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Chap. xx : IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT HANGS
THEREBY

     Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could
he not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even
in the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such
fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had
conceived such a judgement from my face, for he was skilled in
physiognomia1.  Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon
my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude
recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the dangers
from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep sighing and
slept soundly till day.

     All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and
this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced
himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied
himself to be somewhat.  Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut,
because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would
not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any
one else should know this secret.  Once on a time I went to take the air
outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the
opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with me
alone.  So as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed I
was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear friend,
‘tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able to speak
with thee alone.  I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest, and that
thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised state.  If
now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to a man of
honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy fortunes, so
will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and deed to help
thee out of this fool’s coat."

     So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had
been a prophet to release me from my fool’s cap: and sitting both down
upon the ground, I told him my whole story.  Then he examined my hands,
and wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those
which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my
fool’s coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could see
that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me danger
of life and limb.  So I thanked him for his good will and his counsel,
and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith, and of
himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and father.

     So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the
dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and
damnation that they could lay their tongues to.  The place was wellnigh
as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished
with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its
four-cornered thieves’ bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for
share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from another.
 So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I should have
said, and might well have said *"crooperer"), whose office ‘twas to be
judges and to see that none was cheated; they too lent the cloaks and
tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their hire out of the
winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet it bred them no
advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or when it was best
laid out, ‘twas the sutler2 or the barber-surgeon that had it - for there
were many broken heads to mend.

     At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win,
which was impossible, even if they had played at another’s** risk: and
though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the more
skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that some hit
and some missed, some won and some lost.  Thereupon some cursed, some
roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed - wherat the winners
laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their clothes and
all they valued most, and others again won even that money from them:
some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part, would have
false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others threw away,
broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers’ cloaks. 
Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a good
spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were, as sharp
as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished: others
were High German, to which a man must in casting give the Bavarian swing.
 Some were of stag’s horn, light above and heavy below.  Others were
loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with split hairs,
sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners, others had them
pared quite away: some were long like logs and some broad like tortoises.
 All which kings were made but for cheating: and what they were made for,
that they did, whether they were thrown with a swing or trickled on to
the board, and no coupling of them was to any avail; to say nothing of
those that had two fives or two sixes, or on the other hand, two aces or
two deuces.  With these thieves’ bones they stole, filched, and plundered
each other’s goods, which they themselves perchance had stolen, or at
least with danger to life and limb, or other grievous trouble and labour,
had won.

     So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the
gamesters in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. 
Then answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not:
but for the rest, I leave it for what ‘tis worth as a matter unknown to
me, and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my
governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp, for
here men seek one another’s money and lose their own in doing so.  And
whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already broken
the tenth commandment, which saith, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s
goods.’"  And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by deceit and
false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth commandments. 
Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on him from whom thou
hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is so great that by
reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need and recklessness,
or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this plea help thee, that
thou sayest, ‘I did risk mine own and won honestly.’  Thou rogue, thou
camest to the gaming-place with this intent, to grow rich through
another’s loss.  And if thou lose, thou art not excused with the
punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich man in the parable,
thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so uselessly hast squandered
that which He lent thee for the support of thee and thine.  Whosoever
goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same committeth himself to the
danger of losing therin, not only his money, but his body and his life
also yea, what is most terrible of all, there can he lose his own soul. 
I tell thee this as news, my friend Simplicissimus (because thou sayest
gaming is unknown to thee), that thou mayest be on thy guard against it
all thy life long."  So I answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be
so terrible and dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" 
My governor answered: "I will not say ‘twas because our officers
themselves take part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will
not - yea, cannot - do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself
over to gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play
hath seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or
lose) so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than
that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through
and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play - yea,
even if they must go home shirtless.  Yet this gaming hath already been
forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the
command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through the
means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites - openly and
violently.  Yet ‘twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook themselves to
secret corners and behind hedges, won each other’s money, quarreled, and
brake each others’ necks thereupon: so that to prevent such murders and
homicides, and specially because many would game away their arms and
horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore now ‘tis not only
publicly allowed, but this particular place is appointed therefore, that
the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any harm that might happen: yet
they cannot always hinder that one or the other fall not dead on the
spot.  And inasmuch as this gaming is the tormenting devil’s own device,
and bringeth him no small gain, therefore hath he ordained especial
gaming-devils, that prowl around the world and have naught else to do but
to tempt men to play.  To these divers wanton companions bind themselves
by certain pacts and agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win:
yet can a man among ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay,
on the contrary part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are
lightly esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in
vile pleasure.  Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, ‘The devil
never leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,’ for he taketh
from them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more
(except God’s infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their
souls.  Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by nature
and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought to
despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring
therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win
mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and
drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net."  Thereat I crossed
myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things
should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially because
visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and the next
followed therefrom.  Yet my governor said all that he had told me was as
yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the harm that came
from gaming would begin an impossible task.  For as men say, so soon as
the hazard is thrown ‘tis now in the devil’s hands, so should I fancy
that with every die, as it rolled from the player’s hand upon cloak or
table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it shew as many
points as his master’s interest demanded.  And further, I should reflect
that ‘twas not for nought that the devil entered into the game so
heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine gains out of it
himself.  "And with that note thou further," says he, "That just as there
are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain chafferers3 and Jews, which
buy from the players at cheap rate what they have won, as rings, apparel
or jewels, or are ready to change such for money for them to game away,
so also there be devils walking to and fro, that they may arouse and
foster thoughts that may destroy the souls in the gamesters that have
cease to play, be they winners or losers.  For the winners the devil will
build terrible castles in the air; but into them that have lost, whose
spirit is already quite distraught and therefore the more apt to receive
his harmful counsels, he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs
as can but tend to their eternal ruin.  Yea, I assure thee,
Simplicissimus, I am of the mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I
can come in peace to my own again.  And in that I will describe firs the
loss of precious time, which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and
no less the fearful curses with which men blaspheme God over their
gaming-tables.  Then will I likewise recount the taunts with which men
provoke one another, and will adduce many fearful examples and stories
which have happened in, during, and after play: and there will I not
forget the duels and homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. 
Yea, I will portray in their true colours set before men’s eyes the
greed, the rage, the envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the
covetousness, the thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both
of dicers and of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may
conceive such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows’ milk (which
folk are wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their
madness).  So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more
blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with
their curses."  And this project I praised, and wish him the opportunity
to carry it out.
 

Chap. xxi. : IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE  LAST

      Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to
him, yet kept we our friendship very secret: ‘tis true I acted still as a
fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage
and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless.  My
colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once
when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention
pleased my hugely.  But because the dog we had was so hot that he would
spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could
catch but little, wherefore I counseled the colonel to couple the bitch
with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when they
would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so could
with them catch the birds in the air.  I proposed also, since it went
right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg,4 which we then besieged,
to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and encompassing the
whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men and all the cattle
in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole city head over heels. 
Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised every day an abundance, for
‘twas my trade, and none ever found my workshop empty.  And for this my
master’s secretary, which was an evil customer and a hardened rogue, gave
me matter enough, whereby I was kept on the road which fools be wont to
walk: for whatsoever this mocker told me, that I not only believed myself
but told it to others, whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse
turned on that subject.

      So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he
was distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is
master Dicis et non facis, which is, being interpreted into German, a
fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself.  He is the
bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth
not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be
commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its
best."  So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he
was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at his
request well basted.  Further, the secretary persuaded me they had pulled
down and set fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, that the
sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of evil weeds:
so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and hearty fighters
ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, malingerers, and the
like, that were content with their pay: likewise no elegant a la mode
cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient Jobs, henpecked
husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout women, and all manner
of outcasts which in this world are good neither to bake nor to boil, and
young children.  He told me too a lying story of how hosts were called
innkeepers only because in their business they endeavoured to keep in
with both God and the devil.  And of war he told me that at times garden
bullets were used, and the more precious such were, the more damage they
did.  "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with artillery, ammunition and
baggage-train can be so led by a golden chain."  Further, he persuaded me
that of women more than half wore breeches, though one could not see
them, and that many, though they were no enchantresses and no goddesses
as was Diana, yet could conjure bigger horns on to their husbands’ heads
than ever Actaeon5 wore.  In all which I believed him: so great a fool
was I.

     On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me,
entertained me with far different discourse.  Moreover, he brought me to
known his son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon
army, and was a man of far different quality to my colonel’s secretary:
for which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get
him from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post
his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also.  With this
muster-clerk, whose name, like his father’s, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I
struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in virtue
of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy or
sorrow; and because this was without his father’s knowledge, therefore we
held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow.  By this was it made our
chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my cool’s coat, and
how we might honestly serve one another; all which however the old
Herzbruder, whom I honored and looked to as my father, approved not, but
said in so many words that if I was in haste to change my estate, such
change would bring me grievous imprisonment and great danger to life and
limb.  And because he foretold for himself also and his son a great
disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that he had reason to act
more prudently and warily than to interfere in the affairs of a person
whose great approaching danger he could foresee: for he was fearful he
might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I declared myself, because he
had long ago found out my secret and knew me inside and out, yet he never
revealed my true condition to the colonel.  And soon after I perceived
yet better that my colonel’s secretary envied my new brother desperately,
as thinking he might be raised over his head to the post of regimental
secretary; for I saw how at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon
him, and how he was always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked
upon the old or the young Herzbruder.  Therefrom I judged he was making
of calculations how he might trip and throw him.  So I told to my
brother, both from my faithful love to him and also as my certain duty,
what I suspected, that he might a little be on his guard against this
Judas.  But he did but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough
superior the secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the
colonel’s great favour and grace.
 

Chap. xxii. : A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN’S SHOES

     Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried
soldiers, and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one,
and to boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said
of him he had seen enough and more than enough.  For he was a fully
qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not
only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also,
yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his
countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have
Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe.  And though the
poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held
themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his
ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with
this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary.  And the more his envy
of young Herzbruder increased - who was ever of a lively humour - the
thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: whence I could
easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and Mercury boded no good
to the honest Herzbruder.  Just then my colonel’s lady was rejoiced at
the coming of a young son, and the christening feast spread in well-night
princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder was brought to wait at table.
 Which, when he of his courtesy willingly did, he gave the longed-for
opportunity to Oliver to bring into the world the piece of roguery of
which he had long been in labour.  For when all was over my colonel’s
great silver-gilt cup was missing; and this loss he made the more ado
about because ‘twas still there after all stranger guests had departed:
‘tis true a page said he had last seen it in Oliver’s hands, but would
not swear to it.  Upon that the Provost was fetched to give his counsel
in the matter and ‘twas said aside to him that if he by his arts could
discover the thief, they would so carry the matter that that thief should
be known to none save the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had
been present whom, even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a
matter, he would not willingly bring to shame.

     So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough
into the colonel’s great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the
matter.  At that each looked on his neighbor, and desired to know how
‘twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear.  And no sooner had
the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man’s
breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their
clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies.  And these sniffed round
and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner of
colours, and each with some special ornament, so that ‘twas a right merry
sight.  As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies that I
must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted away in
the forest, there I must stand naked.  Last of all one sprang out of the
young Herzbruder’s pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on golden a
collar.  This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there were so
many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot down by
reason of them.  And when it had destroyed all, it became smaller and
smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it turned into my
colonel’s cup.

     Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must
perforce believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen
the cup: so said the colonel to him: "Look ye, unthankful guest, have I
deserved this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never
believed of thee?  For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my
secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should have
thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a care of
thy honourable and ancient father.  Now quick;" said he, "out of my camp,
and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more."

     So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him,
for his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must
needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the
colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to
answer for this sinful son."  Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver
attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any
honourable fashion do so.
 

Edited by : Jessica Otis

1  The art of discovering temperament, and other characteristic qualities
of the mind, by the outward appearance, especially by the features of the
face. Neufeldt, Victoria, ed. Third college Edition Webster's New World
Dictionary of American English (Cleveland: Webster's New World, 1988), p.
1019.  See also the prologue of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales for other
examples of physiognomy.
*  It is difficult to translate the German expression.  Probably this
word, meaning a maritime trader in illicit wars, represents it best. 
[Goodrick's note.]
2  A person following an army to sell food, liquor, etc. to its soldiers.
 Neufeldt, Victoria, ed. Third college Edition Webster's New World
Dictionary of American English (Cleveland: Webster's New World, 1988), p.
1349.
**  Obscure lines: many of the expressions in this chapter are now
inexplicable.  [Goodrick's note.]
3  Noun form of chaffere: to deal, exchange or barter.  Wright, Thomas,
ed. Dictionary of Obsolete and Provincial English (New York Street,
Covent Garden: Harry G. Bohn, 1857), vol. 1, p. 296.
4  The capital of Saxony-Anhalt, in central Germany, on the Elbe River. 
During the Thirty Years War the imperial forces laid siege to Magdeburg
in 1629 and again in 1631.  Under the command of Johann von Tilly,
imperial forces captured and sacked Madgeburg, killing over 2/3 of the
population.  "Madgeburg," The New Encyclopedia Brittanica (Chicago:
Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc,1997), vol. 7, p. 668.
5  A Greek figure in mythology, Actaeon was a hunter who saw Artemis
bathing in the woods.  As punishment for looking upon her, she turned him
into a stag, whereupon his own dogs attacked and killed him. Hamilton,
Edith. Mythology (New York: Penguin Books USA, Inc, 1940) p. 255-6.
