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Chap. xxvii : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND

Now my lord’s favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me favour also, and especially my lord¹s secretary was well affected to me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my simpleness and ignorance: he was but fresh from the University, and therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many: often would he convince me black was white or white black ; so it came about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he answered ‘twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had: so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did he name his inks), and the inkhorn was for this reason named an ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife, and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folks knew such arts.

“Surely,” says he, “all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish diligently in it, become rich lords thereby.” Then said I, “In this wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this art.” So he answered, “Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly.”

Now as we have reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me that, I found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. “And these,” said I to the secretary, “be all Adam’s children and of one stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a difference; -his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not properties of God alone? Here is one called ‘Gracious’ and another ‘Worshipful.’ And why must this word ‘born’ noble or ‘well born’ be ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages.” The secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that the titles did not do men right: for sure ‘twas more credit to a man to be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word “noble” signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed in the midst of “high born,” which applieth only to princes, impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word “well born,” why ‘twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron’s mother testify; for if one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether ‘twas “well” with her when she brought him into the world.

And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause against him.

For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was like age with myself. “And this is Jonathon#1 ,” I thought, “and thou art David.”

But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine eyes as doves’ eyes* and my intent far different from his: nay, I confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty, followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes.

Chap xxviii : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S HEAD

The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must I, as at the time ‘twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my hand. The first day there was a big fat calf’s-head (of which folk are wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because this calf’s head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to him he had served up a calf’s-head with one eye. So the cook must appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were with him examined: and last of all
it came out ‘twas to poor Simplicissimus the calf¹s-head had last been entrusted, and that with two eyes : how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord, as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done with the calf¹s eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave the calf¹s head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they had asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink.

“Pardieu,” quoth my lord, “this trick savoureth better than ten calves.”
And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment, but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks.

Chap. xxix : HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK

At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a Quakers’ meeting#2. But hardly had each one said “God’s blessing!” three or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how each one’s voice grew louder and louder : I could but compare the whole company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin, that it may go the livelier, and likewise the dessert, to give a flavour to the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned (and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius* himself, though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of cooks, yet had not recognized them. Then thought I: “Is’t not like enough that these things should disturb the sense of any man who can take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows if even Circe#3 used any other means but these when she did change Ulysses his companions into swine? For I saw how these guests at one time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers’ dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which presently shewed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I saw with wonder how all changes; for here were reputable folk, which just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater: but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. ‘Twas not wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself, were until now quite unknown to me : and this left in my rogueish remembrance thereafter all manner of merry pranks and fantastic imaginings : their strange looks I could see ; but the cause of their condition I knew not. Indeed up till then each one had emptied the pot with a good appetite: but when now their bellies were full ‘twas as hard with them as with a waggoner, that can fare well enough with his team over level ground, yet up the hill can scarcely toil. But though their heads were bemused, their want of strength was made good: in one man¹s case by his courage, well soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to drink yet one health to his friend: in a third that German chivalry which must do his neighbour right. But even such efforts must fail in the long run. Then would one challenge another to pour the wine in buckets to the health of the princes or of dear friends or of a mistress. And at this many a one’s eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet still the drinking must go on ; yea, at the last they must make a noise with drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordance, doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by assault. Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I knew not that they would turn out the same before ‘twas well warm within them (and that with great pains) out of the very place into which they had just poured it to the great danger of their health.

At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other men, he must retire for a while. So I followed him and “Pastor,” said I, “why do these folk behave so strangely? How comes it that they do reel this way and that? Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to swill. Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God’s despite that they of their free will waste all things so wantonly?”

“Dear child,” answered the pastor, “when the wine is in the wit is out. This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak ‘twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry.”

So I answered, “Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so continually? Can then, their souls, which are God’s image, abide in such fat hog’s bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious souls, I say how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels of unreasonin beasts?”

“Hold thou thy tongue,” answered the pastor, “or thou mayest get thee a sound thrashing: here ‘tis no time to preach, or I could do it better than thou.” So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished, before our gates in the shape of many expelled peasants of the Wetterau#4 , whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town there was famine.

Chap. xxx: STILL TEATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT

So this gormandising#5 went on as before, and I must wait on them from the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men.

“For,” says he, “a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to drink wine at all. But ‘tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers did.” “Yes,yes,” says the pastor, “but for me ‘tis proper to keep due measure.” “Right,” says the other, “a man of honour must keep his word” and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.

So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and ‘twas for all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbor with drunkenness, to bring him to shame, or to pay him some scurvy trick: for when one of them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, the cry was, “Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: now must thou drink the like”; and so on. But he that could last longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, as they had drunk henbane#6 . ‘Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted “Courage!” another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable: another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him. One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange, and mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups, dishes, and plates at each other¹s heads and fought, not with fists only, but with chairs, yea, with swords and whatever came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but to that my lord presently put an end.

Chap. xxxi: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX

So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the minstrels and the women-fold, and away to another house wherein was a great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught could he say but “Simple!” So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he pointed to the washstand ad stammered out.”Bra-bra-bring me that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a fo-fo-fo-fox!”

So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievious retchings, and such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man’s. But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.

Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and asked what I should do with the fox. “Thou fool,” says he, “go and take it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith.” So I asked where could I find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. “Nay,” says he, “take it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord’s state of health is.” And such an April fool’s journey had I surely gone, but that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith, and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.

Chap. xxxii: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE

Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies, bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right senses. “Good God,” thought I , “what do these poor folk intend to do? Surely madness is come upon them.” Yet presently I thought these might perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I thought, had they human souls and God’s image in them, sure they would not act so unlike to men.

When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. “For how,” says he, “canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime? Even so will they break in this floor.” “Good heavens!” quoth I, “then must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their company?” “Yea,” quoth my comrade, “’tis their purpose, and therefore do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do find themselves in danger of death each one seized upon a fair lady or maiden, for ‘tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in this way no grievous harm is wont to happen.”

Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard, and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his partner by the hand, ‘twas to me even as if I saw the floor already a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played just then a lively gallop) then thought I, “Now is thy life at stake.” For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her a burr, but when she struggle, as not knowing what foolish fancies were in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden: the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady to whose arm I stil clung deemed herself grieviously insulted; for she fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up somewhere, “for,” said he,”’twas not the first trick I had played on him that day.” Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a goosepen under the staircase.

Edited by Meghan Cunningham

#1 Jonathon, son of Saul the king of Israel. When David was summoned to Saul’s court as a harp-player, Jonathon was exceptionally fond of him, possibly helping to curry favor with the king. “David”, Oxford Dictionary of the Christian Church (New York: Oxford University Press, 1997), p.452.
* I.e. full of innocence (Goodrick)
#2 During meetings, Quakers, or Friends, sit silently without any pre-arranged worship service. They wait for God to choose one of the members as his speaker and to act as the minister. “Quakers”, Ibid, p. 642.
* Given as an example of a Roman with luxurious tastes. (Goodrick)
#3 Circe, a figure of Greek mythology believed to be a sorceress on the island of Aeaea. She possessed the power to turn people into animals or inanimate objects. She is most famous for bewitching Odysseus’ men in the Odyssey. “Circe”, Crowell’s Handbook of Classical Mythology, (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Co, 1970), p.164-165.
#4 Wetterau, a region north of Frankfurt, home to an alliance of over fifty Imperial Counts. After 1665, however, Wetterau was led by the Calvinist Counts of Nassau. Geoffrey Parker, Thirty Years’ War (Boston: Routldege & Kegan Paul, 1984) p.15.
#5 Gormandising, to eat greedily or ravenously. “gormandise”, Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language (New York:Random House, 2001) p.824.
#6 Henbane, an herb whose leaves and flowering tops are used in medicine as a sedative. The extract is commonly added to purgative pills in order to prevent gripe. “Henbane”, Chamber’s Encyclopedia (United Kingdom:Hazell, Watson, and Viney Ltd, 1973), vol. 7, p.15

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