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Chap. xxvii :  HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND HOW
HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND

    Now my lord’s favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the
greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister whom
the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as good
food and idleness made me sleeker.  And this favour I enjoyed in many
quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me favour
also, and especially my lord¹s secretary was well affected to me; and as
he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my simpleness and
ignorance: he was but fresh from the University, and therefore was
cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times gave him the
appearance of being a button short or a button too many: often would he
convince me black was white or white black ; so it came about that at
first I believed him in everything and at last in nothing.  Once on a
time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he answered ‘twas the best
piece of furniture in his office, for out of it he could conjure whatever
he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine raiment, and, in a word,
whatsoever he possessed, all that had he fished out of his inkhorn.  Then
would I not believe that out of so small and inconsiderable a thing such
noble possessions were to be had: so he answered all this came from the
Spiritus Papyri (for so did he name his inks), and the inkhorn was for
this reason named an ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. 
Then I asked, how could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a
couple of fingers in.  To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit
to do such business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and
handsome wife, and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of
his own and servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have
happened.  At these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folks
knew such arts.

    “Surely,” says he, “all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors
or advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and
numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish diligently
in it, become rich lords thereby.”  Then said I,   “In this wise the
peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they eat their
bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this art.”  So he
answered, “Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore have no
desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm in their
head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and have the arm,
but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man will be rich
thereby: and others know all and can do all that appertains thereto, yet
they dwell on the unlucky side and have no opportunity, like me, to
exercise this art properly.”

    Now as we have reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a
truth reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of
dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me that, I found
more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes.  “And these,” said
I to the secretary, “be all Adam’s children and of one stuff, and that
dust and ashes?  Whence cometh, then, so great a difference; -his
Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity!  Be these not properties of God
alone?  Here is one called ‘Gracious’ and another ‘Worshipful.’  And why
must this word ‘born’ noble or ‘well born’ be ever added?  We know well
that no men fall from heaven and none rise out of the water and none grow
out of the earth like cabbages.”  The secretary must needs laugh at me,
and took the trouble to explain to me this and that title and all the
words separately.  Yet did I insist that the titles did not do men right:
for sure ‘twas more credit to a man to be called merciful than
worshipful: so, too, if the word “noble” signify in itself all
incalculable virtues, why should it when placed in the midst of “high
born,” which applieth only to princes, impair the dignity of the title. 
And as to the word “well born,” why ‘twas a flat untruth: and that could
any baron’s mother testify; for if one should ask her if he was well born
she could say whether ‘twas “well” with her when she brought him into the
world.

    And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me.  But this favour
of the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish
and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved
myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must
bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades.  Yet his disgust
would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet greater
disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that cometh to
court where the wicked and envious do make common cause against him.

    For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had
already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was like
age with myself.  “And this is Jonathon#1 ,” I thought, “and thou art
David.”

    But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord
shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I should
step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with
malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a
stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own.  Yet were mine
eyes as doves’ eyes*&nbsp; and my intent far different from his: nay, I
confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than
in childish simplicity and piety.  But he, innocent as I was, persuaded
me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty,
followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be duly
treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes.

Chap xxviii : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S HEAD

     The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had
appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good
friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the
strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must
I, as at the time ‘twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to
bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my
hand.  The first day there was a big fat calf’s-head (of which folk are
wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up.  And because
this calf’s head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his whole
eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a charming
and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth and ginger
sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my mouth did
water at it.  In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, my
nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it into
my hungry belly.  Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my desires;
for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that same day I
did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly and without let
or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived it till the dish
came to table and there betrayed itself and me.  For when they would
carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was wanting, my lord at
once perceived what made the carver start: and he was not a man to endure
such mockery as that any should dare to say to him he had served up a
calf’s-head with one eye.  So the cook must appear at table, and they
that should have brought the dishes up were with him examined: and last
of all
it came out ‘twas to poor Simplicissimus the calf¹s-head had last been
entrusted, and that with two eyes : how it had fared thereafter no man
could say.  Then my lord, as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance,
asked what I had done with the calf¹s eye.  So I whipt my spoon out of my
pouch again and gave the calf¹s head the second turn, and shewed briefly
and well what they had asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like
the first, in a wink.

     “Pardieu,” quoth my lord, “this trick savoureth better than ten
calves.”
And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying and spoke of
my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a wondrous device and a
presage of future boldness and fearless and swift resolution: so that for
this time, by the repeating of the very trick for which I had deserved
punishment I not only escaped that punishment, but from a few merry
jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained the praise of acting
wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes together, that so they might
in the next world, as in this, afford help and company to each other, to
which end they were at first appointed by nature.  Yet my lord warned me
to play him no more such tricks.

Chap. xxix : HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND
FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK

    At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all
came to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all
appearance very piously.  And this pious silence lasted as long as they
had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a
Quakers’ meeting#2.   But hardly had each one said “God’s blessing!”
three or four times when all was already livelier.  Nor can I describe
how each one’s voice grew louder and louder : I could but compare the
whole company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth
with thunder.  Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being
strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin,
that it may go the livelier, and likewise the dessert, to give a flavour
to the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish
olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered
ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned
(and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients
and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different from
what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius*&nbsp; himself, though
he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of cooks, yet 
had not recognized them.  Then thought I: “Is’t not like enough that
these things should disturb the sense of any man who can take delight in
them and the drink too (whereto they be specially appointed) and change
him, or even transform him, to a beast?  Who knows if even Circe#3 used
any other means but these when she did change Ulysses his companions into
swine?  For I saw how these guests at one time devoured the food like
hogs and then swilled like sows, then carried themselves like asses, and
last of all were as sick as farmers’ dogs.  The noble wines of Hochheim,
of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg they tipped into their bellies in
glasses as big as buckets, which presently shewed their effects higher
up, in the head.  And thereupon I saw with wonder how all changes; for
here were reputable folk, which just before were in possession of their
five senses and sitting in peace by one another, now beginning of a
sudden to act the fool and to play the silliest tricks in the world.  And
the great follies which they did commit and the huge draughts which they
drank to each other became bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as
if fooleries and draughts strove with each other which of them should be
accounted the greater: but at last this contest ended in a filthy
piggishness.  ‘Twas not wonderful that I understood not whence their
giddiness came: inasmuch as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself,
were until now quite unknown to me : and this left in my rogueish
remembrance thereafter all manner of merry pranks and fantastic
imaginings : their strange looks I could see ; but the cause of their
condition I knew not.  Indeed up till then each one had emptied the pot
with a good appetite: but when now their bellies were full ‘twas as hard
with them as with a waggoner, that can fare well enough with his team
over level ground, yet up the hill can scarcely toil.  But though their
heads were bemused, their want of strength was made good: in one man¹s
case by his courage, well soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to
drink yet one health to his friend: in a third that German chivalry which
must do his neighbour right.  But even such efforts must fail in the long
run.  Then would one challenge another to pour the wine in buckets to the
health of the princes or of dear friends or of a mistress.  And at this
many a one’s eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet
still the drinking must go on ; yea, at the last they must make a noise
with drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordance,
doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by
assault.  Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I knew
not that they would turn out the same before ‘twas well warm within them
(and that with great pains) out of the very place into which they had
just poured it to the great danger of their health.

    At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other
men, he must retire for a while.  So I followed him and “Pastor,” said I,
“why do these folk behave so strangely?  How comes it that they do reel
this way and that?  Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their
senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear
devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to swill. 
Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God’s despite that they of their
free will waste all things so wantonly?”

     “Dear child,” answered the pastor, “when the wine is in the wit is
out.  This is nought compared with what is to come.  To-morrow at
daybreak ‘twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have
already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry.”

    So I answered, “Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so
continually?  Can then, their souls, which are God’s image, abide in such
fat hog’s bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and
verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God?  Their precious
souls, I say how can they so let themselves be tortured?  Be not their
senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels of
unreasonin beasts?”

     “Hold thou thy tongue,” answered the pastor, “or thou mayest get
thee a sound thrashing: here ‘tis no time to preach, or I could do it
better than thou.”  So when I heard this I looked on in silence further,
and saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that
the poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished,
before our gates in the shape of many expelled peasants of the Wetterau#4
, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town there was
famine.

Chap. xxx: STILL TEATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO BE RID
OF PARSONS THEREAT

    So this gormandising#5  went on as before, and I must wait on them
from the beginning of the feast.  My pastor was still there, and was
forced to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but
said he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot
companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a
beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men.

    “For,” says he, “a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him
and quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care
to drink wine at all.  But ‘tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink
profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers did.” 
“Yes,yes,” says the pastor, “but for me ‘tis proper to keep due measure.”
 “Right,” says the other, “a man of honour must keep his word” and
thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, and with that
in his hand he reels back to the pastor.  But he was gone and left the
tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.

    So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and ‘twas for
all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and
opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbor with drunkenness, to bring
him to shame, or to pay him some scurvy trick: for when one of them was
so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, the cry was,
“Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: now must thou
drink the like”; and so on.  But he that could last longest and drink
deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to himself a fellow of no
mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, as they had drunk
henbane#6 .  ‘Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see how they did fool,
and yet none wondered but I.  One sang: one wept: one laughed: another
moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted “Courage!” another could
not even speak.    One was quiet and peaceable: another would drive the
devil out by swaggering: one slept and was silent, another talked so fast
that none could stand up against him.  One told stories of tender love
adventures, another of his dreadful deeds in war. Some talked of church
and clergy, some of the constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the
empire and of the world.  Some ran hither and thither and could not keep
still: some lay where they were and could not stir a finger, much less
stand up or walk.  Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they
had been a week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had
eaten that very day.  In a word, their whole carriage was comical,
strange, and mad: and moreover sinful and godless.  At the last there
arose at the lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung
glasses, cups, dishes, and plates at each other¹s heads and fought, not
with fists only, but with chairs, yea, with swords and whatever came to
hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but to that my
lord presently put an end.

Chap. xxxi: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX
 

    So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the
minstrels and the women-fold, and away to another house wherein was a
great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly.  But my lord
throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from
over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and
sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs
whistle to me: and that he could not.  Then he would call; but naught
could he say but “Simple!” So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn
in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I before
him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do.  But he pointed to
the washstand ad stammered out.”Bra-bra-bring me that, thou rogue:
ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin.  I mu-mu-must shoot a fo-fo-fo-fox!”

    So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I
could come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter.  Then he took
me quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin
right before his mouth.  Then all must out, with grievious retchings, and
such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted
away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some
fragments spurted up into my face.  And nearly did I do the same: but
when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright
and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit.  For the cold
sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man’s. 
But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with
that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.

    Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where
I should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a
silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my
lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and
asked what I should do with the fox.  “Thou fool,” says he, “go and take
it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith.”  So I asked where could I
find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity.  “Nay,” says he, “take
it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord’s state of health
is.”  And such an April fool’s journey had I surely gone, but that the
steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me therefore take
the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids should serve it up
with seasoning.  And this I did in all good faith, and was by those
baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.

Chap. xxxii: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE

    Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed
him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies,
bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun
round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone mad,
for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and fury:
yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so dreadful
that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but that they
were all bereft of reason.  And as we came nearer I was aware that these
were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right senses. 
“Good God,” thought I , “what do these poor folk intend to do?  Surely
madness is come upon them.”  Yet presently I thought these might
perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock
of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I
thought, had they human souls and God’s image in them, sure they would
not act so unlike to men.

    When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased,
save that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such
curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they
would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious
madness.  And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their
puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did
their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed them.
 Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and therefore
asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic doings might
signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and stamping was
intended.  And he, as the real truth, told me that all there present had
agreed to stamp down the floor of the room.   “For how,” says he, “canst
thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp about?  Hast thou not
seen how they broke all the windows for pastime?  Even so will they break
in this floor.”  “Good heavens!” quoth I, “then must we also fall, and in
falling break our legs and our necks in their company?”  “Yea,” quoth my
comrade, “’tis their purpose, and therefore do they work so devilishly
hard.  And thou wilt see that when they do find themselves in danger of
death each one seized upon a fair lady or maiden, for ‘tis said that to
couples that fall holding one another in this way no grievous harm is
wont to happen.”

    Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and
fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the
minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard,
and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their
ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his
partner by the hand, ‘twas to me even as if I saw the floor already
a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking.  But when
they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played just
then a lively gallop) then thought I, “Now is thy life at stake.”  For I
thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly tumble in:
so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility and eminent
virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing.  Her I caught all
unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her a burr, but when she
struggle, as not knowing what foolish fancies were in my head, I acted as
one desperate, and for sheer despair began to scream as if they would
murder me.  Now did the music cease of a sudden: the dancers and their
partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady to whose arm I stil
clung deemed herself grieviously insulted; for she fancied my lord had
had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon commanded that I
should be soundly whipped and then locked up somewhere, “for,” said
he,”’twas not the first trick I had played on him that day.”  Yet the
grooms which were to carry out his orders had sympathy with me, and
spared me the whipping and locked me up in a goosepen under the staircase.

Edited by Meghan Cunningham

#1 Jonathon, son of Saul the king of Israel.  When David was summoned to
Saul’s court as a harp-player, Jonathon was exceptionally fond of him,
possibly helping to curry favor with the king.  “David”, Oxford
Dictionary of the Christian Church (New York: Oxford University Press,
1997), p.452.
*  I.e. full of innocence (Goodrick)
#2&nbsp; During meetings, Quakers, or Friends, sit silently without any
pre-arranged worship service.  They wait for God to choose one of the
members as his speaker and to act as the minister.  “Quakers”, Ibid, p.
642.
*&nbsp; Given as an example of a Roman with luxurious tastes. (Goodrick)
#3  Circe, a figure of Greek mythology believed to be a sorceress on the
island of Aeaea.  She possessed the power to turn people into animals or
inanimate objects.  She is most famous for bewitching Odysseus’ men in
the Odyssey.  “Circe”, Crowell’s Handbook of Classical Mythology, (New
York: Thomas Y. Crowell Co, 1970), p.164-165.
#4  Wetterau, a region north of Frankfurt, home to an alliance of over
fifty Imperial Counts.  After 1665, however, Wetterau was led by the
Calvinist Counts of Nassau.  Geoffrey Parker, Thirty Years’ War (Boston:
Routldege & Kegan Paul, 1984) p.15.
#5  Gormandising, to eat greedily or ravenously.  “gormandise”, Webster’s
Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language (New York:Random House,
2001) p.824.
#6  Henbane, an herb whose leaves and flowering tops are used in medicine
as a sedative.  The extract is commonly added to purgative pills in order
to prevent gripe.  “Henbane”, Chamber’s Encyclopedia (United
Kingdom:Hazell, Watson, and Viney Ltd, 1973), vol. 7, p.15

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