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Chap. x.: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS
Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: for how I had made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his vices and it there were many that shewed displeasure, then was he laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at once. Yet the first who (at my lord’s nod) did answer me reasonably was the secretary; for when I called him a “title-forger” and asked what title, then had our first father Adam, “Thou talkest,” answered he, “like an unreasoning calf” for thou knowest not how after our first parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but since thou art by a calf, and so neither worthy no capable of human honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice.”

So I answered: “I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a stockfish and thy mother a plaice.”

“Oho!” answered the secretary, “if the matter is to be settled by our reviling each other, then can I cast in thy teeth they father was but a clownish peasant of the Spessart,1 and though in thy home and in thy family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet lower seeing that thou art becoming and unreasoning calf.”

So I answered: “Thou art right; ‘tis even that that I could maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of their parent’s titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth wither it may not please God that I, like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater on than my dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make themselves noble.”

“Let it be so for the sake of argument,” said the secretary, “that the children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that we do rightly honour the children for the parents’ sake, since the apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their ancient forefather’s high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him nothing to subdue. Did not he in a battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tell that his breath was like perfume and his sweat like must and that his dead body smelt of precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides taking 940 ships from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman people’s tribune was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight times conquer then that challenged him; he could shew forty-five scars on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs,2 which they did clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus’s honour in war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus3and the rest, whose undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to make less noise in the world, yet to achieve great fame for the masters of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis4, which by his ingenious brain and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at Syracuse5a great ship laden with merchants’ ware as if he had but led a packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art? This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy’s warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres6 was accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others would have their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things into thy unreasoning bullock’s brain or not. For ‘tis with thee as with the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such of those that do deserve it.”

With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: “These mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts, what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain, idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust of the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and according to the sentence and opinion of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to recognise the almighty power of God.”

1Spessart is a hilly region in northwestern Bavaria, a province in southern present-day Germany. "Hessen" and "Aschaffenburg," Encyclopædia Britannica Online. <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=41158&sctn=1> [Accessed 14 February 2002], <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=9903&sctn=1> [Accessed 14 February 2002].

2An ancient Roman triumph was a majestic parade accorded to a general after his return from winning a major battle. All of Rome turned out to see the sometimes exotic animals, people and spoils of war displayed in the triumph. "Triumph," Encyclopædia Britannica Online. <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=75362&sctn=1> [Accessed 14 February 2002].

3Theseus was an ancient Greek famous for his heroic deeds. He was the son of Aethra and either Aegeus or Poseidon. He killed several men or creatures that had terrorized people for years, including Sinis the Pine Bender, who split people in half, the Crommyonian sow, Scrion who killed his guests, Procrustes, who made his visitors fit his bed by either cutting off the spillover or stretching the person's body, the Bull of Marathon and the Minotaur of Crete. "Theseus," Encyclopædia Britannica Online. <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=73977&sctn=1> [Accessed 14 February 2002].

4Zeuxis, an ancient Greek painter from the fifth century BCE used shading and illusionism to make the painting more realistic. In the event referred to above, it is reported that the birds mistook his painting of grapes for actual grapes."Zeuxis" Encyclopædia Britannica Online. http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=80449&sctn=1> [Accessed 14 February 2002].

5Syracuse was a colony of Corinth on the island of Sicily settled in 734 BCE. "Syracuse" Encyclopædia Britannica Online. http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=72607&sctn=1> [Accessed 15 February 2002].

6Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture began to be worshiped around the fifth century BCE. She is similar to the Greek goddess, Demeter. "Ceres" and "Roman religion," Encyclopædia Britannica Online.<http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=22483&sctn=1> [Accessed 15 February 2002]. <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=119813&sctn=14> [Accessed 15 February 2002].

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Chap. xi.: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR

Then my lord would also have his just with me, and said: “I do well perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth, therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility.” “Sir,” answered I, “if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of honour, yet would I not take it.”

My lord laughed and said; “That I believe, for the ox his oaten straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune raises me above my fellows.”

Then did I sigh, and “O toilsome felicity!” said I. “Sir, I assure you, ye are the most miserable man in Hanau.”

“How so; how so, calf?” said my lord. “Give me thy reasons, for such I find not in myself.”

So I answered, “If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened, then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you of iron and quite insensible; ye have ‘tis true, the right to command, and whosoever comes within your kin the same must obey you. But do they serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men’s servant? Must ye not specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone. Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and therein must ever be on your guard that your plans not be spied upon. Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition, food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb, captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence ‘tis true they brought back booty, but ye have lad on them a grievous responsibility before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such treasures as doubtless they gatherest? And granteed that such riches remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy they booty, yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in misery suffer want or ever perish and die of hunger. How often do I see that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves to sleep in peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the preservation of they subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am raised above such cares! and so, knowing what I do owe the debt of death to nature, I fear lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it may be; even as thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and they supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety.

“I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God’s majesty. Yea, and the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they and so urge thee on to others’ harm, that they may keep in thy favour and fill their purses too.”

“Thou malingerer,” said my lord, “who taught thee so to preach?”

“Good, my lord,” answered I, “say I not truly that thou art so spoiled by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help? Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the Lacedaemonians railed at their on Lycurgus for walking with his head bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of Hannibal1 for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that, besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites, hath more than one hundred, yea ‘tis like enough more than ten thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers? Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live: Is’t not a duty laid on thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them, and listen to each one’s complaints and grievances? Were that not of itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard ‘tis for thee and yet how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes2 to tell thee, who after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice, banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his countrymen the he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw; yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a stupid calf.”

While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, and they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if he had been forced so to speak without preparation.

1Hannibal (247-183?BCE), was a noted general of Carthage in the Second Punic War against Rome. Most of the victories against Rome are accredited to him. He is famous for his disastrous crossing of the Alps. "Hannibal" Encyclopædia Britannica Online. <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?artcl=39153&seq_nbr=1&page=p&isctn=2> [Accessed 15 February 2002].

2Demosthenes (384-322 BCE), was a famous orator of Athens and a leader for its democracy. The incident reported in Grimmelshausen is still ambiguous, as Demosthenes was convicted of stealing 10 talents, but fined much less than the customary amount. His escape from prison afterward precluded him from being able to obtain the money to pay his fine. Later on in his life, the Athenians paid his fine and called him back from exile. "Demosthenes" Encyclopædia Britannica Online. <http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=30398&sctn=4> [Accessed 15 February 2002].

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Chap. xii: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS

So I ended my discourse this: “Therefore,” said I, “my excellent master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines; and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance: even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and soon will bring thee into one sickness or another.”

Then my lord answered: “I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that calf-skin clad thyself with a rougue-skin.”

With that I made as if I were angry, and aid: “Do ye men think, then, that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who hath taught the wild wood-pidgeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves, turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth the cat and dog to eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath taught the tortoise to heal a bit with hemlock or the stag when he is shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the weasel to use the rue when she will fight with the bat or snake? Who maketh the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that she should heal her fledglings’ dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did instruct the snake to heat of fennel when she will cast her slough and heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing to fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active and healthy. And which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this, consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them, therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wise and more ingenious than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them, perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other, and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further, behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if you find a single knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner to else full in the center? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water to many stones that that water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof. What would ye do if he were to dwell among the beasts and there behold al the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings? Then at all events would ye acknowledge ‘twas plain that all beasts had somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid, now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other; they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is necessary for their sustenance—yea, and at times do befool you men yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of it.”

edited by Katrina Laskowsky
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