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Chap. xvii. :  HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES

        During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the
woods different country-folk, who at all times fled from me.  I know not
if the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and
were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the
highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had with
me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was of a
truth prowling about in that part.  But for this reason I must needs fear
lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the uttermost
misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, to which I
was no longer accustomed.  As I pondered on this I heard two men cutting
of wood, which rejoiced me mightily.  So I followed the sound of the
blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a handful of ducats out
of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed them the alluring gold
and cried, “My masters, if ye will but wait for me I will give you this
handful of gold.”  But as soon as they saw me and my gold, at once they
took to their heels, and left their mallets and wedges together with
their bag of bread and cheese; with this I filled my knapsack, and so
betook myself back to the wood, doubting if in my life I should ever come
to the company of men again.  So after long pondering thereupon, I
thought, “Who knoweth what may chance to thee?  Thou hast money, and if
thou comest in safety with it to honest folk, thou canst live on it a
long while.”  So it came into my head to sew it up; and to that end I
made, out of my asses’ ears which made the folk so fly from me, two
armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with those of the banditti, I
packed all together into these armlets and bound them on mine arms above
the elbow.  And now, as I had thus secured my treasure, I attacked the
farms again, and got from them what I needed and what I could snap up. 
And though I was but simple, yet I was sly enough never to come a second
time to a place where I had stolen anything; and therefore was I very
lucky in my thefts and was never caught pilfering.

        It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store
but my customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a
farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that
there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I
wisely stayed away) ; so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the
yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and
stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed. 
But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that
led to the living room; thither I crept to see if the folks would not
soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put on
their clothes, and in place of light there stood a sulphurous blue flame
on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms,
pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window one
after another.  At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great terror; yet
as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in my whole life
having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not much of this, and
that chiefly because ‘twas all done in such stillness; but when all were
gone I betook myself also to the living-room, and devising what I could
take with me and where to fine it, in such meditation sat me down
straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon I had hardly sat down when I and the
bench together flew straight out of the window, and left my gun and
knapsack, which I had laid aside, as pay for that magical ointment.  Now
my sitting down, my departure, and my descent were all in one moment, for
I came, methought, in a trice to a great crowd of people; but it may be
that from fear I took no count how long I took for this journey.  These
folk were dancing of a wondrous dance, the like of which I never saw in
my life, for they had taken hands and formed many rings within one
another, with their backs turned to each other like the pictures of the
Three Graces1 , so that all faced outwards.  The inmost ring was of some
seven or eight persons; the second of as many again: the third contained
more than the first two put together, and so on, so that in the outermost
ring there were over two hundred persons; and because one ring danced
towards the right and the next towards the left, I could not see how many
rings they formed, nor what was in the midst around which they danced. 
Yet all looked monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out
so comically.  My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels
which stood outside the rings all around the dancers, of which minstrels
some had, instead of flutes, clarinets, and shawms, nothing but adders,
vipers and blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats
into whose breech they blew and fingered on the tail, which sounded like
to bagpipes: others fiddled on horses’ skulls as on the finest violins,
and others played the harp upon a cow’s skeleton such as lie in the
slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his
arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout
all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded
therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew
began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl to rant, to ramp, and to roar
as they were all mad and lunatic.  And now can any man think into what
terror and fear I fell.

        In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a
monstrous toad, full as big as a kettle-drum, whose guts were dragged out
through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so filthy
that I was fit to vomit at it.  “Lookye, Simplicissimus,” says he, “I
know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from thee.”  But I
was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) that I fell flat:
and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay in an evil dream, and
earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awaken from it.  Now the fellow
with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went on thrusting his nose
out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it hit me on the breast, so
that I was near choked.   Then in a wink ‘twas all pitch-dark, and I so
dismayed at the heart that I fell on the ground and crossed myself a good
hundred times or more.

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1Three Graces, were minor goddesses of classical mythology, the
personifications of beauty, charm, and grace.  They were named Aglaea
(splendour), Euphrosyne (gaiety), and thalia (festivity).  The daughters
of Zeus and Erynome, they are often seen in the company of Aphrodite and
Cupid as creators of love.  “Graces,” Cassell Dictionary of Classical
Mythology (UK: Cassell, 1998), p. 173.

Chap. Xviii.: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS’ CHARGE
THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW

         Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among
them, that believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less
that they can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure
there will be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the
long bow.  With such I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer
an art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I
could practice this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest
fool.  But they that deny the witches’ gallop to be true, let them but
think of Simon the Magician2 , which was by the evil spirit raised aloft
into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. 
Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man,
who in the Duchy of Lorraine3  caused to be burned a good many more that
a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother
(which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with
her to their assembly, that he might play to them as the danced—for he
had learned to play the fife.  That to that end he mounted on a tree,
piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe
because he marveled so at it all).  But at last, “God help us;” says he,
“whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?”  And hardly had he said
that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, and
called for help.  But there was nobody there but himself.

         When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a
little after Catherine Prevost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been
at the dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that she
knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered.  Majolus tells us of a
servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an adulterer
that took his paramour’s ointment boxes and smeared himself with the
same, and so both came to witches’ Sabbath.  So likewise they tell of a
farm servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but because he had
taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, the waggon rose into the air
and must be dragged down again.  Olaus Magnus tells us of Hading, King of
Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by rebels, journeyed far
over the sea through the air on the Spirit of Odin4 , which had turned
himself to the shape of a horse.  So do we know well enough, and too
well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia5  will fetch their paramours to
them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a great distance.  And
what Torquemada in his Haxameron relateth of his schoolfellow may in his
own words be read.  So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh of a nobleman which,
when he marked that his wife anointed herself and thereafter flew out of
the house, did once on a time compel her to take him with her to the
sorcerers’ assembly.  And when they feasted there, and there was no salt,
he demanded such, and having with great pains gotten it, did cry, “God be
praised, here cometh the salt!”  Whereupon the lights went out and all
vanished.  So when now ‘twas day he understood from the shepherds in that
place that he was near to the town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naple,
and therefore full five hundred miles from home.  And therefore, though
he was rich, must beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his
wife for a witch before the magistrate, and she was burned.  How Doctor
Faust, too, and others, which were no enchanters, could journey through
the air from one place to another is from his history sufficiently known.
 So I myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing,
but the maid’s father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her
mistress’s shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it by
to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which
story, nevertheless, was hushed up.

         All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may
believe that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their
proper bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man
to believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me
‘tis all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not
believe may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the
lands of Fulda or Hirschfeld ( for I know not myself whither I had
wandered in the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in
so brief a space of time.

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2 Simon the Magician, known as Simon Magus is a subject of an episode in
the first evangelization of Samaria.  He is usually depicted as one who
claims divine honors and sets up a rival religion to Christianity.  There
is an account of him in Acts, but the episode mentioned here is found in
Arnobius, where Simon attempted to fly and at the name of Christ
mentioned by Peter falls to his death. “Simon Magus,” Encyclopedia of
Religion and Ethics ( Edinburgh: T&T Clark, 1926), vol. 2, p514-515, 523.
3Alsace-Lorraine is a region in northeast France on the French-German
boarder.  It has long been very prized in wars between France and
Germany.  It was under German control until the mid 1500’s and then back
and forth until both went to France after the world wars. 
“Alsace-Lorraine,” World Book Encyclopedia (Chicago: World Book, Inc,
1999), vol. 1, p. 387.
4Odin was the most important of the Norse gods.  He governs everything
and is the father of all gods.  He is also credited with the creation of
the first human beings.  Associated for his quest for wisdom and
knowledge, he is often found engaged in a battle of wits.  “Odin,”
Cassell Dictionary of Norse Myth and Legend (UK: Cassell, 1997),
p.122-124.
5Bohemia is a region in the western part of the Czech Republic, whose
capital is Prague.  The revolt that started the Thirty Years War began
here.  There was huge conflict between the Protestant Bohemians and their
Catholic rulers, which led to the Defenestration of Prague, when the
Protestant rebels threw two of the Emperor’s officials out a window. 
“Bohemia” and “Thirty Years War,” World Book Encyclopedia (Chicago: World
Book Inc, 1999), vol. 2, p. 432-38 and vol. 19, p. 260.

Chap. xix. : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A FOOL
BEFORE

         So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the
reader that I lay on my belly till ‘twas at least broad daylight; as not
having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things I
have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great terror,
yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in no worse
place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most of my time
since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty well
accustomed thereto.  Now it was about nine o’clock when there came
foragers, which woke me up.  And now for the first time I perceived I was
in the open field.  So they had me with them to certain windmills, and
when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before Magdeburg,
where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, who asked me
what was my story and what manner of master I had served.  So I told him
all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the Croats, I did but
describe their clothing and gave examples of their speech, and told how I
escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I nought, and what I told of my
journey through the air and of the witches’ dance, that they all held to
be imagination and folly, and that especially because in the rest of my
discourse I seemed to talk wildly.  Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered
round me (for one fool makes a thousand), and among them was one that the
year before had been made prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service,
yet afterwards had come back to the Emperor’s army: who, knowing me
again, said at once, “Hoho! ‘tis the commandant’s calf of Hanau.”

        Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew
no more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been
captured outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes’
regiment, and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at
losing me; for I was a right clever fool.  So then the colonel’s wife
sent to another colonel’s wife that could play well upon the lute, and
therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it:
which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should
play.  But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty
stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had.  So this
was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of Zerbst
beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and with the
lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came into my
head, so that I easily persuaded the folks to believe I was of the
quality that my apparel represented.  Then the colonel asked me whither I
would go; and I answering ‘twas all one to me, we agreed thereupon that I
should stay with him and be his page.  Yet would he know where my asses’
ears had gone.  “Yea,” said I to myself, “an thou knewest where they
were: they would fit thee well enough.”  Yet was I clever enough to say
naught of their properties, for all my worldly goods lay in them.

         Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the
Emperor’s and the Elector’s camp, but specially among the ladies, who
would deck my hood, my sleeves, my short-cut ears with ribbons of all
colours, so that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the
fashion of to-day.  But all the money that was given me by the officers,
that I liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking
it away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which
liquors pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I
came there was plenty of chance of spunging.  But when my colonel
procured for me a lute of my own ( for he trusted to have me ever with
him), then I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps,
but he appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to
obey him.  And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet,
discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and
(which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and full
of all arts and sciences.  At night I must sleep in his tent, and by day
I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counselor and
minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the Swedes
utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to continue his
studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a muster-roll clerk
in the Saxon army, he took service with this my colonel, and was content
to serve as lackey, to wait until the dangerous chances of war on the
banks of the Elbe should change and so the sun of his former happiness
again shine upon him.

Edited by Mary Beth Drake

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