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Chap. xxii. :  HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE
PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE

The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young
maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she went
to bed with me.  For though this trick which had been played me stirred
up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not the so foolish as to put my
bride to shame.  And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I had a
thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my behaviour in
this matter.  Now thought I, “Thou art rightly served” : and yet again
considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the world, which
I could not in honour pass over without due revenge.  But when I
remembered me that such a revenge must harm my father-in-law and also my
gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught.  At one time I
was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let no man see
me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit the chief
and greatest folly.  At the last I concluded that I would before all
things win my father-in-law’s friendship again, and would so carry myself
to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as if I had made
all things ready for my wedding.  For, said I to myself, “Seeing that
this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give it a like end
:  for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage and wedded like
a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will be thy portion.”

 Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have
lain longer.  And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had
married my wife’s sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I
now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to
prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and if
he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on my
behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as
would promote a peace between me and him.  The which he took upon him to
do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry
fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for making
up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had in a
single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the bedding. 
But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning draught, I
was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests to the
wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite himself.

 The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and
because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my excuse
that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that
bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were never
in their sober senses :  but whereas they could play the fool without
attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to their
senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me in a
wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to enact
the sober married man wore reasonably.  Then he demanded me what of the
dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for the
wedding-feast—for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty.  So I
answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one
clause—viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight
again.  But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I
hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all
marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship.  So with such
merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for from me, I
obtained that the commandant  and my father-in-law, whom he undertook to
persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper.  He sent likewise a cask of
wine and a buck to my kitchen :  and I made preparation as if I were to
entertain princes, and indeed brought together a noble company, which did
not only make merry with one another, but in the face of all men did so
reconcile my father and mother-in-law with me that they gave me more
blessing that night than cursing the night before.  And so ‘twas noised
all over the town that our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest
any ill-natured folk should play some jest upon us.  And me this speedy
settlement of things suited full well.  For had I come to be married with
my banns called beforehand, as is the usage, ‘twas much to be feared
there would have been some baggages that would have given a world of
trouble by way of hindrance :  for I had among the burghers’ daughters a
round half-dozen that knew me only too well.

 The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so well
as I by far, being miserly.  And then I must first say what profession I
was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my household :  wherein I
was first aware that I had now lost my noble freedom and must live
henceforth under orders.  Yet I carried myself obediently and was
beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a prudent gentleman, for
his advice, to digest and to follow it :  which speech the commandant
approved and said, “This being a brisk young soldier, it were great folly
that in the present wars he should think to follow any but the soldier’s
trade :  for ‘tis far better to stable one’s horse in another man’s stall
than to feed another’s nag in one’s own.  And so far as I am concerned, I
promise him a company whenever he will.”

 For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more,
but shewed the commandant the merchant’s receipt, which had my treasure
in keeping at Cologne.1  “And this,” said I, “I must first fetch away
before I take service with the Swedes :  for should they learn that I
served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep my
treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the
roadside.”  This they approved, and so ‘twas concluded promised and
resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to
Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress and
there take command of my company.  Furthermore a day was named on which a
company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with the
commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant’s regiment.  For Count
Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his headquarters
at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next spring, and so was
seeking to enlist good soldiers.  Yet was this care of his in vain :  for
the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of John de Werth in the
Breisgau,2 forced to leave Westphalia that same spring and take the field
against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.


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1  Located in northwestern Germany, Cologne grew in commercial
significance with its strategic location along the Rhine river and a
major land trade route.  Between 1583 and 1588, Cologne served as the
stage for a major conflict, called the "War of Cologne" which marked a
turning point in the religious history of Germany.  After this war, the
Catholics, who had been on the defensive and losing ground steadily to
the Protestants, started going on the offensive.  Following  the Thirty
Years' War, the city declined along with so many others in Europe. 
"Cologne," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Macropaedia) (Chicago:
Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 16, pp. 568-570.

2 Breisgau is a historic region between the Black Forest and the Rhine,
and located in the southwestern portion of Germany.  Over the course of
the 14th century, most of Breisgau was incorporated into various
Habsburgs domains.  As a result of the Peasant's Revolt in the 16th
century and the Thirty Years' War in the 17th, Breisgau witnessed
destructive sieges and occupation for a time by the Swedes.  During the
Thirty Years' War more specifically, Breisgau fell to the Protestants in
1638 and to the French in 1648.  "Breisach" and "Breisgau," The New
Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997),
vol. 2, pp. 496-497.
 


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Chap.  xxiii. :  HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE
NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE

THINGS do happen in different fashions.  To one man ill luck cometh by
degrees and slowly :  another it doth fall upon in a heap.  So hardly had
I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave
of her and her friends in my huntsman’s dress with my gun upon my
shoulder ;  and because all roads were well known to me, I came luckily
to my journey’s end without danger threatening.  Nay, I was seen of no
man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite Cologne on
this side the Rhine.  But I saw many, and specially a peasant in the land
of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart ;  and his son
was still more like the old Simplicissimus.  For the lad was herding
swine as I was passing by :  and the swine, scenting me, began to grunt
and the lad to curse :  “Thunder and lightning strike them and the devil
fly away with them too !”  That the maidservant heard , and cried to the
lad not to curse or she would tell his father.  The boy answered, she
might kiss . . . and burn her mother too :  But the peasant hearing it,
runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, “Wait, thou anointed
rascal, I will teach thee to curse ;  strike thee blind and the devil
take thy carcase” :  and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped
him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, “Thou wicked boy,” says he,
“I’ll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I’ll kiss . . . for thee ; 
I’ll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother.”  Which manner of
correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not
such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such
darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding. 
And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained upon
me should endure ?

 So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was
just then in his right mind.  But when I told him wherefore I had come,
he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw ;  for the
merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt and
had fled :  ‘tis true my property had been officially sealed up and the
merchant himself cited to appear ;  but ‘twas greatly doubted if he would
return, because he had taken with him all of value that could easily be
carried ;  and before the case could be settled much water might flow
under the bridges.  How pleasing this news was to me any man can easily
judge.  I swore like a trooper, but what availed that?  I did not get my
property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so :  besides, I had
taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so could not
stay so long as the matter required.  Moreover, ‘twas dangerous for me to
tarry there ;  for I had reason to fear that, as now being attached to an
enemy’s garrison, I might be found out, and so not only lose my good but
fall into a still worse plight.  Yet for me to return with the matter
unsettled, leave my property willfully behind, and have naught to show
but the way back instead of the way thither, seemed to me also unwise. 
At last I determined I would stay at Cologne till the case was settled,
and let my wife know the reason of my delay :  so I betook myself to an
advocate, which was a notary, and told him my case, begging him to help
me with counsel and action, for a proper reward ;  and if he hastened on
the matter I would make him a good present besides the fixed fees.  And
as he hoped to get plenty out of me he received me willingly and
undertook to board and lodge me :  and thereupon next day he went with me
to the officers whose business it is to settle bankrupts’ affairs, and
handed in a certified copy of the merchant’s acknowledgement, and
produced the original :  to which the answer was, we must be patient till
the full examination of the matter, inasmuch as the things of which the
acknowledgement spoke were not all to be found.

 So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I
wished to see somewhat of life in great cities.  My host was, as I have
said, a notary and advocate :  besides which he had half a dozen lodgers,
and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to
travellers :  moreover he had both a German and Italian groom, that could
be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, so that
with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he not only
earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal :  for because
no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make money in all
manner of ways.3  I did learn much in the time I was with him, and
especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the chiefest art
of the doctor of medicine.  For they say if the doctor do but know the
disease, then is the patient already half cured.  Now ‘twas my host that
furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I began with him,
and thereafter to examine the condition of other persons.  And many a one
I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his own sickness at all and
that was held by his neighbours—yea, and by the doctors too—to be a hale
and hearty man.  So did I find people that were sick with evil temper,
and when this disease attacked them their visages were changed like those
of devils, they roared like lions, scratched like cats, laid about them
like bears, bit like dogs, and to shew themselves even worse than savage
animals they would throw about everything that they could get into their
hand, like madmen.  ‘Tis said this disease ariseth from the gall ;  but I
do rather believe its origin is in this, that a fool hath a fool’s pride
:  so if thou hear an angry man rage, especially about a small matter, be
thou bold to believe that man hath more pride than sense.  From this
disease followeth endless mischance both for the patient and for others :
 for the patient, palsy, gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal
death also).  Yet can we with a good conscience refuse to call such men
patients, be they never so dangerously ill, for patience is what they
most do lack.  Some too, I saw quite sick with envy, of whom ‘tis said
that they eat their own hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and
sad.  And this disease do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming
directly from the devil himself, though yet it spring from mere good
fortune which the sick man’s enemy doth enjoy :  and he that can quite
cure such an one may wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner
to the Christian belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians,
which have a jealousy only of sin and vice.  The gaming passion I hold
likewise for a disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but
specially because they that are infected therewith are mad after the
thing as if poisoned :  it hath its rise from idleness and not from
greed, as some do judge ;  and if thou take away from a man the chances
of lust and idleness, that sickness will of itself depart.  Likewise I
found that gluttony is a disease :  and that cometh from habit and not
from overmuch wealth.  Poverty is indeed a good protective against it,
but ‘tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich
misers that starved.  It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it,
and that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so
that when it comes to this, that either from poverty or from disease they
can devour no more.  As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having
its rise in ignorance :  for if a man do but know himself and remember
whence he is and whither he goeth, ‘tis clean impossible that he can go
on in his foolish pride.  When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut
and gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts
can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady : yet have I
never been able to find a special remedy against it :  for they that are
sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen. 
Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for
Philemon4 died of it and Democritus5 was till his end sick of it.  And so
nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died.  ‘Tis said it
hath its origin in the liver :  but I do believe it cometh from
immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man :  nor
is it needful to present a remedy for it, since ‘tis not only a merry
madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it.  Nor less
did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the female
sex :  ‘tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, seeing
that we all must pay for our first mother’s curiosity.  Of the rest, as
sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love, and the
like, I will for this turn say naught, since ‘twas never my intent to
write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed gave me the
hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he himself was
utterly ruled and possessed by greed.


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3 Public Protestant services were banned in the city until as recently as
1794, at which point the policy changed with the French occupation of the
city.  The Jewish community in Cologne has a documented existence as far
back as the times of Constantine the Great in the 300s.  From the period
starting in 1424 and continuing until 1794, however, no Jews were allowed
to remain overnight in the city. "Cologne," The New Encyclopaedia
Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 16, p.
570.

4  Philemon was a famous Athenian playwright and poet that lived from 368
BC to 264 BC. In this particular case, Grimmelshausen makes a perhaps
more direct reference to Philemon's part in the Athenian New Comedy.  In
this, he was known for his neatly contrived plots, vivid descriptions,
dramatic surprises, and platitudinous moralizing.  "Philemon," The New
Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997),
vol. 9, p. 366.

5  Democritus was an Ancient Greek philosopher that lived from 460 BC to
370 BC.  He gained fame for his part in the development of the atomic
theory of the universe.  Of particular importance in Grimmelshausen's
reference, however, stands his ethical system posited, which advanced an
ultimate good that was "a state in which the soul lives peacefully and
tranquilly, undisturbed by fear or superstition or any other feeling." 
"Democritus," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia
Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 4, pp. 6-7.
 


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Chap.  xxiv. :  HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN

The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he scraped
together money:  he fed with his guests and not his guests with him, and
he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money they
brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it :  but he fed us Swabian
fashion and kept a mighty deal back.  At the first I ate not with his
guests but with his children and household, because I had little money
with me :  there were but little morsels, that were like Spanish
fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty Westphalian
diet.  No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only what had
been carried away a week before from the students’ table, pretty well
hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as Methuselah. 
Over this the hostess, who must do he cooking herself (for he would pay
for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kid of gravy and
bedevilled it with pepper.  Yet though the bones were sucked so dry that
one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet done with,
but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when our miser had a
sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and all the fat that
remained boiled out of them.  I know not whether this was used for
seasoning soup or greasing shoes.  But on fast-days, of which there
happened more than enough, and which were all religiously observed (for
therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of our teeth on
stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other decayed marine
creatures :  for he bought all with regard to cheapness only, and grudged
not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and to pick up what the
fish-mongers themselves were about to throw away.  Our bread was commonly
black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer which wellnigh burst my
belly, and yet must pass as fine old October.  Besides all this, I
learned from hos German servant that in summer-time ‘twas yet worse : 
for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of maggots, and the best
dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner and a handful of salad at
supper.  So I asked him why did he stay with the old miser.  He answered
he was mostly travelling, and therefore must count more on the
drink-money of travellers than on the mouldy old Jews, who he said would
not even trust his wife and children with the cellar-key, for he grudged
them even  drop of wine, and, in a word, was such a curmudgeon that his
like would be hard to find ;  what I had seen up till now, said he, was
nothing :  if I did but stay there for a while I should perceive that he
was no ashamed to skin a flea for its fat.  Once, said he, the old fellow
had brought hoe six pounds of tripe or chitterlings and put it in his
larder :  but to the great delight of his children the grating chanced to
be open :  so they tied a tablespoon to a stick and fished all the
chitterlings out, which they then ate up half-cooked, in great haste, and
gave out ‘twas the cat had done it.  That the old coal-counter would not
believe, but caught the cat and weighed her, and found that, skin, hair
and all, she weighed not so much as his chitterlings.

 Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat
at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students,
however much it might cost :  and there ‘twas certainly more royal fare ;
 yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us
were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways—first in fuel,
which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our appetite : 
yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched his head
for vexation if ever we made a good meal.  His wine, too, was well
watered and not of a kind to aid in digestion:  and the cheese which was
served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch butter
so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at breakfast ; 
as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it was ripe and
fit to eat ;  and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would begin a
terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear :  but secretly
gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

 Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present : 
this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have
game to our dinner :  but the German servant said to me we need not lick
our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders
that he need not serve them such dainties ;  I should go to the Old
Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for
sale.  So I cut a bit out of the hare’s ear, and as we sat at our midday
meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a hare
for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would follow
me ;  for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get the hare
too.  Every one of them consented ;  for they had long desired to play
our host a trick of which he could not complain.  So that afternoon we
betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the servant,
where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught for sale,
to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a farthing. 
There we found him in talk with some of the nobles.  Now I had engaged a
fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to say,
“Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property :  last
night ‘twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up
willingly, ‘tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court.”  The
huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter :  for there stood
the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell ;  and he
could surely not have stolen it.  So as they disputed, they gathered a
crowd round them ;  which when our miser was ware of and saw which way
the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for by
reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame.  But the fellow I
had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present the piece of
the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he was right and
voted him the hare.  Meanwhile I drew near with my company, as if we had
come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had the hare and began to
bargain with him, and when we agreed I presented the hare to mine host
with the request he would have it served up at our table :  but the
fellow I had engaged with I paid, instead of money for the hare, the
price of a couple of cans of beer.  So our skinflint must accept the
hare, though with no good will, and dared not say a word, at which we had
cause enough to laugh :  and had I meant to stay longer in his house, I
would have shewn him a few more such tricks.

Edited by Allen Smith
 
 
