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Book II, Chapter vi:
HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WHENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A CALF.

Now when I came to myself and found meself no longer in the glooomy
cellare with the devils, but in a dine room under the charge of three of
the foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them first, when I
opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then read
the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be Furies 1, or at
least have taken one for Tisiphonecome from hell to robme, like Athamas
2,of my wits (for well I knew I wasthere to be turned into a fool). 
Forshe had a pair of eyes like twowill-o&rsquo;-the-wisps, and between
the samea long, thin hawk&rsquo;s nosewhose end or point reached at least
to herlower lip: and two teeth onlycould I see in her mouth, and those so
perfect,long, round, and thick thateach might for its form be likened to
a ring-finger,and for its colour tothe gold ring itself.  In a word,
there was enoughto make up a mouthfulof teeth, yet ill distributed.  Her
face was likeSpanish leather, andher grey hair hung in a strange
confusion about her head,for they had justfetched her from her bed.  In
truth it was a fearsomesight, which couldserve for nought else but as an
excellent remedy againstthe unreasonablelust of a salacious goat.  The
other two were no whithandsomer, savethat they had blunt apes&rsquo;
noses and had put on theirclothes somewhatmore orderly.  So when I had a
little recovered myself,I perceivedthat the one was our dish-washer and
the other two wives of twogrooms.  I pretended as though I could not move
(and in truth I wasin no conditionfor dancing): whereupon these honest
old beldames stripped me stark nakedand cleansed me for all filth like a
young child; yea, while the work wasa-doing they shewed me great patience
and much compassion, insomuch thatI nearly revealed to them how it truly
stood with me: yet I thought,&ldquo;Nay,Simplicissimus, trust thou in  no
old women; but considerthou has victoryenough if thou in they youth canst
decieve three such craftyold hags, withwhose help one could catch the
devil in the open field: fromsuch beginingsthough mayst hope in thine old
age to do yet greater things.&rdquo;
   So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein
I fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and
other things wherewith they had wached me away with them, and my clothes
likewise.  Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one stretch
twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads with
wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white shirts,
taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and the like
dazzling trinkets.  One had a gilded trncher full of cakes, shortbread,
marchpane, and otherconfectionery; but the other a gilded flagon in his
hand.  These twoangles (for such they have themselves out to be) sought
to persuage me Iwas now in heaven, for that I had happily endured
purgatory and had escapedfrom the devil and his dam: so need I only ask
what me heart desired, forall that I could wish was at hand or, if not,
they could presently fetchit.  Now I was tormented by thirst, and as I
saw the beaker beofre meI desired only drink, which was willingly handed
to me.  Yet was itno wine but a gentle sleeping-draught which I drank at
one pull, and withthat again fell asleep so soon as it grew warm within
me. 
The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet
found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine old
goose-pen.  There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, and
besides that Ihad on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough side was
turned outwards:the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian fashion and
the doublet was tooshaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on my neck was
a headpiece like amonks cowl; this was drawn down over my head and
ornamented with a fine pairof greatasses&rsquo; ears.  Then must I
perforce laugh at mine ownplight; forwell I saw by the nest and the
feathers what manner of bird Iwas to be. And at that time I first began
to reason with myself andto reflect what Ihad best do.  So this I
determined; to play the foolto the utmost, asI might have the chance now
and again and meanwhile towair with patiencehow my fate would shape
itself.

Book II, Chapter vii:
HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A BRUTE BEAST

Now it had been east for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign
had cut in the dorr before, to free myself.  But because I must now be a
fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath
not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present
myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long
before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch mel for
presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in
there.  So I answered: &ldquo; Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in
here.&rdquo; And with that they opened to pen and brought me out, and
wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became the,
even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who
cannot play his part; and so much so that I thought often I must help
them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do
with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor as one who would
give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher would pay for
me.  Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered &ldquo;Sorrily
enough.&rdquo; So they asked why, and I said, &ldquo;For this reason,
that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves goose-pens.  Ye
rouges must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and somust
I be brought up as becometh an honorable steer.&rdquo;
   So after this brief discourse they had me with them acrossthe street
to the Governor&rsquo;s quarters: a great crowd of boys followingus, and
inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, theveryblind
could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calveswas
beingdriven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a packof
young foolsand old. 
    Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the
world as if they had taken me as plunder: then he rewared with
agratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have
abouthim.  SoI thought of the Goldsmith&rsquo;s * and answered thus:
&ldquo;Good,my lord,but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves
can endureno such treatmentif we are to grow and turn into fine heads of
cattle.&rdquo;The Governorpromised me better things and though himself a
clever fellowto have madeso presentable a fool out of me.  &ldquo;But
no,&rdquo;thought I, &ldquo;waitthou, my dear master; I have endured the
trial byfire and therein have Ibeen hardened: now will we try which of us
two canbest trick the other.&rdquo;
   Now jut then a peasant what had fled into the city was driving his
cattle to drink.  Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran
to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but they,
when I came to them, were more terrified as me than a wolf, albeitI wore
hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered soquickly
from one another as if a hornets nest had been let loose among themin
August, so that their master could not again bring them together at
thesame place: which occasiond pretty sport.  And in a wink a crowd
offolk ran together to see this fool&rsquo;s jape, and as my lord laughed
tillhe was fit to burst, as last he said &ldquo;Truly one fool maketh a
hundredmore.&rdquo;
   But I thought to myself, &ldquo;Yea, and thou speakest this truth of
thine own self.&rdquo;
   And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my
part had a scoffing nickname for everyone: which same, according to the
opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; for I
chirstened each as his qualities demanded.  In a word; many did count me
for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits.  And to
my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content
with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.
   The said jest which I played eith the peasant&rsquo;s cattle made a
short forenoon still shorter; for &lsquo;twas then about the winter
solstice.  At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played
many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take
man&rsquo;s food or drink: for I said roundly that I would have only
grass, which at that time &lsquo;twas impossible to come by.  So my lord
had a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same
pulledover the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at a
table, andfor a first course set before us a dish of winter salad and
bade us fallto lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice
him with saltto eat the salad.  So I looked on staring as if I wondered
at this,but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better. 
     &ldquo;Of a certainty,&rdquo; said they, when they saw mesounmoved,
&ldquo;&rsquo;tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese,and
butter; yes, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays cometo
that, that but little difference is to be douns between them and mankind.
 Wilt though not play they part therein?&rdquo;  And to that I was the
more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had
beforeseen with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs,
more savagethan lions, more lustful than goats, more envious than dogs,
more unrulythan horses, more stupid than asses, more mad for drinks than
the brutes,craftier than foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes,
and more poisonousthan asps and toads; yet all alike partook of
men&rsquo;s food, and onlyby their shape were discerned from the beasts,
and specially in repsect ofinnocence were they to be counted far below
the poor calf.  So I atemy fill with my fellow calves as much as my
appetite demanded: and if a strangerhad unexpectedly thus beheld me
sitting at table, without doubt he had imaginedthat Circe 3 of old had
risen up again to turn to men into beasts; which artmy master then knew
and practised.  And as I took my dinner, so I wastreated at my supper,
and even as my fellow guests or parasites fed withme,so must they with me
to bed, though my lord would not permit that I shouldpass the night in
the cow-byre.  Now all this I did to befoool themthatwould have held me
for a fool, and this sure conclusion did I make,that themost gracious God
doth lend and impart to every man in his stationto whichHe hath called
him, so much wit as he hath need of there to maintainhimself:yea, and
moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors though theybe ornot, that
they alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade,whereasthere
be as many good fish + in the sea yet.

Book II, Chapter viii:
DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS

   Now when I awaked the next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up
and away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away
the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him I
told all that he happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell.  So when
hw saw that I vexed me conscience that I should deceive so many folk,
asspecially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, &ldquo;why, upon
thatpoint,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;thou needest not to trouble thyself:
this foolishworld will be befooled; and if they have left thee they wits,
so use thouthose same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine thyself as
if thou, liketo the Phoenix, hast been newly born from folly to
understanding throughfire, and so to a new human life.  Yet know thou
withal thou are notyet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason hast
slipped into this fool&rsquo;scap.  Yea, and these times be so out of
joint that none can know whetherthou yet escape without loss of life. 
For a man can run quickly intohell, but to get out again forth need a
deal of puffing and blowing: andthou art not yet&mdash;no, not by a long
way&mdash;man enough to escape thedanger than lies before thee, as well
thou mightest suppose.  So wiltthou have need of more foresight and wit
than in those days when thou knewestnot what reason or unreason was: bide
thou thy time and wait on the turnof the tide.&rdquo;
   Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and
that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I fancied
myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit and art
slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, that he was
sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed what part had
he in me?  With that I changed my discourse also, had busied myself to
give him great thanks for the excellent remedies with he had imparted to
me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made him impossible promised
to repay him all that my debt to him demanded.  Now this tickled him and
brought him again to a different humour, wherein he bepraised his
medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had invented an art which
Metrodorus of Skepsis 4 had perfected, and that not without great pains,
whereby he couldteach men at the repeating of a single word to recount
all that they hadever heard or read, and such a thing, said he,
&ldquo;were not possible withoutmedicines to strengthen the head such as
he had ministered to me.&rdquo;
   &ldquo;Yea,&rdquo; though I, &ldquo;my good master parson:yet have I
read in thine own books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a differenttale of
that wherein the Skepsian&rsquo;s mnemonic did consist.&rdquo;
   Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth,
&lsquo;twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became
keen-witted and more guarded in my talk.  So the pastor continued, and
told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30, 000 soldiers by his
right name; how Lucius Scipio could so the like with ever citizen of
Romel andhow Cineas, Pyrrhus&rsquo;s ambassador, on the very day after he
came toRome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators and
nobles.  Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm men
speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister judgment
in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately.  So, too, the
learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know out of all
the books in a whole library if he had but read them once through. 
Lucius Seneca could say 2000names in order if they were once recited
before him and, as Ravisius tells,could repeat 200 verses spoken by 200
scholars from the last back to thefirst.  So Esdras knew the five books
of Moses by heart, and could dictatethe same word by word to the scribes.
 Themistocles in one year didlearn the Persian Speech, and Crassus, in
Asia, could talk five separatedialects of the Greek language, and in each
administer the law to his subjects.  Julius Caesar could at the same time
read, dictate, and give audiences.  The holy Jerome new both Hebrew,
Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, Arabicand Latin, and the eremite
Antonius knew the whole Bible by heart only fromhearing it read.  And so
we know of a certain Corsican that he couldhear 6000 men&rsquo;s names
recited and thereafter repeat them in properorder. 
   &ldquo;And all this I tell thee,&rdquo; said he further, &ldquo;that
thou mayest not hold it for an impossible thing that a man&rsquo;s memory
should be excellently strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the
other hand, be in many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed.  For
in man there is no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason
of sickness, terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it wither vanisheth away
or loseth a great part of that after a stone had fallen on his head he
forgot all he had ever learned, even to his alphabet.  So too another, by
reason of sickness, came to this, that he forgot his own servant&rsquo;s
name: and Messala Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had
a good memory.  And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins
thereupon forgot how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory,
and when after a year&rsquo;s time he had again drunken of the same blood
at the same place and the same time, could again write and read.  So if a
man eats bear&rsquo;s brains, &lsquo;tis said he will fall into such a
craze and strong delusion as ifhe himself were turned into a bear; as is
shewn by the example of a Spanishnobleman who, having eaten of it, ran
wild in the woods and could believenought else but that he was a bear. 
My good Simplicissimus, had thymaster but known this art, thou mightest
well have been changed into a bearlike Callisto, rather than into a bull
like Jupiter 5.&rdquo;
   The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his
medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come.  So
with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one hundred
boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like calves:
insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the windows, and when
he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh heartily
thereat.

Book II, Chapter ix
CROOKET PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY

Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the
parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to
see and to hear his new fool.  There I appeared and stood a-gaping like a
dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took occasion
to sayshe had been told this calf at the dance took occasion to say she
had beentold this calf could speak, but now she did plainly percieve
&lsquo;twasnot true.  Whereto I made answer I had also heard apes could
not speak,but now could plainly hear &lsquo;twas not so.
   &ldquo;What;&rdquo; says my lord, &ldquo;opinest thou, then, that
these ladies be apes?&rdquo;
   So I answered, &ldquo;Be they no so already, yet they soonwill be: for
who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expectedto become
a calf; and yet am I that same.&rdquo;
   Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies
should become apes: so I answered him, &ldquo;Our ape here carrieth his
hinder parts naked, but these ladies do carry their bosom: which other
maidens be wont to cover.&rdquo;
   &ldquo;Ah, rogue,&rdquo; saith my lord, &ldquo;thou beest but a
foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of
purpose shew what &lsquo;tis worth men&rsquo;s while to gaze upon;
whereas the poor ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing.  And now be
thou quick to make good that wherein thou has offened: else will we so
bastinado thee and so hunt three to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to
do with calves that know not how to behave themselves.  Yet let us hear
if thou canst praise a lady as is becoming.&rdquo;
   So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again fromfoot to
head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would takeher to
wife: and at last, &ldquo;Sir,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;I see clearlywhere
the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all.  Thevillain
hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast,below
the skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind.  The botchershould
have this hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this.&rdquo;And
&ldquo;Lady,&rdquo; quoth I to her, &ldquo;be rid of him, or he willshame
you; and have a care that you do deal with my dad&rsquo;s tailor,
whichsame was hight Master Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns
formy mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below.
So did they never drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot
believewhat fine clothes he would make for the hussies.&rdquo;
   So says my lord, &ldquo;Were now thy father&rsquo;s Ann and thy
father&rsquo;s Ursula handsomer than these ladies;&rdquo;
   &ldquo;Nay,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;my lord, that may not be: this young
maiden hath hair as yellow as sulpher, and the parting of herhair so
white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom;yes, and
her hair so sweetly done up on rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems;
yes, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of
candles or a dozen sausages.  Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she
hath! Is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead
man&rsquo;sskull that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 
&lsquo;Tispity indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder;
for when people see this who understand not such things, surely they will
think this lady had the king&rsquo;s evil, which is wont to produce such
a scaly humour;and this were surely pity: for look upon those sparking
eyes: they shineas black as did the soot on my dad&rsquo;s chimney for
that did use to shineso terrible when our Ann stood there before it was a
wisp of straw to warmthe room as if fire were therein enough to set the
world in a blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red
garters with which theSwabian waggoners at Ulm6 did truss up their
breeches. Yet the bright red which she hath on her lipsdoth far surpass
the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (Ipray my masters
give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rowsof teeth, so
orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut outof a white
turnip.  Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any oneshould feel
pain if though shouldst bite him therewith!  So, too, herneck is as white
as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of likecolour.  And
oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they beso slender, so
long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the worldlike a
gipsy&rsquo;s finers, ready the thurst into any man&rsquo;s pocketsand
there go a-fishing&rdquo;
   With that there arose such a laughter that none could hearme, nor I
talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mockedby
others so long as I would, and longer.

Edited by Catherine Huennekens

===========================================================================
*Proverbial: an allusion to a popular story. [Goodrick's note]
+ Lit. there are folk dwelling beyond the mountains too. [Goodrick's note]


===========================================================================
1. The Furies were the Roman goddesses of vengence, called the
"Eumenides" or "well-meaning goddesses" by the Greeks, who feared them
too much to ever mention their real names.  They punished only certain
crimes, including: disobedience to parents, disrespect to elders,
perjury, murder, and inhospitality.  They were the daughters of earth and
sky, and so, having preceeded the Olympians, were not subject to the rule
of Zeus.  Tisiphone was one of the three, known as the "blood avenger". 
"Eumenidies," Dictionary of Greekand Roman Biography and Mythology. ed.
William Smith. (New York:AMS Press, 1962). vol. 2.
2.  In Greek mythology, Athamas was King of Boeotia and son of Aiolus,
the King of the Winds.  Though already married with two sons, he fell in
love with Ino and had two sons by her.  When he went to the Oracle to
find if he should try to marry her, Ino, possessed by jealousy, bribed
the priestesses to tell Athamas to kill the sons from his previous
marriage. He did so and Hera, enranged, made him insane.  In his madness,
he killed one of Ino's sons and would have killed the other, but she
jumped into the ocean with him to save them both.  Zeus took pity over
them and turned them into sea gods. "Athamas," Dictionary of Greek and
Roman Biography and Mythology. ed.William Smith. (New York: AMS Press,
1962). vol. 1.
3. In the Odyssey, Circe, the daughter of the sun god, Helios, and Perse,
and oceanid, changed Odysseus's companions into animals into pigs, and
forced him to stay a year, at theend of which, she instructed him to seek
the seer Teiresias in the Underworld. "Circe," Dictionary of Greek and
Roman Biography and Mythology. ed. William Smith. (New York: AMS Press,
1962). vol. 1.  
4. Simonides was a poet who livedin the 5th and 4th century BC to the
astounding age of 87.  He is mostwell known for his epitaphs.  Metrodrus
was a Roman historian, a discipleof Epicurus, noteworthy today for being
one of the few Roman historians whodisagreed with Plato and criticized
his contemporaries.  Cambridge Ancient History, ed. Bury, Cook, et. al.
(Cambridge: Cambrudge University Press, 1970), vol 5, p. 209 and vol 8,
p. 455.
5.  In Greek mythology, the nymph Callisto was a follower of Artemis with
whom Zeus fell in love, and had a son.  When Hera found out, she turned
the nymph into a bear.  Her son, Arcas, was a hunter, and was bewitched
by Hera to shoot his mother; before he did, however, Zeus took both
mother and son and placed them ascontellations in the sky.  Zeus turned
himself into a bull when he descendedto Europa, a daughter of a Phoenix
with whom he had fallen in love. "Callisto"and "Europa," Dictionary of
Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology.ed. William Smith. (New York: AMS
Press, 1962). vol.1 and vol. 2.
6. Ulm, the town of Ulm-an-Donau, situated on the Danube some 45 miles
southeast of Stuttgart was chartered in 1027 and became an imperial city
in 1155.  In the middle ages, it had a thriving texile manufactory.  It
accepted Protestantism in 1530 and joined the Schmakaldic Leauge.  The
city began to decline during the 30 Years' War.  "Ulm" Encyclopedia of
Historic Places ed. Courtland Canby. (New York: Facts on File, 1984).

