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Chap.  Viii.:   HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ENDURED A CHEERLESS BATH IN THE RHINE
 

Yet  must I tell you of a couple of adventures before I say how I was
again freed from my musquet, and one in truth of great danger to life and
limb, the other only of danger to the soul, wherein I did obstinately
persist : for I will conceal my vices no more than my virtues, in order
that not only may my story be complete, but also that the untravelled
reader may learn what strange blades there be in this world.

 As I said at the end of the last chapter, I might now go out with
foraging-parties, which in garrison towns is not granted to every loose
customer, but only to good soldiers.  So once on a time nineteen of us
together went up to the Rhine to lie in wait for a ship of Basel that was
given out to carry secretly officers and goods of the Duke of Weimar’s
army.  So above Ottenheim we got us a fishing-boat wherein to cross over
and post ourselves on an eyot that lay handy to compel all ships that
drew near to come to land, to which end ten of us were safely ferried
over by the fisherman.  But when one of us that could at other times row
well was fetching over the remaining nine, of whom I was one, the skiff
suddenly capsized and in a twinkling we lay together in the Rhine.  I
cared not much for the others, but thought of myself.  But though I
strained to the utmost and used all the arts of a good swimmer, yet the
stream played with me as with a ball, tossing me about, sometimes over,
sometimes under.  I fought so manfully that I often came up to get breath
:  but had it been colder, I had never been able to hold out so long and
to escape with my life.  Often did I try to win to the bank, but the
eddies hindered me, tossing me from one side to another :  and though
‘twas but a short time before I can opposite Goldscheur, it seemed to me
so long that I despaired of my life.  But when I had passed that village
and had made sure I must pass under the Strassburg Rhine-bridge dead or
alive, I was ware of a great tree whose branches stretched into the river
not far from me.  To this the stream flowed straight and strong :  for
which cause I put forth all the strength I had left to get to the tree,
wherein I was most lucky, so that by the help both of the water and my
own pains I found myself astride upon the biggest branch, which at first
I had taken for a tree :  which same was yet so beaten by waves and
whirlpools that I kept bobbing up and down without ceasing, and so shook
up my belly  that I wellnigh spewed up lungs and liver.  Hardly could I
keep my hold, for all things danced strangely before my eyes.  And fain
would I have slipped in the water again, yet found I was not man enough
to endure even the hundredth part of such labour as I had so far
accomplished.  So must I stick there and hope for an uncertain
deliverance, which God must send me if I was to get off alive.  But in
this respect my conscience gave me but cold comfort, bidding me remember
that I had so wantonly rejected such gracious help a year or two before ;
 yet did I hope for the best, and began to pray as piously as I had been
reared in a cloister, determining to live more cleanly in future ;  yea,
and made divers vows.   Thus did I renounce the soldier’s life and
forswore plundering for ever, did throw my cartridgebox and knapsack from
me, and naught would suffice me but to become a hermit again and do
penance for my sins, and be thankful to God’s mercy for my hoped-for
deliverance till the end of my days, and when I had spent two or three
hours upon the branch between hope and fear there came down the Rhine
that very ship for which I was to help lie in wait.  So I lifted up my
voice piteously and screamed for help in the name of God and the last
Judgment, and because they must needs pass close to me, and therefore the
more clearly see my wretched plight, all in the ship were moved to pity,
so that they put to land to devise how best to help me.  And because, by
reason of the many eddies that were all round me (being caused by the
roots and branches of the tree), it was not possible to swim out to me
without risk of life nor to come to me with any vessel, small or great,
my helping needed much thought :  and how I fared in mind meanwhile is
easy to guess.  At last they sent two fellows in to the river above me
with a boat, that let a rope float down to me and kept one end of it
themselves.  The other end I with great trouble did secure, and bound it
round my body was well as I could, so that I was drawn up by it into the
boat like a fish on a line and so brought into the ship.

 So now when I had in this fashion escaped death, I had done well to fall
on my knees on the bank and thank God’s goodness for my deliverance, and
moreover then begin to amend my life as I had vowed and promised in my
deadly need.  But far from it.  For when they asked me who I was and how
I had come into this peril I began so to lie to the people that I might
have made the heavens turn black :  for I thought, if thou sayst thou
wast minded to help plunder them, they will cast thee into the Rhine
again.  So I gave myself out for a banished organist, and said that as I
would to Strassburg to seek a place as schoolmaster or the like on the
upper Rhine, a party had captured me and stripped me and thrown me in to
the Rhine, which brought me to that same tree.  And as I contrived to
trick out these my lies finely, and also strengthened them with oaths, I
was believed, and all kindness shewn me in the matter of food and drink
to refresh me, of which I had great need indeed.

 At the custom-house at Strassburg most did land, and I with them, giving
them all thanks ;  and among them I was ware of a young merchant whose
face and gait and actions gave me to understand that I had seen him
before :  yet could I not remember where, but perceived by his speech
that ‘twas that very same cornet  that had once made me prisoner :  and
now could I not conceive how from so fine a young soldier he had been
turned into a merchant, specially since he was a gentleman born.  Yea, my
curiosity to know if my eyes and ears deceived me or not urged me to go
to him and say, “Monsieur Schönstein, is it you or not?” to which he
answered, “ I am no Herr von Schönstein but a simple trader.”  “And I
too,” says I, “was never a huntsman of Soest but an organist, or rather a
land-tramping beggar.”  And “O brother!” he answered, “what the devil
trade art thou of?  Whither art thou bond?”  “Brother,” said I, “if thou
beest chosen by heaven to help preserve my life, as hath now happened for
the second time, then ‘tis certain that my destiny requires that I should
not be far from thee.”
 Then did we embrace as two true friends, that had aforetime promised to
love one another to the death.  I must to his quarters and tell him all
that had befallen me since I had left Lippstadt for Cologne to fetch my
treasure, nor did I conceal from him how I had intended to lay wait for
their ship with a  party, and how we had fared therein.   And he on his
part confided to me how he had been sent by the Hessian General Staff to
Duke Bernhard of Weimar on business of the greatest import concerning the
conduct of the war :  to bring reports and to confer with him on future
plans and campaigns, all which he had accomplished and was now on his way
back in the disguise of a merchant, as I could see.  By the way also he
told me that my bride at his departure was expecting child-bed, and had
been well entreated by her parents and kinsfolk, and furthermore that the
colonel still kept the ensigncy for me.  Yet he jested at my by reason of
my pock-marked face, and would have it that neither my wife nor the other
women of Lippstadt would take me for the Huntsman.  So we agreed to
Lippstadt which was what I most desired.  And because I had naught but
rags upon me he lent me some trifle in money, wherewith I equipped myself
like to an apprentice-lad.

 But as ’tis said, “What will be, must be,” that I now found true :  for
as we sailed down the river and the ship was examined at Rheinhausen, the
Philippsburgers knew me again, seized me and carried me off to
Philippsburg1 , where I had to play the musqueteer as before :  all which
angered my friend the cornet as much myself :  for now must we separate :
 and he could not much take my part, for he had enough to do to get
through himself.

Chap.  Ix.:  WHEREFORE CLERGYMEN SHOULD NEVER EAT HARES THAT HAVE BEEN
TAKEN IN A SNARE
 

Now hath the gentle reader heard in what danger of life I put myself. 
But as concerns the danger of my soul ‘tis to be understood that as a
musqueteer I became a right desperate fellow, that cared naught for God
and his word.  No wickedness was for me too great :  and all the
goodnesses and loving kindnesses that I had ever received from God quite
forgotten :  and so I cared neither for this world nor the next but lived
like a beast.  None would have believed that I had been brought up with a
pious hermit :  seldom I went to church and never to confess :  and
because I cared so little for my own soul’s health, therefore I troubled
my fellow men yet more.  Where I could cheat a man I failed not to do it,
yea I prided myself upon it, so that none came off scot-free from his
dealings with me.  From this I often got me a whipping, and still more
often the torture-horse ;  yea, I was often threatened with the
strappado2  and the gibbet :  but naught availed :  I went on in  my
godless career till it seemed I would play the desperado and run
post-haste to hell.  And though I did no deed evil enough to forfeit my
life, yet was I so reckless that, save for sorcerers and sodomites, no
worse man could be found.

 Of this our regiment’s chaplain was ware, and being a right zealous
saver of souls, at Eastertide he sent for me to know why I had not been
at Confession and Holy Communion.  But I treated his many faithful
warnings as I had done those of the good pastor at Lippstadt, so it
seemed as if Christ and His Baptism were lost in me, at the end says he,
“O miserable man :  I had believed that thou didst err through ignorance
:  now know I that thou goest on in thy sins from pure wickedness and of
malice aforethought.  Who, thinkest thou, can feel compassion for thy
poor soul and its damnation?  For my part, I protest before God and the
world that I am free of guilt as to that damnation ;  for I have done and
would have gone on to do without wearying, all that was necessary to
further thy salvation.  But hence forward ‘twill not be my duty to do
more than to provided that thy body, when thy poor soul shall leave it in
such a desperate state, shall be conveyed to no dedicated place there to
be buried with other departed pious Christians, but to the carrion-pit
with the carcasses of dead beasts, or to that place where are bestowed
other God-forgotten and desperate men.”  Yet this severe threatening bore
as little fruit as the earlier warnings, and that for this reason only,
that I was shamed to confess.  O fool that I was!  For often I would tell
of my knaves’ tricks in great company and would lie to make them seem the
greater ;  yet now, when I should be converted and confess my sins to a
single man, and him standing in God’s place, to receive absolution, then
was I as a stock or a stone.  I say the truth :  I was stockish ;  and
stockish I remained :  for I answered, “I do serve the Emperor as a
soldier :  and if I die as a soldier, ‘twill be no wonder if I, like
other soldiers (which cannot always be buried in holy ground, but must be
content to lie anywhere on the field in ditches or in the maw of wolf and
raven), must make shift outside the churchyard.”

 And so I left the priest, which for his holy zeal for souls had no more
return form me than that once I refused him a hare, which he urgently
begged from me, on the pretence that since it had hanged itself in a
noose and so taken its own life, therefore as self-murderer it might not
be buried in a holy place.

Chap. X. : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS ALL UNEXPECTEDLY QUIT OF HIS MUSQUET

So were things no better with me, but the longer the worse.   Once did
the colonel say to me he would discharge me for a rogue, since I would do
no good.  But because I knew he meant it not, I said ‘twas easy enough,
if only he would dismiss the hangman too, to bear me company.  So he let
it pass, for well could he conceive that I should hold it for no
punishment but for a favour if he would let me go :  and against my will
I must remain a musqueteer and starve till the summer.  But the nearer
Count von Götz came with his army, the nearer came also my deliverance : 
for when that general had his headquarters at Bruchsal, my friend
Herzbruder, that I had so faithfully helped with my money in the camp
before Magdeburg3 , was sent by the staff on certain business to our
fortress, where all shewed him great honour.  I was even then sentry
before the colonel’s quarters, and though he wore a coat of black velvet,
yet I knew him at first sight, yet had not the heart to speak to him at
once, as fearing lest, after the way of the world, he should be ashamed
of me or would not know me, for by his clothes he was now of high rank
and I but a lousy musqueteer.  But as soon as I was relieved I asked of
his servants his name and rank, to be assured that I did not address
another in his place, and yet I had not the courage to speak to him, but
wrote this billet to him and caused it to be handed to him in the morning
by his chamberlain.

 “Monsieur, etc., --If it should please my worshipful master by his high
influence to deliver on whom he once by his bravery saved from bonds and
fetters on the field of Wittstock, from the most miserable condition in
the world, into which he hath been tossed like a ball by unkind fortune,
‘twould cost him little pains and he would for ever oblige one, in any
case his faithful servant but now the most wretched and deserted of
men.—S. SIMPICISSIMUS.”

 No sooner had he read this than he had me to him and Fellow countryman,”
says he, “where is the man that gave thee this?”  “Sir,” I answered, “he
is a captive in this fortress.”  “Well,” says he, “now go to him and say
I would deliver him an he had the halter round his neck.”  “Sir,” said I,
“’twill not need so much trouble, for I am poor Simplicissimus himself,
come not only to give thanks for his rescue at Wittstock, but also to beg
to be freed from the musquet which I have been forced against my will to
carry.”  But he suffered me not to make an end, but by embracing me
shewed me how ready he was to help me :  in a word, he did all that one
faithful friend can do for another ;  and before he asked me how I came
in to the fortress and to such a service, he sent his servant to the Jew
to buy me a horse and clothing.  And meanwhile I told him how it had
fared with me since his father had died before Magdeburg, and when he
heard I was the Huntsman of Soest (whose many famous exploits he had
heard of) he lamented that he had not known such before, for so the Jew
came with a whole burden of soldiers’ clothes, he chose out the best for
me, bade me clothe myself, and so took me with him to the colonel.  And
to him, “Sir,” says he, “I have in your garrison found this good fellow
here present, to whom I am so much bounden that I cannot leave him in
this low estate even if his good qualities deserved no better :  and
therefore I beg the colonel to do me this favour, and either to give him
a better place or to allow me to take him with me and to further his
promotion in the army, for which perhaps the colonel has no great
opportunity here.”  At that the colonel crossed himself for sheer wonder
to hear any man praise me ;  and says he,  “Your honour will forgive me
if I say it is his part to try whether I am willing to serve him so far
as his deserts do require :  and so far as  that goes, let him demand
aught else that lies in my power and he shall understand my willingness
by my actions.  But as to this fellow, he is, according to his own
showing, no soldier of mine, but belongs to regiment of dragoons4 , and
is besides so pestilent a companion that since he hath been here he hath
given more work to my provost than a whole company, so that I must needs
believe no water will ever drown him.”  So he ended with a laugh and
wished me luck.

 But for Herzbruder this was not enough but he further begged the colonel
not to refuse to invite me to his table, which favour he also obtained : 
and this he did to the end that he might tell the colonel in my presence
what he only know of me by hearsay in Westphalia5  from the Count von der
Wahl and the commandment of Soest, all which actions he so praised that
all must hold me for a good soldier.  And I too carried myself so
modestly that the colonel and his people that had known me before could
but believe that with my new clothes I had become a new man.  Moreover,
when the colonel would know how I had gotten the name of doctor, I told
them the whole story of my journey from Paris to Philippsburg and how
many peasants I had cheated to fill my belly :  at which they laughed
heartily.  And in the end I confessed openly it had been my intention so
to vex and weary him, the colonel, with all manner of tricks, that he
must at last turn me out of the garrison, if he would live at peace form
all the complaints that I caused him.  Thereupon he told of many
rogueries I had committed while in the garrison, for example, how I had
boiled up beans, poured grease over them, and sold the whole for pure
grease ;  also sand for salt, filling the sacks with sand below and salt
above ;  and again, how I had made a fool of one here and another there,
and had made a jest of every man, so that during the whole meal they
spoke only of me.  Yet had I not had such a friend at court these same
acts would have been held deserving of severe punishment.  And so I drew
my conclusion how t’would go at court if a rogue should gain a prince’s
favour.

 Our meal ended, we found the Jew had no horse which would serve
Herzbruder for me :  but as he stood in such esteem that the colonel
could hardly afford to lose his good word, therefore he presented us with
one from his own stable, saddle and bridle and all, on which my lord
Simplicissimus was set and with his friend Herzbruder rode joyfully forth
from the fortress.  And some of my comrades did cry, “Good luck, brother,
good luck,” but others from envy, “The longer the halter the greater the
luck.”
 

Edited by: Christian Lesnett

1.   Philipsburg was a territory highly desired by France during the
Thirty Years War. In the treaty signed at Westphalia at the end of  the
war on October 24, 1648, France gained the right to station troops there
and to have free access by way of the Rhine to the city.  The city is
along the Rhine River in a key location between France and Germany. See
Repgen, Konrad. “Negotiating the Peace of Westphalia: A Survey With an
Examination of the Major Problems.” 1648: War and Peace in Europe. Ed.
Klaus Bussman and Heinz Schilling. Münster? 350 Jahre Westfalischer
Friede, 1998. 367-369.

2.  A strappado was a machine used to torture individuals in the manner
of binding the subject’s hands behind their back with a rope.  The rope
was then used to hoist them up to stretch and cause severe pain by using
the subject’s body weight to inflict pain. See “Torture.” The New
Encyclopaedia Britanica: Micropaedia. 1997.

3.   Magdeburg was a stronghold of Militant Protestantism.  The city was
under threat of the Imperial invasion of the Holy Roman Empire.  Gustavus
Adolphus, the Swedish King in strong opposition to the Empire, made a
pact with the city of Magdeburg and the Count of Brandenburg to ally with
each other in defense against the Empire.  As the Imperial forces
besieged the city, Adolphus backed out of the pact, resulting in the
city’s capture.  The Imperial forces massacred the inhabitants of the
city and burned it to the ground on May 20th, 1631.  see Langer, Herbert.
“The Royal Swedish War in Germany.” 1648: War and Peace in Europe. Ed.
Klaus Bussman and Heinz Schilling. Münster? 350 Jahre Westfalischer
Friede, 1998. 187-189.

4.    Dragoons were companies of soldiers named after their weapon of
choice, a short carbine musket.  The soldiers were mounted during
offensive attacks and were infantrymen during defensive encounters.  See
“Dragoon.” The New Encyclopaedia Britanica: Micropaedia. 1997.

5.   Westphalia was a region in Northwestern Germany.  It was in this
region that the nations involved in the Thirty Years War established
peace by the signing of treaties.  The Holy Roman Empire, Sweden, France,
and Brandenburg were some of the major nations present.  The treaties
confirmed physical boundaries of nations, redistributed captured land,
and secured religious freedoms to the three major religious communities
of Roman Catholicism, Lutheranism, and Calvanism.  It also brought
sovereign power to many princes throughout Europe, thus limiting the
power and influence of the Holy Roman Empire.  See “Westphalia” and
“Westphalia, Peace of.” The New Encyclopaedia Britanica: Micropaedia.
1997.
