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Chap. xvii. : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES

During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed them the alluring gold and cried, “My masters, if ye will but wait for me I will give you this handful of gold.” But as soon as they saw me and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after long pondering thereupon, I thought, “Who knoweth what may chance to thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest folk, thou canst live on it a long while.” So it came into my head to sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses’ ears which made the folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never caught pilfering.

It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store but my customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I wisely stayed away) ; so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed. But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that led to the living room; thither I crept to see if the folks would not soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put on their clothes, and in place of light there stood a sulphurous blue flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms, pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great terror; yet as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not much of this, and that chiefly because ‘twas all done in such stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to fine it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count how long I took for this journey. These folk were dancing of a wondrous dance, the like of which I never saw in my life, for they had taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces1 , so that all faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed, nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically. My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood outside the rings all around the dancers, of which minstrels some had, instead of flutes, clarinets, and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose breech they blew and fingered on the tail, which sounded like to bagpipes: others fiddled on horses’ skulls as on the finest violins, and others played the harp upon a cow’s skeleton such as lie in the slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl to rant, to ramp, and to roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into what terror and fear I fell.

In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a monstrous toad, full as big as a kettle-drum, whose guts were dragged out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. “Lookye, Simplicissimus,” says he, “I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from thee.” But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awaken from it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink ‘twas all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.

1Three Graces, were minor goddesses of classical mythology, the personifications of beauty, charm, and grace. They were named Aglaea (splendour), Euphrosyne (gaiety), and thalia (festivity). The daughters of Zeus and Erynome, they are often seen in the company of Aphrodite and Cupid as creators of love. “Graces,” Cassell Dictionary of Classical Mythology (UK: Cassell, 1998), p. 173.

Chap. Xviii.: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS’ CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW

Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow. With such I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I could practice this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest fool. But they that deny the witches’ gallop to be true, let them but think of Simon the Magician2 , which was by the evil spirit raised aloft into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man, who in the Duchy of Lorraine3 caused to be burned a good many more that a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother (which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with her to their assembly, that he might play to them as the danced—for he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree, piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe because he marveled so at it all). But at last, “God help us;” says he, “whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?” And hardly had he said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself.

When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little after Catherine Prevost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at the dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an adulterer that took his paramour’s ointment boxes and smeared himself with the same, and so both came to witches’ Sabbath. So likewise they tell of a farm servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, the waggon rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of Odin4 , which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia5 will fetch their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a great distance. And what Torquemada in his Haxameron relateth of his schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take him with her to the sorcerers’ assembly. And when they feasted there, and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains gotten it, did cry, “God be praised, here cometh the salt!” Whereupon the lights went out and all vanished. So when now ‘twas day he understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naple, and therefore full five hundred miles from home. And therefore, though he was rich, must beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but the maid’s father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her mistress’s shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which story, nevertheless, was hushed up.

All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me ‘tis all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands of Fulda or Hirschfeld ( for I know not myself whither I had wandered in the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a space of time.

2 Simon the Magician, known as Simon Magus is a subject of an episode in the first evangelization of Samaria. He is usually depicted as one who claims divine honors and sets up a rival religion to Christianity. There is an account of him in Acts, but the episode mentioned here is found in Arnobius, where Simon attempted to fly and at the name of Christ mentioned by Peter falls to his death. “Simon Magus,” Encyclopedia of Religion and Ethics ( Edinburgh: T&T Clark, 1926), vol. 2, p514-515, 523.
3Alsace-Lorraine is a region in northeast France on the French-German boarder. It has long been very prized in wars between France and Germany. It was under German control until the mid 1500’s and then back and forth until both went to France after the world wars. “Alsace-Lorraine,” World Book Encyclopedia (Chicago: World Book, Inc, 1999), vol. 1, p. 387.
4Odin was the most important of the Norse gods. He governs everything and is the father of all gods. He is also credited with the creation of the first human beings. Associated for his quest for wisdom and knowledge, he is often found engaged in a battle of wits. “Odin,” Cassell Dictionary of Norse Myth and Legend (UK: Cassell, 1997), p.122-124.
5Bohemia is a region in the western part of the Czech Republic, whose capital is Prague. The revolt that started the Thirty Years War began here. There was huge conflict between the Protestant Bohemians and their Catholic rulers, which led to the Defenestration of Prague, when the Protestant rebels threw two of the Emperor’s officials out a window. “Bohemia” and “Thirty Years War,” World Book Encyclopedia (Chicago: World Book Inc, 1999), vol. 2, p. 432-38 and vol. 19, p. 260.

Chap. xix. : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A FOOL BEFORE

So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader that I lay on my belly till ‘twas at least broad daylight; as not having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o’clock when there came foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills, and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served. So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the witches’ dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come back to the Emperor’s army: who, knowing me again, said at once, “Hoho! ‘tis the commandant’s calf of Hanau.”

Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes’ regiment, and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me; for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel’s wife sent to another colonel’s wife that could play well upon the lute, and therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it: which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folks to believe I was of the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me whither I would go; and I answering ‘twas all one to me, we agreed thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he know where my asses’ ears had gone. “Yea,” said I to myself, “an thou knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough.” Yet was I clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly goods lay in them.

Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor’s and the Elector’s camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my hood, my sleeves, my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured for me a lute of my own ( for he trusted to have me ever with him), then I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet, discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and (which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counselor and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my colonel, and was content to serve as lackey, to wait until the dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him.

Edited by Mary Beth Drake

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