Book IV


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Book IV


Chap. i.: “HOW AND FOR WHAT REASON THE HUNTSMAN WAS JOCKEYED AWAY INTO
FRANCE”

If you sharpen a razor too much you will notch the edge, and if you
overbend the bow, at last ‘twill break.The trick I played on my host with
the hare was not enough for me, but I devised others to punish his
insatiable greed.So did I teach the boarders to water the salted butter
and so to get rid of the overplus salt; yea, and to grate the hard cheese
like the Parmesans and moisten it with wine, all which things were to the
miser like stabs in his heart.Nay, by my conjuring tricks at table I drew
the water out of the wine, and made a song in which I compared the
skinflint to a sow, from which there was no good to be looked for till
the butcher had her dead upon the trestles.And so I myself furnished the
reason why he paid me, and that well, with the trick ye shall now
hear:for ‘twas not my business to play such pranks in his house.



The two young nobles that were his boarders received a letter of
exchange, and the command to go into France and there to learn the
language, just at a time when our host’s German groom was on his travels
and elsewhere, and to the Italian, said he, he dared not trust his horses
to him to take into France, for he knew little of him and feared he might
forget to come back, and so should he lose his horses:and therefore, he
begged of me to do him the greatest service in the world and to accompany
those two noblemen with his horses as far as Paris, for in any case my
suit could not be argued before four weeks were over; and he for his part
would, if I would give him full powers, so faithfully further my
interests as if I were there in person present.The young noblemen
besought me also to the same end, and mine own desire to see France
counseled me thereto:for now could I do this without special expense, and
otherwise must spend those four weeks in idleness and spend money too.So
I took to the road with my two noblemen, riding as their position; and on
the way there happened to me nothing of note.But when we came to Paris
and there put up at the house of our host’s correspondent, where also the
young noblemen had their letter of exchange honoured, the very next day
not only was I with the horses arrested, but a fellow that gave out that
my host owed him a sum of money seized upon the beasts, with the leave of
the commissary of the Quartier, and sold them.The Lord only doth know
what I said to all this: but there I sat like a graven image and could
not help myself, far less devise how I could return along a road so long
and at that time so dangerous.The two noblemen shewed me great sympathy,
and therefore honourably gave me a larger gratification: nor would they
have me leave them before I should find either a good master or a good
opportunity to return to Germany.So they hired them a lodging, and for
some days I stayed with them to wait upon one of them, which by reason of
the long journey, as being unused thereto, was indisposed.And as I shewed
myself so polite to him he gave to me all the clothing he put off: for he
would be clad in the newest mode.Their counsel was, I should stay a
couple of years in Paris, and learn the language: for what I had to fetch
from Cologne[1] would not run away.So as I halted between two opinions
and knew not what to do, the doctor which came every day to cure my sick
nobleman heard me once play on the lute and sing a German ditty to it,
which pleased him so that he offered me a good salary, together with
board at his own table, if I would live with him and teach his own two
sons: for he knew better than I how my affairs stood and that I should
not refuse a good master.Thus were we soon agreed, for both the noblemen
furthered the business all they could, and greatly recommended me: yet
would I not engage myself save from one quarter of a year to the next.


The doctor spoke German as well as I did and Italian like his mother
tongue: and therefore I was the more pleased to take service with him:
and as I sat at my last meal with my noblemen, he was there too, and
there all manner of sad fancies came into my head: for I thought of my
newly wedded wife, the ensigncy promised me, and my treasure at Cologne,
all which I let myself so easily be persuaded to leave: and as we came to
speak of our former host I had a whim, and said I over the table, “Who
knoweth, perhaps, our host have not of intention trepanned me hither that
he may claim and keep my property at Cologne?”The doctor answered it
might very well be so, especial if he deemed me a fellow of no
family.“Nay,” said one of the nobles, “if our friend was sent here to the
end he should stay here, ‘twas done because he so plagued the host on
account of his avarice.”“Nay,” said the sick man, “I believe there is
another reason: for as I stood of late in my chamber I heard the host
talk loud with his Italian man; so I listened to hear what ‘twas all
about, and at last from the servant’s broken German I understood that the
huntsman had accused him to the man’s wife of not tending the horses
well: all which the jealous knave, by reason of the man’s imperfect
speech, understood wrongly and in a dishonourable way, and therefore told
the Italian he need but wait, for the huntsman should presently be
gone.”Since then, too, he had looked askance upon his wife and grumbled
at her more than before, which I had myself remarked in the fool.Then
said the doctor, “From whatever cause ‘twas done, I am content that
matters have so turned out that he must remain here.But be not dismayed;
I will go at the first good opportunity help you back to Germany.Only
write ye to the man at Cologne to have a care of the money, or he will be
called sharply to account.And this also doth raise suspicion in me that
‘tis a plot- namely, that he that gave himself out for the creditor is a
very good friend both of your host and of his correspondent here, and I
do believe the bond, on which he seized and sold the horses, was brought
here by yourself.”


Chap. ii.:“HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND A BETTER HOST THAN BEFORE”

So Monsieur Canard (for so was my new master called) offered me to help
me in word and deed, that I might not lose my property at Cologne; for he
saw how much it troubled me.So as soon as he had me to his house, he
begged that I would tell him exactly how my affairs stood, that he might
understand and so devise how I might best be helped.Thereupon I thought
‘twould avail me little if I revealed mine own poor birth, and so gave
out I was a poor German nobleman that had neither father nor mother, but
only some kinsfolk in a fortress wherein was a Swedish garrison; all
which, said I , I had perforce concealed from my host at Cologne and my
two noblemen, as being all of the emperor’s party, that they might not
confiscate my money as the enemy’s property.My intention it was, said I,
to write to the commandant of the said fortress, in whose regiment I had
been promised an ensigncy, and not only inform him in what fashion I had
been deluded hither but also to beg him to have goodness to take
possession of my property, and in the meantime, until I could find
opportunity to return to my regiment, to put it at the disposition of my
friends.This plan the good Canard thought good, and promised me to
forward the letters to their proper place though it were in Mexico or
even in China.Accordingly I prepared letters to my wife, to my
father-in-law, and to the colonel S(aint) A(ndre), commandant in
Lippstadt, to whom I addressed the whole packet, and enclosed the two
others.The contents were: that I would present myself again as speedily
as might be, if only I could get the means to perform so long a journey,
and begged both my father-in-law and the colonel to do their best to
endeavour to recover my property by military process before the grass was
grown over it, and gave them a full list of the amounts in gold, silver,
and jewels.All these lettersdrew up in duplicate: and one copy Monsieur
Canard took charge of: the other copy I did entrust to the post, that if
one copy should go astray, the other at least might arrive safely.


So now was I at ease in my mind again, and was the more able to teach my
master’s two sons, which were brought up like young princes: for because
Monsieur Canard was rich, therefore was he beyond all measure proud, and
must make a display; the which disease he had taken from the great men,
with whom he daily had to do, and aped their ways.His house was like a
prince’s court, of which it wanted nothing save that none ever called him
“gracious sir,” and his conceit was so great that he would treat a
marquis, when such came to visit him, as no better than himself.He was
ready to help poor folk, and would take no small fees, but forgave them
the money that his name might be renowned.And because I was ever desirous
of knowledge, and because I knew that he made much show of my person when
I followed him with his other servants on a visit to some great man, I
would help him in his laboratory in the preparation of his medicines.Thus
was I become well acquainted with him, and that the more because it ever
pleased him to speak the German tongue:so once on a time I said to him,
why did he not write himself down as “of” his nobleman’s residence which
he had newly bought near Paris for 20, 000 crowns, and why he would make
simple doctors of his sons and would have them to study so hard.Were it
not better, since he himself had a title of nobility, to buy them
offices, as did other chevaliers, and so bring them entirely into the
class of nobles?“Nay,” he answered, “if I visit a prince, to me ‘tis said
“Master doctor, be seated,’ but to a nobleman, ‘ Wait thy turn!’”So said
I, “But doth the doctor not know that a physician hath three faces-the
first, an angel’s, when the sick man sees him first; the second, God’s
own, when he can help the sick; and the third, the devil’s own, when a
man is healed and can be rid of him?And so this honour of which ye speak
doth but last so long as the sick man is plagued in his belly: but when
‘tis over and the grumbling past there hath the honour an end, and
‘Master Doctor,’ quoth’a, ‘there is the door!’And so the nobleman hath
more honour in standing than the doctor in sitting, namely, because he
waiteth ever on his own prince and hath the honour never to leave his
side.Did ye not of late Master Doctor, take of a prince’s excrement into
your mouth to try the taste?Now I do say, I would sooner stand and wait
for ten years than meddle with another man’s dung, yea, even though I was
bidden to be seated on beds of roses.”To that he answered, “That I need
not to have done, but did it willingly, that the prince might see how
desperate anxious I was to understand his condition, and so my fee might
be greater: and why should I not meddle with another’s dirt, that payeth
me perhaps a hundred pistols for it, and I pay him naught that must eat
filth of another kind at my bidding?Ye talk of the thing like a German:
and were ye not a German I had said, ye talk like a fool.”


With that saying I was content, for I saw he would presently be angry,
and to bring him again into a good humour I begged him he would forgive
my simplicity and began to talk of pleasanter matters.


Chap. iii.:“HOW HE BECAME A STAGE PLAYER AND GOT HIMSELF A NEW NAME”

Now as Monsieur Canard had more game to throw away than many have to eat,
which yet have their own preserves, and thus more meat was sent to him by
way of present than he and all his people could eat, so had he also daily
many parasites, so that it seemed as if he kept open house.And once on a
time there visited him the king’s Master of the ceremonies and other high
personages, for whom he prepared a princely collation[2], as knowing well
whom he needed to keep as his friends, namely, those that were ever about
the king or stood well with him: and to shew them his great goodwill and
give them every pleasure, he begged that I would, to honour him and to
please the high personages present, let them hear a German song sung to
the lute.This is did willingly, being in the mood (for commonly musicians
be whimsical people), and so busied myself to play my best, and did so
please the company the Master of the Ceremonies said ‘twas great pity I
could not speak French: for so could he commend me greatly to the king
and queen.But my master, that feared lest I might be taken from his
service, answered him, I was of noble birth and thought not to sojourn
long in France, and so could hardly be used as a common
musician.Thereupon the Master of Ceremonies said he had never in his life
found united in one person such rare beauty, so fine a voice, and such
admirable skill upon the lute: and presently, said he, a comedy was to be
played before the king at the Louvre: and could he but have my services,
he hoped to get great honour thereby.This Monsieur Canard did interpret
to me: and I answered, if they would but tell me what person I was to
represent and what manner of songs iw as to sing, I could learn both tune
and words by heart and sing them to my lute, even if they were in the
French tongue: for perhaps my understanding might be as good as that of a
schoolboy such as they commonly use for such parts, though these must
first learn both words and actions by heart.


So when the Master of Ceremonies saw me so willing, he would have me
promise to come to him next day in the Louvre to try if I was fit for the
part: and at the time appointed I was there.The tunes of the song I had
to sing I could play at once perfectly upon the lute; for I had the notes
before me: and thereafter I received the French words, to learn them by
heart and likewise to pronounce them, all which were interpreted for me
in German, that I might use the actions fitted to the songs.All this was
easy enough to me, and I was ready before any could have expected it, and
that so perfectly (as Monsieur Canard declared) that ninety-nine out of a
hundred that heard me sing would have sworn I was born a Frenchman.And
when we came together for the first rehearsal, I did behave myself so
plaintively with my songs, tunes, and actions that all believed I had
often played the part of Orpheus, which I must then represent, and shew
myself vexed for the loss of my Eurydice.And in all my life I have never
had so pleasant a day as that on which our comedy was played.Monsieur
Canard gave me somewhat to make my voice clearer: but when he tried to
improve my beauty with oleum talci and to powder my curly hair that shone
so black he found he did but spoil all.So now was I crowned with a wreath
of laurel and clad in an antique sea-green robe in which all could see my
neck, the upper part of my breast, my arms above the elbow and my knees,
all bare and naked.About it was wrapped a flesh coloured cloak of
taffety[3] that was more like a flag than a cloak: and in this attire I
languished over my Eurydice, called on Venus for help in a pretty song,
and at last led off my bride: in all which action I did play my part
excellently, and gazed upon my love with sighs and speaking eyes.But when
I had lost my Eurydice, then did I put on a dress of black throughout,
made like the other, from out of which my white skin shone like the
snow.In this did I lament my lost wife, and did conjure up the case so
piteously that in the midst of my sad tunes and melodies the tears would
burst forth and my weeping choked the passage of my song: yet did I play
my part right well till I came before Pluto and Proserpina[4] in hell.To
them I represented in a most moving song their own love that they bore to
each other, and begged them to judge thereby with what great grief I and
my Eurydice must have parted, and prayed with the most piteous actions
(and all the time I sang to my lute) they would give her leave to return
to me: and when they had said to me “Yes,” I took my leave with a joyful
song to them, and was clever enough so to change my face, my actions, and
my voice to a joyful tune that all that saw me were astonished.But when I
again lost my Eurydice all unexpectedly I did fancy to myself the
greatest danger wherein a man could find himself, and thereupon became so
pale as if I would faint away: for inasmuch as I was then alone on the
stage and all spectators looked on me, I played my part the more
carefully and got therefrom the praise of having acted the
best.Thereafter I set me on a rock and began to deplore the loss of my
bride with piteous words and a most mournful melody, and to summon all
creatures to weep with me: upon that, all manner of wild beasts and tame,
mountains, trees, and the like flocked round me, so that in truth it
seemed as if ‘twere all so done in unnatural fashion by enchantment.Nor
did I make any mistake at all till the end: but then when I had renounced
the company of all women, had been murdered by the Bacchantes and cast
into the water (which had been so prepared that one could see only me
head, for the rest of my body was beneath the stage in perfect safety),
where the dragon was to devour me, and the fellow that was inside the
dragon to work it could not see my head and so did let the dragon’s head
wag about close to mine, this seemed to me so laughable that I could not
choose but make a wry face, which the ladies that looked hard upon me
failed not to perceive.


From this comedy I earned, besides the high praise that all gave me, not
only an excellent reward, but I got me yet another nickname, for
thenceforth the French would call me naught but “Beaus Alman.”And as
‘twas then carnival time, many such plays and ballets were represented,
in all which I was employed: but at last I found I was envied by others
because I mightily attracted the spectators, and in especial the women,
to turn their eyes on me: so I made an end of it, and that particularly
because I received much offence on one occasion, when, as I fought with
Achelous[5] for Dejanira, as Hercules, and almost naked, I was so grossly
treated as is not usual in a stage play.


By this means I became known to many high personages, and it seemed as if
fortune would again shine upon me: for ‘twas even offered me to enter the
king’s service, of which may a great Jack hath not the chance: yet I
refused: but much time I spent with ladies of quality that would have me
sing and play to them, for both my person and my playing pleased them.Nor
will I deny that I gave myself up to the temptations of the Frenchwomen,
that entertained me secretly and rewarded me with many gifts for my
services, till in the end I was wearied of so vile and shameful a trade,
and determined so to play the fool no longer.
 

NOTE--The fourth and fifth chapters of the original edition are devoted
to a prolix and tedious account of an adventure--if adventure it may be
called--of the kind hinted at in the last sentence of the third chapter. 
It is absolutely without connection with Simplicissimus's career as an
actor in the war; has no interest as a picture of manners; and finally,
can be read much better in Bandello, from whose much livelier story (vol.
iv., novel 25, of the complete editions) it is copied.  It is therefore
omitted here.  (Goodrick)



Edited by Miriam Marston





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[1]Cologne is located in western Germany, on the Rhine River.Frankish in
the 5th century, self-governing after 1288, it finally became a free
imperial city in 1475, but started to decline in the 16th century as the
Jewish population dwindled and restrictions were imposed on the
Protestants.Cologne was the center of German Catholicism and has the
largest Gothic cathedral in northern Europe.Until its decline, it
remained an important commercial center as well.“Cologne,”The Columbia
Encyclopedia Sixth Edition (New York City:Columbia University Press,
2000), p. 621-622.





[2]A collation, in this context, typically refers to a meal, usually a
light one, served at an unusual hour and as part of a ceremony or
meeting.“Collation,”Webster’s Third New International Dictionary
(Springfield, MA:G&C Merriam Company, 1970), p. 444



[3]Taffety is a fabric equal to silky satin in its value.Most probably
from Persia, this fabric is made up of different fabrics; the name
actually means “twisted woven”.There are two types of taffety: piece-dyed
is mostly used in linings and is exceptionally soft and smooth.Yarn-dyed
is stiffer and is used mostly in evening dresses.“Tafetty,”Webster’s
Third New International Dictionary (Springfield, MA:G&C Merriam Company,
1970), p. 2327.“Tafetta,” The Columbia Encyclopedia Sixth Edition (New
York City:Columbia University Press, 2000), p. 2777.





[4] Also commonly referred to as the Roman goddess Persephone, Proserpina
is the Greek goddess of the underworld, the woman Pluto kidnapped to make
his wife.She is a healing deity, as well as a goddess of childbirth.The
“goddess of the grain’s first leaves and buds”, she watches over the
germination of seeds in order to guarantee agricultural
fertility.Marjorie Leach, Guide to the gods(Denver: ABC-CLIO, 1992), 504
and 544.Robert E. Bell, Women of Classical Mythology: A Biographical
Dictionary (Denver: ABC-CLIO, 1991), 363.



[5]Achelous is a Greek god, the oldest of the “Three Thousand Sons” of
Oceanus and Tethys.Described as having horns of a bull and the body of a
snake, he is most known for being a river god, associated with all the
good, healthy features of water and life.He is also the supposed father
of the three sirens: Leucosia, Ligeia, and Parthenope.Achelous fell in
love with the goddess Deianira, but lost her to Hercules, who beat him in
a violent struggle.Among his feats, Achelous managed to turn five nymphs
into five different islands.Charles Coulter and Patricia Tunner,
Encyclopedia of Ancient Deities(Jefferson, NC:McFarland and Company,
Inc., 2000), p. 304.





