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Chap. v.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RODE COURIER AND IN THE LIKENESS OF MERCURY LEARNED FROM JOVE WHAT HIS DESIGN WAS AS REGARDS WAR AND PEACE

So as soon Herzbruder could ride we dispatched our money (for now we had but one purse in common) by way of banker’s draft to Basel, equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and made our way up to the Danube to Ulm and thence to the Spa before mentioned, for now ‘twas May and pleasant traveling. There did we hire a lodging: but I rid to Strassburg, not only to receive in part our money which we had conveyed thither by way of Basel, but also to inquire for the medicos of experience that should prescribe for Herzbruder recipes and the manner of his taking the baths. These came to me, and were of opinion and Herzbruder had indeed been poisoned, yet was the poison not strong enough to kill him offhand, and therefore it had made its way into his limbs, and sweating-baths, which cure would last some eight weeks or so. At that Herzbruder remembered at once when and by whom that poison had been given him; namely, by them that would have had his place in the army: and when he further learned from the physicians that his cure needed no spa, then was assured the field-surgeon had by his enemies been bribed to send him so far away: yet did he resolve to complete cure there at the spa, for ‘twas not only a healthy air but also there was cheerful company among the bathing guests.

This time would I not waste: for I had a desire to see my wife once more: and since Herzbruder needed me not greatly, I did open to him my project, which he did praise and advised me I should visit her, giving me also certain trinkets of price which I should on his behalf present to her, and therewith beg her pardon for that he had been the cause of why I had not before sought her out. With that I rode to Strassburg, and not only provided myself with moneys but inquired also how I might prosecute my journey in the safest way: whereupon I found ‘twas not to be accomplished by a horseman riding alone; for the roads were made unsafe by the parties sent out from so many garrisons of the two contending armies. So I got me a pass for a post-rider of Strassburg, and drew up certain letters to my wife, her sisters, and her parents, as I would send him with them to Lippstadt1 : yet feigned to be of a different mind, took back the pass from the messenger, sent back my horse and servant, and disguised myself in a red and white livery: in that I journeyed by ship to Cologne, which was at that time neutral between the two parties.

And first I must go to visit my Jupiter, that had aforetime appointed me his Ganymede2, to ask how it fared with the property I had left there: but him I found quite brain-sick again and full of anger against the human race. “O Mercury,” says he, as soon as he saw me, “what news from Munster? Do men conceive they can make peace without my good will? Nay, never! They did have peace. Why kept they it not? Was not vice everywhere triumphant when they provoked my to send them war? And how have they deserved that I should give them peace again? Have they since been converted? Are they not become worse, and do they not run into war as to a festival? Or have they perchance repented them by reason of the famine that I sent among them, whereof so many thousands died of hunger? Or hath the grievous pestilence terrified them to better their ways, whereby so many millions were cut off? Nay, nay, Mercurius, they that remain, that did see these dreadful sufferings with their own eyes, have not only not repented, but be grown worse than ever they were. And if they have not been turned by so many sore plagues, nor have ceased to live in godless wise in the midst of such trial and tribulation, what will they do if I should grant them again the delights of golden peace? Then must I fear lest as once did the giants, so they now should try to storm my heaven. But such overweening I will check in good time and leave them to perish in their war.” But I knowing how one must go about with this god if one would make him hear reason, “Oh, great god,” says I, “all the world doth sigh for peace and promise great amendment: why with though then continue to refuse them such?” “Yeah,” answered Jupiter, “doubtless they sigh: yet not for my sake but their own: not that each may praise God under his own vine and fig-tree, but that they may enjoy the fruit thereof in peace and delight. Of late I asked of a scurvy tailor, should I give him peace? He gave me answer, ‘twas the same to him, that must ply his needle as well in peace as in war: and the like answer I got from a brazier, which said if he could get no bells to found in peace time, yet in time of war he had enough to do with cannon and mortars. So likewise, a smith replied to me and said, ‘Though I have no ploughs and hay-carts to mend in war-time, yet have I so many war-horses and army wagons to deal with that I can well afford to do without peace.’ Lookye then, dear Mercurius, why should I grant them peace? True there be some that do desire it, yet only as I say, for their belly’s sake and their pleasure: contrariwise there be others that will still have war, not because ‘tis my will, but because ‘tis for their profit. And just as the masons and carpenters desire peace, to earn money by the building again of ruined houses, so others that be not sure of earning a living by their handicraft in time of peace do hope for the continuing of war, wherein they can steal.”

Now when I found my Jupiter so to go about with these matters, I could well conceive that he, with so confused a mind, could give me little account of mine own, and so I made not by business known to him, but took the bull by the horns, and away by by-paths well known to me, to Lippstadt, where I inquired for my father-in-law as I were a messenger from foreign parts, and learned at once that he, with his wise, had quitted this world six months before, and secondly, that my dear wife, having been delivered of a manchild, that was now with her sister, had in like manner straightway, after her lying-in, quitted this mortal scene. Upon that I delivered to my brother-in-law the writings which I had before addressed to my father-in-law, to my wife, and to him, my wife’s brother. Who would have entertained me himself, to learn from me, as from a messenger, how it fared with Simplicissimus and of what rank he was now. In the end mine own sister-in-law did at length converse with me, I telling of myself all the good I know; for my pock-pitted face had so marred and changed me that no man could know me more, save Herr von Schönstein: and he, as my true friend, did hold his tongue. But I telling her at length how Herr Simplicissimus had many fine horses and servants and rode abroad in a black-velvet coat all trimmed with gold, “Yea,” said she, “I did ever believe he was of no such low descent as he gave himself out to be; the commandment of this place did ever persuade my late parents, with great assurances, that they had made a good match with him for my sister, which had ever been a virtuous maiden: yet of all that I myself could never look for a good ending. Nevertheless did he content himself and resolve to take upon him either Swedish or Hessian service in the garrison here: and to that end would he fetch hither his goods that he had left at Cologne: which turned out ill, and he himself was by clean roguery spirited away into France, leaving my sister, that had had him to husband but for four weeks, yea, and a half-dozen of citizens’ daughters likewise with child by him’ all which one after another, and my sister last of all, were brought to bed of boys. So since my father and mother were dead, and I and my husband without hope of children, we did adopt my sister’s child to be the heir of all our property, and with the help of the commandant here did get possession of his father’s money and Cologne’ which same might be reckoned at three thousand gulden; and so the young lad when he shall come of age shall have to cause to count himself among the paupers. Yea, I and my husband do love the child so much that we would not yield him up to his own father though he came in person to fetch him away: moreover, he is the comeliest of all his half-brothers, and so like to his father as he had been cut out on his very pattern: and I know if my brother-in-law did but hear what a fair son he hath he would not delay to come hither were it but to see the little sweetheart.

The like talk my sister-in-law held, by which I might well perceive her love to my child, which now ran about in his breeches and rejoiced mine heart: and with that I brought out the trinkets that Herzbruder had given me to present on his behalf to my wife: which, said I, Master Simplicissimus had given me to deliver to his wife for a salutation: who being dead, I accounted it fair to leave the same for his child: all which my brother-in-law and his wife received with joy, and were convinced thereby that I had no want of means, but must indeed be a fellow of a different sort from that which they had fancied me to be. So now I pressed for leave to be gone, and having obtained such, I begged in the name of Simplicissimus to kiss Simplicissimus the younger, that I might tell the same to his father for a token. And this being done with the goodwill of my sister-in-law, my nose and the child’s began at once and together to bleed, till I thought my heart would break: yet did I hide my feelings, and that none might have time to mark the cause of this sympathy, I took myself off at once, and after fourteen days of much trouble and danger came again to the spa in beggar’s garb: for on the way I had been plundered and stripped.

Chap. vi.: A STORY OF A TRICK THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS PLAYED AT THE SPA

So being returned, I found Herzbruder rather worse than better, though the doctors and apothecaries had plucked him cleaner than any pigeon: nay, more: he seemed to me now to be childish, nor could he walk straight. I did hearten him up as best I could, but his was an ill plight; himself perceiving well by his loss of strength that he could not last long; and his chief comfort was this, that I should be by his side when he should close his eyes. Contrariwise I was merry, and sought my pleasure where I thought to find it though in such wise that Herzbruder lacked none of my care. Yet because I knew myself now for a widower, the fine weather and my young blood enticed me to wantonness, whereunto I did fully give myself over; for the fear that had possessed me at Einsiedeln3 I had now quite forgot. Now there was at the spa a fair lady* that gave herself out to be a person of quality, yet was to my thinking more “mobilis” than “nobilis”: to this man-trap did I pay my constant court as to one that seemed a bona ropa, and in brief space of time did obtain not only free entry to her but also all such favours as I could desire. Yet had I from the first a disgust at her lightness, and so did devise how I might in all courtesy be rid of her: for methought she had her eye more on my purse than on me for a bridegroom: yea, and did persecute me with hot and wanton glances and the like tokens of her burning love wheresoever I might be, till I must be shamed both for her sake and mine own.

At that time there was at the baths a rich Switzer of quality: from whom was stolen not only his money, but his wife’s jewelry, which was of gold, silver, pearls, and precious stones. And since 'tis as grievous to lose such things as ‘tis hard to get them, therefore the said Switzer would move heaven and earth to come by them again, and did even send for the famous devil-driver of the Goatskin,* which did so plague the thief by his charms that he must needs restore the stolen goods to their proper place: for which the wizard earned ten rix-dollars4.

With this enchanter I had fain conversed: but, as I then conceived, it could not be, without lessening of my dignity (for at that time I thought no small beer of myself). So I did engage my servant to be drunk with him that same night (having learned he was a toper of first quality) to see if by such means I could have his acquaintance: for so many strange things were told to me of him that I could not believe till I had heard them from himself. To that end did I disguise myself as a strolling quack, and sat down by him at table to see if he could guess or the devil could tell him who I was: yet could I mark no such knowledge in him, but he would drink and drink, taking me for that which my raiment proclaimed me, yea, and drank some few glasses to my health, yet shewed more respect to my knave than to me. For to him he told in all confidence that if he that had robbed the Switzer had thrown but the smallest part thereof into running water and so shared the booty with the devil, it had been impossible either to name the thief or to get back the goods.

To all these silly conceits I listened, and wondered how the father of deceits and lies can by so small a thing bring men into his clutches. I could easily conceive that this was a clause in our enchanter’s indenture with the devil, and perceive how such a trick could not help the thief if only another exorcist were fetched in to detect the theft, in whose compact this condition was not to be found: and so charged my knave, that could steal better than any gipsy, to make the man drunk and then steal his ten rix-dollars, and presently thereafter to cast a couple of batzen5 into the river Rench. This he did with all diligence and when the witch-doctor next morning missed his money, he betook himself to a thicket by the back of the Rench, doubtless to confer with his familiar spirit: by whom he was so ill-handled that he came off with a face all bruised and scratched: whereat I felt such pity for the poor old rogue that I gave him back his money and sent him a message that, since he now could see what a traitorous, evil spirit the devil was, he might renounce his service and company, and turn to God again: which warning brought me but little profit, for presently my two fair horses sickened and died by witchcraft; and what else could I expect? For I lived like Epicurious in his stye and never did commend my good to God’s care: why, therefore, should the wizard not be able to revenge himself on me?

Chap. vii.: HOW HERZBRUDER DIED AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AGAIN FELL TO WANTON COURSES

With the spa I was the more pleased the longer I stayed, for not only did the guests increase daily, but the place and the manner of life also delighted me hugely. I joined acquaintance with the merriest that resorted thither and did begin to learn courtesy and compliment, wherewith I had till then troubled myself but little: and so was counted as of the nobility, my people calling me ever “noble captain”; for no mere soldier of fortune did ever gain so high a post at that age at which I still was. So with these rich fops I made, and they with me, not acquaintance only but sworn friendship; and pastime, play, eating, and drinking were all my work and care, which robbed me of many a fair ducat6 without my much perceiving or marking of it: for my purse was yet fairly heavy with Oliver’s legacy.

Meanwhile things went from bad to worse with Herzbruder, till at last he must pay the debt of nature, all doctors and physicians now deserting him on whom they had fattened so long. So he confirmed once more his last will and testament and made me heir of all he had to receive from his late father’s property. And in return I gave him a noble funeral and sent his servants on their way with mourning and money withal.

Yet his disease heartily vexed me, and especially because he had been poisoned: and though I could not change that, yet it changed me: for now I eschewed all company and sought only for solitude to give a hearing to my sad thoughts: to which end I would hide myself in some thicket and there would muse, not only upon what a friend I had lost, but also how I should never in my life find such another one. At times I would lay all manner of plans for my future life and yet could resolve on none: now I thought I would to the wars again: and then bethought me how even the poorest peasant in this land was better off than any colonel: for into those mountains came never a foraging party. Yea, I could well fancy what an army would find to do there in ravaging of the country, seeing that all the farmhouses were well kept, as if in peace-time, and all the stalls full of cattle, while in many a village of Germany in the plains neither dog nor cat could be found. So as I delighted myself with hearing of the sweet song of birds, and did fancifully conceive how the nightingale should by her dulcet song silence all other birds and force them to listen either from shame or to steal somewhat of her pleasant strains, there came to the opposite bank of the stream a beauty, that did move me more, because she wore but the habit of a peasant girl, than could any fine demoiselle have done; which took a basket from her head wherein she had a pack of fresh butter, to sell at the spa: this did she cool in the water that it might not melt by reason of the great heat, and meanwhile, sitting down upon the grass, did throw aside her kerchief and her peasant hat and wipe the sweat from her face, so that I could exactly observe her and feed my curious eyes upon her: and truly methought I had never seen a fairer form in my life: for the mould of her figure seemed perfect and without blemish, her arms and hands white as snow, her face fresh and sweet, but her black eyes full of fire and amorous looks. So as she was packing of her butter up again I cried across to her, “Ah, maiden, ‘tis true ye have cooled your butter in the water with your fair hands, yet with your bright eyes have ye set my heart afire.” But she no sooner saw and heard me but away she ran as if she were pursued, without answering me a word, and so left me possessed with all the follies wherewith fantastic lovers are wont to be tormented.

But my desire to be further illumined by this sun left me not in peace in the solitude I had chosen, but caused me to care no more for the song of the nightingale than for the howl of a wolf: therefore I made my way to the spa, and did send my page in front to accost the pretty butter-seller and to the bargain with her till I should come: so he did his best, and I, when I came, did mine also: but found a heart of stone, and such coldness as I had never thought to find in any peasant-girl, which made me yet more in love, especially since I, that had been much a scholar in such schools, might well judge by such a carriage she would not easily be befooled.

And now should I have had either a great enemy of a great friend: either an enemy to think of and devise evil against, and as to forget my fool’s love, or a friend that should give me other counsel and warn me from the folly I proposed. But alas! I had naught but my money, which did but dazzle me, and my blind desires which led me astray, I giving them the rein, and mine own impudence, that ruined me and brought me to disaster. Fool that I was, I should have judged by our clothes, as by an evil omen, that her love would work me woe. For I having lost Herzbruder and the girl her parents, we were both dressed in morning clothes when we first met: and so what joy could our love portend? In a word, I was properly caught in a fool’s snare, and therefore as blind and without reason as the boy Cupid himself: and because I had no hope otherwise to satisfy my bestial desire, I did determine to marry her.

“For how!” thought I, “thou beest by descent but a peasant’s brat and wilt never in thy life keep thy castle: and this fair champaign is a noble land, that throughout this grisly war hath, in comparison with other parts, maintained itself in peace and prosperity: besides, thou hast gold enough to buy thee even the best farm in this countryside: and now shalt thou marry with this honest peasant-girl and get thee a lord’s reputation among the country folk. And where couldst find a cheerfuller dwelling place than near the spa, where thou canst, by reason of the coming and going of the guests, see a new world every six weeks, and so conceive how the great world doth change from one age to another?”

Such and a thousand like plans I made, till at length I sought my sweetheart in marriage and (yet not without pains) did obtain her consent.

edited by John Lupton

1 A city in Westphalia, along the Lippe river, on the slopes of the Teutoburger Wald. The town split, and half was passed to the county of Mark, which was acquired by Brandenburg in 1614. It was not to be reunited under one lord again until 1850. “Lippstadt,” Encyclopaedia Britannica Online <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=49607&sctn=1> [Accessed 13 February 2002].

2 From Greek mythology, Ganymede was the unusually beautiful son of the Trojan kind Laomedon. Because of his beauty, he was carried away by the gods to be a cupbearer. In astronomy, Ganymede is the seventh of the Jupiter’s sixteen moons, and is larger than the planet Mercury. “Ganymede,” New Larousse Encyclopedia of Mythology (New York: Prometheus Press, 1968) p. 137-8; “Ganymede,” Columbia Electronic Encyclopedia <http://www.encyclopedia.com/articles/04907.html> [Accessed 14 February 2002].

3 Pronounced inzdln, Einsiedeln is a town in East-central Switzerland. It is the most renowned pilgrimage in Switzerland, and one of the most famous in Europe. Its Benedictine Abbey is the town’s central focus, which dates back to the 10th century, and was supposedly built on the site of the hermit and martyr Meinrad's cell. “Einsiedeln,” Columbia Electronic Encyclopedia <http://www.encyclopedia.com/articles/14886.html> [Accessed 14 February 2002]; “History (English trans.),” <http://www.kloster-einsiedeln.ch/webseite/english/abbey/e_geschichte.htm> [Accessed 13 February 2002]; "Einsiedeln," Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica Inc., 1997) vol. 4, p. 403.

4 "Rix-dollar" is the english translation of the Dutch Rijksdaalder. These silver coins were minted independently in various cities and provinces in the Netherlands, and were valued at two and a half guilders. The obverse typically displayed a half-portrait of a ruler with his sword drawn, while the reverse displayed a heraldic shield. Versions of these coins were also minted German and Scandinavian cities, and were known as “Rix dollars of the Empire.” “The Rix Dollar and Silver Rider,” <http://www.coins.nd.edu/ColCoin/ColCoinIntros/Rix-Dollar.intro.html> [Accessed 14 February 2002]; Williams, Jonathan, ed. Money: A History (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1997) p. 105, 175; Junge, Ewald. World Coin Encyclopedia (New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1984) p. 216.

5 A batzen was a coin circulated in Switzerland and Southern Germany from the 15th through 17th centuries. The name is derived from Batz, Bätz, or Petz, which translates to “bear.” A bear appeared on the shield of the city of Bern, and was pictured on the first batzen. In the Holy Roman Empire, Batzen were typically worth four pennies; in Switzerland, ten rappen. “What’s the meaning of this? (English trans.),” <http://www.moneymuseum.com/standard_english/raeume/geld_machen/bank/geschichte/namen/etymologisches/etymologisches_unten.html> [Accessed 13 February 2002]. "Batzen," Standard Catalog of World Coins (Iola, WI: Krause Publications, 1985) Vol. II, p. 2104-2141; Kindleberger, Charles P. "The Economic Crisis of 1619 to 1623," The Journal of Economic History. Vol. 51, No. 1 (March 1991) p. 149.

6 Any of a variety of coins, usually gold, formerly used in certain European countries. Ducats were typically used in international trade, rather than for everyday use. The influence of the Ducat extended into the Muslim world as well. They are still issued in the Netherlands today, and have recently become the first coins to be continually issued for seven centuries, although their chief value today is of historical sentiment. “Ducat,” Miriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (Springfield, MA: Mirriam-Webster, Inc., 2000) 10th ed. p.356; “Netherlands Ducats,” Professional Numismatists Guild <http://www.pngdealers.com/coin/coin-1100.htm> [Accessed 13 February 2002], Williams, Jonathan, ed. Money: A History (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1997) p. 80-1, 105.

* This was “Courage,” the heroine of some of Grimmelshausen’s later romances. [Goodrick’s Note]

*Unknown [Goodrick’s Note]