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Chap. xx: TREATS OF A TRIFLING PROMENADE FROM THE BLACK FOREST TO MOSCOW IN RUSSIA

The same autumn there drew near to us French, Swedish, and Hessian troops to refresh themselves among us and to keep the Free City in the neighbourhood (which was built by an English king1, and called after his name) blockaded, for which cause every man gathered together his cattle and the best of his goods and fled into the woods among the mountains. I too did as my neighbours did and left my house pretty well empty, wherein a Swedish colonel on half-pay was lodged. The same found still remaining in my cabinet certain books, for in my haste I could not bring all away; and among others certain mathematical and geometrical essays, and also some on fortification, wherewith our engineers be principally busied, and therefore at once concluded that his quarters could belong to no common peasant, and so began to inquire of my character and to court my acquaintance, till by courteous offers and threats intermingled he wrought me to it that I should visit him at mine own farm, where he treated me very civilly and restrained his people, that they should do my goods no unnecessary damage or hurt. And by such friendly treatment he brought it about that I told him of all my business, and in especial of my family and descent. Thereat he wondered that I in the midst of war could so dwell among peasants, and look on while another tied his horse to my manger, whereas I with more honour could tie mine own horse to another’s: I should, said he, gird on the sword again and not allow my gift which God had bestowed on me to perish by the fireside, and behind the plough; for he knew, if I would enter the Swedish service, my capacity and my knowledge of war would soon raise me to high rank. This I treated but coldly, and told him advancement was ever far off if a man had no friends to take him by the hand: whereto he replied that my good qualities would soon procure me both friends and advancement; nay, more: he doubted not that I should find kinsmen at the Swedish headquarters, and those of some account, for there there [sic] were many Scottish noblemen and men of rank. Further, said he, a regiment had been promised to him himself by Torstensohn; which promise if it were kept (of which he doubted not) then would he at once make me his lieutenant-colonel. With such and the like words he made my mouth to water, and inasmuch as there were now but scanty hopes of peace, and for me to suffer further billeting of troops did but mean utter ruin, therefore I resolved to serve again, and promised the colonel to go with him if only he would keep his word and give me the post of lieutenant-colonel in the regiment he was to have.

And so the die was cast; and I sent for my dad or foster-father, which was still with my cattle at Bairischbrunn2; and to him and his wife I devised my farm as their own property; yet on condition that after his death my bastard Simplicissimus that had been laid at my door should inherit it with all appurtenances, since there were no heirs born in wedlock. Thereafter I fetched my horse and all the gold and trinkets I still had, and having settled all my affairs and taken order for the education of my said by-blow of a son, on a sudden the blockade I spoke of was raised, so that before we looked for it we must decamp and join the main army.

Under the colonel I served as a steward, and maintained him with his servants and horses and all his household by theft and robbery, which is called in soldiers’ language foraging. But as to the promises of Torstensohn, of which he had talked so big at my farm, they were not so great by a good deal as he had given out, but as it seemed to me he was rather looked at askance. “Aha,” says he to me, “some malicious dog hath slandered me at headquarters. Yet I shall not need to wait long”: but when he suspected that I should not endure to tarry longer with him he forged letters as if he had to raise a fresh regiment in Livonia3 where his home was, and persuaded me to embark with him at Wismar and to sail thither. And there too we found naught, for not only had he no regiment to raise, but was besides a nobleman as poor as a church mouse: and what he had came from his wife. Yet though I had now been twice deceived and had suffered myself to be enticed so far afield, yet I took the bait the third time; for he shewed me writings he had received from Moscow, in which, as he professed, high commands in the army were offered him, for so he interpreted the said letters to me and boasted loudly of good and punctual pay: and seeing that he started off with wife and child, I thought, surely he is on no wild-goose chase.

And so with high hopes I took the road with him, for otherwise I saw no means or opportunity to get back to Germany. But as soon as we came over the Russian frontier, and sundry discharged German soldiers met us, I began to be alarmed and said to my colonel, “What the devil do we here? We leave the country where war is, and where there is peace and soldiers be of no account and disbanded, thither we come.” Yet still he gave me fair words and said I should leave it to him; he knew better what he was about than these fellows that were of no account.

But when we came in safety to the city of Moscow, I saw at once the game was up. ‘Tis true my colonel conferred daily with great men, but far more with bishops than boyars, which seemed to me not so much grand as far too monkish, and aroused in me all manner of fancies and reflections, though I could not conceive what he aimed at: but in the end he revealed to me that war was over and that his conscience urged him on to embrace the Greek religion; and that his sincere advice to me was, inasmuch as otherwise he could help me no more as he had promised, to follow his example: for his Majesty the Czar had already good accounts of my person and my great capabilities: and would be graciously pleased, if I would agree to the conditions, to endow me as a knight with a fine estate and many serfs; which most gracious offer was not to be rejected, since for any man it was better to have in so great a monarch rather a gracious lord than an offended prince. At this I was much confounded, and knew not what to answer, for had I had the colonel in another place I would have answered him rather by deeds than words: but now I must play my cards otherwise, and consider the place where I was, and where I was like to a prisoner; and therefore was silent a long time before I could resolve upon an answer. At length I said to him I had indeed come with the purpose to serve the Czar’s Majesty as a soldier, to which he, the colonel, had persuaded me; and if my services in war were not needed I could not help it; far less could I lay it to the charge of the Czar that I had for his sake undertaken so long a journey in vain, for he had not written to me to come. But that his royal favour to me would be a thing for me rather to boast of before all the world than most humbly to accept it and to earn it, since I could not just now determine to alter my religion, and only wished I were dwelling again in my farm in the Black Forest and so causing no man concern or inconveniency. To which he replied, “Your honour may do as he pleases: only I had conceived that if God and good luck favoured him, he would do well to be thankful to both; but if he will accept no help and refuses to live like a prince, at least I hope he will believe that I have spared no pains to help him to the best of my ability.” Thereupon he made me a deep reverence, went his way, and left me in the lurch, not allowing me even to give him my company to the door.

So as I sat there all perplexed and reviewed my present condition I heard two Russian carriages before our lodging, and looking out of the window saw my good master colonel with his sons enter the one and his wife with her daughters the other. Which were the Czar’s carriages and his livery, and divers priests there also which waited upon this honourable family and shewed them all kindness and good will.

Chap. xxi.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FURTHER FARED IN MOSCOW

From this time I was watched, not openly indeed, but secretly, by certain soldiers of the Strelitz guard, and that without my knowledge; and my colonel and his family never once came in my sight, so that I knew not what was become of him: and all this, as may easily be thought, brought in my head strange conceits and many grey hairs also. There I made the acquaintance of the Germans that dwell in Moscow, some as traders, some as mechanics, and to them lamented my plight and how I had been deceived by guile; who gave me comfort and direction how I, with a fair opportunity, might return to Germany. But so soon as they got wind of it that the Czar had determined to keep me in the land and would force me to it, they all became dumb towards me, yea, avoided my company, an ‘twas hard for me even to find a shelter for my head. For I had already devoured my horse, saddle and trappings and all, and was now doling out one to-day and to-morrow another of the ducats which I had wisely sewn into my clothes. At last I began to turn into money my rings and trinkets, in the hope to keep myself so until I could find a fair occasion to get back to Germany. Meanwhile a quarter of a year was gone, after which the said colonel, with all his household, was baptized again and provided with a fine nobleman’s estate and many serfs.

At that time there went out a decree that both among natives and foreigners no idlers should be allowed (and that with heavy penalties) as those that took the bread out of the mouth of the workers, and all strangers that would not work must quit the country in a month and the town in four-and-twenty hours. With that some fifty of us joined together with intent to make our way, with God’s help, through Podolia to Germany; yet were we not two hours gone from the town when we were caught up by certain Russian troopers, on the pretence that his Majesty was greatly displeased that we had impudently dared to band together in such great numbers, and to traverse his land at pleasure without passports, saying further that his Majesty would not be going beyond his rights in sending us all to Siberia for our insolent conduct. On the way back I learned how my business stood: for the commander of the troop told me plainly, the Czar would not let me forth of the country: and his sincere advice was that I should obey his Majesty’s most gracious will and join their religion, and (as the colonel had done) not despise a fine estate; assuring me also that if I refused this and would not live among them as a lord I must needs stay as a servant against my will: nor must his Majesty be blamed that he would not allow to depart from his country a man so skilful as the before-mentioned colonel had reported me to be. Then did I disparage mine own worth, and said the honourable colonel must surely have ascribed to me more arts, virtues, and knowledge than I possessed: ‘twas true indeed I had come into the land to serve his Majesty the Czar and the worshipful Russian people, even at the risk of my life, against their enemies: but to change my religion, to that I could not resolve me: yet so far as I could in any wise serve his Majesty without burdening my conscience, I would not fail to do my utmost endeavour.

Then was I set apart from the rest and lodged with a merchant, where I was openly watched, yet daily provisioned from the court with rich food and costly liquors, and also daily had visitors that talked with me and now and again would invite me as a guest. In especial there was one to whose charge I had without doubt been chiefly commended, a crafty man, that entertained me daily with friendly talk; for now could I speak Russian pretty well. So he discoursed with me oftentimes of all manner of mechanic arts, as well as of engines of war and others, and of fortification and artillery practice. At last, after much beating about the bush to find out whether I would give in to his master’s wishes, when he found there was no hope of my changing even in the least point, he begged that I would for the honour of the great Czar impart and communicate to their nation somewhat of my science: for his Majesty would requite my complaisance with high and royal favours. To which I answered, my desires had ever been to that end, most dutifully to serve the Czar, seeing that for this purpose I had come into his country, albeit I perceived that I was kept like a prisoner. But he replied, “Nay, nay, sir, ye be no prisoner, but his Majesty doth hold ye so dear that he cannot resolve to part with your person.” So says I, “Wherefore then am I guarded?” “Because,” he answered, “his Majesty feareth lest any harm should happen to ye.”

So now understanding my proposals, he said the Czar was graciously pleased to consider of digging for saltpetre in his own country and making of powder there; but because there was no one in the land that could deal with the matter, I should do him an acceptable service if I would undertake the work: to that end I should be provided with men and means enough ready to hand, and he in his own person would most sincerely beg of me not to reject such a gracious proposal, seeing that they were already well assured that I had a full knowledge of such matters. To which I answered, “Sir, I say as I said before: if I can serve his Majesty in anything, provided only he will be graciously content to leave me undisturbed in my religion, I will not fail to do my best.” Whereat the Russian, which was one of their chief magnates, was heartily glad and pledged me in drink deeper than ever a German.

Next day there came from the Czar two great nobles with an interpreter to make a final agreement with me, and presented me on behalf of the Czar with a costly Russian robe: and a few days after I began to seek for saltpetre and to instruct the Russians that had been assigned to me how to separate it from the earth and refine it; and at the same time I drew up a plan of a powder-mill, and taught others to burn charcoal, so that in brief space we had ready a goodly amount both of musquet and ordinance powder; for I had people enough, besides mine own servants that were to wait on me, or, to speak more truly, to keep watch and ward over me.

I being thus well started, there comes to me the before-mentioned colonel in Russian clothes and nobly escorted by many servants; without doubt by such a show of glory to persuade me to go over to that religion. But I knew well that the clothes came from the Czar his wardrobe, and were but lent him to make my mouth water: for ‘tis the commonest of customs at the Russian court: and that the reader may understand how ‘tis managed, I will give him an instance of mine own self. For once was I busied with taking order at the powder-mills (which I caused to be built on the river outside Moscow) as to what task one and the other of the people assigned to me should perform that day and the next, when of a sudden there was an alarm that the Tartars4, 100,000 horse strong, were but four miles away plundering the country and advancing continually: so must I and my people needs betake ourselves to the palace, to be equipped out of the Czar’s armoury and stables. And I for my part, in place of a cuirass, was clad in a quilted silk breastplate that would stop any arrow, but could not keep out any bullet: moreover boots and spurs and a princely head-dress with a heron plume, and a sabre that would split a hair, mounted with pure gold and studded with precious stones, were given to me, and of the Czar’s horses such an one was put between my legs as I had never seen the like of in my life, far less ridden; so I and my horses blazed with gold, silver, pearls and precious stones. I had a steel mace hanging by me that shone like a mirror, and was so well made and heavy that I had easily beaten to death any that I dealt a blow with it, so that the Czar himself could not ride into battle better equipped: and there followed me a white standard with a double eagle to which the people flocked from all sides and corners, so that before two hours were over we were forty thousand strong and after four hours nigh sixty thousand, with whom we marched against the Tartars; and every quarter of an hour I had my orders from the Czar; which yet were but this, that I should this day approve myself a soldier, having given myself out for one, that his Majesty might as such esteem and recognise me. So every moment our troop was increased with great and small soldiers and officers; yet in all this haste could I discover none that should command the whole body, or array the battle. It needs not that I should tell all, for my story is not much concerned with this encounter. I will but say this only, that we came suddenly upon the Tartars in a valley or deep dip in the land, encumbered with tired horses and much booty, and least of all expecting us; whom we attacked on all sides with such fury that at the very onset we scattered them. There at the first attack I called to my followers in the Russian speech, “Come now, let each do as I do!” and that they all shouted to one another, while I with a loose rein charged at the enemy, and of the first I met, which was a Mirza or prince’s son, I cleft the head in twain, so that his brains were left hanging on my steel mace. This heroical example did the Russians follow, so that the Tartars might not withstand their attack, but turned to a general flight, while I dealt like a madman, or rather like one that from desperation seeketh death and cannot find it, for I smote down all that came before me, Tartar and Russian alike; and they that were commanded by the Czar to watch me followed me so hard that I had ever my back guarded. There was the air so full of arrows as it had been swarms of bees, of which my share was one in the arm; for I had turned back my sleeve that so with less hindrance I might use my sword and came to cleave and batter; and until I received the wound my heart did laugh within me at such bloodshed; but when I saw mine own blood flow, that laughter was turned into a mad fury.

So when these savage foes had been put to flight, it was commanded me by divers nobles in the name of the Czar that I should carry to their emperor the news how the Tartars had been defeated: and at their bidding I rode back with some hundred horsemen at my heels, with whom I rode through the town to the Czar’s palace, and was by all men received with triumph and gratulation; but so soon as I had made my report of the battle (albeit the Czar had already news of all that happened) I must again doff my princely apparel, which was again stored away in the Czar his wardrobe, though both it and the horse trappings were bespattered and befouled all over with blood and so almost entirely ruinated; whereas I had thought, since I had borne myself so knightly in the encounter, the clothes should at least have been left me, together with the horse, for a reward. But from this I could well judge how ‘twas managed with the Russian robe of state of which my colonel made use; for ‘tis all but lent finery which, like all else in Russia, pertaineth to the Czar alone.

Chap. xxii: BY WHAT A SHORT AND MERRY ROAD HE CAME HOME TO HIS DAD

Now as long as my wound was a-healing ‘tis true I was treated like a prince; for I walked abroad at all times clad in a furred gown of cloth of gold lined with sables, though the wound was neither mortal nor dangerous, and in all the days of my life I have never tasted such rich foods as then; but this was all the reward I had for my labours, save the praise which the Czar favoured me with, and this too was spoiled for me by the envy of certain nobles. So now, being completely sound again was I sent down the Volga in a ship to Astrachan5, to set up a powder-mill there as in Moscow, for ‘twas not possible for the Czar to furnish these frontier fortresses from Moscow with fresh and good powder, which must needs be carried by water and that with great risk. And this service I willingly undertook, for I had promises that the Czar, after the accomplishment of such business, would send me back to Holland, and that with a good reward in money proportionable to my services. But alas! when we think we stand safest and most certain in the hopes and conceits we have formed, there comes a wind unawares, and in a wink blows away all the flimsy stuff whereon we had founded our hopes so long.

Yet the Governor of Astrachan treated me like the Czar himself, and in brief space I had all on a good footing; his old ammunition which was quite spoiled and ruined and could do no harm to any, I refounded (as a tinker makes new tin spoons out of old ones), which was then a thing unheard of among the Russians; by reason of which and other arts of mine some held me to be a sorcerer, others a new saint or prophet, and others, again, for a second Empedocles6 or Gorgias Leontinus7. But being hard at work and busied at night in a powder-mill outside the fortifications, I was in thievish wise captured and carried off by a horde of Tartars, which took me with others so far into their country that I not only could see the herb Borametz or sheep-plant growing but did even eat thereof: which is a most strange vegetable; for it is like a sheep to look upon, its wool can be spun and woven like natural sheep’s wool, and its flesh is so like to mutton that even the wolves do love to eat thereof. But they that had captivated me did barter me away for certain wares of China to the Tartars of Nuichi, which again presented me as a rare gift to King of Corea, with whom they had but then made a truce. And there was I highly valued, for there could none be found like me in the handling of sword and rapier; and there I taught the king how, with his piece over his shoulder and his back turned to the target, he could yet hit the bull’s-eye; in reward for which at my humble petition he gave me my liberty again, and let me go by way of Japonia to the Portuguese of Macao, which made but small count of me. So I went about among them like a sheep that has strayed from the flock, till at last in marvellous fashion I was captured by Turkish corsairs, and by them, after they had dragged me about with them for a full year among strange foreign nations that do inhabit the isles of the East Indies, sold to certain merchants of Alexandria in Egypt. These carried me with their wares to Constantinople, and because the Turkish emperor was just then fitting out galleys against the Venetians and needed rowers, therefore must many Turkish merchants part with their Christian slaves (yet for ready payment), among whom I was one, as being a strong young fellow. And now must I learn to row; which heavy task nevertheless endured not more than two months: for our galley was in the Levant right valiantly overcome by the Venetians, and I with all my companions freed from the power of the Turks: and the said galley being brought to Venice with rich booty and divers Turkish prisoners of high degree, I was set at liberty, as wishing to go to Rome and on pilgrimage to Loretto, to view those places and to thank God for my deliverance. To which end I easily obtained a passport, and moreover from several honourable persons, especially Germans, reasonable help in money, so that now I could provide me with a pilgrim’s staff and enter on my journey.

So I betook me by the nearest way to Rome, where I fared right well, for both from great and small I got me much alms; and tarrying there nigh six weeks, I took my way with other pilgrims, of whom some Germans, and especially certain Switzers, to Loretto: from whence I came over the Saint Gotthard Pass back through Switzerland to my dad, which had kept my farm for me; and nothing remarkable did I bring home save a beard which I had grown in foreign parts.

Now had I been absent three years and some months, during which time I had fared over the most distant seas and seen all manner of peoples, but had commonly received from them more evil than good; of which a whole book might be writ. And in the meanwhile the Westphalian treaty had been concluded, so that I could now live with my dad in peace and quiet: and him I left to manage and to keep house, but for myself I sat down to my books, which were now both my work and my delight.

Chap. xxiii: IS VERY SHORT AND CONCERNETH SIMPLICISSIMUS ALONE

Once did I read how the oracle of Apollo gave as answer to the Roman deputies, when they asked what they must do to rule their subjects in peace, this only, “Nosce teipsum,” which signifieth, “Let each man know himself.” This caused me to reflect upon the past and demand of myself an account of the life I had led, for I had naught else to do. So said I to myself: “Thy life hath been no life but a death, thy days a toilsome shadow, thy years a troublous dream, thy pleasures grievous sins, thy youth a fantasy, and thy happiness an alchemist’s treasure that is gone by the chimney and vanished ere thou canst perceive it. Through many dangers thou hast followed the wars, and in the same encountered much good and ill luck: hast been now high, now low: now great, now small: now rich, now poor: now merry, now sorry: now loved, now hated: now honoured, now despised: but now, poor soul, what hast thou gained from thy long pilgrimage? This hast thou gained: I am poor in goods, my heart is burdened with cares, for all good purposes I am idle, lazy, and spoilt; and, worst of all, my conscience is heavy and vexed: but thou, my soul, art overwhelmed with sin and grievously defiled; the body is weary, the understanding bemused; thine innocence is gone, the best years of youth are past, the precious time lost: naught is there that gives me pleasure, and withal I am an enemy to myself. But when I came, after my sainted father’s death, into the great world, then was I simple-minded and pure, upright and honest, truthful, humble, modest, temperate, chaste, shame-faced, pious and religious, but soon became malicious, false, treacherous, proud, restless, and above all altogether godless, all which vices I did learn without a teacher. Mine honour have I guarded not for its own sake, but for mine own exaltation. I took note of time not to employ it well for mine own soul’s welfare, but for the profit of my body. My life have I often put in jeopardy, and yet I have never busied myself to better it that I might die blest and comforted; for I looked only to the present and to my temporal profit, and never once thought on the future, much less remembered that I must some time give an account before the face of God Almighty.”

With such thoughts I tormented myself daily; and just then there came into my hands certain writings of the Franciscan friar Quevara, of which I must here set down some; for they were of such power as full to disgust me with the world.

Edited by Adam Mason

1Offa. Offenburg. (Goodrick’s note)
2Baiersbronn. (Goodrick’s note)
3Livonia is located on the eastern coast of the Baltic, to the north of Lithuania. The land of Livonia has switched hands many times. After the Livonian Wars (1558-1583), the land was separated with parts taken by Poland and Sweden. In 1621, a war between Poland and Sweden was waged over this land. In the year 1656 alone, Livonia was the location of the Russo-Polish, Polish-Swedish, and Russo-Swedish wars. The Treaty of Kardis in 1661 saw Russia bowing out of its Livonian area. From: Paxton, John “Livonia” Encyclopedia of Russian History: From the Christianization of Kiev to the Break-Up of the U.S.S.R. (Santa Barbara: ABC-CLIO, 1993), p.242
4The Tartars are known by several names; “Mongols”, “the Golden Horde”, “Tatars.” They played large roles in several eras of Russian history. The term “Tartars” is derived from the Greek “Tartarus” with the insinuation being that the Tartars were so fierce during invasion that it could be likened to hell on earth. The people described in this section are thought to be descended of those warriors that invaded Russia under Genghis Khan and many used it to describe any “wandering or non-civilized Mongol or Turkic group.” After “the Golden Horde” ceased to exist as a cohesive unit, groups of Tatars broke off with the wealthiest being the Ural and Middle Volga Tatars, named for the areas they inhabited. “TATARS,” The Modern Encyclopedia of Russian and Soviet History (Gulf Breeze: Academic International, 1984), vol. 38, p. 185-86. From the research I performed, I found it difficult to find the Tartar raids that are referred to in Simplicissimus in historical sources. It seems that because their involvement as the Golden Horde was such a huge part of Russian history, the periodic raids are not mentioned very often. I did find a source which attested to the fact that the Tartar khans of Crimea, after basically becoming subordinates of the Ottoman Empire, the Crimean Tartars kept harassing the Ukraine and Poland and began to extract tribute from the czars of Russia. From: “Tatars” The Columbia Encyclopedia sixth edition, ed. Paul Lagasse (New York: Columbia University, 2000), p. 2794.
5Also spelled Astrakhan, the city lies at the end of the Volga River close to the Caspian Sea in lower Russia. It is the principal Russian port for the Caspian Sea. At the Volga Rivers southern delta, it had a prominent trade with Persia , Khiva, and Bukhara up to 1917. Until 1556 when it was conquered by Ivan the Terrible, Astrakhan was the capital of khanate of Astrakhan for the Tatars. From: “Astrakhan” The Columbia Encyclopedia sixth edition, ed. Paul Lagasse (New York: Columbia University, 2000), p. 177.
6Empedocles was one of the great pre-Socratic thinkers and one of the best evidenced. Empedocles’ life is difficult to reconstruct, as the only evidence we have is in “romanticizing biographies” and extracted from his poetry. In the fragments we have of his writing, Empedocles presents an incredible range of topics including “his biology, his theory of knowledge and perception, his basic physics.” Though what he actually wrote is disputable, Empedocles can be generally praised for his incredible attempts to address the origins and evolution of the universe. From: Inwood, Brad, The Poem of Empedocles (Toronto: University of Toronto, 1992) pp. 1,8-9, 19, 72.
7Gorgias Leontinus (Leontini) was a pioneer in the use of rhetoric speech. At a basic level he is supposed to have revolutionized both “structure and ornamentation.” Although it is disputed, some believe Gorgias to have been the student of the philosopher Empedocles, and that he expanded Empedocles’ ideas of rhetoric into what later developed as sophism. Though his writing styles is of controversy as it is wrought with “aural effects” and figurative language, Gorgias is generally regarded as the father of the sophist thinkers. From: Wardy, Robert The Birth of Rhetoric: Gorgias, Plato and their successors (New York: Routledge, 1996) pp. 6-9