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Book II

Chapter i.  : HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED







    So in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black
and white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this
place to say more.  Yet can I not choose but say that even then I doubted
whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor down or
whether I was only so led to believe.  Now will I further relate how I
came again out of my goose prison.  For three whole hours, namely, till
that “Praeludium Veneris”1 (I should have said that seemly dance) was
ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with the
bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow that
was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick as I
would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a lady,
even as I had seen done at the dancing.  I knew not what was to happen:
but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures as had
happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my mind to
bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me, I crept
close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the end.  So
presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I could
understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil air of
the place, and on the other hand the second party would console the first.

    Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not
what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse.  Yet
when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards
nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and
moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of
those mad folk which helped stamp on the floor, and have now betaken
themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy death.

    As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door,
so to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of “Murder” as loud as
that which had brought me to that place.  Yet had I the sense to bolt the
door behind me and make for the open house-door.

    This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and
even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to give
no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score against
me, which I honourably discharged.

    Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat,
but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart
what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing.  For this I
hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up,
whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed.
 
 


Chapter ii. : CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE
PROPER SEASON







     And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then
first aware of my sad plight.  In my master’s quarters all was sound
asleep: so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the
house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me: while
to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to betake
myself.  Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to seek
refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought I
followed so far as to knock at his door: and therin was so importunate
that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me.  But forthwith
she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by this time
well-nigh slept off his wine, heard.  So he called us both to him as he
lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed: for he could
well perceive that I was numbed with the cold.  Yet was I hardly warm in
my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood by my bedside to
hear how it had gone with me and how my business had fared, for I could
not rise to go to him.  So I told him all, and began with the tricks
which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill they had turned out.
 Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after he, the pastor, had
left the table, had lost their wits and (as my comrade had told me)
determined to stamp down the floor of the house: Item into what fearful
terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I tried to save my life: how
thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and what I had noted in words and
works of those two which had delivered me, and in what manner I had
locked them both up in my stead.

    “Simplicissimus,” said the pastor, “thy case stands but lousily: thou
hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear bed and pack out of my
house, , lest I come with thee me.”  So I must away, with my wet clothes,
and now for the first time must understand how well he stands with all
and sundry who doth but possess his master’s favour: yet how askance he
is looked upon when that favour halteth.

    Away I went to my master’s lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep
save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room
wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was preparing
from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a luncheon.  So
first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with all manner of
drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down.  In some places all
was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards and downwards: in
other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer, so that the floor
looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate seas, islands, and
continents.  And in that room was the smell far worse than in my
goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook myself to
the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before the fire,
expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would further play
with me when my lord should awake.  Then did I reflect upon all the folly
and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind all that happened
to me in the past day and night and what I had seen and heard in that
time.  So when I thought thereon I did even deem the poor and miserable
life which my old hermit led a happy one, and heartily I wished him and
myself back in our old place.
 
 


Chapter iii. : HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND
HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL







     When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the
goose-pen: who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut
with a knife behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. 
But before such report came my lord understood from others that I had for
a long time been in the kitchen.  Meanwhile the servants must run hither
and thither to fetch yesterday’s guests to breakfast: among whom was also
the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master would
talk with him concerning me before they went to table.  He asked him
first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so
simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I
had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part
taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of
malice and in their despite; item, that he had cause me to be shut up in
a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet further
have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my state in the
kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him: in his lifetime
no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played him in the
presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to do with me
save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself so
clownishly, to send me to the devil.

    Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled
by degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord
Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little while,
he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from which not
only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable thoughts
removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his conduct.

    Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same
mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a
treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a
thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised him
to keep a still tongue concerning his doings.

    So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with
food and with guests.  There wormwood2, sage wine, elecampane3, quince4
and lemon drinks, with hippocras5, were to clear the heads and stomachs
of the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay.  Their
first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of
drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that would
truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some had
called the devil to witness the could drink no more.  Some indeed
confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it ‘twas only
since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that
such aches had come in fashion.  But when they were tiered both of
hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear
the brunt.  And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of those
merry happening which he had promised.

    So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as
he must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office. 
Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had
caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I
had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain
enchantments6 against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned out
when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange to me,
because I had never seen the like before, what an explication thereof I
had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized upon the
noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen.  All this
he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking that they were
fit to split with laughing, and was allowed to wait at table again.  But
of what had happened to me in the goose-pen and how I was delivered
therefrom would he say nought, for it seemed to him some old antediluvian
images might have taken offence at him, which believe that pastors should
always look sour.  Then again my master, to make sport for his guests,
asked me what dad I given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty
tricks: so I said, “Nothing at all.”  Then says he, “I will pay him the
school fees for thee.”  So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket7 and
there soundly trounce: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when
I tried those magical arts and found them false.

    So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain
give me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw
well that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me
to make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my
foolish fancies, was better than a dozen lutes.  So he asked me why I had
cut a hole in the door of the goose-pen.  I answered, “Another may have
done it.”  “Who then?” says he.  “Why,” says I, “he that came to me.” 
“And who camto thee?” quoth he.  “Nay,” says I, “that may I tell no man.”
 Now my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go
about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it
was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, “The mad ensign.”
 Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily
committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as a
hot coal, I would say more till by him it should be allowed.  Yet this
was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a command,
to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew.  And thereupon my
master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do with me in the
goose-pen.  “Oh,” says I, “he brought a young lady to me there.”

    And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter
that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more questions;
and ‘twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young maiden
(forsooth) might have been put to shame.

    Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a
little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now
where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams on
half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed in
onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled the
beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front smoke
and thunder and hell-fire.  Then they told many more such stories of me,
so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other employ
but to talk of me and laugh at me.  And this was the cause of a general
conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be soundly
befooled.  For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare jester,
by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in the world
and cause laughter to a dying man.
 
 


Chapter iv.  : CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE
MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN: THROUGH
WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS







    But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done
the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of
letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which same
was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review the
garrison and survey the fortress.  Such news spoiled all jesting, and all
jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind is gone
out.  The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as
tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with
the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself to give admittance to the
Blackguts, as he called him: he wished, he said, the devil had broke his
neck in a thousand pieces ere ever he came to the city.  Yet so soon as
he had let him in and welcomed him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted
but a little, or nothing at all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to
shew his devotion; yea, the courtesy to all outward shew was between the
two so great that the Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my
lord even to his lodging; and as they walked each would have the
left-hand place.

    Then thought I, “Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern
all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another’s help.”

    So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call “Who
goes there?” though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but
would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more
impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the last
“Who goes there?”  “The man who pays the money.”

    Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the
before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by
profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg8, thus murmur to
himself: “Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that pays
the money?  A skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou.  So
much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert struck
dead before thou shouldst leave this town.”
 So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with
the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm him,
but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love and
kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind drunk,
and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace.

    Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes
and sevens.  And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat
that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may
well know they do choose no simple babes).  Which same deceit I learned
in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five
with the right hand and four with the left on a drum.  For yet I was too
little to represent a musqueteer.  So they furnished me forth to that end
with borrowed clothes (for my short page’s breeches were in no wise
military to look upon and with a borrowed drum:  without doubt for this
reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came happily
through the inspection.  Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one trust my
simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, hearing which I
should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so must I keep the
name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor himself added that of
Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the muster-roll.  And so he
made me like a bastard, the first of my family; and that although, after
his own shewing, I looked so like his own sister.  So ever thereafter I
bore this name and surname, until I knew my right name: and under that
name I played my part pretty well to the profit of the Governor and small
danger to the Crown of Sweden.  And this is all the service that ever I
rendered to the crown of Sweden in all my life: and the enemies of that
crown can at least not lay more than this to my charge.
 
 


Chapter v.  : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND
THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE







    Now when the Commissary had gone the above-mentioned pastor bade me
come secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, “O Simplicissimus:
for thy youth I am sorry, and they future misery moveth me to sympathy. 
Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined to
deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and to
that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for thee.  So
to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art to unlearn
thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so grievously
torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be used against
it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman.  Now, because such is a
wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because I, for thy
hermit’s piety’s sake and for thine own innocence’ sake, desire to serve
thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with counsel and all
necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, therefore follow thou
now my teaching and take this powder, which will in such wise strengthen
thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to thine understanding,
mayst endure all things most easily.  Here likewise hast thou an
ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy and both these
things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at no
time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but look
thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I impart
to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee.  And when they shall have
thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor believe not all
of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so carry thyself as
if thou believest all.  Say but little lest thine attendants mark in thy
conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then will they change the
fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know not in what manner they
will go about to deal with thee.  But when thou shalt be clad in thy
plumes and thy fool’s coat, then come again to me that I may further
serve thee with counsel.  And meanwhile will I pray God for thee, that He
may protect thine understanding and thy health of body.”

    With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook
myself home.

    Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened.  In my first sleep
came four rogues disguised with frightful devils’ masks into my room and
to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks9 and
twelfth-night10 fools.  There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch
in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed
and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my
clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and natural
devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all the
effects of the greatest terror.  So they told me I must go with them: and
with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could neither see,
hear nor cry out.  Then they led me by many winding ways up and down many
stairs, and at last into a  cellar wherein was a great fire burning, and
when they had unbound the napkin then they began to drink to me in
Spanish wine and malmsey.  And fain would they persuade me I was dead,
and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was careful to keep such a
carriage as if I believed all that they pretended.

    Then said they, “Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us:
but if thou wilt not be a good fellow take thy part, thou must forthwith
into this fire that thou seest.”  These poor devils would have disguised
their speech and voice: yet I marked at once they were my lord’s grooms:
yet I let them not perceive this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that
would make me a fool must themselves be my fools.  So I drank my share of
the Spanish wine; but the drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar
cometh rarely to such customers; insomuch that I could swear they would
be drunk sooner than I.  But when it seemed to me to be the right time I
so behaved myself with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my
master’s guests lately do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep;
but no: they began to chase me all round the cellar and prick me with
their prong, which all the they had left to lie in the fire, till it
seemed as if they themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more
or at least not go to sleep.  And whenever, being thus baited, I fell
down (and this I often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made
as if they would cast me into the fire.  So was it with me as with a hawk
that is kept from sleep11: and this was my great torment.  ‘Tis true I
could have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but
they stayed  not all the time altogether, but relieved on another’s
watch; and so at last must I have failed.  Three days and two nights did
I spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the
fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if ‘twould
burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to id me at once of my
torment and of my tormentors.  And this did I even as does the fox when
he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could no
longer endure to be near me.  So to punish me they laid me in a sheet and
trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well have come
out, soul and al.  And what they did further with me I know not, so gone
was I from my senses.
 
 




edited by: Matthew Menefee








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1.  Praeludium Veneris, a latin phrase that can be roughly translated to
mean "precursor to Love;" Love being the goddess Venus.  A Latin
Dictionary (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1955), pp. 1422, 1968.
2.  Wormwood, a plant, proverbial for its bitter taste.  Also used for
medicinal and magical purposes.  Dictionary of Early English (New York:
Philisophical Library Inc., 1955), p. 732.
3. Elecampane, perennial composite plant, Horse-heal, with very large
yellow radiate flowers and bitter aromatic leaves and root; formerly used
as a tonic and stimulant. The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition
(Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 5, p. 115.
4. Quince, the hard, acid, yellowish, pear shaped fruit of a small tree
(Pyrus Cydonia) belonging to the pear family; the seeds are employed in
medicine and the
arts.   The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon
Press, 1989), vol. 13, p. 31.
5. Hippocras, a cordial, of spiced wine popular between the 14th and 17th
centuries.  Its name is a corruption of Hippocrates the Greek physician. 
Dictionary of Early English (New York: Philisophical Library Inc., 1955),
p. 334.
6.  Refers to an episode omitted in this translation.
7.  Winnowing Basket, to expose (grain or other substances) to the wind
or to a current of air so that the lighter particles are seperated or
blown away.  A winnowing basket is a contrivance for winnowing grain,
etc.  The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon
Press, 1989), vol. 20, pp. 403, 404.
8.  Vogelsberg, a volcanic cone of basalt lying 40 miles northeast of
Frankfurt-on-Main, West Germany.  The Vogelsberg arose during Tertiary
volcanic upheavals, blocking the Wetterau section of the Rhine rift
valley.  The summit, Taufstein, is 2,532 feet above sea-level.  The
slopes are deeply disected by radiating valleys.  Chambers's Encyclopedia
(London: International Learning Systems Corp. Ltd., 1973), vol. 14, p.
345.
9.  Mountebanks, an impudent pretender to skill or knowledge, a
charlatan; one who resorts to degrading means to obtain notoriety.  The
Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press,
1989), vol 10, p. 16.
10.  Twelfth-night, a night formerly observed as a time of merry making. 
The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press,
1989), vol. 18, p. 742.
11.  Allusion to a cruel practice in use in falconry.  (noted in original
translation)
