Book II, Chapters xxiii- xxvi

Home

Chap. xxiii. : HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS
    Now as soon as young Hurzbruder’s captain heard this story he took
from him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he
was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished for
death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a sore
sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied that on
the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and limb (which
day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the colonel that his
son might come to him once more, that he might talk with him of
inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I was not shut
out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw that the son
needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who knew his ways
and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his innocence. He,
as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged easily from the
circumstances that Oliver has laid this trap for his son through the
provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from whom he had worse
to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he looked but for death,
yet could not die content because he must leave his son in such disgrace:
in which plight the son desired not to live, but rather wished he might
die before his father. And truly the grief of these two was so piteous to
behold that I from my heart must weep. At last ‘twas their common resolve
to commit their cause to God in patience, and the son was to devise ways
and means to be quit of his regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but
when they examined the matter, they had no money with which he might buy
himself out of the service; and while they considered and lamented the
miserable state in which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all
hope of improving of their present condition, I then first remembered my
ducats 1 that I had sewn up in my ass’s ears, and so asked how much money
they wanted in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, “If there came
one and brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all
my troubles.” I answered him, “Brother, if that will help thee, have a
good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats.” “Alas, brother,” says
he, “ what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so wanton
that thou makest jest upon us in our sore affliction?” “Nay, nay,” said
I, “I will provide the money.” So, I stripped off my coat and took one of
the asses’ ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him count out a
hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, “Herewith will I
lend thy sick father if he need it.”
    Thereupon the both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for
very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and
therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder’s co-heir together with
his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they would
return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all which I
would have nothing , but only commended myself to their perpetual
friendship. After that young Herzbruder would have sworn to be revenged
on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and prophesied that he
that should slay Oliver would meet his end at that hands of me,
Simplicissimus. “Yet,” said he, “I am well assured that ye two will never
slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in fight.” Thereafter he
pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to love one another till
death and stand by each other in all straits.
    But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers(for
which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself
with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, and
there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish army
as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the meanwhile.

Chap. xxiv. : HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE
    Now none of my colonel’s people shewed himself better fitted to wait
on old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man
was also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by
the colonel’s wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good
nursing, and being relieved in respect to his son, he grew better from
day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored
to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be sick
till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. Meanwhile
all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to know their
future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good calculator and
caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent physiognomist and
palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named the very day on
which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since many came to him to
whom he foretold a violent death on that day.
    My colonel’s wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp,
for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered;
and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits,
he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge
that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which
cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he
described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it
were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the
time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things which
he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or had
turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, for
he feared I might find my destruction therein.
    When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me and also the
orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day,
most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay
and prayed without ceasing: but as ‘twas near to the afternoon there came
a lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the
colonel’s master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith by
us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the orderly
(with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of the horse,
as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that availed not,
he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to say he had many
times ridden over to see the old man and had never found him: now that he
had found him at home, should he not have the honour of speaking a single
word with him? So he dismounted, and nothing could prevent him from
unfastening the tent himself; and as he did that I bit his hand, and got
for my pains a hearty buffet. So as soon as he saw mine old friend, “ I
ask his honour’s pardon,” says he, “for the freedom I have taken, to
speak word with him.” “’Tis well,” says Herzbruder, “wherein can I
pleasure his honour?” “Only in this,” says the lieutenant, “that I could
beg of his honour that he would condescend upon the casting of my
nativity.” Then the old man answered: “I hope the honourable gentleman
will forgive me that I cannot, by reason of my sickness, do his pleasure
herein: for whereas this task needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot
accomplish it; but if he will be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope
to give him full satisfaction.” “Very well,” says the lieutenant, “but in
the meantime let your honour tell my fortune by my hand.” “Sir,” said old
Herzbruder, “that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your
worship to spare me in that matter: to-morrow I will do all that your
worship asks of me.” Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he
goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man’s eyes, and says he,
“Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life’s end, with
the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a warning
from God to order my life better; and so for God’s sake I beg you not to
conceal the truth.” Then the honest old man answered him in a word, and
says he, “’Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his guard, lest he be
hanged before an hour be past.” “What, thou old rogue,” quoth the
lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, “durst thou hold such language
to a gentleman?” and drew his sword and stabbed my good old friend to
death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried, “Murder,” so that
all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in his departure that
without doubt he would have escaped, but that the Elector of Saxony 2with
his staff at that very moment rode up, and had him arrested. So when he
understood the business he turned to  Count Hatzfeld, our general, and
all he said was this: “’Twould be bad discipline in an imperial camp that
even a sick man in his bed were not safe from murderers.”
    That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his
life: for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious
neck till he was dead.

Chap. xxv. : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL
AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE
    From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are
not to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe
nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any
man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to him
long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken of. And
to the question, whether ‘tis necessary, helpful and good for a man to
have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only this, that
old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still wish he had
told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he foretold I have
never been able to shun, and those that still await me do turn my hair
grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not whether I torment
myself or not: they will happen to me as did the rest. But as to strokes
of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of them I hold that they by
ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully accomplished as the unlucky
prophecies. For how did it help me that old Herzbruder swore by all that
was holy I was born and bred of noble parents, since I knew of none but
my dad and my mammy, which were but common peasants in the Spessart? In
like manner, how did it help Wallenstein 3, the Duke of Friedland, that
‘twas prophesied to him he should once be crowned king with stringed
music thereto? Doth not the whole world know how he was lulled to his
ruin at Eger? Others may worry their brains over such questions: but I
must to my story.
    So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described,
I took disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I had
been wont to call a town of flax and straw within earthen walls. For not
I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up with
iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool me
more, but to be rid of my jester’s garb should it cost me life and limb.
And that design I carried but scurvily, for otherwise I had no
opportunity.
    For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder’s death was
appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the
peasants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village,
wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers’ purpose, and as each went
to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I stole
away, and searched to find some old peasant’s clothing for which I could
exchange my fool’s cap: yet I found not what I desired but must be
content with a women’s clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, and
threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but that I
was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked across
the street, where were certain officers’ wives, and made such mincing
steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him disguised as a
maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter4: yet was I hardly outside
the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and taught me to run
faster: for when they cried “Halt, halt;” I ran the quicker, and before
they could overtake me I came to the said officers’ ladies, and falling
on my knees before them, besought them, in the name of all womanly honour
and virtue, they should protect me from those rascals. And this my prayer
not only found a good reception, but I was hired by the wife of a captain
of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg and the fort at Werben and
Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by our people.
    The captain’s wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on
my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble and
vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain German
where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too conscientious, and
pretended I understood not, nor would I show any outward indication by
which any man might judge me to be aught but a virtuous maiden. Now the
captain and his servant lay sick in that same hospital, so he bade his
wife to have me better clothed that she might not be put to shame by my
miserable peasant’s kirtle 5. So that she did and more than she was
bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll, and that did but fan
the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea, and it waxed so that
master and man begged me that which I could not grant them, and that
which I refused to the lady, though with all manner of courtesy. At last
the captain determined to take an opportunity to get by force from me
that which ‘twas impossible he should have: but that his wife marked, and
being in hopes to overcome my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways
and laid all manner of obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must
in the end go mad or lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress
were asleep, the servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep
every night, bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most
solemnly for grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone,
and gave him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married.
Then he offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get
from me was an assurance ‘twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon
he became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point
at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if he
would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and therefore
spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning give him a
certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed, but I stayed
awake the longer because I reflected on my strange condition: for I could
see that in the end my trick must be discovered, for the captain’s wife
became more and more importunate with her enticements, the captain more
impudent in his designs, and the servant more desperate in his constant
love: and out of such a labyrinth I would see no escape. Yet if the lady
left me in peace, the captain tormented me, and when I had peace from
both of them at night, then the servant beset me, so that my women’s
clothes were worse to wear than my fool’s cap. Then indeed (but far too
late) I thought of the departed Herzbruder’s prophecy and warning, and
could imagine nothing else but that I was already fast in the prison he
spoke of and in danger of life and limb. For the women’s apparel kept me
imprisoned, since I could not get out of it, and the captain would have
handled me roughly if he had once found out who I was, and had caught me
at the toilet with his fair wife. What should I do? I resolved at length
the same night to reveal myself to the servant as soon as ‘twas day, for
I thought, “his desires will then cease, and if thou art free with thy
ducats to him he will help thee to man’s clothes again and so out of all
thy straits.” Which was all well devised enough if luck would have had it
so: but that was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just
after midnight, and came to get his “Yes” from me, and began to hammer on
the carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a
little too loud, “Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your
promise to me,” and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent
close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes,
for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to
disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last the
servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either to come
out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I rebuked him and
asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of yesterday was on the
condition of marriage, without which he should have nought to do with me.
He answered I must in any case rise, for it began to grow light, to
prepare the food for the family in good time: then he would fetch wood
and water and light the fire for me. “Well,” said I, “if thou wilt do
that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will soon follow.” Yet as
the fool would not give over, I got up, more to do my work than to
pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of yesterday had left
him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for a maid-servant in the
field, for with the Croats I had learned how to boil, bake, and wash: as
for spinning, soldiers’ wives do it not on a campaign. All other women’s
work which I could not do, such as brushing and braiding my hair, my
mistress gladly forgave me, for she well knew I had never learned it.
    But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was
so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain
himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the captain,
before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer, but sprang
with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a thrust: but he
ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to me, “Thou whore
in grain,” says he, “I will teach thee...” and more he could not say for
very rage, but struck me as if he were mad. But I beginning to cry out,
he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp: for both armies, Saxon
and Imperialist, lay close together expecting the approach of the Swedes
under Baner.

Chap. xxvi. : HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER
    As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys,
even as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of
rascals, and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater
and more dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to
satisfy their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils’ children
when a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows
looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me not
out of his sight, and when he saw ‘twould go ill with me would rescue me
by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers enough when
he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity for him and me,
were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they had a better
right to me, and would not let such a good prize go, would not have, and
went about to repel force with force. So blows beginning to be dealt on
both sides, the crowd and the noise became greater and great till it
seemed almost like a tournament in which each did his best for a fair
lady’s sake. All this terrible hubbub drew the Provost-general to the
spot, who came even then when my clothing had been torn from my body and
‘twas plain that I was no woman: his coming made all quiet as mice, for
he was feared far more than the devil himself; and those that had been at
fisticuffs scattered. But he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas
I hoped he would save me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was
a strange and suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in
women’s clothes. Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the
regiments (which were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to
deliver me to the Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but
when we were about to pass my colonel’s regiment, I was known and
accosted and furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given
in custody to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot.
    It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old
curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver
paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept,
see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also have
fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same evening
why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental sheriff received
orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might the sooner be laid
before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted me not only a spy,
but also one that could use witchcraft; for shortly after I left my
colonel certain witches were burnt who confessed before their death that
they had seen me at their General Assembly, when they met together to dry
up the Elbe, that Magdeburg might be taken the sooner. So the points on
which I was to give an answer were these, (1) Whether I had not been a
student, or at least could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp
at Magdeburg, disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain’s service I had
been as sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women’s
apparel? (4) Whether I had not been at the witches’ dance with other
sorcerers? (5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had
sojourned before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and
to what end I had learned women’s work such as washing, baking, cooking,
and also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that
the circumstances of my strange adventure might explain all; but the
judge was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he
desired only a round answer for each question; and that I answered in the
following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was exact
or precise, as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read and
write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool’s coat because I had
no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool’s coat and could come at no
men’s clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will and knew
naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my parents were
peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a colonel of Croats,
Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been forced against my will to
learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing at Hanau because I had a
liking thereto. So when my deposition was written out, “How canst thou
deny,” says he, “and say thou hast not studied, seeing that when thou
didst pass for a fool, and the priest in the mass said ‘Domine non sum
dignus,’ thou didst answer in Latin that he need not say that, for all
knew it.”
    “Sir,” said I, “others taught me that and persuaded me ‘twas a prayer
that one must use at mass when our chaplain was saying it.” “Yes, yes,”
said he, “I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue must be
loosed by the torture.” Whereat I thought, “God help thee if thy tongue
follow thy foolish head!”
    Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our
provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as soon
as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must without
doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my bonds I
thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was dead, how
both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of my fool’s
coat again.

Edited by Charles King

===========================================================================

1   A ducat is a gold coin, used in areas throughout Europe in different
forms up to the present day. The name derives from the inscription on the
original ducat, produced by Roger II of Sicily. The inscription read,
"Sit tibi, Christi, datus, quem tu regis, iste ducatus" ("Lord, thou
rulest this duchy, to thee be it dedicated"). "ducat," The Oxford English
Dictionary (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), Volume 4, p. 1098 and
"ducat," Encyclopedia Britannica (New York City: Encyclopœdia Britannica
Co., 1910), Volume 8, p. 629.
2  Elector of Saxony was a title for the Duke of Saxony, one of the seven
"elector" posts for the selection of the Holy Roman emperor. His dominion
of Saxony, wherein he was effectively the supreme sovereign, was located
near the Elbe River, in northwest Germany. "elector" and "Saxony," 
Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopœdia Britannica Inc., 1997),
Volume 4, p. 331 and Volume 10, p. 491.
3  Albrecht von Wallenstein (1583- 1634) was a Bohemian statesman, who
was enlisted to lead the Holy Roman Empire's forces in part of the Thirty
Years' War. At the end of the war, having fallen out of favor with the
emperor over issues of deception and disloyalty, Wallenstein headed for
Eger to plot with Swedes and Saxons. While camped there, he and his men
were murdered by English, Scotish and Irish troops. "Wallenstein,
Albrecht Wenzel Eusebius von," Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago:
Encyclopœdia Britannica Inc., 1997), Volume 12, p. 470- 471.
4&nbsp; In Greek mythology, Thetis, mother of the hero Achilles,  made
him to dress as a woman and hide among the ladies at the court of King
Lycomedes to avoid being drafted into the Trojan War. While in hiding at
the court, Achilles and Lycomedes daughter secretly became intimate.
Edith Hamilton, Mythology: Timeless Tales of Gods and Heroes (New York
City: Penguin Books USA, 1969), p. 181.
5  A kirtle is a tunic, usually going down to the knee, often worn  over
a shirt and under a mantle of some sort. "kirtle," The Oxford English
Dictionary (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), Volume 8, p. 461.
