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Chap. xiv.: HOW OLIVER EXPLAINED HERZBRUDER’S PROPHECY TO HIS OWN PROFIT, AND SO CAME TO LOVE HIS WORST ENEMY.
Our food was white bread and a cold leg of veal. And moreover we had a good sup of wine and a warm room. “Aha! Simplicissimus,” said Oliver, “’tis better here than in the trenches before Breisach.” “True,” said I, “if one could enjoy such a life with safety and a good conscience.” At that he laughed loud, and says he, “Yea, are the poor devils in the trenches safer than we, that must every moment expect a sally of the garrison? My good Simplicissimus, I do plainly see that, though thou hast cast aside they fool’s cap, thou hast kept they fool’s head, that cannot understand what is good and what is bad. And if thou wert any but that same Simplicissimus that after Herzbruder’s prophecy must avenge my death, I would make thee to confess that I do lead a nobler life than any baron.” With that I did think, “How will it go now? Thou must devise another manner of speech, or this barbarous creature with the help of his peasant may well make an end of thee.” So says I, “Who did ever hear at any time that the scholar should know more than the master? And so, brother, if thou hast so happy a life as thou doest pretend, give me a share in they good luck, for of good luck I have great need.”

To which Oliver answered, “Brother, be thou assured that I love thee as mine own self, and that the affront I put upon thee to-day doth pain me more than the bullet wherewith thou didst wound my forehead, when thou didst so defend thyself as would any proper man of courage. Therefore why should I deny thee anything? If it please thee, stay thou here with me: I will provide for thee as for myself. Of if thou hast no desire to stay with me, then will I give thee a good purse of money and go with thee whithersoever thou wilt. And that thou mayest believe that these words do come from my heart, I will tell thee the reason wherefore I do hold thee in such esteem: thou dost know how rightly Herzbruder did hit it off with his prophecies: and look you, that same did so prophesy to me when we lay before Magdeburg, saying, ‘Oliver, look upon our fool as thou wilt, yet will he astonish thee by his courage, and play thee the worst tricks thou hast ever known, for which thou shalt give him good cause at a time when ye know not one another. Yet will he not only spare thy life when it is in his hands, but after a long time he will come to the place where thou art to be slain: and there will he avenge thy death.’ And for the sake of this prophecy, my dear Simplicissimus am I ready to share with thee the very heart in my breast. For already is a part of that prophecy fulfilled, seeing that I gave thee good reason to shoot me in the head like a valiant soldier and to take my sword from me (which no other hath ever done) and to grant me my life, when I lay under thee and was choking in blood: and so I doubt not that the rest of the prophecy which concerns my life shall be fulfilled. And from this matter of the revenge I must conclude, brother, that thou art my true friend, for an thou wert not, thou wouldest not take upon thee to avenge me. And now thou hast the innermost thoughts of my heart: so now do thou tell me what thou art minded to do.” Upon that I thought, “The devil trust thee, for I do not: if I take money from thee for the journey I may well be the first whom thou slayest: and if I stay with thee I must expect some time to be hanged with thee.” So I determined I would befool him tarrying with him till I could find opportunity to be quit of him: and so I said if he would suffer me I would stay with him a day or a week to see if I could accustom myself to his manner of life: and if it pleased me he should find in me a true friend and a good soldier: and if it pleased me not, we could at any time part in peace. And on that he drank to my health, yet I trusted him not, and feigned to be drunken before I was so, to see if he would be at me when I could not defend myself.

Meanwhile the fleas did mightily plague me, whereof I had brought good store from Breisach: for when it grew warm they were no longer content to remain in my rags but walked abroad to take their pleasur. Of that Oliver was aware, and asked me had I lice? To which I answered, “Yea, indeed, and more than I can hope to have ducats in my life.” “Say not so,” said Oliver, “for if thou wilt abide with me thou canst earn more ducats than thou hast lice now.” I answered, “’Tis as impossible as that I can be quit of my lice.” “Yea,” says he, “but both are possible”: and with that he commanded the peasant to fetch me a suit that lay in a hollow tree near the house; which was a grey hat, a cape of elk-skin, a pair of scarlet breeches, and a grey coat: and shoes and stockings would he give me next day. So as I saw him so generous I trusted him somewhat better than before, and went to bed content.

Chap. xv.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS THOUGHT MORE PIOUSLY WHEN HE WENT A-PLUNDERING THAN DID OLIVER WHEN HE WENT TO CHURCH.
So the next morning, as day began to break, says Oliver, “Up, Simplicissimus; we will fare forth in God’s name to see what we can come by.” “Good Lord,” thought I, “must I then in thy holy name go a-thieving?” I that aforetime when I left my good hermit could not hear without marvelling when one man said to another, “come, brother we will in God’s name take off a cup of wine together”? for that I counted a double sin, that a man should be drunken, and drunken in God’s name. “My heavenly Father,” thought I, “how am I changed sin then! My faithful Lord, what will at last become of me if I turn not? Oh! check thou my course, that will assuredly bring me to hell if I repent not.”

So speaking and so thinking did I follow Oliver to a village wherein was no living creature : and there to have a better view we did go up into the church steeple: there he in hiding the shoes and stockings that he had promised me the night before, and moreover two loaves of bread, some pieces of dried meat, and a barrel half full of wine, which would have easily afforded him provision for a week. So while I was putting one what he gave me he told me here was the place where he was wont to wait when he hoped for good booty, to which end he had so well provisioned himself, and, in a word, told me he had several such places, provided with meat and drink, so that if he could not find a friend at home in one place he might catch him elsewhere. For this must I praise his prudence, yet gave him to understand that ‘twas not well so to misuse a place that was dedicated to God’s service. “What,” says he, “misuse? The churches themselves if they could speak would confess that what I do in them is naught in comparison with the sins that have aforetime been committed in them. How many a man and how many a woman, thinkst thou, have come into this church since it was built, on pretence of serving God, but truly only to shew their new clothes, their find figure, and all their bravery! Here cometh one into church like a peacock and putteth himself so before the altar as he would pray the very feet off the saints’ images! And there standeth another in a corner to sigh like the publican1 in the temple, which sighs be yet only for his mistress on whose face he feedeth his eyes, yea, for whose sake he is come thither. Another cometh to the church with a packet of papers like one that gatherereth contributions for a fire, yet more to put his debtors in mind than to pray: and an he had not known those debtors would be in the church he had sat at home over his ledgers. Yea, it doth happen often that when our masters will give notice of aught to a parish, it must be done of a Sunday in the Church for which reason many a farmer doth fear the church more than any poor sinner doth fear the judge and jury. And thinkest thou not there be many buried in churches that have deserved sword, gallows, fire, and wheel? Many a man could not have brought his lecherous intent to a good end had not the church helped him. Is a bargain to be driven or a loan to be granted, ‘tis done at the church door. Many a usurer there is that can spare no time in the week to reckon up his rogueries, that can sit in church of a Sunday and devise how to practice fresh villainies. Yea, here they sit during mass and sermon to argue and talk as if the Church were built for such purpose only: and there be matters talked of that in private houses none would speak about. Some do sit and snore as if they had hired the place to sleep in: and some do naught but gossip of others and do whisper, ‘How well did the pastor touch up this one or that one in his sermon!’ and others do give heed to the discourse but for this reason only! not to be bettered by it, but that they carp at and blame their minister if he do but stumble once at a word (as they understand the matter). And there will I say naught of the stories I have read of the amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than in many an armoury: so that ‘tis no wonder that in this war the peasants have fought for their own in churches as if ‘twere in fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me- to me, I say, as a soldier- to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a blood-bath in a church2 that 'twas more like to a slaughter-house than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do God’s service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a fee be buried in the Church to bear witness of his own pride and his friends’ pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be buried in a corner without? ‘Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile I have thou patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind.”

Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had had the jester’s clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg. Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this manner to tell me of his wicked life.

Chap. xvi: OF OLIVER’S DESCENT, AND HOW HE BEHAVED IN HIS YOUTH, AND SPECIALLY AT SCHOOL.
“My father,” said Oliver, was born not far from Aachen3 town of poor parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon and set him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph.4 And that was well for both parties, for the merchant’s wealth grew more and more through my father’s zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden’s garland again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed, not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in especial could well wield the Jew’s Spear.5 And so by this marriage was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for his wealth’s sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine than silver and gold.

“So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get beat, my foolish parents would say, ‘How now? Is a great fellow like that to beat a mere child?’ But if I won (for I would scratch and bite and throw stones), then said they, ‘Our little Oliver will turn out a fine fellow.’ And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, ‘twas said I knew not what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet dare not practice. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would buy me others lest my miserly father should be wroth. My schoolmaster did I plague most for he might not deal with me hardly, receiving many presents from my parents, whose foolish love to me was well known to him. In summer would I catch crickets and bring them secretly into the schoolroom, where they did play a merry tune. In winter would I steal snuff and scatter it in that place where ‘tis the custom to whip the boys. And so if any stiff-necked scholar should struggle my powder would fly about and cause an agreeable pastime: for then must all sneeze together.

“So now I deemed myself too great a man for small roguery, but all my striving was for higher things. Often would I steal from one and put what I had stolen in another’s pouch to earn him stripes, and with these tricks was I so sly that I was scarce ever caught. And of the wars we waged (wherein I was commonly colonel) and the blows I received- for I had ever a scratched face and a head full of bruises- I need not speak: for every man doth know how boys do behave: and so from what I have said canst thou easily guess how in other respects I spent my youth.”

Chap. xvii.: HOW HE STUDIED AT LIEGE, AND HOW HE THERE DEMEANED HIMSELF.
“Now the more my father’s riches increased the more flatterers and parasites he had round him, all which did praise my fine capacities for study, but said no word of all my other faults or at least would excuse them, seeing well that any that did not so could never stand well with my father and mother. And so had they more pleasure in their son than ever had a tomtit that has reared a young cuckoo. So they hired for me a special tutor, and sent me with him to Liege, more to learn foreign tongues than to study: for I was to be no theologian, but a trader. He, moreover, had his orders not to be hard with me, lest that should breed in me a fearful and servile spirit. He was to allow me freely to consort with the students, lest I might become shamefaced, and must remember that ‘twas to make, not a monk, but a man of the world of me, one that should know the difference between black and white.

“But my said tutor needed no such instruction, being of himself given to all manner of knaveries. And how could he forbid me such or rebuke me for my little faults when he committed greater? To wine and women we he by nature inclined, but I to wrestling and fighting: so did I prowl about the streets at night with him and his likes and learned of him in brief space more lechery than Latin. But as to my studies, therein I could rely on a good memory and a keen wit, and was therefore the more careless, but for the rest I was sunk in all manner of vice, roguery, and wantonness: and already was my conscience so wide that one could have driven a wagon and horses through it. I heeded nothing if I could but read Berni or Burchiello or Aretine during the sermon in church: nor did I hear any part of the service with greater joy than when ‘twas said ‘Ite missa est.’6

“All which time I thought no little of myself but carried me right foppishly: every day was for me a feast-day, and because I behaved myself as a man of estate, and spent not only the great sums that my father sent me for my needs, but also my mother’s plentiful pocket-money, therefore the women began to pay us court, but specially to my tutor. From these baggages I learned to wench and to game: how to quarrel, to wrestly, and to fight I knew well before, and my tutor in no wise forbade my debaucheries, since he himself was glad to take part in them. So for a year and half did this monstrous fine life endure, till my father did hear of it from one that was his factor in Liege, with whom indeed we had at first lodged: this man received orders to keep a sharper eye upon us, to dismiss my tutor at once, to shorten my tether, and to examine into my expense more carefully. Which vexed us both mightily: and though he, my tutor, had now his conge, yet did we hold together, one way or another, both by day and night: yet since we could no longer spend money as before, we did join ourselves to a rogue that robbed folks of their cloaks at night; yea, or did drown them in the Meuse7: and what we in this fashion earned with desperate peril of our lives, that we squandered with our whores, and let all studies go their way.

“So night as we, after our custom, were prowling by night, to plunder students of their cloaks, we were overcome, my tutor run through the body, and I, with five others that were right rascals, caught and laid by the heels: and next day we being examined and I naming my father’s factor, that was a man much respected, the same was sent for, questioned concerning me, and I on his surety set free, yet so that I must remain in his house in arrest till further order taken. Meanwhile was my tutor buried, the other five punished as rogues, robbers and murderers, and my father informed of my case: upon which he came himself with all haste to Liege, settle my business with money, preached me a sharp sermon, and shewed me what trouble and unhappiness I had caused him, yea, and told me it seemed as my mother would go desperate by reason of my ill conduct: and further threatened me, in case I did not behave better, he would disinherit me and send me packing to the devil. So I promised amendment and rode home with him: and so ended my studies.”

Edited by Josh Moger

1 Publican: The tax-gatherers of the New Testament biblical era were also known as publicans. The word was often used as a means of labeling the actions of an impious or religiously heretical person. In a passage of Luke, a parable is told of the difference between the seemingly pious Pharisee and the Publican. The Pharisee, who draws attention to himself and his good actions, is shown to be less righteous than the quiet and repentant Publican. The New Oxford Annotated Bible (Oxford: University Press, 2001), Luke 18.9-17.
2 [bloodbath in the church: In 1063 the retainers of the Bishop of Hildesheim and the Abbot of Fulda fought in church at Goslar, and much bloodshed ensued. Note by Goodrick]
3 Aachen: Aachen, as it is called in German though it is also known by the French name of Aix-la-Chapelle, was the focal point for a synthesis of two cultures, Germanic and Latin, during the reigns of Charlemagne and his son Louis the Pious. It served as the meeting place for the men who would construct a Western European civilization following the collapse of Rome and “the migrations of the barbaric Germans.” Richard E. Sullivan Aix-la-Chapelle: In the Age of Charlemagne (Norman, Oklahoma: University of Oklahoma Press, 1963), pp. 5-7.
4 ‘did Potiphar Joseph’: Potiphar was an Egyptian officer, a captain of the guard, of the Pharaoh. He purchased from the Ishmaelites the son of Jacob, Joseph, who had been sold into slavery by his brothers. Potiphar brought Joseph to his household in Egypt and set him as an overseer. From that point onwards, Potiphar’s household grew prosperous and Joseph became a successful man. Joseph rose to be put in charge of Potiphar’s entire estate and Potiphar, in turn, lived off of Joseph’s blessing and success. Eventually, however, Potiphar’s wife tries and fails to seduce Joseph. When he refuses, she tells Potiphar that Joseph attempted to rape her and Joseph is jailed for two years. The New Oxford Annotated Bible (Oxford: University Press, 2001), Genesis 39.1-20.
5 [Jews’ Spear: Act as a usurer or cheat. Note by Goodrick]
6 ‘Ite missa est’: When the post-communion prayer is over in the Catholic mass, the deacon looks to the pontiff. If given a sign, the deacon then says to the people “Ite missa est,” to which is answered by the congregation: “Deo gratias.” This is a formula of old dismissal and indeed is “undoubtedly one of the most ancient Roman formulae, as may be seen from its archaic and difficult form.” Catholic Encyclopedia (New York: The Encyclopedia Press, Inc.) vol. viii, p. 253.
7 Meuse: This river is believed to have inspired Shakespeare’s As You Like It due to the ‘wooded hills of the Ardennes’ extending close to the Meuse. It is also the subject of Woodsworth’s ‘Scenery between Namur and Liege.’ Much earlier in 1695, the Dutch king of England, William of Orange, using “British and Dutch troops… succeeded in regaining the city of Namur after it had fallen to Louis XIV." Cecilia Powell Turner’s Rivers of Europe (London: Tate Gallery Publications, 1991), pp. 13-14.