7z' yaq & 8f|1
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[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
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* Love and marriage *
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* Love and marriage *
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* Go together like *
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* A horse and carriage *
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* This I tell ya, brother *
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* You can't have one *
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* Without the other *
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* Love and marriage *
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* Love and marriage *
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* It's an institute *
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* You can't disparage *
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* Ask the local gentry *
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* And they will say
It's elementary *
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* Try, try, try
To separate them *
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* It's an illusion *
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* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
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* To this conclusion *
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* Love and marriage **
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MAN ON TV: And I'd like to say
one more time, please,
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please, watch
the late show on Fox.
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All we want is a chance.
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Is that too much to ask for?
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I'm home!
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No, no.
Don't mob me!
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I'm just
the breadwinner.
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No, don't push.
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You'll all get your chance
to hug and kiss me.
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Hey, Buck.
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I'm home, buddy.
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You shiftless,
thankless bag of--
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Go on.
Get off.
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Hey, where'd you get these?
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We don't keep any food
in the house.
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Al, I brought
you some ribs.
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I kept them in the bag
so they could soak
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in the grease
just like you like them.
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Al, you eat
like an animal.
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I didn't do this.
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Oh, you're going
to blame it on Buck?
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Well, look,
he's not even hungry.
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His bowl is still full.
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Hey, beef!
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Give it here.
It's Buck's, Al.
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Now listen,
you're always complaining
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I don't get you food,
so I got you ribs.
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Now I want you
to do something for me
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you've been promising
for a long time.
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What's that you say, Peg?
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I'm sorry, it's just
this darn headache.
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Not that.
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I meant something that would
require movement on your part.
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I want you to fix
the back fence.
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Wait a second, Peg,
why should I have to fix it?
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It wasn't me who said
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"Let's get a picture
of your mother
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leaning up
against the fence."
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It wasn't meant to support
a 200-pound woman
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with a keg under
each arm.
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It made a nice picture, Al.
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Now, look, the kids are getting
old enough to realize
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that it is not really
your part-time job
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to sit on the couch and test
the weight of beer cans.
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And now you won't
even fix the fence.
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What kind of an example
is that for them?
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Well, if we're
an example to the kids,
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Bud will grow up and get a job
that will slowly kill him.
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And Kelly, well she'll
grow up to believe
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that a two-income family
is a house with two husbands.
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Now don't start with that
"I don't do anything crap,"
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I take care
of your children.
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Mom, where's my socks?
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Honey, there's probably
a pair in the hamper.
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Anyhow, Al, that hole
is not only an eyesore,
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but, I mean, what about Buck?
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He could climb through,
and we'd never see him again.
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Oh, that's
a real danger, Peg.
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Watch this.
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Buck!
Come here, boy!
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Come on, Buck!
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Freedom, boy!
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Go!
Go, Buck!
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He's got about as much chance
of finding his way
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out of this house
as you do.
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It's not just Buck getting out.
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Other dogs are getting in.
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And they're using our yard
as a public rest room.
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All right.
All right!
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I'll fix it tomorrow.
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Thanks, Al.
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Can I get you
an aspirin?
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I don't have a headache.
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Well, good.
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Then that brings us
to another little chore
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our handyman's
been neglecting.
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Oh, gee, you better
bring me three, Peg.
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Ah, I guess I better get rid of
all the dirty work at one time.
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I'll do it after
I fix the fence.
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Ohh...
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It's been two months, Al.
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When are you gonna
fix the fence?
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Tomorrow, Peg.
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And that other thing
we talked about?
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Tomorrow, Peg.
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We're getting complaints
from the neighbors.
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What?
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Are we bringing down
the block's average?
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We'd bring down the average
at a nursing home.
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Look, I'm talking
about the fence.
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Remember how you said Buck
couldn't find his way out.
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Well, he found his way out
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and he has knocked up
every dog in the neighborhood.
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That's ridiculous, Peg.
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He's a lifeless lump.
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We had two kids.
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Then my work is done.
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Well, I'm sure he
didn't learn anything from you,
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but they're blaming
us anyway.
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[DOORBELL RINGS]
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I still can't believe it.
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How could that be?
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He tips over
when he lifts his leg.
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Mr. Pittman.
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My dog's been soiled, Bundy.
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I demand satisfaction.
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Me too.
Good luck.
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What are you talking about,
Pittman?
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My dog happens to be
a champion, purebred poodle.
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I was saving her
to be mated
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with the well-known
champion Zeus of Olympus.
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But what do I find
this morning when I come down
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to give my dog
her eyedrops?
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I find that...beast.
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With my champion
dowager Duchess of Kankakee.
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I had her tested, Bundy.
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She's impregnated.
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And now she's going to have
stupid, ugly puppies.
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I was going to make a lot
of money off a proper mating.
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That sort of makes you a dog
pimp, doesn't it, Pittman?
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And it also sort
of makes you
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the defendant in a lawsuit,
doesn't it, Bundy?
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You're slapping my dog
with a paternity suit?
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You must be out
of your mind.
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Al, you're not going
to believe what just happened.
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I just delivered
a litter of 11 puppies.
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The mother was under our house
undergoing a difficult labor,
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but luckily,
Steve took charge.
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The puppies are very cute,
but they seem awfully stupid.
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The wonder dog strikes again,
eh, Bundy?
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What's going on?
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Buck Bundy
impregnated my dog.
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Ohh...
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He's probably
getting out
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through that hole
in the fence, Al.
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You know, as I was
under our house,
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witnessing the miracle
of birth,
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it occurred to me
this whole despicable episode
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could have been avoided
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if owners would only have
their pets spayed or neutered.
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Well, that's an idea, Al.
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We could spay
or neuter Buck.
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Not a chance. Look, I'll just
fix the fence, okay?
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Oh, I don't think that'll
help much, Al.
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You know what they say--
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How you gonna keep
them down on the farm
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after they've poked Paris?
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You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.
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Oh, now,
Mr. Pittman, uh...
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Look, how about this?
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If Al gets his dog neutered,
will you forget about a lawsuit?
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Well, Looking around, it doesn't
look like I could get much.
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Looks like you've
already been sued by life.
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All right,
I'll accept those terms.
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But, Bundy, I don't want
your stupid dog
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around my poodle
ever again.
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And while we're
on the subject,
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keep your daughter
away from my son.
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Well, she was probably
just lending him a dress.
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Well, I guess
that goes to show you
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what can happen when
you use a little diplomacy.
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What a day, huh?
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I delivered a litter
of puppies
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and still had time
to save your bacon.
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Brewskies, all around.
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Well, Steve, what can I say,
except I wish you were dead?
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That's just Al's way of saying
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thanks for saving us
hundreds of dollars
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that would've taken
Al thousands of years to make.
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You're welcome.
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You're not. And I'm not
neutering my dog!
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00:09:01,901 --> 00:09:04,601
That's the way God made him,
and that's how he's staying.
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00:09:04,601 --> 00:09:07,801
Al, he's climbing over every dog
in the neighborhood.
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Why, because Pittman says so?
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How does he know?
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The spells sex 9-7-6.
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00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,868
Now, look,
we all know Buck.
197
00:09:16,868 --> 00:09:19,834
Remember the time we had to pull
his head out of his water dish
198
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:22,634
to keep him from drowning?
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He was only two, honey.
200
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Oh, please, the dog
isn't capable of thought,
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much less reproduction.
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I don't care what
anybody says,
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Buck is innocent
until proven guilty.
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Dad, the dogs
are in your bedroom.
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Well-- Do something!
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* When a man loves a woman *
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* Can't keep his mind
On nothing else... **
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Well, the dogs are gone.
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There was a line at the gate
too, but I got rid of them.
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Where were we?
211
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We were neutering the dog, Al.
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00:10:12,334 --> 00:10:14,434
Oh, but honey,
before you take him down,
213
00:10:14,434 --> 00:10:17,534
could you ask him
for a few pointers?
214
00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:22,033
Well, one thing that seems
to work for him was
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00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:23,234
there was no one
lying there
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00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:25,767
yelling a bunch
of instructions at him.
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00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:31,200
Well, you obviously didn't pay
attention to those charts
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00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,501
I put up in the bathroom.
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00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:36,968
Well, I thought that meant,
put the clothes in the hamper.
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You been missing
that too, Al.
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00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,367
Uh, guys, please.
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00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:43,901
Uh, look, Al, why don't you
just take him down,
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00:10:43,901 --> 00:10:45,501
get him neutered
and be done with it?
224
00:10:45,501 --> 00:10:46,968
Because I'm not
neutering him.
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00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:48,534
Oh, come on, Al.
226
00:10:48,534 --> 00:10:50,901
It is no big thing.
227
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,934
Al, you'll really
be doing him a favor.
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00:10:55,934 --> 00:10:58,634
I read that neutered dogs
live longer, they're calmer,
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00:10:58,634 --> 00:10:59,868
and they're
more affectionate.
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00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:03,601
Makes them more
affectionate, huh?
231
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:10,033
He won't even notice
after a while.
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00:11:10,033 --> 00:11:11,200
Believer me, Marce,
233
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it's the kind of thing
a guy would notice.
234
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,067
Oh, come on, Al.
235
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:16,434
It's a simple,
painless operation.
236
00:11:21,634 --> 00:11:25,300
I bought a male dog
because I wanted a male dog.
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00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,267
He'll still be
a male dog.
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00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:30,667
No, he won't be a male dog,
he'll be a thing.
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Like a...
like a girl.
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00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:33,868
Listen, Al.
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00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:35,167
Let's be practical.
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Mr. Pittman won't sue
if we have Buck neutered.
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00:11:38,033 --> 00:11:40,167
And if the court
is gonna award anyone
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what's left of your money,
it's going to be me.
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Here, here!
246
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:45,634
Come on, Peggy,
247
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:47,801
I'll get you the numbers
of a couple of veterinarians
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00:11:47,801 --> 00:11:49,667
we met at our animal
rights group.
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00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:50,934
Oh, and while
you're there.
250
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:52,868
You've got to see
my new fox jacket.
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Well, are you happy now,
Dr. Hack-em-off?
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Come on, Al.
253
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:06,601
Deep down, you know it's
the best thing for him.
254
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,934
You're making this sound
a lot more gruesome than it is.
255
00:12:09,934 --> 00:12:11,067
Oh, really, Steve?
256
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:14,734
Why are your legs crossed?
257
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,200
They're not.
258
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,100
You know, I can't believe you're
not with me on this, Steve.
259
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:21,968
I mean, you, me,
and Buck-- We're guys.
260
00:12:21,968 --> 00:12:23,567
We were put on this
earth to roam,
261
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:26,267
to conquer...
to rule.
262
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,133
Then we got married,
so it's over for us.
263
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:33,100
But Buck--
he's in his prime.
264
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:34,767
Look at him, Steve.
265
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:37,133
You can't tell me
you're not a little envious.
266
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:39,167
He's got the life.
267
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,601
A new bitch every night--
268
00:12:41,601 --> 00:12:43,000
Doesn't have to take
them to dinner,
269
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,701
he doesn't have
to dress up,
270
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:46,334
he doesn't have
to take a bath,
271
00:12:46,334 --> 00:12:50,801
and best of all, they're not
there in the morning.
272
00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:55,834
Just woof, woof,
thank you, ma'am.
273
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:59,901
Think about it, Steve.
274
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:04,167
Well, I really
don't mind bathing, Al.
275
00:13:05,801 --> 00:13:08,634
Other than that, he's everything
I've ever wanted to be.
276
00:13:08,634 --> 00:13:10,367
Then be like me, Steve.
277
00:13:10,367 --> 00:13:11,868
Live through him.
278
00:13:11,868 --> 00:13:15,667
You saw that little
poodle he was with?
279
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:19,234
How was she?
280
00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:22,300
What am I saying?
This is a dog.
281
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:26,167
Marcie suggested this vet
that's not too far from us.
282
00:13:26,167 --> 00:13:28,968
And guess what, Al--
She's a woman.
283
00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:34,067
Of course. What does she do,
nag him till they drop off?
284
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:40,767
Al, there is a stupid,
ugly puppy sale going on
285
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:44,400
in every house
on the block.
286
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,133
They know it's Buck.
287
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:48,033
Wait a second, Peg.
288
00:13:48,033 --> 00:13:50,567
So it's all Buck's fault, huh?
289
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,934
If these neighbors
don't want anymore puppies,
290
00:13:52,934 --> 00:13:54,801
let them spay
their dogs.
291
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:57,801
Oh, that is so typically male.
292
00:13:57,801 --> 00:14:01,100
Birth control is always
the woman's responsibility.
293
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,167
They have the babies.
294
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:06,033
God, you're a pig.
295
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,133
Well, it may surprise you, Al,
296
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:10,734
but some feel that
responsibility
297
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:11,934
should be shared
equally.
298
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:12,968
Right, Steve?
299
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:14,400
Right, dear.
300
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,801
And some men even feel it's
their duty to assume the role
301
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:18,000
of family planner.
302
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,334
Right, Steve?
Right, dear.
303
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:21,467
And after we have our
little boy and little girl,
304
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,501
Steve's gonna have
a vasectomy.
305
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:25,234
Right, Steve?
306
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:30,467
Steve is going
to have what, dear?
307
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:31,567
You know, Steve.
308
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,133
Like Buck.
You'll live longer.
309
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,601
You'll be calmer.
310
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,100
Shut up, Al.
311
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,634
Uh, dear...
312
00:14:39,634 --> 00:14:42,200
We never talked about
doing anything to, uh,
313
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,167
Mr. Mike.
314
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:50,501
Sure we did, Steve.
315
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:53,267
We said once we had our
two children, we'd stop.
316
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:57,567
I guess I read "stop" a little
differently than you did.
317
00:14:57,567 --> 00:15:00,200
Just how did you
read it, Steve?
318
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,234
You're no better
than Al.
319
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:06,334
Now, now, there
is no need for insults.
320
00:15:06,334 --> 00:15:09,334
Look, Marcie, all you
have to do is take a pill.
321
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:11,133
The pill could be
dangerous, Steve.
322
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:14,033
So could I, if you try
rewire my plumbing.
323
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,667
This is just great.
324
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,467
Buck's keeping his,
and Steve's losing his.
325
00:15:23,634 --> 00:15:25,434
Buck is not
keeping his.
326
00:15:25,434 --> 00:15:27,634
And Steve is not
losing his.
327
00:15:27,634 --> 00:15:30,000
Well, we'll see
about that.
328
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,801
Come on, Steve,
we'll talk about this at home.
329
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,400
I can't believe you,
330
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,000
it's just a simple
little operation.
331
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,901
Yeah, what if there's a slip?
332
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:38,267
What if there's an earthquake?
333
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:41,067
What if the doctor gets hiccups,
then where will I be, huh?
334
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:44,400
Standing outside a harem door
in a diaper, that's where.
335
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:47,667
He'll have it done.
336
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:50,100
Anyway, honey, I'm gonna
make an appointment for you
337
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:51,501
and Buck tomorrow at 10.
338
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:53,934
Wait a minute, Peg, we're
going about this all wrong.
339
00:15:53,934 --> 00:15:55,934
It's not up to you.
It's not up to me.
340
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:57,400
It's Bud's dog.
341
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,000
Now you tell him we're
neutering his dog,
342
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,100
and let him make
the decision.
343
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,267
Bud, come down here!
344
00:16:06,868 --> 00:16:07,934
What, Dad?
345
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:10,734
Honey, is it all right
if we neuter your dog?
346
00:16:10,734 --> 00:16:12,000
Sure.
347
00:16:18,334 --> 00:16:19,667
Aw, Peg...
348
00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:24,067
Tomorrow at 10, Al.
349
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,634
Look at him.
350
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:28,601
He knows.
351
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:31,400
I've been looking
at him for three years.
352
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,200
He knows nothing.
353
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,767
That's not true, Peg.
354
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:39,234
A hundred she-dogs
can't be wrong.
355
00:16:39,234 --> 00:16:41,934
He knows one thing.
356
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,801
Well, I'm going up
to bed.
357
00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:46,200
Oh, and speaking
of that one thing,
358
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,801
you want to come up
and join me?
359
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:50,868
In a little while, Peg.
360
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:53,434
I want to spend
the last night with my...
361
00:16:53,434 --> 00:16:55,534
entire dog.
362
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,300
There's a woman for you.
363
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:05,901
All day long, it's hack-em-off,
hack-em-off, hack-em-off.
364
00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:07,901
As soon as the sun goes down,
it's "Here, boy!",
365
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:10,567
"Here, boy!", "Here, boy!"
366
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:17,434
Listen, Buck, I tried, huh?
367
00:17:17,434 --> 00:17:19,267
You know I tried.
368
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:21,767
You understand, huh?
369
00:17:23,801 --> 00:17:25,267
Ahh...
370
00:17:29,534 --> 00:17:31,934
I'm home, everybody!
371
00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:34,267
No, thank you.
372
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:37,434
I don't need anything.
373
00:17:39,801 --> 00:17:41,367
Buck!
374
00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:42,534
Come here, boy!
375
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,100
Hey, that looks good.
376
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:04,868
Got one for me?
377
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:10,934
Still mad because I got you
neutered, huh?
378
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:13,901
What, do you want me
to dance for joy?
379
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:15,400
Bring your pipe
and slippers,
380
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:21,901
roll over so you can rub
my belly and see my shame?
381
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,133
You know,
I thought you were
382
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:26,267
supposed to be more
affectionate.
383
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:27,467
Yeah, right.
384
00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:30,267
Why don't you poke my eyes out,
maybe that'd do it.
385
00:18:32,234 --> 00:18:34,400
[DOG BARKING]
386
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,067
Yeah?
Not this year, honey.
387
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:40,200
Aw, come on, Buck.
388
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,801
You can't just sit around
feeling sorry for yourself.
389
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:44,968
Hey, what do you say
we go for a walk.
390
00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:46,367
I hear they painted
the big hydrant
391
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:48,267
at the end
of the corner.
392
00:18:48,267 --> 00:18:49,434
Nah.
393
00:18:49,434 --> 00:18:52,234
A lot of the male dogs
hang out there.
394
00:18:52,234 --> 00:18:54,434
All right,
let's clear the air here.
395
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,801
This was for
your own good.
396
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,467
Oh, thank you master.
397
00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:01,067
You know, my head is a great
source of pleasure to me too.
398
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:03,501
How about cutting it off?
399
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:07,067
Come on, Buck. Don't you think
I feel bad enough?
400
00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:08,234
No.
401
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,234
What can I do to make
it up to you?
402
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:13,067
I know, how about
a shiny new collar?
403
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:14,367
Oh, yeah!
404
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:18,167
That's much better
than what I had before.
405
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:20,868
Gee, how about one
with studs?
406
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,501
You know,
to impress the ladies.
407
00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:26,067
That is, before they find out
I'm a eunuch!
408
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:31,167
Come on, boy.
409
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,834
Keep your hands off me.
410
00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:36,400
Getting a little testy,
aren't you boy?
411
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,934
Grr.
412
00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:43,000
Well, Bundy...
413
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:47,767
I guess you're pretty
darn proud of yourself, huh?
414
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:50,334
Aw, come on, Buck,
I tried to stop this.
415
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:52,667
You might have
tried a little harder.
416
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:54,667
I know, why don't
we do something
417
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:56,367
to get your mind
off it.
418
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:58,701
Hey, you want to watch
the Bears game?
419
00:19:58,701 --> 00:20:00,467
Oh, I don't know.
420
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,501
I'm not much
into sports anymore.
421
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:07,000
How about taking me
to a Peter Allen concert?
422
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,701
Oh, what have I done?
423
00:20:09,701 --> 00:20:12,334
Oh, Buck, I didn't want
this to happen.
424
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:13,734
I know you didn't, Bundy.
425
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:17,701
That's what makes it
even harder to swallow.
426
00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:19,100
Ah, what's the difference?
427
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:21,067
I'm sick of the sight of you.
428
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:22,267
Where are you going?
429
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:25,267
Oh, I guess I'll go out and...
430
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:29,968
sniff a few butts
for old times' sake.
431
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,133
Hi.
432
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:44,100
We're insane killers.
433
00:20:46,334 --> 00:20:47,734
Sic 'em, Buck!
434
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,801
Heh, heh.
435
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,567
Buck!
Oh, Buck!
436
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:54,934
Extra yummies!
437
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:56,300
Aah!
438
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,934
Well, today's the day.
439
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,000
Do I have to, Peg?
440
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,200
Oh, honey, everybody says this
is the best thing for Buck.
441
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,801
We've had all the arguments
442
00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:20,334
and there is not one good
reason not to do this.
443
00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:22,033
He knows, Peg.
444
00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:25,200
Look how he's
looking at me.
445
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,501
He's looking at me, Al,
446
00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:30,567
and he's thinking what everybody
who looks at me thinks--
447
00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:33,400
That poor woman.
448
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,601
Just take him down.
449
00:21:34,601 --> 00:21:36,400
I'll go get his leash.
450
00:21:38,334 --> 00:21:40,300
BUCK:
You know what you have to do.
451
00:21:46,334 --> 00:21:49,400
You look real nice today, Peg.
452
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,634
Thanks, Al.
453
00:21:51,634 --> 00:21:55,300
Want to go upstairs?
454
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,868
For what?
455
00:21:58,868 --> 00:22:03,000
It, Peg.
456
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,501
I'm in the mood.
457
00:22:04,501 --> 00:22:06,033
Let's go.
458
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,567
You can always
take Buck next weekend.
459
00:22:10,567 --> 00:22:13,367
That is, unless you're...
460
00:22:13,367 --> 00:22:15,834
busy next weekend.
461
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,267
Go on upstairs, Peg.
I'll be right up.
462
00:22:18,267 --> 00:22:19,133
Oh...
463
00:22:25,501 --> 00:22:27,834
You owe me big.
464
00:22:43,367 --> 00:22:47,300
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
9
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,133
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:38,868
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,868 --> 00:00:40,133
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,133 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,601
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:15,734 --> 00:01:19,267
* And at dinnertime
We stopped and walked back *
21
00:01:19,267 --> 00:01:23,634
*To the house to eat *
22
00:01:23,634 --> 00:01:27,634
* And mama hollered out
The backdoor y'all remember *
23
00:01:27,634 --> 00:01:31,534
* To wipe your feet *
24
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:34,767
* And then she said,
I got some news this mornin' *
25
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:39,901
* From Choctaw Ridge *
26
00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:42,601
* Today Billie Joe McAllister *
27
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:46,734
* Jumped off
The Tallahatchie bridge *
28
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:51,133
Harold,
this place stinks.
29
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:53,400
I don't know
why you took me here.
30
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,501
The air conditioner
isn't working,
31
00:01:55,501 --> 00:01:58,801
the room service
is terrible,
32
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:01,901
and will you listen
to that radio?
33
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:02,901
[TURNS RADIO OFF]
34
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:05,701
This place is a disgrace!
35
00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:07,467
It's a disgrace.
36
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:09,334
And what about
the towels?
37
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:11,567
I asked for towels.
38
00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:14,601
How come they don't
have towels in this place?
39
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,234
This place
is a disgrace!
40
00:02:17,234 --> 00:02:18,534
It's a disgrace.
41
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:20,567
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hmm.
42
00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:21,834
Finally.
43
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:24,200
Come in.
44
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,467
A disgrace.
45
00:02:29,234 --> 00:02:31,133
Where are the towels?
46
00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:33,100
I don't see any towels.
47
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:36,968
Wh-what is that
behind your back?
48
00:02:41,734 --> 00:02:42,734
What-- Hey!
49
00:02:42,734 --> 00:02:45,567
Aah!
50
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,467
Okay, it's vacation time.
51
00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:32,934
Peg, kids, we're going
to Poppy's by the Tree
52
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:37,167
in picturesque
Dumpwater, Florida.
53
00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:41,834
Show some excitement!
54
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:43,801
Well, I guess
it's up to me.
55
00:03:43,801 --> 00:03:44,834
Dad?
Yes, Bud?
56
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:46,868
I thought we all
voted on Hawaii?
57
00:03:46,868 --> 00:03:49,467
That was just a vote, Bud.
Didn't mean anything.
58
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,033
Al, honey,
you promised this year
59
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:55,000
we could take
a real vacation.
60
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,434
You know, someplace we don't
look out our windows
61
00:03:57,434 --> 00:04:00,634
and see chain
gangs working.
62
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:01,901
Come on, Peg.
63
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:05,634
We still sing those songs
we learned down there.
64
00:04:05,634 --> 00:04:07,667
But this year I found
something really special.
65
00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,868
Look at this brochure, Peg.
66
00:04:09,868 --> 00:04:12,734
This place has
everything Hawaii has.
67
00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:15,534
It's got sunshine,
a palm tree...
68
00:04:15,534 --> 00:04:18,100
uh, quicksand.
69
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:22,033
But the best part is,
it's in the United States.
70
00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:25,601
So are the sewers
of Manhattan, Dad.
71
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:28,801
Or am I spoiling
next year's vacation?
72
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:32,200
Al, we all appreciate your
efforts at finding
73
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,400
the cheapest places in America,
but Dumpwater, Florida, Al?
74
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,501
You're gonna judge a place
by its name?
75
00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:40,300
If we did that, we never
would have experienced
76
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:43,367
Six Toe,
Arkansas.
77
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,601
Remember that soup,
kids?
78
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:47,868
And don't forget those
underground fires.
79
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:50,367
Dumpwater's gonna make
Six Toe look sick.
80
00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:53,601
And the best part is,
it's only $8 a night.
81
00:04:53,601 --> 00:04:55,601
See that'll give us plenty
of extra money to...
82
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:57,267
Well, let's see...
83
00:04:57,267 --> 00:05:01,434
I don't know, but it'll
leave us plenty of money.
84
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:04,501
My decision is made.
85
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:07,834
Now, if people don't want
to go to Poppy's,
86
00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:09,901
we can use that money
to buy one of those
87
00:05:09,901 --> 00:05:12,734
soft toilet seats,
and make every day a vacation.
88
00:05:14,434 --> 00:05:15,868
Poppy's.
Poppy's.
89
00:05:15,868 --> 00:05:18,234
Well, kids,
it is near a nice tree.
90
00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:19,534
You betcha, Peg.
91
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:21,534
And the best part is--
92
00:05:21,534 --> 00:05:25,834
We're taking the family car.
93
00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:27,434
You betcha.
94
00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:30,434
And that way, we get
to see all the sights.
95
00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:32,400
You mean like the house
that defies gravity?
96
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,634
That's our first stop.
97
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:36,067
That was supposed to be
a surprise for the kids.
98
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,334
You didn't hear that, kids.
99
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:39,434
Uh, yeah, we did, Dad.
100
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:41,267
Actually, Dad,
101
00:05:41,267 --> 00:05:44,167
can we listen to the oldies
station all the way down?
102
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,367
Please?
We can.
103
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:49,167
Do we get to stop at Howard
Johnson's for Pez?
104
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,868
We do.
105
00:05:50,868 --> 00:05:52,801
And all the way
through speed-trap country,
106
00:05:52,801 --> 00:05:55,067
do I get to pretend
I'm in labor?
107
00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:56,267
You do.
108
00:05:56,267 --> 00:05:58,267
Now, kids, I want you
to go upstairs,
109
00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,167
lay out all the clothes
you want to take,
110
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:02,067
and keep this in mind--
111
00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:06,300
the first Howard Johnson's,
the Pez is on dad.
112
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,133
[DOORBELL RINGS]
113
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,868
That must be
Robin Leach.
114
00:06:13,767 --> 00:06:16,901
Can I get some
help here?
115
00:06:18,467 --> 00:06:21,067
Well, here it is.
116
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:23,534
But please be very careful
with our luggage.
117
00:06:23,534 --> 00:06:24,834
We just got it.
118
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:26,834
We'll treat it as
if it were our own.
119
00:06:26,834 --> 00:06:29,400
Then I can't let you have it.
120
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,701
Hey, she brought
the camera.
121
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,567
Oh, now,
Steve loves this camera.
122
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,634
Please be very careful
with it.
123
00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:36,701
[DOORBELL RINGS]
124
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,767
Hi, guys.
125
00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:44,601
I was just cleaning out the
garage and I found our luggage.
126
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:49,167
It's not the greatest,
but it's all we've got.
127
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,767
Someday we'll get good luggage,
but right now,
128
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:51,834
it will have to do.
129
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:54,167
And you're more
than welcome to it.
130
00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:58,734
Now, here's our camera.
131
00:06:58,734 --> 00:07:01,234
It's not much,
but it's all we've got.
132
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:05,167
You're more than welcome to--
133
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,667
Marcie, that's
our good luggage.
134
00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:09,534
You gave them
our good luggage?
135
00:07:09,534 --> 00:07:11,033
Smile!
136
00:07:11,033 --> 00:07:12,834
God, I hate them.
137
00:07:12,834 --> 00:07:16,000
So, where are
you headed?
138
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,067
Well, where's
the one place you would go
139
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,801
if you could go anywhere?
140
00:07:19,801 --> 00:07:20,934
Greece?
141
00:07:20,934 --> 00:07:24,701
That's right, we're going
to Dumpwater, Florida.
142
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:26,100
U.S. of A.
143
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:30,367
Dad, our clothes are all
ready for Stinkwater.
144
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,434
That's Dumpwater, kids.
145
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:36,067
Come here.
Peg, you, too.
146
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:39,367
Now, I know this is not your
first choice for a vacation.
147
00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:41,334
Does it show, Dad?
Shut up, Bud.
148
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:44,834
I'm trying to explain something
important to all of you.
149
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:48,100
Now, we're poor, so we're going
to Dumpwater, Florida.
150
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,901
But let's look
at the positive side.
151
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:52,267
It's a week where you
don't have to go to school.
152
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,601
It's a week where I don't
have to go to work.
153
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:56,400
And Peg...
154
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,801
well, every day's
a vacation to you,
155
00:07:57,801 --> 00:07:59,501
so what am I talking
to you for?
156
00:07:59,501 --> 00:08:01,734
Now let's see some smiles,
157
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:06,400
because tomorrow,
the memories begin.
158
00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,801
[CAR ENGINE RUNNING]
159
00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:17,367
AL: Who wants Pez?
160
00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:20,434
BUD: Aw, leave us alone.
161
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,534
AL: Well, there it is-- The
biggest sinkhole in the south.
162
00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:33,534
We're really seeing
America now, eh, kids?
163
00:08:33,534 --> 00:08:34,934
BUD: Aww.
164
00:08:34,934 --> 00:08:37,234
AL: What's wrong
with you people?
165
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:42,667
AL: Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream--
166
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,567
Everybody!
167
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:48,100
PEG, BUD, KELLY:
Leave us alone.
168
00:08:49,033 --> 00:08:51,567
[POLICE SIREN]
169
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:57,033
PEG: Yes, officer, I'm due
to give birth any minute.
170
00:08:57,033 --> 00:09:00,534
No, an escort to the hospital
won't be necessary, officer.
171
00:09:00,534 --> 00:09:03,133
We want our child
to be born in Florida.
172
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,200
Dumpwater, Florida.
173
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:13,901
PEG:
Where are the kids?
174
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,100
[TIRES SCREECH]
175
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:41,000
Hot.
176
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,033
Hot.
177
00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:43,601
Hot.
178
00:09:43,601 --> 00:09:46,000
Who you think's gonna
get killed this time?
179
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,801
We're here!
180
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:58,267
Let the good times roll!
181
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:05,267
Looks better than the brochure,
doesn't it, Peg?
182
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,501
Hey, Jethro.
183
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:08,534
You wanna get a picture
of me and the family?
184
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,167
Yeah.
185
00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:12,634
They'll be wanting one
for the paper.
186
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,467
Just say, "gator bait."
187
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:27,400
Ah, smell that air.
188
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,234
I'll open a window, sir.
189
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,534
Excuse me, sir.
190
00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:35,501
Uh, in your brochure it said
that you have a TV.
191
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:38,133
Yes, ma'am,
but not in the rooms.
192
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:40,067
We meant the town has one.
193
00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:42,467
Aw, gee, Al.
194
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,601
No TV.
195
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,634
I guess that means
we'll just have to...
196
00:10:45,634 --> 00:10:48,400
entertain ourselves
at night.
197
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,400
Well, who has it,
and how far is it?
198
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,434
Where do we sleep,
out behind the still?
199
00:10:55,434 --> 00:10:57,868
She must of been mighty
scared once,
200
00:10:57,868 --> 00:11:00,968
for her hair to have turned
white at such a young age.
201
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,634
Right through this door.
202
00:11:05,934 --> 00:11:09,100
Aw, hey. I asked
for the twin beds.
203
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:10,701
Dad, I don't think these
are exact twins.
204
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:13,434
One has a lawnmower
on it.
205
00:11:13,434 --> 00:11:15,601
Well, enjoy your stay, folks.
206
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:17,234
And remember our motto:
207
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:21,667
"If we don't have it, you should
have brought it with you."
208
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:25,400
And remember our motto:
"We don't have it."
209
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,634
Well, kids,
what do you think?
210
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:32,033
I think that if I can get
a rope over that beam,
211
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,801
that I can hang myself.
212
00:11:34,801 --> 00:11:36,000
I'll help you find one.
213
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,400
[DOOR SLAMS]
214
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:44,567
What's the matter
with everybody?
215
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:46,434
We're all mad at you, Al.
216
00:11:46,434 --> 00:11:48,067
We wanted to go to Hawaii.
217
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:49,934
Ah, what's so great
about Hawaii?
218
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:52,601
The sun shines down here too.
219
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,200
But look what it lights up.
220
00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:57,467
It's--
It's just different.
221
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,834
It's...
222
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:00,801
It's $8 a night, Peg.
223
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:02,200
Couldn't you learn to like it?
224
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,601
Well...okay, I'll try.
225
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,033
But you know you got to admit
226
00:12:07,033 --> 00:12:09,367
there is something weird
about this place.
227
00:12:09,367 --> 00:12:11,400
I mean the people,
the way they look at you...
228
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,734
like you're dinner.
229
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,167
That's ridiculous, Peg.
230
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,467
There's nobody looking at us.
231
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,767
I tell you,
this place is fine.
232
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,100
Your problem
is you're a city girl.
233
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,567
You don't know
how to unwind.
234
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:36,133
Or keep house or get a job
or bring any money home.
235
00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:39,334
Now, eh, let's look
at our complimentary
236
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:43,234
Dumpwater Floridian and see
what the town has to offer.
237
00:12:43,234 --> 00:12:45,901
Uh...where's
the entertainment section?
238
00:12:45,901 --> 00:12:48,968
Ah.
Page two.
239
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:51,434
Here we go.
240
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:52,701
Oh, look.
241
00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:57,434
There's a two-headed pickled
goat down by the courthouse.
242
00:12:57,434 --> 00:12:58,534
Oh, Al.
243
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:01,434
Let's do something
we can't do at home.
244
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:03,200
Fine. How about looking
for a good meal?
245
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,067
Let's not argue.
246
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:08,334
As pathetic as it is,
you are my husband,
247
00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:10,133
and this is
our vacation.
248
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:11,501
That's the spirit, Peg.
249
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:14,367
Ah...look here.
250
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:15,367
Tonight at the high school--
251
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,901
"Meet the man
who met Andy Griffith."
252
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,100
Are you that jaded, Peg?
253
00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:24,934
Hi.
254
00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:27,434
I brought you some towels
and some T.P.
255
00:13:27,434 --> 00:13:29,501
Didn't you see the
"Do not disturb" sign?
256
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:32,200
Oh, we just put that out
as a nicety.
257
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,934
I mean, nobody
here's gonna disturb you.
258
00:13:37,534 --> 00:13:39,567
I'll just put the T.P.
in the B.R.
259
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:40,968
No, no.
260
00:13:40,968 --> 00:13:42,234
Not over there.
261
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:45,534
Could you put it down
over there?
262
00:13:52,033 --> 00:13:54,133
You look like a nice couple.
263
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:56,400
Oh, you too.
264
00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:05,734
I picked this towel
special for you.
265
00:14:05,734 --> 00:14:08,767
Don't tell anybody
that I gave it to you.
266
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:11,501
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
267
00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:13,400
Gee, I don't know.
268
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,434
Al, you want her
to bend over again
269
00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:20,868
you know, to pick up
your tongue or anything?
270
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:23,133
Peg, just stand there and age.
271
00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:24,701
I'm busy.
272
00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:28,200
Let me get the door
for you.
273
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,667
Your husband really
is sweet.
274
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,567
Hm. That must be why
the flies love him.
275
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:45,667
Don't you forget to use
that special towel now.
276
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,467
She's out the door, Al.
277
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:51,868
Gee, this is nice here.
278
00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:53,334
Let's move here.
279
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:56,000
Well, you just keep pulling
in those big bucks,
280
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,934
and in 100 years, maybe we can
afford a shack just like this.
281
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,734
You're jealous because
you don't have a special towel.
282
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:05,734
Oh, why don't you
take a shower
283
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:09,834
and wash off
that special odor.
284
00:15:09,834 --> 00:15:11,634
You know, Peg, I don't know
what's so special
285
00:15:11,634 --> 00:15:13,033
about this towel.
286
00:15:13,033 --> 00:15:15,000
We'll steal it anyway.
287
00:15:19,968 --> 00:15:22,234
"3 a.m."
288
00:15:22,234 --> 00:15:23,501
"3 a.m."
289
00:15:23,501 --> 00:15:25,100
Damn, I had 3 a.m.
last time.
290
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:29,934
Hell, we always find
the bodies before 3 a.m.
291
00:15:29,934 --> 00:15:32,767
Here's my dollar.
292
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,534
All right!
Midnight.
293
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:38,300
ALL: Ooh.
294
00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:41,501
Hey, Becky.
295
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:43,234
You want in?
296
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,234
Still a couple of times
left in the lottery.
297
00:15:45,234 --> 00:15:47,367
No!
298
00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:49,400
I think it's terrible you
betting on what time
299
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,033
that poor obnoxious
family's going to get chopped
300
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,801
into little bitty pieces.
301
00:15:53,801 --> 00:15:57,601
And for what, $20?
302
00:15:57,601 --> 00:15:59,200
It's up to 25.
303
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,300
I'm in.
304
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,167
Show us.
What you got?
305
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,467
Shh!
306
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,200
It's the youngun's.
307
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:25,667
That poor little
white-haired girl.
308
00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:28,367
You'd think she'd
throw some dye on it.
309
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,734
Can I help you?
310
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:34,067
Yeah, is there
any actual food here,
311
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:37,167
or do I just stand by a bug
light with my mouth open?
312
00:16:38,634 --> 00:16:40,734
Hey, even bumpkins
have feelings, Kell.
313
00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:42,000
What do you want?
314
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,868
A bus ticket
and a real family,
315
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:47,300
but for now, I'll settle
for a couple burgers.
316
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,434
Two burgers, Beanie!
317
00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:54,734
How about you?
318
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:55,767
Is he the cook?
319
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:57,100
Yep.
320
00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:00,300
I'll have a coke.
321
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:02,434
Unopened.
322
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:07,067
Well, Bud.
323
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,133
Here we are.
324
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:10,767
Another great Bundy vacation.
325
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:13,634
You know, other kids, they get
to go to Europe or Hawaii.
326
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:14,801
No.
327
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,567
We get to go to Hee-haw.
328
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:22,801
There's not another
human being for mi-- Hello.
329
00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:24,400
See you in a week.
330
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,400
Where are you going?
331
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,868
To get buns for my burger.
332
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:32,167
Hey Kell, Mom and Dad said not
to wander off without them.
333
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:34,701
Mom will understand.
334
00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:48,767
Thanks, Kell.
That's real nice.
335
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:51,634
Leave me
with the tree people.
336
00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:56,767
Your drink's ready.
337
00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:59,834
I'm going to go ax
the burgers now.
338
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:01,334
Fine.
339
00:18:01,334 --> 00:18:04,300
There won't be any screaming,
will there?
340
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:27,367
To Dixie!
341
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:36,200
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
342
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,167
I wasn't scared.
343
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:42,601
It was a...reflex
action from the war.
344
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:44,400
Sit down.
345
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:51,167
So, uh, you don't smell like
everybody else around here.
346
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:52,467
Well, thank you.
347
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:54,801
They say you're
from Chicago.
348
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,000
Yep. Chicago.
Chi-town.
349
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,968
The Windy City.
350
00:18:59,968 --> 00:19:02,501
My kind of town.
351
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,200
It must be exciting.
352
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:09,934
Well, it is for me.
I'm a cop.
353
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:10,934
Bundy.
354
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:11,934
Bud Bundy.
355
00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:13,701
Chicago Vice.
356
00:19:13,701 --> 00:19:14,934
Really?
357
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:16,000
I'm also a millionaire.
358
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,167
See, I made my money--
There he is.
359
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:24,067
Oh, Bud, did you take
your milk of magnesia?
360
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:25,167
He didn't.
361
00:19:26,234 --> 00:19:27,467
Bud.
362
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,467
How do you expect to get rid
of that constipation
363
00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:31,567
if you won't
take your laxatives.
364
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:37,367
Hey, Bud, you made
a little friend, huh?
365
00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:38,367
Yeah, and you can help.
366
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:40,334
You got any pictures
of me on the potty
367
00:19:40,334 --> 00:19:41,601
you'd like to show her?
368
00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:43,634
Well, excuse us,
Mr. Sensitive.
369
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,501
Have you seen
your sister?
370
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:54,868
No, thank you.
I don't drink.
371
00:19:54,868 --> 00:19:56,834
Mom, Dad, I didn't know
you guys were here.
372
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:58,534
[BURP]
373
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,601
What's going on?
374
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:05,200
Well, we were
gonna go for a walk,
375
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,434
but we heard
on the radio it might rain.
376
00:20:07,434 --> 00:20:11,834
Hey, goob,
that radio upstairs stinks.
377
00:20:11,834 --> 00:20:13,567
Now I'm paying $8 American,
all right?.
378
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:15,367
Get one of these guys
out of the pigpen
379
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,234
and let's get
that thing working, huh?
380
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:19,968
Hey, who wants
some down-home cooking?
381
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,767
Hey, Elmo, vittles
for the family.
382
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:25,801
Uh, Al, honey, maybe you
should be a little nicer
383
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:26,801
to these people.
384
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,000
I don't think
they like us.
385
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,033
Hey, Peg, I get
yelled at all year long.
386
00:20:31,033 --> 00:20:32,701
Now this is my money
and my vacation.
387
00:20:32,701 --> 00:20:34,434
My turn to be
the customer.
388
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:36,167
But Al, it's obnoxious.
389
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:37,601
So what?
390
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:40,000
What can they do,
kill us?
391
00:20:44,434 --> 00:20:47,667
ALL SINGING:
* I got a shotgun, a rifle
And a four-wheel drive *
392
00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:51,667
* A country boy can survive **
393
00:20:53,634 --> 00:20:56,667
You know I have to admit,
Al, you were right.
394
00:20:56,667 --> 00:21:00,734
Treat people like scum, and they
just can't do enough for you.
395
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:04,100
I mean, everybody
was so friendly to us.
396
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:07,868
It was as if tonight
were our last night on Earth.
397
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,000
[THUNDER BOOMS]
398
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,601
You're starting to like
it here, aren't you?
399
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:11,934
ALL:
Yeah.
400
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:14,267
Dad, can we go down to the
high school tomorrow night
401
00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:16,200
and meet the man who met
Andy Griffith?
402
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,033
Since when do you
like Andy Griffith?
403
00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:22,534
Since Gloria
wants to go.
404
00:21:22,534 --> 00:21:24,334
Bud's in love.
405
00:21:24,334 --> 00:21:26,234
I am not.
He's blushing, mom.
406
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:28,901
She's pregnant, Dad.
407
00:21:28,901 --> 00:21:30,801
Am not!
408
00:21:30,801 --> 00:21:33,467
Well, then I guess
it's just your beer belly.
409
00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:35,734
Now, kids, we can
do this at home.
410
00:21:35,734 --> 00:21:38,601
Go to bed, and then we'll
decide what to do tomorrow.
411
00:21:39,868 --> 00:21:41,167
[THUNDER BOOMS]
412
00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:45,133
Oh, Al, our kids are really
growing up fast.
413
00:21:45,133 --> 00:21:47,601
Soon they won't need us
for anything.
414
00:21:47,601 --> 00:21:49,767
How soon, Peg?
415
00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:53,033
Not soon enough.
416
00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:56,200
You know, honey, it really
is kind of romantic here.
417
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,400
With the rain beating
against the window,
418
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,334
the wind whistling
through the trees.
419
00:22:02,334 --> 00:22:04,033
Uh-oh.
420
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:11,601
Comfortable, Al?
421
00:22:11,601 --> 00:22:13,734
Does it matter, Peg?
422
00:22:13,734 --> 00:22:14,868
Not really.
423
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:18,534
Aw, Peg, this was supposed
to be my vacation.
424
00:22:18,534 --> 00:22:20,634
Get to work, Al.
425
00:22:20,634 --> 00:22:23,901
All right.
Get my Dramamine.
426
00:22:25,234 --> 00:22:26,501
Aah!
Aah!
427
00:22:44,467 --> 00:22:48,334
[***]1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:07,334
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:33,534
* Without the other *
9
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,000
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,601
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,601 --> 00:00:40,133
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,133 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,567
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,033
NARRATOR: Last week on
Married...with Children...
21
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:19,801
What is that behind
your back?
22
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:21,934
WOMAN: What-- Ohh!
23
00:01:21,934 --> 00:01:23,133
WOMAN: Aah!
24
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:25,100
Yep. Somebody sure
doesn't like tourists.
25
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:28,167
He chops them up in 1972...
26
00:01:28,167 --> 00:01:30,667
and 1977...
27
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:33,067
and 1982. Yep.
28
00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,467
Every five years.
29
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:37,133
Who you think's gonna
get killed this time?
30
00:01:38,667 --> 00:01:41,000
We're here!
31
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,567
NARRATOR:
Nobody really likes Poppy's,
but Al's happy anywhere.
32
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:45,567
Look here.
33
00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:46,901
"Tonight at the high school,
34
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:49,434
meet the man
who met Andy Griffith."
35
00:01:52,534 --> 00:01:56,667
NARRATOR:
Peggy is harder to please.
36
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,100
Comfortable, Al?
37
00:01:58,100 --> 00:02:00,567
Does it matter, Peg?
38
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:02,067
Not really.
39
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:05,367
Aw, Peg, this was supposed
to be my vacation.
40
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,968
Get to work, Al.
41
00:02:07,968 --> 00:02:10,767
All right.
Get my Dramamine.
42
00:02:11,801 --> 00:02:14,000
Aaah!
Aaah!
43
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,067
NARRATOR: And now,
the Bundy vacation continues.
44
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,767
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
45
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:24,901
Kids, come on!
46
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:26,501
Kelly, where's Bud?
47
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,100
He was listening
behind the door.
48
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:33,234
Oh, oh!
Come on, Bud,
Kelly, we have--
49
00:02:33,234 --> 00:02:35,300
Oh, oh!
Will you shut up?
50
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:37,167
Kids, get dressed.
51
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:38,868
We're leaving.
But we like it here.
52
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:42,133
Suit yourself.
Peg.
53
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:44,434
Al, we are not
leaving the children.
54
00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:45,667
Well what's wrong?
55
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,067
There's someone
in our room.
56
00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:49,267
That's him!
57
00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:51,300
ALL: Aaah!
58
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,133
Help!
59
00:03:04,133 --> 00:03:05,367
Help!
60
00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:06,767
Peg, do something.
61
00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:09,601
Aah!
62
00:03:09,601 --> 00:03:10,801
All right,
we need a plan.
63
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:11,868
Here's what we do.
64
00:03:11,868 --> 00:03:13,467
We get in the car
and drive home.
65
00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:16,133
That's it, that's the plan.
Let's go!
66
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,601
ALL:
Aaah!
67
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,934
Who could have cut
our tires?
68
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:27,200
Oh, well, let's see.
69
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,834
Who do we know that's insane
and has a sharp object.
70
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,767
Grandma?
71
00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:35,200
Dad, would this be
a bad time to remind you?
72
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,734
We all voted for Hawaii.
73
00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:38,567
You know, Bud, there's still
an opening for someone
74
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:41,133
to go upstairs
and get our bags.
75
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:43,167
Uh, Dad?
Oh, what?!
76
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,601
There's a phone
behind you.
77
00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:46,434
You might want to share
this with the police.
78
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:48,234
I'm just tell them
that we're in this dump
79
00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:49,501
and if you have the time
80
00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:51,434
why don't you tell them
there's a killer upstairs!
81
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,701
See?
There's a team player.
82
00:03:55,701 --> 00:03:57,000
[CLICKING LEVER]
83
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,067
Hello, operator?
84
00:03:58,067 --> 00:03:59,200
Operator!
85
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,601
Hello!
86
00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:03,234
The phone's dead.
87
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:05,067
Okay, I know how
to buy us some time.
88
00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:08,601
We'll tie Kelly up,
and leave her as an offering.
89
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:11,601
Uh-uh.
Last born, first torn.
90
00:04:11,601 --> 00:04:13,467
Don't move.
91
00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:17,167
I love you, Al.
92
00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,667
Who cares?
We're going to die.
93
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,801
What are you folks doing?
94
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:29,534
Wetting ourselves.
95
00:04:29,534 --> 00:04:31,534
Someone tried to kill us
in our room.
96
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:34,000
Oh, yeah.
97
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,934
Must've been the guy
who does that every five years.
98
00:04:36,934 --> 00:04:39,834
That wasn't
in the brochure, Al.
99
00:04:39,834 --> 00:04:41,834
The storm washed
the bridge out.
100
00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:44,467
That means the killer
is stuck right here with us.
101
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:47,300
Got him right
where I want him.
102
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:50,334
Well, might as well
go back to bed now.
103
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:52,701
Oh, if you folks see
him again, just holler.
104
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,634
I'll try and find you.
105
00:04:56,234 --> 00:05:00,534
There goes the only man in town
who can save us from the killer.
106
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,567
We're dead.
107
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:05,667
Well, maybe this is just one
of those mystery weekends.
108
00:05:05,667 --> 00:05:07,367
There's no mystery, Mom.
109
00:05:07,367 --> 00:05:09,501
Dad was just too cheap
to take us someplace nice,
110
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:10,834
and we're going
to be butchered.
111
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,300
Thank your father, kids.
112
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:15,968
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
113
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:17,934
Okay,
family meeting.
114
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,767
All right, now, let's discuss
what we know already.
115
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:26,133
We're trapped by a killer,
the phones are dead,
116
00:05:26,133 --> 00:05:29,334
and the sheriff couldn't
catch an M&M in his mouth.
117
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:32,067
So it looks like it's left
up to us to survive.
118
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,901
Now, what we need is a weapon.
Any weapons?
119
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,901
How about Bud's underwear
on a stick?
120
00:05:40,033 --> 00:05:42,434
That's a good thought, Kelly,
but we can't get to our clothes.
121
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:44,100
Well, here's
a plastic fork, Al.
122
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,467
That's good enough.
123
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:48,200
Now, here's what
we're gonna do.
124
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,200
We're gonna sit
with our backs to each other
125
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,133
so no one
can sneak up on us.
126
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:54,400
Now, we'll set up a watch.
127
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,100
We'll take turns,
I'll take the first watch.
128
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:59,567
Now, I think I can stay up all
night, but if I get sleepy,
129
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,734
I'll wake you up.
130
00:06:00,734 --> 00:06:02,501
Now, be careful, Al.
131
00:06:02,501 --> 00:06:04,968
Don't worry about me.
I got the fork.
132
00:06:18,567 --> 00:06:20,834
Well, this is certainly
a fine how-do-you-do.
133
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:22,834
They're alive.
134
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,367
What happens to our pool?
135
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:27,834
I guess we just roll it
over till tonight.
136
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,067
CROWD: Yeah.
137
00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,901
Think we should
we wake them up?
138
00:06:30,901 --> 00:06:32,100
It's almost noon.
139
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:35,300
Don't startle the poor
little white-haired girl.
140
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:39,100
I read them albinos
are real skittish.
141
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,267
Be careful.
142
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:45,167
The one with the powerful feet
got a fork in his pants.
143
00:06:47,434 --> 00:06:48,601
Hey, Bundy, get up.
144
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,801
Peg, kids, get up.
145
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:55,801
It's safe.
146
00:06:55,801 --> 00:06:57,200
Thanks to me.
147
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,133
Al, why didn't you wake us
for our watch?
148
00:07:00,133 --> 00:07:03,968
Hey, the lion
watches over his cubs.
149
00:07:03,968 --> 00:07:06,267
Oh, the sheriff said to tell you
150
00:07:06,267 --> 00:07:08,234
he didn't find
nothing in your room.
151
00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:10,701
It's safe to go back up.
152
00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:12,434
Uh, excuse me, everybody.
153
00:07:12,434 --> 00:07:14,167
I don't mean
to interrupt your meal.
154
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,033
But I would just
like to say thanks
155
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,701
for rushing to our aid as
I was screaming into the night.
156
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:19,701
Does everybody
realize that
157
00:07:19,701 --> 00:07:21,501
we were almost
killed last night?
158
00:07:21,501 --> 00:07:24,167
Yeah, sure do.
159
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,033
Oh, well, then maybe
I'm boring you.
160
00:07:27,033 --> 00:07:28,934
Isn't anybody else scared?
161
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:30,334
No...
162
00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:33,434
You see, there is this axe
wielding maniac on the loose.
163
00:07:33,434 --> 00:07:36,634
Sometimes they
can hurt you.
164
00:07:36,634 --> 00:07:40,167
Won't hurt us.
He just kills tourists.
165
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:43,667
11 since 1962.
166
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:46,234
Family meeting.
167
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,100
We're out of here.
168
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,601
Al, may I remind you
that somebody
169
00:07:50,601 --> 00:07:53,100
has slashed our tires,
the bridge is washed out,
170
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:58,801
and somewhere in Honolulu,
there's a family going, "Ahh."
171
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:01,234
You can't let it alone,
can you Peg?
172
00:08:01,234 --> 00:08:03,467
Now this is nice.
"Why can't we go to Hawaii?"
173
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:04,901
"Why did we have to come here?"
174
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,033
"Why do we have
to take this car?"
175
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:08,801
You know, standing here
with my loving family,
176
00:08:08,801 --> 00:08:09,868
I have a question.
177
00:08:09,868 --> 00:08:12,267
Why am I running
from the axe?
178
00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:17,267
You're right, Al.
179
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:19,434
I'm sorry to keep
harping at you.
180
00:08:19,434 --> 00:08:22,200
I mean, sure there's
a maniac stalking us,
181
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,767
but what about
all these nice people
182
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:26,667
and the raw beauty
that is Poppy's?
183
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:29,968
Oh, God,
I feel so low.
184
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,767
It's beautiful
here, Al.
185
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:33,133
I'm having a blast.
186
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:34,534
Thank your father, kids.
187
00:08:34,534 --> 00:08:37,133
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
188
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:41,133
And, Al,
you are an idiot.
189
00:08:41,133 --> 00:08:43,534
So, let's go pack,
steal a canoe,
190
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,167
and get the hell
out of here.
191
00:08:47,567 --> 00:08:49,400
That's right, envy me.
192
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,300
That's my wife,
those are my kids,
193
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:54,934
and I sell women's shoes.
194
00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,901
What am I worried about?
I was dead before I got here.
195
00:09:02,634 --> 00:09:04,634
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
196
00:09:04,634 --> 00:09:07,601
What if the killer
is inside waiting for us?
197
00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:10,067
All right, someone's got
to be the brave one.
198
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,300
I'll stay back
with the kids.
199
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,501
Peg, check the room.
200
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:16,033
Uh-uh, Al.
You got the fork.
201
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,868
Ah, it's always me.
202
00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:19,067
I work.
I pay the bills.
203
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,234
And who's the first
to die?
204
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:22,734
Daddy.
205
00:09:23,634 --> 00:09:26,667
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
206
00:09:30,634 --> 00:09:32,601
Heh, heh!
207
00:09:37,467 --> 00:09:39,267
Heh, heh!
208
00:09:40,534 --> 00:09:42,868
Heh, heh!
209
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:48,501
It's safe.
210
00:09:49,901 --> 00:09:51,934
You're welcome.
211
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:53,100
All right.
Pack everything.
212
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:54,634
We'll leave
the doors unlocked.
213
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:56,434
Peg.
214
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:59,467
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
215
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,968
Heh, heh!
216
00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:16,968
Ha, ha!
217
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,467
It's safe.
Okay.
218
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:23,968
Steal everything
that's not tied down.
219
00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:28,667
Pack up. We'll go downstairs,
get a refund, hit the road.
220
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,534
Oh, uh, pack this.
221
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:32,200
We can always use a fork.
222
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,534
And don't forget
my special towel.
223
00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:38,801
I'll get the luggage.
224
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:42,133
Aah!
225
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:43,801
Aah!
226
00:10:44,734 --> 00:10:46,167
Stop him!
Stop him!
227
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,167
Stop him!
228
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:48,801
Al, you forgot your fork!
229
00:10:48,801 --> 00:10:51,100
Somebody grab him!
He's the killer!
230
00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:56,834
Got a killer here!
231
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:58,501
Got a killer here!
232
00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:00,501
Thank you!
233
00:11:00,501 --> 00:11:01,901
Aah!
234
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:03,634
The killer stepped
on my foot.
235
00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:12,234
Thanks a hell
of a lot, guys.
236
00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:16,067
Did I catch the killer
at a bad time for you?
237
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:18,734
Bundy? What the hell are
you doing with poor Delbert?
238
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:20,067
Come on, Delbert.
239
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,400
Lock him up, sheriff.
The rough stuff's all over.
240
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,501
He's the killer.
241
00:11:23,501 --> 00:11:28,033
I got him with
old dynamite and iron.
242
00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:30,300
But that's Delbert.
243
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,534
So you don't arrest
Delberts down here?
244
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:36,534
What is he, sacred?
The guy was in my closet.
245
00:11:36,534 --> 00:11:41,367
Now, Delbert, what were you
doing in this man's closet?
246
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:45,667
Come on, Delbert.
I know your ma.
247
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:50,400
I just wanted
his camera.
248
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,334
Now what do you say, Delbert?
Come on.
249
00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:55,934
I'm sorry.
250
00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:58,734
Now go on home.
Go on.
251
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:05,601
Being a little rough
on him, aren't you sheriff?
252
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:11,100
He's no killer,
just one of them kleptos.
253
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,868
Hell, he's my deputy.
254
00:12:12,868 --> 00:12:14,601
He was with me last night.
255
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,367
Oh, thanks, Roy.
256
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:18,834
Here's your camera.
257
00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:21,400
Now go back to sleep,
258
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,801
enjoy the rest
of your vacation, and relax.
259
00:12:24,801 --> 00:12:27,634
Me and Delbert's
on the case.
260
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:29,534
Look, that guy's a killer.
261
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:31,801
I know it, you know it,
and them--
262
00:12:31,801 --> 00:12:33,100
Well,
if Darwin was right,
263
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,567
they'll know it in
about a million years.
264
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,167
Now, me?
I'm taking my family
265
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:40,501
and I'm going back
to Chicago
266
00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:42,701
where I die just
a little each day.
267
00:12:45,901 --> 00:12:48,434
Peg! Kids!
Let's go!
268
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,367
What happened, Dad?
269
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:53,534
Oh, I was a big hero.
I caught the killer.
270
00:12:53,534 --> 00:12:54,968
And the townspeople
cheered
271
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:57,868
and let him go
because he's a Delbert.
272
00:12:57,868 --> 00:12:59,000
Our vacation's over.
273
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,667
Let's go.
274
00:13:02,601 --> 00:13:03,901
Uh, Dad?
275
00:13:03,901 --> 00:13:05,334
I think we're
missing something.
276
00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:07,734
Well, leave it here,
we'll have them send it to us.
277
00:13:07,734 --> 00:13:09,968
It's Mom, Dad.
278
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:13,501
Oh, yeah.
279
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,868
I was wondering why
I was carrying the bags.
280
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:20,334
Where'd she go?
281
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,267
Now, don't get nervous.
282
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:33,934
I'm sure if anybody
has your mother,
283
00:13:33,934 --> 00:13:36,934
he won't keep her long.
284
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:39,567
Now, we'll go down
in the lobby and look for her.
285
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:41,100
If she's not there,
I'll find her.
286
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,701
You stay in the lobby
with the mouth breathers.
287
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,200
Let's go.
288
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,734
[GAGGED SPEECH]
289
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:54,067
Why am I doing this?
290
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,267
Revenge.
291
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:56,267
Mm.
292
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:58,367
Not just against you.
293
00:13:58,367 --> 00:14:00,000
All tourists.
294
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,601
See, my daddy used
to own this place.
295
00:14:02,601 --> 00:14:04,200
Mama didn't want him
to buy it,
296
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:08,501
but nobody
ever listened to mama.
297
00:14:08,501 --> 00:14:11,300
[GAGGED SPEECH]
298
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,601
Yeah. Daddy had a weak heart,
but did the tourists care?
299
00:14:14,601 --> 00:14:17,334
No. "Give me some towels.
It's too hot. It's too cold"
300
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:18,334
"You call this food?"
301
00:14:18,334 --> 00:14:20,634
"We should have gone
to Hawaii."
302
00:14:22,901 --> 00:14:25,567
Dad finally collapsed bringing
some fat woman a burger
303
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:27,968
in the middle of the night.
304
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:31,000
Mama committed suicide
shortly thereafter.
305
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,234
Aw...
306
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:36,133
Right in this room.
307
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:39,100
They left me all alone
to take care of myself.
308
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,667
A little kid of 20.
309
00:14:43,234 --> 00:14:45,934
And that's how I been
ever since, alone.
310
00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:48,801
My parents lost their lives
taking care of others.
311
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:51,334
Now who's going
to take care of me?
312
00:14:51,334 --> 00:14:54,367
[GAGGED SPEECH]
313
00:14:58,234 --> 00:14:59,567
What?
314
00:14:59,567 --> 00:15:02,367
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
315
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,968
Oh. Please.
Please, Mr. Maniac.
316
00:15:05,968 --> 00:15:08,167
Don't kill me.
I'll take care of you.
317
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,534
Oh, yeah, sure.
318
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,501
You tourists, you can't
even take care of yourselves.
319
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:12,634
No, no, no, no.
320
00:15:12,634 --> 00:15:15,334
Believe me.
I'm really good at, uh...
321
00:15:15,334 --> 00:15:18,100
uh, what do you
call that stuff?
322
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,100
Housework?
323
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:21,033
That's it.
324
00:15:21,033 --> 00:15:22,901
I don't know.
325
00:15:22,901 --> 00:15:25,100
I like my place clean.
326
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,934
I was born to clean.
327
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,767
Dusting?
I'm the best.
328
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,400
Polishing?
Legend.
329
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,033
And, uh, what do you
call those things
330
00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:35,534
you know that you push across
the rug and they go, whrr?
331
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,300
A vacuum?
332
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:41,200
I feel naked without one.
333
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,000
Then you'll definitely have one.
334
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,000
What about sewing?
335
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,801
What about it?
Do you do it?
336
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:48,033
Happily.
Washing?
337
00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:51,067
Your clothes?
I'd be proud.
338
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:53,567
Blood stains,
no problem.
339
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:54,701
How about cooking?
340
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:58,367
Oh, now we are really
talking my life.
341
00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:01,901
Yep, just put me in front
of a hot stove on a summer day,
342
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:05,968
four burners going,
grease splattering into my face,
343
00:16:05,968 --> 00:16:09,133
mixing with all the sweat.
344
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:10,267
Who am I kidding?
345
00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:12,067
I don't do any of that stuff.
346
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,400
I don't do anything.
347
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,601
I'm a housewife, damn it!
348
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,334
But look, I feel sorry for you.
349
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:21,300
I know what it is
to be alone.
350
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,734
I have a husband
and two kids.
351
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:26,434
But I don't go
around killing them.
352
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:30,234
I might if
I didn't have a TV.
353
00:16:30,234 --> 00:16:33,300
You know, that could be
the answer for you, too.
354
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:38,534
Look, the next time you get this
killing urge, just do as I do.
355
00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:41,801
Grab yourself some bonbons,
take the phone off the hook,
356
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:44,634
pick up the old remote control,
and remember,
357
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:47,968
don't kill,
watch Phil.
358
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:51,100
I hate Phil.
359
00:16:51,934 --> 00:16:53,133
You are sick.
360
00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:59,701
Yeah, but I'm going
to be alive in the morning.
361
00:17:00,234 --> 00:17:02,033
Peg!
362
00:17:02,033 --> 00:17:04,033
Peggy!
363
00:17:04,033 --> 00:17:05,534
Oh!
364
00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:06,834
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
365
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:09,634
I didn't mean to bother you
while you were dressing.
366
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,868
Have you seen a tall,
redheaded woman?
367
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:18,300
I forget her name right now,
but the kids call her mom.
368
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:24,467
It's Peggy.
369
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:26,567
Peg!
370
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:27,834
Peggy!
371
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,267
That's your future
late husband.
372
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:30,567
I'll hide
behind the door.
373
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:31,634
You call him.
374
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,467
I will not.
375
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:35,601
Okay, then I'll
kill you first.
376
00:17:35,601 --> 00:17:38,000
Al! Yoo-hoo!
377
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,234
Honey, I-- I'm in here.
378
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:46,734
Peg!
379
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:47,901
Who did this to you?
380
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:50,067
Tell me!
381
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:51,567
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
382
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,801
It doesn't matter.
We're going home.
383
00:17:52,801 --> 00:17:54,033
I tell you this--
384
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:56,033
I don't think we're ever
coming back to this place.
385
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,234
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
386
00:17:57,234 --> 00:17:58,334
Let me untie this.
387
00:17:58,334 --> 00:17:59,934
You know, I kind of
like you this way.
388
00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:01,267
I think we'll
take this home.
389
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:02,734
What are you trying
to say?
390
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:04,801
Aah!
Aah!
391
00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:08,968
Help me, Peg.
Help me.
392
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:10,734
Help me, Peg.
393
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,834
I'll cook for whoever wins!
394
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:13,834
[THUD]
395
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:15,734
Al! Al!
396
00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:18,934
Ah! Ah! Help me, Peg.
Help me.
397
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:24,200
Help me, Peg.
Help me, Peg. Help me.
398
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,968
Come on, Peg.
399
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:28,534
Run! Run, Peg! Run!
400
00:18:35,234 --> 00:18:37,000
Yep, yep, yep.
401
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,901
Ever hear of the drink
Coca-cola?
402
00:18:38,901 --> 00:18:41,534
Yeah.
403
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:43,634
Will you stop it?
404
00:18:43,634 --> 00:18:46,567
That's the first time
you've said those words, Kel.
405
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:47,834
Ugh!
406
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,234
He's an idiot.
407
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:50,734
Huh?
408
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:53,767
That's right, dear.
409
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:58,467
Anyhow, you ever hear
of Chevrolet?
410
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,534
PEG:
Aah!
411
00:19:00,534 --> 00:19:01,667
That's Mom.
412
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:03,601
AL:
Aah!
413
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,567
That's Dad!
414
00:19:14,534 --> 00:19:17,300
Help me, Peg.
Help me, help me.
415
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,601
Run, Peg, run.
416
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:20,100
Run, Peg, run.
417
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,400
Run, run, run.
418
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:28,167
Al! Al, my hair!
419
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,467
Help me, Peg.
420
00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:33,868
Help me.
421
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:36,701
Help me.
422
00:19:37,701 --> 00:19:39,167
Don't help me, Peg.
423
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,000
There he is, the killer.
424
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,200
He's done, washed up,
finished.
425
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,067
He learned what
a lot of killers learn:
426
00:19:55,067 --> 00:20:00,100
When they come after
Bundy, they find trouble.
427
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,267
Excuse me.
428
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:06,400
[PUKING]
429
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:13,734
Yep. Bundy's the name,
hero's the game.
430
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:14,968
Get him out of here.
431
00:20:14,968 --> 00:20:17,901
Who is he sheriff?
Who is the murdering scum?
432
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:19,934
Uh-oh.
433
00:20:19,934 --> 00:20:23,200
Well, do we take him to jail
now, or hang him right here?
434
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,000
Do you know who
this man is, Bundy?
435
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,801
Yeah.
He's the killer.
436
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:33,467
Yes, but he's also the man
who met Andy Griffith.
437
00:20:37,968 --> 00:20:39,300
What are you doing?
438
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:41,200
Making sure
you didn't hurt him.
439
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,767
See, Bundy, Dumpwater
ain't much of a town.
440
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:46,801
We only got two things--
441
00:20:46,801 --> 00:20:52,667
A serial killer and the man
who met Andy Griffith.
442
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:57,667
We could probably stand
to lose one or the other,
443
00:20:57,667 --> 00:21:00,634
but we'll be damned
if we're going to lose both.
444
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,267
Y'all better
get going, Bundy.
445
00:21:04,267 --> 00:21:06,701
I say we hang
the whole family.
446
00:21:06,701 --> 00:21:13,701
I'd kind of like to keep
the little white-haired girl.
447
00:21:14,868 --> 00:21:16,100
Kids, get the bags.
448
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,968
Dad, are we
taking mom too?
449
00:21:17,968 --> 00:21:21,133
I guess.
450
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:24,167
Are you gonna be able to talk
tonight at the high school?
451
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:25,834
I don't know.
452
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:29,200
He hit me hard.
453
00:21:30,968 --> 00:21:32,300
Take her like she is.
454
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:34,300
We'll untie her
at home...
455
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:35,300
maybe.
456
00:21:37,534 --> 00:21:40,033
[TIRES SCREECHING]
457
00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:42,133
PEG:
Al, where are the kids?
458
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,267
BUD AND KELLY:
Thanks, Dad.
459
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:54,534
KELLY: Gee, Dad, next year
can we go to Lebanon?
460
00:21:54,534 --> 00:21:56,567
Where's my luggage,
Marcie?
461
00:21:56,567 --> 00:21:59,367
Steve, please, I am sick
of hearing about your luggage.
462
00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:00,734
Can we talk
about something else?
463
00:22:00,734 --> 00:22:04,534
Fine.
Where's my camera, Marcie?
464
00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:05,834
Steve, you're obsessive.
465
00:22:05,834 --> 00:22:08,334
I am not obsessive.
466
00:22:11,934 --> 00:22:15,501
I just know they've taken that
luggage and gone off somewhere.
467
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:16,634
Right, Steve.
468
00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:18,634
I'm sure they're going
to build a whole new life
469
00:22:18,634 --> 00:22:19,834
around your luggage.
470
00:22:19,834 --> 00:22:22,300
And my camera.
471
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:25,267
BUNDYS:
* There's no place like home *
472
00:22:25,267 --> 00:22:28,701
AL:
Steve, here's you luggage
and your camera.
473
00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:31,234
[TIRES SCREECHING]
474
00:22:43,667 --> 00:22:46,701
[***]1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:07,434
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:33,467
* Without the other *
9
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,934
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:38,667
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,901
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,801
Peg! Kids!
21
00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,133
Time to torture me.
I'm home.
22
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,501
Let's hear the pitter-patter
of little feet,
23
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:28,300
the thrusting
of greedy little hands.
24
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:29,801
What's this?
25
00:01:29,801 --> 00:01:32,801
"Dear Al, the kids are spending
the night someplace
26
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,667
"and I'm going out
for a few hours.
27
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:35,834
"Peggy.
28
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:39,901
P.S. Dinner's on the table."
29
00:01:44,934 --> 00:01:48,667
Yeah, nothing says loving like
something from the oven.
30
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,701
I'm a B-B-B-Bud man
and a C-C-C-Cub fan.
31
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,901
Ah!
32
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:01,667
Got the whole
house to myself.
33
00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:03,167
It's like I died
and went to--
34
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:04,534
Hi, Al.
35
00:02:04,534 --> 00:02:06,701
Hell.
36
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:09,834
How was your day, honey?
37
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:11,801
Up till now, great.
38
00:02:11,801 --> 00:02:13,467
Today will go down
in history
39
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,267
as the day
that nothing went wrong.
40
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:17,868
First, I caught all the green
lights to and from work.
41
00:02:17,868 --> 00:02:21,467
Then, I heard three good songs
in a row on the oldies station.
42
00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:24,801
Best of all, some fat woman came
in the store and yelled at me,
43
00:02:24,801 --> 00:02:29,334
then she went out
and fell right on her ass.
44
00:02:29,334 --> 00:02:33,501
And tonight, the Cubs,
and you, you're going out.
45
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:34,534
No, I'm not.
46
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:36,133
We were going to have
a Tupperware party
47
00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:37,367
over at Mrs. Zimmerman's house,
48
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:41,033
but the store was out of x-rated
tapes, so I came home.
49
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:45,601
You know, Al,
since the kids are both gone,
50
00:02:45,601 --> 00:02:49,834
I was thinking maybe
we could fool around.
51
00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:56,267
Peg, if we do that now, your
birthday just won't be special.
52
00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:57,901
Come on, honey.
53
00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:01,868
Ah, I got to say no,
but here's an idea.
54
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:05,200
Get me some chips.
55
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,834
Got to say no,
but how about this?
56
00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:09,834
Sex for potato chips.
57
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:11,701
I got to say no.
58
00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:14,767
I'll give you 5 bucks.
59
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:15,767
Well, what the hell.
60
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:20,634
This'll last longer
than sex, anyhow.
61
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,634
Where's the chips?
62
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,601
Probably at the store.
63
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:26,667
Ah, what the heck.
64
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:27,834
Still a good day.
65
00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:29,501
I got my game,
got my beer.
66
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,534
Got my gal.
67
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,667
Well, at least
the kids are gone.
68
00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:36,300
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
69
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,300
I thought you were
staying out someplace?
70
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:41,067
Well, I was, but Robby's
mom came home in a bad mood.
71
00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:44,667
She said something about
"no movies, no Tupperware."
72
00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:46,367
Skooch over.
73
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,133
How was work?
Ah, who cares?
74
00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:50,901
How's school?
Who cares?
75
00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:53,400
Good boy.
76
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,968
Now, shut up, Bud,
the game's gonna come on.
77
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:57,968
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
78
00:03:57,968 --> 00:04:00,300
I thought you were
spending the night out?
79
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:01,367
I did.
80
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,601
Skooch over.
81
00:04:05,601 --> 00:04:06,601
Oh, guess what.
82
00:04:06,601 --> 00:04:07,901
You know Billy's dad,
83
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:10,267
you know, the one who goes
through his own garbage?
84
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:12,267
He just won a Porsche
85
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:14,133
for being the 15th
caller on the radio.
86
00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:15,701
Isn't that great?
87
00:04:15,701 --> 00:04:17,501
That is the third Porsche
on the block.
88
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:19,133
I can't believe
our neighborhood.
89
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:23,834
Porsche, Porsche,
Dodge, Porsche.
90
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:26,234
Yeah, we also have wage earners,
wage earners,
91
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:29,234
leeches, and wage earners.
92
00:04:29,234 --> 00:04:31,334
Kids, I think it's time
to thank your father
93
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:33,701
for bringing home
minimum wage.
94
00:04:33,701 --> 00:04:35,968
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
95
00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:37,667
Yup, I had a life once.
96
00:04:37,667 --> 00:04:39,000
Any more good news?
97
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,567
Yeah, we learned in school today
that by the time you retire,
98
00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:45,133
social security
won't be there anymore.
99
00:04:45,133 --> 00:04:49,334
You're not gonna come live
with us, are you, Dad?
100
00:04:49,334 --> 00:04:51,501
Did I tell you kids
that I love you today?
101
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:52,701
No, Dad.
102
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,601
Well, think about that
on your way upstairs.
103
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,868
[DOORBELL RINGS]
104
00:04:57,868 --> 00:04:59,701
Gee, I wonder who
that could be?
105
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:02,000
That's Steve and Marcie.
Don't answer it, Peg.
106
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:07,100
Oh, look, it's Steve
and Marcie.
107
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,100
Hi.
108
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,601
Hey, Al, ask me
what happened today.
109
00:05:14,234 --> 00:05:15,601
Peg, ask me how I'm doing.
110
00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:16,634
How are you doing?
111
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:18,667
You're looking at
the new manager
112
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:20,200
of the leading
bank of Chicago.
113
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,300
Steve got promoted.
114
00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:23,300
Well, congratulations.
115
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,701
Did you hear that, Al?
Steve got promoted.
116
00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:26,701
Gee, that's great.
117
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,701
What grade's he in?
118
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,701
Oh, Al.
119
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:35,300
You know when Marcie got
that spot at Kyoto National?
120
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,701
Her job at our
bank opened up.
121
00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:39,901
Steve's going to be making
a lot more money now.
122
00:05:39,901 --> 00:05:41,400
Guess what I got
under my arm.
123
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,400
Nair burn?
124
00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:48,901
A lot more money, Al.
125
00:05:48,901 --> 00:05:50,834
Anyhow,
I brought some brochures.
126
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:52,400
We're gonna get a new car,
127
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:56,234
you know, one that makes
a statement that says
128
00:05:56,234 --> 00:05:59,434
"Why is he living
in this neighborhood?"
129
00:05:59,434 --> 00:06:01,334
I'm so proud
of my man.
130
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:04,067
Come and tell me
what it's like, Marce.
131
00:06:05,701 --> 00:06:08,133
Anyhow, Al,
you know about cars.
132
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:12,434
I've narrowed it down
to the Volvo, the baby Benz,
133
00:06:12,434 --> 00:06:14,701
and the BMW three series.
134
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:19,367
Which would you get
if you had any money at all?
135
00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:21,934
Well, the BMW
is a driver's car,
136
00:06:21,934 --> 00:06:24,434
but if you should happen
to drive into a wall,
137
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:27,467
the Benz has air bags,
so, uh...
138
00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:30,834
I'd go with the BMW.
139
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:33,133
What's the matter, Al,
bad day?
140
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:36,067
Nope, because I'm gonna
watch the Cubs.
141
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:40,467
Yep, I'm watching them pull
the tarp over the field.
142
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:43,167
TVANNOUNCER: ...and the game
is called due to rain.
143
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:46,167
Stay tuned
for something boring.
144
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,734
Well, it's kind
of hard to describe.
145
00:06:50,734 --> 00:06:52,734
You know, it's the kind of
feeling of being happy
146
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:56,033
to be married to him,
admiring him,
147
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,534
looking forward
to him coming home.
148
00:06:58,534 --> 00:07:01,434
Marce, look at Al.
149
00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:04,801
Would you look forward
to him coming home?
150
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,067
I'm sorry, Peggy.
151
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:14,167
Anyhow, Al, I can't
decide about the colors.
152
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,634
You see, I'm leaning
towards black.
153
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:20,300
That'll attract the women--
Make them what they can't have.
154
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:23,901
Let's go, Marce.
155
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:29,367
Ooh, Al-- by the way, Marcie
has to go away this weekend.
156
00:07:29,367 --> 00:07:30,701
Her mother's thinking
of remarrying,
157
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:34,901
and she's driving up to run
a quick credit check.
158
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:36,901
Can you give me a lift home
from work tomorrow?
159
00:07:36,901 --> 00:07:40,267
Why don't you ask a friend?
160
00:07:40,267 --> 00:07:42,400
I don't want
to put any of them out.
161
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,234
Let's go, Marce.
162
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:46,100
Let's go buy something.
163
00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:47,267
Ooh...
164
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:51,033
I just love it when
you talk spending to me.
165
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:53,534
[DOOR CLOSES]
166
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:55,267
I can't believe it.
167
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,634
Everybody in the world
is making money.
168
00:07:57,634 --> 00:08:00,701
Aw, honey, that's not true.
169
00:08:00,701 --> 00:08:03,834
You're not.
170
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:05,968
You're my rock, Peg.
171
00:08:05,968 --> 00:08:09,267
And you are
my albatross, Al.
172
00:08:09,267 --> 00:08:12,033
Look, honey,
you're still a young man.
173
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:17,300
And there's plenty
of chances to make it big.
174
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:20,234
That's sweet of you, Peg.
175
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,968
A fella couldn't ask
for a better wife.
176
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,634
[SNORING]
177
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,300
It's okay, Wyatt.
178
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:42,000
I'll get it.
179
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:48,067
Hi, Al.
Be right with you.
180
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:50,767
Gee, I've never been in
a bank that was closed before.
181
00:08:50,767 --> 00:08:53,467
Yep. This is where
it all happens.
182
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:56,868
You know this is my favorite
time and my favorite place.
183
00:08:56,868 --> 00:09:00,501
Yeah, some people
like Hawaii at sunset.
184
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:01,601
Me?
185
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:05,467
Give me a bank
after hours.
186
00:09:05,467 --> 00:09:09,734
It's the cathedral
of capitalism.
187
00:09:09,734 --> 00:09:12,367
Can you hear it, Al?
188
00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:15,934
It's the sound
of interest accruing.
189
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,100
I'll be with you
in a second,
190
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,067
just a few last minute
managerial duties.
191
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:22,801
Tomorrow's a really busy day,
192
00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:25,234
so I have to put out these
"next window, please" signs,
193
00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:27,801
because we're only gonna
have two tellers working.
194
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,901
And I got one more
car loan to approve.
195
00:09:31,901 --> 00:09:33,467
Come on,
hurry up, Steve!
196
00:09:33,467 --> 00:09:34,567
It won't take long.
197
00:09:34,567 --> 00:09:35,567
It's mine.
198
00:09:35,567 --> 00:09:37,801
Yes!
199
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:42,267
Ok, Al...
200
00:09:42,267 --> 00:09:43,834
I'm ready.
201
00:09:44,467 --> 00:09:45,601
Al?
202
00:09:45,601 --> 00:09:46,901
I'm in the vault!
203
00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:49,334
Oh. The vault!
204
00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:52,400
Al, are you crazy?
205
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,434
This is a federal offense.
206
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:56,100
I was just looking.
207
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:58,234
Okay, I'm ready to go.
208
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,133
Al, you can't
touch this.
209
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,767
This is money.
210
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:06,300
Only the bank president
and his squeeze
211
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:08,167
are allowed to play
with the money.
212
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,400
Steve...
213
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,667
smell this.
214
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,634
Tell me we don't have
the same rights
215
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:21,234
as a bank president
and his squeeze.
216
00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:27,534
I'll see your 50,000
and I'll raise you...
217
00:10:27,534 --> 00:10:30,234
this gold bar.
218
00:10:31,868 --> 00:10:34,334
I...call.
219
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,400
Read them and weep.
220
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,701
Jack high.
221
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:39,467
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
222
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:40,734
Deuces, Al.
223
00:10:40,734 --> 00:10:43,400
Two of them.
224
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,334
Hey, Steve-- Indianpoker
for this guy's mortgage.
225
00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:49,267
I don't feel like it, Al.
226
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:52,300
Is it unnatural for me
to be horny?
227
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:56,033
Not at all, Steve.
Money is love.
228
00:10:56,033 --> 00:10:58,701
This is a car.
229
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,767
This is a house.
230
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:05,567
And all this is a blonde.
231
00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:09,534
Look at these bonds, Al.
232
00:11:09,534 --> 00:11:14,200
This little piece
of paper is worth $100,000.
233
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,734
[WHISTLES]
234
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:18,267
Steve, I'm gonna just
throw something at you.
235
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:21,467
What say I pull
the car around back...
236
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:24,100
we load it up...
237
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,567
And head for Canada?
238
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:27,734
Where the dollar
means something.
239
00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:30,300
Call the girls
in about 10 years.
240
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:32,834
I can't.
241
00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:33,901
Why?
242
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,133
I don't exactly know.
243
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,400
Come on, Steve!
244
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,000
They sell Mercedes
in Canada-- big ones!
245
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,434
And they come with hookers
dressed like college girls.
246
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:44,801
Come on, Steve.
Get some bags.
247
00:11:44,801 --> 00:11:46,467
I'll toss out
Peg's dry cleaning
248
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:48,167
and we'll make rooms
in the trunk.
249
00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:50,367
It's not like we're never gonna
see the girls again, right?
250
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:53,534
Right!
Okay, I'll get the car!
251
00:11:53,534 --> 00:11:56,300
If Wyatt wakes up,
kill him.
252
00:11:58,501 --> 00:11:59,734
Wait a second.
253
00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:02,467
Al, this is insane.
254
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:03,767
It's wrong.
255
00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:04,901
It's illegal.
256
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:07,934
Ooh, that's it.
It's illegal.
257
00:12:07,934 --> 00:12:11,400
Aw, come on, buddy.
258
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,734
We've had our fun.
Let's go home.
259
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:14,734
All right.
260
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,167
You're right.
You're right.
261
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:19,000
It's all coming back to me now.
Ungrateful redhead, rotten kids.
262
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,567
Yeah.
263
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,133
Yeah, I'm back now,
but what a beautiful memory.
264
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:25,133
I wish I had
a picture of it.
265
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:27,567
So I could show my grandchildren
I had all this money,
266
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:30,300
but their grandmother
spent it all.
267
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:31,501
I know.
268
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:33,434
But...
269
00:12:33,434 --> 00:12:36,300
we got our memories.
270
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,100
Let's go, buddy.
271
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:51,567
Well, I think we should
be proud of your daddy.
272
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:56,234
He just cost us the only chance
we'll ever have for happiness.
273
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,467
I'll tell you this much--
274
00:12:57,467 --> 00:13:00,868
the man I marry would
have taken that money.
275
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,000
Hey, leave Dad alone.
276
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,133
Don't you think he knows
he made the biggest mistake
277
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:09,467
of all our lives?
278
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:12,634
As I said to Steve,
it's illegal and wrong,
279
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:16,167
and I'll have no part of it.
280
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:18,534
Al, tell me something,
honey.
281
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:20,968
When you were in there
with all that money,
282
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,934
what did you
think about?
283
00:13:22,934 --> 00:13:25,567
Well, Peg, I thought
if I did take it,
284
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,100
you and me and the kids
would drive up to Canada
285
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,901
and live the life
we deserve.
286
00:13:29,901 --> 00:13:31,701
Aw, honey.
287
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:33,100
I know.
I know.
288
00:13:34,501 --> 00:13:36,501
All right, Al, there's
a million dollars missing.
289
00:13:36,501 --> 00:13:38,234
Where is it?
290
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,100
Oh, Al!
291
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,000
All right, Dad!
292
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:50,267
I can have
everything I want.
293
00:13:50,267 --> 00:13:53,000
I love my daddy!
294
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,601
We all do, dear.
295
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:58,534
Al, you are scum.
296
00:13:58,534 --> 00:14:00,801
But he can buy
and sell you, buddy.
297
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,968
Steve, listen, you know
I didn't take it.
298
00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:07,634
Now how could I carry
a million dollars?
299
00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:08,868
Those security bonds.
300
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:10,334
Ten stinking pieces of paper.
301
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:12,968
You could have put them anywhere
while I was out of the vault.
302
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:15,667
Security bonds.
Brilliant, Dad.
303
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,767
Those are good in Canada,
aren't they, Al?
304
00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:22,200
A cashmere sweater,
a CD player,
305
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,567
David Lee Roth
chained to my bed.
306
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,467
Listen, Al, Monday when
they check the duty roster,
307
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:32,334
one word is gonna come
from above: Rhoades.
308
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,767
I'll have one word
for them: Bundy.
309
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:37,234
Listen, Steve,
I didn't take it!
310
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:38,434
Al!
311
00:14:38,434 --> 00:14:41,801
We're talking 20-50
with chain saw killers.
312
00:14:41,801 --> 00:14:44,501
And don't think I'm serving
time alone, bunkie.
313
00:14:44,501 --> 00:14:46,734
If I'm going to be playing
in the showers with maniacs,
314
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:48,734
you're gonna be
passing the soap.
315
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:52,534
I did not take it!
316
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:54,000
Hello, Debbie?
317
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,767
Remember saying you
wouldn't go out with me
318
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:58,767
for all the money
in the world?
319
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:02,868
Let's test that theory,
shall we?
320
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,000
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
321
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,701
I'm going to go home,
drink moderately, and pass out.
322
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:12,067
And when I come to, you're
gonna give the money back,
323
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:15,901
because I believe, deep down,
that you are an honest man.
324
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:19,667
So...here I go...
325
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,167
walking through
the door...
326
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:24,100
to leave you alone
with your conscience.
327
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,267
Peggy, I'm depending on you
to make him do the right thing.
328
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:31,868
Steve, if Al said he didn't
take it, he didn't take it.
329
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,934
God, I love you!
330
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:41,467
Oh...sure, my husband
shows me no affection
331
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:46,367
and has a go-nowhere job,
but daddy is really taking care
332
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:48,334
of his family now, kids!
333
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:51,033
Yeah!
All right, dad!
334
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,400
Peg, listen to me
for once in your life.
335
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,467
I don't have the money.
336
00:15:55,467 --> 00:15:57,767
Now don't think you're
holding out on me, Al.
337
00:15:57,767 --> 00:15:58,767
Uh-uh.
338
00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:00,601
I've made your breakfasts.
339
00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:02,200
I've had your children.
340
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,434
I've even gone
to the bathroom after you.
341
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,467
I've paid my dues, Al.
342
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,300
I've earned that money just
as if I'd taken it myself.
343
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:13,467
Half of it's mine.
344
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:17,200
Unless you go to prison,
and then it's all mine.
345
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,367
So where is it, snookie?
346
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:23,400
Don't know.
347
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,133
Okay, Al.
348
00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:29,734
I believe you.
349
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:39,501
I know what you're thinking.
350
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:43,234
"How can I serve my daddy?"
351
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:45,000
You can fix me breakfast.
352
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,734
What's in it for us?
353
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,367
Right. Why should
I make breakfast
354
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:50,901
for a man who won't
even cut us in?
355
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:54,133
Well, okay Peg,
but I'll tell you this,
356
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:55,734
if a guy did have
a million dollars
357
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,400
he sure wouldn't
share it with someone
358
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,267
who wouldn't fix
his breakfast.
359
00:17:04,701 --> 00:17:06,133
It's not golden brown
enough.
360
00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:07,334
I knew it!
I knew it!
361
00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:08,868
I'm sorry.
362
00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:10,267
The harm's done, Bud.
363
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:11,868
Daddy's upset.
364
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:14,167
Don't badger
your father, kids.
365
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,701
Juice, Al?
366
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,601
Why not?
I squeezed it myself.
367
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:20,968
Tell us again
about Rio, honey.
368
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:23,434
Okay.
369
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:27,067
We'll all be there,
laying in the sun.
370
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,467
Pulp.
371
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:32,434
The palm trees
will be swaying in the breeze,
372
00:17:32,434 --> 00:17:33,901
and the cabana boys...
373
00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:36,467
Ohh...
374
00:17:36,467 --> 00:17:39,200
They live to serve you.
375
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,934
Kelly, move it
with Daddy's juice.
376
00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:47,467
And the surfer boys in their
tiny little bathing suits
377
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,634
will be riding the waves.
378
00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:54,367
Tell me again
about their bodies, Al.
379
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,367
They're tight, Peg.
380
00:17:56,367 --> 00:18:03,434
Young, tight, and tan,
still glistening from the surf.
381
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,434
Would you like another rubdown
with your breakfast, Al?
382
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:16,767
Peg, I'm raw, I'm full,
and I can't go on.
383
00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:18,400
Leave me alone.
384
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,601
I don't have
the money!
385
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:23,234
Yeah, right, and I'm don't
have a date with Debbie.
386
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:25,601
18-year-old Debbie?
387
00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:28,133
Money talks, Kel.
388
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,133
[DOORBELL RINGS]
389
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:31,467
I'll get that, dear.
390
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:37,567
* Rio de Janeiro
Where the boys swing *
391
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:40,234
* Their derriere-oh *
392
00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:45,834
Well, it's Monday.
393
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,567
Right about now
they should discover
394
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:50,100
there's a million
dollars missing.
395
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:51,501
They think back--
396
00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:54,567
"Let's see, who was the last
person in the bank on Saturday?
397
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,534
"Who had the opportunity?
398
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:58,367
"Why, it was Rhoades.
399
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,834
"No wonder he called
in sick today.
400
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,234
"Well, let's turn down
his car loan
401
00:19:02,234 --> 00:19:05,834
and give him 20 years
to life."
402
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:07,234
Of course,
I'll turn you in.
403
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:09,434
And soon as we're
both behind bars,
404
00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:12,200
I'm going to kill you.
405
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,734
If I can't do it myself,
406
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:17,367
I'll make sure my boyfriend's
bigger than yours.
407
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:22,801
Don't let him scare you, Al.
408
00:19:22,801 --> 00:19:25,734
You could do 20 years
standing on your head.
409
00:19:25,734 --> 00:19:28,400
Yeah, Dad, and we'll
be waiting right here for you
410
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,634
when you get out.
411
00:19:32,868 --> 00:19:35,834
Look, Al, I can see
why you wouldn't mind prison,
412
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:38,434
but I like my home life.
413
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:39,667
Nice welcome home present
for Marcie.
414
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:41,167
What's she going to say
415
00:19:41,167 --> 00:19:43,968
when I don't show up for dinner
for the next 20 years to life?
416
00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:44,968
[DOORBELL RINGS]
417
00:19:44,968 --> 00:19:46,734
There's the long arm
of the law!
418
00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:51,300
Nope, it's the frog legs
of your wife.
419
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,033
Hi, Steve.
420
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:55,033
I missed you so much.
421
00:19:55,033 --> 00:19:56,734
She's wearing red.
422
00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:58,701
That's how
they got Dillinger.
423
00:19:58,701 --> 00:20:00,167
Are you feeling okay, Steve?
424
00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:02,367
I went by your bank,
when I got back to town
425
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,634
and they said
you were sick.
426
00:20:03,634 --> 00:20:07,834
Uh...they happen to mention
anything else about me?
427
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:12,067
Well, no, Steve,
but you're going to love this.
428
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:15,234
Your bank lost
a million dollars!
429
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:21,367
Oh, I get another job,
and things just fall apart.
430
00:20:21,367 --> 00:20:23,968
I mean, how do you lose
a million dollars?
431
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,734
They were in a panic.
432
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:28,334
The computer made a transfer
of funds to Munich,
433
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:33,434
but the telex confirmation-- had
the 12-hour international delay.
434
00:20:33,434 --> 00:20:34,467
Of course!
435
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,067
Well, I'm sure
you would have caught it
436
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:38,000
if you hadn't
been out sick.
437
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,968
I'm better now.
438
00:20:39,968 --> 00:20:41,400
Isn't that something?
439
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:46,400
I'll bet some idiots down at the
bank thought somebody took it.
440
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,234
We are banking
professionals, Al.
441
00:20:49,234 --> 00:20:50,901
Come on, Steve.
Let's go home.
442
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,601
Just a minute, Marcie.
443
00:20:52,601 --> 00:20:53,701
Uh...Al?
444
00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:55,067
Yes, Steve?
445
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:59,734
Keep your kids away
from my Mercedes.
446
00:21:02,033 --> 00:21:03,634
The funniest thing is,
with that telex delay,
447
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:07,067
somebody could have really
taken that million dollars
448
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:09,934
and been well into Canada
by the time they caught it.
449
00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:20,067
We don't have
a million dollars, Al?
450
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:23,033
Peg, I've been trying to tell
you that for two days.
451
00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:26,033
You know I never
listen to you.
452
00:21:26,033 --> 00:21:27,701
Well, we're broke
again, kids.
453
00:21:27,701 --> 00:21:29,100
Thank your father.
454
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:31,567
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
455
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:32,634
Ah, what the hell?
456
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:33,834
We're rich in other ways.
457
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,567
We've still got each other.
458
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:37,334
Well, I'm going to work.
459
00:21:37,334 --> 00:21:39,067
And I'll tell you what I'll do:
460
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:42,434
I'll stop off after work
and get us some sugar pops.
461
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:43,434
See?
462
00:21:43,434 --> 00:21:45,968
We're not too broke to eat.
463
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:55,000
Well, life isn't so bad,
is it, kids?
464
00:22:00,033 --> 00:22:01,567
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
And on a local note,
465
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:04,133
tragedy was narrowly
averted moments ago
466
00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:07,300
when a sobbing woman and her
two hysterical children
467
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:11,067
weretalked down from a ledge
on the Sears Tower.
468
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:14,501
It's believed to be the first
family suicide attempt
469
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,200
inChicago history.
470
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,133
The woman was quoted
as sobbing,
471
00:22:18,133 --> 00:22:22,234
"Shoes.He sells shoes."
472
00:22:24,167 --> 00:22:25,567
I'm home!
473
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:49,400
[***]1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they say it's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,000
Now, Mom, just because
the kids don't write
18
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,467
doesn't mean
they don't love you.
19
00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:25,634
Oh. They told you
they didn't love you?
20
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:27,367
Well, they
didn't mean it.
21
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,167
You know our kids.
22
00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:31,501
I'm sure
if you sent them some money,
23
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:34,067
they'd love you.
24
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:37,167
No, I couldn't watch
You Be The Judge today.
25
00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:38,534
They put
this new streetlight up
26
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,033
in front of the house,
27
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:44,300
and I was watching the men
work with their shirts off.
28
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,801
Oh, of course
I took pictures.
29
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:50,067
Yeah, the new crime light
is real nice.
30
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:52,200
Everyone in the neighborhood
is real happy about it.
31
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:57,367
I hate those
new crime lights.
32
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,367
They make everything
look yellow.
33
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,934
This neighborhood's
ugly enough during the day
34
00:02:00,934 --> 00:02:03,367
without having
to look at it at night.
35
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,734
I can't comment on that
right now, Mom.
36
00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:10,200
Al just alked-way
in the or-day.
37
00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:14,367
Pig Latin, Peg.
38
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,901
Must be your mother.
39
00:02:17,901 --> 00:02:19,067
Tell her I said "oink."
40
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,567
What are all these envelopes
on the table, Peg?
41
00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:24,868
Is this supper?
42
00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:29,701
It's a bill
for that crime light.
43
00:02:29,701 --> 00:02:31,734
A $50 assessment.
44
00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:34,234
Peg, they're
charging me 50 bucks.
45
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:38,167
Gee, I wish I had someone
to pay my bills so I could go...
46
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:41,100
"Oh, gee, look, dear,
the new telephone bill came.
47
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,667
"Let's see...
48
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,701
Well, there's some
big, fat bills from Milwaukee."
49
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:49,901
Know anybody big and fat
from Milwaukee, Peg?
50
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:54,534
Hold on, Mom.
51
00:02:54,534 --> 00:02:57,033
That's right, your mother.
52
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,601
Did she call collect again?
53
00:02:58,601 --> 00:03:00,634
No, Al, I called her.
54
00:03:00,634 --> 00:03:02,400
Smart shopping.
55
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,033
Tell her I want to talk to her.
56
00:03:04,033 --> 00:03:06,634
Mom, Al has something
he wants to say to you.
57
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:12,667
You're making
too many calls, Peg.
58
00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:14,167
Now, look at this bill.
59
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:16,667
Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee...
60
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:20,667
I'll bet this whole
thing comes to...
61
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,834
$253!
62
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,501
Family meeting!
63
00:03:28,534 --> 00:03:30,501
The whole family!
64
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:33,300
KELLY:
I'm on the phone, Dad!
65
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:36,968
I said, family meeting.
66
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,701
Family...
67
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,334
Coven...
68
00:03:47,334 --> 00:03:50,868
I thought we agreed
to cut down our calls.
69
00:03:50,868 --> 00:03:52,601
I only made
necessary calls.
70
00:03:52,601 --> 00:03:53,601
Me too.
71
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,033
Me too.
72
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:57,734
Who made these toll calls
at two bucks a pop?
73
00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:58,934
10 times in a row here.
74
00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:01,467
Who called 555-STUD?
75
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,567
Oh, Mom!
76
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:13,234
Who called DIAL-A-PRAYER?
77
00:04:13,234 --> 00:04:14,968
I did, Dad.
78
00:04:14,968 --> 00:04:17,868
But don't pay.
Kelly's still here.
79
00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:23,667
Let's see what else
we have here.
80
00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:27,634
Uh... sports hotline,
sports hotline,
sports hotline.
81
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:30,334
Those are okay.
82
00:04:30,334 --> 00:04:31,834
Wait a second. Wait.
83
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,767
Vancouver? $80?
84
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:36,334
Kelly!
85
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:38,901
Sure, all eyes
turn to me.
86
00:04:38,901 --> 00:04:40,901
Let me ask you this.
87
00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:43,300
If I did know
somebody in Vancouver,
88
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,567
don't you think I'd be
living with them
and not here?
89
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:47,567
True enough. Bud?
90
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,067
America first, Dad.
91
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:50,734
How about it, Peg?
92
00:04:50,734 --> 00:04:53,033
Your mother
gotten so fat,
93
00:04:53,033 --> 00:04:56,434
she's spread
across the border?
94
00:04:56,434 --> 00:04:59,167
Al, I did not call Vancouver,
95
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:03,167
and Mom is down
to nearly 200.
96
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:05,033
So nobody called
Vancouver?
97
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,534
Okay, it's a mistake.
98
00:05:06,534 --> 00:05:08,567
I'm not paying
for mistakes.
99
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:11,434
I've been doing that
since the day I got married.
100
00:05:11,434 --> 00:05:13,434
All right,
I'll call the phone company.
101
00:05:13,434 --> 00:05:14,734
What's the phone company number?
102
00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:16,100
Dial information.
103
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,534
See, that's just
what I'm talking about.
104
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,367
This is a perfect example
of how to save.
105
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:22,234
We want a phone number,
we use the phone book.
106
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:24,567
I was going
to burn that for heat, Al.
107
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,968
Oh, I'd like
to burn something...
108
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,100
"We find no error."
109
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:33,501
I'm on hold for 45 minutes,
110
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,634
listening to muzak version
of "Muskrat Love,"
111
00:05:35,634 --> 00:05:39,133
and they can find no error.
112
00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:41,067
Now that the kids are gone,
113
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,567
I ask you one more time,
114
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:45,133
did you make that call
to Vancouver?
115
00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:47,534
Al, that call was made
at 9:00 in the morning.
116
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:48,601
Now, you know very well
117
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:51,033
that that is when
I go back to sleep
118
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:52,601
after you've gone to work.
119
00:05:54,868 --> 00:05:56,367
I'm sorry.
120
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,000
I can't believe
they're going to
121
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,901
make me
pay for this, Peg.
122
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,534
Why don't you become
a game show host?
123
00:06:02,534 --> 00:06:04,434
Contestant comes out
and says, "I win $10,000,"
124
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,434
you shrug,
I come out and pay him,
125
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:07,300
the game's over.
126
00:06:09,033 --> 00:06:11,968
We'll call the show
"That Idiot Al."
127
00:06:11,968 --> 00:06:13,367
Honey, I'm sure
it'll work out
128
00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:15,234
one way or another.
Now, just go to sleep.
129
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:16,767
Oh, I'm sure
it will work out.
130
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:19,667
I pay for a light
I didn't want,
131
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:21,667
I pay for a phone call
I didn't make,
132
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:24,701
for a house,
a dog, kids, cat...
133
00:06:24,701 --> 00:06:26,000
Al, you know,
134
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,200
there's still some things
we could do for free.
135
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,501
You know, like,
dust off Mr. Van Winkle
136
00:06:30,501 --> 00:06:32,868
and bring him over
for a visit.
137
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:41,300
Sex, Al.
138
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:46,434
Great. The one thing
I would pay for.
139
00:06:46,434 --> 00:06:48,868
Me too.
Good night, Al.
140
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:09,033
Honey,
would you be still?
141
00:07:09,033 --> 00:07:11,067
I'm trying
desperately
142
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:14,334
to pretend
you're someone else.
143
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:26,567
Settle down, Al,
and go to sleep.
144
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:29,868
Yech!
145
00:07:29,868 --> 00:07:33,100
Where the hell is
that light coming from?
146
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,634
It's the new
crime light, Al,
147
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:37,100
shining on an
appropriate place--
148
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:38,667
your feet.
149
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:42,801
This just gets
better and better.
150
00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:48,033
$50 to have a light
shine in my face!
151
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:49,167
This is great.
152
00:07:49,167 --> 00:07:50,901
I'm a victim,
that's what I am.
153
00:07:50,901 --> 00:07:54,434
City charges me $50
to shine a light in my face,
154
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:55,934
nothing I can do about it.
155
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,667
Phone company charges me $80
for a phone call I never made,
156
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:00,167
nothing I can do about it.
157
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:01,467
Well, from now on,
158
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:04,133
Al Bundy is going to do
something about it.
159
00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:05,934
Tomorrow, I'm going to get
that Vancouver phone call
160
00:08:05,934 --> 00:08:07,634
taken off my bill
161
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:08,834
and I'm going to go down
162
00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:10,501
and have the city move
that stupid light.
163
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:12,033
From now on,
164
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,567
Al Bundy is going to live
with a little bit of dignity.
165
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:22,334
Ok, Marilyn. You ready?
166
00:08:26,033 --> 00:08:29,534
There, that should take care
of Bud if he's listening.
167
00:08:29,534 --> 00:08:32,133
Now, who's pregnant?
168
00:08:33,734 --> 00:08:34,968
Hi, Mom.
169
00:08:34,968 --> 00:08:36,133
Hi, honey.
170
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:37,834
What?
171
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:42,200
What you been doing?
172
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,534
What?
173
00:08:44,534 --> 00:08:48,834
Bud, you've been listening in
on Kelly's call, haven't you?
174
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:51,701
Remember what I told
you about that?
175
00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:55,868
Yeah, you said, "Be careful,
she's got a whistle now."
176
00:08:57,934 --> 00:09:00,534
That's better.
177
00:09:00,534 --> 00:09:01,868
Where's Dad?
178
00:09:01,868 --> 00:09:02,934
He went down
179
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,400
to the phone company
this morning.
180
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,400
Uh-oh.
181
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:06,534
Don't worry about it.
182
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:08,133
Your father does
a lot of dumb things,
183
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:09,334
but even he knows
184
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:11,367
you can't fight
the phone company.
185
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:12,767
Hello?
186
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:17,267
Hello?
187
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:21,901
Mom, the phone
just went dead.
188
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:26,267
Well, you're
looking at a hero.
189
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,067
The phone company
190
00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:35,167
doesn't care
about just one man,
191
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:38,534
but if all of us
stand together,
192
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:41,033
we can bring
these bureaucratic morons
193
00:09:41,033 --> 00:09:42,767
to their knees.
194
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:48,400
Peg, Did you tell all
the neighbors to come?
195
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,667
I told all our friends.
196
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,200
And?
197
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,367
They're here.
198
00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:00,367
Al, why don't you
just break down
199
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,868
and pay the phone bill?
200
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,667
I'm not giving in.
201
00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:05,734
Nobody ever died because
they didn't have a telephone.
202
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,033
Kelly.
203
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:13,434
Would you go upstairs?
You're depressing us.
204
00:10:19,534 --> 00:10:20,734
Al...
205
00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:24,267
Why don't you just pay
for that phone call?
206
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:25,601
Excuse me.
207
00:10:25,601 --> 00:10:30,200
Did I hear the trace of
a Vancouvian accent, Steve?
208
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,934
I didn't make the call.
209
00:10:31,934 --> 00:10:34,033
Why not? Were you out--
210
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,267
or should I say,
"oot"-- at the time?
211
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:40,334
Gee, Steve.
212
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:43,334
This is a little like
living with Columbo.
213
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:46,467
You know, a dirty, wrinkled man
who won't give up.
214
00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:48,367
Well, I'm never
going to give up,
215
00:10:48,367 --> 00:10:49,834
and by the way, Steve,
216
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:52,400
what was Marcie's
maiden name?
217
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,868
It wouldn't have been
"Canuck" by any chance?
218
00:10:57,100 --> 00:11:00,334
Al, aren't you punishing
your family enough
219
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:02,767
by living with them?
220
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:03,868
Why punish them more
221
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:06,300
over one lousy
$80 phone bill?
222
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,234
One lousy
$80 phone bill?
223
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:11,234
Oh, forgive me,
O Sheik Achmed Rhoades.
224
00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:16,267
Peg, where's that spare 80
I use to light my cigars?
225
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:17,434
Hi.
226
00:11:17,434 --> 00:11:20,133
Oh, hi, Marcie.
Gee, thanks.
227
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,234
First, you say,
228
00:11:21,234 --> 00:11:23,067
"Oh, Steve, we'd only be
insulting the buffoon
229
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,300
if we missed
his stupid meeting,
230
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,200
then you don't show up.
231
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,534
Sorry, Steve,
but I was on the phone.
232
00:11:29,534 --> 00:11:31,701
You see,
there's an example
233
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:34,534
of America's obsession
with the telephone.
234
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:37,868
I was on the telephone
taking messages for your family.
235
00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:40,567
Peggy, your mother called.
236
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,167
Peggy,
your mother called.
237
00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:45,801
Peggy, your mother called.
238
00:11:45,801 --> 00:11:49,400
And, Peggy,
DIAL-A-STUD called.
239
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:54,067
They wanted to know
if you were okay
240
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,400
and to tell you Juan is back.
241
00:11:58,434 --> 00:12:01,033
Anything for me?
242
00:12:01,033 --> 00:12:02,534
No.
243
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:04,367
Oh.
244
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:11,467
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
245
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,934
[RING, RING]
246
00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:14,567
[RING, RING]
247
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,167
Kelly, it's for you!
248
00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:21,634
Thank you,
thank you, thank you,
249
00:12:21,634 --> 00:12:22,634
thank you, thank you.
250
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:24,367
Hello?
251
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:27,834
Hello?
252
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:41,567
Gee, I love doing that.
253
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:44,834
Now, see? Bud's handling
this the best way.
254
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,734
Good boy, Bud.
255
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,000
Now, I know that
you're all upset at me,
256
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,934
and you don't really understand
why I'm doing this,
257
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:55,133
but I will not
roll over and die,
258
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:57,133
and I will rest easy,
259
00:12:57,133 --> 00:13:00,968
because I sleep
the sleep of the righteous.
260
00:13:08,534 --> 00:13:09,634
Peg.
261
00:13:09,634 --> 00:13:10,868
Peg.
262
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:12,367
I can't sleep.
263
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,968
What can I do?
264
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,234
Well...
265
00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:17,734
Since we're not
using the telephone,
266
00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:20,734
we could wrap the cord
around your neck
267
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:23,734
and slowly tighten it
till the sandman comes.
268
00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:25,234
Ah, you women.
269
00:13:25,234 --> 00:13:29,400
You can't forget about
that maternal instinct, can you?
270
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,501
Good night, Al.
271
00:13:33,634 --> 00:13:35,067
Peg.
272
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:36,300
Remember a long time ago
273
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:38,434
when you wanted
this side of the bed?
274
00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:41,067
You know,
close to the window?
275
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:43,601
What was my reason
for not giving it to you?
276
00:13:43,601 --> 00:13:46,634
Well, let's see,
it was something like,
277
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:50,534
"I work, I make the money,
I deserve the air."
278
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:52,501
You know, it's funny, Peg.
279
00:13:52,501 --> 00:13:54,000
It took me 15 years to realize
280
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,501
that you were right
all the time.
281
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,400
See, I can't sleep
knowing you'd rather be here.
282
00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,501
Slide over, Peg.
283
00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:00,667
No, Al.
284
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:03,667
We need your feet
by the window.
285
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:07,367
They keep away
the mosquitoes.
286
00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:10,534
STEVE: Hey, Bundy!
Telephone!
287
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,300
It's 2:00 in the morning.
288
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,801
What do they want?
289
00:14:15,801 --> 00:14:19,334
It's Peggy's mother.
290
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:20,968
Oh, it's for you.
291
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:21,968
Oh.
292
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:30,067
Hi, Mom!
What do you want?
293
00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:34,300
STEVE: Your recipe
for raisin bread.
294
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:37,300
Tell her to get
a fresh loaf of bread,
295
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,434
a box of raisins,
and a hammer.
296
00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,601
All right.
297
00:14:44,601 --> 00:14:47,534
I just found the answer
to all our problems.
298
00:14:48,701 --> 00:14:50,467
Ta-dah!
299
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:55,200
We're all going to get
an allotment of dimes.
300
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,033
Then, when you have to make
a phone call,
301
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,400
you come to me.
302
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,400
And if I feel
the phone call is worthy,
303
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,901
I'll give you some dimes
304
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:05,901
to go down to the phone booth
at the gas station.
305
00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:10,734
See, once again,
problem... solution.
306
00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:12,834
Dad, sit down.
307
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:18,267
I worry to see
you slipping away.
308
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:19,767
You know,
this phone thing--
309
00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:22,767
how can I say this
without hurting you?
310
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:25,567
It's stupid.
311
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:27,767
I want to explain
something, son.
312
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:29,467
Is this going to be
long and boring?
313
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:32,400
Like the "Why did we
have Kelly" speech?
314
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:37,367
No, because I know
the answer to this one.
315
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:38,868
You see, the trouble
316
00:15:38,868 --> 00:15:41,367
with America today,
son, is this...
317
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:44,167
Nobody stands up
for anything anymore.
318
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:46,601
So can we have a phone?
319
00:15:46,601 --> 00:15:47,934
No.
320
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:49,167
No, but it's
pretty pathetic.
321
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:52,133
See, we used to have slogans
like "Don't tread on me,"
322
00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:53,634
"54-40 or fight,"
323
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:56,067
"Tippecanoe
and somebody too."
324
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:57,501
Then, all of a sudden,
325
00:15:57,501 --> 00:15:59,067
people stopped
standing up for themselves.
326
00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:02,567
Now we have slogans
like "Have a nice day,"
327
00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:04,167
"Make love, not war."
328
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:09,534
"Hi, I'm an American.
I'm sorry."
329
00:16:09,534 --> 00:16:10,901
What's that got to do
330
00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:12,200
with us being
the only people
331
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,033
in the free world
without a telephone?
332
00:16:14,033 --> 00:16:15,734
It's got everything
to do with it.
333
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,234
See, the point is,
334
00:16:17,234 --> 00:16:20,234
if they tried to
charge Thomas Jefferson
335
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:22,734
with a call
he didn't make,
336
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:25,767
the Boston Harbor would've
been full of phones,
337
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:26,968
and all the local women
338
00:16:26,968 --> 00:16:28,767
would've been
swimming around down there,
339
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:33,634
and we wouldn't have
had to hang them as witches.
340
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:36,667
So, you're kind of like
Thomas Jefferson?
341
00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:39,133
That I am, Bud.
342
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,334
Then why do they call him
a great man,
343
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,868
and they call you "butthead."
344
00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:49,868
Well, if that's
345
00:16:49,868 --> 00:16:52,300
a new word for "patriot,"
so be it.
346
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:53,934
Now, I'm going
down to the corner
347
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:56,167
with a letter
to the utility company
348
00:16:56,167 --> 00:16:58,133
to get rid of that light.
349
00:16:58,133 --> 00:16:59,868
Peg, do you want anything?
350
00:16:59,868 --> 00:17:02,601
Yes, but bigamy's
illegal in this state.
351
00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:06,934
Alrighty.
352
00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:08,534
I'll fill that baby with dimes,
353
00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:09,834
and we're going to learn
354
00:17:09,834 --> 00:17:12,834
you don't need a phone company
to have a phone.
355
00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:13,834
See you later.
356
00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:16,834
Say goodbye to Daddy's dream.
357
00:17:19,434 --> 00:17:23,868
Making raisin bread, Mom?
358
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,067
Not this time, honey.
359
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,400
Well, bye, Mom.
360
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,067
If you need me,
I'll be in the streets.
361
00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:33,667
Okay, but I don't think
I'll need you.
362
00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:36,501
And tell Daddy that
I am not moving back in
363
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:39,968
until we get a phone
or I get married.
364
00:17:39,968 --> 00:17:42,400
Kelly, honey,
there is no reason
365
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,400
for anyone to leave home.
366
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,400
We are not going to be
without a phone for much longer.
367
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,400
I've taken matters
into my own hands.
368
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,567
Now, kids, we need $80.
369
00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:56,067
There must be something
around here we can sell.
370
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:58,901
Kelly, quick.
Your liver.
371
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:00,400
For a phone?
372
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,234
I'll do it.
373
00:18:02,234 --> 00:18:03,634
Not yet, Kelly.
374
00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:05,100
Since this is
your father's fault,
375
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,467
I think we should start
with his things.
376
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:09,501
I'll get
his bowling ball.
377
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:11,501
I'll get
his fishing rods.
378
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:14,467
And I'll get his, uh...
well, that's all he's got.
379
00:18:17,734 --> 00:18:19,167
Hey, what's going on here?
380
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:21,801
Dad. The women--
381
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:24,534
They were going
to sell your stuff.
382
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:30,534
He makes
the money, Mom.
383
00:18:30,534 --> 00:18:32,434
We want a phone, Al.
384
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:33,934
I want a life.
385
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:35,934
Good luck to us all.
386
00:18:35,934 --> 00:18:37,434
We're serious, Dad.
387
00:18:37,434 --> 00:18:40,133
You can't beat
the phone company.
388
00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:41,534
I see.
389
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:43,801
So much for Bundy unity.
390
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:44,934
I'll tell you something.
391
00:18:44,934 --> 00:18:46,000
This is the first time
392
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,634
I've ever been ashamed
of my family.
393
00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:51,167
You'll get used to it, Al.
We did.
394
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:53,167
Well, get used to this.
395
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,167
We're not getting a phone
396
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:58,834
until the phone company
calls and apologizes to me.
397
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:01,434
Dad, is there anything
we can say
398
00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:02,734
to make you change
your mind,
399
00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:04,234
you know, like,
"We love you"?
400
00:19:04,234 --> 00:19:07,300
Or would you see
right through that?
401
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,868
I would.
402
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:11,868
Look, do you know what
the worst thing is
403
00:19:11,868 --> 00:19:16,567
for a fellow to grow up
and hear somebody call him?
404
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,701
A shoe salesman.
405
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,267
Worse.
406
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:23,901
A quitter.
407
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,901
See, if I quit right now,
408
00:19:25,901 --> 00:19:27,901
it would be like--
I don't know--
409
00:19:27,901 --> 00:19:30,267
quitting.
410
00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:31,834
So, Daddy,
if we stopped trying
411
00:19:31,834 --> 00:19:34,734
to make you
put the phone back in,
412
00:19:34,734 --> 00:19:36,601
wouldn't that
make us quitters?
413
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,567
Go to your room!
414
00:19:40,334 --> 00:19:41,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
415
00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:43,367
First thought
she's ever had,
416
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:45,300
and it has to be against me.
417
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:50,234
Steve, we have
a family thing going on.
418
00:19:50,234 --> 00:19:51,734
What do you want?
419
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:54,734
I'm delivering another
phone message for you.
420
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:56,067
Come on in.
421
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,534
I also have
a message of my own. Al.
422
00:19:58,534 --> 00:19:59,801
This is the last message
423
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:02,167
the Rhoades are taking
for the Bundys.
424
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:04,934
Fine. That's the last thing
we'll ever do for you too.
425
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:07,834
You don't do anything
for us now, Al.
426
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:11,334
So you've already got
a taste of our medicine.
427
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,701
What's the message?
428
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:16,701
Please, God,
let it be for me.
429
00:20:16,701 --> 00:20:19,100
It's for Peggy.
430
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,601
You lie!
431
00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:23,100
It's for me!
432
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:28,234
She's been under
a lot of stress lately.
433
00:20:28,234 --> 00:20:29,734
Oh, my God.
434
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:33,734
Who put these bugs
on my arms?
435
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,534
Who is it, Steve?
436
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,000
It's your mother.
437
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,834
She said to tell you
she's worried about you.
438
00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:40,100
She doesn't like
439
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:42,100
not being able
to talk to you every day,
440
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:46,334
so she's coming to stay until
you get your phone put back in.
441
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:53,167
How much time
do we have?
442
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:55,167
She was packing
her bags.
443
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:56,567
Great! Great!
We can still stop her.
444
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,067
She can't get
through her front door
445
00:20:58,067 --> 00:20:58,934
on the first try.
446
00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:03,901
Peg, quick, call her.
Use Steve's phone.
447
00:21:03,901 --> 00:21:05,400
Sure. Use Steve's phone,
wake Steve up,
448
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,400
let Steve take the message.
449
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,901
Well, the Steve stops here,
and my phone is off-limits.
450
00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:13,801
Give mom a hug for me.
451
00:21:16,868 --> 00:21:19,367
Oh, God.
What have I done?
452
00:21:19,367 --> 00:21:22,400
Get out the Sitz bath, kids.
Grandma's coming.
453
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,100
Look, Peg,
454
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,334
go down to
the phone booth.
455
00:21:25,334 --> 00:21:26,567
catch the woman
before she gets
456
00:21:26,567 --> 00:21:28,300
to the bottom
of the driveway,
457
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,601
because once
she's in motion,
458
00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:31,367
you can't stop her.
459
00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:32,901
Okay, Al,
460
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:34,901
but only
on one condition--
461
00:21:34,901 --> 00:21:37,033
that you pay
that phone bill.
462
00:21:37,033 --> 00:21:39,300
Done. You win.
But hurry.
463
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,334
Was that a tremor?
464
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:45,834
Oh, God. She must
be changing bras.
465
00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:47,100
Hurry!
466
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:48,334
Hurry!
467
00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:58,200
Yeah, Dad.
Mom got here safe and sound.
468
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,200
Mom, you want to say
hi to Dad?
469
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,534
[SNORING]
470
00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:06,534
She says she loves you.
471
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:09,534
Yeah, I talked her into
staying an extra week.
472
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:12,033
Al? Well, he was
a little upset
473
00:22:12,033 --> 00:22:15,033
that we couldn't stop her
before she'd left,
474
00:22:15,033 --> 00:22:17,033
but he did win one victory.
475
00:22:17,033 --> 00:22:19,934
He got them
to move that streetlight,
476
00:22:19,934 --> 00:22:21,767
so I'm sure
he's happy about that.
477
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,634
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:26,033
Well, Al, I got all the food
out of the refrigerator.
18
00:01:26,033 --> 00:01:27,634
You know, honey,
19
00:01:27,634 --> 00:01:30,067
I think it was real nice of you
to take Marcie's advice
20
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:32,667
and hire a woman
to fix the refrigerator.
21
00:01:32,667 --> 00:01:35,868
I wish I could hire
somebody to fill it.
22
00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:39,200
Dream on, Al.
23
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,534
Well, since someone's
24
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:43,634
going to be doing
some work in the kitchen,
25
00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:45,501
I guess I'd better
go upstairs and rest.
26
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:58,701
Well, I'm ready, Mr. Bundy.
27
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,067
Me too.
28
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,968
Let me just
check out the wiring.
29
00:02:06,968 --> 00:02:08,367
Take your time.
30
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,434
I'll just be looking
over your, uh...
31
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,467
shoulder.
32
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,534
Look at this.
33
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:21,534
Directions on how
to clean the oven.
34
00:02:21,534 --> 00:02:24,701
Still in its
original plastic.
35
00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,367
That's
the little woman's.
36
00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:28,901
I'll just go and put it up
in the attic with her iron.
37
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:32,400
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
38
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,901
Oh, excuse me.
Just keep looking.
39
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:39,667
What's the emergency, Al?
40
00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:41,534
It's in the kitchen.
41
00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:51,667
You brought me
all the way over here
42
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:53,167
just to see that?
43
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,834
Uh-huh.
44
00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:57,467
Thanks, Al.
45
00:02:57,467 --> 00:03:01,834
Oh, you know, Al,
this brings back memories.
46
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:06,200
I saw one of those
in college once.
47
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,200
I used to jog
behind her for hours.
48
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:13,200
I ran a marathon once
and didn't even know it.
49
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,367
Ahh. You know her name?
50
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:19,534
Yeah, but I'm
calling her Heidi.
51
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,100
You know, Al,
52
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,901
I feel kind of
like a pig,
53
00:03:23,901 --> 00:03:26,801
standing here,
enjoying myself,
54
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:28,033
staring at a poor,
unsuspecting woman
55
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:29,901
as if she were nothing
but a piece of meat.
56
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:33,868
Look, Al, she's moving.
57
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,834
Yeah, looks like
two little kittens
58
00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:40,968
playing gently
under some denim.
59
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:51,701
I think it looks
more like an apple, Al.
60
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:53,701
What kind
of apple, Steve?
61
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:58,434
A little red one.
62
00:03:58,434 --> 00:04:01,934
You know how they are
just before you pick--
63
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,767
You're a pig, Al.
64
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,000
Oh, hello, Marcie.
65
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,801
Well, I got to go
back to the shop
66
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:10,868
and get some more tools.
67
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:12,501
Hurry back.
68
00:04:14,234 --> 00:04:17,534
This is why you left
the PBS pledge drive?
69
00:04:19,734 --> 00:04:24,167
Well, this is something
like Masterpiece Theatre.
70
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:26,434
I can't believe it.
71
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,334
You're as bad as Al.
72
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:29,968
You're worse than Al.
73
00:04:29,968 --> 00:04:32,067
He's nothing but
a Neanderthal sexist,
74
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:33,534
but at least
he doesn't hide it.
75
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:34,734
Hide it?
76
00:04:34,734 --> 00:04:38,534
I got a T-shirt
that says it.
77
00:04:38,534 --> 00:04:41,400
I never thought
I would say this,
78
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,434
but Steven Rhoades,
under that sensitive,
caring facade,
79
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:46,100
you're nothing but a...
80
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,334
a man!
81
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:48,367
That's not true.
82
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,701
Oh, hi there,
Marcie.
83
00:04:53,701 --> 00:04:55,834
Peggy, do you know
what is going on
84
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:57,200
underneath your very own roof?
85
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,701
Well, we're rotting
our lives away,
86
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:02,334
but the kids
seem to enjoy it.
87
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:03,868
Not that.
88
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:07,200
Our husbands have been
ogling the repair girl.
89
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,601
That's repair woman.
90
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:11,868
Oh, Marcie, calm
down.
91
00:05:11,868 --> 00:05:14,334
Men will look
at anything.
92
00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:25,067
By the way, Marce,
what are you doing tonight?
93
00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:26,567
I don't know.
94
00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:29,033
Steve and I were going
to go to a fund raiser
95
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,067
for my women's group,
but since I think
96
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,501
he'd be spending
the whole evening
97
00:05:32,501 --> 00:05:33,934
looking up
the toastmaster's dress...
98
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:37,067
I guess free tonight.
99
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,567
Was it going to be
formal, Steve?
100
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,567
You know, a bunch
of 300-pound women
101
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:43,067
in crew cuts
and flannel shirts?
102
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,767
Well, actually,
some wear tweed.
103
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:47,567
Keep it up, Steven.
104
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:52,434
Just slide down
that evolutionary scale.
105
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:54,033
Yes, Peg, I believe
I'm free tonight.
106
00:05:54,033 --> 00:05:55,968
What did you
have planned?
107
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:57,968
Well, why don't you
come over tonight?
108
00:05:57,968 --> 00:05:59,601
Some of the neighborhood
girls are dropping by.
109
00:05:59,601 --> 00:06:01,834
Sounds like fun.
I'll bring a cake.
110
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:03,267
If there's
going to be a cake,
111
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:04,868
you'd better watch
your fingers setting it out.
112
00:06:04,868 --> 00:06:06,868
One of the girls
has been known
113
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,934
to debone a chicken
from across the room.
114
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:14,601
It wasn't from
across the room, Al.
115
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,701
I'll be here.
116
00:06:16,701 --> 00:06:19,534
Steve, I'm going home now.
117
00:06:19,534 --> 00:06:21,100
You...
118
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,067
You can put little mirrors
on your shoes
119
00:06:24,067 --> 00:06:26,901
and go downtown
for secretary lunchtime.
120
00:06:26,901 --> 00:06:29,234
Marce, come on,
so I stared at a hiney.
121
00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:32,601
Does that
make me a bad guy?
122
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,734
So, uh, Al...
123
00:06:35,734 --> 00:06:38,067
You were staring
at that girl too, huh?
124
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:40,567
Yeah.
125
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,033
I bet she had
great legs.
126
00:06:43,033 --> 00:06:44,734
Yeah.
127
00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,067
Good breasts?
128
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:47,734
Oh, yeah.
129
00:06:47,734 --> 00:06:49,567
You want
to go upstairs?
130
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:53,334
Yeah.
131
00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:55,868
Wait a minute. With you?
132
00:06:58,467 --> 00:07:00,334
Oh, yeah.
133
00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:10,801
Isn't there
any more cake?
134
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:15,133
Oh, sorry about
your finger, Marcie.
135
00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:19,667
That's okay.
It's only a flesh wound.
136
00:07:19,667 --> 00:07:21,200
I can't believe
your husbands
137
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,534
were staring
at that poor girl.
138
00:07:24,534 --> 00:07:27,501
You know, because
of men like that,
139
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:29,834
I don't even
wear shorts anymore.
140
00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:32,901
You're sure it wasn't
because of the guys
141
00:07:32,901 --> 00:07:35,501
with the harpoons?
142
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:41,234
Must he be here?
143
00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:43,200
We had sex today.
144
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,400
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
145
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,501
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
146
00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:49,868
That must be
the beef people.
147
00:07:54,734 --> 00:07:56,601
Is that the other pig?
148
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,467
It is.
149
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:00,834
Don't challenge
them, Steve.
150
00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:03,834
I've seen them
send stronger men than you
151
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:06,534
screaming to their graves.
152
00:08:06,534 --> 00:08:10,167
Anyway, Marce,
I brought you flowers.
153
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:13,200
Gee, Al, how come
you never bring me flowers?
154
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,834
We had sex today.
155
00:08:16,868 --> 00:08:18,200
Well, I know,
but something
156
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:22,367
I could enjoy
would be nice.
157
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:24,367
I'll remember that
next month
158
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,200
when you come begging.
159
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,334
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
160
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:34,000
Marcie, can I just
talk to you for a second?
161
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,367
Steve, please.
162
00:08:35,367 --> 00:08:38,734
I'm talking
with my new friends.
163
00:08:38,734 --> 00:08:43,701
Marcie, he's undressing me
with his eyes.
164
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:46,868
Madam, that
would take years.
165
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:52,901
Well, I'm tired of
sitting around the house.
166
00:08:52,901 --> 00:08:54,734
I do that all day long.
167
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,133
Why don't we
go out tonight?
168
00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:58,534
Someplace fun.
169
00:08:58,534 --> 00:09:00,901
Okay, girls,
I've got it.
170
00:09:00,901 --> 00:09:02,968
Let's go to Troy's.
171
00:09:04,434 --> 00:09:05,601
That's a good idea!
172
00:09:05,601 --> 00:09:08,067
I've been there.
173
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:09,734
That sounds like fun.
174
00:09:09,734 --> 00:09:10,601
What's Troy's?
175
00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:16,334
[WOMEN HOWLING]
176
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:49,334
Peggy, this is
a strip joint.
177
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:50,334
Oh, really?
178
00:09:50,334 --> 00:09:51,567
Gee, I didn't know.
179
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:53,901
You know, I've passed by
dozens of times,
180
00:09:53,901 --> 00:09:56,267
but I've never
actually been in.
181
00:09:56,267 --> 00:10:00,067
Oh, hi, Mrs. Bundy.
182
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:03,934
Hey, Mrs. Bundy,
what's going on?
183
00:10:03,934 --> 00:10:06,901
How you doing,
Big Red?
184
00:10:06,901 --> 00:10:10,067
Ok, so I've
been here... once.
185
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,234
Usual table,
Mrs. Bundy?
186
00:10:12,234 --> 00:10:13,367
But I tipped well.
187
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:33,501
Peggy, I can't believe
we're actually here.
188
00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:35,667
Does Al approve of you
coming to places like this?
189
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:37,667
Well, he's got
mixed feelings.
190
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:39,767
Actually,
he doesn't know.
191
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,400
Good evening, ladies.
Mrs. Bundy.
192
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,400
Can I get you anything?
193
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,601
Yes. We'll have
five of the usual.
194
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:50,200
Five strawberry fanny bangers
coming right up.
195
00:10:52,334 --> 00:10:54,434
[WOMEN MOANING]
196
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:02,934
Peggy, I'm feeling
a little uncomfortable here.
197
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:04,300
Oh, that's okay, Marcie.
198
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:07,000
It always takes me a while
to warm up too.
199
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:07,868
Gang way!
200
00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:26,467
Look at it, Steve.
201
00:11:34,634 --> 00:11:35,934
It's like two rhinos
202
00:11:35,934 --> 00:11:37,901
gently playing
under a tarp.
203
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:41,234
Well, Mr. Bundy,
204
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,300
I don't know who worked on
this baby before me,
205
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:45,534
but they sure didn't know
what they were doing.
206
00:11:46,801 --> 00:11:49,033
She knew what
she was doing.
207
00:11:49,033 --> 00:11:50,033
Just goes to show you,
208
00:11:50,033 --> 00:11:51,467
you want something
fixed right,
209
00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:53,334
hire an ugly man.
210
00:11:55,234 --> 00:11:58,067
You have
my utmost confidence.
211
00:11:58,067 --> 00:11:59,634
You know, Steve, 16 years ago,
212
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:02,634
Peg's father
came to me and said,
213
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,434
"Here, take it.
From me to you, it's yours.
214
00:12:04,434 --> 00:12:05,634
It's hardly been used."
215
00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:08,400
I should have known
there was something up.
216
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,400
Come to think of it,
217
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,901
he sold me
that refrigerator too.
218
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:15,901
Where do you think
the girls went, Al?
219
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,667
To a nice place. Away.
220
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:20,434
This is the first time
she's walked out
221
00:12:20,434 --> 00:12:22,234
without giving me
a chance to explain.
222
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:24,734
Well, what were you
going to explain, Steve?
223
00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:26,734
It's simple, Al,
I was going to explain
224
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:29,167
that while it might have
appeared we were looking
225
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,767
at that girl's rear end,
226
00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:34,701
so admirably hoisted
in the air before us,
227
00:12:34,701 --> 00:12:36,701
what I was
actually doing
228
00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:39,701
was looking
with admiration
229
00:12:39,701 --> 00:12:42,701
as I pondered how far
women have come
230
00:12:42,701 --> 00:12:46,467
in the last hundred,
nay, 50 years.
231
00:12:46,467 --> 00:12:50,067
Yeah, but she did
have a nice one, huh?
232
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,367
You betcha.
233
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:54,334
But I still feel
like a hypocrite.
234
00:12:54,334 --> 00:12:57,267
I mean, I give money
to women's causes.
235
00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:59,901
Look, Steve, it's good
for women to be gone
236
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:01,200
when they're mad at you.
237
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,667
It's good for women
to be gone,
238
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:05,133
but especially
when they're mad at you.
239
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,133
Because they go out there,
240
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,501
they see
what's available,
241
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:09,868
you know, those fat,
bald-headed little twerps
242
00:13:09,868 --> 00:13:11,901
that have no idea
how lucky they are
243
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:13,234
that they can't
get a woman,
244
00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:15,634
and they come crawling
back to you, thankful,
245
00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:18,100
knowing that there's no way
they can do better than us.
246
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,767
See, let's face it,
247
00:13:19,767 --> 00:13:21,234
you don't go fishing
for minnows
248
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,267
when you've got
Moby Dick at home.
249
00:13:32,234 --> 00:13:36,834
All that knowledge,
and you sell shoes.
250
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,601
Hey, Michelangelo
was just a painter,
251
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:39,667
but he did
other stuff too.
252
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:47,567
Well, Al, this may come
as a shock to you,
253
00:13:47,567 --> 00:13:48,567
but I love my wife.
254
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:49,968
I like being with her,
255
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:51,868
and I'm not happy
when she's mad at me.
256
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:54,934
So I'm going to find out
where this Troy'sis,
257
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:56,400
and I'm going to go
and apologize.
258
00:13:57,868 --> 00:14:00,801
Hey, Hot Tub Girls is on.
259
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,534
I don't care, Al.
260
00:14:04,534 --> 00:14:05,601
I'm going to go apologize.
261
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:11,734
See, Al, it's time
262
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:14,000
you joined
the 20th century.
263
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,000
Appreciate women for
what they have up here,
264
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,167
not for...
ho, they're huge.
265
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:27,267
What are you doing?
266
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:29,400
Hi, Bud.
Hi, Dad.
267
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,567
I just wanted to talk to you
about something.
268
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,501
Put a fire under it.
269
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:37,167
Daddy's trying
to help Steve.
270
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,100
It's about me and Kelly
271
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,534
having to go
to Grandma's this weekend.
272
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:41,868
What about it?
273
00:14:41,868 --> 00:14:45,200
Why are we being punished?
274
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,701
Why am I?
275
00:14:46,701 --> 00:14:48,701
Why are any of us?
276
00:14:48,701 --> 00:14:52,133
Are we done, Bud?
277
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:53,868
No, Dad.
278
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:56,367
Look, Grandma's
real nice and all,
279
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:57,868
but that said,
280
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:00,868
she smells.
281
00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:03,567
And she makes me
dance with her.
282
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,934
Oh, Bud, do what I do.
283
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:08,868
Ride on her feet.
284
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:10,367
Please, Dad, send Kelly.
285
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:11,868
She's used to dancing
286
00:15:11,868 --> 00:15:13,868
with smelly, old people
for money.
287
00:15:13,868 --> 00:15:16,934
Let me tell you something
about grandparents, son.
288
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:19,467
They're your roots.
They're your heritage.
289
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:22,467
And they're not going
to be around forever.
290
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:25,467
But they do own
some lakefront property.
291
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:26,901
You get my drift, son?
292
00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:28,300
Thanks, Dad.
293
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,834
You're welcome.
294
00:15:30,834 --> 00:15:34,901
So... that's what they mean
by quality time?
295
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:38,234
No, Steve. This is.
296
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:40,634
Mr. Bundy, can I use
your bathroom?
297
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:48,234
Uh... no.
298
00:15:48,234 --> 00:15:51,267
Well, then I'm
just about done then.
299
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:54,334
Did I just hear
a car pull up?
300
00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:55,834
What's wrong with you?
301
00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:57,634
You've got to be
the only guy in America
302
00:15:57,634 --> 00:16:00,467
who actually
wants his wife to come home.
303
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:03,100
Many's a night
I sit here,
304
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,100
looking across
at my wife,
305
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,434
as she's sitting over there,
much like you are,
306
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,033
and I look at her,
and I think...
307
00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:10,734
go home.
308
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:16,701
Then the horror hits me,
309
00:16:16,701 --> 00:16:18,701
because it dawns on me...
310
00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:21,701
she is home.
311
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:24,934
Now look what you've done.
You've depressed me.
312
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,067
Ooh.
313
00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:29,567
Daddy.
314
00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:31,067
It's like they know.
315
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,767
What is it, honey?
316
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:34,033
What's this about Bud
saying
317
00:16:34,033 --> 00:16:35,701
that only I have to go
to Grandma's?
318
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:37,400
You're both going.
319
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,334
Oh, come on, Dad.
It's just a waste of my time.
320
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:43,334
She can't even
tell us apart anyhow.
321
00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:44,834
She's always telling Bud
322
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,834
what a fine woman
he's growing into.
323
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:51,300
Then she sends me
out to chop wood.
324
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:53,367
They want to see you,
325
00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:56,367
and if you don't go to them,
they'll come here,
326
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:59,033
and we can't afford
to reglaze the bathtub.
327
00:16:59,033 --> 00:17:00,033
Go on upstairs and pack.
328
00:17:00,033 --> 00:17:01,434
Fine. But this time,
329
00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:04,434
Bud can help her
cross her legs
330
00:17:04,434 --> 00:17:06,300
because I want to have
children some day.
331
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:12,367
Al, you've got a...
332
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:13,934
lovely daughter.
333
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:15,934
Let me ask you this.
334
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,434
When she grows up,
335
00:17:17,434 --> 00:17:20,434
don't you want her
to be appreciated
336
00:17:20,434 --> 00:17:21,968
for more than just
her physical beauty?
337
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:26,100
Well, let's see, Steve,
how can I answer that?
338
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,367
Well, let's see.
339
00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,868
Kelly, honey, come on
down here a second.
340
00:17:29,868 --> 00:17:31,200
Come here a minute, sweetheart.
341
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,234
I want you to tell
Uncle Steve
342
00:17:34,234 --> 00:17:36,167
what your
guidance counselor said
343
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:39,167
what career you'd be
best suited for.
344
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:42,968
Lumber camp toy
or the other woman.
345
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,901
Thank you, sweetheart.
346
00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:52,467
You were saying, Steve?
347
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:55,868
Well, Mr. Bundy,
she's working.
348
00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:57,334
No, she's not.
349
00:17:57,334 --> 00:17:59,334
She's out
with the girls.
350
00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:01,334
How much do I owe you?
351
00:18:01,334 --> 00:18:02,501
80 bucks.
352
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:07,033
$80 to fix
a big, hulking thing
that won't work,
353
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,300
and $20 to marry one.
354
00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:11,534
Wait a second.
355
00:18:11,534 --> 00:18:14,133
This is where
I hide my money.
356
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:16,734
Where did my money go?
357
00:18:44,734 --> 00:18:48,234
They keep it awfully
hot in here, don't they?
358
00:18:48,234 --> 00:18:52,033
Peggy, you just put a dollar
down that man's pants. Why?
359
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:55,300
Because my checkbook
makes him walk funny.
360
00:18:58,767 --> 00:19:00,901
How long are we
going to be here?
361
00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:05,701
Not long. Just long
enough to spend this.
362
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,434
Oh, my God!
363
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,200
All right. That was
our construction worker.
364
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,400
He's got a tool
for every occasion.
365
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:41,767
I think I should be going.
366
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:42,934
And now, ladies,
367
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:45,367
let's give
a big Troy'swelcome
368
00:19:45,367 --> 00:19:46,868
for our Latin lover...
369
00:19:46,868 --> 00:19:49,000
El Zorro!
370
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,334
Hola, muchacho!
371
00:20:58,267 --> 00:21:00,267
Marcie, tip him.
372
00:21:00,267 --> 00:21:02,767
Go on! Go on!
Tip him! Tip him!
373
00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:05,934
I'm not putting money
down a man's pants.
374
00:21:05,934 --> 00:21:07,400
It's dirty...
375
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,634
it's immoral...
376
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:10,501
it's degrading.
377
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:15,701
Dollars! Dollars!
378
00:21:15,701 --> 00:21:17,267
Give me more dollars!
379
00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:18,901
Marcie, calm down!
380
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,667
Zorro doesn't come back
unless you give him dollars.
381
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,033
Hey, Zorro!
382
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:30,734
Bump it back this way, honey!
383
00:21:33,033 --> 00:21:34,400
That a boy!
384
00:21:53,634 --> 00:21:56,200
It's always
the quiet ones.
385
00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:01,634
* You'd better
Hold on to me... *
386
00:22:01,634 --> 00:22:02,868
[WOMAN MOANING]
387
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:24,734
My wedding ring!
It's gone!
388
00:22:24,734 --> 00:22:26,901
Peggy, I've lost
my wedding ring
389
00:22:26,901 --> 00:22:27,868
down Zorro's pants!1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,934
NARRATOR: Last week
on Married With Children...
18
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:21,934
I saw one of those
in college once.
19
00:01:21,934 --> 00:01:24,467
I used to jog
behind her for hours.
20
00:01:24,467 --> 00:01:27,467
I ran a marathon once
and didn't even know it.
21
00:01:27,467 --> 00:01:30,200
The girls
caught the guys ogling,
22
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,200
and figured
what's good for the gander
23
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,634
is good for the goose.
24
00:01:35,634 --> 00:01:38,067
Peggy! This is
a strip joint!
25
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:39,067
Oh, really?
26
00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:40,567
Gee, I didn't know.
27
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,067
You know, I've passed
by dozens of times,
28
00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:45,901
but I've never
actually been in.
29
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:49,634
Oh, hi, Mrs. Bundy.
30
00:01:49,634 --> 00:01:53,834
At first, Marcie didn't
think she'd like it, but...
31
00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:55,601
It's always
the quiet ones.
32
00:01:59,601 --> 00:02:01,467
Peggy, I've lost
my wedding ring
33
00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:03,100
down Zorro's pants!
34
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:06,634
And now
Married With Children
continues...
35
00:02:06,634 --> 00:02:08,701
All right, ladies,
let's hear it!
36
00:02:08,701 --> 00:02:10,434
That was Zorro!
37
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:13,601
He's got my ring.
What are going to do?
38
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,400
Uh... treasure hunt!
39
00:02:18,601 --> 00:02:20,400
Hold it right there, ladies.
40
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,367
Listen, we've got
to get backstage.
41
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:26,901
We've got to get something
out of Zorro's pants.
42
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:29,167
That old story again,
Mrs. Bundy.
43
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:30,601
But this is
an emergency.
44
00:02:30,601 --> 00:02:31,801
Yeah, right.
45
00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:33,801
Look, lady,
we used to let women backstage
46
00:02:33,801 --> 00:02:35,133
until the big riot.
47
00:02:35,133 --> 00:02:37,133
Now nobody's
allowed back there.
48
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:41,534
We call it
"The Bundy rule."
49
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:43,033
It's my wedding ring.
50
00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:45,267
I want it back,
or I'll see you in court.
51
00:02:45,267 --> 00:02:46,767
I don't think so.
52
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,567
You see,
"Troy's is not responsible
53
00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:52,067
for valuables lost
in any part of a dancer."
54
00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:55,334
Once again,
"The Bundy rule."
55
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:58,067
What are we
going to do?
56
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:01,167
I know! I'll write
Zorro a note.
57
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:03,167
That's it!
He'll read it,
58
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:06,200
He'll find my ring,
bring it over tomorrow,
59
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,300
Steve will answer
the door, kill me...
60
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,801
No, that won't work.
61
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,801
I'll write a note,
but I'll give him
62
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:15,801
your phone number
and address--
63
00:03:15,801 --> 00:03:17,601
that is,
if you don't mind.
64
00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:18,601
Sure, I don't mind,
65
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:20,100
as long as he comes over
66
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:23,567
before what's-his-name
gets home from work.
67
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:30,334
Ooh!
68
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:31,534
Oh, thanks, Peggy.
69
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:35,367
You really are
the very best friend I've got.
70
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:45,901
WOMEN: Share! Share!
Share! Share!
71
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,334
Al...
72
00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:12,868
Wake up, honey.
It's... that time.
73
00:04:15,734 --> 00:04:21,000
Al...
74
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,300
Aah!
75
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:27,133
Oh, good. You're up.
76
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:29,834
Are you in
the mood, honey?
77
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:33,267
Oh, no.
78
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:35,667
Oh, yes.
But first...
79
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:45,901
PEGGY: Yee-haw!
80
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:59,434
* I've got spurs *
81
00:04:59,434 --> 00:05:04,300
* That jingle jangle jingle **
82
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:09,400
Mom, was there a little
earthquake here last night?
83
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,767
because the walls were shaking
and I heard Dad screaming.
84
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:16,667
Well, he scares easily.
85
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:18,200
I slept through it.
86
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,133
Must have been
a short one.
87
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:25,968
Several short ones.
88
00:05:25,968 --> 00:05:28,801
Are you ready
for Grandma's, kids?
89
00:05:28,801 --> 00:05:30,801
You got
your room deodorizers?
90
00:05:30,801 --> 00:05:32,100
Yes, Mom.
Yes, Mom.
91
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:34,834
Toilet seat covers?
92
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,133
Yes, Mom.
Yes, Mom.
93
00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:38,934
Flea and tick spray?
94
00:05:38,934 --> 00:05:40,033
Yes, Mom.
Yes, Mom.
95
00:05:40,033 --> 00:05:41,901
Well, then you're ready.
96
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:42,901
[HORN HONKS]
97
00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,400
Oh, there's your taxi.
98
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,100
Please, Mom.
Don't do this!
99
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,734
Bud, honey,
be strong.
100
00:05:49,734 --> 00:05:52,767
I'll see you in a couple
of days.
101
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:55,968
We love you, Mom.
102
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:59,367
But not today.
103
00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:00,868
Oh, and kids, remember!
104
00:06:00,868 --> 00:06:02,367
When you say hello,
105
00:06:02,367 --> 00:06:04,834
Grandpa is the one
with the hair.
106
00:06:06,968 --> 00:06:08,467
Any sign of Zorro?
107
00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:14,834
No, but I think I slept with
Speedy Gonzalez last night.
108
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,734
Steve is going to go crazy.
109
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:18,701
My wedding ring's
gone forever.
110
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:20,200
Oh, Marcie, calm down.
111
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,968
Men don't notice
things like that.
112
00:06:22,968 --> 00:06:24,501
Not Steven.
113
00:06:24,501 --> 00:06:26,000
He notices everything.
114
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,200
Do you know what we do
in bed sometimes?
115
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,267
Yeah, Bud tells us.
116
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,033
Oh.
117
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:37,534
Well, anyway,
118
00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:39,934
Steve and I lie in bed,
119
00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:42,934
put our ring fingers
together.
120
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:45,434
We stare at
our wedding bands,
121
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:47,934
then kiss.
122
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:49,934
So Bud made that up
123
00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:51,200
about Little Bo Peep
and the cop?
124
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:59,467
Yes, he did.
125
00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:00,968
Oh, what's the difference?
126
00:07:00,968 --> 00:07:05,868
Steve will never
pull me over again!
127
00:07:05,868 --> 00:07:09,901
How can I tell him
I lost my wedding ring?
128
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,868
It's an irreplaceable symbol
of our love everlasting.
129
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:13,901
Buy a cheap copy.
130
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:16,601
Yeah!
131
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,767
* I am woman
Wife and mother *
132
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:23,133
* I earn money
Like no other *
133
00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:26,200
* I give him back rubs
Do his laundry *
134
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:30,834
* And have dinner on the table
When he's hungry **
135
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:35,033
Impossible Dream Pantyhose...
136
00:07:35,033 --> 00:07:37,067
for the self-deluded.
137
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:39,934
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
138
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,167
How you doing?
139
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:51,534
I'm sorry, Kelly's
at her grandmother's.
140
00:07:51,534 --> 00:07:53,234
Actually, I'm looking
for Marcie Rhoades.
141
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:55,701
She live here?
142
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:57,200
Practically.
143
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,767
Who wants to know?
144
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,267
I'm Raul.
145
00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:02,868
You know, Zorro.
146
00:08:02,868 --> 00:08:07,801
Yeah, I'm Al.
You know, suspicious.
147
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:09,300
Al? Al Bundy?
148
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,300
You're married
to Big Red,
149
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:14,300
the rich woman
with the sharp nails?
150
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,801
Who are you?
151
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:18,400
I'm an exotic dancer
at Troy's.
152
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,400
Gee, that's great.
153
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,868
Listen, I'd invite you in,
but instead,
154
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:24,567
I'll just kick
the crap out of you.
155
00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:26,234
Oh, then perhaps
I'll just deliver
156
00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:27,567
my message and run.
157
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,567
Your wife's friend,
Mrs. Rhoades,
158
00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:32,067
the one we call
"The Tentacle,"
159
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:34,133
she lost her wedding
ring down my pants
160
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,067
during the show last night,
161
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:38,634
and I'm just
dropping it off to her.
162
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,133
Come in.
163
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:55,067
Raul, is it?
164
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,667
Well, actually,
it's Wilbur.
165
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:58,968
But I think I'm
too good-looking
166
00:08:58,968 --> 00:09:00,167
to be a Wilbur.
167
00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:01,667
Yeah, you betcha.
168
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,667
Listen, exactly
what was Marcie doing
169
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:06,734
when she lost
her ring down your, uh...
170
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:08,467
underpants, was it?
171
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:09,968
Yeah. She was tipping me.
172
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:13,234
Could you see to it
that she gets this ring?
173
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:15,767
As much as you believe
you're too good-looking
174
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:17,868
to be a Wilbur,
believe she'll get it.
175
00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:19,367
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
176
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:20,801
Thank you, Raul.
177
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:23,000
Oh, by the way, if my wife
should happen to lose
178
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,033
anything down your pants,
179
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,234
so will you.
180
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,801
Hasta luego,
Mr. Bundy.
181
00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:32,968
Right back at you.
182
00:09:37,267 --> 00:09:40,434
"To our everlasting love.
Steven."
183
00:09:40,434 --> 00:09:41,934
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
184
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:45,801
Gee, I hope that's Steve.
185
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:47,300
Hi, Steve.
186
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,801
Hi, Al. Who's the guy
in the black Porsche?
187
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,300
Santa Claus.
188
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,801
Come on in.
189
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,167
So Steve,
how's Marcie doing?
190
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:56,934
Is she still mad
at you, buddy?
191
00:09:56,934 --> 00:09:58,467
Oh, I don't know.
192
00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,467
She said she forgave me,
193
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,467
but I could tell
she was still tense.
194
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:05,200
She just sat there
with her hands in her pockets,
195
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,467
staring at the floor.
196
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:08,534
I feel like dirt, Al.
197
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:12,634
We'll get back to that later.
198
00:10:12,634 --> 00:10:16,067
But first, let me tell you
something about women.
199
00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:18,133
Uh-oh.
200
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,434
See, women love us
201
00:10:19,434 --> 00:10:21,801
to look at them
like slabs of beef.
202
00:10:21,801 --> 00:10:24,734
You think they wear
those tight-fitting clothes
203
00:10:24,734 --> 00:10:26,734
just so some other
broad can say,
204
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:30,467
"Gee, your hips
look succulent"?
205
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:31,601
I mean, some do,
206
00:10:31,601 --> 00:10:32,601
but they become
gym teachers,
207
00:10:32,601 --> 00:10:35,300
and I'm talking
about women.
208
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,767
I mean, let's
face it, Steve,
209
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,934
until they get married,
they care how they look.
210
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,200
But what else do they have?
211
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:47,434
Brains? Wit? Ech.
Forget it.
212
00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:49,000
The good-looking ones
know we're looking.
213
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,267
They love us
to be looking,
214
00:10:50,267 --> 00:10:51,701
and God bless them,
215
00:10:51,701 --> 00:10:55,834
they're carrying
the rest of their sex.
216
00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:59,734
Al, I'm an educated man.
217
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:01,634
Don't you think
I know all that?
218
00:11:01,634 --> 00:11:03,300
It's just that
I feel so guilty.
219
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:05,467
Every time I look
at Marcie's face,
220
00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:08,300
all I can see
is that girl's hiney.
221
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:09,601
It's wrong, Al.
222
00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:12,067
I feel unworthy
of someone like Marcie.
223
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,801
Yeah. She is
a special person.
224
00:11:14,801 --> 00:11:17,801
By the way,
here's her wedding ring
225
00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:20,801
that she lost down
some guy's jock
226
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:22,334
at a strip club
last night.
227
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:30,901
Anyway, how do you like
those Bears this year?
228
00:11:30,901 --> 00:11:32,701
Oh, wait a second, Al.
229
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:33,834
What's this about
230
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:35,801
Marcie losing
her wedding ring?
231
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:37,300
Oh, yeah, yeah, here.
232
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,300
Yeah, I got it
from the guy
233
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:44,534
whose underpants
they were wedged in,
234
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:46,534
but I wouldn't worry
about it, Steve.
235
00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:48,000
He's just some stripper
named Zorro,
236
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,501
and I'm sure
it was nothing--
237
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:50,901
you know, no affair
that was important
238
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,133
or anything like that.
239
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,534
In fact,
knowing Marcie as I do,
240
00:11:53,534 --> 00:11:56,033
she probably lost it
with dignity
241
00:11:56,033 --> 00:11:58,801
because as we all know,
242
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:05,834
we're dirt
and she's evolved.
243
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:07,634
I can't believe it.
My wife's wedding ring.
244
00:12:07,634 --> 00:12:09,801
Steve, if I thought
you were going to be upset,
245
00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:12,767
I never would've told you.
246
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:20,300
What I'm giving you
there is a present.
247
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,801
See, that's more
than a wedding ring.
248
00:12:22,801 --> 00:12:24,968
What you have there
is what I like to call
249
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:26,300
a get-out-of-jail
free card.
250
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,801
See, you can hold it,
251
00:12:27,801 --> 00:12:30,901
save it,
use it for anything.
252
00:12:30,901 --> 00:12:32,434
She's got all this,
253
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:37,767
and she goes
to a strip joint?
254
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,767
Hey, you could've knocked me
over with a feather.
255
00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:42,767
But getting back
to something more important--
256
00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:45,267
how do we make her pay?
257
00:12:45,267 --> 00:12:46,767
I got it.
258
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,534
The next time she holds
one of those
259
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,267
women's group meetings
over at her house,
260
00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:51,501
you stroll in, you say,
261
00:12:51,501 --> 00:12:54,267
"Hey, eight women in the house
and I got dirty dishes?"
262
00:12:54,267 --> 00:12:57,767
Let them get mad,
pat the ring in your pocket,
263
00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:02,767
make the mark
of the "Z."
264
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:06,467
Al, I am going
to have a Stepford wife.
265
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:07,968
Attaboy!
266
00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:10,634
Do me one favor.
267
00:13:10,634 --> 00:13:13,634
When you strip away
every ounce of humanity,
268
00:13:13,634 --> 00:13:16,133
every shred of pride
she has,
269
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:19,634
just when she's bending down
to kiss your feet,
270
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:22,133
tell her
you got the ring...
271
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:23,667
from Al Bundy.
272
00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:37,234
Hey, I've done a good thing.
273
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,434
I deserve a reward.
274
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:43,367
And now, ladies,
the shoe salesman!
275
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,834
[GARGLING]
276
00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:06,434
Hi, honey.
I was just going to tuck you in.
277
00:15:06,434 --> 00:15:08,868
Well, go ahead.
278
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,400
I don't feel
like it anymore.
279
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:17,400
Sit down,
sweetie puss.
280
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,434
Honey...
281
00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:22,934
What's Troy's?
282
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:24,434
Uh, well, uh...
283
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:27,934
You know, it's this place
where I go with the girls,
284
00:15:27,934 --> 00:15:31,868
and we sit and swap recipes
and talk about the kids.
285
00:15:31,868 --> 00:15:34,734
And put dollar bills
down guys' underpants.
286
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,234
Well, that too.
I'm going to turn in.
287
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:39,334
It's a funny thing, Peg,
but the other day,
288
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:41,200
I went to pay
the repairman,
289
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,801
and when I looked
for my money--
290
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:44,801
darned if every cent
wasn't gone.
291
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:48,868
Oh, those kids!
292
00:15:48,868 --> 00:15:51,100
All right, Peg.
293
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:54,634
Just how much of my money
has found its way
294
00:15:54,634 --> 00:15:57,501
into the crotches
of dancing, oily men?
295
00:15:57,501 --> 00:15:59,501
How would I know, Al?
296
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,133
I don't count it,
I just shove it in.
297
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:06,400
Well, that's that, then.
298
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,901
Oh, uh, Big Red...
299
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:12,400
you know,
I've been thinking.
300
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,400
Remember
about a month ago,
301
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:20,400
one night you came back
from swapping recipes...
302
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,400
strangely,
how could I say,
303
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:28,434
horny as a toad.
304
00:16:28,434 --> 00:16:31,434
That day I gave you
some money
305
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:34,434
to have the brakes
on my car fixed.
306
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:40,434
Do I have any brakes
on my car, Peg?
307
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:41,834
No, Al.
308
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,434
And remember you told me
309
00:16:45,434 --> 00:16:48,434
that the kids needed money
for a school project?
310
00:16:48,434 --> 00:16:51,167
We don't really sponsor
a Korean family, do we, Peg?
311
00:16:54,434 --> 00:16:56,334
No, Al.
312
00:16:56,334 --> 00:16:57,934
And Kelly's
contact lenses?
313
00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,467
Uh...
314
00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:02,467
So the big frost
didn't really drive up
315
00:17:02,467 --> 00:17:03,968
the price of Tang?
316
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:07,467
But we still do have
the Bundy funeral plot?
317
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:10,467
Um...
318
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:12,968
Well, how about
the kids, Peg?
319
00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:15,968
Did they really go
to your mother's house,
320
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,734
or do they belong
to Arabs now?
321
00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:21,968
That really hurts, Al.
322
00:17:21,968 --> 00:17:24,467
I can't believe
you don't trust me.
323
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:25,968
Okay, Peg.
324
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:29,467
From now on, I want your
shopping receipts notarized.
325
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:33,501
From now on, I check eyes,
teeth, vet bills, school books.
326
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:35,634
Oh, and you know
our joint checking account?
327
00:17:35,634 --> 00:17:37,834
I want to know
what bank it's in.
328
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,400
Well, in my defense, Al,
329
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,334
these are superb men.
330
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,901
Don't push it, Peg.
331
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,400
Now, I'm going to bed.
332
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,901
I don't want you ever
going to Troy'sagain.
333
00:17:53,901 --> 00:17:57,100
From now on, you
and Troy'sare history.
334
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:07,801
Good night, Al.
335
00:18:13,934 --> 00:18:14,934
Al--
336
00:18:14,934 --> 00:18:16,801
No!
337
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:29,267
* Da da da
Da da dum *
338
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:32,434
* Da da ta ta *
339
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:35,434
* Dum dum dum *
340
00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:38,133
* Dum dum dum *
341
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:42,901
* Dum **
342
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:48,167
Al, your breakfast
is almost ready.
343
00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:54,000
Hey, is everybody happy?
344
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,400
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
345
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,901
Oh, God, yes!
346
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:00,334
What a dad!
347
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:17,801
I don't want you thinking
about Troy's,either.
348
00:19:21,434 --> 00:19:22,801
Yes, dear.
349
00:19:31,267 --> 00:19:32,767
No, Marcie,
350
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,934
I don't think the floor
is clean enough.
351
00:19:34,934 --> 00:19:38,434
Wash it again...
with your hair.
352
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:40,300
MARCIE:
Steve, I'm home.
353
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:49,434
Hi.
354
00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:51,434
Hi. Where have
you been?
355
00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:52,934
Out shopping with Peg.
356
00:19:52,934 --> 00:19:55,934
Gee, that's
the second night in a row
357
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,133
you've been out
with Peggy.
358
00:19:57,133 --> 00:19:59,267
Oh, well, I guess
you're a good example for her.
359
00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:02,934
Hmm? Oh, well,
I try to be.
360
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:04,567
You know, Steve, I think
361
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:07,434
I've been too hard on you
these past two days.
362
00:20:07,434 --> 00:20:08,934
Oh?
363
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:10,434
Yes. I mean,
there's nothing wrong
364
00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:12,934
with looking at
another human being
365
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:14,434
and appreciating
their form.
366
00:20:14,434 --> 00:20:15,934
Oh?
367
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:18,968
Yes. I mean, I was wrong
to yell at you
368
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,968
for looking
at that girl.
369
00:20:20,968 --> 00:20:22,467
So you forgive me?
370
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:23,968
That's big of you.
371
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:26,434
Oh, Steven...
372
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,000
you're the most
wonderful husband
373
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,434
in the world.
374
00:20:29,434 --> 00:20:30,801
I'm the one
375
00:20:30,801 --> 00:20:32,434
who should
apologize to you.
376
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:33,801
There's nothing wrong
377
00:20:33,801 --> 00:20:35,434
with a little
physical attraction.
378
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:36,567
After all, that's
379
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:38,868
what first attracted
me to you.
380
00:20:38,868 --> 00:20:40,267
Well, I guess I am
sort of
381
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:44,367
the whole
ball of wax.
382
00:20:44,367 --> 00:20:49,367
I remember the first
time I saw you,
383
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:53,901
running that marathon.
384
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:55,400
Your arms were tense,
385
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,400
your chest was heaving.
386
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,901
there were tears
in your eyes,
387
00:20:59,901 --> 00:21:02,400
but still
you tried to catch
388
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,400
that woman in the lead.
389
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,400
I love you, Steve.
390
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,400
Do you forgive me?
391
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,400
Of course I do.
392
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,901
Oh! Um...
this came for you.
393
00:21:12,901 --> 00:21:16,400
Somebody dropped
it off at Al's.
394
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,334
What is it?
395
00:21:22,901 --> 00:21:24,400
I don't know.
396
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,367
It was for you.
397
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:38,968
MARCIE:
All right!
398
00:21:42,767 --> 00:21:46,801
[TOILET FLUSHES]
399
00:21:49,801 --> 00:21:51,934
So what was it?
400
00:21:51,934 --> 00:21:54,901
Oh... coupons.
401
00:21:54,901 --> 00:21:56,400
From Peg.
402
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,434
So I tore them up in little bits
403
00:21:58,434 --> 00:22:00,434
and flushed them
down the toilet.
404
00:22:00,434 --> 00:22:01,934
I love you, Steve.
405
00:22:04,434 --> 00:22:06,334
I love you, Marcie.
406
00:22:25,501 --> 00:22:29,367
So you lost your ring
down Zorro's pants, huh?
407
00:22:42,334 --> 00:22:44,601
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:21,968
Monday, 3:00,
People's Court.
18
00:01:21,968 --> 00:01:27,434
3:30... Wheel of Fortune.
19
00:01:27,434 --> 00:01:30,734
4:00...
20
00:01:30,734 --> 00:01:32,901
my time.
21
00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:36,000
Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?
22
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,567
He went to get a haircut.
23
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:39,434
He didn't need a haircut.
24
00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:41,834
I know, but that's
where he and his friends
25
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:44,067
like to sit around
and talk about
26
00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:47,200
all they could have been
in life,
27
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,100
so it shouldn't be long. Why?
28
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:53,100
He promised to give me
another driving lesson today...
29
00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:56,100
unless you'd like
to do it. Please?
30
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,100
Well, what's wrong
with your father?
31
00:01:58,100 --> 00:02:01,133
He won't let me
adjust the seat,
32
00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:04,133
he keeps his foot
poised over the brake,
33
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:05,734
and he yells,
"Red light!
34
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,133
Stop! Stop! Stop!"
35
00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:09,634
when it's still
three blocks away.
36
00:02:09,634 --> 00:02:12,634
I just know my roots
are coming in gray.
37
00:02:12,634 --> 00:02:15,634
And you know what the most
irritating thing at all is?
38
00:02:15,634 --> 00:02:18,868
The way he spits
out the window.
39
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:21,634
No, It's instead of
listening to real music,
40
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:24,300
he cranks up
the oldies station.
41
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:26,000
Well, don't worry
about it, honey.
42
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,300
Tomorrow, you'll pass
your driving test
43
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,801
and have
your very own license.
44
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:34,567
RADIO:
* Rollin', rollin' *
45
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,167
* Rollin' on the river-- *
46
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:38,100
Well, Daddy's home.
47
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:42,601
I'll go get my jacket
and my earplugs.
48
00:02:42,601 --> 00:02:45,100
Peg, sell the house!
49
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,334
Why, Al?
50
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:49,667
Did you see a shirt
somewhere you'd like?
51
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:55,400
Yes. It said,
"Congratulate me. Wife's dead."
52
00:02:57,601 --> 00:03:00,601
Down in the barbershop,
I got a tip on a horse.
53
00:03:00,601 --> 00:03:03,734
It's fate, Peg.
His name is "Dr. Footwear."
54
00:03:06,801 --> 00:03:09,968
Get it? "Dr. Footwear."
55
00:03:09,968 --> 00:03:11,334
I sell shoes.
56
00:03:13,634 --> 00:03:16,634
Anyhow, he's running
this Sunday at Arlington.
57
00:03:16,634 --> 00:03:18,634
The great part is...
58
00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:20,901
he's never won a race!
59
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,734
Al, does this story
have a point, or does it just
60
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:27,868
sort of go on endlessly,
like our marriage?
61
00:03:29,901 --> 00:03:31,367
Gee, Peg,
when you act like this,
62
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,267
I just want to throw you
on the floor
63
00:03:33,267 --> 00:03:34,968
and make love to you.
64
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:37,901
Either that
or just throw you on the floor.
65
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,200
Let's get back
to the horse.
66
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,033
They're holding him back
to run up the odds,
67
00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:44,100
which, this Sunday,
68
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,100
will be a minimum
of 20 to 1.
69
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:49,000
This is our chance
to really make it big.
70
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,234
I've got to get
betting money.
71
00:03:50,234 --> 00:03:52,868
Is there anything that we have
we don't use anymore
72
00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,067
that we can sell?
73
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,000
Yes, but who'd want
to buy your toothbrush?
74
00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,901
You're such
a big help, Peg.
75
00:03:59,901 --> 00:04:00,901
It's like that old saying,
76
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:02,434
"Behind every empty
shell of a man
77
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:04,067
is one of your relatives."
78
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:06,067
Ready to take me
driving, Daddy?
79
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:08,567
What's the big rush
about getting a license?
80
00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:10,033
I mean, do you think
81
00:04:10,033 --> 00:04:11,601
that driving a car
is glamorous?
82
00:04:11,601 --> 00:04:14,100
Well, it's not as glamorous
like hitching with pervos,
83
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,267
but I still want to drive.
84
00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:17,634
Well, what about the bus?
85
00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:19,634
Yeah, that's great, Dad,
crammed together with
86
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:22,801
a bunch of sweaty strangers
who don't speak any English
87
00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:28,100
except for, "Hey, Blondie,
look at this."
88
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:31,100
Daddy just doesn't want
to pay the insurance, dear.
89
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,000
Oh, no,
that's my pleasure, Peg,
90
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,901
even though my rates
will skyrocket
91
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:37,400
because you're underage,
and I'm paying a special rate
92
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,334
for the Bumper Car Queen
over here.
93
00:04:40,334 --> 00:04:44,033
Well, I know why you don't
want me to drive,
94
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:45,934
and it's not
the insurance.
95
00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:47,634
Your little girl
is growing up,
96
00:04:47,634 --> 00:04:49,567
and you can't bear
to let her go, huh?
97
00:04:53,033 --> 00:04:56,901
No, it's the insurance.
98
00:04:56,901 --> 00:04:58,901
Take her out, Al.
99
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,901
Yeah, take her out,
100
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,400
buy her clothes.
She needs books.
101
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,267
Get her some medicine.
102
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:07,133
When will it all end?
103
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:09,400
Sure, sure,
I get one day off a week,
104
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,400
and what do I wind up doing?
Spending it with my family.
105
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,334
Oh, God!
106
00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:17,601
Saturday, 11:00 p.m.,
107
00:05:17,601 --> 00:05:20,100
make love.
108
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:22,901
11:05...
109
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:26,901
Al goes to sleep.
110
00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:31,868
11:06, finish making love.
111
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:39,100
Hi, Mom. If anything
should happen to me,
112
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,334
don't believe that
113
00:05:40,334 --> 00:05:42,601
I jumped in front
of Kelly's car.
114
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:44,801
She's been telling me
when she gets her license,
115
00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:46,100
I'm car meat.
116
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:48,100
Oh, Bud, she's just
teasing you.
117
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,701
The last time
she teased me like that,
118
00:05:49,701 --> 00:05:52,400
I woke up bald.
119
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,300
Well, yeah,
120
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,901
but then you got to be Kojak
for Halloween.
121
00:05:57,901 --> 00:06:00,901
Kelly's the worst driver
in the world.
122
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:03,067
Daddy got a ticket.
123
00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,567
Hi, Kelly.
124
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:05,434
Hi... car meat.
125
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,567
Mom...
126
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:11,868
Go out and play, Bud.
127
00:06:11,868 --> 00:06:13,834
Watch out for cars.
128
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,067
I can't believe this.
129
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:21,067
"Let's have kids."
130
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:23,067
Now I get a ticket.
131
00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:25,901
Driving with
your shoes off, Al?
132
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:28,767
No. We were stopped
for a busted tail-light,
133
00:06:28,767 --> 00:06:30,434
and then Dad got another ticket
134
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,634
because his license
expired last month.
135
00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:36,400
Oh, Al, that means
it was your birthday last month.
136
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,267
Happy birthday, honey.
137
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,334
You know what
this means, Mom,
138
00:06:43,334 --> 00:06:45,033
is that Dad has to take
139
00:06:45,033 --> 00:06:46,334
his driving test
with me tomorrow.
140
00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:49,367
Oh, Daddy's growing up
so fast.
141
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,901
Oh, get away from me.
142
00:06:50,901 --> 00:06:52,501
That's just what
I want to do tomorrow,
143
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,834
spend the day at the DMV,
eight hours in line,
144
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:57,767
with a bunch of foreigners
who smell like vegetables.
145
00:06:57,767 --> 00:07:00,801
Naturally, I'll be
in the wrong line.
146
00:07:00,801 --> 00:07:03,567
My line will be the one
147
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:06,067
where they're barbecuing
the chihuahua.
148
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:09,334
Mom, Kelly parked
on my skateboard.
149
00:07:09,334 --> 00:07:11,067
Oh, did I?
150
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:13,567
Good thing
you weren't on it, huh?
151
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,767
I'm going to go study.
152
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,901
Can I quiz you, Kel?
153
00:07:17,901 --> 00:07:18,934
Sure.
154
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:20,901
Where were you
last night?
155
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:24,734
Ha ha ha! Car meat.
156
00:07:24,734 --> 00:07:26,300
What a day off, huh?
157
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,300
Next, Steve and Marcie
will come over.
158
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
159
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:36,100
Guess who!
160
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,567
I give up.
161
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,567
Al, did you know
your car has a busted taillight?
162
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:44,000
And this is my family.
It's a great life, huh?
163
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,501
They could pull you over
164
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:47,000
and give you
a ticket for that.
165
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,501
I think they just
give you a warning...
166
00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,868
unless they really
hate you.
167
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,634
Get rid of them.
168
00:07:53,634 --> 00:07:55,133
Would you like
some coffee?
169
00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:57,133
Well, actually,
we can't stay long.
170
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,868
Steve and I are going
to the nursery
171
00:07:58,868 --> 00:08:00,133
to pick up some petunia flats.
172
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:01,634
Real cool, Steve.
173
00:08:01,634 --> 00:08:03,567
Well, it's not
the John Wayne movie
174
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,167
your life is,
175
00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:06,667
but then again,
what is?
176
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:09,667
Anyhow, your car
is blocking our driveway.
177
00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:11,501
I could probably
get around it,
178
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:12,901
but I figure, why should I?
179
00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:14,300
Good parking makes
good neighbors, right, Al?
180
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:16,868
You're not really
going to make me move my car
181
00:08:16,868 --> 00:08:18,767
for five feet, are you?
182
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:23,067
Two feet, three inches, Al.
183
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,901
Gee, Al, that's about
how far your underwear lands
184
00:08:25,901 --> 00:08:27,934
from the hamper.
185
00:08:27,934 --> 00:08:29,400
Well, you say "I do,"
186
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,200
but you don't really
know what it means.
187
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,200
What are you guys doing?
188
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,200
Studying for
my driving test.
189
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,234
Okay, Kel,
here's another one.
190
00:08:38,234 --> 00:08:40,234
You're walking
down the street,
191
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:42,734
an old man
with a dollar
192
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:44,734
pulls up beside you.
193
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:47,734
You A) ignore him
and keep walking,
194
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:50,133
B) call the police,
195
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:54,834
or C) do what
you usually do?
196
00:08:58,234 --> 00:09:00,234
Mom, can we get Bud
197
00:09:00,234 --> 00:09:02,234
one of those
reflective collars?
198
00:09:02,234 --> 00:09:05,734
Like tiny little
bull's eyes in the night.
199
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:11,534
So, you're finally getting
your license, huh?
200
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:13,467
You're going
to love it, Kelly.
201
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,434
Driving gives you
real independence.
202
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,801
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
203
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:20,434
You know, I was really
getting sick of
204
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,067
that put-out- or-get-out stuff
you know?
205
00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:26,267
Yes, that too.
206
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:28,267
But you know,
207
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:30,767
a woman doesn't know
true equality
208
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:32,300
till she has the freedom
209
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:34,267
to come and go
as she pleases.
210
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:35,501
And don't forget
211
00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:37,267
to flirt with
your driving instructor.
212
00:09:37,267 --> 00:09:39,267
Then if he makes
any advances,
213
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:42,267
you can sue him
for sex discrimination.
214
00:09:42,267 --> 00:09:44,133
How I envy you!
215
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,801
Hey, Steve?
216
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:48,801
You know that
two feet, three inches?
217
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:52,300
Well, it was just big enough
that a cop spotted me
218
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,801
and gave me another ticket
for a broken tail-light.
219
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:57,801
Well, I warned you, Al.
220
00:09:57,801 --> 00:09:59,167
You know, me and you
221
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,734
just have to
go hunting one day.
222
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:05,467
Yeah. I'll get you
a pair of antlers to wear.
223
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:07,968
I thought we were going, Al.
224
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:11,367
We'll make a day of it.
225
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:14,601
Dad, are you sure you don't want
to study for your driving test?
226
00:10:14,601 --> 00:10:16,100
Driving test?
227
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,501
Al got stopped earlier.
228
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:19,133
He'd let
his license expire,
229
00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:22,067
so now he has to take
the test over again.
230
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:25,634
And we know
how well Al did in school.
231
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:28,367
He's a shoe salesman, you know?
232
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,701
I know what you're
thinking, Steve,
233
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,868
but you can't have her,
she's mine.
234
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,634
Till deer season.
235
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:39,133
Ooh.
236
00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:41,067
These tests are brutal.
237
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,133
Ohh, here's one they'll never
get me on again.
238
00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:46,133
How many feet in advance
do you have to signal
239
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:48,067
before making a turn
240
00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:49,267
in a business
or residential area?
241
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:50,434
Who cares?
242
00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:52,367
A cop in a business
or residential area.
243
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:53,667
Come on, Al,
take a guess.
244
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,167
Two feet, three inches.
245
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,067
BOTH: At least 100 feet.
246
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:58,300
Very good.
247
00:10:58,300 --> 00:10:59,934
Maybe you'd
better study, Al.
248
00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:01,934
I've been driving
for 20 years.
249
00:11:01,934 --> 00:11:04,734
I don't have to study.
250
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:06,000
I passed.
251
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,868
I failed.
252
00:11:12,868 --> 00:11:15,667
Congratulations, Kelly.
I'm so proud of you.
253
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:18,167
Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.
254
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:21,167
I said, I failed
my written test.
255
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:24,667
Well, I didn't say
I was proud of you.
256
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:26,467
And, Mom, Dad got
another ticket
257
00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:27,701
for a broken tail-light
258
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:30,701
and one for driving
without a license.
259
00:11:30,701 --> 00:11:34,734
Oh, I'm sorry, Al.
Now I'm proud of you.
260
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:37,167
Yeah. This is
a great little town.
261
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:39,067
Neighborhood's
burning down, no cops.
262
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:40,901
Robberies every minute,
no cops.
263
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:45,534
I start my car,
here comes the Bundy Squad.
264
00:11:45,534 --> 00:11:47,734
Daddy, this is so like you.
265
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:49,767
I mean, here I've got
this great news,
266
00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:51,367
and you have to
rain on my parade.
267
00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:53,367
I mean, this is
the happiest day of my life.
268
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:57,234
Well, I'm just glad I could be
a small part of it, pumpkin.
269
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,334
What are you
so upset about, Al?
270
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:03,934
Well, let's see,
I don't have a license.
271
00:12:03,934 --> 00:12:05,334
What does that mean?
272
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:09,167
A) better Christmas
presents for everyone,
273
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:11,767
B) the car will be
much roomier with me not in it,
274
00:12:11,767 --> 00:12:13,667
or C) the breadwinner
can't drive to work,
275
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,000
so we'll all starve.
276
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,934
So there's no problem
277
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:19,100
with me using the car
during the week?
278
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,868
No, no.
Go ahead. Take it.
279
00:12:20,868 --> 00:12:22,801
Just don't
get it dirty,
280
00:12:22,801 --> 00:12:24,334
because we'll be
living in it soon.
281
00:12:24,334 --> 00:12:25,567
Thanks, Dad.
282
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:28,200
Al, you can always take
the test again Monday.
283
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,734
You can make it
one weekend
284
00:12:29,734 --> 00:12:32,234
without a car.
285
00:12:32,234 --> 00:12:34,000
Well, I've got to get
to work tomorrow?
286
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,534
How am I going to get there?
287
00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:38,934
Between Kelly and me,
there will be no problem.
288
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,567
Well...
289
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,567
a special thanks to everyone
290
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:48,434
who didn't get up this morning
to drive me to work.
291
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,801
That's my bike.
I reported it stolen.
292
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:57,567
Well, I'll get arrested
for that tomorrow.
293
00:12:57,567 --> 00:13:01,634
Today, I just get a ticket
for a broken tail-light.
294
00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:03,133
Peg, I can't believe this.
295
00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:04,634
I got so many tickets,
296
00:13:04,634 --> 00:13:08,133
I don't have any money left
to bet on that horse.
297
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:09,667
Well, there's
no rush, honey.
298
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,501
I'm sure
he'll still be running
299
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,167
by the time
you get your license.
300
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,534
Yuck it up, Peg.
301
00:13:14,534 --> 00:13:16,267
Will you get me
some juice, honey?
302
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:18,267
I'm sorry, Al.
We're all out,
303
00:13:18,267 --> 00:13:21,767
and I was just too bored
to go to the store.
304
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:24,767
Now I'm too tired.
I'm going out.
305
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:26,968
Will you get me some juice?
306
00:13:26,968 --> 00:13:28,934
No, I'm too busy.
307
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:30,434
Kelly...
308
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:31,934
Oh, get real, Dad.
309
00:13:31,934 --> 00:13:33,868
Nobody drinks juice but you.
310
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:41,868
Dad, being
without a license,
311
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:45,200
does it make you feel
like less than a man?
312
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:50,067
No, son, that's
your mother's job.
313
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:57,033
Bud, there's this horse
that I want to bet on.
314
00:13:57,033 --> 00:14:00,567
How about lending me
a couple of bucks, pal?
315
00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:09,267
No juice, no license,
no horse...
316
00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:13,634
And thou.
317
00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,133
Hi, Al.
318
00:14:15,133 --> 00:14:17,634
Saw you peddling in
from work.
319
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,901
You didn't study,
did you, Al?
320
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:22,634
By the way, you know your bike's
got a broken tail-light?
321
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:24,067
Get lost, Steve.
322
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,601
Right back at you.
323
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:29,100
Steve, wait a second!
I didn't recognize you.
324
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,667
Come on in.
325
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,601
What do you want?
326
00:14:33,601 --> 00:14:35,601
Well, we're neighbors.
327
00:14:35,601 --> 00:14:38,601
Can't two neighbors
just sit and talk?
328
00:14:38,601 --> 00:14:41,534
What do you want
to talk about?
329
00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:45,067
How would you like to increase
your money 20-fold?
330
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:49,033
Already did. I bet you wouldn't
pass your driving test.
331
00:14:49,033 --> 00:14:51,534
That's a good one.
332
00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:53,033
No.
333
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:56,033
I am the proud possessor
of some information
334
00:14:56,033 --> 00:15:00,033
that I could be persuaded
to sell to you for...
335
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,334
twe... 50 bucks.
336
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:03,467
Just what does
337
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,334
the twe... 50 bucks
buy me, Al?
338
00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:06,968
It's the biggest
insider tip of all time.
339
00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:09,467
It's on the stock market.
340
00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:14,033
Well... I'll give you 25.
341
00:15:14,033 --> 00:15:17,033
Deal. I was only kidding.
It's really a horse.
342
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,400
Give me my money back, Al.
343
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,367
He's coming in
at 20 to 1.
344
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,901
See, that's better
than a stock tip.
345
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:25,834
Stock price doubles,
you just make 2 to 1.
346
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:28,501
This is 20 to 1, Steve.
It's 20 to 1.
347
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:30,200
His name is "Dr. Footwear."
348
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,834
Get it?
"Dr. Footwear," see?
349
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:37,067
I sell shoes.
350
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:39,000
Anyway,
he's guaranteed to win.
351
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,567
Nothing is guaranteed.
352
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:43,000
Wrong. As long
as I live in this world,
353
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,501
I'm guaranteed
to wallow in misery,
354
00:15:45,501 --> 00:15:47,367
but this horse
is going to win.
355
00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:49,467
All you have to do
is take me down there,
356
00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:50,667
and we'll both
take limos home.
357
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:52,701
Well, what time
is the race?
358
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:54,534
2:00.
Pick me up at noon?
359
00:15:54,534 --> 00:15:57,067
No can do. Marcie and I
are going to a baby shower.
360
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,634
What?
361
00:15:58,634 --> 00:16:00,801
It's the boss'
daughter's baby.
362
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:03,634
So you can't take me
to the track?
363
00:16:03,634 --> 00:16:05,133
Get lost.
364
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:07,133
Well, enough
male bonding.
365
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,133
I guess I'll...
366
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:11,634
drive over
to the gas station.
367
00:16:11,634 --> 00:16:13,634
I don't really need gas.
368
00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:16,133
I just like to drive around.
369
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:19,133
So, what are you
going to do, Al?
370
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:22,901
Pop a few wheelies
in the living room?
371
00:16:22,901 --> 00:16:24,934
20 to 1, Steve!
372
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:28,167
Who needs you?
I'll get there myself.
373
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:30,167
20 to 1, that's $500.
374
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:34,667
The family can buy a lot
of nice stuff for $500...
375
00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:38,167
Then again, so can I.
376
00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,167
All right, everybody!
377
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:43,667
Announcement, announcement.
378
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:45,167
Today at 2:00,
379
00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:48,167
I have a horse running
at Arlington.
380
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,167
I will be there.
381
00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:50,501
The only question before us is
382
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:53,067
which one of you dependents
is going to take me?
383
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:55,667
Well, Al, all I have to do
is go for a manicure.
384
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:58,701
They're having a special,
11 for the price of 10,
385
00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:00,868
but I should be back
in an hour.
386
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:01,901
Kelly?
387
00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:04,868
Well, two guys
are fighting over me
388
00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:07,367
down by the train
tracks today.
389
00:17:07,367 --> 00:17:09,000
You know, it really
wouldn't look right
390
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,367
if I wasn't there,
391
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:13,200
but I'll be back
in plenty of time.
392
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,634
Good.
393
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,434
Now I'm going to say this slowly
so that you'll both understand.
394
00:17:17,434 --> 00:17:21,434
It is very important
that we get to the track.
395
00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:23,434
Promise me, promise me
396
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:26,434
that you will be
back in time.
397
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:28,133
Al, if it's
important to you,
398
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:30,200
we will both be here.
399
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,067
The horses are approaching
the starting gate.
400
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:37,067
Hi, Al. I knew you were home.
I saw your bike out front.
401
00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:39,501
How come
you're not at the track?
402
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:43,501
For the same reason I'm not out
with sleazy blondes.
403
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:46,467
I'm married...
with children.
404
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,334
Gee, I wish I knew
you were stuck here.
405
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,133
We got out of
the baby shower early.
406
00:17:51,133 --> 00:17:53,067
Her water broke
and we headed for the hills.
407
00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:54,968
We were by the track,
408
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:57,868
so I figured, what the hell,
I put down $100 on that horse.
409
00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,167
That's the biggest bet
I ever made in my life.
410
00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:03,000
At least we can listen
to it together.
411
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,834
Steve, I got to tell you,
I got warned off that bet.
412
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:08,834
Horse is going through
some tough personal problems,
413
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:10,767
getting married
or something like that,
414
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:13,767
so I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling guilty.
415
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:16,067
I'll buy $25 of your bet
out of friendship.
416
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:18,567
Lick my shoe...
out of friendship.
417
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,667
And they're off!
418
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,667
Is that a "no," Steve?
419
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:25,667
It'sBailey Boy in the lead,
with Darling Kim second,
420
00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:27,667
Mama's Problem third,
then Satin Lover,
421
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:30,167
B-Movie, Floridora,
and Prince Harris.
422
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,667
Bringing up the rear,
it's Dr. Footwear.
423
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,167
I'm last?
424
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:35,534
He's going to win.
425
00:18:35,534 --> 00:18:37,167
He's last, Al.
I didn't bet on him.
426
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:39,133
Heading
into the first turn,
427
00:18:39,133 --> 00:18:42,133
it's Darling Kim,
Bailey Boy, and Satin Lover.
428
00:18:42,133 --> 00:18:44,133
Dr. Footwear is way behind.
429
00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:45,634
He's way behind.
430
00:18:45,634 --> 00:18:47,100
He's going to win.
No, he's not!
431
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,968
Steve, give me $25
of your bet right now,
432
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,133
what do you say?
433
00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:51,434
O--
434
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,133
And here comes Dr. Footwear
on the outside!
435
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,133
Lick my shoe, Al.
436
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:57,100
He's making a tremendous move!
437
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,534
Coming into
the clubhouse turn,
438
00:18:58,534 --> 00:19:00,133
it's Darling Kim,
Satin Lover, and Dr. Footwear!
439
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,133
Come on,
Dr. Footwear!
440
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:04,133
Trip and die,
Dr. Footwear!
441
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:06,634
Now they're in
the home stretch!
442
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:08,634
Neck and neck,
443
00:19:08,634 --> 00:19:11,133
it's Darling Kim
and Dr. Footwear!
444
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:13,167
At the finish line, it's...
445
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:15,167
Darling Kim by a nose!
446
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:18,167
Ah! Ha ha!
He did it! He did it!
447
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:20,667
You lost, and I didn't!
Ha ha ha!
448
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:22,167
Wait!
449
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:24,667
The steward's
inquiry light is on.
450
00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:26,133
He won.
451
00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:27,133
Forget it, Al.
452
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:28,234
They never
disqualify a horse.
453
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:30,300
No, they don't.
Give me 25 bucks of the bet.
454
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,300
And they're taking down
number eight.
455
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:33,667
Darling Kim is disqualified!
456
00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:36,167
And the winner,
paying 2290, is...
457
00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:38,167
Dr. Footwear!
458
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,100
$2,290!
459
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,100
I just won
over two grand.
460
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,133
Al, I love you.
461
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,133
And you owe me $25.
462
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:49,634
I can't wait to tell Marcie.
463
00:19:49,634 --> 00:19:52,133
We can invest
in mutual bonds.
464
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,701
Peg, you've got the greatest
husband in the world.
465
00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:59,667
Why? What happened to Al?
466
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:03,567
Oh, hi, honey. I'm here.
Let's go to the track.
467
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,634
Peg, what time is it?
468
00:20:05,634 --> 00:20:06,968
5 after 2:00.
469
00:20:06,968 --> 00:20:09,968
You know what time
the race was?
470
00:20:09,968 --> 00:20:13,133
2:00, but nothing
ever starts on time.
471
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:15,234
Dad, you ready to go?
472
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:16,667
Family, sit down.
473
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:22,501
What I have to say
will be short and sweet.
474
00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:26,167
You stink.
475
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:29,934
I left a knife fight
just to hear that?
476
00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:32,167
No, this too.
477
00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:36,167
Right now your daddy's
a little irritated
478
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:40,534
because you cost your daddy
500 frigging dollars,
479
00:20:40,534 --> 00:20:42,601
but more important
than that--
480
00:20:42,601 --> 00:20:45,100
not more important than that,
but as important--
481
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,767
you've shown me
how little you care.
482
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:51,434
So tomorrow, when I go
to get my license--
483
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:52,701
Who's taking you, Dad?
484
00:20:52,701 --> 00:20:57,133
I'll crawl on my face.
485
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:59,133
And when I come home,
486
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:02,133
your daddy is not
going to give you anything.
487
00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:05,133
Not a smile,
no money, no food.
488
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:09,467
I'm not going to lift a finger
to help any of you,
489
00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:13,834
and I don't expect any of you
to lift a finger to help me.
490
00:21:13,834 --> 00:21:15,334
From now on,
491
00:21:15,334 --> 00:21:17,834
we have a new Bundy rule--
492
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:20,434
every man for himself.
493
00:21:23,133 --> 00:21:26,100
Yeah, Mom, Al passed
his driving test.
494
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:30,534
And then the instructor
drove over his foot.
495
00:21:30,534 --> 00:21:34,334
Yeah. Al's going to be stuck
around the house for a while.
496
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:38,634
Drive? With that foot?
497
00:21:38,634 --> 00:21:40,033
Oh, you're so right, Mom.
498
00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:42,167
This is not going
to be easy for me.
499
00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:45,501
What's that ringing?
500
00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,234
That's just Al
with his bell.
501
00:21:47,234 --> 00:21:50,000
Daddy, you don't need
the car, do you?
502
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:55,234
What, Al?
503
00:21:55,234 --> 00:21:57,734
Can you get me a beer?
504
00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:58,868
Hold on, Mom.
505
00:21:58,868 --> 00:22:02,100
I've got to get
something for Al.
506
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:04,067
What? The garden is blooming?
507
00:22:04,067 --> 00:22:06,033
Tell me all about it.
508
00:22:08,334 --> 00:22:11,067
Don't you know
I'm sitting here in pain?
509
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:13,067
Aaah! Geez!
510
00:22:13,067 --> 00:22:15,067
Hold on a second, Mom.
511
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:16,634
I've got to
take this upstairs.
512
00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:17,834
I can't hear a thing.
513
00:22:17,834 --> 00:22:21,934
Al, hang this up
when I get upstairs.
514
00:22:42,868 --> 00:22:45,534
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:03,701 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:17,334 --> 00:01:18,934
Hi.
21
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:20,400
Hi, hi, hi.
How are you?
22
00:01:23,534 --> 00:01:26,434
Gee, I just
love bowling.
23
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,133
The sound
of the pins,
24
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:30,033
the feel
of the ball,
25
00:01:30,033 --> 00:01:31,534
the smell of...
26
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:33,834
dead farm animals.
27
00:01:35,334 --> 00:01:37,000
Oh.
28
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,400
Ugh!
29
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,267
Peg, I'm going
for a beer.
30
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,300
You want something?
31
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,734
Yeah.
32
00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:45,567
Yeah, well, I'm sure a waitress
will be along in a minute.
33
00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,133
Oh, Peggy!
34
00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:02,133
Oh, hi.
35
00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:03,601
I didn't
see you there.
36
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:08,734
Oh, Mimi... That is you
under that bad dye job.
37
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:13,701
Oh, kids, kids,
38
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,100
come meet
an old woman.
39
00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:18,033
Peg, I'd like you
to meet the twins,
40
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:20,033
Roscoe and Frank.
41
00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:22,067
Gee, they don't look alike.
42
00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:25,234
Same father?
Or should I say, donor?
43
00:02:27,434 --> 00:02:31,400
Peg, so life hasn't been
too good to you, huh?
44
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,834
I don't work.
45
00:02:32,834 --> 00:02:34,334
Well, I don't
work, either.
46
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:36,133
I don't do anything.
47
00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:38,434
Neither do I. I have a maid.
48
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:39,701
Not me.
49
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:43,434
My house is a sty,
and I don't care.
50
00:02:43,434 --> 00:02:46,200
Hiya, babe.
51
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,701
That's my
husband, Chuck.
52
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,200
You poor thing.
53
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,033
Oh yeah?
But he has a...
54
00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:53,767
[WHISPERS]
55
00:02:57,467 --> 00:03:00,467
It was so nice
seeing you again, Peg.
56
00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:03,200
Yes, and nice
to see you too.
57
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,868
God, I hate her!
58
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:12,501
What an idiot.
59
00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:13,901
Look at that stupid little hop.
60
00:03:13,901 --> 00:03:15,701
Does she really think
that she's going to get--
61
00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:17,868
Strike!
62
00:03:17,868 --> 00:03:18,868
Your turn, Peg.
63
00:03:18,868 --> 00:03:21,000
Oh, no, Al. I can't.
She's watching me.
64
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,667
The minute I get up there,
65
00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:25,267
she's going to bet
that I can't strike
66
00:03:25,267 --> 00:03:26,968
like she did,
and she'll be right.
67
00:03:26,968 --> 00:03:30,501
It'll be just like high school
all over again.
68
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:33,367
Peg, I'm looking at both of you.
69
00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:36,534
Believe me, it won't be
like high school.
70
00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:38,467
I don't know.
71
00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:42,334
I kiss you and I kiss you
and you're still a frog.
72
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:45,667
Anyway, when we were in school,
we would bet on everything.
73
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:47,267
We didn't have
a lot of money then,
74
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,434
so we'd bet pride.
75
00:03:48,434 --> 00:03:50,200
You know, we'd pick
something humiliating,
76
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:54,100
and then the loser, me,
would have to do it in public.
77
00:03:57,834 --> 00:04:00,601
Ooh! Nice spare, honey!
78
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,400
Watch me and want me.
79
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,934
Stee-rike!
80
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:18,934
Yay!
81
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,000
Al got a strike.
82
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,467
My husband is better
than your husband
83
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:23,868
more than you're
better than me.
84
00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:25,934
Oh yeah? Well, my kids
are better than your kids
85
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:27,133
better than I'm better than you.
86
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:29,767
Yeah, well, you're aging badly.
87
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:33,467
Oh yeah? Well how about
a little family bowl-off?
88
00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:35,934
No.
89
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:39,367
What do you mean, no?
90
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:42,767
I can bowl that doofus
off the face of the earth.
91
00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:43,767
We can beat them.
92
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,734
Yeah, but Mimi's better than me.
93
00:04:45,734 --> 00:04:47,534
Not since
Bud's taking bowling lessons.
94
00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:49,300
He says he's bowling 130.
95
00:04:52,634 --> 00:04:56,067
Look at "eight eyes"
over there.
96
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:57,667
They're pathetic.
97
00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:59,300
Even though Kelly stinks
like you,
98
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,167
what with me and Bud
taking up the slack,
99
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,868
we can't lose.
100
00:05:02,868 --> 00:05:04,501
Go ahead, bet.
101
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:05,501
Mimi!
102
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:06,901
Yes, Peggy?
103
00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:11,934
Okay, it's a bet.
104
00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:13,868
Saturday night,
family bowl-off,
105
00:05:13,868 --> 00:05:15,133
8:00 sharp.
106
00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,868
Fine.
107
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:20,000
Okay, now for the bet.
108
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,267
Let's see...
109
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:23,601
Loser sniffs
every bowling shoe
110
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:26,267
in the alley.
111
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:27,868
N-no.
112
00:05:27,868 --> 00:05:29,367
Okay, all right.
Okay...
113
00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:33,033
Um, winner walks the loser
through the mall on a leash?
114
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:35,834
No.
115
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:37,234
All right,
okay, okay.
116
00:05:37,234 --> 00:05:40,734
Uh, loser runs through
the bowling alley naked.
117
00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:42,701
No!
No!
No!
No!
118
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:47,601
I know.
119
00:05:47,601 --> 00:05:49,334
The loser, you,
120
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:51,367
will have to dress
like a human trophy
121
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:54,634
and pose for pictures
with everybody in the alley.
122
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,834
Okay, it's a bet.
123
00:05:58,834 --> 00:05:59,734
Good.
124
00:06:01,701 --> 00:06:05,334
Oh, Peggy, I'd like you
to meet my daughter, Didi.
125
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:08,834
That's two I's,
not four E's.
126
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:12,567
Gee, you have
beautiful children.
127
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:14,200
Yeah, right.
128
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,033
But Didi can break 200.
129
00:06:18,267 --> 00:06:20,701
Hey, now, wait a second.
That's five.
130
00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:22,067
We don't have five.
131
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:23,400
Oh, gee, Peggy...
132
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,634
Surely you must have
some relatives somewhere
133
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:27,834
you can de-louse
and trot out?
134
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:32,534
No bet!
135
00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:34,968
Oh, fine, Peggy. I understand.
136
00:06:34,968 --> 00:06:38,968
Kids, take a look
at a born loser.
137
00:06:38,968 --> 00:06:41,634
Kids, take a look
at a bald woman.
138
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:45,567
Ooh! Ooh!
Why, I ought to--
139
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:47,067
I never liked you!
140
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:50,067
Let go of my hair!
I hate you!
141
00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:52,067
Ugh! Do I hate her!
142
00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:55,567
Well, at least you got
that souvenir.
143
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:57,300
It's just not enough.
144
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,601
I really wanted that bowl-off.
145
00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:02,534
I just know we could have won
if we'd had five.
146
00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:04,000
Why didn't we have
another child?
147
00:07:06,734 --> 00:07:09,067
Sorry.
148
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,000
[DOORBELL RINGS]
149
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:18,033
Well, there goes
my day.
150
00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:19,534
What do you want?
151
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:20,534
Hey, we're friends.
152
00:07:20,534 --> 00:07:23,367
Can't we drop over
for no reason?
153
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:25,634
No.
154
00:07:25,634 --> 00:07:27,167
Why are you here?
155
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:29,200
We set off a bug bomb.
156
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,901
We can't go back
for another 10 minutes.
157
00:07:31,901 --> 00:07:35,167
So, what's going on?
158
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:36,968
I'm a little down tonight.
159
00:07:36,968 --> 00:07:40,334
I ran into an old friend
that I hate more than life.
160
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:42,734
Did you ever go to school
with someone
161
00:07:42,734 --> 00:07:44,334
who does everything
just a little bit better
162
00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:45,534
than you do?
163
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:46,868
Barb Lehnhardt.
164
00:07:46,868 --> 00:07:48,868
What?
165
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:51,167
My rival was
Barb Lehnhardt.
166
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:52,601
It started in kindergarten.
167
00:07:52,601 --> 00:07:55,667
I let Don Thudey
kiss me on the cheek.
168
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,000
She showed him her underpants.
169
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,734
First day of gym,
I was wearing a t-shirt.
170
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,701
She was wearing a bra.
171
00:08:03,701 --> 00:08:06,267
I finally had a chance
to beat her
172
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:07,467
at our high-school reunion.
173
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:08,934
I couldn't wait.
174
00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:11,267
I had a great job,
a terrific husband,
175
00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,767
and I'd lost 10 pounds.
176
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:15,267
Then she went
and died a tragic death,
177
00:08:15,267 --> 00:08:18,300
and that's all anyone
could talk about.
178
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:21,300
"Poor Barb."
179
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,400
"Poor Barb."
180
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,067
They could care less
that I was a success.
181
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:28,834
Her decapitation
got all of the attention.
182
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,133
It was so Barb.
God, I hate her.
183
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:35,667
Well, my Barb is Mimi Stoatz,
184
00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:38,701
and I have finally got a shot
at beating her at bowling,
185
00:08:38,701 --> 00:08:41,868
and I'm not going
to get the chance.
186
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:44,834
I'm one bowler short,
and I needed a good one.
187
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:47,434
Done.
188
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:49,334
You know somebody?
189
00:08:49,334 --> 00:08:50,367
I sleep with him.
190
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:53,501
Shh! Who?
191
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,601
Steve.
192
00:08:57,601 --> 00:08:59,601
Oh. Steve?
193
00:08:59,601 --> 00:09:01,100
Look at him.
194
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:04,868
His lithe, wiry body
was made for bowling,
195
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:08,367
and he does a heck
of a little mambo too.
196
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:11,167
Al, Steve can bowl!
197
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,033
You bowl?
198
00:09:13,033 --> 00:09:16,033
Well, I don't like to brag.
Marcy?
199
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:18,400
He's a wonderful bowler, Al.
200
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:19,901
What do you bowl?
201
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:21,634
Uh... Marcy?
202
00:09:21,634 --> 00:09:23,501
About 165.
203
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:26,234
Uh, 170.
204
00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:27,734
Steve,
you're a godsend.
205
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,234
I need you
to be my ringer.
206
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:32,234
Will you bowl for me
Saturday night?
207
00:09:32,234 --> 00:09:34,734
If I still can
after you let go of me.
208
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:36,234
Thank you,
thank you, thank you!
209
00:09:36,234 --> 00:09:38,234
It's Saturday night
at 8:00.
210
00:09:38,234 --> 00:09:40,634
All you have to do
is bowl great
211
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:41,834
and be a Bundy.
212
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:43,367
Yeah, right.
213
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:46,033
When I grow fur
and marry Cheetah.
214
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:48,968
Not a chance!
215
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:51,300
Besides, no one would
believe I'm a Bundy.
216
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,734
We'll Bundy you up.
217
00:09:53,734 --> 00:09:56,200
I don't want to be Bundied up.
218
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,434
What if you do it
and I can't come back?
219
00:09:58,434 --> 00:10:00,834
Steve, please.
220
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,133
Do it for me...
221
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:04,834
And I'll do it for you.
222
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,234
Let's bowl!
223
00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:13,868
We're going to do it, Peg!
224
00:10:13,868 --> 00:10:15,501
We're going to beat
the Stoatz family!
225
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:22,067
Hey, kids,
come on over here!
226
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:23,534
It's time for the Bundy cheer!
227
00:10:23,534 --> 00:10:24,567
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
228
00:10:24,567 --> 00:10:26,868
Come on
over here.
229
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,434
Whoa, Bundy!
230
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:34,267
Great news, kids.
231
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,467
We are going
to bowl against
232
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:38,033
the hated Stoatz family
Saturday night.
233
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:39,167
Bowl?
234
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:40,834
Yes, and we're really
looking forward
235
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,467
to your 130.
236
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:45,601
I love you, Bud.
237
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,634
Hey, I'm giving up
a Saturday night here.
238
00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,167
Doesn't anyone
love me?
239
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:52,501
Kelly, you bowl a 60.
What do you want?
240
00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:56,000
Peg, let's go upstairs
and call Mimi
241
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,200
and tell her the bet's on.
242
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,701
Oh... You better dial,
243
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,701
because I'm saving
my hand for bowling.
244
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,367
You make me sick.
245
00:11:05,367 --> 00:11:06,868
Bud's the smart one,
246
00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:08,367
Bud's the good one,
247
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:09,868
Bud's the hero.
248
00:11:09,868 --> 00:11:11,868
Yeah, yeah, I'm giving up
a great date,
249
00:11:11,868 --> 00:11:14,300
but who cares, because I stink.
250
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,267
So go ahead and gloat.
251
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:19,367
[SIGHS]
252
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:20,634
Well?
253
00:11:20,634 --> 00:11:23,200
Kelly, the only reason
I'm telling you this
254
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,701
is because you're so used
to failure.
255
00:11:25,701 --> 00:11:26,901
So maybe
you can tell me
256
00:11:26,901 --> 00:11:28,434
how to break this
to Mom and Dad.
257
00:11:28,434 --> 00:11:31,467
That money I took
for bowling lessons...
258
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:36,701
I now have a lifetime pass
to the Pussycat Theater.
259
00:11:36,701 --> 00:11:39,000
And I can't bowl worth a damn.
260
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,667
Wait, you're not kidding me,
are you?
261
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,734
No, Kel.
262
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:45,734
Oh, God! I love you!
263
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:48,634
You're not going
to tell, are you?
264
00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:50,601
Tell, and give up
counting the beads of sweat
265
00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:51,834
forming on your forehead
266
00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:55,734
because you've ruined
your mother's life?
267
00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:57,234
Oh, no, Budrick.
268
00:11:57,234 --> 00:12:01,501
I plan to be just as stunned
as the rest of the family.
269
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:04,501
Bud, a liar?
270
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:05,834
[GASPS]
271
00:12:07,033 --> 00:12:09,267
Okay, the bet's made.
272
00:12:09,267 --> 00:12:10,834
Oh, and did I tell you?
273
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:14,334
The loser has to dress up
as a human trophy.
274
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,834
Oh, the humiliation!
275
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,901
I'm finally going to beat her.
276
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:20,300
Thank you, Bud.
277
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:24,400
Yes! Thank you, Bud!
278
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,868
I'm the good one now.
279
00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:27,567
[LAUGHING]
280
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:35,267
Bud, where's Mom and Dad?
281
00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:38,434
They went to Bowl Town.
Dad needed some stuff.
282
00:12:38,434 --> 00:12:40,200
What am I going to do, Kel?
283
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,367
Stink and be punished.
284
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,367
Oh, God, this is great,
285
00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:47,000
and it's only
the first day.
286
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,167
Gee, the pressure
must be terrible.
287
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:53,167
Oh, oh, could you do me a favor?
288
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:54,734
Right after
your first gutter ball,
289
00:12:54,734 --> 00:12:56,534
and I get that picture
of Mom and Dad
290
00:12:56,534 --> 00:12:58,033
and their looks
of disappointment and horror,
291
00:12:58,033 --> 00:13:00,167
could you
kind of tilt your chin up
292
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:02,167
so that the light catches
that tear
293
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:05,267
streaming down your face?
294
00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:07,667
You're dirt, Kel.
295
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:10,634
Yes, but everybody knows it.
296
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,701
Howdy, teammate.
297
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:18,334
Bud's a 130 bowler,
you know.
298
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,667
Uh, listen, Bud,
are your folks in?
299
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:28,100
I want to ask them
if I could be an adopted Bundy.
300
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,601
That would help explain
301
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:32,868
my hygiene, grammar,
and full set of teeth.
302
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,567
Mr. Rhoades,
could you do me a favor
303
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:36,901
and run over my hand
with your car?
304
00:13:36,901 --> 00:13:40,300
When will
this punk stuff end?
305
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,000
A mangled hand
306
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,267
is not what you're going to want
when you're 40, young man.
307
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:48,567
Mr. Rhoades, sit down.
308
00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:54,133
Have you ever lied
to your mother?
309
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,868
Of course not.
310
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:59,634
Well, I did tell her
I was the bank president,
311
00:13:59,634 --> 00:14:02,968
but I will be some day,
so that's not really a lie,
312
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,367
is it?
313
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:07,501
What did you do?
I told her I could bowl.
314
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:10,000
Well, of course you can bowl.
You're a Bundy.
315
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,167
A failed Bundy.
316
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:14,367
She's counting on me,
and I'm going to let her down.
317
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:16,701
Well, how about this?
318
00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:18,300
I have to believe
319
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,000
that somewhere
in your chromosomes,
320
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,400
there lies a bowler.
321
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,901
We got six days.
322
00:14:22,901 --> 00:14:25,400
Let's you and I go to the lanes
and practice. You pay.
323
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,701
You've got a deal.
324
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,968
And buy me an ice cream.
325
00:14:29,968 --> 00:14:32,968
Don't push it,
Mr. Rhoades.
326
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:34,467
All right.
327
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:36,334
A lot can be accomplished
in a week.
328
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,300
Now, let's see
your form.
329
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:06,000
Good, good.
330
00:15:09,434 --> 00:15:11,934
Al, it's 7:15!
331
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:14,200
If we don't get there
by 8:00, we forfeit!
332
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,367
Come on, honey!
333
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:17,767
AL: I'm ready!
334
00:15:30,634 --> 00:15:32,133
What is that?
335
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:35,133
It's my pro-bowler
automatic thumb warmer,
336
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:36,968
limited edition.
337
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:42,000
Let's get us
some Stoatz meat.
338
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,467
Whoa, Bundy!
339
00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:50,334
Okay, okay, so
you've touched paws.
340
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:52,200
Can we bowl now?
341
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,801
My daughter's on her way.
We'll wait for her.
342
00:15:54,801 --> 00:15:56,033
Uh-uh. Not a chance.
343
00:15:56,033 --> 00:15:58,100
She gets a zero
for every frame she misses.
344
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:01,667
Wait a second.
Who's this guy?
345
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:04,267
Cousin Steve.
346
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,767
I smell a ringer.
347
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:08,901
This guy's no Bundy.
348
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,701
[BELCHES]
349
00:16:10,701 --> 00:16:14,200
Oops! My mistake.
He's a Bundy.
350
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,734
So, are we ready?
351
00:16:21,934 --> 00:16:23,968
Let's bowl.
352
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,367
[CHEERING]
353
00:16:55,901 --> 00:17:03,200
Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!
Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!
354
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:09,634
That's my boy! Yeah!
355
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,868
Come on,
kill those pins.
356
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,300
Whoo!
Yes!
357
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:35,300
Stee-rike!
358
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,801
Yeah! Hoo-hoo!
359
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,734
Well, it's about time.
360
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,667
I'm sorry I'm late.
361
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:52,167
I really wanted to be here
to see your face
362
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:54,634
when Bud bowled his...
363
00:17:54,634 --> 00:17:56,300
49?
364
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:58,400
By the fourth frame?
365
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,901
Bowling lessons pay off, Kel.
366
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:02,400
Thank God for Bud.
367
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,434
Bud's the good one.
368
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:06,434
I'm cursed.
369
00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:08,100
Where were you,
anyway?
370
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,934
He was the most
gorgeous boy in school,
371
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:12,434
it's Saturday,
I'm young,
372
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:13,868
and this is bowling.
373
00:18:13,868 --> 00:18:15,868
Okay, you show them
what you got, Roscoe.
374
00:18:15,868 --> 00:18:16,901
Yeah, Roscoe.
375
00:18:16,901 --> 00:18:18,267
You know, I can't
believe you.
376
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:20,767
Just once, I would like
to see you do something
377
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,901
to help your family.
378
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,667
That's my girl!
379
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,434
Yay! All right!
380
00:19:19,334 --> 00:19:21,901
Yes!
Yay!
381
00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:54,033
Uhh...
382
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,501
[CHEERING]
383
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:05,467
Al, he got a spare.
384
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,467
We're in
our final frame
385
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:08,968
and we need 23 pins.
386
00:20:08,968 --> 00:20:10,868
Twenty-three?
No problem.
387
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:17,200
Ready.
388
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,934
Stee-rike!
389
00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:31,167
[CHEERING]
390
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:34,667
Oh, Al, Al!
Can you do it again?
391
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:38,334
That's all I ever
hear from you.
392
00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:40,367
For my next ball,
393
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:44,434
I'd like a steak dinner
with all the trimmings.
394
00:20:44,434 --> 00:20:47,067
I'll even
make potatoes.
395
00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:56,300
Stee-rike!
396
00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:58,467
PEGGY: Yeah! Yes!
Yes! You did it!
397
00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:01,000
We need
three pins to win.
398
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,801
Three pins! Oh!
399
00:21:02,801 --> 00:21:06,300
You have the sex drive
of a stone,
400
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:07,868
but I love you.
401
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,000
Three pins!
402
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,767
Let's see, which one
should I get?
403
00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:15,100
The 1-2-3, the 3-4-5,
404
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:18,534
or the ever-tricky
1-7-9?
405
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,534
Just bowl, you moron.
406
00:21:20,534 --> 00:21:22,334
Okay, kids,
get out the cameras.
407
00:21:22,334 --> 00:21:24,467
History
is about to be made.
408
00:21:34,701 --> 00:21:36,501
Stee--
409
00:21:38,501 --> 00:21:41,567
Next.
410
00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:46,567
I don't know
what happened, Peg.
411
00:21:46,567 --> 00:21:47,934
The ball
must have slipped.
412
00:21:47,934 --> 00:21:51,801
Somebody must have tampered
with my thumb warmer.
413
00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:54,434
But I still bowled a 175, Peg.
414
00:21:54,434 --> 00:21:56,868
Good, Al.
415
00:21:56,868 --> 00:21:59,534
No, I mean it, Peg.
I'm upset about this.
416
00:21:59,534 --> 00:22:00,834
You know how much
this thing cost?
417
00:22:00,834 --> 00:22:03,267
Are you going to be
much longer, Peg?
418
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:04,601
The kids
are getting hungry.
419
00:22:04,601 --> 00:22:06,000
Just go home, Al.
420
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,434
You sure
you'll be okay?
421
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:10,067
Get the hell
away from me, okay?
422
00:22:10,067 --> 00:22:12,434
Say good night to your mother,
kids.
423
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:17,567
Goodbye, Mom.
424
00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:20,234
Bye, Mom.
425
00:22:20,234 --> 00:22:21,868
Come on.
426
00:22:23,868 --> 00:22:26,834
I can't walk out on her
like this.
427
00:22:43,767 --> 00:22:47,667
[***]1
00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:07,667
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,868 --> 00:00:18,701
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,701 --> 00:00:21,400
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,300
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
5
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:29,467
* This I tell ya, brother *
6
00:00:29,467 --> 00:00:33,934
* You can't have one
Without the other *
7
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:36,167
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:38,801
* Love and marriage
9
00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:43,067
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:47,000
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:51,434
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,434 --> 00:00:56,300
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:59,934
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:06,801
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
15
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:08,534
* To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,534 --> 00:01:10,667
* Love and marriage-- *
17
00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:12,534
[GUNSHOT]
18
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:19,667
I'm so excited!
19
00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:22,167
Steve's been gone
for five days.
20
00:01:22,167 --> 00:01:23,667
That's the longest
we've been apart
21
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,701
since we were married.
22
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,100
Well, you know how it is, Peg.
23
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:30,267
What would you do
if Al was gone for five days?
24
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,234
Cash in his insurance policy,
25
00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:37,467
give the kids to my mother,
and travel.
26
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:39,167
[CAR APPROACHES]
27
00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:43,234
There's Steve now.
Get ready.
28
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:52,534
Al, did you
have to come home?
29
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,033
Well, the summer place
is all closed up,
30
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,033
the yacht's in dry-dock,
31
00:01:58,033 --> 00:01:59,534
so I thought, "What the hell?
32
00:01:59,534 --> 00:02:03,601
Let's spend the night
at the ghetto home."
33
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,234
What's going on?
34
00:02:05,234 --> 00:02:07,534
We're having a welcome back
party for Steve.
35
00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:12,067
So the bucket of death
wasn't really meant for me.
36
00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:15,367
Why aren't we having
the party at her house?
37
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:17,000
Was it because
all Steve's friends
38
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,000
couldn't fit in there?
39
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,267
No, you see,
40
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:21,868
when Steve comes back
from these trips,
41
00:02:21,868 --> 00:02:23,467
he comes back...ready.
42
00:02:23,467 --> 00:02:25,000
If we have the party
at our house,
43
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,267
there's be such a mess,
44
00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:28,701
and Steve has trouble
getting aroused
45
00:02:28,701 --> 00:02:31,334
if the house isn't clean.
46
00:02:31,334 --> 00:02:33,901
Hmm. Maybe if
I cleaned up,
47
00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:36,901
Al would get aroused.
48
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:40,334
It's not worth
the gamble.
49
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,801
Steve loves
his river-rafting trips.
50
00:02:42,801 --> 00:02:44,167
I went with him once.
51
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:45,601
You can't imagine what it's like
52
00:02:45,601 --> 00:02:48,033
to ride something
so wild and uncontrolled.
53
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:55,868
Yes, I can.
54
00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:57,334
[CAR APPROACHES]
55
00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:58,434
That's him!
56
00:02:58,434 --> 00:03:01,934
Hurry!
Everybody hide!
57
00:03:01,934 --> 00:03:05,667
[DOORBELL RINGS]
58
00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:07,534
Get the door, Al.
59
00:03:07,534 --> 00:03:10,133
I can't. I'm hiding.
60
00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,567
Surprise!
61
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:22,534
Hey, this is great!
62
00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:24,133
Steve, I missed y--
63
00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:26,734
What's that
on your face?
64
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:28,734
It's a beard.
Like it?
65
00:03:28,734 --> 00:03:31,300
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
66
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:35,801
Oh, ho ho. The stories
I have to tell.
67
00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:37,234
The very first morning--
68
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:41,901
Ha ha. Well, all's well
that ends well.
69
00:03:41,901 --> 00:03:44,334
Let's get some cake, huh?
70
00:03:44,334 --> 00:03:47,467
Aw, I don't know,
Marce, uh...
71
00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,400
kind of tired,
you know?
72
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,234
Really tired.
73
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:56,934
Bone...weary?
74
00:03:56,934 --> 00:03:58,033
Oh.
75
00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:01,000
You know, Steve,
I'm kind of pooped too.
76
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,033
Why don't you go home
and shave.
77
00:04:03,033 --> 00:04:04,534
I'll put together
some little sandwiches,
78
00:04:04,534 --> 00:04:08,634
in case you want
to snack between...naps.
79
00:04:08,634 --> 00:04:11,234
Actually, I was thinking
of keeping the beard.
80
00:04:11,234 --> 00:04:13,701
Oh, you can, Steve.
After you shave,
81
00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:16,601
You can keep it
in a little box.
82
00:04:16,601 --> 00:04:19,100
No, I'm serious.
I like it.
83
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:21,033
Oh, look, Al.
They're going to fight.
84
00:04:21,033 --> 00:04:22,634
Yeah. Good.
85
00:04:22,634 --> 00:04:26,133
Hide the cold cuts where
the kids won't find them.
86
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,033
Now, come on, Steve.
Go on home and shave.
87
00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:31,400
No.
88
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:35,467
No? No? I must have
misheard you, Steve.
89
00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:36,934
I thought you said "no."
90
00:04:36,934 --> 00:04:38,334
I also thought
all of our decisions
91
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:40,801
were going to be
joint decisions.
92
00:04:40,801 --> 00:04:42,300
A beard is a decision.
93
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:45,701
Fine. Next time you want
to grow a beard, do it.
94
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:49,434
Don't think I won't.
95
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,467
The beard stays.
96
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:54,267
It's gone.
I'll see to that.
97
00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:56,667
You have to sleep
sometime.
98
00:04:56,667 --> 00:05:00,200
Try it, Marcie.
I sleep like the owl.
99
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:06,300
A beard, huh?
100
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,133
It won't work, Al.
101
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:11,968
I don't look
at your face anyway.
102
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,968
Everybody like their cake?
103
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,667
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
104
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,767
You know, Mom,
I swear I smell cold cuts.
105
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,100
Do we have some?
106
00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:33,000
We don't have any.
No. I wish.
107
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,000
Hear Steve
and Marcie
108
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,067
fight last night,
kids?
109
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,734
I'll tell you
this--
110
00:05:36,734 --> 00:05:38,100
when I get married,
111
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:39,801
my wife's not going to
tell me when to shave.
112
00:05:39,801 --> 00:05:44,901
No, she'll just
be going "baaaa."
113
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:47,734
Sure. Everybody makes fun of me
114
00:05:47,734 --> 00:05:49,267
because I'm the only virgin
in the house.
115
00:05:54,801 --> 00:05:56,901
Oops.
116
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,601
He's lying, Dad.
117
00:06:01,601 --> 00:06:05,300
Naaah.
118
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,300
[DOORBELL RINGS]
119
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,400
Damn.
120
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:09,901
Come on, now, kids.
121
00:06:09,901 --> 00:06:14,133
Is that the way we talk
at the breakfast table?
122
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:19,534
Nope, sorry, Tex.
No chores for you today.
123
00:06:19,534 --> 00:06:21,901
Maybe we'll have you
124
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:24,567
chop a little wood for us
tomorrow.
125
00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:25,934
Ha ha.
126
00:06:25,934 --> 00:06:28,501
I'm not really in the mood
for this, Al.
127
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:30,300
I just came over
to say I'm sorry
128
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,701
if the noise kept you
awake last night.
129
00:06:32,701 --> 00:06:33,701
Oh, don't worry.
130
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,767
We didn't hear a word,
131
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,267
especially
when Marcie said,
132
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:39,367
"I don't care
how sad Mr. Mike is.
133
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:42,801
There's no room
at the inn."
134
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:47,033
[DOORBELL RINGS]
135
00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:49,033
If it's that woman,
I'm not here.
136
00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:52,033
He's over there.
137
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:54,801
Steven Rhoades,
don't you dare think
138
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,501
you can walk out
of this argument.
139
00:06:56,501 --> 00:06:57,501
What argument?
140
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:59,334
Do you see
an argument?
141
00:06:59,334 --> 00:07:02,367
No! All I see
is an innkeeper
142
00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:04,434
who doesn't
honor reservations.
143
00:07:04,434 --> 00:07:05,934
Shave the beard!
144
00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:08,934
Okay, I'll just have to go
where my beard's appreciated,
145
00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:11,734
somewhere where
looks aren't important...
146
00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:13,234
Oh, no.
147
00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:15,367
With my friends,
the Bundys.
148
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:17,467
And I will remain here
149
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:20,801
until you accept this beard
and all it stands for.
150
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:23,901
Fine. You can stay here
as long as you want.
151
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:28,133
How long will
that be, Steve?
152
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:31,033
Till hell freezes over,
if need be.
153
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,868
She's got to learn
that a man's face...
154
00:07:33,868 --> 00:07:35,734
is a man's face.
155
00:07:35,734 --> 00:07:37,968
You think I'm right,
don't you, Peggy?
156
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:41,267
I don't look at Al's face.
157
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:43,534
All right, Steve.
158
00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:45,267
If you want to play out
this macho charade,
159
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:46,467
go ahead.
160
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,968
You can come home
when your face is back
161
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:53,000
to the baby's behind
I fell in love with.
162
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,167
Where do I sleep?
163
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:04,367
[WHISTLES]
164
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:07,400
Hi, hon.
165
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,467
Ahh, what a day.
166
00:08:10,467 --> 00:08:13,534
Get me a beer, will you?
167
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,467
You know, every broad
that came in the store today
168
00:08:16,467 --> 00:08:18,467
was complaining their husbands
169
00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:19,801
don't pay enough attention
to them.
170
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:25,634
You smell
good today, Peg.
171
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:28,634
Not tonight, dear.
I have a headache.
172
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,767
Steve, what the hell
are you doing here?
173
00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:32,367
I live here.
174
00:08:32,367 --> 00:08:33,801
But I want you to know, Al,
175
00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:36,000
I am not going
to be a bother to you,
176
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,968
so if I do anything
that gets on your nerves,
177
00:08:38,968 --> 00:08:41,334
don't hesitate
to tell me.
178
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:42,934
Don't put your feet
on the coffee table.
179
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:45,901
I just cleaned that.
180
00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,901
And don't scrunch up
the pillows.
181
00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:49,400
I have to sleep there.
182
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,000
Oh, and if you're
going to watch TV,
183
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,000
remember, I go to bed
at 10:30 sharp.
184
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,000
10:30? That's when
Peggy goes to sleep.
185
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:59,267
That means I have
to go up with her.
186
00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:01,000
Well, I hate
to punish Peggy,
187
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,567
but I need my sleep.
188
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:04,067
Well, how about this, Steve?
189
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:09,968
Shave that bird's nest
and get the hell out!
190
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:11,868
What...
what's that smell?
191
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,234
It's food, Al.
192
00:09:16,234 --> 00:09:19,100
Well, how'd you get the stove
to work?
193
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,968
Peg said it's been
broken for months.
194
00:09:21,968 --> 00:09:23,133
Nah, I checked it out.
195
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:26,434
Somebody just
cut the cord.
196
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:34,000
Hey! Mr. Rhoades
is making food!
197
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,501
Yeah, and look!
198
00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:37,701
He's using
the bottom thing!
199
00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,367
It's called an oven.
200
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:41,167
Wow...
201
00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:48,267
You know, kids, we've
eaten before, but...
202
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:52,067
we've never
really eaten.
203
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:54,434
Kids, thank your mother
for that terrific meal.
204
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:56,868
Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.
205
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:02,601
I set out the napkins.
206
00:10:06,868 --> 00:10:10,400
Mr. Rhoades, do you know
anything about algebra?
207
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,901
Well...
208
00:10:11,901 --> 00:10:13,601
I have been known
to juggle a few numbers
209
00:10:13,601 --> 00:10:14,801
down at the bank.
210
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:17,267
I thought I was going to
help you with your homework.
211
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:22,067
Why not pass if you can?
212
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:23,901
What a show-off.
213
00:10:23,901 --> 00:10:28,000
All four burners
going at once.
214
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,467
Well, I saw, Al.
215
00:10:29,467 --> 00:10:30,968
He only used three...
216
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:32,467
and that bottom thing.
217
00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:35,367
Just wait till our
electric bill comes in.
218
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:37,100
It's gas, Peg.
219
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:39,901
Oh...who cares?
220
00:10:39,901 --> 00:10:42,400
The point is I think
we have made a big mistake
221
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,133
by letting Steve stay here.
222
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,467
KIDS: Ha ha ha!
223
00:10:45,467 --> 00:10:47,634
And I don't think
it's good
224
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:50,567
for the children,
either.
225
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,701
I'm going upstairs
226
00:10:51,701 --> 00:10:54,968
and putting a stop to
this nonsense right now.
227
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:59,801
You'll get rid of him
in the morning, won't you, Al?
228
00:10:59,801 --> 00:11:01,367
Sure.
229
00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:03,868
[DOORBELL RINGS]
230
00:11:11,968 --> 00:11:14,534
Hi. Is Steve here?
231
00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:17,567
I thought maybe we could...
Talk?
232
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:20,434
No!
233
00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:37,801
Good morning, Steve!
234
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:40,934
Hey, Peg.
235
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,434
Steve, you look great.
236
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:44,434
I especially
like that beard.
237
00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:46,334
Hey, let's go out tonight,
buddy.
238
00:11:46,334 --> 00:11:47,868
Bowling, a movie?
239
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:49,801
Hey, let's go shopping.
I'll buy you something.
240
00:11:49,801 --> 00:11:52,868
Thanks, Al, but I won't
be home tonight.
241
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:54,367
What's the matter, buddy?
You upset about something?
242
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:55,868
Is it Peggy?
Did she say something?
243
00:11:55,868 --> 00:11:56,968
Because let me know.
244
00:11:56,968 --> 00:11:59,334
If she did, she'll be
out of here by night!
245
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:03,567
Nope, Al,
it's not Peggy.
246
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:05,567
I've got to go to a
banker's banquet tonight.
247
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,200
Marcie and I both
have to be there.
248
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,667
But you're not going to...
talk to her, are you?
249
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:15,033
No, no, but we agreed
to go together
250
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:16,434
for appearances' sake.
251
00:12:16,434 --> 00:12:20,334
This banquet's important
to both our careers.
252
00:12:20,334 --> 00:12:21,467
It would be really
uncomfortable
253
00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:22,634
for me to be there
with her.
254
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:24,033
I mean, I haven't
seen her for five days.
255
00:12:24,033 --> 00:12:26,467
I haven't touched her,
smelled her,
256
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:28,767
I haven't buried my face
in her--
257
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:31,634
Steve!
258
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:33,234
Remember
what's important here.
259
00:12:33,234 --> 00:12:37,968
You have a beard and
a family to take care of.
260
00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:41,701
Al, I'm horny!
261
00:12:41,701 --> 00:12:43,200
I'm thinking
of shaving.
262
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,334
Yes!
263
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:45,400
No!
264
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,901
Al, calm down.
265
00:12:46,901 --> 00:12:49,767
Can we go someplace
private to talk?
266
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:50,968
Sure, buddy.
267
00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:53,200
Peg, get out of here!
268
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,133
Fine.
269
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:56,367
I think I'll go upstairs
270
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,000
and look through
the photo album.
271
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,434
You know, I think I have
a picture of Marcie...
272
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:03,667
last summer,
washing the car...
273
00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:07,033
You know, when she
got her t-shirt wet,
274
00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:11,467
and you said something about...
taking her for a little spin,
275
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:14,467
but you didn't use the car?
276
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:18,701
You know. That picture?
277
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,501
I'm shaving, Al.
278
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:24,567
I've never seen
a t-shirt that wet.
279
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:27,400
Sit down, Steve.
280
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,868
I can't, Al.
281
00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:38,033
Steve, I'm going to
tell you a little something
282
00:13:38,033 --> 00:13:39,767
I learned about life.
283
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:42,701
Oh, good, at the feet
of the master again.
284
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:44,133
The way I see it,
285
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:47,567
Nature played
a cruel trick on us.
286
00:13:47,567 --> 00:13:50,601
Well, it did move us
next door to each other.
287
00:13:50,601 --> 00:13:51,601
All right, two tricks,
288
00:13:51,601 --> 00:13:53,534
but I'm talking
about the one
289
00:13:53,534 --> 00:13:56,400
that keeps us men
from ruling the Earth.
290
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,834
See, nature gave men the urge
and women the answer.
291
00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:02,834
Sure, it's not much,
but it's all they need.
292
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:05,267
Gee, I wish nature
gave us everything,
293
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:06,767
like the worm...
294
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:09,434
or like that guy who works
down at the antique store,
295
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:15,467
but...nobody asked me,
and now it's too late.
296
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:20,000
God, that was
a wet t-shirt.
297
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,767
Steve, think dry here
for a minute, will you?
298
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,601
See, the problem is...
299
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:28,434
women know
we have these urges,
300
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,434
but they have
the same urges we do.
301
00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:33,934
They just don't
show it because...
302
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:37,100
Well, that's how
spiteful they are.
303
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:39,100
But, Steve, they need us
304
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:42,100
just as much
as we need them.
305
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:45,901
Why? Because we
can do the job,
306
00:14:45,901 --> 00:14:48,901
and you can't
take a battery home
307
00:14:48,901 --> 00:14:50,901
to meet your mother.
308
00:14:54,033 --> 00:14:56,567
There.
I've said my piece.
309
00:14:56,567 --> 00:15:00,100
Now, what are you going
to do about it, buddy?
310
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,067
I'm going to shave
and rock the house.
311
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:04,534
The beard itches, Al.
312
00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:07,534
I'm sick of it,
and I look stupid.
313
00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:09,901
Well, I know you do,
Steve,
314
00:15:09,901 --> 00:15:11,901
but at least you've
got your pride.
315
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:13,901
Oh, a guy like you
316
00:15:13,901 --> 00:15:17,734
can get sex
anytime he wants to,
317
00:15:17,734 --> 00:15:21,767
but it's pride that
keeps our pants up, Steve.
318
00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:23,267
Just say "no."
319
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:27,767
You know something, Al?
You're right.
320
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:30,267
Evolution may
have passed you by,
321
00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:31,767
but you're right.
322
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,167
I know I am.
323
00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:34,334
I'm making a point
here.
324
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:35,334
I'm fighting
the good fight.
325
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:36,501
You're right, Steve.
326
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:39,434
Steve, when you get back
from this banker thing,
327
00:15:39,434 --> 00:15:40,601
I'll still be up.
328
00:15:40,601 --> 00:15:41,667
Do you suppose
329
00:15:41,667 --> 00:15:42,801
you could make those
little brown potatoes?
330
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:45,067
I love those.
331
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,634
I waited till they left.
What's the big news?
332
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:55,167
Steve is horny.
333
00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:57,100
I can tell.
334
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,601
Your house is clean.
335
00:15:58,601 --> 00:16:01,567
Is he ready
to shave the beard?
336
00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:02,834
Almost, but of course,
337
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:04,868
we have
the usual obstacle.
338
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:07,334
What's Al doing?
339
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:10,234
Making Steve hold out
until you give in.
340
00:16:10,234 --> 00:16:11,767
Ha ha ha.
341
00:16:11,767 --> 00:16:14,601
It will be
a cold day in--
342
00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:17,267
Oh, God, I need him.
343
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:20,100
Calm down,
Marcie.
344
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:26,801
Ohh, this is one
of Steve's socks.
345
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:31,868
Yes, but Al's
been wearing it.
346
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:36,100
Oh, Peggy, what am I
going to do?
347
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,434
I don't know how much longer
I can hold out...
348
00:16:38,434 --> 00:16:40,901
but I will not give up
my principles
349
00:16:40,901 --> 00:16:42,567
for an hour and a half
of pleasure.
350
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:47,634
Look, you don't have
to give up any--
351
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:51,133
An hour and a half?
352
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,133
If you add up
all the sex
353
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:56,634
Al and I
have ever had,
354
00:16:56,634 --> 00:17:00,567
it still doesn't come to
an hour and a half--
355
00:17:00,567 --> 00:17:02,834
at least
not of pleasure.
356
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:05,334
Oh, well. Look, you can
keep your principles
357
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:07,000
and still have Steve.
358
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,067
Marcie, I only
want your happiness,
359
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:12,167
preferably
at your own house,
360
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:13,667
because, you see,
361
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,667
now I have healthy kids,
a happy husband,
362
00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:19,667
and it has just
got to stop.
363
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,000
So why don't you
do this?
364
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,667
Tonight, when you pick up
Steve for this banker thing,
365
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,501
why don't you wear
the sleaziest,
366
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:28,667
sexiest, sluttiest
outfit you can find?
367
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,200
I'll loan you
something.
368
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,367
I couldn't do that.
369
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,868
Our relationship
isn't based on that.
370
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:37,200
Oh, please.
371
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,200
Then what does it mean
372
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,200
When you're screaming, "Oh,
God! Oh, God! Oh, God!"
373
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,868
yet you never
go to church?
374
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:48,467
Marcie, let me
tell you
375
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,467
a little
something about men.
376
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:53,467
You see, nature played
a very cruel joke on them.
377
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:56,467
It gave them
a source of pleasure,
378
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,000
but in order
for it to work,
379
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,234
the blood has
to leave the brain,
380
00:18:02,234 --> 00:18:05,434
and, you see, it
leaves them confused...
381
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:06,501
disoriented...
382
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:10,033
and eager to enter
into negotiations,
383
00:18:10,033 --> 00:18:15,133
because the brain
wants that blood back.
384
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:17,501
You see, it needs it
to go to work
385
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:18,968
to pay for
all those things
386
00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:22,501
it agreed to
only moments before.
387
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,167
You see,
Marcie,
388
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:26,667
we may not have
upper-body strength,
389
00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:29,167
but we do have
sexual kryptonite.
390
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:32,667
Use it, Marcie. Have him
shave that beard.
391
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,167
Aw, hell. Have him
shave his head--
392
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:36,567
for me.
393
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,701
No. I will not
stoop as low
394
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,701
as to use sexual bartering
in our marriage.
395
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:44,534
I'll appeal
to his intellect.
396
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:46,367
We'll have
a rational discussion,
397
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:47,868
and he'll shave
398
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:49,934
because he'll see
I'm right.
399
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:51,767
Do you have
any batteries?
400
00:18:56,167 --> 00:18:58,367
I hate this beard!
401
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:02,901
Just say "no."
402
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:06,467
I don't think I can, Al.
403
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:09,467
Marcie's going to be here soon.
404
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:13,267
I was looking up dresses
at work today, Al.
405
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:16,701
Perfectly natural.
406
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:20,334
It's natural in your business.
You're a shoe salesman.
407
00:19:20,334 --> 00:19:22,133
A bank manager has to put
the security cameras
408
00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:23,367
on the floor to do that.
409
00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:26,834
I did that today, Al.
410
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,634
I'm going to cave.
I just know it.
411
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,167
I know you are, too, Steve.
412
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:34,100
That's why
I have a gift for you...
413
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:37,767
a very special gift.
414
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,267
I didn't want to do this
415
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:42,267
until it was
absolutely necessary,
416
00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:43,801
but, uh, sit down.
417
00:19:43,801 --> 00:19:48,234
Clear your mind...
418
00:19:48,234 --> 00:19:51,400
think of Marcie...
419
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,400
and take a look at...
420
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,234
my mother-in-law!
421
00:19:55,234 --> 00:19:58,868
Aah!
422
00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:10,901
Everybody says that.
423
00:20:10,901 --> 00:20:12,400
Yep. Look at her,
424
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,567
bending over
at the beach.
425
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:19,100
Summer of '71.
426
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:21,634
Notice
the perspiration
427
00:20:21,634 --> 00:20:24,901
percolating in the folds
of her flesh.
428
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:32,601
You may wonder why her
upper arms are blurry.
429
00:20:32,601 --> 00:20:34,901
There was a breeze...
430
00:20:37,434 --> 00:20:40,234
and we caught them
in midflap.
431
00:20:46,601 --> 00:20:50,000
Thanks, Al.
I'm okay now.
432
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,367
Steve, take it,
433
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:54,067
and if you should get
the urge at this banquet,
434
00:20:54,067 --> 00:20:55,133
take at look at it.
435
00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:57,934
It's also good
for dieting.
436
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:06,634
Marcie.
437
00:21:06,634 --> 00:21:08,634
Steve.
438
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,033
Your hair. You changed it.
439
00:21:11,033 --> 00:21:13,968
Yes. Like it?
440
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:20,234
Not really.
441
00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:21,767
Are we ready?
442
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:24,067
All right, Steve.
443
00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:26,701
But first,
I have something to say.
444
00:21:26,701 --> 00:21:31,100
With regards to your beard,
though it is your face,
445
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:33,133
it has affected both of us.
446
00:21:33,133 --> 00:21:35,601
It does not enhance
your business persona,
447
00:21:35,601 --> 00:21:37,601
and it makes me
terribly unhappy,
448
00:21:37,601 --> 00:21:38,701
so I appeal to your
intelligence,
449
00:21:38,701 --> 00:21:40,601
sensitivity, and good judgment
450
00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:43,534
by asking you to please
shave the beard.
451
00:21:43,534 --> 00:21:45,767
No.
452
00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:48,367
In that case...
453
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,067
[BUZZ]
454
00:22:09,801 --> 00:22:12,801
Peg, you know those
little brown potatoes
455
00:22:12,801 --> 00:22:14,467
that Steve makes?
456
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:17,300
Can you do that?
457
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,801
Al, you know
about making love
458
00:22:19,801 --> 00:22:23,300
for an hour and a half
like Steve does?
459
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:28,701
Can you do that?
460
00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:30,734
Burger King?
461
00:22:30,734 --> 00:22:32,534
Yeah.
462
00:22:43,968 --> 00:22:47,200
[***]1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage-- *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try
Try to separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage-- **
17
00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:19,567
Nice game, Peg.
18
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:22,067
Oh, you're talking
to me again, huh?
19
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:25,100
It was fun, Al.
It's only a game.
20
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:28,100
No, it's only a game
if you win,
21
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:31,100
but if you lose,
it's a stinking waste of time,
22
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:33,100
especially if you lose
23
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:35,601
to the Kiss-Me
Cosmetics Company.
24
00:01:35,601 --> 00:01:38,033
Well, they sure smelled good,
didn't they?
25
00:01:38,033 --> 00:01:41,033
And you know, Al,
I may have struck out
four times,
26
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:43,534
but at least
I found out
27
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:46,234
I was using
the wrong eyeliner.
28
00:01:46,234 --> 00:01:48,033
Peg, we lost to six women
29
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:51,033
and three men
with visible panty lines.
30
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:53,534
Bud, you had fun,
didn't you?
31
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:55,901
You stink, Mom.
32
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,033
We lost to women, Dad.
33
00:02:00,033 --> 00:02:02,100
You'll get
used to it, son.
34
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:03,534
We haven't won
a game all season.
35
00:02:03,534 --> 00:02:05,601
Well, I'm going to go upstairs
and take a shower.
36
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:07,901
Al, would you like me
to prepare your shower?
37
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:09,901
You know, spray deodorant
38
00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:13,334
on the underarms
of a clean shirt?
39
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:16,701
Peg, I don't have
any clean shirts.
40
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:20,067
You guys can be
miserable if you want to,
41
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:23,567
but I got out in the sunshine
and I had a good time.
42
00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:26,067
I love being on this team.
43
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,367
Peg, you're right.
That's what
it's all about.
44
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:35,601
We've got to get rid
of your mother, Bud.
45
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:38,067
I know, Dad, but how?
46
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:40,234
We've got to have
three women on the team.
47
00:02:40,234 --> 00:02:42,234
Well, we've got
to do something.
We're O in 7.
48
00:02:42,234 --> 00:02:43,667
If we lose
our next two games,
49
00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:45,033
we're out
of the league.
50
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:48,467
And then you know where
we'll be spending our Sundays.
51
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:49,634
Grandma's.
52
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:51,834
Yeah.
53
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:55,033
Well, it may not
come to that, son.
54
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:57,033
Next week,
we're playing
55
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:59,033
the Shaky Acres
Retirement Home...
56
00:02:59,033 --> 00:03:01,534
and their best player
has bladder problems.
57
00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:03,534
We'll take him out
58
00:03:03,534 --> 00:03:05,567
on the first play
at second.
59
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:09,734
But your mother would
lose a grounder in the sun.
60
00:03:09,734 --> 00:03:12,501
It's too risky, Bud.
We need another woman.
61
00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:14,501
Well, this may be
stretching the word "woman,"
62
00:03:14,501 --> 00:03:16,334
but Kelly's pretty good--
she's got a great arm.
63
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:21,067
I once saw her hit a police car
with a rock at 200 yards.
64
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:24,234
I taught her to throw.
Let's sign her.
65
00:03:24,234 --> 00:03:26,067
I don't know.
Mom loves those games.
66
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:28,767
How can we get her
not to play?
67
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,267
Well, that's where
you come in, Bud.
68
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,534
I leave it up to you.
69
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:32,667
Nothing permanent.
70
00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:34,868
I just want her
out for two weeks.
71
00:03:36,901 --> 00:03:38,868
You can depend on me.
72
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:40,100
Hey, I--
73
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:43,033
I don't want
to know about it.
74
00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:45,534
Just do what
you have to do.
75
00:03:45,534 --> 00:03:47,033
Right, Dad.
76
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,534
Three-women rule.
77
00:03:48,534 --> 00:03:51,467
If God had wanted
women to play ball,
78
00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:53,400
he'd have made them men.
79
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:58,567
I just met
the most wonderful guy.
80
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:00,801
He's nice,
he's courteous,
81
00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:03,400
he's never thrown a teacher
through a window,
82
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,033
but still, there's
something I like about him.
83
00:04:06,033 --> 00:04:08,133
That's good, uh...
Think fast!
84
00:04:11,601 --> 00:04:13,968
You know, Kelly,
it's been a long time
85
00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:15,567
since we've had
a father-daughter talk.
86
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:19,367
We've never had
a father-daughter talk.
87
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:21,434
That's because
up until now,
88
00:04:21,434 --> 00:04:24,434
I've never had anything
to say to you, but...
89
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:25,934
Sit down.
90
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:28,434
You grew up so fast.
91
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,434
Just seemed
like yesterday
92
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:32,534
we were out
in the backyard
playing catch.
93
00:04:32,534 --> 00:04:34,200
Before Bud was born
94
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,367
and you figured I was
your last chance?
95
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:39,868
Bud means nothing to me.
96
00:04:39,868 --> 00:04:41,000
You were always
my favorite.
97
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,334
You know that.
98
00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:43,868
Oh, Daddy...
99
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,901
Yeah, come on, come on.
100
00:04:45,901 --> 00:04:49,901
Honey, I was just thinking,
you know, your old dad...
101
00:04:49,901 --> 00:04:51,901
might not
be around forever.
102
00:04:51,901 --> 00:04:53,901
That's what Mom says.
103
00:04:56,801 --> 00:04:58,133
Your mom is the reason
104
00:04:58,133 --> 00:05:00,400
that I might not
be around forever,
105
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,334
but, no, honey,
I was thinking, you know,
106
00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:05,133
maybe you might like
to play a little ball
107
00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:06,734
on our team this Sunday.
108
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,200
I thought Mom was playing.
109
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,868
PEG: Ow!
110
00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:12,467
Al, I almost broke my toe
on your weights.
111
00:05:12,467 --> 00:05:15,667
I told you not to leave them
laying around.
112
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:20,367
Mom might be
a little busy.
113
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:23,033
You know, Dad,
I'd love to, but I can't.
114
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:25,300
This new guy and I
are going to go watch them
115
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:28,467
unload the '88 Harleys
down at the bike shop on Sunday.
116
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:29,667
I think I'm in love.
117
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:32,634
Kelly, honey, let me
tell you something.
118
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:34,067
Guys will come
and guys will go,
119
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:37,501
but your dad will always
be your dad...
120
00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:38,834
until he can't
take it anymore
121
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,033
and he hops
on a freight train.
122
00:05:41,033 --> 00:05:42,400
Come on, honey.
123
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,100
It'll be like old times
in the backyard.
124
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,434
I can't, Daddy.
I've got a date.
125
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:49,601
You're playing
third, Kelly.
126
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,067
Oh, Daddy.
127
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:54,567
Mom! Guess what.
I'm in love,
128
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:57,067
and wait till you meet him.
He's perfect.
129
00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:58,100
He does
the cutest things.
130
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,267
We went down to this
131
00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:00,534
great new restaurant
in New Town.
132
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:01,868
We ate everything
on the menu,
133
00:06:01,868 --> 00:06:03,567
I mean, the most
expensive stuff.
134
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:04,567
You know what he did?
135
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:05,968
He put a roach
in the food,
136
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:07,567
and we didn't have
to pay for anything.
137
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:11,567
You're kidding.
138
00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:12,734
You know, that's amazing.
139
00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:15,968
I used to date a guy
who did that.
140
00:06:15,968 --> 00:06:17,968
Yeah, now your father
just takes me to restaurants
141
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:19,467
where they have
their own bugs.
142
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,300
So, what's his name?
143
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,801
Brian.
144
00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:34,801
Oh, Mom, I love
everything about him--
145
00:06:34,801 --> 00:06:37,300
his hair, his lips,
his breath.
146
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:38,801
His breath?
147
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,300
Really?
148
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,801
Well, there goes
the old myth
149
00:06:44,801 --> 00:06:47,868
of a girl wanting a guy
just like her father.
150
00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:51,167
Peg, I wonder why
151
00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:54,968
you never went after a guy
like your father,
152
00:06:54,968 --> 00:06:56,334
or weren't there any
153
00:06:56,334 --> 00:07:00,000
chronically unemployed
social parasites...
154
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,334
the month you were
in your prime?
155
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:07,467
Mom, how did you know
you were in love with Dad?
156
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:08,567
Well...
157
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:11,968
He was kind of
an athlete in school,
158
00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:14,567
and no one really thought
much about the future back then.
159
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:18,634
BUD: Mom?
160
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:20,534
Can you come up here
right away?
161
00:07:20,534 --> 00:07:21,634
Al, I'm talking to Kelly.
162
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:22,934
Could you go see
what Bud wants?
163
00:07:22,934 --> 00:07:27,601
Clean up after the dog,
talk to your son--it never ends.
164
00:07:27,601 --> 00:07:29,000
You know, honey, you ought
165
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,133
to bring Brian down
to watch us play softball.
166
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,133
I was so good today.
167
00:07:33,133 --> 00:07:35,634
Well, I thought I was good.
168
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:37,634
Daddy was a little upset,
169
00:07:37,634 --> 00:07:40,634
but, you know, he takes
these games much too seriously.
170
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:43,400
AL: Whaa!
171
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,133
[THUD]
172
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:48,367
BUD: Dad, you ruined
everything.
173
00:07:50,868 --> 00:07:53,133
You don't love me.
174
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:55,133
Yes, I do.
175
00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:58,634
Do you think that
I would do this for everyone?
176
00:07:58,634 --> 00:08:00,868
I've seen you do this
for everyone.
177
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:09,601
AL: You stink!
178
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:11,601
My parents are home.
179
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:14,100
I thought they'd be playing
softball all day.
180
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,868
I thought I'd leave home
by the time I was 15.
181
00:08:16,868 --> 00:08:19,100
You know, sometimes things don't
work out the way you think.
182
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,501
Don't worry about
meeting my parents,
183
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,734
except for my father.
184
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:23,167
He's okay and all,
185
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,534
but if he finds you
sitting in his spot,
186
00:08:25,534 --> 00:08:27,300
he'll punch you
in the face.
187
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,100
Where's his spot?
188
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,834
I forget.
189
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,100
Anyhow, only talk to him
190
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:36,100
about sports
and bodily functions.
191
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,133
It's what he knows,
it's what he likes.
192
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:41,133
Oh. One more thing--
193
00:08:41,133 --> 00:08:44,133
if you touch me
while he's here,
194
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:46,133
he'll break your back.
195
00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:47,634
Ready?
196
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:53,634
It was very brave of you
to play with that foot, Al.
197
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,234
Yeah, freak accident,
198
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:57,234
slipping on
a banana peel.
199
00:08:57,234 --> 00:08:59,133
How'd you do, Dad?
200
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:01,133
I went 4 for 4,
201
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:04,133
Bud went 4 for 4,
and your mom...
202
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:06,133
Well, we lost 17-8.
203
00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:08,133
At least
I hit the ball, Al.
204
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:10,133
Oh, great. You finally
make a bunt,
205
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:13,167
and an 80-year-old man
beats you to first base.
206
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,667
Course, he wasn't
wearing high heels.
207
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:18,267
Bud, you want to get me
some juice, huh?
208
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,167
Is this your spot?
209
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:22,667
This is my house.
210
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:25,901
Every spot is my spot.
211
00:09:25,901 --> 00:09:29,167
Mom, Dad, I'd like you
to meet Brian.
212
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,167
Next week, we play
the Christian T-shirt Shop.
213
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:37,167
Now, they've never won a game
because they refuse to steal,
214
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:39,667
but they've never played us.
215
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:43,100
Dad, the refrigerator's
been sucked dry.
216
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,200
Who's this?
217
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,601
It's Brian.
218
00:09:48,601 --> 00:09:50,601
Nice to meet
you, Brian.
219
00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:52,701
Yeah, nice
to meet you, Brian.
220
00:09:52,701 --> 00:09:53,701
Hi.
221
00:09:53,701 --> 00:09:55,701
Your breath
smells of juice.
222
00:09:55,701 --> 00:09:58,067
Oh, don't pay
any attention to Al.
223
00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:02,033
No one ever does.
224
00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:04,133
You know, you look
kind of familiar.
225
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:06,200
Do I know you
from anywhere?
226
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,200
I don't think so,
227
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,801
but I do work
at the grocery store.
228
00:10:08,801 --> 00:10:12,300
Then there's no way
she ever saw you there.
229
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,300
Drank all my juice, huh?
230
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:16,300
Wait a second, Dad.
231
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:19,334
Juice gives him
the essential vitamins
232
00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:21,334
he needs to fight...
233
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:22,400
infections.
234
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:28,167
Brian, I'd like you
to meet my brother, Bug.
235
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:29,667
That's Bud.
236
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:35,167
I was named after a beer,
wasn't I, Dad?
237
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:39,167
So, Brian, outside of drinking
all our juice,
238
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:42,167
what are your intentions
with Kelly here?
239
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,167
Come on, everybody,
240
00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:46,400
let's give them
a little privacy.
241
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,701
You know, I think my dad
really liked you.
242
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,400
Gee, I really liked him.
243
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,467
By the way,
thanks for saying,
244
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:05,968
"Have some more juice.
There's plenty."
245
00:11:05,968 --> 00:11:07,968
You're more important
than my father.
246
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,801
Am I?
247
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:13,133
Sure. You know
how I feel about you.
248
00:11:13,133 --> 00:11:16,734
You know, it takes
more than words.
249
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,000
There is a way
250
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,234
you could
prove it to me,
251
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:21,234
but you'd never do it.
252
00:11:21,234 --> 00:11:23,133
Yes, I would. What?
253
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:25,667
You've known me
for two days.
254
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:29,033
You know there's nothing
I wouldn't do.
255
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:32,167
I know, but I'm talking
about a tattoo,
256
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:34,667
one with my name on it.
257
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:37,667
I'm getting one
with your name on it.
258
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:39,167
You are?
259
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,834
Yeah.
260
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,667
That's the way
I feel about you, Kelly.
261
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:45,734
Well, where do you
want me to put it?
262
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,667
Anywhere,
263
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:50,167
as long as it shows.
264
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,167
So, like, anywhere.
265
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:53,667
Yeah.
266
00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:58,567
I don't know.
My parents would kill me.
267
00:12:01,934 --> 00:12:03,868
I'll do it.
268
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:10,834
AL: Come on, Peg,
269
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:12,834
you're not leaving
till you catch a fly ball.
270
00:12:12,834 --> 00:12:14,133
PEG: It's dark.
271
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,634
Catch!
272
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:18,267
Ow!
273
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:21,601
That's it, Al.
I am not practicing anymore.
274
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,801
I'm good enough,
and it's just a game.
275
00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:26,033
It's not just a game.
276
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:28,300
We'd better not lose
to the Christians, Peg.
277
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,033
I'm warning you.
278
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:32,567
I hate that
three-women rule.
279
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:34,067
I hate women.
280
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:36,067
Dad, can I talk to you?
281
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:37,567
Oh, why?
282
00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:39,567
It's important, Daddy.
283
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:40,734
Okay. Now, listen,
284
00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:42,667
this is
not about sex, is it?
285
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:45,767
Because I don't know
anything about that.
286
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,501
I know. Mom told me.
287
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,334
No, it's not
about sex, Dad.
288
00:12:51,334 --> 00:12:53,000
Good. Good.
289
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,501
Okay. Now,
I'm going to be
290
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:58,000
totally straight
with you.
291
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,000
There's this girl.
Let's call her... Betty.
292
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000
She has this guy
who wants her
293
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,033
to look a certain
way for him,
294
00:13:06,033 --> 00:13:08,200
but, see, this girl
295
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,467
isn't sure that she wants
to look this certain way.
296
00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:12,868
Kelly, let me
tell you something.
297
00:13:12,868 --> 00:13:16,868
Society, somehow, some way,
separated the sexes.
298
00:13:16,868 --> 00:13:19,033
Now, they made girls weak.
299
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:23,033
Now, I'm not saying
it's bad to be a girl.
300
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:25,033
I'd rather be dead myself.
301
00:13:25,033 --> 00:13:27,534
But it's always
the girl's place
302
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:30,033
to do something
for the guy,
303
00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:34,033
Never the guy's place
to do anything for the girl--
304
00:13:34,033 --> 00:13:35,234
until you marry them--
305
00:13:35,234 --> 00:13:39,067
then the law steps in
and makes you.
306
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,567
But back to this
friend of yours... Betty.
307
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:44,501
See, she has to understand
that you don't always
308
00:13:44,501 --> 00:13:47,501
have to do
what the guy says,
309
00:13:47,501 --> 00:13:50,000
especially if Betty...
310
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,000
is my little girl.
311
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,667
Yeah, come on, come on.
312
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,667
Okay, Peg! Get out in the hall!
313
00:13:58,667 --> 00:14:00,434
We're going to do
some grounders!
314
00:14:00,434 --> 00:14:01,901
I don't want to, Al.
315
00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:04,200
I didn't want to talk
to Kelly either, but I did.
316
00:14:17,534 --> 00:14:21,534
Yeah. Is this
Melvin's Tattoo?
317
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:26,934
Yes. Can I make an appointment
for next Sunday?
318
00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:32,033
I know, I know. I stink.
319
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:34,367
But it was close.
320
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:38,033
We lost to nuns.
321
00:14:38,033 --> 00:14:40,534
I have never been
so humiliated.
322
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:42,467
In front of everyone,
323
00:14:42,467 --> 00:14:46,901
you told Sister Mary Alice,
"Bless this, honey."
324
00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:50,000
Hey, I might not know
all the religious gestures,
325
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,000
but I recognized
the one she gave to me.
326
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,501
[DOORBELL RINGS]
327
00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:55,934
Gee, I wonder
who that could be.
328
00:14:55,934 --> 00:14:58,868
If there's any justice,
it's the baseball police.
329
00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:00,501
Yes?
330
00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:02,000
Hi, Peggy.
331
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,501
You don't remember
me, do you?
332
00:15:04,501 --> 00:15:05,734
No.
333
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:08,000
All right, I'll give
you a little hint.
334
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,100
That night behind the aquarium
in high school?
335
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,868
Oh, Craig!
336
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:16,968
No.
337
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,534
Ted!
338
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:21,534
No.
339
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:23,934
Rodrigo!
340
00:15:23,934 --> 00:15:26,434
No.
341
00:15:26,434 --> 00:15:29,200
Well, you're just
going to have to be
a little more specific.
342
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,634
Jimmy.
343
00:15:30,634 --> 00:15:32,534
Oh, that aquarium.
344
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:37,834
Well, come on in.
345
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:43,968
Al, this is Jimmy,
from the aquarium.
346
00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:47,968
This is
my husband, Al.
347
00:15:47,968 --> 00:15:49,968
You're
a lucky man, Al.
348
00:15:49,968 --> 00:15:52,000
Yeah, right.
349
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,000
So sit down, Jimmy.
350
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,000
You want a beer?
351
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:03,000
Sure.
352
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,501
So, what brings you around here
after all this time?
353
00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:08,501
Well, I wondered
what became of you,
354
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,000
so I looked you up.
355
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,000
Who would ever have thought
that you'd be living
356
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,334
in a nice, big place
like this?
357
00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:19,334
I've never been
in a house like this.
358
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:22,334
How'd you let this one
get away, Peg?
359
00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:24,334
Actually, Al,
she dumped me.
360
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:27,100
Yeah? What did you do?
361
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,267
Nothing, really.
362
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:31,033
It was just before
the sophomore dance.
363
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:34,033
I'd rented a tux,
a car, bought flowers.
364
00:16:34,033 --> 00:16:37,534
I got to her house
just in time to see
365
00:16:37,534 --> 00:16:42,367
her little bottom pull off
on the back of a Harley.
366
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,334
Let me get this straight.
367
00:16:44,334 --> 00:16:46,734
You think this house
is big, but her bottom--
368
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:47,734
Al, Jimmy is speaking.
369
00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:49,734
And I didn't dump you.
370
00:16:49,734 --> 00:16:54,200
I just went out the back door
with a cuter guy.
371
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,200
You know how kids are.
372
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,567
Yeah, yeah,
I can laugh about it now.
373
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:01,567
Ha ha ha!
374
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:04,067
She didn't realize it then,
375
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:07,434
but she was
the love of my life.
376
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:12,067
See how lucky
you are, Al?
377
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:16,467
See how lucky you are?
378
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:17,868
You know, that night
379
00:17:17,868 --> 00:17:20,567
I was coming
to take you to the dance,
380
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:23,334
I had something special
to show you.
381
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,801
Look at this.
382
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:29,801
Oh, Jimmy,
I'm so flattered!
383
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:31,868
Well, look at that, Al.
384
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:35,434
He has my name
tattooed on his arm.
385
00:17:35,434 --> 00:17:37,434
You never did that.
386
00:17:37,434 --> 00:17:39,934
Maybe that's because
I'm not insane
387
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:42,100
like old Jimbo over there.
388
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,033
Well, buddy,
thanks for stopping by.
389
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:47,033
Next time you want to mutilate
some part of your body,
390
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,234
swing by and show it to us.
391
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,033
I'm going.
392
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:53,133
I just wondered if you
knew what it was like
393
00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:54,701
to go through
your whole life
394
00:17:54,701 --> 00:17:58,033
with a tattoo of "Peggy"
on your arm.
395
00:17:58,033 --> 00:18:01,033
I had to marry
a girl named Peggy,
396
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:03,534
a fat horse
of a Peggy.
397
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:07,067
You know, the kind of woman
that looks like
398
00:18:07,067 --> 00:18:09,067
she inhaled
another woman.
399
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:13,567
I guess we should all be
grateful for what we have.
400
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,767
You got a Peggy
that's beautiful and fun.
401
00:18:16,968 --> 00:18:20,067
I got one that sleeps
standing up.
402
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:24,834
I can laugh about that now,
though. Heh!
403
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:29,300
We had fun in high school,
didn't we?
404
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:31,634
Like when I took you
to that fancy restaurant
405
00:18:31,634 --> 00:18:33,300
and I put the roach
in the food
406
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,400
and we got our meal for free.
407
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,734
That's funny.
408
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:39,434
My daughter's dating
a guy who did that.
409
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:44,534
I know. It's my son.
410
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:47,868
I can laugh
about that now too.
411
00:18:50,033 --> 00:18:51,534
Where's Kelly?
412
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:53,534
I don't know,
413
00:18:53,534 --> 00:18:56,534
but I think she might
be out with Brian.
414
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:59,033
That's great.
My daughter is out
415
00:18:59,033 --> 00:19:01,200
with the spawn of Norman Bates
and Sea Biscuit.
416
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:06,467
I should have killed him
when he drank my juice.
417
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:08,467
Maybe we'd better
go find her.
418
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:10,868
Dad, I got a good one.
419
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:14,400
This one is so good,
I won't even charge you.
420
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,400
Guess where I saw Kelly.
421
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,868
Eliminate the obvious
422
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:20,400
like the back seat,
the bushes, jail.
423
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,067
Now guess.
424
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:25,834
Okay, time's up.
She's getting a tattoo.
425
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:27,367
Yep.
426
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,968
I saw her and Brian
go into the tattoo parlor.
427
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,067
They were testing her arm.
428
00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,167
Should I bring down your belt?
429
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,567
Al, you've got
to do something.
430
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:40,067
Whoo! Much better
than a belt, Dad.
431
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:42,067
I'm going
to go stop Kelly,
432
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:46,033
then find Jimbo,
and hit one out of the park.
433
00:19:46,033 --> 00:19:48,033
Now, where's
this tattoo parlor?
434
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:50,100
Okay, it's the one
next to the nightclub that says,
435
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,434
"Girls, girls, girls."
You go down--
436
00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:52,300
I know where it is.
437
00:19:55,234 --> 00:19:57,100
Bud, where are you going?
438
00:19:57,100 --> 00:20:01,367
I'm moving my stuff
into my dead sister's room.
439
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,534
Freeze.
440
00:20:08,534 --> 00:20:10,534
Show me your arm.
441
00:20:10,534 --> 00:20:12,901
Who spotted me?
442
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,367
BUD: * Dum da-dum-dum-dum *
443
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,367
Hey, that's my stuff!
444
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:20,667
Never mind that, Kelly.
Show me your arm.
445
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,067
Oh, Mom, I didn't
get the tattoo.
446
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:24,467
I mean,
I was going to,
447
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:26,901
but on the way over,
Brian told me the whole story,
448
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,200
and a funny thing happened.
449
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,567
We really did fall in love,
450
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,234
and we both decided
to get tattooed.
451
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:32,634
But then you realized
452
00:20:32,634 --> 00:20:34,367
how upset your father
and I would be?
453
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,067
No.
454
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:39,067
See, when Brian
was getting his tattoo,
455
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:43,000
I saw the cutest guy,
and we fell in love,
456
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,000
so I went outside,
and we rode off in the sunset
457
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,000
in his Domino's
pizza truck.
458
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,501
This is it, Mom.
This is the real thing.
459
00:20:51,501 --> 00:20:55,033
You're really turning into
a fine young woman.
460
00:20:55,033 --> 00:20:58,033
You know, Mom, I feel closer
to you than ever
461
00:20:58,033 --> 00:21:02,501
now that both of these geeks
have tattoos.
462
00:21:02,501 --> 00:21:04,100
Yeah.
463
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:06,100
You know, I feel kind of sorry
for Brian, though.
464
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:08,167
He's going to have to go
through his whole life
465
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:10,367
with "Kelly"
tattooed on his arm.
466
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:11,367
That's no problem.
467
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:12,868
I'll just introduce him
468
00:21:12,868 --> 00:21:15,868
to this other girl
at school named Kelly.
469
00:21:15,868 --> 00:21:18,567
She's kind of fat, though.
470
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:22,834
Well, as long
as we're happy.
471
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:25,300
Kelly, my hair.
472
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:29,567
* Dum da-dum, dum-dum *
473
00:21:29,567 --> 00:21:30,901
Excuse me.
474
00:21:36,067 --> 00:21:38,567
I went to the tattoo parlor.
475
00:21:38,567 --> 00:21:40,067
Good news.
476
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:42,200
She didn't get
the tattoo.
477
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,334
I know. She's upstairs.
Did you find Jim?
478
00:21:45,334 --> 00:21:48,334
Yep. I followed Brian
to his house,
479
00:21:48,334 --> 00:21:50,334
broke the door down,
480
00:21:50,334 --> 00:21:53,834
and I was going to
break Jimmy's head when...
481
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:56,834
she came out
of the kitchen.
482
00:21:56,834 --> 00:21:59,868
Peg, her face was
in a Jell-O mold.
483
00:21:59,868 --> 00:22:01,868
She was wearing
a muumuu,
484
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:04,367
but it
had to be slit
485
00:22:04,367 --> 00:22:06,868
so she could
fit into it.
486
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:08,868
Peg, she had no knees.
487
00:22:08,868 --> 00:22:10,868
So I let him live.
488
00:22:10,868 --> 00:22:15,234
I figured that's the worst thing
I could do to him.
489
00:22:15,234 --> 00:22:17,934
That's my Al.
490
00:22:17,934 --> 00:22:20,868
She was horrible, Peg,
horrible!
491
00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:25,367
You look good, Peg.
492
00:22:25,367 --> 00:22:27,534
Thanks, Al.
493
00:22:27,534 --> 00:22:30,400
God, she was fat.
494
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,167
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try
Try to separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:15,634 --> 00:01:18,467
[HUMMING]
18
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:20,868
You want some?
I made it myself.
19
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,601
Hey, Peg.
I got you something
20
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:28,501
that's going to make
your life much easier.
21
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:31,267
You got a night job?
22
00:01:31,267 --> 00:01:33,601
No. I already got
one of those.
23
00:01:33,601 --> 00:01:36,868
It's called getting
in bed with you.
24
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:42,167
Well, then,
you've been missing work.
25
00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:44,234
Anyhow, you know
how you're always complaining
26
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:47,033
Buck never comes
when you call him?
27
00:01:47,033 --> 00:01:49,934
Well, I got you one of those
silent dog whistles. Watch.
28
00:01:49,934 --> 00:01:52,801
Here, Buck.
29
00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:54,868
Now watch this.
30
00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,934
Go on, sit there
and rust.
31
00:02:02,934 --> 00:02:06,334
Speaking of items just
sitting and rusting away,
32
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:08,334
it's Thursday night.
33
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:09,734
Oh, nice timing, Peg.
34
00:02:09,734 --> 00:02:11,234
You know I'm going
bowling tonight.
35
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:14,234
I was going to try
to break 200.
36
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:16,033
Now I got this
hanging over my head.
37
00:02:16,033 --> 00:02:17,367
Thanks a lot, Peg.
38
00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:19,367
And what's this
doing out?
39
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:20,801
Are we having dinner,
40
00:02:20,801 --> 00:02:23,701
or is this just
to tease me and the kids?
41
00:02:23,701 --> 00:02:25,067
No, it's for later.
42
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,334
The girls
are coming over.
43
00:02:27,334 --> 00:02:28,567
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
44
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:29,534
Oh, my God,
they're here.
45
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:33,801
Quick! I've got to go!
46
00:02:33,801 --> 00:02:35,634
Peg! Where's
my lucky bowling socks?
47
00:02:35,634 --> 00:02:39,734
Downstairs, warding
off evil spirits.
48
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:41,033
[DOORBELL RINGS]
49
00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:42,400
[HUMMING]
50
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,100
Hi!
Hi!
Hi!
51
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:51,000
Come on in, girls.
52
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,767
Go straight
into the kitchen.
53
00:02:53,767 --> 00:02:57,000
AL: There's plaster falling
on my head down here!
54
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:57,868
Keep cadence, will you?
55
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,234
Don't worry.
56
00:03:00,234 --> 00:03:01,634
He'll be going
bowling soon.
57
00:03:01,634 --> 00:03:04,234
I know.
He's meeting my Dennis.
58
00:03:04,234 --> 00:03:05,868
And my husband, um...
59
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:06,868
Um...
60
00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:07,934
Barry?
61
00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:09,300
That's it.
62
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,834
I can never think
of his name.
63
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,167
Ah!
64
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:18,067
Oh!
Oh!
Ooh!
65
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,501
It's amazing what
energy they have
66
00:03:19,501 --> 00:03:21,000
when they're
leaving the house.
67
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,634
But not for us.
68
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:25,868
You marry them,
they forget you're a woman.
69
00:03:29,534 --> 00:03:32,634
God knows,
I do my best.
70
00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:35,367
Peggy, you get it
once a month.
71
00:03:35,367 --> 00:03:37,734
What's your secret?
72
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:40,167
Well, I'll tell you,
73
00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:42,067
you have to catch
them off guard.
74
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,701
For instance, I'll tell Al
75
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:46,634
that I'm going to take
a shower before going to bed.
76
00:03:46,634 --> 00:03:48,234
Then I'll go
and turn on the shower,
77
00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:50,033
and Al will hurry up
and get into bed
78
00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:53,234
and pretend to fall asleep
before I get out.
79
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:54,968
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
80
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:58,000
Actually, though,
I'm hiding in the darkened room,
81
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,000
and I grab him
just as he hits the mattress.
82
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,501
Sure, sometimes,
there's a fight,
83
00:04:02,501 --> 00:04:05,000
but in the end, it gave us
two beautiful children.
84
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,501
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
85
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:09,901
I can't understand it.
86
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:12,334
Our husbands don't want
to sleep with us anymore.
87
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,367
Why?
88
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:24,367
Maybe he's afraid
he'll wake up in your stomach.
89
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,267
Must he be here?
90
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,367
I'm going. I'm going.
91
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:48,868
Good God, it calls them
from everywhere.
92
00:04:48,868 --> 00:04:50,234
Hi, Peg.
93
00:04:50,234 --> 00:04:52,634
Sorry to interrupt, girls,
but I'm in a hurry.
94
00:04:52,634 --> 00:04:55,367
Steve and I have
sort of a date planned tonight.
95
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:56,901
He's meeting me
at a sleazy bar
96
00:04:56,901 --> 00:04:59,133
where he's going to
"pick me up."
97
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,734
Can I borrow a cigarette?
98
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,000
Steve just loves it
99
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,934
when I smoke
and look like trash.
100
00:05:04,934 --> 00:05:05,968
Sure.
Thanks.
101
00:05:05,968 --> 00:05:07,734
Excuse me,
but if you're married,
102
00:05:07,734 --> 00:05:10,501
why are you going out?
103
00:05:10,501 --> 00:05:12,000
We're role playing.
104
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,868
It adds mystery and excitement
to our love life.
105
00:05:14,868 --> 00:05:16,501
With your husband?
106
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:18,567
How much
of a love life?
107
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:21,167
Every 36 hours.
108
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:24,067
Except on weekends
when we catch up.
109
00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:26,033
Give us some
cigarettes, Peggy.
110
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:30,868
Yeah. Let's go to the bowling
alley and turn on our men!
111
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:42,334
Al, what are you doing
home so early?
112
00:05:42,334 --> 00:05:44,234
Peg, you should have seen it.
113
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:47,767
There was a riot at the alley.
114
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:48,801
Your friends showed up
115
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:50,968
stinking of chocolate
and cigarettes.
116
00:05:50,968 --> 00:05:53,901
They started yelling,
"Take me, I'm trash!"
117
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:58,067
Nobody did.
118
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:01,000
But then the riot started.
It was ugly, Peg--
119
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,334
men screaming,
running for the exits.
120
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,033
I didn't quite understand
what they were saying,
121
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:14,033
but I think something big's
happening in 36 hours.
122
00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:15,968
Do we have
any canned goods, Peg?
123
00:06:15,968 --> 00:06:17,801
This could be it.
124
00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:19,434
Sit down, Al.
125
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:21,501
Did you hear something
on the news?
126
00:06:21,501 --> 00:06:23,601
Yes, as a matter of fact.
127
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:26,033
They said that the sun
was going to supernova
128
00:06:26,033 --> 00:06:28,267
and we should have sex
before the end comes.
129
00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:30,367
I got no time, Peg.
I got to go looting!
130
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:33,868
Forget it, Al.
I'm only kidding.
131
00:06:33,868 --> 00:06:35,501
Look, unlike you,
132
00:06:35,501 --> 00:06:38,400
the sun will be up
tomorrow morning.
133
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,767
Look, the girls
were just lonely.
134
00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:44,934
They wanted some affection
from their husbands.
135
00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:47,067
On league night?
136
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:48,968
Never mind, Al.
137
00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:51,901
I'm going to go upstairs
and take a shower.
138
00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:53,100
Oh, yeah! I'm sure you're
139
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:54,767
really going to get me
with that one twice.
140
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,901
Dad!
141
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:03,767
No, it's
not that, Dad.
142
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:05,501
Remember how you
always say it's important
143
00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:06,901
to do nice things
for other people?
144
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:08,634
I never say that, son.
145
00:07:08,634 --> 00:07:11,501
Then it must have
been you, Mom.
146
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:14,434
No, I don't think
it was me.
147
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,267
Must have been Cosby then.
148
00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:20,667
Anyhow, me and my friends
were down in the park,
149
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:22,634
heckling some bums,
and I met this girl.
150
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:24,133
and she has
no place to stay,
151
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,133
so I invited her here.
152
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:26,000
Is that okay?
153
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,734
No.
154
00:07:29,734 --> 00:07:32,234
Al, the girl
has no place to stay,
155
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,100
and I'm sure
after one night with you,
156
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,634
it will send her
screaming back to her parents.
157
00:07:36,634 --> 00:07:38,367
Of course, she can stay.
158
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,567
Thanks, Mom.
She's right outside.
159
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:42,267
Just until
we find her parents.
160
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:44,267
This is great.
161
00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:45,501
I barely want my own,
162
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:47,000
now I get another
runny-nosed--
163
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:57,434
Mom, Dad,
this is Tiffany.
164
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,834
Welcome home, Tiff.
165
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:12,567
Al, this is not
what I expected.
166
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:15,601
Peg, this is not
a present for you.
167
00:08:15,601 --> 00:08:17,300
It's for Dad...
168
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,100
From his little boy!
169
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:26,100
Tiffany, come in.
Relax. Sit down.
170
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:29,467
You want anything,
like coffee, water--
171
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,934
An old man
drooling on you.
172
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:33,667
This is Peg.
173
00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:36,601
This is probably
the last time you'll see her.
174
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:38,434
Peg, this must
be boring you.
175
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:40,734
Bud, take your mom
to the movies.
176
00:08:40,734 --> 00:08:42,968
Let her go by herself, Dad.
177
00:08:42,968 --> 00:08:45,734
I found her.
178
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,767
So, uh, Tiffany...
179
00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:49,734
Tell us a little
something about yourself.
180
00:08:49,734 --> 00:08:52,367
What Peg means is
where are you from,
181
00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:53,634
what are your plans?
182
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:56,634
When did you stop
wearing a bra?
183
00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:58,300
Well, I'm from
San Francisco,
184
00:08:58,300 --> 00:08:59,300
and I'm on my way
185
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,234
to New York
to go to art school.
186
00:09:01,234 --> 00:09:02,734
And I don't like bras.
187
00:09:02,734 --> 00:09:04,801
They're too constricting,
don't you think?
188
00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:06,033
Get out.
189
00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:11,667
Peg, she's got
no place to go.
190
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:14,267
Bud, get some sheets
and a blanket for the couch
191
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:16,834
so your mother
will be comfortable.
192
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,400
No, no... I meant
so Tiffany can be comfortable.
193
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,334
It's so easy to get
you two confused.
194
00:09:25,334 --> 00:09:26,367
You sure it's okay?
195
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:27,868
Positive.
No!
Definitely.
196
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,567
Thank you.
197
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:31,834
I'll just change
for bed, then.
198
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:39,567
Isn't that cute, Peg?
199
00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:40,567
She's...
200
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:42,300
walking.
201
00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:49,868
Al, will you put down
Tiffany's sweater?
202
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,267
You know, Peg,
203
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:57,133
her sweater
smells like sunshine.
204
00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:58,934
Well, I'll tell you what, Al,
205
00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:01,033
why don't we put it
with your shirts?
206
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:03,267
What with the moons
under your arms
207
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:04,901
and her sunshine,
208
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:07,234
we'll have a whole galaxy.
209
00:10:09,534 --> 00:10:11,167
Mr. and Mrs. Bundy,
210
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,534
I can't
thank you enough
211
00:10:12,534 --> 00:10:14,734
for letting me
stay here with you.
212
00:10:14,734 --> 00:10:16,767
No, you can't.
213
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,100
Give her a chance, Peg.
She may.
214
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:24,534
She did.
215
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:30,567
Can you teach Peg
to do that?
216
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,667
I don't think
she'll have time, Al.
217
00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:34,033
She's leaving tomorrow...
218
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,701
Early.
219
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,267
Well, I'm going up to bed.
220
00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:40,133
I don't suppose
you'd want to join me.
221
00:10:43,968 --> 00:10:45,434
Yeah.
222
00:10:45,434 --> 00:10:46,534
Yes?
223
00:10:46,534 --> 00:10:51,434
Oh, yeah. Now.
Right now.
224
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,000
Stay!
225
00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:15,634
AL: Peg, you want to
come back up?
226
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,534
Forever.
227
00:11:17,534 --> 00:11:19,400
Coming, Al!
228
00:11:27,901 --> 00:11:29,000
Hey, guys.
229
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,601
Thanks for helping me out
in the yard.
230
00:11:30,601 --> 00:11:31,601
Glad to help out.
231
00:11:31,601 --> 00:11:32,801
No problem.
232
00:11:32,801 --> 00:11:34,400
Nice guy like you.
233
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:40,100
I hope my aerobics
didn't disturb your yard work.
234
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,567
No.
Didn't even
notice you.
235
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:44,434
I'll just go
wash up, then.
236
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:50,133
Thanks, Al.
237
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:52,567
Well, I hear
Louise calling.
238
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:55,067
Yeah, Sheila's
always ready.
239
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:59,767
Maybe I won't remember
what she looks like.
240
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,901
Fanny should
still be in bed.
241
00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:03,067
Oh, well, I guess
242
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:04,834
I can pretend
the crumbs are sand
243
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:06,868
and we're at the beach!
244
00:12:09,601 --> 00:12:11,100
Well, Al...
245
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,968
thanks for letting me work
in the yard.
246
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:18,801
Hey, Al!
247
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:19,868
What's going on?
248
00:12:19,868 --> 00:12:21,501
I get home, there are
all these cars
249
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:22,501
parked on my lawn!
250
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:24,000
Didn't you
get my note?
251
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,801
The one about five bucks
to work your yard?
252
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:27,334
I was going
to rush right over,
253
00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:29,567
but I got held up tossing
quarters down the sewer.
254
00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:30,567
Actually, Steve, there's
something upstairs
255
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:31,968
you've got to see.
256
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,601
Now, to the general public,
it's a $5.00 charge,
257
00:12:34,601 --> 00:12:36,234
but since you're a friend
258
00:12:36,234 --> 00:12:38,067
and we accidentally
chopped down your willow tree,
259
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:39,467
this is a freebee.
260
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,100
Oh, Tiffany!
261
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:43,767
Yes, Mr. Bundy?
262
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,133
Tiffany dear,
come meet our neighbor.
263
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:49,033
He lost a tree,
but gained a view.
264
00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:50,467
Tiffany, Steve.
265
00:12:50,467 --> 00:12:53,367
Steve... Steve, view.
266
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,234
Nice to meet you.
267
00:12:57,033 --> 00:12:59,133
Gobloodu me.
268
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,934
Gee, you're cool, Steve.
269
00:13:07,167 --> 00:13:09,133
Anyhow, let me
give you a price list.
270
00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:11,634
On Thursdays,
she does aerobics.
271
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:13,033
That's $10.
272
00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:14,801
On Friday
she sunbathes,
273
00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:16,901
and she does
some jogging.
274
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:19,000
That's our
combo platter.
275
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,367
That's 15 bucks.
276
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,000
But being you live
right next door,
277
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,400
you might want
the weekly rate.
278
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,834
That's $50,
but with that,
279
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:26,868
you get popcorn
or a free lottery ticket.
280
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,701
I can't believe you, Al.
281
00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:32,167
This is truly low.
282
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:33,200
So you in?
283
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,434
Maybe.
284
00:13:35,434 --> 00:13:36,934
No, I'm not in.
285
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:38,300
Where's Peggy?
286
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,400
Well, she couldn't
quite get up today.
287
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:45,567
Look at her, Steve.
288
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:52,167
She's in the kitchen.
Isn't that cute?
289
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:55,367
Okay, so she's beautiful
and gorgeous and all that,
290
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,667
but, Al, so is Marcie,
291
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,501
and what's more,
Marcie has inner beauty.
292
00:13:58,501 --> 00:14:00,167
And when all
is said and done,
293
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:01,801
the one true erogenous
zone in the body
294
00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:02,801
is right up here.
295
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:05,767
Um, yeah, but the only
thing is, Steve,
296
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:10,000
I don't see too many men going
around pinching women's heads.
297
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,067
Well, perhaps we should.
298
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:14,834
Wait a second.
299
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:18,300
Modigliani,
Kandinsky, Chagall.
300
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:21,300
Who here would
be reading art books?
301
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:25,167
Who here
would be reading?
302
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:28,100
Oh, those are mine.
303
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,300
Although I must admit it was
304
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,767
the American Impressionists
who won my heart.
305
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,167
How do you feel
about Hassam?
306
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:43,234
Oh! And Cassatt!
307
00:14:43,234 --> 00:14:47,767
Ahh!
308
00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:50,767
Al, isn't this exciting?
She likes art!
309
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:54,634
Look at
her legs, Steve.
310
00:14:56,767 --> 00:15:01,300
Oh, Peg! Peg,
it's wake-up time!
311
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:11,767
Sorry to leave you
down here.
312
00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:15,267
I had to take care
of something upstairs.
313
00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:17,767
Well, hi-ho, hi-ho.
314
00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:19,367
I'm off to work.
315
00:15:19,367 --> 00:15:23,367
Marcie, how're
they hanging?
316
00:15:28,601 --> 00:15:30,467
Ohh!
317
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:36,100
I, uh, may be home
for lunch.
318
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:39,801
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
319
00:15:39,801 --> 00:15:43,400
My, the clouds look
especially fluffy today.
320
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,267
[WHISTLES]
321
00:15:47,767 --> 00:15:49,734
What is going on?
322
00:15:49,734 --> 00:15:53,000
And what's all this
singing at night I hear?
323
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,267
That's the sounds
of nookie, dear.
324
00:15:57,267 --> 00:16:01,267
Everybody's getting it.
325
00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:05,234
But if you were getting it
every 36 hours before Tiffany,
326
00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:07,601
I'm surprised
you're even conscious.
327
00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:10,801
So, what are you
batting these days?
328
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:14,434
He doesn't even
get up to the plate.
329
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:18,067
Gee, too bad.
330
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:22,467
I can't stand it, Peggy.
331
00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:24,234
Everyone
in this neighborhood
332
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,767
is happy, but me.
333
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,300
It's not fair.
334
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:30,334
I'm supposed
to be the happy one,
335
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:32,300
not you people.
336
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:34,501
All Steve wants to do
is talk about Tiffany.
337
00:16:34,501 --> 00:16:36,634
Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany.
338
00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:37,834
He could care less
339
00:16:37,834 --> 00:16:40,067
that I was at that bar
waiting for him last night--
340
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,834
with a cigarette.
341
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,801
He never did show up.
342
00:16:43,801 --> 00:16:46,801
I spent three hours
pounding down brewskies
343
00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:49,601
with some spot welder
named Bluto.
344
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:52,367
Well, Marcie, why don't you
look at it this way--
345
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:54,467
so your husband
doesn't find you
346
00:16:54,467 --> 00:16:56,200
attractive and
interesting anymore.
347
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,067
Did you think you'd
get through married life
348
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:01,467
having sex and fun
indefinitely?
349
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,601
Not in this town, Marce.
350
00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:06,834
So why don't you do
what the girls and I did?
351
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:08,834
Get yourself some bonbons,
352
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:10,567
take up bingo,
353
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:14,033
and readjust the shower heads
in the bathroom.
354
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,334
How about
if I try this?
355
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:20,834
Putting Tiffany's hair
in a veg-o-matic?
356
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:22,834
Slice it, dice it,
357
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,868
let it sit in her lap
358
00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:28,334
while I dance around
her shaven head.
359
00:17:28,334 --> 00:17:30,000
Come on, Peggy,
you've got to help me.
360
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,400
We must get rid of Tiffany.
361
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,133
Oh, no, no, no, Marce.
362
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:35,534
We must put an end
to world hunger,
363
00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:37,467
we must buckle
up for safety,
364
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:40,467
but when it comes to Peg Bundy
getting it regularly,
365
00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:43,367
we must go with the flow.
366
00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:47,300
Now, if you'll excuse me,
367
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,400
I must go and get dinner
for my sugar tush.
368
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:54,634
Oh, and if Tiffany comes back,
could you have her
369
00:17:54,634 --> 00:17:58,267
sitting on the couch
when Al comes home?
370
00:17:58,267 --> 00:17:59,868
It's important.
371
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,801
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
372
00:18:05,734 --> 00:18:08,167
Hello?
373
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:10,868
No, Steve,
this is not Tiffany.
374
00:18:10,868 --> 00:18:12,567
This is your wife,
375
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:14,067
and let me tell--
376
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,334
Hello?
377
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:21,601
Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades.
378
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,834
Gee, you're
looking haggard.
379
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:26,400
Isn't this nice?
380
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,100
The birds are singing,
381
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,467
the whole neighborhood
smells of bacon,
382
00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:31,968
and, you know,
383
00:18:31,968 --> 00:18:33,968
everybody says
that the clouds
384
00:18:33,968 --> 00:18:35,501
look especially
fluffy.
385
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:38,534
Here are your messages, Kel.
386
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,000
Thank you.
387
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,601
Craig called.
388
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:43,534
Saw Tiffany.
Please call immediately.
389
00:18:43,534 --> 00:18:45,434
Don, ditto.
390
00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:47,934
Cliff. Ooh, Cliff!
391
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:49,934
Uh, Kel.
392
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:51,868
Forgetting something.
393
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:57,868
You are one heck
of a little brother.
394
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:02,734
Yep. I found her.
395
00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:08,067
[BIRDS SING]
396
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:12,968
Hi. How are you?
397
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,334
Gee, isn't it a pretty day?
398
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:19,033
All right, blondie.
399
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,934
Let's get right to the point.
400
00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:22,968
I want you to
stop talking Modigliani
401
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:24,400
with my husband.
402
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,701
You must be married to Steve,
the banker/mountain climber.
403
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:33,968
He hasn't climbed anything
since you hit this burg.
404
00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:37,167
But I'm probably boring you
with my petty problems.
405
00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:40,968
Pretty much, yeah.
406
00:19:40,968 --> 00:19:44,567
Well, then let's
talk about you.
407
00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:46,467
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
408
00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:48,868
What's the matter?
409
00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:50,267
Oh, nothing.
410
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:52,567
It's just that
I hate to see you,
411
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,934
a budding young artist,
wasting your life.
412
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:58,267
You should be in New York,
that cultural mecca,
413
00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:01,901
studying to be the great artist
you could be.
414
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,667
Is this one of
your sketches, dear?
415
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,434
Yes, it is.
416
00:20:08,434 --> 00:20:10,300
It's lovely.
417
00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:14,434
I'm sorry.
418
00:20:14,434 --> 00:20:16,334
It's just that
when I see art this good--
419
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,968
I get kind of choked up.
420
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:22,467
You really think
I'm that good?
421
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:25,000
I've seen the sun
422
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:29,467
come up over
a garden hose before...
423
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:33,133
but now that I've seen it
through your eyes,
424
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:34,901
I truly understand.
425
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:39,234
The hose represents
man's state in the universe.
426
00:20:39,234 --> 00:20:40,801
Tiffany, go!
427
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:43,667
You must share your vision
with all of New York!
428
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,033
You're right. I'll go.
429
00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:46,834
I'll tell Peg and Al
tonight that--
430
00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:47,834
No, no!
431
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:49,901
Don't tell them. Just go.
432
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:52,033
A clean break is best.
433
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:55,434
There's a pre-paid ticket
waiting for you at O'Hare.
434
00:20:55,434 --> 00:20:56,934
My treat.
435
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:58,934
Thank you,
Mrs. Rhoades.
436
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:01,267
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pack!
437
00:21:01,267 --> 00:21:03,868
Oh, okay!
438
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:06,400
New York?
439
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,200
Hey, Peg.
440
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,334
What happened
to the birds?
441
00:21:13,334 --> 00:21:15,434
Uh, I don't know, Al.
442
00:21:15,434 --> 00:21:17,334
You want to go upstairs?
443
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:18,968
No, not yet.
444
00:21:18,968 --> 00:21:20,200
Eh...
445
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,901
It doesn't smell like
it used to in here.
446
00:21:23,901 --> 00:21:27,367
It's not like
a sea breeze anymore.
447
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:29,367
Where's Tiffany?
448
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:31,100
Out. For the evening.
449
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,968
She went to the movies.
450
00:21:32,968 --> 00:21:34,300
You want to go upstairs?
451
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:37,834
Uh, no. No, uh...
452
00:21:37,834 --> 00:21:39,367
Something's missing.
453
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:40,868
Is it darker, or...
454
00:21:40,868 --> 00:21:43,834
colder?
455
00:21:43,834 --> 00:21:45,434
Has the paint faded?
456
00:21:46,901 --> 00:21:48,400
All right, Al.
457
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,400
She's gone. Forever.
458
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,901
But it doesn't
matter, honey.
459
00:21:55,901 --> 00:21:57,367
I mean, who needs her?
460
00:21:57,367 --> 00:21:59,300
We've been
so happy together,
461
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:01,434
and we've learned
so much.
462
00:22:01,434 --> 00:22:03,167
Like that you won't die
463
00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:06,367
if we do it more
than once a month.
464
00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:09,100
Let's go upstairs.
465
00:22:12,868 --> 00:22:14,701
Uh, I'm going up.
466
00:22:14,701 --> 00:22:17,367
You want to join me?
467
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,367
Al?
468
00:22:26,801 --> 00:22:29,868
PEG: Oh, God, no!
469
00:22:43,467 --> 00:22:46,367
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:21,801
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:25,167
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,334
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,234
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,767
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:39,167
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:43,200
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,934
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:51,667
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:56,701
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,968
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,667
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:08,467
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,868
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:21,801 --> 00:01:24,033
TV REPORTER: Yes, Christmas Eve
is finally here,
18
00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:26,534
and so is the new
Lakeside Mall.
19
00:01:26,534 --> 00:01:27,701
Bring the little kiddies.
20
00:01:27,701 --> 00:01:29,701
We've got six Santas.
No waiting.
21
00:01:29,701 --> 00:01:32,534
And for you bigger kids,
come to the Red Nose Bar
22
00:01:32,534 --> 00:01:38,534
and meet Santa's very special
reindeer, Donna.
23
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,334
So come on down.
We're open till midnight.
24
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,133
Singers?
25
00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:45,267
* Santa Claus is coming
To the Lakeside Mall **
26
00:01:49,334 --> 00:01:51,167
Thanks for the help, kids.
27
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:52,167
Oh, by the way, listen.
28
00:01:52,167 --> 00:01:53,167
If you're thinking
29
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,767
about what to get old Dad
for Christmas,
30
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:55,801
don't worry about it.
31
00:01:55,801 --> 00:01:57,834
You've already given it to him.
32
00:01:57,834 --> 00:02:00,267
It's called a hernia.
33
00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:03,300
Dad, can we go
to that new Lakeside Mall?
34
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:06,300
Kelly can shop,
you can get bombed,
35
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:10,167
and I can ride Santa's
very special reindeer.
36
00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:12,934
Dad, why don't we get Bud
one of those scratching posts
37
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:14,000
to rub against?
38
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,100
You know, it'll save
the furniture.
39
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,534
You really want to save
the furniture, Kel?
40
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:22,300
Why don't you stop putting
notches on your bedposts?
41
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:24,667
Now, Bud,
apologize to your sister.
42
00:02:24,667 --> 00:02:25,801
No.
43
00:02:25,801 --> 00:02:27,367
Okay.
44
00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:31,534
So, Dad, can we go
to that new Lakeside Mall?
45
00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:33,133
No, we can't,
and I'll tell you why.
46
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:35,400
That mall is
killing your father.
47
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,100
Oh, I thought
Mom was doing that.
48
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:41,133
Let me tell you kids something
about that Lakeside Mall.
49
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,634
It's taken all the business
from my mall,
50
00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:44,968
which, if this continues,
51
00:02:44,968 --> 00:02:46,767
we'll be broke
and living in a cardboard box
52
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,133
under the El.
53
00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:51,133
Not us. We'll be
in a nice warm foster home.
54
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:52,634
Come on.
Let's go, Kel.
55
00:02:52,634 --> 00:02:53,734
Nobody move.
56
00:02:53,734 --> 00:02:55,734
That mall's not so great.
57
00:02:55,734 --> 00:02:58,734
Just a bunch of stores filled
with cheap, gaudy merchandise
58
00:02:58,734 --> 00:03:00,000
that only appeals
59
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,834
to the tasteless,
low-class shopper.
60
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:08,067
* Santa Claus is coming
To the Lakeside Mall **
61
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:11,067
Oh, God,
I love that Lakeside Mall.
62
00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:13,067
Al, give me some money.
I'm going back.
63
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,334
Anyone want to come with me?
64
00:03:14,334 --> 00:03:15,367
I do, I do.
Yeah.
65
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:16,400
Peggy,
66
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,767
I'm ashamed of you.
67
00:03:17,767 --> 00:03:19,267
I know, Al.
68
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:23,167
Don't you
understand?
69
00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:24,934
If people
keep shopping there,
70
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,767
we'll be broke
and living under the El.
71
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:30,534
Oh, not me.
I can always remarry.
72
00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:32,100
And we'll be
in a foster home.
73
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,234
Let's go shopping.
74
00:03:33,234 --> 00:03:35,100
Family, before you go,
75
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:36,634
would you bring old dad
his shotgun
76
00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:39,000
and stand
close together?
77
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,567
Come on, Al.
78
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:41,801
I only go to that mall
79
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:44,434
because it's so much closer
and better than your mall.
80
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:46,934
I mean, it's not like
I was buying shoes there.
81
00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:52,734
You should see it,
honey.
82
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:54,200
For Christmas, they have
these little elves
83
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,968
that help you
with your packages,
84
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:59,534
and a real reindeer
for the kids to ride...
85
00:03:59,534 --> 00:04:01,801
Although I think
he may be dying.
86
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:03,334
Well, then,
let's hurry.
87
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:04,567
Yeah, come on, Al.
88
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:07,400
Santa is parachuting
into the mall at 5:00.
89
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:08,400
All right!
90
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,501
Oh, come on.
91
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:12,033
That's not what
Christmas is about.
92
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:15,534
Christmas is about
family and giving.
93
00:04:15,534 --> 00:04:20,100
Okay, here's all the crap
my family gave us last year.
94
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,601
It's time for
the traditional rewrapping
95
00:04:22,601 --> 00:04:23,868
of this garbage
96
00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:25,000
for your family.
97
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,367
Now...
98
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:30,434
Well, all except
Aunt Pooh's fruitcake.
99
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:31,968
Everyone in the family
already got that.
100
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:34,334
Dad, you punted that
around the house last year.
101
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:38,067
All right. We'll give it
to Steve and Marcie.
102
00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:39,701
Now, has anyone
picked out a tree yet?
103
00:04:39,701 --> 00:04:41,501
Oh, you know, the tree
in the Ginty house
104
00:04:41,501 --> 00:04:42,834
sure is pretty this year.
105
00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,868
It's got lots
of tinsel on it.
106
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,501
That'll be our tree.
107
00:04:46,501 --> 00:04:48,200
Now, kids, that's your job.
108
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,033
He throws it out
the day after Christmas,
109
00:04:50,033 --> 00:04:51,234
so bring it home.
110
00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:52,601
Right, Dad.
111
00:04:52,601 --> 00:04:55,234
That about does it
for Christmas this year.
112
00:04:55,234 --> 00:04:57,868
Oh, I'm tired.
113
00:04:57,868 --> 00:05:00,767
Aren't you
forgetting something,
114
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,334
greatest daddy
in the world?
115
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:04,567
Coolest dad
in the universe.
116
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:07,434
You, who makes my
life worth living.
117
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:09,534
You all want your presents,
don't you?
118
00:05:09,534 --> 00:05:13,868
No. We really
love you.
119
00:05:13,868 --> 00:05:15,467
Ah, life stinks.
120
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:16,701
Well, okay.
121
00:05:16,701 --> 00:05:19,234
Let me go get
my Christmas bonus,
122
00:05:19,234 --> 00:05:21,367
and then I'll go buy
your presents.
123
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:23,834
Dad, you didn't get
our presents yet?
124
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:26,167
It's Christmas Eve. The stores
are going to be packed.
125
00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:29,100
Not in my mall, son.
126
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,567
Okay. He's gone.
127
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,067
Now for Daddy's present.
128
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:39,067
Bud, run upstairs and get a tie
out of Daddy's closet.
129
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:40,567
I'll get a box.
130
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,000
Oh, no, no, no. Wait.
131
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,000
It's Christmas. We should
make it special for him.
132
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,868
Bud, get one
of his shirts too.
133
00:05:48,868 --> 00:05:52,334
Oh, gosh.
I just love Christmas.
134
00:05:54,701 --> 00:05:57,033
I can't wait
to see Daddy's face
135
00:05:57,033 --> 00:05:59,767
when he opens it.
136
00:05:59,767 --> 00:06:01,334
That's his
favorite shirt.
137
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:03,601
Yeah, I saw a belt
up there
138
00:06:03,601 --> 00:06:05,133
that would be great
for his birthday.
139
00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:06,834
[DOORBELL RINGS]
140
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:13,934
Hi. Do the Rhoades live here?
141
00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:15,000
Why?
142
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,501
I have a delivery for them.
143
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:19,100
Oh, why, yes.
I'm Mrs. Rhoades.
144
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,667
Oh, thank you.
145
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:24,701
Oh, gee. I don't have
any change.
146
00:06:24,701 --> 00:06:26,868
Bud, could you take
care of that, please?
147
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,934
Thank you, dear.
148
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:36,934
Oh, kids,
look at what we got
149
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:41,167
from, uh...
The Schmidts from Philadelphia.
150
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:42,801
Hey, honey.
151
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:45,834
Look what we got
from the Schmidts.
152
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:48,968
Ah, they're
good people.
153
00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:51,968
Uh, Dad, I don't
see any presents.
154
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:53,734
He probably has them
in the car, stupid.
155
00:06:53,734 --> 00:06:55,367
Don't you, Dad?
156
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,701
Well, you know how, even
when we didn't have too much,
157
00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:00,701
we could always look
at the poor people
158
00:07:00,701 --> 00:07:01,968
who were less
fortunate than us
159
00:07:01,968 --> 00:07:03,801
and feel better.
160
00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:05,667
Well, let's find
a mirror.
161
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,400
Business was so bad,
162
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,467
I didn't get a Christmas bonus
this year.
163
00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:12,734
Oh, Al, no.
164
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:14,834
You mean we told you
we loved you for nothing?
165
00:07:16,367 --> 00:07:19,367
So you're telling us
there's no reason to live.
166
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:20,834
Yes, I am.
167
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,868
Dad, I'm not like the others.
168
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:27,968
I don't care
if you have no money.
169
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,868
You're still my father
and I love you.
170
00:07:29,868 --> 00:07:31,400
Thanks, son.
171
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,400
You're really getting me
a present, right, Dad?
172
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,400
You're just cutting
out the women.
173
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,534
Good, because
you should hear
174
00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:39,467
how they talk
about you.
175
00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:42,133
Nobody gets a present, son.
176
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:44,033
Pretty low, Dad.
177
00:07:45,701 --> 00:07:51,667
Al, Christmas without presents
will be like our birthdays.
178
00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:55,901
Happy birthday, hon.
179
00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:57,701
I know what we can do.
180
00:07:57,701 --> 00:07:59,367
Let's go down
to the Lakeside Mall.
181
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:00,467
Santa's going to drop
182
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:03,000
gift certificates when
he jumps from the plane.
183
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,000
Let's trample the weak
and get all we can.
184
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,968
Go to the mall
that killed me.
185
00:08:08,968 --> 00:08:10,567
[DOORBELL RINGS]
186
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,767
* We wish you
A Merry Christmas *
187
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,501
BOTH: * We wish you
A Merry Christmas *
188
00:08:16,501 --> 00:08:18,000
* We wish you
A Merry Christmas *
189
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,033
* And a Happy New Year **
190
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,534
Delivery from Santa
for the Bundys.
191
00:08:22,534 --> 00:08:24,534
Aw, gee...
Well, thank you.
192
00:08:24,534 --> 00:08:26,033
Good thing
they're labeled.
193
00:08:26,033 --> 00:08:28,367
I wouldn't want
to get them mixed up
194
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,801
with the presents
Al gave us.
195
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,000
What did Peggy
get you, Al?
196
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,701
Irregularity.
197
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,300
And these two.
198
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:40,133
Al, have you been
to that new mall?
199
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,000
It is a sea of people.
Traffic is unbelievable.
200
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,801
Didn't ease up till
we got near your mall.
201
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:46,167
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me my present, Steve.
202
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:49,968
Al, we thought long
and hard about this,
203
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:52,334
and then we came up
with the perfect gift.
204
00:08:52,334 --> 00:08:53,234
Here.
205
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,234
We donated some money
in your name
206
00:08:57,234 --> 00:08:59,133
to the National Organization
for Women.
207
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:00,767
Merry Christmas.
208
00:09:03,267 --> 00:09:04,467
Oh, that's great.
209
00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:07,400
Do I get tickets
to their 10K man-stomp?
210
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,434
All right.
It's our turn.
211
00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:10,901
What do we get?
What do we get?
212
00:09:14,601 --> 00:09:16,367
A fruitcake.
213
00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:17,467
With a footprint on it.
214
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,434
Mm.
215
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:21,868
Well, thank you.
216
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:23,934
Hey, do you mind
if we turn on the TV?
217
00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:25,133
It's time
for the news.
218
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:26,467
Maybe they'll show Santa
parachuting in
219
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:27,667
to the Lakeside Mall.
220
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,667
Oh, come on.
It's the news.
221
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:31,167
There's plenty
of important stuff on there.
222
00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:32,767
I'm sure they're going
to spend their time
223
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:33,934
to promote a mall.
224
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,067
Well, Connie, I'm here
225
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:39,567
at the jam-packed
Lakeside Mall.
226
00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:42,000
And if their low prices
aren't enough,
227
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,801
Santa, wearing
a pair of high-top Reeboks
228
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:46,801
available at Weejee's
in the mall,
229
00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:49,534
will be parachuting in
any minute now.
230
00:09:49,534 --> 00:09:51,968
And they wonder who's going
to fill Cronkite's shoes.
231
00:09:51,968 --> 00:09:53,000
Shh!
232
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,501
There's the Piper Cub
233
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:57,000
coming out
of the clouds now,
234
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,501
and Santa
just made the jump.
235
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,501
What a beautiful
freefall.
236
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,067
And don't forget,
237
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:05,467
he's coming with a sack
filled with gift certificates
238
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:06,467
for the Lakeside Mall,
239
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:07,734
that's the Lakeside Mall,
240
00:10:07,734 --> 00:10:11,367
where shopping isn't just fun,
it's news.
241
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:12,767
Come on!
Shh!
242
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:14,834
Wow, look at him fly.
243
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:18,400
Why is he flapping
his arms like that?
244
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,901
Santa's chute
doesn't seem to be opening.
245
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,334
Oh, he's being
blown off course.
246
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,334
Our cameras
have lost him!
247
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:32,834
Ladies and gentlemen,
we don't know where he is.
248
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:34,400
[TREE LIMBS CRACK]
249
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:37,734
[HEAVY THUMP]
250
00:10:51,701 --> 00:10:53,734
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
251
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:54,834
Oh, my God.
252
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:56,033
Oh, my God.
253
00:10:56,033 --> 00:10:57,934
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
254
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:06,634
Hey, Peg.
255
00:11:06,634 --> 00:11:08,934
You know what we
ought to do tonight?
256
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:11,567
We ought to make
some Christmas cookies.
257
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:14,200
Oh, yeah, and maybe
some eggnog with nutmeg.
258
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,834
You ghouls!
259
00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:18,200
Don't you understand?
260
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,634
There's a splattered Santa
all over your yard.
261
00:11:21,634 --> 00:11:23,667
What do you want me
to do, Steve?
262
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,968
Quit eating?
263
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,033
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
264
00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:29,601
Oh, my God.
265
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,501
Could you
keep her quiet?
266
00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:34,300
We're trying to have
a Christmas here.
267
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:37,167
Well, that about
wraps it up out there,
268
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:39,033
except for a few questions
for the coroner's report,
269
00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:40,300
if you don't mind.
270
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,734
Did you know the deceased?
271
00:11:42,734 --> 00:11:47,033
Well, you know,
I've read about him in books,
272
00:11:47,033 --> 00:11:49,834
but in books,
he's usually going up.
273
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,234
So that's a no.
274
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,701
Did anyone
actually see him fall?
275
00:11:54,701 --> 00:11:56,968
I wish.
276
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:03,033
You know, um, son, I don't want
you get confused here, okay?
277
00:12:03,033 --> 00:12:05,300
The real Santa would have never
jumped out of a plane
278
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,868
with a bottle of muscatel
in each hand.
279
00:12:07,868 --> 00:12:09,801
No, the real Santa,
he's alive and well
280
00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:11,534
and he's living
at the North Pole,
281
00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:14,300
and he'll visit your house
real soon.
282
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,701
I'm sure he'll find it.
283
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,067
It shouldn't be
too hard.
284
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,033
Just follow
the buzzards.
285
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:25,400
Uh...
286
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,300
Is that
your shoe, Al?
287
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,767
Nope.
288
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:32,334
Oh, my God.
289
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,267
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
290
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,734
You know, Mr. Bundy,
that's evidence.
291
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:38,734
Aw, what the hell.
It's Christmas.
292
00:12:38,734 --> 00:12:41,100
Let him keep it.
293
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,667
Santa's gone.
294
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,267
I'll never be able
to enjoy Christmas again.
295
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:47,901
Well, you're in
the right place.
296
00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:51,400
Come on, Marcie.
These things happen.
297
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,167
When has this happened?
298
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:57,534
Come on, Marcie. Cheer up.
299
00:12:57,534 --> 00:12:58,801
It could've been worse.
300
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:01,534
He could've landed
on the picket fence.
301
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:10,434
Now, calm down and have
some Christmas pizza.
302
00:13:10,434 --> 00:13:12,934
[BELLS JINGLING]
303
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:15,801
Oh, my God.
304
00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:18,067
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
305
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:20,701
Merry Christmas, folks.
306
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,667
Yeah, yeah.
God bless us, every one.
307
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,367
KIDS: We want Santa!
308
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,534
Uh-oh.
309
00:13:30,534 --> 00:13:32,133
What's wrong now?
310
00:13:32,133 --> 00:13:35,868
Did the Easter Bunny
hang himself in my front yard?
311
00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:38,400
Uh, no.
There's kids out there.
312
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,000
This might have
a bad effect on them,
313
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,200
this being Christmas
314
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,634
and Santa here looking
like tree sap and all.
315
00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:45,767
We can't take him out there now.
316
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:47,434
Swing him back over that way,
boys. Come on.
317
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:49,067
[BELLS JINGLING]
318
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,567
Oh, my God.
319
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:53,234
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
320
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:55,567
It's okay, Marcie.
Come on.
321
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,067
I'll take you home.
322
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,234
Yes, home,
323
00:13:58,234 --> 00:13:59,734
where Perry Como sings
324
00:13:59,734 --> 00:14:02,667
and Santa's still alive.
325
00:14:03,434 --> 00:14:04,968
Is Santa okay?
326
00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:06,234
We heard he landed
in your yard.
327
00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:07,400
Yeah!
Yeah!
328
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,067
Oh, yes. He's fine.
329
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:13,100
He's a fat, jolly man,
and he'll never leave us.
330
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:16,400
As long as there's
a Christmas, there'll be...
331
00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:21,100
Killers!
332
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,000
I'm going
to take Marcie upstairs
333
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,400
and lay her down.
334
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,801
Put her on our bed.
335
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:28,434
Steve, I'm afraid.
336
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,534
I'll lay down newspaper.
337
00:14:31,534 --> 00:14:35,000
Hey, this bag o' Santa's
getting pretty heavy over here.
338
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,501
Oh, just put him
over by the presents.
339
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,901
There's plenty of room there.
340
00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:42,901
You know, no matter how many
bodies I handle,
341
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:44,901
Christmas corpses
always get me down.
342
00:14:44,901 --> 00:14:46,534
Well, that's it.
343
00:14:46,534 --> 00:14:48,367
Now, listen. We're trying
to have a holiday here.
344
00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:50,234
So why don't you get out of here
345
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:52,000
and take the spirit of Christmas
with you?
346
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,367
Hey, I'd love to, Mr. Grinch,
347
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:56,767
but I'm not taking him out there
with those kids out there.
348
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:59,167
Al, get rid of those kids.
349
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:02,033
If I knew how to do that,
we wouldn't have ours.
350
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:05,400
Okay, everybody.
351
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:06,934
Uh... Boys and girls,
352
00:15:06,934 --> 00:15:09,968
uh, and you, Tony...
353
00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:12,067
Uh, Santa's okay.
354
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:16,100
Now, he just had a little bit
of Mrs. Bundy's cooking,
355
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,200
and he's in the bathroom,
bent over,
356
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,968
but he's going
to be fine.
357
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:22,467
So... Go home.
358
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:24,634
ALL: We want to see him!
359
00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:25,868
No!
360
00:15:30,501 --> 00:15:32,267
I'm rolling him out
right now.
361
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:33,534
Al, they're children.
362
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:35,767
This will grow them up.
363
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,000
Sorry, Bundy.
Can't let you do that.
364
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,400
For the sake
of their mental health,
365
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,267
that body's not going anywhere
till those kids have left.
366
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:44,767
You know, pizza,
it always reminds me
367
00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:46,701
of my first day
on the job.
368
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:55,667
Al, you know
what you have to do.
369
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:58,567
ALL: We want Santa!
370
00:15:58,567 --> 00:16:00,400
Come on, Santa!
371
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,701
Ho ho ho.
372
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,701
Hi, everybody.
373
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:06,667
Yay, Santa!
374
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:08,133
Thank you. Thank you.
375
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,300
I'm fine.
376
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,300
I landed on my belly.
377
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:12,968
Ho ho ho.
378
00:16:12,968 --> 00:16:15,467
Merry Christmas,
each and every one.
379
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:16,634
And remember,
380
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:19,334
I know
when you've been sleeping.
381
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:21,968
I know
when you're awake.
382
00:16:21,968 --> 00:16:24,968
You, Joey, I know it was you
who lit that bag of doody
383
00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:27,567
and put it
on the Bundy porch,
384
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:30,467
so you're out of luck
this Christmas.
385
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:33,667
But the rest of you
will get plenty,
386
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,167
and remember, Santa's not
at the Lakeside Mall.
387
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:39,033
Santa hates the Lakeside Mall.
388
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:41,000
Go on home now
and torture your parents.
389
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,067
Ho ho ho.
390
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,234
But what did
you bring us?
391
00:16:44,234 --> 00:16:47,100
Uh, noth--
392
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,567
Nothing yet.
393
00:16:48,567 --> 00:16:50,767
That's why I got to get
back to the North Pole
394
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:52,601
with Dancer and Prancer
395
00:16:52,601 --> 00:16:56,934
and, uh...
Donald and Goofy.
396
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:58,934
But we haven't told you
what we want.
397
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,467
Santa knows.
398
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:03,968
Then what do I want?
399
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:05,701
I don't know.
What do you want?
400
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:07,767
I want to sit
on your lap.
401
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:10,367
Uh, all right,
but make it fast.
402
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:12,601
Santa has hemorrhoids.
403
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,467
Um... What do you want?
404
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:19,033
I want to know why you came
to Old Man Bundy's house.
405
00:17:19,033 --> 00:17:21,200
Oh, well, I came to bring him
special presents
406
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,200
because he sells women's shoes
407
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:27,701
and is cursed with a foul wife
and has ungrateful kids,
408
00:17:27,701 --> 00:17:29,734
but still, he goes on.
409
00:17:29,734 --> 00:17:32,234
But he's a butthead.
410
00:17:34,834 --> 00:17:37,000
No, he's not.
411
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,334
He's the nicest man
on the block.
412
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:41,200
Boy, you must be Santa.
413
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,400
I told you I was.
What do you want?
414
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,167
I want a real live horse.
415
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:46,334
Hmm.
416
00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:47,868
Your mom's the one
417
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,467
who makes pies
for everyone in the neighborhood
418
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:53,701
but those nice Bundys,
isn't she?
419
00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:54,868
All right, well,
420
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,567
Santa will leave you a horse
tonight
421
00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:57,901
under your tree,
422
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,501
but if it's not there
in the morning,
423
00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:01,501
it's because your mommy
chased it away
424
00:18:01,501 --> 00:18:03,167
and killed it.
425
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:06,801
Next.
426
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,734
Aah!
427
00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:14,534
Ah, don't jump on Santa's lap
too hard, little girl.
428
00:18:14,534 --> 00:18:16,667
Mrs. Claus won't like that.
429
00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:20,801
No, no, Nestor,
430
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:22,234
despite what
your mom says,
431
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:26,467
Mr. Bundy doesn't really sprout
a tail at midnight,
432
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:29,133
but here's a special
Christmas gift for Daddy.
433
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:31,534
Tell him to come home
for lunch some day
434
00:18:31,534 --> 00:18:33,868
around when
Mr. Mailman's there
435
00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:36,634
with a special delivery
for Mommy.
436
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:40,667
That'll be a real
yuletide treat for old Dad.
437
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,934
But what do I get?
438
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:45,601
A new home
and a fresh new mommy.
439
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:47,534
Ho ho ho.
440
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:50,067
Well, old Santa's
got to hit the road,
441
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,300
but I'm going to go in
442
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,934
and say goodbye
to my favorite family,
443
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:54,000
the Bundys.
444
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,367
Be nice to them,
445
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,868
or you won't get
Christmas gifts next year.
446
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,334
KID: Santa smells
like beer!
447
00:19:01,334 --> 00:19:03,534
Catch me in five minutes,
I'll smell like hard liquor.
448
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:04,534
Ho ho ho.
449
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:06,534
On, Dondi.
450
00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:07,634
On, Dumbo.
451
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:09,901
Hi-ho, Silver. Away!
452
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:11,934
Yay, Santa!
453
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,100
Well, they're gone.
454
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:20,067
All dead guys
and non-relatives, out.
455
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,868
So long, Kel.
456
00:19:21,868 --> 00:19:24,033
Yeah, like they really
intended to have you.
457
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:27,334
Now, kids.
We wanted both of you.
458
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,167
It was your father
I didn't plan on.
459
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:32,834
I'm feeling
a little better now.
460
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:35,767
Oh, no! He was
better off dead.
461
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:36,868
Ho ho ho.
462
00:19:36,868 --> 00:19:37,901
[DOORBELL RINGS]
463
00:19:37,901 --> 00:19:39,267
Oh, great.
464
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,968
It's probably an elf
with a knife in his back.
465
00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:45,033
Hi.
466
00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:46,434
Is this the house
467
00:19:46,434 --> 00:19:48,300
Where the, uh...
Yuletide incident occurred?
468
00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:49,400
What's it to you?
469
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,968
Well, I'm from
the Lakeside Mall,
470
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:52,567
and I just wanted to offer
our apologies
471
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,601
for any inconvenience
this may have caused you.
472
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:57,133
Hey, no problem.
No inconvenience.
473
00:19:57,133 --> 00:19:58,501
You just took
all my business,
474
00:19:58,501 --> 00:19:59,567
cost me my bonus,
475
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,167
made my family hate me.
476
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:02,968
That's right.
477
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,601
And on top of all that,
478
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:06,501
you slam-dunked Santa
into my backyard
479
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:08,734
and almost ruined Christmas for
every kid in the neighborhood.
480
00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:09,934
Almost?
481
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:12,901
Well, you see,
my husband dressed up as Santa
482
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,234
so the kids would know
he was okay.
483
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:17,367
By the way,
love your mall.
484
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,701
We've got it all.
485
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:22,767
So, no one around here
knows what really happened, huh?
486
00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:25,367
Nope. Thanks to me.
487
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:27,067
Hey, that ought to be
worth something, huh?
488
00:20:27,067 --> 00:20:29,968
Not anymore.
489
00:20:29,968 --> 00:20:33,267
I mean, if the kids think
Santa's okay, Santa's okay,
490
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:34,467
so why should I bribe you
491
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,734
to say something
you've already said?
492
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:37,767
It would be stupid,
493
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:39,367
kind of like
paying that dead guy
494
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:42,701
for disappointing a whole
parking lot full of kids.
495
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:45,067
I'm saving money
right and left here.
496
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:48,667
It's the best Christmas
I've ever had.
497
00:20:48,667 --> 00:20:50,734
Well, that
about wraps it up here.
498
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,067
Roll him out, boys.
499
00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:54,234
You know, Bundy,
you're a decent guy,
500
00:20:54,234 --> 00:20:56,734
so here's a little tip
from me to you.
501
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:59,334
Don't die
with your jewelry on, huh?
502
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:06,200
Well, Al,
look at it this way.
503
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,868
You did a nice thing,
504
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:11,167
cost us a nice bribe
and a shot at a happy Christmas.
505
00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:12,601
Thank your father, kids.
506
00:21:12,601 --> 00:21:14,467
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
507
00:21:14,467 --> 00:21:17,300
Yeah, I know I let
everybody down.
508
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,901
It's okay, Dad.
509
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,133
It's not like this
never happened before.
510
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:22,167
Yeah.
511
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:24,200
I mean, the Santa corpse
was a new twist,
512
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,534
but heck, it's something
to tell a psychiatrist
513
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:28,000
later on in life.
514
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,033
Yes, it's a Bundy Christmas...
515
00:21:31,033 --> 00:21:34,033
And unfortunately,
we're Bundys.
516
00:21:34,033 --> 00:21:35,100
[CLUNK]
517
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:36,400
What's that?
518
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,434
I don't know, but if it's dead
and has a red nose,
519
00:21:38,434 --> 00:21:39,901
we'll throw it
in Steve and Marcie's yard.
520
00:21:46,601 --> 00:21:47,868
What is it, Al?
521
00:21:47,868 --> 00:21:49,701
I don't know. It looks
like it fell off the roof.
522
00:21:49,701 --> 00:21:50,934
Hey, look!
523
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:52,901
It's $10 certificates
from the Lakeside Mall.
524
00:21:52,901 --> 00:21:54,100
Hundreds
of them!
525
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,300
It must have been the bag
Santa had when he jumped!
526
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:58,100
Oh, we're rich!
We're rich!
527
00:21:58,100 --> 00:21:59,400
I found it!
528
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,634
Thank your father, kids.
529
00:22:00,634 --> 00:22:01,934
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
530
00:22:01,934 --> 00:22:03,767
Let's go bust the mall.
531
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:07,067
But first,
a moment of silence,
532
00:22:07,067 --> 00:22:11,334
as we owe a lot
to that jolly, flat man.
533
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,367
Okay, let's go!
534
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,067
[KIDS SHRIEKING]
535
00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:20,267
* Although it's been said *
536
00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:23,567
* Many times, many ways *
537
00:22:23,567 --> 00:22:30,200
* Merry Christmas *
538
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:36,434
* To you **
539
00:22:43,033 --> 00:22:45,000
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:07,868
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,234
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,234 --> 00:00:20,434
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,434 --> 00:00:24,801
* Go together like
a horse and carriage *
5
00:00:24,801 --> 00:00:28,734
* This I tell ya, brother *
6
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:33,434
* You can't have one
Without the other *
7
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,634
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:38,801
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:42,734
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:47,033
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:47,033 --> 00:00:51,501
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:56,367
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,367 --> 00:01:00,100
* It's an illusion *
14
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:06,767
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
15
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,634
* To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,634 --> 00:01:10,634
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:20,767
What's the matter, Kel?
18
00:01:20,767 --> 00:01:23,133
Are the contractions
five minutes apart?
19
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:24,801
What's the matter, Bud?
20
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:27,501
Puberty five years away?
21
00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,501
Come on, Kel.
We're blood.
22
00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,501
If you've got a problem,
maybe I can help.
23
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:34,334
Well, Mom and Dad are
at parent/teacher night,
24
00:01:34,334 --> 00:01:35,834
and I'm scared.
25
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:39,601
You know, Mom and Dad
make me sick.
26
00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:42,267
When are they going to
realize you're stupid
27
00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:44,167
and leave you alone?
28
00:01:45,934 --> 00:01:48,934
Yuk it up, malignancy.
29
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,934
No, I've got to
start doing better.
30
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:52,434
I've got this
book report due,
31
00:01:52,434 --> 00:01:54,434
and I haven't even
read the book.
32
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:56,100
It's called
Robinson Crusoe.
33
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:57,634
Oh, I've read that.
34
00:01:57,634 --> 00:01:59,133
I can help you...
35
00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,400
For a small fee,
of course.
36
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:05,634
Okay.
37
00:02:05,634 --> 00:02:09,133
Robinson Crusoe was
marooned on a desert island.
38
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:12,968
The only people there
were him, Friday,
39
00:02:12,968 --> 00:02:18,133
The Professor,
Mary Ann, Ginger...
40
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,667
And the rest.
41
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:20,667
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
42
00:02:20,667 --> 00:02:21,667
Slow down. Slow down.
43
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:22,868
The Professor...
44
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:26,801
Right.
45
00:02:26,801 --> 00:02:28,667
Now, in the
first chapter,
46
00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:31,667
they had to get
around the island.
47
00:02:31,667 --> 00:02:33,167
So Gilligan--
I mean Robinson
48
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,167
and The Professor
built a car
49
00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:36,434
that ran on coconuts.
50
00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:38,334
Oh, cool.
51
00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:44,033
You know,
52
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,434
Robinson always sang
this little song
53
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,934
around the island.
54
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:52,434
You may want to do it
in front of the class.
55
00:02:52,434 --> 00:02:54,934
It shows
you read carefully.
56
00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:57,934
* Just sit right back
And you'll hear a tale *
57
00:02:57,934 --> 00:03:01,100
* A tale
Of a fateful trip *
58
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,100
* That started
From this tropic port *
59
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:06,968
* Aboard
This tiny ship *
60
00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:09,300
* The mate-- *
Now, that's Robinson--
61
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,100
* Was a mighty
Sailing man *
62
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:12,634
* The skipper
Brave and sure *
63
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:14,801
* Five passengers
Set sail that day *
64
00:03:14,801 --> 00:03:16,501
* For a three-hour tour *
65
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:19,300
* A three-hour tour **
66
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,534
Twice?
67
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,601
It's important.
68
00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:27,400
[CAR APPROACHING]
69
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,767
That's Mom and Dad.
70
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:29,968
Come on,
we'll finish this later.
71
00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,567
Tell them that
I'm upstairs
72
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,133
working really hard
on my report.
73
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,601
I'm finally going to get an A!
74
00:03:37,033 --> 00:03:38,767
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
75
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:39,801
Kelly said she's upstairs
76
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:41,934
listening to the radio
and dancing.
77
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,634
Ooh, you two
look pretty mad.
78
00:03:46,634 --> 00:03:47,934
But in Kelly's defense,
79
00:03:47,934 --> 00:03:49,767
wait till after she's turned in
her book report.
80
00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:51,267
We owe her that much.
81
00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:53,801
Kelly is not
the problem, Bud.
82
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:58,133
She has moved up
to a good, solid D.
83
00:03:58,133 --> 00:04:00,133
Now, you're the one
who's in trouble.
84
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:02,634
We went to your school and saw
your social studies report,
85
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:06,801
you know, "Brazil, Land
of Rubber and Sunshine."
86
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,734
Would you care to explain
87
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,801
this picture of your sister
in a bikini?
88
00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:16,834
Well, it illustrates
the easy sex in Brazil.
89
00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:18,934
So how did I do?
90
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,567
Like your father,
in life, you failed.
91
00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,400
Now, Bud,
92
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,968
I want you to go upstairs,
and do not come back down
93
00:04:25,968 --> 00:04:29,334
until you figure out something
else to do with your time
94
00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:30,801
besides torturing
your sister.
95
00:04:30,801 --> 00:04:33,834
Why don't you just ask me
to stop breathing?
96
00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:36,834
It's what I am.
It's what I do.
97
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:38,934
I tell you what, I'll help Kelly
with her homework.
98
00:04:38,934 --> 00:04:40,167
Good boy.
99
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:44,033
[HUMMING
GILLIGAN'S ISLAND THEME]
100
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,634
You know, Al,
101
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:48,234
I think I know
what the problem is.
102
00:04:48,234 --> 00:04:49,634
He just has
too much free time.
103
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:52,133
Now, what can we do
about that?
104
00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:56,601
Well, we could
get him a wife.
105
00:04:56,601 --> 00:04:58,801
I meant
like a hobby--
106
00:04:58,801 --> 00:05:00,300
you know,
a father/son thing,
107
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,801
something he could
learn from you.
108
00:05:02,801 --> 00:05:06,968
Let's see.
You can't teach balding.
109
00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:09,467
He already knows how to go
to the bathroom,
110
00:05:09,467 --> 00:05:11,934
and he's too young
to drink.
111
00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:14,000
Gee, Peg, if you
wanted a hug,
112
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,868
why didn't you
just ask for one?
113
00:05:15,868 --> 00:05:18,667
[DOORBELL RINGS]
114
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:21,667
It's us,
Steve and Marcie.
115
00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:23,200
Hurry!
It's important.
116
00:05:32,367 --> 00:05:34,868
Excuse me, sir.
Do you know these people?
117
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:37,367
No.
118
00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:38,367
Al!
119
00:05:38,367 --> 00:05:39,434
Please.
120
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:41,901
We picked them up
for soliciting
121
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:43,400
at Joe's
cocktail lounge.
122
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,901
I told you, officer,
123
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:46,834
we were
just role-playing
124
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,834
to spice up
our marriage.
125
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:51,767
We lost our ID when we
were running from you.
126
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:54,501
It's all a big mistake.
Tell him who we are, Al.
127
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:58,534
Yeah, it's the neighbors--
the hooker and the sailor.
128
00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:01,033
I see.
129
00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:04,033
Just a little
yuppie game play, huh?
130
00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:08,534
Well, let me tell you
something about police.
131
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,534
We don't like it
when you jerk us around.
132
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:13,534
I could be out there
scaring kids
133
00:06:13,534 --> 00:06:16,033
or driving
with the siren on.
134
00:06:16,033 --> 00:06:19,534
So next time you want to put
some fun in your marriage,
135
00:06:19,534 --> 00:06:21,968
do what me and my wife do--
136
00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:23,501
cheat on each other.
137
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:27,767
Oh, Marcie,
that's a nice outfit.
138
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,267
Can I borrow it?
139
00:06:29,267 --> 00:06:31,501
I have a wedding to go to.
140
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:33,734
May I use your phone?
I have to call a locksmith.
141
00:06:33,734 --> 00:06:36,000
I lost our keys
when Steve knocked me over
142
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,868
running from
the squad car.
143
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,200
So, what's new
with you guys?
144
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,634
Well, we were just trying
to figure out a hobby for Bud,
145
00:06:45,634 --> 00:06:47,601
you know, to keep him
out of trouble...
146
00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:49,434
something
he could do with Al.
147
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:50,667
Well, you guys
148
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,434
could come over together
in the morning
149
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:53,834
and steal my paper.
150
00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:56,234
No, my mornings
are for me.
151
00:06:56,234 --> 00:06:58,834
How about flying or polo?
152
00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:00,334
How about collecting
original Picassos?
153
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:01,834
Hell, I make minimum wage.
154
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:04,567
We can start with one
of his bad ones.
155
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:07,133
They'll be over
in an hour.
156
00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:09,734
I'm sure
it will just fly by.
157
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:10,767
You know, a hobby
158
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:11,934
doesn't have
to be expensive.
159
00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:13,334
As a kid, I collected
baseball cards.
160
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:14,467
You too?
161
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:16,467
Yeah, I had
some great ones,
162
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,968
but my mother
threw them all out.
163
00:07:18,968 --> 00:07:20,734
Yep. Mine too.
164
00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:21,701
Women.
Women.
165
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,868
Greatest hobby in the world,
and women just don't get it.
166
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:30,601
No, Al, what I just
don't get is sex.
167
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:33,100
That's going to be
Bud's new hobby.
168
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:34,667
Sex?
169
00:07:34,667 --> 00:07:36,167
No, baseball cards.
170
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,934
Bud, come down here.
171
00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:40,934
Why don't you find Bud
something more cultural
172
00:07:40,934 --> 00:07:42,434
and intellectually
stimulating?
173
00:07:42,434 --> 00:07:43,934
Marcie, they're men.
174
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:45,934
To them, something
intellectually stimulating
175
00:07:45,934 --> 00:07:48,868
is comparing
today's Elmer Fudd
176
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:50,868
with the original,
fatter Fudd.
177
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:55,968
Hey, he has lost weight,
hasn't he, Steve?
178
00:07:57,634 --> 00:08:00,033
It's like a totally
different Fudd, Al.
179
00:08:00,033 --> 00:08:02,968
Let's get some coffee,
Marce.
180
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:05,200
What's up, Dad?
181
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,300
Bud, I want to talk to you
about your new hobby.
182
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:09,968
What's my new hobby, Dad?
183
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:11,467
Collecting
baseball cards.
184
00:08:11,467 --> 00:08:14,467
How long have I had
this new hobby, Dad?
185
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:15,968
About two
minutes, son.
186
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:17,334
Do I like it?
187
00:08:18,868 --> 00:08:20,167
But you know
something, Bud?
188
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,434
The players today
are kind of boring.
189
00:08:22,434 --> 00:08:25,434
When Al and I were young,
they were great.
190
00:08:25,434 --> 00:08:27,601
Yeah, and see, that's what
you're going to do, Bud.
191
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:28,968
You're going to
collect cards
192
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:30,534
from when we and Steve
were kids.
193
00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:32,100
You are going
to collect
194
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:37,334
the all-time greatest
Cub team ever.
195
00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:39,200
Oh, man.
196
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:45,501
Look at them over there.
Men are such idiots,
197
00:08:45,501 --> 00:08:49,367
and I married
their king.
198
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:51,000
Baseball cards.
199
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,968
I mean, what is
the big deal, anyway?
200
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:55,534
It's just a bunch of guys
holding their bats.
201
00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:57,000
They ought to show
pictures of them
202
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,334
the way they really are--
203
00:08:58,334 --> 00:09:00,667
Grabbing their privates,
spitting,
204
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,501
and patting
each other on the butt
205
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:03,801
for "good luck."
206
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,200
I hate baseball.
207
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,234
All the boys at school
loved baseball.
208
00:09:11,234 --> 00:09:13,234
I can still
hear them talking--
209
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:14,734
"Baseball,
baseball, baseball.
210
00:09:14,734 --> 00:09:17,234
"Gee, there's Marcie.
Let's throw a rock at her.
211
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:18,734
Baseball,
baseball, baseball."
212
00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:20,234
I hate men.
213
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:21,734
They're stupid,
ignorant animals
214
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:23,467
with stupid,
ignorant hobbies.
215
00:09:23,467 --> 00:09:24,968
They hated me...
216
00:09:24,968 --> 00:09:26,968
but I didn't
need them.
217
00:09:26,968 --> 00:09:28,334
I had Barbie.
218
00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:35,834
And I had a very special
bathtub toy.
219
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,701
Who's Barbie?
220
00:09:41,701 --> 00:09:43,534
Who's Barbie?
221
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:46,133
America's favorite
teenage fashion model,
222
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:47,534
that's who.
223
00:09:47,534 --> 00:09:49,834
Oh, you mean
a Barbie doll.
224
00:09:49,834 --> 00:09:51,834
Yeah, I had one of those.
225
00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:54,334
I gave it
to my boyfriend Keith
226
00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:56,834
as a symbol
of our love.
227
00:09:56,834 --> 00:09:59,167
He was gay
as a debutante, you know?
228
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,267
I still have
my Barbie.
229
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,000
She's been wrapped up
safe and sound
230
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,567
in her original box
for 20 years now,
231
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:06,868
just waiting for the day
232
00:10:06,868 --> 00:10:08,901
when I can pass her on
to my little girl.
233
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,267
Kelly had a bunch
of that Barbie stuff,
234
00:10:11,267 --> 00:10:13,267
but to tell you the truth,
I never understood
235
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:14,801
the fascination
with Barbie.
236
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:17,367
But I could sure
strip Ken with my teeth.
237
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:23,634
Yes, I'm sure.
238
00:10:23,634 --> 00:10:25,367
But I loved Barbie.
239
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:26,868
It was a way to escape.
240
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:29,868
The whole idea was for
Barbie to live the life
241
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:31,234
you wanted
for yourself.
242
00:10:38,934 --> 00:10:41,434
You know,
this really is fun.
243
00:10:41,434 --> 00:10:43,033
Hey, is there
such a thing
244
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,434
as an old,
rich Ken doll
245
00:10:44,434 --> 00:10:47,067
that's about
to kick the bucket?
246
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:50,567
That way my Barbie wouldn't
have to hide these Kens
247
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,901
at 5:00
248
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,634
when the Al doll comes
home from the shoe store.
249
00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:57,634
Barbie was meant to be
dressed beautifully
250
00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:59,133
and properly
accessorized,
251
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:00,567
not to be lying around
252
00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:02,901
rubbed by a bunch
of horny Kens.
253
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,067
Well, you've got
your accessories,
254
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:10,501
and I've got mine.
255
00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:11,834
Hey, let's go downstairs
256
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:14,501
and see what else of Kelly's
we can play with.
257
00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:15,601
Okay.
258
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:17,501
And after we disinfect
your Barbie dream house,
259
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:19,000
I'll get out my Barbie.
260
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,868
I hope your Kens
can handle it.
261
00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:23,934
I can't believe it.
262
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,868
Those old cards
are really expensive,
263
00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:27,701
but I sold everything
I could...
264
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:29,868
but we got seven
of the nine all-time Cubs.
265
00:11:29,868 --> 00:11:31,868
What a great
store, huh?
266
00:11:31,868 --> 00:11:33,367
And a great
afternoon.
267
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:35,601
Think we should have
taken Bud with us?
268
00:11:35,601 --> 00:11:38,200
Why? He'd only
get in the way.
269
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,734
Yeah, you're right.
270
00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:43,701
Now, all he needs is
Ken Hubbs and Ernie Banks,
271
00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:45,200
and they're
pretty expensive.
272
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,200
Great move, you selling
your wife's old doll.
273
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,200
What, the old Barbie
in the basement?
274
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,601
She'll never even
miss it.
275
00:11:56,901 --> 00:11:58,734
Bud, here's
the crowning jewel
276
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:00,234
of your collection.
277
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:01,501
I just got it.
278
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:02,701
Don't touch it!
279
00:12:02,701 --> 00:12:05,067
Now, all you need
is Ernie Banks.
280
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,067
I'm proud
of you, son.
281
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:10,000
Well, I'm proud
of you too, Dad.
282
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,033
You men
are such children.
283
00:12:12,033 --> 00:12:15,567
Now, where's
Barbie's pumps?
284
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:18,868
I guess I'm the man
of the house now, eh, folks?
285
00:12:20,968 --> 00:12:24,634
Bud, I am going
to kill you.
286
00:12:24,634 --> 00:12:27,033
Oh, yeah, today
was book report day.
287
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:30,601
How'd you do, Kel?
288
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:32,133
How did I do?
289
00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:35,067
I had a meeting
with the principal,
290
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,567
a three-hour meeting.
291
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,234
A three-hour
meeting.
292
00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:46,467
You see, Bud,
you innocently mixed up
293
00:12:46,467 --> 00:12:49,467
Robinson Crusoe
and Gilligan's Island.
294
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:50,968
I told them that,
295
00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:53,467
but the principal
didn't believe me.
296
00:12:53,467 --> 00:12:54,868
He just said,
297
00:12:54,868 --> 00:12:57,467
"Even you, Miss Bundy,
are not that stupid."
298
00:12:58,634 --> 00:13:02,968
But he was wrong,
wasn't he, Kel?
299
00:13:02,968 --> 00:13:05,634
Well, to make
a long story short,
300
00:13:05,634 --> 00:13:07,133
I'm a laughingstock,
301
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:08,434
you are
going to die,
302
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:11,000
and I'm suspended
until I do a report
303
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,868
on all the work
of some guy named Poe.
304
00:13:12,868 --> 00:13:15,667
You mean like
"The Tell-tale Heart"?
305
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:17,033
Yeah.
306
00:13:17,033 --> 00:13:19,501
You really
know that one?
307
00:13:19,501 --> 00:13:22,534
Well, sure.
It's the one with Cousin Itt.
308
00:13:24,634 --> 00:13:26,133
Really?
309
00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:27,667
Yeah, come on.
310
00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:29,801
I'll tell you
all about it.
311
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:32,767
There really is
a song in this one.
312
00:13:32,767 --> 00:13:37,167
[SINGING THE ADDAMS FAMILY
THEME SONG]
313
00:13:39,033 --> 00:13:41,267
She may not graduate.
You know that, Peg?
314
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,968
Steve, we've been robbed!
315
00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:46,901
They took my Barbie!
316
00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:48,868
Not the one you were saving
to give your daughter.
317
00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:53,133
And it was someone we know.
They went right for her.
318
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,634
Steve, find them.
319
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,834
Find them
and kill them.
320
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:58,534
No, don't kill them.
321
00:13:58,534 --> 00:14:00,033
Bring them to me.
322
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:02,167
I'll kill them.
323
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:03,667
But not at first.
324
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,667
First
I'll take a hammer
325
00:14:05,667 --> 00:14:08,667
and smash their toes,
little to big.
326
00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:13,033
Then, if it was a man--
and I know it was a man--
327
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:17,000
I'll turn
the hammer around.
328
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:21,701
Al...
329
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,901
Steve, get the cops.
330
00:14:25,901 --> 00:14:27,167
Show them this.
331
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,601
I dug up
this picture of her.
332
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:32,734
It was taken the night
of her first date with Ken.
333
00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:35,167
Marcie, why don't you
come upstairs,
334
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:38,167
lie down, and have a good cry
on my bed?
335
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:42,067
God knows,
it's used to tears.
336
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:44,667
Both sides, Peg.
337
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,200
I'm in big trouble, Al.
338
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,534
She'll never know
it was you.
339
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:54,667
Steve,
they left a clue.
340
00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:56,167
I found a hair.
341
00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:58,167
It's just like
a fingerprint.
342
00:14:58,167 --> 00:14:59,667
No two are alike.
343
00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:01,167
We'll find him.
344
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:02,667
We'll find him.
345
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:03,834
Oh, yeah.
346
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:09,534
I got to get
that doll back, Al.
347
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,534
I'm going to call the guy
we sold it to.
348
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:15,067
Remember, Kel--
"Quoth the raven...
349
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,501
You rang?"
350
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,667
Dad, you know, I haven't given
this baseball card thing
351
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:23,133
a fair chance,
352
00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:25,534
so I'll have my friend Teddy
come over and check it out.
353
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:27,033
Go ahead, Bud.
That's what they're here for.
354
00:15:29,501 --> 00:15:31,834
Like hell.
Get your own hobby.
355
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:32,934
Al,
356
00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:35,067
The store was robbed.
357
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,033
Barbie's gone,
and I'm a dead man.
358
00:15:38,033 --> 00:15:39,267
Oh, well.
359
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:41,267
Here's a question
for you--
360
00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:45,534
In 1966, which Cub
had a 28-game hitting streak?
361
00:15:45,534 --> 00:15:46,968
Al, don't you understand?
362
00:15:46,968 --> 00:15:49,968
If I don't get
Marcie's doll back, I--
363
00:15:49,968 --> 00:15:51,300
28 games?
364
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,467
'66?
365
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:53,634
Billy Williams.
366
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:54,868
Ron Santo.
367
00:15:54,868 --> 00:15:57,667
I was going to say
Ron Santo! Damn!
368
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,234
Anyhow,
369
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:01,467
the way I figure it,
370
00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:02,968
somebody
from the neighborhood
371
00:16:02,968 --> 00:16:04,467
broke into that store,
372
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:08,467
which means that Barbie is
probably still in the area.
373
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:09,534
Steve, you're not telling me
374
00:16:09,534 --> 00:16:10,667
that we're going to
comb the streets
375
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:11,801
looking for a stupid
Barbie doll?
376
00:16:20,701 --> 00:16:23,200
[***]
377
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:18,267
Well, some of
my teeth are loose,
378
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:19,968
but we got her.
379
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,667
Oh, Steve.
380
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,567
That's not my Barbie.
381
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:29,367
My Barbie has a little
crescent-shaped cut
382
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:30,868
on heel
of her left foot.
383
00:18:30,868 --> 00:18:34,367
She got it jogging
on the beach with Ken.
384
00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:36,167
You don't love me!
385
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:43,868
Al, those motorcycle
guys hurt me.
386
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:48,033
I know they did.
387
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,234
[***]
388
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:22,601
Steve, you're the most
wonderful husband
389
00:21:22,601 --> 00:21:23,968
in the whole, wide world.
390
00:21:27,567 --> 00:21:28,901
Let's go home.
391
00:21:30,434 --> 00:21:33,601
Marcie, I think
I need a dentist.
392
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,033
I'm seriously hurt here.
393
00:21:35,033 --> 00:21:37,033
Thank God
you're all right.
394
00:21:37,033 --> 00:21:38,200
What say tomorrow
395
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,534
we dress you
in your red linen suit
396
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:42,033
for the busy gal?
397
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:43,534
Speaking of red,
398
00:21:43,534 --> 00:21:45,934
I'm bleeding
internally here.
399
00:21:45,934 --> 00:21:47,300
I'm so glad you're okay.
400
00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:53,234
I don't think they should
have children, Al.
401
00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:57,234
I don't think
anybody should.
402
00:22:01,067 --> 00:22:04,934
Mom, Dad, tomorrow
I'm turning in my report
403
00:22:04,934 --> 00:22:06,567
on Poe's
"The Raven Family,"
404
00:22:06,567 --> 00:22:09,534
featuring Morticia,
Gomez, and Thing,
405
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:12,534
but I've been working
really hard on this,
406
00:22:12,534 --> 00:22:16,767
so let's say that if I get an A,
can I get my own car?
407
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,834
Any kind you want,
sweetheart.
408
00:22:42,167 --> 00:22:44,267
[***]1
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,334
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:21,634
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,634 --> 00:00:25,000
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,167
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:31,067
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:33,601
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,701
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:39,000
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:43,033
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,033 --> 00:00:46,767
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:51,501
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:56,534
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:59,801
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,801 --> 00:01:02,501
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:08,300
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,701
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,801
Uh, Mom, are you going
to make any breakfast today?
18
00:01:20,801 --> 00:01:24,434
Nah, I'm not hungry.
19
00:01:24,434 --> 00:01:27,067
Well, maybe tomorrow.
20
00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:32,267
Hey, did anybody hear
any noises last night?
21
00:01:32,267 --> 00:01:34,901
Well, your father had gas.
22
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:41,968
No. These were noises
I never heard before.
23
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,267
Well, then
it could have been
24
00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:45,200
a girl
moaning your name.
25
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:50,901
AL: Peg! We're out
of toilet paper!
26
00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:54,067
Daddy's up.
27
00:01:57,467 --> 00:02:00,434
Use some tissues.
28
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:03,267
Where are
the tissues?
29
00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:07,934
On the top shelf
of the linen closet.
30
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:09,300
I think.
31
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:13,234
You need anything
while I'm up?
32
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:16,234
Well, Daddy's going
to be in a mood.
33
00:02:16,234 --> 00:02:18,801
Just tell him
I went shopping.
34
00:02:18,801 --> 00:02:20,200
Could you get us some milk?
35
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,734
[LAUGHS]
36
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:27,567
Did you hear any
noises last night, Kel?
37
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:28,868
I mean, for a while,
38
00:02:28,868 --> 00:02:30,801
I thought they were
coming from your room,
39
00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:33,400
but they weren't
the usual noises.
40
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,534
You know, the whispers,
41
00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:38,100
"Quiet. You'll wake up
my parents."
42
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:39,567
Then the muffled sound
of eight footsteps
43
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,667
heading for the window.
44
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:42,901
Then the sound
of loose change
45
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,734
hitting the pillow.
46
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:47,934
You know, Bud,
47
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,868
with your good looks, I think
that you should be a model.
48
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:54,100
I mean, I could see it now,
your little face on a poster
49
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,300
with the caption,
50
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,634
"My daddy didn't use a condom."
51
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:10,267
You know, I had a horrible dream
last night.
52
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,934
There was this big mosquito
53
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:17,901
with a huge red head
and tight pants...
54
00:03:17,901 --> 00:03:19,267
Hovering over me,
55
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:22,200
sucking money
from my wallet.
56
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,801
Then it wanted a kiss.
57
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:29,434
By the way,
where is your mother?
58
00:03:29,434 --> 00:03:32,234
Uh, she went
shopping.
59
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:34,667
The garage or basement?
60
00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,801
Basement.
61
00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:38,234
Did you hear any noises
last night?
62
00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:41,100
It might have been me sobbing,
son.
63
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:43,334
Aah!
64
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:44,834
Aah!
65
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:47,434
Oh! Oh! Aah!
66
00:03:47,434 --> 00:03:49,434
Aw, jeez. What?
67
00:03:49,434 --> 00:03:51,834
Oh, Al, it was horrible.
It was terrible.
68
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:53,734
I've never been so scared
in my entire life.
69
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,567
What's the matter?
You see the vacuum?
70
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:00,501
No.
71
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,400
Al, it was a mouse.
72
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,934
Oh, great. This was all
our life was missing.
73
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:06,033
Kill it, Al.
74
00:04:06,033 --> 00:04:07,033
Well, don't worry.
75
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:08,634
As soon as it sees
how we live,
76
00:04:08,634 --> 00:04:10,701
it'll go away.
77
00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:13,000
I know I would.
78
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,033
No, Al, you've got
to kill it.
79
00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:16,601
It was so
disgusting.
80
00:04:16,601 --> 00:04:17,634
Oh, hold me.
81
00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:19,734
Oh, why?
82
00:04:19,734 --> 00:04:21,534
I didn't do
anything wrong.
83
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:26,934
Why are you so afraid
of a little mouse, anyway?
84
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:31,167
Well, it all started
when I was five.
85
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:32,701
You see,
86
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:35,934
I found this little stray
Chihuahua puppy in the yard.
87
00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:39,234
I snuck it past mother
and I kept it in my room.
88
00:04:39,234 --> 00:04:42,701
I slept with it and snuggled it
and kissed it,
89
00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:44,434
and then one day, it got sick.
90
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:48,300
And still, you go on
kissing others.
91
00:04:53,033 --> 00:04:56,067
Anyway, I took it
to my kindergarten teacher,
92
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,634
and I said,
"What's wrong with my dog?"
93
00:04:58,634 --> 00:05:00,701
She said,
"That's not a dog, dear.
94
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,033
It's a mouse."
95
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,400
And then she threw up.
96
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,834
And then all the kids
threw up.
97
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:12,501
And then, they made up
this little song about me.
98
00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:14,501
* Mouse in your face
Worms in your hair *
99
00:05:14,501 --> 00:05:16,033
* Where's the little
Mouse girl? *
100
00:05:16,033 --> 00:05:18,367
* There, there, there **
101
00:05:21,534 --> 00:05:23,033
[SNORTING]
102
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:28,934
Well, that's sweet.
Thank you very much.
103
00:05:28,934 --> 00:05:31,767
Well, kids, I think we
learned something today.
104
00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:33,767
Don't touch your mother.
She has cooties.
105
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,968
Al, call an exterminator.
106
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:47,234
Great. $50 for someone
to kill some stupid mouse?
107
00:05:47,234 --> 00:05:48,634
I'll take care of it after work.
108
00:05:48,634 --> 00:05:50,334
I don't know
what the big deal is.
109
00:05:50,334 --> 00:05:52,601
I mean, what harm
can one little mouse do?
110
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,200
Well, that takes care
of that.
111
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,234
The traps are set.
112
00:06:04,234 --> 00:06:07,100
That mouse has seconds to live.
113
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:12,000
So as usual, it proves
that Daddy's life is dirt,
114
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,834
and, uh, he's defeated
the enemy.
115
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:16,968
Don't be too sure, Dad.
116
00:06:16,968 --> 00:06:18,200
It says right here
117
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,200
that mice
are pretty intelligent.
118
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:20,868
Yeah, right.
119
00:06:20,868 --> 00:06:24,234
Look, Bud, a mouse has a brain
about this big.
120
00:06:24,234 --> 00:06:27,367
Mine's at least
twice that size.
121
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,367
Yeah, but if you
only use it half as much,
122
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,501
it becomes
a fair fight again.
123
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,167
Dad, you cannot be serious.
124
00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:39,167
A mousetrap in my room?
125
00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:42,501
The guys under the bed
object, Kel?
126
00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:44,000
Dad, it's a humiliation.
127
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,834
I mean, what are my friends
going to think
128
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:47,934
when they come over and see
mousetraps all over the place?
129
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:50,267
Well, they'll think that,
unlike Mr. Bundy,
130
00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,934
the mouse gets to eat
before he dies.
131
00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:55,868
Mom, how long are we going
to have to live with this mouse?
132
00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:58,400
Well, your father's
taking care of it.
133
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,400
Oh, great. Might as well
build him a room.
134
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,067
Does anybody but me
think it's strange
135
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:06,400
that with the three of you here,
it's the mouse I'm after?
136
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,601
Ah, look. I'm going bowling.
137
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:10,100
Oh, no, you're not.
138
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:12,601
You are not leaving
this family alone
139
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:15,801
until either you
or that mouse is dead.
140
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:18,300
Wow, what a horse race.
141
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:20,767
[MOUSETRAP SNAPS]
142
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,234
He's done.
143
00:07:29,634 --> 00:07:31,167
What?
144
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:33,667
Why doesn't somebody
check the trap?
145
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:36,767
Well, I can't.
It's just too disgusting.
146
00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:38,000
Oh, come on.
147
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,968
You used to sleep
with one.
148
00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:45,067
Well, I sleep
with you too,
149
00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:47,000
but you don't see me
cleaning up after you,
150
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,033
do you?
151
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:49,367
This is great.
152
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,567
"Daddy, I need money."
"Daddy, I need food."
153
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:52,834
"Daddy, we need somebody
154
00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:55,000
to clean up a mouse
with a broken neck."
155
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,501
Just once
I'd like to hear,
156
00:07:57,501 --> 00:07:59,567
"Al, I'm out of here
and I'm taking the kids."
157
00:08:03,501 --> 00:08:07,501
But on the good side,
life is half over.
158
00:08:09,634 --> 00:08:12,467
Kids, I am sorry
to make such a big fuss
159
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:14,133
over such a little thing
like a mouse,
160
00:08:14,133 --> 00:08:15,400
but you know,
161
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:16,834
there are just some things
from childhood
162
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:18,334
you just can't forget.
163
00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:20,868
I hope that
isn't true, Mom.
164
00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:23,934
Now, how about
a hug?
165
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:25,701
Can't, Mom.
You've got cooties.
166
00:08:31,734 --> 00:08:33,467
Is he down there?
Did you get him?
167
00:08:33,467 --> 00:08:34,834
What happened, Al?
168
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:38,801
He doodied on the trap.
169
00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:41,567
And in my bowling shoes.
170
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:43,067
Oh, my God.
171
00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:46,934
He was in your shoes
and he lived?
172
00:08:49,234 --> 00:08:52,367
This is no ordinary mouse.
173
00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:54,367
Can we call
the exterminator now?
174
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,000
No, no. It's personal now.
175
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,400
Not only
will I kill this mouse,
176
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,901
I'll torture it.
177
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:07,501
I'll smack him around.
178
00:09:07,501 --> 00:09:10,000
I'll throw it against the wall,
179
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,300
and if
there's one spark of life left
180
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,434
in its twitching little body,
181
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,667
I'll strap it to a chair,
tape its eyelids open,
182
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:18,834
and make it watch
Thirtysomething.
183
00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:28,801
No one doodies
in Al Bundy's shoes
184
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,334
and lives!
185
00:09:47,601 --> 00:09:49,267
I'm worried
about Daddy.
186
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:51,934
Shh!
187
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:54,467
Mom, even if the mouse
is stupid enough
188
00:09:54,467 --> 00:09:56,467
to stick his head out
for the cheese,
189
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:59,467
won't Dad smash his hand
with the hammer?
190
00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:00,968
Yes, Bud, he will.
191
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:04,934
But you know, everyone
who watches Roadrunner cartoons
192
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:07,000
knows the coyote is going
over the cliff,
193
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,400
but you watch it
and laugh anyway.
194
00:10:14,634 --> 00:10:17,534
A-ha!
195
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,534
Aah!
196
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,467
Beep beep!
197
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:34,767
I can hear him
laughing, Peg.
198
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,167
He thinks
he's got me.
199
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:38,367
No, Al.
200
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:41,400
He's laughing because
he knows I've got you.
201
00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:44,901
Well, you know
I have no insurance,
202
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,834
so you must be killing me
for the sport.
203
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,000
Honey, believe me.
204
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,067
Don't you think I wish
you could do things
205
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:55,701
like kill a mouse,
make love, earn a living?
206
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:58,067
But, sweetheart, you can't.
207
00:10:58,067 --> 00:11:01,467
Now, I've learned to live
with poverty and frustration,
208
00:11:01,467 --> 00:11:04,601
but I just have to draw the line
when it comes to rodents.
209
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:07,434
So please call
an exterminator.
210
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,234
Maybe, just maybe,
a professional can succeed
211
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:12,767
where an idiot
has failed.
212
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:15,434
Well, you'd love that,
wouldn't you?
213
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:16,968
You get a pro in here,
214
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,501
catch him
in a couple of seconds,
215
00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:19,968
and leave me standing here
looking stupid.
216
00:11:19,968 --> 00:11:21,400
Yeah, you and the mouse
217
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,234
would really get a chuckle
out of that.
218
00:11:25,234 --> 00:11:26,667
Well, don't count on it,
219
00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:29,033
because I haven't played
all my cards yet.
220
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,400
I went downstairs
221
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,067
and I only pretended
to take up all the traps,
222
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:36,734
but I left one, a big one,
223
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:38,234
with a nice juicy piece
of cheese,
224
00:11:38,234 --> 00:11:40,467
and this one won't go off
with just a little pressure,
225
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,734
giving him
time to escape.
226
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:44,667
No, this one takes
the entire body of a mouse
227
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:45,868
to set it off.
228
00:11:45,868 --> 00:11:47,567
I checked it myself.
229
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:54,200
You know, that's what really
sets you apart, Al.
230
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:58,167
An average Joe
would have used a stick.
231
00:11:58,167 --> 00:11:59,767
Listen!
I hear something!
232
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:00,901
[MOUSETRAP SNAPS]
233
00:12:00,901 --> 00:12:02,334
[DOG YELPS]
234
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,100
You stupid dog!
235
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,133
Al, honey, listen.
236
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:16,834
You tried.
You did your best.
237
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:19,734
But you're just
not smart enough.
238
00:12:19,734 --> 00:12:23,200
Now, please,
call an exterminator.
239
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,000
No one has to know.
240
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,133
You know,
241
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:28,434
we could tell everybody
that you caught it.
242
00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:29,734
How would that be?
243
00:12:29,734 --> 00:12:31,033
Well...
244
00:12:31,033 --> 00:12:32,067
[MOUSE CHEWING]
245
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,601
What is that?
246
00:12:33,601 --> 00:12:35,567
He's chewing.
Al, he's always chewing.
247
00:12:35,567 --> 00:12:37,667
Now, what do you say?
248
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:39,934
BUD: Dad!
249
00:12:39,934 --> 00:12:41,801
Dad, the mouse chewed
through the wires.
250
00:12:43,934 --> 00:12:45,601
What do I say, Peg?
251
00:12:45,601 --> 00:12:47,234
I say stand back,
252
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,834
because I'm kicking
some mouse ass!
253
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:09,367
And $75 for the vet.
254
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,901
Oh, and then
there's the electrician.
255
00:13:10,901 --> 00:13:12,234
They're really
expensive.
256
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:14,667
That's another $200.
257
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:16,033
That comes to...
258
00:13:16,033 --> 00:13:20,534
$680 in damages from one mouse.
259
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:22,901
I'm sorry, Peggy.
260
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:25,267
Why can't men ever
utter the words,
261
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,033
"I don't know how"?
262
00:13:27,033 --> 00:13:31,934
Even on our honeymoon,
Al just would not admit it.
263
00:13:31,934 --> 00:13:34,234
I really thought Steve
would be able to talk Al
264
00:13:34,234 --> 00:13:36,367
into getting an exterminator.
265
00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:41,501
But, just like a man, he says,
"We can do it ourselves."
266
00:13:41,501 --> 00:13:45,000
[AMPLIFIED BREATHING]
267
00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:07,567
Don't go upstairs.
We set off some bombs.
268
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:11,300
Oh, tell Bud I think
his goldfish is dead.
269
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,200
How's my oxygen, Al?
270
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,601
Good. Mine?
271
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,267
Check. Let's hit
the basement.
272
00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:22,000
And they wanted to hire
an exterminator.
273
00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:35,667
Well, at least
yours makes money.
274
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,033
Yes, and yours--
275
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,133
STEVE: It's him!
276
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:47,834
AL: 12:00,
coming hard!
277
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:48,868
Watch him!
Watch him!
278
00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:52,033
Aah!
Aah!
279
00:14:52,033 --> 00:14:54,234
[COUGHING]
280
00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:58,400
What happened?
281
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,400
Steve came up behind me.
I thought he was the mouse.
282
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,334
I shot
from the hip.
283
00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:06,601
I'll tell you this.
284
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,434
If that mouse had been
where Steve's face was,
285
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:10,000
he'd be one dead mouse.
286
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,267
Did we get him?
287
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:13,567
No, buddy,
288
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:15,334
but we took out
the water heater.
289
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:20,901
Steve? Pumpkin?
290
00:15:20,901 --> 00:15:22,801
Who's speaking?
291
00:15:22,801 --> 00:15:25,367
It's Marcie, Steve.
292
00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:28,868
Maybe now you'll tell Al
to hire a professional.
293
00:15:28,868 --> 00:15:31,133
That's just
like you, Marcie.
294
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:32,701
It's like when
we're out driving,
295
00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:35,200
and I know
where I'm going,
296
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,000
and you keep saying,
"Ask someone."
297
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,133
It is so irritating.
298
00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:41,634
By the way, Marcie,
299
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,501
I inhaled a great quantity
of poison.
300
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,501
Don't worry about it, Steve.
301
00:15:46,501 --> 00:15:47,634
It wasn't for nothing.
302
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:49,634
We may not have got him
with a direct hit,
303
00:15:49,634 --> 00:15:50,634
but I'll tell you this.
304
00:15:50,634 --> 00:15:51,868
He'll be dropping soon,
305
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,434
because we cut short
the lifespan
306
00:15:53,434 --> 00:15:55,501
of every living thing
in this house.
307
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,133
[MOUSE FEET TAPPING]
308
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:03,300
That's him!
309
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,067
He's not running
as fast as he used to.
310
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:07,634
Saddle up, Steve.
We're going back in.
311
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,334
Forget it, Al.
The mouse beat you.
312
00:16:10,334 --> 00:16:14,267
Now, you know it, we know it,
and Steve...
313
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:15,834
Well, if he didn't have
toxic poisoning,
314
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,667
he'd know it too.
315
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,234
Now, I am calling
an exterminator.
316
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:21,667
Don't call an exterminator!
317
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,467
Why not?
318
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:25,334
Because we melted
the phone line
319
00:16:25,334 --> 00:16:28,400
when we took out
the water heater.
320
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:32,167
It's okay, Peggy.
You can use my phone.
321
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:34,667
Steve, you don't look
so good.
322
00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:36,501
Honey, come on home,
and I'll lie you down.
323
00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:37,667
Oh ho ho!
324
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:41,200
You'd love that,
wouldn't you?
325
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,467
Well, I can take care
of myself.
326
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:46,000
The feeling's coming
back to my feet,
327
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,300
and I'm seeing
colors again.
328
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,000
So I'm fine.
329
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,033
You go ahead.
330
00:16:51,033 --> 00:16:53,834
I know what I'm doing.
331
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,868
Come on, Peg.
332
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,467
I think I'm dying, Al.
333
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:09,400
Right, but we won't give her
the satisfaction.
334
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,934
We'll pretend
that you're just real sick.
335
00:17:11,934 --> 00:17:14,234
Right, buddy.
336
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,734
But I'll tell you,
337
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,968
we made one hell
of a team down there,
338
00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:19,234
didn't we?
339
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:20,434
No, we didn't, Steve.
340
00:17:20,434 --> 00:17:22,400
We shot each other in the face
with poison
341
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,234
while he danced on the walls.
342
00:17:24,234 --> 00:17:26,234
What became of my life?
343
00:17:26,234 --> 00:17:27,734
I used to win.
344
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:30,000
Sports, fights...
345
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,300
Anything I'd put my mind to,
I'd win.
346
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,467
You know why, Steve?
347
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:37,133
Oh, just tell me, Al.
My innards are rotting.
348
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:38,334
Okay.
349
00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:40,434
It's because no matter
how big the guy was
350
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:41,634
I was up against,
351
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:43,067
I wouldn't quit.
352
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,000
I remember one football game.
353
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,567
We were up against this team
354
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:49,067
that had the biggest linebacker
in the city.
355
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,701
He was like
a building with teeth.
356
00:17:51,701 --> 00:17:54,033
I tried finessing him,
faking him,
357
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:56,300
but he was always there.
358
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:59,000
He was real good,
real, real cocky.
359
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,000
I don't like cocky guys.
360
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,467
Anyhow, towards the end
of the game,
361
00:18:02,467 --> 00:18:04,334
I decided that I was going
to try something
362
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:07,100
that no one else tried before
with this guy.
363
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:09,167
I was going to run right at him.
364
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:10,434
I ran right over him
365
00:18:10,434 --> 00:18:12,834
like a bus
over an ice cream cone.
366
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:16,968
It was the only touchdown
we scored that day,
367
00:18:16,968 --> 00:18:20,067
but I was a winner.
368
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:21,968
You know what becomes
of winners, Steve?
369
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,334
They become
shoe salesmen.
370
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:29,801
They lose to their kids
and their wives...
371
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:33,367
To a mouse.
372
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:35,167
You know something, Al,
373
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:37,968
I think I am going
to go home and lie down.
374
00:18:37,968 --> 00:18:39,234
It's not so much
the poison
375
00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:41,567
as your life
that's making me sick.
376
00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:47,501
You know what the problem is
with this mouse, Steve?
377
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,200
We've been too cute with him.
378
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,334
We've been finessing him,
we've been faking him.
379
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:52,901
He's cocky.
380
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:55,834
I don't like cocky mice.
381
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,200
So this time,
382
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,334
I'm going right at him.
383
00:19:01,334 --> 00:19:03,667
Al?
384
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,367
What are you
doing up there?
385
00:19:15,868 --> 00:19:18,701
I have a date
with a mouse, Peg.
386
00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:24,400
Dad's gone,
isn't he?
387
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,901
Will we be
getting a new dad?
388
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,467
Al?
389
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:31,634
Honey?
390
00:19:31,634 --> 00:19:33,534
I like the mouse.
391
00:19:33,534 --> 00:19:34,868
Really.
392
00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:37,367
Kids, don't we like that mouse?
393
00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:38,868
Oh, yeah.
394
00:19:38,868 --> 00:19:40,501
He's the coolest.
395
00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:43,334
He's the deadest.
396
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,834
Okay, kids.
Now, listen to me carefully.
397
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:50,000
Remember when we used to have
that fire drill
398
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,000
where we would calmly walk
single file to the nearest exit?
399
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,501
Well, this is no drill.
400
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:56,033
Let's just get
the hell out of here!
401
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,701
Say, "Cheese."
402
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,000
Hello!
403
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,734
[GUNSHOTS]
404
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:11,167
Al?
405
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,667
Al?
406
00:20:12,667 --> 00:20:14,167
Are you okay?
407
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:16,167
Call me a doctor, Peg!
408
00:20:16,167 --> 00:20:17,501
Well, what happened?
409
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:20,033
I think I dislocated
my shoulder.
410
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,534
This thing kicks
like a mule.
411
00:20:22,534 --> 00:20:25,033
Oh, by the way,
I missed it,
412
00:20:25,033 --> 00:20:27,567
and we have
no furnace.
413
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:30,100
[DOORBELL RINGS]
414
00:20:31,567 --> 00:20:32,868
Hi, folks.
415
00:20:32,868 --> 00:20:35,367
I'm Wally
from Wally's Pest Control.
416
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:38,534
We hate meeces to pieces.
417
00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:40,367
Yeah, we stole it,
418
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:42,934
but the cartoon characters
can't sue.
419
00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:44,701
You'll never get him.
420
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:45,901
Come on.
421
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:47,634
He's right down here
in the basement.
422
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:48,868
Never.
423
00:20:48,868 --> 00:20:50,133
Not in a million years.
424
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:52,367
This is a mouse
from hell.
425
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:53,834
He'll never
get him, Peg.
426
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:55,200
A little wimp
like that?
427
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,701
The mouse will
have him for dinner.
428
00:20:57,701 --> 00:21:00,167
Well, got him.
429
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:03,100
You didn't get him.
No one could get him!
430
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:05,234
Well, "Nobody" just did.
431
00:21:05,234 --> 00:21:06,667
It was easy.
432
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:09,467
Poor thing was trapped
on a piece of wood
433
00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:11,033
in the rising water down there.
434
00:21:11,033 --> 00:21:13,567
But technically
I got him.
435
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:15,167
I'm the one that
blew up the basement.
436
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:16,200
So I got him, right?
437
00:21:19,334 --> 00:21:20,834
You sure did.
Ha!
438
00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:22,701
Let me see him.
439
00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:26,801
That's him.
440
00:21:26,801 --> 00:21:30,300
You don't look so tough
in there, do you?
441
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:31,567
You know, lots of times,
442
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:34,200
kids get these little white mice
as pets.
443
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,801
Parents won't let them
keep them,
444
00:21:35,801 --> 00:21:38,801
so they just turn them loose
in the streets.
445
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:40,200
Want to see him, Mrs. Bundy?
446
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,400
Oh, no.
Get that away.
447
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,400
Oh, come on, Peg.
He can't hurt you.
448
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,033
You've got to learn
to face your fears.
449
00:21:45,033 --> 00:21:46,634
Now, take a look
at him, just once.
450
00:21:46,634 --> 00:21:47,868
Stop being a girl.
451
00:21:56,467 --> 00:21:58,834
Gee, Al.
You were right.
452
00:21:58,834 --> 00:22:02,334
All these years, I've been
deathly afraid of mice,
453
00:22:02,334 --> 00:22:03,834
and for nothing,
454
00:22:03,834 --> 00:22:05,667
and it took you
to show me that.
455
00:22:05,667 --> 00:22:07,133
Thanks, Al.
456
00:22:07,133 --> 00:22:08,300
Uh-huh.
457
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:10,501
Good night, honey.
458
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:11,868
Good night, Peg.
459
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:16,400
[SQUEAKING]
460
00:22:23,901 --> 00:22:26,501
Isn't that cute, Al?
461
00:22:26,501 --> 00:22:29,033
He's running
on the treadmill.
462
00:22:43,033 --> 00:22:45,534
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,334
* Love and marriage *
2
00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:21,634
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:21,634 --> 00:00:25,000
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
4
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,167
* This I tell ya, brother *
5
00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:31,067
* You can't have one *
6
00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:33,601
* Without the other *
7
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,701
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:39,000
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:43,033
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,033 --> 00:00:46,767
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:51,501
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:56,534
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:59,801
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,801 --> 00:01:02,501
* Try, try, try *
15
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:08,300
* And you will only come
To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,701
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:21,968 --> 00:01:23,901
Gee, you know, I have
this funny feeling
18
00:01:23,901 --> 00:01:25,300
we forgot something.
19
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:27,234
Bud, do you have
that shopping list?
20
00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,567
Let's see.
21
00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:35,367
Bread, milk, juice, eggs,
cereal...
22
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:36,968
That's what we forgot.
23
00:01:36,968 --> 00:01:39,000
We forgot to do
the grocery shopping.
24
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:44,033
Oh, well.
25
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:45,567
Nice jacket, Mom.
26
00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:46,734
Yeah.
27
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:50,033
It was expensive,
but it's Daddy's money.
28
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,200
[CAR DRIVES UP]
29
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,234
Ooh. It's Daddy.
30
00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:08,667
Okay. Who went shopping?
31
00:02:11,534 --> 00:02:12,801
Shopping?
32
00:02:12,801 --> 00:02:14,000
Not us.
33
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,200
We've been here all day.
34
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,367
Where did you get the jacket?
35
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:19,300
Oh, this old thing?
36
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,934
How was your day, honey?
37
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,467
Oh, great.
Only worked half a day.
38
00:02:23,467 --> 00:02:25,868
Stopped to get something to eat.
Whipped out the ol' credit card.
39
00:02:25,868 --> 00:02:27,834
They whipped out
the ol' scissors
40
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,367
and cut it in half.
41
00:02:31,033 --> 00:02:32,534
Over-extended again.
42
00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:36,133
Anyhow, I'm a little late
because I didn't have any cash,
43
00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:37,968
so to pay
for my grilled cheese,
44
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:40,767
I had to unload lobsters
for two hours.
45
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,934
Nice skateboard, Bud.
46
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:45,701
Well, Bud needed
a few things for school.
47
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:49,400
Which class needed a new jacket
for Mommy?
48
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,901
It was just a cheap jacket.
49
00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:53,434
I mean, it hardly cost anything.
50
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:57,767
You're just making a big deal
over nothing.
51
00:02:57,767 --> 00:02:59,200
You know,
I was just out shopping
52
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,734
and I wanted to get
53
00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:02,167
a little something
for everybody.
54
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:03,667
What did you get for me?
55
00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:06,367
Oh, that reminds me.
56
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,133
Here you go, Buck.
57
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:18,834
He is such a good boy.
58
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:21,100
He's a throw rug
that eats.
59
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:28,334
And gets mail! Look at this.
60
00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:34,300
"Buck Bundy, you may have
already won $5 million."
61
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,868
My dog's on a mailing list?
62
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,234
You see, Dad,
63
00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:39,534
sometimes when you order
something in the mail,
64
00:03:39,534 --> 00:03:40,634
your name goes on
a mailing list.
65
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:42,334
Well, what did Buck
send away for?
66
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:44,834
Kelly ordered him
a dog collar.
67
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:47,267
It cost 40 bucks.
68
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,767
Where is Kelly, by the way?
69
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:50,767
Oh, she's out
on a double date,
70
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:52,234
her and two guys.
71
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,200
Don't worry, Dad.
You still got me.
72
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,601
Uh, Bud, what is this?
73
00:04:00,601 --> 00:04:02,901
It looks like a new video game
I'm sitting on?
74
00:04:02,901 --> 00:04:06,400
Well, it wasn't as much
as Mom's coat.
75
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:09,267
Was so.
76
00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:11,467
Oh, yeah? What
about the watch?
77
00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:13,133
Well, what about
the attitude?
78
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:16,868
"Dad'll just have
to sell more shoes"?
79
00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:21,000
You know, when the truck
80
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,868
was taking me
to the lobster warehouse,
81
00:04:22,868 --> 00:04:25,634
I said...
82
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:28,434
I said to Sven, "You think
it's all worth it, buddy?"
83
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:29,701
And Sven said,
84
00:04:29,701 --> 00:04:32,400
"When it's for the family,
it's always worth it."
85
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,501
He also said that
a lobster couldn't pinch
86
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:36,367
through
an athletic supporter.
87
00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:41,300
Sven was 0 for 2 today.
88
00:04:46,234 --> 00:04:49,601
[DOORBELL RINGS]
89
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:52,100
Next time I spend
Daddy's money,
90
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,667
I'm spending it alone.
91
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:54,701
Hi.
92
00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:57,601
This came to our house
by mistake.
93
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,100
It's for you, Al.
94
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,133
It's for me?
95
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,767
Finally,
something for me.
96
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:04,534
Wonder what it is.
97
00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:11,601
Yodelin' Andy's
Train Songs...
98
00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:13,767
Yodelin' Andy's
Yodelin' Songs...
99
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:16,968
Yodelin' Andy
Yodels the Blues...
100
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,300
Best of Yodelin' Andy.
101
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:22,801
Oh, and Yodelin' Andy's bill
for $111.
102
00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,000
Peg?
103
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,334
Not me.
104
00:05:28,334 --> 00:05:29,334
Bud?
105
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:30,534
Yeah, right.
106
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,801
That's all my record collection
was missing.
107
00:05:32,801 --> 00:05:34,300
Now I've got something
108
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,167
to put between my Trini Lopez
and Burl Ives.
109
00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:40,000
It's not Kelly.
Our names are spelled right.
110
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,667
So...
111
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:44,667
So, you didn't order this?
112
00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:47,000
Now, how am I going
to come up with $111?
113
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,767
How am I going to pay $111?
114
00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:51,434
Well, if you didn't have
that grilled cheese sandwich,
115
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:53,634
you could've put it
on your credit card.
116
00:05:53,634 --> 00:05:54,834
If your father
117
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:56,534
didn't lace that lemonade
with vermouth,
118
00:05:56,534 --> 00:05:57,901
I'd be single.
119
00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:03,300
You don't have to pay
for those albums, Al.
120
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:04,767
The law says
121
00:06:04,767 --> 00:06:06,367
that if you get something
you didn't order,
122
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,367
not only
do you not have to pay for it,
123
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:11,367
but you can keep it
and use it.
124
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:14,701
That's how we got that
Facts of Life talking scale.
125
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:17,200
Anyway, Steve's out
gassing up his Mercedes.
126
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:18,701
Then we're going shopping.
127
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:20,267
Want to come, Peg?
128
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:21,634
Oh, Al, can I?
129
00:06:21,634 --> 00:06:23,100
Oh, sure.
130
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,667
And if Sven doesn't need
any more help with the lobsters,
131
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:27,501
maybe I can get a job
in the zoo
132
00:06:27,501 --> 00:06:31,501
circumcising
the Tasmanian devils.
133
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:34,501
Nobody goes shopping
till I get some more money.
134
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:36,501
As a matter of fact,
135
00:06:36,501 --> 00:06:38,601
nobody goes shopping
when I get some money
136
00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:40,501
because I'm going to apply
for more credit cards
137
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,501
in my name only.
138
00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:45,400
Marcie, now, you work at a bank.
139
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,267
You guys give out credit cards,
right?
140
00:06:47,267 --> 00:06:50,133
Uh... No.
141
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:51,601
No, we don't.
142
00:06:53,234 --> 00:06:55,234
Well, you do give out
loans, though.
143
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:57,000
Uh... No.
144
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,767
Not anymore.
145
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,801
You're thinking
of a different kind of bank, Al.
146
00:07:02,801 --> 00:07:05,834
But you're a savings and loan,
aren't you?
147
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,767
Well, yes, we are,
148
00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:09,634
but we just call it that,
you know,
149
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:12,767
to get people to come in.
150
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,767
Oops. I think I hear Steve.
151
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,267
Coming!
152
00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:20,234
Oh, Steve, there you are.
153
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:25,267
We don't need her.
154
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:26,634
We don't need either of them.
155
00:07:26,634 --> 00:07:28,200
Well, actually,
we do need Steve,
156
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,801
because I don't have any gas
and I don't have a credit card,
157
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:33,067
so Bud...
158
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,367
We'll be needing
the siphoning hose.
159
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:35,868
Right, Dad.
160
00:07:37,501 --> 00:07:38,868
Now, Steve's gas
161
00:07:38,868 --> 00:07:40,934
ought to take care of us
till Thursday,
162
00:07:40,934 --> 00:07:44,300
and now, I'm going to take care
of all our credit problems.
163
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:45,501
Well, you know, honey,
164
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:46,901
I don't know
much about these things,
165
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:48,334
but it seems to me
166
00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:52,000
that when they take a buzz saw
to your credit card in public,
167
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,567
it's just their way of saying,
"Get lost, deadbeat."
168
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,334
We'll just send for some
we don't have.
169
00:07:56,334 --> 00:07:58,133
How are they going
to know you broke me?
170
00:07:58,133 --> 00:07:59,934
Credit's so easy to get
these days,
171
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:01,334
these companies
will just fight
172
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:03,300
for a new guy like me.
173
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,767
Everybody said no?
174
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:14,601
No. Everybody said,
"Get lost, deadbeat."
175
00:08:14,601 --> 00:08:17,934
You know,
the sad part is, Peg...
176
00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:19,133
I lied about my income.
177
00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:21,300
I do too, dear.
178
00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:24,767
Hey, look.
179
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:29,767
Here's a lingerie offer
for Buck Bundy.
180
00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:33,267
And our assemblyman
would like Buck Bundy's vote.
181
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:35,767
And this real estate agent says,
182
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:39,300
"Let me sell your house,
Buck Bundy."
183
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,200
Is there anything there
that says,
184
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,367
"We want to make a coat
out of you, Buck Bundy"?
185
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:46,801
Al, you're just jealous
of the dog.
186
00:08:46,801 --> 00:08:49,767
I'm jealous of anybody
not married to you.
187
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:57,400
Here's something I missed.
Oh, look, it's a credit card.
188
00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,567
Ha! See? I told you,
anybody can get a credit card.
189
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:03,968
Anybody did, Al. It's for Buck.
190
00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:10,033
And you couldn't even get
a gas card.
191
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,501
Hey, Bud. Buck
got a credit card.
192
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:20,501
Wow. Dad can't even get
a gas card.
193
00:09:20,501 --> 00:09:23,000
Hey, I know what we can all do.
194
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,968
Let's go down
to the water treatment plant,
195
00:09:24,968 --> 00:09:26,467
and you can all take turns
196
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:27,834
throwing ol' Dad
in the raw sewage.
197
00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:32,501
Come on, honey. It's funny.
198
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,834
I mean, Buck got a credit card.
He didn't even apply for it.
199
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:38,434
Yeah, he didn't ask for it.
200
00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:39,734
Hey, remember what
Mrs. Rhoades said
201
00:09:39,734 --> 00:09:41,934
about
those Yodelin' Andy records?
202
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:43,968
If they send you something
and you didn't order it,
203
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:47,367
you can keep it, use it,
and not pay.
204
00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:53,200
Oh, Al. Do you think we could?
205
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:59,100
Well, when the bill comes,
it'll come to Buck.
206
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,534
What are they going to do,
sue a dog?
207
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,501
Arrest him? Cuff him?
208
00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:05,033
Beat the hell out of him?
209
00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:09,901
And what if they did?
210
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,000
Dad, I think we've just stumbled
211
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,467
onto a major
financial breakthrough here.
212
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:18,167
You bet we did.
Good boy, Buck!
213
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:19,567
Let's hit the stores.
214
00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:23,234
Wait a second.
215
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:24,634
How are we going
to get there?
216
00:10:24,634 --> 00:10:26,000
I don't have any gas,
217
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,501
and gas stations
don't take these cards.
218
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:33,000
[CAR DRIVES UP]
219
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,167
STEVE:
Marcie, I'm home!
220
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:36,834
[DOOR SHUTS]
221
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:40,334
Get the siphon hose, Bud.
222
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:41,868
We're going shopping.
223
00:10:45,801 --> 00:10:52,868
* Yep, they call me
The yodelin' maa-aan *
224
00:10:52,868 --> 00:11:00,000
* I yodel whenever I caa-aan *
225
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:07,934
* And if you try
You can yo-o-odel too-oo **
226
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:09,467
Hey, Bud,
did you call your sister
227
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:10,868
at her grandma's
228
00:11:10,868 --> 00:11:13,267
and tell her to hurry home
and enjoy this while it lasts?
229
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:14,868
Oh, yeah.
230
00:11:14,868 --> 00:11:16,667
I'd never forgive myself
if she missed this.
231
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:23,667
Peg, what do you
want to do tonight?
232
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,200
Oh, I don't know.
233
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,200
All the stores are closed,
234
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:32,033
and there's never anything to do
around the house.
235
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:33,868
Oh, I need a vacation.
236
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:35,033
That's not
a bad idea.
237
00:11:35,033 --> 00:11:36,534
I wouldn't mind
getting out of here
238
00:11:36,534 --> 00:11:37,701
for a couple of days.
239
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:40,701
Oh, gee, Al, I'd love to,
240
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,701
but you know
it wouldn't be a real vacation
241
00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:45,701
if we had to take...
242
00:11:45,701 --> 00:11:47,234
Ud-bay.
243
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:51,200
She means me, Dad.
244
00:11:53,033 --> 00:11:55,133
Oh.
245
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,701
Don't worry about me.
246
00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:58,734
You deserve a good time.
247
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,067
I'll manage... Somehow.
248
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:03,701
Yeah, but who's going
to stay with you?
249
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:05,968
Uh... Kelly! Yeah, yeah.
250
00:12:05,968 --> 00:12:08,501
When I called her, she said
she'd be coming home early.
251
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:10,100
Well, they've got plenty
of fancy hotels downtown.
252
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,701
We could check in
to one of those
253
00:12:11,701 --> 00:12:13,100
and be only 20 minutes away.
254
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,300
Oh, Al, could we?
255
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,400
Hey.
256
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,234
As long
as I'm not paying for it,
257
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:18,667
nothing's too good
for my wife.
258
00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:24,767
* Yodel-o-hoo
Yodel-o-hoo *
259
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,868
* Yodel-o-hoo
Yodel-o-hoo *
260
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,601
You know, I know someone must
have said it before, Peg,
261
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:31,934
but it's good
to be rich.
262
00:12:31,934 --> 00:12:34,701
Changes your whole
outlook on things.
263
00:12:34,701 --> 00:12:36,334
Here we are
in the same room,
264
00:12:36,334 --> 00:12:37,901
and not once
have I thought
265
00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:39,701
about sitting in the car,
closing the garage door,
266
00:12:39,701 --> 00:12:43,567
and letting the engine
purr me to sleep.
267
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:44,834
I know, sweetie.
268
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,701
Many is the time
269
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:47,968
I've thought of you
doing that too.
270
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:53,567
Well, it's all
behind us now.
271
00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:58,234
Anybody for some more
Yodelin' Andy?
272
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,033
You know, Al,
273
00:13:00,033 --> 00:13:02,133
maybe we should give
Yodelin' Andy a rest.
274
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:03,801
We've already
gotten complaints
275
00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:05,634
from the neighbors
in the next suite.
276
00:13:05,634 --> 00:13:07,367
Ah, that champagne
I sent them
277
00:13:07,367 --> 00:13:08,801
ought to shut them up.
278
00:13:08,801 --> 00:13:11,267
See, that's how rich people
shut each other up, Peg.
279
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:13,734
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
280
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,033
Hey, you,
281
00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:17,167
the guy with his thumb
in my vichyssoise...
282
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:18,934
Open the door!
283
00:13:18,934 --> 00:13:20,501
We're obnoxious,
284
00:13:20,501 --> 00:13:22,667
but we'll give you
a big tip.
285
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,067
Well, then, it's okay.
286
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,601
If it's our children,
287
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:29,834
tell them
we're not here.
288
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:31,501
Here's your bill, sir.
289
00:13:31,501 --> 00:13:33,667
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
290
00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:36,167
Peg. You got
to see this.
291
00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:41,200
Oh! That's more than
you earn in a week!
292
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:46,200
And you didn't want
to get a dog!
293
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,701
Let me just write in
your tip.
294
00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:51,367
Oh, sir!
295
00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:54,701
That ought to keep
you groveling.
296
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:57,200
All right.
Let me sign it.
297
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,567
Buck Bundy.
298
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,667
There you go.
299
00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:13,167
Did you see the look
on that bellboy's face, Peg?
300
00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:16,334
On his face? No.
301
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:19,901
Mr. Bundy?
302
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,033
I'm Bundy.
303
00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:24,667
My name is Hiram S. Massey.
304
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:27,234
Sorry to disturb you
while you bathe,
305
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,167
but my wife and I
306
00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:30,901
wanted to thank you
for the champagne.
307
00:14:30,901 --> 00:14:32,133
It's her favorite.
308
00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:33,801
Great minds drink alike.
309
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:36,534
[LAUGHING]
310
00:14:36,534 --> 00:14:38,367
Where is the old bird,
anyway?
311
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:39,400
Well,
312
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,601
she's a little shy.
313
00:14:42,601 --> 00:14:45,367
Come on in, hon. It's okay.
314
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:54,300
Hi.
315
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:11,968
Thanks for the bubbly.
316
00:15:11,968 --> 00:15:13,567
It's my favorite.
317
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:15,501
Thank you.
318
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,234
But I didn't do anything.
319
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,033
Oh, yeah, you did.
320
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:27,267
You old dog, you!
321
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:30,133
I could say the
same thing about you.
322
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:32,901
No, you could say
the same thing about her.
323
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,968
Gee, you have a lot of food
in here.
324
00:15:38,968 --> 00:15:41,434
Hiram ordered our dinner
two hours ago,
325
00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:44,200
but they said that
all the bellboys were in here.
326
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,100
Do you mind if we join you?
327
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,634
Sure. Dive in.
328
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:09,400
Gee, Bud, I don't know why
I've never noticed you before.
329
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,067
Yeah. You're really cute.
330
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,834
Thanks for the TVs.
331
00:16:16,234 --> 00:16:19,234
A drop in the bucket.
332
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:20,267
[DOORBELL RINGS]
333
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:23,200
Oops. Must be my masseuse.
334
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:26,534
Oh, hi, Bud.
335
00:16:26,534 --> 00:16:28,534
Listen, I came over
to ask your father something.
336
00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:30,000
He knows a lot about cars.
337
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,033
My new Mercedes is getting
three miles per gallon.
338
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:40,501
Listen, Mr. Rhoades,
339
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:42,634
I hope you don't think
I'm a bad host here,
340
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:46,601
but I'm moments away
from truly understanding Hef.
341
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:49,501
Wait a second. Where did you get
all this stuff?
342
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:51,767
Ooh! A ski training machine.
343
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:53,267
We can't afford
a ski training machine.
344
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:55,267
I'd love to have
a ski training machine.
345
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,000
Yeah, sure you would,
Mr. Rhoades. Bye.
346
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,300
Wait, wait. Wait a second.
347
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,701
Bowling balls,
radios, TV sets.
348
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:03,501
Your father is a pauper.
What's going on here?
349
00:17:03,501 --> 00:17:05,234
Mr. Rhoades, please,
350
00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:07,467
go downstairs
and play in our wine cellar.
351
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:11,834
According to Dad,
all I need is a few minutes.
352
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,367
Uh, Bud, I'm going to make this
short and sweet.
353
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:23,667
Your father has a lot of stuff.
I want some stuff too.
354
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,868
All I want to know is,
how did he get it?
355
00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:27,300
Dad told me not to tell you.
356
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,133
Bud...
357
00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:30,501
Coming, dear.
358
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:40,868
Bud, we have
to be home soon.
359
00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:47,934
But I've got all night.
360
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,501
Okay, Rhoades, you win.
361
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:56,167
They gave Buck
a credit card.
362
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,033
Dad's using it because
he didn't ask for it,
363
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,267
so he doesn't have to pay.
364
00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:01,701
You know, like when
you get records you didn't want.
365
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,601
Did he happen
to sign Buck's name
366
00:18:04,601 --> 00:18:06,133
to the receipts?
367
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:07,501
Sure.
368
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:11,767
Then it's a-prison
he'll be going.
369
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:14,133
You might want to let him know.
370
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,667
Well, he's sort of at a hotel.
371
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:18,167
Then he's sort of in
big trouble.
372
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:24,734
Gee, Bud,
what's the matter?
373
00:18:24,734 --> 00:18:27,000
Nothing that can't wait.
374
00:18:33,033 --> 00:18:35,334
Peggy, are you sure
375
00:18:35,334 --> 00:18:37,167
you don't want
to join us in here?
376
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:40,567
No, thanks.
I'm fine right here.
377
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,300
Here's your
bill, sir.
378
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:45,601
Let me
get that.
379
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:48,534
No, no, no. My tub, my grub.
Just put it on my tab.
380
00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:49,701
Ooh!
381
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,400
Oops!
382
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,801
Sorry.
383
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:59,801
Did you drop the soap again,
sweetie?
384
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:03,067
I don't know what's wrong
with me tonight.
385
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:04,968
Well, if you can't find
that one,
386
00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:06,834
I have a nice fresh bar
387
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:08,801
I'm sure we could find someplace
to stick.
388
00:19:08,801 --> 00:19:10,367
Peg!
389
00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:12,767
Now, they're guests
in our tub.
390
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,767
It was a total accident.
391
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:18,901
You can look for the soap
all you want, dear.
392
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:19,934
Ooh!
393
00:19:19,934 --> 00:19:20,834
Oops!
394
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:23,901
You know, Bundy--
395
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,234
Buck.
396
00:19:25,234 --> 00:19:28,033
Buck. I could use
a man like you.
397
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:29,167
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
398
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:33,501
Carlos, "el fono."
399
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:35,901
I wish
you were available.
400
00:19:35,901 --> 00:19:38,501
I need somebody to
manage my operations
401
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:39,400
in Houston.
402
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,634
You'd be perfect.
403
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,501
You know anybody
like you
404
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:49,501
who wouldn't mind starting out
at 100 grand a year?
405
00:19:49,501 --> 00:19:51,234
He'll take it!
I'll take it!
406
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:52,334
Oh, now, Buck,
407
00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:55,434
we're talking
a lousy 100 grand here.
408
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:56,934
Why would you want
to start over
409
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:58,000
on the bottom?
410
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,701
Oh, my husband belongs
at the bottom.
411
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,300
He loves the bottom.
412
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,968
In fact,
he is the bottom.
413
00:20:05,968 --> 00:20:08,901
Here's some soap.
Play, play, play.
414
00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:10,334
Oh!
415
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:15,067
Mr. Massey,
my husband needs the bottom.
416
00:20:15,067 --> 00:20:19,100
I mean, sure,
the money is a joke.
417
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:21,634
Just send me the check
and give him the job.
418
00:20:21,634 --> 00:20:22,667
Well...
419
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,234
Mrs. Bundy,
420
00:20:24,234 --> 00:20:25,701
I have a message
from your son.
421
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:27,133
I am very busy.
422
00:20:27,133 --> 00:20:29,634
Oh, it's a very interesting
message.
423
00:20:54,801 --> 00:20:59,601
Well, it was nice to be rich,
even if just for a little while.
424
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:01,067
And now we're poor again.
425
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:03,868
I'm just sorry you had
to give everything back.
426
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:06,200
Not everything, Mom.
427
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:10,367
You know,
428
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:13,067
luckily, the credit card company
was so embarrassed
429
00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,133
about giving a dog
a credit card,
430
00:21:15,133 --> 00:21:17,000
they decided
not to press charges.
431
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,801
They just impounded the stuff.
432
00:21:18,801 --> 00:21:19,968
Where's Dad?
433
00:21:19,968 --> 00:21:23,167
Well, it seems
that you can't impound
434
00:21:23,167 --> 00:21:26,934
$1500 worth of hotel services
and food,
435
00:21:26,934 --> 00:21:29,200
so we all got together
and we discussed it.
436
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,801
Everyone was real nice.
437
00:21:30,801 --> 00:21:32,300
And the upshot is...
438
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:35,267
Daddy will be working days
in the shoe store...
439
00:21:35,267 --> 00:21:38,400
And nights... Well...
440
00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:44,367
Boy!
441
00:21:52,901 --> 00:21:54,234
Yes, ma'am?
442
00:21:54,234 --> 00:21:55,934
My lobster's cold.
443
00:21:55,934 --> 00:21:58,634
I'm sorry, ma'am.
444
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:03,767
Oh, and... Buck...
445
00:22:07,968 --> 00:22:09,667
I need someone
to scrub my back.
446
00:22:17,701 --> 00:22:19,934
I'm an excellent tipper.
447
00:22:30,367 --> 00:22:32,267
Good boy, Buck.
448
00:22:45,701 --> 00:22:48,734
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:32,100
Kelly, are you going out
21
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:35,267
walking by
construction sites again?
22
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:36,868
Because if you are,
give me five minutes.
23
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:39,534
I'll put on something cute
and come join you.
24
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:42,033
No, Mom, this is my
Valentine's Day outfit.
25
00:01:42,033 --> 00:01:45,067
See, all the guys
are down at the mall,
26
00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:46,100
you know, waiting for me
27
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:47,501
to give me their cards
and candy
28
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:48,701
and other gifts
of their devotion,
29
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:50,200
so I'll be taking
the laundry bag.
30
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,434
You don't need it, do you?
31
00:01:51,434 --> 00:01:53,701
Nah. It's mostly decorative.
32
00:01:53,701 --> 00:01:57,767
Gee, I sure hope Bud gets
a Valentine this year.
33
00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:59,267
So does he.
34
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:01,067
He's got about
as much chance
35
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:02,734
of getting a Valentine
36
00:02:02,734 --> 00:02:05,868
as I do
of getting an "A."
37
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,868
Ladies...Kelly.
38
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,901
Yup, this is going
to be my special day.
39
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:27,400
Any girls call me?
40
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,901
Yup. They call you
Geek, Dork,
41
00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:31,934
and Hairy Palms.
42
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,100
That was the old Bud.
43
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:35,567
This year, I'm hot.
44
00:02:35,567 --> 00:02:37,868
See, in the past, I haven't
been interested in girls.
45
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:42,234
Seeing Kelly in the morning
can do that to a guy.
46
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:47,033
No, but this year,
I threw around a few winks,
47
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,868
let it be known
I'm accepting Valentines,
48
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:51,868
so they should be rolling in.
49
00:02:51,868 --> 00:02:53,367
Won't they, Mom?
50
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:56,367
Sure, they will, son.
51
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:57,901
But not for you.
52
00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:01,300
Well, I'm
off to the mall.
53
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:02,868
Hey, Kel,
I see you're wearing
54
00:03:02,868 --> 00:03:04,467
your "love me for my mind"
outfit again.
55
00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:11,000
I hate Valentine's Day
in the shoe store.
56
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,501
Every fat woman
in Chicago hippos in
57
00:03:13,501 --> 00:03:17,167
wanting pink pumps.
58
00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:18,834
They think it
makes them look sexy,
59
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:20,534
as if anyone
could see the shoes
60
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,200
over the bulging flesh
of their ankles.
61
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,834
Good morning, Al.
62
00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:26,100
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
63
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:33,000
So, honey, you want
anything special
64
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,667
for Valentine's Day?
65
00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:37,634
Yeah, but she's
wrestling in the mud,
66
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,133
and I'm just living there.
67
00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:40,634
[DOORBELL RINGS]
68
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:42,133
Who the hell could that be?
69
00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:44,467
Well, it's Valentine's Day.
Maybe it's Cupid.
70
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,968
No, he'd never
show his face around here again
71
00:03:46,968 --> 00:03:48,734
after making this match.
72
00:03:48,734 --> 00:03:50,634
Hi, Al.
73
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:53,968
You know, all you have to do
is walk outside, look around.
74
00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:55,601
You just know
it's Valentine's Day.
75
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:56,767
What do you want?
76
00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:57,868
Al, I need a favor.
77
00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:01,300
Uh, Peggy, I need a favor.
78
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,701
I need someplace
to hide Marcie's present.
79
00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,300
Oh, gee, Steve, what is it?
80
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,300
You know, having Al
for a husband,
81
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:10,801
I've always wondered,
what do husbands
82
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:14,000
give their wives
for Valentine's Day?
83
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,467
Well, this isn't
a fair example.
84
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:18,834
See, for us, it's not just
Valentine's Day.
85
00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:20,601
It's our first anniversary.
86
00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:23,334
Oh, Al...
87
00:04:23,334 --> 00:04:27,300
Leave me alone.
88
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:30,100
Yes, well, uh,
would you hide this for me?
89
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:34,667
Sure. I'll
hide it upstairs.
90
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:37,434
Let me save you
some wear and tear
91
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:39,367
on your nails
and teeth.
92
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:41,267
See, the first anniversary
is paper,
93
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:43,267
and since paper
isn't all that romantic,
94
00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:45,634
I got her tickets for two
to Hawaii.
95
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,234
Oh, now, please don't tell her.
I want it to be a surprise.
96
00:04:48,234 --> 00:04:51,133
Don't worry.
I can keep a secret.
97
00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:53,133
Oh, by the way, Al,
98
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:55,968
that little rubber doughnut
you ordered came in yesterday.
99
00:04:55,968 --> 00:04:57,667
Al's got 'rhoids,
you know.
100
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:07,467
Well, you're obviously
sitting pretty.
101
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:09,434
So, what are you
getting Peggy
102
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,000
for Valentine's Day?
103
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,968
Fur, jewels, a car?
104
00:05:12,968 --> 00:05:15,968
If it was
only that easy.
105
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:19,667
I'm going to have
sex with her.
106
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,667
It's kind of a tradition.
107
00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:24,667
Every Valentine's Day,
I climb those stairs,
108
00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:27,334
you know, walk
the last mile, and, uh...
109
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:32,267
slam-dunk her one.
110
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:33,667
It's a spin
through hell for me,
111
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,501
but she
seems to like it.
112
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:37,767
I only pray
that after 16 years,
113
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:39,000
Marcie and I will
have
114
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,100
that kind of magic
between us.
115
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:43,834
Steve, if it was magic,
116
00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:46,100
I could do it from down
here in front of the TV.
117
00:05:58,801 --> 00:06:00,834
[DOORBELL RINGS]
118
00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:02,133
Hi, Peggy.
119
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,133
I waited till Steve left home.
120
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:05,634
I need your help.
121
00:06:05,634 --> 00:06:08,434
What can I get him
for our anniversary?
122
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:12,634
Well, don't get him
two tickets to Hawaii.
123
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:16,734
That's what he got you.
It's a surprise.
124
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:20,634
He got me tickets to Hawaii?
125
00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,133
Damn him!
126
00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:25,667
He's so irritating,
getting me the perfect gift.
127
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:29,167
Now I have to get him
something just as great.
128
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,901
What a weenie.
God, I hate him.
129
00:06:31,901 --> 00:06:35,133
Sure you do.
He's your husband.
130
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,267
Yeah, well,
131
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:38,601
I still have to find him
something really good--
132
00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:41,934
something personal,
something romantic,
133
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:43,434
something that symbolizes
134
00:06:43,434 --> 00:06:46,367
the depth and purity
of our relationship.
135
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:49,467
You could jump naked
out of a cake.
136
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,534
Yeah. That says it all!
137
00:06:51,534 --> 00:06:52,934
But who would know
138
00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:55,400
where to find something
so kinky?
139
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,300
Cakes a Poppin'.
140
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:02,300
Just ask for Leif.
Here's their number.
141
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,300
Oh, and when you pay,
have them stamp my card.
142
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,801
Two more, I get one free.
143
00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:09,300
I'll do it.
144
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,801
I know.
The cake can say,
145
00:07:11,801 --> 00:07:13,667
"Take me.
I'm yours."
146
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,133
Steve will love it.
Thanks, Peg.
147
00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:18,400
So, do you know
what Al's getting you?
148
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,300
Oh, yeah. Same thing he
gets me every year.
149
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,067
He's going to slam-dunk
me a quick one.
150
00:07:27,901 --> 00:07:29,300
Of course,
those are his words.
151
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,300
I mean, in reality,
152
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:34,834
it's more like
a foul shot.
153
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:39,501
You know, he takes
a deep breath and scores.
154
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,667
Sure, it's worth a point,
155
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:43,968
but it will never make
the highlight reel.
156
00:07:43,968 --> 00:07:48,200
It's like your honeymoon
never ended.
157
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,200
But as long as he
tells you he loves you,
158
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,767
I guess that's all
that really matters.
159
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,501
Actually, Al says,
160
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:57,601
"There. That
should hold you."
161
00:07:57,601 --> 00:07:59,100
But you know Al.
You know,
162
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,601
he just has difficulty
saying certain things,
163
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:04,133
Like "I love you,"
"thank you,"
164
00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:07,334
and "Look out.
There's a car coming."
165
00:08:07,334 --> 00:08:10,801
Oh, bunk.
You live in this hovel,
166
00:08:10,801 --> 00:08:13,801
you bore him
those two awful children,
167
00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:16,701
and he can't even
tell you he loves you?
168
00:08:16,701 --> 00:08:18,300
I've heard him say
"I love the Cubs."
169
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:19,300
"I'd love a beer."
170
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:21,834
"I'd love it
if you leave, Marcie."
171
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:22,868
Face it, Peggy.
172
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,100
This man's no stranger
to the word "love."
173
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:28,567
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I mean, I know he loves me.
174
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:30,067
He doesn't say it,
175
00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:33,067
and it would be nice
to hear it once in a while,
176
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,567
but it's no big deal.
177
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,968
I mean, he does so many other
wonderful things for me.
178
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:40,534
He, uh...
179
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,701
Hi, Mom.
180
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:46,868
Kelly, what does
your father do for me?
181
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:51,267
Well, he...
182
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:53,000
Daddy?
183
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,100
Nevermind.
184
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,601
Where's your brother?
185
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,133
Oh, he's standing
by the mailbox,
186
00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:58,601
waiting for a valentine.
187
00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:00,100
I haven't got the heart
188
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,100
to remind him
it's Sunday.
189
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:04,634
Well, just in case he doesn't
get one this year,
190
00:09:04,634 --> 00:09:06,868
I want you to
go easy on him, okay?
191
00:09:06,868 --> 00:09:08,267
Come on, Mom.
We both know
192
00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:10,100
that Bud's an obnoxious,
ratlike creature,
193
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:13,133
but it doesn't mean
I don't love him.
194
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:14,267
He knows that.
195
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:15,801
How does he know that?
196
00:09:15,801 --> 00:09:16,734
I tell him.
197
00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:20,167
Well, has
he ever told you?
198
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:21,367
Oh, sure. You got to.
199
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:22,968
I mean, it kind of
takes the edge
200
00:09:22,968 --> 00:09:24,734
off things like this...
201
00:09:30,133 --> 00:09:32,467
Oh, Bud. It's Sunday.
202
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,634
There's no mail
on Sunday.
203
00:09:35,634 --> 00:09:37,968
Happy Valentine's Day.
204
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:42,300
No!
205
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:45,968
Love him? You betcha.
206
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:48,501
Hey, Peg. How come when I said,
"Hi, Bud,"
207
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:50,701
he said,
"I don't need your pity"?
208
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,534
You don't really want to know,
do you?
209
00:09:54,534 --> 00:09:57,968
Nope.
210
00:09:57,968 --> 00:10:03,133
What time is dinner
rearing its ugly head?
211
00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:04,968
Soon, honey.
212
00:10:04,968 --> 00:10:08,133
By the way...
I love you, Al.
213
00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:11,434
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
214
00:10:11,434 --> 00:10:13,968
Look, Peg, I know you're
anxiously awaiting
215
00:10:13,968 --> 00:10:17,400
your Valentine
sex-a-rama...
216
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,033
So here's the plan.
217
00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:20,734
I can slide you in
218
00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:21,734
between the Bulls-
Pistons game
219
00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:24,467
and The Rifleman.
220
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:27,067
Gee, there's about
four or five commercials
221
00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:28,534
in between them.
222
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:31,300
Are we going
to do it twice?
223
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:32,567
Peg, remember,
224
00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:36,701
a smart mouth
is a lonely mouth.
225
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:38,567
You know, Al, this year,
226
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:40,901
I was hoping
for something different.
227
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:47,400
Uh-uh, Peg.
The socks stay on.
228
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,400
No, Al. This year,
instead of sex,
229
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,100
I want you
to tell me you love me.
230
00:10:57,701 --> 00:11:01,334
What if I do
take the socks off?
231
00:11:01,334 --> 00:11:02,801
I'm serious, Al.
I want to hear it.
232
00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:03,801
Yeah, right.
233
00:11:03,801 --> 00:11:05,000
Well, listen, Peg.
234
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,467
I'm going to go
upstairs and wash up,
235
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,000
but just to show you
236
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,200
how really special
you are to me,
237
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,133
tonight I'm
going to kiss you.
238
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:22,033
Well, Mom, I've got all my cards
in this bag.
239
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:24,901
Now, instead of dating
all the guys in here,
240
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:27,267
which last year proved
to be almost impossible,
241
00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:29,100
this year, I'm going to
pick one lucky guy
242
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,634
to represent
all of my admirers.
243
00:11:30,634 --> 00:11:31,701
Doesn't matter who it is.
244
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:33,033
This is the one day
245
00:11:33,033 --> 00:11:34,033
everyone
has a fair chance,
246
00:11:34,033 --> 00:11:38,167
so pick one for me.
247
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,167
Josh.
248
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:44,601
He's really ugly.
Pick again.
249
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:46,467
Sheldon?
250
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:50,834
Okay, give me the bag.
251
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:53,133
Okay.
252
00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:57,033
Pick the red one
with the star.
253
00:11:57,033 --> 00:11:58,400
Johnny.
254
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,434
Oh, what luck.
The cutest guy in school.
255
00:12:00,434 --> 00:12:02,968
Oh, you sure know
how to pick a man.
256
00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:09,567
Well, all my Valentines
finally came in.
257
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:10,968
I'm going upstairs
to open them.
258
00:12:10,968 --> 00:12:13,467
[BOTTLES CLANKING]
259
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,968
Sounds kind of
like pop bottles.
260
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,367
Well, they're not.
261
00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:18,868
They're paper.
262
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,033
[CLANK]
263
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,534
Uh, you know, Bud...
264
00:12:21,534 --> 00:12:23,501
You're my Valentine.
265
00:12:23,501 --> 00:12:28,734
Wow. Wait till I
go tell the guys.
266
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:30,868
Well, speaking
of losers,
267
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,334
I'm going to go through
these excess Valentines.
268
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:36,834
Let's see. "Fairest Kelly."
269
00:12:36,834 --> 00:12:41,667
"Beautiful Kelly."
"Kelly, my love. "
270
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:43,167
"Dearest Bud"?
271
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:45,167
Yes, yes! I knew it!
272
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:47,901
Give it here.
273
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:57,834
It's from some girl
named...April May June.
274
00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:00,334
She says she loves me,
275
00:13:00,334 --> 00:13:02,834
and she's coming over
to see me tonight.
276
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:04,501
Oh, that's great, honey.
277
00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:07,334
Did you write
that card as a joke?
278
00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:09,067
No. Did you?
279
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:12,033
Hey, you did write this,
didn't you, Kel?
280
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:13,534
I mean, "April,
May, June"--
281
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:19,467
those are all
words you know.
282
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:21,667
Come on, Kel, just tell me,
because I've got a chance
283
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,400
to go to the Bulls game
tonight with Joey.
284
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,467
Gee, Bud. Dilemma, dilemma.
285
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,467
Do you get all dressed up,
286
00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:29,701
stay here,
and look like an idiot,
287
00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:30,834
or go to the game,
288
00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:32,801
stand up the only date
you'll ever have,
289
00:13:32,801 --> 00:13:33,934
and look like an idiot?
290
00:13:33,934 --> 00:13:36,367
Hmm. Tough one for Bud.
291
00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:37,667
Well, I'm going
to got upstairs
292
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,667
and get ready
for my real date.
293
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:41,167
Did you write that,
Kel?
294
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,667
Just say yes or no.
295
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:43,767
No.
296
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,367
Come on, Kel, really,
I know you did.
297
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,834
Okay, yeah, I did.
298
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:49,901
Oh, no, you didn't.
Really, Kel?
299
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:57,367
Okay, Peg. No sense
in putting off the inevitable.
300
00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:59,000
Now, the kids
are upstairs,
301
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,334
so we probably shouldn't
do it up there,
302
00:14:02,334 --> 00:14:04,801
what with your screaming
and everything.
303
00:14:04,801 --> 00:14:07,167
That was your fault, Al.
304
00:14:07,167 --> 00:14:09,834
You're the one
who turned the lights on.
305
00:14:15,234 --> 00:14:18,234
Hey, let's not throw stones
on this romantic night.
306
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:19,234
Now, it's almost time,
307
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,033
so why don't you
go down to the basement,
308
00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:22,167
blow up the air mattress?
309
00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:24,400
I'll pop some Tums
and be right down.
310
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,601
I want to hear it, Al.
311
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,501
I want to hear you say
"I love you."
312
00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:32,400
Not that again.
313
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,601
Okay, Peg.
314
00:14:33,601 --> 00:14:35,400
Now, I know you didn't
think of this yourself.
315
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,801
Now, where did this come from?
Phil? Oprah?
316
00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:40,767
Marcie.
317
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,767
Oh, great. The only one
we can't turn off.
318
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,801
Al, Steve and Marcie
not only say it,
319
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:49,534
they mean it,
and they show it.
320
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:52,234
Do you know what Marcie's
giving Steve tonight?
321
00:14:52,234 --> 00:14:54,734
A running start.
322
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:57,234
No, she went
to Cakes a Poppin',
323
00:14:57,234 --> 00:14:59,234
and she's having herself
delivered to him.
324
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:00,667
Then she's going
to pop out naked.
325
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,167
I hope you're happy, Peg..
326
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:05,334
I'll never
eat cake again.
327
00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:07,701
Al, if she can go to all that
trouble for Steve,
328
00:15:07,701 --> 00:15:10,534
the least you can do for me
is say "I love you."
329
00:15:14,968 --> 00:15:20,133
I'm not going downstairs
with you unless you say it.
330
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:22,868
Withholding sex
from me, Peg? Oh no!
331
00:15:26,868 --> 00:15:28,501
Well, I guess I'll
just have to relax
332
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:31,434
and have fun instead.
333
00:15:31,434 --> 00:15:34,434
Come on, Peg.
What's the big deal?
334
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,501
You know I do.
335
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:37,934
I just don't like
to say it.
336
00:15:37,934 --> 00:15:40,334
It...makes me sick.
337
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:43,334
Well, it doesn't make me
sick to say it.
338
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:44,834
I love you.
339
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:46,868
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
340
00:15:46,868 --> 00:15:49,267
I'll be waiting upstairs.
341
00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:58,467
Time to reach out
and touch someone.
342
00:15:58,467 --> 00:16:00,901
Yeah, here we go.
343
00:16:00,901 --> 00:16:03,501
Ahem. Ahem.
344
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:12,534
Hello. Yes, I'm calling about
the Marcie Rhoades cake.
345
00:16:12,534 --> 00:16:14,767
No, this is her husband.
346
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,968
Yes, there's been
a change of plans.
347
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:19,834
Instead of the address
she gave you...
348
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,934
Do you have a pen?
349
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,701
Bud, I don't know why
you're dressed like that.
350
00:16:30,701 --> 00:16:33,200
If you don't think
you really have a date,
351
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,701
why did you pass up
a chance to go to the game?
352
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:37,701
Look, maybe I just wanted
to spend the night
353
00:16:37,701 --> 00:16:40,200
watching the game
with my Dad.
354
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,534
Why? What did I do?
355
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,534
Oh, by the way, Dad,
Mom's upstairs cursing you.
356
00:16:44,534 --> 00:16:46,400
I'm late. I've got to go.
357
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,567
Wait a second.
Kelly, come here a second.
358
00:16:51,601 --> 00:16:57,467
Now, you guys are,
what, in your teens?
359
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,501
Something like that,
Dad, yeah.
360
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:02,167
Well, you've known me
most of those years.
361
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:03,968
How do you think your dad
feels about you?
362
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:07,234
I mean, do you know
that your dad...
363
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,534
Loves us?
364
00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:12,133
Yeah, that. You guys
know that, right?
365
00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:13,234
Sure.
366
00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:17,434
Dad, are you dying?
367
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:22,234
Yes, but no one
seems to care.
368
00:17:22,234 --> 00:17:23,968
So, but, I mean,
369
00:17:23,968 --> 00:17:26,167
it's not important
for you to hear, uh...
370
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:27,634
That you love us?
371
00:17:27,634 --> 00:17:28,801
Yes.
372
00:17:28,801 --> 00:17:31,400
Hey, you'll tell us
when you're ready.
373
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,000
Yeah. Besides, we think
it would make a nice moment
374
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,167
for when you're
old and feeble.
375
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,534
Thank you.
376
00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:47,734
I'd be getting ready
if I were you, Bud.
377
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,167
I'm not falling
for it, Kel.
378
00:17:57,133 --> 00:18:00,634
Look, Dad, I've got
a hot date coming.
379
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:04,801
Get out.
380
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:07,834
But the game's on.
381
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:09,234
Dad...
382
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,767
The way I see it,
if you left now,
383
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:14,267
it would kind of be
like saying...
384
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,467
you love me.
385
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:31,667
So...how you doing?
386
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:35,667
Aw, come on, Peg.
387
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:37,300
People shouldn't have to say it.
It's unnecessary.
388
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:41,567
I haven't cheated on you.
I haven't asked for my own room.
389
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:45,667
I stayed through two kids
and your hotpants phase.
390
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,767
Doesn't that say it?
391
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:48,701
No.
392
00:18:48,701 --> 00:18:53,234
Well, then...could I have
my own room?
393
00:18:53,234 --> 00:18:54,234
No!
394
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,267
Now, I want to hear it.
395
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:57,267
Why?
396
00:18:57,267 --> 00:18:59,267
Because
it's nice to know.
397
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:01,234
Now, I'll start.
I love you.
398
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:05,734
Peg, this really makes
my stomach hurt.
399
00:19:05,734 --> 00:19:07,901
Well, then, you can
feel better real quick.
400
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:08,934
Now, just say it.
401
00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:12,868
I...
402
00:19:12,868 --> 00:19:15,200
I have to go
to the bathroom.
403
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:25,601
Thanks, Kel.
404
00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:27,567
Real funny joke.
405
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:32,300
April May June...
you're so immature.
406
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:37,434
Well, I hope you like
the itching powder in your bra.
407
00:19:37,434 --> 00:19:40,400
[DOORBELL RINGS]
408
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:47,300
Hi, Bud. Did you get
my Valentine?
409
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,667
I'm April May June.
410
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:54,467
Yes, yes,
I vaguely remember.
411
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,534
Come in, come in.
412
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:07,067
So...you have
quite an unusual name.
413
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:08,934
How did you get it?
414
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:11,934
My parents are idiots.
415
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:13,701
We have
a lot in common.
416
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:17,501
So you want me to be
your Valentine, eh?
417
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:19,567
Well, I saw you
around school,
418
00:20:19,567 --> 00:20:21,167
and I thought
you were kind of cute,
419
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,033
but you never noticed me.
420
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:24,467
You think I'm cute?
421
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:26,100
Sure. All the girls do.
422
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,734
Then why did I only get
one stinking Valentine?
423
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,567
Sorry.
I meant thank you.
424
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,901
Why are you scratching?
425
00:20:37,901 --> 00:20:40,300
It's this darn bra.
426
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:43,133
That's better.
427
00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:48,133
And don't you hate it
when they ride up on you?
428
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:53,734
Now, don't pull that upset
stomach routine with me, Al.
429
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:56,734
Come out here and tell me
you love me.
430
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:59,667
Are you going to tell me
or not?
431
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:05,834
Okay, Peg,
I'm going to say it...
432
00:21:05,834 --> 00:21:07,601
but before I say it,
433
00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:09,667
I want to tell you
I really hate you for this.
434
00:21:13,467 --> 00:21:16,467
I don't want to do it.
I'm unhappy.
435
00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:20,667
My stomach is boiling,
my palms are sweating,
436
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:22,667
and if you think you're getting
a jump after this,
437
00:21:22,667 --> 00:21:23,901
you're sadly mistaken.
438
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:28,033
Of course, if you had
a brain in that huge head,
439
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:29,534
you'd already know how I feel,
440
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:32,601
but you want to hear it, fine.
This is what you want.
441
00:21:32,601 --> 00:21:35,834
It's your stinking lousy
Valentine's Day present,
442
00:21:35,834 --> 00:21:39,067
so here it is...
443
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:40,834
I love you.
444
00:21:48,067 --> 00:21:51,000
Oh, Al!
445
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,467
You didn't
have to say that.
446
00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:01,234
Gee, I only hope
that Steve and
Marcie
447
00:22:01,234 --> 00:22:04,234
are as happy as
we are right now.
448
00:22:04,234 --> 00:22:06,234
Well, I don't know about Steve,
449
00:22:06,234 --> 00:22:10,868
but, uh, Marcie's having
the night of her life.
450
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:16,968
MARCIE:
* My funny valentine *
451
00:22:16,968 --> 00:22:20,534
* Sweet comic valentine *
452
00:22:20,534 --> 00:22:24,234
* You make me smile... *
453
00:22:36,834 --> 00:22:39,000
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:16,701
Hello, Carol?
21
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:19,868
Bud Bundy here.
22
00:01:19,868 --> 00:01:22,367
Hello?
23
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:31,501
Hello, Carol? Don't hang up.
I got tickets to the concert.
24
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:33,667
Yes. It's Bud Bundy.
25
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,000
Yep.
26
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:38,167
What would you say
to a couple of primo seats
27
00:01:38,167 --> 00:01:40,434
to the Jimmy Dick and
the Nighsticks concert Saturday?
28
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,601
Well, yeah,
you'd have to go with me.
29
00:01:44,601 --> 00:01:47,100
I think it's worth it too.
30
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:48,133
Good. Good.
31
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:51,133
What say I pick you up
at 8:00?
32
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:53,300
Ciao, baby.
33
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,567
Ah...
34
00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:57,601
So many women,
so little time.
35
00:01:57,601 --> 00:01:58,601
Not me.
36
00:01:58,601 --> 00:02:01,601
I got one woman,
too much time.
37
00:02:01,601 --> 00:02:03,400
I'm not really
interested, Dad.
38
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,400
Listen, I really want
to impress this girl,
39
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,400
so could you
drive me?
40
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,934
Oh, could you wear one of
those stupid chauffeur hats?
41
00:02:10,934 --> 00:02:13,434
And put something
under your arm
42
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,267
so it looks like
you're packing a rod.
43
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:17,267
Why, Bud?
44
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,801
What your father's got
under there already
45
00:02:19,801 --> 00:02:23,100
is far more lethal.
46
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:25,934
Al, the termite control man
would like to speak to you.
47
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:27,067
Oh, why?
48
00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:30,868
I keep telling you,
we don't have termites.
49
00:02:35,133 --> 00:02:38,634
It's just
the house settling.
50
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:43,033
Kel, did you get
the tickets for the concert?
51
00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:45,567
I sure did...
and backstage passes.
52
00:02:45,567 --> 00:02:47,067
All right, Kel.
You're a goddess.
53
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,434
Give me my tickets.
54
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:50,734
Oh, I decided
not to get you any.
55
00:02:50,734 --> 00:02:52,133
See, it was either
use your money
56
00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:54,434
to get four regular
concert tickets
57
00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:57,434
or to get two tickets
and two backstage passes for me,
58
00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:59,434
so I'm taking my ugly friend,
Mandy.
59
00:02:59,434 --> 00:03:01,200
That way, Jimmy will
only look at me.
60
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,934
I'm so happy.
61
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,601
Well, Kel...
62
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:10,734
I'm happy for you, but...
what the hell about me?
63
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:12,834
Oh, Bud...
64
00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:15,334
I'm going to meet
Jimmy Dick!
65
00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:17,834
He's got this house
in Jamaica.
66
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:20,834
Do you know what I would
do for a house in Jamaica?
67
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,167
Yeah, the same thing
you'd do
68
00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,200
for dinner and a movie.
69
00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:31,334
Getting back to my
petty problem, see,
70
00:03:31,334 --> 00:03:33,734
I finally got a date
with a girl who has a waist.
71
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,234
I've never
had waist before.
72
00:03:36,234 --> 00:03:37,834
I've gotta have someplace
to take her.
73
00:03:37,834 --> 00:03:39,367
Come on, Bud.
74
00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:40,567
I'm sure there's
plenty of places
75
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,300
you could take her instead.
76
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,334
I know.
77
00:03:44,334 --> 00:03:47,968
The Peanuts Gang on Ice
is in town!
78
00:03:47,968 --> 00:03:50,200
You know I'll devote
the rest of my life
79
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,367
to get revenge on you.
80
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:53,167
Well, I'm not too worried.
81
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:55,000
See, I'll always have
the smell of Clearasil
82
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,100
to warn me that you're coming.
83
00:03:57,868 --> 00:04:00,467
How could we have termites?
84
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:02,667
Kids, didn't I tell you
to wipe your feet
85
00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:04,868
before you come
into the house?
86
00:04:04,868 --> 00:04:08,334
Now look.
We have termites.
87
00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:10,501
Now, kids, don't be ashamed.
88
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,200
Even the finest homes
have termites.
89
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:18,367
Of course, they get them
from homes like ours.
90
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:21,000
Hey, Kel, Dad's
in a real bad mood.
91
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,267
Be on your
best behavior.
92
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,000
The least little thing
could get you grounded.
93
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,300
Don't worry.
94
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,834
I cleaned up my room.
I did all my chores.
95
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:31,267
I'm untouchable.
96
00:04:31,267 --> 00:04:36,601
Hey, Dad.
Report card day.
97
00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:40,901
I got four A's and a B,
but enough about me.
98
00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:43,901
Batter up.
99
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,634
I, uh...I lost it.
100
00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:52,100
Well...this is
your lucky day...
101
00:04:56,634 --> 00:04:58,634
because I found it.
102
00:04:58,634 --> 00:05:01,634
It must have fallen out
of your purse
103
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:05,567
and accidentally got
taped under your bed.
104
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:08,067
How did she do?
105
00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,567
Ahem.
106
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:11,634
F, F, F, D.
107
00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:14,501
What happened, Kel,
you attend one?
108
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:18,868
Kelly, this is
the worst one yet.
109
00:05:18,868 --> 00:05:20,334
Now, we're going to have
to think
110
00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:21,868
of a punishment
for this.
111
00:05:21,868 --> 00:05:24,267
Hey, I'm sure
you'll think of something.
112
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:27,000
Oh, by the way, have a good time
at that concert Saturday, Kel.
113
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,868
Concert?
114
00:05:28,868 --> 00:05:31,267
You think that you're going
to a concert this weekend?
115
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:33,000
No way.
You're grounded.
116
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,234
Grounded?
117
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:37,601
Kelly, you have got
to learn responsibility.
118
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:39,000
Honey, would you like to see
119
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,100
some of your father's
old report cards?
120
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:44,100
He didn't think studying
was important either.
121
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,701
Now look at him.
122
00:05:47,334 --> 00:05:49,601
Well, Mom, you're right,
of course,
123
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,634
but won't you reconsider?
124
00:05:51,634 --> 00:05:53,033
I mean, I just know
125
00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:55,334
Kelly will study
for Monday's math test
126
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,634
right after the concert.
127
00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:59,133
You have
a math test Monday?
128
00:05:59,133 --> 00:06:03,133
Damn my loose lips.
129
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:04,167
Kelly?
130
00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:05,934
Oh, come on.
131
00:06:05,934 --> 00:06:08,701
I mean, when am I ever
going to need to know math?
132
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:11,367
Well, you may need it for
your career, you know--
133
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:17,467
three Whoppers,
large fries, and a Coke.
134
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:19,067
EXTERMINATOR:
Yo, Mr. Bundy!
135
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,968
More news
on the termite front.
136
00:06:20,968 --> 00:06:22,267
Let me guess.
137
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:24,100
A termite slipped
in the tub, broke his wing,
138
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,100
and he's suing us.
139
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:29,901
Well, on the good side,
he can't get much.
140
00:06:29,901 --> 00:06:31,901
Kel, I know what
you're thinking.
141
00:06:31,901 --> 00:06:34,934
"Now, what am I going to
do with those tickets?"
142
00:06:34,934 --> 00:06:36,300
Well, since I got you
grounded,
143
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,501
I'll take them
off your hands.
144
00:06:37,501 --> 00:06:39,868
Do you think
that for one second
145
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:41,367
I'm going to stay here
and study
146
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,567
when I'm just
a paternity suit
147
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:43,934
away from Jamaica?
148
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:49,100
Oh, no, Budrick.
No.
149
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:52,167
I'm sneaking out.
I do it all the time.
150
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:53,834
No house
can hold me,
151
00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:55,634
and you are not going
to tell on me.
152
00:06:55,634 --> 00:06:57,734
You can count
on me, Kel.
153
00:06:57,734 --> 00:06:59,367
Oh, I know I can,
because, you see,
154
00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:01,234
I happen know the true identity
155
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:03,000
of the masked
Lovers' Lane Peeper...
156
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:09,567
You know, the one
the whole football team
157
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,501
has a bounty on?
158
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:14,868
You-- You have no proof.
159
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,834
Oh?
160
00:07:19,234 --> 00:07:20,667
Then, uh...
161
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:23,601
what would you call
this mask and flashlight?
162
00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:28,567
I just look.
163
00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:32,067
So, Mr. Bundy,
we tent this baby up,
164
00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:34,601
and in just a couple of days,
adios, termites.
165
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:36,200
Oh yeah? Well, how
much will it cost
166
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,200
to tent this baby up?
167
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,767
Just a second.
Now, let's see.
168
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:43,434
We're going to need
the special tent.
169
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,100
Special tent?
For what?
170
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,100
Well, you know, your
house is shaped oddly.
171
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,901
You mean
like a house?
172
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,601
Yeah. Too bad.
173
00:07:50,601 --> 00:07:55,400
Now, let's see.
You got floors. That's extra.
174
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,400
You got rooms.
That's extra.
175
00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,667
And windows, too.
176
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:01,300
Uh-oh.
177
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:05,901
Now, you got an attached garage,
so I'll give you 10% off,
178
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:09,901
but then it is another room,
so that's extra...
179
00:08:09,901 --> 00:08:12,067
plus gratuity....
180
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,767
that comes to $1,750.
181
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,567
Listen,
we'll think about it.
182
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:18,100
We'll let you know.
183
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,167
Okay, but be quick.
184
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:21,567
Our price
goes up next week.
185
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,868
I'm getting
my license.
186
00:08:23,868 --> 00:08:27,567
Kelly, you see what happens
when you study?
187
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:31,067
$1,750 a job,
$1,750 a year.
188
00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,400
Yes, no.
189
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,634
Winner, loser.
190
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:39,601
Suicide, reason.
191
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:45,467
Listen, I can squeeze you in
on Saturday.
192
00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:46,868
Saturday's fine.
193
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:48,901
Saturday?
194
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:50,033
Is a check okay?
195
00:08:52,267 --> 00:08:54,300
No.
196
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,100
Ah, that's just great.
197
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:59,601
$1,750 for a tent
to put over a house.
198
00:08:59,601 --> 00:09:05,100
Listen, why don't we just borrow
one of your mother's muumuus?
199
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,100
Hell, if she doesn't wash it,
200
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:12,067
we won't have to pay
for the poison, either.
201
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,567
Well, since they're going
to be spraying the house
202
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,634
with pesticides,
203
00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:16,834
the kids and I
204
00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:18,868
will have to find
someplace to stay.
205
00:09:18,868 --> 00:09:21,367
I can stay
at my friend Mandy's.
206
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:22,400
Forget it, Kelly.
207
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,734
You're grounded
this weekend.
208
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:25,934
You're staying with the family
and studying.
209
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,133
Now, let's see.
210
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,667
We need a place to stay
that's cheap and comfortable
211
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:31,067
and accepts pets.
212
00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:35,767
I got it. We'll sleep
in the shoe store.
213
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:37,300
Oh, honey,
please reconsider.
214
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:39,901
There's still time to get
four cardboard boxes
215
00:09:39,901 --> 00:09:42,334
and sleep
in the junkyard.
216
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,968
Nah, it's too much
like staying at your mother's.
217
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:48,601
Nah, the shoe store's
better and safer.
218
00:09:48,601 --> 00:09:51,868
Once I lock it up,
nobody can get in...
219
00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:53,834
Or out.
220
00:10:10,701 --> 00:10:15,000
Oh, sir...
it's been 10 minutes.
221
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,634
Don't you think you
should get me a shoe?
222
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,567
That's an all-too-common
mistake
223
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:21,567
in the shoe biz, miss.
224
00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:23,834
You see, us real pros
225
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:25,767
understand the need
of holding a foot
226
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:27,367
and getting a good
look at the leg
227
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:29,968
so we know what
we're dealing with.
228
00:10:29,968 --> 00:10:31,734
I hope you're not
too uncomfortable.
229
00:10:31,734 --> 00:10:36,467
Well, actually,
it turns me on.
230
00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:39,834
We're closed.
231
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:48,734
Go home, Peg.
232
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:50,834
I am home, Al.
233
00:10:52,767 --> 00:10:54,267
We're here, Dad.
234
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:57,434
Oh, Dad!
235
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:58,934
While you're here,
236
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:02,601
can I show you
some of our bras?
237
00:11:02,601 --> 00:11:05,133
I think I better be going.
238
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,834
Well, could you show me
some of yours?
239
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:26,601
Uh, Al, are these some
of the fat women
240
00:11:26,601 --> 00:11:28,634
that you're always
complaining about?
241
00:11:28,634 --> 00:11:31,133
That was a once-in-a-lifetime
thing, Peg,
242
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:33,734
and I'm so glad you guys
were here to scared it away.
243
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:40,167
Oh, Peg, didn't you
bring him a bone or anything?
244
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:41,767
Those are $100 pumps.
245
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,267
Buck! Here, boy!
246
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:46,667
Here, take this.
This one's on sale.
247
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,167
Isn't that cute, Al?
248
00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:50,133
It's like he knows.
249
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:51,334
Yeah, it's real cute,
Peg.
250
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,534
When he's done with the shoe,
why don't you take him
251
00:11:53,534 --> 00:11:55,467
over to the cash register
for dessert?
252
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,267
Kel, why don't you just
give me the tickets?
253
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,501
You're not getting
out of here.
254
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,501
That's what they said
about the 10th grade,
255
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:05,234
but eventually,
I will.
256
00:12:05,234 --> 00:12:07,567
Well,
it's closing time.
257
00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:10,400
No, really?
Look at this.
258
00:12:13,968 --> 00:12:17,601
Go home, Peg.
259
00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:18,701
We're closed.
260
00:12:18,701 --> 00:12:20,501
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
261
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:23,934
No! We've never
been more open.
262
00:12:23,934 --> 00:12:27,100
How can I disappoint
the poor ladies, Peg?
263
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,801
Have sex with them.
264
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,534
Ha! Ha! I intend to.
265
00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:41,701
Uh, ladies, sit down.
266
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,467
Where are
you ladies from?
267
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:53,968
We're from right next door--
The aerobics studio?
268
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:55,968
So many times
we've passed by
269
00:12:55,968 --> 00:12:58,801
and seen your little face
pressed against the window.
270
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:00,601
Oh, no.
271
00:13:00,601 --> 00:13:03,100
So we thought
we'd come in.
272
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,667
Do you have time?
273
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:06,467
For you?
Of course.
274
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,968
Um, what can I
do for you?
275
00:13:08,968 --> 00:13:10,968
I was looking for
an evening shoe.
276
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:13,968
Well, all right.
Let me measure your chest.
277
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,067
I mean...ha, ha, ha!
278
00:13:17,267 --> 00:13:20,467
I mean your foot.
279
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,968
Sometimes when
I'm at a party...
280
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,968
I don't know,
I can't help myself.
281
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:28,467
I think they call it
nymphomania.
282
00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:29,968
Every man I see,
283
00:13:29,968 --> 00:13:34,400
I just can't
keep my clothes on.
284
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,601
Excuse me, sir.
285
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:40,033
Since I'm the one
buying the shoes,
286
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:42,000
don't you think you should
be measuring my foot?
287
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,634
I'm sorry.
She's the nymphomaniac.
288
00:13:45,634 --> 00:13:47,133
Excuse me, sir,
289
00:13:47,133 --> 00:13:50,601
but I'm going to do what
all of your customers do--
290
00:13:50,601 --> 00:13:52,601
Go to Morty's for shoes,
291
00:13:52,601 --> 00:13:55,100
where they have
much cuter salesmen,
292
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,601
and younger too.
293
00:13:56,601 --> 00:13:58,601
This guy
is pretty old.
294
00:13:58,601 --> 00:14:01,100
Maybe we should
go to Morty's.
295
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,901
I hope there is
a really cute guy there.
296
00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:05,300
Old or not,
in another second,
297
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,767
I would have been
all over this one.
298
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,801
Ta-ta!
299
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:20,534
Why, Peg, why?
300
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:24,334
Oh, because I thought I saw you
starting to look happy.
301
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:26,801
I was just pretending.
302
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,701
You of all people
know I'm not happy.
303
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,267
See, it's part of my job
304
00:14:30,267 --> 00:14:32,267
to make the customers
feel special.
305
00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:34,267
It's what I do,
and I'm proud of it.
306
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:36,100
I'm a pro. I care.
307
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,868
I need shoes.
308
00:14:40,868 --> 00:14:44,133
Yeah, the blacksmith's
right around the corner.
309
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:55,067
And now we're closed,
310
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:58,834
and much like my life,
my day is over.
311
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:00,801
Uh, Dad? In case
of an emergency,
312
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,934
where are
the other exits?
313
00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:04,934
There are
no other exits.
314
00:15:04,934 --> 00:15:06,434
But don't worry.
Nothing will happen.
315
00:15:06,434 --> 00:15:08,934
But if something does,
I've got keys right here...
316
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:11,434
so you can't
leave me behind.
317
00:15:11,434 --> 00:15:13,934
Now, everybody gets
a sleeping bag.
318
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:16,434
Don't rush. There's
one for everyone.
319
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:18,033
Gee, Al, this is great.
320
00:15:18,033 --> 00:15:20,534
When it gets dark,
can we all sit around a boot
321
00:15:20,534 --> 00:15:22,000
and tell ghost stories?
322
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,901
We've got canned meat
from the survival store,
323
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,901
we've got games
from the toy store,
324
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:30,734
and most importantly,
we've got each other.
325
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:34,801
Family, we're going to have
the time of our lives.
326
00:15:37,334 --> 00:15:40,868
Wow, what a nice
shoe store!
327
00:15:40,868 --> 00:15:43,868
What's the matter?
Aren't we having fun?
328
00:15:43,868 --> 00:15:47,901
Frankly, Daddy,
I'm all partied out.
329
00:15:47,901 --> 00:15:50,400
Oh, wow, look at the time.
330
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,934
It's 8:30. I know I'm beat.
331
00:15:52,934 --> 00:15:54,434
Why don't you guys turn in?
332
00:15:54,434 --> 00:15:57,300
If I'm going to do any studying,
I'll need quiet.
333
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:00,400
Hey, look. The movie
at the mallplex
334
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,334
must have
just let out.
335
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:11,901
What's the matter?
336
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:16,901
Haven't you ever seen a family
living in a shoe store before?
337
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:18,968
A lousy eight bucks.
338
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:21,968
He would not put up a lousy
eight bucks for a hotel.
339
00:16:21,968 --> 00:16:23,234
He's a cheap--
340
00:16:23,234 --> 00:16:24,567
Good night, everybody.
341
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:27,601
And you single guys out there,
remember,
342
00:16:27,601 --> 00:16:30,400
this could happen to you.
343
00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:37,434
Peg, that's Morty.
344
00:16:37,434 --> 00:16:39,434
Aw, don't worry, honey.
You got me.
345
00:16:39,434 --> 00:16:41,300
Ha, ha, ha.
Right.
346
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:44,767
Hey, Morty, look what I got.
347
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:45,634
Eat your heart out, buddy.
348
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:56,767
Well, Peg, I'm depressed
enough now to go to bed.
349
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,300
Don't you mean
go to bag, honey?
350
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:02,901
Oh, I knew we should have
stayed in a hotel.
351
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:04,200
Yeah, yeah.
352
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,801
Hey, listen. Don't mess
up these sleeping bags.
353
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:07,234
I borrowed them.
354
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,868
And watch what you do
with those tags,
355
00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:13,767
because if I lose them,
I've got to pay for them.
356
00:17:16,033 --> 00:17:18,868
You guys go to sleep.
I'm trying to study.
357
00:17:18,868 --> 00:17:21,567
Oh, then won't you need
these books?
358
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:28,901
Oh, God, I was studying so hard,
I thought I had them.
359
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:31,634
Ow!
360
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,501
Sorry.
361
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:35,767
Dad, Kelly stepped on me.
362
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:38,234
Get used to it, son.
They do that your whole life.
363
00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:40,167
Ow!
364
00:17:51,501 --> 00:17:54,567
Maybe we should have
stayed at a hotel.
365
00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:57,067
Daddy, go to sleep.
366
00:17:57,067 --> 00:18:00,601
I can't. I got a furball
in my throat.
367
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:03,801
Ah, it's not just that.
368
00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:06,100
[GAGGING]
369
00:18:10,033 --> 00:18:12,534
I just feel bad about
grounding you and everything
370
00:18:12,534 --> 00:18:14,033
and making you study.
371
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:17,033
I just want you
to do your best.
372
00:18:17,033 --> 00:18:19,300
Right, Daddy.
Go to sleep.
373
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:20,968
Eh, I'm bored.
374
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:22,901
Listen, is there anything
that, you know,
375
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:25,300
you want to talk about
that's bothering you?
376
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:28,267
Do it now, because when
we get home, I won't care.
377
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:31,934
Everything's great.
Go to sleep.
378
00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:33,934
I can't.
I'm not tired.
379
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:39,601
Okay, well,
since you're up,
380
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:42,601
there is something
I'd like to talk about.
381
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:43,934
I have been having
382
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:45,100
these menstrual problems
lately--
383
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:49,934
Oh, boy, I'm tired.
384
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:53,601
I think I'll hit the sack.
385
00:18:53,601 --> 00:18:56,601
Oh, listen, hon,
stay away from the door,
386
00:18:56,601 --> 00:18:59,434
because the electric eye is on.
It's real sensitive.
387
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:00,934
The alarm will go off.
388
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:03,400
Hee, hee, hee, hee.
389
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:07,267
Hey, Peg.
390
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:10,734
I'm bored. Want to do it?
391
00:19:15,634 --> 00:19:18,634
Al, the kids are here.
392
00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:22,467
Okay, but remember I asked.
393
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:25,334
See you in the fall.
394
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,567
[SNORING]
395
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:27,634
You are the lowest.
396
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:30,968
Stealing from Daddy?
Oh, God...
397
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,868
I'm over the wall.
398
00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:42,534
Well, how are you going
to get past the electric eye?
399
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:45,400
The same way you get
your dates-- crawl.
400
00:20:47,934 --> 00:20:50,467
[GROANING]
401
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:02,801
Those damn mannequins
look like hookers.
402
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,834
See you in Jamaica.
403
00:21:37,033 --> 00:21:39,634
[TOILET FLUSHES]
404
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:45,801
Uh...green meat attack.
405
00:21:47,868 --> 00:21:50,968
[DOG GROWLS]
406
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:52,300
What's that, Dad?
407
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:54,267
Ah, that's Satan,
the mall guard dog.
408
00:21:54,267 --> 00:21:57,033
Don't worry about it.
He can't get in here.
409
00:21:57,033 --> 00:21:59,934
It's a good thing too.
He's a real killer.
410
00:22:05,834 --> 00:22:09,968
[BARKING]
411
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:18,334
Better than any concert
I've ever seen.
412
00:22:43,534 --> 00:22:45,567
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:22,367
Ooh, I'm starving.
21
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:23,701
Where's Mom?
22
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:25,234
I don't know.
23
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:28,968
Go out and play.
24
00:01:28,968 --> 00:01:30,601
What are you hiding?
25
00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:33,334
Nothing.
26
00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:36,334
You have food there.
I know it.
27
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:37,868
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
28
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,901
Tang residue.
29
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,968
You glutton.
30
00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:45,334
Ah, another great morning.
31
00:01:45,334 --> 00:01:47,834
Didn't sleep at all last night
32
00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:50,334
with Steve's
stupid car alarm going off.
33
00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:52,334
Off course, then
that wakes up your mother,
34
00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:54,033
and I got to talk to her.
35
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,334
You almost lost your daddy
last night, kids.
36
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:00,634
What are you hiding?
37
00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,167
Nothing.
38
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,334
Finished off the Tang
on me again, eh?
39
00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:08,934
Well,
40
00:02:08,934 --> 00:02:11,934
your dad still has
a few tricks left
41
00:02:11,934 --> 00:02:13,868
in his tired old body.
42
00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:21,868
Tang wipe.
43
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:28,167
Good morning, everyone.
44
00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:30,300
Boy, am I stuffed.
45
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,334
You know,
you've just got to try
46
00:02:32,334 --> 00:02:34,534
that slam dunk breakfast
at Kippy's.
47
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:37,133
Pancakes, bacon,
sausage, eggs.
48
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:41,634
I finally had to say stop,
I can't eat anymore.
49
00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:44,033
Peg, what do you do
50
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,033
with all the money
I give you for food?
51
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,934
I just told you.
52
00:02:48,934 --> 00:02:49,934
[DOORBELL RINGS]
53
00:02:49,934 --> 00:02:51,033
Peg, you want to get that?
54
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:52,534
It's probably the homeless
55
00:02:52,534 --> 00:02:54,434
on their
"It Could Be Worse" tour.
56
00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:02,501
Hi. I just stopped by
to apologize
57
00:03:02,501 --> 00:03:05,033
if Steve's car alarm
kept you up last night.
58
00:03:05,033 --> 00:03:06,367
He's out of town,
59
00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:09,534
and it's his first night away
from his new Mercedes,
60
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:11,534
so he set his alarm
on ultra-sensitive.
61
00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:15,033
The slightest touch,
and it goes off all night.
62
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:18,067
Does it have
a brother?
63
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:21,200
Look, I'm sorry,
but you can't blame him.
64
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:24,200
It's a magnificent
piece of machinery.
65
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:25,567
So how does it drive?
66
00:03:25,567 --> 00:03:28,667
How should I know?
He won't let me near it.
67
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,234
Well, consider
yourself lucky.
68
00:03:30,234 --> 00:03:33,734
The thing you can't touch
is in the garage.
69
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,200
Mine is in the bedroom.
70
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,467
Mom, Bud found
a corn flake
71
00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:40,968
between the refrigerator
and the sink,
72
00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:42,801
and he won't share.
73
00:03:42,801 --> 00:03:44,267
Aw, this is ridiculous.
74
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,667
Come on, kids,
75
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:47,667
this may be against
everything I believe in,
76
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:49,467
but I'm taking you
out to breakfast.
77
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,968
Oh!
All right!
78
00:03:50,968 --> 00:03:52,567
Now, kids,
when we get to the restaurant,
79
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:53,968
something strange will happen.
80
00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:56,501
A woman will bring you food.
81
00:03:56,501 --> 00:03:58,901
Now, uh...
82
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,033
don't be scared.
83
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,901
She's called a waitress.
84
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:06,100
That's just God's
alternative to mommies.
85
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,467
Boy, squabbling over a meal--
86
00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:10,734
thank God,
Steve's a liberated man
87
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,033
and cooks for me.
88
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,701
Why don't you cook
for the family, Al?
89
00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:17,734
Mom, no! Please!
90
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,434
Do you remember
last summer?
91
00:04:19,434 --> 00:04:20,834
Tortilla night?
92
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:22,501
And the resulting
plumbing problem?
93
00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:24,767
And I thought you loved us.
94
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:26,934
Come on, Dad.
95
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:31,400
I don't know why those tortillas
exploded like that.
96
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,033
You know, sometimes
I get so mad
97
00:04:34,033 --> 00:04:36,167
I could just
kill that man.
98
00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:39,100
I like to think
that I am.
99
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,234
I meant Steve.
100
00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:43,834
Peggy, when Al got his new car,
did he let you drive it?
101
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:44,968
A few times.
102
00:04:44,968 --> 00:04:46,801
Once, he had no brakes,
103
00:04:46,801 --> 00:04:49,567
and someone had to take it
to the mechanic.
104
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:51,434
Listen, Peggy,
can I borrow your car
105
00:04:51,434 --> 00:04:53,133
to go to
the supermarket?
106
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:55,167
My car doesn't go there.
107
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,067
What's wrong with your car?
108
00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:59,234
It's in the shop.
109
00:04:59,234 --> 00:05:00,634
Just take his car.
110
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,133
It's your car too.
111
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:04,133
Look, don't let him
start thinking
112
00:05:04,133 --> 00:05:06,133
he can have things
of his own.
113
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,467
It's the road to ruin.
114
00:05:08,467 --> 00:05:10,467
You know,
it's taken me 16 years,
115
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:16,133
but I am proud to say
that Al finally has nothing.
116
00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:19,133
Just go for a ride
in your Mercedes, Marce.
117
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,334
I don't know.
118
00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:22,133
I'd have to change
the seat and the mirrors.
119
00:05:22,133 --> 00:05:24,634
It took him weeks
to set them just right.
120
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:29,334
What do you care
what he wants?
121
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:32,667
Look, Al doesn't like me
blowing smoke in his eggs.
122
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:36,934
What am I supposed to do?
Stop smoking?
123
00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:37,934
You're right.
124
00:05:37,934 --> 00:05:39,033
Of course.
125
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:42,033
I'm taking his car
for a drive.
126
00:05:42,033 --> 00:05:44,534
You know what else
I'm going to do?
127
00:05:44,534 --> 00:05:47,534
Change all the preset
stations on his radio.
128
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:50,534
He's an idiot.
It is my car too.
129
00:05:50,534 --> 00:05:53,033
You know what else
I'm going to do?
130
00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:54,567
I'm gonna go
in reverse,
131
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:56,067
then shift into drive
132
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:57,567
without coming
to a complete stop.
133
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,200
Oh, man!
134
00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:01,834
Ahh.
135
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:05,767
Ahh.
136
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:08,534
Well, kids,
that was food.
137
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,367
Could you get used to it?
138
00:06:10,367 --> 00:06:11,767
Oh, Dad...
139
00:06:11,767 --> 00:06:14,868
It was cooked.
140
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:19,901
Yeah, pancakes
are better like that, son.
141
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:22,534
Hey, Mom,
142
00:06:22,534 --> 00:06:25,701
tomorrow, could you
make us some waffles?
143
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:28,167
[GIGGLES]
144
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,501
No.
145
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:31,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
146
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,567
By the way, kids,
147
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:35,467
any chance of you
cleaning your rooms today?
148
00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:37,467
[BOTH GIGGLE]
149
00:06:37,467 --> 00:06:38,801
No.
No.
150
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:47,167
Oh, hi, Marce.
How did the Mercedes drive?
151
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:48,601
You drove Steve's Mercedes?
152
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,133
What did you hit?
153
00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:53,067
You know, Al,
this may surprise you,
154
00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:56,067
but women today
are race car drivers,
155
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:59,100
pilots, astronauts,
anything we want to be.
156
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,334
We're just as good as men.
157
00:07:01,334 --> 00:07:03,501
What did you hit?
158
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:05,901
A fire hydrant.
159
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:08,033
What am I
going to do?
160
00:07:08,033 --> 00:07:09,968
Gee, I don't know.
161
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:12,834
You never should have
driven his car.
162
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:16,033
Steve is
gonna kill me.
163
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,033
I've tried
every body shop in town,
164
00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:19,701
and they can't fix it
till next week.
165
00:07:19,701 --> 00:07:20,901
Why bother?
166
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:23,100
I'll just tell
Steve the truth.
167
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,767
He'll be so happy
I wasn't hurt,
168
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:27,567
he'll throw his arms around me
and forgive me.
169
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,067
I'm going home right now
170
00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:31,300
so I can be there first thing
to tell Steve
171
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:32,467
when he walks in the door.
172
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:36,367
Would you like to hear
what happened to me
173
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,834
in the seventh grade?
174
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:39,868
Go home.
175
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:44,033
[CAR PULLING UP]
176
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:50,234
That's him.
177
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:53,334
Hide me. I'll pay you.
178
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:55,067
He's getting out.
179
00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:56,267
He's paying.
180
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,834
Now he's going into
the house-- No, no, no.
181
00:07:58,834 --> 00:08:00,300
It's the garage.
182
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:01,801
The car's in there!
183
00:08:01,801 --> 00:08:04,801
He'll never see the dent.
It's too dark.
184
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:07,634
STEVE: Aah!
185
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:09,167
Marcie!
186
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:12,000
She's in here, Steve!
187
00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:17,100
Marcie!
188
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,100
Oh, Steve, I'm sorry.
189
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:21,100
I'm so sorry.
190
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,234
You moved my seat.
191
00:08:24,534 --> 00:08:26,033
Uh, yes, I did.
192
00:08:26,033 --> 00:08:27,834
I'm sorry.
193
00:08:27,834 --> 00:08:31,033
I'm so sorry.
194
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:33,534
Oh, Steve,
I missed you so much.
195
00:08:33,534 --> 00:08:35,234
Let's never go home.
196
00:08:35,234 --> 00:08:37,467
No, Marcie, let's not
gloss over this.
197
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:38,701
You've done
a terrible thing.
198
00:08:38,701 --> 00:08:42,000
It took me weeks to get
that seat the way I like it,
199
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,801
It took me almost
as long as it took
200
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:44,868
to properly
adjust the mirrors
201
00:08:44,868 --> 00:08:46,167
and set
my radio stations.
202
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,167
How long will it
take you to adjust
203
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:51,968
the fire hydrant-shaped hole
she put in the passenger side?
204
00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:59,234
Whoops,
I spoiled Marcie's surprise.
205
00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:06,167
Al, did you
have to tell him?
206
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:08,601
You betcha.
207
00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:10,100
Oh, it'll be okay.
208
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,634
It's just a dent.
209
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:15,634
[STEVE SOBBING]
210
00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:17,634
What am I worried about?
211
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:21,434
My Mercedes!
My baby!
212
00:09:21,434 --> 00:09:22,934
Oh, he'll be fine.
213
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:24,934
See, whenever
Steve goes away overnight,
214
00:09:24,934 --> 00:09:27,434
he comes home
consumed with passion,
215
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:30,200
so all I have to do
is pretend that I am too.
216
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,501
He'll forget about that car,
217
00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:33,501
and we won't make it
of the bedroom until Monday.
218
00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:34,901
Gee, you know,
219
00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:36,501
the only time
Al and I ever spent
220
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:38,000
a weekend
in the bedroom
221
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,501
is when we were hiding
from the kids
222
00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:42,367
because we forgot
it was Christmas.
223
00:09:53,434 --> 00:09:54,801
Steve?
224
00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:56,868
Pumpkin?
225
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,601
I'm going to be
straightforward with you.
226
00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:05,100
I drove your car.
227
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,601
Let's go to bed.
228
00:10:06,601 --> 00:10:08,167
You're right.
229
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,100
I'll go home first,
230
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:11,601
I'll light
the candles,
231
00:10:11,601 --> 00:10:13,100
put on my nightie,
232
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,467
and...
233
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:18,868
brace myself.
234
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,767
Hey, let's stop
in the garage.
235
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:23,267
You know,
I haven't seen a good wreck
236
00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:26,834
since I backed
Al's car over our mailbox.
237
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:30,901
I mean,
since Kelly did that.
238
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:38,067
My car.
239
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,634
She touched it.
240
00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:43,200
Now it doesn't even
feel like it's mine anymore.
241
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,234
Yeah, I know,
I feel the same way
242
00:10:45,234 --> 00:10:47,901
about several parts
of my body.
243
00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:51,501
What am I saying?
244
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:53,000
The important thing
is Marcie's okay.
245
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,000
I mean, it's just
a car, right?
246
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,501
PEG: Whoa-ho-ho!
247
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,434
It cracked
like an egg!
248
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:17,334
You see, Al,
249
00:11:17,334 --> 00:11:18,634
There was no screaming
250
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,300
over at Steve and Marcie's
last night.
251
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,667
But I do the smallest thing,
and you yell at me for months.
252
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:26,234
No smoked toast?
253
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,100
[DOORBELL RINGS]
254
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,200
Well, Steve forgave me.
255
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,734
He's the most wonderful
man in the world.
256
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:41,734
Why can't you be
more like Steve?
257
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:43,901
And Steve's impotent.
258
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,834
My God.
259
00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:54,300
Al, you are like Steve.
260
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:02,834
Oh, Marcie.
It's only one night.
261
00:12:02,834 --> 00:12:05,000
Give it a reasonable
period of time.
262
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,167
You know, back in '74,
263
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:08,934
I thought Al
had that problem.
264
00:12:08,934 --> 00:12:11,767
but by '79,
it cleared up fine.
265
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,868
But Steve
is Mr. Ever-ready.
266
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:22,267
And we tried
six times last night.
267
00:12:22,267 --> 00:12:25,067
Six times in one night?
268
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:28,100
Did you hear that, Al?
269
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,501
Hey, give me some credit.
270
00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:32,701
I can fail six times too.
271
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:35,133
But Steve
never failed before.
272
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:36,667
Let's get to the bottom of this.
273
00:12:36,667 --> 00:12:40,067
The first time you tried,
was the light on?
274
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,300
Yes.
275
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,901
There you go-- he saw you.
276
00:12:46,901 --> 00:12:48,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
277
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,701
If that's Steve,
278
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:52,901
Please don't tell him you know
about his problem.
279
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:57,634
Hey, buddy. What's up?
280
00:12:57,634 --> 00:12:59,968
Oops, sorry.
281
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:08,234
I hope we didn't
keep you up last night.
282
00:13:08,234 --> 00:13:11,434
Oh, dear, what's that
in your pocket?
283
00:13:11,434 --> 00:13:12,868
My car keys.
284
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:20,200
What's the matter?
285
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,200
Ah, she's probably
overcome by the, uh...
286
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,667
six times we did it
last night.
287
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:29,434
[MARCY SOBBING]
Oh, no...
288
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,868
Yeah, Steve,
you're a real stallion.
289
00:13:33,968 --> 00:13:36,968
What say we go down
to the ice cream shop
290
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:39,868
and get a, uh... softie.
291
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,801
I can't believe you told them.
292
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:49,200
I'm sorry.
293
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,701
It's just that you were
once a mighty oak,
294
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,100
and now--
295
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,968
A hanging vine.
296
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,100
Uh, excuse me.
297
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,000
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
298
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,567
This is
a temporary thing
299
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:11,100
due to overwork, stress,
or, uh... over use.
300
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,100
I'm not
worried at all.
301
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:16,100
I'm going to go out,
pump some iron,
302
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,601
toss a football,
303
00:14:17,601 --> 00:14:20,534
let the girls see
what they can't have.
304
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:24,734
I mean, because I'm married.
305
00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:27,734
Not because I can't.
306
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,767
Because I can.
307
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,300
He can't, you know.
308
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:33,133
Peggy, what can I do
309
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:36,033
to make him the sexual
beast he was?
310
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,434
How would I know?
311
00:14:40,434 --> 00:14:42,901
There must be somebody
I can talk to.
312
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:44,434
Ahem.
313
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:46,267
Anybody.
314
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:49,767
Ahem.
315
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:52,501
Oh, God, no.
316
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:54,234
Well, he has been there.
317
00:14:54,234 --> 00:14:56,300
Peggy, would you
excuse us?
318
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,300
I'm about
to humiliate myself,
319
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,634
and I would prefer
no witnesses.
320
00:15:00,634 --> 00:15:02,167
Sure, Marcie,
I understand.
321
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:04,667
And you're doing
the right thing.
322
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,667
If you want to know
about a hanging vine,
323
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,667
come to
a withered birch.
324
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,634
Take it away, Al.
325
00:15:15,334 --> 00:15:18,534
Well, Marcie,
what can I do for you?
326
00:15:18,534 --> 00:15:22,534
I need to know how
to turn a man on.
327
00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:25,033
Well, I'm not
a plastic surgeon,
328
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:27,367
but I'll do what I can.
329
00:15:29,634 --> 00:15:33,133
See, Marcie,
you touched Steve's car.
330
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:36,133
Now, what did Steve
ask you not to do?
331
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:37,634
Touch his car.
332
00:15:37,634 --> 00:15:39,133
What did you do?
333
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,467
Touched his car.
334
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:41,801
I can't hear you.
335
00:15:41,801 --> 00:15:43,801
I touched his car.
So what?
336
00:15:43,801 --> 00:15:45,834
Well...
So you disobeyed a man,
337
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:49,901
which means you weren't
doing your job as a woman.
338
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:53,968
See, the thing is...
339
00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:55,467
women don't understand
340
00:15:55,467 --> 00:15:57,968
that men don't
really need them.
341
00:15:57,968 --> 00:16:00,467
See, if you want
to talk to someone,
342
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:01,968
you talk to the guys.
343
00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:04,467
If you want to have some fun,
you go with the guys.
344
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:06,367
You want sex, you...
345
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:10,467
reminisce with the guys.
346
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:12,334
Now let's get back to women.
347
00:16:12,334 --> 00:16:13,367
What are they for?
348
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:14,734
The two "C"s.
349
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:15,968
Cooking.
350
00:16:15,968 --> 00:16:18,734
Kitchen.
351
00:16:18,734 --> 00:16:21,801
Al, I'm amazed
your knuckles don't bleed
352
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:23,834
when you walk.
353
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,868
Good day, Marcie.
354
00:16:27,868 --> 00:16:29,367
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
355
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:30,868
Go on.
356
00:16:30,868 --> 00:16:32,067
Very well.
357
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:35,067
So we've established
that we don't need you.
358
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,501
Now...
359
00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:38,868
let's ask ourselves
360
00:16:38,868 --> 00:16:42,267
What the heck
do we keep you around for?
361
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,767
It's because we're optimists.
362
00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:47,501
We believe
that you can change.
363
00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:52,167
The world renowned social
scientist Mr. Hugh Hefner
364
00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:55,501
has made great strides
in that area.
365
00:16:55,501 --> 00:16:59,033
Get to it, Java Man.
366
00:16:59,033 --> 00:17:00,367
Very well.
367
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:03,367
Marcie, your problem is
you're not servile enough.
368
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:06,367
Young lady, if you want
to save your marriage,
369
00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:09,367
you're going to have to learn
to compromise a little.
370
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:10,868
Put down that briefcase,
371
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:14,334
pick up a dishrag,
and be a woman.
372
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,834
Al, I can only say this.
373
00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:18,834
There may be
something alive
374
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:21,334
with fewer brain cells
than you,
375
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:24,334
but whatever it is,
wherever it is,
376
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:27,601
I'm sure its name
is "Bundy".
377
00:17:27,601 --> 00:17:29,734
You should be
on all fours,
378
00:17:29,734 --> 00:17:34,901
pulling a wagon full of Borax
across the desert.
379
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:36,601
You are compost.
380
00:17:36,601 --> 00:17:38,100
You are phlegm.
381
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:41,200
You are a true pork product.
382
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,701
You going to take my advice?
383
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,934
Yes.
384
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,868
Thank you, Al,
for your time and help.
385
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,968
Pig.
386
00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:57,801
Feel good?
387
00:17:57,801 --> 00:17:58,968
Mm, yes.
388
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:00,968
But that's really
not necessary.
389
00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:05,167
No. I want to.
390
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,667
It's just that
I feel uncomfortable
391
00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:09,167
having you do that.
392
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:10,667
Want me to stop?
393
00:18:10,667 --> 00:18:11,834
No.
394
00:18:11,834 --> 00:18:13,000
Great.
395
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,501
The potatoes
are a little bland.
396
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:17,200
Where's the salt?
397
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:21,167
Didn't I bring it up
on one of my six trips?
398
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:25,267
No, but I...
guess I don't really...
399
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,601
need it.
400
00:18:27,601 --> 00:18:29,534
Never mind.
I'll get it.
401
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:31,400
No trouble at all.
402
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:37,334
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING
UP STAIRS]
403
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:56,467
Mm!
404
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,701
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
405
00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:01,133
Thanks, dear.
You're a good wife.
406
00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:05,467
Oh, thank you, darling.
407
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:07,968
What would you like
to do now?
408
00:19:07,968 --> 00:19:09,133
Want to talk?
409
00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:10,934
Sure.
410
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:14,834
I had the most interesting day
at work on Friday.
411
00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:16,434
I vacuumed today.
412
00:19:16,434 --> 00:19:19,467
Really? What else
did you do?
413
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:20,968
Well, I took a toothbrush
414
00:19:20,968 --> 00:19:22,367
to the grout
and the bathroom tile
415
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:24,868
and scrubbed out
all the stains.
416
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:26,868
It was kind
of therapeutic
417
00:19:26,868 --> 00:19:30,834
after relining
your blazers.
418
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:32,000
Mm.
419
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,000
Oh, Marcie, could you
turn up the heat?
420
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,501
Just one degree.
421
00:19:36,501 --> 00:19:38,901
Sure. No trouble at all.
422
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:43,100
And if you're still cold,
423
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,868
I could strap you
to the radiator spread-eagle.
424
00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:49,767
Comfy?
425
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:51,234
Eh.
426
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:54,434
What would you like
for dinner tomorrow?
427
00:19:54,434 --> 00:19:58,400
Oh, I don't know.
Something simple.
428
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,501
How about beef Wellington
and baked Alaska?
429
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,934
On a work night?
430
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,934
I mean, I guess I could
get up early,
431
00:20:05,934 --> 00:20:07,334
and go to the market
before work,
432
00:20:07,334 --> 00:20:09,868
and then come home at lunch
and grind the goose liver,
433
00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,868
separate the eggs,
and make the pastry dough.
434
00:20:11,868 --> 00:20:15,367
I should be able to have it
on the table by 8:00.
435
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,100
I don't like
to eat that late.
436
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,067
Then I just won't sleep.
437
00:20:20,067 --> 00:20:24,167
You sure
it's no trouble?
438
00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:27,167
No.
439
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:28,667
I love to cook.
440
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:29,834
Oh, Marcie.
441
00:20:29,834 --> 00:20:31,000
Mm.
442
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000
And I love to clean.
443
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,300
Oh, Marcie.
444
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:38,367
And I'll never touch
your car again.
445
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:39,534
Oh, Marcie!
446
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:41,133
Mm.
447
00:20:41,133 --> 00:20:43,601
Oh, Steve.
448
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:46,968
Oh, Steve!
449
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:52,133
And tonight
she's making me
450
00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:54,133
beef Wellington
and baked Alaska.
451
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:58,000
Boy, I wish
I had a wife.
452
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:02,400
Steve, I'm having some problems
with the baked Alaska.
453
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,100
I got plain vanilla ice cream
instead of French vanilla.
454
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:10,367
That's okay.
455
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:12,267
Never mind.
I'll get it.
456
00:21:12,267 --> 00:21:14,834
It's just that
my car is still in the shop.
457
00:21:14,834 --> 00:21:16,601
Can I use your--
458
00:21:18,968 --> 00:21:21,467
Never mind. I'll walk.
459
00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:25,968
A brisk four-mile jaunt
should do me good.
460
00:21:27,834 --> 00:21:30,834
Oh, did I mention
I wanted whipped cream?
461
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:33,834
Oh, well. I'll
send her back out.
462
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,834
Al, I don't know
how I can ever thank you.
463
00:21:36,834 --> 00:21:40,601
This impotence
scheme of yours
464
00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:42,801
has given me a wife
I never even dreamed existed.
465
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:55,934
I got to tell you, though,
it was rough faking failure.
466
00:21:55,934 --> 00:21:57,934
But thanks
for the advice.
467
00:21:57,934 --> 00:21:59,467
Trying to figure out
468
00:21:59,467 --> 00:22:01,968
why Bruce Willis
is a star really helped.
469
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:06,501
I got plenty of them.
470
00:22:06,501 --> 00:22:08,868
Did you do the salt bit?
Yup.
471
00:22:08,868 --> 00:22:09,868
The thermostat?
472
00:22:09,868 --> 00:22:11,767
One degree.
473
00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:13,167
Nice twist.
474
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:15,968
How long do you think
I can play this thing out?
475
00:22:15,968 --> 00:22:18,467
Until you get
the car fixed.
476
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:20,968
When are you
going to take it in?
477
00:22:20,968 --> 00:22:22,133
Couple of weeks.
478
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:24,901
Hell, maybe not
for a couple months.
479
00:22:24,901 --> 00:22:28,200
After all, the dent's not
even on the driver's side.
480
00:22:41,701 --> 00:22:43,801
[***]1
00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:05,667
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,868 --> 00:00:18,701
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,701 --> 00:00:21,400
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,300
* Go together like
A horse and carriage *
5
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:29,467
* This I tell ya, brother *
6
00:00:29,467 --> 00:00:33,934
* You can't have one
Without the other *
7
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:36,167
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:38,801
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:43,067
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:47,000
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:51,434
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,434 --> 00:00:56,300
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
13
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:59,934
* It's an illusion *
14
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:06,801
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
15
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:08,534
* To this conclusion *
16
00:01:08,534 --> 00:01:10,534
* Love and marriage **
17
00:01:17,601 --> 00:01:20,033
Hey, Peg. What's
for breakfast?
18
00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:21,200
Nothing.
19
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,767
We had that
yesterday....
20
00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:26,801
But you sure know
how to make it.
21
00:01:26,801 --> 00:01:30,200
Whose mail did the mailman
bring by mistake today?
22
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,701
Steve and Marcie's.
23
00:01:31,701 --> 00:01:33,200
They get such good magazines.
24
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,667
Should we keep their
Architectural Digest?
25
00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,968
Aw, why not? It'll impress
Steve and Marcie
26
00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:40,968
when they see it
on our couch.
27
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,467
What else did we get?
28
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:44,033
Well, here's a letter
29
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:45,968
from Steve's friend
in West Germany
30
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:47,968
that he
plays chess with.
31
00:01:47,968 --> 00:01:49,634
Oh, look. It's
Steve's turn.
32
00:01:49,634 --> 00:01:51,033
Let's see.
33
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:55,734
I think I'll move the
queen over here...
34
00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:58,167
where
no one else is.
35
00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,901
I know that's where
I'd like to be.
36
00:02:00,901 --> 00:02:02,901
Since you're
doing your life,
37
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:04,334
why don't you
lay the king down
38
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:06,434
and have those two horses
run back and forth over him?
39
00:02:07,968 --> 00:02:09,501
One move at a time, Al.
40
00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:11,000
Hey, look at this.
41
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,000
Steve and Marcie got invited
to fill out an application
42
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,968
for some new TV game show,
How Do I Love Thee?
43
00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:18,467
Oh, that's that game
show for newlyweds.
44
00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:21,467
Yeah, it's coming
to Chicago for one week only.
45
00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:23,000
We'll keep that.
46
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,567
We'll have fun filling
it out for them.
47
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:27,501
Hey, look at this.
48
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:28,934
Steve and Marcie's phone bill
is $200.
49
00:02:28,934 --> 00:02:32,968
What a pair of morons to spend
that much time on the phone.
50
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:35,734
Look. There must be 100 calls
to 976 numbers.
51
00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:37,033
What losers.
52
00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:39,501
That's our phone bill, Al.
53
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,767
Hey, Mom, my clothes,
they smell...clean.
54
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:50,267
And my sweater, you can
tell what color it is.
55
00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:51,267
Yeah, look.
56
00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:56,901
You got those grass
stains off the back.
57
00:02:56,901 --> 00:03:00,367
I told you, I fell.
58
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:02,868
That's it, kids.
Let's hear it for your mom.
59
00:03:02,868 --> 00:03:04,400
We're always quick
to criticize her
60
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,400
when she doesn't wash or cook
or clean or scrub, or...
61
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,901
Well, let's face it.
She does nothing.
62
00:03:09,901 --> 00:03:11,901
But you've got to admit,
after all these years,
63
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:15,801
she's finally found a way
how to get our clothes clean.
64
00:03:15,801 --> 00:03:17,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
65
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,434
Here's your laundry.
66
00:03:22,434 --> 00:03:24,934
I'm sorry it took so long,
67
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:29,067
but Al's shorts were
particularly tricky today.
68
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:33,601
Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
69
00:03:33,601 --> 00:03:36,200
Good work,
Mrs. Rhoades.
70
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:41,701
Look, Peggy, I know your
washing machine's broken,
71
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:44,467
but when I offered
to help 16 days ago,
72
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,634
I thought Al would have
fixed it by now.
73
00:03:46,634 --> 00:03:50,067
Yeah, me too,
but then I just gave up.
74
00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:53,133
I'll get you today's load,
Marce.
75
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:56,601
Oh. You get
Architectural Digest?
76
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:59,968
We used to.
I wonder what happened.
77
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,501
Well, maybe you
should resubscribe.
78
00:04:02,501 --> 00:04:05,000
It's an excellent magazine.
79
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
80
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:08,000
You want to get that, Marcie?
81
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,033
Uh, Marcie, before
I go to work...
82
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,534
I was
just wondering.
83
00:04:21,534 --> 00:04:24,033
You think you
could find some time
84
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:26,501
to do any
of my laundry?
85
00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:29,434
Look, Steve.
I have a job too, you know.
86
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:31,100
I'm putting a stop
to this right now.
87
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,701
I thought I hit
a new low yesterday
88
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:34,801
when I went to work
in my Nehru jacket,
89
00:04:34,801 --> 00:04:37,300
but obviously
I was mistaken.
90
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:38,801
Take your own crusted laundry,
91
00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:42,467
beat it against a rock,
but keep it out of our house.
92
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:44,667
But our washing
machine's broken.
93
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:45,801
No, it isn't.
94
00:04:45,801 --> 00:04:47,033
It's married to me,
and I'm taking it back.
95
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:49,834
Hey, look, Steve,
what do you want us to do?
96
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:51,467
Start paying
for the detergent?
97
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:53,734
They weren't paying
for detergent?
98
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:57,934
Well, I felt
uncomfortable asking.
99
00:04:57,934 --> 00:04:59,868
Well, the free ride
is over.
100
00:04:59,868 --> 00:05:01,267
Hey, here's a radical thought.
101
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:03,267
Why don't you take your laundry
to the Laundromat
102
00:05:03,267 --> 00:05:04,367
and do it yourself?
103
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:08,334
Ha ha! I'm not going
to the Laundromat.
104
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:10,801
Why don't you buy
a new washing machine?
105
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,801
Gee, Steve, I'm a little
short this week.
106
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:15,300
I got my paycheck.
107
00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:21,334
Well, maybe we could
loan you the money--
108
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:22,868
Excuse us.
109
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,834
No. Please.
110
00:05:27,834 --> 00:05:29,534
Money is
important to me.
111
00:05:29,534 --> 00:05:30,767
They are not.
112
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:33,801
Oh, Steve.
It's only $500.
113
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,334
It's worth it.
114
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:38,300
Have you seen
their laundry?
115
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,300
Marcie, I am putting
my foot down.
116
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:43,300
That is, if it's
okay with you.
117
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:47,300
That $500 is going
for a super VHS...
118
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:51,167
for the bedroom.
119
00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:52,501
Oh, Steve.
120
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:55,434
Well, it was going
to be a surprise.
121
00:05:55,434 --> 00:05:57,000
You're wonderful.
122
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,033
To hell with them.
123
00:06:00,033 --> 00:06:02,734
Could we have
a loan from your bank?
124
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:07,100
Gee, I hate them.
125
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,601
Well, so much
for clean clothes.
126
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:12,601
Peg, I didn't want
to say this in front of them,
127
00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:15,467
but you could go
to the Laundromat.
128
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:16,968
Oh, be serious, Al.
129
00:06:16,968 --> 00:06:19,133
Now, what are we going to do?
130
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:21,434
I don't know, Peg,
but I'll tell you one thing.
131
00:06:21,434 --> 00:06:22,968
They're not getting
their mail from me.
132
00:06:22,968 --> 00:06:24,100
I know.
133
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,267
Why don't we burn
that application
134
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:26,567
to the game show?
135
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:30,067
You know, Al, they give away
prizes on those shows.
136
00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:32,434
Ha ha. Even better.
They won't get any now.
137
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:33,934
No, honey.
138
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:36,434
I mean prizes, you know,
like washing machines.
139
00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:38,434
Look, Peg, they don't
need one.
140
00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:42,467
Listen, Machiavelli,
all we have to do
141
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:45,868
is fill out that application
as Steve and Marcie,
142
00:06:45,868 --> 00:06:48,133
put our address down
as their address,
143
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:50,033
and get on the show.
144
00:06:50,033 --> 00:06:52,868
Yeah. Maybe we could
win a washer/dryer.
145
00:06:52,868 --> 00:06:58,100
Wow.
146
00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,167
That's much
better than my idea
147
00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:02,133
of going on the show,
losing,
148
00:07:02,133 --> 00:07:03,501
and coming home
with nothing.
149
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:05,801
Well, you know, someone's
got to do the thinking
150
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,400
for us, Peg.
151
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:10,801
[***]
152
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:21,767
[APPLAUSE]
153
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:25,334
Hello there, and welcome
to How Do I Love Thee?
154
00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:27,501
the game show
that dares to ask
155
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:30,534
"How do I love thee?"
156
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,200
For those of you
who are totally ignorant
157
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,133
of today's superstars,
158
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:36,200
I'm Bink Winkleman.
159
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,667
[FAINT APPLAUSE]
160
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:42,367
Thank you.
161
00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:44,167
Here's our own
little piece of fluff
162
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:46,834
that the network
thrust upon me--
163
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,868
the lovely Zelda.
164
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:51,601
[APPLAUSE]
165
00:07:57,901 --> 00:07:59,901
Yes, soon to be
appearing naked
166
00:07:59,901 --> 00:08:03,634
in Squish magazine.
167
00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:06,133
Now, just a little reminder
of what we're all about.
168
00:08:06,133 --> 00:08:07,801
We take two
newly married couples
169
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:09,267
and find out how much
170
00:08:09,267 --> 00:08:10,734
they're willing to
torture their loved ones
171
00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:12,934
for cheap prizes.
172
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:15,467
Sound good? You betcha!
173
00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:18,033
Then let
the games begin!
174
00:08:18,033 --> 00:08:21,334
Right, Bink.
175
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,667
Okay.
176
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:26,667
Now let's meet
our loving couples.
177
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,968
First, from
Cow Lake, Wisconsin,
178
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:30,901
they've been married
16 months.
179
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,100
He's a TV repairman.
180
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,400
She's a directory
assistance operator.
181
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,501
Meet Roland
and Mona Squab!
182
00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:39,167
[APPLAUSE]
183
00:08:46,634 --> 00:08:49,200
And their opponents
from Chicago, Illinois,
184
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,601
married 13 months.
185
00:08:50,601 --> 00:08:52,234
He's a banker.
She's a bankette.
186
00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:54,334
Meet lovebirds
Steve and Marcie Rhoades.
187
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,501
[APPLAUSE]
188
00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:11,734
God, I love you.
189
00:09:11,734 --> 00:09:13,901
Come on now,
Mr. Rhoades.
190
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,634
Leave the lovely
Zelda alone.
191
00:09:16,634 --> 00:09:18,834
Who knows where
she's been?
192
00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:23,300
Okay, any questions
before we get to our game?
193
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:24,334
Uh, yeah.
194
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:27,567
Hey, Bink, do you
know Bob Barker?
195
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,300
Okay.
196
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:32,133
Let's play How
Do I Love Thee?
197
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:34,133
Lovely Zelda,
will you take our wives
198
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:36,634
over to our
love test area?
199
00:09:36,634 --> 00:09:37,567
Right, Bink.
200
00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:44,968
We can't bear
to be apart.
201
00:09:44,968 --> 00:09:47,300
AUDIENCE: Aww...
202
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,868
Mr. Rhoades, would you like
to kiss your wife goodbye?
203
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:53,367
Only if it really
was goodbye.
204
00:09:57,133 --> 00:10:01,133
Okay, husbands, now, we know
you love your little fillies.
205
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:05,000
Let's see how much you love
our first little prize.
206
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,033
What's the prize,
lovely Zelda?
207
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:10,767
It's a bowling ball, Bink.
208
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,534
A pretty one.
209
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:21,734
Okay, hubbies,
let's earn those balls.
210
00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:33,400
Now, the man who's willing
to set aside his love
211
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,701
and spin his wife
the fastest
212
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,267
wins the ball.
213
00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:41,601
Uh, Steve, remember, honey,
you already have a bowling ball.
214
00:10:41,601 --> 00:10:45,133
Ready to spin, Bink!
215
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:46,634
Now, remember the coin toss,
Steve.
216
00:10:46,634 --> 00:10:49,400
Roland won the right
to go first.
217
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:50,901
Roland?
218
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,567
It's for
a bowling ball, dear.
219
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:57,501
You deserve it.
220
00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:02,100
[***]
221
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:09,367
I couldn't bear to see her
up there like that, Bink.
222
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:12,901
You came to play,
Roland.
223
00:11:12,901 --> 00:11:18,000
Steve, do you think you
can beat 1/4 of a turn?
224
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,501
Well, let us see,
shall we?
225
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,968
Uh...Steve, it won't
take much to win now.
226
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,133
All you have to do
is spin me--
227
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,133
Aah!
228
00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:32,400
Aah!
229
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,968
Whoa! You really like
bowling, eh, Steve?
230
00:11:36,968 --> 00:11:39,167
Well, what the hell?
231
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,634
It's all for fun,
right?
232
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:43,000
Give me
my bowling ball.
233
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,133
Looks like Marcie's
going to be spinning
234
00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:47,634
for a while,
235
00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:49,934
so why don't we take
a little commercial break?
236
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:53,033
Don't go away.
I know Marcie won't.
237
00:11:53,033 --> 00:11:54,067
[***]
238
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,834
[PEG SCREAMING]
239
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:05,567
[***]
240
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:10,467
Looks like Marcie's
off the wheel.
241
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:12,601
Let's bring her out.
242
00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:18,934
Over this way, Marcie.
243
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:30,334
Come on now, kids.
244
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:33,767
Marcie, your chance
is coming up right now.
245
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,367
Lovely Zelda,
246
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:38,501
would you like to take
our husbands backstage?
247
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:40,567
Right, Bink.
248
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,601
Bink, Steve won't let me touch
the lovely Zelda.
249
00:12:50,601 --> 00:12:54,167
Well, then, you won't be
at the clinic getting a shot.
250
00:12:59,434 --> 00:13:02,067
Okay, lovely Zelda, would you
like to show our ladies
251
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,634
What they'll
be competing for?
252
00:13:03,634 --> 00:13:05,868
It's this lovely watch.
253
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,000
You got to wonder
what she'd do
254
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:19,467
if it was a lovely hat.
255
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,000
All right, ladies, would you
like that watch?
256
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,100
It's swell, Bink.
257
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,434
Marcie?
258
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:27,434
Oh, Bink, that's the prettiest
watch I've ever seen.
259
00:13:27,434 --> 00:13:30,834
All my life I've wanted
a watch like that.
260
00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:32,868
Nail him
to the wheel, Bink.
261
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:35,100
No wheel this time, Marcie.
262
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,367
Lovely Zelda,
the curtain, if you please.
263
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:46,367
We call this
a heavy problem.
264
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,267
Lovely Zelda, would you
bring out the fat women, please?
265
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:58,367
Now, the idea here is this.
266
00:13:58,367 --> 00:13:59,868
Your wives will determine
267
00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:02,367
how many of these
full-figured women
268
00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:05,467
will get to sit
on top of you.
269
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,901
We quit, Bink.
270
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:10,033
Pour them on, Bink!
271
00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:13,067
Remember, the wife
that cries "uncle" first
272
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:14,334
loses her chance
at the watch.
273
00:14:14,334 --> 00:14:16,167
But Roland could be hurt.
274
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:19,033
That's what we're here for.
275
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,868
Do we want to talk,
276
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:23,501
or do we want
to squash some man?
277
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:25,267
AUDIENCE: Squash! Squash!
278
00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:27,534
You're a lucky man.
279
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,100
All right, ladies,
you're in charge.
280
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,868
Mona, go for it.
281
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:37,701
But, Bink, they're
so...large.
282
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:39,200
God, you're dull.
283
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,334
All right, Marcie, want to
show her how it's done?
284
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:47,133
You betcha, Bink!
Start the herd!
285
00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:51,567
That's one ton!
286
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:54,634
That's two tons!
287
00:14:54,634 --> 00:14:57,667
That's three tons!
288
00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:01,167
Gee, this is so much fun.
Come on, gals.
289
00:15:03,801 --> 00:15:07,934
Aah!
290
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:10,734
How you doing
down there, Steve?
291
00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:16,567
I can taste my spleen.
292
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,767
Well, Mrs. Rhoades,
293
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:21,067
looks like
you won the watch.
294
00:15:23,501 --> 00:15:26,934
Hi, Mom.
295
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,968
You want to go
for the record?
296
00:15:28,968 --> 00:15:30,801
Why not, Bink?
297
00:15:30,801 --> 00:15:33,534
Here comes Bertha.
298
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:42,000
Well, it's time to
bid adieu to the Squabs.
299
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,133
Goodbye, Squabs.
300
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:47,100
We lost, Mona.
301
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,567
I don't care,
sweetheart.
302
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:50,300
I just couldn't bear
the thought of you
303
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,367
in the killer bee
booth.
304
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:56,868
[APPLAUSE]
305
00:15:56,868 --> 00:16:00,734
By the way, you're
an excellent player.
306
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:04,834
Hmm. Well, we can always
use another toaster.
307
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:08,133
Well, Mrs. Rhoades,
before we total up your prizes,
308
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:11,968
let's just see if your husband
is conscious yet.
309
00:16:11,968 --> 00:16:13,100
Lovely Zelda.
310
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,234
How are you feeling,
Mr. Rhoades?
311
00:16:23,234 --> 00:16:25,267
My tongue's
a little swollen
312
00:16:25,267 --> 00:16:27,234
from the bee stings,
Bink.
313
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:31,000
Well, let's take a moment here
314
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,634
to find out
a little bit about you.
315
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:35,567
So, Steve, you're
in the bank biz.
316
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:36,567
What's it like?
317
00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:39,100
How the hell
would I know?
318
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:42,033
Ooh, irritable. Marcie?
319
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:44,634
Well, mostly we take out
these big fancy ads
320
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:47,300
telling people
to come for a loan,
321
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,167
and then we laugh at
them when they do.
322
00:16:50,167 --> 00:16:51,667
Now, what did we win?
323
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:54,667
Let's see. You won
the bowling ball, the watch,
324
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:56,033
and, of course,
325
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:58,234
your record-breaking stay
in the killer bee booth
326
00:16:58,234 --> 00:16:59,834
netted you a toaster,
327
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:01,033
but more important,
328
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,267
you're entitled
to this week's grand prize,
329
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:05,367
which is a washer/dryer!
330
00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:07,901
Oh! Ha ha ha ha!
331
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:09,634
Aah!
332
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:13,234
Happy, Steve?
333
00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:15,501
It's kind of hard
to talk here, Bink.
334
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:16,834
Okay.
335
00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:20,701
Marcie, you can take your prizes
and go home right now,
336
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:23,801
or you can risk
what you've won so far,
337
00:17:23,801 --> 00:17:26,200
send your husband back
into our torture chamber,
338
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,968
and go for
our super grand prize.
339
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:30,801
What is it? What
is it? What is it?
340
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:32,767
This brand-new car!
341
00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:38,200
Ohh! Ah ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha!
342
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,701
[LAUGHING]
343
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,701
Why don't you
just give her a rifle
344
00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:51,133
and have her shoot me?
345
00:17:51,133 --> 00:17:56,367
Too easy, Steve.
346
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,100
Now, remember, if you lose,
you lose everything,
347
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,400
but if you win,
you win everything.
348
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,234
What do you think
Marcie will do?
349
00:18:03,234 --> 00:18:07,634
I love it!
I love it! I love it!
350
00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:11,000
Gee, Bink,
I don't know.
351
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,100
We'll risk it, Bink.
352
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,067
She's some competitor,
eh, folks?
353
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:18,467
[APPLAUSE]
354
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,868
Ready, Steve?
355
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,968
What's it going to be, Bink,
356
00:18:26,968 --> 00:18:30,100
the old hand grenade
down the pants?
357
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,901
Spear in the pelvis?
358
00:18:31,901 --> 00:18:33,767
Impale me on a fence?
359
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:35,434
Come on, Bink, don't keep me
in suspense.
360
00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:37,701
The wife needs a new car.
361
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,934
Okay, Steve.
362
00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:41,234
You and Marcie
363
00:18:41,234 --> 00:18:44,067
are going to be going up against
an old married couple
364
00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:47,367
who may not love each other
as much as you and your bride.
365
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,634
As always, we picked them
366
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:50,968
from our studio audience
for the way
367
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,968
they filled out
our questionnaire,
368
00:18:52,968 --> 00:18:54,968
"why I hate my spouse."
369
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,901
From right here
in the windy city,
370
00:18:57,901 --> 00:18:59,501
He's a shoe salesman.
371
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:02,501
She's a waste
of a human life.
372
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:06,300
Married 16 years,
meet Al and Peggy Bundy!
373
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,868
[APPLAUSE]
374
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:24,000
Bundys, meet the Rhoades.
375
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:28,968
So, you stole our mail
and our names, huh?
376
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:29,968
How'd you find out?
377
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:33,033
Your kids sold you out
for a square meal.
378
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,000
How could you?
379
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,300
For prizes.
380
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,501
All right, now that you've
wished each other good luck,
381
00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:46,267
gentlemen...
to your electric chairs!
382
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:54,400
[***]
383
00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:02,234
I welcome death.
384
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,534
Steve, I didn't know
385
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:07,033
they'd have
electric chairs.
386
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,701
Doesn't matter,
Marcie.
387
00:20:08,701 --> 00:20:10,133
Juice me till I'm ash.
388
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:12,434
They're not
getting that car.
389
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,234
See you on the other side,
Rhoades.
390
00:20:25,234 --> 00:20:26,868
All right, ladies.
391
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:30,000
Now, when you're
turning up the dials,
392
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:36,300
remember, ease it up...
or you'll kill them.
393
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:39,334
Now, the one who cranks
the most juice into her hubby
394
00:20:39,334 --> 00:20:41,267
gets to drive off in that car,
395
00:20:41,267 --> 00:20:44,200
and, kids, remember,
don't try this at home.
396
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,200
Ready.
397
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,400
That car is ours.
398
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:51,334
You get that car
over Al's dead body.
399
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:53,300
All right, ladies,
we'll alternate.
400
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,267
Peggy, would you start us off?
401
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,434
Yaa! More!
402
00:20:58,434 --> 00:20:59,868
Marcie.
403
00:20:59,868 --> 00:21:02,400
Aah! Less!
404
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,167
We have 30 here, 35 here.
Do I hear 40?
405
00:21:06,167 --> 00:21:08,300
I don't think
I can.
406
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,100
A woman's place
is in the home.
407
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:12,300
Good! Good!
408
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:16,167
Hey, audience,
look at him twitch!
409
00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:19,167
[APPLAUSE]
410
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,167
I won't go
any higher.
411
00:21:21,167 --> 00:21:22,167
Will you?
412
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:24,033
No!
413
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:25,901
Aw, come on, honey.
414
00:21:25,901 --> 00:21:28,667
It's for a car!
415
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:35,667
What a car.
416
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:38,200
I can't wait
to drive it.
417
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,367
Oh, come on, Al.
418
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:42,300
Stop sulking
and get on in here.
419
00:22:04,267 --> 00:22:07,868
[TELEVISION TURNS ON]
420
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:10,167
Wow! It's so rad!
421
00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:14,100
How long is he going to
be able to do that?
422
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:16,567
Well, we're not really sure,
423
00:22:16,567 --> 00:22:20,133
but don't give him
any water.
424
00:22:20,133 --> 00:22:22,567
Okay, kids who wants to go
for a ride in the car?
425
00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:24,901
I do!
Me!
426
00:22:28,601 --> 00:22:29,734
[TV TURNS OFF]
427
00:22:43,634 --> 00:22:45,934
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:16,334 --> 00:01:18,200
Okay, Kelly,
how much do you need?
21
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,634
Oh, I don't know.
22
00:01:19,634 --> 00:01:21,701
How much does it take
to start a new life?
23
00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:24,167
More than your father
has in his wallet.
24
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,734
Let's see. Here's $5.00.
25
00:01:25,734 --> 00:01:27,000
Bud?
26
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,334
Well, going by the old
"double for virgins" rule,
27
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:31,234
I get 10.
28
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,033
Mom,
29
00:01:34,033 --> 00:01:35,467
if you let him get away
with that,
30
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:38,367
when he's 65, he'll be expecting
two gold watches.
31
00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:42,734
Well, let's not bleed Daddy dry.
32
00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:44,567
Here's $5.00 for you...
33
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,901
And 20 for me.
34
00:01:48,367 --> 00:01:49,534
AL: Hey, Peg!
35
00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:51,534
Have you seen
my wallet?
36
00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:55,534
Gee, uh, I don't know.
What does it look like?
37
00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:57,400
Old, wrinkled,
and empty,
38
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,767
like my life.
39
00:02:01,501 --> 00:02:02,868
Well, don't worry, honey.
40
00:02:02,868 --> 00:02:05,834
I'm sure it's down here
in your jacket pocket.
41
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,801
Bud, go put this
in Daddy's jacket pocket, okay?
42
00:02:17,801 --> 00:02:19,367
Hey, Peg.
43
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:21,601
Are you showing the kids
what you do all day long?
44
00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:23,934
Morning, Al.
Morning, Daddy.
45
00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:26,734
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
46
00:02:26,734 --> 00:02:28,434
Ah! Here it is.
47
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:41,167
Jeez, where does it all go?
48
00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:42,968
Gee, why are you asking me?
49
00:02:42,968 --> 00:02:44,434
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
50
00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:46,901
You know, Al, you just don't
know how to manage your money.
51
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,467
I wish you'd give me
your paycheck.
52
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:49,734
and let me manage the money.
53
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,033
Yeah, right.
54
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,000
So you can rob me blind,
huh, Peg?
55
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,534
Uh-uh.
56
00:02:54,534 --> 00:02:57,701
At least this way I know
exactly what I've got here.
57
00:02:57,701 --> 00:03:00,467
I've got nothing here, Peg.
58
00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:02,133
Well, don't worry, Al.
59
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,701
I didn't marry you
for your money.
60
00:03:04,701 --> 00:03:08,367
I'm not really sure why I did,
but I know it wasn't money.
61
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,934
Well, it must have been
that old family tradition:
62
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:15,467
find a man, kill his dreams,
and move on.
63
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:17,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
64
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,801
Good morning, Al.
65
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:25,167
Ah, isn't it great to be alive?
66
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:26,300
Let me just
stand aside
67
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,601
and give you
a better view
68
00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:29,968
of the little woman.
69
00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:32,200
Hey, Peg, listen.
70
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,801
I know you were planning
to fix me
71
00:03:33,801 --> 00:03:34,868
some nice nothing
for supper,
72
00:03:34,868 --> 00:03:36,200
but you're better freeze it,
73
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,968
because Steve and I are going
to the track tonight.
74
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,234
That really hurts, Al.
75
00:03:40,234 --> 00:03:41,634
You know, I purposely
didn't ask you
76
00:03:41,634 --> 00:03:42,968
for any money today,
77
00:03:42,968 --> 00:03:45,801
and now you're going
to go blow it at the track.
78
00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:47,400
That's where
all your money goes, you know.
79
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,634
No, I don't think so, Peg.
80
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,834
See, I've never woken up
in the middle of the night
81
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,167
to find a quarter horse
going through my wallet.
82
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:57,834
Gee, Al, if you don't have
enough money for the track--
83
00:03:57,834 --> 00:03:59,167
Aw, heck, we're buddies.
84
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:02,167
I guess I can find someone else
to go with me.
85
00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:03,834
Ah, thanks, Steve,
86
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:05,634
but I've got enough
for a couple of bets,
87
00:04:05,634 --> 00:04:07,434
and hell, there's always
that fountain at the mall
88
00:04:07,434 --> 00:04:08,767
people throw pennies in.
89
00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:10,467
I can go dredging
on my lunch hour.
90
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,701
Great. Let's go.
91
00:04:11,701 --> 00:04:13,501
I'll drive you to work
and pick you up.
92
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:14,734
We'll leave from there.
93
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:16,801
Oh, Steve, uh,
if you're going to the track,
94
00:04:16,801 --> 00:04:18,801
be sure to bet whatever Al bets,
95
00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,534
because as you can see,
96
00:04:20,534 --> 00:04:22,033
he's a winner.
97
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,501
Take it easy, Al. It happens.
98
00:04:29,501 --> 00:04:31,334
It doesn't happen
to me.
99
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:32,601
It's never, never
happened to me.
100
00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:34,000
Wha-- What
am I going to do?
101
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,634
How am I going to tell Peg?
102
00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:37,033
Look, you just have to be brave.
103
00:04:37,033 --> 00:04:39,300
Just come right out
and tell her,
104
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:42,000
"Peg, I won $1250."
105
00:04:48,601 --> 00:04:50,267
Steve...
106
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:51,667
It's the first time
in my life
107
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:52,801
I've won a trifecta.
108
00:04:52,801 --> 00:04:55,267
I've got $1,200 in my pocket.
109
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,367
Do you know what would happen
if I told Peg?
110
00:04:57,367 --> 00:05:00,634
Steve, meet Peg.
111
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,634
Peg, I've got money.
112
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:04,167
[TURNS VACUUM ON]
113
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,000
Well, I know what I'm going
to do with the 50 bucks I won:
114
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,000
share it with Marcy.
115
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,968
Wow, Hondo.
You are much man.
116
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:18,467
Hey, I'm not ashamed to say
117
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:21,968
that it gives me great pleasure
to share with my wife.
118
00:05:21,968 --> 00:05:27,501
What I am ashamed to say is
that's a total lie.
119
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,334
But she scares me to death, Al.
120
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:31,367
Well, I want to enjoy my money,
Steve,
121
00:05:31,367 --> 00:05:32,767
so I'm going to hide my money
122
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,667
until I can decide
what I'm going to do with it,
123
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,067
and you're going to do
the same thing.
124
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,067
Oh, why would I do that?
Because you have to.
125
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:39,701
If Marcy finds out
that you won money,
126
00:05:39,701 --> 00:05:43,000
she's going to know I won money,
and then Peg here will know.
127
00:05:44,934 --> 00:05:46,334
Al, what you're asking me to do
128
00:05:46,334 --> 00:05:47,901
goes against everything
I believe in.
129
00:05:47,901 --> 00:05:49,501
You're asking me
to lie to my wife,
130
00:05:49,501 --> 00:05:50,734
to deceive her,
131
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:52,367
and I'm afraid
I just can't do that...
132
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:53,701
For less than 50 bucks.
133
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,801
You're a real weenie, Steve.
134
00:06:02,801 --> 00:06:06,200
Yes, but a weenie with $50.
135
00:06:15,267 --> 00:06:19,167
Now, I've got to hide this
somewhere Peg would never look.
136
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:31,968
Ah, there's enough
down there already.
137
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,434
Dirty laundry.
138
00:06:48,434 --> 00:06:50,467
She'll never look here.
139
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:18,567
$2.00 left?
140
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:20,167
What a loser.
141
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:23,701
What are you
doing, Peg?
142
00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:25,767
Uh, nothing.
143
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:27,300
I was just a little chilly.
144
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:29,000
Mind if I wear your shirt?
145
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,734
Yes!
146
00:07:30,734 --> 00:07:32,100
But Al, I'm cold.
147
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,434
Well, then,
put on your robe.
148
00:07:34,434 --> 00:07:35,934
Well, I can't sleep
in my robe,
149
00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:38,567
and if I turn on the heat,
then your feet start to fester,
150
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,467
and the dog starts barking,
151
00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:43,000
the kids wake up.
152
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,501
It's just not worth it.
153
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:46,033
I'm going to wear your shirt.
154
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:48,234
But I don't like it
when you wear my shirt.
155
00:07:48,234 --> 00:07:49,968
Isn't there any other way
you can keep warm?
156
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,868
Oh, no!
157
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,067
It's either you or the shirt.
158
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:09,133
Darling!
159
00:08:09,133 --> 00:08:10,934
Oh, ho, ho!
160
00:08:16,601 --> 00:08:19,100
Gee, three days
in a row.
161
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,267
I must be looking
pretty good lately.
162
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:24,334
Yeah, you're the best, baby.
163
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,400
Oh, Al.
You know you love it.
164
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,901
Come on. Admit it.
165
00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:33,400
You and your excuses...
166
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,901
Like that first night,
I was cold,
167
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:38,501
and you wouldn't
let me use your shirt.
168
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,868
The next night,
169
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:41,501
you wouldn't let me near
the spare blanket,
170
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:42,667
and the third night,
171
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,067
I was halfway
to the hot water bottle
172
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:48,567
when you tackled me
and pinned me to the floor.
173
00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:51,067
What do I have to go for
tonight, tiger,
174
00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:52,934
your hat?
175
00:09:02,234 --> 00:09:04,133
Oh, by the way, Al,
176
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:06,501
this morning,
I was going through your wallet
177
00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:08,067
looking for--
178
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:09,567
By accident,
179
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:10,767
and I just happened to notice
180
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,834
that you haven't cashed
your paycheck.
181
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:13,868
Why?
182
00:09:13,868 --> 00:09:18,467
Why, I just haven't had time.
183
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,567
See you around.
184
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:21,834
Bye, sweetie.
185
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,934
Kids! Family meeting!
186
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,801
What's up, Mom?
187
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:41,834
Kids, I suspect
your father has money.
188
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,467
And his paycheck
was dated three days ago,
189
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:51,934
and he hasn't cashed it yet.
190
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:53,000
Mm.
Mm.
191
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,534
So Daddy has money.
192
00:09:54,534 --> 00:09:56,601
You know,
it all makes sense now.
193
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:58,868
Did you notice that last night
he wasn't studying road maps
194
00:09:58,868 --> 00:10:00,968
and fondling his car keys
like usual?
195
00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:05,634
Yeah, and I watched him shave
this morning.
196
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:08,501
You know, he didn't pause at all
near the jugular.
197
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,234
No kidding?
198
00:10:11,234 --> 00:10:13,434
Well, he's obviously
got more than I thought.
199
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:15,901
Okay, kids, we are going
to tear this place apart.
200
00:10:15,901 --> 00:10:17,200
Kelly, you take upstairs.
201
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,234
Bud, you go down
into the basement,
202
00:10:19,234 --> 00:10:20,834
and I'll look around down here.
203
00:10:20,834 --> 00:10:22,868
Aw, Mom,
I got stuck with the basement
204
00:10:22,868 --> 00:10:25,367
when his tax refund came in.
205
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,467
Now, don't whine.
206
00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:30,167
There is a 10% finder's fee,
and then we split.
207
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:33,534
20-20-60.
208
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:34,667
Now, let's go.
209
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,567
[DOORBELL RINGS]
210
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:44,834
What's wrong with Al?
211
00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:47,901
I was out on the street
picking up my newspaper
212
00:10:47,901 --> 00:10:49,167
when he pulled out.
213
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:52,667
He didn't aim his car at me
and gun it.
214
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:55,200
Oh, boy! He must
have a fortune!
215
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,634
Come on. Help me search.
Al's got money.
216
00:10:58,634 --> 00:11:00,501
So what?
217
00:11:00,501 --> 00:11:03,901
So it's mine,
and he's not giving it to me.
218
00:11:03,901 --> 00:11:07,367
Well, that's kind of cruel,
not sharing with your wife.
219
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,067
Oh, who's talking
about sharing?
220
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,968
I want it all.
221
00:11:10,968 --> 00:11:12,834
Not because I'm greedy,
you understand.
222
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:13,868
Whoo, two bits.
223
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:17,701
You see,
it's good for our marriage.
224
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:21,000
If Al has money,
then he doesn't come home.
225
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,400
Will he take a check?
226
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,000
Because I know
the rest of the block
227
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,567
will kick in.
228
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:29,334
Yes, I know it sounds good
on the surface,
229
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:32,667
but the problem is
he doesn't just go away.
230
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:35,100
He goes away and has fun.
231
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,968
You see, Marcy,
my mother taught me two things:
232
00:11:37,968 --> 00:11:39,000
never feed a man
233
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,234
when you can
feed yourself twice,
234
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,467
and if you're going to rot
on a couch in hell,
235
00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:46,567
the least your husband can do
is to burn right beside you.
236
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,467
Well, love touches us all
in different ways, I suppose.
237
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:54,734
But early on,
238
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:56,567
Steve and I decided
to share everything
239
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:58,534
and keep no secrets
from each other.
240
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:01,400
Huh. Well, I would keep
a good eye on him, Marce,
241
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,701
because God only knows
what ideas Al put in his head
242
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:05,934
when they went
to the track.
243
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,868
Steve went to the track?
244
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:11,534
You know,
I thought it was kind of odd
245
00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:13,868
that Al went with him
to the library.
246
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,267
Steve has money too.
247
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:21,300
No, I won't believe it.
248
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:24,968
He would never keep
something like that from me.
249
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:26,300
And I'm so sure of it
250
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,834
that I'm going to tear my home
apart piece by piece.
251
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:32,467
You'll see. I won't find
so much as a dollar.
252
00:12:32,467 --> 00:12:34,467
And if I do,
I'll take his pride and joy
253
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:37,133
and superglue it
to a ferris wheel.
254
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,133
So did you find anything?
255
00:12:43,133 --> 00:12:45,767
Uh... Aw,
I'm a little tired.
256
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:47,667
I'm going to go upstairs
and study.
257
00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:08,434
Hi there, shoe man.
258
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,868
I was in last week,
259
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:19,367
and I can't stop thinking
about you.
260
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,934
Remember me?
261
00:13:22,934 --> 00:13:24,367
Nightly.
262
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:27,467
I mean, vaguely.
263
00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:29,501
Can I help you?
264
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:31,734
I don't know how else to say it.
265
00:13:31,734 --> 00:13:33,434
I want you!
266
00:13:33,434 --> 00:13:37,100
Oh, that's so nice.
267
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,200
But I'm married.
268
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,367
Perfect. That means
you're already broken in.
269
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:00,234
Al.
270
00:14:00,234 --> 00:14:01,567
Al?
271
00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:10,734
What do you want?
272
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:13,133
Can't you see I'm busy?
273
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,634
Look, Al, I--
I have to talk to you.
274
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:20,734
I'm really feeling guilty
275
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,167
about hiding that money
from Marcy,
276
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:25,167
so could you do me a favor
and spend yours
277
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:26,434
so I can share mine?
278
00:14:26,434 --> 00:14:29,133
I can't stand the way she looks
at me, with such trust.
279
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,267
You sure?
280
00:14:30,267 --> 00:14:31,868
A lot of guys mistake trust
for that
281
00:14:31,868 --> 00:14:34,000
just-keep-the-checks-coming-in-
or-you're-out-of-here look.
282
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,501
They're very similar, you know.
283
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,400
Al, what's the big deal?
Just buy something.
284
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,167
It's not as easy
as that, Steve.
285
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:42,167
When you were a kid,
didn't you ever find money
286
00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:43,767
in the street,
and you were so excited,
287
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:45,601
you couldn't figure out
what to do with it?
288
00:14:45,601 --> 00:14:47,033
No, Al.
289
00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:49,567
I gave it to Bunny Zackmeyer
so I could look up her dress.
290
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:55,033
I'm talking about
when you were a kid, Steve.
291
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:58,634
Look, could you just give me
a couple of more days?
292
00:14:58,634 --> 00:15:00,601
In the name of friendship.
Huh, buddy?
293
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:03,033
Okay, in the name
of friendship,
294
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:05,734
which, at today's rates,
is another 50 bucks.
295
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:08,334
You're a weenie, Steve.
296
00:15:08,334 --> 00:15:11,334
Yes, but a weenie
with a hundred bucks.
297
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:13,367
Oh, by the way, Al,
you want a ride home?
298
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,367
No, I got my car.
299
00:15:14,367 --> 00:15:15,968
Yeah, I saw it in the lot,
300
00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:17,601
but it might be tough to drive
301
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:19,501
with all that broken glass
on your seat.
302
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,167
Don't worry.
It wasn't vandalism.
303
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:22,200
They stole your radio.
304
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:25,200
Great!
305
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,367
Well, that's actually
what I was thinking,
306
00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:29,634
but it's not something
you say to a friend.
307
00:15:29,634 --> 00:15:31,334
No, Steve.
308
00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:34,968
Now I know what to buy,
a new car stereo.
309
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,267
It's perfect.
310
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,834
See, now I can buy something
311
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:39,934
for one of my favorite
places in the world,
312
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:41,367
my car.
313
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:44,000
Because when I'm in my car,
I don't have any wife or kids.
314
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,634
I'm alone. I'm whole.
315
00:15:45,634 --> 00:15:48,567
I'm with the one I love.
316
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:51,501
And Peggy never drives my car,
so she'll never know.
317
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:52,701
Tee hee.
318
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,834
I get to spend all my money
on me. Oh, man!
319
00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:57,734
I'll have it installed tomorrow.
320
00:15:57,734 --> 00:15:59,133
Come on, let's go buy it now.
321
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:00,667
But it's a half-hour
till closing.
322
00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:03,100
Ah, the place is a graveyard.
No one comes in here.
323
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:04,534
Just give me
a couple of minutes.
324
00:16:04,534 --> 00:16:06,133
I'll turn off the lights
in the storeroom.
325
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,834
Ew.
326
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:27,267
I'm sorry, miss,
but the place is closed.
327
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,534
Gee, that's funny.
328
00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:32,234
Most stores don't close
until I'm in the dressing room.
329
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:33,667
Oh, well.
330
00:16:38,467 --> 00:16:41,434
Mm-mm-mm.
331
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,968
Ready to go, buddy?
332
00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:44,133
You bet.
333
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,968
I told you
nobody comes in this late.
334
00:17:32,601 --> 00:17:35,567
PEGGY: Al, what
are you doing down there?
335
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:38,367
I'm watching Ted Koppel.
336
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:39,968
Go to sleep.
337
00:17:39,968 --> 00:17:41,801
I'm cold.
338
00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:43,200
Wear my shirt.
339
00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:47,434
Go to sleep.
340
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:50,367
KELLY: Mom, Dad,
will you two be quiet?
341
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,501
You woke me up!
342
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:01,701
* I heard it
Through the grapevine *
343
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,534
* Not much longer
Would you be mine *
344
00:18:04,534 --> 00:18:05,801
Click.
345
00:18:05,801 --> 00:18:07,834
* To all the girls
I've loved-- *
346
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:09,801
Click.
347
00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:12,534
* Big wheels
Keep on turnin' *
348
00:18:12,534 --> 00:18:15,334
* Proud Mary
Keep on burnin' *
349
00:18:15,334 --> 00:18:16,701
* Rollin', rollin' *
350
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:18,033
* Rollin', rollin' *
351
00:18:18,033 --> 00:18:19,701
* Rollin' down the river *
352
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:21,300
* Rollin' down the river *
353
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,634
[THUMP]
354
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,834
PEGGY: Al!
355
00:18:29,033 --> 00:18:33,167
Al, did I just hear Ted Koppel
singing "Proud Mary"?
356
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:36,834
Yeah. It's sweeps month.
357
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:41,100
So what do you want, Peg?
358
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:42,300
Oh, I thought
I'd come down
359
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:43,334
so we could cuddle.
360
00:18:43,334 --> 00:18:45,167
We haven't done that
for a long time.
361
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,934
Oh, Peg, just once,
couldn't we do something I like?
362
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:49,534
I don't want
to dig in my ear
363
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:51,534
and grin like an idiot.
364
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,267
I want to cuddle.
365
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:56,267
No.
366
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:58,300
Well, fine.
367
00:18:58,300 --> 00:18:59,868
But I'm staying
down here anyway.
368
00:19:01,234 --> 00:19:02,334
Where are you going?
369
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:04,133
To the closet. I'm cold.
370
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:05,901
I just wanted
to throw something over me.
371
00:19:05,901 --> 00:19:07,434
No, don't go in there!
372
00:19:07,434 --> 00:19:08,501
Well, why?
373
00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,534
You've got me.
374
00:19:17,534 --> 00:19:18,701
Wait a minute.
375
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:19,801
Uh...
376
00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:20,834
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
377
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:23,434
Ah, let's go upstairs
and, uh...
378
00:19:23,434 --> 00:19:24,567
Cuddle.
379
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:28,100
Aw. It's like
before we were married.
380
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,767
Let's get it
over with.
381
00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:32,934
Just like before
we were married.
382
00:19:32,934 --> 00:19:34,200
Oh, by the way, Al,
383
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,200
I had to take my car in
to the mechanic.
384
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,200
He's going to need it
for a couple of weeks.
385
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,067
So I'll have to use
your car.
386
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,701
So you want to sell
your car stereo
387
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:49,334
after just one day.
388
00:19:49,334 --> 00:19:51,534
I don't want to sell it.
I have to.
389
00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:53,934
Peg's going to be
driving my car for two weeks.
390
00:19:53,934 --> 00:19:55,901
That means two weeks
of hiding my stereo.
391
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:58,501
Do you know what I have to do
to hide my stereo, Steve?
392
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:02,033
Vile, unspeakable acts
no man should have to do.
393
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,534
[PEGGY HUMS HAPPILY]
394
00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:10,501
Yes, that.
395
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,667
Now, do you have the cash
or don't you?
396
00:20:12,667 --> 00:20:14,367
Here you go.
397
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:18,267
There's only $1000 here.
398
00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:20,567
Well, I think that's generous.
399
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,934
After all,
the equipment is used.
400
00:20:22,934 --> 00:20:27,067
PEGGY: * La-da, ah ah ah ah *
401
00:20:27,067 --> 00:20:29,267
And it seems to be
a buyer's market.
402
00:20:31,567 --> 00:20:33,734
You're a real weenie, Steve.
403
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:38,334
Yes, but a weenie with a stereo
and $150 stashed away
404
00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:39,901
that Marcy knows nothing about.
405
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,634
So what are you going
to do with the money, Al?
406
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,601
What I always knew
I would.
407
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:52,100
[MAKING FLAPPING SOUND]
408
00:20:58,734 --> 00:21:03,133
Al, I heard a strange sound.
409
00:21:03,133 --> 00:21:04,167
What was it?
410
00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:06,300
Family, I have
an announcement.
411
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:07,300
I have money.
412
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,901
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
413
00:21:10,734 --> 00:21:11,734
I'm getting
a new skateboard
414
00:21:11,734 --> 00:21:12,767
and a leather jacket.
415
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:14,367
Well, I'm going to get
a CD player
416
00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:15,968
and a suede skirt
and some new boots.
417
00:21:15,968 --> 00:21:19,367
Oh, and I'm going
to spend till I drop!
418
00:21:19,367 --> 00:21:21,667
Wait a second,
wait a second.
419
00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:23,667
Think we should
get Dad something?
420
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:25,534
Well, gee,
I'd love to,
421
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,634
but I don't think
we have enough money.
422
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:35,300
Well, what can I say?
423
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:37,868
You, my friend, are a loser,
424
00:21:37,868 --> 00:21:40,400
whereas
I am your consummate winner.
425
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,434
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
426
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,100
MARCY: Steve, get out here
427
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:47,667
and explain
this $150 I found hidden!
428
00:21:56,734 --> 00:21:58,467
Ah, let me
handle this, buddy.
429
00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:03,167
Marcy, now, let me explain.
430
00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:05,934
Now, Steve wasn't hiding
anything from you.
431
00:22:05,934 --> 00:22:08,734
He was doing me a favor.
432
00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:11,868
He was hiding my $150...
433
00:22:20,601 --> 00:22:22,734
Because he would never
hide anything from you.
434
00:22:22,734 --> 00:22:24,367
Right, Steve?
435
00:22:28,667 --> 00:22:30,367
Right.
436
00:22:44,133 --> 00:22:46,234
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:07,400
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:16,033 --> 00:01:19,701
* Da da da dum, da da *
21
00:01:19,701 --> 00:01:21,133
* Da da da *
22
00:01:21,133 --> 00:01:23,033
* Mm... *
23
00:01:23,033 --> 00:01:25,801
Peg, you were great
last night.
24
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,734
You did what every man dreams
his wife will do.
25
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:30,234
You were asleep
before I got home
26
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:33,200
and you were out of bed
before I woke up.
27
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,100
How can I ever
thank you?
28
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,634
You could stop eating beans
before bed.
29
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,868
Hey, what's all this?
30
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:43,167
I get breakfast too?
31
00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:44,567
Oh, Peg!
32
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,934
Bring it on.
33
00:01:50,968 --> 00:01:52,968
Ooh, spices too?
34
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:53,968
Do the kids
know about this?
35
00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:55,100
No.
36
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:56,100
Good. Bring it on.
37
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,200
Uh, Al, honey...
Yes, sweetheart?
38
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,434
Before I serve you,
I have some great news.
39
00:02:01,434 --> 00:02:03,734
Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?
40
00:02:05,534 --> 00:02:08,334
[LAUGHS]
41
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:11,701
Oh, no, Al,
but that's so funny.
42
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,000
You're just
the greatest.
43
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,501
Who's coming
to stay with us, Peg?
44
00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:18,701
Uh... Just my mother.
45
00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,501
No!
46
00:02:20,501 --> 00:02:22,767
And my uncles
Irwin and Otto.
47
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,133
No, no!
48
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:25,267
And the Wanker triplets.
49
00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:26,834
No, no, no!
50
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:28,300
Oh, but Al,
they're my aunts.
51
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:29,567
They're no trouble.
52
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,200
Peg, God only knows
how old they are
53
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,567
and they sleep in the same bed.
54
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,000
It's amazing,
55
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,934
the triplets sleep in one bed
and your mother sleeps in three.
56
00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:41,534
Well, honey, they'll only stay
57
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:43,501
for an undetermined
period of time.
58
00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:45,868
Peg, now,
this is the first
59
00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:47,467
three-day weekend
I've had in a year.
60
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,467
It's not like I'm going
to have a good time.
61
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:51,801
You and the kids
are going to be there.
62
00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:53,400
Not the Wanker wagon
from Milwaukee.
63
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,267
Peg, please, not that.
64
00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:58,067
Hondo is going to be on
this weekend.
65
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,868
Now, that's some
of the duke's best work.
66
00:02:59,868 --> 00:03:02,467
It's never on TV.
I got a blank tape already.
67
00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:04,033
I want to watch Hondo, Peg.
68
00:03:04,033 --> 00:03:05,601
I want a clean tape of Hondo.
69
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:08,567
No one is going to interrupt you
watching Hondo.
70
00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:11,334
Remember when they were here
last year?
71
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:12,501
Shane was on.
72
00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:13,501
Just before it came on,
73
00:03:13,501 --> 00:03:14,734
Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin
74
00:03:14,734 --> 00:03:17,234
he couldn't stick his head
through the TV.
75
00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:19,801
I didn't see Shane that year,
Peg.
76
00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:21,501
Well, I know, Al,
77
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:25,200
but you saw the end
from the emergency room.
78
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,100
"Come back, Shane, Shane.
Goodbye, Shane."
79
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:28,434
That's all I saw, Peg.
80
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:32,167
I didn't even see the credits
81
00:03:32,167 --> 00:03:35,067
because your mother lumbered
in front of the set.
82
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,901
By the time her entire body
chugged by,
83
00:03:36,901 --> 00:03:39,801
it was morning.
84
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:42,000
You know,
you should be nice to them, Al.
85
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,000
After all,
86
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,534
they're the only people
in the world
87
00:03:44,534 --> 00:03:47,267
who think what you do
is skilled labor.
88
00:03:48,801 --> 00:03:52,968
Oh, what do you say, Al?
Can my family come for a visit?
89
00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:53,934
Because they're on their way.
90
00:03:56,701 --> 00:04:00,400
Since you went
to all this trouble, why not?
91
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,467
All right, where's breakfast?
92
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:04,167
Gee, I don't know.
I didn't cook anything.
93
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:07,133
[CAR ARRIVES,
METAL CLANGING]
94
00:04:07,133 --> 00:04:11,501
Well, that's the sound
of the axle hitting the road.
95
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,167
It means one of two things.
96
00:04:13,167 --> 00:04:15,734
Either everybody in China
just jumped off a chair,
97
00:04:15,734 --> 00:04:17,334
or your family's here.
98
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:22,033
They brought the horse trailer.
Your mom in there, Peg?
99
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:27,267
It's the only way
that she can travel, Al.
100
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:32,300
Otto!
101
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:33,501
Peggy!
102
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:38,033
Your home still looks
like a filth hole.
103
00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:42,501
Irwin!
104
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:43,667
Peg.
105
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:45,200
You've got a beautiful home.
106
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,801
PEGGY: Aw!
107
00:04:46,801 --> 00:04:51,634
And Milly, Elena, Eadie!
108
00:04:51,634 --> 00:04:54,567
AUNTS: Hi, Peggy.
We're triplets, you know.
109
00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:56,400
You look fabulous.
110
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,901
Oh!
111
00:04:57,901 --> 00:04:59,033
Where's Mom?
112
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:01,234
Oh, we're going
to have to leave her in the sun
113
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,033
until she heats up
and gets slippery.
114
00:05:03,033 --> 00:05:05,701
That way, we won't have
to damage the truck
115
00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:08,567
getting her out.
116
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:13,033
Somebody left
the WD-40 at home.
117
00:05:13,033 --> 00:05:16,300
Somebody didn't put it
on the list.
118
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:17,534
How am I doing?
119
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:20,634
Oh, I'm pretty good.
Thank you for asking.
120
00:05:20,634 --> 00:05:21,801
Now, listen,
121
00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:24,901
before the festival
of the inbreds starts,
122
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:28,234
I want everybody to know
that Hondo will be coming on.
123
00:05:28,234 --> 00:05:29,634
During Hondo,
124
00:05:29,634 --> 00:05:31,501
there will be no belly butting,
125
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:33,000
no spitting for distance,
126
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,000
and no one running around
127
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,868
with underwear
on their heads.
128
00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:41,100
We could've gone
to a hotel.
129
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,734
Hey, look who's here!
Hey!
130
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,968
Uncle Irwin!
131
00:05:45,968 --> 00:05:47,367
Otto.
132
00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:50,901
Uncle Otto.
133
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:52,400
Oh!
134
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,167
You look great.
135
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:58,601
And you, my darling...
I could sell you.
136
00:05:58,601 --> 00:06:01,901
Let me tell you
what the going rate is.
137
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:05,667
As you can see, Bud
hasn't changed a bit.
138
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:09,267
Same wit, same zit,
same underwear.
139
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:11,400
Well, now that
we're all together,
140
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,133
how about
a hootenanny?
141
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,968
No. God, no, no!
142
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:17,334
Wait, wait, wait!
No hootenanny.
143
00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,200
See, I forgot to put that
on the list.
144
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,033
* You are my sunshine *
Too late, Al.
145
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:22,968
* My only sunshine *
146
00:06:22,968 --> 00:06:24,601
* You make me happy *
147
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:27,000
* When skies are gray *
* When skies are gray *
148
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,934
* You'll never know, dear
How much I love you *
149
00:06:29,934 --> 00:06:31,367
Just the boys!
150
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:32,968
* Please don't take
My sunshine away *
151
00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:34,334
Just the girls!
152
00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:38,601
* You'll never know, dear
How much I love you *
153
00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:39,634
* Please don't take-- *
154
00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:40,567
Just Al!
155
00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:47,267
* My sunshine away **
156
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:49,934
Yay!
157
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,200
Just like
the old days.
158
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,901
Before music.
159
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:01,100
Uncle Irwin,
160
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,300
are you going to put
your head through the TV again?
161
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:04,701
If you're good.
162
00:07:06,534 --> 00:07:08,133
Can I relax now?
163
00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:10,234
* She's a good-hearted woman *
164
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:15,367
* In love with
A two-timin' man *
165
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:17,701
* She loves him
In spite of his ways *
166
00:07:17,701 --> 00:07:21,868
* She don't understand *
167
00:07:21,868 --> 00:07:23,701
* Through teardrops
And laughter *
168
00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:28,634
* They'll dance through
This world hand in hand *
169
00:07:28,634 --> 00:07:30,367
* She's a good-hearted woman-- *
170
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,400
Stop. Stop.
171
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,868
Please stop.
172
00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:40,467
I'm not a Wanker,
and you're killing me.
173
00:07:42,234 --> 00:07:43,834
Peggy, we're famished.
174
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:56,501
Al, how about
taking us out to eat?
175
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:57,901
Ah, what the hell.
176
00:07:57,901 --> 00:08:00,100
Kids, you didn't really
want to go to college, did you?
177
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:02,267
We'd rather eat.
178
00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:05,000
Well, if we're going to go,
we'd better get going,
179
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,400
because once we unload
your mom,
180
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,000
it's harder than hell
to squeeze her back in.
181
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,467
She kicks like a mule.
182
00:08:10,467 --> 00:08:12,634
Uncle Irwin, are you going
to put your head
183
00:08:12,634 --> 00:08:13,734
in the salad bar again?
184
00:08:13,734 --> 00:08:15,801
If you're good.
185
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:22,834
You know, you're not good enough
for our family.
186
00:08:24,901 --> 00:08:27,434
Yeah, right. I've never been up
on a morals charge.
187
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,567
999...
188
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:32,901
1000!
189
00:08:32,901 --> 00:08:34,000
He did it!
190
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,400
[CHEERING]
191
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,734
Oh, nice example
for the children, Irwin.
192
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,934
Why don't you show them
how to de-bone a cow
193
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:42,634
while you're at it?
194
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:46,167
You've always been jealous
of me.
195
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:49,501
Oh, yes, I've always secretly
wanted to be a...
196
00:08:49,501 --> 00:08:51,234
Beast of burden.
197
00:08:52,601 --> 00:08:55,667
Oh, now, now.
Let's not spoil our good time.
198
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:57,801
Now, make up, you two.
199
00:08:57,801 --> 00:08:58,801
Blowfish!
200
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:00,334
Squid!
201
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:01,701
Well, that's better.
202
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:06,467
Hey, Mom, are we going to go
down to the pony rides
203
00:09:06,467 --> 00:09:08,067
to see the look
on the horse's face
204
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:10,300
when Uncle Irwin
chooses his mount?
205
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,834
No, not today, honey.
206
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:15,300
Ever since Daddy paid for lunch
with his watch,
207
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:18,267
he's been sort of a crab apple.
208
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,267
I think
he's mad at us.
209
00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:21,767
Oh, well, don't
take it personally.
210
00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,467
Daddy always
takes a noose with him
211
00:09:23,467 --> 00:09:24,400
into the bathroom.
212
00:09:25,801 --> 00:09:28,868
Uh-oh. Daddy's
in the bathroom?
213
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:32,133
Mom's up there
taking a bath.
214
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:34,667
Well, maybe
he won't notice.
215
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:37,033
AL: Aah!
216
00:09:39,167 --> 00:09:41,968
Peg, I'm blind!
217
00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:46,167
Very funny, Al.
218
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:47,567
No, really, Peg.
219
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,701
I saw your mother naked, and...
220
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:52,834
And everything went black.
221
00:09:52,834 --> 00:09:55,534
I think my eyes were trying
to protect my heart.
222
00:09:57,334 --> 00:10:00,501
Now I'm not going
to see Hondo, Peg.
223
00:10:00,501 --> 00:10:02,334
Stop being a baby.
224
00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:03,767
It's only hysterical
blindness.
225
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:05,767
It happened
to her doctor.
226
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:07,834
It wears off
eventually.
227
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:09,000
Wait a second.
228
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,801
I think it's starting
to come back to me.
229
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:15,367
I see shapes.
I see... Straw.
230
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:17,367
Oh, Kelly.
231
00:10:19,701 --> 00:10:21,601
Al, we have to talk.
232
00:10:21,601 --> 00:10:23,000
Well, I'm broke
and I'm blind, Peg.
233
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,334
What else is there
to talk about?
234
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,968
Well, you haven't been very nice
to my family.
235
00:10:27,968 --> 00:10:29,534
Well, neither is nature.
Go bother it.
236
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,801
Now, Al, you know
I don't ask much of you
237
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:39,801
because I know
how severely limited you are,
238
00:10:39,801 --> 00:10:43,367
but please do me a favor
and just say something to them.
239
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:46,300
Yeah. Go home.
240
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,634
Does that take care of it, Peg?
241
00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,234
That's a nice start.
242
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:51,968
Just show them that you care.
243
00:10:51,968 --> 00:10:55,334
Go home
and drive safely.
244
00:10:57,701 --> 00:11:01,334
Ask them how they're doing.
For me, sweetums.
245
00:11:01,334 --> 00:11:02,767
That's all
I have to do, Peg?
246
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:04,167
That's it.
247
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:05,801
Otto, Irwin,
how you doing?
248
00:11:05,801 --> 00:11:09,067
We're desolate.
249
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,501
We'll need the triplets.
250
00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:11,501
I'll get them.
251
00:11:11,501 --> 00:11:13,100
I told them to sleep
in Kelly's room.
252
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,367
Her bed is used to having
a lot of people on it.
253
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,334
Well, I guess that means
254
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:20,133
Irwin and Otto get to sleep
on your bed,
255
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:22,767
with the rotting rubber sheets.
256
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:26,367
Al, I want to let you in
on a little family secret.
257
00:11:26,367 --> 00:11:27,801
You're the fourth
triplet?
258
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,667
Well, I know everybody thinks
that the family income
259
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:35,167
is derived primarily
from the still.
260
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:37,300
And the home
yogurt business.
261
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,400
Quiet, Mr. Pork-at-the-bottom.
262
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,100
It'll catch on.
263
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,567
Oh, please.
264
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:46,634
Anyhow, the triplets
add greatly to our income.
265
00:11:46,634 --> 00:11:49,534
Otto, excuse me.
266
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,868
Kelly, go upstairs.
267
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,868
They sing!
268
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:56,868
They sing at carnivals,
beer fests.
269
00:11:56,868 --> 00:11:58,868
Last month,
they worked regular
270
00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:00,834
and cleared a neat 88.50.
271
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:02,868
Don't tell the IRS.
272
00:12:02,868 --> 00:12:04,601
Now something's happened
that's threatened the act.
273
00:12:06,667 --> 00:12:08,667
They faced
the audience?
274
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:15,300
Elena, tell him
what you want to do.
275
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:16,834
I want to marry.
276
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:20,067
Somebody outside the family,
right?
277
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,968
Well, in Wanker county,
278
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:26,434
nobody's really
outside the family.
279
00:12:26,434 --> 00:12:28,634
Um...
280
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:33,467
Well, how about that boy John
who works at the feed store?
281
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:35,467
Yeah.
282
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:37,634
I guess he's family.
283
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:45,834
Will someone listen to me,
please?
284
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:47,834
Peg, if Elena gets married,
285
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:49,634
the triplets
will be torn asunder.
286
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:51,868
And worse,
if she goes on a honeymoon,
287
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:54,434
we'll lose 17 gigs.
288
00:12:54,434 --> 00:12:56,267
That's $34 and change.
289
00:12:56,267 --> 00:12:57,400
Interest will wane.
290
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,267
Oh, my God,
the public will forget.
291
00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:00,367
It happens!
292
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:01,467
Look at Glen Campbell.
293
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:05,367
Oh, Al, don't let
that happen.
294
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,033
Oh, gee,
it's a little late, Peg.
295
00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:09,234
Glen's career
is what it is.
296
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:13,834
Al, you're a professional
man, a shoe salesman.
297
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,334
[LAUGHS]
298
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,501
If anybody
can solve this, you can.
299
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:19,033
Solve what?
300
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:20,868
Should she marry or not?
301
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:22,501
Peg, I'm not touching this,
302
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:25,634
and I mean that
in every sense of the word.
303
00:13:25,634 --> 00:13:26,701
Every time I get involved
304
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:28,133
in one
of your family's problems,
305
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,133
I always
end up missing a good movie
306
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,834
and get called an idiot.
307
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:35,000
Well, not this time, Al.
They need you.
308
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,467
Look at their faces.
309
00:13:38,534 --> 00:13:41,367
All right, I'll help,
but I'm not looking at them.
310
00:13:41,367 --> 00:13:44,067
Elena, did you
actually find
311
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:45,067
someone willing
to marry you?
312
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,167
AUNTS: Yes!
313
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:47,701
Then you have
my blessing
314
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,033
and he has my pity.
315
00:13:49,033 --> 00:13:49,968
Do it.
316
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:55,400
God, you're an idiot.
317
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:02,234
You had to say something,
didn't you, Al?
318
00:14:02,234 --> 00:14:03,934
You couldn't just say,
"I don't know,"
319
00:14:03,934 --> 00:14:05,334
like you do when
I ask you
320
00:14:05,334 --> 00:14:07,400
when you're going
to be done in the bathroom.
321
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,667
Why did we come to you?
322
00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:13,434
They could be up there
crying their six eyes out.
323
00:14:13,434 --> 00:14:15,667
Oh, great. On my bed.
324
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,000
Thank you so much,
Daddy.
325
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,501
That's it.
I'm out of here.
326
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:22,634
Al, you can't leave
during a family crisis.
327
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:24,868
It's not a family.
It's a lab experiment.
328
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,367
Where are you going?
329
00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:32,801
[DOOR CLOSES]
330
00:14:32,801 --> 00:14:35,267
I love these
perfect times together.
331
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:36,868
The wine is chilled,
the candles are lit,
332
00:14:36,868 --> 00:14:38,067
ad we are a kiss away
333
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:41,968
from magnificent
earth-shattering sex.
334
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
335
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:45,567
Ignore it.
336
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:48,400
Whoever it is
will go away.
337
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,868
[RING]
338
00:14:49,868 --> 00:14:51,567
AL: Okay, you guys,
open up.
339
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:53,234
I know
you're in there.
340
00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:57,534
This is a test
of wills.
341
00:14:57,534 --> 00:15:00,968
I am not answering the door
to that man.
342
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,100
[RING, RING, RING,
RING, RING]
343
00:15:13,334 --> 00:15:16,834
Oh, man, what a day.
344
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,901
Get me a beer,
will you, Marce?
345
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:25,868
Al, we're trying to have
a little romantic thing here.
346
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:27,834
Well, go ahead,
don't worry about me.
347
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:30,601
Marcy, you got
any tuna fish in there?
348
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,200
Al, I was about
to take her upstairs
349
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,467
and you interrupted.
350
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,033
Then you owe me one.
351
00:15:38,934 --> 00:15:40,501
You got any pretzels?
352
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:41,534
[SIGH]
353
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:47,601
You might have been wondering
why my house is tilting.
354
00:15:47,601 --> 00:15:50,934
Peg's relatives are in town,
six of them.
355
00:15:50,934 --> 00:15:53,100
Well, 12, counting her mother.
356
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:57,234
We're out of pretzels, Al.
How about some lye?
357
00:15:57,234 --> 00:15:59,167
No, thanks.
358
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,167
Nah, I was just getting ready
for a great weekend.
359
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,667
Did you ever just want
to be alone?
360
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,567
You know where I'm coming from.
361
00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:07,801
See, all I want to do
362
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,801
is sit down,
watch Hondo in peace.
363
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:11,200
Did you ever try
to watch something
364
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,767
and have a bunch of in-laws
drive you crazy?
365
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,901
No, Al. That's
where I'm lucky.
366
00:16:14,901 --> 00:16:18,634
Marcy's family
is just a blessing.
367
00:16:18,634 --> 00:16:19,968
Of course,
368
00:16:19,968 --> 00:16:22,968
her mother does leave little
wadded-up bits of Kleenex around
369
00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:24,501
wherever she goes...
370
00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:26,901
Because of that
one runny eye she has,
371
00:16:26,901 --> 00:16:29,467
but that's not her fault.
372
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:31,667
What is her fault
is she's too cheap to go
373
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:34,400
to a doctor
and get it fixed.
374
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,767
No, she comes over here
375
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:37,868
and complains incessantly
about it...
376
00:16:37,868 --> 00:16:39,434
While we try to eat.
377
00:16:39,434 --> 00:16:42,167
As if looking at it
doesn't tell the whole story.
378
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:44,000
That's enough, dear.
379
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,801
You know, she'll only eat eggs.
380
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:47,400
We could have
a turkey dinner set out,
381
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,601
and you know what she does?
382
00:16:48,601 --> 00:16:50,200
She looks at it
with her runny eye
383
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,100
and says, "What? No eggs?"
384
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,100
Everybody hates her.
385
00:16:56,434 --> 00:16:57,734
Honey...
386
00:16:57,734 --> 00:17:00,033
God, she makes
my skin crawl.
387
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,400
Al, do you know
the difference
388
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,767
between Steve's mother
and a bowling ball?
389
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:08,100
What?
390
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,834
A bowling ball
doesn't have a beard.
391
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:15,200
It's one hair.
392
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,334
One hair
does not make a beard.
393
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:18,901
It does
if it's six inches long
394
00:17:18,901 --> 00:17:20,501
and V-shaped.
395
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:26,434
Well, at least her eye
doesn't run like a toilet.
396
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:27,901
[DOORBELL RINGS]
397
00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:29,934
Oh, relax, guys.
I'll get that.
398
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:36,133
Well, let's just talk
about your Uncle Mildred.
399
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:39,234
Can't a man be a florist
and still have some respect?
400
00:17:41,868 --> 00:17:44,634
Al, you got to do something.
The triplets ran away.
401
00:17:44,634 --> 00:17:46,868
Why would all three
of them run away?
402
00:17:46,868 --> 00:17:48,767
Well, actually,
only Elena ran away,
403
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:51,100
but the other two went
to keep her company.
404
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:52,501
Oh, you've just got
to find her.
405
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:54,334
Peg, I'm trying to have
a quiet evening alone
406
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,534
with friends.
407
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,133
Well, at least I have a father.
408
00:17:58,133 --> 00:17:59,133
Oh, yeah,
409
00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:00,968
one who sold secrets
to the enemy
410
00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:02,567
during the war.
411
00:18:02,567 --> 00:18:04,267
That was never proven.
412
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:05,834
Al, please.
413
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,400
Oh, but Hondo's
coming on.
414
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,834
Well, we'll tape it.
Just hurry.
415
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:09,968
It's dark out there,
416
00:18:09,968 --> 00:18:12,067
and the triplets
are out there alone.
417
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:13,400
Oh, all right.
418
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,434
I got to go, guys.
419
00:18:14,434 --> 00:18:16,267
Go on, get back to your romance.
420
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,801
You know why you have
such chicken legs, Marcy?
421
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:27,033
It's because your mother
eats all those eggs.
422
00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:31,767
I'm desolate.
423
00:18:31,767 --> 00:18:34,467
Aw, don't worry.
Al will find them.
424
00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:37,634
I told him to drive around
and think like triplets.
425
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:38,934
Now, look.
426
00:18:38,934 --> 00:18:41,334
Let's just do something
to take our minds off of this.
427
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:42,767
Irwin, why don't you tell us
428
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:45,334
about your record
for rooster-throwing?
429
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:47,334
Indoors or outdoors?
430
00:18:48,868 --> 00:18:50,501
You know, Kelly has
some indoor/outdoor records
431
00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:52,634
of her own.
432
00:18:52,634 --> 00:18:56,167
Why, she's so good,
she's about to turn pro.
433
00:18:56,167 --> 00:18:58,167
Bud's so cute,
434
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,634
and to think,
he'll never be bald.
435
00:18:59,634 --> 00:19:00,634
He'll always
have the hair
436
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:02,534
on the palm
of his hand.
437
00:19:05,234 --> 00:19:07,901
Cats and dogs.
Cats and dogs.
438
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:09,801
What are you
talking about?
439
00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:12,334
Aw, nothing.
I was just hungry.
440
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,701
Peggy, I'm sorry
this didn't turn out
441
00:19:17,701 --> 00:19:19,667
to be such
a good weekend for you.
442
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:21,033
Oh, it's not so bad.
443
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:23,868
I mean, after all,
Al's out of the house,
444
00:19:23,868 --> 00:19:26,734
Mom finally stopped sweating
from traveling,
445
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:28,234
and Dad is--
446
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:29,501
Where is Dad?
447
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,400
He wasn't on the list.
448
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,400
Neither was
your enormous rump,
449
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,400
but you
brought that.
450
00:19:39,968 --> 00:19:42,000
Come on. Get in.
Get in there.
451
00:19:43,434 --> 00:19:46,167
Oh, Al. You found them.
Where were they?
452
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:47,601
Down by the docks.
453
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:48,968
It was just luck.
454
00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:50,501
We were all trying
to sign up
455
00:19:50,501 --> 00:19:51,934
for the merchant marine.
456
00:19:51,934 --> 00:19:53,367
Did I miss Hondo?
457
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:55,767
Because that's the only reason
I came home.
458
00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:58,367
It taped!
I get to watch Hondo!
459
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:00,601
What about
my problem?
460
00:20:00,601 --> 00:20:03,400
Your lives are meaningless
compared to Hondo.
461
00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:06,133
Now, I want silence.
462
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:08,567
Not a whinny, not a moo,
not a peep.
463
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,200
It's Hondo time.
464
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,400
Welcome
to John Wayne weekend.
465
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,033
We proudly present
his film Hon--
466
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:21,968
I don't know about this.
Al's going to be mad.
467
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:24,000
Oh, who cares
about him?
468
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,200
This tape
is for Peggy.
469
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,567
Besides, we'll be
long gone
470
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,100
before he sees it.
471
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,501
Now, don't forget
to hide that tape
472
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:32,567
so that buffoon
doesn't find it.
473
00:20:32,567 --> 00:20:34,934
That's insulting.What do you
think I'm going to do,
474
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,000
just leave it
in the machine?
475
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:45,901
BOTH: * You are so beautiful
To me *
476
00:20:51,968 --> 00:20:53,767
You didn't hide it,
did you?
477
00:20:55,501 --> 00:21:00,400
Oh, Al, why don't you do
sweet things like that?
478
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,801
Okay, I'll be the one to say it.
The duke is dead.
479
00:21:02,801 --> 00:21:04,534
Now, let's move on
to the living.
480
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:06,133
Have you girls
come to your senses yet
481
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,534
about this marriage?
482
00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:11,133
I'm devastated.
483
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:14,834
This is your fault.
484
00:21:14,834 --> 00:21:15,868
You're the one
485
00:21:15,868 --> 00:21:17,367
that invited her fiance
to the house.
486
00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:18,901
We were gonna roll him.
487
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:20,367
Look what happened.
488
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:24,367
And you never even
got his wallet.
489
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,968
Or did you?
490
00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:38,133
That's it! Sit down.
491
00:21:38,133 --> 00:21:41,501
Everybody sit down,
because I'm taking charge now.
492
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:43,501
Peg, kids, go upstairs,
493
00:21:43,501 --> 00:21:46,601
because I'm solving
everybody's problems now.
494
00:21:46,601 --> 00:21:49,868
Everybody,
move close together...
495
00:21:49,868 --> 00:21:54,801
And say... "Swiss cheese."
496
00:22:03,033 --> 00:22:05,634
Al?
497
00:22:05,634 --> 00:22:06,634
Honey, you're sweating.
498
00:22:06,634 --> 00:22:09,000
And you haven't
answered me yet.
499
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,434
Is it okay if my family
comes for a visit?
500
00:22:11,434 --> 00:22:12,701
[DOORBELL RINGS]
501
00:22:12,701 --> 00:22:14,634
Well, it doesn't
really matter what you say.
502
00:22:14,634 --> 00:22:16,534
Besides,
how bad can it be?
503
00:22:19,634 --> 00:22:21,434
We're here!
504
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,434
[***]1
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:07,501
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:17,434 --> 00:01:20,601
You know, the boys are
upstairs working so hard,
3
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:23,501
and this popcorn will make
a nice surprise for them.
4
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:25,400
It's so easy to make too.
5
00:01:26,734 --> 00:01:30,868
Uh, Peggy, you're supposed
to move it around.
6
00:01:30,868 --> 00:01:32,534
Oh...
7
00:01:35,801 --> 00:01:37,167
Well, gee...
8
00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:39,601
Now it's not easy anymore.
9
00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:44,234
Peggy, did you know this says,
"Use before May the 11th, 1972"?
10
00:01:45,834 --> 00:01:47,501
Marcy, if you
read it carefully,
11
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:53,200
it says, "Best if used
before May the 11th, 1972."
12
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,234
Boys! Popcorn!
13
00:01:55,234 --> 00:01:57,167
[SIGHS]
14
00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:58,601
Can you believe it?
15
00:01:58,601 --> 00:02:01,033
This little treasure
was hiding in a box
16
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:02,267
up in the attic.
17
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:07,234
It was a wedding present
from Al's parents.
18
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:09,467
They gave you popcorn?
19
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:10,701
Yeah.
20
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:12,634
Popcorn and Al.
21
00:02:12,634 --> 00:02:15,834
I made out like a bandit.
22
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,267
Well, Steve's parents
gave us china
23
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:19,400
and written instructions
24
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:23,167
on how to make melon balls
for their son.
25
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,634
It's the only way
he'll eat melon, you know.
26
00:02:25,634 --> 00:02:27,400
Yeah, men are so fussy.
27
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,667
Do you know that after
we were first married,
28
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:33,567
Al wouldn't eat
unless his food was warm.
29
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:37,334
Okay, we've cleaned out
your garage,
30
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,701
your back yard,
and your attic,
31
00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:40,067
so tomorrow
you're gonna help me
32
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,767
clean out my garage,
right, Al?
33
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:43,701
One...second.
34
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:44,968
[GRUNTS]
35
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,667
No.
36
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,801
Now, Al, I hope that attic
is nice and clean
37
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:51,534
for when mother
comes to stay.
38
00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:53,234
Oh, yeah,
the straw's been laid down.
39
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:55,968
The trough's been built.
40
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,100
All we need now
is a little glass of bourbon
41
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,067
to put her teeth in,
and she'll be in,
42
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,200
pardon the expression,
43
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,467
hog heaven.
44
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:06,367
Hey, popcorn!
45
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,567
Marcy, I don't need you
to tell me what to eat.
46
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:13,567
You're not my mother.
47
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,801
If you were,
48
00:03:14,801 --> 00:03:17,067
you'd know how to make
a decent melon ball.
49
00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:18,200
Oh...
50
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,334
[COUGHS]
51
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,100
Mm! It's good.
52
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,067
No, no, no, no, no.
No more popcorn
53
00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:26,100
till you put that junk
in the garbage.
54
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:28,067
Junk? I got
a lot of good stuff here.
55
00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:30,200
I can use a lot of this.
56
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,567
Steve, look what
she wants me to throw out.
57
00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:37,501
My hedge clippers.
58
00:03:38,601 --> 00:03:40,000
They disappeared one day
from my yard.
59
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:40,901
How did you get them?
60
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,934
Bud!
61
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:46,801
Get down here!
62
00:03:49,634 --> 00:03:50,701
What, Dad?
63
00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:51,901
Did you take
these hedge clippers?
64
00:03:51,901 --> 00:03:53,334
Yes, Dad.
65
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,434
You remember? You called
Mr. Rhoades up on the phone,
66
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:56,834
and I slipped over
and took them?
67
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,400
Well, don't ever
do it again.
68
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,100
I'm sorry, Steve,
he must've misunderstood.
69
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,868
Hey, that's
my car battery.
70
00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:11,501
[LAUGHS]
71
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,100
Well, you can't
count that, Steve.
72
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:16,100
That was before
we became friends.
73
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,767
Hi, everybody.
74
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:20,601
Oh, the greatest thing
happened at school today.
75
00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:22,267
The bus driver
had a nervous breakdown,
76
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,868
so we had to drive the bus
ourselves,
77
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:26,567
so, um, if anybody calls
78
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,868
and accuses me of locking
the driver in the bathroom
79
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:31,067
and taking the bus
on a joy ride,
80
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,968
now you know it's not true.
81
00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:35,801
So, what is all
this junk anyways?
82
00:04:35,801 --> 00:04:38,267
It's not junk, Kel.
It's dad's life.
83
00:04:38,267 --> 00:04:40,434
And it's all in this
little box, isn't it, Dad?
84
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:41,868
You bet it is, son.
85
00:04:41,868 --> 00:04:44,334
Hey, now, look at this.
86
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:46,934
"MVP, Pop Warner Football."
87
00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:49,534
I was a little younger
than you when I got this, son.
88
00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:51,701
"All-star Little League
Shortstop."
89
00:04:51,701 --> 00:04:53,801
Oh, man.
90
00:04:53,801 --> 00:04:55,300
"All-City Football."
91
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:56,300
Huh?
92
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:58,100
Then I met your mom.
93
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:04,501
"Co-ed Softball...
Participant Award."
94
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:08,133
"Rookie Of The Year
Shoe Salesman, 1968."
95
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,334
You notice
how they're getting smaller?
96
00:05:10,334 --> 00:05:13,767
Everything about him is.
97
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,968
Oh, yeah, and I'm sure
you didn't have anything
98
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:18,133
to do with that,
either, did you?
99
00:05:19,734 --> 00:05:22,167
Well, that's the end
of my trophies.
100
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:24,100
Gee, Al, what
a testament to a...
101
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:27,000
loser.
102
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,200
Thanks, Steve.
103
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,934
No, really, you'll never
relive this glory.
104
00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:33,767
God, you must feel low.
105
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,601
I mean, I didn't have that much
of an athletic past--
106
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,334
Oh, come on, Steve,
you must have got
107
00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:40,901
the "Running Home To Mommy"
trophy once or twice.
108
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:43,567
Well, if I did win one,
109
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:45,834
I'm sure it's somewhere
in your box.
110
00:05:45,834 --> 00:05:50,601
The point, however,
is my life is...getting better.
111
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,634
I've got the best
trophy in the whole world
112
00:05:52,634 --> 00:05:54,734
right here
to share it with me.
113
00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:56,701
Couldn't you just
eat him up?
114
00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:58,601
Nah, Peg'd probably
just serve him cold.
115
00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:02,901
Hey! Look at this!
116
00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,634
The book that inspired
my whole life.
117
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,901
Wanda The Preppy Hippo?
118
00:06:06,901 --> 00:06:11,167
The Little Engine
That Could.
119
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,634
Is this my book, Al?
120
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:14,234
No, it's not,
and I can prove it.
121
00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:15,434
Look here.
122
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:19,601
Yeah. "Property
of the Oakwood Library."
123
00:06:19,601 --> 00:06:22,000
Uh, gee, Al,
it's a little overdue.
124
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,133
1957 is past,
isn't it?
125
00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:27,033
Can you believe that, Kel?
126
00:06:27,033 --> 00:06:29,334
Dad was alive in 1957.
127
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:32,634
I didn't even think
it was a real year.
128
00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:34,701
Wow, what memories
this brings back.
129
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:35,934
Yeah. Eh...
130
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,133
You can't
throw this away!
131
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:43,300
Well, Steve, it's a book.
132
00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:46,033
He certainly can't read it.
133
00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:47,634
Al!
134
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:49,434
This is literature.
135
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:50,434
Don't you understand?
136
00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:52,501
You have to bring
this book back.
137
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:53,868
Libraries all over the country
138
00:06:53,868 --> 00:06:56,334
are suffering from
a shortage of books.
139
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:59,501
And a book is fuel
for a hungry mind.
140
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:01,267
Ah, books
are for idiots.
141
00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:04,567
I mean...you can learn
everything you need
142
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:08,934
from a movie or a date.
143
00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:13,167
Well, the world
needs bimbos too.
144
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:16,100
Al, just take the book back.
145
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,467
I've got bad memories
of that library.
146
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:22,200
Aw, honey, is that because
all the other kids were reading?
147
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:25,234
No.
148
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:26,667
It's because of the librarian...
149
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:29,234
Miss De Groot.
150
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:32,434
God, she was fat and old and...
151
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:34,300
fat.
152
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:36,634
I remember she had
this cup of coffee on her desk,
153
00:07:36,634 --> 00:07:39,033
and she'd always be spooning
mounds of sugar into it
154
00:07:39,033 --> 00:07:40,234
from a jar.
155
00:07:40,234 --> 00:07:41,367
When she'd stir it,
156
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:42,701
it would make
these clanking sounds
157
00:07:42,701 --> 00:07:44,901
like chains on a ghost.
158
00:07:44,901 --> 00:07:47,567
A fat ghost.
159
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,868
God, she hated me.
160
00:07:49,868 --> 00:07:52,334
[CLANKING]
161
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,701
Well...
162
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,067
young Mr. Bundy.
163
00:08:16,868 --> 00:08:19,434
The devil boy.
164
00:08:24,434 --> 00:08:26,667
You'd like to check these out,
would you?
165
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,167
Well, I'm afraid you can't.
166
00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:29,701
Do you know why?
167
00:08:29,701 --> 00:08:31,367
Because I didn't bring you
French fries
168
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,501
like the other boys do?
169
00:08:33,501 --> 00:08:36,701
You're a bad seed, Bundy.
170
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:37,767
You can't have these books
171
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,200
because you are
consistently overdue,
172
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,100
you never have the money to pay,
173
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:46,000
and looking at you now,
I doubt you ever will.
174
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,400
I'll bring 'em back,
I promise.
175
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,801
You always promise,
176
00:08:48,801 --> 00:08:50,634
but you don't follow through.
177
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:53,100
And that, in a nutshell,
is your problem.
178
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,100
Make a promise, keep a promise.
179
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:59,000
Yeah, yeah,
bake a pie, eat a pie.
180
00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:04,167
Can I have the books now?
181
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,901
I've got a book report
due tomorrow.
182
00:09:05,901 --> 00:09:08,000
You may take just one book.
183
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,200
Hey, be fair.
Can you eat just one pig?
184
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,167
You're a horrible
little boy.
185
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,567
You'll never amount
to a hill of beans.
186
00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:23,467
And I wish that
on you, Bundy:
187
00:09:23,467 --> 00:09:25,801
to be the failure you deserve.
188
00:09:26,868 --> 00:09:28,467
And take that hand
out of your pants.
189
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:29,767
It's a filthy little habit.
190
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:36,000
Now, I'm going to let you have
The Little Engine That Could
191
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,267
on the basis that you might
learn something,
192
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:41,634
though we both know you won't.
193
00:09:41,634 --> 00:09:44,400
Do you think anyone
can teach you anything?
194
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,133
Well, you've just taught me
195
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:50,334
that even the slightest movement
can make a fat person sweat.
196
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,067
Three days.
197
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,634
You have three days
to bring this back.
198
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,534
Promise you'll bring it
back on time.
199
00:09:58,534 --> 00:09:59,667
I promise.
200
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,467
Oh, that means
almost nothing.
201
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:04,000
But if you don't,
remember,
202
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,934
I'll be waiting for you.
203
00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:13,434
Boy... She hates you, Al.
204
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:16,467
I swear, one day, I'm gonna
take that bowl of sugar
205
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,934
and pour the whole thing
down her gas tank.
206
00:10:22,701 --> 00:10:25,300
My life's gotta get
better than this.
207
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,734
That's when I first learned
that redheads can kill you.
208
00:10:38,734 --> 00:10:41,567
Come on, Al,
that was 30 years ago.
209
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:43,334
The woman's dead.
210
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:46,234
No one can eat
that much sugar and live.
211
00:10:46,234 --> 00:10:48,501
Take it back.
212
00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:50,367
Face your fears, Al.
213
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:53,634
Be a man and return
The Little Engine That Could.
214
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,567
You're alive!
215
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:24,501
And you owe us $2163.
216
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,467
Wait a second,
217
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:33,567
you're charging me $2000
for an overdue library book?
218
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:37,234
Perhaps if you didn't ignore
the overdue notices we sent you
219
00:11:37,234 --> 00:11:38,534
for the first 10 years,
220
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:40,000
you wouldn't be
in this pickle.
221
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,734
Sit down.
222
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,801
You made me a promise
and you didn't keep it,
223
00:11:48,801 --> 00:11:50,734
so now you must pay the piper.
224
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:52,067
For you see,
225
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:56,734
even the road to ruin
has its tollgate.
226
00:11:56,734 --> 00:12:02,167
Now...will you be paying
in cash or food stamps?
227
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:06,000
Can't we make
a little deal here?
228
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,434
I'll tell you what.
229
00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:11,000
Suppose I tape a doughnut
to my driver's license
230
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,267
and slip it to you...
231
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:14,534
You give it back,
232
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:19,033
and the doughnut just
mysteriously...disappears?
233
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:24,767
Could it be that you don't
have the $2000?
234
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,534
Could it be that I was correct
235
00:12:26,534 --> 00:12:30,033
when I made and educated guess
that you would fail in life?
236
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:32,601
Could it be that the nails
that hold your chair together
237
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:35,167
are from the planet Krypton?
238
00:12:37,501 --> 00:12:40,234
Oh, look. It's after 12.
239
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:43,100
That's another 20 cents
you owe us.
240
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:46,901
Well, it just so happens that
I returned that book years ago.
241
00:12:46,901 --> 00:12:48,334
I'd remember if you did.
242
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,334
You weren't here.
243
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,334
I'm always here.
244
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:51,601
Not that day.
245
00:12:51,601 --> 00:12:56,834
I believe that was
the day of the big cake heist.
246
00:12:56,834 --> 00:12:59,534
You were rounded up
for questioning.
247
00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:01,200
Perhaps a policeman's
rubber hose
248
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,634
can get to the truth.
249
00:13:02,634 --> 00:13:04,067
Wait, I'll just go
to the shelves
250
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,234
and get that book
and prove it to you.
251
00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:07,968
We'll both go.
252
00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:10,601
So, Mr. Bundy, what
do you do for a living,
253
00:13:10,601 --> 00:13:13,234
presuming you're not still
in high school?
254
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:18,334
Librarian hit man.
255
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:20,667
I thought so.
256
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,467
Well, let's see. I...
257
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:25,868
I know I put it here
somewhere, uh...
258
00:13:25,868 --> 00:13:27,567
Is that a duck?
259
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:29,868
The book, Bundy.
The book.
260
00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:33,067
Yeah, maybe,
it could be, uh...
261
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,901
Oh, here it is!
262
00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:45,601
The Little Engine That Could.
263
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:48,033
Boy, this brings back
a lot of memories.
264
00:13:48,033 --> 00:13:49,601
You planted that in there.
265
00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:51,234
Prove it, De Groot.
266
00:13:51,234 --> 00:13:54,267
[LAUGHS]
267
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,467
A loser?
268
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:58,200
I think not.
269
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,968
So I paid a little fine,
270
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:07,968
I apologized, that was it.
271
00:14:07,968 --> 00:14:09,000
Aw, see, Al?
272
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,601
You were worried
over nothing.
273
00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:11,834
Yep, you're right.
274
00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:14,367
Kids, let this be a lesson--
275
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:16,934
you can't do wrong
doing right.
276
00:14:16,934 --> 00:14:18,133
Let's get this...
277
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:20,434
FEMALE REPORTER:
On the darker side of the news,
278
00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:22,634
surveillance cameras
in the Oakwood Library
279
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:24,167
caught the man
280
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,834
with the most overdue book
in Chicago history
281
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:29,100
as he sneaked
The Little Engine That Could
282
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:32,467
back on the shelves
to avoid paying the fine.
283
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:33,968
Watch carefully in slow motion
284
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:37,601
as he distracts
and almost kills the librarian,
285
00:14:37,601 --> 00:14:40,067
then slips the book
back on the shelf.
286
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,000
So take a good look
at this man.
287
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,968
He's been identified
as Chicago's own Al Bundy,
288
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:51,100
in this reporter's opinion,
a true piece of human garbage.
289
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:56,133
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
290
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,801
Dad, let me try
something out on you.
291
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,133
How does this sound?
292
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:05,667
Bud...Smith.
293
00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:07,934
Yeah, Mom, we were watching.
294
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:10,934
Didn't he look good?
295
00:15:10,934 --> 00:15:13,434
Well, Daddy, this may be
the most embarrassing thing
296
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,634
that has ever happened
to this family.
297
00:15:15,634 --> 00:15:16,934
I mean,
we've been training
298
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:20,334
for something like this
all our lives, but...
299
00:15:20,334 --> 00:15:22,167
you're never really ready.
300
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:23,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
301
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:25,067
Gee, let me get that.
302
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,100
That's probably either
somebody telling me
303
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,801
I'm TIME magazine's,
Man Of The Year,
304
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:31,100
or it's Steve and Marcy.
305
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:36,534
Hi, Steve and Marcy.
What's new?
306
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:42,200
Weren't my property values
low enough?
307
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,767
I'm glad
you got caught, Al.
308
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:46,100
Oh, I think
we all are, Marce.
309
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,767
You serve as an example
for all our young readers,
310
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:50,334
showing them they must
be book smart,
311
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:51,834
not book cheats,
312
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:53,567
that the hand of
justice will triumph,
313
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:55,100
even if it must
reach down
314
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,634
to the very bowels
of the Earth--
315
00:16:04,801 --> 00:16:06,734
It was Steve and Marcy, Peg.
316
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:08,968
Gee, Al,
do you think this means
317
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,200
you'll be on
America's Most Wanted?
318
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:15,367
Daddy, why couldn't
you have gotten caught
319
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:18,200
robbing a bank
like Cindy's father?
320
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,801
I mean, at least
she can walk around
321
00:16:19,801 --> 00:16:21,167
with her head held high.
322
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,934
Yeah, Dad.
323
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,868
As the lone carrier
of the Bundy seed,
324
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:29,934
I foresee some lonely,
seedless nights.
325
00:16:29,934 --> 00:16:33,367
Family, first of all,
it was entrapment,
326
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,067
so legally
I feel vindicated.
327
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,601
And second...
328
00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:38,868
so what?
329
00:16:38,868 --> 00:16:40,767
Look, I know things
look dark right now,
330
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,133
but this is gonna blow over.
331
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:44,801
Who's up
for a game of Yahtzee?
332
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,067
Al, it doesn't matter
333
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:01,367
what anyone else
thinks about you.
334
00:17:01,367 --> 00:17:02,834
I just want you to know
335
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:05,400
that this hasn't changed
my feelings at all.
336
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,968
Gee, that's nice
of you, Peg.
337
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:11,167
Hey, you want to go upstairs
and fool around?
338
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:13,167
No.
339
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:21,801
Hi, Bud.
340
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:23,834
Hi, Kelly.
341
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,000
It's Jim.
342
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,133
And Natalie.
343
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:29,901
So, um, what's for dinner,
Aunt Peggy?
344
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:31,701
It's Ruth.
345
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:33,334
Ruth.
346
00:17:33,334 --> 00:17:35,901
Now, kids...
347
00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:40,467
go ahead and put your bags
in the closet, next to mine.
348
00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:43,033
And let's try
to cheer your father up.
349
00:17:43,033 --> 00:17:44,200
He's a little bit down,
350
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,300
what with that piece
on Paul Harvey.
351
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,834
I used to like him.
352
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:51,634
Oh, now, Al, don't worry.
353
00:17:51,634 --> 00:17:53,000
Honey, we've weathered
your paychecks,
354
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,234
we'll weather this too.
355
00:17:55,234 --> 00:17:56,267
[SIGHS]
356
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:57,834
And, Al, I want you to know
357
00:17:57,834 --> 00:18:00,067
that no matter how bad it gets,
358
00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:02,968
and I think I speak
for the kids too,
359
00:18:02,968 --> 00:18:07,767
we will not wear our bags
in the house.
360
00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:09,200
Right, kids?
361
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,334
Well, not in my room...
I can't make any promises.
362
00:18:11,334 --> 00:18:13,267
There, you feel better, Al?
363
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:16,968
Where you going, honey?
364
00:18:16,968 --> 00:18:18,400
I'm going to pay the fine.
365
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:19,834
It'll break us,
366
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:22,634
but at least we don't have
to be ashamed of who we are.
367
00:18:30,601 --> 00:18:32,634
[CLANKING]
368
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:46,267
Hello, Mr. Bundy,
I've been expecting you.
369
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:50,701
Hey, man, don't
Bundy that book.
370
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:57,834
You're quite famous, you know.
371
00:18:57,834 --> 00:18:59,234
This week, we've had
372
00:18:59,234 --> 00:19:01,367
34 overdue books
returned by mail...
373
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:03,167
with checks.
374
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:04,501
The children are terrified
375
00:19:04,501 --> 00:19:07,234
and treat each book
like fine china.
376
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:09,367
Mr. Bundy...
377
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:13,167
you've become the Freddy Krueger
of the library system.
378
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:15,033
Miss De Groot,
379
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:18,300
does the word "sooey"
mean anything to you?
380
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:22,534
Oh, children, quiet down,
or you'll wind up like this man.
381
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:26,100
You know, Mr. Bundy...
382
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,701
I've worked at
this library for 44 years.
383
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:32,701
I was eligible for retirement
three years ago.
384
00:19:32,701 --> 00:19:34,267
You know why I stayed?
385
00:19:35,167 --> 00:19:37,367
You learned to eat books?
386
00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:40,200
You're a horrible little boy.
387
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,300
I kept this job
for one reason...
388
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:46,400
I knew I'd nail you
and I did.
389
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,567
Pat Garrett got Billy The Kid,
390
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:52,000
and I finally got you.
391
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,667
My job is over.
392
00:19:53,667 --> 00:19:56,601
Today is my last day.
393
00:19:56,601 --> 00:19:58,334
You know, it's funny...
394
00:19:58,334 --> 00:20:00,601
I could have given you
amnesty on the book.
395
00:20:00,601 --> 00:20:03,000
I would have for anybody else...
396
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,968
but I always hated you.
397
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:11,000
Is it wrong
to hate a 9-year-old boy?
398
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,934
No.
399
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:15,234
Not when that boy is you.
400
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:17,634
It's the joy of my life
to see you grow up
401
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,868
like I always knew you would:
402
00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:22,968
a total and complete loser.
403
00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:26,400
Today, when I get
in my car
404
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,834
and leave this place
for the last time,
405
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,567
I will be whole.
406
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:34,067
Your shame is my gold watch.
407
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:39,100
So you think
I'm a loser.
408
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:41,701
Just because I have
a stinking job that I hate,
409
00:20:41,701 --> 00:20:44,000
a family
that doesn't respect me,
410
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,567
a whole city
that curses the day I was born.
411
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,734
Well, that may mean
loser to you,
412
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:52,334
but let me tell you something.
413
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:53,701
Every morning when I wake up,
414
00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:55,901
I know it's not
going to get any better
415
00:20:55,901 --> 00:20:58,434
until I go back to sleep again.
416
00:20:58,434 --> 00:20:59,868
So I get up,
417
00:20:59,868 --> 00:21:03,868
have my watered-down Tang
and still-frozen Pop Tart,
418
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:06,601
get in my car,
with no upholstery, no gas
419
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:08,267
and six more payments,
420
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,467
to fight traffic
421
00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:11,567
just for the privilege
of putting cheap shoes
422
00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:16,133
on the cloven hooves
of people like you.
423
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:19,200
I'll never play football
like I thought I would.
424
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,434
I'll never know the touch
of a beautiful woman.
425
00:21:22,434 --> 00:21:24,734
And I'll never again
know the joy of driving
426
00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:27,334
without a bag on my head.
427
00:21:27,334 --> 00:21:29,801
But I'm not a loser,
428
00:21:29,801 --> 00:21:31,634
because despite it all,
429
00:21:31,634 --> 00:21:33,300
me and every other guy
430
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:35,501
who will never be
what he wanted to be,
431
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:38,267
are still out there being
what we don't want to be
432
00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:41,067
40 hours a week for life.
433
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:44,100
And the fact that I haven't put
a gun in my mouth,
434
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,033
you pudding of a woman,
435
00:21:46,033 --> 00:21:48,834
makes me a winner!
436
00:21:57,033 --> 00:21:58,601
No, Mr. Bundy,
437
00:21:58,601 --> 00:22:00,701
that's what makes you a loser.
438
00:22:00,701 --> 00:22:03,534
You see, you could've made
something of your life,
439
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:05,167
I suppose,
440
00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:06,968
but you never followed through.
441
00:22:06,968 --> 00:22:09,601
That's always been your problem.
442
00:22:09,601 --> 00:22:11,434
Like I always told you:
443
00:22:11,434 --> 00:22:14,234
Make a promise, keep a promise.
444
00:22:14,234 --> 00:22:16,801
And maybe if you did that
just once,
445
00:22:16,801 --> 00:22:18,200
you'd be a winner.
446
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,267
Thank you,
Miss De Groot.
447
00:22:21,267 --> 00:22:22,734
As a matter of fact,
448
00:22:22,734 --> 00:22:24,567
I'm going to start keeping
promises right now.
449
00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:26,000
You won't.
450
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,234
Yes, I will.
451
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,067
[***]1
00:00:03,534 --> 00:00:06,701
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:14,801 --> 00:01:16,534
They don't fit,
3
00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:19,534
and your ad said,
"We fit every foot."
4
00:01:19,534 --> 00:01:22,367
Yes, ma'am, but our problem is
what we're dealing with
5
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:24,667
is not what Webster meant
by "feet."
6
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,701
Now, let's face it, girls,
7
00:01:26,701 --> 00:01:30,434
what we've got here
are rib roasts with nails.
8
00:01:30,434 --> 00:01:31,834
Now, what I would suggest
9
00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:34,234
is surrounding your tootsies
with those little brown potatoes
10
00:01:34,234 --> 00:01:36,501
wrapped in foil
and serve with dry wine.
11
00:01:36,501 --> 00:01:37,601
Oh!
12
00:01:37,601 --> 00:01:38,868
Well!
13
00:01:48,367 --> 00:01:49,501
Oh, over here, dear.
14
00:01:49,501 --> 00:01:51,400
Just put them anywhere.
15
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,501
Hi, Al.
16
00:01:52,501 --> 00:01:54,167
Honey, you would've been
so proud of me.
17
00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:58,834
I spent every penny you have,
but not a cent more.
18
00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:01,067
Now I need a little tip
for Alejandro.
19
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,601
Sure. Don't touch my wife.
20
00:02:06,234 --> 00:02:08,634
Kmart, tomorrow,
10-ish.
21
00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:11,133
Peg, I understand
your great need to shop.
22
00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:12,868
After all,
you have to do something
23
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:15,400
to break up
that nothing you do at home,
24
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:16,534
but, you know,
25
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,300
as I was vacuuming
my shirt this morning,
26
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,968
I said to myself,
"Hey, I got a wife. I have to.
27
00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:25,334
Why else would I not care
about my health?"
28
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:26,567
What's your point, Al?
29
00:02:26,567 --> 00:02:29,133
I don't have
any clean shirts, Peg.
30
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:31,367
Do what I do,
buy a new one.
31
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:34,133
Well, I would have,
but I didn't want to wake you,
32
00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:36,601
prying my wallet
out of your claws.
33
00:02:36,601 --> 00:02:38,067
Let's try this,
34
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:41,200
pretend the mall closes at 3,
go home and clean my clothes.
35
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,267
What am I being punished for?
36
00:02:44,934 --> 00:02:47,801
Okay, Al, I'll do the wash,
37
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,434
but first,
give me some more money.
38
00:02:49,434 --> 00:02:51,133
I need quarters for the machine.
39
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:53,133
Hey, you're not gonna get me
with that one twice.
40
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:54,000
We own that machine.
41
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,601
I don't wanna do the wash, Al.
42
00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:02,801
There's nothing to buy there.
43
00:03:02,801 --> 00:03:04,234
I know, let's compromise.
44
00:03:04,234 --> 00:03:06,267
Gimme some money,
and on your way home,
45
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:09,400
you can pick up Chinese food,
and we'll have a nice dinner.
46
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,767
Peg, I'm serious.
Look at this shirt.
47
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:14,434
It doesn't show up in a mirror.
48
00:03:14,434 --> 00:03:16,300
Now, go home, do the wash.
49
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,834
Until then, you're cut off,
understand? No money.
50
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:20,634
Yes, Al.
51
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,033
Now, if you'll excuse me,
52
00:03:22,033 --> 00:03:24,834
the sun is setting,
and my shirt wants to party.
53
00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:26,234
I have to put these shoes away.
54
00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:29,634
Al...
55
00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:31,934
No more money!
56
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:34,868
[SILENTLY]
57
00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:45,234
[SNEEZES, REGISTER DINGS]
58
00:03:46,734 --> 00:03:48,667
AL: Bless you!
59
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,934
Thank you, dear!
60
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:56,033
[COUGHS]
61
00:03:56,033 --> 00:03:58,100
Better take something
for that cough, Peg.
62
00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:00,400
Oh, I already did.
63
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,767
Honey, I'm gonna go home now
64
00:04:03,767 --> 00:04:06,667
and think about
doing your laundry.
65
00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:10,300
Oh.
Oh.
66
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,501
E-excuse me, ma'am.
67
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,367
Uh, where's the pharmacy?
68
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,934
Thank you, ma'am.
69
00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:23,868
Al...Al!
70
00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:25,234
Guess what I just saw.
71
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,534
A mother
with her children.
72
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,267
No.
73
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,667
Al, I just saw Elvis.
74
00:04:30,667 --> 00:04:31,968
Elvis who, Peg?
75
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:33,801
Elvis Presley.
76
00:04:33,801 --> 00:04:35,100
The King.
77
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,868
The Pelvis.
78
00:04:36,868 --> 00:04:38,968
Peg, let me explain
three things to you.
79
00:04:38,968 --> 00:04:41,334
Number one, Elvis is dead.
80
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:43,567
Number two, Elvis wasn't
any good when he was alive.
81
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:45,200
And number three,
if he was alive,
82
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,000
he'd want you to clean my shirt.
83
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,200
You don't believe me?
84
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,400
As much as I believed you
85
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,133
when you told me
cleaning promotes heart disease.
86
00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:54,100
Well, that was a mistake.
87
00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:55,133
They meant smoking,
88
00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:57,334
but I didn't want
to quit smoking.
89
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:59,801
Honey, I really did.
I just saw Elvis.
90
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:01,767
There's only one dead guy
in the mall, Peg,
91
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:03,601
and you're looking at him.
92
00:05:03,601 --> 00:05:05,901
Now, go home
and clean my shirt!
93
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:08,267
Al, I saw Elvis.
94
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,567
And if it turns out
that it really was him,
95
00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:13,667
I want you to give me $500.
96
00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:15,367
Peg, if it turns out
to be Elvis,
97
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,167
I'll give you everything I have.
98
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:19,234
I'd rather have $500.
99
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,767
So I searched
every store in the mall,
100
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,801
but Elvis was gone.
101
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:26,634
I know it was him, Marcy.
102
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:29,267
He looked just like he did
when they buried him.
103
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:32,601
I loved Elvis.
I wish he were alive.
104
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:35,601
He's the one person
I'd cheat on Steve with.
105
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:39,667
Well...him and
Boom Boom Mancini.
106
00:05:40,834 --> 00:05:43,167
I'm telling you, Marcy,
I saw him.
107
00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:45,534
Look, Peggy, a lot of people
think they saw Elvis.
108
00:05:45,534 --> 00:05:47,968
He was an idol, a sex symbol.
109
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:49,667
And with men
what they are today,
110
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:51,834
is it any wonder
we look to the dead
111
00:05:51,834 --> 00:05:54,267
for a little excitement.
112
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:55,901
Believe me, Peggy,
113
00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:58,701
no one wishes he were alive
more than I do.
114
00:05:58,701 --> 00:06:00,701
I've been to Graceland.
115
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,567
I saw him in Vegas.
116
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:08,200
His buns alive with magic.
117
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:13,067
His voice pulsing through me,
reaching my secret places.
118
00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:16,234
His hips undulating,
swirling, grinding,
119
00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:18,400
driving his essence
into my very soul
120
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,267
again and again,
121
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:22,767
faster and faster until...
122
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,234
until...
123
00:06:24,234 --> 00:06:26,133
[GASP SHIVERS]
124
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:36,968
Can I have a cigarette?
125
00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:43,734
Anyhow, what I'm saying here
is Elvis is dead,
126
00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:46,167
and we should get on
with our lives.
127
00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:47,167
Oh, God.
128
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:50,834
Do you realize
129
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:54,667
that you just had more sex
today in this house
130
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:58,834
than I've had
in 16 years of marriage...
131
00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:01,634
and it lasted longer.
132
00:07:02,968 --> 00:07:04,601
Oh, well.
133
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,467
At least I've got my health.
134
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:07,434
[BELL RINGS]
135
00:07:08,734 --> 00:07:10,033
Come in!
136
00:07:10,033 --> 00:07:14,734
No, Peggy,
that's the dryer.
137
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:16,734
It means it's done.
138
00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:18,634
Well, what do we do now?
139
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:20,033
You fold them.
140
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:21,767
Oh, I don't like this at all.
141
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,901
Oh, Marcy,
he was so real.
142
00:07:25,901 --> 00:07:27,701
Can you imagine what
it must have been like
143
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:29,400
to really be
married to Elvis?
144
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,767
And to have his baby.
145
00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:33,868
But Steve's
just as good.
146
00:07:33,868 --> 00:07:35,567
[BOTH LAUGH]
147
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,234
See, Peggy,
washing isn't so bad.
148
00:07:40,234 --> 00:07:41,767
Yeah, you could
be right.
149
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:42,834
It's a lot better
150
00:07:42,834 --> 00:07:45,567
than just throwing
these clothes away.
151
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:49,534
Gee, you can use them
again and again.
152
00:07:49,534 --> 00:07:51,734
Marcy, this is remarkable.
153
00:07:51,734 --> 00:07:54,267
You got all the yellow out.
154
00:07:54,267 --> 00:07:58,200
Al's T-shirts
are gray again.
155
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,267
And all the stains
are gone.
156
00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:04,300
Oh, except
for this one.
157
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,300
Give me that.
158
00:08:07,868 --> 00:08:09,234
Oh, my God.
159
00:08:09,234 --> 00:08:10,434
Oh, don't worry, Marce.
160
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:13,234
The numbing in the fingers
is only temporary.
161
00:08:13,234 --> 00:08:15,434
It's caused by
the special oils and spices
162
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,434
in Al's body.
163
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:19,133
No, Peggy.
164
00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:21,100
Look at the stain.
165
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,734
It's the King.
166
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:25,734
Yeah, it's a good one,
167
00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:28,501
but by no means
one of Al's best.
168
00:08:28,501 --> 00:08:31,634
No, look at
the shape of it.
169
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:33,100
It's Elvis' face.
170
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:37,801
Al sweated Elvis.
171
00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:39,334
It does look like him.
172
00:08:39,334 --> 00:08:40,400
It is him.
173
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:41,934
It's a sign.
174
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:43,334
You did see Elvis.
175
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:44,400
You've been chosen.
176
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:49,334
Elvis is alive
in Al's underwear.
177
00:08:49,334 --> 00:08:54,133
Poor Elvis.
178
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,901
First Vegas and now this.
179
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:58,300
Let's see what else he sweat.
180
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,000
You know, Marce,
181
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,100
I've always wondered
why Al was born,
182
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,767
now it's so clear.
183
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:08,367
Al's armpits are the doorway
to another dimension.
184
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,667
Quick, Al, raise your arms.
185
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,033
Quick, Al, lower them.
186
00:09:17,934 --> 00:09:21,501
It's death, all right,
but nobody we know.
187
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:24,334
The rest of this stuff
is clean. Damn it.
188
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:26,200
Excuse me, uh, Peg,
189
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,734
but much like I said
on our honeymoon,
190
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,701
what's happening here?
191
00:09:30,701 --> 00:09:33,868
Look, Al.
You sweated Elvis.
192
00:09:33,868 --> 00:09:36,300
Peg, if Elvis was married
to you, he'd sweat me.
193
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,634
What's your point, Peg?
194
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:42,000
Honest, honey,
you sweated Elvis Presley.
195
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,734
You know, you may have
the brains of a shoe salesman,
196
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:47,968
but you have the pores
of Michelangelo.
197
00:09:47,968 --> 00:09:49,868
Al, do you know
what this means?
198
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:52,667
That the tough part of my day
is not over yet?
199
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:56,601
No, Al, it means I really did
see Elvis in the mall.
200
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:57,901
It means he is alive,
201
00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:00,467
and it means
he's trying to contact me.
202
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:04,801
Oh, honey, I finally understand
the real purpose of my life.
203
00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:06,868
It's to use you.
204
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,901
Not as I have been,
205
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,801
but as an extension cord
to the King.
206
00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:17,000
He's alive!
He's alive!
207
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,300
She saw him!
208
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,067
You wanna
see Elvis?
209
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:21,634
I'll show you Elvis.
210
00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:34,968
Now that we've seen Elvis
and felt his presence,
211
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,200
let's honor him
212
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,133
by doing something
he really loved to do:
213
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:39,701
eat dinner.
214
00:10:41,334 --> 00:10:44,701
Now, I'm going to do something
that Al Bundy loves to do.
215
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:53,868
Oh, uh...
216
00:10:53,868 --> 00:10:58,167
I'll let you know
if I conjure up any superstars.
217
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:05,234
Heathen.
218
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:07,133
Don't let anyone
touch that shirt.
219
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,067
The world must know.
220
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,367
I'm going to call
my Elvis fan club hotline.
221
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:12,534
Then what will happen?
222
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,968
They may send a representative.
223
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,300
[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
224
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:27,067
Get your dogs!
225
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:30,934
Get your Elvis "You Ain't
Nothin' But A Hound" dogs!
226
00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:33,133
I'll take 10.
227
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,234
And then
Elvis said to me,
228
00:11:35,234 --> 00:11:38,968
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"Peggy, I could've talked
through anyone,
229
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:40,767
"but I chose you,
230
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:44,367
"because I like a woman
with tall hair."
231
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:46,467
[SIGHS]
232
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:51,434
And then we held hands.
233
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:53,167
This one.
234
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:54,133
[GASPS, SIGHS]
235
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:03,133
And then,
as if the kiss wasn't enough,
236
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:05,534
Elvis gave me a massage.
237
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:07,033
Oh.
Ooh.
238
00:12:07,033 --> 00:12:10,734
Uh, Peggy,
can I see you a minute?
239
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,367
Did he really
give you a massage?
240
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:18,033
Well, it was more like
he kind of bumped into me,
241
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:20,133
but, you know,
when you're married to Al,
242
00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:22,434
that is a massage.
243
00:12:22,434 --> 00:12:24,334
Go on, go on.
244
00:12:24,334 --> 00:12:26,968
Well, then he said,
"Leave your husband.
245
00:12:26,968 --> 00:12:29,934
"He ain't nothin'
but a hound dog.
246
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:31,267
"Come with me,
247
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:34,667
"and we'll enjoy a life
of fast living, fast cars
248
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,467
and fast food."
249
00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:38,968
He actually said that?
250
00:12:38,968 --> 00:12:43,167
Well, his exact words were,
"Excuse me, ma'am,"
251
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:45,834
but it was the way he said it.
252
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:48,534
Oh, I envy you, Peggy.
253
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:49,901
My only brush with destiny
254
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:52,801
was when Clark Gable
came to me in a dream and said,
255
00:12:52,801 --> 00:12:56,367
"Keep your own teeth
as long as you can."
256
00:12:56,367 --> 00:13:00,067
Then Steve's stupid appendix
burst, and I woke up.
257
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:01,501
That's Steve for you.
258
00:13:01,501 --> 00:13:04,200
Now every time I see that scar,
I think what might have been.
259
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,834
Come on, Marcy, snap out of it.
260
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:10,267
Clark Gable is dead.
261
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:12,133
Let's get back to the living.
262
00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:13,534
Now, when Elvis comes for me--
263
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:15,100
Uh, pardon me.
264
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:17,467
Could you please show us again
how Elvis sneered
265
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:20,434
when he found out
your husband sold shoes?
266
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:22,934
Excuse me, Marcy, my public.
267
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:30,767
Aw, God, what a miserable day.
268
00:13:30,767 --> 00:13:32,334
Peg, want to get me a beer?
269
00:13:32,334 --> 00:13:33,667
[SIGHS]
270
00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:34,567
Peg--
271
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,734
Will somebody talk to me here?
272
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:45,601
Sure, Daddy.
Get up and go away.
273
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:47,234
The Webstocks are on
our package deal,
274
00:13:47,234 --> 00:13:48,634
which includes
a tour of the grounds
275
00:13:48,634 --> 00:13:49,834
and priority seating.
276
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,067
So why don't you go upstairs
277
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:52,734
and make change
for the pay toilet?
278
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:55,300
I'm Myra Webstock.
279
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,868
We're up from Tecumseh, Iowa.
280
00:13:56,868 --> 00:13:59,701
Don't you just love Elvis?
281
00:13:59,701 --> 00:14:02,367
Get out!
282
00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:05,434
Daddy, be nice.
283
00:14:05,434 --> 00:14:06,467
Don't you understand?
284
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:07,868
We're competing with
Graceland here.
285
00:14:07,868 --> 00:14:09,334
Go to your room.
286
00:14:09,334 --> 00:14:13,667
I can't, Dad.
That's our Heartbreak Hotel.
287
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:18,534
Why is it that Elvis is dead,
and I'm the one in hell?
288
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:22,067
You know, the woman in Denver
who saw Elvis in her eggs
289
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:24,634
was much nicer.
290
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,267
Everyone...
291
00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:27,901
Everyone,
I want you to meet the man
292
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,901
that sweated Elvis--
293
00:14:29,901 --> 00:14:35,868
My husband,
the man with the golden gland.
294
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:37,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
295
00:14:42,434 --> 00:14:44,467
Hi there. I'm Ollie.
296
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,501
I'm Lew.
297
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:46,834
We're with 20th Century Shrines.
298
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:48,767
That's for me, Dad.
299
00:14:48,767 --> 00:14:51,734
Bundy's the name,
bilking the public's my game.
300
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:54,200
Well, we have
your order right here.
301
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,501
Let's see...
302
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,100
"Two gross
of skinny Elvis pens,
303
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,133
Mm-hmmm.
Yep.
304
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,868
"Two gross
of fat Elvis pens,
305
00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:03,133
1000 rolls of Love Me Tender
toilet paper."
306
00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:04,300
Yep.
307
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,467
Wait a second.
308
00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:07,067
Where's my Jailhouse Rock
shower soap?
309
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,133
Uh...we're out.
Big prison order.
310
00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:10,100
Damn!
311
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:17,000
Dad, could you raise
both your arms?
312
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,834
The Webstocks want to
put each of their heads
313
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:22,167
under there
for a picture.
314
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:23,767
There's five bucks
in it for you.
315
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:26,734
Is there no pride
left in this family?
316
00:15:26,734 --> 00:15:28,400
And then I said,
317
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,901
"Hey, Elvis. Tell me true,
318
00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:34,601
who do you like better,
Priscilla or me?"
319
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:37,801
and he raised his head up
from that pizza,
320
00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:39,801
and with pepperoni
on his breath,
321
00:15:39,801 --> 00:15:42,701
he sang this to me:
322
00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:45,834
* Well, since my baby left me *
323
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:48,734
* I've found a new place
To dwell *
324
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:50,300
* It's down
At the end-- *
325
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,534
Dad, Dad, Dad,
here's a quarter.
326
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:52,534
Throw it at Mom,
327
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:53,968
we'll get
the ball rolling.
328
00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:56,000
Kids, don't you see
what you're doing here?
329
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,267
You're taking money
off of hard-working morons.
330
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:03,200
How are you gonna
sleep at night?
331
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,300
Well, we could always
rest our heads on this.
332
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,501
[CAR HORN HONKS]
333
00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:07,501
[GASPS]
334
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:08,601
They're here!
335
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,000
They're here!
336
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:12,400
Peg, what are you doing?
337
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,901
You know I had a hard day.
338
00:16:13,901 --> 00:16:16,868
All I want is some peace,
a meal and some hemlock.
339
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,300
Is that too much to ask?
340
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,667
Boy, you just can't stand
341
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:22,667
not being the center
of attention.
342
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:24,400
It's finally
my moment in the sun,
343
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,968
and here you are,
Mr. Total Eclipse.
344
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:29,534
What could Elvis
have been thinking
345
00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:31,634
when he sweated himself
through you?
346
00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:32,901
Well, it was probably
347
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:34,901
one of those spontaneous,
happy-go-lucky things
348
00:16:34,901 --> 00:16:36,601
that dead guys do.
349
00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:38,567
All right, everybody,
announcement.
350
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:39,567
Announcement.
351
00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:40,901
This is my home.
352
00:16:40,901 --> 00:16:42,734
And I want everybody to get--
353
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:44,033
Peggy...
354
00:16:44,033 --> 00:16:45,200
I'd like you to meet
355
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,434
the National Academy
of Elvis Impersonators.
356
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:52,000
Howdy, ma'am.
357
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,234
Howdy, ma'am.
358
00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:58,634
Howdy, ma'am.
359
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,734
Howdy, ma'am.
360
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:10,267
[TOGETHER]
Howdy, ma'am.
361
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,634
Look, Al, Elvii.
362
00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:23,300
Peg, I'm going to say this
as plainly as I can:
363
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,534
It's either Elvis or me.
364
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:26,834
Now, what's it gonna be?
365
00:17:34,934 --> 00:17:36,367
[BANGS]
366
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,367
8:00, Bundy!
367
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:41,234
Thanks, Clyde.
368
00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:45,834
Ahhh...
369
00:17:46,868 --> 00:17:47,868
[KNOCKS]
370
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,367
Where the hell were you
last night, Steve?
371
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,767
I banged on your door
for 15 minutes.
372
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,634
I was looking
for a place to stay.
373
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:02,434
Why didn't you stay
at the Elvis tent city
374
00:18:02,434 --> 00:18:05,100
that sprang up on my lawn?
375
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,234
Let me get to the point
of my visit, Al.
376
00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:08,901
I'm suing you.
377
00:18:08,901 --> 00:18:10,167
My wife won't leave
your house.
378
00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:13,100
Well, neither will mine,
but they threw me out of court.
379
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,467
This Elvis thing
is ruining my life.
380
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:20,701
I used to have a wife
that enjoyed my company.
381
00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:22,701
We'd come home from work,
we'd talk, we'd laugh,
382
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,767
we'd share
little banking anecdotes.
383
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,267
That was before...
384
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:29,667
your wife and your sweat stain
ruined my life.
385
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:31,367
Now Marcy's at your house,
386
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:33,734
and it's pretty difficult
to discuss supply-side economics
387
00:18:33,734 --> 00:18:36,300
with a woman who's riding
on the shoulders of a black man,
388
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,701
singing "Viva Las Vegas".
389
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:41,434
So, what's your beef, Steve?
390
00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:43,400
I want my wife back.
391
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,000
Steve, if it was up to me,
you'd have your wife back,
392
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,300
and mine too,
393
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:48,667
but it's not up to me.
394
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:51,601
Our women
have gone insane.
395
00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:52,934
And I've learned,
396
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:54,400
much like when they're shopping,
sick or horny...
397
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,701
best to stay out of their way.
398
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:06,801
Why is it only women see Elvis?
399
00:19:06,801 --> 00:19:10,501
Men at least see UFOs,
something useful for mankind.
400
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:14,000
Well, I think we see UFOs
because we have to.
401
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,100
It's the only way
we can get outta here.
402
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,601
The only thing
that keeps me going
403
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:21,334
is thinking,
one day, a spaceship will land.
404
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:24,033
Hopefully, on garbage day.
405
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:29,667
Then, a gorgeous Martian
with three big hooters comes out
406
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:32,534
and says, "I can't speak.
I have no parents,
407
00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:35,133
"and I have no idea
what good sex is.
408
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,834
Hop aboard.
My planet, su planet."
409
00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:40,734
What's the third hooter for?
410
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:43,767
One on the back for dancing.
411
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,801
You know what the worst part is?
412
00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:55,267
No one dances slow anymore?
413
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:56,734
[LAUGHS]
414
00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:57,901
No.
415
00:19:57,901 --> 00:20:00,100
It's that there are people
out there
416
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:01,601
even dumber than women.
417
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,334
And they're at my house
right now,
418
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:06,667
buying rides on my couch.
419
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:09,734
Gee, I wish I was
a lowlife con man like my kids,
420
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:12,334
so I could make some money
off this thing.
421
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:14,033
Aw, give yourself
some credit, Al.
422
00:20:14,033 --> 00:20:15,167
You're low enough,
423
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:16,234
you're just not
smart enough.
424
00:20:16,234 --> 00:20:17,434
Thanks, Steve.
425
00:20:17,434 --> 00:20:19,334
Aw, come on,
I'm not telling you anything
426
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:20,634
that Peggy hasn't told Marcy
427
00:20:20,634 --> 00:20:22,901
and Marcy hasn't told me
a thousand times.
428
00:20:22,901 --> 00:20:24,200
Point is
429
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,601
why should everyone make money
off your sweat but you?
430
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,000
And me.
431
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:32,100
You know what we say
at the bank,
432
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:35,534
"When opportunity knocks,
that's us foreclosing."
433
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,868
We got to get
in on this, Al.
434
00:20:37,868 --> 00:20:38,868
Well, I don't know, Steve.
435
00:20:38,868 --> 00:20:40,067
My kids got
the market cornered.
436
00:20:40,067 --> 00:20:41,067
They're selling everything.
437
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:42,200
What's left?
438
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,267
I mean, what really
says "Elvis"?
439
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:45,400
Um...
440
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,200
Shoes.
441
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,634
Blue suede shoes.
442
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:53,334
We can sell blue suede shoes!
443
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:56,400
Ooh, Al, I like it.
I like it.
444
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,167
All right, now...
445
00:20:58,167 --> 00:20:59,968
I'll be the brains
and the money,
446
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,000
and you, you'll be, uh...
447
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,834
Well, you'll be in the way.
Partners?
448
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,901
Get your blue suede shoe--
449
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:15,534
Peg...
450
00:21:15,534 --> 00:21:18,567
What did you do now?
451
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:20,300
Oh, Al.
452
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:22,734
Something terrible has happened.
453
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:25,801
Elvis was spotted
in Youngstown, Ohio,
454
00:21:25,801 --> 00:21:30,267
buying quarter-inch lug nuts
at Willie Hardware and Lumber.
455
00:21:30,267 --> 00:21:33,701
As if the King
would really do that.
456
00:21:33,701 --> 00:21:35,000
Do you know what this means?
457
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,767
Now, I am just
an ordinary woman...
458
00:21:38,767 --> 00:21:40,934
married to you.
459
00:21:40,934 --> 00:21:43,267
Oh, Al, I'm so depressed.
460
00:21:43,267 --> 00:21:45,000
Hold me.
461
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,567
Steve, we've got 700 pairs
of blue suede shoes.
462
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:48,767
What are we going to do?
463
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:51,067
Oh, Al, I'm so depressed.
464
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:52,133
Hold me.
465
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,701
People are so stupid.
466
00:21:57,701 --> 00:22:01,567
Elvis didn't say
a thing to me about Ohio.
467
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:04,334
He probably found out
I had children.
468
00:22:04,334 --> 00:22:07,901
I knew those kids
would ruin my life.
469
00:22:07,901 --> 00:22:10,400
Look, I'm gonna drive
down to Youngstown
470
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,267
right now and straighten
this thing out.
471
00:22:12,267 --> 00:22:14,667
Steve, that's it.
We'll go to Youngstown.
472
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:15,901
You'd do that for me?
473
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,300
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
474
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:18,434
Sure, Peg, right. For you.
475
00:22:18,434 --> 00:22:21,534
Grab the shoes, Steve,
let's go!
476
00:22:40,801 --> 00:22:42,167
[***]1
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:06,367
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:19,033
You want
another burger, Al?
3
00:01:19,033 --> 00:01:20,701
They're almost finished.
4
00:01:26,868 --> 00:01:29,901
You made 'em
just like I like 'em.
5
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:31,200
Dark.
6
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,000
There you go, honey.
7
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,167
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
8
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:44,100
Well...
9
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,367
Urp!
10
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,167
I'm full.
11
00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:50,300
Okay, honey, now it's time
to do your chores.
12
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:53,901
Wait a second, Peg.
We had sex three nights ago.
13
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,601
I'm still kind of woozy.
14
00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:57,868
The garbage, Al.
15
00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,968
The longer
of the two jobs.
16
00:02:01,968 --> 00:02:04,534
And the more rewarding.
17
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:11,367
Don't you even know
how to do that?
18
00:02:11,367 --> 00:02:13,901
Aw, thanks, Peg.
Now it's exactly like sex.
19
00:02:18,434 --> 00:02:20,434
I can't believe it.
20
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:21,734
I failed.
21
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:24,100
Which class was it this time?
22
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,667
Oh, Daddy,
I'm not talking about school.
23
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:29,000
Why would I care about that?
24
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:33,234
Mom, I flirted with a boy,
and he paid no attention to me.
25
00:02:33,234 --> 00:02:34,901
Oh, honey.
26
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,000
Well, you can't give up.
27
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,000
You've gotta
keep on trying.
28
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,400
Well, there's nowhere left to go
29
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,200
once you've stood
in the boys' shower,
30
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,434
wearing a sign
that says "soap."
31
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:51,834
Hey, I play for keeps.
32
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:54,267
It's unbelievable.
33
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:56,267
Every time I've wanted a guy,
I've gotten him.
34
00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:58,267
I mean, I'm famous for it,
35
00:02:58,267 --> 00:02:59,868
but this guy won't even
look at me.
36
00:02:59,868 --> 00:03:01,167
Mom, you've got to help me.
37
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:02,968
What did you do
in school to get guys?
38
00:03:02,968 --> 00:03:06,701
Same thing she does now
to chase them away.
39
00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:08,601
Daddy, we're talking.
40
00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:10,934
Just clean up the garbage, Al.
41
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:12,601
Oh, God.
42
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,634
Well, Kelly,
43
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:16,734
a good place to start
44
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:19,033
is to pretend that you have
a common interest.
45
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,400
Now, what does this guy like?
46
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,100
Football.
47
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,334
Everyone wants
a football player.
48
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:27,033
I played football.
49
00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:30,033
You know, football players
aren't very bright,
50
00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:32,067
and they usually wind up
doing menial jobs
51
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,167
for minimum wage,
52
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:37,167
desperately clinging
to their former glory.
53
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:40,367
Yep, yep. They called me
Touchdown Bundy.
54
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:43,300
Yeah, I was great.
55
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,400
Mom, I have never failed
at getting a guy.
56
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,467
I mean, once that goes,
I'm nothing.
57
00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,033
No, Kel.
58
00:03:49,033 --> 00:03:51,033
Once the lips
stop saying, "Yes,"
59
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:52,734
and the eyes
stop saying, "Duh,"
60
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:55,133
then you're nothing.
61
00:03:55,133 --> 00:03:58,167
If only it was
as easy for me
62
00:03:58,167 --> 00:03:59,834
as it is for Bud.
63
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,234
A Penthouse,
a night light,
64
00:04:01,234 --> 00:04:02,968
and a pillow
named Shirley.
65
00:04:06,534 --> 00:04:09,968
One problem at a time, kids.
66
00:04:09,968 --> 00:04:13,067
Now, Kelly, here's what
I think you're doing wrong.
67
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:15,000
Stop flirting with this boy
at school.
68
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,300
Get him alone
with no distractions.
69
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,634
Get him to tell you all
his secret dreams and hopes,
70
00:04:20,634 --> 00:04:25,300
and then use them
to crush him.
71
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:29,067
The important thing is
to go after what you want.
72
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,601
I did.
73
00:04:31,601 --> 00:04:34,067
AL: Peg, I stepped
in the garbage can,
74
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,701
and I can't get out!
75
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,567
I'll be right there, Al!
76
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:43,934
Just be sure it really is
what you want.
77
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:49,467
Hey, no-life,
I need a favor.
78
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,300
I want you help me
get this guy.
79
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:52,400
What's wrong,
80
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,601
the breakaway blouse
isn't working?
81
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:59,801
Hey, I'm asking you nice,
you little eunuch.
82
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:01,167
Anyway, I have an idea.
83
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,634
I checked up on this guy,
84
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:05,033
and I know he's not doing
too good in English.
85
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,801
"Well," Kelly.
86
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:09,501
Well what?
87
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:10,968
[SIGHS]
88
00:05:13,234 --> 00:05:16,567
Okay. So he ain't done
no good in English.
89
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:17,634
So what?
90
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,934
Okay, once again.
91
00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:24,467
In Of Mice And Men,
the big one was...
92
00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:25,467
Lenny.
93
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:26,968
Very good.
94
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:28,167
And the little one was...
95
00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:31,200
Squiggy?
96
00:05:33,868 --> 00:05:37,234
Good. Good.
97
00:05:37,234 --> 00:05:40,501
Now that we've, uh,
conquered literature,
98
00:05:40,501 --> 00:05:41,868
let's move on to spelling.
99
00:05:41,868 --> 00:05:43,167
First word...
100
00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:47,133
"Tramp."
101
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:52,467
Okay, I think it's time
for a break.
102
00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:53,667
Now, listen, Matt.
103
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:55,701
You just stay here
and run the alphabet
104
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:57,367
from A to F
like we've been doing.
105
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,067
I'm Kelly.
106
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:08,868
Remember? We met in
the boys' shower the other day?
107
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,701
Oh, yeah. The soup girl.
108
00:06:12,701 --> 00:06:16,200
The soap girl.
109
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,534
S-O-P-E.
110
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,601
You're a football player.
111
00:06:25,601 --> 00:06:27,501
I have a football
question for you.
112
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:33,434
I get cramps
in my leg right here.
113
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,701
Do you think
you could get that out?
114
00:06:35,701 --> 00:06:39,000
Well, it may take some time,
but I'll do what I can.
115
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:43,133
Uh, hi, Dad.
116
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:45,667
Dad, I'm Kelly,
and this is Matt.
117
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:48,200
I'd like you to meet us.
118
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:52,501
Nice to meet you, Kelly.
119
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:55,400
So, uh, you're
the football player, huh?
120
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:56,968
You know, I used
to play football.
121
00:06:56,968 --> 00:06:59,300
You remember
the Panthers of '66?
122
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:02,701
Yeah, they were the last
championship team at our school.
123
00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:03,934
Daddy...
124
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,767
AL:
Later, Kelly.
125
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:07,567
You know who the fullback was
on that team?
126
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:08,567
Take a guess.
127
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:10,934
Red Grange?
128
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:12,901
Well, close.
129
00:07:12,901 --> 00:07:14,167
Me.
130
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,634
You're Red Grange?
131
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:17,868
Pleased to meet you, sir.
132
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:19,634
Uh, I'm pleased to meet you too,
133
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:24,100
but you can call me
by my nickname, Al Bundy.
134
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:25,367
Daddy...
135
00:07:25,367 --> 00:07:26,767
So, what position
do you play, son?
136
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:27,934
Fullback.
Yeah?
137
00:07:27,934 --> 00:07:30,200
Well, we went both ways
in our day.
138
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,300
Well, now a lot of
the guys on the team
139
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,734
go both ways.
140
00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:35,000
Not me, though.
141
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,367
I like girls.
142
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,601
Ahem. Ahem.
143
00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:42,868
Kelly, you want to take
something for that?
144
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:45,934
Anyhow, yeah, we were
really great back then. Yep.
145
00:07:45,934 --> 00:07:48,067
Only team in Polk history
to go undefeated.
146
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,100
Now, that's something
that'll never happen again.
147
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:51,567
We're undefeated too.
148
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:54,601
Hmm? Well, h-how many games
you got left?
149
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:56,534
One. This Saturday.
150
00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:58,400
You really ought to
come see your record
151
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,467
go down the drain,
Mr. Grange.
152
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:01,868
I can get you good seats.
153
00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:04,968
Did I tell you
that I hold the school record
154
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:06,601
for touchdowns in a season?
155
00:08:06,601 --> 00:08:07,934
That's amazing.
156
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:10,434
I'm one touchdown away from
breaking that record too.
157
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:11,934
[LAUGHS]
158
00:08:11,934 --> 00:08:15,467
It's a young man's world,
you know?
159
00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:17,968
[LAUGHS]
160
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:20,834
You know I think we have
an old football out back.
161
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,968
What say me and you
go out there
162
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:25,767
and you, uh...show me
some of your moves?
163
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:28,767
Sure. Let's go.
164
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:31,667
Uh, Matt, remember?
My leg?
165
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:34,934
Oh, I'll look
at it later, Kathy.
166
00:08:34,934 --> 00:08:39,501
It's Kelly. The soup girl.
167
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:41,901
Hey, Kel,
where's Matt?
168
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:43,133
AL: Damn it!
169
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:44,834
[LAUGHS]
170
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:47,000
That's what we call
a "fake left, go right."
171
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,367
Well...
I'm a little rusty.
172
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:51,767
You want
to try it again?
173
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:53,767
You little son of a...
174
00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:58,634
I can't believe it.
I almost had him.
175
00:09:00,033 --> 00:09:01,667
[LAUGHS]
176
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:02,767
That's what we call
177
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:04,334
a "faking you
out of your jock."
178
00:09:04,334 --> 00:09:06,100
Yeah, well, I thought
I dropped a quarter.
179
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,267
Let's try it again.
180
00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:10,167
Go back there and take
a run at it this time.
181
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,601
Give it up, Kelly.
You're just not his type.
182
00:09:14,534 --> 00:09:17,801
I am everybody's type.
183
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:19,801
But why can't I get
this one guy?
184
00:09:19,801 --> 00:09:22,167
Because all he knows
is sports,
185
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,200
and all he likes
is cheerleaders.
186
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,300
[STOMPING]
187
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,634
AL: Ooh!
[THUD]
188
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:28,901
That's what I call
189
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:31,701
an "open-handed chop
to the Adam's apple."
190
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:41,167
Then that's
what I'm gonna be,
191
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:42,167
a cheerleader.
192
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,234
Kelly, I hate
to burst your bubble,
193
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:45,968
but there's only
one more game left,
194
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:48,801
and the squad is full.
It's impossible.
195
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:53,300
Who could have put
poison oak in your pompoms?
196
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,534
Damn the luck.
197
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:57,734
Next.
198
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:01,100
I'm Kelly Bundy,
199
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:04,834
and the dream of my life
is to become a Polk Dot,
200
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:07,801
so here's a little cheer
that I wrote myself.
201
00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:10,834
[QUIETLY]
1, 2, 3, 4...
202
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:14,234
P-O-K-E!
203
00:10:14,234 --> 00:10:15,801
Poke High!
204
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:18,200
Yay!
205
00:10:21,968 --> 00:10:23,834
Very good,
206
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:28,667
but it's P-O-L-K,
Polk High.
207
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:31,701
You know,
after President James K. Polk?
208
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,601
What do you
think, Ms. Mount?
209
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:41,434
[GRUFFLY] I like her.
I like her a lot.
210
00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:48,934
Congratulations, Miss Bundy,
you are now a Polk Dot.
211
00:10:48,934 --> 00:10:50,400
I'm so excited.
212
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,267
Congratulations, Kelly!
That's so great!
213
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,334
Get a life, will you?
214
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:01,801
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
215
00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:04,300
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]
216
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:05,501
All right,
33 to the right.
217
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:06,601
Now, make it work.
218
00:11:06,601 --> 00:11:08,367
[ALL SHOUTING]
219
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:10,367
[CROWD CHEERING]
220
00:11:11,968 --> 00:11:15,133
Oh, come on, Al,
perk up.
221
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,167
I mean, even if
your record is broken,
222
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:18,767
you still have me.
223
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:21,868
Yeah, and my job
as shoe salesman.
224
00:11:21,868 --> 00:11:23,868
That's right, honey.
225
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:28,901
Sometimes you've just got
to pick the man up.
226
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:30,701
Oh, buck up, Al,
Polk's only up by 7.
227
00:11:30,701 --> 00:11:31,701
Aw, Polk can't lose.
228
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:33,901
It's a home game
against the school
229
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:36,167
from the rich
white neighborhood.
230
00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:38,534
Let's face it, Steve,
my record's history.
231
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:40,701
I really tried to hurt
that kid, you know?
232
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:41,901
I know, Al.
233
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,734
Hey, I got something
to make you feel better.
234
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:44,968
Look at this.
235
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,734
Now, watch this, Al.
236
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:48,033
Yay, team!
237
00:11:50,701 --> 00:11:53,567
Am I a fan, or what?
238
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:56,834
I feel so alone.
239
00:11:56,834 --> 00:12:00,934
Oh, honey,
look at our little girl.
240
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:02,200
She may not graduate,
241
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,667
but she is the prettiest
cheerleader in school.
242
00:12:05,667 --> 00:12:07,701
ALL [CHANTING]:
Poke 'em in!
Poke 'em out!
243
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:09,501
Poke 'em, poke 'em
in the snout!
244
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:13,434
If they holler, let 'em go!
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo!
245
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:14,934
Polk High!
246
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:16,734
Go, Matt!
247
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:18,367
Come here!
248
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:20,801
I'm yours!
249
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:27,501
Why doesn't Matt ever
play with the ball over by me?
250
00:12:27,501 --> 00:12:29,934
Yoo-hoo, Matt! Matt!
251
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:32,167
Hey, don't pat him, pat me!
252
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,033
Ow!
253
00:12:35,701 --> 00:12:37,734
[CROWD CHEERING]
254
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:39,367
Yay, Kelly!
255
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,434
[LAUGHS]
256
00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:42,868
Ah... Look at her, Marce.
257
00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:44,400
I'm so proud of her.
258
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:49,801
See how she raises her legs
higher than everyone else?
259
00:12:49,801 --> 00:12:55,300
Yes. But the other girls
are standing up.
260
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:57,167
ANNOUNCER:
And the point-after is good.
261
00:12:57,167 --> 00:13:00,634
The score,
the James K. Polk Panthers, 14,
262
00:13:00,634 --> 00:13:04,033
the Chester A. Arthur Aryans,
nothing.
263
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,434
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
264
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:07,934
You stink!
265
00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:12,701
Oh, Al, must the fact
that your glory days are over
266
00:13:12,701 --> 00:13:14,734
drag us all down?
267
00:13:14,734 --> 00:13:16,968
I mean, even if
your record is broken,
268
00:13:16,968 --> 00:13:18,400
you still hold the record
269
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,767
for the most consecutive days
without sex,
270
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:26,868
and no high school kid's
gonna break that one.
271
00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:29,200
You know, it's amazing.
272
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,300
You got to give Marcy
a lot of credit.
273
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,701
I thought she'd
be gloating,
274
00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:35,567
but she genuinely
feels bad for me.
275
00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:38,367
MARCY:
Look at those young boys.
276
00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:39,868
Those tight little buns
277
00:13:39,868 --> 00:13:42,868
squeezed into those
tight little uniforms.
278
00:13:42,868 --> 00:13:44,534
Spike me, baby.
279
00:13:44,534 --> 00:13:46,234
Spike me.
280
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,000
ANNOUNCER: And late
in the second quarter,
281
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,133
the score, Polk, 14,
Chester A. Arthur, 7.
282
00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:02,100
This is discrimination.
283
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,300
You know, the guys
on the team have it so easy.
284
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,100
A guy gets a little
knee to the groin,
285
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,534
he gets treated
like a baby.
286
00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:09,133
Well, I'm cheering
with a bunion,
287
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:11,133
and I want
some attention.
288
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,167
Water boy!
289
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:15,934
What are you doing here?
290
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:18,067
Well, I had a little
poison oak left over,
291
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:20,901
so I decided to take out
the water boy.
292
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:22,767
Meet the new water boy.
293
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:26,767
You don't even bathe.
What do you know about water?
294
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,501
I know if you spray some
on a cheerleader's sweater,
295
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:32,400
you get a cheap thrill.
296
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,734
I want water.
297
00:14:41,801 --> 00:14:43,734
Oops.
298
00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:45,267
All right, now, listen up.
299
00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:46,701
This game
is for the championship.
300
00:14:46,701 --> 00:14:47,868
I want 100 percent. Right?
301
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:49,000
Yeah!
Right!
302
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,367
Here's the play
we're gonna run.
303
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:51,701
Now, look--
304
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,000
Don't mind me.
I'm just here to cheer.
305
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,534
Go, Matt!
306
00:14:57,534 --> 00:15:00,834
Hey! Do you mind?
307
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:03,567
Do I interrupt when
you're speaking?
308
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:04,734
Ow!
309
00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:08,167
[CROWD CHEERING]
310
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,100
Get him!
Yeah!
311
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:17,000
All right!
Cheerleader huddle!
312
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,133
All right, girls.
313
00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:19,901
We're up, but it's close,
314
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:22,300
and the guys really need
your support.
315
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,901
Men always need
a woman's support.
316
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:26,200
What do they give us?
317
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,834
Nothing we can use.
318
00:15:28,834 --> 00:15:32,167
That's why we must treasure
these moments together.
319
00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:33,467
By the way,
320
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,834
tonight will be the traditional
year-end slumber party
321
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:37,801
at my place.
322
00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:40,100
You seniors know what I mean.
323
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,501
All right, now, get out there
324
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:44,100
and shake your dots
for Polk High!
325
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:45,801
[CHANTING]
Our team is what?
326
00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:46,801
OTHERS [CHANTING]:
Red hot!
327
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:47,801
Our team is what?
328
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:48,801
Red hot!
329
00:15:48,801 --> 00:15:51,133
Our team is R-E-D red
H-O-T hot!
330
00:15:51,133 --> 00:15:52,834
Once we start we cannot stop!
331
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,934
Uh-huh!
332
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,200
Uh-huh!
333
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,267
Hike!
334
00:15:57,267 --> 00:15:59,801
[***]
335
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,300
[CROWD GASPS]
336
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:33,000
So when do
the football players
337
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,400
come over
and talk to us?
338
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,534
[SCOFFS]
339
00:16:35,534 --> 00:16:38,367
Nobody talks to us.
We might as well be lepers.
340
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:41,300
I can't wait
till this game is over.
341
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,100
So, you want to come
to my house tonight
342
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,000
and play some records?
343
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:46,801
No.
344
00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:48,734
You're a geek.
345
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:52,534
ANNOUNCER: And we're late
in the fourth quarter,
346
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:56,033
and Polk is six minutes away
from an undefeated season.
347
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:58,367
I can't take this.
348
00:16:58,367 --> 00:17:00,601
Ah, what else
could happen to me?
349
00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:03,267
ANNOUNCER:
Your attention, please.
350
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:04,634
Folks, I've just been told
351
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:08,868
Red Grange
is in the stands today.
352
00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:11,200
Maybe he'll stand up for us.
353
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,501
[APPLAUSE]
354
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:24,534
Did you see him?
355
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:26,133
ANNOUNCER:
Matt Gibson has the ball.
356
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:27,267
He cuts right.
357
00:17:27,267 --> 00:17:29,300
He's running down
the sidelines.
358
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,701
Matt, Matt!
359
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,901
Yoo-hoo! Matt!
360
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:36,434
555-287...
361
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:52,400
[***]
362
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,667
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
363
00:18:02,534 --> 00:18:05,634
MARCY:
So young, so young...
364
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:07,167
Hey, number 21,
365
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:10,067
if you got the place,
I'll do the time.
366
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:14,767
Oh, yeah.
367
00:18:16,901 --> 00:18:20,767
PEG:
Poor Al. He's having
such a miserable day.
368
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:26,067
Gee, I hope he doesn't realize
this jacket cost $200.
369
00:18:28,501 --> 00:18:30,667
AL:
My record is going to hell.
370
00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:32,501
No one will remember me.
371
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:36,300
And my wife is wearing
a $200 jacket.
372
00:18:39,267 --> 00:18:41,534
STEVE:
I think if I get
into fourth gear
373
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:42,934
a little sooner,
374
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:48,834
I can really increase
my miles per gallon.
375
00:18:48,834 --> 00:18:51,167
Oh, man, I'll tell Marcy
on the way home.
376
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:54,267
It'll really turn her on.
377
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,200
ANNOUNCER:
It's Polk with the ball.
378
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,734
They're up 21-14
with 20 seconds to go.
379
00:18:59,734 --> 00:19:02,067
There's the snap.
The ball pops loose.
380
00:19:02,067 --> 00:19:03,868
It lands in the hands
of an Aryan.
381
00:19:03,868 --> 00:19:05,534
He's lumbering
into the end zone.
382
00:19:05,534 --> 00:19:06,801
Touchdown!
383
00:19:06,801 --> 00:19:08,534
Yes!
384
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:11,968
It's now Polk, 21,
Chester A. Arthur, 20,
385
00:19:11,968 --> 00:19:15,200
and they're going for the win
with a 2-point conversion.
386
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,133
Please let me
have this one.
387
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:19,667
I haven't asked
you for much.
388
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:22,367
You haven't
given me much.
389
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:23,534
You owe me.
390
00:19:23,534 --> 00:19:25,100
Come on, Aryans!
391
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,601
Rommel fakes back to pass.
392
00:19:26,601 --> 00:19:29,167
He spots Himmler
open in the end zone.
393
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:30,300
He's got it.
394
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:33,400
The Aryans
take the lead, 22-21,
395
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,868
with 10 seconds to go
in the game.
396
00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:38,634
Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha!
397
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:42,367
PEG:
Oh, God.
398
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:43,767
Now I'm gonna
have to hear
399
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:44,934
about his
stupid record
400
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:48,000
for the rest
of my life.
401
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,067
I'm so happy
for you, honey.
402
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,400
[LAUGHING]
403
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:59,367
I'm going to Disneyland.
404
00:20:04,167 --> 00:20:05,200
There's still
10 seconds left.
405
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,701
Anything can happen.
406
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:09,434
Steve, there's three things
I'm sure of in this life:
407
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:12,734
One is I'll be selling shoes
till the day I die.
408
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:16,734
Two is Peggy'll win the lottery
the very next day.
409
00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:19,300
And three is there's no way
Polk's gonna win this game.
410
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,667
Only way Polk can win
411
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:22,667
is if they run the kickoff
all the way back
412
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:23,667
for a touchdown.
413
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,234
That's impossible.
414
00:20:25,234 --> 00:20:27,634
I can't believe this.
415
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:30,467
The last play
of the last game.
416
00:20:30,467 --> 00:20:31,701
I've done all this,
417
00:20:31,701 --> 00:20:33,234
and he didn't
even notice me.
418
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:35,300
And he never will.
419
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,667
ANNOUNCER: There's the kickoff.
420
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:38,767
Matt Gibson takes it deep
in his own end zone.
421
00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:39,934
[LAUGHS]
422
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,467
He's at the 10. He's hit.
423
00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:43,167
Now he breaks a tackle
and cuts left
424
00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:44,601
and heads up field.
425
00:20:44,601 --> 00:20:46,701
He's at the 20, the 30.
426
00:20:46,701 --> 00:20:50,300
He cuts right.
He could go all the way!
427
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,734
No! No! Somebody stop him!
428
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:53,901
Anybody!
429
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:56,934
That's my sideline!
Here he comes!
430
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:59,634
Matt! Matt! Over here!
431
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:01,100
ANNOUNCER:
He's at midfield all alone.
432
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,367
He's gonna do it!
433
00:21:02,367 --> 00:21:03,968
Nobody can catch him!
434
00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:05,067
I'll be damned.
435
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:08,667
Gibson is down!
436
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:10,334
[LAUGHING]
[GUNSHOT]
437
00:21:10,334 --> 00:21:12,200
And there's the gun!
It's over!
438
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,033
The Aryans win 22-21.
439
00:21:15,033 --> 00:21:17,000
Huh-ho, heartbreak!
440
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,167
Now that the season's over,
441
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,934
homework, my house, midnightish?
442
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:24,300
Here's my phone number.
443
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:25,968
[SIGHS]
444
00:21:27,534 --> 00:21:29,467
[CROWD BOOING]
445
00:21:31,234 --> 00:21:32,834
Call me!
446
00:21:37,267 --> 00:21:38,467
Well, I know you're upset,
447
00:21:38,467 --> 00:21:40,067
but maybe next time
you'll know better
448
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:44,167
than to bet
on a high school football game.
449
00:21:44,167 --> 00:21:45,534
[SIGHS]
450
00:21:45,534 --> 00:21:48,734
That was Reverend Felcher.
451
00:21:48,734 --> 00:21:52,367
Church is another place
the Bundys are not allowed.
452
00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:57,000
Ah, it's the freeway ban
that really hurts.
453
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,567
Honey, you've got to talk
to Kelly.
454
00:22:00,567 --> 00:22:02,400
Tell her what she did was wrong,
455
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,300
and she disgraced
the entire family,
456
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:08,100
which is not
an easy thing to do.
457
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:09,367
I'll handle it, Peg.
458
00:22:10,534 --> 00:22:11,534
[DOOR OPENS]
459
00:22:11,534 --> 00:22:13,200
Hi, Daddy.
460
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,734
Kelly, sit down here a minute.
461
00:22:18,501 --> 00:22:20,901
Kelly, I want to talk to you
462
00:22:20,901 --> 00:22:22,934
about what happened
this afternoon.
463
00:22:26,067 --> 00:22:27,267
Good girl.
464
00:22:40,501 --> 00:22:42,033
[***]1
00:00:03,434 --> 00:00:06,667
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:20,000
Another great meal, Peg.
3
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,100
You know, honey,
you're incredible.
4
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:27,033
You ignore the children,
you neglect the house,
5
00:01:27,033 --> 00:01:28,300
and still you find time
6
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:32,267
to let the dinner get cold
before you serve it.
7
00:01:32,267 --> 00:01:34,400
How do you do it?
8
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,200
Well, Al, I guess
I care enough about me
9
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,534
not to care about you.
10
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:39,801
[LAUGHS]
11
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,133
You know,
it's times like these
12
00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:43,334
I'd like
to take you upstairs
13
00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:44,734
and plug that hole
in the roof.
14
00:01:44,734 --> 00:01:46,367
[BOTH LAUGHING]
15
00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:52,100
Now, listen, Peg,
my week off starts tonight,
16
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:54,100
so if there's any place
you ever wanted to go,
17
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:56,434
get the kids, pack up,
and, uh, see you in a week.
18
00:01:58,300 --> 00:01:59,868
Not this year, Al.
19
00:01:59,868 --> 00:02:01,167
Every time
I leave you alone,
20
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,334
you just mess
this house up.
21
00:02:04,801 --> 00:02:07,300
This year, you're going
to do all those things
22
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,834
that you promised to do
when you have the time.
23
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:11,200
Let's see...
24
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,701
"consummate marriage."
25
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:14,934
[SIGHS]
26
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:17,734
Nah, that's more of
a do-it-yourself job.
27
00:02:20,667 --> 00:02:21,834
Here we go.
28
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,167
Here's the stuff
you can do:
29
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,868
"Paint the house,
plant the lawn,
30
00:02:25,868 --> 00:02:27,734
"caulk the windows,
31
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:31,300
"do the laundry...
32
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,467
fix the toilet,
clean the gutters,"
33
00:02:33,467 --> 00:02:34,968
and if you have time,
34
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:38,033
"talk to the children."
35
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:39,434
Both Bud and Nancy?
36
00:02:39,434 --> 00:02:41,033
It's Kelly, Al.
37
00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:42,133
Whatever.
38
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:44,067
Listen, Peg,
I don't wanna do anything.
39
00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:45,467
It's my week off.
40
00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:48,434
But, honey, If you don't
do these chores, who will?
41
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:50,067
How about Sid and Nancy?
42
00:02:52,534 --> 00:02:53,968
It's Bud and Kelly.
43
00:02:53,968 --> 00:02:55,667
Yes, them.
44
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:56,801
[DOORBELL RINGS]
45
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,667
Get that, Peg?
46
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:00,834
"Answer door."
47
00:03:00,834 --> 00:03:02,300
Ahhh...
48
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,400
Good night, honey.
49
00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:08,634
[DOORBELL RINGS]
50
00:03:11,934 --> 00:03:14,801
Ah, Steve, gee.
Must be my lucky day.
51
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:18,834
Why, did they raise
the minimum wage?
52
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:20,868
[LAUGHS]
53
00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:25,167
Oh, listen, Al.
54
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:26,667
Remember last week,
55
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:29,200
we were talking about going
fishing on your week off?
56
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,701
Well, I rented us a cabin
57
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:34,334
on a lake so loaded with fish,
they jump on your hook.
58
00:03:34,334 --> 00:03:36,534
It's just the way
wilderness should be.
59
00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:39,334
There are "no trespassing"
signs everywhere.
60
00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:42,767
There's a 7-Eleven
10 minutes away.
61
00:03:42,767 --> 00:03:46,133
What do you think?
What do I think?
62
00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:49,000
[HUMMING "DUELING BANJOS"]
63
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:54,234
[HUMMING "DUELING BANJOS"]
64
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,868
[HUMMING]
65
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:58,334
[HUMMING]
66
00:03:58,334 --> 00:04:00,100
[HUMMING TOGETHER]
67
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:05,467
Shh! Wake up Peg,
68
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,234
if she hears me
having a good time,
69
00:04:07,234 --> 00:04:09,334
she'll want some too.
70
00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:10,934
How long do we have
the cabin for?
71
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:11,968
Five whole days.
72
00:04:11,968 --> 00:04:14,467
Five days? Oh, man!
73
00:04:14,467 --> 00:04:16,667
Now, listen, Al,
this cabin cost me $250.
74
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:17,968
Hey, don't apologize
to me, Steve.
75
00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:20,868
If I'm going for free,
I've no right to complain.
76
00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,133
"Dear Peg...
77
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,567
"By the time you read this,
78
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:28,100
"there will be nothing
you can do about it.
79
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,200
"I was called away
on an emergency fishing trip.
80
00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:37,100
"I'll be away a week.
81
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:40,033
"I wouldn't blame you if
you took the kids and left me,
82
00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:45,167
"but if you do,
take the dog too.
83
00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:48,767
"I guess this is goodbye.
84
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:50,467
Love, Al."
85
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,667
"Al."
86
00:04:58,033 --> 00:04:59,133
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
87
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,968
Shh!
88
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,501
Hi, Steve, Marcy.
89
00:05:09,734 --> 00:05:12,534
Steve, aren't you afraid
she'll find out about the trip?
90
00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:15,667
What kind of a guy
do you think I am?
91
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:17,901
Like I'd really go away
for a week without my wife.
92
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:18,901
Where's Peggy?
93
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:19,968
Come on, Peg!
94
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:24,601
Time to go!
95
00:05:24,601 --> 00:05:27,200
PEGGY: Marcy,
i-is that you?
96
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,934
Yeah! Come on, wake the kids,
we're going fishing!
97
00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:34,033
Shh! Not so loud.
You'll wake up Al.
98
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,567
[GASPS]
99
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:43,167
Oh, I love it.
It's so rustic.
100
00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:44,501
[SNIFFS DEEPLY]
101
00:05:44,501 --> 00:05:46,467
And the air smells great.
102
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:49,400
Yeah, well,
get it while you can.
103
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,968
Once Al settles in,
the shoes come off.
104
00:05:53,334 --> 00:05:54,367
Oh.
105
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:55,400
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
106
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,834
[GRUNTING]
107
00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:00,767
Okay, Peg,
this hair dryer is yours,
108
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,601
and these cases
of bottled water,
109
00:06:02,601 --> 00:06:04,000
Marcy, are yours...
110
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,133
[THUDDING]
111
00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:07,501
And I believe
this hernia is mine.
112
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,868
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
113
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:11,667
It's a beautiful
cabin, Steve.
114
00:06:11,667 --> 00:06:13,200
Great job, Mr. Rhoades.
115
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:17,467
[PEGGY CHUCKLES]
116
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:20,200
Isn't he cute?
117
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,267
Even squid
love their young.
118
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,133
What a dump.
119
00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:30,634
[CLATTER]
120
00:06:30,634 --> 00:06:34,234
Kelly, honey, let me explain
something about fishing rods.
121
00:06:34,234 --> 00:06:36,067
When you throw them down,
you break them.
122
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:37,434
Then Daddy can't fish.
123
00:06:37,434 --> 00:06:39,133
If Daddy can't fish,
he's stuck with Mommy.
124
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:43,367
If Daddy's stuck with Mommy,
nobody leaves here alive.
125
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:47,234
I didn't ask to come,
and I didn't ask to be born.
126
00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:52,033
Peg?
127
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:55,200
Well, it's her time
of the month, Al.
128
00:06:56,467 --> 00:07:01,234
What the hell did we
bring her for, then?
129
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:04,667
Squeaked through
another month, eh, Kel?
130
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:11,868
Your mother.
131
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:13,234
Your father.
132
00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:18,467
Now, kids, let's leave
the insults at home, huh?
133
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:19,467
Now, look, Kelly,
134
00:07:19,467 --> 00:07:21,067
I came up here
for a good time.
135
00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:22,868
Now, I understand why
you have to do this.
136
00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:25,267
I just don't understand
why it has to be now.
137
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:27,434
Go...away.
138
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:29,634
"Go away, Daddy."
139
00:07:29,634 --> 00:07:31,968
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's my room?
140
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,334
This is it.
141
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:37,334
You mean
there's no bedroom?
142
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:39,667
Of course not. It's a cabin.
143
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:42,334
It's an outhouse.
144
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:44,367
Hey, this place
cost me and Steve
145
00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:45,400
a small fortune,
146
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,434
and you're gonna like it.
147
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:51,601
Oh, come on, everybody,
let's have fun.
148
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,767
I know. Let's go shopping.
149
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:56,801
We passed a nice little
rustic store on the way up here,
150
00:07:56,801 --> 00:07:59,667
where the men were chopping wood
with their shirts off.
151
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:01,067
[CHUCKLES]
152
00:08:02,234 --> 00:08:04,534
Well, you know what they say.
153
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:06,968
You can never
have enough lumber.
154
00:08:08,267 --> 00:08:10,234
I know what we can do.
155
00:08:10,234 --> 00:08:12,400
Let's go on
a nature hunt.
156
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,234
We can collect leaves
and arrowheads
157
00:08:14,234 --> 00:08:15,934
and take pictures
of the wildlife.
158
00:08:15,934 --> 00:08:17,868
Yeah, then we'll
all get naked
159
00:08:17,868 --> 00:08:20,267
and sing
"This Land Is Your Land."
160
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,000
I don't know about you,
Steve. I'm going fishing.
161
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,067
I'm with you, buddy.
162
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,200
Just us men, eh,
Mr. Rhoades?
163
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,701
Yeah, you said it.
164
00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:32,267
[CHUCKLES]
165
00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:35,901
[THUD]
166
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,601
Hey, girls!
167
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:47,133
What do you say to this?
168
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,534
Oh, no.
169
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:58,868
What is it, Al?
170
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,767
Periods, Steve.
171
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:09,167
Three of 'em.
172
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:30,934
All three at once.
173
00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:33,868
What did they do,
give it to each other?
174
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,801
Actually,
it's an interesting phenomenon
175
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:39,300
that happens quite often.
176
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,634
I read they did a study
of a girls' college dormitory,
177
00:09:41,634 --> 00:09:44,434
and most of the women wound up
menstruating at the same time.
178
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:47,534
What should we do now?
179
00:09:47,534 --> 00:09:49,767
Eat!
180
00:09:49,767 --> 00:09:53,167
Hey, Peg, you know the deal,
we catch 'em, you clean 'em!
181
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:55,968
Ahhh...
182
00:09:57,734 --> 00:09:59,767
[CHUCKLING SOFTLY]
183
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:02,667
[SMOOCH]
184
00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:05,467
[CHUCKLES]
185
00:10:11,234 --> 00:10:12,434
It's clean.
186
00:10:12,434 --> 00:10:13,868
[CHUCKLES]
187
00:10:13,868 --> 00:10:16,767
You see why I never
go anywhere with her?
188
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,234
Now, Al,
let's not panic.
189
00:10:18,234 --> 00:10:20,968
What women need
at a time like this
190
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:22,634
is compassion, love,
and understanding.
191
00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:27,501
Partners through life...
192
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,434
partners through strife.
193
00:10:32,801 --> 00:10:35,467
Marcy...let's talk.
194
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:37,868
Fine.
195
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,934
Let's talk about 14 months ago
196
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:47,033
when I wanted to see that movie
and you were too tired,
197
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:49,300
and about the time
you wore that gray sweater.
198
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:52,000
I hate that sweater.
199
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,234
I hate you, Steve.
200
00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:58,067
Everything about you.
201
00:10:58,067 --> 00:10:59,634
Every breath you take,
202
00:10:59,634 --> 00:11:02,200
every move you make.
203
00:11:02,968 --> 00:11:06,133
You, sir, stink!
204
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:11,901
[SOBBING]
I feel so bloated and so ugly.
205
00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:15,934
See how mean
he is to me, Peg?
206
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:28,234
[SQUEAKING]
Well, Marcy's okay.
207
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,033
Bud, go over
208
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:31,567
and say something
nice to your sister.
209
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,968
Dad, I don't even like her.
210
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:35,000
Who does? Just go.
211
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,567
Hey, Kel.
212
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,934
Hm, you're carrying
that extra chin very nicely.
213
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,801
[THWACK]
BUD: Ooh!
214
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:55,200
[HIGH-PITCHED]
You're next, Dad.
215
00:11:57,501 --> 00:11:59,901
Not me, son. I did what
Custer should have:
216
00:11:59,901 --> 00:12:02,834
used scouts.
217
00:12:02,834 --> 00:12:05,167
You know why they're doing this
to us, don't you, Steve?
218
00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:06,901
It's because we were
gonna have fun.
219
00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:09,901
That's why they invented
this period thing.
220
00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:13,200
Back before men,
women didn't have periods.
221
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,901
Gee, it would have been nice
to live then.
222
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:17,400
You know who was a good woman?
223
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:21,634
Veronica. You know,
from Archie'scomics?
224
00:12:21,634 --> 00:12:24,534
Veronica never had a period.
225
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,601
That's true,
226
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:30,767
but she still had
an attitude problem.
227
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:33,200
You're right,
there are no good ones.
228
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,901
It's cold in here!
229
00:12:34,901 --> 00:12:36,200
It's hot in here.
230
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,300
It's hot and cold in here.
231
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,300
We're in some major-league
trouble here, men.
232
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:47,868
The kid's right, Al,
I'm scared.
233
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,534
Be thankful
yours just kills,
234
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,000
it's quick, it's clean.
235
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,701
Mine, like
the black widow,
236
00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:55,634
wants to mate
before she kills.
237
00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:04,000
I'm a dead man.
238
00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:10,167
Let's go to bed.
Let them suffer.
239
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:11,167
We'll wake up refreshed,
240
00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:12,167
go fishing,
241
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,834
let them
kill each other.
242
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,200
[LAUGHING]
243
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,801
Oh...
244
00:13:31,801 --> 00:13:35,701
God. I feel foul.
245
00:13:35,701 --> 00:13:39,067
Oh, I'm so bloated,
even my teeth are swollen.
246
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:42,434
If I retain
any more water in my body,
247
00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:46,067
they could build a pier
across my butt.
248
00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:50,868
Oh, I need a back rub.
249
00:13:50,868 --> 00:13:52,634
I need
a foot rub.
250
00:13:52,634 --> 00:13:55,501
I need someone
to yell at.
251
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,567
Where are the men?
252
00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,467
I bet they
went fishing.
253
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,834
Isn't that
just like men?
254
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:04,534
When we need them most,
they're never around.
255
00:14:04,534 --> 00:14:06,334
Men are the lowest.
256
00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:09,467
Let's pretend Bud's a man
and kill him.
257
00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:20,601
[WHISPERS]
Men, we're surrounded.
258
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:24,000
Men?
259
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,934
Well, what happened?
260
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,133
We were walking
through the woods
261
00:14:30,133 --> 00:14:31,267
quiet as you please,
262
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,067
when all of a sudden,
the ground started shaking
263
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:34,801
and something came
crashing through a bush.
264
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:36,000
I thought it was you, Peg,
265
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,133
but it didn't
want my wallet.
266
00:14:41,234 --> 00:14:43,868
It was a bear.
267
00:14:43,868 --> 00:14:46,701
A big one,
with my name on it.
268
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,434
There he is!
269
00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:49,667
That's a moose.
270
00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:52,567
The bear's over there
spraying your tires.
271
00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:54,367
Those are my Mercedes!
272
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:55,701
Stop that!
273
00:14:55,701 --> 00:14:59,100
Bad! Bad bear!
274
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:00,701
What do they want?
We have no food.
275
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:02,000
They don't want
us, Bud.
276
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,434
Let me talk
to your father alone.
277
00:15:05,434 --> 00:15:09,734
See, Al, wild animals
can sense when women are, uh...
278
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,834
Killing their husbands?
279
00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:15,901
No, Al, when they're...cycling.
280
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:19,033
Don't you understand?
They want our women.
281
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:23,000
Well, then, our women
they shall have.
282
00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:26,400
Oh, Peg!
283
00:15:30,234 --> 00:15:32,434
We've gotta get outta here.
284
00:15:32,434 --> 00:15:34,901
We can't get out of here.
We're trapped.
285
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:37,033
Well, somebody has
to go for help.
286
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:39,767
Oh, and chocolate.
287
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:41,000
Gee, I--
288
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,434
I'd love to, honey,
but I can't.
289
00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:47,567
There's a moose
filling my gas tank.
290
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,767
I'd hate to interrupt
him right now.
291
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:53,467
Look at them.
Our protectors.
292
00:15:53,467 --> 00:15:54,868
The great white hunters.
293
00:15:54,868 --> 00:15:57,000
You know, in the old days,
294
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,634
those men would have
gone out there, fought the bear,
295
00:15:59,634 --> 00:16:02,334
come back with supper
and a nice rug.
296
00:16:02,334 --> 00:16:04,334
Now you send them for milk,
297
00:16:04,334 --> 00:16:06,534
they come back
with a leaking carton,
298
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:09,601
a runny nose and a bad back.
299
00:16:10,634 --> 00:16:12,300
You know, it's amazing.
300
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:16,834
The one thing they're good for
they're not good at.
301
00:16:16,834 --> 00:16:19,133
I hate the way
they won't ask directions
302
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:21,067
when they're lost.
303
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,901
And the way they leave
the toilet seat up.
304
00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:29,033
And the way they ask you
to chip in for the motel room.
305
00:16:34,968 --> 00:16:37,200
So I've heard.
306
00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:44,834
Well, the cast of Bambi
is out there now.
307
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,434
And in here, we have
some of the seven dwarfs...
308
00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:51,601
Puffy, Crabby and Horny.
309
00:16:57,133 --> 00:17:00,701
So I'd say it's safe to say
that this day's shot.
310
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:02,300
What say we all turn in?
311
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:03,767
[GROANING]
312
00:17:03,767 --> 00:17:05,701
Al, it is 7:30
in the morning.
313
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:07,300
Well, Peg,
we're out in the woods now.
314
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,501
You get up early,
you go to bed early. Good night.
315
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:10,567
Mwah, mwah.
316
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:16,367
More hot water
for breakfast, anyone?
317
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,400
[GROANS]
318
00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:20,634
Oh, what's today?
319
00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:21,868
It's Thursday.
320
00:17:21,868 --> 00:17:23,434
Did I miss anything?
321
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:26,367
Yeah. Wednesday.
322
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:29,501
Well, I guess
I'll turn in, then.
323
00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:31,567
Daddy, we're starving to death.
324
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,701
And some of us are aging badly.
325
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,968
Zip it, pimple farm.
326
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,033
Daddy, do something.
327
00:17:38,033 --> 00:17:39,200
I'm going to, pumpkin.
328
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,000
I'm gonna take a nap
in a few minutes.
329
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,667
Oh, Steve!
How's the car?
330
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:48,834
Well, I can, uh, still just
about tell it's a Mercedes.
331
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,234
Of course,
the tires are flat,
332
00:17:50,234 --> 00:17:52,734
but that's probably because
of the porcupine quills.
333
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,701
And that cougar who went
in through the sunroof
334
00:17:54,701 --> 00:17:55,701
only looks
like he's driving,
335
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:58,434
because I've got the keys.
336
00:17:58,434 --> 00:18:00,200
So I guess
the laugh's on him.
337
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,567
[CHUCKLES]
338
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:04,634
$30,000...
339
00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:06,434
Al...
340
00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:08,734
you...are an idiot.
341
00:18:08,734 --> 00:18:10,067
I was home,
342
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:12,767
I was comfortable,
I was safe.
343
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:18,100
I truly,
truly hate you.
344
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,734
Come on, honey, let's do it.
345
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,501
Let's go into the bathroom.
346
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:27,200
Come on. No one has to know...
347
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,033
not even you.
348
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:33,601
Steve, give me the keys
to your car.
349
00:18:33,601 --> 00:18:35,334
I'm gonna go for help.
350
00:18:35,334 --> 00:18:38,367
There are animals
all over the car, Al.
351
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:42,000
Maybe I can reason with them.
352
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,000
Now, someone has
to take charge here,
353
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,334
and it's gonna be me.
354
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,434
Now, I need a weapon.
355
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:48,167
What do we have?
356
00:18:53,534 --> 00:18:55,300
Dad.
357
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,501
Explain to me again
358
00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:59,434
why you need the suit
of many hooks.
359
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:02,501
Like the wily porcupine,
360
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,767
I now have my armor of quills.
361
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:07,167
But unlike the wily porcupine,
362
00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:09,133
won't the animals stick to you?
363
00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:13,300
That's what the mighty
horns are for, son.
364
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,133
If anything gets close,
365
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,534
I lower my head
366
00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:18,567
and proceed
in an aggressive manner.
367
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:20,033
That should end it
right there.
368
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:21,434
And I have
my secret weapon.
369
00:19:21,434 --> 00:19:22,601
If anything goes wrong,
370
00:19:22,601 --> 00:19:25,167
I zap them in the face
with bug spray.
371
00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:30,934
Why not just use
your socks on a stick?
372
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,167
Or would that
be too cruel?
373
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,634
God, you're sexy.
374
00:19:38,968 --> 00:19:41,234
[HISSES]
375
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,334
Lock the door
behind me, son.
376
00:19:48,334 --> 00:19:49,767
[DOOR OPENS]
377
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:52,100
[WOLF HOWLS]
378
00:19:53,434 --> 00:19:56,234
Oh, son, you're the man
of the family now.
379
00:19:56,234 --> 00:19:58,434
If for some reason
I don't come back,
380
00:19:58,434 --> 00:20:00,868
the shoe store opens at 10.
381
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,367
[SPRAY CAN
HISSING]
382
00:20:05,934 --> 00:20:08,267
He'll never make it,
you know.
383
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:10,300
Well, it won't be
the first time.
384
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:20,801
Well, he's-- He's made it
through the mosquitoes.
385
00:20:20,801 --> 00:20:22,968
He's hurdling a beaver.
386
00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:24,968
Go, Al, go!
387
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:26,200
Oops.
388
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,000
A wolf.
[SNARLING]
389
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,467
I can't watch,
I have to clean.
390
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:33,534
Oh, no, you really
should see this, Marce.
391
00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:34,868
[SNARLS]
392
00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,634
The wolf is closing in.
[SNARLS]
393
00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,801
Al ducks behind a tree.
394
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:44,133
He is now stuck to the tree
by his mighty quills.
395
00:20:44,133 --> 00:20:45,400
Whoa-ho!
396
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,367
Look at him shake!
397
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:50,934
Oh. He's in trouble.
398
00:20:50,934 --> 00:20:54,701
He is now lowering his head
in an aggressive manner.
399
00:20:54,701 --> 00:20:56,000
[BELLOWING]
400
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,100
So is the moose.
401
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,534
Oh, no!
402
00:21:00,534 --> 00:21:02,167
A trap door!
403
00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:04,234
Food! I found food!
404
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,901
[AL SCREAMS]
405
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,534
I'll have
any of that.
406
00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:11,667
Oh, my God,
it's chocolate!
407
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:12,734
We're saved!
AL: Help me!
408
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:13,767
Give me some!
409
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,667
No, no!
AL:
Help me! Help!
410
00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:17,868
[OTHERS CLAMORING]
[BANGING ON DOOR]
411
00:21:17,868 --> 00:21:20,534
[CLAMORING CONTINUES]
412
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:33,033
[GROWLS]
413
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:43,267
Thanks for inviting us,
Steve.
414
00:21:47,033 --> 00:21:50,467
What's next, buddy,
lion-country safari?
415
00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:53,234
About 28 days from now?
416
00:21:56,133 --> 00:21:58,167
I feel
so much better.
417
00:21:58,167 --> 00:21:59,400
Oh, me too.
418
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,567
Guess what, guys.
419
00:22:00,567 --> 00:22:03,167
We saw two wrens
make a nest.
420
00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:07,267
Did you happen to find the rest
of my ear out there too?
421
00:22:07,267 --> 00:22:11,000
You're not gonna bring me down,
Mr. Cloudy Day.
422
00:22:13,267 --> 00:22:16,300
He is such a big baby
when he gets hurt.
423
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:17,767
Well, we better
start packing.
424
00:22:17,767 --> 00:22:20,000
You've got to go
to work tomorrow.
425
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,601
Aw.
426
00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:23,834
You know, if he was
gonna be such a grouch,
427
00:22:23,834 --> 00:22:25,734
why'd he even come?
428
00:22:25,734 --> 00:22:27,801
I don't get it.
429
00:22:27,801 --> 00:22:29,734
I mean, why are they
so miserable?
430
00:22:29,734 --> 00:22:32,601
We're the ones
who have the periods.
431
00:22:46,133 --> 00:22:48,100
[***]1
00:00:03,734 --> 00:00:06,601
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,400
Doesn't anyone want breakfast?
3
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,968
I have an egg and someM&M's.
4
00:01:19,968 --> 00:01:22,567
I can make an omelet.
5
00:01:22,567 --> 00:01:25,601
No, thanks, Peg.
I'm still pleasantly nauseous
6
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:29,634
after last night's feast
of the three-legged chicken.
7
00:01:29,634 --> 00:01:32,834
Why would you buy a chicken
with three drumsticks?
8
00:01:32,834 --> 00:01:34,634
Well, it cost
seven cents a pound.
9
00:01:34,634 --> 00:01:37,701
The one with two legs
cost $1.19 a pound.
10
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:40,834
Excuse me for thinking
of our bank book
11
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,968
instead of our health.
12
00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:45,901
Didn't you think that just maybe
there was something wrong
13
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:48,200
when the label said
"Chernobyl Farms"?
14
00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:55,367
I mean, how many chickens
have flippers?
15
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,667
Well, don't blame me for that.
16
00:01:57,667 --> 00:02:00,200
I just thought
it was an extra head.
17
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,901
You liked it,
didn't you, Bud?
18
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:04,501
Well, it was tasty,
but hard to eat.
19
00:02:04,501 --> 00:02:06,300
I mean, every time
I cut a piece off,
20
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,300
it would grow back.
21
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,467
Aw...
22
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:11,267
Hey, can't somebody get Kelly
out of the bathroom?
23
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:12,267
I'm a little queasy.
24
00:02:12,267 --> 00:02:13,701
I'm still trying
to pass a beak.
25
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:17,567
Next.
26
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,601
Ah, there we--
That's me, Dad.
27
00:02:19,601 --> 00:02:22,868
I have to, uh...
stud myself up for school.
28
00:02:22,868 --> 00:02:24,901
Oh, so you'll be needing
your smoking jacket
29
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:28,400
with matching blue Pampers.
30
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,834
Girls like me.
31
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:32,534
They do.
32
00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:35,067
So, what's for lunch
today, Mom,
33
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,400
leftover chicken tumor?
34
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,834
You know, I'm hurt.
35
00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:42,434
I feed a family of four
for 32 cents,
36
00:02:42,434 --> 00:02:45,300
and all I get is grief.
37
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:47,234
You know, I am trying
to save money
38
00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:49,667
for the more important things
for this family.
39
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:53,868
Can I have $70
to play the lottery?
40
00:02:53,868 --> 00:02:57,367
Can't I just give you 70 cents
for some prime rib?
41
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:58,634
Oh, please, Al?
42
00:02:58,634 --> 00:03:02,767
The jackpot is up to $6 million,
and I have a system.
43
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,234
I know I can win.
44
00:03:04,234 --> 00:03:05,834
Oh, leave Daddy alone, Mom.
45
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:08,000
He works hard for his money.
46
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,133
Dad...
47
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:15,400
could I have $100
for a python?
48
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,133
I need one for
the school talent show.
49
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:23,601
Marry your own wallet.
50
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,834
Oh, Al, please?
51
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:28,334
I just need $70
to play my system.
52
00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:29,667
I've studied the numbers.
53
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:30,767
And you know, in school,
54
00:03:30,767 --> 00:03:32,367
there was one thing
I was good at.
55
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:33,968
Yeah, but, Peg,
in the real world,
56
00:03:33,968 --> 00:03:35,200
they don't give prizes
57
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,133
for the longest period
by a sophomore.
58
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:40,734
It's all yours, Dad.
59
00:03:40,734 --> 00:03:42,267
Well, it's about time.
60
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:45,033
The man who goes to work,
who pays the bills,
61
00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:47,601
finally gets to enjoy
the fruits of his labor.
62
00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:49,367
Stand back, kids,
63
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:51,701
let Daddy show you
how it's done.
64
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:54,434
Oh, and you might want
to put on your galoshes.
65
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:55,868
Aw, no.
66
00:03:55,868 --> 00:04:00,367
Yup. She's rising
like the mighty Mississipp'.
67
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:01,934
Now, from what I can tell,
68
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,300
either you or Mom must've tried
to flush Kelly's report card
69
00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:05,234
down the toilet.
70
00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:13,367
Oh, no. Did I let
the Fs out of the bag?
71
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:15,267
Al, she's failing again.
72
00:04:15,267 --> 00:04:16,567
Who cares?
73
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:19,334
I've got a chicken
pecking its way out of my body.
74
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:22,901
Why did we buy a house
with only one bathroom?
75
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:26,467
Because all the houses
in our price range were on fire.
76
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,634
Oh, except for that
lovely house with no kitchen
77
00:04:29,634 --> 00:04:31,901
that I wanted.
78
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:34,567
Well, Peg, we all have to live
with our disappointments.
79
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,868
I, of course,
have to sleep with mine.
80
00:04:43,334 --> 00:04:45,868
Is that its new name?
81
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,334
[LAUGHS]
82
00:04:54,501 --> 00:04:58,100
But the point is...
83
00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:00,534
when I was growing up,
I had two dreams.
84
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,834
One was being an astronaut
85
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:05,100
and landing on the planet
Jayne Mansfield.
86
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:08,000
The other was having a bathroom
all to myself.
87
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,934
Well, Daddy got blown off course
88
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:13,834
and had to crash
on a much darker planet.
89
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,801
But, family, I'm going
to realize my second dream.
90
00:05:16,801 --> 00:05:18,667
I'm going to build a bathroom,
91
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:20,000
the greatest bathroom
in the world,
92
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,000
and I want you to know
something, all of you:
93
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:26,067
Nobody uses that bathroom
but me.
94
00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:31,067
Al, honey, how can we afford
a new bathroom?
95
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:35,200
As it is, we give the kids candy
and tell them it's vitamins.
96
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,467
No more vitamins
for a while, kids.
97
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,534
But don't worry,
it won't cost much
98
00:05:40,534 --> 00:05:42,601
because I'm gonna build it
myself.
99
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,133
Mom, I'm scared.
100
00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:52,133
Hi, honey. How was school?
101
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:53,667
Oh, reading, adding,
102
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:55,868
false alarm, Principal's office,
the usual.
103
00:05:58,334 --> 00:06:02,467
Kelly, you believe
in your mother, don't you?
104
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,367
Well, a little bit.
105
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,200
That's sweet.
106
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,100
Now, can I borrow some money
for the lottery?
107
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:12,868
I can't, Mom. Since Dad decided
to build his dream bathroom,
108
00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:14,801
he took away our allowance.
109
00:06:14,801 --> 00:06:16,067
What, does he think,
110
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,167
blond hair just grows
out of your head?
111
00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:23,934
It's here!
112
00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:25,667
[GRUNTING]
113
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:28,601
Where's Bud?
I want him to see this.
114
00:06:28,601 --> 00:06:30,067
Bud, get down here!
115
00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:31,868
Family, gather round.
116
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:34,000
What is it, Dad?
117
00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:39,033
My destiny, son.
118
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:41,033
When I was a young boy,
I told myself
119
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:43,934
when I grew up,
I would have one thing:
120
00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:46,801
a toilet bowl like my dad had.
121
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:51,334
I thought it was
a head like a peanut.
122
00:06:51,334 --> 00:06:53,067
He had one of those too.
123
00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:55,734
You're not gonna
ruin my moment, Peg.
124
00:06:55,734 --> 00:06:59,434
Now, stand back
and feast your eyes on...
125
00:06:59,434 --> 00:07:00,300
this!
126
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:08,267
Is it just me,
or is that a toilet?
127
00:07:08,267 --> 00:07:10,567
Not just a toilet.
128
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:14,133
A Ferguson, the king of bowls.
129
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:17,901
Bud, sit down.
130
00:07:17,901 --> 00:07:20,801
Let me tell you
the story of the Ferguson.
131
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:26,000
Now, these babies were
made in Maine, you know,
132
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,701
at the little
Ferguson factory.
133
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:30,634
It's the Stradivarius
of toilets.
134
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:33,734
And my dad could play it
like a violin.
135
00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:36,901
[BOTH LAUGH]
136
00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:40,901
Yep, I'll never forget the time
137
00:07:40,901 --> 00:07:42,701
my dad took me on a trip
to Maine
138
00:07:42,701 --> 00:07:43,701
to visit the factory.
139
00:07:43,701 --> 00:07:45,100
I had to go to the bathroom,
140
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,300
and I begged him to pull in
to a truck stop.
141
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,901
He said, "No,
wait till we get there.
142
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:51,167
It'll be worth it."
143
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:53,267
It was.
144
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:56,968
Excuse me, here, Dad,
but a toilet is a toilet.
145
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:03,968
Bud, the toilets today
aren't worthy of the name.
146
00:08:03,968 --> 00:08:07,100
They come in designer colors,
and they're too low.
147
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,567
When you flush 'em,
148
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:11,300
they make this little, weak,
almost apologetic sound.
149
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:12,868
Not the Ferguson.
150
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,667
It only comes in white.
151
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,234
And when you flush it,
152
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,534
ba...whoosh!
153
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:23,434
That's a man's flush, Bud.
154
00:08:23,434 --> 00:08:26,567
A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet.
155
00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:29,934
Sit down
and give me your best shot."
156
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:31,601
Oh, if only a Ferguson
could speak,
157
00:08:31,601 --> 00:08:32,601
the tales it would tell...
158
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,133
And now I've got one
of my very own.
159
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:40,300
Yeah, I just wish
Dad could be alive--
160
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:49,901
This time, I don't think
he's coming back.
161
00:08:59,968 --> 00:09:03,667
Oh, look, Dad,
I'm sitting on my own Ferguson.
162
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:07,834
Just like you always knew
I would.
163
00:09:10,234 --> 00:09:13,167
Remember this
at the trial, kids.
164
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:26,167
A Ferguson, you say.
165
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:29,634
It's made by elves,
I think,
166
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,767
somewhere in Canada.
167
00:09:31,767 --> 00:09:34,300
How long will it take him
to build the bathroom?
168
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,601
Well, the instruction book says
169
00:09:35,601 --> 00:09:37,901
that a child can do it
in three weeks.
170
00:09:37,901 --> 00:09:41,634
So you figure six, eight months.
171
00:09:41,634 --> 00:09:44,868
Then we'll bring in a child.
172
00:09:44,868 --> 00:09:47,000
Well, on the plus side,
a second bathroom
173
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,501
will increase the value
of the house considerably.
174
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,434
[DRILL WHIRS]
175
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:56,767
But on the minus side...
176
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:59,901
doing it himself, is he?
177
00:09:59,901 --> 00:10:02,133
Steve, why don't you go in,
see if you can help?
178
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,434
Why should I help him?
179
00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:06,167
Because if you don't,
he may not finish.
180
00:10:06,167 --> 00:10:09,601
Then he'll come over
and use our bathroom.
181
00:10:09,601 --> 00:10:11,133
Like last week.
182
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,267
He killed our goldfish.
183
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:34,367
Doh, hi, Al.
184
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,667
Uh, I was just cutting
through here to go home.
185
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,634
No, no. Hang on
a second there, Steve.
186
00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:40,868
I want to
ask you something.
187
00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:42,634
What do you think so far?
188
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,000
It's a dream, Al.
189
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,901
Yeah, many's a time I'll be
sitting in my bathroom,
190
00:10:48,901 --> 00:10:51,033
wishing I could
look at my car.
191
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,334
Do I detect a little
green-eyed monster
192
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:57,033
sneaking into your voice
there, Steve?
193
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,234
Come on, you can be honest.
194
00:10:58,234 --> 00:10:59,834
It's beautiful, isn't it?
195
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:03,868
Al, I don't see any area
marked off for a sink.
196
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:06,968
Hey, this is a man's bathroom.
197
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:08,434
Ah, you know how
198
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,834
when you have to share
a bathroom with a woman,
199
00:11:10,834 --> 00:11:13,334
well, in my case, Peggy,
200
00:11:13,334 --> 00:11:15,834
you get nylons
on the shower rod,
201
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:18,934
you get Nair
where the toothpaste should be,
202
00:11:18,934 --> 00:11:22,467
and a bottle of vinegar
lying around.
203
00:11:22,467 --> 00:11:23,934
I mean...
204
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:28,200
What do they do in there,
make a salad?
205
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,801
Well, not in my bathroom, Steve.
206
00:11:30,801 --> 00:11:32,234
In my medicine cabinet,
207
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:33,701
I'm just gonna have
guy stuff:
208
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:35,667
You know, Rolaids,
milk of magnesia,
209
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:37,501
Tums, my razor.
210
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:39,901
Why do you need a razor
when you don't have a sink?
211
00:11:39,901 --> 00:11:41,834
Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve,
212
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,133
it's for peace of mind.
213
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:45,634
Look over here.
214
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:47,000
This is my own design.
215
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:52,367
This is my four-roll
toilet paper dispenser.
216
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:55,167
No more running out
in crucial situations.
217
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:58,167
When the bomb drops, I'm set.
218
00:11:58,167 --> 00:12:01,667
Now, listen, Al, there might be
some looting out there.
219
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:04,000
You might wanna get a rifle
to protect those babies.
220
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,634
That's a good thought, Steve.
221
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:15,033
I had another great thought
the other day.
222
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:17,033
You know, I've been going
to lots of bathrooms lately,
223
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:18,334
you know, research.
224
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:20,300
And I saw something in
a public bathroom downtown
225
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,501
that I thought would work
just great in my bathroom here.
226
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:25,567
A door high enough so you can
crawl under without paying?
227
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:27,601
Oh, excuse me, Steve.
228
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:29,367
See, I don't have the class
like you,
229
00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:32,767
what with a fish floating
belly-up in your bathroom.
230
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:35,534
That fish was alive
in the morning, Al.
231
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:40,767
Uh, anyway,
I was in this handicap stall,
232
00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:43,400
and I notice that
they have this great rail.
233
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,467
You know, many's the time
I need a rail to help me get up.
234
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,601
You really don't want
this chicken?
235
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:51,734
Nah, the kids
hate leftovers.
236
00:12:51,734 --> 00:12:57,167
Oh, don't put it
anywhere near a clock.
237
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,434
Anyway, Marcy,
238
00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:01,000
I just know my lottery numbers
are gonna come up,
239
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,434
and I just need $70 to play.
240
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:04,934
So, what do you say, Marce?
241
00:13:04,934 --> 00:13:06,667
You lend me the $70,
242
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:10,300
and if I win, I'll pay you back.
243
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,133
Let me be honest
with you, Peggy.
244
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:15,300
I once loaned money to a friend,
245
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,300
and that person
never paid me back.
246
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,734
I never said a word about it,
247
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:20,667
but I harbored
a deep resentment.
248
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,567
And it strained
our relationship,
249
00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:24,567
to the point where
the very sight of that person
250
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:25,567
made me sick.
251
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:27,334
You're kidding.
252
00:13:27,334 --> 00:13:29,067
What a lowlife.
253
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:30,234
Who was it?
254
00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:32,400
It was you, Peggy.
255
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:34,501
Oh.
256
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:38,968
How'd you like
to have the rights
257
00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:41,634
to Al's organs
after he dies?
258
00:13:41,634 --> 00:13:43,634
Sound good?
259
00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:45,734
Oh, no, I can't do that.
260
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:48,767
I hocked those the other day
for a tank of gas,
261
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:51,567
but, you know, I think
I have a spleen left.
262
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:54,834
No, but thank you.
263
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,701
We have so many knickknacks
already,
264
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:59,634
it would just be
one more thing to dust.
265
00:13:59,634 --> 00:14:01,701
Look, Peggy,
if you really need the money,
266
00:14:01,701 --> 00:14:03,033
they're looking
for part-time help
267
00:14:03,033 --> 00:14:04,033
at the supermarket.
268
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:06,501
You'd do that for me?
269
00:14:07,968 --> 00:14:10,868
Listen, why don't you just
ask Al for the money?
270
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,334
I can't.
271
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:13,934
Ever since he's been
building that bathroom,
272
00:14:13,934 --> 00:14:16,167
he hides his wallet
in a different place.
273
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:19,133
Al's bowels are draining
the very lifeblood
274
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:21,267
out of this family.
275
00:14:21,267 --> 00:14:23,601
You know, all he thinks about
is that bathroom.
276
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:26,400
He even makes flushing sounds
in his sleep.
277
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,701
Ba-whoosh!
278
00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:32,534
Not that he's given up
his regular sounds.
279
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,400
Well, I guess I'm lucky.
280
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:42,234
Steve just holds himself
and hums.
281
00:14:44,601 --> 00:14:47,634
What a pig,
282
00:14:47,634 --> 00:14:49,634
but at least he's not
building a monument
283
00:14:49,634 --> 00:14:51,767
to his regularity.
284
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,434
I am telling you, Marcy,
285
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:56,334
Al loves that toilet bowl
more than he does me.
286
00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:58,367
Oh, Peggy, don't be ridiculous.
287
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,601
Hi, Peg.
288
00:15:04,234 --> 00:15:06,133
Daddy loves you.
289
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,934
What does that toilet have
that I don't?
290
00:15:10,934 --> 00:15:12,601
A job.
291
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,868
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And no one
has won our big jackpot.
292
00:15:18,868 --> 00:15:20,534
So keep playing,
293
00:15:20,534 --> 00:15:24,834
because the $21 million jackpot
could be yours.
294
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:27,133
[RADIO ANNOUNCER
SPEAKS SPANISH]
295
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:35,601
Twenty-one mil, and it's
all gonna be mine.
296
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:38,133
You mean ours,
don't you, Mom?
297
00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:40,334
[LAUGHS]
298
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:41,467
Sure.
299
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:45,033
This is ridiculous.
300
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:48,667
Mom, when is Dad gonna
turn the electricity on?
301
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:50,467
I wanna play
some records.
302
00:15:50,467 --> 00:15:52,701
Oh, come on, Kel,
you don't need records.
303
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:54,000
You know all the words.
304
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,734
Just chant,
"Oh, Satan. Yay, Satan.
305
00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:01,200
Satan,
I'm your squeeze."
306
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,767
Eat Dad's socks.
307
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:05,734
Sniff his shoes!
308
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:13,868
Now, kids, we are all
just a little on-edge here.
309
00:16:13,868 --> 00:16:16,501
I think we're letting
the cold and dark get to us.
310
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:20,400
Mom, seriously,
is this our life?
311
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,434
Well, I think you're old enough
to know the truth.
312
00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:26,000
Yes, it is.
313
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:34,567
Okay, kids, coats off.
Daddy's on a break.
314
00:16:35,968 --> 00:16:37,834
I'm just having
the time of my life.
315
00:16:37,834 --> 00:16:38,934
[LAUGHS]
316
00:16:38,934 --> 00:16:40,000
Bud.
317
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,767
Kelly.
318
00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:45,267
Fergie.
319
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,734
Hey, I got an idea.
320
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,133
What say I get the camera,
321
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:50,968
and we each pose
for a picture with the bowl?
322
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:55,634
Oh, can I stick
my head in it, please?
323
00:16:55,634 --> 00:17:00,000
You just wise-guyed yourself
out of a picture, young lady.
324
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,100
Who's first?
325
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,934
Al, we are living like Okies.
326
00:17:03,934 --> 00:17:06,434
Can you please finish
that bathroom?
327
00:17:06,434 --> 00:17:08,167
Peg, I'm in
the home stretch now.
328
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:09,667
I would've been done already,
329
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:11,467
but something keeps happening
to my stuff.
330
00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:13,901
Bud, did you take
my adjustable wrenches?
331
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,767
Yeah, Dad.
332
00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:18,367
You're onto me.
333
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,801
I've been having
these wild parties.
334
00:17:20,801 --> 00:17:22,634
I've been inviting girls over,
335
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,300
and we turn the lights down
real low,
336
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:27,334
and we...gang-fix the sink.
337
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:30,601
Kelly?
338
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,501
Oh, come on, Dad, look around.
339
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:35,000
If I was gonna steal anything,
340
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,734
it certainly wouldn't be
from this house.
341
00:17:36,734 --> 00:17:38,667
Yeah, it must be the neighbors.
342
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:40,567
You know,
people hear you got a Ferguson,
343
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,067
they think you got money.
344
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:44,234
Yeah, well, people hear
you got a husband,
345
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:46,868
they think you have sex.
346
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,667
Say what you will, Peg,
you won't bring me down.
347
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:53,834
This bowl has given me
a natural high.
348
00:17:53,834 --> 00:17:56,968
Button up, kids.
I'm going back to work.
349
00:17:56,968 --> 00:17:58,367
I just wish I could figure out
350
00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:00,501
what's happening to my tools
and my copper tubing
351
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:03,634
and my tiles and my life
and my manhood.
352
00:18:08,634 --> 00:18:10,133
ALL:
* Flintstones *
353
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,767
* We're the Flintstones *
354
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:13,968
* We're the modern Stone-Age
Family **
355
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,167
Drop that tile!
[WHIRS]
356
00:18:37,501 --> 00:18:39,167
You, Peg?
357
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:42,601
Oh, Al, I'm sorry,
358
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:45,200
but it's just that you've
been hiding your wallet.
359
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,167
And I had to sell your tools
for lottery money.
360
00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:54,067
Oh, Al, you see, if you die,
361
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:55,534
then I can get welfare.
362
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:58,968
But if you live,
I have nothing.
363
00:18:58,968 --> 00:19:01,601
I had to do it.
Don't you understand?
364
00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:03,567
You see, you've got
this bathroom.
365
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:05,601
Well, this lottery
is my bathroom.
366
00:19:05,601 --> 00:19:07,868
We each have a dream.
367
00:19:07,868 --> 00:19:10,434
Yours is just pathetic.
368
00:19:10,434 --> 00:19:13,400
Well, okay, Peg, if you think
that winning the lottery
369
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,901
is more important
than our marriage,
370
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,767
then...go ahead.
371
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,234
[WHIRS]
372
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:28,434
Did I forget to mention
you won't make it to the door?
373
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:31,033
Come on, Peg. Sit down here.
374
00:19:32,734 --> 00:19:34,200
Peg...
375
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:39,100
Honey, we don't need
the lottery.
376
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,501
We've got each other.
377
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:44,701
I want the lottery.
378
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:47,133
Peg, all I'm asking
you to do is nothing.
379
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:49,467
Nobody does that
better than you.
380
00:19:49,467 --> 00:19:51,133
Just pretend
the kids are hungry
381
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:52,367
and I've got the flu.
382
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:54,200
You mean just sit
on the couch
383
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,434
and pretend
you don't exist?
384
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:56,501
Yes.
385
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:57,901
Like that time
you broke your foot?
386
00:19:57,901 --> 00:19:59,501
Yes!
387
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:00,767
Just for one week, Peg.
388
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,934
Can you do it
for me, please?
389
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:06,067
Aw, you're so cute
when you beg.
390
00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:07,467
[BOTH LAUGH]
391
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,534
I'll do it, Al.
392
00:20:09,534 --> 00:20:11,567
Uh, Peg, there's just
one other thing.
393
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:13,734
If you have to steal
for the lottery,
394
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:17,400
for one week,
steal from the kids, okay?
395
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,501
Okay.
396
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:20,701
[BOTH LAUGH]
397
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:22,934
Oh, Peg. You know,
a funny thing happened.
398
00:20:22,934 --> 00:20:25,434
I was at the gas station
the other day, and...
399
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:28,767
I was rubbing my eyes.
400
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:31,200
This mechanic came over to me,
and he said,
401
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:35,667
"Don't do that. I own those."
402
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:38,033
What do you think he meant?
403
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,367
Well, you know
how foreigners are, honey.
404
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:42,634
They think they own everything.
405
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:48,467
TV ANNOUNCER: Congratulations
to our $60 million winner,
406
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:52,667
Mr. Soo Lum Park.
407
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:56,000
Not bad for two weeks
in the country, eh, Soo?
408
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,067
[CLICK]
409
00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:01,033
Did anybody take my skateboard?
410
00:21:01,033 --> 00:21:02,734
Oh, leave me alone.
411
00:21:04,033 --> 00:21:07,400
Well, Daddy finally
finished his bathroom.
412
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,667
You know, the living room
seems so much bigger
413
00:21:09,667 --> 00:21:11,334
without the Ferguson.
414
00:21:11,334 --> 00:21:12,467
Yeah,
415
00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:14,901
This must be quite a moment
for your father.
416
00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:19,067
He's in there, breaking in
the Ferguson as we speak.
417
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:20,400
Must be having fun.
418
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,567
He's been in there
for over an hour.
419
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:27,400
How was it, Al?
420
00:21:28,601 --> 00:21:30,000
I don't know, Peg.
421
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,567
I'm constipated.
422
00:21:39,033 --> 00:21:40,968
This is the worst
day of my life.
423
00:21:40,968 --> 00:21:43,868
I wonder if this
ever happened to Dad.
424
00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:44,868
Do you want me
425
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,601
to undercook you
some chicken, honey?
426
00:21:47,601 --> 00:21:49,067
No, but thanks
anyway, Peg.
427
00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:51,200
It'll take something a lot
stronger than raw chicken
428
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,868
to get me fixed up.
429
00:21:53,868 --> 00:21:55,367
TV ANNOUNCER:
And now, stay tuned
430
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:57,601
for the rest
of our exciting ABC lineup:
431
00:21:57,601 --> 00:22:00,033
Roseanne, Moonlighting,
432
00:22:00,033 --> 00:22:02,701
and the award-winning
thirtysomething.
433
00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:06,400
[CLICK]
434
00:22:16,567 --> 00:22:18,200
[DOOR SHUTS]
435
00:22:20,334 --> 00:22:22,367
[TOILET FLUSHES]
436
00:22:29,767 --> 00:22:32,200
AL:
Now, that's a man's flush.
437
00:22:42,467 --> 00:22:44,567
[***]1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,834
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:17,434
[ARETHA FRANKLIN'S
"RESPECT" PLAYING]
3
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,601
[LIP-SYNCHING]
* What you want *
4
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:28,267
* Baby, I got *
5
00:01:28,267 --> 00:01:30,033
* What you need *
6
00:01:30,033 --> 00:01:32,501
* Do you know I got it? *
7
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:34,400
* All I'm askin' *
8
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,100
* Is for a little respect
When you come home *
9
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:39,234
* Hey, baby *
* Just a little bit *
10
00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:41,634
* When you come home *
* Just a little bit *
11
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,801
* Mister *
* Just a little bit *
12
00:01:44,801 --> 00:01:47,534
* I ain't gonna do you wrong
While you're gone... *
13
00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:49,868
This is so sad.
14
00:01:49,868 --> 00:01:50,868
Look at her.
15
00:01:50,868 --> 00:01:52,267
Every year,
it's the same thing.
16
00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:55,534
Yup. The birthday hop.
17
00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:57,067
* R-E-S-P-E-C-T *
18
00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:59,100
* Find out what
It means to me *
19
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,734
* R-E-S-P-E-C-T *
20
00:02:01,734 --> 00:02:03,467
* Take out T-C-P *
21
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:05,701
* Oh *
* Sock it to me *
22
00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:07,634
* A little respect *
23
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:09,100
* Whoa *
24
00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,400
* A little respect *
* Just a little bit *
25
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,934
You'd think
she'd learn,
26
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:14,067
but every year,
27
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,501
she turns
on the oldies station,
28
00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:16,934
cranks it up real loud,
29
00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:20,934
and dances the dances
of our forefathers.
30
00:02:20,934 --> 00:02:21,968
Oh, and then,
31
00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:23,234
she realizes
how old she is
32
00:02:23,234 --> 00:02:24,434
and gets depressed.
33
00:02:24,434 --> 00:02:25,434
Watch.
34
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:26,801
DJ:
Remember that one?
35
00:02:26,801 --> 00:02:30,067
If you do, you must be 100,
36
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,200
because it was
over 20 years ago.
37
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,901
That was one for you, Grandma!
38
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,801
So sad. So sad.
39
00:02:37,801 --> 00:02:39,534
Bud, if I ever
get that old
40
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:40,534
and act like that,
41
00:02:40,534 --> 00:02:42,534
would you please
shoot me?
42
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:44,701
Why wait?
43
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:45,901
Hi, Mom.
44
00:02:45,901 --> 00:02:46,901
Hi, Mom.
45
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,968
Leave me alone.
46
00:02:49,968 --> 00:02:52,734
Hi, Peg.
47
00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:53,901
How you doing?
48
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:56,300
How am I doing?
49
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:57,534
It's my birthday,
50
00:02:57,534 --> 00:03:00,367
and you have the audacity
to ask me how I'm doing?
51
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:01,367
[SIGHS]
52
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:03,968
The best years
of my life are over.
53
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:09,767
And the worst part is
I spent them with you.
54
00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:11,601
By the way, Al,
55
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,968
am I still attractive?
56
00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:15,934
Peg, you're still
the same knee in the groin
57
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:17,534
you were
when you were 16.
58
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:20,467
I don't believe you.
59
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,267
You didn't say it
with feeling.
60
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:26,634
You are an insensitive hog
of a man.
61
00:03:26,634 --> 00:03:28,934
Ooh, I've gotta do
something
62
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:31,934
to shake
these birthday blues.
63
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:33,734
I know.
Give me money.
64
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,100
I'm gonna shop
till you drop.
65
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:39,367
Oh, by the way, Al,
66
00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:40,968
this does not get
you off the hook
67
00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:41,968
for a present,
68
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:42,968
and this year,
69
00:03:42,968 --> 00:03:44,200
I want
something different.
70
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,367
Oh, Peg, I only know
how to do it one way.
71
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,200
And one day,
72
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,901
maybe you'll
get it right.
73
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,067
No, honey.
74
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:56,400
This year,
I want something
75
00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:00,234
that lasts longer
than three minutes.
76
00:04:00,234 --> 00:04:01,601
I want a real gift.
77
00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:03,601
I want you
to spend money on me, Al.
78
00:04:03,601 --> 00:04:05,701
Peg, I have
no more money.
79
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:08,601
That doesn't stop me
from spending it.
80
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:11,534
God, do I have to do
everything around here?
81
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,200
Hi, Dad.
82
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,267
Hi, Dad.
83
00:04:19,267 --> 00:04:22,300
Kids, why didn't you tell me
it was your mother's birthday?
84
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:24,200
I wouldn't have come home.
85
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:27,901
Dad, do you know
what we love about you?
86
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,200
How could I?
87
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,434
It's that you're old,
but it's okay.
88
00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:33,834
Yeah,
like Popeye.
89
00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:36,033
You yam
what you yam.
90
00:04:36,033 --> 00:04:37,601
You're
the greatest, Dad.
91
00:04:37,601 --> 00:04:38,968
[CHUCKLES]
92
00:04:38,968 --> 00:04:39,834
I'm broke, son.
93
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:42,834
Don't call me "son."
94
00:04:45,434 --> 00:04:47,400
Kelly, let me
ask you a question.
95
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:48,601
Daddy, no matter
what you heard
96
00:04:48,601 --> 00:04:49,601
on the streets,
97
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:50,601
I'm a good girl,
98
00:04:50,601 --> 00:04:52,000
and I never would have
done that.
99
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,167
No, no, no.
It's about your mother.
100
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:55,367
Daddy, no matter
what you heard
101
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:56,367
on the streets,
102
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:57,834
she's a good girl
and she never--
103
00:04:57,834 --> 00:05:00,434
No! I want to talk
about her birthday.
104
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,634
I don't know
what to get your mother.
105
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:06,133
Maybe your being a girl
will come in handy for once.
106
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:07,234
Any ideas?
107
00:05:07,234 --> 00:05:10,767
Well, it's not as easy
as it sounds, Dad.
108
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:13,400
She's real down
about this age thing.
109
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,834
You've got to
understand something.
110
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:17,934
Mom was around
before I was even born.
111
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:19,701
It's harder
for a woman to get old.
112
00:05:19,701 --> 00:05:21,334
There's so many more
places to sag.
113
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:23,434
You know, I've seen
those college girls
114
00:05:23,434 --> 00:05:24,934
just starting to age.
115
00:05:24,934 --> 00:05:28,300
The little lines they get around
their eyes when they smile,
116
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:32,000
the hair on their knuckles
starting to darken,
117
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,234
the fear in their face
as they find themselves
118
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:37,400
staring at the big 2-5.
119
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,634
Well, I guess what
I'm trying to say here
120
00:05:39,634 --> 00:05:41,901
is that--
121
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:43,868
Wait.
What was the question?
122
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,000
Yeah, I'd like
to get some flowers
123
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,467
for my wife's birthday.
124
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,968
What can I get for $3.95?
125
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:57,200
Well, how much for some seeds?
126
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,534
Hello?
127
00:05:58,534 --> 00:06:00,100
Hello?
128
00:06:02,501 --> 00:06:03,501
Oh...
129
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:05,934
Oh, hi, Peg. How you doing?
130
00:06:05,934 --> 00:06:07,801
I feel so empty.
131
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:11,100
I shopped and I shopped,
and I still couldn't get happy.
132
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,734
Look at all this junk.
133
00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:15,067
I don't even want half of it.
134
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:17,267
Oh. And as if I wasn't
depressed enough,
135
00:06:17,267 --> 00:06:20,067
something horrible happened
while I was out shopping.
136
00:06:20,067 --> 00:06:22,133
You accidentally
bought something for me?
137
00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:25,400
No. Worse than that.
138
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,334
They discontinued my bra.
139
00:06:28,334 --> 00:06:32,067
I told you
not to wear it out in public.
140
00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:35,901
No, you damn shoe salesman.
141
00:06:35,901 --> 00:06:37,100
They stopped making it.
142
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:41,934
My Fancy Figure 327
is a thing of the past.
143
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:43,501
Oh, Al...
144
00:06:43,501 --> 00:06:45,868
What's gonna become
of my breasts?
145
00:06:45,868 --> 00:06:49,200
I love how my bosom looks
in the Fancy Figure 327.
146
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,234
It lifts. It cradles.
147
00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:53,634
Al...
148
00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:56,467
That is the only style bra
I have ever worn.
149
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:58,234
Come on, Peg.
150
00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,934
The guys will
look good in anything.
151
00:07:00,934 --> 00:07:03,501
You mean that, Al?
152
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:05,968
You'll still love
your little squeezies?
153
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,667
[CHUCKLES]
154
00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:09,701
Well, sure, Peg,
155
00:07:09,701 --> 00:07:11,267
but promise
to keep them locked up
156
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:13,234
till the sun goes down.
157
00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:14,634
Well...
158
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,501
I'm gonna have to do
something about it
159
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:17,734
sooner or later,
160
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:22,667
so I bought
15 different bras.
161
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:24,767
This is the only one
that comes close...
162
00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:29,901
The Maxi-Force 911
EZ Loader.
163
00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:31,133
What do you think?
164
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:32,334
Well, I'm thinking
on my birthday,
165
00:07:32,334 --> 00:07:33,934
do I run to you
with my underwear,
166
00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:35,300
looking for help?
167
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:37,400
Well, maybe you should.
168
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,434
Then I could tell you
169
00:07:38,434 --> 00:07:40,400
that the bigger hole
goes in front.
170
00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:48,634
Yeah, Peg,
I sense you're in a mood here.
171
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:50,033
You know, it's just
a stinking bra.
172
00:07:50,033 --> 00:07:51,400
Who cares?
173
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,767
Let me explain it to you
so you'll understand.
174
00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:55,767
You know how you like
175
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,834
to stick your finger
in your ear?
176
00:07:57,834 --> 00:07:59,601
Well, just suppose
that one day
177
00:07:59,601 --> 00:08:00,868
that ear closed up
178
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:02,534
and the finger
didn't fit anymore.
179
00:08:02,534 --> 00:08:03,801
I'd use your fingers,
180
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:04,968
like I do
when you're sleeping.
181
00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:10,200
Doesn't anyone
understand?
182
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,367
Peggy...
183
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,901
I just heard
about your bra.
184
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:16,100
I'm so sorry.
185
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,567
Do you have a backup?
186
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:19,834
No.
187
00:08:19,834 --> 00:08:21,501
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
188
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,067
Peggy, you have got
to plan ahead.
189
00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:25,701
Now, I have a backup,
190
00:08:25,701 --> 00:08:29,200
and I break it in gradually
so it's not such a shock,
191
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,734
and I'm always out scouting.
192
00:08:30,734 --> 00:08:34,000
The Pretty Petite 204
looks promising.
193
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,234
Oh, but that's more of
a power bra.
194
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:37,467
What you need
195
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:40,467
is a nice, all-purpose
utility bra.
196
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:42,567
Mmm, but with more women
joining the workforce,
197
00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:43,734
those are hard to find.
198
00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:45,868
Oh, tell me about it.
199
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:47,467
I don't know
why we even need bras.
200
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:48,901
Well, I think
201
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:52,000
it's to keep your breasts
off the plate when you eat.
202
00:08:58,434 --> 00:09:01,000
You know, if we put
an apple in his mouth,
203
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,434
we could have
a luau.
204
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:05,234
No. He's got to go
to work tomorrow
205
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:07,100
and earn that big money.
206
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,467
[LADIES LAUGH]
207
00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:10,467
[SIGHS]
208
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,234
You know
who we have to blame
209
00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:13,534
for this whole
bra problem?
210
00:09:13,534 --> 00:09:14,534
Me?
211
00:09:14,534 --> 00:09:17,133
No, men.
212
00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:18,834
They design
and manufacture bras
213
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:20,467
not for the bosoms
that we have,
214
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,000
but for the bosoms
that they want.
215
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,200
Do you know
what would happen
216
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,200
if men had breasts?
217
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,200
We wouldn't need women anymore?
218
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:29,968
And if you had
what other men have,
219
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:33,667
I wouldn't need
batteries anymore.
220
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:40,968
That's what happened
to my Diehard!
221
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:45,000
Come on, Peggy,
let's go upstairs
222
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,200
and see
if we can piece
223
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,400
some of your
old bras together.
224
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,767
That should
tide you over
225
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:50,300
till you can break in
a replacement.
226
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,901
Oh, Marcy,
what am I gonna do?
227
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:54,701
That bra was
the only thing in this house
228
00:09:54,701 --> 00:09:57,100
that felt good
when it held me.
229
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:00,567
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
230
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:06,501
I'm glad
you're here.
231
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:08,667
I need a bra, Steve.
232
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,801
Some makeup wouldn't hurt,
either.
233
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:15,234
I'm in real trouble
here, Steve.
234
00:10:15,234 --> 00:10:17,701
They discontinued
my wife's bra,
235
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:20,968
yet my wife lives on.
236
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:22,868
If I don't get her
a good birthday present,
237
00:10:22,868 --> 00:10:24,267
I'm in big trouble.
238
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:25,400
It could get ugly.
239
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,400
She could want affection.
240
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,701
As we know,
241
00:10:27,701 --> 00:10:31,000
affection is just
a hammerlock away from sex.
242
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,067
So, what's the problem?
243
00:10:32,067 --> 00:10:33,367
Just get her her old bra,
244
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,601
and you can hang up the big guy
for another year.
245
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:36,801
That's a nice dream,
Steve,
246
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:38,501
but I can't do it.
247
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:39,868
She's looked
everywhere in town.
248
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:41,567
She can't find
that bra.
249
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:44,100
Ah, but she hasn't tried
Francine's of Hollywood
250
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,000
in Oconomowoc,
Wisconsin.
251
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,501
It's the ultimate
lingerie store.
252
00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:50,133
That's where I send
for those special, um...
253
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:52,267
items I get for Marcy.
254
00:10:52,267 --> 00:10:54,000
Do you think
they'd have her bra?
255
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,434
Their motto is,
256
00:10:55,434 --> 00:10:58,000
"If you've got the boulders,
we've got the holders."
257
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,701
It's a long way
to go though, isn't it?
258
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,934
PEGGY:
Oh, they don't look right!
259
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:05,234
Al, come up here and hold me.
260
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:06,133
I'll drive.
261
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,434
I knew women
looked like this.
262
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:27,901
I knew it.
I knew it.
263
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:31,734
Excuse me, sir.
264
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:32,734
Would you know
265
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,267
where they put
the bun sparkle?
266
00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:37,767
I think they keep that
in the produce department.
267
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:38,767
Thanks.
268
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:43,400
Whoa! So many things I want.
269
00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:51,467
May I help you?
270
00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:53,501
Uh, yes. We'd like
to buy some breasts.
271
00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:55,634
Er, bras.
272
00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:59,200
And breasts.
273
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:03,000
Actually, uh,
we're up from Chi-Town.
274
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,834
We're interested
in the Fancy Figure 327
275
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:06,868
for my friend here.
276
00:12:06,868 --> 00:12:08,200
Size?
277
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,200
Oh, gee, I don't know, uh...
278
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,100
About this tall.
279
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,367
Oh, I see.
280
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:14,767
Don't be embarrassed.
281
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:16,934
We often cater
to people like you.
282
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:18,567
Now, what size
283
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:21,067
does your boyfriend
like to see you in?
284
00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:23,868
No, no, no!
285
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,400
You don't--
You don't understand.
286
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,467
We're married.
287
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:27,534
Not to each other!
288
00:12:27,534 --> 00:12:30,400
To, uh...women.
289
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,734
And if I was gay,
290
00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:34,100
I'd like to think
I could do better than him.
291
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:43,534
What's that
supposed to mean?
292
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:47,367
You don't turn me on.
There, I said it.
293
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,567
Anyway, I'm looking for a bra
for my wife,
294
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:52,934
who is a woman...sort of.
295
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:55,133
Well, then, I'll need to
know her cup size.
296
00:12:57,033 --> 00:12:58,767
Is she my size?
297
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:05,634
Sir?
298
00:13:05,634 --> 00:13:06,901
Oh, I'm sorry.
299
00:13:06,901 --> 00:13:10,501
I was sweating into my eyes.
300
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:11,534
What did you say?
301
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:13,033
What's her cup size?
302
00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:14,601
Oh, like, uh...
303
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,567
Oh, miss, excuse me.
304
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,167
Could you help us out
here a minute?
305
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:19,167
Sure.
306
00:13:19,167 --> 00:13:21,400
Um...um.
307
00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:23,701
What do you think,
Steve,
308
00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:24,834
about like this?
309
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:27,434
I'm not speaking to you.
310
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:31,133
Uh...
311
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,267
I'm sorry, sir,
312
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:34,267
but I'm gonna have to
take them away now.
313
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,067
We have to try on
some stuff.
314
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,100
Oh...
315
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,901
Anyhow, they're
about like this.
316
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,000
Oh, 36C.
317
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,234
You're a lucky man.
318
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:45,133
Yeah, if they came la carte.
319
00:13:45,133 --> 00:13:47,133
Just give me 10.
320
00:13:47,133 --> 00:13:48,033
Okay.
321
00:13:51,601 --> 00:13:56,267
Let's see the Japanese build
a better one of those.
322
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,300
Steve, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?
323
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,367
Huh?
324
00:14:04,534 --> 00:14:06,567
Oh, come on, Al.
She was asking for it.
325
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,734
You see how she's dressed.
326
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:10,267
Al, I'm feeling
a little fevered.
327
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,701
I'm just gonna go over there
and cool off.
328
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,934
Hey, Pops.
329
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:23,434
How they hanging?
330
00:14:23,434 --> 00:14:25,100
Not too bad, son.
331
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:26,767
Not too bad.
332
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,567
I see you ordered
the Fancy Figure 327.
333
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,133
Solid bra,
334
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:33,300
a bra with its feet
on the ground.
335
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:35,834
A real man's bra.
[LAUGHS]
336
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:38,200
Ah, look at that...
337
00:14:40,367 --> 00:14:43,701
And they wonder
why we call 'em queens.
338
00:14:43,701 --> 00:14:47,467
Yeah...there ought to be a law.
339
00:14:47,467 --> 00:14:48,901
WOMAN: Pops! Phone.
340
00:14:48,901 --> 00:14:51,300
It's your wife.
341
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,501
Nag, nag, nag,
eh, buddy?
[LAUGHS]
342
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:54,501
Sheesh.
343
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,734
Well, nice try, Marce,
344
00:15:04,734 --> 00:15:06,000
but now
the right one lifts,
345
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,400
and the left one
cradles.
346
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,400
Till now,
347
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,367
the guys have
always worked as a team.
348
00:15:11,367 --> 00:15:13,167
Well, this is just
to tide you over
349
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:14,701
till you find
the one you want.
350
00:15:14,701 --> 00:15:16,534
That's what Mother
said about Al.
351
00:15:16,534 --> 00:15:18,767
Now look at me.
352
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,067
Thinking of Al
353
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:21,868
is not going to
help anyone.
354
00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:22,868
[DOORBELL RINGS]
355
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:23,868
Yeah, you're right,
356
00:15:23,868 --> 00:15:25,767
but I can't help it.
357
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:27,767
I feel lower
than I did on our honeymoon
358
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:30,200
when I realized
Al wasn't holding back.
359
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:35,968
Oh, I'm sorry. Kelly's not home.
360
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,667
Mrs. Bundy?
361
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:38,834
Yes.
362
00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:41,200
You're under arrest.
363
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,033
What for?
364
00:15:43,033 --> 00:15:44,033
Parking tickets.
365
00:15:44,033 --> 00:15:46,200
Oh, well, that can't be.
366
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,267
That's impossible.
367
00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:49,868
My car isn't even registered.
368
00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:54,934
Officer, isn't there something
we can do about this?
369
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:57,033
We can dance.
370
00:15:57,033 --> 00:15:58,734
[MARCY SQUEALS]
371
00:15:58,734 --> 00:15:59,734
[FUNKY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
372
00:15:59,734 --> 00:16:01,200
Happy birthday, Peggy!
373
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:18,367
Oh, hi, Al.
374
00:16:18,367 --> 00:16:19,934
I was just outside
checking the car.
375
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,167
The meter's
a little low.
376
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:23,601
I'm gonna need about $6
in quarters.
377
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:33,033
Here are your bras, sir.
378
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:36,000
Would you like some paddles
to go with them?
379
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,801
No. I don't have
a Ping-Pong table.
380
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,767
Excuse me, sir.
381
00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:44,834
Are you straight?
382
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,267
The hairs on my chest are.
383
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,267
Oh, good.
384
00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:49,901
Maybe you can help me.
385
00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:52,300
If you were my boyfriend,
would you like this?
386
00:16:58,367 --> 00:16:59,701
Will he like it?
387
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,167
Or do you think
388
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:05,567
he'd like it better
without the bra,
389
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,000
like this?
390
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,901
Yeah, you're right.
391
00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:20,367
I don't need the bra.
392
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:31,701
You know, they change
everything good.
393
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:33,834
Remember full-service
gas stations?
394
00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:36,734
They used to give you gas,
change your oil
395
00:17:36,734 --> 00:17:38,734
and wash your windows.
396
00:17:38,734 --> 00:17:40,267
Now they just look up
your dress,
397
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,467
say, "Pay before you pump,"
398
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:44,234
and, "America, phooey."
399
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:46,934
They do it
with TV shows too.
400
00:17:46,934 --> 00:17:48,334
Remember
Mission: Impossible?
401
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:49,734
They canceled it.
402
00:17:49,734 --> 00:17:51,267
What did they
replace it with?
403
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:54,234
Mission: Impossible.
404
00:17:54,234 --> 00:17:55,868
I miss eight-track tapes.
405
00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:02,767
I'm not paying you
to speak, dear.
406
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:09,000
Hi, Mom.
407
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,834
Dad dead?
408
00:18:15,033 --> 00:18:16,033
No.
409
00:18:16,033 --> 00:18:17,534
Well, then,
410
00:18:17,534 --> 00:18:21,901
I guess this is a good time
to discuss my new allowance.
411
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:22,901
Don't worry, Bud.
412
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:24,701
He's just
an exotic dancer
413
00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:26,868
that Mrs. Rhoades
got for Mommy's birthday.
414
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,901
It's just a rental.
415
00:18:31,033 --> 00:18:32,501
Hi, Mom.
416
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,367
Dad dead?
417
00:18:35,968 --> 00:18:37,667
Just in spirit.
418
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:39,701
Well...I gotta go.
419
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:41,634
Bar exam tomorrow.
420
00:18:49,901 --> 00:18:52,067
Happy birthday,
ma'am.
421
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:54,701
You're very gifted.
422
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,033
Mind if I get dressed upstairs?
423
00:18:56,033 --> 00:18:57,033
Oh, yeah.
424
00:18:57,033 --> 00:18:58,367
First door
on the right.
425
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,434
Just follow
the trail of tears.
426
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,400
[CLEARS THROAT]
427
00:19:07,734 --> 00:19:09,267
I know it's anticlimactic,
428
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:12,033
but we got you
some presents too.
429
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:15,801
Oh, you didn't
have to do that.
430
00:19:15,801 --> 00:19:18,901
I told you
we didn't have to do this.
431
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,467
Why do I listen to you?
432
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:21,467
It's Mom's birthday.
433
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:22,834
Drop dead, will you?
434
00:19:22,834 --> 00:19:25,200
Here.
Open mine first.
435
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,234
Ohhh...
436
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:34,667
Al Jolson's
Greatest Hits.
437
00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:36,067
Oh, honey.
438
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,567
It's a 78.
439
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,434
[LAUGHS]
440
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:45,801
I knew
Kelly's would bomb.
441
00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:48,534
Now, open mine.
442
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:50,934
Unlike Kelly, I knew you were
down about your birthday,
443
00:19:50,934 --> 00:19:53,567
so I got you something
to make you feel better.
444
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:57,834
Mrs. Yesterday's
Wrinkle Remover?
445
00:19:57,834 --> 00:20:00,634
"Smear the years away."
446
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,033
You know, I'm telling you,
447
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,000
when you got your family,
you've got it all.
448
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,467
Kids...
449
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:08,734
No supper tonight.
Get out.
450
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:11,501
That settles it.
451
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,167
I'm a bachelor for life.
452
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,868
And a virgin.
453
00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:19,868
Dad, if you're smart,
454
00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:21,467
you'll toss the present
like a hand grenade
455
00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:24,267
and sleep
at the bus station like us.
456
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:26,300
Al, it's my birthday.
457
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,667
Where have you been?
458
00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:28,968
Oconomowoc.
459
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,234
Francine's?
460
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:35,767
I don't know.
461
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:37,300
Have you been
a good little girl?
462
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:40,000
Yes, I have. Yes, I have!
463
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,334
Oh, Steve.
464
00:20:42,334 --> 00:20:44,534
I've been bad.
465
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,133
I've been very bad.
466
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:53,334
Well, come on, then.
467
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:59,167
Yeah, that's a healthy marriage.
468
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,501
Guess what I got you.
469
00:21:02,501 --> 00:21:04,267
A senior citizen's
bus pass?
470
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:09,300
[SIGHS]
471
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,434
Oh, Al!
472
00:21:11,434 --> 00:21:14,634
It's my Fancy Figure 327.
473
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:15,934
I can't believe this.
474
00:21:15,934 --> 00:21:17,267
You found it.
475
00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:18,267
I got 10 of them,
476
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:19,567
so as long as they live,
477
00:21:19,567 --> 00:21:22,200
the guys will always have
a roof over their heads.
478
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,267
Oh, Al...
479
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,868
You are the sweetest man
in the whole world.
480
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:27,868
I know.
481
00:21:27,868 --> 00:21:30,501
Oh, honey.
482
00:21:30,501 --> 00:21:31,734
Where did you
get the handcuffs?
483
00:21:31,734 --> 00:21:33,000
Oh...
484
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,601
They were a gift.
485
00:21:35,601 --> 00:21:39,734
Al, you don't think
I'm getting old, do you?
486
00:21:39,734 --> 00:21:41,968
Peg, you look
just the way you did
487
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,100
the day I married you.
488
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:46,167
Only difference is
today I'm not dead drunk.
489
00:21:48,033 --> 00:21:50,667
Oh, Al.
490
00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:51,701
All right, Peg,
491
00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:54,200
we both know
this isn't the end of it.
492
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,367
Let's get to it.
493
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:57,534
Let's go upstairs.
494
00:21:57,534 --> 00:21:58,567
See, you're
never satisfied.
495
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:00,367
Do you know
what I had to go through
496
00:22:00,367 --> 00:22:01,567
to get that present?
497
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,400
I had to drive
to Wisconsin.
498
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,934
I had to reassure Steve
that I find him attractive.
499
00:22:06,934 --> 00:22:09,267
I had to sit
in the store for an hour
500
00:22:09,267 --> 00:22:11,234
and look
at nothing but, uh...
501
00:22:15,601 --> 00:22:17,167
Yeah, let's go upstairs.
502
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:20,801
[LAUGHS]
503
00:22:23,868 --> 00:22:25,033
[GIGGLES]
504
00:22:36,701 --> 00:22:39,901
AL:
Peg, who's the cop
with his pants on backwards?
505
00:22:43,167 --> 00:22:44,100
[***]1
00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:06,567
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:18,801 --> 00:01:20,934
You were great, Al.
3
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:22,501
Leave me alone.
4
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:24,734
Oh, come on, Al.
5
00:01:24,734 --> 00:01:26,100
You know,
I really, really believe
6
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,000
that if you practiced
once in a while,
7
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,901
you could actually
get good at sex.
8
00:01:31,901 --> 00:01:32,901
And, honey,
9
00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:35,734
you don't have to hit
your head.
10
00:01:35,734 --> 00:01:38,801
It's the one part
I enjoy, Peg.
11
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,100
It keeps my mind off
12
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,601
what the rest of my body
is going through.
13
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,334
Yeah, well,
take it from me,
14
00:01:44,334 --> 00:01:46,701
it's not going
through much.
15
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:48,767
Why did I ever agree
to this Tuesday-night sex?
16
00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:51,701
SPORTSCASTER: And that's it
for Monday night football.
17
00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:52,567
[TV SHUTS OFF]
18
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:03,033
It isn't Tuesday, Peg.
19
00:02:03,033 --> 00:02:05,501
You've done a bad thing.
You must be punished.
20
00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:08,300
Oh, Al,
I just wanted it
21
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,400
to be closer
to your shower night.
22
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,267
[GRUMBLING]
23
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,400
Pretty brazen
when you're all satisfied,
24
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,400
aren't you?
25
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,601
Just because I scream
26
00:02:19,601 --> 00:02:22,033
does not mean
I'm satisfied.
27
00:02:22,033 --> 00:02:23,067
I was screaming
28
00:02:23,067 --> 00:02:26,868
because my hair
was caught in your watch.
29
00:02:26,868 --> 00:02:29,467
I didn't wake you,
did I?
30
00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:30,868
You haven't yet.
31
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:31,801
Aw.
32
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:35,901
[DOORBELL RINGS]
33
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:43,467
Oh, I just had sex, Steve,
what do you want?
34
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:44,968
Look, I think
I'm in trouble, Al.
35
00:02:44,968 --> 00:02:46,234
I need help.
36
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,701
See, I was out
walking alone.
37
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:48,968
I couldn't face
being around people,
38
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:50,367
so I came here.
39
00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:54,767
Al, just let me start
at the beginning,
40
00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:56,601
all right?
41
00:02:56,601 --> 00:02:58,167
I went to work today,
42
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:00,033
feeling good,
feeling spry.
43
00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:01,400
The bank was crowded,
44
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,033
so I sent a teller
on a break.
45
00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:05,100
I was on top
of the world.
46
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:06,868
Then I found this
on my desk.
47
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:11,467
"Tuna. Three for $1.49."
48
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:12,467
Well, it happens.
49
00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:15,033
Get on with the rest
of your life, Steve.
50
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:17,534
Turn it over, Al.
51
00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:19,734
"Minoxidil.
Hope for the hairless."
52
00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:20,834
What?
53
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:21,834
You know
what this is?
54
00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:23,234
This is the stuff
they give guys
55
00:03:23,234 --> 00:03:24,234
who are going bald.
56
00:03:24,234 --> 00:03:25,434
What?
Going bald.
57
00:03:25,434 --> 00:03:27,234
Now, why would somebody
give me that to me?
58
00:03:27,234 --> 00:03:28,234
Well, I don't know.
59
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:29,467
Let me see your head.
60
00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:30,567
Ah.
61
00:03:30,567 --> 00:03:32,567
Wait-- Oh, you
see something?
62
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,234
My reflection.
63
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,367
Then it's true.
It's starting.
64
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,367
Well,
that's like saying
65
00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:41,100
Bette Davis
is just starting.
66
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,901
You mean, you saw this
and didn't tell me?
67
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:44,200
I saw it
and didn't care.
68
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,701
You're awfully cavalier
about this, you know.
69
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:47,901
Old Man Time's
70
00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,701
been doing a little mowing
on your head too.
71
00:03:49,701 --> 00:03:50,701
I know.
72
00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:51,734
You know?
73
00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:53,901
You've seen my wife,
my house, my kids.
74
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,767
I'm lucky my hands
haven't fallen off.
75
00:03:58,067 --> 00:03:59,801
How can you accept this?
76
00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,834
If all our hair
falls off,
77
00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:04,000
our wives
won't want us anymore.
78
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,934
Well, there you go!
79
00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:08,434
Look on the bright side.
80
00:04:08,434 --> 00:04:11,300
I happen to love
my wife, Al.
81
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:13,300
Oh, God. What am I
going to tell Marcie?
82
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,300
What if she leaves me?
83
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,501
Who will have me?
84
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:17,734
Have you ever seen
a bald guy flirt?
85
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,033
It's pathetic.
86
00:04:19,033 --> 00:04:20,868
Come on, Steve.
87
00:04:20,868 --> 00:04:22,968
There's plenty
of popular bald guys out there.
88
00:04:22,968 --> 00:04:24,868
Name one.
89
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:26,801
Mussolini.
90
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:28,701
Khrushchev.
91
00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:30,634
Lex Luthor.
92
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:32,701
You forgot
the Elephant Man.
93
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:34,734
The Elephant Man.
94
00:04:34,734 --> 00:04:37,434
Cool guys,
one and all, Al.
95
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:39,734
God, how am I going to
hide this from Marcie?
96
00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:42,067
She's bound to look at
my head sooner or later.
97
00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:44,234
Draw her attention
away from it.
98
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:46,167
Paint a picture
on your bald spot.
99
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:48,033
Learn to throw
your voice.
100
00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:54,300
Sure, joke if you will,
but I love my hair.
101
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:58,334
Al, my mother saved the curls
from my first haircut.
102
00:04:58,334 --> 00:05:01,400
Where are they
now that I need them?
103
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,834
Well, I will tell you this:
104
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:05,834
I'm gonna fight this
with every follicle on my being.
105
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:09,167
If you bend over,
you can signal the troops.
106
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:27,667
A sea breeze.
107
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:31,000
Oh, hello.
108
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,000
I see you're not fat
109
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,367
and don't have
an attitude,
110
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,734
so you can't be
looking for me,
111
00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:37,601
but how can I help you?
112
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:38,767
We just came in
113
00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:41,000
to see if we could
get some change.
114
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,200
So many places
have a rule
115
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,534
that you have to
buy something.
116
00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:46,701
Well, that's
just for the homely.
117
00:05:46,701 --> 00:05:48,100
Say,
118
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,734
didn't you used to play
football for the Bears?
119
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:51,767
Me?
120
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:52,834
Well, uh...
121
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,901
yeah.
122
00:05:54,901 --> 00:05:56,167
I knew it.
123
00:05:56,167 --> 00:05:58,133
You just have
those rugged good looks
124
00:05:58,133 --> 00:05:59,567
of an athlete
in his prime.
125
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,634
Yeah.
126
00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:03,300
It never goes away, does it?
127
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,300
You know, if it wasn't
for this darned bum knee,
128
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,367
I'd still be
on those Wheaties boxes
129
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,601
like you remember me.
130
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:12,400
But let me get you
your change.
131
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,000
Damn this leg!
132
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,300
You've seen that guy
play football?
133
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,734
No, I've just got
a soft spot in my heart
134
00:06:19,734 --> 00:06:21,234
for guys who are
losing their hair.
135
00:06:21,234 --> 00:06:24,300
Would you ever sleep
with a bald guy?
136
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,400
Oh, God, no.
137
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,868
Ahem.
138
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,667
Here you go.
139
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:32,667
Thanks, handsome.
140
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:34,200
Yeah, right.
141
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:48,334
[CLEARS THROAT]
142
00:06:48,334 --> 00:06:50,334
Mecca is that way, Al.
143
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:52,767
Hey, how you doing,
Steve?
144
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:54,200
Well, better
than last night.
145
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,634
I just ran
into two girls
146
00:06:55,634 --> 00:06:58,701
who thought I was
a football player.
147
00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:01,367
Anyhow, I came down
to get some Minoxidil,
148
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:03,234
but you need
a prescription.
149
00:07:03,234 --> 00:07:04,968
All I could get
over the counter
150
00:07:04,968 --> 00:07:06,667
was this stuff,
Dr. Fur.
151
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:09,033
[WATCH BEEPS]
152
00:07:09,033 --> 00:07:13,801
Oh, time to
feed and seed.
153
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,968
Ooh, I can feel it
working.
154
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:17,667
Smells like dog food.
155
00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:20,400
If I thought
it would grow hair,
156
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,367
I'd put your socks on my head.
157
00:07:22,367 --> 00:07:23,801
You want some?
158
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:25,100
No-ho-ho-ho.
159
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:43,968
Get away from me, Peg.
160
00:07:43,968 --> 00:07:46,934
It's not Tuesday.
161
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:50,400
Al, honey, get up.
162
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,167
Something smells.
163
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,167
I think Buck
threw up in the house,
164
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:56,434
but I can't find it.
165
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:57,601
Oh, well,
166
00:07:57,601 --> 00:07:59,234
it'll turn up
or it won't.
167
00:07:59,234 --> 00:08:02,701
I wish you took that attitude
on our sex nights.
168
00:08:02,701 --> 00:08:05,501
Well, I'm gonna go
finish my nap upstairs.
169
00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:07,200
Get away from me.
170
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,200
Leave me alone.
171
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,067
[DOORBELL RINGS]
172
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:15,133
AL: Get off of me!
173
00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:16,133
Oh, hi, Marce.
174
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:17,133
Oh, Peggy.
175
00:08:17,133 --> 00:08:19,634
I'm so worried about Steve.
176
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:21,734
He's acting very strangely.
177
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:23,534
Last night we had sex,
178
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:26,734
and he wore a sombrero.
179
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,434
Ooh, the ribbed kind?
180
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:39,601
On his head, Peggy.
It's a hat.
181
00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:43,734
Oh. Well, you've got to put
your foot down.
182
00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:46,934
If I didn't, Al would still
be wearing the Walkman.
183
00:08:46,934 --> 00:08:50,934
Well, that's not all.
184
00:08:50,934 --> 00:08:53,200
Steve insists
we turn the light off
185
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,467
when we make love.
186
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,434
Well, that was one
of the few rules
187
00:08:56,434 --> 00:08:58,567
Al and I both agreed to.
188
00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:01,367
Peggy, I'm really worried.
189
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:02,701
Usually on Monday nights,
190
00:09:02,701 --> 00:09:04,901
Steve and I go to see
an art film.
191
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:06,200
Instead, he took me
192
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,601
to an Elmer Fudd
retrospective...
193
00:09:09,601 --> 00:09:12,100
and all Steve kept saying was,
194
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:14,434
"Isn't he sexy?"
195
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,667
You think he's having an affair?
196
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:19,734
Oh, don't worry, Marce.
197
00:09:19,734 --> 00:09:21,067
Strange behavior in men
198
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:23,400
doesn't necessarily
mean anything.
199
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,434
The smallest things
upset them.
200
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:26,834
You know,
their favorite team loses,
201
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,434
the car doesn't start,
202
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:31,868
you lose your cigarette
in his pudding...
203
00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:33,601
Well, I'm telling you,
204
00:09:33,601 --> 00:09:35,234
Steve has something
on his mind.
205
00:09:35,234 --> 00:09:37,467
So, what are you
supposed to do about it?
206
00:09:37,467 --> 00:09:38,467
Care?
207
00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:40,467
[LAUGHS]
208
00:09:40,467 --> 00:09:42,167
Come on.
209
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,234
He's got a mother.
210
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:46,701
She broke him,
let her fix him.
211
00:09:46,701 --> 00:09:47,901
We have enough trouble
212
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:49,601
keeping ourselves happy
in a marriage.
213
00:09:49,601 --> 00:09:50,601
Come on.
214
00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:52,100
Let's go shopping
215
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:54,701
and really give them
something to worry about.
216
00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:58,634
Come here.
217
00:09:58,634 --> 00:09:59,701
Bring my Dr. Fur back.
218
00:09:59,701 --> 00:10:02,033
Bring the Dr. Fur back here.
219
00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:03,868
[DOGS BARKING]
220
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:12,133
Damn dogs
followed me home.
221
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,267
Al, I got
some bad news.
222
00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:16,534
Dr. Fur
has been recalled.
223
00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:18,767
They determined it to be
100% dog food.
224
00:10:18,767 --> 00:10:20,767
Aw, Steve!
225
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:23,033
I paid 20 bucks
for that stuff!
226
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,167
So you got taken,
227
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:27,567
butthisstuff
is the real thing.
228
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:28,834
Insta Hair?
229
00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:30,234
You betcha.
230
00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:32,968
You use this slime
twice a day,
231
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:36,300
and in two weeks,
Sasquatch City.
232
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,968
Ah-ah-ah.
Not so fast, Al.
233
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:39,567
This may not work on you.
234
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,701
See, the doctor
I got it from in the bar
235
00:10:41,701 --> 00:10:44,534
wouldn't sell it to me
until he tested me first.
236
00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:45,667
Sit down.
237
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:48,300
Did he happen to grab you
and tell you to cough?
238
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:51,033
Do you wanna know
if you're
239
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,334
an Insta Hair
candidate or not?
240
00:10:52,334 --> 00:10:53,901
Ah, go ahead.
Give me the test.
241
00:10:53,901 --> 00:10:56,334
Are you ready?
Yeah.
242
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:57,567
Okay, here we go.
243
00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:58,801
[SCREAMS]
244
00:10:58,801 --> 00:11:00,467
Good, good.
245
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:01,667
My head burned too.
246
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:02,667
Yeah, good.
247
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:06,000
Just stay there
one second, Steve.
248
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,901
I got a little test for you!
249
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,868
Al, Al!
250
00:11:09,868 --> 00:11:11,400
Don't you see?
251
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,334
Where there's pain,
there's life.
252
00:11:14,334 --> 00:11:18,300
You should know that
better than anyone.
253
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:21,300
Your follicles
are alive.
254
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,868
Bottoms up, Al.
255
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,133
Uh...
256
00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:30,534
Al, you're not
supposed to drink it,
257
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:31,400
it goes on your head.
258
00:11:35,033 --> 00:11:37,567
What the hell did you say
"bottoms up" for?
259
00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:40,067
Don't worry!
260
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,100
Ah...
261
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,133
Don't worry.
262
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:45,868
Let me check
something here.
263
00:11:45,868 --> 00:11:47,200
Can you still see me?
264
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,367
Yeah.
265
00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:53,868
Then you're one
of the 5 percent.
266
00:11:53,868 --> 00:11:55,567
Splash some
on your head.
267
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:02,234
[BOTH MOANING]
268
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,100
I'm gonna
part mine, Steve.
269
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:11,000
What are you
gonna do with yours?
270
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,200
I'm gonna
grow mine wild
271
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,667
like a lion's mane.
[LAUGHS]
272
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,434
You know,
if we don't grow hair,
273
00:12:16,434 --> 00:12:18,167
I'm gonna kill you.
274
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:19,968
If we don't grow hair,
you won't have to.
275
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:21,300
I'll kill myself.
276
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:37,901
Hey, guys.
277
00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:39,067
What you doing?
278
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:41,467
We're growing hair, Bud.
279
00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:44,701
They're
growing hair, Kel.
280
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:46,033
Why? They're old.
281
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:49,200
Who looks
at 'em anyway?
282
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,234
Yeah, Dad.
283
00:12:50,234 --> 00:12:51,501
I mean, look around you.
284
00:12:51,501 --> 00:12:54,133
If hair got you all this,
let it go.
285
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,534
Let them laugh, Al.
286
00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:56,701
In 10 years,
287
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,767
his head will be
as barren as your lawn.
288
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:01,267
What do you mean?
289
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:03,100
Well, Bud,
hair's hereditary.
290
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,868
So is hair-loss.
291
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,434
So you mean,
292
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:07,834
by the time
his skin clears up,
293
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,834
his hair will be
falling out?
294
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:15,934
Oh, Bud, my poor sexless,
hairless brother.
295
00:13:15,934 --> 00:13:18,868
I am so happy for you.
296
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:20,434
Dad!
297
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:23,534
What did you have me for,
a biological experiment?
298
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:25,968
I mean, I was just getting
used to being poor,
299
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:27,534
and now this.
300
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:28,634
Now, easy, Bud.
301
00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:31,267
Stress causes baldness.
302
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:32,267
Relax.
303
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:33,767
Who cares if you're bald?
304
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:37,467
You can always make money
selling flowers at airports.
305
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:39,801
I'll lend you one of my dresses.
306
00:13:39,801 --> 00:13:42,100
Yeah, give me the one that says,
307
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:45,167
"Put 'em here, boys."
308
00:13:46,801 --> 00:13:49,200
You know, it's gonna be
so much fun at school tomorrow
309
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,601
with all the kids
running around, chanting,
310
00:13:50,601 --> 00:13:53,000
"Bud, Bud, head like a spud."
311
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,901
Dad, what am I gonna do?
312
00:13:57,901 --> 00:14:00,334
I mean, am I gonna lose
just a little like you,
313
00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:02,634
or am I gonna be like
Mr. Rhoades?
314
00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:09,300
Bud, sit down.
315
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,267
I hope that when
you become a man,
316
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,834
hair won't be
important...
317
00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,434
that a man
won't be judged
318
00:14:14,434 --> 00:14:16,167
by what he looks like
on the outside,
319
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:18,734
but who he is
on the inside.
320
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,267
But that's not
gonna happen,
321
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:21,934
so here you go.
322
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:36,734
Oh, hi, Kelly.
323
00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:38,167
Sorry I didn't
make you breakfast.
324
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,067
I was busy
prying off the pillow
325
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,767
that was stuck
to Daddy's head.
326
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,634
He's not growing
any hair, is he?
327
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:49,400
No, but a few hundred
came off with the pillow.
328
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,133
You know, it's amazing.
329
00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:53,734
I mean, I saw pictures of Dad
when he was young.
330
00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:56,634
He stood upright. He had hair.
331
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,901
Now look at him.
332
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:00,100
How's a woman to know?
333
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,667
You can't, honey.
334
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:05,100
Basically, it's a crap shoot.
335
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,801
AL: Peg,
336
00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:08,534
did you throw out
those hairs I had
337
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,167
sitting on the counter?
338
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:18,367
Sometimes,
you come up craps.
339
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:20,667
Um, Bud.
340
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:22,601
Sit down. I want
to talk to you.
341
00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:23,834
Look, Kel.
342
00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:25,634
I don't think
we have much to talk about.
343
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,901
I mean, after you painted
my face on Dad's bowling ball
344
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:30,601
and left it outside my door.
345
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:33,934
I was cruel,
and I want to apologize.
346
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:37,300
See, you're
not losing your hair.
347
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,334
Look.
348
00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:41,467
Uh...oops.
349
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:45,934
Dad!
350
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:49,000
It's starting!
351
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,200
Mom, you don't mind
352
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,767
that I'm playing with Bud,
do you?
353
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:55,767
No.
354
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:58,868
That's why we had him.
355
00:16:00,934 --> 00:16:02,133
Come on.
356
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,133
We'll talk about it
on the way to the store.
357
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:06,400
I have to pick up
some more Dr. Fur for Buck.
358
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,334
It's the only thing he'll eat.
359
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:12,334
His coat looks nice too.
360
00:16:17,234 --> 00:16:19,067
Oh, hi, Steve.
361
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:20,334
Ladies.
362
00:16:20,334 --> 00:16:21,834
Is Al home?
363
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:24,067
Yeah. He's upstairs.
364
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,334
Gee, you look good
in a hat, Steve.
365
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:28,067
[BOTH LAUGHING]
366
00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:31,334
Oh, hey, Steve.
367
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,300
Stupid hat.
368
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,901
Let me see your head.
369
00:16:35,901 --> 00:16:37,334
It's a graveyard.
370
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:38,334
Me?
371
00:16:38,334 --> 00:16:40,534
A ghost town.
372
00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:43,300
We have to face it, Steve.
This stuff isn't working.
373
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:46,100
Tastes good, but doesn't work,
374
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,901
and we have to learn
to live with it.
375
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:49,467
These are our heads.
376
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,834
Al, I can't bear
this burden alone.
377
00:16:51,834 --> 00:16:53,300
Listen.
378
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:55,801
I've heard there's help
available for guys like us,
379
00:16:55,801 --> 00:16:57,767
but I need to borrow
your shoe store.
380
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,133
For what?
381
00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:07,601
Hi.
382
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:10,200
I'm Murray, and I'm bald.
383
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,434
ALL: Hi, Murray.
384
00:17:11,434 --> 00:17:12,434
Hi, guys.
385
00:17:12,434 --> 00:17:14,334
We will now
bring this meeting
386
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,467
of Bald American Dudes
to order.
387
00:17:17,467 --> 00:17:19,901
Can we please bring in
our newest brothers,
388
00:17:19,901 --> 00:17:21,567
brother Al
and brother Steve.
389
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:31,267
I don't like this.
390
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:32,601
It's like the day I got married.
391
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:38,868
ALL: Hi, Steve. Hi, Al.
392
00:17:40,868 --> 00:17:44,767
Can I please have
my blindfold back?
393
00:17:44,767 --> 00:17:45,801
Right now,
I'd like
394
00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:47,868
to turn the meeting over
to brother Lance.
395
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,300
[APPLAUSE]
396
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,567
Hi. I'm Lance.
397
00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:55,267
And I'm bald.
398
00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:57,501
No kidding.
399
00:17:57,501 --> 00:17:59,067
I'd like to open
this week's meeting
400
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:00,868
on a sad note.
401
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:04,834
Brother Herbert went to Hawaii
and forgot to pack his hat.
402
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,734
A hairy child
put a reflector by his head
403
00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:09,400
as he dozed,
404
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:13,534
and, well, it'll be a long time
before he does his famous
405
00:18:13,534 --> 00:18:16,534
"head in the bowling ball
cleaner" routine again.
406
00:18:16,534 --> 00:18:20,100
[LAUGHING]
407
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,501
So I'd like to bring up a motion
that we send him
408
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,567
the traditional arrangement
of balloons with ears
409
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:27,300
so he'll think of us.
410
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:28,300
All in favor?
411
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,801
ALL: Bald.
412
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:30,801
Opposed?
413
00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:33,267
Hair.
414
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:35,100
Motion carries,
415
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,367
Which brings me to
our thought for tonight:
416
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,033
Hair.
417
00:18:39,033 --> 00:18:41,334
How can we stop it?
418
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:45,000
Now, I admit that, at one time,
man might have needed hair,
419
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,701
like in prehistoric times
420
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:50,067
when very large birds
flew overhead
421
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,400
and hats hadn't been invented,
422
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,234
but times have changed.
423
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,634
The point is
the bald are more evolved,
424
00:18:56,634 --> 00:18:59,834
more intelligent
and more sophisticated.
425
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:02,934
So the next time
a hairy child comes up and says,
426
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,734
"Hey, let me rub your head
for luck,"
427
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:05,934
you just tell that child,
428
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:08,801
"That's not what
your mother rubbed."
429
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:15,000
So...let's share.
430
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,434
Who among us shall be first?
431
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:19,434
Brother Steve.
432
00:19:21,434 --> 00:19:22,634
I'm Steve,
433
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:25,701
and I've been concealing
my problem--
434
00:19:25,701 --> 00:19:26,701
ALL: Say it.
435
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:27,834
Say it. Say it.
436
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,734
[WHIMPERS]
My baldness...
437
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,634
from my wife.
438
00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:34,167
I was ashamed...
439
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,367
[SOBBING]
440
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:42,734
But you have given me
the strength
441
00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:44,467
to be proud of my hairline,
442
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:47,467
no matter where it may wander
across my head.
443
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:51,300
You're the greatest.
I love you guys.
444
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:54,100
[APPLAUSE]
445
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,868
Good, brother Steve.
446
00:19:55,868 --> 00:19:57,667
Tell her so she can realize,
447
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,334
like thousands
of other women have,
448
00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:01,033
that bald men are sexier,
449
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,501
more virile,
450
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:04,834
and aerodynamic.
451
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:05,834
Let's face it.
452
00:20:05,834 --> 00:20:07,667
It doesn't get better than bald.
453
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:09,267
Remember...
454
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,968
a bald head says, "good in bed."
455
00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:13,834
[ALL HOOTING]
456
00:20:15,868 --> 00:20:18,367
All right. All right.
457
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:19,834
Brother Al.
458
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:22,033
Have you been moved to share?
459
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:27,567
Uh, sure, I'll share.
460
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:32,501
Let me share
this little tidbit with you.
461
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:35,634
You guys are nuts.
462
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:39,100
"Attractive, virile, sexy...
463
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:40,400
Women want you."
464
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,467
For what,
to check their makeup?
465
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:50,167
But you human flashlights
have really helped me.
466
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,868
When I came here tonight,
I thought I was bald,
467
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:55,634
but looking at you guys,
I've realized two things.
468
00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:58,667
One, I really miss
shooting pool...
469
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:04,868
And two, I'm not bald.
470
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,400
Steve's not bald.
471
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,868
You guys are bald.
472
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,701
Really bald.
473
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:14,868
100-watt, soft-white bald.
474
00:21:14,868 --> 00:21:17,767
Let me say one more thing.
475
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:19,667
If and when
I ever do lose my hair,
476
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:21,400
I still won't be sitting here
with you,
477
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,734
because I have something at home
478
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:25,701
that doesn't care
what I look like,
479
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,767
accepts me for what I am,
480
00:21:27,767 --> 00:21:30,601
and is always there
when I need it...
481
00:21:30,601 --> 00:21:32,634
my couch.
482
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,367
[SIGHS]
483
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,267
Steve?
484
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:44,868
Al told me
I'd find you here.
485
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,734
What's wrong?
486
00:21:47,734 --> 00:21:49,634
I was
just sitting here...
487
00:21:49,634 --> 00:21:50,634
trying to decide
488
00:21:50,634 --> 00:21:52,834
how to tell you
something terrible.
489
00:21:52,834 --> 00:21:54,434
What is it, Steve?
490
00:21:54,434 --> 00:21:56,734
I'm going bald.
491
00:21:56,734 --> 00:21:59,267
And?
492
00:22:01,133 --> 00:22:02,834
That's it. That's the news.
493
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:04,734
Honey,
494
00:22:04,734 --> 00:22:06,501
I've known that
since the day
495
00:22:06,501 --> 00:22:09,300
you got down
on your knees to propose.
496
00:22:11,534 --> 00:22:13,267
Then you still think
I'm attractive?
497
00:22:13,267 --> 00:22:15,501
Oh, Steve.
498
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:17,033
Of course I do.
499
00:22:17,033 --> 00:22:18,567
Anybody would.
500
00:22:18,567 --> 00:22:19,601
Well, somebody doesn't.
501
00:22:19,601 --> 00:22:21,200
Look what somebody put
on my desk.
502
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,934
I put that there.
503
00:22:22,934 --> 00:22:24,167
Why?
504
00:22:24,167 --> 00:22:25,567
Because it was
your turn to shop,
505
00:22:25,567 --> 00:22:27,300
and tuna,
"three for $1.49,"
506
00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:29,133
is a great deal.
507
00:22:44,234 --> 00:22:46,133
[***]1
00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:07,567
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:17,267 --> 00:01:20,100
Steve and Marcie throw
a nice party, don't they?
3
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:23,501
Well, it would have been nicer
if we were actually invited.
4
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:24,701
You know, Peg,
5
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,100
I didn't like
those people very much,
6
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,734
a bunch
of boring bankers.
7
00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,334
They just kept
staring at me.
8
00:01:29,334 --> 00:01:31,234
Well, you did overflow
the toilet
9
00:01:31,234 --> 00:01:33,267
and not tell anyone.
10
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:36,534
Well, I don't tell anyone
when I do it here,
11
00:01:36,534 --> 00:01:38,033
but you gotta give me credit.
12
00:01:38,033 --> 00:01:39,701
I did try to liven things up.
13
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:41,868
Well, you know, I don't think
a bankers' party
14
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:44,367
is the right place to stand
on the buffet and yell,
15
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:46,701
"Hey, let's wet down
the wives' T-shirts
16
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:48,501
and rate their hooters!"
17
00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:51,601
You'd have won.
18
00:01:51,601 --> 00:01:53,067
Oh, Al.
19
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:56,534
Eh, but for once,
I gotta agree with Steve.
20
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:57,868
This is the last party
21
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,501
I'm ever going to
at their house.
22
00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:01,934
At least we get to
take home the leftovers.
23
00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:05,701
Excuse me, Al,
but the party just started.
24
00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:06,767
I'll need the food back.
25
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:12,167
Oh, sure, Marce.
26
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:13,534
[SNEEZES]
27
00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:23,400
Oh, well...
28
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,701
that's okay.
29
00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:28,000
I suppose you need it
more than I do.
30
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,367
[SNEEZES]
31
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:36,400
I'll just find
some gingersnaps.
32
00:02:38,834 --> 00:02:39,868
Well, Dad,
33
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,200
we got the gas
like you told us to.
34
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,300
Don't worry.
35
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,100
I don't think
anyone at the party saw us.
36
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,701
They were too busy
watching Buck mount
37
00:02:46,701 --> 00:02:49,801
Mrs. Vandergelder's
fur coat.
38
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:51,000
Can you believe
that all this
39
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,767
came from
one Rolls-Royce?
40
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:58,300
Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades.
41
00:02:58,300 --> 00:02:59,701
Guess what.
42
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:02,067
One of your guests' cars
sprung a leak,
43
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,734
and young Bud and I
44
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:06,133
thought that it was
a fire hazard.
45
00:03:06,133 --> 00:03:07,234
So luckily,
46
00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:08,801
we happened along
with these gas cans
47
00:03:08,801 --> 00:03:12,167
and once again
saved the day.
48
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:13,167
Damn vandals.
49
00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:15,234
I think they keyed
the cars too.
50
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:29,067
Mom, why can Buck have
the coat upstairs,
51
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:32,100
and I can't have
boys in my room?
52
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,734
Because that coat
can't get pregnant.
53
00:03:35,734 --> 00:03:37,567
Obviously,
neither can Kelly.
54
00:03:40,868 --> 00:03:44,033
That was my boss's Rolls.
55
00:03:44,033 --> 00:03:46,234
Give me that gas,
you little pirates!
56
00:03:46,234 --> 00:03:48,634
Peggy, please,
57
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:51,133
talk to them!
58
00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:52,734
Kids, you know the speech.
59
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:53,734
You did a bad thing.
60
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,734
Don't do it anymore.
61
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:55,901
Okay? Fine.
62
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,067
Kel, this is it,
63
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,467
the last time
I'm working for Dad.
64
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:03,667
From now on, I go solo.
65
00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:05,667
Much like
at Lovers' Lane?
66
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:10,534
You know, our kids
are growing up so fast.
67
00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:13,200
It seems like only yesterday
they were only stealing from us.
68
00:04:14,934 --> 00:04:18,534
Al, your dog went on my carpet.
69
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:20,067
Well, in a manner
of speaking,
70
00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:21,601
so did Al.
71
00:04:23,267 --> 00:04:24,300
Well, you know,
72
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:25,667
since we're all
throwing stones here,
73
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,701
we were really hurt
not to be invited.
74
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,367
It was just
an oversight.
75
00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:32,167
No hard feelings,
I hope.
76
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:33,534
Let's go, Marcie.
77
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,968
I want to get my fortune read
by the psychic we hired.
78
00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:38,901
I hope
I'm not intruding.
79
00:04:38,901 --> 00:04:40,234
She is incredible.
80
00:04:40,234 --> 00:04:42,033
Did you sense
our presence here?
81
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:43,667
No, I sensed you were
leaving the party
82
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:45,901
without paying me.
83
00:04:45,901 --> 00:04:47,534
Oh, no, Madame Olga,
of course not,
84
00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:48,968
but as long as you're here,
85
00:04:48,968 --> 00:04:50,968
I haven't had a chance
to get my fortune read.
86
00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:51,968
Steve, please,
87
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:53,367
I really think
we should do this
88
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:54,367
back at our house.
89
00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:55,434
No.
90
00:04:55,434 --> 00:04:57,367
Please...
91
00:04:57,367 --> 00:04:59,634
Sit down.
92
00:04:59,634 --> 00:05:03,534
I feel
very strong vibrations here.
93
00:05:03,534 --> 00:05:04,968
Did you leave
your toy running
94
00:05:04,968 --> 00:05:06,501
under the couch again?
95
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:14,133
No.
96
00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:15,701
It's in the shop.
97
00:05:15,701 --> 00:05:17,267
It's being
turbo-charged.
98
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:26,167
Ah, I see a death.
99
00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:27,601
Oh, no.
100
00:05:27,601 --> 00:05:30,067
But it will bring you
your life's wish.
101
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,167
All right!
102
00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:33,100
Honey, you have to do this.
103
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,234
Uh, no, I don't, Steve.
104
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:36,400
With all due respect,
105
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,601
I don't really believe
in superstition.
106
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:40,667
It's a refuge for small minds.
107
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,367
I'll go! I'll go!
108
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:44,734
Do you a sense
a death for me
109
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:46,701
that will bring me
my life's wish?
110
00:05:48,701 --> 00:05:50,100
Let me see.
111
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,300
Ah!
112
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:56,667
An unexpected windfall
will come your way.
113
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,634
No death?
114
00:05:59,634 --> 00:06:01,534
Leave me.
115
00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:03,367
Alrighty.
116
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:04,367
Go next, Al.
117
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:05,834
This is fun.
118
00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:17,167
Feet.
119
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,100
Is that
in the cards?
120
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:22,834
No, I smell your feet.
121
00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:28,868
Well, I smell cheap Scotch
on your breath. Just...
122
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:32,834
read me my fortune.
123
00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:35,000
What else
do you sense?
124
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,400
Unfortunately,
125
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,701
I see good fortune
for you,
126
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:40,868
something linked
to the color green.
127
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,300
Huh?
128
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,100
What do I have that's green?
129
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:45,934
Your teeth?
130
00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:50,767
Can't I have a death
like Steve?
131
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:52,367
No, that's all I see.
132
00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:53,367
Come on, Marcie.
133
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:54,367
Your turn.
134
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:55,801
No. I really shouldn't.
135
00:06:55,801 --> 00:06:58,400
Oh, go on, Marcie.
It's fun.
136
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,801
Good things are
happening for everyone.
137
00:07:00,801 --> 00:07:02,734
Okay.
138
00:07:02,734 --> 00:07:04,634
But I don't know
what good it will do.
139
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:07,400
I've already met
my tall, dark stranger.
140
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:12,501
What do you
see for me?
141
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,634
I see nothing,
Mrs. Rhoades.
142
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:21,033
Hey, who's the guy
on the card
143
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:21,901
with the noose?
144
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,300
No one, really.
145
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,934
Could you pay me now?
146
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:30,834
What? What is it?
147
00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:32,100
I have to know.
148
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,767
It's good, isn't it?
149
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,200
Everyone else's is good.
150
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,434
Well, you could
interpret it as good.
151
00:07:38,434 --> 00:07:41,601
Misfortune, betrayal,
disaster, tragedy,
152
00:07:41,601 --> 00:07:44,701
but those words
could mean anything.
153
00:07:44,701 --> 00:07:45,868
Oh.
154
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:48,968
Well, like I said,
155
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,934
I don't really believe
in this stuff.
156
00:07:50,934 --> 00:07:52,367
Thanks, Steve.
157
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:53,667
This is fun.
158
00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:57,067
I'm going to die.
159
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:58,934
But you three
will have good luck.
160
00:07:58,934 --> 00:07:59,934
You know, it's funny.
161
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:01,434
I wanted to hire a caricaturist,
162
00:08:01,434 --> 00:08:04,467
but Steve thought
that might upset people.
163
00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:05,734
You were so right.
164
00:08:05,734 --> 00:08:06,901
This is much better.
165
00:08:06,901 --> 00:08:08,634
Let's party.
166
00:08:08,634 --> 00:08:10,434
Oh, honey, come on.
167
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:13,033
She's a con artist, a fake,
a charlatan.
168
00:08:13,033 --> 00:08:15,100
So good things are going to
happen for me, right?
169
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,033
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
170
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:20,067
[DOORBELL RINGS]
171
00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:23,033
Hi, Marce.
172
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:24,033
Hi, Peggy.
173
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:26,634
Look,
I'm still alive.
174
00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:28,601
I told you
that fortune teller didn't know
175
00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:30,033
what she was talking about.
176
00:08:30,033 --> 00:08:32,267
I've already forgotten
what she said to me.
177
00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:36,167
You know, "misfortune,
betrayal, disaster, tragedy."
178
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,300
Anything good happen to you?
179
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:40,667
Hey!
180
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,334
Thank God.
181
00:08:42,334 --> 00:08:43,667
[DOORBELL RINGS]
182
00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:47,067
See, you can't take
these fortune tellers seriously.
183
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:48,501
They just make up stuff.
184
00:08:48,501 --> 00:08:50,501
Mrs. Bundy?
Yes.
185
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:53,701
I found your husband's wallet
in the parking lot at the mall.
186
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,033
Oh, it's all there, ma'am,
I didn't take anything.
187
00:08:56,033 --> 00:08:59,467
Oh, you know,
he will be so happy to hear
188
00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:01,133
that there are
still some honest people
189
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:02,033
left in the world.
190
00:09:04,701 --> 00:09:06,067
Thank you.
191
00:09:07,534 --> 00:09:08,868
Excuse me,
192
00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:11,400
but I came all the way
over here on my own time.
193
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,567
Oh.
194
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:15,033
I'm sorry.
195
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:20,634
Ah!
196
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,267
Can you believe it, Marcie?
197
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:25,033
A windfall,
just like the gypsy said.
198
00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:27,334
I'm so happy for you.
199
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,033
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Marcie.
200
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:31,634
Nothing bad ever happens to you.
201
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:33,868
You're the luckiest person
I know.
202
00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:42,033
Uh, Peggy, do you have a cat?
203
00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:43,234
No. Why?
204
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,300
Oh, just wondering.
205
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:47,400
Peg!
206
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,901
Guess what happened?
207
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:51,033
You remember that fortune teller
said green?
208
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:53,701
Well, I saw this horse,
Gangrene,
209
00:09:53,701 --> 00:09:55,133
running in the third race today.
210
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:58,200
He went off at 20 to 1,
and I won $200.
211
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,834
That fortune teller really knew
what she was talking about.
212
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,000
I'm going to die.
213
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,067
[DOORBELL RINGS]
214
00:10:04,067 --> 00:10:07,400
Oh, Marcie,
I'm sure she was wrong.
215
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,868
Steve was the only one
she went into detail with,
216
00:10:09,868 --> 00:10:12,167
and nobody has died yet.
217
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:15,067
Guess who
just kicked the bucket.
218
00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:17,868
Only the man with the best
parking space at the bank.
219
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,634
Meet the new man with the best
parking space at the bank.
220
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:23,267
He always said I'd get
that space over his dead body.
221
00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:25,033
[CACKLES]
222
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:27,000
See you at the funeral, Simpson!
223
00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:30,267
Boy, that gypsy
sure knew
224
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,267
what she was
talking about.
225
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:32,267
She sure did.
226
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:33,634
I won $200 on a horse.
227
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:34,701
Yeah, and I--
228
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,367
I got...
229
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:40,567
I got the best guy
in the whole world.
230
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,501
So we're all winners!
231
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:48,767
Why is everyone looking at me?
232
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:52,200
Because you're up next.
233
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,701
Smooth, Al.
234
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:57,200
Don't you think she knows
disaster is gonna happen to her?
235
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,934
Yeah, maybe it's not even safe
to have her in our house.
236
00:11:01,701 --> 00:11:02,801
Oh, no.
237
00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:04,534
I'm not taking her
to my house.
238
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,367
I don't even want her
around my parking space.
239
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:11,767
[MEN LAUGH]
240
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:14,868
Well, aren't we
the merry widower?
241
00:11:14,868 --> 00:11:19,033
Oh, buck up,
cupcake.
242
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,467
Daddy has a piece
of good news
243
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:21,467
he's been saving
244
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:22,767
until you were
at your lowest.
245
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:26,167
Well, just how low would you
like me to get, Steve?
246
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:27,701
Shaking, vomiting.
247
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:31,133
Perhaps if an eye dropped out.
248
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:32,601
Give me the news!
249
00:11:32,601 --> 00:11:34,868
Your boss,
Mr. Vandergelder, called,
250
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,734
and of all the employees
at your bank,
251
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:38,133
he wants you to accompany him
252
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:39,434
when he makes his keynote speech
253
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:41,067
at the Women in Banking
Convention.
254
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:44,601
Really? Me?
255
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:47,334
I'm so honored.
256
00:11:47,334 --> 00:11:48,367
Ha!
257
00:11:48,367 --> 00:11:50,767
I spit
in Madame Olga's eye.
258
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:51,801
[SPITS]
259
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:54,100
Stupid gypsy.
260
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:58,667
I'm glad I stopped payment
on her check.
261
00:11:58,667 --> 00:11:59,667
Let her rot in hell,
262
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:01,667
because I'm going to the top.
263
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:02,734
Where and when, Steve?
264
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,667
Tomorrow night, 7:30,
New York City.
265
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:06,334
I love New York City.
266
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:09,467
If I can make it there,
I can make it anywhere.
267
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,567
How am I going to make it there,
Steve?
268
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:13,567
On a plane,
you're flying.
269
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:17,234
So that's how
you're gonna die.
270
00:12:21,667 --> 00:12:24,133
I'm not going to New York,
Steve.
271
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:25,133
Well, honey,
272
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:26,634
it's good
for your career.
273
00:12:26,634 --> 00:12:28,601
No, Steve,
274
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:30,601
spiraling down to earth
in a fiery hell
275
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:34,100
is not really good
for my career.
276
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,467
I know what's going to happen.
277
00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:39,167
The plane will crash
in the ocean.
278
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,133
Then we'll all scamper
for lifeboats.
279
00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:45,334
I'm little.
280
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:47,033
The big girls
will push me aside,
281
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,834
like they did in school
during fire drills.
282
00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:52,167
I remember those drills.
283
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,234
Orderly exit, my ass!
284
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,367
They trampled me
285
00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:01,601
like peanut shells
on the floor of a cheap bar!
286
00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:03,534
Uh, Marcie,
287
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:04,734
you can't refuse
your boss.
288
00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:06,534
I hate my boss.
289
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:09,934
Mr. Vanderdoody...
290
00:13:09,934 --> 00:13:13,667
of the Daughters of the American
Revolution Vanderdoodys.
291
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,501
Oh, to hell with my career.
292
00:13:15,501 --> 00:13:18,367
Steve, let me talk
some sense into her.
293
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:24,834
Marcie, you're worried
over nothing.
294
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:27,200
There's no ocean
between here and New York.
295
00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:30,067
Worse thing
that could happen,
296
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,868
you'd hit a mountain
and disintegrate.
297
00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:35,934
Oh, honey, all that wisdom,
298
00:13:35,934 --> 00:13:38,534
and yet we live
amongst the common people.
299
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,000
Marcie,
300
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,901
you're acting
like a baby.
301
00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:46,067
Millions of people
fly every day.
302
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,701
Be strong...
303
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,767
and buy insurance.
304
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:52,901
Insurance?
305
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:55,400
Yes. As a matter of fact,
306
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,367
I'll take insurance with me.
307
00:13:57,367 --> 00:14:00,734
Uh, won't it burn in the wreck,
sweetie?
308
00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:04,267
I don't mean that kind
of insurance, vulture.
309
00:14:04,267 --> 00:14:06,767
I'm taking you with me.
310
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:09,701
All of you.
311
00:14:09,701 --> 00:14:11,334
You're having
good luck.
312
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,334
Nothing can happen
to you,
313
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:15,167
so we'll all fly
to New York together.
314
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,634
We'll pay.
315
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:18,033
Oh, Al!
316
00:14:18,033 --> 00:14:19,968
We're going to New York.
317
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,567
Free!
318
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:22,834
Well, I guess
319
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:24,033
if it'll make you
feel safer,
320
00:14:24,033 --> 00:14:25,667
we can afford
four coach tickets.
321
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:29,033
Excuse me, here,
Steve.
322
00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:31,534
Bundys don't fly coach.
323
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:38,801
No, we fly first class,
or we don't fly.
324
00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:41,033
Done.
325
00:14:41,033 --> 00:14:42,634
First class!
326
00:14:42,634 --> 00:14:44,100
I thought
I'd have to wait
327
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:47,701
for my second husband
to fly first class.
328
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:56,033
[SIGHS]
329
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:57,033
Miss Rhoades.
330
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,634
Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.
331
00:14:58,634 --> 00:15:00,501
Once we're in the air,
I'll want coffee.
332
00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:02,234
They have flight attendants
for that.
333
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:05,367
I like it
when you get me coffee...
334
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:07,467
Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.
335
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:09,701
And, Miss Rhoades,
336
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,534
I just finished reading
my speech that you wrote.
337
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:13,901
I don't like it.
338
00:15:13,901 --> 00:15:15,133
Would you please redo it
339
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:17,200
and make more references to me
340
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,634
and to my tremendous commitment
to the women's movement.
341
00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:24,801
Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.
342
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:28,501
God, I hate him.
343
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:29,501
I'd like to punch him
344
00:15:29,501 --> 00:15:31,868
right in the middle
of his fat face.
345
00:15:31,868 --> 00:15:33,467
Miss Rhoades.
346
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:34,467
Yes, sir?
347
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,767
Once we're in New York,
348
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,901
would you pick up a little gift
for my wife?
349
00:15:38,901 --> 00:15:41,033
Yes, perhaps a picture
350
00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:43,534
of you and your...
old army buddy.
351
00:15:45,367 --> 00:15:46,968
How you doing
over there, Fluffy?
352
00:15:46,968 --> 00:15:49,300
How am I doing what?
353
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:55,267
* Start spreading
The news **
354
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:56,968
Now, what do you
think, Peg?
355
00:15:56,968 --> 00:15:58,767
Could we live
in that VIP lounge
356
00:15:58,767 --> 00:15:59,767
or what?
357
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:00,968
Well, probably not.
358
00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:01,968
They threw us out
359
00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:05,100
after you overflowed
the toilet.
360
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:06,834
Aw, Peg,
you gotta see this.
361
00:16:06,834 --> 00:16:08,701
Look at those poor slobs
back in coach,
362
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,667
sitting like cattle.
363
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:11,667
Moo!
364
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,033
Oh...
365
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:15,033
Al, that's not nice.
366
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:19,501
Boy, the seats are big
up here in first class!
367
00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:23,567
Hey, Marce.
368
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,167
Hey, check out
the old guy
369
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:26,334
sitting next
to his granddaughter
370
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:27,734
over there.
371
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:29,400
[INAUDIBLE]
372
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,501
Aw, Peg, come on.
373
00:16:30,501 --> 00:16:31,834
She's probably just
374
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:34,133
his personal
flotation device.
375
00:16:38,234 --> 00:16:39,234
Ah...mmm.
376
00:16:39,234 --> 00:16:40,267
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
377
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,400
Excuse me, sir.
378
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,200
Please buckle
your seat belt.
379
00:16:46,334 --> 00:16:47,667
Excuse me.
380
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:49,501
Is the pilot
any good?
381
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:51,434
Oh, he's fantastic.
382
00:16:51,434 --> 00:16:55,767
His hands are gentle
but, oh, so rough.
383
00:16:59,968 --> 00:17:01,801
I meant,
can he fly the plane?
384
00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:04,367
How would I know?
385
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,501
CAPTAIN:
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
386
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:09,834
This is your captain,
John Canyon.
387
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,033
That's it?
388
00:17:16,033 --> 00:17:18,067
No "Have a pleasant flight?"
389
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,567
No "We won't crash?"
390
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:21,834
No "Marcie Rhoades
is not going to die"?
391
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:25,434
Marce, you're
a little loud over there.
392
00:17:25,434 --> 00:17:27,033
Now, listen,
you're flying first class.
393
00:17:27,033 --> 00:17:28,234
Let's act like
you've done this
394
00:17:28,234 --> 00:17:29,367
a couple of times
before.
395
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:31,434
Hey, waitress!
396
00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:33,334
Sir, we have
397
00:17:33,334 --> 00:17:35,334
some complimentary
in-flight slippers.
398
00:17:35,334 --> 00:17:37,567
If you'd care to take
off your shoes and relax.
399
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:38,968
[LAUGHING]
400
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:50,434
Mmm.
401
00:17:50,434 --> 00:17:51,834
Hey, stewardess.
402
00:17:51,834 --> 00:17:53,467
Another round
for everybody.
403
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:56,701
I mean, it's free
up here, isn't it?
404
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:01,667
Mmm.
405
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,567
Ah. Feeling better,
honey?
406
00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:09,968
Fine, fine.
407
00:18:09,968 --> 00:18:12,434
Not dead or anything.
408
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:14,234
I told you
that gypsy fortune teller
409
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,567
was just a bunch
of hooey.
410
00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:18,000
This is your captain speaking.
411
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,634
We're starting
our initial descent over--
412
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:22,334
Whoa! Frank,
turn off the intercom.
413
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:23,734
We're going down.
414
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:24,934
What are we going to do?
415
00:18:24,934 --> 00:18:26,133
You know I stink at landings.
416
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:27,434
You took the test for me.
417
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:29,434
Give me some gin
and turn the intercom back on.
418
00:18:29,434 --> 00:18:32,434
I'll just lie
to the passengers.
419
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:35,300
We're encountering
a little mild turbulence.
420
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:36,767
So for your safety,
421
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,501
fasten seat belts, extinguish
all cigarettes and--
422
00:18:38,501 --> 00:18:41,200
Ah, what the hell,
light up.
423
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:46,033
Peggy, this is it!
424
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,300
We're going down!
425
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:55,934
* Hey, hey, Paula
I wanna marry you *
426
00:18:55,934 --> 00:19:01,434
* Hey, hey, Paul
I wanna marry you too *
427
00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,133
Steve,
428
00:19:03,133 --> 00:19:05,000
I just want you
to know
429
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,534
I love you.
430
00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:08,968
And if only one of us
has to go,
431
00:19:08,968 --> 00:19:10,801
I hope it's me.
432
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,434
Don't you feel
the same way?
433
00:19:17,434 --> 00:19:20,834
If that's what you want,
I hope it's you too.
434
00:19:22,868 --> 00:19:25,100
Miss Rhoades...
435
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,267
this speech
is still unacceptable.
436
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,200
Do it over before we land.
437
00:19:30,567 --> 00:19:32,400
Can you believe
this guy?
438
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,801
Miss Rhoades,
get me a pillow.
439
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:36,567
I'm going to die
in a blazing furnace,
440
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,901
and he wants a pillow.
441
00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:41,834
You fat pig!
442
00:19:44,801 --> 00:19:47,534
I work my fingers
to the bone for you.
443
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:48,767
I'm a bank manager,
damn it,
444
00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,067
not your handmaiden,
445
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,400
but do you
appreciate me?
446
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,467
No!
447
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:53,467
It's always,
"Get me coffee.
448
00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:54,634
"Write my speech.
449
00:19:54,634 --> 00:19:55,634
"Here comes my wife.
450
00:19:55,634 --> 00:19:57,133
Pretend Fluffy's
with you."
451
00:19:57,133 --> 00:19:58,400
Well, I'm sick of it,
452
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,133
and I'm sick of you,
Vanderdoody!
453
00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:02,267
I've done a lot
of low things for you,
454
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,467
but when I meet
my maker
455
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:04,667
in a few minutes,
456
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,501
and he asks if I've
done anything good,
457
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:08,400
I'll say,
"Yes. I did this."
458
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,868
Ooh!
459
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:22,067
I'm ready to die.
460
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:24,534
CAPTAIN:
Well, we seemed to pull out
of that one.
461
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:25,868
I'm happy to say
462
00:20:25,868 --> 00:20:27,801
we're on our final approach
to JFK,
463
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,467
and we'll be landing
in 10 minutes.
464
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:31,868
I hope you enjoyed your trip.
465
00:20:31,868 --> 00:20:33,434
We're gonna live!
466
00:20:33,434 --> 00:20:35,367
We can't!
467
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:37,133
You said
we were gonna crash!
468
00:20:37,133 --> 00:20:38,434
Now you say
we're not!
469
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:40,968
What kind
of a pilot are you?
470
00:20:40,968 --> 00:20:43,667
Steve, I'm never flying
this airline again.
471
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,501
[GROANS]
472
00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:47,734
Oh, Steve...
473
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,767
what have I done?
474
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:51,467
I'm ruined.
475
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:53,167
This is what
the gypsy meant:
476
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:56,601
disaster,
the end of my career.
477
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:00,868
When he regains
consciousness,
478
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,834
I know his first words
will be,
479
00:21:02,834 --> 00:21:05,434
"You're fired."
480
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,701
I wouldn't worry
about it.
481
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:11,000
Play your cards right,
482
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,367
you might even get
a promotion.
483
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:15,601
I split his lip
like a bunny, Steve.
484
00:21:15,601 --> 00:21:17,000
Yes,
485
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,534
but you know something
about Mr. Vandergelder
486
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,300
that Mrs. Vandergelder
doesn't.
487
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:21,501
What's that?
488
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:22,868
The Fluffster.
489
00:21:30,601 --> 00:21:34,000
* I got you
To hold my hand *
490
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,634
* I got you
To understand *
491
00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:41,067
*I got you
Na, na, na, na, na *
492
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:44,834
* I got you
Na, na, na, na, na *
493
00:21:44,834 --> 00:21:46,701
[BOTH HUMMING OFF-KEY]
494
00:21:48,801 --> 00:21:52,667
BOTH:
* I got you, babe *
495
00:21:52,667 --> 00:21:55,701
* Babe *
496
00:21:55,701 --> 00:22:01,834
* I got you, babe **
497
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:16,834
[***]1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,868
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:20,000
It was a nice funeral,
wasn't it, Al?
3
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,334
Come on, honey.
4
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:24,234
Come on.
5
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:25,234
He's dead, Peg.
6
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:27,534
He's dead.
7
00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:28,734
What am I
gonna do now?
8
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:29,734
Oh, easy, Al.
9
00:01:29,734 --> 00:01:31,701
Nobody lives forever.
10
00:01:31,701 --> 00:01:32,934
I thought he would.
11
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:35,033
He had a nice full life.
12
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:36,534
Now, be strong, Al.
13
00:01:36,534 --> 00:01:38,968
You're just gonna
have to face the fact.
14
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:41,000
Your barber is dead.
15
00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:44,634
Why did it
have to be him,
16
00:01:44,634 --> 00:01:46,501
who meant so much
to so many?
17
00:01:46,501 --> 00:01:47,701
Why couldn't it
have been somebody
18
00:01:47,701 --> 00:01:49,133
nobody
would have missed,
19
00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:50,934
a wretch
of a human being?
20
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:52,467
Why couldn't it have been
your mother?
21
00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:56,133
Well, I'm sure there's
still someone alive
22
00:01:56,133 --> 00:01:57,968
who can cut all 12
of your remaining hairs
23
00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,100
for a buck
and a quarter.
24
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,467
It wasn't the money,
Peg.
25
00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:03,367
Tony knew my hair,
and he cared.
26
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:04,434
Remember that time
27
00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:06,734
I had that bad case
of dandruff in '83?
28
00:02:06,734 --> 00:02:09,000
Yeah, I remember.
29
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,801
The whole family gathered
some coal and a carrot,
30
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:14,033
and we made
Frosty the Dandruff Man.
31
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,868
Tony was there
32
00:02:15,868 --> 00:02:18,133
to hold my hand
through that rough time.
33
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,567
Going to Tony was
a family tradition.
34
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,100
My father went to him.
35
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:22,133
I went to him.
36
00:02:22,133 --> 00:02:23,400
I took Bud to him...
37
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,801
till the other kids
started calling him
38
00:02:24,801 --> 00:02:27,133
"Bud the Bowl Head."
39
00:02:27,133 --> 00:02:28,934
It broke my heart
when Bud refused to go.
40
00:02:28,934 --> 00:02:30,601
I had to tell Tony
Bud died.
41
00:02:37,467 --> 00:02:38,667
We wept together.
42
00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:40,067
That's the kind of guy
Tony was.
43
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,701
Everybody loved him.
44
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,701
Sorry I'm late,
45
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,701
but I wanted to wait
till they packed the dirt
46
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:48,000
over the old butcher.
47
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:52,400
That old butcher cried
when you died, Bud.
48
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:53,701
I'll bet he did.
49
00:02:53,701 --> 00:02:56,100
Who else would let him
put a cereal bowl on their head
50
00:02:56,100 --> 00:02:57,334
while he said,
51
00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:59,901
"I'm a-gonna make you
look like Sinatra."
52
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:02,634
Bud, your father's right.
53
00:03:02,634 --> 00:03:06,000
We should show a little respect,
even for the hated dead,
54
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,801
and like my mother said
when I married your father,
55
00:03:08,801 --> 00:03:13,334
"If you can't feel it, fake it."
56
00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:15,868
Yeah, and if you don't care
anymore, marry it.
57
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,701
Now, I'd like
a moment of silence
58
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:21,200
for my barber.
59
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,734
Excuse me.
60
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:25,901
Amen.
61
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,434
Well,
62
00:03:27,434 --> 00:03:28,968
now that Tony's worm food,
63
00:03:28,968 --> 00:03:31,667
I can get
out of these funeral clothes.
64
00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:33,133
Oh, Dad,
65
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:34,400
you know how
66
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,167
I've been bothering you
about a sports car?
67
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:37,767
Well, forget it.
68
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,267
I want a hearse.
69
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:40,667
I was just cruising around
the cemetery
70
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,400
with Boris, the driver.
71
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:43,667
Oh, God, was it cool.
72
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,067
On Friday night,
he's taking me out
73
00:03:45,067 --> 00:03:46,934
and promised to have
a real dead body in it...
74
00:03:48,901 --> 00:03:51,634
But Mom said it's wrong
to use a guy for his hearse,
75
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,868
so can I have one of my own,
please?
76
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:55,434
Well, Al,
77
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:59,234
she has been doing
better in school.
78
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:02,167
Why am I thinking
they buried the wrong guy?
79
00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:05,300
Cheer up, honey.
80
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,300
Your day will come.
81
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:09,501
And when it does, you'll be glad
we have that hearse.
82
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:10,834
[DOORBELL RINGS]
83
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,501
Al, I know you were
at a funeral and all,
84
00:04:16,501 --> 00:04:18,701
so this might be a bad time
to bring this up,
85
00:04:18,701 --> 00:04:20,501
but did you happen to come
into our yard
86
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:21,701
in the middle of the night
87
00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:23,968
and steal all our roses?
88
00:04:23,968 --> 00:04:27,667
Steve, I've never been
so insulted in my life.
89
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,868
Well, then I guess
this isn't your watch.
90
00:04:32,634 --> 00:04:34,067
So who died?
91
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,300
A close family member?
92
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:36,434
No, worse. My barber.
93
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:37,901
It hit me
pretty hard, too.
94
00:04:37,901 --> 00:04:39,300
Now, who am I
going to get
95
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:40,300
to cut my hair?
96
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:41,300
Well, why don't you
97
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,167
just do what you do
with your lawn?
98
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:46,200
Park your car on it,
and let it die.
99
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,267
Thanks, Marce,
100
00:04:47,267 --> 00:04:48,901
but much like the hair
on your legs,
101
00:04:48,901 --> 00:04:51,567
I need the help
of a trained professional.
102
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:57,701
Look, Al,
103
00:04:57,701 --> 00:04:59,734
why don't you
just go to my barber?
104
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:00,734
Well, thanks, Steve,
105
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,667
but I still care
how I look.
106
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,901
Dad, why don't you
just go to Kelly's guy,
107
00:05:04,901 --> 00:05:07,467
Mr. Albino?
108
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:09,267
Or you could always go
to Bud's guy
109
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,033
at the Pimple Emporium.
110
00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:13,834
Ask for Mr. Squeeze-It.
111
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:18,200
Look how I live.
112
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,501
Come on, Al,
113
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,200
the kids'll think
you're serious.
114
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,300
Honey, you're making
a big thing over nothing.
115
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:25,601
Usually,
you're a big thing
116
00:05:25,601 --> 00:05:26,501
who makes nothing.
117
00:05:30,868 --> 00:05:33,534
Anyway, you can get
your hair cut anywhere.
118
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,300
There are thousands
of stylists in this city.
119
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,300
Yeah, stylists.
120
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,300
I want a barber
with a barber pole,
121
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:41,434
with a little dog
that lays on the floor
122
00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:42,834
and scratches
and bites at his fleas.
123
00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:45,234
Where am I going to see
a sight like that again, Peg?
124
00:05:45,234 --> 00:05:47,200
Look next to me
while I'm sleeping.
125
00:05:48,901 --> 00:05:49,901
Al, why don't you
126
00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:51,334
just find some guy
with good hair
127
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,067
and ask him
where he gets it cut?
128
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,400
Sure, I'll compliment him
on his great hair,
129
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:56,400
and then he'll
compliment me
130
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,534
on my bedroom eyes,
131
00:05:57,534 --> 00:06:00,400
and we'll live together
and make terrariums.
132
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,367
I'm going upstairs
to be alone with my grief.
133
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:07,767
Well, make sure
to pull up the Air Wick.
134
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,767
Well, I gave Buck
a nice big dish of water.
135
00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:15,868
Now I'm gonna take him
for a walk on Tony's grave.
136
00:06:15,868 --> 00:06:17,467
He didn't get to go
to the funeral,
137
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:19,067
but I know he wants
to say goodbye
138
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,667
in his own special way.
139
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,467
He's quite a little guy,
isn't he?
140
00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:29,968
Gee, Al seems to be
taking this pretty badly.
141
00:06:29,968 --> 00:06:31,133
Death is something
142
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:33,133
you're never really
prepared for.
143
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:34,334
Well, it does
make you think.
144
00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:37,200
I mean, one minute,
you're in perfect health,
145
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,434
and then
the next minute, poof!
146
00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:40,501
Al's dead.
147
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,667
Gee, and I'd be left
with no income
148
00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:44,434
and no insurance.
149
00:06:44,434 --> 00:06:45,434
What would I do?
150
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:47,868
Get a job?
151
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:51,467
No, I said,
what would I do?
152
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:55,834
I mean, of course
I would remarry,
153
00:06:55,834 --> 00:07:00,000
but that could take
up to nine months...
154
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,133
and what if Al didn't die
till I was in my 40s?
155
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,167
Then where would I be?
156
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:10,901
Well, thank God
157
00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:13,067
Steve cares enough
to get insurance.
158
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:16,734
Why, he's worth more dead
than he is alive.
159
00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:17,968
Well, so is Al.
160
00:07:17,968 --> 00:07:19,000
You know,
161
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,033
what with food stamps
and welfare and all.
162
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:27,033
How much is yours
worth dead?
163
00:07:27,033 --> 00:07:28,701
A cool mill.
164
00:07:28,701 --> 00:07:30,634
Wow.
165
00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:39,701
What I could do
with a million dollars.
166
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:40,701
Hey, Marcy,
167
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:43,133
knowing he's worth
that much,
168
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:44,133
have you ever,
169
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:46,367
late at night
while he's sleeping,
170
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:48,000
thought about...
171
00:07:55,868 --> 00:07:59,367
But all this
is pie in the sky.
172
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:02,601
Peggy, you really should
get insurance for Al.
173
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:04,100
Uh, honey...
174
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,300
I thought
175
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,767
I was only insured
for $250,000.
176
00:08:07,767 --> 00:08:10,200
Steve, please.
This is girl talk.
177
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,868
I know an insurance group
178
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:15,501
that not only will insure you
over the phone,
179
00:08:15,501 --> 00:08:17,067
but will also raise
your coverage
180
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,634
without your husband
even knowing.
181
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:21,234
I thought we were
going to discuss things
182
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,567
that affect us both.
183
00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:25,501
This doesn't affect you, Steve.
184
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:31,467
You'll be dead.
185
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:33,133
Anyhow, Peggy, all you need
186
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:35,534
is for Al to give
a sample of his blood and urine,
187
00:08:35,534 --> 00:08:36,534
and you're home.
188
00:08:36,534 --> 00:08:37,634
Hmm.
189
00:08:37,634 --> 00:08:39,133
Well, the urine
would be easy.
190
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:40,534
I could just put
a little cup
191
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:42,601
five feet
from the bowl...
192
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:50,901
But the blood
is gonna be tough.
193
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:53,367
I could use
a million, though.
194
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:58,167
We all could.
195
00:08:58,167 --> 00:08:59,200
Well, we have to go.
196
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,601
Steve has to sweep out
the gutters,
197
00:09:00,601 --> 00:09:02,434
and I'm going to hold
the ladder for him.
198
00:09:04,968 --> 00:09:06,267
Uh...
199
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:07,267
I love you, Marcy.
200
00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:09,567
That's nice, dear.
201
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:12,267
"First name," Al.
202
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:15,467
"Last name," Bundy.
203
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:19,767
"Sex," not worth mentioning.
204
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:20,767
Peg,
205
00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:22,767
the darnedest thing...
206
00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:25,334
when I woke up,
my neck was bleeding...
207
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:29,934
And there was a--
208
00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:31,834
There was a jar between my legs.
209
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:37,434
Well, uh,
210
00:09:37,434 --> 00:09:41,467
maybe you dreamt
you were making preserves.
211
00:09:41,467 --> 00:09:44,100
Yeah,
that must be it.
212
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,100
Peg, who am I
gonna get to cut my hair?
213
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,501
I called all my friends
last night.
214
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:50,067
What did he say?
215
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,701
He said,
216
00:09:52,701 --> 00:09:54,701
"Yeah, I'm still in San Quentin
for killing the wife,
217
00:09:54,701 --> 00:09:56,534
but it was worth it."
218
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,667
And the rest of them said
219
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,701
that they're gonna start
going to...salons.
220
00:10:03,701 --> 00:10:05,434
Hey, Peg, these are plumbers,
221
00:10:05,434 --> 00:10:07,534
construction workers,
auto mechanics.
222
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:12,601
Oh, unlike you,
skilled illiterates.
223
00:10:12,601 --> 00:10:13,734
Come on, honey.
224
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,734
What's wrong
with going to salons?
225
00:10:15,734 --> 00:10:16,767
Do they have
226
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,934
regular checker games
in salons, Peg?
227
00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:21,167
Do they run the numbers
in salons, Peg?
228
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:23,000
Will they laugh in a salon
when you say...
229
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,501
"What do women and dog doody
have in common?
230
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,734
The older they get,
the easier they are to pick up."
231
00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:31,601
Would they, Peg?
232
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:39,601
Probably not, Al.
233
00:10:39,601 --> 00:10:40,701
Then I'm not going,
234
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:42,200
and I'll tell you
something else.
235
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,367
I need a place
that'll cut my nose hair.
236
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:46,367
Tony would.
237
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,868
He was the greatest.
238
00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:51,167
He'd really get in there.
239
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:54,267
Will a salon cut my nose hair,
Peg?
240
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:55,267
Probably not, Al.
241
00:10:55,267 --> 00:10:56,267
Then I'm not going.
242
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:58,734
Then what are you gonna do, Al?
243
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,234
Die broke, Peg,
244
00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,968
but first I'm find a barber,
245
00:11:01,968 --> 00:11:03,200
a real man,
246
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,434
a man who likes girls
but hates women.
247
00:11:10,834 --> 00:11:12,033
Look at him, kids.
248
00:11:12,033 --> 00:11:14,300
He's worth a million dollars.
249
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,467
Get a haircut, Al.
250
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:28,767
I'm not getting a haircut
until I find a barber.
251
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:30,434
It's time, Al.
252
00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:31,801
Last night you were snoring,
253
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,601
and your nose hairs
were going in and out
254
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:36,634
like a trombone.
255
00:11:36,634 --> 00:11:38,734
I'm afraid one day
they're gonna reach out
256
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:42,501
and suck in one of the kids.
257
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:47,467
Don't you think
I want to get a haircut, Peg?
258
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,467
Do you think I like fat guys
in granny glasses
259
00:11:49,467 --> 00:11:53,167
asking me if I like
the new Dead album?
260
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:56,701
But I'm trying
to make a statement here.
261
00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:57,868
I'm saying,
262
00:11:57,868 --> 00:11:59,234
"Let's not let
the barber disappear."
263
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:01,400
God knows they've taken
everything else away from us
264
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,601
in the so-called name
of progress.
265
00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,534
They take the pinball machine,
give you video games.
266
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:06,901
What do I care
267
00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:09,300
if a monkey can make it
to the top of a building?
268
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,100
Unless he's up there
to throw off his wife,
269
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,501
it doesn't matter to me.
270
00:12:13,501 --> 00:12:14,501
I want flippers.
271
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,234
I want steel balls,
272
00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:17,767
and I want my barber, damn it!
273
00:12:21,868 --> 00:12:23,033
Is he brain-dead?
274
00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:26,300
Because we just might
be able to collect.
275
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,200
And cartoons.
276
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,434
Has anybody here
seen cartoons lately?
277
00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:32,334
No, we're grown up, Dad.
278
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,567
Well, I have,
and they stink.
279
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:35,901
Peg, remember
when a mouse
280
00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:37,367
could hit a cat
over the head
281
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:38,968
with a frying pan
and flatten his head?
282
00:12:38,968 --> 00:12:40,200
Now you know what they do?
283
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,934
They go into therapy
and talk it out...
284
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:44,334
and you know who's to blame?
285
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:47,100
Women and pacifists,
286
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,300
and you know where they go
to make my life miserable?
287
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,968
Salons!
288
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:53,234
Come on, family,
289
00:12:53,234 --> 00:12:55,033
can't you get behind old Dad
on this one?
290
00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:56,634
Well, we can't get
in front of you.
291
00:12:56,634 --> 00:12:59,901
Your nose hairs would spear us.
292
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:00,901
That's it!
293
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:05,567
Now, I never thought
this would happen to me.
294
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,501
Life has taken everything else
away from me.
295
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:08,501
I quit.
296
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:09,501
That's it.
297
00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:11,601
I'm going to a salon.
298
00:13:11,601 --> 00:13:13,300
Wherever Tony is,
299
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,701
I hope they buried him face down
300
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:16,701
so he never has to live
to see my shame
301
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:19,367
because Al Bundy...
302
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:30,367
Is gonna get washed...
and blown.
303
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,334
Hi.
304
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,701
Come in. Come in.
305
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:59,767
What can we do for you?
306
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,067
[YELLS]
307
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:11,334
Ooh, a first-timer.
308
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,501
Now, sit down.
309
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:14,801
Relax.
310
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:17,100
Someone will be with you
in a minute.
311
00:14:20,801 --> 00:14:23,200
So, what do you think
about those Bears?
312
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,868
Well, if people
wouldn't feed them,
313
00:14:24,868 --> 00:14:28,701
they wouldn't raid
the campsites.
314
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,701
Yeah, that's
what I think
315
00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:33,000
about the White Sox.
316
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,868
[PASSES GAS]
317
00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:42,868
Hi.
318
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,567
You get your hair
done here too?
319
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:49,534
Ever since I could find
an old man to pay for it.
320
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:50,567
Do you like it?
321
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:52,200
Oh, yes.
322
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,334
Are you rich?
323
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:54,701
No.
324
00:14:54,701 --> 00:14:55,901
Oh.
325
00:14:58,834 --> 00:14:59,834
Hi. I'm Murphy.
326
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:01,834
What can I do for you?
327
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:04,767
Do you know
how to dance in a cage?
328
00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:06,801
I mean, no, I need a haircut.
329
00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:08,601
Well, come with me.
330
00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:12,334
That's a nice place
you got there.
331
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:18,334
Now, my old barber
used to charge a buck-25.
332
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:19,467
How much are you guys?
333
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:20,501
$60.
334
00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:22,534
No, seriously.
335
00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:25,467
Ooh, aren't we woolly?
336
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:28,367
Yeah, you guys
really aren't $60, are you?
337
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:29,667
Well,
you know our motto,
338
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:30,734
"People are suckers."
339
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:32,100
Oops.
340
00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:34,734
I'm not supposed to
say that to the customers.
341
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:35,734
Oh, well.
342
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:37,200
Just relax.
343
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,133
Leave your head
in our hands.
344
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:41,133
We'll start
with a nice scalp massage.
345
00:15:41,133 --> 00:15:42,868
Alrighty.
346
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:49,868
My name's Bundy.
347
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:51,968
Al Bundy.
348
00:15:51,968 --> 00:15:52,968
Oh, that's good.
349
00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:54,167
Hey, you know, it was funny.
350
00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:55,767
I was kind of worried
coming over here.
351
00:15:55,767 --> 00:16:00,000
Well, you know,
not being a sissy or anything,
352
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,367
If I'd have known you were--
353
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,567
If I'd have known
you were going to be doing me,
354
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:06,033
I'd have been here years ago.
355
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,434
I wish you would
have said that
356
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,834
when I was single.
357
00:16:11,801 --> 00:16:13,868
Mom, how long
do we have to sit here
358
00:16:13,868 --> 00:16:14,968
in the dark?
359
00:16:14,968 --> 00:16:19,334
Until your father
comes out of the bushes.
360
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:20,534
He won't come
in the house
361
00:16:20,534 --> 00:16:23,434
unless he thinks
we're sleeping.
362
00:16:23,434 --> 00:16:28,067
Well, what if he looks
like a geek?
363
00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:30,901
Can we laugh?
364
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:32,601
Kelly,
he's your father.
365
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,868
Of course we can.
366
00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:37,667
Oh, shh!
367
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:40,467
I think
I smell him coming.
368
00:16:46,234 --> 00:16:47,434
[GRUNTS]
369
00:16:54,868 --> 00:16:57,734
Well, how do you like it?
370
00:16:57,734 --> 00:17:00,434
You look
like a fruit, Al.
371
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,267
Thanks, Peg.
372
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:05,267
Pretty cool, Dad.
373
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:06,267
It gives you
374
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:09,968
that "no closet
can hold me" look.
375
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:15,968
Now, leave Dad alone.
376
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:20,234
You're still going to wear
men's clothing, aren't you?
377
00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:21,901
Oh, honey,
we're just teasing.
378
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:24,167
You look fantastic.
379
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:25,667
Doesn't he, kids?
380
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:26,667
Great.
381
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:28,167
Yummy.
382
00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:33,734
See? It's unanimous.
383
00:17:33,734 --> 00:17:35,167
By the way,
384
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:38,467
your nose hairs
look somehow longer.
385
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:40,367
They moussed them...
386
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:48,067
But they wouldn't cut them.
387
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,067
The important thing is,
388
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:53,000
I, uh...I feel cool.
389
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,000
Good night.
390
00:18:03,601 --> 00:18:05,501
Some, uh...
391
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:08,968
Some sex tonight, Peg?
392
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:10,434
No, thanks.
393
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:27,167
Hi, guys.
394
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,667
Sorry I'm late,
395
00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:33,968
but I had a rinse,
mousse, and protein pack.
396
00:18:33,968 --> 00:18:35,734
Hey, man.
397
00:18:35,734 --> 00:18:36,901
Watch that cigar, man.
398
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,968
You're gonna get smoke
in my hair...
399
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:45,000
And Mr. Freddy says it's hell
on my conditioner, man.
400
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,934
Mr. Luscious won't let me
put on my construction hat.
401
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:50,734
It ruins the integrity
of the cut.
402
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:53,100
[BELCHES]
403
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:55,667
You look good, Al.
404
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,534
Yeah, we're studs.
405
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,100
So, what are we
gonna do tonight,
406
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,434
put on our baby dolls,
drink a few beers,
407
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:07,567
and give each other spankings?
408
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:09,067
How about shooting
some pool?
409
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,200
No, no, the severity of the neon
410
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,767
will ruin the highlights
in my hair.
411
00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:15,968
Bowling?
412
00:19:15,968 --> 00:19:17,467
No, we'd get beat up.
413
00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:18,801
Well, what can we do
414
00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:20,501
that won't put any stress
on our hair?
415
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:23,467
We could go see
La Cage aux Folles.
416
00:19:26,968 --> 00:19:30,000
It's really a fine play.
417
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,300
You're a plumber, Louie.
418
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:36,501
I was never really comfortable
as a plumber.
419
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,701
[CLEARS THROAT]
420
00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:43,801
Louie, excuse us a second.
421
00:19:43,801 --> 00:19:46,434
[ALL CLICKING TONGUES]
422
00:19:46,434 --> 00:19:49,901
Look at-- This is a mess.
423
00:19:49,901 --> 00:19:51,534
Look, it's all over for Louie,
424
00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:54,000
and, Russ, you're slipping...
425
00:19:56,334 --> 00:19:57,334
But we got a chance.
426
00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:58,601
Here's what we got to do--
427
00:19:58,601 --> 00:20:00,534
We go out and find
a fire hydrant.
428
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:01,934
We turn that sucker on.
429
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:05,767
We stick our heads in the hole
and wash the gay away.
430
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:12,234
You mean go outside
without nets?
431
00:20:13,868 --> 00:20:15,801
I think we better hurry,
432
00:20:15,801 --> 00:20:17,400
and afterwards,
no matter how long it takes,
433
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,067
we find a barber, a real barber.
434
00:20:20,067 --> 00:20:20,934
Let's go.
435
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,734
Louie, come on.
436
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:27,901
We're going dancing.
437
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:30,200
I want a steak.
438
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,200
I want beer.
439
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,200
I want a woman.
440
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,567
I'm not dressed for dancing.
441
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,200
Well, kids, your daddy's
worthless again.
442
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,200
The insurance company found out
he was a shoe salesman.
443
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,534
They refused to cover him
444
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:47,434
because of the high
suicide rate.
445
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:48,434
So, in other words,
446
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,968
dead or alive,
we still starve.
447
00:20:50,968 --> 00:20:53,567
Then, why do we
keep him?
448
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:56,701
Without him,
we'd have to get jobs...
449
00:20:56,701 --> 00:20:59,601
and Buck seems
to like him.
450
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:00,601
Where is Dad?
451
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,801
Oh, he and the rest
of the think tank
452
00:21:02,801 --> 00:21:05,033
are out searching
for a barber.
453
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:11,400
Mom, you can be
square with me.
454
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:15,801
I mean, I know Kelly
is Dad's natural daughter...
455
00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:17,567
but me, I was just
some one-night stand
456
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,634
with a cool guy, right?
457
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:28,901
I heard that.
458
00:21:28,901 --> 00:21:31,467
I'm not Dad's,
either.
459
00:21:32,601 --> 00:21:33,601
Are too.
460
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:34,601
Am not.
461
00:21:34,601 --> 00:21:35,868
Are too.
Am not.
462
00:21:35,868 --> 00:21:38,934
Kids, stop that!
463
00:21:38,934 --> 00:21:40,968
You're both Daddy's kids.
464
00:21:47,968 --> 00:21:50,968
Peg, I did it!
465
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:52,734
I found a barber...
466
00:21:56,501 --> 00:21:59,000
But not just any barber.
467
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,467
I found Tony's dad in Cicero.
468
00:22:02,467 --> 00:22:03,901
He's 97 and half-blind,
469
00:22:03,901 --> 00:22:06,367
but he taught Tony
everything he knows.
470
00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:07,667
He even trimmed my nose hairs.
Look.
471
00:22:08,801 --> 00:22:10,667
Look.
472
00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:17,467
Now, that's old-world
craftsmanship right there.
473
00:22:17,467 --> 00:22:19,667
Now, I know you think I'm crazy,
474
00:22:19,667 --> 00:22:23,601
but there's nothing
like going to a real barber.
475
00:22:23,601 --> 00:22:25,100
Even though his hand
shakes a little.
476
00:22:43,868 --> 00:22:46,734
[***]1
00:00:03,601 --> 00:00:07,467
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:11,133
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:16,501
Now, we'll be gone a week.
4
00:01:16,501 --> 00:01:17,701
Did you turn
off the phone?
5
00:01:17,701 --> 00:01:18,701
Yeah.
6
00:01:18,701 --> 00:01:20,367
The heat, electricity,
the water?
7
00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:22,067
All shut off.
8
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:23,567
Al,
9
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:24,801
honey, do you think
10
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:26,968
we should have told
the kids we were going?
11
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:28,534
They'll be fine,
12
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:29,734
but if you're worried
about them,
13
00:01:29,734 --> 00:01:31,067
you can stay here
with them.
14
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,868
Of course, it won't be the same
without ya--
15
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:34,634
I might have some fun.
16
00:01:34,634 --> 00:01:36,534
No way, Al.
17
00:01:36,534 --> 00:01:37,534
I'm going too.
18
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:38,934
After all,
if it wasn't for me,
19
00:01:38,934 --> 00:01:40,968
we couldn't even afford
this little trip.
20
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:44,534
It was my uncle that
died and left us money.
21
00:01:44,534 --> 00:01:45,968
[DOORBELL RINGS]
22
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:48,100
That's the mail.
That's our inheritance check!
23
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:49,567
[CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY]
24
00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:53,234
Here, give me that.
25
00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:55,367
Bill,
26
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:56,367
bill,
27
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:57,400
bill.
28
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,567
Here it is!
29
00:01:58,567 --> 00:01:59,968
All right,
get the suitcases.
30
00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:01,767
We'll open it
and cash it on the way.
31
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,067
Let's go.
32
00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:04,534
So long, suckers!
33
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,267
Pretty low, Dad.
34
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:25,400
What tipped you off?
35
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,767
Well, we knew
something was up
36
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:28,434
when you
packed us a lunch.
37
00:02:28,434 --> 00:02:29,300
Peg!
38
00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:32,567
Well...
39
00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:35,767
Since you're all here,
and I have no choice,
40
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:38,934
you may as well
hear the bad news.
41
00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:39,934
Uncle Henry died.
42
00:02:39,934 --> 00:02:43,467
Yay!
Yes, yes!
43
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:44,968
Fork it over, Dad.
44
00:02:44,968 --> 00:02:47,167
We deserve that money
just as much as you two do.
45
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,334
If not more.
46
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,334
Let's not forget,
47
00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:50,734
when Uncle Henry
was losing his mind,
48
00:02:50,734 --> 00:02:54,100
I was the one who
pretended to be his mother,
49
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,701
and I was the one
who told him
50
00:02:55,701 --> 00:02:57,601
to leave something
to those nice Bundys.
51
00:02:57,601 --> 00:02:59,267
How much do you think
it is, Mom?
52
00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:00,934
Well,
it's got to be a lot.
53
00:03:00,934 --> 00:03:02,567
You know
what a miser he was.
54
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:05,634
He was so cheap
he'd buy day-old bread,
55
00:03:05,634 --> 00:03:08,133
and why did he
do that, kids?
56
00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:11,901
KIDS:
It didn't matter because
he toasted it anyway.
57
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,801
Hey, you remember
that little song
58
00:03:13,801 --> 00:03:15,200
we used to sing
about Uncle Henry?
59
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,000
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "DAY-O"]
60
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,467
* Day-old *
61
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,434
* Day-old bread *
62
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:23,634
* Uncle Henry
Buys a-day-old bread *
63
00:03:23,634 --> 00:03:26,501
* Hey, Mr. Baker-man
None of that fresh stuff *
64
00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:29,200
* Uncle Henry
Buys a-day-old bread *
65
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,968
Hey, hey, hey! Enough, now!
66
00:03:30,968 --> 00:03:33,000
Enough of that!
67
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,067
It's opening time.
68
00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,200
[LAUGHS]
69
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,634
All right. Now...
70
00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:40,434
Working backwards...
71
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:43,267
I see...
72
00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:44,400
a seven.
73
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,400
Yes.
74
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,767
I see a three.
75
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:48,100
Come on,
come on.
76
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,667
I see a two.
77
00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:51,968
What do you
see now, Dad?
78
00:03:51,968 --> 00:03:55,067
I see a check for $237.
79
00:03:56,767 --> 00:04:00,501
I buffed this man's
carbuncles for $237?
80
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:03,234
How do you think I feel?
I was his mother.
81
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:05,734
All right,
$237 split four ways
82
00:04:05,734 --> 00:04:06,834
comes to...
83
00:04:09,033 --> 00:04:11,200
to, um...
84
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,267
Bud?
85
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:13,901
$59.25 each.
86
00:04:13,901 --> 00:04:14,968
Exactly,
87
00:04:14,968 --> 00:04:16,567
and that won't even
buy a fake ID.
88
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:22,667
So, um, the only plan
that makes sense
89
00:04:22,667 --> 00:04:24,334
is to give it
to Bud and me.
90
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:25,734
That way,
we can split the money,
91
00:04:25,734 --> 00:04:26,968
and get
front-row tickets
92
00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:29,467
to the Tears and Vomit
concert tomorrow night.
93
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:34,300
Hey, where's the fun
in this death for me?
94
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,901
He was my relative,
95
00:04:37,901 --> 00:04:39,701
and I just know
he would have wanted me
96
00:04:39,701 --> 00:04:42,567
to have a bikini wax
and a nice perm.
97
00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:43,734
KIDS:
Tears and Vomit.
98
00:04:43,734 --> 00:04:44,767
Bikini wax.
99
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:45,767
Tears and Vomit.
100
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:46,767
Bikini wax!
101
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:47,767
Tears and Vomit!
Bikini wax!
102
00:04:47,767 --> 00:04:49,968
Hey!
Kids, Peg. Come on, now.
103
00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,501
Let's not let
our new-found wealth
104
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,033
turn us against each other
like that family on Dynasty.
105
00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:59,367
Come on,
let's be reasonable.
106
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,534
Would you prefer
that Uncle Henry had not died?
107
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:04,334
No.
No.
No.
108
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:06,033
Well,
all right then.
109
00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:08,634
We found this money as a family,
we'll spend it as a family.
110
00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:09,667
[DOORBELL RINGS]
111
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:10,834
I'll get that.
112
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:17,701
Hi. We just had a little
romantic lunch downtown,
113
00:05:17,701 --> 00:05:20,567
and we brought a nice
prime rib bone for Buck.
114
00:05:23,701 --> 00:05:26,100
How nice.
115
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,367
Oh, there's
meat on it!
116
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
117
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:35,934
Now what?
118
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:36,834
Ow!
119
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,000
What Marcy means is,
"you're welcome."
120
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,000
Well,
since you're imposing,
121
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,667
let me ask you a question.
122
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:45,300
As you can see, our house
is in great sadness.
123
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,868
We inherited a check
124
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,701
for $237.
125
00:05:48,701 --> 00:05:50,300
We don't know
what to do with it.
126
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:51,334
Well, let's see--
127
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:52,868
Charm school,
128
00:05:52,868 --> 00:05:54,267
car muffler,
129
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:55,667
high hedges...
130
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:59,534
Your own newspaper
subscription.
131
00:05:59,534 --> 00:06:02,067
Your own
garbage cans.
132
00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:03,267
Bail money
for the children.
133
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:04,634
Nah.
134
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:05,834
To hell with the future.
135
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:07,300
I'm talking about now, Steve.
136
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,901
Well, in that case, you could
pay back the money you owe us.
137
00:06:09,901 --> 00:06:11,100
Hey, a man just died here,
138
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,701
and I'm sure
he gave us this money
139
00:06:12,701 --> 00:06:14,901
not to pay you back,
but for us to have fun.
140
00:06:14,901 --> 00:06:15,901
As a matter of fact--
141
00:06:15,901 --> 00:06:18,901
Kelly, what were his last words?
142
00:06:18,901 --> 00:06:22,000
[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]
143
00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,434
There you go, Steve.
144
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:28,267
You can't deny a man
his death wish.
145
00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:30,434
I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.
146
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:33,467
We're about
to have dinner.
147
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:35,133
I have a suggestion.
148
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,801
Why don't you take the money
and go out to a nice restaurant?
149
00:06:37,801 --> 00:06:41,133
Get all dressed up,
find someplace elegant,
150
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,434
and get something to eat,
for God's sake.
151
00:06:44,968 --> 00:06:47,868
Ooh,
that's a good idea.
152
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:51,434
We did that once, Al,
you remember?
153
00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,534
It was right after
Kelly was born.
154
00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:56,133
Mom gave us some money
to buy her booster shots,
155
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:57,534
but she was
crying so much,
156
00:06:57,534 --> 00:07:00,601
we just decided
to go out instead.
157
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:02,267
You know,
her whooping cough
158
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:04,601
only lasted
a couple of weeks,
159
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,567
but the memories
of that meal
160
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:09,234
will last us a lifetime.
161
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:12,834
Oh, let's do it,
honey.
162
00:07:12,834 --> 00:07:14,968
Let's go
have a nice meal.
163
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,100
You never
take me out anymore.
164
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,834
Well...
165
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:19,834
Why not?
166
00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:22,300
Hey, kids,
what do you say?
167
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,300
You want to go out for
a nice dinner tomorrow?
168
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,467
We want to see
Tears and Vomit.
169
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:29,334
Well, you can see that
when your mom cooks.
170
00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:32,234
Come here, kids.
171
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:37,000
Just have a
seat right here.
172
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,367
Now, kids,
173
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:41,133
how often do we get to
do things as a family?
174
00:07:41,133 --> 00:07:42,334
You know, besides
175
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:44,701
getting Grandma Bundy
out of the drunk tank?
176
00:07:44,701 --> 00:07:46,567
All right, then.
It's settled.
177
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,167
Now, tomorrow we'll get
in our fancy duds,
178
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,434
we'll gas up
the old war-wagon,
179
00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:51,234
and we'll dine
like royalty.
180
00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:54,934
Dog's got our food!
181
00:07:54,934 --> 00:07:56,868
Dog's got
our food!
182
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,467
[SLOW JAZZ PLAYING]
183
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:10,667
Ooh. Ahh.
184
00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:12,133
God,
this is great.
185
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:15,100
Yeah, that's it.
Show your lack of breeding.
186
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,868
Now, be quiet
and let me handle everything.
187
00:08:18,868 --> 00:08:19,934
Uh, reservations
188
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:24,200
for Mr. Warren Beatty
and family.
189
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,334
Uh,
right this way, sir.
190
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,300
Hey, now,
look at that steak.
191
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,067
Now, I want
something like that.
192
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:34,367
Wow, and look at
that bald guy's chicken.
193
00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:35,634
The rolls
look good, too.
194
00:08:35,634 --> 00:08:36,634
Could you
cut into that
195
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:38,067
so I can see
how it looks?
196
00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:39,868
How much does it cost
for something like that?
197
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:41,467
How much does
a steak like that cost?
198
00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:42,868
That corn
looks good--
199
00:08:42,868 --> 00:08:44,434
This way, please.
Your table's waiting for you.
200
00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:51,400
Oh.
201
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,100
Before you
see a menu,
202
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,701
would anyone care
to begin with a cocktail?
203
00:08:57,701 --> 00:08:59,501
Coke.
Coke.
204
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:00,501
Coke.
205
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,234
Jack and a beer back.
206
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:08,234
It's, um,
slang that the kids use.
207
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:10,267
It means Coke.
208
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:13,801
Isn't this
beautiful, kids?
209
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:21,634
Good evening.
210
00:09:21,634 --> 00:09:24,601
I'm Paul, and I'll be
your waiter for tonight.
211
00:09:24,601 --> 00:09:26,601
Would you care to hear
about our fresh fish?
212
00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:30,334
Uh, yeah.
Maybe after dinner.
213
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:31,868
Right now, give us four steaks.
214
00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:33,200
Nuke 'em.
215
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,067
Very good. Potato?
216
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,501
Well, how much is the potato?
217
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:39,400
Well,
it comes with the meal.
218
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,667
Potatoes
for everybody.
219
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:42,667
Vegetables?
220
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:45,000
Oh,
we don't eat vegetables.
221
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,267
Of course.
222
00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:48,868
[BAND PLAYING "MOON RIVER"]
223
00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:52,734
Hey, kids.
224
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,100
You wanted
to see a band,
225
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:55,534
we wanted a meal,
226
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:57,033
Voila.
227
00:09:57,033 --> 00:10:00,200
Yeah, Dad.
They're the coolest.
228
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,567
I seem to recognize
"Moon River,"
229
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,534
one of my
personal favorites.
230
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:07,400
Al,
231
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,100
you want to dance?
232
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,501
You wouldn't mind,
Peg?
233
00:10:10,501 --> 00:10:12,767
Of course not,
I'd love it.
234
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:13,968
[CHUCKLING]
235
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,133
Would you like
to dance with me?
236
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:21,901
Dance with me,
you moron.
237
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:30,300
Look at them, Kel.
238
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,367
Old-a-rama.
239
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:34,734
You are
a soulless troll.
240
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:35,734
I think it's romantic
241
00:10:35,734 --> 00:10:37,133
that two dinosaurs
like Mom and Dad
242
00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:39,634
still care enough
about each other to dance.
243
00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:40,767
I mean, look at them.
244
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,767
You can see how much
they really love each other.
245
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,901
Couldn't you even
wear deodorant, you pig?
246
00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:51,667
Gee, you didn't
247
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:52,868
wear quite enough
hairspray tonight, Peg,
248
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:54,434
I can still smell
your breath.
249
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,200
Hey, Kel.
250
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,367
Watch me have some fun
with this waiter.
251
00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:02,534
[CLEARS THROAT]
252
00:11:10,033 --> 00:11:11,868
[CLEARS THROAT]
253
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,901
[BOTH CLEAR THROATS]
254
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:28,167
Uh, excuse me,
255
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,501
young people.
256
00:11:29,501 --> 00:11:31,767
How would you like me
to kill you?
257
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:35,067
That will be all.
258
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:43,334
* Two drifters *
259
00:11:43,334 --> 00:11:46,234
* Off to see the world *
260
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:48,901
* There's such
A lot of world *
261
00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:52,334
* To see *
262
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:55,334
* We're after *
263
00:11:55,334 --> 00:12:00,934
* The same rainbow's end *
264
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:03,801
* Waiting 'round the bend *
265
00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:07,567
* My huckleberry friend *
266
00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:10,868
* Moon river *
267
00:12:10,868 --> 00:12:12,467
* And *
268
00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:15,734
* Me **
269
00:12:21,934 --> 00:12:23,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know,
270
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,400
but at least
she's not a hundred.
271
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,400
Thanks, Al.
272
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,901
Hey, you're my woman.
273
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:35,734
Chow time! Chow time!
274
00:12:35,734 --> 00:12:37,100
Chow time! Chow time!
275
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,234
Chow time! Chow time!
276
00:12:38,234 --> 00:12:39,234
Chow time! Chow time!
277
00:12:39,234 --> 00:12:40,234
Okay.
278
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:41,234
Okay, now, everybody.
Dig in,
279
00:12:41,234 --> 00:12:42,234
but watch
your fingers.
280
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:43,634
Hey, hey, now.
Kids, wait a minute.
281
00:12:43,634 --> 00:12:44,868
We're not at home.
282
00:12:44,868 --> 00:12:47,434
This is a special evening
and a special meal,
283
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,033
and I think
we should say our thanks
284
00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:49,901
by saying grace.
285
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:55,000
Look at that steak.
286
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,901
I think
I'm getting sexually excited.
287
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,067
I knew you were supposed
to cook a potato.
288
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:04,667
I knew it, I knew it.
289
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:07,334
This food could be trouble.
290
00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:08,667
They're all going to like it,
291
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,400
and then they're going to
look at me.
292
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:18,167
And, Lord,
I'd just like to say,
293
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:21,100
other people get to
eat like this all the time.
294
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,734
Animals at the zoo
eat better than me,
295
00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:25,400
and more often, I might add.
296
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,734
Don't I rate
as much as a jackal gets?
297
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:31,234
Thanks for listening.
298
00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:32,868
Your friend, Al.
299
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,000
Amen.
300
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,200
Let's eat!
301
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:42,901
[SNORTING AND GRUNTING]
302
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,000
[GRUFFLY]
A roll!
303
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,267
Butter!
304
00:14:01,701 --> 00:14:03,834
[BOTH MOANING WITH PLEASURE]
305
00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:22,634
Yeah. Was that eating
or was that eating?
306
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:23,834
You know,
there's only one way
307
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:26,000
to top off
a meal like that.
308
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,267
Cigar?
No.
309
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:30,601
Oh, waiter.
Got a newspaper there?
310
00:14:30,601 --> 00:14:31,801
WAITER:
Right away, sir.
311
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:34,567
Yep.
312
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:39,868
AL:
* Moon river *
313
00:14:51,701 --> 00:14:54,901
I feel like
the Queen of England.
314
00:14:58,334 --> 00:14:59,334
Al, honey,
315
00:14:59,334 --> 00:15:00,534
you sure we have
enough money
316
00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:01,701
to pay for this meal?
317
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,167
Yep, that's why I only
ordered myself
318
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:04,901
a cup of coffee.
319
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:08,000
Yep, I figured it all out,
it comes to $225.57.
320
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,601
That includes tax,
which I know all about
321
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:11,133
because I'm in
the business world.
322
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:12,167
Oh, garkarooni.
323
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,501
Check, please.
324
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:17,133
Yep.
325
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,267
How much is it, Al?
326
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:19,267
$225.57.
327
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:24,868
Ha ha ha.
328
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:27,200
Ha ha ha.
329
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:31,000
[LAUGHS WEAKLY]
330
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,300
I forgot my wallet, Peg.
331
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,167
Such a nerd.
332
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,234
Come on now,
kids.
333
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:39,467
Give your daddy
a chance.
334
00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:42,767
What are you
going to do, idiot?
335
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,334
Well,
let's not panic.
336
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:45,667
I mean,
if we keep calm,
337
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:47,067
we can still
get through this thing
338
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:48,267
with a little bit
of dignity.
339
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:50,434
You want me
to throw a fit on the floor
340
00:15:50,434 --> 00:15:53,367
like I do
when we can't pay at Denny's?
341
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:55,100
That was for $3.95.
342
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,267
For $225, they let you
swallow your tongue
343
00:15:57,267 --> 00:15:58,734
before they call an ambulance.
344
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,601
Kelly,
345
00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:01,968
take the car keys,
346
00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:03,567
look at what
Mommy married,
347
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:04,701
and bring back our money.
348
00:16:04,701 --> 00:16:05,801
Oh, oh, and,
Kelly--
349
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,334
I know, I'll be careful.
350
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,734
No, no,
I don't care about that.
351
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,434
Just don't change
my radio station.
352
00:16:14,801 --> 00:16:16,801
Would you like me to take
your check now, sir?
353
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,334
Uh, not quite yet.
354
00:16:18,334 --> 00:16:19,934
No, we'll just let
our meal settle here.
355
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,400
We'll have some
more water, please.
356
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,601
Can't get enough
water, you know.
357
00:16:22,601 --> 00:16:24,834
It's nature's
fruit juice.
358
00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:29,167
How long do you thing
it will take the kids?
359
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:30,367
Well, it took us
40 minutes
360
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:31,400
to get here one way,
361
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,400
and knowing
how Kelly drives,
362
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,601
they should be
here and back
363
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:36,400
in about
eight minutes.
364
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,434
Well, what are we gonna
do in the meantime?
365
00:16:38,434 --> 00:16:40,300
Just drink water.
366
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:43,434
Got it, Kel?
367
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:44,300
Got it.
368
00:16:50,234 --> 00:16:51,701
Confused again, Kel?
369
00:16:51,701 --> 00:16:53,734
Let me help.
370
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:56,267
Turn the knob,
then open the door.
371
00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:00,934
No, young weenie.
372
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:02,434
You know what just dawned on me?
373
00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:05,033
Two plus two equals four?
374
00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:06,501
Hey, when I'm not in school,
375
00:17:06,501 --> 00:17:09,367
I don't want to think about it,
okay?
376
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:12,000
No, I was just thinking.
377
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,801
You know, Mom and Dad
already got
378
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:15,200
a great meal out of this money.
379
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,200
I mean, they not going
to enjoy it any more
380
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,767
by paying for it.
381
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:20,601
Now we can enjoy it too.
382
00:17:20,601 --> 00:17:22,200
It's not too late
for Tears and Vomit.
383
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,767
Wait a minute.
What about Mom and Dad?
384
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:26,367
Come on, Bud.
385
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:29,701
Who's better at beating a check
than Mom and Dad?
386
00:17:29,701 --> 00:17:31,501
God, I mean,
you were 9 before you knew
387
00:17:31,501 --> 00:17:34,300
that a movie theater
had a front door.
388
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:35,501
Come on,
don't worry about them.
389
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:37,300
Let's go.
390
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,501
You realize if we do this,
391
00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:40,300
we might not be able
to come home tonight.
392
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,467
Won't be a first for me.
393
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:47,567
[PLAYING "MOON RIVER"
ON GLASSES]
394
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,767
* Moon river *
395
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:51,534
* Wider than a mile *
396
00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:54,267
* I'm crossing you in style-- *
397
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:56,934
Peg, Peg, it's been
two and a half hours.
398
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:57,934
It's safe to say
399
00:17:57,934 --> 00:18:00,200
the kids have
left us here to die.
400
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,300
I can't believe the kids
would do this to us.
401
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,434
Yeah, like we wouldn't
do it to them.
402
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:05,934
[CLEARS THROAT]
403
00:18:05,934 --> 00:18:08,167
Would you like
to pay the check now?
404
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:09,467
I'm letting
my water settle.
405
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:11,033
Go away.
Go away.
406
00:18:11,033 --> 00:18:13,267
[PLAYING TANGO MUSIC]
407
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:17,567
I got an idea.
408
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,968
You'll pardon me
if I doubt you.
409
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,701
And you'll pardon me
if I kill you.
410
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,200
Come on, just
follow my lead.
411
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:15,834
He overflowed
the toilet.
412
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,100
What are we
going to do, Al?
413
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,501
"What are we
going to do, Al?"
414
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:22,901
"What are we
going to do, Al?"
415
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:24,300
Well, when you're
out of the bedroom,
416
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:28,834
the answers don't come easy,
do they, Peg?
417
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:29,834
I got an idea.
418
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,501
Boy, the ideas
sure come quick to you
419
00:19:32,501 --> 00:19:34,100
out of the bedroom,
don't they?
420
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,334
Watch me operate.
421
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:40,901
Billy Bob Sammy Jim!
422
00:19:40,901 --> 00:19:43,501
Hey, you old son of a gun,
where you been all these days?
423
00:19:43,501 --> 00:19:45,133
How long has it been,
six, seven years?
424
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,534
Well, this must be the wife.
Boy, how he's talked about you.
425
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,734
Listen, this might be
a bad time to bring it up,
426
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:51,334
but remember
that $225.57 you owe me?
427
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:52,968
Well, I was going
to let it slide,
428
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:54,167
but that ruins friendships,
doesn't it?
429
00:19:54,167 --> 00:19:55,701
Oh, Harold.
430
00:19:55,701 --> 00:19:57,834
Well, to tell the truth,
I'm a little low.
431
00:19:57,834 --> 00:19:58,868
Well, whatever you got.
432
00:19:58,868 --> 00:20:00,467
Just, you know,
5, 10 bucks, you know.
433
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,267
Send me the rest.
Hey, what's money among friends?
434
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,467
Well,
I can give you $20.
435
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:04,501
Well,
that's just great.
436
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:05,501
Hey, it's been
really good--
437
00:20:05,501 --> 00:20:06,534
Yeah, yeah, right.
438
00:20:06,534 --> 00:20:08,367
Hey, Joe Bob Jack,
you old toe-picker, you!
439
00:20:10,634 --> 00:20:12,667
How'd you do,
Al?
440
00:20:12,667 --> 00:20:15,501
Well,
I was up to $75,
441
00:20:15,501 --> 00:20:17,267
then I ran into
somebody who knew me,
442
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,701
so he saw me
with the money,
443
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,901
I had to pay him
the $50 I owed him.
444
00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:23,968
Sir, it's been
three hours,
445
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,834
and we really need
this table.
446
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:29,100
We've got some nice water
for you to take home.
447
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,434
Pay us!
448
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:32,334
Didn't I pay?
449
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:33,701
It must've
slipped my mind.
450
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:34,601
Didn't I pay you?
451
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:37,400
Oh, well.
452
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,033
Listen, could you
bring me a newspaper?
453
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:42,033
I'll be right back
with the manager, sir.
454
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:45,801
Is it okay
to panic now, Al?
455
00:20:45,801 --> 00:20:47,801
Yeah, now would be
a good time to panic, Peg.
456
00:20:47,801 --> 00:20:49,400
What do you think
they'll do to us?
457
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,501
Well,
it's a high-class joint.
458
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,133
They'll probably
beat the hell out of me
459
00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:53,334
and toss me in a dumpster,
460
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:54,567
but, well, you,
461
00:20:54,567 --> 00:20:56,167
you'll probably just have
to do some dishes.
462
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,601
Dishes?
463
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:00,767
Me?
464
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:02,267
No way.
465
00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:03,434
I'm taking
charge here.
466
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:04,434
Give me your shoes.
467
00:21:04,434 --> 00:21:06,000
What are you
talking about, Peg?
468
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,767
Give me
your shoes, now.
469
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,434
Sir,
if you can't pay,
470
00:21:11,434 --> 00:21:12,834
perhaps you'd like
to discuss it with--
471
00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:17,334
What's that?
472
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:20,033
This!
Ugh!
473
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:24,467
Okay,
everybody back.
474
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,400
Now,
we're busting out of here.
475
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,601
I want to see hands,
people.
476
00:21:27,601 --> 00:21:30,200
Nobody try
to be a hero.
477
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,200
Oh, my God.
She's got a shoe!
478
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,901
Nobody comes close,
nobody gets sick.
479
00:21:40,901 --> 00:21:43,300
And I don't want to see anybody
try that again.
480
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,901
Let's go, Al.
481
00:21:52,534 --> 00:21:54,634
Play some happy music.
482
00:21:54,634 --> 00:21:59,033
[PLAYING "TIE A YELLOW RIBBON
'ROUND THE OLD OAK TREE"]
483
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:00,567
Let's go, Al.
484
00:22:00,567 --> 00:22:01,868
Wait a second, Peg.
485
00:22:04,501 --> 00:22:05,501
You know,
486
00:22:05,501 --> 00:22:07,100
I had a really nice
time tonight, honey.
487
00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:08,701
It was nice getting out
for a change.
488
00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:09,801
Uh-huh.
489
00:22:09,801 --> 00:22:11,801
Hey, you wanna make
a run for the fire escape?
490
00:22:11,801 --> 00:22:13,200
You betcha.
491
00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:25,868
And don't try
to follow us.
492
00:22:41,868 --> 00:22:43,834
[***]1
00:00:03,601 --> 00:00:07,501
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:11,367
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:18,501
ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
And coming up
tomorrow on Oprah,
4
00:01:18,501 --> 00:01:20,200
Sugar coma:
5
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:24,133
Is it killing
productivity in the home?
6
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,033
Aw, Peg, are you
all worn down
7
00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:46,934
from cooking and
scrubbing and cleaning?
8
00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:51,367
Making this house
the palace that it is?
9
00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:52,901
You know,
you're amazing.
10
00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:54,334
I just can't
get over you.
11
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:56,200
How do you do it?
12
00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:01,100
Honey, you always wanted
to go to Europe.
13
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:03,100
What do you say
I put you in a box
14
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:04,767
and ship you overseas?
15
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:06,167
Come on, my little
death certificate,
16
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,868
what do you say?
17
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,534
Oh, Mom, I had
the most horrible dream.
18
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,701
I was married
to a shoe salesman,
19
00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:16,868
and we lived...
20
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:20,200
[SCREAMS]
21
00:02:23,701 --> 00:02:24,567
It's true!
22
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:26,767
Oh.
23
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:28,634
Hi, honey.
24
00:02:28,634 --> 00:02:30,367
I was just
dreaming about you.
25
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,834
Were you in it, or was
I having a good time?
26
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:36,434
Ah, kids, I hardly
ever say this,
27
00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:38,234
but it's good
to see you.
28
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:39,634
I got something
I gotta tell you.
29
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,100
Oh, please.
30
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,901
This isn't going to be
another one of those
31
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,701
"there's only enough food
for three" lectures, is it?
32
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:47,434
No, it's not that.
33
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:48,434
I want everybody to know
34
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:49,634
that they have
a security guard
35
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:51,367
patrolling the wishing well
around the mall,
36
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,434
so money will be a little
tight for a while.
37
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:57,667
Until old dad
38
00:02:57,667 --> 00:02:59,767
learns how to jimmy
those pay phones.
39
00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:00,634
Everybody understand?
40
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,234
Well, good, good.
That's good.
41
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,400
Bud,
take your jacket.
42
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,534
I don't have one.
43
00:03:10,534 --> 00:03:12,133
What do you mean
you don't have one?
44
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:13,534
I just bought you one
last week.
45
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:14,734
I guess
I left it somewhere.
46
00:03:14,734 --> 00:03:15,868
You don't
leave a jacket.
47
00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:17,234
You leave your hopes,
your dreams,
48
00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:18,868
if you're lucky,
your family,
49
00:03:18,868 --> 00:03:21,000
but you gotta take care
of your jacket.
50
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,033
Al, just get him
another jacket.
51
00:03:23,033 --> 00:03:24,133
Well, excuse me,
52
00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:26,868
Miss Why-don't-I-
get-a-W-2-form?
53
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,334
Now, kids, sit down.
54
00:03:31,334 --> 00:03:32,934
How are you ever going
to learn responsibility?
55
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:35,133
Do you know what
I had to do as a kid
56
00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:36,534
to earn money
to get a jacket?
57
00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:38,934
I had to shovel coal,
carry ice,
58
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:41,000
dig ditches, pump gas--
59
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,567
* Nobody knows *
60
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,367
* The trouble
He's seen *
61
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:47,367
* Nobody knows his sorrow *
62
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:51,033
Thank you very much,
Bundy glee club.
63
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:53,701
Oh, and by the way,
Peg, way to parent.
64
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,601
How much
is a jacket?
65
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:57,000
Sixty dollars.
Sixty dollars.
66
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,067
You know how much a jacket was
when I was a kid?
67
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:03,400
* Nobody knows
The trouble he's seen *
68
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,868
Okay, okay, okay.
Here you go.
69
00:04:06,868 --> 00:04:08,033
Enjoy.
70
00:04:08,033 --> 00:04:09,934
Oh, and Peg,
don't bother chipping in,
71
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:11,701
because you do so much
around here already.
72
00:04:11,701 --> 00:04:13,300
Right now, just try
to keep the couch
73
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,634
from hitting the ceiling.
74
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:16,434
Thanks, Dad.
75
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:17,534
Yeah, right.
Hey, listen.
76
00:04:17,534 --> 00:04:18,534
Next time,
don't lose that--
77
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:19,701
Ah, who cares?
78
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:24,501
You know, it's amazing.
Kelly's the good one now.
79
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:28,100
She comes home with new clothes,
but she never asks for money.
80
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,868
Thank you, princess,
for taking care of your stuff.
81
00:04:33,701 --> 00:04:34,901
Oh, Mom,
I need a favor.
82
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,267
Oh, anything, honey.
83
00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:38,100
As long as
I don't have to get up.
84
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:41,033
No, tomorrow's Mother-Daughter
career day at school,
85
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:42,100
and some of the moms
86
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,501
are gonna talk
about what they do,
87
00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:44,901
so I volunteered you
for refreshments,
88
00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:46,267
and I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.
89
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,734
Eight hundred cookies
by tomorrow?
90
00:04:50,734 --> 00:04:51,968
Why didn't you
tell me before?
91
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:54,367
Hey, they only told me
about it two weeks ago.
92
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:58,901
Eight hundred cookies.
93
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,067
Let's see.
94
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,834
Eighty cents a cookie...
95
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:06,634
Al, I need
a thousand dollars.
96
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:08,200
A thousand dollars?
That's no problem.
97
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,934
You got change
for a million?
98
00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:12,167
Come on, Al.
99
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:13,534
I need money.
100
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:15,267
I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.
101
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:16,267
What am I gonna do?
102
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:19,000
Mm, cookies.
Dilemma, dilemma.
103
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,801
Well, let's see how others
may have handled this.
104
00:05:20,801 --> 00:05:22,267
I remember reading
one time,
105
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:23,767
I believe it was
The Enquirer,
106
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,300
Yes,
I recall the headline.
107
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:28,434
"Woman bakes cookies,
odd but true."
108
00:05:28,434 --> 00:05:30,000
Was that
the same issue
109
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,834
where a man
had sex with his wife?
110
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,467
Yeah, if you read
real careful,
111
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,334
I believe it was the woman
who baked the cookies.
112
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:43,901
[SOBBING]
113
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:57,968
Miss, have you
seen my mom?
114
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:01,667
It's me, Bud.
115
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:04,567
But you're...
116
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:05,601
you're...
117
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:06,868
Cooking.
118
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,234
[SOBS]
119
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:11,067
Yes, Bud.
120
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,000
But it's not
for us, right?
121
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,968
Oh, no.
I wouldn't do that.
122
00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:18,601
Good.
123
00:06:18,601 --> 00:06:20,133
Can I have
some money?
124
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:22,067
You know where
we keep it.
125
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:22,968
Right, Mom.
126
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:40,734
Hi, Dad.
127
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:44,501
Would it help everybody
if I just slept like this?
128
00:06:47,434 --> 00:06:48,968
It's an investment,
Dad.
129
00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:50,234
Now, listen.
130
00:06:50,234 --> 00:06:52,300
Kelly has a big math
test coming up.
131
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:54,300
Now, me and the guys are
getting a pool together
132
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,667
to guess her score.
133
00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:58,267
Now, if I act fast,
I can cover 0-20,
134
00:06:58,267 --> 00:07:00,634
and we'll be rolling
in dough.
135
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:03,367
Put me down for 15.
136
00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:04,234
Right.
137
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:08,834
Where's your jacket?
138
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:10,267
Oh, I lost it.
139
00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:11,901
You know, I liked
that one too.
140
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,701
Peg, did you hear this?
141
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,000
What's a degree?
142
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:18,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
143
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,133
Oh, please let it be
a homicidal maniac. Please.
144
00:07:23,033 --> 00:07:25,767
That's close enough.
145
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:27,734
Al, I know
this is usually
146
00:07:27,734 --> 00:07:30,167
Encyclopedia Britannica
hour at your house,
147
00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:32,200
but I was wondering if
you could spare a minute
148
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,801
to pay for the window
your son broke.
149
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:34,801
Wait a second, Steve.
150
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,267
What makes you think
Bud did it?
151
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:38,968
Well, it happened
right after I said to him,
152
00:07:38,968 --> 00:07:40,767
"Hey, Bud, aren't you
throwing those snowballs
153
00:07:40,767 --> 00:07:42,334
a little close
to my house?"
154
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:43,434
Bud?
155
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:44,901
What have you got
to say for yourself?
156
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,801
Kelly's failing English.
157
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,200
I don't want
to hear it.
158
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,400
Now, you get
some scotch tape
159
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,701
and a piece
of Steve's newspaper,
160
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:52,767
and you
tape up that window.
161
00:07:56,133 --> 00:07:57,133
Uh, Al,
162
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,667
as soothing
as the sound
163
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:02,501
of wind whacking against
the sports section may be,
164
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:03,901
I was thinking
more along the lines
165
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,534
of 50 bucks
for a new window.
166
00:08:05,534 --> 00:08:08,667
And I could use 60
for a new jacket.
167
00:08:08,667 --> 00:08:10,067
You know, Steve,
I'm glad this happened.
168
00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:11,801
This came
at a perfect time.
169
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:12,801
Winter?
170
00:08:12,801 --> 00:08:14,501
No.
171
00:08:14,501 --> 00:08:16,167
It's time Bud learned
some responsibility.
172
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:17,968
You're going to learn
the value of a dollar.
173
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:19,467
You're going
to pay for his window
174
00:08:19,467 --> 00:08:20,801
and your jacket.
175
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,801
Al, why don't you just
give me the 50 bucks
176
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,000
and let Bud
pay you back?
177
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,234
Oh, no, Steve.
178
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:29,000
I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could throw him.
179
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,701
Okay,
how about this?
180
00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:32,100
It's six degrees
in my living room,
181
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,701
and I think the
lesson's mine to learn.
182
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:34,901
I'll pay for
the window myself.
183
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,100
Well, that's
fine for you, Steve,
184
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,667
but what's
in it for Bud?
185
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:39,901
Okay, I'll
give him 50 bucks
186
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,200
to forget
the whole thing.
187
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,300
No deal.
188
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,701
Now, Bud, here's
what we're gonna do.
189
00:08:44,701 --> 00:08:46,701
You are going to learn
the value of a dollar.
190
00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:49,067
You're going to come to work
with me tomorrow.
191
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,234
But, Dad, I have to--
192
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:52,033
And after seeing what
I go through all day,
193
00:08:52,033 --> 00:08:53,968
you'll think twice
before you lose jackets,
194
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,534
break windows,
get married, have kids...
195
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:06,467
Steve, what's a "tbls"?
196
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:10,801
That's short for tablespoon.
197
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,434
And someone's
supposed to know that?
198
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:21,234
Steve, did you know
our window is broken?
199
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:22,968
Yes. Bud did it,
200
00:09:22,968 --> 00:09:23,968
I apologized,
201
00:09:23,968 --> 00:09:27,567
and they promised
to let me pay for it.
202
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,567
I'm going to go get
a new pane of glass.
203
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:30,567
You stay here.
204
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:31,667
It's safer.
205
00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:32,868
They never foul
their own nest.
206
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:37,601
[PEG SOBS]
207
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,934
Peggy, what's wrong?
208
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:44,033
Can't you see?
209
00:09:44,033 --> 00:09:45,868
I'm baking.
210
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:47,100
Look,
Marcie.
211
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,300
Look at what
they look like
212
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:49,868
before
they're cookies.
213
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,801
I see you're making
chocolate chip.
214
00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:55,801
Oh, no.
215
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:57,100
That one just
fell on the floor.
216
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,434
I don't belong
in the kitchen, Marcie.
217
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:07,534
I'm a woman, damn it.
218
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:09,067
Let me help you.
219
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:13,067
Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.
220
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,901
How many do you need?
221
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:17,000
Oh, 800 or so.
222
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,634
I want Kelly
to be proud of me.
223
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:19,934
Make it
an even thou.
224
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:22,701
Uh, Peggy?
225
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:27,501
This hair...
226
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,300
Do you want it
sticking out of the cookie,
227
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:31,734
or as a surprise
in the middle?
228
00:10:31,734 --> 00:10:35,000
However they do it at bakeries.
229
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,701
Then you'll want it inside.
230
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,801
So what do you
need these cookies for, anyway?
231
00:10:42,801 --> 00:10:44,534
Oh, it's
Mother-Daughter Career Day
232
00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:45,567
at Kelly's school.
233
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:46,968
Hmm. What are you
gonna wear?
234
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:50,033
Why would I
go to career day?
235
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,133
Well, you have a career.
236
00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:53,634
You're a homemaker,
237
00:10:53,634 --> 00:10:56,400
and a homemaker is a very
undervalued profession.
238
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,734
You should go and speak about
239
00:10:57,734 --> 00:10:59,901
the things
you do for your family, like...
240
00:11:03,968 --> 00:11:05,501
You did give birth, didn't you?
241
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,934
I guess.
242
00:11:09,934 --> 00:11:12,234
You know, I was so deep under,
I could have laid eggs.
243
00:11:15,234 --> 00:11:19,100
Yes, well, Steve and I
have a theory about that, but...
244
00:11:21,234 --> 00:11:22,834
Don't you think
Kelly wants you to go?
245
00:11:22,834 --> 00:11:24,334
She's never asked me.
246
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:26,334
Peggy...
247
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:28,467
A lot of time, kids
don't come right out
248
00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:29,934
and ask for what
they really want.
249
00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:32,234
I know when I was
a young girl,
250
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,000
I wanted a horse,
251
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,501
so I started talking
about stirrups.
252
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:41,501
My mother took me
to the gynecologist.
253
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,901
So now, whenever
I see a western,
254
00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:46,367
I have this urge to scootch
to the end of the table.
255
00:11:53,033 --> 00:11:54,734
Marcie, say
what you mean.
256
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:57,100
I want a horsie,
damn it.
257
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,334
Well,
that's not what I mean.
258
00:11:58,334 --> 00:11:59,334
What I mean is,
259
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,601
no matter what she says,
260
00:12:00,601 --> 00:12:02,634
I'm sure Kelly wants you
to come to career day.
261
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,000
Hmm.
262
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,701
You know, she has been acting
kind of strange lately.
263
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:09,667
Why, just today, she asked me
to make her breakfast.
264
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:13,267
Gee, I wonder
what she really wanted.
265
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,267
Oh, well. I guess
I'll ask her gynecologist.
266
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:20,200
You know, maybe I should go
to that career day.
267
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,400
I hate to disappoint Kelly.
268
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,534
Oh, Mom, have you
seen my sweater?
269
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:26,901
Not now, I'm cooking!
270
00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:29,200
God, it never ends.
271
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:36,267
[CHATTERING]
272
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,467
Hi, Mom. How's it going?
273
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:55,801
Oh, fine.
274
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,400
Fine!
275
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,300
I mean, nobody's talking to me
or anything, but, uh...
276
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:01,801
Actually, I shouldn't
say nobody.
277
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:03,200
A teacher gave me
detention
278
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,501
for smoking
in the bathroom.
279
00:13:05,501 --> 00:13:06,701
Oh, and the girls'
gym teacher
280
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,467
asked if I'd I like
to come over
281
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:11,234
and we could
comb each other's hair.
282
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:12,367
Well, if you go,
283
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,968
she'll get you out
of that detention.
284
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:17,467
Look, Kelly,
285
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:18,868
I really thought
some of these kids
286
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:20,667
would come over
and ask me questions.
287
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,367
I must be making you
look pretty bad
288
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:23,367
in front
of your friends.
289
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,501
Don't worry
about it, Mom.
290
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:26,968
Most of my friends
aren't even up yet.
291
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,267
Well, I know that,
292
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:33,067
but I wanted you
to be proud of me,
293
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,667
like those other kids
are proud of their moms.
294
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,334
But you're not like
other moms.
295
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,367
I mean, I knew that the
first day of kindergarten
296
00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:40,567
when I opened up
my lunchbox
297
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:41,601
and found
a dollar bill
298
00:13:41,601 --> 00:13:46,000
and a road map
to Burger King.
299
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,667
I packed
that lunch myself.
300
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,200
But you know,
I've been thinking,
301
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,000
there must be more
to being a good mom
302
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,467
than good nutrition.
303
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,701
I mean, look,
304
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,634
those other kids
are learning so much
305
00:13:57,634 --> 00:13:58,934
from the other moms.
306
00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:01,601
Hey. Those other moms
couldn't have taught me
307
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:05,067
how to forge
Dad's signature.
308
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:07,434
Well, you know,
I can't take credit for that.
309
00:14:07,434 --> 00:14:10,901
Bud taught me,
and I passed it on to you.
310
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,334
You're very good
at that, you know.
311
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:13,334
Thanks.
312
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,734
Why, your "Al Bundy"
is worth more
313
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:17,634
than the check
it's written on.
314
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,501
See, you've helped me
in a lot of ways.
315
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:21,133
Do you remember
when I was 7
316
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:22,133
and I was crying
317
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:23,334
because Bobby Shepin
liked Terry Mull
318
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:24,667
just because
she was a blonde,
319
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:26,300
and you ran right out
and bought me
320
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,767
my first bottle
of bleach.
321
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:32,601
Oh, I almost
forgot about that.
322
00:14:32,601 --> 00:14:35,667
Honey, what is
your real hair color?
323
00:14:36,968 --> 00:14:39,000
I don't know.
324
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,868
What color's yours?
325
00:14:40,868 --> 00:14:42,968
I don't know.
326
00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:44,167
You know,
it's times like these
327
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:47,167
I wish
we'd taken pictures.
328
00:14:47,167 --> 00:14:48,434
Oh, listen.
329
00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:51,234
Let's go have ourselves
a real Mother-Daughter Day.
330
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:52,634
We'll get some popcorn,
feed the pigeons,
331
00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:55,501
and then walk by
a construction site
332
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,334
and make them
hoot like jackals.
333
00:14:57,334 --> 00:14:59,467
Too cool
for school, Mom.
334
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:01,601
Hey,
excuse me.
335
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:02,634
What do you do?
336
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:04,434
Oh, uh,
337
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:05,934
I don't know.
338
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:08,067
Nothing, really.
339
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,434
I watch TV.
340
00:15:09,434 --> 00:15:11,100
Then how do you make money?
341
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:14,000
Easy.
My husband has a job.
342
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,501
He brings home
a paycheck,
343
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:18,234
and what he doesn't
give to me, I take!
344
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:20,000
Wow!
345
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,601
Hey, Becky, come here,
you gotta hear this.
346
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:28,400
Dad,
I had a math test today.
347
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,834
Why are you doing this?
348
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:31,033
AL:
For once in your life
349
00:15:31,033 --> 00:15:32,033
I want you to see
350
00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:33,434
what your dad
does all day long.
351
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,434
[TOILET FLUSHES]
352
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,300
There, that's better.
353
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:42,634
This is great,
isn't it?
354
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:47,200
Dad, tell me again
this lesson I'll never forget,
355
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,400
because I already know
how to go to the bathroom.
356
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,400
It's about responsibility, Bud.
357
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,200
You can't go through life
asking for money
358
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,067
and not doing anything
to earn it.
359
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:58,334
Your mom already
cornered that market.
360
00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:00,534
I just want to show you
where the money comes from.
361
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,968
Now, you remember
that 320-pound behemoth
362
00:16:02,968 --> 00:16:05,200
that orbited her way
in here about an hour ago?
363
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:09,167
The one with the chicken wing
between her teeth?
364
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:11,400
No, the other one.
365
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,167
Now, that was a $20 sale.
366
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:15,901
That means a solid
$1.97 for me.
367
00:16:15,901 --> 00:16:18,000
After taxes, social security,
and your mom,
368
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,868
I just earned myself
a cool nickel.
369
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:24,334
You know, I never
figured that out before.
370
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:25,567
What the hell
am I doing?
371
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,234
Other people
make money.
372
00:16:27,234 --> 00:16:28,634
Ah, but we're not
talking about me.
373
00:16:28,634 --> 00:16:30,334
We're talking about you.
374
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:32,400
You're living
in a time of possibilities
375
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,901
for a young,
smart guy like you
376
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,334
that are limitless.
377
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:36,334
Why, you could--
378
00:16:36,334 --> 00:16:37,267
A nickel?
379
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,601
That's what I make?
380
00:16:40,601 --> 00:16:41,667
What the hell
keeps me going?
381
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:43,934
Dad, just--
382
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,801
Now, wait a second, Bud.
Dad needs a moment here.
383
00:16:47,434 --> 00:16:49,567
A nickel?
384
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:50,601
That can't be right.
385
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:53,100
It just can't be.
386
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,501
Ah, well,
the important thing
387
00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:56,534
is that you learn
responsibility,
388
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:57,534
and that your old dad
389
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,167
is a little more
than a Ready Teller
390
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:02,334
who doles out money
anytime anybody asks.
391
00:17:02,334 --> 00:17:03,467
Excuse me.
392
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,067
Would you be able
to spare some cab fare?
393
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:06,934
Absolutely.
394
00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:11,033
You know,
cabs are dangerous these days.
395
00:17:11,033 --> 00:17:12,234
Let me get you a limo.
396
00:17:12,234 --> 00:17:14,334
Gee, great.
397
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:15,767
[CASH REGISTER RINGS]
398
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,567
And who
might you be?
399
00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:19,801
I might be
the son of a rich man,
400
00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:20,968
but fate stepped in
401
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:24,267
and dealt me
a tragic hand.
402
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,000
Don't talk to him.
He loses jackets.
403
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,000
There you go.
404
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,200
I'm sorry I had to ask,
405
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,000
but would you believe it?
I lost my purse?
406
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,000
AL:
Oh, well,
407
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,467
Let's retrace
your steps.
408
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:36,033
Let's go back to
your shower this morning.
409
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:39,000
Now, um...
410
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,133
What were
you wearing?
411
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:41,200
Well, nothing.
412
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,734
Uh-huh.
413
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:46,601
And what kind of soap
were you using?
414
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,400
Dad, let me speak
to you for a second.
415
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,067
I'm with a customer.
416
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:50,934
Dad!
417
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:55,400
I don't get this.
418
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,901
I lost a jacket,
I got a lecture.
419
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,801
She loses her purse,
she gets 20 bucks.
420
00:17:59,801 --> 00:18:01,667
How come I have
to learn responsibility
421
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,033
and she doesn't?
422
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:05,334
Son, look at that.
423
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:08,501
When you have
that kind of skill,
424
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:10,968
you don't
need responsibility.
425
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:12,567
Bud, I got an idea.
426
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:13,567
Me too, Dad.
427
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:14,567
No, no.
428
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:15,934
It's obvious to me
429
00:18:15,934 --> 00:18:17,934
that you're not going
to learn anything looking at me.
430
00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:20,434
I'm not looking at you,
Dad.
431
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:25,300
Well, then at least listen,
and don't block my view.
432
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:28,167
Bud, you're going to have
the same thing I had as a kid.
433
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:30,167
You're going to open
your own lemonade stand.
434
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,434
Nothing better
on a hot day.
435
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:34,300
Dad, it's 12
degrees.
436
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,834
Then why are
we both sweating?
437
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,300
All right,
who's next
438
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,901
to lift the wallet
out of the pants?
439
00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:42,968
Oh!
440
00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:45,334
Okay, Susan.
You try.
441
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,701
Oh, no,
no, no.
442
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:48,601
You want to lift
with the right hand.
443
00:18:48,601 --> 00:18:49,667
The left hand
444
00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:52,367
is to hold the
pillow over his head.
445
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:55,234
Uh, Mom, a remote control
question over here?
446
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,567
Oh, no, no, Kimberly.
447
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,834
You want to roll the bonbon
in your mouth.
448
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,634
Roll it,
roll it.
449
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:05,067
Yes?
450
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:06,434
What if your husband
451
00:19:06,434 --> 00:19:09,267
is watching something
stupid like sports,
452
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:11,434
and he has
the remote control?
453
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:14,734
CROWD:
Yeah. That's a good one.
454
00:19:14,734 --> 00:19:17,400
Ah.
An advanced question.
455
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,200
This requires
planning.
456
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,367
As I explained,
457
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:23,734
in the section
on how to use your TV Guide,
458
00:19:23,734 --> 00:19:26,701
when you fold down the pages
of what you want to see,
459
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:28,801
scan for those
nasty sporting events
460
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,934
that can kill
your evening.
461
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,000
That day,
you set the channel
462
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,300
for what you want,
463
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:37,000
and then remove the batteries
from the remote control.
464
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:41,367
Most men
465
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:44,234
will only push
a remote button four times
466
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:45,834
before giving up,
467
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:48,334
and they won't get up
to change the station manually,
468
00:19:48,334 --> 00:19:50,734
because they're
too tired from work.
469
00:19:54,901 --> 00:19:55,901
Judge Spivak.
470
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,000
What about meals?
471
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,100
How do they get done?
472
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:01,767
Hello,
do you deliver?
473
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,767
So what you're saying
is that work is stupid.
474
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:10,367
Just for women.
475
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:11,634
No, what I'm saying
476
00:20:11,634 --> 00:20:15,100
is why should we age
and sweat and die early?
477
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,267
That's what men are for!
478
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,634
Gosh, Kelly, your mom
is the greatest,
479
00:20:21,634 --> 00:20:24,000
and where did she learn
to make such good cookies?
480
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,334
She tricked a neighbor
into baking them.
481
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:28,701
Oh, my gosh.
Everybody, did you hear that?
482
00:20:28,701 --> 00:20:31,067
She tricked a neighbor
into making these cookies.
483
00:20:31,067 --> 00:20:33,400
All CHANTING:
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
484
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,200
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
485
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,734
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
486
00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,267
I couldn't believe
that astronaut.
487
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:43,334
Forty years old,
488
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:47,100
and she didn't even know
who Oprah was.
489
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,300
Spend some time
on Earth, lady.
490
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,234
You know, Mom,
491
00:20:53,234 --> 00:20:55,734
when I grow up, I want
to be just like you.
492
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,734
I want to do nothing.
I want to be nothing.
493
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,300
Oh, Kelly,
you make me so proud.
494
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:04,534
I just
wish your father
495
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:07,100
could be here
to hear that.
496
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,934
What are they doing
selling lemonade?
497
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:11,067
It must be
five below out there.
498
00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,868
Oh, it's something
about a lesson.
499
00:21:12,868 --> 00:21:14,667
I couldn't
really understand Bud.
500
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:17,133
He had a lemon
stuck to his lips.
501
00:21:20,868 --> 00:21:22,567
What happened to Bud?
502
00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:25,968
Ah, he's
a little grumpy.
503
00:21:25,968 --> 00:21:28,234
Mr. Erickson was running
his snow blower.
504
00:21:28,234 --> 00:21:30,634
It sucked up a quarter,
shot it across the street,
505
00:21:30,634 --> 00:21:33,100
hit Bud in the head.
506
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:34,234
There ya go!
507
00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:35,367
I told you
508
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:37,167
if you put these lemons
under a little fire,
509
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:38,167
they'd fall right out.
510
00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:40,968
You're the
greatest, Dad.
511
00:21:40,968 --> 00:21:43,400
Save me
from this man.
512
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,434
Some other time, Bud.
513
00:21:44,434 --> 00:21:45,901
I'm taking Kelly shopping.
514
00:21:47,801 --> 00:21:49,000
Oh, look, Mom.
515
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,501
This quarter
fell off Bud's head.
516
00:21:50,501 --> 00:21:52,100
We can use it
for the parking meter.
517
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:53,133
No, no,
518
00:21:53,133 --> 00:21:55,734
we have
an out-of-order sign for that.
519
00:21:55,734 --> 00:21:58,234
But I know, we can use it
to buy lemonade at the mall.
520
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,200
Hey, Mom, you want
to buy Bud a jacket?
521
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,868
What for?
He's inside now.
522
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:14,267
Well, I think you learned
a couple of valuable lessons.
523
00:22:14,267 --> 00:22:15,467
Number one,
524
00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:18,467
never suck on a lemon
when it's 5 degrees.
525
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:20,100
Number two,
look at yourself.
526
00:22:20,100 --> 00:22:21,501
You're cold,
you're hungry,
527
00:22:21,501 --> 00:22:23,133
you're beginning
to stoop.
528
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,701
You earned a quarter
and the women took it.
529
00:22:25,701 --> 00:22:27,801
Congratulations, Bud.
530
00:22:27,801 --> 00:22:29,534
Today, you are a man.
531
00:22:42,634 --> 00:22:44,467
[***]1
00:00:03,701 --> 00:00:07,567
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:12,434
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:21,234
[PEG EXHALES]
4
00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:23,834
Hmm.
5
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:27,100
"Cher to wed 21-year-old alien."
6
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:29,067
Well, good for her!
7
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:30,200
Hey, Peg.
8
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,400
Oh, good.
9
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,701
I caught you
on a break.
10
00:01:34,701 --> 00:01:36,000
Listen.
11
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,033
Last night I saw a bright star
shining in the East.
12
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,167
Peg...
13
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,767
Did you do our laundry?
14
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:44,567
I had to.
15
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,367
One of your shirts
reached out of the hamper,
16
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,100
grabbed me around the windpipe,
17
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,133
and demanded
to be taken to the airport.
18
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,467
Stupid shirt.
19
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:54,667
If it was that easy,
I would've been gone years ago.
20
00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:56,033
Now, look, Peg.
21
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,133
Two months ago, I bought
20 pair of socks.
22
00:01:58,133 --> 00:01:59,834
Now I got
20 swinging singles
23
00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:03,367
with only
one complete pair.
24
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:04,634
Then wear them.
25
00:02:04,634 --> 00:02:05,868
I can't.
26
00:02:05,868 --> 00:02:08,234
They're the socks
I got married in.
27
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:13,300
The evil socks.
28
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,100
What are you doing
with my socks, Peg?
29
00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:18,434
I didn't want to tell you
because I knew you'd get upset,
30
00:02:18,434 --> 00:02:21,467
but I traded your socks
and the family cow
31
00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:23,400
for these magic beans.
32
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:26,767
Something's going on here, Peg.
33
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:29,000
Something dark, something deep,
something sinister,
34
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,167
so I know a woman's behind it.
35
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:32,367
Now, I called all my friends,
36
00:02:32,367 --> 00:02:33,634
and their socks
are disappearing too,
37
00:02:33,634 --> 00:02:37,501
and their wives
claim they don't know either.
38
00:02:37,501 --> 00:02:39,367
So level with me, Peg.
39
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:45,100
What is Oprah telling you
to do with our socks?
40
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,701
Or was it Geraldo?
41
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,567
Sell a shoe, Al.
42
00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:52,501
Fine,
but I'll be watching you.
43
00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:55,801
Mom, Dad, big news
at school today.
44
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:57,367
All the guys
are losing their socks
45
00:02:57,367 --> 00:03:00,701
while the girls in Home Ec
giggle fiendishly?
46
00:03:00,701 --> 00:03:03,934
Mom, big news in school today.
47
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,634
The tap-dancing club was doing
a recital in the ghetto.
48
00:03:06,634 --> 00:03:08,634
Now, apparently, all the gangs
banded together
49
00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:10,100
and attacked their bus.
50
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,400
They couldn't figure out why,
but it seems that someone
51
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,667
spray-painted a slogan on
the side of the bus that said,
52
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:19,801
"We may be nerds, but at least
we're not poor. Ha ha."
53
00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:21,968
That's terrible.
54
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,567
Who would do
a mean thing like that?
55
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,634
I'll give you a hint.
56
00:03:25,634 --> 00:03:27,334
She lives here,
57
00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:29,467
has white hair,
58
00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:31,868
and misspelled "ha ha."
59
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:37,367
Oh, no.
Not what's-her-name.
60
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,033
It's Kelly, Al.
61
00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:41,467
Yeah, that's the one.
62
00:03:41,467 --> 00:03:44,667
Our spelling bee winner
should be here any second.
63
00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:46,734
Dad, please,
go easy on her.
64
00:03:46,734 --> 00:03:47,901
I'll get your belt.
65
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:52,834
Hi, everybody.
66
00:03:52,834 --> 00:03:54,000
Hi, Kelly.
67
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,067
Anything interesting
happen at school today?
68
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:57,734
Oh, not to me.
69
00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:58,634
Well, good night.
70
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:01,601
Kelly!
71
00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:02,901
Oh, yeah.
72
00:04:02,901 --> 00:04:04,467
There was this
one thing, though.
73
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:07,100
There's this girl
who looks just like me
74
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,701
who got into
a peck of trouble today,
75
00:04:08,701 --> 00:04:11,367
so if the principal calls and--
76
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:14,801
Gee, Mom,
you look fantastic,
77
00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:15,667
and, Dad...
78
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,868
Doesn't Mom look fantastic?
79
00:04:20,868 --> 00:04:24,200
Hey, what say we unplug
the phones and play Yahtzee?
80
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,801
Dad, I couldn't find your belt,
81
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:28,868
but I figured
we'd tie her down with this...
82
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,100
Hi, Kelly.
83
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,734
You told, didn't you?
84
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:35,534
Just about the spray painting,
85
00:04:35,534 --> 00:04:38,200
not that you came in
at 2 a.m. last night.
86
00:04:40,601 --> 00:04:42,467
Oops.
87
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:44,801
You know you're going to be
punished for this, don't you?
88
00:04:44,801 --> 00:04:47,033
Well, you're gonna
have to take a number.
89
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:49,367
They're already
punishing me at school.
90
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:50,934
Principal Wicker's
been out to get me
91
00:04:50,934 --> 00:04:52,901
ever since I stole
her stupid husband.
92
00:04:56,701 --> 00:05:00,400
I mean, some chalk.
93
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,067
Well, what's she
going to do to you?
94
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:03,467
I have to join
the tap club.
95
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:06,400
With the nerds
and the geeks?
96
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,601
Nerds, dips, feebs
and geeks.
[GROANS]
97
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:11,601
I either tap,
or I'm out of school.
98
00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:13,033
What would you do, Mom?
99
00:05:13,033 --> 00:05:15,467
I'd quit school.
100
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:18,133
Way to go, Supermom.
101
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,300
I can't quit school.
102
00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:23,634
I need school.
It's like my office.
103
00:05:23,634 --> 00:05:25,133
I check in, I get my messages,
104
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:28,300
I go to lunch...
105
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:31,667
I close a couple of deals,
and I go home.
106
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,667
I mean, if I'm on the streets,
I'm just another...
107
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,868
Flophouse toy?
108
00:05:36,767 --> 00:05:40,467
No, girl-repellent.
109
00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:42,701
I need school.
I belong there.
110
00:05:42,701 --> 00:05:43,701
It's where I'm cool.
111
00:05:43,701 --> 00:05:44,968
It's where I'm important.
112
00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:49,000
It's where
I can get a hot meal.
113
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,834
But if I tap,
I'll be branded as an ortho.
114
00:05:51,834 --> 00:05:53,868
Oh, God, my brain hurts.
Somebody help me.
115
00:05:53,868 --> 00:05:55,501
Okay, look.
116
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:58,467
Kelly, what you did was wrong.
117
00:05:58,467 --> 00:06:00,767
It was funny, though.
118
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,033
But wrong.
119
00:06:02,033 --> 00:06:03,334
Uh, I guess.
120
00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:05,200
Look, there's two things
that Bundys don't do:
121
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,167
We don't eat vegetables,
and we don't tap.
122
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:11,000
So take one more tap class,
123
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,434
and tomorrow
I'll get up,
124
00:06:13,434 --> 00:06:15,267
paint one of my ankles,
go to work,
125
00:06:15,267 --> 00:06:16,868
and then after that,
I'll see your principal.
126
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:18,234
Thanks, Daddy.
127
00:06:18,234 --> 00:06:19,634
Then I'll go
to the airport,
128
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:21,834
and I'll go to Borneo,
129
00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:23,400
where I'll be I'll be known as
130
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,367
"That Great White Bwana
With No Socks."
131
00:06:26,868 --> 00:06:28,968
Roll,
132
00:06:28,968 --> 00:06:30,000
fold,
133
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,834
and flip.
134
00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:34,701
See? It's easy.
135
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:37,868
Steve's mother used to
twist, twist, and tuck.
136
00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:41,901
Of course,
Steve's mother is an idiot.
137
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,567
She sewed his name
in his underwear
138
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:45,234
when we got married, you know.
139
00:06:45,234 --> 00:06:47,868
Al's mother just threw up
in the dip.
140
00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,634
They can't let go,
can they?
141
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,033
How come Al
has so many socks?
142
00:06:54,033 --> 00:06:55,934
Well, last night,
143
00:06:55,934 --> 00:06:58,367
after Al learned
that a man with $20
144
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,968
is not a king in Borneo,
145
00:07:00,968 --> 00:07:02,834
he went out to buy some socks
146
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:07,200
at Bob's Pre-owned
Socks 'N Stuff.
147
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,667
He's on this weird
sock quest,
148
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:10,834
and he just won't believe
149
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,334
that I don't lose them
on purpose.
150
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:15,200
Does Steve blame you
when his socks disappear?
151
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,434
Oh, Steve never loses a sock.
152
00:07:17,434 --> 00:07:21,167
He pins them together
before I wash them.
153
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:24,133
Another tip from Mommy.
154
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:27,501
Yeah, Al's mother had
a tip for him too,
155
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:29,834
"Don't eat the dip tonight."
156
00:07:31,901 --> 00:07:33,367
[TAPPING FOOTSTEPS]
157
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,767
Well, I'm a dweeb.
158
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:46,234
Honey, what happened
to your shoes?
159
00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:47,634
Oh, same thing
that happens
160
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:48,934
to all
nerds' possessions--
161
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:51,467
The cool kids stole them
and threw them down the sewer.
162
00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:52,834
Then they said,
163
00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:55,400
"Gee, I wish Kelly was here
to see this girl crying."
164
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,701
Well, how was class?
165
00:07:57,701 --> 00:08:00,033
Oh, it was keen, Mom.
166
00:08:00,033 --> 00:08:02,100
Today, they made me dance
with Marty Newberger,
167
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:05,667
the four-eyed saliva machine.
168
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:08,868
[MASCULINELY]
He wants to be friends.
169
00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,300
Kelly's principal
170
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,234
is making her
take tap dancing.
171
00:08:12,234 --> 00:08:15,133
Oh, how wonderful!
172
00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:17,601
I took tap and cotillion
when I was growing up.
173
00:08:17,601 --> 00:08:18,601
Isn't it fun?
174
00:08:18,601 --> 00:08:20,634
Fun?
175
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,501
The whole class
is geeks and dweebs.
176
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,567
Really?
177
00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:24,734
When I took tap,
178
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:27,968
there were no geeks or dweebs
in my class.
179
00:08:32,367 --> 00:08:34,334
Well, I'm gonna
shuffle off, shuffle off,
180
00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:37,267
shuffle off
in front of a truck.
181
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:40,634
Daddy,
did you talk to the principal?
182
00:08:40,634 --> 00:08:43,133
Did you save my life?
Did you get me off?
183
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:45,267
Did Daddy ever
let you down before?
184
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:46,367
Lots of times.
185
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:47,501
Then you won't be surprised
186
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:48,968
at what Daddy
has to say to you.
187
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:53,534
I went into
Mrs. Wicker's office
188
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,133
and had it out
with her man-to-man.
189
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:57,634
I forgot how much
she hated me.
190
00:08:57,634 --> 00:08:59,767
Peg, she remembered
you, too.
191
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,367
She called you
"The Big Easy."
192
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:05,200
Well, we get into it,
193
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,200
I called her Big Nose,
she called me One Sock,
194
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,834
and, uh, well,
the upshot is--
195
00:09:08,834 --> 00:09:10,133
The upshot is
196
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,968
I'm not allowed within
100 yards of the school
197
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,434
until the night
of your dance recital.
198
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,467
I don't have to do
a dance recital.
199
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:17,968
You do now.
200
00:09:17,968 --> 00:09:19,968
Boy, I'm hungry. What do
we got in the fridge?
201
00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:23,367
A milk carton
with a tree growing out of it.
202
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,667
Well, chop it down,
cook it up.
203
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,367
Uh, doesn't
anybody care
204
00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:31,400
that we seem to be
205
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,801
glossing over
the end of my life?
206
00:09:32,801 --> 00:09:35,367
Uh, excuse me here,
207
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:38,033
but there is nothing wrong
with tap.
208
00:09:38,033 --> 00:09:39,167
I tap.
209
00:09:39,167 --> 00:09:40,501
Steve taps.
210
00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:42,634
Sammy Davis Jr. taps,
211
00:09:42,634 --> 00:09:45,667
and he is one hep black cat.
212
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:47,501
Tap is an art form.
213
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:52,167
Open yourself to tap,
you'll never look back.
214
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:57,467
Mom, while Mrs. Rhoades
finishes her geek attack,
215
00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:59,868
let me explain
this to you
216
00:09:59,868 --> 00:10:02,133
so that
you can understand.
217
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,834
There's this guy.
218
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:05,300
He is a god...
219
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:09,067
the janitor
at our school.
220
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,300
So obviously
all the girls want him.
221
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:14,400
Okay, I'm with you,
I'm with you.
222
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,167
All right, so I've been
playing it cool.
223
00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:18,100
You know, a little smile,
a little wink,
224
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,067
a little, "Hey, Bruno,
look at this."
225
00:10:21,067 --> 00:10:22,267
You know,
he's on the hook,
226
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:23,667
and I'm just about
to land him.
227
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:24,868
He thinks I'm cool,
228
00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:26,467
but if he sees me wearing
these horseshoes,
229
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:27,868
he's gonna go for
some other slut.
230
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:28,734
Oh, Mom!
231
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:37,501
Honey, you may not
believe this now,
232
00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:41,634
but there will be
other janitors.
233
00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:43,868
Not like this one.
234
00:10:43,868 --> 00:10:46,000
Oh, I know, I know,
235
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,167
but honey, we're not rich enough
to send you to private school,
236
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:51,901
you're not smart enough
to get an equivalency diploma,
237
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,067
and unless your father
238
00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:55,667
comes up with
a brilliant idea...
239
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:05,868
I'm afraid you're
gonna have to tap.
240
00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:13,000
Miss Music, cue it up, please.
241
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,567
["ANYTHING GOES" PLAYING]
242
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,734
Hey, "Anything Goes."
243
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:20,601
That's your song,
isn't it, Kel?
244
00:11:20,601 --> 00:11:21,868
[MOUTHS]
245
00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:25,834
Focus, Kelly. Focus.
246
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:28,400
All right. Now, watch me.
247
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:32,167
And a-five, six, seven, eight.
248
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:33,400
Hop, shuffle, step.
249
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,667
Fa-lap, ball change.
250
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:37,534
Now you.
251
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:45,667
Nerd, geek, dweeb,
da-weeb, nerd, dork.
252
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:46,667
Good, good.
253
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,734
See, you're starting
to feel it.
254
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:49,734
Now with me.
255
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:50,734
Miss Music, hit it.
256
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:52,367
A-five, six, seven, eight.
257
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:53,567
["ANYTHING GOES" PLAYING]
258
00:11:55,868 --> 00:11:58,133
Al, look at
our little girl.
259
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:00,934
We don't really
have to go
260
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:02,501
to a recital, do we?
261
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:05,801
Peg, remember
the Bundy credo:
262
00:12:05,801 --> 00:12:07,000
When one Bundy
is embarrassed,
263
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,968
the rest of us feel
better about ourselves.
264
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:16,767
Well, we're gonna be feeling
mighty good come showtime.
265
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:18,834
Hop, shuffle, step,
shuffle, step,
266
00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:20,000
shuffle, ball change,
ball change,
267
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,033
Hop, shuffle, step,
268
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:22,167
shuffle, step, shuffle, step,
269
00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:25,834
ball change, ball change,
cramp roll...
270
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:27,000
Bring it home, baby!
271
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,868
Bring it home!
272
00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:32,501
And the big finish!
273
00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:35,100
Oh!
274
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,367
Oh!
275
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,968
Oh, Steve!
276
00:12:41,968 --> 00:12:43,901
Yeah, I know, I know.
277
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:47,834
Kelly?
278
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,033
Kelly!
279
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:51,067
Don't do that!
280
00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:53,734
You can have fun
in those shoes.
281
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:55,133
See, your problem is
282
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:57,133
you're not tuned in to
the true spirit of tap
283
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,400
and what tap
can do for you.
284
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:01,501
Now, tap can be your
friend, you know,
285
00:13:01,501 --> 00:13:03,367
on those lonely nights
286
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,467
when the cool kids
287
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,767
don't invite you
to their parties.
288
00:13:07,767 --> 00:13:09,167
When everybody else
is out having fun,
289
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:11,334
but you're home, studying,
290
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:12,667
trying to make something
of yourself,
291
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:13,734
so that someday
292
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,868
you can own the best car
in the neighborhood.
293
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,868
And on those mornings
when you look in the mirror,
294
00:13:17,868 --> 00:13:21,567
and see a guy
who's pretty darn good-looking,
295
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:24,734
but shunned
because of his intelligence.
296
00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:26,434
But they'll be sorry someday,
297
00:13:26,434 --> 00:13:29,701
because everybody needs
a car or a home loan,
298
00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:34,133
and that's when they come
crawling on their bellies to me.
299
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:37,601
So I guess "Steve, Steve,
the school's pet peeve"
300
00:13:37,601 --> 00:13:39,767
is worth something after all.
301
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:42,734
So crawl, crawl, you paupers,
and kiss my--
302
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,033
Uh--
What?
303
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:44,901
Steve.
304
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:49,367
Oh.
305
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:51,334
Anyhow, the point is
306
00:13:51,334 --> 00:13:54,234
tap builds character
for people who need it.
307
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,334
I didn't. I was popular.
308
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:59,767
I played the accordion.
309
00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:02,734
Al, we've got to
do something.
310
00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,901
We cannot let her
turn out like this.
311
00:14:04,901 --> 00:14:07,167
Peg, if she doesn't tap,
she's out of school.
312
00:14:07,167 --> 00:14:10,534
Then she'll be home
all day with you.
313
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:12,501
And hop,
shuffle, step,
314
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:13,868
fa-lap,
ball change.
315
00:14:16,334 --> 00:14:18,334
Oh, very good.
316
00:14:18,334 --> 00:14:20,033
Very good.
317
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:22,367
Al, she dances
like a horse.
318
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:25,901
[APPLAUSE]
319
00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:32,501
That was fun, wasn't it?
320
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:35,801
My goodness,
that Newberger boy
321
00:14:35,801 --> 00:14:38,901
doesn't swallow
at all, does he?
322
00:14:38,901 --> 00:14:40,667
He gets some good distance, too.
323
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:45,634
Al, maybe
it's not too late
324
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,434
to get Kelly
out of this.
325
00:14:47,434 --> 00:14:49,901
Try saying something nice
to Principal Wicker.
326
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,567
You're looking
less ugly tonight.
327
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:59,133
If your daughter isn't great,
she's out of here
328
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,767
like spit
through a trumpet.
329
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,167
There's no
reaching her, Peg.
330
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,634
Oh, and by the way,
331
00:15:05,634 --> 00:15:07,434
a week ago I had
10 pairs of socks.
332
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:09,667
Now I have a red
and a green one.
333
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:10,868
I know you're
up to something.
334
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:11,968
All women are in it.
335
00:15:11,968 --> 00:15:13,601
It's a signal,
isn't it?
336
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:16,901
It means "a year
before we strike."
337
00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:19,133
Al, you're just
being paranoid.
338
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,601
I just know Kelly's going
to mix up my instructions.
339
00:15:41,601 --> 00:15:43,434
She's going to shuffle
when she should be balling.
340
00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:44,634
I just know it.
341
00:15:48,601 --> 00:15:49,968
Hop, shuffle, death.
342
00:15:49,968 --> 00:15:51,334
Hop, shuffle, fail.
343
00:15:51,334 --> 00:15:53,701
Hop, shuffle, bus station.
344
00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:54,701
[SIGHS]
345
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:55,934
Hi, Kel.
346
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:56,968
Gee,
347
00:15:56,968 --> 00:16:00,400
are your front teeth
starting to protrude?
348
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,968
Isn't that an early warning
sign of geekdom?
349
00:16:02,968 --> 00:16:04,901
How come no date tonight, Bud?
350
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:07,601
Couldn't get the wig on Buck?
351
00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:09,534
That's funny, Kel.
352
00:16:09,534 --> 00:16:10,934
Hey, can you do me
a favor?
353
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:12,334
Can you say...
"duh-eeee?"
354
00:16:14,834 --> 00:16:15,834
Oh, God!
355
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,901
It's him.
It's Bruno.
356
00:16:17,901 --> 00:16:20,334
If he sees me,
I'm going to die.
357
00:16:20,334 --> 00:16:21,767
Hey, Bruno, look.
358
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:22,834
It's Kelly.
359
00:16:22,834 --> 00:16:25,834
Hi, Kelly.
360
00:16:25,834 --> 00:16:26,834
I didn't
recognize you.
361
00:16:26,834 --> 00:16:29,167
How come you look
like a geek?
362
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:32,667
Well, it's, uh,
"Be Kind to Geek Week,"
363
00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:33,834
so, you know...
364
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,767
Oh, yeah, yeah.
365
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:37,234
Hey, did you see
Newberger out there
366
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:39,968
fizzing his way
across the stage?
367
00:16:39,968 --> 00:16:42,501
I wonder if he does lawns
on the weekends?
368
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:46,067
Listen, you don't want
to watch these geeks.
369
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:47,467
Why don't you
hit the parking lot
370
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:49,667
and pick out a car
we can take for a ride?
371
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:51,801
Hey, you know,
I'd love to,
372
00:16:51,801 --> 00:16:54,634
but, you know,
it's a parole violation.
373
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:56,033
I think I'll just
hang with you
374
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:56,934
and laugh at the nerds.
375
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:01,200
I'm laughing
already.
376
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,000
Uh-oh, Newberger's
talking to somebody.
377
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,200
I'd better
go use this mop
378
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,834
before they drown.
379
00:17:08,634 --> 00:17:09,501
Coming!
380
00:17:12,267 --> 00:17:15,000
Gee, Kel, what you
gonna to do now?
381
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,467
HOST:
And now, the Ganaywick sisters
382
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:18,367
will delight you
with their tap interpretation
383
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:21,100
of "Dueling Banjos."
384
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:25,267
[SLOW THUDDING]
385
00:17:25,267 --> 00:17:27,400
I'm doomed.
386
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,133
Listen, Kel,
387
00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:30,901
if it makes you
feel any better,
388
00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:32,367
I find this...
389
00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:34,701
very, very funny.
390
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,601
What am I doing?
391
00:17:36,601 --> 00:17:38,601
I'm not a tap dancer.
I mean, let's face it,
392
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:41,267
they're gonna throw me
out of school no matter what.
393
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:42,834
Well,
394
00:17:42,834 --> 00:17:44,434
one thing I've learned
from being a Bundy
395
00:17:44,434 --> 00:17:46,767
is if you're gonna lose,
lose big.
396
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:49,300
That's what Dad does,
397
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:50,801
and that's what I'm going to do.
398
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:53,000
Ah, what the hell.
399
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,567
I hate you,
but you're my sister,
400
00:17:55,567 --> 00:17:57,934
so if you need help,
you got it.
401
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:01,701
Hey, girlie...
402
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:05,033
how would you like
to keep your hair?
403
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:08,834
[CLAPPING]
404
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,400
She's next, Bundy. Ha ha!
405
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,734
Come on, Wicker.
406
00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:18,234
You're not really going
to make my daughter
407
00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:20,033
go through with this,
are you?
408
00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:22,634
Think back to when
you were a little girl...
409
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:23,701
roaming the range
410
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:28,100
with the rest
of the buffalo.
411
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:31,734
Scratching yourself
up against a tree.
412
00:18:31,734 --> 00:18:35,934
Trembling to the sound
of the iron horse.
413
00:18:35,934 --> 00:18:40,067
She dances
or she's expelled.
414
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,434
There's no
charming her, Peg.
415
00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:45,734
Before our next act,
please, please remember,
416
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:47,767
we need you
to contribute to our fund
417
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:50,634
for a new tap club bus.
418
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:53,901
And now I hope you'll welcome
our final act,
419
00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,434
Miss Kelly Bundy.
420
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:56,868
[APPLAUSE]
421
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,567
Where's the top hat?
Where's the cane?
422
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:10,801
["FEVER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
423
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:25,334
* I never know
How much I love you *
424
00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,901
* I never know
How much I care *
425
00:19:27,901 --> 00:19:31,934
* When you put
Your arms around me *
426
00:19:31,934 --> 00:19:34,200
* I get a fever
That's so hard to bear *
427
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:35,267
* You give me fever *
428
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,267
* When you kiss me *
429
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,467
* Fever when you
Hold me tight *
430
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,801
* Fever *
431
00:19:44,801 --> 00:19:46,334
* In the morning *
432
00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:47,601
* Fever all through the night *
433
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:54,801
She's not doing--
434
00:19:54,801 --> 00:19:57,701
She is not doing
what I told--
435
00:19:57,701 --> 00:19:58,767
Marcie...
436
00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:01,200
Take me, tap master.
437
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:05,968
* You give me fever *
438
00:20:05,968 --> 00:20:08,467
Hey!
Cut that out!
439
00:20:08,467 --> 00:20:09,734
My little girl's
up there.
440
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:11,534
She's liable
to see you.
441
00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:14,334
Peg, has everybody
lost their minds but us?
442
00:20:14,334 --> 00:20:16,400
* Never know
How much I love you *
443
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,701
* Never know how much I care *
444
00:20:19,701 --> 00:20:21,767
* When you put
Your arms around me *
445
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:23,133
Aah!
446
00:20:23,133 --> 00:20:25,334
* I get a fever
That's so hard to bear *
447
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:29,100
* You give me fever *
448
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,400
* When you kiss me *
449
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,000
* Fever when you
Hold me tight *
450
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,901
* Fever *
451
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,167
* In the morning *
452
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:39,067
* Fever all though the night *
453
00:20:41,367 --> 00:20:44,501
* Sun lights up the daytime *
454
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:47,634
* Moon lights up the night *
455
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:51,000
* I light up
When you call my name *
456
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,534
* And you know
I'm gonna treat you right *
457
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:54,601
* You give me fever *
458
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,033
* When you kiss me *
459
00:20:59,033 --> 00:21:01,968
* Fever when you
Hold me tight *
460
00:21:01,968 --> 00:21:04,467
* Fever *
461
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:05,467
* In the morning *
462
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,868
* Fever all through the night *
463
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:14,667
* Everybody's got the fever *
464
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:18,067
* That is something
You all know *
465
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:21,200
* Fever isn't
Such a new thing *
466
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,133
* Fever started long ago *
467
00:21:31,701 --> 00:21:33,567
* Ah **
468
00:21:46,901 --> 00:21:49,367
Well, we're done.
469
00:21:49,367 --> 00:21:51,400
Where did everybody go?
470
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:55,901
Wasn't that nice?
471
00:22:08,801 --> 00:22:10,734
Oh, oh, thank you.
472
00:22:10,734 --> 00:22:11,734
Thank you.
473
00:22:11,734 --> 00:22:14,434
She's our best student,
you know.
474
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:15,300
Oh.
475
00:22:16,334 --> 00:22:18,067
She bit me
on the neck, Peg!
476
00:22:18,067 --> 00:22:19,968
Now I'll live forever!
477
00:22:19,968 --> 00:22:21,534
Oh, no!
478
00:22:21,534 --> 00:22:23,767
[APPLAUSE]
479
00:22:23,767 --> 00:22:25,200
BUD:
Kelly, help me!
480
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,801
Please, please!
481
00:22:26,801 --> 00:22:28,901
A Ganaywick
sister has me!
482
00:22:28,901 --> 00:22:30,367
Help!
483
00:22:45,868 --> 00:22:47,701
[***]1
00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:07,901
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:12,434
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,033
Nuh!
4
00:01:33,534 --> 00:01:35,033
Peg!
5
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:37,934
Dinner!
6
00:01:37,934 --> 00:01:39,801
Peg no home.
7
00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:45,434
She go shop.
We no eat.
8
00:01:45,434 --> 00:01:47,934
Kelly, why don't you cook up
old Dad something to eat?
9
00:01:47,934 --> 00:01:50,634
Daddy, I am practically a woman.
10
00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:52,367
I don't cook.
11
00:01:52,367 --> 00:01:55,300
Why don't you just do
what I do when I get hungry?
12
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:57,033
Get a date.
13
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,934
And slit your skirt
up to your chin.
14
00:02:03,901 --> 00:02:06,067
Bud, you don't date.
How do you eat?
15
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:08,234
Well, just like
the proud Indian,
16
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:09,901
I've learned
to live off the land.
17
00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:12,200
Now, for instance, well,
let me show you what I mean.
18
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:14,868
Now...
19
00:02:16,434 --> 00:02:19,100
you see this crack
between the stove and the wall?
20
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,968
Every now and then,
I'll find, say...a fuzzy M&M.
21
00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:23,000
Now...
22
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,167
you just peel
the protective coating,
23
00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:29,567
and you've got a nice little
dose of simple carbohydrates,
24
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,334
and don't throw away
that colorful shell.
25
00:02:31,334 --> 00:02:33,367
It makes a hearty base for soup.
26
00:02:34,934 --> 00:02:37,367
Well, then, I'll get the hanger,
and a little piece of gum,
27
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:38,267
and a-hunting we will go.
28
00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:43,033
Oh, hi, Kelly.
29
00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:45,701
Honey, help me hide these
before your father gets home.
30
00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:49,567
Oh, ha ha.
31
00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:50,834
Hi, Al.
32
00:02:50,834 --> 00:02:52,601
Thanks, Peg.
33
00:02:52,601 --> 00:02:56,567
I had a French fry on the hook,
and you made me drop it.
34
00:02:58,634 --> 00:03:00,534
It'll be there tomorrow.
35
00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:02,734
You know, I have a bone
to pick with you, Al.
36
00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:05,133
There wouldn't be
any meat on it, would there?
37
00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:07,467
No.
38
00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:09,100
I am really upset.
39
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,501
I went shopping today.
40
00:03:10,501 --> 00:03:12,400
You know, spending here,
spending there,
41
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,400
to warm up
to some serious shopping.
42
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,434
Well, just when
I was loose and ready...
43
00:03:17,434 --> 00:03:20,234
Bam! You ran out of money.
44
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,968
Look at these bags.
45
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,601
This is what you make, Al.
46
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,067
All of it.
47
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:31,701
I must be
the most patient woman on Earth.
48
00:03:31,701 --> 00:03:34,968
Kids, I am sorry
you had to hear this.
49
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:37,267
Oh, I wasn't listening, Mom.
50
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:39,868
Oh, um, Dad, could we have
some money to go out to dinner?
51
00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:41,167
Kids, today's Thursday.
52
00:03:41,167 --> 00:03:44,334
You know
we don't eat till Friday.
53
00:03:44,334 --> 00:03:47,167
Al, you are a total disgrace.
54
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:48,868
Come here, kids.
55
00:03:48,868 --> 00:03:50,000
Here you go.
56
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,367
You can always depend on Mom.
57
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:52,801
Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Mom.
58
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:02,033
There. You happy, Al?
59
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,000
Now, I'm broke too.
60
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,701
Well, we may as well
face it.
61
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:08,801
We just can't make it as
a single income family anymore.
62
00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:11,567
Me and the girls
talked about it over lunch,
63
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:12,868
and we all agree,
64
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:16,100
you'll just have to
get a second job.
65
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,934
You're that afraid
I'll live out the year, Peg?
66
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,367
What's wrong
with you getting a second job?
67
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:24,834
Peg, let me state this
as clearly as I can.
68
00:04:24,834 --> 00:04:28,567
I would rather rip off my nose
with a can opener.
69
00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:31,300
I would rather
bob for apples in a sewer.
70
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:36,000
I would rather have a catheter
the size of a garden hose...
71
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,234
before I get another job
to pay for your shopping.
72
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:42,300
Think it over.
We'll talk about it later.
73
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:45,033
Damn ants got the gum.
74
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:47,300
I have to get
one of my fishing rods.
75
00:04:48,601 --> 00:04:50,000
Oh, and Peg,
by the way,
76
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,767
have I told you today
that I loved you?
77
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:53,801
No, Al.
78
00:04:59,868 --> 00:05:02,300
Hi, Peggy.
79
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,801
I know it's dinner time,
80
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:07,033
but I wanted to catch you
before you called in your order.
81
00:05:07,033 --> 00:05:08,300
Gee, I'm glad you're here.
82
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,133
I am working on a way
to increase our income.
83
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,200
Oh, you looking
for a job?
84
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,734
Oh, come on.
85
00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:16,167
It's for Al.
86
00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:19,033
He really needs a second job.
87
00:05:19,033 --> 00:05:20,767
I mean, he comes home from work,
88
00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:24,834
and has nothing to do
but sit back and watch that TV.
89
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:27,701
That's no kind of life
for a man.
90
00:05:27,701 --> 00:05:30,167
This should revitalize him.
91
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:31,467
Hey!
92
00:05:31,467 --> 00:05:34,701
"Chicken plucker."
93
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:37,334
Pays more than a shoe salesman.
94
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:38,601
Uh-oh.
95
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:41,300
"Must have good personality."
96
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:43,300
Oh, well.
97
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:44,767
Hmm, "sperm donors."
98
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:52,667
Whoops. They want someone
with experience.
99
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,234
You know,
100
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:56,701
I have a friend that runs
a pit-bull-training school.
101
00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:58,434
Does Al have a protective cup?
102
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:02,067
What for?
103
00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:04,100
I'll put it down as a maybe.
104
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,167
Yeah, well,
think about it.
105
00:06:05,167 --> 00:06:06,534
He could
work his way up
106
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,868
to the guy with
the tranquilizer gun.
107
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,167
Mm, I don't know.
108
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:12,567
Al's aim
isn't very good.
109
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:14,434
You've seen
our bathroom.
110
00:06:19,033 --> 00:06:20,901
And your children.
111
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,901
Now, this looks perfect.
112
00:06:29,901 --> 00:06:31,501
"No skills,
no experience,
113
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:34,300
no brain required."
114
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:37,100
Well, that's everything
but his name.
115
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,133
Listen.
116
00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:40,667
"The Patty Brite company
is looking for you
117
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,567
"to distribute
an exciting new line
118
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,267
"of Patty Brite cosmetics.
119
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:46,167
"Unlimited
growth potential,
120
00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:49,400
work in your own home,
earn lots of S's."
121
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,501
Those are dollar signs, Peg.
122
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:55,267
Even better!
123
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:56,834
Then it's settled.
124
00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,567
Al is gonna be a Patty girl.
125
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,467
Don't you think you
should check with Al?
126
00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:01,567
Hey.
127
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:04,234
I did not have two children
checking with Al.
128
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,467
Generally, we feel
129
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:09,801
you are your own
best advertisement,
130
00:07:09,801 --> 00:07:12,701
so we like our Patty girls
to wear our cosmetics.
131
00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:16,234
Would your husband have
a problem wearing makeup?
132
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:20,467
Madam, my husband
sells women's shoes.
133
00:07:20,467 --> 00:07:22,300
Oh.
134
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,367
Well, at least
135
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:25,167
that shows
he'll do anything.
136
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,501
Ugh...
137
00:07:32,901 --> 00:07:35,701
Very good.
138
00:07:35,701 --> 00:07:37,834
And, after a few months
of selling Patty products,
139
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:39,868
he'll be able
to dump that day job.
140
00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:41,567
I dumped my day job.
141
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,000
What was your day job?
142
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,367
Phone sex.
143
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,601
You make that much?
144
00:07:49,601 --> 00:07:51,868
Oh, this is too good for Al.
Tell me more.
145
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:54,601
Well, there are
the Patty parties.
146
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:55,767
You go to parties?
147
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,434
That's the job.
148
00:07:57,434 --> 00:07:58,667
You see,
you throw parties,
149
00:07:58,667 --> 00:07:59,801
have your friends over,
150
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,567
then watch the products
sell themselves
151
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,234
while you just sit
and do nothing.
152
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:07,801
Well, I can do that.
153
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:11,267
And to think
I was just giving it away.
154
00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,667
Well, what do I need
to start?
155
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:16,567
Just a deep and abiding
belief in makeup,
156
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:20,934
and our super-deluxe
"Patty party starter" kit.
157
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,300
Well, how much
does that cost?
158
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:23,901
$250.
159
00:08:23,901 --> 00:08:25,834
Oh, but that's just
a drop in the bucket
160
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:27,767
compared to your first
month's commish.
161
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:30,734
Well, just how much commish
are we talking about?
162
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:35,801
Whoa!
163
00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:36,934
Will you take a check?
164
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,100
Sure.
165
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,434
Does it have to be good?
166
00:08:39,434 --> 00:08:40,901
No.
167
00:08:40,901 --> 00:08:43,801
We'll just put a lien
against your husband's wages.
168
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:45,000
I'm in!
169
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:45,968
[BOTH LAUGHING]
170
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:49,467
PEGGY: Yes,
171
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,567
I did get last week's commish,
172
00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:55,634
and a nice commish it was too.
173
00:08:55,634 --> 00:08:58,167
Okay, here's this week's order.
174
00:08:58,167 --> 00:09:01,000
One dozen Patty powder puffs,
175
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,200
a quart of Chin-Away,
176
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,667
one dozen
177
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,334
"He'll Think It's
Someone Else's Eyes" liner,
178
00:09:08,334 --> 00:09:10,501
and one vat of "Unh" Perfume...
179
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:16,133
in addition to my regular order.
180
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,667
Okay, thanks,
181
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:21,667
and you have a Patty day too!
182
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,667
That was delicious, Daddy.
183
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,334
Oh, yeah.
184
00:09:25,334 --> 00:09:27,000
We're sorry
you didn't have enough money
185
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,567
for you to eat, Dad.
186
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:30,767
Well, that's okay.
187
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:33,701
That sugar water
really filled me up.
188
00:09:33,701 --> 00:09:36,300
What matters is that you two
had a nice, nutritious meal.
189
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:38,167
I just hope
my begging and whining
190
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:39,767
didn't bother you.
191
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:43,267
Well, not after we had
the waiter kick you out.
192
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:45,501
Al, can I ask you something?
193
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:49,000
No, we can't
have any more children.
194
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,567
Not that.
195
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:54,133
If ever the day should come
when I find a little job,
196
00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:56,334
is it all right
if I keep the money I make?
197
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,033
Peg, if ever the day should come
198
00:09:58,033 --> 00:10:00,334
when somebody pays you
for what you do,
199
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:01,567
grab it and spend it quickly,
200
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:05,234
because the world
is coming to an end.
201
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:06,968
Thank you, Al.
202
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:08,067
Thank you.
203
00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:11,167
Look what I made.
204
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,667
Look,
it's a check...
205
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,100
with Mom's name
on it.
206
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,968
We love you, Mommy.
207
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:22,901
Save your breath.
208
00:10:22,901 --> 00:10:24,934
Daddy said
I could keep it.
209
00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:26,100
Okay, Peg.
210
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,734
I know that Oprah
isn't paying people
211
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:30,067
to watch her show
with their mouths open,
212
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,534
so how'd you
get the money?
213
00:10:31,534 --> 00:10:34,067
I'm a Patty Brite girl.
214
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,934
I sell cosmetics
in my spare time.
215
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:38,801
So it's a full-time job?
216
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:44,934
No, but it's full-time pay.
217
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:48,167
Gee, Dad, Mom
makes more than you.
218
00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:52,601
Do we still have
to call him "Dad"?
219
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:55,033
Or do we
call you "Dad"?
220
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:57,934
Well, I think
the check speaks for itself.
221
00:10:57,934 --> 00:11:00,234
Let's go to the mall now.
You can watch me spend.
222
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:05,901
Dad, can you
pinpoint for us
223
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:08,901
the exact moment that
life passed you by?
224
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:11,834
Son, life didn't pass me by...
225
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:15,200
it sat on my head.
226
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,667
Well, I still
love you, Daddy.
227
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,767
I just don't have
any respect for you.
228
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,834
Well, pumpkin,
the feeling is mutual.
229
00:11:22,834 --> 00:11:23,701
Aw.
230
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,968
Oh, don't worry, Al.
231
00:11:26,968 --> 00:11:29,534
It's not like I'm going
to rub your nose in it.
232
00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:33,267
[SHOUTING]
Everyone, guess what!
233
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:35,534
I make more money
than my husband!
234
00:11:46,033 --> 00:11:48,968
Well, I guess
when you come right down to it,
235
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:51,934
all a guy has is his dog.
236
00:11:51,934 --> 00:11:53,200
[GROWLS]
237
00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:25,767
WOMAN:
Well, Al,
238
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,501
what do you want to be
when you grow up?
239
00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:31,634
YOUNG AL:
President of the United States.
240
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:34,534
WOMAN:
Then someday you will.
241
00:12:35,968 --> 00:12:37,067
Yeah, right, Mom.
242
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,634
Try saying that
when you're sober.
243
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
244
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,033
Oh, what do you want, Steve?
245
00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:51,033
I was about to eat
and fight cavities.
246
00:12:54,734 --> 00:12:57,167
I just heard the news
about Peggy's income.
247
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:59,234
Well, actually,
I didn't hear it.
248
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:02,667
The neighborhood women
spray-painted it on your car.
249
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:04,567
You sure it was paint?
250
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,367
Or was it man blood?
251
00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:08,868
Aw, buck up, Al.
252
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:10,567
So Peggy's got a
bigger income than you.
253
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:11,734
So what?
254
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:14,234
Does that make you
less of a man?
255
00:13:14,234 --> 00:13:16,801
Oh, sure, if you believe
what's written on your car.
256
00:13:16,801 --> 00:13:18,634
But, that aside, there
are plenty of positives
257
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:19,968
to a two-income family.
258
00:13:19,968 --> 00:13:23,567
Like what, begging the wife
for some extra cash?
259
00:13:23,567 --> 00:13:25,534
Well, if you
ask her just right,
260
00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:28,934
you can walk away
with some nice pin money.
261
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:30,801
I know,
you give up a little--
262
00:13:30,801 --> 00:13:32,868
Steve, you've seen my life.
263
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,334
A little is all I've got.
264
00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:37,868
I know, Al,
265
00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:39,601
but the important thing is,
266
00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:42,834
women have to work
for their self-esteem.
267
00:13:42,834 --> 00:13:44,334
I'm proud of Marcie.
268
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:47,033
I mean, even if we have to
share the cooking duties
269
00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:49,501
because she's tired from work.
270
00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:53,267
Of course, my mother worked
and she cooked every day.
271
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,067
Good too.
272
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,334
Not like those
frozen fish sticks
273
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:59,367
and Tater Tots
Marcie calls dinner.
274
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,367
But I'm happy.
275
00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:05,133
Yep, I'm just a...
276
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:10,400
A happy Tater-Totting,
fish-sticking man.
277
00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:18,100
Pretty pathetic,
Steve.
278
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:19,567
No kidding.
279
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,100
Well, at least
yours has a skill.
280
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:24,133
I mean, if Peggy could
nag in sign language,
281
00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:27,601
she wouldn't need
a head at all.
282
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:29,767
How can she
earn more than me?
283
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:30,634
I can't...
284
00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:37,434
Would you like some floss
with that, Steve?
285
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,734
I can't let her beat me.
286
00:14:41,734 --> 00:14:42,834
What I have to do
287
00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,634
is get a second job
and not tell Peg.
288
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,868
That way, I'll seem like
I'm a better salesman than her,
289
00:14:46,868 --> 00:14:48,968
and I'll get back
my self-respect.
290
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:09,033
CAPTAIN [OVER INTERCOM]:
Beam me up a burger, Bundy,
warp speed.
291
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:11,400
People out there
dying for kangaroo, huh?
292
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:16,400
That's right.
Tell the world, Bundy.
293
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:33,434
Ah...
294
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:43,501
You didn't make
the noise, Bundy.
295
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:47,834
Whoosh.
296
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,033
Hey...
297
00:15:54,033 --> 00:15:56,267
we got a lot of unhappy
passengers out there,
298
00:15:56,267 --> 00:15:58,167
crewman Bundy.
299
00:15:58,167 --> 00:15:59,601
Talk to me
like a person.
300
00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:02,868
Oh, um, like, okay, like,
old dude...
301
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,334
um, I had to leave the bridge
to tell you this, but, um,
302
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,501
we've had lots of complaints
about this burger.
303
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:11,534
What's wrong?
304
00:16:11,534 --> 00:16:13,033
You tell me what's wrong.
305
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:15,033
Some pouch get in there?
306
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,934
Look, there's no place at
Burger Trek for a rebel, Bundy.
307
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,534
Come on, you know,
we've got, like,
308
00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:23,567
a mission to accomplish.
309
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,467
BOTH:
To go where no burger
has gone before.
310
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:28,934
Okay. Yeah, right.
That's good.
311
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:32,934
Well, let's just start
from the beginning, okay?
312
00:16:32,934 --> 00:16:34,801
What goes on
a hamburger?
313
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:37,200
Tomato, onion,
ketchup, pickle,
314
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,968
and a squirt
of beef squeezings.
315
00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:42,734
Okay, now, that is
our special sauce, Bundy,
316
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:43,834
and that goes on last.
317
00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:45,100
You've been putting yours on
first,
318
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:48,567
and it's been washing
the coloring off the tomatoes.
319
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:52,501
Get with the program, Bundy.
320
00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:54,267
You're a disgrace to the hat.
321
00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:56,334
Aw, clean your station.
322
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,300
Marry a redhead.
323
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:12,000
[GROANS]
324
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:15,767
You know,
when I took this job,
325
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,300
they didn't say
anything about cooking.
326
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:22,934
Ugh.
327
00:17:32,934 --> 00:17:36,968
Oh, there's some
burger fur in there.
328
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,667
And why isn't
Bundy doing this?
329
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:41,601
The captain didn't think
he was ready.
330
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:43,934
I mean, look at
the poor old guy.
331
00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:46,467
I mean,
why would
332
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,501
a 60-year-old man
333
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:51,901
want to work
in this dump?
334
00:17:51,901 --> 00:17:53,167
To meet chicks.
335
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:03,267
Oh, Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.
336
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,367
Whoosh!
337
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:10,100
No, no, no, no.
It's not that.
338
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:13,300
Look. You pulled
another burger boner.
339
00:18:15,434 --> 00:18:17,567
What did I do,
send one out hot?
340
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,634
No, you sent one out
without onions.
341
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:21,267
Damn.
342
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,400
Look, Bundy,
343
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,834
hey, I'm not a bad guy.
344
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,901
Let's just talk, like,
you know, dude to dude, okay?
345
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:29,100
See, I'm up on the bridge,
346
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:30,534
and I'm trying
to do my homework.
347
00:18:30,534 --> 00:18:32,567
I mean, what do you
want me to do, like,
348
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:37,033
flunk out of school and become,
like, a bum or a shoe salesman?
349
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:41,000
Look. Look,
just get back to work.
350
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,334
God, I never should
have fired my dad.
351
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:50,801
Would the crewman
who overflowed the toilet
352
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:53,334
please report
to the bridge?
353
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,400
Here's another
commission check
354
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,067
from Patty Brite
cosmetics.
355
00:19:06,067 --> 00:19:07,801
How does she do it, Steve?
356
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:09,067
How can she make more money
357
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:12,100
than a man who sells
shoes and burgers?
358
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:16,968
Al, I made more than you
losing a tooth when I was a kid.
359
00:19:19,634 --> 00:19:23,300
Well, how would you like to make
a fortune tonight, Steve?
360
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,000
I can't believe it.
361
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,801
She can't sell
more than me.
362
00:19:30,801 --> 00:19:33,501
Her customers
must be morons.
363
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:34,734
A list of idiots
like that
364
00:19:34,734 --> 00:19:35,934
could really
be worth a fortune
365
00:19:35,934 --> 00:19:37,334
to a good salesman.
366
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:40,968
Damn! I wish I could
find that list.
367
00:19:40,968 --> 00:19:42,334
Well, maybe
there's a clue
368
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:45,367
in this book that says,
"Peggy's customers."
369
00:19:45,367 --> 00:19:48,901
Give me that, Steve.
That might be it.
370
00:19:48,901 --> 00:19:50,334
Now, get a pen,
write this down.
371
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:52,534
Ah! Here we go.
372
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:54,033
"Peggy Bundy,
373
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:55,367
"Peggy Bundy,
374
00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:57,868
Peggy Bundy."
375
00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,901
Ah, here it is.
376
00:19:59,901 --> 00:20:01,534
"Peggy Bundy."
377
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,334
Look, Al, why don't
we just skip over her
378
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:04,334
and get to the people
379
00:20:04,334 --> 00:20:05,334
who actually
bought the cosmetics.
380
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:06,601
Alrighty.
381
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:08,300
"Peggy Bundy,
382
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,901
"Peggy Bundy,
383
00:20:09,901 --> 00:20:12,334
Peggy Bundy."
384
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:15,267
She's her own
customer, Steve!
385
00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:17,801
All this time she's been
buying all this stuff herself.
386
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:19,000
[LAUGHS]
387
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,267
Al, your life is pathetic.
388
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:25,567
MARCIE:
Steve!
389
00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:27,734
The fish sticks
are thawing!
390
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,734
Carp tonight.
391
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:39,601
Yum!
392
00:20:47,601 --> 00:20:48,634
Oh, Peg!
393
00:20:48,634 --> 00:20:51,067
Could you come here a minute,
please?
394
00:20:52,934 --> 00:20:54,767
What is it, Al?
395
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:56,267
Did I get another
commission check?
396
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:59,167
Did I? Did I? Huh? Huh?
397
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:00,200
Yes, you did.
398
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,300
Whee!
399
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,601
Yes, "whee" indeed.
400
00:21:04,601 --> 00:21:06,300
Peg, since you're now
an entrepreneur,
401
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,100
I thought it might
be a good idea
402
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,067
for you to learn something
about business.
403
00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,801
From you?
404
00:21:12,801 --> 00:21:15,501
Why not? You've taken
everything else from me.
405
00:21:15,501 --> 00:21:18,434
You see, pookie,
406
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:21,601
since you're the only one
buying your cosmetics,
407
00:21:21,601 --> 00:21:23,000
you're not really
making any money.
408
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,033
Oh, yes, I am.
409
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,534
They send me checks.
410
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:27,701
Ah, yes,
411
00:21:27,701 --> 00:21:29,734
but you send them
much bigger ones,
412
00:21:29,734 --> 00:21:32,267
and that's what we call
in the world of business
413
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:35,267
"sending your husband
rocketing to the poorhouse."
414
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:39,033
Why didn't you
sell any makeup, Peg?
415
00:21:39,033 --> 00:21:41,834
Well, like
I told the girls,
416
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:44,767
it's not very good.
417
00:21:44,767 --> 00:21:46,801
Well, then, why did
you keep buying it?
418
00:21:46,801 --> 00:21:49,501
'Cause that's how
I make my money.
419
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:56,267
How much do we owe
for the cosmetics, Peg?
420
00:21:56,267 --> 00:21:57,701
Minus my commission?
421
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:00,467
Yes.
422
00:22:02,267 --> 00:22:05,968
$623.
423
00:22:05,968 --> 00:22:10,200
Well, at least you're
not in real estate.
424
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,501
Where you going?
425
00:22:11,501 --> 00:22:13,334
We owe a lot of money, Peg.
426
00:22:13,334 --> 00:22:15,200
I know what I have to do.
427
00:22:21,133 --> 00:22:24,334
CAPTAIN: You didn't
make the noise, Bundy.
428
00:22:28,234 --> 00:22:29,667
Whoosh.
429
00:22:43,601 --> 00:22:45,601
[***]1
00:00:04,133 --> 00:00:08,200
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,901 --> 00:01:12,000
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:34,133 --> 00:01:35,534
Kids!
4
00:01:35,534 --> 00:01:37,667
Let's prove to your mom
once and for all
5
00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,901
that you don't need food
to eat good!
6
00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:42,667
And what'd you find
for the Bundy snack tray?
7
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,834
Three M&Ms, a crouton,
8
00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:46,234
and this.
9
00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:51,234
I found it in the cuff
of my pants.
10
00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:54,634
Well, cut the tail off
and throw it in the pot.
11
00:01:54,634 --> 00:01:57,100
Kelly, how were the pickings
in the basement?
12
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,334
Um, I got a half-eaten
piece of cheese
13
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:01,067
from the mousetrap.
14
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,868
Too bad we couldn't
get the mouse.
15
00:02:03,868 --> 00:02:05,000
Anything else?
16
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,834
Oh, yeah. I got
a half a dozen
17
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:07,834
of these large raisins
18
00:02:07,834 --> 00:02:10,834
that were scattered
by the trap.
19
00:02:15,133 --> 00:02:18,934
Well, let's save these babies
for Christmas.
20
00:02:18,934 --> 00:02:21,033
We'll put them
in Grandma's fruitcake.
21
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,634
Now, we'll combine
the rest of this stuff
22
00:02:24,634 --> 00:02:26,901
with the Froot Loops
that I fought the dog over,
23
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,067
and we'll have ourselves
24
00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:30,367
some nice little
yummy Bundy trail mix.
25
00:02:32,434 --> 00:02:33,601
Well, I don't know, Dad.
26
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:35,367
I like the way Mom
makes the stuff.
27
00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:36,934
Well, so do I, Bud,
but...
28
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:39,734
we're out of cough syrup.
29
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:41,167
All right, let's go,
everybody sit down.
30
00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:43,300
Your mom should be home
any minute with the tapes,
31
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:44,901
and then, it's
"Bundy night at the movies."
32
00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:46,234
After that,
33
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,834
it's "Bundy night
in the bathroom."
34
00:02:50,968 --> 00:02:53,367
We never get to rent
any good movies.
35
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,667
You know why?
36
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:57,834
Because we are the last family
on Earth with Beta.
37
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,567
Yeah, Dad.
38
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,934
Why can't we get
a VHS machine?
39
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,100
I mean, we're missing
a lot of good movies.
40
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,968
I heard they made
a second Godfather.
41
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:08,968
Hey,
42
00:03:08,968 --> 00:03:10,734
if it was any good,
43
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:13,234
it would have been
on Beta.
44
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,400
Come on, kids.
45
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,767
We're gonna watch
a movie,
46
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:17,367
we've got munchies,
and we've got each other.
47
00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:18,601
What more
could we ask for?
48
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:20,968
Hope.
49
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,434
Food.
Pride.
50
00:03:22,434 --> 00:03:23,734
Heat.
An alias.
51
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:24,801
Underwear.
52
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:29,901
Yeah. An annulment.
53
00:03:29,901 --> 00:03:31,767
All right, so our life stinks.
54
00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:33,367
At least we're going
to have movies.
55
00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:34,767
I sent your mother
56
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:38,000
to Bob's Betas and Bell
Bottoms in Milwaukee.
57
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,834
How come Mom can cross
state lines, and I can't?
58
00:03:40,834 --> 00:03:42,534
Because your Mom didn't go
59
00:03:42,534 --> 00:03:44,634
in a van with a bumper
sticker that read,
60
00:03:44,634 --> 00:03:47,901
"Don't come a-knockin' if you
see this van a-rockin'."
61
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:52,634
That could be taken
a lot of different ways.
62
00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:53,634
Mm-hmm.
63
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,133
And so can you.
64
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,801
AL: Well,
it's about time.
65
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:02,968
What do we have,
66
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:04,501
The Predator,
The Terminator?
67
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:08,400
Oh, Heavenly Dog!?
68
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,968
Peg, I wanted Schwarzenegger.
69
00:04:09,968 --> 00:04:11,434
So did I,
70
00:04:11,434 --> 00:04:14,000
but I got you,
and you got Beta.
71
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:18,701
Al, I am really upset
with your wife.
72
00:04:18,701 --> 00:04:19,801
Kill her.
73
00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:26,934
Anyhow, I'm getting off I-94,
74
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,100
listening to Toscanini
75
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,467
blend precisely with the sound
76
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:33,100
of my fine
German automotive machinery,
77
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:36,968
when a reckless driver
cut me off.
78
00:04:36,968 --> 00:04:39,334
Well, live and let live, I say,
79
00:04:39,334 --> 00:04:41,801
but when I pull up next to him
at the light,
80
00:04:41,801 --> 00:04:45,000
your wife leans over
and gives him the finger.
81
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,234
[CHEERING]
82
00:04:46,234 --> 00:04:47,868
All right, Mom,
way to go!
83
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:50,000
I would've done
the same thing.
84
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,200
Uh, excuse me,
85
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,968
but before
the Neanderthal jamboree
86
00:04:53,968 --> 00:04:55,300
really kicks in...
87
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,300
I might mention that the guy
88
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:01,334
had a bumper sticker
that said "I heart San Quentin."
89
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,300
Did you spit
on the hood?
90
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,634
Well, I spit
in that direction,
91
00:05:04,634 --> 00:05:06,501
but Steve's
window was up.
92
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:12,567
Yeah, yeah, enjoy, enjoy,
but I'm the guy he followed.
93
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:13,834
God, I hope I lost him.
94
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,567
Well, of course I lost him
95
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:21,033
with those defensive
driving moves I made.
96
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,300
You see, a fine automobile
97
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,834
in the hands of a man
with catlike reflexes--
98
00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:27,567
Hey, there is
a guy stopping here.
99
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:29,467
Oh, my God,
it could be him!
100
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:32,934
Look at the size of him.
101
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:36,000
He looks like acid must've been
thrown in his face.
102
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,601
This guy's fresh out
of the asylum!
103
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:38,601
[CAR HORN HONKS]
104
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:40,601
Oh, that's my date.
105
00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,200
Bye.
106
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,567
Have a good time, honey.
107
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:46,701
Thanks.
108
00:05:48,868 --> 00:05:50,968
Hey, here's another car.
109
00:05:50,968 --> 00:05:53,400
He's slowing down.
Now he's coming...
110
00:05:55,801 --> 00:05:57,133
That's him.
111
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:59,400
There's the "I heart
San Quentin" bumper sticker.
112
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,033
He wrote down
my license plate number.
113
00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:01,901
He's pulling away.
114
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,300
Hey, you!
115
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,567
Yeah, you found us.
116
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:10,701
So, what are you going
to do about it?
117
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:12,767
Come on, you nose rag.
118
00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:15,534
Anytime.
119
00:06:15,534 --> 00:06:20,033
You know, every now and then,
she makes me so proud.
120
00:06:20,033 --> 00:06:23,567
Gee, Mr. Rhoades,
you seem scared.
121
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:24,834
Oh, I'm not scared,
really.
122
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:25,968
I mean, you know me,
123
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,634
I'm not a man
who runs from trouble.
124
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:29,767
Trouble troubles me,
I trouble trouble.
125
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:30,767
[DOORBELL RINGS]
126
00:06:30,767 --> 00:06:31,634
It's trouble.
127
00:06:33,501 --> 00:06:34,734
Steve?
128
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:38,133
What's going on?
129
00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:39,767
I just got back
from the video store,
130
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:40,868
and I noticed
131
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,367
your car smelled
like chicken,
132
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:43,734
but when
I looked closer,
133
00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:47,367
I found six pigeons
roasting on your radiator.
134
00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:50,567
I told you
not to drive through the park.
135
00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:53,267
Oh, now
life means something to you.
136
00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:55,634
Hot pigeons, you say?
137
00:06:58,801 --> 00:06:59,968
Bud?
138
00:06:59,968 --> 00:07:02,767
I'm way ahead of you, Dad.
139
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,634
Steve, are you okay?
You look pale.
140
00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:13,067
Oh, my God.
You didn't eat here, did you?
141
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:18,634
No, I couldn't decide
which color wine goes with slop.
142
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:19,901
Believe me, Marcie, I'm fine.
143
00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:21,934
Hey. Tapes.
144
00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:25,100
Look,
The Predator, Dirty Harry,
145
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:26,501
Judy's Huge Date?
146
00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:30,767
Those are
private tapes, Al.
147
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:32,701
Well, why can't we get
tapes like these, Peg?
148
00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:33,968
They're VHS, Al.
149
00:07:33,968 --> 00:07:35,701
Well, of course they're VHS.
150
00:07:35,701 --> 00:07:38,167
Only an idiot would own Beta.
151
00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:40,701
Or someone
who believes
152
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:42,467
a woman's orgasm
is brought on
153
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:45,634
by yelling,
"C'mon, will ya?"
154
00:07:53,634 --> 00:07:55,534
What happened to your date?
155
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:57,634
He wanted to study,
156
00:07:57,634 --> 00:08:01,133
so I just had to tell him
I am not that kind of girl.
157
00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:06,067
Hey, guys! The Colonel's here!
158
00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:09,868
Oh, Steve,
let's go home.
159
00:08:09,868 --> 00:08:11,634
If they don't have
a virgin to sacrifice,
160
00:08:11,634 --> 00:08:13,934
they may turn on us.
161
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:15,567
Uh, listen, Marcie.
162
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:17,133
I've been thinking.
163
00:08:17,133 --> 00:08:19,400
We don't have the Bundys
over at our house nearly enough.
164
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,601
That's your rule, Steve.
165
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,968
Remember the speech
that began, quote,
166
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,367
"I'd watch a colorized version
of Casablanca
167
00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:31,334
before I'd let those--"
Yeah, I know, I know.
168
00:08:31,334 --> 00:08:34,634
Um... But I just think
it would be a nice gesture
169
00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:36,467
for us to share our VHS format
170
00:08:36,467 --> 00:08:38,300
with our neighbors
and good friends, the Bundys.
171
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,767
What do you say, guys?
172
00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:42,767
Well, pigeon is better
the second day.
173
00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:43,667
Let's go!
174
00:08:46,634 --> 00:08:48,400
What's this
all about, Steve?
175
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,467
Nothing, I just want
176
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,267
to spend an evening or two
with good friends.
177
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:52,701
Hey, Kel,
some guy's going
178
00:08:52,701 --> 00:08:54,300
to beat the tar
out of Mr. Rhoades.
179
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:55,167
Oh, cool.
180
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:57,968
And then there's that.
181
00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:04,000
[TIRES SCREECH]
182
00:09:06,467 --> 00:09:07,968
[EXPLOSION]
183
00:09:07,968 --> 00:09:11,200
Ah, Peg, this is just like
being in a real theater.
184
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,667
Yeah, but here, Bud
isn't on the floor
185
00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:16,367
trying to look up
girls' dresses.
186
00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:17,234
Shh.
187
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,634
You know, Marcie,
that jerk just cut me off.
188
00:09:21,634 --> 00:09:24,400
Didn't even look,
just cut me off.
189
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,601
You know, if he had just
190
00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:27,400
gotten out of his car
when it had happened,
191
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,601
he and I could have settled it
mano a mano.
192
00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:31,601
You're more of a man
193
00:09:31,601 --> 00:09:33,100
for having
walked away, Steve.
194
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,334
Oh, yeah.
195
00:09:34,334 --> 00:09:38,000
Twice the man
of this wimp Eastwood here.
196
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,467
[GUNSHOT, GRUNT]
197
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:44,267
Well, Clint said
he didn't want mayonnaise.
198
00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,634
I just can't get that jerk
off my mind.
199
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:50,033
Oh, I just wish
I had a second chance.
200
00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:51,601
I tell you,
I'd do things
201
00:09:51,601 --> 00:09:53,834
a little differently
in my present state of mind.
202
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,000
Shh.
203
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,000
Sorry.
204
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,267
I know you would, Steve,
205
00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:59,734
but you chose
not to unleash your fury,
206
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,033
and I admire you for it.
207
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:06,033
Uh-oh. They refused
Clint's credit card.
208
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:07,534
[GUNSHOT]
209
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:13,434
Don't leave home without it.
210
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:14,667
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
211
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,300
Hey, we're trying
to watch a movie here.
212
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,100
Will somebody get that?
213
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:19,701
Hello.
214
00:10:19,701 --> 00:10:22,367
Yes. This is
the Rhoades residence.
215
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,200
Yes. That's
the correct address.
216
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,567
Steve, it's for you.
217
00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:33,000
[DEEP VOICE]
Hello.
218
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,801
[NORMALLY]
Hello.
219
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:37,968
He hung up.
220
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:39,434
He knows where I live.
221
00:10:39,434 --> 00:10:42,133
To hell with him.
222
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:44,000
If he's stupid enough
to come over here,
223
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,033
then he deserves
what you're going to do to him.
224
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:49,534
Unleash your fury, Steve.
225
00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:52,734
Give him a right, a left!
226
00:10:52,734 --> 00:10:53,834
Break his face!
227
00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:55,067
Punch him in the kidney!
228
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:56,601
Make him puke blood!
229
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:00,167
Oh, how I love you!
230
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:10,667
MARCIE:
Look at him.
231
00:11:10,667 --> 00:11:14,133
He's like a caged tiger.
232
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:18,200
STEVE:
If I say I'm gonna
take out the garbage,
233
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,033
I can tunnel out
under the fence,
234
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:21,234
go to the bus station,
235
00:11:21,234 --> 00:11:22,534
grab me a handful
of Greyhound,
236
00:11:22,534 --> 00:11:26,234
and get hell out of Dodge.
237
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:27,834
See, I told you, Al.
238
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,467
If you have one
of these VHS machines,
239
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:31,567
you can get
any movie you want.
240
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,934
Yeah. It's heaven, Peg.
241
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:37,534
Hand me Rip Out
Their Entrails III.
242
00:11:37,534 --> 00:11:40,367
Yep, we have the best
of both worlds now, Peg.
243
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,267
Beta at home, VHS here,
244
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:45,634
and a refrigerator
with food in it.
245
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:47,234
Take a look around, Peg.
246
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:49,334
It's like the second home
we always dreamed of.
247
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:50,334
Oh.
248
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:51,534
Hey, can I make
249
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:53,100
a long-distance
phone call?
250
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:53,968
Sure.
251
00:11:57,234 --> 00:11:59,367
I'm gonna go get us
some more food.
252
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:01,267
Oh, Peg,
don't turn on the tape yet.
253
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,701
I got to go to the can.
254
00:12:02,701 --> 00:12:05,968
Oh, no! There go our pipes.
255
00:12:09,534 --> 00:12:10,801
I'll get the goldfish out
256
00:12:10,801 --> 00:12:12,434
before it's too late.
257
00:12:12,434 --> 00:12:16,267
Get our toothbrushes too!
258
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:18,100
Should we really
be worried?
259
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,901
Yes. But I'd leave
the goldfish in there.
260
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:26,767
It's a good way to test the air
before you attempt re-entry.
261
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:29,667
We used to use parakeets,
262
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:31,467
but then they learned
how to talk,
263
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,767
and started screaming for help.
264
00:12:39,267 --> 00:12:41,667
Uh...I meant should I be worried
265
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:43,934
about the man
who's stalking my husband?
266
00:12:43,934 --> 00:12:47,901
Not if you leave
the bathroom door open.
267
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,601
Well, you know,
268
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:51,300
the man must have
no social conscience
269
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:53,234
if he cut someone off like that.
270
00:12:53,234 --> 00:12:56,501
What is society
coming to?
271
00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:58,767
Are we all barbarians?
272
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:00,634
I'll tell you,
if I had my way,
273
00:13:00,634 --> 00:13:03,801
I'd have them round up every one
of those inconsiderate savages,
274
00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:05,567
bury them up to their necks,
275
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,834
and run them over
with a grain reaper.
276
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:11,234
You know,
I feel the same way
277
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:14,067
about that Pippi Longstocking
girl.
278
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:21,133
God, I hate her!
279
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,434
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
280
00:13:26,834 --> 00:13:28,634
Hello.
281
00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:30,767
Hello?
282
00:13:30,767 --> 00:13:35,067
Okay, Mr. Silent Thug,
if you won't speak, I will.
283
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,100
We are
a peace-loving people here,
284
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,000
and you are obviously
not college educated.
285
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,634
Now, I want you
286
00:13:40,634 --> 00:13:42,300
to leave my husband alone,
287
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,767
and if you cannot control
your wanton hostility,
288
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:46,601
I have a list of
some very qualified therapists
289
00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:47,601
that I think may--
290
00:13:47,601 --> 00:13:51,033
Let me handle this.
291
00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:54,167
Listen, worm food!
292
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,367
You want to take care of this,
come on over.
293
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,834
You've got the address.
294
00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:00,200
You spineless gob of spit!
295
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,601
You gutless, yellow piece of--
296
00:14:03,601 --> 00:14:06,801
He hung up.
297
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:08,934
How rude.
298
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:10,367
He must be on his way over.
299
00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:14,934
Well, I got him out in time,
300
00:14:14,934 --> 00:14:17,934
but he won't come out
of his castle.
301
00:14:17,934 --> 00:14:19,434
[HUMMING]
302
00:14:23,901 --> 00:14:25,400
Boy, did I work up an appetite.
303
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,167
I could eat a horse,
304
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:30,033
but since I'm not home,
I won't have to.
305
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:37,467
Steve, the maniac
called.
306
00:14:37,467 --> 00:14:39,434
Peggy dared him
to come over,
307
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:40,734
and I'm afraid
you're just gonna
308
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:43,167
have to give him
a sound drubbing!
309
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:49,067
Bring Mommy
his ears, baby.
310
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,767
I'll wear them
for a necklace.
311
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,901
Is there a puppy in here?
I thought I heard a whimper.
312
00:14:54,901 --> 00:14:57,400
Maybe it's Kong
over there.
313
00:14:59,601 --> 00:15:02,000
Look, guys.
314
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,767
I may seem a trifle nervous,
315
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:06,400
but let me tell you why.
316
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,567
You see,
317
00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:15,033
I used to fight...a lot.
318
00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:16,100
I have to admit,
319
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,167
I was pretty handy
with my dukes too,
320
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,934
and I fought for the right,
321
00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:24,801
but then, when I was 10...
322
00:15:24,801 --> 00:15:27,400
this guy and I got into it.
323
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,501
We were rockin'.
324
00:15:29,501 --> 00:15:32,968
I had a short fuse back then,
like now.
325
00:15:32,968 --> 00:15:37,734
I thrashed him within an inch
of his 8-year-old life.
326
00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:39,200
Didn't like the feeling.
327
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,534
Right then,
328
00:15:40,534 --> 00:15:45,133
I vowed I would never
use my hands in anger again.
329
00:15:45,133 --> 00:15:47,934
That day, I went home
and hung up my fists for good.
330
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:50,300
Oh, Steve,
331
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,734
I never knew this.
332
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,400
It's not the kind of thing
I'm proud of, Marcie.
333
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,300
Then you must
stand by your vow.
334
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,801
Do not fight
this maniac.
335
00:15:59,801 --> 00:16:02,501
It's just that
I want him so bad!
336
00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:04,968
You're so brave.
337
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:06,868
No, Marcie.
338
00:16:06,868 --> 00:16:09,634
I'm just a man.
339
00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:12,501
Al, can I talk to you
for a second?
340
00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:21,701
Al, I was never
in a fight.
341
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:23,300
I ran home.
I cried to my mother.
342
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,067
This kid licked me
like a dog.
343
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:29,701
He hung up my fists.
I was in them at the time.
344
00:16:29,701 --> 00:16:31,667
What am I going to do, Al?
I'm scared.
345
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:32,868
If a second grader
hurt me,
346
00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:35,067
what's a guy from San Quentin
going to do to me?
347
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:37,334
Steve, let me tell
a little story.
348
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:38,801
Is it about what you did
upstairs?
349
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:45,100
No. You'll learn about that
soon enough.
350
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,601
No, this is a story about fear.
351
00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:50,200
See, I know you look at me,
you see my wife and kids,
352
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,534
you say to yourself,
353
00:16:51,534 --> 00:16:54,868
"There's a man
that's not afraid of anything."
354
00:16:54,868 --> 00:16:56,567
It's not true, Steve.
355
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,067
I was afraid once.
356
00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,601
When I was just a kid,
there was this beast.
357
00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:03,467
It was the scariest thing
you've ever seen.
358
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:05,767
We both wanted Peg,
359
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:08,067
which shows that love
is not only blind,
360
00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,567
it's stupid.
361
00:17:10,934 --> 00:17:14,567
Every time Peg and I went out,
it was there.
362
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,534
Every time I saw it,
I'd run like hell,
363
00:17:16,534 --> 00:17:17,934
but I knew that one day
364
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:20,234
we'd have to settle this thing
once and for all.
365
00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:22,467
So one day,
I get sick of running.
366
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:25,467
So one day in the schoolyard,
we went at it.
367
00:17:25,467 --> 00:17:27,200
It was long and brutal.
368
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:31,901
I can't say that I won,
and I can't say that I lost.
369
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:41,467
Well, I definitely
can't say that I won,
370
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:42,901
but after that day,
371
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:44,934
I was never afraid again.
372
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:46,467
Because I stood up
373
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:48,968
to the meanest, biggest,
toughest man I'd ever seen.
374
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,734
Steve,
375
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:52,434
that man was Peg's mother.
376
00:17:58,234 --> 00:17:59,267
[WHISTLES]
377
00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:01,267
Yeah,
you can say that again, pal.
378
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:04,133
So, Steve, I don't care how long
that guy was in San Quentin.
379
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:06,567
There's no way
he'll be as mean and as tough
380
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:11,133
as the product
of 150 years of inbreeding.
381
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,767
Well, I don't want
to fight, Al.
382
00:18:14,767 --> 00:18:18,033
I got theater tickets
for tomorrow night.
383
00:18:18,033 --> 00:18:19,467
Have you ever
tried to yell "bravo"
384
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:21,334
with a lip
the size of a basketball?
385
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:24,367
Okay, well, how about this?
Screw a fair fight.
386
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:25,501
Here's what you do.
387
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:26,934
The guy's
gonna knock on the door.
388
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:28,000
Open the door real quick,
389
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,601
don't give him
a chance to think,
390
00:18:29,601 --> 00:18:31,133
and sucker-punch him
in the breadbasket.
391
00:18:31,133 --> 00:18:33,934
He'll drop like an ox.
392
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:36,100
That's what I should have done
to Peg's mother,
393
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:38,434
but she horned me first.
394
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:44,767
Oh, uh,
I don't know, Al.
395
00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:46,901
He's here.
396
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:48,501
I was calling every country
in the world,
397
00:18:48,501 --> 00:18:51,667
you know, to track down
that rock group, Guns N' Roses,
398
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:53,100
and I saw this car pull up
399
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:55,167
with an "I heart San Quentin"
bumper sticker.
400
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:56,701
Bud, honey, come on out!
401
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:58,601
The fight's about to start!
402
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:01,400
Who are we rooting for?
403
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:02,968
Steve, I just want you to know,
404
00:19:02,968 --> 00:19:04,567
I won't
think any less of you
405
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:05,834
if you don't answer the door.
406
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:07,167
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
407
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:12,567
Breadbasket, Steve.
408
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,200
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
409
00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:25,200
[THWACK, THUD]
410
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,868
Uh-oh.
411
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,400
Well, he's down.
412
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,367
You wanna give me
a hand here, Al?
413
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:38,033
AL: This him?
414
00:19:38,033 --> 00:19:39,200
STEVE: Yep.
415
00:19:56,968 --> 00:19:58,200
By the way,
416
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:02,400
his breadbasket isn't quite
where I pictured it.
417
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,267
He's got a tough
little forehead, though.
418
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:15,167
Mr. Williams, are you all right?
419
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:18,767
Well, I guess I'm going to live.
420
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:20,834
Would somebody
give me back my wallet now?
421
00:20:30,868 --> 00:20:33,400
I don't know why
I came over here.
422
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,234
I had a feeling
you might be an animal.
423
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,601
Not an animal, really.
424
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:40,200
Just a man
who will fight
425
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,200
to protect the rule
426
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,400
of one car length
427
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,501
for every 10 miles
per hour of speed.
428
00:20:46,534 --> 00:20:49,400
Well, I guess I should say
what I came over here to say.
429
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,601
I'm sorry I cut you off.
430
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:56,200
I'm sorry you had to see
the ugly side of me,
431
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,334
but when challenge
challenged me,
432
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:01,167
I challenged
challenge.
433
00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:03,434
Yeah. Right.
434
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,601
By the way,
435
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,968
why were you in San Quentin?
436
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:12,667
I torched a Mercedes.
437
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:15,400
They say I'm almost cured.
438
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,934
Hey...
439
00:21:16,934 --> 00:21:20,200
and you've got a nice one.
440
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:25,767
Well, it's only a car,
441
00:21:25,767 --> 00:21:29,400
but the memory of that punch
will last me a lifetime.
442
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,300
Oh, you were
so brave, Steve.
443
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:34,067
[STIFLED LAUGHTER]
444
00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:34,968
Ignore them.
445
00:21:36,234 --> 00:21:39,000
I think you proved your courage
once and for all
446
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,534
by beating up that...little man.
447
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:44,868
Yeah, just think
what you could do
448
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,367
to a second-grader now.
449
00:21:47,367 --> 00:21:50,834
Let them scoff.
450
00:21:50,834 --> 00:21:55,000
I saw the glimmer of the sweat
as it glistened on your brow,
451
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,467
the bulging of your muscle
452
00:21:56,467 --> 00:21:59,334
as it strained
against your sleeve,
453
00:21:59,334 --> 00:22:00,734
the clenching of your buttocks
454
00:22:00,734 --> 00:22:03,467
as you leapt into the fray.
455
00:22:03,467 --> 00:22:05,400
Take me, big man.
Take me.
456
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:12,534
By the way, get out.
457
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:17,734
Kids, you know
what we gotta do.
458
00:22:43,033 --> 00:22:45,033
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,000
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:19,567
MAN [ON TV]:
...where glamour meets
Dame Fortune.
3
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:20,667
Here we are
4
00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:22,400
at "The Luckiest Man on Earth"
party,
5
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,901
and look, isn't that
Joe Piscopo at poolside.
6
00:01:29,701 --> 00:01:32,534
Al, have you seen
my ashtray?
7
00:01:32,534 --> 00:01:34,400
Oh, there it is.
8
00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:42,567
Yeah, I thought the beer
tasted like your hamburgers.
9
00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:44,133
It's an old
family recipe.
10
00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:46,501
Of course, Mom's
was a little different.
11
00:01:46,501 --> 00:01:48,133
She chewed tobacco.
12
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:49,133
Yeah.
13
00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:50,767
Yeah, I remember
her lemonade.
14
00:01:53,133 --> 00:01:55,300
Mom, Dad, I love you.
15
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:57,567
Ah, Jesus.
16
00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:58,934
No. I already took some.
Thanks.
17
00:02:00,234 --> 00:02:01,634
No, I just wanted to remind you
18
00:02:01,634 --> 00:02:03,167
that tomorrow's the big day,
19
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:05,234
so thanks for letting me
have my pajama party.
20
00:02:05,234 --> 00:02:07,267
Oh, no, you're not having
a pajama party.
21
00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:10,968
I'm still getting flashbacks
from your last one you had.
22
00:02:10,968 --> 00:02:12,601
Daddy, I was 8.
23
00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:16,367
But the judge wanted to try you
as an adult.
24
00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:19,167
Mommy, thanks for letting me
25
00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:20,634
have my pajama party.
26
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:21,801
You're welcome.
27
00:02:21,801 --> 00:02:23,400
Oh, no,
I'm not going to sit here
28
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,667
and let you two
make my decisions for me.
29
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,868
That's how we had Bud.
30
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,400
Well, Dad,
if you remember,
31
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,200
I was first one to say,
"Let's throw him back."
32
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,467
Now, you promised
33
00:02:36,467 --> 00:02:37,868
that I could have
another pajama party.
34
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:39,267
It's right here
in black and white.
35
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,667
You signed it
when I was 8.
36
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:44,834
"Absolutely no parties
involving pajamas, music,
37
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,868
"or shaving Daddy's head
while he sleeps,
38
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,334
"until you're 16.
39
00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:52,167
Signed, your father,
God help me, Al Bundy."
40
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:58,701
You can't hold me to that.
I thought I'd be dead by now.
41
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,534
Well, the joke's
on you, Dad.
42
00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:03,901
No. Actually,
the joke's on me.
43
00:03:03,901 --> 00:03:05,868
But not very often.
44
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:12,534
Hey, Kel.
45
00:03:12,534 --> 00:03:15,000
Word through the peephole
in the girls' shower room
46
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,100
is that
you're having a pajama party.
47
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,534
Is this true?
48
00:03:18,534 --> 00:03:22,467
Girls, here? In pajamas?
49
00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:24,033
Bud, please,
50
00:03:24,033 --> 00:03:25,901
your pimple
is squirting me.
51
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:31,100
Mom, please,
it's girls only.
52
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,100
Can't you
send him somewhere,
53
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,901
like Steve and Marcy's,
54
00:03:33,901 --> 00:03:36,801
the zoo, the feed tank
at Marineland?
55
00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:39,267
Bud, while Kelly's
having her party,
56
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:41,000
you will stay
in your room,
57
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,400
and you're only allowed out
for dinner,
58
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,601
which means
you'll be in your room.
59
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,033
[SIGHS]
60
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,434
Oh, come on, Bud.
61
00:03:48,434 --> 00:03:51,334
Just pretend that
it's a normal Saturday night.
62
00:03:51,334 --> 00:03:53,067
Turn the lights down low,
63
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,801
put on some soft music,
64
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,901
and dial 1-800-NO-DATE.
65
00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:00,534
No, Kel.
66
00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:02,033
If it was a normal
Saturday night,
67
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,234
I'd be busy selling
low numbers
68
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:07,567
to the guys
outside your window.
69
00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,033
Eat toe rot.
70
00:04:09,033 --> 00:04:10,701
Lick road kill.
71
00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:12,968
You know, I'm getting hungry.
72
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,701
Thanks, Mom.
73
00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:19,334
Oh, by the way, on party night,
74
00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:21,601
I want you two in your room
by 7:00,
75
00:04:21,601 --> 00:04:23,934
and no coming out
during the party.
76
00:04:23,934 --> 00:04:25,868
If my friends knew
what you look like, I'd die.
77
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:29,767
You know, Peg,
this is my house.
78
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,367
I pay for it,
I live in it,
79
00:04:31,367 --> 00:04:33,167
I like to think
I can roam around it
80
00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:35,834
like any other
desperate caged animal.
81
00:04:35,834 --> 00:04:37,033
What am I
supposed to do
82
00:04:37,033 --> 00:04:40,067
locked in a room
with you all night?
83
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:43,200
Well, I too
have a promissory note
84
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,267
you signed
when Kelly was 8.
85
00:04:45,267 --> 00:04:48,300
It's for sex, Al.
86
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:53,734
Oh, no.
Is it 1989 already?
87
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:58,033
Yes, and I believe
it's the year of the snake.
88
00:04:58,033 --> 00:04:59,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
89
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,834
Oh, please let this be
a bullet with my name on it.
90
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:08,567
Never anything I want.
91
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:09,934
We love you guys.
92
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:14,934
Yeah, caught between a rock
and a horny place.
93
00:05:14,934 --> 00:05:16,000
What do you want?
94
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,567
We just wanted
to say how we felt.
95
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:21,634
Oh, and to ask if you would
watch our house for us
96
00:05:21,634 --> 00:05:23,100
while we're in New York.
97
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,200
Peggy, Steve's taking me
to the theater,
98
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,400
then we're going to check
into this little hotel we know.
99
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,767
It's not really little,
it's 200 a night.
100
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:33,567
How come you never
take me to a hotel, Al?
101
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:37,868
Because you'd just
find your way home.
102
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:41,067
Look, we stopped the mail,
103
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,467
canceled the newspaper,
104
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,701
put all the plants
in the bathtub.
105
00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:46,100
All you have to do
106
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:48,167
is let the plumber in
to fix the sink.
107
00:05:48,167 --> 00:05:50,667
Steve,
now that I hear myself say it,
108
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,501
I'm not sure they can do it.
109
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:57,133
Marcy, it's so easy,
a chimp could do it.
110
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:59,033
Unfortunately,
we couldn't find a chimp,
111
00:05:59,033 --> 00:06:02,000
so we lower our standards
and go with these two.
112
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,367
Here you go.
113
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:05,501
Oh, and if a chimp comes by,
114
00:06:05,501 --> 00:06:07,734
tell him we couldn't wait
any longer.
115
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:08,767
AL: Have a nice time.
116
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:10,834
Enjoy the show.
117
00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:13,467
Have a safe trip.
Don't worry about a thing.
118
00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:14,567
They're gone.
119
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,033
I got the key.
Let's loot their house.
120
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,100
You know, Peg, you can learn
a lot about people
121
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:30,467
going through their safe.
122
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:31,534
I wonder if Steve knows
123
00:06:31,534 --> 00:06:33,767
that the house is only
in Marcy's name.
124
00:06:33,767 --> 00:06:35,501
And I wonder
if Marcy knows
125
00:06:35,501 --> 00:06:37,501
that Steve's mother
is the beneficiary
126
00:06:37,501 --> 00:06:39,334
to his life insurance.
127
00:06:39,334 --> 00:06:41,300
You know, Peg,
we may not have much,
128
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,834
but at least we don't
keep secrets from one another.
129
00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:45,868
You said it, Al.
130
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:51,534
Come on, Kel.
131
00:06:51,534 --> 00:06:53,968
I cleaned your whole room,
I alphabetized all your albums.
132
00:06:53,968 --> 00:06:55,767
I even put an
"over one million served" sign
133
00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:59,868
on the wall by your bed.
134
00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:01,868
Now can I stay for your party,
please?
135
00:07:01,868 --> 00:07:05,133
No, pus bomb, you can't.
136
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,467
Come on, Kel,
I'm not going to touch anything.
137
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:09,300
I want to, you know,
say hello,
138
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,667
ask how it's going,
139
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,968
watch their moist,
nubile young bodies--
140
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:14,968
Mom, can't the vet
neuter him?
141
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,567
Or put him to sleep,
or something?
142
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,901
Bud, you will
stay in your room.
143
00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:20,934
Ha.
144
00:07:20,934 --> 00:07:21,834
Spell it.
145
00:07:25,701 --> 00:07:28,467
Gee, Al, they grow up so fast.
146
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,100
Yeah,
Kelly's a young woman,
147
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,934
Bud's a peeping Tom.
148
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,734
Where does the time go?
149
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:37,767
Daddy, we don't
have any food.
150
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,868
My underwear has no elastic.
151
00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:47,868
Take it up
with June Cleaver here.
152
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:53,234
So who died and made me Mom?
153
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:56,367
I'm sorry. I'm being selfish,
aren't I, June?
154
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:57,501
Well, I'm
going shopping,
155
00:07:57,501 --> 00:07:59,300
so if I don't come back
in four days,
156
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:01,267
eat without me,
157
00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:03,067
and if I do come back,
call the doctor,
158
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,567
because obviously,
I don't know who I am.
159
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,334
Oh, could you
pick me up some panty hose?
160
00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:10,534
Nude toes, sheer to the tummy,
161
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:13,968
and, uh, some tampons?
162
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:21,567
I'm dead. Why don't I fall down?
163
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:22,801
If you're a kidnapper,
don't forget
164
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:25,634
the little
male child upstairs.
165
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:27,300
Have a nice day.
166
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:28,834
Excuse me, ma'am,
167
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:31,167
but I'm looking
for a Steve's Roadhouse.
168
00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,434
Ah, it's next door.
169
00:08:33,434 --> 00:08:34,801
Here are the keys.
170
00:08:34,801 --> 00:08:36,601
Oh, and if you get thirsty,
171
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:38,367
there's some good wine
172
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:40,267
under a false tile
in the bathroom.
173
00:08:40,267 --> 00:08:41,868
Oh, like I wouldn't
have found it myself?
174
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:42,868
[BOTH LAUGH]
175
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,534
Work, work, work.
176
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:51,234
You know, Mom, the house
is kind of dirty for my party.
177
00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:54,300
Do you think Dad
will have time to clean it?
178
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,000
It's Daddy's day off.
179
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,901
Of course he will.
180
00:08:58,901 --> 00:09:00,868
[BOTH LAUGH, SIGH]
181
00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:06,067
MAN [ON TV]:
Coming up on Woman World,
182
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,667
Men: Herd 'Em up,
Kill 'Em All.
183
00:09:13,968 --> 00:09:15,400
How you doing, Peg?
184
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,601
You know, we're gonna have to
get you a little motor
185
00:09:17,601 --> 00:09:18,968
for that couch.
186
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:20,334
Then you can, you know,
187
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:22,934
putter around the living room
during commercials.
188
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:24,534
You know,
I do plenty around here.
189
00:09:24,534 --> 00:09:25,801
Who do you think
190
00:09:25,801 --> 00:09:28,901
put that bull's eye
on the toilet for you?
191
00:09:34,467 --> 00:09:36,734
So I let the plumber in
over at Steve and Marcy's.
192
00:09:36,734 --> 00:09:38,067
Oh, they'll be
so happy.
193
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:41,267
By the way, did you know
their house is gone?
194
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:43,767
What do you mean, gone?
195
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,634
Gone.
196
00:09:45,634 --> 00:09:49,434
Like my hopes, my dreams,
my future.
197
00:09:49,434 --> 00:09:52,901
Oh, gone.
198
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:54,367
It can't be gone.
199
00:09:58,634 --> 00:10:00,133
Al...
200
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,067
Steve and Marcy's house is gone.
201
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:06,667
Nothing gets by you,
does it, Peg?
202
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,033
Except a house.
203
00:10:15,234 --> 00:10:17,601
Have a nice party, honey.
204
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,901
We'll be at Grandma's
for a week or so.
205
00:10:21,968 --> 00:10:24,000
Oh, when Steve and Marcy
get back,
206
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,300
they'll probably gonna
want to know
207
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:28,100
where their house is,
208
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:32,100
but if they don't bring it up,
you don't bring it up.
209
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,100
And, remember,
210
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,901
no boys at the party.
211
00:10:36,868 --> 00:10:39,133
God, you make one mistake
when you're 8 years old,
212
00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:42,434
and they never
let you forget it.
213
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,567
Peg, I don't want
to go to your mother's.
214
00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:45,968
I see how she looks at me,
215
00:10:45,968 --> 00:10:49,868
like I was between
two pieces of bread.
216
00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:52,601
We all know
what happened to her dog.
217
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:55,934
They never proved that.
218
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:58,601
[CAR PULLS UP]
219
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:03,067
It's Steve and Marcy.
220
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,300
They're home early.
221
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:10,567
Oh, I just know they're gonna
be in a foul mood.
222
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:13,167
I hope they're not gonna
come over here.
223
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:14,300
Well, what
are they doing?
224
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:20,501
Well, they're looking
at their hole.
225
00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:23,300
Now they're looking
at our house.
226
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,033
Now their hole.
227
00:11:25,033 --> 00:11:27,634
Now our house.
228
00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:29,267
Yep. I knew it.
229
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:31,000
Here they come.
230
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,734
I just know
they're going to blame us.
231
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:35,901
[DOORBELL RINGS]
232
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:45,968
Who is it?
233
00:11:45,968 --> 00:11:47,934
STEVE:
Open up in there!
234
00:11:47,934 --> 00:11:49,968
Oh, hey, Steve,
235
00:11:49,968 --> 00:11:51,968
I'd love to talk to you,
236
00:11:51,968 --> 00:11:54,901
but I know you're all tired out
from your trip and all,
237
00:11:54,901 --> 00:11:56,734
so why don't you just turn in,
238
00:11:56,734 --> 00:11:58,167
and we'll chat tomorrow?
239
00:11:58,167 --> 00:11:59,934
Nighty-night.
240
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,868
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
241
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:09,300
Who is it?
242
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,200
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
243
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,634
Hey, Steve.
Now, that's rude.
244
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:19,167
A man's home
is his castle.
245
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:22,067
Well, mine is a moat, Al.
246
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,467
What did you do with our house?
247
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:25,901
Well, now, relax.
Just relax.
248
00:12:25,901 --> 00:12:29,667
Tell us about
your trip first.
249
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:31,100
You want to hear about
our trip?
250
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,901
Okay,
I'll tell you about our trip.
251
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:38,901
First, they lost
our luggage,
252
00:12:38,901 --> 00:12:40,534
then our
hotel reservations.
253
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,901
The play we wanted to see stunk,
254
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:44,634
and I didn't get any sleep.
255
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:47,901
Why? Because all the good
heating grates were taken.
256
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,300
So we came home.
257
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:52,501
You have anything to tell us?
258
00:12:52,501 --> 00:12:55,033
Well, Kelly's having a party,
259
00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:56,300
Bud's doing well in school--
260
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,067
Where's our house, Al?
261
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:02,968
It's a chicken restaurant
in Waukegan.
262
00:13:02,968 --> 00:13:06,000
You didn't think I knew,
did you?
263
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,934
See, this is
really so funny.
264
00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:09,767
See, this guy came over,
265
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,567
and asked
for Steve's Roadhouse.
266
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:13,467
Well, I thought he said
Steve Rhoades' house.
267
00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:14,901
And then
one thing led to another,
268
00:13:14,901 --> 00:13:17,467
and your house was gone.
269
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:22,834
Oh, look.
Marcy's coming to.
270
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:26,267
Oh, I had this awful dream.
271
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:29,367
I dreamt I was Dorothy
in The Wizard of Oz.
272
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,567
Peggy, you were the good witch.
273
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:38,133
Al, you were looking
for a brain.
274
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,901
And, Steve,
275
00:13:41,901 --> 00:13:46,467
you were Don Johnson, naked.
276
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:50,000
Then a train
went through a tunnel,
277
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,467
and our house was gone.
278
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:53,467
Oh.
279
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:55,801
I'm feeling better now.
280
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:57,267
Did you remember
to let the plumber in?
281
00:14:00,901 --> 00:14:04,701
Well, Peggy gave me
this tacky peignoir.
282
00:14:04,701 --> 00:14:06,801
Did Al give you a t-shirt
to sleep in?
283
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:19,868
Steve, we're homeless.
284
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,868
Oh, not really, Marcy.
285
00:14:23,868 --> 00:14:25,334
We've got our VCR,
286
00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:27,434
our blankets,
287
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,234
and everything else
they could strap to their backs
288
00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:32,634
and haul over here.
289
00:14:32,634 --> 00:14:34,000
So except for our actual house,
290
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,100
we're as close to home
as you can be.
291
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:39,968
Well, I'm happy
as long as I have you.
292
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,367
Yeah, right.
293
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:52,634
Good night, honey.
294
00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:53,968
[DOORBELL RINGS]
295
00:14:53,968 --> 00:14:55,033
They're here!
296
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:56,400
They're here!
297
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,968
Who's here, and why?
298
00:14:58,968 --> 00:15:00,901
[LOUD CHATTERING]
299
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:01,901
Guess who's pregnant?
300
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,100
Julie, she's
such a slut.
301
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,367
Oh, she's such a jerk!
302
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:08,400
Can you believe it?
I can't even imagine--
303
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,634
Gee, Kel,
who are the old people?
304
00:15:11,634 --> 00:15:14,701
Is this
your Mom and Dad?
305
00:15:14,701 --> 00:15:17,200
Oh, God, no.
306
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,567
No, these are just
the neighbors.
307
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:22,901
They live in
the empty lot next door.
308
00:15:22,901 --> 00:15:24,100
They look dirty.
309
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,834
GIRLS: Ew!
310
00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:30,868
[SNORING]
311
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:36,000
Who do you
think you're fooling?
312
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,868
I just saw you
get into bed.
313
00:15:41,334 --> 00:15:44,501
Let's go, Al.
314
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:47,667
Aw, Peg, I feel uncomfortable
fooling around
315
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:49,801
with other people
in the house.
316
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:53,467
You know, Steve and Marcy,
the kids, you.
317
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:59,901
Shut up and pleasure me.
318
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,267
Hey, Steve and Marcy!
319
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:07,000
How you doing?
320
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,601
Look, Peg.
It's Steve and Marcy.
321
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:11,334
Don't you guys
have a home?
322
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,634
Hey, what's going on?
323
00:16:15,634 --> 00:16:16,634
Your daughter
324
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:18,033
threw us out
of the living room.
325
00:16:18,033 --> 00:16:19,234
We needed
a place to sleep,
326
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:20,734
so we came here.
327
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:23,167
They couldn't have waited
a minute longer?
328
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:24,467
It would have been all over
329
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,834
except promises
330
00:16:25,834 --> 00:16:27,467
of a better performance
next time.
331
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:30,000
Don't pay any
attention to her.
332
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,567
I'm glad
you kids are here.
333
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:34,434
Stay as long
as you want.
334
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:35,734
Thanks, Al.
335
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:36,834
We're suing you,
you know.
336
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:38,934
Fine.
337
00:16:38,934 --> 00:16:40,868
Take it all.
I've had too much for too long.
338
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:44,667
Let's just all go to sleep
339
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:47,868
so this day of a thousand deaths
can end.
340
00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:54,734
[CONTENTED SIGH]
[CONTENTED SIGH]
341
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:58,868
[MUSIC BLARES]
342
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:00,000
This is horrible.
343
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,801
I just can't
take it anymore.
344
00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:02,801
Don't worry, Marcy.
345
00:17:02,801 --> 00:17:04,000
We'll get our house
back tomorrow.
346
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,000
It's not that.
347
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,868
I smell Al's feet.
348
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,100
Can you
believe Charlene?
349
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,367
What a loser.
350
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:18,734
God, I hate her.
351
00:17:18,734 --> 00:17:20,033
She's so phony.
352
00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:22,934
And a boring slob.
353
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:24,734
She couldn't turn a boy on
with a switch.
354
00:17:24,734 --> 00:17:25,734
I know.
355
00:17:25,734 --> 00:17:28,200
She's so gross.
356
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,367
Oh, hi, Charlene.
357
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:30,834
You look great.
358
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,167
You know, we were just saying
359
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:34,567
that you must have to
beat the boys off with a stick.
360
00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:36,434
My turn.
361
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:41,968
God, I hate her.
362
00:17:41,968 --> 00:17:44,000
She is so annoying.
363
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,167
[ALL TALKING]
364
00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:02,534
Good evening, ladies.
365
00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:07,200
Just a little reminder.
366
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,067
When you get tired
of the endless drone
367
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,534
of girlish chatter,
368
00:18:10,534 --> 00:18:12,601
step up to pleasure.
369
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:14,834
Step up to "Club Bud."
370
00:18:19,601 --> 00:18:23,367
Get out of here,
you little she-male.
371
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,868
No, that's okay, let him stay.
372
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,634
I think he's cute.
373
00:18:26,634 --> 00:18:28,834
You and the rest of the world,
babe.
374
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:33,267
Oh, Bud,
you drive me crazy.
375
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:35,667
Let me give you
something special.
376
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:37,400
Close your eyes.
377
00:18:42,133 --> 00:18:43,868
Pucker up, baby.
378
00:18:48,868 --> 00:18:51,868
Come on, baby.
Give me all you got.
379
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,767
Ha, ha. Very funny.
380
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,033
Very funny.
381
00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:07,601
It's another fine example
of bimbo wit.
382
00:19:07,601 --> 00:19:09,767
I'm done. Finished.
I'm going upstairs.
383
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:10,834
Oh, Bud, before you go,
384
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:13,467
can you say, "I'm drinking milk,
385
00:19:13,467 --> 00:19:16,067
and one day,
I'm gonna be big and strong"?
386
00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:21,501
Tee-hee, Kel.
387
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:24,501
Oh, by the way, I almost forgot.
388
00:19:24,501 --> 00:19:27,400
There were a few messages
for you.
389
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,667
Let me see.
390
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,367
Oh. Dan Peterson called.
391
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:31,601
He said tomorrow night
392
00:19:31,601 --> 00:19:34,033
behind the 7-Eleven
would be fine.
393
00:19:34,033 --> 00:19:36,234
Uh, Bud,
I don't think
394
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:37,734
that anybody
wants to hear this.
395
00:19:37,734 --> 00:19:39,968
Dan Peterson.
That's my boyfriend.
396
00:19:39,968 --> 00:19:41,334
Oh, is he?
397
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:46,067
Gee, Kelly thinks he's hers.
398
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,200
Oh, well.
399
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,200
Let's see.
400
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,601
Um, Greg Barnett called too.
401
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:52,200
You have a date with him
Tuesday.
402
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,567
Oh, "And wear something tight."
403
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:56,934
Wait a minute.
404
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:58,734
I'm dating Greg.
405
00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:00,067
Uh-oh.
406
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,133
Well.
407
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,767
Let's see.
408
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,601
Whose boyfriend
is Bobby Brocatto?
409
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:05,868
Mine.
Mine.
410
00:20:09,601 --> 00:20:12,334
Well. You guys
have a lot to talk about.
411
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:13,701
Good night.
412
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,767
You're seeing
my Greg?
413
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:18,968
And Dan?
414
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,868
Well, I wasn't
going to keep them.
415
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:22,968
Sow.
416
00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:23,968
Trollop.
417
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:24,968
Tramp.
418
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:25,968
Slut.
419
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:26,834
Bundy.
420
00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:32,033
What do you think
you're doing?
421
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:34,434
It's your fault!
422
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,300
[ALL SHOUTING]
423
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:46,267
Yum, yum, give me some.
424
00:20:56,367 --> 00:21:02,501
How can he get that smell
with only 10 toes?
425
00:21:02,501 --> 00:21:04,000
Go to sleep, Marcy.
426
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,634
I can't. I'm too upset.
427
00:21:05,634 --> 00:21:08,400
I miss our little house.
428
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,634
I know,
429
00:21:09,634 --> 00:21:12,467
but we'll get it back,
angel cups.
430
00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:13,667
You haven't called
me angel cups
431
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:17,200
in a long time,
sugar tush.
432
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:21,601
Remember what I said
433
00:21:21,601 --> 00:21:24,467
when we didn't think
we could afford a house?
434
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,801
We need no home.
435
00:21:26,801 --> 00:21:29,367
Our love is shelter enough
against any storm.
436
00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:39,434
Man, thy name is Steve.
437
00:21:39,434 --> 00:21:41,300
And, love,
thy name is Marcy.
438
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,100
The warmth of your arms
is my hearth.
439
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:50,734
And your strong arms
are my support beams.
440
00:21:50,734 --> 00:21:52,868
And your lips
are my doorways to heaven.
441
00:21:52,868 --> 00:21:56,334
And your blue eyes are
the windows to my world.
442
00:21:56,334 --> 00:21:57,200
And your hair--
443
00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,234
Where are
you guys going?
444
00:22:06,234 --> 00:22:10,000
We're going to sleep
in the hole, Bud.
445
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,334
Good night, kids.
446
00:22:11,334 --> 00:22:12,334
Oh, Kelly.
447
00:22:12,334 --> 00:22:14,267
Huh?
448
00:22:14,267 --> 00:22:16,033
Honey, remember,
no boys.
449
00:22:16,033 --> 00:22:17,901
Okay, Mom.
450
00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:18,868
Good girl.
451
00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,868
Oh, Al, it's raining.
452
00:22:22,868 --> 00:22:24,801
Good. I'll sleep
with my mouth open.
453
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:26,868
Maybe I'll drown.
454
00:22:45,334 --> 00:22:47,300
[***]1
00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:07,501
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:10,767
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,701
BUD:
If we don't get some food soon,
4
00:01:18,701 --> 00:01:22,901
it's Donner Pass, baby.
5
00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:25,133
KELLY:
Hmm.
6
00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:27,234
He's a little stringy,
7
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:29,567
but seasoned correctly...
8
00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:32,334
Bud chops.
9
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,734
[SIGHS]
10
00:01:37,734 --> 00:01:39,100
What're you kids doing?
11
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,968
BOTH [CHANTING]:
Food! Food! Food! Food!
12
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,667
Food! Food! Food! Food!
Food! Food!
13
00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:46,734
ALL:
Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!
14
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:48,601
Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!
15
00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:50,734
Just the boys!
16
00:01:50,734 --> 00:01:52,400
Just the girls!
17
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,267
Food! Food! Food!
Food! Food! Food!
18
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,234
Oh, well, that was fun.
19
00:02:00,234 --> 00:02:01,367
But nobody's bringing any.
20
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:04,601
So you guys
want to see my new dress?
21
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:05,801
Uh, yeah, sure thing, Mom,
22
00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,801
but first, can we have
a little chat about nutrition.
23
00:02:07,801 --> 00:02:11,100
To hell with nutrition,
let's talk about food.
24
00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:13,601
You see, Mom,
25
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,634
no nutrition
equals no brain.
26
00:02:15,634 --> 00:02:17,868
I give you
exhibit A.
27
00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:20,701
Now, we've
been talking
28
00:02:20,701 --> 00:02:21,901
to the other
kids at school,
29
00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:24,100
and they get
three meals a day.
30
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,434
Now, I know
what you said,
31
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:27,467
that food only
leads to food poisoning,
32
00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:29,434
but we're willing
to risk it.
33
00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:33,400
Oh, kids, don't you understand?
34
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,267
See, your father
doesn't earn enough
35
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:39,267
for this dress and food.
36
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,901
Frankly, your father
doesn't earn enough
37
00:02:40,901 --> 00:02:44,267
for this dress and gum.
38
00:02:44,267 --> 00:02:46,133
Actually, your father
doesn't earn enough
39
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,167
for this dress.
40
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:49,667
So if you're really hungry,
41
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:52,000
why don't you
eat this price tag?
42
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:57,033
And eat it fast
before your dad gets home.
43
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,067
Hey, how come
44
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:00,767
you always get
the plastic thread?
45
00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:02,234
I'm just doing it
for you, Kelly.
46
00:03:02,234 --> 00:03:04,868
You know plastic goes
right to your thighs.
47
00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:09,000
Come on, Mom.
We're hungry.
48
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,534
Isn't there anything
to eat in this house?
49
00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:25,834
You know,
50
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,501
I don't think he ever got over
51
00:03:27,501 --> 00:03:29,534
waking up
that Christmas morning,
52
00:03:29,534 --> 00:03:30,834
surrounded by little potatoes
53
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:34,734
with a pineapple ring
on his back.
54
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:38,100
It's not like we glazed him
or anything.
55
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:40,033
Mom, we're starving.
56
00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:42,334
Feed us or trade us.
57
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:45,868
Kids, I really do
know how you feel.
58
00:03:45,868 --> 00:03:47,234
I was hungry too,
59
00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:52,133
until I stopped at Burger King
on my way home.
60
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:53,901
But, you see,
this is real important.
61
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,667
Daddy and I are going
to our high school reunion,
62
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:58,734
and I really want to wow them.
63
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:00,200
If you really want
to wow them,
64
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,501
why don't you just tell them
65
00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:03,667
that your daughter
weighs 47 pounds?
66
00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:07,100
Boy, Mommy just wants
to have a little fun,
67
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:10,634
and all you kids can think about
are your empty little stomachs.
68
00:04:10,634 --> 00:04:12,334
Now, go forage in the freezer,
69
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,367
and let Mommy be happy.
70
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,267
Hi, Peg.
71
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,634
Nice dress.
72
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:28,901
What's the occasion?
73
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:31,934
Oprah having
a formal episode?
74
00:04:31,934 --> 00:04:33,100
Al,
75
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:34,934
don't you remember anything?
76
00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:37,868
Not since I said, "I do."
77
00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:42,033
Then your mother
opened her mouth
78
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:44,267
and put me down.
79
00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:46,667
That was a show of affection.
80
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:49,634
That's how she used to
carry all of us around.
81
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:51,167
But let's forget about the past.
82
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:54,133
Tomorrow night, we're going
to our high school reunion,
83
00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:55,534
and I want us to look nice,
84
00:04:55,534 --> 00:04:57,601
so get your suit
out of the hamper and iron it.
85
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:05,334
Peg, I don't want to go
to my high school reunion.
86
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:06,534
I just know they're going to
87
00:05:06,534 --> 00:05:07,934
ask me questions
that I can't answer,
88
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,400
like, "How you doing?"
89
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:13,334
"How's it going?"
90
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:15,901
And the ever-painful
"How they hanging?"
91
00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:22,234
Now, listen, Al,
you promised you'd take me
92
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:25,801
the night you didn't take me
to our senior prom.
93
00:05:25,801 --> 00:05:27,067
Well, honey,
94
00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:28,868
we had a great time
that night, didn't we?
95
00:05:28,868 --> 00:05:31,501
Oh, yeah,
wall-to-wall magic.
96
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:34,968
Watching sports on TV
at my father's house.
97
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,601
You drank all the beer.
98
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,000
I said, "I love you."
99
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,767
You said, "Shut up,
I can't hear the game."
100
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:45,767
Oh, and then we did it
on my father's coat.
101
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:48,334
You were quite
a tiger that night, Al.
102
00:05:48,334 --> 00:05:49,767
Yeah, well,
who ever thought
103
00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,901
I'd see you again
after that?
104
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,434
Hey, Kel, I think
I got something here.
105
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,467
It could be edible.
106
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,100
Let's see. It's...
107
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,901
It's...
108
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:13,834
Freddy, my goldfish?
109
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:15,868
It's the one we froze
till they found a cure
110
00:06:15,868 --> 00:06:18,434
for whatever
was killing him.
111
00:06:18,434 --> 00:06:19,934
Bud, you were
only 5 then,
112
00:06:19,934 --> 00:06:20,934
so we didn't tell you,
113
00:06:20,934 --> 00:06:21,934
but, um,
114
00:06:21,934 --> 00:06:23,367
what was killing him
115
00:06:23,367 --> 00:06:25,000
was that
we didn't feed him.
116
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:30,968
Oh, Freddy.
117
00:06:30,968 --> 00:06:32,834
Dibs on the head.
118
00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:34,701
I get the head.
119
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:36,100
No, he was my pet.
120
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:39,334
Yeah, well, I was the one
who didn't feed him.
121
00:06:39,334 --> 00:06:40,801
Oops.
122
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,000
Well, let's just fry him up,
123
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,801
and we'll say
next time I get a pet,
124
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:45,200
you can let him
starve to death.
125
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,067
Deal.
126
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:48,868
Ahh.
127
00:06:51,868 --> 00:06:54,133
Kel, I can't.
128
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:56,667
I mean, I just can't
eat Freddy.
129
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,267
He lived in my room.
130
00:06:59,267 --> 00:07:00,300
So does fungus.
131
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,167
Where do you
draw the line?
132
00:07:03,167 --> 00:07:05,667
At a fish I was proud
to call my friend.
133
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,000
Hey,
134
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,400
let's go outside and throw him
in front of a car.
135
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,000
Maybe we can get
some insurance money.
136
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:12,868
Oh, cool.
137
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:15,734
I'm glad they're gone.
138
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:19,367
They were
depressing me, Al.
139
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:20,901
So, honey,
there is no way
140
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:22,901
you're not taking me
to this reunion.
141
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,100
This year,
142
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:26,033
they're going to elect
a queen for the reunion.
143
00:07:26,033 --> 00:07:28,234
Now, I gave up being
queen of our prom for you.
144
00:07:28,234 --> 00:07:29,300
Don't you think
145
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,901
it's time you gave up
something for me?
146
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:32,934
Well, I guess
a little thing like my life
147
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,334
is meaningless, huh?
148
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:37,000
Oh, honey,
I never wanted your life.
149
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,033
I just took it
because it was there.
150
00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:42,434
But being reunion queen
is important to me,
151
00:07:42,434 --> 00:07:44,267
and I just know I can win.
152
00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:46,467
The only competition
I have to worry about
153
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,033
is that Connie Bender.
154
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:50,767
Yeah, Connie Bender.
155
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:53,968
I remember her.
156
00:07:53,968 --> 00:07:56,467
What do you remember, Al?
157
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:59,868
I remember her father
had a great coat.
158
00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:05,501
I know what you're trying to do.
159
00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:07,300
You're trying
to make me mad at you
160
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,200
so I'll tell you to stay home.
161
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,901
Well, it didn't work
at our wedding,
162
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:12,834
and it's not gonna work now.
163
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:18,300
You know,
it's amazing.
164
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:20,033
A million cars
on the road,
165
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,234
and you toss Freddy
166
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,000
in front of
an uninsured motorist.
167
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,734
Well, Kelly,
168
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:27,133
if you'd just gotten in the car
like the man asked,
169
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:29,834
we would have had 50 bucks.
170
00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:36,801
Well, let's just go upstairs
and check the webs for spiders.
171
00:08:36,801 --> 00:08:39,467
Yeah, well, just don't give me
any of that,
172
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,167
"Don't eat him, it's Stanley,"
173
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:44,000
because if it moves,
it's dinner.
174
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,267
Well, it's obvious
175
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:46,968
the kids have
upstairs covered.
176
00:08:46,968 --> 00:08:48,300
What's my dinner, Peg?
177
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:51,734
Furnace scrapings
du jour?
178
00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:54,000
Don't I do enough
as wife and mother?
179
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,100
[DOORBELL RINGS]
180
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:58,934
Al, your dog
burst into our house
181
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,834
and then hid under our bed.
182
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:03,334
He does that every day
around suppertime.
183
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,367
Quite frankly,
he needs a bath,
184
00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:07,501
and he won't listen
to a word I say.
185
00:09:07,501 --> 00:09:08,601
[LAUGHS]
186
00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:11,934
Doggy see, doggy do.
187
00:09:11,934 --> 00:09:14,267
Oh, that is such
a beautiful dress.
188
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:17,501
I just saw it
on Michigan Avenue,
189
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:19,667
but my husband didn't
think we could afford it.
190
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:21,267
See, Steve?
191
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:26,033
Al doesn't mind spending
$500 on his wife.
192
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:36,801
Is that what I spent on you,
pookie?
193
00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:39,501
Gee, I guess
I really do love you.
194
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:41,067
We're broke. You know that, Peg.
195
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:42,067
Oh, Al.
196
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:43,767
What difference does it make,
197
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,734
another month
in debtor's prison?
198
00:09:45,734 --> 00:09:47,367
I'm going
to be reunion queen!
199
00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:48,367
[GASPS]
200
00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:50,667
That's so exciting.
201
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,167
But if you're
going to be queen,
202
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,367
you can't just go
in a $500 dress.
203
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:57,734
You have to
accessorize properly.
204
00:09:57,734 --> 00:09:58,834
We could get you
205
00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:00,968
a beautiful
beaded evening purse
206
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,000
if you'd be willing
207
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,100
to bounce a check
for another $200.
208
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:07,834
Would you mind, honey?
209
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:09,501
So, Al,
210
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,033
what are you up for,
211
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:14,133
the coveted "Cartwheeling
to the Grave" award?
212
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,133
Okay, everybody,
213
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:17,534
let me put this
as plainly as I can.
214
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,634
I rule this house.
215
00:10:19,634 --> 00:10:20,634
I pay for it.
216
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:22,968
I rot within its walls,
217
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,501
and I make the decisions.
218
00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:25,934
And my decision is,
219
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,267
save that dress
for my funeral,
220
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:31,167
because we're not,
no chance, no way, no how,
221
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:32,234
going to that reunion.
222
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,701
And you're going
to have to buy some shoes.
223
00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:40,934
Oh, Peggy. Queen!
224
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:43,033
I'm so happy for you.
225
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:48,567
So, what will
you be wearing, Al?
226
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,501
The royal leash?
227
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,667
I don't understand.
228
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:02,634
I mean, the father's the boss,
isn't he?
229
00:11:02,634 --> 00:11:05,067
I mean, Robert Young
was the boss.
230
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,834
Fred MacMurray got some respect.
231
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,434
Even Fred Flintstone
had his day once or twice.
232
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,267
Are you telling me
233
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:15,367
I'm not the man
Fred Flintstone is?
234
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:18,234
Well, he had a better
job than you do.
235
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:22,901
Oh, come on, Al.
236
00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:24,901
Reunions are fun.
237
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:25,968
Every now and then,
238
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,267
you have to take
a stroll down memory lane
239
00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:30,767
and say hi
to Mr. Days Gone By.
240
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,000
Why, Steve and I
241
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,734
couldn't wait to go
to our respective reunions.
242
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:36,434
The failures
of our former classmates
243
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:40,400
were even greater
than we'd hoped and dreamed.
244
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,934
Yeah, remember that hotshot
visual-aids captain,
245
00:11:44,934 --> 00:11:46,534
Marcus Belsky?
246
00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:48,601
He's a tow truck
operator now.
247
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:53,834
Yeah.
Steal my compass, will you?
248
00:11:53,834 --> 00:11:56,367
Well, rot in hell, Belsky.
249
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,868
What about that
snot-nosed pompom slut,
250
00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:01,434
Courtney Pierce?
251
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:03,734
"Most Likely
to Succeed."
252
00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:07,934
Yeah, well, she succeeded
in growing a mustache...
253
00:12:07,934 --> 00:12:11,200
and bagging groceries
for $3.20 an hour.
254
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,934
Yeah, see? That's what
reunions are for.
255
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:17,000
To laugh and point
at the pitiful.
256
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,901
You know, Al, the wretches,
the failures,
257
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:20,501
The people who haven't
accomplished a damn thing
258
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:21,367
since high school.
259
00:12:27,968 --> 00:12:29,701
I, uh...
260
00:12:29,701 --> 00:12:32,400
Uh, I'm sorry, Al.
261
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:37,033
You know,
Barney Rubble wasn't much,
262
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,667
but at least he was supportive,
Steve.
263
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:43,801
Marcie,
let's go home,
264
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:45,033
punch up
265
00:12:45,033 --> 00:12:47,367
some of our old classmates'
credit ratings
266
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,067
on the computer,
267
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:50,234
and make love
268
00:12:50,234 --> 00:12:51,868
by the flickering ashes
of their lives.
269
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:54,234
Steve.
270
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:57,167
We'll make a bed
of our negotiable securities...
271
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,767
and do the wild thing.
272
00:13:02,634 --> 00:13:03,634
Why don't we get
273
00:13:03,634 --> 00:13:06,634
any negotiable
securities, Al?
274
00:13:06,634 --> 00:13:11,434
Because my wild thing
broke me.
275
00:13:11,434 --> 00:13:12,968
Now, get this
straight, Peg.
276
00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:15,267
There's is no way I'm going
to this reunion.
277
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,367
Listen, Al,
278
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,734
You said, "I'm not
taking you to the prom."
279
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:20,934
I said, "Fine."
280
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:21,934
You said,
281
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,133
"I'll only be
a shoes salesman
282
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:24,167
"for a couple of months
283
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:25,767
till I get my feet
off the ground."
284
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:27,167
I said, "Fine."
285
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:28,601
You said,
286
00:13:28,601 --> 00:13:30,701
"I don't know what's
wrong. I'm just tired."
287
00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:33,000
I said, "Fine."
288
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,100
I'm not saying
"fine" anymore.
289
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,601
We are going
to this reunion,
290
00:13:36,601 --> 00:13:38,033
and you're gonna
be proud of me,
291
00:13:38,033 --> 00:13:40,334
and I am gonna
be proud of you,
292
00:13:40,334 --> 00:13:42,567
because when people ask
what you do for a living,
293
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:46,167
you're going to say
you're a garbage man.
294
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,667
Peg, I don't want
to go to the reunion.
295
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,267
Can't we just forget
about the good times
296
00:13:50,267 --> 00:13:51,334
and get on with our lives?
297
00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:54,734
No, Al.
298
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,834
[SWEETLY]
Oh, come on, puddin',
299
00:13:56,834 --> 00:14:00,868
my little-wittle
hunky bear.
300
00:14:00,868 --> 00:14:02,133
Peg, don't
do this to me.
301
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,367
You know it shrivels up
all my working parts.
302
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:10,067
My yummy-wummy
hairy tummy,
303
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:15,000
my simple-wimple
pimple bottom.
304
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,434
Please.
305
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:17,567
Oh, honey,
306
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,767
I'll be a good girl
for the rest of my life.
307
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,234
I promise,
308
00:14:21,234 --> 00:14:23,901
and I'll never ask you
for anything ever, ever again.
309
00:14:23,901 --> 00:14:25,634
Okay, donkey-wonkey?
310
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:27,734
Oh, jeez,
I'll do anything.
311
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:30,200
Just shut up,
all right?
312
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,567
Fine, but now that
you insist on going,
313
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:35,367
there are going
to be a few rules.
314
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:36,834
First, I don't
want you talking
315
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:38,734
to any
of your old friends,
316
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:41,534
particularly
that little weasel, Eli.
317
00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:43,701
Hey, Eli was
a good guy, Peg.
318
00:14:43,701 --> 00:14:45,567
Good guys don't say,
319
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:48,133
"Hey, Bundy,
I got 20 riding on you.
320
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:50,701
Lower your head
and run into a brick wall."
321
00:14:50,701 --> 00:14:51,834
[CHUCKLES]
322
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:54,234
No one had ever
done that before.
323
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,701
You know,
I like to think if you hadn't,
324
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:03,834
you might actually
have been a garbage man.
325
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:05,400
Rule number two,
326
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,400
I don't want you
getting into any fights,
327
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,934
particularly with Jack.
328
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,267
Jack.
329
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:14,767
Yeah. I remember Jack.
330
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:16,868
I don't like Jack.
331
00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:19,000
He had this thing
about being the best.
332
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,834
Always trying to top me.
333
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:24,868
I'd make the team,
he'd make the team.
334
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:26,901
I set a record, he set a record.
335
00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:27,901
He passed a gallstone,
336
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:29,868
I married you.
337
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:34,334
We could never settle that tie.
338
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,701
Jack and me split the school
right down the middle.
339
00:15:36,701 --> 00:15:39,334
Half for him, half for me.
340
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:40,601
On graduation day,
341
00:15:40,601 --> 00:15:42,601
we were going to fight it out
in the schoolyard,
342
00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:44,701
me and him,
till one of us dropped.
343
00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:47,701
Well, then, something happened.
344
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:50,033
Yeah, I think
that something was Eli
345
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:53,901
betting you couldn't
jump over a Mustang going 50.
346
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:57,601
I was 2 inches
short of that, Peg.
347
00:15:57,601 --> 00:15:59,868
If my toe had just
cleared that driver's nose,
348
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:02,234
I'd have won
that $10 bet,
349
00:16:02,234 --> 00:16:04,100
and my fight with Jack,
350
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:06,000
and played college ball,
351
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,000
and married a debutante,
352
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,100
and been
rich and famous.
353
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,367
But everything
worked out just fine,
354
00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:13,601
I got no complaints.
355
00:16:13,601 --> 00:16:15,467
Oh, God!
356
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,167
[BAND PLAYING FUN, FESTIVE SONG]
357
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,200
* I say shotgun *
358
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,400
* Bap bah *
359
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,534
* Shoot 'em
Now you're gonna *
360
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,267
* Bap bah *
361
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:35,167
* Do the jerk, baby *
362
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:37,567
* Bap bah *
363
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:39,901
* Do the dirty dog *
364
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:43,701
* Da da da do
Do-whoo, do-whoo *
365
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,601
* Do do do do
Doo-doo, doo-doo *
366
00:16:45,601 --> 00:16:47,601
* Do do do do
Doo-doo, doo-doo *
367
00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:49,534
* Bap bah *
368
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:51,868
* Do do do do
Doo-doo, doo-doo **
369
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:55,534
[SPARSE CLAPPING]
370
00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,767
Can I take break now, Daddy?
371
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:05,968
Okay, Al,
372
00:17:05,968 --> 00:17:07,601
let's go over this
one more time.
373
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,801
Now, what do you do
for a living?
374
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:12,234
[FLATLY]
Garbage man.
375
00:17:12,234 --> 00:17:13,968
How often
do we make love?
376
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:15,767
Five times a year.
377
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,501
It's five times a week, Al.
378
00:17:18,501 --> 00:17:20,901
Oh, come on, Peg,
no one's going to believe that.
379
00:17:20,901 --> 00:17:25,601
I'm not asking you to do it.
Just say it.
380
00:17:25,601 --> 00:17:27,400
Okay, now,
how many children have we got?
381
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,067
None.
382
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,934
Okay, I think we're ready.
Let's go.
383
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:37,601
Oh, this is going
to be so much fun.
384
00:17:37,601 --> 00:17:38,634
I really love you, Al,
385
00:17:38,634 --> 00:17:41,534
for caring enough
to bring me.
386
00:17:41,534 --> 00:17:42,834
BOTH: Peggy!
387
00:17:42,834 --> 00:17:44,033
Peggy Wanker!
388
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:45,234
Oh, there's the girls!
389
00:17:45,234 --> 00:17:46,100
Step aside, bozo.
390
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,300
ALL:
Peggy! Peggy Wanker!
391
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,267
Oh, Peggy, you look
exactly the Same.
392
00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:55,400
Hey, whatever happened
393
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,367
to that good-looking
sex machine
394
00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:59,734
you were
sporting around town?
395
00:17:59,734 --> 00:18:02,100
[CLEARS THROAT]
396
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:05,701
You know,
Todd Fleming?
397
00:18:05,701 --> 00:18:07,501
Well, I thought
I could do better.
398
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:09,534
I was wrong.
399
00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:12,133
This is my husband, Al.
400
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,968
Al Bundy.
Of course!
401
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,434
Well, you look
the same too, Al.
402
00:18:17,434 --> 00:18:20,167
What a shame.
403
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,267
How's it going, Edna?
404
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,334
You don't look a day over 1000.
405
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,100
How you do it?
406
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:27,234
Just ignore him,
407
00:18:27,234 --> 00:18:28,467
much like success has.
408
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,734
So, everybody,
409
00:18:31,734 --> 00:18:33,734
do I have your votes
for reunion queen?
410
00:18:33,734 --> 00:18:36,300
ALL:
Of course you do.
411
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:38,934
But you didn't have to call me
all the way in New Mexico
412
00:18:38,934 --> 00:18:39,934
just to ask.
413
00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:41,334
That must
have cost you a fortune
414
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:42,734
to call the entire senior class.
415
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:47,767
$2000 phone bill this month.
416
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:48,868
ALL: Ooh!
417
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:52,934
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
418
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:55,901
That's just a drop in the bucket
compared to what you owe.
419
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,033
Well, that's
no problem.
420
00:18:58,033 --> 00:18:59,868
Can I make anyone
here a license plate?
421
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:03,501
Well, I got
to go circulate,
422
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:05,100
and I'm going
to see you girls later,
423
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,901
And, Peggy,
424
00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:09,868
you keep taking care
of that big lug.
425
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,267
Excuse me, ma'am.
I'd like to order a drink.
426
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,400
Peggy?
427
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,701
Peggy Wanker,
"Don't Bother To Thank Her"?
428
00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:35,133
Connie?
429
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,667
Connie Bender,
430
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:39,234
"Bring A Friend
It Won't Offend Her"?
431
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:42,968
Hi.
432
00:19:42,968 --> 00:19:43,968
Al.
433
00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:47,901
You are looking fantastic, Al.
434
00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:49,300
Do you remember me, Al?
435
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,601
Yeah.
436
00:19:51,601 --> 00:19:54,067
Wow. What happened?
437
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:56,367
No, I mean,
you look better standing up.
438
00:19:59,868 --> 00:20:02,133
He was always such a charmer.
439
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:05,534
So, what are you doing
these days, Al?
440
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:08,000
He's a garbage man.
441
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,567
And what about you,
Connie?
442
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:10,567
Are you married
443
00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:14,100
or still working
your way west?
444
00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:16,601
Oh, I'm married.
445
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:17,601
Honey.
446
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:18,501
[WHISTLES]
447
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,234
You remember Jack,
don't you?
448
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:23,434
Peggy!
449
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:25,267
Jack!
450
00:20:27,534 --> 00:20:28,734
Al.
451
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:32,200
You're, uh...
452
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,601
looking good.
453
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:36,901
You too, Jack.
454
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,801
You want to go outside?
455
00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:45,801
You bet.
456
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:49,934
Now, now, boys,
this is a reunion.
457
00:20:49,934 --> 00:20:52,767
No need to pick up
exactly where we left off.
458
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,133
If we did that,
459
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,534
Connie would be
in the coat room
460
00:20:55,534 --> 00:20:56,601
with the band.
461
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,834
Peggy,
did you hear the good news?
462
00:21:01,834 --> 00:21:03,667
I'm going to be reunion queen.
463
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:05,534
Care to be my hag-in-waiting?
464
00:21:05,534 --> 00:21:08,434
Oh, no. You're wrong.
465
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,434
Much as you're wrong
466
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:12,467
in thinking that
women don't need deodorant.
467
00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:18,801
You see, I'm going
to be reunion queen.
468
00:21:18,801 --> 00:21:20,033
Check your
numbers, baby.
469
00:21:20,033 --> 00:21:23,367
I am ahead
by a cool three votes.
470
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:24,534
I should know.
471
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:25,601
I called everywhere
472
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,234
in the
English-speaking world.
473
00:21:27,234 --> 00:21:29,767
That was your mistake.
474
00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:30,934
Well, that, and...
475
00:21:30,934 --> 00:21:32,534
that dress.
476
00:21:32,534 --> 00:21:33,400
Oh, Sumo!
477
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:36,834
You see, Peggy,
478
00:21:36,834 --> 00:21:39,634
I think you forgot
our foreign exchange students.
479
00:21:39,634 --> 00:21:42,000
You remember the Yohiro sisters?
480
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,868
I flew them in from Tokyo.
481
00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:47,200
By the way, Sumo,
who will you be voting for?
482
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,133
She who holds our passport.
483
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,000
Tough luck, Wanker.
484
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,968
Now, look here, Bender.
485
00:21:58,968 --> 00:22:01,801
I didn't spend $500
on this dress,
486
00:22:01,801 --> 00:22:03,234
$2000 in phone calls,
487
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:06,601
and $300 for these shoes
488
00:22:06,601 --> 00:22:08,033
to go home with this.
489
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:10,534
I swear
490
00:22:10,534 --> 00:22:14,200
by the hairs
on your chinny-chin-chin,
491
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,067
I will be queen of this reunion.
492
00:22:17,067 --> 00:22:19,734
Not when you're one vote short,
baby.
493
00:22:39,501 --> 00:22:41,367
[***]1
00:00:04,067 --> 00:00:07,234
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,234
ANNOUNCER:
Last week on
Married With Children,
3
00:01:17,234 --> 00:01:20,968
Peggy was excited about going
to their high school reunion,
4
00:01:20,968 --> 00:01:23,968
because she was sure
she'd be named reunion queen.
5
00:01:23,968 --> 00:01:26,267
Al was excited too.
6
00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:29,400
Meanwhile the kids
are starving.
7
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,167
Peggy's competition
for the crown
8
00:01:31,167 --> 00:01:34,167
is her old high school rival:
Connie Bender.
9
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:36,167
Al meets his rival, Jack,
10
00:01:36,167 --> 00:01:37,667
who wants
to pick up the fight
11
00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,234
they never had
in high school.
12
00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:41,934
At the reunion, Peggy learned
Connie has bought enough votes
13
00:01:41,934 --> 00:01:43,434
to win the crown,
14
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:45,767
and it looks like
Peggy's not going to be queen.
15
00:01:45,767 --> 00:01:47,601
The kids are still
starving.
16
00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:50,701
And now, Married With Children
continues.
17
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:58,801
Getting
a second chin?
18
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,534
Getting a second
forehead?
19
00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,000
Gee, Peggy,
20
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,434
I hope this doesn't ruin
the reunion for you.
21
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:10,267
Oh, don't worry,
Connie.
22
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:14,367
Seeing you look this old
more than makes up for it.
23
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:15,367
Come on, Jack.
24
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:16,868
They're serving
the shrimp cups.
25
00:02:16,868 --> 00:02:19,501
See you at
my coronation, Wanker.
26
00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:22,534
She still smells
like a bunch of men.
27
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,534
Oh, Al.
28
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:29,734
I'm not gonna
be reunion queen.
29
00:02:29,734 --> 00:02:33,200
I'll never know what it feels
like to wear that crown.
30
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,100
I'll never know
what it feels like
31
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:38,868
to have warm eggs and hot coffee
in my own home...
32
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:42,033
so you'll pardon me
if I don't feel your sorrow.
33
00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:44,868
Ten bucks says Al Bundy
can drive his head
34
00:02:44,868 --> 00:02:46,434
right through the door.
35
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,467
Oh, no.
36
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,767
Aw, hey, big Al!
AL: Eli!
37
00:02:50,767 --> 00:02:52,367
How are you, Al?
38
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:54,367
It's good to see you.
39
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:55,968
Hello, Peggy.
40
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,467
Don't touch me, Eli.
41
00:02:57,467 --> 00:02:59,834
Okay. No problem.
No problem.
42
00:02:59,834 --> 00:03:01,601
You know,
you marrying Peg
43
00:03:01,601 --> 00:03:03,467
was the only bet
I ever lost.
44
00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,801
Me too.
45
00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:07,968
So, what are you doing
these days, Eli?
46
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:10,133
I'm a psychiatrist.
What do you do?
47
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:11,634
A garbage salesman.
48
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:13,234
Ah, that's great.
That's great. Come on.
49
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:15,234
Say, why don't you say hello
to the gang.
50
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:16,467
They're sitting
over there.
51
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:17,734
I'm sitting
with the jocks.
52
00:03:17,734 --> 00:03:19,234
Why don't you
join them, huh?
53
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:20,734
Oh, after you.
54
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,300
Ooh, and after...
55
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,667
Bundy! Bundy!
Bundy!
56
00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,400
Al, how you
doing?
57
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,701
Jimbo.
Yeah.
58
00:03:28,701 --> 00:03:30,367
Rick.
Yeah!
59
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:31,367
Ah...
60
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,100
Uh...
61
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,100
Speedy.
62
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,567
How you doing, Al?
63
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:36,601
[COUGHS]
64
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:38,133
Gee, Speedy,
you're looking great.
65
00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:39,300
Exercise.
66
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:41,601
I'm a golfer.
67
00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:44,367
You look like you could
still play football, Al, huh?
68
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:46,000
How do you
stay in shape?
69
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,367
Running from Peg
on sex nights.
70
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:50,868
Al. Al.
71
00:03:50,868 --> 00:03:52,801
You want to see
something funny?
72
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:54,300
You remember
the nerds,
73
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,801
Tyrone
and Milton?
74
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,767
The guy who used to
eat his pen?
75
00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:00,567
Look at him over there
with the other nerds,
76
00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:02,367
still sitting
together.
77
00:04:06,834 --> 00:04:09,701
You should have done
your own homework, guys!
78
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:13,200
Aw, eat your pen,
Milton.
79
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:15,534
Hey, Peggy.
80
00:04:15,534 --> 00:04:18,534
Did you hear Connie Bender's
gonna be reunion queen?
81
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:21,767
Hey, Speedy. Did you hear
there's a new invention?
82
00:04:21,767 --> 00:04:23,634
It's called breath spray.
83
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:27,133
Now, I'm gonna go try to get
some more votes for queen.
84
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,634
You guys just sit back
85
00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:30,634
and reminisce
about being human.
86
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:33,467
Oh, and don't you do
anything stupid.
87
00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:35,801
Ugh!
88
00:04:35,801 --> 00:04:37,067
Don't worry,
beautiful.
89
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:38,467
I'll keep
an eye on him.
90
00:04:39,434 --> 00:04:41,100
Say, Al.
91
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:45,000
I just happen to have
this nail here.
92
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,367
Ten bucks says
Bundy can drive it
93
00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:49,267
through this table
with his head.
94
00:04:49,267 --> 00:04:50,534
Aw, come on, guys.
95
00:04:50,534 --> 00:04:52,300
I don't do that
kind of thing anymore.
96
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,367
I'm an adult now.
97
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:54,934
Oh, hey...
98
00:04:54,934 --> 00:04:56,100
What happened?
99
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,100
Your head ain't as hard
as it used to be?
100
00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,601
Huh, Al? Huh?
101
00:04:59,601 --> 00:05:01,200
Place your bets.
102
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,400
All right.
Come on.
103
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,601
Well, the boot soup
is almost ready.
104
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:10,901
Let it simmer,
Kel.
105
00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:12,033
I've got a plan.
106
00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:13,501
Now, you know
what they have
107
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:14,701
at reunions,
don't you?
108
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,701
A lot of old drunks
to roll?
109
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,567
Food, Bimbostein.
110
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:24,033
We're gonna crash
this party
111
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,767
and get some
for ourselves.
112
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,234
They'll never
let us in.
113
00:05:27,234 --> 00:05:28,734
We're under 80.
114
00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:30,434
[DOORBELL RINGS]
115
00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:32,267
I'll take care
of that.
116
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:34,901
Now, we just need
some information.
117
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,267
And I know the two
all-day suckers
118
00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:39,000
who can give it to us.
119
00:05:40,767 --> 00:05:42,901
Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
120
00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,834
Good of you to come.
121
00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:47,400
You said you needed some help
with your homework?
122
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,934
Yes. Do either of you know
anything about ancient history?
123
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,834
Why, yes we do.
124
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,868
Tell us about
the 1960s.
125
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,734
Well, strife
was rampant
126
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,167
because of
the civil war.
127
00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:03,767
But then came
electricity,
128
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:05,234
and before
you know it,
129
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:06,567
Marcie and I
went home.
130
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,067
Come on, Marcie.
131
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:09,267
Oh, now, Steve.
132
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:12,334
Their little minds are
reaching out for knowledge.
133
00:06:12,334 --> 00:06:15,334
Why, of course
we remember the '60s.
134
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:17,834
And, oh, what a time it was.
135
00:06:17,834 --> 00:06:19,968
Incense and peppermints.
136
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:23,434
Young Republican meetings.
137
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:29,667
Yeah. We cared
about things
138
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:31,367
in those days, kids.
139
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,634
I remember protesting
the dress code
140
00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,934
in our school.
141
00:06:35,934 --> 00:06:37,667
I still remember
the principal's face
142
00:06:37,667 --> 00:06:40,200
when we all took the pennies
out of our loafers
143
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,767
and wore our shirts
out of our pants.
144
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:47,300
And, if that
wasn't enough,
145
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:50,901
one day, I even put
a little dimple in my tie.
146
00:06:50,901 --> 00:06:52,234
He's a rebel,
147
00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:55,000
and he'll never ever
be any good.
148
00:06:57,734 --> 00:07:00,501
We may be asking
the wrong people.
149
00:07:00,501 --> 00:07:02,467
We're gonna have to go
to the library.
150
00:07:02,467 --> 00:07:04,467
Well, there goes
another thing
151
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,234
I said I'd never do.
152
00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:11,200
Well, yes, I do need
the votes,
153
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,634
but, um, I don't
do that anymore.
154
00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:18,567
But could you
vote for me anyway?
155
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:23,434
Votes. Votes. Votes.
156
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,868
Thelma!
157
00:07:26,868 --> 00:07:28,033
Thelma McKecknie.
158
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:29,200
Remember me?
159
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,801
Peggy Wanker.
160
00:07:30,801 --> 00:07:32,834
Candidate
for reunion queen.
161
00:07:32,834 --> 00:07:33,901
How you been?
162
00:07:33,901 --> 00:07:35,300
Oh, I've been
fine.
163
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:37,667
I've pretty much recovered
from your stealing Teddy,
164
00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:38,834
my high-school sweetheart
165
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,334
and the only man
I've ever loved.
166
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,100
Of course, you dumped him
a week later.
167
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,234
You stole
my boyfriend.
168
00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:47,934
You stole
my boyfriend.
169
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:49,801
You stole
my father.
170
00:07:53,968 --> 00:07:56,968
A-ha. Well,
just to let you know,
171
00:07:56,968 --> 00:07:58,968
I'm running for
reunion queen
172
00:07:58,968 --> 00:08:01,934
and I would really
appreciate your vote.
173
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,701
Ah.
174
00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:09,567
I guess this is
a Connie table, huh?
175
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:15,133
Oh, Al.
176
00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:16,634
It's no use.
177
00:08:16,634 --> 00:08:19,634
I've worked the room
for over an hour,
178
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:22,200
and I've lost
three votes.
179
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:25,234
Connie's gonna be
reunion queen.
180
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:26,467
By the way, honey,
181
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:28,200
how'd you hurt
your forehead?
182
00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:31,000
Um...
183
00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:33,501
shaving.
184
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:47,767
This is never
going to work, Bud.
185
00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:50,000
It's not Bud.
Moonbeam.
186
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,000
Tonight my name
is Moonbeam,
187
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,000
and your name
is Piece.
188
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,434
P-I-E-C-E.
189
00:09:04,701 --> 00:09:06,067
Now, act cool.
Okay.
190
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:09,667
Groovy.
Groovy.
191
00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:11,167
Groovy.
Groovy.
192
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,167
Groovy.
Groovy.
193
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:13,834
Groovy.
Groovy.
194
00:09:13,834 --> 00:09:16,434
Bud, didn't they say
anything besides "groovy"
195
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:17,934
back in the '60s?
196
00:09:17,934 --> 00:09:20,801
Well, girls like you
still said, "Come and get it."
197
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:25,534
Let me check through
my '60s vocabulary book.
198
00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:30,934
Hey, bro.
199
00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:34,367
Power to the people.
200
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:35,400
Free Huey.
201
00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:38,667
And Dewey
and Louie too.
202
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:42,567
You know, Kel,
203
00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:45,300
sometimes I think
I can actually hear
204
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:48,234
your brain
come to a halt.
205
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:49,234
Come on.
206
00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:52,901
Love.
207
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:54,801
Aquarius.
208
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,300
Hair.
209
00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,701
The answer, my friend,
is blowin' in the wind.
210
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:03,634
Turn on, tune in,
kill whitey.
211
00:10:06,701 --> 00:10:09,200
Al, tell us again
212
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,534
about your
winning touchdown
213
00:10:10,534 --> 00:10:13,100
for the city
championship.
214
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,767
Well, I don't know if I can
remember that much about it.
215
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:16,834
Let's see.
216
00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:18,367
Uh...
217
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:21,934
It was November 17th,
4:40 p.m.
218
00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:23,334
Wind coming out
of the southeast
219
00:10:23,334 --> 00:10:25,133
at 12 miles per hour,
gusting up to 30.
220
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,167
Al, let's go home.
221
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:30,167
Peg, home is
where the horror is.
222
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:31,667
Now, I'm talking
to Hooter.
223
00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:32,834
Vicky.
224
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:34,267
Vi-Vicky here.
225
00:10:37,534 --> 00:10:39,501
Now, why don't you
go run for something?
226
00:10:39,501 --> 00:10:43,200
You know, queen,
a man, a bus.
227
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,701
With grim
determination,
228
00:10:44,701 --> 00:10:47,801
I strode out
onto the field.
229
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,868
Oh, Peggy.
230
00:10:54,868 --> 00:10:57,434
I see you're
a little down.
231
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:59,234
Let me make you
feel better.
232
00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:02,667
I'll only be queen
for one night, but you...
233
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:06,300
why, you've got your whole life
to be nothing.
234
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,734
Feel better?
235
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,167
'Cause I know I do.
236
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,467
[BAND PLAYING ROCK]
237
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:17,934
* What becomes
Of the broken-hearted *
238
00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:22,634
* Who had hope
That once departed? *
239
00:11:22,634 --> 00:11:25,434
* I know I know
I've got to find *
240
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,434
* Some kind of peace
Of mind... **
241
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:36,400
Oh, Mr. Bundy,
you are so magnificent.
242
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:40,767
[GRUNTS]
243
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:44,067
Did you really give up
a chance to play for the Bears
244
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,567
for your wife?
245
00:11:45,567 --> 00:11:48,501
Yeah. I figured if I'm gonna
take a kick to the groin,
246
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:50,300
might as well be
for love.
247
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:55,167
You're a very
lucky woman.
248
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:58,334
Are you allowed
to vote for queen?
249
00:11:58,334 --> 00:11:59,334
No.
250
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,701
Then shut up.
251
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,167
[PLAYS GUITAR RIFF]
252
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:10,667
Hello, everyone.
Yeah, it's me: Tim Potter.
253
00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:14,167
You'll remember me as president
of the senior class
254
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,000
and now
of Tim's Mortuary.
255
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,901
Anyway, I know you're all
anxiously awaiting
256
00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:23,801
the vote
for reunion queen.
257
00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:25,400
Well, there's just
20 minutes left
258
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,400
for you to get your ballots
in the old box here.
259
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,434
And for the lucky gal
who's elected queen,
260
00:12:31,434 --> 00:12:33,934
we'll bury you
at half price.
261
00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:35,934
Of course we won't
bury you very deep.
262
00:12:39,934 --> 00:12:42,868
You know, Peg, I'm having
the time of my life.
263
00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:45,834
Being married to you,
I forgot how great I was.
264
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:48,901
Why, oh, why did I
leave high school?
265
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:51,734
You were 30, Al.
266
00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:04,734
Long time between
feedings, huh?
267
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:12,868
Long time between lovings,
too, sweet thang.
268
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,801
Give it up.
269
00:13:17,801 --> 00:13:19,734
You'd be eating alone
in a women's prison.
270
00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:25,601
Andy? Lola?
271
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:28,534
God, you two
haven't changed a bit.
272
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:33,100
It's Milton. Remember?
273
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,601
I eat my pen.
274
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:37,734
Get lost, geek.
275
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,033
You haven't
changed a bit.
276
00:13:43,968 --> 00:13:46,467
Well, I'm gonna be an adult
about this.
277
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,467
Connie's gonna be
reunion queen,
278
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:51,968
so I'm just going to
be happy for the old scuzzbag.
279
00:13:51,968 --> 00:13:53,467
What's that smell?
280
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:56,167
Do they let cattle
in here?
281
00:13:57,767 --> 00:14:00,300
Oh, hi, Connie.
282
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,267
Piggy...
283
00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:03,834
I see you've got
a good seat
284
00:14:03,834 --> 00:14:05,467
for my coronation.
285
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,801
We will need
a red carpet, though.
286
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:09,801
Can we use your hair?
287
00:14:09,801 --> 00:14:11,501
Everything but
the roots, I mean.
288
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:15,834
Well, if you need
a rug,
289
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:18,701
you could always
shave your back, hon.
290
00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:24,334
Hey, Al, I've done
a lot of thinking
291
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:26,334
about this rivalry
that we have
292
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:29,000
and I think
the whole thing is silly.
293
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,000
Truth is, I can't
think of a damn thing
294
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,267
you can do
better than me.
295
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:38,367
Well, why don't you ask
your wife about that, Jack?
296
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:49,033
All right, Bundy.
Bottom line...
297
00:14:49,033 --> 00:14:51,801
you know that fight
we were supposed to have
298
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:53,133
after graduation?
299
00:14:53,133 --> 00:14:54,634
I'm starting
to realize
300
00:14:54,634 --> 00:14:57,133
that maybe you
didn't hurt yourself
301
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,968
jumping over that Mustang.
302
00:14:58,968 --> 00:15:02,767
I think you
just punked out.
303
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:08,534
Say good night, Jack.
304
00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:12,801
Sit down, mongo.
You promised
305
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:16,167
if I brought you here,
no fighting.
306
00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:18,667
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. I must
have got a little carried away.
307
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,367
Yeah, see, for a moment there,
I thought I was a man.
308
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:25,300
TIM:
Kids, get those last votes in.
309
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:28,534
We tally the count and crown
the queen in one minute.
310
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,367
Hey, Bundy!
311
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:32,033
[IMITATES
CHICKENS CLUCKING]
312
00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:34,834
[TRIO IMITATING
CHICKENS CLUCKING]
313
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,901
Give a lady a seat.
314
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:45,267
Well, you know, Peg,
it's like I told you
315
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:48,767
on our wedding night
when you woke me up.
316
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:52,033
You sure know how
to ruin a good time.
317
00:15:55,601 --> 00:15:57,000
You know, Al.
318
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,501
I'm not gonna come out
a winner tonight,
319
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,033
but at least you can.
320
00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:04,033
You want him?
321
00:16:04,033 --> 00:16:05,767
Go get him.
322
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,200
Let's rock.
323
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:38,234
Fight! Fight!
20 bucks on Bundy.
324
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,567
Good luck, honey.
325
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,501
And remember,
I'm right behind you.
326
00:16:44,501 --> 00:16:47,167
Smash him! Crash him!
327
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:48,667
Beat his face in!
328
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:52,701
But, honey,
take your time about it...
329
00:16:52,701 --> 00:16:56,167
'cause I got
a little something to do.
330
00:17:04,601 --> 00:17:05,868
Kelly?
331
00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:07,234
Bud?
332
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,968
Wow! The colors.
The colors.
333
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:20,300
No, you're just having
cherry pie flashbacks.
334
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,033
Ride it out.
335
00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:27,868
I'm ashamed of you.
Sneaking out like that.
336
00:17:27,868 --> 00:17:30,667
Is that the way
I brought you up?
337
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:32,200
By the way,
338
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,901
Bud, honey,
can you pick a lock?
339
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:36,400
Yup.
340
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,100
And a nose.
341
00:17:40,234 --> 00:17:41,334
Okay, good.
342
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:43,133
It's this way.
Come with me.
343
00:17:43,133 --> 00:17:44,934
[CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE]
344
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:45,968
[AL GRUNTS]
345
00:17:45,968 --> 00:17:47,100
What's Daddy
doing?
346
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,634
Oh, playing
with his friends.
347
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:49,701
Now, hurry up.
348
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:57,334
A pathetic little lock,
wouldn't you say, Kel?
349
00:17:57,334 --> 00:17:58,834
Yeah,
a Jacobsen 360.
350
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:01,367
Single barrel,
two tumblers.
351
00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:03,000
Why didn't they
just lock it
352
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,701
with a piece
of gum?
353
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,467
Tweezers.
354
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:10,567
Tweezers.
355
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:13,234
Have you guys
done this before?
356
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:14,167
No.
357
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:16,701
Graphite.
358
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:17,901
Graphite.
359
00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:20,067
I'm gonna go see how
your daddy's doing.
360
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:24,534
[CROWD CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
361
00:18:25,868 --> 00:18:27,868
You can do it,
honey!
362
00:18:27,868 --> 00:18:29,901
[AL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
363
00:18:31,868 --> 00:18:34,834
Take your time, Al.
It's not sex.
364
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:43,400
How's it going,
kids?
365
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,634
Viola!
Oh.
366
00:18:45,634 --> 00:18:48,133
Um, it's voil,
Kel.
367
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:50,133
Hey, I failed
Spanish, okay?
368
00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:51,834
Quiet,
you two.
369
00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:54,200
Mommy's got
an election to fix.
370
00:18:57,601 --> 00:19:00,100
[CROWD CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
371
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:02,801
Hurry up, Mom.
They're coming back.
372
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:06,534
Who won? Who won?
373
00:19:19,901 --> 00:19:21,267
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Bundy! Bundy!
374
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:22,467
Dad!
375
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:23,801
Bundy! Bundy!
376
00:19:23,801 --> 00:19:25,634
Bundy! Bundy!
377
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:26,801
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
378
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:35,000
Well, I knew
you could do it, Al.
379
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,033
Buddy, you just
bought me a car.
380
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:39,534
Here's a dollar.
Go buy yourself a tooth.
381
00:19:39,534 --> 00:19:43,234
Oh, Al, I just knew
you could do it.
382
00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:44,968
Are you okay, honey?
383
00:19:44,968 --> 00:19:46,767
Well, actually, Peg--
384
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:48,968
Shh! They're gonna
announce the queen.
385
00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:52,000
All right! That was
some fight, huh?
386
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,501
And speaking of fights,
387
00:19:53,501 --> 00:19:56,000
it's time to pick
a queen.
388
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,400
You know, Peg, I really
think I need a doctor.
389
00:19:58,400 --> 00:19:59,667
Shh!
390
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:01,534
God, it's always
you, you, you.
391
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,901
Why didn't I
leave you at home?
392
00:20:04,901 --> 00:20:07,267
Let's have our four queen
finalists up here, please.
393
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:14,767
CONNIE:
I'm so happy
to be nominated.
394
00:20:16,234 --> 00:20:19,067
Gee, I wonder
who it'll be.
395
00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:20,567
Good luck, Peggy.
396
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,501
Good luck, Connie.
397
00:20:24,234 --> 00:20:28,067
And our Polk High
reunion queen is...
398
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,467
Larry Fleishman.
399
00:20:30,467 --> 00:20:31,434
Yes!
400
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,734
Throw out an anchor,
Fleishman.
401
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,100
I'm just kidding.
402
00:20:39,801 --> 00:20:41,200
Okay, really...
403
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,601
the winner is--
404
00:20:42,601 --> 00:20:44,801
And by a landslide--
405
00:20:44,801 --> 00:20:46,234
Every boy's fantasy,
406
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:49,000
every mother's
nightmare,
407
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,467
Peggy Wanker Bundy!
408
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,868
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
409
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:54,601
Bundy! Bundy!
410
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:55,968
Bundy! Bundy!
411
00:20:55,968 --> 00:20:57,100
Me?
412
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:58,667
Me? I...
413
00:21:00,267 --> 00:21:03,267
I just don't know
what to say.
414
00:21:03,267 --> 00:21:05,667
Out of my way,
she-dog.
415
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:10,968
And now the queen
will dance
416
00:21:10,968 --> 00:21:13,100
the spotlight dance
with her king.
417
00:21:16,601 --> 00:21:18,567
[BAND PLAYING ROMANTIC MELODY]
418
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:22,400
Oh, Al.
419
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,767
This is the best night
of my life.
420
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:26,868
That's great, Peg,
but, you know,
421
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:28,434
I really think
I'm hurt bad.
422
00:21:29,634 --> 00:21:32,000
Oh, honey, this is
such a beautiful moment.
423
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,234
Don't spoil it
with your whining.
424
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:38,534
You know,
I really am lucky.
425
00:21:38,534 --> 00:21:40,834
Out of all
the guys here,
426
00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:42,767
you're the best one.
427
00:21:46,133 --> 00:21:48,267
Aren't you gonna say
the same to me?
428
00:21:49,634 --> 00:21:51,868
Was the go-go dancer
in our class, Peg?
429
00:21:53,734 --> 00:21:55,367
No, Al.
430
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:58,434
Then I married the prettiest
girl in school.
431
00:21:58,434 --> 00:22:00,601
Oh, Al.
432
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,200
Honey, you know
what would top
433
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,634
this night off
just perfectly?
434
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:17,234
Oh, no.
435
00:22:18,968 --> 00:22:20,501
Aw, come on.
436
00:22:20,501 --> 00:22:23,000
You can't tell me
you don't want to.
437
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,501
What's that
in your pocket?
438
00:22:28,634 --> 00:22:29,868
My rib.
439
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:46,234
[***]1
00:00:03,901 --> 00:00:07,934
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:11,033
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:17,634
[GUNSHOTS, BUGLE
PLAYING "CHARGE"]
4
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:26,334
[EXPLOSION]
5
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:28,968
Ow!
6
00:01:30,734 --> 00:01:32,100
Hi, honey.
7
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,100
I just wanted to make sure
you were still alive.
8
00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,701
Sometimes
it's hard to tell.
9
00:01:36,701 --> 00:01:38,667
There's an
easier way, Peg.
10
00:01:38,667 --> 00:01:43,534
Dead men don't
wake up yelling, "No!"
11
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:46,367
Well, I just wanted
to be sure.
12
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,267
You know,
it would be just like you
13
00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:49,968
to drop dead
in front of this TV
14
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:52,968
the day before my big night out.
15
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:55,868
God, what a lump
of sour milk my life is
16
00:01:55,868 --> 00:01:56,868
that I'm actually
looking forward
17
00:01:56,868 --> 00:01:58,934
to a shoe convention.
18
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:00,234
Well, I'm not.
19
00:02:00,234 --> 00:02:02,200
Just another place
to remind me of my failures.
20
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,000
You know, work, home.
21
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:08,367
The bedroom.
22
00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:12,033
You're always there
for me when I'm down,
23
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:13,133
aren't you, babe?
24
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,834
Oh, I'm nothing special.
25
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:15,834
Just a wife.
26
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,400
Mm. You claim.
27
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,467
Anyway, Peg, I'm just not
really looking forward
28
00:02:20,467 --> 00:02:23,133
to speaking
in front of all those people.
29
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:24,434
I mean,
who started that tradition
30
00:02:24,434 --> 00:02:25,834
that the man
who makes the least
31
00:02:25,834 --> 00:02:28,534
has to introduce the man
who makes the most?
32
00:02:28,534 --> 00:02:29,834
Honey, you ought to be proud.
33
00:02:29,834 --> 00:02:31,434
I mean, no one else
34
00:02:31,434 --> 00:02:35,167
has held that honor
for seven years in a row.
35
00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:37,534
Why, hissing and booing you
36
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:41,300
actually seems to energize
the whole convention.
37
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:44,434
Peg, do you get
a special bonus or something
38
00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:46,834
if I don't reach 50?
39
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,000
Gee, I'm not really sure.
40
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,467
I should check.
41
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,167
But, honey, I don't what you
to ruin this convention for me.
42
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,167
It's my big night out.
43
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,167
I mean,
44
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:56,534
you have the glamour
and excitement
45
00:02:56,534 --> 00:02:59,801
of the shoe store
every single day.
46
00:02:59,801 --> 00:03:02,167
But I am stuck here
in this house,
47
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:03,801
eating bonbons,
48
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:05,868
watching that TV
all day long.
49
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:07,067
You owe me.
50
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:14,834
Yeah, you're right.
51
00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:17,033
I guess I really just
never stop and think of you
52
00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:19,200
on my gleeful journey
to the Mardi Gras,
53
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,501
which is my life
at the shoe shop.
54
00:03:22,501 --> 00:03:24,000
How can I repay you?
55
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,534
Well, honey,
you can do for Mommy
56
00:03:26,534 --> 00:03:28,200
that thing that great big Al
57
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,901
does best
for his itty-bitty wife.
58
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:33,467
Come on, honey.
59
00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:34,467
Do it.
60
00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:36,567
Take out the garbage.
61
00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:40,601
You know, Peg,
62
00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:42,400
you could just
put a straw in my ear,
63
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,667
and that way you could just
suck the life directly from me.
64
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:47,601
You know, I would,
65
00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:49,467
but there's just
not enough room in there
66
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:52,400
for a straw
and your finger.
67
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,667
Oh, I love you, too,
my little "ice pick in the eye."
68
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:01,367
Guys, step back and take
a good look at your future.
69
00:04:05,033 --> 00:04:06,400
Boy, when I get married,
70
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,234
my wife's going
to take the garbage out.
71
00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:12,267
And you'll get to keep
everything you earn too.
72
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:13,634
[LAUGHS]
73
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:19,601
Anyhow, amigos,
74
00:04:19,601 --> 00:04:21,133
my parents
are going out tomorrow.
75
00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:23,367
So, what's the plan
for Saturday?
76
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,400
Amigo poker night,
amigo blackjack,
77
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:29,267
or amigo "egg the
old people" night?
78
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,400
Uh...
79
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,534
Look, Bud,
we've been trying
80
00:04:32,534 --> 00:04:34,334
to figure out a way
to tell you this,
81
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:36,367
but we can't hang out with you
tomorrow night.
82
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:37,801
We got dates.
83
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,267
Dates?
84
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:44,467
H-h-how'd you guys
get dates?
85
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:46,767
Well, see, Bud,
you weren't there one day,
86
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:48,701
so instead of
throwing rocks at girls,
87
00:04:48,701 --> 00:04:50,667
we talked to them.
88
00:04:52,801 --> 00:04:54,167
Bud, it was amazing.
89
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,534
They didn't run away
or anything.
90
00:04:56,534 --> 00:05:00,467
Yeah, so I guess we'll see you
around school or something.
91
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,767
Come on,
we'll still be amigos and all.
92
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:05,667
You'll just be
the dateless amigo.
93
00:05:05,667 --> 00:05:07,300
[AL SCREAMS]
94
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,634
[CRASH]
95
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,133
What was that?
96
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:12,200
I don't know.
97
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,801
I guess my dad
fell and hurt himself.
98
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:14,667
Listen...
99
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:18,934
Now, if you guys can get dates,
100
00:05:18,934 --> 00:05:21,934
I can get a date,
no problem.
101
00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:25,200
Now that you guys
are finally ready,
102
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,601
Studly Bundy
can put out the word.
103
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:32,200
Club Bud
is now open for business.
104
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,634
No ID required.
105
00:05:37,634 --> 00:05:39,334
Hey, yeah,
your folks are gonna be gone.
106
00:05:39,334 --> 00:05:41,100
We can have
a really cool make-out party.
107
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:42,834
All right!
108
00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:43,701
Amigo salute.
109
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:47,567
Ow.
110
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:48,968
We gotta get
a new salute.
111
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:49,968
Yeah.
112
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:51,767
See you guys later.
113
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:52,767
Peg,
114
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,200
come downstairs, quick!
115
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,634
Bud, get over here.
116
00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:57,901
Family,
117
00:05:57,901 --> 00:06:01,601
I just fell in the garbage
and had a great idea.
118
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,667
Oh, Al.
119
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,000
You're going
to study really hard,
120
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,167
and take the test
for garbage man.
121
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,567
Why to go, Dad!
You'll pass this time.
122
00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,434
Oh, we're going
to be rich,
123
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:13,267
we're going to be rich!
124
00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:15,567
Oh, shut up.
125
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:17,901
I'm not going
to be a garbage man.
126
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,567
But I did have a great idea
for an invention,
127
00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:26,467
and it's gonna make us
so much money
128
00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:28,601
that people are going
to have to like us.
129
00:06:28,601 --> 00:06:31,334
[LAUGHS]
130
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,534
Now, I'm not going
to tell you about it right now,
131
00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:35,334
but I'm going
to go down to the basement,
132
00:06:35,334 --> 00:06:37,267
and I'm going to work
on my invention.
133
00:06:39,267 --> 00:06:40,267
AL: Whoa!
134
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,133
[THUD]
135
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,267
AL: Who am I?
136
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:49,033
Where am I?
137
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:51,767
Oh, that's right,
I'm Al Bundy.
138
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,267
Oh, no. Damn!
139
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:58,434
Hello, Mrs. Yarnell.
140
00:06:58,434 --> 00:07:00,801
Is the lovely Yetta at home?
141
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,901
Hey, babe.
142
00:07:04,901 --> 00:07:07,100
This is Bud Bundy.
143
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,434
You might remember me
144
00:07:08,434 --> 00:07:12,300
as the guy in the cafeteria
with straws up my nose.
145
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,200
Anyway, I was just thumbing
through my phone book,
146
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,300
starting with the Y's,
of course,
147
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:20,767
and good news,
I'm free tonight--
148
00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:22,434
Hello?
149
00:07:22,434 --> 00:07:23,767
Hello?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
150
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:32,934
Al said he had
some great news,
151
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:35,601
and I've got
a $70 bottle of champagne,
152
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,534
and a $10 bottle of wine.
153
00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:40,334
Are you moving away?
154
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,067
No.
155
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:46,367
Alrighty.
156
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:49,601
Are you going
on a very extended vacation?
157
00:07:49,601 --> 00:07:51,167
No.
158
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:54,367
Alrighty.
159
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,934
Well, if the news
is good enough,
160
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,534
I still have a Chiclet
in my pocket
161
00:07:57,534 --> 00:07:59,300
we could divvy up.
162
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:00,467
Now, Steve,
163
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:02,467
Peggy may think
we don't like them.
164
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:04,734
Is Al
going to prison?
165
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:08,133
Well, I'm sure at some point.
166
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:09,501
But right now,
167
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:11,701
he's down in the basement
making an invention.
168
00:08:11,701 --> 00:08:12,868
AL:
Peg, are they here?
169
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,367
No! No!
170
00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:15,868
Yes, they are, Al.
171
00:08:15,868 --> 00:08:17,667
AL: Well, sit them down
and shut them up.
172
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:19,367
Here we come.
173
00:08:24,334 --> 00:08:28,267
KELLY:
Daddy, I'm dying.
174
00:08:28,267 --> 00:08:30,567
It's hot under here.
I can't breathe.
175
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:33,801
Then you shouldn't be speaking.
176
00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:34,667
Stay here.
177
00:08:39,534 --> 00:08:41,200
Family,
178
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,901
honored guests...
179
00:08:42,901 --> 00:08:44,400
[GASPING]
180
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:50,367
Kelly, we're not going on
until you stop choking.
181
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:53,467
[COUGHING & RETCHING]
182
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:54,934
That's better.
183
00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:56,334
Now, where was I?
184
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:57,667
Ah.
185
00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:00,801
Let me take you back
to yesterday.
186
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,734
There I was, taking out
the garbage as usual,
187
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:06,200
when I tripped, fell,
188
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:10,067
and my head landed in the trash.
189
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,567
Normally,
I just hang out there
190
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:15,234
with my hopes and dreams
for a while,
191
00:09:15,234 --> 00:09:16,667
but not this time.
192
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:19,234
This time, a thought hit me.
193
00:09:19,234 --> 00:09:21,901
How can we, as a people,
avoid this?
194
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:24,033
Put a light bulb outside?
195
00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:32,467
Well, I suppose
that would work, too.
196
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:36,767
What happens
if we don't have no light bulbs?
197
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:38,300
Get a flashlight?
198
00:09:42,701 --> 00:09:45,200
Well, it's obvious
that you're not going to guess,
199
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,601
so I'll have to show you.
200
00:09:47,601 --> 00:09:49,834
Ladies and gentlemen,
201
00:09:49,834 --> 00:09:51,601
let me introduce you to...
202
00:09:51,601 --> 00:09:54,267
the wave of the future...
203
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,234
the Bundy shoe lights!
204
00:10:12,334 --> 00:10:13,734
Help me.
205
00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:21,000
Well, folks,
what do you think?
206
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,400
Let's hold the applause
till the end.
207
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,868
Now, I'll just turn Kelly on.
208
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:32,734
Then won't you be needing
some candy and $5?
209
00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:43,300
No, Bud, we won't.
210
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:44,901
Now, let me
just hook her up here.
211
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:46,901
Oh, Steve, is the plus
the positive or the negative?
212
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:50,300
Oh, that's all right.
We'll find out soon enough.
213
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:51,934
Now, Kelly...
214
00:10:51,934 --> 00:10:52,834
[CLICK]
215
00:10:55,801 --> 00:10:57,567
walk.
216
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,667
[CRASHING]
217
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:10,834
AL: What was that?
218
00:11:10,834 --> 00:11:11,834
KELLY:
I don't know.
219
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:13,234
I can't see anything
but the floor
220
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:15,334
in these
stupid shoes.
221
00:11:15,334 --> 00:11:16,934
PEGGY:
I think it was our lamp, Al.
222
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,334
AL: Who cares?
It's working!
223
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:20,033
It's working!
224
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:22,033
She's walking
in the dark.
225
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:26,701
It worked!
It worked!
226
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:28,701
I'm going to be
somebody after all.
227
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:31,133
[LAUGHS]
228
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,367
Thanks, Mom.
229
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:38,767
Was there no one else
you could marry?
230
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:43,734
Yeah. Like I could have really
seen this coming.
231
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:45,567
Ha, ha.
Shut up, Peg.
232
00:11:47,701 --> 00:11:50,467
Well, what do you think
of my little invention?
233
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,434
Oh, God.
234
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:55,467
This is really it.
235
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,701
This is all
he's going to be.
236
00:11:57,701 --> 00:12:00,467
This is all
he's going to have.
237
00:12:00,467 --> 00:12:02,434
And I'm going
to have it with him.
238
00:12:06,634 --> 00:12:07,801
Son?
239
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:10,467
It's "Bud" to you, Dad.
240
00:12:12,701 --> 00:12:14,133
Is it "Bud"
to you too, Steve?
241
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,734
No, Al.
242
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:20,734
I believe you got to have
faith in your vision.
243
00:12:20,734 --> 00:12:22,734
I had a dream
of my own once,
244
00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:25,367
an idea whose time
had truly come.
245
00:12:25,367 --> 00:12:27,367
Oh, God, Steve,
don't tell everyone
246
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:30,133
about your insane quest
to create a 99-cent coin.
247
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:31,033
Al...
248
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:38,000
I invented
the 99-cent coin.
249
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,834
Have you ever noticed
how things cost...
250
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:44,701
$7.99?
251
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:46,767
Fourteen dollars and 99 cents?
252
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:49,868
Ninety-nine dollars
and 99 cents?
253
00:12:49,868 --> 00:12:52,767
Well, my coin would eliminate
the messy change
254
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:54,367
that only catches the attention
255
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:55,834
of those obnoxious beggars
who hassle you
256
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:58,767
on your way to your Mercedes.
257
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:00,634
Think of it, Al.
258
00:13:00,634 --> 00:13:01,767
Anything you want.
259
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:05,467
You just plunk down
old number 99.
260
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,334
It's a plan without flaws.
261
00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:09,067
What about tax?
262
00:13:13,634 --> 00:13:17,501
You sound just like those fools
in the Treasury department.
263
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:20,334
Well, dear, maybe
if you didn't insist
264
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:24,000
on putting your picture
on the coin.
265
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,200
Who should it
have been, yours?
266
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,801
The important thing is, Al,
267
00:13:27,801 --> 00:13:29,601
you gotta see your dream
through, buddy.
268
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,534
All they can do is laugh at you.
269
00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:34,667
And audit you for
five straight years.
270
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:37,000
Now, come on, honey,
271
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,200
Let's go home.
272
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,234
Mommy will make you
some of that nice cocoa
273
00:13:41,234 --> 00:13:43,067
that makes you
all warm and sleepy
274
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:45,033
for two or three days.
275
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:49,567
Yes. I believe
I'd like some nice cocoa
276
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,701
with the little marshmallows.
277
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,300
Oh, wait a second.
It's dark out.
278
00:13:57,300 --> 00:14:00,167
Kelly, show them the way.
279
00:14:03,868 --> 00:14:05,334
Kelly, I heard a noise.
280
00:14:05,334 --> 00:14:06,667
Go see if it's a burglar.
281
00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:08,868
Kelly, I don't know
if this green meat is any good.
282
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:11,534
Taste it.
283
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:12,968
Kelly, I need someone
284
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:15,300
to look like a moron
and wear shoe lights.
285
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:19,200
No wonder I seek the shelter
of a stranger's arms.
286
00:14:22,801 --> 00:14:24,367
Oh, Kelly, hurry up home
287
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:26,734
because we're going to need you
to start the car.
288
00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:32,367
Peg, I don't care
what anybody says.
289
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:35,167
I'm holding onto my dream
to the bitter end.
290
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:38,400
Oh. Now I really am depressed.
291
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,200
I thought this was
the bitter end.
292
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,567
Come on, babe, I'm going
to make you a millionaire.
293
00:14:44,567 --> 00:14:46,901
Why, at this shoe convention
tonight,
294
00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:49,234
I'm going to show the world
who the real idiot is.
295
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:51,434
Bundy cheer.
296
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:56,767
Whoa, Bundy!
297
00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:04,434
Nobody whoa'd.
298
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:06,300
That's okay. That's fine,
299
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:07,834
but when those millions
start rolling in,
300
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:09,767
I'm going to be the one
at Burger King,
301
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:14,567
sucking down the Whoppers
at my own private table.
302
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:17,234
You'll wish you'd whoa'd then.
303
00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:18,567
Peg, I got to get dressed.
304
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:20,300
Come on,
I got to look great tonight.
305
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:21,901
All right, honey.
Let's go to the closet,
306
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:23,567
and get the suit
your father was buried in.
307
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,868
Kel, I've got a problem.
308
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,701
I need a date for tonight, bad.
309
00:15:36,701 --> 00:15:38,901
So how about setting me up
with some of your friends?
310
00:15:38,901 --> 00:15:40,868
You know, the tramp squad.
311
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:45,300
Bud, look at yourself.
312
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,234
Face the ugly truth.
313
00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:48,701
They don't have
woods deep enough
314
00:15:48,701 --> 00:15:51,033
to grow the kind of girls
who'd be willing to date you.
315
00:15:52,934 --> 00:15:55,634
I mean,
maybe you're aiming too high.
316
00:15:55,634 --> 00:15:58,567
You know, a live girl.
317
00:15:58,567 --> 00:16:00,934
See, your problem is
you've got caviar taste
318
00:16:00,934 --> 00:16:02,367
and a pizza face.
319
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:06,434
Aim a little lower.
320
00:16:06,434 --> 00:16:09,100
Hey, logs can't run away.
321
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:10,968
Well, then, there's the dead.
322
00:16:10,968 --> 00:16:12,767
I mean,
one who's been dead long enough
323
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,300
might even think
that you're a good catch.
324
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,868
Hey, I know.
325
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,901
How about a nice
department-store mannequin?
326
00:16:18,901 --> 00:16:23,467
I mean, they're used to being
undressed by sexless boys.
327
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:28,133
Thanks for the help,
bleached-blanket bimbo.
328
00:16:30,968 --> 00:16:32,000
They may call me bimbo,
329
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,100
but at least they call me.
330
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:45,300
Well, I'll tell you this:
I'll get a date, a real one.
331
00:16:47,234 --> 00:16:49,200
Mannequin.
332
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,100
The day I stoop low enough
to date a mannequin
333
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:55,067
is the day
I truly earn the name...
334
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,367
Bundy.
335
00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:13,367
Yeah, I know.
336
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:16,801
Pretty low, huh?
337
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:18,634
Okay, watch me hit rock bottom.
338
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:44,701
Well, now
for the finishing touch,
339
00:17:44,701 --> 00:17:46,901
a little love bite
from my woman.
340
00:17:50,133 --> 00:17:52,234
[WHIRRING]
341
00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:53,601
Ow!
342
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:56,634
Ooh.
343
00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:57,934
[DOORBELL RINGS]
344
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:07,634
Well, here we go.
345
00:18:11,434 --> 00:18:12,968
[SLOW, ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO]
346
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,300
Hey. Hey, guys.
347
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:28,634
What's up?
348
00:18:28,634 --> 00:18:30,200
Whoa, Bud.
349
00:18:31,701 --> 00:18:32,801
What?
350
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,033
Couldn't you wait for us?
351
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:41,801
I could.
352
00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:43,367
My babe couldn't.
353
00:18:46,133 --> 00:18:48,334
AL:
Good evening, fellow shoe men.
354
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:49,734
You all know me.
355
00:18:49,734 --> 00:18:50,934
[BOOING & HISSING]
356
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:53,968
MAN: Sit down, Bundy.
MAN 2: Go home, you stink!
357
00:18:53,968 --> 00:18:55,634
AL:
Yeah, I love you, too.
358
00:18:55,634 --> 00:19:00,133
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
the unveiling of Bundy...
359
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:03,801
A man and his shoe lights.
360
00:19:03,801 --> 00:19:05,200
Kelly, don't step
in the coin fountain!
361
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,200
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
362
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,467
KELLY:
Help! Help!
363
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:11,100
AL:
It's just a little fire, folks.
Don't panic!
364
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:13,534
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
365
00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:15,167
AL:
Shoe lights!
366
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:16,167
Get your shoe lights!
367
00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:17,834
Fire sale!
368
00:19:17,834 --> 00:19:19,701
[SOBS]
Oh, God!
369
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:24,100
[ROMANTIC MUSIC STILL PLAYING]
370
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,734
Oh, Monique.
371
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,033
[EFFEMINATELY]
Oh, Bud.
372
00:19:34,033 --> 00:19:36,167
Gee, you know, I never
really noticed before,
373
00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:38,834
but Bud's kind of cute.
374
00:19:38,834 --> 00:19:39,934
I know.
375
00:19:39,934 --> 00:19:41,934
I think I've seen
Monique before.
376
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:44,167
Wow, she's hot.
377
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:47,133
You know,
I almost bought that same dress.
378
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:51,200
I saw it in a store window.
379
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,834
Anyway,
I wish Bud would ask me out.
380
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:57,067
Look at Bud the Stud.
381
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,167
Hey, girls, come on back.
It's safe.
382
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,501
It's just a trick
I did with my armpit.
383
00:20:10,634 --> 00:20:12,100
Wow. Bud got a real woman,
384
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,067
and all we got
is dead wood.
385
00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:17,033
BOY:
You know,
386
00:20:17,033 --> 00:20:20,901
that girl with Bud
was checking me out.
387
00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:24,634
BOY 2:
Yeah, right,
a girl like that.
388
00:20:30,601 --> 00:20:32,634
Uh, well, guys,
I guess you're on your own.
389
00:20:32,634 --> 00:20:36,467
Monique wants to go upstairs.
390
00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:38,000
Later, gators.
391
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:45,467
GIRL:
Why can't guys be like Bud?
392
00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:50,100
GIRL 2:
Let's face it,
we're with boys.
393
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:51,734
Bud is a man.
394
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:53,901
He knows how
to treat a lady.
395
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:07,300
So you want a date, huh?
396
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,534
Gee, I don't know.
397
00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:11,234
I'm booked through June.
398
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:15,901
Maybe I could squeeze you in...
say, tomorrow?
399
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:17,567
Ciao,baby.
400
00:21:28,367 --> 00:21:31,234
All right, the shoe lights
didn't work.
401
00:21:31,234 --> 00:21:33,734
But when I stepped in
that mess in the yard,
402
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:35,667
I got another
great idea.
403
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:37,167
"Shoeper-scoopers."
404
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:42,501
We'll have Kelly follow
some people with dogs,
405
00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:45,100
and we'll
be rolling in it.
406
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:47,968
Wipe your feet
and shut up.
407
00:21:47,968 --> 00:21:49,300
Come on in here,
Kelly.
408
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:51,033
You're letting all
the heat out of the house.
409
00:21:58,334 --> 00:22:00,334
I will not...
410
00:22:00,334 --> 00:22:02,300
wear shoeper-scoopers.
411
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:04,400
[ZAP]
Ow!
412
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,701
[ZAP]
413
00:22:07,133 --> 00:22:10,200
Aw, that's
the electrocution talking.
414
00:22:12,334 --> 00:22:13,834
That's not
my little girl.
415
00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:18,367
Well, my night was hell.
416
00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:20,033
I was a Roman candle.
417
00:22:21,834 --> 00:22:22,834
How was yours?
418
00:22:22,834 --> 00:22:23,834
[ZAP]
419
00:22:23,834 --> 00:22:25,033
Not bad.
420
00:22:26,701 --> 00:22:30,267
She was a little stiff at first,
but, uh...
421
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:31,634
she loosened up.
422
00:22:43,601 --> 00:22:45,567
[***]1
00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:07,567
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
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[DOOR SLAMS]
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[DOG BARKS
OVER TELEVISION]
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BOY: What is it, Rinty?
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You say the bad men
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are coming from the southeast
by boat,
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and they're armed with knives?
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[DOG BARKS]
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They're armed with guns,
and they're foreigners.
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Good boy.
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Thanks to you,
the village will be saved.
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[DOG BARKS]
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Aw. We love you too, boy.
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[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]
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[SHUTS TV OFF]
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You know,
I just realized
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that we've got
someone in this house
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that eats,
lies around all day,
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and does
absolutely nothing.
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Aw, Buck is cute.
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I was talking
about you, Peg.
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But the dog's
pretty useless too.
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You know, something else
just dawned on me.
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That people can shower
during the week?
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No, love of my life.
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No, that there's no one
in this damn house
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does anything for me.
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Now, I'm the breadwinner.
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I deserve better treatment.
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Like, hey, I know.
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The next time
I come home from work,
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I want someone
to bring me my slippers.
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The question is who.
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Actually, when it comes
to your slippers,
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the question is how...
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As in how can a man
make his slippers
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smell even worse
than his feet?
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Hey, I sweat the sweat
of the dead, Peg.
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Anyhow, getting back
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to who's going to bring me
my slippers, you...
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Well, I think
you're untrainable.
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The kids don't care
if I live or die,
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so...I guess that leaves Buck.
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Maybe everybody can learn
from him.
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Well, that is how
we toilet-trained the kids.
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Of course, Bud was 5
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before he stopped
getting excited
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every time he saw a tree.
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[BOTH LAUGH]
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But that's what teachers
in kindergarten are for.
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Now, Buck,
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you just saw Rin Tin Tin
save an entire nation.
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Pretty inspiring, wasn't it?
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The least you can do
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is lift your head
and look at me,
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you shiftless, lazy--
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I can't believe it.
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You must be the laziest dog--
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Where does he learn this from?
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Peg, get up.
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Is dinner ready?
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Buck, you're gonna learn
to get Daddy's slippers.
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Now, I'm gonna pretend
that I just got home from work.
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Oh, boy, I'm beat.
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Just an average day.
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Kelly failed another test.
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Bud's dealing three-card monte
at the old folks' home.
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Mommy's in Oprah coma.
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Daddy earned a cool 75 cents
slaving in the shoe mines.
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Oh, boy, am I tired.
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My tootsies are killing me.
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Boy, would I like to have
some slippers
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to go on my feet.
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Al, forget about the dog.
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So you said you made 75 cents?
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Oh, God.
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Peg, I'm not giving up.
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See the problem is
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Buck doesn't know
my slippers,
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so I'm going to
show them to him
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and then give him
the scent.
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Honey...
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the whole neighborhood
knows the smell of your feet.
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Remember that incident
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with the burning Air Wick
on the front lawn?
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Go ahead, yuk it up, Peg,
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but as soon as Buck learns
how to make Tang,
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you're on the first bus.
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Dad...
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00:04:40,534 --> 00:04:41,734
why is Buck
rubbing his nose
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00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:44,234
back and forth
on the ground?
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It's a sign of pride
in male dogs.
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How was school today, Bud?
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Not that I care.
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I'm glad
that you asked that, Dad,
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because I'm not being
all I can be.
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Now, you know what
we need in this house?
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00:04:56,434 --> 00:04:59,167
Poison gas
coming through the vents?
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He only thinks
of himself.
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What do we need, dear?
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A computer.
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Okay.
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00:05:05,367 --> 00:05:07,734
Al, write him
a check.
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Oh, yeah, sure.
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00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:09,901
Hey, even better,
you know,
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go to the vault
where we keep the gold bars
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and chip off what you need.
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If anybody wants me,
I'll be at the country club.
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They're having
the big Al Bundy Golf Classic.
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I'm hole nine.
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Come on, Al.
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Don't you want Bud
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to have all the things
you never had?
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You know, an education,
a good job,
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a happy wife?
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You can't tell me that seeing
me up to my armpits in misery
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doesn't make you happy.
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Now, we're not
getting a computer.
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Computers are ruining
the country.
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Computers and women.
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Yes, and they're
quite similar, Al,
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because you don't know
how to turn on either one.
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I'm not interested
in either one.
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Mom, can I have
a computer?
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Of course
you can, dear.
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What color
would you like?
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I must be dead.
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I speak.
No one hears me.
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00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:07,734
Al, we have to get Bud
a computer.
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00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:10,534
He has a chance to be
the first Bundy ever
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to go to college.
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My Uncle Edwin went to college.
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He was a cadaver
for the pre-med students.
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and what about Kelly?
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She could use one.
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You know, she might wanna
go to college, you know?
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Oh, God.
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Remedial reading
test tomorrow.
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I mean, what do I care
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if Jack and Jill
fell down a hall?
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00:06:36,901 --> 00:06:39,234
I mean, why were they
even in the building?
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00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:45,634
Kelly, we're getting
a computer.
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Oh, cool.
What color?
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00:06:47,267 --> 00:06:49,601
Well, I was
thinking blue.
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00:06:49,601 --> 00:06:51,200
You know,
we really need one too.
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What do they do?
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Al, do you know
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00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,501
your dog is burying himself
in your backyard?
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00:07:00,501 --> 00:07:01,734
Well, I hope
150
00:07:01,734 --> 00:07:03,133
it's not the spot
by the hose,
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00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:05,567
because that
little plot's for me.
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00:07:05,567 --> 00:07:08,200
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades,
we're getting a computer.
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00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:13,534
Oh, Steve, a computer.
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00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,934
I remember
our first computer.
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00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,701
To buy it, we each decided
to give up something,
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00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:20,067
to sacrifice,
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so that we could have
our little computer.
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Steve gave up
getting a new car
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for another year, and I--
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00:07:25,734 --> 00:07:28,534
I gave up my class
on napkin-folding.
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Steve just let me.
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Now he's got
a new Mercedes,
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and I'll never know
how to make a napkin hat.
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Thanks, Steve.
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00:07:40,901 --> 00:07:45,467
But I'm working
that out in therapy.
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00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:47,100
Meantime, you're
getting a computer?
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00:07:50,534 --> 00:07:51,801
We don't need a computer
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And I'll tell you
what would happen
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if we got one.
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Just like
when we had the kids,
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everybody oohs and ahs
the first couple of days.
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Then after
the novelty wears off,
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it just sits there,
collects dust,
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and cries for food.
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No, I'm telling you,
nobody needs kids.
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No. I mean,
a computer.
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I used to be like you, Al.
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Well, not just like you.
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00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:21,701
I mean, I cared about
personal hygiene and...
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00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,601
had change for a dollar...
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00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:26,601
but I too
doubted the computer.
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No longer, Al.
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00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,968
The computer
can be your friend...
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00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,033
especially
on those long nights
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when your wife
isn't talking to you
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00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:33,834
because you can't
fold a stinkin' napkin.
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00:08:35,934 --> 00:08:37,534
Well, I need something
on those long nights
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00:08:37,534 --> 00:08:40,734
when my wife
is talking to me.
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Much like a family,
what will a computer do for me?
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00:08:42,968 --> 00:08:44,801
It can do all sorts of things,
191
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like keeping up
with sports scores.
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Newspaper.
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00:08:47,868 --> 00:08:48,868
Social events.
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00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:50,868
TV Guide.
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00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,834
Organizing recipes.
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00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:57,934
Don't eat.
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00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:01,801
Doctors' appointments.
198
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:04,267
Don't care.
199
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:06,334
Maybe we're talking
to the wrong person.
200
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:07,334
Peggy, a computer can be
201
00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:08,734
the most wonderful thing
in the world.
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00:09:08,734 --> 00:09:10,033
I'm sold.
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00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:11,067
No, really--
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00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,100
I don't care.
I'm sold.
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00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,400
Let's get one.
206
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:14,734
Hey...
207
00:09:14,734 --> 00:09:16,501
Hey, I make the decisions
around here...
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00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:17,701
BUD: I want
a laser printer.
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00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:18,868
And I'm telling you
210
00:09:18,868 --> 00:09:20,701
that there will not be
any computers in this--
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00:09:20,701 --> 00:09:23,701
And I want my dinner.
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00:09:23,701 --> 00:09:25,901
And my slippers.
213
00:09:25,901 --> 00:09:29,067
Because I'm the boss here,
damn it!
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00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,801
At least there's one place
that I'm still the king.
215
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:48,868
Boy, what a hard day at work
I had today.
216
00:09:48,868 --> 00:09:52,667
My feet are killing me.
217
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:56,434
Wish I had some nice slippers
to put them in.
218
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:06,534
Well, it's not quite it, Buck,
219
00:10:06,534 --> 00:10:09,367
but try to remember this
for when we go to the beach.
220
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:13,501
Okay, I don't think
I'm explaining it to you right.
221
00:10:13,501 --> 00:10:15,567
Come on up here on the couch.
222
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:18,400
Good boy. Stay.
223
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,701
I'm gonna go over here
and show you how it's done.
224
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:22,734
You stay there and be me.
225
00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:26,234
I'll show you
what a real dog's like.
226
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:28,267
Oh, look, my master's home.
227
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:31,634
Curse the luck that brought him
to that foul woman.
228
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:35,334
I'll bet he'd be
much more comfortable
229
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:36,534
with his slippers.
230
00:10:36,534 --> 00:10:38,400
I'll go get them for him.
231
00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:47,033
See?
232
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:48,667
See?
233
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:49,567
Huh?
234
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:56,734
Um, Mom...
235
00:10:56,734 --> 00:10:59,934
is this truly the end?
236
00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:02,801
Because if it is,
I'm not walking him.
237
00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:04,667
Don't worry, honey.
238
00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:07,667
If Daddy the dog
is anything like Daddy the man,
239
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,467
he'll just put a newspaper
under his paw
240
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:12,167
and lock himself in a tree
for an hour.
241
00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:18,434
Dad, wait till you see
what we got.
242
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:19,434
Al, you're
gonna be proud
243
00:11:19,434 --> 00:11:20,434
of what I did.
244
00:11:20,434 --> 00:11:22,234
I saved you $200.
245
00:11:22,234 --> 00:11:24,200
Thanks, Steve.
246
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,834
Yep, they wouldn't
give you anything off
247
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:27,033
on the $1200 model,
248
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:28,400
so I said,
"No way, Jos\
249
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,767
I am not leaving here
without a discount."
250
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:31,767
So I got them
251
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:34,167
to give you
a $200 rebate
252
00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:37,167
on this $2100 model.
253
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:43,501
Peg, you spent $1900?
254
00:11:43,501 --> 00:11:46,467
No. I spent $2100,
255
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:48,634
because with the $200
we saved you,
256
00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:52,033
I bought this dress.
257
00:11:52,033 --> 00:11:54,667
So, actually,
this dress was free.
258
00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:56,300
And you got
a $200 rebate.
259
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,567
Yeah, I guess that's what
my horoscope meant
260
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:08,200
when it said, "Kaboom."
261
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,200
Al, what you're overlooking
262
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,601
is all the things
this model can do.
263
00:12:11,601 --> 00:12:14,167
This...is a muscle machine.
264
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,367
It's fully loaded.
265
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,834
It has a 3600-baud modem,
266
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:20,267
a VGA, high-resolution
color monitor,
267
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:22,367
a 40-megabyte hard disk,
268
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,868
and seven megabytes of RAM.
269
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:33,300
Steve, it's the you
of computers.
270
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,234
You ain't just
whistling IBM, baby.
271
00:12:36,234 --> 00:12:39,767
Welcome to
Tomorrowland, Al.
272
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:41,167
Where would you
like it?
273
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:42,167
Put it over here
274
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,501
In "It's a Broke World
After All."
275
00:12:44,501 --> 00:12:45,968
Oh, Al...
276
00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:47,067
Just because
we're flat broke
277
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,067
doesn't mean
278
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:49,567
we have to live
like animals.
279
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:50,634
Now, this machine
280
00:12:50,634 --> 00:12:52,601
is gonna wind up
saving us money
281
00:12:52,601 --> 00:12:53,767
in the long run.
282
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:58,200
How? Does it emit powerful
life-draining radiation?
283
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,534
Well, I don't know.
284
00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:01,434
I don't even know
how to use it.
285
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:03,033
I don't even know
why we need it.
286
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,467
I just know I want it.
287
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:09,534
You know, like when
we had the kids.
288
00:13:09,534 --> 00:13:10,968
Let's set it up.
289
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:12,567
Hey, we can put it on the desk
290
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,934
where Daddy thinks
he's hiding money from us.
291
00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:17,434
Oh, no, let's put it
on the coffee table.
292
00:13:17,434 --> 00:13:19,267
Oh, we'd better
dust it off, though.
293
00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:20,901
We'll need something
to wipe it with.
294
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,934
Bud, go get
Daddy's good sweater.
295
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:24,934
You know,
296
00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:27,067
the one that his mother
knitted for him.
297
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:32,100
You're going to dust
for the computer?
298
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,067
When was the last time
you dusted for me
299
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:37,634
or cooked for me or listened
to one word I said?
300
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:40,133
Al, don't just
sit there silently.
301
00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:42,701
Say something
about the computer.
302
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:45,734
Is my family lost to me?
303
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:48,367
Am I the forgotten Marx Brother?
304
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,734
Am I Zeppo Bundy?
305
00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:54,501
Finally, someone who knows
306
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,133
who the real master
of this house is.
307
00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:58,534
Oh.
308
00:13:58,534 --> 00:14:00,868
COMPUTER [MALE VOICE]:
Hello, Al.
309
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:07,801
I cost you a lot
of money, didn't I,
310
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:10,734
and nobody's touched me,
have they?
311
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:13,601
Well, looks like
you were right again.
312
00:14:13,601 --> 00:14:15,033
Just like you were
about your marriage,
313
00:14:15,033 --> 00:14:16,601
your kids, and your job.
314
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,567
[LAUGHS]
315
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,167
Come on, smile for me, Al.
316
00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:22,534
I'm not so bad.
317
00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:24,467
Every family
needs a computer.
318
00:14:24,467 --> 00:14:26,767
[LAUGHS]
319
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:31,167
Dad, I've got
this book report due in...
320
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:32,968
Oh, God,
what do you call it,
321
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:34,567
the subject
with the words?
322
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:35,567
English?
323
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,234
Yeah.
324
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:40,100
So I've got this book report
for tomorrow on Moby Dick,
325
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,901
and I've been, like,
reading it for an hour
326
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:43,100
and I got stumped
on something.
327
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,834
Could you help me?
What?
328
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:48,033
Call who Ishmael?
329
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,167
Ah, me.
330
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,701
Kelly, look, we've got
a million-dollar computer
331
00:14:53,701 --> 00:14:54,734
sitting over here,
332
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:56,334
why don't you do
your report on it?
333
00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:57,467
I tried.
334
00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:59,734
I turned it on,
and I typed in "Ishmael."
335
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:01,667
Do you know
what it said to me, Dad?
336
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,701
"Ishmael."
337
00:15:04,701 --> 00:15:07,467
It even spelled it wrong,
and then it just sat there.
338
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:08,767
What am I gonna do?
339
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:12,534
Kelly, Daddy's a ticking
time bomb right now.
340
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:15,234
Ask your brother.
341
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:16,434
Hey, there, lonely boy.
342
00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:20,067
I've got
this book report.
343
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:22,467
Do you know
who Ishmael is?
344
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:23,934
Moby Dick?
345
00:15:23,934 --> 00:15:25,067
Yeah, you know it?
346
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,667
The classic whaling tale
by Herman Melville.
347
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:29,467
I know just about everything
there is.
348
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:30,667
What do you need to know?
349
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:32,701
What happens?
350
00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:34,834
Let's see.
351
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:38,000
Ishmael and the whale
were actually good friends...
352
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,100
and the whale would talk.
353
00:15:42,467 --> 00:15:44,234
Oh, cool!
354
00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:53,534
Yep.
355
00:15:53,534 --> 00:15:56,400
The whale would call him Wilbur.
356
00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:01,634
He called Ishmael, Wilbur?
357
00:16:01,634 --> 00:16:02,734
Exactly...
358
00:16:02,734 --> 00:16:04,667
Computer
didn't know that.
359
00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:13,701
And they sang
this classic whaling song.
360
00:16:13,701 --> 00:16:17,501
[TO THE TUNE OF "MR. ED"]
* A whale is a whale
Of course, of course *
361
00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:19,701
* And no one's talked to a whale
Of course *
362
00:16:19,701 --> 00:16:21,501
* Unless, of course
The whale, of course *
363
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:23,834
* Is the fabulous Mr. Dick **
364
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:29,167
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
365
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:31,400
You're going too fast.
You're going too fast.
366
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,534
Oh, this is so good.
367
00:16:34,534 --> 00:16:35,601
And I bet the whale
368
00:16:35,601 --> 00:16:37,501
wouldn't talk to anyone
but Wilbur, huh?
369
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:38,767
You hear that, Dad?
370
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:40,300
Make those
college reservations now
371
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:43,067
because this girl
is going places.
372
00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:46,868
Ah.
373
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,868
Bud, I hope you realize
when she grows up,
374
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:54,234
it's your responsibility
to take care of her.
375
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:55,534
Because when she's 21,
376
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:58,901
high school student or not,
she's outta here.
377
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:00,701
Don't worry, Dad.
378
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:02,234
Bud, hey,
379
00:17:02,234 --> 00:17:03,234
don't you want to play
380
00:17:03,234 --> 00:17:04,267
with the computer
or something?
381
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:05,667
Why would I wanna use
the computer
382
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:07,767
when I got a blank screen
like Kelly upstairs?
383
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:15,334
Al.
384
00:17:17,667 --> 00:17:19,067
Al?
385
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,701
What?
386
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:22,901
You don't look
comfortable, Al.
387
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:24,100
Why don't you
get the dog
388
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:26,334
to bring you
your slippers?
389
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:31,901
Buck.
390
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:34,067
Buck.
391
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:36,868
Boy, my tootsies are tired.
392
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:38,601
Buck.
393
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:39,601
Buck--
394
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,000
The damn dog is untrainable.
395
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,534
Good boy, Buck.
396
00:17:45,534 --> 00:17:48,067
Take it upstairs.
397
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,267
Good boy!
398
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:53,501
Close the door behind you.
399
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:54,400
[DOOR CLOSES]
400
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,834
He's a wonder dog.
401
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:01,033
Now, Peg, we've had
this computer for--
402
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:02,334
I know what
you're gonna say,
403
00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:03,801
that it's just
a waste of money,
404
00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:06,501
but I'm gonna use it
right now.
405
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:15,534
Oh, Al.
406
00:18:15,534 --> 00:18:17,501
It sets off
the whole computer.
407
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:21,300
Okay, before I embark
on our 78-month,
408
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:24,834
25-percent interest,
easy-payment plan,
409
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:25,834
you think you could
410
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:27,133
just turn
the damn thing on.
411
00:18:27,133 --> 00:18:29,367
Well, I don't know how.
412
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:30,801
Well, where's
the instructions?
413
00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:33,400
Well, I told the kids
pick them up off the floor.
414
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,467
They didn't,
415
00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:37,000
so to punish them,
I threw them away.
416
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,367
Peg.
417
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,234
I'm going to
say this simply,
418
00:18:40,234 --> 00:18:42,701
so we both
can understand.
419
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:45,300
Now, this computer
cost me a fortune.
420
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:46,567
Now, I don't plan
421
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:48,267
to watch our money
go down the drain
422
00:18:48,267 --> 00:18:50,300
like I did with the stove
and the refrigerator
423
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,634
and our marriage certificate.
424
00:18:52,634 --> 00:18:55,434
Now, as I slowly sink
into bankruptcy,
425
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:57,033
I want to have a memory,
426
00:18:57,033 --> 00:18:59,501
so I want you
to do something,
427
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,400
anything, with that computer.
428
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,501
[PRINTING, BEEPING]
429
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:07,701
There. You happy, Al?
430
00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:10,501
Yeah. Couldn't be happier.
431
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,701
He doesn't mean it.
432
00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:14,834
A wife knows.
433
00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:16,300
I may as well face it.
434
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,334
I didn't marry
a happy man.
435
00:19:18,334 --> 00:19:19,601
Yes, you did, Peg.
436
00:19:19,601 --> 00:19:22,667
You just turned him into me.
437
00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:25,834
He sells shoes,
he's flat-broke,
438
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:28,000
and it's me
that he's mad at.
439
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,000
Well, that's it.
440
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,400
I'm not spending
any more money
441
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,634
on Al's computer.
442
00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:34,634
Let's go buy
something for me.
443
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:35,868
I'll be right back.
444
00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:37,534
I'm just going to get
the kids' piggy banks.
445
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:44,434
Uh, Marcie.
446
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,267
We've been living
next door to each other
447
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:47,534
how long now?
448
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:50,901
Nine hundred and
thirty-seven days.
449
00:19:50,901 --> 00:19:52,501
Yeah, well, anyhow,
450
00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:54,734
I just thought, you know,
it's been a long time
451
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:56,234
since I did
something nice for you,
452
00:19:56,234 --> 00:19:58,234
so how about this?
453
00:19:58,234 --> 00:19:59,334
Buy this computer off me.
454
00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:01,334
Get it the hell out of my house.
455
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:02,801
It's real nice.
456
00:20:02,801 --> 00:20:06,801
It's got RAMs and bytes,
and it's got a hat rack.
457
00:20:06,801 --> 00:20:09,267
$2,500 worth of stuff
sitting there.
458
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,300
Make me an offer.
459
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:13,367
Thirty dollars.
460
00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:14,767
Thirty dollars.
461
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:18,200
I didn't say for my life,
I said for the computer.
462
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,300
It's only a week old
and it's never been touched.
463
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:21,968
Well, Al, to be honest,
464
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:23,968
it's slow,
it's underpowered,
465
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,534
it's obsolete.
466
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:26,634
Let's face it.
467
00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:29,567
It's the you
of computers.
468
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:30,667
Personally,
469
00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:32,868
I wouldn't fertilize
a farm with it.
470
00:20:32,868 --> 00:20:35,400
Okay, I'm ready to go.
471
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,033
I don't know how much I can buy,
472
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:39,200
but we can sure
park till we drop.
473
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,601
You know what
this computer needs?
474
00:20:40,601 --> 00:20:41,601
Another hat.
475
00:20:41,601 --> 00:20:43,067
[MARCIE & PEG LAUGH]
476
00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:49,434
Al.
477
00:20:51,234 --> 00:20:52,267
Al?
478
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,400
Leave me alone!
479
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,834
Okay, I'll just sit here
480
00:20:54,834 --> 00:20:55,868
and run
your electricity bill
481
00:20:55,868 --> 00:20:57,133
through the roof.
482
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:58,133
* Dum-dee-dum **
483
00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,133
That's about a quarter.
484
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,133
* Doo-dee-doody-doo **
485
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,200
37 cents.
486
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,601
Whoa! Ho, that's
a power surge.
487
00:21:03,601 --> 00:21:05,734
That's a buck.
488
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:07,567
Felt good, though.
489
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,067
Aw, come on, Al.
490
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:10,334
It's not just you.
491
00:21:10,334 --> 00:21:11,467
Me and my kind
492
00:21:11,467 --> 00:21:13,567
are really of no use
to a regular family.
493
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:15,467
I'm the pet rock
of the '80s, buddy.
494
00:21:15,467 --> 00:21:16,667
[CHUCKLES]
495
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:18,634
Aw, come back, Al.
496
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:20,567
I really can do great things.
497
00:21:20,567 --> 00:21:21,868
Listen,
498
00:21:21,868 --> 00:21:23,667
why did the shoe salesman
buy a computer?
499
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:24,901
Give up?
500
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:26,834
Because he's married to
an idiot.
501
00:21:26,834 --> 00:21:28,701
[LAUGHS]
502
00:21:30,701 --> 00:21:32,734
Al.
503
00:21:32,734 --> 00:21:34,934
What are you doing?
504
00:21:34,934 --> 00:21:36,167
Peggy?
505
00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:37,334
Kids?!
506
00:21:37,334 --> 00:21:38,534
What am I worried about?
507
00:21:38,534 --> 00:21:39,601
No one's stupid enough
508
00:21:39,601 --> 00:21:40,467
to break a $2500--
509
00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:55,067
Now...
510
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:58,601
Let's talk about
those slippers.
511
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:05,901
* Dum-dee-dum-dee
Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum *
512
00:22:09,133 --> 00:22:11,467
* Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum **
513
00:22:21,801 --> 00:22:23,367
[SIGHS]
514
00:22:25,367 --> 00:22:29,100
Now...I am truly king.
515
00:22:41,801 --> 00:22:43,834
[***]1
00:00:04,667 --> 00:00:08,601
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:10,968 --> 00:01:11,834
[DOOR SLAMS]
3
00:01:27,701 --> 00:01:29,701
Well, what did we get?
4
00:01:29,701 --> 00:01:31,701
Let's see...
5
00:01:31,701 --> 00:01:33,868
marble, a slug,
6
00:01:33,868 --> 00:01:38,100
and this quarter I got
from the blind guy.
7
00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:40,400
When he turned
to watch you bend over.
8
00:01:42,033 --> 00:01:45,000
Yeah, you know, it's amazing
how he sensed I was doing that.
9
00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:49,868
Right, Kel.
10
00:01:49,868 --> 00:01:52,367
Listen, there's gotta be
some money in this house,
11
00:01:52,367 --> 00:01:54,901
so you just keep
a good lookout for Mom and Dad.
12
00:01:54,901 --> 00:01:56,234
I'm gonna go through
their coat pockets.
13
00:02:08,501 --> 00:02:10,000
Hi, kids.
14
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,667
[LAUGHS]
15
00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,667
Gee, I'm really
glad you're here.
16
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,200
Has anyone seen my iron?
17
00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:21,501
Mom, we've given up
on getting food and guidance,
18
00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:23,167
but we need money.
19
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:26,267
Okay, kids, here's
what I'm gonna do.
20
00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:27,834
I'm gonna
take this change
21
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,501
and throw it in the air.
22
00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:32,767
Whatever you can grab
is yours.
23
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:33,934
You ready?
24
00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:34,968
Okay.
25
00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:38,434
KELLY:
Get her!
26
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:39,501
Hey, come on,
you guys!
27
00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:41,868
[CLAMORING]
28
00:02:41,868 --> 00:02:43,300
Kids, kids, kids!
29
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,167
Stop playing with
your mother for a minute.
30
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:50,534
I was just up in the bathroom,
31
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:53,400
and I had
an emotional experience.
32
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,234
You washed your hands this time?
33
00:02:58,367 --> 00:02:59,701
No.
34
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,834
[LAUGHS]
35
00:03:06,834 --> 00:03:09,334
Anyhow, I'd like to share
something beautiful with you.
36
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:11,334
I was up there
watching my little TV,
37
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:14,234
and I saw that they call
The Eight Family or something.
38
00:03:14,234 --> 00:03:16,167
You mean Eight is Enough.
Yeah, that's the one.
39
00:03:16,167 --> 00:03:20,667
Anyway, the fat one
they call "Dad"
40
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,934
had this great idea
that they all get together,
41
00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:25,501
and, well, I don't really know
what it was about,
42
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,667
but the important thing is
they were all together,
43
00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:29,367
and they did it as a family.
44
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,067
Now, it made me think.
45
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,934
See, we could
do more together.
46
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:34,400
For instance,
47
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,834
how much do we really know
about each other?
48
00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:38,534
Uh...
49
00:03:38,534 --> 00:03:39,400
Bud.
50
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,067
Right. Now, Bud, quick,
when's Kelly's birthday?
51
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,934
It was yesterday, Dad.
52
00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:52,501
Hey, I'm sorry
I missed it, honey.
53
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:55,367
Happy birthday,
sweetheart.
54
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,734
Okay,
but we're getting away
55
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:01,367
from the point of
this family thing.
56
00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,567
Do you realize that
we don't have a family picture?
57
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:05,067
Well, you know,
we were gonna get--
58
00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:06,801
Ah, we were always gonna.
59
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,000
We were gonna get the picture,
60
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,200
we were gonna
take that vacation,
61
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:13,334
we were gonna
get the kids vaccinated, but...
62
00:04:13,334 --> 00:04:15,000
something always came up.
63
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,167
Not today.
64
00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:18,334
Today is gonna be
Bundy Family Fun Day.
65
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:20,400
We are going to be
the four family.
66
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,367
Only question is
where are we gonna go?
67
00:04:22,367 --> 00:04:23,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
68
00:04:29,133 --> 00:04:30,734
Oh, hi, you guys.
69
00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:33,367
Gee, you look great.
70
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:39,868
And your house
looks lovely.
71
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:42,501
Anyhow,
72
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:43,567
as you can see,
73
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:45,701
Steve and I
are going to the beach.
74
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:47,033
It's a little tradition
we have.
75
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:48,434
On the first
sunny day in May,
76
00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:49,634
we always
go to the beach
77
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:51,300
to shake hands
with Mr. Summer.
78
00:04:53,868 --> 00:04:55,701
Yes, our little
summer tradition
79
00:04:55,701 --> 00:05:00,100
is watching Al sweat through
his pants onto Mr. Couch.
80
00:05:03,234 --> 00:05:05,467
Well, you're lucky, Al.
81
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:07,834
For you,
every day can be summer.
82
00:05:09,467 --> 00:05:11,300
But I digress.
83
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:12,367
We really didn't come over
84
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:13,934
to throw our happiness
in your face.
85
00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:16,334
Actually, I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.
86
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:18,000
What, grab
one of your wife's legs
87
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:18,968
and make a wish?
88
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,501
If you have chicken legs,
call me Colonel Sanders.
89
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:36,667
I know, baby,
you do chicken right.
90
00:05:39,901 --> 00:05:41,400
Guys, I'll tell you,
91
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,734
if I had eaten something
in the last 48 hours,
92
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:47,834
I'd be showing you
another little tradition I have.
93
00:05:47,834 --> 00:05:48,701
What do you want?
94
00:05:49,834 --> 00:05:51,300
Well, I, uh,
95
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:55,100
had a little fender bender
with a rather large gentleman.
96
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:57,033
So I did what any thinking adult
would do,
97
00:05:57,033 --> 00:06:00,367
I threw myself on the ground
and screamed, "Whiplash."
98
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:01,767
Unfortunately,
he and his carload of children
99
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,267
did the same thing.
100
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:05,467
You know, Steve, if I hadn't
seen you do it before,
101
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:06,501
I really would have believed
102
00:06:06,501 --> 00:06:08,968
your spine had snapped
like a twig.
103
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,901
I had those kids going,
didn't I?
104
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:15,300
Anyhow...
105
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,133
I forgot
my insurance card,
106
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,567
so I put the information
in this envelope form,
107
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:22,000
and I was wondering if
I could tape it to your door.
108
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,167
Why our door?
109
00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:24,400
I pleaded poverty,
110
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,367
and to prove it,
I gave them your address.
111
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:27,367
Thanks, guys.
112
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:28,868
Let's beach it, babe.
113
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:34,634
You know, Peg,
Steve just gave me a great idea.
114
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:37,501
We're gonna have
Bundy Day at the beach.
115
00:06:37,501 --> 00:06:38,834
Peg, what're you doing?
116
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:40,000
[SNIFFING]
117
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,501
There's a new odor
in this house.
118
00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:43,501
Al?
119
00:06:43,501 --> 00:06:44,667
[SNIFFS]
120
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:45,767
No, that's
the old one.
121
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,734
I think it's coming
from this envelope.
122
00:06:51,734 --> 00:06:53,601
Hey, I smell it
too, Mom.
123
00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:00,734
It's money.
124
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:06,801
But I don't recognize
the denomination.
125
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:10,901
Well, then it means
that it's more than five.
126
00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:12,834
Hey, I hope it's a G-spot.
127
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,667
Honey, that's a 10-spot.
128
00:07:23,467 --> 00:07:25,868
A $100 bill!
129
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:27,100
Gee,
130
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:29,234
the nerve
of that Steve.
131
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:31,033
He didn't trust us enough
to tell us
132
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:32,567
there was money
in that envelope.
133
00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:35,267
You know,
I am really hurt.
134
00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:37,667
Kids, now, I don't
want you to think
135
00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:39,767
that everyone is
as dishonest as Steve.
136
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:43,000
So to show you that honesty
is the only way,
137
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,667
we're going to
take Steve's money,
138
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,334
and leave a note
for that guy,
139
00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:51,501
telling him exactly
where to find Steve.
140
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:52,701
[LAUGHS]
141
00:07:52,701 --> 00:07:54,501
What a day!
142
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:56,467
We're gonna have
Bundy Day at the beach.
143
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,934
We're gonna
get a nice picture
144
00:07:57,934 --> 00:07:58,934
like that eight family,
145
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:00,334
and then we're going to dinner!
146
00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:02,434
Yeah, food! Yeah!
Yay!
147
00:08:02,434 --> 00:08:03,801
What, you're hungry too?
148
00:08:05,968 --> 00:08:07,701
Ah, what the hell?
Everybody eats!
149
00:08:07,701 --> 00:08:09,167
Yeah!
Oh, Dad!
150
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,868
Dad, look what we did!
151
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,467
[SEAGULLS CAWING]
152
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:22,834
Well, we're here!
153
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,367
Well, Kel,
154
00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:33,567
do I spell "man"
or what?
155
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:37,734
Well, if you connect
your zits, you might.
156
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:41,834
Well, either that
or "Mississippi."
157
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:43,667
Come here, Kel.
158
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,100
Yep. I hear the ocean.
159
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,501
Well, I'm buffed
and ready.
160
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:55,734
I'm gonna go
find me a babe.
161
00:08:55,734 --> 00:08:59,033
You couldn't find a woman
in a gynecologist's office.
162
00:08:59,934 --> 00:09:01,334
Oh, yeah?
163
00:09:01,334 --> 00:09:04,334
Five bucks says I get
a squeeze before you.
164
00:09:04,334 --> 00:09:05,200
You're on.
165
00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:08,267
It's a sucker bet, Kel.
166
00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:09,934
Because unlike
the dances at school,
167
00:09:09,934 --> 00:09:12,467
this time I get to
take my top off.
168
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:21,734
Okay, everybody,
169
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:23,234
let's get together
for the picture.
170
00:09:23,234 --> 00:09:24,400
Kids!
171
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,400
Damn!
172
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,067
I could've taken
that picture
173
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,133
and been home already.
174
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:30,634
Honey, take a picture of me
175
00:09:30,634 --> 00:09:33,534
so you can remember me
when I was beautiful.
176
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:35,834
What, you're gonna
get worse?
177
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:38,701
Shut up and take the picture.
178
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:46,534
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
179
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:49,501
Did you get it?
180
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:50,367
Got it.
181
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:52,701
[CHUCKLES]
182
00:09:53,334 --> 00:09:54,868
Ahhh...
183
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:02,868
WOMAN:
Hey!
184
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,767
You're in my sun.
185
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:08,968
I'm trying to get
an all-over tan.
186
00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:12,801
Well, you're asking a lot
of the sun.
187
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:14,367
[SOBS]
Oh!
188
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,467
[SIGHS]
189
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,200
Okay, honey,
let's get comfortable.
190
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,534
All right.
191
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:22,534
Foot powder.
192
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,400
Yep.
193
00:10:25,868 --> 00:10:26,934
Binaca.
194
00:10:26,934 --> 00:10:27,834
[SPRAY HISSES]
195
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:30,701
Deodorant.
196
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,033
[SPRAY HISSES]
197
00:10:33,868 --> 00:10:36,300
Zinc oxide.
198
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,801
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
199
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:40,000
Bug spray.
200
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,300
[SPRAY HISSING]
201
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,767
Okay...
202
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:46,968
Here's a little something
for you to read.
203
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:47,934
[GRUNTS]
204
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,334
Honey, will you
put oil on me?
205
00:10:52,334 --> 00:10:55,067
Oh, leave me alone.
206
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:56,367
Excuse me,
207
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,734
would you mind putting
some oil on my back?
208
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,934
Well, I-I'd be honored.
209
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,567
Hey, Al...
210
00:11:03,567 --> 00:11:05,334
Look at this.
211
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:06,200
[SCREAMS]
212
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,000
I'm sorry,
he can't right now.
213
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:12,868
He's blind.
214
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:17,701
Really?
215
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:20,067
Wait till I tell my friends
I made a blind man drool.
216
00:11:25,701 --> 00:11:27,033
You okay, honey?
217
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:27,901
Oh, peachy.
218
00:11:29,701 --> 00:11:30,734
Al...
219
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:33,701
let's make out.
220
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:35,467
[BOTH LAUGHING]
221
00:11:46,968 --> 00:11:48,367
[GRUNTS]
222
00:11:48,367 --> 00:11:50,667
Hey, nice throw, Chip.
223
00:11:53,701 --> 00:11:56,033
Excuse me there, girls.
224
00:11:56,033 --> 00:11:58,067
I didn't notice you there.
225
00:11:58,067 --> 00:11:59,400
So, babes,
226
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,133
it's nice to meet
some cool chicks
227
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:02,601
on a hot day.
228
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,000
My name's Bud.
229
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,067
[CHUCKLES]
230
00:12:08,033 --> 00:12:09,601
Hey, Bud,
231
00:12:09,601 --> 00:12:11,400
there's a fly
drowning in the oil
232
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,267
on what will someday
be your chest.
233
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,200
Bud, go long.
234
00:12:24,334 --> 00:12:27,000
Hmm, let's see...
235
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,601
who should I make
the lucky recipient
236
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:30,934
of what's behind
bikini number one?
237
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,634
Lifeguard!
Help! Help!
238
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:41,133
What's wrong?
239
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:42,868
I feel sad
every time I see
240
00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:44,200
an empty spot
behind a rock.
241
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,968
Would you join me?
242
00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:47,901
WOMAN:
Help! Help!
243
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:50,901
Phew.
244
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,501
If they can't swim,
why do they come to the beach?
245
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:20,000
I know that hand.
246
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,501
Al? Al Bundy?
247
00:13:23,501 --> 00:13:24,968
Well, don't you
recognize me?
248
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:27,834
Marilyn Beamis?
249
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,267
Hey, it's been a lot of years.
250
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:30,534
It sure has.
251
00:13:30,534 --> 00:13:31,667
You still look great, Al.
252
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:32,801
You work out a lot?
253
00:13:32,801 --> 00:13:34,367
No, I barely eat.
254
00:13:35,834 --> 00:13:36,934
What you been up to?
255
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:39,133
Well, I got married,
got divorced,
256
00:13:39,133 --> 00:13:40,300
had a couple of kids.
257
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,667
In that order.
[LAUGHS]
258
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:45,434
Uh, kids, listen,
be careful there.
259
00:13:45,434 --> 00:13:49,267
Don't get any sand
in the beer.
260
00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:50,267
You know,
261
00:13:50,267 --> 00:13:52,100
I think a lot about you, Al.
262
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,734
Remember those nights
at the drive-in?
263
00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,334
Used to hide me
in the trunk of the car
264
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:58,567
to save that dollar?
265
00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:01,634
And then it'd be
right from the trunk...
266
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:03,300
into the back seat.
Remember, Al?
267
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,501
[LAUGHS]
268
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:10,000
Yeah, those were
the good old days.
269
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,067
Oh, it's a nice day,
isn't it, Al?
270
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:13,400
Yeah.
271
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,367
Al...
272
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:18,934
would you do me
a small favor?
273
00:14:18,934 --> 00:14:21,968
Would you make love to me
right here, right now?
274
00:14:25,501 --> 00:14:28,501
Well, uh, see, uh,
I'm married.
275
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,868
Well, I don't care.
276
00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:37,868
Yeah, but she's, uh,
right here.
277
00:14:37,868 --> 00:14:39,434
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I don't care.
278
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,334
It'll make it more exciting.
279
00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:43,868
Well, I'll send the kids
away if you want.
280
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:46,734
[LAUGHS]
281
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:48,200
Yeah, Marilyn,
282
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,734
you always were one that
would go that extra mile,
283
00:14:50,734 --> 00:14:52,334
but, uh...
284
00:14:52,334 --> 00:14:53,901
I don't want this to get out,
285
00:14:53,901 --> 00:14:55,767
but, see, I really
kind of like my family.
286
00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:57,100
I don't think it'd be right.
287
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,534
Now, don't feel insulted
or anything.
288
00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:01,567
I'd say the same thing
to my wife if she asked for sex.
289
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,834
That's too bad, Al,
290
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:06,200
because you are
and always will be
291
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,834
the one man for me.
292
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,100
Gary?
293
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,567
Gary Cain,
you still look great.
294
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:14,100
You work out a lot?
295
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,300
Come on, kids.
296
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:17,133
That's a real gold chain
he's wearing.
297
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:22,534
Oh, I hate the beach.
298
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,400
Ooh, ooh, oohhh...
299
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,400
Beach-blanket bingo over here,
babycakes.
300
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,234
Oh, hi, Steve.
301
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:39,501
How was your swim?
302
00:15:39,501 --> 00:15:42,334
Well, the water's
a little polluted.
303
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:46,834
But invigorating.
304
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:47,834
Steve, you know,
305
00:15:47,834 --> 00:15:49,567
I just couldn't
take my eyes off you
306
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:52,200
as you emerged
from the water.
307
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:56,133
The sun glistening
off your powerful arms,
308
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:58,033
your blond-- Uh...
309
00:15:58,033 --> 00:16:02,434
dark hair framing
your powerful shoulders.
310
00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:05,901
You move with the easy grace
of a jungle cat.
311
00:16:05,901 --> 00:16:07,701
[PURRS]
312
00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:12,234
Well, you know,
my parents toyed with the idea
313
00:16:12,234 --> 00:16:14,133
of naming me Tiger,
314
00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:16,367
but then the yellow went away,
and they went with Steve.
315
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,000
Oh, God, it's
a beautiful day, isn't it?
316
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,567
Oh, yes. And a perfect spot.
317
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:27,367
Mother Nature,
this one's for you.
318
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,434
[SCREAMS]
319
00:16:32,467 --> 00:16:34,901
With you?
320
00:16:34,901 --> 00:16:35,868
Ugh.
321
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,067
[SNIFFLING]
322
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,834
My bucket's broken.
323
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,868
Take it easy.
I'll fix it for you.
324
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,234
Thanks.
325
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,300
You're my boyfriend.
326
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:02,167
Great.
327
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:07,300
Uh, excuse me.
328
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,901
Hi there, I'm Bud.
329
00:17:09,901 --> 00:17:11,334
Bud, uh, Bon Jovi.
330
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:17,300
We're doing
a rock video for MTV,
331
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,133
and I think
you just got lucky.
332
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:22,734
Really? I'd do anything
to be in a rock video.
333
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,400
And so you shall.
334
00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:32,100
Boyfriend?
335
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,467
Aren't you cute?
336
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:34,934
He's mine.
337
00:17:35,634 --> 00:17:36,801
[GASPS]
338
00:17:38,534 --> 00:17:39,400
How dare you?!
339
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,701
I love you, boyfriend.
340
00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:50,834
Want to play?
341
00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:54,701
Hi, cutie,
do you have the time?
342
00:17:54,701 --> 00:17:56,467
Not for you, tramp!
343
00:17:59,467 --> 00:18:00,834
How dare you?
344
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:12,300
Boring?
Are you kidding?
345
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,234
You are one of
the most interesting guys
346
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:15,701
I have ever met.
347
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:18,634
So tell me more
about your life's work.
348
00:18:18,634 --> 00:18:21,133
Well, my quest
for the perfect tan
349
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,567
started when I was only 12.
350
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,501
I came from
a poor family who, uh,
351
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:28,801
couldn't afford a tan.
352
00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:31,167
Wow. You've overcome
so much.
353
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,834
I love you.
354
00:18:43,434 --> 00:18:45,100
I give up.
355
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:48,501
Look, I gotta go over
and talk to this girl.
356
00:18:48,501 --> 00:18:50,334
Don't worry,
she's my sister.
357
00:18:50,334 --> 00:18:52,334
Can I come with you,
boyfriend?
358
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:53,667
Do I have a choice?
359
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:55,501
No.
360
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:57,968
It's like I'm married.
361
00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:02,434
Hey, Kel,
want to go for a Slurpee?
362
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:03,467
Got one.
363
00:19:06,868 --> 00:19:10,434
So, Chris, wanna take me
for a ride in your Vette?
364
00:19:10,434 --> 00:19:11,767
I don't really feel like it.
365
00:19:13,901 --> 00:19:16,300
Hey, Chris, want to take me
for a ride in your 'Vette?
366
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:17,167
Sure!
367
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,601
Gee...alone, Kel?
368
00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:35,200
Yeah.
369
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,067
Neither of us
did any good today.
370
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,267
I guess the bet's off.
371
00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:39,734
Yeah.
372
00:19:39,734 --> 00:19:41,167
He's my boyfriend.
373
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:50,367
[LAUGHS]
374
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:53,634
What, Steve? What?
375
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:55,167
Oh, just thinking
about that moron
376
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,400
I smacked into today.
377
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,467
I mean, he saw
our Mercedes,
378
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:01,834
and yet he thought
we were as poor as he was.
379
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,901
He was willing
to take 100 bucks.
380
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:05,100
Did you see the fluids
381
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,834
gushing out of
the bottom of his car?
382
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:09,868
A hundred bucks!
383
00:20:11,801 --> 00:20:14,367
I kill me.
384
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:15,334
Excuse me.
385
00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:18,834
Is this your Mercedes?
386
00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:21,801
Oh, Steve,
I'd recognize it anywhere.
387
00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:23,667
It's part of Klaus!
388
00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:27,434
By the way, uh,
389
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:29,300
the guy with the sledgehammer
said your note--
390
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,334
"Gone to the beach.
Ha ha, loser"--
391
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:32,968
doesn't quite cover his damage.
392
00:20:32,968 --> 00:20:35,033
Have a nice day,
393
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:36,133
and, uh...
394
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,567
swim with a buddy.
395
00:20:57,067 --> 00:21:00,033
One stinkin' picture
with my stinkin' family,
396
00:21:00,033 --> 00:21:01,834
that's all I wanted.
397
00:21:01,834 --> 00:21:03,067
Nope.
398
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:05,267
Too much for you, Bundy.
399
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:13,000
Oh... Hi, honey.
400
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,968
Gee, I guess
I fell asleep.
401
00:21:14,968 --> 00:21:16,133
I know.
402
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:19,000
I was kinda hoping we could
go swimming together.
403
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,167
I know.
404
00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:21,901
And, you know,
if you would have even
405
00:21:21,901 --> 00:21:25,400
laid a hand on that Marilyn,
I would've killed you.
406
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,567
I know.
407
00:21:28,234 --> 00:21:29,534
I thought
you were sleeping.
408
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:30,934
Aw, honey, you know
I can't sleep
409
00:21:30,934 --> 00:21:36,267
without my knee
in your back.
410
00:21:36,267 --> 00:21:37,868
But, you know, Al,
that was very sweet
411
00:21:37,868 --> 00:21:40,567
what you said
about liking your family.
412
00:21:40,567 --> 00:21:41,968
Of course, it would have
been sweeter
413
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,801
if you'd said
that after your wife
414
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,100
you were ruined
for all other women.
415
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:49,067
Well, that's
actually true.
416
00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:51,634
Well, we're ready to go.
417
00:21:52,968 --> 00:21:55,067
Hey, wait a minute.
418
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:57,834
What happened here?
Another kid?
419
00:21:59,467 --> 00:22:01,667
How long was I asleep?
420
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:05,567
It's Bud's squeeze.
421
00:22:05,567 --> 00:22:08,033
We're gonna have to
have a little talk,
422
00:22:08,033 --> 00:22:09,834
me and you, young man.
423
00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:11,033
But not right now.
424
00:22:11,033 --> 00:22:12,300
Right now,
I want a picture.
425
00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:14,000
Kids, go over there
behind your mother.
426
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,667
Little girl, little girl,
427
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,868
could you stand over there
and take our picture?
428
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,334
All right, now,
429
00:22:22,334 --> 00:22:24,200
pretend we're not
going home together.
430
00:22:25,934 --> 00:22:28,701
Oh, man, just the picture
I always wanted.
431
00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:30,000
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
432
00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:46,033
[***]1
00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:07,567
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:18,501
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:20,734
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,734 --> 00:00:25,133
* Go together
Like a horse and carriage *
5
00:00:25,133 --> 00:00:29,033
* This, I tell you, brother *
6
00:00:29,033 --> 00:00:34,534
* You can't have one
Without the other *
7
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,534
* Love and marriage *
8
00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:37,300
* Love and marriage *
9
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:43,934
* It's an institute
You can't disparage *
10
00:00:43,934 --> 00:00:46,701
* Ask the local gentry *
11
00:00:46,701 --> 00:00:51,234
* And they will say
It's elementary *
12
00:00:51,234 --> 00:00:53,534
* Try, try *
13
00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:56,133
* Try to separate them *
14
00:00:56,133 --> 00:00:59,868
* It's an illusion *
15
00:00:59,868 --> 00:01:02,133
* Try, try *
16
00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:06,634
* Try and you will only come *
17
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,467
* To this conclusion *
18
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,501
* Love and marriage-- **
19
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,834
Peg?
20
00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:29,200
Kids?
21
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,133
Thank you.
22
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:38,601
No wife, no kids...
23
00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:40,534
No pain.
24
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:43,734
The way God intended.
25
00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:46,334
[SIGHS]
26
00:01:46,334 --> 00:01:48,901
Now I'm truly alive.
27
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:54,367
Hi, honey.
28
00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,901
Are the kids home?
29
00:01:56,901 --> 00:01:59,267
What's it to you?
30
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:00,267
[SIGHS]
31
00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:01,334
Nothing really.
32
00:02:01,334 --> 00:02:02,367
I was just thinking
33
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:05,234
we could spend
some time together.
34
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:07,934
[TV TURNS ON]
35
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:09,300
[TV SHUTS OFF]
36
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,234
Isn't this nice?
37
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:24,234
Let's have sex.
38
00:02:24,234 --> 00:02:25,234
Wait a second, Peg.
39
00:02:25,234 --> 00:02:27,734
Didn't we do it
last month?
40
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:29,901
Yeah, but let's
finish it.
41
00:02:32,567 --> 00:02:36,033
Sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
42
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:37,934
[CRYING]
43
00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:41,000
Kids, save me!
44
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,434
No one can help you, Al.
45
00:02:42,434 --> 00:02:47,367
Take me on a 30-second trip
to the moon.
46
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,934
Damn. It's mom's birthday.
47
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:55,400
Kids.
48
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,133
Don't ever leave me alone
with your mother again.
49
00:02:58,133 --> 00:03:00,400
How was school?
50
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,734
It was fine, Mom.
51
00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:03,968
This is our last week.
52
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:06,100
Uh-oh.
53
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,467
I'd better start going.
54
00:03:09,601 --> 00:03:12,467
Kelly, are you failing again?
55
00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:14,601
Say something to her, Al.
56
00:03:14,601 --> 00:03:16,601
This is
no good, Kelly.
57
00:03:16,601 --> 00:03:19,400
Now, go play.
58
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,367
Let's not forget
we're parents.
59
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,868
Now, come on, Kelly,
60
00:03:22,868 --> 00:03:25,901
There must be someone at school
you can cheat off.
61
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:28,067
You can't be a junior forever.
62
00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:29,767
Oh, the pressure!
63
00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:31,400
"Kelly,
you have to go to school.
64
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,000
"Kelly, you have to pass.
65
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,033
Kelly, you have to learn
to read."
66
00:03:37,334 --> 00:03:40,634
How am I supposed to grow up
with this hanging over my head?
67
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:43,200
Come on now, sweetheart.
68
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,133
I know you can pass.
69
00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:46,968
You're a smart girl.
70
00:03:52,701 --> 00:03:55,400
You're right, Mom,
71
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,601
and I will not be seen
72
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:58,033
sitting next
to my little brother
73
00:03:58,033 --> 00:03:59,634
in "since" class.
74
00:03:59,634 --> 00:04:03,100
That's science class, Kel.
75
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,100
Oh, Al,
76
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:06,501
she's trying
so hard.
77
00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:08,234
Hey, maybe what I need
78
00:04:08,234 --> 00:04:10,400
is a smart little feeb
with no social life
79
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,434
to tutor me.
80
00:04:11,434 --> 00:04:13,801
Bud, would you help me pass?
81
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:15,601
I'll give it a shot,
82
00:04:15,601 --> 00:04:16,934
but I might have more luck
83
00:04:16,934 --> 00:04:19,534
teaching Buck
how to sing and dance.
84
00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:23,334
What subjects
do you need help in?
85
00:04:23,334 --> 00:04:24,334
I don't know.
86
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:25,868
What classes
am I taking?
87
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:30,601
Oh, Al.
88
00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:32,801
A warm family moment.
89
00:04:32,801 --> 00:04:36,534
Now, sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
90
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:38,300
Wait a second, Peg.
91
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:39,701
Remember, the kids are here.
92
00:04:39,701 --> 00:04:42,501
Now, if you wanna have sex,
they'll have to leave,
93
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:44,901
and if you want it to be good,
you'll have to leave.
94
00:04:47,734 --> 00:04:49,834
I want us to have
95
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:52,100
a beautiful expression
of our love.
96
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,100
Now, come on.
97
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,067
[GAGS]
98
00:04:57,534 --> 00:04:58,834
Now, let's go downstairs.
99
00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:00,033
You can put
some dirty laundry
100
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,067
on the ping-pong table
101
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:04,734
and disappoint me
as only you can.
102
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,200
Well, after you, sweetheart.
103
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,100
Uh-huh.
104
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,634
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
105
00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:21,133
PEG:
Open this door, Al!
106
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,801
When I get outta here,
107
00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:26,767
we're gonna do it twice!
108
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:30,734
That means
a full minute, Al!
109
00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:32,167
[POUNDING CONTINUES]
110
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:34,133
[AL WHIMPERING]
111
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:36,367
I deserve
a beautiful expression
112
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:38,534
of our love,
you slug...
113
00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:41,334
and I'm gonna have it!
114
00:05:41,334 --> 00:05:44,901
Oh...hi, kids.
115
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:46,868
[SIGHS]
116
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,701
So how's
the studying going?
117
00:05:48,701 --> 00:05:50,567
Great, we're on our way
to the library.
118
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,267
Bud's really been helping me.
119
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:53,767
We've been
studying history.
120
00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:55,334
For instance,
did you know
121
00:05:55,334 --> 00:06:00,133
that Thomas Jefferson's
wife was black?
122
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:03,133
He and Weezy
were poor once, you know.
123
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,901
He was a real
Renaissance man.
124
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:13,300
He was an architect
and a dry cleaner.
125
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,767
And a songwriter.
126
00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:16,300
Tell them, Kel.
127
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:18,300
Well, when Thomas Jefferson
was writing
128
00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:19,934
The Declaration
of Independence,
129
00:06:19,934 --> 00:06:22,601
on the back,
he wrote this song...
130
00:06:22,601 --> 00:06:25,100
* Well, I'm movin' on up *
131
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:27,000
* To the east side *
132
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,567
* To a deluxe apartment *
133
00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:30,968
* In the sky *
134
00:06:30,968 --> 00:06:32,200
* We're movin' on up *
135
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,267
* Movin' on up *
136
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,834
* To the east side *
137
00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:35,968
* Movin' on up *
138
00:06:35,968 --> 00:06:42,133
* We finally got
a piece of the pie **
139
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,300
Junior no more,
huh, Dad?
140
00:06:54,734 --> 00:06:58,267
Al, I'm worried
about Kelly.
141
00:06:58,267 --> 00:06:59,934
Oh, well.
142
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:03,400
Sit up, shut up,
and brace yourself.
143
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,367
Peggy!
144
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:07,234
There's something
disgusting going on
145
00:07:07,234 --> 00:07:09,300
in this neighborhood!
146
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,868
See, Peg?
Now everybody knows.
147
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:17,067
I knew we should have
skipped foreplay.
148
00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:19,234
What happened, Marce?
149
00:07:19,234 --> 00:07:20,901
It was horrible.
150
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:22,300
I was just getting
into my nightie
151
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,334
before Steve came home
152
00:07:23,334 --> 00:07:25,567
for a little
three-hour love fest.
153
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:30,434
It's all
we have time for
154
00:07:30,434 --> 00:07:31,534
on a work night.
155
00:07:34,434 --> 00:07:35,734
Then, I saw
this hideous face
156
00:07:35,734 --> 00:07:36,834
in the window.
157
00:07:36,834 --> 00:07:38,067
It was a peeper.
158
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,634
Men are slime.
159
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:41,267
That's right.
160
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,868
Here's one!
161
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:48,834
Hi, honey.
162
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:50,501
I thought I saw you over here.
163
00:07:50,501 --> 00:07:53,367
So, before I deck
the whole herd over there,
164
00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:54,367
what's going on?
165
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:57,033
Steve, I was peeped.
166
00:07:57,033 --> 00:07:58,801
It was awful.
167
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:02,067
He saw me in
all my nakedness.
168
00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:05,067
What did he see, honey?
169
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:08,667
Did-- Did he see
your jimmies?
170
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:12,934
He saw it all, Steve.
171
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:15,133
Marcy, did they
find this guy
172
00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:20,167
passed out in the bushes,
still twitching from fear?
173
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,767
Because I mean,
just the thought of it
174
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,467
gives me
the heebie-jeebies.
175
00:08:29,434 --> 00:08:33,334
Anyway, I screamed
and ran outside.
176
00:08:33,334 --> 00:08:34,934
The neighborhood women
came to my aid,
177
00:08:34,934 --> 00:08:36,200
and guess what?
178
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,834
He's been peeping
all over the neighborhood.
179
00:08:38,834 --> 00:08:41,567
We've got ourselves
a serial peeper.
180
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:43,667
He peeped me last night.
181
00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:44,667
Oh!
182
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:48,200
He peeped you?
183
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,501
Yes. It was horrible.
184
00:08:51,501 --> 00:08:53,734
How was it for you?
185
00:08:56,033 --> 00:08:57,167
Al...
186
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:58,601
Please.
187
00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:01,701
The fat and unattractive
have rights too.
188
00:09:01,701 --> 00:09:04,367
So do the beautiful.
189
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:05,868
I was peeped too.
190
00:09:05,868 --> 00:09:08,234
The beast!
191
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:11,167
Could you show us what he saw?
192
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,267
This swine must be stopped...
193
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:17,334
Yes!
Right.
194
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,801
And we are just
the babes to do it.
195
00:09:19,801 --> 00:09:20,901
That's right!
196
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:24,334
Yeah, no man
looks at me and lives.
197
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:27,234
You said a mouthful.
198
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,300
Let's lynch him!
199
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:29,634
That's it.
String him up, yes.
200
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,033
All right, but before
we hang him,
201
00:09:31,033 --> 00:09:32,534
we'll bring him to my garage.
202
00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:34,100
We have a stereo there
203
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,767
that we can use
to cover his screams,
204
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:40,067
and a-screamin' he will be.
205
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:42,734
I know a toenail
doesn't seem like much,
206
00:09:42,734 --> 00:09:45,968
but when peeled slowly away
from the peeper's body
207
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:49,467
with a pair of rusty tweezers...
208
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:52,534
then justice will finally belong
to the peepees!
209
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:54,734
ALL: Yes!
210
00:09:54,734 --> 00:09:56,934
Uh...Marcy.
211
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,234
What about the big boys?
212
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,200
Did he see them too?
213
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,801
Steve, how could he
see the jimmies
214
00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:07,667
and not see
the big boys?
215
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:09,534
Now, shut up.
216
00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:13,834
All right, then,
are we all together
217
00:10:13,834 --> 00:10:15,634
on the slow
and brutal death
218
00:10:15,634 --> 00:10:16,634
of this man?
219
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:18,200
ALL: Oh, yes!
220
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,200
What about you, Peggy?
221
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,200
Well, sure.
222
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,200
He must be st--
223
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,200
He peeped you too?
224
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,501
Is there anyone
this guy hasn't peeped?
225
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,834
Just you and Old Lady McGinty.
226
00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:31,767
OLD LADY: Something
must be done.
227
00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:34,701
I've just been peeped!
228
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,467
[ALL GASP]
229
00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,801
Oh, Al.
230
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:42,400
Nobody wants to peep me.
231
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,601
Hold me.
232
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,501
Well, nobody wants
to hold you, either.
233
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:09,067
Al, he's looking at me.
234
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:16,434
No, Peg.
It's an owl.
235
00:11:16,434 --> 00:11:17,434
Yeah, he's seen you.
236
00:11:17,434 --> 00:11:21,501
He's spinning
out of control.
237
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:23,100
Now he's down.
238
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,100
Well, you've killed.
239
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,834
Can we shut the window now?
240
00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,567
Al, tell me
the truth.
241
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,300
I'm losing my looks,
aren't I?
242
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:35,767
No!
243
00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:36,968
Oh, you're
just saying that
244
00:11:36,968 --> 00:11:38,767
because you know
that's what I want to hear.
245
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,634
Now, tell me the truth.
246
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,300
Am I losing my looks?
247
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,901
Yes.
248
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:50,834
You pig.
249
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:52,267
You know I'm down.
250
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:54,133
The least
you could do is lie.
251
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:58,200
Well, come on, honey,
sit down here a second.
252
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:01,734
He can't see me
if I'm sitting down.
253
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:02,968
Peg, look.
254
00:12:02,968 --> 00:12:05,067
This guy
is obviously crazy.
255
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,534
I mean, he must be crazy
if he won't look at you.
256
00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:09,367
You've got it all, Peg.
257
00:12:09,367 --> 00:12:10,834
Aw.
258
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:13,901
Like what, Al?
259
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,267
You know, like...
260
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:17,334
I don't know.
261
00:12:17,334 --> 00:12:20,534
I just said it
because I'm tired.
262
00:12:20,534 --> 00:12:22,634
Look, Al.
263
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:23,801
I let you sleep
264
00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:27,100
through the conception
of our two children,
265
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:28,734
but not this time.
266
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:31,901
No one is going to sleep
until I get peeped.
267
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:35,067
Well, Peg,
maybe it's just because
268
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,901
we're up here
on the second floor and all,
269
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:38,701
and it's hard
to get up here to look.
270
00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,367
That's no excuse.
271
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,634
I left a ladder
272
00:12:41,634 --> 00:12:44,200
and milk and cookies
on the ledge.
273
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,701
Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.
274
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,100
How's the studying
coming?
275
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,467
Great.
276
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:55,834
Kelly, tell Mom and Dad
the theory of relativity.
277
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:58,000
Mom and Dad
are my relatives,
278
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,601
therefore, I am.
279
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,501
That's terrific, honey.
280
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:09,801
Bud, can I talk to you
for a second over here?
281
00:13:09,801 --> 00:13:11,467
From now on,
282
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:13,934
I'm going to be
Kelly Bundy, senior...
283
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:16,534
not just a name
on the bathroom wall.
284
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:19,334
[SIGHS]
285
00:13:19,334 --> 00:13:20,334
[PATTING ON BED]
286
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:21,467
Now, son,
287
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,067
I know you're having fun
with your sister,
288
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:28,400
her being, well,
a dullard and all...
289
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,200
but if Kelly doesn't
get out of high school,
290
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,868
she'll never leave home.
291
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:34,334
Then Daddy will never
get his own room.
292
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:35,400
If that happens,
293
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,634
I just might run amok
in alphabetical order.
294
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:41,467
Do you understand, Bud?
295
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,267
I think I understand.
296
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:52,067
So, no "Shakespeare,
the friendly ghost"?
297
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:59,467
No "I Dream of Lincoln"?
298
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,400
No, Bud.
299
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,133
Why did you have me?
300
00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:06,968
Peg, why did we have him?
301
00:14:06,968 --> 00:14:09,200
Peg!
302
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,167
I have cookies.
303
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:13,167
[SIGHS]
304
00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:15,901
He's not coming.
305
00:14:15,901 --> 00:14:18,267
Nobody wants
to look at me.
306
00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:21,601
Nobody wants me.
307
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:24,334
Nobody loves me!
308
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:26,200
[WAILING]
309
00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:38,200
AL: You know what
you have to do, cowboy.
310
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,267
I care about you, pooky.
311
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,267
Really, Al?
312
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:51,167
Oh, yes.
313
00:14:51,167 --> 00:14:53,133
Do I ever.
314
00:14:53,133 --> 00:14:56,367
Just seeing you
over there by the window...
315
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:58,868
really turns me on.
316
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:05,167
Come to Daddy.
317
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:08,701
Oh, Al!
318
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:11,601
Oh, God.
319
00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:14,133
Well, it's not my fault.
320
00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:18,200
I'm sure he'll peep me
in his own good time.
321
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,534
Goodbye, Mom.
322
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:23,167
Well, the peeper
323
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:25,067
is still working
the neighborhood.
324
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:30,868
Everyone has been peeped twice,
and here I am, peepless.
325
00:15:30,868 --> 00:15:33,501
Oh, Peg.
326
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:35,901
Seeing you sitting there
by the phone
327
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,400
really turns me on.
328
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,501
Oh, shut up, Al.
329
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:45,167
You think I'm really satisfied
hearing you say,
330
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:48,100
"Twenty-eight, 29, 30,
I'm out of here"?
331
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,968
Now, I'm going upstairs
332
00:15:56,968 --> 00:16:02,000
to try on some clothes
in the window.
333
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,968
Maybe I ought to get a job
in the bomb squad.
334
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:06,934
At least then there'd be hope.
335
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:08,400
Hey, Dad.
336
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,400
What are you doing?
337
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:13,067
Sitting by
the dock of the bay...
338
00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:16,133
wasting time.
339
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,334
Is she learning anything?
340
00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:20,434
Kelly.
341
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:22,334
What's the
Bill of Rights?
342
00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:25,734
The first 10 amendments
to the constitution.
343
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,434
What are the three
main types of clouds?
344
00:16:28,434 --> 00:16:29,734
There are three--
345
00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:32,868
cumulus, cirrus,
and stratus.
346
00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:35,200
What is a synapse?
347
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,200
The junction...
348
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,801
a microscopic gap,
actually,
349
00:16:37,801 --> 00:16:41,400
of two neighboring
neurons or nerve cells.
350
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:47,801
That's incredible.
351
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:48,934
Good job, Bud.
352
00:16:48,934 --> 00:16:51,067
Thanks, Dad...
353
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,133
but, uh...
354
00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:55,067
there is one slight problem.
355
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:57,133
See, if you take
a gallon of knowledge
356
00:16:57,133 --> 00:17:00,367
and pour it
into a shot-glass of a brain,
357
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:03,000
you're gonna spill some.
358
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,267
In other words,
359
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:07,033
certain basic information
had to be sacrificed.
360
00:17:07,033 --> 00:17:08,033
Like what?
361
00:17:08,033 --> 00:17:09,133
[DOORBELL RINGS]
362
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,634
What was that?
363
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,501
The doorbell.
364
00:17:20,501 --> 00:17:23,234
Oh.
365
00:17:23,234 --> 00:17:25,734
Who's the old guy?
366
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:30,033
That's Dad.
367
00:17:30,033 --> 00:17:33,534
Oh.
368
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:35,667
Are you our dog?
369
00:17:43,968 --> 00:17:45,667
[DOORBELL RINGS]
370
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,200
Doorbell.
371
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:54,801
Al, I got a problem.
372
00:17:54,801 --> 00:17:58,200
This Peeping Tom thing
is ruining my marriage.
373
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,000
Marcy's so upset,
374
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,934
she hasn't let me
have sex with her
375
00:18:01,934 --> 00:18:02,934
for five days.
376
00:18:02,934 --> 00:18:05,267
Well, it could be worse.
377
00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:07,968
I've had sex with mine
for five straight days.
378
00:18:07,968 --> 00:18:09,467
Only way
I get through it
379
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:11,868
is to put a little TV
on the pillow next to her
380
00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:14,734
so I can watch
Get Smart.
381
00:18:17,334 --> 00:18:19,601
Well, I like
having sex with Marcy.
382
00:18:19,601 --> 00:18:20,801
Without sex,
I might as well
383
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:24,934
live with my mother
and be happy.
384
00:18:24,934 --> 00:18:25,934
At least
in the morning,
385
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:28,267
I get my juice
and vitamin in bed.
386
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:31,100
Really?
387
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:32,901
My mom would just
light me up a Lucky
388
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:34,834
and send me
off to school.
389
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,501
But help me, Steve.
390
00:18:38,501 --> 00:18:40,701
I can't go on
having sex with my wife.
391
00:18:40,701 --> 00:18:43,767
I can't go on
having sex without mine.
392
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:55,033
PEGGY:
Peeper's not coming.
393
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:58,934
Oh, God.
I need a man.
394
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:00,634
Let me see.
395
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:02,167
Oh, well.
396
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,033
Al!
397
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,467
Oh, take it easy, Al.
398
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:09,000
Once Peggy gets peeped,
399
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,901
things will be
back to normal...
400
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:14,367
whatever that may be
around this house.
401
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:15,601
PEGGY: Al!
402
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:18,133
Oh, sweetums...
403
00:19:21,734 --> 00:19:26,634
You know what
you have to do now, cowboy.
404
00:19:26,634 --> 00:19:30,000
PEGGY:
* Love for sale *
405
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,901
* Tantalizing young-- *
406
00:19:31,901 --> 00:19:34,801
[GARGLES AND SPITS]
407
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:37,300
* Love for sale *
408
00:19:57,467 --> 00:20:01,767
Whoo...
409
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:04,801
Whoo!
410
00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:06,934
Peep, peep, peep.
411
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,367
Peeper here.
412
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,801
Hmm. Cookies.
413
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:31,300
Peep, peep.
414
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:36,701
Aw, the hell with it.
415
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:37,701
WOMEN:
There he is!
416
00:20:37,701 --> 00:20:38,901
It's him!
417
00:20:38,901 --> 00:20:40,400
MARCY:
Let's get him, girls.
418
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,968
WOMAN:
Get the gasoline!
419
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:44,501
Help, help!
420
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:47,868
Peeper, peeper!
421
00:20:47,868 --> 00:20:48,968
It's about time.
422
00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:50,467
How dare you?
423
00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:52,067
[SCREAMS]
424
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:55,667
MARCY:
Now we've got you!
425
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:58,000
Start it up, girls.
426
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,000
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
427
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,200
[AL SCREAMS]
428
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:11,267
Oh, honey, that was
so sweet of you
429
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:12,467
to pretend to be
the peeper
430
00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:14,534
just to make me
feel good.
431
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:15,534
[SIGHS]
432
00:21:15,534 --> 00:21:17,067
Well, great news.
433
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,067
Last night,
434
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,067
while you were
in intensive care,
435
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:23,000
I finally got peeped
by the real peeper.
436
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,467
Isn't that great?
437
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:25,501
I'm so happy for you.
438
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,234
Mm, mm...tooth.
439
00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:34,100
Oh, and by the way, honey,
440
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:35,968
the neighborhood women
really feel bad
441
00:21:35,968 --> 00:21:38,634
about setting you
on fire like that.
442
00:21:38,634 --> 00:21:39,834
That's okay.
443
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:42,267
I'm just sorry I kept
going out on them.
444
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:45,634
Must have been
all that sweat.
445
00:21:47,167 --> 00:21:48,267
Folks...
446
00:21:48,267 --> 00:21:51,667
a big welcome for Kelly Bundy...
447
00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,968
senior.
448
00:21:53,968 --> 00:21:55,033
I passed!
449
00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:56,334
PEGGY: Oh!
450
00:21:56,334 --> 00:21:58,367
Ow.
451
00:21:58,367 --> 00:21:59,467
Thank God,
452
00:21:59,467 --> 00:22:01,868
I don't have to
study ever again.
453
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:03,334
I'm a senior.
454
00:22:03,334 --> 00:22:04,334
Oh, man,
455
00:22:04,334 --> 00:22:07,167
two more years,
and I graduate.
456
00:22:07,167 --> 00:22:09,501
Oh, honey, this calls
for a real celebration.
457
00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:10,501
Let's go out.
458
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:11,901
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
459
00:22:11,901 --> 00:22:13,400
Can somebody bring me
my medicine here?
460
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,400
Let's spend
Daddy's money.
461
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,534
Daddy's money!
462
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:17,133
The painkiller's
wearing off over here.
463
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:22,367
Oh, the hell with them.
464
00:22:22,367 --> 00:22:23,467
At least I'm alone.
465
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:25,334
Now I can relax.
466
00:22:42,968 --> 00:22:45,834
[***]1
00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:07,567
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:17,601
ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
We'll be back in a moment
with Dr. Sandy,
3
00:01:17,601 --> 00:01:22,501
Channel 67's leading authority
on sex and weather.
4
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:25,267
Mom, how are we
gonna get money?
5
00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:28,200
Dad took his wallet
in the shower with him.
6
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,400
Yeah, and as we all know,
7
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,300
when we rifled
his pants last night,
8
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,701
we found a note in his pocket.
9
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:33,834
It said,
10
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:37,701
"It's in my underwear.
I dare you."
11
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:38,934
Dad's playing hardball.
12
00:01:38,934 --> 00:01:40,334
What're we
gonna do, Mom?
13
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,200
Ah, don't worry about it.
14
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,234
That's not his real wallet.
15
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:47,567
This is.
16
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,033
But won't Dad know?
17
00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:51,200
No, I bought a duplicate wallet,
18
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,234
and I filled it
with Xeroxed money.
19
00:01:54,234 --> 00:01:55,534
The way I figure it,
20
00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:56,734
if your dad's got the gall
21
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:58,167
to go out
and buy himself something
22
00:01:58,167 --> 00:01:59,234
without telling the family,
23
00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:01,601
he deserves to go to jail.
24
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,234
ANNOUNCER:
And now we're back
25
00:02:05,234 --> 00:02:09,100
with Dr. Sandy
and viewer mail.
26
00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,000
SANDY: Our first letter
is from "desperate,"
27
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,033
a.k.a. Peggy Pundy.
28
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,601
She writes,
"Lately my husband,
29
00:02:16,601 --> 00:02:17,968
"we'll call him Sal,
30
00:02:17,968 --> 00:02:19,601
"shows no interest in sex,
31
00:02:19,601 --> 00:02:21,834
at least not with me."
32
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,434
Well, my dear,
33
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:26,033
perhaps a change of venue
would spice up your sex life.
34
00:02:26,033 --> 00:02:31,033
Have you tried doing it
in the living room?
35
00:02:31,033 --> 00:02:32,901
Or the kitchen.
36
00:02:35,634 --> 00:02:37,901
And there's always
the bathroom.
37
00:02:37,901 --> 00:02:39,767
[TOILET FLUSHES]
38
00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:44,367
Try it, Mrs. Pundy.
39
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:45,367
You'll like it.
40
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:46,367
I did.
41
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,601
[CLICKS OFF TV]
42
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:51,100
Well, Peg, I'm showered
and ready to go to work
43
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:54,601
and edge ever closer
to the grave.
44
00:02:54,601 --> 00:02:55,801
Wish me luck.
45
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:59,334
Al, take me.
46
00:03:00,834 --> 00:03:04,834
I want to have sex
on the kitchen table.
47
00:03:09,133 --> 00:03:13,634
I want to have a meal
on the kitchen table.
48
00:03:13,634 --> 00:03:15,000
Learn to live without.
49
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,467
I did.
50
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:17,667
Goodbye.
51
00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:19,267
Al, I'm serious.
52
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,734
I want sex.
53
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,501
Peg, how long
have we been married?
54
00:03:22,501 --> 00:03:25,501
Forty, 50 years?
55
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,167
Do we not have two children?
56
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:28,434
Well, yeah.
57
00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:30,033
Then my job is done.
58
00:03:32,033 --> 00:03:34,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
59
00:03:34,334 --> 00:03:35,667
Good morning, Al.
60
00:03:35,667 --> 00:03:37,067
Try selling shoes.
61
00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:41,501
Marcie, let me
ask you something.
62
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:45,801
Have you and Steve
ever, uh, done it
63
00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:46,801
in other places?
64
00:03:46,801 --> 00:03:49,634
You mean like planes, buses,
65
00:03:49,634 --> 00:03:52,334
the observation deck
of the John Hancock building?
66
00:03:52,334 --> 00:03:53,601
Ahhh...
67
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:54,567
Sit down.
68
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:58,200
Marcie,
69
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,267
I am trying to put
70
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,033
some excitement
and spontaneity
71
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,634
back into our sex life.
72
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:03,901
Actually,
73
00:04:03,901 --> 00:04:06,334
I'm trying to put Al
back into our sex life.
74
00:04:06,334 --> 00:04:09,367
Well, let's start
with seduction.
75
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:10,667
What's your technique?
76
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,267
Well, what works best
77
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:14,534
is when I leave a trail
of chocolate bars
78
00:04:14,534 --> 00:04:16,968
from the bathroom to the bed.
79
00:04:16,968 --> 00:04:20,200
Of course, the trick is
to space them out just right
80
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,934
so that he doesn't eat too much,
81
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:24,434
or he'll doze off
before he gets to me.
82
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:26,300
Perfectly normal,
83
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,467
perfectly normal.
84
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:32,067
But remember, Peggy,
men are like little boys.
85
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,667
You have to make sex naughty,
86
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:36,234
filthy and degrading,
87
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,934
the way they like it,
88
00:04:38,934 --> 00:04:40,968
and the way we need it.
89
00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:44,901
So whenever I want to put
a little more...
90
00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:47,601
beef in Steve's jerky...
91
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,968
I take him to this nice,
little romantic motel
92
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:53,334
out near the airport.
93
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,501
It's called the Hop-On Inn.
94
00:04:57,634 --> 00:04:59,567
Isn't it
beautiful?
95
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,100
I think I know
what's going on here.
96
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:10,200
The chocolates in the car,
the oil on my zipper.
97
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,934
You want sex, don't you?
98
00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:17,367
No, I want
a fur coat,
99
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:20,767
but I'll take what's
behind zipper number one.
100
00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:22,367
Peg, if you scare him
like this,
101
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,634
he'll never come out.
102
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:27,267
Look, Al,
I want sex.
103
00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:30,534
Do you want to be
conscious or not?
104
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:33,167
Oh, come on, honey.
105
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,033
We could start
with a Jacuzzi.
106
00:05:35,033 --> 00:05:37,667
Aw, Peg,
I hate Jacuzzis.
107
00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:39,267
They shoot air up my butt.
108
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:46,400
Well, that's
a nice change of pace.
109
00:05:48,501 --> 00:05:50,567
Oh, look.
110
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:54,701
They left us a movie,
a mood enhancer.
111
00:05:54,701 --> 00:05:56,334
"Filth."
112
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:58,567
Sounds pretty romantic.
113
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,000
Well, I'm just gonna change.
114
00:06:02,968 --> 00:06:04,267
Okay, Al.
115
00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:07,367
Pop in the movie,
pop in a breath mint,
116
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,901
and let's coax the mummy
out of his crypt.
117
00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:15,000
I don't want to have sex.
118
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,801
You're my wife, for God's sake.
119
00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:20,868
Hasn't having the kids
taught you anything?
120
00:06:20,868 --> 00:06:23,200
Nothing good comes of it.
121
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:27,200
Now, sit down
and watch this movie.
122
00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,868
Now, isn't this fun?
123
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:38,000
Whoa.
124
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,534
I didn't know a human leg
could do that.
125
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:46,167
Oh, I want that.
126
00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:48,067
Oh, and I want that!
127
00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:50,934
And I definitely want that!
128
00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,601
Ew! Ooh!
129
00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:04,501
You know, that guy looks
a little like...
130
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:08,434
BOTH:
Steve and Marcie!
131
00:07:10,501 --> 00:07:13,033
That is
Steve and Marcie.
132
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,033
Wow!
133
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,133
Look at her go.
134
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:18,968
Ah, Peg,
135
00:07:18,968 --> 00:07:20,567
what kind of perv-o
would get turned on
136
00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:21,634
watching themselves?
137
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,334
Oh, shut up, Al.
138
00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:32,501
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
139
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:34,868
[GROANS]
Oh, noooo...
140
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:49,400
I can't believe
they taped us.
141
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:53,167
And on
"back to school" night.
142
00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:55,501
Steve,
I feel so violated.
143
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,701
Gee, if we'd known you didn't
know you were being taped,
144
00:07:57,701 --> 00:07:59,300
we never would have
brought you over here
145
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:00,300
and sprung this on you.
146
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:01,501
I feel terrible.
147
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:02,868
[BOTH LAUGH]
148
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:07,167
Yeah, laugh,
clowns, laugh,
149
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:09,300
but here's a hot flash
for you.
150
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:12,701
If they taped us,
they taped you too.
151
00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:20,300
Peg, I told you
152
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,167
we should
never have sex.
153
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:26,467
Now everybody's
gonna know.
154
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:28,968
I just know my hair was a mess,
155
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:31,534
and I had on my old nightgown.
156
00:08:31,534 --> 00:08:33,634
I never look good in pictures.
157
00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:35,267
I know this is off the subject.
158
00:08:35,267 --> 00:08:36,567
Don't you realize
159
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,400
that all of our rights
have been tremendously violated?
160
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:41,267
We were caught in the act of--
161
00:08:41,267 --> 00:08:42,868
And then the ducky said
to the frog,
162
00:08:42,868 --> 00:08:44,434
"Then why is it on the menu?"
163
00:08:44,434 --> 00:08:46,067
[ALL CHUCKLE]
164
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,767
No!
165
00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:58,367
TV's for adults.
166
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,667
Don't you kids
have something to do?
167
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,000
Well, personally,
168
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,367
I'm just killing time
till I'm 18.
169
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:08,567
I'm helping her count.
170
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,968
Mrs. Rhoades is blushing
like a schoolgirl.
171
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:17,501
You told them.
172
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:20,167
Everybody knows
I'm a porn queen!
173
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:26,968
Kel,
174
00:09:26,968 --> 00:09:28,868
I believe
something deeply personal
175
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,300
is going on here.
176
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:31,634
And it might be
more comfortable
177
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:32,634
for the adults
178
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:34,734
if the children
left the room.
179
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:36,634
Therefore, I shall open
the bidding.
180
00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:41,033
Five dollars.
181
00:09:41,033 --> 00:09:42,033
I hear 10.
182
00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:43,167
Any further bidding?
183
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:44,334
Perhaps
from the little lady
184
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,868
with the deep secret?
185
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:49,200
Al, can't you
get rid of them?
186
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,834
Don't you think I've tried?
187
00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:54,901
All right,
you little gangsters.
188
00:09:54,901 --> 00:09:57,000
How much
are we talking?
189
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,934
Well, 50 bucks
hides a lot of shame.
190
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,534
Trust her.
She should know.
191
00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:08,334
Kids...
192
00:10:08,334 --> 00:10:10,300
Aren't you
forgetting something?
193
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:13,734
BOTH: Thank you,
Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
194
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,434
Al, what are we gonna do?
195
00:10:19,434 --> 00:10:20,701
Well, I don't know about you,
196
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:23,400
but when the kids go to sleep,
I'm looting.
197
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,033
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
198
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:27,434
I'm gonna sue these vermin
for everything they've got.
199
00:10:27,434 --> 00:10:28,701
Oh, I don't know.
200
00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:30,300
I've always been a fan
of physical violence.
201
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,901
How about if I go down there
and break a back or two?
202
00:10:32,901 --> 00:10:34,033
That way, everybody's happy.
203
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,200
Quiet, dear.
204
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,601
Steve has a thought
205
00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:40,701
on how sex with you
can finally be satisfying.
206
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:43,434
So we can make
some money off of this?
207
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,200
And see justice served.
208
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,367
Right, Marcie?
209
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:48,033
When you go down there,
210
00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:50,100
and you've broken
their spines
211
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:53,000
and snapped their arms
like little twigs,
212
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,067
and they're truly,
truly helpless,
213
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:56,400
then I'll come in.
214
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,400
Yeah, I'll come in,
215
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:03,000
with just a mere
old-fashioned can opener.
216
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,567
And I'll do
things to them...
217
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:09,434
that'll make
the devil himself vomit.
218
00:11:10,534 --> 00:11:14,501
Uh...or we could sue.
219
00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:16,234
How much do you
think we can get?
220
00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:19,000
I think a million dollars
is not out of the question.
221
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,133
A million dollars?
222
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:24,501
Al, we hardly do
anything together anymore.
223
00:11:24,501 --> 00:11:25,534
Let's sue.
224
00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:26,534
Well, Peg,
225
00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:27,534
I don't know.
226
00:11:27,534 --> 00:11:28,701
It'd be kind of embarrassing.
227
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:31,267
A million dollars, Al.
228
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:34,400
Do you know
what that means to you?
229
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,834
Five thousand dollars.
230
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:53,868
I told you, Peg,
we should've
231
00:11:53,868 --> 00:11:56,300
just beat the hell
out of these people.
232
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,100
It's a million dollars, Al.
233
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,234
How else are we
234
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:00,601
gonna get
a million dollars?
235
00:12:00,601 --> 00:12:02,667
You earn it? Ha, ha!
236
00:12:02,667 --> 00:12:05,467
Now, just relax
and be outraged.
237
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,367
How lovely.
238
00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:14,767
New meat.
239
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,300
Who's that?
240
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,667
The attorney
for the defense.
241
00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:22,467
Where's our lawyer?
242
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:25,567
You're
looking at him.
243
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:27,667
It's me,
you idiot.
244
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:30,334
I figure this is
an open-and-shut case.
245
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:31,968
A lawyer
takes 30 percent.
246
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,601
That's 300 thou.
247
00:12:33,601 --> 00:12:35,367
That leaves us only
700 grand to split.
248
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:37,701
After taxes,
we get squat.
249
00:12:37,701 --> 00:12:39,167
Now, trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
250
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,067
Where's
everybody going?
251
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:48,367
We're standing for the judge,
Mr. Darrow.
252
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,767
[GAVEL CRACKS]
253
00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:52,767
This court is now in session.
254
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:54,100
We will be hearing
255
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:57,400
Rhoades and Bundy
v. The Hop-On Inn.
256
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,801
We will now hear
opening statements.
257
00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:03,834
[CLEARS THROAT]
258
00:13:09,234 --> 00:13:10,701
Hello, everyone.
259
00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:14,000
Anyhow,
260
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,234
my wife and I
and Peggy and Al Bundy
261
00:13:16,234 --> 00:13:18,634
went to the Hop-On Inn
262
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:20,567
to indulge
in a little clean marital fun...
263
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:25,167
On separate occasions,
of course.
264
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:30,100
During the course
of our wholesome bliss,
265
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,067
our romantic activities,
266
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:34,968
the reaffirmation
of the love we share,
267
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:39,067
and whatever the Bundys
were doing...
268
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,767
our conjugal privacy
was invaded.
269
00:13:41,767 --> 00:13:45,033
Yes, we were violated
by video cameras.
270
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,501
But first,
271
00:13:47,501 --> 00:13:49,334
I think you should hear
some background
272
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:55,000
that I believe is germane
to this case.
273
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,901
My grandfather came
to this country a poor man...
274
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:59,934
And in World War II,
275
00:13:59,934 --> 00:14:01,300
my uncle Nick
276
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:03,634
wiped out more Nazi dogs
with venereal disease
277
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:05,601
than six armor divisions...
278
00:14:05,601 --> 00:14:07,934
[***]
279
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:54,701
Then they tape us having sex.
280
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,567
And that concludes
my opening statement.
281
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:03,734
Uh, Your Honor?
282
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:07,567
Thank you.
283
00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:09,534
You're welcome.
284
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:10,734
Ms. Weigel,
285
00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:12,334
would you care to make
an opening statement?
286
00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:14,701
The defense passes
for the moment, Your Honor.
287
00:15:14,701 --> 00:15:16,767
Good move, girlie.
288
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:19,667
JUDGE:
Mr. Rhoades,
289
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,000
you may call your first witness.
290
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,133
Your Honor,
291
00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:25,067
my only witnesses are...
292
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,400
Exhibits A and B.
293
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,601
Steve,
you have the tapes?
294
00:15:28,601 --> 00:15:30,033
You're not gonna show those.
295
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:32,000
A million dollars, Marcie.
296
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,400
Doesn't my honor
mean more to you
297
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,701
than a million dollars?
298
00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:42,667
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, exhibit A.
299
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,200
And...the end.
300
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,000
[APPLAUSE]
301
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,334
Oh, thank you.
302
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,367
Honestly, it was nothing.
303
00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:15,667
No, really.
304
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,267
And, now...exhibit B.
305
00:16:25,267 --> 00:16:29,367
The subpoenaed tape
of Mr. and Mrs. Bundy...
306
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:38,634
And the end.
307
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:45,234
And so,
308
00:16:45,234 --> 00:16:47,100
in conclusion,
309
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,334
I'm sure it's obvious
310
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:50,734
that our privacy
was indeed invaded,
311
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:54,367
and so we deserve
a million dollars.
312
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:58,901
I rest my case.
313
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:00,467
Ms. Weigel.
314
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:03,934
I'd like to call
my first witness to the stand,
315
00:17:03,934 --> 00:17:05,501
a Mrs. Marcie Rhoades.
316
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:11,634
Mrs. Rhoades...
317
00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:14,834
had you ever been
to the Hop-On Inn
318
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,167
before the evening in question?
319
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:18,400
[QUIETLY]
Yes, once or twice.
320
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,934
We can't hear you.
321
00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:23,267
I said, once or twice.
322
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:26,467
Need I subpoena
the desk clerk, Guido?
323
00:17:26,467 --> 00:17:29,234
Thirty or 40 times.
324
00:17:29,234 --> 00:17:31,701
Thirty or 40 times.
325
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:35,267
Well, I suppose that's normal.
326
00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:38,100
Mrs. Rhoades,
are you wearing underwear?
327
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:41,000
Two pairs.
328
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,234
And are they both crotchless?
329
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:46,234
Yes, damn you.
330
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,167
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
331
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:51,767
I ask you, does this woman,
332
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,367
the same woman you witnessed
on that tape,
333
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:54,968
look like a woman
who has been wronged
334
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:57,200
by anyone but her husband?
335
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,400
I object.
336
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,367
Sure, when she picks on you.
337
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,434
Where were you during
the underwear examination?
338
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:04,667
Mrs. Rhoades,
339
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:05,968
you were not one bit deceived.
340
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:08,000
You knew that camera was there
all along.
341
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,000
What kind of a woman
do you think I am?
342
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,167
Let's just see, shall we?
343
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:15,634
Look familiar?
344
00:18:15,634 --> 00:18:18,300
[GASPS] No!
345
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,801
Thank you,
Mrs. Rhoades.
346
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:23,200
Get out of my sight,
you make me sick.
347
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,267
I'd now like to call
to the stand
348
00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:28,834
Mr. Al Bundy.
349
00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:33,634
You did put on
clean underwear today,
350
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,167
didn't you, Al?
351
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:53,200
Mr. Bundy, on what grounds
are you suing?
352
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,667
Um...
353
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,334
well, my wife's sick of poverty,
354
00:18:57,334 --> 00:18:59,501
and, uh...
355
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:02,667
she told me
she'd give me $5000.
356
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:03,801
That's it?
357
00:19:03,801 --> 00:19:07,767
Then there's that outrage thing.
358
00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:09,167
Mr. Bundy,
359
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:11,534
let's once again view
that arousing performance
360
00:19:11,534 --> 00:19:14,200
you claim that my client
is capitalizing on.
361
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:22,634
All right,
I'm feeling relaxed here,
362
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:26,367
and I'm breathing good.
363
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,534
There's the foreplay.
364
00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:30,968
And, uh...
365
00:19:30,968 --> 00:19:34,467
once again, I finish first.
366
00:19:36,834 --> 00:19:39,167
I'd now like to call Mrs. Bundy.
367
00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:46,334
Mrs. Bundy,
368
00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:47,734
did you have sex
with your husband
369
00:19:47,734 --> 00:19:49,534
at the Hop-On Inn?
370
00:19:49,534 --> 00:19:51,000
Yes.
371
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,467
Mrs. Bundy,
may I remind you
372
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,267
that the penalty
for perjury
373
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:55,567
is seven years in prison,
374
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:59,567
where, I assure you,
you will have sex.
375
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:03,701
All right.
376
00:20:03,701 --> 00:20:07,400
Well, it may not be sex to you,
but it is to me,
377
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,234
And just because
you all have husbands
378
00:20:09,234 --> 00:20:11,434
that can last long enough
to time an egg,
379
00:20:11,434 --> 00:20:14,801
doesn't mean that what Al does
doesn't count.
380
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:16,701
You may step down.
381
00:20:16,701 --> 00:20:19,834
Is a crumb not a banquet
for a starving person?
382
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,601
You may step down.
383
00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:24,033
Is a fig leaf
not clothing for the naked?
384
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:25,968
Please, step down.
385
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:28,200
You can't do this
to Al!
386
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,534
Remove this woman.
387
00:20:29,534 --> 00:20:30,734
He'll lose what
little confidence
388
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:32,667
he already has.
389
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,133
You were great, baby.
390
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,601
Please, oh, please,
don't listen to her.
391
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:37,467
Don't give up.
392
00:20:39,033 --> 00:20:40,667
You are much man!
393
00:20:40,667 --> 00:20:42,901
[WAILS]
Oh, God!
394
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:49,734
[GAVEL CRACKS]
395
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:51,334
Has the jury reached a verdict?
396
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,200
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
397
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,200
We, the jury, award
punitive damages of $10,000
398
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,100
to Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades
399
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,968
on the grounds
that their privacy
400
00:21:01,968 --> 00:21:03,400
was indeed invaded.
401
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,467
Not bad, huh, babe?
402
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:08,334
Curdle and die.
403
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:11,534
And as for the Bundys,
404
00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:12,968
no sex, no money.
405
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,067
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
of the jury.
406
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,701
This court is now adjourned.
407
00:21:26,567 --> 00:21:28,133
Well, Al,
408
00:21:28,133 --> 00:21:31,367
at least we still
have each other.
409
00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:32,901
[SOBBING]
410
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:40,400
Peg, come with me.
411
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,400
Where are we going?
412
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,400
Come here a minute.
413
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,467
Over here.
414
00:21:43,467 --> 00:21:44,467
What, Al?
415
00:21:44,467 --> 00:21:45,901
Hurry up. Come on.
416
00:21:48,334 --> 00:21:49,567
Get down in there.
417
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,067
Like this, Al?
418
00:21:56,067 --> 00:21:57,934
Yeah, like that.
419
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:13,601
AL:
Now, was that sex,
or was that sex?
420
00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:15,834
[PEGGY SLOWLY EXHALES
SMOKE]
421
00:22:18,634 --> 00:22:21,000
That was sex, Al.
422
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,267
And you know,
if we had been on tape,
423
00:22:24,267 --> 00:22:26,334
we would have made
a million bucks.
424
00:22:26,334 --> 00:22:28,534
[BOTH LAUGH]
425
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:45,534
[***]1
00:00:03,267 --> 00:00:05,868
[***]
2
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,334
FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
Yes, Connie, I'm coming to you
from Fort Lauderdale,
3
00:01:19,334 --> 00:01:21,901
and we're rockin' to celebrate
summer's last hurrah,
4
00:01:21,901 --> 00:01:23,801
Labor Day weekend.
5
00:01:23,801 --> 00:01:25,234
I don't even know
why we're on,
6
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:28,367
because you'd have to be
a real no-life
7
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:31,400
to be home on a
picture-perfect day like this.
8
00:01:34,601 --> 00:01:36,067
Mom, please.
9
00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:38,400
Is this how I'm gonna spend
my Labor Day weekend?
10
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,334
Sitting between
my mother
11
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,968
and a pizza
with everything?
12
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:46,801
The holiday
got you down, Kel?
13
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,400
Let's just pretend
it's a normal day.
14
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,100
Get up on the table,
dance around,
15
00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:51,434
and me and Mom
will put dollars
16
00:01:51,434 --> 00:01:53,234
down your blouse.
17
00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:55,601
Now, Bud,
18
00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:57,300
not everything
Reverend Felcher says
19
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:58,934
from the pulpit
is true.
20
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:00,234
Ha, ha, ha.
21
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:06,167
Greeting, vultures.
22
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,100
You meal ticket's here.
23
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,400
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
24
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:17,667
Guess where
I have been.
25
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,767
Locked in the trunk
of your car
26
00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:29,934
with a dead cat?
27
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:30,934
And no one understands
28
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,133
why I scream
on the way home.
29
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:34,534
Anyhow,
I was thinking,
30
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:36,968
how could we have
a perfect Labor Day?
31
00:02:36,968 --> 00:02:37,968
And then it hit me.
32
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:39,801
While all those
families of morons
33
00:02:39,801 --> 00:02:42,167
are wasting their time
going to the beach,
34
00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:44,367
guess where we're gonna be.
35
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:46,067
No, not another
family barbecue.
36
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,400
Yes, a family
barbecue!
37
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,801
Who's going to give it
a "Whoa, Bundy," here?
38
00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:54,234
Huh?
39
00:02:54,234 --> 00:02:55,934
No one? Fine.
40
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,801
Oh, Al. Honey,
don't get us wrong.
41
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,167
It's not that
we don't enjoy
42
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:02,167
sweltering
in the back yard,
43
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:04,067
being bitten
by horseflies
44
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,067
and watching you scratch
your sweaty back
45
00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:07,734
with our salad forks.
46
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:11,033
But, honey,
just once
47
00:03:11,033 --> 00:03:13,200
we would like to do
something we want.
48
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,267
We can't do something
that you want,
49
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,934
and I'll tell you why.
50
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:20,133
Because it's Labor Day,
not Leech Day.
51
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,634
That's Christmas.
52
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,067
It's not Parasite Day.
53
00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,901
That's Mother's Day.
54
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:28,934
See, this is a holiday
for the working guy.
55
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,767
It celebrates
all the people who work,
56
00:03:30,767 --> 00:03:33,701
so that all the people
who don't
57
00:03:33,701 --> 00:03:36,534
can live longer and
have more than he does.
58
00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:37,901
So tomorrow...
59
00:03:37,901 --> 00:03:41,133
unless, God willing,
I die in my sleep...
60
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:44,868
I get up for me
and celebrate for me.
61
00:03:44,868 --> 00:03:50,367
Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.
62
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:53,601
Gee, I thought
that was Al-oween.
63
00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:57,167
I don't want to sit
around the house
64
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:58,734
all day and sleep.
65
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:01,934
It's like being
at school.
66
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,000
No, the difference between
here and school
67
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,334
is you'll be out of here
when you're 18.
68
00:04:14,334 --> 00:04:17,634
Now, tomorrow your job
is to go shopping.
69
00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:20,667
Why can't we shop today?
Traffic too light?
70
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:22,334
Because, if you were
paying attention
71
00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:23,601
all these years,
72
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,400
you'd know that
Al Bundy doesn't barbecue
73
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,701
with day-old fixin's.
74
00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,667
Now, it's your job tomorrow
75
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,167
to get me fresh meat,
fresh cheese,
76
00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:31,400
and fresh charcoal.
77
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,400
And watch those chips.
78
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,868
I don't want you
getting anything
79
00:04:33,868 --> 00:04:36,234
that says
"natural ingredients."
80
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:37,701
Now, kids,
81
00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:40,300
since we're all gonna spend
the whole day together tomorrow,
82
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:41,467
today, get out.
83
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:44,234
Oh, and don't forget.
84
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:47,567
I don't want my ketchup
in those plastic squeeze things.
85
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,801
I want bottles,
just like the Pilgrims had.
86
00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:53,133
I wish you could
have seen your father
87
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:54,801
when he was
in high school,
88
00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:56,100
before all this happened.
89
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,434
As I recall,
they almost did.
90
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,634
I can't wait
to have kids
91
00:05:04,634 --> 00:05:06,434
so I can
make them suffer.
92
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:07,901
And when they ask
who their dad is,
93
00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:09,334
you can play
"Wheel of Father."
94
00:05:14,434 --> 00:05:15,801
Now, Peg,
95
00:05:15,801 --> 00:05:16,801
I don't want you to think
96
00:05:16,801 --> 00:05:18,434
that I forgot you
in all this.
97
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,367
Your job
is very important too.
98
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:22,467
You get to bring the benches
from the basement
99
00:05:22,467 --> 00:05:25,133
and scrape off
the bird doody.
100
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:28,300
Traditionally,
the job of the queen.
101
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,334
That, and killing
and eating her mate.
102
00:05:30,334 --> 00:05:31,701
Heh, heh, heh.
103
00:05:31,701 --> 00:05:33,100
Oh, what a day
this is gonna be!
104
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,133
Can you feel
the excitement, Peg?
105
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:37,901
Oh, Al, I've given up
on excitement.
106
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:40,167
I'm going for relief.
107
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,200
Which brings us
to a little promise
108
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,300
you made
just last spring.
109
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:49,234
Sex again.
110
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:51,100
Peg, we've been married
for 17 years now.
111
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,100
Can't we
just be friends?
112
00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:57,434
No.
I don't like you,
113
00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:59,734
I just want
to have sex with you.
114
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,767
[DOORBELL RINGS]
115
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,834
Oh, come on, honey.
116
00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:05,968
You promised me that when
you were rested,
117
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:07,267
we could do it.
118
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,133
And besides,
the way you do it,
119
00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:11,701
it's just like
resting anyway.
120
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,300
Oh, Peggy, I don't
know what to do.
121
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:18,100
Steve is
an unfeeling cur.
122
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,167
As you know,
123
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,133
my sainted Aunt Tuney
passed away.
124
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:24,367
Sainted, my foot.
She used to pay for sailors.
125
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:30,200
She was 67, and they
wouldn't come for free.
126
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,000
Anyw--
127
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,501
Anyway, I was
her favorite,
128
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:36,734
and the honor of caring
for her sainted ashes
129
00:06:36,734 --> 00:06:37,868
fell to me.
130
00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:39,167
And the horrible
cross to bear
131
00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:41,000
of caring
for her $100,000
132
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,334
fell to her cats.
133
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:45,767
Oh, Aunt Tuney,
no one understands but me.
134
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:49,267
Oh, we understand.
You're insane.
135
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:51,501
Must you carry that urn
wherever you go?
136
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:53,734
She sleeps with it,
you know.
137
00:06:53,734 --> 00:06:55,734
I can't throw stones.
138
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,767
Look, Marcy,
all I am saying
139
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:05,400
is that
it is unhealthy
140
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,434
for you to walk around
with a load of ashes,
141
00:07:07,434 --> 00:07:08,601
while five moth-eaten cats
142
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:11,033
have a bigger Mercedes
than I do.
143
00:07:11,033 --> 00:07:13,400
Damn nouveau cats.
144
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,334
Guys, guys, guys.
145
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:17,000
This should be
a happy day,
146
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,367
not fighting,
and arguing, and...
147
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:22,968
having sex
with our spouses.
148
00:07:22,968 --> 00:07:24,234
So I'm going
to do something
149
00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:26,033
that I wouldn't
normally do.
150
00:07:26,033 --> 00:07:28,868
Use a Q-Tip?
151
00:07:28,868 --> 00:07:32,300
Oh, want
some lovin', babe?
152
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:35,601
Anyhow, us Bundys are having
a barbecue tomorrow,
153
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,067
and I'm inviting you two
154
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:39,501
to share some of our
famous Bundyburgers.
155
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,033
Well, I suppose Aunt Tuney
would like a day
156
00:07:42,033 --> 00:07:44,634
out in
the fresh air.
157
00:07:44,634 --> 00:07:46,334
She got enough
when we rowed her
158
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:48,434
around the lake
yesterday.
159
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,767
Thank you, Al.
We'll be glad to come.
160
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:51,934
What can we bring?
161
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:54,434
Just the plates,
and some food, and some beers,
162
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:55,434
and leave the rest to us.
163
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:56,467
Heh, heh, heh.
164
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,901
Ah, this is gonna be
just great.
165
00:07:57,901 --> 00:08:00,067
You know, there's nothing
like spending Labor Day
166
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:02,167
with the family,
and good food
167
00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:04,367
and good friends.
168
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,200
Oh, God.
What a charade!
169
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:11,267
[SOBS]
170
00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,834
Oh, God!
171
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:18,734
[ROBERT JASON'S "WHO'LL STOP
THE RAIN" PLAYING ON STEREO]
172
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:25,868
* Still the rain
Kept fallin' *
173
00:08:25,868 --> 00:08:29,734
* While it pounds
My ears *
174
00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:31,868
* And I wonder *
175
00:08:31,868 --> 00:08:33,701
* Ooh, I wonder *
176
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:37,133
* Who'll stop the rain *
177
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,968
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
178
00:08:39,968 --> 00:08:41,868
[BANG]
179
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:43,534
PEG:
Ow!
180
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,067
This is heavy.
181
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,767
Can you
give me a hand?
182
00:08:55,968 --> 00:08:58,133
Thanks, Al.
I can take it from here.
183
00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:00,634
Peg, I told ya,
I've got to conserve my energy
184
00:09:00,634 --> 00:09:02,901
if you expect sex tonight.
185
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:06,534
Sex tonight?
186
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:09,234
My legs are aching,
my head is killing me,
187
00:09:09,234 --> 00:09:11,601
and I feel queasy.
188
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:15,033
I feel like I already
had sex with you.
189
00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:23,000
So just forget
about tonight.
190
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,133
When this day is over,
191
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:26,934
I am going upstairs
and sleep for a week.
192
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,267
This is the worst day
of my life.
193
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:32,667
Lugging and scrubbing.
Pushing and pulling.
194
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:34,400
Dragging and hauling.
195
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,167
Washing and wiping.
196
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,400
God!
197
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,601
My back aches.
198
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,734
My front aches.
Oh!
199
00:09:41,734 --> 00:09:44,968
You know, I could die
from this.
200
00:09:44,968 --> 00:09:47,067
God, I'm so tired.
201
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:51,601
All right,
now what little dirty job
202
00:09:51,601 --> 00:09:52,901
do you have for me?
203
00:09:56,901 --> 00:10:00,000
Oh, no.
204
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,968
Oh...
205
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,400
PEG:
I'm so tired!
206
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,467
I hate you, Al.
207
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,868
I really,
really hate you.
208
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:14,901
You know,
a gentleman would've said,
209
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:17,200
"Thanks for
the good time, babe.
210
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,968
Let me clean that bird doody
while you rest."
211
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:25,133
But not you.
You are a pig, Al.
212
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,667
And my arms
are killing me.
213
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:38,734
Scrub harder.
214
00:10:38,734 --> 00:10:41,400
Oh, it still
won't come off.
215
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,968
Somebody help me.
216
00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:47,167
Don't just sit there.
Do something.
217
00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:53,434
Oh!
218
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:55,167
Oh!
219
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:56,367
No!
220
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,467
God!
221
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,667
I'm so tired!
222
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:01,667
No!
223
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:08,334
[GASPING]
Water.
224
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,601
* And I wonder *
225
00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:11,133
* Whoa, I wonder *
226
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,000
* Who'll stop the rain *
227
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,033
Hey, babe.
228
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:16,267
[WEAKLY]
Water.
229
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,100
No time for that
now, babe.
230
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,567
Got to get ready
for the barbecue.
231
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:22,400
Oh, listen. Honey,
don't touch my grill.
232
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,100
It's filthy, Al.
233
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,667
Don't you want me to
lick it clean
234
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:28,801
so we can
have sex again?
235
00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:32,200
No. I like it
just the way it is.
236
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,601
Last year's grease
on the grill,
237
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:35,000
last year's ashes
on the bottom.
238
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,901
That's what makes
the Bundyburger special.
239
00:11:36,901 --> 00:11:37,934
Oh, honey,
240
00:11:37,934 --> 00:11:39,367
would you
clean up that spot
241
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:42,734
that your hair made when it
got caught on that nail?
242
00:11:42,734 --> 00:11:44,200
I feel good,
don't you?
243
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,200
Ha, ha, ha!
244
00:11:52,934 --> 00:11:55,534
I hate barbecues.
245
00:11:55,534 --> 00:11:58,634
I hate Labor Day.
246
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,501
And I hate watching
buzzards circle
247
00:12:00,501 --> 00:12:02,267
while I'm having sex.
248
00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:12,701
[GASPS]
249
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,033
Oh!
250
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,801
He's gonna kill me.
251
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:20,968
Where--?
Where am I gonna get ashes?
252
00:12:20,968 --> 00:12:22,334
Uh...
253
00:12:22,334 --> 00:12:23,367
Oh.
254
00:12:24,868 --> 00:12:26,968
[WHISPERS]
Okay. Okay, okay.
255
00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:47,167
She's turning
into Grandma
256
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,767
before
our very eyes.
257
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:52,367
Kids, kids...
258
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,801
Mommy needs
a little help.
259
00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:54,968
You see,
260
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:57,300
I accidentally knocked
over Daddy's barbecue
261
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:58,634
and lost his ashes.
262
00:12:58,634 --> 00:13:01,234
[BOTH GASP]
263
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:05,100
Well, I guess you're
out of here, then, huh, Mom?
264
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,934
Bud, you're the woman
of the house now.
265
00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:10,334
No, I don't think it's
gonna get to that.
266
00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:12,300
You see,
Daddy doesn't know yet.
267
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,801
And we have one thing
going in our favor.
268
00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:16,701
Every other family
on the block
269
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:19,100
is having a good time
away from home,
270
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,434
except us.
271
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:23,267
That means it's open season
on their houses.
272
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,801
So I want you
to check barbecues,
273
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:28,567
fireplaces,
and ovens for ashes.
274
00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:30,767
Oh, whoever goes
to the McGintys,
275
00:13:30,767 --> 00:13:31,767
bring me a Dr. Pepper.
276
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,701
Ha, ha!
Hurry up!
277
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:34,968
[UNDER BREATH]
Oh, boy.
278
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:37,200
God.
279
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,200
I can't stand this
anymore!
280
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,267
AL:
I can.
281
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:44,133
Come to Daddy!
282
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:46,100
Oh.
283
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:53,634
[SOBS]
284
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:09,033
I hate Labor Day so much.
285
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:10,601
Did you get the ashes?
286
00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:12,167
A piece of cake.
287
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:13,968
You know, you can
learn a lot about a person
288
00:14:13,968 --> 00:14:15,267
going through their house.
289
00:14:15,267 --> 00:14:17,834
You know, Mr. Collins
who lives down the block?
290
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,200
He must be
a real stud.
291
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,501
I mean, he's a bachelor,
292
00:14:20,501 --> 00:14:21,567
but his whole closet
293
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,133
is filled
with women's clothing.
294
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,868
Pretty fancy thinking
for a dullard, eh, Mom?
295
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,601
Well, we got
the groceries.
296
00:14:35,601 --> 00:14:37,567
Ah.
297
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:38,868
Thanks so much
for inviting us
298
00:14:38,868 --> 00:14:40,868
and letting us
pay for it.
299
00:14:40,868 --> 00:14:42,067
I have $5.00 left
300
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:43,934
if you need something
to get the fire going.
301
00:14:43,934 --> 00:14:45,334
You know, Steve,
before we eat,
302
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:46,934
I'm just going to check
on Aunt Tuney.
303
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:48,200
Marcy...
304
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,467
she's dead.
305
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:53,667
Gone, fried, dust.
306
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,467
Paying sailors in hell.
307
00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:00,567
You know, Aunt Tuney
never liked you.
308
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:01,667
She didn't like anything
309
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,367
that didn't rub its face
back and forth
310
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:05,400
across her pot belly.
311
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:08,434
Then why didn't
she like you?
312
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:11,901
Mom, we're hungry,
313
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:14,467
and your underwear's
under the table.
314
00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:20,000
Where's Dad?
315
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,767
Uh, he's getting
ready, honey.
316
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:24,934
And you know
what that means.
317
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:26,601
[***]
318
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:29,701
[GEORGE THOROGOOD
AND THE DESTROYERS'
"BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYS]
319
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:43,067
* On the day I was born *
320
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,400
* The nurses all
Gathered 'round *
321
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,701
* They gazed in wide wonder *
322
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:50,267
* At the joy they had found *
323
00:15:50,267 --> 00:15:52,567
* The head nurse spoke up *
324
00:15:52,567 --> 00:15:55,000
* Said "Leave this one alone" *
325
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,267
* She could tell right away *
326
00:15:57,267 --> 00:15:59,868
* That I was bad to the bone *
327
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:02,367
* Bad to the bone *
328
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,467
* Bad to the bone *
329
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,100
* B-B-B-B-Bad *
330
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,300
* B-B-B-B-Bad *
331
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,467
* B-B-B-B-Bad *
332
00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:14,267
* Bad to the bone *
333
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:16,133
[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]
334
00:16:17,133 --> 00:16:19,334
Let's cook.
335
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:32,267
Finally,
we can eat.
336
00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:33,534
Not quite yet.
337
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,100
Labor Day.
338
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,133
What does it mean
to us?
339
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:41,100
To answer
that question,
340
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,901
we must hark back
to earlier times.
341
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,000
You see, kids,
342
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:49,000
while the cavewoman
sat around getting fat,
343
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,234
smoking cigarettes,
344
00:16:50,234 --> 00:16:53,300
and watching
the Phil Java Man show,
345
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:57,467
the caveman
braved the elements,
346
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,767
risking life and limb
347
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:02,100
and the prehistoric beasts
348
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:05,667
with only the hair
on his back for protection.
349
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:10,267
In 1492, Columbus brought
Labor Day to America.
350
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:12,901
And the women
still did nothing!
351
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:18,267
And that's what Labor Day
means to me.
352
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:23,467
May we eat now?
353
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,133
Not quite yet.
354
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:27,400
What other torture
355
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,667
can he possibly
inflict on us?
356
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:36,934
* O'er the land
Of the free *
357
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:44,734
* And the home
Of the brave *
358
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,767
And the burgers
take the field.
359
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:01,901
In exactly 11 minutes
and seven seconds,
360
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:03,300
you're going
to sink your teeth
361
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,501
in the best burger
362
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:08,200
they ever yanked
out of a cow.
363
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,934
Ooh, Al, you make it
sound so good,
364
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:13,434
but Marcy and I
rarely eat red meat.
365
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:15,667
So would you mind fixing up
this salmon I brought?
366
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:17,634
Oh. No problem.
367
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,567
No fish will ever
touch my grill.
368
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,667
Well, we still have
three minutes
369
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,133
before we have
to turn the burgers.
370
00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:38,067
Come on, Peg.
This is your lucky day.
371
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:39,501
Look! It's open, Al.
372
00:18:39,501 --> 00:18:42,634
Really, it's open,
and it wasn't hard at all.
373
00:18:42,634 --> 00:18:45,334
Really.
Oh, no!
374
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:48,701
[SNIFFS]
375
00:18:48,701 --> 00:18:49,734
Ah!
376
00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:53,701
What happened
to my fish?
377
00:18:53,701 --> 00:18:55,734
Oh. Well, it fell
on the ground. Eat up.
378
00:18:57,934 --> 00:18:59,334
Well?
379
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:01,033
Mm-mm!
The greatest, Dad.
380
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,133
Delicious.
381
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:03,133
Peg?
382
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:11,133
[WHINING,
QUIETLY SOBBING]
383
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:12,167
Oh, not that. No.
384
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,334
I meant,
how's your burger?
385
00:19:14,334 --> 00:19:17,234
I know what you want.
386
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,801
You want me to say
it's tough and chewy
387
00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:22,467
so you can have your way
with me again.
388
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:23,934
Well, it's not.
389
00:19:23,934 --> 00:19:28,067
It's light and fluffy
and melts in my mouth.
390
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,667
Ha!
391
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:35,767
Steve,
392
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:37,968
how's your burger?
393
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:40,234
You know,
I hate to admit it,
394
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:42,000
but this is the best burger
I've ever had.
395
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,000
What's your secret?
396
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,601
I sneak over to
the nudie place
397
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:46,601
a couple of times a month
398
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:48,000
in order to make it
through life.
399
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:59,367
No. I meant
about your burgers.
400
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:01,968
Oh! Oh. The secret's
in the ashes, Steve.
401
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,601
See, I never
clean my grill.
402
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:05,334
Ashes from the past
403
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,200
for burgers
of the future.
404
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,634
Marcy, you're not eating.
405
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:11,868
How can I eat with you
talking about ashes?
406
00:20:11,868 --> 00:20:14,734
It only makes me think
of my poor Aunt Tuney
407
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,434
up on the mantle
over our fireplace
408
00:20:16,434 --> 00:20:17,467
in her little urn.
409
00:20:28,434 --> 00:20:31,334
Um...excuse me,
but what did you say
410
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:33,934
was in the little urn
above your fireplace?
411
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:36,067
The ashes
of my dead aunt.
412
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,734
Bud, can I talk to you
for a second?
413
00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:45,834
Mm!
414
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:47,234
[WHISPERS]
415
00:20:47,234 --> 00:20:49,400
[GAGS]
416
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,868
[WHISPERS]
417
00:20:57,868 --> 00:20:59,934
[GAGS]
418
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,300
[WHISPERS]
419
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:26,133
Marcy, come on.
You're not eating any.
420
00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:28,968
Take a bite.
You'll like it.
421
00:21:28,968 --> 00:21:30,000
Uh, Marcy--
422
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,167
Shut up, ghoul.
423
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:33,334
Alrighty.
424
00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:37,501
Mm!
425
00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:39,267
These are quite good.
426
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:41,901
Mm.
You know, Al,
427
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:45,100
I'm sorry to be
such a party poop.
428
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:48,834
It's just that
I loved my aunt very much.
429
00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:52,067
Mm!
These are delicious!
430
00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:54,167
But Aunt Tuney meant
so much to me.
431
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:55,534
I know she did, Marce,
432
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:58,100
but sometimes we've got to
put the dead behind us.
433
00:21:58,100 --> 00:21:59,801
Mm!
434
00:21:59,801 --> 00:22:02,167
Aunt Tuney loved
a good barbecue.
435
00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:05,834
I only wish she could
be with us right now.
436
00:22:05,834 --> 00:22:08,200
If it's any
comfort to you, Marce,
437
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,601
I'm sure she's
with us in spirit.
438
00:22:09,601 --> 00:22:10,601
Mm-- Mm--
439
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:11,801
[SPITS]
440
00:22:11,801 --> 00:22:13,501
Bone. Mm.
441
00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:18,267
But if she was here,
442
00:22:18,267 --> 00:22:19,400
I'm sure she'd be saying
443
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,033
just what
we're saying now:
444
00:22:21,033 --> 00:22:23,868
These are the best burgers
this side of heaven.
445
00:22:23,868 --> 00:22:25,300
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
446
00:22:39,501 --> 00:22:41,901
[***]1
00:00:03,267 --> 00:00:05,868
[***]
2
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,334
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Yes, Connie, I'm
coming to you from Fort Lauderdale,
3
00:01:19,369 --> 00:01:21,901
and we're rockin' to celebrate
summer's last hurrah,
4
00:01:21,936 --> 00:01:23,766
Labor Day weekend.
5
00:01:23,801 --> 00:01:25,199
I don't even know
why we're on,
6
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:28,332
because you'd have to be
a real no-life
7
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:31,400
to be home on a
picture-perfect day like this.
8
00:01:34,601 --> 00:01:36,032
Mom, please.
9
00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:38,400
Is this how I'm gonna spend
my Labor Day weekend?
10
00:01:38,435 --> 00:01:40,201
Sitting between
my mother
11
00:01:40,236 --> 00:01:41,968
and a pizza
with everything?
12
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:46,766
The holiday
got you down, Kel?
13
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,450
Let's just pretend
it's a normal day.
14
00:01:48,485 --> 00:01:49,959
Get up on the table,
dance around,
15
00:01:49,994 --> 00:01:51,434
and me and Mom
will put dollars
16
00:01:51,469 --> 00:01:53,234
down your blouse.
17
00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:55,566
Now, Bud,
18
00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:57,300
not everything
Reverend Felcher says
19
00:01:57,335 --> 00:01:58,934
from the pulpit
is true.
20
00:01:58,969 --> 00:02:00,234
Ha, ha, ha.
21
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:05,733
Greeting, vultures.
22
00:02:05,768 --> 00:02:08,100
You meal ticket's here.
23
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,400
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
24
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:17,667
Guess where
I have been.
25
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,767
Locked in the trunk
of your car
26
00:02:27,802 --> 00:02:29,899
with a dead cat?
27
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:30,899
And no one understands
28
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,133
why I scream
on the way home.
29
00:02:33,168 --> 00:02:34,499
Anyhow,
I was thinking,
30
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:36,968
how could we have
a perfect Labor Day?
31
00:02:37,003 --> 00:02:37,933
And then it hit me.
32
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:39,766
While all those
families of morons
33
00:02:39,801 --> 00:02:42,167
are wasting their time
going to the beach,
34
00:02:42,202 --> 00:02:44,332
guess where we're gonna be.
35
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:46,067
No, not another
family barbecue.
36
00:02:46,102 --> 00:02:48,365
Yes, a family
barbecue!
37
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,801
Who's going to give it
a "Whoa, Bundy," here?
38
00:02:51,836 --> 00:02:54,199
Huh?
39
00:02:54,234 --> 00:02:55,899
No one? Fine.
40
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,801
Oh, Al. Honey,
don't get us wrong.
41
00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:00,501
It's not that
we don't enjoy
42
00:03:00,536 --> 00:03:02,301
sweltering
in the back yard,
43
00:03:02,336 --> 00:03:04,032
being bitten
by horseflies
44
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,067
and watching you scratch
your sweaty back
45
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:08,567
with our salad forks.
46
00:03:08,602 --> 00:03:10,998
But, honey,
just once
47
00:03:11,033 --> 00:03:13,150
we would like to do
something we want.
48
00:03:13,185 --> 00:03:15,267
We can't do something
that you want,
49
00:03:15,302 --> 00:03:16,899
and I'll tell you why.
50
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:20,133
Because it's Labor Day,
not Leech Day.
51
00:03:20,168 --> 00:03:22,599
That's Christmas.
52
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,267
It's not Parasite Day.
53
00:03:24,302 --> 00:03:25,866
That's Mother's Day.
54
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:28,934
See, this is a holiday
for the working guy.
55
00:03:28,969 --> 00:03:30,767
It celebrates
all the people who work,
56
00:03:30,802 --> 00:03:33,666
so that all the people
who don't
57
00:03:33,701 --> 00:03:36,534
can live longer and
have more than he does.
58
00:03:36,569 --> 00:03:37,866
So tomorrow...
59
00:03:37,901 --> 00:03:41,384
unless, God willing,
I die in my sleep...
60
00:03:41,419 --> 00:03:44,868
I get up for me
and celebrate for me.
61
00:03:44,903 --> 00:03:50,332
Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.
62
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:53,601
Gee, I thought
that was Al-oween.
63
00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:57,167
I don't want to sit
around the house
64
00:03:57,202 --> 00:03:58,699
all day and sleep.
65
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:01,899
It's like being
at school.
66
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,134
No, the difference between
here and school
67
00:04:04,169 --> 00:04:06,334
is you'll be out of here
when you're 18.
68
00:04:14,334 --> 00:04:17,500
Now, tomorrow your job
is to go shopping.
69
00:04:17,535 --> 00:04:20,667
Why can't we shop today?
Traffic too light?
70
00:04:20,702 --> 00:04:22,334
Because, if you were
paying attention
71
00:04:22,369 --> 00:04:23,566
all these years,
72
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,400
you'd know that
Al Bundy doesn't barbecue
73
00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:26,666
with day-old fixin's.
74
00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,632
Now, it's your job tomorrow
75
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,167
to get me fresh meat,
fresh cheese,
76
00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:31,301
and fresh charcoal.
77
00:04:31,336 --> 00:04:32,365
And watch those chips.
78
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,317
I don't want you
getting anything
79
00:04:34,352 --> 00:04:36,234
that says
"natural ingredients. "
80
00:04:36,269 --> 00:04:37,666
Now, kids,
81
00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:40,300
since we're all gonna spend
the whole day together tomorrow,
82
00:04:40,335 --> 00:04:41,467
today, get out.
83
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:44,199
Oh, and don't forget.
84
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:47,567
I don't want my ketchup
in those plastic squeeze things.
85
00:04:47,602 --> 00:04:49,801
I want bottles,
just like the Pilgrims had.
86
00:04:49,836 --> 00:04:53,133
I wish you could
have seen your father
87
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,634
when he was
in high school,
88
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,065
before all this happened.
89
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,434
As I recall,
they almost did.
90
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,817
I can't wait
to have kids
91
00:05:04,852 --> 00:05:06,399
so I can
make them suffer.
92
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:07,884
And when they ask
who their dad is,
93
00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:09,334
you can play
"Wheel of Father. "
94
00:05:14,434 --> 00:05:15,766
Now, Peg,
95
00:05:15,801 --> 00:05:16,766
I don't want you to think
96
00:05:16,801 --> 00:05:18,584
that I forgot you
in all this.
97
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,332
Your job
is very important too.
98
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:22,467
You get to bring the benches
from the basement
99
00:05:22,502 --> 00:05:25,098
and scrape off
the bird doody.
100
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:27,733
Traditionally,
the job of the queen.
101
00:05:27,768 --> 00:05:30,334
That, and killing
and eating her mate.
102
00:05:30,369 --> 00:05:31,666
Heh, heh, heh.
103
00:05:31,701 --> 00:05:33,417
Oh, what a day
this is gonna be!
104
00:05:33,452 --> 00:05:35,676
Can you feel
the excitement, Peg?
105
00:05:35,711 --> 00:05:37,901
Oh, Al, I've given up
on excitement.
106
00:05:37,936 --> 00:05:40,132
I'm going for relief.
107
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,200
Which brings us
to a little promise
108
00:05:42,235 --> 00:05:45,300
you made
just last spring.
109
00:05:45,335 --> 00:05:49,199
Sex again.
110
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:51,100
Peg, we've been married
for 17 years now.
111
00:05:51,135 --> 00:05:54,284
Can't we
just be friends?
112
00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:57,399
No.
I don't like you,
113
00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:59,734
I just want
to have sex with you.
114
00:05:59,769 --> 00:06:01,801
[DOORBELL RINGS]
115
00:06:01,836 --> 00:06:03,799
Oh, come on, honey.
116
00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:05,968
You promised me that when
you were rested,
117
00:06:06,003 --> 00:06:07,232
we could do it.
118
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,484
And besides,
the way you do it,
119
00:06:09,519 --> 00:06:11,701
it's just like
resting anyway.
120
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,300
Oh, Peggy, I don't
know what to do.
121
00:06:15,335 --> 00:06:18,100
Steve is
an unfeeling cur.
122
00:06:18,135 --> 00:06:19,132
As you know,
123
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,098
my sainted Aunt Tuney
passed away.
124
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:24,367
Sainted, my foot.
She used to pay for sailors.
125
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:30,200
She was 67, and they
wouldn't come for free.
126
00:06:30,235 --> 00:06:31,965
Anyw...
127
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,466
Anyway, I was
her favorite,
128
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:36,734
and the honor of caring
for her sainted ashes
129
00:06:36,769 --> 00:06:37,833
fell to me.
130
00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:39,434
And the horrible
cross to bear
131
00:06:39,469 --> 00:06:41,000
of caring
for her $100,000
132
00:06:41,035 --> 00:06:42,299
fell to her cats.
133
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:45,767
Oh, Aunt Tuney,
no one understands but me.
134
00:06:45,802 --> 00:06:49,232
Oh, we understand.
You're insane.
135
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:51,501
Must you carry that urn
wherever you go?
136
00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:53,734
She sleeps with it,
you know.
137
00:06:53,769 --> 00:06:55,734
I can't throw stones.
138
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,767
Look, Marcy,
all I am saying
139
00:07:03,802 --> 00:07:05,365
is that
it is unhealthy
140
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,434
for you to walk around
with a load of ashes,
141
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,566
while five moth-eaten cats
142
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:11,033
have a bigger Mercedes
than I do.
143
00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:13,201
Damn nouveau cats.
144
00:07:13,236 --> 00:07:15,299
Guys, guys, guys.
145
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:16,965
This should be
a happy day,
146
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,367
not fighting,
and arguing, and...
147
00:07:19,402 --> 00:07:21,818
having sex
with our spouses.
148
00:07:21,853 --> 00:07:23,943
So I'm going
to do something
149
00:07:23,978 --> 00:07:26,033
that I wouldn't
normally do.
150
00:07:26,068 --> 00:07:28,833
Use a Q-Tip?
151
00:07:28,868 --> 00:07:32,265
Oh, want
some lovin', babe?
152
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:35,601
Anyhow, us Bundys are having
a barbecue tomorrow,
153
00:07:35,636 --> 00:07:37,032
and I'm inviting you two
154
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:39,550
to share some of our
famous Bundyburgers.
155
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:42,033
Well, I suppose Aunt Tuney
would like a day
156
00:07:42,068 --> 00:07:44,599
out in
the fresh air.
157
00:07:44,634 --> 00:07:46,334
She got enough
when we rowed her
158
00:07:46,369 --> 00:07:48,399
around the lake
yesterday.
159
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,767
Thank you, Al.
We'll be glad to come.
160
00:07:50,802 --> 00:07:51,899
What can we bring?
161
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:54,434
Just the plates,
and some food, and some beers,
162
00:07:54,469 --> 00:07:55,434
and leave the rest to us.
163
00:07:55,469 --> 00:07:56,432
Heh, heh, heh.
164
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,866
Ah, this is gonna be
just great.
165
00:07:57,901 --> 00:08:00,067
You know, there's nothing
like spending Labor Day
166
00:08:00,102 --> 00:08:02,167
with the family,
and good food
167
00:08:02,202 --> 00:08:04,332
and good friends.
168
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,200
Oh, God.
What a charade!
169
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:09,534
[SOBS]
170
00:08:09,569 --> 00:08:12,834
Oh, God!
171
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:18,734
[ROBERT JASON'S "WHO'LL STOP
THE RAIN" PLAYING ON STEREO]
172
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:25,834
* Still the rain
Kept fallin' *
173
00:08:25,869 --> 00:08:29,734
* While it pounds
My ears *
174
00:08:29,769 --> 00:08:31,735
* And I wonder *
175
00:08:31,770 --> 00:08:33,666
* Ooh, I wonder *
176
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:36,834
* Who'll stop the rain *
177
00:08:36,869 --> 00:08:39,968
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
178
00:08:40,003 --> 00:08:41,768
[BANG]
179
00:08:41,803 --> 00:08:43,499
PEG:
Ow!
180
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,032
This is heavy.
181
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,767
Can you
give me a hand?
182
00:08:55,968 --> 00:08:58,098
Thanks, Al.
I can take it from here.
183
00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:00,634
Peg, I told ya,
I've got to conserve my energy
184
00:09:00,669 --> 00:09:02,901
if you expect sex tonight.
185
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:06,499
Sex tonight?
186
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:09,234
My legs are aching,
my head is killing me,
187
00:09:09,269 --> 00:09:11,566
and I feel queasy.
188
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:15,033
I feel like I already
had sex with you.
189
00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:23,000
So just forget
about tonight.
190
00:09:23,035 --> 00:09:24,098
When this day is over,
191
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:26,934
I am going upstairs
and sleep for a week.
192
00:09:26,969 --> 00:09:29,232
This is the worst day
of my life.
193
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:32,667
Lugging and scrubbing.
Pushing and pulling.
194
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:34,434
Dragging and hauling.
195
00:09:34,469 --> 00:09:36,167
Washing and wiping.
196
00:09:36,202 --> 00:09:38,365
God!
197
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,566
My back aches.
198
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,699
My front aches.
Oh!
199
00:09:41,734 --> 00:09:44,968
You know, I could die
from this.
200
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:47,067
God, I'm so tired.
201
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:51,601
All right,
now what little dirty job
202
00:09:51,636 --> 00:09:52,901
do you have for me?
203
00:09:56,901 --> 00:10:00,000
Oh, no.
204
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,933
Oh...
205
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,400
PEG:
I'm so tired!
206
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,432
I hate you, Al.
207
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,833
I really,
really hate you.
208
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:15,034
You know,
a gentleman would've said,
209
00:10:15,069 --> 00:10:17,165
"Thanks for
the good time, babe.
210
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,968
Let me clean that bird doody
while you rest. "
211
00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:24,335
But not you.
You are a pig, Al.
212
00:10:24,370 --> 00:10:27,667
And my arms
are killing me.
213
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:38,699
Scrub harder.
214
00:10:38,734 --> 00:10:41,400
Oh, it still
won't come off.
215
00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:44,933
Somebody help me.
216
00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:47,167
Don't just sit there.
Do something.
217
00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:53,434
Oh!
218
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:55,267
Oh!
219
00:10:55,302 --> 00:10:56,884
No!
220
00:10:56,919 --> 00:10:58,432
God!
221
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,667
I'm so tired!
222
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:01,667
No!
223
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:07,751
[GASPING]
Water.
224
00:11:07,786 --> 00:11:09,459
* And I wonder *
225
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:11,098
* Whoa, I wonder *
226
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,000
* Who'll stop the rain *
227
00:11:13,035 --> 00:11:13,998
Hey, babe.
228
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:16,232
[WEAKLY]
Water.
229
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,065
No time for that
now, babe.
230
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,532
Got to get ready
for the barbecue.
231
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:22,400
Oh, listen. Honey,
don't touch my grill.
232
00:11:22,435 --> 00:11:24,065
It's filthy, Al.
233
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,667
Don't you want me to
lick it clean
234
00:11:25,702 --> 00:11:28,766
so we can
have sex again?
235
00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:31,201
No. I like it
just the way it is.
236
00:11:31,236 --> 00:11:33,118
Last year's grease
on the grill,
237
00:11:33,153 --> 00:11:34,965
last year's ashes
on the bottom.
238
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,901
That's what makes
the Bundyburger special.
239
00:11:36,936 --> 00:11:37,899
Oh, honey,
240
00:11:37,934 --> 00:11:39,332
would you
clean up that spot
241
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:42,734
that your hair made when it
got caught on that nail?
242
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,200
I feel good,
don't you?
243
00:11:44,235 --> 00:11:45,200
Ha, ha, ha!
244
00:11:52,934 --> 00:11:55,784
I hate barbecues.
245
00:11:55,819 --> 00:11:58,599
I hate Labor Day.
246
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,501
And I hate watching
buzzards circle
247
00:12:00,536 --> 00:12:02,267
while I'm having sex.
248
00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:12,701
[GASPS]
249
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,033
Oh!
250
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,766
He's gonna kill me.
251
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:20,968
Where...?
Where am I gonna get ashes?
252
00:12:21,003 --> 00:12:22,185
Uh...
253
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:23,367
Oh.
254
00:12:24,868 --> 00:12:26,968
[WHISPERS]
Okay. Okay, okay.
255
00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:47,167
She's turning
into Grandma
256
00:12:47,202 --> 00:12:49,767
before
our very eyes.
257
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,332
Kids, kids...
258
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,801
Mommy needs
a little help.
259
00:12:53,836 --> 00:12:54,933
You see,
260
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:57,300
I accidentally knocked
over Daddy's barbecue
261
00:12:57,335 --> 00:12:58,634
and lost his ashes.
262
00:12:58,669 --> 00:13:01,199
[BOTH GASP]
263
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:05,100
Well, I guess you're
out of here, then, huh, Mom?
264
00:13:05,135 --> 00:13:07,734
Bud, you're the woman
of the house now.
265
00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:10,334
No, I don't think it's
gonna get to that.
266
00:13:10,369 --> 00:13:12,265
You see,
Daddy doesn't know yet.
267
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,801
And we have one thing
going in our favor.
268
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,666
Every other family
on the block
269
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:19,100
is having a good time
away from home,
270
00:13:19,135 --> 00:13:20,399
except us.
271
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:23,267
That means it's open season
on their houses.
272
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,934
So I want you
to check barbecues,
273
00:13:25,969 --> 00:13:28,368
fireplaces,
and ovens for ashes.
274
00:13:28,403 --> 00:13:30,767
Oh, whoever goes
to the McGintys,
275
00:13:30,802 --> 00:13:32,251
bring me a Dr. Pepper.
276
00:13:32,286 --> 00:13:33,666
Ha, ha!
Hurry up!
277
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:34,968
[UNDER BREATH]
Oh, boy.
278
00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:37,165
God.
279
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,200
I can't stand this
anymore!
280
00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:42,184
AL:
I can.
281
00:13:42,219 --> 00:13:44,133
Come to Daddy!
282
00:13:44,168 --> 00:13:46,100
Oh.
283
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:53,634
[SOBS]
284
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,900
I hate Labor Day so much.
285
00:14:06,935 --> 00:14:10,601
Did you get the ashes?
286
00:14:10,636 --> 00:14:12,132
A piece of cake.
287
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:13,968
You know, you can
learn a lot about a person
288
00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:15,232
going through their house.
289
00:14:15,267 --> 00:14:17,834
You know, Mr. Collins
who lives down the block?
290
00:14:17,869 --> 00:14:19,185
He must be
a real stud.
291
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:20,393
I mean, he's a bachelor,
292
00:14:20,428 --> 00:14:21,532
but his whole closet
293
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,133
is filled
with women's clothing.
294
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,868
Pretty fancy thinking
for a dullard, eh, Mom?
295
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,601
Well, we got
the groceries.
296
00:14:35,636 --> 00:14:37,532
Ah.
297
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,217
Thanks so much
for inviting us
298
00:14:39,252 --> 00:14:40,868
and letting us
pay for it.
299
00:14:40,903 --> 00:14:42,032
I have $5.00 left
300
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:43,934
if you need something
to get the fire going.
301
00:14:43,969 --> 00:14:45,299
You know, Steve,
before we eat,
302
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:46,934
I'm just going to check
on Aunt Tuney.
303
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:48,718
Marcy...
304
00:14:48,753 --> 00:14:50,432
she's dead.
305
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:53,632
Gone, fried, dust.
306
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,467
Paying sailors in hell.
307
00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:00,567
You know, Aunt Tuney
never liked you.
308
00:15:00,602 --> 00:15:01,632
She didn't like anything
309
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,367
that didn't rub its face
back and forth
310
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,400
across her pot belly.
311
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:08,434
Then why didn't
she like you?
312
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:11,866
Mom, we're hungry,
313
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:14,467
and your underwear's
under the table.
314
00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:19,965
Where's Dad?
315
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,467
Uh, he's getting
ready, honey.
316
00:15:22,502 --> 00:15:24,934
And you know
what that means.
317
00:15:24,969 --> 00:15:26,566
[***]
318
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:29,701
[GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE
DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYS]
319
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:43,032
* On the day I was born *
320
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,400
* The nurses all
Gathered 'round *
321
00:15:45,435 --> 00:15:47,851
* They gazed in wide wonder *
322
00:15:47,886 --> 00:15:50,226
* At the joy they had found *
323
00:15:50,261 --> 00:15:52,630
* The head nurse spoke up *
324
00:15:52,665 --> 00:15:54,966
* Said "Leave this one alone" *
325
00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:57,434
* She could tell right away *
326
00:15:57,469 --> 00:15:59,868
* That I was bad to the bone *
327
00:15:59,903 --> 00:16:02,185
* Bad to the bone *
328
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:04,660
* Bad to the bone *
329
00:16:04,695 --> 00:16:06,997
* B-B-B-B-Bad *
330
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:09,249
* B-B-B-B-Bad *
331
00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:11,775
* B-B-B-B-Bad *
332
00:16:11,810 --> 00:16:14,267
* Bad to the bone *
333
00:16:14,302 --> 00:16:16,133
[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]
334
00:16:17,133 --> 00:16:19,334
Let's cook.
335
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:32,267
Finally,
we can eat.
336
00:16:32,302 --> 00:16:33,701
Not quite yet.
337
00:16:33,736 --> 00:16:35,065
Labor Day.
338
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,100
What does it mean
to us?
339
00:16:38,135 --> 00:16:41,065
To answer
that question,
340
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,901
we must hark back
to earlier times.
341
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:44,965
You see, kids,
342
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:49,000
while the cavewoman
sat around getting fat,
343
00:16:49,035 --> 00:16:50,199
smoking cigarettes,
344
00:16:50,234 --> 00:16:53,850
and watching
the Phil Java Man show,
345
00:16:53,885 --> 00:16:57,467
the caveman
braved the elements,
346
00:16:57,502 --> 00:16:59,732
risking life and limb
347
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:02,065
and the prehistoric beasts
348
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:06,183
with only the hair
on his back for protection.
349
00:17:06,218 --> 00:17:10,267
In 1492, Columbus brought
Labor Day to America.
350
00:17:10,302 --> 00:17:12,901
And the women
still did nothing!
351
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:18,267
And that's what Labor Day
means to me.
352
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:23,050
May we eat now?
353
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,242
Not quite yet.
354
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:27,365
What other torture
355
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,667
can he possibly
inflict on us?
356
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:37,700
* O'er the land
Of the free *
357
00:17:37,735 --> 00:17:44,734
* And the home
Of the brave *
358
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,767
And the burgers
take the field.
359
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:01,901
In exactly 11 minutes
and seven seconds,
360
00:18:01,936 --> 00:18:03,300
you're going
to sink your teeth
361
00:18:03,335 --> 00:18:04,466
in the best burger
362
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:08,165
they ever yanked
out of a cow.
363
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,817
Ooh, Al, you make it
sound so good,
364
00:18:10,852 --> 00:18:13,399
but Marcy and I
rarely eat red meat.
365
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:15,667
So would you mind fixing up
this salmon I brought?
366
00:18:15,702 --> 00:18:17,634
Oh. No problem.
367
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,567
No fish will ever
touch my grill.
368
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,166
Well, we still have
three minutes
369
00:18:33,201 --> 00:18:35,634
before we have
to turn the burgers.
370
00:18:35,669 --> 00:18:38,067
Come on, Peg.
This is your lucky day.
371
00:18:38,102 --> 00:18:39,466
Look! It's open, Al.
372
00:18:39,501 --> 00:18:42,634
Really, it's open,
and it wasn't hard at all.
373
00:18:42,669 --> 00:18:45,334
Really.
Oh, no!
374
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:48,701
[SNIFFS]
375
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:49,734
Ah!
376
00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:53,666
What happened
to my fish?
377
00:18:53,701 --> 00:18:55,734
Oh. Well, it fell
on the ground. Eat up.
378
00:18:57,934 --> 00:18:59,299
Well?
379
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:01,033
Mm-mm!
The greatest, Dad.
380
00:19:01,068 --> 00:19:02,133
Delicious.
381
00:19:02,168 --> 00:19:03,133
Peg?
382
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:11,133
[WHINING,
QUIETLY SOBBING]
383
00:19:11,168 --> 00:19:12,132
Oh, not that. No.
384
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,334
I meant,
how's your burger?
385
00:19:14,369 --> 00:19:17,199
I know what you want.
386
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,850
You want me to say
it's tough and chewy
387
00:19:19,885 --> 00:19:22,467
so you can have your way
with me again.
388
00:19:22,502 --> 00:19:23,899
Well, it's not.
389
00:19:23,934 --> 00:19:28,067
It's light and fluffy
and melts in my mouth.
390
00:19:28,102 --> 00:19:29,667
Ha!
391
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:35,732
Steve,
392
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:37,933
how's your burger?
393
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:40,199
You know,
I hate to admit it,
394
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:42,000
but this is the best burger
I've ever had.
395
00:19:42,035 --> 00:19:43,000
What's your secret?
396
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,601
I sneak over to
the nudie place
397
00:19:45,636 --> 00:19:46,566
a couple of times a month
398
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:48,000
in order to make it
through life.
399
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:59,332
No. I meant
about your burgers.
400
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:01,968
Oh! Oh. The secret's
in the ashes, Steve.
401
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:03,601
See, I never
clean my grill.
402
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,299
Ashes from the past
403
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:06,984
for burgers
of the future.
404
00:20:07,019 --> 00:20:08,599
Marcy, you're not eating.
405
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:11,684
How can I eat with you
talking about ashes?
406
00:20:11,719 --> 00:20:14,734
It only makes me think
of my poor Aunt Tuney
407
00:20:14,769 --> 00:20:16,434
up on the mantle
over our fireplace
408
00:20:16,469 --> 00:20:17,467
in her little urn.
409
00:20:28,434 --> 00:20:31,299
Um... excuse me,
but what did you say
410
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:33,934
was in the little urn
above your fireplace?
411
00:20:33,969 --> 00:20:36,067
The ashes
of my dead aunt.
412
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,734
Bud, can I talk to you
for a second?
413
00:20:43,769 --> 00:20:45,799
Mm!
414
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:47,617
[WHISPERS]
415
00:20:47,652 --> 00:20:49,400
[GAGS]
416
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,167
[WHISPERS]
417
00:20:58,202 --> 00:20:59,934
[GAGS]
418
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,300
[WHISPERS]
419
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:26,133
Marcy, come on.
You're not eating any.
420
00:21:26,168 --> 00:21:28,968
Take a bite.
You'll like it.
421
00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:30,085
Uh, Marcy...
422
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,167
Shut up, ghoul.
423
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,334
Alrighty.
424
00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:37,466
Mm!
425
00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:39,267
These are quite good.
426
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:41,866
Mm.
You know, Al,
427
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:45,065
I'm sorry to be
such a party poop.
428
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:48,834
It's just that
I loved my aunt very much.
429
00:21:48,869 --> 00:21:52,032
Mm!
These are delicious!
430
00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:54,167
But Aunt Tuney meant
so much to me.
431
00:21:54,202 --> 00:21:55,499
I know she did, Marce,
432
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:58,100
but sometimes we've got to
put the dead behind us.
433
00:21:58,135 --> 00:21:59,766
Mm!
434
00:21:59,801 --> 00:22:02,132
Aunt Tuney loved
a good barbecue.
435
00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:05,834
I only wish she could
be with us right now.
436
00:22:05,869 --> 00:22:07,735
If it's any
comfort to you, Marce,
437
00:22:07,770 --> 00:22:09,601
I'm sure she's
with us in spirit.
438
00:22:09,636 --> 00:22:10,718
Mm... Mm...
439
00:22:10,753 --> 00:22:12,127
[SPITS]
440
00:22:12,162 --> 00:22:13,501
Bone. Mm.
441
00:22:16,634 --> 00:22:18,017
But if she was here,
442
00:22:18,052 --> 00:22:19,542
I'm sure she'd be saying
443
00:22:19,577 --> 00:22:20,998
just what
we're saying now:
444
00:22:21,033 --> 00:22:23,868
These are the best burgers
this side of heaven.
445
00:22:23,903 --> 00:22:25,300
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
446
00:22:39,501 --> 00:22:41,901
[***]1
00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:05,467
[***]
2
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:19,033
And one, and two,
and three, and four.
3
00:01:19,033 --> 00:01:22,434
And one, and two,
and three, and four.
4
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:26,000
And one, and two,
and three, and four.
5
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,267
And rest.
6
00:01:29,334 --> 00:01:31,868
[SIGHS]
7
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:35,734
Okay, ladies. Let's take
a break while I mix up
a Jim Jupiter spirulina
8
00:01:35,734 --> 00:01:37,200
and wheat-grass shake.
9
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,334
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
10
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:41,367
Mmm. Look
at that sweat
11
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:44,167
glistening off
Jim Jupiter's arms.
12
00:01:44,167 --> 00:01:45,501
Come on, baby,
13
00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:47,567
mama wants
a salt lick.
14
00:01:51,634 --> 00:01:52,634
I wouldn't mind
15
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,167
being the first
woman on Jupiter.
16
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:59,300
Not that Steve
is anything to laugh at.
17
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:06,000
You know,
18
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,868
it does seem odd,
doesn't it?
19
00:02:07,868 --> 00:02:10,767
I mean, Al and Steve
look nothing like Jim,
20
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:13,701
yet they're all lumped
together as "men."
21
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:17,033
Well, let's not
be hasty.
22
00:02:17,033 --> 00:02:18,334
Men like Jim Jupiter
may not be
23
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:20,200
all they're
cracked up to be.
24
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,000
Take away his biceps,
triceps, quadriceps
25
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,667
washboard stomach,
and what have you got?
26
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:28,367
Whoa!
27
00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:32,033
Whoa! No more tacos
at lunch for me.
28
00:02:33,033 --> 00:02:34,033
Peg,
29
00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:35,567
could you wring
this shirt out?
30
00:02:35,567 --> 00:02:37,234
I gotta
wear it tomorrow.
31
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:39,634
Is there
any food?
32
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,701
There's a six-pack
in the fridge.
33
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:44,133
I kinda like something
to wash it down with.
34
00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:45,934
Why don't you pop
this chicken in the oven?
35
00:02:45,934 --> 00:02:47,634
Oh! Ha-ha!
36
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,601
Excuse me, Marce.
That's an honest mistake.
37
00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:53,334
Squish away
from me.
38
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:56,467
I've known him
for four years,
39
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:58,033
and I've never
seen him dry.
40
00:02:58,033 --> 00:03:00,334
You've never
had sex with him.
41
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:03,400
Oh, look,
42
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,534
Jim's greased up
and ready.
43
00:03:05,534 --> 00:03:07,667
Who's the sissy mary?
44
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:08,968
That's
Jim Jupiter,
45
00:03:08,968 --> 00:03:10,567
the healthiest
man in Chicago.
46
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:13,601
Oh, yeah? Does he have
guns like these?
47
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,267
Put your arms
down, Al.
48
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:21,868
You're killing
the plants.
49
00:03:23,367 --> 00:03:24,868
Oh, Jim's
speaking.
50
00:03:24,868 --> 00:03:28,000
Okay, ladies. You know
what it's time to do now.
51
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,534
Dash off
to a Judy Garland concert?
52
00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:31,601
Shh! Shh!
53
00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:33,234
It's time
to announce the winner
54
00:03:33,234 --> 00:03:35,767
of the free
Jim Jupiter workout.
55
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:37,868
Yup. Jim is gonna spend
two whole, healthy weeks
56
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:39,100
with some lucky woman.
57
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:41,834
Me, me, me!
Me, me, me, me!
58
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:45,167
Now, what lucky lady
will get to spend two weeks
with Jim Jupiter,
59
00:03:45,167 --> 00:03:46,934
the healthiest man in Chicago?
60
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,434
And the winner is...
61
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:55,667
Miss Peggy Bundy!
62
00:03:55,667 --> 00:03:57,200
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
63
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,834
Ah ha-ha-ha!
64
00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:00,767
I can't believe it!
65
00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:01,934
I can't believe it!
66
00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:05,868
Marcie, I get to watch
Jim Jupiter
67
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:10,267
do squat thrusts
for two whole weeks
in my house.
68
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:12,100
Can you believe it?
69
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:13,501
Oh, so what?
70
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:15,300
Who needs him?
71
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:18,000
I already have a real man
at my house.
72
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,300
STEVE:
* A wandering minstrel, I *
73
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:22,868
* A thing of threads
And patches *
74
00:04:22,868 --> 00:04:24,834
What do ya think, Marce?
75
00:04:24,834 --> 00:04:26,534
Wanna go see
Mikado tonight?
76
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,367
* For he's going to marry
Yum-yum, yum-yum *
77
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:32,834
Oh, please,
let me watch Jim squat.
78
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:34,167
Just once. Please?
79
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:36,567
Well, okay.
But don't touch.
80
00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:38,267
Now, I've got to buy
a new leotard.
81
00:04:38,267 --> 00:04:40,267
I wanna
look great for Jim.
82
00:04:40,267 --> 00:04:42,033
Forget it. He's not coming.
83
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:43,400
No, ma'am. No chance.
84
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,968
No way, no how.
85
00:04:44,968 --> 00:04:46,334
Peg, I'm sorry,
86
00:04:46,334 --> 00:04:48,000
but this time
I just have to say--
87
00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:51,300
I have spoken.
88
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:57,501
Wanna see
Mikado tonight?
89
00:04:57,501 --> 00:05:00,300
Who's he fighting?
90
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,100
I can't
believe it!
91
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:06,000
I get to watch Jim Jupiter
flex and ripple
92
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,267
in the privacy of my own home.
93
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:11,133
Mom, do I really have to
share a room with Kelly
94
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:12,801
while that exercise
guy is here?
95
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:15,234
I'll be up all night
with all those guys babbling,
96
00:05:15,234 --> 00:05:17,267
"Hurry up. I gotta
get back to the ship."
97
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:26,400
Now, kids,
98
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,601
will you just forget about
your empty little lives
99
00:05:28,601 --> 00:05:30,667
and think
about mine?
100
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,601
Jim Jupiter will
be here any minute.
101
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:34,133
How do I look?
102
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,334
Hot.
103
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,400
Desperate.
104
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:41,501
Good. I didn't wanna send
any mixed signals.
105
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:42,567
[DOORBELL RINGS]
106
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:43,567
Oh, he's here!
107
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:44,567
He's here!
108
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:47,400
Okay, now, everybody
behave normally
109
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,334
and don't say
anything stupid.
110
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,067
Come to Mama.
111
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,734
I know, I know.
112
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:58,267
I'm Jim Jupiter,
the healthiest man in Chicago.
113
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:00,367
Hi, I'm Bud Bundy,
114
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:02,667
the studliest man
on Earth.
115
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:06,467
I'm Kelly Bundy.
116
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,367
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Jim.
117
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:13,868
He's mine.
118
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:14,868
Hi!
119
00:06:14,868 --> 00:06:16,400
I'm Peggy Bundy.
120
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,100
Don't let the wedding ring
fool you.
121
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,667
It means
nothing to me.
122
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:23,968
Jim...
123
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,267
Uh, Bud Bundy.
124
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:27,701
We met
a moment ago.
125
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,901
I have a question
for ya.
126
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,501
How do I gain
upper body strength?
127
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,067
Wear arm weights
on your arms
128
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:38,801
when you squeeze
your pimples?
129
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,467
Stuff a bra!
130
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,701
Pick a nose!
131
00:06:42,701 --> 00:06:44,901
Now, kids,
Jim just got here,
132
00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:47,033
and I'm sure he'd
like to strip down.
133
00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:48,367
Oh--
ha-ha.
134
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,133
I mean, sit down
and relax.
135
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,601
So go away.
Dinner's in two weeks.
136
00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:00,701
Oopsie.
137
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,434
Uh-uh. The correct way
to pick something up,
138
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:12,334
is to bend
from the knees.
139
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,834
What a shame.
140
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,434
A body like that
and not a brain in his head.
141
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:30,133
Okay, Jim.
142
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:33,934
Bend me, shape me,
any way you want me.
143
00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:36,601
Well, you've got a good, healthy
attitude about exercise.
144
00:07:36,601 --> 00:07:38,400
I guess we could start
with some warm-ups.
145
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,868
Get down
on all fours.
146
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:47,267
Woof.
147
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:56,534
Hi, Peg.
148
00:07:58,334 --> 00:07:59,834
How was
your day?
149
00:08:00,534 --> 00:08:02,300
Looking up.
150
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:04,767
Uh, Al, meet Jim.
151
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,133
I'm Jim Jupiter,
the healthiest man in Chicago.
152
00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:08,868
Then you should
heal quick
153
00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,934
when I pull your spine
through your mouth.
154
00:08:11,868 --> 00:08:14,467
Now, now, now,
boys.
155
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:15,534
No need to fight.
156
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:16,901
We're all adults here.
157
00:08:16,901 --> 00:08:19,400
And I think we can come
to an understanding.
158
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,968
But I'm warning you,
if the two of you
159
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,868
can't come
to an understanding,
160
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,133
I'm afraid you'll just
have to leave, Al.
161
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:29,234
Peg, can I see you
over here for a minute?
162
00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:30,267
Sure, honey.
163
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:34,467
Peg, as you know
I am the man,
164
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:37,133
and a man's home
is his coffin.
165
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:40,334
Don't you understand?
166
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:43,334
I just want what
every married woman wants:
167
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:47,234
someone besides her
husband to live with.
168
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:50,234
I mean, what do you think
I'm going to do with him?
169
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:52,200
Lick him up and down?
170
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:59,801
Nuzzle my head against
his rippling, heaving chest?
171
00:08:59,801 --> 00:09:02,634
Plant little angel kisses
all over his glistening--
172
00:09:02,634 --> 00:09:04,467
Okay, so it's innocent.
173
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:09,234
But I still don't see
what you need him for.
174
00:09:09,234 --> 00:09:11,400
You wanna bend? Dust.
175
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:15,534
You wanna reach?
Sweep.
176
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:17,000
You want sex?
Just let me know
177
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,067
when you're finished,
I'll come home.
178
00:09:24,734 --> 00:09:28,601
Now, Peg, I'm only
gonna say this one time.
179
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:29,601
I want him outta here,
180
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,300
I want you
in the kitchen,
181
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,934
and I want
my supper now.
182
00:09:34,634 --> 00:09:35,901
Okay, Jim.
183
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:38,234
Al's going out
to dinner.
184
00:09:38,234 --> 00:09:40,300
Instead of going out
to dinner, Mr. Bundy,
185
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:42,334
why don't you stay here
and work out with us?
186
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,133
I mean, what's the point
of having a beautiful,
sexy, young wife
187
00:09:45,133 --> 00:09:46,968
if you're just gonna
look like that?
188
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,634
Listen, Jim-bellina.
189
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:58,334
Don't let these slits
on my wrists fool you.
190
00:09:58,334 --> 00:10:01,100
I'm in great shape.
I was an athlete in high school.
191
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,567
So was I.
I was a gymnast.
192
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:08,133
A gymnast isn't an athlete.
193
00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:11,634
A gymnast is...
like, like a girl.
194
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
195
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:20,567
I'm just here to borrow
some spirulina.
196
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:23,467
Ah! Jim Jupiter!
197
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:28,567
Honey, it's Jim Jupiter.
What a surprise.
198
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:30,701
Gee, I'll bet
he came in
that van outside
199
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,133
that says,
"Jim Jupiter."
200
00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,801
Shut up.
201
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,334
Hi, I'm Marcie.
202
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,167
This is my husband,
Scrawny.
203
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:42,100
I mean, Steve.
204
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,701
Hi,
I'm Jim Jupiter.
205
00:10:43,701 --> 00:10:45,100
Nice to meet you,
Steve.
206
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,100
Nice, firm handshake.
207
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,100
Yeah, well, I played a little
sousaphone in high school.
208
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:53,501
Were you two
getting ready to exercise?
209
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:54,634
I hate to interrupt.
210
00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:56,067
Well, actually,
Jim and I were--
211
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:58,501
Good, good, good.
Well, I'm all warmed up.
212
00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:00,834
Let's get down on the floor
and get pumped.
213
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:04,667
You believe these two
want this guy?
214
00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:06,801
Ya know what he did
in high school?
215
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:08,734
He was a gymnast.
216
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,200
[LAUGHS]
217
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,567
Ah, football
and the band.
218
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:17,934
That's where the men were
in our day, right, buddy?
219
00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:20,167
Let's say we go get us
a pizza, Steve.
220
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:22,701
Yeah. Let's eat
till we vomit.
221
00:11:22,701 --> 00:11:25,534
You know,
like men.
222
00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:29,701
* For we're going to eat
Yum-yum, yum-yum *
223
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,634
Let's begin with
some in-place runs.
224
00:11:32,634 --> 00:11:34,100
You know, to burn off
the tension.
225
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,234
You know, you got
a lotta nerve.
226
00:11:40,234 --> 00:11:41,868
Did I come over
to your house
227
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,100
when you won the
Woman In Banking award?
228
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,267
Yes, you did.
229
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,801
And you stole
a whole chicken.
230
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:51,968
Yeah, but at least
I didn't wiggle
my butt in front of it
231
00:11:51,968 --> 00:11:53,400
when I did it.
232
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,167
Follow me, ladies.
233
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,701
You know, Marcie,
you're right.
234
00:11:58,701 --> 00:12:01,400
There is plenty of Jim
to go around.
235
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,167
Let's not forget
we're friends. Agreed?
236
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:04,200
Agreed.
237
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,767
[LAUGHS]
238
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:11,534
And three, and four,
and rest.
239
00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:12,534
[SIGHS]
240
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:13,667
What happened
to Marcie?
241
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,133
Oh,
she lost interest.
242
00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:16,300
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
243
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,501
MARCIE:
Lemme in, you swine!
244
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:22,100
Okay, Jim. I'm beat.
245
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,601
I'm just gonna
sit over here
246
00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:25,667
while you flex me
off to sleep.
247
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:28,367
That's not quite
how it works, Mrs. Bundy.
248
00:12:28,367 --> 00:12:32,267
Uh, just how
does it work, Jim?
249
00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:35,667
JIM:
And one, and two,
and three, and four,
250
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:38,734
and five, and six,
and seven, and eight...
251
00:12:38,734 --> 00:12:42,534
twelve, 13,
14, 15, 16...
252
00:12:42,534 --> 00:12:47,434
Forty-five,
46, 47, 48, 49...
253
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:53,634
fifty-seven, 58, 59,
60, 61, 62, 63, 64,
254
00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:55,601
sixty-five, 66, 67...
255
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,434
[WHINING]
256
00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:14,000
And 197 and 198
and 199 and 200.
257
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,601
Okay.
258
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:18,000
I think
you're warmed up.
259
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,601
Let's get started.
260
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:24,000
Bonbon.
261
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,400
No bonbons.
262
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,400
Okay, Jim.
263
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,534
Let's clear up
a few misconceptions.
264
00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:35,000
There are two things
Peggy Bundy doesn't do.
265
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,734
Number one:
266
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:40,968
Cook, clean, sew, vacuum,
iron, and parent.
267
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,501
And number two:
268
00:13:44,501 --> 00:13:45,567
Exercise.
269
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:49,300
Well, Jim Jupiter
loves a challenge.
270
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:51,200
Bonbon.
271
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,601
I'm here to change
your whole life, Peggy Bundy.
272
00:13:53,601 --> 00:13:54,801
Bonbon!
273
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:58,334
Mrs. Bundy,
you're a strong woman.
274
00:13:58,334 --> 00:14:00,501
But I'm the healthiest man
in Chicago.
275
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:03,234
I can see this week
is gonna be a test of wills.
276
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,667
Bonbon.
277
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:20,434
I like strawberry the best,
don't you?
278
00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:21,868
Actually,
the mocha are--
Shh!
279
00:14:21,868 --> 00:14:23,200
Oprah's on!
280
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,267
Oh.
281
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,467
Peggy,
you look fabulous.
282
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:35,567
That time with Jim
really paid off.
283
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:36,567
Do you feel
better?
284
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:37,968
Oh,
I certainly do.
285
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:40,767
And Jim says as long as
I stick with my program,
286
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,567
I'll live a long
and happy life.
287
00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:46,133
Oh, he's on.
288
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,534
ANNOUNCER:
And now, ladies,
live from Chicago,
289
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:50,968
the Jim Jupiter show!
290
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,767
Hi, ladies.
I'm Jim Jupiter...
291
00:14:58,234 --> 00:15:00,334
the healthiest man
in Chicago.
292
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,567
Now,
let's get that exercise thing
293
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:04,801
over with, shall we?
294
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:05,801
[COUGHS]
295
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:06,934
And one...
296
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:11,300
He's put on some weight,
hasn't he?
297
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:13,767
Oh,
he's just pumped.
298
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,567
In his chin?
299
00:15:17,734 --> 00:15:20,100
[COUGHING]
300
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:25,901
Oh, no!
301
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,434
He-- he's dead!
302
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:33,868
My boyfriend's dead!
303
00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:36,167
Your boyfriend?
He's my boyfriend!
304
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:37,167
No. Mine.
305
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:38,167
Mine!
306
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:39,901
Mine!
He's mine!
307
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:41,968
Oh, my hair!
You tramp!
308
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:45,300
I can't
believe it.
309
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,634
He looked so healthy
when he was here.
310
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:49,834
What could have
happened to him?
311
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:07,300
"Blood-sugar level enough
to kill three horses,
312
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:11,300
cholesterol-level high enough
to dam the mighty Mississippi."
313
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,033
That's writing!
314
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:16,968
Oh, it's my
fault, Al.
315
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:18,100
I did it.
316
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,767
I killed the healthiest man
in Chicago.
317
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,834
Well, you've been
killing me
318
00:16:22,834 --> 00:16:24,667
and you don't
seem to care.
319
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,801
Yeah,
you're different.
320
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:29,767
You've been as good
as dead for years.
321
00:16:29,767 --> 00:16:31,534
But what about
our children?
322
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,834
I mean, is our lifestyle
killing them?
323
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:36,133
Do we care enough
about our kids?
324
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:38,567
Are we concerned
enough, as parents?
325
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:39,868
Where are the kids?
326
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,601
How would I know?
327
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:44,767
Burgers here.
328
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:46,434
Who had
the wet and greasy?
329
00:16:50,167 --> 00:16:52,801
No more burgers
for this family.
330
00:16:56,801 --> 00:16:59,167
How do we get our
vitamins and rocks?
331
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,300
That-- that's
minerals, Kel.
332
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,200
Yeah.
333
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,701
Don't you get it?
334
00:17:10,701 --> 00:17:12,801
Did Jim Jupiter die in vain?
335
00:17:12,801 --> 00:17:15,567
Well, Jim taught me
that enjoying your food
336
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,334
only leads to death.
337
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,601
And I will not be responsible
for the death
338
00:17:19,601 --> 00:17:22,033
or enjoyment of any member
of this family.
339
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:27,267
So, for once, we Bundys
will learn from our mistakes.
340
00:17:27,267 --> 00:17:30,367
Bud, you will not
be a shoe salesman.
341
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,434
And from now on,
342
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:36,734
we're going to start
eating right.
343
00:17:36,734 --> 00:17:38,234
You mean
with forks?
344
00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:43,701
I am trying to show
love for this family.
345
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,634
So either shut up or get out.
346
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,601
Get back here!
347
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,367
All right, now.
348
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,734
I will make the first sacrifice.
349
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,000
My bonbons.
350
00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,133
[DOG HOWLS]
351
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:10,701
Sorry, Buck!
352
00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:14,167
And now, we eat dinner.
353
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:17,901
Nice life.
354
00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:20,000
Mom kills some guy
and we have to suffer.
355
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,734
Yeah. Why didn't we have
to use forks
356
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:24,634
when Aunt Pearlie
killed Uncle Dave?
357
00:18:25,701 --> 00:18:27,234
Well, that was
just an accident.
358
00:18:27,234 --> 00:18:28,767
The ice pick flew
out of her hand.
359
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,634
Thirteen times?
360
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,634
Daddy, if I eat
any more wheat "gurm,"
361
00:18:40,634 --> 00:18:42,567
I'm gonna lose my mind.
362
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,868
Dad, you think
you're the boss.
Do something.
363
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:53,000
No can do, Bud.
364
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,734
See, your mother's
never actually
365
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,801
physically killed
a man before.
366
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:59,734
So I'm afraid we're gonna have
to bear with her for a few days.
367
00:18:59,734 --> 00:19:01,834
Okay, family.
368
00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:03,467
Home cooking!
369
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:09,367
What is it tonight, Mom?
Bee spit?
370
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:13,701
Sunflower paste.
371
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:18,033
Mmm. I'm gonna spread mine
on Styrofoam.
372
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:22,901
That's a rice cake,
Bud.
373
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:25,467
Now, isn't
this delicious?
374
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,534
I'm so glad
we're eating healthy.
375
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,200
We're cleansing
ourselves,
376
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,267
and I do--
I feel ten years younger.
377
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,901
[SOBBING]
378
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:43,267
I wanna live,
but not like this!
379
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,868
Come on, everybody.
Family meeting.
380
00:19:54,968 --> 00:19:56,467
Now, Peg,
381
00:19:56,467 --> 00:20:00,067
I know you think
you're responsible
for killing Jim,
382
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,434
and yet you have no guilt
of squashing the life out of me,
383
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,367
but that's
another meeting.
384
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:06,634
Anyway, what
I'm trying to say is,
385
00:20:06,634 --> 00:20:08,033
you didn't kill Jim.
386
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:10,701
Good health
killed Jim.
387
00:20:10,701 --> 00:20:13,501
See, he purified his
body so completely,
388
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:16,067
that when finally
called upon to do so,
389
00:20:16,067 --> 00:20:18,434
he couldn't handle
the grease, and sugar
390
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:20,267
and toxic waste
that we call food.
391
00:20:21,901 --> 00:20:24,100
He rendered himself
extinct.
392
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:27,567
See, healthy people
are like dinosaurs.
393
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,534
They're not fit
to survive.
394
00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:33,234
Jim's body
couldn't handle
395
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:34,667
the burgers,
and bonbons,
396
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,734
and pastry suckings
like real Americans.
397
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:42,000
You see, Peg,
we are the truly strong.
398
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,601
You really
think so, Al?
399
00:20:43,601 --> 00:20:44,868
Absolutely.
400
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,634
See that cockroach
over there?
401
00:20:47,501 --> 00:20:48,501
That one?
402
00:20:48,501 --> 00:20:49,501
No, that one.
403
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,267
Well, any one
of them.
404
00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:58,334
You don't see them carrying
off a can of wheat germ, do you?
405
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:00,234
"Gurm," Dad.
406
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:05,200
Thank you,
pumpkin.
407
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,200
So, Peg, let's all
follow the example
408
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,534
of our friend,
the cockroach.
409
00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:12,400
They were here
before man.
410
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,868
They'll
be here after man.
411
00:21:13,868 --> 00:21:14,968
You know why?
412
00:21:14,968 --> 00:21:16,701
They eat crap.
413
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:22,567
And I say, "Anything that's
good enough for the cockroach
414
00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:24,501
is good enough
for my family."
415
00:21:24,501 --> 00:21:26,200
Hey! Oh, Dad!
416
00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:29,667
Oh, Al,
417
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,100
you really do care.
418
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,434
Darn right I do.
419
00:21:32,434 --> 00:21:33,901
I don't know
about the rest of you,
420
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,567
but I'm hungry enough
to block a colon.
421
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,400
Grease burgers for
everyone, on Dad!
422
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,167
[CHEERING]
423
00:21:44,167 --> 00:21:45,868
Grease! Grease!
424
00:21:45,868 --> 00:21:47,601
Let's get
lots of mayonnaise.
425
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,467
[***]1
00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:05,467
[***]
2
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:18,367
And one, and two,
and three, and four.
3
00:01:18,402 --> 00:01:22,201
And one, and two,
and three, and four.
4
00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:26,000
And one, and two,
and three, and four.
5
00:01:26,035 --> 00:01:28,267
And rest.
6
00:01:29,334 --> 00:01:31,833
[SIGHS]
7
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:35,734
Okay, ladies. Let's take a break
while I mix up a Jim Jupiter spirulina
8
00:01:35,769 --> 00:01:37,551
and wheat-grass shake.
9
00:01:37,586 --> 00:01:39,476
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
10
00:01:39,511 --> 00:01:41,332
Mmm. Look
at that sweat
11
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:44,167
glistening off
Jim Jupiter's arms.
12
00:01:44,202 --> 00:01:45,466
Come on, baby,
13
00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:47,567
mama wants
a salt lick.
14
00:01:51,634 --> 00:01:52,599
I wouldn't mind
15
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,167
being the first
woman on Jupiter.
16
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:59,300
Not that Steve
is anything to laugh at.
17
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:05,965
You know,
18
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,833
it does seem odd,
doesn't it?
19
00:02:07,868 --> 00:02:10,784
I mean, Al and Steve
look nothing like Jim,
20
00:02:10,819 --> 00:02:13,701
yet they're all lumped
together as "men. "
21
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:16,998
Well, let's not
be hasty.
22
00:02:17,033 --> 00:02:18,616
Men like Jim Jupiter
may not be
23
00:02:18,651 --> 00:02:20,165
all they're
cracked up to be.
24
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,933
Take away his biceps,
triceps, quadriceps
25
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,667
washboard stomach,
and what have you got?
26
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:28,367
Whoa!
27
00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:32,033
Whoa! No more tacos
at lunch for me.
28
00:02:33,033 --> 00:02:33,998
Peg,
29
00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:35,567
could you wring
this shirt out?
30
00:02:35,602 --> 00:02:37,234
I gotta
wear it tomorrow.
31
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:39,599
Is there
any food?
32
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,666
There's a six-pack
in the fridge.
33
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,817
I kinda like something
to wash it down with.
34
00:02:43,852 --> 00:02:45,934
Why don't you pop
this chicken in the oven?
35
00:02:45,969 --> 00:02:47,599
Oh! Ha-ha!
36
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,601
Excuse me, Marce.
That's an honest mistake.
37
00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:53,334
Squish away
from me.
38
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:56,350
I've known him
for four years,
39
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,359
and I've never
seen him dry.
40
00:02:58,394 --> 00:03:00,334
You've never
had sex with him.
41
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:03,365
Oh, look,
42
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,534
Jim's greased up
and ready.
43
00:03:05,569 --> 00:03:07,268
Who's the sissy mary?
44
00:03:07,303 --> 00:03:08,933
That's
Jim Jupiter,
45
00:03:08,968 --> 00:03:10,532
the healthiest
man in Chicago.
46
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:13,601
Oh, yeah? Does he have
guns like these?
47
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,134
Put your arms
down, Al.
48
00:03:20,169 --> 00:03:21,868
You're killing
the plants.
49
00:03:23,367 --> 00:03:24,833
Oh, Jim's
speaking.
50
00:03:24,868 --> 00:03:28,000
Okay, ladies. You know
what it's time to do now.
51
00:03:28,035 --> 00:03:30,534
Dash off
to a Judy Garland concert?
52
00:03:30,569 --> 00:03:31,566
Shh! Shh!
53
00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:33,684
It's time
to announce the winner
54
00:03:33,719 --> 00:03:35,732
of the free
Jim Jupiter workout.
55
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:37,868
Yup. Jim is gonna spend
two whole, healthy weeks
56
00:03:37,903 --> 00:03:39,868
with some lucky woman.
57
00:03:39,903 --> 00:03:41,799
Me, me, me!
Me, me, me, me!
58
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:45,167
Now, what lucky lady will get to
spend two weeks with Jim Jupiter,
59
00:03:45,202 --> 00:03:46,934
the healthiest man in Chicago?
60
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,434
And the winner is...
61
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:55,667
Miss Peggy Bundy!
62
00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:57,268
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
63
00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:58,799
Ah ha-ha-ha!
64
00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:00,384
I can't believe it!
65
00:04:00,419 --> 00:04:01,934
I can't believe it!
66
00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:05,833
Marcie, I get to watch
Jim Jupiter
67
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:10,267
do squat thrusts for two
whole weeks in my house.
68
00:04:10,302 --> 00:04:12,100
Can you believe it?
69
00:04:12,135 --> 00:04:13,717
Oh, so what?
70
00:04:13,752 --> 00:04:15,265
Who needs him?
71
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,800
I already have a real man
at my house.
72
00:04:17,835 --> 00:04:20,351
STEVE:
* A wandering minstrel, I *
73
00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:22,868
* A thing of threads
And patches *
74
00:04:22,903 --> 00:04:24,799
What do ya think, Marce?
75
00:04:24,834 --> 00:04:26,499
Wanna go see
Mikado tonight?
76
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,367
* For he's going to marry
Yum-yum, yum-yum *
77
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:32,834
Oh, please,
let me watch Jim squat.
78
00:04:32,869 --> 00:04:34,132
Just once. Please?
79
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:36,532
Well, okay.
But don't touch.
80
00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:38,267
Now, I've got to buy
a new leotard.
81
00:04:38,302 --> 00:04:40,167
I wanna
look great for Jim.
82
00:04:40,202 --> 00:04:42,033
Forget it. He's not coming.
83
00:04:42,068 --> 00:04:43,400
No, ma'am. No chance.
84
00:04:43,435 --> 00:04:44,884
No way, no how.
85
00:04:44,919 --> 00:04:46,299
Peg, I'm sorry,
86
00:04:46,334 --> 00:04:48,000
but this time
I just have to say...
87
00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:51,300
I have spoken.
88
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:57,501
Wanna see
Mikado tonight?
89
00:04:57,536 --> 00:05:00,300
Who's he fighting?
90
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,065
I can't
believe it!
91
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:06,000
I get to watch Jim Jupiter
flex and ripple
92
00:05:06,035 --> 00:05:08,232
in the privacy of my own home.
93
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:11,133
Mom, do I really have to
share a room with Kelly
94
00:05:11,168 --> 00:05:12,766
while that exercise
guy is here?
95
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:15,234
I'll be up all night
with all those guys babbling,
96
00:05:15,269 --> 00:05:17,267
"Hurry up. I gotta
get back to the ship. "
97
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:26,365
Now, kids,
98
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,601
will you just forget about
your empty little lives
99
00:05:28,636 --> 00:05:30,632
and think
about mine?
100
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,601
Jim Jupiter will
be here any minute.
101
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,133
How do I look?
102
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,299
Hot.
103
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,400
Desperate.
104
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:41,501
Good. I didn't wanna send
any mixed signals.
105
00:05:41,536 --> 00:05:42,551
[DOORBELL RINGS]
106
00:05:42,586 --> 00:05:43,576
Oh, he's here!
107
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:44,532
He's here!
108
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:47,400
Okay, now, everybody
behave normally
109
00:05:47,435 --> 00:05:49,334
and don't say
anything stupid.
110
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,067
Come to Mama.
111
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,699
I know, I know.
112
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:58,267
I'm Jim Jupiter,
the healthiest man in Chicago.
113
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:00,332
Hi, I'm Bud Bundy,
114
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:02,667
the studliest man
on Earth.
115
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:06,432
I'm Kelly Bundy.
116
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,367
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Jim.
117
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:13,868
He's mine.
118
00:06:13,903 --> 00:06:14,833
Hi!
119
00:06:14,868 --> 00:06:16,365
I'm Peggy Bundy.
120
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,100
Don't let the wedding ring
fool you.
121
00:06:18,135 --> 00:06:19,667
It means
nothing to me.
122
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:23,933
Jim...
123
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,232
Uh, Bud Bundy.
124
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:27,666
We met
a moment ago.
125
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,901
I have a question
for ya.
126
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,501
How do I gain
upper body strength?
127
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,284
Wear arm weights
on your arms
128
00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:38,801
when you squeeze
your pimples?
129
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,500
Stuff a bra!
130
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:42,666
Pick a nose!
131
00:06:42,701 --> 00:06:44,866
Now, kids,
Jim just got here,
132
00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:47,033
and I'm sure he'd
like to strip down.
133
00:06:47,068 --> 00:06:48,332
Oh...
ha-ha.
134
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,133
I mean, sit down
and relax.
135
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,601
So go away.
Dinner's in two weeks.
136
00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:00,701
Oopsie.
137
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,434
Uh-uh. The correct way
to pick something up,
138
00:07:10,469 --> 00:07:12,334
is to bend
from the knees.
139
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,834
What a shame.
140
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,434
A body like that
and not a brain in his head.
141
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:30,098
Okay, Jim.
142
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:33,899
Bend me, shape me,
any way you want me.
143
00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:36,601
Well, you've got a good, healthy
attitude about exercise.
144
00:07:36,636 --> 00:07:38,400
I guess we could start
with some warm-ups.
145
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,868
Get down
on all fours.
146
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:47,267
Woof.
147
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:56,534
Hi, Peg.
148
00:07:58,334 --> 00:07:59,834
How was
your day?
149
00:08:00,534 --> 00:08:02,265
Looking up.
150
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:04,732
Uh, Al, meet Jim.
151
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,133
I'm Jim Jupiter,
the healthiest man in Chicago.
152
00:08:07,168 --> 00:08:08,833
Then you should
heal quick
153
00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,934
when I pull your spine
through your mouth.
154
00:08:11,868 --> 00:08:13,701
Now, now, now,
boys.
155
00:08:13,736 --> 00:08:15,499
No need to fight.
156
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:16,866
We're all adults here.
157
00:08:16,901 --> 00:08:19,400
And I think we can come
to an understanding.
158
00:08:19,435 --> 00:08:20,968
But I'm warning you,
if the two of you
159
00:08:21,003 --> 00:08:22,833
can't come
to an understanding,
160
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,133
I'm afraid you'll just
have to leave, Al.
161
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:29,234
Peg, can I see you
over here for a minute?
162
00:08:29,269 --> 00:08:30,267
Sure, honey.
163
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:34,783
Peg, as you know
I am the man,
164
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,133
and a man's home
is his coffin.
165
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:40,299
Don't you understand?
166
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:43,784
I just want what
every married woman wants:
167
00:08:43,819 --> 00:08:47,199
someone besides her
husband to live with.
168
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:50,234
I mean, what do you think
I'm going to do with him?
169
00:08:50,269 --> 00:08:52,200
Lick him up and down?
170
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:58,967
Nuzzle my head against
his rippling, heaving chest?
171
00:08:59,002 --> 00:09:02,634
Plant little angel kisses
all over his glistening...
172
00:09:02,669 --> 00:09:04,467
Okay, so it's innocent.
173
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:09,234
But I still don't see
what you need him for.
174
00:09:09,269 --> 00:09:11,400
You wanna bend? Dust.
175
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:15,499
You wanna reach?
Sweep.
176
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:16,965
You want sex?
Just let me know
177
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,067
when you're finished,
I'll come home.
178
00:09:24,734 --> 00:09:28,601
Now, Peg, I'm only
gonna say this one time.
179
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:29,566
I want him outta here,
180
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,267
I want you
in the kitchen,
181
00:09:31,302 --> 00:09:32,934
and I want
my supper now.
182
00:09:34,634 --> 00:09:35,866
Okay, Jim.
183
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:38,199
Al's going out
to dinner.
184
00:09:38,234 --> 00:09:40,284
Instead of going out
to dinner, Mr. Bundy,
185
00:09:40,319 --> 00:09:42,299
why don't you stay here
and work out with us?
186
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,133
I mean, what's the point of having
a beautiful, sexy, young wife
187
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,968
if you're just gonna
look like that?
188
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,634
Listen, Jim-bellina.
189
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:58,299
Don't let these slits
on my wrists fool you.
190
00:09:58,334 --> 00:10:01,100
I'm in great shape.
I was an athlete in high school.
191
00:10:01,135 --> 00:10:03,567
So was I.
I was a gymnast.
192
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:08,098
A gymnast isn't an athlete.
193
00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:11,634
A gymnast is...
like, like a girl.
194
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
195
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:20,567
I'm just here to borrow
some spirulina.
196
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:23,467
Ah! Jim Jupiter!
197
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:27,751
Honey, it's Jim Jupiter.
What a surprise.
198
00:10:27,786 --> 00:10:30,701
Gee, I'll bet he came
in that van outside
199
00:10:30,736 --> 00:10:32,133
that says,
"Jim Jupiter. "
200
00:10:32,168 --> 00:10:33,766
Shut up.
201
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,299
Hi, I'm Marcie.
202
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,167
This is my husband,
Scrawny.
203
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:42,065
I mean, Steve.
204
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,600
Hi,
I'm Jim Jupiter.
205
00:10:43,635 --> 00:10:45,367
Nice to meet you,
Steve.
206
00:10:45,402 --> 00:10:47,065
Nice, firm handshake.
207
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,100
Yeah, well, I played a little
sousaphone in high school.
208
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:53,501
Were you two
getting ready to exercise?
209
00:10:53,536 --> 00:10:54,599
I hate to interrupt.
210
00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:56,032
Well, actually,
Jim and I were...
211
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:58,450
Good, good, good.
Well, I'm all warmed up.
212
00:10:58,485 --> 00:11:00,834
Let's get down on the floor
and get pumped.
213
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:04,751
You believe these two
want this guy?
214
00:11:04,786 --> 00:11:06,801
Ya know what he did
in high school?
215
00:11:06,836 --> 00:11:08,734
He was a gymnast.
216
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:11,165
[LAUGHS]
217
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,532
Ah, football
and the band.
218
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:17,934
That's where the men were
in our day, right, buddy?
219
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,167
Let's say we go get us
a pizza, Steve.
220
00:11:20,202 --> 00:11:22,701
Yeah. Let's eat
till we vomit.
221
00:11:22,736 --> 00:11:25,499
You know,
like men.
222
00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:29,701
* For we're going to eat
Yum-yum, yum-yum *
223
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,433
Let's begin with
some in-place runs.
224
00:11:32,468 --> 00:11:34,100
You know, to burn off
the tension.
225
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,000
You know, you got
a lotta nerve.
226
00:11:40,035 --> 00:11:41,833
Did I come over
to your house
227
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,100
when you won the
Woman In Banking award?
228
00:11:44,135 --> 00:11:45,232
Yes, you did.
229
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,801
And you stole
a whole chicken.
230
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:51,968
Yeah, but at least I didn't
wiggle my butt in front of it
231
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,585
when I did it.
232
00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:55,167
Follow me, ladies.
233
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,666
You know, Marcie,
you're right.
234
00:11:58,701 --> 00:12:00,934
There is plenty of Jim
to go around.
235
00:12:00,969 --> 00:12:03,167
Let's not forget
we're friends. Agreed?
236
00:12:03,202 --> 00:12:04,484
Agreed.
237
00:12:04,519 --> 00:12:05,767
[LAUGHS]
238
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:11,534
And three, and four,
and rest.
239
00:12:11,569 --> 00:12:12,499
[SIGHS]
240
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:13,833
What happened
to Marcie?
241
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:15,133
Oh,
she lost interest.
242
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,265
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
243
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,501
MARCIE:
Lemme in, you swine!
244
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:22,065
Okay, Jim. I'm beat.
245
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,883
I'm just gonna
sit over here
246
00:12:23,918 --> 00:12:25,632
while you flex me
off to sleep.
247
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:28,367
That's not quite
how it works, Mrs. Bundy.
248
00:12:28,402 --> 00:12:32,232
Uh, just how
does it work, Jim?
249
00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:35,500
JIM: And one, and two,
and three, and four,
250
00:12:35,535 --> 00:12:38,734
and five, and six,
and seven, and eight...
251
00:12:38,769 --> 00:12:43,101
twelve, 13,
14, 15, 16...
252
00:12:43,136 --> 00:12:47,399
Forty-five,
46, 47, 48, 49...
253
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:53,634
fifty-seven, 58, 59,
60, 61, 62, 63, 64,
254
00:12:53,669 --> 00:12:55,601
sixty-five, 66, 67...
255
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,434
[WHINING]
256
00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:14,000
And 197 and 198
and 199 and 200.
257
00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:16,566
Okay.
258
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:18,000
I think
you're warmed up.
259
00:13:18,035 --> 00:13:19,601
Let's get started.
260
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:24,600
Bonbon.
261
00:13:24,635 --> 00:13:26,517
No bonbons.
262
00:13:26,552 --> 00:13:28,365
Okay, Jim.
263
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,499
Let's clear up
a few misconceptions.
264
00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:35,000
There are two things
Peggy Bundy doesn't do.
265
00:13:35,035 --> 00:13:36,699
Number one:
266
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:40,968
Cook, clean, sew, vacuum,
iron, and parent.
267
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,501
And number two:
268
00:13:44,536 --> 00:13:45,532
Exercise.
269
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:49,300
Well, Jim Jupiter
loves a challenge.
270
00:13:49,335 --> 00:13:51,165
Bonbon.
271
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,601
I'm here to change
your whole life, Peggy Bundy.
272
00:13:53,636 --> 00:13:54,801
Bonbon!
273
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:58,300
Mrs. Bundy,
you're a strong woman.
274
00:13:58,335 --> 00:14:00,466
But I'm the healthiest man
in Chicago.
275
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:03,234
I can see this week
is gonna be a test of wills.
276
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,667
Bonbon.
277
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:20,434
I like strawberry the best,
don't you?
278
00:14:20,469 --> 00:14:21,868
Actually, the mocha are... Shh!
279
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,200
Oprah's on!
280
00:14:23,235 --> 00:14:24,267
Oh.
281
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,432
Peggy,
you look fabulous.
282
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:35,567
That time with Jim
really paid off.
283
00:14:35,602 --> 00:14:36,785
Do you feel
better?
284
00:14:36,820 --> 00:14:37,933
Oh,
I certainly do.
285
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:40,767
And Jim says as long as
I stick with my program,
286
00:14:40,802 --> 00:14:43,567
I'll live a long
and happy life.
287
00:14:43,602 --> 00:14:46,098
Oh, he's on.
288
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,534
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies,
live from Chicago,
289
00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:50,968
the Jim Jupiter show!
290
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,767
Hi, ladies.
I'm Jim Jupiter...
291
00:14:58,234 --> 00:15:00,900
the healthiest man
in Chicago.
292
00:15:00,935 --> 00:15:03,567
Now,
let's get that exercise thing
293
00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:04,801
over with, shall we?
294
00:15:04,836 --> 00:15:05,885
[COUGHS]
295
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:06,934
And one...
296
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:11,300
He's put on some weight,
hasn't he?
297
00:15:11,335 --> 00:15:13,767
Oh,
he's just pumped.
298
00:15:13,802 --> 00:15:15,567
In his chin?
299
00:15:17,734 --> 00:15:20,100
[COUGHING]
300
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:25,866
Oh, no!
301
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,434
He... he's dead!
302
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:33,833
My boyfriend's dead!
303
00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:36,167
Your boyfriend?
He's my boyfriend!
304
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:37,167
No. Mine.
305
00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:38,132
Mine!
306
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:39,866
Mine!
He's mine!
307
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:41,968
Oh, my hair!
You tramp!
308
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:45,265
I can't
believe it.
309
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,634
He looked so healthy
when he was here.
310
00:15:47,669 --> 00:15:49,834
What could have
happened to him?
311
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:07,265
"Blood-sugar level enough
to kill three horses,
312
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:11,300
cholesterol-level high enough
to dam the mighty Mississippi. "
313
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,998
That's writing!
314
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:16,968
Oh, it's my
fault, Al.
315
00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:18,065
I did it.
316
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,767
I killed the healthiest man
in Chicago.
317
00:16:20,802 --> 00:16:22,734
Well, you've been
killing me
318
00:16:22,769 --> 00:16:24,785
and you don't
seem to care.
319
00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:26,766
Yeah,
you're different.
320
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:29,767
You've been as good
as dead for years.
321
00:16:29,802 --> 00:16:31,499
But what about
our children?
322
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,834
I mean, is our lifestyle
killing them?
323
00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:36,218
Do we care enough
about our kids?
324
00:16:36,253 --> 00:16:38,567
Are we concerned
enough, as parents?
325
00:16:38,602 --> 00:16:40,101
Where are the kids?
326
00:16:40,136 --> 00:16:41,601
How would I know?
327
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:44,732
Burgers here.
328
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:46,434
Who had
the wet and greasy?
329
00:16:50,167 --> 00:16:52,801
No more burgers
for this family.
330
00:16:56,801 --> 00:16:59,167
How do we get our
vitamins and rocks?
331
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,300
That... that's
minerals, Kel.
332
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,165
Yeah.
333
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,666
Don't you get it?
334
00:17:10,701 --> 00:17:12,766
Did Jim Jupiter die in vain?
335
00:17:12,801 --> 00:17:15,567
Well, Jim taught me
that enjoying your food
336
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,299
only leads to death.
337
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,683
And I will not be responsible
for the death
338
00:17:19,718 --> 00:17:22,033
or enjoyment of any member
of this family.
339
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:27,267
So, for once, we Bundys
will learn from our mistakes.
340
00:17:27,302 --> 00:17:30,367
Bud, you will not
be a shoe salesman.
341
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,399
And from now on,
342
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:36,734
we're going to start
eating right.
343
00:17:36,769 --> 00:17:38,234
You mean
with forks?
344
00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:43,701
I am trying to show
love for this family.
345
00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:45,634
So either shut up or get out.
346
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,601
Get back here!
347
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,332
All right, now.
348
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,734
I will make the first sacrifice.
349
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,000
My bonbons.
350
00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,133
[DOG HOWLS]
351
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:10,701
Sorry, Buck!
352
00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:14,167
And now, we eat dinner.
353
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:17,866
Nice life.
354
00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:20,000
Mom kills some guy
and we have to suffer.
355
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,867
Yeah. Why didn't we have
to use forks
356
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,634
when Aunt Pearlie
killed Uncle Dave?
357
00:18:25,701 --> 00:18:27,234
Well, that was
just an accident.
358
00:18:27,269 --> 00:18:28,767
The ice pick flew
out of her hand.
359
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,634
Thirteen times?
360
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,634
Daddy, if I eat
any more wheat "gurm,"
361
00:18:40,669 --> 00:18:42,567
I'm gonna lose my mind.
362
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,868
Dad, you think you're
the boss. Do something.
363
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:52,965
No can do, Bud.
364
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,900
See, your mother's
never actually
365
00:18:54,935 --> 00:18:56,766
physically killed
a man before.
366
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:59,734
So I'm afraid we're gonna have
to bear with her for a few days.
367
00:18:59,769 --> 00:19:01,618
Okay, family.
368
00:19:01,653 --> 00:19:03,467
Home cooking!
369
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:09,367
What is it tonight, Mom?
Bee spit?
370
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:13,701
Sunflower paste.
371
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:18,033
Mmm. I'm gonna spread mine
on Styrofoam.
372
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:22,984
That's a rice cake,
Bud.
373
00:19:23,019 --> 00:19:25,432
Now, isn't
this delicious?
374
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,534
I'm so glad
we're eating healthy.
375
00:19:27,569 --> 00:19:29,165
We're cleansing
ourselves,
376
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,267
and I do...
I feel ten years younger.
377
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,901
[SOBBING]
378
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:42,667
I wanna live,
but not like this!
379
00:19:42,702 --> 00:19:45,868
Come on, everybody.
Family meeting.
380
00:19:54,968 --> 00:19:56,432
Now, Peg,
381
00:19:56,467 --> 00:20:00,032
I know you think you're
responsible for killing Jim,
382
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,434
and yet you have no guilt
of squashing the life out of me,
383
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,332
but that's
another meeting.
384
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:06,634
Anyway, what
I'm trying to say is,
385
00:20:06,669 --> 00:20:08,685
you didn't kill Jim.
386
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,666
Good health
killed Jim.
387
00:20:10,701 --> 00:20:13,384
See, he purified his
body so completely,
388
00:20:13,419 --> 00:20:15,926
that when finally
called upon to do so,
389
00:20:15,961 --> 00:20:18,434
he couldn't handle
the grease, and sugar
390
00:20:18,469 --> 00:20:20,267
and toxic waste
that we call food.
391
00:20:21,901 --> 00:20:24,065
He rendered himself
extinct.
392
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:27,567
See, healthy people
are like dinosaurs.
393
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,534
They're not fit
to survive.
394
00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:33,300
Jim's body
couldn't handle
395
00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:34,632
the burgers,
and bonbons,
396
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,734
and pastry suckings
like real Americans.
397
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:42,000
You see, Peg,
we are the truly strong.
398
00:20:42,035 --> 00:20:43,601
You really
think so, Al?
399
00:20:43,636 --> 00:20:44,833
Absolutely.
400
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,634
See that cockroach
over there?
401
00:20:47,501 --> 00:20:48,501
That one?
402
00:20:48,536 --> 00:20:49,501
No, that one.
403
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,232
Well, any one
of them.
404
00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:58,334
You don't see them carrying
off a can of wheat germ, do you?
405
00:20:58,369 --> 00:21:00,234
"Gurm," Dad.
406
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:05,200
Thank you,
pumpkin.
407
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,200
So, Peg, let's all
follow the example
408
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:10,817
of our friend,
the cockroach.
409
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:12,360
They were here
before man.
410
00:21:12,395 --> 00:21:13,868
They'll
be here after man.
411
00:21:13,903 --> 00:21:15,302
You know why?
412
00:21:15,337 --> 00:21:16,701
They eat crap.
413
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:22,567
And I say, "Anything that's
good enough for the cockroach
414
00:21:22,602 --> 00:21:24,501
is good enough
for my family. "
415
00:21:24,536 --> 00:21:26,200
Hey! Oh, Dad!
416
00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:29,632
Oh, Al,
417
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,050
you really do care.
418
00:21:31,085 --> 00:21:32,399
Darn right I do.
419
00:21:32,434 --> 00:21:34,500
I don't know
about the rest of you,
420
00:21:34,535 --> 00:21:36,567
but I'm hungry enough
to block a colon.
421
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,400
Grease burgers for
everyone, on Dad!
422
00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:44,132
[CHEERING]
423
00:21:44,167 --> 00:21:45,833
Grease! Grease!
424
00:21:45,868 --> 00:21:47,601
Let's get
lots of mayonnaise.
425
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,467
[***]1
00:00:03,501 --> 00:00:05,734
[***]
2
00:01:14,334 --> 00:01:17,367
Honey, just how long
are you gonna be home for?
3
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:22,834
Two glorious,
foot-picking days.
4
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:25,534
Well,
pace yourself, dear.
5
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:27,133
You know, if you pick
too much today,
6
00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:29,801
you'll have nothing left
to pick tomorrow.
7
00:01:29,801 --> 00:01:31,400
And you know
how we all look forward
8
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,100
to your annual ear,
nose and tooth medley.
9
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:38,200
You know, it's a shame
you don't have another arm.
10
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:42,033
Then you could just sorta
get 'em all goin' at once.
11
00:01:42,033 --> 00:01:43,767
You know, Peg,
if you'd wash my socks,
12
00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:46,267
they might not adhere
to my feet.
13
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,567
Great, Dad.
14
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,200
[QUIETLY]
Thanks for the great time.
15
00:01:58,801 --> 00:01:59,901
Oh,
Daddy.
16
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:01,868
You're home.
17
00:02:01,868 --> 00:02:03,467
I, um...
I got up early
18
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:06,000
so I could get you
theSunday paper.
19
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,100
Where is it?
20
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:09,634
Where's what?
21
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,100
Gee, Kel.
22
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:13,501
You're wearin'
the same dress
23
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,200
you wore out for
your date last night.
24
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,968
How does it keep its shape in
the glove compartment of a car?
25
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,267
Oh, go kiss
your Stridex pad.
26
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,767
Now,
wait a minute.
27
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:32,033
Is everybody
gonna be home today?
28
00:02:32,033 --> 00:02:33,200
Not me.
29
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,968
I've gotta get some money
for tickets
30
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:37,334
to the Oozing Meat concert
tomorrow.
31
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,734
So I've gotta
roll up my sleeves
32
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:41,467
and work really hard
to get this money.
33
00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:43,834
[WEEPING]
Oh, Daddy, can I have
the money, please?!
34
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:46,334
All the kids are going,
and it's only $175!
35
00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:52,234
[WEEPING]
Then I'm afraid that
you can't go, pumpkin!
36
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:56,300
Mommy, can I have the money?
37
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:57,734
All the kids
are going.
38
00:02:57,734 --> 00:03:00,968
Crying only works
on men, dear.
39
00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:04,367
Well, there aren't
any more in the room.
40
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:06,501
Oh, I gotta get that money,
but I don't know how.
41
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:07,767
Ugh,
my head hurts.
42
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:09,734
I have to rest.
43
00:03:09,734 --> 00:03:10,767
[SIGHS]
44
00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:14,467
Come on, Kel.
45
00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:18,100
Just do like I do:
Use your wits.
46
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,934
I do.
47
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:22,501
I said "wits."
48
00:03:27,734 --> 00:03:30,000
With a W.
49
00:03:31,133 --> 00:03:33,534
Mommy, he's spelling
at me again.
50
00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:37,400
Stop taxing
your sister, Bud.
51
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,367
I don't know what you're
so happy about, warthog.
52
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:41,934
You need money
for tickets too.
53
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:45,000
Au contraire,
boy-go-round.
54
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
55
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:48,734
I have my ticket.
56
00:03:48,734 --> 00:03:49,767
How?
57
00:03:50,968 --> 00:03:52,200
Hello,
Mr. Bundy.
58
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,601
We're ready
to go camping.
59
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,200
Well,
have a good time.
60
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,434
[DOORBELL RINGS]
61
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:04,567
What now?
62
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,300
You're taking us
camping, Bundy.
63
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:07,300
We own you.
64
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:08,501
We bought you
in an auction.
65
00:04:08,501 --> 00:04:09,434
See?
66
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,801
"Go a-campin' and a-trappin'
with Al Dan'l Bundy"?
67
00:04:16,801 --> 00:04:18,501
Bud, did you sell your dad?
68
00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:23,968
Well, you were the only thing
in this house we could spare.
69
00:04:23,968 --> 00:04:26,100
Honey, this will be great
for the kids.
70
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,667
A-campin' and a-trappin',
71
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,200
a-pickin' and a-flickin'.
72
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:33,767
You know, you can have
a toe jamboree.
73
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:36,601
Hey, Al.
74
00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:38,968
Well, hi, there,
neighborhood tykes.
75
00:04:38,968 --> 00:04:43,667
Hey, it's the guy who gives us
potatoes on Halloween.
76
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:46,300
Steve,
look what Bud did.
77
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:49,467
"Wilderness man and trapper.
Learn how to survive."
78
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,834
Bundy's tryin' to weasel
out of the deal.
79
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,367
How can you disappoint
these kids, Al?
80
00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:56,467
Look at their innocent
little faces.
81
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,601
Tell you what.
82
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,100
I'll take ya,
little fellas.
83
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,501
ALL:
Yeah!
84
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:08,667
But you're not the great-great-
grandson of Dan'l Bundy.
85
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:10,033
That's true.
86
00:05:10,033 --> 00:05:12,834
My ancestors
could read and write.
87
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,667
Aw, come on, Al.
88
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:19,300
If you trap too many b'ars
to carry home, I'll help ya.
89
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:22,834
I would rather slam
my nose in a car door.
90
00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:26,234
I would rather have
a proctologist named Dr. Hook.
91
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:30,234
I would rather watch
Roseanne Barr do a striptease
92
00:05:30,234 --> 00:05:33,467
than take these little
booger-machines camping.
93
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,367
Well, good, honey.
Then we can spend
94
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:39,200
the whole day
together snuggling.
95
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,200
Up, campers!
96
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,667
Let's go get us
some gear,
97
00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:45,667
chip in for gas,
98
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,267
and get me
the hell outta here.
99
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,067
[CAMPERS CHEER]
100
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:51,868
Have a good time,
Dad.
101
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:54,234
Uh, not so fast,
Dan'l Jr.
102
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:56,367
See, if I'm a-goin',
you're a-goin'.
103
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,033
The only difference is...
104
00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,033
I'm a-comin' back.
105
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:09,601
Ah, the great outdoors.
106
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:11,434
This is camping.
107
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:13,000
Isn't this great?
108
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,434
Just smell that air.
109
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,467
I was markin'
our territory.
110
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,467
I'm glad you're
in a jovial mood.
111
00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:37,734
You fall asleep
at the wheel,
112
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:39,434
you roll the van,
you lose our supplies,
113
00:06:39,434 --> 00:06:41,801
and, thanks to you,
we're gonna die.
114
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:43,801
I want my mommy.
115
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:46,701
Yeah, so does
your dad's brother.
116
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:56,133
Al, that is not the way
to keep a child's spirits up.
117
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:57,701
You have
to keep children busy.
118
00:06:57,701 --> 00:07:00,234
Involve them
with something.
119
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:03,701
Okay, kids...
with me, right here.
120
00:07:06,868 --> 00:07:08,868
Help!
121
00:07:08,868 --> 00:07:11,033
ALL:
Help!
122
00:07:11,033 --> 00:07:13,200
Help!
123
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,701
[SIGHS]
124
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,033
Isn't this nice?
125
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,834
The whole house
to ourselves.
126
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:20,801
Wish it could
always be like this.
127
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:24,667
No noses to wipe,
no tears to dry,
128
00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:27,100
no one to send
to their rooms.
129
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:30,501
It is so nice
without Al.
130
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:35,334
Mrs. Rhoades,
you look lovely tonight.
131
00:07:35,334 --> 00:07:36,734
Why, thank you, dear.
132
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:41,100
Can you give me $175
so I can go to a rock concert?
133
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:45,801
I wouldn't give
my own daughter $175.
134
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:49,167
Hopefully I'll like her.
135
00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:53,400
Kelly, how many times
have I told you?
136
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,701
Mommy's friends are
to loan Mommy money.
137
00:07:57,701 --> 00:07:59,567
My life is over.
138
00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:02,167
I might as well
be her.
139
00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:06,300
Oh, honey, just do
what I used to do.
140
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,701
Push your way
to the limo
141
00:08:07,701 --> 00:08:09,200
and tell
the road manager,
142
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,033
"It's worth letting
me in, ask anybody."
143
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:15,968
Then if anybody
touches you,
144
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:18,067
scream, "Jailbait!"
145
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:20,601
Kids today.
146
00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:24,801
I cannot wait
till the girls get here.
147
00:08:24,801 --> 00:08:26,534
I remember
my mother used to have
148
00:08:26,534 --> 00:08:28,734
her friends over
to play cards.
149
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,534
She'd put out the food.
150
00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:32,400
I'd serve it.
151
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,901
But I didn't mind.
152
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,901
I just loved listening
to them talk about...
153
00:08:36,901 --> 00:08:39,000
how I'd never grow breasts...
154
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:44,667
...how I'd never get a guy...
155
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:47,901
how my pelvis didn't stand
a chance during childbirth.
156
00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:51,968
Then they'd all laugh.
157
00:08:51,968 --> 00:08:53,667
After the rum cake kicked in,
158
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:57,834
Mom would pretend
to lose me to Mrs. Hampe,
159
00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:01,100
the woman that could
never stop sweating.
160
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,701
Yes, well, it was
traumatic then,
161
00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:05,467
but looking back
on it now,
162
00:09:05,467 --> 00:09:07,200
I realize...
163
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,200
God, I hate
my mother.
164
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
165
00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:17,701
Uh...that's probably
Louise and Fern.
166
00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:19,267
Just breathe into a bag
for a minute.
167
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,200
I'll get the door.
168
00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:24,534
Oh.
169
00:09:24,534 --> 00:09:25,868
Hi!
170
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:28,267
Girl, did you see that
new checker at the mini-mart?
171
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,534
Woo!
172
00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:31,968
He can work his way
through this college.
173
00:09:33,334 --> 00:09:35,100
Pick a place
and park it.
174
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,501
The night is young,
the men are gone,
175
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:41,100
the game is poker,
and the only thing wild is me.
176
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:44,234
Kelly, you wanna join us?
177
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:46,334
Sure, why not?
178
00:09:46,334 --> 00:09:48,901
Look what my life has become.
179
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:51,267
Playing cards
with a bunch of sea hags.
180
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,467
You've all lost weight.
181
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:56,467
Oh!
Oh!
182
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:57,701
So glad
you noticed.
183
00:09:57,701 --> 00:09:59,400
Have you ever
played before?
184
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,834
Just with
the guys.
185
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:01,834
Well, ante up.
186
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:15,334
I-I see you play
how we youngsters play...
187
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:17,434
With our clothes on.
188
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:20,534
Actually, honey,
we play for money.
189
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:21,667
Well, then,
count me out.
190
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,801
I have to save
my money for--
191
00:10:23,801 --> 00:10:26,701
[MONEY RUSTLING]
192
00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:28,901
Well, maybe
just one hand.
193
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:31,834
Okay, great.
194
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:33,367
Now, who's got change
for a dollar?
195
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,534
I wanna cash
Al's paycheck.
196
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,200
Fire's lit.
197
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,901
Tell us
a scary story, Dan'l.
198
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:46,267
Okey-dokey.
199
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:47,300
[CHUCKLES]
200
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,167
Kids, gather round
the flashlight.
201
00:10:52,801 --> 00:10:54,000
Now...
202
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:58,067
Once upon a time,
there was a young boy,
203
00:10:58,067 --> 00:11:00,934
a boy full of hope.
204
00:11:00,934 --> 00:11:03,167
He was single...
205
00:11:03,167 --> 00:11:05,601
thus he was happy.
206
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:09,133
Then one night,
much like tonight,
207
00:11:09,133 --> 00:11:12,934
something rose
from the swamp.
208
00:11:12,934 --> 00:11:15,033
He heard a noise behind him.
209
00:11:15,033 --> 00:11:17,434
Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.
210
00:11:17,434 --> 00:11:18,567
He walked a little faster.
211
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:20,968
Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.
212
00:11:20,968 --> 00:11:22,367
Then he saw it.
213
00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:25,934
And there,
in the light of a bar,
214
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,801
stood the evil...
215
00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:30,501
redheaded...
216
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:33,434
high-heeled spandex monster.
217
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,667
He ran from it.
218
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,334
He stood it up,
he dated others,
219
00:11:43,334 --> 00:11:47,300
but nothing could stop it!
220
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,167
He could hear its wild call...
221
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,167
[EFFEMINATELY]
"Oh, honey?
222
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:55,000
Honey."
223
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,133
It was horrible.
224
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,567
Finally...it trapped him.
225
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:01,801
Opened--
Opened its hideous mouth,
226
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:04,234
bared its fangs, and said...
227
00:12:04,234 --> 00:12:07,133
[EFFEMINATELY]
"Marry me?"
228
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,601
And did
he marry it, Dan'l?
229
00:12:10,601 --> 00:12:13,300
Yes, I'm afraid he did.
230
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:17,067
And he was never
heard from again.
231
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,701
But the worst of it is...
232
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:23,300
there's still
some of them out there.
233
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,033
There might be one
behind that tree!
234
00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:26,000
[CAMPERS SCREAM]
235
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,901
Then again,
there might not be.
236
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:34,100
But beware.
237
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,534
Wherever a man is free...
238
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:40,300
and has change in his pockets,
239
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:44,534
they'll come a-creepin',
and they can't be stopped.
240
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:46,934
Now sleep...
241
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,467
if you can.
242
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,667
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
243
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:53,934
Wow.
244
00:12:53,934 --> 00:12:55,334
Some story,
huh, kids?
245
00:12:55,334 --> 00:12:56,701
Yeah.
246
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:59,734
Now, join me
in a little song we learned
247
00:12:59,734 --> 00:13:03,834
when I was a lad
at camp Skoharry.
248
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:08,701
* Alas, my love
You do me wrong *
249
00:13:08,701 --> 00:13:14,734
* To cast me out
Discourteously *
250
00:13:14,734 --> 00:13:20,801
* For I have
Loved you so long *
251
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:24,834
So this is
how it ends, eh, Dad?
252
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:26,601
* Greensleeves *
253
00:13:26,601 --> 00:13:28,167
Steve,
could you shut up?
254
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:31,767
Al, I'm trying
to get these kids' minds
255
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:35,100
off the fact
that they are going to die.
256
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,100
* Greensleeves *
257
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,834
It's gonna be okay.
258
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:40,033
See, your mother hasn't
heard from us for a while.
259
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:42,000
So, she thinks
we're havin' a good time.
260
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,767
Ergo, she has to stop it.
261
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:47,601
So she's probably on the phone
to the state troopers by now.
262
00:13:51,467 --> 00:13:53,734
Peggy, did you know
your phone is off the hook?
263
00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:55,701
What if our husbands
wanna call us?
264
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,434
That's why
it's off the hook.
265
00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:02,033
Gimme a chance.
I'll guess the name of the leaf.
266
00:14:02,033 --> 00:14:03,400
[SNIFFS]
267
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,100
Ah, smells familiar.
268
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:09,367
Hmm, jagged edges.
269
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,734
Ah! I'm sure I know this.
270
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:13,834
Maybe tasting it
would help.
271
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,200
Nope, I'm stumped.
What is it?
272
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,033
Poison oak! Poison oak!
273
00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:23,367
[CAMPERS LAUGH]
274
00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:27,334
[CHUCKLES]
275
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,734
Ah, that was
a good one, guys.
276
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:33,067
Well, when Uncle Steve
gets done
277
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:35,901
bathing his body
and tongue in the stream,
278
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,734
he'll hurry back
and teach you all
279
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:39,901
how to play tree-diving.
280
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:45,968
Bundy,
you stink.
281
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,701
We're
starving.
282
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:49,501
Dad, I had
a date tonight
283
00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:51,567
with a girl
they call Ever Ready.
284
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,167
Now, why haven't the women
come to save us?
285
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:57,133
I don't know.
Maybe they can't find us.
286
00:14:57,133 --> 00:15:00,067
Maybe there's
a white sale someplace.
287
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,834
All right, look, kids, you're
old enough to know the truth.
288
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:04,701
They left us here to rot.
289
00:15:04,701 --> 00:15:06,334
But don't worry...
290
00:15:06,334 --> 00:15:07,968
we've got a secret weapon.
291
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:11,100
STEVE:
Owl in my hair!
Owl in my hair!
292
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,234
It's not him, is it?
293
00:15:14,234 --> 00:15:16,267
No! No, it's Buck.
294
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,234
See, we'll send Buck home
with a note
295
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,601
telling the women
where we are,
296
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:20,734
and we'll be saved.
297
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,901
Do you think
Buck can do it?
298
00:15:22,901 --> 00:15:24,267
I know he can.
299
00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:26,467
'Cause I've dropped him off
in every part of town,
300
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,534
he always
finds his way home.
301
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:29,934
Hey, Buck,
take this note.
302
00:15:29,934 --> 00:15:30,934
Go find Mommy.
303
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:31,934
Run, boy!
304
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:33,000
Run like
the wind!
305
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,834
CAMPERS:
Go, go, go, go!
306
00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:38,734
I think if we keep
our wits about us,
307
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:40,100
we'll all come out
of this okay.
308
00:15:42,534 --> 00:15:43,601
Bees!
309
00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:49,267
Full house.
310
00:15:49,267 --> 00:15:50,767
Read 'em and weep.
311
00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:54,300
All I've got
is four ones.
312
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,234
Those are aces,
honey.
313
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:02,667
You mean
I win again?
314
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,767
I guess I'll never
get this game right.
315
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,701
Four ones.
316
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,501
Four ones?
317
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:12,400
That's the seventh hand
in a row
318
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,334
she's gotten four ones.
319
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,801
Are you calling
my daughter a cheat?
320
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:19,934
Well, where I come from,
if it walks like a cheat,
321
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,000
quacks like a cheat,
322
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,100
we string it up
like a cheat.
323
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:26,000
Marcie,
think about it.
324
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,667
If my daughter
were a cheat,
325
00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:30,901
she wouldn't be
failing high school.
326
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:33,133
Thanks, Mom.
327
00:16:33,133 --> 00:16:35,868
All right, ladies.
This time, kings are wild.
328
00:16:35,868 --> 00:16:38,234
Just deal, girlie.
329
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:46,133
Do you think
the guys are okay?
330
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,501
Oh, I'm sure
they're fine.
331
00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:48,901
They're with
my Steve.
332
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,567
He was practically
born in the woods.
333
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:59,100
Put thome more mud
on my tongue, pleathe.
334
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,834
The poithon oak
ith really kicking in.
335
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,901
Vewy thoothing.
336
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:11,801
Okay,
kids.
337
00:17:11,801 --> 00:17:15,267
If we get out of this alive,
what are we going to do?
338
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,400
Victor?
339
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,734
Never marry.
340
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:20,868
That's right.
341
00:17:20,868 --> 00:17:23,267
So remember, kids,
when you meet a woman,
342
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:25,334
no matter how nice she is
or what she looks like,
343
00:17:25,334 --> 00:17:26,701
remember...
344
00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:30,033
women get worse.
345
00:17:30,033 --> 00:17:31,968
They get...
346
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,501
Older.
347
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:34,968
Meaner.
348
00:17:34,968 --> 00:17:37,868
Fatter?
349
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:40,701
Leth compathonate.
350
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:42,601
AL:
Very good.
351
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:46,801
Bud,
how's Steve doing?
352
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,267
He's doin' great,
Dad.
353
00:17:53,033 --> 00:17:54,033
Who are
we kidding?
354
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:55,467
He's a goner.
355
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,868
I say we put
rocks in his pockets
356
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:58,200
and roll him
into the river.
357
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:04,434
Hey, that's good buzzard bait
you're throwin' away there.
358
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:06,567
Ah, what am I sayin'?
359
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:10,200
Buck the Wonder Dog
will save the day.
360
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,100
[***]
361
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:21,801
[GROANS]
362
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,434
What's wrong
with Mr. Rhoades?
363
00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:29,000
He's dying, Victor.
364
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:37,567
Thus dies
the house of Agamemnon.
365
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:40,133
[PIRATE ACCENT]
Tie him to the yardarm,
Mr. Christian!
366
00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:41,801
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
367
00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:44,868
[ENGLISH ACCENT]
Oh, look, Father,
I sat in something icky.
368
00:18:50,334 --> 00:18:52,934
Should I get
a club, Dad?
369
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:55,868
Nah, at least watchin' him
gives us somethin' to do.
370
00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:58,300
[STEVE GAGGING]
371
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,567
Oh, cool,
he's foaming again.
372
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,400
Enjoy it while you can,
'cause help is on the way.
373
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,467
Come on, Buck.
374
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:10,267
ALL [CHANTING]:
Come on, Buck!
375
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:11,267
Tha ba, ga.
376
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:12,400
ALL:
Come on, Buck!
377
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:13,734
Ah guh, buh.
378
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:15,234
ALL:
Come on, Buck!
379
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,701
[***]
380
00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:35,868
Yes, I'm going to
the Oozing Meat concert,
381
00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:39,300
and I would like
a stretch limo.
382
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,200
Oh, and have some lobster
back there for me.
383
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,601
Gettin' backstage
is hungry work, you know.
384
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,334
That was fun,
wasn't it?
385
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:49,033
Yeah, great.
Filthy little cheat!
386
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:52,567
I lost
my grocery money.
387
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:53,801
Me too.
388
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,834
My husband's
gonna go nuts.
389
00:19:55,834 --> 00:19:57,067
Oh, don't worry.
390
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:59,000
Just tell him
you've got PMS,
391
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,100
and you'll kill him.
392
00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:06,767
Honey...
393
00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:09,300
I didn't wanna say anything
while the girls were here,
394
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,801
but I saw you cheating.
395
00:20:10,801 --> 00:20:12,934
Now, you know
what you have to do.
396
00:20:13,868 --> 00:20:15,334
Yes, Mommy.
397
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:16,367
[SIGHS]
398
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:19,000
The usual 50 percent?
399
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,300
Let's make it 60,
400
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,634
just to teach you
a lesson.
401
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,534
[DOG HOWLS]
402
00:20:27,534 --> 00:20:30,000
Kelly, can't your dates
just honk the horn
403
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,567
like they did in my day?
404
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:38,534
Oh, it's Buck.
405
00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:39,901
I thought he went
with the guys.
406
00:20:39,901 --> 00:20:41,667
Well, I guess not.
407
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,501
Oh, look, he's got
something in his mouth.
408
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,767
[GROWLS]
Oh!
409
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,033
Well...
410
00:20:48,033 --> 00:20:50,234
Guess he'll give it to us
when he's ready.
411
00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:51,167
Yeah.
412
00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:59,501
[MOANING]
413
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:06,501
Can't we
shut him up?
414
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:07,667
We need him, Bud.
415
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,767
He's keepin'
the animals away.
416
00:21:11,968 --> 00:21:13,667
Don't worry
about it.
417
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:15,501
Buck's gonna
save us.
418
00:21:15,501 --> 00:21:17,334
Believe me.
419
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:19,868
I ought
to know, I...
420
00:21:19,868 --> 00:21:21,934
[WEAKLY]
I trained him.
421
00:21:27,901 --> 00:21:31,133
[MOANING]
422
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,968
[***]1
00:00:03,501 --> 00:00:05,734
[***]
2
00:01:14,334 --> 00:01:17,367
Honey, just how long
are you gonna be home for?
3
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:22,834
Two glorious,
foot-picking days.
4
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:25,499
Well,
pace yourself, dear.
5
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:27,098
You know, if you pick
too much today,
6
00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:29,801
you'll have nothing left
to pick tomorrow.
7
00:01:29,836 --> 00:01:31,365
And you know
how we all look forward
8
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,065
to your annual ear,
nose and tooth medley.
9
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:38,566
You know, it's a shame
you don't have another arm.
10
00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:42,033
Then you could just sorta
get 'em all goin' at once.
11
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:43,767
You know, Peg,
if you'd wash my socks,
12
00:01:43,802 --> 00:01:46,267
they might not adhere
to my feet.
13
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,567
Great, Dad.
14
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,200
[QUIETLY]
Thanks for the great time.
15
00:01:58,801 --> 00:01:59,901
Oh,
Daddy.
16
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:01,833
You're home.
17
00:02:01,868 --> 00:02:03,432
I, um...
I got up early
18
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:06,000
so I could get you
theSunday paper.
19
00:02:06,035 --> 00:02:07,100
Where is it?
20
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:09,634
Where's what?
21
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,065
Gee, Kel.
22
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:13,466
You're wearin'
the same dress
23
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,165
you wore out for
your date last night.
24
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,968
How does it keep its shape in
the glove compartment of a car?
25
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,267
Oh, go kiss
your Stridex pad.
26
00:02:28,302 --> 00:02:29,732
Now,
wait a minute.
27
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:32,033
Is everybody
gonna be home today?
28
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,165
Not me.
29
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,267
I've gotta get some money
for tickets
30
00:02:35,302 --> 00:02:37,018
to the Oozing Meat concert
tomorrow.
31
00:02:37,053 --> 00:02:38,699
So I've gotta
roll up my sleeves
32
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:41,432
and work really hard
to get this money.
33
00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:43,834
[WEEPING] Oh, Daddy, can
I have the money, please?!
34
00:02:43,869 --> 00:02:46,334
All the kids are going,
and it's only $175!
35
00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:52,234
[WEEPING] Then I'm afraid
that you can't go, pumpkin!
36
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:56,150
Mommy, can I have the money?
37
00:02:56,185 --> 00:02:57,699
All the kids
are going.
38
00:02:57,734 --> 00:03:00,933
Crying only works
on men, dear.
39
00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:04,332
Well, there aren't
any more in the room.
40
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:06,501
Oh, I gotta get that money,
but I don't know how.
41
00:03:06,536 --> 00:03:07,767
Ugh,
my head hurts.
42
00:03:07,802 --> 00:03:09,734
I have to rest.
43
00:03:09,769 --> 00:03:10,767
[SIGHS]
44
00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:14,432
Come on, Kel.
45
00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:18,100
Just do like I do:
Use your wits.
46
00:03:18,135 --> 00:03:19,899
I do.
47
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:22,501
I said "wits. "
48
00:03:27,734 --> 00:03:30,000
With a W.
49
00:03:31,133 --> 00:03:33,534
Mommy, he's spelling
at me again.
50
00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:37,365
Stop taxing
your sister, Bud.
51
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,367
I don't know what you're
so happy about, warthog.
52
00:03:40,402 --> 00:03:42,701
You need money
for tickets too.
53
00:03:42,736 --> 00:03:45,000
Au contraire,
boy-go-round.
54
00:03:45,035 --> 00:03:46,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
55
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:48,734
I have my ticket.
56
00:03:48,769 --> 00:03:49,767
How?
57
00:03:50,968 --> 00:03:52,165
Hello,
Mr. Bundy.
58
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,200
We're ready
to go camping.
59
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,200
Well,
have a good time.
60
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,434
[DOORBELL RINGS]
61
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:04,532
What now?
62
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,300
You're taking us
camping, Bundy.
63
00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:07,265
We own you.
64
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:08,501
We bought you
in an auction.
65
00:04:08,536 --> 00:04:09,434
See?
66
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,801
"Go a-campin' and a-trappin'
with Al Dan'I Bundy"?
67
00:04:16,836 --> 00:04:18,501
Bud, did you sell your dad?
68
00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:23,968
Well, you were the only thing
in this house we could spare.
69
00:04:24,003 --> 00:04:26,100
Honey, this will be great
for the kids.
70
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:27,667
A- campin' and a-trappin',
71
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,200
a- pickin' and a-flickin'.
72
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:33,767
You know, you can have
a toe jamboree.
73
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:36,566
Hey, Al.
74
00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:38,933
Well, hi, there,
neighborhood tykes.
75
00:04:38,968 --> 00:04:43,667
Hey, it's the guy who gives us
potatoes on Halloween.
76
00:04:43,702 --> 00:04:46,265
Steve,
look what Bud did.
77
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:49,467
"Wilderness man and trapper.
Learn how to survive. "
78
00:04:49,502 --> 00:04:51,934
Bundy's tryin' to weasel
out of the deal.
79
00:04:51,969 --> 00:04:54,218
How can you disappoint
these kids, Al?
80
00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:56,467
Look at their innocent
little faces.
81
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,566
Tell you what.
82
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,100
I'll take ya,
little fellas.
83
00:05:04,135 --> 00:05:05,466
ALL:
Yeah!
84
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:08,667
But you're not the great-great-
grandson of Dan'I Bundy.
85
00:05:08,702 --> 00:05:09,998
That's true.
86
00:05:10,033 --> 00:05:12,834
My ancestors
could read and write.
87
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,632
Aw, come on, Al.
88
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:19,300
If you trap too many b'ars
to carry home, I'll help ya.
89
00:05:19,335 --> 00:05:22,799
I would rather slam
my nose in a car door.
90
00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:26,234
I would rather have
a proctologist named Dr. Hook.
91
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:30,517
I would rather watch
Roseanne Barr do a striptease
92
00:05:30,552 --> 00:05:33,467
than take these little
booger-machines camping.
93
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,883
Well, good, honey.
Then we can spend
94
00:05:36,918 --> 00:05:39,200
the whole day
together snuggling.
95
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,165
Up, campers!
96
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,667
Let's go get us
some gear,
97
00:05:44,702 --> 00:05:45,632
chip in for gas,
98
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,267
and get me
the hell outta here.
99
00:05:47,302 --> 00:05:49,067
[CAMPERS CHEER]
100
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,400
Have a good time,
Dad.
101
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,199
Uh, not so fast,
Dan'I Jr.
102
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:56,367
See, if I'm a-goin',
you're a-goin'.
103
00:05:56,402 --> 00:05:58,033
The only difference is...
104
00:05:58,068 --> 00:06:00,033
I'm a-comin' back.
105
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:08,701
Ah, the great outdoors.
106
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:11,434
This is camping.
107
00:06:11,469 --> 00:06:12,951
Isn't this great?
108
00:06:12,986 --> 00:06:14,434
Just smell that air.
109
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,467
I was markin'
our territory.
110
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,017
I'm glad you're
in a jovial mood.
111
00:06:36,052 --> 00:06:37,699
You fall asleep
at the wheel,
112
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:39,767
you roll the van,
you lose our supplies,
113
00:06:39,802 --> 00:06:41,801
and, thanks to you,
we're gonna die.
114
00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:43,766
I want my mommy.
115
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:46,701
Yeah, so does
your dad's brother.
116
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:56,133
Al, that is not the way
to keep a child's spirits up.
117
00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:58,201
You have
to keep children busy.
118
00:06:58,236 --> 00:07:00,199
Involve them
with something.
119
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:03,701
Okay, kids...
with me, right here.
120
00:07:06,868 --> 00:07:08,833
Help!
121
00:07:08,868 --> 00:07:11,033
ALL:
Help!
122
00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:12,884
Help!
123
00:07:12,919 --> 00:07:14,666
[SIGHS]
124
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:15,998
Isn't this nice?
125
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,799
The whole house
to ourselves.
126
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:21,750
Wish it could
always be like this.
127
00:07:21,785 --> 00:07:24,442
No noses to wipe,
no tears to dry,
128
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,100
no one to send
to their rooms.
129
00:07:27,135 --> 00:07:30,501
It is so nice
without Al.
130
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:35,334
Mrs. Rhoades,
you look lovely tonight.
131
00:07:35,369 --> 00:07:36,699
Why, thank you, dear.
132
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:41,100
Can you give me $175
so I can go to a rock concert?
133
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:45,801
I wouldn't give
my own daughter $175.
134
00:07:45,836 --> 00:07:49,167
Hopefully I'll like her.
135
00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:54,167
Kelly, how many times
have I told you?
136
00:07:54,202 --> 00:07:57,701
Mommy's friends are
to loan Mommy money.
137
00:07:57,736 --> 00:07:59,532
My life is over.
138
00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:02,132
I might as well
be her.
139
00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:06,300
Oh, honey, just do
what I used to do.
140
00:08:06,335 --> 00:08:07,767
Push your way
to the limo
141
00:08:07,802 --> 00:08:09,165
and tell
the road manager,
142
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,033
"It's worth letting
me in, ask anybody. "
143
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:15,968
Then if anybody
touches you,
144
00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:18,067
scream, "Jailbait!"
145
00:08:18,102 --> 00:08:20,601
Kids today.
146
00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:24,801
I cannot wait
till the girls get here.
147
00:08:24,836 --> 00:08:26,785
I remember
my mother used to have
148
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:28,734
her friends over
to play cards.
149
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,534
She'd put out the food.
150
00:08:30,569 --> 00:08:32,365
I'd serve it.
151
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,866
But I didn't mind.
152
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,901
I just loved listening
to them talk about...
153
00:08:36,936 --> 00:08:39,000
how I'd never grow breasts...
154
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:44,632
...how I'd never get a guy...
155
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:47,901
how my pelvis didn't stand
a chance during childbirth.
156
00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:51,933
Then they'd all laugh.
157
00:08:51,968 --> 00:08:53,632
After the rum cake kicked in,
158
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:57,383
Mom would pretend
to lose me to Mrs. Hampe,
159
00:08:57,418 --> 00:09:01,100
the woman that could
never stop sweating.
160
00:09:01,135 --> 00:09:03,701
Yes, well, it was
traumatic then,
161
00:09:03,736 --> 00:09:05,467
but looking back
on it now,
162
00:09:05,502 --> 00:09:07,165
I realize...
163
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,200
God, I hate
my mother.
164
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,199
[DOORBELL RINGS]
165
00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:16,750
Uh... that's probably
Louise and Fern.
166
00:09:16,785 --> 00:09:19,267
Just breathe into a bag
for a minute.
167
00:09:19,302 --> 00:09:20,200
I'll get the door.
168
00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:24,301
Oh.
169
00:09:24,336 --> 00:09:25,833
Hi!
170
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:28,267
Girl, did you see that
new checker at the mini-mart?
171
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:29,499
Woo!
172
00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:31,968
He can work his way
through this college.
173
00:09:33,334 --> 00:09:35,065
Pick a place
and park it.
174
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,466
The night is young,
the men are gone,
175
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:41,100
the game is poker,
and the only thing wild is me.
176
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:44,234
Kelly, you wanna join us?
177
00:09:44,269 --> 00:09:46,299
Sure, why not?
178
00:09:46,334 --> 00:09:48,866
Look what my life has become.
179
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:51,267
Playing cards
with a bunch of sea hags.
180
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,467
You've all lost weight.
181
00:09:55,502 --> 00:09:56,432
Oh!
Oh!
182
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:57,666
So glad
you noticed.
183
00:09:57,701 --> 00:09:59,400
Have you ever
played before?
184
00:09:59,435 --> 00:10:00,834
Just with
the guys.
185
00:10:00,869 --> 00:10:01,834
Well, ante up.
186
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:15,334
I- I see you play
how we youngsters play...
187
00:10:15,369 --> 00:10:17,399
With our clothes on.
188
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:20,534
Actually, honey,
we play for money.
189
00:10:20,569 --> 00:10:22,185
Well, then,
count me out.
190
00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:23,801
I have to save
my money for...
191
00:10:23,836 --> 00:10:26,666
[MONEY RUSTLING]
192
00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:28,901
Well, maybe
just one hand.
193
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:31,799
Okay, great.
194
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:33,367
Now, who's got change
for a dollar?
195
00:10:33,402 --> 00:10:35,534
I wanna cash
Al's paycheck.
196
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,200
Fire's lit.
197
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,901
Tell us
a scary story, Dan'I.
198
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,118
Okey-dokey.
199
00:10:46,153 --> 00:10:47,265
[CHUCKLES]
200
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,167
Kids, gather round
the flashlight.
201
00:10:52,801 --> 00:10:54,000
Now...
202
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:58,067
Once upon a time,
there was a young boy,
203
00:10:58,102 --> 00:11:00,634
a boy full of hope.
204
00:11:00,669 --> 00:11:03,135
He was single...
205
00:11:03,170 --> 00:11:05,566
thus he was happy.
206
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:09,267
Then one night,
much like tonight,
207
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:12,167
something rose
from the swamp.
208
00:11:12,202 --> 00:11:14,818
He heard a noise behind him.
209
00:11:14,853 --> 00:11:16,710
Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.
210
00:11:16,745 --> 00:11:18,856
He walked a little faster.
211
00:11:18,891 --> 00:11:20,968
Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.
212
00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:22,332
Then he saw it.
213
00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:25,934
And there,
in the light of a bar,
214
00:11:25,969 --> 00:11:27,801
stood the evil...
215
00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,466
redheaded...
216
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:33,434
high-heeled spandex monster.
217
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,632
He ran from it.
218
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,334
He stood it up,
he dated others,
219
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,768
but nothing could stop it!
220
00:11:46,803 --> 00:11:49,985
He could hear its wild call...
221
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:53,167
[EFFEMINATELY]
"Oh, honey?
222
00:11:53,202 --> 00:11:54,965
Honey. "
223
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,098
It was horrible.
224
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,532
Finally... it trapped him.
225
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:01,801
Opened...
Opened its hideous mouth,
226
00:12:01,836 --> 00:12:04,484
bared its fangs, and said...
227
00:12:04,519 --> 00:12:07,133
[EFFEMINATELY]
"Marry me?"
228
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,601
And did
he marry it, Dan'I?
229
00:12:10,636 --> 00:12:13,265
Yes, I'm afraid he did.
230
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:17,067
And he was never
heard from again.
231
00:12:17,102 --> 00:12:19,666
But the worst of it is...
232
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:22,367
there's still
some of them out there.
233
00:12:22,402 --> 00:12:25,033
There might be one
behind that tree!
234
00:12:25,068 --> 00:12:26,000
[CAMPERS SCREAM]
235
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,901
Then again,
there might not be.
236
00:12:31,936 --> 00:12:34,065
But beware.
237
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,499
Wherever a man is free...
238
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:40,265
and has change in his pockets,
239
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:44,534
they'll come a-creepin',
and they can't be stopped.
240
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:46,850
Now sleep...
241
00:12:46,885 --> 00:12:48,776
if you can.
242
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,667
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
243
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:53,899
Wow.
244
00:12:53,934 --> 00:12:55,334
Some story,
huh, kids?
245
00:12:55,369 --> 00:12:56,666
Yeah.
246
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:59,734
Now, join me
in a little song we learned
247
00:12:59,769 --> 00:13:04,235
when I was a lad
at camp Skoharry.
248
00:13:04,270 --> 00:13:09,502
* Alas, my love
You do me wrong *
249
00:13:09,537 --> 00:13:15,169
* To cast me out
Discourteously *
250
00:13:15,204 --> 00:13:20,019
* For I have
Loved you so long *
251
00:13:20,054 --> 00:13:24,834
So this is
how it ends, eh, Dad?
252
00:13:24,869 --> 00:13:26,566
* Greensleeves *
253
00:13:26,601 --> 00:13:28,167
Steve,
could you shut up?
254
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:32,417
Al, I'm trying
to get these kids' minds
255
00:13:32,452 --> 00:13:35,100
off the fact
that they are going to die.
256
00:13:35,135 --> 00:13:36,484
* Greensleeves *
257
00:13:36,519 --> 00:13:37,799
It's gonna be okay.
258
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:40,033
See, your mother hasn't
heard from us for a while.
259
00:13:40,068 --> 00:13:42,000
So, she thinks
we're havin' a good time.
260
00:13:42,035 --> 00:13:44,732
Ergo, she has to stop it.
261
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:47,601
So she's probably on the phone
to the state troopers by now.
262
00:13:51,467 --> 00:13:53,734
Peggy, did you know
your phone is off the hook?
263
00:13:53,769 --> 00:13:55,701
What if our husbands
wanna call us?
264
00:13:55,736 --> 00:13:57,434
That's why
it's off the hook.
265
00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:02,033
Gimme a chance.
I'll guess the name of the leaf.
266
00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:03,365
[SNIFFS]
267
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,100
Ah, smells familiar.
268
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:09,332
Hmm, jagged edges.
269
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,600
Ah! I'm sure I know this.
270
00:14:11,635 --> 00:14:13,834
Maybe tasting it
would help.
271
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,116
Nope, I'm stumped.
What is it?
272
00:14:19,151 --> 00:14:21,033
Poison oak! Poison oak!
273
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,367
[CAMPERS LAUGH]
274
00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:27,299
[CHUCKLES]
275
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,200
Ah, that was
a good one, guys.
276
00:14:30,235 --> 00:14:33,032
Well, when Uncle Steve
gets done
277
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:35,901
bathing his body
and tongue in the stream,
278
00:14:35,936 --> 00:14:37,734
he'll hurry back
and teach you all
279
00:14:37,769 --> 00:14:39,901
how to play tree-diving.
280
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:44,984
Bundy,
you stink.
281
00:14:45,019 --> 00:14:47,666
We're
starving.
282
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:49,466
Dad, I had
a date tonight
283
00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:51,567
with a girl
they call Ever Ready.
284
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,200
Now, why haven't the women
come to save us?
285
00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:57,651
I don't know.
Maybe they can't find us.
286
00:14:57,686 --> 00:15:00,032
Maybe there's
a white sale someplace.
287
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,834
All right, look, kids, you're
old enough to know the truth.
288
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:04,701
They left us here to rot.
289
00:15:04,736 --> 00:15:06,299
But don't worry...
290
00:15:06,334 --> 00:15:07,933
we've got a secret weapon.
291
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:11,100
STEVE: Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!
292
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,333
It's not him, is it?
293
00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:16,232
No! No, it's Buck.
294
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,234
See, we'll send Buck home
with a note
295
00:15:18,269 --> 00:15:19,601
telling the women
where we are,
296
00:15:19,636 --> 00:15:20,734
and we'll be saved.
297
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,901
Do you think
Buck can do it?
298
00:15:22,936 --> 00:15:24,232
I know he can.
299
00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:26,467
'Cause I've dropped him off
in every part of town,
300
00:15:26,502 --> 00:15:28,218
he always
finds his way home.
301
00:15:28,253 --> 00:15:29,934
Hey, Buck,
take this note.
302
00:15:29,969 --> 00:15:30,934
Go find Mommy.
303
00:15:30,969 --> 00:15:31,899
Run, boy!
304
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:32,965
Run like
the wind!
305
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,834
CAMPERS:
Go, go, go, go!
306
00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:38,734
I think if we keep
our wits about us,
307
00:15:38,769 --> 00:15:40,100
we'll all come out
of this okay.
308
00:15:42,534 --> 00:15:43,601
Bees!
309
00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:49,232
Full house.
310
00:15:49,267 --> 00:15:50,767
Read 'em and weep.
311
00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:54,300
All I've got
is four ones.
312
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,033
Those are aces,
honey.
313
00:16:00,068 --> 00:16:02,632
You mean
I win again?
314
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,767
I guess I'll never
get this game right.
315
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,900
Four ones.
316
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,466
Four ones?
317
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:12,400
That's the seventh hand
in a row
318
00:16:12,435 --> 00:16:14,334
she's gotten four ones.
319
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,766
Are you calling
my daughter a cheat?
320
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:19,934
Well, where I come from,
if it walks like a cheat,
321
00:16:19,969 --> 00:16:20,965
quacks like a cheat,
322
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,100
we string it up
like a cheat.
323
00:16:24,135 --> 00:16:25,965
Marcie,
think about it.
324
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,632
If my daughter
were a cheat,
325
00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:30,901
she wouldn't be
failing high school.
326
00:16:30,936 --> 00:16:33,098
Thanks, Mom.
327
00:16:33,133 --> 00:16:35,868
All right, ladies.
This time, kings are wild.
328
00:16:35,903 --> 00:16:38,234
Just deal, girlie.
329
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:46,133
Do you think
the guys are okay?
330
00:16:46,168 --> 00:16:47,534
Oh, I'm sure
they're fine.
331
00:16:47,569 --> 00:16:48,866
They're with
my Steve.
332
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,567
He was practically
born in the woods.
333
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:58,684
Put thome more mud
on my tongue, pleathe.
334
00:16:58,719 --> 00:17:01,834
The poithon oak
ith really kicking in.
335
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,901
Vewy thoothing.
336
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:11,766
Okay,
kids.
337
00:17:11,801 --> 00:17:15,267
If we get out of this alive,
what are we going to do?
338
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,365
Victor?
339
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,634
Never marry.
340
00:17:18,669 --> 00:17:20,833
That's right.
341
00:17:20,868 --> 00:17:23,232
So remember, kids,
when you meet a woman,
342
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:25,334
no matter how nice she is
or what she looks like,
343
00:17:25,369 --> 00:17:26,666
remember...
344
00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:30,033
women get worse.
345
00:17:30,068 --> 00:17:31,968
They get...
346
00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:33,485
Older.
347
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,694
Meaner.
348
00:17:35,729 --> 00:17:37,833
Fatter?
349
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:40,234
Leth compathonate.
350
00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:42,601
AL:
Very good.
351
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:46,801
Bud,
how's Steve doing?
352
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,267
He's doin' great,
Dad.
353
00:17:53,033 --> 00:17:54,033
Who are
we kidding?
354
00:17:54,068 --> 00:17:55,432
He's a goner.
355
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,868
I say we put
rocks in his pockets
356
00:17:56,903 --> 00:17:58,200
and roll him
into the river.
357
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:04,434
Hey, that's good buzzard bait
you're throwin' away there.
358
00:18:04,469 --> 00:18:06,532
Ah, what am I sayin'?
359
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:10,200
Buck the Wonder Dog
will save the day.
360
00:18:10,235 --> 00:18:13,100
[***]
361
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:21,801
[GROANS]
362
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,434
What's wrong
with Mr. Rhoades?
363
00:18:26,469 --> 00:18:29,000
He's dying, Victor.
364
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:37,532
Thus dies
the house of Agamemnon.
365
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:40,133
[PIRATE ACCENT] Tie him to
the yardarm, Mr. Christian!
366
00:18:40,168 --> 00:18:41,766
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
367
00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:44,868
[ENGLISH ACCENT] Oh, look,
Father, I sat in something icky.
368
00:18:50,334 --> 00:18:52,899
Should I get
a club, Dad?
369
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:55,868
Nah, at least watchin' him
gives us somethin' to do.
370
00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:58,265
[STEVE GAGGING]
371
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,567
Oh, cool,
he's foaming again.
372
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,400
Enjoy it while you can,
'cause help is on the way.
373
00:19:06,435 --> 00:19:08,432
Come on, Buck.
374
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:10,267
ALL [CHANTING]:
Come on, Buck!
375
00:19:10,302 --> 00:19:11,232
Tha ba, ga.
376
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:12,400
ALL:
Come on, Buck!
377
00:19:12,435 --> 00:19:13,699
Ah guh, buh.
378
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:15,234
ALL:
Come on, Buck!
379
00:19:15,269 --> 00:19:17,701
[***]
380
00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:35,868
Yes, I'm going to
the Oozing Meat concert,
381
00:19:35,903 --> 00:19:39,265
and I would like
a stretch limo.
382
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,450
Oh, and have some lobster
back there for me.
383
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:45,601
Gettin' backstage
is hungry work, you know.
384
00:19:45,636 --> 00:19:47,299
That was fun,
wasn't it?
385
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:49,033
Yeah, great.
Filthy little cheat!
386
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:52,567
I lost
my grocery money.
387
00:19:52,602 --> 00:19:53,766
Me too.
388
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,834
My husband's
gonna go nuts.
389
00:19:55,869 --> 00:19:57,032
Oh, don't worry.
390
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:59,000
Just tell him
you've got PMS,
391
00:19:59,035 --> 00:20:01,100
and you'll kill him.
392
00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:06,732
Honey...
393
00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:09,300
I didn't wanna say anything
while the girls were here,
394
00:20:09,335 --> 00:20:10,766
but I saw you cheating.
395
00:20:10,801 --> 00:20:12,934
Now, you know
what you have to do.
396
00:20:13,868 --> 00:20:15,117
Yes, Mommy.
397
00:20:15,152 --> 00:20:16,332
[SIGHS]
398
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:19,000
The usual 50 percent?
399
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,265
Let's make it 60,
400
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,634
just to teach you
a lesson.
401
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,499
[DOG HOWLS]
402
00:20:27,534 --> 00:20:30,000
Kelly, can't your dates
just honk the horn
403
00:20:30,035 --> 00:20:31,567
like they did in my day?
404
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:38,499
Oh, it's Buck.
405
00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:39,901
I thought he went
with the guys.
406
00:20:39,936 --> 00:20:41,632
Well, I guess not.
407
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,501
Oh, look, he's got
something in his mouth.
408
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,767
[GROWLS]
Oh!
409
00:20:46,802 --> 00:20:47,998
Well...
410
00:20:48,033 --> 00:20:50,234
Guess he'll give it to us
when he's ready.
411
00:20:50,269 --> 00:20:51,167
Yeah.
412
00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:59,501
[MOANING]
413
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:06,501
Can't we
shut him up?
414
00:21:06,536 --> 00:21:07,632
We need him, Bud.
415
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,767
He's keepin'
the animals away.
416
00:21:11,968 --> 00:21:13,734
Don't worry
about it.
417
00:21:13,769 --> 00:21:15,501
Buck's gonna
save us.
418
00:21:15,536 --> 00:21:17,299
Believe me.
419
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:19,634
I ought
to know, I...
420
00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:21,934
[WEAKLY]
I trained him.
421
00:21:27,901 --> 00:21:31,133
[MOANING]
422
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,968
[***]1
00:00:03,167 --> 00:00:06,200
[***]
2
00:01:19,534 --> 00:01:22,968
Ah, home sweet hell.
3
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,100
MAN:
Hey, Bundy!
Home for supper?
4
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:34,734
Never say die, huh?
5
00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:36,167
[LAUGHS]
6
00:01:36,167 --> 00:01:39,767
MAN 2:
Hey, Bundy!
I had steak tonight.
7
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,701
What are you havin'?
8
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:45,767
If I was the mailman,
I'd be having your wife.
9
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:50,834
Don't worry
about me, Donnelly.
10
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:51,834
I'll have supper.
11
00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:55,133
I better have supper.
12
00:01:55,133 --> 00:01:57,334
Peg,
where's my supper?
13
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,734
[RINGING]
14
00:02:00,734 --> 00:02:02,567
Oh!
15
00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:07,033
Oh, God.
The idiot'll be home soon.
16
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:11,133
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
17
00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:13,400
Hi, idiot.
18
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,567
Peg, in the privacy
of our own home,
19
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:17,634
could you call me
Mr. Idiot?
20
00:02:17,634 --> 00:02:19,467
Peg, you're not gonna
bother me tonight,
21
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:20,634
because you know why?
22
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:23,400
I know you cooked me supper,
didn't ya?
23
00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:27,501
Dessert?
24
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,000
Oh, honey, what
do you want from me?
25
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,000
You're at work
10 hours a day.
26
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,167
Can't you find something
to eat in all that time?
27
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:42,067
God! This is a home,
not a restaurant.
28
00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:43,534
I know, Peg.
29
00:02:43,534 --> 00:02:47,234
If it was a restaurant,
we'd have a clean bathroom.
30
00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:49,234
Can't you be
like other husbands?
31
00:02:49,234 --> 00:02:51,300
Just come home,
go upstairs
32
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:54,834
and sit there
quietly till morning.
33
00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:55,968
Excuse me a second, Peg.
34
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:06,701
What's this? Beef stew?
Made from scratch?
35
00:03:09,434 --> 00:03:12,534
Whoa ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
What a wife!
36
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:17,200
Peg, I'm starving to death.
37
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,000
I can't live like this.
38
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,200
Now, I'm telling you,
Peg,
39
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,968
I want you to put
something in that oven,
40
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:24,467
either food or my head.
41
00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:26,901
Either way, the neighbors'll
smell something cookin'.
42
00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:29,133
Now, Peg, I'm making
a stand here. I'm not kidding.
43
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,834
I want a meal.
I want it now. Get it?
44
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:32,968
Huh?
45
00:03:32,968 --> 00:03:35,434
What'd you say, Al?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
46
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:37,868
Jeez, I don't know.
Just something
about me being a man.
47
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:39,534
It wasn't important.
48
00:03:41,868 --> 00:03:43,467
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
49
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,901
Kids, I'm glad you're home
because I'm taking a poll.
50
00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:48,133
Where are we
gonna put a pole?
51
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:51,701
Well, we can, uh,
put it in your head
52
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:55,567
so we have a place to hang
the sign that says "duh."
53
00:03:57,968 --> 00:03:59,167
Oh, thanks.
54
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:00,901
You wouldn't let me
get a nose earring,
55
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:02,968
but you're gonna put
a pole in my head?
56
00:04:06,868 --> 00:04:09,133
Peg, are you sure
you didn't have
a one-night stand
57
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:11,067
with Abbott and Costello?
58
00:04:14,467 --> 00:04:18,234
No. I'm a one-stooge
woman, honey.
59
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:20,367
All right, we're
going to have a vote.
60
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:21,868
I thought we were
gonna have a po--
61
00:04:21,868 --> 00:04:25,467
All in favor of having
your mother cook...
62
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,400
Three. Opposed?
63
00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:30,267
None.
64
00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:31,968
Well, that's it, Peg.
You're cookin'.
65
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:34,100
I don't care if it's
breakfast, lunch or dinner,
66
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,367
but I want it hot.
And I'll tell
you something else.
67
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:37,667
I want it on a plate.
68
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:43,300
Boy. If I'd known
it was gonna be like this...
69
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,634
Well, Peg, the neighbors
are laughing at me.
70
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:49,267
And everyone at school,
too, Dad.
71
00:04:49,267 --> 00:04:50,300
Well, that's it.
72
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:51,834
From now on,
this family is gonna be
73
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,501
like every other family
in America.
74
00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:55,200
Sometime this month
we're gonna eat!
75
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,534
Yes, food!
All right!
76
00:04:57,534 --> 00:04:59,934
Okay, I'll make
one meal.
77
00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:02,133
But it's not
gonna be good.
78
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:04,601
That's all we ask.
79
00:05:04,601 --> 00:05:05,734
Oh, Mom,
one more thing.
80
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:06,801
Oh.
81
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:10,834
You're spinning me
right into PMS.
82
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,300
It's the school nurse,
Mom.
83
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:14,701
She said it's time to get
our annual dental checkups.
84
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:15,767
Oh.
85
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:18,534
Okay. We'll make
an appointment.
86
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:22,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
87
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:23,667
Come in!
88
00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,133
What are you doing?
89
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:32,901
Ah, giving the kids
their dental checkups.
90
00:05:32,901 --> 00:05:35,701
Excellent, Bud,
as usual.
91
00:05:35,701 --> 00:05:38,133
Beautiful, Kelly.
Good girl.
92
00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:39,701
Okay, kids,
go on upstairs
93
00:05:39,701 --> 00:05:42,934
and we'll forge
your dental forms
in the morning.
94
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:45,734
Ah. Well,
that wasn't so bad.
95
00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:47,868
Yeah. Thank God we didn't
need tetanus shots.
96
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:49,300
Oh. I hate
that little pin.
97
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:50,434
Ugh! Ugh!
98
00:05:52,067 --> 00:05:54,901
Uh, excuse me,
but doesn't anybody know
99
00:05:54,901 --> 00:05:56,334
this is against
the law?
100
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:59,767
So is dressing up a chicken
and calling it your wife.
101
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,367
I am not a chicken.
102
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:12,534
Why does he keep
calling me a chicken?
103
00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:19,234
Now, Marcie.
104
00:06:19,234 --> 00:06:20,934
Don't get
your feathers ruffled.
105
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:25,534
Look, guys,
I don't mean to be rude,
106
00:06:25,534 --> 00:06:27,868
but we've got some
x-rays to sketch.
107
00:06:27,868 --> 00:06:30,234
This is a disgrace.
108
00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:32,567
Don't you understand?
You are robbing your children
109
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:35,167
of one of life's
great experiences.
110
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:37,200
I love to go
to the dentist.
111
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,200
A man in white
hovering over me
112
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:44,000
while I'm trapped
helpless in a chair.
113
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,501
He cleans me.
114
00:06:45,501 --> 00:06:46,667
He flosses me.
115
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,934
His instrument's
alive in my mouth.
116
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:55,267
And just when I think
I can't take anymore,
117
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:57,434
he says,
"Good girl, Marcie.
118
00:06:57,434 --> 00:06:59,767
You can spit now."
119
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:07,701
Al, I wanna go
to the dentist.
120
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,133
Well, you should.
121
00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:12,667
Everyone should
see their dentist
122
00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:14,100
at least twice a month.
123
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,167
I mean, year.
124
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:17,501
And you know what?
125
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:20,234
I haven't had a cavity
since I was 10 years old.
126
00:07:20,234 --> 00:07:22,734
So, what? I haven't had
a cavity my whole life.
127
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,234
And I've neverbeen
to the dentist.
128
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:29,567
And still you have
that delightful breath.
129
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:31,434
How do you know
you've never had a cavity?
130
00:07:31,434 --> 00:07:32,667
History.
131
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,601
Tradition, my boy.
132
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:37,067
Bundy men were always
known for one thing.
133
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,634
Hairy knuckles?
134
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:42,133
The sex drive
of a carbuncle?
135
00:07:44,634 --> 00:07:47,634
Well, actually, we were known
for two things.
136
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:52,067
One: always having
the knack of finding
just the right woman...
137
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:57,033
And teeth.
Big strong choppers.
138
00:07:57,033 --> 00:07:58,667
Marcie, have a look in here.
Go ahead.
139
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:02,767
Uh-huh.
140
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:06,200
Oh, my God.
It smells like a hamper.
141
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,501
Go on. Just check
the teeth, will ya?
142
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:13,400
Well, the green one
looks pretty good.
143
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,901
And some might be bothered
by that black one.
144
00:08:15,901 --> 00:08:17,767
But the one that's
actually bleeding
145
00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:19,801
could be a problem
starting.
146
00:08:19,801 --> 00:08:21,434
Al, you should go
to the dentist.
147
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,534
No dentist.
148
00:08:22,534 --> 00:08:24,067
If my teeth don't hurt,
149
00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:27,400
nothing's wrong with them.
And my teeth don't hurt.
150
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,133
AL:
Now my teeth hurt!
151
00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:33,501
[AL SCREAMING]
152
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:42,834
[GROANING]
153
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,567
Ahem.
154
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,701
Mr. Bundy.
155
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,167
Uh-- Uh...
156
00:08:58,167 --> 00:08:59,167
Uh, I'm Bill.
157
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:00,801
Hello, Bill.
I'm Al Bundy,
158
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,300
I'm Kelly's father.
159
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:05,167
This is some weather we're
having here, isn't it, Bill?
160
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,734
You know, it's funny,
but it's almost
1:00 in the morning,
161
00:09:07,734 --> 00:09:09,234
and you were
kissing my daughter.
162
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:19,934
Oh, darn, Bill.
163
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,701
It's so late,
I thought that'd be open.
164
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,100
There you go.
165
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:34,767
We've got a real problem
here, Kelly.
166
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:37,000
I know, Daddy.
We were just doing our homework.
167
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,234
I'm a good girl.
168
00:09:38,234 --> 00:09:39,234
Who cares?
169
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,334
It's just that
my teeth are killing me.
170
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,367
They felt fine until
that darn Marcie voodooed me.
171
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,434
Now I'm in so much pain,
I can't even sleep.
172
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:50,367
Honey, would you look in there
and see if my teeth are okay?
173
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,734
Oh, well...
Wait a minute.
174
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,267
Let me move
this one aside.
175
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,767
[GROANS]
176
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:59,100
Well, they all
look okay to me...
177
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,334
except for that one
that's fizzing.
178
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,300
Daddy, why don't you just
go to the dentist?
179
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,300
No dentist.
180
00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,701
What I need
is an ice-cold beer.
181
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:13,868
That's cold.
182
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,634
Mm-hm.
183
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:29,868
Nothing like a cold beer
on a hot night.
184
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:31,033
That's good.
185
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:34,167
Are you afraid
of the dentist, Daddy?
186
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,234
Kelly, I'm
a grown man.
187
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:39,934
So, yes, of course,
I'm deathly afraid
of the dentist.
188
00:10:39,934 --> 00:10:43,100
Fear is nothing
to be ashamed of, Daddy.
189
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,133
Let me tell you
a little story.
190
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:47,000
I was afraid once.
191
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,734
It was two years ago,
so I was, um...8.
192
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:56,367
Anyway, I missed the bus
back from school,
193
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:57,801
so I had to walk home.
194
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,934
It was getting
pretty dark.
195
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,167
Oops.
196
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:07,767
I almost drank beer!
197
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,100
Anyway, I cut
through this alley.
198
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,167
And I heard this noise.
199
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,601
I turned,
and there they were.
200
00:11:18,601 --> 00:11:19,968
Who?
201
00:11:19,968 --> 00:11:21,501
All my friends
from school.
202
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:24,067
So we all went to Janie's house
and had this dance party.
203
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:25,400
Oh, God, it was great.
204
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,801
Janie's mom got this broom,
and we limboed.
205
00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:30,234
Then we had cake.
And we painted
each other's toenails.
206
00:11:30,234 --> 00:11:31,367
Then we went to sleep--
207
00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:34,801
Honey, Daddy doesn't
have long to live.
208
00:11:34,801 --> 00:11:37,133
Get to the part
of the fear.
209
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:38,300
Well, let's see.
210
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,234
Was I afraid
of my dress?
211
00:11:40,234 --> 00:11:42,133
What the heck
was I wearing?
212
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,834
Honey, that's all right.
213
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,767
Sweetheart,
it was a great story.
214
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:49,167
[CHUCKLES]
215
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,634
Now, Daddy's just dizzy enough
to go to sleep now, honey.
216
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,234
Have a great night,
sweetheart.
217
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,834
You, too, Daddy.
218
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:57,367
Oh, Daddy,
I just remembered.
What?
219
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:00,334
I was wearing my pink dress
with the little sparkles
on the collar,
220
00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:03,634
and I was afraid it would
clash with the toenails
I just painted.
221
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:05,400
But it didn't.
222
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:09,033
Thanks again,
sweetheart.
223
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:10,501
What are daughters for?
224
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:12,000
I don't know.
225
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:20,734
[GROANING]
226
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,634
I'm going to sleep.
227
00:12:24,834 --> 00:12:26,634
Is Dad gone yet?
228
00:12:26,634 --> 00:12:28,000
Yep.
Great.
229
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,567
Then we'll see you
in the morning.
230
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:34,000
Ohhh.
231
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,801
Curse your father
for making me feed him.
232
00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,200
This is so confusing.
233
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,767
I mean, what do men eat?
234
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,133
Well, going by Bud,
insects.
235
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,234
Mom, Kelly had a boy
here last night.
236
00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:53,534
Oh, yeah? Well,
Bud had a girl here last night.
237
00:12:53,534 --> 00:12:57,033
Yeah, like I'm
gonna believe that.
238
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:04,033
Don't tell stories,
Kelly.
239
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:07,968
Hey, wait a minute.
I could've had a girl here.
240
00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:10,467
Sure you could,
honey.
241
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,234
So, how are Daddy's
teeth this morning?
242
00:13:14,234 --> 00:13:15,267
Oh, I don't know.
243
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,167
He was up screaming
all night.
244
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:19,234
Finally, I put a pillow
over his face
245
00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:21,167
so I could get some rest.
246
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,100
Gee, he's really gotta go
to the dentist.
247
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,667
Ah, what a day.
248
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:27,234
Smell that
morning air.
249
00:13:27,234 --> 00:13:28,234
[INHALES]
250
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,100
Al, will you please
go to the dentist?
251
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,133
Don't have to now, Peg.
252
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:35,567
A miracle happened
last night.
253
00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:38,167
I went to bed. Woke up today.
I feel fine.
254
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:39,167
Oh, yeah?
255
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,534
Eat this ice.
Oh, no, Peg.
256
00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:42,667
Put it in a bag.
257
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:44,200
I'll eat it
on the way to work.
258
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,968
Eat it now, Al.
259
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:47,667
All righty.
260
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,734
[AL SCREAMING]
261
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:09,734
My teeth!
262
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:11,767
Oh, God,
take my life!
263
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:12,767
The pain!
264
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:15,634
I can't stand
the pain!
265
00:14:19,534 --> 00:14:22,667
See, there's no problem.
266
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:27,000
Al, you have a 2:30 appointment
with Marcie's dentist.
267
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,367
Now, here's the address.
268
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,667
And in case you need
a loved one to pick you up,
269
00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:33,567
here's a bus schedule.
270
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:36,434
Dr. Plierson.
271
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:42,334
What I need
is a Dr. Kill-A-Wife.
272
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:43,400
Dad.
273
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,200
Dad, I had a girl here
last night.
274
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,267
Bud, I got no time
for your jokes now.
My teeth are killin' me.
275
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:00,801
You're next,
Mr. Bundy.
276
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,300
AL:
I'm a little nervous.
277
00:15:03,901 --> 00:15:04,901
It's okay.
278
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,701
Come on.
279
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:10,667
Just sit
right down.
280
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:17,133
Can I have
the ducky now?
281
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,834
There's a little boy
out there who really needs it.
282
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,501
Tough.
283
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:24,534
Come on, now.
284
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:26,868
You've got nothing
to worry about.
285
00:15:26,868 --> 00:15:28,367
You won't feel a thing.
286
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:29,534
What's this for?
287
00:15:29,534 --> 00:15:32,067
Oh, it's just
to soak up the blood.
288
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:35,734
Nurse, this dentist--
He's, like,
a real good one, right?
289
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:38,000
Don't worry,
Mr. Bundy.
290
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,400
Doctor's
just wonderful.
291
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,567
Just look at these.
292
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:42,601
Oh, wow.
293
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,167
Nice...
294
00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:52,167
Nice, white, firm.
Yeah.
295
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:55,834
Those babies should
last you a lifetime.
296
00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:57,567
I brush them every day.
297
00:15:57,567 --> 00:16:00,100
I would, too,
if they were mine.
298
00:16:01,868 --> 00:16:04,534
All right, next.
299
00:16:04,534 --> 00:16:06,834
Ah, the man
with the ducky.
300
00:16:06,834 --> 00:16:08,067
Thank you, nurse.
301
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,133
I'll take it
from here.
302
00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:12,200
[SQUEALS]
303
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:15,434
[PLIERSON LAUGHS]
304
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:18,801
Oh. All right.
Come on, Bundy.
305
00:16:18,801 --> 00:16:20,334
Let's see
what we got here.
306
00:16:20,334 --> 00:16:21,367
Open up.
307
00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:22,434
No.
308
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:24,300
Come on, Bundy.
I'm a pro.
309
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,901
I've seen it all.
I've done it all.
310
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,100
Come on, open up.
311
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:30,367
Aah!
312
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:32,367
Ugh!
313
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:36,133
Mother of all creatures,
big and small!
314
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,400
Whoa.
315
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,601
Is it bad?
316
00:16:39,601 --> 00:16:42,167
No, no, not really.
317
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,901
T.C.!
318
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,133
Yes?
319
00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:48,133
I want you to bring one
of the big bibs in here.
320
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,801
And, uh, a drop cloth
for the floor.
321
00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:54,033
Hey, doctor,
I was just thinking.
322
00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:56,667
You know, I don't eat,
and I got no reason to smile.
323
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,734
Why don't we just let 'em
drop out naturally,
and I'll mail 'em to you.
324
00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:01,734
You drill 'em, fill 'em
and mail 'em back to me.
325
00:17:02,501 --> 00:17:04,267
Now, look. Come on, Bundy.
326
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:07,501
Now, I might be optimistic,
but I just happen to think
327
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:09,300
we can save
a couple of those babies.
328
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:10,801
What do you say, huh?
329
00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,501
I'll, uh, Novocaine you up.
330
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,634
Then I'll have
a couple of drinks,
331
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:19,100
and neither one of us
will feel a thing, huh?
332
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:23,534
There we are.
333
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:30,868
All right, now, make sure
you get a shot of the head
334
00:17:30,868 --> 00:17:33,200
so they know
it's a human mouth.
335
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:36,901
Hey, doctor.
336
00:17:36,901 --> 00:17:39,300
Now, you said this is
gonna be nothin', right?
337
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,901
Look, I've done a thousand
of these things.
338
00:17:41,901 --> 00:17:44,234
Just never
in the same mouth.
339
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:45,234
Numb yet?
340
00:17:45,234 --> 00:17:46,300
Yeah. You?
341
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:47,801
Well, close enough.
342
00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:51,868
* Oh, honey *
343
00:17:51,868 --> 00:17:54,868
It's doctor in the office,
sweet cheeks.
344
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,467
I'm sorry.
345
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,467
Anyhow, doctor,
I'm gonna go home
346
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,734
and slip into something
a little more comfortable.
347
00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:02,367
Do you want me
to pick up some videos?
348
00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:04,501
Uh, yeah. Um...
349
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,033
Get, um...
350
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,834
Get something mild.
351
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:11,667
I'm gonna be up to my elbows
in blood in a minute.
352
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:12,667
[MOUTHING]
Okay.
353
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,033
I have this feeling
I'm forgetting something.
354
00:18:16,033 --> 00:18:18,367
Did I turn off
the iron?
355
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:19,634
Did I take my pill?
356
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:21,701
WOMAN:
Yow!
357
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,200
Where is that
damn dentist?
358
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,901
That's what I forgot!
359
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,734
Mrs. Higgenbottom
is spitting up teeth
360
00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:29,267
like a popcorn machine
in there.
361
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:32,801
Okay, well, give her
a Sports Illustrated,
362
00:18:32,801 --> 00:18:34,501
and tell her
I'll be right there.
363
00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:36,234
Okay.
364
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:39,801
Yeah. Sure.
Let her rot.
365
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:42,968
Women. They're the lowest
forms of life.
366
00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:44,000
You married, Bundy?
367
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,133
Look in these eyes.
368
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:50,434
Me, I'm recently divorced.
369
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:53,100
She got me for 1.5 mil.
370
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,601
[CHUCKLES]
371
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,567
I'm not bitter, though.
Nope. She deserved it.
372
00:18:57,567 --> 00:19:00,601
She gave up a very
promising career as a waitress
373
00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:05,567
to become my wife
of about six whole months.
374
00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:08,801
That's almost a half
a year, you know.
375
00:19:08,801 --> 00:19:11,400
[SOBBING]
1.5 mil.
376
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,534
Take it easy, doc.
Take it easy.
377
00:19:14,534 --> 00:19:16,801
I found out, in life,
you can't live in the past.
378
00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:19,501
Or the present
or the future, but...
379
00:19:19,501 --> 00:19:20,934
You can spend
some quality time
380
00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:24,234
at a newsstand,
reading dirty magazines.
381
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:29,968
Yeah. They can't take
that copy of Hiney
away from you, can they?
382
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,200
Bundy, you're an okay Joe.
383
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,400
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
384
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,634
I'm not gonna dig too deep.
385
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:36,200
I'll do what I can.
386
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,434
You won't
feel a thing.
387
00:19:37,434 --> 00:19:39,667
Ah, jeez, thanks, doc.
388
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:44,367
Doctor, it's your ex-wife's
attorney on line one.
389
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:45,868
Great.
390
00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:47,100
By the way,
391
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:49,400
I bought this with your
credit card, doctor, honey.
392
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,901
Is it okay?
393
00:19:50,901 --> 00:19:55,534
Yes, it's much better than
the one you bought yesterday.
394
00:19:55,534 --> 00:19:57,901
And more expensive.
395
00:19:57,901 --> 00:20:00,968
You gold-diggin', little--
396
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,167
What do you want?
397
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:05,334
I got a dying man
in the chair!
398
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,400
[MOUTHING]
399
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,234
No, absolutely not.
400
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:11,467
No.
401
00:20:11,467 --> 00:20:14,434
Oh, she--
She already got it.
402
00:20:14,434 --> 00:20:16,067
Yeah, she's got them too.
403
00:20:17,534 --> 00:20:19,067
My baseball card collection?
404
00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:20,567
Oh, no. No.
No, no, no.
405
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:24,400
I'll give her
the 150 bucks it's worth.
406
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,167
She wants the cards?
407
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:27,501
Why?
408
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:31,300
Because she knows
I like them?
409
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:32,367
All right.
410
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:33,734
All right,
I'll tell you what.
411
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:36,801
You-- you tell her
to take those cards,
412
00:20:36,801 --> 00:20:38,501
and I hope
she chokes on 'em!
413
00:20:38,501 --> 00:20:41,567
Ohhh!
I love those cards!
414
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,934
I spent my whole life
collecting those cards.
415
00:20:43,934 --> 00:20:45,734
Hey, doc, I think
the Novocaine's
416
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:47,234
starting to wear off
a little bit.
417
00:20:47,234 --> 00:20:49,033
Shut up, Bundy!
418
00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:50,734
Just shut up!
419
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:54,901
God, I'm so mad,
I'm shakin'.
420
00:20:54,901 --> 00:20:58,400
Maybe you better wait, then,
until you calm down.
421
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,334
[DRILL WHISTLING]
Aah! Aaah!
422
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:13,667
Mm-mm! What a memory
this will be.
423
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:15,167
If Bud didn't
still have pimples,
424
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,267
I'd think this was a dream.
425
00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:18,868
Yeah, well,
426
00:21:18,868 --> 00:21:21,334
just don't bring
your rumbling little stomachs
427
00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:23,968
around come Thanksgiving,
'cause after today,
428
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,534
Mommy has hung up her oven.
429
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:29,367
Al, here's your
stinkin' meal!
430
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:31,033
I hope you're happy!
431
00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:42,334
[MUFFLED]
Oh, Peg.
432
00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,601
What'd you cook for?
433
00:21:43,601 --> 00:21:45,601
You know I can't eat.
434
00:21:46,901 --> 00:21:51,234
Oh, "ook at aw the ood."
435
00:21:51,234 --> 00:21:53,567
Stop babbling, Al.
436
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:55,701
I can't understand
a word you say.
437
00:21:55,701 --> 00:21:57,701
Well,
can you understand this?
438
00:21:57,701 --> 00:22:01,734
I want another meal
when I can eat the food.
439
00:22:01,734 --> 00:22:03,234
Pass the mashed potatoes.
440
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:04,400
Give me corn.
441
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,901
This is unacceptable.
442
00:22:05,901 --> 00:22:08,667
I'm the man
of the house.
443
00:22:08,667 --> 00:22:10,901
Wait a minute, kids.
444
00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:11,934
Your Daddy's right.
445
00:22:11,934 --> 00:22:14,067
This is very unfair
to your father.
446
00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:17,501
And we cannot enjoy my meal
with him like this.
447
00:22:40,267 --> 00:22:42,567
[***]1
00:00:03,167 --> 00:00:06,200
[***]
2
00:01:19,534 --> 00:01:22,968
Ah, home sweet hell.
3
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,100
MAN: Hey, Bundy! Home for supper?
4
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,734
Never say die, huh?
5
00:01:34,769 --> 00:01:36,132
[LAUGHS]
6
00:01:36,167 --> 00:01:39,767
MAN 2: Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight.
7
00:01:39,802 --> 00:01:41,666
What are you havin'?
8
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:45,767
If I was the mailman,
I'd be having your wife.
9
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:50,834
Don't worry
about me, Donnelly.
10
00:01:50,869 --> 00:01:51,834
I'll have supper.
11
00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:55,084
I better have supper.
12
00:01:55,119 --> 00:01:57,334
Peg,
where's my supper?
13
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,734
[RINGING]
14
00:02:00,769 --> 00:02:02,532
Oh!
15
00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:07,033
Oh, God.
The idiot'll be home soon.
16
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:10,917
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
17
00:02:10,952 --> 00:02:13,365
Hi, idiot.
18
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,567
Peg, in the privacy
of our own home,
19
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,599
could you call me
Mr. Idiot?
20
00:02:17,634 --> 00:02:19,467
Peg, you're not gonna
bother me tonight,
21
00:02:19,502 --> 00:02:20,599
because you know why?
22
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:23,400
I know you cooked me supper,
didn't ya?
23
00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:27,501
Dessert?
24
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,000
Oh, honey, what
do you want from me?
25
00:02:33,035 --> 00:02:34,965
You're at work
10 hours a day.
26
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,167
Can't you find something
to eat in all that time?
27
00:02:38,202 --> 00:02:42,067
God! This is a home,
not a restaurant.
28
00:02:42,102 --> 00:02:43,499
I know, Peg.
29
00:02:43,534 --> 00:02:47,234
If it was a restaurant,
we'd have a clean bathroom.
30
00:02:47,269 --> 00:02:49,234
Can't you be
like other husbands?
31
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,265
Just come home,
go upstairs
32
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:54,834
and sit there
quietly till morning.
33
00:02:54,869 --> 00:02:55,968
Excuse me a second, Peg.
34
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:06,701
What's this? Beef stew?
Made from scratch?
35
00:03:09,434 --> 00:03:12,534
Whoa ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
What a wife!
36
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:16,883
Peg, I'm starving to death.
37
00:03:16,918 --> 00:03:18,559
I can't live like this.
38
00:03:18,594 --> 00:03:20,165
Now, I'm telling you,
Peg,
39
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,968
I want you to put
something in that oven,
40
00:03:22,003 --> 00:03:24,432
either food or my head.
41
00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:26,800
Either way, the neighbors'll
smell something cookin'.
42
00:03:26,835 --> 00:03:29,133
Now, Peg, I'm making
a stand here. I'm not kidding.
43
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:30,834
I want a meal.
I want it now. Get it?
44
00:03:30,869 --> 00:03:32,933
Huh?
45
00:03:32,968 --> 00:03:35,399
What'd you say, Al?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
46
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:37,868
Jeez, I don't know. Just
something about me being a man.
47
00:03:37,903 --> 00:03:39,534
It wasn't important.
48
00:03:41,868 --> 00:03:43,432
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
49
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,901
Kids, I'm glad you're home
because I'm taking a poll.
50
00:03:45,936 --> 00:03:48,133
Where are we
gonna put a pole?
51
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:51,666
Well, we can, uh,
put it in your head
52
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:55,567
so we have a place to hang
the sign that says "duh. "
53
00:03:57,968 --> 00:03:59,132
Oh, thanks.
54
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:01,067
You wouldn't let me
get a nose earring,
55
00:04:01,102 --> 00:04:02,968
but you're gonna put
a pole in my head?
56
00:04:06,868 --> 00:04:09,133
Peg, are you sure you
didn't have a one-night stand
57
00:04:09,168 --> 00:04:11,067
with Abbott and Costello?
58
00:04:14,467 --> 00:04:17,417
No. I'm a one-stooge
woman, honey.
59
00:04:17,452 --> 00:04:19,660
All right, we're
going to have a vote.
60
00:04:19,695 --> 00:04:21,833
I thought we were
gonna have a po...
61
00:04:21,868 --> 00:04:25,467
All in favor of having
your mother cook...
62
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,400
Three. Opposed?
63
00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:30,232
None.
64
00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:31,933
Well, that's it, Peg.
You're cookin'.
65
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:34,065
I don't care if it's
breakfast, lunch or dinner,
66
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,367
but I want it hot. And I'll
tell you something else.
67
00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:37,667
I want it on a plate.
68
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:43,150
Boy. If I'd known
it was gonna be like this...
69
00:04:43,185 --> 00:04:45,634
Well, Peg, the neighbors
are laughing at me.
70
00:04:45,669 --> 00:04:49,267
And everyone at school,
too, Dad.
71
00:04:49,302 --> 00:04:50,265
Well, that's it.
72
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:51,900
From now on,
this family is gonna be
73
00:04:51,935 --> 00:04:53,567
like every other family
in America.
74
00:04:53,602 --> 00:04:55,200
Sometime this month
we're gonna eat!
75
00:04:55,235 --> 00:04:57,584
Yes, food!
All right!
76
00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,876
Okay, I'll make
one meal.
77
00:04:59,911 --> 00:05:02,133
But it's not
gonna be good.
78
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:04,566
That's all we ask.
79
00:05:04,601 --> 00:05:05,734
Oh, Mom,
one more thing.
80
00:05:05,769 --> 00:05:06,766
Oh.
81
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:10,834
You're spinning me
right into PMS.
82
00:05:10,869 --> 00:05:12,265
It's the school nurse,
Mom.
83
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:14,701
She said it's time to get
our annual dental checkups.
84
00:05:14,736 --> 00:05:15,732
Oh.
85
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:18,534
Okay. We'll make
an appointment.
86
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:22,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
87
00:05:22,369 --> 00:05:23,667
Come in!
88
00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,098
What are you doing?
89
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:32,901
Ah, giving the kids
their dental checkups.
90
00:05:32,936 --> 00:05:35,534
Excellent, Bud,
as usual.
91
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,635
Beautiful, Kelly.
Good girl.
92
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,666
Okay, kids,
go on upstairs
93
00:05:39,701 --> 00:05:42,934
and we'll forge your
dental forms in the morning.
94
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:45,699
Ah. Well,
that wasn't so bad.
95
00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:47,868
Yeah. Thank God we didn't
need tetanus shots.
96
00:05:47,903 --> 00:05:49,300
Oh. I hate
that little pin.
97
00:05:49,335 --> 00:05:50,434
Ugh! Ugh!
98
00:05:52,067 --> 00:05:54,901
Uh, excuse me,
but doesn't anybody know
99
00:05:54,936 --> 00:05:56,299
this is against
the law?
100
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:59,767
So is dressing up a chicken
and calling it your wife.
101
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,332
I am not a chicken.
102
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:12,534
Why does he keep
calling me a chicken?
103
00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:19,199
Now, Marcie.
104
00:06:19,234 --> 00:06:20,934
Don't get
your feathers ruffled.
105
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:25,734
Look, guys,
I don't mean to be rude,
106
00:06:25,769 --> 00:06:27,868
but we've got some
x- rays to sketch.
107
00:06:27,903 --> 00:06:30,199
This is a disgrace.
108
00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:32,567
Don't you understand?
You are robbing your children
109
00:06:32,602 --> 00:06:35,167
of one of life's
great experiences.
110
00:06:35,202 --> 00:06:37,701
I love to go
to the dentist.
111
00:06:37,736 --> 00:06:40,165
A man in white
hovering over me
112
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:44,000
while I'm trapped
helpless in a chair.
113
00:06:44,035 --> 00:06:45,351
He cleans me.
114
00:06:45,386 --> 00:06:46,632
He flosses me.
115
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,934
His instrument's
alive in my mouth.
116
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:55,267
And just when I think
I can't take anymore,
117
00:06:55,302 --> 00:06:57,434
he says,
"Good girl, Marcie.
118
00:06:57,469 --> 00:06:59,767
You can spit now. "
119
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:07,701
Al, I wanna go
to the dentist.
120
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,098
Well, you should.
121
00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:12,667
Everyone should
see their dentist
122
00:07:12,702 --> 00:07:14,100
at least twice a month.
123
00:07:14,135 --> 00:07:16,132
I mean, year.
124
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:17,466
And you know what?
125
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:20,117
I haven't had a cavity
since I was 10 years old.
126
00:07:20,152 --> 00:07:22,734
So, what? I haven't had
a cavity my whole life.
127
00:07:22,769 --> 00:07:25,199
And I've neverbeen
to the dentist.
128
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:28,334
And still you have
that delightful breath.
129
00:07:28,369 --> 00:07:31,434
How do you know
you've never had a cavity?
130
00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:32,632
History.
131
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,566
Tradition, my boy.
132
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:37,067
Bundy men were always
known for one thing.
133
00:07:37,102 --> 00:07:38,634
Hairy knuckles?
134
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:42,133
The sex drive
of a carbuncle?
135
00:07:44,634 --> 00:07:47,599
Well, actually, we were known
for two things.
136
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:52,067
One: always having the knack of
finding just the right woman...
137
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:56,998
And teeth.
Big strong choppers.
138
00:07:57,033 --> 00:07:58,667
Marcie, have a look in here.
Go ahead.
139
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:02,732
Uh-huh.
140
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:05,634
Oh, my God.
It smells like a hamper.
141
00:08:05,669 --> 00:08:08,501
Go on. Just check
the teeth, will ya?
142
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:13,365
Well, the green one
looks pretty good.
143
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,901
And some might be bothered
by that black one.
144
00:08:15,936 --> 00:08:17,767
But the one that's
actually bleeding
145
00:08:17,802 --> 00:08:19,766
could be a problem
starting.
146
00:08:19,801 --> 00:08:21,434
Al, you should go
to the dentist.
147
00:08:21,469 --> 00:08:22,499
No dentist.
148
00:08:22,534 --> 00:08:24,032
If my teeth don't hurt,
149
00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:27,400
nothing's wrong with them.
And my teeth don't hurt.
150
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,133
AL:
Now my teeth hurt!
151
00:08:30,168 --> 00:08:33,501
[AL SCREAMING]
152
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:42,834
[GROANING]
153
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,567
Ahem.
154
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,283
Mr. Bundy.
155
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,742
Uh... Uh...
156
00:08:57,777 --> 00:08:59,132
Uh, I'm Bill.
157
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:00,801
Hello, Bill.
I'm Al Bundy,
158
00:09:00,836 --> 00:09:02,265
I'm Kelly's father.
159
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:05,017
This is some weather we're
having here, isn't it, Bill?
160
00:09:05,052 --> 00:09:07,734
You know, it's funny, but it's
almost 1:00 in the morning,
161
00:09:07,769 --> 00:09:09,234
and you were
kissing my daughter.
162
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:19,899
Oh, darn, Bill.
163
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,701
It's so late,
I thought that'd be open.
164
00:09:21,736 --> 00:09:23,100
There you go.
165
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:34,732
We've got a real problem
here, Kelly.
166
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:37,000
I know, Daddy.
We were just doing our homework.
167
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,234
I'm a good girl.
168
00:09:38,269 --> 00:09:39,234
Who cares?
169
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,299
It's just that
my teeth are killing me.
170
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,367
They felt fine until
that darn Marcie voodooed me.
171
00:09:45,402 --> 00:09:47,399
Now I'm in so much pain,
I can't even sleep.
172
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:50,367
Honey, would you look in there
and see if my teeth are okay?
173
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,783
Oh, well...
Wait a minute.
174
00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,267
Let me move
this one aside.
175
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,732
[GROANS]
176
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:59,050
Well, they all
look okay to me...
177
00:09:59,085 --> 00:10:01,299
except for that one
that's fizzing.
178
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,300
Daddy, why don't you just
go to the dentist?
179
00:10:03,335 --> 00:10:04,265
No dentist.
180
00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,701
What I need
is an ice-cold beer.
181
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:13,868
That's cold.
182
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,599
Mm-hm.
183
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:29,868
Nothing like a cold beer
on a hot night.
184
00:10:29,903 --> 00:10:30,998
That's good.
185
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:34,167
Are you afraid
of the dentist, Daddy?
186
00:10:34,202 --> 00:10:36,199
Kelly, I'm
a grown man.
187
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:39,934
So, yes, of course, I'm
deathly afraid of the dentist.
188
00:10:39,969 --> 00:10:43,100
Fear is nothing
to be ashamed of, Daddy.
189
00:10:43,135 --> 00:10:45,133
Let me tell you
a little story.
190
00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:46,965
I was afraid once.
191
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,734
It was two years ago,
so I was, um... 8.
192
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:56,367
Anyway, I missed the bus
back from school,
193
00:10:56,402 --> 00:10:57,766
so I had to walk home.
194
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,934
It was getting
pretty dark.
195
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,132
Oops.
196
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:07,767
I almost drank beer!
197
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,100
Anyway, I cut
through this alley.
198
00:11:14,135 --> 00:11:16,132
And I heard this noise.
199
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,601
I turned,
and there they were.
200
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:19,933
Who?
201
00:11:19,968 --> 00:11:21,466
All my friends
from school.
202
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:24,067
So we all went to Janie's house
and had this dance party.
203
00:11:24,102 --> 00:11:25,365
Oh, God, it was great.
204
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,766
Janie's mom got this broom,
and we limboed.
205
00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:30,234
Then we had cake. And we
painted each other's toenails.
206
00:11:30,269 --> 00:11:31,332
Then we went to sleep...
207
00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:34,801
Honey, Daddy doesn't
have long to live.
208
00:11:34,836 --> 00:11:37,133
Get to the part
of the fear.
209
00:11:37,168 --> 00:11:38,265
Well, let's see.
210
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,216
Was I afraid
of my dress?
211
00:11:40,251 --> 00:11:42,133
What the heck
was I wearing?
212
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,834
Honey, that's all right.
213
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,767
Sweetheart,
it was a great story.
214
00:11:47,802 --> 00:11:49,132
[CHUCKLES]
215
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,634
Now, Daddy's just dizzy enough
to go to sleep now, honey.
216
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,234
Have a great night,
sweetheart.
217
00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:54,799
You, too, Daddy.
218
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:57,332
Oh, Daddy, I just remembered. What?
219
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:00,500
I was wearing my pink dress with
the little sparkles on the collar,
220
00:12:00,535 --> 00:12:03,634
and I was afraid it would clash
with the toenails I just painted.
221
00:12:03,669 --> 00:12:05,400
But it didn't.
222
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:09,151
Thanks again,
sweetheart.
223
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:10,501
What are daughters for?
224
00:12:10,536 --> 00:12:12,000
I don't know.
225
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:20,734
[GROANING]
226
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,634
I'm going to sleep.
227
00:12:24,834 --> 00:12:26,417
Is Dad gone yet?
228
00:12:26,452 --> 00:12:27,965
Yep.
Great.
229
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,567
Then we'll see you
in the morning.
230
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:33,965
Ohhh.
231
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,801
Curse your father
for making me feed him.
232
00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,734
This is so confusing.
233
00:12:40,769 --> 00:12:42,767
I mean, what do men eat?
234
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,133
Well, going by Bud,
insects.
235
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,199
Mom, Kelly had a boy
here last night.
236
00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:53,534
Oh, yeah? Well,
Bud had a girl here last night.
237
00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:57,033
Yeah, like I'm
gonna believe that.
238
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:04,033
Don't tell stories,
Kelly.
239
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:07,968
Hey, wait a minute.
I could've had a girl here.
240
00:13:08,003 --> 00:13:10,467
Sure you could,
honey.
241
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,234
So, how are Daddy's
teeth this morning?
242
00:13:14,269 --> 00:13:15,232
Oh, I don't know.
243
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,132
He was up screaming
all night.
244
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:19,234
Finally, I put a pillow
over his face
245
00:13:19,269 --> 00:13:21,132
so I could get some rest.
246
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,100
Gee, he's really gotta go
to the dentist.
247
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,632
Ah, what a day.
248
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:27,234
Smell that
morning air.
249
00:13:27,269 --> 00:13:28,234
[INHALES]
250
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,100
Al, will you please
go to the dentist?
251
00:13:33,135 --> 00:13:34,098
Don't have to now, Peg.
252
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:35,532
A miracle happened
last night.
253
00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:38,167
I went to bed. Woke up today.
I feel fine.
254
00:13:38,202 --> 00:13:39,132
Oh, yeah?
255
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,534
Eat this ice.
Oh, no, Peg.
256
00:13:41,569 --> 00:13:42,632
Put it in a bag.
257
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:44,200
I'll eat it
on the way to work.
258
00:13:44,235 --> 00:13:45,951
Eat it now, Al.
259
00:13:45,986 --> 00:13:47,667
All righty.
260
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,734
[AL SCREAMING]
261
00:14:08,769 --> 00:14:09,699
My teeth!
262
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:11,767
Oh, God,
take my life!
263
00:14:11,802 --> 00:14:12,732
The pain!
264
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:15,634
I can't stand
the pain!
265
00:14:19,534 --> 00:14:22,632
See, there's no problem.
266
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:27,000
Al, you have a 2:30 appointment
with Marcie's dentist.
267
00:14:27,035 --> 00:14:28,332
Now, here's the address.
268
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,667
And in case you need
a loved one to pick you up,
269
00:14:30,702 --> 00:14:33,567
here's a bus schedule.
270
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:36,434
Dr. Plierson.
271
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:42,334
What I need
is a Dr. Kill-A-Wife.
272
00:14:42,369 --> 00:14:43,365
Dad.
273
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,165
Dad, I had a girl here
last night.
274
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,267
Bud, I got no time for your jokes
now. My teeth are killin' me.
275
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:00,084
You're next,
Mr. Bundy.
276
00:15:00,119 --> 00:15:02,300
AL:
I'm a little nervous.
277
00:15:03,901 --> 00:15:04,901
It's okay.
278
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,666
Come on.
279
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:10,667
Just sit
right down.
280
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:17,098
Can I have
the ducky now?
281
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,834
There's a little boy
out there who really needs it.
282
00:15:19,869 --> 00:15:21,501
Tough.
283
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:24,499
Come on, now.
284
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:26,868
You've got nothing
to worry about.
285
00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:28,367
You won't feel a thing.
286
00:15:28,402 --> 00:15:29,499
What's this for?
287
00:15:29,534 --> 00:15:32,032
Oh, it's just
to soak up the blood.
288
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:35,734
Nurse, this dentist... He's,
like, a real good one, right?
289
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,084
Don't worry,
Mr. Bundy.
290
00:15:38,119 --> 00:15:40,400
Doctor's
just wonderful.
291
00:15:40,435 --> 00:15:41,567
Just look at these.
292
00:15:41,602 --> 00:15:42,601
Oh, wow.
293
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,167
Nice...
294
00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:52,132
Nice, white, firm.
Yeah.
295
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:55,834
Those babies should
last you a lifetime.
296
00:15:55,869 --> 00:15:57,532
I brush them every day.
297
00:15:57,567 --> 00:16:00,100
I would, too,
if they were mine.
298
00:16:01,868 --> 00:16:04,499
All right, next.
299
00:16:04,534 --> 00:16:06,834
Ah, the man
with the ducky.
300
00:16:06,869 --> 00:16:08,032
Thank you, nurse.
301
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,133
I'll take it
from here.
302
00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:12,200
[SQUEALS]
303
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:15,399
[PLIERSON LAUGHS]
304
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,884
Oh. All right.
Come on, Bundy.
305
00:16:17,919 --> 00:16:20,334
Let's see
what we got here.
306
00:16:20,369 --> 00:16:21,367
Open up.
307
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:22,399
No.
308
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:24,265
Come on, Bundy.
I'm a pro.
309
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,901
I've seen it all.
I've done it all.
310
00:16:25,936 --> 00:16:27,100
Come on, open up.
311
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:30,667
Aah!
312
00:16:30,702 --> 00:16:32,332
Ugh!
313
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:36,133
Mother of all creatures,
big and small!
314
00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:37,365
Whoa.
315
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,566
Is it bad?
316
00:16:39,601 --> 00:16:42,167
No, no, not really.
317
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:43,667
T.C.!
318
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:45,098
Yes?
319
00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:48,133
I want you to bring one
of the big bibs in here.
320
00:16:48,168 --> 00:16:49,801
And, uh, a drop cloth
for the floor.
321
00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:53,998
Hey, doctor,
I was just thinking.
322
00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:56,632
You know, I don't eat,
and I got no reason to smile.
323
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,734
Why don't we just let 'em drop out
naturally, and I'll mail 'em to you.
324
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:01,734
You drill 'em, fill 'em
and mail 'em back to me.
325
00:17:02,501 --> 00:17:04,232
Now, look. Come on, Bundy.
326
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:07,501
Now, I might be optimistic,
but I just happen to think
327
00:17:07,536 --> 00:17:09,300
we can save
a couple of those babies.
328
00:17:09,335 --> 00:17:10,766
What do you say, huh?
329
00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,501
I'll, uh, Novocaine you up.
330
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,599
Then I'll have
a couple of drinks,
331
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:19,100
and neither one of us
will feel a thing, huh?
332
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:23,534
There we are.
333
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:30,868
All right, now, make sure
you get a shot of the head
334
00:17:30,903 --> 00:17:33,200
so they know
it's a human mouth.
335
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:36,866
Hey, doctor.
336
00:17:36,901 --> 00:17:39,401
Now, you said this is
gonna be nothin', right?
337
00:17:39,436 --> 00:17:41,901
Look, I've done a thousand
of these things.
338
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:44,234
Just never
in the same mouth.
339
00:17:44,269 --> 00:17:45,284
Numb yet?
340
00:17:45,319 --> 00:17:46,265
Yeah. You?
341
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:47,801
Well, close enough.
342
00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:51,833
* Oh, honey *
343
00:17:51,868 --> 00:17:54,868
It's doctor in the office,
sweet cheeks.
344
00:17:54,903 --> 00:17:56,432
I'm sorry.
345
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,432
Anyhow, doctor,
I'm gonna go home
346
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,734
and slip into something
a little more comfortable.
347
00:18:00,769 --> 00:18:02,367
Do you want me
to pick up some videos?
348
00:18:02,402 --> 00:18:04,501
Uh, yeah. Um...
349
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:06,998
Get, um...
350
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,799
Get something mild.
351
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:11,667
I'm gonna be up to my elbows
in blood in a minute.
352
00:18:11,702 --> 00:18:12,667
[MOUTHING]
Okay.
353
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,033
I have this feeling
I'm forgetting something.
354
00:18:16,068 --> 00:18:18,367
Did I turn off
the iron?
355
00:18:18,402 --> 00:18:19,634
Did I take my pill?
356
00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:21,666
WOMAN:
Yow!
357
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,200
Where is that
damn dentist?
358
00:18:24,235 --> 00:18:25,866
That's what I forgot!
359
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,734
Mrs. Higgenbottom
is spitting up teeth
360
00:18:27,769 --> 00:18:29,267
like a popcorn machine
in there.
361
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:32,801
Okay, well, give her
a Sports Illustrated,
362
00:18:32,836 --> 00:18:34,501
and tell her
I'll be right there.
363
00:18:34,536 --> 00:18:36,199
Okay.
364
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:39,766
Yeah. Sure.
Let her rot.
365
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:42,968
Women. They're the lowest
forms of life.
366
00:18:43,003 --> 00:18:44,568
You married, Bundy?
367
00:18:44,603 --> 00:18:46,133
Look in these eyes.
368
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:50,633
Me, I'm recently divorced.
369
00:18:50,668 --> 00:18:53,100
She got me for 1.5 mil.
370
00:18:53,135 --> 00:18:54,566
[CHUCKLES]
371
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,601
I'm not bitter, though.
Nope. She deserved it.
372
00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:00,601
She gave up a very
promising career as a waitress
373
00:19:00,636 --> 00:19:05,567
to become my wife
of about six whole months.
374
00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:08,801
That's almost a half
a year, you know.
375
00:19:08,836 --> 00:19:11,365
[SOBBING]
1.5 mil.
376
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,499
Take it easy, doc.
Take it easy.
377
00:19:14,534 --> 00:19:16,801
I found out, in life,
you can't live in the past.
378
00:19:16,836 --> 00:19:19,501
Or the present
or the future, but...
379
00:19:19,536 --> 00:19:20,899
You can spend
some quality time
380
00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:24,199
at a newsstand,
reading dirty magazines.
381
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:29,968
Yeah. They can't take that copy of
Hiney away from you, can they?
382
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,701
Bundy, you're an okay Joe.
383
00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:33,185
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
384
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:34,634
I'm not gonna dig too deep.
385
00:19:34,669 --> 00:19:36,165
I'll do what I can.
386
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,933
You won't
feel a thing.
387
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:39,632
Ah, jeez, thanks, doc.
388
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:44,367
Doctor, it's your ex-wife's
attorney on line one.
389
00:19:44,402 --> 00:19:45,833
Great.
390
00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:47,065
By the way,
391
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:49,400
I bought this with your
credit card, doctor, honey.
392
00:19:49,435 --> 00:19:50,866
Is it okay?
393
00:19:50,901 --> 00:19:55,534
Yes, it's much better than
the one you bought yesterday.
394
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,866
And more expensive.
395
00:19:57,901 --> 00:20:00,968
You gold-diggin', little...
396
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,132
What do you want?
397
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:05,334
I got a dying man
in the chair!
398
00:20:05,369 --> 00:20:07,365
[MOUTHING]
399
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,234
No, absolutely not.
400
00:20:10,269 --> 00:20:11,432
No.
401
00:20:11,467 --> 00:20:14,434
Oh, she...
She already got it.
402
00:20:14,469 --> 00:20:16,067
Yeah, she's got them too.
403
00:20:17,534 --> 00:20:19,050
My baseball card collection?
404
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,532
Oh, no. No.
No, no, no.
405
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:24,400
I'll give her
the 150 bucks it's worth.
406
00:20:24,435 --> 00:20:26,167
She wants the cards?
407
00:20:26,202 --> 00:20:27,501
Why?
408
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:31,300
Because she knows
I like them?
409
00:20:31,335 --> 00:20:32,332
All right.
410
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:33,699
All right,
I'll tell you what.
411
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:36,801
You... you tell her
to take those cards,
412
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,201
and I hope
she chokes on 'em!
413
00:20:39,236 --> 00:20:41,532
Ohhh!
I love those cards!
414
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,934
I spent my whole life
collecting those cards.
415
00:20:43,969 --> 00:20:45,601
Hey, doc, I think
the Novocaine's
416
00:20:45,636 --> 00:20:47,234
starting to wear off
a little bit.
417
00:20:47,269 --> 00:20:49,001
Shut up, Bundy!
418
00:20:49,036 --> 00:20:50,699
Just shut up!
419
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:54,866
God, I'm so mad,
I'm shakin'.
420
00:20:54,901 --> 00:20:58,400
Maybe you better wait, then,
until you calm down.
421
00:20:58,435 --> 00:21:01,334
[DRILL WHISTLING]
Aah! Aaah!
422
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:12,884
Mm-mm! What a memory
this will be.
423
00:21:12,919 --> 00:21:15,167
If Bud didn't
still have pimples,
424
00:21:15,202 --> 00:21:17,267
I'd think this was a dream.
425
00:21:17,302 --> 00:21:18,833
Yeah, well,
426
00:21:18,868 --> 00:21:21,418
just don't bring
your rumbling little stomachs
427
00:21:21,453 --> 00:21:23,968
around come Thanksgiving,
'cause after today,
428
00:21:24,003 --> 00:21:26,685
Mommy has hung up her oven.
429
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,367
Al, here's your
stinkin' meal!
430
00:21:29,402 --> 00:21:31,033
I hope you're happy!
431
00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:42,101
[MUFFLED]
Oh, Peg.
432
00:21:42,136 --> 00:21:43,868
What'd you cook for?
433
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:45,601
You know I can't eat.
434
00:21:46,901 --> 00:21:51,234
Oh, "ook at aw the ood. "
435
00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:53,532
Stop babbling, Al.
436
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:55,634
I can't understand
a word you say.
437
00:21:55,669 --> 00:21:57,666
Well,
can you understand this?
438
00:21:57,701 --> 00:22:01,734
I want another meal
when I can eat the food.
439
00:22:01,769 --> 00:22:03,234
Pass the mashed potatoes.
440
00:22:03,269 --> 00:22:04,365
Give me corn.
441
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,866
This is unacceptable.
442
00:22:05,901 --> 00:22:08,667
I'm the man
of the house.
443
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:10,318
Wait a minute, kids.
444
00:22:10,353 --> 00:22:11,899
Your Daddy's right.
445
00:22:11,934 --> 00:22:14,032
This is very unfair
to your father.
446
00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:17,501
And we cannot enjoy my meal
with him like this.
447
00:22:40,267 --> 00:22:42,567
[***]1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:06,601
[***]
2
00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:15,934
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
3
00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:32,367
[ALARM BUZZES]
4
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:35,467
[TURNS ALARM OFF]
Aah!
5
00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,701
Good morning, honey.
6
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:43,300
BOTH:
Uugh...
7
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:45,167
Mwah.
8
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:48,100
Gee, you were great
last night, Al.
9
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,000
You snored "Vaya con Dios"
in your sleep,
10
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,000
while your nose hairs
11
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,601
swayed romantically
to the beat.
12
00:01:54,601 --> 00:01:56,601
Yeah, you were pretty good
yourself, Peg.
13
00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:59,634
You sweated your silhouette
on the sheets.
14
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:02,133
Oh, honey, let's do
something special tonight.
15
00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:04,267
You know, like we used to.
16
00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:06,400
You mean, like, I say
I don't wanna get married,
17
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,868
and you
book the hall?
18
00:02:08,868 --> 00:02:10,000
Actually,
I was thinking
19
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,501
we could find
someplace romantic
20
00:02:11,501 --> 00:02:13,868
and grope each other
in the dark.
21
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,133
I couldn't find anything
in the dark.
22
00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:18,133
None of
the important parts
23
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:21,667
are where
they used to be.
24
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:23,133
Actually,
you couldn't find them
25
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:27,100
in the light, either.
Ha, ha, ha.
26
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,400
Pillow talk
all you want, Peg,
27
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,901
but tonight's
bowling night.
28
00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:30,968
I can't be with you.
29
00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:34,234
I'm gonna have fun.
30
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:35,534
Well, it's just as well.
31
00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:36,834
I'm gonna be pretty tired
32
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:38,534
after a whole day
in the beauty parlor.
33
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:39,834
Ha, ha, ha.
34
00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,701
I guess we can't
put it off any longer.
35
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,634
We've both got a lot
to do. Come on.
36
00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:46,367
[AL GRUNTS]
[PEG SIGHS]
37
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,601
Ah!
38
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,534
What do you want
for breakfast, honey?
39
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:51,534
Bacon and eggs?
40
00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:54,501
AL:
Ah, that'd be great.
41
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:57,567
Good. While you're at it,
make me some too.
42
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,667
[CUSTOMERS LAUGH]
43
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,400
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
How 'bout this:
44
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,667
How much would it take
45
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:08,767
for you to do
the deed of darkness
46
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:10,834
with Garry Shandling?
47
00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:13,934
[IN UNISON]
Ewww!
48
00:03:13,934 --> 00:03:15,334
Ten million.
49
00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:17,000
Twenty if he
wants to talk.
50
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,601
[ALL LAUGH]
51
00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:22,133
How about
with Sonya's husband?
52
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,501
[IN UNISON]
Ewww!
53
00:03:24,501 --> 00:03:27,934
We'll be with you
in a minute, Mrs. Rhoades.
54
00:03:27,934 --> 00:03:30,267
Oh...
55
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,901
I'm kind of
nervous about this.
56
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:35,000
I don't like new people
doing my hair.
57
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,167
Why did Mr. Maurice
58
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:40,033
have to get in that
slap fight with Julio?
59
00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:43,934
Don't worry, Marcy.
You'll look great.
60
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:45,934
They're known for
tailoring each hairdo
61
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,067
to the individual.
62
00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:01,300
So when was the last time
you got it, Peggy?
Hooh!
63
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,934
Got it,
or got it good?
64
00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:03,934
[ALL LAUGH]
65
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,734
Bleached.
66
00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:15,167
Siliconed.
67
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,367
Kept.
68
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,467
Happy.
69
00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:23,801
We're ready for you now,
Mrs. Rhoades,
70
00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:26,634
and we're gonna
make you beautiful.
71
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,300
Do you sell insurance,
like at the airport?
72
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:35,000
What's wrong with
our husbands, anyway?
73
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,000
We go out
of our way
74
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,801
to look beautiful
for them,
75
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:39,133
and all we are
76
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:42,033
are things to strike
a match on.
77
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:43,868
I know.
78
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,601
The only time
Al looks at me
79
00:04:45,601 --> 00:04:49,300
is when he wants
the cap off his beer.
80
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,434
As if his teeth
aren't as good as mine!
81
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,901
I'll tell ya, if I could get
the paper boy
82
00:04:57,901 --> 00:05:00,400
to come up for some
hot cocoa just once,
83
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,534
I'd chuck my husband
in a second.
84
00:05:03,534 --> 00:05:05,100
Husbands.
85
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,767
Actually, husbands
are wonderful...
86
00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,567
if they're not
your own.
87
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:15,367
Well, they're grateful for
the smallest bit of attention.
88
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,834
They're horny
as all get-out.
89
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:19,200
And the best part of it:
90
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,934
their spirit's
already been broken.
91
00:05:22,934 --> 00:05:27,033
Well, isn't breaking it
part of the fun?
92
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:29,801
Oh, no. The fun is
the condos, the cars
93
00:05:29,801 --> 00:05:31,667
and the sex every night.
Ha, ha, ha!
94
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:32,868
Oh, believe me,
95
00:05:32,868 --> 00:05:37,334
the best things in life
are someone else's.
96
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:39,701
Well, when do you
get to see him?
97
00:05:39,701 --> 00:05:42,400
I mean,
how do husbands get out?
98
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:46,100
Well, they may
appear stupid,
99
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:49,367
but they usually find
an excuse to get away.
100
00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:50,634
Usually bowling.
101
00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:55,501
That's what
my current guy says.
102
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:57,868
He is married
to a real shrew.
103
00:05:57,868 --> 00:06:00,767
She doesn't cook for him.
She doesn't clean for him.
104
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,234
Well, it's so easy
to please a man who has nothing.
105
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:10,234
Fry him up a burger,
106
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:13,601
and you get a 24-inch Sony.
107
00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:16,901
Are you ready for your
color now, dear?
108
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:17,934
Oh, sure.
109
00:06:17,934 --> 00:06:20,033
Now, don't let it
go red.
110
00:06:20,033 --> 00:06:21,033
He says that color
111
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:23,200
makes him want
to throw up.
112
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:32,400
Hey, everybody,
Al's cheating on Peggy!
113
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:37,734
PEG [UPSTAIRS]:
Oh, Marcy, stop complaining.
114
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:39,534
I think you look great.
115
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,067
Oh, Marcy,
I'm really worried
116
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:03,701
about Al and this
other woman.
117
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:07,300
Oh, who cares about
your petty problems?
118
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,267
I'm a helmet-head!
119
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,801
BOY [ON STREET]:
Look! It's the Pope!
120
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,734
Lick a wall socket!
121
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:27,434
Don't worry.
Just do what I said,
122
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:30,267
and your girlfriend
will never find out
you're cheating on her.
123
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:32,701
Trust me.
I'm an expert.
124
00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:34,067
All right.
I'll see you tonight
125
00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:35,767
under the bleachers.
126
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,834
Oh, and this time,
127
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:41,133
leave your camera at home.
Thanks. Bye.
128
00:07:41,133 --> 00:07:43,701
Kelly, I wanna talk to you
about something.
129
00:07:43,701 --> 00:07:46,267
I'm a good girl,
Mommy.
130
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,968
I said no camera.
131
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,367
Oh, I don't care
what you do.
132
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:51,734
This is about me.
133
00:07:51,734 --> 00:07:53,667
Bud, get lost.
134
00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:58,801
Honey, look.
135
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:00,567
You've obviously
been "the other woman"
136
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,567
ever since you learned
137
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,868
to slit your diapers
up the side.
138
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:10,734
But tell me,
139
00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:13,367
how come their girlfriends
never find out?
140
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,968
Well, you know,
141
00:08:14,968 --> 00:08:17,000
people throw the word
"hussy" around,
142
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,167
but they don't understand
143
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:21,501
the research
and preparation involved.
144
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,868
No guy walks
away from me
145
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,667
without lessons in
the art of cover-up.
146
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,901
And the number
of the free clinic.
147
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:40,133
Go look in the mirror
and twitch.
148
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,934
Anyway, the first thing
that I teach them
149
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:44,434
is that a woman
can pick up the scent
150
00:08:44,434 --> 00:08:46,067
of another woman on her man.
151
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,100
So, to get rid of it,
152
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,033
I have them rub
their hands in the grass.
153
00:08:49,033 --> 00:08:50,667
Does he ask you to move,
154
00:08:50,667 --> 00:08:54,033
or does he
work around you?
155
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,934
Is there no kennel
that will take him?
156
00:08:57,934 --> 00:08:59,200
Bud, please.
157
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,934
We both know
your sister's not a tramp.
158
00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:02,400
She's just popular.
159
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:06,534
Ok. Date's over.
Your smell's off him.
160
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:07,701
Now what?
161
00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:10,434
[SIGHS]
Always make sure
they have an excuse.
162
00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:12,067
Somewhere
they've been. Um...
163
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,000
The library,
their parole officer,
164
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,634
the drunk tank.
165
00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:17,634
Bowling?
166
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:19,567
Well, that works
for older guys.
167
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:23,534
Hm. Your father's
out bowling tonight.
168
00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:25,167
Oh, well,
I mean--
169
00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:27,734
I meant people older
than Daddy.
170
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,434
Are there any?
171
00:09:30,434 --> 00:09:32,667
Hey, Mom.
172
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:34,267
Do you think
Dad's cheating on you?
173
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:36,300
Oh, of course not.
174
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,901
Good. 'Cause we
don't wanna see
175
00:09:37,901 --> 00:09:39,400
you and Dad
break up.
176
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,901
We're almost like
a family here.
177
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:45,234
You two should stay
together forever.
178
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:46,400
However,
179
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,434
if you find
that you can't,
180
00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:50,801
may I suggest
Mr. Rudnick, the butcher?
181
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:52,067
He makes
a nice living.
182
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:54,133
We'd always have
fresh meat on the table
183
00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:57,868
and season tickets
to the Cubs.
184
00:09:57,868 --> 00:10:01,801
Can't say I like the sound
of Bud Rudnick.
185
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:04,400
But pound for pound,
he's the better father.
186
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,367
Oh, wait.
Not so fast, Bud.
187
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:07,400
I've been scoping out
188
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,701
Mr. Fletcher,
the dry cleaner.
189
00:10:09,701 --> 00:10:13,734
He's got a Porsche,
cable TV and a bad heart.
190
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:19,334
Rudnick.
191
00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:20,334
Fletcher.
192
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:21,734
Rudnick!
Fletcher!
193
00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:23,434
Kids!
194
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:26,334
Now, your father and I
love each other very much.
195
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,100
And I'm gonna do
everything in my power
196
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,234
to make sure
we stay together.
197
00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:32,467
Then what did you get us
all excited for?
198
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:37,000
Is this another one
of your cruel jokes?
199
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,033
Yeah, what are we,
200
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:40,100
just playthings
for your amusement?
201
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,000
Oh, that reminds me.
I'm late for my date.
202
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:47,901
AL:
Hi, Kelly.
203
00:10:47,901 --> 00:10:49,000
Hey,
204
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,300
what are you throwing
the grass on me for?
205
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:59,534
KELLY:
'Cause I don't
wanna be a Rudnick.
206
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,767
Hello, Al.
207
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,634
How was, uh...
bowling?
208
00:11:04,634 --> 00:11:10,934
Well, Peg,
it was, uh...fine.
209
00:11:10,934 --> 00:11:13,634
Good.
210
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:15,100
[SNIFFS WILDLY]
211
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:20,834
[SNIFFS]
212
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:24,701
Well, Peg,
what's next?
213
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:26,033
We go out,
find a fire hydrant,
214
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,067
lift our legs?
215
00:11:30,234 --> 00:11:31,434
I just wanted
to make sure
216
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:34,667
all the smells
are where they should be.
217
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:36,501
Ooh!
218
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:39,300
And they are.
219
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:42,601
Is that a burger
I smell on your breath?
220
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:44,601
No, Peg,
it's our wedding cake.
221
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:46,834
That's the last time
I ate.
222
00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:49,567
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
223
00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,334
What's going on
around here?
224
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:52,868
I might ask you
the same thing,
225
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:55,601
Mr. 24-inch Sony.
226
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:57,067
Don't call me a TV
in my own home.
227
00:11:57,067 --> 00:12:00,200
You're a TV.
228
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,234
BUD [UPSTAIRS]:
Dad, it's for you. Some woman.
229
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,300
Hello.
230
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:09,167
Yeah.
231
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,534
Oh, yeah.
I guess I can make it.
232
00:12:10,534 --> 00:12:13,434
Ok, yeah, yeah.
Bye.
233
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,400
That was
Jim Bauer's wife.
234
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,868
It looks like he got some kind
of stomach flu or something.
235
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:19,767
It looks like I got to
work for him at the store
236
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:20,801
the rest of the week.
237
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,033
Anything for supper?
238
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:24,167
I hate you, Al.
239
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:29,267
Toaster!
240
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,934
[SIZZLING]
241
00:12:32,934 --> 00:12:35,000
PEG:
I'll show that woman
she's not the only one
242
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,734
who can cook a burger.
243
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:41,167
Oh, so...
244
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:43,501
So you, like,
reverse it?
245
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:48,167
It's called
"flipping it over."
246
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,167
That way, it gets cooked
on both sides.
247
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:51,968
Oh. Gee.
248
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:55,167
I wonder if that would work
with pancakes?
249
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,200
Oh, Marcy,
I can't believe it.
250
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,934
I've taken the best years
of Al's life,
251
00:13:01,934 --> 00:13:04,701
and this is how
he thanks me.
252
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,067
Peggy, I really
don't think
253
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,801
Al's cheating on you.
254
00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:10,667
I took an impromptu poll
of all the women I know,
255
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:13,200
and as far as
his desirability,
256
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:18,067
Al ranked below Alf.
257
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,634
Which means
they'd rather make love
258
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:26,234
to a piece of cloth
with a man's hand in it...
259
00:13:26,234 --> 00:13:28,300
than with your husband.
260
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,868
What if he is
cheatin' on me?
261
00:13:30,868 --> 00:13:32,534
Stand by your man...
262
00:13:32,534 --> 00:13:34,534
in court.
263
00:13:34,534 --> 00:13:35,634
Take him for
everything,
264
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,567
and get yourself
another man.
265
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,000
A real man.
266
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,634
I don't want
a real man.
267
00:13:41,634 --> 00:13:43,167
I want Al.
268
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:49,801
Why?
269
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:52,000
Oh, I don't know.
270
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,000
Have you ever had
271
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,100
a favorite pair
of old shoes?
272
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,701
They're boring
and ugly
273
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:59,100
and stink
to high heaven.
274
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,367
But they're yours,
you know?
275
00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:03,434
They're worn down
and broken in,
276
00:14:03,434 --> 00:14:05,234
and when you
put 'em on,
277
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:07,234
it feels like
there's nothing there.
278
00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:12,000
Ha, ha, ha.
That's my Al.
279
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,167
I've lost my
stinkin' Al.
280
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:15,734
Aw...
281
00:14:15,734 --> 00:14:17,000
Not yet.
282
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,534
I told you, I had Steve
wear a disguise
283
00:14:19,534 --> 00:14:22,367
and follow Al
since last night.
284
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,000
He has nothing else
to do,
285
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:28,000
because he won't go near me
with this hair.
286
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:36,367
Hello, Peggy.
287
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:37,834
Bee-woman.
288
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:44,334
So, what'd ya find out
about Al?
289
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:47,200
I found out that he has
the most pathetic life
290
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,701
of any creature
on this planet...
291
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:52,000
and has nicer hair
than my wife.
292
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,100
Heh, heh, heh!
293
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:56,033
[SNAPS FINGERS]
294
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:58,234
Uh... Ahem...
Now for my report.
295
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:04,601
"Subject arrived at work
at 7 p.m. last night.
296
00:15:04,601 --> 00:15:10,901
"Wept till 7:30.
Then turned on lights.
297
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:14,300
"Inventory till 8:30.
Bathroom till 10.
298
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:20,400
"10:07: Ate dinner consisting of
packaged condiments
299
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,334
"he lifted from Barney Dog.
300
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:29,067
"10:31: The mall
security guard comes by,
301
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,534
"clubs me about the head
and ears
302
00:15:30,534 --> 00:15:31,834
and takes my watch."
303
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,701
So from here on,
304
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:38,734
I don't know what time
anything happens.
305
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:39,834
"Went home."
306
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,367
Looked at the
sleeping Klingon
307
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:47,467
that used to be
my wife--
308
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:49,767
Come on, lice-capade.
309
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:51,601
Is he cheatin' on me
or not?
310
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:56,167
Absolutely not.
311
00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:57,767
You are a liar.
312
00:15:57,767 --> 00:16:00,234
All you men
stick together.
313
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:01,400
Yeah.
314
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,834
You probably weren't even
watching Al.
315
00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:05,868
Where have you been?
316
00:16:05,868 --> 00:16:09,133
You got me.
317
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:12,133
An old girlfriend,
Kathleen Turner, was in town.
318
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:14,801
So I rubbed some
grime and lice on my body,
319
00:16:14,801 --> 00:16:17,334
and we went
dumpster hopping.
320
00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:19,601
Well, you hate my hair
so much,
321
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:21,501
you'd really do that,
wouldn't you?
322
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:23,868
Well...
323
00:16:23,868 --> 00:16:26,367
Yeah.
324
00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:29,067
Well, let's just see
Kathleen Turner
325
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:30,801
make melon balls
for you.
326
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:32,334
I'm sorry.
327
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:33,801
I'm sorry!
328
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:38,367
Hey, Peg.
329
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:39,767
I just saw
Steve and Marcy.
330
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:43,133
Boy, Marcy looks
ridiculous.
331
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:44,133
Hi, Al.
332
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,133
Honey, look.
333
00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:46,133
Look, look, look.
334
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,701
I-- I made you
a hamburger,
335
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:51,734
and I even cooked it
on both sides.
336
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:53,434
Well, Peg,
I'm not hungry.
337
00:16:53,434 --> 00:16:56,868
I filled up at the store
on ketchup and mustard.
338
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:58,501
Besides,
I'm going bowling tonight.
339
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,367
Oh, no,
you're not.
340
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,200
I know what
you're up to.
341
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,934
You're making the 7-10 split
with some blonde floozy.
342
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:08,567
That's what
this is about?
343
00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:10,467
You think I'm
cheating on you?
344
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:12,601
Well, what else
am I gonna think?
345
00:17:12,601 --> 00:17:14,133
You go to work,
come home.
346
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,868
I'm not blind,
you know.
347
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:20,834
Peg, sit down.
348
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:27,167
Honey,
you're an idiot.
349
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,901
You think that just because
I don't tell ya I love ya,
350
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:35,701
I don't wanna
spend any time with ya,
351
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:37,968
and your voice
often makes me cringe,
352
00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:40,534
that I want
another woman?
353
00:17:40,534 --> 00:17:43,467
You're the only one
for me.
354
00:17:43,467 --> 00:17:44,601
You really mean that?
355
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:46,000
Well, sure.
What do I always say?
356
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,300
"Why go out for milk
when you got a cow at home?"
357
00:17:56,834 --> 00:17:59,868
Oh, honey.
358
00:17:59,868 --> 00:18:02,667
You really do love me.
359
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:05,501
Let's go upstairs
and have sex right now.
360
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,567
Now, honey, you know
what I always say:
361
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:10,267
"No."
362
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,634
Now, look, Peg.
363
00:18:11,634 --> 00:18:13,868
I gotta go upstairs
and wash the feet off my hands.
364
00:18:13,868 --> 00:18:19,367
I know you're cheatin' on me,
and I'll find out.
365
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:20,968
Mark my words.
366
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:23,868
I'll win you back.
And when I do,
367
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:27,634
you better pack your bags,
'cause you're out of here.
368
00:18:28,868 --> 00:18:32,534
Look at her. Sitting there,
all blond and pretty.
369
00:18:32,534 --> 00:18:36,267
I bet Al takes his socks off
for her.
370
00:18:36,267 --> 00:18:37,267
Mine doesn't even
371
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:40,767
take the cigar
out of his mouth.
372
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:41,767
Mine does.
373
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:44,667
He rests it
on my forehead.
374
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:50,100
Oh, what could
he see in her?
375
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,434
Now, you know how I like it.
Just even out the ends,
376
00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:53,834
but don't lose any length.
377
00:18:53,834 --> 00:18:55,300
He likes it long.
Ha!
378
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,167
That's what
turns him on.
379
00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,934
Oh, does it,
Al?
380
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:01,334
Marcy,
381
00:19:01,334 --> 00:19:06,033
could you subtly distract
the hairdresser?
382
00:19:06,033 --> 00:19:08,734
The one who did
my hair?
383
00:19:08,734 --> 00:19:11,100
I'll try.
384
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:35,901
Remember,
just the ends.
385
00:19:35,901 --> 00:19:37,334
Leave it long.
386
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:41,000
[MIMICKING HAIRDRESSER]
Just like he likes it.
387
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:44,234
So, uh,
388
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,868
how many husbands
have you stolen?
389
00:19:46,868 --> 00:19:49,267
Hm. Ten or 12.
390
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:50,934
But the year
is still young. Ha!
391
00:19:50,934 --> 00:19:53,367
And the best part is,
I've never been caught.
392
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:57,467
Oh!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
393
00:19:57,467 --> 00:20:00,033
Ah!
394
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,400
I guess you're just
too smart for 'em, huh?
395
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,167
You know, I've even had sex
in their own beds
396
00:20:06,167 --> 00:20:07,767
while their wives
were out shopping.
397
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:08,968
Ha, ha, ha!
398
00:20:08,968 --> 00:20:13,601
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
399
00:20:13,601 --> 00:20:16,133
[SINGS WORDLESSLY,
LAUGHING]
400
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:20,367
Um...
401
00:20:20,367 --> 00:20:22,234
Just keep on reading,
honey,
402
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:26,734
and I'll get right back,
and we'll get started.
403
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:29,567
Hi, Al.
404
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,367
What brings you here?
405
00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:33,634
Well, judging by the condition
of my bowling ball,
406
00:20:33,634 --> 00:20:39,133
I figured you might be
in a mood.
407
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:40,501
Aw, look, honey.
What the hell.
408
00:20:40,501 --> 00:20:42,300
I been thinking.
You know, we're married.
409
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:46,601
You deserve a jump
every now and then.
410
00:20:46,601 --> 00:20:47,701
So I checked
the TV Guide.
411
00:20:47,701 --> 00:20:49,267
There's nothing on
Saturday night.
412
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:50,367
So what say
we make a date
413
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:51,868
somewhere between
eight and 8:30
414
00:20:51,868 --> 00:20:55,267
during Mr. Belvedere.
415
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,033
Well, maybe we could go
a little longer
416
00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,968
if I were wearing this.
417
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:01,467
What do I care
what you're wearing?
418
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:05,300
I'll just be
watching the clock.
419
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:06,334
Come on.
420
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:07,501
I want you
to meet someone.
421
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:08,634
Okay.
422
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,701
Hi.
423
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:12,400
Hi.
Who's this?
424
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,834
Who's this?
425
00:21:14,834 --> 00:21:16,834
You mean, you're not
sleepin' with him?
426
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:20,367
Ha, please.
Even I have standards.
427
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:22,868
Ha, ha, ha!
428
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,200
So you were really jealous,
huh, Peg?
429
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:29,100
Well,
who can blame you?
430
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:30,100
Stallion like me
431
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,067
only comes around
once a year.
432
00:21:33,067 --> 00:21:37,100
Exactly once a year.
433
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:38,801
Yeah. I guess it was
pretty silly of me
434
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:41,868
thinkin' you were
cheatin'. Ha, ha, ha!
435
00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:44,767
How stupid!
Ha, ha, ha!
436
00:21:44,767 --> 00:21:46,701
Like someone else
would have you.
437
00:21:46,701 --> 00:21:49,667
Oh, I feel like
such a fool.
438
00:21:49,667 --> 00:21:52,400
I mean, you are a middle-aged
shoe salesman.
439
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,567
Some woman would have to be
pretty darn desperate--
440
00:21:54,567 --> 00:21:55,634
Ok, Peg.
441
00:21:55,634 --> 00:21:58,868
That's enough
of an apology now.
442
00:21:58,868 --> 00:22:01,868
Good night.
443
00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:07,667
Al.
Leave me alone.
444
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:08,968
Oh, well.
445
00:22:08,968 --> 00:22:10,200
At least
it's nice to know
446
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,667
I'm the only one
you're not doin' it with.
447
00:22:12,667 --> 00:22:15,300
Ha, ha, ha!
448
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,434
Good night, honey.
449
00:22:37,567 --> 00:22:39,767
[***]1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:06,601
[***]
2
00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:15,934
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
3
00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:32,367
[ALARM BUZZES]
4
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:35,467
[TURNS ALARM OFF]
Aah!
5
00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,701
Good morning, honey.
6
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:43,300
BOTH:
Uugh...
7
00:01:43,335 --> 00:01:45,132
Mwah.
8
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:48,065
Gee, you were great
last night, Al.
9
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,000
You snored "Vaya con Dios"
in your sleep,
10
00:01:51,035 --> 00:01:51,965
while your nose hairs
11
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,566
swayed romantically
to the beat.
12
00:01:54,601 --> 00:01:57,117
Yeah, you were pretty good
yourself, Peg.
13
00:01:57,152 --> 00:01:59,642
You sweated your silhouette
on the sheets.
14
00:01:59,677 --> 00:02:02,133
Oh, honey, let's do
something special tonight.
15
00:02:02,168 --> 00:02:04,232
You know, like we used to.
16
00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:06,400
You mean, like, I say
I don't wanna get married,
17
00:02:06,435 --> 00:02:08,217
and you
book the hall?
18
00:02:08,252 --> 00:02:09,965
Actually,
I was thinking
19
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,934
we could find
someplace romantic
20
00:02:11,969 --> 00:02:14,051
and grope each other
in the dark.
21
00:02:14,086 --> 00:02:16,133
I couldn't find anything
in the dark.
22
00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:18,917
None of
the important parts
23
00:02:18,952 --> 00:02:21,632
are where
they used to be.
24
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:24,383
Actually,
you couldn't find them
25
00:02:24,418 --> 00:02:26,409
in the light, either.
Ha, ha, ha.
26
00:02:26,444 --> 00:02:28,172
Pillow talk
all you want, Peg,
27
00:02:28,207 --> 00:02:29,901
but tonight's
bowling night.
28
00:02:29,936 --> 00:02:32,085
I can't be with you.
29
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,199
I'm gonna have fun.
30
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:35,534
Well, it's just as well.
31
00:02:35,569 --> 00:02:36,799
I'm gonna be pretty tired
32
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:38,534
after a whole day
in the beauty parlor.
33
00:02:38,569 --> 00:02:39,799
Ha, ha, ha.
34
00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,734
I guess we can't
put it off any longer.
35
00:02:41,769 --> 00:02:43,634
We've both got a lot
to do. Come on.
36
00:02:43,669 --> 00:02:46,367
[AL GRUNTS]
[PEG SIGHS]
37
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,566
Ah!
38
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,534
What do you want
for breakfast, honey?
39
00:02:50,569 --> 00:02:51,499
Bacon and eggs?
40
00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:54,466
AL:
Ah, that'd be great.
41
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:57,567
Good. While you're at it,
make me some too.
42
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,632
[CUSTOMERS LAUGH]
43
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,400
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
How 'bout this:
44
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,632
How much would it take
45
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:08,767
for you to do
the deed of darkness
46
00:03:08,802 --> 00:03:11,368
with Garry Shandling?
47
00:03:11,403 --> 00:03:13,934
[IN UNISON]
Ewww!
48
00:03:13,969 --> 00:03:15,299
Ten million.
49
00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:17,000
Twenty if he
wants to talk.
50
00:03:17,035 --> 00:03:19,566
[ALL LAUGH]
51
00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:22,133
How about
with Sonya's husband?
52
00:03:22,168 --> 00:03:24,466
[IN UNISON]
Ewww!
53
00:03:24,501 --> 00:03:27,934
We'll be with you
in a minute, Mrs. Rhoades.
54
00:03:27,969 --> 00:03:30,232
Oh...
55
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,866
I'm kind of
nervous about this.
56
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:35,000
I don't like new people
doing my hair.
57
00:03:35,035 --> 00:03:36,132
Why did Mr. Maurice
58
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:40,050
have to get in that
slap fight with Julio?
59
00:03:40,085 --> 00:03:43,009
Don't worry, Marcy.
You'll look great.
60
00:03:43,044 --> 00:03:45,934
They're known for
tailoring each hairdo
61
00:03:45,969 --> 00:03:47,067
to the individual.
62
00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:01,300
So when was the last time
you got it, Peggy? Hooh!
63
00:04:01,335 --> 00:04:02,934
Got it,
or got it good?
64
00:04:02,969 --> 00:04:03,934
[ALL LAUGH]
65
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,733
Bleached.
66
00:04:12,768 --> 00:04:15,167
Siliconed.
67
00:04:15,202 --> 00:04:17,334
Kept.
68
00:04:17,369 --> 00:04:19,467
Happy.
69
00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:24,050
We're ready for you now,
Mrs. Rhoades,
70
00:04:24,085 --> 00:04:26,599
and we're gonna
make you beautiful.
71
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,300
Do you sell insurance,
like at the airport?
72
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:35,000
What's wrong with
our husbands, anyway?
73
00:04:35,035 --> 00:04:35,965
We go out
of our way
74
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,801
to look beautiful
for them,
75
00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:39,098
and all we are
76
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:42,033
are things to strike
a match on.
77
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:43,833
I know.
78
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,566
The only time
Al looks at me
79
00:04:45,601 --> 00:04:49,017
is when he wants
the cap off his beer.
80
00:04:49,052 --> 00:04:52,434
As if his teeth
aren't as good as mine!
81
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,200
I'll tell ya, if I could get
the paper boy
82
00:04:58,235 --> 00:05:00,400
to come up for some
hot cocoa just once,
83
00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:03,534
I'd chuck my husband
in a second.
84
00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:05,065
Husbands.
85
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,767
Actually, husbands
are wonderful...
86
00:05:07,802 --> 00:05:09,567
if they're not
your own.
87
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:15,367
Well, they're grateful for
the smallest bit of attention.
88
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,834
They're horny
as all get-out.
89
00:05:17,869 --> 00:05:19,165
And the best part of it:
90
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,899
their spirit's
already been broken.
91
00:05:22,934 --> 00:05:26,367
Well, isn't breaking it
part of the fun?
92
00:05:26,402 --> 00:05:29,034
Oh, no. The fun is
the condos, the cars
93
00:05:29,069 --> 00:05:31,667
and the sex every night.
Ha, ha, ha!
94
00:05:31,702 --> 00:05:32,833
Oh, believe me,
95
00:05:32,868 --> 00:05:37,334
the best things in life
are someone else's.
96
00:05:37,369 --> 00:05:39,884
Well, when do you
get to see him?
97
00:05:39,919 --> 00:05:42,400
I mean,
how do husbands get out?
98
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:46,065
Well, they may
appear stupid,
99
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:49,367
but they usually find
an excuse to get away.
100
00:05:49,402 --> 00:05:50,634
Usually bowling.
101
00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:55,684
That's what
my current guy says.
102
00:05:55,719 --> 00:05:57,833
He is married
to a real shrew.
103
00:05:57,868 --> 00:06:00,767
She doesn't cook for him.
She doesn't clean for him.
104
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,234
Well, it's so easy
to please a man who has nothing.
105
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,199
Fry him up a burger,
106
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:13,566
and you get a 24-inch Sony.
107
00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:16,901
Are you ready for your
color now, dear?
108
00:06:16,936 --> 00:06:17,899
Oh, sure.
109
00:06:17,934 --> 00:06:20,033
Now, don't let it
go red.
110
00:06:20,068 --> 00:06:20,998
He says that color
111
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:23,200
makes him want
to throw up.
112
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:32,400
Hey, everybody,
Al's cheating on Peggy!
113
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:37,734
PEG [UPSTAIRS]:
Oh, Marcy, stop complaining.
114
00:06:37,769 --> 00:06:39,534
I think you look great.
115
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,284
Oh, Marcy,
I'm really worried
116
00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:03,666
about Al and this
other woman.
117
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:07,300
Oh, who cares about
your petty problems?
118
00:07:07,335 --> 00:07:09,267
I'm a helmet-head!
119
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,801
BOY [ON STREET]:
Look! It's the Pope!
120
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,734
Lick a wall socket!
121
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:27,399
Don't worry.
Just do what I said,
122
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:30,267
and your girlfriend will never
find out you're cheating on her.
123
00:07:30,302 --> 00:07:32,666
Trust me.
I'm an expert.
124
00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:34,067
All right.
I'll see you tonight
125
00:07:34,102 --> 00:07:35,968
under the bleachers.
126
00:07:36,003 --> 00:07:37,799
Oh, and this time,
127
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:40,767
leave your camera at home.
Thanks. Bye.
128
00:07:40,802 --> 00:07:43,701
Kelly, I wanna talk to you
about something.
129
00:07:43,736 --> 00:07:46,267
I'm a good girl,
Mommy.
130
00:07:46,302 --> 00:07:48,933
I said no camera.
131
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,367
Oh, I don't care
what you do.
132
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:52,034
This is about me.
133
00:07:52,069 --> 00:07:53,667
Bud, get lost.
134
00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:58,766
Honey, look.
135
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:00,567
You've obviously
been "the other woman"
136
00:08:00,602 --> 00:08:01,532
ever since you learned
137
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,868
to slit your diapers
up the side.
138
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:10,699
But tell me,
139
00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:13,367
how come their girlfriends
never find out?
140
00:08:13,402 --> 00:08:14,933
Well, you know,
141
00:08:14,968 --> 00:08:17,000
people throw the word
"hussy" around,
142
00:08:17,035 --> 00:08:18,132
but they don't understand
143
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:21,501
the research
and preparation involved.
144
00:08:21,536 --> 00:08:22,833
No guy walks
away from me
145
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,667
without lessons in
the art of cover-up.
146
00:08:25,702 --> 00:08:28,901
And the number
of the free clinic.
147
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:40,098
Go look in the mirror
and twitch.
148
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,283
Anyway, the first thing
that I teach them
149
00:08:42,318 --> 00:08:44,434
is that a woman
can pick up the scent
150
00:08:44,469 --> 00:08:46,067
of another woman on her man.
151
00:08:46,102 --> 00:08:47,065
So, to get rid of it,
152
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,033
I have them rub
their hands in the grass.
153
00:08:49,068 --> 00:08:51,550
Does he ask you to move,
154
00:08:51,585 --> 00:08:53,998
or does he
work around you?
155
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,934
Is there no kennel
that will take him?
156
00:08:57,969 --> 00:08:59,165
Bud, please.
157
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,934
We both know
your sister's not a tramp.
158
00:09:00,969 --> 00:09:02,365
She's just popular.
159
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:06,534
Ok. Date's over.
Your smell's off him.
160
00:09:06,569 --> 00:09:07,666
Now what?
161
00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:10,434
[SIGHS] Always make
sure they have an excuse.
162
00:09:10,469 --> 00:09:12,032
Somewhere
they've been. Um...
163
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,000
The library,
their parole officer,
164
00:09:14,035 --> 00:09:15,634
the drunk tank.
165
00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:17,599
Bowling?
166
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:19,532
Well, that works
for older guys.
167
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:23,534
Hm. Your father's
out bowling tonight.
168
00:09:23,569 --> 00:09:25,132
Oh, well,
I mean...
169
00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:27,734
I meant people older
than Daddy.
170
00:09:27,769 --> 00:09:30,434
Are there any?
171
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:32,632
Hey, Mom.
172
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:34,267
Do you think
Dad's cheating on you?
173
00:09:34,302 --> 00:09:36,265
Oh, of course not.
174
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,901
Good. 'Cause we
don't wanna see
175
00:09:37,936 --> 00:09:39,365
you and Dad
break up.
176
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,866
We're almost like
a family here.
177
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:45,234
You two should stay
together forever.
178
00:09:45,269 --> 00:09:46,365
However,
179
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,399
if you find
that you can't,
180
00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:50,801
may I suggest
Mr. Rudnick, the butcher?
181
00:09:50,836 --> 00:09:52,032
He makes
a nice living.
182
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:54,133
We'd always have
fresh meat on the table
183
00:09:54,168 --> 00:09:57,833
and season tickets
to the Cubs.
184
00:09:57,868 --> 00:10:01,134
Can't say I like the sound
of Bud Rudnick.
185
00:10:01,169 --> 00:10:04,400
But pound for pound,
he's the better father.
186
00:10:04,435 --> 00:10:06,367
Oh, wait.
Not so fast, Bud.
187
00:10:06,402 --> 00:10:07,365
I've been scoping out
188
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,666
Mr. Fletcher,
the dry cleaner.
189
00:10:09,701 --> 00:10:13,734
He's got a Porsche,
cable TV and a bad heart.
190
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:19,334
Rudnick.
191
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,299
Fletcher.
192
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:21,734
Rudnick!
Fletcher!
193
00:10:21,769 --> 00:10:23,399
Kids!
194
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:26,334
Now, your father and I
love each other very much.
195
00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:28,100
And I'm gonna do
everything in my power
196
00:10:28,135 --> 00:10:30,199
to make sure
we stay together.
197
00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:32,467
Then what did you get us
all excited for?
198
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:37,000
Is this another one
of your cruel jokes?
199
00:10:37,035 --> 00:10:37,998
Yeah, what are we,
200
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:40,065
just playthings
for your amusement?
201
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,000
Oh, that reminds me.
I'm late for my date.
202
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:47,901
AL:
Hi, Kelly.
203
00:10:47,936 --> 00:10:48,965
Hey,
204
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,300
what are you throwing
the grass on me for?
205
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:59,534
KELLY: 'Cause I don't
wanna be a Rudnick.
206
00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:01,732
Hello, Al.
207
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,599
How was, uh...
bowling?
208
00:11:04,634 --> 00:11:10,934
Well, Peg,
it was, uh... fine.
209
00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:13,599
Good.
210
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:15,100
[SNIFFS WILDLY]
211
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:20,834
[SNIFFS]
212
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:24,666
Well, Peg,
what's next?
213
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:26,033
We go out,
find a fire hydrant,
214
00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:28,067
lift our legs?
215
00:11:30,234 --> 00:11:31,399
I just wanted
to make sure
216
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:34,667
all the smells
are where they should be.
217
00:11:34,702 --> 00:11:36,466
Ooh!
218
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:39,265
And they are.
219
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:42,601
Is that a burger
I smell on your breath?
220
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,735
No, Peg,
it's our wedding cake.
221
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,834
That's the last time
I ate.
222
00:11:46,869 --> 00:11:49,532
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
223
00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,217
What's going on
around here?
224
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:52,868
I might ask you
the same thing,
225
00:11:52,903 --> 00:11:55,566
Mr. 24-inch Sony.
226
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:57,067
Don't call me a TV
in my own home.
227
00:11:57,102 --> 00:12:00,165
You're a TV.
228
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,234
BUD [UPSTAIRS]:
Dad, it's for you. Some woman.
229
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,467
Hello.
230
00:12:07,502 --> 00:12:09,132
Yeah.
231
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,534
Oh, yeah.
I guess I can make it.
232
00:12:10,569 --> 00:12:13,399
Ok, yeah, yeah.
Bye.
233
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,365
That was
Jim Bauer's wife.
234
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,868
It looks like he got some kind
of stomach flu or something.
235
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:19,767
It looks like I got to
work for him at the store
236
00:12:19,802 --> 00:12:20,917
the rest of the week.
237
00:12:20,952 --> 00:12:22,033
Anything for supper?
238
00:12:22,068 --> 00:12:24,167
I hate you, Al.
239
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:29,267
Toaster!
240
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,899
[SIZZLING]
241
00:12:32,934 --> 00:12:35,000
PEG: I'll show that woman
she's not the only one
242
00:12:35,035 --> 00:12:36,734
who can cook a burger.
243
00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:41,132
Oh, so...
244
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:43,501
So you, like,
reverse it?
245
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:48,132
It's called
"flipping it over. "
246
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,167
That way, it gets cooked
on both sides.
247
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:51,933
Oh. Gee.
248
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:55,167
I wonder if that would work
with pancakes?
249
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,165
Oh, Marcy,
I can't believe it.
250
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,934
I've taken the best years
of Al's life,
251
00:13:01,969 --> 00:13:04,018
and this is how
he thanks me.
252
00:13:04,053 --> 00:13:06,067
Peggy, I really
don't think
253
00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:07,766
Al's cheating on you.
254
00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:10,667
I took an impromptu poll
of all the women I know,
255
00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:13,200
and as far as
his desirability,
256
00:13:13,235 --> 00:13:18,032
Al ranked below Alf.
257
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,599
Which means
they'd rather make love
258
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:26,234
to a piece of cloth
with a man's hand in it...
259
00:13:26,269 --> 00:13:28,265
than with your husband.
260
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,868
What if he is
cheatin' on me?
261
00:13:30,903 --> 00:13:32,534
Stand by your man...
262
00:13:32,569 --> 00:13:34,499
in court.
263
00:13:34,534 --> 00:13:35,599
Take him for
everything,
264
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,567
and get yourself
another man.
265
00:13:37,602 --> 00:13:38,965
A real man.
266
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,634
I don't want
a real man.
267
00:13:41,669 --> 00:13:43,167
I want Al.
268
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:49,766
Why?
269
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,400
Oh, I don't know.
270
00:13:51,435 --> 00:13:52,965
Have you ever had
271
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,100
a favorite pair
of old shoes?
272
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:57,117
They're boring
and ugly
273
00:13:57,152 --> 00:13:59,259
and stink
to high heaven.
274
00:13:59,294 --> 00:14:01,364
But they're yours,
you know?
275
00:14:01,399 --> 00:14:03,434
They're worn down
and broken in,
276
00:14:03,469 --> 00:14:05,199
and when you
put 'em on,
277
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:07,234
it feels like
there's nothing there.
278
00:14:07,269 --> 00:14:10,718
Ha, ha, ha.
That's my Al.
279
00:14:10,753 --> 00:14:14,167
I've lost my
stinkin' Al.
280
00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:15,601
Aw...
281
00:14:15,636 --> 00:14:16,965
Not yet.
282
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,534
I told you, I had Steve
wear a disguise
283
00:14:19,569 --> 00:14:22,367
and follow Al
since last night.
284
00:14:22,402 --> 00:14:23,965
He has nothing else
to do,
285
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:28,000
because he won't go near me
with this hair.
286
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:35,901
Hello, Peggy.
287
00:14:35,936 --> 00:14:37,834
Bee-woman.
288
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:44,299
So, what'd ya find out
about Al?
289
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:47,200
I found out that he has
the most pathetic life
290
00:14:47,235 --> 00:14:49,617
of any creature
on this planet...
291
00:14:49,652 --> 00:14:52,000
and has nicer hair
than my wife.
292
00:14:52,035 --> 00:14:53,100
Heh, heh, heh!
293
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:55,998
[SNAPS FINGERS]
294
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:58,234
Uh... Ahem...
Now for my report.
295
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:04,601
"Subject arrived at work
at 7 p. m. last night.
296
00:15:04,636 --> 00:15:09,468
"Wept till 7:30.
Then turned on lights.
297
00:15:09,503 --> 00:15:14,300
"Inventory till 8:30.
Bathroom till 10.
298
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:20,400
"10:07: Ate dinner consisting of
packaged condiments
299
00:15:20,435 --> 00:15:22,334
"he lifted from Barney Dog.
300
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:29,067
"10:31: The mall
security guard comes by,
301
00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:30,534
"clubs me about the head
and ears
302
00:15:30,569 --> 00:15:31,834
and takes my watch. "
303
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,666
So from here on,
304
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:38,734
I don't know what time
anything happens.
305
00:15:38,769 --> 00:15:39,834
"Went home. "
306
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,367
Looked at the
sleeping Klingon
307
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,467
that used to be
my wife...
308
00:15:47,502 --> 00:15:49,732
Come on, lice-capade.
309
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:51,601
Is he cheatin' on me
or not?
310
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,550
Absolutely not.
311
00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:57,732
You are a liar.
312
00:15:57,767 --> 00:16:00,234
All you men
stick together.
313
00:16:00,269 --> 00:16:01,365
Yeah.
314
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,834
You probably weren't even
watching Al.
315
00:16:03,869 --> 00:16:05,868
Where have you been?
316
00:16:05,903 --> 00:16:09,098
You got me.
317
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:12,133
An old girlfriend,
Kathleen Turner, was in town.
318
00:16:12,168 --> 00:16:14,801
So I rubbed some
grime and lice on my body,
319
00:16:14,836 --> 00:16:17,218
and we went
dumpster hopping.
320
00:16:17,253 --> 00:16:19,377
Well, you hate my hair
so much,
321
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,501
you'd really do that,
wouldn't you?
322
00:16:21,536 --> 00:16:23,951
Well...
323
00:16:23,986 --> 00:16:26,332
Yeah.
324
00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:29,067
Well, let's just see
Kathleen Turner
325
00:16:29,102 --> 00:16:30,801
make melon balls
for you.
326
00:16:30,836 --> 00:16:32,318
I'm sorry.
327
00:16:32,353 --> 00:16:33,801
I'm sorry!
328
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:38,332
Hey, Peg.
329
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,750
I just saw
Steve and Marcy.
330
00:16:40,785 --> 00:16:43,133
Boy, Marcy looks
ridiculous.
331
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,098
Hi, Al.
332
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,098
Honey, look.
333
00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:46,098
Look, look, look.
334
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,666
I... I made you
a hamburger,
335
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:51,734
and I even cooked it
on both sides.
336
00:16:51,769 --> 00:16:53,399
Well, Peg,
I'm not hungry.
337
00:16:53,434 --> 00:16:56,868
I filled up at the store
on ketchup and mustard.
338
00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:58,501
Besides,
I'm going bowling tonight.
339
00:16:58,536 --> 00:17:00,332
Oh, no,
you're not.
340
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,165
I know what
you're up to.
341
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,934
You're making the 7-10 split
with some blonde floozy.
342
00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:08,218
That's what
this is about?
343
00:17:08,253 --> 00:17:10,427
You think I'm
cheating on you?
344
00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,601
Well, what else
am I gonna think?
345
00:17:12,636 --> 00:17:14,252
You go to work,
come home.
346
00:17:14,287 --> 00:17:15,868
I'm not blind,
you know.
347
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:20,834
Peg, sit down.
348
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:27,167
Honey,
you're an idiot.
349
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,901
You think that just because
I don't tell ya I love ya,
350
00:17:32,936 --> 00:17:35,452
I don't wanna
spend any time with ya,
351
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:37,968
and your voice
often makes me cringe,
352
00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:40,735
that I want
another woman?
353
00:17:40,770 --> 00:17:43,467
You're the only one
for me.
354
00:17:43,502 --> 00:17:44,566
You really mean that?
355
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:45,965
Well, sure.
What do I always say?
356
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,300
"Why go out for milk
when you got a cow at home?"
357
00:17:56,834 --> 00:17:59,833
Oh, honey.
358
00:17:59,868 --> 00:18:02,632
You really do love me.
359
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:05,117
Let's go upstairs
and have sex right now.
360
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,567
Now, honey, you know
what I always say:
361
00:18:07,602 --> 00:18:10,232
"No. "
362
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,599
Now, look, Peg.
363
00:18:11,634 --> 00:18:15,500
I gotta go upstairs
and wash the feet off my hands.
364
00:18:15,535 --> 00:18:19,367
I know you're cheatin' on me,
and I'll find out.
365
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:20,933
Mark my words.
366
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:23,833
I'll win you back.
And when I do,
367
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:27,634
you better pack your bags,
'cause you're out of here.
368
00:18:28,868 --> 00:18:32,534
Look at her. Sitting there,
all blond and pretty.
369
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:36,267
I bet Al takes his socks off
for her.
370
00:18:36,302 --> 00:18:37,232
Mine doesn't even
371
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:40,767
take the cigar
out of his mouth.
372
00:18:40,802 --> 00:18:41,732
Mine does.
373
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:44,667
He rests it
on my forehead.
374
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:50,065
Oh, what could
he see in her?
375
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,434
Now, you know how I like it.
Just even out the ends,
376
00:18:52,469 --> 00:18:53,884
but don't lose any length.
377
00:18:53,919 --> 00:18:55,543
He likes it long.
Ha!
378
00:18:55,578 --> 00:18:57,167
That's what
turns him on.
379
00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:59,934
Oh, does it,
Al?
380
00:18:59,969 --> 00:19:01,299
Marcy,
381
00:19:01,334 --> 00:19:06,033
could you subtly distract
the hairdresser?
382
00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:08,734
The one who did
my hair?
383
00:19:08,769 --> 00:19:11,100
I'll try.
384
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:35,901
Remember,
just the ends.
385
00:19:35,936 --> 00:19:37,299
Leave it long.
386
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:41,000
[MIMICKING HAIRDRESSER]
Just like he likes it.
387
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:44,199
So, uh,
388
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,868
how many husbands
have you stolen?
389
00:19:46,903 --> 00:19:49,232
Hm. Ten or 12.
390
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:50,899
But the year
is still young. Ha!
391
00:19:50,934 --> 00:19:53,367
And the best part is,
I've never been caught.
392
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:57,467
Oh!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
393
00:19:57,502 --> 00:19:59,998
Ah!
394
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,100
I guess you're just
too smart for 'em, huh?
395
00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:06,167
You know, I've even had sex
in their own beds
396
00:20:06,202 --> 00:20:07,767
while their wives
were out shopping.
397
00:20:07,802 --> 00:20:08,933
Ha, ha, ha!
398
00:20:08,968 --> 00:20:13,566
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
399
00:20:13,601 --> 00:20:16,133
[SINGS WORDLESSLY,
LAUGHING]
400
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:20,332
Um...
401
00:20:20,367 --> 00:20:22,199
Just keep on reading,
honey,
402
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:26,734
and I'll get right back,
and we'll get started.
403
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:29,532
Hi, Al.
404
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,332
What brings you here?
405
00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:33,634
Well, judging by the condition
of my bowling ball,
406
00:20:33,669 --> 00:20:37,085
I figured you might be
in a mood.
407
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,466
Aw, look, honey.
What the hell.
408
00:20:40,501 --> 00:20:43,551
I been thinking.
You know, we're married.
409
00:20:43,586 --> 00:20:46,601
You deserve a jump
every now and then.
410
00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:47,951
So I checked
the TV Guide.
411
00:20:47,986 --> 00:20:49,267
There's nothing on
Saturday night.
412
00:20:49,302 --> 00:20:50,332
So what say
we make a date
413
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:51,868
somewhere between
eight and 8:30
414
00:20:51,903 --> 00:20:55,232
during Mr. Belvedere.
415
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,033
Well, maybe we could go
a little longer
416
00:20:58,068 --> 00:20:59,933
if I were wearing this.
417
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:02,634
What do I care
what you're wearing?
418
00:21:02,669 --> 00:21:05,300
I'll just be
watching the clock.
419
00:21:05,335 --> 00:21:06,299
Come on.
420
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:07,501
I want you
to meet someone.
421
00:21:07,536 --> 00:21:08,634
Okay.
422
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,666
Hi.
423
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:12,400
Hi.
Who's this?
424
00:21:12,435 --> 00:21:14,799
Who's this?
425
00:21:14,834 --> 00:21:16,834
You mean, you're not
sleepin' with him?
426
00:21:16,869 --> 00:21:20,367
Ha, please.
Even I have standards.
427
00:21:20,402 --> 00:21:22,868
Ha, ha, ha!
428
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,200
So you were really jealous,
huh, Peg?
429
00:21:26,235 --> 00:21:29,100
Well,
who can blame you?
430
00:21:29,135 --> 00:21:30,065
Stallion like me
431
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,067
only comes around
once a year.
432
00:21:33,102 --> 00:21:37,065
Exactly once a year.
433
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:39,484
Yeah. I guess it was
pretty silly of me
434
00:21:39,519 --> 00:21:41,868
thinkin' you were
cheatin'. Ha, ha, ha!
435
00:21:41,903 --> 00:21:44,732
How stupid!
Ha, ha, ha!
436
00:21:44,767 --> 00:21:46,701
Like someone else
would have you.
437
00:21:46,736 --> 00:21:49,632
Oh, I feel like
such a fool.
438
00:21:49,667 --> 00:21:52,365
I mean, you are a middle-aged
shoe salesman.
439
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,567
Some woman would have to be
pretty darn desperate...
440
00:21:54,602 --> 00:21:55,599
Ok, Peg.
441
00:21:55,634 --> 00:21:58,868
That's enough
of an apology now.
442
00:21:58,903 --> 00:22:01,868
Good night.
443
00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:07,667
Al.
Leave me alone.
444
00:22:07,702 --> 00:22:08,933
Oh, well.
445
00:22:08,968 --> 00:22:10,165
At least
it's nice to know
446
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,667
I'm the only one
you're not doin' it with.
447
00:22:12,702 --> 00:22:15,265
Ha, ha, ha!
448
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,434
Good night, honey.
449
00:22:37,567 --> 00:22:39,767
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:07,067
[***]
2
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:16,701
Kids, I gotta tell ya,
3
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,234
I love the day
after Thanksgiving.
4
00:01:18,234 --> 00:01:20,000
We already got that
"giving thanks" crap
5
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,267
out of the way,
and we get to have leftovers.
6
00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:23,300
Peg, is it ready yet?
7
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,167
Here it comes!
8
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:27,234
Ah!
9
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:29,467
You know, Daddy,
10
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,033
that was a great idea
last night:
11
00:01:31,033 --> 00:01:33,501
to only eat the cheese so
we'd have the crust for today.
12
00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:34,534
AL:
Yeah!
13
00:01:35,734 --> 00:01:37,400
I'll bet a lot of
other stupid families
14
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,868
ate their whole
pizza last night.
15
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:41,334
And today they're
probably just looking
16
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,367
at the old empty
cardboard box.
17
00:01:44,701 --> 00:01:46,234
Uh-huh.
18
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:49,300
I can't do it.
19
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,701
Dad, I think I speak
for us all.
20
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,334
This really bites
the big one.
21
00:01:53,334 --> 00:01:55,601
Why can't we have turkey
like real people?
22
00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:57,133
Aw, now, Bud.
23
00:01:57,133 --> 00:02:00,334
It's not like your father
is a doctor or a lawyer
24
00:02:00,334 --> 00:02:02,100
or a bathroom attendant
25
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:03,968
or a circus geek.
26
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:05,968
He's just
a shoe salesman,
27
00:02:05,968 --> 00:02:07,868
doing the best
he can.
28
00:02:07,868 --> 00:02:10,300
Okay, Peg, I think
we get the message here.
29
00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:11,567
Obviously,
this is the fault
30
00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:13,267
of the only one
who works around here.
31
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,934
That would be,
let me see...
32
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:17,667
mm, mm, mm...
33
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:20,534
Well, goldarn it,
it's me.
34
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:23,133
Well, what the heck,
I'll quit.
35
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,934
Then we'll be
a-eating, won't we?
36
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:28,801
Oh, honey, nobody
wants you to quit.
37
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:31,701
We all appreciate
what you do for this family.
38
00:02:32,834 --> 00:02:35,000
[LAUGHING]
39
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,734
Well, we might as well
face the facts.
40
00:02:41,734 --> 00:02:43,434
This food thing
isn't going to go away.
41
00:02:43,434 --> 00:02:45,000
We've gotta get
some money here.
42
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,100
There's got to be something
here we can sell.
43
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,167
How about Mom's
engagement ring?
44
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:50,934
Kelly!
45
00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:52,767
Now, that ring is
a symbol of our love.
46
00:02:52,767 --> 00:02:54,334
We could never,
heh-heh,
47
00:02:54,334 --> 00:02:56,234
put a price
on that.
48
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,067
That's right,
honey.
49
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,200
Like they say:
50
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,267
glass is forever.
51
00:03:04,701 --> 00:03:05,734
Hey.
52
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:07,334
Oh, come on, Al.
53
00:03:07,334 --> 00:03:08,601
I had it
appraised
54
00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:09,834
the day after
our wedding.
55
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:13,000
Remember when
you were resting?
56
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,234
It was a big day
for Mommy, honey.
57
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:18,200
Yeah. That was the last
day of rest for Daddy.
58
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,501
Hm. What about Kelly's
school books?
59
00:03:24,701 --> 00:03:26,300
We could
sell these.
60
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,501
Oh, yeah,
my English book.
61
00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:31,534
Oh, I ain't got
no use for that.
62
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,300
Honey,
these school books
63
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:36,200
are very important
to your future.
64
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,033
Oh, who am I kidding?
65
00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:40,467
Let's see what
condition they're in.
66
00:03:40,467 --> 00:03:41,701
Well,
let's see.
67
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:43,167
Wait a minute.
What do we got here?
68
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,634
What's this?
69
00:03:44,634 --> 00:03:46,267
Detention,
detention.
70
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,000
Expulsion.
71
00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:52,400
Oh, here's something
interesting.
72
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,434
Host a foreign
exchange student,
73
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,968
receive $500
a month expenses.
74
00:03:56,968 --> 00:03:58,534
That's what
we'll do, Peg.
75
00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:02,200
We'll get us one of those
$500-a-month foreigners.
76
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,167
Gee, I don't know,
honey.
77
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:06,834
We don't have
much room.
78
00:04:06,834 --> 00:04:08,133
Where are they
going to sleep?
79
00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:09,567
Well, what's
the garage for?
80
00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:11,434
I know,
I know!
81
00:04:11,434 --> 00:04:13,367
It's for the car.
82
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:21,234
We'll move it over
to the side.
83
00:04:21,234 --> 00:04:23,067
Yeah, but it's freezing
in there, Dad.
84
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:26,234
Hey, I didn't say weshould
sleep in the garage.
85
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:28,033
[LAUGHING]
86
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:32,000
I wonder when little "Y-vette"
will get here.
87
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,868
Uh, Kelly.
88
00:04:33,868 --> 00:04:36,701
I believe her name
is pronounced "Yvette."
89
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:42,434
I was pronouncing it
in English.
90
00:04:45,801 --> 00:04:48,200
Oh, man,
what a break.
91
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,167
Getting a 17-year-old
French babe.
92
00:04:52,267 --> 00:04:53,367
Sniff, sniff.
93
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:55,300
Oh, the times
we'll have.
94
00:04:56,801 --> 00:05:00,834
Don't go boinging around
the house just yet, toad boy.
95
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:03,567
Frenchie's
all mine.
96
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,033
At last I'll have,
like, a sister.
97
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,734
A real girl.
98
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,234
Not just a boy
99
00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:11,000
trapped in
a pimple's body.
100
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,033
It'll
be great.
101
00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:13,667
I can teach her
about American guys,
102
00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:15,267
and she can carry
my school supplies.
103
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:16,467
You know,
like my music,
104
00:05:16,467 --> 00:05:19,868
my walkman,
my overnight bag...
105
00:05:19,868 --> 00:05:21,200
my make-up.
106
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,734
The red light bulb
that goes over your head.
107
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:28,567
Oh, you mean like
when I get an idea?
108
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,734
Al, do you think
we should've
109
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,567
picked Yvette up
at the bus station?
110
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:37,501
No. I hate
bus stations.
111
00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:39,267
Vagrants, winos...
112
00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:41,734
There's people there who'd
cut your throat for a nickel.
113
00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:43,300
I think
I see someone.
114
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,634
She's dragging her trunk
down the street.
115
00:05:45,634 --> 00:05:46,801
Al, give her
a hand.
116
00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:52,968
Hey!
Over here!
117
00:05:58,467 --> 00:06:00,467
Boy, it's getting
cold out there.
118
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,567
[KNOCK]
119
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:11,033
[FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello, my name
is Yvette.
120
00:06:11,033 --> 00:06:13,868
Hello.
Welcome to our country.
121
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:16,133
We have so many
questions to ask you.
122
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:17,601
Um, what's your
country like?
123
00:06:17,601 --> 00:06:18,801
Uh, how was
your trip?
124
00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:20,300
Where's
our money?
125
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:23,901
I apologize
for "ze animals."
126
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:27,534
I'm Bud Bundy,
127
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:30,434
your love
interest.
128
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,501
And this is
Mom and Dad.
129
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:33,567
And I'm Kelly.
130
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,033
You'll be going
to school with me,
131
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:37,033
so if there's a heinie
to be kissed around here,
132
00:06:37,033 --> 00:06:38,133
it's mine.
133
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,334
Oh, my, you are
so attractive.
134
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:44,968
Are all American girls
as beautiful as you?
135
00:06:44,968 --> 00:06:47,033
In their dreams.
136
00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:54,234
Well, I am so happy
to be in Chicago,
137
00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:56,501
land of the Cubs
and the big wind.
138
00:07:03,601 --> 00:07:04,601
Al.
139
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,000
It wasn't me.
140
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,334
Oh.
141
00:07:09,834 --> 00:07:12,300
I would love
to talk for hours,
142
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,501
but I'm cold
and tired.
143
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,267
Uh, where will
I be sleeping?
144
00:07:16,267 --> 00:07:19,400
My room
is this way.
145
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,634
The left side of the bed
is for you.
146
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:25,200
That's because he wets
to the right.
147
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:30,000
Oh, now, kids.
148
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,200
No, honey, you'll be staying
in the guest room
149
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,300
next to
the car.
150
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:34,934
Yeah.
151
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:37,434
Now, if it's a little chilly
in there, don't worry about it.
152
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:41,334
We're going to try to get
that garage-door down real soon.
153
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:42,601
Got it! $500.
154
00:07:42,601 --> 00:07:44,033
Ha, ha!
Gimme that.
155
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:46,834
Well, I've had a long flight,
and a long walk from downtown,
156
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,100
so I'm a--
I'm a little hungry.
157
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:51,534
Do you think I could
have a little bite--
158
00:08:08,501 --> 00:08:10,834
And this is the hall
where my locker is.
159
00:08:10,834 --> 00:08:14,968
Uh, Kelly, we've been
at school for hours.
160
00:08:14,968 --> 00:08:18,167
Will we be going
in a classroom today?
161
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:21,434
Look, do you want to see how
it's done in America, or what?
162
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,934
I'm sorry.
What happens next?
163
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:26,067
Well, first we'll
meet some boys.
164
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:27,767
Uh, how do we do that?
165
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,901
Kelly, hi!
Hi, listen.
166
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,133
Saturday nights
my parents are out.
167
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:37,934
Hey, I was
talking to Kelly.
168
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:42,267
Oh, you are
so popular.
169
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:45,467
Yeah, well, I'm kind of like
The Beatles of the 20th century.
170
00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:47,334
Now, do what I did.
171
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:49,801
Oh, no.
I'm far too shy.
172
00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:51,934
Go ahead.
Maybe you'll get one.
173
00:09:00,434 --> 00:09:02,334
Hi, I'm Hank.
174
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,801
Welcome to Polk High.
175
00:09:03,801 --> 00:09:05,067
What's your name?
176
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,300
Yvette.
Nice to
meet you.
177
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,601
A toast...
178
00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:23,968
to the French.
179
00:09:23,968 --> 00:09:25,934
It's a foul
little country,
180
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,901
but they sure do know how
to write a check.
181
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,267
[LAUGHING]
182
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,434
Kelly, honey, aren't you
going to eat your dinner?
183
00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:33,567
I'm not hungry.
184
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:34,767
Let me have that.
185
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:36,601
Watch out,
over there!
186
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:40,200
What's wrong, you ask?
187
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,300
Well, I'm socially dead,
188
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,501
yesterday's girl,
189
00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:43,868
a Bud.
190
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,868
Why, you ask?
191
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:49,300
Okay, well,
I'll tell you.
192
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,934
Because the little French poodle
that you all love
193
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:53,300
is taking all my action.
194
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,601
Oh, Daddy, what's a washed-up
has-been supposed to do?
195
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:57,734
[GRUNTS]
196
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,534
Mom, what kind of guys
will I wind up with
197
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:06,634
when no one else wants me?
198
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:07,734
[GRUNTS]
199
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:13,267
Oh, no.
200
00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:15,467
Aw, come on, Kel.
201
00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:17,434
So Yvette makes you
look like day-old eggs.
202
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:19,000
So what?
203
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,200
There's still hope
for you.
204
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,868
Why, you could be
a coat rack,
205
00:10:21,868 --> 00:10:22,934
an ashtray,
206
00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:24,133
a speed bump.
207
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,434
Listen to
your brother.
208
00:10:26,434 --> 00:10:28,033
[DOORBELL RINGS]
209
00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:29,167
Mm, door.
210
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:30,167
Get the door.
Door.
211
00:10:31,701 --> 00:10:34,133
Sure, I have
no life.
212
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,567
I'll get it.
213
00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:38,000
Maybe it's someone from
the future Geeks of America
214
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,133
wanting me to join.
215
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:45,400
Yep.
It's the founders.
216
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,167
Hi, Kelly.
217
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,334
Uh, Peggy,
218
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:51,267
may we talk to you
for a second?
219
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:54,601
Let me
have that.
220
00:10:54,601 --> 00:10:56,267
Gimme that!
221
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,601
Mmm?
222
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:16,300
Uh, Peggy, we don't know
how to tell you this--
223
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,868
Well, I do,
Steve.
224
00:11:17,868 --> 00:11:22,067
Peggy, Al has a young girl
living in your garage.
225
00:11:24,868 --> 00:11:26,300
We saw her
last night
226
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:30,434
burning leaves for warmth
in your driveway.
227
00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:32,067
The pig didn't even
have the decency
228
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,734
to set her up
in an apartment.
229
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,868
Well, it's not
that easy, Marcie.
230
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,534
You got to buy
money orders
231
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:40,200
under a different name
to pay the rent,
232
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,534
Then...
233
00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:50,334
where do you keep
the extra key?
234
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,434
Just try to get a phone
with an alias these days.
235
00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,734
Not that I've ever
given it much thought.
236
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:03,634
Well, anyway,
237
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:05,701
here are some pictures
of her we took
238
00:12:05,701 --> 00:12:09,133
and the name
of a good divorce attorney.
239
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,934
I'm sorry we had to be
the ones to tell you this.
240
00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:13,200
[CHUCKLING]
241
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:18,167
Look,
I know all about it.
242
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:21,534
She's just a foreign exchange
student that's living here.
243
00:12:21,534 --> 00:12:23,200
And other than
having to honk
244
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,801
when we want
to get out of the garage,
245
00:12:24,801 --> 00:12:28,200
she's--she's really been
no problem at all.
246
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,734
Yeah. No problem
for anyone but little me.
247
00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,033
What's the matter,
Kelly?
248
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:34,634
Oh, it's that Yvette
249
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:36,133
is dating
all her boyfriends,
250
00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:38,934
and Kelly has the social life
of a barn owl.
251
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:41,467
Kelly's a little
depressed.
252
00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:43,801
Could you handle this?
We're eating.
253
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,701
Oh, now, Kelly.
254
00:12:50,701 --> 00:12:53,200
You mustn't
worry over this.
255
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,534
You may find this
hard to believe,
256
00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:59,767
but I myself wasn't
popular in school.
257
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,868
The hell you say.
258
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,534
No, it's true.
259
00:13:07,534 --> 00:13:10,400
I couldn't get a date
with a cool guy,
260
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,934
no matter how much
I put out.
261
00:13:12,934 --> 00:13:14,667
I mean tried.
262
00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:21,667
So I finally
started dating a nerd.
263
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,133
Ha!
264
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:25,901
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]
265
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:27,467
You dated
a nerd?
266
00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:29,200
Yes.
267
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,000
His name was...
268
00:13:32,434 --> 00:13:35,167
Well, his name
isn't important.
269
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:38,100
My friends couldn't believe
I'd sunk so low.
270
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:39,501
Boy, did they laugh
271
00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:41,467
when I let him take me
to the homecoming dance.
272
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:42,968
Wait a
second.
273
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:47,934
I took you to
the homecoming dance.
274
00:13:47,934 --> 00:13:49,868
That's right.
You did.
275
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:54,567
Anyway,
we went on dating,
276
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,100
and I endured the laughter
and the ridicule,
277
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:58,601
and I came
to marry...
278
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:03,801
Well, his name
isn't important.
279
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,033
The point is,
280
00:14:05,033 --> 00:14:06,601
yesterday's nerd
can grow up
281
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:08,868
to be a wonderful
and giving man.
282
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:10,300
So, if all you can get
is a nerd,
283
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,367
I say try one.
284
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,667
I did.
285
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,534
Hey.
286
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:23,701
Wait a minute.
287
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:28,100
I know who you're
talking about.
288
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,434
And let me
tell you something,
289
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:31,000
you think
you heard laughter?
290
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,300
Well, when I was
dating you,
291
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:33,300
I had
a few milk bones
292
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:35,434
slipped into
my pocket.
293
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,968
I was pretty!
294
00:14:39,968 --> 00:14:41,667
My mother
told me so.
295
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:46,801
Compared to your mother,
you were.
296
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:48,801
Oh, so now you
don't like my mother.
297
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:50,067
What's not
to like?
298
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:52,300
A 60-year-old woman
who played the drums.
299
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,801
Nerd.
300
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:56,367
Geek girl.
301
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:00,601
So that's my future.
302
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:02,767
Well, that
and 40 pounds.
303
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,767
Never.
304
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,767
I will never sink so low
as to date a nerd.
305
00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:15,400
I may not have much,
but at least I have my pride.
306
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:25,234
It's been an illuminating
evening, Miss Bundy.
307
00:15:27,934 --> 00:15:30,968
I'm sorry I spilled
my prune juice on your blouse.
308
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,434
Yeah, and I'm sorry
I punched you in the pelvis.
309
00:15:37,434 --> 00:15:39,767
Oh.
310
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:41,767
Perhaps I can have
the pleasure of your company
311
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:43,601
again next Friday.
312
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:45,968
The museum is having
a quite interesting exhibit
313
00:15:45,968 --> 00:15:47,934
on the ever-changing
mollusk.
314
00:15:49,601 --> 00:15:53,567
Well, only if you wear
your green pencil pouch.
315
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:55,567
Turns them all on.
316
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:02,234
Well, I've had
a great time, guys,
317
00:16:02,234 --> 00:16:03,367
but I
got to run.
318
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:05,300
Mwah, mwah!
319
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,968
Kelly,
320
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,067
you know what would
make this the perfect evening?
321
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:14,200
Oh, what, Myron?
322
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,267
If Yvette would
kiss me good night.
323
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,634
You just blew
a good thing, baby.
324
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,934
Oh, my,
I'm so tired.
325
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:48,067
Thank goodness you taught me
how to sleep at school.
326
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:52,434
Uh, so how was your date
with Le Grand Geek?
327
00:16:52,434 --> 00:16:55,234
Well, we sat around
with his parents
328
00:16:55,234 --> 00:16:57,334
and they showed me slides
of their vacation
329
00:16:57,334 --> 00:16:59,033
to the Ticonderoga
pencil factory.
330
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:05,467
You know,
the number 2 pencil is
331
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:06,767
the backbone
of the industry.
332
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:08,767
That's
very fascinating.
333
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:09,934
No, it isn't.
334
00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:12,067
It's the prattle
of the dead.
335
00:17:13,601 --> 00:17:15,501
Listen, Yvette,
we really need to discuss--
336
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:18,767
Oh, I would love to talk
to my little American sister,
337
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:20,801
but my next date
will be here any moment.
338
00:17:20,801 --> 00:17:23,701
Uh, he told me I could
wear your leather mini.
339
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:25,100
You don't mind,
do you?
340
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:27,133
I mean, you are
in for the evening, no?
341
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:29,467
Thanks.
342
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:35,234
* Dum dum dum
Dum dum dum dum *
343
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:37,667
Mmm.
344
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,400
* Dum dum dum
Dum dum *
345
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,467
Hi, Grandma.
346
00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:54,934
Oops.
347
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,300
Sorry, Kel.
348
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,601
Must've been
the way
349
00:17:58,601 --> 00:17:59,968
the light hit
your crow's feet.
350
00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:20,234
Bud,
what are you doing?
351
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,400
I'm building
a home entertainment center.
352
00:18:26,901 --> 00:18:28,801
Bud, I need
your help.
353
00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:30,667
I'm desperate.
354
00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:32,267
No, you're not.
355
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:34,200
Desperate
still implies hope.
356
00:18:36,868 --> 00:18:39,467
You wouldn't want to help me
get rid of Yvette, would you?
357
00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:40,567
Pffffft!
358
00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:43,501
Well, I can't
take this anymore.
359
00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:45,367
I'm going to have to
do it myself.
360
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:49,534
Kelly,
361
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:52,434
I say this
with all sincerity.
362
00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:56,501
If you truly, truly
want to get rid of her,
363
00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:58,067
I'll kill you.
364
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,501
I really will.
365
00:19:00,501 --> 00:19:02,834
This is
not a joke.
366
00:19:02,834 --> 00:19:04,801
Dead.
367
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,734
Uh, Bud,
what are you doing?
368
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:17,834
Uh...
369
00:19:17,834 --> 00:19:19,467
I'm, uh...
370
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,767
I'm-I'm giving you
s-some ventilation
371
00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:23,901
you know, so the heat
can get through.
372
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:28,000
Oh, it's all right, Bud.
I don't mind if you peep.
373
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:32,367
Yeah, I'll give
that up...
374
00:19:34,467 --> 00:19:37,601
The day they pry her
from my cold, dead hand.
375
00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:42,934
What a cute
little fellow.
376
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:44,901
He's toilet film.
377
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,901
Au revoir.
378
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:53,400
Well, excuse me,
young lady,
379
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,601
but where are you
think you're going?
380
00:19:55,601 --> 00:19:56,634
On a date.
381
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,067
Oh,
no you're not.
382
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:00,367
I got a call from
the principal today.
383
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:03,400
And it seems you're failing
all your subjects.
384
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,067
We just can't
have that.
385
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:06,434
I'm failing too.
386
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:09,200
Uh, Kelly, please,
we're talking to Yvette.
387
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,767
He didn't mean that,
dear.
388
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:15,133
You have to study too.
I suppose, ha-ha.
389
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,467
But if she fails,
she has to go back home.
390
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:21,534
And we're out
500 bucks a month!
391
00:20:21,534 --> 00:20:23,968
We're responsible
for your education.
392
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,934
You know, and if there's
one thing we are,
393
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,334
it's responsible
parents.
394
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:28,400
[SNAPPING SOUND]
395
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,400
Oh!
396
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,901
Stop that, Al.
397
00:20:30,901 --> 00:20:34,067
I can't help it.
I'm giddy.
398
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,501
Must be from all
this darn eating.
399
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:37,601
Oh, ho, ho!
400
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,167
Come here.
Come here.
401
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,534
Well, I guess
we better study.
402
00:20:47,534 --> 00:20:48,834
I'd love to,
403
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:50,868
but I've got to go
dust off my accordion
404
00:20:50,868 --> 00:20:53,133
for school tomorrow.
405
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,968
I've got my eye on
the big, fat tuba player.
406
00:20:55,968 --> 00:20:59,100
Oh please, Kelly,
you have to help me.
407
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,167
I'll beg someone
to go out with you.
408
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:07,400
If I fail, I'll have
to go back to France,
409
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,300
and I'll have to give up
all your boyfriends.
410
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:13,634
Listen, Yvette,
411
00:21:13,634 --> 00:21:15,868
there's no point
in us both staying home.
412
00:21:15,868 --> 00:21:17,467
Go out.
Have a good time.
413
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:18,634
I'll study,
414
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:21,100
and when we take our test
you can copy off me.
415
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:22,734
Oh, you would
do that for me?
416
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:27,400
Oh, what are little
American sisters for?
417
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:33,133
[PEG SIGHS]
418
00:21:33,133 --> 00:21:36,267
Okay, who wants seconds
on crust?
419
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:40,100
I can't
believe it.
420
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:42,267
Yvette flunked
every subject.
421
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:44,133
She even
flunked French.
422
00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:49,701
She must be
the stupidest girl
in the world.
423
00:21:49,701 --> 00:21:52,767
Well, I'm the stupidest
girl in America.
424
00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:54,167
I know you are,
pumpkin,
425
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:57,267
but we're talking about
something important now.
426
00:21:57,267 --> 00:21:59,601
Honey,
you're important too.
427
00:21:59,601 --> 00:22:03,267
Just not as important
as 500 bucks.
428
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:07,701
Oh, Al, now they'll never give
us another exchange student.
429
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:11,300
Yeah, I never got
to use my holes.
430
00:22:11,300 --> 00:22:13,200
Well, what about me?
431
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,033
I lost a sister.
432
00:22:15,033 --> 00:22:16,467
I'm hurting too.
433
00:22:17,968 --> 00:22:18,968
[CAR HORN HONKS]
434
00:22:18,968 --> 00:22:20,400
Oops.
My dates are here.
435
00:22:22,534 --> 00:22:24,367
"Au verar!"
436
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,334
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:07,067
[***]
2
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:16,666
Kids, I gotta tell ya,
3
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,199
I love the day
after Thanksgiving.
4
00:01:18,234 --> 00:01:19,965
We already got that
"giving thanks" crap
5
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,267
out of the way,
and we get to have leftovers.
6
00:01:22,302 --> 00:01:23,300
Peg, is it ready yet?
7
00:01:23,335 --> 00:01:25,167
Here it comes!
8
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:27,199
Ah!
9
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:29,432
You know, Daddy,
10
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:30,998
that was a great idea
last night:
11
00:01:31,033 --> 00:01:33,501
to only eat the cheese so
we'd have the crust for today.
12
00:01:33,536 --> 00:01:34,534
AL:
Yeah!
13
00:01:35,734 --> 00:01:37,400
I'll bet a lot of
other stupid families
14
00:01:37,435 --> 00:01:38,833
ate their whole
pizza last night.
15
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:41,334
And today they're
probably just looking
16
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,367
at the old empty
cardboard box.
17
00:01:44,701 --> 00:01:46,234
Uh-huh.
18
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:49,265
I can't do it.
19
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:51,317
Dad, I think I speak
for us all.
20
00:01:51,352 --> 00:01:53,299
This really bites
the big one.
21
00:01:53,334 --> 00:01:55,601
Why can't we have turkey
like real people?
22
00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:57,098
Aw, now, Bud.
23
00:01:57,133 --> 00:02:00,334
It's not like your father
is a doctor or a lawyer
24
00:02:00,369 --> 00:02:02,100
or a bathroom attendant
25
00:02:02,135 --> 00:02:03,933
or a circus geek.
26
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:05,918
He's just
a shoe salesman,
27
00:02:05,953 --> 00:02:07,833
doing the best
he can.
28
00:02:07,868 --> 00:02:10,300
Okay, Peg, I think
we get the message here.
29
00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:11,532
Obviously,
this is the fault
30
00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:13,267
of the only one
who works around here.
31
00:02:13,302 --> 00:02:14,934
That would be,
let me see...
32
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,632
mm, mm, mm...
33
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:20,534
Well, goldarn it,
it's me.
34
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:23,834
Well, what the heck,
I'll quit.
35
00:02:23,869 --> 00:02:26,335
Then we'll be
a- eating, won't we?
36
00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:28,766
Oh, honey, nobody
wants you to quit.
37
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:31,701
We all appreciate
what you do for this family.
38
00:02:32,834 --> 00:02:35,000
[LAUGHING]
39
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,567
Well, we might as well
face the facts.
40
00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,434
This food thing
isn't going to go away.
41
00:02:43,469 --> 00:02:44,965
We've gotta get
some money here.
42
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,100
There's got to be something
here we can sell.
43
00:02:47,135 --> 00:02:49,167
How about Mom's
engagement ring?
44
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:50,899
Kelly!
45
00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:52,767
Now, that ring is
a symbol of our love.
46
00:02:52,802 --> 00:02:54,518
We could never,
heh-heh,
47
00:02:54,553 --> 00:02:56,234
put a price
on that.
48
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,067
That's right,
honey.
49
00:03:00,102 --> 00:03:01,684
Like they say:
50
00:03:01,719 --> 00:03:03,267
glass is forever.
51
00:03:04,701 --> 00:03:05,699
Hey.
52
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:07,167
Oh, come on, Al.
53
00:03:07,202 --> 00:03:08,566
I had it
appraised
54
00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:09,799
the day after
our wedding.
55
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:12,534
Remember when
you were resting?
56
00:03:12,569 --> 00:03:15,199
It was a big day
for Mommy, honey.
57
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:18,200
Yeah. That was the last
day of rest for Daddy.
58
00:03:18,235 --> 00:03:21,501
Hm. What about Kelly's
school books?
59
00:03:24,701 --> 00:03:26,265
We could
sell these.
60
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,466
Oh, yeah,
my English book.
61
00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:31,534
Oh, I ain't got
no use for that.
62
00:03:31,569 --> 00:03:33,265
Honey,
these school books
63
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:36,200
are very important
to your future.
64
00:03:36,235 --> 00:03:37,998
Oh, who am I kidding?
65
00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:40,467
Let's see what
condition they're in.
66
00:03:40,502 --> 00:03:41,666
Well,
let's see.
67
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:43,167
Wait a minute.
What do we got here?
68
00:03:43,202 --> 00:03:44,599
What's this?
69
00:03:44,634 --> 00:03:46,267
Detention,
detention.
70
00:03:46,302 --> 00:03:48,000
Expulsion.
71
00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:52,350
Oh, here's something
interesting.
72
00:03:52,385 --> 00:03:54,676
Host a foreign
exchange student,
73
00:03:54,711 --> 00:03:56,622
receive $500
a month expenses.
74
00:03:56,657 --> 00:03:58,499
That's what
we'll do, Peg.
75
00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:02,200
We'll get us one of those
$500-a-month foreigners.
76
00:04:02,235 --> 00:04:04,534
Gee, I don't know,
honey.
77
00:04:04,569 --> 00:04:06,799
We don't have
much room.
78
00:04:06,834 --> 00:04:08,200
Where are they
going to sleep?
79
00:04:08,235 --> 00:04:09,567
Well, what's
the garage for?
80
00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:11,484
I know,
I know!
81
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,367
It's for the car.
82
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:21,199
We'll move it over
to the side.
83
00:04:21,234 --> 00:04:23,032
Yeah, but it's freezing
in there, Dad.
84
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:26,234
Hey, I didn't say weshould
sleep in the garage.
85
00:04:26,269 --> 00:04:28,033
[LAUGHING]
86
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:32,000
I wonder when little "Y-vette"
will get here.
87
00:04:32,035 --> 00:04:33,833
Uh, Kelly.
88
00:04:33,868 --> 00:04:36,701
I believe her name
is pronounced "Yvette. "
89
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:42,434
I was pronouncing it
in English.
90
00:04:45,801 --> 00:04:48,165
Oh, man,
what a break.
91
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,167
Getting a 17-year-old
French babe.
92
00:04:52,267 --> 00:04:53,332
Sniff, sniff.
93
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:55,300
Oh, the times
we'll have.
94
00:04:56,801 --> 00:05:00,834
Don't go boinging around
the house just yet, toad boy.
95
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:03,532
Frenchie's
all mine.
96
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,033
At last I'll have,
like, a sister.
97
00:05:05,068 --> 00:05:06,651
A real girl.
98
00:05:06,686 --> 00:05:08,199
Not just a boy
99
00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:11,000
trapped in
a pimple's body.
100
00:05:11,035 --> 00:05:11,998
It'll
be great.
101
00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:13,650
I can teach her
about American guys,
102
00:05:13,685 --> 00:05:15,267
and she can carry
my school supplies.
103
00:05:15,302 --> 00:05:16,432
You know,
like my music,
104
00:05:16,467 --> 00:05:19,868
my walkman,
my overnight bag...
105
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,165
my make-up.
106
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,734
The red light bulb
that goes over your head.
107
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:28,567
Oh, you mean like
when I get an idea?
108
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,699
Al, do you think
we should've
109
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,567
picked Yvette up
at the bus station?
110
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,501
No. I hate
bus stations.
111
00:05:37,536 --> 00:05:39,232
Vagrants, winos...
112
00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:41,734
There's people there who'd
cut your throat for a nickel.
113
00:05:41,769 --> 00:05:43,265
I think
I see someone.
114
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,634
She's dragging her trunk
down the street.
115
00:05:45,669 --> 00:05:46,801
Al, give her
a hand.
116
00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:52,968
Hey!
Over here!
117
00:05:58,467 --> 00:06:00,467
Boy, it's getting
cold out there.
118
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,567
[KNOCK]
119
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:11,033
[FRENCH ACCENT] Hello,
my name is Yvette.
120
00:06:11,068 --> 00:06:13,833
Hello.
Welcome to our country.
121
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:16,133
We have so many
questions to ask you.
122
00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,601
Um, what's your
country like?
123
00:06:17,636 --> 00:06:18,968
Uh, how was
your trip?
124
00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:20,300
Where's
our money?
125
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:23,901
I apologize
for "ze animals. "
126
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:27,499
I'm Bud Bundy,
127
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:30,399
your love
interest.
128
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,501
And this is
Mom and Dad.
129
00:06:32,536 --> 00:06:33,532
And I'm Kelly.
130
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:34,998
You'll be going
to school with me,
131
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:37,033
so if there's a heinie
to be kissed around here,
132
00:06:37,068 --> 00:06:38,133
it's mine.
133
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,299
Oh, my, you are
so attractive.
134
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:44,968
Are all American girls
as beautiful as you?
135
00:06:45,003 --> 00:06:47,033
In their dreams.
136
00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:54,101
Well, I am so happy
to be in Chicago,
137
00:06:54,136 --> 00:06:56,501
land of the Cubs
and the big wind.
138
00:07:03,601 --> 00:07:04,566
Al.
139
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,000
It wasn't me.
140
00:07:06,035 --> 00:07:07,334
Oh.
141
00:07:09,834 --> 00:07:12,300
I would love
to talk for hours,
142
00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:14,466
but I'm cold
and tired.
143
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,267
Uh, where will
I be sleeping?
144
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:19,365
My room
is this way.
145
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,300
The left side of the bed
is for you.
146
00:07:22,335 --> 00:07:25,200
That's because he wets
to the right.
147
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,965
Oh, now, kids.
148
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,200
No, honey, you'll be staying
in the guest room
149
00:07:32,235 --> 00:07:33,300
next to
the car.
150
00:07:33,335 --> 00:07:34,899
Yeah.
151
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:38,134
Now, if it's a little chilly
in there, don't worry about it.
152
00:07:38,169 --> 00:07:41,334
We're going to try to get
that garage-door down real soon.
153
00:07:41,369 --> 00:07:42,566
Got it! $500.
154
00:07:42,601 --> 00:07:43,998
Ha, ha!
Gimme that.
155
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:46,834
Well, I've had a long flight,
and a long walk from downtown,
156
00:07:46,869 --> 00:07:49,065
so I'm a...
I'm a little hungry.
157
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:51,534
Do you think I could
have a little bite...
158
00:08:08,501 --> 00:08:11,734
And this is the hall
where my locker is.
159
00:08:11,769 --> 00:08:14,968
Uh, Kelly, we've been
at school for hours.
160
00:08:15,003 --> 00:08:18,132
Will we be going
in a classroom today?
161
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:21,434
Look, do you want to see how
it's done in America, or what?
162
00:08:21,469 --> 00:08:23,768
I'm sorry.
What happens next?
163
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,067
Well, first we'll
meet some boys.
164
00:08:26,102 --> 00:08:27,767
Uh, how do we do that?
165
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,866
Kelly, hi!
Hi, listen.
166
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,133
Saturday nights
my parents are out.
167
00:08:36,168 --> 00:08:37,934
Hey, I was
talking to Kelly.
168
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:42,232
Oh, you are
so popular.
169
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:45,467
Yeah, well, I'm kind of like
The Beatles of the 20th century.
170
00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:47,299
Now, do what I did.
171
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:49,766
Oh, no.
I'm far too shy.
172
00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:51,934
Go ahead.
Maybe you'll get one.
173
00:09:00,434 --> 00:09:02,299
Hi, I'm Hank.
174
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,700
Welcome to Polk High.
175
00:09:03,735 --> 00:09:05,032
What's your name?
176
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,300
Yvette. Nice to meet you.
177
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:22,034
A toast...
178
00:09:22,069 --> 00:09:23,933
to the French.
179
00:09:23,968 --> 00:09:25,899
It's a foul
little country,
180
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,901
but they sure do know how
to write a check.
181
00:09:27,936 --> 00:09:30,232
[LAUGHING]
182
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,434
Kelly, honey, aren't you
going to eat your dinner?
183
00:09:32,469 --> 00:09:33,618
I'm not hungry.
184
00:09:33,653 --> 00:09:34,732
Let me have that.
185
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:36,601
Watch out,
over there!
186
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,584
What's wrong, you ask?
187
00:09:39,619 --> 00:09:41,300
Well, I'm socially dead,
188
00:09:41,335 --> 00:09:42,501
yesterday's girl,
189
00:09:42,536 --> 00:09:43,868
a Bud.
190
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,833
Why, you ask?
191
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:49,265
Okay, well,
I'll tell you.
192
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,934
Because the little French poodle
that you all love
193
00:09:51,969 --> 00:09:53,265
is taking all my action.
194
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,601
Oh, Daddy, what's a washed-up
has-been supposed to do?
195
00:09:56,636 --> 00:09:57,734
[GRUNTS]
196
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,534
Mom, what kind of guys
will I wind up with
197
00:10:05,569 --> 00:10:06,634
when no one else wants me?
198
00:10:06,669 --> 00:10:07,734
[GRUNTS]
199
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:13,267
Oh, no.
200
00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:15,432
Aw, come on, Kel.
201
00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:17,434
So Yvette makes you
look like day-old eggs.
202
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:18,965
So what?
203
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,434
There's still hope
for you.
204
00:10:20,469 --> 00:10:21,868
Why, you could be
a coat rack,
205
00:10:21,903 --> 00:10:23,018
an ashtray,
206
00:10:23,053 --> 00:10:24,098
a speed bump.
207
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,434
Listen to
your brother.
208
00:10:26,469 --> 00:10:28,033
[DOORBELL RINGS]
209
00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:29,132
Mm, door.
210
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:30,167
Get the door.
Door.
211
00:10:31,701 --> 00:10:34,133
Sure, I have
no life.
212
00:10:34,168 --> 00:10:35,532
I'll get it.
213
00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:38,000
Maybe it's someone from
the future Geeks of America
214
00:10:38,035 --> 00:10:39,133
wanting me to join.
215
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:45,400
Yep.
It's the founders.
216
00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:47,384
Hi, Kelly.
217
00:10:47,419 --> 00:10:49,299
Uh, Peggy,
218
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:51,267
may we talk to you
for a second?
219
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:54,601
Let me
have that.
220
00:10:54,636 --> 00:10:56,267
Gimme that!
221
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,601
Mmm?
222
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:16,300
Uh, Peggy, we don't know
how to tell you this...
223
00:11:16,335 --> 00:11:17,833
Well, I do,
Steve.
224
00:11:17,868 --> 00:11:22,067
Peggy, Al has a young girl
living in your garage.
225
00:11:24,868 --> 00:11:26,265
We saw her
last night
226
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:30,434
burning leaves for warmth
in your driveway.
227
00:11:30,469 --> 00:11:32,067
The pig didn't even
have the decency
228
00:11:32,102 --> 00:11:34,485
to set her up
in an apartment.
229
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,868
Well, it's not
that easy, Marcie.
230
00:11:36,903 --> 00:11:38,499
You got to buy
money orders
231
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:40,200
under a different name
to pay the rent,
232
00:11:40,235 --> 00:11:41,534
Then...
233
00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:50,299
where do you keep
the extra key?
234
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,434
Just try to get a phone
with an alias these days.
235
00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,734
Not that I've ever
given it much thought.
236
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:03,599
Well, anyway,
237
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:06,383
here are some pictures
of her we took
238
00:12:06,418 --> 00:12:09,098
and the name
of a good divorce attorney.
239
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,934
I'm sorry we had to be
the ones to tell you this.
240
00:12:11,969 --> 00:12:13,200
[CHUCKLING]
241
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:18,132
Look,
I know all about it.
242
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:21,534
She's just a foreign exchange
student that's living here.
243
00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:23,165
And other than
having to honk
244
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,766
when we want
to get out of the garage,
245
00:12:24,801 --> 00:12:28,267
she's... she's really been
no problem at all.
246
00:12:28,302 --> 00:12:31,734
Yeah. No problem
for anyone but little me.
247
00:12:31,769 --> 00:12:33,033
What's the matter,
Kelly?
248
00:12:33,068 --> 00:12:34,599
Oh, it's that Yvette
249
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:36,098
is dating
all her boyfriends,
250
00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:38,934
and Kelly has the social life
of a barn owl.
251
00:12:38,969 --> 00:12:41,432
Kelly's a little
depressed.
252
00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:43,801
Could you handle this?
We're eating.
253
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,701
Oh, now, Kelly.
254
00:12:50,701 --> 00:12:53,165
You mustn't
worry over this.
255
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,483
You may find this
hard to believe,
256
00:12:56,518 --> 00:12:59,767
but I myself wasn't
popular in school.
257
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,868
The hell you say.
258
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,499
No, it's true.
259
00:13:07,534 --> 00:13:10,400
I couldn't get a date
with a cool guy,
260
00:13:10,435 --> 00:13:12,934
no matter how much
I put out.
261
00:13:12,969 --> 00:13:14,667
I mean tried.
262
00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:21,667
So I finally
started dating a nerd.
263
00:13:21,702 --> 00:13:23,098
Ha!
264
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:25,300
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]
265
00:13:25,335 --> 00:13:27,467
You dated
a nerd?
266
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:29,165
Yes.
267
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,000
His name was...
268
00:13:32,434 --> 00:13:35,132
Well, his name
isn't important.
269
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:38,100
My friends couldn't believe
I'd sunk so low.
270
00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:39,466
Boy, did they laugh
271
00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:41,467
when I let him take me
to the homecoming dance.
272
00:13:41,502 --> 00:13:42,968
Wait a
second.
273
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:47,934
I took you to
the homecoming dance.
274
00:13:47,969 --> 00:13:49,868
That's right.
You did.
275
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:54,532
Anyway,
we went on dating,
276
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,100
and I endured the laughter
and the ridicule,
277
00:13:57,135 --> 00:13:58,601
and I came
to marry...
278
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:03,801
Well, his name
isn't important.
279
00:14:03,836 --> 00:14:04,998
The point is,
280
00:14:05,033 --> 00:14:06,566
yesterday's nerd
can grow up
281
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:08,450
to be a wonderful
and giving man.
282
00:14:08,485 --> 00:14:10,300
So, if all you can get
is a nerd,
283
00:14:10,335 --> 00:14:12,367
I say try one.
284
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,667
I did.
285
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,499
Hey.
286
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:23,666
Wait a minute.
287
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:26,567
I know who you're
talking about.
288
00:14:26,602 --> 00:14:28,801
And let me
tell you something,
289
00:14:28,836 --> 00:14:30,568
you think
you heard laughter?
290
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,300
Well, when I was
dating you,
291
00:14:32,335 --> 00:14:33,884
I had
a few milk bones
292
00:14:33,919 --> 00:14:35,434
slipped into
my pocket.
293
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,933
I was pretty!
294
00:14:39,968 --> 00:14:41,667
My mother
told me so.
295
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:46,034
Compared to your mother,
you were.
296
00:14:46,069 --> 00:14:48,801
Oh, so now you
don't like my mother.
297
00:14:48,836 --> 00:14:50,032
What's not
to like?
298
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:52,300
A 60-year-old woman
who played the drums.
299
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,766
Nerd.
300
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:56,367
Geek girl.
301
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:00,566
So that's my future.
302
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:02,767
Well, that
and 40 pounds.
303
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,732
Never.
304
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,732
I will never sink so low
as to date a nerd.
305
00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:15,400
I may not have much,
but at least I have my pride.
306
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:25,234
It's been an illuminating
evening, Miss Bundy.
307
00:15:27,934 --> 00:15:30,968
I'm sorry I spilled
my prune juice on your blouse.
308
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,434
Yeah, and I'm sorry
I punched you in the pelvis.
309
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:39,732
Oh.
310
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:41,767
Perhaps I can have
the pleasure of your company
311
00:15:41,802 --> 00:15:43,566
again next Friday.
312
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:45,968
The museum is having
a quite interesting exhibit
313
00:15:46,003 --> 00:15:47,934
on the ever-changing
mollusk.
314
00:15:49,601 --> 00:15:53,567
Well, only if you wear
your green pencil pouch.
315
00:15:53,602 --> 00:15:55,567
Turns them all on.
316
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:02,234
Well, I've had
a great time, guys,
317
00:16:02,269 --> 00:16:03,367
but I
got to run.
318
00:16:03,402 --> 00:16:05,300
Mwah, mwah!
319
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,933
Kelly,
320
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,067
you know what would
make this the perfect evening?
321
00:16:12,102 --> 00:16:14,165
Oh, what, Myron?
322
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,267
If Yvette would
kiss me good night.
323
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,634
You just blew
a good thing, baby.
324
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,899
Oh, my,
I'm so tired.
325
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:48,067
Thank goodness you taught me
how to sleep at school.
326
00:16:48,102 --> 00:16:52,434
Uh, so how was your date
with Le Grand Geek?
327
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:55,199
Well, we sat around
with his parents
328
00:16:55,234 --> 00:16:57,334
and they showed me slides
of their vacation
329
00:16:57,369 --> 00:16:59,033
to the Ticonderoga
pencil factory.
330
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:05,250
You know,
the number 2 pencil is
331
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:06,767
the backbone
of the industry.
332
00:17:06,802 --> 00:17:08,767
That's
very fascinating.
333
00:17:08,802 --> 00:17:09,899
No, it isn't.
334
00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:12,067
It's the prattle
of the dead.
335
00:17:13,601 --> 00:17:15,466
Listen, Yvette,
we really need to discuss...
336
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:18,767
Oh, I would love to talk
to my little American sister,
337
00:17:18,802 --> 00:17:20,766
but my next date
will be here any moment.
338
00:17:20,801 --> 00:17:23,701
Uh, he told me I could
wear your leather mini.
339
00:17:23,736 --> 00:17:25,065
You don't mind,
do you?
340
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:27,133
I mean, you are
in for the evening, no?
341
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:29,467
Thanks.
342
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:35,234
* Dum dum dum
Dum dum dum dum *
343
00:17:35,269 --> 00:17:37,667
Mmm.
344
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,400
* Dum dum dum
Dum dum *
345
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,467
Hi, Grandma.
346
00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:54,934
Oops.
347
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,265
Sorry, Kel.
348
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,566
Must've been
the way
349
00:17:58,601 --> 00:17:59,968
the light hit
your crow's feet.
350
00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:20,199
Bud,
what are you doing?
351
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,400
I'm building
a home entertainment center.
352
00:18:26,901 --> 00:18:28,801
Bud, I need
your help.
353
00:18:28,836 --> 00:18:30,551
I'm desperate.
354
00:18:30,586 --> 00:18:32,232
No, you're not.
355
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:34,200
Desperate
still implies hope.
356
00:18:36,868 --> 00:18:39,467
You wouldn't want to help me
get rid of Yvette, would you?
357
00:18:39,502 --> 00:18:40,567
Pffffft!
358
00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:43,667
Well, I can't
take this anymore.
359
00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:45,367
I'm going to have to
do it myself.
360
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:49,499
Kelly,
361
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:52,399
I say this
with all sincerity.
362
00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:56,501
If you truly, truly
want to get rid of her,
363
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,067
I'll kill you.
364
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,466
I really will.
365
00:19:00,501 --> 00:19:02,834
This is
not a joke.
366
00:19:02,869 --> 00:19:04,801
Dead.
367
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,734
Uh, Bud,
what are you doing?
368
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:17,799
Uh...
369
00:19:17,834 --> 00:19:19,432
I'm, uh...
370
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,684
I'm-I'm giving you
s- some ventilation
371
00:19:21,719 --> 00:19:23,866
you know, so the heat
can get through.
372
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:28,000
Oh, it's all right, Bud.
I don't mind if you peep.
373
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:32,367
Yeah, I'll give
that up...
374
00:19:34,467 --> 00:19:37,601
The day they pry her
from my cold, dead hand.
375
00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:42,934
What a cute
little fellow.
376
00:19:42,969 --> 00:19:44,901
He's toilet film.
377
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,901
Au revoir.
378
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:53,365
Well, excuse me,
young lady,
379
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,601
but where are you
think you're going?
380
00:19:55,636 --> 00:19:56,599
On a date.
381
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,032
Oh,
no you're not.
382
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:00,332
I got a call from
the principal today.
383
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:03,400
And it seems you're failing
all your subjects.
384
00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:05,067
We just can't
have that.
385
00:20:05,102 --> 00:20:06,399
I'm failing too.
386
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:09,200
Uh, Kelly, please,
we're talking to Yvette.
387
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,732
He didn't mean that,
dear.
388
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:14,617
You have to study too.
I suppose, ha-ha.
389
00:20:14,652 --> 00:20:17,467
But if she fails,
she has to go back home.
390
00:20:17,502 --> 00:20:21,499
And we're out
500 bucks a month!
391
00:20:21,534 --> 00:20:23,933
We're responsible
for your education.
392
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,934
You know, and if there's
one thing we are,
393
00:20:25,969 --> 00:20:27,334
it's responsible
parents.
394
00:20:27,369 --> 00:20:28,400
[SNAPPING SOUND]
395
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,365
Oh!
396
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,866
Stop that, Al.
397
00:20:30,901 --> 00:20:34,032
I can't help it.
I'm giddy.
398
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,501
Must be from all
this darn eating.
399
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,566
Oh, ho, ho!
400
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,167
Come here.
Come here.
401
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,534
Well, I guess
we better study.
402
00:20:47,569 --> 00:20:48,799
I'd love to,
403
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:50,868
but I've got to go
dust off my accordion
404
00:20:50,903 --> 00:20:53,098
for school tomorrow.
405
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,968
I've got my eye on
the big, fat tuba player.
406
00:20:56,003 --> 00:20:58,585
Oh please, Kelly,
you have to help me.
407
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:01,167
I'll beg someone
to go out with you.
408
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:07,550
If I fail, I'll have
to go back to France,
409
00:21:07,585 --> 00:21:10,300
and I'll have to give up
all your boyfriends.
410
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:13,599
Listen, Yvette,
411
00:21:13,634 --> 00:21:15,868
there's no point
in us both staying home.
412
00:21:15,903 --> 00:21:17,467
Go out.
Have a good time.
413
00:21:17,502 --> 00:21:18,599
I'll study,
414
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:21,100
and when we take our test
you can copy off me.
415
00:21:21,135 --> 00:21:22,699
Oh, you would
do that for me?
416
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:27,400
Oh, what are little
American sisters for?
417
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:33,098
[PEG SIGHS]
418
00:21:33,133 --> 00:21:36,267
Okay, who wants seconds
on crust?
419
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:40,065
I can't
believe it.
420
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:42,267
Yvette flunked
every subject.
421
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,133
She even
flunked French.
422
00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:49,634
She must be the stupidest
girl in the world.
423
00:21:49,669 --> 00:21:52,767
Well, I'm the stupidest
girl in America.
424
00:21:52,802 --> 00:21:54,132
I know you are,
pumpkin,
425
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:57,267
but we're talking about
something important now.
426
00:21:57,302 --> 00:21:59,566
Honey,
you're important too.
427
00:21:59,601 --> 00:22:03,232
Just not as important
as 500 bucks.
428
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:07,701
Oh, Al, now they'll never give
us another exchange student.
429
00:22:07,736 --> 00:22:11,300
Yeah, I never got
to use my holes.
430
00:22:11,335 --> 00:22:13,184
Well, what about me?
431
00:22:13,219 --> 00:22:14,843
I lost a sister.
432
00:22:14,878 --> 00:22:16,467
I'm hurting too.
433
00:22:17,968 --> 00:22:18,933
[CAR HORN HONKS]
434
00:22:18,968 --> 00:22:20,400
Oops.
My dates are here.
435
00:22:22,534 --> 00:22:24,367
"Au verar!"
436
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,334
[***]1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:05,601
[***]
2
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:21,234
Wake up!
3
00:01:21,234 --> 00:01:22,400
Honey.
4
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,067
Honey, it's time
to go to school.
5
00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:27,367
Kelly Bundy!
6
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,167
I wasn't copying
off his paper! I swear!
7
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:32,934
Oh. Hi, Mom.
8
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:34,400
It's time
for school.
9
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,934
Oh, well, I can't
go to school yet.
10
00:01:35,934 --> 00:01:37,901
I've got this Current Events
report due today
11
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:39,901
and I'm waiting for Bud
to bring me a newspaper.
12
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,601
Here it is, Kel.
13
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,567
Hot off
a bum's face.
14
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,767
The National
Investigator?
15
00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:52,734
Yeah, well,
everybody's gonna be
using actual newspapers,
16
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:56,167
and I decided
our Kelly should go
the tabloid route.
17
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:00,634
Now, Kelly,
18
00:02:00,634 --> 00:02:02,801
which one of these
interests you?
19
00:02:02,801 --> 00:02:04,400
Let's see.
20
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,200
"Psychic predicts
that someone will watch
GarryShandling."
21
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:14,667
Or, "Spuds McKenzie just says
no to Justine Bateman."
22
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:18,968
Oh, I'll take
that one.
23
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:20,868
At least someone's
heard of Spuds McKenzie.
24
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,234
Hey, look at this.
25
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:31,434
"New Jersey housewife wins
$8.7 million lottery."
26
00:02:31,434 --> 00:02:34,200
Huh. And she won it
after rubbing the belly
27
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,167
of her good luck
charm...Tubro,
28
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,934
the fat, Panamanian
god of money.
29
00:02:39,934 --> 00:02:40,934
Hmm.
30
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:42,934
I need something
lucky to rub.
31
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:46,167
How about Kelly?
32
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,901
Every guy
that rubs her
gets lucky.
33
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,767
Oh, grow a face.
34
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,033
And let me do
my homework in peace.
35
00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:04,033
"Sp-uds Mc..."
36
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:10,234
Will you look
at this?
37
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:11,901
My little girl
is reading.
38
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:16,100
Daddy, you made me
lose my place.
39
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:17,901
Now I have to start
all over again.
40
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:21,767
"Sp-uds..."
41
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:23,267
Look at her go.
42
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,767
One Bundy woman
is reaching for
the stars this morning.
43
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,067
Let's go
for two.
44
00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,567
Peg, make
my breakfast.
45
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,100
Crack an egg
for Daddy.
46
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:38,434
Where would I get an egg
at this time of day?
47
00:03:38,434 --> 00:03:41,100
Ha-ha. You are
such an idiot.
48
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,601
By the way...
49
00:03:42,601 --> 00:03:45,467
Al, honey, I want
to win the lottery.
50
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:49,300
So could I have $195
so I can buy Tubro,
51
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,701
the fat Panamanian
god of money?
52
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:55,033
Peg, you know what $195
can mean to this family?
53
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:57,167
It means food,
it means shelter.
54
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:58,767
It means college
for the children.
55
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:01,334
What's this word?
56
00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:05,033
A.
57
00:04:07,701 --> 00:04:10,000
Oh...just like
the letter.
58
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,434
[TOILET
FLUSHES]
59
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,534
Thanks for watching
the store for me, guys.
60
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,901
Hey, Al.
61
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,400
I got off work
a little early today.
62
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,400
Whatcha doing?
63
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,567
Ah, just trying to kill
another 60 years
64
00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:36,200
so Willard Scott can say
hi to me on TV.
65
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,567
You know, Al, your problem
is you don't take time
66
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:42,634
to appreciate
the finer things in life.
67
00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:45,634
Come with me to a museum,
a symphony, an opera.
68
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:46,934
You are never too old
69
00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:49,033
to experience--
Hooter alert!
70
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:57,067
Oh, miss...here,
let me help you.
71
00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:58,400
Come over here
and sit down.
72
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,200
I'll get you some uh...
What do I sell here?
73
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:03,334
Shoes.
Yeah, shoes.
74
00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:05,200
Would you like one?
75
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,033
Ah, let me
handle this, Al.
76
00:05:07,033 --> 00:05:09,534
How about something...
in a man
77
00:05:09,534 --> 00:05:11,934
who'll give you
everything he owns?
78
00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:14,067
Oh, I already have
a pair of those.
79
00:05:14,067 --> 00:05:17,501
What I need right now
is a pair of stiletto heels,
80
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:19,234
black, size 6.
81
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,968
I'm not leaving.
82
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:34,734
I'm not either.
83
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,467
Okay.
84
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,901
We'll both
go get them.
85
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:42,868
One...
86
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:43,901
Two...
87
00:05:43,901 --> 00:05:45,267
Uh-ha. Hah.
88
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:47,901
STEVE:
Give me that!
89
00:05:47,901 --> 00:05:48,968
AL:
I'll take that!
90
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:50,467
STEVE:
Let me out there!
91
00:05:50,467 --> 00:05:51,767
AL:
Give me room here!
92
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:53,334
Give me room!
93
00:05:53,334 --> 00:05:55,367
Ha.
94
00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:56,767
After you, Steve.
95
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:57,834
Ah.
96
00:06:00,033 --> 00:06:02,067
Oh, Steve. Let me
help you up.
97
00:06:05,868 --> 00:06:07,334
I got them
for you.
98
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:11,033
And I helped.
99
00:06:13,167 --> 00:06:14,868
Ah-huh.
100
00:06:14,868 --> 00:06:15,868
Ah.
101
00:06:15,868 --> 00:06:17,501
There you are.
102
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:19,067
Do you mind if
I walk in them?
103
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:21,634
Well, I prefer
you dance in them,
but it's not mandatory.
104
00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,334
You're so cute.
105
00:06:25,334 --> 00:06:26,701
[LAUGHING]
106
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:32,567
Steve, I know
I've seen her before.
107
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:34,100
I just can't
place where.
108
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,400
That's it!
109
00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:39,033
Steve,
she's a Playmate.
110
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:42,367
From Playboy magazine.
Miss October, 1987.
111
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:43,634
Can't be.
112
00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:45,767
Steve, I may not know
the color of my wife's eyes.
113
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:47,434
I don't know my
children's birthday.
114
00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,334
But I know--
115
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:52,100
I know that's Brandi Brandt.
Born 1968.
116
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,734
Teeny, teeny birthmark
around bend of left knee.
117
00:06:56,734 --> 00:06:58,601
Favorite movie,
The Big Bus.
118
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:03,467
Watch this.
I'll prove it to you.
119
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:06,033
Uh, miss.
Excuse me.
120
00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:09,868
Aren't you Brandi Brandt,
Miss October, 1987?
121
00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:11,234
Why, yes.
122
00:07:11,234 --> 00:07:13,334
[GIGGLING]
123
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:21,534
I've always admired
your work.
124
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,133
Yeah, it is
a lot of work.
125
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:27,567
You know that shot of me
leaning up against the truck
126
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,767
alone took five hours.
127
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:31,868
Oh, I know how
you feel.
128
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,267
Oh, when I was 7,
129
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:35,701
our class had
our picture taken
on a fire truck.
130
00:07:35,701 --> 00:07:37,767
It was really big,
and they let me
ring the bell.
131
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,000
But when they took
the picture, my back
was turned,
132
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,334
so you couldn't
tell it was me.
133
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:42,767
But they made me
buy one anyway.
134
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:44,100
Can I sit
on your lap?
135
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,834
I love the shoes.
How much?
136
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:49,200
Oh, well,
they're on the house.
137
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,167
After all, you made it
possible for Steve and I
138
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:52,334
to have sex
with our wives.
139
00:07:58,501 --> 00:07:59,934
You really have
140
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:02,400
Brandi's issue
of Playboy?
141
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,300
I've got 'em all,
Steve.
142
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,701
I've been collecting
Playboys my whole life.
143
00:08:07,701 --> 00:08:10,000
My dad got me started
on the hobby.
144
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,834
It was my 12th
birthday.
145
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,467
We watched Mom Singapore
Sling herself into oblivion.
146
00:08:16,467 --> 00:08:17,934
Then we went down
in the basement.
147
00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:21,200
There, behind the toolbox,
was Dad's stash.
148
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,067
Oh, the breasts
we saw that night.
149
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,100
And when Dad died,
he gave them all to me.
150
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,100
I'll be right back.
151
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,734
Now, you stay here.
Look cool.
152
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:39,934
Hoo, we're gonna
see Brandi.
153
00:08:39,934 --> 00:08:41,000
We're gonna
see Brandi.
154
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:48,901
They're gone,
Steve.
155
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,100
My Playboys.
156
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,033
My stable. My women.
My life.
157
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,501
What could have
happened to them?
158
00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:58,734
Oh, hi, Al.
159
00:08:58,734 --> 00:08:59,767
Look, honey.
160
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:02,067
I got a Tubro
of my very own.
161
00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:04,367
Oh, happy day.
162
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:10,501
Uh, Peg, you mind
if I cut in for a second?
163
00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:13,634
Peg, where did you
get the money to buy
old Tubro?
164
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,133
I sold your Playboys.
165
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,400
Oh. Did you want them?
166
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:31,033
Al...you haven't said
anything for two hours.
167
00:09:31,033 --> 00:09:33,033
How about
a little smile?
168
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:40,634
Oh, honey...what's
the big deal?
169
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:42,868
How was I supposed to know
you wanted them?
170
00:09:42,868 --> 00:09:45,234
They were just in a box
in the basement,
171
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:48,200
in chronological order,
individually wrapped.
172
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,167
What am I,
a mind reader?
173
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,434
Oh, come on, Al.
174
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:56,934
Rub Tubro. It'll make
you feel better.
175
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,501
Al! Get your grubby
paws off of him.
176
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:12,634
Don't you know what
he can mean
to this family?
177
00:10:12,634 --> 00:10:15,667
Money, prosperity,
happiness.
178
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:20,534
Oh, Tubro. You can be
the man of the house.
179
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,601
Peg, Tubro will never be
the man of the house
180
00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:24,634
because
Tubro can't cry.
181
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:29,634
Peg, how could you sell
the family Playboys?
182
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,934
Al, you are making
a big thing
183
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:36,501
out of something
that means nothing
to anyone but you.
184
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,033
Why is it always
my stuff?
185
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,300
Don't the kids
have anything
186
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:58,334
you can get 10 cents
on the dollar for?
187
00:10:58,334 --> 00:10:59,467
[DOORBELL
RINGS]
188
00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:00,467
Oh...
189
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:05,067
I cannot steal
from my children.
190
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,868
They lock their rooms.
191
00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:12,100
Al Bundy.
192
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:14,767
You, sir,
are maggot bits.
193
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:20,400
Oh, if only a man
could have two wives.
194
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,167
What did
he do now?
195
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,934
Well...Steve and I
were having
196
00:11:28,934 --> 00:11:31,434
a wonderful,
intimate encounter.
197
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:35,868
As usual, I was hummingthe
Battle Hymn of the Republic.
198
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:42,868
Then suddenly a thumbtack
bounced off my head.
199
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,100
I looked up and found
200
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:49,100
Miss October hanging
from the headboard
of my marital bed.
201
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,467
He found the issue.
202
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,567
Well...
203
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,334
after...
questioning him...
204
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:11,400
a nauseous,
teary Steve admitted
205
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,634
that this whole thing
was Al's perverted idea.
206
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,267
What is it
about men?
207
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:19,501
They have perfectly good
wives at home,
208
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:22,067
and yet they have to look
at women like these.
209
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:24,501
Well, I guess every
now and then, a guy
who drives a Dodge
210
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:27,434
likes to close his eyes
and imagine it's a Ferrari.
211
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:39,834
Yeah, but what difference
would that make to you?
212
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,501
You don't know
how to drive.
213
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,968
Well, from
this moment on,
214
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:55,200
you are no longer allowed
to play with Steve.
215
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,868
And I never want to
see another one
of these again.
216
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,801
Well, uh, let me
take that off your hands.
217
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:02,801
Of course.
218
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:10,601
Enjoy.
219
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,901
Al...do you ever think
about other women
220
00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:19,901
when we do it?
221
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,567
Nah.
222
00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:28,000
Peg, is this a nose,
a breast, or what?
223
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,834
You really
don't know, do you?
224
00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:38,868
Okay. I can see
you're gonna be
in a foul mood.
225
00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:41,567
Well, until you're ready
to discuss this rationally,
226
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:42,968
I will be in the kitchen
227
00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:45,167
winning the lottery
with Tubro.
228
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:50,367
What was I thinking?
229
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:51,367
I said, "I do."
230
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,367
I'd already
had sex with her.
231
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,501
I didn't need
that again.
232
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:03,367
Okay. Come on, baby.
233
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:05,868
Give me a good number.
Ha-ha-ha.
234
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:08,267
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
235
00:14:08,267 --> 00:14:10,534
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
236
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:12,434
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
237
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,901
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
238
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:18,968
Someone help me.
239
00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:23,300
Somewhere out there
must be someone
240
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:24,968
who's suffered
as much as I have.
241
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,200
I'm only glad my father
didn't live to see my shame.
242
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,834
[TOILET
FLUSHES]
243
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,801
Dad. I thought
you were dead.
244
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:57,367
I thought you
were alive.
245
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:07,868
Gee, Dad...
246
00:15:07,868 --> 00:15:09,868
last time I saw you
was at your funeral.
247
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:10,901
You look great.
248
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,067
They make you jog.
249
00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:16,534
So how's tricks?
250
00:15:16,534 --> 00:15:18,234
Great.
251
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,901
And how are
the kids?
252
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,267
Great.
253
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:23,167
And how are
my Playboys?
254
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,534
You know, don't you?
255
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,000
No, I care how you
and the kids are.
256
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:34,834
How could you
let that woman
sell our Playboys?
257
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,033
I couldn't
stop her.
258
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:39,968
You know, everybody
up there is laughing
at you.
259
00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:42,868
What do you mean,
everybody is
laughing at me?
260
00:15:42,868 --> 00:15:44,601
Is Abe Lincoln
laughing at me?
261
00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:47,334
Abe.
262
00:15:47,334 --> 00:15:48,367
Socrates.
263
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:50,968
Moe, Larry,
Curly.
264
00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:55,334
The Three Stooges
are laughing at me?
265
00:15:56,834 --> 00:15:58,767
What about...Marilyn Monroe?
266
00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:00,734
Is Marilyn laughing at me?
267
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:03,234
She doesn't even know
you're alive.
268
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:10,300
Look, Dad,
you're surrounded by
great minds up there.
269
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,934
Doesn't anybody know
anything about women?
270
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:13,934
Not a one.
271
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,300
Well, Plato used to have
a few theories,
272
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,667
but now he mostly just, uh...
takes young boys camping.
273
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:24,801
Look, kid...
274
00:16:24,801 --> 00:16:27,033
nobody really
understands anything
about women.
275
00:16:27,033 --> 00:16:29,467
And nobody ever will.
But the one thing we know:
276
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:33,567
They're the single greatest
problem facing the world today.
277
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:37,667
They must be stopped.
278
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:39,667
You must make a stand.
279
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,133
We're counting on you, Son.
280
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:44,868
Everybody in heaven
is counting on me?
281
00:16:44,868 --> 00:16:47,534
Yeah. See, we hid from
the women and had
a meeting.
282
00:16:49,868 --> 00:16:52,968
We decided that you
have to get her to get
your Playboys back.
283
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:57,534
The dignity of all men...
is riding on you.
284
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:58,901
Look at her, Dad.
285
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:01,567
I can't even get her
to give me a piece of cheese.
286
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:04,167
John Wayne thinks
that you can do it.
287
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:08,067
The Duke?
288
00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,934
The Duke wants me
to do it?
289
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:12,834
He's got a 5 spot
riding on you.
290
00:17:32,434 --> 00:17:34,000
Peggy.
291
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,000
Woman.
292
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,000
Pilgrim.
293
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,334
Listen up
and listen good.
294
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:43,634
Get up, get out
and get my Playboys.
295
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:46,467
But, Al...
296
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:47,467
Now!
297
00:18:02,434 --> 00:18:03,968
Well, how am I gonna
get them?
298
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:04,968
Don't care.
299
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,834
We want our Playboys!
300
00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:11,901
We? Who's we?
301
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:14,300
Me and all the guys.
302
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,467
All except Plato.
303
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:22,934
Okay.
304
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:27,000
That felt good.
I feel the Duke in me.
305
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,834
Young'uns,
get down here right now!
306
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:40,868
What is it,
Dad?
307
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:42,467
Want my car
washed, pronto.
308
00:18:47,601 --> 00:18:49,801
And you, little filly,
309
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:52,133
you're gonna cook me up
a man-sized dinner.
310
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,901
[LAUGHING]
311
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:58,033
What's with him?
312
00:18:58,033 --> 00:18:59,934
He's old
and confused.
313
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,501
Okay, who wants
a Tangwich?
314
00:19:14,701 --> 00:19:16,868
We don't like the way
you make them, Daddy.
315
00:19:16,868 --> 00:19:18,534
We like the way
Mom makes them.
316
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,868
She pinches the ends
so that the orange sand
doesn't run out.
317
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:26,300
Fine.
More for me.
318
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,000
When's Mom
coming home?
319
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,467
When her task
is done. Why?
320
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:34,234
Well, because when
we have a problem,
we like to ask Mom.
321
00:19:34,234 --> 00:19:36,100
What's the matter?
You can't learn from me?
322
00:19:43,801 --> 00:19:46,267
Listen...there's
nothing that you can
ask your mother
323
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:47,968
you can't ask me.
324
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:48,968
Go ahead. Shoot.
325
00:19:49,901 --> 00:19:52,033
Okay. Well...
326
00:19:52,033 --> 00:19:53,667
I'm ovulating...
327
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:58,601
And when this happens,
I get this pinching
little cramp.
328
00:19:58,601 --> 00:20:00,000
What should I do?
329
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,100
Walk it off.
330
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:10,801
And remember,
the next time, stretch
before you...ovulate.
331
00:20:16,234 --> 00:20:17,601
Bud.
332
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:20,000
Uh, no problems
here, Dad.
333
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:23,167
Good.
That's good.
334
00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:25,534
Now, I must
parent some more.
335
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:27,901
It's late. I want you both
to go straight to bed.
336
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:30,567
Okay,
Daddy.
337
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:41,801
Dad, you're not laughing
at me now, are you?
338
00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:57,434
My Playboys!
My babies!
339
00:20:57,434 --> 00:20:59,501
How did you
get them back?
340
00:20:59,501 --> 00:21:02,300
Well, I owe it all
to Tubro.
341
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:05,300
See, we were driving around
in your car, when suddenly--
342
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:08,100
Wait a second, Peg.
What were you doing in my car?
343
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,767
Well, Tubro
thought it was best.
344
00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:13,267
Anyhow...so we're
driving around in your car,
345
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:15,434
and I had no idea
how to get the money
346
00:21:15,434 --> 00:21:17,100
to get your magazines back.
347
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:21,000
So I started to rub Tubro's
belly, and suddenly, it hit us.
348
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,501
What? How to get
the money back?
349
00:21:22,501 --> 00:21:24,934
No, a Mercedes.
350
00:21:24,934 --> 00:21:27,467
Peg, a Mercedes
hit my car?
351
00:21:27,467 --> 00:21:31,067
Yeah. But don't worry.
I wasn't hurt. Ha-ha.
352
00:21:31,067 --> 00:21:33,868
Anyway, rather than going
through our insurance companies,
353
00:21:33,868 --> 00:21:36,100
the guy in the car
gave me enough money
354
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:37,767
to buy your Playboys back.
355
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:39,267
Aren't you proud of me?
356
00:21:39,267 --> 00:21:40,467
Well, wait a second,
Peg.
357
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,033
How much damage
was done to my car?
358
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:43,501
Oh...lots.
359
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:47,234
But I'm pretty sure
you can still drive it.
360
00:21:47,234 --> 00:21:48,667
I just think
you'd better leave
361
00:21:48,667 --> 00:21:50,067
a little early for work
tomorrow.
362
00:21:50,067 --> 00:21:52,868
because your car doesn't
turn left anymore.
363
00:21:52,868 --> 00:21:55,367
But I don't think
you'd want to anyway,
because, you know,
364
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:58,167
there's no door
on the side.
365
00:21:58,167 --> 00:21:59,701
Yeah, but
you're okay, right?
366
00:21:59,701 --> 00:22:01,534
Yeah.
367
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:05,000
Ah, who cares
if you're okay, and I can
only drive clockwise.
368
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,067
I don't care, because
I got my babies back.
369
00:22:09,067 --> 00:22:11,400
Look, Peg. Brandi Brandt.
Isn't she great?
370
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,000
I don't see
what's so hot about her.
371
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,300
Well, you will when she's
tacked up on the headboard.
372
00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:24,501
Upstairs!
Now!
373
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:25,534
Oh ho ho!
374
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,667
[***]1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:05,601
[***]
2
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,650
Wake up!
3
00:01:20,685 --> 00:01:22,365
Honey.
4
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,067
Honey, it's time
to go to school.
5
00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:27,332
Kelly Bundy!
6
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,167
I wasn't copying
off his paper! I swear!
7
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:32,899
Oh. Hi, Mom.
8
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:34,365
It's time
for school.
9
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,899
Oh, well, I can't
go to school yet.
10
00:01:35,934 --> 00:01:37,917
I've got this Current Events
report due today
11
00:01:37,952 --> 00:01:39,901
and I'm waiting for Bud
to bring me a newspaper.
12
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,566
Here it is, Kel.
13
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,567
Hot off
a bum's face.
14
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,732
The National
Investigator?
15
00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:52,967
Yeah, well, everybody's gonna
be using actual newspapers,
16
00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:56,167
and I decided our Kelly
should go the tabloid route.
17
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:00,599
Now, Kelly,
18
00:02:00,634 --> 00:02:02,801
which one of these
interests you?
19
00:02:02,836 --> 00:02:04,365
Let's see.
20
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,200
"Psychic predicts that someone
will watch GarryShandling. "
21
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:14,667
Or, "Spuds McKenzie just says
no to Justine Bateman. "
22
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:18,933
Oh, I'll take
that one.
23
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:20,868
At least someone's
heard of Spuds McKenzie.
24
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,199
Hey, look at this.
25
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:31,434
"New Jersey housewife wins
$8.7 million lottery. "
26
00:02:31,469 --> 00:02:34,200
Huh. And she won it
after rubbing the belly
27
00:02:34,235 --> 00:02:37,084
of her good luck
charm... Tubro,
28
00:02:37,119 --> 00:02:39,934
the fat, Panamanian
god of money.
29
00:02:39,969 --> 00:02:40,899
Hmm.
30
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:42,934
I need something
lucky to rub.
31
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:46,132
How about Kelly?
32
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,901
Every guy that rubs her gets lucky.
33
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,767
Oh, grow a face.
34
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,033
And let me do
my homework in peace.
35
00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:04,033
"Sp-uds Mc... "
36
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:10,067
Will you look
at this?
37
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:11,901
My little girl
is reading.
38
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:16,017
Daddy, you made me
lose my place.
39
00:03:16,052 --> 00:03:17,901
Now I have to start
all over again.
40
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:21,250
"Sp-uds... "
41
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,267
Look at her go.
42
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,767
One Bundy woman is reaching
for the stars this morning.
43
00:03:28,802 --> 00:03:30,032
Let's go
for two.
44
00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,583
Peg, make
my breakfast.
45
00:03:31,618 --> 00:03:33,100
Crack an egg
for Daddy.
46
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:38,434
Where would I get an egg
at this time of day?
47
00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:41,100
Ha-ha. You are
such an idiot.
48
00:03:41,135 --> 00:03:42,566
By the way...
49
00:03:42,601 --> 00:03:45,950
Al, honey, I want
to win the lottery.
50
00:03:45,985 --> 00:03:49,300
So could I have $195
so I can buy Tubro,
51
00:03:49,335 --> 00:03:51,666
the fat Panamanian
god of money?
52
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:55,033
Peg, you know what $195
can mean to this family?
53
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,917
It means food,
it means shelter.
54
00:03:56,952 --> 00:03:58,767
It means college
for the children.
55
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:01,334
What's this word?
56
00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:05,033
A.
57
00:04:07,701 --> 00:04:10,000
Oh... just like
the letter.
58
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,434
[TOILET
FLUSHES]
59
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,534
Thanks for watching
the store for me, guys.
60
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,866
Hey, Al.
61
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,400
I got off work
a little early today.
62
00:04:30,435 --> 00:04:31,365
Whatcha doing?
63
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,800
Ah, just trying to kill
another 60 years
64
00:04:33,835 --> 00:04:36,200
so Willard Scott can say
hi to me on TV.
65
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,567
You know, Al, your problem
is you don't take time
66
00:04:40,602 --> 00:04:42,599
to appreciate
the finer things in life.
67
00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:45,634
Come with me to a museum,
a symphony, an opera.
68
00:04:45,669 --> 00:04:46,899
You are never too old
69
00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:49,033
to experience...
Hooter alert!
70
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:57,067
Oh, miss... here,
let me help you.
71
00:04:57,102 --> 00:04:58,365
Come over here
and sit down.
72
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,200
I'll get you some uh...
What do I sell here?
73
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:03,767
Shoes.
Yeah, shoes.
74
00:05:03,802 --> 00:05:05,165
Would you like one?
75
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,367
Ah, let me
handle this, Al.
76
00:05:07,402 --> 00:05:09,668
How about something...
in a man
77
00:05:09,703 --> 00:05:11,885
who'll give you
everything he owns?
78
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,032
Oh, I already have
a pair of those.
79
00:05:14,067 --> 00:05:17,501
What I need right now
is a pair of stiletto heels,
80
00:05:17,536 --> 00:05:19,234
black, size 6.
81
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,968
I'm not leaving.
82
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:34,734
I'm not either.
83
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,432
Okay.
84
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,901
We'll both
go get them.
85
00:05:40,936 --> 00:05:42,418
One...
86
00:05:42,453 --> 00:05:43,866
Two...
87
00:05:43,901 --> 00:05:45,267
Uh-ha. Hah.
88
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:47,934
STEVE:
Give me that!
89
00:05:47,969 --> 00:05:48,933
AL:
I'll take that!
90
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:50,367
STEVE:
Let me out there!
91
00:05:50,402 --> 00:05:51,767
AL:
Give me room here!
92
00:05:51,802 --> 00:05:53,334
Give me room!
93
00:05:53,369 --> 00:05:55,332
Ha.
94
00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:56,767
After you, Steve.
95
00:05:56,802 --> 00:05:57,834
Ah.
96
00:06:00,033 --> 00:06:02,067
Oh, Steve. Let me
help you up.
97
00:06:05,868 --> 00:06:07,334
I got them
for you.
98
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:11,033
And I helped.
99
00:06:13,167 --> 00:06:14,517
Ah-huh.
100
00:06:14,552 --> 00:06:15,833
Ah.
101
00:06:15,868 --> 00:06:17,466
There you are.
102
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:19,032
Do you mind if
I walk in them?
103
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:21,634
Well, I prefer you dance in
them, but it's not mandatory.
104
00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,334
You're so cute.
105
00:06:25,369 --> 00:06:26,701
[LAUGHING]
106
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:32,567
Steve, I know
I've seen her before.
107
00:06:32,602 --> 00:06:34,100
I just can't
place where.
108
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,400
That's it!
109
00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:38,998
Steve,
she's a Playmate.
110
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:42,367
From Playboy magazine.
Miss October, 1987.
111
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,599
Can't be.
112
00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:45,767
Steve, I may not know
the color of my wife's eyes.
113
00:06:45,802 --> 00:06:47,434
I don't know my
children's birthday.
114
00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,299
But I know...
115
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:52,065
I know that's Brandi Brandt.
Born 1968.
116
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,734
Teeny, teeny birthmark
around bend of left knee.
117
00:06:56,769 --> 00:06:58,601
Favorite movie,
The Big Bus.
118
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:03,467
Watch this.
I'll prove it to you.
119
00:07:03,502 --> 00:07:05,998
Uh, miss.
Excuse me.
120
00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:09,868
Aren't you Brandi Brandt,
Miss October, 1987?
121
00:07:09,903 --> 00:07:11,618
Why, yes.
122
00:07:11,653 --> 00:07:13,334
[GIGGLING]
123
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:21,534
I've always admired
your work.
124
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,098
Yeah, it is
a lot of work.
125
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:27,567
You know that shot of me
leaning up against the truck
126
00:07:27,602 --> 00:07:29,735
alone took five hours.
127
00:07:29,770 --> 00:07:31,868
Oh, I know how
you feel.
128
00:07:31,903 --> 00:07:33,232
Oh, when I was 7,
129
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:35,517
our class had our picture
taken on a fire truck.
130
00:07:35,552 --> 00:07:37,776
It was really big, and
they let me ring the bell.
131
00:07:37,811 --> 00:07:40,000
But when they took the
picture, my back was turned,
132
00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:41,401
so you couldn't
tell it was me.
133
00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:42,767
But they made me
buy one anyway.
134
00:07:42,802 --> 00:07:44,100
Can I sit
on your lap?
135
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,666
I love the shoes.
How much?
136
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,165
Oh, well,
they're on the house.
137
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,167
After all, you made it
possible for Steve and I
138
00:07:51,202 --> 00:07:52,334
to have sex
with our wives.
139
00:07:58,501 --> 00:07:59,899
You really have
140
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:02,400
Brandi's issue
of Playboy?
141
00:08:02,435 --> 00:08:05,265
I've got 'em all,
Steve.
142
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,701
I've been collecting
Playboys my whole life.
143
00:08:07,736 --> 00:08:10,000
My dad got me started
on the hobby.
144
00:08:10,035 --> 00:08:11,834
It was my 12th
birthday.
145
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,467
We watched Mom Singapore
Sling herself into oblivion.
146
00:08:16,502 --> 00:08:17,899
Then we went down
in the basement.
147
00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:21,200
There, behind the toolbox,
was Dad's stash.
148
00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:23,067
Oh, the breasts
we saw that night.
149
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,100
And when Dad died,
he gave them all to me.
150
00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:30,065
I'll be right back.
151
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,734
Now, you stay here.
Look cool.
152
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:39,934
Hoo, we're gonna
see Brandi.
153
00:08:39,969 --> 00:08:41,000
We're gonna
see Brandi.
154
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:48,901
They're gone,
Steve.
155
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,065
My Playboys.
156
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,033
My stable. My women.
My life.
157
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,501
What could have
happened to them?
158
00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:58,650
Oh, hi, Al.
159
00:08:58,685 --> 00:08:59,732
Look, honey.
160
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:02,067
I got a Tubro
of my very own.
161
00:09:02,102 --> 00:09:04,367
Oh, happy day.
162
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:10,466
Uh, Peg, you mind
if I cut in for a second?
163
00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:13,634
Peg, where did you get
the money to buy old Tubro?
164
00:09:13,669 --> 00:09:15,133
I sold your Playboys.
165
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,400
Oh. Did you want them?
166
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:31,033
Al... you haven't said
anything for two hours.
167
00:09:31,068 --> 00:09:33,033
How about
a little smile?
168
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:40,599
Oh, honey... what's
the big deal?
169
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:42,934
How was I supposed to know
you wanted them?
170
00:09:42,969 --> 00:09:45,199
They were just in a box
in the basement,
171
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:48,200
in chronological order,
individually wrapped.
172
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,167
What am I,
a mind reader?
173
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,399
Oh, come on, Al.
174
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:56,934
Rub Tubro. It'll make
you feel better.
175
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,501
Al! Get your grubby
paws off of him.
176
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:12,634
Don't you know what he
can mean to this family?
177
00:10:12,669 --> 00:10:15,632
Money, prosperity,
happiness.
178
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:19,134
Oh, Tubro. You can be
the man of the house.
179
00:10:19,169 --> 00:10:22,601
Peg, Tubro will never be
the man of the house
180
00:10:22,636 --> 00:10:24,634
because
Tubro can't cry.
181
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:29,634
Peg, how could you sell
the family Playboys?
182
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,899
Al, you are making
a big thing
183
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:36,501
out of something that means
nothing to anyone but you.
184
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,750
Why is it always
my stuff?
185
00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:56,265
Don't the kids
have anything
186
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:58,334
you can get 10 cents
on the dollar for?
187
00:10:58,369 --> 00:10:59,467
[DOORBELL
RINGS]
188
00:10:59,502 --> 00:11:00,467
Oh...
189
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:05,067
I cannot steal
from my children.
190
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,868
They lock their rooms.
191
00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:12,065
Al Bundy.
192
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:14,767
You, sir,
are maggot bits.
193
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:20,400
Oh, if only a man
could have two wives.
194
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,132
What did
he do now?
195
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,800
Well... Steve and I
were having
196
00:11:28,835 --> 00:11:31,399
a wonderful,
intimate encounter.
197
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:35,868
As usual, I was hummingthe
Battle Hymn of the Republic.
198
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:42,868
Then suddenly a thumbtack
bounced off my head.
199
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:45,065
I looked up and found
200
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:49,100
Miss October hanging from the
headboard of my marital bed.
201
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,467
He found the issue.
202
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,532
Well...
203
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,334
after...
questioning him...
204
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:11,365
a nauseous,
teary Steve admitted
205
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,634
that this whole thing
was Al's perverted idea.
206
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,232
What is it
about men?
207
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:19,466
They have perfectly good
wives at home,
208
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:22,032
and yet they have to look
at women like these.
209
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:24,501
Well, I guess every now and
then, a guy who drives a Dodge
210
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:27,434
likes to close his eyes
and imagine it's a Ferrari.
211
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:39,834
Yeah, but what difference
would that make to you?
212
00:12:39,869 --> 00:12:41,501
You don't know
how to drive.
213
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,933
Well, from
this moment on,
214
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:55,200
you are no longer allowed
to play with Steve.
215
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,868
And I never want to see
another one of these again.
216
00:12:59,903 --> 00:13:01,801
Well, uh, let me
take that off your hands.
217
00:13:01,836 --> 00:13:02,801
Of course.
218
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:10,601
Enjoy.
219
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,901
Al... do you ever think
about other women
220
00:13:18,936 --> 00:13:19,901
when we do it?
221
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,567
Nah.
222
00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:28,000
Peg, is this a nose,
a breast, or what?
223
00:13:28,035 --> 00:13:30,834
You really
don't know, do you?
224
00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:38,833
Okay. I can see you're
gonna be in a foul mood.
225
00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:41,567
Well, until you're ready
to discuss this rationally,
226
00:13:41,602 --> 00:13:42,933
I will be in the kitchen
227
00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:45,167
winning the lottery
with Tubro.
228
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:50,367
What was I thinking?
229
00:13:50,402 --> 00:13:51,367
I said, "I do. "
230
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,284
I'd already
had sex with her.
231
00:13:56,319 --> 00:13:57,501
I didn't need
that again.
232
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:03,332
Okay. Come on, baby.
233
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:05,833
Give me a good number.
Ha-ha-ha.
234
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:08,201
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
235
00:14:08,236 --> 00:14:10,335
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
236
00:14:10,370 --> 00:14:12,135
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
237
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:13,901
Chatta, chatta
Tubra yumbra
238
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:18,968
Someone help me.
239
00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:23,151
Somewhere out there
must be someone
240
00:14:23,186 --> 00:14:24,968
who's suffered
as much as I have.
241
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,200
I'm only glad my father
didn't live to see my shame.
242
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,834
[TOILET
FLUSHES]
243
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,900
Dad. I thought
you were dead.
244
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:57,367
I thought you
were alive.
245
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:07,833
Gee, Dad...
246
00:15:07,868 --> 00:15:09,868
last time I saw you
was at your funeral.
247
00:15:09,903 --> 00:15:10,901
You look great.
248
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,067
They make you jog.
249
00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:16,534
So how's tricks?
250
00:15:16,569 --> 00:15:18,199
Great.
251
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,901
And how are
the kids?
252
00:15:19,936 --> 00:15:21,232
Great.
253
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:23,167
And how are
my Playboys?
254
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,499
You know, don't you?
255
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,000
No, I care how you
and the kids are.
256
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:34,834
How could you let that woman
sell our Playboys?
257
00:15:34,869 --> 00:15:36,998
I couldn't
stop her.
258
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:39,950
You know, everybody up
there is laughing at you.
259
00:15:39,985 --> 00:15:42,868
What do you mean,
everybody is laughing at me?
260
00:15:42,903 --> 00:15:44,601
Is Abe Lincoln
laughing at me?
261
00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:47,299
Abe.
262
00:15:47,334 --> 00:15:48,367
Socrates.
263
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:50,968
Moe, Larry,
Curly.
264
00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:55,334
The Three Stooges
are laughing at me?
265
00:15:56,834 --> 00:15:58,784
What about... Marilyn Monroe?
266
00:15:58,819 --> 00:16:00,699
Is Marilyn laughing at me?
267
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:03,234
She doesn't even know
you're alive.
268
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:10,300
Look, Dad, you're surrounded
by great minds up there.
269
00:16:10,335 --> 00:16:12,934
Doesn't anybody know
anything about women?
270
00:16:12,969 --> 00:16:13,934
Not a one.
271
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,265
Well, Plato used to have
a few theories,
272
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,667
but now he mostly just, uh...
takes young boys camping.
273
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:24,766
Look, kid...
274
00:16:24,801 --> 00:16:27,134
nobody really understands
anything about women.
275
00:16:27,169 --> 00:16:29,432
And nobody ever will.
But the one thing we know:
276
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:33,567
They're the single greatest
problem facing the world today.
277
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:37,700
They must be stopped.
278
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,632
You must make a stand.
279
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,133
We're counting on you, Son.
280
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:44,833
Everybody in heaven
is counting on me?
281
00:16:44,868 --> 00:16:47,534
Yeah. See, we hid from the
women and had a meeting.
282
00:16:49,868 --> 00:16:52,968
We decided that you have to get her
to get your Playboys back.
283
00:16:53,003 --> 00:16:57,534
The dignity of all men...
is riding on you.
284
00:16:57,569 --> 00:16:58,866
Look at her, Dad.
285
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:01,567
I can't even get her
to give me a piece of cheese.
286
00:17:01,602 --> 00:17:04,167
John Wayne thinks
that you can do it.
287
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:08,032
The Duke?
288
00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,934
The Duke wants me
to do it?
289
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:12,834
He's got a 5 spot
riding on you.
290
00:17:32,434 --> 00:17:33,717
Peggy.
291
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,000
Woman.
292
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,000
Pilgrim.
293
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,299
Listen up
and listen good.
294
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:43,634
Get up, get out
and get my Playboys.
295
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:46,467
But, Al...
296
00:17:46,502 --> 00:17:47,467
Now!
297
00:18:02,434 --> 00:18:03,968
Well, how am I gonna
get them?
298
00:18:04,003 --> 00:18:04,968
Don't care.
299
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,834
We want our Playboys!
300
00:18:09,869 --> 00:18:11,866
We? Who's we?
301
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:13,684
Me and all the guys.
302
00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:15,467
All except Plato.
303
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:22,934
Okay.
304
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:27,000
That felt good.
I feel the Duke in me.
305
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,834
Young'uns,
get down here right now!
306
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:40,833
What is it,
Dad?
307
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:42,467
Want my car
washed, pronto.
308
00:18:47,601 --> 00:18:49,766
And you, little filly,
309
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:52,133
you're gonna cook me up
a man-sized dinner.
310
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,901
[LAUGHING]
311
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:57,998
What's with him?
312
00:18:58,033 --> 00:18:59,934
He's old
and confused.
313
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,501
Okay, who wants
a Tangwich?
314
00:19:14,701 --> 00:19:16,868
We don't like the way
you make them, Daddy.
315
00:19:16,903 --> 00:19:18,534
We like the way
Mom makes them.
316
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,868
She pinches the ends so that
the orange sand doesn't run out.
317
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:26,300
Fine.
More for me.
318
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,534
When's Mom
coming home?
319
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,432
When her task
is done. Why?
320
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:34,234
Well, because when we have a
problem, we like to ask Mom.
321
00:19:34,269 --> 00:19:36,100
What's the matter?
You can't learn from me?
322
00:19:43,801 --> 00:19:46,267
Listen... there's nothing
that you can ask your mother
323
00:19:46,302 --> 00:19:47,635
you can't ask me.
324
00:19:47,670 --> 00:19:48,968
Go ahead. Shoot.
325
00:19:49,901 --> 00:19:51,784
Okay. Well...
326
00:19:51,819 --> 00:19:53,667
I'm ovulating...
327
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:58,601
And when this happens, I get
this pinching little cramp.
328
00:19:58,636 --> 00:20:00,000
What should I do?
329
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,100
Walk it off.
330
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:10,801
And remember, the next time,
stretch before you... ovulate.
331
00:20:16,234 --> 00:20:17,566
Bud.
332
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:20,000
Uh, no problems
here, Dad.
333
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:23,132
Good.
That's good.
334
00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:25,499
Now, I must
parent some more.
335
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:27,901
It's late. I want you both
to go straight to bed.
336
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:30,567
Okay,
Daddy.
337
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:41,801
Dad, you're not laughing
at me now, are you?
338
00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:57,367
My Playboys!
My babies!
339
00:20:57,402 --> 00:20:59,851
How did you
get them back?
340
00:20:59,886 --> 00:21:02,265
Well, I owe it all
to Tubro.
341
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:05,300
See, we were driving around
in your car, when suddenly...
342
00:21:05,335 --> 00:21:08,100
Wait a second, Peg.
What were you doing in my car?
343
00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:10,732
Well, Tubro
thought it was best.
344
00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:13,267
Anyhow... so we're
driving around in your car,
345
00:21:13,302 --> 00:21:15,434
and I had no idea
how to get the money
346
00:21:15,469 --> 00:21:17,065
to get your magazines back.
347
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:21,000
So I started to rub Tubro's
belly, and suddenly, it hit us.
348
00:21:21,035 --> 00:21:22,501
What? How to get
the money back?
349
00:21:22,536 --> 00:21:24,899
No, a Mercedes.
350
00:21:24,934 --> 00:21:27,432
Peg, a Mercedes
hit my car?
351
00:21:27,467 --> 00:21:31,032
Yeah. But don't worry.
I wasn't hurt. Ha-ha.
352
00:21:31,067 --> 00:21:33,868
Anyway, rather than going
through our insurance companies,
353
00:21:33,903 --> 00:21:36,100
the guy in the car
gave me enough money
354
00:21:36,135 --> 00:21:37,767
to buy your Playboys back.
355
00:21:37,802 --> 00:21:39,134
Aren't you proud of me?
356
00:21:39,169 --> 00:21:40,432
Well, wait a second,
Peg.
357
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,033
How much damage
was done to my car?
358
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:43,501
Oh... lots.
359
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:47,234
But I'm pretty sure
you can still drive it.
360
00:21:47,269 --> 00:21:48,668
I just think
you'd better leave
361
00:21:48,703 --> 00:21:50,032
a little early for work
tomorrow.
362
00:21:50,067 --> 00:21:52,833
because your car doesn't
turn left anymore.
363
00:21:52,868 --> 00:21:55,367
But I don't think you'd want
to anyway, because, you know,
364
00:21:55,402 --> 00:21:57,551
there's no door
on the side.
365
00:21:57,586 --> 00:21:59,701
Yeah, but
you're okay, right?
366
00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,499
Yeah.
367
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:05,000
Ah, who cares if you're okay,
and I can only drive clockwise.
368
00:22:05,035 --> 00:22:08,217
I don't care, because
I got my babies back.
369
00:22:08,252 --> 00:22:11,400
Look, Peg. Brandi Brandt.
Isn't she great?
370
00:22:11,435 --> 00:22:13,965
I don't see
what's so hot about her.
371
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,300
Well, you will when she's
tacked up on the headboard.
372
00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:24,501
Upstairs!
Now!
373
00:22:24,536 --> 00:22:25,534
Oh ho ho!
374
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,667
[***]1
00:00:03,801 --> 00:00:06,200
[***]
2
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,432
Oh, come on.
3
00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,799
I really don't
spend that much.
4
00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:23,167
Can't I keep just one
of my credit cards?
5
00:01:23,202 --> 00:01:25,501
I'll make you
a sandwich.
6
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,098
No, thank you,
ma'am.
7
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:33,017
I had a couple of
doughnuts this morning,
8
00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:34,901
waiting for a jumper
to make up his mind.
9
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:38,667
The cards,
please.
10
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,232
Okay, fine.
11
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,165
But you ought
to be ashamed.
12
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,234
You really don't have
anything better to do
13
00:01:45,269 --> 00:01:46,232
than harass me
14
00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:48,734
when there are real
criminals out there?
15
00:01:48,769 --> 00:01:51,265
I mean,
my husband alone
16
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:54,934
has over 100 unpaid
parking tickets.
17
00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:02,834
That's AIBundy,
right?
18
00:02:02,869 --> 00:02:04,100
Uh-huh.
19
00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:08,833
Don't tell him
that I told you.
20
00:02:08,868 --> 00:02:12,200
Uh, is there any reward
for turning him in?
21
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,799
Hey, don't forget,
22
00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:24,701
if we paid taxes,
we'd be paying your salary.
23
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:33,067
Well, kids, we have
no more credit cards.
24
00:02:33,102 --> 00:02:34,532
Let this be
a lesson to you.
25
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,567
Marry someone
who can afford you.
26
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:40,965
Mom, was there
ever a time
27
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,367
when Dad could have
made something of his life?
28
00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:49,100
Yes, actually,
back before you were born,
29
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,299
I remember we were
watching TV,
30
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:53,550
and he said,
"I wish there was some way
31
00:02:53,585 --> 00:02:55,767
to change the channel
from my seat. "
32
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,934
That was as close
as he ever came.
33
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:03,000
Still not
a bad idea.
34
00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:10,567
Hi, honey.
How was your day?
35
00:03:10,602 --> 00:03:11,933
Hey, I came home.
36
00:03:11,968 --> 00:03:14,400
How good could it
have been?
37
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,667
But at least I got to cheer
the guys up at the gas station.
38
00:03:24,702 --> 00:03:26,868
See, after I filled up
the old war-wagon,
39
00:03:26,903 --> 00:03:28,833
I pulled out
the credit card.
40
00:03:28,868 --> 00:03:31,667
They pulled out the switchblade,
cut it up.
41
00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:34,300
Then we all laughed.
42
00:03:35,701 --> 00:03:37,432
Then they
gave me a hose,
43
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,367
made me suck all the gas
back out of the car.
44
00:03:41,334 --> 00:03:43,667
But I got the last laugh,
though.
45
00:03:43,702 --> 00:03:46,000
I swallowed about
50 cents worth.
46
00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,100
Well, let's take
your mind off it.
47
00:03:50,135 --> 00:03:51,567
Here are the bills.
48
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,534
Feel better,
honey?
49
00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:02,334
Ed McMahon says I may
owe him $10 million?
50
00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:10,367
Oh, what are the chances
of it really being you?
51
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:15,601
Ah, the phone bill.
52
00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:20,534
Hey, we qualify
for the gold bill.
53
00:04:20,569 --> 00:04:23,332
That's great! I knew we could do it!
54
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:26,334
Peg, Peg, could you
cut out the festivities
55
00:04:26,369 --> 00:04:27,601
till after I'm done?
56
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,834
Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee,
57
00:04:30,869 --> 00:04:32,132
that's the town
they built
58
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:34,801
around your mother,
isn't it, Peg?
59
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,300
Look at all
these toll calls!
60
00:04:39,335 --> 00:04:41,534
Who called
the lust line?
61
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,300
Well, it's not
what you think, Dad.
62
00:04:45,335 --> 00:04:46,799
It's just
naked girls
63
00:04:46,834 --> 00:04:49,367
talking dirty to me
on the phone.
64
00:04:49,402 --> 00:04:52,334
Well, that's okay,
then.
65
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,501
What about these three pages
of toll calls
66
00:04:56,536 --> 00:04:59,100
to the heavy metal
hotline?
67
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:03,467
Oh, then, that must
have been me, Dad.
68
00:05:03,502 --> 00:05:05,235
But I was saving
you money.
69
00:05:05,270 --> 00:05:06,933
How did you
do that, pumpkin?
70
00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:10,367
Well, because they said
that it's $3.00
71
00:05:10,402 --> 00:05:11,499
for the first minute
72
00:05:11,534 --> 00:05:13,300
and 50 cents for each
additional minute.
73
00:05:13,335 --> 00:05:15,532
So, rather than
get charged extra,
74
00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:19,334
I'd hang up after a minute,
and then call back.
75
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:30,968
Well, at least
she's trying, Al.
76
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,868
Oh, God!
77
00:05:38,434 --> 00:05:41,100
See, honey, we're sorry
you had a bad day.
78
00:05:41,135 --> 00:05:43,701
Would you like
some dinner?
79
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:48,199
Yeah.
80
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:51,767
Gee, I was hoping
you'd say no.
81
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:55,499
Oh, hey, Dad,
Mrs. Donnelly called,
82
00:05:55,534 --> 00:05:57,901
and she said her slipper
won't fit over her bunion,
83
00:05:57,936 --> 00:05:59,801
and she wants to know
what she should do.
84
00:05:59,836 --> 00:06:01,518
Start walking
on all fours
85
00:06:01,553 --> 00:06:03,426
the way God
intended her to.
86
00:06:03,461 --> 00:06:05,581
What's wrong
with these people?
87
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,666
If I had a dime
for every time
88
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,968
they called me
and asked for shoe advice, I...
89
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,199
Wait a second.
I just had a vision.
90
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:17,567
Peg, I think I know a way
that we can make a fortune.
91
00:06:17,602 --> 00:06:18,834
You want to hear
about it?
92
00:06:18,869 --> 00:06:20,568
No.
Not really.
93
00:06:20,603 --> 00:06:22,485
I don't think so.
94
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,332
I'll give you a hint.
95
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:28,033
What can I do better
than anyone else?
96
00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:31,534
Stink up a shoe?
97
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,701
Sweat through the couch?
98
00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:38,200
Miss the toilet
in the dark?
99
00:06:42,634 --> 00:06:45,017
Hey, Marcie.
Guess what.
100
00:06:45,052 --> 00:06:46,993
I'm closing another loan,
101
00:06:47,028 --> 00:06:49,664
and that puts me
in the lead
102
00:06:49,699 --> 00:06:52,265
for that free trip
to Hawaii.
103
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:56,834
Yeah, the hick's signing
the papers right now.
104
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:00,965
Oh, not you.
105
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,566
I was talking
about some other hick.
106
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:08,200
Uh, listen, Marce,
the hick is staring at me.
107
00:07:08,235 --> 00:07:09,599
I gotta go.
108
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:12,834
Keep the poi
warm for Daddy.
109
00:07:12,869 --> 00:07:14,651
Thank you,
Mr. Rhoades.
110
00:07:14,686 --> 00:07:16,399
Your loan
saved our farm.
111
00:07:16,434 --> 00:07:18,632
Well, you know,
we only care about you.
112
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:21,968
Well, you know, you really have
to come for supper one night.
113
00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:24,434
Yeah, right, watch for me
in the window.
114
00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:25,534
Aloha!
115
00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:28,684
I'm in the lead.
116
00:07:28,719 --> 00:07:30,434
* I'm in the lead *
117
00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:33,567
I'm going
to Hawaii.
118
00:07:33,602 --> 00:07:35,365
Hey, Steve.
119
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,834
I'm glad
I caught you.
120
00:07:36,869 --> 00:07:38,132
I need a loan.
121
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:40,267
See, I'm gonna buy
my own toll line.
122
00:07:40,302 --> 00:07:41,232
Yeah,
it'll be great.
123
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,868
People'll pay
2 bucks a pop
124
00:07:42,903 --> 00:07:43,998
just to talk
to me.
125
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:45,499
Now, I know what
you're thinking,
126
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:47,599
it's just another
sex line, but it isn't.
127
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,868
This is something that
I know something about.
128
00:07:50,903 --> 00:07:53,435
Ready?
129
00:07:53,470 --> 00:07:55,968
555-SHOE.
130
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,667
Al, no banker
in his right mind
131
00:08:01,702 --> 00:08:03,065
would give you
5 cents
132
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:06,033
for such a moronic,
bunny-brained idea.
133
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:08,767
[WHISTLES]
134
00:08:08,802 --> 00:08:10,065
Ha-ha.
135
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,467
Aloha,
Rhoades.
136
00:08:12,502 --> 00:08:13,934
Ha-ha.
137
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:17,267
Al, you've got
your loan.
138
00:08:17,302 --> 00:08:18,666
You need $50,000,
you say?
139
00:08:18,701 --> 00:08:20,501
Well, actually,
I only need 18.
140
00:08:20,536 --> 00:08:21,784
No, you need 50.
141
00:08:21,819 --> 00:08:22,998
Sign right here.
142
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,200
We'll fill in
the rest later.
143
00:08:25,235 --> 00:08:27,117
[BELL RINGS]
144
00:08:27,152 --> 00:08:29,000
Hawaii! Hawaii!
145
00:08:29,035 --> 00:08:30,501
Ha-ha.
146
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:42,333
Tiny bubbles
up your nose, Swensen.
147
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:45,332
Rhoades, I want
to talk to you.
148
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,467
Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Peamon.
Right away, sir.
149
00:08:47,502 --> 00:08:49,834
Get lost, Al.
It's the president.
150
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,634
I voted
for you.
151
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,584
What did you want
to see me about, sir?
152
00:09:05,619 --> 00:09:07,199
Rhoades, do you know
how many loans
153
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:10,100
you've written this year
that have gone bad?
154
00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:11,634
One or two.
155
00:09:11,669 --> 00:09:13,334
Forty.
156
00:09:13,369 --> 00:09:14,965
[MOUTHING]
157
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,834
Well, I guess that gives me
something to think about
158
00:09:17,869 --> 00:09:20,265
while I'm on
that beach in Hawaii.
159
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,067
Well, I hope your zeal
to win this trip
160
00:09:22,102 --> 00:09:23,468
hasn't affected
your judgment.
161
00:09:23,503 --> 00:09:24,799
For example,
let's talk about
162
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:26,334
the loan that
put you over the top.
163
00:09:26,369 --> 00:09:28,634
Yes, sir.
The, uh, Bundy loan.
164
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,599
Solid as they come.
165
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,400
You really believe
in the loan?
166
00:09:31,435 --> 00:09:33,132
With my heart
and soul, sir.
167
00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:34,868
Would you put your job
on the line for it?
168
00:09:34,903 --> 00:09:36,551
No, sir.
169
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,165
Then I will.
170
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,734
If this Bundy
doesn't come through,
171
00:09:40,769 --> 00:09:42,300
you're fired.
172
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,100
Honey, no one is
stupid enough
173
00:09:50,135 --> 00:09:52,734
to call
a shoe hotline.
174
00:09:52,769 --> 00:09:53,699
Oh yeah?
175
00:09:53,734 --> 00:09:55,184
Well, everyone
in high school
176
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,193
said no one
was stupid enough
177
00:09:57,228 --> 00:09:59,167
to marry
the big redhead.
178
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,100
But someone was,
wasn't he?
179
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:04,165
Oh, look.
180
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,834
Daddy's commercial's
coming on.
181
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:15,365
Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.
182
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,033
The man on the side
of your feet.
183
00:10:19,068 --> 00:10:20,234
I'm
a goner.
184
00:10:20,269 --> 00:10:21,732
Shh!
185
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,901
Excuse me.
I'm getting a call.
186
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,200
[RINGS]
187
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,750
Dr. Shoe.
188
00:10:35,785 --> 00:10:37,632
Hello.
189
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:41,400
Oh, Dr. Shoe,
I don't know what to do.
190
00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:45,098
I'm going to a party
in five minutes,
191
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:48,133
and my shoes are too tight
for both of my feet.
192
00:10:48,168 --> 00:10:49,799
Ouch.
193
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,267
Can you help me?
194
00:10:54,133 --> 00:10:55,833
Has this
happened to you?
195
00:10:55,868 --> 00:10:58,067
I'm willing
to bet that it has.
196
00:10:58,102 --> 00:10:59,098
As a matter of fact,
197
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:02,567
I'm betting 50,000 bucks
that it has.
198
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:07,334
So, if you're
like Muffy here,
199
00:11:07,369 --> 00:11:09,532
heh, heh,
200
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:12,167
or even if you're
just fat and ugly
201
00:11:12,202 --> 00:11:13,801
and have
a shoe problem,
202
00:11:13,836 --> 00:11:15,400
call me
on the shoe line.
203
00:11:15,435 --> 00:11:17,901
That's 555-SHOE.
204
00:11:17,936 --> 00:11:20,118
Can I help?
205
00:11:20,153 --> 00:11:22,265
Shoe betcha!
206
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,367
I feel
better already.
207
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,384
And don't forget.
208
00:11:29,419 --> 00:11:31,601
Se habla shoe.
209
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,200
I see you're all
looking at me
210
00:11:38,235 --> 00:11:40,300
a little bit
differently now.
211
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,232
Okay, everybody,
212
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:44,098
man your positions
by the phone.
213
00:11:44,133 --> 00:11:46,267
Research shows 98 percent
of the calls happen
214
00:11:46,302 --> 00:11:47,467
in the first
three minutes.
215
00:11:47,502 --> 00:11:48,901
Let's go!
Let's go!
216
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,332
Honey,
217
00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:03,484
let's just say
that for one minute,
218
00:12:03,519 --> 00:12:06,566
this shoe line
doesn't work out.
219
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,034
Not that I'm being
negative, mind you.
220
00:12:09,069 --> 00:12:11,768
It's just that no one
has called today,
221
00:12:11,803 --> 00:12:14,467
and no one will call
for a million years.
222
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,532
So, uh, honey,
223
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,732
just out of curiosity,
224
00:12:20,767 --> 00:12:22,434
what did you use
for collateral?
225
00:12:22,469 --> 00:12:24,199
The only thing
we have.
226
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:28,466
Our plunger with
100,000 miles on it?
227
00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:31,267
Yeah, that's right, Peg.
Keep on stroking me.
228
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,734
No, and this is where I made
my most brilliant move.
229
00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:39,400
All I had to do was
sign over the house.
230
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:42,866
Good, honey.
231
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:45,634
I was getting sick
of living indoors.
232
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,701
Ok, kids. Come on,
it's almost midnight.
233
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:51,968
Time for bed.
234
00:12:52,003 --> 00:12:53,667
Come on.
235
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:55,601
[GROANS]
236
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,365
Did Dad get
any calls?
237
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,801
Yeah, Mom called
him an idiot.
238
00:13:02,467 --> 00:13:05,400
Steve, you haven't
given up on me, have you?
239
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,801
[DOORBELL RINGS]
240
00:13:09,836 --> 00:13:10,998
Dr. Shoe!
241
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:13,699
It's the
doorbell, Al.
242
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,234
Well, get it, Peg.
I'm on the phone.
243
00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:16,467
Dr. Shoe.
244
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,933
The government
should be paying us.
245
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,734
I mean, if he's
not disabled, who is?
246
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:30,601
Well, Steve, you told me
not to yell at you
247
00:13:30,636 --> 00:13:32,267
about the loan
until midnight.
248
00:13:32,302 --> 00:13:34,432
Then I'd see.
249
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:36,534
What am
I seeing?
250
00:13:36,569 --> 00:13:38,318
Hello?
251
00:13:38,353 --> 00:13:39,743
Hello?
252
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:41,056
Hello?
253
00:13:41,091 --> 00:13:42,299
Hello?
254
00:13:42,334 --> 00:13:44,400
Well, Steve?
255
00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:51,868
He hasn't spoken
for hours, Marcie.
256
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:57,734
Don't you pull that
coma stuff with me, Steven!
257
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:04,633
You loaned
this man $50,000?
258
00:14:04,668 --> 00:14:08,000
That's $1,000
an IQ point.
259
00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:11,399
And I can't
blame Al.
260
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,817
A man gives
a gun to a chimp,
261
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,676
and the chimp
shoots someone,
262
00:14:14,711 --> 00:14:16,501
you don't
blame the chimp.
263
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:28,033
Hey! That was a hidden
dig at me, wasn't it?
264
00:14:30,701 --> 00:14:32,100
Well, let me tell
you something.
265
00:14:32,135 --> 00:14:33,232
The opera ain't over
266
00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:35,767
till the last heterosexual
falls asleep.
267
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:39,766
This idea
will work.
268
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:41,834
How many calls
did you get tonight, Al?
269
00:14:41,869 --> 00:14:43,701
Dr. Shoe's files
are confidential.
270
00:14:43,736 --> 00:14:45,667
None.
You got none!
271
00:14:45,702 --> 00:14:47,332
None today.
272
00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:49,267
Tomorrow,
twice as many!
273
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,133
This is what you
loan money to?
274
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,701
I wanted
to go to Hawaii.
275
00:14:58,736 --> 00:15:00,833
Oh, well, Steve,
276
00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:03,051
I guess much like
our honeymoon,
277
00:15:03,086 --> 00:15:05,234
it's up to me
to finish the job,
278
00:15:05,269 --> 00:15:07,434
and pay the bill.
279
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,367
Al, I'm going to
loan you $50,000.
280
00:15:12,402 --> 00:15:13,732
We're rich!
281
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,098
We're rich,
honey!
282
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:16,467
I told you
I could do it, Peg!
283
00:15:16,502 --> 00:15:18,051
[LAUGHING]
284
00:15:18,086 --> 00:15:19,566
Oh, shut up.
285
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:21,566
It's so you can
repay the loan
286
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:25,300
and the human dribble-glass
here can keep his job.
287
00:15:25,335 --> 00:15:27,200
I've got a good record
at my bank.
288
00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:28,599
I can bury
one bad loan.
289
00:15:28,634 --> 00:15:31,067
Al, I'll be over in the
morning with the paperwork.
290
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:34,167
Let's go, Steve.
291
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,734
Come home
and service me.
292
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:45,968
And God help you
if you screw that up!
293
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:55,100
This is your fault.
You should have to go.
294
00:15:58,801 --> 00:15:59,799
Come!
295
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,367
Yes, dear.
296
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,732
Boy, if you had
to service me
297
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,900
every time you did
something stupid,
298
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,033
I'd be as flat
as an all-beef patty.
299
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:27,133
Well, honey, at least
this stupid idea
300
00:16:27,168 --> 00:16:28,365
didn't cost us
anything.
301
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,934
No, Peg, it didn't cost
Steve anything.
302
00:16:30,969 --> 00:16:32,732
We still
owe $50,000,
303
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:34,432
it's just
to another bank.
304
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,400
So, I'll be broke
and living in the gutter,
305
00:16:36,435 --> 00:16:38,933
but, Peg, will
I still have you?
306
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:42,634
Aw, Al, you know I'd
never leave you. Yeah.
307
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,968
Then I truly
have nothing.
308
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:49,432
But I'm not going
309
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:50,833
to roll over
and play dead.
310
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:54,234
Oh, yes, save something
for when we go to bed.
311
00:16:57,334 --> 00:17:01,033
No, my little
thumbscrew.
312
00:17:01,068 --> 00:17:02,732
I'm getting an idea.
313
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:06,165
I'm not going
to pay Steve back.
314
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,732
I'm going to reinvest
in my shoe line.
315
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:12,701
Al Bundy is not going into
the gutter owing $50,000.
316
00:17:12,736 --> 00:17:16,100
I'm going into the gutter
owing $100,000.
317
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:21,032
Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.
318
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,800
Awhile back,
I advertised my shoe line,
319
00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:26,534
but apparently,
you weren't watching.
320
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,899
So I'm back.
321
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:32,701
Now, you can't tell me you
haven't bought defective shoes,
322
00:17:32,736 --> 00:17:33,901
'cause I know.
323
00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:35,067
I sell 'em.
324
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:39,666
So call 555-SHOE.
325
00:17:39,701 --> 00:17:41,484
Even if you don't
have a problem,
326
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,267
and you just want
to talk about feet.
327
00:17:43,302 --> 00:17:44,699
Call.
I'm serious.
328
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:46,534
This is not
a recorded message.
329
00:17:46,569 --> 00:17:48,334
I am a human being,
damn it!
330
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,334
That number is
331
00:17:51,369 --> 00:17:54,200
555-SHOE.
332
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:56,267
Let's go!
333
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:07,432
Hi, Dr. Shoe again.
334
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:10,000
I've been telling you
about my shoe line.
335
00:18:10,035 --> 00:18:11,399
Nobody cares.
336
00:18:11,434 --> 00:18:15,267
So let me mention
something else here.
337
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:19,367
555-SHOE also spells
338
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:21,968
555-RIND,
339
00:18:22,003 --> 00:18:25,018
555-PINF,
340
00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:27,998
and 555-RGNE.
341
00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:31,367
Remember, nobody knows
as much about "rgne"
342
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:33,067
as Dr. Rgne.
343
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:40,500
Hello,
It's Dr. Shoe again.
344
00:18:40,535 --> 00:18:43,501
I've made several pleas
and nobody cares,
345
00:18:43,536 --> 00:18:46,551
so let's cut the crap,
and get to it.
346
00:18:46,586 --> 00:18:49,567
I want to introduce
you to some people.
347
00:18:49,602 --> 00:18:51,300
This is Mrs. Shoe.
348
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,334
My daughter,
Kelly Shoe.
349
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,634
My son,
Bud Shoe.
350
00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:07,667
And Buck,
the Shoe dog.
351
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:15,732
We're starving.
352
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:16,933
Could you
please call?
353
00:19:16,968 --> 00:19:18,234
You don't have
to talk to me.
354
00:19:18,269 --> 00:19:19,199
Just hang up.
355
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:20,799
It's charity,
for God's sake.
356
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:25,334
Kids, you don't even need
your parents' permission.
357
00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:36,133
It'll-it'll just be
our little secret.
358
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:38,699
MAN'S VOICE:
Time's up, Bundy.
359
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,501
Uh, please call,
please call. Let's rap.
360
00:19:40,536 --> 00:19:41,901
Uh, you want
somebody dead?
361
00:19:41,936 --> 00:19:43,068
I'll kill them.
362
00:19:43,103 --> 00:19:44,165
Please call.
363
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,265
That number
again is...
364
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,466
This is what you did
with my $50,000?
365
00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:49,968
Another satisfied customer.
You can be too.
366
00:19:50,003 --> 00:19:51,234
Aah! Please call me.
367
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,299
Hey, Peg,
368
00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:02,234
I thought you
were going to meet us
369
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,701
down at the courthouse.
370
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:04,998
Oh,
371
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:07,367
Was that today?
372
00:20:07,402 --> 00:20:08,332
Uh...
373
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:11,399
Oh, there it is.
374
00:20:11,434 --> 00:20:12,934
Right there
in black and white:
375
00:20:12,969 --> 00:20:15,033
"Al's sentencing. "
376
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,434
Well, I'll just have
to make the next one.
377
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:21,899
So, how was it?
378
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:23,799
Oh,
it was so cool.
379
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,532
The judge
laughed at Daddy,
380
00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:27,601
and then he got serious,
so he yelled at him,
381
00:20:27,636 --> 00:20:29,199
and then he laughed
at him again,
382
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:31,334
and then everybody
started laughing at Daddy.
383
00:20:31,369 --> 00:20:32,299
It was so funny.
384
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,601
I can't believe
I missed it.
385
00:20:34,636 --> 00:20:36,232
Oh, it was great.
386
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:37,817
The trial had
everything.
387
00:20:37,852 --> 00:20:39,367
Crying... that
was Mr. Rhoades.
388
00:20:39,402 --> 00:20:41,200
He lost his job,
you know.
389
00:20:41,235 --> 00:20:43,632
And then,
390
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,467
there was an honest
to goodness fit.
391
00:20:45,502 --> 00:20:46,833
That was
Mrs. Rhoades.
392
00:20:46,868 --> 00:20:50,332
She got demoted
to drive-up window teller.
393
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,734
And then Daddy and the judge
and a whole bunch of lawyers
394
00:20:53,769 --> 00:20:55,384
went into this chamber.
395
00:20:55,419 --> 00:20:56,965
Bring it home,
Daddy.
396
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,783
Well, after the lawyers
got done going,
397
00:20:58,818 --> 00:21:00,567
"Hey, did you check out
the blond bimbo
398
00:21:00,602 --> 00:21:03,100
in the red mini?"
399
00:21:03,135 --> 00:21:05,400
That was me.
400
00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:07,899
Anyhow,
401
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,567
then we finally
got down to business.
402
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,165
I begged
for the death penalty,
403
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,367
but they insisted
that I learn a lesson.
404
00:21:14,402 --> 00:21:16,418
So to pay back
the $100,000 I owe,
405
00:21:16,453 --> 00:21:18,434
the banks agreed
to extend my mortgage
406
00:21:18,469 --> 00:21:19,968
for a couple
of years.
407
00:21:20,003 --> 00:21:20,965
How many?
408
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,567
Oh, a hundred.
409
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:26,299
So by the year
2157,
410
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:27,968
we'll have
the second one paid-off.
411
00:21:28,003 --> 00:21:30,434
Then I can retire.
412
00:21:32,367 --> 00:21:33,766
No, no, no,
Dad.
413
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:36,199
Then you start paying off
your parking tickets.
414
00:21:36,234 --> 00:21:40,400
Hey, how the hell did they
find out about that anyway?
415
00:21:40,435 --> 00:21:43,901
Gee, it must have
been that darn Steve.
416
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:47,000
Aw, but come on.
Buck up, honey.
417
00:21:47,035 --> 00:21:48,566
Don't worry.
418
00:21:48,601 --> 00:21:51,032
I'll always be
your Mrs. Shoe.
419
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:53,701
And we'll always be
your little Shoes.
420
00:21:53,736 --> 00:21:55,634
Shoe betcha!
421
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,601
So you haven't lost
any more respect for me?
422
00:22:00,636 --> 00:22:02,701
Oh, now, that
would be impossible,
423
00:22:02,736 --> 00:22:03,732
wouldn't it, kids?
424
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:06,866
I mean, honey,
you lost $100,000.
425
00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:09,868
How many men who earn
less than a fry cook
426
00:22:09,903 --> 00:22:13,734
can say they lost
$100,000?
427
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,199
Fry cook?
428
00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:19,467
Dad makes less than
the newspaper boy.
429
00:22:19,502 --> 00:22:22,132
A street mime.
430
00:22:22,167 --> 00:22:24,901
The guy who scrapes
dead animals off the highway.
431
00:22:26,534 --> 00:22:28,500
A lab
animal.
432
00:22:28,535 --> 00:22:30,432
A circus geek.
433
00:22:30,467 --> 00:22:33,933
A barnacle
scraper.
434
00:22:33,968 --> 00:22:35,667
A professional
miniature golfer.
435
00:22:35,702 --> 00:22:37,534
A qualified
teacher.
436
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:42,501
[***]1
00:00:03,801 --> 00:00:06,200
[***]
2
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,467
Oh, come on.
3
00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,834
I really don't
spend that much.
4
00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:23,167
Can't I keep just one
of my credit cards?
5
00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:25,501
I'll make you
a sandwich.
6
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,133
No, thank you,
ma'am.
7
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,901
I had a couple of
doughnuts this morning,
8
00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:34,901
waiting for a jumper
to make up his mind.
9
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:38,667
The cards,
please.
10
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,267
Okay, fine.
11
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,200
But you ought
to be ashamed.
12
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,234
You really don't have
anything better to do
13
00:01:45,234 --> 00:01:46,267
than harass me
14
00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:48,734
when there are real
criminals out there?
15
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:51,300
I mean,
my husband alone
16
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:54,934
has over 100 unpaid
parking tickets.
17
00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:02,834
That's AlBundy,
right?
18
00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:04,100
Uh-huh.
19
00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:08,868
Don't tell him
that I told you.
20
00:02:08,868 --> 00:02:12,200
Uh, is there any reward
for turning him in?
21
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,834
Hey, don't forget,
22
00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:24,701
if we paid taxes,
we'd be paying your salary.
23
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:33,067
Well, kids, we have
no more credit cards.
24
00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:34,567
Let this be
a lesson to you.
25
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,567
Marry someone
who can afford you.
26
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:41,000
Mom, was there
ever a time
27
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,367
when Dad could have
made something of his life?
28
00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:49,100
Yes, actually,
back before you were born,
29
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,334
I remember we were
watching TV,
30
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:53,567
and he said,
"I wish there was some way
31
00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:55,767
to change the channel
from my seat."
32
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,934
That was as close
as he ever came.
33
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:03,000
Still not
a bad idea.
34
00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:10,567
Hi, honey.
How was your day?
35
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:11,968
Hey, I came home.
36
00:03:11,968 --> 00:03:14,400
How good could it
have been?
37
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,667
But at least I got to cheer
the guys up at the gas station.
38
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,868
See, after I filled up
the old war-wagon,
39
00:03:26,868 --> 00:03:28,868
I pulled out
the credit card.
40
00:03:28,868 --> 00:03:31,667
They pulled out the switchblade,
cut it up.
41
00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:34,300
Then we all laughed.
42
00:03:35,701 --> 00:03:37,467
Then they
gave me a hose,
43
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,367
made me suck all the gas
back out of the car.
44
00:03:41,334 --> 00:03:43,167
But I got the last laugh,
though.
45
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:46,000
I swallowed about
50 cents worth.
46
00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,100
Well, let's take
your mind off it.
47
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,567
Here are the bills.
48
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,534
Feel better,
honey?
49
00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:02,334
Ed McMahon says I may
owe him $10 million?
50
00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:10,367
Oh, what are the chances
of it really being you?
51
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:15,601
Ah, the phone bill.
52
00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:20,801
Hey, we qualify
for the gold bill.
53
00:04:20,801 --> 00:04:23,367
That's great!
I knew we
could do it!
54
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:26,334
Peg, Peg, could you
cut out the festivities
55
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,601
till after I'm done?
56
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,834
Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee,
57
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:32,167
that's the town
they built
58
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:34,801
around your mother,
isn't it, Peg?
59
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:38,834
Look at all
these toll calls!
60
00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:41,534
Who called
the lust line?
61
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,300
Well, it's not
what you think, Dad.
62
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:46,834
It's just
naked girls
63
00:04:46,834 --> 00:04:49,367
talking dirty to me
on the phone.
64
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:52,334
Well, that's okay,
then.
65
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,501
What about these three pages
of toll calls
66
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:59,100
to the heavy metal
hotline?
67
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:03,467
Oh, then, that must
have been me, Dad.
68
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:04,968
But I was saving
you money.
69
00:05:04,968 --> 00:05:06,968
How did you
do that, pumpkin?
70
00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:10,367
Well, because they said
that it's $3.00
71
00:05:10,367 --> 00:05:11,534
for the first minute
72
00:05:11,534 --> 00:05:13,300
and 50 cents for each
additional minute.
73
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:15,567
So, rather than
get charged extra,
74
00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:19,334
I'd hang up after a minute,
and then call back.
75
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:30,968
Well, at least
she's trying, Al.
76
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,868
Oh, God!
77
00:05:38,434 --> 00:05:41,100
See, honey, we're sorry
you had a bad day.
78
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,701
Would you like
some dinner?
79
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:48,234
Yeah.
80
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:51,767
Gee, I was hoping
you'd say no.
81
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:55,534
Oh, hey, Dad,
Mrs. Donnelly called,
82
00:05:55,534 --> 00:05:57,901
and she said her slipper
won't fit over her bunion,
83
00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,801
and she wants to know
what she should do.
84
00:05:59,801 --> 00:06:01,334
Start walking
on all fours
85
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:03,200
the way God
intended her to.
86
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,300
What's wrong
with these people?
87
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,701
If I had a dime
for every time
88
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,968
they called me
and asked for shoe advice, I--
89
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,234
Wait a second.
I just had a vision.
90
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:17,567
Peg, I think I know a way
that we can make a fortune.
91
00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:18,834
You want to hear
about it?
92
00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:20,100
No.
Not really.
93
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:22,267
I don't think so.
94
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:24,367
I'll give you a hint.
95
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:28,033
What can I do better
than anyone else?
96
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:31,534
Stink up a shoe?
97
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,701
Sweat through the couch?
98
00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:38,200
Miss the toilet
in the dark?
99
00:06:42,634 --> 00:06:45,133
Hey, Marcie.
Guess what.
100
00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:47,400
I'm closing another loan,
101
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,934
and that puts me
in the lead
102
00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:52,300
for that free trip
to Hawaii.
103
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:56,834
Yeah, the hick's signing
the papers right now.
104
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:01,000
Oh, not you.
105
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,601
I was talking
about some other hick.
106
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:08,200
Uh, listen, Marce,
the hick is staring at me.
107
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,634
I gotta go.
108
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:12,834
Keep the poi
warm for Daddy.
109
00:07:12,834 --> 00:07:14,400
Thank you,
Mr. Rhoades.
110
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,434
Your loan
saved our farm.
111
00:07:16,434 --> 00:07:18,667
Well, you know,
we only care about you.
112
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:21,968
Well, you know, you really have
to come for supper one night.
113
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:24,434
Yeah, right, watch for me
in the window.
114
00:07:24,434 --> 00:07:25,534
Aloha!
115
00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:28,501
I'm in the lead.
116
00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:30,434
* I'm in the lead *
117
00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:33,567
I'm going
to Hawaii.
118
00:07:33,567 --> 00:07:35,400
Hey, Steve.
119
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,834
I'm glad
I caught you.
120
00:07:36,834 --> 00:07:38,167
I need a loan.
121
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:40,267
See, I'm gonna buy
my own toll line.
122
00:07:40,267 --> 00:07:41,267
Yeah,
it'll be great.
123
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,868
People'll pay
2 bucks a pop
124
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:44,033
just to talk
to me.
125
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:45,534
Now, I know what
you're thinking,
126
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:47,634
it's just another
sex line, but it isn't.
127
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,868
This is something that
I know something about.
128
00:07:50,868 --> 00:07:52,434
Ready?
129
00:07:52,434 --> 00:07:55,968
555-SHOE.
130
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,667
Al, no banker
in his right mind
131
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:03,100
would give you
5 cents
132
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:06,033
for such a moronic,
bunny-brained idea.
133
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:09,033
[WHISTLES]
134
00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:10,100
Ha-ha.
135
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,467
Aloha,
Rhoades.
136
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:13,934
Ha-ha.
137
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:17,434
Al, you've got
your loan.
138
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:18,701
You need $50,000,
you say?
139
00:08:18,701 --> 00:08:20,501
Well, actually,
I only need 18.
140
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,534
No, you need 50.
141
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,033
Sign right here.
142
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,200
We'll fill in
the rest later.
143
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,000
[BELL RINGS]
144
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,000
Hawaii! Hawaii!
145
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,501
Ha-ha.
146
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:43,067
Tiny bubbles
up your nose, Swensen.
147
00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:45,367
Rhoades, I want
to talk to you.
148
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,467
Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Peamon.
Right away, sir.
149
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:49,834
Get lost, Al.
It's the president.
150
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,634
I voted
for you.
151
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,701
What did you want
to see me about, sir?
152
00:09:05,701 --> 00:09:07,234
Rhoades, do you know
how many loans
153
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:10,100
you've written this year
that have gone bad?
154
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,634
One or two.
155
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,701
Forty.
156
00:09:12,701 --> 00:09:15,000
[MOUTHING]
157
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,834
Well, I guess that gives me
something to think about
158
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:20,300
while I'm on
that beach in Hawaii.
159
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,067
Well, I hope your zeal
to win this trip
160
00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:23,467
hasn't affected
your judgment.
161
00:09:23,467 --> 00:09:24,834
For example,
let's talk about
162
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:26,334
the loan that
put you over the top.
163
00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:28,634
Yes, sir.
The, uh, Bundy loan.
164
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:29,634
Solid as they come.
165
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,200
You really believe
in the loan?
166
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,167
With my heart
and soul, sir.
167
00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:34,868
Would you put your job
on the line for it?
168
00:09:34,868 --> 00:09:36,167
No, sir.
169
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,200
Then I will.
170
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,734
If this Bundy
doesn't come through,
171
00:09:40,734 --> 00:09:42,300
you're fired.
172
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,100
Honey, no one is
stupid enough
173
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,734
to call
a shoe hotline.
174
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:53,734
Oh yeah?
175
00:09:53,734 --> 00:09:55,167
Well, everyone
in high school
176
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:56,634
said no one
was stupid enough
177
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:59,167
to marry
the big redhead.
178
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,100
But someone was,
wasn't he?
179
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,200
Oh, look.
180
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,834
Daddy's commercial's
coming on.
181
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:15,400
Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.
182
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,033
The man on the side
of your feet.
183
00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:20,234
I'm
a goner.
184
00:10:20,234 --> 00:10:21,767
Shh!
185
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,901
Excuse me.
I'm getting a call.
186
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,200
[RINGS]
187
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,701
Dr. Shoe.
188
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,667
Hello.
189
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:42,501
Oh, Dr. Shoe,
I don't know what to do.
190
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:45,133
I'm going to a party
in five minutes,
191
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:48,133
and my shoes are too tight
for both of my feet.
192
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:49,834
Ouch.
193
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,267
Can you help me?
194
00:10:54,133 --> 00:10:55,868
Has this
happened to you?
195
00:10:55,868 --> 00:10:58,067
I'm willing
to bet that it has.
196
00:10:58,067 --> 00:10:59,133
As a matter of fact,
197
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:02,567
I'm betting 50,000 bucks
that it has.
198
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:07,334
So, if you're
like Muffy here,
199
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,567
heh, heh,
200
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:12,167
or even if you're
just fat and ugly
201
00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:13,367
and have
a shoe problem,
202
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,400
call me
on the shoe line.
203
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,901
That's 555-SHOE.
204
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:19,667
Can I help?
205
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:22,300
Shoe betcha!
206
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,367
I feel
better already.
207
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:28,400
And don't forget.
208
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,601
Se habla shoe.
209
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,601
I see you're all
looking at me
210
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:40,300
a little bit
differently now.
211
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,267
Okay, everybody,
212
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:44,133
man your positions
by the phone.
213
00:11:44,133 --> 00:11:46,267
Research shows 98 percent
of the calls happen
214
00:11:46,267 --> 00:11:47,467
in the first
three minutes.
215
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:48,901
Let's go!
Let's go!
216
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,367
Honey,
217
00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:02,534
let's just say
that for one minute,
218
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:06,601
this shoe line
doesn't work out.
219
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,767
Not that I'm being
negative, mind you.
220
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:11,467
It's just that no one
has called today,
221
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:14,467
and no one will call
for a million years.
222
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,567
So, uh, honey,
223
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,767
just out of curiosity,
224
00:12:20,767 --> 00:12:22,434
what did you use
for collateral?
225
00:12:22,434 --> 00:12:24,234
The only thing
we have.
226
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:28,501
Our plunger with
100,000 miles on it?
227
00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:31,267
Yeah, that's right, Peg.
Keep on stroking me.
228
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,734
No, and this is where I made
my most brilliant move.
229
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:39,400
All I had to do was
sign over the house.
230
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:42,901
Good, honey.
231
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:45,634
I was getting sick
of living indoors.
232
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,701
Ok, kids. Come on,
it's almost midnight.
233
00:12:50,701 --> 00:12:51,968
Time for bed.
234
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:53,667
Come on.
235
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:55,601
[GROANS]
236
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,400
Did Dad get
any calls?
237
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,801
Yeah, Mom called
him an idiot.
238
00:13:02,467 --> 00:13:05,400
Steve, you haven't
given up on me, have you?
239
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,801
[DOORBELL RINGS]
240
00:13:09,801 --> 00:13:11,033
Dr. Shoe!
241
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:13,734
It's the
doorbell, Al.
242
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,234
Well, get it, Peg.
I'm on the phone.
243
00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:16,467
Dr. Shoe.
244
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,434
The government
should be paying us.
245
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:24,734
I mean, if he's
not disabled, who is?
246
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:30,601
Well, Steve, you told me
not to yell at you
247
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,267
about the loan
until midnight.
248
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:34,467
Then I'd see.
249
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:36,534
What am
I seeing?
250
00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:38,100
Hello?
251
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,067
Hello?
252
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,133
Hello?
253
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:42,334
Hello?
254
00:13:42,334 --> 00:13:44,400
Well, Steve?
255
00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:51,868
He hasn't spoken
for hours, Marcie.
256
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:57,734
Don't you pull that
coma stuff with me, Steven!
257
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:05,067
You loaned
this man $50,000?
258
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:08,000
That's $1,000
an IQ point.
259
00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:11,434
And I can't
blame Al.
260
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,601
A man gives
a gun to a chimp,
261
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,200
and the chimp
shoots someone,
262
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,501
you don't
blame the chimp.
263
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:28,033
Hey! That was a hidden
dig at me, wasn't it?
264
00:14:30,701 --> 00:14:32,100
Well, let me tell
you something.
265
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:33,267
The opera ain't over
266
00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:35,767
till the last heterosexual
falls asleep.
267
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:39,801
This idea
will work.
268
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:41,834
How many calls
did you get tonight, Al?
269
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:43,701
Dr. Shoe's files
are confidential.
270
00:14:43,701 --> 00:14:45,667
None.
You got none!
271
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,367
None today.
272
00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:49,267
Tomorrow,
twice as many!
273
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,133
This is what you
loan money to?
274
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,701
I wanted
to go to Hawaii.
275
00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:00,868
Oh, well, Steve,
276
00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:03,067
I guess much like
our honeymoon,
277
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,234
it's up to me
to finish the job,
278
00:15:05,234 --> 00:15:07,434
and pay the bill.
279
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,367
Al, I'm going to
loan you $50,000.
280
00:15:12,367 --> 00:15:13,767
We're rich!
281
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,133
We're rich,
honey!
282
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:16,467
I told you
I could do it, Peg!
283
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:17,801
[LAUGHING]
284
00:15:17,801 --> 00:15:19,601
Oh, shut up.
285
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:21,601
It's so you can
repay the loan
286
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:25,300
and the human
dribble-glass here
can keep his job.
287
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,200
I've got a good record
at my bank.
288
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,634
I can bury
one bad loan.
289
00:15:28,634 --> 00:15:31,067
Al, I'll be over
in the morning
with the paperwork.
290
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:34,167
Let's go, Steve.
291
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,734
Come home
and service me.
292
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:45,968
And God help you
if you screw that up!
293
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:55,100
This is your fault.
You should have to go.
294
00:15:58,801 --> 00:15:59,834
Come!
295
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,367
Yes, dear.
296
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,767
Boy, if you had
to service me
297
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,701
every time you did
something stupid,
298
00:16:17,701 --> 00:16:20,033
I'd be as flat
as an all-beef patty.
299
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:27,133
Well, honey, at least
this stupid idea
300
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,400
didn't cost us
anything.
301
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,934
No, Peg, it didn't cost
Steve anything.
302
00:16:30,934 --> 00:16:32,767
We still
owe $50,000,
303
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:34,467
it's just
to another bank.
304
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,400
So, I'll be broke
and living in the gutter,
305
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,968
but, Peg, will
I still have you?
306
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:42,634
Aw, Al, you know
I'd never leave you.
Yeah.
307
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,968
Then I truly
have nothing.
308
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:49,467
But I'm not going
309
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:50,868
to roll over
and play dead.
310
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:54,234
Oh, yes, save something
for when we go to bed.
311
00:16:57,334 --> 00:17:01,033
No, my little
thumbscrew.
312
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:02,767
I'm getting an idea.
313
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:06,200
I'm not going
to pay Steve back.
314
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,767
I'm going to reinvest
in my shoe line.
315
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:12,701
Al Bundy is not going into
the gutter owing $50,000.
316
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:16,100
I'm going into the gutter
owing $100,000.
317
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:21,067
Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.
318
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,934
Awhile back,
I advertised my shoe line,
319
00:17:23,934 --> 00:17:26,534
but apparently,
you weren't watching.
320
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,934
So I'm back.
321
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:32,701
Now, you can't tell me you
haven't bought defective shoes,
322
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:33,701
'cause I know.
323
00:17:33,701 --> 00:17:35,067
I sell 'em.
324
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:39,701
So call 555-SHOE.
325
00:17:39,701 --> 00:17:41,567
Even if you don't
have a problem,
326
00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:43,267
and you just want
to talk about feet.
327
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,734
Call.
I'm serious.
328
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:46,367
This is not
a recorded message.
329
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:48,334
I am a human being,
damn it!
330
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,334
That number is
331
00:17:51,334 --> 00:17:54,200
555-SHOE.
332
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:56,267
Let's go!
333
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:07,467
Hi, Dr. Shoe again.
334
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:10,000
I've been telling you
about my shoe line.
335
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,434
Nobody cares.
336
00:18:11,434 --> 00:18:15,267
So let me mention
something else here.
337
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:19,367
555-SHOE also spells
338
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:22,234
555-RIND,
339
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,534
555-PINF,
340
00:18:24,534 --> 00:18:28,033
and 555-RGNE.
341
00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:31,367
Remember, nobody knows
as much about "rgne"
342
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:33,067
as Dr. Rgne.
343
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:40,934
Hello,
It's Dr. Shoe again.
344
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:42,834
I've made several pleas
and nobody cares,
345
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:46,467
so let's cut the crap,
and get to it.
346
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:49,567
I want to introduce
you to some people.
347
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:51,300
This is Mrs. Shoe.
348
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,334
My daughter,
Kelly Shoe.
349
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,634
My son,
Bud Shoe.
350
00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:07,667
And Buck,
the Shoe dog.
351
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:15,767
We're starving.
352
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:16,968
Could you
please call?
353
00:19:16,968 --> 00:19:18,234
You don't have
to talk to me.
354
00:19:18,234 --> 00:19:19,234
Just hang up.
355
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:20,834
It's charity,
for God's sake.
356
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:25,334
Kids, you don't even need
your parents' permission.
357
00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:36,133
It'll-it'll just be
our little secret.
358
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,734
MAN'S VOICE:
Time's up, Bundy.
359
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,501
Uh, please call,
please call. Let's rap.
360
00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:41,901
Uh, you want
somebody dead?
361
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:42,968
I'll kill them.
362
00:19:42,968 --> 00:19:44,200
Please call.
363
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,300
That number
again is--
364
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,501
This is what you did
with my $50,000?
365
00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:49,968
Another satisfied customer.
You can be too.
366
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:51,234
Aah! Please call me.
367
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,334
Hey, Peg,
368
00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:02,234
I thought you
were going to meet us
369
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:03,701
down at the courthouse.
370
00:20:03,701 --> 00:20:05,033
Oh,
371
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:07,367
Was that today?
372
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:08,367
Uh...
373
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:11,434
Oh, there it is.
374
00:20:11,434 --> 00:20:12,934
Right there
in black and white:
375
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:15,033
"Al's sentencing."
376
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,434
Well, I'll just have
to make the next one.
377
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:21,934
So, how was it?
378
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:23,834
Oh,
it was so cool.
379
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,567
The judge
laughed at Daddy,
380
00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:27,601
and then he got serious,
so he yelled at him,
381
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,234
and then he laughed
at him again,
382
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:31,334
and then everybody
started laughing at Daddy.
383
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:32,334
It was so funny.
384
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,601
I can't believe
I missed it.
385
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,267
Oh, it was great.
386
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:37,834
The trial had
everything.
387
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:39,367
Crying--that
was Mr. Rhoades.
388
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:41,200
He lost his job,
you know.
389
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,667
And then,
390
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,467
there was an honest
to goodness fit.
391
00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:46,868
That was
Mrs. Rhoades.
392
00:20:46,868 --> 00:20:50,367
She got demoted
to drive-up window teller.
393
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,734
And then Daddy and the judge
and a whole bunch of lawyers
394
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:54,834
went into this chamber.
395
00:20:54,834 --> 00:20:57,000
Bring it home,
Daddy.
396
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,868
Well, after the lawyers
got done going,
397
00:20:58,868 --> 00:21:00,567
"Hey, did you check out
the blond bimbo
398
00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:03,100
in the red mini?"
399
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:05,400
That was me.
400
00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:07,934
Anyhow,
401
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,567
then we finally
got down to business.
402
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,200
I begged
for the death penalty,
403
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,367
but they insisted
that I learn a lesson.
404
00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:16,767
So to pay back
the $100,000 I owe,
405
00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:18,434
the banks agreed
to extend my mortgage
406
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:19,968
for a couple
of years.
407
00:21:19,968 --> 00:21:21,000
How many?
408
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,567
Oh, a hundred.
409
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:26,334
So by the year
2157,
410
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:27,968
we'll have
the second one paid-off.
411
00:21:27,968 --> 00:21:30,434
Then I can retire.
412
00:21:32,367 --> 00:21:33,801
No, no, no,
Dad.
413
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:36,234
Then you start paying off
your parking tickets.
414
00:21:36,234 --> 00:21:40,400
Hey, how the hell did they
find out about that anyway?
415
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,901
Gee, it must have
been that darn Steve.
416
00:21:43,901 --> 00:21:47,000
Aw, but come on.
Buck up, honey.
417
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,601
Don't worry.
418
00:21:48,601 --> 00:21:51,067
I'll always be
your Mrs. Shoe.
419
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:53,701
And we'll always be
your little Shoes.
420
00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:55,634
Shoe betcha!
421
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,601
So you haven't lost
any more respect for me?
422
00:22:00,601 --> 00:22:02,701
Oh, now, that
would be impossible,
423
00:22:02,701 --> 00:22:03,767
wouldn't it, kids?
424
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:06,901
I mean, honey,
you lost $100,000.
425
00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:09,868
How many men who earn
less than a fry cook
426
00:22:09,868 --> 00:22:13,734
can say they lost
$100,000?
427
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,234
Fry cook?
428
00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:19,467
Dad makes less than
the newspaper boy.
429
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:22,167
A street mime.
430
00:22:22,167 --> 00:22:24,901
The guy who scrapes
dead animals off the highway.
431
00:22:26,534 --> 00:22:28,634
A lab
animal.
432
00:22:28,634 --> 00:22:30,467
A circus geek.
433
00:22:30,467 --> 00:22:33,968
A barnacle
scraper.
434
00:22:33,968 --> 00:22:35,667
A professional
miniature golfer.
435
00:22:35,667 --> 00:22:37,534
A qualified
teacher.
436
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:42,501
[***]1
00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:07,033
[***]
2
00:01:14,968 --> 00:01:17,033
[BEACH BOYS'
"I GET AROUND" PLAYING]
3
00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:18,968
* I get around, yeah *
4
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:21,133
* Get around round round
I get around *
5
00:01:21,133 --> 00:01:22,434
* I get around *
6
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:24,234
* Get around round round
I get around *
7
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:25,534
* From town to town *
8
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:27,234
* Get around round round
I get around *
9
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:28,601
* I'm a real cool head *
10
00:01:28,601 --> 00:01:29,901
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
11
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:32,400
[PANTING]
12
00:01:34,033 --> 00:01:37,767
Yep, one more payment
and you're all mine.
13
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:45,667
Hi, Daddy.
14
00:01:45,667 --> 00:01:47,734
I saw you pushing the car.
Doesn't it work?
15
00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:50,400
Well, sure it does,
honey.
16
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,033
It was just such
a nice day,
17
00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:55,734
I didn't want to waste
it sitting in the car,
18
00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:59,534
like all those other
jerks on the expressway.
19
00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:04,133
Of course
it doesn't work.
20
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:06,834
Honey, if you saw Dad
pushing it,
21
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:08,767
why didn't you
come and give me a hand?
22
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:11,100
Well, it looked
pretty boring.
23
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,334
I mean you were going
so slow and everything.
24
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,300
You know, a person could get
a heart attack
25
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,467
pushing a car
in this heat.
26
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:18,000
And then you gotta
think about Mom.
27
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,667
What would she do
if she lost both of us?
28
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:22,033
If you kick, it's okay 'cause
she can always marry again,
29
00:02:22,033 --> 00:02:23,033
but if I went--
30
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:25,067
Kelly, honey!
31
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:26,334
Forget about it,
okay?
32
00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:27,534
Just give old Dad
a chance
33
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:30,968
to push his spleen
back through his navel.
34
00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:32,133
Hey, Dad.
35
00:02:32,133 --> 00:02:33,601
Saw you pushing
the old car.
36
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:34,901
Me and my friends
37
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:36,801
never thought you'd
make it up the hill.
38
00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:41,434
Did you ever think
about helping old Dad?
39
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:43,968
In this heat?
40
00:02:43,968 --> 00:02:46,133
You know, you kids
have been so great.
41
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,000
Why don't you just hop
in the car,
42
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,534
and I'll push the two of you
down to the ice cream parlor.
43
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:52,300
Thanks, Dad.
44
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:57,000
Oh, and push it fast
so we look cool, okay?
45
00:02:58,634 --> 00:03:02,501
Dad, why don't we
just get a new car?
46
00:03:02,501 --> 00:03:04,334
Bud, you don't throw
something away
47
00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:05,701
just 'cause it
doesn't work.
48
00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:07,968
If that was the case,
you wouldn't have a mother.
49
00:03:09,901 --> 00:03:15,267
Now, let's find exactly what
is wrong with this car.
50
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:19,033
[GRUNTS]
51
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,367
Ah, ya stinking
old pile of junk.
52
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,133
Junk pile.
53
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:29,300
Daddy, can't we do this
after we get ice cream?
54
00:03:32,868 --> 00:03:35,434
Kelly, we already
got ice cream,
55
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:37,234
and we're home.
56
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,100
Get out
of the car.
57
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,868
I didn't get any.
58
00:03:47,434 --> 00:03:49,801
Kelly, get back
in the car.
59
00:03:49,801 --> 00:03:52,434
Bud, did you
get ice cream?
60
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,634
BUD:
Uh, yeah, Kel.
It was great.
61
00:03:56,634 --> 00:03:59,167
Where was I?
62
00:04:01,968 --> 00:04:03,767
Kelly, honey,
can you hear me?
63
00:04:03,767 --> 00:04:05,033
[HORN HONKS]
64
00:04:05,033 --> 00:04:06,167
Ow!
65
00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:09,868
Good, good.
66
00:04:09,868 --> 00:04:12,734
Now, honey,
when I say "now,"
67
00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:14,434
turn it over,
68
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,801
and try not to honk
the horn, okay?
69
00:04:16,801 --> 00:04:17,901
[HORN HONKS]
70
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:23,200
That meant "okay,"
Daddy.
71
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,267
Good, good.
72
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,267
Are you sure
you know
73
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,868
what you're doing
in there?
74
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:30,200
You know, Bud,
75
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,634
you're starting to sound
like your mother.
76
00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,434
Uh-huh, yeah.
77
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:44,100
I see there's some dirt
on the round thing.
78
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,701
All right,
I think I got it.
79
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:47,100
Kelly,
turn it on.
80
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:49,667
Uh, Dad, you might want
to tell Kelly
81
00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:50,801
to use the key,
82
00:04:50,801 --> 00:04:52,901
or she might start
rubbing up against it.
83
00:04:57,634 --> 00:04:59,167
Kelly knows what
she's doing, Bud.
84
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,434
She's not
an idiot.
85
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,334
Use the key,
honey.
86
00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:06,400
[WEAK ENGINE NOISE]
87
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:12,000
It's no use.
I know that sound.
88
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,067
That's a death rattle.
89
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,534
I make it myself
every morning.
90
00:05:15,534 --> 00:05:16,968
Go in the house.
91
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:21,033
Get out of the car,
Kelly.
92
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:24,534
Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
93
00:05:24,534 --> 00:05:26,334
Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
94
00:05:26,334 --> 00:05:30,701
You know, you're starting
to sound like one of my dates.
95
00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:32,267
They promise me
ice cream too,
96
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:33,634
but they never
give me any.
97
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,100
Hi, Mom.
98
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,968
Hi, Kelly.
99
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:51,300
Hi, Mom.
100
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:52,968
Hi, Bud.
101
00:05:52,968 --> 00:05:54,300
Hi, Peg.
102
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,667
And before you say hi
to the milkman, it's me.
103
00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,467
I know.
104
00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:01,367
I have a nose.
105
00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,434
By the way,
honey,
106
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,734
I saw you pushing
your car home.
107
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,901
Doesn't it work?
108
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:11,000
Peg, if you saw me
pushing the car home,
109
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,267
why didn't you
help me?
110
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,200
Well, I saw the kids
out there,
111
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,901
and I figured if they weren't
going to help, why should I?
112
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:20,133
Kids, I have a little family
announcement to make,
113
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:22,000
but since I don't have
an actual family,
114
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,767
I'll say it to you.
115
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,367
I have decided
that it's time
116
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:29,234
for me to buy
a new car.
117
00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:31,834
Oh, that's great!
A new car!
118
00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:33,100
I want a Cadillac.
119
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,167
I want
a Ferrari.
120
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:35,400
I want
a Porsche.
121
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,534
Your wishes
mean nothing to me.
122
00:06:38,634 --> 00:06:40,434
It's going to be
my car,
123
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,801
and I'll decide
what I'm getting.
124
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:46,367
Yeah, just don't get
another weenie-mobile.
125
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:49,834
If I want a weenie-mobile,
I'll buy a weenie-mobile.
126
00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:52,934
At least it'll be
a new weenie-mobile.
127
00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:55,234
A new car
at last.
128
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:57,767
Anything I've ever
owned has been used.
129
00:06:57,767 --> 00:06:59,934
My car, my house,
my...
130
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:12,100
Kids, today you're
going to witness
131
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:14,634
the last great
American tradition.
132
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,634
Daddy's buying
a new car,
133
00:07:16,634 --> 00:07:19,734
and I wanted my family
to share the experience.
134
00:07:19,734 --> 00:07:21,667
Well, then, shouldn't
we have brought Mom?
135
00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:24,701
Let her get
her own family.
136
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:27,734
Hey, Dad, you going to
tell us what's in
the box now?
137
00:07:27,734 --> 00:07:30,300
Ten years
of my life, son.
138
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,334
Hm. It's an awful
big box for that, Dad.
139
00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,634
"Oh, an awful
big box."
140
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,567
Do you think that Dad
likes to be reminded
141
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,334
that the last decade
of his life
142
00:07:43,334 --> 00:07:44,801
is one big goose egg,
143
00:07:44,801 --> 00:07:47,200
a vast wasteland,
144
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,400
a black hole
from which hope
145
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,000
can neither enter
nor escape?
146
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,801
Shut up and humor him like
we do on Father's Day, okay?
147
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,200
You're the greatest,
Daddy!
148
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,501
Yeah, Dad,
149
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:00,667
you're the "bestest" Dad
in the whole, wide world.
150
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:04,200
Now, tell us
more about your
magic shoe.
151
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,601
It's not a shoe,
you dolts.
152
00:08:06,601 --> 00:08:09,334
You're looking
at $5,000.
153
00:08:09,334 --> 00:08:10,501
Mine,
animals.
154
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:12,000
Mine,
animals.
155
00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:18,968
Took me 10 years
to save for this.
156
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,501
Cutting corners
for years,
157
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,934
using the same
razor blade,
158
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:24,734
using the same
TV guide,
159
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:26,601
reusing the same
mouthwash.
160
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:32,067
And now, finally,
the fruits of my suffering.
161
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,467
Well,
162
00:08:33,467 --> 00:08:36,200
I thought we were the fruits
of your suffering, Daddy.
163
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:41,834
No, you're the vegetables
of my suffering.
164
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:45,167
But anyhow, I buried my box
so deep in the backyard
165
00:08:45,167 --> 00:08:46,767
that the devil himself,
your mother,
166
00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:48,868
could not find it.
167
00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:53,334
And this
is my new car!
168
00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:54,400
BUD:
Oh, yeah.
169
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,067
Get in.
170
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,801
Ah.
171
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,467
Take a deep breath,
kids.
172
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:03,834
[INHALING SOUND]
173
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:06,868
That's enough. You're
sucking up all the new.
174
00:09:06,868 --> 00:09:08,434
What do you think,
kids?
175
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:09,801
Well, I don't know.
176
00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:11,534
There's not a lot
of room back here.
177
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:12,734
Well...
178
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,434
that might
be because
179
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:19,067
you're not lying down
like usual.
180
00:09:22,234 --> 00:09:24,467
Hey, Dad, don't
forget to buy
181
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:26,968
a "neutered boy
on board" sticker.
182
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,634
Oh, yeah,
and rubber seats,
183
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:33,067
you know, for his
little problem.
184
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,133
Yeah, well,
185
00:09:36,133 --> 00:09:38,267
I guess this
will be okay.
186
00:09:40,767 --> 00:09:42,968
Ah, I don't care.
187
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:44,968
I'm in a new car,
and I'm still alive.
188
00:09:44,968 --> 00:09:46,734
Oh, God.
189
00:09:46,734 --> 00:09:49,167
Now kids, wait till the salesman
comes over here.
190
00:09:49,167 --> 00:09:52,167
You'll see old Dad
wheel and deal then.
191
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,501
Were you wheeling
and dealing
192
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:56,367
when you sold our old car
for a ride over here?
193
00:09:58,334 --> 00:09:59,567
Hey, Dad?
194
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,834
If he won't deal,
show him some leg.
195
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:05,467
I got a Walkman
for 5 bucks once.
196
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:07,968
Lie down, Kelly.
197
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,167
Can I help you,
sir?
198
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:13,367
Yeah, the sticker
on this says $15,000,
199
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:16,367
but, uh, how much
is it really?
200
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:17,701
Fifteen thousand.
201
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,133
Okay, I'll tell you
what I'll do. Uh...
202
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,100
I give you 10.
203
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,267
Great!
204
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:32,901
But if you want the car,
it'll be 15.
205
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:34,834
Let's say 12.
Fifteen.
206
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,067
Fourteen.
Fifteen.
207
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,400
Okay, but I want you
to throw in
208
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,067
air-conditioning,
no charge.
Nope.
209
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:41,133
Okay, but I want you
to throw in a stereo.
Nope.
210
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:42,300
Undercoating.
Uh-uh.
211
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,000
Okay.
212
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,300
But I'm not driving
out of here
213
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,767
till I have a wooden
gearshift knob, no extra cost.
214
00:10:47,767 --> 00:10:48,934
Let me think.
215
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,567
Hey, Vince.
216
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,834
Yup.
217
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:54,267
How much is a plastic
wooden-gearshift knob?
218
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:55,501
Twenty-five
cents.
219
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,434
I give it to you
for 50 bucks.
220
00:10:58,434 --> 00:11:00,000
Deal, sucker!
221
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,100
[LAUGHING]
222
00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:04,734
How do you
intend to pay?
223
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:08,400
Well, how does a $5,000
deposit sound?
224
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,934
Bud, peel him off
5 big ones.
225
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,801
Well, I'd love to,
Dad,
226
00:11:18,801 --> 00:11:21,300
but all you got
is $800.
227
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:23,267
Is that all?
228
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,300
Well,
that and a red hair.
229
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,734
Hello, snookums.
230
00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:44,167
Peg, I wanna
talk to you.
231
00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:46,501
Yeah, well, actually,
I wanna talk to you too.
232
00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:48,300
Can we have
a maid?
233
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,200
This place
is such a mess.
234
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,701
God.
235
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,767
Peg, let me
ask you something.
236
00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:59,534
In your travels
in the back yard,
237
00:11:59,534 --> 00:12:02,801
say about eight paces
from the tree,
238
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:06,267
twelve-feet down.
239
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,400
Did you ever
find a box,
240
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,501
with, say,
oh, about, uh,
241
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:14,067
$5,000 in it?
242
00:12:15,467 --> 00:12:17,767
Was that yours?
243
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:20,033
Yes.
244
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:22,434
Where do you think
it came from?
245
00:12:22,434 --> 00:12:26,334
Well, I just figured
that, uh,
246
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:28,667
before the white man
settled the area,
247
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,801
the Indians
buried it there.
248
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,767
Uh-huh.
249
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,067
Well, why would
theIndians
250
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,601
write "Al"
on the box?
251
00:12:39,868 --> 00:12:41,434
Well,
252
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:45,167
I just thought that, uh,
someone killed the guy
253
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:46,167
before he wrote,
254
00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:50,100
"A lot of money
for whoever finds it."
255
00:12:54,033 --> 00:12:56,701
Well, then, I guess I have
some bad news for me.
256
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:59,200
See, that was
my new car fund, Peg,
257
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,801
a long,
long time ago.
258
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:12,100
Peg, how could
you spend $4,200?
259
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,968
Well, you remember when
you yelled at me
260
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:17,434
'cause there wasn't
any juice in the house?
261
00:13:17,434 --> 00:13:20,133
Well, I took some money,
and I bought you juice.
262
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,334
And a coat for me.
263
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:26,367
And then, remember when
you demanded dinner?
264
00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:28,000
Well, I took
some more money
265
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,234
and I bought you
a bucket of chicken.
266
00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:33,467
And a coat for Mom.
267
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:34,767
And then
the rest of it,
268
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:38,133
well, I have to admit,
I spent foolishly.
269
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:40,567
Honey, could you come out
in the back yard with me?
270
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:42,767
I have the urge
to bury something else.
271
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:50,834
You are really mad
about this?
272
00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:55,334
You know, if anyone
should be mad, it's me.
273
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,901
You're the one who's
hiding money from me.
274
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:58,968
You would've
spent it.
275
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,534
Then why are you
acting so surprised?
276
00:14:06,434 --> 00:14:09,033
Well, I hope
you're happy, Al.
277
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:10,834
Now I'm all tense.
278
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:15,367
Well, look, honey,
you've got $800.
279
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:18,133
Why don't we spend it
on the two of us?
280
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:21,501
You know, what do you say,
juice and a fur coat?
281
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,934
Well, you know, I do have
some good news, Al.
282
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,734
One of the girls
at the beauty parlor
283
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:33,100
said that she would buy
your old car for $1100.
284
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,734
You've made a wise choice,
Mr. and Mrs. Whiteman.
285
00:15:04,734 --> 00:15:06,300
This is the last one
we have in stock.
286
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,133
Pretty good deal too
at 12-thou.
287
00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:13,234
Well, nothing's too good
for our Lewis.
288
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:16,200
Lewis got a "C"
in Francais.
289
00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:18,767
I want
a Maserati.
290
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,267
You will take this
and like it!
291
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,033
I hate you!
292
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,634
Kids,
heh, heh.
293
00:15:23,634 --> 00:15:24,934
Come on.
294
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,434
What can we do
for you, sir?
295
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,968
Oh, yeah,
the shoebox man.
296
00:15:37,534 --> 00:15:39,534
Hey, look, why don't
we face facts?
297
00:15:39,534 --> 00:15:41,300
You're just not
a new-car kind of guy.
298
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,467
Why don't you get yourself
a nice used car.
299
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:45,634
I don't want
a used car.
300
00:15:45,634 --> 00:15:47,701
I want a new car,
like the little boy.
301
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:49,334
You can't
have one.
302
00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:51,234
All right.
I know you're right.
303
00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:53,767
I'm sorry for
wasting all your time.
304
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:55,334
[SIGHS]
305
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,267
Get out!
306
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:03,534
Hey, man!
307
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:05,901
[STARTS ENGINE]
308
00:16:05,901 --> 00:16:06,934
Hey!
309
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:08,167
Get out of
that car!
310
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,834
No, no, it's mine.
It's my car.
311
00:16:09,834 --> 00:16:10,834
I worked for it.
312
00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:12,133
No, you can't take it,
please.
313
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,767
Ask him, the kid
don't even want it.
314
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:17,100
Twenty years I've toiled
by the sweat of my brow.
315
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,033
Whiteman, Whiteman,
listen.
316
00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:20,167
That kid
is a monster.
317
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,901
He don't like
the car. Ask him!
318
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:23,300
Buy me one,
please.
319
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,868
I'd be proud
to call you "Daddy."
320
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:27,000
Take it easy now,
pal.
321
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,767
Come on, settle down,
big fella. Come on.
322
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:30,167
Here, here,
take this card.
323
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,901
Now, it's got the address
of a good used-car lot.
324
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:34,234
Now, you tell them
I sent you.
325
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:36,033
They'll treat
you right.
326
00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:39,968
[WALKABOUTS'
"POOR SIDE OF TOWN" PLAYING]
327
00:16:39,968 --> 00:16:42,334
* So welcome back, baby *
328
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:47,334
*To the poor side of town *
329
00:16:47,334 --> 00:16:51,167
* To him you ain't nothin' *
330
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,267
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
331
00:16:54,601 --> 00:16:57,000
Aw.
Hi, honey.
332
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,801
I saw you pushing
333
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:01,133
your new car
up the street.
334
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:02,701
How do you
like it?
335
00:17:02,701 --> 00:17:05,567
Well, it pushes
pretty smooth,
336
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,434
but, uh,
it's a little rough
337
00:17:08,434 --> 00:17:09,801
passing on
the expressways,
338
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:13,601
but, uh, the handling
more than makes up for it.
339
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,334
Sit down,
honey.
340
00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:23,634
You're not happy
with your car, are you?
341
00:17:23,634 --> 00:17:26,701
Well, you know,
maybe I've been--
342
00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:28,033
[SIGHS]
343
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:29,300
[WRENCHING SOUND]
344
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:33,868
That's better.
345
00:17:33,868 --> 00:17:36,167
Anyway, maybe I've been
a little selfish.
346
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:38,033
I mean, you are
the breadwinner,
347
00:17:38,033 --> 00:17:39,501
and you work
very hard,
348
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,434
and you deserve
to have a good car.
349
00:17:41,434 --> 00:17:43,267
So I'm going to do
something for you
350
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,033
that I should've done
in the first place.
351
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:46,100
You're going to
get a job
352
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,367
and pay me back the $4200
you stole from me?
353
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:53,901
Oh, Al,
you're a crackup.
354
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:03,868
Anyway,
355
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:05,234
what I am
going to do
356
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,567
is I'm gonna give you
the number of a guy
357
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:09,901
that can give you a great deal
on a good used car
358
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:13,501
He's the son of the guy
that I buy my shoes from.
359
00:18:15,033 --> 00:18:16,367
Just mention
my name.
360
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:17,868
He'll treat you
like a king.
361
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,334
["KING OF THE ROAD" PLAYING]
362
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:25,934
* I'm a man of means
By no means *
363
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:29,334
* King of the Road *
364
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:32,467
* Third boxcar
Midnight train *
365
00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:37,501
* Destination
Bangor, Maine *
366
00:18:37,501 --> 00:18:38,601
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
367
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:42,334
Ah, no. Why?
What have I done?
368
00:18:42,334 --> 00:18:45,934
Am I not fit to die?
369
00:18:45,934 --> 00:18:48,868
PEGGY:
Daddy's home!
370
00:18:53,868 --> 00:18:57,901
Whoo! Good choice,
honey.
371
00:18:57,901 --> 00:19:00,334
It's a much
lighter car.
372
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:04,234
Yeah, I can almost
pull this one.
373
00:19:04,234 --> 00:19:06,567
Dad, wouldn't it
be a lot easier
374
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:10,367
to walk to work
without the car?
375
00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:13,400
Oh, come on, Bud.
Don't be stupid.
376
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:17,167
It's way too far
for Daddy to walk without a car.
377
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:22,968
You know, I can't believe
he cheated you.
378
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:25,467
Well, that's it!
I am getting in this car
379
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,367
and you are pushing me
back down there
380
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,434
so I can give this guy
a piece of my mind.
381
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:31,767
Get in the car,
kids.
382
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:34,701
Okay, um, Daddy?
383
00:19:34,701 --> 00:19:36,734
I know it's a few miles
out of the way,
384
00:19:36,734 --> 00:19:38,501
but could we stop
at Samantha's house?
385
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:39,667
'Cause I told her
386
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:42,367
that we could give her
a ride to the airport.
387
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:45,133
BUD:
Dad, could we drop me
at the mall?
388
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,300
All right, everybody,
let's hold it right there.
389
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:50,167
Now how long
have I know you guys,
390
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:52,834
what, about 200-300 years?
391
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:54,734
In that time,
392
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:58,567
I have learned to do
without several things:
393
00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:00,200
a yacht,
394
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,000
a summer home,
395
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,267
love, respect, food.
396
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:06,868
I can accept that.
397
00:20:06,868 --> 00:20:08,901
But I will live
not one more day
398
00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:10,133
without a car
that runs.
399
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:11,968
So, no more advice.
400
00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:14,701
I will go find
my own used-car lot,
401
00:20:14,701 --> 00:20:15,868
and if I
come home tonight,
402
00:20:15,868 --> 00:20:17,200
God willing,
403
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,868
it will be
behind the wheel
404
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:21,367
of something
that goes "vroom."
405
00:20:21,367 --> 00:20:24,133
Al Bundy
pushes no more.
406
00:20:24,133 --> 00:20:25,434
Now get out of my car.
407
00:20:29,868 --> 00:20:33,934
Now,
get along the side
408
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:36,934
and help me
push this car.
409
00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:38,033
Let's go.
Let's go.
410
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:39,133
That's it.
That's it.
411
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:42,400
See? It's much better
with a little help.
412
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,167
Now, Peg, it's your job,
very important,
413
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:46,133
when we get to
the bottom of the hill
414
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:48,234
that you get on the brakes
and stop the car.
415
00:20:48,234 --> 00:20:49,334
It's very important.
416
00:20:55,434 --> 00:20:57,267
[RICKY NELSON'S "I'M WALKING"
PLAYING]
417
00:20:57,267 --> 00:20:58,634
* I'm walking
Yes indeed *
418
00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:01,067
* I'm talking
Like you and me *
419
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:04,868
* I'm hoping
That you'll come back to me *
420
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,501
* I'm lonely
As I can be *
421
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,601
* And I've waited
For your company *
422
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:12,300
* I'm hoping
That you'll come back to me *
423
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:13,367
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
424
00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:17,634
[HONKING HORN]
425
00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:21,801
Daddy,
you're driving!
426
00:21:21,801 --> 00:21:23,901
You're darn right
I am.
427
00:21:23,901 --> 00:21:25,901
[LAUGHING]
428
00:21:25,901 --> 00:21:27,300
Well, what
do you think?
429
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,534
It looks like
your old car.
430
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:32,467
Peg, that just goes to show
how little you know about cars.
431
00:21:32,467 --> 00:21:36,434
My old car had
99,000 miles on it.
432
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:38,067
This one's
only got, uh...
433
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:40,601
Eighteen.
434
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:45,267
Kids, what did we learn
from this?
435
00:21:45,267 --> 00:21:47,734
That this car was
only driven
436
00:21:47,734 --> 00:21:50,467
one mile per year?
437
00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:53,634
No! That with
a little care,
438
00:21:53,634 --> 00:21:56,467
we can still find
a very good used car
439
00:21:56,467 --> 00:21:58,167
that drives
like a dream.
440
00:21:58,167 --> 00:21:59,267
I'm telling you,
Peg,
441
00:21:59,267 --> 00:22:01,534
this baby fits me
like a glove.
442
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:02,834
Even the
radio stations,
443
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:05,434
they're tuned into all
the old channels that I like.
444
00:22:05,434 --> 00:22:08,267
Sure, it was
a little more expensive,
445
00:22:08,267 --> 00:22:09,734
but they were
willing to finance,
446
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:12,367
and in three years,
this baby'll be all mine!
447
00:22:12,367 --> 00:22:13,901
Let's go.
448
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,334
Yep, Al Bundy
finally won one.
449
00:22:38,901 --> 00:22:41,868
[***]1
00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:07,033
[***]
2
00:01:14,968 --> 00:01:17,033
[BEACH BOYS'
"I GET AROUND" PLAYING]
3
00:01:17,068 --> 00:01:18,933
* I get around, yeah *
4
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:21,133
* Get around round round
I get around *
5
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,399
* I get around *
6
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:24,234
* Get around round round
I get around *
7
00:01:24,269 --> 00:01:25,499
* From town to town *
8
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:27,234
* Get around round round
I get around *
9
00:01:27,269 --> 00:01:28,601
* I'm a real cool head *
10
00:01:28,636 --> 00:01:29,901
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
11
00:01:29,936 --> 00:01:32,400
[PANTING]
12
00:01:34,033 --> 00:01:37,767
Yep, one more payment
and you're all mine.
13
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:45,632
Hi, Daddy.
14
00:01:45,667 --> 00:01:47,734
I saw you pushing the car.
Doesn't it work?
15
00:01:47,769 --> 00:01:50,401
Well, sure it does,
honey.
16
00:01:50,436 --> 00:01:52,998
It was just such
a nice day,
17
00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:56,283
I didn't want to waste
it sitting in the car,
18
00:01:56,318 --> 00:01:59,534
like all those other
jerks on the expressway.
19
00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:04,098
Of course
it doesn't work.
20
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:06,799
Honey, if you saw Dad
pushing it,
21
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:08,767
why didn't you
come and give me a hand?
22
00:02:08,802 --> 00:02:11,065
Well, it looked
pretty boring.
23
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,200
I mean you were going
so slow and everything.
24
00:02:13,235 --> 00:02:15,300
You know, a person could get
a heart attack
25
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:16,432
pushing a car
in this heat.
26
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:17,965
And then you gotta
think about Mom.
27
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,632
What would she do
if she lost both of us?
28
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:22,033
If you kick, it's okay 'cause
she can always marry again,
29
00:02:22,068 --> 00:02:23,567
but if I went...
30
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,032
Kelly, honey!
31
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:26,300
Forget about it,
okay?
32
00:02:26,335 --> 00:02:27,499
Just give old Dad
a chance
33
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:30,968
to push his spleen
back through his navel.
34
00:02:31,003 --> 00:02:32,098
Hey, Dad.
35
00:02:32,133 --> 00:02:33,601
Saw you pushing
the old car.
36
00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:34,866
Me and my friends
37
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:36,801
never thought you'd
make it up the hill.
38
00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:41,434
Did you ever think
about helping old Dad?
39
00:02:41,469 --> 00:02:43,933
In this heat?
40
00:02:43,968 --> 00:02:45,984
You know, you kids
have been so great.
41
00:02:46,019 --> 00:02:47,965
Why don't you just hop
in the car,
42
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,534
and I'll push the two of you
down to the ice cream parlor.
43
00:02:50,569 --> 00:02:52,300
Thanks, Dad.
44
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:57,000
Oh, and push it fast
so we look cool, okay?
45
00:02:58,634 --> 00:03:01,484
Dad, why don't we
just get a new car?
46
00:03:01,519 --> 00:03:04,334
Bud, you don't throw
something away
47
00:03:04,369 --> 00:03:05,666
just 'cause it
doesn't work.
48
00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:07,968
If that was the case,
you wouldn't have a mother.
49
00:03:09,901 --> 00:03:15,267
Now, let's find exactly what
is wrong with this car.
50
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:18,998
[GRUNTS]
51
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,367
Ah, ya stinking
old pile of junk.
52
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,098
Junk pile.
53
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:29,300
Daddy, can't we do this
after we get ice cream?
54
00:03:32,868 --> 00:03:35,434
Kelly, we already
got ice cream,
55
00:03:35,469 --> 00:03:37,234
and we're home.
56
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,100
Get out
of the car.
57
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,868
I didn't get any.
58
00:03:47,434 --> 00:03:49,934
Kelly, get back
in the car.
59
00:03:49,969 --> 00:03:52,434
Bud, did you
get ice cream?
60
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,634
BUD: Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.
61
00:03:56,669 --> 00:03:59,167
Where was I?
62
00:04:01,968 --> 00:04:03,767
Kelly, honey,
can you hear me?
63
00:04:03,802 --> 00:04:05,033
[HORN HONKS]
64
00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:06,167
Ow!
65
00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:09,833
Good, good.
66
00:04:09,868 --> 00:04:12,734
Now, honey,
when I say "now,"
67
00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:14,399
turn it over,
68
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,801
and try not to honk
the horn, okay?
69
00:04:16,836 --> 00:04:17,901
[HORN HONKS]
70
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:23,200
That meant "okay,"
Daddy.
71
00:04:23,235 --> 00:04:25,232
Good, good.
72
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,232
Are you sure
you know
73
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,868
what you're doing
in there?
74
00:04:28,903 --> 00:04:30,165
You know, Bud,
75
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,634
you're starting to sound
like your mother.
76
00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,399
Uh-huh, yeah.
77
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:44,100
I see there's some dirt
on the round thing.
78
00:04:44,135 --> 00:04:45,701
All right,
I think I got it.
79
00:04:45,736 --> 00:04:47,065
Kelly,
turn it on.
80
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:49,667
Uh, Dad, you might want
to tell Kelly
81
00:04:49,702 --> 00:04:50,766
to use the key,
82
00:04:50,801 --> 00:04:52,901
or she might start
rubbing up against it.
83
00:04:57,634 --> 00:04:59,167
Kelly knows what
she's doing, Bud.
84
00:04:59,202 --> 00:05:01,268
She's not
an idiot.
85
00:05:01,303 --> 00:05:03,851
Use the key,
honey.
86
00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,400
[WEAK ENGINE NOISE]
87
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:12,000
It's no use.
I know that sound.
88
00:05:12,035 --> 00:05:13,032
That's a death rattle.
89
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,534
I make it myself
every morning.
90
00:05:15,569 --> 00:05:16,968
Go in the house.
91
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:21,033
Get out of the car,
Kelly.
92
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:24,517
Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
93
00:05:24,552 --> 00:05:26,299
Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
94
00:05:26,334 --> 00:05:30,701
You know, you're starting
to sound like one of my dates.
95
00:05:30,736 --> 00:05:32,185
They promise me
ice cream too,
96
00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:33,634
but they never
give me any.
97
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,401
Hi, Mom.
98
00:05:48,436 --> 00:05:49,868
Hi, Kelly.
99
00:05:49,903 --> 00:05:51,435
Hi, Mom.
100
00:05:51,470 --> 00:05:52,885
Hi, Bud.
101
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,265
Hi, Peg.
102
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,667
And before you say hi
to the milkman, it's me.
103
00:05:57,702 --> 00:05:59,432
I know.
104
00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:01,367
I have a nose.
105
00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,399
By the way,
honey,
106
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,734
I saw you pushing
your car home.
107
00:06:06,769 --> 00:06:08,866
Doesn't it work?
108
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:11,000
Peg, if you saw me
pushing the car home,
109
00:06:11,035 --> 00:06:12,232
why didn't you
help me?
110
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,165
Well, I saw the kids
out there,
111
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,901
and I figured if they weren't
going to help, why should I?
112
00:06:16,936 --> 00:06:20,133
Kids, I have a little family
announcement to make,
113
00:06:20,168 --> 00:06:22,000
but since I don't have
an actual family,
114
00:06:22,035 --> 00:06:24,732
I'll say it to you.
115
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,367
I have decided
that it's time
116
00:06:26,402 --> 00:06:29,118
for me to buy
a new car.
117
00:06:29,153 --> 00:06:31,834
Oh, that's great!
A new car!
118
00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:33,018
I want a Cadillac.
119
00:06:33,053 --> 00:06:34,226
I want
a Ferrari.
120
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,365
I want
a Porsche.
121
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,534
Your wishes
mean nothing to me.
122
00:06:38,634 --> 00:06:40,399
It's going to be
my car,
123
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,766
and I'll decide
what I'm getting.
124
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:46,332
Yeah, just don't get
another weenie-mobile.
125
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:49,834
If I want a weenie-mobile,
I'll buy a weenie-mobile.
126
00:06:49,869 --> 00:06:52,934
At least it'll be
a new weenie-mobile.
127
00:06:52,969 --> 00:06:55,199
A new car
at last.
128
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:57,767
Anything I've ever
owned has been used.
129
00:06:57,802 --> 00:06:59,934
My car, my house,
my...
130
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:12,000
Kids, today you're
going to witness
131
00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:14,634
the last great
American tradition.
132
00:07:14,669 --> 00:07:16,599
Daddy's buying
a new car,
133
00:07:16,634 --> 00:07:19,734
and I wanted my family
to share the experience.
134
00:07:19,769 --> 00:07:21,667
Well, then, shouldn't
we have brought Mom?
135
00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:24,666
Let her get
her own family.
136
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:27,734
Hey, Dad, you going to tell
us what's in the box now?
137
00:07:27,769 --> 00:07:30,265
Ten years
of my life, son.
138
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,334
Hm. It's an awful
big box for that, Dad.
139
00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:36,634
"Oh, an awful
big box. "
140
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,567
Do you think that Dad
likes to be reminded
141
00:07:41,602 --> 00:07:43,334
that the last decade
of his life
142
00:07:43,369 --> 00:07:45,284
is one big goose egg,
143
00:07:45,319 --> 00:07:47,165
a vast wasteland,
144
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,100
a black hole
from which hope
145
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,965
can neither enter
nor escape?
146
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,801
Shut up and humor him like
we do on Father's Day, okay?
147
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,200
You're the greatest,
Daddy!
148
00:07:57,235 --> 00:07:58,466
Yeah, Dad,
149
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:00,667
you're the "bestest" Dad
in the whole, wide world.
150
00:08:00,702 --> 00:08:04,200
Now, tell us more about your magic shoe.
151
00:08:04,235 --> 00:08:06,784
It's not a shoe,
you dolts.
152
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,334
You're looking
at $5,000.
153
00:08:09,369 --> 00:08:10,684
Mine,
animals.
154
00:08:10,719 --> 00:08:12,000
Mine,
animals.
155
00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:18,968
Took me 10 years
to save for this.
156
00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,468
Cutting corners
for years,
157
00:08:20,503 --> 00:08:22,618
using the same
razor blade,
158
00:08:22,653 --> 00:08:24,627
using the same
TV guide,
159
00:08:24,662 --> 00:08:26,601
reusing the same
mouthwash.
160
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:32,067
And now, finally,
the fruits of my suffering.
161
00:08:32,102 --> 00:08:33,432
Well,
162
00:08:33,467 --> 00:08:36,200
I thought we were the fruits
of your suffering, Daddy.
163
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:41,799
No, you're the vegetables
of my suffering.
164
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:45,167
But anyhow, I buried my box
so deep in the backyard
165
00:08:45,202 --> 00:08:46,767
that the devil himself,
your mother,
166
00:08:46,802 --> 00:08:48,833
could not find it.
167
00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:53,334
And this
is my new car!
168
00:08:53,369 --> 00:08:54,400
BUD:
Oh, yeah.
169
00:08:54,435 --> 00:08:56,067
Get in.
170
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,766
Ah.
171
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,467
Take a deep breath,
kids.
172
00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:03,799
[INHALING SOUND]
173
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:06,868
That's enough. You're
sucking up all the new.
174
00:09:06,903 --> 00:09:08,434
What do you think,
kids?
175
00:09:08,469 --> 00:09:09,766
Well, I don't know.
176
00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:11,534
There's not a lot
of room back here.
177
00:09:11,569 --> 00:09:12,734
Well...
178
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,399
that might
be because
179
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:19,067
you're not lying down
like usual.
180
00:09:22,234 --> 00:09:24,432
Hey, Dad, don't
forget to buy
181
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:26,968
a "neutered boy
on board" sticker.
182
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,599
Oh, yeah,
and rubber seats,
183
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:33,067
you know, for his
little problem.
184
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,098
Yeah, well,
185
00:09:36,133 --> 00:09:38,267
I guess this
will be okay.
186
00:09:40,767 --> 00:09:42,933
Ah, I don't care.
187
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:44,968
I'm in a new car,
and I'm still alive.
188
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:46,699
Oh, God.
189
00:09:46,734 --> 00:09:49,167
Now kids, wait till the salesman
comes over here.
190
00:09:49,202 --> 00:09:52,167
You'll see old Dad
wheel and deal then.
191
00:09:52,202 --> 00:09:53,466
Were you wheeling
and dealing
192
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:56,367
when you sold our old car
for a ride over here?
193
00:09:58,334 --> 00:09:59,532
Hey, Dad?
194
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:02,517
If he won't deal,
show him some leg.
195
00:10:02,552 --> 00:10:05,467
I got a Walkman
for 5 bucks once.
196
00:10:05,502 --> 00:10:07,968
Lie down, Kelly.
197
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,132
Can I help you,
sir?
198
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:13,367
Yeah, the sticker
on this says $15,000,
199
00:10:13,402 --> 00:10:16,367
but, uh, how much
is it really?
200
00:10:16,402 --> 00:10:17,701
Fifteen thousand.
201
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,133
Okay, I'll tell you
what I'll do. Uh...
202
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,100
I give you 10.
203
00:10:29,135 --> 00:10:30,232
Great!
204
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:32,901
But if you want the car,
it'll be 15.
205
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:34,934
Let's say 12.
Fifteen.
206
00:10:34,969 --> 00:10:36,032
Fourteen.
Fifteen.
207
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,567
Okay, but I want you
to throw in
208
00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:39,032
air-conditioning, no charge. Nope.
209
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:41,133
Okay, but I want you to
throw in a stereo. Nope.
210
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:42,300
Undercoating.
Uh-uh.
211
00:10:42,335 --> 00:10:43,965
Okay.
212
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,265
But I'm not driving
out of here
213
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,767
till I have a wooden
gearshift knob, no extra cost.
214
00:10:47,802 --> 00:10:48,934
Let me think.
215
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,567
Hey, Vince.
216
00:10:50,602 --> 00:10:51,799
Yup.
217
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:54,267
How much is a plastic
wooden-gearshift knob?
218
00:10:54,302 --> 00:10:55,501
Twenty-five
cents.
219
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,434
I give it to you
for 50 bucks.
220
00:10:58,469 --> 00:10:59,784
Deal, sucker!
221
00:10:59,819 --> 00:11:01,100
[LAUGHING]
222
00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:04,699
How do you
intend to pay?
223
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:08,400
Well, how does a $5,000
deposit sound?
224
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,934
Bud, peel him off
5 big ones.
225
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,817
Well, I'd love to,
Dad,
226
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:21,300
but all you got
is $800.
227
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:23,232
Is that all?
228
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,300
Well,
that and a red hair.
229
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,734
Hello, snookums.
230
00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:44,132
Peg, I wanna
talk to you.
231
00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:46,501
Yeah, well, actually,
I wanna talk to you too.
232
00:11:46,536 --> 00:11:48,300
Can we have
a maid?
233
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,200
This place
is such a mess.
234
00:11:52,235 --> 00:11:53,701
God.
235
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:57,333
Peg, let me
ask you something.
236
00:11:57,368 --> 00:12:00,084
In your travels
in the back yard,
237
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:02,801
say about eight paces
from the tree,
238
00:12:02,836 --> 00:12:06,232
twelve-feet down.
239
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,384
Did you ever
find a box,
240
00:12:08,419 --> 00:12:10,501
with, say,
oh, about, uh,
241
00:12:10,536 --> 00:12:14,067
$5,000 in it?
242
00:12:15,467 --> 00:12:17,767
Was that yours?
243
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:19,998
Yes.
244
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:23,183
Where do you think
it came from?
245
00:12:23,218 --> 00:12:26,299
Well, I just figured
that, uh,
246
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:28,667
before the white man
settled the area,
247
00:12:28,702 --> 00:12:30,801
the Indians
buried it there.
248
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,732
Uh-huh.
249
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,684
Well, why would
thelndians
250
00:12:35,719 --> 00:12:37,601
write "Al"
on the box?
251
00:12:39,868 --> 00:12:41,399
Well,
252
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:45,167
I just thought that, uh,
someone killed the guy
253
00:12:45,202 --> 00:12:46,132
before he wrote,
254
00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:50,100
"A lot of money
for whoever finds it. "
255
00:12:54,033 --> 00:12:56,701
Well, then, I guess I have
some bad news for me.
256
00:12:56,736 --> 00:12:59,200
See, that was
my new car fund, Peg,
257
00:12:59,235 --> 00:13:01,801
a long,
long time ago.
258
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:12,065
Peg, how could
you spend $4,200?
259
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,767
Well, you remember when
you yelled at me
260
00:13:14,802 --> 00:13:17,399
'cause there wasn't
any juice in the house?
261
00:13:17,434 --> 00:13:20,133
Well, I took some money,
and I bought you juice.
262
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,299
And a coat for me.
263
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:26,367
And then, remember when
you demanded dinner?
264
00:13:26,402 --> 00:13:27,965
Well, I took
some more money
265
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,234
and I bought you
a bucket of chicken.
266
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,432
And a coat for Mom.
267
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:34,732
And then
the rest of it,
268
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:38,098
well, I have to admit,
I spent foolishly.
269
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:40,567
Honey, could you come out
in the back yard with me?
270
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,767
I have the urge
to bury something else.
271
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:50,799
You are really mad
about this?
272
00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:54,367
You know, if anyone
should be mad, it's me.
273
00:13:54,402 --> 00:13:57,901
You're the one who's
hiding money from me.
274
00:13:57,936 --> 00:13:58,933
You would've
spent it.
275
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,534
Then why are you
acting so surprised?
276
00:14:06,434 --> 00:14:09,033
Well, I hope
you're happy, Al.
277
00:14:09,068 --> 00:14:10,834
Now I'm all tense.
278
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:15,633
Well, look, honey,
you've got $800.
279
00:14:15,668 --> 00:14:18,098
Why don't we spend it
on the two of us?
280
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:21,501
You know, what do you say,
juice and a fur coat?
281
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,934
Well, you know, I do have
some good news, Al.
282
00:14:26,969 --> 00:14:28,699
One of the girls
at the beauty parlor
283
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:33,100
said that she would buy
your old car for $1100.
284
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,734
You've made a wise choice,
Mr. and Mrs. Whiteman.
285
00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:06,300
This is the last one
we have in stock.
286
00:15:06,335 --> 00:15:08,133
Pretty good deal too
at 12-thou.
287
00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:13,467
Well, nothing's too good
for our Lewis.
288
00:15:13,502 --> 00:15:16,200
Lewis got a "C"
in Francais.
289
00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:18,732
I want
a Maserati.
290
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,267
You will take this
and like it!
291
00:15:20,302 --> 00:15:21,998
I hate you!
292
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,634
Kids,
heh, heh.
293
00:15:23,669 --> 00:15:24,934
Come on.
294
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,017
What can we do
for you, sir?
295
00:15:34,052 --> 00:15:35,968
Oh, yeah,
the shoebox man.
296
00:15:37,534 --> 00:15:39,417
Hey, look, why don't
we face facts?
297
00:15:39,452 --> 00:15:41,265
You're just not
a new-car kind of guy.
298
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,467
Why don't you get yourself
a nice used car.
299
00:15:43,502 --> 00:15:45,599
I don't want
a used car.
300
00:15:45,634 --> 00:15:47,701
I want a new car,
like the little boy.
301
00:15:47,736 --> 00:15:49,299
You can't
have one.
302
00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:51,199
All right.
I know you're right.
303
00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:53,767
I'm sorry for
wasting all your time.
304
00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:55,334
[SIGHS]
305
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,333
Get out!
306
00:16:02,368 --> 00:16:03,534
Hey, man!
307
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:05,901
[STARTS ENGINE]
308
00:16:05,936 --> 00:16:06,899
Hey!
309
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:08,132
Get out of
that car!
310
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,834
No, no, it's mine.
It's my car.
311
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:10,799
I worked for it.
312
00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:12,098
No, you can't take it,
please.
313
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,732
Ask him, the kid
don't even want it.
314
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:17,100
Twenty years I've toiled
by the sweat of my brow.
315
00:16:17,135 --> 00:16:19,033
Whiteman, Whiteman,
listen.
316
00:16:19,068 --> 00:16:20,132
That kid
is a monster.
317
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,901
He don't like
the car. Ask him!
318
00:16:21,936 --> 00:16:23,265
Buy me one,
please.
319
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,868
I'd be proud
to call you "Daddy. "
320
00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:26,965
Take it easy now,
pal.
321
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,767
Come on, settle down,
big fella. Come on.
322
00:16:28,802 --> 00:16:30,132
Here, here,
take this card.
323
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,901
Now, it's got the address
of a good used-car lot.
324
00:16:32,936 --> 00:16:34,234
Now, you tell them
I sent you.
325
00:16:34,269 --> 00:16:36,033
They'll treat
you right.
326
00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:39,968
[WALKABOUTS'
"POOR SIDE OF TOWN" PLAYING]
327
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:43,668
* So welcome back, baby *
328
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,435
*To the poor side of town *
329
00:16:47,470 --> 00:16:51,167
* To him you ain't nothin' *
330
00:16:51,202 --> 00:16:53,267
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
331
00:16:54,601 --> 00:16:56,701
Aw.
Hi, honey.
332
00:16:56,736 --> 00:16:58,766
I saw you pushing
333
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:01,133
your new car
up the street.
334
00:17:01,168 --> 00:17:02,666
How do you
like it?
335
00:17:02,701 --> 00:17:05,567
Well, it pushes
pretty smooth,
336
00:17:05,602 --> 00:17:07,701
but, uh,
it's a little rough
337
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,766
passing on
the expressways,
338
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:13,601
but, uh, the handling
more than makes up for it.
339
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,334
Sit down,
honey.
340
00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:23,634
You're not happy
with your car, are you?
341
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:26,701
Well, you know,
maybe I've been...
342
00:17:26,736 --> 00:17:27,998
[SIGHS]
343
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:29,300
[WRENCHING SOUND]
344
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:33,833
That's better.
345
00:17:33,868 --> 00:17:36,167
Anyway, maybe I've been
a little selfish.
346
00:17:36,202 --> 00:17:38,033
I mean, you are
the breadwinner,
347
00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:39,466
and you work
very hard,
348
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,384
and you deserve
to have a good car.
349
00:17:41,419 --> 00:17:43,232
So I'm going to do
something for you
350
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,033
that I should've done
in the first place.
351
00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:46,065
You're going to
get a job
352
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,367
and pay me back the $4200
you stole from me?
353
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:53,901
Oh, Al,
you're a crackup.
354
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:03,833
Anyway,
355
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:05,199
what I am
going to do
356
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,532
is I'm gonna give you
the number of a guy
357
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:10,534
that can give you a great deal
on a good used car
358
00:18:10,569 --> 00:18:13,501
He's the son of the guy
that I buy my shoes from.
359
00:18:15,033 --> 00:18:16,332
Just mention
my name.
360
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:17,868
He'll treat you
like a king.
361
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,299
["KING OF THE ROAD" PLAYING]
362
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:25,934
* I'm a man of means
By no means *
363
00:18:25,969 --> 00:18:29,299
* King of the Road *
364
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:33,417
* Third boxcar
Midnight train *
365
00:18:33,452 --> 00:18:37,501
* Destination
Bangor, Maine *
366
00:18:37,536 --> 00:18:38,566
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
367
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:42,334
Ah, no. Why?
What have I done?
368
00:18:42,369 --> 00:18:45,618
Am I not fit to die?
369
00:18:45,653 --> 00:18:48,868
PEGGY:
Daddy's home!
370
00:18:53,868 --> 00:18:57,101
Whoo! Good choice,
honey.
371
00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:00,299
It's a much
lighter car.
372
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:03,450
Yeah, I can almost
pull this one.
373
00:19:03,485 --> 00:19:06,926
Dad, wouldn't it
be a lot easier
374
00:19:06,961 --> 00:19:10,180
to walk to work
without the car?
375
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,365
Oh, come on, Bud.
Don't be stupid.
376
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:17,167
It's way too far
for Daddy to walk without a car.
377
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:23,067
You know, I can't believe
he cheated you.
378
00:19:23,102 --> 00:19:25,234
Well, that's it!
I am getting in this car
379
00:19:25,269 --> 00:19:27,851
and you are pushing me
back down there
380
00:19:27,886 --> 00:19:30,434
so I can give this guy
a piece of my mind.
381
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:31,767
Get in the car,
kids.
382
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:34,666
Okay, um, Daddy?
383
00:19:34,701 --> 00:19:36,601
I know it's a few miles
out of the way,
384
00:19:36,636 --> 00:19:38,501
but could we stop
at Samantha's house?
385
00:19:38,536 --> 00:19:39,632
'Cause I told her
386
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:42,367
that we could give her
a ride to the airport.
387
00:19:42,402 --> 00:19:45,098
BUD: Dad, could we drop me at the mall?
388
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,300
All right, everybody,
let's hold it right there.
389
00:19:47,335 --> 00:19:50,167
Now how long
have I know you guys,
390
00:19:50,202 --> 00:19:52,834
what, about 200-300 years?
391
00:19:52,869 --> 00:19:54,699
In that time,
392
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:58,567
I have learned to do
without several things:
393
00:19:58,602 --> 00:20:00,165
a yacht,
394
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,965
a summer home,
395
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,434
love, respect, food.
396
00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:06,833
I can accept that.
397
00:20:06,868 --> 00:20:08,901
But I will live
not one more day
398
00:20:08,936 --> 00:20:10,133
without a car
that runs.
399
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,933
So, no more advice.
400
00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:14,701
I will go find
my own used-car lot,
401
00:20:14,736 --> 00:20:15,868
and if I
come home tonight,
402
00:20:15,903 --> 00:20:17,165
God willing,
403
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,283
it will be
behind the wheel
404
00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,367
of something
that goes "vroom. "
405
00:20:21,402 --> 00:20:23,418
Al Bundy
pushes no more.
406
00:20:23,453 --> 00:20:25,434
Now get out of my car.
407
00:20:29,868 --> 00:20:33,401
Now,
get along the side
408
00:20:33,436 --> 00:20:36,934
and help me
push this car.
409
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,051
Let's go.
Let's go.
410
00:20:38,086 --> 00:20:39,098
That's it.
That's it.
411
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:41,650
See? It's much better
with a little help.
412
00:20:41,685 --> 00:20:43,909
Now, Peg, it's your job,
very important,
413
00:20:43,944 --> 00:20:46,098
when we get to
the bottom of the hill
414
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:48,234
that you get on the brakes
and stop the car.
415
00:20:48,269 --> 00:20:49,334
It's very important.
416
00:20:55,434 --> 00:20:57,034
[RICKY NELSON'S "I'M WALKING"
PLAYING]
417
00:20:57,069 --> 00:20:58,599
* I'm walking
Yes indeed *
418
00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:01,032
* I'm talking
Like you and me *
419
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:04,868
* I'm hoping
That you'll come back to me *
420
00:21:04,903 --> 00:21:06,466
* I'm lonely
As I can be *
421
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,566
* And I've waited
For your company *
422
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:12,300
* I'm hoping
That you'll come back to me *
423
00:21:12,335 --> 00:21:14,984
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
424
00:21:15,019 --> 00:21:17,634
[HONKING HORN]
425
00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:21,367
Daddy,
you're driving!
426
00:21:21,402 --> 00:21:23,901
You're darn right
I am.
427
00:21:23,936 --> 00:21:25,866
[LAUGHING]
428
00:21:25,901 --> 00:21:27,717
Well, what
do you think?
429
00:21:27,752 --> 00:21:29,499
It looks like
your old car.
430
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:32,467
Peg, that just goes to show
how little you know about cars.
431
00:21:32,502 --> 00:21:36,434
My old car had
99,000 miles on it.
432
00:21:36,469 --> 00:21:38,067
This one's
only got, uh...
433
00:21:38,102 --> 00:21:40,601
Eighteen.
434
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:45,267
Kids, what did we learn
from this?
435
00:21:45,302 --> 00:21:47,734
That this car was
only driven
436
00:21:47,769 --> 00:21:50,432
one mile per year?
437
00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:53,599
No! That with
a little care,
438
00:21:53,634 --> 00:21:56,467
we can still find
a very good used car
439
00:21:56,502 --> 00:21:57,884
that drives
like a dream.
440
00:21:57,919 --> 00:21:59,232
I'm telling you,
Peg,
441
00:21:59,267 --> 00:22:01,534
this baby fits me
like a glove.
442
00:22:01,569 --> 00:22:02,799
Even the
radio stations,
443
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:05,434
they're tuned into all
the old channels that I like.
444
00:22:05,469 --> 00:22:07,601
Sure, it was
a little more expensive,
445
00:22:07,636 --> 00:22:09,699
but they were
willing to finance,
446
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:12,367
and in three years,
this baby'll be all mine!
447
00:22:12,402 --> 00:22:13,901
Let's go.
448
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,334
Yep, Al Bundy
finally won one.
449
00:22:38,901 --> 00:22:41,868
[***]1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:05,934
[***]
2
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:21,100
I work in a shoe store,
3
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:23,767
and still I'm not happy
to come home.
4
00:01:26,901 --> 00:01:29,767
Mr. Bundy,
wanna buy some
chipmunk cookies?
5
00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:31,400
No. Go away.
6
00:01:33,434 --> 00:01:36,200
You can't tell me
you're not hungry.
7
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,968
My daddy says you eat
bugs and dirt.
8
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,000
Well, you go home
and tell your daddy,
9
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,567
you have
the mailman's eyes.
10
00:01:48,868 --> 00:01:51,367
It's food.
11
00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:53,234
All right.
12
00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:55,634
Gimme a box
of these macaroons.
13
00:01:55,634 --> 00:01:58,801
Cash only...deadbeat.
14
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,067
I don't have any cash.
Give me some credit.
15
00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:04,267
Eat a bug.
16
00:02:05,534 --> 00:02:07,367
Wet a bed.
17
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,534
Ah, jeez.
18
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:20,534
"Dear Al...
19
00:02:21,701 --> 00:02:24,200
"you always complain
there's no dinner.
20
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,434
Surprise. I left it
on the table for you."
21
00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:36,634
You ate my dinner,
you bag of fleas
and ticks.
22
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:37,901
I'm starving.
23
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:51,667
Hi, honey.
24
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:54,167
Oh, Al, we had
such a great day.
25
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:56,334
Steve took us all
to the zoo.
26
00:02:56,334 --> 00:02:58,734
And Al, it was
the best time to go.
27
00:02:58,734 --> 00:03:00,300
No lines or anything.
28
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,133
Because, you know,
during the day,
29
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,701
all the idiots
who have jobs
can't go.
30
00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:07,300
[LAUGHING]
31
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,400
Dad, you'll never
guess what we saw
32
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,934
at the zoo today,
with Uncle Steve.
33
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:17,067
A family of vultures
pecking the flesh of the daddy?
34
00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:20,067
No. A big gorilla,
big as you,
35
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,667
scratching himself.
36
00:03:22,667 --> 00:03:26,467
Yeah, and he had
one hand where
his pants would be.
37
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:28,167
And in his other hand--
38
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,033
You know how you hold
your beer?
39
00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:32,000
Well, he was holding
something.
40
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:36,200
I think
it was doody.
41
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:43,434
Where were you
around 3:00 today?
42
00:03:44,868 --> 00:03:47,167
You know, my favorite part
was the penguin cage.
43
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:48,701
It really makes you think.
44
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:51,701
There, but for
the flippers, go I.
45
00:03:57,334 --> 00:04:00,067
Well, the flippers
and a breakaway bra.
46
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,234
You know, you should be
nice to me.
47
00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:06,334
If I hadn't told
the guard that you
were with us,
48
00:04:06,334 --> 00:04:08,501
you'd be riding
a unicycle and
clapping for fish
49
00:04:08,501 --> 00:04:09,501
right about now.
50
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,200
[DOORBELL
RINGS]
51
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,834
Oh, my God,
I'll bet that's Marcie.
52
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:16,934
I was supposed to be out
looking for a job today.
53
00:04:16,934 --> 00:04:21,200
If she smells fun on me,
I'm a dead man.
54
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,200
Stall her.
55
00:04:24,701 --> 00:04:27,033
Pretty pathetic, huh?
56
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:30,701
You know, I don't think Steve
has what it takes not to work.
57
00:04:30,701 --> 00:04:32,634
He almost seems ashamed of it.
58
00:04:32,634 --> 00:04:33,734
I'll tell you what:
59
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:36,434
If I ever get like that,
shoot me.
60
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:39,000
Uh, in case I'm not here
when that happens,
61
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,367
can I just wing you now?
62
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:43,834
Oh, hi, Marcie.
63
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:47,434
I went to the zoo today
with the kids,
and nobody else.
64
00:04:47,434 --> 00:04:48,834
How was your day?
65
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,000
Superb.
66
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,234
Since I got demoted
to drive-up teller,
67
00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:56,000
everything is just
so much more exciting.
68
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,567
It's a people job.
69
00:04:57,567 --> 00:05:00,067
They drive up
to my window,
70
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,300
order a cheeseburger...
spit at me
71
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,200
and drive away.
72
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,400
But they're not all
like that.
73
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,267
Some of them actually try
to pull my hand
74
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,300
through the chute
75
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:12,334
before they spit at me
and drive away.
76
00:05:12,334 --> 00:05:16,534
So, between that and the cheery
"Hurry up, you stupid moo-cow,"
77
00:05:16,534 --> 00:05:20,901
the 50-hour workweek
just seems to zoom by.
78
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:22,901
Don't let them
bother you, Marcie.
79
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:27,400
Ignore them, chew your cud
and hold your horns up high.
80
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,501
Boy, what a day.
81
00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:38,667
Oh, Marcie...
82
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:40,834
I didn't expect to see
you here.
83
00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:44,033
Oh, damn.
84
00:05:44,033 --> 00:05:46,567
I wish I could've
been home in time
to cook you dinner.
85
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:48,701
Ah, I'm such
a failure.
86
00:05:48,701 --> 00:05:51,234
Oh. No, honey,
it's ok.
87
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,167
Did you find anything
today, angel heart?
88
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,334
Oh, no.
89
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:57,834
Not from lack of trying.
90
00:05:57,834 --> 00:05:59,334
I've heard it all:
91
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:02,234
Too old, too young,
too handsome.
92
00:06:02,234 --> 00:06:04,200
Put your
feet up, folks.
93
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,767
Getting pretty
deep in here.
94
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:08,200
Shh!
95
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,334
Oh, well,
you come on home,
Steve.
96
00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:12,801
I'll rub your feet
for you.
97
00:06:12,801 --> 00:06:14,734
They must be tired
from walking all day.
98
00:06:14,734 --> 00:06:16,367
Oh, but dear,
you work so hard.
99
00:06:16,367 --> 00:06:18,100
But...okay.
100
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,400
Hey, Mr. Rhoades,
before you go,
101
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,133
I have a zoo question for you.
102
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,100
When you were riding
the little train
103
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,434
around Bear Land today,
104
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:28,133
were there any
real-live teddy bears,
105
00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:29,334
like Bud said?
106
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:32,434
Or do they live someplace else,
like I think?
107
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:40,267
Uh, Marcie, I can't go on
keeping secrets from you.
108
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,334
I was at the zoo today
109
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,834
and I really didn't
look for anything.
110
00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:45,000
Well, good, Steve.
111
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,300
Tonight when we're
in bed together,
112
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:49,467
don't look for anything
there, either.
113
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:54,734
Well, then I guess
you won't take
this well, either.
114
00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:56,801
I've been thinking.
115
00:06:57,934 --> 00:07:00,000
I don't really
want to work.
116
00:07:01,334 --> 00:07:02,667
It's boring.
117
00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:04,834
I'm having fun not working.
Peggy says--
118
00:07:04,834 --> 00:07:08,434
Well, Marcie says,
you're working, leech-man.
119
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:13,100
Now...on the slim
chance
120
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,667
you weren't going to do
squat today,
121
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:16,334
which you didn't,
122
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:17,501
I called
your former boss
123
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:20,067
on my lunch
six minutes...
124
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,801
and he agreed
to see you.
125
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,901
So, if you could put on
a clean suit,
126
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,634
brush those teeth,
127
00:07:25,634 --> 00:07:29,601
and put on
some cologne to cover up
that wombat smell...
128
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,801
he'll see you
tomorrow afternoon.
129
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:33,634
I will meet you there
130
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:35,634
to make sure you say,
"I'll take it,"
131
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:38,067
to any menial job
that's tossed your way.
132
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:41,033
Well, I'm afraid tomorrow
doesn't work for me.
133
00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:43,801
I told Peggy and the kids
I'd take them to the aquarium.
134
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,968
Well, dear...
I'm afraid
135
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,133
you'll be rather
uncomfortable
at the aquarium
136
00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:50,267
with my foot lodged
137
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:52,033
where mommy used to put
the thermometer.
138
00:07:54,634 --> 00:07:56,300
You know, Peg,
139
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:58,033
seeing Marcie take charge
like that
140
00:07:58,033 --> 00:07:59,734
reminds me of what
a real man should be.
141
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:01,501
So, I'm putting
my foot down.
142
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,501
Tomorrow, when I come home,
I want my slippers,
143
00:08:03,501 --> 00:08:05,634
I want my paper,
before Buck.
144
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:09,501
I want my dinner,
again, before Buck.
145
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:11,067
I am the Marcie
of this house.
146
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,901
I have spoken.
147
00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:15,567
So it is written.
So it shall be done.
148
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,000
"Place cheese critters in water,
149
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,100
"and watch them grow.
150
00:08:25,601 --> 00:08:28,100
Keep out of reach of children."
151
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:38,167
Oh, hi, honey.
152
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:39,734
You should've been
with us today.
153
00:08:39,734 --> 00:08:41,634
We had
a great time.
154
00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:43,400
Yeah, we fed a shark
a hamburger,
155
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,300
and then they gave
a French fry to this guppy,
156
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:46,868
and he exploded.
157
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,367
And Dad,
they had those
great hot dogs
158
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:50,501
that you like so much.
159
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,067
Mom put one
on each side of her mouth
160
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:53,634
and pretended
like she was a walrus.
161
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:59,033
Does anyone care
that I haven't eaten in days?
162
00:08:59,033 --> 00:09:00,534
I haven't really
thought about it.
163
00:09:00,534 --> 00:09:02,300
Not too much.
Not really, no.
164
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:04,834
You look a little down,
Steve.
165
00:09:04,834 --> 00:09:05,968
What's wrong?
166
00:09:05,968 --> 00:09:08,968
The choo-choo
through Toyland
shut down?
167
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:11,434
Worse than that, Al.
168
00:09:11,434 --> 00:09:12,834
It's Bosco.
169
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,567
You have some Bosco?
170
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:18,334
Well, let me spit
in a glass, and we'll
mix it up.
171
00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:21,000
No. I mean, Bosco,
the rare Caribbean
172
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,000
pygmy sea turtle
at the aquarium.
173
00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:27,667
He looked
really despondent today.
174
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:30,667
Was he selling shoes
to the other turtles?
175
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:34,000
No.
176
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,968
They have him
in an itty-bitty tank.
177
00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:37,734
He must weigh
200 pounds.
178
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:39,133
He's as out of place
in that tank
179
00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:40,868
as you would be
in a library.
180
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:44,367
Like a trouper,
he kept his beak up.
181
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:45,968
But I could tell...
182
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:49,033
he was just a shell
of a turtle.
183
00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:50,834
You should've
seen them, Al.
184
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:53,901
Both of their
little noses pressed up
against the glass.
185
00:09:53,901 --> 00:09:56,300
You could barely
tell them apart.
186
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:59,534
No, the turtle
is the one
with the job.
187
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:04,200
Oh, that's right!
188
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,767
I was supposed to
meet Marcie
189
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:06,767
at my old
bank today.
190
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:07,968
Ugh!
191
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:10,667
Oh, man. Mrs. Rhoades
is gonna gut you
192
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,133
like a fish.
193
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:15,300
Hey, hey, hey.
I can handle
Mrs. Rhoades.
194
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,901
I'll just give her
what she's been
begging for all week:
195
00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:21,000
my famous
chocolate souffl.
196
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,133
Yeah, it takes
a good two hours,
197
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,434
but a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
198
00:10:29,434 --> 00:10:31,167
A drug-crazed gunman
199
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:33,133
attempted to rob
the Leading Bank of Chicago
200
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,434
this afternoon.
201
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:37,167
His attempt was foiled
by a feisty local woman,
202
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:38,501
Marcie Rhoades,
203
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:40,434
whom he tried to seize
as a hostage.
204
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:43,467
But he picked
the wrong woman,
didn't he, Mrs. Rhoades?
205
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:48,067
Is that gunshot wound
through your hand
bothering you?
206
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,501
Not really, Waldo.
207
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:54,901
What's bothering me is,
my husband is a screwup.
208
00:10:58,267 --> 00:11:01,968
You went to
the zoo again today,
didn't you, Steve?
209
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:07,834
That souffl better be
damn fluffy.
210
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,901
Exactly how did
you apprehend
the criminal?
211
00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:20,100
Well...when the robber
jammed his gun in my stomach,
212
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,534
I did what I felt
I had to do.
213
00:11:22,534 --> 00:11:24,834
I threw up on the floor.
214
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:29,267
As he slipped on it,
he knocked himself out.
215
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:31,868
But the gun went off
and shot me through the hand,
216
00:11:31,868 --> 00:11:33,868
horribly wounding me.
217
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:37,367
But enough about me.
How was your day, Steve?!
218
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,934
Well...guess
I'll go home,
219
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:45,033
get my stuff
and head for the Y.
220
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:47,601
Listen, if she comes over here,
you haven't seen me.
221
00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:50,067
Uh...tell her I'm out
looking for a job.
222
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,434
She'll buy it.
223
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:53,934
After all, she's probably
loaded full of painkillers.
224
00:11:53,934 --> 00:11:55,567
Tee-hee.
Oh, hi!
225
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,133
Hi, Marcie.
226
00:11:58,133 --> 00:12:00,400
I was just out, uh,
looking for a job.
227
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,534
So, what's up?
228
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:04,334
See this hand,
Steve?
229
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:05,334
Yeah.
230
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:06,467
See this one?
231
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:16,167
Gee,
this, kind of,
puts the kibosh
232
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:17,667
on the sailboat
trip tomorrow,
233
00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:19,067
doesn't it?
234
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:30,067
Thanks for bringing
me here, Al.
235
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:33,100
I'm sorry you had to
see me like that.
236
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:37,534
I usually pride myself
on being a lady at all times.
237
00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:39,267
Hey, lard butt!
238
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:43,267
A couple of brewskis
over here.
239
00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:46,501
Hey, guys!
A toast.
240
00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:47,868
To the working man.
241
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,767
The last American
hero.
242
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:50,767
Right, guys?
243
00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:52,000
ALL:
Right.
244
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,667
We work to make
a living,
245
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,701
and what
do we get?
246
00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:57,367
ALL:
Squat.
247
00:12:57,367 --> 00:12:58,901
And what else?
248
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:00,501
ALL:
Nothing.
249
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:01,901
Why do we
go on?
250
00:13:01,901 --> 00:13:04,467
ALL:
We're stupid.
251
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,300
A toast to the stupid
working man.
252
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,100
ALL:
To us.
253
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:13,567
Do you know what really
frosts my weenie?
254
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,100
After you marry them,
255
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,100
they don't care
how they look.
256
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,634
Don't even shave,
right, guys?
257
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,634
Right.
Yeah,
sure.
258
00:13:25,634 --> 00:13:27,300
Well, I can't complain.
259
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:30,534
At least, I live with one
who has a job, makes me dinner
260
00:13:30,534 --> 00:13:33,334
and doesn't mind rubbing my feet
after a hard day.
261
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:36,167
Yeah, but your mom's
getting kind of old.
262
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:41,133
Besides, moms aren't
really women.
263
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:43,133
I'm talking about
the things you marry.
264
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,501
I mean,
when you come--
265
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,634
I mean, when you come
crawling home after
a hard day,
266
00:13:48,634 --> 00:13:49,634
what do they want?
267
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:51,133
ALL:
Loving.
268
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,434
They don't understand
it's just more work
for us.
269
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:56,701
I mean...the last thing
a guy wants to look at
270
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:58,267
at the end of a day
is a woman.
271
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:00,434
Hey, look at
that one.
272
00:14:00,434 --> 00:14:02,400
ALL:
Ooh!
273
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,667
Hey, Al,
274
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,901
you know what else
ticks me off?
275
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:07,834
It's the way
they change.
276
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:09,634
I mean, when
I first married Steve,
277
00:14:09,634 --> 00:14:12,901
he was a greedy,
materialistic pig.
278
00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:16,300
He'd step on
an old lady
for a dollar.
279
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,667
[LAUGHS]
God, how he excited me.
280
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,968
Now, he's just
another man,
281
00:14:21,968 --> 00:14:25,200
with sea horses
on his boxer shorts.
282
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,567
Oh, Al...what if Steve
never works again?
283
00:14:30,033 --> 00:14:31,400
Lock yourself
in the bathroom
284
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,634
and don't have kids.
285
00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:36,067
Hey, guys.
Kids!
286
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:38,334
ALL:
Boo.
287
00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:40,567
Case in point:
288
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:43,067
See that old man
in the corner there?
289
00:14:48,634 --> 00:14:50,467
Neil Cockran.
Eight kids.
290
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:52,534
He's 30 years old.
291
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,601
Steve and I talked
about having children.
292
00:14:59,601 --> 00:15:02,100
God, can you imagine
that life?
293
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,100
You, the only
working parent,
294
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,200
a couple of kids
chained to your wallet.
295
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,434
Ugh!
296
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:10,067
I'd rather have a knife
plunged in my throat.
297
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:16,934
Sorry.
298
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:20,200
Oh. I guess what's really
bothering me here
299
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,601
about Steve is that,
not only are we not talking,
300
00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:25,467
but this is the first time
in our relationship
301
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,267
I've kept secrets
from him.
302
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:29,534
I mean, I'm keeping
something from him
right now,
303
00:15:29,534 --> 00:15:32,634
even though I know
it's wrong.
304
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:35,968
Oh, Al. Maybe you can
help me handle this.
305
00:15:41,701 --> 00:15:43,701
Wait a minute here,
Marce.
306
00:15:43,701 --> 00:15:47,467
I know you look at me
and just see hunk, but--
307
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:52,968
You're not the first
who tried to bag the big one.
308
00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:54,334
But, uh...
309
00:15:57,667 --> 00:16:00,033
It can never be.
I belong to another.
310
00:16:00,033 --> 00:16:03,367
And, more importantly,
I find you physically
repulsive.
311
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:10,100
I don't want you,
you shaved ape.
312
00:16:11,501 --> 00:16:14,234
Hey, no need to
get personal,
chicken legs.
313
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,934
Anyhow...
314
00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:20,367
you remember when I...
315
00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:22,701
sort of caught
that bank robber?
316
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:25,534
Well, what I didn't
tell Steve is that they...
317
00:16:25,534 --> 00:16:28,267
sort of gave me
a little reward.
318
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:29,968
How much?
319
00:16:29,968 --> 00:16:32,601
Twenty five thousand
dollars.
320
00:16:35,801 --> 00:16:37,968
Hey, barkeep.
321
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:41,968
A whiskey for the lady
and a deck of cards for me.
322
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:47,767
Boy, it's really scary
being unconscious.
323
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:50,067
The things you imagine.
324
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:54,667
I thought two little
leprechauns and
a redheaded giant
325
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:56,167
were going through
my pockets.
326
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:08,467
Then a woman
with a mustache gave me
a big French kiss.
327
00:17:09,434 --> 00:17:10,767
That was Buck.
328
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:12,968
He thought your tongue
was his chew rag.
329
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:23,334
Well...I can't go
through life getting
knocked out.
330
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,467
I guess there's no way
around it.
331
00:17:25,467 --> 00:17:27,167
Marcie wants me
to get a job,
332
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:28,901
I guess I have to
get a job.
333
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:31,200
Oh, forget about
Marcie for a minute.
334
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,601
What do you want to do?
335
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:34,934
I want to be
a cowboy.
336
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:40,267
Well...let's just say
that all the cowboy jobs
337
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,634
were taken by men.
338
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:42,767
[LAUGHS]
339
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:46,267
What's your second
choice?
340
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,868
Well...
341
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,934
I was hoping to do
something special,
342
00:17:51,934 --> 00:17:54,367
something that's been
on my mind all day.
343
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,434
But I don't have
the nerve.
344
00:17:56,434 --> 00:18:00,300
I know you look at me
and just see man candy.
345
00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:07,300
But it can never be.
346
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:09,501
First, I belong
to another.
347
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:12,367
And, second,
ha, ha, ha...
348
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,367
you couldn't
handle the ride.
349
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:30,300
I can't even
handle the thought.
350
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:36,701
Ah, forget it.
Who cares what I want?
351
00:18:36,701 --> 00:18:38,734
Well, I care,
Steve.
352
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:42,501
Look, tomorrow
you gotta go out and
get some stinking job
353
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:44,868
you'll be saddled with,
just to please Marcie.
354
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,033
You really
don't want me?
355
00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:50,567
Oh, well.
356
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:53,133
Anyway, before you do,
you owe it to yourself
357
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,033
to do something
that pleases you.
358
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,634
Peggy...you're right.
359
00:18:58,634 --> 00:19:00,067
And I'm gonna
do it.
360
00:19:01,534 --> 00:19:02,534
Wish me luck.
361
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:03,901
Good luck.
362
00:19:05,968 --> 00:19:07,167
[SIGHS]
363
00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,701
He wants me.
364
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:16,300
Last call.
365
00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:27,968
Come on, Marcie.
It's a normal bar bet.
366
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:30,601
Twenty five thousand
dollars to the one
who can hit the bowl
367
00:19:30,601 --> 00:19:33,267
from farthest away.
368
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:35,133
Shall we?
369
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,033
I got 5 bucks
on the broad.
370
00:19:39,801 --> 00:19:42,000
I don't know.
371
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,767
Maybe the smell
of this check will
wake Steve up again.
372
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,701
Maybe it will remind him
of the good old days,
373
00:19:48,701 --> 00:19:50,734
when we used to drive
to the poor side of town,
374
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:52,567
and pull up
next to some old guy,
375
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,567
and ask him
for change of 1000.
376
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,534
[LAUGHS]
377
00:19:56,534 --> 00:20:00,067
Oh, the times we had.
378
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,834
I don't know.
379
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:05,133
Maybe I've been
too hard on him.
380
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:08,234
I'm gonna tell Steve
about the money.
381
00:20:08,234 --> 00:20:10,000
Hey,
look at this.
382
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,033
And to close,
383
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:16,334
we have a story
about a true moron.
384
00:20:16,334 --> 00:20:18,968
Tonight,
an unemployed househusband
385
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,968
and self-described
man of nature,
386
00:20:20,968 --> 00:20:23,667
thinking that the last
Caribbean pygmy turtle
387
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,534
born in captivity
was unhappy,
388
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:28,501
broke into the zoo aquarium,
stole the turtle
389
00:20:28,501 --> 00:20:30,834
and released it
into Lake Michigan.
390
00:20:39,234 --> 00:20:41,901
Apparently,
this man of nature
391
00:20:41,901 --> 00:20:45,234
didn't know it was
a saltwater turtle.
392
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:48,334
Witnesses report
Bosco tried valiantly
393
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,033
to crawl back
out of the water,
394
00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:54,801
only to be thrown back in
by this deranged,
unemployed man,
395
00:20:54,801 --> 00:20:58,634
standing on the bank,
singing "Born Free."
396
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,334
Bosco will be missed.
397
00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:14,167
Bail has been set
at $25,000.
398
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:16,601
Not nearly enough
in this reporter's opinion.
399
00:21:18,968 --> 00:21:21,133
Ahh, well.
400
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:24,067
I guess I know
what I have to do.
401
00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:25,834
You gonna go
bail him out?
402
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:28,133
Let him rot.
403
00:21:28,133 --> 00:21:31,100
I'm gonna buy myself
a new Jag.
404
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:41,501
Hey, Bundy.
You ready to
settle up your tab?
405
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:42,501
Yep, I'm ready.
406
00:21:48,934 --> 00:21:51,467
* Born free *
407
00:21:51,467 --> 00:21:53,467
* Free as the grass grows *
408
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:57,634
* Free as the wind blows *
409
00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:06,934
[***]1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:05,934
[***]
2
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:21,065
I work in a shoe store,
3
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:23,767
and still I'm not happy
to come home.
4
00:01:26,901 --> 00:01:29,767
Mr. Bundy, wanna buy
some chipmunk cookies?
5
00:01:29,802 --> 00:01:31,400
No. Go away.
6
00:01:33,434 --> 00:01:36,201
You can't tell me
you're not hungry.
7
00:01:36,236 --> 00:01:38,968
My daddy says you eat
bugs and dirt.
8
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,000
Well, you go home
and tell your daddy,
9
00:01:44,035 --> 00:01:46,567
you have
the mailman's eyes.
10
00:01:48,868 --> 00:01:51,051
It's food.
11
00:01:51,086 --> 00:01:53,199
All right.
12
00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:55,634
Gimme a box
of these macaroons.
13
00:01:55,669 --> 00:01:58,801
Cash only... deadbeat.
14
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,067
I don't have any cash.
Give me some credit.
15
00:02:03,102 --> 00:02:04,267
Eat a bug.
16
00:02:05,534 --> 00:02:07,367
Wet a bed.
17
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,534
Ah, jeez.
18
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:20,534
"Dear Al...
19
00:02:21,701 --> 00:02:24,067
"you always complain
there's no dinner.
20
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:26,434
Surprise. I left it
on the table for you. "
21
00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:36,634
You ate my dinner, you
bag of fleas and ticks.
22
00:02:36,669 --> 00:02:37,901
I'm starving.
23
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:51,632
Hi, honey.
24
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:54,000
Oh, Al, we had
such a great day.
25
00:02:54,035 --> 00:02:56,299
Steve took us all
to the zoo.
26
00:02:56,334 --> 00:02:58,734
And Al, it was
the best time to go.
27
00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:00,265
No lines or anything.
28
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,098
Because, you know,
during the day,
29
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,701
all the idiots who have jobs can't go.
30
00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:07,300
[LAUGHING]
31
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,200
Dad, you'll never
guess what we saw
32
00:03:11,235 --> 00:03:12,899
at the zoo today,
with Uncle Steve.
33
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:17,067
A family of vultures
pecking the flesh of the daddy?
34
00:03:17,102 --> 00:03:20,067
No. A big gorilla,
big as you,
35
00:03:20,102 --> 00:03:22,632
scratching himself.
36
00:03:22,667 --> 00:03:26,467
Yeah, and he had one hand
where his pants would be.
37
00:03:26,502 --> 00:03:28,132
And in his other hand...
38
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,083
You know how you hold
your beer?
39
00:03:30,118 --> 00:03:32,000
Well, he was holding
something.
40
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:36,200
I think
it was doody.
41
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:43,434
Where were you
around 3:00 today?
42
00:03:44,868 --> 00:03:47,167
You know, my favorite part
was the penguin cage.
43
00:03:47,202 --> 00:03:48,666
It really makes you think.
44
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:51,701
There, but for
the flippers, go I.
45
00:03:57,334 --> 00:04:00,067
Well, the flippers
and a breakaway bra.
46
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,199
You know, you should be
nice to me.
47
00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:06,367
If I hadn't told the guard
that you were with us,
48
00:04:06,402 --> 00:04:08,501
you'd be riding a unicycle
and clapping for fish
49
00:04:08,536 --> 00:04:09,501
right about now.
50
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,165
[DOORBELL
RINGS]
51
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,799
Oh, my God,
I'll bet that's Marcie.
52
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:16,934
I was supposed to be out
looking for a job today.
53
00:04:16,969 --> 00:04:21,200
If she smells fun on me,
I'm a dead man.
54
00:04:21,235 --> 00:04:22,200
Stall her.
55
00:04:24,701 --> 00:04:26,998
Pretty pathetic, huh?
56
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:30,701
You know, I don't think Steve
has what it takes not to work.
57
00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:32,634
He almost seems ashamed of it.
58
00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:33,699
I'll tell you what:
59
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:36,399
If I ever get like that,
shoot me.
60
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:39,000
Uh, in case I'm not here
when that happens,
61
00:04:39,035 --> 00:04:40,367
can I just wing you now?
62
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:43,799
Oh, hi, Marcie.
63
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:47,434
I went to the zoo today with
the kids, and nobody else.
64
00:04:47,469 --> 00:04:48,834
How was your day?
65
00:04:48,869 --> 00:04:49,965
Superb.
66
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,000
Since I got demoted
to drive-up teller,
67
00:04:53,035 --> 00:04:56,000
everything is just
so much more exciting.
68
00:04:56,035 --> 00:04:57,532
It's a people job.
69
00:04:57,567 --> 00:05:00,032
They drive up
to my window,
70
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,300
order a cheeseburger...
spit at me
71
00:05:03,335 --> 00:05:05,165
and drive away.
72
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,365
But they're not all
like that.
73
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,267
Some of them actually try
to pull my hand
74
00:05:09,302 --> 00:05:10,265
through the chute
75
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:12,299
before they spit at me
and drive away.
76
00:05:12,334 --> 00:05:16,534
So, between that and the cheery
"Hurry up, you stupid moo-cow,"
77
00:05:16,569 --> 00:05:20,901
the 50-hour workweek
just seems to zoom by.
78
00:05:20,936 --> 00:05:22,866
Don't let them
bother you, Marcie.
79
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:27,400
Ignore them, chew your cud
and hold your horns up high.
80
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,383
Boy, what a day.
81
00:05:36,418 --> 00:05:38,632
Oh, Marcie...
82
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:40,834
I didn't expect to see
you here.
83
00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:43,998
Oh, damn.
84
00:05:44,033 --> 00:05:46,567
I wish I could've been home
in time to cook you dinner.
85
00:05:46,602 --> 00:05:48,918
Ah, I'm such
a failure.
86
00:05:48,953 --> 00:05:51,234
Oh. No, honey,
it's ok.
87
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,167
Did you find anything
today, angel heart?
88
00:05:54,202 --> 00:05:55,299
Oh, no.
89
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:57,834
Not from lack of trying.
90
00:05:57,869 --> 00:05:59,299
I've heard it all:
91
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:02,234
Too old, too young,
too handsome.
92
00:06:02,269 --> 00:06:04,018
Put your
feet up, folks.
93
00:06:04,053 --> 00:06:05,767
Getting pretty
deep in here.
94
00:06:05,802 --> 00:06:08,165
Shh!
95
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,334
Oh, well, you come on home, Steve.
96
00:06:11,369 --> 00:06:12,766
I'll rub your feet
for you.
97
00:06:12,801 --> 00:06:14,734
They must be tired
from walking all day.
98
00:06:14,769 --> 00:06:16,367
Oh, but dear,
you work so hard.
99
00:06:16,402 --> 00:06:18,100
But... okay.
100
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,150
Hey, Mr. Rhoades,
before you go,
101
00:06:21,185 --> 00:06:23,098
I have a zoo question for you.
102
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,100
When you were riding
the little train
103
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,399
around Bear Land today,
104
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:28,133
were there any
real-live teddy bears,
105
00:06:28,168 --> 00:06:29,299
like Bud said?
106
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:32,434
Or do they live someplace else,
like I think?
107
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:40,267
Uh, Marcie, I can't go on
keeping secrets from you.
108
00:06:40,302 --> 00:06:41,299
I was at the zoo today
109
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,834
and I really didn't
look for anything.
110
00:06:43,869 --> 00:06:44,965
Well, good, Steve.
111
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,233
Tonight when we're
in bed together,
112
00:06:47,268 --> 00:06:49,467
don't look for anything
there, either.
113
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:54,734
Well, then I guess you
won't take this well, either.
114
00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:56,801
I've been thinking.
115
00:06:57,934 --> 00:07:00,000
I don't really
want to work.
116
00:07:01,334 --> 00:07:02,632
It's boring.
117
00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:05,550
I'm having fun not working.
Peggy says...
118
00:07:05,585 --> 00:07:08,434
Well, Marcie says,
you're working, leech-man.
119
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:13,065
Now... on the slim
chance
120
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,667
you weren't going to do
squat today,
121
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,299
which you didn't,
122
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:18,200
I called
your former boss
123
00:07:18,235 --> 00:07:20,018
on my lunch
six minutes...
124
00:07:20,053 --> 00:07:21,766
and he agreed
to see you.
125
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,901
So, if you could put on
a clean suit,
126
00:07:23,936 --> 00:07:25,599
brush those teeth,
127
00:07:25,634 --> 00:07:29,601
and put on some cologne to
cover up that wombat smell...
128
00:07:29,636 --> 00:07:31,801
he'll see you
tomorrow afternoon.
129
00:07:31,836 --> 00:07:33,599
I will meet you there
130
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:35,850
to make sure you say,
"I'll take it,"
131
00:07:35,885 --> 00:07:38,032
to any menial job
that's tossed your way.
132
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,998
Well, I'm afraid tomorrow
doesn't work for me.
133
00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:43,801
I told Peggy and the kids
I'd take them to the aquarium.
134
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,933
Well, dear...
I'm afraid
135
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,133
you'll be rather
uncomfortable at the aquarium
136
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,232
with my foot lodged
137
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:52,033
where mommy used to put
the thermometer.
138
00:07:54,634 --> 00:07:56,265
You know, Peg,
139
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,998
seeing Marcie take charge
like that
140
00:07:58,033 --> 00:07:59,734
reminds me of what
a real man should be.
141
00:07:59,769 --> 00:08:01,466
So, I'm putting
my foot down.
142
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,501
Tomorrow, when I come home,
I want my slippers,
143
00:08:03,536 --> 00:08:05,599
I want my paper,
before Buck.
144
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:09,501
I want my dinner,
again, before Buck.
145
00:08:09,536 --> 00:08:11,067
I am the Marcie
of this house.
146
00:08:11,102 --> 00:08:12,866
I have spoken.
147
00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:15,567
So it is written.
So it shall be done.
148
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,000
"Place cheese critters in water,
149
00:08:21,035 --> 00:08:22,100
"and watch them grow.
150
00:08:25,601 --> 00:08:28,100
Keep out of reach of children. "
151
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:38,132
Oh, hi, honey.
152
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:39,734
You should've been
with us today.
153
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,599
We had
a great time.
154
00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:43,365
Yeah, we fed a shark
a hamburger,
155
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,300
and then they gave
a French fry to this guppy,
156
00:08:45,335 --> 00:08:46,833
and he exploded.
157
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,367
And Dad, they had those great hot dogs
158
00:08:49,402 --> 00:08:50,466
that you like so much.
159
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,067
Mom put one
on each side of her mouth
160
00:08:52,102 --> 00:08:53,634
and pretended
like she was a walrus.
161
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:59,033
Does anyone care
that I haven't eaten in days?
162
00:08:59,068 --> 00:09:00,534
I haven't really
thought about it.
163
00:09:00,569 --> 00:09:02,701
Not too much.
Not really, no.
164
00:09:02,736 --> 00:09:04,834
You look a little down,
Steve.
165
00:09:04,869 --> 00:09:05,933
What's wrong?
166
00:09:05,968 --> 00:09:08,968
The choo-choo through
Toyland shut down?
167
00:09:09,003 --> 00:09:11,434
Worse than that, Al.
168
00:09:11,469 --> 00:09:12,799
It's Bosco.
169
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,532
You have some Bosco?
170
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:18,334
Well, let me spit in a
glass, and we'll mix it up.
171
00:09:18,369 --> 00:09:20,684
No. I mean, Bosco,
the rare Caribbean
172
00:09:20,719 --> 00:09:23,000
pygmy sea turtle
at the aquarium.
173
00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:27,632
He looked
really despondent today.
174
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:30,667
Was he selling shoes
to the other turtles?
175
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:33,965
No.
176
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,968
They have him
in an itty-bitty tank.
177
00:09:36,003 --> 00:09:37,699
He must weigh
200 pounds.
178
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:39,301
He's as out of place
in that tank
179
00:09:39,336 --> 00:09:40,868
as you would be
in a library.
180
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:44,367
Like a trouper,
he kept his beak up.
181
00:09:44,402 --> 00:09:45,933
But I could tell...
182
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:48,401
he was just a shell
of a turtle.
183
00:09:48,436 --> 00:09:50,799
You should've
seen them, Al.
184
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:53,901
Both of their little noses
pressed up against the glass.
185
00:09:53,936 --> 00:09:56,265
You could barely
tell them apart.
186
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:59,534
No, the turtle is the one with the job.
187
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:04,165
Oh, that's right!
188
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,767
I was supposed to
meet Marcie
189
00:10:05,802 --> 00:10:06,767
at my old
bank today.
190
00:10:06,802 --> 00:10:07,933
Ugh!
191
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:10,667
Oh, man. Mrs. Rhoades
is gonna gut you
192
00:10:10,702 --> 00:10:12,098
like a fish.
193
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:15,265
Hey, hey, hey. I can
handle Mrs. Rhoades.
194
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,901
I'll just give her what she's
been begging for all week:
195
00:10:17,936 --> 00:10:21,000
my famous
chocolate souffl.
196
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,098
Yeah, it takes
a good two hours,
197
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,434
but a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
198
00:10:29,434 --> 00:10:31,132
A drug-crazed gunman
199
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:33,133
attempted to rob
the Leading Bank of Chicago
200
00:10:33,168 --> 00:10:34,399
this afternoon.
201
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:37,167
His attempt was foiled
by a feisty local woman,
202
00:10:37,202 --> 00:10:38,466
Marcie Rhoades,
203
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:40,399
whom he tried to seize
as a hostage.
204
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:43,467
But he picked the wrong
woman, didn't he, Mrs. Rhoades?
205
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:48,067
Is that gunshot wound through
your hand bothering you?
206
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,466
Not really, Waldo.
207
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:54,901
What's bothering me is,
my husband is a screwup.
208
00:10:58,267 --> 00:11:01,968
You went to the zoo again
today, didn't you, Steve?
209
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:07,834
That souffl better be
damn fluffy.
210
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,866
Exactly how did you
apprehend the criminal?
211
00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:20,100
Well... when the robber
jammed his gun in my stomach,
212
00:11:20,135 --> 00:11:22,534
I did what I felt
I had to do.
213
00:11:22,569 --> 00:11:24,799
I threw up on the floor.
214
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:29,232
As he slipped on it,
he knocked himself out.
215
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:31,868
But the gun went off
and shot me through the hand,
216
00:11:31,903 --> 00:11:33,833
horribly wounding me.
217
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:37,367
But enough about me.
How was your day, Steve?!
218
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,899
Well... guess
I'll go home,
219
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:44,998
get my stuff
and head for the Y.
220
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:47,601
Listen, if she comes over here,
you haven't seen me.
221
00:11:47,636 --> 00:11:50,067
Uh... tell her I'm out
looking for a job.
222
00:11:50,102 --> 00:11:51,399
She'll buy it.
223
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:53,934
After all, she's probably
loaded full of painkillers.
224
00:11:53,969 --> 00:11:55,567
Tee-hee.
Oh, hi!
225
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,098
Hi, Marcie.
226
00:11:58,133 --> 00:12:00,400
I was just out, uh,
looking for a job.
227
00:12:00,435 --> 00:12:02,499
So, what's up?
228
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:04,334
See this hand,
Steve?
229
00:12:04,369 --> 00:12:05,299
Yeah.
230
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:06,467
See this one?
231
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,117
Gee, this, kind of, puts the kibosh
232
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:17,667
on the sailboat
trip tomorrow,
233
00:12:17,702 --> 00:12:19,067
doesn't it?
234
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:30,032
Thanks for bringing
me here, Al.
235
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:33,065
I'm sorry you had to
see me like that.
236
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:37,534
I usually pride myself
on being a lady at all times.
237
00:12:37,569 --> 00:12:39,267
Hey, lard butt!
238
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:43,267
A couple of brewskis
over here.
239
00:12:43,302 --> 00:12:45,585
Hey, guys!
A toast.
240
00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:47,833
To the working man.
241
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,767
The last American
hero.
242
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:50,901
Right, guys?
243
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:51,965
ALL:
Right.
244
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,667
We work to make
a living,
245
00:12:53,702 --> 00:12:54,701
and what
do we get?
246
00:12:54,736 --> 00:12:56,818
ALL:
Squat.
247
00:12:56,853 --> 00:12:58,677
And what else?
248
00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:00,306
ALL:
Nothing.
249
00:13:00,341 --> 00:13:02,404
Why do we
go on?
250
00:13:02,439 --> 00:13:04,432
ALL:
We're stupid.
251
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,300
A toast to the stupid
working man.
252
00:13:07,335 --> 00:13:09,100
ALL:
To us.
253
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:13,567
Do you know what really
frosts my weenie?
254
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,065
After you marry them,
255
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,367
they don't care
how they look.
256
00:13:20,402 --> 00:13:22,634
Don't even shave,
right, guys?
257
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,634
Right. Yeah, sure.
258
00:13:25,634 --> 00:13:27,265
Well, I can't complain.
259
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:30,534
At least, I live with one
who has a job, makes me dinner
260
00:13:30,569 --> 00:13:33,334
and doesn't mind rubbing my feet
after a hard day.
261
00:13:33,369 --> 00:13:36,167
Yeah, but your mom's
getting kind of old.
262
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:41,098
Besides, moms aren't
really women.
263
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:43,133
I'm talking about
the things you marry.
264
00:13:43,168 --> 00:13:44,501
I mean,
when you come...
265
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,634
I mean, when you come
crawling home after a hard day,
266
00:13:48,669 --> 00:13:49,634
what do they want?
267
00:13:49,669 --> 00:13:51,098
ALL:
Loving.
268
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,917
They don't understand
it's just more work for us.
269
00:13:53,952 --> 00:13:56,701
I mean... the last thing
a guy wants to look at
270
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:58,267
at the end of a day
is a woman.
271
00:13:58,302 --> 00:14:00,434
Hey, look at
that one.
272
00:14:00,469 --> 00:14:02,068
ALL:
Ooh!
273
00:14:02,103 --> 00:14:03,632
Hey, Al,
274
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,901
you know what else
ticks me off?
275
00:14:05,936 --> 00:14:07,799
It's the way
they change.
276
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:10,367
I mean, when
I first married Steve,
277
00:14:10,402 --> 00:14:13,351
he was a greedy,
materialistic pig.
278
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:16,300
He'd step on an old lady for a dollar.
279
00:14:16,335 --> 00:14:18,667
[LAUGHS]
God, how he excited me.
280
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,933
Now, he's just
another man,
281
00:14:21,968 --> 00:14:25,165
with sea horses
on his boxer shorts.
282
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,567
Oh, Al... what if Steve
never works again?
283
00:14:30,033 --> 00:14:31,400
Lock yourself
in the bathroom
284
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:32,634
and don't have kids.
285
00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:36,067
Hey, guys.
Kids!
286
00:14:36,102 --> 00:14:38,334
ALL:
Boo.
287
00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:40,532
Case in point:
288
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:43,067
See that old man
in the corner there?
289
00:14:48,634 --> 00:14:50,467
Neil Cockran.
Eight kids.
290
00:14:50,502 --> 00:14:52,534
He's 30 years old.
291
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,601
Steve and I talked
about having children.
292
00:14:59,636 --> 00:15:01,868
God, can you imagine
that life?
293
00:15:01,903 --> 00:15:04,065
You, the only
working parent,
294
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,200
a couple of kids
chained to your wallet.
295
00:15:06,235 --> 00:15:07,399
Ugh!
296
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:10,067
I'd rather have a knife
plunged in my throat.
297
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:16,899
Sorry.
298
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:20,165
Oh. I guess what's really
bothering me here
299
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,833
about Steve is that,
not only are we not talking,
300
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:25,467
but this is the first time
in our relationship
301
00:15:25,502 --> 00:15:27,232
I've kept secrets
from him.
302
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:29,534
I mean, I'm keeping
something from him right now,
303
00:15:29,569 --> 00:15:32,599
even though I know
it's wrong.
304
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:35,968
Oh, Al. Maybe you can
help me handle this.
305
00:15:41,701 --> 00:15:43,666
Wait a minute here,
Marce.
306
00:15:43,701 --> 00:15:47,467
I know you look at me
and just see hunk, but...
307
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:52,968
You're not the first
who tried to bag the big one.
308
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:54,334
But, uh...
309
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,998
It can never be.
I belong to another.
310
00:16:00,033 --> 00:16:03,367
And, more importantly, I
find you physically repulsive.
311
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:10,100
I don't want you,
you shaved ape.
312
00:16:11,501 --> 00:16:14,234
Hey, no need to get
personal, chicken legs.
313
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,899
Anyhow...
314
00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:20,332
you remember when I...
315
00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:22,666
sort of caught
that bank robber?
316
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:25,534
Well, what I didn't
tell Steve is that they...
317
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:28,267
sort of gave me
a little reward.
318
00:16:28,302 --> 00:16:29,933
How much?
319
00:16:29,968 --> 00:16:32,601
Twenty five thousand
dollars.
320
00:16:35,801 --> 00:16:37,933
Hey, barkeep.
321
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:41,968
A whiskey for the lady
and a deck of cards for me.
322
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:47,767
Boy, it's really scary
being unconscious.
323
00:16:47,802 --> 00:16:50,032
The things you imagine.
324
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:54,667
I thought two little
leprechauns and a redheaded giant
325
00:16:54,702 --> 00:16:56,167
were going through
my pockets.
326
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:08,467
Then a woman with a mustache
gave me a big French kiss.
327
00:17:09,434 --> 00:17:10,732
That was Buck.
328
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:12,968
He thought your tongue
was his chew rag.
329
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:23,334
Well... I can't go through
life getting knocked out.
330
00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:25,268
I guess there's no way
around it.
331
00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:27,102
Marcie wants me
to get a job,
332
00:17:27,137 --> 00:17:28,866
I guess I have to
get a job.
333
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:31,200
Oh, forget about
Marcie for a minute.
334
00:17:31,235 --> 00:17:32,601
What do you want to do?
335
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:34,934
I want to be
a cowboy.
336
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:40,267
Well... let's just say
that all the cowboy jobs
337
00:17:40,302 --> 00:17:41,634
were taken by men.
338
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:42,767
[LAUGHS]
339
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:46,267
What's your second
choice?
340
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,833
Well...
341
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,617
I was hoping to do
something special,
342
00:17:51,652 --> 00:17:54,367
something that's been
on my mind all day.
343
00:17:54,402 --> 00:17:56,399
But I don't have
the nerve.
344
00:17:56,434 --> 00:18:00,300
I know you look at me
and just see man candy.
345
00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:07,265
But it can never be.
346
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:09,833
First, I belong
to another.
347
00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:12,367
And, second,
ha, ha, ha...
348
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,367
you couldn't
handle the ride.
349
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:30,300
I can't even
handle the thought.
350
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:36,701
Ah, forget it.
Who cares what I want?
351
00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:38,699
Well, I care,
Steve.
352
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:42,501
Look, tomorrow you gotta go
out and get some stinking job
353
00:18:42,536 --> 00:18:44,868
you'll be saddled with,
just to please Marcie.
354
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,033
You really
don't want me?
355
00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:50,532
Oh, well.
356
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:53,133
Anyway, before you do,
you owe it to yourself
357
00:18:53,168 --> 00:18:55,033
to do something
that pleases you.
358
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,183
Peggy... you're right.
359
00:18:58,218 --> 00:19:00,067
And I'm gonna
do it.
360
00:19:01,534 --> 00:19:02,717
Wish me luck.
361
00:19:02,752 --> 00:19:03,901
Good luck.
362
00:19:05,968 --> 00:19:07,132
[SIGHS]
363
00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,701
He wants me.
364
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:16,300
Last call.
365
00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:27,933
Come on, Marcie.
It's a normal bar bet.
366
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:30,601
Twenty five thousand dollars
to the one who can hit the bowl
367
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:33,267
from farthest away.
368
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,098
Shall we?
369
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,033
I got 5 bucks
on the broad.
370
00:19:39,801 --> 00:19:41,965
I don't know.
371
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,767
Maybe the smell of this check
will wake Steve up again.
372
00:19:45,802 --> 00:19:48,268
Maybe it will remind him
of the good old days,
373
00:19:48,303 --> 00:19:50,734
when we used to drive
to the poor side of town,
374
00:19:50,769 --> 00:19:52,668
and pull up
next to some old guy,
375
00:19:52,703 --> 00:19:54,567
and ask him
for change of 1000.
376
00:19:54,602 --> 00:19:56,499
[LAUGHS]
377
00:19:56,534 --> 00:20:00,067
Oh, the times we had.
378
00:20:00,102 --> 00:20:01,799
I don't know.
379
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:05,098
Maybe I've been
too hard on him.
380
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:08,234
I'm gonna tell Steve
about the money.
381
00:20:08,269 --> 00:20:10,151
Hey,
look at this.
382
00:20:10,186 --> 00:20:11,998
And to close,
383
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:15,500
we have a story
about a true moron.
384
00:20:15,535 --> 00:20:18,251
Tonight,
an unemployed househusband
385
00:20:18,286 --> 00:20:20,933
and self-described
man of nature,
386
00:20:20,968 --> 00:20:23,667
thinking that the last
Caribbean pygmy turtle
387
00:20:23,702 --> 00:20:25,499
born in captivity
was unhappy,
388
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:28,501
broke into the zoo aquarium,
stole the turtle
389
00:20:28,536 --> 00:20:30,834
and released it
into Lake Michigan.
390
00:20:39,234 --> 00:20:41,866
Apparently,
this man of nature
391
00:20:41,901 --> 00:20:45,117
didn't know it was
a saltwater turtle.
392
00:20:45,152 --> 00:20:48,334
Witnesses report
Bosco tried valiantly
393
00:20:48,369 --> 00:20:49,998
to crawl back
out of the water,
394
00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:54,801
only to be thrown back in by
this deranged, unemployed man,
395
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:58,634
standing on the bank,
singing "Born Free. "
396
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,334
Bosco will be missed.
397
00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:14,132
Bail has been set
at $25,000.
398
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:16,601
Not nearly enough
in this reporter's opinion.
399
00:21:18,968 --> 00:21:21,098
Ahh, well.
400
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:24,067
I guess I know
what I have to do.
401
00:21:24,102 --> 00:21:25,834
You gonna go
bail him out?
402
00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:28,098
Let him rot.
403
00:21:28,133 --> 00:21:31,100
I'm gonna buy myself
a new Jag.
404
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:41,501
Hey, Bundy. You ready
to settle up your tab?
405
00:21:41,536 --> 00:21:42,501
Yep, I'm ready.
406
00:21:48,934 --> 00:21:51,432
* Born free *
407
00:21:51,467 --> 00:21:53,467
* Free as the grass grows *
408
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:57,634
* Free as the wind blows *
409
00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:06,934
[***]1
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:05,767
[***]
2
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:18,334
["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
3
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:21,767
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *
4
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:24,834
* Everywhere you go *
5
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:27,100
* Take a look
In the Five-and-Ten *
6
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:28,701
* Glistening once again *
7
00:01:28,701 --> 00:01:31,367
* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *
8
00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:33,968
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas... *
9
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,033
[CAR APPROACHES]
10
00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:37,901
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
11
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:39,334
AL:
No!
12
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,868
Daddy's home.
13
00:01:42,868 --> 00:01:44,534
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
14
00:01:47,667 --> 00:01:50,367
I hate Christmas.
15
00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:52,934
The mall was full of nothing
but women and children.
16
00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:56,200
All you hear is,
"I want this. Get me this.
17
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,767
I have to have this."
18
00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:59,334
Then there's the children.
19
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,167
And they're all by my store,
20
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,501
'cause they stuck
the mall Santa right outside,
21
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,501
ringing his stupid bell.
22
00:02:08,501 --> 00:02:09,834
As if you need a bell
23
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:14,334
to notice a 300-pound alcoholic
in a red suit.
24
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,367
"Ho, ho, ho," all day long.
25
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:17,501
So, nice as can be,
26
00:02:17,501 --> 00:02:21,000
I go outside
and ask him to shut the hell up.
27
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,634
He takes a swing at me.
28
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:25,534
So I lay a hook
into his fat belly,
29
00:02:25,534 --> 00:02:27,901
and he goes down.
30
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,400
Beard comes off,
all the kids start crying,
31
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,734
and I'm the bad guy.
32
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,000
Aw, honey,
33
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,634
I know what would
make you feel better,
34
00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:42,767
but I'll never leave you,
not in a million years.
35
00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:45,334
So, Al, what's
the family plan
36
00:02:45,334 --> 00:02:46,968
for Christmas
this year?
37
00:02:46,968 --> 00:02:49,100
Five bowls a-flushing?
38
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,200
Four 'roids
a-throbbing?
39
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,567
Three nose hairs waving?
40
00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:58,167
Two children starving?
41
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:01,567
* One untouched wife *
42
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,834
I guess this is what
they mean when they say,
43
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:14,334
"chestnuts roasting
on an open fire."
Eh, guys?
44
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:17,501
Now, look, I know
last Christmas,
45
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:18,868
you didn't
get what you wanted.
46
00:03:18,868 --> 00:03:20,501
I saw your
sad little faces.
47
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,901
How?
48
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,467
You weren't even home.
49
00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:25,934
You shot pool
with your friends.
50
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:29,968
Hey, your faces were
still sad the next day.
51
00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:32,234
But this year, it's
going to be different.
52
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:35,100
Who here knows what
a Christmas club is?
53
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,567
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
54
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:42,100
to get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
55
00:03:43,801 --> 00:03:44,901
Uh, yeah.
56
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,167
Anyway, I've got
57
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:49,734
one of these
Christmas club things,
58
00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:53,434
and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
59
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,701
So, in addition
60
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:57,801
to our annual Christmas
feast at Denny's...
61
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,501
This year,
we're getting presents.
62
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,934
Oh, I can't believe it!
Presents! Yes!
63
00:04:05,934 --> 00:04:08,200
Al, this isn't
a joke, is it?
64
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,200
You know, like when
we were dating and you said:
65
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,601
"Stick with me, babe,
I'm really going places"?
66
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,501
Gee, I remember
saying that.
67
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:18,000
I just didn't think
I said it to you.
68
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,100
Oh, anyway,
69
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:21,000
Christmas is not
the time for regrets.
70
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,434
That's what
anniversaries are for.
71
00:04:23,434 --> 00:04:24,634
Come on.
72
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:27,567
Let's all have a little
Christmas "Whoa, Bundy!"
73
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,868
ALL:
Whoa... Bundy!
74
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,601
[DOORBELL RINGS]
75
00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:35,467
That may be carolers.
They may want something.
Bud, hit the lights.
76
00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:37,267
Everybody down.
77
00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:42,467
It's Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
78
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:46,000
Should I fix us up a stink bomb?
79
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,200
No, let them in.
80
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,667
They may
have presents.
81
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,567
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
82
00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:58,234
Nothing.
Empty-handed.
83
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:05,067
Okay, who's got
my wedding ring?
84
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,000
Thank you.
85
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,767
Anyway, I just came over
to say Merry Christmas
86
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:14,334
since I won't be here because
of a previous commitment.
87
00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:16,868
Yes, he's
spending Christmas
88
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:18,467
with Mommy, you know.
89
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:21,501
BUNDYS:
Aww.
90
00:05:21,501 --> 00:05:24,634
Why can't you and Mother
get along, Marcie?
91
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:27,300
The woman hangs
her coat on me.
92
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:33,033
What about your mother
and her little,
"Oops! Sorry, Stevie.
93
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:36,801
I didn't know you
were in the shower."
94
00:05:39,534 --> 00:05:41,601
Marcie, you want
some coffee?
95
00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:42,667
Sure.
96
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:43,734
Hey, I want some coffee.
97
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,067
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
98
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,400
There's only enough for two.
99
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,400
Kids, you want any?
100
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,334
Why are wives so jealous
of the relationship
101
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,601
between a man
and his mother?
102
00:05:56,601 --> 00:05:58,300
Ah, they see someone
who cares for you,
103
00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,300
and it eats them up.
104
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,601
Yep.
105
00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:02,200
My mom even left
Marcie instructions
106
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,567
on how to take care
of me.
107
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:06,234
Still, one week
after we were married,
108
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:09,634
guess who was washing
his own hair?
109
00:06:09,634 --> 00:06:11,467
[CAR HORN HONKS]
110
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:13,267
Oh, that must be
my taxi.
111
00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:15,734
Merry Christmas, honey.
Come give me a kiss.
112
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:17,467
WOMAN:
Come on, Stevie!
113
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:19,300
Coming, Mother!
114
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,300
The man's mother
came from Cincinnati
115
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:23,467
to pick him up?
116
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:26,968
Boy, if Weenie Town
ever needs a mayor...
117
00:06:26,968 --> 00:06:28,634
Peggy, what am I going to do?
118
00:06:28,634 --> 00:06:30,200
We were supposed to go
to the party
119
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,400
at my bank tomorrow.
120
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,934
I can't go stag.
What will people think?
121
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:36,300
Marcie, let me
give you some advice.
122
00:06:39,334 --> 00:06:42,601
Don't spend time thinking about
things you don't have:
123
00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:44,434
a good relationship...
124
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,968
nice hair...
125
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:50,968
a good disposition,
a woman's body...
126
00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:56,167
Think instead
about the things you do have,
127
00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:57,400
and when you do,
let me know,
128
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,834
'cause I've drawn
a total blank.
129
00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:00,234
Merry Christmas!
130
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:02,334
Al!
131
00:07:03,601 --> 00:07:05,667
Christmas is no time
to make fun of someone
132
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:08,601
whose life is crumbling down
around them.
133
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:09,901
Do you know how many people
134
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,934
with lives
a lot better than hers
135
00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:14,434
commit suicide
this time of year?
136
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:17,968
Now, you should
say something nice to her,
137
00:07:17,968 --> 00:07:20,534
even if you don't mean it.
138
00:07:22,434 --> 00:07:25,634
You look very nice, Marcie.
139
00:07:25,634 --> 00:07:27,400
See?
140
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,901
Now, I'll tell you
what you should do.
141
00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:31,968
You should go
to that party without Steve.
142
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:34,300
Get wild. Get crazy.
143
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:36,234
Pretend you're single again.
144
00:07:36,234 --> 00:07:37,834
Dance on the table tops,
145
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:39,100
chase after men,
146
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,167
rub your red hair
up and down their chests
147
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,033
like a feather-duster,
148
00:07:43,033 --> 00:07:45,133
and then reach out and...
149
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:54,334
And say, "I'm married,"
and go home.
150
00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,167
Like I would.
151
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:58,534
I guess you're right.
152
00:07:58,534 --> 00:08:01,067
I'll go to the party,
but I won't have any fun.
153
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,434
This will be the worst
Christmas I ever had.
154
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:05,968
I'll wind up home alone,
sitting in the dark.
155
00:08:05,968 --> 00:08:07,434
That is...
156
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:09,968
unless some friends
invite me over.
157
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,100
Poor Marcie.
158
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,534
I feel so bad for her.
159
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:21,534
So, Al, we're really gonna
get presents?
160
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,300
Yes! You betcha!
161
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:24,934
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
162
00:08:24,934 --> 00:08:27,601
This is going to be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever.
163
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:29,033
[AL CACKLES]
164
00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:30,901
CAROLERS:
* We wish you
A Merry Christmas *
165
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,000
Hit the lights!
166
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,934
* We wish you
A merry Christmas *
167
00:08:33,934 --> 00:08:35,567
* We wish you
A merry Christmas *
168
00:08:35,567 --> 00:08:37,868
* And a happy
New Year *
169
00:08:37,868 --> 00:08:40,567
GIRL:
We know you're
in there!
170
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:49,701
PEG:
* Oh, Al... *
171
00:08:58,033 --> 00:09:01,033
Come unwrap
your Christmas present.
172
00:09:02,033 --> 00:09:03,601
Where is it?
173
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,467
It's me, you feeb.
174
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:09,934
Oh, Peg, how do you expect me
to get excited
175
00:09:09,934 --> 00:09:11,667
when you just rewrap
the same old junk
176
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:14,133
I didn't play with
the year before?
177
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,133
Oh, come on, Al.
178
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:21,067
Thrill me
as only you can.
179
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:24,501
Show Mommy the Christmas
club bankbook.
180
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,701
Okay, but just
this once.
181
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,634
Again, Al, again!
182
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:38,901
It's never enough,
is it?
183
00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:42,367
Oh, you were fantastic!
Let's cuddle.
184
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:43,901
Oh!
185
00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:46,701
I suppose a shower's
out of the question, huh?
186
00:09:46,701 --> 00:09:49,501
And I don't think
deodorant is tough enough
187
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,000
to handle this baby.
188
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,934
I'll get the bug spray.
189
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:08,334
Dad...
190
00:10:08,334 --> 00:10:09,767
I couldn't sleep.
191
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:12,868
I sense you're on the horns
of a dilemma.
192
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:14,067
Now, to wit,
193
00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:17,334
you have $280.
194
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,267
But how do you
split it up?
195
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:20,367
Well...
196
00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:22,567
maybe I can help.
197
00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:26,734
You see, I hate to tell you
this, Dad, but, uh...
198
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:30,300
Kelly doesn't love you.
199
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,033
Never has, never will.
200
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,067
But you do, don't you, son?
201
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:39,167
With all
my heart and soul.
202
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:42,000
But back to Kelly.
203
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,567
Now, how can we
punish her?
204
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:46,567
How, how, how?
205
00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:49,100
I know.
206
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:52,467
I bet spending
all the money on me,
207
00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:53,734
and nothing on her,
208
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:56,167
would fix
her little red wagon.
209
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,033
So remember, Dad.
210
00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,501
This year, when
you think Christmas,
211
00:11:00,501 --> 00:11:03,033
think "Bud."
212
00:11:12,501 --> 00:11:13,934
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
213
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,234
Come in, Kelly.
214
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,300
Hi, Daddy.
215
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,667
Um, I just wanted to tell you,
216
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:23,167
I just got a call
from the doctor, and, um...
217
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:24,300
I'm dying.
218
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:29,100
Yep, I've got "bulgaria."
219
00:11:33,033 --> 00:11:36,868
The doctor says
that it's "terminus."
220
00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:41,801
How much time do you have,
pumpkin?
221
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:44,934
Well, I've got
till Christmas morning,
222
00:11:44,934 --> 00:11:48,000
and the only known cure
is a good present.
223
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,601
You know, in the 250
to 275 price range?
224
00:11:51,601 --> 00:11:55,400
Gee, then I wouldn't have
any money to get Bud anything.
225
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,667
I know...
226
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:59,267
but it's not like he
loves you or anything.
227
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:00,767
I mean, when I think
of all the times
228
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:02,400
that he wished
you dead--
229
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,100
Oh, well, I just wanted
to tell you that,
230
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,567
but whatever you decide
is okay with me.
231
00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:08,567
[COUGHS WEAKLY]
232
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,534
I thought
I'd find you here.
233
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:13,667
What are you doing?
234
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:14,701
Loving Daddy.
235
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:15,901
What are you doing here?
236
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,200
Saying hi to the man
who gave me life
237
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,701
and his name.
Make way!
238
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:22,300
No! He's my daddy!
239
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,300
What is going on here?
240
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:26,734
Kelly's trying to pretend
she loves Daddy.
241
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:29,467
Oh, yeah? Bud's trying to hog
all Daddy's money for himself.
242
00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:30,968
Oh, that's it.
243
00:12:30,968 --> 00:12:32,734
Both of you, out of here.
244
00:12:32,734 --> 00:12:36,267
Daddy is not stupid enough
to believe you really love him.
245
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,868
Now, just stop your whining.
246
00:12:39,868 --> 00:12:41,501
Go on. Get out.
247
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:43,334
Daddy's getting us all presents.
248
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:45,100
Go on.
249
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,133
Mwah.
250
00:12:52,334 --> 00:12:53,767
You know, if I were you,
251
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:57,834
I wouldn't get them
anything...
252
00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:00,501
'cause I'm the only one
who really loves you.
253
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:04,467
Oh, and by the way, Al.
254
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,334
I just got a call
from the doctor.
255
00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:09,501
I may be dying.
256
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:14,033
More toaster shakings,
Kel?
257
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,000
Please.
258
00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:25,934
Daddy gone?
259
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,400
Mom, it's noon.
260
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,300
Only noon?
261
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,634
God, I just couldn't sleep
from all the excitement.
262
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,868
Oh, look. I can't even eat.
263
00:13:43,868 --> 00:13:45,200
I'm so excited.
264
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,767
We're getting
Christmas presents,
265
00:13:46,767 --> 00:13:48,567
and on Christmas!
266
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,467
Well, Mom, I hate to put
a damper on the festivities,
267
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,167
but since Dad's getting us
presents,
268
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,534
shouldn't we get him something?
269
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:58,067
God,
270
00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:00,000
it never occurred to me.
271
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,200
Kind of takes the fun
out of the whole thing.
272
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,267
Well, I'm not spending
any of my money.
273
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:06,767
I've got expenses.
274
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:10,334
What, a new shipment of your
favorite perfume come in, Kel?
275
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:13,000
You know,eau deshore leave?
276
00:14:13,734 --> 00:14:16,000
Go swim in your sheets.
277
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,501
Now, kids, we said all this
at Thanksgiving.
278
00:14:20,501 --> 00:14:23,901
What we've got to do
is get Daddy some presents.
279
00:14:23,901 --> 00:14:25,734
And as my mom always said,
280
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:29,934
"The best presents
are in Dad's closet."
281
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,567
Well, I'm gonna give Daddy
282
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,334
something
that he's never used before:
283
00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:36,000
his toothbrush.
284
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,501
And I'll get him his underwear.
285
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:39,834
And as his wife,
286
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:42,133
he deserves to get
something special from me.
287
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,033
I know.
288
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:47,033
I'll get him his winter coat
that Buck's been sleeping on.
289
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,601
Oh, this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever!
290
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,801
There he is, kids.
291
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,534
The man
who hit Santa.
292
00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:06,133
Tonight, we'll all
come back
293
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,801
and egg his window.
294
00:15:07,801 --> 00:15:10,634
Yeah, Santa.
Yeah, Santa.
295
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:16,968
Anytime you want it, fat boy!
296
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,567
The bank! I got to get
to Marcie's bank.
297
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:27,467
Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry.
We're closed.
298
00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:29,067
See, I got to get
to the bank by 3:00.
299
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:31,634
We won't be
but a minute.
300
00:15:31,634 --> 00:15:34,300
Hurry up, Mama!
301
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,801
Fourteen ninety-five,
you say?
302
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:54,200
Yes!
303
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,934
Please hurry!
304
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:58,434
Mama has the money.
305
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:04,367
I don't have
any money.
306
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:05,534
Oh.
307
00:16:05,534 --> 00:16:07,267
Well, who has it?
308
00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:12,133
Mom!
309
00:16:14,033 --> 00:16:15,601
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
310
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:22,801
["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
311
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,667
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
312
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,767
SANTA:
There he is, guys!
313
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,100
No!
314
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:06,901
Needed some help,
eh, Horowitz?
315
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:11,234
I guess you're not Santa enough
to face me alone.
316
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,701
Remember, I know
when you're sleeping!
317
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:17,400
And I know
when you've had beans.
318
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:34,501
PEG, KELLY & BUD [IN UNISON]:
What did you get us
for Christmas, Daddy?
319
00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:36,968
AL:
Well, family,
the bank was closed.
320
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:39,601
I have no money for presents.
321
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:42,000
You still love me, though,
right?
322
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:47,434
[MACHINE GUN FIRING]
323
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,300
I want toys!
324
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,467
Just a minute,
honey.
325
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,501
Mommy just wants to get
some shoes, okay?
326
00:18:58,501 --> 00:19:00,100
Toys, toys, toys!
327
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,834
Oh, kids. You gotta
love them.
328
00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:02,834
Toys!
329
00:19:02,834 --> 00:19:05,100
Put a cork in it,
demon!
330
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,234
God, what I wouldn't pay
331
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:08,467
to get rid of him
for an hour
332
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:09,968
so I could shop in peace.
333
00:19:22,534 --> 00:19:24,968
[HUMMING
"WINTER WONDERLAND"]
334
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,734
Water.
335
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:32,334
Shut up.
336
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:36,300
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
337
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968
You'll never
get away with this.
338
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:38,968
Oh, won't I?
339
00:19:38,968 --> 00:19:40,067
You be quiet,
340
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:41,901
or I'll send you
to the bathroom dungeon
341
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:43,767
like little Bobby.
342
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:47,634
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
343
00:19:47,634 --> 00:19:50,000
Hey, Bundy, we want
some entertainment.
344
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,868
Okay, I'll tell you
a nice Christmas story.
345
00:19:51,868 --> 00:19:52,934
Gather around Uncle Al.
346
00:19:54,534 --> 00:19:57,100
All right,
that's close enough.
347
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:59,801
All right, here we go.
348
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:01,601
'Twas the night
Before Christmas
349
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,400
And all through the house
350
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:08,300
No food was a-stirring
Not even a mouse
351
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:11,367
Stockings were hung
'Round Dad's neck like a tie
352
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:15,067
Along with a note
That said, "Presents or die"
353
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:19,934
Children were plotting
All night in their beds
354
00:20:19,934 --> 00:20:22,100
While the wife's
Constant whining
355
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:25,100
Was splitting his head
356
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,868
But Daddy had money this year
In the bank
357
00:20:27,868 --> 00:20:32,601
Then they closed up early
Now Dad's in the tank
358
00:20:32,601 --> 00:20:35,701
Then all of a sudden
Santa appeared
359
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:39,567
A sneer on his face
Booze in his beard
360
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:42,400
"Santa," I said
As he laughed merrily
361
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,667
"You do so much for others
Do something for me"
362
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,200
"Bundy," he said
363
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,067
"You only sell shoes
364
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:52,400
Your son is a sneak thief
Your daughter's a flooze"
365
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:57,300
"Ho, ho," Santa said
"Should I mention your wife?
366
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,968
Her hair's like an A-bomb
Her nails like a knife"
367
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:06,067
And he climbs up the chimney
That fat piece of dung
368
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:08,767
He mooned me two times
He stuck out his tongue
369
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:14,667
And I heard him exclaim
As he broke wind with glee
370
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:19,501
"You're married, with children
You'll never be free"
371
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,834
Now, who wants to hear
about the red-headed grinch
372
00:21:27,834 --> 00:21:30,167
that stole Uncle Al's life?
373
00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:32,400
There he is!
374
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,834
He depressed us.
375
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,000
Oh, you beast!
376
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:42,801
And here's
your money back.
377
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:45,467
And yours.
378
00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:47,534
And yours.
379
00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:49,234
And yours.
380
00:21:49,234 --> 00:21:51,701
And yours.
Thank you.
381
00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:54,767
Okay, Franklin,
say goodbye to Uncle Al.
382
00:21:55,968 --> 00:21:56,968
[GROANS]
383
00:21:56,968 --> 00:21:58,467
Good boy!
384
00:22:00,501 --> 00:22:03,767
ANNOUNCER [ON LOUDSPEAKER]:
Attention, shoppers.
The mall is now closing
385
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:05,267
so that our merchants
can get home
386
00:22:05,267 --> 00:22:06,868
and be
with their loving families.
387
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:08,834
Thank you
for shopping with us.
388
00:22:08,834 --> 00:22:11,834
Merry Christmas,
and good night.
389
00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:32,634
["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
390
00:22:32,634 --> 00:22:36,601
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *
391
00:22:36,601 --> 00:22:39,634
* Everywhere you go *
392
00:22:39,634 --> 00:22:41,334
* Take a look
In the five-and-ten *
393
00:22:41,334 --> 00:22:43,100
* Glistening once again *
394
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:46,501
* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *
395
00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:49,767
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *
396
00:22:49,767 --> 00:22:52,834
* Toys in every store *
397
00:22:52,834 --> 00:22:54,534
* But the prettiest sight
To see *
398
00:22:54,534 --> 00:22:56,334
* Is the holly that will be *
399
00:22:56,334 --> 00:22:59,634
* On your own front door *
400
00:22:59,634 --> 00:23:01,734
* On your own *
401
00:23:01,734 --> 00:23:03,300
* Front *
402
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:05,334
* Door *
403
00:23:05,334 --> 00:23:06,868
* Merry Christmas! *1
00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:05,767
[***]
2
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:18,299
["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
3
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:21,767
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *
4
00:01:21,802 --> 00:01:24,799
* Everywhere you go *
5
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:27,100
* Take a look
In the Five-and-Ten *
6
00:01:27,135 --> 00:01:28,666
* Glistening once again *
7
00:01:28,701 --> 00:01:31,332
* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *
8
00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:33,968
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas... *
9
00:01:34,003 --> 00:01:35,952
[CAR APPROACHES]
10
00:01:35,987 --> 00:01:37,901
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
11
00:01:37,936 --> 00:01:39,334
AL:
No!
12
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,833
Daddy's home.
13
00:01:42,868 --> 00:01:44,534
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
14
00:01:47,667 --> 00:01:50,332
I hate Christmas.
15
00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:52,934
The mall was full of nothing
but women and children.
16
00:01:52,969 --> 00:01:56,200
All you hear is,
"I want this. Get me this.
17
00:01:56,235 --> 00:01:57,784
I have to have this. "
18
00:01:57,819 --> 00:01:59,334
Then there's the children.
19
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,132
And they're all by my store,
20
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,501
'cause they stuck
the mall Santa right outside,
21
00:02:06,536 --> 00:02:08,185
ringing his stupid bell.
22
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:09,799
As if you need a bell
23
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:14,334
to notice a 300-pound alcoholic
in a red suit.
24
00:02:14,369 --> 00:02:16,367
"Ho, ho, ho," all day long.
25
00:02:16,402 --> 00:02:17,466
So, nice as can be,
26
00:02:17,501 --> 00:02:21,000
I go outside
and ask him to shut the hell up.
27
00:02:21,035 --> 00:02:23,599
He takes a swing at me.
28
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:25,534
So I lay a hook
into his fat belly,
29
00:02:25,569 --> 00:02:27,901
and he goes down.
30
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,400
Beard comes off,
all the kids start crying,
31
00:02:31,435 --> 00:02:32,734
and I'm the bad guy.
32
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:35,965
Aw, honey,
33
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,599
I know what would
make you feel better,
34
00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:42,767
but I'll never leave you,
not in a million years.
35
00:02:42,802 --> 00:02:45,334
So, Al, what's
the family plan
36
00:02:45,369 --> 00:02:47,234
for Christmas
this year?
37
00:02:47,269 --> 00:02:49,734
Five bowls a-flushing?
38
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:52,668
Four 'roids
a- throbbing?
39
00:02:52,703 --> 00:02:55,435
Three nose hairs waving?
40
00:02:55,470 --> 00:02:58,518
Two children starving?
41
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:01,567
* One untouched wife *
42
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:11,151
I guess this is what
they mean when they say,
43
00:03:11,186 --> 00:03:14,334
"chestnuts roasting on
an open fire. " Eh, guys?
44
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:17,450
Now, look, I know
last Christmas,
45
00:03:17,485 --> 00:03:18,993
you didn't
get what you wanted.
46
00:03:19,028 --> 00:03:20,501
I saw your
sad little faces.
47
00:03:20,536 --> 00:03:21,866
How?
48
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,432
You weren't even home.
49
00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:25,899
You shot pool
with your friends.
50
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:29,084
Hey, your faces were
still sad the next day.
51
00:03:29,119 --> 00:03:32,109
But this year, it's
going to be different.
52
00:03:32,144 --> 00:03:35,065
Who here knows what
a Christmas club is?
53
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,600
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
54
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:42,100
to get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
55
00:03:43,801 --> 00:03:44,901
Uh, yeah.
56
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,132
Anyway, I've got
57
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:49,699
one of these
Christmas club things,
58
00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:53,434
and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
59
00:03:53,469 --> 00:03:54,666
So, in addition
60
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:57,801
to our annual Christmas
feast at Denny's...
61
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,567
This year,
we're getting presents.
62
00:04:03,602 --> 00:04:05,934
Oh, I can't believe it!
Presents! Yes!
63
00:04:05,969 --> 00:04:08,165
Al, this isn't
a joke, is it?
64
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,900
You know, like when
we were dating and you said:
65
00:04:10,935 --> 00:04:13,601
"Stick with me, babe,
I'm really going places"?
66
00:04:13,636 --> 00:04:15,466
Gee, I remember
saying that.
67
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:18,000
I just didn't think
I said it to you.
68
00:04:18,035 --> 00:04:19,065
Oh, anyway,
69
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:21,267
Christmas is not
the time for regrets.
70
00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,434
That's what
anniversaries are for.
71
00:04:23,469 --> 00:04:24,599
Come on.
72
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:27,567
Let's all have a little
Christmas "Whoa, Bundy!"
73
00:04:27,602 --> 00:04:30,101
ALL:
Whoa... Bundy!
74
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,566
[DOORBELL RINGS]
75
00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:35,467
That may be carolers. They may
want something. Bud, hit the lights.
76
00:04:35,502 --> 00:04:37,267
Everybody down.
77
00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:42,432
It's Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
78
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:46,000
Should I fix us up a stink bomb?
79
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,165
No, let them in.
80
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,667
They may
have presents.
81
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,567
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
82
00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:58,234
Nothing.
Empty-handed.
83
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:05,067
Okay, who's got
my wedding ring?
84
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,965
Thank you.
85
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,732
Anyway, I just came over
to say Merry Christmas
86
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:14,334
since I won't be here because
of a previous commitment.
87
00:05:14,369 --> 00:05:16,868
Yes, he's
spending Christmas
88
00:05:16,903 --> 00:05:18,467
with Mommy, you know.
89
00:05:18,502 --> 00:05:21,466
BUNDYS:
Aww.
90
00:05:21,501 --> 00:05:24,634
Why can't you and Mother
get along, Marcie?
91
00:05:24,669 --> 00:05:27,300
The woman hangs
her coat on me.
92
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:33,033
What about your mother and her
little, "Oops! Sorry, Stevie.
93
00:05:33,068 --> 00:05:36,801
I didn't know you
were in the shower. "
94
00:05:39,534 --> 00:05:41,601
Marcie, you want
some coffee?
95
00:05:41,636 --> 00:05:42,632
Sure.
96
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:43,867
Hey, I want some coffee.
97
00:05:43,902 --> 00:05:45,032
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
98
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,400
There's only enough for two.
99
00:05:47,435 --> 00:05:49,400
Kids, you want any?
100
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,334
Why are wives so jealous
of the relationship
101
00:05:55,369 --> 00:05:56,566
between a man
and his mother?
102
00:05:56,601 --> 00:05:58,300
Ah, they see someone
who cares for you,
103
00:05:58,335 --> 00:05:59,300
and it eats them up.
104
00:05:59,335 --> 00:06:00,566
Yep.
105
00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:02,200
My mom even left
Marcie instructions
106
00:06:02,235 --> 00:06:03,532
on how to take care
of me.
107
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:06,600
Still, one week
after we were married,
108
00:06:06,635 --> 00:06:09,634
guess who was washing
his own hair?
109
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,432
[CAR HORN HONKS]
110
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:13,232
Oh, that must be
my taxi.
111
00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:15,734
Merry Christmas, honey.
Come give me a kiss.
112
00:06:15,769 --> 00:06:17,467
WOMAN:
Come on, Stevie!
113
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:19,265
Coming, Mother!
114
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,300
The man's mother
came from Cincinnati
115
00:06:22,335 --> 00:06:23,432
to pick him up?
116
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:26,968
Boy, if Weenie Town
ever needs a mayor...
117
00:06:27,003 --> 00:06:28,599
Peggy, what am I going to do?
118
00:06:28,634 --> 00:06:30,200
We were supposed to go
to the party
119
00:06:30,235 --> 00:06:31,365
at my bank tomorrow.
120
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,850
I can't go stag.
What will people think?
121
00:06:33,885 --> 00:06:36,300
Marcie, let me
give you some advice.
122
00:06:39,334 --> 00:06:42,601
Don't spend time thinking about
things you don't have:
123
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,434
a good relationship...
124
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,968
nice hair...
125
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:50,968
a good disposition,
a woman's body...
126
00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:56,167
Think instead
about the things you do have,
127
00:06:56,202 --> 00:06:57,518
and when you do,
let me know,
128
00:06:57,553 --> 00:06:58,834
'cause I've drawn
a total blank.
129
00:06:58,869 --> 00:07:00,234
Merry Christmas!
130
00:07:00,269 --> 00:07:02,334
Al!
131
00:07:03,601 --> 00:07:06,101
Christmas is no time
to make fun of someone
132
00:07:06,136 --> 00:07:08,601
whose life is crumbling down
around them.
133
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:09,866
Do you know how many people
134
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:12,167
with lives
a lot better than hers
135
00:07:12,202 --> 00:07:14,434
commit suicide
this time of year?
136
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:17,968
Now, you should
say something nice to her,
137
00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:20,534
even if you don't mean it.
138
00:07:22,434 --> 00:07:25,634
You look very nice, Marcie.
139
00:07:25,669 --> 00:07:27,365
See?
140
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,684
Now, I'll tell you
what you should do.
141
00:07:29,719 --> 00:07:31,968
You should go
to that party without Steve.
142
00:07:32,003 --> 00:07:34,265
Get wild. Get crazy.
143
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:36,067
Pretend you're single again.
144
00:07:36,102 --> 00:07:37,834
Dance on the table tops,
145
00:07:37,869 --> 00:07:39,065
chase after men,
146
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,167
rub your red hair
up and down their chests
147
00:07:41,202 --> 00:07:43,167
like a feather-duster,
148
00:07:43,202 --> 00:07:45,133
and then reach out and...
149
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:54,334
And say, "I'm married,"
and go home.
150
00:07:54,369 --> 00:07:56,132
Like I would.
151
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:58,499
I guess you're right.
152
00:07:58,534 --> 00:08:00,984
I'll go to the party,
but I won't have any fun.
153
00:08:01,019 --> 00:08:03,493
This will be the worst
Christmas I ever had.
154
00:08:03,528 --> 00:08:05,968
I'll wind up home alone,
sitting in the dark.
155
00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:07,399
That is...
156
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:09,968
unless some friends
invite me over.
157
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,065
Poor Marcie.
158
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,499
I feel so bad for her.
159
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:21,534
So, Al, we're really gonna
get presents?
160
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,265
Yes! You betcha!
161
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:24,899
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
162
00:08:24,934 --> 00:08:27,601
This is going to be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever.
163
00:08:27,636 --> 00:08:28,998
[AL CACKLES]
164
00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:30,901
CAROLERS: * We wish
you A Merry Christmas *
165
00:08:30,936 --> 00:08:31,965
Hit the lights!
166
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,783
* We wish you
A merry Christmas *
167
00:08:33,818 --> 00:08:35,567
* We wish you
A merry Christmas *
168
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,833
* And a happy
New Year *
169
00:08:37,868 --> 00:08:40,567
GIRL: We know you're in there!
170
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:49,701
PEG:
* Oh, Al... *
171
00:08:58,033 --> 00:09:01,033
Come unwrap
your Christmas present.
172
00:09:02,033 --> 00:09:03,601
Where is it?
173
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,432
It's me, you feeb.
174
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:09,934
Oh, Peg, how do you expect me
to get excited
175
00:09:09,969 --> 00:09:12,051
when you just rewrap
the same old junk
176
00:09:12,086 --> 00:09:14,133
I didn't play with
the year before?
177
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,098
Oh, come on, Al.
178
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:21,032
Thrill me
as only you can.
179
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:24,501
Show Mommy the Christmas
club bankbook.
180
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,701
Okay, but just
this once.
181
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,599
Again, Al, again!
182
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:38,866
It's never enough,
is it?
183
00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:42,367
Oh, you were fantastic!
Let's cuddle.
184
00:09:42,402 --> 00:09:43,866
Oh!
185
00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:46,701
I suppose a shower's
out of the question, huh?
186
00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:49,501
And I don't think
deodorant is tough enough
187
00:09:49,536 --> 00:09:51,235
to handle this baby.
188
00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:52,934
I'll get the bug spray.
189
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:08,299
Dad...
190
00:10:08,334 --> 00:10:09,732
I couldn't sleep.
191
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:12,868
I sense you're on the horns
of a dilemma.
192
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:15,118
Now, to wit,
193
00:10:15,153 --> 00:10:17,299
you have $280.
194
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,267
But how do you
split it up?
195
00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:20,332
Well...
196
00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:22,532
maybe I can help.
197
00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:26,734
You see, I hate to tell you
this, Dad, but, uh...
198
00:10:26,769 --> 00:10:29,901
Kelly doesn't love you.
199
00:10:29,936 --> 00:10:32,998
Never has, never will.
200
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,100
But you do, don't you, son?
201
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:39,167
With all
my heart and soul.
202
00:10:39,202 --> 00:10:41,965
But back to Kelly.
203
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,567
Now, how can we
punish her?
204
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:46,567
How, how, how?
205
00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:49,065
I know.
206
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:52,467
I bet spending
all the money on me,
207
00:10:52,502 --> 00:10:53,699
and nothing on her,
208
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:56,167
would fix
her little red wagon.
209
00:10:56,202 --> 00:10:57,998
So remember, Dad.
210
00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,501
This year, when
you think Christmas,
211
00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:03,033
think "Bud. "
212
00:11:12,501 --> 00:11:13,867
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
213
00:11:13,902 --> 00:11:15,234
Come in, Kelly.
214
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,265
Hi, Daddy.
215
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,632
Um, I just wanted to tell you,
216
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:23,167
I just got a call
from the doctor, and, um...
217
00:11:23,202 --> 00:11:24,300
I'm dying.
218
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:29,100
Yep, I've got "bulgaria. "
219
00:11:33,033 --> 00:11:36,868
The doctor says
that it's "terminus. "
220
00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:41,700
How much time do you have,
pumpkin?
221
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:44,867
Well, I've got
till Christmas morning,
222
00:11:44,902 --> 00:11:48,251
and the only known cure
is a good present.
223
00:11:48,286 --> 00:11:51,566
You know, in the 250
to 275 price range?
224
00:11:51,601 --> 00:11:55,400
Gee, then I wouldn't have
any money to get Bud anything.
225
00:11:55,435 --> 00:11:56,632
I know...
226
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:59,267
but it's not like he
loves you or anything.
227
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:00,767
I mean, when I think
of all the times
228
00:12:00,802 --> 00:12:02,365
that he wished
you dead...
229
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,483
Oh, well, I just wanted
to tell you that,
230
00:12:04,518 --> 00:12:06,567
but whatever you decide
is okay with me.
231
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,567
[COUGHS WEAKLY]
232
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,534
I thought
I'd find you here.
233
00:12:12,569 --> 00:12:13,667
What are you doing?
234
00:12:13,702 --> 00:12:14,666
Loving Daddy.
235
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:15,866
What are you doing here?
236
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,200
Saying hi to the man
who gave me life
237
00:12:18,235 --> 00:12:19,701
and his name.
Make way!
238
00:12:19,736 --> 00:12:22,018
No! He's my daddy!
239
00:12:22,053 --> 00:12:24,265
What is going on here?
240
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:26,699
Kelly's trying to pretend
she loves Daddy.
241
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:29,467
Oh, yeah? Bud's trying to hog
all Daddy's money for himself.
242
00:12:29,502 --> 00:12:30,933
Oh, that's it.
243
00:12:30,968 --> 00:12:32,699
Both of you, out of here.
244
00:12:32,734 --> 00:12:36,267
Daddy is not stupid enough
to believe you really love him.
245
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,868
Now, just stop your whining.
246
00:12:39,903 --> 00:12:41,466
Go on. Get out.
247
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:43,334
Daddy's getting us all presents.
248
00:12:43,369 --> 00:12:44,751
Go on.
249
00:12:44,786 --> 00:12:46,133
Mwah.
250
00:12:52,334 --> 00:12:53,732
You know, if I were you,
251
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:57,799
I wouldn't get them
anything...
252
00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:00,501
'cause I'm the only one
who really loves you.
253
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:04,432
Oh, and by the way, Al.
254
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,334
I just got a call
from the doctor.
255
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,501
I may be dying.
256
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:14,033
More toaster shakings,
Kel?
257
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,000
Please.
258
00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:25,934
Daddy gone?
259
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,400
Mom, it's noon.
260
00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:30,265
Only noon?
261
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,634
God, I just couldn't sleep
from all the excitement.
262
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,868
Oh, look. I can't even eat.
263
00:13:43,903 --> 00:13:45,165
I'm so excited.
264
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,767
We're getting
Christmas presents,
265
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:48,567
and on Christmas!
266
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,467
Well, Mom, I hate to put
a damper on the festivities,
267
00:13:52,502 --> 00:13:54,167
but since Dad's getting us
presents,
268
00:13:54,202 --> 00:13:55,534
shouldn't we get him something?
269
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:58,032
God,
270
00:13:58,067 --> 00:13:59,965
it never occurred to me.
271
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,200
Kind of takes the fun
out of the whole thing.
272
00:14:03,235 --> 00:14:05,267
Well, I'm not spending
any of my money.
273
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:06,732
I've got expenses.
274
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:10,334
What, a new shipment of your
favorite perfume come in, Kel?
275
00:14:10,369 --> 00:14:13,000
You know,eau deshore leave?
276
00:14:13,734 --> 00:14:15,965
Go swim in your sheets.
277
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,950
Now, kids, we said all this
at Thanksgiving.
278
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:23,901
What we've got to do
is get Daddy some presents.
279
00:14:23,936 --> 00:14:25,699
And as my mom always said,
280
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:29,934
"The best presents
are in Dad's closet. "
281
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:31,532
Well, I'm gonna give Daddy
282
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,334
something
that he's never used before:
283
00:14:33,369 --> 00:14:35,965
his toothbrush.
284
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,501
And I'll get him his underwear.
285
00:14:38,536 --> 00:14:39,799
And as his wife,
286
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:42,133
he deserves to get
something special from me.
287
00:14:42,168 --> 00:14:43,998
I know.
288
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:47,033
I'll get him his winter coat
that Buck's been sleeping on.
289
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,601
Oh, this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever!
290
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,766
There he is, kids.
291
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,499
The man
who hit Santa.
292
00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:06,133
Tonight, we'll all
come back
293
00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:07,766
and egg his window.
294
00:15:07,801 --> 00:15:10,634
Yeah, Santa.
Yeah, Santa.
295
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:16,968
Anytime you want it, fat boy!
296
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,567
The bank! I got to get
to Marcie's bank.
297
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:27,450
Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry.
We're closed.
298
00:15:27,485 --> 00:15:29,067
See, I got to get
to the bank by 3:00.
299
00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:31,634
We won't be
but a minute.
300
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:34,300
Hurry up, Mama!
301
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,801
Fourteen ninety-five,
you say?
302
00:15:52,836 --> 00:15:54,165
Yes!
303
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,899
Please hurry!
304
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:58,434
Mama has the money.
305
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:04,367
I don't have
any money.
306
00:16:04,402 --> 00:16:05,499
Oh.
307
00:16:05,534 --> 00:16:07,267
Well, who has it?
308
00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:12,133
Mom!
309
00:16:14,033 --> 00:16:15,601
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
310
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:22,801
["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
311
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,667
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
312
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,767
SANTA:
There he is, guys!
313
00:17:52,802 --> 00:17:54,100
No!
314
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:06,866
Needed some help,
eh, Horowitz?
315
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:11,234
I guess you're not Santa enough
to face me alone.
316
00:18:11,269 --> 00:18:13,701
Remember, I know
when you're sleeping!
317
00:18:13,736 --> 00:18:17,400
And I know
when you've had beans.
318
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:34,501
PEG, KELLY & BUD [IN UNISON]: What did
you get us for Christmas, Daddy?
319
00:18:34,536 --> 00:18:36,968
AL: Well, family,
the bank was closed.
320
00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:39,566
I have no money for presents.
321
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:42,000
You still love me, though,
right?
322
00:18:42,035 --> 00:18:47,434
[MACHINE GUN FIRING]
323
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,265
I want toys!
324
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,432
Just a minute,
honey.
325
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,501
Mommy just wants to get
some shoes, okay?
326
00:18:58,536 --> 00:19:00,065
Toys, toys, toys!
327
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,834
Oh, kids. You gotta
love them.
328
00:19:01,869 --> 00:19:02,799
Toys!
329
00:19:02,834 --> 00:19:05,034
Put a cork in it,
demon!
330
00:19:05,069 --> 00:19:07,199
God, what I wouldn't pay
331
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:08,467
to get rid of him
for an hour
332
00:19:08,502 --> 00:19:09,968
so I could shop in peace.
333
00:19:22,534 --> 00:19:24,968
[HUMMING
"WINTER WONDERLAND"]
334
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,534
Water.
335
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,299
Shut up.
336
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:36,265
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
337
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968
You'll never
get away with this.
338
00:19:38,003 --> 00:19:39,035
Oh, won't I?
339
00:19:39,070 --> 00:19:40,032
You be quiet,
340
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:41,901
or I'll send you
to the bathroom dungeon
341
00:19:41,936 --> 00:19:44,785
like little Bobby.
342
00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:47,599
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
343
00:19:47,634 --> 00:19:49,751
Hey, Bundy, we want
some entertainment.
344
00:19:49,786 --> 00:19:51,868
Okay, I'll tell you
a nice Christmas story.
345
00:19:51,903 --> 00:19:52,934
Gather around Uncle Al.
346
00:19:54,534 --> 00:19:57,100
All right,
that's close enough.
347
00:19:57,135 --> 00:19:59,766
All right, here we go.
348
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:01,601
'Twas the night
Before Christmas
349
00:20:01,636 --> 00:20:03,365
And all through the house
350
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:08,265
No food was a-stirring
Not even a mouse
351
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:11,683
Stockings were hung
'Round Dad's neck like a tie
352
00:20:11,718 --> 00:20:15,067
Along with a note
That said, "Presents or die"
353
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:19,934
Children were plotting
All night in their beds
354
00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:22,100
While the wife's
Constant whining
355
00:20:22,135 --> 00:20:25,065
Was splitting his head
356
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,833
But Daddy had money this year
In the bank
357
00:20:27,868 --> 00:20:32,601
Then they closed up early
Now Dad's in the tank
358
00:20:32,636 --> 00:20:36,101
Then all of a sudden
Santa appeared
359
00:20:36,136 --> 00:20:39,268
A sneer on his face
Booze in his beard
360
00:20:39,303 --> 00:20:42,365
"Santa," I said
As he laughed merrily
361
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,667
"You do so much for others
Do something for me"
362
00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:47,384
"Bundy," he said
363
00:20:47,419 --> 00:20:49,032
"You only sell shoes
364
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:52,400
Your son is a sneak thief
Your daughter's a flooze"
365
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:57,851
"Ho, ho," Santa said
"Should I mention your wife?
366
00:20:57,886 --> 00:21:01,976
Her hair's like an A-bomb
Her nails like a knife"
367
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:06,067
And he climbs up the chimney
That fat piece of dung
368
00:21:06,102 --> 00:21:10,384
He mooned me two times
He stuck out his tongue
369
00:21:10,419 --> 00:21:14,960
And I heard him exclaim
As he broke wind with glee
370
00:21:14,995 --> 00:21:19,501
"You're married, with children
You'll never be free"
371
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,834
Now, who wants to hear
about the red-headed grinch
372
00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:30,167
that stole Uncle Al's life?
373
00:21:30,202 --> 00:21:32,018
There he is!
374
00:21:32,053 --> 00:21:34,026
He depressed us.
375
00:21:34,061 --> 00:21:36,000
Oh, you beast!
376
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:42,801
And here's
your money back.
377
00:21:42,836 --> 00:21:45,185
And yours.
378
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:47,227
And yours.
379
00:21:47,262 --> 00:21:49,199
And yours.
380
00:21:49,234 --> 00:21:51,666
And yours.
Thank you.
381
00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:54,767
Okay, Franklin,
say goodbye to Uncle Al.
382
00:21:55,968 --> 00:21:57,217
[GROANS]
383
00:21:57,252 --> 00:21:58,467
Good boy!
384
00:22:00,501 --> 00:22:03,767
ANNOUNCER [ON LOUDSPEAKER]: Attention,
shoppers. The mall is now closing
385
00:22:03,802 --> 00:22:05,335
so that our merchants
can get home
386
00:22:05,370 --> 00:22:07,102
and be
with their loving families.
387
00:22:07,137 --> 00:22:09,485
Thank you
for shopping with us.
388
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,834
Merry Christmas,
and good night.
389
00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:32,599
["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
390
00:22:32,634 --> 00:22:36,601
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *
391
00:22:36,636 --> 00:22:39,599
* Everywhere you go *
392
00:22:39,634 --> 00:22:41,334
* Take a look
In the five-and-ten *
393
00:22:41,369 --> 00:22:43,065
* Glistening once again *
394
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:46,433
* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *
395
00:22:46,468 --> 00:22:49,767
* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *
396
00:22:49,802 --> 00:22:52,799
* Toys in every store *
397
00:22:52,834 --> 00:22:54,534
* But the prettiest sight
To see *
398
00:22:54,569 --> 00:22:57,101
* Is the holly that will be *
399
00:22:57,136 --> 00:22:59,634
* On your own front door *
400
00:22:59,669 --> 00:23:01,734
* On your own *
401
00:23:01,769 --> 00:23:03,551
* Front *
402
00:23:03,586 --> 00:23:05,299
* Door *
403
00:23:05,334 --> 00:23:06,868
* Merry Christmas! *1
00:00:03,667 --> 00:00:05,767
[***]
2
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:20,634
Who here knows
what a Christmas Club is?
3
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:23,534
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
4
00:01:23,534 --> 00:01:26,667
to get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
5
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,400
Uh, yeah.
6
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:34,801
Anyway, I've got one of these
Christmas Club things,
7
00:01:34,801 --> 00:01:39,200
and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
8
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,334
So, in addition to our annual
Christmas feast at Denny's,
9
00:01:47,133 --> 00:01:49,033
this year we're
getting presents.
10
00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:50,701
Oh! I can't
believe it.
11
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,267
This'll be the worst
Christmas I ever had.
12
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:56,000
I'll wind up home alone
sitting in the dark.
13
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,100
That is...unless
some friends invite me over.
14
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:00,100
[CONSOLINGLY]
Oh.
15
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:08,400
Poor Marcie.
I feel so bad for her.
16
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,334
So, Al, we're really
gonna get presents!
17
00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:12,868
Yeah! You betcha!
Ha-ha!
18
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,467
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
19
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:17,100
This is gonna be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever!
20
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,100
[LAUGHS]
21
00:02:19,767 --> 00:02:21,901
["DECK THE HALLS"
PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
22
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:54,167
KELLY:
Daddy!
23
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:56,434
Oh!
Daddy!
24
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:58,234
BOTH: Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
25
00:02:58,234 --> 00:02:59,467
Oh.
26
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:03,033
Now, kids, give your father
a chance to relax.
27
00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:04,067
Make room.
28
00:03:05,234 --> 00:03:06,701
Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
29
00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:07,734
Oh, Dad!
30
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:08,934
Give us our presents!
31
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:10,701
I love you!
Give us our presents!
32
00:03:10,701 --> 00:03:12,868
Family!
33
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:15,234
I think we've fallen
a tad short
34
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:17,601
of the true meaning
of Christmas.
35
00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:20,234
It's about love, about family.
36
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:23,300
I think something's rotten
in the state of Denver, Mom.
37
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,701
Don't worry.
38
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,200
Even a dullard like your father
isn't stupid enough
39
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,767
to come home
without presents.
40
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,767
I don't like the looks
of this, Mom.
41
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:43,334
Yeah, he does have that
just-plugged-the-toilet grin
42
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:44,334
on his face.
43
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:51,100
I think he's empty.
44
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:52,467
Let's check it out.
45
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,467
So, Al, I, uh, noticed
you're not burdened down
46
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:04,033
with presents
for your loving family.
47
00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:07,133
Are they, uh,
in the car?
48
00:04:08,534 --> 00:04:09,534
Well, no.
49
00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:13,834
Are they, uh,
being delivered?
50
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:15,501
No.
51
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,133
Are they...
invisible?
52
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,901
Well, you guys get
to ask the good questions.
53
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,267
If, for once, you'd let me
go first, I would have asked--
54
00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:32,133
Shh.
55
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:33,634
Honey.
56
00:04:33,634 --> 00:04:37,567
Okay, Al, enough
of this loving-family crap.
57
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,634
What did you do?
58
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:45,634
Well, I'm going
to be honest with you, Peg.
59
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000
You see, I was coming home
with great presents,
60
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,367
when I was surrounded
by a band of...
61
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:52,734
bears and Indians.
62
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:56,334
Daddy, are you okay?
63
00:04:58,267 --> 00:04:59,567
Rest, Kelly.
64
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,767
Snookums,
65
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:06,467
you know, if you really did
come home with no presents,
66
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:09,868
we wouldn't mind,
would we, kids?
67
00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:11,567
No, Mom.
68
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,400
I would.
69
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,968
I mean, no,
I wouldn't, Mom.
70
00:05:14,968 --> 00:05:19,033
We wuv our Daddy,
right, kids?
71
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,734
Right, Mom.
Right, Mom.
72
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:24,834
There.
73
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:27,167
You feel
better now, Al?
74
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,701
Yes, I do, Peg.
75
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:33,133
Then give us
our presents.
76
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,400
You do have presents,
don't you, Al?
77
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,300
And we kissed your hand
and called you Daddy.
78
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,934
The bank closed.
79
00:05:44,934 --> 00:05:46,901
Yeah, right.
Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.
80
00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:50,934
It wasn't my fault.
81
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,334
I did everything
that I could.
82
00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:54,767
A real Daddy would have
held up a liquor store.
83
00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:58,801
They're open
till 6, you know.
84
00:05:58,801 --> 00:06:01,901
Now, kids, I'm sure
your father has a good reason
85
00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:03,801
for not taking that
money out yesterday.
86
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:07,167
Tell us
the reason, witless.
87
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,400
I wanted to get that
extra day of interest.
88
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,234
Oh, that would have been what--
About 3 cents, Al?
89
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:14,634
Hey, that would have been
our waitress's tip at Denny's.
90
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:19,767
Thank your father for flushing
another Christmas, kids.
91
00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:21,167
BOTH:
Thanks, Dad.
92
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:22,934
Hey, just because
we don't have presents
93
00:06:22,934 --> 00:06:24,767
doesn't mean we can't
have Christmas.
94
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,334
Daddy, Christmas
without presents
95
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:28,300
is like Thanksgiving
without pizza.
96
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:33,634
Oh, well, I suppose there are
a lot of families much worse off
97
00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,133
than us at Christmas.
98
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:39,501
Of course, they're all living
in trees and worshipping sticks.
99
00:06:39,501 --> 00:06:41,634
But, let's make
the best of it.
100
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:42,734
Let's go to Denny's.
101
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:43,901
I have 8 bucks.
102
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,467
That's enough for three
of us to eat.
103
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:48,133
Ha-ha. I guess we'll
all have to draw straws.
104
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,434
Well, I don't mind doin' that
105
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,267
'cause I don't think
I should have to do it,
106
00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:52,334
since I do work all year--
107
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:55,000
I am gonna buy presents
on the 26th.
108
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,000
--but I think to be fair,
109
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,467
I'll have to, uh...
110
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,667
Bring me back some pie crust.
111
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:04,000
Well, let's see
how the lights work.
112
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,701
[GRUNTS]
113
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,868
That's just great.
They hang there all year long.
114
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,267
The one lousy time
you want 'em to work...
115
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:20,300
Well, it's a wonderful life.
116
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,000
I don't know.
117
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,734
Sometimes, I think it might have
been better if I was never born.
118
00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:28,234
[BUZZING]
119
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:36,200
MAN:
Hey, buddy.
120
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,300
You all right?
121
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,634
Ah, there you are.
122
00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:42,834
Yeah.
123
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,367
You're okay.
124
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,200
You're gonna be fine.
125
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,767
Well, thanks, buddy.
Uh...who are you?
126
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,968
I'm a guardian angel.
127
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:00,601
Matter of fact,
I'm looking for, uh,
128
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:01,601
an Al Bundy.
129
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:02,701
Do you know
an Al Bundy?
130
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:04,534
I'm Al Bundy.
131
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,133
Noooo!!
132
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:11,801
Could you stop playing Nintendo
up there for a minute?!
133
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:13,701
What kind of a mess
have you gotten me into?!
134
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,434
What have you done to me?!
135
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,667
[SOBS]
136
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:27,133
There, there, buddy.
137
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,367
Uh, how about
I go get my gun
138
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,300
and shoot you
with a nice silver bullet?
139
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,634
[MOANS]
140
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:33,000
Would you like that,
buddy?
141
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:36,901
You'll just have to give me
a minute with this, Bundy.
142
00:08:36,901 --> 00:08:39,167
I thought I was here
to save a human soul.
143
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:42,834
That's all right.
Never mind.
144
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:43,834
Hold on a minute.
145
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,901
Oh, thanks a lot!
146
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,367
You can turn water into wine,
147
00:08:51,367 --> 00:08:53,367
but you can't send me
with any booze, huh?!
148
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,634
Love ya!
149
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:59,000
Oh, I get it.
150
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,701
You're one
of my wife's relatives.
151
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:05,200
I've never seen
one upright before.
152
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:12,000
No, much like a neutered dog,
you don't get it, Bundy.
153
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:14,868
Read my lips.
154
00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:16,901
I'm your guardian angel.
155
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,234
Oh, I see.
Hell, I gotta apologize.
156
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:21,667
I just thought you were a nut.
157
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,701
Well, I'll get my guitar
and call Elvis.
158
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:27,701
The three of us will
rock in the New Year.
159
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,601
Hey, it's no sleigh ride
for me either, Bundy.
160
00:09:33,601 --> 00:09:34,934
Usually,
on Christmas,
161
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:36,968
I'd be over at Moses' house.
162
00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:40,200
I'd be out by the pool,
waiting for the new guy
163
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,267
to jump off the board.
164
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:42,801
And then Mo parts the water.
165
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:44,334
[LAUGHS]
166
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,567
Now, that's Christmas!
167
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,667
That's Christmas, man.
168
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:52,234
Yeah, but I sort
of fell from grace.
169
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:54,234
They, uh-- They caught me
scalpin' tickets
170
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:55,667
to a Jimi Hendrix concert.
171
00:09:57,434 --> 00:10:00,400
And here I am.
But enough about me.
172
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,167
What's it gonna take
to convince you that
173
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,267
I'm your guardian angel?
174
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,300
Make my Christmas lights work.
175
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,167
[FINGERS SNAP]
176
00:10:18,834 --> 00:10:20,567
That's amazing.
177
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,701
You are an angel.
Hey, I want another wish.
178
00:10:22,701 --> 00:10:24,167
Aren't you supposed
to get three?
179
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:27,067
Hey, don't be a wish pig,
Bundy, all right?
180
00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:28,834
You want three wishes?
Get a genie.
181
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,734
Besides, anything that
I can't get a receipt for
182
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:34,167
comes out of my own pocket.
183
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,300
Aw, come on.
184
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,834
Just give me one more.
185
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,133
Turn the lights back off,
and give me the Hee Haw girls.
186
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,701
I've been sittin' around
waitin' for them to die myself.
187
00:10:46,701 --> 00:10:47,734
[LAUGHS]
188
00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:52,567
I know you think
you got it tough.
189
00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:54,167
Your wife doesn't respect you.
190
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:56,167
Your kids think
you're a failure.
191
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,167
A good day for you
is when you don't come across
192
00:10:58,167 --> 00:10:59,400
any new foot diseases.
193
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,334
Believe me, I sympathize.
194
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,868
But you think your life reeks?
195
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:05,767
Take a whiff of mine, pal.
196
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:09,767
My wife gained 100 pounds
for every year we were married.
197
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,234
We had two kids. I think
she ate 'em. I don't know.
198
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:16,567
I hated drivin' home so much,
199
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:19,968
I had vanity plates written up
that said, "Hit me."
200
00:11:19,968 --> 00:11:24,601
But despite it all...
she loved me.
201
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,634
You know how I know?
202
00:11:26,634 --> 00:11:29,634
Because she told me!
203
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:31,667
Oh, yeah,
when I was at work,
204
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:35,200
she loved my father,
my brother, my bookie.
205
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,901
But when I found my
grandfather's teeth in my bed
206
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:40,601
under the pillow, then I knew
there was trouble in paradise.
207
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,000
That's when I did what any
other man would do, Bundy.
208
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,334
I canceled my insurance,
and I hung myself.
209
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:49,801
Showed her, huh?
210
00:11:49,801 --> 00:11:51,400
[LAUGHS]
211
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:57,968
And you're here to help me, huh?
212
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:02,200
That I am, my man.
213
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,200
See, if I help you,
I get my wings.
214
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,133
And that means a lot up there,
especially with the chicks.
215
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:13,133
If I get wings, I get to pick up
on the girls who died young.
216
00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:17,501
Well, that sounds great for you,
217
00:12:17,501 --> 00:12:18,868
but what are you gonna do
for me?
218
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:21,033
Show me that my life can
only get worse?
219
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,634
What are you gonna do? Give me
two more wives? Three more kids?
220
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:25,968
Make me a--
Make me a White Sox fan?
221
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,133
No, Bundy. We're gonna
take a little trip.
222
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:32,868
Just like you wondered,
I'm gonna show you
223
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:35,067
what it would've been like
if you'd never been born.
224
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,067
Let's party.
225
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:37,634
[FINGERS SNAP]
226
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:52,367
[FINGERS SNAP]
227
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,767
[HUMS "HOME, SWEET HOME"]
228
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:04,300
Peg!
229
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,767
It's me...
and my angel.
230
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,467
She doesn't know
you're there, Bundy,
231
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:12,934
Just like when
you're havin' sex.
232
00:13:12,934 --> 00:13:14,267
[LAUGHS]
233
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:20,901
Wait a second.
234
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,234
She's cooking.
235
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,567
She told me she was
allergic to fire.
236
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:28,300
Gee, that's weird.
237
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,834
I guess after I died,
women started lyin', huh?
238
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:41,868
Hello, Mother.
239
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:45,400
Oh, you're home
a trifle late, dear.
240
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,734
Oh, yes, I know.
241
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:48,968
Regrettable,
but necessary.
242
00:13:48,968 --> 00:13:51,934
I had to stop on the way home
to soundly thrash a bully,
243
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,834
who was making lewd
and suggestive comments
244
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,300
to some female
school chums.
245
00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,801
Oh, Mother, when will men
realize that the delicate flower
246
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,267
of womanhood must be allowed
to bloom in freedom?
247
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,934
You're such
a fine young man.
248
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,934
I knew it would pay
to breastfeed you
249
00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:11,234
till you were 9.
250
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,501
Do you need
any money, dear?
251
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:22,534
Oh, no. I could never
take money from you.
252
00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:25,234
You and Father have given me
the greatest gift of all:
253
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:26,901
the gift of life.
254
00:14:26,901 --> 00:14:28,801
Would he feel it
if I kicked him?
255
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:32,901
No, but for a little
extra cash,
256
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:34,534
I could give him
your dog's face.
257
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:37,167
Would you take an IOU?
258
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,400
Not from you.
259
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:41,200
Hello, Mama!
260
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,701
I'm home from college.
261
00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:49,334
College?
262
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,334
She flunked lunch
in high school.
263
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,400
Good news.
264
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,434
They're publishing
my poetry in French.
265
00:14:56,434 --> 00:14:57,434
Oh.
Oh.
266
00:14:57,434 --> 00:15:00,133
Oh, Budrick.
267
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,534
Mwah.
Mwah.
268
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,267
You look fabulous.
269
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:05,601
You really must be popular
with the ladies.
270
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:10,267
Well, I've broken a few hearts,
but gained some good friends.
271
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:15,167
And you, dear sister,
are you still frigid?
272
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:22,033
Yes, but pleasures of the flesh
muddy the thinking.
273
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,601
She's right, you know.
274
00:15:23,601 --> 00:15:25,934
I saved myself
for marriage.
275
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:29,367
Oh, come on!
276
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,734
The football team
retired her jersey.
277
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:39,934
I mean, what kind of guy
would marry her
278
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:41,267
if she wasn't
puttin' out?
279
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:47,801
* I saw Mommy kissing
Santa Claus *
280
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:49,601
It's Daddy!
It's Daddy!
281
00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:52,234
Ho-ho! Family!
282
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,367
Oh, Daddy!
283
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:54,767
Dear heart!
284
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:55,767
Ha-ha-ha!
285
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,334
Oh.
286
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:58,501
[GIGGLES]
287
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,000
There they go again.
288
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:04,234
You know those wings
you been wantin'?
Yeah.
289
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:07,367
You think you can make a pair
out of this guy's kidneys?
290
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,868
Hey, don't worry
about him, Bundy.
291
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,267
I checked into his future.
292
00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:12,968
By the time he's 60,
his stomach is so ulcer-ridden
293
00:16:12,968 --> 00:16:14,634
that-- Oh.
Oh, that's you.
294
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:18,667
Sorry, man.
Sorry.
295
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,801
So, how was
your day, honey?
296
00:16:20,801 --> 00:16:24,334
Oh, wonderful as every day
since we met.
297
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:28,200
Am I the only one
who can taste the bile?
298
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,767
Oh, by the way, dear,
I didn't have a chance
299
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:34,367
to finish
the Christmas cookies.
300
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:37,467
I had a run-in
with a shoe salesman today.
301
00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:38,968
There she goes.
She's leavin' him.
302
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:41,100
No one can resist
a shoe salesman.
303
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,834
I was only trying on shoes
for a couple of hours,
304
00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:45,801
and he barked at me.
305
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:49,534
He was a rude, smelly,
uneducated, little man. Hmph.
306
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:53,467
Imagine, a grown man selling
shoes for a living. Ha-ha!
307
00:16:55,868 --> 00:16:57,567
But let us remember
the old adage,
308
00:16:57,567 --> 00:17:02,934
"I lamented I had no shoes until
I saw the man who sold them."
309
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:08,667
I'll bet you're all wondering
where your presents are.
310
00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:10,400
Oh, Father...
311
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,701
you needn't get us anything.
312
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:13,701
What?!
313
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,634
Oh, yes.
314
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:19,501
Your love and guidance
all these years means more to us
315
00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:21,267
than any store-bought bauble.
316
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:24,267
Oh--
I--
317
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,534
I just love
you guys so much.
318
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,200
Well, gee,
this was fun.
319
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:34,801
What do we do next?
320
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,868
Go back in time to the day
I should have been conceived?
321
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:39,868
Watch my father invent
the condom?
322
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:45,667
No.
323
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,300
No more time travel
for me.
324
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,300
It gives me the runs.
325
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,901
Besides, Bundy,
you're the one that wanted
326
00:17:51,901 --> 00:17:54,200
to see what life would be like
if you'd never been born.
327
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,801
So grin and bear it.
328
00:17:55,801 --> 00:18:00,167
Family, I have
a little announcement.
329
00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:04,334
I do have a special Christmas
present for everyone.
330
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:08,200
I've watched you all suffer
in this hovel for years,
331
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,801
but over the years,
332
00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:14,234
I've been saving, and that,
along with Mommy's sewing money,
333
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,801
has allowed me
to buy us a new house.
334
00:18:16,801 --> 00:18:18,968
A mansion, really.
335
00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:22,434
So how about joining me
in a "Whoa, Jablonski."
336
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,767
TOGETHER:
Whoa, Jablonski!
337
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:28,267
[MOUTHING]
Whoa, Jablonski?
338
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:32,667
Oh, Norman,
what a special Christmas.
339
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:36,067
Let's just stand here
and love each other.
340
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,167
Kids.
341
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:42,834
I love you.
342
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:43,834
I love you.
343
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:44,834
I love you.
344
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:45,834
I love you.
345
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:46,834
I love you.
346
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,501
I love you.
347
00:18:48,501 --> 00:18:50,801
ALL:
I love you.
348
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:54,868
Now, that's the straw that
broke the camel's back.
349
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:57,634
I'm sorry, Bundy.
I failed you.
350
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:59,801
I was supposed to show you
why you should live,
351
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:01,367
but I can't think
of one darn reason.
352
00:19:02,801 --> 00:19:04,234
I'll never get
my wings now.
353
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,667
And you know what kind
of woman you get in heaven
354
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:09,901
drivin' around
in a '78 Pinto?
355
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:11,601
The same kind of woman
you get down here
356
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,467
drivin' around a '78 Pinto.
357
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:15,901
God, I'm depressed.
358
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,033
Well, that's better.
359
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:26,434
Wait a second.
360
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,934
I wanna be back
with my family.
361
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:32,300
Why?
362
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:35,667
Look at them.
They're happy.
363
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,634
Not a care in the world.
364
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,634
You think I'm gonna
let that happen
365
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:42,467
after all the grief
they put me through?
366
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,534
I want to live!
367
00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:48,133
Bundy, are you serious?
368
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:49,634
That means I'm gonna
be an angel!
369
00:19:49,634 --> 00:19:51,367
I'm gonna get my wings!
370
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:53,601
I'm gonna be a real angel!
371
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,267
But first--
372
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:58,067
First I'm gonna go take
a look at my ex-wife.
373
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:00,234
You really did love her, huh?
374
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:01,667
No.
375
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,567
No, I just wanna put a package
of Ding Dongs just out of reach
376
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,167
of her porkpie fingers.
377
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:10,234
And then, as she oozes that
thousand-pound bulk
378
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:11,234
over the table,
379
00:20:11,234 --> 00:20:13,100
lifts up three of her chins
380
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,434
so she's able to put
one of 'em into her mouth,
381
00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:17,000
I'm gonna turn 'em
into me!
382
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,033
A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
383
00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:20,601
How do you like that,
Thelma?
384
00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:22,667
Daddy's home for Christmas!
385
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,734
You pig! You slut!
386
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:26,701
Take a bite of this, Shamu!
387
00:20:26,701 --> 00:20:28,234
Aah!
388
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,434
PEGGY:
Al, get up!
389
00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:41,667
Peg.
390
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,400
You know me?
391
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:47,033
Well, of course,
I know you.
392
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:49,334
Why do you think
I didn't help you up?
393
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:52,868
Come on, kids,
let's go inside.
394
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:54,934
Knowing your father,
he'll catch pneumonia,
395
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:56,834
cough on us,
and we'll all get sick.
396
00:20:56,834 --> 00:20:58,534
Out of the way, Al.
397
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,133
Yeah, you rotten...
398
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,234
KELLY:
God.
399
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:04,534
[DOOR SLAMS]
400
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,701
Bud, quick--
401
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:13,100
What's more important:
love or money?
402
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,067
Well, money, Dad.
I can always rent love.
403
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:16,133
[LAUGHS]
404
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,367
Kelly, quick--
405
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:20,200
What's the color
of an orange?
406
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,601
No multiple choice?
407
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:25,634
You mean, just straight
off the top of my head?
408
00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:27,300
Ha, no. Don't worry
about it, pumpkin.
409
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,934
Peg, bake me
some Christmas cookies.
410
00:21:29,934 --> 00:21:31,334
Drop dead, Al.
411
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:32,434
[LAUGHING]
All right!
412
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,934
Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood.
413
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:38,834
You know, they raised
the Christmas platter
414
00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:40,300
at Denny's 50 cents.
415
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:44,100
So we had to go to the Spud Hut
for their Holiday Tater Feast.
416
00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:47,467
Thanks a lot, Al.
417
00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:50,033
This is the worst
Christmas I've ever had.
418
00:21:50,033 --> 00:21:51,868
Yeah, me too.
This reeks.
419
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,801
Just a regular orange?
420
00:21:56,801 --> 00:21:58,701
[LAUGHS]
421
00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:00,667
I've got my family back.
422
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:05,100
ANGEL:
Okay, heaven, I'm back.
423
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,367
Open up the gates.
424
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,434
What do you mean,
where's my badge?
425
00:22:09,434 --> 00:22:11,667
It's in my luggage.
426
00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:13,667
They lost my luggage?
427
00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:17,067
Ow, ow.
Ow! Aah!
428
00:22:29,634 --> 00:22:31,067
[***]
429
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,100
* It's beginning
To look a lot like Christmas *
430
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:39,234
* Everywhere you go *
431
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:40,701
* Take a look
In the five-and-ten *
432
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:42,734
* Glistenin' once again *
433
00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,968
* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *
434
00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,434
* It's beginning
To look a lot like Christmas *
435
00:22:50,267 --> 00:22:51,634
* Toys in every store *
436
00:22:52,934 --> 00:22:54,334
* But the prettiest sight
To see *
437
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:56,434
* Is the holly that will be *
438
00:22:57,367 --> 00:22:58,434
* On your own front door *
439
00:22:59,133 --> 00:23:00,133
* On your own *
440
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:02,100
* Front *
441
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:04,367
* Door *
442
00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:06,434
CHORUS:
Merry Christmas!1
00:00:03,667 --> 00:00:05,767
[***]
2
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:20,599
Who here knows
what a Christmas Club is?
3
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:23,650
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
4
00:01:23,685 --> 00:01:26,667
to get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
5
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,400
Uh, yeah.
6
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:34,801
Anyway, I've got one of these
Christmas Club things,
7
00:01:34,836 --> 00:01:39,165
and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
8
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,334
So, in addition to our annual
Christmas feast at Denny's,
9
00:01:47,133 --> 00:01:49,033
this year we're
getting presents.
10
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,666
Oh! I can't
believe it.
11
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,350
This'll be the worst
Christmas I ever had.
12
00:01:53,385 --> 00:01:56,242
I'll wind up home alone
sitting in the dark.
13
00:01:56,277 --> 00:01:59,100
That is... unless
some friends invite me over.
14
00:01:59,135 --> 00:02:00,100
[CONSOLINGLY]
Oh.
15
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:08,365
Poor Marcie.
I feel so bad for her.
16
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,334
So, Al, we're really
gonna get presents!
17
00:02:11,369 --> 00:02:12,833
Yeah! You betcha!
Ha-ha!
18
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,432
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
19
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:17,100
This is gonna be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever!
20
00:02:17,135 --> 00:02:18,100
[LAUGHS]
21
00:02:19,767 --> 00:02:21,901
["DECK THE HALLS"
PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
22
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:54,167
KELLY:
Daddy!
23
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:56,399
Oh!
Daddy!
24
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:58,234
BOTH: Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
25
00:02:58,269 --> 00:02:59,432
Oh.
26
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:03,033
Now, kids, give your father
a chance to relax.
27
00:03:03,068 --> 00:03:04,067
Make room.
28
00:03:05,234 --> 00:03:06,701
Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
29
00:03:06,736 --> 00:03:07,699
Oh, Dad!
30
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:08,899
Give us our presents!
31
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:10,701
I love you!
Give us our presents!
32
00:03:10,736 --> 00:03:12,833
Family!
33
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:15,234
I think we've fallen
a tad short
34
00:03:15,269 --> 00:03:17,751
of the true meaning
of Christmas.
35
00:03:17,786 --> 00:03:20,199
It's about love, about family.
36
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:23,300
I think something's rotten
in the state of Denver, Mom.
37
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,666
Don't worry.
38
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,200
Even a dullard like your father
isn't stupid enough
39
00:03:29,235 --> 00:03:30,767
to come home
without presents.
40
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,732
I don't like the looks
of this, Mom.
41
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:43,334
Yeah, he does have that
just-plugged-the-toilet grin
42
00:03:43,369 --> 00:03:44,334
on his face.
43
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,584
I think he's empty.
44
00:03:50,619 --> 00:03:52,467
Let's check it out.
45
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,467
So, Al, I, uh, noticed
you're not burdened down
46
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,033
with presents
for your loving family.
47
00:04:04,068 --> 00:04:07,133
Are they, uh,
in the car?
48
00:04:08,534 --> 00:04:09,534
Well, no.
49
00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:13,834
Are they, uh,
being delivered?
50
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:15,501
No.
51
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,133
Are they...
invisible?
52
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,866
Well, you guys get
to ask the good questions.
53
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,267
If, for once, you'd let me
go first, I would have asked...
54
00:04:30,302 --> 00:04:31,968
Shh.
55
00:04:32,003 --> 00:04:33,599
Honey.
56
00:04:33,634 --> 00:04:37,567
Okay, Al, enough
of this loving-family crap.
57
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,634
What did you do?
58
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:45,634
Well, I'm going
to be honest with you, Peg.
59
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000
You see, I was coming home
with great presents,
60
00:04:49,035 --> 00:04:51,367
when I was surrounded
by a band of...
61
00:04:51,402 --> 00:04:52,734
bears and Indians.
62
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:56,334
Daddy, are you okay?
63
00:04:58,267 --> 00:04:59,567
Rest, Kelly.
64
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,732
Snookums,
65
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:06,467
you know, if you really did
come home with no presents,
66
00:05:06,502 --> 00:05:09,868
we wouldn't mind,
would we, kids?
67
00:05:09,903 --> 00:05:11,651
No, Mom.
68
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,365
I would.
69
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,216
I mean, no,
I wouldn't, Mom.
70
00:05:16,251 --> 00:05:19,033
We wuv our Daddy,
right, kids?
71
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,734
Right, Mom.
Right, Mom.
72
00:05:23,769 --> 00:05:24,799
There.
73
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:27,167
You feel
better now, Al?
74
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,701
Yes, I do, Peg.
75
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:33,098
Then give us
our presents.
76
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,400
You do have presents,
don't you, Al?
77
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,300
And we kissed your hand
and called you Daddy.
78
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,899
The bank closed.
79
00:05:44,934 --> 00:05:46,901
Yeah, right.
Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.
80
00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:50,899
It wasn't my fault.
81
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,299
I did everything
that I could.
82
00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:54,767
A real Daddy would have
held up a liquor store.
83
00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:58,766
They're open
till 6, you know.
84
00:05:58,801 --> 00:06:01,901
Now, kids, I'm sure
your father has a good reason
85
00:06:01,936 --> 00:06:03,801
for not taking that
money out yesterday.
86
00:06:03,836 --> 00:06:07,132
Tell us
the reason, witless.
87
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,365
I wanted to get that
extra day of interest.
88
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,199
Oh, that would have been what...
About 3 cents, Al?
89
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:14,634
Hey, that would have been
our waitress's tip at Denny's.
90
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:19,767
Thank your father for flushing
another Christmas, kids.
91
00:06:19,802 --> 00:06:21,132
BOTH:
Thanks, Dad.
92
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:22,967
Hey, just because
we don't have presents
93
00:06:23,002 --> 00:06:24,668
doesn't mean we can't
have Christmas.
94
00:06:24,703 --> 00:06:26,501
Daddy, Christmas
without presents
95
00:06:26,536 --> 00:06:28,300
is like Thanksgiving
without pizza.
96
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:33,634
Oh, well, I suppose there are
a lot of families much worse off
97
00:06:33,669 --> 00:06:35,098
than us at Christmas.
98
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:39,501
Of course, they're all living
in trees and worshipping sticks.
99
00:06:39,536 --> 00:06:41,634
But, let's make
the best of it.
100
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:42,734
Let's go to Denny's.
101
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:43,866
I have 8 bucks.
102
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,432
That's enough for three
of us to eat.
103
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:48,133
Ha-ha. I guess we'll
all have to draw straws.
104
00:06:48,168 --> 00:06:49,399
Well, I don't mind doin' that
105
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,267
'cause I don't think
I should have to do it,
106
00:06:51,302 --> 00:06:52,299
since I do work all year...
107
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:55,000
I am gonna buy presents
on the 26th.
108
00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:56,000
...but I think to be fair,
109
00:06:56,035 --> 00:06:57,467
I'll have to, uh...
110
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,667
Bring me back some pie crust.
111
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:04,000
Well, let's see
how the lights work.
112
00:07:04,035 --> 00:07:05,701
[GRUNTS]
113
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,868
That's just great.
They hang there all year long.
114
00:07:14,903 --> 00:07:17,267
The one lousy time
you want 'em to work...
115
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:20,300
Well, it's a wonderful life.
116
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:23,965
I don't know.
117
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,734
Sometimes, I think it might have
been better if I was never born.
118
00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:28,234
[BUZZING]
119
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:36,233
MAN:
Hey, buddy.
120
00:07:36,268 --> 00:07:37,300
You all right?
121
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,634
Ah, there you are.
122
00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:42,834
Yeah.
123
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,367
You're okay.
124
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,200
You're gonna be fine.
125
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,767
Well, thanks, buddy.
Uh... who are you?
126
00:07:55,802 --> 00:07:56,968
I'm a guardian angel.
127
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:00,601
Matter of fact,
I'm looking for, uh,
128
00:08:00,636 --> 00:08:01,566
an Al Bundy.
129
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:02,701
Do you know
an Al Bundy?
130
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:04,534
I'm Al Bundy.
131
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,098
Noooo!!
132
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:11,801
Could you stop playing Nintendo
up there for a minute?!
133
00:08:11,836 --> 00:08:13,701
What kind of a mess
have you gotten me into?!
134
00:08:13,736 --> 00:08:15,434
What have you done to me?!
135
00:08:15,469 --> 00:08:17,667
[SOBS]
136
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:27,098
There, there, buddy.
137
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,332
Uh, how about
I go get my gun
138
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,300
and shoot you
with a nice silver bullet?
139
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:31,599
[MOANS]
140
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:33,000
Would you like that,
buddy?
141
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:36,901
You'll just have to give me
a minute with this, Bundy.
142
00:08:36,936 --> 00:08:39,167
I thought I was here
to save a human soul.
143
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:42,834
That's all right.
Never mind.
144
00:08:42,869 --> 00:08:43,834
Hold on a minute.
145
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,866
Oh, thanks a lot!
146
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,332
You can turn water into wine,
147
00:08:51,367 --> 00:08:53,367
but you can't send me
with any booze, huh?!
148
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:54,634
Love ya!
149
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:58,965
Oh, I get it.
150
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,701
You're one
of my wife's relatives.
151
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:05,200
I've never seen
one upright before.
152
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:12,000
No, much like a neutered dog,
you don't get it, Bundy.
153
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:14,833
Read my lips.
154
00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:16,901
I'm your guardian angel.
155
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,234
Oh, I see.
Hell, I gotta apologize.
156
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,667
I just thought you were a nut.
157
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,684
Well, I'll get my guitar
and call Elvis.
158
00:09:25,719 --> 00:09:27,701
The three of us will
rock in the New Year.
159
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,601
Hey, it's no sleigh ride
for me either, Bundy.
160
00:09:33,636 --> 00:09:34,899
Usually,
on Christmas,
161
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:36,933
I'd be over at Moses' house.
162
00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:40,200
I'd be out by the pool,
waiting for the new guy
163
00:09:40,235 --> 00:09:41,232
to jump off the board.
164
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:42,801
And then Mo parts the water.
165
00:09:42,836 --> 00:09:44,334
[LAUGHS]
166
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,433
Now, that's Christmas!
167
00:09:47,468 --> 00:09:49,632
That's Christmas, man.
168
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:52,199
Yeah, but I sort
of fell from grace.
169
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:54,234
They, uh... They caught me
scalpin' tickets
170
00:09:54,269 --> 00:09:55,667
to a Jimi Hendrix concert.
171
00:09:57,434 --> 00:10:00,365
And here I am.
But enough about me.
172
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,167
What's it gonna take
to convince you that
173
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,267
I'm your guardian angel?
174
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,300
Make my Christmas lights work.
175
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,167
[FINGERS SNAP]
176
00:10:18,834 --> 00:10:20,532
That's amazing.
177
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,701
You are an angel.
Hey, I want another wish.
178
00:10:22,736 --> 00:10:24,132
Aren't you supposed
to get three?
179
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:27,067
Hey, don't be a wish pig,
Bundy, all right?
180
00:10:27,102 --> 00:10:28,834
You want three wishes?
Get a genie.
181
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,734
Besides, anything that
I can't get a receipt for
182
00:10:32,769 --> 00:10:34,167
comes out of my own pocket.
183
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,265
Aw, come on.
184
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,799
Just give me one more.
185
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,133
Turn the lights back off,
and give me the Hee Haw girls.
186
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,701
I've been sittin' around
waitin' for them to die myself.
187
00:10:46,736 --> 00:10:47,734
[LAUGHS]
188
00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:52,567
I know you think
you got it tough.
189
00:10:52,602 --> 00:10:54,384
Your wife doesn't respect you.
190
00:10:54,419 --> 00:10:56,132
Your kids think
you're a failure.
191
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,167
A good day for you
is when you don't come across
192
00:10:58,202 --> 00:11:00,268
any new foot diseases.
193
00:11:00,303 --> 00:11:02,299
Believe me, I sympathize.
194
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:04,050
But you think your life reeks?
195
00:11:04,085 --> 00:11:05,732
Take a whiff of mine, pal.
196
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:09,767
My wife gained 100 pounds
for every year we were married.
197
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:12,234
We had two kids. I think
she ate 'em. I don't know.
198
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:16,532
I hated drivin' home so much,
199
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:19,968
I had vanity plates written up
that said, "Hit me. "
200
00:11:20,003 --> 00:11:24,601
But despite it all...
she loved me.
201
00:11:24,636 --> 00:11:27,135
You know how I know?
202
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:29,599
Because she told me!
203
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:31,632
Oh, yeah,
when I was at work,
204
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:35,165
she loved my father,
my brother, my bookie.
205
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,866
But when I found my
grandfather's teeth in my bed
206
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:40,601
under the pillow, then I knew
there was trouble in paradise.
207
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,000
That's when I did what any
other man would do, Bundy.
208
00:11:46,035 --> 00:11:48,334
I canceled my insurance,
and I hung myself.
209
00:11:48,369 --> 00:11:49,801
Showed her, huh?
210
00:11:49,836 --> 00:11:51,400
[LAUGHS]
211
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:57,968
And you're here to help me, huh?
212
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:02,165
That I am, my man.
213
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,165
See, if I help you,
I get my wings.
214
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,133
And that means a lot up there,
especially with the chicks.
215
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:13,133
If I get wings, I get to pick up
on the girls who died young.
216
00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:17,500
Well, that sounds great for you,
217
00:12:17,535 --> 00:12:18,833
but what are you gonna do
for me?
218
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,998
Show me that my life can
only get worse?
219
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,634
What are you gonna do? Give me
two more wives? Three more kids?
220
00:12:23,669 --> 00:12:25,968
Make me a...
Make me a White Sox fan?
221
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,401
No, Bundy. We're gonna
take a little trip.
222
00:12:30,436 --> 00:12:32,833
Just like you wondered,
I'm gonna show you
223
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:35,067
what it would've been like
if you'd never been born.
224
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:36,067
Let's party.
225
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:37,634
[FINGERS SNAP]
226
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:52,367
[FINGERS SNAP]
227
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,767
[HUMS "HOME, SWEET HOME"]
228
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:04,265
Peg!
229
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,767
It's me...
and my angel.
230
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,350
She doesn't know
you're there, Bundy,
231
00:13:11,385 --> 00:13:12,934
Just like when
you're havin' sex.
232
00:13:12,969 --> 00:13:14,267
[LAUGHS]
233
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:21,067
Wait a second.
234
00:13:21,102 --> 00:13:22,234
She's cooking.
235
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,567
She told me she was
allergic to fire.
236
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:28,265
Gee, that's weird.
237
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,834
I guess after I died,
women started lyin', huh?
238
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:41,833
Hello, Mother.
239
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:45,400
Oh, you're home
a trifle late, dear.
240
00:13:45,435 --> 00:13:46,699
Oh, yes, I know.
241
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:48,933
Regrettable,
but necessary.
242
00:13:48,968 --> 00:13:51,934
I had to stop on the way home
to soundly thrash a bully,
243
00:13:51,969 --> 00:13:53,834
who was making lewd
and suggestive comments
244
00:13:53,869 --> 00:13:55,300
to some female
school chums.
245
00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,801
Oh, Mother, when will men
realize that the delicate flower
246
00:14:00,836 --> 00:14:03,267
of womanhood must be allowed
to bloom in freedom?
247
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,899
You're such
a fine young man.
248
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,934
I knew it would pay
to breastfeed you
249
00:14:09,969 --> 00:14:11,234
till you were 9.
250
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,466
Do you need
any money, dear?
251
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:22,499
Oh, no. I could never
take money from you.
252
00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:25,234
You and Father have given me
the greatest gift of all:
253
00:14:25,269 --> 00:14:26,866
the gift of life.
254
00:14:26,901 --> 00:14:28,801
Would he feel it
if I kicked him?
255
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:32,833
No, but for a little
extra cash,
256
00:14:32,868 --> 00:14:34,534
I could give him
your dog's face.
257
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:37,167
Would you take an IOU?
258
00:14:37,202 --> 00:14:38,400
Not from you.
259
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:41,200
Hello, Mama!
260
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,701
I'm home from college.
261
00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:49,299
College?
262
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,334
She flunked lunch
in high school.
263
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,365
Good news.
264
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,434
They're publishing
my poetry in French.
265
00:14:56,469 --> 00:14:58,301
Oh.
Oh.
266
00:14:58,336 --> 00:14:59,935
Oh, Budrick.
267
00:14:59,970 --> 00:15:01,499
Mwah.
Mwah.
268
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,232
You look fabulous.
269
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:05,566
You really must be popular
with the ladies.
270
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:10,267
Well, I've broken a few hearts,
but gained some good friends.
271
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:15,167
And you, dear sister,
are you still frigid?
272
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:22,033
Yes, but pleasures of the flesh
muddy the thinking.
273
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:23,566
She's right, you know.
274
00:15:23,601 --> 00:15:25,934
I saved myself
for marriage.
275
00:15:25,969 --> 00:15:29,332
Oh, come on!
276
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,734
The football team
retired her jersey.
277
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:39,934
I mean, what kind of guy
would marry her
278
00:15:39,969 --> 00:15:41,267
if she wasn't
puttin' out?
279
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:47,801
* I saw Mommy kissing
Santa Claus *
280
00:15:47,836 --> 00:15:49,601
It's Daddy!
It's Daddy!
281
00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:51,800
Ho-ho! Family!
282
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:53,301
Oh, Daddy!
283
00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:54,551
Dear heart!
284
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:55,767
Ha-ha-ha!
285
00:15:55,802 --> 00:15:57,299
Oh.
286
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:58,466
[GIGGLES]
287
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,000
There they go again.
288
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:04,199
You know those wings
you been wantin'? Yeah.
289
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:07,367
You think you can make a pair
out of this guy's kidneys?
290
00:16:07,402 --> 00:16:08,868
Hey, don't worry
about him, Bundy.
291
00:16:08,903 --> 00:16:10,232
I checked into his future.
292
00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:12,968
By the time he's 60,
his stomach is so ulcer-ridden
293
00:16:13,003 --> 00:16:14,634
that... Oh.
Oh, that's you.
294
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:18,632
Sorry, man.
Sorry.
295
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,766
So, how was
your day, honey?
296
00:16:20,801 --> 00:16:24,334
Oh, wonderful as every day
since we met.
297
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:28,200
Am I the only one
who can taste the bile?
298
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,767
Oh, by the way, dear,
I didn't have a chance
299
00:16:32,802 --> 00:16:34,332
to finish
the Christmas cookies.
300
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:37,467
I had a run-in
with a shoe salesman today.
301
00:16:37,502 --> 00:16:39,301
There she goes.
She's leavin' him.
302
00:16:39,336 --> 00:16:41,065
No one can resist
a shoe salesman.
303
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,834
I was only trying on shoes
for a couple of hours,
304
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:45,766
and he barked at me.
305
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:49,634
He was a rude, smelly,
uneducated, little man. Hmph.
306
00:16:49,669 --> 00:16:53,467
Imagine, a grown man selling
shoes for a living. Ha-ha!
307
00:16:55,868 --> 00:16:57,532
But let us remember
the old adage,
308
00:16:57,567 --> 00:17:02,934
"I lamented I had no shoes until
I saw the man who sold them. "
309
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:08,667
I'll bet you're all wondering
where your presents are.
310
00:17:08,702 --> 00:17:10,365
Oh, Father...
311
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,701
you needn't get us anything.
312
00:17:12,736 --> 00:17:13,701
What?!
313
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,599
Oh, yes.
314
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:19,501
Your love and guidance
all these years means more to us
315
00:17:19,536 --> 00:17:21,267
than any store-bought bauble.
316
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:24,232
Oh...
I...
317
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,534
I just love
you guys so much.
318
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,200
Well, gee,
this was fun.
319
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:34,766
What do we do next?
320
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,868
Go back in time to the day
I should have been conceived?
321
00:17:37,903 --> 00:17:39,868
Watch my father invent
the condom?
322
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:45,632
No.
323
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,300
No more time travel
for me.
324
00:17:47,335 --> 00:17:48,300
It gives me the runs.
325
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,866
Besides, Bundy,
you're the one that wanted
326
00:17:51,901 --> 00:17:54,200
to see what life would be like
if you'd never been born.
327
00:17:54,235 --> 00:17:55,766
So grin and bear it.
328
00:17:55,801 --> 00:18:00,132
Family, I have
a little announcement.
329
00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:04,183
I do have a special Christmas
present for everyone.
330
00:18:04,218 --> 00:18:08,200
I've watched you all suffer
in this hovel for years,
331
00:18:08,235 --> 00:18:09,766
but over the years,
332
00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:14,234
I've been saving, and that,
along with Mommy's sewing money,
333
00:18:14,269 --> 00:18:16,801
has allowed me
to buy us a new house.
334
00:18:16,836 --> 00:18:18,933
A mansion, really.
335
00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:22,434
So how about joining me
in a "Whoa, Jablonski. "
336
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:25,732
TOGETHER:
Whoa, Jablonski!
337
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:28,267
[MOUTHING]
Whoa, Jablonski?
338
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:32,632
Oh, Norman,
what a special Christmas.
339
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:36,067
Let's just stand here
and love each other.
340
00:18:36,102 --> 00:18:37,167
Kids.
341
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:42,834
I love you.
342
00:18:42,869 --> 00:18:43,851
I love you.
343
00:18:43,886 --> 00:18:44,860
I love you.
344
00:18:44,895 --> 00:18:45,864
I love you.
345
00:18:45,899 --> 00:18:47,200
I love you.
346
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:48,466
I love you.
347
00:18:48,501 --> 00:18:50,766
ALL:
I love you.
348
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:54,868
Now, that's the straw that
broke the camel's back.
349
00:18:54,903 --> 00:18:57,599
I'm sorry, Bundy.
I failed you.
350
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:59,801
I was supposed to show you
why you should live,
351
00:18:59,836 --> 00:19:01,367
but I can't think
of one darn reason.
352
00:19:02,801 --> 00:19:04,234
I'll never get
my wings now.
353
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,667
And you know what kind
of woman you get in heaven
354
00:19:07,702 --> 00:19:09,866
drivin' around
in a '78 Pinto?
355
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:11,601
The same kind of woman
you get down here
356
00:19:11,636 --> 00:19:13,467
drivin' around a '78 Pinto.
357
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:15,901
God, I'm depressed.
358
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,033
Well, that's better.
359
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:26,434
Wait a second.
360
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,934
I wanna be back
with my family.
361
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:32,265
Why?
362
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:35,667
Look at them.
They're happy.
363
00:19:35,702 --> 00:19:37,599
Not a care in the world.
364
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,599
You think I'm gonna
let that happen
365
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:42,467
after all the grief
they put me through?
366
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,499
I want to live!
367
00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:48,098
Bundy, are you serious?
368
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:49,634
That means I'm gonna
be an angel!
369
00:19:49,669 --> 00:19:51,635
I'm gonna get my wings!
370
00:19:51,670 --> 00:19:53,601
I'm gonna be a real angel!
371
00:19:53,636 --> 00:19:55,232
But first...
372
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:58,067
First I'm gonna go take
a look at my ex-wife.
373
00:19:58,102 --> 00:20:00,234
You really did love her, huh?
374
00:20:00,269 --> 00:20:01,632
No.
375
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,567
No, I just wanna put a package
of Ding Dongs just out of reach
376
00:20:04,602 --> 00:20:06,167
of her porkpie fingers.
377
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:10,234
And then, as she oozes that
thousand-pound bulk
378
00:20:10,269 --> 00:20:11,199
over the table,
379
00:20:11,234 --> 00:20:13,065
lifts up three of her chins
380
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,434
so she's able to put
one of 'em into her mouth,
381
00:20:15,469 --> 00:20:17,251
I'm gonna turn 'em
into me!
382
00:20:17,286 --> 00:20:18,943
A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
383
00:20:18,978 --> 00:20:20,822
How do you like that,
Thelma?
384
00:20:20,857 --> 00:20:22,667
Daddy's home for Christmas!
385
00:20:22,702 --> 00:20:24,699
You pig! You slut!
386
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:26,701
Take a bite of this, Shamu!
387
00:20:26,736 --> 00:20:28,234
Aah!
388
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,434
PEGGY:
Al, get up!
389
00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:41,632
Peg.
390
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,400
You know me?
391
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:46,998
Well, of course,
I know you.
392
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:49,334
Why do you think
I didn't help you up?
393
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:52,833
Come on, kids,
let's go inside.
394
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:54,934
Knowing your father,
he'll catch pneumonia,
395
00:20:54,969 --> 00:20:56,834
cough on us,
and we'll all get sick.
396
00:20:56,869 --> 00:20:58,501
Out of the way, Al.
397
00:20:58,536 --> 00:21:00,133
Yeah, you rotten...
398
00:21:00,168 --> 00:21:01,234
KELLY:
God.
399
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:04,534
[DOOR SLAMS]
400
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,666
Bud, quick...
401
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:12,384
What's more important:
love or money?
402
00:21:12,419 --> 00:21:15,067
Well, money, Dad.
I can always rent love.
403
00:21:15,102 --> 00:21:16,133
[LAUGHS]
404
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,332
Kelly, quick...
405
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:20,200
What's the color
of an orange?
406
00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:21,601
No multiple choice?
407
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:25,634
You mean, just straight
off the top of my head?
408
00:21:25,669 --> 00:21:27,801
Ha, no. Don't worry
about it, pumpkin.
409
00:21:27,836 --> 00:21:29,934
Peg, bake me
some Christmas cookies.
410
00:21:29,969 --> 00:21:31,299
Drop dead, Al.
411
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:32,434
[LAUGHING]
All right!
412
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,899
Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood.
413
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:38,834
You know, they raised
the Christmas platter
414
00:21:38,869 --> 00:21:40,265
at Denny's 50 cents.
415
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:44,100
So we had to go to the Spud Hut
for their Holiday Tater Feast.
416
00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:47,432
Thanks a lot, Al.
417
00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:50,033
This is the worst
Christmas I've ever had.
418
00:21:50,068 --> 00:21:51,868
Yeah, me too.
This reeks.
419
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,801
Just a regular orange?
420
00:21:56,836 --> 00:21:58,666
[LAUGHS]
421
00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:00,667
I've got my family back.
422
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:05,100
ANGEL:
Okay, heaven, I'm back.
423
00:22:05,135 --> 00:22:07,332
Open up the gates.
424
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,434
What do you mean,
where's my badge?
425
00:22:09,469 --> 00:22:11,568
It's in my luggage.
426
00:22:11,603 --> 00:22:14,335
They lost my luggage?
427
00:22:14,370 --> 00:22:17,067
Ow, ow.
Ow! Aah!
428
00:22:29,634 --> 00:22:31,067
[***]
429
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,100
* It's beginning
To look a lot like Christmas *
430
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:39,199
* Everywhere you go *
431
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:40,701
* Take a look
In the five-and-ten *
432
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:42,734
* Glistenin' once again *
433
00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,968
* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *
434
00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,434
* It's beginning
To look a lot like Christmas *
435
00:22:50,267 --> 00:22:51,634
* Toys in every store *
436
00:22:52,934 --> 00:22:54,334
* But the prettiest sight
To see *
437
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:56,434
* Is the holly that will be *
438
00:22:57,367 --> 00:22:58,434
* On your own front door *
439
00:22:59,133 --> 00:23:00,133
* On your own *
440
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:02,100
* Front *
441
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:04,367
* Door *
442
00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:06,434
CHORUS:
Merry Christmas!1
00:00:03,167 --> 00:00:05,400
[***]
2
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,801
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
3
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:28,133
Boy, I love the rain.
4
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:30,667
Have ever since
I was a little boy.
5
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:36,400
Dad used to say
rain is the sound
of angels flushing.
6
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,667
Good night, Peg
7
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:41,434
Oh, Al...
8
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:45,267
Ah, no, Peg, I'm tired.
9
00:01:45,267 --> 00:01:48,701
Aw, come on, honey.
You don't have to be awake.
10
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:54,067
Just the usual, "I'm done,
how about you?" will be fine.
11
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:55,267
Oh, come on.
12
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:56,767
Look, let's compromise.
13
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:59,033
I'll set the alarm
clock for 2.
14
00:01:59,033 --> 00:02:01,000
That way you can get
a little rest.
15
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,634
And I'll while away
the time listening
to your body ferment.
16
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:07,367
Great, I'm the only guy
in the world
17
00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:09,901
that has to wake up
to have a nightmare.
18
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:14,701
Good night, honey.
19
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,767
Good night.
I'll see you at 2.
20
00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:28,868
[WHEEZES]
21
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:38,000
Peg...
22
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,334
Peg the roof's
leaking.
23
00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:41,234
It's raining
on the bed.
24
00:02:41,234 --> 00:02:44,534
Well, it's nice and dry
on my side, honey.
25
00:02:44,534 --> 00:02:47,567
You mean you'd switch
with me, Peg?
26
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,701
No. Oh, come on, Al.
27
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:51,801
Let's do it.
28
00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:54,667
Show Mommy you can
beat the lightning.
29
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:56,567
I'm gonna
fix the roof.
30
00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,367
Now, why would you
want to go up there
31
00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:02,567
when you could
stay here and fix me?
32
00:03:04,634 --> 00:03:05,868
Because when
I'm done,
33
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:07,968
the roof won't ask me
to fix it again.
34
00:03:09,968 --> 00:03:11,501
[SIGHS]
35
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:16,801
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
36
00:03:16,801 --> 00:03:18,534
Bud! Kelly!
37
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,968
What is it, Mom?
Creditors?
38
00:03:22,968 --> 00:03:24,100
I'll go boil
the water.
39
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,968
No, no, no.
Not this time.
40
00:03:25,968 --> 00:03:27,567
Now, sit down, kids.
41
00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:31,634
Now, look.
42
00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:34,634
I know sometimes
you feel you don't see
enough of your dad.
43
00:03:34,634 --> 00:03:37,634
And you think he's maybe
too busy to care for us.
44
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,968
Well, get ready,
45
00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,834
'cause your father
is about to do something for us
46
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:43,200
that we'll never forget.
47
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,634
And I want us all
to enjoy it as a family.
48
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:48,534
Now, just look over
at that window.
49
00:03:48,534 --> 00:03:51,400
About...now.
50
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,834
[AL SCREAMS]
51
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:57,300
All right.
That was good.
52
00:03:57,300 --> 00:04:00,167
That was really great.
So good.
53
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,167
Okay, kids,
back to bed.
54
00:04:03,167 --> 00:04:06,100
Ah, thanks, Mom.
Tell Dad he was cool.
55
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,133
Yeah.
56
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,467
You know, I'm gonna do
something special for him.
57
00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:14,968
I'm gonna give him back
his wallet.
58
00:04:14,968 --> 00:04:17,300
B-but not the cash.
[SCOFFS]
59
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:18,934
We didn't
see him land. Ha.
60
00:04:24,267 --> 00:04:25,901
[AL GROANING]
61
00:04:33,234 --> 00:04:37,767
One fifty-seven...
Ha, ha.
62
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:44,334
Oh, honey.
You fell.
63
00:04:45,734 --> 00:04:48,067
Yes, cupcake.
64
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:49,567
I fell.
65
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:55,834
But obviously
not far enough.
66
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:58,467
Poor baby.
You must be hurt.
67
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:00,234
Why don't you
go to sleep now.
68
00:05:04,601 --> 00:05:05,968
[SIGHS]
69
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,601
[ALARM CLOCK
BUZZING]
70
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,267
Well, I'll be
darned.
71
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:19,300
Is it 2 already?
72
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:20,701
[LAUGHS]
73
00:05:20,701 --> 00:05:22,167
All aboard.
74
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:27,434
[HEAVY SPLASHING]
75
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,267
Boy...
76
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:33,334
Look at that
rain come down.
77
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,634
It's not fit
for man or beast.
78
00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:40,000
All right, who's
going up with me?
79
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,200
Besides Bud.
80
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:45,901
Dad...if you really
expect someone
81
00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:47,868
to go up on
that roof with you,
82
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:49,467
they'd have
to be a total moron.
83
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,667
Oh, no. I'm not
going up there.
84
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,968
Al, be sensible.
85
00:05:56,968 --> 00:05:58,634
Just call
a professional roofer.
86
00:05:58,634 --> 00:05:59,868
There.
87
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:03,834
Right there, Peg,
is the problem with America.
88
00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:06,567
We've lost our spirit
of self-reliance.
89
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,968
Something's leaking:
Call someone.
90
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,167
Something's broken:
Call someone.
91
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:14,200
One of the kids suffers a
ruptured appendix: Call someone.
92
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,501
Whatever happened
to the old American spirit
93
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:19,434
of "I can fix it myself"?
94
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:22,467
What happened to
rugged American manhood?
95
00:06:22,467 --> 00:06:23,901
We don't know yet, Dad.
96
00:06:23,901 --> 00:06:25,868
Kelly's tests aren't back
from the lab.
97
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,567
Chew Dad's sock.
98
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,534
Eat Mom's food.
99
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,701
We're missing
the point here.
100
00:06:39,701 --> 00:06:42,601
I want to inspire you guys
to great heights.
101
00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:44,400
Bud, you could be
a doctor or a lawyer.
102
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:45,801
Kelly...
103
00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:51,334
Mm. You could button
your own coat.
104
00:06:51,334 --> 00:06:54,300
Anyhow, I want you guys to see
what one Bundy can accomplish.
105
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:57,067
I want you to say, "There's
no task Daddy can't do."
106
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,567
Then they'd better not ask me.
107
00:06:58,567 --> 00:06:59,634
[LAUGHS]
108
00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:03,234
Dent a cushion,
Peg.
109
00:07:03,234 --> 00:07:04,501
Anyhow, guys,
110
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:06,634
Bundy men have always been
masters of their fate.
111
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:10,467
Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure
knew his way around a toolbox.
112
00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:12,467
There was a fixin' man.
113
00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:14,467
You mean,
Grandpa Hook?
114
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,767
Yeah, well, circular saws
were new back then.
115
00:07:20,534 --> 00:07:24,801
But, damn it, he carved his own
hook afterwards. He carried on.
116
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:26,667
You didn't see him
calling someone.
117
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,567
Well, it would have been
difficult for him
118
00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:31,133
to hold the phone.
119
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:34,133
You know, he only had one finger
left on that other hand.
120
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:36,467
After that mix-up
with the nail gun.
121
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,868
One finger is all
a real American needs.
122
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,901
Scoff if you will...
123
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,734
but Grandpa Hook's blood
runs in my veins.
124
00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:52,667
I will fix this roof
125
00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:55,033
and show you all
that Daddy can do it.
126
00:07:58,033 --> 00:07:59,467
Mom, does this mean
127
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:02,767
that Daddy's too cheap
to call a roofer?
128
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:05,701
Now, honey, let's give
your father some credit.
129
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:07,200
He may just be
too stupid.
130
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,701
[SNICKERS]
131
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:10,534
Now, we all know
Daddy's gonna fall.
132
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:12,434
You know what
you've got to do.
133
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:14,400
Get the camera.
Get the camera.
134
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,200
No. We actually
have enough pictures
135
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,067
of Daddy on the floor
in the wedding album.
136
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:23,767
Go get the old wading pool
out of the garage,
137
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:26,100
paint "Here comes stupid"
on the bottom of it
138
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,300
and hold it
under him.
139
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:32,934
Well, that pool's
kind of old.
140
00:08:32,934 --> 00:08:35,100
Won't Dad fall
right through it?
141
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,868
We'll just hold it
closer to the ground.
142
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,634
God, you're
a moron. Ugh!
143
00:08:58,968 --> 00:09:02,667
Peggy...you won't believe
the good news.
144
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:05,334
Steve just called.
He finally got a job.
145
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:07,033
He sounded very excited.
146
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:08,534
Well, what's
he gonna be doing?
147
00:09:08,534 --> 00:09:10,234
I don't know,
but I bet it's big.
148
00:09:10,234 --> 00:09:12,567
He sounded like the old Steve
on the phone.
149
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:15,434
Confident, proud,
moneygrubbing.
150
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,801
Oh, I can't wait
to see him.
151
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:20,100
His tie swinging
erectly in the wind.
152
00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:25,200
His taut buttocks
yearning to break free
153
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,634
from their gabardine bonds.
154
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:27,801
Ohh!
155
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,033
Peggy, I finally
have my Steve back.
156
00:09:30,033 --> 00:09:31,334
So here.
157
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:34,534
I'm returning
your shower massage.
Oh, ho.
158
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:41,234
If only it could
take out the garbage, huh?
159
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:42,434
[LAUGHS]
160
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:48,701
Oh, hi, Marcie.
161
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,067
I'm glad you're here.
162
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,968
Bring that second income
to Mommy.
163
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:54,267
How much are you making?
164
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:58,434
Well, uh, Marcie, now,
it's not how much you make,
165
00:09:58,434 --> 00:10:00,934
it's how meaningful
the work is to you.
166
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:04,334
Sure it is.
How much?
167
00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:08,133
Well, actually,
I'm making $3.40 an hour.
168
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:11,501
What do you do?
169
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:13,734
Dance in the park
in your underwear?
170
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,701
You happen to be looking at
the new pet handler
171
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:21,133
and executive cage cleaner
at Slithers...
172
00:10:21,133 --> 00:10:24,734
Chicago's fifth-largest
exotic pet emporium.
173
00:10:24,734 --> 00:10:27,968
Ahem. I guess you'll be
wanting this back.
174
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:32,534
Oh, Marcie, it's the greatest
job in the world.
175
00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:35,000
And I brought home
a little friend.
176
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,734
It's Scoopie.
177
00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:41,767
Scoopie is
a Peruvian devil gerbil.
178
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,167
But don't let the name
fool you.
179
00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:44,801
He's really
quite friendly.
180
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:47,701
Only the female of the species
is actually poisonous.
181
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:50,934
Oh, isn't he cute?
182
00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:53,968
Bud, Kelly,
come see this!
183
00:10:58,167 --> 00:10:59,868
AL:
Ah, no. Ow!
184
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,901
What is that,
Mom?
185
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:12,100
Oh, cool.
Food!
186
00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:15,100
I'll get the mayo!
Okay.
187
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:16,100
Hey, hey, hey!
188
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,601
This is not food,
you druids.
189
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:22,567
This is love on paws.
Look.
190
00:11:23,601 --> 00:11:26,267
You must be
very proud, Marcie.
191
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:28,067
Proud as punch.
192
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,434
Why, Steve, this is
just the beginning.
193
00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:32,167
With hard work and study,
194
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:33,801
you could actually
work your way up
195
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:36,934
to cleaning up the doody
of even bigger animals.
196
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:38,501
Maybe even people.
197
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,434
Ah, come on, Marcie.
198
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:46,067
Here. Just let him
nest on your shoulder.
199
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:48,334
Bond with him.
Ah! Steve!
200
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:51,400
He's crawling
down my blouse.
201
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,133
He's biting me!
202
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:57,100
Oh, Marcie, believe me,
if he were biting you,
203
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,300
it'd be a lot
more painful.
204
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,868
You'd be screaming
and everything.
205
00:11:59,868 --> 00:12:01,734
[SHRIEKING]
206
00:12:03,901 --> 00:12:06,100
Marcie,
he's just playing!
207
00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:10,200
Don't roll on the lawn!
You'll hurt him!
208
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,501
Oh, poor Marcie!
209
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:17,067
Help me.
210
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,367
I wish there was something
we could do for her.
211
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:21,167
I hate to see people
in pain.
212
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:24,133
I'm dying.
213
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,901
Al, you're tracking
mud on the carpet.
214
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:30,601
Well, it's not
all mud.
215
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:32,567
Some of it's
colon.
216
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,701
So did you fix
the roof, Daddy?
217
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,534
No, pumpkin, I didn't.
218
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:46,334
When I got up there,
I saw this hole,
219
00:12:46,334 --> 00:12:48,934
but I figured it'd be a lot
more fun to take a header
220
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,801
off the roof into the yard.
221
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,734
Of course I fixed it.
222
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:55,634
I said I'd fix it
and I fixed it.
223
00:12:55,634 --> 00:12:59,133
So I guess we all know
what Daddy can do now.
224
00:13:02,701 --> 00:13:05,901
Loser no more,
eh, Dad?
225
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,467
Can we call
a roofer now?
226
00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:08,567
No, we can't.
227
00:13:08,567 --> 00:13:10,234
I'm going back up there.
228
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:12,400
But this I'm going up
with the right equipment.
229
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,634
A Wile E. Coyote
mask?
230
00:13:18,701 --> 00:13:19,901
No, my love.
231
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:22,667
The thing to do is to have
the right shoe.
232
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:26,234
And the left one too, Dad.
233
00:13:28,801 --> 00:13:30,334
Thank you, honey.
234
00:13:30,334 --> 00:13:33,601
Now, damn it, I said I'd fix
that roof, and fix it I will!
235
00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:35,467
This is one man against nature.
236
00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:37,667
And that man happens to be
Al Bundy.
237
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:42,367
And as God is my witness...
I'll never be wet again!
238
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:53,100
[RAIN DRIPPING
INTO POTS IN TIME]
239
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,601
* I got sunshine *
240
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:01,901
* On a cloudy day *
241
00:14:04,801 --> 00:14:07,300
* When it's cold outsi-- *
Shut up, Peg.
242
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:12,033
How many more holes
did you put in the roof
243
00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:15,133
by walking on it
in spiked golf shoes?
244
00:14:18,701 --> 00:14:20,834
Oh, and, uh,
by the way, honey...
245
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:24,634
this time on your way down,
you took out our TV antenna.
246
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:25,801
I'm sorry, Peg,
247
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:29,234
but I needed something
to break my fall.
248
00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:33,901
Since there was no live wire
or your neck handy...
249
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:35,968
I grabbed the first thing
that hit my face.
250
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,434
Well, you know, our reception
is shot to hell.
251
00:14:40,434 --> 00:14:42,167
Well, I'm sorry, Peg.
252
00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:46,734
Had I known you wanted
to watch Dallas tonight,
253
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:48,801
I would have just put
my hands behind my back
254
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:52,033
and slalomed head first
onto the patio.
255
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,801
Are you ready
to give up yet?
256
00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:59,200
I am not.
257
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,634
Just so happens that I have
three unbroken bones yet.
258
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,167
I'll see y'all-- I'll see
y'all drown before I quit.
259
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:07,033
Good night, Peg.
260
00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:08,634
Good night, honey.
261
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:10,400
Turn out the light.
262
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,634
[ELECTRICITY
CRACKLING]
263
00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:18,834
Oh, and be careful, Al.
264
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,334
[SNIFFS]
265
00:15:20,334 --> 00:15:23,601
God, it smells
like ham in here.
266
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,701
[LAUGHS]
267
00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:39,534
Bud, what are you
watching?
268
00:15:39,534 --> 00:15:41,868
There's nothing
but snow on the TV.
269
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:46,133
Gee, looks great
to me.
270
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:48,067
Too bad you don't
have the special
271
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:52,534
TV-reception
adaptor glasses...
272
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,400
like I do.
273
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,033
Well, I want to
see TV too.
274
00:15:57,033 --> 00:15:58,734
Well, you can't.
275
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,300
I've only got one pair.
276
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:04,634
Would you, uh,
like to buy mine?
277
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:08,634
How much?
278
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,067
For you, 20 bucks.
279
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:13,534
I don't trust you.
280
00:16:13,534 --> 00:16:14,567
Fine.
281
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:15,801
Hey.
282
00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:20,467
The new Guns N' Roses
video is coming on.
283
00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:22,701
Does Axl ever
wear a shirt?
284
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:24,200
[SCOFFS]
285
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,534
Give me. Ha-ha.
286
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:30,267
Hey, I don't see
anything.
287
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,467
Oh, great,
you broke them.
288
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:38,834
Now neither of us
can watch TV.
289
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:54,000
Hey, Mom, I broke
my reception glasses.
290
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,567
Well, be more careful
next time.
291
00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:01,567
Can't we get someone
who can fix the roof and the TV?
292
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:03,868
Oh. Honey...
293
00:17:03,868 --> 00:17:06,734
your daddy wants to take
one more shot at it.
294
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,167
And if I stopped your father
every time he failed,
295
00:17:09,167 --> 00:17:11,400
we never would have had
you or Bud.
296
00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:30,634
I'm ready.
297
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:33,834
What do you think
of Daddy now?
298
00:17:35,434 --> 00:17:40,033
Gee, Al. Heh. You built
a moron-on-the-roof suit.
299
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:45,300
Good luck, you say?
Don't need it.
300
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,734
I'm cushioned
by your love.
301
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:52,133
I will now proceed
to fix the roof and the TV...
302
00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:53,300
and prove once again
303
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:54,901
that with intelligence
and vision,
304
00:17:54,901 --> 00:17:57,567
one man alone can
face any challenge.
305
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:03,434
Now, if someone would just
rock me to break the suction,
306
00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:04,734
I'll be on my way.
307
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,734
[SUCTION CUP SOUNDS]
308
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,567
I think "wow"
just about covers it.
309
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,300
Ah, Peggy...
310
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:23,601
Marcie had a little
reaction
311
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:25,601
to the Peruvian
devil gerbil bite.
312
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,801
By the way, I goofed.
I took home the poisonous one.
313
00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:32,434
But that's spilt milk.
314
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:34,501
Anyhow, she's
a little self-conscious.
315
00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:38,100
Could you just reassure her
that she looks perfectly okay?
316
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,367
Come show Peggy, honey.
317
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,400
Now, I ask you...
318
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,701
is there any reason
319
00:19:03,701 --> 00:19:05,901
why this woman
shouldn't go to work?
320
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:11,167
[GROANS QUIETLY]
321
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:15,634
Ah, gee, Marcie...
you look...fine.
322
00:19:15,634 --> 00:19:17,367
Very natural.
323
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,801
What do you think, Kelly?
324
00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:21,968
I don't know. I've never
really looked at her before.
325
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:26,234
I have a hump,
you bimbo!
326
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,467
Didn't you always?
327
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,300
Marcie...
328
00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:41,734
why don't we just get
to the real reason you're angry.
329
00:19:41,734 --> 00:19:44,801
It's not that awful, disgusting,
pus-filled hump at all.
330
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,501
It's your small spirit.
331
00:19:49,501 --> 00:19:52,434
You're just jealous because
I'm pursuing my dream.
332
00:19:52,434 --> 00:19:54,767
What dream would
that be, Steve?
333
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:58,934
To have a wife
named Igor?
334
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,934
[AL SCREAMS]
335
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,467
What was that?
336
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:15,901
Oh, pay no attention.
337
00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:18,868
That's just Al
falling off the roof. Heh.
338
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:21,801
But, you know, I'm really
concerned about the two of you.
339
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:29,701
I mean, there's no reason
for a hunchback
340
00:20:29,701 --> 00:20:32,033
and a doody scooper
to fight.
341
00:20:33,501 --> 00:20:35,200
Now, aren't you
ashamed?
342
00:20:40,901 --> 00:20:42,834
I'm sorry, Steve.
343
00:20:42,834 --> 00:20:45,467
Let's go home
and...cuddle.
344
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:50,934
After you, my love.
345
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:04,200
Hey, Mom.
346
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,033
Should we be worried
that Daddy's up there
347
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:08,000
with metal tools
in a lightning storm?
348
00:21:10,734 --> 00:21:13,067
Well, who wants
to go tell him?
349
00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,901
Well, I'll catch a cold.
My hair will get all messed up.
350
00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:19,868
Then I'll hear
no more about it.
351
00:21:19,868 --> 00:21:21,767
Mom, why can't we
call a roofer?
352
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:23,367
I mean, if it gets
any wetter in here,
353
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:26,033
the whole house
is gonna look like Bud's bed.
354
00:21:30,801 --> 00:21:32,300
Hey, wait a minute,
kids.
355
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:35,200
It stopped
leaking.
356
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,767
You mean,
Dad actually did it?
357
00:21:38,868 --> 00:21:40,367
Hey, Dad!
358
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:42,133
The roof stopped
leaking!
359
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:44,501
AL:
Was there ever
any doubt?
360
00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:47,767
Honey! Don't forget
to fix the antenna!
361
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:50,934
AL:
No problem!
Daddy can do it!
362
00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:53,934
How is it?!
363
00:21:53,934 --> 00:21:56,367
Still fuzzy.
364
00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:58,033
How about now?
365
00:21:58,033 --> 00:21:59,167
Oh, it's better.
366
00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:01,601
Keep doing what
you're doing!
367
00:22:01,601 --> 00:22:03,934
How about no--
Ahh!
368
00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:11,334
It's perfect,
Al!
369
00:22:12,868 --> 00:22:14,200
Oh, you know kids,
370
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,601
we ridiculed him
and made fun of him--
371
00:22:17,601 --> 00:22:19,300
Help me!
372
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:22,701
But, you know,
this time we have to admit...
373
00:22:22,701 --> 00:22:24,200
Daddy did it.
374
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,200
AL:
Help!
375
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,267
Help me!
376
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:41,501
[***]1
00:00:03,167 --> 00:00:05,400
[***]
2
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,801
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
3
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:28,098
Boy, I love the rain.
4
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:30,632
Have ever since
I was a little boy.
5
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:36,400
Dad used to say rain is the
sound of angels flushing.
6
00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:37,667
Good night, Peg
7
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:41,399
Oh, Al...
8
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:45,232
Ah, no, Peg, I'm tired.
9
00:01:45,267 --> 00:01:48,666
Aw, come on, honey.
You don't have to be awake.
10
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:54,067
Just the usual, "I'm done,
how about you?" will be fine.
11
00:01:54,102 --> 00:01:55,232
Oh, come on.
12
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:56,732
Look, let's compromise.
13
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:58,883
I'll set the alarm
clock for 2.
14
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:00,965
That way you can get
a little rest.
15
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,634
And I'll while away the time
listening to your body ferment.
16
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:07,834
Great, I'm the only guy
in the world
17
00:02:07,869 --> 00:02:09,901
that has to wake up
to have a nightmare.
18
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:14,666
Good night, honey.
19
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,767
Good night.
I'll see you at 2.
20
00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:28,868
[WHEEZES]
21
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:37,965
Peg...
22
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,617
Peg the roof's
leaking.
23
00:02:39,652 --> 00:02:41,199
It's raining
on the bed.
24
00:02:41,234 --> 00:02:44,534
Well, it's nice and dry
on my side, honey.
25
00:02:44,569 --> 00:02:47,567
You mean you'd switch
with me, Peg?
26
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:50,701
No. Oh, come on, Al.
27
00:02:50,736 --> 00:02:51,766
Let's do it.
28
00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:54,667
Show Mommy you can
beat the lightning.
29
00:02:54,702 --> 00:02:56,532
I'm gonna
fix the roof.
30
00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:59,567
Now, why would you
want to go up there
31
00:02:59,602 --> 00:03:02,567
when you could
stay here and fix me?
32
00:03:04,634 --> 00:03:05,833
Because when
I'm done,
33
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:07,968
the roof won't ask me
to fix it again.
34
00:03:09,968 --> 00:03:11,501
[SIGHS]
35
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:16,801
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
36
00:03:16,836 --> 00:03:18,534
Bud! Kelly!
37
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,133
What is it, Mom?
Creditors?
38
00:03:22,168 --> 00:03:24,068
I'll go boil
the water.
39
00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:25,968
No, no, no.
Not this time.
40
00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:27,567
Now, sit down, kids.
41
00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:31,599
Now, look.
42
00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:34,634
I know sometimes you feel you
don't see enough of your dad.
43
00:03:34,669 --> 00:03:37,634
And you think he's maybe
too busy to care for us.
44
00:03:37,669 --> 00:03:38,933
Well, get ready,
45
00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,834
'cause your father
is about to do something for us
46
00:03:41,869 --> 00:03:43,165
that we'll never forget.
47
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,634
And I want us all
to enjoy it as a family.
48
00:03:45,669 --> 00:03:48,534
Now, just look over
at that window.
49
00:03:48,569 --> 00:03:50,701
About... now.
50
00:03:50,736 --> 00:03:52,834
[AL SCREAMS]
51
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:57,265
All right.
That was good.
52
00:03:57,300 --> 00:04:00,167
That was really great.
So good.
53
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,132
Okay, kids,
back to bed.
54
00:04:03,167 --> 00:04:06,100
Ah, thanks, Mom.
Tell Dad he was cool.
55
00:04:06,135 --> 00:04:07,133
Yeah.
56
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,467
You know, I'm gonna do
something special for him.
57
00:04:11,502 --> 00:04:14,968
I'm gonna give him back
his wallet.
58
00:04:15,003 --> 00:04:16,968
B- but not the cash.
[SCOFFS]
59
00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:18,934
We didn't
see him land. Ha.
60
00:04:24,267 --> 00:04:25,901
[AL GROANING]
61
00:04:33,234 --> 00:04:37,767
One fifty-seven...
Ha, ha.
62
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:44,334
Oh, honey.
You fell.
63
00:04:45,734 --> 00:04:48,067
Yes, cupcake.
64
00:04:48,102 --> 00:04:49,567
I fell.
65
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:55,267
But obviously
not far enough.
66
00:04:55,302 --> 00:04:57,768
Poor baby.
You must be hurt.
67
00:04:57,803 --> 00:05:00,234
Why don't you
go to sleep now.
68
00:05:04,601 --> 00:05:05,968
[SIGHS]
69
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,601
[ALARM CLOCK
BUZZING]
70
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,267
Well, I'll be
darned.
71
00:05:17,302 --> 00:05:19,300
Is it 2 already?
72
00:05:19,335 --> 00:05:20,751
[LAUGHS]
73
00:05:20,786 --> 00:05:22,167
All aboard.
74
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:27,434
[HEAVY SPLASHING]
75
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,232
Boy...
76
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:33,450
Look at that
rain come down.
77
00:05:33,485 --> 00:05:35,634
It's not fit
for man or beast.
78
00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:40,000
All right, who's
going up with me?
79
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,200
Besides Bud.
80
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:46,051
Dad... if you really
expect someone
81
00:05:46,086 --> 00:05:47,776
to go up on
that roof with you,
82
00:05:47,811 --> 00:05:49,467
they'd have
to be a total moron.
83
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,667
Oh, no. I'm not
going up there.
84
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,933
Al, be sensible.
85
00:05:56,968 --> 00:05:58,634
Just call
a professional roofer.
86
00:05:58,669 --> 00:05:59,833
There.
87
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:03,834
Right there, Peg,
is the problem with America.
88
00:06:03,869 --> 00:06:06,567
We've lost our spirit
of self-reliance.
89
00:06:06,602 --> 00:06:08,884
Something's leaking:
Call someone.
90
00:06:08,919 --> 00:06:11,132
Something's broken:
Call someone.
91
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:14,200
One of the kids suffers a
ruptured appendix: Call someone.
92
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,501
Whatever happened
to the old American spirit
93
00:06:17,536 --> 00:06:19,399
of "I can fix it myself"?
94
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:22,467
What happened to
rugged American manhood?
95
00:06:22,502 --> 00:06:23,866
We don't know yet, Dad.
96
00:06:23,901 --> 00:06:25,868
Kelly's tests aren't back
from the lab.
97
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,600
Chew Dad's sock.
98
00:06:33,635 --> 00:06:35,534
Eat Mom's food.
99
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,666
We're missing
the point here.
100
00:06:39,701 --> 00:06:42,601
I want to inspire you guys
to great heights.
101
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,400
Bud, you could be
a doctor or a lawyer.
102
00:06:44,435 --> 00:06:45,801
Kelly...
103
00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:51,299
Mm. You could button
your own coat.
104
00:06:51,334 --> 00:06:54,300
Anyhow, I want you guys to see
what one Bundy can accomplish.
105
00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:57,067
I want you to say, "There's
no task Daddy can't do. "
106
00:06:57,102 --> 00:06:58,567
Then they'd better not ask me.
107
00:06:58,602 --> 00:06:59,634
[LAUGHS]
108
00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:03,234
Dent a cushion,
Peg.
109
00:07:03,269 --> 00:07:04,466
Anyhow, guys,
110
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:06,599
Bundy men have always been
masters of their fate.
111
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:10,467
Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure
knew his way around a toolbox.
112
00:07:10,502 --> 00:07:12,484
There was a fixin' man.
113
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,467
You mean,
Grandpa Hook?
114
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,767
Yeah, well, circular saws
were new back then.
115
00:07:20,534 --> 00:07:24,801
But, damn it, he carved his own
hook afterwards. He carried on.
116
00:07:24,836 --> 00:07:26,632
You didn't see him
calling someone.
117
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,567
Well, it would have been
difficult for him
118
00:07:28,602 --> 00:07:31,098
to hold the phone.
119
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:34,133
You know, he only had one finger
left on that other hand.
120
00:07:34,168 --> 00:07:36,467
After that mix-up
with the nail gun.
121
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,868
One finger is all
a real American needs.
122
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,866
Scoff if you will...
123
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,734
but Grandpa Hook's blood
runs in my veins.
124
00:07:50,769 --> 00:07:52,632
I will fix this roof
125
00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:55,033
and show you all
that Daddy can do it.
126
00:07:58,033 --> 00:07:59,432
Mom, does this mean
127
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:02,732
that Daddy's too cheap
to call a roofer?
128
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:05,701
Now, honey, let's give
your father some credit.
129
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,200
He may just be
too stupid.
130
00:08:07,235 --> 00:08:08,666
[SNICKERS]
131
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:10,534
Now, we all know
Daddy's gonna fall.
132
00:08:10,569 --> 00:08:12,484
You know what
you've got to do.
133
00:08:12,519 --> 00:08:14,365
Get the camera.
Get the camera.
134
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,165
No. We actually
have enough pictures
135
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,483
of Daddy on the floor
in the wedding album.
136
00:08:20,518 --> 00:08:23,309
Go get the old wading pool
out of the garage,
137
00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:26,100
paint "Here comes stupid"
on the bottom of it
138
00:08:26,135 --> 00:08:28,300
and hold it
under him.
139
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,333
Well, that pool's
kind of old.
140
00:08:33,368 --> 00:08:35,065
Won't Dad fall
right through it?
141
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,868
We'll just hold it
closer to the ground.
142
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,634
God, you're
a moron. Ugh!
143
00:08:58,968 --> 00:09:02,151
Peggy... you won't believe
the good news.
144
00:09:02,186 --> 00:09:05,334
Steve just called.
He finally got a job.
145
00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:06,998
He sounded very excited.
146
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:08,633
Well, what's
he gonna be doing?
147
00:09:08,668 --> 00:09:10,199
I don't know,
but I bet it's big.
148
00:09:10,234 --> 00:09:12,567
He sounded like the old Steve
on the phone.
149
00:09:12,602 --> 00:09:15,201
Confident, proud,
moneygrubbing.
150
00:09:15,236 --> 00:09:17,766
Oh, I can't wait
to see him.
151
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:20,100
His tie swinging
erectly in the wind.
152
00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:25,200
His taut buttocks
yearning to break free
153
00:09:25,235 --> 00:09:26,634
from their gabardine bonds.
154
00:09:26,669 --> 00:09:27,766
Ohh!
155
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,033
Peggy, I finally
have my Steve back.
156
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:31,299
So here.
157
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:34,534
I'm returning your
shower massage. Oh, ho.
158
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:41,234
If only it could
take out the garbage, huh?
159
00:09:41,269 --> 00:09:42,434
[LAUGHS]
160
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:48,666
Oh, hi, Marcie.
161
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,032
I'm glad you're here.
162
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,968
Bring that second income
to Mommy.
163
00:09:53,003 --> 00:09:54,232
How much are you making?
164
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:58,434
Well, uh, Marcie, now,
it's not how much you make,
165
00:09:58,469 --> 00:10:00,934
it's how meaningful
the work is to you.
166
00:10:00,969 --> 00:10:04,299
Sure it is.
How much?
167
00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:08,133
Well, actually,
I'm making $3.40 an hour.
168
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:11,466
What do you do?
169
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:13,734
Dance in the park
in your underwear?
170
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,701
You happen to be looking at
the new pet handler
171
00:10:17,736 --> 00:10:21,235
and executive cage cleaner
at Slithers...
172
00:10:21,270 --> 00:10:24,619
Chicago's fifth-largest
exotic pet emporium.
173
00:10:24,654 --> 00:10:27,968
Ahem. I guess you'll be
wanting this back.
174
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:32,534
Oh, Marcie, it's the greatest
job in the world.
175
00:10:32,569 --> 00:10:35,000
And I brought home
a little friend.
176
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,699
It's Scoopie.
177
00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:40,450
Scoopie is
a Peruvian devil gerbil.
178
00:10:40,485 --> 00:10:43,167
But don't let the name
fool you.
179
00:10:43,202 --> 00:10:44,766
He's really
quite friendly.
180
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:47,701
Only the female of the species
is actually poisonous.
181
00:10:47,736 --> 00:10:50,899
Oh, isn't he cute?
182
00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:53,968
Bud, Kelly,
come see this!
183
00:10:58,167 --> 00:10:59,868
AL:
Ah, no. Ow!
184
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,150
What is that,
Mom?
185
00:11:10,185 --> 00:11:12,100
Oh, cool.
Food!
186
00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:15,100
I'll get the mayo!
Okay.
187
00:11:15,135 --> 00:11:16,065
Hey, hey, hey!
188
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,601
This is not food,
you druids.
189
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:22,567
This is love on paws.
Look.
190
00:11:23,601 --> 00:11:26,267
You must be
very proud, Marcie.
191
00:11:26,302 --> 00:11:28,032
Proud as punch.
192
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,434
Why, Steve, this is
just the beginning.
193
00:11:30,469 --> 00:11:32,132
With hard work and study,
194
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:33,766
you could actually
work your way up
195
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:36,934
to cleaning up the doody
of even bigger animals.
196
00:11:36,969 --> 00:11:38,501
Maybe even people.
197
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,434
Ah, come on, Marcie.
198
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:46,067
Here. Just let him
nest on your shoulder.
199
00:11:46,102 --> 00:11:48,334
Bond with him.
Ah! Steve!
200
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:51,400
He's crawling
down my blouse.
201
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,098
He's biting me!
202
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:57,100
Oh, Marcie, believe me,
if he were biting you,
203
00:11:57,135 --> 00:11:58,265
it'd be a lot
more painful.
204
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,868
You'd be screaming
and everything.
205
00:11:59,903 --> 00:12:01,734
[SHRIEKING]
206
00:12:03,901 --> 00:12:06,100
Marcie,
he's just playing!
207
00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:10,200
Don't roll on the lawn!
You'll hurt him!
208
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,501
Oh, poor Marcie!
209
00:12:14,536 --> 00:12:17,032
Help me.
210
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,367
I wish there was something
we could do for her.
211
00:12:19,402 --> 00:12:21,167
I hate to see people
in pain.
212
00:12:21,202 --> 00:12:24,098
I'm dying.
213
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,901
Al, you're tracking
mud on the carpet.
214
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:30,684
Well, it's not
all mud.
215
00:12:30,719 --> 00:12:32,567
Some of it's
colon.
216
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,701
So did you fix
the roof, Daddy?
217
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,499
No, pumpkin, I didn't.
218
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:46,299
When I got up there,
I saw this hole,
219
00:12:46,334 --> 00:12:48,934
but I figured it'd be a lot
more fun to take a header
220
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,801
off the roof into the yard.
221
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,699
Of course I fixed it.
222
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:55,599
I said I'd fix it
and I fixed it.
223
00:12:55,634 --> 00:12:59,133
So I guess we all know
what Daddy can do now.
224
00:13:02,701 --> 00:13:05,084
Loser no more,
eh, Dad?
225
00:13:05,119 --> 00:13:07,467
Can we call
a roofer now?
226
00:13:07,502 --> 00:13:08,532
No, we can't.
227
00:13:08,567 --> 00:13:10,199
I'm going back up there.
228
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:12,400
But this I'm going up
with the right equipment.
229
00:13:12,435 --> 00:13:14,634
A Wile E. Coyote
mask?
230
00:13:18,701 --> 00:13:19,866
No, my love.
231
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:22,667
The thing to do is to have
the right shoe.
232
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:26,234
And the left one too, Dad.
233
00:13:28,801 --> 00:13:30,299
Thank you, honey.
234
00:13:30,334 --> 00:13:33,601
Now, damn it, I said I'd fix
that roof, and fix it I will!
235
00:13:33,636 --> 00:13:35,432
This is one man against nature.
236
00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:37,632
And that man happens to be
Al Bundy.
237
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:42,367
And as God is my witness...
I'll never be wet again!
238
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:53,100
[RAIN DRIPPING
INTO POTS IN TIME]
239
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,601
* I got sunshine *
240
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:01,901
* On a cloudy day *
241
00:14:04,801 --> 00:14:07,300
* When it's cold outsi... *
Shut up, Peg.
242
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:12,033
How many more holes
did you put in the roof
243
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:15,133
by walking on it
in spiked golf shoes?
244
00:14:18,701 --> 00:14:20,799
Oh, and, uh,
by the way, honey...
245
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:24,634
this time on your way down,
you took out our TV antenna.
246
00:14:24,669 --> 00:14:25,766
I'm sorry, Peg,
247
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:29,199
but I needed something
to break my fall.
248
00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:33,901
Since there was no live wire
or your neck handy...
249
00:14:33,936 --> 00:14:35,968
I grabbed the first thing
that hit my face.
250
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,434
Well, you know, our reception
is shot to hell.
251
00:14:40,469 --> 00:14:42,167
Well, I'm sorry, Peg.
252
00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:46,734
Had I known you wanted
to watch Dallas tonight,
253
00:14:46,769 --> 00:14:48,801
I would have just put
my hands behind my back
254
00:14:48,836 --> 00:14:52,033
and slalomed head first
onto the patio.
255
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,801
Are you ready
to give up yet?
256
00:14:56,836 --> 00:14:59,165
I am not.
257
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,683
Just so happens that I have
three unbroken bones yet.
258
00:15:01,718 --> 00:15:04,167
I'll see y'all... I'll see
y'all drown before I quit.
259
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:07,184
Good night, Peg.
260
00:15:07,219 --> 00:15:08,809
Good night, honey.
261
00:15:08,844 --> 00:15:10,365
Turn out the light.
262
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,634
[ELECTRICITY
CRACKLING]
263
00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:18,834
Oh, and be careful, Al.
264
00:15:18,869 --> 00:15:20,299
[SNIFFS]
265
00:15:20,334 --> 00:15:23,601
God, it smells
like ham in here.
266
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,701
[LAUGHS]
267
00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:39,499
Bud, what are you
watching?
268
00:15:39,534 --> 00:15:41,868
There's nothing
but snow on the TV.
269
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:46,098
Gee, looks great
to me.
270
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:49,333
Too bad you don't
have the special
271
00:15:49,368 --> 00:15:52,534
TV-reception
adaptor glasses...
272
00:15:52,569 --> 00:15:54,365
like I do.
273
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,033
Well, I want to
see TV too.
274
00:15:57,068 --> 00:15:58,699
Well, you can't.
275
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,300
I've only got one pair.
276
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:04,634
Would you, uh,
like to buy mine?
277
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:08,599
How much?
278
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,067
For you, 20 bucks.
279
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:13,534
I don't trust you.
280
00:16:13,569 --> 00:16:14,685
Fine.
281
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:15,766
Hey.
282
00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:20,467
The new Guns N' Roses
video is coming on.
283
00:16:20,502 --> 00:16:22,701
Does Axl ever
wear a shirt?
284
00:16:22,736 --> 00:16:24,165
[SCOFFS]
285
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,534
Give me. Ha-ha.
286
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:30,267
Hey, I don't see
anything.
287
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,467
Oh, great,
you broke them.
288
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:38,834
Now neither of us
can watch TV.
289
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:54,000
Hey, Mom, I broke
my reception glasses.
290
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,532
Well, be more careful
next time.
291
00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:01,567
Can't we get someone
who can fix the roof and the TV?
292
00:17:01,602 --> 00:17:03,833
Oh. Honey...
293
00:17:03,868 --> 00:17:06,699
your daddy wants to take
one more shot at it.
294
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,167
And if I stopped your father
every time he failed,
295
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,400
we never would have had
you or Bud.
296
00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:30,634
I'm ready.
297
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:33,834
What do you think
of Daddy now?
298
00:17:35,434 --> 00:17:40,033
Gee, Al. Heh. You built
a moron-on-the-roof suit.
299
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:45,300
Good luck, you say?
Don't need it.
300
00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:46,734
I'm cushioned
by your love.
301
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:52,133
I will now proceed
to fix the roof and the TV...
302
00:17:52,168 --> 00:17:53,265
and prove once again
303
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,433
that with intelligence
and vision,
304
00:17:55,468 --> 00:17:57,567
one man alone can
face any challenge.
305
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:03,434
Now, if someone would just
rock me to break the suction,
306
00:18:03,469 --> 00:18:04,734
I'll be on my way.
307
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,734
[SUCTION CUP SOUNDS]
308
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,567
I think "wow"
just about covers it.
309
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,265
Ah, Peggy...
310
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:23,566
Marcie had a little
reaction
311
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:25,601
to the Peruvian
devil gerbil bite.
312
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,801
By the way, I goofed.
I took home the poisonous one.
313
00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:32,399
But that's spilt milk.
314
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:34,466
Anyhow, she's
a little self-conscious.
315
00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:38,100
Could you just reassure her
that she looks perfectly okay?
316
00:18:38,135 --> 00:18:40,367
Come show Peggy, honey.
317
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,017
Now, I ask you...
318
00:19:02,052 --> 00:19:03,666
is there any reason
319
00:19:03,701 --> 00:19:05,901
why this woman
shouldn't go to work?
320
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:11,132
[GROANS QUIETLY]
321
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:15,634
Ah, gee, Marcie...
you look... fine.
322
00:19:15,669 --> 00:19:17,332
Very natural.
323
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,766
What do you think, Kelly?
324
00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:21,968
I don't know. I've never
really looked at her before.
325
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:26,234
I have a hump,
you bimbo!
326
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,467
Didn't you always?
327
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,300
Marcie...
328
00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:41,317
why don't we just get
to the real reason you're angry.
329
00:19:41,352 --> 00:19:44,801
It's not that awful, disgusting,
pus-filled hump at all.
330
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,466
It's your small spirit.
331
00:19:49,501 --> 00:19:52,434
You're just jealous because
I'm pursuing my dream.
332
00:19:52,469 --> 00:19:54,767
What dream would
that be, Steve?
333
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:58,934
To have a wife
named Igor?
334
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,934
[AL SCREAMS]
335
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,432
What was that?
336
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:15,866
Oh, pay no attention.
337
00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:18,833
That's just Al
falling off the roof. Heh.
338
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:21,801
But, you know, I'm really
concerned about the two of you.
339
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:29,701
I mean, there's no reason
for a hunchback
340
00:20:29,736 --> 00:20:32,033
and a doody scooper
to fight.
341
00:20:33,501 --> 00:20:35,200
Now, aren't you
ashamed?
342
00:20:40,901 --> 00:20:42,799
I'm sorry, Steve.
343
00:20:42,834 --> 00:20:45,467
Let's go home
and... cuddle.
344
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:50,934
After you, my love.
345
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:04,165
Hey, Mom.
346
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,100
Should we be worried
that Daddy's up there
347
00:21:06,135 --> 00:21:08,000
with metal tools
in a lightning storm?
348
00:21:10,734 --> 00:21:13,032
Well, who wants
to go tell him?
349
00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,901
Well, I'll catch a cold.
My hair will get all messed up.
350
00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:19,467
Then I'll hear
no more about it.
351
00:21:19,502 --> 00:21:21,732
Mom, why can't we
call a roofer?
352
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:23,332
I mean, if it gets
any wetter in here,
353
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:26,033
the whole house
is gonna look like Bud's bed.
354
00:21:30,801 --> 00:21:32,300
Hey, wait a minute,
kids.
355
00:21:32,335 --> 00:21:35,165
It stopped
leaking.
356
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,767
You mean,
Dad actually did it?
357
00:21:38,868 --> 00:21:40,332
Hey, Dad!
358
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:42,098
The roof stopped
leaking!
359
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:44,466
AL: Was there ever any doubt?
360
00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:47,767
Honey! Don't forget
to fix the antenna!
361
00:21:47,802 --> 00:21:50,934
AL: No problem! Daddy can do it!
362
00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:54,367
How is it?!
363
00:21:54,402 --> 00:21:56,217
Still fuzzy.
364
00:21:56,252 --> 00:21:57,709
How about now?
365
00:21:57,744 --> 00:21:59,132
Oh, it's better.
366
00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:01,601
Keep doing what
you're doing!
367
00:22:01,636 --> 00:22:03,934
How about no...
Ahh!
368
00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:11,334
It's perfect,
Al!
369
00:22:12,868 --> 00:22:14,165
Oh, you know kids,
370
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,601
we ridiculed him
and made fun of him...
371
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:19,265
Help me!
372
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:22,701
But, you know,
this time we have to admit...
373
00:22:22,736 --> 00:22:23,968
Daddy did it.
374
00:22:24,003 --> 00:22:25,135
AL:
Help!
375
00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:26,267
Help me!
376
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:41,501
[***]1
00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:06,300
[***]
2
00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:19,000
Oh, let's see.
3
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,200
"Farmer Brown has 50 potatoes
and six children.
4
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,667
"If half of the potatoes
are to be divided
5
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:27,501
"among one-third
of the children,
6
00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:28,701
"how many potatoes
7
00:01:28,701 --> 00:01:31,934
do each of the remaining
children get?"
8
00:01:31,934 --> 00:01:34,267
Oh, God.
9
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,701
I know. I know.
10
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:41,367
Short skirt for math,
Monday.
11
00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,334
How'd it go?
12
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:50,334
Ah, he's still constipated.
13
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:55,868
If he was any tighter,
you could wear him to the prom.
14
00:01:55,868 --> 00:01:57,400
You mean to tell me
15
00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,601
he didn't react at all
to the picture of you naked?
16
00:02:01,601 --> 00:02:05,200
Because just the thought of it
would work for me.
17
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,000
Well, I guess we have
to give him his pill.
18
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,167
Yeah, but he'll
spit it out
19
00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,167
if we don't wrap it
20
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:10,534
in something
that tastes good.
21
00:02:10,534 --> 00:02:12,701
Well, let's see
what we've got.
22
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:21,400
How about this thing
in the tinfoil that's moving?
23
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,601
No!
24
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,334
Mom said never to touch that.
25
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:26,501
I know.
26
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:30,534
How about this piece of cheese?
27
00:02:30,534 --> 00:02:34,000
The mouse wouldn't eat it,
but maybe Buck will.
28
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,601
Well, it can't be
all that old.
29
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:37,767
It's still green.
30
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:42,667
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
31
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:44,767
Here, Buck.
32
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:46,000
Come on, boy.
33
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,367
Yummy, fuzzy cheese.
34
00:02:51,234 --> 00:02:52,968
Ah, I love waking up
35
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:55,200
after your mother's
already up and out,
36
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,300
the scent of her perfume
still in the air,
37
00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:00,501
50 bucks missing
from my wallet...
38
00:03:00,501 --> 00:03:02,300
Just like
I was single.
39
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,801
Hey, breakfast cheese.
40
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:05,267
BOTH:
No--
41
00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:08,701
Mm...mmm.
42
00:03:08,701 --> 00:03:10,767
That's not bad.
43
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,267
You know, I have a feeling
44
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:15,801
it's gonna be a big day
for Daddy today.
45
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,868
The biggest, Dad.
46
00:03:19,868 --> 00:03:21,868
Humongous.
47
00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:24,701
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
48
00:03:24,701 --> 00:03:25,868
Who could that be?
49
00:03:25,868 --> 00:03:27,567
Well, since Mom
and Kelly's boyfriends
50
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:28,934
have their own keys,
51
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,901
it's probably
the mailman.
52
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:34,000
Bundy, I just want you
to know I'm retiring
53
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,334
after 20 years
of faithful service--
54
00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:43,501
Well, let's see.
55
00:03:43,501 --> 00:03:45,701
Bill... Bill...
56
00:03:45,701 --> 00:03:47,334
Hello!
57
00:03:47,334 --> 00:03:48,567
My tax refund!
58
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:50,801
Yes!
Whoo!
59
00:03:50,801 --> 00:03:52,801
I told you it's gonna
be a big day.
60
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:55,501
My stomach's
getting warm.
61
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:58,234
Maybe that cheese
will settle it.
62
00:03:59,868 --> 00:04:01,367
By God, I love you.
Mwah...
63
00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:02,567
Thanks, Daddy.
64
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,634
Not you. Go away.
65
00:04:04,634 --> 00:04:06,234
Kelly, I'm sorry.
No, come back here.
66
00:04:06,234 --> 00:04:07,467
Come back here.
67
00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:09,133
[CHUCKLES]
68
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,033
Now you go away.
69
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:16,167
Oh, let's see
how much I got.
70
00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:17,667
Oh, man.
71
00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:19,167
I'm gonna be...
72
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:23,133
Audited?
73
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,100
Peg, I'm gonna
be audited!
74
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,067
Very nice.
75
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,734
I just spent three hours
in the beauty parlor,
76
00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:33,267
and all you can say
is "I'm being audited."
77
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:35,367
Huh! Why do I bother?
78
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:37,467
What's "audited"?
79
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:38,501
Well, basically,
80
00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:40,167
it's when they take
everything you own
81
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:42,000
and throw you in jail.
82
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,968
But just Dad, right?
83
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:46,267
Yeah.
84
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:48,734
Then to hell with it.
85
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:50,300
Peg, get
our tax records,
86
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:51,567
'cause I'm suing
the moron
87
00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:52,834
that bungled our taxes.
88
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,767
Oh. Well, gee,
that would be me.
89
00:04:57,033 --> 00:05:00,067
Oh, now, don't get
that look on your face.
90
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,968
It's a good thing
I did the taxes.
91
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,868
You see,
I had this idea.
92
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,968
If claiming two children
as dependents
93
00:05:05,968 --> 00:05:07,067
gets you $200,
94
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:11,067
imagine what 23 kids
would be worth.
95
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:16,100
The gas chamber?
96
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,434
Dibs on his car.
97
00:05:17,434 --> 00:05:19,367
I want it!
I always said I could have it!
98
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:20,367
No, it's mine.
Mine!
99
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:21,400
Kids, don't fight.
100
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,901
There'll be cars
for the both of you
101
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:24,501
'cause Mommy's
will be up for grabs,
102
00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:26,767
'cause Mommy will be
up the river with me.
103
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:31,501
See, it was a joint-return.
104
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:33,434
Think they'll be gone
by Valentine's Day?
105
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,100
Because I don't know about you,
Kel, but I'm thinking party.
106
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:39,000
Imagine both Mom and Dad
in jail.
107
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,801
We'll be the coolest kids
in school.
108
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:42,334
Yeah.
109
00:05:42,334 --> 00:05:45,000
Now, kids,
stop worrying.
110
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,801
Mommy's not going
anywhere.
111
00:05:46,801 --> 00:05:48,534
And why is that, Peg?
112
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:50,100
Oh, Al.
113
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,701
You don't think
I'd be stupid enough
114
00:05:51,701 --> 00:05:54,234
to sign my name
to that return too.
115
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:56,734
This isn't like
a parking ticket.
116
00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:59,734
This is what
they sent Capone away for.
117
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,501
Oh, but don't worry,
honey.
118
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:04,901
I'm gonna go upstairs right now
and call my Uncle Ephus.
119
00:06:04,901 --> 00:06:06,100
He'll know what to do.
120
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,667
He's a pig farmer.
121
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:08,968
Hey, Mom?
122
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,133
Huh?
123
00:06:10,133 --> 00:06:11,167
If Dad does go to jail,
124
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,834
can we still have
a Valentine's party?
125
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:14,534
Well, let's get him
off to jail first,
126
00:06:14,534 --> 00:06:17,067
and then we'll
talk about it.
127
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,334
Well, son, we owe five grand
to the government.
128
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:21,467
So sometime between
now and, uh...
129
00:06:21,467 --> 00:06:23,734
10 a.m. on Thursday,
130
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:25,701
I've gotta come up
with a small fortune.
131
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:27,534
Well, let's see
what we got here.
132
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:28,667
"Free money for fools."
133
00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:30,701
Nope. Nothing here.
134
00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:31,834
Here's something.
135
00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:33,834
"Store toxic waste
at home."
136
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,467
You wouldn't mind growing
a second head for Daddy,
137
00:06:37,467 --> 00:06:38,467
would you, son?
138
00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:40,801
I don't know, Dad.
139
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,067
Everything in my closet
140
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,767
is sort of built
around one head.
141
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:47,300
Well, we'll just
circle this as a "maybe."
142
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,834
Hmm...
143
00:06:48,834 --> 00:06:51,901
"Desperate woman
needs human hair for wig.
144
00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:53,434
"Will pay any price.
145
00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:56,434
Red preferred."
146
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:01,167
Al, honey, great news!
147
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:02,968
Ephus wasn't there,
148
00:07:02,968 --> 00:07:04,968
but Aunt Innie said
if you get her
149
00:07:04,968 --> 00:07:06,467
a blueprint
of the courthouse,
150
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,667
he'll pull his half-ton
under the window,
151
00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:11,234
and you're just a manure ride
away from freedom.
152
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,367
What are you two looking at?
153
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:19,767
Your lovely red hair.
154
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:22,501
Oh, Al...
155
00:07:22,501 --> 00:07:23,934
You noticed.
156
00:07:23,934 --> 00:07:27,067
I didn't think
you cared.
157
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,968
Oh, but I do.
158
00:07:28,968 --> 00:07:31,133
Aw.
159
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,067
Oh, come on, Buck.
160
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,601
Take your pill.
161
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:37,601
I put it in this nice bonbon.
162
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:44,767
[TOILET FLUSHING]
163
00:07:50,033 --> 00:07:53,367
Al, you have been in there
all morning.
164
00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:55,033
I don't know what it is, Peg.
165
00:07:55,033 --> 00:07:56,234
I haven't eaten a thing
166
00:07:56,234 --> 00:07:59,300
since that piece of cheese
yesterday.
167
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:01,300
Oh, a bonbon.
168
00:08:07,701 --> 00:08:10,534
Oh, it's nice and crunchy.
169
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:13,133
Gee, I hope
it settles my stomach.
170
00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:16,834
I don't think it'll be in there
long enough.
171
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:22,868
Oh, Al, are you
brushing my hair again?
172
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:24,100
You know,
to some people,
173
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:25,801
you're just a guy
who needs a shower,
174
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:29,400
but beneath it all,
you really are romantic.
175
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,934
Yep.
176
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:34,767
Yep, I am.
177
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:36,067
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
178
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,834
Peg, bring your hair
over here.
179
00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:40,000
You can
come too, dear.
180
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:45,300
Sit down.
181
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,634
Hello. We're the Privetts.
We're here to see the hair.
182
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:48,634
Of course!
183
00:08:48,634 --> 00:08:50,200
Step right into
our showroom.
184
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,834
Uh, dear, these are
our good friends, the, uh--
185
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,267
Privetts.
The Privetts, yes.
186
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:57,534
and this is my lovely wife
the, um...
187
00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:59,000
The Peggy.
188
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,567
Oh, you have
lovely hair!
189
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:02,267
Why, thank you.
190
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,200
Leo, it's perfect.
191
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,100
Come on, Leo,
you touch it too.
192
00:09:06,934 --> 00:09:08,100
Oh, it's very nice.
193
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,167
Isn't it,
though?
194
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,567
Uh...
195
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,934
Al, could I speak to you
for a minute?
196
00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:18,434
Excuse us
for a second.
197
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:22,267
What's going on here?
198
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:23,834
Well, Peg, I've
gotta pay the IRS,
199
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:26,501
so I'm selling the--
The lawn furniture.
200
00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:27,501
How much you asking?
201
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,234
Um...10,000.
202
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:33,868
Al, it cost 40 bucks
15 years ago.
203
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,133
So did you.
204
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:40,033
You know, 10,000's
a little steep, Bundy,
205
00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:42,601
but I might
go to, uh, 2000.
206
00:09:42,601 --> 00:09:44,400
Two thousand dollars?
207
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,834
Oh!
208
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:48,167
You know, it's really
worth the money.
209
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:50,667
Why, you can just
sit on it for hours,
210
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:53,167
and if you hose it off,
it's good as new.
211
00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:55,067
Five thousand.
212
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:57,200
You don't mind us
taking it from you?
213
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,167
Oh! No.
214
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,534
Why, the dog
just lies on it,
215
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,601
and the birds use it
as a bathroom.
216
00:10:04,601 --> 00:10:07,767
You know, I'll be glad
to get rid of it.
217
00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:09,501
We'll be back tomorrow
with the check.
218
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,534
Could you make that cash?
219
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:14,934
That way, we won't have to
report it to the government.
220
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,934
Five thousand dollars!
221
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,467
Al, we're rich!
222
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,968
Oh, you are the smartest man
in the whole world.
223
00:10:21,968 --> 00:10:24,634
Honey, let's just
forget about this audit.
224
00:10:24,634 --> 00:10:26,501
We'll run from the government
and the kids.
225
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,968
We'll set off
across the country,
226
00:10:27,968 --> 00:10:30,701
and we'll sell lawn furniture!
227
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,067
Oh, God, I love you!
228
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,434
Oops. A split end.
229
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,667
Yeow!
230
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:39,868
Al, what are you doing?
231
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:41,000
Bud!
232
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,734
Honey, you'll never guess
233
00:10:42,734 --> 00:10:45,234
what your father just sold
for $5000.
234
00:10:45,234 --> 00:10:47,167
Well, sure, I would.
He sold your hair.
235
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:50,033
Oh, ho, ho! No, silly.
236
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,234
God. The lawn furniture.
237
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:54,234
Right, Al?
238
00:10:54,234 --> 00:10:55,868
Well, we'll just
discuss that
239
00:10:55,868 --> 00:10:58,567
when you wake up
in the morning.
240
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,434
Oh, no!
241
00:11:00,434 --> 00:11:02,133
Oh, yes.
242
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:04,968
Oh! Oh, no.
243
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:15,734
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
244
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:29,000
Oh, Peg...
245
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,801
Come to bed.
246
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:36,467
I'm not sleepy.
247
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:38,300
I can wait.
248
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:42,100
[SINGING TUNE
TO BRAHMS' "LULLABY"]
249
00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:47,334
Well...
250
00:11:49,033 --> 00:11:51,534
I passed math.
251
00:11:53,033 --> 00:11:56,534
French too,
and I'm not even taking that.
252
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,234
What are you doing up, Mom?
253
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:01,234
I'm waiting
for your father to go to sleep.
254
00:12:01,234 --> 00:12:03,901
Kelly, he wants to sell my hair.
255
00:12:03,901 --> 00:12:05,434
What am I gonna do?
256
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,167
Wear a pig nose
257
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:09,133
and dance in the street
for crumbs?
258
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,067
Just kidding, Mom. Good night.
259
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,601
Kelly, honey,
260
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:15,367
you know, when you were a baby,
261
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:19,033
I used to get up every morning
at noon to feed you.
262
00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:22,067
The least you can do
is listen to my problems.
263
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,434
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
264
00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:26,801
I've got the coffee
if you need it.
265
00:12:26,801 --> 00:12:28,601
Is Al asleep?
266
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:29,834
I don't know.
267
00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:30,934
Let's see.
268
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,133
[IMITATES SNORING]
269
00:12:41,701 --> 00:12:44,133
Hair tease.
270
00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,200
Can you believe him?
271
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,100
With all the hair
in his nose, ears
272
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,167
and on his back,
273
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:52,400
and he wants mine.
274
00:12:53,534 --> 00:12:56,133
It's hair envy,
is what it is.
275
00:12:56,133 --> 00:12:57,767
It's because
they lose theirs
276
00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:58,767
and we don't,
277
00:12:58,767 --> 00:12:59,868
and they hate us
for it.
278
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,534
They have no respect
for our hair.
279
00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:05,834
They only use it to pull us up,
to pull us down.
280
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:11,334
You know,
one day I'm just gonna say,
281
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:13,834
"Hey, use your own hair
to wax that car."
282
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,234
Kelly's right.
283
00:13:18,234 --> 00:13:20,300
She's got the morals
of an alley cat,
284
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,834
but she's right.
285
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:24,534
We give men too much.
286
00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:29,567
We give them our trust,
our love, our support.
287
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:31,868
We give them $5
to take us to the prom
288
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:35,200
and not tell anyone
they're our cousin.
289
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,300
But they do,
290
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,934
and then you're
the laughingstock
291
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:40,601
of the entire school.
292
00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,901
And he winds up
in the backseat of your car
293
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:45,000
with some fat slut
named Roberta.
294
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,434
And you have to take
the bus home!
295
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:48,467
Some prom, huh?
296
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:50,968
Anyway...
297
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:56,133
I say we women must
draw the line at our hair.
298
00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:57,968
It serves a purpose.
299
00:13:57,968 --> 00:14:00,234
Like when you see a guy
with really great buns,
300
00:14:00,234 --> 00:14:04,667
it's your hair that says,
"Saddle up, cowboy."
301
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:09,200
"Rope me. Brand me.
Break my spirit."
302
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:14,767
Oh, yeah,
and I'm the alley cat.
303
00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:17,901
Well, there's no reasoning
with Al.
304
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,200
If I'm gonna keep my hair,
305
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,601
I'm just gonna
have to stay awake
306
00:14:20,601 --> 00:14:22,033
until that trial.
307
00:14:22,033 --> 00:14:25,033
Then I'll have 20 years
of peace.
308
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:26,400
Don't you worry
about a thing.
309
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,100
We'll stay up with you.
Won't we, Kelly?
310
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,634
Darn right.
311
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:34,033
Our six eyes will beat as one.
312
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,167
Well, good.
313
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,100
We'll sleep
in shifts.
314
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,834
Marcie, you take
the first one.
315
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:43,033
Kelly, you take
the second.
316
00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:44,367
Marcie, you take
the third.
317
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,033
Right.
318
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:47,834
Just let him try to get past us.
319
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:50,868
For tonight,
we are woman.
320
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:27,234
[AL SIGHING]
321
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:45,167
[SNIP]
322
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:08,834
Well, I'm all packed for prison.
323
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:13,267
Have a nice time, Daddy.
324
00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:14,467
Come on, Dad,
325
00:16:14,467 --> 00:16:16,234
you've got two more days
till the audit.
326
00:16:16,234 --> 00:16:17,534
Why wait? I'm guilty.
327
00:16:17,534 --> 00:16:20,767
What's my defense?
Your mother's an idiot?
328
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,334
Besides, I deserve
to be punished.
329
00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:24,434
I married your mother.
330
00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:25,801
So long, kids.
331
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,901
Let me know who wins
this year's Bud Bowl.
332
00:16:28,901 --> 00:16:30,133
Come on.
333
00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:32,801
Now, surely you can make $5000
in two days.
334
00:16:32,801 --> 00:16:35,501
[SPUTTERS]
335
00:16:35,501 --> 00:16:37,000
Thanks, son.
336
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,434
Your love's gonna make
those 20 years just fly by.
337
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,133
Now, I'm gonna need
some toilet paper,
338
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:43,467
two-ply, white.
339
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:44,634
A harmonica.
340
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:45,767
Oh, and a picture of Mommy
341
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:47,534
in case thoughts of escape
cross my mind.
342
00:16:51,234 --> 00:16:53,567
You know, Kel, maybe
I should get Dad something
343
00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:54,767
to remind him of me.
344
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:55,868
Fine.
345
00:16:55,868 --> 00:16:57,267
Pack him
some Clearasil
346
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:00,801
and, uh, underwear
with holes in it.
347
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,467
Hi, Al.
Whatcha doin'?
348
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:06,801
I'm headed for prison.
349
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:07,934
Oh.
350
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:10,033
Well, I got a problem.
351
00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:14,701
You're probably wondering
why I'm not at work.
352
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,300
I'm looking
at 20 years, Steve.
353
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,634
Uh-huh.
354
00:17:17,634 --> 00:17:20,234
I'll bet you think I was fired,
but I wasn't.
355
00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:21,634
I quit.
356
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:23,734
I'll tell you, you wouldn't
believe the politics
357
00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:25,434
that goes on backstage
at a pet shop.
358
00:17:25,434 --> 00:17:27,467
They're putting me in
with killers, Steve.
359
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,734
I mean, there I am,
360
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:30,601
putting down fresh paper
under the macaw--
361
00:17:30,601 --> 00:17:32,067
Which liked me,
by the way,
362
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,968
and don't think
that wasn't noticed.
363
00:17:33,968 --> 00:17:37,367
--when Zeke decides to make
a power play.
364
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:40,300
He wants birds.
365
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,667
Suddenly,
fish isn't good enough for him.
366
00:17:42,667 --> 00:17:45,300
So he breaks bread
with the owner.
367
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:49,033
Next thing I know,
he's got his hands on my bird,
368
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:52,834
and I'm up to my patootie
in guppy poo.
369
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,067
Steve,
I'll tell you what.
370
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:55,801
What say I make you
a nice license plate
371
00:17:55,801 --> 00:17:59,033
that says
"I'm a bore"?
372
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:02,100
Would that make you
feel better, buddy?
373
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:03,667
No, it wouldn't, Al.
374
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:06,334
You know what'd
make me feel better?
375
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:11,701
To be the outdoorsman
I was born to be.
376
00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:13,067
Al...
377
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:16,734
I wanna be
a rodeo clown.
378
00:18:18,634 --> 00:18:20,767
You know, something
with the land.
379
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,767
Thing is,
how do I tell Marcie?
380
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:26,601
Well, now, see, that is
a thorny one, Steve.
381
00:18:26,601 --> 00:18:29,300
What say I give that
some thought
382
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:30,901
while I'm making
my marriage vows
383
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:34,467
in a prison chapel
to a guy named Rock?
384
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:38,801
Okay, okay,
this is something
385
00:18:38,801 --> 00:18:40,901
a man's gotta work out
for himself.
386
00:18:40,901 --> 00:18:42,300
I know.
387
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,167
I'll call my mom.
388
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,968
She always told my Dad
what to do...
389
00:18:45,968 --> 00:18:48,267
until he killed
himself.
390
00:18:49,734 --> 00:18:50,901
Oh, and Al,
391
00:18:50,901 --> 00:18:52,033
when you're in prison,
392
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:54,501
if you run into James Brown...
393
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,000
you tell him for me
394
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,434
there's one white dude out there
who thinks he got a raw deal.
395
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:09,567
Is there no one
who can ease my pain?
396
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:12,968
Al, honey, great news.
397
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:14,667
Uncle Toppee called.
398
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:16,334
He pulled some strings,
399
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:19,100
and he got you a cushy gig
in the prison hospital.
400
00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,667
You're gonna be
a guinea pig
401
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:24,267
in the experimental
medicine ward.
402
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:27,567
And you thought
he didn't like you.
403
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,133
Would you get me
cigarettes, kids?
404
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:30,901
I need lots of cigarettes.
405
00:19:30,901 --> 00:19:33,567
It's for
my new boyfriend.
406
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:38,434
Well, Al, if he only
smokes after sex,
407
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:41,467
a half a pack'll
do ya.
408
00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:44,100
Aw, that's a good one.
409
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,467
I'm gonna
miss you, Peg.
410
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,100
Well, I guess unless
you're gonna cut your hair,
411
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:49,200
I'll be going.
412
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,100
Well, I'll see you,
I guess,
413
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,701
in a decade or two.
414
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:01,734
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
415
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:02,734
Bye.
See you.
416
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:17,868
Very nice. Very nice.
417
00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:19,801
No "Oh, Dad, please don't go"?
418
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,901
No "Oh, Al, yes,
I'll cut my hair"?
419
00:20:22,901 --> 00:20:27,000
Not even a "Shane,
Shane, come back"?
420
00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:32,200
Honey, no one wants you
to go to prison,
421
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,634
but we're talking about my hair,
for God's sake.
422
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:40,234
Why is everybody
staring at me?
423
00:20:40,234 --> 00:20:42,734
I'm not the only one
in this family with hair.
424
00:20:42,734 --> 00:20:44,567
Bud, what about you?
425
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:46,767
Yeah, right, I'd be
quite the lady-killer
426
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:50,968
as a 15-year-old bald kid
with no money.
427
00:20:50,968 --> 00:20:53,000
"Yul Bundy."
428
00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:56,200
Well, don't look
at me.
429
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,868
I've got finals
coming up.
430
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,300
Peg?
431
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:05,734
I don't wanna cut my hair.
432
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:08,467
We're talking about prison, Peg.
433
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:10,534
Prison.
434
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,667
Oh, Leo,
it's beautiful.
435
00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:16,968
With this on my head,
436
00:21:16,968 --> 00:21:18,467
I can walk proud again
437
00:21:18,467 --> 00:21:22,467
and forget all about
that woodpecker incident.
438
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:23,534
What a day, huh?
439
00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:25,601
Well, that's 5000.
440
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,467
Pleasure doing
business with you, Bundy.
441
00:21:27,467 --> 00:21:28,901
Any time, Leo.
442
00:21:28,901 --> 00:21:31,834
Listen, how's the wife
fixed for fingernails?
443
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:36,167
Well, maybe now
is not the time.
444
00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:37,734
Wear it in good health,
Marie.
445
00:21:37,734 --> 00:21:39,434
Thank you.
446
00:21:39,434 --> 00:21:40,901
Hey, if you ever
change your mind
447
00:21:40,901 --> 00:21:42,901
about that lawn
furniture...
448
00:21:46,067 --> 00:21:47,467
He's gone.
449
00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:49,834
Oh! We did it!
450
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:51,300
Five thousand dollars.
451
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:52,934
Oh, Al, that's more
than we'd make
452
00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:54,968
if you had an education.
453
00:21:54,968 --> 00:21:57,934
Pretty good for a guy
stupid enough to marry you, huh?
454
00:21:57,934 --> 00:21:59,567
Oh, ho, ho...
455
00:21:59,567 --> 00:22:01,100
Well, now I'll go pay my taxes,
456
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:02,701
and then the only prison
I'll be in
457
00:22:02,701 --> 00:22:05,167
is the one I created for myself.
458
00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:06,701
Honey, before you go,
459
00:22:06,701 --> 00:22:09,367
I think you'd better walk Buck
over by Marcie's roses.
460
00:22:09,367 --> 00:22:10,834
He's still constipated.
461
00:22:10,834 --> 00:22:12,167
Ah, all right.
462
00:22:12,167 --> 00:22:14,834
He should be eating
what I've been eating.
463
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,167
Worthless fleabag.
464
00:22:17,167 --> 00:22:19,467
Honey, you think the Privetts
will figure this out?
465
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:21,601
Well, why should they?
It's real hair.
466
00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:24,100
Come on, boy.
467
00:22:40,434 --> 00:22:43,434
[***]1
00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:06,300
[***]
2
00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:18,965
Oh, let's see.
3
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,200
"Farmer Brown has 50 potatoes
and six children.
4
00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:25,667
"If half of the potatoes
are to be divided
5
00:01:25,702 --> 00:01:27,501
"among one-third
of the children,
6
00:01:27,536 --> 00:01:28,666
"how many potatoes
7
00:01:28,701 --> 00:01:31,934
do each of the remaining
children get?"
8
00:01:31,969 --> 00:01:34,267
Oh, God.
9
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,666
I know. I know.
10
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:41,367
Short skirt for math,
Monday.
11
00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,299
How'd it go?
12
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:50,334
Ah, he's still constipated.
13
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:55,868
If he was any tighter,
you could wear him to the prom.
14
00:01:55,903 --> 00:01:57,365
You mean to tell me
15
00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,300
he didn't react at all
to the picture of you naked?
16
00:02:01,335 --> 00:02:05,200
Because just the thought of it
would work for me.
17
00:02:05,235 --> 00:02:07,000
Well, I guess we have
to give him his pill.
18
00:02:07,035 --> 00:02:08,167
Yeah, but he'll
spit it out
19
00:02:08,202 --> 00:02:09,132
if we don't wrap it
20
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:10,934
in something
that tastes good.
21
00:02:10,969 --> 00:02:12,701
Well, let's see
what we've got.
22
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:21,400
How about this thing
in the tinfoil that's moving?
23
00:02:21,435 --> 00:02:22,566
No!
24
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,334
Mom said never to touch that.
25
00:02:25,369 --> 00:02:26,501
I know.
26
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:30,499
How about this piece of cheese?
27
00:02:30,534 --> 00:02:34,000
The mouse wouldn't eat it,
but maybe Buck will.
28
00:02:34,035 --> 00:02:35,601
Well, it can't be
all that old.
29
00:02:35,636 --> 00:02:37,767
It's still green.
30
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:42,667
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
31
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:44,850
Here, Buck.
32
00:02:44,885 --> 00:02:45,965
Come on, boy.
33
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,367
Yummy, fuzzy cheese.
34
00:02:51,234 --> 00:02:52,933
Ah, I love waking up
35
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:55,134
after your mother's
already up and out,
36
00:02:55,169 --> 00:02:57,300
the scent of her perfume
still in the air,
37
00:02:57,335 --> 00:03:00,501
50 bucks missing
from my wallet...
38
00:03:00,536 --> 00:03:02,168
Just like
I was single.
39
00:03:02,203 --> 00:03:03,801
Hey, breakfast cheese.
40
00:03:03,836 --> 00:03:06,268
BOTH:
No...
41
00:03:06,303 --> 00:03:08,666
Mm... mmm.
42
00:03:08,701 --> 00:03:10,732
That's not bad.
43
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,232
You know, I have a feeling
44
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:15,801
it's gonna be a big day
for Daddy today.
45
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,868
The biggest, Dad.
46
00:03:19,903 --> 00:03:21,868
Humongous.
47
00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:24,401
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
48
00:03:24,436 --> 00:03:25,833
Who could that be?
49
00:03:25,868 --> 00:03:27,567
Well, since Mom
and Kelly's boyfriends
50
00:03:27,602 --> 00:03:28,899
have their own keys,
51
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,866
it's probably
the mailman.
52
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:34,000
Bundy, I just want you
to know I'm retiring
53
00:03:34,035 --> 00:03:36,334
after 20 years
of faithful service...
54
00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:43,917
Well, let's see.
55
00:03:43,952 --> 00:03:45,701
Bill... Bill...
56
00:03:45,736 --> 00:03:47,299
Hello!
57
00:03:47,334 --> 00:03:49,067
My tax refund!
58
00:03:49,102 --> 00:03:50,766
Yes!
Whoo!
59
00:03:50,801 --> 00:03:52,801
I told you it's gonna
be a big day.
60
00:03:52,836 --> 00:03:55,466
My stomach's
getting warm.
61
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:58,234
Maybe that cheese
will settle it.
62
00:03:59,868 --> 00:04:01,367
By God, I love you.
Mwah...
63
00:04:01,402 --> 00:04:03,018
Thanks, Daddy.
64
00:04:03,053 --> 00:04:04,599
Not you. Go away.
65
00:04:04,634 --> 00:04:06,234
Kelly, I'm sorry.
No, come back here.
66
00:04:06,269 --> 00:04:07,467
Come back here.
67
00:04:07,502 --> 00:04:09,133
[CHUCKLES]
68
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,033
Now you go away.
69
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:16,167
Oh, let's see
how much I got.
70
00:04:16,202 --> 00:04:17,632
Oh, man.
71
00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:19,167
I'm gonna be...
72
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:23,133
Audited?
73
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,100
Peg, I'm gonna
be audited!
74
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:28,032
Very nice.
75
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,667
I just spent three hours
in the beauty parlor,
76
00:04:30,702 --> 00:04:33,267
and all you can say
is "I'm being audited. "
77
00:04:33,302 --> 00:04:35,384
Huh! Why do I bother?
78
00:04:35,419 --> 00:04:36,960
What's "audited"?
79
00:04:36,995 --> 00:04:38,466
Well, basically,
80
00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:40,167
it's when they take
everything you own
81
00:04:40,202 --> 00:04:42,085
and throw you in jail.
82
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,968
But just Dad, right?
83
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:46,232
Yeah.
84
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:48,699
Then to hell with it.
85
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:50,150
Peg, get
our tax records,
86
00:04:50,185 --> 00:04:51,509
'cause I'm suing
the moron
87
00:04:51,544 --> 00:04:52,799
that bungled our taxes.
88
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,767
Oh. Well, gee,
that would be me.
89
00:04:57,033 --> 00:05:00,067
Oh, now, don't get
that look on your face.
90
00:05:00,102 --> 00:05:01,968
It's a good thing
I did the taxes.
91
00:05:02,003 --> 00:05:03,833
You see,
I had this idea.
92
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,968
If claiming two children
as dependents
93
00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:07,032
gets you $200,
94
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:11,067
imagine what 23 kids
would be worth.
95
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:15,367
The gas chamber?
96
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,399
Dibs on his car.
97
00:05:17,434 --> 00:05:19,367
I want it!
I always said I could have it!
98
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,401
No, it's mine.
Mine!
99
00:05:20,436 --> 00:05:21,365
Kids, don't fight.
100
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,950
There'll be cars
for the both of you
101
00:05:22,985 --> 00:05:24,466
'cause Mommy's
will be up for grabs,
102
00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:26,767
'cause Mommy will be
up the river with me.
103
00:05:26,802 --> 00:05:31,466
See, it was a joint-return.
104
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:33,399
Think they'll be gone
by Valentine's Day?
105
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,100
Because I don't know about you,
Kel, but I'm thinking party.
106
00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:38,468
Imagine both Mom and Dad
in jail.
107
00:05:38,503 --> 00:05:40,801
We'll be the coolest kids
in school.
108
00:05:40,836 --> 00:05:42,299
Yeah.
109
00:05:42,334 --> 00:05:44,567
Now, kids,
stop worrying.
110
00:05:44,602 --> 00:05:46,801
Mommy's not going
anywhere.
111
00:05:46,836 --> 00:05:48,534
And why is that, Peg?
112
00:05:48,569 --> 00:05:50,065
Oh, Al.
113
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,167
You don't think
I'd be stupid enough
114
00:05:52,202 --> 00:05:54,468
to sign my name
to that return too.
115
00:05:54,503 --> 00:05:56,699
This isn't like
a parking ticket.
116
00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:59,734
This is what
they sent Capone away for.
117
00:05:59,769 --> 00:06:01,466
Oh, but don't worry,
honey.
118
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:04,901
I'm gonna go upstairs right now
and call my Uncle Ephus.
119
00:06:04,936 --> 00:06:06,301
He'll know what to do.
120
00:06:06,336 --> 00:06:07,667
He's a pig farmer.
121
00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:08,968
Hey, Mom?
122
00:06:09,003 --> 00:06:10,098
Huh?
123
00:06:10,133 --> 00:06:11,132
If Dad does go to jail,
124
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,850
can we still have
a Valentine's party?
125
00:06:12,885 --> 00:06:14,534
Well, let's get him
off to jail first,
126
00:06:14,569 --> 00:06:17,032
and then we'll
talk about it.
127
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,334
Well, son, we owe five grand
to the government.
128
00:06:19,369 --> 00:06:21,467
So sometime between
now and, uh...
129
00:06:21,502 --> 00:06:23,699
10 a. m. on Thursday,
130
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:25,701
I've gotta come up
with a small fortune.
131
00:06:25,736 --> 00:06:27,534
Well, let's see
what we got here.
132
00:06:27,569 --> 00:06:28,667
"Free money for fools. "
133
00:06:28,702 --> 00:06:30,268
Nope. Nothing here.
134
00:06:30,303 --> 00:06:31,799
Here's something.
135
00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:33,834
"Store toxic waste
at home. "
136
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,467
You wouldn't mind growing
a second head for Daddy,
137
00:06:37,502 --> 00:06:38,467
would you, son?
138
00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:40,766
I don't know, Dad.
139
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,032
Everything in my closet
140
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,732
is sort of built
around one head.
141
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:47,300
Well, we'll just
circle this as a "maybe. "
142
00:06:47,335 --> 00:06:48,799
Hmm...
143
00:06:48,834 --> 00:06:51,901
"Desperate woman
needs human hair for wig.
144
00:06:51,936 --> 00:06:53,434
"Will pay any price.
145
00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:56,434
Red preferred. "
146
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:00,934
Al, honey, great news!
147
00:07:00,969 --> 00:07:02,933
Ephus wasn't there,
148
00:07:02,968 --> 00:07:04,717
but Aunt Innie said
if you get her
149
00:07:04,752 --> 00:07:06,432
a blueprint
of the courthouse,
150
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,632
he'll pull his half-ton
under the window,
151
00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:11,234
and you're just a manure ride
away from freedom.
152
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,367
What are you two looking at?
153
00:07:17,402 --> 00:07:19,767
Your lovely red hair.
154
00:07:19,802 --> 00:07:21,868
Oh, Al...
155
00:07:21,903 --> 00:07:23,899
You noticed.
156
00:07:23,934 --> 00:07:27,067
I didn't think
you cared.
157
00:07:27,102 --> 00:07:28,968
Oh, but I do.
158
00:07:29,003 --> 00:07:31,098
Aw.
159
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:32,867
Oh, come on, Buck.
160
00:07:32,902 --> 00:07:34,566
Take your pill.
161
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:37,601
I put it in this nice bonbon.
162
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:44,767
[TOILET FLUSHING]
163
00:07:50,033 --> 00:07:53,367
Al, you have been in there
all morning.
164
00:07:53,402 --> 00:07:55,033
I don't know what it is, Peg.
165
00:07:55,068 --> 00:07:56,199
I haven't eaten a thing
166
00:07:56,234 --> 00:07:59,300
since that piece of cheese
yesterday.
167
00:07:59,335 --> 00:08:01,300
Oh, a bonbon.
168
00:08:07,701 --> 00:08:10,499
Oh, it's nice and crunchy.
169
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:13,098
Gee, I hope
it settles my stomach.
170
00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:16,834
I don't think it'll be in there
long enough.
171
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:22,868
Oh, Al, are you
brushing my hair again?
172
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,065
You know,
to some people,
173
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:25,766
you're just a guy
who needs a shower,
174
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:29,400
but beneath it all,
you really are romantic.
175
00:08:29,435 --> 00:08:31,899
Yep.
176
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:34,732
Yep, I am.
177
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:36,032
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
178
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,834
Peg, bring your hair
over here.
179
00:08:37,869 --> 00:08:40,000
You can
come too, dear.
180
00:08:40,035 --> 00:08:45,265
Sit down.
181
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,634
Hello. We're the Privetts.
We're here to see the hair.
182
00:08:47,669 --> 00:08:48,599
Of course!
183
00:08:48,634 --> 00:08:50,165
Step right into
our showroom.
184
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,834
Uh, dear, these are
our good friends, the, uh...
185
00:08:53,869 --> 00:08:55,232
Privetts.
The Privetts, yes.
186
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:57,534
and this is my lovely wife
the, um...
187
00:08:57,569 --> 00:08:58,965
The Peggy.
188
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,567
Oh, you have
lovely hair!
189
00:09:00,602 --> 00:09:02,401
Why, thank you.
190
00:09:02,436 --> 00:09:04,165
Leo, it's perfect.
191
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,100
Come on, Leo,
you touch it too.
192
00:09:06,934 --> 00:09:08,550
Oh, it's very nice.
193
00:09:08,585 --> 00:09:10,167
Isn't it,
though?
194
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,532
Uh...
195
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,934
Al, could I speak to you
for a minute?
196
00:09:16,969 --> 00:09:18,434
Excuse us
for a second.
197
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:22,232
What's going on here?
198
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:23,799
Well, Peg, I've
gotta pay the IRS,
199
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:26,501
so I'm selling the...
The lawn furniture.
200
00:09:26,536 --> 00:09:27,501
How much you asking?
201
00:09:27,536 --> 00:09:29,199
Um... 10,000.
202
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:33,868
Al, it cost 40 bucks
15 years ago.
203
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,098
So did you.
204
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:40,033
You know, 10,000's
a little steep, Bundy,
205
00:09:40,068 --> 00:09:42,601
but I might
go to, uh, 2000.
206
00:09:42,636 --> 00:09:44,400
Two thousand dollars?
207
00:09:44,435 --> 00:09:45,799
Oh!
208
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:48,250
You know, it's really
worth the money.
209
00:09:48,285 --> 00:09:50,726
Why, you can just
sit on it for hours,
210
00:09:50,761 --> 00:09:53,167
and if you hose it off,
it's good as new.
211
00:09:53,202 --> 00:09:55,032
Five thousand.
212
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:57,200
You don't mind us
taking it from you?
213
00:09:57,235 --> 00:09:59,132
Oh! No.
214
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,499
Why, the dog
just lies on it,
215
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,566
and the birds use it
as a bathroom.
216
00:10:04,601 --> 00:10:07,051
You know, I'll be glad
to get rid of it.
217
00:10:07,086 --> 00:10:09,501
We'll be back tomorrow
with the check.
218
00:10:09,536 --> 00:10:11,499
Could you make that cash?
219
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:14,934
That way, we won't have to
report it to the government.
220
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,934
Five thousand dollars!
221
00:10:17,969 --> 00:10:19,432
Al, we're rich!
222
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,968
Oh, you are the smartest man
in the whole world.
223
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,252
Honey, let's just
forget about this audit.
224
00:10:24,287 --> 00:10:26,501
We'll run from the government
and the kids.
225
00:10:26,536 --> 00:10:28,618
We'll set off
across the country,
226
00:10:28,653 --> 00:10:30,701
and we'll sell lawn furniture!
227
00:10:30,736 --> 00:10:32,067
Oh, God, I love you!
228
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,434
Oops. A split end.
229
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,632
Yeow!
230
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:39,868
Al, what are you doing?
231
00:10:39,903 --> 00:10:40,965
Bud!
232
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,699
Honey, you'll never guess
233
00:10:42,734 --> 00:10:44,950
what your father just sold
for $5000.
234
00:10:44,985 --> 00:10:47,167
Well, sure, I would.
He sold your hair.
235
00:10:47,202 --> 00:10:49,718
Oh, ho, ho! No, silly.
236
00:10:49,753 --> 00:10:52,234
God. The lawn furniture.
237
00:10:52,269 --> 00:10:54,199
Right, Al?
238
00:10:54,234 --> 00:10:56,400
Well, we'll just
discuss that
239
00:10:56,435 --> 00:10:58,567
when you wake up
in the morning.
240
00:10:58,602 --> 00:11:00,367
Oh, no!
241
00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:02,685
Oh, yes.
242
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,968
Oh! Oh, no.
243
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:15,734
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
244
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:29,117
Oh, Peg...
245
00:11:29,152 --> 00:11:31,801
Come to bed.
246
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:36,084
I'm not sleepy.
247
00:11:36,119 --> 00:11:38,265
I can wait.
248
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:42,100
[SINGING TUNE
TO BRAHMS' "LULLABY"]
249
00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:47,334
Well...
250
00:11:49,033 --> 00:11:51,534
I passed math.
251
00:11:53,033 --> 00:11:56,534
French too,
and I'm not even taking that.
252
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,199
What are you doing up, Mom?
253
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:01,234
I'm waiting
for your father to go to sleep.
254
00:12:01,269 --> 00:12:03,901
Kelly, he wants to sell my hair.
255
00:12:03,936 --> 00:12:05,551
What am I gonna do?
256
00:12:05,586 --> 00:12:07,132
Wear a pig nose
257
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:09,133
and dance in the street
for crumbs?
258
00:12:09,168 --> 00:12:11,067
Just kidding, Mom. Good night.
259
00:12:11,102 --> 00:12:13,566
Kelly, honey,
260
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:15,332
you know, when you were a baby,
261
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:19,033
I used to get up every morning
at noon to feed you.
262
00:12:19,068 --> 00:12:22,067
The least you can do
is listen to my problems.
263
00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:23,399
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
264
00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:26,801
I've got the coffee
if you need it.
265
00:12:26,836 --> 00:12:28,335
Is Al asleep?
266
00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:29,652
I don't know.
267
00:12:29,687 --> 00:12:30,899
Let's see.
268
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,133
[IMITATES SNORING]
269
00:12:41,701 --> 00:12:44,133
Hair tease.
270
00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,165
Can you believe him?
271
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,100
With all the hair
in his nose, ears
272
00:12:50,135 --> 00:12:51,267
and on his back,
273
00:12:51,302 --> 00:12:52,400
and he wants mine.
274
00:12:53,534 --> 00:12:55,650
It's hair envy,
is what it is.
275
00:12:55,685 --> 00:12:57,767
It's because
they lose theirs
276
00:12:57,802 --> 00:12:58,732
and we don't,
277
00:12:58,767 --> 00:12:59,833
and they hate us
for it.
278
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,499
They have no respect
for our hair.
279
00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:05,834
They only use it to pull us up,
to pull us down.
280
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:11,650
You know,
one day I'm just gonna say,
281
00:13:11,685 --> 00:13:13,834
"Hey, use your own hair
to wax that car. "
282
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,199
Kelly's right.
283
00:13:18,234 --> 00:13:20,300
She's got the morals
of an alley cat,
284
00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:21,799
but she's right.
285
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:24,499
We give men too much.
286
00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:29,567
We give them our trust,
our love, our support.
287
00:13:29,602 --> 00:13:32,401
We give them $5
to take us to the prom
288
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:35,200
and not tell anyone
they're our cousin.
289
00:13:35,235 --> 00:13:37,265
But they do,
290
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,934
and then you're
the laughingstock
291
00:13:38,969 --> 00:13:40,566
of the entire school.
292
00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,901
And he winds up
in the backseat of your car
293
00:13:42,936 --> 00:13:45,185
with some fat slut
named Roberta.
294
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:47,434
And you have to take
the bus home!
295
00:13:47,469 --> 00:13:48,467
Some prom, huh?
296
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:50,968
Anyway...
297
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:56,133
I say we women must
draw the line at our hair.
298
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,933
It serves a purpose.
299
00:13:57,968 --> 00:14:01,317
Like when you see a guy
with really great buns,
300
00:14:01,352 --> 00:14:04,667
it's your hair that says,
"Saddle up, cowboy. "
301
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:09,200
"Rope me. Brand me.
Break my spirit. "
302
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:14,484
Oh, yeah,
and I'm the alley cat.
303
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:17,901
Well, there's no reasoning
with Al.
304
00:14:17,936 --> 00:14:19,165
If I'm gonna keep my hair,
305
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,601
I'm just gonna
have to stay awake
306
00:14:20,636 --> 00:14:21,998
until that trial.
307
00:14:22,033 --> 00:14:24,216
Then I'll have 20 years
of peace.
308
00:14:24,251 --> 00:14:26,365
Don't you worry
about a thing.
309
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,100
We'll stay up with you.
Won't we, Kelly?
310
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:29,634
Darn right.
311
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:34,033
Our six eyes will beat as one.
312
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,132
Well, good.
313
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,065
We'll sleep
in shifts.
314
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,566
Marcie, you take
the first one.
315
00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:42,984
Kelly, you take
the second.
316
00:14:43,019 --> 00:14:44,367
Marcie, you take
the third.
317
00:14:44,402 --> 00:14:45,998
Right.
318
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:47,834
Just let him try to get past us.
319
00:14:47,869 --> 00:14:50,868
For tonight,
we are woman.
320
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:27,234
[AL SIGHING]
321
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:45,167
[SNIP]
322
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:08,834
Well, I'm all packed for prison.
323
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:13,267
Have a nice time, Daddy.
324
00:16:13,302 --> 00:16:14,432
Come on, Dad,
325
00:16:14,467 --> 00:16:16,234
you've got two more days
till the audit.
326
00:16:16,269 --> 00:16:17,499
Why wait? I'm guilty.
327
00:16:17,534 --> 00:16:20,767
What's my defense?
Your mother's an idiot?
328
00:16:20,802 --> 00:16:22,334
Besides, I deserve
to be punished.
329
00:16:22,369 --> 00:16:24,434
I married your mother.
330
00:16:24,469 --> 00:16:25,766
So long, kids.
331
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,901
Let me know who wins
this year's Bud Bowl.
332
00:16:28,936 --> 00:16:30,098
Come on.
333
00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:32,801
Now, surely you can make $5000
in two days.
334
00:16:32,836 --> 00:16:34,918
[SPUTTERS]
335
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,965
Thanks, son.
336
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,434
Your love's gonna make
those 20 years just fly by.
337
00:16:40,469 --> 00:16:42,133
Now, I'm gonna need
some toilet paper,
338
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,401
two-ply, white.
339
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,599
A harmonica.
340
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:45,732
Oh, and a picture of Mommy
341
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:47,534
in case thoughts of escape
cross my mind.
342
00:16:51,234 --> 00:16:53,567
You know, Kel, maybe
I should get Dad something
343
00:16:53,602 --> 00:16:54,767
to remind him of me.
344
00:16:54,802 --> 00:16:55,833
Fine.
345
00:16:55,868 --> 00:16:57,232
Pack him
some Clearasil
346
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:00,801
and, uh, underwear
with holes in it.
347
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,534
Hi, Al.
Whatcha doin'?
348
00:17:04,569 --> 00:17:06,801
I'm headed for prison.
349
00:17:06,836 --> 00:17:07,899
Oh.
350
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:10,033
Well, I got a problem.
351
00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:14,701
You're probably wondering
why I'm not at work.
352
00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:16,300
I'm looking
at 20 years, Steve.
353
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:17,599
Uh-huh.
354
00:17:17,634 --> 00:17:20,234
I'll bet you think I was fired,
but I wasn't.
355
00:17:20,269 --> 00:17:21,599
I quit.
356
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:23,734
I'll tell you, you wouldn't
believe the politics
357
00:17:23,769 --> 00:17:25,399
that goes on backstage
at a pet shop.
358
00:17:25,434 --> 00:17:27,467
They're putting me in
with killers, Steve.
359
00:17:27,502 --> 00:17:28,699
I mean, there I am,
360
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:30,601
putting down fresh paper
under the macaw...
361
00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:32,032
Which liked me,
by the way,
362
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,933
and don't think
that wasn't noticed.
363
00:17:33,968 --> 00:17:37,367
...when Zeke decides to make
a power play.
364
00:17:37,402 --> 00:17:40,265
He wants birds.
365
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,667
Suddenly,
fish isn't good enough for him.
366
00:17:42,702 --> 00:17:45,265
So he breaks bread
with the owner.
367
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:49,033
Next thing I know,
he's got his hands on my bird,
368
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:52,834
and I'm up to my patootie
in guppy poo.
369
00:17:52,869 --> 00:17:54,032
Steve,
I'll tell you what.
370
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:55,801
What say I make you
a nice license plate
371
00:17:55,836 --> 00:17:58,998
that says
"I'm a bore"?
372
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:02,100
Would that make you
feel better, buddy?
373
00:18:02,135 --> 00:18:03,632
No, it wouldn't, Al.
374
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:07,684
You know what'd
make me feel better?
375
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:11,701
To be the outdoorsman
I was born to be.
376
00:18:11,736 --> 00:18:13,032
Al...
377
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:16,734
I wanna be
a rodeo clown.
378
00:18:18,634 --> 00:18:20,700
You know, something
with the land.
379
00:18:20,735 --> 00:18:22,732
Thing is,
how do I tell Marcie?
380
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:26,601
Well, now, see, that is
a thorny one, Steve.
381
00:18:26,636 --> 00:18:28,768
What say I give that
some thought
382
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,866
while I'm making
my marriage vows
383
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:34,467
in a prison chapel
to a guy named Rock?
384
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:38,766
Okay, okay,
this is something
385
00:18:38,801 --> 00:18:40,901
a man's gotta work out
for himself.
386
00:18:40,936 --> 00:18:42,265
I know.
387
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,132
I'll call my mom.
388
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,968
She always told my Dad
what to do...
389
00:18:46,003 --> 00:18:48,267
until he killed
himself.
390
00:18:49,734 --> 00:18:50,866
Oh, and Al,
391
00:18:50,901 --> 00:18:51,998
when you're in prison,
392
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:54,501
if you run into James Brown...
393
00:18:54,536 --> 00:18:55,965
you tell him for me
394
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,434
there's one white dude out there
who thinks he got a raw deal.
395
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:09,567
Is there no one
who can ease my pain?
396
00:19:09,602 --> 00:19:12,134
Al, honey, great news.
397
00:19:12,169 --> 00:19:14,251
Uncle Toppee called.
398
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:16,299
He pulled some strings,
399
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:19,100
and he got you a cushy gig
in the prison hospital.
400
00:19:19,135 --> 00:19:20,632
You're gonna be
a guinea pig
401
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:24,117
in the experimental
medicine ward.
402
00:19:24,152 --> 00:19:26,642
And you thought
he didn't like you.
403
00:19:26,677 --> 00:19:29,133
Would you get me
cigarettes, kids?
404
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,367
I need lots of cigarettes.
405
00:19:31,402 --> 00:19:33,567
It's for
my new boyfriend.
406
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:38,434
Well, Al, if he only
smokes after sex,
407
00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:41,284
a half a pack'll
do ya.
408
00:19:41,319 --> 00:19:43,393
Aw, that's a good one.
409
00:19:43,428 --> 00:19:45,432
I'm gonna
miss you, Peg.
410
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,100
Well, I guess unless
you're gonna cut your hair,
411
00:19:48,135 --> 00:19:49,200
I'll be going.
412
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,100
Well, I'll see you,
I guess,
413
00:19:58,135 --> 00:19:59,934
in a decade or two.
414
00:19:59,969 --> 00:20:01,734
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
415
00:20:01,769 --> 00:20:02,734
Bye.
See you.
416
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:17,833
Very nice. Very nice.
417
00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:19,766
No "Oh, Dad, please don't go"?
418
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,400
No "Oh, Al, yes,
I'll cut my hair"?
419
00:20:23,435 --> 00:20:27,000
Not even a "Shane,
Shane, come back"?
420
00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:32,165
Honey, no one wants you
to go to prison,
421
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,634
but we're talking about my hair,
for God's sake.
422
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:40,199
Why is everybody
staring at me?
423
00:20:40,234 --> 00:20:42,734
I'm not the only one
in this family with hair.
424
00:20:42,769 --> 00:20:44,532
Bud, what about you?
425
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,767
Yeah, right, I'd be
quite the lady-killer
426
00:20:47,802 --> 00:20:50,968
as a 15-year-old bald kid
with no money.
427
00:20:51,003 --> 00:20:53,000
"Yul Bundy. "
428
00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:56,767
Well, don't look
at me.
429
00:20:56,802 --> 00:20:58,868
I've got finals
coming up.
430
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,265
Peg?
431
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:05,699
I don't wanna cut my hair.
432
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:08,467
We're talking about prison, Peg.
433
00:21:08,502 --> 00:21:10,534
Prison.
434
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,984
Oh, Leo,
it's beautiful.
435
00:21:15,019 --> 00:21:16,743
With this on my head,
436
00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:18,432
I can walk proud again
437
00:21:18,467 --> 00:21:22,467
and forget all about
that woodpecker incident.
438
00:21:22,502 --> 00:21:24,051
What a day, huh?
439
00:21:24,086 --> 00:21:25,566
Well, that's 5000.
440
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,467
Pleasure doing
business with you, Bundy.
441
00:21:27,502 --> 00:21:28,866
Any time, Leo.
442
00:21:28,901 --> 00:21:31,834
Listen, how's the wife
fixed for fingernails?
443
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:35,767
Well, maybe now
is not the time.
444
00:21:35,802 --> 00:21:37,734
Wear it in good health,
Marie.
445
00:21:37,769 --> 00:21:39,399
Thank you.
446
00:21:39,434 --> 00:21:40,901
Hey, if you ever
change your mind
447
00:21:40,936 --> 00:21:42,901
about that lawn
furniture...
448
00:21:46,067 --> 00:21:47,950
He's gone.
449
00:21:47,985 --> 00:21:49,799
Oh! We did it!
450
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:51,265
Five thousand dollars.
451
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:53,134
Oh, Al, that's more
than we'd make
452
00:21:53,169 --> 00:21:54,933
if you had an education.
453
00:21:54,968 --> 00:21:57,934
Pretty good for a guy
stupid enough to marry you, huh?
454
00:21:57,969 --> 00:21:59,532
Oh, ho, ho...
455
00:21:59,567 --> 00:22:01,065
Well, now I'll go pay my taxes,
456
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:03,133
and then the only prison
I'll be in
457
00:22:03,168 --> 00:22:05,167
is the one I created for myself.
458
00:22:05,202 --> 00:22:06,666
Honey, before you go,
459
00:22:06,701 --> 00:22:09,367
I think you'd better walk Buck
over by Marcie's roses.
460
00:22:09,402 --> 00:22:10,834
He's still constipated.
461
00:22:10,869 --> 00:22:12,132
Ah, all right.
462
00:22:12,167 --> 00:22:14,834
He should be eating
what I've been eating.
463
00:22:14,869 --> 00:22:17,132
Worthless fleabag.
464
00:22:17,167 --> 00:22:19,467
Honey, you think the Privetts
will figure this out?
465
00:22:19,502 --> 00:22:21,601
Well, why should they?
It's real hair.
466
00:22:21,636 --> 00:22:24,100
Come on, boy.
467
00:22:40,434 --> 00:22:43,434
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:05,534
[***]
2
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,133
All right.
Are the doors locked?
3
00:01:17,133 --> 00:01:18,133
Check.
4
00:01:18,133 --> 00:01:19,367
Windows bolted?
5
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:20,400
Check.
6
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,667
Car disabled?
7
00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:22,968
Check.
8
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:25,634
Good boy, Bud.
9
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:27,767
There is no way
your daddy's getting
out of here
10
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,267
this allowance day.
11
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:30,300
Where is he?
12
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:33,133
[TOILET FLUSHES]
13
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:36,934
Ah, that's him.
14
00:01:36,934 --> 00:01:38,234
Take your positions.
15
00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:53,267
[BARKS]
16
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:56,033
There he is.
There he is.
17
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,133
[ALL TALKING]
18
00:01:57,133 --> 00:01:58,167
Come back
here.
19
00:01:58,167 --> 00:01:59,167
Dad...
20
00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:02,367
PEG:
Give us
our money!
21
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:03,834
KELLY:
Come on.
22
00:02:03,834 --> 00:02:04,834
Give me that
money!
23
00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,200
Get off
me!
24
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,767
Back, you savages.
Back!
25
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,801
All right, here's your
stinking allowance.
26
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:13,133
[YELLING]
27
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,968
Another
Hallmark moment.
28
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:25,434
Peggy, what are
you doing?
29
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:27,667
[MUFFLED]
It's allowance day.
30
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:29,434
Allowance day?
31
00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:31,767
Al, you are a pig.
32
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:34,100
How dare you make them
grovel like this.
33
00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:38,667
Al, Kelly had
her hand
34
00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:40,434
on a quarter
that I wanted.
35
00:02:40,434 --> 00:02:42,267
[MUFFLED]
Prove it.
36
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:44,801
Open up. I know
it's in there.
37
00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:46,634
No, it's not
in there! No! No!
38
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,267
This is a disgrace,
even for you.
39
00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:51,133
Groveling
on the floor for--
40
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:52,267
Oh, look.
41
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:53,801
See a penny,
pick it up.
42
00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:54,801
All the day
you'll--
43
00:02:54,801 --> 00:02:56,634
[SCREECHING,
CLAMORING]
44
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,701
Excuse me!
45
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,601
But I believe the rest
of that money you took
46
00:03:01,601 --> 00:03:04,167
was in my pockets.
47
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,601
[MUFFLED]
Prove it.
48
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,167
You see how
barbaric
49
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,801
this allowance
idea is, Al?
50
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:11,801
Look at them.
51
00:03:11,801 --> 00:03:14,100
[MUMBLING]
52
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,100
These were once
human beings.
53
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,300
Now, I think
you would all
54
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:19,634
feel better
about yourselves
55
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,968
if you all
got jobs.
56
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:24,767
[LAUGHTER]
57
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:26,734
Now, that would hurt
this man.
58
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:27,801
Tear him apart.
59
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,267
Now, he's the wage
earner, here,
60
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:30,667
and that's how
it's gonna stay.
61
00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:31,734
Eh, big fella?
62
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:34,100
Yeah.
We love him.
63
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,834
You know,
Marcy just gave me
an idea.
64
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:37,467
Two, actually.
65
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,167
One: I want to have
chicken for dinner tonight.
66
00:03:45,534 --> 00:03:49,367
And, two: I'm discontinuing
your allowance.
67
00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,567
[THUMP]
Ow!
68
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:53,767
Kelly,
69
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,868
it's not right
to stomp on
adults.
70
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:58,167
Besides, it
wouldn't hurt you
71
00:03:58,167 --> 00:03:59,667
to earn
your own keep.
72
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,400
Why, you're included
in this too, Peg.
73
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,701
[THUMP]
Ow!
74
00:04:04,701 --> 00:04:05,701
Then it's settled.
75
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:09,267
Today will be
Bundy dollar day.
76
00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:10,567
Each one of you
will go out
77
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:12,868
and try to earn
one lousy, stinking dollar
78
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:14,033
just to see
what it's like.
79
00:04:14,033 --> 00:04:15,501
How does that sound?
80
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,567
No way.
Forget it.
81
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:19,300
Try it on
your other
family.
82
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,934
I think it's
a great idea, Al.
83
00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:22,701
But what they need
is incentive.
84
00:04:22,701 --> 00:04:25,000
So...what Al
is going to do
85
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,567
is match
anything you make.
86
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,200
Double it,
dollar for dollar.
87
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,467
Wait a second.
If I double it,
88
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:31,467
that could get
into some serious
money, here.
89
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:33,200
These three
could make, uh...
90
00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:37,501
Ha, ha.
What the hell.
91
00:04:37,501 --> 00:04:39,167
I'll triple it!
92
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,400
How many cups
in two cups?
93
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,834
How would I know?
94
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,634
Bud, why do people keep on
giving you quarters?
95
00:04:59,634 --> 00:05:00,868
It's not important, Kel.
96
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,100
What is important,
though,
97
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,167
is that it's too slow.
98
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:04,834
Now we've got to
get you a job.
99
00:05:04,834 --> 00:05:07,434
A job? Me?
100
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:11,234
God did not create
this package to work.
101
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:17,667
Well, he didn't create it
to be used
102
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:19,801
as a serving tray
at a bikers' party, either.
103
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:26,801
Just relax, Bimbelina.
104
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:31,667
Hey, here's a likely
prospect for you.
105
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:36,067
"Totally, completely,
utterly nude."
106
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,968
Oh, so what
would I be doing?
107
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:41,367
You're right.
108
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,100
We'll just keep on
looking until we find
109
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,934
"totally, completely,
utterly stupid."
110
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:49,601
Hey, look.
The Gutter Cats
are in town.
111
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,100
They're making
a rock video here.
112
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,367
The Gutter Cats?
113
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,367
Oh man, if I could pick
one group to have my baby,
114
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:55,567
it would be them.
115
00:05:58,868 --> 00:06:01,000
Just sit back
and move your lips
116
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,167
while you listen.
117
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:06,701
"Slutty girls needed for
meaningful music video."
118
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,033
Kelly...go get changed
into your sleaziest dress.
119
00:06:11,033 --> 00:06:12,801
Which one?
120
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,334
The one Dad calls
your belt.
121
00:06:22,934 --> 00:06:24,167
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
122
00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:36,400
Bud, I want this so bad.
123
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,701
What if I'm not
slutty enough?
124
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:38,701
I'd die.
125
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,968
Not slutty enough?
126
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:43,968
Baby,
you've got tramp
127
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,200
written all over
your face.
128
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:47,767
Thanks, Bud.
129
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:49,334
Do you really think
I have a chance?
130
00:06:49,334 --> 00:06:50,734
I mean, what if
those other girls
131
00:06:50,734 --> 00:06:52,033
are prettier
than I am?
132
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:53,033
Not a chance.
133
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,367
I mean, come on,
look at them--
134
00:06:56,767 --> 00:06:58,534
Whoa.
135
00:06:58,534 --> 00:07:01,601
Get yourself
a Milk-Bone.
136
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,067
Look...
you're my agent.
137
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:10,334
Get me the job
and earn your 80 percent.
138
00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:15,634
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT:
Hey, Cecil,
phone call for you.
139
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,667
I'll see what
I can do, Kel.
140
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,400
[SIGHS]
141
00:07:24,434 --> 00:07:26,534
Hello, ladies.
142
00:07:26,534 --> 00:07:30,634
I'm, uh, Bud
Jagger-Richards...
143
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:32,434
the power
behind the band.
144
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:34,334
Now...
as you all know,
145
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:36,534
we're doing
a rock video here.
146
00:07:36,534 --> 00:07:37,567
One that will be setting
147
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:38,868
a new standard
of excellence
148
00:07:38,868 --> 00:07:40,501
in the video realm.
149
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,434
So how many of you
have high moral values?
150
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:46,234
You are
dismissed.
151
00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:53,767
And you call
yourselves sluts.
152
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,934
Alrighty.
153
00:07:56,934 --> 00:08:00,100
Now...we're going to be
asking you girls
154
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:01,601
to do some things
in this video
155
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:04,501
that may not seem
humanly possible.
156
00:08:04,501 --> 00:08:05,801
So...I'd like to start
157
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:09,501
by having a little
pre-audition audition.
158
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:11,601
So, miss, uh...
159
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:12,801
would this offend you?
160
00:08:12,801 --> 00:08:15,000
[WHISPERING]
161
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,868
That's disgusting.
162
00:08:16,868 --> 00:08:19,234
Next!
Damn.
163
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:25,000
My dear...would you
be offended
164
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,200
if perhaps
you were asked to...
165
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,534
[WHISPERS]
166
00:08:29,534 --> 00:08:31,701
No, I wouldn't.
167
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,667
Are you sure
you heard me right?
168
00:08:36,667 --> 00:08:38,968
Very sure.
169
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:42,968
[WHIMPERING]
170
00:08:46,434 --> 00:08:47,701
Hold my calls.
171
00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:58,767
Hi.
172
00:08:58,767 --> 00:08:59,968
What part
are you here for?
173
00:08:59,968 --> 00:09:01,100
Slutty girl.
174
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:03,934
Me too.
175
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,267
You know,
the other girls left
176
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:06,734
because they didn't
want the band
177
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:09,067
to rip their
hair out
by the roots.
178
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:10,100
It grows back.
179
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:13,601
You know,
180
00:09:13,601 --> 00:09:15,634
there's reading required
for this job.
181
00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:18,601
I can read.
182
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,100
[WHISPERS]
Shoot.
183
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:24,534
Change?
184
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,367
I'll be right with you.
185
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,267
You see that guy
over there?
186
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:32,367
That's
the drummer.
187
00:09:32,367 --> 00:09:34,000
He likes you.
188
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,234
He says 10 minutes
with him, you've got
the part.
189
00:09:38,234 --> 00:09:40,267
Well,
I've done worse.
190
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:46,334
[WHISPERS]
191
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:58,234
Oh, man, we're gonna
look at sluts.
192
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:00,901
They're not sluts.
They're ladies.
193
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,701
Okay, which ladies
are here for the slut?
194
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:08,767
One slut?
That's all we get?
195
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:09,934
I thought
we were famous.
196
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:11,767
What he means is,
you got the part.
197
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:22,167
Does this belong to you?
198
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:26,267
Yeah. Only a few
more payments.
199
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,267
What did you do
this time, Peg?
200
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:33,367
Well, I was trying to
earn money like you said.
201
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,934
So I set up
a tollbooth of my very own
202
00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,934
in a good location:
203
00:10:37,934 --> 00:10:39,467
at the airport.
204
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:43,534
They already got
a tollbooth at the airport.
205
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:45,667
Yeah,
but mine's cheaper.
206
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:48,133
[LAUGHING]
207
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:51,634
How much is the fine?
208
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:53,133
Two hundred dollars.
209
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,200
But, because this is
her first offense,
210
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,667
and obviously,
all your money
211
00:10:56,667 --> 00:11:01,300
is tied up
in, uh...despair...
212
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:03,000
I'm gonna let her off
with a warning.
213
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,868
Oh, that's nice.
214
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:07,801
Well, Al,
maybe now you can get rid
215
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,634
of that bumper sticker
that says,
216
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,434
"Support higher education.
217
00:11:11,434 --> 00:11:13,267
Send a cop
to first grade."
218
00:11:14,801 --> 00:11:16,767
[SILENTLY MOUTHING]
219
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:19,167
Uh, ma'am...
would that be
220
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,567
the illegally-
parked vehicle
221
00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,067
with the broken
taillight?
222
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:24,968
Yes. But you can't
give him a ticket
223
00:11:24,968 --> 00:11:28,734
because his registration
is expired.
224
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,133
So there.
225
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:34,934
Now, I'll just
go out
226
00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:37,968
and take care of that
bumper sticker for you.
227
00:11:37,968 --> 00:11:40,133
Thank you,
Officer.
228
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:45,033
[GUNSHOT]
229
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,901
What a lousy shot.
230
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,667
That bumper sticker
was nowhere near
231
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:54,200
your back window.
232
00:11:56,234 --> 00:11:58,033
Can I have
my allowance now, Al?
233
00:11:58,033 --> 00:11:59,834
No.
234
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:01,968
Look, Peg, I'm not asking
for the impossible:
235
00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:04,200
a quick, painless death.
236
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,834
All I want you to do
is earn one lousy dollar.
237
00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,300
Just find something
you do best
238
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:09,834
and get someone
to pay you for it.
239
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:12,667
Oh. Okay.
240
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:17,834
How about giving me $100
for sex tonight?
241
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:20,100
That's only
$50 a minute, Al.
242
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:25,634
Peg, I forgot
to tell you
243
00:12:25,634 --> 00:12:28,334
it has to be something
someone wants.
244
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,667
Well...you know,
245
00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:36,167
I'm sure that
the early cavemen
246
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:37,534
didn't
want fire either
247
00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:39,567
until they got over
their fear of it.
248
00:12:41,634 --> 00:12:44,534
Peg...you're qualified
for lots of things:
249
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:49,767
spirit squasher...
250
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,901
hope dasher...
251
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,968
age accelerator.
252
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,667
That's enough,
thank you.
253
00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:58,767
You know,
I should be paid plenty
254
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:01,901
for the dangers I face
around this house.
255
00:13:01,901 --> 00:13:03,834
You think your underwear
just stops dancing
256
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,033
all on its own?
257
00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:11,067
I stalk it,
I club it...
258
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:15,567
I trick it
into the hamper!
259
00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:16,901
You try doing that
once a week
260
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:19,868
and see if you don't
deserve hazard pay.
261
00:13:19,868 --> 00:13:22,400
Peg, I'd probably
be more appreciative
262
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,701
if you waited till
I took them off first.
263
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:28,367
Now, there must be
something you can do
264
00:13:28,367 --> 00:13:30,033
to earn
a lousy dollar.
265
00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:31,801
Oh, all right, Al.
266
00:13:31,801 --> 00:13:35,367
I'll just
have to concentrate.
267
00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:37,801
Just give me a hug
for good luck.
[GRUNTS]
268
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:42,767
Don't even
think about it.
269
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,834
Earn this.
Cook that.
270
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:48,267
Don't steal.
271
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:50,100
Boy, talk
about the bloom
272
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:51,501
being off the rose.
273
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,434
The fight on yet, Al?
274
00:13:55,434 --> 00:13:57,601
Coming on
any minute.
275
00:13:57,601 --> 00:14:00,400
NEWSCASTER:
Finally, on the lighter side
of the news,
276
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,501
the rock group
the Gutter Cats are in town
277
00:14:02,501 --> 00:14:04,033
to tape their new video.
278
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:06,000
Auditions for the role
of rock slut
279
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,901
were held earlier today.
280
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:10,000
Yummy, yummy.
281
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,434
Eager young women
282
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:14,400
came from as far as
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan,
283
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,234
to give their all
for the Gutter Cats.
284
00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:19,968
Oh, man. Look
what it looks like
285
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,601
before you marry it.
286
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:24,801
I'm telling you, Al,
287
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:26,334
rock is
where it's at.
288
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,667
Did I ever tell you
I was in a rock band
in high school?
289
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:29,667
Even had a cool name:
290
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:31,501
The Tuxedos.
291
00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:33,400
Steve, I'm trying
to watch the girls.
292
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,501
Yeah, gradually, though,
I split from the group.
293
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:37,834
Creative differences.
Well, actually,
294
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:39,801
not enough parts
for my instrument.
295
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:41,133
But you haven't lived
296
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:44,667
till you heard my solo
on "Grazing in the Grass."
297
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:47,868
My sousaphone
wailing...
298
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:49,367
the crowd
on their feet--
299
00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:50,734
Steve, shut up,
will you?
300
00:14:50,734 --> 00:14:51,934
Ok, but
it's a good story.
301
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:55,033
Hey, look at
that blond
302
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:58,000
all over the singer
like a coat.
303
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,434
Oh, boy, I'd like
to give her a--
304
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:06,033
Oops. Sorry, Al.
That's your daughter.
305
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:11,501
Kelly, stop that!
Stop that, Kelly!
306
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:13,267
Hang on, pumpkin.
Daddy's coming.
307
00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:15,133
I'll be
right there.
308
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:17,100
Stay there, pumpkin!
Daddy's coming!
309
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:21,868
Gutter Cats video.
Take one.
310
00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:24,167
One, two, three...
311
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:27,000
[***]
312
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,234
* Shewalked in *
313
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:41,000
*That was enough *
314
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,300
* I'venever seen
Such a beauty queen *
315
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:44,534
* Look so rough *
316
00:15:44,534 --> 00:15:46,334
DIRECTOR:
Where's the girl?
317
00:15:46,334 --> 00:15:47,767
Cue the girl!
318
00:15:47,767 --> 00:15:49,801
[BANGING]
319
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,767
* Tell me honey *
320
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:56,100
* Do you think
There's a place for you *
321
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,667
* In my brain? *
322
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:00,801
* Tell me, baby *
323
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:02,534
* Should I even
Mention now *
324
00:16:02,534 --> 00:16:04,767
* The teen
Magazines? *
325
00:16:05,868 --> 00:16:07,367
DIRECTOR:
The singer.
326
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,234
You're supposed to dance
with the singer.
327
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:10,267
But I like him
better.
328
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,267
DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!
329
00:16:15,701 --> 00:16:16,868
DIRECTOR:
Cue the girl.
330
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,067
[***]
331
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:25,400
* She walked in *
332
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,400
* That was enough *
333
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,667
Oh!
334
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:31,667
Hey! Hey, this box
was in my way.
335
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:33,067
DIRECTOR:
Cut!
336
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:38,000
[YAWNING]
Gutter Cats video.
Take 56.
337
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:40,033
[SNAP]
338
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,133
Action.
339
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:43,901
DRUMMER:
One, two, three...
340
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,667
[***]
341
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:54,501
DIRECTOR [TIRED]:
Cue the girl.
342
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:59,501
* She walked in *
343
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:01,300
* That was enough *
344
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,467
* I never seen
Such a beauty queen *
345
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:05,133
* Look so rough *
346
00:17:05,133 --> 00:17:07,300
DIRECTOR:
To the right.
347
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,400
Your other right.
348
00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:12,367
And don't
look at the camera!
349
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:14,167
I'm not!
350
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,167
Cut!
351
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:19,734
She stinks.
352
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,133
ALL:
Who cares?
353
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,100
Okay. We'll give her
another chance.
354
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,968
There's got to be
something she can do.
355
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,701
[***]
356
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,300
* Tell me, honey *
357
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,667
* Do you think
There's a place for you *
358
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:46,767
* In my brain? *
359
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:48,434
AL:
Where's my little
baby?
360
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,133
Where's
my little baby?
361
00:17:50,133 --> 00:17:51,167
Where's my girl?
362
00:17:53,634 --> 00:17:57,200
Hi, Daddy.
Look, I'm in a video.
363
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,968
* Do you think
There's a place for you... *
364
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:01,067
DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!
365
00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:02,701
What do you want?
366
00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,734
Your liver
on a stick.
367
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:06,133
That's my little girl
up there.
368
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:07,334
Kelly, get down!
369
00:18:07,334 --> 00:18:08,400
[YAWNS]
370
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,400
Boy, am I beat.
371
00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:18,100
Hi, Dad.
I'm engaged.
372
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,267
Good. I'll move
into your room.
373
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,434
Untie your sister.
We're getting out of here.
374
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:23,868
Say, you can't
take the girl.
375
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:26,434
Gee, that's funny.
I think I can.
376
00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:28,534
Dad, I'm sorry,
but as Kelly's agent,
377
00:18:28,534 --> 00:18:30,067
I'm gonna have to
pull rank here.
378
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,234
Bud, your shirt's
on backwards.
379
00:18:32,234 --> 00:18:34,033
Now, you may have
sweet-talked--
380
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:36,367
You may have
sweet-talked a couple
of innocent kids
381
00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:37,434
into doing this trash,
382
00:18:37,434 --> 00:18:39,300
but now you're talking
to a man!
383
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:40,501
And there's no way,
nohow--
384
00:18:40,501 --> 00:18:43,267
Say, you know, you've got
a strong profile.
385
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,167
I bet you'd look good
on camera.
386
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:48,634
You're not the first
to have told me that.
387
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:49,634
Not sissy good looks,
388
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:52,167
but ruggedly
handsome, huh?
389
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:53,434
Yeah. Right?
390
00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:55,133
Super.
Great.
Terrific.
391
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,234
Uh, could somebody
get me down from here?
392
00:18:58,234 --> 00:18:59,434
Quiet, pumpkin.
393
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:01,934
Daddy's talking
to the band.
Say...
394
00:19:01,934 --> 00:19:03,501
how would you like
to be in our video?
395
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:04,801
How much are we
talking about?
396
00:19:04,801 --> 00:19:06,501
Three thousand dollars.
397
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,167
What do I
have to do?
398
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:12,334
Just sit in the car,
look cool,
399
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:14,567
and we'll
handle the rest.
400
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:15,934
Uh, guys,
401
00:19:15,934 --> 00:19:19,033
could-could somebody please
get me down from here?
402
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,133
Guys.
403
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:22,501
Boy, I hate this.
404
00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:23,901
This is the second time
this week
405
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:26,534
somebody has chained me
to a fence and wandered off.
406
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:30,501
Okay, Kelly...
407
00:19:30,501 --> 00:19:31,534
[HARD ROCK PLAYS ON TV]
408
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:34,067
...you made $500.
409
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:37,601
Tripled, that
comes to $1500.
410
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:39,634
And as your agent,
411
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:42,601
my cut comes
to 400 simoleons.
412
00:19:42,601 --> 00:19:47,000
And tripled,
that's $1200.
413
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,267
Ah.
414
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:51,367
Well, Al, that
leaves you with $300.
415
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:53,234
Aren't you proud of us?
416
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,868
[MOANS]
417
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,167
Would you like your
pain medicine now, honey?
418
00:19:58,167 --> 00:19:59,701
[MUMBLES]
419
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,133
Oh, well,
that will be $100.
420
00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:07,200
And tripled,
that comes to $300.
421
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:12,734
Hey, look. Kelly's part
on the video's coming up.
422
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:15,334
* ...Mention now
The teen magazines? *
423
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:16,968
* The teen magazines
Baby *
424
00:20:16,968 --> 00:20:19,834
* Teen magazines*
425
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,501
Here's your
part, Daddy.
426
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:35,434
Yay, Dad!
427
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,634
Very good,
honey.
428
00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:39,734
Very good.
429
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,300
But, you know,
they should have used
430
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:42,667
the second take.
431
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:46,100
That was the one
where Dad actually
caught fire.
432
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,634
Nah, he ruined that one.
433
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:50,400
You could tell
he was unconscious.
434
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,167
Well, kids...now,
we all have some money.
435
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:55,167
Let's go
shopping.
436
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:58,634
Oh, Al,
if the phone rings,
it's Mom.
437
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,234
She's gonna ask
438
00:21:01,234 --> 00:21:02,968
if she can come
and visit for a month.
439
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:05,467
Now, if you don't want her to,
just tell her.
440
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,000
Otherwise, she's coming.
441
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:11,434
Somebody hand me
my hamburger?
442
00:21:11,434 --> 00:21:12,767
[DOOR CLOSES]
443
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:23,300
Ah! Ah! Ah!
444
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:24,300
Oh!
445
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,167
Oh!
446
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:34,234
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
447
00:21:36,968 --> 00:21:40,067
[RINGS]
448
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:41,234
Oh, no.
449
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:42,367
[RINGS]
450
00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:43,534
No.
451
00:21:44,601 --> 00:21:46,667
Buck,
get the phone, boy.
452
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,133
[RINGS]
453
00:21:48,133 --> 00:21:49,601
Buck,
get the phone, boy.
454
00:21:50,834 --> 00:21:52,067
[RINGS]
455
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:06,901
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:05,534
[***]
2
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,133
All right.
Are the doors locked?
3
00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:18,098
Check.
4
00:01:18,133 --> 00:01:19,367
Windows bolted?
5
00:01:19,402 --> 00:01:20,365
Check.
6
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,667
Car disabled?
7
00:01:21,702 --> 00:01:22,968
Check.
8
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:25,599
Good boy, Bud.
9
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:27,767
There is no way your
daddy's getting out of here
10
00:01:27,802 --> 00:01:29,267
this allowance day.
11
00:01:29,302 --> 00:01:31,217
Where is he?
12
00:01:31,252 --> 00:01:33,133
[TOILET FLUSHES]
13
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:36,899
Ah, that's him.
14
00:01:36,934 --> 00:01:38,234
Take your positions.
15
00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:53,267
[BARKS]
16
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:56,033
There he is.
There he is.
17
00:01:56,068 --> 00:01:57,117
[ALL TALKING]
18
00:01:57,152 --> 00:01:58,167
Come back
here.
19
00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,167
Dad...
20
00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:02,367
PEG: Give us our money!
21
00:02:02,402 --> 00:02:03,618
KELLY:
Come on.
22
00:02:03,653 --> 00:02:04,834
Give me that
money!
23
00:02:04,869 --> 00:02:06,165
Get off
me!
24
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,732
Back, you savages.
Back!
25
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,801
All right, here's your
stinking allowance.
26
00:02:10,836 --> 00:02:13,133
[YELLING]
27
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,968
Another
Hallmark moment.
28
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:25,734
Peggy, what are
you doing?
29
00:02:25,769 --> 00:02:27,667
[MUFFLED]
It's allowance day.
30
00:02:27,702 --> 00:02:29,734
Allowance day?
31
00:02:29,769 --> 00:02:31,732
Al, you are a pig.
32
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:34,100
How dare you make them
grovel like this.
33
00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:38,632
Al, Kelly had
her hand
34
00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:40,434
on a quarter
that I wanted.
35
00:02:40,469 --> 00:02:42,232
[MUFFLED]
Prove it.
36
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:44,450
Open up. I know
it's in there.
37
00:02:44,485 --> 00:02:46,876
No, it's not
in there! No! No!
38
00:02:46,911 --> 00:02:49,267
This is a disgrace,
even for you.
39
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,133
Groveling
on the floor for...
40
00:02:51,168 --> 00:02:52,232
Oh, look.
41
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:53,534
See a penny,
pick it up.
42
00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:55,101
All the day
you'll...
43
00:02:55,136 --> 00:02:56,634
[SCREECHING,
CLAMORING]
44
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,666
Excuse me!
45
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,601
But I believe the rest
of that money you took
46
00:03:01,636 --> 00:03:03,618
was in my pockets.
47
00:03:03,653 --> 00:03:05,601
[MUFFLED]
Prove it.
48
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,132
You see how
barbaric
49
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,801
this allowance
idea is, Al?
50
00:03:10,836 --> 00:03:12,468
Look at them.
51
00:03:12,503 --> 00:03:14,065
[MUMBLING]
52
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,200
These were once
human beings.
53
00:03:16,235 --> 00:03:17,934
Now, I think
you would all
54
00:03:17,969 --> 00:03:19,634
feel better
about yourselves
55
00:03:19,669 --> 00:03:21,968
if you all
got jobs.
56
00:03:22,003 --> 00:03:24,732
[LAUGHTER]
57
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:26,734
Now, that would hurt
this man.
58
00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:27,766
Tear him apart.
59
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,234
Now, he's the wage
earner, here,
60
00:03:29,269 --> 00:03:30,667
and that's how
it's gonna stay.
61
00:03:30,702 --> 00:03:31,699
Eh, big fella?
62
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:34,065
Yeah.
We love him.
63
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,834
You know, Marcy just gave me an idea.
64
00:03:35,869 --> 00:03:37,432
Two, actually.
65
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,167
One: I want to have
chicken for dinner tonight.
66
00:03:45,534 --> 00:03:49,367
And, two: I'm discontinuing
your allowance.
67
00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,567
[THUMP]
Ow!
68
00:03:52,602 --> 00:03:53,732
Kelly,
69
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,967
it's not right to stomp on adults.
70
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,167
Besides, it
wouldn't hurt you
71
00:03:58,202 --> 00:03:59,632
to earn
your own keep.
72
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,400
Why, you're included
in this too, Peg.
73
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,666
[THUMP]
Ow!
74
00:04:04,701 --> 00:04:05,666
Then it's settled.
75
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:08,134
Today will be
Bundy dollar day.
76
00:04:08,169 --> 00:04:10,532
Each one of you
will go out
77
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:12,868
and try to earn
one lousy, stinking dollar
78
00:04:12,903 --> 00:04:14,033
just to see
what it's like.
79
00:04:14,068 --> 00:04:15,317
How does that sound?
80
00:04:15,352 --> 00:04:16,532
No way.
Forget it.
81
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,750
Try it on your other family.
82
00:04:18,785 --> 00:04:20,743
I think it's
a great idea, Al.
83
00:04:20,778 --> 00:04:22,701
But what they need
is incentive.
84
00:04:22,736 --> 00:04:24,651
So... what Al
is going to do
85
00:04:24,686 --> 00:04:26,443
is match
anything you make.
86
00:04:26,478 --> 00:04:27,972
Double it,
dollar for dollar.
87
00:04:28,007 --> 00:04:29,432
Wait a second.
If I double it,
88
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:31,467
that could get into
some serious money, here.
89
00:04:31,502 --> 00:04:33,200
These three
could make, uh...
90
00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:37,501
Ha, ha.
What the hell.
91
00:04:37,536 --> 00:04:39,167
I'll triple it!
92
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,400
How many cups
in two cups?
93
00:04:51,435 --> 00:04:53,834
How would I know?
94
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,634
Bud, why do people keep on
giving you quarters?
95
00:04:59,669 --> 00:05:00,884
It's not important, Kel.
96
00:05:00,919 --> 00:05:02,100
What is important,
though,
97
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,132
is that it's too slow.
98
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:04,834
Now we've got to
get you a job.
99
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:07,399
A job? Me?
100
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:11,234
God did not create
this package to work.
101
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:17,632
Well, he didn't create it
to be used
102
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:19,801
as a serving tray
at a bikers' party, either.
103
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:26,801
Just relax, Bimbelina.
104
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:31,667
Hey, here's a likely
prospect for you.
105
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:36,067
"Totally, completely,
utterly nude. "
106
00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:37,968
Oh, so what
would I be doing?
107
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:41,332
You're right.
108
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,150
We'll just keep on
looking until we find
109
00:05:43,185 --> 00:05:44,934
"totally, completely,
utterly stupid. "
110
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:49,601
Hey, look. The Gutter Cats are in town.
111
00:05:49,636 --> 00:05:51,100
They're making
a rock video here.
112
00:05:51,135 --> 00:05:52,332
The Gutter Cats?
113
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,367
Oh man, if I could pick
one group to have my baby,
114
00:05:54,402 --> 00:05:55,567
it would be them.
115
00:05:58,868 --> 00:06:01,000
Just sit back
and move your lips
116
00:06:01,035 --> 00:06:02,167
while you listen.
117
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:06,701
"Slutty girls needed for
meaningful music video. "
118
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,033
Kelly... go get changed
into your sleaziest dress.
119
00:06:11,068 --> 00:06:12,801
Which one?
120
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,334
The one Dad calls
your belt.
121
00:06:22,934 --> 00:06:24,167
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
122
00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:36,365
Bud, I want this so bad.
123
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,701
What if I'm not
slutty enough?
124
00:06:37,736 --> 00:06:38,701
I'd die.
125
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,933
Not slutty enough?
126
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:43,933
Baby,
you've got tramp
127
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,200
written all over
your face.
128
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:47,732
Thanks, Bud.
129
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:49,250
Do you really think
I have a chance?
130
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,734
I mean, what if
those other girls
131
00:06:50,769 --> 00:06:52,033
are prettier
than I am?
132
00:06:52,068 --> 00:06:52,998
Not a chance.
133
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,367
I mean, come on,
look at them...
134
00:06:56,767 --> 00:06:58,499
Whoa.
135
00:06:58,534 --> 00:07:01,601
Get yourself
a Milk-Bone.
136
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,032
Look...
you're my agent.
137
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:10,334
Get me the job
and earn your 80 percent.
138
00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:15,634
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Hey,
Cecil, phone call for you.
139
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,667
I'll see what
I can do, Kel.
140
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,400
[SIGHS]
141
00:07:24,434 --> 00:07:26,499
Hello, ladies.
142
00:07:26,534 --> 00:07:30,634
I'm, uh, Bud
Jagger-Richards...
143
00:07:30,669 --> 00:07:32,501
the power
behind the band.
144
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,299
Now...
as you all know,
145
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:36,534
we're doing
a rock video here.
146
00:07:36,569 --> 00:07:37,532
One that will be setting
147
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:38,868
a new standard
of excellence
148
00:07:38,903 --> 00:07:40,466
in the video realm.
149
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,434
So how many of you
have high moral values?
150
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:46,234
You are
dismissed.
151
00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:53,767
And you call
yourselves sluts.
152
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,899
Alrighty.
153
00:07:56,934 --> 00:08:00,100
Now... we're going to be
asking you girls
154
00:08:00,135 --> 00:08:02,318
to do some things
in this video
155
00:08:02,353 --> 00:08:04,501
that may not seem
humanly possible.
156
00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:05,766
So... I'd like to start
157
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:09,501
by having a little
pre-audition audition.
158
00:08:09,536 --> 00:08:11,566
So, miss, uh...
159
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:12,801
would this offend you?
160
00:08:12,836 --> 00:08:14,965
[WHISPERING]
161
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,868
That's disgusting.
162
00:08:16,903 --> 00:08:19,234
Next!
Damn.
163
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:25,217
My dear... would you
be offended
164
00:08:25,252 --> 00:08:28,200
if perhaps
you were asked to...
165
00:08:28,235 --> 00:08:29,499
[WHISPERS]
166
00:08:29,534 --> 00:08:31,701
No, I wouldn't.
167
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,667
Are you sure
you heard me right?
168
00:08:36,702 --> 00:08:38,968
Very sure.
169
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:42,968
[WHIMPERING]
170
00:08:46,434 --> 00:08:47,701
Hold my calls.
171
00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:58,732
Hi.
172
00:08:58,767 --> 00:08:59,968
What part
are you here for?
173
00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,100
Slutty girl.
174
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:03,899
Me too.
175
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,334
You know,
the other girls left
176
00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:07,218
because they didn't
want the band
177
00:09:07,253 --> 00:09:09,067
to rip their hair out by the roots.
178
00:09:09,102 --> 00:09:10,100
It grows back.
179
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:13,566
You know,
180
00:09:13,601 --> 00:09:15,634
there's reading required
for this job.
181
00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:18,566
I can read.
182
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,100
[WHISPERS]
Shoot.
183
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:24,534
Change?
184
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,367
I'll be right with you.
185
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,267
You see that guy
over there?
186
00:09:31,302 --> 00:09:32,367
That's
the drummer.
187
00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:33,965
He likes you.
188
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,234
He says 10 minutes with
him, you've got the part.
189
00:09:38,234 --> 00:09:40,267
Well,
I've done worse.
190
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:46,334
[WHISPERS]
191
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:58,217
Oh, man, we're gonna
look at sluts.
192
00:09:58,252 --> 00:10:00,866
They're not sluts.
They're ladies.
193
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,701
Okay, which ladies
are here for the slut?
194
00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:07,850
One slut?
That's all we get?
195
00:10:07,885 --> 00:10:09,899
I thought
we were famous.
196
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:11,767
What he means is,
you got the part.
197
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:22,167
Does this belong to you?
198
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:26,267
Yeah. Only a few
more payments.
199
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,232
What did you do
this time, Peg?
200
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:33,367
Well, I was trying to
earn money like you said.
201
00:10:33,402 --> 00:10:35,934
So I set up
a tollbooth of my very own
202
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,718
in a good location:
203
00:10:37,753 --> 00:10:39,467
at the airport.
204
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:43,534
They already got
a tollbooth at the airport.
205
00:10:43,569 --> 00:10:45,667
Yeah,
but mine's cheaper.
206
00:10:45,702 --> 00:10:48,133
[LAUGHING]
207
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:51,683
How much is the fine?
208
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,098
Two hundred dollars.
209
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,200
But, because this is
her first offense,
210
00:10:55,235 --> 00:10:58,267
and obviously,
all your money
211
00:10:58,302 --> 00:11:01,265
is tied up
in, uh... despair...
212
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:03,000
I'm gonna let her off
with a warning.
213
00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:05,833
Oh, that's nice.
214
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:07,751
Well, Al,
maybe now you can get rid
215
00:11:07,786 --> 00:11:09,634
of that bumper sticker
that says,
216
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,468
"Support higher education.
217
00:11:11,503 --> 00:11:13,267
Send a cop
to first grade. "
218
00:11:14,801 --> 00:11:16,732
[SILENTLY MOUTHING]
219
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:18,667
Uh, ma'am...
would that be
220
00:11:18,702 --> 00:11:20,384
the illegally-
parked vehicle
221
00:11:20,419 --> 00:11:22,032
with the broken
taillight?
222
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:25,400
Yes. But you can't
give him a ticket
223
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,734
because his registration
is expired.
224
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,133
So there.
225
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:34,899
Now, I'll just
go out
226
00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:37,968
and take care of that
bumper sticker for you.
227
00:11:38,003 --> 00:11:40,133
Thank you,
Officer.
228
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:45,033
[GUNSHOT]
229
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,866
What a lousy shot.
230
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,667
That bumper sticker
was nowhere near
231
00:11:52,702 --> 00:11:54,200
your back window.
232
00:11:56,234 --> 00:11:58,033
Can I have
my allowance now, Al?
233
00:11:58,068 --> 00:11:59,799
No.
234
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:01,968
Look, Peg, I'm not asking
for the impossible:
235
00:12:02,003 --> 00:12:04,165
a quick, painless death.
236
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,834
All I want you to do
is earn one lousy dollar.
237
00:12:06,869 --> 00:12:08,351
Just find something
you do best
238
00:12:08,386 --> 00:12:09,834
and get someone
to pay you for it.
239
00:12:09,869 --> 00:12:12,632
Oh. Okay.
240
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:17,834
How about giving me $100
for sex tonight?
241
00:12:17,869 --> 00:12:20,100
That's only
$50 a minute, Al.
242
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:25,599
Peg, I forgot
to tell you
243
00:12:25,634 --> 00:12:28,334
it has to be something
someone wants.
244
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,632
Well... you know,
245
00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:36,167
I'm sure that
the early cavemen
246
00:12:36,202 --> 00:12:37,499
didn't
want fire either
247
00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:39,567
until they got over
their fear of it.
248
00:12:41,634 --> 00:12:44,534
Peg... you're qualified
for lots of things:
249
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:49,084
spirit squasher...
250
00:12:49,119 --> 00:12:51,543
hope dasher...
251
00:12:51,578 --> 00:12:53,968
age accelerator.
252
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,632
That's enough,
thank you.
253
00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:58,732
You know,
I should be paid plenty
254
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:01,300
for the dangers I face
around this house.
255
00:13:01,335 --> 00:13:03,834
You think your underwear
just stops dancing
256
00:13:03,869 --> 00:13:06,033
all on its own?
257
00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:11,717
I stalk it,
I club it...
258
00:13:11,752 --> 00:13:14,326
I trick it
into the hamper!
259
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,866
You try doing that
once a week
260
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:19,650
and see if you don't
deserve hazard pay.
261
00:13:19,685 --> 00:13:23,193
Peg, I'd probably
be more appreciative
262
00:13:23,228 --> 00:13:25,797
if you waited till
I took them off first.
263
00:13:25,832 --> 00:13:28,367
Now, there must be
something you can do
264
00:13:28,402 --> 00:13:30,033
to earn
a lousy dollar.
265
00:13:30,068 --> 00:13:31,766
Oh, all right, Al.
266
00:13:31,801 --> 00:13:35,332
I'll just
have to concentrate.
267
00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:37,801
Just give me a hug
for good luck. [GRUNTS]
268
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:42,767
Don't even
think about it.
269
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,834
Earn this.
Cook that.
270
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,232
Don't steal.
271
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:50,100
Boy, talk
about the bloom
272
00:13:50,135 --> 00:13:51,501
being off the rose.
273
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,400
The fight on yet, Al?
274
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,566
Coming on
any minute.
275
00:13:57,601 --> 00:14:00,400
NEWSCASTER: Finally, on the
lighter side of the news,
276
00:14:00,435 --> 00:14:02,501
the rock group
the Gutter Cats are in town
277
00:14:02,536 --> 00:14:03,998
to tape their new video.
278
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:06,000
Auditions for the role
of rock slut
279
00:14:06,035 --> 00:14:07,901
were held earlier today.
280
00:14:07,936 --> 00:14:09,965
Yummy, yummy.
281
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,399
Eager young women
282
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:14,400
came from as far as
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan,
283
00:14:14,435 --> 00:14:17,234
to give their all
for the Gutter Cats.
284
00:14:17,269 --> 00:14:19,968
Oh, man. Look
what it looks like
285
00:14:20,003 --> 00:14:21,601
before you marry it.
286
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:25,067
I'm telling you, Al,
287
00:14:25,102 --> 00:14:26,299
rock is
where it's at.
288
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,667
Did I ever tell you I was in
a rock band in high school?
289
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:29,667
Even had a cool name:
290
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,466
The Tuxedos.
291
00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:33,365
Steve, I'm trying
to watch the girls.
292
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,501
Yeah, gradually, though,
I split from the group.
293
00:14:35,536 --> 00:14:37,668
Creative differences.
Well, actually,
294
00:14:37,703 --> 00:14:39,801
not enough parts
for my instrument.
295
00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:41,098
But you haven't lived
296
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:44,667
till you heard my solo
on "Grazing in the Grass. "
297
00:14:44,702 --> 00:14:47,034
My sousaphone
wailing...
298
00:14:47,069 --> 00:14:48,901
the crowd
on their feet...
299
00:14:48,936 --> 00:14:50,435
Steve, shut up,
will you?
300
00:14:50,470 --> 00:14:52,751
Ok, but
it's a good story.
301
00:14:52,786 --> 00:14:54,998
Hey, look at
that blond
302
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:57,733
all over the singer
like a coat.
303
00:14:57,768 --> 00:15:00,434
Oh, boy, I'd like
to give her a...
304
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:06,033
Oops. Sorry, Al.
That's your daughter.
305
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,683
Kelly, stop that!
Stop that, Kelly!
306
00:15:10,718 --> 00:15:13,267
Hang on, pumpkin.
Daddy's coming.
307
00:15:13,302 --> 00:15:15,098
I'll be
right there.
308
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:17,100
Stay there, pumpkin!
Daddy's coming!
309
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:21,868
Gutter Cats video.
Take one.
310
00:15:21,903 --> 00:15:24,167
One, two, three...
311
00:15:24,202 --> 00:15:27,000
[***]
312
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,100
* Shewalked in *
313
00:15:39,135 --> 00:15:40,965
*That was enough *
314
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,300
* I'venever seen
Such a beauty queen *
315
00:15:43,335 --> 00:15:44,834
* Look so rough *
316
00:15:44,869 --> 00:15:46,334
DIRECTOR:
Where's the girl?
317
00:15:46,369 --> 00:15:48,085
Cue the girl!
318
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,801
[BANGING]
319
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,732
* Tell me honey *
320
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:56,100
* Do you think
There's a place for you *
321
00:15:56,135 --> 00:15:57,667
* In my brain? *
322
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:00,766
* Tell me, baby *
323
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:02,534
* Should I even
Mention now *
324
00:16:02,569 --> 00:16:04,767
* The teen
Magazines? *
325
00:16:05,868 --> 00:16:07,332
DIRECTOR:
The singer.
326
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,234
You're supposed to dance
with the singer.
327
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,267
But I like him
better.
328
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,267
DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!
329
00:16:15,701 --> 00:16:16,868
DIRECTOR:
Cue the girl.
330
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,067
[***]
331
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:25,050
* She walked in *
332
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,400
* That was enough *
333
00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:27,667
Oh!
334
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:31,667
Hey! Hey, this box
was in my way.
335
00:16:31,702 --> 00:16:33,067
DIRECTOR:
Cut!
336
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:38,000
[YAWNING] Gutter Cats video. Take 56.
337
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:40,033
[SNAP]
338
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,098
Action.
339
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:43,901
DRUMMER:
One, two, three...
340
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,667
[***]
341
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:54,501
DIRECTOR [TIRED]:
Cue the girl.
342
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:59,517
* She walked in *
343
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,265
* That was enough *
344
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,467
* I never seen
Such a beauty queen *
345
00:17:03,502 --> 00:17:05,401
* Look so rough *
346
00:17:05,436 --> 00:17:07,300
DIRECTOR:
To the right.
347
00:17:07,335 --> 00:17:08,400
Your other right.
348
00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:12,367
And don't
look at the camera!
349
00:17:12,402 --> 00:17:14,284
I'm not!
350
00:17:14,319 --> 00:17:16,167
Cut!
351
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:19,734
She stinks.
352
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,133
ALL:
Who cares?
353
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,084
Okay. We'll give her
another chance.
354
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:30,968
There's got to be
something she can do.
355
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,701
[***]
356
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,265
* Tell me, honey *
357
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,667
* Do you think
There's a place for you *
358
00:17:44,702 --> 00:17:46,732
* In my brain? *
359
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:48,450
AL: Where's my little baby?
360
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,133
Where's
my little baby?
361
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:51,167
Where's my girl?
362
00:17:53,634 --> 00:17:57,165
Hi, Daddy.
Look, I'm in a video.
363
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,968
* Do you think
There's a place for you... *
364
00:17:59,003 --> 00:18:00,852
DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!
365
00:18:00,887 --> 00:18:02,666
What do you want?
366
00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,699
Your liver
on a stick.
367
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:06,133
That's my little girl
up there.
368
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,334
Kelly, get down!
369
00:18:07,369 --> 00:18:08,365
[YAWNS]
370
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,400
Boy, am I beat.
371
00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:18,065
Hi, Dad.
I'm engaged.
372
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,232
Good. I'll move
into your room.
373
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,434
Untie your sister.
We're getting out of here.
374
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,451
Say, you can't
take the girl.
375
00:18:24,486 --> 00:18:26,510
Gee, that's funny.
I think I can.
376
00:18:26,545 --> 00:18:28,306
Dad, I'm sorry,
but as Kelly's agent,
377
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,287
I'm gonna have to
pull rank here.
378
00:18:30,322 --> 00:18:32,177
Bud, your shirt's
on backwards.
379
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,998
Now, you may have
sweet-talked...
380
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:36,367
You may have sweet-talked
a couple of innocent kids
381
00:18:36,402 --> 00:18:37,399
into doing this trash,
382
00:18:37,434 --> 00:18:39,300
but now you're talking
to a man!
383
00:18:39,335 --> 00:18:40,466
And there's no way,
nohow...
384
00:18:40,501 --> 00:18:43,267
Say, you know, you've got
a strong profile.
385
00:18:43,302 --> 00:18:45,132
I bet you'd look good
on camera.
386
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:48,634
You're not the first
to have told me that.
387
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:49,599
Not sissy good looks,
388
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:52,167
but ruggedly
handsome, huh?
389
00:18:52,202 --> 00:18:53,399
Yeah. Right?
390
00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:55,133
Super. Great. Terrific.
391
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,234
Uh, could somebody
get me down from here?
392
00:18:58,269 --> 00:18:59,399
Quiet, pumpkin.
393
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:01,467
Daddy's talking to the band. Say...
394
00:19:01,502 --> 00:19:03,501
how would you like
to be in our video?
395
00:19:03,536 --> 00:19:04,801
How much are we
talking about?
396
00:19:04,836 --> 00:19:06,501
Three thousand dollars.
397
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,132
What do I
have to do?
398
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:12,334
Just sit in the car,
look cool,
399
00:19:12,369 --> 00:19:14,567
and we'll
handle the rest.
400
00:19:14,602 --> 00:19:15,899
Uh, guys,
401
00:19:15,934 --> 00:19:19,033
could-could somebody please
get me down from here?
402
00:19:19,068 --> 00:19:21,098
Guys.
403
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:22,466
Boy, I hate this.
404
00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:23,866
This is the second time
this week
405
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:26,534
somebody has chained me
to a fence and wandered off.
406
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:30,466
Okay, Kelly...
407
00:19:30,501 --> 00:19:31,534
[HARD ROCK PLAYS ON TV]
408
00:19:31,569 --> 00:19:34,032
...you made $500.
409
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:37,601
Tripled, that
comes to $1500.
410
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,599
And as your agent,
411
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:43,317
my cut comes
to 400 simoleons.
412
00:19:43,352 --> 00:19:47,000
And tripled,
that's $1200.
413
00:19:47,035 --> 00:19:48,232
Ah.
414
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:51,367
Well, Al, that
leaves you with $300.
415
00:19:51,402 --> 00:19:53,234
Aren't you proud of us?
416
00:19:53,269 --> 00:19:54,868
[MOANS]
417
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,167
Would you like your
pain medicine now, honey?
418
00:19:58,202 --> 00:19:59,701
[MUMBLES]
419
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:04,166
Oh, well,
that will be $100.
420
00:20:04,201 --> 00:20:07,200
And tripled,
that comes to $300.
421
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:12,534
Hey, look. Kelly's part
on the video's coming up.
422
00:20:12,569 --> 00:20:15,334
*... Mention now
The teen magazines? *
423
00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:16,968
* The teen magazines
Baby *
424
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:19,252
* Teen magazines*
425
00:20:19,287 --> 00:20:21,501
Here's your
part, Daddy.
426
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:35,399
Yay, Dad!
427
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,634
Very good,
honey.
428
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,699
Very good.
429
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,300
But, you know,
they should have used
430
00:20:41,335 --> 00:20:42,632
the second take.
431
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:46,100
That was the one where
Dad actually caught fire.
432
00:20:46,135 --> 00:20:47,599
Nah, he ruined that one.
433
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:50,365
You could tell
he was unconscious.
434
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,167
Well, kids... now,
we all have some money.
435
00:20:53,202 --> 00:20:55,132
Let's go
shopping.
436
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:58,634
Oh, Al, if the phone rings, it's Mom.
437
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,199
She's gonna ask
438
00:21:01,234 --> 00:21:02,933
if she can come
and visit for a month.
439
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:05,467
Now, if you don't want her to,
just tell her.
440
00:21:05,502 --> 00:21:07,000
Otherwise, she's coming.
441
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:11,434
Somebody hand me
my hamburger?
442
00:21:11,469 --> 00:21:12,767
[DOOR CLOSES]
443
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:23,300
Ah! Ah! Ah!
444
00:21:23,335 --> 00:21:24,751
Oh!
445
00:21:24,786 --> 00:21:26,167
Oh!
446
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:34,234
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
447
00:21:36,968 --> 00:21:39,101
[RINGS]
448
00:21:39,136 --> 00:21:40,751
Oh, no.
449
00:21:40,786 --> 00:21:42,160
[RINGS]
450
00:21:42,195 --> 00:21:43,534
No.
451
00:21:44,601 --> 00:21:46,667
Buck,
get the phone, boy.
452
00:21:46,702 --> 00:21:48,098
[RINGS]
453
00:21:48,133 --> 00:21:49,601
Buck,
get the phone, boy.
454
00:21:50,834 --> 00:21:52,067
[RINGS]
455
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:06,901
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:05,501
[***]
2
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:21,732
TV ANNOUNCER: Today on
Becky: "Men: Scum or Slime?"
3
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:27,732
TV ANNOUNCER 2: Today on Lorraine:
"Men: Couldn't You Just Puke?"
4
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:32,167
TV ANNOUNCER 3: Today on Sharyn,
"Men: Upright Dogs With Paychecks?"
5
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:36,834
That's what I hate about
this time of year.
6
00:01:36,869 --> 00:01:39,167
Nothing on but reruns.
7
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,734
Oh, hi,
honey.
8
00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:51,399
Ow!
9
00:01:51,434 --> 00:01:53,701
What is it, Peg,
couch sores?
10
00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:58,400
No, it's TV thumb.
11
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:03,667
But, I'm a housewife.
It goes with the territory.
12
00:02:04,934 --> 00:02:06,365
So how was
your day?
13
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,567
Peg, it was
the worst day...
14
00:02:07,602 --> 00:02:09,534
That's nice, dear.
15
00:02:09,569 --> 00:02:11,432
I want a vacation.
16
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:13,133
I need to do
something different.
17
00:02:13,168 --> 00:02:14,199
No problem.
18
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,784
Next week when you're
watching TV,
19
00:02:15,819 --> 00:02:17,334
try watching with
your mouth closed.
20
00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:21,098
I'm serious, Al.
21
00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:23,501
They always give you a vacation.
22
00:02:23,536 --> 00:02:24,866
Remember last April?
23
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:27,684
That was my hernia
operation, Peg.
24
00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:30,467
And then what about
Christmas day?
25
00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:31,566
You remember?
26
00:02:31,601 --> 00:02:33,300
You didn't have to
go in until 2.
27
00:02:33,335 --> 00:02:35,232
Yeah, what a day.
28
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:37,334
Between stepping over
your egg-nogged body
29
00:02:37,369 --> 00:02:38,866
and thawing out my underwear
30
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:42,467
you so thoughtfully left
on the clothesline outside...
31
00:02:42,502 --> 00:02:44,701
I did have about
five seconds of fun.
32
00:02:44,736 --> 00:02:46,466
It was watching
all those stars
33
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:49,367
when I stepped on the shovel
Bud left buried in the snow.
34
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,801
Why is it that whenever
I want something,
35
00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:01,232
all you can talk about
is yourself?
36
00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:05,267
It's always my back,
my hernia, my 'roids.
37
00:03:08,801 --> 00:03:11,734
Don't you see the rut
our lives have become?
38
00:03:11,769 --> 00:03:13,499
I need a vacation.
39
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:16,868
Peg, if you want to visit
someplace new, try the kitchen.
40
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,299
And while you're
out there,
41
00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:25,634
don't forgot to take
a picture by the refrigerator.
42
00:03:25,669 --> 00:03:27,701
You know,
Old Empty.
43
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,501
God, I hate men!
44
00:03:35,868 --> 00:03:37,734
I thought you were
man's best friend.
45
00:03:45,167 --> 00:03:47,968
Oh, that's a dog, not a
chicken. Sorry, Marcie.
46
00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:52,100
Oh, shut up, you hamhock.
47
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,299
Peggy, read this note
from Steve.
48
00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:58,234
It was waiting on my pillow
when I came home from work.
49
00:03:58,269 --> 00:03:59,199
"Dear Marcie... "
50
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:02,300
"Dear Marcie"
my sweet patootie!
51
00:04:02,335 --> 00:04:04,299
The geek is
leaving me!
52
00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:07,868
Oh, he doesn't mean that.
He loves you.
53
00:04:07,903 --> 00:04:09,165
I guess
you're right.
54
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,167
He probably meant to say
that when he wrote this:
55
00:04:12,202 --> 00:04:15,033
"Frankly, I'm sick
of you. You disgust me.
56
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:21,617
"I had a full head of
hair when I met you...
57
00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:26,093
and I'm sure my nose grew
during our marriage. "
58
00:04:26,128 --> 00:04:30,534
He says he's going to
Yosemite to be a park ranger.
59
00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:32,466
He's rejected
materialism
60
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:36,200
and all the evils brought
about by the quest for money.
61
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,400
Oh. And he's suing me
for alimony.
62
00:04:38,435 --> 00:04:40,567
[LAUGHING]
63
00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:46,100
Be strong, Marce.
You don't need a man.
64
00:04:46,135 --> 00:04:47,901
I mean, what are they
good for?
65
00:04:47,936 --> 00:04:49,632
They sit there
like a lump.
66
00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:52,567
They pick, they burp,
they let one fly.
67
00:04:57,534 --> 00:05:00,868
And then they smile like
they just won the Nobel prize.
68
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:05,200
Oh.
69
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,467
And then once a month,
they roll over on you
70
00:05:10,502 --> 00:05:12,218
on their way
to the bathroom,
71
00:05:12,253 --> 00:05:13,934
and they call that
loving.
72
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:18,434
Not that you're
not the best, baby.
73
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,732
You should feel lucky
Steve left you.
74
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:27,334
This is the dawn of a
new age for you, Marce.
75
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,951
You know, Peggy.
You're right.
76
00:05:29,986 --> 00:05:32,534
I can do better
than Steve.
77
00:05:32,569 --> 00:05:33,834
I have my health.
78
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:37,117
BOTH:
Right.
79
00:05:37,152 --> 00:05:38,909
I have my youth.
80
00:05:38,944 --> 00:05:40,632
Right.
Yup.
81
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,300
I've got
my looks.
82
00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,934
Thank God I have you
for a support group.
83
00:05:47,969 --> 00:05:49,933
Well, it's Steve's loss.
84
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:52,868
If he can't handle a strong,
intelligent woman,
85
00:05:52,903 --> 00:05:54,467
then tough noogies on him.
86
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:56,499
That's right,
Marce.
87
00:05:56,534 --> 00:05:57,933
He'll come crawling
back to you.
88
00:05:57,968 --> 00:05:59,868
He will. I think this
is just gonna blow over.
89
00:05:59,903 --> 00:06:01,068
You'll be just fine.
90
00:06:01,103 --> 00:06:02,234
Go ahead.
Go home.
91
00:06:02,269 --> 00:06:03,367
Right.
92
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,098
I'm gonna go home...
93
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,267
and cut the crotches
out of all of his pants.
94
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,834
And drag his ties
through dog poo.
95
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:18,033
As far as I'm concerned,
it's just one less egg to fry.
96
00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:22,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
97
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:26,766
I don't want
to be alone.
98
00:06:26,801 --> 00:06:28,601
I'm afraid, I'm weak
and helpless.
99
00:06:28,636 --> 00:06:31,265
There, there.
There, there.
100
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,267
Now... peel her off me,
will you?
101
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:39,200
Now, Marcie. It's
gonna be all right.
102
00:06:39,235 --> 00:06:40,634
You can just
stay here with us.
103
00:06:40,669 --> 00:06:42,299
[MOUTHS]
No.
104
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:43,632
I won't be
in the way?
105
00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:45,801
Oh, of course not. [MOUTHING WORDS]
106
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:47,968
Oh, you're
good people...
107
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,200
and good friends.
108
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,466
Marcie, you're more
like family.
109
00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:59,434
Al... brush the fleas
off Buck's blanket.
110
00:06:59,469 --> 00:07:00,868
We have a guest.
111
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:07,567
"Gee, Garfield,
are those leftovers?"
112
00:07:07,602 --> 00:07:10,033
[LAUGHING]
113
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:22,667
Hi, Kelly.
I... see your butt's moving.
114
00:07:22,702 --> 00:07:24,601
You must be reading.
115
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:28,699
Gee, Bud, you look
a little bit pale.
116
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:31,934
It must be your face trying to
peek out from behind your pimples.
117
00:07:33,334 --> 00:07:34,799
Oh, big news
in the neighborhood.
118
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:37,567
Mr. Rhoades dropped
Mrs. Rhoades like an old shoe.
119
00:07:37,602 --> 00:07:38,866
No kidding?
120
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:41,167
Yup. He left her to go
be a ranger in that park?
121
00:07:41,202 --> 00:07:43,334
You know, the one where
Yogi Bear lives?
122
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,667
Jellystone
National Park?
123
00:07:50,467 --> 00:07:52,834
No, the other one.
Yose-might.
124
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,634
Man... how do you
leave a babe like that?
125
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:05,300
You know, Bud... this
could be your big chance.
126
00:08:07,334 --> 00:08:08,432
What do you mean?
127
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:11,567
Well, Mrs. Rhoades
is staying with us tonight.
128
00:08:11,602 --> 00:08:12,799
She's man-less.
129
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,734
And you must have seen
how she looks at you.
130
00:08:14,769 --> 00:08:16,467
Well, sure.
131
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,467
How?
132
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,801
Bud, don't be a cowpie
your whole life.
133
00:08:24,836 --> 00:08:26,365
She's hot for you.
134
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,998
She's reaching
her sexual peak.
135
00:08:28,033 --> 00:08:31,334
You're reaching your sexual
peak, sad as that may be.
136
00:08:32,501 --> 00:08:34,151
I mean, this could be
your big chance.
137
00:08:34,186 --> 00:08:35,801
And what woman
wouldn't want a virgin?
138
00:08:35,836 --> 00:08:36,801
Yeah!
139
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:44,033
I'll... I'll lie to her
about that part, but, uh...
140
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:49,834
When do you think
I should make my move?
141
00:08:49,869 --> 00:08:52,901
You'll know when
the time is right.
142
00:08:52,936 --> 00:08:55,934
Man! I'm gonna
get me an old woman.
143
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,801
What an idiot.
144
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:06,234
"Odie, did you eat
my la-sag-knee?"
145
00:09:06,269 --> 00:09:08,534
[LAUGHS]
146
00:09:11,934 --> 00:09:13,534
Hi, Mrs. Rhoades.
147
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,299
I guess you heard the news.
148
00:09:16,334 --> 00:09:18,933
Oh, you mean about how
Mr. Rhoades used and left you
149
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:21,901
like you were the hand wipe in
the men's room at the bus station?
150
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:26,334
Ahem, yes.
That news.
151
00:09:26,369 --> 00:09:27,400
Straw head.
152
00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:31,200
Mrs. Rhoades,
let me help you out.
153
00:09:31,235 --> 00:09:33,400
See, you're a nerd girl.
154
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:37,699
And nerd girls get dumped.
155
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:39,901
It's as inevitable as
death in Texas.
156
00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:45,934
So, what you've gotta do
is get yourself a new guy.
157
00:09:45,969 --> 00:09:48,065
Oh, no more men for me.
158
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:52,701
The next man that lays a finger
on me, I'll slap him silly.
159
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,334
Excuse me.
160
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,467
What are you gonna do
if a man touches you?
161
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,467
Slap them silly.
162
00:10:04,502 --> 00:10:05,467
[LAUGHS]
163
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,133
KELLY: She's primed and ready. Go!
164
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:24,100
Coo-coo-ca-choo,
Mrs. Robinson.
165
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:32,200
Oh, hi, Bud.
My, you look nice.
166
00:10:32,235 --> 00:10:35,000
Uhh, so do I.
167
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:41,232
Listen, uh...
168
00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:43,899
I know you're
hurting, babe.
169
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,801
I just wanted to say if
you need a friend or a...
170
00:10:46,836 --> 00:10:49,251
shoulder
to lean on or...
171
00:10:49,286 --> 00:10:51,667
a knee
to bounce on...
172
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:57,000
Just dial "A" for
"All night long. "
173
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,234
Why, thank you, Bud.
I appreciate that.
174
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:08,968
Actually... I really do
need someone to talk to.
175
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:11,534
Steve and I have been
together for so long.
176
00:11:11,569 --> 00:11:14,098
I understand.
177
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:16,466
How could I
have been so blind?
178
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:19,967
Look, uh, let's cut
through the fancy talk.
179
00:11:20,002 --> 00:11:23,434
We both know what
we want here. Mm. Mm.
180
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:26,634
[LOUD SLAP]
181
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:33,499
And if you ever
touch me again,
182
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:37,634
I will slap you so hard, even
your name will be swollen.
183
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:39,965
Got me?
184
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,000
[SQUEALING]
Uh-huh.
185
00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:52,634
What did I
do wrong?
186
00:11:52,669 --> 00:11:54,098
Nothing.
187
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:56,267
Don't you know
anything about women?
188
00:11:56,302 --> 00:11:58,717
Well, no.
189
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:01,098
Well, I do.
190
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:03,265
Her fists were saying
"No, no,"
191
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,734
but there was
"Yes, yes," in her eyes.
192
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,599
Really?
193
00:12:08,634 --> 00:12:10,232
Sure. Listen,
194
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:13,033
next time she bends over,
you just take...
195
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,232
Hi, Marcie.
196
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:19,367
Listen... I want you
to be comfortable,
197
00:12:19,402 --> 00:12:21,234
so I brought you
this pillow.
198
00:12:21,269 --> 00:12:22,434
Oh.
199
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,116
It's nice
and soft.
200
00:12:26,151 --> 00:12:28,065
Oh, yeah.
It has to be.
201
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,434
Al uses it to sit on
when his 'roids flare up.
202
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:39,165
So... how you doing?
203
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,883
Oh, Peggy, I feel
so alone, so miserable.
204
00:12:41,918 --> 00:12:44,567
How am I gonna make it?
What am I gonna do?
205
00:12:44,602 --> 00:12:45,998
Be happy.
206
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:48,467
Forget that your husband
left you.
207
00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,234
Pretend he died.
208
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:54,734
You can't tell me you've
never fantasized about that.
209
00:12:56,601 --> 00:13:00,334
Come on, Marcie.
We all have.
210
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:03,234
[LAUGHTER]
211
00:13:03,269 --> 00:13:04,933
See?
212
00:13:04,968 --> 00:13:08,167
Now, what you've got to do is
start thinking about yourself.
213
00:13:08,202 --> 00:13:10,098
Be selfish.
214
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:13,601
I know. Take us
on a vacation. Huh.
215
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,767
That'll show
that damn Al.
216
00:13:17,802 --> 00:13:19,334
I... I mean,
Steve.
217
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,784
A vacation.
God, I wish I could.
218
00:13:22,819 --> 00:13:24,799
But where would I
get the money?
219
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:28,801
Gee... that's a tough one when
you don't have kids to steal from.
220
00:13:30,634 --> 00:13:32,833
I know. Sell something
of Steve's.
221
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:35,232
He took everything...
except his stereo.
222
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,767
And he wants me to
crate it and ship it to him.
223
00:13:37,802 --> 00:13:39,732
I guess you can't be
a real park ranger
224
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:43,634
without the theme from Brigadoon
blasting on your stereo.
225
00:13:43,669 --> 00:13:45,699
Sell it.
226
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:46,899
I tell you what.
227
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:48,299
Would it make you
feel better
228
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:51,467
if I sold something of Al's
and came with you?
229
00:13:51,502 --> 00:13:52,868
Oh, Peggy, would you?
230
00:13:52,903 --> 00:13:53,833
AL:
Hey, Peg!
231
00:13:53,868 --> 00:13:56,634
Come pop this thing
under my arm!
232
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,200
Well, let's go first thing
in the morning.
233
00:14:01,235 --> 00:14:03,901
Al's a tiger after
he's been popped.
234
00:14:09,501 --> 00:14:12,434
I don't know, Kel. I
did everything you said.
235
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,400
I goosed her.
I blew in her ear.
236
00:14:16,734 --> 00:14:19,167
I even made that sexy
sound with my armpit.
237
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:22,601
You think she's
frigid?
238
00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:26,650
You know, Bud, it's
time to step things up.
239
00:14:26,685 --> 00:14:29,067
You've got to show her
that you're for real.
240
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,899
Do something
that screams romance.
241
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:34,767
Buy a single rose, hold it
in between your teeth
242
00:14:34,802 --> 00:14:35,934
and wait for her
in her bed.
243
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:40,200
I know. Wear your
Ghostbusters jammies.
244
00:14:42,801 --> 00:14:44,367
But don't
tuck them in.
245
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,550
[GRUNTS]
246
00:14:48,585 --> 00:14:49,701
[BOTH GRUNT]
247
00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:59,334
What the hell's wrong
with this remote control?
248
00:14:59,369 --> 00:15:01,065
Well, Dad, I'm no
electrician,
249
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,000
but I'd say the trouble
is the TV's gone.
250
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:14,432
Oh, and by the way,
Dad, so is Mom.
251
00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:17,801
Wait a second. Let's not
gloss over this TV thing.
252
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:22,767
Where the hell is it?
253
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,534
Las Vegas!
254
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,734
Woah!
255
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,701
Oh! The lights,
the money.
256
00:15:33,736 --> 00:15:35,098
The men!
257
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:37,800
I'm as giddy
as a widow.
258
00:15:37,835 --> 00:15:40,432
Well... let's just
check in.
259
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:43,234
After a nice bubble bath
and a good night's sleep,
260
00:15:43,269 --> 00:15:44,766
we'll start bright
and early.
261
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:47,934
I hear they've got a really
neat dam not far from here.
262
00:15:47,969 --> 00:15:50,234
Oh, it's gonna be
so much... Peggy?
263
00:15:50,269 --> 00:15:51,965
Come on, baby.
264
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,801
Mama needs
a new pair of men.
265
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:58,200
[COINS CLATTER]
266
00:15:58,235 --> 00:16:00,432
I won! I won!
267
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:03,499
Look! 75 cents
from one quarter.
268
00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:05,434
How does this place
stay in business?
269
00:16:05,469 --> 00:16:06,801
Let me play!
Let me play!
270
00:16:06,836 --> 00:16:07,801
ALL:
Yay!
271
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,133
Oh. what are we messing
with quarters for?
272
00:16:11,168 --> 00:16:12,434
The real money's
over there.
273
00:16:12,469 --> 00:16:13,666
Come on, Marcie,
let's go.
274
00:16:13,701 --> 00:16:15,133
Oh. Maybe we should
take it slow.
275
00:16:15,168 --> 00:16:16,833
Not when we're
on a streak.
276
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:19,267
We just got here and
we're almost up a buck.
277
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:21,532
We're hot.
278
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:22,901
Come on, grab the bags.
279
00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:24,899
Excuse me.
280
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:26,868
Excuse me.
Make way. Make way.
281
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:27,933
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
282
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:29,567
Excuse me.
Make way. Make way.
283
00:16:30,701 --> 00:16:32,365
Oh! Don't you
recognize
284
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,767
a lady when
you see one? Ha-ha.
285
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,601
[COINS CLATTER]
286
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,400
[LAUGHS]
287
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:48,534
God. What did they have,
a toupee sale here?
288
00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,899
I would like
$20 worth of chips
289
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:03,801
and a Nubian god to
carry home my winnings.
290
00:17:03,836 --> 00:17:05,666
I'm Marcie.
I hate men.
291
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:08,400
But if you get me drunk,
I'm yours.
292
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,499
New shooter
coming out.
293
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:14,367
Okay. Give me room.
Give me room.
294
00:17:14,402 --> 00:17:17,133
Oh, not you.
You stay close.
295
00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:19,734
Let's go!
296
00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:29,100
Lady... roll them
or buy them.
297
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:30,965
Thank you.
298
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,901
C'mon baby. Give me a
seven or send me to heaven.
299
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:36,732
Seven.
300
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:37,901
[CROWD CHEERING]
301
00:17:37,936 --> 00:17:38,866
Did we win?
302
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,065
Of course we won.
303
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,100
You know what they say:
bad marriage, good luck.
304
00:17:44,135 --> 00:17:45,334
Place your bets.
305
00:17:45,369 --> 00:17:46,599
Okay.
306
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,767
Don't give me a two because
my husband sells shoes.
307
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:51,766
Seven.
308
00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:52,998
[CROWD CHEERING]
Aah!
309
00:17:53,033 --> 00:17:55,666
Oh! We won again!
We won again!
310
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,466
How does this place
stay in business?
311
00:17:57,501 --> 00:18:00,868
Oh, I don't know, Marce... but
grease up the men and shoot the women,
312
00:18:00,903 --> 00:18:02,667
because I'm a-rolling!
313
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,466
Well, what are we
gonna do now?
314
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:11,467
We lost all our money...
in eight minutes.
315
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,084
We lost our plane
tickets home.
316
00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:18,367
And we can't even
afford a room.
317
00:18:18,402 --> 00:18:19,466
Yeah...
318
00:18:19,501 --> 00:18:21,767
but we had fun,
didn't we?
319
00:18:21,802 --> 00:18:23,732
Yeah. Yeah, right.
320
00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:26,567
Well, I guess I'll go fluff up
a cactus and sleep in the desert.
321
00:18:26,602 --> 00:18:27,866
Well, you know
what they say:
322
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:29,868
the early bird catches
the Gila monster. Hm.
323
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,884
Boy, you lose your husband
and your life savings.
324
00:18:33,919 --> 00:18:36,701
It doesn't take much to
bring you down, does it?
325
00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:37,801
[LAUGHS]
326
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:41,534
You know, I just know
if I had a bigger stake,
327
00:18:41,569 --> 00:18:43,566
I could break this place.
328
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:46,300
There's just got to be
a way to get more money.
329
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:47,501
[SIGHS]
330
00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:00,899
Hello, Sergeant?
This is Al Bundy again.
331
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:04,067
Listen, I'm... really starting
to get worried now.
332
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,300
I'm sorry. It's getting hard
for me to talk.
333
00:19:07,335 --> 00:19:09,100
Let me... calm down.
334
00:19:09,135 --> 00:19:10,801
A description?
335
00:19:10,836 --> 00:19:12,632
Okay.
336
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:14,634
Nineteen inch, diagonal.
337
00:19:20,234 --> 00:19:22,167
Has a... maple...
338
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:24,766
Maple console.
339
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,667
And it's got notches in it
from where the...
340
00:19:26,702 --> 00:19:28,267
Where the kids grew.
341
00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:29,634
[CRIES]
342
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,165
Dad, what about Mom?
343
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,667
Oh, yeah, my wife's
missing too. Uh...
344
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:36,899
What? A description?
345
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:39,033
I don't know. Listen...
you guys are awful busy.
346
00:19:39,068 --> 00:19:40,567
Why don't you find
the TV first,
347
00:19:40,602 --> 00:19:42,067
and then we'll worry
about the wife.
348
00:19:42,102 --> 00:19:43,199
Yeah.
349
00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:45,834
Uh, listen, let me know
if you hear anything, huh?
350
00:19:45,869 --> 00:19:47,000
All right. Goodbye.
351
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,767
Why didn't I let you know how I
felt about you when I had the chance?
352
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:05,367
Gee, Dad, we've never seen
you touched like this before.
353
00:20:05,402 --> 00:20:08,701
Well, it's just that
I loved that TV so much.
354
00:20:08,736 --> 00:20:11,267
We all did, Dad.
Yeah.
355
00:20:11,302 --> 00:20:13,067
[DOORBELL RINGS]
356
00:20:13,102 --> 00:20:14,234
Who is it?
357
00:20:14,269 --> 00:20:15,367
Pizza
boy.
358
00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:22,332
Here.
359
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:23,501
Twelve dollars,
please.
360
00:20:23,536 --> 00:20:24,585
Yep.
361
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:25,599
[LAUGHS]
362
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:27,717
No, Mr. Bundy,
I'm gonna need cash.
363
00:20:27,752 --> 00:20:29,766
Uh, your credit card
was rejected.
364
00:20:29,801 --> 00:20:32,467
What? That's impossible.
I just paid it off.
365
00:20:32,502 --> 00:20:33,632
[SIGHS]
366
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,666
Look, Bundy, I held up
my part of the deal.
367
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:40,133
I sideswiped a hearse to get
you this pizza in 22 minutes.
368
00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:42,065
Fork over
the 12 bucks.
369
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:44,267
I don't have
that kind of money.
370
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:58,033
Wait a second. I'll take care of this.
371
00:20:58,068 --> 00:20:59,968
I know my credit's
good.
372
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,367
Hello. Al Bundy here.
373
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:11,165
Yes, "No Tip" Bundy.
374
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,499
Now, look, it seems you people
made a little mistake.
375
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:17,100
Now, I ordered a pizza and it
seems my credit card was... What?
376
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:22,467
No, I did not charge $5000
in the last 10 minutes.
377
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:27,732
I see.
378
00:21:27,767 --> 00:21:31,133
And just exactly where did my
wife spend this alleged 5 grand?
379
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:34,467
Thank you very much.
380
00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:41,133
Kids, get a change of clothes
and a baseball bat...
381
00:21:41,168 --> 00:21:42,934
because we're going to Vegas!
382
00:22:03,734 --> 00:22:06,033
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:05,501
[***]
2
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:21,767
TV ANNOUNCER:
Today on Becky:
"Men: Scum or Slime?"
3
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:27,767
TV ANNOUNCER 2:
Today on Lorraine:
"Men: Couldn't You Just Puke?"
4
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:32,167
TV ANNOUNCER 3:
Today on Sharyn, "Men:
Upright Dogs With Paychecks?"
5
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:36,834
That's what I hate about
this time of year.
6
00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:39,167
Nothing on but reruns.
7
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,734
Oh, hi,
honey.
8
00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:51,434
Ow!
9
00:01:51,434 --> 00:01:53,701
What is it, Peg,
couch sores?
10
00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:58,400
No, it's TV thumb.
11
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:03,667
But, I'm a housewife.
It goes with the territory.
12
00:02:04,934 --> 00:02:06,400
So how was
your day?
13
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,567
Peg, it was
the worst day--
14
00:02:07,567 --> 00:02:10,033
That's nice, dear.
15
00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,467
I want a vacation.
16
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:13,133
I need to do
something different.
17
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,234
No problem.
18
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,734
Next week when you're
watching TV,
19
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:17,334
try watching with
your mouth closed.
20
00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:21,133
I'm serious, Al.
21
00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:23,501
They always give you a vacation.
22
00:02:23,501 --> 00:02:24,901
Remember last April?
23
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:28,133
That was my hernia
operation, Peg.
24
00:02:28,133 --> 00:02:30,467
And then what about
Christmas day?
25
00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:31,601
You remember?
26
00:02:31,601 --> 00:02:33,300
You didn't have to
go in until 2.
27
00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:35,267
Yeah, what a day.
28
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:37,334
Between stepping over
your egg-nogged body
29
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,901
and thawing out my underwear
30
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:42,467
you so thoughtfully left
on the clothesline outside...
31
00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:44,701
I did have about
five seconds of fun.
32
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:46,501
It was watching
all those stars
33
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:49,367
when I stepped on the shovel
Bud left buried in the snow.
34
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,801
Why is it that whenever
I want something,
35
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:01,267
all you can talk about
is yourself?
36
00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:05,267
It's always my back,
my hernia, my 'roids.
37
00:03:08,801 --> 00:03:11,734
Don't you see the rut
our lives have become?
38
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:13,534
I need a vacation.
39
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:16,868
Peg, if you want to
visit someplace new,
try the kitchen.
40
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,334
And while you're
out there,
41
00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:25,634
don't forgot to take
a picture by the refrigerator.
42
00:03:25,634 --> 00:03:27,701
You know,
Old Empty.
43
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,501
God, I hate men!
44
00:03:35,868 --> 00:03:37,734
I thought you were
man's best friend.
45
00:03:45,167 --> 00:03:47,968
Oh, that's a dog,
not a chicken.
Sorry, Marcie.
46
00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:52,100
Oh, shut up, you hamhock.
47
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,334
Peggy, read this note
from Steve.
48
00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:58,234
It was waiting
on my pillow when
I came home from work.
49
00:03:58,234 --> 00:03:59,234
"Dear Marcie--"
50
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:02,300
"Dear Marcie"
my sweet patootie!
51
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,334
The geek is
leaving me!
52
00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:07,868
Oh, he doesn't mean that.
He loves you.
53
00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:09,200
I guess
you're right.
54
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,167
He probably meant to
say that when
he wrote this:
55
00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:15,033
"Frankly, I'm sick
of you. You disgust me.
56
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:21,734
"I had a full head
of hair when
I met you...
57
00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:26,467
and I'm sure my nose grew
during our marriage."
58
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:30,534
He says he's going
to Yosemite to be
a park ranger.
59
00:04:30,534 --> 00:04:32,501
He's rejected
materialism
60
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:36,200
and all the evils
brought about
by the quest for money.
61
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,400
Oh. And he's suing me
for alimony.
62
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,567
[LAUGHING]
63
00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:46,100
Be strong, Marce.
You don't need a man.
64
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:48,267
I mean, what are they
good for?
65
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:49,667
They sit there
like a lump.
66
00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:52,567
They pick, they burp,
they let one fly.
67
00:04:57,534 --> 00:05:00,868
And then they smile
like they just won
the Nobel prize.
68
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:05,200
Oh.
69
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,467
And then once a month,
they roll over on you
70
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:11,734
on their way
to the bathroom,
71
00:05:11,734 --> 00:05:13,934
and they call that
loving.
72
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:18,434
Not that you're
not the best, baby.
73
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,767
You should feel lucky
Steve left you.
74
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:27,334
This is the dawn
of a new age
for you, Marce.
75
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:30,501
You know, Peggy.
You're right.
76
00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:32,534
I can do better
than Steve.
77
00:05:32,534 --> 00:05:33,834
I have my health.
78
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:37,167
BOTH:
Right.
79
00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:39,167
I have my youth.
80
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,667
Right.
Yup.
81
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,300
I've got
my looks.
82
00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,934
Thank God I have you
for a support group.
83
00:05:47,934 --> 00:05:49,968
Well, it's Steve's loss.
84
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:52,868
If he can't handle a strong,
intelligent woman,
85
00:05:52,868 --> 00:05:54,467
then tough noogies on him.
86
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:56,534
That's right,
Marce.
87
00:05:56,534 --> 00:05:57,968
He'll come crawling
back to you.
88
00:05:57,968 --> 00:05:59,868
He will. I think this
is just gonna blow over.
89
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:00,868
You'll be just fine.
90
00:06:00,868 --> 00:06:02,234
Go ahead.
Go home.
91
00:06:02,234 --> 00:06:03,367
Right.
92
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,133
I'm gonna go home...
93
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,267
and cut the crotches
out of all of his pants.
94
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,834
And drag his ties
through dog poo.
95
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:18,033
As far as I'm concerned,
it's just one less egg to fry.
96
00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:22,334
[DOORBELL RINGS]
97
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:26,801
I don't want
to be alone.
98
00:06:26,801 --> 00:06:28,601
I'm afraid, I'm weak
and helpless.
99
00:06:28,601 --> 00:06:31,300
There, there.
There, there.
100
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,267
Now...peel her off me,
will you?
101
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:39,200
Now, Marcie. It's
gonna be all right.
102
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,634
You can just
stay here with us.
103
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,334
[MOUTHS]
No.
104
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:43,667
I won't be
in the way?
105
00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:45,801
Oh,
of course not.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
106
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:47,968
Oh, you're
good people...
107
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,200
and good friends.
108
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,501
Marcie, you're more
like family.
109
00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:59,434
Al...brush the fleas
off Buck's blanket.
110
00:06:59,434 --> 00:07:00,868
We have a guest.
111
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:07,567
"Gee, Garfield,
are those leftovers?"
112
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,033
[LAUGHING]
113
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:22,667
Hi, Kelly.
I...see your butt's moving.
114
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:24,601
You must be reading.
115
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:28,734
Gee, Bud, you look
a little bit pale.
116
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:31,934
It must be your face
trying to peek out
from behind your pimples.
117
00:07:33,334 --> 00:07:34,834
Oh, big news
in the neighborhood.
118
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:37,567
Mr. Rhoades dropped
Mrs. Rhoades like an old shoe.
119
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:38,901
No kidding?
120
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:41,167
Yup. He left her
to go be a ranger
in that park?
121
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,334
You know, the one where
Yogi Bear lives?
122
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,667
Jellystone
National Park?
123
00:07:50,467 --> 00:07:52,834
No, the other one.
Yose-might.
124
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,634
Man...how do you
leave a babe like that?
125
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:05,300
You know, Bud...
this could be
your big chance.
126
00:08:07,334 --> 00:08:08,467
What do you mean?
127
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:11,567
Well, Mrs. Rhoades
is staying with us tonight.
128
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:12,834
She's man-less.
129
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,734
And you must have seen
how she looks at you.
130
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:16,467
Well, sure.
131
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,467
How?
132
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,801
Bud, don't be a cowpie
your whole life.
133
00:08:24,801 --> 00:08:26,400
She's hot for you.
134
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,033
She's reaching
her sexual peak.
135
00:08:28,033 --> 00:08:31,334
You're reaching your sexual
peak, sad as that may be.
136
00:08:32,501 --> 00:08:34,100
I mean, this could be
your big chance.
137
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,801
And what woman
wouldn't want a virgin?
138
00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:36,801
Yeah!
139
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:44,033
I'll-- I'll lie to her
about that part,
but, uh...
140
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:49,834
When do you think
I should make my move?
141
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:52,868
You'll know when
the time is right.
142
00:08:52,868 --> 00:08:55,934
Man! I'm gonna
get me an old woman.
143
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,801
What an idiot.
144
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:06,234
"Odie, did you eat
my la-sag-knee?"
145
00:09:06,234 --> 00:09:08,534
[LAUGHS]
146
00:09:11,934 --> 00:09:13,534
Hi, Mrs. Rhoades.
147
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,334
I guess you heard the news.
148
00:09:16,334 --> 00:09:18,968
Oh, you mean about how
Mr. Rhoades used and left you
149
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:21,901
like you were the hand wipe
in the men's room
at the bus station?
150
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:26,334
Ahem, yes.
That news.
151
00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:27,400
Straw head.
152
00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:31,200
Mrs. Rhoades,
let me help you out.
153
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,400
See, you're a nerd girl.
154
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:37,734
And nerd girls get dumped.
155
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:39,901
It's as inevitable as
death in Texas.
156
00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:45,934
So, what you've gotta do
is get yourself a new guy.
157
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,100
Oh, no more men for me.
158
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:52,701
The next man that lays a finger
on me, I'll slap him silly.
159
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,334
Excuse me.
160
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,467
What are you gonna do
if a man touches you?
161
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:04,467
Slap them silly.
162
00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:05,467
[LAUGHS]
163
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,133
KELLY:
She's primed
and ready. Go!
164
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:24,100
Coo-coo-ca-choo,
Mrs. Robinson.
165
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:32,200
Oh, hi, Bud.
My, you look nice.
166
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,000
Uhh, so do I.
167
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:41,267
Listen, uh...
168
00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:43,934
I know you're
hurting, babe.
169
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,801
I just wanted to say
if you need a friend
or a...
170
00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:48,868
shoulder
to lean on or...
171
00:10:48,868 --> 00:10:51,667
a knee
to bounce on...
172
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:57,000
Just dial "A" for
"All night long."
173
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,234
Why, thank you, Bud.
I appreciate that.
174
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:08,968
Actually...I really do
need someone to talk to.
175
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,534
Steve and I have been
together for so long.
176
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:14,133
I understand.
177
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:16,501
How could I
have been so blind?
178
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:20,000
Look, uh, let's
cut through
the fancy talk.
179
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,434
We both know what
we want here. Mm. Mm.
180
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:26,634
[LOUD SLAP]
181
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:33,534
And if you ever
touch me again,
182
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:37,634
I will slap you so hard,
even your name
will be swollen.
183
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,000
Got me?
184
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,000
[SQUEALING]
Uh-huh.
185
00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:52,634
What did I
do wrong?
186
00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:54,133
Nothing.
187
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:56,267
Don't you know
anything about women?
188
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:59,701
Well, no.
189
00:11:59,701 --> 00:12:01,133
Well, I do.
190
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:03,300
Her fists were saying
"No, no,"
191
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,734
but there was
"Yes, yes," in her eyes.
192
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:08,634
Really?
193
00:12:08,634 --> 00:12:10,267
Sure. Listen,
194
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:13,033
next time she bends over,
you just take...
195
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,267
Hi, Marcie.
196
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:19,367
Listen...I want you
to be comfortable,
197
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:21,234
so I brought you
this pillow.
198
00:12:21,234 --> 00:12:22,434
Oh.
199
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:25,334
It's nice
and soft.
200
00:12:25,334 --> 00:12:28,100
Oh, yeah.
It has to be.
201
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,434
Al uses it to sit on
when his 'roids flare up.
202
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:39,200
So...how you doing?
203
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,234
Oh, Peggy, I feel
so alone, so miserable.
204
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:44,567
How am I gonna make it?
What am I gonna do?
205
00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:46,033
Be happy.
206
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:48,467
Forget that your husband
left you.
207
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,234
Pretend he died.
208
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:54,734
You can't tell me you've
never fantasized about that.
209
00:12:56,601 --> 00:13:00,334
Come on, Marcie.
We all have.
210
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:03,234
[LAUGHTER]
211
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:04,968
See?
212
00:13:04,968 --> 00:13:08,167
Now, what you've got to do
is start thinking
about yourself.
213
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:10,133
Be selfish.
214
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:13,601
I know. Take us
on a vacation. Huh.
215
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,767
That'll show
that damn Al.
216
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:19,334
I-- I mean,
Steve.
217
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:23,100
A vacation.
God, I wish I could.
218
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,834
But where would I
get the money?
219
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:28,801
Gee...that's a tough one
when you don't have kids
to steal from.
220
00:13:30,634 --> 00:13:32,868
I know. Sell something
of Steve's.
221
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:35,267
He took everything...
except his stereo.
222
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,767
And he wants me to
crate it and ship it to him.
223
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:39,767
I guess you can't be
a real park ranger
224
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:43,634
without the theme
from Brigadoon
blasting on your stereo.
225
00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:45,734
Sell it.
226
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:46,934
I tell you what.
227
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:48,334
Would it make you
feel better
228
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:51,467
if I sold something of Al's
and came with you?
229
00:13:51,467 --> 00:13:52,868
Oh, Peggy, would you?
230
00:13:52,868 --> 00:13:53,868
AL:
Hey, Peg!
231
00:13:53,868 --> 00:13:56,634
Come pop this thing
under my arm!
232
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,200
Well, let's go first thing
in the morning.
233
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,901
Al's a tiger after
he's been popped.
234
00:14:09,501 --> 00:14:12,434
I don't know, Kel.
I did everything
you said.
235
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,400
I goosed her.
I blew in her ear.
236
00:14:16,734 --> 00:14:19,167
I even made
that sexy sound
with my armpit.
237
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:22,601
You think she's
frigid?
238
00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:26,834
You know, Bud,
it's time to
step things up.
239
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:29,067
You've got to show her
that you're for real.
240
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:31,934
Do something
that screams romance.
241
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:34,767
Buy a single rose, hold it
in between your teeth
242
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:35,934
and wait for her
in her bed.
243
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:40,200
I know. Wear your
Ghostbusters jammies.
244
00:14:42,801 --> 00:14:44,367
But don't
tuck them in.
245
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,400
[GRUNTS]
246
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,701
[BOTH GRUNT]
247
00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:59,334
What the hell's wrong
with this remote control?
248
00:14:59,334 --> 00:15:01,100
Well, Dad, I'm no
electrician,
249
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,000
but I'd say
the trouble is
the TV's gone.
250
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:14,467
Oh, and by the way,
Dad, so is Mom.
251
00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:17,801
Wait a second.
Let's not gloss over
this TV thing.
252
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:22,767
Where the hell is it?
253
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,534
Las Vegas!
254
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,734
Woah!
255
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,701
Oh! The lights,
the money.
256
00:15:33,701 --> 00:15:35,133
The men!
257
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:37,400
I'm as giddy
as a widow.
258
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,467
Well...let's just
check in.
259
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:43,234
After a nice bubble bath
and a good night's sleep,
260
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:44,801
we'll start bright
and early.
261
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:47,934
I hear they've got
a really neat dam
not far from here.
262
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:50,234
Oh, it's gonna be
so much-- Peggy?
263
00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:52,000
Come on, baby.
264
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,801
Mama needs
a new pair of men.
265
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:57,801
[COINS CLATTER]
266
00:15:57,801 --> 00:16:00,467
I won! I won!
267
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:03,534
Look! 75 cents
from one quarter.
268
00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:05,434
How does this place
stay in business?
269
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:06,801
Let me play!
Let me play!
270
00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:07,801
ALL:
Yay!
271
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,133
Oh. what are we messing
with quarters for?
272
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:12,501
The real money's
over there.
273
00:16:12,501 --> 00:16:13,701
Come on, Marcie,
let's go.
274
00:16:13,701 --> 00:16:15,133
Oh. Maybe we should
take it slow.
275
00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:16,868
Not when we're
on a streak.
276
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:19,267
We just got here and
we're almost up a buck.
277
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:21,567
We're hot.
278
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:22,901
Come on, grab the bags.
279
00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:24,934
Excuse me.
280
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:26,868
Excuse me.
Make way. Make way.
281
00:16:26,868 --> 00:16:27,968
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
282
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:29,567
Excuse me.
Make way. Make way.
283
00:16:30,701 --> 00:16:32,400
Oh! Don't you
recognize
284
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,767
a lady when
you see one? Ha-ha.
285
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,601
[COINS CLATTER]
286
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,400
[LAUGHS]
287
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:48,534
God. What did they have,
a toupee sale here?
288
00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,934
I would like
$20 worth of chips
289
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:03,801
and a Nubian god
to carry home
my winnings.
290
00:17:03,801 --> 00:17:05,701
I'm Marcie.
I hate men.
291
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:08,400
But if you get me drunk,
I'm yours.
292
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,534
New shooter
coming out.
293
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:14,367
Okay. Give me room.
Give me room.
294
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,133
Oh, not you.
You stay close.
295
00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:19,734
Let's go!
296
00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:29,100
Lady...roll them
or buy them.
297
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,000
Thank you.
298
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,901
C'mon baby.
Give me a seven
or send me to heaven.
299
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:36,767
Seven.
300
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:37,901
[CROWD CHEERING]
301
00:17:37,901 --> 00:17:38,901
Did we win?
302
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,100
Of course we won.
303
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,100
You know what they say:
bad marriage, good luck.
304
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:45,334
Place your bets.
305
00:17:45,334 --> 00:17:46,634
Okay.
306
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,767
Don't give me a two
because my husband
sells shoes.
307
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:51,801
Seven.
308
00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:53,033
[CROWD CHEERING]
Aah!
309
00:17:53,033 --> 00:17:55,701
Oh! We won again!
We won again!
310
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,501
How does this place
stay in business?
311
00:17:57,501 --> 00:18:00,868
Oh, I don't know, Marce...
but grease up the men
and shoot the women,
312
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:02,667
because I'm a-rolling!
313
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,501
Well, what are we
gonna do now?
314
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:11,467
We lost all our money...
in eight minutes.
315
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,334
We lost our plane
tickets home.
316
00:18:15,334 --> 00:18:18,367
And we can't even
afford a room.
317
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:19,501
Yeah...
318
00:18:19,501 --> 00:18:21,767
but we had fun,
didn't we?
319
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,767
Yeah. Yeah, right.
320
00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:26,567
Well, I guess I'll go
fluff up a cactus
and sleep in the desert.
321
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:27,901
Well, you know
what they say:
322
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:29,868
the early bird catches
the Gila monster.
Hm.
323
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:34,567
Boy, you lose your husband
and your life savings.
324
00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:36,701
It doesn't take much
to bring you down,
does it?
325
00:18:36,701 --> 00:18:37,801
[LAUGHS]
326
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:41,534
You know, I just know
if I had a bigger stake,
327
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:43,601
I could break this place.
328
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:46,300
There's just got to be
a way to get more money.
329
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:47,501
[SIGHS]
330
00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:00,934
Hello, Sergeant?
This is Al Bundy again.
331
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:04,067
Listen, I'm...really starting
to get worried now.
332
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,300
I'm sorry. It's getting hard
for me to talk.
333
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,100
Let me...calm down.
334
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,801
A description?
335
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,667
Okay.
336
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:14,634
Nineteen inch, diagonal.
337
00:19:20,234 --> 00:19:22,167
Has a...maple--
338
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:24,801
Maple console.
339
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,667
And it's got notches in it
from where the--
340
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,267
Where the kids grew.
341
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:29,634
[CRIES]
342
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,200
Dad, what about Mom?
343
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,667
Oh, yeah, my wife's
missing too. Uh...
344
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:36,934
What? A description?
345
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:39,033
I don't know.
Listen...you guys
are awful busy.
346
00:19:39,033 --> 00:19:40,400
Why don't you find
the TV first,
347
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,067
and then we'll worry
about the wife.
348
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,234
Yeah.
349
00:19:43,234 --> 00:19:45,834
Uh, listen, let me know
if you hear anything, huh?
350
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:47,000
All right. Goodbye.
351
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,767
Why didn't I let you know
how I felt about you
when I had the chance?
352
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:05,367
Gee, Dad, we've never
seen you touched
like this before.
353
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:08,701
Well, it's just that
I loved that TV so much.
354
00:20:08,701 --> 00:20:11,267
We all did, Dad.
Yeah.
355
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:13,067
[DOORBELL RINGS]
356
00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:14,067
Who is it?
357
00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,367
Pizza
boy.
358
00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:22,367
Here.
359
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:23,501
Twelve dollars,
please.
360
00:20:23,501 --> 00:20:24,501
Yep.
361
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:25,634
[LAUGHS]
362
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:27,501
No, Mr. Bundy,
I'm gonna need cash.
363
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:29,801
Uh, your credit card
was rejected.
364
00:20:29,801 --> 00:20:32,467
What? That's impossible.
I just paid it off.
365
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:33,667
[SIGHS]
366
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,701
Look, Bundy, I held up
my part of the deal.
367
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:40,133
I sideswiped a hearse
to get you this pizza
in 22 minutes.
368
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:42,100
Fork over
the 12 bucks.
369
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:44,267
I don't have
that kind of money.
370
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:58,033
Wait a second.
I'll take care
of this.
371
00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,968
I know my credit's
good.
372
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,367
Hello. Al Bundy here.
373
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:11,200
Yes, "No Tip" Bundy.
374
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,534
Now, look, it seems you people
made a little mistake.
375
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:17,100
Now, I ordered a pizza
and it seems my credit card
was-- What?
376
00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:22,467
No, I did not charge $5000
in the last 10 minutes.
377
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:27,767
I see.
378
00:21:27,767 --> 00:21:31,133
And just exactly where did my
wife spend this alleged 5 grand?
379
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:34,467
Thank you very much.
380
00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:41,133
Kids, get a change of clothes
and a baseball bat...
381
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,934
because we're going to Vegas!
382
00:22:03,734 --> 00:22:06,033
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:05,901
[***]
2
00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:18,532
NARRATOR: Last week on
Married... with Children:
3
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:21,667
Steve left Marcie, so Peggy decided
they should go someplace to forget.
4
00:01:21,702 --> 00:01:23,034
Las Vegas!
5
00:01:23,069 --> 00:01:24,332
Don't give me
a two,
6
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,100
because my husband
sells shoes.
7
00:01:26,734 --> 00:01:28,100
Seven.
8
00:01:28,135 --> 00:01:29,432
Ah!
9
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,801
To pay for her vacation,
Peggy had to sell
10
00:01:31,836 --> 00:01:33,232
something of Al's.
11
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,567
What the hell's wrong
with this remote control?
12
00:01:35,602 --> 00:01:37,432
Well, Dad,
I'm no electrician,
13
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:39,167
but I'd say the trouble
is the TV's gone.
14
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,067
Oh, and by
the way, Dad,
15
00:01:49,102 --> 00:01:50,451
so is Mom.
16
00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:51,766
Wait a second.
17
00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:54,200
Let's not gloss
over this TV thing.
18
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:57,499
The girls lost all their money.
19
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,917
But Peggy found a way
to get more.
20
00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:02,300
When Al found out,
he took the news
21
00:02:02,335 --> 00:02:03,566
with his usual aplomb.
22
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:07,000
Kids, get a change of clothes
and a baseball bat.
23
00:02:07,035 --> 00:02:09,532
Because we're going to Vegas!
24
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:13,567
And now, Married...
with Children continues.
25
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:24,050
Five thousand
dollars.
26
00:02:24,085 --> 00:02:26,959
I can't
believe it.
27
00:02:26,994 --> 00:02:29,834
We lost $5,000 apiece...
28
00:02:29,869 --> 00:02:31,667
in 22 minutes.
29
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,165
[FORCED LAUGHING]
30
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,167
What are we
gonna do?
31
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,866
So, gals...
32
00:02:39,901 --> 00:02:43,934
who wants to ride
the Wild Elmo?
33
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:48,901
Oh!
34
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:51,899
So, gals.
35
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:54,200
Who wants to ride
the Wild Elmo?
36
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,799
Smart move,
Marcie.
37
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,617
He could've bought us
a couple of drinks.
38
00:02:58,652 --> 00:03:00,400
We could've taken him
in the bathroom
39
00:03:00,435 --> 00:03:02,499
and rolled him.
40
00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:04,933
Didn't your mother
teach you anything?
41
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:07,601
There has to be another way
we can earn some money
42
00:03:07,636 --> 00:03:09,567
and still hang on
to our pride.
43
00:03:09,602 --> 00:03:11,501
[PIANO PLAYS]
44
00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:15,750
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
45
00:03:15,785 --> 00:03:17,667
We're gonna take a break.
But we'll be back
46
00:03:17,702 --> 00:03:19,968
with more
of our special tribute:
47
00:03:20,003 --> 00:03:22,234
"Tony Orlando:
Genius or Madman?"
48
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,799
* If I can *
49
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:33,032
* Make it there *
50
00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:35,800
*I'll make it *
51
00:03:35,835 --> 00:03:38,301
*Anywhere *
52
00:03:38,336 --> 00:03:40,767
* It's up to you *
53
00:03:40,802 --> 00:03:42,934
* New York *
54
00:03:42,969 --> 00:03:46,235
* New *
55
00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:49,501
* York *
56
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,184
New York!
57
00:03:53,219 --> 00:03:54,734
[LAUGHING]
58
00:03:56,701 --> 00:03:58,199
Thank you.
59
00:03:58,234 --> 00:04:00,567
Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.
60
00:04:00,602 --> 00:04:01,699
Now,
61
00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:03,851
let's have a little
round of applause
62
00:04:03,886 --> 00:04:05,968
for the little lady
on the piano.
63
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:07,167
[SILENCE]
64
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,499
Ah, come on,
folks.
65
00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:12,367
Her husband
just left her.
66
00:04:12,402 --> 00:04:13,734
How about it,
huh?
67
00:04:13,769 --> 00:04:15,067
[SLOW CLAPPING]
68
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:19,667
Hey, I know
a pity clap when I hear one.
69
00:04:19,702 --> 00:04:20,632
Shut up, Marcie.
70
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:22,901
You're cooling off
the crowd.
71
00:04:22,936 --> 00:04:25,251
And a great crowd
it is.
72
00:04:25,286 --> 00:04:27,443
Because they've
got...
73
00:04:27,478 --> 00:04:29,601
The look of a lynch mob?
74
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:31,532
No.
75
00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:34,132
Personality!
76
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:37,801
* 'Cause you've got *
77
00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:39,734
* Personality *
78
00:04:39,769 --> 00:04:40,699
* Walk *
79
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:42,033
* Personality *
80
00:04:42,068 --> 00:04:42,998
* Talk *
81
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,234
* Personality *
82
00:04:44,269 --> 00:04:45,199
* Smile *
83
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:46,367
* Personality *
84
00:04:46,402 --> 00:04:47,332
* Charm *
85
00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:48,367
* Personality *
86
00:04:48,402 --> 00:04:49,332
* Love *
87
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:50,799
* Personality *
88
00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:55,167
* 'Cause you got
a great big heart *
89
00:04:55,202 --> 00:04:57,167
* Personality *
90
00:04:57,202 --> 00:04:58,432
[LAUGHING]
91
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:01,033
So, uh, how many of you
are from out of town, huh?
92
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:08,732
Wow.
93
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,699
Las Vegas.
94
00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,250
The city
that never rests.
95
00:05:12,285 --> 00:05:13,732
The city of viva.
96
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,501
The city of lust,
greed and...
97
00:05:15,536 --> 00:05:17,067
excess.
98
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:19,884
My city.
99
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,267
Las Bud.
100
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:24,884
Yeah, well,
over the Rockies,
101
00:05:24,919 --> 00:05:27,026
you were
Mr. "Hold me, Daddy.
102
00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,133
We're gonna fly
into the sun. "
103
00:05:29,168 --> 00:05:30,399
Now, kids.
104
00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:31,834
You know
why we came.
105
00:05:31,869 --> 00:05:33,199
One, to get
my TV.
106
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:34,601
Two, to get
my $5000 back.
107
00:05:34,636 --> 00:05:35,618
And, uh...
108
00:05:35,653 --> 00:05:36,566
[SNAPS]
109
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,067
...what was
that other thing?
110
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,132
Find Mom?
111
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,200
Nah, there was something
before that.
112
00:05:42,235 --> 00:05:43,499
Oh, yeah.
113
00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:45,434
Key Wayne Newton's car.
114
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,400
All right, now I want you
to fan out.
115
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:49,632
And if you find Mommy,
116
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:52,501
or something Daddy
would like a little better...
117
00:05:52,536 --> 00:05:54,267
give the Bundy yell.
118
00:05:54,302 --> 00:05:55,334
I wanna die?
119
00:05:55,369 --> 00:05:56,367
That's the one.
120
00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:58,534
All right.
121
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,901
Hot babe.
122
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,801
Hot babe.
123
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,133
Hot babe.
124
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,567
Hot babe.
125
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:16,901
Cold shower.
126
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:23,600
Look, buddy,
I told ya.
127
00:06:23,635 --> 00:06:25,399
It's 100 bucks
an hour,
128
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:27,501
and they have to be
art photos.
129
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:33,666
Hi, Al.
130
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,033
Look, Marcie.
131
00:06:35,068 --> 00:06:36,367
It's Al.
132
00:06:36,402 --> 00:06:37,667
I'm busy.
133
00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:41,098
Peg...
134
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,234
Look, I know what
you're gonna say.
135
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:44,399
Honey,
136
00:06:44,434 --> 00:06:46,384
it was wrong of me
to sell the TV
137
00:06:46,419 --> 00:06:48,334
and to max out
our credit cards,
138
00:06:48,369 --> 00:06:51,634
and to lose
our $5000.
139
00:06:51,669 --> 00:06:52,599
And believe me,
140
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,934
I've never been
more sorry.
141
00:06:54,969 --> 00:06:56,767
Do you have
any money?
142
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,367
No.
143
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:00,699
Buzz off.
144
00:07:00,734 --> 00:07:02,234
Did you get
anything?
145
00:07:02,269 --> 00:07:03,365
Three dollars.
146
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,365
Boy,
they don't pay
147
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,601
these federal agents
anything.
148
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:09,817
Al, you are
the man.
149
00:07:09,852 --> 00:07:11,499
What are we
gonna do?
150
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:12,917
Peg, if I was
really the man,
151
00:07:12,952 --> 00:07:14,276
I would've
married the TV
152
00:07:14,311 --> 00:07:15,601
and left you
at Sears.
153
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:18,132
All right.
154
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,634
We're a thousand
miles from home,
155
00:07:19,669 --> 00:07:20,799
we're flat broke.
156
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,367
Now give me a minute
to think.
157
00:07:24,534 --> 00:07:27,734
MAN'S VOICE: Do you, Al
Bundy, take this woman
158
00:07:27,769 --> 00:07:30,133
to be
your lawfully-wedded wife?
159
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:34,534
AL:
Do I look that stupid?
160
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,834
Oh, God.
161
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:51,365
Hi, Kelly.
162
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,299
Hey, any luck
finding Mom?
163
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:56,434
Well, I've got, uh,
feelers out everywhere.
164
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,634
What are you
doing?
165
00:07:58,669 --> 00:07:59,732
Just wondering.
166
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,165
I mean, why doesn't everyone
167
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,834
who's looking at
the spinning ball
168
00:08:02,869 --> 00:08:04,367
bet on
number 14?
169
00:08:04,402 --> 00:08:06,065
Well, Kelly,
170
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,968
probably because
the odds are 38-1
171
00:08:08,003 --> 00:08:09,267
against number...
Fourteen!
172
00:08:09,302 --> 00:08:10,701
Pay number 14.
173
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:16,367
That could never,
ever happen again.
174
00:08:16,402 --> 00:08:17,934
That was just
dumb luck.
175
00:08:17,969 --> 00:08:19,299
Thirty-two.
176
00:08:19,334 --> 00:08:20,833
Yeah, right, Kel.
177
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,634
See that fat lady
over there?
178
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,965
If number 32
comes up,
179
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,300
I will go over
and kiss her on...
180
00:08:27,335 --> 00:08:29,267
Thirty-two!
181
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,067
Excuse me.
182
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,766
Now, how did
you do that?
183
00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:52,000
Well, I just let
my mind go blank.
184
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,167
What do you mean,
"let" it?
185
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,000
How can you
stop it?
186
00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:57,998
I'm sorry.
187
00:08:58,033 --> 00:08:59,032
I'm sorry, Kel.
188
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:00,967
You let your mind
go blank and then what?
189
00:09:01,002 --> 00:09:02,868
Well, then a number
comes into it, like...
190
00:09:02,903 --> 00:09:04,101
seven.
191
00:09:04,136 --> 00:09:05,265
Seven!
192
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:09,434
Hey, the real stupid
girl knows the numbers.
193
00:09:11,868 --> 00:09:12,866
I'm rich.
194
00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:14,000
Kelly,
I love you.
195
00:09:14,035 --> 00:09:15,065
I'm not
kidding.
196
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,133
I'm feeling something
very special here.
197
00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:18,784
Kelly, marry me.
198
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,400
Damn the law!
199
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:25,833
Uh, Peggy,
200
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:27,534
he hasn't moved
for an hour.
201
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:32,167
Maybe he thinks
he's having sex.
202
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:40,067
If I was, you'd just
come in and spoil it.
203
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,466
Okay, it's
clear to me,
204
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,801
the only way
to get this money
205
00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:46,551
is for me
to win it back.
206
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,267
So gimme everything
you got.
207
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:52,632
Okay, uh...
208
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,234
8 bucks
and, uh...
209
00:09:54,269 --> 00:09:56,133
some confetti?
210
00:09:57,033 --> 00:09:58,499
That's your
credit card.
211
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:01,032
The machine seems
to be rejecting it.
212
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:04,601
I'll just keep it
as a symbol of our love.
213
00:10:04,636 --> 00:10:06,466
[BLOWS]
214
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:09,084
All right, 8 bucks
is all I'll need.
215
00:10:09,119 --> 00:10:11,667
For I will build this
into a fortune.
216
00:10:11,702 --> 00:10:13,267
Let's kick some booty.
217
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:15,701
Oh, now I know
everything's
218
00:10:15,736 --> 00:10:17,132
gonna be
all right.
219
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,567
Because the man that sifts
through my garbage for food
220
00:10:19,602 --> 00:10:22,434
is gonna break
the bank in Las Vegas.
221
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,833
Are you
gonna play,
222
00:10:31,868 --> 00:10:33,868
or do we just soak in
your exhaust fumes
223
00:10:33,903 --> 00:10:35,534
until we drop?
224
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:37,967
You can't
just play.
225
00:10:38,002 --> 00:10:39,300
I've got
to feel it.
226
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:41,601
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
227
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,100
Nope, I don't
have to go.
228
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:51,532
This is it.
229
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:52,799
This is the one.
230
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:55,100
This is my
lucky table.
231
00:10:55,135 --> 00:10:57,367
This is where
I shall play.
232
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:02,000
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
233
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:21,567
Would you care
to try your luck,
234
00:11:21,602 --> 00:11:23,065
Mister...
235
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,767
Bundy. Al Bundy.
236
00:11:29,434 --> 00:11:31,732
I thought so.
237
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,667
And what is your name, my dear?
238
00:11:33,702 --> 00:11:35,933
Yummy All Day.
239
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:38,300
And yummy all night, too,
I'll wager.
240
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,199
[CHUCKLING]
241
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,434
Don't you remember me?
242
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:45,866
The night in Monaco?
243
00:11:45,901 --> 00:11:49,334
Why, Yummy...
I didn't recognize you dry.
244
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,950
Excuse me, sir,
but...
245
00:11:53,985 --> 00:11:56,642
can I get you
a drink?
246
00:11:56,677 --> 00:11:59,300
Beer. Shaken,
not stirred.
247
00:11:59,335 --> 00:12:00,265
Oh.
248
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,434
I know, I know.
249
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:04,098
Hey, babe.
250
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:05,417
Give me a kiss.
251
00:12:05,452 --> 00:12:07,009
You're hurting me.
252
00:12:07,044 --> 00:12:08,567
I like to hurt women.
253
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,767
[GASPING]
254
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,200
Apologize to the lady.
255
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,767
I'm sorry.
256
00:12:18,934 --> 00:12:20,165
Oh!
257
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,367
Thank you,
Mr. Bundy.
258
00:12:22,402 --> 00:12:23,499
No problem, miss.
259
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,467
Always ready to help out
a lady in distress.
260
00:12:26,502 --> 00:12:29,267
And dis dress,
and dis dress.
261
00:12:31,601 --> 00:12:33,599
Get my beer,
please.
262
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:36,100
Oh, and a TV Guide.
263
00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:37,801
For later.
264
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:40,868
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
265
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:45,199
I like a man...
266
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:47,265
who's on top
of things.
267
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,467
And I like a woman
with things on top.
268
00:12:53,701 --> 00:12:55,968
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
269
00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:02,000
Would you care
to make a bet, sir?
270
00:13:02,035 --> 00:13:03,734
Sir?
271
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:08,399
Sir.
272
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:10,699
Hey, you!
273
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,567
You wanna make
a bet or what?
274
00:13:12,602 --> 00:13:14,501
You bet
I'm gonna bet.
275
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,032
Ungh.
276
00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:20,767
It's a $20 minimum, sir.
277
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,934
Who was
that guy?
278
00:13:29,969 --> 00:13:31,934
Loser. Born loser.
279
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,283
Dad, Mom...
280
00:13:35,318 --> 00:13:37,267
Sweet cheeks.
281
00:13:39,467 --> 00:13:41,334
I looked everywhere
for you, Dad.
282
00:13:41,369 --> 00:13:42,466
I need you
to place a bet.
283
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,300
They won't let me,
because I'm underage.
284
00:13:44,335 --> 00:13:45,300
Come on.
We can't lose.
285
00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:46,599
Thirty-five.
286
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:48,534
Thirty-five.
Yeah.
287
00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:50,950
Thirty-five.
288
00:13:50,985 --> 00:13:52,167
[CHEERING]
289
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:54,265
See that, Dad?
290
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,868
Now, Kelly can pick
winning numbers
291
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:56,902
on the roulette
wheel.
292
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:57,901
She got
20 in a row.
293
00:13:57,936 --> 00:13:59,432
See, Al?
294
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:02,799
And you didn't
want her.
295
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,684
Quick, honey, bet
whatever number she says.
296
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:06,534
Like I don't know what's gonna happen.
297
00:14:06,569 --> 00:14:07,532
As soon as
I bet,
298
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:08,868
she'll pick
the wrong number.
299
00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:10,668
Oh, just bet,
you idiot.
300
00:14:10,703 --> 00:14:12,434
What's the number,
Kel?
301
00:14:12,469 --> 00:14:13,818
Two.
302
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,167
Bet, Al.
303
00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:19,899
Ah! I can't
do it.
304
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:21,232
You know my life,
my luck.
305
00:14:21,267 --> 00:14:23,400
There's no way that
thing's gonna stop on...
306
00:14:23,435 --> 00:14:24,365
Two.
307
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,332
[CHEERING]
308
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,868
Hey, Daddy... the guy
in the cowboy hat
309
00:14:28,903 --> 00:14:30,699
wants to take me
to Monte Carlo.
310
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:33,100
If I promise to be in bed
by 10, can I go?
311
00:14:33,135 --> 00:14:34,399
No.
312
00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:35,699
Now, listen
very carefully.
313
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,367
Everything the Bundys
will ever have
314
00:14:37,402 --> 00:14:38,434
is riding on you.
315
00:14:38,469 --> 00:14:39,432
Now, concentrate.
316
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:43,701
Tell Daddy...
the number.
317
00:14:43,736 --> 00:14:44,868
Thirty-three?
318
00:14:44,903 --> 00:14:45,965
You sure?
319
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,633
She's sure.
Just bet, Dad.
320
00:14:47,668 --> 00:14:49,267
Hurry! Come on!
Hurry!
321
00:14:49,302 --> 00:14:50,667
Eight bucks...
322
00:14:50,702 --> 00:14:52,133
on 33.
323
00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:54,265
And...
324
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:56,200
the winner is...
325
00:14:56,235 --> 00:14:57,699
five.
326
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,200
[GROANING]
327
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,432
What happened,
Kel?
328
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,700
Well, Daddy
made me nervous,
329
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,934
and I couldn't
get my mind
330
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:05,018
to go blank.
331
00:15:05,053 --> 00:15:06,060
Nice work,
Al.
332
00:15:06,095 --> 00:15:07,032
You
stink!
333
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,300
Yeah,
you reek.
334
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,533
Seven.
335
00:15:11,568 --> 00:15:12,667
Seven!
336
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:16,883
KELLY:
Twenty-three.
337
00:15:16,918 --> 00:15:18,200
DEALER:
Twenty-three!
338
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:25,634
Well, Al, now what
are we gonna do?
339
00:15:25,669 --> 00:15:27,065
Well, let's go
for it all.
340
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,801
Let's have a couple
more kids by mistake
341
00:15:28,836 --> 00:15:30,067
and move in
with your mother.
342
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,934
PEG:
Hey, Al.
343
00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:39,400
There's a way
to win $10,000.
344
00:15:39,435 --> 00:15:40,998
What do I do, Peg?
345
00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:43,100
Sell everything I own
20,000 times?
346
00:15:43,801 --> 00:15:44,766
No.
347
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:46,766
All you have to do
348
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:48,667
is wrestle
with a G.L.O.W. Girl
349
00:15:48,702 --> 00:15:49,833
for three minutes.
350
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:51,251
What's
a G.L.O.W. Girl?
351
00:15:51,286 --> 00:15:52,634
So, what time's
your match?
352
00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:53,833
I don't know.
353
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:56,234
I just hope I don't get
another car salesman.
354
00:15:56,269 --> 00:15:57,499
They bite.
355
00:15:57,534 --> 00:15:58,699
Count your
blessings.
356
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,367
Lawyers leave
greasy spots.
357
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,767
You mean,
all I have to do
358
00:16:06,802 --> 00:16:08,332
is roll around
on the floor
359
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,968
for three minutes
with one of those?
360
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:13,100
Well, don't get
too cocky, Al.
361
00:16:13,135 --> 00:16:14,767
You haven't lasted
three minutes
362
00:16:14,802 --> 00:16:16,399
with me in years.
363
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:19,067
Hey, you never
put up 10 grand!
364
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:24,100
Where do I sign?
365
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:28,734
And now, entering the ring
is our challenger,
366
00:16:28,769 --> 00:16:32,334
Al "The Starvin'
Shoe Salesman" Bundy.
367
00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:34,167
[CHEERING]
368
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,133
And now, let's meet
your opponent.
369
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:45,200
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS
OVER SPEAKERS]
370
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:54,998
Oh, gee.
371
00:16:55,033 --> 00:16:58,065
I'm really in for it now,
huh?
372
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:04,267
Yup, because your opponent
is our own... Big Bad Mama!
373
00:17:04,302 --> 00:17:05,767
[CHEERING]
374
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:08,934
Let me at him.
375
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,265
It's $10,000,
Al.
376
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,834
That's a dollar
a pound, Peg!
377
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,133
Get in there,
you big baby.
378
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:26,968
Do it for me.
379
00:17:27,003 --> 00:17:28,432
No!
380
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:29,701
Do it for
the kids.
381
00:17:29,736 --> 00:17:30,699
No!
382
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,901
Al... do it
for the TV.
383
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,467
Come on,
Bundy.
384
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,100
Now, let's go over
the rules.
385
00:17:41,135 --> 00:17:42,551
No eye-gouging.
386
00:17:42,586 --> 00:17:44,293
No foreign objects.
387
00:17:44,328 --> 00:17:45,965
And Big Bad Mama,
388
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,901
no biting
below the waist.
389
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:50,866
I'll try.
390
00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:52,734
That's all
we can ask.
391
00:17:52,769 --> 00:17:53,801
Let's get
it on.
392
00:17:56,501 --> 00:17:57,734
[BELL RINGING]
393
00:17:57,769 --> 00:17:58,984
Wrestle.
394
00:17:59,019 --> 00:18:00,109
Aah!
395
00:18:00,144 --> 00:18:01,165
Help!
396
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,901
Help me! Help me!
Help me!
397
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:07,367
ANNOUNCER: And Big Bad Mama's
got him in a headlock.
398
00:18:07,402 --> 00:18:08,801
God. He fought
harder than that
399
00:18:08,836 --> 00:18:11,065
on our honeymoon.
400
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:14,000
Oh, my! She's rubbing
his eyes against the ropes.
401
00:18:14,035 --> 00:18:15,399
Come on, Al.
402
00:18:15,434 --> 00:18:17,098
You can do it,
honey.
403
00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:20,667
Only 2 minutes
and 48 seconds to go.
404
00:18:20,702 --> 00:18:22,399
[AL SCREAMS]
405
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,300
God,
what a baby.
406
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:28,868
No!
407
00:18:30,701 --> 00:18:33,133
Help me! Help me! Help me!
408
00:18:33,168 --> 00:18:34,098
Hey,
no fair.
409
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:35,868
She's biting
below the waist.
410
00:18:35,903 --> 00:18:38,067
[HIGH-PITCHED
SCREAM]
411
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:41,267
Why isn't he
fighting back?
412
00:18:41,302 --> 00:18:42,866
Oh, it's not
his fault.
413
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:45,234
He's just so
used to losing.
414
00:18:45,269 --> 00:18:46,699
Come on, Al!
415
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,434
You got her right
where you want her.
416
00:18:48,469 --> 00:18:51,100
Mommy. Mommy, help me!
417
00:18:51,135 --> 00:18:52,499
Mommy, help me!
418
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,634
Hey, Mom, do you think
she's really hurting him?
419
00:18:54,669 --> 00:18:55,766
Oh, no.
420
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,767
Everyone knows this
stuff isn't for real.
421
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,167
Peg. Peg!
Peg!
422
00:19:02,202 --> 00:19:05,334
Peg! Peg!
Peg!
423
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:08,868
[LOUD THUD]
424
00:19:08,903 --> 00:19:10,367
Wow.
425
00:19:13,634 --> 00:19:15,165
Okay, babe.
426
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,367
I see what you got.
427
00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:22,601
Let's rock.
428
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,133
Oof!
429
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,000
Aah!
430
00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:34,933
Al...
431
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:37,000
I am really
disappointed with you.
432
00:19:37,035 --> 00:19:39,033
You know, your children
are watching.
433
00:19:39,068 --> 00:19:40,432
I know, Peg.
434
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:42,834
That's why I'm holding
the blood in.
435
00:19:42,869 --> 00:19:44,100
[SCREAMING]
436
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,732
Mom,
I'm afraid.
437
00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,232
I mean, how's he gonna
sell shoes
438
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:53,900
with his head flopping around like that?
439
00:19:53,935 --> 00:19:57,534
CROWD:
Seven... eight... nine... 10...
440
00:19:57,569 --> 00:20:02,367
CROWD:
96... 97... 98... 99...
441
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:04,267
100!
442
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:13,400
Uh, Peggy, I think
she may be killing Al.
443
00:20:13,435 --> 00:20:15,365
Nah, he knows
what he's doing.
444
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,601
He's wearing her out
with the brain-a-dope.
445
00:20:18,901 --> 00:20:20,351
Twenty seconds
to go.
446
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,801
Hang in there,
Bundy!
447
00:20:21,836 --> 00:20:23,185
I did it.
448
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,499
Ilived.
449
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:25,534
ANNOUNCER:
Uh-oh.
450
00:20:25,569 --> 00:20:26,998
What? What?!
451
00:20:27,033 --> 00:20:29,167
Big Bad Mama's
climbing the ropes.
452
00:20:29,202 --> 00:20:30,165
And I think
453
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,234
you all know
what that means.
454
00:20:32,269 --> 00:20:34,065
What? What?!
455
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,167
Get outta
the ring, Al!
456
00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,833
Run! Run!
457
00:20:37,868 --> 00:20:40,017
I can't move my legs.
458
00:20:40,052 --> 00:20:42,167
Someone shoot me!
459
00:20:44,367 --> 00:20:47,367
She's setting him up
for the Big Tsunami.
460
00:20:47,402 --> 00:20:48,732
But she'd better hurry.
461
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:51,434
Three seconds...
two... one...
462
00:20:51,469 --> 00:20:52,432
[BELL RINGS]
463
00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:54,299
And it's over.
464
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:57,067
He's done it.
He's lasted three minutes.
465
00:20:57,102 --> 00:20:58,834
But I don't think
that matters
466
00:20:58,869 --> 00:21:00,365
to Big BadMama.
467
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:04,067
Once she's moving,
there's no stopping her.
468
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:10,367
Good night.
469
00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:13,766
Yah!
470
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:15,917
[LOUD THUD]
471
00:21:15,952 --> 00:21:18,033
[WIND HOWLING]
472
00:21:20,968 --> 00:21:22,432
Come on,
Al.
473
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,065
It's time
to go home.
474
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,267
Must you always
lag behind?
475
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:30,367
Daddy.
476
00:21:30,402 --> 00:21:31,332
Daddy.
477
00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:33,165
Would you like
to try
478
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,067
to drink some more
of these peas?
479
00:21:43,067 --> 00:21:44,532
You were right,
Peggy.
480
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,767
I really did
need a vacation.
481
00:21:46,802 --> 00:21:48,134
I feel renewed.
482
00:21:48,169 --> 00:21:49,368
And you know what?
483
00:21:49,403 --> 00:21:50,532
I don't need
a man.
484
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:52,417
They're just
excess baggage.
485
00:21:52,452 --> 00:21:54,267
[CHUCKLES]
Tell me about it.
486
00:21:54,302 --> 00:21:55,532
You know, Marcie,
487
00:21:55,567 --> 00:21:57,868
it's a shame
to leave Vegas
488
00:21:57,903 --> 00:21:59,635
with this
much cash.
489
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:01,401
Let's gamble
some more.
490
00:22:01,436 --> 00:22:03,098
Maybe take in
a show.
491
00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:04,801
After all, it is
found money.
492
00:22:05,801 --> 00:22:07,784
What about
Dad?
493
00:22:07,819 --> 00:22:09,732
Oh, just leave him
494
00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:12,234
to watch
the twinkling lights.
495
00:22:12,269 --> 00:22:14,667
He's so easily amused.
496
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,100
Ooh.
497
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:42,133
[***]1
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:05,901
[***]
2
00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:18,567
NARRATOR:
Last week on
Married...with Children:
3
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:21,667
Steve left Marcie, so Peggy
decided they should go
someplace to forget.
4
00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:23,334
Las Vegas!
5
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:24,367
Don't give me
a two,
6
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,100
because my husband
sells shoes.
7
00:01:26,734 --> 00:01:28,167
Seven.
8
00:01:28,167 --> 00:01:29,467
Ah!
9
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,801
To pay for her vacation,
Peggy had to sell
10
00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:33,267
something of Al's.
11
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,567
What the hell's wrong
with this remote control?
12
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:37,467
Well, Dad,
I'm no electrician,
13
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:39,167
but I'd say the trouble
is the TV's gone.
14
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,067
Oh, and by
the way, Dad,
15
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,701
so is Mom.
16
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:51,801
Wait a second.
17
00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:54,200
Let's not gloss
over this TV thing.
18
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:57,534
The girls lost all their money.
19
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,501
But Peggy found a way
to get more.
20
00:02:00,501 --> 00:02:02,300
When Al found out,
he took the news
21
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:03,601
with his usual aplomb.
22
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:07,000
Kids, get a change of clothes
and a baseball bat.
23
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,567
Because we're going to Vegas!
24
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:13,567
And now,
Married...with Children
continues.
25
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:24,868
Five thousand
dollars.
26
00:02:24,868 --> 00:02:25,934
I can't
believe it.
27
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:29,834
We lost $5,000 apiece...
28
00:02:29,834 --> 00:02:31,667
in 22 minutes.
29
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,200
[FORCED LAUGHING]
30
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,167
What are we
gonna do?
31
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,901
So, gals...
32
00:02:39,901 --> 00:02:43,934
who wants to ride
the Wild Elmo?
33
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:48,901
Oh!
34
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:51,934
So, gals.
35
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:54,200
Who wants to ride
the Wild Elmo?
36
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,834
Smart move,
Marcie.
37
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,801
He could've bought us
a couple of drinks.
38
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,400
We could've taken him
in the bathroom
39
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,534
and rolled him.
40
00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:04,968
Didn't your mother
teach you anything?
41
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:07,601
There has to be another way
we can earn some money
42
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,567
and still hang on
to our pride.
43
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:11,501
[PIANO PLAYS]
44
00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:15,734
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
45
00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:17,667
We're gonna take a break.
But we'll be back
46
00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:19,334
with more
of our special tribute:
47
00:03:19,334 --> 00:03:22,234
"Tony Orlando:
Genius or Madman?"
48
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,834
* If I can *
49
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:33,067
* Make it there *
50
00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:35,701
*I'll make it *
51
00:03:35,701 --> 00:03:38,534
*Anywhere *
52
00:03:38,534 --> 00:03:40,767
* It's up to you *
53
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:42,934
* New York *
54
00:03:42,934 --> 00:03:45,133
* New *
55
00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:49,501
* York *
56
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,267
New York!
57
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,734
[LAUGHING]
58
00:03:56,701 --> 00:03:58,234
Thank you.
59
00:03:58,234 --> 00:04:00,567
Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.
60
00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:01,734
Now,
61
00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:03,934
let's have a little
round of applause
62
00:04:03,934 --> 00:04:05,968
for the little lady
on the piano.
63
00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:07,167
[SILENCE]
64
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,534
Ah, come on,
folks.
65
00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:12,367
Her husband
just left her.
66
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:13,567
How about it,
huh?
67
00:04:13,567 --> 00:04:15,067
[SLOW CLAPPING]
68
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:19,667
Hey, I know
a pity clap when I hear one.
69
00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:20,667
Shut up, Marcie.
70
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:22,901
You're cooling off
the crowd.
71
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:25,968
And a great crowd
it is.
72
00:04:25,968 --> 00:04:27,567
Because they've
got...
73
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:29,601
The look of a lynch mob?
74
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,567
No.
75
00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:34,167
Personality!
76
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:37,801
* 'Cause you've got *
77
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:39,734
* Personality *
78
00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:40,734
* Walk *
79
00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:42,033
* Personality *
80
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:43,033
* Talk *
81
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,234
* Personality *
82
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:45,234
* Smile *
83
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:46,367
* Personality *
84
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:47,367
* Charm *
85
00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:48,367
* Personality *
86
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,367
* Love *
87
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:50,834
* Personality *
88
00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:55,167
* 'Cause you got
a great big heart *
89
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,167
* Personality *
90
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,467
[LAUGHING]
91
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:01,033
So, uh, how many of you
are from out of town, huh?
92
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:08,767
Wow.
93
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,734
Las Vegas.
94
00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,300
The city
that never rests.
95
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,767
The city of viva.
96
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,501
The city of lust,
greed and...
97
00:05:15,501 --> 00:05:17,067
excess.
98
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:19,901
My city.
99
00:05:19,901 --> 00:05:21,267
Las Bud.
100
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:24,801
Yeah, well,
over the Rockies,
101
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:26,868
you were
Mr. "Hold me, Daddy.
102
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,133
We're gonna fly
into the sun."
103
00:05:29,133 --> 00:05:30,434
Now, kids.
104
00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:31,801
You know
why we came.
105
00:05:31,801 --> 00:05:33,234
One, to get
my TV.
106
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:34,601
Two, to get
my $5000 back.
107
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:35,601
And, uh...
108
00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:36,601
[SNAPS]
109
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,067
...what was
that other thing?
110
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,167
Find Mom?
111
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,200
Nah, there was something
before that.
112
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,534
Oh, yeah.
113
00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:45,434
Key Wayne Newton's car.
114
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,400
All right, now I want you
to fan out.
115
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,667
And if you find Mommy,
116
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:52,501
or something Daddy
would like a little better...
117
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:54,267
give the Bundy yell.
118
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:55,267
I wanna die?
119
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:56,367
That's the one.
120
00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:58,534
All right.
121
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,901
Hot babe.
122
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,801
Hot babe.
123
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,133
Hot babe.
124
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,567
Hot babe.
125
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:16,901
Cold shower.
126
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:23,701
Look, buddy,
I told ya.
127
00:06:23,701 --> 00:06:25,434
It's 100 bucks
an hour,
128
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:27,501
and they have to be
art photos.
129
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:33,701
Hi, Al.
130
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,033
Look, Marcie.
131
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:36,601
It's Al.
132
00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:37,667
I'm busy.
133
00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:41,133
Peg--
134
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,234
Look, I know what
you're gonna say.
135
00:06:43,234 --> 00:06:44,434
Honey,
136
00:06:44,434 --> 00:06:46,534
it was wrong of me
to sell the TV
137
00:06:46,534 --> 00:06:48,334
and to max out
our credit cards,
138
00:06:48,334 --> 00:06:51,634
and to lose
our $5000.
139
00:06:51,634 --> 00:06:52,634
And believe me,
140
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,934
I've never been
more sorry.
141
00:06:54,934 --> 00:06:56,767
Do you have
any money?
142
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,367
No.
143
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:00,734
Buzz off.
144
00:07:00,734 --> 00:07:02,234
Did you get
anything?
145
00:07:02,234 --> 00:07:03,400
Three dollars.
146
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,400
Boy,
they don't pay
147
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,601
these federal agents
anything.
148
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,000
Al, you are
the man.
149
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,534
What are we
gonna do?
150
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,200
Peg, if I was
really the man,
151
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,300
I would've
married the TV
152
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,601
and left you
at Sears.
153
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:18,167
All right.
154
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,634
We're a thousand
miles from home,
155
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:20,834
we're flat broke.
156
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,367
Now give me a minute
to think.
157
00:07:24,534 --> 00:07:27,734
MAN'S VOICE:
Do you, Al Bundy,
take this woman
158
00:07:27,734 --> 00:07:30,133
to be
your lawfully-wedded wife?
159
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:34,534
AL:
Do I look that stupid?
160
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,834
Oh, God.
161
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:51,400
Hi, Kelly.
162
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,334
Hey, any luck
finding Mom?
163
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:56,434
Well, I've got, uh,
feelers out everywhere.
164
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,634
What are you
doing?
165
00:07:58,634 --> 00:07:59,767
Just wondering.
166
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,200
I mean,
why doesn't
everyone
167
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,834
who's looking at
the spinning ball
168
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:04,367
bet on
number 14?
169
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,100
Well, Kelly,
170
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,968
probably because
the odds are 38-1
171
00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:09,267
against number--
Fourteen!
172
00:08:09,267 --> 00:08:10,701
Pay number 14.
173
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:16,367
That could never,
ever happen again.
174
00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:17,934
That was just
dumb luck.
175
00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:19,334
Thirty-two.
176
00:08:19,334 --> 00:08:20,868
Yeah, right, Kel.
177
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,634
See that fat lady
over there?
178
00:08:23,634 --> 00:08:26,000
If number 32
comes up,
179
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,300
I will go over
and kiss her on--
180
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,267
Thirty-two!
181
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,067
Excuse me.
182
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,801
Now, how did
you do that?
183
00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:52,000
Well, I just let
my mind go blank.
184
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,167
What do you mean,
"let" it?
185
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:57,000
How can you
stop it?
186
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,033
I'm sorry.
187
00:08:58,033 --> 00:08:59,067
I'm sorry, Kel.
188
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:00,868
You let your mind
go blank and then what?
189
00:09:00,868 --> 00:09:02,868
Well, then a number
comes into it, like...
190
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:03,868
seven.
191
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,300
Seven!
192
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:09,434
Hey, the real
stupid girl knows
the numbers.
193
00:09:11,868 --> 00:09:12,901
I'm rich.
194
00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:13,968
Kelly,
I love you.
195
00:09:13,968 --> 00:09:15,100
I'm not
kidding.
196
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,133
I'm feeling something
very special here.
197
00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:19,067
Kelly, marry me.
198
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:20,400
Damn the law!
199
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:25,868
Uh, Peggy,
200
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:27,534
he hasn't moved
for an hour.
201
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:32,167
Maybe he thinks
he's having sex.
202
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:40,067
If I was, you'd just
come in and spoil it.
203
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,501
Okay, it's
clear to me,
204
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,801
the only way
to get this money
205
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:46,767
is for me
to win it back.
206
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,267
So gimme everything
you got.
207
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:52,667
Okay, uh...
208
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,234
8 bucks
and, uh...
209
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:56,133
some confetti?
210
00:09:57,033 --> 00:09:58,534
That's your
credit card.
211
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:01,067
The machine seems
to be rejecting it.
212
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:04,601
I'll just keep it
as a symbol of our love.
213
00:10:04,601 --> 00:10:06,501
[BLOWS]
214
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:09,033
All right, 8 bucks
is all I'll need.
215
00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:11,667
For I will build this
into a fortune.
216
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,267
Let's kick some booty.
217
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:15,701
Oh, now I know
everything's
218
00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:17,167
gonna be
all right.
219
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,567
Because the man that sifts
through my garbage for food
220
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:22,434
is gonna break
the bank in Las Vegas.
221
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,868
Are you
gonna play,
222
00:10:31,868 --> 00:10:33,868
or do we just soak in
your exhaust fumes
223
00:10:33,868 --> 00:10:35,534
until we drop?
224
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:38,067
You can't
just play.
225
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,300
I've got
to feel it.
226
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:41,601
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
227
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,100
Nope, I don't
have to go.
228
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:51,567
This is it.
229
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:52,834
This is the one.
230
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,667
This is my
lucky table.
231
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:57,367
This is where
I shall play.
232
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:02,000
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
233
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:21,567
Would you care
to try your luck,
234
00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:23,100
Mister...
235
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,767
Bundy. Al Bundy.
236
00:11:29,434 --> 00:11:31,767
I thought so.
237
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,667
And what is your name, my dear?
238
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:35,968
Yummy All Day.
239
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:38,300
And yummy all night, too,
I'll wager.
240
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,234
[CHUCKLING]
241
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,434
Don't you remember me?
242
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:45,901
The night in Monaco?
243
00:11:45,901 --> 00:11:49,334
Why, Yummy...
I didn't recognize you dry.
244
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,200
Excuse me, sir,
but...
245
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,701
can I get you
a drink?
246
00:11:55,701 --> 00:11:59,300
Beer. Shaken,
not stirred.
247
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,300
Oh.
248
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,434
I know, I know.
249
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:04,133
Hey, babe.
250
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:05,367
Give me a kiss.
251
00:12:05,367 --> 00:12:06,701
You're hurting me.
252
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:08,567
I like to hurt women.
253
00:12:08,567 --> 00:12:09,767
[GASPING]
254
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,200
Apologize to the lady.
255
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,767
I'm sorry.
256
00:12:18,934 --> 00:12:20,200
Oh!
257
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,367
Thank you,
Mr. Bundy.
258
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,534
No problem, miss.
259
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,467
Always ready to help out
a lady in distress.
260
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:29,267
And dis dress,
and dis dress.
261
00:12:31,601 --> 00:12:33,634
Get my beer,
please.
262
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:36,100
Oh, and a TV Guide.
263
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,801
For later.
264
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:40,868
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
265
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:45,234
I like a man...
266
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:47,300
who's on top
of things.
267
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,467
And I like a woman
with things on top.
268
00:12:53,701 --> 00:12:55,968
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
269
00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:02,000
Would you care
to make a bet, sir?
270
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,734
Sir?
271
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:08,434
Sir.
272
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:10,734
Hey, you!
273
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,567
You wanna make
a bet or what?
274
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,501
You bet
I'm gonna bet.
275
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,067
Ungh.
276
00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:20,767
It's a $20 minimum, sir.
277
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,200
Who was
that guy?
278
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,934
Loser. Born loser.
279
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,467
Dad, Mom...
280
00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:37,267
Sweet cheeks.
281
00:13:39,467 --> 00:13:41,334
I looked everywhere
for you, Dad.
282
00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:42,501
I need you
to place a bet.
283
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,300
They won't let me,
because I'm underage.
284
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:45,300
Come on.
We can't lose.
285
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:46,634
Thirty-five.
286
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:48,534
Thirty-five.
Yeah.
287
00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:50,734
Thirty-five.
288
00:13:50,734 --> 00:13:52,167
[CHEERING]
289
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:54,300
See that, Dad?
290
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,868
Now, Kelly can pick
winning numbers
291
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:56,868
on the roulette
wheel.
292
00:13:56,868 --> 00:13:57,901
She got
20 in a row.
293
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:59,467
See, Al?
294
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:02,834
And you didn't
want her.
295
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,834
Quick, honey,
bet whatever
number she says.
296
00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:06,534
Like I don't
know what's
gonna happen.
297
00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:07,567
As soon as
I bet,
298
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:08,868
she'll pick
the wrong number.
299
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:11,200
Oh, just bet,
you idiot.
300
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,434
What's the number,
Kel?
301
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,868
Two.
302
00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:15,167
Bet, Al.
303
00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:19,934
Ah! I can't
do it.
304
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:21,267
You know my life,
my luck.
305
00:14:21,267 --> 00:14:23,400
There's no way
that thing's
gonna stop on--
306
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,400
Two.
307
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,367
[CHEERING]
308
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,868
Hey, Daddy...the guy
in the cowboy hat
309
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,734
wants to take me
to Monte Carlo.
310
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:33,100
If I promise to be in bed
by 10, can I go?
311
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,434
No.
312
00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:35,734
Now, listen
very carefully.
313
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,367
Everything the Bundys
will ever have
314
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:38,367
is riding on you.
315
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:39,467
Now, concentrate.
316
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:43,701
Tell Daddy...
the number.
317
00:14:43,701 --> 00:14:44,968
Thirty-three?
318
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,000
You sure?
319
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,367
She's sure.
Just bet, Dad.
320
00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:49,267
Hurry! Come on!
Hurry!
321
00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:50,667
Eight bucks...
322
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:52,133
on 33.
323
00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:54,300
And...
324
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:56,200
the winner is...
325
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,734
five.
326
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,200
[GROANING]
327
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,467
What happened,
Kel?
328
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,801
Well, Daddy
made me nervous,
329
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:03,934
and I couldn't
get my mind
330
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:04,934
to go blank.
331
00:15:04,934 --> 00:15:06,067
Nice work,
Al.
332
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:07,067
You
stink!
333
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,300
Yeah,
you reek.
334
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,501
Seven.
335
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:12,667
Seven!
336
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:16,567
KELLY:
Twenty-three.
337
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,200
DEALER:
Twenty-three!
338
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:25,634
Well, Al, now what
are we gonna do?
339
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,100
Well, let's go
for it all.
340
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,801
Let's have a couple
more kids by mistake
341
00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:30,067
and move in
with your mother.
342
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,934
PEG:
Hey, Al.
343
00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:39,400
There's a way
to win $10,000.
344
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,033
What do I do, Peg?
345
00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:43,100
Sell everything I own
20,000 times?
346
00:15:43,801 --> 00:15:44,801
No.
347
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:46,801
All you have to do
348
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:48,667
is wrestle
with a G.L.O.W. Girl
349
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:49,868
for three minutes.
350
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:51,167
What's
a G.L.O.W. Girl?
351
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,634
So, what time's
your match?
352
00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:53,868
I don't know.
353
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:56,234
I just hope I don't get
another car salesman.
354
00:15:56,234 --> 00:15:57,534
They bite.
355
00:15:57,534 --> 00:15:58,734
Count your
blessings.
356
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,367
Lawyers leave
greasy spots.
357
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:07,200
You mean,
all I have to do
358
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,367
is roll around
on the floor
359
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,968
for three minutes
with one of those?
360
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:13,300
Well, don't get
too cocky, Al.
361
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:14,767
You haven't lasted
three minutes
362
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,434
with me in years.
363
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:19,067
Hey, you never
put up 10 grand!
364
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:24,100
Where do I sign?
365
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:28,734
And now, entering the ring
is our challenger,
366
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:32,334
Al "The Starvin'
Shoe Salesman" Bundy.
367
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:34,167
[CHEERING]
368
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,133
And now, let's meet
your opponent.
369
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:45,200
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS
OVER SPEAKERS]
370
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:55,033
Oh, gee.
371
00:16:55,033 --> 00:16:58,100
I'm really in for it now,
huh?
372
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:04,267
Yup, because your opponent
is our own...Big Bad Mama!
373
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:05,767
[CHEERING]
374
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:08,934
Let me at him.
375
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,300
It's $10,000,
Al.
376
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,834
That's a dollar
a pound, Peg!
377
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,133
Get in there,
you big baby.
378
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:26,968
Do it for me.
379
00:17:26,968 --> 00:17:28,467
No!
380
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:29,701
Do it for
the kids.
381
00:17:29,701 --> 00:17:30,734
No!
382
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,901
Al...do it
for the TV.
383
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,467
Come on,
Bundy.
384
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,100
Now, let's go over
the rules.
385
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,601
No eye-gouging.
386
00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:43,968
No foreign objects.
387
00:17:43,968 --> 00:17:46,000
And Big Bad Mama,
388
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,901
no biting
below the waist.
389
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:50,901
I'll try.
390
00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:52,734
That's all
we can ask.
391
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:53,801
Let's get
it on.
392
00:17:56,501 --> 00:17:57,734
[BELL RINGING]
393
00:17:57,734 --> 00:17:58,834
Wrestle.
394
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,200
Aah!
395
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,200
Help!
396
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,901
Help me! Help me!
Help me!
397
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:07,367
ANNOUNCER:
And Big Bad Mama's got him
in a headlock.
398
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:08,801
God. He fought
harder than that
399
00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:11,100
on our honeymoon.
400
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:14,000
Oh, my! She's rubbing
his eyes against the ropes.
401
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,434
Come on, Al.
402
00:18:15,434 --> 00:18:17,133
You can do it,
honey.
403
00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:20,667
Only 2 minutes
and 48 seconds to go.
404
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,434
[AL SCREAMS]
405
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,300
God,
what a baby.
406
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:28,868
No!
407
00:18:30,701 --> 00:18:33,133
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
408
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,133
Hey,
no fair.
409
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:35,868
She's biting
below the waist.
410
00:18:35,868 --> 00:18:38,067
[HIGH-PITCHED
SCREAM]
411
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:41,634
Why isn't he
fighting back?
412
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:42,901
Oh, it's not
his fault.
413
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:45,234
He's just so
used to losing.
414
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:46,734
Come on, Al!
415
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,434
You got her right
where you want her.
416
00:18:48,434 --> 00:18:51,100
Mommy. Mommy, help me!
417
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,534
Mommy, help me!
418
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,634
Hey, Mom, do you think
she's really
hurting him?
419
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,801
Oh, no.
420
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,767
Everyone knows
this stuff isn't
for real.
421
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:03,200
Peg. Peg!
Peg!
422
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,334
Peg! Peg!
Peg!
423
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:08,868
[LOUD THUD]
424
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:10,367
Wow.
425
00:19:13,634 --> 00:19:15,200
Okay, babe.
426
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,367
I see what you got.
427
00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:22,601
Let's rock.
428
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,133
Oof!
429
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,000
Aah!
430
00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:34,968
Al...
431
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:37,100
I am really
disappointed with you.
432
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,033
You know, your children
are watching.
433
00:19:39,033 --> 00:19:40,467
I know, Peg.
434
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:42,834
That's why I'm holding
the blood in.
435
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,100
[SCREAMING]
436
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,767
Mom,
I'm afraid.
437
00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,267
I mean, how's he gonna
sell shoes
438
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:53,167
with his head
flopping around
like that?
439
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:57,534
CROWD:
Seven...eight...nine...10...
440
00:19:57,534 --> 00:20:02,367
CROWD:
96...97...98...99...
441
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,267
100!
442
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:13,400
Uh, Peggy, I think
she may be killing Al.
443
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,400
Nah, he knows
what he's doing.
444
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,601
He's wearing her out
with the brain-a-dope.
445
00:20:18,901 --> 00:20:20,634
Twenty seconds
to go.
446
00:20:20,634 --> 00:20:21,801
Hang in there,
Bundy!
447
00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:23,033
I did it.
448
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:24,534
Ilived.
449
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:25,534
ANNOUNCER:
Uh-oh.
450
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:27,033
What? What?!
451
00:20:27,033 --> 00:20:29,167
Big Bad Mama's
climbing the ropes.
452
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,200
And I think
453
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,234
you all know
what that means.
454
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:34,100
What? What?!
455
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,167
Get outta
the ring, Al!
456
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:37,868
Run! Run!
457
00:20:37,868 --> 00:20:40,167
I can't move my legs.
458
00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:42,167
Someone shoot me!
459
00:20:44,367 --> 00:20:47,367
She's setting him up
for the Big Tsunami.
460
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:48,767
But she'd better hurry.
461
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:51,434
Three seconds...
two...one...
462
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:52,467
[BELL RINGS]
463
00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:54,334
And it's over.
464
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:57,067
He's done it.
He's lasted three minutes.
465
00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:58,834
But I don't think
that matters
466
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:00,400
to Big BadMama.
467
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:04,067
Once she's moving,
there's no stopping her.
468
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:10,367
Good night.
469
00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:13,801
Yah!
470
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:14,801
[LOUD THUD]
471
00:21:14,801 --> 00:21:18,033
[WIND HOWLING]
472
00:21:20,968 --> 00:21:22,467
Come on,
Al.
473
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,100
It's time
to go home.
474
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,267
Must you always
lag behind?
475
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:30,367
Daddy.
476
00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:31,367
Daddy.
477
00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:33,200
Would you like
to try
478
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,067
to drink some more
of these peas?
479
00:21:43,067 --> 00:21:44,567
You were right,
Peggy.
480
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,767
I really did
need a vacation.
481
00:21:46,767 --> 00:21:48,434
I feel renewed.
482
00:21:48,434 --> 00:21:49,467
And you know what?
483
00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:50,567
I don't need
a man.
484
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:51,968
They're just
excess baggage.
485
00:21:51,968 --> 00:21:54,267
[CHUCKLES]
Tell me about it.
486
00:21:54,267 --> 00:21:55,567
You know, Marcie,
487
00:21:55,567 --> 00:21:57,868
it's a shame
to leave Vegas
488
00:21:57,868 --> 00:21:59,667
with this
much cash.
489
00:21:59,667 --> 00:22:01,367
Let's gamble
some more.
490
00:22:01,367 --> 00:22:03,133
Maybe take in
a show.
491
00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:04,801
After all, it is
found money.
492
00:22:05,801 --> 00:22:07,667
What about
Dad?
493
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:09,767
Oh, just leave him
494
00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:12,234
to watch
the twinkling lights.
495
00:22:12,234 --> 00:22:14,667
He's so easily amused.
496
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,100
Ooh.
497
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:42,133
[***]1
00:00:03,968 --> 00:00:06,100
[***]
2
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,234
Hi, Peg.
3
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:24,701
Gee, you must have
misunderstood me this morning.
4
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:27,334
I said you should buy
a vegetable.
5
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:31,467
Gee, and guess I must have
misunderstood you last night
6
00:01:31,502 --> 00:01:33,368
when you said: "Brace yourself.
7
00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:35,234
This time
it's gonna be good. "
8
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,283
Any mail?
9
00:01:38,318 --> 00:01:39,532
Oh, yeah.
10
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,098
Something did come today.
11
00:01:41,133 --> 00:01:43,165
Let's see,
what did it say, uh...
12
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,501
"Open immediately. Urgent.
Do not delay. "
13
00:01:46,536 --> 00:01:48,585
Something like that.
14
00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:50,634
Gee, where could it be?
15
00:01:50,669 --> 00:01:52,399
Oh.
16
00:01:52,434 --> 00:01:53,434
Here it is.
17
00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:56,567
Oh, good.
18
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:01,300
Those ashes from Sharper Image
I ordered came.
19
00:02:02,801 --> 00:02:04,532
Hey, this is from
Polk High School.
20
00:02:04,567 --> 00:02:07,334
What could they be writing to me
about after all these years?
21
00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:09,501
Well, maybe they've retired
your stall
22
00:02:09,536 --> 00:02:11,467
in the boy's bathroom.
23
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,017
Hot diggety, dog diggety,
24
00:02:17,052 --> 00:02:18,734
Boom! What you do to me.
25
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:23,965
Hey, look!
26
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,234
They want me to introduce
the football team's M.V.P.
27
00:02:27,269 --> 00:02:29,933
at the homecoming dance,
Friday night.
28
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:32,901
"We're seeking one of the great
football heroes
29
00:02:32,936 --> 00:02:34,851
"of the Chicago-land area.
30
00:02:34,886 --> 00:02:36,767
"That's why we've asked you,
31
00:02:36,802 --> 00:02:38,467
Mr. Gale Sayers... "
32
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,332
No, that's crossed out.
33
00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,265
"Mr. Jim McMahon. "
Crossed out.
34
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:46,033
"Mr. Walter Payton,
Mr. Mike Singletary,
35
00:02:46,068 --> 00:02:47,868
Mr. Abe Vigoda"?
36
00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:50,967
All crossed out.
37
00:02:51,002 --> 00:02:53,084
Ah, here we go.
38
00:02:53,119 --> 00:02:55,167
"Mr. Alf... Bundy. "
39
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:58,634
They still remember.
40
00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:01,466
Oh, Alf.
41
00:03:01,501 --> 00:03:03,867
Yup. And I'll bet they'll wanna
hear a little speech.
42
00:03:03,902 --> 00:03:06,234
You know, I've got much to say
to America's youth.
43
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,234
If I just help
one kid not marry,
44
00:03:08,269 --> 00:03:10,100
my job is done.
45
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:16,950
Woof, woof, woof!
46
00:03:16,985 --> 00:03:18,826
[BOYS HOWLING]
47
00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:20,632
Did you hear that?
48
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,968
You'd think a science teacher
would have more dignity.
49
00:03:25,734 --> 00:03:27,399
So, gnome.
50
00:03:27,434 --> 00:03:29,400
Everyone's gonna be
at the homecoming dance.
51
00:03:29,435 --> 00:03:30,399
Where you gonna be?
52
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:32,600
Hey, I'll be there...
with a date.
53
00:03:32,635 --> 00:03:34,767
Oh, who's gonna be
the girl this year,
54
00:03:34,802 --> 00:03:36,667
you or Joey?
55
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:42,032
Ho-ho,
one over easy.
56
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:45,367
I got me a hot date.
Heather McCoy.
57
00:03:45,402 --> 00:03:46,566
Heather McCoy?
58
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,968
The one you were in love with
in sixth grade?
59
00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:50,499
The one who took you
skinny dipping,
60
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:53,834
stole your clothes, then ran
your underwear up a flagpole?
61
00:03:53,869 --> 00:03:55,332
Yup.
62
00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:57,801
Bud, why don't you just go out
with somebody who likes you?
63
00:03:57,836 --> 00:03:59,232
Oh, I'm sorry.
64
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,300
Buck has outgrown
his party dress.
65
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:06,334
Good one,
human trampoline.
66
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:11,650
As it happens, Heather's
quite taken with me.
67
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,492
Why would someone as popular
as Heather McCoy
68
00:04:14,527 --> 00:04:17,300
wanna go out with someone
as popular as eye-snot?
69
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:19,965
[GIGGLING]
70
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,801
Hush, hush,
sweet harlot.
71
00:04:21,836 --> 00:04:23,332
Here she comes.
72
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,934
Hi, Bud. Are we still on
for the dance, Friday?
73
00:04:25,969 --> 00:04:27,933
I shall drink in
your beauty,
74
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,634
as the bee does the nectar
of the flower.
75
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,968
Isn't he a dream?
76
00:04:40,868 --> 00:04:42,801
How did you do that?
77
00:04:42,836 --> 00:04:44,732
Research.
78
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:47,801
I've been studying her
since the sixth grade...
79
00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:49,599
plotting, planning,
80
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:52,367
cataloging her likes
and dislikes.
81
00:04:52,402 --> 00:04:55,434
And now, the time
is right to strike,
82
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:58,467
for I'm at the zenith
of my studliness.
83
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,634
Five long years and now,
finally, she's mine.
84
00:05:04,669 --> 00:05:06,234
You still love her, huh?
85
00:05:06,269 --> 00:05:07,432
Nope.
86
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:10,033
I'm after revenge, baby.
87
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:14,499
Sweet, pure,
uncut revenge.
88
00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:17,332
Why bother? I mean,
that was five years ago.
89
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:19,567
Nobody remembers your underwear
up on a flagpole.
90
00:05:19,602 --> 00:05:22,068
I pledge allegiance
91
00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:24,499
to the underwear of
92
00:05:24,534 --> 00:05:28,167
the united shorts
of Bud Bundy.
93
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:37,734
Yeah, no one but the 75 kids
who do that to me every day.
94
00:05:37,769 --> 00:05:40,100
That's why I'm gonna
get Heather McCoy.
95
00:05:40,135 --> 00:05:41,934
Phase one
is now completed.
96
00:05:41,969 --> 00:05:43,199
What's phase two,
97
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:46,767
you touch her on the knee
and then start to cry?
98
00:05:46,802 --> 00:05:48,265
Not quite,
99
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,901
O- she-whose-head-
can-never-be-seen-in-a-car.
100
00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,432
Phase two comes Friday.
101
00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:03,167
We dance,
she's looking up at me
102
00:06:03,202 --> 00:06:06,151
engulfed in the cool
that is I.
103
00:06:06,186 --> 00:06:09,065
And then, at 10 o'clock sharp,
104
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,417
I dance her over
to the big floor vent,
105
00:06:11,452 --> 00:06:13,734
which, by Friday,
will be set on a timer.
106
00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:15,332
And at precisely 10:00,
107
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,767
an industrial fan
whooshes through the vent
108
00:06:17,802 --> 00:06:19,734
like dad on a bologna bender,
109
00:06:19,769 --> 00:06:22,866
and blows her dress up.
110
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:25,467
And the world
will see her underwear!
111
00:06:25,502 --> 00:06:27,267
Revenge! Revenge!
112
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,799
MAN [ON TV]:
Tonight at 8:00,
113
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:33,067
what's black and white
and funny all over?
114
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,000
Gary Coleman
and Ned Beatty are:
115
00:06:35,035 --> 00:06:36,532
Ethan and the Jackal.
116
00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:39,700
Two wrongly-fired
Harvard professors
117
00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:42,834
who love the classics
and hate crime.
118
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,367
Come, watch us now.
119
00:06:45,402 --> 00:06:46,367
Whoa.
120
00:06:50,968 --> 00:06:52,566
Hi, Peggy.
121
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:54,833
Gee, you know,
I was thinking.
122
00:06:54,868 --> 00:06:57,751
Maybe I ought to take a picture
of your behind.
123
00:06:57,786 --> 00:07:00,634
Then, that way,
if the couch was ever stolen,
124
00:07:00,669 --> 00:07:02,601
the police could match
the prints
125
00:07:02,636 --> 00:07:04,534
with at least
one of the cushions.
126
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:09,599
Oh, come on, Al.
127
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:12,666
You know you love
your honey buns.
128
00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:15,267
Remember, you used
to rub them every night
129
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,532
before you went to sleep.
130
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:20,000
Yeah, but it's just that
I hate to go to sleep
131
00:07:20,035 --> 00:07:21,467
with the smell of feet
on my hands.
132
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:26,133
All right, now be quiet,
let me work on my speech.
133
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:28,417
Look, Al, all they want
you to do
134
00:07:28,452 --> 00:07:30,632
is to announce
this year's M.V.P.
135
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,200
and then slink off into
the shadows of obscurity
136
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:35,365
where you belong.
137
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,817
It's just killing ya that
someone remembers me. Isn't it?
138
00:07:38,852 --> 00:07:42,234
That someone thinks of me as
more than just a shoe salesman,
139
00:07:42,269 --> 00:07:43,899
or the family wallet,
140
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:46,901
or the running joke
at the beauty parlor.
141
00:07:46,936 --> 00:07:48,599
These people want me
142
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,332
'cause I'm a genuine
football hero.
143
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,901
They'll probably wanna see
some mementos, too.
144
00:07:53,936 --> 00:07:55,566
Where's my old
football helmet?
145
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,000
Well, judging from the shape
of your head,
146
00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:00,400
I'd say your scalp
grew over it.
147
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,000
You know,
when you talk like this,
148
00:08:04,035 --> 00:08:06,301
I just wanna
get down on my knees
149
00:08:06,336 --> 00:08:08,567
and bite your ankles
like a pit bull.
150
00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:13,334
All right, Peg,
let the couch have a little air
151
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:15,499
and go get that helmet.
152
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:18,200
And other symbols
of my heroism.
153
00:08:18,235 --> 00:08:20,466
Oh, all right.
154
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,033
Nobody cares, though.
155
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,734
Go, go.
156
00:08:27,534 --> 00:08:29,132
I am Al Bundy.
157
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,534
Pause for applause.
158
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:36,534
The ovation dies down.
159
00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:38,833
They sit.
160
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:41,251
Dad, I need
to talk to you for a second.
161
00:08:41,286 --> 00:08:43,634
Bud, I'm working
on a speech right now.
162
00:08:43,669 --> 00:08:45,866
Dad, when you
were in school,
163
00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,599
did a girl ever
do something to you,
164
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:50,100
something so rotten, it
actually ruined your whole life?
165
00:08:50,135 --> 00:08:52,434
Yes, and you call
that girl "Mom," now.
166
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:01,467
Well, what if she didn't
actually marry me
167
00:09:01,502 --> 00:09:03,218
but still did something
real bad?
168
00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:04,826
If you were gonna
get revenge
169
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:06,400
that wouldn't be wrong,
would it?
170
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:11,450
Son, let me tell you
something about revenge.
171
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:14,334
This is something
you're going to have to learn
172
00:09:14,369 --> 00:09:17,968
before you can truly
call yourself a man.
173
00:09:18,003 --> 00:09:20,000
Revenge...
174
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:21,701
is great.
175
00:09:23,601 --> 00:09:25,017
It's phenomenal.
176
00:09:25,052 --> 00:09:26,399
It's the only thing
177
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:29,233
that separates us
from the animals.
178
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:31,700
It's why I stay
with your mother.
179
00:09:31,735 --> 00:09:34,098
Now, son,
if you have a chance
180
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:36,334
to get back at a girl
who's wronged you,
181
00:09:36,369 --> 00:09:37,799
do it.
182
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:40,601
Do it now, do it good,
do it twice.
183
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:45,801
There'll be many women
in your life, son,
184
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,866
but the one
you got revenge on
185
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,901
will always be the sweetest
of them all.
186
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,968
Thanks, Dad.
187
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,232
Hey.
188
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:07,334
Humiliate her for me, son.
189
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,667
You got it, Dad.
190
00:10:15,234 --> 00:10:17,367
Husband, father, speaker.
191
00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:20,167
How do I do it all?
192
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:27,534
Hey, did you find any
of my football mementos
193
00:10:27,569 --> 00:10:29,451
to show the fans?
194
00:10:29,486 --> 00:10:31,334
Oh, I certainly did.
195
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,734
Your athletic supporter.
196
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:40,133
Gee. "X.S."
197
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:49,032
Must stand for
"extra snug," huh?
198
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:50,667
Now, honey,
would you like me to write
199
00:10:50,702 --> 00:10:52,601
"front" and "back"
on these,
200
00:10:52,636 --> 00:10:54,466
like I do
on your underwear?
201
00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:58,632
Or do you think this
"R.I.P." says it all?
202
00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:01,968
Well, as long as we're writing
on each other's underwear,
203
00:11:02,003 --> 00:11:05,051
why don't you pass me
a pair of yours
204
00:11:05,086 --> 00:11:08,100
so I can draw
the skull and crossbones.
205
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,432
[DOORBELL RINGS]
206
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:10,834
Get that, will ya,
sweetheart?
207
00:11:10,869 --> 00:11:12,267
Uh-huh.
208
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,566
Hi.
209
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,632
Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
210
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,868
I just wanted you to know
I'm holding up well
211
00:11:20,903 --> 00:11:23,067
after being deserted
by my husband.
212
00:11:23,102 --> 00:11:24,734
What was his name?
Oh, yes.
213
00:11:24,769 --> 00:11:26,199
Doody-face.
214
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,732
Anyway, I know
you're concerned
215
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:31,000
despite the fact
that you haven't called,
216
00:11:31,035 --> 00:11:31,965
or stopped by,
217
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,265
or even veered
to the left
218
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,567
when I was lying
in your driveway.
219
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:39,499
Well, Marcie, it's not
that we don't care.
220
00:11:39,534 --> 00:11:43,100
It's just that the McNuggets
were getting cold.
221
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,699
Oh. Well.
222
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,732
No one could expect you
to care about a friend
223
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:51,667
when you've got a greasy bag
of fried vittles a-coolin'.
224
00:11:51,702 --> 00:11:56,667
But, to answer the question:
"How's she doin' now?"
225
00:11:56,702 --> 00:12:00,834
The answer is:
"She's doin' fine. "
226
00:12:00,869 --> 00:12:02,632
The crisis is over.
227
00:12:02,667 --> 00:12:05,032
No more sitting at home for me.
Uh-uh.
228
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:08,334
I'm gonna go out there
and grab me a pocketful of life.
229
00:12:08,369 --> 00:12:10,234
I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna do,
230
00:12:10,269 --> 00:12:12,065
I'm gonna experience everything
231
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,834
this bowl of cherries
we call "life" has to offer.
232
00:12:14,869 --> 00:12:15,899
So watch out, world!
233
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:17,734
Here comes Marcie Rhoades!
234
00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:27,532
So whatcha doin'?
235
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:29,132
I'm trying
to write a speech
236
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,167
for the homecoming dance
tomorrow night.
237
00:12:31,202 --> 00:12:33,065
Oh! Can I go?
238
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,466
I'm so alone.
Please?
239
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:37,367
Just some sort
of human contact.
240
00:12:37,402 --> 00:12:38,998
A voice
other than my own.
241
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,901
Oh, please, God,
throw a dog a bone.
242
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:46,000
Oh, Al, my heart
goes out to her.
243
00:12:46,035 --> 00:12:47,866
We should let
Marcie come.
244
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,801
She can buy gas
and dinner afterwards.
245
00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:54,199
Oh, all right.
246
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:55,601
Look, as long
as I've got ya here,
247
00:12:55,636 --> 00:12:56,933
let me try something out on ya.
248
00:12:56,968 --> 00:13:00,165
Now, in my speech,
I'm using a visual aid
249
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,734
to point out to the students
the pitfalls in life.
250
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,299
This...
251
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:09,601
is your brain.
252
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,968
This is your brain...
253
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,901
on marriage.
254
00:13:17,936 --> 00:13:19,067
[SPLAT]
255
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,534
Any questions?
256
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,767
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
257
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:37,167
But to answer
the question:
258
00:13:37,202 --> 00:13:38,866
"How's she doing now?"
259
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:43,534
The answer is:
"She's doing fine. "
260
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,050
Students.
261
00:13:48,085 --> 00:13:49,532
Students...
262
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:52,132
and fellow homecoming-ers.
263
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:55,450
I'd like to introduce
our guest speaker.
264
00:13:55,485 --> 00:13:58,734
I was hoping to introduce
someone famous
265
00:13:58,769 --> 00:14:01,532
or even interesting.
266
00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:05,065
Instead, I give you Al Bundy,
267
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:10,501
Polk High's Most Valuable Player
of 1966.
268
00:14:10,536 --> 00:14:11,834
Mr. Bundy?
269
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,534
Thank you.
270
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,766
This...
271
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:32,000
is your brain.
272
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,965
Here we are,
my dear.
273
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,467
May I say,
that's a lovely dress.
274
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:40,499
So light and airy.
275
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:42,801
Well, you should get
a picture of me in it.
276
00:14:42,836 --> 00:14:43,766
Oh, I will.
277
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,968
I already
bought the frame.
278
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,467
Kelly, thanks for coming
to the dance with me.
279
00:14:55,502 --> 00:14:56,933
Why wouldn't I?
280
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:59,167
You're the only one
for me, Jeff.
281
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,200
Uh, Rick.
282
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:03,265
Right.
283
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:05,100
Could you go get me
some punch?
284
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:16,767
Kelly, thanks for
meeting me tonight.
285
00:15:16,802 --> 00:15:18,299
Why wouldn't I?
286
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,400
You're the only one
for me, Rick.
287
00:15:20,435 --> 00:15:22,051
Jeff.
288
00:15:22,086 --> 00:15:23,632
Right.
289
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,968
Could you go get me
some punch?
290
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:31,400
Sure, before you marry 'em,
all women like football.
291
00:15:31,435 --> 00:15:34,699
But as soon as you say, "I do,"
they put on 40 pounds,
292
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,701
and the only hike you'll see,
is them hikin' up their pants
293
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:40,085
before they weld their butts
to the sofa
294
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,434
for the rest
of their worthless lives.
295
00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,400
I work for a living.
296
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,467
Could I trouble you
for a light?
297
00:16:03,901 --> 00:16:06,667
Could I trouble you
for a light?
298
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:12,666
Thank you.
299
00:16:12,701 --> 00:16:16,133
Boom, ba-ba-boom,
ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom.
300
00:16:16,168 --> 00:16:17,684
Hi there.
301
00:16:17,719 --> 00:16:19,165
I'm Blum.
302
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,632
Electrical shop?
303
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:24,534
What would you say to you
and me behind the bleachers?
304
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,133
It would never
work out.
305
00:16:28,168 --> 00:16:30,167
There's a light
back there.
306
00:16:30,202 --> 00:16:31,933
I could see you.
307
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:33,601
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
308
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,232
You know,
I'm really sorry
309
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:40,733
about what I did to you
in the sixth grade.
310
00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:43,200
Did you do something
to me in the sixth grade?
311
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:44,165
Yeah, you know,
312
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,133
your underwear
up the flagpole?
313
00:16:46,168 --> 00:16:47,632
Was that you?
314
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:50,466
I'd totally forgotten.
315
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:52,567
Anyway, I was cruel
to you.
316
00:16:52,602 --> 00:16:54,033
And I'm really sorry.
317
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:02,934
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Excuse me.
318
00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:08,567
You're the only one
for me...
319
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:13,434
Bud, what are you doing? Can't
you see that I was working?
320
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:19,165
Kel, I'm thinking about
calling it off.
321
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,801
I mean, she's sorry,
and she really likes me now.
322
00:17:21,836 --> 00:17:22,899
She told me so.
323
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:26,165
Bud, don't be a sucker
your whole life.
324
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,167
Let me tell you something
about men and women:
325
00:17:28,202 --> 00:17:31,067
We're liars,
and you're all idiots.
326
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:33,601
Watch.
327
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:36,400
I really like you.
328
00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:37,767
Really?
329
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:40,550
Hey, everybody!
330
00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:41,734
Kelly likes me!
331
00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:44,800
Could I have
your watch?
332
00:17:44,835 --> 00:17:47,100
Oh. Well,
it's my Dad's.
333
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,165
But sure.
334
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,968
Wait till the guys hear.
335
00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:54,901
Hey, she likes me!
336
00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:01,667
The prostitution rests.
337
00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:09,833
So, what you're saying
338
00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:13,267
in your own little
talking-chimp kind of way,
339
00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:15,434
is that she really
doesn't like me?
340
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:17,067
How could she?
341
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:19,532
You're right.
342
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:21,499
Tonight, at 10:00,
343
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,400
the curtain goes up
on Heather McCoy.
344
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:26,833
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
345
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,918
And you wanna talk
flying wedge?
346
00:18:28,953 --> 00:18:30,933
Let's talk about
my mother-in-law.
347
00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:33,834
People overuse the phrase,
"As big as the earth,"
348
00:18:33,869 --> 00:18:36,701
but kids, try to picture
everyone you've ever known
349
00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:38,400
under one muumuu.
350
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:41,965
I love being single.
351
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,534
I'm at peace
with myself, really.
352
00:18:44,569 --> 00:18:46,167
Oh, God.
353
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:53,200
I'll bet you don't know
what I got in my pocket.
354
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,834
The rest of your belly?
355
00:18:58,534 --> 00:18:59,499
Nope.
356
00:18:59,534 --> 00:19:02,299
The key
to the teachers' lounge.
357
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:06,367
So what say to you, me
and a whole lotta carpet?
358
00:19:06,402 --> 00:19:10,400
While I can't say that
football is a metaphor
359
00:19:10,435 --> 00:19:12,351
for every aspect of life,
360
00:19:12,386 --> 00:19:14,267
there are
similarities.
361
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,367
Oh!
362
00:19:21,634 --> 00:19:23,534
My wedding night, for example...
363
00:19:24,601 --> 00:19:26,868
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
364
00:19:26,903 --> 00:19:28,899
Shoes...
365
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:31,234
No kind of life
for a man.
366
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,801
You know, I'm really glad
I came here with you tonight.
367
00:19:38,836 --> 00:19:41,167
You're so decent.
A gentleman.
368
00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:43,601
Wearing deodorant, too.
369
00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:45,432
Wanna smell?
370
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:47,734
That's all right.
371
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:49,165
Listen...
372
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,734
let's go someplace, okay?
373
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:53,133
Hm... in a minute.
374
00:19:56,534 --> 00:19:57,632
I know.
375
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,634
I owe you a skinny dip.
376
00:19:59,669 --> 00:20:01,100
What do you say?
377
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:07,968
Uh, uh, "nyee-nyee. "
378
00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,334
Let's go.
379
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,901
What do I have to do
to get someone to notice me?
380
00:20:21,936 --> 00:20:23,534
[AIR WHISTLING]
381
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:30,567
[LAUGHING]
382
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:35,499
Now...
383
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,234
the moment you've all
been waiting for.
384
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:39,165
[MUSIC FADES]
385
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,167
The recount of my last game
at Polk High.
386
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:47,100
It was a frosty evening
in November.
387
00:20:47,135 --> 00:20:48,267
No, no, no, no.
388
00:20:48,302 --> 00:20:49,732
Enough.
389
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:52,667
Hi, my name is Peggy...
390
00:20:52,702 --> 00:20:54,267
uh, Smith.
391
00:20:55,634 --> 00:21:00,098
And I, like you,
can't take this anymore.
392
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:04,133
So now, I would like
to introduce this year's M.V.P.
393
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,467
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
394
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:13,399
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
395
00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:16,300
CROWD:
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
396
00:21:16,335 --> 00:21:19,767
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
397
00:21:19,802 --> 00:21:21,434
Bundy! Bundy!
398
00:21:25,133 --> 00:21:26,616
Bud, you can come out now.
399
00:21:26,651 --> 00:21:28,100
I have a present for you.
400
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,833
Thanks, Kel.
401
00:21:33,868 --> 00:21:36,217
I can't believe
she did this to me again.
402
00:21:36,252 --> 00:21:38,567
How am I gonna
show my face in school?
403
00:21:38,602 --> 00:21:40,098
Like you always do.
404
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,601
From behind a wall
of Clearasil.
405
00:21:42,636 --> 00:21:44,466
Aw, gee,
thanks, sis.
406
00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:46,750
I'm so glad to know
that when I'm feeling low,
407
00:21:46,785 --> 00:21:49,000
you're always there
to make me feel like ooze.
408
00:21:49,035 --> 00:21:51,217
Oh, chill out,
ya little toadstool.
409
00:21:51,252 --> 00:21:53,365
Believe me,
tomorrow at school,
410
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,467
nobody's gonna be talking
about you.
411
00:21:55,502 --> 00:21:56,666
What do you mean?
412
00:21:56,701 --> 00:21:59,599
Just come to school early
and bring a camera.
413
00:21:59,634 --> 00:22:02,400
Trust me, Heather and I had
a little chat out in the hall
414
00:22:02,435 --> 00:22:04,434
and we worked things out
like ladies.
415
00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:20,634
Buck, come here, boy.
416
00:22:20,669 --> 00:22:22,135
Come here, boy.
417
00:22:22,170 --> 00:22:23,601
[BELL RINGS]
418
00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:40,834
[***]1
00:00:03,968 --> 00:00:06,100
[***]
2
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,234
Hi, Peg.
3
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:24,701
Gee, you must have
misunderstood me this morning.
4
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:27,334
I said you should buy
a vegetable.
5
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:31,467
Gee, and guess I must have
misunderstood you last night
6
00:01:31,502 --> 00:01:33,368
when you said: "Brace yourself.
7
00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:35,234
This time
it's gonna be good. "
8
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,283
Any mail?
9
00:01:38,318 --> 00:01:39,532
Oh, yeah.
10
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,098
Something did come today.
11
00:01:41,133 --> 00:01:43,165
Let's see,
what did it say, uh...
12
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,501
"Open immediately. Urgent.
Do not delay. "
13
00:01:46,536 --> 00:01:48,585
Something like that.
14
00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:50,634
Gee, where could it be?
15
00:01:50,669 --> 00:01:52,399
Oh.
16
00:01:52,434 --> 00:01:53,434
Here it is.
17
00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:56,567
Oh, good.
18
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:01,300
Those ashes from Sharper Image
I ordered came.
19
00:02:02,801 --> 00:02:04,532
Hey, this is from
Polk High School.
20
00:02:04,567 --> 00:02:07,334
What could they be writing to me
about after all these years?
21
00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:09,501
Well, maybe they've retired
your stall
22
00:02:09,536 --> 00:02:11,467
in the boy's bathroom.
23
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,017
Hot diggety, dog diggety,
24
00:02:17,052 --> 00:02:18,734
Boom! What you do to me.
25
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:23,965
Hey, look!
26
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,234
They want me to introduce
the football team's M.V.P.
27
00:02:27,269 --> 00:02:29,933
at the homecoming dance,
Friday night.
28
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:32,901
"We're seeking one of the great
football heroes
29
00:02:32,936 --> 00:02:34,851
"of the Chicago-land area.
30
00:02:34,886 --> 00:02:36,767
"That's why we've asked you,
31
00:02:36,802 --> 00:02:38,467
Mr. Gale Sayers... "
32
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,332
No, that's crossed out.
33
00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,265
"Mr. Jim McMahon. "
Crossed out.
34
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:46,033
"Mr. Walter Payton,
Mr. Mike Singletary,
35
00:02:46,068 --> 00:02:47,868
Mr. Abe Vigoda"?
36
00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:50,967
All crossed out.
37
00:02:51,002 --> 00:02:53,084
Ah, here we go.
38
00:02:53,119 --> 00:02:55,167
"Mr. Alf... Bundy. "
39
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:58,634
They still remember.
40
00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:01,466
Oh, Alf.
41
00:03:01,501 --> 00:03:03,867
Yup. And I'll bet they'll wanna
hear a little speech.
42
00:03:03,902 --> 00:03:06,234
You know, I've got much to say
to America's youth.
43
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,234
If I just help
one kid not marry,
44
00:03:08,269 --> 00:03:10,100
my job is done.
45
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:16,950
Woof, woof, woof!
46
00:03:16,985 --> 00:03:18,826
[BOYS HOWLING]
47
00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:20,632
Did you hear that?
48
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,968
You'd think a science teacher
would have more dignity.
49
00:03:25,734 --> 00:03:27,399
So, gnome.
50
00:03:27,434 --> 00:03:29,400
Everyone's gonna be
at the homecoming dance.
51
00:03:29,435 --> 00:03:30,399
Where you gonna be?
52
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:32,600
Hey, I'll be there...
with a date.
53
00:03:32,635 --> 00:03:34,767
Oh, who's gonna be
the girl this year,
54
00:03:34,802 --> 00:03:36,667
you or Joey?
55
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:42,032
Ho-ho,
one over easy.
56
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:45,367
I got me a hot date.
Heather McCoy.
57
00:03:45,402 --> 00:03:46,566
Heather McCoy?
58
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,968
The one you were in love with
in sixth grade?
59
00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:50,499
The one who took you
skinny dipping,
60
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:53,834
stole your clothes, then ran
your underwear up a flagpole?
61
00:03:53,869 --> 00:03:55,332
Yup.
62
00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:57,801
Bud, why don't you just go out
with somebody who likes you?
63
00:03:57,836 --> 00:03:59,232
Oh, I'm sorry.
64
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,300
Buck has outgrown
his party dress.
65
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:06,334
Good one,
human trampoline.
66
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:11,650
As it happens, Heather's
quite taken with me.
67
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,492
Why would someone as popular
as Heather McCoy
68
00:04:14,527 --> 00:04:17,300
wanna go out with someone
as popular as eye-snot?
69
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:19,965
[GIGGLING]
70
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,801
Hush, hush,
sweet harlot.
71
00:04:21,836 --> 00:04:23,332
Here she comes.
72
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,934
Hi, Bud. Are we still on
for the dance, Friday?
73
00:04:25,969 --> 00:04:27,933
I shall drink in
your beauty,
74
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,634
as the bee does the nectar
of the flower.
75
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,968
Isn't he a dream?
76
00:04:40,868 --> 00:04:42,801
How did you do that?
77
00:04:42,836 --> 00:04:44,732
Research.
78
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:47,801
I've been studying her
since the sixth grade...
79
00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:49,599
plotting, planning,
80
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:52,367
cataloging her likes
and dislikes.
81
00:04:52,402 --> 00:04:55,434
And now, the time
is right to strike,
82
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:58,467
for I'm at the zenith
of my studliness.
83
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,634
Five long years and now,
finally, she's mine.
84
00:05:04,669 --> 00:05:06,234
You still love her, huh?
85
00:05:06,269 --> 00:05:07,432
Nope.
86
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:10,033
I'm after revenge, baby.
87
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:14,499
Sweet, pure,
uncut revenge.
88
00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:17,332
Why bother? I mean,
that was five years ago.
89
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:19,567
Nobody remembers your underwear
up on a flagpole.
90
00:05:19,602 --> 00:05:22,068
I pledge allegiance
91
00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:24,499
to the underwear of
92
00:05:24,534 --> 00:05:28,167
the united shorts
of Bud Bundy.
93
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:37,734
Yeah, no one but the 75 kids
who do that to me every day.
94
00:05:37,769 --> 00:05:40,100
That's why I'm gonna
get Heather McCoy.
95
00:05:40,135 --> 00:05:41,934
Phase one
is now completed.
96
00:05:41,969 --> 00:05:43,199
What's phase two,
97
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:46,767
you touch her on the knee
and then start to cry?
98
00:05:46,802 --> 00:05:48,265
Not quite,
99
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,901
O- she-whose-head-
can-never-be-seen-in-a-car.
100
00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,432
Phase two comes Friday.
101
00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:03,167
We dance,
she's looking up at me
102
00:06:03,202 --> 00:06:06,151
engulfed in the cool
that is I.
103
00:06:06,186 --> 00:06:09,065
And then, at 10 o'clock sharp,
104
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,417
I dance her over
to the big floor vent,
105
00:06:11,452 --> 00:06:13,734
which, by Friday,
will be set on a timer.
106
00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:15,332
And at precisely 10:00,
107
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,767
an industrial fan
whooshes through the vent
108
00:06:17,802 --> 00:06:19,734
like dad on a bologna bender,
109
00:06:19,769 --> 00:06:22,866
and blows her dress up.
110
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:25,467
And the world
will see her underwear!
111
00:06:25,502 --> 00:06:27,267
Revenge! Revenge!
112
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,799
MAN [ON TV]:
Tonight at 8:00,
113
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:33,067
what's black and white
and funny all over?
114
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,000
Gary Coleman
and Ned Beatty are:
115
00:06:35,035 --> 00:06:36,532
Ethan and the Jackal.
116
00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:39,700
Two wrongly-fired
Harvard professors
117
00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:42,834
who love the classics
and hate crime.
118
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,367
Come, watch us now.
119
00:06:45,402 --> 00:06:46,367
Whoa.
120
00:06:50,968 --> 00:06:52,566
Hi, Peggy.
121
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:54,833
Gee, you know,
I was thinking.
122
00:06:54,868 --> 00:06:57,751
Maybe I ought to take a picture
of your behind.
123
00:06:57,786 --> 00:07:00,634
Then, that way,
if the couch was ever stolen,
124
00:07:00,669 --> 00:07:02,601
the police could match
the prints
125
00:07:02,636 --> 00:07:04,534
with at least
one of the cushions.
126
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:09,599
Oh, come on, Al.
127
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:12,666
You know you love
your honey buns.
128
00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:15,267
Remember, you used
to rub them every night
129
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,532
before you went to sleep.
130
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:20,000
Yeah, but it's just that
I hate to go to sleep
131
00:07:20,035 --> 00:07:21,467
with the smell of feet
on my hands.
132
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:26,133
All right, now be quiet,
let me work on my speech.
133
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:28,417
Look, Al, all they want
you to do
134
00:07:28,452 --> 00:07:30,632
is to announce
this year's M.V.P.
135
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,200
and then slink off into
the shadows of obscurity
136
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:35,365
where you belong.
137
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,817
It's just killing ya that
someone remembers me. Isn't it?
138
00:07:38,852 --> 00:07:42,234
That someone thinks of me as
more than just a shoe salesman,
139
00:07:42,269 --> 00:07:43,899
or the family wallet,
140
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:46,901
or the running joke
at the beauty parlor.
141
00:07:46,936 --> 00:07:48,599
These people want me
142
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,332
'cause I'm a genuine
football hero.
143
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,901
They'll probably wanna see
some mementos, too.
144
00:07:53,936 --> 00:07:55,566
Where's my old
football helmet?
145
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,000
Well, judging from the shape
of your head,
146
00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:00,400
I'd say your scalp
grew over it.
147
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,000
You know,
when you talk like this,
148
00:08:04,035 --> 00:08:06,301
I just wanna
get down on my knees
149
00:08:06,336 --> 00:08:08,567
and bite your ankles
like a pit bull.
150
00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:13,334
All right, Peg,
let the couch have a little air
151
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:15,499
and go get that helmet.
152
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:18,200
And other symbols
of my heroism.
153
00:08:18,235 --> 00:08:20,466
Oh, all right.
154
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,033
Nobody cares, though.
155
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,734
Go, go.
156
00:08:27,534 --> 00:08:29,132
I am Al Bundy.
157
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,534
Pause for applause.
158
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:36,534
The ovation dies down.
159
00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:38,833
They sit.
160
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:41,251
Dad, I need
to talk to you for a second.
161
00:08:41,286 --> 00:08:43,634
Bud, I'm working
on a speech right now.
162
00:08:43,669 --> 00:08:45,866
Dad, when you
were in school,
163
00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,599
did a girl ever
do something to you,
164
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:50,100
something so rotten, it
actually ruined your whole life?
165
00:08:50,135 --> 00:08:52,434
Yes, and you call
that girl "Mom," now.
166
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:01,467
Well, what if she didn't
actually marry me
167
00:09:01,502 --> 00:09:03,218
but still did something
real bad?
168
00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:04,826
If you were gonna
get revenge
169
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:06,400
that wouldn't be wrong,
would it?
170
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:11,450
Son, let me tell you
something about revenge.
171
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:14,334
This is something
you're going to have to learn
172
00:09:14,369 --> 00:09:17,968
before you can truly
call yourself a man.
173
00:09:18,003 --> 00:09:20,000
Revenge...
174
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:21,701
is great.
175
00:09:23,601 --> 00:09:25,017
It's phenomenal.
176
00:09:25,052 --> 00:09:26,399
It's the only thing
177
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:29,233
that separates us
from the animals.
178
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:31,700
It's why I stay
with your mother.
179
00:09:31,735 --> 00:09:34,098
Now, son,
if you have a chance
180
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:36,334
to get back at a girl
who's wronged you,
181
00:09:36,369 --> 00:09:37,799
do it.
182
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:40,601
Do it now, do it good,
do it twice.
183
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:45,801
There'll be many women
in your life, son,
184
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,866
but the one
you got revenge on
185
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,901
will always be the sweetest
of them all.
186
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,968
Thanks, Dad.
187
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,232
Hey.
188
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:07,334
Humiliate her for me, son.
189
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,667
You got it, Dad.
190
00:10:15,234 --> 00:10:17,367
Husband, father, speaker.
191
00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:20,167
How do I do it all?
192
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:27,534
Hey, did you find any
of my football mementos
193
00:10:27,569 --> 00:10:29,451
to show the fans?
194
00:10:29,486 --> 00:10:31,334
Oh, I certainly did.
195
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,734
Your athletic supporter.
196
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:40,133
Gee. "X.S."
197
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:49,032
Must stand for
"extra snug," huh?
198
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:50,667
Now, honey,
would you like me to write
199
00:10:50,702 --> 00:10:52,601
"front" and "back"
on these,
200
00:10:52,636 --> 00:10:54,466
like I do
on your underwear?
201
00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:58,632
Or do you think this
"R.I.P." says it all?
202
00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:01,968
Well, as long as we're writing
on each other's underwear,
203
00:11:02,003 --> 00:11:05,051
why don't you pass me
a pair of yours
204
00:11:05,086 --> 00:11:08,100
so I can draw
the skull and crossbones.
205
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,432
[DOORBELL RINGS]
206
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:10,834
Get that, will ya,
sweetheart?
207
00:11:10,869 --> 00:11:12,267
Uh-huh.
208
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,566
Hi.
209
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,632
Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
210
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,868
I just wanted you to know
I'm holding up well
211
00:11:20,903 --> 00:11:23,067
after being deserted
by my husband.
212
00:11:23,102 --> 00:11:24,734
What was his name?
Oh, yes.
213
00:11:24,769 --> 00:11:26,199
Doody-face.
214
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:28,732
Anyway, I know
you're concerned
215
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:31,000
despite the fact
that you haven't called,
216
00:11:31,035 --> 00:11:31,965
or stopped by,
217
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,265
or even veered
to the left
218
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,567
when I was lying
in your driveway.
219
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:39,499
Well, Marcie, it's not
that we don't care.
220
00:11:39,534 --> 00:11:43,100
It's just that the McNuggets
were getting cold.
221
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,699
Oh. Well.
222
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,732
No one could expect you
to care about a friend
223
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:51,667
when you've got a greasy bag
of fried vittles a-coolin'.
224
00:11:51,702 --> 00:11:56,667
But, to answer the question:
"How's she doin' now?"
225
00:11:56,702 --> 00:12:00,834
The answer is:
"She's doin' fine. "
226
00:12:00,869 --> 00:12:02,632
The crisis is over.
227
00:12:02,667 --> 00:12:05,032
No more sitting at home for me.
Uh-uh.
228
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:08,334
I'm gonna go out there
and grab me a pocketful of life.
229
00:12:08,369 --> 00:12:10,234
I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna do,
230
00:12:10,269 --> 00:12:12,065
I'm gonna experience everything
231
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,834
this bowl of cherries
we call "life" has to offer.
232
00:12:14,869 --> 00:12:15,899
So watch out, world!
233
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:17,734
Here comes Marcie Rhoades!
234
00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:27,532
So whatcha doin'?
235
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:29,132
I'm trying
to write a speech
236
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,167
for the homecoming dance
tomorrow night.
237
00:12:31,202 --> 00:12:33,065
Oh! Can I go?
238
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,466
I'm so alone.
Please?
239
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:37,367
Just some sort
of human contact.
240
00:12:37,402 --> 00:12:38,998
A voice
other than my own.
241
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,901
Oh, please, God,
throw a dog a bone.
242
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:46,000
Oh, Al, my heart
goes out to her.
243
00:12:46,035 --> 00:12:47,866
We should let
Marcie come.
244
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,801
She can buy gas
and dinner afterwards.
245
00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:54,199
Oh, all right.
246
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:55,601
Look, as long
as I've got ya here,
247
00:12:55,636 --> 00:12:56,933
let me try something out on ya.
248
00:12:56,968 --> 00:13:00,165
Now, in my speech,
I'm using a visual aid
249
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,734
to point out to the students
the pitfalls in life.
250
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,299
This...
251
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:09,601
is your brain.
252
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,968
This is your brain...
253
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,901
on marriage.
254
00:13:17,936 --> 00:13:19,067
[SPLAT]
255
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,534
Any questions?
256
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,767
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
257
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:37,167
But to answer
the question:
258
00:13:37,202 --> 00:13:38,866
"How's she doing now?"
259
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:43,534
The answer is:
"She's doing fine. "
260
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,050
Students.
261
00:13:48,085 --> 00:13:49,532
Students...
262
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:52,132
and fellow homecoming-ers.
263
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:55,450
I'd like to introduce
our guest speaker.
264
00:13:55,485 --> 00:13:58,734
I was hoping to introduce
someone famous
265
00:13:58,769 --> 00:14:01,532
or even interesting.
266
00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:05,065
Instead, I give you Al Bundy,
267
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:10,501
Polk High's Most Valuable Player
of 1966.
268
00:14:10,536 --> 00:14:11,834
Mr. Bundy?
269
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,534
Thank you.
270
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,766
This...
271
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:32,000
is your brain.
272
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,965
Here we are,
my dear.
273
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,467
May I say,
that's a lovely dress.
274
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:40,499
So light and airy.
275
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:42,801
Well, you should get
a picture of me in it.
276
00:14:42,836 --> 00:14:43,766
Oh, I will.
277
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,968
I already
bought the frame.
278
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,467
Kelly, thanks for coming
to the dance with me.
279
00:14:55,502 --> 00:14:56,933
Why wouldn't I?
280
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:59,167
You're the only one
for me, Jeff.
281
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,200
Uh, Rick.
282
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:03,265
Right.
283
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:05,100
Could you go get me
some punch?
284
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:16,767
Kelly, thanks for
meeting me tonight.
285
00:15:16,802 --> 00:15:18,299
Why wouldn't I?
286
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,400
You're the only one
for me, Rick.
287
00:15:20,435 --> 00:15:22,051
Jeff.
288
00:15:22,086 --> 00:15:23,632
Right.
289
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,968
Could you go get me
some punch?
290
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:31,400
Sure, before you marry 'em,
all women like football.
291
00:15:31,435 --> 00:15:34,699
But as soon as you say, "I do,"
they put on 40 pounds,
292
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,701
and the only hike you'll see,
is them hikin' up their pants
293
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:40,085
before they weld their butts
to the sofa
294
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,434
for the rest
of their worthless lives.
295
00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,400
I work for a living.
296
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,467
Could I trouble you
for a light?
297
00:16:03,901 --> 00:16:06,667
Could I trouble you
for a light?
298
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:12,666
Thank you.
299
00:16:12,701 --> 00:16:16,133
Boom, ba-ba-boom,
ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom.
300
00:16:16,168 --> 00:16:17,684
Hi there.
301
00:16:17,719 --> 00:16:19,165
I'm Blum.
302
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,632
Electrical shop?
303
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:24,534
What would you say to you
and me behind the bleachers?
304
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,133
It would never
work out.
305
00:16:28,168 --> 00:16:30,167
There's a light
back there.
306
00:16:30,202 --> 00:16:31,933
I could see you.
307
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:33,601
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
308
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,232
You know,
I'm really sorry
309
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:40,733
about what I did to you
in the sixth grade.
310
00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:43,200
Did you do something
to me in the sixth grade?
311
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:44,165
Yeah, you know,
312
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,133
your underwear
up the flagpole?
313
00:16:46,168 --> 00:16:47,632
Was that you?
314
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:50,466
I'd totally forgotten.
315
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:52,567
Anyway, I was cruel
to you.
316
00:16:52,602 --> 00:16:54,033
And I'm really sorry.
317
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:02,934
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Excuse me.
318
00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:08,567
You're the only one
for me...
319
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:13,434
Bud, what are you doing? Can't
you see that I was working?
320
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:19,165
Kel, I'm thinking about
calling it off.
321
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,801
I mean, she's sorry,
and she really likes me now.
322
00:17:21,836 --> 00:17:22,899
She told me so.
323
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:26,165
Bud, don't be a sucker
your whole life.
324
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,167
Let me tell you something
about men and women:
325
00:17:28,202 --> 00:17:31,067
We're liars,
and you're all idiots.
326
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:33,601
Watch.
327
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:36,400
I really like you.
328
00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:37,767
Really?
329
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:40,550
Hey, everybody!
330
00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:41,734
Kelly likes me!
331
00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:44,800
Could I have
your watch?
332
00:17:44,835 --> 00:17:47,100
Oh. Well,
it's my Dad's.
333
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,165
But sure.
334
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,968
Wait till the guys hear.
335
00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:54,901
Hey, she likes me!
336
00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:01,667
The prostitution rests.
337
00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:09,833
So, what you're saying
338
00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:13,267
in your own little
talking-chimp kind of way,
339
00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:15,434
is that she really
doesn't like me?
340
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:17,067
How could she?
341
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:19,532
You're right.
342
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:21,499
Tonight, at 10:00,
343
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,400
the curtain goes up
on Heather McCoy.
344
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:26,833
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
345
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,918
And you wanna talk
flying wedge?
346
00:18:28,953 --> 00:18:30,933
Let's talk about
my mother-in-law.
347
00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:33,834
People overuse the phrase,
"As big as the earth,"
348
00:18:33,869 --> 00:18:36,701
but kids, try to picture
everyone you've ever known
349
00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:38,400
under one muumuu.
350
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:41,965
I love being single.
351
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,534
I'm at peace
with myself, really.
352
00:18:44,569 --> 00:18:46,167
Oh, God.
353
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:53,200
I'll bet you don't know
what I got in my pocket.
354
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,834
The rest of your belly?
355
00:18:58,534 --> 00:18:59,499
Nope.
356
00:18:59,534 --> 00:19:02,299
The key
to the teachers' lounge.
357
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:06,367
So what say to you, me
and a whole lotta carpet?
358
00:19:06,402 --> 00:19:10,400
While I can't say that
football is a metaphor
359
00:19:10,435 --> 00:19:12,351
for every aspect of life,
360
00:19:12,386 --> 00:19:14,267
there are
similarities.
361
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,367
Oh!
362
00:19:21,634 --> 00:19:23,534
My wedding night, for example...
363
00:19:24,601 --> 00:19:26,868
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
364
00:19:26,903 --> 00:19:28,899
Shoes...
365
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:31,234
No kind of life
for a man.
366
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,801
You know, I'm really glad
I came here with you tonight.
367
00:19:38,836 --> 00:19:41,167
You're so decent.
A gentleman.
368
00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:43,601
Wearing deodorant, too.
369
00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:45,432
Wanna smell?
370
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:47,734
That's all right.
371
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:49,165
Listen...
372
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,734
let's go someplace, okay?
373
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:53,133
Hm... in a minute.
374
00:19:56,534 --> 00:19:57,632
I know.
375
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,634
I owe you a skinny dip.
376
00:19:59,669 --> 00:20:01,100
What do you say?
377
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:07,968
Uh, uh, "nyee-nyee. "
378
00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,334
Let's go.
379
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,901
What do I have to do
to get someone to notice me?
380
00:20:21,936 --> 00:20:23,534
[AIR WHISTLING]
381
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:30,567
[LAUGHING]
382
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:35,499
Now...
383
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,234
the moment you've all
been waiting for.
384
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:39,165
[MUSIC FADES]
385
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,167
The recount of my last game
at Polk High.
386
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:47,100
It was a frosty evening
in November.
387
00:20:47,135 --> 00:20:48,267
No, no, no, no.
388
00:20:48,302 --> 00:20:49,732
Enough.
389
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:52,667
Hi, my name is Peggy...
390
00:20:52,702 --> 00:20:54,267
uh, Smith.
391
00:20:55,634 --> 00:21:00,098
And I, like you,
can't take this anymore.
392
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:04,133
So now, I would like
to introduce this year's M.V.P.
393
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,467
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
394
00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:13,399
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
395
00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:16,300
CROWD:
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
396
00:21:16,335 --> 00:21:19,767
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
397
00:21:19,802 --> 00:21:21,434
Bundy! Bundy!
398
00:21:25,133 --> 00:21:26,616
Bud, you can come out now.
399
00:21:26,651 --> 00:21:28,100
I have a present for you.
400
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,833
Thanks, Kel.
401
00:21:33,868 --> 00:21:36,217
I can't believe
she did this to me again.
402
00:21:36,252 --> 00:21:38,567
How am I gonna
show my face in school?
403
00:21:38,602 --> 00:21:40,098
Like you always do.
404
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,601
From behind a wall
of Clearasil.
405
00:21:42,636 --> 00:21:44,466
Aw, gee,
thanks, sis.
406
00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:46,750
I'm so glad to know
that when I'm feeling low,
407
00:21:46,785 --> 00:21:49,000
you're always there
to make me feel like ooze.
408
00:21:49,035 --> 00:21:51,217
Oh, chill out,
ya little toadstool.
409
00:21:51,252 --> 00:21:53,365
Believe me,
tomorrow at school,
410
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,467
nobody's gonna be talking
about you.
411
00:21:55,502 --> 00:21:56,666
What do you mean?
412
00:21:56,701 --> 00:21:59,599
Just come to school early
and bring a camera.
413
00:21:59,634 --> 00:22:02,400
Trust me, Heather and I had
a little chat out in the hall
414
00:22:02,435 --> 00:22:04,434
and we worked things out
like ladies.
415
00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:20,634
Buck, come here, boy.
416
00:22:20,669 --> 00:22:22,135
Come here, boy.
417
00:22:22,170 --> 00:22:23,601
[BELL RINGS]
418
00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:40,834
[***]1
00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:06,801
[***]
2
00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:17,234
[GROANS]
3
00:01:17,234 --> 00:01:18,567
[SIGHS]
4
00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:22,033
What's the first derivative
of kinetic energy
5
00:01:22,033 --> 00:01:23,434
with respect
to velocity?
6
00:01:23,434 --> 00:01:25,267
I don't know.
7
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,634
What goes "quack"?
8
00:01:34,701 --> 00:01:36,133
I don't know.
9
00:01:42,868 --> 00:01:43,934
Ahem.
10
00:01:43,934 --> 00:01:46,601
Ahem!
11
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,033
Hey, kids.
12
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,968
Put away your stupid
homework for a minute
13
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:52,334
and look at Mommy.
14
00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:55,100
She's going out
with her man tonight.
15
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:58,734
Where should we
tell Dad you went?
16
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:02,067
It's your father
I'm going out with.
17
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:06,033
At least he cared enough
to remember my birthday,
18
00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:08,133
which is more than Ican say
for certain two people
19
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:11,400
who sprang painfully,
and in some cases,
20
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,734
backwards from my loins.
21
00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:18,434
We would've gotten
you something,
22
00:02:18,434 --> 00:02:19,434
but last year
you said,
23
00:02:19,434 --> 00:02:20,701
"If I ever start
to look as old
24
00:02:20,701 --> 00:02:22,267
"as Mrs. McKelvey
across the street
25
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,634
I never wanna have
a birthday again."
26
00:02:25,601 --> 00:02:28,534
Mrs. McKelvey is 50.
27
00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:36,367
Just wait till I find out
when your birthdays are.
28
00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:38,901
Mine's in February.
29
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:41,000
I'm an Aquarium.
30
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:47,200
And an empty one.
31
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:51,267
Where's Dad
takin' you?
32
00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:52,400
Oh, I don't know.
33
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,868
He just said to wear
something special.
34
00:02:54,868 --> 00:02:58,534
Gee, I hope it's dinner
and dancing at the Beef Trough.
35
00:02:58,534 --> 00:03:00,167
That's our place, you know.
36
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:02,234
[LAUGHS]
37
00:03:04,701 --> 00:03:06,501
Peg...
38
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:08,267
you look fabulous!
39
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:11,534
You're gonna knock 'em dead
at the bowling alley.
40
00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:15,400
The bowling alley?
41
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,701
You're taking me bowling
on my birthday?
42
00:03:17,701 --> 00:03:20,701
It's your birthday?
43
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:24,434
Kids, tonight Mommy
rides in the front seat.
44
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,000
Uh, hey, what're
you kids doin'?
45
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,968
Homework.
Got finals comin' up.
46
00:03:28,968 --> 00:03:31,734
Well, put it away. This is
something really important.
47
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:32,734
Now...
48
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,167
as we all know,
49
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:36,634
my good friend Puggy Weaver
is leaving the neighborhood.
50
00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,767
So this is my last chance
to break his alley record
51
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:42,634
in front of his sweaty,
pork-like little face.
52
00:03:42,634 --> 00:03:44,100
I've been training
for weeks,
53
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,767
avoiding anything
that would hurt me:
54
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:48,234
red meat, red wine...
55
00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:50,367
redheads.
56
00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:55,167
And those energy-draining
showers.
57
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:59,033
Behind every successful man
is a woman who didn't marry me.
58
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,100
Now, you,
my children,
59
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,300
have the important task
60
00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:06,234
of recording my victory
for posterity.
61
00:04:06,234 --> 00:04:07,767
Too many a great
Bundy moment
62
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,434
has been lost
for lack of a camera.
63
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,267
Oh, honey, we had a camera
on our honeymoon.
64
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:15,400
You just kept
beating the flash.
65
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,467
Well, Peg, if you recall,
66
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:23,100
I was doing fine till
you came into the room.
67
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:27,133
Come on, Peg.
68
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,400
This'll be the first birthday
you begin in an alley.
69
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:32,634
Kids, get
the cameras.
70
00:04:32,634 --> 00:04:34,133
Peg, get my ball.
71
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,534
Al,
it's my birthday.
72
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:38,033
You're right.
I'll carry the ball.
73
00:04:38,033 --> 00:04:39,133
You go push-start the car.
74
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,133
Let's go!
75
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,133
Let's go!
76
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:48,834
Ready, Dad.
77
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,300
AL:
I'm entering!
78
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,734
Widen.
79
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,200
Widen.
80
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,501
Did you get your mother?
81
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:57,501
Yeah, Dad.
82
00:04:57,501 --> 00:04:59,300
Rewind.
83
00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:03,567
Hi.
84
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,467
I'm Al Bundy at Jim's Bowlarama.
85
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:08,634
Feelin' good, feelin' spry.
86
00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:09,801
What have we here?
87
00:05:09,801 --> 00:05:11,033
A plaque,
88
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:13,334
which denotes the highest game
in Bowlarama history,
89
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:16,801
a plaque which will
soon read, "Al Bundy."
90
00:05:16,801 --> 00:05:17,834
Yep.
91
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:19,133
Al Bundy, Al Bundy
92
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:21,601
Brave, courageous and bold
93
00:05:21,601 --> 00:05:23,567
Long live his fame
94
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,434
And long live his glory
95
00:05:25,434 --> 00:05:28,400
Long may his story be told
96
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,567
Still picture, please.
97
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:36,934
Daddy, help.
98
00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:38,734
I'm blind!
99
00:05:38,734 --> 00:05:40,934
Let us bowl!
100
00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:43,300
Daddy?
101
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,000
Daddy?
102
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,434
Daddy?
103
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:49,701
[SNIFFING]
104
00:05:49,701 --> 00:05:52,734
Somethin'
die in here?
105
00:05:52,734 --> 00:05:54,601
Oh. Bundy.
106
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:55,601
Puggy.
107
00:05:55,601 --> 00:05:57,033
I didn't
recognize you
108
00:05:57,033 --> 00:06:00,634
with your fist
out of your nose.
109
00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:02,234
So I understand
you're leavin' town.
110
00:06:02,234 --> 00:06:04,367
I guess you'll be
packin' up the wife, kids,
111
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:08,968
and the 300-pound hooker you
visit every Friday after work.
112
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,234
So I just stopped by
113
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:12,000
to give you a little
goin'-away present.
114
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,601
Al "The King" Bundy
115
00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:15,400
will now do
to your record
116
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,701
what time has done
to your face.
117
00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:21,834
Peg...
118
00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:23,267
unzip it.
119
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,467
The bag, Peg.
120
00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:33,133
There's a spot
on my ball.
121
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:34,133
Peg!
122
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:42,067
Sorry, girls.
He's taken.
123
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:44,834
Start tape.
124
00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:46,000
BUD:
Ready, Dad.
125
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,300
Frame one:
126
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,968
the Bundy legend.
127
00:06:55,033 --> 00:06:56,934
Stee-rike!
128
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:12,000
Well, it's gonna be
a long evening, Mom.
129
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,667
You want me to order
a couple of beers?
130
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,501
For you, and, uh,
131
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:21,133
some ice cream
with gummy bears for me?
132
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,367
Stee-rike!
133
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:37,868
Still a long way
to 256, Bundy.
134
00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:39,901
Not for your wife, Puggy.
135
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:42,968
Al,
136
00:07:42,968 --> 00:07:44,601
I'm bored.
137
00:07:44,601 --> 00:07:46,167
Peg, this is
a bowling alley.
138
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:48,300
Surely you can find
something to do?
139
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,367
Well, I just
can't decide.
140
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:51,434
Let's see.
141
00:07:51,434 --> 00:07:55,367
Tennis, baccarat,
chamber music.
142
00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:56,467
Oh, I know.
143
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:58,934
Maybe those gentlemen
scratching their behinds
144
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:01,901
are having a poetry reading.
145
00:08:01,901 --> 00:08:03,901
Peg, bowl!
146
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,634
Oh, yeah, that would
look really great.
147
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:07,167
There is nothing
more pathetic
148
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:10,000
than a woman
who bowls alone.
149
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,934
[SIGHS]
150
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:16,334
Well, here
we are again.
151
00:08:17,334 --> 00:08:18,434
Marcie?
152
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:19,634
Peggy!
153
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:21,200
Oh!
154
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,267
This isn't as pitiful
as it seems.
155
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:26,667
Well, actually,
156
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,701
I was told this is
a good place to meet men.
157
00:08:28,701 --> 00:08:30,000
And it is.
158
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,467
Why, just last week,
I met two guys.
159
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,734
Of course,
they left together.
160
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,267
Yep, the single life
for me.
161
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,400
Oh, yeah.
162
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,167
This is the place
to find a good one.
163
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:42,567
You know,
there's nothing wrong
164
00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:45,100
with dating a doctor
or a lawyer,
165
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,934
but when you are really ready
to settle down...
166
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:49,167
[CHUCKLES]
167
00:08:57,501 --> 00:09:00,501
...you can't beat
a bowler.
168
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,434
Frame eight:
169
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:05,267
With grim
determination,
170
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:07,234
Bundy picks up
his ball,
171
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:09,267
knowing all he needs
is two strikes
172
00:09:09,267 --> 00:09:11,300
and eight little pins
173
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,868
and a certain pork pie's record
is history.
174
00:09:15,968 --> 00:09:18,968
Oh, there is no joy
in Pugville.
175
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:23,934
Mighty Bundy
shall strike out.
176
00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:26,534
Just bowl, shoemeister.
177
00:09:26,534 --> 00:09:27,534
Al, honey,
178
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:30,334
I just bowled
four strikes in a row.
179
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,200
Shut up, Peg.
180
00:09:35,734 --> 00:09:37,801
Stee-rike!
181
00:09:46,634 --> 00:09:48,734
Honey, this really
is so exciting.
182
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:50,534
I mean, four strikes
in a row!
183
00:09:50,534 --> 00:09:52,033
I've never
done that before.
184
00:09:52,033 --> 00:09:53,367
Come on, you gotta
come see.
185
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:54,634
Peg, this is
your birthday,
186
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:57,501
please don't make me
kill you.
187
00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,000
Okay, okay.
188
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,901
I'll be quiet.
189
00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:05,701
Honey?
190
00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:07,367
Huh?
191
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,467
Uh-oh.
192
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:15,701
Uh-oh!
193
00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:17,767
A 2-4-10 split.
194
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:20,000
You gotta pick all them up
and bowl a strike
195
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,634
if you wanna
break my record.
196
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,267
What did you want,
Peg?
197
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:31,234
Well, I just wanted
to wish you good luck.
198
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:32,934
Away, woman!
199
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:47,000
One more strike to go!
200
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:50,334
PEG:
Stee-rike!
201
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:51,901
Ah, heh.
202
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:55,334
Are you ready,
Bud?
203
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:56,367
Ready,
Dad.
204
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,000
Kelly?
205
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:11,200
Good girl, Kelly.
206
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,133
This is for all the marbles.
207
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,367
Stee-ee...
208
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,834
...ee-ee-eeee...
209
00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:21,934
...rike!
210
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:23,000
I did it!
211
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,567
Two-fifty-seven!
212
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,868
I got it on tape!
213
00:11:26,868 --> 00:11:29,234
My life is not for nothing!
214
00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:30,767
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
215
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,234
I'm so happy!
216
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,534
Nothing can ruin
this moment.
217
00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:42,067
PEG:
Stee-rike!
218
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,033
Hey, the broad
in the gown
219
00:11:44,033 --> 00:11:45,968
just bowled
six strikes in a row!
220
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:57,267
You've got six strikes
in a row, Peggy.
221
00:11:57,267 --> 00:12:00,267
Gee, I wonder what
the Bowlarama record is.
222
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:01,801
Uh, Peg.
I'm done.
223
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:03,334
We can go
home now.
224
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,234
She can't go now.
225
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:09,834
She's bowling
a once-in-a-lifetime game.
226
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,234
Yeah, Dad.
Look.
227
00:12:11,234 --> 00:12:14,801
I mean, three more strikes
and your record's history.
228
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:15,834
Oh, uh,
229
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:16,934
Dad?
230
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:19,234
Could you, sweat
this way, please?
231
00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:27,434
Al, wouldn't it be great
if I broke your record?
232
00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:28,434
[LAUGHS]
233
00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:29,767
Oh, man.
234
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:33,200
That'd be the icing
on the tombstone.
235
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,434
Any tips
for tomorrow's losers?
236
00:12:35,434 --> 00:12:37,567
I hope someone's
filming you
237
00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:40,534
during the reading
of my will.
238
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,501
Ah, who cares?
I'm not worried.
239
00:12:42,501 --> 00:12:44,968
Bud, your mother
has a 60 average,
240
00:12:44,968 --> 00:12:46,701
just like
in high school.
241
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:48,701
There's no way she could
possibly continue to--
242
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:49,834
MARCIE:
Strike!
243
00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:51,033
Throw strikes.
244
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:53,434
See, what you gotta know
about bowling
245
00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:55,901
is that anybody can make
a lucky shot.
246
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:58,567
But over the long run,
the game is set up
247
00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:00,067
so only
the truly skillful--
248
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:01,367
MARCIE:
Strike!
249
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:03,834
Get that stupid thing
out of my face!
250
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,300
Peg, listen,
honey.
251
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,467
I was
just thinkin',
252
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,067
this is no place
to spend the evening.
253
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,467
You're all dressed up.
This is your birthday.
254
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:13,868
I know! What say we go home,
255
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:17,567
I take my shirt off,
you rub my back.
256
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:18,567
I can't, honey.
257
00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:20,234
Didn't you hear?
258
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:23,033
I have eight strikes
in a row.
259
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:24,033
Just wait here.
260
00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:26,133
I'm gonna break
your record.
261
00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:27,667
What a great birthday!
262
00:13:29,334 --> 00:13:31,567
BUD:
Hey, Dad.
263
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:35,267
A little hemlock
on the rocks, eh?
264
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:36,400
Not yet, son.
265
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,667
I still have
one weapon left.
266
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:38,701
Watch.
267
00:13:38,701 --> 00:13:39,767
Oh, Peg.
268
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,667
Please make
this strike for me.
269
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:43,901
You'll make me
the happiest man on Earth.
270
00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:45,033
Aw.
See, I've...
271
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,667
I got a little money
ridin' on you, Peg.
272
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,000
Do it for me, baby.
273
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,801
Do it, honey. Mwah!
274
00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,501
[GIGGLING] [LAUGHING]
275
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,234
Gutter ball.
276
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,501
[SCREAMING]
277
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:13,601
Strike!
278
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:16,601
A new alley record!
279
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,133
Unbelievable!
280
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,234
Well...
281
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:25,367
nothin' much left to say
but goodbye, eh, Dad?
282
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:27,467
Aw, it doesn't matter.
It's no big thing.
283
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,701
Well, whatever she bowls,
284
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,100
I'll just come back
and beat her.
285
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:31,467
I'll bowl every night
of my life
286
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,100
until that record
is mine.
287
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,400
How bad can it be?
288
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,934
What's she bowling,
260?
289
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:37,167
MARCIE:
Strike!
290
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,567
270, Dad.
291
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:39,567
Not impossible.
292
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:41,734
Not impossible.
293
00:14:41,734 --> 00:14:43,200
Oh, Al.
294
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,767
Honey, I need you.
295
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:46,033
Marcie says
296
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,968
that I am three balls away
from a perfect game.
297
00:14:48,968 --> 00:14:50,501
A perfect game!
298
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:52,100
Oh, but, honey,
I'm nervous.
299
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,434
I mean,
what if I mess up
300
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,501
like you did
on our honeymoon?
301
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,868
Al, help me.
302
00:15:00,868 --> 00:15:03,200
Hey,
everybody!
303
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,133
I've got a woman working
on a perfect game here.
304
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,601
She's a little nervous,
305
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:09,601
so I want quiet.
306
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,067
That means no comments
about her shaking hands,
307
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,934
her...fading strength,
308
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:18,300
or her...outdated dress
that doesn't fit anymore
309
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,767
on, yet this,
another birthday.
310
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:23,534
So go ahead,
honey, bowl.
311
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:24,601
And remember,
312
00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:27,634
I want
absolute quiet!
313
00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:32,434
Aah!
314
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:41,000
[SCREAMING]
315
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:54,634
You, sir,
are Satan's toejam.
316
00:15:54,634 --> 00:15:56,667
I know what
you're up to,
317
00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,968
trying to sabotage
your own wife.
318
00:15:58,968 --> 00:16:01,400
Is there no limit
to how low you'll go?
319
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,234
Well, I wouldn't
kiss you on a bet.
320
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:07,901
Can't you let this woman
have one night of joy?
321
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:09,667
She has so little.
322
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:12,067
She's married to you.
323
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,834
You've seen
her children.
324
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:16,200
And now, for one
fleeting moment,
325
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,834
she has a chance
to bask in the sun
326
00:16:18,834 --> 00:16:22,067
instead of reeling
from the moons.
327
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:24,868
Now, go!
Encourage her.
328
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:28,701
Peg,
329
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,534
our children were killed
in an avalanche.
330
00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:37,701
Bowl, Peggy.
331
00:16:37,701 --> 00:16:38,734
Okay.
332
00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:39,767
Bowl like
the wind.
333
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:42,100
We're all
behind you.
334
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,200
Can't beat
a 300 game, I guess.
335
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,667
Well, you know,
336
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:48,033
I never really
liked bowling, anyway.
337
00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:49,567
Yeah, those 20 years
of practice
338
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:52,000
just got me ready for
what I really like to do.
339
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,868
That's sit in the backyard
in a lawn chair,
340
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:55,901
let the buzzards
pick at my eyes.
341
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,534
She won't do it,
Dad.
342
00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:01,801
I mean, the chances of her
bowling a perfect game
343
00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:02,834
are a million-to-one.
344
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,133
I mean, even pros
don't bowl--
345
00:17:04,133 --> 00:17:05,133
Strike!
346
00:17:05,133 --> 00:17:06,634
[CROWD CHEERS]
347
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,100
One more!
348
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,400
One more,
and she's got it.
349
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,400
God, you must
feel low.
350
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,267
Kelly, come here.
351
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,868
Now, kids, do you know what
we're witnessing here?
352
00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:27,868
A-- A perfect game?
353
00:17:27,868 --> 00:17:29,767
No, no.
354
00:17:29,767 --> 00:17:32,868
The Bundy curse.
355
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:34,601
It's what keeps us
from being happy.
356
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:36,033
There's no point
in fighting it.
357
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:40,133
It's what separates us
from the ordinary losers.
358
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:41,901
They can have
their moments,
359
00:17:41,901 --> 00:17:43,267
but not us.
360
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,934
Never us.
361
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:46,868
But Mom's having
a major moment now,
362
00:17:46,868 --> 00:17:47,868
and she's a Bundy.
363
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,501
She's not truly
a Bundy.
364
00:17:50,501 --> 00:17:52,901
See, your mother's just
a Bundy by marriage.
365
00:17:52,901 --> 00:17:57,801
She's part
of the curse.
366
00:17:57,801 --> 00:18:01,400
But we are
blood Bundys.
367
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,067
We are truly doomed.
368
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:09,734
ALL [WEAKLY]:
Whoa, Bundy.
369
00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:13,434
Okay, Al.
370
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:15,267
Okay, honey.
371
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:17,567
This one's
for you.
372
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:18,567
I know it is,
Peg.
373
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,334
I know.
Okay.
374
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:43,634
CROWD:
Aw!
375
00:18:43,634 --> 00:18:45,167
Yes!
376
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,567
Yes!
377
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:48,167
I can bowl again!
378
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,300
I can bowl again!
379
00:18:57,501 --> 00:18:59,300
[CHEERING]
380
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,067
I did it! I did it!
381
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,501
Oh, my God! Al! Al!
382
00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:10,567
Honey! Honey,
I bowled a perfect game!
383
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,667
Aren't you proud of me?
384
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:14,033
Al?
385
00:19:14,033 --> 00:19:15,968
Al?
386
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:27,200
[OVER TV]
Hi. Garrett Glaser
for News Wrap-Up.
387
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,467
A tragedy was narrowly
averted today
388
00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:32,234
when a man returning home
from a bowling alley,
389
00:19:32,234 --> 00:19:34,367
where his wife just bowled
a perfect game,
390
00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:36,734
raced into
a burning building,
391
00:19:36,734 --> 00:19:40,267
saved a family of 10
and the family dog, Winky.
392
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:42,534
Mr. Bundy,
what made you do it?
393
00:19:42,534 --> 00:19:44,667
Well, Garrett,
I've always been a winner.
394
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:48,868
And winners are always
there at the winnin' time.
395
00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:50,968
Mr. Bundy,
people around here
396
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:53,000
are talking about
running you for mayor.
397
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,367
[CHUCKLES]
Well...
398
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:56,467
I'm not saying I won't run.
399
00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:57,634
But if I do,
400
00:19:57,634 --> 00:20:00,067
order the beer and
get your bribes out,
401
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,968
'cause
as I said before,
402
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,334
I am a winner.
403
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:05,601
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Bundy! Bundy!
404
00:20:05,601 --> 00:20:07,567
Bundy! Bundy!
405
00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:09,267
Bundy! Bundy!
406
00:20:11,801 --> 00:20:15,133
Mom, why is Dad watching
a blank screen?
407
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:20,701
I don't know.
408
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:23,467
But he seems happy.
409
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:26,567
He may have
just snapped, Mom.
410
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:31,267
Well, it's not like you need
a brain to sell shoes.
411
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:32,467
Come on, kids.
412
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,234
Help Mommy put
her big trophy
413
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,634
in front of
Daddy's little ones.
414
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,334
[LAUGHS]
415
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:38,601
Good night,
honey.
416
00:20:38,601 --> 00:20:39,767
Good night,
Daddy.
417
00:20:39,767 --> 00:20:41,133
Good night,
Dad.
418
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:44,300
Hi, everybody,
I'm Roy Firestone.
419
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:45,901
Our guest tonight
on Sportslook
420
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:47,734
personally rewrote
the record book
421
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,901
on both offense
and defense.
422
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:52,200
Meet the future
hall-of-famer,
423
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,367
Al "Icky" Bundy.
424
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,601
You know, Al, I can't help
but notice the fact
425
00:21:02,601 --> 00:21:04,467
that you're wearing
your football jersey
426
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:06,634
three months after
the season was played.
427
00:21:06,634 --> 00:21:11,033
Well, Roy, it fits good,
and the chicks love it.
428
00:21:11,033 --> 00:21:14,000
[CHUCKLES]
429
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,501
Al, if we could get serious
for just a few moments.
430
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:20,934
Your wife's bowling game,
the perfect 300 score...
431
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:22,968
did it in any way
affect you...
432
00:21:22,968 --> 00:21:24,734
mentally?
433
00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:26,634
Well, it might have
affected me, Roy,
434
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:28,868
if I didn't have anything
else in my life.
435
00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:32,267
But, you know, between
the NFL and the endorsements,
436
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:36,334
and of course being knighted
by the Queen of England...
437
00:21:36,334 --> 00:21:38,200
Well, what the hell,
let the little lady
438
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,434
have her little moment
in the sun, you know.
439
00:21:40,434 --> 00:21:43,501
If there was
a single word,
440
00:21:43,501 --> 00:21:46,267
a single word
that would define
441
00:21:46,267 --> 00:21:47,734
the essence of you, Al,
442
00:21:47,734 --> 00:21:49,467
what do you think
that word would be?
443
00:21:52,234 --> 00:21:53,567
Winner.
444
00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:56,901
Al Bundy,
ladies and gentlemen.
445
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:58,667
Husband, father,
446
00:21:58,667 --> 00:22:00,501
football player,
447
00:22:00,501 --> 00:22:02,334
bullfighter,
448
00:22:02,334 --> 00:22:03,567
aviator,
449
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,868
inventor of
the seven-day underwear...
450
00:22:05,868 --> 00:22:08,901
Truly, truly
the complete man.
451
00:22:08,901 --> 00:22:11,300
Thank you, Al, for joining us.
We really appreciate it.
452
00:22:11,300 --> 00:22:14,234
Hey, it's your dime, Roy.
453
00:22:14,234 --> 00:22:17,534
We'll be back with more
on Sportslook right after this.
454
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:39,400
[***]1
00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:06,801
[***]
2
00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:17,400
[GROANS]
3
00:01:17,435 --> 00:01:18,567
[SIGHS]
4
00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:22,033
What's the first derivative
of kinetic energy
5
00:01:22,068 --> 00:01:23,434
with respect
to velocity?
6
00:01:23,469 --> 00:01:25,267
I don't know.
7
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,634
What goes "quack"?
8
00:01:34,701 --> 00:01:36,133
I don't know.
9
00:01:42,868 --> 00:01:44,734
Ahem.
10
00:01:44,769 --> 00:01:46,566
Ahem!
11
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:47,998
Hey, kids.
12
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,968
Put away your stupid
homework for a minute
13
00:01:50,003 --> 00:01:52,299
and look at Mommy.
14
00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:55,534
She's going out
with her man tonight.
15
00:01:55,569 --> 00:01:58,818
Where should we
tell Dad you went?
16
00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:02,032
It's your father
I'm going out with.
17
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:06,033
At least he cared enough
to remember my birthday,
18
00:02:06,068 --> 00:02:08,133
which is more than Ican say
for certain two people
19
00:02:08,168 --> 00:02:11,400
who sprang painfully,
and in some cases,
20
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:14,734
backwards from my loins.
21
00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:18,434
We would've gotten
you something,
22
00:02:18,469 --> 00:02:19,399
but last year
you said,
23
00:02:19,434 --> 00:02:20,850
"If I ever start
to look as old
24
00:02:20,885 --> 00:02:22,759
"as Mrs. McKelvey
across the street
25
00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:24,634
I never wanna have
a birthday again. "
26
00:02:25,601 --> 00:02:28,534
Mrs. McKelvey is 50.
27
00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:36,367
Just wait till I find out
when your birthdays are.
28
00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:39,133
Mine's in February.
29
00:02:39,168 --> 00:02:41,000
I'm an Aquarium.
30
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:47,200
And an empty one.
31
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:51,267
Where's Dad
takin' you?
32
00:02:51,302 --> 00:02:52,365
Oh, I don't know.
33
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,833
He just said to wear
something special.
34
00:02:54,868 --> 00:02:58,534
Gee, I hope it's dinner
and dancing at the Beef Trough.
35
00:02:58,569 --> 00:03:00,167
That's our place, you know.
36
00:03:00,202 --> 00:03:02,234
[LAUGHS]
37
00:03:04,701 --> 00:03:06,466
Peg...
38
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:08,232
you look fabulous!
39
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:11,534
You're gonna knock 'em dead
at the bowling alley.
40
00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:15,365
The bowling alley?
41
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,701
You're taking me bowling
on my birthday?
42
00:03:17,736 --> 00:03:20,666
It's your birthday?
43
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:24,434
Kids, tonight Mommy
rides in the front seat.
44
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,234
Uh, hey, what're
you kids doin'?
45
00:03:27,269 --> 00:03:28,933
Homework.
Got finals comin' up.
46
00:03:28,968 --> 00:03:31,734
Well, put it away. This is
something really important.
47
00:03:31,769 --> 00:03:32,699
Now...
48
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,132
as we all know,
49
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:36,634
my good friend Puggy Weaver
is leaving the neighborhood.
50
00:03:36,669 --> 00:03:38,767
So this is my last chance
to break his alley record
51
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:42,634
in front of his sweaty,
pork-like little face.
52
00:03:42,669 --> 00:03:44,065
I've been training
for weeks,
53
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,767
avoiding anything
that would hurt me:
54
00:03:45,802 --> 00:03:48,234
red meat, red wine...
55
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:50,367
redheads.
56
00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:55,132
And those energy-draining
showers.
57
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:59,033
Behind every successful man
is a woman who didn't marry me.
58
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:02,933
Now, you,
my children,
59
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:04,265
have the important task
60
00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:06,234
of recording my victory
for posterity.
61
00:04:06,269 --> 00:04:07,732
Too many a great
Bundy moment
62
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,399
has been lost
for lack of a camera.
63
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,267
Oh, honey, we had a camera
on our honeymoon.
64
00:04:12,302 --> 00:04:15,400
You just kept
beating the flash.
65
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,432
Well, Peg, if you recall,
66
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:23,100
I was doing fine till
you came into the room.
67
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:27,098
Come on, Peg.
68
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,400
This'll be the first birthday
you begin in an alley.
69
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:32,634
Kids, get
the cameras.
70
00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,098
Peg, get my ball.
71
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,499
Al,
it's my birthday.
72
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:38,033
You're right.
I'll carry the ball.
73
00:04:38,068 --> 00:04:39,133
You go push-start the car.
74
00:04:39,168 --> 00:04:40,150
Let's go!
75
00:04:40,185 --> 00:04:41,133
Let's go!
76
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:48,799
Ready, Dad.
77
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,300
AL:
I'm entering!
78
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,600
Widen.
79
00:04:53,635 --> 00:04:55,165
Widen.
80
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,501
Did you get your mother?
81
00:04:56,536 --> 00:04:57,918
Yeah, Dad.
82
00:04:57,953 --> 00:04:59,300
Rewind.
83
00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:03,532
Hi.
84
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,467
I'm Al Bundy at Jim's Bowlarama.
85
00:05:05,502 --> 00:05:08,634
Feelin' good, feelin' spry.
86
00:05:08,669 --> 00:05:09,801
What have we here?
87
00:05:09,836 --> 00:05:10,998
A plaque,
88
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:13,334
which denotes the highest game
in Bowlarama history,
89
00:05:13,369 --> 00:05:16,801
a plaque which will
soon read, "Al Bundy. "
90
00:05:16,836 --> 00:05:17,799
Yep.
91
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:19,098
Al Bundy, Al Bundy
92
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:21,601
Brave, courageous and bold
93
00:05:21,636 --> 00:05:23,532
Long live his fame
94
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,983
And long live his glory
95
00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:28,400
Long may his story be told
96
00:05:28,435 --> 00:05:29,567
Still picture, please.
97
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,250
Daddy, help.
98
00:05:37,285 --> 00:05:39,109
I'm blind!
99
00:05:39,144 --> 00:05:40,934
Let us bowl!
100
00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:43,617
Daddy?
101
00:05:43,652 --> 00:05:45,043
Daddy?
102
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,434
Daddy?
103
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:49,666
[SNIFFING]
104
00:05:49,701 --> 00:05:52,734
Somethin'
die in here?
105
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,185
Oh. Bundy.
106
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:55,566
Puggy.
107
00:05:55,601 --> 00:05:56,998
I didn't
recognize you
108
00:05:57,033 --> 00:05:59,633
with your fist
out of your nose.
109
00:05:59,668 --> 00:06:02,199
So I understand
you're leavin' town.
110
00:06:02,234 --> 00:06:04,332
I guess you'll be
packin' up the wife, kids,
111
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:08,968
and the 300-pound hooker you
visit every Friday after work.
112
00:06:09,003 --> 00:06:10,199
So I just stopped by
113
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:12,000
to give you a little
goin'- away present.
114
00:06:12,035 --> 00:06:13,566
Al "The King" Bundy
115
00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:15,365
will now do
to your record
116
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,701
what time has done
to your face.
117
00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:22,000
Peg...
118
00:06:22,035 --> 00:06:23,267
unzip it.
119
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,467
The bag, Peg.
120
00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:33,133
There's a spot
on my ball.
121
00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:34,133
Peg!
122
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:42,067
Sorry, girls.
He's taken.
123
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:44,799
Start tape.
124
00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:46,000
BUD:
Ready, Dad.
125
00:06:46,035 --> 00:06:48,265
Frame one:
126
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,968
the Bundy legend.
127
00:06:55,033 --> 00:06:56,934
Stee-rike!
128
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:11,684
Well, it's gonna be
a long evening, Mom.
129
00:07:11,719 --> 00:07:14,667
You want me to order
a couple of beers?
130
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,466
For you, and, uh,
131
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:21,133
some ice cream
with gummy bears for me?
132
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,367
Stee-rike!
133
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:37,868
Still a long way
to 256, Bundy.
134
00:07:37,903 --> 00:07:39,901
Not for your wife, Puggy.
135
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:42,933
Al,
136
00:07:42,968 --> 00:07:44,566
I'm bored.
137
00:07:44,601 --> 00:07:46,132
Peg, this is
a bowling alley.
138
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:48,300
Surely you can find
something to do?
139
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,367
Well, I just
can't decide.
140
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:51,399
Let's see.
141
00:07:51,434 --> 00:07:55,367
Tennis, baccarat,
chamber music.
142
00:07:55,402 --> 00:07:56,432
Oh, I know.
143
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:58,934
Maybe those gentlemen
scratching their behinds
144
00:07:58,969 --> 00:08:01,901
are having a poetry reading.
145
00:08:01,936 --> 00:08:03,866
Peg, bowl!
146
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,634
Oh, yeah, that would
look really great.
147
00:08:05,669 --> 00:08:07,834
There is nothing
more pathetic
148
00:08:07,869 --> 00:08:10,000
than a woman
who bowls alone.
149
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,899
[SIGHS]
150
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:16,334
Well, here
we are again.
151
00:08:17,334 --> 00:08:18,484
Marcie?
152
00:08:18,519 --> 00:08:19,859
Peggy!
153
00:08:19,894 --> 00:08:21,200
Oh!
154
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,267
This isn't as pitiful
as it seems.
155
00:08:25,302 --> 00:08:26,632
Well, actually,
156
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,701
I was told this is
a good place to meet men.
157
00:08:28,736 --> 00:08:29,965
And it is.
158
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,467
Why, just last week,
I met two guys.
159
00:08:32,502 --> 00:08:34,734
Of course,
they left together.
160
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,267
Yep, the single life
for me.
161
00:08:38,302 --> 00:08:39,365
Oh, yeah.
162
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,167
This is the place
to find a good one.
163
00:08:41,202 --> 00:08:43,151
You know,
there's nothing wrong
164
00:08:43,186 --> 00:08:45,065
with dating a doctor
or a lawyer,
165
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,934
but when you are really ready
to settle down...
166
00:08:47,969 --> 00:08:49,167
[CHUCKLES]
167
00:08:57,501 --> 00:09:00,501
...you can't beat
a bowler.
168
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,399
Frame eight:
169
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:05,334
With grim
determination,
170
00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:07,199
Bundy picks up
his ball,
171
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:09,267
knowing all he needs
is two strikes
172
00:09:09,302 --> 00:09:11,265
and eight little pins
173
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,868
and a certain pork pie's record
is history.
174
00:09:15,968 --> 00:09:18,968
Oh, there is no joy
in Pugville.
175
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:23,934
Mighty Bundy
shall strike out.
176
00:09:23,969 --> 00:09:26,534
Just bowl, shoemeister.
177
00:09:26,569 --> 00:09:27,499
Al, honey,
178
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:30,334
I just bowled
four strikes in a row.
179
00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:32,200
Shut up, Peg.
180
00:09:35,734 --> 00:09:37,801
Stee-rike!
181
00:09:46,634 --> 00:09:48,584
Honey, this really
is so exciting.
182
00:09:48,619 --> 00:09:50,326
I mean, four strikes
in a row!
183
00:09:50,361 --> 00:09:51,864
I've never
done that before.
184
00:09:51,899 --> 00:09:53,266
Come on, you gotta
come see.
185
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,401
Peg, this is
your birthday,
186
00:09:55,436 --> 00:09:57,501
please don't make me
kill you.
187
00:09:57,536 --> 00:09:59,218
Okay, okay.
188
00:09:59,253 --> 00:10:00,901
I'll be quiet.
189
00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:06,017
Honey?
190
00:10:06,052 --> 00:10:07,367
Huh?
191
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,450
Uh-oh.
192
00:10:14,485 --> 00:10:15,666
Uh-oh!
193
00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:17,732
A 2-4-10 split.
194
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:20,000
You gotta pick all them up
and bowl a strike
195
00:10:20,035 --> 00:10:21,634
if you wanna
break my record.
196
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,267
What did you want,
Peg?
197
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:31,234
Well, I just wanted
to wish you good luck.
198
00:10:31,269 --> 00:10:32,934
Away, woman!
199
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:47,000
One more strike to go!
200
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:50,334
PEG:
Stee-rike!
201
00:10:50,369 --> 00:10:51,901
Ah, heh.
202
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:55,334
Are you ready,
Bud?
203
00:10:55,369 --> 00:10:56,367
Ready,
Dad.
204
00:10:56,402 --> 00:10:58,000
Kelly?
205
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:11,165
Good girl, Kelly.
206
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,133
This is for all the marbles.
207
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,332
Stee-ee...
208
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,834
...ee-ee-eeee...
209
00:11:20,869 --> 00:11:21,934
...rike!
210
00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:22,965
I did it!
211
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,934
Two-fifty-seven!
212
00:11:24,969 --> 00:11:26,833
I got it on tape!
213
00:11:26,868 --> 00:11:29,234
My life is not for nothing!
214
00:11:29,269 --> 00:11:30,751
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
215
00:11:30,786 --> 00:11:32,199
I'm so happy!
216
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,534
Nothing can ruin
this moment.
217
00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:42,032
PEG:
Stee-rike!
218
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,998
Hey, the broad
in the gown
219
00:11:44,033 --> 00:11:45,968
just bowled
six strikes in a row!
220
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:57,567
You've got six strikes
in a row, Peggy.
221
00:11:57,602 --> 00:12:00,267
Gee, I wonder what
the Bowlarama record is.
222
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:01,818
Uh, Peg.
I'm done.
223
00:12:01,853 --> 00:12:03,334
We can go
home now.
224
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,199
She can't go now.
225
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:09,834
She's bowling
a once-in-a-lifetime game.
226
00:12:09,869 --> 00:12:11,199
Yeah, Dad.
Look.
227
00:12:11,234 --> 00:12:14,801
I mean, three more strikes
and your record's history.
228
00:12:14,836 --> 00:12:15,885
Oh, uh,
229
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:16,899
Dad?
230
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:19,234
Could you, sweat
this way, please?
231
00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:27,434
Al, wouldn't it be great
if I broke your record?
232
00:12:27,469 --> 00:12:28,618
[LAUGHS]
233
00:12:28,653 --> 00:12:29,732
Oh, man.
234
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:33,200
That'd be the icing
on the tombstone.
235
00:12:33,235 --> 00:12:35,401
Any tips
for tomorrow's losers?
236
00:12:35,436 --> 00:12:37,985
I hope someone's
filming you
237
00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:40,260
during the reading
of my will.
238
00:12:40,295 --> 00:12:42,631
Ah, who cares?
I'm not worried.
239
00:12:42,666 --> 00:12:44,968
Bud, your mother
has a 60 average,
240
00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:46,666
just like
in high school.
241
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:48,701
There's no way she could
possibly continue to...
242
00:12:48,736 --> 00:12:49,884
MARCIE:
Strike!
243
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:50,998
Throw strikes.
244
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:53,467
See, what you gotta know
about bowling
245
00:12:53,502 --> 00:12:56,034
is that anybody can make
a lucky shot.
246
00:12:56,069 --> 00:12:58,567
But over the long run,
the game is set up
247
00:12:58,602 --> 00:13:00,067
so only
the truly skillful...
248
00:13:00,102 --> 00:13:01,332
MARCIE:
Strike!
249
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:03,834
Get that stupid thing
out of my face!
250
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,067
Peg, listen,
honey.
251
00:13:07,102 --> 00:13:08,432
I was
just thinkin',
252
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,032
this is no place
to spend the evening.
253
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,467
You're all dressed up.
This is your birthday.
254
00:13:12,502 --> 00:13:13,833
I know! What say we go home,
255
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:17,567
I take my shirt off,
you rub my back.
256
00:13:17,602 --> 00:13:18,918
I can't, honey.
257
00:13:18,953 --> 00:13:20,199
Didn't you hear?
258
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:23,033
I have eight strikes
in a row.
259
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:23,998
Just wait here.
260
00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:26,133
I'm gonna break
your record.
261
00:13:26,168 --> 00:13:27,667
What a great birthday!
262
00:13:29,334 --> 00:13:31,532
BUD:
Hey, Dad.
263
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:35,267
A little hemlock
on the rocks, eh?
264
00:13:35,302 --> 00:13:36,365
Not yet, son.
265
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,667
I still have
one weapon left.
266
00:13:37,702 --> 00:13:38,734
Watch.
267
00:13:38,769 --> 00:13:39,732
Oh, Peg.
268
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,632
Please make
this strike for me.
269
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:43,901
You'll make me
the happiest man on Earth.
270
00:13:43,936 --> 00:13:44,998
Aw.
See, I've...
271
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,667
I got a little money
ridin' on you, Peg.
272
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,251
Do it for me, baby.
273
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,766
Do it, honey. Mwah!
274
00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,501
[GIGGLING] [LAUGHING]
275
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,234
Gutter ball.
276
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,934
[SCREAMING]
277
00:14:11,969 --> 00:14:13,601
Strike!
278
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:16,601
A new alley record!
279
00:14:16,636 --> 00:14:18,133
Unbelievable!
280
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,199
Well...
281
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:25,367
nothin' much left to say
but goodbye, eh, Dad?
282
00:14:25,402 --> 00:14:27,467
Aw, it doesn't matter.
It's no big thing.
283
00:14:27,502 --> 00:14:28,666
Well, whatever she bowls,
284
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,084
I'll just come back
and beat her.
285
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,467
I'll bowl every night
of my life
286
00:14:31,502 --> 00:14:33,100
until that record
is mine.
287
00:14:33,135 --> 00:14:34,365
How bad can it be?
288
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,934
What's she bowling,
260?
289
00:14:35,969 --> 00:14:37,167
MARCIE:
Strike!
290
00:14:37,202 --> 00:14:38,532
270, Dad.
291
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:40,150
Not impossible.
292
00:14:40,185 --> 00:14:41,734
Not impossible.
293
00:14:41,769 --> 00:14:43,165
Oh, Al.
294
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,767
Honey, I need you.
295
00:14:44,802 --> 00:14:45,998
Marcie says
296
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,968
that I am three balls away
from a perfect game.
297
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:50,466
A perfect game!
298
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:51,967
Oh, but, honey,
I'm nervous.
299
00:14:52,002 --> 00:14:53,399
I mean,
what if I mess up
300
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,501
like you did
on our honeymoon?
301
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,800
Al, help me.
302
00:15:00,835 --> 00:15:03,165
Hey,
everybody!
303
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,133
I've got a woman working
on a perfect game here.
304
00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:07,601
She's a little nervous,
305
00:15:07,636 --> 00:15:09,566
so I want quiet.
306
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,067
That means no comments
about her shaking hands,
307
00:15:12,102 --> 00:15:13,899
her... fading strength,
308
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:18,300
or her... outdated dress
that doesn't fit anymore
309
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,767
on, yet this,
another birthday.
310
00:15:20,802 --> 00:15:23,534
So go ahead,
honey, bowl.
311
00:15:23,569 --> 00:15:24,566
And remember,
312
00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:27,634
I want
absolute quiet!
313
00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:32,434
Aah!
314
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:41,000
[SCREAMING]
315
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:53,300
You, sir,
are Satan's toejam.
316
00:15:53,335 --> 00:15:56,632
I know what
you're up to,
317
00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,933
trying to sabotage
your own wife.
318
00:15:58,968 --> 00:16:01,601
Is there no limit
to how low you'll go?
319
00:16:01,636 --> 00:16:04,199
Well, I wouldn't
kiss you on a bet.
320
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:07,901
Can't you let this woman
have one night of joy?
321
00:16:07,936 --> 00:16:10,001
She has so little.
322
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:12,032
She's married to you.
323
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,799
You've seen
her children.
324
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:16,334
And now, for one
fleeting moment,
325
00:16:16,369 --> 00:16:19,218
she has a chance
to bask in the sun
326
00:16:19,253 --> 00:16:22,067
instead of reeling
from the moons.
327
00:16:22,102 --> 00:16:24,868
Now, go!
Encourage her.
328
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:28,701
Peg,
329
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,534
our children were killed
in an avalanche.
330
00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:37,701
Bowl, Peggy.
331
00:16:37,736 --> 00:16:38,699
Okay.
332
00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:40,417
Bowl like
the wind.
333
00:16:40,452 --> 00:16:42,065
We're all
behind you.
334
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,200
Can't beat
a 300 game, I guess.
335
00:16:44,235 --> 00:16:45,632
Well, you know,
336
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:48,033
I never really
liked bowling, anyway.
337
00:16:48,068 --> 00:16:49,532
Yeah, those 20 years
of practice
338
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:51,717
just got me ready for
what I really like to do.
339
00:16:51,752 --> 00:16:53,868
That's sit in the backyard
in a lawn chair,
340
00:16:53,903 --> 00:16:55,901
let the buzzards
pick at my eyes.
341
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,499
She won't do it,
Dad.
342
00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:01,801
I mean, the chances of her
bowling a perfect game
343
00:17:01,836 --> 00:17:02,799
are a million-to-one.
344
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,133
I mean, even pros
don't bowl...
345
00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:05,098
Strike!
346
00:17:05,133 --> 00:17:06,634
[CROWD CHEERS]
347
00:17:06,669 --> 00:17:08,065
One more!
348
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,250
One more,
and she's got it.
349
00:17:10,285 --> 00:17:12,400
God, you must
feel low.
350
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,267
Kelly, come here.
351
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,868
Now, kids, do you know what
we're witnessing here?
352
00:17:26,903 --> 00:17:27,868
A... A perfect game?
353
00:17:27,903 --> 00:17:29,732
No, no.
354
00:17:29,767 --> 00:17:32,833
The Bundy curse.
355
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:34,450
It's what keeps us
from being happy.
356
00:17:34,485 --> 00:17:35,998
There's no point
in fighting it.
357
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:40,133
It's what separates us
from the ordinary losers.
358
00:17:40,168 --> 00:17:41,901
They can have
their moments,
359
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,435
but not us.
360
00:17:43,470 --> 00:17:44,899
Never us.
361
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:46,868
But Mom's having
a major moment now,
362
00:17:46,903 --> 00:17:47,833
and she's a Bundy.
363
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,466
She's not truly
a Bundy.
364
00:17:50,501 --> 00:17:52,901
See, your mother's just
a Bundy by marriage.
365
00:17:52,936 --> 00:17:57,168
She's part
of the curse.
366
00:17:57,203 --> 00:18:01,400
But we are
blood Bundys.
367
00:18:01,435 --> 00:18:04,067
We are truly doomed.
368
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:09,734
ALL [WEAKLY]:
Whoa, Bundy.
369
00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:13,617
Okay, Al.
370
00:18:13,652 --> 00:18:15,232
Okay, honey.
371
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:16,917
This one's
for you.
372
00:18:16,952 --> 00:18:18,567
I know it is,
Peg.
373
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:20,334
I know.
Okay.
374
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:43,634
CROWD:
Aw!
375
00:18:43,669 --> 00:18:45,118
Yes!
376
00:18:45,153 --> 00:18:46,532
Yes!
377
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:47,933
I can bowl again!
378
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:49,300
I can bowl again!
379
00:18:57,501 --> 00:18:59,300
[CHEERING]
380
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,450
I did it! I did it!
381
00:19:05,485 --> 00:19:07,466
Oh, my God! Al! Al!
382
00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:10,567
Honey! Honey,
I bowled a perfect game!
383
00:19:10,602 --> 00:19:12,667
Aren't you proud of me?
384
00:19:12,702 --> 00:19:14,335
Al?
385
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:15,968
Al?
386
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:27,200
[OVER TV] Hi. Garrett
Glaser for News Wrap-Up.
387
00:19:27,235 --> 00:19:29,432
A tragedy was narrowly
averted today
388
00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:32,234
when a man returning home
from a bowling alley,
389
00:19:32,269 --> 00:19:34,367
where his wife just bowled
a perfect game,
390
00:19:34,402 --> 00:19:36,699
raced into
a burning building,
391
00:19:36,734 --> 00:19:40,267
saved a family of 10
and the family dog, Winky.
392
00:19:40,302 --> 00:19:42,499
Mr. Bundy,
what made you do it?
393
00:19:42,534 --> 00:19:44,632
Well, Garrett,
I've always been a winner.
394
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:48,868
And winners are always
there at the winnin' time.
395
00:19:48,903 --> 00:19:50,933
Mr. Bundy,
people around here
396
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:53,000
are talking about
running you for mayor.
397
00:19:53,035 --> 00:19:54,332
[CHUCKLES]
Well...
398
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:56,467
I'm not saying I won't run.
399
00:19:56,502 --> 00:19:57,599
But if I do,
400
00:19:57,634 --> 00:20:00,067
order the beer and
get your bribes out,
401
00:20:00,102 --> 00:20:01,968
'cause
as I said before,
402
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:03,299
I am a winner.
403
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:05,601
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Bundy! Bundy!
404
00:20:05,636 --> 00:20:07,451
Bundy! Bundy!
405
00:20:07,486 --> 00:20:09,267
Bundy! Bundy!
406
00:20:11,801 --> 00:20:15,133
Mom, why is Dad watching
a blank screen?
407
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:20,666
I don't know.
408
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:23,432
But he seems happy.
409
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:26,532
He may have
just snapped, Mom.
410
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:31,267
Well, it's not like you need
a brain to sell shoes.
411
00:20:31,302 --> 00:20:32,432
Come on, kids.
412
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,050
Help Mommy put
her big trophy
413
00:20:34,085 --> 00:20:35,634
in front of
Daddy's little ones.
414
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,299
[LAUGHS]
415
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:38,550
Good night,
honey.
416
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:39,859
Good night,
Daddy.
417
00:20:39,894 --> 00:20:41,133
Good night,
Dad.
418
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:44,334
Hi, everybody,
I'm Roy Firestone.
419
00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:46,051
Our guest tonight
on Sportslook
420
00:20:46,086 --> 00:20:47,734
personally rewrote
the record book
421
00:20:47,769 --> 00:20:49,984
on both offense
and defense.
422
00:20:50,019 --> 00:20:52,200
Meet the future
hall-of-famer,
423
00:20:52,235 --> 00:20:54,367
Al "Icky" Bundy.
424
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,601
You know, Al, I can't help
but notice the fact
425
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,635
that you're wearing
your football jersey
426
00:21:04,670 --> 00:21:06,599
three months after
the season was played.
427
00:21:06,634 --> 00:21:11,033
Well, Roy, it fits good,
and the chicks love it.
428
00:21:11,068 --> 00:21:13,965
[CHUCKLES]
429
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,467
Al, if we could get serious
for just a few moments.
430
00:21:17,502 --> 00:21:20,934
Your wife's bowling game,
the perfect 300 score...
431
00:21:20,969 --> 00:21:22,968
did it in any way
affect you...
432
00:21:23,003 --> 00:21:24,699
mentally?
433
00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:26,599
Well, it might have
affected me, Roy,
434
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:28,833
if I didn't have anything
else in my life.
435
00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:32,601
But, you know, between
the NFL and the endorsements,
436
00:21:32,636 --> 00:21:36,334
and of course being knighted
by the Queen of England...
437
00:21:36,369 --> 00:21:38,401
Well, what the hell,
let the little lady
438
00:21:38,436 --> 00:21:40,434
have her little moment
in the sun, you know.
439
00:21:40,469 --> 00:21:43,368
If there was
a single word,
440
00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:46,267
a single word
that would define
441
00:21:46,302 --> 00:21:47,699
the essence of you, Al,
442
00:21:47,734 --> 00:21:49,467
what do you think
that word would be?
443
00:21:52,234 --> 00:21:53,567
Winner.
444
00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:56,901
Al Bundy,
ladies and gentlemen.
445
00:21:56,936 --> 00:21:58,718
Husband, father,
446
00:21:58,753 --> 00:22:00,543
football player,
447
00:22:00,578 --> 00:22:02,072
bullfighter,
448
00:22:02,107 --> 00:22:03,532
aviator,
449
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,868
inventor of
the seven-day underwear...
450
00:22:05,903 --> 00:22:08,866
Truly, truly
the complete man.
451
00:22:08,901 --> 00:22:11,300
Thank you, Al, for joining us.
We really appreciate it.
452
00:22:11,335 --> 00:22:14,199
Hey, it's your dime, Roy.
453
00:22:14,234 --> 00:22:17,534
We'll be back with more
on Sportslook right after this.
454
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:39,400
[***]1
00:00:03,767 --> 00:00:05,834
[***]
2
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,901
Bud, what do
you think?
3
00:01:20,901 --> 00:01:22,968
Will this look good
for my graduation
picture?
4
00:01:25,334 --> 00:01:27,100
I don't know, Kel.
5
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:29,267
If you really
want people to
remember you,
6
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:30,501
you might want to
try this.
7
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,801
Now...we'll just add
a few fingerprints,
8
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:37,801
and voil.
9
00:01:39,801 --> 00:01:41,133
Every man's memory.
10
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:43,801
Mom...
11
00:01:43,801 --> 00:01:44,901
I want to look
really good
12
00:01:44,901 --> 00:01:46,234
for my graduation
pictures.
13
00:01:46,234 --> 00:01:47,234
Can I get a tattoo?
14
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:53,367
Kelly...honey, we had this
tattoo talk when you were 8.
15
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:54,868
No tattoos
above the waist
16
00:01:54,868 --> 00:01:57,968
for any member
of this family,
young lady.
17
00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,200
Can't we learn
from Grandma's
mistakes?
18
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,434
Stuck at her age with
"love" and "hate"
19
00:02:03,434 --> 00:02:04,868
tattooed
on her breasts.
20
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:08,801
I mean, don't you think
she feels silly now
21
00:02:08,801 --> 00:02:11,234
with those verbs
bouncing against
her knees?
22
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:16,067
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
23
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,367
How about
a nose ring?
24
00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:19,934
Oh. Honey,
let me show you
25
00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:22,167
what a yearbook picture
should look like.
26
00:02:26,701 --> 00:02:28,901
Now look what
you've done.
27
00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:31,767
We have to look through
the old folks' book again.
28
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,667
The worst part
is when she sighs
when she opens it.
29
00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:38,267
[SIGHS]
30
00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:42,400
Oh, Bonnie Malone.
31
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,167
Now, here is
a perfect example
32
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:46,667
of what not to do
in a high school
yearbook.
33
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:50,167
Huh. Pose with your baby.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
34
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,801
Who's
the hunk?
35
00:02:54,801 --> 00:02:56,634
That's your father.
36
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,067
What's that
on his face?
37
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,267
A smile.
38
00:03:06,734 --> 00:03:07,767
Wow. Wow.
39
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:10,834
Daddy had hair.
40
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,200
And look:
shoulders.
41
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,334
Up here.
42
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:18,100
Let's see
your picture,
Mom.
43
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,133
Oh, okay.
44
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,067
Oh...
45
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,067
Ohh, mom.
Oh, you were
46
00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:25,701
so pretty, Mom.
47
00:03:25,701 --> 00:03:27,567
Wow.
What happened?
48
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,501
It's been
60 years, Kel.
49
00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,968
Oh, look at this.
50
00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:40,501
My high school diploma.
Still sealed.
51
00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:43,868
Boy, I must have just stuck it
in here and forgot all about it.
52
00:03:43,868 --> 00:03:46,000
Now, Kelly...I want you
to look at this.
53
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,300
Because one day you'll have
a beautiful diploma
54
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,367
just like this, that reads...
55
00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:54,000
"Report
for summer school.
56
00:03:57,868 --> 00:04:00,734
"You must complete
1/2 credit more
57
00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:03,567
before you qualify
for a diploma."
58
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,868
Family, the greatest
thing happened.
59
00:04:11,868 --> 00:04:16,234
The cash register at the store
closed out 20 cents over.
60
00:04:16,234 --> 00:04:18,868
Guess whose pocket
that went into?
61
00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:23,834
Quite a genetic
sandwich, eh, Kel?
62
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:25,267
Mmm.
63
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,801
Hey, the old
high school yearbook.
64
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,834
Seems like just the other day
your mother and I graduated.
65
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:31,834
[CHUCKLING]
66
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,133
Shh!
67
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,334
And soon my little
Pumpkin will graduate.
68
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:38,133
And next year, Bud.
69
00:04:38,133 --> 00:04:40,267
Bud will go off
to college one day.
70
00:04:40,267 --> 00:04:42,801
You're gonna be
the smartest Bundy yet, son.
71
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:46,133
So I guess I'll be
the second-smartest.
72
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:48,934
Of course,
Peg will be third.
73
00:04:48,934 --> 00:04:51,000
Kelly...well...
74
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,100
No. Uh-uh.
Not me.
75
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,167
I'm third.
76
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:55,834
It may take me
five or six years,
77
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:57,901
but at least
I'm gonna graduate.
78
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,100
What do you mean,
Kelly?
79
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:08,234
AL:
Family TV hour,
Buck!
80
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,801
Now, let's see
what's on TV.
81
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:13,934
Hey, here's a good
show for you, Peg.
82
00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,133
"Goober.
83
00:05:19,033 --> 00:05:22,901
[DRAWS OUT WORDS]
Goo-ber goes
to town."
84
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,067
Go ahead, Peg.
You try to
read the rest.
85
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:30,234
[LAUGHING]
86
00:05:31,334 --> 00:05:32,334
How about
this one?
87
00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:34,267
How about
some math,
Mom?
88
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,667
How many fingers
am I holding up?
89
00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:37,400
[LAUGHING]
90
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,534
Yeah, yeah, mom.
Answer this one.
91
00:05:43,434 --> 00:05:44,901
Oh, well,
it doesn't
matter.
92
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:47,667
At least, I'm not
the stupidest.
93
00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:48,767
Kids, come with me.
94
00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:51,033
I want to show you
something.
95
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:52,834
It's the only one
of its kind
in the house.
96
00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:56,701
My high school
diploma.
97
00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:59,868
[IN UNISON]
Ooh.
98
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,434
Kelly, pretty soon
you'll have one.
99
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:03,000
Then, Bud,
you'll have one.
100
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,267
And then, well,
that's all.
101
00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:06,601
[LAUGHING]
102
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,033
Oh, wait a minute.
That's not fair.
103
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:12,200
Buck graduated
obedience school.
104
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,133
See. Here's
his diploma.
105
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:16,133
So see, Peg,
106
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:18,400
you're, kind of,
fifth-smartest.
107
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,267
[LAUGHING]
108
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:22,767
I am not dumber
than the dog.
109
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,400
Oh, yeah?
110
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,834
Well, let's just
see about that.
111
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,767
Buck, get off
the couch.
112
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,801
When was the last time
you did that, Peg?
113
00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:35,567
[LAUGHING]
114
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:36,567
That was good,
Dad.
115
00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:38,734
That's a good one,
Dad.
116
00:06:38,734 --> 00:06:41,067
Okay, look kids,
I'm gonna go to the store
117
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,133
and get some dinner.
118
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:44,501
Hey, I know.
How about alphabet soup?
119
00:06:44,501 --> 00:06:47,300
That way you can eat
and learn.
120
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,400
[LAUGHS]
121
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:54,100
All right,
that does it.
122
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:57,367
I'm gonna find out
just why I didn't graduate here.
123
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,534
You know, Margie thinks
she's so cool
124
00:06:59,534 --> 00:07:01,834
because her mom has
a plate in her head.
125
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,734
I cannot wait to see
her face when we tell her
126
00:07:03,734 --> 00:07:05,334
our mom's a dropout.
Yeah.
127
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:10,801
Okay...I see the problem.
128
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,100
It seems that I failed
129
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:16,200
one stupid, useless class
my senior year.
130
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,467
What did you fail,
Mom?
131
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:20,067
Home Economics.
132
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,968
Gee...what a shock.
133
00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:27,834
Are you gonna
make up the class, Mom?
134
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:30,601
Are you kidding?
I can't spare the time.
135
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:34,133
The Battle ofThe Luckiest
Men Alive is on TV this week.
136
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:37,901
This week, Gavin MacLeod
squares off with Joe Piscopo.
137
00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:44,067
Peg, I want to introduce you
to someone who proves
138
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:47,501
you don't need a high school
diploma to be important.
139
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:48,501
Sir?
140
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:52,868
Change?
141
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:54,501
[LAUGHING]
142
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:55,901
[LAUGHING]
143
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:01,100
All right,
everybody,
be seated.
144
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,801
Today we will review
for our final exam.
145
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:11,367
But first, I would like to say
that it has been a delight
146
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:14,334
to see you change
from innocent freshmen
147
00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:17,167
to the leaders of tomorrow.
148
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:20,234
Will someone please
wake up Miss Bundy?
149
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,868
The dog ate
my homework.
150
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:26,801
Miss Bundy, why can't you
be more like Ruben?
151
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:32,467
Well...we both
like boys.
152
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:41,534
Class...today a new student
will be joining us.
153
00:08:41,534 --> 00:08:43,133
Because of her
life experience,
154
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:45,067
she will only have
to take the final.
155
00:08:45,801 --> 00:08:48,467
No, it couldn't be.
156
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:50,868
Of all the Home Ec classes in
all the schools
157
00:08:50,868 --> 00:08:52,067
in all the world...
158
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,167
she has to walk
into mine.
159
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:59,767
Hi, everybody.
Am I late?
160
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:00,767
Yeah,
about 20 years.
161
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:02,701
[LAUGHING]
162
00:09:02,701 --> 00:09:04,601
TEACHER:
Please take a seat,
Miss Wanker.
163
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:10,767
Move it
or lose it,
girlie.
164
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,868
All right, class...
165
00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:19,100
today we will be
discussing...
166
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,100
[SNIFFING]
167
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,767
Who is smoking?
168
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,567
Hey, Kelly...are you up
for vandalizing
169
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:30,868
the graveyard
tonight?
170
00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:34,834
No, Susan, that
would be wrong.
171
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:39,367
And now,
let's just bone up a bit
172
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:42,300
before our final exam
assignments.
173
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:46,067
How would one prepare...
cinnamon toast?
174
00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:54,834
Then, voil...
we garnish and serve.
175
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,667
Ah...
176
00:09:57,667 --> 00:09:58,801
[CLAPS]
177
00:09:58,801 --> 00:10:00,334
That was
magnificent.
178
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:01,334
Thank you.
179
00:10:07,334 --> 00:10:08,467
Now is the time
180
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:11,200
for each of you to take
one assignment card
181
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,400
from my Home Ec
bag o' challenges.
182
00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:18,634
If someone would please
wake up Miss Bundy
183
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,601
and Miss Wanker.
184
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:23,534
[BOTH]
The dog ate
my homework!
185
00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:28,334
Anyhow...written
on every card
186
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,901
is the name of a dish that
you must prepare tonight
187
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:33,901
and turn in for
your final grade tomorrow.
188
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:38,868
And then later that day,
my cats and I will eat it all.
189
00:10:38,868 --> 00:10:41,734
Okay...line up and pull.
190
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,968
"Sliced peaches."
191
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:53,734
"Carrot sticks."
192
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,934
"Cinnamon toast."
Oh.
193
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,234
"Jell-O"?
194
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,100
Oh, no.
195
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:13,534
Well...this isn't
very hard. Ha-ha-ha.
196
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,300
"Crowned
rack of lamb"?
197
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,267
"Add hot water."
198
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:32,701
Oh, great.
199
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:35,234
Where am I going to
get hot water
this time of night?
200
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:38,734
Honey, I don't know.
201
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:41,767
Just use cold. It comes
right out of the faucet.
202
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,968
"Crowned
rack of lamb."
203
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:48,901
Gee, it looks nothing
like the picture.
204
00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:51,067
Yeah, neither
does mine. Look.
205
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:54,434
I need a break.
206
00:11:54,434 --> 00:11:55,934
[SIGHS]
207
00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:57,400
Hi, Buck.
208
00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:01,300
"Dumber than
the dog." Ha.
209
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:05,300
Let's see... What channel
is Wheel of Fortune on?
210
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,300
BUCK:
[SIGHS]
211
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,334
It's 7.
212
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:10,601
Just like yesterday
and the day before.
213
00:12:11,901 --> 00:12:13,467
Oh, it's 7.
214
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,467
I thought it was 7.
215
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:19,834
Yeah, right.
216
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:25,100
[SIGHS]
217
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:27,834
Anything
for dinner, Peg?
218
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,267
Get a wife.
219
00:12:34,701 --> 00:12:36,901
Ah, what a day.
220
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:41,367
It was Born Before 1900 Day
at the shoe store.
221
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:43,434
There were some feet
that were so wrinkled,
222
00:12:43,434 --> 00:12:45,534
you could've made
a third foot out of them.
223
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,534
I truly, truly
want to die.
224
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,801
But at least I have
a high school diploma.
225
00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:55,834
You staying up, Peg?
226
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:56,834
Yes.
227
00:12:56,834 --> 00:12:58,000
No reason
for me to, then.
228
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,100
Good night.
229
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:05,834
Peggy...there I was,
230
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,634
alone in my bedroom,
in my nightgown.
231
00:13:08,634 --> 00:13:13,434
I had just put in
a videocassette and was
really ready to...
232
00:13:13,434 --> 00:13:14,701
do my taxes...
233
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:17,901
when I noticed
an insect
234
00:13:17,901 --> 00:13:19,968
pressed against
my bedroom window.
235
00:13:19,968 --> 00:13:22,267
Perhaps you might
be able to identify it.
236
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:30,100
Now...I want
an apology.
237
00:13:31,434 --> 00:13:33,734
Relax, babe.
238
00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:36,834
You're a woman,
I'm a man.
239
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,200
If you didn't
want me up there,
240
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,234
you wouldn't have had
the ladder in the garage.
241
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:42,868
Peggy.
242
00:13:42,868 --> 00:13:45,300
Bud, you must be
punished.
243
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,834
No school for you
tomorrow, young man.
244
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,968
PEGGY:
He'll learn.
245
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,834
He'll learn.
246
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:59,901
Well, I didn't mean to get him
in this much trouble.
247
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:03,334
Well, I guess I'll just go back
and try to get in the mood to...
248
00:14:03,334 --> 00:14:04,868
do my taxes.
249
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:06,801
Oh, Marcy...
wait a minute.
250
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:08,334
We need your help.
251
00:14:08,334 --> 00:14:11,133
Kelly and I need
some cooking tips.
252
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,400
Yeah, I'm in a lot of trouble,
Mrs. Rhoades.
253
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:17,567
I have to cook Jell-O.
It's for Home Ec class.
254
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,434
Home Ec?
255
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:21,300
I remember
Home Ec.
256
00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:23,567
Oh, no.
257
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:27,567
What door have we opened?
258
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,567
It was my favorite
class.
259
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:32,100
I got an A++
on my final.
260
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:33,734
Lemon meringue pie.
261
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:36,367
Ohh, what an experience
it was.
262
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:38,701
My first, you know.
263
00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:41,934
Kneading the dough
till it was ready.
264
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:43,400
And I was all sweaty.
265
00:14:44,934 --> 00:14:46,834
Then came my filling.
266
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:52,234
Stirring and stirring
over a pulsing heat.
267
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:57,100
Don't bring it to a boil
too fast, whatever you do.
268
00:14:57,100 --> 00:15:00,167
Slow, then fast.
269
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:03,000
Slow, then fast...
270
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,133
till it starts to rise...
271
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,767
rise...
272
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,367
rise!
273
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:16,067
Oh, God...
my taxes!
274
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,901
Why didn't I get
meringue pie?
275
00:15:31,567 --> 00:15:34,200
Well, honey, we may
as well face it.
276
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,968
No one is going to
help us.
277
00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:40,501
It's just you and I
against the kitchen.
278
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:41,634
[DISGUSTED SIGH]
279
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:44,868
I'm going in.
280
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:51,801
[LEE DORSEY'S "WORKING IN
THE COAL MINE" PLAYING]
281
00:15:51,801 --> 00:15:53,801
* Working in the coal mine *
282
00:15:53,801 --> 00:15:55,534
* Going down, down, down *
283
00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:56,968
* Working in the coal mine *
284
00:15:56,968 --> 00:15:58,801
* Whoop, about to slip down *
285
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,334
* Working in the coal mine *
286
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,100
* Going down, down, down *
287
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:03,501
* Working in the coal mine *
288
00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:05,667
* Whoop, about to slip down *
289
00:16:05,667 --> 00:16:08,400
* Five o'clock in the morning *
290
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,300
* I'm already up and gone *
291
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:15,400
* Lord, I'm so tired *
292
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,033
* How long can this go on? *
293
00:16:18,033 --> 00:16:19,567
* Da da
Working in the coal mine *
294
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:21,901
* Going down, down, down *
295
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:23,400
* Working in the coal mine *
296
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,133
* Whoop, about to slip down *
297
00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:26,868
* Working in the coal mine *
298
00:16:26,868 --> 00:16:28,534
* Going down, down, down *
299
00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:29,801
* Working in the coal mine *
300
00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:32,067
* Whoop, about to slip down *
301
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:35,334
* 'Cause I work every morning *
302
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:37,968
* Hauling coal by the ton *
303
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:41,100
* But when Saturday
Rolls around *
304
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,234
* I'm too tired
To have any fun *
305
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:44,634
* Too tired for having *
306
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:46,200
* I'm just working
In the coal mine *
307
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,400
* Going down, down, down *
308
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,567
* Working in the coal mine *
309
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:50,734
* Whoop, about to slip down *
310
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:53,434
* Working in the coal mine *
311
00:16:53,434 --> 00:16:54,901
* Going down, down, down *
312
00:16:54,901 --> 00:16:56,667
* Working in the coal mine *
313
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,667
* Whoop, about to step down *
314
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:05,133
* Lord, I'm so tired *
315
00:17:05,133 --> 00:17:06,334
Oh.
316
00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:07,767
Oh.
317
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,334
We did it.
318
00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:10,734
We did it.
319
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:12,868
We-- We really
did it.
320
00:17:12,868 --> 00:17:15,100
[CRYING]
321
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,701
[SIGHS]
322
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:23,334
How many hours
to sleep before school?
323
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,334
Two and a half.
324
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,834
Ohh.
325
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:29,000
Well, at least I only
have to stay awake
for one class.
326
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,200
Yeah. Me, too.
327
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,167
Let's go.
328
00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:34,634
Ugh.
Uhh!
329
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,901
I can't sleep with
that damn woman in my bed.
330
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,100
God,
I'm starving.
331
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:56,000
Never anything
in the fridge.
332
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,367
[CRYING]
333
00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:36,000
Oh, God.
334
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,801
Seven-thirty in the morning,
and I'm up.
335
00:18:38,801 --> 00:18:41,100
This is inhuman.
336
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,200
Gee, maybe Mommy
will make us breakfast.
337
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,367
Oh.
338
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:47,567
That's me.
339
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:51,934
Oh, no.
340
00:18:53,868 --> 00:18:55,067
He didn't.
341
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,300
Yep.
He did.
342
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:07,567
Wake up,
you moron.
343
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:09,834
You ate
my final exam.
344
00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:10,834
Naah.
345
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:12,467
Ugh.
346
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:14,300
You didn't eat
my Jell-O, did you,
Daddy?
347
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:16,167
[SNORING]
348
00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:19,367
It's all right,
honey. It's here.
349
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,300
Oh,
thank God.
350
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:22,767
Well, what are you
gonna do, Mom?
351
00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:24,701
I don't know.
352
00:19:24,701 --> 00:19:27,067
There's not time
to make another one.
353
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:29,033
Maybe Miss Beyer
will understand.
354
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:35,000
I don't want to be
dumber than the dog.
355
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:38,501
Oh, well.
356
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:40,400
It's just a stupid
piece of paper.
357
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:41,634
Who needs a diploma?
358
00:19:41,634 --> 00:19:43,834
Means nothing at all.
359
00:19:43,834 --> 00:19:46,868
I'll just go there...
and face the music.
360
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:51,767
[BURPS]
361
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,701
Nice. B+.
362
00:19:56,234 --> 00:19:58,601
Ruben. A+.
363
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,534
Ah, Miss Wanker.
Your card, please.
364
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,167
Oh.
365
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:06,801
"Jell-O."
366
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,701
Excellent. A-.
367
00:20:10,701 --> 00:20:12,267
Oh, ha-ha!
368
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:13,901
Hey, ma.
369
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:15,701
Miss Bundy,
your card.
370
00:20:15,701 --> 00:20:17,334
Oh. I have one
for her.
371
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:20,501
"Crowned rack
of lamb."
372
00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:24,901
Hey.
373
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,100
Hey!
374
00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:34,133
Oh, Kelly...this is
the happiest moment
of my life.
375
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,400
I finally got a diploma.
Ha-ha.
376
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,467
I'm so glad you're here
to share this moment with me.
377
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:41,400
Yeah, mom, I'll
remember it fondly
378
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,868
while I'm sweating
through summer school.
379
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,367
Why did you do it, Mom?
380
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,267
Why did you
take my Jell-O?
381
00:20:48,601 --> 00:20:51,534
Oh, honey, don't you
understand?
382
00:20:51,534 --> 00:20:53,901
I did it for you.
383
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:58,467
Sweetie, this is your
last summer as
my little girl.
384
00:20:58,467 --> 00:20:59,767
Now, if I'd
let you graduate,
385
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:01,133
your father would
have you work
386
00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:02,767
the whole summer.
387
00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:07,467
That would mean no beach,
no shopping...no vandalizing.
388
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,834
This way...all
you have to do is
389
00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:13,667
spend one hour
a day in class,
390
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:18,267
and the rest of the time...
is summertime.
391
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:19,834
So, Kelly,
just think of this
392
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:22,200
as my graduation
present to you.
393
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,601
Oh, thank you, Mom.
394
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:26,567
You're the best.
Ha-ha.
395
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,467
Come on, it's time for
graduation pictures.
396
00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:34,634
Oops.
Got to go.
397
00:21:34,634 --> 00:21:36,133
Okay.
398
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:39,334
Oh, man. I'm gonna
go to school
during the summer.
399
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:44,901
Hey.
400
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:47,501
Hey!
401
00:22:02,801 --> 00:22:05,000
[***]1
00:00:03,767 --> 00:00:05,834
[***]
2
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,866
Bud, what do
you think?
3
00:01:20,901 --> 00:01:22,968
Will this look good for
my graduation picture?
4
00:01:25,334 --> 00:01:27,065
I don't know, Kel.
5
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:29,267
If you really want
people to remember you,
6
00:01:29,302 --> 00:01:30,501
you might want to
try this.
7
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,801
Now... we'll just add
a few fingerprints,
8
00:01:36,836 --> 00:01:37,801
and voil.
9
00:01:39,801 --> 00:01:41,133
Every man's memory.
10
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:43,766
Mom...
11
00:01:43,801 --> 00:01:45,017
I want to look
really good
12
00:01:45,052 --> 00:01:46,234
for my graduation
pictures.
13
00:01:46,269 --> 00:01:47,234
Can I get a tattoo?
14
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:53,367
Kelly... honey, we had this
tattoo talk when you were 8.
15
00:01:53,402 --> 00:01:54,833
No tattoos
above the waist
16
00:01:54,868 --> 00:01:57,534
for any member of this
family, young lady.
17
00:01:57,569 --> 00:02:00,200
Can't we learn from Grandma's mistakes?
18
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,434
Stuck at her age with
"love" and "hate"
19
00:02:03,469 --> 00:02:04,868
tattooed
on her breasts.
20
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:09,084
I mean, don't you think
she feels silly now
21
00:02:09,119 --> 00:02:11,234
with those verbs bouncing
against her knees?
22
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,717
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
23
00:02:15,752 --> 00:02:17,843
How about
a nose ring?
24
00:02:17,878 --> 00:02:19,899
Oh. Honey,
let me show you
25
00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:22,167
what a yearbook picture
should look like.
26
00:02:26,701 --> 00:02:28,866
Now look what
you've done.
27
00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:31,767
We have to look through
the old folks' book again.
28
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,667
The worst part is when she
sighs when she opens it.
29
00:02:36,702 --> 00:02:38,267
[SIGHS]
30
00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:42,365
Oh, Bonnie Malone.
31
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,132
Now, here is
a perfect example
32
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:47,167
of what not to do in
a high school yearbook.
33
00:02:47,202 --> 00:02:50,167
Huh. Pose with your baby.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
34
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:55,000
Who's
the hunk?
35
00:02:55,035 --> 00:02:56,634
That's your father.
36
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,067
What's that
on his face?
37
00:03:02,102 --> 00:03:03,267
A smile.
38
00:03:06,734 --> 00:03:07,767
Wow. Wow.
39
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:10,834
Daddy had hair.
40
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,200
And look:
shoulders.
41
00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,334
Up here.
42
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:18,100
Let's see your picture, Mom.
43
00:03:18,135 --> 00:03:19,133
Oh, okay.
44
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,032
Oh...
45
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,067
Ohh, mom.
Oh, you were
46
00:03:23,102 --> 00:03:25,666
so pretty, Mom.
47
00:03:25,701 --> 00:03:27,567
Wow.
What happened?
48
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,501
It's been
60 years, Kel.
49
00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,933
Oh, look at this.
50
00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:40,466
My high school diploma.
Still sealed.
51
00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:43,868
Boy, I must have just stuck it
in here and forgot all about it.
52
00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:45,965
Now, Kelly... I want you
to look at this.
53
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,300
Because one day you'll have
a beautiful diploma
54
00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:50,367
just like this, that reads...
55
00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:54,000
"Report
for summer school.
56
00:03:57,868 --> 00:04:00,717
"You must complete
1/2 credit more
57
00:04:00,752 --> 00:04:03,567
before you qualify
for a diploma. "
58
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,833
Family, the greatest
thing happened.
59
00:04:11,868 --> 00:04:16,234
The cash register at the store
closed out 20 cents over.
60
00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:18,868
Guess whose pocket
that went into?
61
00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:23,834
Quite a genetic
sandwich, eh, Kel?
62
00:04:23,869 --> 00:04:25,232
Mmm.
63
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,766
Hey, the old
high school yearbook.
64
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,834
Seems like just the other day
your mother and I graduated.
65
00:04:30,869 --> 00:04:31,834
[CHUCKLING]
66
00:04:31,869 --> 00:04:34,098
Shh!
67
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,334
And soon my little
Pumpkin will graduate.
68
00:04:36,369 --> 00:04:38,098
And next year, Bud.
69
00:04:38,133 --> 00:04:40,232
Bud will go off
to college one day.
70
00:04:40,267 --> 00:04:42,801
You're gonna be
the smartest Bundy yet, son.
71
00:04:42,836 --> 00:04:46,133
So I guess I'll be
the second-smartest.
72
00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:48,934
Of course,
Peg will be third.
73
00:04:48,969 --> 00:04:51,034
Kelly... well...
74
00:04:51,069 --> 00:04:53,100
No. Uh-uh.
Not me.
75
00:04:53,135 --> 00:04:54,132
I'm third.
76
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,034
It may take me
five or six years,
77
00:04:56,069 --> 00:04:57,901
but at least
I'm gonna graduate.
78
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,100
What do you mean,
Kelly?
79
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:08,234
AL: Family TV hour, Buck!
80
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,766
Now, let's see
what's on TV.
81
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:13,934
Hey, here's a good
show for you, Peg.
82
00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,133
"Goober.
83
00:05:19,033 --> 00:05:22,901
[DRAWS OUT WORDS]
Goo-ber goes to town. "
84
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,067
Go ahead, Peg. You try to read the rest.
85
00:05:28,102 --> 00:05:30,234
[LAUGHING]
86
00:05:31,334 --> 00:05:32,299
How about
this one?
87
00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:34,232
How about some math, Mom?
88
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,667
How many fingers
am I holding up?
89
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,365
[LAUGHING]
90
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,534
Yeah, yeah, mom.
Answer this one.
91
00:05:43,434 --> 00:05:44,866
Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
92
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:47,667
At least, I'm not
the stupidest.
93
00:05:47,702 --> 00:05:48,732
Kids, come with me.
94
00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:50,998
I want to show you
something.
95
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:52,834
It's the only one of
its kind in the house.
96
00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:56,701
My high school
diploma.
97
00:05:56,736 --> 00:05:59,833
[IN UNISON]
Ooh.
98
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,434
Kelly, pretty soon
you'll have one.
99
00:06:01,469 --> 00:06:03,368
Then, Bud,
you'll have one.
100
00:06:03,403 --> 00:06:05,267
And then, well,
that's all.
101
00:06:05,302 --> 00:06:06,601
[LAUGHING]
102
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,084
Oh, wait a minute.
That's not fair.
103
00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:12,200
Buck graduated
obedience school.
104
00:06:12,235 --> 00:06:15,133
See. Here's
his diploma.
105
00:06:15,168 --> 00:06:16,098
So see, Peg,
106
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:18,400
you're, kind of,
fifth-smartest.
107
00:06:18,435 --> 00:06:20,232
[LAUGHING]
108
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:22,767
I am not dumber
than the dog.
109
00:06:22,802 --> 00:06:24,365
Oh, yeah?
110
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,834
Well, let's just
see about that.
111
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,767
Buck, get off
the couch.
112
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,801
When was the last time
you did that, Peg?
113
00:06:33,836 --> 00:06:35,532
[LAUGHING]
114
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:37,150
That was good,
Dad.
115
00:06:37,185 --> 00:06:38,699
That's a good one,
Dad.
116
00:06:38,734 --> 00:06:41,067
Okay, look kids,
I'm gonna go to the store
117
00:06:41,102 --> 00:06:42,098
and get some dinner.
118
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:44,501
Hey, I know.
How about alphabet soup?
119
00:06:44,536 --> 00:06:47,300
That way you can eat
and learn.
120
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,400
[LAUGHS]
121
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:54,065
All right,
that does it.
122
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:57,367
I'm gonna find out
just why I didn't graduate here.
123
00:06:57,402 --> 00:06:59,618
You know, Margie thinks
she's so cool
124
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,799
because her mom has
a plate in her head.
125
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,734
I cannot wait to see
her face when we tell her
126
00:07:03,769 --> 00:07:05,334
our mom's a dropout.
Yeah.
127
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,683
Okay... I see the problem.
128
00:07:09,718 --> 00:07:12,065
It seems that I failed
129
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:16,200
one stupid, useless class
my senior year.
130
00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:18,467
What did you fail,
Mom?
131
00:07:18,502 --> 00:07:20,067
Home Economics.
132
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,968
Gee... what a shock.
133
00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:28,384
Are you gonna
make up the class, Mom?
134
00:07:28,419 --> 00:07:30,566
Are you kidding?
I can't spare the time.
135
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:34,133
The Battle ofThe Luckiest
Men Alive is on TV this week.
136
00:07:34,168 --> 00:07:37,901
This week, Gavin MacLeod
squares off with Joe Piscopo.
137
00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:44,234
Peg, I want to introduce you
to someone who proves
138
00:07:44,269 --> 00:07:47,501
you don't need a high school
diploma to be important.
139
00:07:47,536 --> 00:07:48,501
Sir?
140
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,184
Change?
141
00:07:53,219 --> 00:07:54,560
[LAUGHING]
142
00:07:54,595 --> 00:07:55,901
[LAUGHING]
143
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:01,100
All right, everybody, be seated.
144
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,766
Today we will review
for our final exam.
145
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:11,367
But first, I would like to say
that it has been a delight
146
00:08:11,402 --> 00:08:14,334
to see you change
from innocent freshmen
147
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:17,132
to the leaders of tomorrow.
148
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:20,234
Will someone please
wake up Miss Bundy?
149
00:08:20,269 --> 00:08:22,833
The dog ate
my homework.
150
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:26,801
Miss Bundy, why can't you
be more like Ruben?
151
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:32,467
Well... we both
like boys.
152
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:41,534
Class... today a new student
will be joining us.
153
00:08:41,569 --> 00:08:43,098
Because of her
life experience,
154
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:45,067
she will only have
to take the final.
155
00:08:45,801 --> 00:08:48,432
No, it couldn't be.
156
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:50,868
Of all the Home Ec classes in
all the schools
157
00:08:50,903 --> 00:08:52,067
in all the world...
158
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,250
she has to walk
into mine.
159
00:08:57,285 --> 00:08:59,026
Hi, everybody.
Am I late?
160
00:08:59,061 --> 00:09:00,767
Yeah,
about 20 years.
161
00:09:00,802 --> 00:09:02,666
[LAUGHING]
162
00:09:02,701 --> 00:09:04,601
TEACHER: Please take
a seat, Miss Wanker.
163
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:10,767
Move it or lose it, girlie.
164
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,833
All right, class...
165
00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:19,100
today we will be
discussing...
166
00:09:19,135 --> 00:09:20,065
[SNIFFING]
167
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,767
Who is smoking?
168
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,567
Hey, Kelly... are you up
for vandalizing
169
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:30,868
the graveyard
tonight?
170
00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:34,834
No, Susan, that
would be wrong.
171
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:39,950
And now,
let's just bone up a bit
172
00:09:39,985 --> 00:09:42,265
before our final exam
assignments.
173
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:46,067
How would one prepare...
cinnamon toast?
174
00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:54,834
Then, voil...
we garnish and serve.
175
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,550
Ah...
176
00:09:57,585 --> 00:09:58,766
[CLAPS]
177
00:09:58,801 --> 00:10:00,334
That was
magnificent.
178
00:10:00,369 --> 00:10:01,334
Thank you.
179
00:10:07,334 --> 00:10:08,432
Now is the time
180
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:11,200
for each of you to take
one assignment card
181
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:14,400
from my Home Ec
bag o' challenges.
182
00:10:15,701 --> 00:10:18,634
If someone would please
wake up Miss Bundy
183
00:10:18,669 --> 00:10:20,601
and Miss Wanker.
184
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:23,534
[BOTH] The dog ate my homework!
185
00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:28,299
Anyhow... written
on every card
186
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,901
is the name of a dish that
you must prepare tonight
187
00:10:30,936 --> 00:10:33,866
and turn in for
your final grade tomorrow.
188
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:38,868
And then later that day,
my cats and I will eat it all.
189
00:10:38,903 --> 00:10:41,734
Okay... line up and pull.
190
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,968
"Sliced peaches. "
191
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:53,734
"Carrot sticks. "
192
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,934
"Cinnamon toast. "
Oh.
193
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,100
"Jell-O"?
194
00:11:07,135 --> 00:11:09,100
Oh, no.
195
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:13,534
Well... this isn't
very hard. Ha-ha-ha.
196
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,300
"Crowned
rack of lamb"?
197
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,267
"Add hot water. "
198
00:11:31,302 --> 00:11:32,666
Oh, great.
199
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:35,234
Where am I going to get hot
water this time of night?
200
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:38,699
Honey, I don't know.
201
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:41,767
Just use cold. It comes
right out of the faucet.
202
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,968
"Crowned
rack of lamb. "
203
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:48,901
Gee, it looks nothing
like the picture.
204
00:11:48,936 --> 00:11:51,067
Yeah, neither
does mine. Look.
205
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:54,434
I need a break.
206
00:11:54,469 --> 00:11:55,934
[SIGHS]
207
00:11:55,969 --> 00:11:57,400
Hi, Buck.
208
00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:01,265
"Dumber than
the dog. " Ha.
209
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:05,300
Let's see... What channel
is Wheel of Fortune on?
210
00:12:05,335 --> 00:12:06,300
BUCK:
[SIGHS]
211
00:12:06,335 --> 00:12:08,299
It's 7.
212
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:10,601
Just like yesterday
and the day before.
213
00:12:11,901 --> 00:12:13,432
Oh, it's 7.
214
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,467
I thought it was 7.
215
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:19,834
Yeah, right.
216
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:25,100
[SIGHS]
217
00:12:26,334 --> 00:12:27,834
Anything
for dinner, Peg?
218
00:12:27,869 --> 00:12:29,267
Get a wife.
219
00:12:34,701 --> 00:12:36,866
Ah, what a day.
220
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:40,167
It was Born Before 1900 Day
at the shoe store.
221
00:12:40,202 --> 00:12:42,868
There were some feet
that were so wrinkled,
222
00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:45,534
you could've made
a third foot out of them.
223
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,534
I truly, truly
want to die.
224
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,801
But at least I have
a high school diploma.
225
00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:55,834
You staying up, Peg?
226
00:12:55,869 --> 00:12:56,799
Yes.
227
00:12:56,834 --> 00:12:58,000
No reason
for me to, then.
228
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,100
Good night.
229
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:05,799
Peggy... there I was,
230
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,599
alone in my bedroom,
in my nightgown.
231
00:13:08,634 --> 00:13:13,434
I had just put in a videocassette
and was really ready to...
232
00:13:13,469 --> 00:13:14,701
do my taxes...
233
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:17,866
when I noticed
an insect
234
00:13:17,901 --> 00:13:19,933
pressed against
my bedroom window.
235
00:13:19,968 --> 00:13:22,267
Perhaps you might
be able to identify it.
236
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:30,100
Now... I want
an apology.
237
00:13:31,434 --> 00:13:33,699
Relax, babe.
238
00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:36,799
You're a woman,
I'm a man.
239
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,165
If you didn't
want me up there,
240
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,234
you wouldn't have had
the ladder in the garage.
241
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:42,833
Peggy.
242
00:13:42,868 --> 00:13:45,265
Bud, you must be
punished.
243
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,834
No school for you
tomorrow, young man.
244
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,968
PEGGY:
He'll learn.
245
00:13:55,003 --> 00:13:56,799
He'll learn.
246
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:59,866
Well, I didn't mean to get him
in this much trouble.
247
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:03,334
Well, I guess I'll just go back
and try to get in the mood to...
248
00:14:03,369 --> 00:14:04,833
do my taxes.
249
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:06,801
Oh, Marcy...
wait a minute.
250
00:14:06,836 --> 00:14:08,299
We need your help.
251
00:14:08,334 --> 00:14:11,098
Kelly and I need
some cooking tips.
252
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:14,350
Yeah, I'm in a lot of trouble,
Mrs. Rhoades.
253
00:14:14,385 --> 00:14:17,567
I have to cook Jell-O.
It's for Home Ec class.
254
00:14:17,602 --> 00:14:19,399
Home Ec?
255
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:21,300
I remember
Home Ec.
256
00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:23,567
Oh, no.
257
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:27,350
What door have we opened?
258
00:14:27,385 --> 00:14:29,742
It was my favorite
class.
259
00:14:29,777 --> 00:14:32,100
I got an A++
on my final.
260
00:14:32,135 --> 00:14:33,699
Lemon meringue pie.
261
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:36,367
Ohh, what an experience
it was.
262
00:14:36,402 --> 00:14:38,666
My first, you know.
263
00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:41,934
Kneading the dough
till it was ready.
264
00:14:41,969 --> 00:14:43,400
And I was all sweaty.
265
00:14:44,934 --> 00:14:46,799
Then came my filling.
266
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:52,234
Stirring and stirring
over a pulsing heat.
267
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:57,100
Don't bring it to a boil
too fast, whatever you do.
268
00:14:57,135 --> 00:15:00,067
Slow, then fast.
269
00:15:00,102 --> 00:15:02,965
Slow, then fast...
270
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,133
till it starts to rise...
271
00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:07,767
rise...
272
00:15:07,802 --> 00:15:09,367
rise!
273
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:16,067
Oh, God...
my taxes!
274
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,901
Why didn't I get
meringue pie?
275
00:15:31,567 --> 00:15:34,200
Well, honey, we may
as well face it.
276
00:15:34,235 --> 00:15:36,933
No one is going to
help us.
277
00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:40,501
It's just you and I
against the kitchen.
278
00:15:40,536 --> 00:15:41,634
[DISGUSTED SIGH]
279
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:44,868
I'm going in.
280
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:51,801
[LEE DORSEY'S "WORKING IN
THE COAL MINE" PLAYING]
281
00:15:51,836 --> 00:15:53,685
* Working in the coal mine *
282
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,344
* Going down, down, down *
283
00:15:55,379 --> 00:15:57,090
* Working in the coal mine *
284
00:15:57,125 --> 00:15:58,729
* Whoop, about to slip down *
285
00:15:58,764 --> 00:16:00,432
* Working in the coal mine *
286
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:01,984
* Going down, down, down *
287
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:03,843
* Working in the coal mine *
288
00:16:03,878 --> 00:16:06,139
* Whoop, about to slip down *
289
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:09,237
* Five o'clock in the morning *
290
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:12,300
* I'm already up and gone *
291
00:16:12,335 --> 00:16:15,365
* Lord, I'm so tired *
292
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,998
* How long can this go on? *
293
00:16:18,033 --> 00:16:19,567
* Da da
Working in the coal mine *
294
00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:21,501
* Going down, down, down *
295
00:16:21,536 --> 00:16:23,334
* Working in the coal mine *
296
00:16:23,369 --> 00:16:25,118
* Whoop, about to slip down *
297
00:16:25,153 --> 00:16:26,843
* Working in the coal mine *
298
00:16:26,878 --> 00:16:28,339
* Going down, down, down *
299
00:16:28,374 --> 00:16:30,220
* Working in the coal mine *
300
00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:32,794
* Whoop, about to slip down *
301
00:16:32,829 --> 00:16:35,398
* 'Cause I work every morning *
302
00:16:35,433 --> 00:16:37,933
* Hauling coal by the ton *
303
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:40,601
* But when Saturday
Rolls around *
304
00:16:40,636 --> 00:16:43,234
* I'm too tired
To have any fun *
305
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:44,599
* Too tired for having *
306
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:46,200
* I'm just working
In the coal mine *
307
00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:47,901
* Going down, down, down *
308
00:16:47,936 --> 00:16:49,335
* Working in the coal mine *
309
00:16:49,370 --> 00:16:51,402
* Whoop, about to slip down *
310
00:16:51,437 --> 00:16:53,169
* Working in the coal mine *
311
00:16:53,204 --> 00:16:54,935
* Going down, down, down *
312
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:56,818
* Working in the coal mine *
313
00:16:56,853 --> 00:16:58,667
* Whoop, about to step down *
314
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:05,133
* Lord, I'm so tired *
315
00:17:05,168 --> 00:17:06,467
Oh.
316
00:17:06,502 --> 00:17:07,732
Oh.
317
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,250
We did it.
318
00:17:09,285 --> 00:17:10,699
We did it.
319
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:12,868
We... We really
did it.
320
00:17:12,903 --> 00:17:15,100
[CRYING]
321
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,666
[SIGHS]
322
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:23,334
How many hours
to sleep before school?
323
00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:24,334
Two and a half.
324
00:17:24,369 --> 00:17:25,799
Ohh.
325
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:29,000
Well, at least I only have
to stay awake for one class.
326
00:17:29,035 --> 00:17:30,200
Yeah. Me, too.
327
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,367
Let's go.
328
00:17:33,402 --> 00:17:34,634
Ugh.
Uhh!
329
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,901
I can't sleep with
that damn woman in my bed.
330
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,100
God,
I'm starving.
331
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:56,000
Never anything
in the fridge.
332
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,367
[CRYING]
333
00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:35,965
Oh, God.
334
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,801
Seven-thirty in the morning,
and I'm up.
335
00:18:38,836 --> 00:18:41,065
This is inhuman.
336
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,200
Gee, maybe Mommy
will make us breakfast.
337
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,332
Oh.
338
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:47,567
That's me.
339
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:51,934
Oh, no.
340
00:18:53,868 --> 00:18:55,067
He didn't.
341
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,300
Yep.
He did.
342
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:07,667
Wake up,
you moron.
343
00:19:07,702 --> 00:19:09,834
You ate
my final exam.
344
00:19:09,869 --> 00:19:11,168
Naah.
345
00:19:11,203 --> 00:19:12,432
Ugh.
346
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:14,300
You didn't eat my
Jell-O, did you, Daddy?
347
00:19:14,335 --> 00:19:16,167
[SNORING]
348
00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:19,367
It's all right,
honey. It's here.
349
00:19:19,402 --> 00:19:21,265
Oh,
thank God.
350
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:22,767
Well, what are you
gonna do, Mom?
351
00:19:22,802 --> 00:19:24,666
I don't know.
352
00:19:24,701 --> 00:19:26,867
There's not time
to make another one.
353
00:19:26,902 --> 00:19:29,033
Maybe Miss Beyer
will understand.
354
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:35,000
I don't want to be
dumber than the dog.
355
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:38,466
Oh, well.
356
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:40,400
It's just a stupid
piece of paper.
357
00:19:40,435 --> 00:19:42,134
Who needs a diploma?
358
00:19:42,169 --> 00:19:43,799
Means nothing at all.
359
00:19:43,834 --> 00:19:46,868
I'll just go there...
and face the music.
360
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:51,767
[BURPS]
361
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,701
Nice. B+.
362
00:19:56,234 --> 00:19:58,601
Ruben. A+.
363
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,534
Ah, Miss Wanker.
Your card, please.
364
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,167
Oh.
365
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:06,801
"Jell-O."
366
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,317
Excellent. A-.
367
00:20:10,352 --> 00:20:12,126
Oh, ha-ha!
368
00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:13,866
Hey, ma.
369
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:15,617
Miss Bundy,
your card.
370
00:20:15,652 --> 00:20:17,334
Oh. I have one
for her.
371
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:20,501
"Crowned rack
of lamb. "
372
00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:24,901
Hey.
373
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,100
Hey!
374
00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:34,133
Oh, Kelly... this is the
happiest moment of my life.
375
00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:36,365
I finally got a diploma.
Ha-ha.
376
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,467
I'm so glad you're here
to share this moment with me.
377
00:20:39,502 --> 00:20:41,365
Yeah, mom, I'll
remember it fondly
378
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,868
while I'm sweating
through summer school.
379
00:20:43,903 --> 00:20:45,332
Why did you do it, Mom?
380
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,267
Why did you
take my Jell-O?
381
00:20:48,601 --> 00:20:51,534
Oh, honey, don't you
understand?
382
00:20:51,569 --> 00:20:53,866
I did it for you.
383
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:58,467
Sweetie, this is your last
summer as my little girl.
384
00:20:58,502 --> 00:20:59,817
Now, if I'd
let you graduate,
385
00:20:59,852 --> 00:21:01,133
your father would
have you work
386
00:21:01,168 --> 00:21:02,732
the whole summer.
387
00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:07,467
That would mean no beach,
no shopping... no vandalizing.
388
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,267
This way... all
you have to do is
389
00:21:11,302 --> 00:21:13,632
spend one hour
a day in class,
390
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:18,267
and the rest of the time...
is summertime.
391
00:21:18,302 --> 00:21:20,251
So, Kelly,
just think of this
392
00:21:20,286 --> 00:21:22,200
as my graduation
present to you.
393
00:21:22,235 --> 00:21:24,566
Oh, thank you, Mom.
394
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:26,567
You're the best.
Ha-ha.
395
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,467
Come on, it's time for
graduation pictures.
396
00:21:33,502 --> 00:21:34,634
Oops.
Got to go.
397
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,098
Okay.
398
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:39,334
Oh, man. I'm gonna go to
school during the summer.
399
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:44,901
Hey.
400
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:47,501
Hey!
401
00:22:02,801 --> 00:22:05,000
[***]1
00:00:03,434 --> 00:00:05,901
[***]
2
00:01:15,634 --> 00:01:18,167
Okay, honey.
It's ready.
3
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,467
All right. What would you
like to start with?
4
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:25,200
Something light.
5
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:26,701
The gas bill.
6
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,167
Pen.
7
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:34,334
Bromo.
8
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,634
Mortgage.
9
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:40,801
Pepto.
10
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,601
Department store.
11
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,767
Shotgun.
12
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,601
Al...can't you
go any faster?
13
00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:58,801
Let's pretend
we're upstairs.
14
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,968
I know.
I'll yell, "Not yet."
15
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:03,868
That always seems
to speed you up.
16
00:02:03,868 --> 00:02:06,200
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg.
Am I bringing you down?
17
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,934
Well, let me try
another attitude.
18
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:09,834
* Oh, man, we're broke
Cha, cha, cha *
19
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:11,667
* Everybody flat broke
Cha, cha, cha *
20
00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,501
* Living in the gutter
Cha, cha, cha *
21
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,234
* Early grave
Cha, cha, cha *
22
00:02:16,234 --> 00:02:19,033
All right. Now,
everybody, shoot me!
23
00:02:25,167 --> 00:02:27,167
Kiss me
with a hammer.
24
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,300
What's the matter, honey?
25
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,868
It's that school place.
26
00:02:31,868 --> 00:02:35,601
They want me to be a stupid
intern at some stupid station.
27
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:37,167
Channel 83.
28
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,267
Nobody watches Channel 83.
29
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:43,701
Cosmic Dog is
a pretty darn good show.
30
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:46,234
God, it's so unfair.
31
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,767
They gave all
the cool assignments
32
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,167
to the kids
who were awake.
33
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:53,367
They're gonna
make me work nights.
34
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,701
So now, come dawn,
35
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:56,267
when we're wondering
where you are,
36
00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:58,067
we'll just check
the TV station
37
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,467
instead of the bushes.
38
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:04,133
Oh, go dance alone
in your underwear.
39
00:03:04,133 --> 00:03:06,000
Al, the kids
are arguing again.
40
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,300
Would you talk to them?
41
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:11,634
Talking to them won't
make them go away, Peg.
42
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:14,834
Besides, I have to concentrate
on this raise thing.
43
00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:16,934
It's time I got
my dignity back.
44
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:19,167
Come on, Bud, let's get
some Windex and a squeegee
45
00:03:19,167 --> 00:03:20,267
and hit the off-ramps.
46
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:25,200
Daddy needs to
buy a power tie.
47
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:28,033
Mom, what am I
gonna do?
48
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:29,701
If I don't do
this stupid intern thing,
49
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:31,434
I won't graduate.
50
00:03:31,434 --> 00:03:34,734
Hm...graduation.
51
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:37,968
Kelly...maybe it's time
we had a little talk.
52
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,501
You're getting
to be a big girl now,
53
00:03:39,501 --> 00:03:41,434
and there's something
I've been putting off
54
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:43,067
telling you for a while.
55
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,801
But time is
slipping by quickly,
56
00:03:44,801 --> 00:03:48,400
and I don't want you to learn
about it on the street.
57
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,801
Honey, ahem...there is
a thing out there
58
00:03:51,801 --> 00:03:54,234
that men will
want you to do.
59
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,000
In fact, they'll
expect it.
60
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,434
Now, no woman
really enjoys it,
61
00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:02,434
but we do it,
get them to marry us
62
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:04,868
and then never
have to do it again.
63
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:10,567
That horrible thing
is called...
64
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:13,067
work.
65
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,701
Hold me, Mom.
I'm scared.
66
00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:18,067
Aw, I know. I know.
67
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,834
But, honey, the important thing
is to do it early,
68
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:22,100
whileyou're still young.
69
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:26,234
That way...when your husband
comes home reeking of beer,
70
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:30,200
wanting some loving, you'll
follow that fat rump upstairs.
71
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:35,000
Because you'll know...
that no matter how disgusting
72
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,634
the next three
minutes will be...
73
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:42,133
it still beats
the hell out of work.
74
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:44,834
Thank you, Mom.
You're so wise.
75
00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:46,133
Ah, well.
76
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:48,634
You know, you can't sit
on a sofa 20 hours a day
77
00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:50,100
and not learn something.
78
00:04:55,968 --> 00:04:57,467
Okay, who ordered
the coffee?
79
00:04:57,467 --> 00:04:58,701
I did.
80
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:06,901
Who is that?
81
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,167
It's our new intern.
82
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:11,267
But what we need is a gimmick
to get the ratings up.
83
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:14,767
Look. I made it cloudy
way up in the pointy states.
84
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:24,200
Come on, Al.
85
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,234
What is it
you're gonna tell us?
86
00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,734
Is it about
your raise?
87
00:05:27,734 --> 00:05:29,267
Ah, ah, ah, Peg.
88
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:31,868
Not till the whole
family's here.
89
00:05:31,868 --> 00:05:33,100
This news is so big,
90
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,734
I even want the girl
to hear it.
91
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:39,868
There we go.
92
00:05:39,868 --> 00:05:41,434
It's time.
93
00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:42,634
Family--
94
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,601
Mom, Dad, I just got a job
for $1000 a week.
95
00:05:45,601 --> 00:05:47,868
Are you kidding me?
96
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:49,467
I can't believe that.
97
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:50,734
Oh, we're
rich!
We're rich!
98
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,534
Oh, Mom.
99
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:56,767
Oh, Mom. She's
finally turning pro.
100
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:03,100
Oh, a successful
Bundy.
101
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,868
Oh, Al...
102
00:06:04,868 --> 00:06:07,501
come and brownnose
with us.
103
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,567
Why should I?
You're already doing a good job.
104
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:12,901
I'm sorry, honey.
105
00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:14,801
You had
an announcement too.
106
00:06:14,801 --> 00:06:17,968
Did not.
107
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:19,567
Come on, Dad,
tell us.
108
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,067
We're really
interested.
109
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:23,868
Well, okay.
110
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:26,734
Well, today I made
my stand at work.
111
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,734
I fought, I threw myself
on the ground,
112
00:06:28,734 --> 00:06:30,100
I screamed like a woman.
113
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,968
But I finally got
what I was after.
114
00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:36,701
Folks, you're looking at a man
with a $5 a week raise.
115
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,801
Gee, Kelly...
Kelly...
116
00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:50,000
Hurry up, Dad.
She's gonna be
on in a minute.
117
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,434
Well, I still think it's
a pretty unfair world
118
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,801
when someone who doesn't even
have a high school diploma
119
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,367
makes more than
someone important,
120
00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:59,601
like a Ph.D.
or a...shoe salesman.
121
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,934
Oh, honey...you may
not make much money,
122
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:06,634
but Kelly will never have
the satisfaction of saying,
123
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:10,467
"I used to play
a little high-school ball."
124
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:14,200
You know, son, one day
you'll have a girl
125
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,501
just like the girl
that's killing
dear old Dad.
126
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:19,801
Shut up, Al.
127
00:07:19,801 --> 00:07:21,200
Oh, she's coming on.
128
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,067
ANNOUNCER:
And now the Action Weather,
129
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:26,234
with meteorologist
Bill Palomino.
130
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:29,534
And, yes, girls,
I'm still single.
131
00:07:29,534 --> 00:07:31,934
Now, let's have some fun.
Let's do weather.
132
00:07:31,934 --> 00:07:33,467
It's still sunny
here in Chicago,
133
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:34,634
but up in Washington,
134
00:07:34,634 --> 00:07:36,067
they're expecting
more clouds.
135
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,267
Right, weather bunny?
136
00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:39,000
Right-o,
Bill.
137
00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:48,767
Look, folks, it stays up there
all by itself.
138
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:52,868
And we have
tornado warnings for--
139
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:54,367
Excuse me, Bill.
140
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,934
But I have a little
inside tip for our viewers.
141
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,334
You see these
little clouds?
142
00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:00,200
Now, they won't stick
to just anything.
143
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,801
Look.
144
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:07,434
Now, kids,
don't try this at home.
145
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:09,367
Back to you, Bill.
146
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:15,801
Oh. Look at her, Al.
147
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:19,100
The product
of our love.
148
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,868
That's not surprising,
is it, Peg?
149
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,634
Oh, Al, I know you're
a little down,
150
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:27,567
what with Kelly
making more in a day
151
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,534
than you made
in the '80s.
152
00:08:30,868 --> 00:08:32,634
But, as far
as I'm concerned,
153
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,234
you're still the man
in the house.
154
00:08:34,234 --> 00:08:35,934
Thanks, Peg.
What's for dinner?
155
00:08:35,934 --> 00:08:36,934
Veal.
156
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,267
I hate veal.
157
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,801
Oh, I know,
but Kelly wanted it.
158
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:44,667
And so,
as you can all see,
159
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:47,300
Kelly Bundy overcame
blinding poverty
160
00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:49,634
to become the star
she is today.
161
00:08:49,634 --> 00:08:51,801
And remember...later,
there will be a chance
162
00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:54,367
for all of you to purchase
some of her bath water.
163
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,534
So now,
if you'll just wave
164
00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:59,601
to Kelly's mother
on the way out...
165
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:02,467
We'll conclude
the tour
166
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,200
with the car that Kelly
was conceived in
167
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:05,934
and the garage
where she was born.
168
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:14,100
Oh, Al...isn't
this exciting?
169
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,501
He didn't even
introduce me, Peg.
170
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:18,200
Well, you know,
we discussed it,
171
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,067
but the legend seemed
to work better with you dead.
172
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:23,868
Oh. Oh.
173
00:09:23,868 --> 00:09:26,868
Oh, God. What a day.
174
00:09:26,868 --> 00:09:28,868
Clouds just
would not stick.
175
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,501
I'm bleeding for you.
176
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,100
Pass me a bread stick,
dear.
177
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,801
Al...she reaches
for a living.
178
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:40,100
She should relax
when she's at home.
179
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,400
Excuse your father, honey.
He's an idiot.
180
00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:47,834
Peggy...tell Bud I don't have
to pay to get in here.
181
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:49,100
That's
right, Bud.
182
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,267
I sold her
a lifetime pass yesterday.
183
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:56,634
Kelly, I've got
to ask you a question.
184
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,234
I am sorry,
but I am not allowed
185
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:01,801
to reveal tomorrow's weather
until tomorrow.
186
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,467
To hell with the weather.
187
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:06,267
Give me the poop on Palomino.
188
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:07,801
Boy, there's one warm front
189
00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:09,934
I wouldn't mind settling
over me for a few days.
190
00:10:12,734 --> 00:10:14,701
Well, actually,
he's not the nice man
191
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:15,801
that he appears to be.
192
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:17,434
I mean, just today
after the weather,
193
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:19,734
when I, like America,
194
00:10:19,734 --> 00:10:23,534
wondered aloud
where East Dakota was...
195
00:10:23,534 --> 00:10:25,234
he went
to the station manager
196
00:10:25,234 --> 00:10:27,501
and said,
"Either the bimbo goes or I go."
197
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,267
Well, it looks
like things
198
00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:31,367
will start to get back
to normal around here now.
199
00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:33,334
So I guess the next tour
comes through here,
200
00:10:33,334 --> 00:10:35,767
you'll be selling
my bath water.
201
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,133
Yeah, right, Al.
202
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,501
Like I really kept it
for five years.
203
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:46,000
I'm sorry you lost
your job, Kelly.
204
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,100
My job? They canned him
like a tuna.
205
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,667
I mean...after all,
206
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,901
I am the one
in the short skirt.
207
00:10:55,901 --> 00:10:59,901
And you always
will be, honey.
208
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:03,334
Oh, your first job.
How exciting.
209
00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:05,434
Working during
your high school years.
210
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:06,968
That's what I did.
211
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:09,300
While everyone else
was out having fun.
212
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:12,400
But I was saving
for a college education.
213
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:13,701
And that's
what it went for.
214
00:11:13,701 --> 00:11:17,734
My sister's
college education.
215
00:11:17,734 --> 00:11:20,100
Ah! And, of course,
Mother wouldn't dream
216
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,334
of asking her to work.
217
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:24,801
No. Because sis was too
pretty and too delicate
218
00:11:24,801 --> 00:11:27,200
to be hauling around
slabs of meat.
219
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:30,868
Now she's a physicist,
220
00:11:30,868 --> 00:11:32,234
and I can stuff
a sausage
221
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,968
with one hand
tied behind my back.
222
00:11:34,968 --> 00:11:36,367
So everything
worked out.
223
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,834
I guess what
I'm trying to say is...
224
00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:42,567
what happened
to my life? My youth?
225
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:44,000
Peg, do you mind,
here?
226
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:49,434
All I want is
my fair share.
227
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:53,234
To go to the prom.
To work on a float.
228
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,067
To have a date
with a boy
229
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:57,200
instead of a pork shoulder
I'd call Vinnie.
230
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:01,000
Peggy, do I deserve
to be treated like this?
231
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,400
I mean--
232
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,534
[MOUTHS WORDS]
233
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:10,434
God. She needs a date
worse than I do.
234
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,901
Mom, she really
depressed me.
235
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,801
Oh, honey,
it's all right.
236
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:19,067
I know what would
make you feel better.
237
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:22,767
Al, tell us again
about your raise.
238
00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:24,100
[LAUGHING]
239
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,701
How much was it?
240
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:32,300
Oh, you're
the greatest, Mom.
241
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:35,267
But I really do
need some advice.
242
00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:38,434
Mom, I'm on the horns
of an enema.
243
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:44,634
See...in order to be
the weather girl,
244
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:46,634
I'd have to work full-time,
and that would mean
245
00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:48,000
I'd have to quit school.
246
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,200
Oh. Gee, Kelly.
247
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,701
Quitting school's
a big step.
248
00:12:53,701 --> 00:12:57,133
I mean, that's where
we get our pens and pencils.
249
00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:01,734
And our little
cartons of milk.
250
00:13:01,734 --> 00:13:03,100
Al, talk to her.
251
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:06,300
What's left to say,
Mama Walton?
252
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:10,367
Come here, young lady.
253
00:13:12,701 --> 00:13:17,634
Now, Kelly...you've got
to stay in school.
254
00:13:17,634 --> 00:13:19,567
It's important
for your future.
255
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,467
Now, look at me.
256
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,334
If I didn't have
a high school diploma,
257
00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:24,901
I'd just be a...
258
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:30,400
Well, maybe I'm not
a good example,
259
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,534
but...it does help
other people.
260
00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:37,367
You know, lawyers,
doctors, astronauts...
261
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:41,601
Everybody except me.
262
00:13:41,601 --> 00:13:42,601
Daddy?
263
00:13:42,601 --> 00:13:44,667
Give Daddy
a second here.
264
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:54,300
What happened to me?
265
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,033
I'm not a stupid man.
266
00:13:57,033 --> 00:13:58,267
Oh, well.
267
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:00,601
It's important
to stay in school.
268
00:14:00,601 --> 00:14:02,167
You can command
a much bigger salary
269
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:04,367
with a high school diploma
than without it.
270
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:07,267
How much they gonna pay you
to be this...weather girl?
271
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:11,400
Well...the contract
is for three years at, um...
272
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,701
$250,000 a year.
273
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:21,467
All right. High school
is for dummies.
274
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,601
Now, I wanted to pull you out
of the seventh grade,
275
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:24,968
but your mother
and that county
276
00:14:24,968 --> 00:14:26,400
wouldn't let me.
277
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,534
What about
the astronauts, Al?
278
00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:32,434
You name one that's
doing better than
my little girl here.
279
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:36,601
Now, pumpkin, you're
going to need a manager.
280
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:38,000
Should be somebody
close to you,
281
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,634
maybe a family member,
someone you can trust.
282
00:14:40,634 --> 00:14:42,100
Well, I trust you,
Daddy.
283
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:46,000
And I love you,
pumpkin.
284
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,234
Now, I know
you want Daddy,
285
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:48,534
but he doesn't
come cheap.
286
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:51,400
Because, see, I'm gonna
have to retire
287
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,067
from the shoe business
to manage you.
288
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:56,567
Al...can't you sell shoes
and rob Kelly
289
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,434
at the same time?
290
00:14:58,434 --> 00:15:00,234
Shut up, Peg,
if you want to live here
291
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:01,567
with me and my baby.
292
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:07,200
Now...I'll take
40 percent of the gross.
293
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,901
What's "gross" mean?
294
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,534
She's some special little girl,
isn't she, Peg?
295
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:15,000
Oh, Daddy,
can I ask a favor?
296
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,501
Kelly, you don't even
have to ask.
297
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,968
Peg, take the boy and the dog
and get out of here.
298
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:31,167
No, Dad. I want to know
if I could get a Porsche?
299
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,367
They said I could
have one
300
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,968
if you would co-sign
the loan for me.
301
00:15:33,968 --> 00:15:35,934
Yeah, right. So I would
be responsible for it.
302
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,501
Forget it. You don't
need a Porsche.
303
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:38,968
Why, for the same
amount of money,
304
00:15:38,968 --> 00:15:41,200
you could have
my old Dodge.
305
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,100
Come on, Kelly.
Daddy's not the only
parent you've got.
306
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:45,400
Forget it, Peg.
307
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,300
You can have a percentage
of our son Buck.
308
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:48,434
Bud.
309
00:15:48,434 --> 00:15:51,300
Bud, Buck.
What's the difference?
310
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:53,601
Take them both.
Kelly's my baby.
311
00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:55,534
And if my baby
wants a Porsche,
312
00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:57,167
a Porsche
she shall have.
313
00:15:57,167 --> 00:15:58,901
Hey, Dad, can we stop
for ice cream?
314
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:00,534
We sure can,
if you're paying.
315
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,868
Veal again?
316
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:06,701
Kelly likes veal.
317
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:08,300
If Kelly wanted my head
on a platter,
318
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,934
would you do it
for her?
319
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:12,834
Honey, for a quarter mil
a year,
320
00:16:12,834 --> 00:16:15,968
I'd make Bundy-kabobs
out of you and your father.
321
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:36,167
Family babes.
322
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,634
How's it going?
323
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:40,701
Al, that suit must have
cost a fortune.
324
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:43,234
Hey, nothing's
too good for me.
325
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:47,133
Peg, I'm telling you,
I'm a changed man.
326
00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:50,133
You're looking at
a whole new Al Bundy.
327
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,701
Did you get Kelly's
contracts all finalized?
328
00:16:57,701 --> 00:17:00,434
Well, just a couple of
sticky points to iron out.
329
00:17:00,434 --> 00:17:02,133
Tomorrow I'm bringing out
the big guns.
330
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:06,767
Gonna get me one of them
high-class Sears lawyers.
331
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:08,734
Oh, I quit my job too.
332
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:12,334
Yeah, they begged me to stay,
but I laughed in their faces.
333
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:14,968
I told them, "Hey! If I need
an extra 5 bucks a week,
334
00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:17,033
I get it
from my little girl."
335
00:17:17,033 --> 00:17:19,100
Aw, gee, honey...
336
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,434
who would have thought
that big 30 seconds
337
00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:23,267
you spent 17 years ago
338
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:26,734
would pay off like this?
339
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,601
And you said
it wasn't any good.
340
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:29,734
Aw!
341
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,434
Well, I'm getting
all A's in school.
342
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:35,234
And my teacher said
if I keep it up,
343
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:37,534
I could make school
valedictorian.
344
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,567
Yeah.
That and 25 cents
345
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,300
will buy you
a bag of chips.
346
00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:43,901
Yup. Time to watch
our little meal ticket
347
00:17:43,901 --> 00:17:45,667
do the weather.
348
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,133
I'm nervous, Al.
349
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,734
Chill out, babe.
All she has to do
350
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,367
is read it off
the TelePrompTer.
351
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:52,400
ANNOUNCER:
And now,
our Action News Weather
352
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,901
with meteorologist
weather bunny Kelly Bundy.
353
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:57,467
Hello, everyone.
354
00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:00,634
Oh, hi, Daddy.
I like my car.
355
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:02,334
Oh...by the way.
356
00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:04,033
Jim here's too modest
to tell you,
357
00:18:04,033 --> 00:18:06,100
but...he won
the big office pool
358
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,300
on how many people died
in that train wreck in Peru.
359
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,267
Way to go, Jim.
360
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,801
Anyway, on to the weather.
361
00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:18,801
"There is a...
strom...coming to..."
362
00:18:18,801 --> 00:18:23,467
You know, that reading tutor
is really paying off.
363
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:27,367
"To...Chick ago."
364
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:29,868
NEWS ANCHOR:
Chicago!
365
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:34,834
Uh-oh. There's a strom
coming to us?
366
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:35,901
What's a strom?
367
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,334
NEWS ANCHOR:
Storm!
368
00:18:39,968 --> 00:18:42,100
Why don't they just
put some peanut butter
369
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:44,934
on her gums,
like they did with Mr. Ed?
370
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,801
"Winds are up to 30...
mphs."
371
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,601
NEWS ANCHOR:
That's miles per hour,
you idiot!
372
00:18:57,601 --> 00:18:59,801
Hey, I'm not
an idiot.
373
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:02,434
I happen to be
a meterlalologist.
374
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,501
Dork.
375
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:09,334
Anyway, "Strom clods
are forming--"
376
00:19:09,334 --> 00:19:10,501
NEWS ANCHOR:
Clouds!
377
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:13,300
Strom clouds--
Oh!
378
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,033
Never mind.
Somebody get her off.
379
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:16,534
I'm ripping up
her contract.
380
00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:18,400
She's gone.
381
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:27,400
All A's, huh?
382
00:19:31,901 --> 00:19:33,934
I know what
you're thinking, Al.
383
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:37,367
If only you'd let Kelly sign
her contract when she wanted to,
384
00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:39,300
we'd be rich.
385
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:40,834
Or are you thinking,
386
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:42,868
"You know, if I had
the brain of a goldfish,
387
00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:44,067
I could get
a better job"?
388
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,567
I guess I ought to
get my job back, huh?
389
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,033
Well, I don't know, Dad.
390
00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:51,100
You might be
a little rusty.
391
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,701
Are you sure
you can still do this?
392
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:55,234
[LAUGHING]
393
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:58,634
Ha-ha.
Ah, I love you guys.
394
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:01,534
What a disaster, huh?
395
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,400
Well, the real killer
was the Porsche.
396
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,434
Well, how bad could
the depreciation be?
397
00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:06,701
She only drove it
4 miles.
398
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:09,167
That can only be what,
about 8, 10,000 dollars?
399
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:12,200
[TELEPHONE
RINGS]
400
00:20:13,434 --> 00:20:15,000
Hello.
401
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,934
It's Kelly
on her car phone, Dad.
402
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,434
Kelly?
403
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:23,968
Yes, we still love you.
404
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:26,400
Yes, I'm glad
you like your car.
405
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,234
Of course you can
keep it after this.
406
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:30,234
She is an idiot.
407
00:20:31,667 --> 00:20:34,334
Kelly...be very,
very careful.
408
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,534
Drive very carefully.
409
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:38,200
Yes, we still love you.
410
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,734
Be very, very careful.
411
00:20:41,133 --> 00:20:43,334
Thank God, she's just
right down the street.
412
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,100
Ah, here she comes.
413
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,501
Easy, Kelly.
414
00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:51,567
Easy, Kelly. Ah.
415
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,567
Thank God.
She's in the garage.
416
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:55,767
You know, Peg, if anything
happened to that Porsche,
417
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:56,767
my life would be--
418
00:20:56,767 --> 00:20:59,133
[TIRES SCREECHING]
419
00:21:13,601 --> 00:21:15,634
[TELEPHONE
RINGS]
420
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,801
Hello?
421
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,367
It's Kelly
on her car phone, Dad.
422
00:21:24,434 --> 00:21:26,367
Tell her hi for me.
423
00:21:28,267 --> 00:21:29,934
So, what's up?
424
00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:33,734
Dad mad?
425
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:37,234
No. He's just a little...
concerned for your safety.
426
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,701
Come on in.
427
00:22:02,267 --> 00:22:05,534
[***]1
00:00:03,434 --> 00:00:05,901
[***]
2
00:01:15,634 --> 00:01:18,167
Okay, honey.
It's ready.
3
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,467
All right. What would you
like to start with?
4
00:01:23,502 --> 00:01:25,101
Something light.
5
00:01:25,136 --> 00:01:26,701
The gas bill.
6
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,817
Pen.
7
00:01:32,852 --> 00:01:34,334
Bromo.
8
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,634
Mortgage.
9
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:40,801
Pepto.
10
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,601
Department store.
11
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,767
Shotgun.
12
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,351
Al... can't you
go any faster?
13
00:01:56,386 --> 00:01:58,677
Let's pretend
we're upstairs.
14
00:01:58,712 --> 00:02:01,290
I know.
I'll yell, "Not yet. "
15
00:02:01,325 --> 00:02:03,833
That always seems
to speed you up.
16
00:02:03,868 --> 00:02:06,200
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg.
Am I bringing you down?
17
00:02:06,235 --> 00:02:08,034
Well, let me try
another attitude.
18
00:02:08,069 --> 00:02:09,868
* Oh, man, we're broke
Cha, cha, cha *
19
00:02:09,903 --> 00:02:11,702
* Everybody flat broke
Cha, cha, cha *
20
00:02:11,737 --> 00:02:13,501
* Living in the gutter
Cha, cha, cha *
21
00:02:13,536 --> 00:02:16,199
* Early grave
Cha, cha, cha *
22
00:02:16,234 --> 00:02:19,033
All right. Now,
everybody, shoot me!
23
00:02:25,167 --> 00:02:27,167
Kiss me
with a hammer.
24
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,034
What's the matter, honey?
25
00:02:30,069 --> 00:02:31,833
It's that school place.
26
00:02:31,868 --> 00:02:35,601
They want me to be a stupid
intern at some stupid station.
27
00:02:35,636 --> 00:02:37,132
Channel 83.
28
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,232
Nobody watches Channel 83.
29
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:43,701
Cosmic Dog is
a pretty darn good show.
30
00:02:43,736 --> 00:02:46,199
God, it's so unfair.
31
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,767
They gave all
the cool assignments
32
00:02:47,802 --> 00:02:50,167
to the kids
who were awake.
33
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:53,367
They're gonna
make me work nights.
34
00:02:53,402 --> 00:02:54,666
So now, come dawn,
35
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:56,384
when we're wondering
where you are,
36
00:02:56,419 --> 00:02:58,067
we'll just check
the TV station
37
00:02:58,102 --> 00:02:59,467
instead of the bushes.
38
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:04,133
Oh, go dance alone
in your underwear.
39
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:06,000
Al, the kids
are arguing again.
40
00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:07,265
Would you talk to them?
41
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:11,599
Talking to them won't
make them go away, Peg.
42
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:14,834
Besides, I have to concentrate
on this raise thing.
43
00:03:14,869 --> 00:03:16,899
It's time I got
my dignity back.
44
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:19,167
Come on, Bud, let's get
some Windex and a squeegee
45
00:03:19,202 --> 00:03:20,267
and hit the off-ramps.
46
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:25,200
Daddy needs to
buy a power tie.
47
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:27,998
Mom, what am I
gonna do?
48
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:29,701
If I don't do
this stupid intern thing,
49
00:03:29,736 --> 00:03:32,235
I won't graduate.
50
00:03:32,270 --> 00:03:34,699
Hm... graduation.
51
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:37,968
Kelly... maybe it's time
we had a little talk.
52
00:03:38,003 --> 00:03:39,466
You're getting
to be a big girl now,
53
00:03:39,501 --> 00:03:41,434
and there's something
I've been putting off
54
00:03:41,469 --> 00:03:43,032
telling you for a while.
55
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,766
But time is
slipping by quickly,
56
00:03:44,801 --> 00:03:48,400
and I don't want you to learn
about it on the street.
57
00:03:48,435 --> 00:03:51,801
Honey, ahem... there is
a thing out there
58
00:03:51,836 --> 00:03:54,418
that men will
want you to do.
59
00:03:54,453 --> 00:03:56,943
In fact, they'll
expect it.
60
00:03:56,978 --> 00:03:59,706
Now, no woman
really enjoys it,
61
00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:02,304
but we do it,
get them to marry us
62
00:04:02,339 --> 00:04:04,868
and then never
have to do it again.
63
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:10,567
That horrible thing
is called...
64
00:04:10,602 --> 00:04:13,032
work.
65
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,701
Hold me, Mom.
I'm scared.
66
00:04:14,736 --> 00:04:18,032
Aw, I know. I know.
67
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,834
But, honey, the important thing
is to do it early,
68
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:22,065
whileyou're still young.
69
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:26,150
That way... when your husband
comes home reeking of beer,
70
00:04:26,185 --> 00:04:30,200
wanting some loving, you'll
follow that fat rump upstairs.
71
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:35,000
Because you'll know...
that no matter how disgusting
72
00:04:35,035 --> 00:04:38,584
the next three
minutes will be...
73
00:04:38,619 --> 00:04:42,133
it still beats
the hell out of work.
74
00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:44,834
Thank you, Mom.
You're so wise.
75
00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:46,098
Ah, well.
76
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:48,634
You know, you can't sit
on a sofa 20 hours a day
77
00:04:48,669 --> 00:04:50,100
and not learn something.
78
00:04:55,968 --> 00:04:57,467
Okay, who ordered
the coffee?
79
00:04:57,502 --> 00:04:58,701
I did.
80
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:06,866
Who is that?
81
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,132
It's our new intern.
82
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:11,467
But what we need is a gimmick
to get the ratings up.
83
00:05:11,502 --> 00:05:14,767
Look. I made it cloudy
way up in the pointy states.
84
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:24,165
Come on, Al.
85
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,234
What is it
you're gonna tell us?
86
00:05:26,269 --> 00:05:27,734
Is it about
your raise?
87
00:05:27,769 --> 00:05:29,232
Ah, ah, ah, Peg.
88
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:31,868
Not till the whole
family's here.
89
00:05:31,903 --> 00:05:33,065
This news is so big,
90
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,734
I even want the girl
to hear it.
91
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:39,651
There we go.
92
00:05:39,686 --> 00:05:41,160
It's time.
93
00:05:41,195 --> 00:05:42,599
Family...
94
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,601
Mom, Dad, I just got a job
for $1000 a week.
95
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,551
Are you kidding me?
96
00:05:47,586 --> 00:05:49,432
I can't believe that.
97
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:50,734
Oh, we're rich! We're rich!
98
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,499
Oh, Mom.
99
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:56,767
Oh, Mom. She's
finally turning pro.
100
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:03,100
Oh, a successful
Bundy.
101
00:06:03,135 --> 00:06:04,833
Oh, Al...
102
00:06:04,868 --> 00:06:07,466
come and brownnose
with us.
103
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,567
Why should I?
You're already doing a good job.
104
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:12,866
I'm sorry, honey.
105
00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:14,801
You had
an announcement too.
106
00:06:14,836 --> 00:06:17,933
Did not.
107
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:19,517
Come on, Dad,
tell us.
108
00:06:19,552 --> 00:06:21,067
We're really
interested.
109
00:06:21,102 --> 00:06:23,833
Well, okay.
110
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:26,301
Well, today I made
my stand at work.
111
00:06:26,336 --> 00:06:28,734
I fought, I threw myself
on the ground,
112
00:06:28,769 --> 00:06:30,100
I screamed like a woman.
113
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,933
But I finally got
what I was after.
114
00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:36,701
Folks, you're looking at a man
with a $5 a week raise.
115
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,801
Gee, Kelly...
Kelly...
116
00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:49,967
Hurry up, Dad. She's
gonna be on in a minute.
117
00:06:50,002 --> 00:06:52,399
Well, I still think it's
a pretty unfair world
118
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,801
when someone who doesn't even
have a high school diploma
119
00:06:54,836 --> 00:06:57,218
makes more than
someone important,
120
00:06:57,253 --> 00:06:59,601
like a Ph. D.
or a... shoe salesman.
121
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,899
Oh, honey... you may
not make much money,
122
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:06,634
but Kelly will never have
the satisfaction of saying,
123
00:07:06,669 --> 00:07:10,467
"I used to play
a little high-school ball. "
124
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:14,165
You know, son, one day
you'll have a girl
125
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,501
just like the girl that's
killing dear old Dad.
126
00:07:18,536 --> 00:07:19,766
Shut up, Al.
127
00:07:19,801 --> 00:07:21,165
Oh, she's coming on.
128
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,717
ANNOUNCER:
And now the Action Weather,
129
00:07:23,752 --> 00:07:26,643
with meteorologist
Bill Palomino.
130
00:07:26,678 --> 00:07:29,499
And, yes, girls,
I'm still single.
131
00:07:29,534 --> 00:07:31,934
Now, let's have some fun.
Let's do weather.
132
00:07:31,969 --> 00:07:33,467
It's still sunny
here in Chicago,
133
00:07:33,502 --> 00:07:34,599
but up in Washington,
134
00:07:34,634 --> 00:07:36,067
they're expecting
more clouds.
135
00:07:36,102 --> 00:07:37,551
Right, weather bunny?
136
00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:39,000
Right-o,
Bill.
137
00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:48,767
Look, folks, it stays up there
all by itself.
138
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:52,868
And we have
tornado warnings for...
139
00:07:52,903 --> 00:07:54,332
Excuse me, Bill.
140
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,934
But I have a little
inside tip for our viewers.
141
00:07:56,969 --> 00:07:58,299
You see these
little clouds?
142
00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:00,200
Now, they won't stick
to just anything.
143
00:08:00,235 --> 00:08:01,801
Look.
144
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:07,434
Now, kids,
don't try this at home.
145
00:08:07,469 --> 00:08:09,367
Back to you, Bill.
146
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:15,766
Oh. Look at her, Al.
147
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:19,065
The product
of our love.
148
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,367
That's not surprising,
is it, Peg?
149
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,984
Oh, Al, I know you're
a little down,
150
00:08:25,019 --> 00:08:27,567
what with Kelly
making more in a day
151
00:08:27,602 --> 00:08:29,534
than you made
in the '80s.
152
00:08:30,868 --> 00:08:32,599
But, as far
as I'm concerned,
153
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,284
you're still the man
in the house.
154
00:08:34,319 --> 00:08:35,934
Thanks, Peg.
What's for dinner?
155
00:08:35,969 --> 00:08:36,899
Veal.
156
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,232
I hate veal.
157
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,801
Oh, I know,
but Kelly wanted it.
158
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:44,632
And so,
as you can all see,
159
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:47,300
Kelly Bundy overcame
blinding poverty
160
00:08:47,335 --> 00:08:49,599
to become the star
she is today.
161
00:08:49,634 --> 00:08:51,766
And remember... later,
there will be a chance
162
00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:54,367
for all of you to purchase
some of her bath water.
163
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,499
So now,
if you'll just wave
164
00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:59,601
to Kelly's mother
on the way out...
165
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:02,432
We'll conclude
the tour
166
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,200
with the car that Kelly
was conceived in
167
00:09:04,235 --> 00:09:05,934
and the garage
where she was born.
168
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:13,934
Oh, Al... isn't
this exciting?
169
00:09:13,969 --> 00:09:16,084
He didn't even
introduce me, Peg.
170
00:09:16,119 --> 00:09:18,165
Well, you know,
we discussed it,
171
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,067
but the legend seemed
to work better with you dead.
172
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,833
Oh. Oh.
173
00:09:23,868 --> 00:09:26,833
Oh, God. What a day.
174
00:09:26,868 --> 00:09:28,868
Clouds just
would not stick.
175
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,466
I'm bleeding for you.
176
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,151
Pass me a bread stick,
dear.
177
00:09:35,186 --> 00:09:37,766
Al... she reaches
for a living.
178
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:40,065
She should relax
when she's at home.
179
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,400
Excuse your father, honey.
He's an idiot.
180
00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:47,834
Peggy... tell Bud I don't have
to pay to get in here.
181
00:09:47,869 --> 00:09:49,065
That's
right, Bud.
182
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,267
I sold her
a lifetime pass yesterday.
183
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:56,634
Kelly, I've got
to ask you a question.
184
00:09:56,669 --> 00:09:58,199
I am sorry,
but I am not allowed
185
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:01,801
to reveal tomorrow's weather
until tomorrow.
186
00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:04,051
To hell with the weather.
187
00:10:04,086 --> 00:10:05,943
Give me the poop on Palomino.
188
00:10:05,978 --> 00:10:07,766
Boy, there's one warm front
189
00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:09,934
I wouldn't mind settling
over me for a few days.
190
00:10:12,734 --> 00:10:14,701
Well, actually,
he's not the nice man
191
00:10:14,736 --> 00:10:15,766
that he appears to be.
192
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:17,434
I mean, just today
after the weather,
193
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:19,699
when I, like America,
194
00:10:19,734 --> 00:10:23,534
wondered aloud
where East Dakota was...
195
00:10:23,569 --> 00:10:25,199
he went
to the station manager
196
00:10:25,234 --> 00:10:27,501
and said,
"Either the bimbo goes or I go. "
197
00:10:27,536 --> 00:10:29,232
Well, it looks
like things
198
00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:31,367
will start to get back
to normal around here now.
199
00:10:31,402 --> 00:10:33,334
So I guess the next tour
comes through here,
200
00:10:33,369 --> 00:10:35,767
you'll be selling
my bath water.
201
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,098
Yeah, right, Al.
202
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,501
Like I really kept it
for five years.
203
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:46,717
I'm sorry you lost
your job, Kelly.
204
00:10:46,752 --> 00:10:49,100
My job? They canned him
like a tuna.
205
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,632
I mean... after all,
206
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:56,784
I am the one
in the short skirt.
207
00:10:56,819 --> 00:11:00,076
And you always
will be, honey.
208
00:11:00,111 --> 00:11:03,299
Oh, your first job.
How exciting.
209
00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:05,434
Working during
your high school years.
210
00:11:05,469 --> 00:11:06,933
That's what I did.
211
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:09,684
While everyone else
was out having fun.
212
00:11:09,719 --> 00:11:12,400
But I was saving
for a college education.
213
00:11:12,435 --> 00:11:15,084
And that's
what it went for.
214
00:11:15,119 --> 00:11:17,699
My sister's
college education.
215
00:11:17,734 --> 00:11:20,100
Ah! And, of course,
Mother wouldn't dream
216
00:11:20,135 --> 00:11:21,299
of asking her to work.
217
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:24,801
No. Because sis was too
pretty and too delicate
218
00:11:24,836 --> 00:11:27,200
to be hauling around
slabs of meat.
219
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:30,750
Now she's a physicist,
220
00:11:30,785 --> 00:11:32,199
and I can stuff
a sausage
221
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,968
with one hand
tied behind my back.
222
00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:36,332
So everything
worked out.
223
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:39,467
I guess what
I'm trying to say is...
224
00:11:39,502 --> 00:11:42,567
what happened
to my life? My youth?
225
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,000
Peg, do you mind,
here?
226
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:49,399
All I want is
my fair share.
227
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:53,234
To go to the prom.
To work on a float.
228
00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:55,032
To have a date
with a boy
229
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:57,200
instead of a pork shoulder
I'd call Vinnie.
230
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:01,000
Peggy, do I deserve
to be treated like this?
231
00:12:01,035 --> 00:12:02,400
I mean...
232
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,534
[MOUTHS WORDS]
233
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:10,434
God. She needs a date
worse than I do.
234
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,400
Mom, she really
depressed me.
235
00:12:14,435 --> 00:12:16,766
Oh, honey,
it's all right.
236
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:19,784
I know what would
make you feel better.
237
00:12:19,819 --> 00:12:22,767
Al, tell us again
about your raise.
238
00:12:22,802 --> 00:12:24,100
[LAUGHING]
239
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,701
How much was it?
240
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:32,900
Oh, you're
the greatest, Mom.
241
00:12:32,935 --> 00:12:35,684
But I really do
need some advice.
242
00:12:35,719 --> 00:12:38,434
Mom, I'm on the horns
of an enema.
243
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:44,599
See... in order to be
the weather girl,
244
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:46,634
I'd have to work full-time,
and that would mean
245
00:12:46,669 --> 00:12:48,000
I'd have to quit school.
246
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:51,165
Oh. Gee, Kelly.
247
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,666
Quitting school's
a big step.
248
00:12:53,701 --> 00:12:57,133
I mean, that's where
we get our pens and pencils.
249
00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:01,734
And our little
cartons of milk.
250
00:13:01,769 --> 00:13:03,065
Al, talk to her.
251
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:06,300
What's left to say,
Mama Walton?
252
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:10,367
Come here, young lady.
253
00:13:12,701 --> 00:13:17,634
Now, Kelly... you've got
to stay in school.
254
00:13:17,669 --> 00:13:19,567
It's important
for your future.
255
00:13:19,602 --> 00:13:21,432
Now, look at me.
256
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,334
If I didn't have
a high school diploma,
257
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:24,901
I'd just be a...
258
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,184
Well, maybe I'm not
a good example,
259
00:13:31,219 --> 00:13:33,499
but... it does help
other people.
260
00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:37,367
You know, lawyers,
doctors, astronauts...
261
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:41,601
Everybody except me.
262
00:13:41,636 --> 00:13:42,566
Daddy?
263
00:13:42,601 --> 00:13:44,667
Give Daddy
a second here.
264
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:54,417
What happened to me?
265
00:13:54,452 --> 00:13:57,033
I'm not a stupid man.
266
00:13:57,068 --> 00:13:58,232
Oh, well.
267
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:00,217
It's important
to stay in school.
268
00:14:00,252 --> 00:14:02,132
You can command
a much bigger salary
269
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:04,332
with a high school diploma
than without it.
270
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:07,267
How much they gonna pay you
to be this... weather girl?
271
00:14:07,302 --> 00:14:11,400
Well... the contract
is for three years at, um...
272
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,701
$250,000 a year.
273
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:21,432
All right. High school
is for dummies.
274
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,601
Now, I wanted to pull you out
of the seventh grade,
275
00:14:23,636 --> 00:14:24,968
but your mother
and that county
276
00:14:25,003 --> 00:14:26,365
wouldn't let me.
277
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,499
What about
the astronauts, Al?
278
00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:32,434
You name one that's doing
better than my little girl here.
279
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:36,601
Now, pumpkin, you're
going to need a manager.
280
00:14:36,636 --> 00:14:37,965
Should be somebody
close to you,
281
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,634
maybe a family member,
someone you can trust.
282
00:14:40,669 --> 00:14:42,100
Well, I trust you,
Daddy.
283
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,334
And I love you,
pumpkin.
284
00:14:45,369 --> 00:14:46,951
Now, I know
you want Daddy,
285
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,534
but he doesn't
come cheap.
286
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:51,384
Because, see, I'm gonna
have to retire
287
00:14:51,419 --> 00:14:53,993
from the shoe business
to manage you.
288
00:14:54,028 --> 00:14:56,567
Al... can't you sell shoes
and rob Kelly
289
00:14:56,602 --> 00:14:58,399
at the same time?
290
00:14:58,434 --> 00:15:00,234
Shut up, Peg,
if you want to live here
291
00:15:00,269 --> 00:15:01,567
with me and my baby.
292
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:07,200
Now... I'll take
40 percent of the gross.
293
00:15:07,235 --> 00:15:08,901
What's "gross" mean?
294
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,534
She's some special little girl,
isn't she, Peg?
295
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:14,965
Oh, Daddy,
can I ask a favor?
296
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,466
Kelly, you don't even
have to ask.
297
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,968
Peg, take the boy and the dog
and get out of here.
298
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:31,167
No, Dad. I want to know
if I could get a Porsche?
299
00:15:31,202 --> 00:15:32,332
They said I could
have one
300
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,933
if you would co-sign
the loan for me.
301
00:15:33,968 --> 00:15:35,934
Yeah, right. So I would
be responsible for it.
302
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,468
Forget it. You don't
need a Porsche.
303
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,968
Why, for the same
amount of money,
304
00:15:39,003 --> 00:15:41,165
you could have
my old Dodge.
305
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,100
Come on, Kelly. Daddy's not
the only parent you've got.
306
00:15:44,135 --> 00:15:45,365
Forget it, Peg.
307
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,300
You can have a percentage
of our son Buck.
308
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:48,399
Bud.
309
00:15:48,434 --> 00:15:51,017
Bud, Buck.
What's the difference?
310
00:15:51,052 --> 00:15:53,293
Take them both.
Kelly's my baby.
311
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:55,534
And if my baby
wants a Porsche,
312
00:15:55,569 --> 00:15:57,132
a Porsche
she shall have.
313
00:15:57,167 --> 00:15:58,901
Hey, Dad, can we stop
for ice cream?
314
00:15:58,936 --> 00:16:00,534
We sure can,
if you're paying.
315
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,833
Veal again?
316
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:06,666
Kelly likes veal.
317
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:08,300
If Kelly wanted my head
on a platter,
318
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,899
would you do it
for her?
319
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:12,799
Honey, for a quarter mil
a year,
320
00:16:12,834 --> 00:16:15,968
I'd make Bundy-kabobs
out of you and your father.
321
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:35,784
Family babes.
322
00:16:35,819 --> 00:16:37,599
How's it going?
323
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:40,701
Al, that suit must have
cost a fortune.
324
00:16:40,736 --> 00:16:43,234
Hey, nothing's
too good for me.
325
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:47,450
Peg, I'm telling you,
I'm a changed man.
326
00:16:47,485 --> 00:16:50,133
You're looking at
a whole new Al Bundy.
327
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,666
Did you get Kelly's
contracts all finalized?
328
00:16:57,701 --> 00:17:00,434
Well, just a couple of
sticky points to iron out.
329
00:17:00,469 --> 00:17:02,098
Tomorrow I'm bringing out
the big guns.
330
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:06,767
Gonna get me one of them
high-class Sears lawyers.
331
00:17:06,802 --> 00:17:08,699
Oh, I quit my job too.
332
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:12,334
Yeah, they begged me to stay,
but I laughed in their faces.
333
00:17:12,369 --> 00:17:14,968
I told them, "Hey! If I need
an extra 5 bucks a week,
334
00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:17,033
I get it
from my little girl. "
335
00:17:17,068 --> 00:17:19,065
Aw, gee, honey...
336
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,434
who would have thought
that big 30 seconds
337
00:17:21,469 --> 00:17:24,101
you spent 17 years ago
338
00:17:24,136 --> 00:17:26,699
would pay off like this?
339
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,601
And you said
it wasn't any good.
340
00:17:28,636 --> 00:17:29,734
Aw!
341
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,517
Well, I'm getting
all A's in school.
342
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,543
And my teacher said
if I keep it up,
343
00:17:35,578 --> 00:17:37,534
I could make school
valedictorian.
344
00:17:37,569 --> 00:17:38,532
Yeah.
That and 25 cents
345
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,300
will buy you
a bag of chips.
346
00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:43,901
Yup. Time to watch
our little meal ticket
347
00:17:43,936 --> 00:17:45,534
do the weather.
348
00:17:45,569 --> 00:17:47,098
I'm nervous, Al.
349
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,750
Chill out, babe.
All she has to do
350
00:17:48,785 --> 00:17:50,332
is read it off
the TelePrompTer.
351
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:53,134
ANNOUNCER: And now,
our Action News Weather
352
00:17:53,169 --> 00:17:55,901
with meteorologist
weather bunny Kelly Bundy.
353
00:17:55,936 --> 00:17:57,432
Hello, everyone.
354
00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:00,634
Oh, hi, Daddy.
I like my car.
355
00:18:00,669 --> 00:18:02,299
Oh... by the way.
356
00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:04,217
Jim here's too modest
to tell you,
357
00:18:04,252 --> 00:18:06,065
but... he won
the big office pool
358
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,300
on how many people died
in that train wreck in Peru.
359
00:18:08,335 --> 00:18:10,232
Way to go, Jim.
360
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,801
Anyway, on to the weather.
361
00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:18,567
"There is a...
strom... coming to... "
362
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:23,467
You know, that reading tutor
is really paying off.
363
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:27,367
"To... Chick ago. "
364
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:29,868
NEWS ANCHOR:
Chicago!
365
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:34,834
Uh-oh. There's a strom
coming to us?
366
00:18:34,869 --> 00:18:35,866
What's a strom?
367
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,334
NEWS ANCHOR:
Storm!
368
00:18:39,968 --> 00:18:42,451
Why don't they just
put some peanut butter
369
00:18:42,486 --> 00:18:44,934
on her gums,
like they did with Mr. Ed?
370
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,801
"Winds are up to 30...
mphs. "
371
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,601
NEWS ANCHOR: That's miles
per hour, you idiot!
372
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,766
Hey, I'm not
an idiot.
373
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:02,434
I happen to be
a meterlalologist.
374
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,501
Dork.
375
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:09,334
Anyway, "Strom clods
are forming... "
376
00:19:09,369 --> 00:19:10,466
NEWS ANCHOR:
Clouds!
377
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:13,265
Strom clouds...
Oh!
378
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,033
Never mind.
Somebody get her off.
379
00:19:15,068 --> 00:19:16,534
I'm ripping up
her contract.
380
00:19:16,569 --> 00:19:18,400
She's gone.
381
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:27,400
All A's, huh?
382
00:19:31,901 --> 00:19:33,899
I know what
you're thinking, Al.
383
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:37,367
If only you'd let Kelly sign
her contract when she wanted to,
384
00:19:37,402 --> 00:19:39,265
we'd be rich.
385
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:40,799
Or are you thinking,
386
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:42,868
"You know, if I had
the brain of a goldfish,
387
00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:44,067
I could get
a better job"?
388
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,567
I guess I ought to
get my job back, huh?
389
00:19:47,602 --> 00:19:48,998
Well, I don't know, Dad.
390
00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:51,065
You might be
a little rusty.
391
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,701
Are you sure
you can still do this?
392
00:19:53,736 --> 00:19:55,234
[LAUGHING]
393
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:58,634
Ha-ha.
Ah, I love you guys.
394
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:01,499
What a disaster, huh?
395
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,484
Well, the real killer
was the Porsche.
396
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:05,434
Well, how bad could
the depreciation be?
397
00:20:05,469 --> 00:20:06,666
She only drove it
4 miles.
398
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:09,167
That can only be what,
about 8, 10,000 dollars?
399
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:12,200
[TELEPHONE
RINGS]
400
00:20:13,434 --> 00:20:14,965
Hello.
401
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,934
It's Kelly
on her car phone, Dad.
402
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,399
Kelly?
403
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:23,933
Yes, we still love you.
404
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:26,365
Yes, I'm glad
you like your car.
405
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,234
Of course you can
keep it after this.
406
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,234
She is an idiot.
407
00:20:31,667 --> 00:20:34,334
Kelly... be very,
very careful.
408
00:20:34,369 --> 00:20:36,284
Drive very carefully.
409
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:38,026
Yes, we still love you.
410
00:20:38,061 --> 00:20:39,734
Be very, very careful.
411
00:20:41,133 --> 00:20:43,334
Thank God, she's just
right down the street.
412
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,100
Ah, here she comes.
413
00:20:47,135 --> 00:20:49,351
Easy, Kelly.
414
00:20:49,386 --> 00:20:51,532
Easy, Kelly. Ah.
415
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,532
Thank God.
She's in the garage.
416
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:55,767
You know, Peg, if anything
happened to that Porsche,
417
00:20:55,802 --> 00:20:57,467
my life would be...
418
00:20:57,502 --> 00:20:59,133
[TIRES SCREECHING]
419
00:21:13,601 --> 00:21:15,634
[TELEPHONE
RINGS]
420
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,766
Hello?
421
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,367
It's Kelly
on her car phone, Dad.
422
00:21:24,434 --> 00:21:26,367
Tell her hi for me.
423
00:21:28,267 --> 00:21:29,934
So, what's up?
424
00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:33,699
Dad mad?
425
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:37,234
No. He's just a little...
concerned for your safety.
426
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,701
Come on in.
427
00:22:02,267 --> 00:22:05,534
[***]1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,667
[***]
2
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,934
Feet...
3
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:20,601
Feet!
4
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:24,167
No more feet!
5
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:33,067
Help me, please.
6
00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,701
No more feet!
7
00:01:34,701 --> 00:01:36,200
No more feet!
8
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,801
Help me!
9
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:39,200
Help!
10
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,701
Help!
11
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:43,234
[SCREAMING]
12
00:01:43,234 --> 00:01:45,167
Feet!
13
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:46,701
Feet!
14
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:48,934
Al, honey, wake up.
15
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,567
You're having a dream.
16
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:52,634
Oh, Peg. Thank God.
17
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,534
For the first time
since the first time,
18
00:01:55,534 --> 00:02:00,734
I'm glad to see you
in bed.
19
00:02:00,734 --> 00:02:02,200
It was horrible, Peg.
20
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,934
There were feet
everywhere.
21
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:06,200
Oh, poor baby.
22
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,133
Let me get you
a glass of water.
23
00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:14,334
[THEME FROM PSYCHO PLAYS]
24
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:17,334
[SCREAMING]
25
00:02:17,334 --> 00:02:19,067
Feet!
26
00:02:22,801 --> 00:02:24,334
Al, are you having
27
00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:26,501
that stupid
foot dream again?
28
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,601
Go for it, baby.
29
00:02:32,601 --> 00:02:33,868
Go for it.
30
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:37,200
Just touch anything!
31
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,434
Come on, Peg,
32
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:40,968
haven't we had
enough sex in our lives?
33
00:02:40,968 --> 00:02:42,834
When does it
get to be over?
34
00:02:42,834 --> 00:02:44,634
When you're
officially dead.
35
00:02:44,634 --> 00:02:46,567
Now, get on!
36
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:56,434
Aren't my sleeping
nightmares enough?
37
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:57,734
I haven't had
a bit of sleep
38
00:02:57,734 --> 00:02:59,300
in two weeks.
39
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,901
There's feet.
Feet everywhere.
40
00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:02,267
I'm not going
to work tomorrow.
41
00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:04,267
There'll be feet there.
42
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,133
You are such a baby.
43
00:03:06,133 --> 00:03:07,901
You know, I have to
stare up your nostrils
44
00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:09,367
all night long.
45
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:10,667
You don't see me
waking up
46
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:14,267
screaming, "Hair! Hair!"
47
00:03:15,968 --> 00:03:17,501
You know,
if the toilet
48
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,334
was just a little bit
bigger...
49
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,634
ba-woosh.
50
00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:25,234
I've got to
calm myself down.
51
00:03:25,234 --> 00:03:27,467
I'm gonna get
a glass of water.
52
00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:28,801
You can't do that, Al.
53
00:03:28,801 --> 00:03:30,267
You'll disturb Marcy.
54
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:33,133
Why are you letting
her stay here?
55
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,767
Because she's lonely,
she's our best friend
56
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:39,100
and she's giving us
25 bucks a week.
57
00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:42,267
I thought you said 10.
58
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:43,834
Well, I meant
59
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:47,033
I wish she was giving us
25 bucks a week.
60
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:49,367
You know,
so you could have some.
61
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:50,701
That's just great.
62
00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:52,000
I can't sleep,
63
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,767
and I can't go downstairs
in my own house.
64
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,400
What am I supposed to do?
65
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,968
Well, we could play
66
00:03:57,968 --> 00:04:03,234
"bring the Big Bad Wolf
over to this little Peggy."
67
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:06,567
You know, you'll huff,
and I'll puff, and, uh...
68
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:11,501
well, that'll be
about it.
69
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,133
I don't wanna!
70
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:16,067
Oh, save your whining
till it's over.
71
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,734
MAN [ON TV]:
It's your very essence I adore.
72
00:04:20,734 --> 00:04:22,868
Your beauty
overwhelms me.
73
00:04:22,868 --> 00:04:25,200
WOMAN:
Ah, Charles, take me.
74
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,601
Now.
75
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:28,634
Yes, Charles, take her.
76
00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:32,968
And when you're done, take me.
77
00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:35,767
[ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
78
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:38,367
[SIGHS]
79
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:41,133
[TURNS TV OFF]
80
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:44,033
I wonder what it feels like
to be in someone's arms again.
81
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:47,033
AL:
Please, Peg,
you're killing me!
82
00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:57,868
[WHISPERING]
Hey, Kelly,
83
00:04:57,868 --> 00:04:59,367
are you sure
this is okay?
84
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,567
'Cause last time,
your dad swung me
around the room
85
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:03,167
by my earring.
86
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:05,968
That's just 'cause
you touched his remote control.
87
00:05:05,968 --> 00:05:07,133
Don't worry.
88
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:23,033
[BOTH YELL]
89
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:26,000
Kelly, help!
90
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,601
An old chick's got me!
91
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,601
You pig!
92
00:05:31,601 --> 00:05:32,934
Ow!
93
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,934
I'm outta here.
94
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:38,133
I get enough of this at home
from my mom's friends.
95
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,067
Well, thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
96
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:46,133
That was the third guy this week
that I was truly in love with
97
00:05:46,133 --> 00:05:48,300
that you messed up for me.
98
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:50,667
Kelly...
99
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:51,834
sit down.
100
00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:54,434
See, I have this--
101
00:05:54,434 --> 00:05:55,467
Well, this problem.
102
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,133
I mean, it's really
very complicated.
103
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:58,434
You're a child.
104
00:05:58,434 --> 00:06:01,000
I probably shouldn't even be
discussing it with you.
105
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,467
I doubt you'd even
understand.
106
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,501
Horny as a toad, huh?
107
00:06:04,501 --> 00:06:06,567
Bingo.
108
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,234
Look, Kelly,
109
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:11,901
you're attractive,
in a cheap, tawdry sort of way.
110
00:06:11,901 --> 00:06:14,467
What do I have to do
to attract a man?
111
00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:17,801
Well, the magazines say
to try a new look.
112
00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:21,300
You know, a new hairdo,
new lipstick.
113
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,567
Pry that jug
out of your mouth.
114
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:27,767
Well, and then there's
this business
115
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,601
with your wedding ring.
116
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:31,400
I mean, a pretty woman
can get away with it,
117
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,534
but...
118
00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:36,000
I think I understand.
119
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:40,367
But I don't know.
120
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,734
It's just so hard for me
to take it off.
121
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:44,667
It's like admitting
to myself
122
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:46,667
that my marriage
is really over.
123
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,434
Which it obviously is...
124
00:06:48,434 --> 00:06:50,801
and has been
since wiener-neck
125
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:54,133
left in the night
like a balding thief.
126
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:55,801
I should take it off,
but I just can't.
127
00:06:55,801 --> 00:06:58,133
It's too sacred to me.
128
00:06:58,133 --> 00:06:59,501
Fine.
129
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:02,100
Then we'll just
get you a cat pole.
130
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,367
It's off.
131
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,667
There.
132
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,100
I've done it.
133
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,167
Now I am truly free.
134
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,300
Why did it take me
so long to realize
135
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,400
when a simpleton like you
knew what I had to do?
136
00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:18,400
I feel great.
137
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,934
I feel renewed.
138
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:22,067
I'm ready to fly.
139
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,501
Oh, yep.
From this point on,
140
00:07:25,501 --> 00:07:30,968
Marcy Rhoades
soars like an eagle.
141
00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:32,234
"Simpleton"?
142
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,467
I know that means
something bad.
143
00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:40,701
Bud, what's a simpleton?
144
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:43,367
An idiot, a moron,
145
00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:45,200
dolt, dullard, cretin.
146
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,667
You know, someone
a little smarter than you.
147
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:51,901
Hey.
148
00:07:51,901 --> 00:07:54,467
Aw, look at Mrs. Rhoades.
149
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:55,901
Isn't she cute?
150
00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:57,567
Peaceful as a baby.
151
00:07:57,567 --> 00:08:01,167
I want her so bad.
152
00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:06,334
Well, maybe
I can help you out.
153
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:08,534
Bud, I'm gonna let you in
on some secret woman stuff
154
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:10,200
that no other man knows.
155
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,501
Oh, man!
156
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:12,934
Now, shh.
157
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,767
If anybody knows
that I told you this,
158
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:18,100
the sisterhood would strip me
of my PMS privileges.
159
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:26,634
Now, you see, Bud,
when a woman sleeps,
160
00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:28,567
her hormones accumulate,
161
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:31,000
which means
that when she wakes up,
162
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,100
she falls in love
163
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,901
with the first man
that she sees.
164
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:37,567
Now, if she stands up
and she hasn't seen anyone,
165
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:39,734
her hormones
will fall to her feet
166
00:08:39,734 --> 00:08:41,367
and they will go
down the drain
167
00:08:41,367 --> 00:08:43,634
when she showers.
168
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,334
Of course.
169
00:08:48,334 --> 00:08:50,234
I've noticed that when
they're standing up,
170
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:53,067
no girls like me.
171
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:55,167
But we won't give
Mrs. Rhoades the chance.
172
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,701
Now, if I were you,
173
00:08:56,701 --> 00:08:58,534
I would sleep here tonight
on the couch.
174
00:08:58,534 --> 00:09:02,267
That way, you're
the first thing she sees
175
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,701
and the only thing
she wants.
176
00:09:04,701 --> 00:09:07,067
Yowza!
177
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,834
What should I wear?
178
00:09:08,834 --> 00:09:10,067
Your love clothes.
179
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:13,434
You know,
your cowboy jammies.
180
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:23,367
Your hormones.
181
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,067
My jammies.
182
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:28,267
You don't stand
a chance.
183
00:09:36,634 --> 00:09:38,434
AL:
Feet!
184
00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:40,601
Feet!
185
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:42,400
No more feet!
186
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,501
Oh...
187
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,267
Mrs. Rhoades!
188
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,267
Oh, great.
189
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:09,000
Cherry-flavored Zit-Away.
190
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,033
Now we'll see
who the simpleton is.
191
00:10:46,033 --> 00:10:47,200
Heh heh.
192
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:04,400
[ALARM BUZZES]
193
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,334
Oh, no.
194
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:42,567
Good morning, beloved.
195
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:44,334
Oh, no!
196
00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:52,501
Oh, no. I couldn't have.
197
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,968
How was it?
198
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:58,300
I was great.
199
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:00,968
She wa--
200
00:12:00,968 --> 00:12:03,667
Kel, I can't
remember a thing.
201
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:04,734
Oh, wow.
202
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:05,901
You know, they say
203
00:12:05,901 --> 00:12:07,434
if a man can't
remember anything,
204
00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:09,100
it's the best
it'll ever be.
205
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,934
That's exactly
what it was like!
206
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:17,033
There must be
some sort of mistake.
207
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:18,100
[YAWNS]
208
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,067
Good morning.
209
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:23,200
My...you're up early.
210
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,634
What's going on?
211
00:12:24,634 --> 00:12:26,000
Nothing. Nothing.
212
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:28,834
I'm late for home.
213
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:30,000
But nothing happened.
214
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,467
Nothing happened.
215
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:34,300
[SHRIEKING]
216
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,033
What's with her?
217
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:45,000
Too much
of a good thing.
218
00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:50,167
Morning, son.
219
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:51,601
Morning, Al.
220
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,968
AL [THINKING]:
But, Mom,
221
00:13:02,968 --> 00:13:05,767
I don't wanna work
in a shoe store.
222
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,400
AL'S MOM:
Don't worry, Al.
223
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,701
Just think of it
as a stepping stone.
224
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:14,467
Someday you'll be
the president
of your own corporation.
225
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:16,701
Thanks, Mom.
226
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:19,834
You want
your Bloody Mary now?
227
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,634
Yes, dear.
228
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,934
And rub my feet.
229
00:13:29,667 --> 00:13:31,300
Excuse me.
230
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,000
Are you alive?
231
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:44,934
No, I've...died
and gone to Switzerland.
232
00:13:47,501 --> 00:13:49,367
I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.
233
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:50,534
No need to ask.
234
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:52,667
The cash register's
right over there.
235
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,000
The car's in the parking lot.
236
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,367
Just step on me
on your way out.
237
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:59,667
I would,
but I'm here on business.
238
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:01,033
I was wondering,
239
00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:02,667
we need a place
to hold our pageant.
240
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:06,234
We'd like to use your store.
241
00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:08,000
You can be a judge if you want.
242
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,400
Will, uh...
243
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,167
Will you be a contestant?
244
00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:14,501
Oh, no.
245
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,767
I couldn't possibly compete
with these women.
246
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,667
Will you do it? Please?
247
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:25,801
[WEAKLY] Excuse me.
248
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:32,701
Yes!
249
00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:33,968
Thank you!
250
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:35,267
Out of the emptiness,
251
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,067
the void
that is my life,
252
00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:39,100
I now can see
the light!
253
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:42,701
I...am...alive!
254
00:14:50,634 --> 00:14:53,300
I'll be there
with boobs on.
255
00:14:55,334 --> 00:14:57,167
Bells.
256
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,767
Hey, you okay?
257
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,467
You seem
awfully nervous.
258
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:08,667
Me, nervous?
259
00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:10,467
Don't be silly.
I'm fine.
260
00:15:13,901 --> 00:15:15,734
Listen, Peggy,
261
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:17,367
I've got to ask you
something.
262
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:19,167
Have you ever done anything
263
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:21,601
that you didn't remember
the next day?
264
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:23,901
Well...
265
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:27,267
having the kids.
266
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:28,767
I mean, have you
ever done anything
267
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:31,400
that you really regretted?
268
00:15:32,968 --> 00:15:34,901
Having the kids.
269
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,667
Mother.
270
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,334
Mama.
271
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,200
Ahh!
272
00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:21,300
Gee, what's with him?
273
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,567
I know.
274
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,367
I bet he has
a little girlfriend.
275
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:38,901
Peg.
276
00:16:38,901 --> 00:16:40,901
Peg leg.
277
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,200
Ahh!
278
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:51,133
Gee, you're
in a good mood.
279
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:52,534
What's wrong?
280
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:53,834
What could be wrong?
281
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,834
The sun is shining.
The birds are singing.
282
00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:58,701
I'm a shoe salesman.
283
00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:00,467
I'm gonna go take a shower.
284
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:02,467
A shower?
285
00:17:02,467 --> 00:17:06,334
In the middle
of the week?
286
00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:07,834
Now I know
something's wrong.
287
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:12,567
Al, you don't even know
where the soap is!
288
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,701
Well, babe...
289
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,567
you look good.
290
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:19,334
I obviously agree with you.
291
00:17:19,334 --> 00:17:22,367
Look, let's clear the air.
292
00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:24,067
Nothing happened.
293
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:26,567
I am absolutely, positively sure
294
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:28,367
nothing happened...
295
00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:30,801
but if it did,
even though it didn't,
296
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:32,901
I don't want any rumors
getting around.
297
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:34,167
A gentleman never tells.
298
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,467
[DOOR OPENS]
299
00:17:35,467 --> 00:17:39,567
Hey, Bud, is this the one?
300
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:42,167
Yup.
301
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:45,300
Say "young stuff."
302
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,534
[CAMERA CLICKS]
303
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:48,534
Way to go, Bud.
304
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:49,901
Yeah. All right.
305
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:51,901
She's old.
306
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,000
You told your friends?
307
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,968
Like you haven't.
308
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,100
Look, babe...
309
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:04,667
I know what you're
feeling for me, but, uh...
310
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,767
I think it might be
healthier for the both of us
311
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,100
to continue
seeing other people.
312
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:11,467
I just hope I haven't
ruined you
313
00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:14,167
for all other men.
314
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:16,033
Oh, very nice.
315
00:18:16,033 --> 00:18:18,667
We have something special,
and now you just toss me asi--
316
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,701
Wait a second!
317
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,200
What am I talking about?
318
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,968
Nothing happened between us.
319
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:27,601
Nothing could happen
between us.
320
00:18:27,601 --> 00:18:30,067
Nothing ever will
happen between us.
321
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,400
So that's it, huh?
322
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,501
Slam, bam,
thank you, Bud?
323
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:38,767
You used me.
324
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:40,267
I used you?
325
00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:42,901
You're the one who said
we should see other people.
326
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:49,767
I didn't mean
to hurt you, babe.
327
00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:51,100
But sometimes
328
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,601
the best way to hold
on to something
329
00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:53,634
is to let it go.
330
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,167
Oh, bull.
331
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,267
You're just like
all the rest.
332
00:18:57,267 --> 00:19:00,234
It's the age thing,
isn't it?
333
00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:06,501
Look, uh,
let's not fight.
334
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:08,000
It cheapens the memory...
335
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,534
even though I don't
remember anything.
336
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:14,968
But we'll always have
whatever happened.
337
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:17,601
Which was nothing.
338
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:20,167
Whatever gets you
through the night.
339
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,100
Friends?
340
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:24,100
Friends.
341
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,667
Now, would it be
all right
342
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,300
if a friend
bought another friend
343
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,033
an ice cream cone?
344
00:19:30,033 --> 00:19:33,968
Sure. Why not?
345
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:39,367
Oh, uh, by the way...
you are on the pill?
346
00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:44,968
Oh, my God!
347
00:19:57,234 --> 00:20:00,234
Yeah, and I'm the simpleton.
348
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:04,834
Tricking them
was as easy as one, two, "C."
349
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:13,300
Al, taking a shower
350
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,300
is more than
spraying your shirt
351
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:17,400
with deodorant.
352
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,934
I wanna know
where you're going
353
00:20:18,934 --> 00:20:20,234
smelling like that.
354
00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:21,868
Fine. I'll tell you,
355
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:25,734
but I don't want
any crying.
356
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:28,033
I'm going to judge
a beauty contest.
357
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:30,234
Hundreds
of beautiful women
358
00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:32,367
will be hungering
after me.
359
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:34,601
[LAUGHS]
360
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,968
Where's the other judge
so we can start this?
361
00:20:39,968 --> 00:20:42,167
I gotta get back
to my hot dog stand.
362
00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:43,300
Don't worry.
363
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,667
Mr. Bundy will be here.
364
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,868
Let the games begin.
365
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:00,901
Excuse me,
366
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:02,167
but do you know
367
00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:03,667
how we're supposed
to judge this?
368
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:05,100
Well, the way
I look at it,
369
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,868
we give two points
for talent,
370
00:21:06,868 --> 00:21:08,367
two points
for personality
371
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:10,934
and, uh, 96 points
for hooters.
372
00:21:12,868 --> 00:21:14,167
You're a pig.
373
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:17,534
And you, sir, are a--
374
00:21:17,534 --> 00:21:19,167
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
375
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,200
I didn't know you were a woman.
376
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,534
Are you?
377
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,167
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
378
00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:28,634
Bring on the babes!
379
00:21:28,634 --> 00:21:30,801
Yes, well,
without further ado,
380
00:21:30,801 --> 00:21:32,467
judges, please
take your positions.
381
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,234
Hey, that's a great idea.
382
00:21:39,234 --> 00:21:41,767
We can look up their dresses.
383
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,000
The gods have smiled
on Al Bundy!
384
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,701
PAGEANT MASTER:
And now, let us choose...
385
00:21:52,701 --> 00:21:55,200
Chicago's ugliest foot!
386
00:21:58,467 --> 00:22:00,801
Those aren't hooters.
387
00:22:00,801 --> 00:22:03,968
Aah! Those are feet!
388
00:22:03,968 --> 00:22:05,601
Feet! Aah!
389
00:22:05,601 --> 00:22:07,667
There were feet everywhere.
390
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:09,334
Just feet.
391
00:22:09,334 --> 00:22:11,701
Feet, I say! Feet!
392
00:22:11,701 --> 00:22:14,133
PEG: It's all right
now, Al.
393
00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:18,534
Let mama make it
all better.
394
00:22:18,534 --> 00:22:20,167
All right.
395
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:26,200
[SCREAMS]
396
00:22:37,601 --> 00:22:40,467
[***]1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,667
[***]
2
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,651
Feet...
3
00:01:18,686 --> 00:01:20,566
Feet!
4
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:24,167
No more feet!
5
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:32,517
Help me, please.
6
00:01:32,552 --> 00:01:34,376
No more feet!
7
00:01:34,411 --> 00:01:36,200
No more feet!
8
00:01:36,235 --> 00:01:37,717
Help me!
9
00:01:37,752 --> 00:01:39,226
Help!
10
00:01:39,261 --> 00:01:40,666
Help!
11
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:43,234
[SCREAMING]
12
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,985
Feet!
13
00:01:45,020 --> 00:01:46,666
Feet!
14
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:48,634
Al, honey, wake up.
15
00:01:48,669 --> 00:01:50,651
You're having a dream.
16
00:01:50,686 --> 00:01:52,599
Oh, Peg. Thank God.
17
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,534
For the first time
since the first time,
18
00:01:55,569 --> 00:02:00,734
I'm glad to see you
in bed.
19
00:02:00,769 --> 00:02:02,165
It was horrible, Peg.
20
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,934
There were feet
everywhere.
21
00:02:03,969 --> 00:02:06,165
Oh, poor baby.
22
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,133
Let me get you
a glass of water.
23
00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:14,334
[THEME FROM PSYCHO PLAYS]
24
00:02:14,369 --> 00:02:17,334
[SCREAMING]
25
00:02:17,369 --> 00:02:19,067
Feet!
26
00:02:22,801 --> 00:02:24,299
Al, are you having
27
00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:26,501
that stupid
foot dream again?
28
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,601
Go for it, baby.
29
00:02:32,636 --> 00:02:33,833
Go for it.
30
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:37,200
Just touch anything!
31
00:02:37,235 --> 00:02:38,399
Come on, Peg,
32
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:40,968
haven't we had
enough sex in our lives?
33
00:02:41,003 --> 00:02:42,818
When does it
get to be over?
34
00:02:42,853 --> 00:02:44,634
When you're
officially dead.
35
00:02:44,669 --> 00:02:46,567
Now, get on!
36
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:56,434
Aren't my sleeping
nightmares enough?
37
00:02:56,469 --> 00:02:57,734
I haven't had
a bit of sleep
38
00:02:57,769 --> 00:02:59,265
in two weeks.
39
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,783
There's feet.
Feet everywhere.
40
00:03:00,818 --> 00:03:02,267
I'm not going
to work tomorrow.
41
00:03:02,302 --> 00:03:04,217
There'll be feet there.
42
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,098
You are such a baby.
43
00:03:06,133 --> 00:03:07,901
You know, I have to
stare up your nostrils
44
00:03:07,936 --> 00:03:09,332
all night long.
45
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:11,817
You don't see me
waking up
46
00:03:11,852 --> 00:03:14,267
screaming, "Hair! Hair!"
47
00:03:15,968 --> 00:03:17,466
You know,
if the toilet
48
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,334
was just a little bit
bigger...
49
00:03:20,369 --> 00:03:22,634
ba-woosh.
50
00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:25,650
I've got to
calm myself down.
51
00:03:25,685 --> 00:03:27,467
I'm gonna get
a glass of water.
52
00:03:27,502 --> 00:03:28,884
You can't do that, Al.
53
00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:30,232
You'll disturb Marcy.
54
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:33,098
Why are you letting
her stay here?
55
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,767
Because she's lonely,
she's our best friend
56
00:03:35,802 --> 00:03:39,100
and she's giving us
25 bucks a week.
57
00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:42,267
I thought you said 10.
58
00:03:42,302 --> 00:03:43,799
Well, I meant
59
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:47,033
I wish she was giving us
25 bucks a week.
60
00:03:47,068 --> 00:03:49,367
You know,
so you could have some.
61
00:03:49,402 --> 00:03:50,701
That's just great.
62
00:03:50,736 --> 00:03:51,965
I can't sleep,
63
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,767
and I can't go downstairs
in my own house.
64
00:03:53,802 --> 00:03:55,400
What am I supposed to do?
65
00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,933
Well, we could play
66
00:03:57,968 --> 00:04:02,267
"bring the Big Bad Wolf
over to this little Peggy. "
67
00:04:02,302 --> 00:04:06,567
You know, you'll huff,
and I'll puff, and, uh...
68
00:04:06,602 --> 00:04:11,501
well, that'll be
about it.
69
00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:13,098
I don't wanna!
70
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:16,067
Oh, save your whining
till it's over.
71
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,734
MAN [ON TV]:
It's your very essence I adore.
72
00:04:20,769 --> 00:04:22,868
Your beauty
overwhelms me.
73
00:04:22,903 --> 00:04:25,200
WOMAN:
Ah, Charles, take me.
74
00:04:25,235 --> 00:04:26,566
Now.
75
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:28,599
Yes, Charles, take her.
76
00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:32,933
And when you're done, take me.
77
00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:35,767
[ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
78
00:04:35,802 --> 00:04:38,332
[SIGHS]
79
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:41,098
[TURNS TV OFF]
80
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:44,033
I wonder what it feels like
to be in someone's arms again.
81
00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:47,033
AL: Please, Peg, you're killing me!
82
00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:57,967
[WHISPERING]
Hey, Kelly,
83
00:04:58,002 --> 00:04:59,332
are you sure
this is okay?
84
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,567
'Cause last time, your dad
swung me around the room
85
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,132
by my earring.
86
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:05,968
That's just 'cause
you touched his remote control.
87
00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:07,133
Don't worry.
88
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:23,033
[BOTH YELL]
89
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:25,965
Kelly, help!
90
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,601
An old chick's got me!
91
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,601
You pig!
92
00:05:31,636 --> 00:05:32,934
Ow!
93
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,899
I'm outta here.
94
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:38,133
I get enough of this at home
from my mom's friends.
95
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,032
Well, thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
96
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:46,133
That was the third guy this week
that I was truly in love with
97
00:05:46,168 --> 00:05:48,300
that you messed up for me.
98
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:50,650
Kelly...
99
00:05:50,685 --> 00:05:51,834
sit down.
100
00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:54,250
See, I have this...
101
00:05:54,285 --> 00:05:55,432
Well, this problem.
102
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,133
I mean, it's really
very complicated.
103
00:05:57,168 --> 00:05:58,399
You're a child.
104
00:05:58,434 --> 00:06:01,000
I probably shouldn't even be
discussing it with you.
105
00:06:01,035 --> 00:06:02,467
I doubt you'd even
understand.
106
00:06:02,502 --> 00:06:04,501
Horny as a toad, huh?
107
00:06:04,536 --> 00:06:06,532
Bingo.
108
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,199
Look, Kelly,
109
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:11,901
you're attractive,
in a cheap, tawdry sort of way.
110
00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:14,868
What do I have to do
to attract a man?
111
00:06:14,903 --> 00:06:17,801
Well, the magazines say
to try a new look.
112
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:21,300
You know, a new hairdo,
new lipstick.
113
00:06:21,335 --> 00:06:23,567
Pry that jug
out of your mouth.
114
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:27,767
Well, and then there's
this business
115
00:06:27,802 --> 00:06:29,566
with your wedding ring.
116
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:31,400
I mean, a pretty woman
can get away with it,
117
00:06:31,435 --> 00:06:33,499
but...
118
00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:36,000
I think I understand.
119
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:40,332
But I don't know.
120
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,734
It's just so hard for me
to take it off.
121
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:44,718
It's like admitting
to myself
122
00:06:44,753 --> 00:06:46,667
that my marriage
is really over.
123
00:06:46,702 --> 00:06:48,399
Which it obviously is...
124
00:06:48,434 --> 00:06:50,766
and has been
since wiener-neck
125
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:53,301
left in the night
like a balding thief.
126
00:06:53,336 --> 00:06:55,801
I should take it off,
but I just can't.
127
00:06:55,836 --> 00:06:58,133
It's too sacred to me.
128
00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,466
Fine.
129
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:02,100
Then we'll just
get you a cat pole.
130
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,284
It's off.
131
00:07:05,319 --> 00:07:06,632
There.
132
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,065
I've done it.
133
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,132
Now I am truly free.
134
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,265
Why did it take me
so long to realize
135
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,400
when a simpleton like you
knew what I had to do?
136
00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:18,500
I feel great.
137
00:07:18,535 --> 00:07:20,301
I feel renewed.
138
00:07:20,336 --> 00:07:22,032
I'm ready to fly.
139
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,466
Oh, yep.
From this point on,
140
00:07:25,501 --> 00:07:30,968
Marcy Rhoades
soars like an eagle.
141
00:07:31,003 --> 00:07:32,199
"Simpleton"?
142
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,467
I know that means
something bad.
143
00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:40,701
Bud, what's a simpleton?
144
00:07:40,736 --> 00:07:42,968
An idiot, a moron,
145
00:07:43,003 --> 00:07:45,165
dolt, dullard, cretin.
146
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,667
You know, someone
a little smarter than you.
147
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:51,866
Hey.
148
00:07:51,901 --> 00:07:54,467
Aw, look at Mrs. Rhoades.
149
00:07:54,502 --> 00:07:56,034
Isn't she cute?
150
00:07:56,069 --> 00:07:58,618
Peaceful as a baby.
151
00:07:58,653 --> 00:08:01,167
I want her so bad.
152
00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:06,299
Well, maybe
I can help you out.
153
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:08,534
Bud, I'm gonna let you in
on some secret woman stuff
154
00:08:08,569 --> 00:08:10,200
that no other man knows.
155
00:08:10,235 --> 00:08:11,584
Oh, man!
156
00:08:11,619 --> 00:08:12,899
Now, shh.
157
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,732
If anybody knows
that I told you this,
158
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:18,100
the sisterhood would strip me
of my PMS privileges.
159
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:26,634
Now, you see, Bud,
when a woman sleeps,
160
00:08:26,669 --> 00:08:28,532
her hormones accumulate,
161
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:31,000
which means
that when she wakes up,
162
00:08:31,035 --> 00:08:32,065
she falls in love
163
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,866
with the first man
that she sees.
164
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:37,567
Now, if she stands up
and she hasn't seen anyone,
165
00:08:37,602 --> 00:08:39,484
her hormones
will fall to her feet
166
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,367
and they will go
down the drain
167
00:08:41,402 --> 00:08:43,634
when she showers.
168
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,299
Of course.
169
00:08:48,334 --> 00:08:50,234
I've noticed that when
they're standing up,
170
00:08:50,269 --> 00:08:53,032
no girls like me.
171
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:55,167
But we won't give
Mrs. Rhoades the chance.
172
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,666
Now, if I were you,
173
00:08:56,701 --> 00:08:59,484
I would sleep here tonight
on the couch.
174
00:08:59,519 --> 00:09:02,267
That way, you're
the first thing she sees
175
00:09:02,302 --> 00:09:04,701
and the only thing
she wants.
176
00:09:04,736 --> 00:09:07,032
Yowza!
177
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,567
What should I wear?
178
00:09:08,602 --> 00:09:10,032
Your love clothes.
179
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:13,434
You know,
your cowboy jammies.
180
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:23,300
Your hormones.
181
00:09:23,335 --> 00:09:25,032
My jammies.
182
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:28,267
You don't stand
a chance.
183
00:09:36,634 --> 00:09:38,434
AL:
Feet!
184
00:09:38,469 --> 00:09:40,566
Feet!
185
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:42,400
No more feet!
186
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,466
Oh...
187
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,267
Mrs. Rhoades!
188
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,232
Oh, great.
189
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:09,000
Cherry-flavored Zit-Away.
190
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,033
Now we'll see
who the simpleton is.
191
00:10:46,068 --> 00:10:47,200
Heh heh.
192
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:04,400
[ALARM BUZZES]
193
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,334
Oh, no.
194
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:42,567
Good morning, beloved.
195
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,334
Oh, no!
196
00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:52,501
Oh, no. I couldn't have.
197
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,250
How was it?
198
00:11:56,285 --> 00:11:58,626
I was great.
199
00:11:58,661 --> 00:12:00,933
She wa...
200
00:12:00,968 --> 00:12:03,667
Kel, I can't
remember a thing.
201
00:12:03,702 --> 00:12:04,699
Oh, wow.
202
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:05,866
You know, they say
203
00:12:05,901 --> 00:12:07,434
if a man can't
remember anything,
204
00:12:07,469 --> 00:12:09,100
it's the best
it'll ever be.
205
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,633
That's exactly
what it was like!
206
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:17,033
There must be
some sort of mistake.
207
00:12:17,068 --> 00:12:18,065
[YAWNS]
208
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,032
Good morning.
209
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:23,200
My... you're up early.
210
00:12:23,235 --> 00:12:24,617
What's going on?
211
00:12:24,652 --> 00:12:26,000
Nothing. Nothing.
212
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:28,917
I'm late for home.
213
00:12:28,952 --> 00:12:30,209
But nothing happened.
214
00:12:30,244 --> 00:12:31,467
Nothing happened.
215
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:34,300
[SHRIEKING]
216
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:41,998
What's with her?
217
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:45,000
Too much
of a good thing.
218
00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:50,317
Morning, son.
219
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:51,601
Morning, Al.
220
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,933
AL [THINKING]:
But, Mom,
221
00:13:02,968 --> 00:13:05,767
I don't wanna work
in a shoe store.
222
00:13:05,802 --> 00:13:07,365
AL'S MOM:
Don't worry, Al.
223
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,666
Just think of it
as a stepping stone.
224
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:14,467
Someday you'll be the
president of your own corporation.
225
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,666
Thanks, Mom.
226
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:19,834
You want
your Bloody Mary now?
227
00:13:19,869 --> 00:13:21,599
Yes, dear.
228
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,934
And rub my feet.
229
00:13:29,667 --> 00:13:31,833
Excuse me.
230
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:34,000
Are you alive?
231
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:44,934
No, I've... died
and gone to Switzerland.
232
00:13:47,501 --> 00:13:49,367
I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.
233
00:13:49,402 --> 00:13:50,499
No need to ask.
234
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:52,667
The cash register's
right over there.
235
00:13:52,702 --> 00:13:54,534
The car's in the parking lot.
236
00:13:54,569 --> 00:13:57,118
Just step on me
on your way out.
237
00:13:57,153 --> 00:13:59,667
I would,
but I'm here on business.
238
00:13:59,702 --> 00:14:00,998
I was wondering,
239
00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:02,667
we need a place
to hold our pageant.
240
00:14:02,702 --> 00:14:05,351
We'd like to use your store.
241
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:08,000
You can be a judge if you want.
242
00:14:08,035 --> 00:14:11,365
Will, uh...
243
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,167
Will you be a contestant?
244
00:14:13,202 --> 00:14:14,466
Oh, no.
245
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,767
I couldn't possibly compete
with these women.
246
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,734
Will you do it? Please?
247
00:14:22,769 --> 00:14:25,801
[WEAKLY] Excuse me.
248
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:32,666
Yes!
249
00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:33,933
Thank you!
250
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:35,232
Out of the emptiness,
251
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,183
the void
that is my life,
252
00:14:37,218 --> 00:14:39,100
I now can see
the light!
253
00:14:39,135 --> 00:14:42,701
I... am... alive!
254
00:14:50,634 --> 00:14:53,300
I'll be there
with boobs on.
255
00:14:55,334 --> 00:14:57,167
Bells.
256
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,732
Hey, you okay?
257
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,467
You seem
awfully nervous.
258
00:15:07,502 --> 00:15:08,632
Me, nervous?
259
00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:10,467
Don't be silly.
I'm fine.
260
00:15:13,901 --> 00:15:15,699
Listen, Peggy,
261
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:17,450
I've got to ask you
something.
262
00:15:17,485 --> 00:15:19,132
Have you ever done anything
263
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:21,601
that you didn't remember
the next day?
264
00:15:21,636 --> 00:15:23,866
Well...
265
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:27,232
having the kids.
266
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:28,767
I mean, have you
ever done anything
267
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,400
that you really regretted?
268
00:15:32,968 --> 00:15:34,901
Having the kids.
269
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,667
Mother.
270
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,334
Mama.
271
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,200
Ahh!
272
00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:21,300
Gee, what's with him?
273
00:16:21,335 --> 00:16:23,532
I know.
274
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,367
I bet he has
a little girlfriend.
275
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:39,334
Peg.
276
00:16:39,369 --> 00:16:40,901
Peg leg.
277
00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,200
Ahh!
278
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:51,133
Gee, you're
in a good mood.
279
00:16:51,168 --> 00:16:52,499
What's wrong?
280
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:53,799
What could be wrong?
281
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,834
The sun is shining.
The birds are singing.
282
00:16:55,869 --> 00:16:58,666
I'm a shoe salesman.
283
00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:00,467
I'm gonna go take a shower.
284
00:17:00,502 --> 00:17:02,432
A shower?
285
00:17:02,467 --> 00:17:05,150
In the middle
of the week?
286
00:17:05,185 --> 00:17:07,799
Now I know
something's wrong.
287
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:12,567
Al, you don't even know
where the soap is!
288
00:17:12,602 --> 00:17:14,584
Well, babe...
289
00:17:14,619 --> 00:17:16,532
you look good.
290
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:19,467
I obviously agree with you.
291
00:17:19,502 --> 00:17:22,367
Look, let's clear the air.
292
00:17:22,402 --> 00:17:24,032
Nothing happened.
293
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:26,567
I am absolutely, positively sure
294
00:17:26,602 --> 00:17:28,332
nothing happened...
295
00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:30,634
but if it did,
even though it didn't,
296
00:17:30,669 --> 00:17:32,901
I don't want any rumors
getting around.
297
00:17:32,936 --> 00:17:34,167
A gentleman never tells.
298
00:17:34,202 --> 00:17:35,432
[DOOR OPENS]
299
00:17:35,467 --> 00:17:39,567
Hey, Bud, is this the one?
300
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:42,167
Yup.
301
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:45,434
Say "young stuff. "
302
00:17:45,469 --> 00:17:47,001
[CAMERA CLICKS]
303
00:17:47,036 --> 00:17:48,468
Way to go, Bud.
304
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:49,901
Yeah. All right.
305
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,901
She's old.
306
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,000
You told your friends?
307
00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:57,968
Like you haven't.
308
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,065
Look, babe...
309
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:04,433
I know what you're
feeling for me, but, uh...
310
00:18:04,468 --> 00:18:06,767
I think it might be
healthier for the both of us
311
00:18:06,802 --> 00:18:09,134
to continue
seeing other people.
312
00:18:09,169 --> 00:18:11,467
I just hope I haven't
ruined you
313
00:18:11,502 --> 00:18:13,767
for all other men.
314
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:15,998
Oh, very nice.
315
00:18:16,033 --> 00:18:18,667
We have something special,
and now you just toss me asi...
316
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,666
Wait a second!
317
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,334
What am I talking about?
318
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:25,933
Nothing happened between us.
319
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:28,017
Nothing could happen
between us.
320
00:18:28,052 --> 00:18:30,067
Nothing ever will
happen between us.
321
00:18:30,102 --> 00:18:32,365
So that's it, huh?
322
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,501
Slam, bam,
thank you, Bud?
323
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:38,732
You used me.
324
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:40,232
I used you?
325
00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:42,901
You're the one who said
we should see other people.
326
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:49,767
I didn't mean
to hurt you, babe.
327
00:18:49,802 --> 00:18:51,065
But sometimes
328
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,601
the best way to hold
on to something
329
00:18:52,636 --> 00:18:53,634
is to let it go.
330
00:18:53,669 --> 00:18:55,132
Oh, bull.
331
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,700
You're just like
all the rest.
332
00:18:57,735 --> 00:19:00,234
It's the age thing,
isn't it?
333
00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:06,484
Look, uh,
let's not fight.
334
00:19:06,519 --> 00:19:07,965
It cheapens the memory...
335
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,484
even though I don't
remember anything.
336
00:19:11,519 --> 00:19:14,968
But we'll always have
whatever happened.
337
00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:17,566
Which was nothing.
338
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:20,167
Whatever gets you
through the night.
339
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,151
Friends?
340
00:19:22,186 --> 00:19:24,065
Friends.
341
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,632
Now, would it be
all right
342
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,300
if a friend
bought another friend
343
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,151
an ice cream cone?
344
00:19:31,186 --> 00:19:33,968
Sure. Why not?
345
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:39,367
Oh, uh, by the way...
you are on the pill?
346
00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:44,968
Oh, my God!
347
00:19:57,234 --> 00:20:00,199
Yeah, and I'm the simpleton.
348
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:04,834
Tricking them
was as easy as one, two, "C."
349
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:13,265
Al, taking a shower
350
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,300
is more than
spraying your shirt
351
00:20:15,335 --> 00:20:17,365
with deodorant.
352
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,934
I wanna know
where you're going
353
00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:20,418
smelling like that.
354
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:21,833
Fine. I'll tell you,
355
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:25,699
but I don't want
any crying.
356
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:28,033
I'm going to judge
a beauty contest.
357
00:20:28,068 --> 00:20:30,217
Hundreds
of beautiful women
358
00:20:30,252 --> 00:20:32,367
will be hungering
after me.
359
00:20:32,402 --> 00:20:34,601
[LAUGHS]
360
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,968
Where's the other judge
so we can start this?
361
00:20:40,003 --> 00:20:42,167
I gotta get back
to my hot dog stand.
362
00:20:42,202 --> 00:20:43,265
Don't worry.
363
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,667
Mr. Bundy will be here.
364
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,868
Let the games begin.
365
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:00,866
Excuse me,
366
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:02,132
but do you know
367
00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:03,667
how we're supposed
to judge this?
368
00:21:03,702 --> 00:21:05,285
Well, the way
I look at it,
369
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:06,843
we give two points
for talent,
370
00:21:06,878 --> 00:21:08,332
two points
for personality
371
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:10,934
and, uh, 96 points
for hooters.
372
00:21:12,868 --> 00:21:14,132
You're a pig.
373
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:16,667
And you, sir, are a...
374
00:21:16,702 --> 00:21:19,132
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
375
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,200
I didn't know you were a woman.
376
00:21:21,235 --> 00:21:24,499
Are you?
377
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,167
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
378
00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:28,599
Bring on the babes!
379
00:21:28,634 --> 00:21:30,550
Yes, well,
without further ado,
380
00:21:30,585 --> 00:21:32,467
judges, please
take your positions.
381
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,533
Hey, that's a great idea.
382
00:21:39,568 --> 00:21:41,732
We can look up their dresses.
383
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,000
The gods have smiled
on Al Bundy!
384
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,701
PAGEANT MASTER:
And now, let us choose...
385
00:21:52,736 --> 00:21:55,200
Chicago's ugliest foot!
386
00:21:58,467 --> 00:22:01,217
Those aren't hooters.
387
00:22:01,252 --> 00:22:03,968
Aah! Those are feet!
388
00:22:04,003 --> 00:22:05,566
Feet! Aah!
389
00:22:05,601 --> 00:22:07,667
There were feet everywhere.
390
00:22:07,702 --> 00:22:09,299
Just feet.
391
00:22:09,334 --> 00:22:11,666
Feet, I say! Feet!
392
00:22:11,701 --> 00:22:15,117
PEG: It's all right
now, Al.
393
00:22:15,152 --> 00:22:18,534
Let mama make it
all better.
394
00:22:18,569 --> 00:22:20,167
All right.
395
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:26,200
[SCREAMS]
396
00:22:37,601 --> 00:22:40,467
[***]1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,667
[***]
2
00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:22,567
Hey, didn't I just pay bills
last month?
3
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,367
Just the ones
stamped "final notice. "
4
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:31,365
This month we're doing the ones
5
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,367
personally delivered
by the sheriff.
6
00:01:34,402 --> 00:01:35,965
Where's your mother?
7
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,501
She said
she couldn't watch this.
8
00:01:37,536 --> 00:01:38,998
It depresses her.
9
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:42,033
So she took your wallet,
and she went shopping.
10
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:43,634
But if that damn woman
isn't here,
11
00:01:43,669 --> 00:01:45,300
who am I supposed to yell at?
12
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,367
She left this.
13
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,801
Go ahead, Dad.
14
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:56,032
Yeow!
15
00:01:56,067 --> 00:02:00,367
Who could run up
a $260 phone bill?
16
00:02:00,402 --> 00:02:05,267
PEGGY:
I'm sorry, Al.
17
00:02:05,302 --> 00:02:06,866
I made a mistake.
18
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,934
It'll never happen
again.
19
00:02:08,969 --> 00:02:10,534
[GRUMBLES]
20
00:02:10,569 --> 00:02:12,100
All right.
21
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,566
Yikes!
22
00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:18,767
A hundred and sixty dollars
for a haircut and a manicure?
23
00:02:18,802 --> 00:02:21,000
I can explain
that one.
24
00:02:21,035 --> 00:02:22,432
You better!
25
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:25,117
It was just
a one-time thing,
26
00:02:25,152 --> 00:02:27,767
and it'll never
happen again.
27
00:02:27,802 --> 00:02:29,200
All right.
28
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:32,933
Aah!
29
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:36,466
Who spent $50
on a tape recorder?
30
00:02:36,501 --> 00:02:38,501
Oh, Al,
I'll never do that...
31
00:02:38,536 --> 00:02:40,133
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
32
00:02:40,168 --> 00:02:41,599
Hello?
33
00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:43,365
Oh, hi, Mom.
34
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,300
No, I'm just putting
a tape together
35
00:02:45,335 --> 00:02:48,067
for that idiot husband
of mine.
36
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:49,899
Oops.
37
00:02:49,934 --> 00:02:52,017
Erase that, Kelly.
38
00:02:52,052 --> 00:02:54,100
KELLY:
I will, Mom.
39
00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:58,083
PEG:
Don't forget, now.
40
00:02:58,118 --> 00:02:59,965
KELLY:
I said I will.
41
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,767
What do I look like,
an idiot?
42
00:03:02,802 --> 00:03:05,699
[CLICK]
43
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:08,300
Hey, I'm gonna do it.
44
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:12,833
Ahh!
45
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:15,065
Well, that's done.
46
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,432
Now, let's see what's left
47
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:19,334
to go into
the old savings account.
48
00:03:19,369 --> 00:03:21,998
Hey, a big nickel.
49
00:03:22,033 --> 00:03:24,734
See, kids, one day,
all that will be yours.
50
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:26,767
I said one day!
51
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:31,767
Dad, I hate to be the fly
in your Preparation H,
52
00:03:31,802 --> 00:03:33,965
but, uh...
53
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,516
you missed a bill.
54
00:03:35,551 --> 00:03:36,998
You know, Daddy,
55
00:03:37,033 --> 00:03:38,232
you should do
what Mom says:
56
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,067
you should marry somebody
who's got a job.
57
00:03:40,102 --> 00:03:41,567
Didn't your mom
ever tell you that?
58
00:03:41,602 --> 00:03:42,532
No, honey.
59
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:43,933
My mom told me
to marry an anchor
60
00:03:43,968 --> 00:03:46,033
and cling to it
as it sinks to the bottom.
61
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,265
Chicko's Storage?
62
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,334
What the hell
is Chicko's Storage?
63
00:03:50,369 --> 00:03:51,599
Our storage bin.
64
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,267
What the hell do you mean, storage bin?
65
00:03:53,302 --> 00:03:54,866
Nobody told me
about a storage bin.
66
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,200
What could we possibly
put in a storage bin?
67
00:03:57,235 --> 00:03:59,599
Thanks, Adolfo!
68
00:03:59,634 --> 00:04:01,968
Just put the rest
in the storage bin!
69
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,265
Oh.
70
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,534
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
71
00:04:06,569 --> 00:04:08,267
Hi, honey.
72
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,032
Hi, pookie.
73
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,734
What you got there?
74
00:04:13,769 --> 00:04:15,532
Uh...
75
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,866
it's a boar's head.
76
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:20,501
I know, but what do you have
behind your back?
77
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:27,484
No, I saw it, Daddy.
78
00:04:27,519 --> 00:04:28,734
It is a boar's head.
79
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,434
Rest, honey.
80
00:04:33,601 --> 00:04:36,234
Peg, why did you buy
a boar's head?
81
00:04:36,269 --> 00:04:38,868
Well, if you must know,
it aroused me.
82
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,067
Glassy eyes,
stuffing for brains,
83
00:04:41,102 --> 00:04:43,332
nothing below the neck.
84
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:47,367
Nail it to a toilet bowl,
it could be you.
85
00:04:47,402 --> 00:04:49,532
No, it couldn't,
'cause unlike me,
86
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:53,801
someone loved him enough
to put a bullet in his head.
87
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,265
I can't live like this.
88
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,250
I already got a dog
and three leeches.
89
00:05:03,285 --> 00:05:05,200
What am I gonna do
with a boar's head?
90
00:05:05,235 --> 00:05:06,232
All right.
91
00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:08,367
Kids, take that thing
to the garage.
92
00:05:08,402 --> 00:05:10,300
All right. Let's go.
93
00:05:10,335 --> 00:05:12,101
No, no, no, no!
94
00:05:12,136 --> 00:05:13,618
The boar's head.
95
00:05:13,653 --> 00:05:15,065
You gotta be
96
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,933
a little bit more
specific, Mom, because...
97
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:19,133
Yeah, I mean, usually
when you say "that thing,"
98
00:05:19,168 --> 00:05:20,600
you mean Dad.
I know.
99
00:05:20,635 --> 00:05:22,033
Peg, this has got to stop.
100
00:05:22,068 --> 00:05:23,866
Oh...
101
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:26,965
I'll do with that thing what I
should've done to you after the wedding:
102
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,400
strap it to the hood of my car, take
it back to the woods where it belongs.
103
00:05:30,435 --> 00:05:32,051
You can't take it back.
104
00:05:32,086 --> 00:05:33,667
I got it at a yard sale.
105
00:05:33,702 --> 00:05:34,766
Peg, don't you know
106
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,234
the things you buy
at a yard sale
107
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:37,551
are just junk?
108
00:05:37,586 --> 00:05:38,799
No, they're not.
109
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:42,000
That's where I got
your reading glasses,
110
00:05:42,035 --> 00:05:44,868
and the brake linings
for your car
111
00:05:44,903 --> 00:05:47,701
and antibiotics for the kids.
112
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:52,267
Besides, you buy a lot
of worthless junk, too,
113
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:54,167
like your bowling ball.
114
00:05:54,202 --> 00:05:56,384
Peg, I go bowling.
115
00:05:56,419 --> 00:05:58,532
You don't go boaring.
116
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,067
Well, once every
couple of months I do.
117
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,483
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
118
00:06:04,518 --> 00:06:06,033
Yoo-hoo! It's me!
119
00:06:06,068 --> 00:06:06,998
See, Peg,
120
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:10,133
this is why I tell you,
lock the door.
121
00:06:10,168 --> 00:06:13,234
Peggy, the most wonderful thing
happened.
122
00:06:13,269 --> 00:06:14,467
I have a date.
123
00:06:14,502 --> 00:06:15,701
Oh!
124
00:06:15,736 --> 00:06:16,866
Al!
125
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:19,299
Marcy has a date!
126
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:21,300
Gee, they must be
selling parkas in hell
127
00:06:21,335 --> 00:06:23,566
right now.
128
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:27,634
Well, we can only hope
your dad can afford one.
129
00:06:27,669 --> 00:06:28,901
So, what's he like?
130
00:06:28,936 --> 00:06:30,133
Is he tall? Is he rich?
131
00:06:30,168 --> 00:06:31,300
Is he sighted?
132
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,967
Al, Pick a hole
in your head
133
00:06:37,002 --> 00:06:38,834
and stick your finger
in it.
134
00:06:38,869 --> 00:06:40,699
Grownups are talking.
135
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,834
Peggy, my mistake was
looking for a man to love,
136
00:06:43,869 --> 00:06:46,767
when all I really needed
was a man to hurt.
137
00:06:46,802 --> 00:06:49,118
I think I found him.
He's perfect.
138
00:06:49,153 --> 00:06:51,399
Are you going to
have sex with him?
139
00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,467
Well, you heard her say
she wants to hurt him.
140
00:07:00,534 --> 00:07:02,267
Anyway, this is not
something I'd admit
141
00:07:02,302 --> 00:07:03,899
in front of a man,
142
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,968
but I'm a little nervous
about this sex thing.
143
00:07:06,003 --> 00:07:07,968
It's been
a long time.
144
00:07:08,003 --> 00:07:09,767
Three months.
145
00:07:09,802 --> 00:07:13,365
[LAUGHS]
146
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,968
I could do three months
standing on my head.
147
00:07:17,601 --> 00:07:19,251
I'm just so used
to Steve.
148
00:07:19,286 --> 00:07:20,866
It was his
one strength.
149
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:23,267
Well, that
and show tune trivia.
150
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:27,017
But what if this guy's
no good at all?
151
00:07:27,052 --> 00:07:29,234
Well, you've come
to the right place.
152
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,132
I'll tell you,
153
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:34,067
the most important thing
the first few times
154
00:07:34,102 --> 00:07:35,032
is to make them feel
155
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,367
like they're doing
a good job,
156
00:07:36,402 --> 00:07:37,965
even when they're not.
157
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,933
You know,
I say things like,
158
00:07:39,968 --> 00:07:42,400
"Oh, honey, I wasn't
laughing at you.
159
00:07:42,435 --> 00:07:45,299
I was just thinking
of a joke. "
160
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:48,667
Oh, or, "You know,
when it's the real thing,
161
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:51,332
it only has to take
but a minute. "
162
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,801
Oh, and you should always
keep a little cup of water
163
00:07:53,836 --> 00:07:55,499
by the side of the bed,
164
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:56,965
sort of
sprinkle your brow.
165
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,968
He'll really think
you're into it.
166
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:01,667
I've gotten a few
"suffer, baby's"
167
00:08:01,702 --> 00:08:03,200
from Al
with that one.
168
00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:06,968
Oh, and then...
169
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:11,033
if you have
a free hand,
170
00:08:11,068 --> 00:08:13,065
which I always do,
171
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,334
you wanna just sort of
reach over to the clock
172
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,165
and move it forward.
173
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,367
It's a good
confidence builder.
174
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:22,998
And always...
175
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:26,567
practice moaning
to cover up your yawns.
176
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:29,934
You know, I guess
what I'm saying is,
177
00:08:29,969 --> 00:08:31,367
you've just gotta
leave the man
178
00:08:31,402 --> 00:08:33,866
with something.
179
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,199
Peg, you forgot
about your best secret move:
180
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:39,534
you know, spitting Cracker Jacks
while you shout instructions.
181
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:42,432
Oh, and the passionate
182
00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:44,100
"Remember, tomorrow's
garbage day"
183
00:08:44,135 --> 00:08:46,566
at just that right moment.
184
00:08:46,601 --> 00:08:51,367
See, I can't speak for all men,
but that turns me into a tiger.
185
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,184
Dad, there's no more room
left in the garage.
186
00:08:56,219 --> 00:08:58,801
I had to take this out
to get the boar's head in.
187
00:08:58,836 --> 00:09:00,299
Hey, look what else Mom bought.
188
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:03,200
A collection
of Danish Dames magazines.
189
00:09:03,235 --> 00:09:05,367
Hey! That's not mine.
190
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:12,567
How... How the heck
did those get in there?
191
00:09:12,602 --> 00:09:16,100
Damn vandals
must have left them.
192
00:09:16,135 --> 00:09:17,499
I'll make sure
193
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:19,934
they're put in the trash
where they belong.
194
00:09:19,969 --> 00:09:21,133
Idiot.
195
00:09:22,634 --> 00:09:24,184
Peg, what's this?
196
00:09:24,219 --> 00:09:25,699
Oh, that's an ashtray
197
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:27,501
that teaches you
geography.
198
00:09:30,734 --> 00:09:33,100
That way you can smoke
and learn.
199
00:09:33,135 --> 00:09:34,866
What a find!
200
00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:36,417
Where'd you get it?
201
00:09:36,452 --> 00:09:37,899
Hampee's garage sale.
202
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:39,284
How could I
have missed it?
203
00:09:39,319 --> 00:09:40,599
I was there
when they opened.
204
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:42,534
Did you see
the three-legged chair?
205
00:09:42,569 --> 00:09:44,032
Got it.
Damn!
206
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,767
You know,
the only thing better
207
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,467
than going to
a good garage sale
208
00:09:47,502 --> 00:09:48,899
is having your own.
209
00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:50,400
When I was
a little girl...
210
00:09:50,435 --> 00:09:52,833
Oh, help me!
211
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:55,434
We'd have a garage sale
every summer.
212
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,551
My mother
would sell anything:
213
00:09:57,586 --> 00:09:59,560
old lamp shades,
record albums,
214
00:09:59,595 --> 00:10:01,534
the training bra
off my back.
215
00:10:01,569 --> 00:10:04,434
What were you, about 25?
216
00:10:04,469 --> 00:10:05,866
I was 13
217
00:10:05,901 --> 00:10:08,701
and making more money
than you.
218
00:10:11,267 --> 00:10:14,367
Anyway, our garage sales
were always a big success.
219
00:10:14,402 --> 00:10:16,532
We made $500 once.
220
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:19,333
My personal stuff
was the biggest seller.
221
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,934
I guess when you see
a little girl cry
222
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:24,501
as strangers pry
her cherished belongings
223
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:25,899
out of her hands,
224
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,499
people think
they're getting a real bargain.
225
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:31,234
Why, the big 50 cents
they got for my dog Chester
226
00:10:31,269 --> 00:10:33,601
helped pay for that weekend
in the mountains
227
00:10:33,636 --> 00:10:36,065
my parents took without me.
228
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,167
But I guess I would have been
a real downer,
229
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:39,199
you know, screaming,
230
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:40,901
"Chester, Chester,
please come home.
231
00:10:40,936 --> 00:10:43,551
I can't live without you. "
232
00:10:43,586 --> 00:10:46,132
I don't think about it much...
233
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:49,667
except for the times
when I wake up screaming.
234
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:59,033
Five hundred dollars,
you say?
235
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:04,065
Marcy just gave me a great idea.
236
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:06,067
Peg, scrape the dog doody
off the grass.
237
00:11:06,102 --> 00:11:08,267
The Bundys
are having a yard sale.
238
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,767
Al, I can't believe
you're doing this.
239
00:11:29,802 --> 00:11:31,051
You're selling
my life's work.
240
00:11:31,086 --> 00:11:32,910
Not your whole life's work.
241
00:11:32,945 --> 00:11:35,373
I'm keeping my knotted bowels.
242
00:11:35,408 --> 00:11:37,801
Dad, what's the price
on this?
243
00:11:37,836 --> 00:11:38,868
Mm, 10 cents.
244
00:11:38,903 --> 00:11:39,833
Winky?
245
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:41,117
You can't sell Winky.
246
00:11:41,152 --> 00:11:42,332
Pookie, Winky's dead.
247
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,968
Why would you buy
a dead bird?
248
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:44,933
Well, they said
249
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,667
he could speak
over 100 words.
250
00:11:46,702 --> 00:11:48,367
Okay, make it a quarter, son.
251
00:11:51,033 --> 00:11:52,267
How much, Dad?
252
00:11:52,302 --> 00:11:53,599
Oh, no.
253
00:11:53,634 --> 00:11:55,532
You can't sell this painting.
It's unique.
254
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:59,200
It's Paris Seen Through
the Eyes of a Dead Man.
255
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:03,132
Kids, tie your mommy up.
256
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:06,501
Al, I have spent 10 years
amassing these treasures
257
00:12:06,536 --> 00:12:08,534
from the four corners
of the block.
258
00:12:08,569 --> 00:12:09,866
How can you...
259
00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:11,232
How can you
sell these things
260
00:12:11,267 --> 00:12:12,834
when there's all that
useless stuff
261
00:12:12,869 --> 00:12:14,199
in the house?
262
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,133
You know, there's
a vacuum and a stove
263
00:12:17,168 --> 00:12:18,866
and your side of the bed,
264
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:20,501
your second pair
of underwear...
265
00:12:20,536 --> 00:12:22,601
Begone, woman.
266
00:12:22,636 --> 00:12:24,667
You stink.
267
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,499
Kids...
268
00:12:28,534 --> 00:12:29,933
did you put the ad
in the paper?
269
00:12:29,968 --> 00:12:31,934
Mm-hmm. Signs around the neighborhood?
270
00:12:31,969 --> 00:12:33,866
BOTH: Mm-hmm. Thumbtacks in the street
271
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:36,033
so the cars will get a flat
in front of the house?
272
00:12:36,068 --> 00:12:36,998
Yup.
273
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,700
[TIRE POPS, AIR HISSING]
274
00:12:39,735 --> 00:12:42,367
We're open
for business.
275
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:49,866
Yep.
276
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:52,165
Open for business.
277
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,167
Look, honey!
A parrot!
278
00:12:55,202 --> 00:12:57,334
Hi, pretty bird.
279
00:12:57,369 --> 00:12:59,067
[SQUAWKS]
280
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,232
Take me home.
281
00:13:02,267 --> 00:13:06,734
I wanna be
part of your family.
282
00:13:06,769 --> 00:13:08,418
I love you.
283
00:13:08,453 --> 00:13:10,226
[SQUAWKS]
284
00:13:10,261 --> 00:13:11,965
Excuse me.
285
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,132
Isn't that you
talking?
286
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,666
How dare you
come into my own yard
287
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:17,934
and accuse me of passing
myself off for a dead bird?
288
00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:20,601
Look, we're sorry,
uh...
289
00:13:20,636 --> 00:13:22,334
How much?
290
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,934
[DEEP VOICE]
And I'll take this,
291
00:13:25,969 --> 00:13:27,834
and this, and this.
292
00:13:27,869 --> 00:13:29,334
Oh, my.
293
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:32,998
What can I do for you?
294
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:35,067
How much
for this wagon wheel?
295
00:13:35,102 --> 00:13:36,567
Twenty-five cents.
296
00:13:36,602 --> 00:13:37,998
That's ridiculous.
297
00:13:38,033 --> 00:13:40,767
I'll give you
50 cents.
298
00:13:40,802 --> 00:13:43,466
No, my daddy says 25.
299
00:13:43,501 --> 00:13:46,901
Bud, you notice anything
unusual over there?
300
00:13:46,936 --> 00:13:48,452
Which do you mean, Dad?
301
00:13:48,487 --> 00:13:49,933
Mom dressed like
an idiot,
302
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:53,000
or Kelly for the first time
using the word "no. "
303
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,501
And I'd like this,
and this, and this.
304
00:14:01,536 --> 00:14:02,968
Dad, I got
a live one here.
305
00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:04,434
She'll buy anything.
306
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,132
Watch.
307
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:07,534
Twenty dollars.
308
00:14:07,569 --> 00:14:09,618
I'll take it.
309
00:14:09,653 --> 00:14:11,632
What an idiot.
310
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,700
Kelly, go change
the newspaper
311
00:14:13,735 --> 00:14:15,734
under the dead parrot's
cage.
312
00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:17,868
I'll handle this.
313
00:14:17,903 --> 00:14:19,933
Soak her, daddy.
314
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:23,000
Winky's waiting,
honey.
315
00:14:23,035 --> 00:14:24,684
Hello, Peg.
316
00:14:24,719 --> 00:14:26,299
Hi, Al...
317
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,067
[DEEP VOICE] I mean, uh...
318
00:14:28,102 --> 00:14:29,601
Hello, mister.
319
00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:33,651
[CLANKING]
320
00:14:33,686 --> 00:14:35,466
Peg...
321
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:36,834
the cow bell.
322
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:42,701
You stink.
323
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,332
Burger?
324
00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:50,133
Yeah, I'll have
a couple.
325
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:57,834
Son...
326
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,467
Have I told you
not to marry?
327
00:15:01,502 --> 00:15:03,098
Yeah, Dad.
328
00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:04,901
Good. That's good.
329
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:07,833
Have I told you
330
00:15:07,868 --> 00:15:09,968
not to be
a shoe salesman?
331
00:15:10,003 --> 00:15:11,965
Yeah, Dad.
332
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,567
I guess I've told you
everything I know, then.
333
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:18,300
Son, what do you
wanna be
334
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:19,667
when you grow up?
335
00:15:19,702 --> 00:15:20,965
Well, I was...
336
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,767
Yeah, I wanted to be
a football player.
337
00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:24,400
Now I just wanna be
like him.
338
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:28,534
Sure, you have to eat
a bowl full of
339
00:15:28,569 --> 00:15:30,466
the private parts
of horses, but...
340
00:15:30,501 --> 00:15:32,501
then you go to the bathroom
on the lawn,
341
00:15:32,536 --> 00:15:35,801
and somebody says
you did good.
342
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,098
That's all I wanted:
343
00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:42,734
to lie in the sun,
to run in the grass,
344
00:15:42,769 --> 00:15:44,618
to see a good-looking
bitch
345
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,467
through a chain-link
fence...
346
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:52,550
Ah, what's the use?
It'll never happen, so...
347
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:57,000
* A dog is an animal
With big, floppy ears *
348
00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:59,551
[SOBBING] Oh, God.
349
00:15:59,586 --> 00:16:02,032
What's with Dad?
350
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,701
He's having
the dog dream again.
351
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:08,767
Good boy!
352
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:11,799
You know,
I can't understand
353
00:16:11,834 --> 00:16:13,433
why we can't sell
any of this junk.
354
00:16:13,468 --> 00:16:15,033
Well, honey, see,
lawn sales are based
355
00:16:15,068 --> 00:16:16,367
on the Bigger Idiot
theory.
356
00:16:16,402 --> 00:16:17,667
You know,
nothing's so dumb
357
00:16:17,702 --> 00:16:18,866
that some bigger idiot
358
00:16:18,901 --> 00:16:20,500
won't come along
and buy it,
359
00:16:20,535 --> 00:16:22,065
but the flaw
in that theory is
360
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,634
that eventually you get
to the head idiot.
361
00:16:27,701 --> 00:16:31,901
And, uh,
you call her "Mom. "
362
00:16:31,936 --> 00:16:33,632
So what do we do, Dad?
363
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,367
Give up
and become Sanford and Son?
364
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:40,534
No. I'll think
of something.
365
00:16:40,569 --> 00:16:42,532
Remember
the Bundy credo:
366
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:46,200
"a Bundy never wins,
but a Bundy never quits. "
367
00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:48,951
No, Dad, it's
"a Bundy never eats. "
368
00:16:48,986 --> 00:16:51,667
No, no, no,
it's "a Bundy never learns. "
369
00:16:51,702 --> 00:16:54,267
Wait, isn't it
"a Bundy never dies"?
370
00:16:54,302 --> 00:16:55,732
No, "a Bundy never cares. "
371
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,033
Shut up, the two of you.
Shut up, the two of you.
372
00:16:58,068 --> 00:17:00,734
Just give me one minute
to think about this.
373
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:01,833
and I'll think
374
00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:04,334
of a brilliant way
to get us out of this.
375
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:11,965
Ho, ho, ho!
376
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,567
Welcome to Bundyland,
the happiest place on earth!
377
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,551
Having fun?
378
00:17:17,586 --> 00:17:19,501
This reeks.
379
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,968
Just pet the damn dog.
380
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:24,400
[GROWLS]
381
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:31,267
Bud, how we doing
on the Wheel o' Fun?
382
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:37,000
Great, Dad.
383
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,799
Hold on tight.
384
00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:45,968
[GRINDER ORGAN
PLAYING CIRCUS TUNE]
385
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,232
Why do men treat me
like I'm stupid?
386
00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:56,501
[IMITATING PARROT]
Beats the hell out of me.
387
00:17:57,968 --> 00:17:59,834
They treat me
that way too.
388
00:17:59,869 --> 00:18:01,701
Maybe it's because we're blond.
389
00:18:01,736 --> 00:18:02,965
[SQUAWKS]
390
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,532
Hey, P.T. Barnum.
391
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:08,634
So, you didn't think
I could get a guy, huh?
392
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:15,000
Well, I did, and he can't wait
to get his hands on me.
393
00:18:15,035 --> 00:18:16,833
But I made him
stop here first
394
00:18:16,868 --> 00:18:19,501
so you could see
what a real man looks like.
395
00:18:19,536 --> 00:18:20,934
Check him out.
396
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,766
The best thing
about him
397
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:31,434
is that he's
a one-woman man.
398
00:18:31,469 --> 00:18:33,067
Then that
must be her now.
399
00:18:34,868 --> 00:18:36,399
Roland, get back here.
400
00:18:36,434 --> 00:18:40,200
When I buy a guy dinner,
I expect something for it!
401
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:46,501
Ahh...
402
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:49,666
Al...
403
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,301
I'm so depressed.
404
00:18:51,336 --> 00:18:52,866
Welcome to Bundyland,
405
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:55,299
the depressingest place
on earth.
406
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,234
I was just over at
the Friedmans' garage sale
407
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,632
down the block.
408
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:00,098
You know
what they're saying?
409
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,000
"Why does your husband
go on living?"
410
00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:05,200
No, no one knows
I'm married.
411
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:08,734
They're saying
that all my stuff,
412
00:19:08,769 --> 00:19:10,518
my treasures
413
00:19:10,553 --> 00:19:12,232
are junk.
414
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:14,067
Peg, I've been
telling you that!
415
00:19:14,102 --> 00:19:15,868
Yeah, but these are
strangers.
416
00:19:15,903 --> 00:19:18,618
I care what they think.
417
00:19:18,653 --> 00:19:21,334
Oh, Al, I've failed me.
418
00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:26,634
As usual, I can see
that you're making it big.
419
00:19:26,669 --> 00:19:29,067
All right, everybody,
family meeting.
420
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,299
Kids...
421
00:19:33,334 --> 00:19:35,334
it is with a heavy heart
that I have to report
422
00:19:35,369 --> 00:19:36,432
that Bundyland
423
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,067
is a complete
and total failure.
424
00:19:39,102 --> 00:19:41,667
A first for anything
named Bundy.
425
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:42,899
Gee, I wish it could be
426
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:46,766
like one of them
big wanker hoedowns.
427
00:19:46,801 --> 00:19:49,067
You know, where everybody
gathers around the still
428
00:19:49,102 --> 00:19:51,567
and they play spin-the-cousin.
429
00:19:51,602 --> 00:19:53,998
Now, here's
what we're gonna do.
430
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,167
We're gonna take everything
that's left...
431
00:19:56,202 --> 00:19:57,866
That includes
everything.
432
00:19:57,901 --> 00:20:01,132
...and dump it
in a stranger's yard.
433
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,067
[IMITATING PARROT]
What if someone sees us?
434
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:04,734
[SQUAWKS]
435
00:20:07,234 --> 00:20:08,683
Just mutter something in German.
436
00:20:08,718 --> 00:20:10,133
We'll blame it on the Schultzes.
437
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,501
Right, Dad.
438
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,699
Now, Peg...
439
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,601
have you learned
anything this time?
440
00:20:16,636 --> 00:20:18,732
No.
441
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:20,699
Then I'll
explain it to you.
442
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:23,417
Peg, you have attended
your last garage sale.
443
00:20:23,452 --> 00:20:26,100
See, pookie, we're broke,
and you're stupid,
444
00:20:26,135 --> 00:20:27,566
and the combination
445
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,200
just doesn't work out
for the family.
446
00:20:29,235 --> 00:20:30,965
Peg, don't you realize
447
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,400
that we don't need
all this stuff
448
00:20:32,435 --> 00:20:33,666
to be miserable?
449
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:35,367
We've got each other.
450
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:40,499
Oh, Al,
I know you're right.
451
00:20:40,534 --> 00:20:44,032
I know I have to stop,
but I can't.
452
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:46,634
It's like that stuff
just beckons to me,
453
00:20:46,669 --> 00:20:48,651
and I feel
like I have to buy.
454
00:20:48,686 --> 00:20:51,026
And yet you never
feel the need
455
00:20:51,061 --> 00:20:53,367
to cook a meal
or wash a sock.
456
00:20:53,402 --> 00:20:56,532
Hey, what am I, sick?
457
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,834
All right, Peg,
let's start clean.
458
00:20:58,869 --> 00:21:01,400
Clean garage,
clean yard,
459
00:21:01,435 --> 00:21:03,067
separate beds.
460
00:21:03,102 --> 00:21:04,098
I know!
461
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:05,234
We'll even start eating.
462
00:21:05,269 --> 00:21:06,432
[CHANGE RATTLING]
463
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:09,934
Honey, I'm going
to give you $10.
464
00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,632
Now, I want you to buy.
465
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,199
No animal heads
or paintings
466
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:18,834
or Hoss Cartwright
ceramic memorial hats.
467
00:21:18,869 --> 00:21:20,599
Just food.
468
00:21:20,634 --> 00:21:22,868
Do you think you can
do that, pookie?
469
00:21:22,903 --> 00:21:25,532
I can do it, Al.
470
00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,367
I've bought
other things.
471
00:21:27,402 --> 00:21:30,868
I can buy food!
472
00:21:36,601 --> 00:21:40,033
Al, you're looking
at a whole new Peggy!
473
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:44,901
Maybe this one won't be able
to find her way home.
474
00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:49,634
Must buy food.
Must buy food.
475
00:21:49,669 --> 00:21:51,418
I must buy food.
476
00:21:51,453 --> 00:21:53,193
I'm gonna buy food.
477
00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:55,564
I'm gonna buy food.
478
00:21:55,599 --> 00:21:57,901
I'm gonna buy... food.
479
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,334
Buy me.
480
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,033
No.
481
00:22:08,068 --> 00:22:09,998
Buy me.
482
00:22:10,033 --> 00:22:12,634
I have to buy food!
483
00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:19,117
Buy me.
484
00:22:19,152 --> 00:22:21,560
Well...
485
00:22:21,595 --> 00:22:23,968
okay.
486
00:22:38,133 --> 00:22:41,033
[***]1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,667
[***]
2
00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:22,567
Hey, didn't I just pay bills
last month?
3
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,367
Just the ones
stamped "final notice."
4
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:31,400
This month we're doing the ones
5
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,367
personally delivered
by the sheriff.
6
00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:36,000
Where's your mother?
7
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,501
She said
she couldn't watch this.
8
00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:39,033
It depresses her.
9
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:42,033
So she took your wallet,
and she went shopping.
10
00:01:42,033 --> 00:01:43,634
But if that damn woman
isn't here,
11
00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:45,300
who am I supposed to yell at?
12
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,234
She left this.
13
00:01:50,234 --> 00:01:51,801
Go ahead, Dad.
14
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:56,067
Yeow!
15
00:01:56,067 --> 00:02:00,367
Who could run up
a $260 phone bill?
16
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:05,267
PEGGY:
I'm sorry, Al.
17
00:02:05,267 --> 00:02:06,901
I made a mistake.
18
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,934
It'll never happen
again.
19
00:02:08,934 --> 00:02:10,701
[GRUMBLES]
20
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:12,100
All right.
21
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,601
Yikes!
22
00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:18,767
A hundred and sixty dollars
for a haircut and a manicure?
23
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:21,000
I can explain
that one.
24
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,467
You better!
25
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:24,467
It was just
a one-time thing,
26
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:27,767
and it'll never
happen again.
27
00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:29,200
All right.
28
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:32,968
Aah!
29
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:36,501
Who spent $50
on a tape recorder?
30
00:02:36,501 --> 00:02:38,501
Oh, Al,
I'll never do that--
31
00:02:38,501 --> 00:02:40,133
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
32
00:02:40,133 --> 00:02:41,634
Hello?
33
00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:43,400
Oh, hi, Mom.
34
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,300
No, I'm just putting
a tape together
35
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:48,067
for that idiot husband
of mine.
36
00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:49,934
Oops.
37
00:02:49,934 --> 00:02:51,334
Erase that, Kelly.
38
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:54,100
KELLY:
I will, Mom.
39
00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:58,367
PEG:
Don't forget, now.
40
00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:00,000
KELLY:
I said I will.
41
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,767
What do I look like,
an idiot?
42
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:05,734
[CLICK]
43
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:08,300
Hey, I'm gonna do it.
44
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:12,868
Ahh!
45
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:15,100
Well, that's done.
46
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,467
Now, let's see what's left
47
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:19,334
to go into
the old savings account.
48
00:03:19,334 --> 00:03:22,033
Hey, a big nickel.
49
00:03:22,033 --> 00:03:24,734
See, kids, one day,
all that will be yours.
50
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:26,767
I said one day!
51
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:31,767
Dad, I hate to be the fly
in your Preparation H,
52
00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:34,000
but, uh...
53
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,000
you missed a bill.
54
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,033
You know, Daddy,
55
00:03:37,033 --> 00:03:38,267
you should do
what Mom says:
56
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,067
you should marry somebody
who's got a job.
57
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:41,567
Didn't your mom
ever tell you that?
58
00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:42,567
No, honey.
59
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:43,968
My mom told me
to marry an anchor
60
00:03:43,968 --> 00:03:46,033
and cling to it
as it sinks to the bottom.
61
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,300
Chicko's Storage?
62
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,334
What the hell
is Chicko's Storage?
63
00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:51,634
Our storage bin.
64
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,334
What the hell
do you mean,
storage bin?
65
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,901
Nobody told me
about a storage bin.
66
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,200
What could we possibly
put in a storage bin?
67
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,634
Thanks, Adolfo!
68
00:03:59,634 --> 00:04:01,968
Just put the rest
in the storage bin!
69
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,300
Oh.
70
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,534
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
71
00:04:06,534 --> 00:04:08,267
Hi, honey.
72
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,067
Hi, pookie.
73
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,734
What you got there?
74
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:15,567
Uh...
75
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,901
it's a boar's head.
76
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:20,501
I know, but what do you have
behind your back?
77
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:27,367
No, I saw it, Daddy.
78
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,734
It is a boar's head.
79
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,434
Rest, honey.
80
00:04:33,601 --> 00:04:35,434
Peg, why did you buy
a boar's head?
81
00:04:35,434 --> 00:04:38,868
Well, if you must know,
it aroused me.
82
00:04:38,868 --> 00:04:41,067
Glassy eyes,
stuffing for brains,
83
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:43,367
nothing below the neck.
84
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:47,367
Nail it to a toilet bowl,
it could be you.
85
00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:49,567
No, it couldn't,
'cause unlike me,
86
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:53,801
someone loved him enough
to put a bullet in his head.
87
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,300
I can't live like this.
88
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,167
I already got a dog
and three leeches.
89
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:05,200
What am I gonna do
with a boar's head?
90
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,267
All right.
91
00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:08,367
Kids, take that thing
to the garage.
92
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,300
All right. Let's go.
93
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,634
No, no, no, no!
94
00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:13,868
The boar's head.
95
00:05:13,868 --> 00:05:15,100
You gotta be
96
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,968
a little bit more
specific, Mom, because--
97
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:19,133
Yeah, I mean, usually
when you say "that thing,"
98
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,934
you mean Dad.
I know.
99
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:22,033
Peg, this has got to stop.
100
00:05:22,033 --> 00:05:23,901
Oh...
101
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:27,000
I'll do with that thing
what I should've done to you
after the wedding:
102
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,400
strap it to the hood of my car,
take it back to the woods
where it belongs.
103
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,067
You can't take it back.
104
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,667
I got it at a yard sale.
105
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,801
Peg, don't you know
106
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,234
the things you buy
at a yard sale
107
00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:37,467
are just junk?
108
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:38,834
No, they're not.
109
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:42,000
That's where I got
your reading glasses,
110
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,868
and the brake linings
for your car
111
00:05:44,868 --> 00:05:47,701
and antibiotics for the kids.
112
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:52,267
Besides, you buy a lot
of worthless junk, too,
113
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,167
like your bowling ball.
114
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,467
Peg, I go bowling.
115
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:58,567
You don't go boaring.
116
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,067
Well, once every
couple of months I do.
117
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,100
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
118
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,033
Yoo-hoo! It's me!
119
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,033
See, Peg,
120
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:10,300
this is why I tell you,
lock the door.
121
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:13,234
Peggy, the most wonderful thing
happened.
122
00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:14,467
I have a date.
123
00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:15,734
Oh!
124
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:16,901
Al!
125
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:19,334
Marcy has a date!
126
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:21,300
Gee, they must be
selling parkas in hell
127
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,601
right now.
128
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:27,634
Well, we can only hope
your dad can afford one.
129
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:28,901
So, what's he like?
130
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:30,133
Is he tall? Is he rich?
131
00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:31,300
Is he sighted?
132
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,567
Al, Pick a hole
in your head
133
00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:38,834
and stick your finger
in it.
134
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:40,734
Grownups are talking.
135
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,834
Peggy, my mistake was
looking for a man to love,
136
00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:46,767
when all I really needed
was a man to hurt.
137
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:49,801
I think I found him.
He's perfect.
138
00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,434
Are you going to
have sex with him?
139
00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,467
Well, you heard her say
she wants to hurt him.
140
00:07:00,534 --> 00:07:02,267
Anyway, this is not
something I'd admit
141
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,934
in front of a man,
142
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,968
but I'm a little nervous
about this sex thing.
143
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,968
It's been
a long time.
144
00:07:07,968 --> 00:07:09,767
Three months.
145
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:13,400
[LAUGHS]
146
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,968
I could do three months
standing on my head.
147
00:07:17,601 --> 00:07:19,300
I'm just so used
to Steve.
148
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,901
It was his
one strength.
149
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:23,267
Well, that
and show tune trivia.
150
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:26,801
But what if this guy's
no good at all?
151
00:07:26,801 --> 00:07:29,234
Well, you've come
to the right place.
152
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,167
I'll tell you,
153
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:34,067
the most important thing
the first few times
154
00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:35,067
is to make them feel
155
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,367
like they're doing
a good job,
156
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:38,000
even when they're not.
157
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,968
You know,
I say things like,
158
00:07:39,968 --> 00:07:42,400
"Oh, honey, I wasn't
laughing at you.
159
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,334
I was just thinking
of a joke."
160
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:48,667
Oh, or, "You know,
when it's the real thing,
161
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:51,367
it only has to take
but a minute."
162
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,801
Oh, and you should always
keep a little cup of water
163
00:07:53,801 --> 00:07:55,534
by the side of the bed,
164
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:57,000
sort of
sprinkle your brow.
165
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,968
He'll really think
you're into it.
166
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:01,667
I've gotten a few
"suffer, baby's"
167
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:03,200
from Al
with that one.
168
00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:06,968
Oh, and then...
169
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:11,033
if you have
a free hand,
170
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,100
which I always do,
171
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,334
you wanna just sort of
reach over to the clock
172
00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:17,200
and move it forward.
173
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,367
It's a good
confidence builder.
174
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,033
And always...
175
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:26,567
practice moaning
to cover up your yawns.
176
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:29,934
You know, I guess
what I'm saying is,
177
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:31,367
you've just gotta
leave the man
178
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,901
with something.
179
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,234
Peg, you forgot
about your best secret move:
180
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:39,534
you know, spitting Cracker Jacks
while you shout instructions.
181
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:42,467
Oh, and the passionate
182
00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:44,100
"Remember, tomorrow's
garbage day"
183
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,601
at just that right moment.
184
00:08:46,601 --> 00:08:51,367
See, I can't speak for all men,
but that turns me into a tiger.
185
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,901
Dad, there's no more room
left in the garage.
186
00:08:55,901 --> 00:08:58,801
I had to take this out
to get the boar's head in.
187
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:00,334
Hey, look what else Mom bought.
188
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:03,200
A collection
of Danish Dames magazines.
189
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,367
Hey! That's not mine.
190
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:12,567
How-- How the heck
did those get in there?
191
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:16,100
Damn vandals
must have left them.
192
00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:17,534
I'll make sure
193
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:19,934
they're put in the trash
where they belong.
194
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,133
Idiot.
195
00:09:22,634 --> 00:09:23,968
Peg, what's this?
196
00:09:23,968 --> 00:09:25,734
Oh, that's an ashtray
197
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:27,501
that teaches you
geography.
198
00:09:30,734 --> 00:09:33,100
That way you can smoke
and learn.
199
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,901
What a find!
200
00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:36,267
Where'd you get it?
201
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,934
Hampee's garage sale.
202
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:39,300
How could I
have missed it?
203
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,634
I was there
when they opened.
204
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:42,534
Did you see
the three-legged chair?
205
00:09:42,534 --> 00:09:44,067
Got it.
Damn!
206
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:46,100
You know,
the only thing better
207
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,467
than going to
a good garage sale
208
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,934
is having your own.
209
00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:50,400
When I was
a little girl--
210
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,868
Oh, help me!
211
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:55,434
We'd have a garage sale
every summer.
212
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:56,801
My mother
would sell anything:
213
00:09:56,801 --> 00:09:59,634
old lamp shades,
record albums,
214
00:09:59,634 --> 00:10:01,534
the training bra
off my back.
215
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,434
What were you, about 25?
216
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:05,901
I was 13
217
00:10:05,901 --> 00:10:08,701
and making more money
than you.
218
00:10:11,267 --> 00:10:14,367
Anyway, our garage sales
were always a big success.
219
00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:16,567
We made $500 once.
220
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:19,133
My personal stuff
was the biggest seller.
221
00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:22,100
I guess when you see
a little girl cry
222
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:24,501
as strangers pry
her cherished belongings
223
00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:25,934
out of her hands,
224
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,534
people think
they're getting a real bargain.
225
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:31,234
Why, the big 50 cents
they got for my dog Chester
226
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:33,601
helped pay for that weekend
in the mountains
227
00:10:33,601 --> 00:10:36,100
my parents took without me.
228
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,167
But I guess I would have been
a real downer,
229
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:39,234
you know, screaming,
230
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:40,901
"Chester, Chester,
please come home.
231
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:44,033
I can't live without you."
232
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:46,167
I don't think about it much...
233
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:49,667
except for the times
when I wake up screaming.
234
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:59,033
Five hundred dollars,
you say?
235
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:04,100
Marcy just gave me a great idea.
236
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:06,067
Peg, scrape the dog doody
off the grass.
237
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,267
The Bundys
are having a yard sale.
238
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,767
Al, I can't believe
you're doing this.
239
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,133
You're selling
my life's work.
240
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:32,300
Not your whole life's work.
241
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,734
I'm keeping my knotted bowels.
242
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:37,801
Dad, what's the price
on this?
243
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:38,868
Mm, 10 cents.
244
00:11:38,868 --> 00:11:39,868
Winky?
245
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:41,033
You can't sell Winky.
246
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,367
Pookie, Winky's dead.
247
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,968
Why would you buy
a dead bird?
248
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:44,968
Well, they said
249
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,901
he could speak
over 100 words.
250
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:48,367
Okay, make it a quarter, son.
251
00:11:51,033 --> 00:11:52,267
How much, Dad?
252
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:53,634
Oh, no.
253
00:11:53,634 --> 00:11:55,567
You can't sell this painting.
It's unique.
254
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:59,200
It's Paris Seen Through
the Eyes of a Dead Man.
255
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:03,167
Kids, tie your mommy up.
256
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:06,501
Al, I have spent 10 years
amassing these treasures
257
00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:08,534
from the four corners
of the block.
258
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:09,901
How can you--
259
00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:11,267
How can you
sell these things
260
00:12:11,267 --> 00:12:12,834
when there's all that
useless stuff
261
00:12:12,834 --> 00:12:14,234
in the house?
262
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,133
You know, there's
a vacuum and a stove
263
00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:18,901
and your side of the bed,
264
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:20,501
your second pair
of underwear...
265
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:22,767
Begone, woman.
266
00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:24,667
You stink.
267
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,534
Kids...
268
00:12:28,534 --> 00:12:29,968
did you put the ad
in the paper?
269
00:12:29,968 --> 00:12:32,000
Mm-hmm.
Signs around
the neighborhood?
270
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,901
BOTH: Mm-hmm.
Thumbtacks
in the street
271
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:36,033
so the cars will get a flat
in front of the house?
272
00:12:36,033 --> 00:12:37,033
Yup.
273
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,534
[TIRE POPS, AIR HISSING]
274
00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:42,367
We're open
for business.
275
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:49,901
Yep.
276
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:52,200
Open for business.
277
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,167
Look, honey!
A parrot!
278
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:57,334
Hi, pretty bird.
279
00:12:57,334 --> 00:12:59,067
[SQUAWKS]
280
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,267
Take me home.
281
00:13:02,267 --> 00:13:06,734
I wanna be
part of your family.
282
00:13:06,734 --> 00:13:08,701
I love you.
283
00:13:08,701 --> 00:13:10,067
[SQUAWKS]
284
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,000
Excuse me.
285
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,167
Isn't that you
talking?
286
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,701
How dare you
come into my own yard
287
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:17,934
and accuse me of
passing myself off
for a dead bird?
288
00:13:17,934 --> 00:13:20,601
Look, we're sorry,
uh...
289
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,334
How much?
290
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,934
[DEEP VOICE]
And I'll take this,
291
00:13:25,934 --> 00:13:27,834
and this, and this.
292
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,334
Oh, my.
293
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:33,033
What can I do for you?
294
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:35,067
How much
for this wagon wheel?
295
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:36,767
Twenty-five cents.
296
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,033
That's ridiculous.
297
00:13:38,033 --> 00:13:39,667
I'll give you
50 cents.
298
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:43,501
No, my daddy says 25.
299
00:13:43,501 --> 00:13:46,901
Bud, you notice anything
unusual over there?
300
00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:48,601
Which do you mean, Dad?
301
00:13:48,601 --> 00:13:49,968
Mom dressed like
an idiot,
302
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:53,000
or Kelly for the first time
using the word "no."
303
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,501
And I'd like this,
and this, and this.
304
00:14:01,501 --> 00:14:02,968
Dad, I got
a live one here.
305
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,434
She'll buy anything.
306
00:14:04,434 --> 00:14:06,167
Watch.
307
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:07,567
Twenty dollars.
308
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:08,901
I'll take it.
309
00:14:08,901 --> 00:14:11,667
What an idiot.
310
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,801
Kelly, go change
the newspaper
311
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:15,734
under the dead parrot's
cage.
312
00:14:15,734 --> 00:14:18,334
I'll handle this.
313
00:14:18,334 --> 00:14:19,968
Soak her, daddy.
314
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:23,000
Winky's waiting,
honey.
315
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,634
Hello, Peg.
316
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,334
Hi, Al--
317
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,067
[DEEP VOICE] I mean, uh...
318
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,601
Hello, mister.
319
00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:34,167
[CLANKING]
320
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:35,501
Peg...
321
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:36,834
the cow bell.
322
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:42,701
You stink.
323
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,367
Burger?
324
00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:50,133
Yeah, I'll have
a couple.
325
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:57,834
Son...
326
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,467
Have I told you
not to marry?
327
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,133
Yeah, Dad.
328
00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:04,901
Good. That's good.
329
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:07,868
Have I told you
330
00:15:07,868 --> 00:15:09,968
not to be
a shoe salesman?
331
00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:12,000
Yeah, Dad.
332
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,567
I guess I've told you
everything I know, then.
333
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:18,300
Son, what do you
wanna be
334
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:19,901
when you grow up?
335
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,000
Well, I was--
336
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,767
Yeah, I wanted to be
a football player.
337
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:24,400
Now I just wanna be
like him.
338
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:28,133
Sure, you have to eat
a bowl full of
339
00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:30,501
the private parts
of horses, but...
340
00:15:30,501 --> 00:15:32,501
then you go to the bathroom
on the lawn,
341
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:35,801
and somebody says
you did good.
342
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,133
That's all I wanted:
343
00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:42,734
to lie in the sun,
to run in the grass,
344
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:44,400
to see a good-looking
bitch
345
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,467
through a chain-link
fence...
346
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:52,200
Ah, what's the use?
It'll never happen, so...
347
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:57,000
* A dog is an animal
With big, floppy ears *
348
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,234
[SOBBING] Oh, God.
349
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:02,067
What's with Dad?
350
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,701
He's having
the dog dream again.
351
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:08,767
Good boy!
352
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:11,834
You know,
I can't understand
353
00:16:11,834 --> 00:16:13,334
why we can't sell
any of this junk.
354
00:16:13,334 --> 00:16:15,033
Well, honey, see,
lawn sales are based
355
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:16,400
on the Bigger Idiot
theory.
356
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,667
You know,
nothing's so dumb
357
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:18,901
that some bigger idiot
358
00:16:18,901 --> 00:16:20,734
won't come along
and buy it,
359
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:22,100
but the flaw
in that theory is
360
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,634
that eventually you get
to the head idiot.
361
00:16:27,701 --> 00:16:31,901
And, uh,
you call her "Mom."
362
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:33,667
So what do we do, Dad?
363
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,367
Give up
and become Sanford and Son?
364
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:41,000
No. I'll think
of something.
365
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,567
Remember
the Bundy credo:
366
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:46,200
"a Bundy never wins,
but a Bundy never quits."
367
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,501
No, Dad, it's
"a Bundy never eats."
368
00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:51,667
No, no, no,
it's "a Bundy never learns."
369
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:54,267
Wait, isn't it
"a Bundy never dies"?
370
00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:55,767
No, "a Bundy never cares."
371
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,033
Shut up, the two of you.
Shut up, the two of you.
372
00:16:58,033 --> 00:17:00,734
Just give me one minute
to think about this.
373
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:01,868
and I'll think
374
00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:04,334
of a brilliant way
to get us out of this.
375
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,000
Ho, ho, ho!
376
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,567
Welcome to Bundyland,
the happiest place on earth!
377
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,834
Having fun?
378
00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:19,501
This reeks.
379
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,968
Just pet the damn dog.
380
00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:24,400
[GROWLS]
381
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:31,267
Bud, how we doing
on the Wheel o' Fun?
382
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:37,000
Great, Dad.
383
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,834
Hold on tight.
384
00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:45,968
[GRINDER ORGAN
PLAYING CIRCUS TUNE]
385
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,267
Why do men treat me
like I'm stupid?
386
00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:56,501
[IMITATING PARROT]
Beats the hell
out of me.
387
00:17:57,968 --> 00:17:59,534
They treat me
that way too.
388
00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:01,701
Maybe it's because we're blond.
389
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:03,000
[SQUAWKS]
390
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,567
Hey, P.T. Barnum.
391
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:08,634
So, you didn't think
I could get a guy, huh?
392
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:15,000
Well, I did, and he can't wait
to get his hands on me.
393
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,868
But I made him
stop here first
394
00:18:16,868 --> 00:18:19,501
so you could see
what a real man looks like.
395
00:18:19,501 --> 00:18:20,934
Check him out.
396
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,801
The best thing
about him
397
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:31,901
is that he's
a one-woman man.
398
00:18:31,901 --> 00:18:33,067
Then that
must be her now.
399
00:18:34,868 --> 00:18:36,434
Roland, get back here.
400
00:18:36,434 --> 00:18:40,200
When I buy a guy dinner,
I expect something for it!
401
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:46,501
Ahh...
402
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:49,701
Al...
403
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,601
I'm so depressed.
404
00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:52,901
Welcome to Bundyland,
405
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:55,334
the depressingest place
on earth.
406
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,234
I was just over at
the Friedmans' garage sale
407
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,667
down the block.
408
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:00,133
You know
what they're saying?
409
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,000
"Why does your husband
go on living?"
410
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,200
No, no one knows
I'm married.
411
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:08,734
They're saying
that all my stuff,
412
00:19:08,734 --> 00:19:10,501
my treasures
413
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,267
are junk.
414
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:14,234
Peg, I've been
telling you that!
415
00:19:14,234 --> 00:19:15,868
Yeah, but these are
strangers.
416
00:19:15,868 --> 00:19:17,968
I care what they think.
417
00:19:17,968 --> 00:19:21,334
Oh, Al, I've failed me.
418
00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:26,634
As usual, I can see
that you're making it big.
419
00:19:26,634 --> 00:19:29,067
All right, everybody,
family meeting.
420
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,334
Kids...
421
00:19:33,334 --> 00:19:35,334
it is with a heavy heart
that I have to report
422
00:19:35,334 --> 00:19:36,467
that Bundyland
423
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:38,133
is a complete
and total failure.
424
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:41,667
A first for anything
named Bundy.
425
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:42,934
Gee, I wish it could be
426
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:46,801
like one of them
big wanker hoedowns.
427
00:19:46,801 --> 00:19:49,067
You know, where everybody
gathers around the still
428
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:52,100
and they play spin-the-cousin.
429
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,033
Now, here's
what we're gonna do.
430
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,167
We're gonna take everything
that's left--
431
00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:57,901
That includes
everything.
432
00:19:57,901 --> 00:20:01,167
--and dump it
in a stranger's yard.
433
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,067
[IMITATING PARROT]
What if someone sees us?
434
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:04,734
[SQUAWKS]
435
00:20:07,234 --> 00:20:08,734
Just mutter something in German.
436
00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:10,133
We'll blame it on the Schultzes.
437
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:11,501
Right, Dad.
438
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,734
Now, Peg...
439
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,601
have you learned
anything this time?
440
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:18,767
No.
441
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:20,734
Then I'll
explain it to you.
442
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:23,267
Peg, you have attended
your last garage sale.
443
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:26,100
See, pookie, we're broke,
and you're stupid,
444
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,601
and the combination
445
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,200
just doesn't work out
for the family.
446
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,000
Peg, don't you realize
447
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,400
that we don't need
all this stuff
448
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,701
to be miserable?
449
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:35,367
We've got each other.
450
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:40,534
Oh, Al,
I know you're right.
451
00:20:40,534 --> 00:20:44,067
I know I have to stop,
but I can't.
452
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:46,634
It's like that stuff
just beckons to me,
453
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:49,267
and I feel
like I have to buy.
454
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:50,634
And yet you never
feel the need
455
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:53,367
to cook a meal
or wash a sock.
456
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:56,567
Hey, what am I, sick?
457
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,834
All right, Peg,
let's start clean.
458
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:01,400
Clean garage,
clean yard,
459
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,067
separate beds.
460
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:04,133
I know!
461
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:05,234
We'll even start eating.
462
00:21:05,234 --> 00:21:06,467
[CHANGE RATTLING]
463
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:09,934
Honey, I'm going
to give you $10.
464
00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:11,667
Now, I want you to buy.
465
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,234
No animal heads
or paintings
466
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:18,834
or Hoss Cartwright
ceramic memorial hats.
467
00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:20,634
Just food.
468
00:21:20,634 --> 00:21:22,868
Do you think you can
do that, pookie?
469
00:21:22,868 --> 00:21:25,567
I can do it, Al.
470
00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,367
I've bought
other things.
471
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:30,868
I can buy food!
472
00:21:36,601 --> 00:21:40,033
Al, you're looking
at a whole new Peggy!
473
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:44,901
Maybe this one won't be able
to find her way home.
474
00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:49,634
Must buy food.
Must buy food.
475
00:21:49,634 --> 00:21:51,367
I must buy food.
476
00:21:51,367 --> 00:21:53,167
I'm gonna buy food.
477
00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:54,934
I'm gonna buy food.
478
00:21:54,934 --> 00:21:57,901
I'm gonna buy...food.
479
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,334
Buy me.
480
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:07,234
No.
481
00:22:07,234 --> 00:22:10,033
Buy me.
482
00:22:10,033 --> 00:22:12,634
I have to buy food!
483
00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:18,467
Buy me.
484
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:21,968
Well...
485
00:22:21,968 --> 00:22:23,968
okay.
486
00:22:38,133 --> 00:22:41,033
[***]1
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:21,597
And today, on And Yet It Lived,
meet Simeon Pathetica...
2
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,792
...an ape that even ev olution
passed by.
3
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,270
Note the stooped shoulders
and the dull, blank look.
4
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:47,908
- Can I have your autograph?
- Not today, Peg, I got some big news.
5
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,470
You know how I'm always digging
in my ear with the point of a pencil?
6
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,711
- Oh, my, this is good news.
- You betcha.
7
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,831
Well, today, purely by accident...
8
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,953
...I found out that I was using
the wrong end of the pencil.
9
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,393
I discovered that if you turn it around
and take off the eraser...
10
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,513
...you can get a real kind of
suction action going.
11
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,475
Get a load of this, honey.
12
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,436
But, honey, it still has
an eraser on it.
13
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,513
That's not an eraser.
14
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,954
Oh, my God.
15
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,918
- What's for supper?
- What would you like?
16
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,350
I'd like a nice, juicy steak.
17
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,269
Why, that's just waiting for you
on the table.
18
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:51,270
Made you look, made you look.
Al, you'll never learn.
19
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,630
So, honey, I was thinking.
20
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,593
Don't you think we need
a little savings account?
21
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,997
You know, like any
moderately successful 13-year-old?
22
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,351
Hey, don't kid yourself.
I got plenty of money saved up.
23
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,790
Well, it doesn't matter,
you're not getting any.
24
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,150
I'm gonna get me a Big Boy
socket-wrench set.
25
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,078
Man, it's gonna be great.
26
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:17,319
I can go around this house and tighten
more nuts than you did in high school.
27
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,996
Yes, and I have the trophies
to prove it.
28
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,039
Anyway, Al, I've got some news...
29
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,800
...and I've been waiting for the right...
- Wait, hold it.
30
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,912
I'll bet that's some of the guys
wanting to see my eraser.
31
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:42,430
Al, Peggy, we have
a little announcement.
32
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,679
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
33
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,955
Oh, Marcie, that's great.
You're kidding?
34
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,515
Yep, yep, yep.
I knew it right away too.
35
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,870
You know how when Michael Jordan's
in the air...
36
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,116
...he just knows he'll do
something special?
37
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,233
Well, I had the same feeling
when I approached the hoop.
38
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,399
There was no blocking that shot,
eh, baby?
39
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:15,954
- Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al?
- Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.
40
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,631
- Don't you have anything to say to me?
- Oh, sure.
41
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,752
You're a dead man. It's all over.
42
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,316
Today is the first day
of the end of your life.
43
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,955
Hey, I'm looking forward
to being a father.
44
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,312
To hear my child say its first words,
take its first steps.
45
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,512
Yeah, keep that in mind when you're
at the newsstand at 3 a. m...
46
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,190
...praying they'll be asleep before you
get home with your copy of Heinie.
47
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,951
What a grand jest.
48
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:59,551
Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out
of the house and I'll be free, free, free.
49
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,875
Except for her.
50
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:07,071
God, I feel great. I'm almost happy.
Let me revel in it.
51
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:10,829
- I think this is a good time to tell you...
- No, not now, babe.
52
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,632
Once my kids leave the house...
53
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,798
...l'll finally be able to do
what every man is supposed to do.
54
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,752
I can watch TV.
55
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,598
I can...
56
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,075
Well, I don't know,
but it doesn't matter.
57
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,313
It's still better than having
a screaming, crapping...
58
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:35,470
...money-sucking little vampire
bobsledding me to the cemetery.
59
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,148
God, I feel good.
60
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,590
- Honey?
- Yes.
61
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,199
- Guess what.
- What?
62
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,437
I'm pregnant too.
63
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,117
Oh, Al, hold me.
64
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,790
- How far along are you?
- Five months.
65
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,950
Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice
I was getting fat?
66
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,550
Well, yeah.
67
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,274
- Oh, hold me.
- Well, no, wait a second, stop.
68
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,429
That can't be right. When? Why?
69
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,392
How?
70
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,237
Wait a second.
Let me check my journal.
71
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,270
- Five months ago, you say?
- Oh, Al, isn't it a dream?
72
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,471
It better be.
73
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,074
Let's see, now. April, April...
Here we go, April. Week one:
74
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,589
"Sold shoes, watched TV."
75
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,679
Week two, "Sold shoes,
watched TV, wept."
76
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:02,353
Week three, "Sold shoes,
had a few beers, passed out."
77
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:16,199
"I dreamt I fell in the washing machine,
woke up feeling cheap."
78
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,239
Peg, what in God's green earth
did you do to me?
79
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,350
Well, I couldn't help myself.
80
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,997
You looked so cute trying to pull
your underwear up over your head.
81
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:33,275
- Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
- Peggy, this is so exciting.
82
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:37,837
- We can be pregnant together.
- Yeah, Al, congratulations.
83
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,315
This is great. Gee, our kids'll
grow up together...
84
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,034
...and they'll be old enough
to leave the nest together.
85
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:48,519
Gee, I'll be in my 50s when
that happens, and you'll be, what, 102?
86
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,828
Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful.
87
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,952
The pitter-patter of little feet
after 18 years.
88
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,391
This is truly a joyous day for us all.
89
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,231
What did you do?
90
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,678
Can't you control your animal urges?
91
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,515
Of all the bonehead blunders
a middle-aged man...
92
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,234
...with no income can make.
93
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,231
God, you leave him alone
for one second...
94
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,319
Did you not know the evil implications
of your deed?
95
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:42,834
Bad Daddy. Bad, bad. Bad.
96
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,069
So, Mr. Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50...
97
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,951
...what are we gonna do now?
98
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,752
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
99
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,798
We'll be living off
the scraps of scraps.
100
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,878
Slipping in puddles of baby juice.
101
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,629
Our home and our clothes
smelling of the befouled buttocks...
102
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,355
...of a child born
out of middle-aged lust.
103
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,874
Oh, shame.
104
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:15,718
As if what you did wasn't bad enough,
but with our mother, for God's sake.
105
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:23,471
Well, this is one fine " How you doing?
Fine, thank you."
106
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:30,399
- Hi, kids. Did Daddy tell you the news?
- Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.
107
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,909
Happy, happy.
108
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,914
Now, kids, I don't want you
to be jealous of the baby...
109
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,997
...because I'll always
have time for you.
110
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,715
After all, you were my first.
111
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,271
I was your first.
112
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,356
Really? Oh, well.
What's important now is the baby.
113
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,709
- Did you congratulate your father?
- Oh, sure.
114
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,388
- Way to go, Dad. You sure know.
- Yeah. Oh, you...
115
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,115
- You old dog. You old...
- That's great. It's just fabulous.
116
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,117
Well, I don't know about anybody else,
but I've got a hankering...
117
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,914
...for a nice cream-cheese-
and-coffee-grind sandwich.
118
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,836
- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
119
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,996
- You stink.
- You stink.
120
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,360
Do you think it's safe for Mom
to have a baby at her age?
121
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,710
I mean, what is she, a million?
122
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,515
All right. Now, listen up, everyone.
Just because I'm pregnant...
123
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,712
...I don't want you to think
I'm gonna be demanding or anything.
124
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,559
Your lives won't change a bit.
125
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:42,955
"And here's a picture of Mr. Rooster.
'Cock-a-doodle-doo."'
126
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,270
Honey, not to me, to the baby.
127
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:55,677
"And the duck went 'quack, quack.'
And the dog went 'bow-wow.'
128
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,348
- And the family went to..."
- Excuse me, honey.
129
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,598
What, are you guys on vacation?
Rub, rub.
130
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,112
Thanks for everything,
Johnny Appleseed.
131
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,637
Bundy, Bundy.
132
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,197
Bundy, you're gonna be a superstar!
Just don't blow it, kid.
133
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,109
Come on, coach.
What could possibly stop me?
134
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,197
Hi, honey.
135
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:42,110
- Oh, Al, are you as happy as I am?
- Well, how could I be?
136
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,079
Well, you should be happy.
It's your baby too.
137
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:49,239
Oh, happy, I thought you said
am I as heavy as you are.
138
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:54,313
Now, stop teasing me.
You can barely tell that I'm pregnant.
139
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,114
Get over there.
140
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,717
Bologna and Miracle Whip.
Want some?
141
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:11,709
Gee, Al, I don't know about you,
but I'm horny as hell.
142
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:16,153
Well, so am I, but you don't see me
bothering you with it, do you?
143
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,188
Oh, come on, Al.
144
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:23,598
If you don't, the baby won't see you fail
till you take it to work.
145
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:32,192
That was a good one, wasn't it? Yes.
We got Daddy good, huh?
146
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,392
So, what do you say, Al?
Are you ready?
147
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,353
Oh, sure, I'm all afire.
148
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,632
I don't know what turns me on more...
149
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,195
...that sexy failure talk
or the bologna shrapnel...
150
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,312
...hitting me in the eye
at 90 miles an hour.
151
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:55,274
Oh, all right, you big sissy.
We don't have to do it.
152
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,153
- Good night.
- Good night.
153
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,392
Jeez.
154
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:05,995
- AI?
- What?
155
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,952
Let's talk about the baby.
156
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,073
Why, did he do something cute?
157
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,949
You have a terrible attitude.
I am not talking to you anymore.
158
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,277
You stink. Good night.
159
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,032
Al?
160
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,840
What should we name the baby?
161
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,036
The Reaper?
162
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,188
Well, what if it's a boy?
163
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,795
Well, we could name it
after my father.
164
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,912
I don't wanna name it Town Drunk.
165
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,275
Well, then don't ask me.
166
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,430
- AI, can we afford this baby?
- No.
167
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,952
I didn't think so.
Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.
168
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,237
Good night.
169
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,757
- AI, Al, Al.
- AI?
170
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,234
- AI.
- AI?
171
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,351
- AI. Al.
- AI? Al?
172
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,437
What?
173
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,871
Honey, you know,
I was just thinking.
174
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,356
If you wanted to get an extra job,
you know, after the baby was born...
175
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,120
...maybe you could get one
delivering newspapers.
176
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,197
You know how they throw them
on the porch?
177
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,312
You'd be really good at that
because you used to play football.
178
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,431
You remember?
179
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,554
Oh, hi, honey.
You wanna come and join us?
180
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,832
We were talking about breast swell.
181
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,953
Well, congratulations, Marcie,
you finally get to go bra shopping.
182
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,390
Oh, Al, I don't have to tell you...
183
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:12,752
...how much easier it is
to lug around small things.
184
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,314
Now, Al, if you have nothing
to add to the conversation...
185
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:19,953
...just please go sit down.
186
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:25,953
Not here. Can't you see
we're pregnant?
187
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,039
Now, go sit over on the stairs
in case I need something.
188
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,759
This is my home and I will not
be relegated to sitting on stairs.
189
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,716
I go anywhere I want!
Anybody got a problem with that?
190
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,794
You two are on thin ice!
191
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,833
Who are you gonna
tell the baby he is?
192
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,879
Well, for the first 10 years...
193
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:58,356
...Bud and Kelly thought
he was the dim-witted handyman.
194
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,796
So why change what works?
195
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:06,318
Well, at least I have no complaints.
My Jefferson can't do enough for me.
196
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,557
Would you believe, right now,
he is out getting me a pie.
197
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,150
Sometimes he is so good to me
it just brings tears to my eyes.
198
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,239
Well, here it is.
199
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,319
I drove 50 miles holding it up so
the cherries didn't settle on the bottom.
200
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,515
This is not a large.
201
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:29,479
Is this all you think of me?
Is this all you think of your child?
202
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,194
Well, you just march yourself
right back to Wisconsin...
203
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,678
...and get me a real pie, mister,
or you don't love our baby!
204
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:45,878
Okay, honey, I'll be right back
with another pie, you stinking, slimy...
205
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,396
He spoils me so.
206
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,234
Well, my Al spoils me too.
207
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,193
Al, get me some water.
208
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,829
Look, it's Harry Hormone.
209
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,036
Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad?
210
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,638
- Hey, Mom, we made the list.
- Oh, good idea.
211
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,230
I'll have Jefferson make one for me.
What kind of list is it?
212
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:30,399
Well, see, I'm gonna be the best mother
in the world to my new baby...
213
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,751
...so I asked the kids to make a list
of everything they never had...
214
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,669
...so I'll know everything to do
for my little "precious-wecious."
215
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,348
Although, I can't imagine
what they'd put on this list.
216
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,836
I mean, they had everything
they could possibly want as babies.
217
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,589
But let's just see what they thought
they didn't have.
218
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,037
"Milk.
219
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,593
Immunity vaccinations.
220
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:58,952
Love." Oh, you scamps.
221
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:04,589
- "Rednig blicks"?
- That's "reading blocks." I wrote that.
222
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,433
Well, I think that's a good idea.
223
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,832
Bud, why don't you be in charge
of helping the baby with those.
224
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:15,275
Thanks, kids.
225
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,073
Mom, you...
You're just kidding...
226
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,510
...that this kid's gonna get
the stuff we didn't.
227
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,915
I mean, you're gonna love us
all the same, right?
228
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,074
Oh, well, of course I will.
229
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:30,798
We were a family before the baby,
and we'll be a family after the baby.
230
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,237
Now, you're sucking up
all the baby's air.
231
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,431
Go sit with your father.
232
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,358
I was just born to be a mother.
233
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,630
Look how far down
the chain of love we are.
234
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,474
She's got us sitting with him.
235
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:59,912
Oh, what an odious mess we weave
when first we practice to conceive.
236
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,189
Now, kids, I know you think
this is bad for you.
237
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,073
But in a little while, you'll be up
and out of the house...
238
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,157
...and on your own
in just two, three...
239
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,631
...30 years.
240
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,758
So as you can see, the only one
whose life has truly ended is...
241
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,798
...Daddy.
242
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,396
That's true, yeah.
243
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,040
Oh, my God, what have I done?
244
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,480
You still don't know, do you?
245
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,756
Kids, no matter what
the future might bring...
246
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,757
...it's nice to know
that we're a family.
247
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,272
We'll go through things together.
Who'll give me a "Whoa, Bundy"?
248
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,518
What do you want from me?
I wasn't even awake.1
00:01:16,016 --> 00:01:19,531
Last week on Married With Children
Marcy had a little announcement.
2
00:01:19,736 --> 00:01:22,455
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
3
00:01:23,896 --> 00:01:26,456
Al was the first to congratulate
the happy couple.
4
00:01:30,336 --> 00:01:32,486
Yeah, Al was happy until.
5
00:01:32,736 --> 00:01:35,330
I'm pregnant too.
6
00:01:35,536 --> 00:01:38,892
The family rejoiced together.
7
00:01:39,136 --> 00:01:43,129
Bad Daddy. Bad, bad, bad.
8
00:01:43,416 --> 00:01:47,728
As if what you did wasn't bad enough,
but with our mother, for God's sake.
9
00:01:47,936 --> 00:01:51,008
Jefferson is the perfect husband.
10
00:01:52,096 --> 00:01:54,371
Here it is. I drove 50 miles...
11
00:01:54,576 --> 00:01:56,965
...holding it so cherries
didn't settle on the bottom.
12
00:01:57,216 --> 00:01:58,968
And Al couldn't do
enough for Peggy.
13
00:01:59,216 --> 00:02:01,855
Al, get me some water.
14
00:02:05,296 --> 00:02:09,130
And now, " Married With Even
More Children" continues.
15
00:02:15,456 --> 00:02:17,765
Hey, here's something interesting.
16
00:02:17,976 --> 00:02:20,444
For just $49.95...
17
00:02:20,656 --> 00:02:23,454
...us dads can buy "Buckle-on Baby."
18
00:02:24,376 --> 00:02:26,571
You get a 50-pound sack
of fluid on your belly...
19
00:02:26,776 --> 00:02:29,768
...to experience the wonder
of childbearing...
20
00:02:30,256 --> 00:02:34,374
...and the excruciating pain
of a hernia for one low price.
21
00:02:37,016 --> 00:02:42,727
Well, I don't know about you kids, but
I'm really happy about the new baby.
22
00:02:42,936 --> 00:02:45,530
The gods must be on a roll, huh?
23
00:02:45,736 --> 00:02:49,251
Must be playing another round of
"Can you top this?"
24
00:02:49,456 --> 00:02:51,253
One said, "Make him a shoe salesman."
25
00:02:51,456 --> 00:02:53,731
Another said,
"Let's give him a redhead."
26
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:58,845
Another one, probably
a cruel, hung-over God...
27
00:02:59,056 --> 00:03:03,732
...said, " I know, I know, let's have
him not eat, yet not starve."
28
00:03:04,696 --> 00:03:08,132
Yes, Daddy, but the gods showed you
they loved you when they gave you us.
29
00:03:08,336 --> 00:03:10,896
Well, give them gods a Miller.
30
00:03:12,736 --> 00:03:16,092
Could someone please tell me
how this happened?
31
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:21,131
Well, Dad, when the ovum is embedded
securely in the wall of the uterus...
32
00:03:21,336 --> 00:03:24,169
...the sperm, after about
two or three days of swimming...
33
00:03:24,376 --> 00:03:27,652
...if properly positioned,
penetrates the wall of the egg.
34
00:03:28,336 --> 00:03:31,248
And then the stork comes
and it's a baby.
35
00:03:37,656 --> 00:03:40,773
Bud, in all matters,
except vandalism and fashion...
36
00:03:40,976 --> 00:03:44,048
...I want you to be in charge
of educating the baby.
37
00:03:44,656 --> 00:03:47,807
Hey, you did the crime,
you do the time.
38
00:03:48,816 --> 00:03:53,048
God, I feel like Exxon. One spill,
I'm paying for it the rest of my life.
39
00:04:00,256 --> 00:04:02,292
Come on, Daddy,
look on the bright side.
40
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,648
I mean, how long could the rest
of your life be?
41
00:04:06,656 --> 00:04:11,047
Come on, Kel. Can't you see the man's
plotting his next sexcapade?
42
00:04:11,456 --> 00:04:15,085
- Let's finish setting up this intercom.
- What intercom?
43
00:04:15,496 --> 00:04:19,887
The one Mom wants us to put in every
room so you can't have any peace.
44
00:04:20,776 --> 00:04:24,166
Sorry, Daddy, you wet your bed,
now lie in it.
45
00:04:26,216 --> 00:04:30,926
I guess I'll turn on the TV. At least
that can't reproduce. Damn shame.
46
00:04:31,136 --> 00:04:34,014
Thank God I don't have to hear
any more talk about babies.
47
00:04:34,856 --> 00:04:37,131
You're pregnant, Mindy.
48
00:04:37,336 --> 00:04:41,170
What a lovely baby.
Where'd you find it, Hoss?
49
00:04:41,376 --> 00:04:46,006
What's that, Lassie? Our cow just
had a baby and you ate the placenta?
50
00:04:55,856 --> 00:04:58,165
- My baby...
- Her baby...
51
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:03,726
Babies declare war on Lithuania.
52
00:05:05,976 --> 00:05:08,854
God, that's just how I left him.
53
00:05:09,056 --> 00:05:11,650
You will never guess
where we went, Al.
54
00:05:11,856 --> 00:05:14,689
To Madame Rachel,
the baby psychic.
55
00:05:14,896 --> 00:05:16,215
She was amazing.
56
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:19,328
For starters, she knew
that I felt bloated...
57
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:23,165
...had morning sickness,
and that my nipples hurt.
58
00:05:24,296 --> 00:05:27,333
I didn't think
that was possible with innies.
59
00:05:30,856 --> 00:05:34,053
Al, don't you want to hear what
the psychic had to say about our baby?
60
00:05:34,256 --> 00:05:37,726
Please, Peg, can't we hear
more about Marcy's nipples?
61
00:05:38,856 --> 00:05:40,926
Well, gee, Al, if we're so boring...
62
00:05:41,136 --> 00:05:44,048
...then maybe we should talk
about something that interests you.
63
00:05:44,296 --> 00:05:46,127
For starters, let's talk about...
64
00:05:46,336 --> 00:05:51,012
...what goes through your mind at that
exciting moment when you sell a shoe.
65
00:05:52,056 --> 00:05:55,890
I think, " How could someone buy
something so cheap, ugly and stupid?"
66
00:05:56,096 --> 00:06:00,886
Then I think, "Somebody knocked up
my neighbour, so anything's possible."
67
00:06:07,416 --> 00:06:09,566
Oh, yeah, honey,
anything's possible...
68
00:06:09,776 --> 00:06:13,815
...except both of us
being satisfied after sex.
69
00:06:15,216 --> 00:06:18,447
That was a good one, wasn't it?
Yeah, we got your daddy good.
70
00:06:18,656 --> 00:06:20,567
Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.
71
00:06:20,776 --> 00:06:22,971
I don't wanna.
72
00:06:23,176 --> 00:06:26,930
If someone didn't know you, they'd
think you weren't happy about this.
73
00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:32,085
Oh, I'm happy about it. I mean,
after all, it's something we planned for.
74
00:06:33,336 --> 00:06:36,089
Oh, I love the baby.
Everyone loves the baby.
75
00:06:37,976 --> 00:06:40,206
God, I hate the baby.
76
00:06:40,416 --> 00:06:42,293
I hate Mom.
77
00:06:43,456 --> 00:06:46,016
I mean, you can't blame Dad.
He's a stupid animal...
78
00:06:46,216 --> 00:06:49,094
...but Mom knew what she was doing.
79
00:06:50,096 --> 00:06:52,610
Kelly, is that button on?
80
00:06:53,136 --> 00:06:56,685
Of course not.
One says "on" and one says "off."
81
00:06:56,896 --> 00:06:59,808
How stupid do you think I am?
82
00:07:01,776 --> 00:07:05,689
Well, I for one love the baby.
83
00:07:12,176 --> 00:07:16,010
What do you mean?
Why are you poking at me, gnome?
84
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,568
They can hear us?
85
00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:23,649
I "wuv" the baby too.
86
00:07:23,856 --> 00:07:29,169
And I really, really, really love Mom.
Which damn button is on?
87
00:07:29,376 --> 00:07:31,936
Why do they have to
both start with an 0?
88
00:07:34,416 --> 00:07:37,408
And soon there'll be three.
89
00:07:43,376 --> 00:07:48,450
God, I wish Jefferson
was here. Rub my belly.
90
00:07:48,656 --> 00:07:50,533
He's my husband
and he's rubbing my belly.
91
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:54,570
I'm not rubbing any occupied bellies.
I'm a human being.
92
00:08:01,816 --> 00:08:06,332
Oh, yeah, soon I'll be
partying like 1999.
93
00:08:07,616 --> 00:08:10,767
- Isn't this nice?
- You should have Jefferson do this.
94
00:08:10,976 --> 00:08:14,366
You can just feel the fatherhood
flow through you.
95
00:08:14,576 --> 00:08:17,170
Al, I don't feel the fatherhood
flowing through me.
96
00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:21,130
Well, you may not have felt it,
but it's obviously there.
97
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,570
That's not the first time
he's said that to me.
98
00:08:31,056 --> 00:08:34,844
We got him good again.
Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.
99
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,206
I don't wanna.
100
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:40,488
Besides, I don't think you're pregnant.
That's a 10 gallon can...
101
00:08:40,696 --> 00:08:43,051
...of ice cream down there.
102
00:08:44,856 --> 00:08:47,609
Come on, Peg, laugh with the ulcer.
103
00:08:53,016 --> 00:08:57,009
Now, don't make
the baby hate you. Rub.
104
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,085
God, he's depressing.
I want Jefferson.
105
00:09:05,296 --> 00:09:08,208
- So do I.
- So do I.
106
00:09:08,416 --> 00:09:11,374
At least he'll be here soon.
He's out getting me a wave machine.
107
00:09:11,576 --> 00:09:14,295
At the baby expo, at the
"hundred dollar and over" booth...
108
00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:17,249
...we learned that babies
like the sound of water.
109
00:09:17,456 --> 00:09:19,048
Al, I want a wave machine.
110
00:09:19,256 --> 00:09:21,372
I think the baby's
getting plenty of waves...
111
00:09:21,576 --> 00:09:26,331
...with turbulence of the daily arrival
of your four Grand Slam breakfasts.
112
00:09:26,656 --> 00:09:29,728
Have you tried the
Six Corn Dog Special at Bippys?
113
00:09:30,376 --> 00:09:32,765
Every day on the way
to Flap Jack Johnny's.
114
00:09:33,016 --> 00:09:37,009
You ever transport Bippys corndogs
to Johnny's and roll it up in a flapjack?
115
00:09:37,216 --> 00:09:41,926
With the ranch dressing and those
chunky croutons from the salad tub?
116
00:09:42,136 --> 00:09:44,730
- Now, that's eating.
- Now, that's eating.
117
00:09:44,936 --> 00:09:46,892
Peg, Peg, speaking
of eating, I too enjoy...
118
00:09:47,096 --> 00:09:50,213
Less talk. More rub.
119
00:09:53,936 --> 00:09:56,325
So Al, when do I get
my wave machine?
120
00:09:56,536 --> 00:10:00,449
- Not getting one.
- You don't know how much it costs.
121
00:10:00,656 --> 00:10:03,807
I didn't think it was important,
since I'm not getting one.
122
00:10:04,976 --> 00:10:07,854
Al, you don't want Marcy's baby
to be smarter than ours, do you?
123
00:10:08,056 --> 00:10:11,765
Peg, our other kids didn't have a wave
machine and look how they turned out.
124
00:10:12,576 --> 00:10:16,285
Mom, Bud has more
fingers than I do.
125
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:23,249
Honey, did you try
counting on both hands?
126
00:10:25,176 --> 00:10:27,246
Hey.
127
00:10:32,416 --> 00:10:34,372
Not because they
didn't have a wave machine.
128
00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:37,648
That's because your parents
were brother and sister.
129
00:10:40,776 --> 00:10:42,971
That is not true.
130
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:46,805
They just started to look alike
when Mom's hair fell out.
131
00:10:47,896 --> 00:10:52,412
Oh, come on, Al,
I want a wave machine. It's only $329.
132
00:10:52,696 --> 00:10:57,167
Oh, thank you, God, that's exactly
the price of my socket wrench set.
133
00:10:57,376 --> 00:11:00,368
You know, this is amazing.
You are actually gonna tell me...
134
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,694
...you would rather spend money on a
socket set than the fruit of your loins.
135
00:11:04,896 --> 00:11:06,932
You know I had my
heart set on that socket...
136
00:11:07,136 --> 00:11:09,172
- What?
- Oh, Al, now look what you've done.
137
00:11:09,376 --> 00:11:13,494
I'm crying. And so's the baby.
138
00:11:18,056 --> 00:11:20,524
I'm crying too.
139
00:11:20,736 --> 00:11:23,455
I hope you're happy now.
140
00:11:25,056 --> 00:11:28,048
- Rub our bellies!
- Rub our bellies!
141
00:11:31,696 --> 00:11:34,449
Hold it. Enough. Enough.
I'm getting up.
142
00:11:34,656 --> 00:11:36,567
Now you see me going.
143
00:11:36,816 --> 00:11:39,376
Really, Al? You're really going?
144
00:11:39,776 --> 00:11:43,689
Yes, Peg. I'm really going.
145
00:11:48,856 --> 00:11:52,610
Bus for Scranton
now loading, gate 15.
146
00:12:02,336 --> 00:12:04,247
Another one, buddy?
147
00:12:06,496 --> 00:12:09,249
God, what a great place.
148
00:12:09,456 --> 00:12:11,094
I mean, it's genius.
149
00:12:11,296 --> 00:12:14,493
A bar hooked up to the public-address
system at the bus terminal...
150
00:12:14,696 --> 00:12:17,529
...so you don't miss your
connection for leaving your wife.
151
00:12:18,616 --> 00:12:22,894
Don't forget about the cheap bimbos.
They give the place class.
152
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:25,767
- So where you headed, pal?
- I don't know.
153
00:12:25,976 --> 00:12:28,171
Someplace where
there's a lot of girls, no women.
154
00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,008
Oh, L.A.
155
00:12:35,656 --> 00:12:38,614
You might want to use
one of our new instant ID machines.
156
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,852
It's genius.
157
00:12:56,056 --> 00:12:57,728
Hair dye. Get your hair dye.
158
00:12:57,936 --> 00:13:00,814
False moustaches, bulbous noses!
159
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:06,535
Bus to Tacoma now loading,
gate six.
160
00:13:10,936 --> 00:13:14,372
Let her try and find me now.
161
00:13:21,936 --> 00:13:24,086
Hey, you want to hear a sad story?
162
00:13:25,336 --> 00:13:29,852
My wife's having another baby
and I think it's mine. The end.
163
00:13:31,216 --> 00:13:33,207
Hey, buddy, you gonna let go
of that dollar?
164
00:13:33,416 --> 00:13:35,168
Oh, I'm sorry, here you go.
165
00:13:40,576 --> 00:13:42,726
My next door neighbour's
having a baby too.
166
00:13:42,936 --> 00:13:44,892
God, what a weenie.
167
00:13:45,096 --> 00:13:48,532
Even has a weenie name. Jefferson.
168
00:13:48,736 --> 00:13:51,330
Mr. Perfect Husband.
169
00:13:51,536 --> 00:13:54,733
Waiting on his ferret-face of a wife.
170
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:58,610
I'll tell you something,
when that guy rolls over...
171
00:13:58,816 --> 00:14:01,853
...and has to look at that...
Hey, Jefferson.
172
00:14:05,816 --> 00:14:08,694
I was just talking about the
neighbour on the other side.
173
00:14:08,896 --> 00:14:13,014
You know, his name is Jefferson.
He's having a baby too.
174
00:14:13,216 --> 00:14:15,366
What do you think about that?
175
00:14:17,096 --> 00:14:18,324
So, what are you doing here?
176
00:14:18,536 --> 00:14:22,006
I'm running like a river
when the snow melts.
177
00:14:22,216 --> 00:14:26,687
It was the baby expo, Al. It broke me.
You should have seen it.
178
00:14:26,896 --> 00:14:32,971
It was nothing but acres of fat,
pregnant women wearing Keds.
179
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,410
Why are you running, Al?
180
00:14:37,856 --> 00:14:40,893
Can you look at me
and seriously ask that?
181
00:14:42,136 --> 00:14:44,172
Don't take an oxen that
works with his yoke...
182
00:14:44,376 --> 00:14:46,765
...for 20 years, take the yoke off,
and then say:
183
00:14:46,976 --> 00:14:49,649
"Oh, Just kidding. Here's a
heavier yoke for you, old fella.
184
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,448
Toss it on and rub my belly."
185
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:53,971
Well, you should rub
the belly I've been rubbing.
186
00:14:54,176 --> 00:14:55,689
I have.
187
00:15:00,656 --> 00:15:02,408
What you watching?
188
00:15:02,616 --> 00:15:05,847
Nothing. I'm just listening
to Mom eat on the intercom.
189
00:15:06,896 --> 00:15:09,171
Is there anything left for us to eat?
190
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,571
Oh, sure. Why don't you
go and stick your hand...
191
00:15:11,776 --> 00:15:13,971
...through the door
and see what happens.
192
00:15:20,256 --> 00:15:23,851
I see the only chance of me getting
any food, love or attention any more...
193
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:26,854
...is if the baby comes out
looking like you.
194
00:15:29,056 --> 00:15:33,129
But then again, what are the chances
of Mom having two circus monkeys?
195
00:15:34,176 --> 00:15:37,407
Why, the odds must be one in nine.
196
00:15:42,536 --> 00:15:44,845
Excuse me, is there
anybody down there?
197
00:15:45,056 --> 00:15:48,207
My buck et o' tapioca is empty.
198
00:15:51,456 --> 00:15:53,845
Bud, look what we've become.
199
00:15:54,056 --> 00:15:57,287
Pudding slaves to Mount Mom.
200
00:16:00,736 --> 00:16:03,489
Yeah, I don't know
how Dad can put up with it.
201
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,927
After all he's been through, he's
out doing something nice for Mom.
202
00:16:07,136 --> 00:16:10,731
Well, good. Then he'll be home
soon and he can fill her trough.
203
00:16:12,896 --> 00:16:14,807
You wanna go to a movie?
204
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:18,691
I can't. You know, I checked
that box under my bed.
205
00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:21,330
Someone stole all my money.
206
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:25,854
Al.
207
00:16:28,776 --> 00:16:30,368
Al.
208
00:16:31,296 --> 00:16:34,527
Al. Look, just because we're leaving
our pregnant wives alone...
209
00:16:34,736 --> 00:16:37,375
...to fend for themselves
without a cent in the world...
210
00:16:37,576 --> 00:16:39,248
...that doesn't make us bad, does it?
211
00:16:39,496 --> 00:16:42,249
Heck, no. Many is
the great American before us...
212
00:16:42,456 --> 00:16:44,333
...who have skipped out
on the needy.
213
00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:48,654
Take, for example, The Rifleman.
He knew not to hang out with his wife.
214
00:16:48,856 --> 00:16:52,132
You know, I always suspected that's
who he was blowing to smithereens...
215
00:16:52,336 --> 00:16:54,531
...before the start of each show.
216
00:16:56,016 --> 00:17:00,294
I've been thinking. I mean, I'm almost
done with her first trimester.
217
00:17:00,496 --> 00:17:04,569
What if the worst is over and it's all
good from now on and we miss out?
218
00:17:06,496 --> 00:17:08,691
- What?
- I'm finally starting to understand...
219
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:13,094
...how she got you.
Let me explain something to you.
220
00:17:13,296 --> 00:17:15,526
There is no such thing
as a trimester.
221
00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:19,968
There's actually
just one long 40-year "mester."
222
00:17:20,176 --> 00:17:24,408
When they get pregnant, it turns
into what I call the "mini-mester."
223
00:17:24,616 --> 00:17:29,770
You got your fat-mester,
you got your puke-mester...
224
00:17:29,976 --> 00:17:32,934
...and Lord help us,
you got your horny-mester.
225
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,567
That's when I left.
226
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,369
So, Al, where you gonna go to?
227
00:17:46,576 --> 00:17:50,888
Somewhere where shoe men
run wild and free in the big sky.
228
00:17:52,336 --> 00:17:55,931
Where never is heard
an impregnated word...
229
00:17:56,136 --> 00:17:59,094
...and the hooters
are uncovered all day.
230
00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:07,047
That's beautiful, Al, that's beautiful.
231
00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:11,255
Monacles, family trees, gum.
232
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:15,213
Gentlemen, would you like
to be somebody?
233
00:18:15,456 --> 00:18:17,412
Your shirt.
234
00:18:22,016 --> 00:18:24,450
How much for an ex-football
player with a cool name?
235
00:18:24,696 --> 00:18:27,449
- Two hundred dollars.
- What can I get for a buck?
236
00:18:28,096 --> 00:18:29,654
A shoe salesman named Al.
237
00:18:33,936 --> 00:18:36,325
Give me some gum.
238
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,095
There you go.
239
00:18:39,696 --> 00:18:43,006
Hey, I'll pick my own name, huh?
240
00:18:43,216 --> 00:18:45,776
My new name will be...
241
00:18:47,656 --> 00:18:49,533
...Bazooka Joe.
242
00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:55,286
Damn. I wish I'd thought of that
before I decided on...
243
00:18:55,496 --> 00:18:57,407
...Anheuser-Busch.
244
00:18:58,576 --> 00:19:02,569
Yep, the Buschmeister's
going to Seattle.
245
00:19:03,496 --> 00:19:06,488
Join up with some friends
that have a lobster boat.
246
00:19:06,696 --> 00:19:10,814
And I'm gonna be
the mighty fisherman.
247
00:19:12,056 --> 00:19:14,331
- How about you, Al?
- Going to L.A.
248
00:19:14,536 --> 00:19:17,130
Gonna be the big white
hooter hunter.
249
00:19:21,416 --> 00:19:24,772
- God, life is gonna be great.
- Yep.
250
00:19:24,976 --> 00:19:29,333
Bus to Seattle now leaving, gate 11.
251
00:19:32,056 --> 00:19:35,412
- Well, back to the wives?
- Yeah, back to the wives.
252
00:19:35,616 --> 00:19:38,210
If she has another baby in the
next 18 years, I'm going.
253
00:19:38,416 --> 00:19:40,134
Me too.
254
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:45,412
Well, I'm going home.
255
00:19:45,616 --> 00:19:47,686
Can I have my dollar back?
256
00:19:50,096 --> 00:19:51,893
Here's five. Take a cab.
257
00:19:52,096 --> 00:19:53,495
Five?
258
00:19:56,856 --> 00:19:58,687
Can I have some change?
259
00:20:08,536 --> 00:20:11,846
Oh, hi, honey. Come lay beside me.
260
00:20:14,376 --> 00:20:17,254
There is no beside you, Peg.
261
00:20:18,576 --> 00:20:20,885
Watch the cookies, honey.
262
00:20:22,776 --> 00:20:26,291
So you went to the bus station, huh?
263
00:20:26,496 --> 00:20:30,774
- How'd you know?
- Marcy has Jefferson miked.
264
00:20:32,536 --> 00:20:35,846
Hi, Marcy, I'm home.
You look beautiful.
265
00:20:36,056 --> 00:20:39,048
Thank you... Anheuser.
266
00:20:42,976 --> 00:20:45,444
You just couldn't leave, could you?
267
00:20:45,656 --> 00:20:47,214
I knew you wouldn't be able to.
268
00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:50,408
You love your little Pooh Bear,
don't you?
269
00:20:54,576 --> 00:20:57,488
You do, you do.
270
00:20:57,696 --> 00:20:59,527
I really don't.
271
00:21:02,896 --> 00:21:07,253
So, Al, what's in the bag?
Your socket set, huh?
272
00:21:07,456 --> 00:21:11,051
Oh, well. You know, if one of our
children grew up to be a success...
273
00:21:11,256 --> 00:21:14,566
...who would the street sweepers
of tomorrow be?
274
00:21:17,936 --> 00:21:23,010
Oh, Al, a wave machine!
275
00:21:23,216 --> 00:21:26,526
Oh, you do care, don't you?
276
00:21:26,736 --> 00:21:29,773
Peg, touch me with even
one lip, I take it back.
277
00:21:31,136 --> 00:21:33,127
You know, the only reason
I wanted this...
278
00:21:33,336 --> 00:21:37,295
...is so that at least one of our children
would have every opportunity in life.
279
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:41,045
I mean, you saw what not having one
did for the other two.
280
00:21:41,256 --> 00:21:44,328
Oh, what a pair of misfits.
281
00:21:44,536 --> 00:21:47,733
But you know, Peg, the baby's
already got one up on the other two.
282
00:21:47,936 --> 00:21:49,608
He's already smarter than Kelly.
283
00:21:49,816 --> 00:21:52,808
And he's closer to a woman
than Bud will ever be.
284
00:21:59,936 --> 00:22:02,291
What a pair of losers.
285
00:22:05,096 --> 00:22:07,656
Honey, are you sure
that intercom is turned off?
286
00:22:07,856 --> 00:22:10,768
Sure, I'm sure. There's an "on" switch
and an "off" switch.
287
00:22:10,976 --> 00:22:13,615
Why, how dumb do you think I am?1
00:01:18,402 --> 00:01:19,517
Okay, everybody.
2
00:01:19,722 --> 00:01:23,874
It's time for the weekly
Bundy baby progress report.
3
00:01:27,002 --> 00:01:28,754
Well, I can sense your excitement.
4
00:01:28,962 --> 00:01:32,113
So even though one of us is missing,
I think we should still begin.
5
00:01:32,322 --> 00:01:36,235
Let's start with the reading of the
minutes from our last meeting. Kelly?
6
00:01:42,722 --> 00:01:44,519
"At the beginning of the last meeting...
7
00:01:44,722 --> 00:01:47,634
...I suggested we have
no more meetings.
8
00:01:49,522 --> 00:01:52,036
It was seconded by Bud, my brother...
9
00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:54,233
...and Dad, my daddy.
10
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:57,957
We stared dully at Mom
and then were forced...
11
00:01:58,162 --> 00:02:01,074
...into a chorus of
'We Love the Baby.'
12
00:02:01,282 --> 00:02:02,715
Then Mom left to pee...
13
00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:06,073
...and Dad suggested
that we play a gleeful round...
14
00:02:06,282 --> 00:02:08,557
...of 'How Fat is She? '
15
00:02:11,802 --> 00:02:14,714
Dad guessed 415 pounds.
16
00:02:16,122 --> 00:02:18,238
We all laughed, and Dad said:
17
00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:20,831
'Don't write this down, Pumpkin."'
18
00:02:22,282 --> 00:02:24,557
That concludes my report.
19
00:02:26,362 --> 00:02:29,559
Let the record show
your father is a weenie.
20
00:02:31,042 --> 00:02:34,159
And now, can we have a report
from the treasury?
21
00:02:42,922 --> 00:02:47,120
Let the record show your father
has nothing in his pants.
22
00:02:58,282 --> 00:03:01,035
Oh, my God. Baby meeting!
23
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:04,394
Get back here, young man!
24
00:03:04,842 --> 00:03:08,357
Yeah, pay your respect to the fetus
just like the rest of us.
25
00:03:16,282 --> 00:03:19,399
Most glorious
inhabitant of the womb...
26
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:24,433
...please accept the blessing
of this unworthy one.
27
00:03:24,642 --> 00:03:27,554
I love you more than I love myself.
28
00:03:27,762 --> 00:03:29,480
Hail baby.
29
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,798
The baby is pleased.
30
00:03:37,002 --> 00:03:38,435
You may sit.
31
00:03:38,642 --> 00:03:40,951
Listen, I have great news.
32
00:03:41,162 --> 00:03:44,632
As the only intelligent
living male Bundy...
33
00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:47,991
...l'm proud to announce
I've gotten a scholarship...
34
00:03:48,202 --> 00:03:50,033
...and I'm going to junior college.
35
00:03:50,482 --> 00:03:53,679
And just how does that
pertain to the baby?
36
00:03:54,482 --> 00:03:55,517
Thank you.
37
00:03:55,842 --> 00:03:57,833
So I decided to start college
across town...
38
00:03:58,202 --> 00:04:00,591
...instead of this neighbourhood,
where I'm accused...
39
00:04:00,802 --> 00:04:02,713
...of being a total social failure.
40
00:04:03,282 --> 00:04:05,318
Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud.
41
00:04:05,522 --> 00:04:06,955
I'm sure lots of cool guys...
42
00:04:07,162 --> 00:04:09,722
...spend their Friday nights
watching Star Trek reruns...
43
00:04:09,922 --> 00:04:13,631
...hoping to catch a glimpse
of Klingon cleavage.
44
00:04:18,602 --> 00:04:21,912
Let the record show that I was
wetting the screen with my tongue...
45
00:04:22,122 --> 00:04:23,601
...to clean it.
46
00:04:29,882 --> 00:04:31,634
To continue...
47
00:04:31,882 --> 00:04:33,440
Chicks love new blood.
48
00:04:33,682 --> 00:04:35,991
So I'm assuming
a whole new identity.
49
00:04:36,202 --> 00:04:38,591
As of now, my story is
I'm a bad-boy rapper...
50
00:04:38,802 --> 00:04:40,793
...from the streets of New York.
51
00:04:42,602 --> 00:04:44,638
Goodbye, Bud Bundy.
52
00:04:45,162 --> 00:04:47,676
Hello, Grandmaster B.
53
00:04:51,042 --> 00:04:52,794
What does the B stand for?
54
00:04:53,002 --> 00:04:54,674
"Brother of an idiot."
55
00:04:59,322 --> 00:05:00,835
Anyhow, if anyone asks...
56
00:05:01,042 --> 00:05:03,192
...my parents sent me here
to clean up my act...
57
00:05:03,402 --> 00:05:06,917
...because I either killed a guy
or spray-painted a tree or something.
58
00:05:07,202 --> 00:05:11,320
Excuse me, but isn't that the plot
for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
59
00:05:11,802 --> 00:05:14,714
Well, that's an NBC show,
so who would know that?
60
00:05:22,202 --> 00:05:25,319
So if anyone asks,
I'm not related to any of you.
61
00:05:25,762 --> 00:05:28,037
And I'm coolly dangerous.
62
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,682
I am not going
to be dateless this year.
63
00:05:32,882 --> 00:05:35,999
- Now, if you've finished, Bud...
- B.
64
00:05:54,802 --> 00:05:57,396
And just yesterday he was in diapers.
65
00:05:58,522 --> 00:05:59,875
Literally.
66
00:06:01,282 --> 00:06:03,432
I killed a man in New York, you know.
67
00:06:03,642 --> 00:06:06,600
Forgive me, Ghostbuster B.
68
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,352
It's Grandmaster B.
69
00:06:10,562 --> 00:06:11,961
Of course, honey.
70
00:06:12,562 --> 00:06:14,393
Now, let's get back
to the baby meeting.
71
00:06:14,602 --> 00:06:17,116
Given the fact, and I would like
this to go on record...
72
00:06:17,322 --> 00:06:19,472
...that your father earns nothing...
73
00:06:19,682 --> 00:06:22,116
...it seems that we'll be
a little pressed for room...
74
00:06:22,322 --> 00:06:24,153
...when the blessed event comes.
75
00:06:24,722 --> 00:06:26,280
- Hail baby.
- Hail baby.
76
00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:31,914
Who is loved more than all babies
that came before him.
77
00:06:32,162 --> 00:06:33,993
Now, since we have limited space...
78
00:06:34,202 --> 00:06:37,558
...I would like to move that the baby
share a room with Daddy and me.
79
00:06:37,762 --> 00:06:40,196
We'll just put a crib
at the foot of the bed.
80
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,318
I would like the record to show...
81
00:06:45,562 --> 00:06:48,759
...that I would rather sleep
in a bunk bed under Oprah.
82
00:06:53,642 --> 00:06:55,997
I would rather engage
in a frolicking threesome...
83
00:06:56,202 --> 00:06:58,670
...with Roseanne
and her cool husband.
84
00:07:01,442 --> 00:07:04,002
I would rather play naked Twister...
85
00:07:04,202 --> 00:07:07,194
...with every one
of the Golden Girls...
86
00:07:08,482 --> 00:07:12,760
...than have that little screaming
doodie geyser at the foot of my bed.
87
00:07:14,762 --> 00:07:17,560
I've said my piece. Thank you.
88
00:07:20,362 --> 00:07:22,318
Hail baby.
89
00:07:23,762 --> 00:07:25,400
All right then, let's have a vote.
90
00:07:25,602 --> 00:07:29,800
All those in favour of the baby sharing
a room with Mommy and Daddy?
91
00:07:30,002 --> 00:07:32,641
- Opposed?
- I must use my veto power.
92
00:07:32,842 --> 00:07:36,471
- Motion is carried.
- Veto! Veto, I say!
93
00:07:36,842 --> 00:07:39,800
All right, everybody, I'll see you
at the next baby meeting.
94
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,034
But for now, Mommy
must use the bathroom.
95
00:07:43,442 --> 00:07:45,512
Al, if you would be so kind...
96
00:07:45,802 --> 00:07:46,837
I'm warning you, Peg.
97
00:07:47,042 --> 00:07:49,078
You will not make a mockery
of my veto power.
98
00:07:49,282 --> 00:07:52,274
I am the man of the house,
and my will is law!
99
00:07:58,842 --> 00:08:02,596
For the record,
she's now up to 500 pounds.
100
00:08:07,402 --> 00:08:09,836
This is my temporary crib, babe.
101
00:08:13,442 --> 00:08:15,637
Thanks for carrying my books.
102
00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:20,312
Anything to help keep
your gun hand free...
103
00:08:20,522 --> 00:08:22,194
...Mixmaster B.
104
00:08:24,122 --> 00:08:25,953
That's Grandmaster B.
105
00:08:26,642 --> 00:08:28,360
And I don't carry a gun anymore.
106
00:08:28,562 --> 00:08:30,439
Because I have a new life
here in Bel-Air...
107
00:08:30,642 --> 00:08:32,633
I mean, Chicago.
108
00:08:34,402 --> 00:08:36,518
Have I shown you my scar?
109
00:08:37,322 --> 00:08:40,712
You scare and excite me
when you talk like that.
110
00:08:41,762 --> 00:08:43,115
Take me.
111
00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:47,431
First, do it for me, B.
112
00:08:48,722 --> 00:08:50,553
Give me your rap.
113
00:08:51,802 --> 00:08:53,155
All right.
114
00:09:29,762 --> 00:09:31,480
And now...
115
00:09:32,562 --> 00:09:33,961
You may take me.
116
00:09:34,162 --> 00:09:35,595
Thank you.
117
00:09:35,802 --> 00:09:37,201
No problem.
118
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,434
Well, look.
119
00:09:45,162 --> 00:09:48,950
My little man
is getting his first kiss.
120
00:09:51,682 --> 00:09:54,276
You're the coolest, Grandma B.
121
00:09:56,802 --> 00:09:58,952
That's Grandmaster B.
122
00:10:00,122 --> 00:10:01,111
Look, babe...
123
00:10:01,322 --> 00:10:04,200
...I think I'm going to have to rap
my way out of the rent now.
124
00:10:04,402 --> 00:10:05,994
You go on home
and wait by the phone.
125
00:10:06,202 --> 00:10:09,717
If I call and you're not there,
you go to the bottom of the list.
126
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,718
What did I tell you two?!
127
00:10:19,682 --> 00:10:21,161
I am Grandmaster B.
128
00:10:21,362 --> 00:10:23,478
Grand. Master. B.
129
00:10:23,682 --> 00:10:26,958
Mom, I'm cool. You're
ruining it for me! I'm cool.
130
00:10:28,722 --> 00:10:31,919
Gee, I'm really sorry,
Grand Marshal B.
131
00:10:33,802 --> 00:10:36,999
No, Mom, I think it's Bed-Wetter B.
132
00:10:37,962 --> 00:10:40,999
Are you sure? I thought
it was Court Jester B.
133
00:10:42,322 --> 00:10:44,313
Peg! Peg!
134
00:10:44,762 --> 00:10:46,639
Guess what I found in the attic?
135
00:10:46,842 --> 00:10:49,914
It's something of my father's
that served him well for 20 years.
136
00:10:50,402 --> 00:10:53,633
And now, will serve me
for the rest of my life.
137
00:10:53,842 --> 00:10:55,673
A pair of socks?
138
00:10:56,802 --> 00:10:59,157
Bud, what do you think I found?
139
00:10:59,362 --> 00:11:02,240
If it's a rubber woman, Dad,
I can explain.
140
00:11:04,322 --> 00:11:05,994
You send away
for one Archie comic...
141
00:11:06,202 --> 00:11:08,636
...the next thing you know,
they put you on a list...
142
00:11:12,322 --> 00:11:13,755
Pumpkin?
143
00:11:14,522 --> 00:11:16,592
You found a pumpkin, Daddy?
144
00:11:19,242 --> 00:11:20,880
Well, I guess I'll tell you all...
145
00:11:21,082 --> 00:11:23,880
...since none of you
singly deserve to know.
146
00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:28,080
I found my father's hammer.
147
00:11:31,522 --> 00:11:34,639
This hammer has been
in my family for generations.
148
00:11:34,842 --> 00:11:38,755
With this, my father hit
the now-famous Bundy nail.
149
00:11:38,962 --> 00:11:40,953
And upon that nail,
he did hang his hat.
150
00:11:46,002 --> 00:11:47,799
My dad had one great dream...
151
00:11:48,002 --> 00:11:49,913
...and that dream was handed down...
152
00:11:50,122 --> 00:11:52,795
...from generation to generation
of male Bundys:
153
00:11:53,002 --> 00:11:54,401
To build their own room...
154
00:11:54,602 --> 00:11:57,241
...and live separately from their wives.
155
00:11:59,442 --> 00:12:00,716
Sadly, they all failed.
156
00:12:00,922 --> 00:12:03,834
No, genetically they all failed.
157
00:12:04,482 --> 00:12:06,632
Well, not me! I'm going to do it!
158
00:12:07,282 --> 00:12:10,001
Look, Dad. I've got your hammer.
159
00:12:10,202 --> 00:12:13,000
Your little boy's
gonna build his own room.
160
00:12:14,242 --> 00:12:16,312
Mom, who is he talking to?
161
00:12:16,642 --> 00:12:18,519
Grandpa.
162
00:12:18,722 --> 00:12:20,201
Hi, Grandpa.
163
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:32,270
Look, Dad, I'm building my own room.
164
00:12:33,722 --> 00:12:36,600
I'll dedicate the first nail to you.
165
00:12:42,322 --> 00:12:43,994
Damn cheap Sheetrock!
166
00:12:46,322 --> 00:12:49,314
I can't believe you're gonna let
that moron move out of your room.
167
00:12:49,722 --> 00:12:53,510
Marcie, you're assuming
he can actually do this.
168
00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:55,121
You know the Bundy legacy:
169
00:12:55,322 --> 00:12:59,440
What they don't finish in 30 seconds,
they never finish.
170
00:13:00,762 --> 00:13:02,832
Besides, you know, it's important...
171
00:13:03,042 --> 00:13:05,317
...to let your man fail
in front of your eyes.
172
00:13:05,522 --> 00:13:07,638
It's a great thing to see.
173
00:13:07,882 --> 00:13:10,840
You know the fun we have
watching them fail at sex.
174
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:12,361
Do I ever.
175
00:13:12,562 --> 00:13:14,234
Like when you say:
176
00:13:14,442 --> 00:13:16,273
"It's okay, honey.
177
00:13:16,482 --> 00:13:19,235
I'm sure it happens to all men.
178
00:13:21,282 --> 00:13:25,833
It doesn't mean there's anything
wrong with you, does it?"
179
00:13:28,882 --> 00:13:30,793
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or when you say:
180
00:13:31,002 --> 00:13:33,596
"It's okay, honey.
You're probably just tired...
181
00:13:33,802 --> 00:13:36,236
...and unsure of your manhood."
182
00:13:36,442 --> 00:13:38,592
Or, " It's okay.
183
00:13:38,802 --> 00:13:41,714
We can just lay here
and hold each other.
184
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:44,231
That's just as good."
185
00:13:45,402 --> 00:13:48,235
Then when they lay their head
on you like a child, trembling...
186
00:13:48,442 --> 00:13:51,957
...it is just as good.
God, you just want to laugh.
187
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,990
Well, believe me when I tell you, it is
just as much fun to watch them fail...
188
00:13:59,202 --> 00:14:01,318
...with their clothes on.
189
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,395
Watch.
190
00:14:04,562 --> 00:14:07,122
I can't get the nails
to go in straight.
191
00:14:07,962 --> 00:14:11,079
Gee, honey, it's probably just
because you're tired...
192
00:14:11,282 --> 00:14:13,398
...and unsure of your manhood.
193
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:16,639
I did not fail.
I'll build that room! I will, it's just...
194
00:14:17,082 --> 00:14:19,801
I've got a lot on my mind right now.
195
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,795
Mom, do you think he's actually
doing something in there?
196
00:14:32,002 --> 00:14:35,039
Honey, must I remind you
of his family tree?
197
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,551
Do we not remember Amadeus Bundy?
198
00:14:37,762 --> 00:14:40,401
Who, when Alexander Graham Bell
patented the telephone...
199
00:14:40,602 --> 00:14:44,311
...tried to patent shouting
as a cheaper alternative?
200
00:14:45,042 --> 00:14:46,634
Or how about Wrong-Way Bundy...
201
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:48,719
...the original inventor of the shotgun.
202
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:52,437
Only he never quite perfected
which way to point it.
203
00:14:52,962 --> 00:14:55,476
We later called him Headless Bundy.
204
00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:59,401
But, Mom, Dad's not like the others.
205
00:14:59,602 --> 00:15:01,479
He sells shoes.
206
00:15:04,242 --> 00:15:05,721
It's done!
207
00:15:05,922 --> 00:15:09,198
Now, come in and take your
first and last look.
208
00:15:09,402 --> 00:15:12,360
All right now, kids. Daddy has
worked very, very hard at this.
209
00:15:12,562 --> 00:15:14,200
And it means a lot to him.
210
00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:16,990
So nobody laugh until I do.
211
00:15:32,402 --> 00:15:35,712
Wow, Al. You did all this
with just a hammer?
212
00:15:35,922 --> 00:15:37,992
Not just a hammer, Peg.
213
00:15:39,082 --> 00:15:40,640
Dad's hammer.
214
00:15:46,922 --> 00:15:49,755
Al, you're not really thinking
about moving away...
215
00:15:49,962 --> 00:15:51,315
...from me and the baby.
216
00:15:51,522 --> 00:15:53,433
Thinking of it? I've done it!
217
00:15:56,242 --> 00:15:58,392
Be gone, jackals!
218
00:15:59,242 --> 00:16:00,960
But, Al...
219
00:16:16,682 --> 00:16:18,240
At last...
220
00:16:18,482 --> 00:16:22,555
...I can do what every
male Bundy wants to do.
221
00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:34,121
Well, they're out of sight.
222
00:16:34,322 --> 00:16:37,155
I wonder how long it'll take
till they're out of mind.
223
00:16:38,762 --> 00:16:40,241
Done.
224
00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:44,992
Well, that must be that life I ordered.
225
00:16:51,202 --> 00:16:52,635
Hi, Al.
226
00:16:54,522 --> 00:16:57,161
Please, Al, let me stay with you.
227
00:16:57,402 --> 00:17:01,714
I'm afraid of Marcie.
She wants sex all the time.
228
00:17:02,202 --> 00:17:04,272
I mean, having sex
with your pregnant wife...
229
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,042
...it's like putting gas
in the tank of a car...
230
00:17:07,242 --> 00:17:09,437
...you've already wrecked.
231
00:17:13,922 --> 00:17:16,755
Thank God mine pulls
into self-service.
232
00:17:20,602 --> 00:17:22,320
Al? Al, I'm begging you.
233
00:17:22,522 --> 00:17:25,514
I mean, you remember what it was
like when you first got married?
234
00:17:25,722 --> 00:17:29,112
Sex wasn't enough.
They also want, God help me...
235
00:17:29,322 --> 00:17:30,721
...foreplay.
236
00:17:31,922 --> 00:17:34,152
There, now, now, now. Al's here.
237
00:17:34,882 --> 00:17:37,316
Take it easy, now, big fella.
238
00:17:38,362 --> 00:17:39,954
Save me.
239
00:17:40,682 --> 00:17:43,037
All right, but just one night.
And on one condition:
240
00:17:43,242 --> 00:17:45,392
- What?
- It's just you and me...
241
00:17:45,602 --> 00:17:48,116
...and you don't tell
one single guy about this place.
242
00:17:48,322 --> 00:17:49,880
I swear.
243
00:17:50,282 --> 00:17:52,113
Hey, Bobby, throw me that.
244
00:17:53,562 --> 00:17:55,200
Tater storm.
245
00:17:57,962 --> 00:18:00,556
Maybe I wasn't being clear
when I said tell no one.
246
00:18:00,762 --> 00:18:04,152
Come on, Al. It's okay. We're
just having some good, clean...
247
00:18:04,362 --> 00:18:06,398
...normal, guy fun.
248
00:18:06,602 --> 00:18:08,752
Come on, pull my finger.
249
00:18:15,642 --> 00:18:17,633
Hey, Al, it's my arm.
250
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:21,235
And I thought I ran with
a cool pack in high school.
251
00:18:21,442 --> 00:18:24,434
Do you mind if we turn out the lights
and tell some scary stories?
252
00:18:24,642 --> 00:18:26,872
Gee, I thought we'd strip
down to our underwear...
253
00:18:27,082 --> 00:18:29,801
...and sing "Puff the Magic Dragon."
254
00:18:31,602 --> 00:18:33,957
My underwear's got a hole in it.
255
00:18:34,482 --> 00:18:36,438
Well, then maybe you
can play the guitar.
256
00:18:38,282 --> 00:18:39,635
What's wrong with you idiots?
257
00:18:39,842 --> 00:18:43,232
Any second, the women are going
to come pouring through that door.
258
00:18:43,482 --> 00:18:46,121
Don't you know they can sense
a man smiling a mile away?
259
00:18:46,322 --> 00:18:47,994
Al, don't worry about it.
260
00:18:48,202 --> 00:18:51,160
I had all the guys promise that
they wouldn't tell anyone. Right?
261
00:18:51,362 --> 00:18:52,636
- We swear!
- We swear!
262
00:18:53,362 --> 00:18:56,832
And so I move that this room
shall be our clubhouse...
263
00:18:57,082 --> 00:18:59,994
...for our newly formed
ladies group W.O.M. B...
264
00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:04,832
...which stands for
"Women Owe Men Bubkes."
265
00:19:05,722 --> 00:19:07,917
- All in favour?
- Aye!
266
00:19:08,122 --> 00:19:10,431
- Opposed?
- Veto.
267
00:19:11,562 --> 00:19:13,439
Motion carried.
268
00:19:14,202 --> 00:19:17,751
Now, ladies, are there any complaints
that we'd like to share?
269
00:19:17,962 --> 00:19:19,873
I got hemorrhoids.
270
00:19:21,122 --> 00:19:23,716
I've got varicose veins.
271
00:19:23,922 --> 00:19:27,392
Well, I've got an itch
my husband refuses to scratch.
272
00:19:29,922 --> 00:19:31,321
Excuse me...
273
00:19:31,562 --> 00:19:34,030
...where do we go when
we're feeling emotional?
274
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,478
We can use Al's bathroom.
275
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:44,271
Thou shalt not insult my bowl
with pregnant heinies.
276
00:19:47,642 --> 00:19:48,836
Where are you going, Al?
277
00:19:49,042 --> 00:19:51,681
Ladies, and by that
I mean you guys...
278
00:19:54,122 --> 00:19:55,919
...l'm going to tear this room asunder.
279
00:19:56,122 --> 00:19:59,000
It is evil. It has been tainted,
woman-ed!
280
00:19:59,722 --> 00:20:01,997
It must be destroyed.
281
00:20:07,962 --> 00:20:09,839
Keep the gates open, Dad!
282
00:20:10,082 --> 00:20:12,471
I got a busload coming for you!
283
00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:16,351
Go for it, son.
284
00:20:29,322 --> 00:20:31,517
Well, for this special baby meeting...
285
00:20:31,722 --> 00:20:33,917
...we'd like to welcome Daddy back.
286
00:20:34,122 --> 00:20:37,478
A man who kept his garage up
for five hours.
287
00:20:37,682 --> 00:20:40,992
Just four hours longer than he
could keep his zipper up.
288
00:20:42,122 --> 00:20:43,635
Let the record show...
289
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:46,595
...that the chairperson
shares not only the wit...
290
00:20:46,802 --> 00:20:49,475
...but also the body
of Buddy Hackett.
291
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:52,191
Duly noted.
292
00:20:52,402 --> 00:20:53,881
Let it further show...
293
00:20:54,122 --> 00:20:57,159
...that Daddy also discovered
an important thing today.
294
00:20:57,722 --> 00:21:01,954
The true legacy of Dad's hammer
is failure.
295
00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:04,596
Dad failed with it, I failed with it...
296
00:21:04,802 --> 00:21:07,555
...and every male Bundy
who comes after me will fail with it.
297
00:21:07,762 --> 00:21:10,959
And speaking of failure,
where's the other male Bundy?
298
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,752
You mean the Bushwhacker?
299
00:21:15,882 --> 00:21:17,952
No, it's the Burgermeister.
300
00:21:19,082 --> 00:21:22,358
No, it's the Buckminster.
What is the difference?
301
00:21:22,762 --> 00:21:23,956
Where is the little boil?
302
00:21:26,642 --> 00:21:28,280
Where'd you get this scar?
303
00:21:28,482 --> 00:21:30,438
Was it in Desert Storm?
304
00:21:31,802 --> 00:21:34,396
Well, I had my own little
Desert Storm, baby...
305
00:21:34,602 --> 00:21:36,558
...in the streets of New York.
306
00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:40,357
Yep. We're the warriors that
don't get the ticker-tape parades.
307
00:21:40,562 --> 00:21:42,553
Oh, Grandflasher.
308
00:21:44,602 --> 00:21:46,194
That's Grandmaster.
309
00:21:47,402 --> 00:21:49,836
Now, kiss me before I do.
310
00:22:01,202 --> 00:22:04,319
Dustbuster?
Dustbuster, are you okay?
311
00:22:05,362 --> 00:22:07,956
Shut up. I'm dying, you buffoon!
312
00:22:08,682 --> 00:22:12,072
Mommy! Mommy!1
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,712
All right, contestants, we polled
100 derelicts and ask ed them.
2
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,070
"If the government
actually made you work...
3
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,396
...what job
would you least lik e to have?"
4
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,637
- Shoe salesman?
- Number one answer!
5
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,953
And I might add,
the answer given by all 100 people.
6
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,517
Yeah, certainly "game-show host"
must have got one vote.
7
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,272
Dad, you got a minute?
8
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,675
For you, Bud? No.
9
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,551
I'm not Bud. Now, how many times
do I have to tell you?
10
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,912
When the hat is on,
I'm street rapper "Grand Master B."
11
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,876
When it's off, I'm Bud.
12
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,116
Got it? Now...
13
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,830
...the hat is on. Who am I?
14
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,599
Mommy's second little joke on me?
15
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,119
The Grand Master is not amused.
16
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,550
Now, listen, Dad,
I need 20 bucks for a pizza.
17
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,512
I need you to leave it on the table...
18
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,712
...so I can pretend to steal it
in front of the girl.
19
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:29,191
Because, after all, I am an outlaw.
20
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,914
Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper.
21
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,798
That's Grand Master, you fool.
22
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:41,238
Gas-passer, Bass-haster,
what's the difference?
23
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,999
All right, look...
24
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,512
...l'm gonna have to communicate
with you in the language of the street.
25
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,075
Yo, I'm broke.
26
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,871
Now put your little hat on sideways
and boo-boo away.
27
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,392
The Grand Master will not forget this.
28
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,272
One day these kids are gonna learn
the value of a dollar.
29
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,397
Daddy, can I have $1000?
30
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,752
Well, sure, pumpkin. Get it from Bud,
I just gave him a million.
31
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:38,757
Yep, that's the story of my life,
a dollar short and a week late.
32
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,273
Oh, please, Daddy.
33
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,597
It's for something really important.
I need a gown.
34
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,633
Now, as you know, I am a model.
35
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:54,231
And for the past few months, I've been
proudly reigning as Miss Weenie Tot.
36
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,554
But I've decided
that it's time to move up...
37
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:03,357
...so I am going for the coveted title
of Miss Cheese.
38
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,515
How proud can a father be?
39
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,470
Miss Cheese is no joke, Daddy.
40
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,319
I could lord it over
all those other snotty cheeses.
41
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,590
Miss Swiss, Miss Gouda...
42
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,360
...and that haughty
Miss Individually-Wrapped American...
43
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,949
...who thinks her cheese
doesn't stink.
44
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,110
Oh, please, Daddy, it's only $1000.
45
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,029
Well, pumpkin, why can't you wear one
of your gowns from Miss Weenie Tot?
46
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,869
Because they all smell like pork
and old men's hands.
47
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,438
I'm sorry, honey, but as you know,
your mother's pregnant.
48
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:40,315
We have to put our money aside for
the things that pregnant women need.
49
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,596
- Where is Mom?
- She's at the beauty parlour...
50
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,268
...having her stomach
wrapped in mud.
51
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,159
Who wants to be the first to see
their reflection in my shiny belly?
52
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,833
Mom, Dad won't give me
$1000 for a gown.
53
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,991
Al, is this true?
54
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,996
Well, I'm sorry, Peg.
I saw some underwear I had to have.
55
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,877
It's not true, Mom,
he just gave Bud a million.
56
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,795
Be gone, cement booties.
57
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,636
Fine. Then I shall get it on my own.
58
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:26,152
And I shall be cheese queen,
this I vow.
59
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,477
Honey, I agree with you
about not giving the kids money.
60
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,079
I didn't want to say anything.
61
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,317
There's no sense in them
hating both of us.
62
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,799
Anyway, I need money.
I have to go to the doctor.
63
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,558
For what?
64
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,439
I'm pregnant, you Zagnut.
65
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,835
- And I want you to come with me.
- Why? I never came with you before.
66
00:05:55,720 --> 00:06:00,350
Now, don't get me started on that.
I'm talking about the doctor.
67
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,069
I don't want to be the only woman
there alone.
68
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,238
People stare at me
and I wonder what they're thinking.
69
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,796
If you're with me,
at least I know what they're thinking:
70
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,632
"Why didn't that poor woman
come alone?"
71
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,955
Peg, you can sweet-talk me
all you want...
72
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,755
...but I'm not sitting among
a bunch of foetus condos in overalls.
73
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,918
All right, I'll just have to think
of someone other than you...
74
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,599
...to be the father of my baby.
75
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,712
Well, why didn't you think of that
five months ago?
76
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,550
Honey, I was worried that if the baby
showed any signs of promise...
77
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,149
...you'd get suspicious.
78
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:42,232
Now, come on, help me think.
79
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,796
Who can I get to play the part
of the father of my baby?
80
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,638
Mom...
81
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,753
...l'm glad you're here.
82
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,312
Who am I?
83
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,468
- My husband.
- What?
84
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,514
Stay tuned
for our after-school special...
85
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:08,315
...I Drink Because My Dad's
a Shoe Salesman.
86
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,637
Good one.
87
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:20,873
Hi, Daddy.
88
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,677
Listen,
I'm preparing for my beauty contest.
89
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:29,077
So ask me to name
six types of cheese.
90
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,272
Oh, okay. Name six types of cheese.
91
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,112
Good, pumpkin.
92
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,478
Sweetie...
93
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,272
Honey, you know, I'm really sorry...
94
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,755
...I couldn't buy you
that thousand-dollar gown...
95
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,279
...but as you know I'm...
96
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,277
A failure, Daddy?
97
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,832
I know. But it's okay.
98
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,998
Because I got a night job,
earned $1000...
99
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,794
...and I bought the gown myself.
100
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,758
Now wait a second.
101
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,800
My pretty teenage daughter...
102
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,594
...with the brain of a fruit fly...
103
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,439
...earned $1000 in three nights.
104
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,676
Should I be worried?
105
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,713
Okay, we're ready to go to the doctor.
106
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,309
Come on, Bud,
show Daddy how nice you look.
107
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:44,116
I know that face.
Why, it's Grandfather B.
108
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,469
It's funny, I always thought
wingtips and a fedora...
109
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,432
...would make me look cool.
110
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,677
Imagine my surprise.
111
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,832
Hey, where'd you get the fake,
greasy moustache?
112
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,515
I shaved your back.
113
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,192
Come on, let's go, sweetheart.
114
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,595
Dad, please don't make me do this.
115
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,155
Peg, I will not let you
do this to the boy.
116
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,555
Mind your own business, Al.
117
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,478
So long, son.
118
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,759
Hi, Al.
119
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,399
Hi, Al.
120
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,479
I snuck in because if anyone saw me
coming in here in broad daylight...
121
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,511
...l'd just die.
122
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,389
Anyway, I need some advice.
123
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,672
Well, throw a wig on it
until it grows to a woman's length.
124
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,393
Well, can't I just grow
one really long hair...
125
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,672
...and wrap it around
my entire head like you?
126
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,716
Come on, Al, I need some advice.
127
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,515
Jefferson's been staying out
really late the last few nights...
128
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,110
...and coming home smelling
like cigarettes and exotic beers.
129
00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,958
Where is he, Al?
Where does he go?
130
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:04,358
Probably, if he's coming home to you,
a bar with really ugly women.
131
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,709
Well, I know he has a wandering eye.
132
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,229
I've seen him
watching the Madonna videos...
133
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:18,479
...and I can tell he just wants to
put on a pointy bra and vogue.
134
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,792
But I can't understand
why he has to leave for a good time...
135
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,558
...just because I'm pregnant.
136
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:29,276
I mean, there are a lot of men
who still find me quite attractive.
137
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,198
Well, they do.
138
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,470
Especially now that I have
the big bazooms.
139
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,113
Yeah, I only pray one of those
monsters doesn't fall on the baby.
140
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,478
Oh, God, I'm losing my husband.
141
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,240
Well, probably.
142
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,997
Since you're a single mother now,
you have a lot of time on your hands.
143
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,430
I tell you what,
why don't you help me. Listen...
144
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,076
...how could a pretty, teenage,
not-so-bright girl...
145
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,999
...earn $1000 in three nights?
146
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,077
Well, let's see.
147
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,352
Either as an opening act
for MC Hammer...
148
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,028
...or perhaps by spanking
elderly gentlemen...
149
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,118
...in a tight black leather outfit.
- Hey, now.
150
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,348
Now, I know my little girl.
151
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:26,109
If she was doing something immoral,
a father would know about it.
152
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:34,359
Daddy, I'm going out now
and I'll be home by dawn. Okay?
153
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,471
Goodbye, pumpkin.
154
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:41,271
You see, a father has a sixth sense
about these things.
155
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,552
Sort of a second eye, if you will.
156
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:49,708
Hello.
157
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,876
No, Kelly's out.
158
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,071
Yeah, I'll take a message.
159
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,670
You have the money...
160
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:02,351
...and you can't wait to see
if she's as good as the guys say she is.
161
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,038
And you'll meet her where?
162
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,280
Well, perhaps I'll see you there.
163
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,752
Don't do anything hasty, Al.
164
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,439
I'm calm. I'm calm.
165
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,029
I'm sure there's a rational explanation
behind this...
166
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:27,233
...and I'll get to the bottom of it
calmly and rationally.
167
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:52,079
Do you believe what that girl
can do with her hands?
168
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,918
You gonna try her next?
169
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,590
Not me. I'm happy just watching.
170
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,833
Nice game, chump.
171
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,430
Well, I guess my daughter
didn't really need braces.
172
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,878
All right, who's the next victim?
173
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,954
Well, looks like no takers, Kelly.
174
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,516
Might as well take a break
until your next match gets here.
175
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,710
Hey, thanks for backing me for only
80 percent of the profit, Mr. Darcy.
176
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,354
Hey, if I as an adult
can't help out our young people...
177
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,279
...then am I not
a part of the problem?
178
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,956
Hey, mister,
you wanna buy a car stereo?
179
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,879
Find me a Blaupunkt and we'll talk.
180
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,593
You gotta give something back.
181
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,350
Well, if you need me,
I'll be over there...
182
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,915
...recalibrating the angles
for my bank shots.
183
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,112
You know, cushions are a little bit
dead to the sides.
184
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,073
- Actually, I have to go wee-wee.
- Okay.
185
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,429
I'll bet there's no one dumb enough
to get suckered in by her now.
186
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:10,349
I don't know, that guy who just
walked in looks awful stupid.
187
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,356
Where's my pumpkin?
188
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,555
Hey, you guys. Have you seen
a cute little blond-haired girl?
189
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,955
Yeah. She just finished off some guy.
190
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,833
If you want a piece of her action,
go see her manager.
191
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,070
That guy over there.
192
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,197
Oh, hi, Al. Man, you should see
your daughter hustle...
193
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,319
Say goodnight, Superfly.
194
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,959
Hi, Daddy. What's new?
195
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,196
Stand back, pumpkin.
He's just about to pop...
196
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,233
...and I don't want teeth and eyes
all over you.
197
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,871
But Daddy, it's not Mr. Darcy's fault.
198
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,514
It was my idea to hustle pool.
199
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,188
Why didn't you tell me
that's what you were doing?
200
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,994
You said you didn't like me
hanging out in these places.
201
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,509
Well, sweetheart,
you were only 5 then.
202
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,119
Well, Jefferson,
looks like I owe you an apology.
203
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,550
Here, let me help you up.
204
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:15,150
There now. Here. All right.
205
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,432
No harm, no foul. Friends, huh?
206
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,350
Honey, this place is a little unsavoury
for you. What say we go in a bar...
207
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,632
...and we get Dad a beer and girlie
magazine and straight home.
208
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,195
Well, I have another match coming.
209
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,198
- Daddy, I can't lose.
- Honey, it matters not.
210
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,198
When it comes to my girl there are
some things more important.
211
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:42,428
I've got $10,000 that says
I can beat any girl in the house.
212
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,598
I think we can handle that...
213
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,551
What's that you say, Jefferson?
214
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,876
I should handle it? You're covered.
215
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:01,035
I'm Slick Stick Jackson.
Who are you?
216
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,277
Who am I? Why, I'm Al...
217
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,509
What's a cool nickname for me?
218
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,116
I'm Al "Daddy" Bundy.
219
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,556
Where's your money, Daddy?
220
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,591
What are you, my wife?
221
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,356
I'll get that money
if I have to dance naked in the street.
222
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,919
Daddy.
223
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,152
- Sailors are the best tippers.
- Thank you.
224
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,153
Hey, blondie...
225
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,311
...and "Action Jackson" over there...
226
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,156
...where's Daddy?
- Strip-search me.
227
00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,438
Let's shoot pool, fat man.
228
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:05,198
Hey, Al, can I get you a chair
or a coffin or something?
229
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,833
Daddy, you look so pale.
230
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,076
That's because I've been
all over town...
231
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,590
...selling pints of blood
to nine blood banks.
232
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,711
Al, the human body
only holds eight pints.
233
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,319
Well, that's what they say.
234
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,080
But the brain hides some.
235
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,793
So you see, Mr. Koppel,
I'm a living example...
236
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,117
...of how the brain
really doesn't need blood to work.
237
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,880
Oh, the pretty colours.
238
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,990
So I'll take that 150
and bet it against...
239
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,749
Hey, everything looks like noodles
in here!
240
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:39,913
Don't worry, Daddy.
241
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,998
As God is my witness,
you will have blood again.
242
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,395
Thank you, Jefferson.
243
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,397
Seven ball.
244
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,599
Double kiss.
245
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,311
Oh, did I win again?
246
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,757
Good girl, pumpkin.
247
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:52,195
Hey, umpire,
he's got a horse in his pocket.
248
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,753
Now, I need a ruling.
249
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,476
Well, you seem
to be doing a lot better, Al.
250
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,989
You stopped air-guitaring
"It's A Small World."
251
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,430
Must be the beer.
252
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,911
The brain doesn't need blood,
just gotta keep the brain wet.
253
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,668
What's going on?
254
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:32,793
Well, you were up five grand
and we could have quit, but you said:
255
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,356
"Damn a unified Germany. Play on."
256
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:42,669
So now if Kelly makes this shot,
you win $10,000.
257
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,555
Well, seem like I do what I was
knowing then, hey, white boy?
258
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,799
Now I gotta give my pumpkin
a little pep talk.
259
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,513
Al...
260
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:57,994
Pumpkin?
261
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,878
What, Daddy?
262
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,758
Well, I was saying,
I'm proud of you, pumpkin.
263
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,188
You're succeeding.
264
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:18,279
I tried to succeed,
but failure was in my blood.
265
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,837
Guess I don't have to worry
about that anymore, huh?
266
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,472
What I'm trying to say
is that the fate...
267
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,432
...of not only King Charles...
268
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,553
...but the entire Restoration,
lies on this shot.
269
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,873
This tape will self-destruct
in five seconds.
270
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,356
As I was saying, pumpkin...
271
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,835
...it's very important
that you make this shot.
272
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,110
It's very, very important.
273
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,598
I made the shot, Daddy.
274
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,398
Yes!
275
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:50,394
We're rich. We've got $10,000.
Where's the money?
276
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,672
Well, a goat ate it, Dad.
277
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,549
A pink one?
Head like George Washington?
278
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,079
Yep, that's the one.
279
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,632
I know that goat.
280
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,149
I didn't trust him
when he took my beer.
281
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,476
I know where he lives.
Come on, pumpkin.
282
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,638
Come on. I'll hold him down,
you take his wallet.1
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,399
Hear ye, hear ye.
2
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,512
I am now officially opening
the weekly Bundy baby meeting...
3
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,188
...which we all look forward to
so much.
4
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,150
Dinner time!
5
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,871
Just kidding.
6
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,198
I love you, Peg.
7
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,992
Just kidding.
8
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:40,914
That was your Daddy.
9
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:46,274
I know he doesn't sound like much,
but he brings in the big bucks.
10
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,478
Now we shall begin
with the traditional salutation.
11
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,191
- Hail, baby.
- Hail, baby.
12
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,431
The baby is not fooled.
13
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,710
- Hail, baby!
- Hail, baby!
14
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:02,958
Good. Very good.
15
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,110
The secretary can read the minutes
from our last baby meeting.
16
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,234
You must forgive Kel, Mom.
17
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,351
But she might just come to life
if you say:
18
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,235
- "I just got paid and I wanna get..."
- That's enough.
19
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,558
Now, Bud, I am promoting you
to temporary secretary.
20
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:26,955
You may read your sister's minutes.
21
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,436
I'm truly honoured.
22
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,832
Hail, baby.
23
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,598
"I can no longer write down...
24
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,598
...the insane bellowing
of what used to be my mother.
25
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,914
This baby is a curse to us all.
26
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:46,271
Wait, I am supposed to rise
and give a 'Hail, baby.'
27
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,072
There, I've done it.
28
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,068
I feel cheaper than I've ever felt,
and that's saying something."
29
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,229
Hail, baby.
I will now read the minutes.
30
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,033
Hail, baby?
31
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,435
You will say 10 "Hail, babys"
in the privacy of your own room.
32
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:14,038
And now we will hear
from the treasurer.
33
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,238
According to my research,
it takes $780,000...
34
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,830
...to raise a baby
from birth through college.
35
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,759
Thankfully, since I sold
a shoe last week...
36
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,438
...I am proud to announce...
37
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:36,952
...that we're now just short $780,000.
38
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:39,873
Thank you very much.
39
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:43,468
Hail, baby.
40
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,717
You'll never guess where we went.
41
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,435
To a store called the Sharper Infant.
42
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,877
Everything
for the upwardly mobile baby.
43
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,435
Their motto is:
"Don't believe the father...
44
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,790
...you really can afford it."
45
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,708
That's right.
Nothing's too good for your children.
46
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,315
Well, I didn't mean you two.
47
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,074
I will be so happy when this kid
is older than we are.
48
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,748
Then maybe we'll get some attention.
49
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,598
Al, we're gonna talk.
50
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,872
So could you go sit next to Jefferson
or the dog or something?
51
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,756
Hey, this is my house.
I sit where I want to.
52
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,718
Look at the catalogue.
53
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:35,079
Nursing bras. And they're sexy!
54
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:36,799
I'm gonna sit over there now.
55
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,396
Hey, Buck,
any room for me over there, boy?
56
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,438
Please don't, I just ate.
57
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,868
You should've seen this place.
Nothing but "pregnoids."
58
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,753
It's been six months
since I've seen a woman with a waist.
59
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,475
Yeah. Women are never sexier
than when they're pregnant.
60
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,548
- You know what I'd do as president?
- What?
61
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,876
I'd get me a big empty state
no one's using...
62
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,389
...you know, a state like Idaho.
63
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,599
Then I'd get every pregnant woman
in the country...
64
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,917
...l'd stick them
into a doughnut truck...
65
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,509
...and I'd convoy them to Boise.
66
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,597
Since nobody cares
anything about Idaho...
67
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,394
...l'd change the name to "Pregnaho."
68
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,990
He must be talking about
his Idaho plan again.
69
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,669
Oh, Marcie,
there's so many things I want.
70
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,759
I mean, look at this baby bedroom
set. I've just gotta have this.
71
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,349
Oh, Peggy, that's $10,000.
72
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,471
Do you think Al can afford it?
73
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,671
Well, what's it to me?
74
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,272
- Let's go get one.
- Well, actually...
75
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,550
...l'm not buying new furniture
for the baby.
76
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,149
My daughter will inherit
all the precious heirlooms...
77
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,674
...that were passed on to me.
78
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,316
Including a beautiful baby desk
in hot pink with a ruffle.
79
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,511
Well, what if your baby's a boy?
80
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,188
Then let his father
get him something.
81
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,473
Oh, my desk.
82
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,750
I used to have this little tea service.
83
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,635
And at my desk I would hold teas
for all my imaginary friends.
84
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:22,230
There was Jennifer,
the most popular girl in the school.
85
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,557
Well, she would never really
be my friend, but at my desk...
86
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,036
...she'd drink four or five cups
of my tea. She'd have to.
87
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,912
I'd make her.
88
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,672
Then there was Robert,
the cutest guy in the school.
89
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,953
Normally he'd just throw his milk
in my face, but not at my desk.
90
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,755
Oh, I could see him now.
Kissing my 4-year-old feet.
91
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,635
Lick them, baby.
Lick them, lick them like a dog.
92
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,232
Oh, the times I would have
at my little desk...
93
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,476
...with my little chair
and my little potty...
94
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,275
...where I'd shove
imaginary Jennifer's face every day.
95
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,198
Yeah, new stuff is fine...
96
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,234
...but how can you put a price tag
on memories like those?
97
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,955
Well, I see since your pregnancy...
98
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,755
...you've stopped taking
your little pills, haven't you?
99
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,956
- So now we got Pregnaho.
- Yeah.
100
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,958
And we got "PMSachusetts."
101
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,990
But where we live
is called "Breast Virginia."
102
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,316
That's mean, Al.
103
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:44,071
She's got you shaking
like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm.
104
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,714
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, last month I
stopped paying for her storage unit...
105
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,672
...took the money and went
to the track.
106
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,916
Does that sound like a man
afraid of his wife?
107
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,799
Jefferson, can I have the keys
to the storage unit?
108
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,635
Watch me con my way
out of this one.
109
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,589
What storage unit?
110
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,756
The storage unit where I keep my
precious, irreplaceable baby furniture.
111
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,673
Good night, sweet prince.
112
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,116
Can I have the keys?
I want to show Peggy.
113
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,915
I love you so very deeply.
114
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,716
What have you done
to my baby furniture...
115
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,037
...which means more to me
than five of you?
116
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,553
And you didn't want them
to come over.
117
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,752
I was wrong.
118
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,636
You let them auction off my baby
furniture? My memories? My life?
119
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,999
And there's the windup
and the pitch.
120
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:51,671
That's out of the park.
121
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,353
Now.
122
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,275
I am going to go
and get my furniture back.
123
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,911
I want you to remain on the floor
and think about what you've done.
124
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,350
Peggy and I are gonna go
to the storage company...
125
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,915
...and get a list of people
who bought my heirlooms.
126
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,598
- Well, why me?
- Because when I get back...
127
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,236
...I want to strip him
of every ounce of human dignity.
128
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,954
And only you can teach me how.
129
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,000
Yeah, she's the best.
She debased me.
130
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,795
You're making me blush.
131
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:33,479
You know, it's true. When we
were married, he was so cute.
132
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:38,708
He demanded three meals a day,
clean clothes, and pillows.
133
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,673
It took me three long days.
134
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,553
But, baby, look at him now.
135
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,117
You can get up now, Jefferson.
136
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,550
She told me not to.
137
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,991
Hear ye, hear ye.
138
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:02,159
I call the third weekly Bundy
anti-baby meeting to order.
139
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:07,269
If we may begin,
we should don our ceremonial hats.
140
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,829
Set sail, baby.
141
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,078
Now we may begin.
142
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,477
The secretary may read the minutes
from our last meeting.
143
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,716
"After feeding Mom
into a doughnut coma...
144
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,190
...and setting pudding traps,
should she awaken...
145
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,516
...we officially booed the baby
and began the meeting.
146
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,517
Dad, my Daddy...
147
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,236
...once again wept with shame
at his involvement in the pregnancy."
148
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,920
I tell you,
I didn't know what hit me.
149
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,993
"And then Daddy said,
'I tell you, I didn't know what hit me.'
150
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:12,391
Bud, my brother, recited from
the Bible, quoting the story of Moses.
151
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,670
He suggested we place the baby
in a basket...
152
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,599
...with a couple of quarters
and a blanket...
153
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,598
...and float it down the Ohio River,
verily, to Cleveland."
154
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,151
Set sail, baby.
155
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,995
"Then we had a two-to-one vote
to replace our Mom...
156
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,078
...with a huge-hootered
Oriental woman...
157
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,195
...who had no vocal chords,
no uterus...
158
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,358
...but can fry a steak like a Texan.
159
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,636
Then Mommy woke up and wanted
to know what we were laughing at.
160
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,671
We said, 'Bud.'
161
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,156
He trolled up the stairs
in a little huff...
162
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,999
...and the three of us
laughed at him until dawn.
163
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,270
That was the beginning
of our anti-Bud meeting."
164
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,398
- Hey.
- Now, now, Bud. Hold on.
165
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,750
She's only kidding you.
Only kidding.
166
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,990
Sit down. What's wrong with you?
Don't you know how he feels?
167
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:26,955
All right, now,
let's get on with the new business.
168
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,670
Has anyone come up with a new name
for the baby?
169
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,275
Shark Bait.
170
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,397
Hemlock.
171
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,916
Piscopo.
172
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,390
- That's a low blow.
- Dad, that's really mean.
173
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,870
I'd like some water.
174
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,718
Why don't you get it yourself?
175
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,837
Marcie told me not to move.
176
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,839
Now, kids, I want you to take
a good look over there...
177
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,395
...and you tell me
what that teaches you.
178
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,357
- Nothing.
- No.
179
00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:01,390
It is that this is the thing can happen
if you let pregnasaurs rule the earth.
180
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,670
Now, we've got one
in our very home.
181
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:08,589
Are we going to let our own great
red pregzilla do this to us?
182
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,799
No.
183
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,677
Are they going to find us
with our legs up in the air?
184
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,390
Well, I can't speak for Kelly,
but they won't find me like that.
185
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,108
Yeah, right.
186
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,276
Like I've never seen you
like that before...
187
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,790
...whenever Pebbles Flintstone wears
a leopard mini-dress.
188
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,554
Now, now, hold it, now!
189
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,320
Now, kids, we're not out here
to attack each other.
190
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,159
We're here to attack the baby.
191
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,316
- All right, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
192
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,831
Look, it's my blanket.
193
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,598
Mr. Edwin Johansson?
194
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,028
Indeed.
195
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:05,232
Sir, I understand that you recently
attended an auction...
196
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,590
...where you purchased
my old baby blanket...
197
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,836
...which was knitted
by my Gamma Judy.
198
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,712
Which I used to comfort myself...
199
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,992
...and to suffocate
my imaginary friend Jennifer.
200
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,636
I can see that it means
a great deal to you...
201
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:22,960
...by the way that it houses your
collection of broken glass and mucous.
202
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,475
But I must have it back at any price.
203
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:26,948
A hundred grand.
204
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,630
How about a chop
to the Adam's apple?
205
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,070
Easy, Marcie.
206
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,633
Let me handle this.
207
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,671
Now look, Al.
208
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,070
I mean, Edwin.
209
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,437
I wonder how I could've
made a mistake like that.
210
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:50,836
I have here a gift certificate
for a free pair of women's shoes.
211
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,237
I dared to dream it
and now it comes true.
212
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,395
Peggy, I feel guilty. I can't have you
spend your coupons on me.
213
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,876
Oh, Marcie. Don't worry about it.
I've got thousands of these.
214
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,356
I steal them out of the cash register
when Al's not looking.
215
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,639
So, what do you say, Edwin?
216
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,713
Make it five $500 worth of shoes
and we've got a deal.
217
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,598
Five hundred dollars?
218
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:17,190
Oh, Marcie, I give away
more than that at Halloween.
219
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,595
Kids just love them.
220
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,279
Give me this blanket.
221
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:29,668
Tell me, sir...
222
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,031
...how has society
turned its back on you?
223
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,073
The plant close down?
The farm went under? What?
224
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,952
Can I help you get a job?
225
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,590
I already have a job. School teacher.
226
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,196
Demand 340.
227
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,429
- And what else do we want?
- Love and affection.
228
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,513
No. We said it had to be
something we all wanted.
229
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,313
I know, how about clean clothes?
230
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,788
- Yes.
- Yes.
231
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,150
Where does it say
because a woman is pregnant...
232
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,316
...she can't take 18 years
worth of socks...
233
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,511
...dump them in a machine
and push a button?
234
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,472
We're being had, I tell you.
235
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,950
And who says she can't get
the wasps off the roof?
236
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,432
Right. If there were pies up there, you'd
have to get a gun and shoot her down.
237
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,592
I want clean, dry sheets.
238
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,312
Well, you know,
because it gets humid in my room.
239
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,793
Yes, dancing with a rubber woman
can make any room a jungle.
240
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:54,314
Look at him. He's probably thinking
up ways to make it up to Marcie.
241
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,159
Yeah. It is kind of sweet
when you think about it.
242
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,432
Play it again, Magic Balladeer.
243
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,318
- I'm Topsy.
- I'm Mopsy.
244
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:30,672
- We're twins. We're your biggest fans.
- We're twins. We're your biggest fans.
245
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,878
What a crummy fantasy.
246
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,312
Yeah, I know, but my wife's mad at me.
It's hard to concentrate.
247
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,710
Hey, here's a little something I know
you girls have been wanting to ask me.
248
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,794
Do you wanna dance
249
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,073
Under the moonlight?
250
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,549
I know. I know.
251
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,751
He must be in great pain.
252
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,878
Okay, so we're agreed.
253
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,231
We show this list to your mother
and we hold firm to our demands.
254
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,274
Rights of the born.
Can I get a "Whoa, born"?
255
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:18,550
Whoa, born!
256
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:26,560
Oh, I think you know what you
have to do for backstage passes.
257
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:32,317
I can't stand to see him
torturing himself like this.
258
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,791
Let's throw him out in the street.
259
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,558
- Mrs. Garcia?
- Yes.
260
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,115
You'll be glad to know that this
is the last stop...
261
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,916
...on an arduous journey to recover
the lost furniture of my childhood.
262
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,077
What?
263
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,595
My desk. My little desk.
264
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,030
Do you mind?
265
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,958
While my friend is paddling
down the river of insanity...
266
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,479
...perhaps we could talk.
267
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,435
Chicken. May I?
268
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,713
Oh, please do.
We keep it out for intruders.
269
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,875
Anyway, it's about this desk.
270
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,789
You see, my friend would really like
to buy it. It means a lot to her.
271
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,589
And over here is where
imaginary Jennifer would sit.
272
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,270
I bet she'd like some nice,
scalding tea in her face.
273
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,119
- What do you think, Jorge?
- Mom.
274
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,668
Anyway, we don't have any money.
275
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,316
But we have a $1000 worth
of shoe coupons.
276
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:43,275
You see, in this country
my husband is a very powerful man.
277
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,357
He's a shoe salesman.
278
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,874
Really?
279
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:52,313
In my country, shoe salesmen are
laughed at by beggars and the feeble.
280
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,912
Our countries are very much alike.
Do we have a deal?
281
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:04,075
Well, I am very touched by your offer
and by your friend's insanity...
282
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:09,078
...but to my family,
this desk is a symbol of America.
283
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,477
It is the very first thing
that we bought in this country.
284
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,389
And we wanted to pass it down
to generation and generation...
285
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,718
...in our family as a symbol
of hope and freedom.
286
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,630
For, although we are not Americans,
our children can be.
287
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,551
All that highfalutin
talk about hope and freedom...
288
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,196
...sure didn't last through
the threat of calling lmmigration.
289
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,194
You're a mighty sick woman, Marcie.
290
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,188
Well, maybe so, maybe so.
But I'm a sick woman with a desk.
291
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:52,839
Where's Jefferson?
292
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,674
He's out in the backyard
singing "Tiny Bubbles" to Buck...
293
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,236
...but that's not important.
294
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,958
Me and the kids
have something to say to you...
295
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,072
...and all pregnoids like you.
296
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:08,719
Tell them, kids.
297
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,672
What?
298
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,195
- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
299
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,073
You should've heard the things Dad
was saying about you and the baby.
300
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,475
Yeah. He was gonna make you
do the laundry.
301
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,955
Yeah. He made us wear these hats.
302
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,594
That's untrue. That's untrue.
303
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:35,877
Well, I handled my husband.
What are you gonna do?
304
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,676
Al, what are you doing
in my fantasy?
305
00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:00,750
I don't know. Last thing I remember
a frying pan bounced off my head.
306
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:02,913
But don't mind me...
307
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,156
...l'm on my way to my own fantasy.
308
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,753
Girls...
309
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,113
...there's a Porsche in my fantasy.
310
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,192
Hey.1
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,036
Do we have the munchies?
2
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,835
Well, how does a nice salami,
goat cheese...
3
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,669
...peanut butter
and crayfish sandwich sound?
4
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,115
Now, I wonder where we could
dig one of those up.
5
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,274
Well, lookie here.
6
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,230
Look out below.
7
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,598
Something's missing.
8
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,677
Here's your ice cream, Mom.
Tabaki and clam.
9
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,313
That's the missing ingredient.
10
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,949
Well, it's not for me,
it's for the baby.
11
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,150
What's she carrying in there,
a chain-smoking otter?
12
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,959
Damn, they always put the clams
on the bottom.
13
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:27,393
Oh, Mom, we saw something very
interesting on the way home today.
14
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,273
We saw some pregnant women
coming out of the supermarket...
15
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,948
...and they were pushing carts
filled with that...
16
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,674
- Oh, God, what do you call it?
- Groceries.
17
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,757
Yeah.
18
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,714
So we'd like to see exactly where
Dr. Spock says...
19
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,549
...that pregnant women can't feed
anyone named Bud or Kelly.
20
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,431
I think it's page 15.
21
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,909
Hey, don't pull that with us.
22
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,190
Bud can read, you know.
23
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,756
Can't I enjoy
the motherhood experience...
24
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,270
...without you two children
yapping at my heels?
25
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,235
Well, I say that the born
have rights too.
26
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,034
Bud and I are one girl
who has had enough.
27
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,838
- Now feed us.
- All right, you little ingrates.
28
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:17,158
The two of you may share a spoon
of my tabaki ice cream.
29
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,635
Yeah, I don't want any tabaki
ice cream. I still have my pride.
30
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,150
I'm not putting anything
that disgusting in my...
31
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,430
Hey, dog food.
32
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,269
I remember this brand.
It's got extra horse.
33
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:36,678
- Hey, well, why isn't Buck eating any?
- He hasn't eaten for three days.
34
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,754
The poor guy. Well, here.
35
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,952
To your health.
36
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,279
Harriet, Ricky, David.
37
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,391
I have a little announcement.
38
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,590
We're gonna have to start
tightening our belts.
39
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,315
We can still keep the help,
can't we, Papa?
40
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,557
Sure, just keep eating that dog food,
oblivious to the problems of the world.
41
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,911
But from now on, I'm gonna need
every nickel we got around here.
42
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:21,271
Al, you haven't said anything
to the baby.
43
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,357
I'm sorry.
44
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,591
Get a job.
45
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,879
Anyway, mall employees are no longer
allowed to park in the free parking lot.
46
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,275
I have to park on the street
two blocks away...
47
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,199
...where the city
has thoughtfully installed...
48
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,550
...new one-hour parking meters.
49
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,389
Yep, I guess they figured that parking
for free and working for a shoe store...
50
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,591
...was arousing too much jealousy.
51
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,197
Gee, I sense a keen
"remember when" speech coming.
52
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,676
Remember when you could park
on the street for free in this country?
53
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,156
Am I the only one that senses that,
slowly but surely...
54
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,430
...our freedoms
are being taken away?
55
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,712
The freedom to park. The freedom
not to fasten your seat belt.
56
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,798
To not have to worry
about having a working muffler.
57
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,312
Back then,
you knew a man was coming...
58
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:14,069
...by the black smoke belching
out the back of his American car...
59
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:19,149
...as he tossed beer cans and
french-fry packages out the window.
60
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,631
Now how's a man
supposed to have fun?
61
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,956
By being with his family?
62
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,515
I weep for this country.
63
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,948
That's very touching, honey.
Now rub my feet.
64
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,397
Peg, I wouldn't rub your feet
if a genie popped out of them.
65
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,711
But be warned about this, I don't
wanna hear about anybody's problems.
66
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,275
Nothing is going to get me
off this couch.
67
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,914
Dad, I think Buck is sick.
68
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:53,957
My baby?
69
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,832
What's the matter
with my hairy man?
70
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,872
We've been married for 20 years...
71
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,958
...and that's just starting
to bother you now?
72
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,879
I was talking about the dog,
Brunhilde.
73
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,079
Well, what's wrong with him?
74
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,191
I don't know,
he hasn't eaten in days.
75
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:19,109
Well, I'm running low on foodstuffs,
so maybe you guys could go out...
76
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,191
Hey, there's a new pet shop
in the mall.
77
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,915
Why don't we go down and see if
we can get Buck a different dog food.
78
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,873
On your way back,
could you stop at Ox Kebab...
79
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:31,709
...and bring me back a John Madden
with the works.
80
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,833
Did your mother say something?
81
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,350
- Who knows.
- Who cares anyway. Who cares.
82
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:57,789
So they have all this time for the dog
and none for me.
83
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,833
Does that mean
I rank below an animal?
84
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:08,871
Yeah. These are frail times
for us both.
85
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,278
You know, I tell you,
by the way they act...
86
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,631
...you'd think that we were
unpleasant to be around.
87
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,433
By the way,
did you bring the gas tablets?
88
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,430
Well, didn't you bring any for you?
89
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,758
I got boxes of that stuff at home.
Jefferson eats it like candy.
90
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,715
He's having
a sympathetic pregnancy.
91
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,115
It's the cutest thing.
92
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,792
Well...
93
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,072
...nobody better pull my finger.
94
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,476
Did you finish
painting the nursery, honey?
95
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:15,356
I couldn't. Every time I'd go
up the ladder, I'd have to go pee.
96
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,109
Then I'd sit there
and nothing would happen.
97
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,598
Look, my feet are all swollen.
They're big as tubs.
98
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,916
I just wanna cry.
99
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,596
I'm just so happy.
100
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,789
God, he's good at this.
101
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,151
Tell me about it.
He felt his baby kick before I did.
102
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,237
Yeah, I did.
103
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,955
Is Al feeling anything?
104
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,071
Well, just the pride
any man would feel...
105
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,635
...who has to ask his son
for an allowance.
106
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,439
My uterus hurts.
107
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,592
Wow, he is good at this.
108
00:08:55,800 --> 00:09:00,510
You know, I just think it's beautiful
how your husband shares your pain.
109
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,709
It is. He's a wonderful man.
110
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,557
I am.
111
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:16,429
Touch me, Marcie,
I wanna feel your warmth.
112
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,670
Good news, Dad,
the D'Arcys are here.
113
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,710
Kids, take a good long look.
114
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:33,674
This is worth
a thousand condom commercials.
115
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,358
All right, let's feed Buck,
unless they've already eaten him.
116
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,310
- Rub my belly.
- Rub my belly.
117
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,511
Rub my belly.
118
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,039
Kids, don't look back.
We'll all be salt.
119
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,438
Come on, Buck.
120
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,076
We got you some new food.
121
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,794
Look, cat parts.
122
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,389
You can taste the meow.
123
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:18,439
Come on, boy.
Tell Daddy what's wrong. Tell me.
124
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,710
- AI?
- What, boy?
125
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,188
It's me, you Milk Dud.
126
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,790
Well, look, I wanna know right this
minute why your feet aren't swollen...
127
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,072
...and you never complain
about your breasts.
128
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,635
Yeah, Daddy, why?
129
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,353
Well, Peg, if you don't have them,
they can't hurt.
130
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,912
Tell them, Marcie.
131
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,957
Kids, I know what will be good
for Buck:
132
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,639
A nice ride in the fresh air.
133
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,114
- Yeah.
- Come on, let's go.
134
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,596
- Come on, boy.
- I'd like to go out into the fresh air.
135
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,711
- Did your mother say something?
- Who knows.
136
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,558
- Who cares anyway.
- Come on.
137
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,517
Gee, what if they love Buck
more than me?
138
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,597
Oh, well, that's just impossible.
139
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,791
You ought to see Buck, Peg,
with his head sticking out the window...
140
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,434
...just like you used to do.
141
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,669
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
I'm glad he's not my husband.
142
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,671
I know I haven't treated you
like I should...
143
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,030
...but it doesn't mean
I don't care about you.
144
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:36,234
Things will change from now on.
You know I always loved you.
145
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,951
I don't know
what's wrong with him, Peg.
146
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,077
Well, maybe he wants
both my pillows.
147
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,831
Comfy, boy?
148
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,710
You want Mommy's robe?
149
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,795
Okay, Dad, look.
150
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,275
We got Buck a hot-water bottle...
151
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,040
...and some new doggy toys.
152
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,832
Well, did you get my tushy loofa?
153
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,640
No. Now, listen. Good news.
154
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,910
Buck's vet says
there's nothing wrong with him.
155
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,953
He thinks he might feel neglected
with the baby coming and all.
156
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,878
Look, kids, let's cheer Buck up.
Get on the bed.
157
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,433
- Okay.
- Okay.
158
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:35,076
Now, let's all make funny faces
to Buck.
159
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,077
- Okay.
- Okay.
160
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:42,155
If I don't get some attention
real soon, I'm leaving.
161
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:43,918
Come on, boy.
162
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,912
Well, I mean it. I'll go.
163
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,838
Hey, I got a good idea.
164
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:53,510
Let's go downstairs and get us some
dog food, show Buck how it's done.
165
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,075
- I like that stuff. It's good, really.
- Come on, boy.
166
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,475
- Let's go and get some grub.
- Now, wait a minute.
167
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:03,277
I need some attention. I'm pregnant.
168
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,191
All right, fine, then I'm leaving.
169
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,391
If you love that dog so much, just...
170
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,830
Just go to him when you need...
171
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,992
...to know...
172
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,110
Oh, well, it doesn't matter,
because I'm leaving.
173
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,639
Did Mom say something?
174
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,434
- I don't think so.
- Mom? Who's that?
175
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,076
And that's why I came home
to Wanker County.
176
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,077
I'm just so happy to be here.
177
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,238
I needed to be around
some normal people, Cousin Eb.
178
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:46,678
And since when do we talk
when a man's got his bag on?
179
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,513
Now, what were you gonna say?
180
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,676
Well, what I wanted to say...
181
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,953
...was that I thought a saw fly
dive right into your feedbag.
182
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,118
What do you think
the rotten meat's in there for?
183
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,548
In case they're not serving anything
at the embassy party you'd like.
184
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,433
Clever bon mot, Cousin Peggy.
185
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,797
So where's Mom?
186
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,675
She's over at Stumptown
for the Festival of the Big'uns.
187
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,155
- Where's Dad?
- Oh, you know your pa.
188
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,352
We keep telling him
it's okay to come down, Ma's gone...
189
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,870
...but he's saving all his courage
for a real run.
190
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,752
Well, I better go say hi.
191
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:41,238
I was always his favourite.
He'll be glad to see me.
192
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:46,514
Hi, Dad. I'm here. It's Peggy.
193
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,118
Well, he must have thought
you were your ma.
194
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,550
He threw down her fork.
195
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,750
And her knife.
196
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,518
Well, I wanna be comforted.
197
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,837
I had a long bus trip
and all I had to eat was my lunch...
198
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,237
...and the lunches of the elderly
who dozed off near me.
199
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,838
And I left home because
I just wasn't getting enough attention.
200
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,510
So now that I'm here,
I wanna be loved.
201
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,068
If you can do it for a hen named Charo,
you can do it for me.
202
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,790
Listen to that tongue. You can still
shrivel a man like a three-hour bath.
203
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,151
Well, don't fret, Cousin Peggy.
I called a family meeting.
204
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,750
We're gonna take
good Wanker-care of you.
205
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,753
It's Possum Boy!
206
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,320
Oh, Possum Boy.
207
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,388
How have you been?
208
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,558
I got run over by one of them
new Mustang cars today.
209
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,838
So you still like to lay down
in the roads in the afternoon?
210
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,600
Heck, you never grow out
of that kind of stuff.
211
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,439
I love the scent of the hot tar...
212
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,871
...the hypnotic spell of the headlights
bearing down on me...
213
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:21,358
...and the feeling of flight
when you go bouncing off that grill.
214
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,352
I'll tell you, you city folk
can keep your Disneyland...
215
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,676
...because there,
when the ride's over...
216
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,270
...you don't wake up in a ditch
next to your breakfast.
217
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,957
Only in America.
218
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,913
Hey, it's Young Kit
and his new bride.
219
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,237
Hi there.
220
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,510
Cousin Effie.
Why, you got married again.
221
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,836
That's the fifth time, isn't it?
222
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,553
Well, they keep dying on me.
223
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,115
That's why, this time,
I married a young'un.
224
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,990
Come on, sweetie.
225
00:16:55,760 --> 00:17:00,276
Ain't he spry? He's still got
all his teeth too. Show her, honey.
226
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,032
I may have to chew his food...
227
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,438
...but when it comes to loving,
thank God he's got six brothers.
228
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:16,114
Peggy, I hear tell
you're from the city.
229
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,709
You got any pictures of breasts?
230
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,672
Well, what particular species
were you looking for?
231
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:30,038
Is this a family reunion
or is this a family reunion?
232
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,595
Now, get us something to eat.
233
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,677
Me? Well, I'm pregnant.
234
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,314
I came down here
so you could take care of me.
235
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,717
Well, don't you worry, Cousin Peggy,
we're gonna take care of you...
236
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,753
...like we take care
of all our expectant women.
237
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,033
See that, Cousin Peggy?
You're looking better already.
238
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,548
Well, who wouldn't...
239
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,911
...after building a table,
changing the oil in the tractor...
240
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,033
...and listening to the old guy
pass gas to the tune of "Dixie."
241
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,590
Now, when do I get something
to eat around here...?
242
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,199
Hey, is that a car passing by?
243
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,229
Gosh. Well, who was that?
244
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,436
If we knew,
we wouldn't be shooting at him.
245
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:31,591
All right, I've had just about enough.
Now, I want someone to rub my feet...
246
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:36,191
...or stroke my hair, or at least give me
a stinking sympathy pain or two.
247
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,429
Sympathy pain. Hear that, Possum?
248
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,076
Boy, the city's taken
the Wanker out of you, cousin.
249
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:47,592
That rich city man you married
has done spoiled you.
250
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,198
That's what happens when you marry
one of them professional men.
251
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:56,315
I don't care how good you are,
no man deserves $3.50 an hour.
252
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,193
It promotes those high-toned ways.
253
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,470
Ain't nothing but sin in the city,
anyways.
254
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,592
I say if you're gonna gyrate naked
on tables for money...
255
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,995
...you should do it for the family.
256
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,393
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
257
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,718
Now, look, I just travelled 200 miles
and 100 years back in time...
258
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,797
...to come and be with you people.
259
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,389
The least you can do
is give me something to eat.
260
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,239
- How about some bacon?
- Oh, yes, please.
261
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,874
You know where the hog pen is.
262
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,517
Come on, Buck, open the hangar.
263
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,598
Look, Daddy likes it.
264
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,073
Now you try.
265
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,514
It's no use.
I mean, it can't be the dog food.
266
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:48,269
Dad's been gobbling it up for days
and he's healthier than he's ever been.
267
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,277
Right, Dad?
268
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,434
Well, I'm finally home.
269
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,392
You went out today, Mom?
270
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,391
I've been gone for a week.
271
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,797
Didn't you get my note?
I left it on the refrigerator.
272
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,434
Now, why would we go in there?
273
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,549
Well, it doesn't matter.
Anyway, I learned two things.
274
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,548
One, trying to hike your skirt up
to get a ride doesn't do much for you...
275
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,751
...when you're six months pregnant.
276
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:28,910
And two, this is where I belong,
with my family that loves me.
277
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,319
You really didn't notice I was gone?
278
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:39,272
Of course we noticed you were gone.
How could we miss you, Mom?
279
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:40,708
Was she really gone?
280
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,509
Never mind. Thanks, kids.
It's good to be home.
281
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,751
Now, let's say we celebrate
by doing something as a family.
282
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,838
Hey, that's a good idea.
We've been cooped up in here for days.
283
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,838
What's say we get some fresh air?
Who'll throw me the Frisbee?
284
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,792
- I'll throw it.
- Good.
285
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,029
Oh, it's a happy Daddy,
it's a happy Daddy.
286
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,912
Well, it's good to be home again
and see things are back to normal.
287
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,350
You know, I just wish someone
around here would appreciate me...
288
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,518
...and know what I'm going through.
289
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,793
Just one lousy, stinking sympathy pain
would be enough.
290
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,994
But I guess that's my fate,
to bear my burden alone.
291
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:46,678
Alone? Look at these nipples.
My paws are bloated.
292
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,668
They k eep shoving food in my face,
when all I need is a hug.
293
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,678
God, I just wanna cry.
294
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,714
Boy, your paws are as big as tubs.
295
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,115
Yours too.
296
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,152
Mom. Mom. Mom. Come quick.
297
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:11,511
Dad's chasing the D'Arcys' car
down the street.1
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,308
As God is my witness...
2
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,274
...I will never drive anyone in
this family anyplace ever again.
3
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,192
All I get from you are complaints.
4
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,870
I think you kids are nuts.
I didn't think it was scary.
5
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,276
Get some glasses, Dad.
6
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,356
For the thousandth time,
I do not need glasses.
7
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,073
You're overreacting. Ask anyone.
8
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,199
Fine. Buck?
9
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,237
I'm telling you,
I do not need glasses.
10
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:13,035
My vision was checked
in the fourth grade and it's perfect.
11
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,638
Then how come you missed
that big sign?
12
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,713
One sign. "Bridge and Zere Street."
13
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,117
No, that was "bridge ends here," Dad.
14
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,315
Daddy, I have never been
so scared in my life.
15
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:27,748
I thought I was gonna die.
16
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,554
Worse than that, I thought
I was gonna die with my family.
17
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,591
How uncool is that?
18
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,751
We didn't go all the way
into the river.
19
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,793
Close enough to hear
the fish hacking.
20
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,397
Come on, Daddy, why don't you just
break down and get some glasses.
21
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:45,633
I mean, what are you afraid of? All it
says is that you're blind and old.
22
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,199
Dad's not old.
23
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,789
I mean, he can still do everything
he used to.
24
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,274
See him sitting there?
25
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,189
Just like when we were babies.
Way to go, Dad.
26
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,158
And it never occurred
to anyone here...
27
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,397
...that I read "bridge ends here"
just fine and floored it anyway?
28
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,276
Now, I'm going to prove my prowess
by reading TV Guide.
29
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,278
"TV Guide."
30
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,114
There. Any more doubters?
31
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,435
Who's on the cover?
32
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,035
Raymond Burr.
33
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,559
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
34
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,508
Raymond Burr, Delta Burke.
35
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,473
Tell me I'm the first one
to make that mistake.
36
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,475
- Well...
- Yeah.
37
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,593
Now, where's
my remote control?
38
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,110
Glasses, eh?
39
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,915
What the hell's wrong
with this thing now?
40
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,828
You know, it doesn't seem right
making fun of Dad without Mom.
41
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,828
Well, she was in a food coma when
we left, so she should be awake soon.
42
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,508
I'm hungry.
43
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,871
Yep, right on time.
44
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,834
Well, I guess it's time
for a trip on down to Cake and Cow.
45
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,072
Damn remote. Kids, get me
some batteries while you're out.
46
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,749
Hey, is...
47
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,475
Is...? Is Al busy?
48
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,230
He's been spending a lot of time
thinking about...
49
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,431
...man's ultimate place
in the universe.
50
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,036
He must be on a break.
51
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,556
Hi, Al. I'm sorry to bother you.
52
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,115
I thought maybe we'd catch
a ball game or something.
53
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,311
I'm not allowed to watch sports
at home.
54
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,353
Marcie feels it's a bad influence
on the foetus.
55
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,632
- What's she watching?
- Chippendales video.
56
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,233
There we go, sports.
Good old American entertainment.
57
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,431
The problem with women
is they'll watch anything.
58
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:18,914
- Yeah.
- We're more selective.
59
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,758
- Right. Who's playing?
- I don't know.
60
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,678
All right.
61
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:27,073
We'll be right back with our Cuban
Little League game of the week.
62
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,554
This could be good.
63
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,955
And don't forget to order
our sports bloopers...
64
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,436
...that weren't funny enough to mak e
it on the 20 other tapes we sell.
65
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,108
And now let's have our sports quiz
for the day.
66
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,471
And the first caller with
the correct answer wins $100.
67
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,593
A hundred bucks?
Hey, Al, you know a lot about sports.
68
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,316
Maybe you could win the hundred
and buy yourself a newer Dodge.
69
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,470
No chance.
These questions are so obscure...
70
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,240
...you have to have no life
whatsoever to get the answer.
71
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,034
Who played centre field
for the Chicago White Sox...
72
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,639
...in the '59 World Series?
73
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,717
Jim Landis. I know that.
That's Jim Landis.
74
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,673
The number is on the bottom
of your screen.
75
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,594
- "One-nine-oh-oh... Five-five..."
- What's the matter, Al?
76
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,597
- Can't you see that?
- Yes, I can see it.
77
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,916
There's too many
damn numbers there.
78
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,957
Nine-five-five...
79
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,035
Hello. Jim Landis.
80
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,834
No, I'm not Jim Landis.
I'm answering the question.
81
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,359
Jim Landis.
82
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,472
What do you mean fish?
Fish didn't play centre field.
83
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,148
Fish was a spin-off on Barney Miller.
84
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,791
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Why would I call a fish store?
85
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,070
- I think you got the wrong number.
- No, I didn't.
86
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,795
I saw those numbers just as plain
as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
87
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,468
That's Fidel Castro.
88
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,633
That's an honest mistake.
89
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,673
Nobody's answered our question yet.
Someone should know this.
90
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,838
We're gonna flash the number
one more time.
91
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,313
- Got it.
- Jim Landis.
92
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,637
Hold everything. We've got a winner.
93
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,759
- My name? Jefferson D'Arcy.
- That's my money.
94
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,748
I'm sorry, Al, you gotta be quicker.
It's a young man's world.
95
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,758
Daddy, what happened to our door?
96
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,074
A young man went through it.
97
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,597
Daddy, what are you doing?
98
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,633
What does it look like, honey?
I'm watching TV.
99
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,876
Turn it off for a second.
I wanna talk to you.
100
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,150
The sports question
is about to come on.
101
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,430
This will only take a minute.
102
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,070
Now, I wanna talk to you
about glasses.
103
00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,992
I don't need glasses.
104
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,909
No, Daddy, you do not want glasses.
And I know why.
105
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,350
You don't want glasses
because you're vain.
106
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,677
Because you're feeling old and ugly.
107
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:16,029
You don't want to be called
a four-eyes, a geek, an owl boy...
108
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,631
...professor, dorko,
Poindexter, Magoo...
109
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,673
- Let's see, what else?
- Goofus.
110
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,713
No, that's more if your ears stick out.
You know...
111
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,551
Go away.
112
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:32,748
I'm not done yet, Dad.
113
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,631
Now, let me tell you a little story about
a boy I used to date in the fourth grade.
114
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,273
He was very handsome.
115
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,392
A tight little butt,
big blue bedroom eyes.
116
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,517
This was in the fourth grade?
117
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,355
Well, he was left back a year.
118
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,631
Hey, Dad, who played
for the Celtics...
119
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,717
...called the best sixth man
in basketball?
120
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,797
- Frank Ramsey.
- Thanks, Dad.
121
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,390
Go ahead, pumpkin.
122
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,071
Anyway, this guy was great.
123
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,794
He was the most popular boy
in the school.
124
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,072
- And then one day, he got glasses.
- And you liked him anyway.
125
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,319
God, no, I dumped him right away.
126
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,838
He looked like an idiot with glasses.
Everybody laughed at him.
127
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,439
Ruined his life.
128
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,757
I think he ended up in an institution
or something.
129
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,751
It's a sad story, I guess.
I don't know.
130
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,839
- Is there a point to all this?
- Yes, there is.
131
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,759
Now, if a guy who had everything
to live for got glasses...
132
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,157
...then there is certainly
no reason for you not to.
133
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,311
For to see is more important
than to be.
134
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,039
You're never leaving home, are you?
135
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,191
I don't think so.
136
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,868
We have a winner.
137
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,957
The answer to our quiz
was Frank Ramsey.
138
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,550
Congratulations today's winner,
Bud Bundy.
139
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,957
Well, let's go out
and get old Dad some glasses.
140
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,388
What for?
141
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,354
So I can see the expression
on your face when I'm choking you.
142
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,509
- I can't.
- No, you do have to.
143
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,358
I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
144
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,790
Relax, Dad. You know,
plenty of cool guys wear glasses.
145
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,391
I'm Wally.
146
00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,117
Please don't want me, I'm married.
147
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,320
Good, then there's hope
for my brother.
148
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,753
Now, Daddy,
show him your prescription.
149
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:17,109
Can you see me?
150
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,278
Just give me some glasses.
151
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,599
Of course, sir.
152
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:27,272
You just go through our veritable
myriad of hip and trendy frames.
153
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,433
Mine, for instance,
are from our Casanova line.
154
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,438
You know, I get more chicks
than my friend who's a dry cleaner.
155
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,957
Kids, listen. I need some help
picking out my frames.
156
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,357
I'm afraid I may not know
what cool is anymore.
157
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,915
You lie.
158
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,990
I mean, the shirt, the pants
and those shoes.
159
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,919
Now surely, those are no accident.
160
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:03,109
No, no, on clothes I'm confident,
but I need help with the glasses.
161
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,197
See, I'm counting on you guys
to help me...
162
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,630
...pick out something cool
yet understated.
163
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,229
Count on us, big guy.
164
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,992
Buck...
165
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,912
...may I present the man
with the goo-goo-googly eyes...
166
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,270
...Specs Bundy.
167
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,955
I can't believe how cool
I look, eh, kids?
168
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,273
Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel?
169
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,392
This is how the young Redenbachers
must feel.
170
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,158
Hey kids, watch this.
171
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,157
TV Guide, s'il v ous plat.
172
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,793
There he is, big as life,
Raymond Burr.
173
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,389
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
174
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,755
Delta Burke, Raymond Burr,
city of Seattle. What's the difference?
175
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,080
Now, who wants to take a ride
with Daddy in the car...
176
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,192
...and read some billboards
from very long distance?
177
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,399
Wow, you mean a chance to cruise
in the dad-mobile?
178
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,556
Listen, Dad, if we pick up
on some chicks...
179
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:50,039
...will you put your sunglasses on
and say, "You is one fine woman"?
180
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,110
Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy, but only if
we can cruise by some of my friends...
181
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,675
...and you stick out your teeth
like a horse and go:
182
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,599
"Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad."
183
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,231
So you're suddenly ashamed
to be seen with old Dad, huh?
184
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,590
Well, I wouldn't say suddenly.
185
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,991
You know, you people reek.
186
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,954
What's bothering you is not that
I have glasses, but that I'm happy.
187
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,912
Well, get ready for a life of misery...
188
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,430
...because I shall continue to be happy
with my new twenty-twenty vision.
189
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,790
Now, I'm about to go out...
190
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,959
...and partake of some of the beauty
which our fair city affords us.
191
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:37,438
If you need me,
I'll be at the nudie bar.
192
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,196
Yeah, babe, well, I guess
old Grandmaster B...
193
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,675
...can fit you into his schedule.
194
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,794
Let's see, how's Friday at 9?
195
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,468
Well, 10's okay too.
196
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,474
Well, look, it doesn't
have to be Friday.
197
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,552
Well, then it's settled.
I'll call you again.
198
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,433
Well...
199
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,910
Well, do you have any idea when
hell is supposed to freeze over?
200
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,838
Hello?
201
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,638
There, there, Cross-dresser B.
202
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,510
Real close, Kel. It's Grandmaster B.
203
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,151
I didn't mean to insult you,
Grandpappy B...
204
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,635
...but I do have something
that might cheer you up.
205
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,278
You make customer of the week
at the free clinic again?
206
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,837
You're quite a jester, Bell-ringer B.
207
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,073
Anyhow, I was doing
a little research...
208
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,511
Well, actually I was talking to
the girls about how ugly you are.
209
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,790
- and it came to light
that Mother Nature...
210
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,514
...has yet to play
its cruellest joke on you.
211
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,518
Now, we knew, way back when,
when you were a baby...
212
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,996
...that you'd be like Dad
and be bald when you're 20.
213
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,679
But guess what.
214
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,634
Odds are you'll be blind
and need glasses too.
215
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,229
Now, just so you're not surprised
when this happens...
216
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,955
...we worked up a little
computer composite of you at 30.
217
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:30,318
You know, Kel,
I'd draw a picture of you at 25...
218
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,239
...but I don't have
a large enough piece of paper.
219
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,718
Thank God, Dad's home. That should
end the cruelty in this house.
220
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,310
How's it going, bottles?
221
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,749
You know, kids, eyesight is a curse.
222
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,996
You can see everything.
223
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,193
My car, for instance. Have you ever
noticed how ugly Daddy's car is?
224
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,350
Well, you gotta catch it
on the right day.
225
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,028
You know, the sun
glinting off the rust...
226
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,119
...the cloth that you use as a gas cap
flapping gently in the wind...
227
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,437
...as it's being proudly towed
towards its destination.
228
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,476
Yeah, well, try to explain my job.
229
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,113
Now let me tell you something...
230
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,357
...people who work putting shoes
on fat women who wear dresses...
231
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,074
...should not have
twenty-twenty vision.
232
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,871
I saw things on human legs today...
233
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,629
...that would have put a white flag
in Schwarzkopf's hand.
234
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,353
- And you know the worst part?
- You actually saw your paycheque?
235
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,633
Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back,
because it just can't be right.
236
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,559
Anyhow, every day at 3:00...
237
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,035
...I see this girl that works
at the aerobics shop.
238
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,310
You know, she flirts with me,
I flirt with her.
239
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,715
It's nothing, but it gets
you through the day.
240
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,910
Anyway, I always thought she was
pretty, but today I saw her...
241
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,236
...and she's 40.
242
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,549
I mean, 40. I mean, she's old.
243
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,472
But Dad, you're over 40.
244
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,678
Yeah, but I'm a guy,
so it's totally different, I mean...
245
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,677
No, I mean, I can't believe it.
She's not a girl. She's a woman.
246
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,797
Well, did she like your new glasses?
247
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,952
Well, what the hell do I care
what a 40-year-old woman thinks?
248
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,996
Then I come home.
249
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,354
Home? I mean, look at this place.
250
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,439
Look at that furniture, look...
Look at that table.
251
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,396
What the hell is this?
252
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,918
That... That's Mom, Dad.
253
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,958
Oh, this is just too much.
254
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,275
And look at me.
255
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,549
I got wrinkles.
Now, I never saw those before.
256
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,511
What happened
to the top of my head?
257
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,195
I'm an old man.
258
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,393
My life is really over.
259
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,830
There.
260
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,710
I feel better already.
261
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,315
Al Bundy's back.
262
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,319
Where's my remote control?
263
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,876
You know, kids, this is a lesson.
264
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,957
Now, I may not see too well.
265
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,948
I may kill a few people on the streets
and occasionally drive into a river...
266
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,920
...but it's better than looking stupid.
267
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,599
You know something?
268
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,109
I feel younger already.
269
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,909
I didn't think there was this much
action on Designing Women.1
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,829
Dad's coming. Dad's coming.
2
00:01:21,912 --> 00:01:24,062
Don't giggle. You'll give it away.
3
00:01:24,272 --> 00:01:27,582
He's not to know Mom commissioned
a painting of herself for $2500.
4
00:01:29,072 --> 00:01:31,381
Really. Don't.
5
00:01:35,112 --> 00:01:38,104
Okay, okay.
Did you leave the price tag on?
6
00:01:38,312 --> 00:01:42,669
No, really, really, don't.
This could kill him, you know.
7
00:01:44,832 --> 00:01:48,029
Wait. Bud, don't we have
a loyalty to the man?
8
00:01:48,232 --> 00:01:50,268
That's a good one.
9
00:01:51,192 --> 00:01:52,420
I think he's coming. Okay.
10
00:01:52,632 --> 00:01:54,987
- Keep a straight face.
- Okay.
11
00:01:56,112 --> 00:01:57,340
Hi, kids.
12
00:02:00,952 --> 00:02:02,590
What?
13
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,305
What?
14
00:02:06,992 --> 00:02:10,428
Nothing.
I guess we just love you so much.
15
00:02:11,072 --> 00:02:13,381
I've had a rotten day
and I'm in a foul mood.
16
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,867
A fat woman came in
and said she was a size five.
17
00:02:16,072 --> 00:02:18,745
I shoved her hoof into a shoe...
18
00:02:19,792 --> 00:02:22,989
...my thumb got stuck
in the back of the shoe.
19
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:27,791
She panicked, reared up,
and galloped around the store...
20
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:30,740
...dragging me on the floor
behind her.
21
00:02:30,952 --> 00:02:33,227
Thank God a stick of butter
popped out her purse...
22
00:02:33,432 --> 00:02:35,150
...and I greased my way out of there.
23
00:02:37,472 --> 00:02:40,145
You know, we can't do this to the man.
We have to warn him.
24
00:02:40,352 --> 00:02:42,263
- Daddy?
- What?
25
00:02:42,472 --> 00:02:44,190
Nothing.
26
00:02:44,912 --> 00:02:47,472
Oh, by the way,
is your mom upstairs?
27
00:02:47,672 --> 00:02:49,105
- No, Dad.
- Good.
28
00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,826
Thank goodness
I don't have to look at her tonight.
29
00:02:55,592 --> 00:03:00,712
Feet. Women. Women's feet. Women.
Painting?
30
00:03:17,352 --> 00:03:18,751
I don't understand.
31
00:03:18,952 --> 00:03:21,671
Now, surely you'd think
he'd be screaming by now.
32
00:03:21,872 --> 00:03:23,863
Well, maybe we don't give Dad
enough credit.
33
00:03:24,072 --> 00:03:27,621
I mean, maybe he realizes
that he's been neglecting Mom lately...
34
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:31,268
...and he's probably pondering that now
as he gazes fondly upon the face...
35
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,064
...of his one true love.
36
00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:35,024
Oh, no!
37
00:03:44,912 --> 00:03:47,028
Or maybe not.
38
00:03:50,712 --> 00:03:51,940
How do you feel, Daddy?
39
00:03:53,792 --> 00:03:57,228
Like any man who just fell two stories
and landed on his head.
40
00:03:57,432 --> 00:03:59,662
Grateful not to be with your mother.
41
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:03,430
- How long was I out?
- Two hours.
42
00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:05,031
Well, why didn't you call 911?
43
00:04:05,232 --> 00:04:07,462
I couldn't remember the number.
44
00:04:09,512 --> 00:04:11,468
Well, it doesn't matter.
45
00:04:11,672 --> 00:04:14,027
Do you know what happened
when I was unconscious?
46
00:04:14,512 --> 00:04:17,788
Oh, yeah. Kelly opened a Coors bottle
with your teeth.
47
00:04:18,872 --> 00:04:21,022
Don't listen to him, Dad.
It was only a soda.
48
00:04:21,912 --> 00:04:23,140
You had some too.
49
00:04:23,352 --> 00:04:25,912
- Shut up. Right in front of Dad.
- You started it.
50
00:04:26,112 --> 00:04:29,263
Oh, please.
It doesn't matter what you did.
51
00:04:29,472 --> 00:04:33,590
It only matters that I actually saw...
52
00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:35,384
...God.
53
00:04:36,672 --> 00:04:38,025
Okay.
54
00:04:38,232 --> 00:04:40,700
Kel, he may not be able
to sell shoes anymore...
55
00:04:40,912 --> 00:04:43,472
...but we can get him a gig
going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
56
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,068
But I really did see him.
57
00:04:47,272 --> 00:04:49,467
Dad, please don't tell
anybody else about this...
58
00:04:49,672 --> 00:04:51,663
...because nobody is dumb enough
to believe...
59
00:04:51,872 --> 00:04:53,942
What did God look like, Dad?
60
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:59,107
I don't know.
I couldn't take my eyes off his shoes.
61
00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:03,347
- You saw God's shoes?
- They were perfect, kids.
62
00:05:03,552 --> 00:05:06,112
Close-fitting,
surrounding each toe individually.
63
00:05:06,312 --> 00:05:09,384
- Probably a soft-worked kid leather.
- Well, what did you say to God?
64
00:05:09,632 --> 00:05:12,942
I said,
"Where'd you get those shoes?"
65
00:05:15,672 --> 00:05:18,027
You had one chance to talk
to the eternal creator...
66
00:05:18,232 --> 00:05:20,268
...of time, space
and the infinite universe...
67
00:05:20,472 --> 00:05:22,747
...and all you asked
is where he got his shoes?
68
00:05:22,952 --> 00:05:24,670
Did you tell him
your football stories?
69
00:05:25,832 --> 00:05:28,266
It was God, you idiot.
70
00:05:28,872 --> 00:05:31,864
He knows my football stories.
71
00:05:32,712 --> 00:05:34,782
Actually, I asked him
something very important.
72
00:05:34,992 --> 00:05:37,790
I said, what socks did he wear?
And you know what he said?
73
00:05:38,432 --> 00:05:41,981
"Don't need them. They're sewed in."
74
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,509
Must I be the meat
in an imbecile sandwich?
75
00:05:59,632 --> 00:06:01,429
Bud, this is important.
76
00:06:01,632 --> 00:06:04,669
Now, Daddy, the next time
that you talk to God...
77
00:06:04,872 --> 00:06:08,262
...ask him
who's really buying Dockers.
78
00:06:10,112 --> 00:06:13,309
Come on. God can't be concerned
with these trivialities.
79
00:06:13,512 --> 00:06:15,184
We're talking shoes here.
80
00:06:15,392 --> 00:06:18,748
Now, kids, I now know
what my mission in life is.
81
00:06:18,952 --> 00:06:22,388
God chose me
to make the perfect shoes.
82
00:06:22,592 --> 00:06:23,820
God's shoes.
83
00:06:24,032 --> 00:06:25,704
Kids, bring me pen and paper
at once.
84
00:06:29,152 --> 00:06:31,268
Thank you.
Take this down quickly.
85
00:06:32,312 --> 00:06:36,749
Thou shalt have shoes
with toes stitched in.
86
00:06:36,952 --> 00:06:41,070
Thou shalt have socks
attacheth to yon shoes.
87
00:06:41,272 --> 00:06:46,346
And thou shalt have a lot of other stuff
that will come forthwith.
88
00:06:46,552 --> 00:06:49,544
It is I, I, Al Bundy...
89
00:06:49,752 --> 00:06:51,788
...who shall shod
the unwashed masses.
90
00:06:51,992 --> 00:06:57,510
I shalt not rest until every foot
sings the praises of thine shoes.
91
00:06:57,712 --> 00:07:01,307
Hallelujah, I say. Hallelujah!
92
00:07:11,872 --> 00:07:15,103
I don't think
I've ever been prouder of him.
93
00:07:16,672 --> 00:07:20,745
Well, God created both of you.
Think of the pride he's feeling.
94
00:07:22,472 --> 00:07:23,700
So let us understand.
95
00:07:23,912 --> 00:07:28,190
Your father has locked himself
in his room to build God's shoes.
96
00:07:31,112 --> 00:07:32,101
And Peggy?
97
00:07:32,432 --> 00:07:35,265
Sensing Dad's delicate condition,
she took back the painting...
98
00:07:35,472 --> 00:07:37,542
...kept the money
and went to the Mardi Gras.
99
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:42,864
He's really been up there
40 days and 40 nights?
100
00:07:43,432 --> 00:07:45,787
Well, actually,
40 days and 39 nights.
101
00:07:45,992 --> 00:07:49,029
He took a break to watch
Planet of the D Cups.
102
00:07:51,712 --> 00:07:54,180
He said God told him to.
103
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:59,305
- Think he'll be all right, Mrs. D'Arcy?
- How much worse can he be?
104
00:08:11,832 --> 00:08:16,462
Behold, I hold God's shoes.
105
00:08:17,352 --> 00:08:19,866
But who holds Dad's brain?
106
00:08:20,592 --> 00:08:24,221
Yea, so it cameth to be
that I laboured 40 days and 40 nights.
107
00:08:24,432 --> 00:08:27,822
Let the rains come.
Thou shalt have shoe.
108
00:08:28,312 --> 00:08:31,349
This should do wonders
for my property value.
109
00:08:31,792 --> 00:08:34,670
Are thine worthy
to gaze upon yon shoe?
110
00:08:34,872 --> 00:08:36,828
Brush your teeth.
111
00:08:37,432 --> 00:08:40,071
Nobody cares about your stupid shoes
and nobody believes...
112
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:43,622
Let me gaze upon the shoes, Al.
113
00:08:45,232 --> 00:08:48,349
Surely you cannot be serious!
114
00:08:48,552 --> 00:08:50,782
Marcie, don't you understand?
115
00:08:50,992 --> 00:08:54,826
Don't you see the glory
and the majesty of what I just saw?
116
00:08:55,032 --> 00:08:57,102
The perfect marketing hook.
117
00:08:57,312 --> 00:09:00,304
And I'm in on the ground floor.
I can see the billboards now.
118
00:09:00,512 --> 00:09:03,948
"Al knows God,
and God knows shoes."
119
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,222
It's a sales bonanza, Marcie.
120
00:09:06,432 --> 00:09:07,911
How much money do we have?
121
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:10,751
Well, I have
several thousand dollars.
122
00:09:10,952 --> 00:09:13,750
You have change for coffee.
123
00:09:14,272 --> 00:09:17,344
I shall go forth unto the people
to reveal God's shoes...
124
00:09:17,552 --> 00:09:21,181
...and multiply upon them.
125
00:09:24,112 --> 00:09:26,945
Let me come with you, Al, and learn.
126
00:09:27,152 --> 00:09:30,986
- How much we gonna charge per pair?
- I will hear nothing of price.
127
00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:33,752
That's your job.
You're the marketing guy.
128
00:09:43,272 --> 00:09:46,309
Hey, babe, this is Grand Master B.
129
00:09:47,552 --> 00:09:50,828
I was wondering if you'd join me
in the back seat of a moving vehicle...
130
00:09:51,032 --> 00:09:54,547
...for a ride so wild
you gots to be 21.
131
00:09:58,912 --> 00:10:02,427
Yes, that was my father
walking the freeway in his robe.
132
00:10:04,752 --> 00:10:06,344
Goodbye.
133
00:10:07,632 --> 00:10:10,942
Boy, you know, they talk about
an illiterate society.
134
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:14,030
Well, it seems to me
that everyone reads the newspaper.
135
00:10:14,232 --> 00:10:16,792
Well, I don't
and I still believe in Dad.
136
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:19,631
Well, not quite as much as I did
with his failure...
137
00:10:19,832 --> 00:10:22,665
...to walk across Lake Michigan
to spread the shoe to Canada...
138
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,227
...but he is going into production
on these shoes.
139
00:10:25,432 --> 00:10:27,343
Five thousand pairs.
140
00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:28,951
Wonder where he got the money.
141
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:32,829
Did I leave my new Rolex over here?
142
00:10:33,672 --> 00:10:36,186
God, I am just
so scatterbrained lately.
143
00:10:36,392 --> 00:10:38,064
I mean, first I misplace my watch.
144
00:10:38,272 --> 00:10:40,024
And then I can't seem to remember...
145
00:10:40,232 --> 00:10:42,905
...this $25,000 check
made out to cash...
146
00:10:43,112 --> 00:10:46,184
...that I seemed to have written
in someone else's handwriting.
147
00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:50,865
By the way, has anyone seen
my soon-to-be-late husband?
148
00:10:52,832 --> 00:10:55,665
Well, who wants to touch
the prototypes?
149
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:59,023
We got thousands of these babies
rolling off the assembly line now.
150
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,391
Jefferson...
151
00:11:01,592 --> 00:11:04,106
...before I tell the baby
why its father is buried...
152
00:11:04,312 --> 00:11:06,906
...in four or five separate graves...
153
00:11:07,592 --> 00:11:10,709
...can you tell me
where every cent I have is?
154
00:11:11,112 --> 00:11:13,182
Advertising, baby.
155
00:11:13,392 --> 00:11:15,860
We contacted all the big talk shows
about having Al on.
156
00:11:16,072 --> 00:11:17,585
He should be on any minute.
157
00:11:17,792 --> 00:11:21,341
Just what big-time talk show
did you book him onto?
158
00:11:32,032 --> 00:11:38,585
Welcome back to Scary Mary's
Real Scary Mummy Movie Matinee.
159
00:11:39,272 --> 00:11:42,662
Now, before we get back
to our feature called...
160
00:11:42,872 --> 00:11:45,432
...What's That in the Bathroom?
161
00:11:45,632 --> 00:11:48,100
...we have a special treat
for you kids.
162
00:11:48,312 --> 00:11:53,511
Our special guest is Al Bundy,
shoe salesman.
163
00:11:58,392 --> 00:12:01,190
I've seen this show. It's excellent.
164
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,349
This is what you booked him on?
165
00:12:05,552 --> 00:12:09,625
Well, every time I called Oprah
it seemed to be lunchtime.
166
00:12:10,152 --> 00:12:12,791
We're on our way, baby.
We're on our way.
167
00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:18,020
Kids, Al here says that he was scared
out of his bedroom window...
168
00:12:18,232 --> 00:12:21,224
...by a picture of his wife.
169
00:12:22,672 --> 00:12:27,666
Al says he saw God
after he hit the pavement.
170
00:12:33,512 --> 00:12:34,945
Then what happened, Al?
171
00:12:35,152 --> 00:12:37,222
Well, Scary Mary...
172
00:12:37,432 --> 00:12:39,309
...I saw God's shoes.
173
00:12:42,352 --> 00:12:44,024
Tell us all about it, Al.
174
00:12:44,232 --> 00:12:45,870
Well, Mary, believe it or not...
175
00:12:46,072 --> 00:12:48,666
...people mock me
for me having seen God's shoes.
176
00:12:48,872 --> 00:12:53,184
They throw things, shoot pellets at me,
sic dogs at me.
177
00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:57,783
And I know some of you kids out there
are the ones responsible for it.
178
00:12:57,992 --> 00:13:00,267
I'll get you, I swear.
179
00:13:00,952 --> 00:13:03,944
But I just persevere
with my message.
180
00:13:05,312 --> 00:13:08,463
Well, there you have it,
boys and girls.
181
00:13:08,672 --> 00:13:10,469
Al Bundy.
182
00:13:10,672 --> 00:13:15,063
You might want to check
under your beds for him tonight.
183
00:13:15,872 --> 00:13:18,625
And now, back to our movie.
184
00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:21,432
Wait. I was told I could
sell my shoes on this show.
185
00:13:21,632 --> 00:13:24,385
- Your producers promised me.
- Look, what do you want from me?
186
00:13:24,592 --> 00:13:26,310
I'm just a hand in a crummy sock.
187
00:13:26,512 --> 00:13:30,300
You'll be a sock full of bloody knuckles
if I don't get to peddle my shoes here!
188
00:13:30,512 --> 00:13:32,070
I'm on a holy mission.
189
00:13:32,272 --> 00:13:34,149
Stagehand! Stagehands over here.
190
00:13:34,352 --> 00:13:36,820
Well, they're God's shoes
and they're real comfortable.
191
00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:39,102
See, the socks are already built in.
192
00:13:39,312 --> 00:13:42,861
- Kids, if you're by the phone...
- See, I wear them myself. See?
193
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:46,860
- 911. Can we get that on the screen?
- I'll kill you, Mary! I'll kill you!
194
00:13:49,552 --> 00:13:52,703
Sell it, baby, sell it.
Next stop, Ted Koppel.
195
00:13:52,912 --> 00:13:54,789
I bet Koppel gives him
the whole half-hour.
196
00:13:55,592 --> 00:13:57,264
Well, maybe 15 minutes.
197
00:13:57,472 --> 00:14:01,021
The rest will be taken up by the
"headless man found in lake" story.
198
00:14:01,232 --> 00:14:04,110
- When did that happen?
- Soon, honey.
199
00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:08,229
Point your staff at them, Dad.
Turn them all into snakes.
200
00:14:08,672 --> 00:14:09,900
That's not a staff, Kel.
201
00:14:10,112 --> 00:14:12,910
It's a branch one of
the neighbourhood kids threw at him.
202
00:14:13,112 --> 00:14:14,340
Well, what's the difference?
203
00:14:14,552 --> 00:14:18,022
He's still got the shoe pointed
at a camera. Way to go, buddy.
204
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,460
Idiot.
205
00:14:19,672 --> 00:14:22,789
You sunk all of my money
into this man's vision?
206
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,745
Hey, trust me just a little, babe.
207
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,102
This is to loosen him up
in front of the camera.
208
00:14:28,312 --> 00:14:31,463
I'm gonna plaster his face
all over the tube.
209
00:14:35,712 --> 00:14:37,942
Welcome to People to Laugh At.
210
00:14:38,152 --> 00:14:40,143
I'm Dr. Jonathan Blue.
211
00:14:40,352 --> 00:14:44,106
Today's panel is made up of people
who have had head injuries...
212
00:14:44,312 --> 00:14:46,587
...and claim to have seen God.
213
00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:48,066
Let's start with Bob here.
214
00:14:48,272 --> 00:14:50,103
Well, I was eating
in this restaurant...
215
00:14:50,312 --> 00:14:52,348
...and a waitress hits my head
with a tray...
216
00:14:52,552 --> 00:14:55,225
...and I saw God
in my hot and sour soup.
217
00:14:55,432 --> 00:14:57,787
He told me,
"Don't order the meat loaf."
218
00:14:59,992 --> 00:15:02,506
Good, Bob. Lola?
219
00:15:03,392 --> 00:15:07,180
I fell off this table I was dancing on
and there he was.
220
00:15:07,392 --> 00:15:09,587
I gave him change for a 5.
221
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,464
Thank you, Lola.
222
00:15:11,672 --> 00:15:14,391
And now, not just a man
who saw God...
223
00:15:14,592 --> 00:15:17,106
...but a man who's actually
gone into business with him:
224
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:18,540
Al Bundy.
225
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,063
Ladies and gentlemen...
226
00:15:21,272 --> 00:15:23,263
...I will demonstrate the power
of the shoes.
227
00:15:23,472 --> 00:15:27,351
I shall release them so you may
see them hover and fly about me.
228
00:15:31,512 --> 00:15:33,230
That's great, Al.
229
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,992
Let's get to some callers,
shall we?
230
00:15:36,632 --> 00:15:39,100
Our first caller is Jerry,
a trucker from lowa.
231
00:15:39,312 --> 00:15:41,951
What would you like to ask
of those who've been touched?
232
00:15:42,152 --> 00:15:44,541
I'd lik e to see the girlie dance.
233
00:15:47,992 --> 00:15:50,108
We'll just go to our next caller.
234
00:15:50,312 --> 00:15:51,540
Derrick from Peoria.
235
00:15:51,752 --> 00:15:54,630
Derrick, do you have a question
about an out-of-body experience?
236
00:15:54,832 --> 00:15:57,300
Yeah, I got this '85 Bonneville...
237
00:15:57,512 --> 00:15:59,707
...and the side mouldings
just won't stay on...
238
00:15:59,912 --> 00:16:04,827
Derrick, that's out-of-body experience,
not auto-body experience.
239
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:09,023
Well, can I see the girlie dance?
240
00:16:17,272 --> 00:16:19,467
Doc, I think we've got another caller.
241
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,826
Okay, okay. Go ahead, caller.
242
00:16:23,032 --> 00:16:25,262
Yeah, this is for the insane guy
with the shoes.
243
00:16:25,712 --> 00:16:27,270
Yes?
244
00:16:27,472 --> 00:16:31,067
My name is Bu... Bub.
Yeah, Bub.
245
00:16:31,272 --> 00:16:34,901
Listen, did you ever once think what
your insanity is doing to your family?
246
00:16:35,392 --> 00:16:37,030
Especially your son.
247
00:16:37,232 --> 00:16:39,063
Put on your pants,
for heaven's sak e.
248
00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:40,990
Go to work, you bum.
249
00:16:41,192 --> 00:16:43,626
Bud? Bud, is that you?
250
00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:46,790
I'm warning you, Dad.
I will not live lik e this.
251
00:16:46,992 --> 00:16:49,347
Don't you understand it's hard enough
to get a date...
252
00:16:49,552 --> 00:16:52,749
These people are morons.
Let's go to the next caller.
253
00:16:55,712 --> 00:16:57,668
No more calls?
254
00:16:58,832 --> 00:17:01,266
Okay, baby, dance.
255
00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,020
All in all, not bad.
256
00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:26,351
Come on, babe.
257
00:17:26,552 --> 00:17:29,430
I still think this God angle's
gonna bring in the suckers.
258
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,860
Oh, please.
259
00:17:31,072 --> 00:17:34,542
The only thing biblical about this
is the proportion of its failure.
260
00:17:36,432 --> 00:17:39,549
If I might be so old
as to interject here.
261
00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:45,707
Now, I will grant you that God's shoes
is somewhat, well, silly.
262
00:17:45,912 --> 00:17:49,666
But not any sillier than the pet rock,
the mood ring...
263
00:17:49,872 --> 00:17:52,067
...or, of course,
NBC's Sunday night line-up.
264
00:17:55,192 --> 00:17:56,830
Now, the point here is:
265
00:17:57,032 --> 00:18:01,708
Why don't we just give Dad a chance?
It might just work.
266
00:18:02,272 --> 00:18:04,547
Why didn't it work?
267
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:07,107
Because it was a stupid idea, Daddy.
268
00:18:07,312 --> 00:18:08,870
I mean, if we think about it...
269
00:18:09,072 --> 00:18:11,028
...God probably doesn't
even need shoes.
270
00:18:11,232 --> 00:18:13,666
He can afford good carpeting.
271
00:18:14,192 --> 00:18:15,784
And if he ever needed anything...
272
00:18:15,992 --> 00:18:18,347
...like a Big Gulp
or batteries or something...
273
00:18:18,552 --> 00:18:21,749
...l'm sure the 7-Elevens up in heaven
don't have those signs that say:
274
00:18:21,952 --> 00:18:24,750
"No shirt, no shoes, no service."
275
00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:27,020
And even if they did...
276
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,588
...who's gonna yank a Slim Jim
out of God's mouth?
277
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,109
Or is all this
just going over your head?
278
00:18:34,312 --> 00:18:36,223
No, honey. No, it's not.
279
00:18:36,432 --> 00:18:39,981
It's just dancing around in there
with some of your other ponderings.
280
00:18:40,712 --> 00:18:42,384
Like, "What would a chair
look like...
281
00:18:42,592 --> 00:18:45,026
...if our knees were
in the back of our legs?"
282
00:18:49,632 --> 00:18:52,590
I made a teacher retire with that one.
283
00:18:53,512 --> 00:18:57,221
Yeah. Well, at least
there's something.
284
00:18:57,432 --> 00:18:58,660
What, Daddy?
285
00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:01,625
They're repossessing Marcie's car.
286
00:19:02,472 --> 00:19:04,224
I didn't know
they had a hood ornament.
287
00:19:04,432 --> 00:19:07,185
No, that's just
what's left of Jefferson.
288
00:19:07,392 --> 00:19:10,031
Well, at least
he's out of his pain now.
289
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,622
You know, I sense you're getting down
on yourself, Daddy, and that's wrong.
290
00:19:13,832 --> 00:19:15,265
I mean, look on the bright side.
291
00:19:15,472 --> 00:19:18,828
Most men with your string of failures
would have long since have tasted...
292
00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:22,024
...the cold, cruel blade
of his own Ginsu by now.
293
00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:23,460
But not you, Daddy.
294
00:19:23,672 --> 00:19:26,903
You keep trying and that's
what makes you Daddy, Daddy.
295
00:19:27,112 --> 00:19:31,105
And as long as you don't tell
any of my friends, I love you.
296
00:19:32,032 --> 00:19:33,784
Well, thank you, pumpkin.
297
00:19:33,992 --> 00:19:36,665
That makes old Dad feel a lot better.
298
00:19:37,592 --> 00:19:39,344
Attadaddy.
299
00:19:48,352 --> 00:19:50,468
See, that's what I was talking about.
300
00:19:50,672 --> 00:19:55,223
Most men wouldn't bother to
flap their arms, but you keep trying.
301
00:19:59,312 --> 00:20:00,950
Daddy?
302
00:20:23,032 --> 00:20:24,704
You again.
303
00:20:27,512 --> 00:20:28,706
You're God?
304
00:20:29,432 --> 00:20:33,186
No. I'm Sidney Rimhollow.
305
00:20:33,392 --> 00:20:36,384
I was a shoe salesman
outside of Tulsa.
306
00:20:36,592 --> 00:20:40,665
I got the idea for these shoes
back in 1925.
307
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,828
Didn't sell a one.
308
00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:46,581
But luckily, I had a loving wife
and two children...
309
00:20:46,792 --> 00:20:49,784
...who hired a hit man to kill me.
310
00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:52,702
Why didn't you tell me
the shoes were no good?
311
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:56,911
Well, you thought I was God.
So I went along with it.
312
00:20:57,112 --> 00:20:59,148
You won't get away with it.
I'm telling God.
313
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:02,350
- Where is he?
- No, no, no. He can't be disturbed.
314
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,020
He's watching Knots Landing.
315
00:21:06,512 --> 00:21:09,470
I always wondered
why that show was never cancelled.
316
00:21:15,872 --> 00:21:20,548
Well, where's my cloud,
my harp and my virgin?
317
00:21:21,752 --> 00:21:24,664
Sorry, Al, you're not dead yet.
318
00:21:24,872 --> 00:21:28,262
But this time we're not
sending you back empty-handed.
319
00:21:28,472 --> 00:21:29,985
Listen. I got this idea...
320
00:21:33,112 --> 00:21:37,469
So you see, kids, there's really
no reason to worry about me anymore.
321
00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:39,628
I have divine guidance now.
322
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:42,585
Sid and I put our heads together
and came up with a new idea.
323
00:21:42,792 --> 00:21:45,226
Shoehorn of Plenty.
324
00:21:45,432 --> 00:21:48,708
See, kids, it's kind of a combination
shoe store and burger joint.
325
00:21:48,912 --> 00:21:50,948
While you eat, you try on shoes.
326
00:21:51,152 --> 00:21:53,746
By the way, did I say
the burgers coming down the shoot...
327
00:21:53,952 --> 00:21:55,704
...will be shaped like a shoehorn?
328
00:21:57,152 --> 00:21:58,870
No, Dad, you didn't.
329
00:21:59,072 --> 00:22:01,950
Well, I can't take credit for that idea.
That was John Wayne.
330
00:22:02,152 --> 00:22:03,870
But you know
what our motto's gonna be?
331
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:07,542
"If you're not shod,
the meal's on God."
332
00:22:08,552 --> 00:22:11,862
I guess that'll put to rest
those rumours of my insanity.1
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,672
Where's Dad? It's almost time.
2
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,792
Well, the shoe store closed
about five minutes ago.
3
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,718
He's gotta count the day's receipts...
4
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,150
...so he should be walking in
any second now.
5
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,555
The day has finally come.
6
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,593
Perhaps the proudest day
in the history of the Bundy household.
7
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,711
I want the whole family
to share in this.
8
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,394
Buck, you ready, boy?
9
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,751
Calm down, Buck.
10
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,472
- Where's Mom?
- She's out shopping.
11
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,989
Good. Then the whole family is here.
12
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,433
Man, what a day.
13
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,437
After all the praying, the dreaming...
14
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,473
...the saving of every penny,
the Bundys have finally arrived.
15
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,159
Today...
16
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,952
...we get cable TV.
17
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,991
Yes. Yes.
18
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,112
- Can I get a "whoa cable"?
- Oh, yeah.
19
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,914
Whoa, cable!
20
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,958
All right. Now, kids,
the cable should come on any minute.
21
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,232
But to make every day our birthdays,
I have a very special gift.
22
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:18,433
May I present the Cadillac
of television controls:
23
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:22,076
The Channelmaster 2000.
24
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,672
Hey, don't touch it, you swine.
It's mine.
25
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,358
Man, this baby can do anything.
26
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,755
Changes channels backwards,
changes them forward.
27
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,996
It's like having a wife
crouching by the TV...
28
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,191
...except I wouldn't mind
sleeping with this.
29
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,793
And it's got a half-a-mile radius.
30
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,676
Why, I could control Marcie's TV
sitting right here by my command post.
31
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,757
Matter of fact...
32
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,714
- Oh, Dad, you shouldn't do that.
- Oh, Dad.
33
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:57,918
All right, enough frivolity.
Kids, man the cable book.
34
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,590
I am turning on the TV.
35
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,272
What's this?
36
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,040
It's the Japanese Channel, Dad.
37
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,751
- What's this?
- It's the Polka Channel.
38
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,794
- What's this?
- That's the Stained Glass Network.
39
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,910
There doesn't seem to be much
on cable either.
40
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,394
Kids, fear not.
41
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,718
We still have
78 more channels to go.
42
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,548
Well, what's wrong, Dad?
43
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,548
I just never thought I could be
so happy sitting next to you two.
44
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,550
All right, guys, get ready.
45
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,513
In front of us lies
all the entertainment...
46
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,996
...that the great minds
of show business can provide.
47
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,152
Well, Dad...
48
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,555
...you've been sitting there
for 36 hours straight now.
49
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,559
I will not give up.
50
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,069
I am paying $60 a month
to be entertained...
51
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:10,319
...and I will be entertained
if I never enjoy another day in my life.
52
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,118
Oh, now, this is better.
53
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,756
Yeah, here's the
Sally Struthers Whining Channel.
54
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,079
Oh, look at the starving children.
55
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,113
Boy, man, now we're having fun.
56
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,310
And stay tuned for Cagney & Lacey.
57
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,948
Oh, Daddy, I have been so wronged.
58
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,434
You have been so wronged?
59
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,393
Look what I'm spending
60 bucks a month for.
60
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,353
Well, at least l... At least I got this.
61
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:46,956
Now I feel lucky.
62
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,756
Today on the Medical Channel,
Doctor Bob removes an ovary.
63
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,475
Well, you may as well bore me
with your problems.
64
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:57,908
Okay.
65
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,635
Well, my whole modelling class went
down to be on public-access television.
66
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,434
You know,
for our poise-and-personality tests.
67
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,995
So, what'd you do?
Spin diaphragms on your fingers...
68
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,475
...while singing
"Somewhere in the Night"?
69
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,519
Anyway...
70
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,517
...every girl was supposed
to be on TV.
71
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,712
But did I get a turn?
Ask me if I got a turn.
72
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,036
Ask me. Just go ahead and ask me.
73
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,599
No, I did not.
And you know why?
74
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,473
Because my teacher, Mrs. Jones,
doesn't like me.
75
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,753
Because one day she wore
a pair of jeans that said "Guess"...
76
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,428
...and I guessed size 42.
77
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,950
Instead of giving me a prize,
she cops an attitude.
78
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,878
Anyway...
79
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,512
So every girl got to be on TV...
80
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,870
...but then they ran out of time
before my turn.
81
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,277
Now I don't even have a tape
for when it comes time for my grade.
82
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:57,879
Now, come on, Kel.
83
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,516
There's gotta be plenty of
videotapes of you lying around.
84
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,628
Now, what's wrong with...
85
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:09,594
...the " I can make my dress go this
high" classic from the third grade?
86
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:11,599
Gee, Bud, it's Friday night.
87
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:15,588
Shouldn't you be taking a shower,
getting dressed up and going to bed?
88
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,077
Oh, Daddy, my life is over.
89
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,236
I wish I was dead.
What should I do?
90
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,432
Well, honey,
I'm glad you've come to me.
91
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,315
- Because I have plenty...
- Look, Dad. Look. Hooters!
92
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,273
- Where? Where?
- Right there.
93
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,555
That's an elbow, son.
94
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,879
Well, look whose word
you were taking.
95
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,678
Hi, Al.
96
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,158
You know, the weirdest thing's
been happening over at my house.
97
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,796
The channels on the TV
began changing all by themselves.
98
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,479
Would you do me a favour?
99
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,116
Could you turn on the Public Access
Channel? Marcie's gonna be on.
100
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,630
Oh, great, even the old and boring
get on before me.
101
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,875
Welcome back to
Short-Haired Women in Banking.
102
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:22,232
And now for the question our financial
experts have been dying to ask.
103
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:27,116
How does a short-haired woman
juggle a career, carry a baby...
104
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,915
...and still manage
to sexually satisfy her man?
105
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,836
Well, it's not easy.
106
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,793
Actually my husband has
been feeling a little left out...
107
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,513
...because the baby's coming.
108
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,349
So we've been playing out
my role as Mommy in bed.
109
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,553
Sometimes he's a bad boy
and needs a good spanking.
110
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,076
Well, I guess I was wrong.
Marcie's not gonna be on.
111
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,553
As a matter of fact,
he used to have a little problem...
112
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,752
...with, shall we say, hang time.
113
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,272
But I told him not to worry,
it's not him.
114
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,754
"I just have some banking problems
on my mind."
115
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,797
Hey, how'd she get on TV anyway?
116
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,433
It's public access.
117
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,235
Anyone with $35 and a pack of lies
to tell about her husband can get on.
118
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,194
- Here we go.
- Can I have $35 to be on TV, please?
119
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,516
Honey, we're not millionaires.
120
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,875
Now, honey,
I know you're disappointed.
121
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,231
But if this counts for anything,
you'll always be my little girl...
122
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,670
...and I'll always have time for you.
123
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:43,279
Oh, Daddy.
124
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,313
Now that's a hooter.
You see what I mean?
125
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,994
Oh, my gosh.
126
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:03,710
And stay tuned for
The All White Guys Slam Dunk Contest.
127
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,233
Dad, you haven't left the house
in three days now.
128
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,590
Not that it would matter
if you lost your job...
129
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,713
...but it's embarrassing having your
old Dodge parked out front all day.
130
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,274
I mean, what if people
start thinking it's mine?
131
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,112
I am not getting off the couch
until I find something to watch.
132
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:27,710
Well, there you go,
Roger Ebert's Dance Party.
133
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,518
It's almost time for Kelly's debut
on the Public Access Channel.
134
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,429
Oh, good. That won't bring
any more shame to the family.
135
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:37,873
What do you think she'll do?
136
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,197
A scholarly discussion
of Ezra Pound's poetry?
137
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,197
Or getting her hair stuck
in her mouth...
138
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,868
...and chasing it around
the way a dog chases its tail?
139
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,752
Like a dog.
140
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,234
Am I on yet? Am I on yet?
141
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,876
- Is that me?
- It's a cartoon, honey.
142
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,591
Oh, it's coming on. It's coming on.
143
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:04,316
Everyone expected a piece of fluff, but
we wanted to do something important...
144
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,875
...something the youth of America
could relate to.
145
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,753
You know, issue stuff.
146
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,672
Today's topic: Cute butts
and the men they're attached to.
147
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,354
Hi, welcome to my show. I'm Kelly.
148
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,551
Now, as you all know,
it costs $35 to put on a show...
149
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:38,072
...so I asked my Dad for the money,
but he's a shoe salesman.
150
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:43,272
So I had to turn to my unemployed
teenage friends for the money.
151
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,238
I just plugged you, Daddy.
152
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,079
Yes, you did, pumpkin.
153
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,149
And now I would like
to introduce my guests.
154
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:55,114
Cyndy, she gave $10. As did Roberta.
155
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:59,996
And Samantha, who's rich because her
dad knocks off convenience stores...
156
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,353
...gave $14.50.
157
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,236
And my very special guest,
who gave an eye-popping 50 cents...
158
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,829
...Mr. Vinnie Verducci.
159
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,276
So, what would you like
to talk about, Vinnie?
160
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,235
Well, I'd like to take
the pro or con side...
161
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,112
...whichever is against...
162
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,915
...the enforcement of
motorcycle helmet laws.
163
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,793
I mean, say I pull up to some chick.
164
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:36,915
Now, I'm doing a conservative 75
in a 30-mile-an-hour zone...
165
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:41,557
...so of course I only have seconds
to seduce her with my eyes.
166
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,911
You see this look?
167
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:51,038
How are they supposed to see it
with Tupperware strapped to my head?
168
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,035
I'd look like that dork the Rocketeer
for God's sakes...
169
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,153
...which, by the way,
was death at the box office.
170
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:03,069
Now, I've fallen on my head
100 times...
171
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,558
...and you don't hear me crying,
"I can't think. I can't think."
172
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,715
What were we talking about?
173
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,388
Men's butts.
174
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,829
I'd like to see them try
and get a helmet on my butt.
175
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,312
Thank you, Vinnie.
Your 50 cents is up. Get out.
176
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,475
And now I would like
to introduce our band:
177
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,989
Joanie and the Slashettes!
178
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,078
One, two, three, four.
179
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,157
Soda!
180
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,993
Do you believe that they wrote that
in the elevator coming up here.
181
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,953
The mind wobbles, doesn't it?
182
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,433
Okay. Now, as I recall, we were right
in the middle of men's butts.
183
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,477
Cyndy...
184
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,192
...who do you think
has the cutest butt?
185
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,356
I do.
186
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,996
No, we're talking about men's butts.
187
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,758
Mel Gibson.
188
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,474
Lethal Weapon...
189
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,714
Okay. Okay, girls. Let's get serious.
190
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,956
Two, three, four.
191
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,793
Serious!
192
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,875
Which brings us to a tragic story.
193
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,833
A girl... We'll call her Jeannie.
194
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,235
- got a bad perm.
195
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,235
I know that this must be
very hard for you, Jeannie.
196
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,716
Thank you for being here today.
Now...
197
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,632
...what went through your mind
when you first saw your perm?
198
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,034
I screamed.
199
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,709
I cried. I ran the gamut.
200
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,673
You poor thing.
201
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,394
Remember, folks,
it's up to you to help.
202
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,990
You can make a difference.
Phone your pledges in now.
203
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,714
Call 555-PERM.
204
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,631
Ladies and gentlemen...
205
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,559
...this could happen to you!
206
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,670
And now another number
from our band.
207
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,636
Two, three, four.
208
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,719
Spit!
209
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,634
Makes you think, doesn't it?
210
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,397
Okay, now it's time
for my favourite part of the show.
211
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,797
We're gonna talk about girls
that we don't like.
212
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:50,477
The Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff
with Kelly slut of the week is:
213
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,069
Two, three, four.
214
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,157
Slut!
215
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,268
Thank you.
216
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,755
Is Vicki.
217
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:17,115
Now, not only is Vicki too cheap
to give $1.50 to be on the show...
218
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,993
...but she also borrows clothes
and doesn't give them back.
219
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,952
And if she does...
220
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,594
...she doesn't give them back
with the hanger.
221
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,995
- She's trash.
- She's dirt.
222
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,599
She gave me this perm.
223
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:35,998
So for all these things...
224
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,876
...we all give you, Vicki,
a big get-a-yeast-infection salute.
225
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,230
And now on to career talk.
226
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,274
- What?
- Ask me the question.
227
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,675
Oh, right. Say, Kelly...
228
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,792
...we understand that you go
to modelling school.
229
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,958
Well, I'm glad that you
brought that up, Roberta.
230
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,634
My classmates
are a bunch of skanks.
231
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,719
And my teacher stinks.
232
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,071
They wouldn't let me be on TV.
It's because they're jealous.
233
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,589
But I'm on now, aren't I?
234
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,714
Well, I can see by the clock
on the wall that it's...
235
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,349
Five, 10, 15, 20...
236
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,632
But before we go...
237
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,196
...I would like to do a number
with the band that I wrote myself.
238
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,277
Ladies.
239
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,474
Two, three, four.
240
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,232
I'm on TV and you are not
Drop dead, Mrs. Jones
241
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,234
Die!
242
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,079
Size 42
243
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,431
Two, three, four.
244
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:14,992
So, what'd you think?
245
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,989
I mean, it was great, right?
246
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,037
Well, honey...
247
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,879
...we're gonna have
a little meeting over here.
248
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,273
Kelly, you go over there.
249
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,148
Now, she tried really hard.
250
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,918
- We can't hurt her feelings.
- Yeah.
251
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,350
We gotta think of something nice
to say to her.
252
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:45,879
How about, "At least they didn't...
253
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,674
...send the Energizer Bunny
through the show"?
254
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,235
Let's be nice to her this one time.
255
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,793
Now... I know.
256
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,675
Let's go over and say
that we didn't see it.
257
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,431
Honey, we have something to tell you.
258
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,875
Well, I have something to tell you too.
259
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,594
They love me.
I'm gonna be on every week.
260
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,950
So, what were you gonna say?
261
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,636
Dad's dramatic reading in a pathetic
attempt to get on Kelly's show.
262
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,637
Take six.
263
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,476
Thank you, Daddy. Thank you.
264
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,875
Honey, now to help you choose...
265
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,640
...do you think I should do
"The Girl from lpanema" again?
266
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,717
No. Please, no, Daddy.
267
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,955
Now, listen, I appreciate
whatever it was that you were doing...
268
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:28,550
...but the station wants a show with me
and the girls. And I'm really having fun.
269
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,478
Why can't you
just be proud of me?
270
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,719
Well, I am proud of you, pumpkin.
271
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,798
I hope the show does even better
so that I can be more proud of you.
272
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,955
Little untalented and ungrateful
flash in the pan.
273
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,151
Out of the way!
274
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,428
Oh, boy, that was painful.
275
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,835
I'm glad I don't have
to go through that again.
276
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,152
Kel...
277
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,030
...you gotta picture the whole
thing in a pair of Speedos.
278
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,074
That's what we think.
279
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,909
Tell us what you think on the subject.
Briefs or boxers?
280
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,953
Don't let it be his decision.
281
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,553
Dad, it's been three weeks
and Kelly's show is still on.
282
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,239
I think it's taken off.
283
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,433
Can it be that we were wrong?
Can this be a success?
284
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,154
Well, son, I don't know anything
about TV...
285
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,430
...don't know anything
about the world...
286
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,837
...don't know anything
about Siegfried & Roy's home life.
287
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,675
But I do know that Kelly is a Bundy.
288
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,714
And there's no way in the world
a Bundy will succeed at anything.
289
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,912
Does that make you feel better, son?
290
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,915
Oh yeah, Dad. I'm high as a kite now.
291
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:30,116
Good. Because any time now, she's
gonna come through that door crying:
292
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:34,791
"Daddy, Daddy, it's all over.
People realize my show stinks.
293
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,150
I should have had you on.
294
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:42,595
Only you, the mighty duke of Earl,
could have saved my show.
295
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,674
But now it's too late and I failed."
296
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,069
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
297
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,633
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
298
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,116
Well, pumpkin,
what could have happened?
299
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,069
They contacted me
down at the station.
300
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,432
And?
301
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,070
A real network wants
to put my show on prime time.
302
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,077
- I'm going to Hollywood!
- What?
303
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,350
- Yes! Yes!
- Hollywood?
304
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,679
Get on out of here!1
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,712
Last week on Married With Children...
2
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,356
...Kelly got her own talk show
on public-access TV.
3
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,878
Who do you think
has the cutest butt?
4
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,348
Mel Gibson.
5
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,473
Lethal Weapon opening tomorrow!
6
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,911
It was a success,
and everyone auditioned.
7
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,072
Kelly said she'd think about it.
8
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:02,597
But she went it alone.
And that strategy paid off, because.
9
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,995
A real network wants
to put my show on primetime.
10
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,553
- I'm going to Hollywood!
- What?
11
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,749
- Hollywood?
- Yes! Yes!
12
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,078
And now,
Married With Children continues.
13
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,430
I can't believe
we're going to Hollywood.
14
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,119
It's a dream come true.
15
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,670
The place where any guy with a cheap
chain can call himself a producer...
16
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,156
...to dumb babes getting off the bus
from Des Moines.
17
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:29,678
Dad, your little boy's going home.
18
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,716
I'm sure that Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy
and Doc will be glad to have you back.
19
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,350
Now, kids, before we go
to the land of broken dreams...
20
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,678
...and cheap bikini love,
I want you to be prepared.
21
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:47,793
Because Hollywood is not like
our quaint little hometown of Chicago.
22
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,279
People in Hollywood are
always out for the quick buck.
23
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,516
They're nothing
but a bunch of brownnosers.
24
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,073
Now, I want you to remember...
25
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:04,400
...that the only people who really care
about you as a person is your family.
26
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,194
Hi, everyone. I hear you're going to
Hollywood and I wanted to come by...
27
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,551
...and give you my best wishes.
And I don't want anything.
28
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,268
Well, that's nice,
but you're blocking the door.
29
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:20,155
Oh, really? Oh, well, I didn't mean to.
30
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,314
Goodbye.
31
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,475
Oh, but before you go,
there's just one thing I wanna say.
32
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:34,029
I am willing to leave my husband
if you will just take me with you.
33
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,508
I will do anything for you.
34
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:41,989
I will procure for your little brother,
I will brush your father's teeth.
35
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,792
Hey, I will even be your bodyguard.
36
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,468
Let me prove myself
by killing someone.
37
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:50,070
Just point to someone you don't like
and I'll happily kill him.
38
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,630
- Kiss him goodbye.
- Now, Marcie, just a second, here!
39
00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,668
Now, why don't you just... out of here.
40
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,071
I mean, we got a plane to catch.
41
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,754
Oh, please, take me with you.
42
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,471
I'm a pregnant banker jet-skiing
towards 40, for God's sake!
43
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,069
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed
in high school...
44
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:18,872
...and I have a reunion coming up.
45
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,709
At least let me be able to say
that I slept with Chuck Woolery.
46
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,277
Ease by her carefully, kids.
They say the mad have strength.
47
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,916
Hey, hey, at least let me be
Slut of the Week.
48
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,429
I'm already pregnant!
49
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,069
Take a deep breath, kids,
and smell that show biz.
50
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,152
I can't believe we're at the hub
of the NBS network.
51
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,191
This is where it all happens.
52
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,674
Did you see the bathroom?
53
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,997
I tell you, I'm still giddy
with the thought that just possibly...
54
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,351
...I might have sat on
the same toilet seat as Bob Hope.
55
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,238
Yeah, Dad, but I'm sure Bob Hope
didn't walk out of the stall...
56
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,353
...with his pants around his ankles
proudly singing "That's Entertainment."
57
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,912
You loved it when you were 3.
58
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,873
I can't believe we're actually here.
And it's all because of my little girl.
59
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,756
It's times like this that I wish
I'd stayed home nights and studied...
60
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,349
...so I could make something
of myself, like Bud.
61
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,431
Okay, kids, enough fun.
62
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,437
We don't wanna miss
the big picture here.
63
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:51,914
We are in the loop.
64
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,712
Just look at those walls.
65
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,229
Kids, we can be among the first...
66
00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:00,638
...to see the new, exciting shows
on the fall schedule.
67
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,398
Gaze proudly, kids.
68
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:03,828
Oh, just think.
69
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,749
Someday my picture will be hanging
next to such exciting shows as...
70
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,597
"Ellen and Her Dog"?
71
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:15,315
"Spik e Le Bee,
New York City School Teacher"?
72
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,957
"Art Allante, PI."
73
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,878
"Black Cop, White Girl."
74
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,754
"Me and the Shiksa"?
75
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,157
"The Homeless Detective."
76
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,474
Oh, come on.
77
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,876
Daddy, do they
have to hang my picture here?
78
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,116
- It's Gig!
- Gig, can I have your autograph?
79
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,916
Oh, my God. It's Gig Fontaine,
star of Tugboat Danger.
80
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,639
Gig, please, please.
81
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:57,152
I love you. I love you all.
But I'll love you first.
82
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,753
I can't believe this.
83
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,269
- Give us a smile, Gig.
- Just an autograph, please?
84
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,199
Gig! Gig!
85
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,637
What's that guy got that I don't?
86
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,673
Shall I start above
or below the waist?
87
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,553
Daddy, did you see how
those people were surrounding him...
88
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,877
...just so he'd sign his name?
Do you think that'll happen to me?
89
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,995
Well, probably not until
you learn how to spell your name.
90
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,117
Well, I have something to say.
91
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:24,673
If I become rich and famous...
92
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,440
...I am gonna share it
with everyone that I love.
93
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,835
Oh, and you guys too.
94
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:34,519
Daddy, I am gonna get you a car
with door handles and a gas cap.
95
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,517
And a rear-view mirror...
96
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,837
...not just one of Mom's old compacts
glued to the window.
97
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,789
- And windshield wipers?
- You got it, big guy.
98
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,030
And I'm gonna get Mom
what she's always wanted.
99
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,674
Maybe that young guy
down the block who paints houses.
100
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,351
And, Bud, get me a Coke, will you?
101
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,876
Hi, I'm Jeff Littlehead. Now...
102
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,753
Which one of you is Kelly Bundy?
103
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,595
That would be I.
104
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:12,917
Welcome to NBS,
where we say quality counts.
105
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,156
We don't believe it, but we say it.
106
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,680
You reek of avocado.
107
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,555
Now, be nice, Bud.
They eat vegetables in Hollywood.
108
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,671
And we are a stranger in his land.
109
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,797
Now, there are no strangers
here at NBS...
110
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,959
...if you don't mind me kissing
a little heinie for a moment.
111
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,151
We're like a big family.
That's what we are.
112
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,989
A big, happy family. Living, loving,
nurturing and supporting our talent.
113
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,236
Here we never forget your name.
114
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,078
Mr. Littlehead?
115
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,949
- Who are you?
- Rock Turboman.
116
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,237
Oh, glad to meet you.
I'll have a hamburger.
117
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,597
No, I'm the star of your new series,
Young Ben Franklin.
118
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,957
Yes, yes, I know.
Well, what can I do for you?
119
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,031
Well, I know the ratings
have been low...
120
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,708
...but I'm kind of thinking
of buying a new house.
121
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:02,434
You think I should?
We're not being cancelled, are we?
122
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:05,148
Oh, son, son, damn the ratings.
We love the show.
123
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,510
America loves the show.
It'll be on forever.
124
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,153
You, you buy that house.
125
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,238
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- All right. All right, Ben Franklin.
126
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,910
Electricity! Bifocals! Kites!
127
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,157
He's gone.
I cancelled him this morning.
128
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,155
You'll have his time slot.
129
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,040
Hey, Dad, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
130
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,516
- That he can get both of us chicks?
- Yeah.
131
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,556
Well, are you ready to see your set?
132
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,514
Lead on, Mr. Littlething.
133
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:42,478
Well, it's Littlehead,
but, well, you can call me anything.
134
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,229
Just don't call me late
to a Dick Chamberlain miniseries.
135
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,910
Oh, Daddy, we're gonna
go look at my set.
136
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,439
I really feel like a star.
137
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,989
Pumpkin, to me
you've always been a star.
138
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,988
Oh, please. Just the other day you
were saying when you were a boy...
139
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,158
...you used to water things
smarter than her.
140
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,915
Well, you said, "What's the difference
between Kelly Bundy and an elephant?
141
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,396
One is grey, has four legs and a tail,
and the other's a moron."
142
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,278
- Well, you told me that joke about...
- Okay, now, time-out, guys.
143
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,439
Let's not fight. This should be
a happy moment. Okay?
144
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,599
I'd like my checks
sent to me directly.
145
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,400
I'll deliver them personally.
146
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,117
Right this way, Miss Bundy.
147
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,548
Arigato, gentlemen.
148
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,958
This, Miss Bundy, is all yours.
149
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,517
Yes!
150
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:28,956
Oh, God, I don't believe this.
I mean, all this for me.
151
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,797
I just want you to know that if I become
a success, I will never change.
152
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,672
Great.
153
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,957
Are you really the guy
in Home Alone?
154
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,872
Yes!
155
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:53,234
Now, listen, if you two lovely young
ladies would like to be in the sequel...
156
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,193
...Home Alone With Sex Toy...
157
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,278
...just write down your names
and numbers here.
158
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,236
I also wrote down my special talents.
159
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,396
There's five minutes to rehearsal,
Miss Bundy.
160
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,075
Oh, God. Oh, God.
161
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,473
- Daddy?
- Oh, just a second, pumpkin.
162
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,233
Now, Jeff, I've been thinking.
163
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,479
Just in case this new fall season,
you know, shall we say, blows...
164
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,274
...l've been fooling around
with some ideas for new shows.
165
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,517
Let's run this up the flagpole,
see if it waves. Stay with me here.
166
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,073
There's this mystic guy...
167
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,317
...wandering across the West
in search of his long-lost brother.
168
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,078
Now, instead of guns...
169
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,679
Get this.
170
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,759
- he's fitted with an assortment
of fighting footwear.
171
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,755
It's called Kung Shoe.
172
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,115
- Now, Daddy?
- Not quite yet, pumpkin.
173
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,231
I think I got him hooked.
174
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,953
Okay, here's another idea.
175
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,833
Let's toss this in the oven,
see if it bakes.
176
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:11,473
Now, there's a shoe salesman
in the 23rd century, called Shoe Trek.
177
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,113
Okay, I got another idea.
178
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,630
Let's toss this in the bed with Madonna
and see if she sleeps with it.
179
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,353
Now, this has nothing
to do with shoes...
180
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,950
...but it's a hot idea
and I'd like to be personally involved.
181
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,276
It's called Breasts.
182
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,671
I just don't feel it.
183
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,555
What a surprise, huh?
184
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,516
All right, pumpkin, I want a five.
185
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,515
Daddy, I'm scared.
I mean, what if I'm not any good?
186
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,438
What if my intellectual bons mots...
187
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,633
...and witty little intersections
are only appreciated in Chicago?
188
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,594
I mean, back there
I was a big fish in a small bottle...
189
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,793
...but now I'm in Los Angeles,
the Big Apple.
190
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:02,308
What if I stink?
191
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,759
Pumpkin, I want you to have
as much confidence in yourself...
192
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,837
...as I had in my own self.
193
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,554
Of course, my present lack
of faith is understandable...
194
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,036
...since your average parking meter
makes more a day than I do.
195
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,753
But don't you worry.
196
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:21,272
You can be a huge success because
you have what every Bundy has:
197
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,038
Cute.
198
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,550
We're irresistible.
199
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,310
So you can succeed at anything.
200
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,074
- Because I'm special?
- No! Because it's show business.
201
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,316
You don't need talent or brains.
202
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,150
Thank you, Daddy.
203
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,871
We're ready for rehearsal,
Miss Bundy.
204
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,835
- Wish me luck.
- Pumpkin, I wish you more than luck.
205
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,794
I wish you satisfaction and success.
206
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,880
Because if you are a success,
I'll be so rich...
207
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,629
...l'll be able to hire somebody else to
put their hands down my pants for me.
208
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:09,636
Rehearsal in three, two, one...
209
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,638
Welcome to
Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly.
210
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,717
I'm Kelly.
211
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,394
Okay, be cool. We're on TV.
212
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,832
Now, as you know if you were watching
channel 99 in Chicago last week...
213
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,156
...our topic was men's butts.
214
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,989
Now, we all felt that we didn't
explore men's butts sufficiently.
215
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,909
In fact, one butt
was left totally uncovered.
216
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,199
So to make it up to him...
217
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,313
...the Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff
with Kelly Butt of the Year is...
218
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,392
...Jason Priestley.
219
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,275
Beverly Hills, 90210!
220
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,515
Two palms up.
221
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,233
And if he is watching, we are staying
at the fabulous Motel Two...
222
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,318
...on the corner of Ghetto and Gang.
223
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:13,436
Oh, turn left at the hobo
who calls himself Moondoggie.
224
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,349
And now, on to an issue and stuff
that really sticks in my drawer.
225
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,312
Bad dates.
226
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,597
Roberta, why don't you tell us
and the entire nation...
227
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,429
...the story you told us after we all
swore that we would never tell anyone?
228
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,717
Sure.
229
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,674
Johnny DiBedetto.
He takes me to a movie...
230
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,757
...and you know how he likes
to put his tongue in your ear?
231
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,150
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
232
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,919
Well, he goes at it,
and the next thing I know...
233
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:45,032
...he sucked my earring
down his throat.
234
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,150
Not the blue ones
with the chains that hang?
235
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,912
He can't do anything right.
He once stuck his tongue in my eye.
236
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,998
Me too. He swallowed my contacts.
237
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,513
He missed my entire head
and got my dog, Wilbur.
238
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,914
Well, girls, what we've learned here is
that if you ever go out with Johnny...
239
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,830
...don't wear anything that'll fit down
his throat. You stink, Johnny.
240
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,512
- He is kind of cute, though, isn't he?
- Yeah.
241
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,792
Okay. Now I would like
to introduce our band:
242
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,355
Joanie and the Slashettes.
243
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,439
Girls?
244
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,995
Two, three, four...
245
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,077
Sex!
246
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,956
Well, I'm jelly.
247
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:49,433
We'll be right back with our resident
bad-perm victim, Jeannie.
248
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,310
This week, Jeannie has agreed
to let us shave her head.
249
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,393
Might as well. It's ruined.
250
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:04,799
Cut!
251
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,550
That was great. God, it was fabulous.
252
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,070
It was now, brown cow.
253
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,788
Thank you, Mr. Littlepants.
254
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,315
And thank you for
letting me do my own vision.
255
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:23,069
My own creation.
The fruit of my own loins.
256
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,271
- You really liked it?
- Oh, it was great.
257
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,233
You stepped up to the plate
in the bottom of the ninth...
258
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,750
...with the bases loaded, trailing
4-1 in St. Louis on a hot afternoon...
259
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,394
...100 degrees,
120 on the natural turf.
260
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,114
And the wind-up,
and here's the pitch. It's a hit!
261
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,312
That ball's going back, back,
way back, to the back of the wall.
262
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,638
Grand slam! And look!
Some lucky fan's got the ball right now.
263
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,071
And he wants your autograph!
Where's your pen?
264
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,593
Daddy, what the hell
is he talking about?
265
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,918
Just smile at the suit, pumpkin.
266
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:07,549
What I'm saying is, we love what
you're doing. Don't change a thing.
267
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:12,276
But before you go on, we just have
a few tiny little suggestions.
268
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,957
I can't believe they ruined
then cancelled my show.
269
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,358
Now, pumpkin, they just used research
and testing to mould the show...
270
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,074
...into something they felt
really related to the teens.
271
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,396
As we shall see,
research is never wrong.
272
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,358
And now, here's Kelly Bundy.
273
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,270
Hi. Welcome to my show. I'm Kelly.
274
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:46,031
Today we're gonna talk about
making our parents' lives easier.
275
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:49,678
- Neat.
- Keen.
276
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,757
Dy-no-mite.
277
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,912
You kids aren't just whistling Dixie.
278
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,157
Now let's hear a number
from our band.
279
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,428
Two, three, four...
280
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,278
Milk.
281
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,831
Thank you, Joanie and the Hepcats.
282
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,508
Now, let's talk seriously
for a moment.
283
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,438
We all wanna make
our parents happy...
284
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,393
...because they gave us
this precious gift of life.
285
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,034
Isn't that right,
fellow virgin teens just waiting...
286
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,151
...for the right man to come along?
287
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,315
- Neato.
- Right.
288
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:36,475
We'll be right back with library books,
the perfect Friday-night date.
289
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:37,954
Band?
290
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,474
Book.
291
00:20:56,280 --> 00:21:00,273
- I didn't like my hair.
- Please.
292
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:04,473
You know something?
There is a bright side to all of this.
293
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,878
- What's that, Daddy?
- It's that nothing bad happened to me.
294
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,236
I mean, it's possible
that the Bundy cloud of failure...
295
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,558
...passed through me onto my children,
as I only dared to dream.
296
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,197
I mean, imagine,
nothing bad happened to me.
297
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,190
Next week, NBS presents
a new, exciting miniseries.
298
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,790
Joe Piscopo in Shoe Trek.
299
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,193
The shoe sizes are down, captain.
300
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,796
Mr. Sock, heels on stun.
301
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,754
Well, that's it. From now on,
nothing but cable for me.
302
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,952
Send money for the children.
303
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:51,237
Loofa the wrinkles away
the Ernest Borgnine way.
304
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:56,958
Hey, senior citizens,
are you losing your hearing?
305
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,439
Are you man enough
for a penile implant?1
00:01:37,855 --> 00:01:39,891
You stink.
2
00:01:41,095 --> 00:01:43,529
Why'd you turn down that job?
3
00:01:43,735 --> 00:01:45,088
What job?
4
00:01:45,295 --> 00:01:47,445
The job I dreamed Lee lacocca
offered you...
5
00:01:47,655 --> 00:01:49,964
...when he came into the shoe store.
6
00:01:50,535 --> 00:01:52,844
You're mad at me
for something I did in a dream?
7
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,854
Well, you don't do anything
when I'm awake.
8
00:02:07,015 --> 00:02:11,167
Al, put down the book,
I'm going to sleep.
9
00:02:14,495 --> 00:02:16,326
Why don't you get a second job?
10
00:02:16,535 --> 00:02:20,164
You know, lots of families
are two-income families.
11
00:02:21,215 --> 00:02:23,729
You see, Peg, two incomes
means that two people...
12
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:27,007
...you know, in the same family, work.
13
00:02:28,535 --> 00:02:31,732
Well, I don't have two husbands
in this family.
14
00:02:32,175 --> 00:02:33,449
Oh, come on, Al.
15
00:02:33,655 --> 00:02:36,533
It would just mean you have to work
eight hours more a day.
16
00:02:36,735 --> 00:02:39,044
I mean, you waste more time
than that sleeping.
17
00:02:41,815 --> 00:02:44,170
Peg, see my face?
18
00:02:44,695 --> 00:02:48,654
This is the face of a man
who sells shoes all day long.
19
00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:52,606
Now look at my face the way
it would look if I had another job.
20
00:03:01,175 --> 00:03:03,530
Well, I can live with that.
21
00:03:04,095 --> 00:03:05,323
Oh, come on, honey.
22
00:03:05,535 --> 00:03:08,208
If you don't do it for me,
just think of Kelly and Bud.
23
00:03:08,415 --> 00:03:10,770
Aren't they worth
another eight hours?
24
00:03:11,295 --> 00:03:13,092
Kids!
25
00:03:19,055 --> 00:03:21,125
The defence rests.
26
00:03:21,815 --> 00:03:23,533
Get out.
27
00:03:24,575 --> 00:03:25,803
To conclude:
28
00:03:26,015 --> 00:03:28,575
You can stab me with knives.
You can beat me with clubs.
29
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,653
You can make me open my eyes
while we're having sex.
30
00:03:34,055 --> 00:03:38,048
But believe me, Peg,
there is nothing you can do or say...
31
00:03:38,255 --> 00:03:41,486
...that will ever make me consider
getting another job.
32
00:03:43,975 --> 00:03:47,968
Oh, I forgot to tell you, honey.
I joined the Record-of-the-Month Club...
33
00:03:48,175 --> 00:03:51,884
...so we have to cut back
on a few household expenses.
34
00:03:52,415 --> 00:03:54,610
Dad, the phone's dead!
35
00:03:54,815 --> 00:03:57,329
Don't worry, I'll call them.
36
00:04:10,695 --> 00:04:13,732
- Yeah?
- I came for the job.
37
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,608
It can get rough.
38
00:04:15,815 --> 00:04:18,488
I played high school football.
39
00:04:19,695 --> 00:04:22,687
- So you think you can handle it?
- What do you think?
40
00:04:25,775 --> 00:04:27,572
Let's give it a try.
41
00:04:36,415 --> 00:04:39,168
Bathroom's in there. Good luck.
42
00:04:46,295 --> 00:04:48,126
Get that too.
43
00:04:53,015 --> 00:04:55,165
Boy, to be a private eye.
44
00:04:55,375 --> 00:04:58,048
Babes and bullets flying around
everywhere.
45
00:04:58,255 --> 00:05:00,405
Good chance that
one of them might hit you.
46
00:05:01,695 --> 00:05:03,572
I'd be a great private eye. Yup.
47
00:05:03,775 --> 00:05:06,164
Al Bundy, trouble is my business.
48
00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:09,845
I carry a mop.
I clean a detective's bathroom.
49
00:05:10,055 --> 00:05:12,011
Oh, God!
50
00:05:22,175 --> 00:05:24,405
Mr. Dallas?
51
00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:39,409
I want to live.
52
00:05:43,935 --> 00:05:48,929
- What?
- No... I said my name is Al Bundy.
53
00:05:49,135 --> 00:05:51,330
I'm Jack Dallas' new partner.
54
00:05:51,535 --> 00:05:54,333
Sit down and show me your tail.
I mean, tell me...
55
00:05:54,535 --> 00:05:55,968
Tell me your tale.
56
00:05:57,575 --> 00:06:00,851
It all started a few months ago.
57
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,250
She was a sultry dame.
58
00:06:03,455 --> 00:06:07,687
Dressed to the nines,
except for a pair of cheap pumps.
59
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,769
And man, was she a look er.
60
00:06:10,975 --> 00:06:14,684
She had more curves
than the Matterhorn at Disneyland.
61
00:06:15,455 --> 00:06:17,844
And there didn't appear
to be any Japanese tourists...
62
00:06:18,055 --> 00:06:21,570
...standing in line ahead of me,
waiting for the ride.
63
00:06:25,295 --> 00:06:27,172
She was some dish...
64
00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:29,764
...hot as my neighbour's dinner.
65
00:06:29,975 --> 00:06:32,489
By the way,
why don't I ever eat dinner?
66
00:06:34,375 --> 00:06:36,286
Oh, well, that's another case.
67
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:40,207
Oh, my God, she's crossing her legs.
68
00:06:43,055 --> 00:06:44,693
So, what do you think, Mr. Bundy?
69
00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:47,412
What?
70
00:06:48,295 --> 00:06:49,853
About my problem.
71
00:06:51,015 --> 00:06:53,529
I guess I should have been listening.
72
00:06:56,895 --> 00:06:59,932
How would a real PI handle this?
73
00:07:00,135 --> 00:07:01,329
I know.
74
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,049
What?
75
00:07:03,695 --> 00:07:08,530
My uncle, the great explorer,
Colonel Franklin Van Pelt...
76
00:07:08,735 --> 00:07:11,203
...is about to bequeath
the famous diamond...
77
00:07:11,415 --> 00:07:15,454
...known as the Pharaoh's Eye
to a member of my family.
78
00:07:15,655 --> 00:07:20,206
I know he's going to leave it to me.
So do all of my other relatives.
79
00:07:20,415 --> 00:07:23,134
I need you
to be at the family ceremony...
80
00:07:23,335 --> 00:07:25,405
...and protect me in my bequest.
81
00:07:25,615 --> 00:07:27,970
Will you take the case, Mr. Bundy?
82
00:07:28,855 --> 00:07:30,925
Cross your legs the other way, baby.
83
00:07:38,535 --> 00:07:40,651
Mr. Bundy?
84
00:07:41,015 --> 00:07:42,164
What?
85
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:45,448
The case, will you take it?
86
00:07:45,655 --> 00:07:47,930
I need your help desperately.
87
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:50,730
I wanted to tell her the truth...
88
00:07:50,935 --> 00:07:54,211
...but one look
into her troubled thighs...
89
00:07:55,535 --> 00:07:58,607
...and I knew I had to play this out
to the bitter end.
90
00:07:58,815 --> 00:08:02,012
Or at least until I saw some hooter.
91
00:08:07,535 --> 00:08:10,174
I don't have much to offer.
92
00:08:10,375 --> 00:08:12,411
How does a hundred bucks sound?
93
00:08:12,615 --> 00:08:14,367
Oh, I'll pay.
94
00:08:24,015 --> 00:08:25,733
So this was my case...
95
00:08:25,935 --> 00:08:28,369
...protecting the babe from her family.
96
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:31,089
They were an ugly bunch,
but the old man, the colonel...
97
00:08:31,295 --> 00:08:33,286
...seemed lik e a decent guy.
98
00:08:33,495 --> 00:08:35,531
I think he felt a bond between us.
99
00:08:38,775 --> 00:08:42,006
I guess I should pay attention
to what he's saying.
100
00:08:42,895 --> 00:08:45,409
- What?
- Your foot is on my cat.
101
00:08:47,415 --> 00:08:48,928
Sorry.
102
00:08:49,335 --> 00:08:50,529
I'll be right back.
103
00:08:50,735 --> 00:08:53,374
I'm just going to get my coat
out of the car.
104
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:57,011
Uncle keeps it just freezing in here.
105
00:08:58,255 --> 00:09:00,325
As I watched her leave,
I suddenly realized...
106
00:09:00,535 --> 00:09:03,095
...who really did put the "bomp"
in the "bomp sh-bomp."
107
00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:15,929
I think I said that out loud.
108
00:09:18,495 --> 00:09:20,053
Oh, well.
109
00:09:20,615 --> 00:09:24,051
I look ed over the family.
You could tell they hate the old guy.
110
00:09:24,255 --> 00:09:26,007
Sure, he was paying the bills...
111
00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:28,092
...but from the look
of Vanessa's shoes...
112
00:09:28,295 --> 00:09:32,174
...he was as tight as the skin
on Joan Rivers' face.
113
00:09:33,335 --> 00:09:38,204
But if they feared or hated me,
they sure hid it well.
114
00:09:49,495 --> 00:09:53,283
All right, you fruits and vegetables...
115
00:09:53,495 --> 00:09:58,250
...it's time now to see
which one of you pond scum...
116
00:09:58,455 --> 00:10:01,811
...will get the prize of
the Van Pelt family.
117
00:10:04,575 --> 00:10:05,803
Oh, uncle...
118
00:10:06,535 --> 00:10:08,366
...we don't care about the jewel.
119
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,725
We just want you to live forever.
120
00:10:11,775 --> 00:10:15,609
Nice set of lips
to reach my heinie from there.
121
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:21,805
That's a good one,
Colonel Van Sanders.
122
00:10:22,015 --> 00:10:24,927
- Who are you?
- Your worst nightmare...
123
00:10:25,135 --> 00:10:27,888
...a shoe man with a badge.
124
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,289
No.
125
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:33,170
My worst nightmare
is a hooker with cold hands.
126
00:10:34,815 --> 00:10:39,093
Well, I won't keep you ferrets
waiting any longer.
127
00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:41,571
The new owner...
128
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:44,528
...of the Pharaoh's Eye...
129
00:10:44,735 --> 00:10:46,726
...shall be...
130
00:10:47,975 --> 00:10:52,048
- Who turned the lights out?
- Who's touching my breasts?
131
00:10:52,615 --> 00:10:55,493
Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman.
132
00:10:55,895 --> 00:10:57,294
What's happened?
133
00:11:00,175 --> 00:11:04,327
Nobody move. I suspect everyone
and I suspect no one.
134
00:11:04,535 --> 00:11:06,253
What are you looking at?
135
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:10,773
Oh, Mama.
136
00:11:11,335 --> 00:11:13,451
He killed our beloved uncle.
137
00:11:13,655 --> 00:11:16,727
And worse yet,
he's stolen the Pharaoh's Eye.
138
00:11:18,175 --> 00:11:20,006
Oh, Mama!
139
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:28,887
So let me get this straight.
140
00:11:29,095 --> 00:11:31,051
Now, you went for a job as a janitor...
141
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:34,645
...took a case as a private detective,
and now you're wanted for murder?
142
00:11:36,335 --> 00:11:37,973
Essentially.
143
00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:41,490
Well, then can I have
my allowance now?
144
00:11:42,055 --> 00:11:44,330
I'm wanted for murder, you dolts.
145
00:11:44,535 --> 00:11:46,093
The cops are gonna track me down...
146
00:11:46,295 --> 00:11:49,093
...and send me to the hoosegow.
I could use a little help.
147
00:11:49,295 --> 00:11:50,967
I have a plan, Daddy.
148
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,606
It would be you, pumpkin.
149
00:11:58,855 --> 00:12:00,891
Now, Daddy,
the cops are probably watching...
150
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:04,167
...the airports and the train stations
and the bus stations, right?
151
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,811
Well, there is one way out.
152
00:12:08,015 --> 00:12:10,813
You could dig a hole to China.
153
00:12:11,895 --> 00:12:14,455
I saw Bugs Bunny do it once.
154
00:12:16,175 --> 00:12:18,450
Daffy never found him.
155
00:12:19,175 --> 00:12:23,851
Pumpkin, if Daddy gets the chair,
would you sit in his lap one last time?
156
00:12:28,735 --> 00:12:29,929
I'd be honoured.
157
00:12:33,815 --> 00:12:36,613
Look, Dad, it's obvious
you cannot hide out here.
158
00:12:36,815 --> 00:12:39,488
Why? You figure this is the first place
the cops'll come?
159
00:12:39,695 --> 00:12:43,244
No, I got a girl coming over
and quite frankly, you embarrass me.
160
00:12:44,855 --> 00:12:46,971
Al, Al. I just heard it on the radio.
161
00:12:47,175 --> 00:12:49,006
There's a $50,000 reward
on your head.
162
00:12:49,215 --> 00:12:51,649
We've gotta act fast.
Here, put on this hat.
163
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,732
Put on this coat.
164
00:12:54,055 --> 00:12:55,283
Put on this cuff.
165
00:12:56,695 --> 00:12:58,970
I've got him! Come in and shoot!
166
00:12:59,455 --> 00:13:00,968
Shoot!
167
00:13:01,175 --> 00:13:04,724
Shoot him! Shoot him with your gun!
168
00:13:06,015 --> 00:13:07,653
So I ran.
169
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:10,164
You would too
if you had a price on your head...
170
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:13,208
...and a bad burrito in your belly.
171
00:13:13,855 --> 00:13:17,894
Amazing how many lock ed bathrooms
there are in Chicago at night.
172
00:13:18,895 --> 00:13:21,250
I was tired of running.
173
00:13:21,455 --> 00:13:24,413
I knew what I had to do.
174
00:13:33,015 --> 00:13:35,848
I think you have
a little plumbing problem in there.
175
00:13:36,855 --> 00:13:38,493
Anyhow...
176
00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:41,209
...I called you all together
here tonight...
177
00:13:41,415 --> 00:13:45,693
...because I knew that the one person
who had the diamond...
178
00:13:45,895 --> 00:13:47,567
...would not be here.
179
00:13:47,775 --> 00:13:49,367
But we're all here.
180
00:13:51,095 --> 00:13:53,051
Then forget I said that.
181
00:13:53,495 --> 00:13:57,090
What I meant to say
was that the killer...
182
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:58,808
...is you.
183
00:13:59,015 --> 00:14:01,290
And just what do you base that on?
184
00:14:01,495 --> 00:14:03,611
Absolutely nothing.
185
00:14:03,975 --> 00:14:06,364
Which is why the culprit is you.
186
00:14:07,295 --> 00:14:11,083
Sorry, dick, it's well-known
that I'm deathly afraid of the dark.
187
00:14:11,295 --> 00:14:12,489
I was frozen in place.
188
00:14:19,495 --> 00:14:22,612
Who touched my breasts?
189
00:14:37,135 --> 00:14:38,932
It was me.
I had to check out your story.
190
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,931
Which brings us to you.
191
00:14:45,535 --> 00:14:47,924
You plunged the knife
in your uncle's back...
192
00:14:48,135 --> 00:14:50,330
...then snatched the diamond
with your free hand.
193
00:14:50,535 --> 00:14:55,131
One gets to meet so few true fools.
194
00:15:00,495 --> 00:15:02,850
Which only leaves the killer...
195
00:15:03,055 --> 00:15:04,408
...you.
196
00:15:04,615 --> 00:15:06,571
Come on, Leonard, admit it.
197
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:11,007
You were the criminal mastermind
that put this intricate plot together.
198
00:15:11,215 --> 00:15:12,648
Now what do you have to say?
199
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:15,407
Daddy?
200
00:15:17,695 --> 00:15:19,526
Okay.
201
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:22,446
Gee, then maybe it was me.
202
00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:25,331
I'm sorry, Al.
203
00:15:25,535 --> 00:15:28,333
I wanted to believe you.
204
00:15:29,735 --> 00:15:31,532
I'm calling the police.
205
00:15:32,295 --> 00:15:34,604
Freeze, baby.
206
00:15:34,815 --> 00:15:36,771
Where were you
when the lights went out?
207
00:15:38,015 --> 00:15:41,291
- I was outside in the rain.
- Were you?
208
00:15:41,535 --> 00:15:43,810
I prefer to think that you're the killer.
209
00:15:44,015 --> 00:15:46,245
- Oh, my God.
- That's ridiculous.
210
00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:49,094
- You have no proof.
- Don't I?
211
00:15:49,295 --> 00:15:50,933
Sit down.
212
00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:02,247
I say that you never did
go outside that night.
213
00:16:02,455 --> 00:16:04,685
You waited by the door
for the right moment...
214
00:16:05,295 --> 00:16:08,526
...hit the light switch, dumped
the vase on yourself to get wet...
215
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,885
...and stabbed your uncle!
216
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:13,131
You still haven't proved anything.
217
00:16:13,335 --> 00:16:17,214
Like the man in the stall said to
the man waiting, "Give me time, baby."
218
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:22,250
When we met I couldn't
help but notice your shoes...
219
00:16:22,455 --> 00:16:25,253
...the same shoes you have on now.
220
00:16:25,495 --> 00:16:27,247
I used to sell shoes.
221
00:16:27,455 --> 00:16:29,332
For years.
222
00:16:29,775 --> 00:16:32,050
When I was a teenager,
but not when I'm grown up...
223
00:16:32,255 --> 00:16:34,849
...because a real man
wouldn't have a job like that.
224
00:16:35,975 --> 00:16:38,808
And I recognized these shoes...
225
00:16:39,015 --> 00:16:42,087
...the Malaysian A220 Stilettos.
226
00:16:42,295 --> 00:16:44,729
So cheap that the only ones
who wear them...
227
00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:48,405
...are beggars
and wives of shoe salesmen.
228
00:16:51,335 --> 00:16:54,611
You couldn't have gone outside
that night, or any other night...
229
00:16:54,815 --> 00:16:57,932
...because these shoes
are so cheaply constructed...
230
00:16:58,135 --> 00:17:01,730
...that they fall apart
on contact with water, like this:
231
00:17:20,895 --> 00:17:22,931
Well, baby...
232
00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:25,444
...what have you got to say?
233
00:17:26,015 --> 00:17:28,813
- I did it.
- Really? You're kidding.
234
00:17:30,135 --> 00:17:32,569
No. I hated him.
235
00:17:32,775 --> 00:17:34,686
And I hated all of you.
236
00:17:34,895 --> 00:17:37,693
He was going to give the diamond
to a museum.
237
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,170
I would have got that for you.
238
00:17:49,615 --> 00:17:51,492
You were incredible.
239
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,606
You broke me.
240
00:17:57,095 --> 00:17:58,687
Take her away, lieutenant.
241
00:18:01,375 --> 00:18:03,889
They'll probably put me away
for 20 years.
242
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:05,574
Will you wait for me?
243
00:18:05,775 --> 00:18:07,766
What for? You'll be old.
244
00:18:14,095 --> 00:18:15,847
Good work, Mr. Bundy.
245
00:18:16,055 --> 00:18:18,489
I'm the curator
for the Museum of Natural History.
246
00:18:18,695 --> 00:18:22,768
As a reward, I'd like to present you
with this cheque for $50,000.
247
00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:33,165
He look ed at me strangely.
248
00:18:33,375 --> 00:18:36,970
Maybe it was because he wasn't
expecting me to tak e the cheque.
249
00:18:37,175 --> 00:18:41,771
Or maybe it was because he wasn't
expecting me to soil my underwear.
250
00:18:44,135 --> 00:18:46,695
I guess I'll never know.
251
00:18:47,575 --> 00:18:49,691
Fifty thousand dollars.
252
00:19:00,495 --> 00:19:02,725
Fifty thousand dollars.
253
00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:06,052
Fifty thousand dollars.
It's real, it's real.
254
00:19:13,135 --> 00:19:14,329
What?
255
00:19:14,735 --> 00:19:18,091
Al, you're making happy noises
in your sleep.
256
00:19:18,935 --> 00:19:20,653
Thought there might
be something wrong.
257
00:19:22,775 --> 00:19:24,572
Wait a...
258
00:19:24,775 --> 00:19:26,208
Wait a second.
259
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,531
Where's the $50,000
that I brought home?
260
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,454
You know, for solving the case
of the Pharaoh's Eye?
261
00:19:32,575 --> 00:19:33,894
Say what?
262
00:19:35,615 --> 00:19:38,607
It couldn't have been a dream.
It couldn't have been a dream.
263
00:19:38,815 --> 00:19:40,851
Honey, maybe I'd better
get you an aspirin.
264
00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:45,651
We can lay here and solve the case
of the wife who isn't getting any.
265
00:19:47,215 --> 00:19:49,445
But it can't be a dream.
It just can't.
266
00:19:50,175 --> 00:19:51,733
Kids!
267
00:19:53,295 --> 00:19:54,728
Bud, quick.
268
00:19:55,095 --> 00:19:57,484
Was I a detective wanted for murder
or was it a dream?
269
00:19:58,455 --> 00:20:00,650
Just might have been a dream, Dad.
270
00:20:02,015 --> 00:20:05,405
Do you call yourself "Street Rapper
Grandmaster B" or was that a dream?
271
00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:07,174
Oh, come on, Daddy.
272
00:20:07,375 --> 00:20:11,527
- Even Bud's not pathetic enough to...
- Wait a sec, Grandmaster B?
273
00:20:12,095 --> 00:20:14,086
The chicks would be all over me.
274
00:20:14,295 --> 00:20:16,365
I could wear my hat backwards.
275
00:20:16,575 --> 00:20:19,328
Oh, man, I'm gonna
go write my first rap right now.
276
00:20:19,535 --> 00:20:23,323
How about calling it
"Yo, I'm Really a Boy"?
277
00:20:27,695 --> 00:20:29,367
Peg, tell them it wasn't a dream.
278
00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:33,371
Honey, I'm gonna go get you
those aspirin.
279
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,810
I think I'll make it a double.
280
00:20:42,815 --> 00:20:44,692
- Kids, that's enough. Hold it.
- I hate you.
281
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:46,453
Kids!
282
00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:49,690
One quick question, that's all.
283
00:20:49,895 --> 00:20:51,692
Is your mother...?
284
00:20:51,895 --> 00:20:54,011
Repulsed by you?
285
00:20:54,975 --> 00:20:57,125
Disappointed financially
and sexually by you?
286
00:20:57,335 --> 00:21:00,532
No. I don't care about that, you dolts.
287
00:21:00,735 --> 00:21:01,963
Is she pregnant?
288
00:21:04,655 --> 00:21:06,486
Marcie?
289
00:21:07,895 --> 00:21:09,931
You think he's crazy?
290
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:13,172
Well, he must be.
He didn't ask about you.
291
00:21:19,335 --> 00:21:21,849
Well, honey,
I just took the last of the aspirins.
292
00:21:22,055 --> 00:21:25,286
I figured you'd just get a headache
when you go to work.
293
00:21:28,215 --> 00:21:29,807
Now what's that for?
294
00:21:30,015 --> 00:21:32,848
Well, you dreamt you had $50,000...
295
00:21:33,055 --> 00:21:35,091
...and yet you still came home to me.
296
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:39,493
That says a lot.
Says that you really do love me.
297
00:21:41,655 --> 00:21:44,806
What would I dream that for?
298
00:21:45,015 --> 00:21:46,892
Because you do.
299
00:21:47,095 --> 00:21:49,290
- I do not.
- Do too.
300
00:21:49,495 --> 00:21:51,008
No, it's just that...
301
00:21:51,215 --> 00:21:54,525
...it's too late now
for me to get anybody else.
302
00:21:56,135 --> 00:21:59,889
Well, now, see, that wasn't so hard.
303
00:22:02,255 --> 00:22:06,612
Peggy "wuvs"
her detective pooh bear.
304
00:22:10,775 --> 00:22:15,007
Gee, honey,
you know what I wanna do now?
305
00:22:16,295 --> 00:22:18,604
The same thing I wanna do?
306
00:22:21,735 --> 00:22:23,532
Well, let's get to it.
307
00:22:23,735 --> 00:22:26,044
You get the paper plates,
I'll order the pizza.
308
00:22:26,255 --> 00:22:28,450
Oh, baby!1
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,909
We'll be right back
with our winning lottery numbers.
2
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,999
Don't forget, this week's
jackpot is up to $32 million.
3
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,599
Oh, $32 million.
4
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,233
Boy, that's a lot of money...
5
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:31,113
...even split three ways.
6
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,878
Aren't we forgetting someone?
7
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,071
Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
8
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,872
I mean four ways.
9
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,640
Of course we'll give some to Buck.
10
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,631
I know what I'm gonna do with mine.
11
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,229
I'm gonna share mine
with the poor and unfortunate.
12
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,954
Yup, the poor unfortunate babes...
13
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:55,199
...who haven't yet experienced
waking up with a Bud in their hands.
14
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,395
Well, at least you have.
15
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,998
Besides, I don't think
you deserve a full share.
16
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:08,478
I mean, after all, you were
left on our doorstep by trolls.
17
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,428
At least when I was born,
and the doctor spanked me...
18
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,358
...I cried instead of saying "Thanks.
19
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,198
I like it rough."
20
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,993
Mom, did I talk
to the doctor when I was born?
21
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,517
Of course not, honey.
22
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,109
You didn't learn to talk
until you were 10.
23
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,715
Now, kids, I want you
to be nice to each other.
24
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,912
I'm not always gonna
be around, you know...
25
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,674
...especially if these
numbers come up.
26
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,757
They're flashing the numbers,
they're flashing. Read them, read them!
27
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,188
Okay.
28
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:42,958
- We got a seven.
- Yeah.
29
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,513
- Sixteen.
- Yeah.
30
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:45,948
- Eighteen.
- Yeah.
31
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,479
- Twenty-two.
- Yeah.
32
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,716
- Twenty-eight. And 34.
- Yeah.
33
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,319
How many did we get?
34
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,919
None.
35
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,518
God, nothing for 12 weeks in a row.
36
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,756
Is that some kind
of a record, Mom?
37
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,596
Not for me.
38
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,676
My child.
39
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,116
My child.
40
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,351
My God.
41
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,755
Al, this is the third day in a row
you've come home happy.
42
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,032
Now, I just had a physical,
and I'm fine.
43
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,118
So, what are you so happy about?
44
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,591
What if I said that I've come
to grips with my job...
45
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,597
...and I've come to appreciate...
46
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,870
...what the three
of you mean to my life?
47
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,430
- We'd say you were lying.
- And you'd be right.
48
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,235
Al, spit it out. What is it?
49
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,199
All right. I guess it can't
do any harm to tell you.
50
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,109
A pretty girl has come
into the store every day...
51
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,072
...and flirted with me.
52
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,433
I think she likes me.
53
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,231
I'm not kidding.
She's a shoe groupie.
54
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,993
- Shoe groupie!
- Shoe groupie!
55
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,753
What's so funny about that?
56
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,351
Nothing, Dad. A lot of people think
rock stars get the best groupies...
57
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:19,429
...but now it's clear. Nothing gets them
antsy like a shoehorn in your "pantsy."
58
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,110
That's funny, Mom.
59
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,197
What's wrong, Mom?
60
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,068
Your father's cheating on me.
61
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,751
I am not.
62
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,313
I know you are.
63
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:36,274
You waited until I was a tad
over 30 and you cheated on me.
64
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,593
I have two things to tell you.
65
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,756
I would never cheat on you.
66
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,111
And if you think
you're just a tad over 30...
67
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,236
...then I was just a tad
drunk at our wedding.
68
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,198
Oh, all right, if it bothers you...
69
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,233
...I won't mention my groupie.
It's no big deal.
70
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,438
Yes!
71
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,872
Kids, I have to know the truth.
72
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,231
I also have to go to the bathroom,
so I'll make this quick.
73
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,113
I want you to break into the shoe
store tomorrow morning...
74
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,834
...and spy on everything
your father does.
75
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,630
Okay, we'll do it, Mom, but I'm
telling you, he is not cheating on you.
76
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,479
What's that sound?
77
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:26,712
Oh, my God.
78
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,638
It's the shower.
79
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,631
He's bathing.
80
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,231
She's lost him.
81
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,398
Isn't there a better place to hide?
82
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,433
I mean, he has to come here
every time he sells a shoe.
83
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,035
Sorry.
84
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,998
Well, this should be interesting.
85
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,953
I always wondered
what Dad does all day.
86
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,715
Open for business.
87
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,676
Quite an advertisement
for college, eh, Kel?
88
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,558
What do you mean?
89
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,195
God, he hasn't moved.
90
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,237
Three dollars
and twenty-five cents an hour.
91
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,555
How can they afford to pay him?
92
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,797
Oh, wait, I think he's moving.
93
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,955
All aboard!
94
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,876
- It's the groupie!
- It's the groupie!
95
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,838
Sir.
96
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,917
Take a number.
97
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,195
What is your number?
98
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,112
One.
99
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,031
- How may I serve you?
- I want my money back.
100
00:07:55,240 --> 00:08:00,917
These shoes you sold me are as
useless to me as a comb is to you.
101
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,711
I've only worn them once
and they split at the sides.
102
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,760
Let me explain.
See, it's just like an elevator.
103
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,032
There's a two-ton weight limit
on these shoes.
104
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:24,478
What say I nail the soles
directly to your feet?
105
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:29,038
lt'll give you more traction
when you're pulling the ice wagon.
106
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,190
You'll be hearing from my attorney.
107
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,398
Is that the law offices
of Hagen and Dazs?
108
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,116
Serving number two.
109
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,151
Number two?
110
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,157
Oh, God.
111
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,399
Well, Kel, I think
we can go home now.
112
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,512
The only person Dad's
cheating on Mom with is death.
113
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,754
Excuse me,
but that must be my dinner.
114
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,350
Easy now, Hoppity.
115
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,272
She's not Buck. She'll run away.
116
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,555
You're looking handsome today, Al.
117
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,958
I brought you some muffins.
118
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,351
As pretty as you are.
119
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:39,310
God, it is disgusting what a woman
in a short skirt can do to a man.
120
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,311
Could you show me something
in a four-inch heel?
121
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,274
I can.
122
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,472
Hey, now.
123
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:12,275
Now, how does that feel?
124
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,750
Like heaven.
125
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:19,390
I love to see a man on all fours.
126
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,719
You know, I've felt a lot
of hands on my feet...
127
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,514
...but yours are so strong...
128
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,438
...yet so yielding.
129
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,514
That's high school football.
When I was on the team...
130
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,314
...and the play called for
a strong but yielding hand...
131
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:37,951
I don't want to hear about football.
Tell me something exciting.
132
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,709
Tell me about selling shoes.
133
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,515
I remember a cold day, winter of '68.
134
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,314
I was just a young heel then.
135
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,553
Don't stop, baby.
136
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,912
You know, Bud...
137
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,839
...she just may be the shoe groupie.
138
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,594
You're gonna make some guy
a fine end table one day, Kelly.
139
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,599
I looked her right in the foot and said:
"I don't need no stinking shoe-sizer.
140
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,314
You're a size seven, baby."
141
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:21,472
- Oh, God.
- Yes, I know. I know.
142
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,190
Bud, we've got a real problem.
How do we tell Mom?
143
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,675
And do we tell Mom?
144
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,633
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
145
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,235
Well, what'd you find?
What'd you find?
146
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,958
Let's see. She deserves to know.
147
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,957
But then she'll be mad at Dad.
148
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,639
And she'll be hurt.
149
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,798
Do I betray Dad without
hearing his side of the story?
150
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,353
What a dilemma.
151
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,835
I wonder what Kelly's thinking.
152
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,196
Eenie-meenie chili beanie
The spirits are about to speak
153
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,678
Are they friendly spirits, Bullwinkle?
154
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,238
Well, kids, did you find anything?
155
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:28,559
Well, he sat there for hours.
He went to the bathroom.
156
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,433
He looked at his watch,
and he insulted a fat woman.
157
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,317
Oh, and don't forget the pretty
woman who was all over him.
158
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,830
Oh, yeah. And that.
But nothing happened.
159
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,315
Yeah, they didn't
have intercourse or anything.
160
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,672
Just tickled her feet and
ate her muffins and she left.
161
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,553
Oh, my God.
162
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,318
It's not just sex?
163
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,193
He's eating with her too?
164
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,237
Don't worry, Mom. It's nothing.
165
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,910
I mean, Bud's done more
with a girl. Bud.
166
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,833
What'd she look like, Kelly?
167
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,638
- Well, she's...
- Well, wait a second.
168
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,910
Put this groupie thing
aside for a second.
169
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,870
You know damn well
I've had more women...
170
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:26,273
Al, you can forget about
having sex with me ever again.
171
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,472
I already did.
172
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,232
What'd I do?
173
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,269
You were seen eating
the muffins of your mistress.
174
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,430
I think it's time for us
to get out of here.
175
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,676
No, seriously,
I've had plenty of babes.
176
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:49,634
Yeah, you just don't see them because
I like to keep my sex to myself.
177
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,599
And you're doing a good job.
178
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,030
No one's guessed
what your sex is yet.
179
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,310
Well, Al, you wanna
explain yourself?
180
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:03,076
Well, I left high school and lost
the will to live. And here I am.
181
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,357
What are we talking about?
182
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,677
You cheated on me
with that shoe groupie.
183
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,996
Oh, is that what this is all about?
184
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,838
I never touched her.
185
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,758
Look, she likes me.
186
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,396
I can't help that.
I can't hide what I've got.
187
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,998
It's not my fault if my butt
has the classic shoe-man shape.
188
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,879
Moulded from years
of getting down, getting up...
189
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,790
...getting down, until it's the firm
round apple you see before you.
190
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,557
You may as well blame
the bird for flying.
191
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,193
We've heard all about it.
192
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:43,393
If anyone wants to talk, you know
that I can be a calm and objective ear.
193
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,200
- Well, I'd like to say some...
- Out of my way, pig.
194
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,516
I know these must be
trying times for you.
195
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,712
Come tell me everything.
I can be a good shoulder to cry on.
196
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,753
- Oh, Marcie, I'm so upset.
- Into the mike, hon.
197
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,952
The girls at the beauty parlour
have a right to know.
198
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,877
I feel so betrayed.
199
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,230
Am I speaking loud enough?
200
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,358
Al, I just want you to know
that I'm not prejudging you.
201
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:08,437
- Well, thanks, buddy.
- So how was she?
202
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,959
I never touched her.
203
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,709
So she did all the work?
God, I love that.
204
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,633
And that's not all.
205
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,799
He ate muffins.
He never eats anything I make.
206
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,753
I tell you, if I'd ever actually
done anything for him...
207
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,554
...l'd be feeling the fool right now.
208
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:31,672
Hi, Betty. Hi, Mavis.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
209
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,716
Anyhow, I'm hurt. Hurt, I say.
210
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,275
Does anyone wanna
hear my side of this?
211
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:45,315
No need. You, sir,
are a cheat and a liar.
212
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,189
Now, I have the name
of a woman attorney...
213
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,755
...who will chew Al up
and spit him out.
214
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,349
That's who I would use
to bleach my husband's bones...
215
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,838
...if he even looked at another woman
while he was wearing my brand.
216
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,231
Isn't that right, cinnamon buns?
217
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,272
That would only be fair,
bonbon bottom.
218
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,319
I see now I have to kill her.
219
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,679
All right, that's enough.
Now, I have a little announcement.
220
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,110
Now, I can understand
why you all would think...
221
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,949
...that I was cheating on my wife.
After all, she did bear my children.
222
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,879
Bud and nobody sitting in a tree
223
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,551
K-l... Something, something,
Something, something, T
224
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,032
But I am a man of my word
and I say I did not cheat.
225
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,549
Now I expect apologies
from all of you.
226
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,751
Which one's gonna be first?
227
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,470
Very nice.
228
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,550
If Buck could talk
he'd take my side.
229
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,429
If I could talk, I would have
gotten the Carson job.
230
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:57,153
May the shoe business take you all.
I shall now take my leave.
231
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,831
And none of you have earned
the right to look at my heinie.
232
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,759
They all think I'm guilty.
I should've done it.
233
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,997
I got a good mind to go back
to the shoe store, eat some muffins...
234
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,875
...and before I fall asleep, give her
the best 30 seconds of her life.
235
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,272
Opportunity never comes
when you want it.
236
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,199
Take me, shoe man.
237
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,316
- How'd you get in here?
- A ladder.
238
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,796
It was hanging
outside your daughter's window.
239
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:45,910
- Are you wearing anything under there?
- Just a pair of high heels.
240
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:55,555
Now, look here, miss, I won't...
I won't stand that kind of behaviour.
241
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,798
This is a sex-free house, and by golly,
it will be for the rest of my life.
242
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,559
Talk shoe to me.
243
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,390
It was a warm day in August.
244
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,592
The shoeboxes were throbbing...
No, no, I can't.
245
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,556
I'm married to a woman named...
246
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,518
...something.
You're gonna have to leave.
247
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,228
There's nothing you can do
that'll make me leave.
248
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,678
I don't wanna get tough with you,
miss, but you leave me no choice.
249
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:32,309
Oh, take off the socks. The socks.
250
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:40,316
Al, do you have your
shoes off up there?
251
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,991
There are people breathing
down here, for God's sakes.
252
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,595
She doesn't deserve a man like you.
253
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,519
Try me on for size.
254
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,473
Peg! Peg!
255
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,033
Peg!
256
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,558
Peg!
257
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,639
What is it, Al?
258
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,879
Nothing.
259
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,439
Where's Marcie and Jefferson?
260
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:12,156
In my anger, I let it slip out that
you still cry at the end of Bambi.
261
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,033
They're out spreading the word.
262
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,314
I thought we had a trust.
263
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,598
Well, so did I, cheater.
264
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,990
Peg. We have to talk.
265
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,270
Well, I don't know
what we have to talk about.
266
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,596
I can understand those
other times you cheated.
267
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:34,075
That 10-cents-a-week raise you
pocketed for yourself back in '72.
268
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:39,232
Those M&M's that you had hidden
in the aspirin bottle.
269
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,273
Yup. I know about that.
270
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,311
But this is different, Al.
271
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,873
How could you do this to me...
272
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,277
...especially when you know
how sensitive I am?
273
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,110
Now, listen, Peg.
274
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,628
If I was gonna leave you,
it wouldn't be for a woman.
275
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,599
I don't want another woman.
276
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,074
We might have another TV, though.
277
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,151
You know what I'd really like, one
of those picture-in-a-picture jobs.
278
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,512
Sometimes they got a game on, at
the same time they got a hooter movie.
279
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,470
Flipping back and forth between
the channels makes me kind of...
280
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,358
...anxious.
281
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,433
Oh, well, maybe some other time.
282
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:32,272
Anyhow, I never have,
nor will I ever cheat on you.
283
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,877
- Really, Al?
- Really, Peg.
284
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,594
But I did have the opportunity.
285
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,468
Well, what stopped you?
286
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,592
I don't know.
287
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,153
Well, I do.
288
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,555
It's because we've been
married for 20 years.
289
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,716
We have 20 years
of the same memories.
290
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,718
Same disappointments.
The same life.
291
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,878
Anyone else would've left us by now.
292
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,157
But we can't, and we never will...
293
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:05,194
...because you know that we were
meant for each other.
294
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,272
Oh, my God, that is it.
295
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,279
I've never been so depressed.
296
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,709
Oh, Al, you do love me.
297
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,391
- Give me a kiss.
- I've warned you about touching me.
298
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,191
Come on, honey, let's go upstairs.
299
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,072
Oh, why not?
300
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,032
Already hit rock bottom.
301
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,194
What is it, Al?
302
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,038
Can't go upstairs.
303
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,311
Why not?
304
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,718
Because I'm so hot,
I want you here, right now.
305
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,269
Oh, Al.
306
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,399
- Let me just get comfortable.
- All right, Peg.
307
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,478
No, sweetheart, I wanna cuddle first.
308
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,595
Al, honey, tell me something...
309
00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,916
...were you ever tempted
by that woman?
310
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,554
You know, even a little bit?
311
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,593
No.
312
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:17,597
Because you know, at your age,
that was probably your last chance.
313
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,958
I know.1
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,912
Here we go.
2
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,196
- That was a great family day.
- Yeah.
3
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,710
- Thanks for taking us with you, Al.
- Why don't we do this more often?
4
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,195
Well, it's not every day
an uncle dies...
5
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,073
...and the coroner forgets
to lock his house.
6
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,355
It teaches you a lot
about human nature, though.
7
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,710
I wouldn't believe
that kind of greed existed...
8
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,717
...if I didn't see it with my own eyes.
9
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,639
Those vultures.
Like your cousin Sheila...
10
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,037
...trying to take both of these TVs.
11
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,318
Boy, the nerve of some people.
12
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,750
So, kids, how'd you do?
13
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,956
Now, wait a minute.
That wasn't in Uncle Joe's closet.
14
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,873
I know, but there were too many people
stealing in there...
15
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,469
...so I went upstairs
to his wife's room.
16
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:13,993
But she's still alive.
17
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,232
Well, she should have thought of that
before I took it.
18
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,188
Look what I got.
19
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,595
A gold tooth.
20
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,958
That's not really gold, honey.
It's just yellow.
21
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,272
In fact, we call it "Bundy yellow."
22
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,790
Show him, honey.
23
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,868
Damn. Great, now I have nothing.
24
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:44,790
Well, cheer up, son.
I hear Aunt Addie's real sick.
25
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,390
You mean, the one with the really
nice lamp? Oh, I'd love to have that.
26
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:52,275
- Maybe for my birthday?
- Consider it done.
27
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,958
- Hey, what'd you get, Daddy?
- The only thing I wanted, pumpkin.
28
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,754
That is, besides from
Uncle Joe's mistress.
29
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,916
I got Uncle Joe's watch.
30
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,031
Uncle Joe wanted me to have
this watch.
31
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:09,313
He told me so the last time
I saw him alive. I was 7.
32
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,437
I'll get it.
I wish Uncle Joe had died...
33
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:17,076
...before I spent 12.95
on this stupid watch.
34
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,230
Hello, Aunt Heather.
35
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,679
We... We missed you at the take.
I mean, at the wake.
36
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,229
We were so sorry
to hear of his passing.
37
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:39,190
Yes, your grief was evident as
you tried to bite the ring off his finger.
38
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,675
I was kissing his hand.
39
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,677
I loved the man, damn it.
40
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,713
Well, keep your memories then...
41
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,229
...and give me back
everything you jackals looted.
42
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,670
- It all belongs to me.
- Who says?
43
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,189
My lawyer. Fork over the watch.
44
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,796
He wanted me to have this watch.
He probably even said so in his will.
45
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:02,638
He didn't have a will, so it all
goes to me. Give me the watch.
46
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,832
What, you want this watch?
You think you can get it? Come get it.
47
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,949
Well, come on, lawyer boy.
You want a little piece of this?
48
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,517
Don't push it, Bundy. There's laws
in this town against stealing.
49
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,757
Not to mention overflowing
a dead man's toilet.
50
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:23,759
Thank you.
51
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,997
And you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.
52
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,191
All I have left of poor Joe.
53
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,392
Come on, babe,
the hock shops close at 6.
54
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,830
We'll send the police
for the rest of this stuff.
55
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,589
- We got a plane to catch to Bimini.
- Toodles.
56
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,597
God, your relatives are scum.
57
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,070
He really did want me
to have that watch.
58
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,874
What idiot would be so thoughtless
as to not leave a will?
59
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:57,516
- Do you have a will, Daddy?
- Well, no, but...
60
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,793
...I will have one after today. I don't
want this to happen to me if I die.
61
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,639
I shall gather all of my belongings.
62
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,070
I've worked for 25 years.
63
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,316
I've lived and I've loved.
64
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,556
Later on, I even married.
65
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,712
All that is mine
shall be divided among you.
66
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,478
I have nothing.
67
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,836
Now, come on, Dad.
68
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:30,079
I wouldn't call a 45
of "Under the Boardwalk"...
69
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:34,034
...and a baseball card of Joe Nuxhall
nothing.
70
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:39,752
Yeah, and a copy of
Sports Hijinks on beta.
71
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,271
Peg, how could this possibly be?
72
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,835
I've worked for 25 years.
I've amassed nothing.
73
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,276
Oh, honey, it's not your fault.
74
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:52,029
You could've been rich.
You just never had the break.
75
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,198
Or the brains or the skill...
76
00:05:55,400 --> 00:06:00,793
...or the initiative or even
the mindless charm some get by on.
77
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,230
Feel better, snookums?
78
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,436
Kids, give Daddy a kiss.
79
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,630
He's not dead yet.
80
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,272
Well, he's close enough for me.
81
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,158
I'm still going to write a will.
Now, get me a pencil and paper.
82
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,875
I wanna list all
my worldly possessions.
83
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,318
I said, all my worldly possessions.
84
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,993
Peg, don't you understand
this is important to me?
85
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,350
How would you remember me
if I died tomorrow?
86
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,268
- As a lover.
- A father.
87
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,516
A provider.
88
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,877
Come on, Daddy,
why aren't you joining in?
89
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,514
Well, because
you're making fun of me.
90
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,750
Come on, kids, let's leave
your daddy alone to write his will.
91
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,713
Gee, I hope I get his toilet seat.
92
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,510
Don't be greedy, Bud.
You're already getting his hairline.
93
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,317
See, now we're laughing at Bud.
94
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,992
Why am I making out a will?
Buck, I'm leaving everything to you.
95
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,549
Aruba, here I come.
96
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,076
Hi, Al. I heard your uncle died.
97
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,111
You wanna go out for a drink
or anything?
98
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,629
Yeah, later, after you've left.
99
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,273
Let me ask you something.
100
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,552
What would you have to leave
if you died tomorrow?
101
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,876
A good-looking corpse.
102
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,710
I'm sorry, Al, I didn't mean
to rub your face in it.
103
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,631
- What are you doing?
- I'm making out a will.
104
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,274
I have lots of material possessions.
105
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,756
Hey, Joe Nuxhall. We used
to make little boats out of these...
106
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,794
...and sail them into the sewer.
- Hey, now!
107
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:58,154
I, unlike you,
have provided for my future.
108
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,113
I was just thinking, you know,
something else to leave behind.
109
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,594
You know, something that...
110
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,109
Something that identifies Al Bundy,
the man.
111
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,392
- You've got plenty.
- I know that.
112
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,035
Could you give me an example?
113
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,557
Well, you got all those gold teeth.
114
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,113
And you were a football star
in high school, weren't you?
115
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,392
I mean, I wish my kids could grow up
saying I was a football star.
116
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,309
Well, they will,
because obviously I'll lie to them...
117
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,995
...but it would be nice to have
mementos like you.
118
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,111
- That's it!
- What?
119
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,551
My mistake was I was looking
at my life in the present.
120
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,797
I should have been looking
at my life pre-Peg.
121
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,752
My football mementos. That's what
says Al Bundy was really here.
122
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,679
- Yeah!
- I'll give Peg my old football jersey.
123
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,394
Good old number 33.
It'll be good for her...
124
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,592
...because that's how old she can
tell her next husband she is.
125
00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:01,512
And then I can give my old MVP trophy
to Kelly to go along with hers.
126
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,996
Although... Although,
for the life of me, I can't figure out...
127
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,510
...how she got a football trophy
having never played the game.
128
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,396
And then there's Bud.
129
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,871
Can you loan me a nickel?
130
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,833
I won't lend it to you,
but I'll trade you even for your Dodge.
131
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,475
Come on, Al.
Surely you've got something else...
132
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,148
...from your football days
to leave to your son.
133
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,628
I do.
134
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,592
I do.
135
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:37,112
My game ball from the greatest day
in anyone's lifetime.
136
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,039
The day that I scored
four touchdowns.
137
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,511
Yeah. My game ball.
138
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,878
That is what I shall leave
to my only son...
139
00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,152
...the carrier of the Bundy seed
and name.
140
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,395
And from the looks of things,
the last.
141
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,919
He shall get the most special thing
I ever had in my life.
142
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,958
It's perfect. Where is it?
143
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,670
I gave it to some cheerleader
I was Bundyfying at the time.
144
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,075
So I'll get it back from her.
145
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,078
We had something very special
between us, me and...
146
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,111
...whatever her name was.
147
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,153
Peg? Peg, let me ask you a question.
148
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,517
You remember the name of the
cute cheerleader I was crazy about...
149
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,915
...before I got drunk
and woke up married to you?
150
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,028
Why, yes, I do.
151
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,676
In fact, I remember this rhyme that
everyone used to say about her:
152
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,553
If you wanna get drunk
Get some brandy.
153
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:46,275
If you want a social disease
Just call Sandy.
154
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,710
Sandy... Sandy Jorgenson.
Thank you, Peg.
155
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,193
Why do you wanna know?
156
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,278
Oh, well... No, Peg,
Jefferson was wondering...
157
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:02,552
...who my second favourite girl
in high school was.
158
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,836
I wish I could remember
who my first favourite was.
159
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,671
So what if she's unlisted?
160
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,235
This is about a football, damn it!
161
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,518
A man would give me the number.
Hello?
162
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,356
You just spent 25 cents
on a phone call...
163
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,348
...to retrieve a football worth 10 cents
to leave to your son.
164
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,792
Although, I know a pigskin will
forever remind him of his dad.
165
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,712
There's just one thing I wanna know.
166
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,475
Oh, sure, Marcie,
the part with the cups go in front.
167
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,470
Present company excluded,
of course.
168
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,072
You better watch it, Al,
if you want us to keep coming over.
169
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,832
Look, Al.
170
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,876
I hate to interject sanity
into your quest for the holy fail...
171
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,275
...but if you seriously wanna
find this person...
172
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,311
...why don't you call
a detective agency?
173
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,193
There are some that specialize
in finding missing persons.
174
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,278
She's beautiful and resourceful.
175
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,278
Well, I went to one once to find
an old boyfriend.
176
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,596
Six feet, good-looking...
177
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:29,588
...and a perfect 10,
if you know what I mean.
178
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,391
Oh, God, I never had it so good.
179
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,832
The things he made me do.
The things he made me feel.
180
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:43,238
Everyone since then has just been
an empty shadow in comparison.
181
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,716
Well, not everyone.
182
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,878
My ex-husband, Steve,
was pretty good.
183
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,232
Marcie, you wouldn't happen to have
that detective's number handy?
184
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,677
- Don't be ridiculous, why would she...?
- Sure do. Right here.
185
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:05,078
Well, don't look at me like that.
It was just a coincidence that I had it.
186
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,875
I have no need of a lost love
when I have you.
187
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,640
I am great, aren't I?
188
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,158
Sure.
189
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:20,396
What do you mean, "sure"? Just last
night, you called me Captain Kaboom.
190
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,113
Would you have preferred
Private Noodle?
191
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,552
Hey. Hey, Al's gonna think
you're serious.
192
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,391
It's just a little code we have.
193
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,388
It means there's a party in her pants
and I'm the guest of honour.
194
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,879
Oh, yeah, hello. Yes.
195
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,959
I'm looking for a girl I gave a football
to that I scored four touchdowns with.
196
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,834
Yes, I'm Al Bundy.
197
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,838
Polk High, yes. Yes, I was number 33.
198
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,879
Yes, I do have a problem
with foot odour.
199
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:19,158
Peg, get off the extension.
I'm trying to make a call out here!
200
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,911
Come in.
201
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,838
Sandy?
202
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,957
Hiya, Al.
203
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,270
Sandy?
204
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,391
Do you like what you see?
205
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,553
Well, I don't know, I haven't been
able to take it all in yet.
206
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,997
You know something, Al...
207
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,078
...I think you look even better now
than you did in high school.
208
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,430
Incredible, isn't it?
209
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,753
So, Touchdown, what have you been
doing with yourself since high school?
210
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,678
I mean, the last time I saw you...
211
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,474
...you were taking a summer job
as a shoe-store man.
212
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,032
Yeah, you said you wanted to buy
some new carburettors for your car.
213
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,276
What ever happened
to that old Dodge of yours?
214
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:47,310
Let's not talk about the past, okay?
I'm a live-for-today kind of guy.
215
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:48,873
Oh, you mean...
216
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,355
...we can't talk about
your old football days?
217
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,075
Well, I mean,
if that makes you feel better.
218
00:15:55,840 --> 00:16:00,197
Watching you in motion back then
always made me feel better.
219
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,598
So, Touchdown, are you
just as good as you always were?
220
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,673
Well, I haven't gotten any complaints,
if you know what I mean.
221
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:14,514
- Show it to me, Al! Let me see it!
- Well, it isn't quite what it was.
222
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:19,316
- I'll be the judge of that. Let me see it!
- Well, I can't see any harm.
223
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,958
You still got it, Touchdown!
224
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,628
Yeah, well, where's it gonna go,
you know?
225
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,192
Al...
226
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,670
...I know why you're here.
227
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,311
Now, Sandy, before you go any further,
I'd like to say something:
228
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,795
You're hurting me.
229
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,551
No, I'm not kidding. You're hurting me.
Take your leg off or I'll sock you one.
230
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,557
Oh, Al.
231
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,758
Hey, did you ever regret
breaking up with me...
232
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,554
...right before
the homecoming dance?
233
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:15,192
- You know what I want, Al.
- Well, what, a huge McNugget?
234
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:22,278
- I want that dance you owe me.
- Oh, now, Sandy...
235
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,029
...you know I never danced unless
it was gonna get some sex for me.
236
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:36,314
Oh, that didn't open
an ugly door, did it?
237
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,957
Oh, come on, Al.
238
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:43,358
At least promise me a dance
if our song comes on.
239
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,436
You remember "Blue Velvet."
240
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,717
Well, okay, but only
if that song comes on.
241
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,709
That's a good one, God.
242
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,354
All right. There, that's...
243
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,435
Now, wasn't that nice, Al?
244
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:34,392
Let's... Let's sit back over here.
245
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,798
- Just like old times, huh, Al?
- Oh, man.
246
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,191
Oh, Al, no more dance-y?
247
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,188
No more spine-y.
248
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,237
Oh, my poor Touchdown.
Would him like a back rub?
249
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,908
Well, you know, Sandy,
what I'd really like...
250
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,434
You know, Sandy, this might be
a good time to ask you something.
251
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,551
What is it, Al?
252
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,429
What do you want?
253
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,995
My football.
254
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:57,916
Your football?
You mean, the game ball?
255
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,917
Gee, Al...
256
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:04,398
...giving me that ball was
what let me know I was special to you.
257
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:08,792
Yeah, I know, so could I have it back?
I wanna give it to somebody else.
258
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,793
Well, well. And here I thought...
259
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,833
...the guy who dumped me
20 years ago was crawling back.
260
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,789
I should have known.
All he wanted was his football.
261
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,754
Well, all right, Al.
262
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,679
I'll give it back to you...
263
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,392
...on one condition.
264
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,956
Oh, all right.
265
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,840
No, no, the moment has passed.
266
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,308
I was just...
267
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,829
I guess I was just
kind of remembering...
268
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,476
...how you and I used to play catch
with it at the park.
269
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,268
Could I at least throw you
one last pass...
270
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,516
...just to remember
the good times by?
271
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,035
Sure, if it'll help take the edge off,
you know...
272
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,835
...watching the big guy walk out
of your life for the second time.
273
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,508
Can you still lay it in there
anywhere you want to?
274
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,639
I sure can. Can you still catch it
anywhere I lay it?
275
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,438
I sure can.
276
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,955
All right then. Go long.
277
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,669
Yes, son, this ball means
everything to me.
278
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,118
Not that you and what's-her-name
and what's-her-name...
279
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,436
...haven't brought me great joy.
280
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,117
But I'm glad
we're talking here alone, son.
281
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,072
I don't want the others to be jealous.
282
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,552
Well, there's no need
to whisper, Dad.
283
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,558
They heard you were coming home
from the hospital today...
284
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,398
...so they went to a movie.
285
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,673
That's good. That's good, son...
286
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,599
...because we can have
this private moment together.
287
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,712
I went through hell to get this ball,
but it was worth it.
288
00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:02,199
Because now I'm going to leave you,
my only begotten son...
289
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,036
...my Joe Nuxhall baseball card.
290
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,315
Well, what about your football?
291
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,069
My football? Are you insane?
292
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,349
I'm going to leave this
to the only one I truly love:
293
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,039
Me.
294
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,838
No, Bud, I'm going to be buried
with all my football stuff.
295
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:24,874
So, what do we get?1
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,517
And in perhaps the most monumental
Supreme Court decision...
2
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,154
...in over 100 years...
3
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:26,478
And the missiles of this small Mideast
country remain pointed at the...
4
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,399
So until further information
is uncovered...
5
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,398
...scientists will continue
to sift through the giant hole...
6
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:36,309
...that was, until yesterday,
the Republic of France...
7
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,398
Snidely Whiplash, unhand that now.
8
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:45,756
Well, they must have had a fine round
of Pin the Tail on the Shoe Salesman...
9
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,916
...up in heaven today.
10
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,869
Middle-aged woman
comes into the shoe store.
11
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,355
She's wearing a blossom hat...
12
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,348
You know, the
"I'm just a cute young girl of 45" look.
13
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,115
- and she's looking
for something cool to wear...
14
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,676
...to a Crosby, Stills & Nash
reunion concert.
15
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:10,000
So I suggest a nice, recyclable
paper bag to put over her face.
16
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,836
You know, so she can
save the planet two ways.
17
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,675
So she maces me.
18
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,679
But as I lash out blindly...
19
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,077
...I think I clipped her a good one
in the teeth.
20
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,675
So from now on,
she'll be gumming the words...
21
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,836
...to "Teach Your Children."
22
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,193
How was your day, pumpkin?
23
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,353
Daddy, when did you get home?
24
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:34,868
How was your day?
25
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,708
Well, a... A middle-aged woman
came to the shoe store...
26
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,638
...wearing a blossom hat...
27
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,515
Snidely Whiplash, unhand that horse.
28
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,911
- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi, Peg.
29
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,270
I wasn't talking to you.
30
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,159
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
31
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,112
When's your Daddy getting home?
32
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,753
Oh, hi, honey. Guess what
we're gonna do this evening.
33
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,557
Get naked and try to figure out where
our interesting parts used to be?
34
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,397
Shoes got you down, bunky?
Well, this should cheer you up.
35
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,388
I've invited Marcie and Jefferson over
for a game of Ethical Dilemma.
36
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,751
Oh, a dream come true, by gum.
37
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,349
I actually get the opportunity
to play a board game...
38
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,552
...with two people I can't stand
and Jefferson?
39
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,353
Pardon me while I boogaloo.
40
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,758
Well, it's better than our usual
Friday-night fare...
41
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,837
...sitting around
watching you and Buck...
42
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,032
...play Don't Blame Me, It Was Him.
43
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,878
Now, I'm going over to Marcie's
to steal some potato chips...
44
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,150
...so we have something
to serve them.
45
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,953
Gee, Daddy,
I guess it's true what they say:
46
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,754
Life really does begin at 40.
47
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,996
Well, at least I'm not the only one
with no life around here.
48
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,390
Where is your brother, anyway?
49
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:00,874
He's out with a girl.
50
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,789
No, I said your brother. You know...
You know, Bud.
51
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,911
I know. He's out with an actual girl.
52
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,998
- No, I was asking about Bud.
- I know.
53
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,352
You could have knocked me over
with the weather, but I tell you...
54
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,028
...it was a real girl. Honest.
55
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,357
There was no blow-up tube
in the back or anything.
56
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,069
Son.
57
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,274
Look, he was out with a real girl.
58
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,275
I'm hurt, Dad.
59
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,632
Well, son, that's what happens when
you lay the Bundy on some babe.
60
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,557
The natural result of 30 seconds
of crazed abandon.
61
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,319
Come on, tell Dad all about it.
62
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,511
- I am totally done with women.
- What?
63
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,631
What, did you get married?
64
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,116
- No, Dad.
- Well, don't worry, son.
65
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,629
Remember, it gets better each time...
66
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,513
...as long as it's never
with the same woman.
67
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,439
Wipe your chin and listen to me, Dad.
68
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,156
As you know, I've been laying this
Grandmaster B thing on all the babes.
69
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,113
Well, finally one bought it
and she took me to this rap club.
70
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,551
Well, I got my hat turned around
and all, and I'm cool, I'm cool.
71
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,036
Until she said, " Hey,
that guy over there is looking at me.
72
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,151
Waste him for me, B."
73
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,079
So I go up to him
and I look him right in the eye.
74
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:29,988
So, what happened then, son?
75
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,918
Then he stood up.
76
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,990
Next thing I know,
I'm in the tunnel of light...
77
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,475
...with Grandma and Elvis
at the other end.
78
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,871
Grandma and Elvis? You die and go
to International House of Pancakes?
79
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,836
I wish. Instead she brought me home
to meet her dad.
80
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,600
She told him I was a tough
street rapper. He hates rap...
81
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,633
...so suddenly,
there was that tunnel of light again.
82
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,956
I'm telling you, Dad,
I am through with women.
83
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,075
Oh, no. Who's gonna fill them shoes?
84
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:09,078
Gee, Kel, it's 7:00. Shouldn't you
be cuffed to a radiator by now?
85
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,633
Oh, father,
I have angered the Grand Bastard.
86
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,589
That's Grandmaster.
87
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,599
Or at least it was Grandmaster.
88
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,518
From now on, I'm Bud.
89
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:32,190
Bud Bundy. Take me for what I am.
90
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:44,192
Yo, girlie. My bedroom's upstairs.
Word to your mother.
91
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,158
Oh, B, thank you
for not hurting my father.
92
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:53,031
Well, from the foetal position
I can kill in three different ways.
93
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,991
Word to your father.
94
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,112
You should have seen him,
Mr. Bundy.
95
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,677
All rolled up in a little ball
in the corner, ready to strike.
96
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,791
Anyway, I've got some great news.
97
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,032
What, Mike Tyson
was looking at you funny?
98
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,279
I booked us on a rafting trip.
99
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,631
Down a river the Indians used to call
Kiss Your White Ass Goodbye.
100
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:23,519
- lf you think I'm kissing my white ass...
- Oh, please, B. I'd be so grateful.
101
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,073
Let's do it.
102
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,590
Daddy, aren't you gonna
say anything to him?
103
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,392
Well, who am I to give advice?
104
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:39,036
Another hour, I'll be saying,
"Marcie, it's your spin."
105
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,914
Marcie, it's your spin.
106
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,157
I've landed on Childhood Trauma.
107
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,519
Come on, Marcie.
Share or go to Denial.
108
00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,791
Oh, all right.
109
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,958
I remember my puppy Winkums.
110
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,393
Winkums was tied
to the back of my bike.
111
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,993
Hey, Al, another Friday night
and I got a k eg of beer in the back.
112
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,555
Let's go beat the hell
out of somebody...
113
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,796
...pick up a couple
of private-school girls...
114
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,117
...and rock the pleats
right off their skirts.
115
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,870
Will it always be lik e this, Al?
116
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,516
You bet. The boys'll never die.
117
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,590
Al, it's your turn
to move your thimble.
118
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,876
"Get in touch with your feminine side."
119
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:50,275
Tough break, buddy.
120
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,270
Oh, I'll tell you, Al. It's Friday night...
121
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,631
...I got a cup of herb tea...
122
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,831
...we're with the girls we love...
123
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:06,229
...and we're playing a game that's sure
to become the next middle-aged craze.
124
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,351
Will it always be like this, Al?
125
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:11,433
No. No, one day it'll be just like this...
126
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,030
...only we'll be wearing
Depend's undergarments.
127
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,599
That's not your feminine side
speaking.
128
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,519
No, my feminine side
is on the couch watching Oprah...
129
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,918
...and occasionally pushing
aside a breast to scratch my knee.
130
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,352
Bitch.
131
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,755
Now it's my turn.
132
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,800
Oh, please don't let her land
on Sexual Intimacy.
133
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,719
Sexual Intimacy.
134
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:42,348
Okay.
135
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:47,315
"If your lover suddenly
was unable to perform anymore...
136
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,313
...and was a shoe salesman...
137
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:01,437
...and named Al..."
- Oh, come, give me this now.
138
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,633
It couldn't possibly say that.
Oh, my God, it does.
139
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,229
"...and an old lover
came back to town..."
140
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,396
I guess they mean Jim.
141
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,509
"...would you have a sleazy affair
with him?"
142
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,438
Yeah.
143
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:32,309
Well, I did it. I survived the river.
144
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,398
I never felt so alive.
The rush of the water...
145
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,672
...the feeling of flight
as you're launched out of the boat...
146
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,757
...and the good,
clean crack of a pelvis...
147
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,520
...as it meets one of nature's
finest pointy rocks.
148
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,715
And as I lay there clinging for
dear life, I couldn't help but notice...
149
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:54,471
...the beauty of nature as it sat
on my chest, pecking at my eyes.
150
00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:00,069
It thought it could carry me to
its young ones, but the joke was on it...
151
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,350
...because I was too heavy
and it dropped me...
152
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,314
...in part of the river the Indians
used to call Nutcracker Falls.
153
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,236
But at least you weren't with them.
154
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,511
Yeah, but you people are old.
155
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,352
I still have needs.
156
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,232
From now on, it's life without girls.
157
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,908
I'm through with them.
I mean it this time.
158
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:25,998
Hello.
159
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,838
Yeah.
160
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,118
Of course.
161
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,189
Well, that was Kara.
162
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,435
She asked me to jump out
of an airplane tomorrow and I said yes.
163
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,713
Good night.
164
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,998
Oh, good.
165
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,876
Daddy, why are you standing up
against the wall?
166
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,837
Well, it's a...
It's an adult thing, pumpkin.
167
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,793
You... You wouldn't understand.
You see, l...
168
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,560
I landed on
the Loneliness Of Adolescence.
169
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,878
So your mother yelled at me
and took my wallet, and I sassed her...
170
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,914
...and well, here I am
stuck in Shame on You Land.
171
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,035
Really cool, Dad.
172
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,558
Pumpkin...
173
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,912
...before you go out and spread this
all around, can I ask you something?
174
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,550
What's it like to have a life?
175
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:35,317
Well, people think being young and
beautiful is exciting and everything...
176
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,078
...but actually it's pretty boring.
177
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:38,793
I mean, take today for example.
178
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,752
There I am in the mall,
and this guy...
179
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,474
...some geezer rock star,
steps on my foot.
180
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,079
You know, that Springsteen guy?
181
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,595
The Boss?
182
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,153
Well, I don't think so, Daddy.
183
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,555
His wife seemed to be
the one in charge.
184
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,994
Well, anyhow,
it was downhill from there.
185
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,033
There I am, hitching a ride,
and who should pick me up?
186
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:58,992
The Swedish bikini team.
187
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:04,069
They wanted to drive me home, come in
for a beer, but I've heard you say...
188
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,238
...you didn't like people
drinking your beers.
189
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,198
Your time's up, Al.
190
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,632
I know.
191
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,314
So then Ernie Banks comes...
192
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,718
Pumpkin, could you
go wait for the mail?
193
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,151
Okey-dokey.
194
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,559
Oh, Daddy,
if it makes you feel any better...
195
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,469
...you're a lot younger than the guy the
bikini team ended up going home with.
196
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,432
Your spin, Al.
197
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,279
Al landed on Caring.
198
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,232
I mean... I mean, I'm trying to win...
199
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,149
...but I keep landing on
Date a Kennedy, Lose a Turn.
200
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,999
Tell us what you care about, honey.
201
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,433
"I Care" by Al Bundy.
202
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,119
When hooters jiggle around
203
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,910
And I find nick els on the ground,
I care
204
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:17,114
When a Mustang engine purrs
And the bathroom is not hers
205
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,038
I care
206
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:23,597
When the pitcher's on the mound
And the wife is underground
207
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,232
I care
208
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,317
But when I've been playing this for days
209
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:33,195
I will kill anyone who stays,
I swear.
210
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:45,389
And if you really want a scare
Check out his underwear
211
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,114
If you dare
212
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,278
Well, I'm going to jump
out of an airplane now...
213
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,391
...and plummet to my death.
214
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,397
Basically for nothing.
215
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,828
Just wanted to say goodbye.
216
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,958
Hey.
217
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,159
Hey, Al's not moving his thimble
down the Path to Intimacy.
218
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,075
Gee, that's a first.
219
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,471
I'm using my
Get-Out-of-Sexual-lntimacy card free.
220
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,314
You have to say it before you spin.
221
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,192
- Drop dead.
- Bite me.
222
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,675
I'm glad I caught you,
Thumb-sucker B.
223
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,839
Listen, it's time that we had
a little boy-girl talk.
224
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,871
Now, let's pretend that you're the boy.
225
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,877
Okay. Okay, I'm number 27.
226
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,719
Do I get in line
behind the sailors over there?
227
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,357
Look, I'm just trying
to help you, drippy.
228
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:42,753
Now let me tell you about women.
229
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,791
I already know about women, Kel.
230
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,515
Yes, but there's more to us than just
"Inflate until feet start to plump."
231
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,036
Now, as we both know,
you are doing this for sex.
232
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,832
But let me tell you something.
233
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,874
It doesn't matter what a guy does
or says or how he treats us.
234
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,516
The second we see a guy, we already
know whether or not he's gonna get sex.
235
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,235
Which, by the way, explains
why you've never gotten any.
236
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,673
If that was even close to true...
237
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,394
...do you think
I could still hold my head up?
238
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:20,309
Look, all I'm saying is that if she hasn't
let you touch her yet, she never will.
239
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,034
If you still feel the need
to do something dangerous...
240
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,276
...throw out your Clearasil.
241
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,796
Like I'm gonna take the advice
of someone...
242
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,231
...who's fooled by every single
disguise of the Trix rabbit.
243
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:42,197
Yeah, like you know who he is
until his ears flop out.
244
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:45,793
But I do know this.
245
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,958
You can jump out of a plane
and go hurtling to your death...
246
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,434
...but mark my words.
247
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,791
You will not even get
a cheap feel out of this.
248
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,197
You will die a flat virgin.
249
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,953
Kel, you're wrong. And besides...
250
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,436
...if jumping out of a plane with
almost no training was dangerous...
251
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,154
...don't you think my parents
would have stopped me?
252
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,875
Hey, everyone, Al got a Cuddle card.
253
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,477
I played high school football,
for God's sake.
254
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,715
So does anybody
have any questions...
255
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,309
...in case we get tangled up
in power lines?
256
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,193
Yes?
257
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,868
Is there any way to get out of them
and still live?
258
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,312
No, not with the piddly training
you guys have had.
259
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,752
That's how I like it.
260
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:50,033
You're so brave, Grandmaster B.
You're all I ever wanted in a man.
261
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:54,233
My last boyfriend was so boring.
All we did was make love.
262
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,510
What a loser.
263
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,117
Oh, I'm definitely not doing this.
264
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,551
No way, no how, never.
Not for anything.
265
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,916
Oh, Daddy.
266
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,355
Look at those hooters.
267
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,676
I'm doing it.
268
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,794
Well, we're just about ready to go.
269
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,195
Remember,
I'll be jumping out with you...
270
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,039
...and we'll be in radio contact
all the way down.
271
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,435
You know,
so I can give you instructions.
272
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:29,959
Just in case.
273
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,071
Any questions?
274
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,237
Yes.
275
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,158
Just in case of what?
276
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,670
Like if your parachute doesn't open.
If it gets tangled up in itself.
277
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,108
If there's a hole in it...
278
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,676
...or if we just forgot
to put one in the pack.
279
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,350
Well, let's go.
280
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,039
Wait. Wait a minute.
281
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,629
Now, aren't these guys gonna go first?
282
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,115
Oh, they backed out.
283
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,110
They're not with girls.
284
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,319
This is so exciting.
285
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,592
My whole body feels like it's on fire.
286
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:07,392
Well, before mine is, upon impact...
287
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,955
...how about just one last kiss?
288
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,833
Which means one first kiss.
289
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,269
Which means one last kiss for luck.
290
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,633
All right, one kiss for my hero.
291
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,876
All right, Bundy.
292
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,875
How you doing, Bud?
293
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,148
Bud, this is Kara. How are you?
294
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:46,592
Couldn't be calmer, babe. Could you
put the instructor back on, please?
295
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,358
Sure.
296
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,278
Bud?
297
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,920
That's right. Just enjoy the free fall.
298
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,156
I'm watching you all the way.
299
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,557
Oh, man, what fun.
300
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,469
Okay, I've had enough now.
Listen, this is Grandmaster 1 here.
301
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,989
Should I be concerned
I'm plummeting to my death...
302
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,599
...over Lake Michigan? Over.
303
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,313
Yes.
304
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,272
But stay calm. I'll talk you in.
305
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,598
Alls you have to do is...
Say, Kara, you're cute.
306
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,189
Thank you. You're cute too.
307
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,836
The second I saw you,
I knew we were going to have sex.
308
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,069
Instructor, Grandmaster 1 here.
309
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,875
Listen, I seem to be heading
towards the smokestack of a tugboat.
310
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,833
Could use some last-minute advice.
Over.
311
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,430
Tak e me, Biff. Tak e me now.
312
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,029
But I thought we were gonna jump.
313
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:45,835
Can you look at these
and still think of jumping?
314
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,236
Instructor? Kara?
315
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,193
Mommy!
316
00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:01,515
His eyes, his chest, his butt.
317
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,629
What else would you change
about him?
318
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,677
Well, certainly you wouldn't want him
to keep those teeth.
319
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:14,192
Please, Jefferson,
he's sitting right in front of us.
320
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,198
But I would like to change
that birthmark on his tush...
321
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,868
...shaped like Woody Allen.
322
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,358
Death can't be this busy.
323
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,640
The sparrow has landed.
324
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,432
Did you get any?
325
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,193
Yes, if you count mouth-to-mouth
from a drunken sea captain.
326
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,348
But I've learned a couple of things
from all this.
327
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,109
One, there's nothing
a pelican won't eat.
328
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:49,679
And two, I am finally, totally,
completely finished with women.
329
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,596
Wait, let us not forget number three.
330
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,756
That I was right. Say it.
331
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,520
- No.
- That's all I needed to hear.
332
00:21:58,840 --> 00:21:59,795
But I tell you this:
333
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,560
Next time a girl comes to me
and wants me to do something stupid...
334
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,035
- You'll do it?
- You betcha.
335
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,709
You know what? For a million dollars
I'd never jump out of an airplane.
336
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,514
Al, you landed on Kiss the Neighbour.
337
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:24,676
Don't you want
your last-minute instructions?1
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,269
Mom, we're starving.
2
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,676
Why tell me?
3
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,158
Do I look like Sally Struthers?
4
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,559
Besides, with the Super Bowl...
5
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,035
...your father has taken away
our food allowance...
6
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:38,676
...so he can buy his own snacks
for the game.
7
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,758
You think he'd mind
if we just took a little?
8
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,679
Are you feeling lucky, punks?
9
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,312
Buck is cute though.
10
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,633
Let's get together as a family, kill him,
and retake the fridge.
11
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,509
Mom, are we really doomed
again to watch Dad...
12
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,518
...sit in his Polk High uniform
with a football in one hand...
13
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,631
...and himself in the other?
14
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,313
Kids, please.
15
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,996
You think I like seeing him happy
one day a year?
16
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,278
Well, what can I do?
17
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,040
I am banned from the house
during the Super Bowl...
18
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,674
...and I can't even call
during the Bud Bowl.
19
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,913
Have you thought about taking
the time to learn the game...
20
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,519
...so you could watch together?
21
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,479
You mean so we could enjoy something
as a couple?
22
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,195
No. So you could ruin any enjoyment
he could possibly have...
23
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,719
...during the game.
24
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,071
So he would leave the house and
we could get our hands on his Cheetos.
25
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,032
And we could watch
whatever we want.
26
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,236
- Well, how about the Super Bowl?
- Sure.
27
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,550
Oh, that's a great idea.
28
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,910
Bud, teach me about football.
29
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,391
Okay, well, first we can
go over some calls.
30
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,234
Okay, this is holding.
31
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,875
This is a reception.
32
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:10,393
And this is two weeks
after dating Kelly.
33
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,633
Here's one you might recognize,
Mom:
34
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,400
Bud on a Saturday night.
35
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,999
- Why, you...
- Come on. Come and get it.
36
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,794
Kids! Kids, kids, kids.
37
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,837
Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley.
38
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,711
Kids, your daddy's home.
39
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,558
Hi, Dad.
40
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,432
- AI, guess what.
- Not now, Peg.
41
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,234
I have a big announcement.
I need your complete attention.
42
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,398
Today I got the latest issue
of Shoe News.
43
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,238
You know their motto:
44
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:07,398
"Before it's on your foot,
it's in your head."
45
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,558
And I have it on good authority...
46
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:13,992
...that they're coming out with a new,
all-sport athletic shoe.
47
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,710
Oh, Al.
48
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,116
Kids, let us join hands...
49
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,233
...and remember where we were
on this mighty day.
50
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,112
Tell us more, Al.
51
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,153
Will they come in pairs, honey?
52
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,557
There's more, my little aneurysm.
53
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,230
It's going to be called the Zeus.
54
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,989
And they're kicking off their new ad
campaign with a special commercial...
55
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,953
...that will be shown
during the Super Bowl.
56
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,436
And here's the part
that means something to us:
57
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,313
They're going to use ex-jocks
in this commercial.
58
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,036
You don't get it, do you?
59
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,708
Well, you should know that better
than anyone, sweetheart.
60
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,596
Don't you see? Ex-jocks.
61
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,519
Who's the most famous ex-athlete
in Chicago?
62
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,391
- Ernie Banks.
- I said, athlete.
63
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,953
You know that means football.
64
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,397
- Gayle Sayers?
- Can you be this thick?
65
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,033
Let me give you a hint.
66
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,033
The FTD florist?
67
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,994
No, you nitwit, me.
68
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,599
Polk High, all-city.
69
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,598
Most touchdowns in a single game.
If you don't listen to me...
70
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,439
...you've heard others talk about it
in malls...
71
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,632
...anywhere Americans gather
to talk sports.
72
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,912
I'm a shoo-in for that commercial.
73
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,439
Get it, shoo-in?
74
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,950
Well, Shoe News will appreciate it.
75
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,833
Anyway, I'm just gonna go audition
for that commercial...
76
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,713
...and in a few short weeks
you'll see your old Dad on TV...
77
00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,478
...during the Super Bowl.
78
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,238
Now what have you got to say?
79
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,837
Honey, did you pick up those
little blue disks for the toilet tank?
80
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,398
Yes.
81
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,548
- I'm putting it in.
- No me.
82
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,512
- I'm putting it in!
- Me!
83
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:20,475
Is not my news at least as exciting
as a blue disk for a toilet?
84
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,069
Well, honey,
I'm sure I'd be just as excited...
85
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:27,637
...if I was married to the blue disk
and it brought you home for the toilet.
86
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,549
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking...
87
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,354
...l'm not gonna get this commercial.
- Not at all.
88
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,269
I'm thinking you are a fool to even
think you're getting this commercial.
89
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,869
Honey, you played
high school football.
90
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,435
That doesn't mean anything
to anyone anymore...
91
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,677
...including me. And I'm your wife.
92
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,111
I took a vow to care and I don't.
93
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,148
You're just jealous because the ad said
"ex-jocks," not "ex-brunettes."
94
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,319
You're not getting it, Al.
They want someone famous.
95
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,431
I'm famous!
96
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,668
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
97
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,468
Who is the man who scored
four touchdowns in a single game...
98
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,752
...to clinch the city championship
in 1966?
99
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,151
- Shaft. John Shaft.
- No.
100
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,837
Who is the man who rushed
for 200 yards against Garfield High?
101
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,356
- Shaft. He's a bad...
- Shut your mouth.
102
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,395
Just talking about Shaft.
103
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,157
You people obviously
don't know anything about football.
104
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,679
What do you care about?
105
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:45,510
Peggy, have you seen these
fantastic blue disks for the toilet?
106
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,993
Why, this is the best thing
that could have happened to Al.
107
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,437
Next to the invention of a bowl
6 feet wide with tall rims...
108
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,029
...for the problem aimer.
109
00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:01,834
But now, unlike your career,
you have something to shoot for.
110
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,151
You people can't be serious.
111
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,994
I want you to admit
having played high school football...
112
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,714
...is probably the most important thing
a guy could do.
113
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:15,511
Yes, if a person died
right after high school.
114
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:16,914
But don't worry, Al...
115
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,998
...it's probably not too late
for you to do something important.
116
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:24,591
Why some day, you may even stop
a bullet meant for the president.
117
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,360
Oh, I'm sorry, Marcie.
I must be boring you.
118
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:36,156
Anyone who obviously spends as much
time in barber shops as you do...
119
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:41,078
...must have heard every sports story
a guy could hear.
120
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,388
You better cut that out, Al.
121
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:49,189
I think Marcie looks as cute as a button
with her hair cut this way.
122
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,311
Thank you, honey.
123
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,552
Al, just to close up this subject:
124
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,957
It's not that we are belittling
your place in sports history.
125
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,870
It's just that you are like a toilet
without a blue disk.
126
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:18,879
Fine for its time,
but now barely worth flushing.
127
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,749
Now give me a kiss
and make me some coffee.
128
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,479
I will not.
129
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:27,798
I'm going to audition for
this commercial, and get it, by God.
130
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,389
Then we'll see,
when I go down for this interview...
131
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:34,752
...who in Chicago
doesn't know the name Bundy.
132
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,349
- Who?
- Bundy.
133
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,518
B-U-N-D-Y. Al Bundy.
134
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,479
Made all-city back in '66.
Four touchdowns.
135
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:48,559
And I'm not talking the whole year.
One game.
136
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:53,832
Well, have a seat,
and allow me time to cool off.
137
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,834
Miss Lagroin,
who's on our list for today?
138
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:12,229
Well, there's Mr. Butkus, Mr. Carlton,
Mr. Tarkenton, Mr. Namath...
139
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,954
...and of course, Mr. Bindy.
140
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,278
He scored four touchdowns,
not in one year, but in one game.
141
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,596
- Guess where?
- High school.
142
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,990
Thought I'd die when I met him.
143
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,435
Well, send him in
before the real athletes come.
144
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:40,234
Okay, Mom, now who's the guy
who hikes the ball to the quarterback?
145
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,351
- The centre.
- Very good.
146
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,199
Now who's the guy
who rushes the passer?
147
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,709
- The defensive end.
- Excellent.
148
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,838
Now who's the little foreign guy
who can barely speak English...
149
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:55,955
...never gets hit and is taking yet
another job away from an American?
150
00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,799
- The place-kicker.
- Great job, Mom.
151
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,120
Now next, next we'll start on stats.
152
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,954
Oh, can I teach her
the stats, please?
153
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,753
- Sure.
- Okay.
154
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,837
Now, we have Alaska...
155
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:19,160
...Alabama, Brazil...
156
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,351
Oh, and the two Georgias,
North and South.
157
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,357
And yet, men still seem to like her.
158
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,073
Oh, there's your daddy's car.
159
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,555
Now, he's gonna come in here
and tell us he failed.
160
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,513
So let's practice
what we're gonna say to him.
161
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,039
The classics never die.
162
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,111
Laugh at this, hyenas: I got it.
163
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,834
I got the commercial.
164
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,628
I am the Zeus man.
165
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:26,315
So I think it's important to understand,
before we get started...
166
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,317
...that, yes,
the shoes are important...
167
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,308
...but let's not disappoint the public in
what they've come to expect from me.
168
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,432
So let's try not to get too arty
and lose sight of the man.
169
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,676
Oh, by the way,
be careful how you shoot me...
170
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,829
...because from certain angles it would
appear I'm losing a hair or two...
171
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,632
...you know what I mean?
172
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,270
Sure. Why tell me? I'm the caterer.
173
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,835
Put some food in my car
and go away.
174
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,634
Hi, I'm Jerry Copeland the director.
175
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,269
Try not to speak directly to me.
176
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:05,237
Now, you will be
portraying the common man.
177
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,517
Well, that will be
a bit of a stretch for me, Jerr.
178
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,631
I played high school football,
you know?
179
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,552
- You're speaking to me.
- Sorry.
180
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,833
Well, anyhow, I'm sure you would want
to meet your co-star in the first scene?
181
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,878
Not really,
but I guess he'd like to meet me.
182
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,994
Bindy, meet Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
183
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,755
Too Tall?
You gotta be kidding me.
184
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,952
Are you in the scene with me?
Peg! Peg! Look who's...
185
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,590
Need someone to run your lines
with you, baby?
186
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:50,193
Will someone please wheel
the elderly woman away.
187
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,071
Okay.
188
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,999
We're ready.
Well, you know what to do.
189
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,317
No I don't, Jerr.
No, see, I never got a script.
190
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,511
Well, just follow your instincts,
Bindy.
191
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,708
That must be what they tell Brando.
192
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,236
Not that I'm comparing myself
with Brando.
193
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,000
He's fat.
194
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:19,755
Oh, by the way, Too Tall,
my name is Al "Too Great" Bindy.
195
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,032
You... I'm sure you heard of me.
Made all-city back in '66.
196
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,273
And you're the guy that was
raiding the refrigerator in my trailer.
197
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,074
Twice.
198
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,792
What I'm trying to say is, don't feel bad
about having to pull back.
199
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,228
Just don't hurt yourself.
200
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,710
Thanks a lot
for making me feel welcome.
201
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,393
Ready.
202
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,636
- And, deck him!
- "Deck" who?
203
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,999
Yes, Mom, personal foul.
204
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,913
Whoa, Too Tall, babe. Great rehearsal.
205
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,395
Now, let's just shoot the next one.
Do you mind?
206
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,319
Not at all.
I think you could see me pull back.
207
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,553
Okay, dust off the shoes
and get the old guy back on his feet.
208
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,711
- Maybe we should do something.
- Yeah.
209
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,068
Hey, Too Tall,
can I get your autograph?
210
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,078
Hey, how did you get
the name "Too Tall"?
211
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,278
Does it really refer to your height?
212
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,155
No.
213
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,474
Okay, for this one,
all you have to do is bat.
214
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,433
Well, that's no problem.
I play a little softball.
215
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,039
Only three-time MVP...
216
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,912
...the 20-store-and-under mall league
ever had.
217
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,838
One time we were playing
Binky's Pets...
218
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:46,431
Great. Now, say hi to your co-star,
Steve Carlton.
219
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,429
Put her right here, baby.
220
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,839
It's awful nice to meet you,
Mr. Carlton.
221
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,594
You probably haven't thrown
a baseball in a long time...
222
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,950
...whereas I'm an active player,
so, you know...
223
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,835
...don't worry about looking bad
because the camera will be on me.
224
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,514
I'm sure your heart is as big
as the ball you use.
225
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,479
Okay. Places, everyone.
226
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,069
Okay, Steve. Now, it's no big deal.
227
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,590
- Just bean him.
- No problem.
228
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,679
"Bean" who?
229
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,437
Yes, Mom, "intentional grounding."
230
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,915
Hey, there's an eyebrow on it.
231
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,351
Daddy, look, I got the ball.
232
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,794
No, Daddy,
they're still looking for your ear...
233
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,117
...but I'm gonna have him sign it
right underneath your eyebrow.
234
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,675
How would you like it to read?
235
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,428
Okay, great.
236
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:10,355
Mr. Carlton, could you please sign this
to "the late Al Bundy"?
237
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,118
Oh, yeah.
238
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,756
Okay, time to take his bandage off.
239
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,429
Al, honey, I've been thinking about this
and I think we better go home.
240
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,039
I'm worried you might get hurt.
241
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,952
Don't worry about me, Peg. I'm fine.
242
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,469
Hey, will somebody answer
that phone?
243
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,914
I'll get it myself. Hello?
244
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,032
Another damn wrong number.
245
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,912
Besides, Peg, this should be fun.
246
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,396
It's always been an amateur's dream
to see how far he can go with a pro.
247
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,989
I used to do a little boxing.
And what I wanna do...
248
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,555
...is get in one good shot
and get a bit of respect.
249
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:54,875
What I'm gonna do, Peg...
250
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,834
...l'm not gonna wait for the director
to say "action." I'm gonna cheat.
251
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,314
And when the guy gets in the ring,
I'm gonna pop him with one.
252
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:15,919
A good right hand, right away.
253
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,635
And I don't care, pro or no pro,
that's gotta hurt, Peg.
254
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,673
- Hey, you're...
- Action!
255
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:32,796
Wow, he didn't even have time
to spit out a whimpering "no ms."
256
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,478
Sugar Ray, very nice.
257
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,312
That was fun.
258
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,476
You know,
it's every professional's dream...
259
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,319
...to see how bad he can hurt
a non-pro.
260
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,911
Help me.
261
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:51,430
Well, it looks like he's been hurt.
We better make sure he's okay.
262
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,590
Hey, did you hurt your hand
on my dad's jaw?
263
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,518
Hey, I'm curious about your name.
264
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,109
How did you get the name Leonard?
265
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,916
Sugar Ray, I blinked
and I missed the whole thing.
266
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:14,078
- Could you hit him again?
- Sure, yeah.
267
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,632
Al, get up.
268
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,717
What thinking man would call
a down-and-out pattern...
269
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,117
...7 yards downfield
when you need 8 for a first down?
270
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,038
Idiots.
271
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,159
- What's happening, Peg?
- Shut up, Al, I'm watching the game.
272
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,633
So, what were those athletes
really like?
273
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,070
Oh, well,
they couldn't have been nicer.
274
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,829
At the party after the shoot we talked
and we danced and...
275
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,268
It would have been great...
276
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,233
...except that Al kept calling
from the hospital.
277
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,276
Why I let him put me down as who
to notify in case of emergency...
278
00:19:58,480 --> 00:19:59,993
...l'll never know.
279
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,515
It's like they know
when you're having a good time.
280
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:07,395
It's half-time. All right, Al's commercial
should be on any second.
281
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,791
At last, America will finally see me
in all my athletic glory.
282
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,348
Zeus.
283
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,915
The all-sport shoe
for the week end warrior.
284
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,315
You may not play lik e a pro.
285
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,672
You may not hit lik e a pro.
286
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,878
You may not fight lik e a pro.
287
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,479
But with Zeus, you won't have to.
288
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,471
Zeus, the shoes that will outlive you.
289
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,748
Hey, what happened to my face?
290
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,992
You inherited it from your father.
291
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,272
They can't do that to me.
I'm the Zeus man, damn it!
292
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:11,471
Oh, well,
I guess it really doesn't matter.
293
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,796
As long as my family saw me.
They were there.
294
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,560
They saw me with those pros,
and I took their best shots.
295
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,115
Who wants to be the first to
put a pen in my mouth...
296
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,912
...and get an autograph?
297
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,435
Good news, folks,
our toilet disks finally come in green.
298
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,599
It's lik e having a pine tree
in your toilet.
299
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,674
Well, at least I'll get to watch the game
in peace.
300
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,508
And now uninterrupted
by commercials...
301
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,759
...we proudly present.
Steel Magnolias.
302
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,036
Oh, no, not Steel Magnolias.
303
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,710
Buck. Buck, change the Super Bowl
back on. I can't move.
304
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,831
You accidentally
changed the channel.
305
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,148
Accident, my ass.
306
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,158
I love this movie.
307
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:14,559
Julia Roberts, so ill, so brave.1
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,433
Yo, Roxanne, Grandmaster B here.
2
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:31,396
That's with a big G, a big B
and a real big... Well...
3
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,355
You'll just have to come over
and see for yourself.
4
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,788
Wait... Wait, don't hang up.
5
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,831
Come on, it's my 18th birthday.
6
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,508
Maybe we could go out
and get a soda.
7
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,994
No, huh?
8
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:47,591
Well, then, I guess a non-binding
sexual thing will be out of the question?
9
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,558
Hello?
10
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:53,839
Eighteen years.
11
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,271
Eighteen years of loneliness.
12
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,439
Total, desolate,
stark raving loneliness.
13
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,199
Well, happy birthday anyhow.
14
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,154
- Thank you.
- Oh, cheer up, Butt-wagger B.
15
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,630
I got you a very special present.
16
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,917
Not this time, One-Size-Fits-All.
17
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,359
I'm not falling for that again.
18
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,437
Every year you say
you got me a present...
19
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,473
...I get all excited and it turns out
to be something stupid...
20
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,035
...like Clearasil in a drum...
21
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,994
...the book, If You're Lonely And You
Know lt, Let's Mak e Hand Shadows...
22
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,994
...and my favourite,
the poster of the Village People...
23
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,112
...with my picture over the face
of the cowboy.
24
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,637
Well, forget it. I'm 18 now
and I will not be fooled again.
25
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,150
Oh, come on now.
I got you a good one this time.
26
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:46,315
- Really?
- Yes.
27
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:47,475
Give me, give me.
28
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,035
Oh man, oh man.
29
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,475
Oh, wow, a tape recorder, for me?
30
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,114
Oh, get serious, that's mine.
31
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,629
I made a message
for your answering machine.
32
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:03,119
Hello, this is Bud Bundy,
also known as Grandmaster Virgin.
33
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,517
You must have dialled
the wrong number...
34
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,109
...because no one ever calls me
on purpose.
35
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,992
If you leave your name and number...
36
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,557
...l'll call you back as soon as I finish
putting the negligee on my dog.
37
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,548
Please hold.
38
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,159
Please.
39
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:23,668
I know it's a little long...
40
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,792
...but then again we don't need
much room for messages, do we?
41
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,035
Gee, smart, funny...
42
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,834
...and she'll give you back change
for your dollar.
43
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,749
Kel, if you really wanna get me
a present this year...
44
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,393
...just forget it's my birthday.
45
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,556
That's all I want,
for everybody to forget.
46
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,075
Oh, there he is.
47
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,955
My little, little birthday man.
48
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,958
Come on,
give Mommy a birthday hug.
49
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:50,628
Look at you.
50
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,753
Sixteen and already a heartbreaker.
51
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,677
You're confused, Mom.
He's 18.
52
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,758
It's his pimples that are 16.
53
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,549
- That's it. I'm get...
- Come on, I got some for you.
54
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,752
Now, kids, remember the rules.
55
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,279
No fighting.
56
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,313
Makes all the dust rise up.
57
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,559
Anyway, Bud,
this calls for a big celebration.
58
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:19,036
- So, what...?
- I don't want another birthday party.
59
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,356
All I want is this girl, Roxanne.
60
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,518
Then that's what you're gonna get.
61
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,677
Is Roxanne Barbie's new friend?
62
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,836
No. Roxanne's a real girl.
63
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:39,754
What happened to that nice
976-girl he had a crush on?
64
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,239
She won't take his calls anymore.
65
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,633
My poor baby.
66
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,677
Well, maybe this will
take the edge off.
67
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,348
We are throwing you a nice party.
68
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:55,236
And guess what,
we're renting you a pony.
69
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:03,390
Bud, you better go out right now
and get yourself a half-gallon hat.
70
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,076
But don't go just yet, there's more.
71
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:12,070
Do you remember your favourite
TV show, Sticky the Clown?
72
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,111
Mom, I haven't watched Sticky
since I was 12 years old.
73
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,551
Well, a lot's happened
to Sticky since then.
74
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,792
He's out on work release...
75
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:27,199
...and they... And they say that
he realizes that what he did was bad.
76
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:47,637
Well, I chalked up some more
frequent loser miles today.
77
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,278
The Department of Juvenile Corrections
bussed some delinquents...
78
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,038
...over to the shoe store today...
79
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,710
...to show them why it's so important
to stay in school.
80
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,874
The guards made them watch me work
for over three hours...
81
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,834
...until even the most hardened punk
was crying like a baby.
82
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,637
It's a new programme
called "Scared Rich."
83
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,836
If only they'd had a "scared single"
when I was a punk.
84
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,598
Anyway, I'm home.
85
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,916
Who's gonna be the last straw?
86
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,799
- Al...
- What a shock.
87
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,959
Honey, it's Bud's 18th birthday.
88
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,469
Don't you think it's time
you had a talk with him?
89
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,399
You know, without the bathroom door
in between you.
90
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,471
Well, what am I supposed
to talk about?
91
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,269
The accumulated wisdom
of your lifetime.
92
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,314
You know, like just how deep
does your finger go into your ear.
93
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,478
Oh, and what do you do
when your bellybutton...
94
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,992
...nose and rear end all itch
at the same time.
95
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,193
Don't make him learn it
in the streets, honey.
96
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,476
Come on, Kel.
97
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,154
Eighteen years old, eh?
98
00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,318
Son, there's so much
that I wanna say to you...
99
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,398
...but there's a show coming on
I wanna watch.
100
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,755
Soon you'll be getting to that age where
you're thinking about settling down...
101
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,633
...and raising a family.
That is if you're a woman.
102
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,276
If you're a guy, you might consider
doing something for yourself instead.
103
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,233
Remember, a man is a man
all of his life...
104
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:21,035
...and a woman is only sexy
till she becomes your wife.
105
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:29,872
I guess what I'm trying to say is
happy birthday, son. Go away.
106
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,798
There he is. The birthday boy.
107
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,959
You mean birthday man, Marcie.
108
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,829
Congratulations, Bud.
109
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,077
Oh, boy, I remember when I was 18.
110
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:50,229
Girls all over the place,
my phone wouldn't stop ringing.
111
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,598
Boy, it must drive you crazy.
112
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,795
Bud, you are so lucky to be 18
at this time in history.
113
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:04,596
Back when I turned 18, all there was
was free love, free sex...
114
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,677
...free Huey.
115
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,198
But you're much luckier
than we were...
116
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,996
...because now, with all the numerous
and disfiguring diseases out there...
117
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,236
...young men and women really have
a chance to get to know one another.
118
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,715
To actually be friends...
119
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,310
...and not merely fornicating at will...
120
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,311
...like dogs...
121
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,199
...in unusual places...
122
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,080
...with people you barely know.
123
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:40,429
And in ways that even today's bawdiest
strumpet could hardly imagine.
124
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,957
Oh, foxy lady...
125
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,954
...coming to get you.
126
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,789
Yep, 18.
127
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,549
Driving my own car,
pad down by the beach...
128
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,877
...cheques coming in from my father.
129
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,275
I tell you, it's the age to be.
130
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,392
So I hear you're getting a pony
and a clown.
131
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:17,998
You know, it's not just any clown.
132
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,997
Sticky the clown.
133
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,196
Oh, he's out?
134
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,113
Bud, it's for you. It's a girl.
135
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,072
Really?
136
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,158
She wants to take you to a movie.
137
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,192
Well, how about that, folks.
138
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,710
Looks like you can keep your clowns
and your parties...
139
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,559
...and your lame memories of the '60s
or the '20s...
140
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,479
...or whenever the hell
you thought you were cool.
141
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:58,109
You want a memory,
watch the grandmaster operate.
142
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,875
Hey, babe, how they hanging?
143
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,594
Oh, hi, Grandma.
144
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,270
No, I haven't seen
The Care Bears Big Picnic yet.
145
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,956
Saturday will be fine.
146
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,435
Yes, I got the socks you knitted.
147
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,108
Yes, I'm wearing them.
148
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,348
Yes, I am too old to do that.
149
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,991
Okay.
150
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,915
Yes, I love my mama.
151
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,595
So, what time's Sticky getting here?
152
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,238
- The party's on.
- Okay.
153
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,998
Hey, what kind of cake?
154
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,229
If anybody wants me,
I'll be upstairs dead by my own hand.
155
00:10:55,440 --> 00:11:00,434
Son, I was saving this
until you were really low.
156
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,348
What?
157
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,233
Coppola's daughter
wants to have tea?
158
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,189
Do you wanna spend your birthday
atop a dying horse...
159
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,995
...while a clown squirts you with seltzer
and your Mom takes pictures?
160
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,077
- No, Dad.
- Then shut up and get over here.
161
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,111
You're gonna do
what every male Bundy does...
162
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,992
...when he reaches the age of 18.
163
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,749
- Aren't we doing that right now, Dad...?
- Oh, shut up, son.
164
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:28,115
No. Tonight I'm...
165
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,398
I'm taking you to the nudie bar.
166
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,116
Oh, Dad.
167
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:45,348
My father took me just as his father,
Jebediah Bundy, took him.
168
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,434
Seems that throughout history
all male Bundys...
169
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,553
...and looking at hooters that
don't belong to them go hand in hand.
170
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,949
I knew you loved me.
171
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,919
Yes, the nudie bar.
172
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,279
Where the music stinks
And they water the drinks
173
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:03,708
The nudie bar
174
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,718
Where the girlies dance
In their underpants
175
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,319
The nudie bar
176
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,752
Where you'll see their butt
And their traps stay shut
177
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,918
At the nudie bar
178
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,229
Here come the women, son.
179
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,638
Now remember, this is our secret.
180
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,877
- Do not give them a clue.
- Okay.
181
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,910
Well, son, it's your birthday.
182
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,475
You sit anywhere you want.
183
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,316
Alrighty.
184
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,154
Except there, son. It's...
185
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,237
It's demeaning for the dancers...
186
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:21,433
...and besides, that's where the nickels
people throw usually land.
187
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,676
Here we go, son.
188
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,076
Reserved for A. and B. Bundy.
189
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,677
- Oh, Dad.
- I know, I know.
190
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,553
All right, son. Sit here.
191
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,193
Are you ready?
192
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,072
I think so, Dad.
193
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,395
Then go to it.
194
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,197
Take it off.
195
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,158
Did you hear my boy say, "Take it off"?
196
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,799
Was it really that good, Dad?
197
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,798
If this old heart could talk.
198
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,590
And now, son,
something really special.
199
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:13,794
I'm giving you 6 bucks.
200
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:19,359
Oh, Dad, your whole paycheque.
201
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,152
That's right, son.
202
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,191
No, no, son, it's not for you.
203
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,833
No, it's for the girls.
204
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,112
You're gonna be tempted to spend
all your money on the first girl...
205
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,753
...but don't do it.
206
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,270
Six bucks is too much money
to spend on any woman.
207
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,673
Don't worry about me, Dad.
208
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,553
It takes more than a little leg
to shake me up.
209
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,838
Oh, that Sticky.
210
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:23,357
I never dreamed I could find
someone like him for only $5.
211
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,597
He's still got it, hasn't he?
212
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,596
We're here.
213
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,958
No, Buck, it's not Bud.
214
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:44,996
Well, well, aren't you a big,
sexy, whatever you are.
215
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:49,549
I'll just go upstairs,
splash on some Old Spice...
216
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,433
...and we be getting it on.
217
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,076
Kelly, is this a friend of Bud's?
218
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,477
No, actually,
you can't find one of those.
219
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:06,908
But this is Roxanne...
220
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,475
...the girl that Bud loves,
but who can't stand him.
221
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,752
I thought I'd do something nice for him,
so I convinced her to come.
222
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,110
He's really dying?
223
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,351
You've seen him.
224
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,276
I'm gonna miss him.
225
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,268
You must have confused me
with a clown who gives a damn.
226
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,119
I got the cake.
227
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,430
No, Buck, that's Jefferson, not Bud.
228
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,154
Lik e I give a cat's ass.
229
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,796
If you want me, I'll be out in the yard
getting me some spotted stuff.
230
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,033
Jefferson, it took you three hours
to get the cake?
231
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:58,678
Well, we were talking about our youth
and all, and I got kind of nostalgic...
232
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,314
...so I bought a '65 Mustang.
233
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,153
You bought a '65 Mustang?
234
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,999
Well, when are you gonna get a job
to drive it to?
235
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,479
Hey, I look in the papers...
236
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,514
...it's just by the time I get up,
all the good jobs are taken.
237
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,191
You are gonna take
that car back today.
238
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,628
Right now, this instant.
239
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,956
And I don't wanna hear another...
240
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,188
Oh, all right.
241
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,752
You can keep it.
242
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:39,476
- But no more cars this year.
- Okay.
243
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,437
- I'm Sticky.
- Me too...
244
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,711
...but at least I've got a car.
245
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,478
Kelly, I've got to go.
246
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:58,515
I'm not spending my Saturday night
sitting here next to your father.
247
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,195
Are you kidding?
248
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,233
My father is not a clown,
he's a shoe...
249
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,069
Yeah, you're right, that's my Dad.
250
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,076
Kelly, don't lie to the girl.
251
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,673
My husband is dead, Roxanne.
252
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,194
Hey, so when we gonna fire up
this wingding?
253
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,072
Well, we'll start the party
as soon as Al and Bud get home.
254
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,471
Tricks of the trade, son.
255
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,591
When I die, this'll be yours.
256
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,472
Maybe.
257
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,318
Dad, I'm broke and I'm bored.
258
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,238
Well, I'll handle it, son. Watch this.
259
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,272
See, I told you
you don't need money to have fun.
260
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,751
You're the greatest, Dad.
261
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,316
Hey, young man, I sense a tone.
262
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,511
What's wrong now?
263
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,631
This place sucks when you're broke.
264
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,115
What place doesn't suck
when you're broke?
265
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,392
To tell you the truth, it does get
kind of boring in here sometimes.
266
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,591
So then why do you come?
267
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,309
For this.
268
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,760
Excuse me, sir.
You bumped into me...
269
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,270
...and I think you owe me an apology.
- Drop dead.
270
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,392
Fine!
271
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,235
Go ahead, rookie,
take your best shot.
272
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,036
Hey.
273
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,598
- You all right, son?
- I'm all right, Dad. Look out, Dad!
274
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:15,434
I hope it was as good
for whatever that was as it was for me.
275
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:16,999
Hey, what do I care.
276
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,117
I got mine.
277
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,230
Eighteen years old
and your first bar fight...
278
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,829
...like every other male Bundy
before you.
279
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:41,237
I'm proud of you son.
How do you feel?
280
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,036
I feel great, Dad.
281
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,958
But where do we tell Mom we went?
282
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,673
Well, son, you're a man now.
283
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,634
You stare her straight in the eye, and
you tell her we were stuck in traffic.
284
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,909
But we know where we were.
285
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:00,951
The nudie bar.
286
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,791
Where you can't touch a breast,
But you can cave in a chest
287
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,230
At the nudie bar
288
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,074
Where you can look at a thigh
And black en an eye
289
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,077
At the nudie bar
290
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:17,149
Where the beer gives you gas,
But the Bundys kick ass
291
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,116
At the nudie bar1
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,352
Good evening.
2
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,955
Is something bothering Daddy?
3
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,232
He's just preparing to do his taxes.
4
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,799
Yikes and gadzooks.
5
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,315
And here we go.
6
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,189
Look what the IRS is doing to Daddy.
7
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,152
First it is poor Willie Nelson...
8
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,158
...who brings us...
Brings us so much joy...
9
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,999
...and amasses a fortune.
They take it away.
10
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,112
Next they set their sights
on Redd Foxx.
11
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,432
They drive him to Royal Family...
12
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,552
...and you know he wasn't
gonna live long after that.
13
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,031
Well, it always comes in threes.
14
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,754
And which American idol
do they turn to next?
15
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,837
Al Bundy.
16
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,880
Well, I'll never star on Royal Family.
17
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,595
Wouldn't mind doing an episode or two
of Growing Pains or something...
18
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,156
...but I don't wanna be on ABC.
19
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,708
Now, take it easy, Dad.
20
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,717
Look at the size of this bill.
21
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,957
They're trying to take away everything
I've earned over 20 years.
22
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,037
- Oh, no, Al.
- Yes.
23
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,468
Forty-four dollars.
24
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,757
You try to get just
a little bit ahead and then...
25
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,549
Daddy, is there something
that we can do to help?
26
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,311
Well, get part-time jobs
and help Dad out.
27
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,638
No, seriously, Al.
28
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,273
What can we do?
29
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,913
Hey, I have an idea.
30
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,430
Why don't you just give the government
the bird and not pay the taxes.
31
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,717
Kelly, you can't cheat
the government.
32
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,593
Pretty soon they'll tack on
interest and penalty payments...
33
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,395
...and before you know it,
in a few years this will be 50, 60 bucks.
34
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,597
Then you got the monkey
on your back for the rest of your life.
35
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,950
Forty-four dollars.
36
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:33,953
They could take the house.
37
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,954
Great. Then we'd still owe $30.
38
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,112
Why, it's Steve.
39
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,039
- Steve Rhoades.
- Don't shout.
40
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,231
Just shut the door.
41
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,348
Open the door. I'm on the run,
you nitwits.
42
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,276
- But he said to shut it.
- What do we do now?
43
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,913
Don't know.
44
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,032
I don't know,
it's like he wants two things.
45
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,959
Well, I was gonna ask what's new...
46
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,596
...but obviously you've all gone
to college since I left town.
47
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,236
I left town years ago.
48
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,512
- Left Marcie, became a forest ranger.
- He went to Yosemite.
49
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,517
- Oh, that's right.
- That's where he went.
50
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:49,395
- Sit down.
- Yeah, forest ranging.
51
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,192
That was the life.
52
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,756
Just me and the wind,
roaming free where no man goes.
53
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:59,150
Wow, it must have been
a pretty strong wind.
54
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,513
- So...
- Steve.
55
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,115
Steve, what are you doing here?
56
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,318
I brought this.
57
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,634
Back, jackals, you can't eat this.
58
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,831
This is a genuine double-breasted...
59
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,395
...speckle-ruffed,
weenie canyon hawk.
60
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,513
This hawk is as rare to this country
as soap is to you people.
61
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,272
They were going to take it to a lab.
62
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,038
Well, someone had to stop them.
63
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:38,314
Someone with courage, with
conviction and real American guts.
64
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,751
So I bribed a Boy Scout
to climb up and get it for me.
65
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,758
It cost me a quarter, but I wasn't
the one who broke my leg...
66
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,030
...falling out of the tree.
67
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,559
So here I stand,
the proud ecowarrior.
68
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,320
And I must say, I feel the hero.
69
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,669
Gee, Steve, you're leading
a darned interesting life.
70
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,799
It's too bad Alfalfa's dead...
71
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,675
...because he would have made
a good you in the movie of your life.
72
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:13,638
Well, to be honest, there is
another reason I came back.
73
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:17,674
Well, I never considered
that $50 a loan, Steve.
74
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,553
Not that, you imbecile.
75
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,638
I came to re-claim my wife.
76
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,630
Steve, I think there's something
that you should...
77
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,913
Peg, the man has travelled
many a mile.
78
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,759
Let's not keep him from the bosom
of his woman...
79
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,269
...wherever it may be.
80
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,348
Thanks. But, you know, it's funny, my
key doesn't seem to work in the door.
81
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,989
Oh, here. Try one of ours.
82
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,837
Let's see, the Murphys,
the Mullens, the Levins.
83
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,473
- Here.
- Oh, good.
84
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,154
Now, don't tell Marcie.
85
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:58,998
I wanna surprise her.
86
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,113
Okay.
87
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,909
You might want to cover
the children's ears.
88
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,795
There may be some noises
youngsters shouldn't hear.
89
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,558
We're counting on it.
90
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,196
Marcie...
91
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,070
...Daddy's home.
92
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,993
I guess I'll wake her like I used to.
93
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,957
You're letting your hair
grow long again.
94
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,995
Feels just like silk.
95
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,112
Thanks. I conditioned it tonight.
96
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:02,471
That's good. You know,
with your texture...
97
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:07,113
- What are you doing?
- Intruder!
98
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,038
- Marcie!
- Steve!
99
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,390
You getting all this, Bud?
100
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,399
Wow, look at them running around.
101
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,751
Hey, how come I can't see anything?
102
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,116
I got him, you guys. Over here.
103
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,595
- How dare you?
- It's an outrage!
104
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,950
This is an outrage!
105
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,273
Hey, where'd
that little guy come from?
106
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,951
It's Marcie.
107
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,197
No! No!
108
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:49,349
Oh, God, Al, look at the mayhem
and carnage you caused.
109
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:54,156
You know, every now
and then I really love you.
110
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,675
He's your husband?
111
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,873
Were you hurt so bad when
I divorced you that you'd marry this?
112
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,832
Whoa, the desperation.
113
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,714
This is the mighty Steve?
114
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,593
The one you used
to throw in my face?
115
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:25,237
The one who wasn't much to look at,
but at least he's got a job?
116
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,871
You know, you gigolos make me sick.
117
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,036
You think because
a man divorces his wife...
118
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,356
...you can move right in
and marry her?
119
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,630
Well, I'm back.
120
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,879
So you can just pack up
your hair and profile...
121
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,357
...and find another heartbroken...
122
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,632
...discarded middle-aged
woman to marry...
123
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,039
...and leave us decent folk
to our happy home.
124
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,517
Pardon me, Yogi.
125
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:59,869
You're not wanted here.
Marcie's got a real man now.
126
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:01,435
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
127
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,235
Well, according
to my watch, it's 10:22.
128
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:10,560
When I was married to her,
we were never sleeping at 10:22.
129
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,439
She's just resting.
130
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,553
She's been on
the Tilt-A-Whirl since 6 p.m.
131
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,358
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.
132
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:28,951
- Ever taken her in the kitchen?
- On and off the table.
133
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,675
- Front yard, baby?
- Firehouse.
134
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,108
- Dairy Queen.
- U-Lube lt.
135
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,278
- In a homeless person's shopping cart.
- Really?
136
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,153
- How do you keep it from rolling? l...
- You see the wheels...
137
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,510
Excuse me!
138
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,114
Gentlemen, but I have
something I'd like to say here.
139
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,312
Ta-ta, little nose.
140
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,114
- I knew she'd come crawling back.
- Crawling?
141
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,679
To you?
142
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,509
"Ha-ha," I say.
I wouldn't crawl to you...
143
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:04,714
...if I had a date with Mel Gibson, and
you had the last diaphragm on Earth.
144
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,317
Me neither.
145
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,189
Despite what you think,
you are not God's gift to women.
146
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,910
Oh, yeah? Tell that to
the burly Earth First! babes...
147
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:24,430
...who come out every spring
looking for baby moose and loving.
148
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,158
They may not shave like you and I...
149
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:30,432
...but they can fill out a flannel shirt,
I can tell you that.
150
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,951
Then why are you back?
151
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,151
I'll tell you why you're back.
152
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,920
You're back for this.
153
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:48,117
I'm blind! My eyes! My eyes!
154
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,236
That's right.
155
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,079
Read them and weep.
156
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:04,153
They answer to another man's
whistle now.
157
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,351
That's me, right?
158
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,753
Just shut up and look pretty.
159
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,149
And you, you can tell
your story walking.
160
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,355
- I know you don't mean that.
- Oh, don't I?
161
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,755
- Jefferson.
- Yeah.
162
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,355
Take me right now.
163
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,918
Honey...
164
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:36,875
...Mr. Bashful might be a little,
you know, under the weather...
165
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:38,918
...what with the ex here and all.
166
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,714
Do it and do it now!
167
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,794
- He's looking at me.
- Oh, God, you are such a baby!
168
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,834
All right. Just lie there.
169
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,637
Okay.
170
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,549
I get the message.
171
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,590
But before I walk
out the door for the last time...
172
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,872
...what's good for the goose
is good for the gander.
173
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,231
Take this to your grave.
174
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,196
Now I'm blind too!
175
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,030
And none of you
could tell me she was married?
176
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,075
We don't like to use the M-word
in front of the children.
177
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,279
Open up, it's the FBI.
178
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,273
That could just be for me...
179
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,199
...since stealing this egg
is a federal offence.
180
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,029
Oh, and if you get any ideas,
so is harbouring me.
181
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,595
If you need me,
I'll be in the basement.
182
00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:00,795
Hello, Agent Mahoney, FBI.
183
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,558
Have you seen this man?
184
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,635
Have you seen this egg?
185
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,476
They're known to be in the area.
Have you seen either of them?
186
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,950
Let me tell you something.
187
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,874
I served my country.
188
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,799
I played high school football.
189
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,790
Four touchdowns in one game.
190
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,276
Yet I'm not exempt
from state and federal taxes.
191
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,233
Now, is this any way America
should treat its heroes?
192
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:33,479
So you just flash that badge
at some registered voter, buddy.
193
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:35,908
We're Bundys.
194
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,997
We hate cops.
195
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,474
I feel good.
196
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,716
Let's watch TV.
197
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,832
And now this news brief.
198
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,077
Former local man, Steven Rhoades,
is being sought by authorities...
199
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,397
...for his theft of the egg
of a nearly extinct species of hawk.
200
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,398
He's believed to be
insane and dangerous.
201
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,750
If you see him,
call the police immediately.
202
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,916
- Go chase yourself.
- Hey, we...
203
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,394
We're Bundys.
204
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,999
We don't call cops.
205
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,317
- People call them on us.
- That's right, baby.
206
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,877
There's a $10, 000 reward
for information leading to his arrest.
207
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,275
Now, wait a second now. Hold it now.
208
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,040
Hold it now. Get off me here. Careful.
209
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,630
Wait a second. Wait a second now!
210
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,914
Family...
211
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,509
...have we forgotten our principles?
212
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,518
Is $10,000 more important
to us than a friend?
213
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,916
- Damn right.
- Get out of here.
214
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,917
Get back, away from the phone.
215
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,112
Al. This is $10,000.
216
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,830
Now, I know in the shoe business
$10,000 is like Bigfoot.
217
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,113
People claim to have seen it, but
no one's actually laid their hands on it.
218
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,311
Do you know what
we could do with this money?
219
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,439
Doesn't matter.
220
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,278
Family, gather around me.
221
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,472
Gather around.
222
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,236
Now, do you know why
we shouldn't turn Steve in?
223
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,238
Because we already have so much?
224
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,274
No.
225
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,553
We should not turn Steve in because
the authorities want us to turn Steve in.
226
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,958
Now I say we should all form
a united Bundy front against authority.
227
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,152
Can I get a "Whoa, united Bundy front
against authority"?
228
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,831
Whoa, united Bundy front
against authority.
229
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:38,079
The only thing that's important here...
230
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,478
...is the fact that we care about Steve.
231
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,069
We should always... What?
232
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,995
Hello, police. This is an emergency.
233
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,470
Hey, you canaries.
234
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,275
- So I see you can't be trusted.
- Oh, Al, it's $10,000.
235
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,308
I don't care. Nobody here
calls the cops while I'm still alive.
236
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,032
What's this?
237
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:14,633
Oh, I thought you might be thirsty,
so I fixed you some nice Tang.
238
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,869
Tang don't smoke.
239
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:25,272
Well, Daddy, it's the new
and improved smoking Tang...
240
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,870
...chocked-full of vitamins
and ministers.
241
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,995
Bottoms up, Dad.
242
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,275
Hi, I just came to talk to Steve.
243
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,794
Really?
244
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,230
Well, then why
isn't Jefferson with you?
245
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,477
I thought he wouldn't leave
your side with Steve hanging around.
246
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,676
Jefferson is a mature human being...
247
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,110
...fully secure in his masculinity.
248
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,839
Steve, I wanna talk to you.
249
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,079
Marcie...
250
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:21,149
...I see you dumped the pretty
wrapping for the total package.
251
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,511
Steve, I've got something to say.
252
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,632
Last night things were said
in the heat of the moment...
253
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,876
...and I may have hurt your feelings.
254
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,470
- I've already forgotten that.
- No, let me remind you.
255
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,598
Look at this and see
what you'll never have again!
256
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:52,350
Peg, I'm blind. I saw it again
and it's all darkness.
257
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,270
Well, here, honey, drink this.
258
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,038
That's right.
259
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,028
What you see is what you don't get.
260
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:08,075
So drool on, dream on, move on.
261
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,599
Marcie.
262
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,678
Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.
263
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,077
Oh, I knew you loved me.
264
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,149
Now tell me who looks the fool.
265
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,191
Come on, honey.
266
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:30,548
Why are you wet?
267
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,991
Oh, it's not what you think,
it's just dog pee.
268
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,596
You know, I have lived here
my whole life...
269
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,917
...and I never knew
that our bush could talk.
270
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,629
Well, Kel, I'm sure our bushes
felt the same way about you.
271
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,518
Well, now I know it's truly over.
272
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:59,190
The Marcie I married would never
have beaten around with that bush.
273
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,879
But whenever I start
to feel this way...
274
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,595
...l'm reminded of an old Ute saying.
275
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,676
That means when
you see the tepee rocking...
276
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,836
...don't come a-knocking.
277
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,075
But I'll tell you this:
278
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,796
When you look at the big picture...
279
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,833
...the only thing that really counts
is friendship.
280
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,314
FBI, nobody move.
281
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,591
Traitors. Judases.
282
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:39,113
You turned me in.
Well, I put a Ute curse on you all.
283
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,432
Now there's no chance
of getting that reward.
284
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,756
Mom, I think I can help.
285
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,076
Hey, wait a minute.
286
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,118
Hey, you FBI guys.
287
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,870
We hid him out. Don't we deserve
something for that?
288
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,190
Yes, according to the law, you do.
289
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,953
Cuff them, boys.
290
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,957
Go easy on the big guy.
291
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,789
He played high school football
for our country.
292
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,830
Well, see, Daddy, now thanks to me,
we're gonna get our reward.
293
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,878
Sweetheart, my reward
was the day you were born.
294
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,872
Just give me...!
295
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,399
Hey, wait a minute.
296
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,636
We didn't turn him in.
297
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,831
Who could have done this?
298
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,080
And so ends another
episode of Buck Bundy...
299
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,272
...environmentally correct briard.
300
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,674
If you should witness a crime
against Mother Nature...
301
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,872
...don't be afraid to call your dog.
302
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,389
It's not just a good idea...
303
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,795
...it's the law.1
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,392
- Is nothing I do good enough for you?
- I am not talking to you.
2
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,909
I don't wanna discuss this anymore.
3
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,954
Al, it's our 20th anniversary,
and you give me a postcard.
4
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,637
Well, I read that the gift
for the 20th anniversary is china.
5
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,075
That's a picture of China.
6
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,668
What do you want from me?
7
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,713
Hey, I could have got you
a Chicago Bears mug with a fill-up...
8
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,912
...but I said,
"No. My wife's anniversary...
9
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,839
...here's the nickel,
give me the postcard."
10
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:54,035
- Happy anniversary, babe.
- AI, you never get me anything good.
11
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:58,279
For our 15th anniversary
you got me some motor oil.
12
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,597
Hey, that motor oil's still in your car.
13
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,199
Well, this year
I want something special.
14
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:10,198
- Oh, all right, how much?
- What I want won't cost you a thing.
15
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,039
I wanna be made love to.
16
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,876
And you think that's
not gonna cost me anything?
17
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:24,438
And I am not just talking about sex, Al.
I wanna be made love to.
18
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,834
What in sam hill does that mean?
19
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:34,672
I wanna be held, I wanna be caressed,
I wanna be romanced.
20
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,598
Peg, wait a second. I've been
secretly hiding a hundred bucks.
21
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,635
What say I just give it to you
and we call it even.
22
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,759
No. I want some romance
in my life, Al.
23
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:56,159
And I'm not talking about the old
30-second crash-and-burn.
24
00:02:56,360 --> 00:03:00,478
Or the old
20-second bump-and-snore.
25
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,910
And I really don't want
that old New Year's Eve:
26
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,918
"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two...
27
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,997
Sorry, better luck next year."
28
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,951
Peg. Peg, please reconsider. Please,
if you have any feelings for me...
29
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,833
...don't make me make love to you,
babe, please.
30
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,554
Peg, do you hate me that much?
31
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,755
Come on, Bud.
32
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,715
They are just about to announce
the winner...
33
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,798
...for My Dinner
With Anthrax contest.
34
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,037
Where's the remote?
Where is the remote?
35
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,877
Okay, I got a plan.
Dad once told me about the old days.
36
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,789
People would actually walk over
to the TV and turn it on.
37
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,837
Go on.
38
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,395
I'm not kidding. Just might work.
39
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,437
Now's the moment
you've been waiting for.
40
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,029
It's time to pick the winner
of The Video Channel's...
41
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,959
...My Dinner With Anthrax contest.
Yes.
42
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,515
And as you can see,
the guys are pretty excited.
43
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,473
We pay for a party in your house,
including dinner for you...
44
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:30,196
...and 50 of your closest friends,
and Anthrax will rock your house off.
45
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,630
Yeah, is that right, guys?
46
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:40,395
I am dying. Wouldn't it be so cool
if Anthrax came to our house?
47
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,195
Sure, it'd be great for them,
because they'd get to meet me.
48
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,512
Grand Master B and Anthrax.
49
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,393
They think they're
getting some now...
50
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,269
Gee, Thigh Master...
51
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:02,352
...shouldn't you be undressing yourself
with your eyes about now?
52
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:03,993
Hush, hush, sweet harlot...
53
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,156
...they're gonna announce
the winner now.
54
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:11,434
And the lucky winner is
Bud "Grinch Master B" Bundy.
55
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,554
I won. I won! Me!
56
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,513
Anthrax is coming here!
Anthrax is coming here!
57
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,995
I'm having a party.
58
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,430
Gee, Bud, 50 of your closest friends.
59
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:32,030
I guess that would be Grandma
and a bunch of stuffed animals, huh?
60
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,518
Yeah, and my favourite
future welfare mother.
61
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,198
Speaking of which,
we've gotta get rid of Mom and Dad.
62
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,233
Oh, yeah, them.
Yeah, they'd be great with Anthrax.
63
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:48,479
Mom getting out her accordion and
playing songs of her stinking youth.
64
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,998
And Dad saying, " Do any of you guys
wanna see my bathroom?
65
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,794
The flush will suck your arm
right down."
66
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,311
Well, maybe they'll listen to reason.
67
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,549
- Hey, Dad...
- Go away.
68
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,990
- Dad, this isn't about money.
- Go away anyhow.
69
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,352
Dad, we wanna throw a party
on the 30th. Can we, please?
70
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:12,993
Absolutely not.
71
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,034
I have something very important to do
that night. Requires total silence.
72
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:22,155
I can't get too technical, but it involves
your mother, our anniversary...
73
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,318
...and me making love to her
till I shrivel up and die.
74
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,389
Now, you're too young
to hear any more. Excuse me.
75
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,558
I'm going to go outside
and walk blindly in traffic.
76
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:40,717
Are you feeling better, Al?
77
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,595
Okay, now that you're
more composed...
78
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,758
...could you tell me what you
were doing sitting behind my car...
79
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,713
...with the exhaust pipe
in your mouth?
80
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,551
My wife wants me
to make love to her.
81
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:03,594
Well, then shouldn't she be the one
with her mouth on the exhaust pipe?
82
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:12,155
You don't understand. She wants me
to hold her and to kiss her...
83
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:16,558
...and tell her how happy she's made
me feel. Look at me, I'm shivering.
84
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,878
- Parts of me have fainted.
- You can do it, Al.
85
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,311
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have
made love to over 20,000 women.
86
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,717
Yeah, and not one of them
was his wife.
87
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,198
All right, come on, you can do it, Al.
First you...
88
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,915
You put on some music,
and then you turn the lights down low.
89
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,348
- Low?
- Yeah.
90
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,073
- Low?
- Yeah.
91
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,510
Then I can still see her.
92
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,439
Al, Al, come on. Hey.
93
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,110
Then they like you
to slowly undress them.
94
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:54,518
Then you lower her gently onto
the bed, and eight hours later it's over.
95
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,188
- Eight... Eight hours?
- Yeah.
96
00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,517
Eight hours, oh, God, the humanity.
97
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,350
Hold me, Jefferson.
98
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,590
- You can do it, big guy.
- No, I can't. You don't understand.
99
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,712
It's my wife, it's just not right.
100
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:19,750
It's your own fault
for being so damn desirable, Al.
101
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,838
Yes, you're right.
Of course I see that now.
102
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,873
When my look says yes,
how can I say no?
103
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,438
Well, I must prepare myself.
104
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,397
What are you gonna do,
some wind sprints?
105
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,592
No, no, I'm going to the magazine
stand, get a copy of Big 'Uns...
106
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:45,999
...and a great big bottle of Dramamine
for the she-sickness.
107
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,950
- Hey, Dad.
- Go away.
108
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,108
So, Bud, what about my idea
of getting rid of Mom and Dad?
109
00:08:56,320 --> 00:09:00,108
Kel, I think dropping a safe on them
would kill them.
110
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,271
It never killed Daffy or Elmer.
111
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,708
Or that dog that's always
after the Road Runner.
112
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,237
Well, Kel, I guess as long as
old men in hats drive cars...
113
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,635
...and pass out lollipops,
you'll be fine.
114
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,395
Now, let me think.
Let's see, it's their anniversary.
115
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,273
Wish we had enough money
to send them on a vacation.
116
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,677
Well, why don't we send them
on one of these free vacations.
117
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,030
You moron,
these aren't free vacations.
118
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,470
These are time-sharing deals,
they're total scams.
119
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,353
They get you down there,
they try to make you buy land...
120
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:40,473
...they don't leave you alone
for two solid days. It's torture. It's hell.
121
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,432
It's perfect.
122
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,034
Gee, I can't believe we're in Florida.
123
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,435
Why, if it wasn't for
the thousand-degree heat...
124
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:09,316
...the flying palmetto bugs
and the smell of your frying feet...
125
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,988
...l'd think we were in heaven.
126
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,634
It was nice of the kids
to send us, though.
127
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:19,470
- It's kind of romantic, huh?
- You ain't seen nothing yet.
128
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,430
Well, I guess that's it.
Happy anniversary, baby.
129
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,030
- Bellboy!
- No, no, no, Al.
130
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,674
I want the whole enchilada.
131
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,111
You know, the whole four yards.
132
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,558
That's nine yards, Peg.
133
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,437
Do you really want me
to get out the ruler, Al?
134
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,639
Now, let's get to it.
135
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,434
Oh, all right, go lay down,
I have to prepare myself.
136
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,396
Let's jam.
137
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,952
Don't mind me,
I'm just setting up here.
138
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:10,077
Hi, Stan Mendelson,
call me Captain Scooter.
139
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,716
I just wanna extend an official welcome
to Hurricane Hole...
140
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,993
...soon to be sunny Florida's
finest resort community.
141
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,112
Let me get that lizard there for you.
142
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:30,117
- So. You busy?
- Not really.
143
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:35,235
Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude,
but this is kind of our vacation.
144
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,032
How pathetic is that?
145
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,152
But you got your job to do
and I got mine, right?
146
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,079
So this is an artist's conception...
147
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,556
...of what Hurricane Hole will look like
when it's finished...
148
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,035
...sometime in the year 3000.
149
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:53,074
Well, let's talk luxury,
let's talk condos.
150
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,555
Hey, I see you got a copy
of Big 'Uns there.
151
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,558
I had a letter in the last issue.
152
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:04,073
But, you know, if you really
wanna see some "big 'uns"...
153
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,748
...take a look at this house.
154
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,030
Damn kids.
155
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,676
I think they tricked us.
We're here in this sweltering hell...
156
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,917
...and they're having the wildest time
of their lives back home.
157
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:21,433
How about that, Chicago? Ten feet
of snow and the city's at a standstill.
158
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:26,915
I bet the only place that's hot
is the party at Bud Bundy's house...
159
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,795
...where Anthrax
is rocking the roof off.
160
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,958
They must be having one great time.
161
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,871
Well, that's guest number 50
that's snowed in and can't make it.
162
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,913
I guess it means
more Anthrax for us.
163
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,398
"Let's get there early," you said.
164
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,477
"For once let's
be responsible," you said.
165
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,592
"That dog won't take a whiz
on my guitar," you said.
166
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:56,832
I'm not so sure it was the dog,
Mr. Two-Six-Packs-of-Malt-Liquor.
167
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,518
Well, looks like
it's just gonna be us.
168
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:06,271
That's okay. We can still
have fun together. Right, guys?
169
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,956
Well, here's a little game I know
that can break the ice at any party.
170
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,799
We say our first names,
and then the name of an animal...
171
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,709
...that begins with the same letter.
I'll go first.
172
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,189
Bud. Bear.
173
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,428
Go on.
174
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,438
Dan. Bite me.
175
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,756
Now... Now, right off, Dan,
that's too many words.
176
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,109
Hi.
177
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,999
I just came by to check on you.
178
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,715
Oh, I see you have some killers over.
179
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,677
Very nice. I'm Marcie.
180
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,757
Nice to meet you, sir.
181
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,631
I am a woman.
182
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,074
Yeah, right. And he's a rap star...
183
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,670
...and she's a genius,
and we're glad to be here.
184
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,873
Well, anyway, your mother and father
asked me to look in on you...
185
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:22,153
...while they were out of town to make
sure everything's on the up and up.
186
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,031
My, you're young and firm.
187
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,152
Thanks, mister.
188
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,511
Relax, Mrs. D'Arcy,
they're famous musicians.
189
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,075
We won them in a contest.
190
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,949
Musicians, eh? Well, I don't want you
to think I'm unhip.
191
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,277
I chased the Monkees
like everyone else.
192
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,040
Yeah, I bet they were
running like hell.
193
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,597
Well, I liked Peter.
He was the shy one.
194
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,189
Which one of you is the shy one?
195
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,834
Not me, I wear the hat.
196
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,237
Hey, let's get this little guy's shovel
and dig a tunnel out of here.
197
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,315
Sorry, guys,
but you're going nowhere.
198
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,318
According to this contract,
you owe us a song first.
199
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,512
Hey, it's supposed to be
dinner with Anthrax. Dinner.
200
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,551
I play nothing till I eat.
201
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:31,110
In case you're wondering,
I'm the hungry one.
202
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,157
Well, let's go over to the fridge
and see what we got to eat.
203
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,550
Hey, do you guys do
"I'm a Believer"?
204
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,435
Because Micky used to really
rock out on that one.
205
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,509
- Wow, the desolation.
- It's not totally empty.
206
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,756
There's a Chia Pet in there.
207
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,310
That... That's not a Chia Pet.
That was a meat loaf.
208
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,996
But there's always Mom's
aluminium-foil-wrapped mystery pack.
209
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,873
- Food.
- Man, I am starving.
210
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,713
They're gonna eat
the mystery pack.
211
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,673
Even Dad won't eat the mystery pack.
These guys are cool.
212
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,353
Wow, the colours.
213
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,877
- The colours.
- Is your hunk moving?
214
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,159
Oh, it's biting me.
215
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,078
If it came out of the fridge,
why is it hot?
216
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,909
I see 50 people now. Let's jam.
217
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,799
Go ahead, see what it's like...
218
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,639
...to come home to your wife
in Hurricane Hole.
219
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,875
Look, Peg, I'm home.
220
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,470
Look, Stan, my husband's a moron.
221
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,556
Now, look, it's our anniversary.
222
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,194
You could at least have the decency
to step outside...
223
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,868
...and give us three seconds
to have sex.
224
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,036
Not until I've played my trump card.
225
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,913
Folks, if you buy here
in Hurricane Hole...
226
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:35,558
...your celebrity neighbour will be, yes,
Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.
227
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,158
Have a comb, fans.
228
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:56,549
Oh, Al, it's former teen idol
and star of 77 Sunset Strip...
229
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,239
...Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.
230
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,836
Oh, man.
231
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,873
So, Kook, tell the folks
why you bought here in Hurricane Hole.
232
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,959
- You gave me one for free, Stan.
- Good, Kook.
233
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,628
So, what do you say, folks?
It's just 6 dollars down.
234
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,956
I don't have that kind of money.
235
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:20,832
Come on, everyone has
that kind of money, even Kookie.
236
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,833
Well, you see, my husband
is a shoe salesman.
237
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,596
Let's go, Kook.
238
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,397
Be out by dawn.
239
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,189
Oh, Al, Kookie spoke to me.
Let's do it on his combs.
240
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,073
Well, wait a second, Peg,
Kookie stole my copy of Big 'Uns.
241
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,236
Come on, now,
I want my anniversary present.
242
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,795
Well, Peg, I can't do it
without my copy of Big 'Uns.
243
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,437
- Yes, you can.
- Kookie. Kookie, lend me my Big 'Uns.
244
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,594
You kids should be ashamed
of yourselves.
245
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,839
Having a party while I was stuck down
in a swamp having sex with your mother.
246
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,878
I never wanna go back
to either place again.
247
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,638
Where's my fun?
248
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,879
Al, like you,
the kids just did their best.
249
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,152
- I'm sorry about everything, Mom.
- Yeah, happy anniversary.
250
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,352
- Did you get us anything good?
- Well, we didn't have much money...
251
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,439
...so we got the only thing
we could afford. It's out on the porch.
252
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,752
Hey, kids.
253
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,913
Hey, as soon as I bring in the rest
of your bags, I got a treat for you.
254
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,635
Yep. Kookie, Kookie,
lend me your comb.
255
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,839
Who's he?
256
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,634
That's Kookie. Your mother said
she'd walk and feed him...
257
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,718
...but you know the first rainy night
who's gonna be doing it.
258
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,592
Who are those guys
out on the stoop?
259
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,995
Oh, that's the band Anthrax.
260
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,556
They ate Mom's mystery pack, so
the Environmental Protection Agency...
261
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,036
...quarantined them to our house
for six months.
262
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:10,398
What horrible sounds am I gonna have
to be listening to for the next half-year?1
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,158
How long are we gonna
be gone, Mom?
2
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,590
Oh, until this thing
blows over, honey.
3
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,633
Your father's wrath
is gonna be just terrible.
4
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,558
Come on, Buck, what's keeping you?
5
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:37,958
I misplaced my dead bird,
if you don't mind.
6
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,393
Look, we can get
another dog on the road.
7
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,071
I just do not wanna be here when
Daddy finds out the awful truth:
8
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,999
That we can no longer
afford a TV Guide.
9
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,752
He just might run amok again.
10
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:57,556
I think we all remember the great
toilet paper scare of '86.
11
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,553
Where was I?
12
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,035
Well, let's see, '86.
13
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,754
All your friends were
discovering girls, so I believe...
14
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,155
...you were up in your room,
trying to decide...
15
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,112
...which shirt goes
with nothing to do.
16
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,235
You are lucky you weren't here.
17
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:18,831
The market ran out of Aurora white,
and I had to buy the house brand.
18
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,838
I even put it in
the old Aurora wrapping...
19
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,155
...but he knew at first touch.
20
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,231
God, it was terrible.
Him running around...
21
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,715
...with his pants down
around his ankles...
22
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,956
...screaming to the heavens.
23
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,755
That was the last bridge party
I ever had.
24
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,510
They still talk about
his great doodie strike...
25
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,836
...wherever fine toilet paper is sold.
26
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,078
I hear the sound of a muffler
scraping ground. Dad's home.
27
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,996
What do we do? What do we do?
28
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,509
Just act calm.
29
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,314
I know. We'll put out
an old TV Guide.
30
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,476
Maybe it'll buy us some time.
31
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,238
Maybe we're worried about nothing.
32
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,318
I mean, maybe he'll come home
in a good mood.
33
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,193
Why doesn't the world die?
34
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,476
So far so good.
35
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,959
There was a fire in the mall today.
36
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:25,312
Twenty stores went up, but guess
where they were able to stop the fire?
37
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,149
Yes, the shoe store.
38
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,352
So I don't get any days off,
but I should be raking it in...
39
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,109
...because it's well known women love
to tromp through burned-out malls...
40
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:41,438
...just to buy shoes that used to be cats
from a guy that used to be a man.
41
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:47,357
All I wanna do is curl up on
the couch with a nice TV Guide.
42
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,753
Oh, man, they put
Starsky and Hutch back on the air.
43
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,797
Finally, my letters mean something.
44
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,994
The little dark-haired one got fat.
45
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,038
Oh, man, that's Roseanne.
46
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,233
What madness is this?
47
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,471
Honey, we have
a confession to make.
48
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,593
They raised the cost of heating, and we
can't afford to buy a new TV Guide.
49
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,749
See, he can deal with it.
50
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:33,476
Honey, it'll be okay. We could steal
a newspaper and use their TV section.
51
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,280
Are you insane? It's not the same.
52
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,630
Does a newspaper fit snugly
in your hands?
53
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,400
Does it jeer? Does it cheer?
54
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,596
Are there articles about
William Conrad...
55
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,997
...and what he'll be doing on
Circus of the Stars? I think not.
56
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,952
Now, look, for years the only
reason we had heat was for the kids.
57
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,388
Now they're both over 18.
58
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,955
I say, let them freeze.
I want my TV Guide.
59
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,036
Al, be reasonable.
It's 79 cents a week.
60
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,629
I'm sorry, honey,
here I thought it was a quarter.
61
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,991
Are you gonna
throw a fit now, sweetie?
62
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,997
Yes, I am.
63
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,630
Well, kick some booty, honey.
64
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,070
How long have we got?
65
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:30,068
I'd say five, four...
Come on, kids.
66
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:35,229
Three, two, one.
67
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,796
Oh, mighty one who created
the heavens and the earth...
68
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,718
...and you who
created my wife and kids...
69
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,955
...why doth thou
torment me with a TV...
70
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,357
...but not a TV Guide
to enjoy it with?
71
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:02,908
I have nothing.
72
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,156
Nothing, nothing.
73
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,999
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
74
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,998
Excuse me, Mr. Woodpecker...
75
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,269
...but have you seen a middle-aged
shoe salesman...
76
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,755
...with no reason to live?
77
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,393
Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
78
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,359
Why, you paying off the house?
79
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,679
This is for a necessity. Now what do
you say? Do you have 79 cents?
80
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,714
Nope. Nope, nothing
but large-denomination bills.
81
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,229
I did have some quarters
a few hours back...
82
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,954
...but I used them to feed the ducks.
83
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,318
If they eat enough
of them, they sink.
84
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:47,999
Sometimes I name them first.
85
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,553
- It's good you have a hobby.
- Yeah, well, I have no job.
86
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,955
- You gotta fill the hours, you know.
- Yeah.
87
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,675
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's why I do the shoe thing.
88
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,272
Jefferson, let me ask you something,
how come you always have money?
89
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,914
And I just have a 1972 TV Guide...
90
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:11,318
...which, if CBS hadn't brought back
All in the Family, wouldn't be any use.
91
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,551
Well, there's no trick to it, Al.
92
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:17,513
Did you ever see the ad,
"Madam Zelda can make you rich...
93
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,631
...with your personal
lucky numbers"?
94
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,757
Madam Zelda sends
you lucky numbers?
95
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,072
No. I'm Madam Zelda.
96
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,713
I sell the numbers.
97
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:28,559
- You?
- Yeah.
98
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,955
How can you take money
from unsuspecting people?
99
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:34,750
I'm a thief. Love me for what I am.
100
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,111
But this is just between us, right?
101
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,557
I'm a squealer.
102
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,429
Love me for what I am.
103
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,478
Or cut me in.
104
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,633
"Mr. Brown, your lucky day
is Wednesday.
105
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,714
Signed, Madam Zelda."
106
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,874
Well, here's this morning's take.
107
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,877
How you doing, Al?
108
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,710
How am I doing?
I got two TV Guides, baby.
109
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,477
Yeah. Got one on the table
and one in the bathroom.
110
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:23,231
I'm rich. Oh, God, I've arrived.
You know, I just love the feeling...
111
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,795
...of suddenly being able
to provide for my family.
112
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,434
- So you told them?
- Hell, no.
113
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,995
It's just good knowing
I can provide for them.
114
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,351
- What if they find out?
- How? They're morons.
115
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,798
They might suspect something,
but how are they gonna catch me?
116
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,718
Bark, boy.
117
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,315
- AI.
- You know, I may as well admit it...
118
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,159
...l'm the only smart one
in the family.
119
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,112
I mean, we got a woman so lame...
120
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,709
...that she actually thinks
when I groan during sex...
121
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,990
...it has anything to do with her.
122
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,395
And Bud wouldn't know
the house was on fire...
123
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,716
...if it wasn't on Nick at Nite.
124
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:15,198
And the only reason that Kelly got
a head is to keep rain out of her neck.
125
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,991
Hey.
126
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:29,158
But they are my family,
and I really should tell them...
127
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,193
...because I do love them...
If only they were home.
128
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,795
All right, Al, can it.
129
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,150
We just have
three simple words for you.
130
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,316
We want in.
131
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,750
What's the third word, Mom?
132
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,435
Take Buck for a walk, honey.
133
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,393
Come on, boy, we're going
for a walkie-walkie.
134
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:52,879
Now, look here, Al.
135
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,196
When I married you
it was for richer or poorer.
136
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,995
Now I thought we would try one,
then the other, and then choose.
137
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,272
Well, I believe we've gone just about
as far as we can with poor.
138
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,756
So if you think that you are
moving on to rich without me...
139
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,030
Without us.
140
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,636
Without me.
141
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:16,078
- then you are cheaper and
stupider than the shoes you sell.
142
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,400
Let me confab with my partner.
143
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,472
No, no, no.
144
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,437
Then they might go tell the cops,
and we could both get in trouble.
145
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,397
Well, you owe me one, honey.
I talked Jefferson into it.
146
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,030
You're in. Actually,
it's a pretty good idea...
147
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,630
...because I'm thinking of expansion.
- What kind of expansion?
148
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,400
The kind of expansion
I'm thinking about will allow me...
149
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,639
...to dress my woman in ermines
and pearls, like she deserves.
150
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,398
And I won't forget you either, Peg.
151
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,512
- Hello.
- Hello.
152
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,913
Madam Zelda Incorporated.
How may the stars help you?
153
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,038
Hello. Lucky days, $2.
154
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,357
Lucky numbers, $5.
155
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:23,314
Or you can get lucky with me for 50.
156
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,557
Well, let me consult my crystal ball.
157
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,989
It seems that your lucky day
is Thursday.
158
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,430
Your husband died on Thursday?
159
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,870
Gee, I'm better than I thought.
160
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,590
The spirits are about to speak.
161
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,031
Your lucky number is C.
162
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,478
This is better than women, D'Arcy.
163
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,989
I mean, we are bigger
than U.S. Steel.
164
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,519
We are not.
165
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,632
Well, the way the economy's
going we just might be.
166
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,516
I don't like it. We should have kept
it simple. You get in, you get out.
167
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,392
Like sex.
168
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:08,948
- Yeah.
- You're just mad...
169
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,355
...because my father took
over the operation.
170
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,989
We're making more in a week
than we made in a month.
171
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,395
I'm worried about the attention
we're attracting.
172
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,512
And most of all, I'm worried
about your father. He's changed.
173
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,871
I can't put my finger on it,
but he's different somehow.
174
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:37,231
Let it be noted the stars say
I'm handsomer than yesterday.
175
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,559
Let's get those phones going.
176
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,991
I want to see lines lit.
I want to see people fleeced.
177
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,875
Come on, my little fortune cookies,
Daddy needs a new pair of everything.
178
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,677
- How we doing?
- Everything's fine, but the West Side.
179
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,188
That's okay.
180
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,551
The West Side is Madam Inga's turf.
And you don't wanna mess with her.
181
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,514
Damn Madam Inga and her army
of psychic Swedes.
182
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,790
I want the West Side,
I'll have the West Side.
183
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,754
I'll have all sides.
Inside, outside, East Side, West Side.
184
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,270
Matter of fact, I'll have a hamburger
with a side of onion rings...
185
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,391
...paid for by
the pensions of old ladies.
186
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,076
Can I get a "whoa, stealing
old ladies' pensions"?
187
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,952
- Whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions.
- Whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions.
188
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,870
I can't believe your father
has called together...
189
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,435
...the heads of Chicago's five
psychic families.
190
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:38,312
I think the greed has finally
sent him into insanity.
191
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,239
You don't talk about family business
in front of strangers.
192
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,072
My father knows what he's doing.
193
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,391
Silence.
194
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,997
Put your hands together
for the sultan of psychics...
195
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,670
...the king of clairvoyance,
the Pharaoh of fraud.
196
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,189
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give him a big welcome.
197
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,836
He's my daddy,
Al "Madam Zelda" Bundy.
198
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,389
You are my people.
199
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,670
I'd like to introduce now...
200
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,599
...the king of the Ouija boards
on the South Side:
201
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,358
Big Bob Barruth.
202
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,108
My friends call me Huggie.
203
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:37,713
And the man who controls the palms on
our North Shore, Zelmo the Toad.
204
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,832
I can kill with my tongue.
205
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,035
And the man who controls
the crystals in the Loop:
206
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:48,028
- Mad Thursday Markowitz.
- Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
207
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,558
And king of the tarots...
208
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,115
...who came all
the way from southern Wisconsin:
209
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:59,189
- Hakbar the Beast.
- I'll paint any car for $19.95.
210
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,390
And last, but not least...
211
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,876
...although by far
the ugliest and hairiest...
212
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,152
...the virtuoso of the crystal ball:
213
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,873
Madam Inga.
214
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,272
The spirits tell me you
have not bathed today...
215
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,950
...or yesterday.
216
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,794
Please, you could have heard
that anywhere.
217
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,474
Friends and charlatans...
218
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:31,590
...our city is divided like a pizza
with five different toppings.
219
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:36,271
The only thing holding it together
in a cohesive unit is the cheese.
220
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,472
- Daddy, the crust too.
- Leave Daddy alone, sweetheart...
221
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,591
...he's kingpinning.
222
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,400
So, what I'm trying to tell you is...
223
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,989
...we shouldn't be fighting
each other like jackals...
224
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,796
...but instead come together
under a benevolent cheese.
225
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,514
I am that cheese.
226
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,834
Oh, Al, the cutest thing
just happened.
227
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,316
And here comes the anchovy
no one wants to touch.
228
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,793
- What is it, Peg?
- Honey, I got the sweetest letter.
229
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,198
This lady that I picked a lucky number
for just won $12 at bingo.
230
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,072
Do you know what this means?
231
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,313
That in a room full of loons
you still manage to stand out?
232
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,792
No. It means I really do have a gift.
233
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,309
Oh, Al, I've been touched.
234
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,676
Certainly not by me.
235
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,677
Now, I am serious, Al.
236
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,758
Give me your palm.
I'll read your future.
237
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,198
Better give me the other one.
That one says nothing.
238
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:42,514
So what I'd like to do is form a lean,
mean psychic machine...
239
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,399
...with me as your leader
for a mere 50 percent.
240
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,512
- Are you with me?
- This is ridiculous.
241
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,998
I share nothing with you,
you psychic-less shoe salesman.
242
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,158
My gift is real, and so is my curse.
243
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,548
Oh, help me.
244
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,513
Save me, Peg, before the hairs
on her very lip reach out...
245
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,439
...and strangle me like
the mighty octopus.
246
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,469
I'll ask my spirits what to do.
247
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,591
You do that, baby.
248
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:14,393
In the meantime, Inga,
baby, doll, crone...
249
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,152
...now, this is not an order,
but a mere suggestion.
250
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:22,239
If you don't want in,
then you're free to leave.
251
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,677
Inga...
252
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,636
...you forgot something.
253
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,910
It slipped.
254
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,911
You will pay for busting my ball.
255
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,635
May you...
256
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,717
It's too late.
257
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,791
May your wife...
258
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,311
No sense in that.
259
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,838
May your children...
260
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:09,394
Oh, well, I'll think of something.
But cursed you shall be. This I vow.
261
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,475
Anyone else want out?
262
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,510
Good, then it's settled.
263
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,472
Kelly.
264
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,398
It's rolling in.
265
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,511
Curse, my heinie.
266
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:42,478
Can you imagine people in this day and
age still believe that mumbo jumbo.
267
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,191
You know, after I milk Chicago dry,
I'm thinking about heading west.
268
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,472
Yeah, where all a guy needs is guts
and a bad Hungarian accent...
269
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,796
...to fleece the beautiful people.
270
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,958
Al, I'm scared.
271
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,232
You are meddling with powers
which, much like a woman's body...
272
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,749
...you don't understand.
273
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,912
Madam Inga is real.
274
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,270
Didn't you feel her power
when she walked by?
275
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,318
Peg, the only power I sensed...
276
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,990
...was that of the mighty forces
unleashed by beans.
277
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,392
But, Daddy, what if her powers are real?
What if she turns one of us into a frog?
278
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,796
You're laughing now.
Let's see how you feel...
279
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,595
...when you've been turned
into a thick-thighed waitress.
280
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,751
And that's just the curse of time.
281
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,758
Wait till Madam Inga's
through with you.
282
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,709
They're magically delicious.
They're magically delicious.
283
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,073
Al.
284
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,232
Al, word's out on the street.
285
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:06,035
Madam Inga has called together all the
dark forces of Sweden against you.
286
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,595
What's gonna happen? I wake up
one morning owning a Volvo?
287
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,788
Spend the rest of my life as a skier?
288
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,433
Or worse, wake up one morning...
289
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,200
...next to a long-legged Nordic
beauty with big honkers?
290
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,118
Oh, no.
291
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,157
Yeah, well, I'm pulling out because
anyone around you is gonna get it.
292
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,029
We're all gonna walk the Earth
forever as undead masseuses.
293
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,753
Thank your father, kids.
294
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,996
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.
295
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,269
Now, what's wrong with you people?
296
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,277
How many times do you
come whining to me:
297
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,391
"Why can't we have a summer home?
298
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,912
Why can't we have a boat?
Why can't we have heat like cavemen?"
299
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,393
Well, now that you're up to your
little heinies in TV Guides...
300
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,875
...and I'm bringing home the bacon,
what do I hear?
301
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,755
"Somebody put a curse on us.
Let's blame Daddy."
302
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,315
Well, there's no
such thing as curses.
303
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,193
This is the 20th century, people.
304
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,868
There's no such thing as curses.
305
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,756
Well, Al, once again
you've enriched our lives.
306
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,393
Thank your father, kids.
307
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,075
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.
308
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:39,956
Hey, we sent Inga all our money,
against my wishes, by the way.
309
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,752
And the curse should be lifted soon.
310
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,952
lf, in fact, there is
such a thing as a curse.
311
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,994
Dad, what if she never got the money?
312
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,198
Buck has never let us down before.
He won't let us down now.
313
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,392
Here he comes now.
314
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:02,589
How you doing, Buck?
315
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,438
Did you send the money, boy?
316
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,036
Well, I had to use it for bail.
No one bothered to tell me...
317
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:12,677
...that when humans meet a girl, it's
considered impolite to sniff her butt.
318
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,631
Damn dog.
319
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,552
Well, I guess we're monkeys.
320
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,876
Yeah, big difference.1
00:01:16,954 --> 00:01:19,866
Ladies, does your husband come home
and ask you to cook...
2
00:01:20,074 --> 00:01:22,668
...or clean or care for the children?
3
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:27,823
We at the law offices of Shirley, Janet
and Patsy can help you.
4
00:01:28,034 --> 00:01:32,824
We say, sue the bastard for stress.
5
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:39,065
Shirley, Janet and Patsy
got me 2. 5 million.
6
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,307
- Hi, Peg.
- Oh, hi, Al.
7
00:01:44,514 --> 00:01:46,550
- Want some dinner?
- Not tonight, Peg.
8
00:01:46,754 --> 00:01:48,904
I've learned to live on plaque.
9
00:01:50,514 --> 00:01:53,711
Besides, I have everything I need
right here.
10
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:57,463
Oh, Al, you got Shower in a Box.
11
00:01:57,674 --> 00:02:02,623
No, Peg, I couldn't afford it because
years ago, I bought Wife on the Couch.
12
00:02:04,074 --> 00:02:09,307
Now, feast your eyes on this:
The Handyman's Workbench 5000.
13
00:02:09,514 --> 00:02:14,224
Oh, Al, hold me.
I want this moment to last forever.
14
00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:18,712
Don't worry, every moment with you
seems like it'll last forever.
15
00:02:18,914 --> 00:02:23,669
Oh, baby. This is gonna bring me
such pleasure.
16
00:02:23,874 --> 00:02:25,512
"Some assembly required."
17
00:02:25,714 --> 00:02:30,424
Shall I take it downstairs and put it
on the "no assembly achieved" pile?
18
00:02:30,994 --> 00:02:33,189
Al, why didn't you have them
assemble it for you?
19
00:02:33,394 --> 00:02:36,147
There, right there is what's
wrong with this country.
20
00:02:36,354 --> 00:02:38,265
We've become too dependent
on other people.
21
00:02:38,474 --> 00:02:40,863
Whatever happened to
the spirit of do-it-yourself?
22
00:02:41,074 --> 00:02:42,826
It's alive and well in our bedroom.
23
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:48,263
Well, I, too, need something
to fiddle with.
24
00:02:48,474 --> 00:02:54,026
So... So if you'll excuse me,
I shall organize my tools.
25
00:02:54,234 --> 00:02:59,547
- Then you'll see some fixing.
- Just like you fixed the step?
26
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:05,190
Of course, I could've changed
the light bulb.
27
00:03:05,914 --> 00:03:09,463
Mom, I heard a scream.
Did Dad fall down the stairs again?
28
00:03:09,674 --> 00:03:11,153
Cool.
29
00:03:14,914 --> 00:03:18,827
Oh, hey, Kel. What are you doing
outside fully clothed?
30
00:03:19,914 --> 00:03:21,142
I'm waiting for the mail.
31
00:03:21,354 --> 00:03:24,869
I'm expecting an invitation for Alpha.
You know, that club for smart people.
32
00:03:28,554 --> 00:03:32,069
Kel, you need a real high IQ
to join Alpha.
33
00:03:32,274 --> 00:03:36,904
- I've been turned down for that.
- That and everything else in the world.
34
00:03:37,554 --> 00:03:40,148
Seriously, Kel, now,
what are you doing outside?
35
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:43,152
Did you get this far
and you can't find the house?
36
00:03:46,274 --> 00:03:48,834
Laugh on, goo-boy.
37
00:03:49,074 --> 00:03:53,545
But remember: He who laughs last
laughs west.
38
00:03:56,114 --> 00:03:57,945
I happened to meet a guy
who's a member.
39
00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,622
He had me fill out some forms
and said if I qualified...
40
00:04:00,834 --> 00:04:02,426
Hi, Mr. Mailman.
41
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:05,387
He said if I qualified,
that I'd be getting an invitation...
42
00:04:05,594 --> 00:04:07,630
...to the new-members party
today in the mail.
43
00:04:07,834 --> 00:04:11,622
That's, "party." Let me explain
the concept to you.
44
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,870
You know when you line up
your toy soldiers...
45
00:04:14,074 --> 00:04:16,030
...and put cupcakes in front of them.
46
00:04:16,234 --> 00:04:18,828
It's kind of like that,
but with real people.
47
00:04:19,074 --> 00:04:20,826
I just wish the damn mail
would come.
48
00:04:24,674 --> 00:04:26,027
Here it is, Kel.
49
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:28,953
Oh, God, the mailman
must be invisible.
50
00:04:30,554 --> 00:04:32,545
Alpha, huh?
51
00:04:32,874 --> 00:04:35,513
Let's see...
Dad's bills.
52
00:04:35,714 --> 00:04:38,069
Jury duty for Mom.
53
00:04:38,274 --> 00:04:40,105
Playboy for you.
54
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,827
Playboy for Dad.
55
00:04:42,034 --> 00:04:44,309
Playgirl for Mom.
56
00:04:45,114 --> 00:04:47,867
Bitches in Heat for Buck.
57
00:04:50,754 --> 00:04:54,030
And here it is.
My invitation to Alpha.
58
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:56,111
Read it to me, Bud.
59
00:04:57,394 --> 00:04:58,668
I don't have to read it, Kel.
60
00:04:58,874 --> 00:05:00,626
It says " Congratulations,
Miss Bundy.
61
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,189
Your IQ score has placed you
square in the middle...
62
00:05:03,394 --> 00:05:05,544
...between an ashtray
and a pickle jar."
63
00:05:11,474 --> 00:05:14,034
"Congratulations, Miss Bundy.
64
00:05:14,234 --> 00:05:17,032
You have been invited to
our new-members mixer"?
65
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:20,192
- It can't be.
- I'm in. I'm in.
66
00:05:20,394 --> 00:05:22,988
I'm a genius and you're not:
67
00:05:31,354 --> 00:05:35,552
Let me read this again. Ten thousand
special ed teachers can't be wrong.
68
00:05:35,754 --> 00:05:38,268
I'll prove it. Quick:
How many are in a gross?
69
00:05:38,474 --> 00:05:40,669
You and four friends.
70
00:05:43,314 --> 00:05:48,024
I shall now leave you to wallow in the
murky world of your own Bud-dom.
71
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:51,624
I shall now let the family
behold my genius.
72
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:12,632
It turns, therefore, I am.
73
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:23,394
You know, I tease Al about it...
74
00:06:23,594 --> 00:06:26,552
...but there is nothing more exciting
than seeing real men...
75
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:30,224
...use their hands and minds as one.
- I know.
76
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:33,028
Look at the sweat
glistening off their bodies.
77
00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:37,307
Muscles tensed, brows furrowed.
I think they're almost finished.
78
00:06:37,514 --> 00:06:40,586
- Yes!
- I think they did it.
79
00:06:40,794 --> 00:06:42,625
And in only 15 minutes.
80
00:06:43,434 --> 00:06:47,347
Peg, we've opened the box.
81
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,552
Gee, that's great, honey.
82
00:06:56,754 --> 00:07:00,952
Today the box,
tomorrow the cap on the toothpaste.
83
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:04,510
You just can't stand to see a man
get ahead, can you?
84
00:07:04,714 --> 00:07:09,868
Hey, if the box was that easy to open,
imagine how easy the rest is gonna be.
85
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,792
Excuse me, Fred and Barney.
86
00:07:14,954 --> 00:07:18,469
Before you start running around the
room, slapping each other's heinies...
87
00:07:18,674 --> 00:07:22,553
...how long is this gonna take you?
- Directions say 20 minutes.
88
00:07:22,754 --> 00:07:27,384
I say we can do it under 15.
Just watch our dust.
89
00:07:42,034 --> 00:07:44,025
Where were we?
90
00:07:44,554 --> 00:07:45,987
Step one.
91
00:07:47,354 --> 00:07:49,549
Well, read it to me.
92
00:07:49,794 --> 00:07:53,025
"Congratulations on your purchase
of the easy-to-put-together...
93
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:57,546
...Handyman's Workbench 5000.
Open box."
94
00:07:58,234 --> 00:07:59,986
Well, we did that.
95
00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:05,543
Look, Peggy. Husbands in the mist.
96
00:08:07,394 --> 00:08:10,272
They're all the same.
My father was like that.
97
00:08:10,474 --> 00:08:14,592
He would sit on the porch and whittle
the same piece of wood for hours...
98
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,752
...before he realized it was his finger.
99
00:08:18,914 --> 00:08:21,712
The only day my father would build
was Christmas Eve.
100
00:08:21,914 --> 00:08:23,950
He'd put together all my toys.
101
00:08:24,154 --> 00:08:26,031
Till I was old enough
to know it was him...
102
00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:28,589
...I always thought it was Santa
downstairs yelling:
103
00:08:29,794 --> 00:08:33,025
"Damn kid and her freaking wagon!"
104
00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:36,828
And then I'd go downstairs
on Christmas Day...
105
00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:40,231
...and find all my shiny, new,
bloody toys.
106
00:08:41,034 --> 00:08:43,184
Well, then this should bring back
some memories.
107
00:08:43,394 --> 00:08:46,511
Al's getting ready
to use the staple gun.
108
00:08:49,954 --> 00:08:52,468
- Oh, you little baby.
- Oh, get me loose.
109
00:08:52,674 --> 00:08:55,746
No. No, now, it'll slow us up.
110
00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:58,673
Have you seen any of those
L-shaped things?
111
00:08:58,874 --> 00:09:02,992
No. No, I've been finding these pieces
shaped like sevens.
112
00:09:04,194 --> 00:09:06,549
What idiot packed this box?
113
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:10,542
Oh, well, maybe I can reshape them
with my blowtorch.
114
00:09:11,794 --> 00:09:13,625
- Blowtorch?
- Blowtorch?
115
00:09:17,714 --> 00:09:21,150
Please, please.
Kel, please take me with you.
116
00:09:21,354 --> 00:09:24,312
No, you are too stupid to get in.
117
00:09:24,514 --> 00:09:27,824
But I'll bring you back some leftovers
in a dummy bag.
118
00:09:28,874 --> 00:09:31,342
Now, go away before I'm tardy
for the party.
119
00:09:32,314 --> 00:09:36,512
Watch me as I effortlessly
turn the knob.
120
00:09:49,474 --> 00:09:54,992
Very interesting. Push in, pull out.
How should I remember that?
121
00:09:55,194 --> 00:09:56,866
Well...
122
00:10:04,514 --> 00:10:07,824
"Push," unlike "pull,"
starts with a P.
123
00:10:09,594 --> 00:10:12,188
Make new thoughts,
but keep the old.
124
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:16,353
One is silver and the other is old.
125
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,909
I've gotta get to the bottom of this.
126
00:10:22,874 --> 00:10:25,946
This blowtorch doesn't look clogged
to me.
127
00:10:27,554 --> 00:10:30,944
- You hold the lighter and let me look.
- All right.
128
00:10:33,914 --> 00:10:37,668
You can almost hear
the Looney Tunes theme, can't you?
129
00:10:47,674 --> 00:10:50,108
- My eyebrows!
- AI.
130
00:10:50,394 --> 00:10:52,464
- My eyebrows!
- Come on, Al!
131
00:10:52,674 --> 00:10:56,030
Somebody put out my eyebrows!
132
00:10:57,674 --> 00:11:01,064
Relax, Al, I'm depriving the fire
of oxygen.
133
00:11:09,554 --> 00:11:11,510
That's... That's better.
134
00:11:12,874 --> 00:11:15,832
Well, no... No need to worry.
Fire's out.
135
00:11:16,994 --> 00:11:19,872
One, two, three...
136
00:11:21,634 --> 00:11:23,226
This is to identify all new members.
137
00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:26,585
Thank you, kind sir
of merely average intelligence.
138
00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,029
Do you have an invitation, sir?
139
00:11:39,354 --> 00:11:40,992
This is a bus pass, sir.
140
00:11:42,794 --> 00:11:44,989
I must have left my invitation
at the hospital...
141
00:11:45,194 --> 00:11:47,344
...where I work as a doctor
at this young age.
142
00:11:47,554 --> 00:11:52,105
- Oh, name?
- Howser. Doogie Howser.
143
00:11:54,074 --> 00:11:57,111
- Go away, sir.
- Alrighty.
144
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,751
But don't come crying to me,
saying, "Help me, Dr. Howser"...
145
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,991
...when your high-paying, high-stress
job gives you an ulcer.
146
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:10,950
Hi, my name's Harvey.
These parties are such a gas.
147
00:12:11,154 --> 00:12:16,182
- Hi there, Harv. Say, nice pencil pouch.
- Well, l...
148
00:12:28,754 --> 00:12:31,951
Well, of course the Soviet Union
was bound to fall.
149
00:12:32,154 --> 00:12:35,032
I mean, it's all the way
on the edge of the map.
150
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:39,626
Kelly, you really should share
your theory with lvan over there.
151
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:43,793
And while you're there, tell him your
theory about how snowmen are born.
152
00:12:48,074 --> 00:12:51,544
- Was I wrong about her?
- She is all you said and more.
153
00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:54,314
She's sure to win you
the "stupidest date" award.
154
00:12:54,514 --> 00:12:58,666
Well, when I found her,
she was just staring at a door.
155
00:12:58,874 --> 00:13:00,546
But yours is no slouch.
156
00:13:12,554 --> 00:13:15,227
God, I love these idiot parties.
157
00:13:22,914 --> 00:13:25,030
Well, of course I'm very intelligent...
158
00:13:25,234 --> 00:13:29,022
...but I feel I make the statement
that brains and decent knockers...
159
00:13:29,234 --> 00:13:35,025
...can go hand in hand to march us
proudly into the 19th century.
160
00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:41,310
- Kel.
- Bud.
161
00:13:41,514 --> 00:13:42,913
I think you made a wrong turn.
162
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:46,424
The Pimples Without Partners
meeting is down the hall.
163
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:51,190
I don't know if I should tell you this,
what with me hating you and all...
164
00:13:51,394 --> 00:13:54,272
...but do you know what a
"pig party" is?
165
00:13:54,474 --> 00:13:56,669
Of course, I do. I'm a genius.
166
00:13:56,874 --> 00:14:00,230
It's where a bunch of cute people
find ugly dates, pretend to like them...
167
00:14:00,434 --> 00:14:03,471
...take them to a party
and laugh at them until they cry.
168
00:14:03,674 --> 00:14:06,905
- So you've done it before?
- That hurts.
169
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,389
Have I ever invited you to a party?
170
00:14:09,594 --> 00:14:12,028
Now, that should prove
that I've never been to one.
171
00:14:12,794 --> 00:14:14,864
Well, you've been to one now.
172
00:14:15,074 --> 00:14:17,827
This is Alpha's version
of a pig party, Kel.
173
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:22,824
Instead of ugly, they invite...
How should I put this delicately?
174
00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:25,628
- morons, cretins, fools,
mind-blowing imbeciles.
175
00:14:28,394 --> 00:14:31,227
Everyone with a patch
is someone's dumb date.
176
00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:33,584
Come on, I'll show you.
177
00:14:36,794 --> 00:14:39,228
Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
178
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,789
I'm Delbert. I'm a Los Angeles
public school teacher.
179
00:14:41,994 --> 00:14:44,030
That doesn't prove anything.
180
00:14:45,514 --> 00:14:47,823
He could just be a temp
or something.
181
00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:53,750
Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
182
00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:56,673
Hi, I'm Ralph.
I'm a network executive.
183
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:04,623
- But I'm still not sold.
- Well, does this sell you?
184
00:15:18,714 --> 00:15:20,545
Oh, my God, it's true.
185
00:15:21,634 --> 00:15:23,545
- Kel. Kel, wait.
- Leave me alone.
186
00:15:23,754 --> 00:15:25,426
You just wanna rub it in.
187
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,148
I got the rest of my life to do that.
188
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,671
I just wanted to tell you
not to feel bad.
189
00:15:30,874 --> 00:15:33,752
Not to feel bad? How can I not?
190
00:15:33,954 --> 00:15:36,991
Do you know what it's like to have
people laughing at you at a party?
191
00:15:37,194 --> 00:15:41,426
To have them talk behind your back?
To exist only to be made fun of?
192
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,706
Well, naturally, you do, but I don't.
193
00:15:45,554 --> 00:15:47,510
It hurts. Let's go.
194
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:52,983
Kel, come on. You can't run and hide.
That's not the Bundy way.
195
00:15:53,194 --> 00:15:56,823
You gotta get back at these people
the Bundy way.
196
00:16:03,474 --> 00:16:06,147
But I like changing my underwear.
197
00:16:08,554 --> 00:16:11,193
The other Bundy way, Kel.
198
00:16:11,954 --> 00:16:16,630
Destroy their superior smiles
with sheer, pointless violence.
199
00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:20,552
You'd do that for me even after
the way I treated you tonight?
200
00:16:20,754 --> 00:16:22,790
Hey, they did turn me down.
201
00:16:22,994 --> 00:16:26,191
Well, then you'd have to go
beat up every girl in Chicago.
202
00:16:26,914 --> 00:16:29,792
I'm just kidding you,
you little wallaby.
203
00:16:30,874 --> 00:16:33,786
Let's go kick a little genius butt.
204
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:41,024
Hey, five-eyes.
205
00:16:43,994 --> 00:16:48,385
Attention all guests.
We are the intellectually challenged.
206
00:16:48,594 --> 00:16:50,983
Does that mean we let nerds
make fun of us?
207
00:16:51,194 --> 00:16:52,866
That would make us lower than them.
208
00:16:53,074 --> 00:16:56,191
So I say, let's return
to the pecking order of high school.
209
00:16:56,394 --> 00:17:00,148
So come on, people, if you're stupid
and you know it, punch a nerd.
210
00:17:07,674 --> 00:17:10,427
That's right. Make them
eat their pencil pouches.
211
00:17:22,994 --> 00:17:26,350
Kel. Kel, come on.
I think we're finished here.
212
00:17:26,554 --> 00:17:28,067
Okay.
213
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:41,027
All right, let me know
when I get all the way through.
214
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,073
Okey-dokey.
215
00:17:48,314 --> 00:17:50,111
Sorry, pal.
216
00:17:50,434 --> 00:17:55,189
- Oh, can I have that one?
- Well, you'll have to trade me.
217
00:17:55,394 --> 00:17:57,225
Well, I have a nice action shot...
218
00:17:57,434 --> 00:18:00,665
...of the men
nailing themselves together...
219
00:18:00,874 --> 00:18:03,593
...and then running
around the room idiotically.
220
00:18:03,794 --> 00:18:08,549
Well, how about this one of Al's face
when the circular saw fell in lap?
221
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,031
Give me one of them
L-shaped things.
222
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,065
Well, there's only one more left.
223
00:18:13,274 --> 00:18:16,630
You'll have to make some more
out of these extra sevens.
224
00:18:19,874 --> 00:18:21,671
I can't find the hole.
225
00:18:29,954 --> 00:18:33,503
Hell, I'll just sand the whole thing.
It's like my Dad used to say:
226
00:18:33,714 --> 00:18:38,310
"There is no mix-up
a sander can't fix up."
227
00:18:38,754 --> 00:18:43,589
- God, that's beautiful.
- Plug us in, buddy.
228
00:18:44,034 --> 00:18:46,832
Al, don't you have too many things
plugged in already?
229
00:18:47,074 --> 00:18:51,829
Peg, the only experience you have
are with things that use batteries.
230
00:18:53,394 --> 00:18:54,873
Men know plugs.
231
00:18:55,994 --> 00:18:59,669
- Plug us in, pal.
- Photo op.
232
00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:11,510
He hasn't moved like that in years.
233
00:19:12,594 --> 00:19:16,143
Do you think Jefferson is stupid enough
to try and unplug him now?
234
00:19:16,354 --> 00:19:18,265
I'll save you, buddy.
235
00:19:21,514 --> 00:19:23,709
I guess he is.
236
00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:26,382
- To men.
- To men.
237
00:20:03,154 --> 00:20:05,952
Hi, Daddy. I couldn't sleep.
238
00:20:06,154 --> 00:20:10,830
Well, since you're up,
share Daddy's triumph.
239
00:20:11,554 --> 00:20:15,308
The Handyman Workbench 5000.
240
00:20:15,754 --> 00:20:18,905
- It's very nice, Daddy.
- Oh, don't touch it.
241
00:20:20,034 --> 00:20:21,831
It's just for looking at.
242
00:20:23,114 --> 00:20:27,266
- So, what's up?
- Daddy, do you think I'm stupid?
243
00:20:27,474 --> 00:20:28,702
Well...
244
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,983
Pumpkin, "stupid" is a relative term.
245
00:20:34,314 --> 00:20:38,023
Well, you're a relative.
That's why I'm asking you.
246
00:20:40,794 --> 00:20:44,184
Well, pumpkin, see, some people
like to call someone...
247
00:20:44,394 --> 00:20:46,032
Let's say you.
248
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:51,149
- stupid because you just haven't found
what you're really good at yet.
249
00:20:51,354 --> 00:20:54,391
And everybody's good at something.
Take me, I'm good with my hands.
250
00:20:59,154 --> 00:21:01,031
And your mother.
Who's ever been better...
251
00:21:01,234 --> 00:21:02,952
...at doing nothing than your mother?
252
00:21:03,154 --> 00:21:05,543
We'll forget about Bud
because he's actually smart...
253
00:21:05,754 --> 00:21:08,985
...and we'll move on to Buck.
Remember when he was a puppy...
254
00:21:09,194 --> 00:21:11,424
...he used to run all around
with all that energy?
255
00:21:11,634 --> 00:21:13,864
Well, obviously he didn't like it.
256
00:21:14,794 --> 00:21:16,989
But years later, he found out
what he's good at.
257
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,662
Look at him, laying up there.
258
00:21:21,194 --> 00:21:23,503
Attaboy, Buck.
259
00:21:23,994 --> 00:21:27,031
What I'm saying, sweetheart, is
if you give yourself enough time...
260
00:21:27,234 --> 00:21:29,543
...you'll find out
what you're good at too.
261
00:21:29,754 --> 00:21:31,426
But I'm tired of waiting.
262
00:21:31,634 --> 00:21:34,102
I'm afraid I'm never gonna find it.
263
00:21:34,314 --> 00:21:36,270
Maybe what I'm good at
is being stupid.
264
00:21:36,474 --> 00:21:38,271
I guess it'll have to be enough.
265
00:21:38,474 --> 00:21:41,147
I'd feel better if there was just
one person on his earth...
266
00:21:41,354 --> 00:21:42,992
...that I was smarter than.
267
00:22:06,114 --> 00:22:07,911
Good night, Daddy.
268
00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:24,192
Jefferson?
269
00:22:24,394 --> 00:22:27,033
Jefferson, come see, I finished it.
I finished it.1
00:01:15,654 --> 00:01:18,327
- Daddy, do I have to watch this?
- Yes, you do.
2
00:01:18,574 --> 00:01:20,849
As your father, when I find
something of quality...
3
00:01:21,054 --> 00:01:24,012
...I feel it's my responsibility
that my child reap the benefits.
4
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:25,442
TV is not all trash.
5
00:01:27,454 --> 00:01:30,605
And now, back to Psycho Dad.
6
00:01:32,814 --> 00:01:35,726
A little touched
Or so we're told
7
00:01:35,934 --> 00:01:39,165
He killed his wife
Because she had a cold
8
00:01:39,374 --> 00:01:42,093
- Might as well, she was getting old
- Getting old
9
00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:46,204
Psycho Dad
Psycho Dad
10
00:01:46,414 --> 00:01:48,006
Psycho Dad
11
00:01:48,214 --> 00:01:53,083
He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done
12
00:01:53,294 --> 00:01:58,004
Killed three wives by 21
He's Psycho Dad
13
00:01:59,254 --> 00:02:02,724
This is why we must give to PBS.
14
00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:06,404
Oh, I'm so sick.
15
00:02:16,814 --> 00:02:18,486
Can someone get me some water?
16
00:02:19,174 --> 00:02:22,007
You know where the kitchen is.
17
00:02:22,214 --> 00:02:24,250
Or maybe you don't.
18
00:02:26,494 --> 00:02:29,054
Daddy, she is sick. She needs help.
19
00:02:30,574 --> 00:02:33,213
Mom, the kitchen's over there
somewhere.
20
00:02:35,934 --> 00:02:38,050
All right, fine. Be that way.
21
00:02:38,294 --> 00:02:40,854
But I hope you realize,
the longer I stay sick...
22
00:02:41,054 --> 00:02:44,171
...the longer it'll be before
I do any housework around here.
23
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,564
Oh, gee, Peg.
24
00:02:46,774 --> 00:02:48,890
But we can still have sex, can't we?
25
00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:58,449
Mom, Dad, Grandma.
26
00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:02,452
A weird thing happened to me
at school.
27
00:03:02,654 --> 00:03:05,851
My English teacher, Miss McGowen,
she was looking at me.
28
00:03:08,094 --> 00:03:11,689
She looked right at you?
Is she all right?
29
00:03:14,134 --> 00:03:17,331
Listen, Craftmatic Adjustable Girl...
30
00:03:19,054 --> 00:03:20,328
...I know the look.
31
00:03:20,574 --> 00:03:24,886
I get it plenty as I parade
the total package around town.
32
00:03:25,094 --> 00:03:29,690
It's the look that says, "You've got
it all and I want a piece of it."
33
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:33,006
I've seen that look a thousand times
on a thousand faces.
34
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,330
And I saw it again today.
35
00:03:37,214 --> 00:03:40,889
I'm not kidding. It was desire.
Desire, I tell you.
36
00:03:41,134 --> 00:03:44,490
Well, the great thing is that
you're at your sexual peak.
37
00:03:44,694 --> 00:03:47,970
This is it, Bud. "She looked at me."
38
00:03:48,174 --> 00:03:51,883
Yeah, that was the top of the hill.
The supreme moment.
39
00:03:52,094 --> 00:03:55,211
Something to tell your cats about
when you're 60.
40
00:03:55,934 --> 00:03:59,813
You know, when you think they're
looking at you, but they only want food.
41
00:04:00,654 --> 00:04:04,044
You know, this is almost too sad
to spread around the mall.
42
00:04:04,254 --> 00:04:06,404
Yep, almost.
43
00:04:08,494 --> 00:04:11,327
It is possible she looked at me.
Isn't it, Dad?
44
00:04:11,534 --> 00:04:14,412
Bud, didn't I take you to Little League
when you were 8?
45
00:04:14,614 --> 00:04:17,287
- Yes.
- Then what do you want from me?
46
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:22,809
See, I told you he wouldn't
have a date.
47
00:04:24,614 --> 00:04:26,809
- Now go ahead and ask him.
- All right.
48
00:04:27,054 --> 00:04:31,206
Hey, we're on our way
to Chuck E. Cheese...
49
00:04:33,134 --> 00:04:35,204
...and we'd be honoured
if you'd go with us.
50
00:04:35,414 --> 00:04:38,611
We don't want you to think that we're
taking you somewhere out of pity.
51
00:04:38,814 --> 00:04:41,931
- It's really a happening place, right?
- Oh, yeah. As the kids say:
52
00:04:42,134 --> 00:04:45,888
"It's uptight, out of sight,
and everything'll be all right!"
53
00:04:46,174 --> 00:04:49,371
You can pretend it's your birthday
and we'll get you a Chuck E. Ducky.
54
00:04:49,574 --> 00:04:52,088
It makes bath time fun.
55
00:04:54,374 --> 00:04:57,207
What does it look like I am,
the kid in Mask?
56
00:04:57,494 --> 00:04:59,212
I am popular.
57
00:04:59,414 --> 00:05:01,723
You get that, people? Popular.
58
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:04,129
Now can I get a
"Whoa, Bud is popular"?
59
00:05:04,774 --> 00:05:07,811
How about a "Whoa, shoot the boy"?
60
00:05:09,294 --> 00:05:12,206
I see. Well, get a load of this.
61
00:05:12,414 --> 00:05:15,406
Today at school, a teacher was
looking at me like I was breakfast.
62
00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:20,642
- What do you think of that, D'Arcy?
- I think that deserves an extra topping.
63
00:05:22,254 --> 00:05:25,371
She was looking at me.
She was, she was.
64
00:05:25,894 --> 00:05:29,489
She was looking at me
like Mrs. D'Arcy used to look at me.
65
00:05:33,094 --> 00:05:35,050
You mean like this?
66
00:05:38,494 --> 00:05:41,566
Well, yeah, but it was even more
bold with desire.
67
00:05:41,814 --> 00:05:45,523
All right, a commercial's on now,
I guess I have to get into this.
68
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:49,490
What are you people trying to do,
ruin my boy's confidence?
69
00:05:49,694 --> 00:05:54,165
Now, if he says a teacher looked at
him, I say a teacher looked at him.
70
00:05:54,374 --> 00:05:56,842
Son, was this a female teacher?
71
00:05:58,534 --> 00:06:00,445
Yes, Dad.
72
00:06:01,574 --> 00:06:04,691
- Seriously?
- Yes.
73
00:06:04,894 --> 00:06:06,407
All right, then, let's celebrate.
74
00:06:06,654 --> 00:06:09,407
You sit right down here
and you watch TV.
75
00:06:09,654 --> 00:06:12,122
Listen, is that Chuck E. Cheese
place good?
76
00:06:12,374 --> 00:06:16,128
We were only going to do it for the boy
because he was alone on Friday night.
77
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,926
Well, I'm alone on Friday night too.
78
00:06:18,134 --> 00:06:22,810
Well, gee, Al, it's too bad that the
Hair Club for Men isn't a real club, eh?
79
00:06:23,854 --> 00:06:26,209
Take me to Chuck E. Cheese.
You were gonna take Bud.
80
00:06:26,414 --> 00:06:28,166
Don't make me beg. Come on.
81
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:32,406
Well, Bud, I guess
it's just you and me.
82
00:06:32,654 --> 00:06:34,610
My boy and his sick mother...
83
00:06:34,814 --> 00:06:36,725
...who nursed you
when you were a baby...
84
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:41,166
...who fed you and nurtured you
and now all she asks for in return...
85
00:06:41,374 --> 00:06:45,287
...is some soup from Jerry's
and a burger from Don's...
86
00:06:45,494 --> 00:06:47,724
...and a meatball hero
from Tratatorio's...
87
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:50,892
...and a snow cone from lzzi's
at the airport.
88
00:06:51,774 --> 00:06:53,412
Mom, it's Friday night.
89
00:06:53,654 --> 00:06:56,691
Oh, my mama
90
00:06:56,894 --> 00:07:00,853
To me she was so beautiful
91
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:04,683
Oh, my mama
92
00:07:05,214 --> 00:07:08,092
- Okay, okay, I'll go.
- That's a good boy.
93
00:07:08,294 --> 00:07:09,966
Get me some tampons too.
94
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:18,290
Of course.
95
00:07:21,134 --> 00:07:25,332
Gee, Buck, no one loves you
when you're sick.
96
00:07:25,574 --> 00:07:27,883
Come give Mommy a kiss.
97
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:40,531
Coming next fall, Psycho Mom.
98
00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:46,006
Who's that gal who needs no man
99
00:07:46,214 --> 00:07:49,206
Killed him dead with a frying pan
100
00:07:49,414 --> 00:07:52,326
Did it 'cause he missed the can
101
00:07:52,534 --> 00:07:55,844
Psycho Mom
Psycho Mom
102
00:07:56,054 --> 00:07:58,409
She's Psycho Mom
103
00:07:59,294 --> 00:08:02,684
- On Fox.
- Naturally.
104
00:08:04,694 --> 00:08:08,733
And your next quiz will be on
the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe.
105
00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:13,325
She may not be looking at me now,
but she was too looking at me.
106
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:14,933
I just know it.
107
00:08:15,134 --> 00:08:17,853
And why not?
Lots of girls look at me.
108
00:08:19,174 --> 00:08:22,325
I know she's looking at me.
109
00:08:35,254 --> 00:08:37,165
Maybe everybody was right.
110
00:08:37,374 --> 00:08:39,808
Why would Miss McGowen
look at me?
111
00:08:40,014 --> 00:08:41,766
Who cares? She's 40.
112
00:08:41,974 --> 00:08:44,169
What would I want
with a 40-year-old woman?
113
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,650
I want that.
114
00:08:52,454 --> 00:08:55,127
I want that bad.
115
00:08:57,174 --> 00:08:59,130
Class dismissed.
116
00:09:01,854 --> 00:09:03,446
Except for you, Mr. Bundy.
117
00:09:04,254 --> 00:09:05,482
What could this be?
118
00:09:05,694 --> 00:09:09,004
I hope she didn't notice me
staring obsessively at her legs.
119
00:09:09,214 --> 00:09:14,447
Mr. Bundy, I've noticed you during
class staring obsessively at my legs.
120
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:18,730
Well, at least she didn't catch me
looking at other things.
121
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:21,164
And other things.
122
00:09:22,374 --> 00:09:23,853
Gulp.
123
00:09:24,094 --> 00:09:29,168
Your behaviour, Mr. Bundy,
has finally forced me to take action.
124
00:09:30,374 --> 00:09:33,491
I understand, Miss McGowen.
Do what you must.
125
00:09:57,414 --> 00:10:01,885
Aspirin. Honey, give me
an aspirin before I die.
126
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:04,731
Why me?
127
00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:08,812
What about the old guy
who lives in your room?
128
00:10:09,814 --> 00:10:13,329
Well, if you mean Daddy,
he's at Chuck E. Cheese.
129
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,447
He's been there
every night this week.
130
00:10:16,654 --> 00:10:18,610
Since he discovered
that the pizza's free...
131
00:10:18,814 --> 00:10:22,807
...if he just pretends to be with
whatever kid's having a birthday party.
132
00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:28,973
Well, I guess I have to start walking
a little bit prouder now, eh?
133
00:10:29,214 --> 00:10:32,331
- Give Mommy some aspirin, honey.
- Sure, Mommy.
134
00:10:32,574 --> 00:10:36,965
Hey, Bud, get Mom some aspirin.
Everyone else has a date.
135
00:10:38,574 --> 00:10:42,613
No, Kel, everyone has a date.
136
00:10:52,054 --> 00:10:55,046
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
137
00:10:57,614 --> 00:11:01,687
He's in a suit.
Is there a funeral at school today?
138
00:11:01,934 --> 00:11:06,132
Yes, 'tis the death of Bud Bundy,
lonely boy...
139
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:09,929
...and the birth of Stud Bundy,
only boy.
140
00:11:13,054 --> 00:11:15,124
I have a date.
141
00:11:15,334 --> 00:11:18,804
A date? Holy Hannah.
142
00:11:21,494 --> 00:11:25,373
Hello, Reverend Felcher?
Has hell frozen over?
143
00:11:26,974 --> 00:11:28,646
Well, something's up.
144
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:32,085
My brother has a date. Yes, Bud.
145
00:11:33,974 --> 00:11:36,647
I know. I know church is
the place to be at times like this.
146
00:11:36,854 --> 00:11:38,253
I'm coming right over.
147
00:11:38,454 --> 00:11:42,367
Now, you're the building with
the big T on top, right?
148
00:11:47,614 --> 00:11:52,005
- Daddy, the sky is falling.
- It would. Just when I start eating.
149
00:11:52,974 --> 00:11:56,523
Peg, look at this.
Look what I won playing Skee-Ball.
150
00:11:56,734 --> 00:11:59,612
Actually, I was a couple tickets short
so I copped a few...
151
00:11:59,814 --> 00:12:02,806
...from a kid in a stroller
who was too young to tell on me.
152
00:12:03,054 --> 00:12:07,172
Yeah, he can point and cry,
but let's see that hold up in court.
153
00:12:07,654 --> 00:12:10,851
- Son, you gotta come with me.
- Sorry, Dad, I can't...
154
00:12:11,054 --> 00:12:13,807
...because I have two things
you don't have: A date...
155
00:12:14,014 --> 00:12:16,369
...and an ounce of pride.
156
00:12:21,214 --> 00:12:22,886
Son, if you had an ounce of pride...
157
00:12:23,094 --> 00:12:25,449
...you wouldn't lie to us
about having a date.
158
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,247
That must be her now.
A half hour early, I might add.
159
00:12:31,454 --> 00:12:33,126
Well, who can blame her?
160
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:36,212
Sometimes I can't wait
to touch myself either.
161
00:12:42,214 --> 00:12:44,728
Well, you know what I mean.
162
00:12:45,374 --> 00:12:47,763
I'm afraid we do.
163
00:12:53,454 --> 00:12:54,682
Darlene?
164
00:12:59,174 --> 00:13:04,123
I shall now leave you to your
tissue-and cheese-infested lives.
165
00:13:06,454 --> 00:13:09,730
Word is you've been dating
Miss McGowen.
166
00:13:09,934 --> 00:13:13,006
Yeah, well, I'd hate to deny her this.
167
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:17,764
Well, what about me?
168
00:13:17,974 --> 00:13:20,010
I mean, I'd like to see you too.
169
00:13:20,254 --> 00:13:23,326
Why? I mean, sure.
170
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:25,684
- Why?
- Well, I can't help but think...
171
00:13:25,894 --> 00:13:30,604
...you must be quite a lover
if an older woman wants you.
172
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:35,088
Yeah, well, Miss McGowen...
Dotty and I.
173
00:13:35,294 --> 00:13:37,250
- we have this exclusive thing,
you know...
174
00:13:37,454 --> 00:13:39,763
..."Be true to your schoolmarm"
and all that.
175
00:13:46,974 --> 00:13:51,092
But then, I guess the old lady
can wait for half an hour.
176
00:13:59,174 --> 00:14:01,130
What are you doing?
177
00:14:02,814 --> 00:14:05,772
Little Andy Goldstein's
having a birthday.
178
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:12,523
Box is empty, but by the time
he finds out, I'll be full and gone.
179
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:20,010
- Don't you care at all that I'm sick?
- Well, of course I do, honey.
180
00:14:20,254 --> 00:14:23,166
How do you want me to prove it?
You want me to swim a river?
181
00:14:23,374 --> 00:14:27,003
- Climb a mountain? Slay a dragon?
- Bring me an aspirin.
182
00:14:27,254 --> 00:14:29,722
Can't do it, babe.
Gotta go to Chuck E. Cheese.
183
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,531
And that's another thing, Al.
184
00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:36,170
I am tired of you coming to bed
smelling of extra cheese.
185
00:14:36,374 --> 00:14:38,763
I can't believe no one cares.
186
00:14:38,974 --> 00:14:40,805
And now with Bud going out
every night...
187
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,403
...there's never anyone here
to take care of me.
188
00:14:43,654 --> 00:14:44,882
Oh, come on, Peg.
189
00:14:45,094 --> 00:14:47,608
Go on upstairs
and I'll bring you some juice.
190
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,608
This time for real?
191
00:14:51,854 --> 00:14:53,446
Just as soon as you're in bed.
192
00:14:58,974 --> 00:15:02,250
- Well, I'm trusting you.
- You won't be disappointed.
193
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,963
And if you are, I won't be here.
194
00:15:13,694 --> 00:15:16,413
Bud, listen, your mother says
she needs some juice...
195
00:15:16,614 --> 00:15:18,570
...or an aspirin
or something real bad.
196
00:15:18,774 --> 00:15:21,971
- Dad, I'm too tired.
- No pressure. Do it tomorrow.
197
00:15:25,734 --> 00:15:29,044
I'm going out again tomorrow.
In fact, I'm going out again tonight.
198
00:15:29,254 --> 00:15:30,892
- Dad, I need to talk to you.
- Son...
199
00:15:31,094 --> 00:15:33,892
...you know I got
the Goldstein affair tonight.
200
00:15:34,654 --> 00:15:36,372
It'll only take a minute.
201
00:15:36,614 --> 00:15:39,128
I've been seeing two women
at once. It's wearing me out.
202
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:41,052
I don't know how to juggle
two women.
203
00:15:41,254 --> 00:15:42,846
Did you ever have this problem?
204
00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:45,813
You're talking to old number 33.
205
00:15:46,374 --> 00:15:48,410
You know how I got that number?
206
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,890
Because the most money
you've ever had was 33 cents?
207
00:15:52,694 --> 00:15:56,369
No! Because that's how many
women deep the line was...
208
00:15:56,574 --> 00:15:59,327
...to ride the wild Bundy.
209
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:04,245
Back in those days,
everybody wanted a piece.
210
00:16:04,454 --> 00:16:06,285
I had anyone to choose from.
211
00:16:12,414 --> 00:16:15,645
But we don't always choose
what's best for us.
212
00:16:17,094 --> 00:16:18,891
And this two-women-juggling thing:
213
00:16:19,094 --> 00:16:22,052
Eventually, the problem is
they both fall down on you.
214
00:16:22,254 --> 00:16:24,848
So save yourself some pain
and pick one.
215
00:16:25,054 --> 00:16:28,251
- What if I pick the wrong one?
- Oh, you will.
216
00:16:29,014 --> 00:16:32,245
No matter who you pick,
it'll be the wrong one.
217
00:16:32,454 --> 00:16:36,049
And not just because you're a Bundy,
because you're a man.
218
00:16:36,254 --> 00:16:39,246
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta get to the party...
219
00:16:39,454 --> 00:16:41,968
...before fat Billy Applebaum
eats all my pizza.
220
00:16:44,374 --> 00:16:48,492
He comes to every one of those
damn parties. All us kids hate him.
221
00:16:49,294 --> 00:16:53,048
Dad, did I mention one of these women
was 40 and my teacher?
222
00:16:58,854 --> 00:17:00,970
No, you did not.
223
00:17:01,974 --> 00:17:03,248
I think she loves me, Dad.
224
00:17:03,454 --> 00:17:07,163
Son, I say this not to hurt,
but to educate.
225
00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:11,049
You see, son, I'm afraid
it may not be you she's after.
226
00:17:11,254 --> 00:17:15,372
I'm afraid she might be after
the vast Bundy fortune.
227
00:17:16,174 --> 00:17:18,290
She wants everything we have!
228
00:17:19,134 --> 00:17:22,604
Dad, I've seen the trunk of her car.
She's got everything we have.
229
00:17:23,654 --> 00:17:25,087
It's still not right.
230
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:29,367
Son, you got plenty of time to date
40-year-old women when you're 70.
231
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:33,203
No, wait, wait a minute.
Make that 35 when you're 80.
232
00:17:33,414 --> 00:17:36,133
Yeah, that feels more right to me.
233
00:17:36,374 --> 00:17:38,968
Yep, that's what I want when I'm old:
234
00:17:39,174 --> 00:17:43,326
A drool nurse with luscious honkers
wiping my chin...
235
00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:48,324
...shaking her heinie while she
washes my dentures in the sink.
236
00:17:50,254 --> 00:17:52,449
That's what keeps me going.
237
00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:55,851
That and the 12 pizzas
I've eaten in the last three days.
238
00:17:56,974 --> 00:18:00,762
Thanks, Dad. Once again,
you wow me with your wisdom.
239
00:18:00,974 --> 00:18:03,090
But I've decided
I'm keeping them both.
240
00:18:03,294 --> 00:18:05,489
For once, a Bundy's
gonna have it all.
241
00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:12,885
I guess he'll have to learn for himself
what a rock-solid relationship means.
242
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:16,126
Al, where's my orange juice?
243
00:18:16,374 --> 00:18:18,410
Florida, I reckon.
244
00:18:23,174 --> 00:18:27,645
Yup, two, two, two babes at once.
245
00:18:28,654 --> 00:18:30,929
God, I envy me.
246
00:18:31,174 --> 00:18:32,926
Hey, did you guys hear the news?
247
00:18:33,134 --> 00:18:35,694
Miss McGowen's dating a student.
248
00:18:36,214 --> 00:18:38,205
She ran off with a football player.
249
00:18:38,414 --> 00:18:42,771
Yeah, she said he was the only one
that could ever satisfy her.
250
00:18:43,134 --> 00:18:44,567
No big thing.
251
00:18:44,774 --> 00:18:48,323
That leaves me more time
to give to the young babe.
252
00:18:48,854 --> 00:18:52,608
Good news, babe.
Now you got me all to yourself.
253
00:18:52,854 --> 00:18:54,651
Drop dead.
254
00:18:54,854 --> 00:18:57,414
If you can't satisfy an older woman
like Miss McGowen...
255
00:18:57,614 --> 00:19:00,174
...what the hell
would I want with you?
256
00:19:02,014 --> 00:19:05,051
Well, let's just see how you feel
when the new teacher gets here.
257
00:19:05,254 --> 00:19:08,371
I haven't seen a temp yet
that didn't need a little loving.
258
00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:14,044
I'm Mrs. A. Mariner...
259
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,371
...and I'll be the new teacher
for the rest of the semester.
260
00:19:23,614 --> 00:19:27,402
And then again, there's always
Chuck E. Cheese with Dad.
261
00:19:28,014 --> 00:19:32,212
Well, the great thing about being at
the bottom is you can't fall any lower.
262
00:19:33,134 --> 00:19:35,602
You cradle-robber!
263
00:19:36,654 --> 00:19:40,010
You, you... Cher!
264
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,048
Maybe it can get worse.
265
00:19:45,614 --> 00:19:47,286
Hey, look, it can.
266
00:19:47,494 --> 00:19:50,372
I just lost control of my bladder.
267
00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:57,050
I know what you want, "Miss Gabor."
268
00:19:57,254 --> 00:19:58,846
You see that house and that Dodge...
269
00:19:59,054 --> 00:20:01,488
...and say, "Some people live like this,
why can't I?"
270
00:20:01,694 --> 00:20:05,892
Well, you can't just take my son,
have your way sexually with him...
271
00:20:06,094 --> 00:20:08,847
...and not expect some repercussions
from a concerned parent.
272
00:20:09,054 --> 00:20:12,171
I played high school football.
I know the score.
273
00:20:15,054 --> 00:20:18,330
Son, are you really going out
with this prune-face?
274
00:20:20,534 --> 00:20:23,128
What strange hold do you have
over the boy?
275
00:20:23,334 --> 00:20:27,646
How many happy homes have
you broken in your thousand years?
276
00:20:31,574 --> 00:20:34,008
Sure, I know my boy
is almost a virgin.
277
00:20:37,054 --> 00:20:40,490
But you can no longer take advantage.
I have called the proper authorities.
278
00:20:40,734 --> 00:20:44,283
There she is.
The strumpet with the blue hair.
279
00:20:44,894 --> 00:20:47,454
I'll tell you something else.
She lied about her age.
280
00:20:47,654 --> 00:20:50,487
Last time she saw 40 was 1840.
281
00:20:59,054 --> 00:21:02,763
I'm sorry I had to do that, son,
but damn it, I love you!
282
00:21:06,574 --> 00:21:08,724
Oh, Bud, Mommy's out of tampons.
283
00:21:16,454 --> 00:21:19,969
Oh, yeah, that's what was missing.
284
00:21:23,854 --> 00:21:26,607
Now, right off, I don't know that man.
285
00:21:27,774 --> 00:21:30,846
You guys are probably thinking,
because he called me son...
286
00:21:31,054 --> 00:21:33,284
...that he was my Dad.
287
00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:39,773
Wait a second. Maybe this is a dream.
Yeah, that's it.
288
00:21:39,974 --> 00:21:43,011
If this were really happening,
I'd have to drop out of college.
289
00:21:43,214 --> 00:21:45,682
I'll wak e up any second.
290
00:21:46,414 --> 00:21:48,245
Wak e up, Bud.
291
00:21:48,454 --> 00:21:51,173
Oh, I mean, can't you
hear me crying?
292
00:21:51,374 --> 00:21:53,330
Wak e me up.
293
00:21:53,534 --> 00:21:56,173
I know. I'll prove it's a dream.
294
00:21:56,374 --> 00:21:58,763
I'll tak e down my pants...
295
00:21:59,894 --> 00:22:03,364
...and it'll be so embarrassing,
I'll wak e up.
296
00:22:11,974 --> 00:22:15,091
I'm even dreaming
I ran out of underwear.
297
00:22:19,134 --> 00:22:21,125
Oh, and son...1
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,435
Oh, Al, please let me go with you.
2
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,110
Come on, Al, please?
Please? I really, really wanna go.
3
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:27,595
No! Now, let me explain this
one more time.
4
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,518
This is my vacation.
5
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,792
I work hard all year long alone.
6
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,514
I'm going on my vacation alone.
7
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,712
Be brave, Peg. Be back in a week.
8
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,754
- Goodbye, Al.
- Goodbye, Peg.
9
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,277
Good to get away.
10
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,356
Look at my itinerary.
11
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,989
"Bundy World Tour '92.
12
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,996
Day one: Arrive in New York."
13
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,476
Courtesy of Escape From New York.
14
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:19,075
Then it's on to the nation's capital
for Happy Hook er Goes to Washington.
15
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,153
- Day two.
- AI...
16
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,750
Peg, you're not allowed to "Al."
17
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,872
There will be no "Al-ing"
for my entire vacation.
18
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,399
I am not here.
19
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,438
Day two: I shall Concorde over
to merry old England...
20
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,950
...for British Babes Need Discipline.
21
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,398
- But, Al...
- Peg, sorry...
22
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,160
...the captain's turned on
the "No Peg" sign.
23
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,232
Dad, don't leave yet.
A terrible tragedy's befallen Kelly.
24
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,193
Sorry. As you can see,
my seat is now in an upright position.
25
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:58,039
I don't understand. Every time he goes
to the doctor, everything checks out.
26
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,276
Well, it's like when you bring
your car in.
27
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,517
It never knocks and pings
when the mechanic is looking at it.
28
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:04,994
The minute you get it home...
29
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,716
...it is the same old piece
of backfiring junk it always was.
30
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,675
- And what happened to Kelly?
- Her modelling school closed down.
31
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:18,078
It seems they moved upstairs and most
of the models can't find it anymore.
32
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,271
Poor Kelly. She must be crushed.
33
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,675
She spent so much time
learning the art...
34
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,314
...of rapidly undressing
and dressing again.
35
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,592
I don't think she learned that
at modelling school, Mom.
36
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,992
Now, Bud, it is not nice
to talk about your sister.
37
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,760
But she's not here,
so I guess it's all right.
38
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,152
- Where is she?
- Where she always goes...
39
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:45,952
...to contemplate during a crisis.
40
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,755
She's at TV World,
Chicago's finest theme park.
41
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,713
Yes, that's where she went
to contemplate the significance...
42
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:57,038
...of why Garfield can talk
while Odie speaketh not.
43
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,755
That was a rough six months.
44
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,953
She's probably wandering
around Kung Fu Land.
45
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,596
What if she tries to do
something rash, like think?
46
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,596
Am I truly nothing?
Is this all there is to life?
47
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,632
What's wrong, ducky?
You haven't touched a thing.
48
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,028
I don't blame you.
I'm not hungry either.
49
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,877
What should I do with my life?
I need a sign.
50
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,194
Oh, there's one.
51
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,916
Master, the modelling school's closed
and now I'm lost.
52
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,395
Which path should I follow?
53
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:50,113
Press button A
for Eastern philosophy.
54
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,594
Press B for last night's
bask etball scores.
55
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,233
Press C if you'd lik e
your own personalized videotape...
56
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,908
...of you pressing C.
57
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:08,153
You have pressed A,
heavy Eastern philosophy.
58
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,510
My child, remember...
59
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,473
...the wise man can eat no more
with four chopsticks...
60
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,432
...than he can with two.
61
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,791
- Unless he...
- Unless he what?
62
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,718
What, master, what?
63
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,514
Who keeps feeding this duck?
64
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,472
Unless he what?
Tell me before I kill you!
65
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,753
Excuse me. Are you from that
modelling school that closed down?
66
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,674
Yeah, how did you know?
67
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:41,112
Well, I saw the blonde hair and
the loaf of bread and took a wild guess.
68
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,557
Listen, I have some advice.
69
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,193
Oh, wait, here.
70
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:51,953
Thank you.
71
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:53,559
Get a job.
72
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,239
But how, master?
73
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,316
Look, you go to the Personnel office
and ask for an application.
74
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,398
Thank you. You're so much wiser
than the other statue.
75
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,388
That's why I've got a pointed stick
and this bag of doody.
76
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,513
- Dad still on vacation?
- Yes.
77
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,395
And not a postcard,
not a letter, nothing.
78
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,591
Okay.
79
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:40,672
Dad, this was really cute
when I was about 4.
80
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,230
But after 18 years
of your world cruises...
81
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,796
...I can't help but feel maybe it's time
to stand on a freeway off-ramp...
82
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,915
...with a sign that says, " Mindless.
Will embarrass my family for food."
83
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:57,268
Bud, come here a second.
Let me explain something to you.
84
00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:00,517
You see, you know that
I'm just sitting here on the couch...
85
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,950
...and I know I'm just sitting here
on the couch.
86
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,472
But you see, son, the rest of the weeks
out of the year, I'm selling shoes.
87
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,350
Ladies' shoes.
88
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,597
Fat ladies.
89
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:17,078
Very, very fat ladies.
90
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,116
And you know
what fat does best, son?
91
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,799
Fat sweats.
92
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:26,471
So after selling fat sweat all year,
one needs a little vacation.
93
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,558
So you see, son, if I didn't
think I was enjoying myself here...
94
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:33,548
...I might one day just run amuck and
destroy everyone and everything I see.
95
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,751
Do I make myself clear?
96
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,315
We'll discuss it
when you get back, Dad.
97
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,952
Hi, Mom. Hi, Bud. Is Daddy
back from vacation yet?
98
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,436
Look around, honey.
Does it look like he's here?
99
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,637
Honey, are you okay?
100
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,717
We heard the modelling school closed.
101
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,638
Several of the mothers have called.
102
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,276
Their daughters are eating Cocoa Puffs
and salt-pork products...
103
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,950
...their weight, much like
their dreams, behind them.
104
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,188
How are you bearing up?
105
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,313
Well, I too was feeling lonely and lost.
106
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,273
And I too almost buried
my troubles in pork rinds.
107
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:19,395
But thanks to the advice of two
wise statues, I decided to get a job.
108
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,318
A job?
109
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,634
Oh, my God, the shame.
110
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,348
What will I tell the girls
at the beauty parlour?
111
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,997
Well, tell them if their husbands ever
have time to kill down by the airport...
112
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,715
...they might wanna pop in and see
your little girl at the Nude-A-Teria.
113
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,275
Bud, why don't you go on
and stand over by Dad...
114
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,951
...so when he lands, you can be there
to yell, "Da plane, boss, da plane."
115
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:59,279
Anyway, you'll be proud to know
that I am now a paid employee...
116
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,277
...of TV World Theme Park.
117
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,990
Kel, I love TV World.
118
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,515
Babes from everywhere
flock to Talk Show Land...
119
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,790
...to see the binge-and-purge
Oprah statue...
120
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,116
...that grows and shrinks
on the half-hour.
121
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,198
You have to get me in for free.
122
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,996
Yeah, sure. I really wanna be
at my new job and hear screams of:
123
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,351
"There's a goose monster
loose in the park."
124
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,710
Is it my fault that every time
I'm at the zoo...
125
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,798
...10 girls happen
to back into my hand?
126
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,949
Anyway, Mom, I have
a really good feeling about this.
127
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,118
I mean, this could be more than a job.
It could be a career.
128
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,153
Finally, a chance to show
what I can do.
129
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,630
Thank you, come again.
Thank you, come again.
130
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,196
Thank you, come again. Thanks again.
Come you...
131
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,470
No. Thank... No. Come...
132
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,956
Oh, who cares? I hate this job.
133
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,390
This isn't even a real job.
What am l...?
134
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,431
"Thank you, come again.
Thank you..."
135
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,274
Thank you, come again.
136
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,114
Where's Dad now?
137
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:15,154
Well, according to his itinerary,
he's in Casablanca.
138
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,154
Here's looking at you, kid.
139
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,390
I know this must be trying
on you, Mom.
140
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,956
When Dad gets back, I suggest
you take the couch and go on a cruise.
141
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:36,598
That's okay, Bud. I choose to do
my fantasizing in other places.
142
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,990
But, you know, the one we should
be worried about right now is Kelly.
143
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,510
You know, ever since she's had
this job, she reminds me of someone.
144
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,757
I just can't put my finger on who.
145
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:55,114
Why doesn't the world explode
into a fiery, pus-filled death.
146
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,635
A fat woman comes to the gate today...
147
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:04,231
...her muumuu covering what
must've been three or four heinies.
148
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,591
Now, she could exit through a little,
itsy-bitsy turnstile or a huge gate.
149
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,394
Guess which one she chooses.
150
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,870
A line was forming.
So I had to do something.
151
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:21,358
So I got a tub of butter from the
"Delta Burke Let's Get Big" exhibit...
152
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,589
...and oiled her up.
153
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,197
Then I went over to Star Trek Land,
hot-wired the Enterprise...
154
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,473
...and sent it up where no man
has gone before.
155
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,918
She goes flying like a vegetable
out of Dad's mouth...
156
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,989
...right into The Facts of Life
Fan Club Pavilion.
157
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,589
Thank God it's always empty.
158
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,473
Can somebody give me
a reason to live?
159
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,758
Not a convincing one, no.
160
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,555
Listen, Kel. I know
what'll make you feel better.
161
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,751
You can get me into the park for free.
162
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,474
I do nothing for you, niblet.
163
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,078
I do nothing for anyone.
164
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:11,273
All I wanna do is just sit and relax.
165
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,550
Who is it she reminds me of?
166
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,751
Thank you, come again.
167
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,235
Thanks. Bye.
168
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,515
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye. Come again.
169
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,274
Kel. Kel. Get me in.
170
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,513
I'm sorry, but the Shemp job
in Three Stooges Land...
171
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,233
...has already been taken.
172
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,832
Vengeance shall be mine.
173
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,395
Then vengeance can't be a woman.
174
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,752
Now go away. Here comes my boss.
175
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,155
- How's it going, Miss Bundy?
- Fine, Mr. Nielsen.
176
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:03,319
Excuse me, sir. I just exited the park.
This young lady didn't say goodbye.
177
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:08,396
The heck you say.
I'm sorry, young viewer.
178
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:13,390
Just for that, we're gonna give you
a rerun. That's a free ticket back in.
179
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,673
And it'll be a deduction
from Miss Bundy's paycheque.
180
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,756
Well, that almost makes up
for her rudeness.
181
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,274
But I don't think she quite
looks sorry enough for me.
182
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,835
But I do think that me
and the rest of the public...
183
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,031
...would like to see her head shaved.
184
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,748
Well, the modelling school may
be closed, but its spirit must live on.
185
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:40,238
I will follow its motto:
Smile as if your brain had wisdom.
186
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,477
Smile and go on NutriSystem.
187
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,197
Smile, something, something, smile.
188
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,312
I will not let that wisdom
go to waste.
189
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,078
Hi, Kelly. What are you smiling at?
190
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:56,838
Nothing. Life sucks.
191
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,835
Well, I just love it here.
I try to come as often as I can.
192
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,635
I just can't get enough
of that Cagney & Lacey exhibit.
193
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,591
That show always made me
wanna cut my hair short...
194
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,758
...and shoot at men with my big gun.
195
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,308
But then again, so did Bewitched...
196
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,114
...and Gilligan's Island
and Green Acres and That Girl.
197
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,630
Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy, but if you
don't mind, I'm kind of working here.
198
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,910
It takes all my concentration, okay?
199
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,236
Goodbye. Goodbye.
200
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,358
Pretty cool, eh?
201
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,594
Nothing to be ashamed of. At least
you went out and got yourself a job.
202
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,519
Some people don't even do that.
203
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,199
Here comes one now.
204
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,198
What was it like working
on Happy Days?
205
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,958
I'm telling you, kid,
I was not on Happy Days, okay?
206
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,799
My name is D'Arcy. Jefferson D'Arcy.
207
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,753
- Was that your name on Love Boat?
- Oh, beat it!
208
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,633
Come on. Get out of here.
209
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,994
Damn kids. I can hardly
go out in public anymore.
210
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,191
Well, here she is.
211
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,756
Gee, Kelly, it must be nice
to feel like a responsible adult...
212
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,713
...to finally have a job.
Hey, Marcie, can I have some money?
213
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,593
They have a really nice
TV World T-shirt.
214
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,078
I thought you said the hat
and nothing else.
215
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,238
Well, you got two things.
216
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,869
- Well, I'm paying.
- Well, if that's your attitude...
217
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,913
...I wanna go home right now.
- Why should you go and ruin...?
218
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,317
Wait a minute, Marcie.
If you guys are gonna whine like that...
219
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,308
...why don't you take it on over
to Thirtysomething Land, okay?
220
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,628
Welcome. How are you
enjoying the park?
221
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,199
This young lady just snapped at us.
222
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,234
Well, here's two free passes.
It comes out of her salary.
223
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:49,592
- Could I have a T-shirt too?
- Sure. Miss Bundy's paying.
224
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,909
Let's come back later
and pick another fight with her.
225
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,669
- I could really use some shorts.
- Well, why can't I have the shorts?
226
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,677
I mean, I have the legs in the family.
227
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,193
Can they walk home from here?
228
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,876
Honey, look, let's not argue
here in Chicago's happiest park.
229
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,956
You're right. Of course.
230
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:18,950
I know. Let's go to Steven Bochco's
Hall of Failures.
231
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,557
Listen, I hear they're just finishing
the Capitol Critters exhibit.
232
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,469
- Oh, I wanna see Cop Rock.
- I wanna see Hooperman.
233
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,711
Two viewer complaints.
"Tsk, tsk," as we say here in TV Land.
234
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,071
Save your "tsk"
for some other idiot, Nielsen.
235
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:41,149
I'm qualified for much more
than just standing by an... Ex...
236
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,476
Excite sign.
237
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,150
I can say much more than just
"goodbye." I can say "hello."
238
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,909
I can say "pretty bird." Why, I can say
about four or five different things...
239
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:54,999
...if given the proper chance.
I want a better job.
240
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,795
So I say to you
what many have said to me before:
241
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,551
Put out or get out.
What do you have to say about that?
242
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:08,436
Normally, two viewer complaints
would call for your cancellation...
243
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:13,077
...but come to think of it, we do have
an opening for a vacuous blond.
244
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,993
I'm your man.
245
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,076
Can you feel the excitement, boys
and girls? Here we are at the last stop.
246
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,078
Yes, Commercial Land.
247
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,350
See the disgusting, filthy roaches...
248
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,836
...about to devour that pie
Mom made with love?
249
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:37,918
I said, see the disgusting, filthy,
yet easily replaced roaches?
250
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,708
Roaches. Roaches.
251
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,710
But hark, who do I hear?
252
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,391
A reasonable facsimile of one of the
stars of your favourite TV commercial.
253
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,398
Yes, kids, the Verminator!
254
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:07,757
Breathe hot toxic, but safe
for the ozone. Vermin death.
255
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,556
Hasta la vista, buggies.
256
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,037
Hey, would one of you kids
like to ask the Verminator a question?
257
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,832
I would.
258
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,310
Excuse me, Verminator.
259
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,796
Could you tell the kids which backseat
you'll be appearing in tonight...
260
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,798
...should they wanna further
their education?
261
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:40,829
Bud, please don't do this to me.
My wrath will be terrible.
262
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,032
Does anyone else have a question
for the Verminator?
263
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,633
I see you wear a cape
but no underwear.
264
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,191
Is that so you can more easily change
into your secret identity...
265
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,915
...of a mild-mannered sex toy
for the Navy?
266
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,078
Who would like to be
deputy Verminators?
267
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,759
Me! Me!
268
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:20,438
Well, I see one last roach
that I just can't quite reach.
269
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:25,111
He's disguised as a dateless,
bitter little troll.
270
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,634
- That's him.
- Yes, that's right.
271
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,478
Send him to Valhalla!
272
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,516
That's right, kids.
Destroy his evil tentacles.
273
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,271
Tentacles, kids, I said tentacles.
274
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,400
- So how was work, honey?
- Oh, it was great.
275
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,636
You have no idea
of the power of television.
276
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,910
I could get those kids
to do anything.
277
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,429
First, I had them beat up Bud.
278
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,029
Then I had them bring me a burger.
279
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,470
Then I had them beat up Bud again.
280
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,755
The best part is that TV World asked
Bud to come back as King Roach.
281
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,351
Well, here's Bud. My little man.
282
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,438
He looks just cute as a bug.
283
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,709
Isn't it grand? I get to command
his death every day.
284
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,797
Oh, and twice on Saturday.
285
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:37,835
I have finally found my calling,
to have my brother beaten.
286
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,838
It's just for the summer.
287
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,952
That's what your father said
20 years ago.
288
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,710
Hey, Bud, you know,
if you had one more arm...
289
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,673
...you would have a date
for every night of the week.
290
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,271
That's it. Come on,
put them up. Let's go!
291
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:04,078
- Come and get it, roach boy.
- Oh, now, kids, please.
292
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:07,033
Don't you think your father
gives me a big enough headache?
293
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,719
What are you saying, Mom?
That I should just accept this?
294
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,229
That I should just let it ride?
295
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:19,116
I am a college man
and I demand the respect I deserve.
296
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:31,471
Well, look, we cannot discuss this now.
We've gotta go pick up your father.
297
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,953
Family, I'm home.
298
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,354
- Daddy.
- Hi, Al.
299
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,074
- We missed you.
- Hi.
300
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,278
You know, it was great. But I haven't
showered in about a week...
301
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,516
...so I think I ought to
get right to bed.
302
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,833
But before I do,
I wanna tell you something.
303
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,315
Let's sit down. Come here a second.
304
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,829
I miss my couch.
305
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,277
That's it. Come on over here.
306
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,593
Now, guys, I had it all.
307
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:19,191
Romance, intrigue, adventure,
but I learned one thing.
308
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,755
And it's the same the world over.
309
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:26,909
There's nothing like being home
with a nice normal family.1
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,399
We're in trouble.
2
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,194
Daddy's watching Shenandoah.
3
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:29,153
No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart
beats all odds to preserve his family?
4
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:33,672
When they crank up the theme song,
Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.
5
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,589
Oh, we're doomed.
6
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,475
He's gonna wanna spend time
with us now.
7
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,678
Come on, kids.
8
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,754
God, that movie makes you think.
9
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,518
Family meeting.
10
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,239
Family, there comes a time
in the life of every man...
11
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,431
Can we just skip
through the speech, Al...
12
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:18,270
...and get to the punishment that you
will inflict on us for being your family?
13
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:22,632
What is it this time, honey?
You gonna get out the horseshoe set?
14
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,718
Boys-against-the-girls bocce?
15
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,479
Oh, no, Al...
16
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,717
...not the boo-hoo with you-know-who
at the zoo.
17
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,397
No, Peg, because we're no longer
allowed in the zoo...
18
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,680
...thanks to young Mr. Bundy,
who answered the question:
19
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,474
What happens when you feed
a panda Pop Rocks?
20
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,358
At least I have
a little intellectual curiosity.
21
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,871
I wasn't pointing
at the leopard yelling:
22
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,640
"How many animals died
for that coat?"
23
00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,752
Well, at least I didn't pull my pants
down and moon the monkeys.
24
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,428
Well, at least I didn't turn her in.
25
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,553
Well, at least I didn't ask
the girl chimp to my prom.
26
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,399
- Hey, now that was a hot chimp!
- That's sick. That's sick!
27
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,073
Now, kids, hold it. Hey.
28
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,716
Now, I think we're missing
the point of Shenandoah.
29
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,717
Families are meant to be together.
30
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,798
- Well, we don't wanna be together.
- You have no choice.
31
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:31,949
I dedicate today
as Bundy Sunday Fun Day.
32
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,638
And so it ends.
33
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,711
Now, here's the plan.
34
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,514
We're going to take a Sunday drive.
35
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,437
In the Dodge?
36
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,477
Just for that, you ride in the back seat
with your mother.
37
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,558
Now, anyone else have
any problems with the Dodge?
38
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:58,274
And I'm not going to tell you now,
but I have a special surprise in mind.
39
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,796
You got a bumper sticker that says
"My Other Car Is My Feet"?
40
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,189
You used your finger to make
a cool racing stripe...
41
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,119
...in the dirt on the side of the car?
42
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:13,313
You got a new eight-track
of "Hotel California"?
43
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,116
We can crank it as we're towed
down the freeway?
44
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,393
Don't make me kill you
on Family Day.
45
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,359
- I say we all put on our finest clothes...
- We're in them.
46
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,790
...pack ourselves some vittles...
- We have none.
47
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,594
...and pile in the car
for a day of fun...
48
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,713
...a day of family, a day of love.
49
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,797
Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall
Sixty-four bottles of beer
50
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,115
If one of them bottles...
51
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,117
You stink, Al.
52
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,393
- Why isn't Kelly pushing?
- Drop dead, you little doody.
53
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,558
Shut up, the lot of you.
54
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,159
Now, this is Bundy Sunday Fun Day.
I'll not have you ruin it for me.
55
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,755
Pumpkin, put the car in park, honey.
56
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,032
Oh, I already did that
before you started pushing.
57
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,118
Al, stop it.
58
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,799
All right, all right.
59
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,509
I'm fine.
60
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,468
- AI!
- I wanna kill you for this!
61
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,119
Come on, Al.
62
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:14,598
Look, when this car ran out of gas, you
promised that if we helped you push...
63
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,792
...you'd let us in on this big surprise
that you have for us.
64
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,468
So, what is it, Al? Tell us.
65
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,750
Are you dying?
66
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,758
No.
67
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,990
But if you were the least bit observant,
you'd see what the surprise is.
68
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:35,999
Oh, my God.
69
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,555
I see it. I see it.
70
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,910
Oh, Al, can this be true?
71
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,957
Tis.
72
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,317
After years of living like paupers...
73
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,193
...the Bundys are gonna do what
the Rockefellers are doing:
74
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,473
We're gonna get our gas today
from the full-serve pump.
75
00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,388
You see?
76
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:04,549
Oh, Al. I feel like a princess.
77
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,798
Who's the king of surprises?
78
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,753
- Daddy!
- You betcha.
79
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,952
Who wants to be the one to honk
the horn to summon the attendant?
80
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,720
- I do. I wanna do it.
- I do. Come on, Dad, I wanna do it.
81
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,595
All right, now, now,
how does a father choose?
82
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,756
Let the boy do it.
83
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,948
Al, isn't that a little obnoxious?
84
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,590
Peg, we're paying 25 cents extra
for a gallon. He'll take it and like it.
85
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,876
Come on, you rummy. Fully serve us.
86
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:43,517
- What can I do for you, folks?
- We'll have $2 worth of regular.
87
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,710
Will there be anything else, sir?
88
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,879
Yes, there will be.
Check under the hood.
89
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,674
Peg, look at that.
90
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,151
It's the first time I told somebody
to do something and he's doing it.
91
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,951
Yes, honey. It's also
the first time you've had $2.
92
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:19,558
You're down 4 quarts of oil.
Want me to put it in?
93
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,270
Hey, how many paychecks
do you think I get in a week, buddy?
94
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,878
No, no, just check something else.
95
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,514
Well, your engine block is cracked...
96
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,359
...and you got a pair of nylons
for a fan belt.
97
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,513
Those are my good black ones.
98
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,116
Hey, what do you wanna do, you wanna
look good walking or look good riding?
99
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,318
Hey, Dad, can I order
the geek around too?
100
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,070
Hey, marry your own.
101
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,075
No, I was talking about
the gas jockey, Dad.
102
00:07:55,280 --> 00:08:01,150
Bud, I said it was Bundy Family Day,
didn't I? Of course you can.
103
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,235
Okay, goober.
104
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,354
Check the tires,
there might be a nickel in it for you.
105
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,711
Son, son, son. I don't have a nickel.
106
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,430
Yeah, you're pretty low, sir.
You want some air?
107
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,433
Oh, no, thanks. We'll just breathe
the stuff that's around.
108
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:27,071
Oh, Al, you've made this
such a great day for us all.
109
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,157
Yeah, Daddy. Thank you.
110
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:33,273
Hey, Mom, look, look. There's a lady
putting gas in her own car.
111
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,475
She can't hear us laughing from here.
Let's go there.
112
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,432
Okay.
113
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,918
Go ahead, lady. Save 25 cents.
114
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,754
You know, Joe,
what really makes me mad?
115
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,356
- What, having a car this colour?
- No. No.
116
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,670
It's all those damn
Japanese imports.
117
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,634
After seeing a bunch of those clunkers,
you don't mind putting elbow grease...
118
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,638
...on one of these
fine American products, huh?
119
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:06,152
That's why I always got me a bunch
of fine American bumper stickers...
120
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,237
...to show where
I'm coming from. Yep.
121
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,954
It takes a good
American bumper sticker...
122
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,151
...to hold in a headlight, eh, Joe?
123
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,595
Yeah, they sure build them,
don't they?
124
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:20,191
This roof must be strong to hold up
under the weight of all that bird doody.
125
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,959
If there's no free services left,
I guess I'll be on my way.
126
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,710
- What's the damage?
- Two dollars.
127
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,558
Alrighty.
128
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,479
Here's 1.
129
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,359
And...
130
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:41,113
...there's 1.10, 1.20, 1.21...
131
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,153
...two dollars.
132
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,991
Gee, Joe, I don't see that smile they
advertise that comes with full service.
133
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:54,552
Al, the guy inside wants $12
for all this stuff.
134
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,836
I don't have $12.
135
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:22,560
Gee, kids, look how handsome
Daddy Habib looks in his uniform.
136
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,435
You continue to make us proud,
honey.
137
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,318
Why'd you do it, Peg?
138
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,750
Why'd you eat me into debt?
139
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,036
Well, it's your own fault, Al.
140
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,755
You take us into full-serve,
tell us to think like Rockefellers...
141
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,794
...of course we're gonna go for
the Ho Hos and the Slim Jims.
142
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,197
Don't worry, Daddy. We're gonna
go home now and raise the money...
143
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,472
...to get you out
of this financial fox paws.
144
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,909
Right. We'll have you home cursing
the day you were born in no time.
145
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,388
Yes, please hurry.
146
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:58,070
For as Jimmy Stewart said
in that great classic, Shenandoah...
147
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,037
Wow, they must really love you
as fast as they headed off.
148
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,755
If they really loved me, they'd be
heading in the direction of my house.
149
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,956
Well, Bundy, we're coming up
on our really busy time of day, so l...
150
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:16,270
Hey, Joe, I stole my father's car.
Wanna go to the beach?
151
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,835
So I'm going to the beach.
152
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,759
Well, I don't feel ashamed.
153
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,714
I mean, I am a shoe salesman
and I did have my family out in public.
154
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,150
Thank God this station's
not in my neighbourhood.
155
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,033
I mean, the chances of me
seeing anyone I know are about...
156
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,197
Hi, Al.
157
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,590
They're about certain.
158
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,558
See, I told you it was him.
159
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,514
I could see where you would think
it was an orangutan...
160
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:55,348
...but I knew I recognized that bald spot
when I spotted it from the freeway.
161
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,116
You know, Jefferson, good for you.
162
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,154
You decided to take
the Miller boy camping, huh?
163
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,756
Where's the woman? Out shopping
for some more of those lacy T-shirts...
164
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,428
...that so drive the men crazy?
165
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:15,676
I'll have you know, Al,
that I happen to like tiny bazooms.
166
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,593
Oh, I had plenty of women
before Marcie...
167
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,351
...and I swear, you get tired
of big, succulent breasts.
168
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:30,152
Besides, I don't want a bunch of guys
staring at my wife.
169
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,756
I mean, that's the good thing
about Marcie. No guy ever...
170
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,353
That's quite enough, honey bunch.
171
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,194
Well, Al...
172
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:52,075
...here's something I bet you haven't
heard from a woman in a long time:
173
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,759
Fill her up.
174
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:03,559
Or do I have to confirm the rumours
and tell you where to put the nozzle?
175
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:09,028
Well, Marcie, no need to... at me.
176
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,110
We'll fill you up and you can be
on the highway...
177
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,675
...blinding truckers
in about a minute.
178
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,472
There you go.
179
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,873
- That'll be 12 bucks.
- He didn't put any gas in, dear.
180
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,156
Then I'm gonna have to tell
your superior.
181
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,510
Jefferson, find me anyone.
182
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,072
Guess you people are wondering...
183
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,238
...what a man of my position is doing
working in a gas station?
184
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,675
I do it to remind me
of where I've come from.
185
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,388
Couldn't pay for your own gas,
could you?
186
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,037
No. Give me 12 bucks.
187
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:56,751
Oh, Al, if all it will take is $12
for you to regain your self-respect...
188
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,679
...and get out
of this demeaning position...
189
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,189
...then ask someone who cares.
190
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,035
See you later, Al. Sorry.
191
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,354
Oh, Mother Macree!
192
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,599
Well, hello there, Habib.
193
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,634
Well, family, what is the proper way
to say hello to a friend...
194
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,956
...from the other hemisphere?
195
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:30,199
May the prophet
smile upon you, Habib.
196
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:35,953
He already has with this fine job
and the blood that flows in my shoe.
197
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,878
How may this unworthy one
serve you?
198
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,192
Check under the hood.
And I say that not to demean you...
199
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,470
...but to ensure the safety
of my family.
200
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,831
- Oh, I love you, Jim.
- I love you, Betty.
201
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,634
- I love you all.
- Oh, thank you, Jim Jr.
202
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,957
- I love you, father.
- Oh, thank you, Betty Jr.
203
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,994
Now, family,
I have a big surprise for you.
204
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,515
That you've pulled in to full-serve?
205
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,793
No, son. What kind of a dad
would just do that?
206
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,269
No. We're going on a picnic.
207
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,756
Well, what better way to celebrate
another Lundy Sunday Fun Day?
208
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,918
- Oh, thanks!
- Great!
209
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,478
- I love you, Jim.
- I love you too, Betty.
210
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,393
Yeah. And the kids love you too.
211
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,999
Now, that'll be 5 bucks.
212
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,755
Well, there you go.
213
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,350
- Should we give the man a tip, Jim?
- Nope.
214
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,870
I told you we should have
taken my car.
215
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,833
Your car? Since when did you
ever pay for anything?
216
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,476
- Leave Mom alone.
- Drop dead, the lot of you.
217
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,637
Take my advice, buddy.
218
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,832
You probably got a lot of women
pressuring you into marrying them.
219
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,268
But don't do it.
220
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,755
Marriage leads to everything bad
in life:
221
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,589
Work, kids, Habib shirts.
222
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,876
You understand what I mean?
223
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,391
Tell your friends.
224
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,599
What, is my foot invisible?
225
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:44,078
How can you miss it? It's swollen
to three times its normal size.
226
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,517
Al, don't even say a word.
I've had a terrible day.
227
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:52,753
Peg, you've been gone seven hours.
Don't tell me you couldn't raise $12.
228
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:58,280
Al, you have a job and you can't raise
$12 in seven hours.
229
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,597
Do you wanna hear
about my day or what?
230
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,195
I'm sorry. Do go on.
231
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,671
Well, we went back to the house
to look for the money...
232
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,440
...but Mom called.
She was a little down.
233
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,633
She got on a scale today
and it said she weighed 380.
234
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:19,073
She's been 374 since high school,
and she's afraid...
235
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,919
She's afraid she's getting fat.
236
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:27,235
Don't worry, Peg, she probably had
6 pounds of food stuck in her teeth.
237
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,635
When I think of how
that woman loves you.
238
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:35,078
- Thank God she can't hear you.
- Thank God she can't eat me.
239
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,077
Can we get to the money part
of the story?
240
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,077
God, you're so impatient.
241
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,676
Anyway, I found $20 in the pocket
of one of your old shirts.
242
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,275
The shirt that I wanted to wear
but you couldn't find?
243
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,511
Yeah. Maybe I learned a lesson.
244
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,990
I should probably look
when I said I did.
245
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,515
On the way over here,
your car ran out of gas.
246
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,513
- Too bad. Give me the money.
- We don't have any money.
247
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:02,038
- Well, you said you had $20.
- Well, we did, before the taxi.
248
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,794
What taxi?
249
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,759
Well, the taxi we called
when your car ran out of gas.
250
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,673
It's two blocks away. He's there
with the meter running...
251
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,036
...so stop dilly-dallying
and fill this can up.
252
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,838
Why should I,
what's wrong with you?
253
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,355
We walked in to full-serve.
254
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,957
Now where's that full-serve smile?
255
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,632
Daddy, is Bundy Sunday Fun Day
officially over?
256
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,711
Yes, pumpkin. I'm afraid that it is.
257
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,191
But don't worry. See, next week
we're gonna drive up to the woods...
258
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,556
...and we're going hunting.
259
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,314
See, I'll be the only one
carrying the rifle...
260
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,109
...and you kids can run out there
and flush out the game.
261
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,230
We'll call it Bundy Sunday Gun Day.
262
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,751
- Oh, boy.
- Indeed.
263
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,793
That'll be 2 bucks, Peg.
264
00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:01,192
Get it from my husband.
He's a wealthy shoe salesman.
265
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,273
Not you.
266
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,798
Now, they're women,
I expect that from them. But you...
267
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,396
...I expected a little more loyalty
from you.
268
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,631
I tried to talk some sense
into the women.
269
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,713
- I tried to make them hurry.
- Well, what happened?
270
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,235
The sandman got me, Dad.
271
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,072
You know I get all sleepy
when I take a ride in the car.
272
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,629
I napped all the way to the beach.
273
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,679
The house.
274
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,678
Life is rough for you, isn't it, son?
275
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,559
Don't worry, Dad. Bud Bundy
always lands on his feet.
276
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,190
Yeah. We'll find out about that
when I get home.
277
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,990
But I just wanna tell you
one thing, son.
278
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,232
All I wanted to do
was spend one day with my family.
279
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,118
Am I to be punished for this?
280
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,952
Yes.
281
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,795
Because it's a stupid, moronic thing
to waste your Sunday with your family.
282
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,359
Well, I paid for it.
283
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,114
But now it's time for someone else
to pay for it.
284
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,431
Habib is dead.
285
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,989
Long live Habib.
286
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:11,156
The only way to save this,
this final Bundy Sunday Fun Day...
287
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,949
...is to watch my only son
suffer as I have suffered.
288
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,634
The next car in here is yours.
289
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,869
- Hi.
- We're the Swedish bikini team.
290
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,590
We just love guys named Habib.
291
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:41,994
Sit in back and enjoy us
as we ride down a bumpy road.
292
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,156
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Dad.
293
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,629
Hi.
294
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,792
We're the Chicago bowling team.
295
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,878
We're looking for guys named Al.
296
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,271
We love guys named Al.
297
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,638
Let's boogie.1
00:01:44,194 --> 00:01:47,823
Shamus McBundy,
are you done with me horse?
2
00:01:48,034 --> 00:01:49,308
No, ma'am.
3
00:01:49,514 --> 00:01:53,143
I had to send out for extra
parts to reinforce its feet.
4
00:01:54,754 --> 00:01:59,464
That and a sign to go around
his neck saying, "I'm with fatso."
5
00:02:00,794 --> 00:02:05,504
You save your tongue for picking
the flies off the pools...
6
00:02:05,714 --> 00:02:08,182
...that dance beneath your arms.
7
00:02:08,994 --> 00:02:11,189
Go to. I'm in a hurry.
8
00:02:12,274 --> 00:02:16,267
Is it the festival of pork pies
and pig swallow you're late for?
9
00:02:16,474 --> 00:02:19,784
While you're waiting I've got a plum
pony out back you can snack on.
10
00:02:20,914 --> 00:02:22,313
You been warned.
11
00:02:22,514 --> 00:02:25,108
I am a great and powerful witch.
12
00:02:25,314 --> 00:02:28,431
Not as powerful as yon mighty seams
in yon dress...
13
00:02:28,634 --> 00:02:32,263
...to keep yon belly off yon floor.
14
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:35,462
That's it.
15
00:02:36,074 --> 00:02:39,749
I curse thee, Shamus McBundy...
16
00:02:39,954 --> 00:02:43,629
...and all thy male descendants.
17
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:49,750
Henceforth ye shall only shoe
the large and ungrateful.
18
00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:52,230
Yikes! Saveth me!
19
00:02:53,994 --> 00:02:56,827
And so that ye
and all your male descendants...
20
00:02:57,034 --> 00:03:00,344
...will be hated in this place forever...
21
00:03:00,554 --> 00:03:05,264
...Lower Uncton
shall always be in darkness...
22
00:03:05,474 --> 00:03:09,023
...though other towns nearby
stand in sun.
23
00:03:09,234 --> 00:03:13,944
Well, will you be floating above us
blocking the sun?
24
00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:20,552
Just for that, throughout eternity
your feet will sweat.
25
00:03:20,754 --> 00:03:24,269
Aye, and verily smell.
26
00:03:33,034 --> 00:03:35,787
How could yon
blubber belly curse me?
27
00:03:36,514 --> 00:03:39,187
I hurled the unspooning stone
in the big game.
28
00:03:39,394 --> 00:03:43,148
Had I not married,
I wouldst have turned pro.
29
00:03:45,114 --> 00:03:47,423
And so it begins.
30
00:03:52,914 --> 00:03:55,474
Early to be this dark.
31
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,311
This can't be my life.
32
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:10,106
What am I, cursed?
33
00:04:20,474 --> 00:04:23,591
All right, now.
Ladies and gentlemen...
34
00:04:23,794 --> 00:04:26,592
...we are assembled
for our noon meeting.
35
00:04:26,794 --> 00:04:28,273
Mayor Fivshaw presiding.
36
00:04:29,314 --> 00:04:35,708
As we all know, Lower Uncton has
been in darkness for four centuries...
37
00:04:35,914 --> 00:04:40,066
...and will be so as long
as a male Bundy lives.
38
00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:45,031
I will now call upon
our village historian...
39
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:48,590
...Mr. Winston McPhee,
to take over the meeting.
40
00:04:48,794 --> 00:04:50,512
Winston?
41
00:04:53,114 --> 00:04:55,548
Right. Now, I don't have to tell you...
42
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:59,030
...it's been a bloody good year
for killing Bundys.
43
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:03,224
We've tracked them wherever Bundys
have spread over the centuries.
44
00:05:03,434 --> 00:05:06,631
In fact, they were easy to find
because no matter what the country...
45
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:12,511
...all we had to was go to the local
shoe store, and there they were.
46
00:05:13,474 --> 00:05:15,942
Now, as you know,
the curse will only be broken...
47
00:05:16,154 --> 00:05:20,466
...if all Bundys are killed
within our town limits.
48
00:05:20,674 --> 00:05:25,145
And whilst this monumental task
has indeed almost broken us...
49
00:05:25,354 --> 00:05:27,549
...I am nevertheless
very happy to announce...
50
00:05:27,754 --> 00:05:32,032
...that there remains only this Bundy...
51
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:38,789
...and his son,
as the last male Bundys on Earth.
52
00:05:41,354 --> 00:05:44,505
So the curse will be lifted
if we can bring them here...
53
00:05:44,714 --> 00:05:48,707
...and force upon them
an agonizing death.
54
00:05:51,874 --> 00:05:55,992
Now just one question remains:
55
00:05:56,714 --> 00:06:00,184
How do we get them here?
56
00:06:01,314 --> 00:06:05,592
Look, we've just won
a trip to England!
57
00:06:05,794 --> 00:06:07,466
- England?
- Unbelievable.
58
00:06:07,674 --> 00:06:10,427
I know. What's England?
59
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:14,153
It's a country, Kel.
60
00:06:14,354 --> 00:06:17,073
You know, birthplace of Shakespeare?
61
00:06:17,394 --> 00:06:18,873
Churchill?
62
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,666
Benny Hill?
63
00:06:20,874 --> 00:06:23,547
Oh, yeah. The English guy.
64
00:06:23,954 --> 00:06:26,912
Oh, I love it when he runs fast.
You know, when they go:
65
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,106
Listen.
66
00:06:30,914 --> 00:06:32,142
Listen!
67
00:06:32,914 --> 00:06:37,226
"You have won an all expense
paid trip to London.
68
00:06:37,434 --> 00:06:42,508
Then be driven to a charming
shaded village and stay in a castle."
69
00:06:42,714 --> 00:06:44,750
Where I'll be the guest of honour...
70
00:06:44,954 --> 00:06:48,583
...at a quaint Elizabethan
"expiration ceremony."
71
00:06:48,794 --> 00:06:51,467
- What's that?
- Who cares? It's free.
72
00:06:52,714 --> 00:06:54,272
How did we get so lucky?
73
00:06:54,474 --> 00:06:56,032
Well, it says here...
74
00:06:56,234 --> 00:06:59,988
...that they put all the names
of everyone in the world in a hat...
75
00:07:00,194 --> 00:07:01,707
...and drew ours.
76
00:07:03,114 --> 00:07:06,345
I can't believe this.
It's all expense paid.
77
00:07:06,554 --> 00:07:09,910
I haven't been this happy
since I lived with my parents.
78
00:07:11,634 --> 00:07:15,104
Oh, man. I'm gonna get me
an armful of British babes.
79
00:07:15,314 --> 00:07:16,906
I'll be irresistible.
80
00:07:17,114 --> 00:07:19,787
Because after years of drinking
their warm domestic ale...
81
00:07:19,994 --> 00:07:22,906
...they'll learn that
"Nothing Beats a Bud."
82
00:07:28,874 --> 00:07:31,388
Just remember that
the inflatable women over there...
83
00:07:31,594 --> 00:07:33,312
...blow up on the left side.
84
00:07:33,794 --> 00:07:35,432
- No! No!
- Kids, now, hey!
85
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:37,590
You got a lot of time to fight.
86
00:07:37,794 --> 00:07:39,193
This is a momentous occasion...
87
00:07:39,394 --> 00:07:41,862
...and I think we should have
a hearty "Whoa, England."
88
00:07:42,074 --> 00:07:44,713
Whoa, England!
89
00:07:46,194 --> 00:07:47,468
Hi.
90
00:07:47,674 --> 00:07:50,472
We're going away for a while
and wanted you to know where...
91
00:07:50,674 --> 00:07:52,505
...since you'd worry and wonder.
92
00:07:56,594 --> 00:08:01,907
Yep, I'm taking Marcie on an expensive
trip to Epcot Center, in Florida.
93
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,150
Gee, Epcot Center in Florida.
94
00:08:04,354 --> 00:08:07,710
Well, that kind of makes
our little trip pale in comparison.
95
00:08:07,914 --> 00:08:10,189
We're going to England.
96
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:17,827
- Can I get a "Whoa, England"?
- Whoa, England!
97
00:08:18,034 --> 00:08:20,184
Honey, they're "whoa-ing" England.
98
00:08:20,394 --> 00:08:23,511
And you're taking me
to the state of swamps?
99
00:08:24,154 --> 00:08:26,065
I wanna "Whoa, England" too.
100
00:08:26,274 --> 00:08:30,187
You can "whoa" anywhere in
the world, but we're going to Florida.
101
00:08:30,914 --> 00:08:33,064
We were just kidding
about going to Florida.
102
00:08:33,274 --> 00:08:35,549
Jefferson's taking me to England too.
103
00:08:35,754 --> 00:08:37,710
How am I doing that, dear?
104
00:08:37,914 --> 00:08:39,984
I'm selling your car.
105
00:08:41,034 --> 00:08:44,470
Hey, that car was a gift
for sexual favours.
106
00:08:45,714 --> 00:08:49,389
I worked my ass off for that car!
107
00:08:53,594 --> 00:08:57,030
We're going to England!
108
00:08:58,794 --> 00:09:01,911
Oh, boy. We're going to England.
109
00:09:15,914 --> 00:09:19,748
If you dogs mess your cages,
I'm not cleaning it up. Ever!
110
00:09:20,514 --> 00:09:23,426
Hey, I could be a good friend to you.
111
00:09:23,634 --> 00:09:28,185
Tonight, in the flea bath,
a real good friend.
112
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:32,507
Yep, I'm one lucky dog.
113
00:09:33,994 --> 00:09:35,950
This is your captain speaking.
114
00:09:36,154 --> 00:09:40,750
Will the gentleman in 24B
please put his shoes back on?
115
00:09:40,954 --> 00:09:43,024
I'm choking to death.
116
00:09:43,754 --> 00:09:45,585
- AI.
- Oh, please.
117
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:48,911
They show us the movie Dutch
and they think I stink?
118
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:06,472
Take a look around, son.
119
00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,630
You won't see this back home.
120
00:10:09,114 --> 00:10:11,230
Dad, it's an airport.
121
00:10:11,434 --> 00:10:14,790
Yeah, but this time we're not dressed
like Hare Krishnas...
122
00:10:14,994 --> 00:10:16,905
...begging for spare change.
123
00:10:17,114 --> 00:10:19,309
Welcome to London.
124
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:21,982
What's that, honey?
125
00:10:22,194 --> 00:10:24,708
Oh, it's my English-to-English
translation book.
126
00:10:24,914 --> 00:10:27,587
"Welcome to London.
Welcome To London..."
127
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:31,833
Ten hours on a plane with that man
and those feet.
128
00:10:32,034 --> 00:10:34,548
I can't wait to change.
129
00:10:34,754 --> 00:10:38,030
My clothes smell like corroded toes.
130
00:10:38,234 --> 00:10:39,986
Well, don't blame me.
131
00:10:40,194 --> 00:10:44,267
For 10,000 bucks less we could be
sniffing the sweet feet of Mike Fink...
132
00:10:44,474 --> 00:10:46,942
...on his keelboat ride.
133
00:10:47,154 --> 00:10:48,906
Hey, there's a word I recognize.
134
00:10:51,554 --> 00:10:53,670
That's our name, honey.
135
00:10:55,794 --> 00:11:00,424
Hello, hello. Lovely to see you.
Right. Now, I'm Winston.
136
00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:01,862
I'm your driver, right?
137
00:11:02,074 --> 00:11:04,190
- And this is my assistant driver, lgor.
- Igor?
138
00:11:04,394 --> 00:11:05,622
Yes.
139
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:08,553
You know perfectly well I had
my name changed legally.
140
00:11:08,754 --> 00:11:11,632
Is it too much trouble
to address me as Merryl?
141
00:11:11,914 --> 00:11:15,031
I'll call you Merryl when we're alone,
all right?
142
00:11:15,234 --> 00:11:18,271
And when was the last time
we were alone?
143
00:11:18,474 --> 00:11:20,510
Not in front of the Yanks.
144
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,705
I'm terribly sorry.
As I was saying...
145
00:11:22,914 --> 00:11:26,953
...we shall be escorting you, but before
we go there's just one little formality.
146
00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:29,270
It's just for the record, really.
147
00:11:29,474 --> 00:11:31,942
Are there any more male Bundys?
148
00:11:32,154 --> 00:11:33,553
Women wish there were.
149
00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:37,986
Not here.
150
00:11:38,194 --> 00:11:43,314
Just remember, they must die
in Lower Uncton and not before.
151
00:11:43,514 --> 00:11:44,833
Got it? Good.
152
00:11:47,594 --> 00:11:48,947
Follow me. Car's outside.
153
00:11:49,154 --> 00:11:50,906
Have a nice journey, did you?
Thank you.
154
00:11:51,114 --> 00:11:53,150
Igor. Okey-dokey.
155
00:11:53,354 --> 00:11:54,833
We're gonna start our tour...
156
00:11:55,034 --> 00:11:58,868
...with an immediate visit to a quaint
little English village, Lower Uncton.
157
00:11:59,074 --> 00:12:01,144
- We don't wanna go there.
- I wanna go London.
158
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,914
London? No, no, no.
Very little to see in London.
159
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:07,265
Very dirty and it's all quite old too.
No, Lower Uncton.
160
00:12:09,234 --> 00:12:11,190
- Nice car.
- Oh, let's buy one.
161
00:12:15,074 --> 00:12:17,383
They're putting our luggage
into their trunk.
162
00:12:17,594 --> 00:12:19,664
I know. It's all part
of my master plan.
163
00:12:19,874 --> 00:12:21,990
Look, this is a comp trip
for them, right?
164
00:12:22,194 --> 00:12:23,991
All we have to do
is stay close to them.
165
00:12:24,194 --> 00:12:27,789
At the very least we should
get a free limo ride into town.
166
00:12:31,114 --> 00:12:32,593
They left with our luggage!
167
00:12:33,074 --> 00:12:35,952
- Let's get a cab and follow them.
- No, we can't.
168
00:12:36,154 --> 00:12:38,952
I put all our money and
travellers cheques in our baggage.
169
00:12:39,154 --> 00:12:43,545
See, I didn't wanna have
any unsightly bulges in my jacket.
170
00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:46,547
Well, honey, good news.
171
00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:49,552
Soon you won't have any
in your pants either.
172
00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:53,742
Hey! Hey!
173
00:12:56,874 --> 00:12:58,830
That is St. Paul's Cathedral.
174
00:12:59,034 --> 00:13:00,990
Great.
175
00:13:02,954 --> 00:13:04,307
There's Parliament.
176
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:06,391
Great.
177
00:13:07,994 --> 00:13:09,791
Tower Bridge.
178
00:13:10,194 --> 00:13:11,946
Great.
179
00:13:15,714 --> 00:13:17,466
And that's Trafalgar Square.
180
00:13:17,674 --> 00:13:19,312
Great.
181
00:13:22,314 --> 00:13:24,350
Oh, look. Buckingham Palace.
182
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,226
Great.
183
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:31,113
- Look, a McDonald's.
- Peg, quick! Get the camera.
184
00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:36,824
I see something else.
Stop the car. Stop the car!
185
00:13:41,394 --> 00:13:45,433
Oh, I smell many women
happily shopping.
186
00:13:46,394 --> 00:13:48,669
This is Harrods.
You really must see it.
187
00:13:48,874 --> 00:13:50,307
You've seen it. Let's go.
188
00:13:51,954 --> 00:13:54,149
I feel somewhat drawn to this place.
189
00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:58,063
Would there be enough in your budget
for me to do a little shopping?
190
00:13:58,674 --> 00:14:01,234
Well, maybe just
a very little shopping.
191
00:14:01,434 --> 00:14:04,232
- We're a very poor village.
- Can we get stuff for us too?
192
00:14:04,434 --> 00:14:06,026
If there's time.
193
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:21,231
Mom, can we go get
something for us now?
194
00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:22,992
No time.
195
00:14:34,554 --> 00:14:36,749
That's the lot, sir.
196
00:14:38,514 --> 00:14:40,266
Right. Thank you.
197
00:14:41,474 --> 00:14:43,863
Yeah. Money, money.
Send more money.
198
00:14:44,074 --> 00:14:45,746
I've never seen shopping like it.
199
00:14:45,954 --> 00:14:49,913
What? Oh, I don't know.
Just sell something.
200
00:14:50,114 --> 00:14:52,230
For God's sake.
201
00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:55,990
- Well, "Marlboro."
- Winston.
202
00:14:56,194 --> 00:14:58,503
That's much cooler. We're ready.
203
00:14:58,714 --> 00:15:00,830
Lower Uncton?
Shall we go to Lower Uncton now?
204
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,149
Are you kidding?
205
00:15:02,354 --> 00:15:04,549
We wanna see everything,
we wanna do everything.
206
00:15:04,754 --> 00:15:07,109
The Bundys swing
like a pendulum do.
207
00:15:07,514 --> 00:15:10,347
First, take me
to your finest bathroom.
208
00:15:22,074 --> 00:15:25,783
Marcie, can I ride
on the bus now for a while?
209
00:15:25,994 --> 00:15:28,462
No. You've been a bad boy.
210
00:15:28,674 --> 00:15:31,586
Besides, we only had
enough money for one ticket.
211
00:15:31,794 --> 00:15:34,388
Well, then can I stop
at Harrods for a drink of water?
212
00:15:34,594 --> 00:15:35,913
Shut up.
213
00:15:36,114 --> 00:15:37,911
Don't you think I'm thirsty too?
214
00:15:38,114 --> 00:15:40,628
But we have to find the Bundys
and get our luggage back.
215
00:15:40,834 --> 00:15:43,985
- Where did they say they were staying?
- London.
216
00:15:45,274 --> 00:15:48,186
Well, then it's only a matter of time.
217
00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,466
Come on.
218
00:15:50,674 --> 00:15:52,505
Quit embarrassing me!
219
00:15:52,914 --> 00:15:55,508
Come on! Come on! Come on!
220
00:16:05,394 --> 00:16:08,591
According to legend,
no one can make the guards smile.
221
00:16:08,794 --> 00:16:10,273
Watch this.
222
00:16:11,474 --> 00:16:13,430
Excuse me, is that a hat...
223
00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:17,183
...or are you just a member
of the British Hair Club for Men?
224
00:16:17,914 --> 00:16:20,109
Let me at him.
225
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:25,147
My husband sells
women's shoes for a living.
226
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,070
Leave this to me.
227
00:16:32,194 --> 00:16:34,992
I've made men come out of comas.
228
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:42,626
I'm stupid too.
229
00:16:44,674 --> 00:16:47,393
I'm gonna give it one more try.
230
00:16:56,754 --> 00:16:58,904
That's not a smile.
231
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:02,073
It will be when I take it away.
232
00:17:24,714 --> 00:17:26,352
- What's this?
- Well...
233
00:17:26,554 --> 00:17:28,988
...Winston says
this is Speakers' Corner.
234
00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:31,344
People come to listen
to just about any idiot...
235
00:17:31,554 --> 00:17:34,591
...spout off about
anything that's bothering him.
236
00:17:34,794 --> 00:17:37,672
I'd like to talk to you today
about women.
237
00:17:38,314 --> 00:17:40,066
I don't like them.
238
00:17:40,274 --> 00:17:42,742
Now, I mean, you folks are English...
239
00:17:42,954 --> 00:17:45,024
...but even you can't like women.
240
00:17:45,234 --> 00:17:48,510
I mean, you're sitting home
watching sports...
241
00:17:48,714 --> 00:17:52,787
...and that's the exact time they pick
to plant their ever-widening...
242
00:17:52,994 --> 00:17:55,064
...what you call "bums,"
next to you...
243
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:58,789
...and they ask, " Remember that
restaurant we went to 18 years ago?
244
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:01,428
Did you think
that waitress was pretty?"
245
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,508
Then you tell them to shut up
and they get mad.
246
00:18:04,714 --> 00:18:07,911
Then they cry, then you get mad
because you can't hear the game.
247
00:18:08,114 --> 00:18:12,027
Which I think was their
modus operandi all along.
248
00:18:12,234 --> 00:18:15,783
Now I'm not proposing a solution
because I gotta go soon...
249
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,222
...I see my wife looking.
250
00:18:17,434 --> 00:18:19,470
But I just wanna say...
251
00:18:19,674 --> 00:18:21,471
...I don't like them.
252
00:18:22,154 --> 00:18:24,543
Can I get a hearty,
"Whoa, women. I don't like them"?
253
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:30,464
Whoa, women! I don't like them!
254
00:18:33,954 --> 00:18:38,186
Oh, by the way, am I alone here
in hating the French?
255
00:18:38,394 --> 00:18:39,986
No!
256
00:18:40,874 --> 00:18:42,227
I thought not.
257
00:18:57,314 --> 00:19:00,750
Any more bright ideas, Mr. A-Little-
Counterfeiting-Never-Hurt-Anyone?
258
00:19:00,954 --> 00:19:02,228
As God is my witness...
259
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:04,902
...I thought Michael Caine
was on the five-pound note.
260
00:19:05,114 --> 00:19:06,752
It's the queen.
261
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:11,266
Just our luck, we run into the one guy
who can tell the difference.
262
00:19:13,354 --> 00:19:15,663
Here I am on my dream vacation...
263
00:19:15,874 --> 00:19:19,549
...stuck in an alley, freezing cold,
starving and married to you.
264
00:19:20,794 --> 00:19:22,546
Excuse me...
265
00:19:22,754 --> 00:19:24,870
...but do you remember
that time last winter...
266
00:19:25,074 --> 00:19:28,589
...when I asked you to tape an episode
of Full House and you forgot?
267
00:19:28,794 --> 00:19:30,705
Did I get mad? No.
268
00:19:30,914 --> 00:19:33,747
I just sat there and sulked silently.
269
00:19:34,314 --> 00:19:36,987
But I am hurting inside.
270
00:19:37,874 --> 00:19:39,592
You stink, Marcie.
271
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:43,503
Don't you push it, Jefferson.
272
00:19:44,074 --> 00:19:45,473
You're not that good in bed.
273
00:19:46,354 --> 00:19:48,231
Oh, come on.
274
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:50,265
We both know I am.
275
00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:52,833
Now relax, babe.
276
00:19:53,034 --> 00:19:58,267
It's your good fortune to be married
to a criminal and an inveterate liar.
277
00:19:58,474 --> 00:20:00,385
I'll come up with a scheme.
278
00:20:00,594 --> 00:20:02,869
It's gonna have to be very special...
279
00:20:03,074 --> 00:20:07,033
...because the British are a bit more
sophisticated than the Americans.
280
00:20:08,354 --> 00:20:11,027
I got it. It's brilliant.
281
00:20:20,954 --> 00:20:22,433
Come on, take the picture, Bud.
282
00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:24,747
Shoe salesman.
283
00:20:34,674 --> 00:20:38,303
Al, I don't think we can fit
all this stuff in the limo.
284
00:20:38,514 --> 00:20:42,143
Who cares?
We didn't want all this junk anyway.
285
00:20:45,794 --> 00:20:49,230
- Oh, "Lucky Strike."
- Winston. Winston.
286
00:20:49,434 --> 00:20:51,345
- What?
- No need to get snippy.
287
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:54,148
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Where we going now?
288
00:20:54,474 --> 00:20:57,511
Lower Uncton, that's where.
That's where it's happening, you know?
289
00:20:57,714 --> 00:21:00,069
The birthplace of The Beatles.
290
00:21:01,754 --> 00:21:04,712
- "Camels."
- Winston.
291
00:21:04,914 --> 00:21:06,142
Whatever.
292
00:21:06,354 --> 00:21:08,424
Look, we're tired
of just driving around.
293
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,194
- What is your finest hotel?
- The Savoy.
294
00:21:11,394 --> 00:21:13,225
What lgor really meant to say...
295
00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:19,225
...is it's the fabulous dumpster
by the Ritz in Lower Uncton.
296
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:22,028
- Didn't you, lgor?
- No, I think they'll like the Savoy.
297
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:24,464
Anyway, I've never been there
and I want to go.
298
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:28,223
To the Savoy then,
"Benson & Hedges."
299
00:21:28,434 --> 00:21:29,947
Winston. Winston!
300
00:21:30,154 --> 00:21:34,306
Oh, this is so wonderful.
I hope it never ends.
301
00:21:35,114 --> 00:21:36,388
There they are.
302
00:21:36,594 --> 00:21:39,904
They're staying in London.
They should be easy targets.
303
00:21:40,114 --> 00:21:43,663
Remember, they've got to be killed
outside Lower Uncton.
304
00:21:43,874 --> 00:21:49,232
- The future depends on it.
- Every Upper Uncton schoolboy knows.
305
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:51,345
If Lower Uncton gets the sun again...
306
00:21:51,554 --> 00:21:56,309
...then Upper Uncton will lose
all its prosperity as a tourist town.
307
00:21:57,274 --> 00:22:01,392
Every year thousands of people come
to our town to view our neighbours.
308
00:22:01,594 --> 00:22:06,065
The village cursed
to inky, hellish darkness.
309
00:22:06,914 --> 00:22:08,791
I know better than anyone.
310
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,554
My father owns
the T-shirt concession.
311
00:22:11,754 --> 00:22:16,032
Remember, they must be killed
outside Lower Uncton...
312
00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:17,792
...or the curse goes on forever.
313
00:22:17,994 --> 00:22:19,222
Don't worry.
314
00:22:19,434 --> 00:22:23,222
The Bundys will never
leave London alive.1
00:01:16,166 --> 00:01:17,963
Last week
on Married... With Children.
2
00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,885
The Bundys thought they won
a free trip to England.
3
00:01:21,086 --> 00:01:24,362
Whoa, England!
4
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:27,000
And the D 'Arcys
decided to go along.
5
00:01:27,206 --> 00:01:28,878
But there's a catch for the Bundys...
6
00:01:29,086 --> 00:01:32,635
...an ancient English curse
that dates back to 1653.
7
00:01:32,846 --> 00:01:35,724
And so that ye
and all your male descendants...
8
00:01:35,926 --> 00:01:39,202
...will be hated
in this place forever...
9
00:01:39,406 --> 00:01:44,036
...Lower Uncton
shall always be in darkness.
10
00:01:44,246 --> 00:01:46,202
The only way the curse
can be lifted...
11
00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:49,762
...is if Al and Bud are killed within
the town limits of Lower Uncton.
12
00:01:49,966 --> 00:01:52,036
That is the job of these two men.
13
00:01:52,406 --> 00:01:54,397
But if Lower Uncton
gets the sun back...
14
00:01:54,606 --> 00:01:57,803
...the neighbouring town of Upper
Uncton will lose their tourist trade.
15
00:01:58,006 --> 00:02:01,635
So these two men
have to kill the Bundys in London.
16
00:02:01,846 --> 00:02:04,041
And these two
want to kill the Bundys anywhere...
17
00:02:04,246 --> 00:02:06,680
...since they drove off
with their luggage and money.
18
00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:10,635
They have only one friend,
the dog they left behind.
19
00:02:10,846 --> 00:02:15,636
I don't care who kills them,
as long as they come back in a box.
20
00:02:15,846 --> 00:02:18,280
And now Married... With Children
continues.
21
00:02:21,566 --> 00:02:23,557
Boy, is that good.
22
00:02:29,486 --> 00:02:31,124
Gentlefolk?
23
00:02:32,766 --> 00:02:35,644
Listen, when we said
"all expenses paid"...
24
00:02:35,846 --> 00:02:39,555
...we didn't really mean
a river suite at the Savoy.
25
00:02:39,806 --> 00:02:44,004
I'll have you know, sir, that we are
accustomed to the finer things in life.
26
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:47,243
- Mom, what's this?
- It's a fork, honey.
27
00:02:47,446 --> 00:02:49,562
Oh, cool.
28
00:02:56,286 --> 00:03:01,280
I guess somebody should have
told that toilet the Yanks were coming.
29
00:03:03,686 --> 00:03:06,564
You know, family, Salem here...
30
00:03:06,766 --> 00:03:11,794
- Winston. The name is Winston.
- Like it matters.
31
00:03:12,006 --> 00:03:15,885
Anyhow, we are guests
in his lovely little country...
32
00:03:16,086 --> 00:03:17,678
...and since he is paying the tab...
33
00:03:17,886 --> 00:03:20,958
...let's go easy on the guy
and curb our expenses.
34
00:03:21,166 --> 00:03:23,680
Thank you very much,
young philistine.
35
00:03:29,246 --> 00:03:32,397
You know, honey, except for the fact
that you and the kids are here...
36
00:03:32,606 --> 00:03:34,961
...this is like a second honeymoon.
37
00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:38,203
Come look at the view with me,
sweetheart.
38
00:03:40,606 --> 00:03:44,121
There is something so infectious
about this country.
39
00:03:44,326 --> 00:03:48,160
I can just feel the class
rubbing off on us.
40
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,639
Hey.
41
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,037
It's a vegetable.
42
00:04:15,366 --> 00:04:20,315
Listen, you like rolls, do you? Or what
do you folks call them, "humma"?
43
00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:25,316
Is that it? Listen, Lower Uncton
is the home of humma.
44
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,636
Who's with me? Yeah?
45
00:04:30,566 --> 00:04:31,635
Hey, now.
46
00:04:31,886 --> 00:04:35,481
All right, Bundys, you're dead.
47
00:04:37,726 --> 00:04:38,875
What?
48
00:04:43,046 --> 00:04:46,243
- Room service.
- Well, we didn't order anything.
49
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:48,681
This is compliments of the house...
50
00:04:48,886 --> 00:04:51,764
...for spending L5000 in one day.
51
00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:57,605
This is a delicate French dessert
called A-bomb.
52
00:05:02,126 --> 00:05:06,961
You must eat it very slowly,
particularly the males.
53
00:05:15,446 --> 00:05:17,721
The Savoy. At last,
we found the Bundys.
54
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:20,838
Now we can get our luggage
and our money and enjoy the trip.
55
00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:22,240
Yeah, come on!
56
00:05:24,526 --> 00:05:27,120
Here you go, my good man.
57
00:05:49,126 --> 00:05:51,560
So once again,
I'd just like to thank you...
58
00:05:51,766 --> 00:05:55,520
...for being so very, very careful
amongst all these valuable antiques.
59
00:05:55,766 --> 00:05:58,041
Hey, look here, kids,
my hand is stuck in a vase.
60
00:05:58,286 --> 00:06:02,438
Oh, my hand's stuck in the vase.
Help me, help me... Just kidding.
61
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:09,080
Hey, hey. Look, here's a place
we haven't been yet:
62
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,358
"The London Dungeons."
I wanna see something scary.
63
00:06:12,566 --> 00:06:14,796
Well, then take a look at this.
64
00:06:16,886 --> 00:06:18,205
Hey, Menthol...
65
00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,965
...where in this burg
can a man get a copy of Big 'Uns?
66
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,757
Big 'Uns?
67
00:06:27,726 --> 00:06:33,119
Yes, well, in this country we call them
booby rags.
68
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:34,759
There you go.
69
00:06:38,526 --> 00:06:40,403
Well, let's go see some sights.
70
00:06:40,606 --> 00:06:44,076
But first, since we have to get
some gifts for the people back home...
71
00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:47,278
...everybody loot
something valuable.
72
00:06:48,686 --> 00:06:51,883
Let's go, come on. Oh, I like this.
73
00:07:31,126 --> 00:07:33,196
Killed a fish, let's go.
74
00:08:03,606 --> 00:08:06,325
We're just Americans.
Why'd they run?
75
00:08:06,526 --> 00:08:10,155
They must have been French.
Takes so little.
76
00:08:24,646 --> 00:08:27,956
Hey, it's Jack the Ripper.
77
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,723
I think it's moving.
78
00:08:30,926 --> 00:08:34,555
Of course he's moving, Kel,
he sees a harlot.
79
00:08:36,086 --> 00:08:38,725
Daddy, I think the statue's moving.
80
00:08:39,446 --> 00:08:43,598
No, it's not. Now, don't be scared.
Here, watch this.
81
00:08:48,046 --> 00:08:51,800
See that? If it were alive,
I would have just broken its neck.
82
00:08:52,006 --> 00:08:54,076
No man could have taken that
without screaming.
83
00:08:54,286 --> 00:08:56,163
Come on, pumpkin, let's go.
84
00:09:01,526 --> 00:09:04,757
I'm bored. Let's go spend
some more of Winston's money.
85
00:09:04,966 --> 00:09:06,604
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
86
00:11:51,886 --> 00:11:55,117
Excuse me, sir,
that will be L5000, please.
87
00:11:55,326 --> 00:11:57,556
- For the...
- I didn't forget to pay, did I?
88
00:11:57,766 --> 00:11:59,802
- Easily done, sir. Easily done.
- Sorry. Right.
89
00:12:00,006 --> 00:12:02,361
Where's that L5000 then?
Got it here somewhere.
90
00:12:02,566 --> 00:12:05,160
- Here's the money from the village.
- Brilliant. Well done.
91
00:12:05,366 --> 00:12:07,926
- Where did you get the money?
- We sold your farm.
92
00:12:08,126 --> 00:12:09,878
You what?!
93
00:12:10,966 --> 00:12:13,924
We're ready to go
to Lower Uncton now.
94
00:12:20,446 --> 00:12:24,962
Well, mole-boy, "arevadouche."
Here's where I leave you.
95
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:27,839
What are you talking about?
We're going to Lower Uncton now.
96
00:12:28,046 --> 00:12:30,640
Not me. I didn't come all this way
to spend my vacation...
97
00:12:30,846 --> 00:12:35,362
...in a one-whore town. I'm a city girl,
and I'm staying right here in...
98
00:12:35,566 --> 00:12:38,000
Wait, where are we?
99
00:12:38,206 --> 00:12:40,083
- London.
- Exactly.
100
00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:42,800
And you don't think Mom and Dad
will notice you're gone?
101
00:12:43,006 --> 00:12:45,964
Nope, it's all been taken care of.
102
00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:54,720
Well, pumpkin, what do you
think of London now, huh?
103
00:12:54,926 --> 00:12:57,042
Good, good.
104
00:13:20,286 --> 00:13:24,040
Here we are.
This is where you'll be staying.
105
00:13:29,126 --> 00:13:31,515
Our own castle.
106
00:13:32,006 --> 00:13:34,759
Isn't it awfully dark for noon?
107
00:13:35,246 --> 00:13:37,714
No, not for England.
108
00:13:37,926 --> 00:13:42,920
Oh, Al, our own castle.
It's just like out of a storybook.
109
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:45,560
- Isn't it romantic?
- Yeah, sure, babe.
110
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:50,438
Listen, Smokey,
I want separate rooms...
111
00:13:50,646 --> 00:13:54,116
...and I'd like a guard
outside of mine, please.
112
00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:58,922
Don't worry, sir, we know
exactly where to put you.
113
00:14:01,646 --> 00:14:06,117
- You hear that, kids?
- We hear you, Dad. Right, Kel?
114
00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:08,804
I sure hope this place is heated...
115
00:14:09,006 --> 00:14:12,840
...because it'd be a damn shame to
come all this way to catch our deaths.
116
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,158
You get it?
117
00:14:17,846 --> 00:14:20,235
Follow me, please,
and I'll show you to your quarters.
118
00:14:20,446 --> 00:14:21,674
Let's go, kids.
119
00:14:21,886 --> 00:14:25,765
- AI, have you seen Kelly?
- Bud's carrying her.
120
00:14:28,886 --> 00:14:31,798
Bad news.
We can't hang them until tomorrow.
121
00:14:32,006 --> 00:14:34,315
- Why not?
- The scaffolding's not here.
122
00:14:34,526 --> 00:14:37,882
We had to sell some of the wood
to buy nooses.
123
00:14:38,126 --> 00:14:42,961
Oh, yes. And what do you plan
to hang the nooses from?
124
00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:44,918
Well, we've thought of that.
125
00:14:45,126 --> 00:14:48,436
We're gonna have two
of our taller fellas hold them.
126
00:14:51,006 --> 00:14:54,476
I don't wanna hear any more. Right,
we're just gonna have to stab them.
127
00:14:54,726 --> 00:14:57,684
But the village children
were so looking forward to a hanging.
128
00:14:57,926 --> 00:15:02,397
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, the children.
129
00:15:03,366 --> 00:15:05,675
I think I'll buy one.
130
00:15:05,886 --> 00:15:07,683
What is this thing, Dad?
131
00:15:07,926 --> 00:15:11,043
Well, son, this being England and all,
I believe it's...
132
00:15:11,246 --> 00:15:13,999
And correct me if I'm wrong, lgor.
133
00:15:14,926 --> 00:15:17,315
- Stonehenge.
134
00:15:19,046 --> 00:15:21,640
Blimey, you nearly had it there, sir.
135
00:15:21,846 --> 00:15:25,759
Actually, this is the speaker's podium
for the festival tomorrow...
136
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:31,324
...at which you and your son
will be our honoured guests.
137
00:15:31,526 --> 00:15:33,118
You see that, son...
138
00:15:33,326 --> 00:15:37,001
...even the English know
that men are better.
139
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,164
Yes, right this way, please.
140
00:15:43,326 --> 00:15:47,877
You know, I feel right at home here.
I think I could stay here forever.
141
00:15:48,086 --> 00:15:50,042
Me too, Dad.
142
00:16:12,166 --> 00:16:18,355
You know, Al, since we're in a castle,
crown me, baby.
143
00:16:18,566 --> 00:16:21,797
What the hell, it's the first thing
I had to pay for the whole trip.
144
00:16:22,006 --> 00:16:24,474
All right, Peg, go ahead and say it.
145
00:16:24,686 --> 00:16:28,599
- What am I, baby?
- You're the king, baby.
146
00:16:28,806 --> 00:16:33,004
- Make me believe it.
- Well, who's gonna make me believe it?
147
00:16:33,206 --> 00:16:35,083
Oh, all right.
148
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:38,642
You're the king, baby.
149
00:16:38,846 --> 00:16:40,723
Good enough.
150
00:16:44,806 --> 00:16:48,515
Excuse me. Some of the area children
would like to have...
151
00:16:48,726 --> 00:16:51,604
...their pictures taken with you.
- With me?
152
00:16:51,806 --> 00:16:55,719
But I'm just a regular joe
that played high school football...
153
00:16:55,926 --> 00:16:57,996
...scored four touchdowns
in one game.
154
00:16:58,206 --> 00:17:01,243
Last city championship
Polk High ever won.
155
00:17:01,446 --> 00:17:04,722
I understand.
Bring those starstruck young'uns in.
156
00:17:10,006 --> 00:17:11,519
Come on, kid.
157
00:17:13,246 --> 00:17:16,955
There we go.
See how they love me, Peg?
158
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,396
Say your prayers.
159
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,242
All right, out we go. Come on.
160
00:17:23,486 --> 00:17:25,317
There we go.
161
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:31,804
You see, Peg,
you gotta give something back.
162
00:17:32,846 --> 00:17:35,314
Can you feel the history
in the room, Peg?
163
00:17:35,526 --> 00:17:36,754
Oh, I know.
164
00:17:36,966 --> 00:17:40,925
You know, lgor was telling me
that they say Bud's room is haunted.
165
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,481
I didn't tell him, though.
You know how jumpy he is.
166
00:17:43,686 --> 00:17:46,439
Well, good, because what he
doesn't know won't hurt him.
167
00:17:53,566 --> 00:17:59,243
Good evening, Bud.
We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
168
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:04,474
- Beware.
- You will die in the morning.
169
00:18:04,726 --> 00:18:06,159
Run.
170
00:18:09,086 --> 00:18:14,001
- Run while you still can!
- Wanna buy some shoes?
171
00:18:18,126 --> 00:18:20,242
Just a moment, gentlemen.
172
00:18:22,966 --> 00:18:25,844
Hey, how come only you
get to eat the candy bar?
173
00:18:26,046 --> 00:18:27,274
I was the one who found it.
174
00:18:27,486 --> 00:18:30,558
Yeah, well, I'm the one who pointed out
the baby who was holding it.
175
00:18:30,766 --> 00:18:34,281
Well, maybe next time you'll have
the guts to do something about it.
176
00:18:39,606 --> 00:18:41,961
Well, at least we'll be warm tonight.
177
00:18:42,166 --> 00:18:43,599
Warm and entertained...
178
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:46,957
...thanks to these free theatre tickets
those nice people gave us...
179
00:18:47,166 --> 00:18:50,238
...instead of food or money
or lodgings.
180
00:18:50,446 --> 00:18:52,357
Hey, I've never heard
of this show before.
181
00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:55,444
They say it's the longest-running show
in London's history.
182
00:18:55,646 --> 00:18:58,956
Tickets, please. Thank you.
183
00:19:06,886 --> 00:19:09,525
Bad Americans.
184
00:19:10,806 --> 00:19:13,684
Must be Shakespeare.
Taming of the Shrew, I believe.
185
00:19:14,526 --> 00:19:16,960
Would you like a drink
or a spanking?
186
00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:38,325
They say there's a girl in there
with the prince.
187
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,404
Miss?
188
00:19:45,446 --> 00:19:48,119
- Hey!
- You're not allowed to wear it out there.
189
00:19:48,326 --> 00:19:50,521
Only with me.
190
00:19:51,406 --> 00:19:54,523
Miss, there's a gentleman
wishes to speak with you.
191
00:19:54,926 --> 00:19:57,394
Well, I'm kind of busy
with the prince.
192
00:19:57,646 --> 00:20:00,638
Well, he says it's about your family.
193
00:20:02,686 --> 00:20:04,995
I never should have had parents.
194
00:20:22,446 --> 00:20:25,199
Miss Bundy,
I felt I should warn you...
195
00:20:25,406 --> 00:20:28,637
...about a dastardly plot
against your family.
196
00:20:31,486 --> 00:20:35,559
- "Dastardly," "dastardly."
- It means "bad."
197
00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:37,882
"Real bad thing."
198
00:20:38,086 --> 00:20:40,475
"Family go bye-bye"?
199
00:20:43,366 --> 00:20:46,164
You must get them out
of Lower Uncton before sunrise...
200
00:20:46,366 --> 00:20:49,642
...or a terrible fate will befall them.
201
00:20:49,846 --> 00:20:54,158
- "Befall them."
- They will die.
202
00:20:55,926 --> 00:20:59,965
Then I must run like the stocking.
How can I thank you, kind stranger?
203
00:21:00,166 --> 00:21:03,317
By bringing your family
to Upper Uncton.
204
00:21:03,526 --> 00:21:06,120
You don't have to tell me twice.
205
00:21:07,886 --> 00:21:09,160
Where?
206
00:21:09,926 --> 00:21:12,565
Upper Uncton.
207
00:22:08,966 --> 00:22:13,721
Will Kelly ever find her family?
Will the male Bundys survive?
208
00:22:13,926 --> 00:22:16,963
Was Brooklyn Bridge
really worthy of an Emmy?
209
00:22:18,366 --> 00:22:22,962
We'll answer two of these questions
next week on Married... With Children.1
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,110
Last week on Married With Children:
2
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:22,512
Al and Bud were being hunted
by killers from two different towns...
3
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,673
...each wanting to kill them
in their respective villages.
4
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,480
Bud was warned by some new friends.
5
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,950
You will die in the morning.
6
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:36,796
And if things aren't bad enough,
their only hope of rescue is Kelly.
7
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,229
Marcie and Jefferson have sought
salvation elsewhere.
8
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,829
Bad Americans.
9
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,196
And for you Buck fans...
10
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,228
Would it have killed them to pay
an extra dollar so I could eat?
11
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,591
And now,
Married With Children continues.
12
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,234
Hang them high
Hang them high
13
00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,749
Hang them till they thirst and die
14
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,110
Hang them high
Hang them high
15
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,754
Hang them till they thirst and die
16
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:11,917
I welcome you all here on this
wonderful Lower Uncton afternoon...
17
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:17,114
...to witness the deaths
of the hated Bundy males.
18
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,117
Their excruciating deaths
will usher in...
19
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:26,836
...a new era of prosperity
and sunlight...
20
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,679
...on this peaceful village.
21
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,593
Kill! Kill! Kill!
22
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,479
Kill! Kill! Kill!
23
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:36,999
Listen to them, Peg.
24
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:41,716
They're chanting "Al, Al, Al."
Just like my old Polk High School days.
25
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,229
These people have been so nice.
During my speech...
26
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,271
...l'm throwing in
an old football story.
27
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,914
Why don't you tell them about
your 3.25 an hour?
28
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,156
That'll wow them.
29
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,794
You're just jealous because
I'm a god here.
30
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,309
Watch this.
31
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,070
How do you like that, babe?
32
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,229
They'll stop screaming when you lower
your arms, Al. Most people do.
33
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,000
Heavy is the head that
wears your mother, son.
34
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:13,078
Dad, don't you sense
there's something wrong here?
35
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,078
I'm not talking about the ghosts
who danced around my room...
36
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,510
...removing their heads
and telling me to get out.
37
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,190
I mean, haven't you noticed
it's daytime and yet there's no sun?
38
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,397
Time to go.
39
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,515
Sorry, madam, no women allowed.
40
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:33,279
Well, thank God they don't have
that attitude in Paris.
41
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,918
Son, I could die
a happy man right now.
42
00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:42,716
Al Bundy, have you any words
for the assembled villagers here?
43
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,594
My people...
44
00:03:54,280 --> 00:04:00,833
...today I feel like the luckiest man
on the face of the earth.
45
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,869
As you know,
I played high school football.
46
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,515
I was great.
47
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:13,999
And I know you kids out there would
like to be just as great as I was...
48
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,838
...but beware.
49
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,149
There's a killer out there.
A temptation.
50
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,397
It infests your country
the same as mine.
51
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,912
It'll eat up your money
and your will to live.
52
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:33,069
I know you've heard about it before,
but you can't hear about it enough.
53
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:38,718
Kids, please just say no to marriage.
54
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,473
Dad, I've got a gut feeling
they're gonna kill us.
55
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,113
I'm trying to talk here, son.
56
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,711
- Football builds men.
- Enough of this football drone.
57
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:49,989
Kill them!
58
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:55,069
Kill them. Kill them.
Kill them. Kill them.
59
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,874
Son, I'm beginning to think
you were right.
60
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,436
Forsooth, woodsmen,
spare those men.
61
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,838
Fear not, Daddy, there's no business
like show business.
62
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,476
Hi-yo Silverware, away!
63
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,835
Well, I just saved
your worthless hides...
64
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,271
...and I think I deserve a hearty
"Good job, Kelly, thank you."
65
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,277
You might have gotten
a nice thank you...
66
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,517
...if you didn't say we'd travel faster
if we lightened the load...
67
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,472
...then unhitched the horse.
68
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,716
Well, he did go faster, didn't he?
69
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,151
So should we,
because here they come.
70
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,589
Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys!
Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys!
71
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,554
Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys!
Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys!
72
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:11,998
They've stopped.
73
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,713
We must be safe.
74
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,549
Well, we are safe.
A man told me to bring you here.
75
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,678
What man?
76
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,877
That man...
77
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:26,438
...holding a gun and pointing it at us
with a whole load of townspeople.
78
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,588
Don't worry, Al.
79
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,473
Whatever happens,
I'll be right by your side.
80
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,837
The women are free to go.
We only want to kill the men.
81
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,515
Have a nice life, Al.
82
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:45,352
I hope your death is less painful
than your life. Bye, Daddy.
83
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,679
Hey.
84
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:52,309
Come over to our side.
Your death will be quicker.
85
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,596
No. Come to our side.
86
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,394
At least we won't eat you afterwards.
87
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,838
That is an ugly rumour
started by people who are jealous.
88
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,709
Besides, it's dark over here.
89
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,276
We couldn't tell.
It's hard to know what we're eating.
90
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,110
- Why aren't they killing us, Dad?
- I don't know, son.
91
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,114
We must be on the borderline.
92
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,669
Right, then. I'll settle this.
93
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:24,918
Now then, come over here
or your wife and daughter are through.
94
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,709
You fool, that didn't work
with the other Bundys, either.
95
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,593
All right, we'll just wait them out.
96
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,631
Thank you.
97
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,076
It was really nice
meeting you. Thanks.
98
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,718
Thanks.
99
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,275
Thanks for such a good time.
100
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,439
Now, you really must come to America
and experience our theatre.
101
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,312
Jefferson, come on.
102
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,834
I'm sick of the theatre, Marcie.
Let's go get something to eat.
103
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,594
There's a place across the street.
The Whipped Puppy.
104
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,471
Sounds good to me.
105
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,875
Now listen, I have wired my mother
for money...
106
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,957
...but this was
the only address I had...
107
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,230
...so I guess we'll just
have to sit and wait.
108
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,399
But that could take hours. What are
we gonna do in the meantime?
109
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,517
Bad Americans?
110
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,078
Bad Americans.
111
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,239
Dad, I just want to say
it was brave of you to say:
112
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,874
"Take me and let the boy go free."
113
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,437
I didn't say that, son.
114
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,677
Don't you think it would be
a good time to do it?
115
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,632
Why would I say that?
116
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,071
What better way to die
than with my only son?
117
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,032
I love you, Dad.
118
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,671
Yeah, right.
119
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:03,634
But I feel this is the right time
for a final father-son chat.
120
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:08,072
Great. Much better than
my dream of dying in the saddle.
121
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:11,477
Don't make me push you
off the borderline.
122
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,511
I won't be able to die in peace...
123
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:18,032
...until I've been able to pass down
the accumulated wisdom of my lifetime.
124
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,073
So listen, son, and listen good.
125
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,758
Never mind.
126
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,752
We're getting nowhere.
127
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,396
Let's just beat them with clubs and
see which side they collapse on.
128
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:37,078
Oh, no. What if one of them fell your
side and one of them fell our side?
129
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,236
Be in a fine pickle then,
wouldn't we?
130
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,997
I'm sure we could work out
something mutually beneficial.
131
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,593
Oh, right.
132
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,758
We have them killed on your side
and you promise to share.
133
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,589
But you won't, will you?
You can't trust a light-dweller.
134
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,553
- Moon people.
- Sun people.
135
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,394
Maybe we're taking rather
a narrow view of this.
136
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:02,469
Maybe we should be looking at it from
the point of view of true entrepreneurs.
137
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,148
All right, look, it's the grave
of the Bundy...
138
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,956
...whose death ended
a 400-year-old curse.
139
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,478
That's gotta be worth a little bit.
140
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,392
- Custard sales.
- Right.
141
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,312
Banners.
142
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:20,559
"My Dad saw Al Bundy killed and all
I got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirts.
143
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,193
I love it.
144
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,994
- Partners.
- Partners.
145
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,873
Peace has been found
after all these years.
146
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,718
Kill them.
147
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:38,192
Wait, wait, guys, before you shoot,
I just want to say one thing.
148
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,879
The blond over there is a boy.
149
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,797
Come on.
It's not that dark over here, lad.
150
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,597
Well, excuse me.
151
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:52,078
While we're all in such a jovial mood,
may I offer just a little suggestion?
152
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:53,952
See, I think a great idea would be...
153
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,355
...pretending to have killed
the last Bundy.
154
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,110
Yes, well, I'm sure something
could be worked out.
155
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,276
I mean, we're not barbarians.
156
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,232
We're not the French.
157
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,993
Well, I demand vengeance.
158
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,272
Shamus McBundy insulted
my great-great-great-grandmother...
159
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,472
...and I want revenge.
160
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,271
Hey, I'll buy you an Orange Julius
in London, buddy.
161
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,873
That's a brilliant idea. Okay.
162
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:23,473
Igor, you kill the big one and in a
typical rush of English bloodlust...
163
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,797
...we all kill the rest of them.
164
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,435
Wait a second. That's not fair.
165
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:34,110
I was once a mighty athlete
and I demand to go out like a man.
166
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,636
All right. What about
a medieval joust?
167
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,037
Just think
of the promotional possibilities.
168
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:45,438
Buttons. Fanny packs.
Videotapes for the spectators.
169
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:50,800
Hey, lgor. Before you kill him,
try and do something funny with him.
170
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,719
Then we can sell a separate
wacky blooper reel.
171
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,509
Oh, Al, do it. I love those.
172
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,479
A medieval joust it is then.
173
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,238
They will fight to the death
in Upper Uncton.
174
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,078
Why Upper Uncton?
175
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,393
Well, we could hardly film ever
in your village, now could we?
176
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,559
Was that another "dark" crack?
177
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,759
Let's not get testy.
We've got a man to kill.
178
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,511
- AI, I'm afraid.
- Don't worry, babe.
179
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,757
This lgor don't look too tough to me.
180
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,076
Well, it's not him I'm worried about.
181
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:36,110
They're gonna be filming and I left
my bright-sun makeup in the castle.
182
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,674
And you guys thought you were cursed.
183
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,794
I can't believe my life depends
on Dad's ability to joust.
184
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,833
Well, it's better that than
his ability to earn a living.
185
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,635
And besides, who says
lgor's any good at this jousting stuff?
186
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,633
So long, Tiny Toon.
187
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,030
Come on, Al. It's time to go.
188
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,231
What could that man
be doing in there?
189
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,749
I think he's getting
into his battle gear.
190
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,717
Let's joust.
191
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:12,116
Al, honey, before your death...
192
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,513
...I mean, certain victory...
193
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,439
...there's really something
that I must say to you.
194
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,392
What is it, babe?
195
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,111
Do you have our return tickets?
196
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:27,518
You know, just in case you lose them
during your victory dance.
197
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,551
Don't worry about me, babe,
I played high school football.
198
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,478
Besides, if I should die...
199
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,309
...it will comfort me greatly to know
you'll be stuck here for life.
200
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,268
Wish me luck, kids.
201
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,115
What good would it do?
202
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,157
Pumpkin, what do you have to say?
203
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,954
Daddy's dying.
204
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,191
Well, that's comforting.
205
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,837
Let the tournament commence.
206
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,751
Pennants. Get your lgor pennants.
207
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,191
Get your "I saw Al Bundy die"
T-shirts.
208
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,153
Here you are, sir, one for the lady wife.
Here you go.
209
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,237
A couple for the kiddies.
Lovely, smashing.
210
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,953
That's it.
211
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:21,070
Ladies and gentlemen...
212
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:26,195
...let's get ready to rumble!
213
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:33,072
Welcome to the thumping
in Upper Uncton.
214
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,314
On my left...
215
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:44,073
...five-time all-European
undefeated jousting champion...
216
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,271
...going by the name of...
217
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:52,112
...lgor "The Truth" Deathshire.
218
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,599
And on my right...
219
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,189
...from the Windy City of Chicago...
220
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,716
...USA...
221
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:13,192
...AI "Stink-foot" Bundy.
222
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,548
When I say begin, begin.
223
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,188
Begin.
224
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,713
Go back to England, lgor.
225
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,719
- I can't look. How's he doing?
- He's doing great.
226
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,235
What do you mean,
Dad's doing great?
227
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,432
Dad? I thought you meant lgor.
228
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,113
Okay.
229
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,990
Enough Rope-a-Dope.
230
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,075
Let's rock.
231
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:06,433
Now for the death blow.
232
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:16,230
Next time you play a man's game,
wear a man's uniform.
233
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,872
And the next time you insult
an American...
234
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,117
...make sure he didn't play
high school football.
235
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,309
Now let's rock.
236
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,949
You stink, Bundy.
237
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,354
You did it! You did it!
It was so great.
238
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,073
- Oh, Al.
- Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.
239
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,508
What do we do now?
240
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:18,878
Well, I suppose we'll just have to flip
a coin to see which side we kill him on.
241
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:23,910
Look, it's the sun.
It's coming out over Lower Uncton.
242
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,433
The curse must have been lifted
when Bundy defeated lgor.
243
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,274
Hooray for Al Bundy!
244
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,951
Oh, Al.
245
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,678
This is terrible.
246
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,872
We've always prospered
as a tourist attraction.
247
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,675
"The town next to the land
of darkness." Now we have nothing.
248
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,309
What about us? I mean,
now you can see. Look.
249
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,069
We've got no crops.
There's no paint on the stores.
250
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,278
We're just a couple of little burgs
in the middle of nowhere.
251
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,471
We can't sell any T-shirts now.
252
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,952
We can't even sell
the bloody video we made.
253
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,832
He's ruined everything, he has.
254
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,640
- Let's kill him.
- Why not?
255
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,354
Let's kill the whole bloody
lot of them.
256
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,276
Vacation's over.
257
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,113
Thank your father, kids.
258
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,390
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.
259
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,596
Americans coming through.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse us.
260
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,233
- Americans coming through.
- Move.
261
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:42,919
- Excuse us. Excuse us.
- Move.
262
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,712
- Excuse us.
- Excuse me, pardon me.
263
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,071
Americans coming through.
Excuse us... Oh!
264
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,396
- Hi, you made it.
- Hi.
265
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,672
- So how did you enjoy London?
- Oh, it was great, Peggy.
266
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:58,476
We managed to take in
a lot of... theatre.
267
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,078
Oh, my goodness.
268
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:12,838
Someone has switched our luggage...
269
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,077
...and given us many
erotic forms of punishment.
270
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:22,869
But rather than hold these good people
up, we'll be glad to pay the duty.
271
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,992
Do you have anything to declare?
272
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,596
Yes. My husband is an idiot.
273
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,833
- Come on, kids.
- Mom, what happened to Dad?
274
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:47,160
He got caught stealing a hotel towel.
Like he'll ever use it.
275
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:51,035
- What do you think they'll do to him?
- Oh, please, it's a hotel towel.
276
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:52,798
What can they do?
277
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,559
What are you in for?
278
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:04,309
Stole an ashtray from the Ritz.
279
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,716
- You?
- Towel from the Savoy.
280
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,874
- What do they feed you in here?
- Bread and water.
281
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,109
Then it's truly the best vacation
I've ever had.1
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,436
So, Mom, what's the big surprise?
2
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,871
Why are we sitting here
like blind Lone Rangers?
3
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:26,675
Yeah.
4
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,758
And why can I still hear you
with this mask on?
5
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,080
Just hang on, kids.
6
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:37,319
Here it comes.
7
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,871
Oh, my God, an M&M.
8
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,794
And I got a W&W.
9
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,639
Hey, wait a second.
10
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,308
Why are you treating us so good?
11
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,238
Yeah, Mom. Why'd you cook for us?
12
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,355
Well, can't a mother show her love?
13
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,075
Okay.
14
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,952
I did it so you'd be in good moods...
15
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,879
...when I told you that my relatives
are coming for a visit.
16
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,951
No. Not Zemus and Ida Mae.
17
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,919
Oh, hush.
They both wear clothes now...
18
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,118
...and they're not gonna
be any trouble to anyone.
19
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:38,436
Hey, Peg, did you know
we're out of towels in the bathroom?
20
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,320
Guess you didn't tell Dad
your family was coming.
21
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,159
Well, he never warns me
when he is...
22
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,793
...so I feel like I owe him nothing.
23
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,992
God, I love Sundays.
24
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,919
The one day of the week
I get to sleep later than you, Peg.
25
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,469
Saturday night I stay up
extra, extra late...
26
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,194
...eat an enormous amount
of tacos...
27
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,278
...to make absolutely sure
there's no way in the world...
28
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,869
...that when I wake up,
you'll be next to me.
29
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,439
You don't have to eat tacos
for that, honey.
30
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,759
But I can't afford
to take that chance, Peg.
31
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:27,795
But when I know you're gone, I can
finally slip out of my underwear...
32
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,510
...and sleep safely naked
as God intended.
33
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,308
Oh, the sensations.
34
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,796
Why, with Mommy gone,
I almost feel sexual.
35
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,556
Yeah, nothing can ruin Sunday
for me.
36
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,318
Wait a minute. What's that?
37
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,472
Open your mouth.
38
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,677
It's an M&M.
39
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,559
Oh, God. Your family's coming!
40
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,750
How much time do I have?
41
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,956
Great Caesar's ghost, they're here!
42
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,151
- Have you made the preparations?
- Of course.
43
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,590
- What about the dog?
- He's ready.
44
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,953
Shouldn't we have a sign like that?
45
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,435
Here, here.
Everybody take one of these.
46
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,474
If they move on you, smack them
on the nose and say, "No."
47
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,831
Open up! We know you're in there!
48
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,799
I'm coming.
49
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,959
All right, now, kids,
smile as if Daddy had died.
50
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,072
Okay.
51
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,510
- Zemus, Ida Mae.
- Peggy.
52
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,756
You look good enough to eat.
53
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,789
- Little cousin.
- No.
54
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,354
- Big boy.
- Don't even dream about it, Zemus.
55
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,110
So where's the dog?
56
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,558
By the way, what's with that line?
57
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,432
Are you gonna tie it to your porch...
58
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,835
...to make sure you can
find your way home?
59
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,834
No, it's for our youngest child.
60
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,076
We believe in giving the boy
a little freedom.
61
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,555
That way, if he feels cooped up
in the Winnebago...
62
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,479
...he can gallop alongside of us
down the highway.
63
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,909
Folks, meet little Seven.
64
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,111
Seven?
Well, why'd you pick that name?
65
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,717
Because we had one, two, three,
four, five, seven kids.
66
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,509
- Say hi to your cousin.
- Oh, hello.
67
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,835
Is that the one
who's gonna give me money?
68
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:17,397
Yeah, that's the rich one.
Go bond with him.
69
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,196
I love you, you big lug.
70
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,471
Give me money.
71
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,031
Do you know where your knee is?
72
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,152
Yes, I do, so give me money.
73
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,956
Kids, why don't you take
little Seven upstairs.
74
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,912
Come here, Seven.
75
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,153
We'll take him up to Bud's room.
76
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,555
Have you ever seen
a rubber woman?
77
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,993
Isis is not rubber,
she's breathable latex.
78
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,073
And she breaks, just like a little girl.
79
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,077
Come on in.
80
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,590
Isn't this nice?
81
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,475
We're swingers.
We're into swapping.
82
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,952
But don't be put off, it doesn't have to
be the traditional man-woman thing.
83
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,678
And this little Peggy
never goes to market.
84
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,792
And this little Peggy stays home.
85
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,788
And this little Peggy eats bonbons.
86
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,716
And these little children have none.
87
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,390
I want them to do the song again.
88
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,074
He only wants us to do it
because he knows we hate it.
89
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,559
- Is that true, Seven?
- Yes.
90
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,838
And a-one and a-two.
91
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,278
- Baby face
- Baby face
92
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:25,075
- You've got the cutest little baby face
- You've got the cutest little baby face
93
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,510
- Not another one could tak e your place
- Not another one could tak e your place
94
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,711
- Baby face!
- Baby face!
95
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,752
Hi, kids.
96
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,638
- Good to be home.
- Where did you disappear to?
97
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,632
Well, I crawled
under the doggy door...
98
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,276
...when Zemus turned out the lights
and said, "Let's exchange trousers."
99
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,513
Is that your real nose?
100
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,556
Seven, if you were thinking of pulling
his hair, try grabbing it out of his ears.
101
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,157
Unlike his head, it just seems
to grow and grow and grow.
102
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:09,558
Peg, why is this kid sitting on my lap?
Doesn't his father have a groin?
103
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:16,032
By the way, where are the Kettles?
104
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,631
Well, right after you left,
they went out for cigarettes.
105
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,473
And you let them go?
106
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,995
That has to be
the dumbest move in history.
107
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,634
No, the second dumbest.
The first dumbest had to be...
108
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,798
...when I answered your phone call
the day after we had sex.
109
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:41,988
Peg, you just let these people
stick us with their kid.
110
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,876
Oh, my God. I've got another child!
111
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,478
Now, Peg, I'm gonna
remove my hands.
112
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,478
Please don't show him
how upset you are.
113
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,078
What's the matter?
Did he find out my folks are gone?
114
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,278
No. No, no.
Just went out for cigarettes...
115
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,118
...be right back.
- No, they won't.
116
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:16,229
But that's okay. I'll just
live with Mommy and you, Daddy.
117
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,869
- Not another who could tak e your place
- Not another who could tak e your place
118
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,872
Oh, Peg, I've got another kid.
119
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,548
Oh, got another kid.
120
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,673
Oh, Al, I'm happy.
121
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,189
I wanna keep him. The kids love him.
122
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,311
And Buck has really taken to him.
123
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,556
You should see the two of them
play together.
124
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:49,079
- Oh, look, here he comes.
- Doggy, wanna go to the dentist?
125
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,360
I guess he's still sore
from playing doctor.
126
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:08,554
- What is it, Peg?
- It's just the love.
127
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,477
Oh, Al, I have to keep him.
128
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,672
This boy needs a mother,
and I am a born mommy.
129
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:20,233
- Can I go throw rocks at cars?
- Sure, honey.
130
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,313
Just look both ways before throwing.
131
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,115
Well, hey, aren't you
a cute little guy.
132
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:41,317
- Hey, mister, which car is yours?
- That pretty blue one.
133
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,797
- So where are his parents?
- Oh, they went out for cigarettes.
134
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,799
The old cigarette ploy.
135
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,197
They stuck you with their kid,
and they're never coming back.
136
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:02,392
So, what are you gonna name
this one, Financial Burden III?
137
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,757
Peggy, I envy you.
138
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:21,670
A new child, and you didn't even
have to touch that man to get it.
139
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,318
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
140
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,511
Of course,
Al will have to get another job.
141
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,438
And it may be tough
on Bud and Kelly...
142
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,313
...you know, with not enough love
to go around and all.
143
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,830
But I don't really see
any downside for me.
144
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,157
Gee, Al, another child.
145
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,430
What a blessing.
146
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,113
It shouldn't be much of a strain
on your salary...
147
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,638
...which couldn't support a family of
goats in the mountains of Paraguay.
148
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:54,432
But on the bright side,
another child could be such a joy.
149
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:58,912
Let's take the time to think of all
the things that you can teach him.
150
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,913
Well, I can't think of anything.
Can you?
151
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,716
Now, Marcie...
152
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,912
...don't take this as an insult...
153
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,396
...you parakeet in a flannel shirt.
154
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,076
But speaking as a friend...
155
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,636
...your body shows no signs
of womanhood.
156
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,310
Obvious to me, you're barren.
157
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,238
And even if by some miracle...
158
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,558
...you actually laid an egg
and then hatched a child...
159
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,309
...and tried to breast-feed it,
the kid would starve to death.
160
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:38,988
Let's face it, Marce...
161
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,112
...there can't be enough milk in there
for a cup of coffee.
162
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:49,029
So having said that with love...
163
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,034
...from one friend to another...
164
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,313
...I offer you the son you'll never
have. Let me go get his clothes.
165
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:01,908
Al, I couldn't possibly
take anything from you.
166
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,953
Instead, let me give you something.
167
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,352
Ten fingers of death.
168
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,155
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
169
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,151
And I have breasts, damn it.
170
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,757
She really does, Al.
You just can't see them.
171
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,079
Right, honey?
172
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,192
Like I can see everything on you?
173
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,714
You said that wasn't important.
174
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,399
Well, I lied.
175
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,950
Wait a second.
Can't we go back to picking on Al?
176
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,710
You're right, honey.
177
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:50,470
So, Daddy No-Bucks,
where's the new kid gonna sleep?
178
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,719
So that's the real story of the breakup
of me and Cindy Crawford.
179
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,228
You know, you're not
that interesting either.
180
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:10,114
And now, we put me to sleep.
181
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,552
Don't mind me, Bud.
I just came in to say good night.
182
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,274
- Good night.
- Yeah, thanks.
183
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:27,914
- My little man.
- Mommy, he bored me.
184
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,228
How about a nice little lullaby?
185
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,195
Okay, here we go.
186
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,433
Hush, little baby, don't you cry
187
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,598
Bud will be gone soon
So kiss him goodbye
188
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,270
And if Bud won't leave on his own
189
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,677
I'll throw him out,
and then it'll just be me and you.
190
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,150
I'll cook for you,
and everything will be so nice.
191
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,397
Mom, Mom. He's sleeping.
192
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,475
I guess I just got carried away.
193
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,671
It's so hard to leave this little guy.
194
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,191
Come here.
195
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,192
Okay.
196
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,428
Good night.
197
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,949
- Good night, Mom.
- Yeah, thanks.
198
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,159
Hooters. Oh, hooters,
come out and play.
199
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,159
Bud...
200
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,269
...I have to ask you a question.
201
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,833
You have waited 19 years
for someone to get in bed with you.
202
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,430
Tell me, is it everything
you had hoped for?
203
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,918
Oh, I'm just teasing you, you little
emotionally arrested Smurf.
204
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:44,873
I brought you a little present.
205
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,196
Now that you're sharing
your pad with Seven...
206
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,470
...I wanted to give you something
to decorate.
207
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,477
A little eye candy
for the both of you.
208
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,833
There you go, college man.
209
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,112
"Wags, the Perplexed Pup."
210
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:06,472
Cartoon cutie.
Well, as if I had to tell you.
211
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:10,874
Hey, great place
for a Blossom calendar.
212
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,909
How much must I endure?
213
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,395
God, she isn't bad, is she?
214
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,312
Oh, God, look at my life.
215
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,317
I don't get it.
216
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,996
I'm so cute.
217
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,671
What am I even doing home?
218
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,156
I know I've got the bod,
got the arms...
219
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:42,388
...the chest, and even I can't
keep my hands off my butt.
220
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,200
You really should talk to Daddy.
221
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,239
Anyway, I couldn't bear
to be away from this little guy.
222
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,749
I'm gonna take him to bed with me.
223
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,558
You do take that down
when friends are over, don't you?
224
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:12,068
Well, at least I got some privacy.
225
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,078
Hi, girls.
226
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,756
Come to papa.
227
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,719
Don't mind me, son.
Just avoiding your mother.
228
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,110
Hey, now.
229
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,149
What's this?
230
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,030
"Hooters, absolutely no faces."
231
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,759
Goodish.
232
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,554
- Come on, Dad.
- Go to sleep.
233
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,674
Bud, did you do this?
234
00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:01,116
Oh, God, look at my life.
I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot.
235
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:04,671
I don't get it.
236
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,676
So cute.
237
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,116
How could this be my fate?
238
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,391
I should've married for money.
239
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,716
I always had the bod.
240
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,432
Got the arms.
241
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,232
God never made a nicer butt.
242
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,959
I can't live like this,
but I'll tell you what I can do.
243
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,037
I'm gonna track down
Seven's parents...
244
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,435
...and I'm gonna get this house
back to normal.
245
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,516
And I want Wags hanging on my wall
when I get back, son.
246
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:58,399
- Fill her up, sir?
- Nope. Making a delivery.
247
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,429
- Ninety-two octane?
- Yeah, whatever.
248
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,834
And the Atlanta Braves
tak e the field.
249
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:32,070
Welcome to our monthly
underwear fashion show.
250
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,911
And now,
here's supermodel, Zemus...
251
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:48,079
...wearing lovely blue Hanes.
252
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,035
- Hi.
- Hi.
253
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,875
I think we should talk.
254
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:09,112
Gee, I hope Daddy
doesn't find your parents...
255
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:13,074
...so you can stay with us forever.
- Me too.
256
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,472
Yeah, us too.
257
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,589
Hi, Al. Did you find his parents?
258
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,359
No.
259
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,672
Couldn't find them.
260
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,472
So we can keep him?
261
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,637
Guess so.
262
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,151
Daddy!
263
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:54,075
Oh, by the way, everybody,
today was payday.1
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:21,636
You're spending your Saturday night
listening to Oldies Radio WZ.
2
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,030
Pretty pathetic, isn't it?
3
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,511
Here's one you have to be
hovering around 40 to remember.
4
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:30,433
Then I couldn't possibly remember.
5
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,238
Honey.
6
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,638
Al.
7
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,392
Oh, my God,
is it our anniversary again?
8
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:01,675
No, Al.
9
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,872
Well, then, what gives you
the right to touch me?
10
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,351
Because I'm tired
of touching myself.
11
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,270
Well, who could blame you?
12
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,873
Al, I wanna talk.
13
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,795
And I want the same attention
that you'd give one of your burps.
14
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,638
And you think you've
earned that right?
15
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,517
Look, honey, I know you love
your burps. We all do.
16
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:30,833
But if we could just
put your gas aside, just this once.
17
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,032
After that one, of course.
18
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:43,399
Come on, Al, it's Saturday night and we
are sitting home alone, doing nothing.
19
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,119
Didn't use to be like that.
20
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,352
- Remember when we were young?
- No.
21
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:53,754
Out every night. Living, loving,
taking big mouthfuls of life.
22
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,991
And then we met.
23
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,238
But we had some great times.
And we can again.
24
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,630
Whatever we did then,
we can do now.
25
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,714
No, we can't, Peg, because now when
we make love, I don't get to go home.
26
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,708
Peg, you're old. Revel in it.
27
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:14,317
Get yourself some Q-Tips
and burp yourself to the grave, baby.
28
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,950
Saturday night is for the young,
not you.
29
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:21,479
Oh, yeah, youth.
30
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,757
Every kid in the world's got somewhere
to go on Saturday night.
31
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,677
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
32
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,593
You got any Popsicle sticks?
I'm building a house.
33
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:40,078
Save your pity. I'm not the only boy
in this town without a date.
34
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,594
Don't move, amigos,
this one's for me.
35
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,394
Saturday night
is the night for amore.
36
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,268
Got me an older woman.
37
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,109
Now Bud's even more depressed.
38
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,713
Say something to him, Al.
39
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,439
Son...
40
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,750
...F Troop's on.
41
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,830
F Troop. Of course.
42
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,834
I'll have plenty of dates
once F Troop is over. Plenty, I said.
43
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,353
And by the way...
44
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,034
...in case you're wondering why
I'm in my pyjamas...
45
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,829
...I wear them under my clothes so I'm
ready when a chick wants to go to bed.
46
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:49,793
They know you're lying.
47
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,558
No, they don't.
48
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,830
Just stay cool.
49
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,838
I don't think we can pull this off.
50
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,792
Yes, we can.
51
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,279
We've got them fooled.
We've got everybody fooled.
52
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,273
Are you sure?
53
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,916
What's the difference?
We still have each other.
54
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:14,948
Al, we have to do something.
55
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,118
There's nothing to do except
pick out the dress you wanna wear...
56
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,272
...when Dan Rather asks you
why your son shot the president.
57
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,478
I am talking about us.
We have to improve our social life.
58
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,438
And I have the answers right here.
59
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:35,478
Now, Peg, those weren't the answers
since they stood up by themselves.
60
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,914
They're not alone in that,
you know.
61
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,871
Look, I just bought
the new issue of Cosmo.
62
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,270
Oh, now, Peg. No, now.
63
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,830
Look here, those articles about married
couples having sex every month...
64
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,355
...that's just a bunch
of sensationalistic...
65
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,556
Just a bunch of
sensationalistic lies...
66
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,870
...perpetrated on the public
to sell magazines.
67
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,116
It's just a bunch of hooey,
that's all. Hooey!
68
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,432
- No normal man could...
- Oh, relax, Al.
69
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,551
I'm not talking about sex.
70
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,830
Honey, look, there's an article here:
71
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,913
"Is your marriage dead?
Talk it alive."
72
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,628
This says that we should talk
every Saturday night.
73
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,110
And that's what we're gonna do.
Starting tonight.
74
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,471
Now, we had plenty to talk about
when we first met.
75
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,517
Peg, that was before
I got to know you.
76
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,518
There was a lot of things
I had to find out, you know.
77
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,034
There was stuff like:
78
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,913
"How far will she really go
on a six-pack?" And, you know:
79
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,669
"Would it be any fun for you
to watch me and your friend Joan?
80
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,919
Did she actually see Deep Throat?"
You know...
81
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,793
Yeah, and there was that thing
that I always kept wondering:
82
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,437
"How could a man with such big feet
have such a teeny-weeny, tiny, little...
83
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,352
...itsy...?"
- Peg.
84
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,317
Brain, honey.
85
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,393
Oh, come on, Al. Let's talk.
86
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,756
Fine. We'll talk.
87
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:12,477
Don't you dare. We are talking here.
88
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,399
I refuse to talk to my wife when I have
a TV in the house.
89
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,354
Al, I wanna talk. Talk to me!
90
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,989
I'm out of gas.
91
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:36,196
Aren't you supposed to
turn the car off before you say that?
92
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,993
Well, what's the difference?
93
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,158
I mean, we both know
I'm not out of gas.
94
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,790
Oh, very nice. Now we both do.
95
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,237
God, I hate women.
96
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,839
All right.
97
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,070
I'm out of gas.
98
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:57,912
For real?
99
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,438
Yeah.
100
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,548
What a coinkydink, huh?
101
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,908
Come here.
102
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,157
- Don't you wanna talk first?
- No.
103
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,233
If I wanted to talk,
I'd be hanging out with the guys.
104
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,869
And I wouldn't have had to shave.
105
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,114
- Come here.
- Come here?
106
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,476
If I wanted to listen
to one-word sentences...
107
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,349
...I would have been out with the girls,
and I wouldn't have had to shave.
108
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:33,115
You know, Kelly, I'm sure there's
a lot more to you than meets the eye.
109
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,193
Unfortunately, I don't really care
about that part.
110
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,554
So why don't you just
put out or get out.
111
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,591
Okay?
112
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,752
Well, a girl's gotta do
what a girl's gotta do, huh?
113
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,752
Exactly.
114
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,068
It was good for me,
was it good for you?
115
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,990
Have a nice walk home, tramp.
116
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,188
Tramp?
117
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,556
But I got out.
118
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,033
Oh, no.
119
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:38,108
Left, right, left, right,
left, right, right, right.
120
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,951
I must have forgotten
a left somewhere.
121
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,590
Oh, God, this walk
has totally "discumboobled" me.
122
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:48,276
But as I learned long ago,
it doesn't matter where you walk...
123
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,075
...just as long as you don't walk
and chew gum at the same time.
124
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:59,109
Left, right, left, right...
God, it's so much easier.
125
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,595
Look at me go.
- left, right.
126
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,197
Fourteen miles? It was 15 before.
127
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,635
It's just getting less.
128
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,558
Oh, doody.
129
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,756
Left, right, left, right...
130
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,750
Goes the owl.
131
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,395
Goes the cow.
132
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,197
Goes the girl with the ride home.
133
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,432
So we've certainly learned
a lot about each other.
134
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:43,196
We have no opinions on
politics, religion, science...
135
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:48,719
...starving people, nuclear holocaust
or recycling.
136
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,315
The only thing that we seem
to feel strongly about...
137
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,757
...is we both hate that painting
behind Jay Leno.
138
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,797
- I do hate that painting.
- It's terrible.
139
00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,828
- I don't know why they put it there.
- I don't know why they put it there.
140
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,993
Well, now that we've broken the ice,
let's talk about us.
141
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,959
Yes!
142
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,080
Mommy, Daddy, I did it.
143
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,392
I did it. I got a date.
144
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,557
Yup, no more sticky fingers for me.
145
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,959
You know, from the Popsicle sticks.
146
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,910
Anyhow, I called
every girl in college...
147
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,720
...and when I got to the most
beautiful girl in school...
148
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,993
...she's the one who said, "Thank you,
Bud. Please, please take me out."
149
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,435
So I guess I got something
special after all.
150
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,353
So where's a good place to take a girl
with the measles?
151
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,474
You know, son,
you're a mighty strange young fella.
152
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,233
Maybe so, maybe so...
153
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,119
...but a strange young fella
with a date.
154
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,551
I know she's got a fever now...
155
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:18,237
...but wait till she feels the relief from a
cool, long-necked Bud against her head.
156
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,436
Peg, I'm beginning to think the kid
might have a problem or two.
157
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:32,390
Yes, but we don't have the right kind
of training or concern to handle it.
158
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,039
So, Al, tell me...
159
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,236
...what do you talk about
with your friends?
160
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,192
You can talk about
those things with me.
161
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,830
Well, Peg, I don't talk to my friends.
You don't let me have any.
162
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,630
I don't talk to anybody.
I'm just not a talker.
163
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,798
It's not you, Peg,
it's just the way I am.
164
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,080
- Hey, Al.
- Jefferson, Jefferson, Jefferson...
165
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,554
...how you doing?
- All right.
166
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,318
- You see the Bears game?
- Sure did.
167
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,715
Hey, you think Perot's
gonna be back in '96?
168
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,554
Not a chance.
Doesn't talk issues, my man.
169
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,597
Oh, remind me to give you back
that book.
170
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,717
As you said it,
ending was anti-climatic...
171
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,071
...but the read getting there was
frankly compelling.
172
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,157
I got that camera
that you recommended...
173
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,755
...and the fl1.2 lens was worth
the extra money.
174
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,389
Well, the faster the lens,
the more light you can use.
175
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,631
Did you know
that Pavarotti is back in town?
176
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,831
Hey!
177
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,309
You got a brain
that you're not using with me?
178
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,791
That makes two things
you're not using with me.
179
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,832
Come on, Al, it's not like
I wanna be your friend or anything...
180
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,514
...I just want you to talk to me.
181
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,274
Communication problem, eh?
182
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,317
That started to happen to us.
183
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,308
That is, until we read Cosmo's
wonderful, penetrating article:
184
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,358
"Is Your Marriage Dead?
Talk It Alive."
185
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,357
It certainly helped Jefferson.
186
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,798
I didn't need any help, because I'm
naturally perky and quite fascinating.
187
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,758
Actually, I don't really need Cosmo...
188
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,473
...but poor Jefferson does.
189
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:02,510
Honey, tell everyone how that article
on temporary male impotence...
190
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,958
...has given you the courage
to try, try again.
191
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,997
You should see him.
He's so cute going:
192
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,078
"I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can."
193
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,118
Of course, that's after four times...
194
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,318
...of making her shake
like a California quake.
195
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:32,798
And like Los Angeles,
I'm still waiting for the big one.
196
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,872
Well, I'd settle for an aftershock.
197
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,157
- Oh, you should see Al.
- No, I shouldn't.
198
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:53,274
Oh, snookums,
it's kind of cute, though.
199
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,637
It's like Groundhogs Day,
peeking out...
200
00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:01,436
...seeing its own shadow,
getting scared and running away.
201
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,959
Not the shadow
it's scared of, Peg.
202
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,831
Cute as the dickens, though.
203
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:15,438
Yeah, well, not as cute
as my little Bermuda Triangle.
204
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,869
Al, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
205
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,315
Oh, I just might be.
206
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:26,553
This talk stuff doesn't work for us.
Let's go upstairs.
207
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:30,156
That doesn't work either, but it's quick
and we can get back and watch TV.
208
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,952
- Oh, Al.
- You said it, baby!
209
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:44,196
But you know, Al, it is Saturday night,
so I must insist on foreplay.
210
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,839
Oh, all right. Here you go:
211
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,235
Goose, goose, goose.
212
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,912
Well, you think we ought to
go home and do it?
213
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,110
Make yourselves some coffee,
we'll be back in a second.
214
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,199
Come on, Peg,
I'm rounding third, baby!
215
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,397
Gotta go!
216
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,752
Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Eighty-nine bottles of beer
217
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,629
If one of those bottles
Should happen to fall
218
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,994
Eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall
219
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,952
Hey.
220
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,553
What are you guys doing?
221
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:38,157
We have been by this deer crossing
forever, but one hasn't come yet.
222
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,513
Maybe we should just go.
223
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,033
No. Don't.
224
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,475
It could be a trap.
225
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:53,032
We could start to cross, and then a cop
will throw a deer out here...
226
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,068
...and then we'll all be in the pokey
sharing a cell with Mike Tyson.
227
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,310
So, what are you guys doing here?
228
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:06,509
Are you a "Car Broken Down"? CBD.
Or a "Put Out or Get Out"? POOGO.
229
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,995
- POOGO.
- POOGO.
230
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,915
Yeah, I guess that makes us
the three POOGO-teers.
231
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,912
Athos, Porthos and Moe.
232
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,273
Who are they?
233
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,436
They're these guys from this book
based on the candy bar.
234
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,271
Well, we could wait here forever
for a stupid deer to cross...
235
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,675
...but I guess we should do
the sensible thing.
236
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,314
Let's sit down and wait. Okay?
237
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,993
This road brings back memories
of my old boyfriend Tony DiVitteto.
238
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,878
- Did you use to come here with him?
- No. Why would you think that?
239
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,116
Tramps.
240
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,311
Hey wait, officer,
we need a ride home.
241
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:04,679
Damn.
242
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,030
Who does he think he is,
calling us tramps?
243
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,271
Yeah. I resent that.
244
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:13,274
I mean, must a girl wear underwear
to get respect in this town?
245
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,476
I mean, why do men call us tramps?
246
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,233
Because they're morons.
247
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,675
I mean, men are the real tramps.
248
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,992
They'll do it for anyone,
any time, any place.
249
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,036
For instance, I was walking home from
a date through the cemetery...
250
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,874
...and I heard these people wailing:
251
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,712
"Oh, Grandpa. Oh, Grandpa."
252
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,791
And everybody's weeping
and everything.
253
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,473
And then I hear this guy go:
254
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,790
"Hooters at 5 o'clock."
255
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,670
And so everyone turns
to look at me...
256
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,869
...the pallbearers drop the casket,
Grandpa's head comes rolling out...
257
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,195
It was a railroad accident.
258
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,148
- and men from the funeral
come running up to me going:
259
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,949
"God, I love Grandpa.
Let's do it in his casket."
260
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,516
Men are tramps.
261
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:04,914
Yeah, they sure are.
262
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:08,908
And we do not, as rumoured,
spend our lives on our backs.
263
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,518
Hey, isn't that
the constellation Orion?
264
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,558
I can't tell. Wait a second.
265
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,231
Yup, it is.
266
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,953
Pretty.
267
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,354
- There's a car. Hey.
- Hi.
268
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,872
Come on, stop.
269
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,758
Hi, Kelly.
270
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,079
I know you've been punished...
271
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,558
...because you had to spend
the last hour Ralph-less.
272
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,876
But being that I'm a forgiving guy...
273
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,038
...l'm willing to let you hop in...
274
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,596
...and partake in the nectar that is I.
275
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,831
Hey, how about this.
276
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,516
I'm with my friends,
so why don't we all go into the field...
277
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,073
...and we can fight over you.
278
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:02,068
You know, pull each other's hair and
roll around until our dresses ride up...
279
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,072
...or get ripped to shreds
or something?
280
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:08,876
Well, I guess
I'm Ralph enough for three.
281
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,956
Oh, wait. And Ralph...
282
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,077
...why don't you
pull your pants down.
283
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,953
You know, to further fire our ardour?
284
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,714
All right. But hold
each other's hands.
285
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,520
I don't want anyone
to get frightened.
286
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:32,273
All right, here comes
a big slice of heaven.
287
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,913
Hey, stupid tramps.
That's not the field.
288
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,639
That's my car.
289
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,429
And that is not even
Ralph enough for one.
290
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,076
So long, sucker.
291
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,074
Wait a second.
How am I supposed to get home?
292
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,551
Walk in these, butthead.
293
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,553
Hey, buddy...
294
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,353
...how's it going?
295
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,431
My car broke down.
296
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,351
So, what are you so happy about?
297
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,194
Because it broke down
on my way home from the date.
298
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,590
I just got me some.
299
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,393
Well, I was out with this girl...
300
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,353
...I bought her popcorn,
took her to the movies, everything.
301
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,798
She wouldn't put out.
Some tramp named Kelly Bundy.
302
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,229
- So I guess it was her loss, huh?
- Definitely.
303
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,989
Well, I better get on home.
304
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,391
I just got the measles
and I'm really contagious.
305
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,354
Consider that a present from Kelly.1
00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:17,494
All right, honey.
2
00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:20,737
Now, let's try
a little bit harder word.
3
00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,090
How about "dog"?
4
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,894
Come on, honey,
I know you can do it.
5
00:01:27,180 --> 00:01:28,659
Okay.
6
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:39,492
D.
7
00:01:42,740 --> 00:01:45,334
O? Okay.
8
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:48,977
"Og."
9
00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:53,055
Dog.
10
00:01:56,380 --> 00:01:57,699
G.
11
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:01,134
G? Well, why don't you
finish the rest?
12
00:02:01,340 --> 00:02:03,535
"Gee, she's stupid."
13
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,571
Let's see you finish the word,
smarty-pants.
14
00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:11,691
Oh, "dog."
15
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,614
Like in "dogmatic."
16
00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:15,856
Oh, of course.
17
00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:27,294
Hey, Kel. You look kind of puzzled.
Someone ask you to spell "dog"?
18
00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:32,895
Oh, my God, they did.
19
00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:35,332
Let me see what we got in the mail.
20
00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:40,056
Bills, bills, bills.
21
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,410
Letter from Al's mother.
22
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,656
Bills, bills.
23
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:47,738
Here, honey, go play with these.
24
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,095
Now, this is what
I've been waiting for.
25
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,810
Bud's invitation to
the Oldest Virgins in America Club?
26
00:02:57,580 --> 00:03:00,811
No. It's a letter
from the Board of Education.
27
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:03,898
An application
to send little Seven to school.
28
00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:07,455
Oh, cool.
I can help him with his studies...
29
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:10,254
...because I be
a high school graduate.
30
00:03:11,180 --> 00:03:14,809
Yes, honey, and we be
very proud of you.
31
00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:16,733
Actually, I requested this...
32
00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:19,932
...because just the other day,
I saw the school bus go by...
33
00:03:20,140 --> 00:03:23,132
...and I felt what every mother
feels deep inside:
34
00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:27,618
Those bus drivers are getting younger
and cuter every year.
35
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:31,570
So while I was taking
my oh-so-cold shower...
36
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:35,978
...I thought, "Gee, maybe I should just
send Seven to school."
37
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:37,499
Let's see here.
38
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,213
"Age."
39
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,371
Thirty...
40
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,012
Twenty-eight.
41
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,975
Mom? I think they mean
Seven's age.
42
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,860
I thought they'd want mine on here
for the traditional...
43
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,979
..."mommy takes bus driver to dinner,
dancing and Jacuzzi" interlude.
44
00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:57,698
Come here, honey.
45
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:02,775
When's your birthday, Seven?
46
00:04:03,380 --> 00:04:04,779
I don't know.
47
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:06,936
Well, didn't you ever
have a birthday party?
48
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,693
No.
49
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:12,616
Well, we're gonna fix that
right now...
50
00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:15,658
...because I want you
to have birthdays, schooling...
51
00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:18,852
...vaccinations, friends, a future.
52
00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:22,052
Everything the authorities
wanted Kelly and Bud to have.
53
00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:26,689
So we're gonna pick you out a birthday
and then have a party.
54
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:30,609
Now, it has to be a very special day
that no one else celebrates.
55
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:34,813
Let's see. How about January 22nd?
56
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,575
That's my birthday, Mom.
57
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,014
Really?
58
00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:42,610
Oh, well. Okay. November 27th.
59
00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:44,778
That's mine.
60
00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:46,898
Really?
61
00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:48,738
Well, this is hard.
62
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:51,090
How about December 25th?
63
00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:53,854
Mom, that's Christmas.
64
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:57,533
Yeah, but at least
it's nobody's birthday.
65
00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:04,739
What?
66
00:05:05,860 --> 00:05:07,657
All right. How about tomorrow?
67
00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:10,658
- Nothing is happening tomorrow.
- I don't think so.
68
00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:12,771
Okay. That settles it.
69
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:16,290
Tomorrow is Seven's birthday.
70
00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:27,772
Hi, honey. Do you know
what tomorrow is?
71
00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,858
Well, yes.
72
00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:32,137
Yes, I do.
73
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:35,574
And I can't believe
that after all these years...
74
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:38,294
...you remembered my birthday.
75
00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:49,176
Was that your birthday?
76
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:52,895
Well, it's not your birthday anymore.
I just gave it to Seven.
77
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:55,694
What about me?
78
00:05:55,980 --> 00:06:01,259
Al, every night you go to bed whining,
"I wanna die, I wanna die."
79
00:06:01,460 --> 00:06:03,974
And now, all of a sudden,
you want more birthdays?
80
00:06:05,660 --> 00:06:08,458
Oh, honey. All right.
81
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,651
I'll give you the dog's birthday.
82
00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:14,648
You seem to age about seven years
every year anyway.
83
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,977
l... I want a human birthday.
84
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:23,578
Well, then you'll just have to get
on your hind legs and beg for it.
85
00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:27,375
Seven, as part of your
birthday presents...
86
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:30,572
...you can have whatever you want
out of Kelly and Bud's rooms.
87
00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:32,771
Oh, boy!
88
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,935
Well, Kel, there goes
those art photos you took...
89
00:06:36,140 --> 00:06:38,779
...for Stupid Girls in Chains magazine.
90
00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:42,253
Oh, yeah? Well, you can say goodbye
to your "so lifelike...
91
00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:45,577
...you can take her home to meet Mom"
rubber playmate.
92
00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:53,091
Isis!
93
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,536
Isis!
94
00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:57,776
Isis!
95
00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:01,211
Oh, God! Call 911 fast!
96
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:02,979
She's running out of air!
97
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:05,978
Oh, the horror, the horror!
98
00:07:08,140 --> 00:07:11,177
Well, there go your dreams of ever
having any rubber grandchildren.
99
00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:14,571
Hey, look at these pictures.
100
00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:17,219
Gotta go.
101
00:07:18,540 --> 00:07:21,657
You know, Al, I really think
we ought to have some more kids.
102
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:24,010
I think we could get it right
one of these days.
103
00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:28,611
Peg, at my age, I couldn't get it right
if I was with somebody I wanted.
104
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,411
All right, McGrumpy.
105
00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:34,453
I know you're a little down
about this birthday thing...
106
00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:38,494
...and I know I have no power
to get you back up again.
107
00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:42,217
Oh, snookums.
108
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:43,899
Come on, Al.
109
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:47,775
If anybody really cared about your
birthday, what would you have wanted?
110
00:07:47,980 --> 00:07:50,619
Isis. When she was healthy.
111
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,378
Peggy, could you settle
an argument for us?
112
00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:03,655
If someone was eyeing Al, drooling
for his body, would you be mad?
113
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,092
You know, curiously enough,
that happens every day.
114
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:10,610
I just shoo those buzzards away
with my broom.
115
00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:15,132
Then I say, " I don't care what
it smells like, he's not dead yet."
116
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,136
Look, l... I can't help it
if women want me.
117
00:08:18,340 --> 00:08:20,092
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
118
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,213
Stop getting my hair done
and looking killer?
119
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:29,339
Well, you could stop swinging
your buttocks like a common trollop...
120
00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:32,054
...your wedding ring
hidden in your pants...
121
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:35,579
...with that roll of socks.
122
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:42,218
Yeah. Nature's socks, baby.
123
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:46,856
Let me help out here.
124
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:50,457
If you're worried about Jefferson
succumbing to another woman...
125
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,696
...let me put your mind at ease.
126
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,209
He will always be true to you
because, after all...
127
00:08:55,420 --> 00:09:00,289
...why go out for milk when you
got two tiny, empty pints at home?
128
00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:05,059
And why go out for hot dogs...
129
00:09:05,260 --> 00:09:08,696
...when you've got a tiny little
cocktail frank at home?
130
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:16,059
Attached to the whole pig.
131
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,172
I don't go over to her house
and insult her.
132
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:26,253
Gee, what's the matter with him?
133
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,456
Well, he's a shoe salesman.
134
00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:30,139
And he's losing his hair.
135
00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:32,900
And he wouldn't know a shower
if he fell over it.
136
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:36,297
And he has this horrible rash
on his butt.
137
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:40,254
Not that. I mean, why is he so sad?
138
00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:43,057
Do you really care?
139
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:46,659
- No.
- Actually, tomorrow's Seven's birthday.
140
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:48,612
Where's a good place
to have a party?
141
00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:51,015
We generally like to be someplace
where we can...
142
00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:54,457
...toss our garbage on the floor
and not worry about picking it up.
143
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,773
Yes, but rather than having it here...
144
00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:00,893
...why not do something grand
and well within your budget...
145
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,897
...and have it in a public park?
146
00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:07,014
Yeah. A lot of women
like to look at me there.
147
00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:11,657
And here...
148
00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:15,136
...and here...
149
00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:18,650
...and here.
150
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:23,371
Of course. When you flaunt the line
of your leopard underwear...
151
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:26,140
...through your far-too-thin pants...
152
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:28,012
...you're begging for it, mister.
153
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:31,178
And someday, some big woman's
gonna give it to you hard, hard...
154
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,098
...right in the park!
155
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:40,058
Take me home right now
and dance for me.
156
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:44,409
All right, all right. But this time,
don't invite your mom. Okay?
157
00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:48,499
My dancing is an art
and not to be cheapened by:
158
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,133
"That's my son-in-law.
159
00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:53,571
Shake your moneymaker
over to Mommy."
160
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:56,214
You always hated my mother.
161
00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:58,695
No, l... I like dollars, damn it,
not coins.
162
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,892
I'm not a tollbooth,
for God's sakes.
163
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:08,016
Al, would you ever consider
dancing for me?
164
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:11,018
Only at the end of a rope, baby.
165
00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:14,138
You better get it
out of your system...
166
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:17,491
...because I want only smiles tomorrow
at Seven's birthday.
167
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:20,373
Gee, I hope he's not too disappointed
that it's in the park.
168
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,252
The kid is nothing but a stupid hick.
169
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,928
We'll tell him it's Disneyland.
170
00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:30,932
This isn't Disneyland!
171
00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:33,940
Wow, Disneyland!
172
00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:40,212
Oh, and look,
plenty of space for parking.
173
00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:44,737
Well, it's time to party.
174
00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:47,137
Who wants a hot dog?
175
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,133
That's good because I got one.
176
00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:50,568
- Me, me.
- Me.
177
00:11:50,780 --> 00:11:54,170
Hold it now! Hold it now! You know
the rules. You don't call it for it.
178
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,652
You fight for it...
179
00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:59,932
...which is why we Bundys might be
maladjusted, but we are strong.
180
00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:04,218
Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
181
00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:07,734
Well, between you and me,
I'm celebrating my birthday...
182
00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:10,977
...but nobody knows
because my wife took it away from me.
183
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,374
Interesting tale. But meaningless.
184
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:17,777
You see, I rented this entire park
for my son Brian's birthday party.
185
00:12:17,980 --> 00:12:20,892
So take your pathetic weenie
and go elsewhere.
186
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,895
Does everyone know, Al?
187
00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:30,697
Now, listen here, buddy...
188
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,531
...you cannot buy a public park.
189
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,617
I pay good taxes
to support this place.
190
00:12:35,820 --> 00:12:37,697
Al, you haven't paid taxes in years.
191
00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:40,653
And I would feel
quite the fool right now if I had.
192
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:45,490
Look, our party is due to start.
Don't make me throw you out bodily.
193
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:49,134
Peg...
194
00:12:49,540 --> 00:12:51,895
...would you please
hold my weenie?
195
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,898
Well, what'll I do
with my other four fingers?
196
00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:05,573
All right, Goldfinger. Let's rock.
197
00:13:08,140 --> 00:13:11,610
Don't get Phillip mad.
He's a fifth-degree master in kung fu.
198
00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:15,859
Yeah, well, don't get Al mad.
He's a fifth-grade spelling bee winner.
199
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,537
Now, look here. I may not be rich...
200
00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:25,812
...or happy...
201
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:27,817
...but I know this is a public park.
202
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:31,092
And in a country of the people,
by the people and for the people...
203
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:35,737
...there's gotta be a place set aside
for scum like us.
204
00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:57,613
This isn't so bad, kids.
205
00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:00,050
Just because we
don't get to use the whole park...
206
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:01,938
...don't mean we can't have fun.
207
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,370
Bud, go long.
208
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:12,254
Gee, Dad. Touchdown.
209
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:16,850
Kelly, extra-point time.
210
00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:18,413
Come on.
211
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,533
Yes! Yes!
212
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:26,774
This sucks.
213
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:28,734
No kidding.
214
00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:31,408
Why aren't you people
having any fun?
215
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:35,579
Aren't you tired
of only celebrating my birthdays?
216
00:14:36,260 --> 00:14:42,051
You know, that sit-down dinner for 300
of my closest friends at Cafe Poof...
217
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:44,012
...where the guest of honour, moi...
218
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:48,498
...gets to eat scrambled eggs
off the chests of exotic male dancers.
219
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:52,928
I didn't invite you?
220
00:14:53,140 --> 00:14:54,414
By the looks of your faces...
221
00:14:54,620 --> 00:14:58,738
...I realize it's because you
would only have brought me down.
222
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:02,535
But let's make this party
the best party in the park.
223
00:15:05,380 --> 00:15:06,938
Well, maybe the second-best party.
224
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,574
The rich people hired
the Blue Angels.
225
00:15:09,820 --> 00:15:11,970
Hey, look, they're skywriting.
226
00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:13,738
"Happy birthday, Brian.
227
00:15:13,940 --> 00:15:17,410
This is costing your dad $50,000.
228
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:20,851
And why not? You're the best kid
in the whole world.
229
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:24,177
And we're not just writing that
because we're being paid.
230
00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:25,813
We mean it, really.
231
00:15:26,020 --> 00:15:28,614
May God bless you and keep you.
232
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,939
And don't forget,
we also do weddings.
233
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:37,250
Except in April when we're booked
for the Peggy Bundy birthday bash."
234
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:40,774
Hi, boys!
235
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,655
Every kid at school has skywriting.
236
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,339
You don't love me anymore.
237
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:47,849
Yes, I do, son. Look at this.
238
00:15:51,220 --> 00:15:53,051
Hey, boys and girls.
239
00:15:53,740 --> 00:15:55,412
Hi, Peggy.
240
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:58,255
Frank, is that you in there?
241
00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,859
Hi.
242
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,529
See you in April.
243
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,652
Now, kids, Brian's dad
paid me a lot of money...
244
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:08,535
...to break my leg for Brian
on his birthday.
245
00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:11,937
And it hurts real bad.
246
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:16,969
Come on, kids,
it's time for shrimp cocktail.
247
00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:20,337
They're eating shrimp, kids.
248
00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:22,019
That's fish.
249
00:16:22,220 --> 00:16:24,256
Nothing says party like pork.
250
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:26,337
And I'll do the slicing.
251
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,974
- Hey, now, watch it now!
- Give me a piece.
252
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,214
Well, I guess we're a
two-hot-dog family now.
253
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,933
Wait a second, now.
254
00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:47,608
Before everybody but me eats...
255
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:49,931
...let's give thanks.
256
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:55,689
Dogs are busy today.
257
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:00,252
Amen.
258
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:01,775
Dig in.
259
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,369
All right, well,
who has the mustard?
260
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:09,570
Let's see.
Salt, pepper, ketchup, condom.
261
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:26,013
All right.
262
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:30,259
Now, Seven,
I've got dessert for you.
263
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:33,928
Noogie, noogie, noogie.
264
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,175
Koosh, koosh, koosh.
265
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,610
Yum, yum, yummy!
266
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,534
She never "noogie, noogied" us.
267
00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:42,732
Never "kooshed" us, either.
268
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:46,734
Well, she "yum, yummed" me once
in high school.
269
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:50,648
And to think, I spelled "dog"
for that woman...
270
00:17:50,860 --> 00:17:52,293
...and we're the forgotten ones.
271
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,253
We're the Titos
of the Jackson family.
272
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:56,654
It's unfair.
273
00:17:56,860 --> 00:17:59,090
Nobody asked us
if we wanted this stupid kid.
274
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:03,055
Well, don't feel bad, honey. Nobody
asked me if I wanted you two guys.
275
00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:07,174
All I'm saying is I can't believe
he's getting Mom's love.
276
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,648
He's not even a real Bundy.
277
00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:10,653
He's no kind of Bundy.
278
00:18:10,860 --> 00:18:12,612
Bundy's a name you earn.
279
00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,335
Our emotional scars run so deep,
you can almost see them.
280
00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:18,013
Yup, it's a point of pride.
281
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:21,053
Ever since the day the first Bundy
stepped off the Mayflower...
282
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:22,932
...halfway over.
283
00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:26,015
Never found him, but they recorded
his final words:
284
00:18:26,260 --> 00:18:28,251
"Methinks we're here."
285
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:32,534
Pioneers like that and ourselves,
we're the real Bundys.
286
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,334
Why, that kid never suffered
any real rejection.
287
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:36,495
Not until he's heard:
288
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,298
"The service entrance is in back."
289
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:42,772
Or, "Or not even for 50 bucks."
290
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,732
Yeah, or, "Don't ruin it by talking."
291
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:47,738
Right. Right.
292
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,892
And until that time, he's just another
human being with a future.
293
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,772
Never be a real Bundy.
294
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:56,413
Oh, kids, look.
295
00:18:56,620 --> 00:19:00,090
Seven's playing pinata
with the other kids.
296
00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:03,894
Keep him in here...
297
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,499
...where he belongs.
298
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:09,494
This birthday stinks.
I wanna go home.
299
00:19:09,740 --> 00:19:11,617
Me too. Let's go.
300
00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:14,380
Not just yet.
301
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:27,728
Excuse me.
302
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:29,339
What do you think you're doing?
303
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:31,895
You're not allowed
out of the doody area.
304
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,328
Only we're allowed out here.
305
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,098
Read this permit, pal.
306
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:41,493
Bud, show the man
what Bundys think of permits.
307
00:19:56,460 --> 00:20:00,453
You could have saved me a little bit.
I didn't get no hot dog, you know?
308
00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:05,935
Anyway, the kid here
wants a crack at your pinata.
309
00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:09,690
- Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. Hold on.
- And I want one of them burgers.
310
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:12,858
And I reclaim this park
for the people!
311
00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:15,574
And I reclaim this hot dog
for the people...
312
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,657
...and this steak for the people.
313
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,379
That's mine! That's it!
314
00:20:19,580 --> 00:20:21,138
Eat hot Gucci, pal.
315
00:20:26,260 --> 00:20:28,569
You know, buddy,
it seems your foot is stuck.
316
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,018
I'll give you 100 bucks if you let go.
317
00:20:31,260 --> 00:20:33,728
Take it, Al. Take it.
318
00:20:36,420 --> 00:20:38,809
Nobody gave me
a birthday present...
319
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:41,329
...so I guess I'll give myself one.
320
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:44,096
Happy birthday, Al.
321
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:55,774
Come on, kids.
Let's kick some rich butt.
322
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,651
You're ruining my party,
you baboon.
323
00:21:16,180 --> 00:21:19,013
I'm proud to call that baboon
my daddy.
324
00:21:26,380 --> 00:21:27,415
Family meeting!
325
00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:40,414
In the name of Bundys
all over the world...
326
00:21:40,620 --> 00:21:44,010
...I declare this party
open to the people!
327
00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:46,410
Peg, grab all the food
so no one else gets it...
328
00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:48,258
...and grab the presents for Seven.
329
00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:50,976
Dad, did you see Seven
slug that kid?
330
00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:53,057
He's a mean little booger.
331
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:57,733
Yeah, and who knows,
he might even prove to be stupid too.
332
00:21:58,020 --> 00:21:59,373
I think he's a real Bundy.
333
00:21:59,620 --> 00:22:04,250
Me too. I declare Seven
an official Bundy!
334
00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:06,530
Can I get a unified "Whoa, Bundy"?
335
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:10,016
Whoa, Bundy!1
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,711
What time is it?
2
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:24,109
- Three-thirty.
- A.m. or b.m.?
3
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,352
B.m.
4
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,355
You know, I don't know why
they call it b.m.
5
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,950
I mean, why don't they call it p.m.
for "postmeridian"?
6
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,835
God, sometimes I feel
like I am the last bastion...
7
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,794
...of good sense on this forsaken
outpost of humanity.
8
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,594
By the way, are my shoes
on the right feet?
9
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,796
- No.
- Oh, so that's why they hurt.
10
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,600
- Where's Mom?
- She's out with Seven.
11
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,758
He sneezed, Mom panicked
and she took him to the doctor.
12
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,635
Doctor? She never took us
to the doctor.
13
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,637
I had a 109-degree temperature
and all she did was bleach my hair.
14
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,919
It's because her Mom always told her,
"Bleach a cold, raise a beaver."
15
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,949
Gee, I thought it was,
"Feed a pimple, raise a troll."
16
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,914
My little sweetness.
17
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,350
Look, honey, it's Al's children.
18
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,960
Hi, Mom. Everything go all right?
19
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,798
Oh, God, what an ordeal.
20
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,195
I took Seven to a dozen specialists.
21
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,198
They all agreed he just sneezed.
22
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,834
You can't put a price
on that kind of news.
23
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,874
Of course, those doctors sure did,
but I guess I just overreacted.
24
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,957
I won't make that mistake again.
25
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,916
Get out of my house.
26
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,840
Get out of here
before you infect this child.
27
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,600
Mom, it was just a feather
on the end of my nose.
28
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,394
Well, that's what they said
when the Black Plague started.
29
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:11,196
Now, I'll have none of that here.
Just wait outside till it passes.
30
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,157
Gee, Bud,
sometimes life's a girl, huh?
31
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,596
And I want you out too.
32
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,439
- Why me?
- You were talking to Bud.
33
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,074
You might have been infected.
34
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,349
Mom. It's freezing out there.
35
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,755
Gee, then I better shut the door.
36
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,950
Oh, hi, Buck. We're home.
37
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,832
Now you can play with Seven.
38
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,759
Oh, my God, I'd better sneeze.
39
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,430
I can just feel the mommy in me.
40
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,356
- You'll talk to Mom about letting us in?
- Yeah, sure.
41
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,672
Hi, Daddy. I had a question,
but Mommy said to ask you.
42
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,598
Where do babies come from?
43
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:29,235
Well, generally speaking,
a six-pack and two horny teenagers.
44
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,233
He's only kidding.
45
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,477
He really has no idea.
46
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,998
Now, go play with Daddy's pennies,
but don't lose any.
47
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,431
- They're for our retirement.
- Okay.
48
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,078
Daddy, what's retirement?
49
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:52,159
It's what men do when they die
and women do when they marry.
50
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,634
Oh, honey, feeling a little glum?
51
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,193
Well, this will cheer you up.
52
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,995
You know you're always saying that
if I want money I should get it myself?
53
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,715
Well, today I needed money
to pay Seven's doctor bills.
54
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,388
Get ready to be proud of me.
55
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,355
All by myself, I took cash
that was sitting doing nothing...
56
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:16,949
...out of that pretty red envelope.
57
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,674
You mean, the one in the mailbox...
58
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:23,589
...that was addressed to
our mortgage company, Eviction Trust?
59
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,799
Well, I wouldn't know about that.
60
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,117
When I open envelopes not addressed
to me, I just take the money.
61
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,799
But I never read them.
62
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,673
I feel that would be an invasion
of privacy.
63
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,552
And yet you have no problem
living in my bedroom.
64
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,199
Peg, don't you see,
the envelope was a pretty red one...
65
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,757
...because the bank is a little mad at us
because we haven't paid in months.
66
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,793
But on the good side, we'll be moving
to a roomier space now.
67
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,434
It goes by the name "outside."
68
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,390
Are we ever gonna be let back
in the house?
69
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,398
No, kids. None of us are.
70
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,831
For, you see, Mommy spent
all of our mortgage money.
71
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,390
Well, Al, you'll just have
to do something.
72
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,239
All right. I will.
73
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,835
I want my mommy!
74
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,992
I don't want no excuses.
I want that 5 bucks you owe me.
75
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,033
I don't care.
I'll see you in prison, Mom.
76
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,435
Deadbeat.
77
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,798
Gotta get a second job.
I gotta get something to pay for all this.
78
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:32,236
All right, here we go.
79
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:38,833
Hey, Al. Came over to borrow some ice,
but I'll just chip it off your kids.
80
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,638
The want ads.
Husband's second worst fear.
81
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,115
The first of course is hearing,
"Oh, God!
82
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,471
What am I supposed to do with that?
It scares me."
83
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,116
But you get over that fear
after a thousand women have said it.
84
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,356
- Jefferson, let me ask you something.
- What?
85
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,790
How does Marcie let you get away
with not working?
86
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,560
Well, Al, I'll tell you.
Whenever the subject comes up...
87
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:08,676
...I just give her a ride
on the old Jefferson Airplane.
88
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,112
Yep. Yep.
89
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,750
- Help us.
- I can't. I'm a Republican.
90
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,678
Well, hey, here's my little
frequent flier now.
91
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,717
Jefferson, where have you been?
92
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,275
You know what a difficult day
I was going to have...
93
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,472
...and all I asked was for you
to fix me a bath and some supper...
94
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,433
...and serve it to me
in your bicycle shorts.
95
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,232
- But you did absolutely nothing.
- Nothing?
96
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,193
Do you think that my skin
is naturally this smooth?
97
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,675
It takes work, baby.
98
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,552
Hey, that is pretty smooth.
99
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,830
Hey, you wanna tell Peg
what you're using here?
100
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,474
Oh, this is intoxicating.
101
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,670
- Thanks, Al.
- Well, thank you.
102
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,029
Oh, please. Now, listen, missy.
103
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,990
I am through
paying for your fanny buffs.
104
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,152
Do you mind getting your hands
off my husband.
105
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:25,236
And you. It's time you got your little
apple butt in gear and got a job.
106
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,189
Well, why don't we talk about this
at home, Marcie.
107
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:32,154
Hearken. I think I hear your flight
boarding right now.
108
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,511
We'll have you strapped in
in a minute, baby.
109
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,595
Oh, well, all right.
110
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,636
But we are gonna talk
about this job thing.
111
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,037
Oh, yeah. Feel this, Marcie.
112
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,830
Oh, my goodness.
113
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,511
What was I saying?
114
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,798
Well, it couldn't
have been important.
115
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,151
Listen, I'm gonna go home
and get ready for takeoff.
116
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,515
Get a wax, baby.
117
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,870
You never look back.
118
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,230
All right, let's see here.
119
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,875
"No education, no experience
and no drive necessary."
120
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,839
Now, what kind of stupid job
could that...
121
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,190
Oh, yeah, a shoe salesman.
122
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:30,350
Hey, here's one:
"Bartender in a topless bar."
123
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,632
Well, I think I could handle that.
124
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:38,750
All it takes is a little maturity,
and as we know, I am a mature man.
125
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,395
I'm gonna see boobies.
126
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,551
Hi. You the boss?
127
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,268
Yeah.
128
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,119
What can I do for you, sweet cheeks?
129
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:09,435
Well, for one thing, you can look
at my face when you're talking to me.
130
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,950
And for another,
I'm here for the bartending job.
131
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,199
You'll do.
132
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,833
You'll do just fine.
133
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,750
Hot doggy!
134
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,351
When do all the topless babes
get here?
135
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,759
Oh, my God, it's not you, is it?
136
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,350
No, it's not me.
137
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,312
It's you.
138
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,679
Hey, bartender, let's hurry up
with those drinks!
139
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,198
He's shy.
140
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,233
Let's see it, baby. Honk, honk.
141
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,913
Well, if you've got it, trot it.
142
00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,588
What's your temperature?
143
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,472
This long.
144
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,831
Kel, that's not how you do it.
It's not how long it is.
145
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,198
Yeah, right.
146
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,355
Or how smart it is.
147
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,434
Let's see what the thermometer says.
148
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,032
Kelly, this is a meat thermometer.
149
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,550
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I'm not a fish.
150
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,592
You don't look so good.
You're not gonna pass out, are you?
151
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,472
No.
152
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,034
Mom, I think Kelly passed out
from her fever.
153
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,514
Oh, my.
154
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,508
Well, after I feed Seven,
I'll bleach her hair.
155
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,832
How does it feel, Peg?
156
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,397
To get for free what every other woman
in Chicago has to pay for.
157
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,348
Go ahead, touch it, Peg.
158
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,470
Touch the tush
that set Chicago afire.
159
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,277
Well, if you don't mind.
160
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,832
And now on to you, honey.
161
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:54,239
Tell me, is that money
in your pants or are you...?
162
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,839
Well, let's face it.
163
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,759
It could only be money.
164
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:05,193
Yep. There's another kind of green
in my underwear now, Peg.
165
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,110
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God, Al.
166
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,197
After all these years
of experimenting...
167
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,915
...you've finally found something to do
with your pelvic area.
168
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,679
Wait, Peg, there's more.
169
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,038
Oh, Al, you've been
saying that for years.
170
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,879
I think it's time we just dropped
the senseless charade.
171
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,039
- But it's fine, honey. Really it is.
- It's better than fine, Peg.
172
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,356
It gives change.
173
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,874
Peg. Yeah, I feel good. Yeah, I do.
174
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,278
I quit my shoe job, Peg.
175
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,072
No time for it, really.
176
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,679
Don't regret the shoe business.
177
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,997
'Twas a pleasant little interlude
until I found my true calling:
178
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,760
Shakin' Al Junior and the...
179
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,552
...Pips.
180
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:05,190
You know, Al, I'm not sure,
but I think I might have just had one.
181
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,079
Hey.
182
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,633
Mary.
183
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,398
Doris.
184
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,828
Beth.
185
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,396
Al, these are other women's
phone numbers.
186
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,999
I don't know if I like this.
187
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,989
Do I see the redheaded
monster of jealousy?
188
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,153
Well, I don't know.
189
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,634
Should I be jealous?
190
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:31,909
Well...
191
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,838
...yes.
192
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,675
I mean, look what
they're all seeing, Peg.
193
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:41,351
The same thing God saw when he said,
"Let there be man."
194
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,473
But, Peg, as ugly as these women are,
I still come home to you.
195
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,229
I don't know, honey.
196
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,750
I love this money,
and I know those women are ugly...
197
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,599
...but, you know, the truth is,
I'm not a very good wife.
198
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,597
I don't do anything for you.
199
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,634
I mean, what if these other women
finally started paying attention to you?
200
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,991
It's a long shot,
but I can't take that chance.
201
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,474
I want you to quit.
202
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,514
Oh, Peg.
It's hard to tell these to quit.
203
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,073
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
204
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,317
I just had a Village People flashback.
205
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,390
People pay to see me like this.
206
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,830
Oh, okay, so will I.
207
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,678
Here's a dollar.
208
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,916
Sing "YMCA."
209
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,954
No, wait, here's $2.
210
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,470
Put a shirt on.
I can't stand to see you topless.
211
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,399
Well, at least people know
when I'm topless.
212
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,878
My back has bigger breasts than you.
213
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,558
No, your front
has bigger breasts than me.
214
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,435
You leave my Alsy alone.
215
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,757
He has to dress like this
for his second job.
216
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,996
Second job?
217
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:11,159
Jefferson, don't you think it's time
you got a first job?
218
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,828
Okay, Marcie, come on.
Let's go do the "Oh, Jefferson."
219
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,998
Fine. Oh, Jefferson, get a job.
220
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,474
You may be cuter than I am...
221
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,638
...but it's time you started pulling
your own weight around here.
222
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,115
I mean, if I wanted peanuts,
I'd fly Delta.
223
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,278
Look, Al, you gotta help me.
224
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,913
Well, all right, all right.
225
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,475
When you're with Marcie,
shut your eyes real tight...
226
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,069
...and picture one of the Golden Girls.
227
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,148
That ought to be a step up from reality.
228
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,592
Thanks, Al. I'll do that.
But I'm talking about this work thing.
229
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,836
I mean, I'd die. I'd just die...
230
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,998
...if I had to give up my prime 2 p.m.
manicure appointment.
231
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,872
If I miss even one...
232
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,799
...I just know some damn woman's
gonna scarf it up.
233
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,318
So you're the bitch with 2:00.
234
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,795
You know, I've been wondering
who that blond was...
235
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,355
...Eduardo is so in love with.
236
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:13,233
Dad, now that you've discussed Mom
and our stupid neighbour's problems...
237
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,477
...think you could pull a dollar out
so we could have some aspirin?
238
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,077
Son, are you here?
239
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,992
Jefferson...
240
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,118
...I might be able to find you
something and at night.
241
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,596
- Yeah?
- Peg. You gotta feel this.
242
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,353
Well, of course it's soft, Al.
He's Eduardo's pet.
243
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,438
Well, I'm just trying to tell you
that it's enchanting.
244
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,837
Gee, Al, you sure know how
to make a man feel good.
245
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,033
Well, it's easy when I'm around you.
246
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,479
- Hey, the Bears are playing tonight.
- Yeah, that football. What a game, huh?
247
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:57,955
- Anyway.
- Yeah?
248
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,639
You stick with me tonight...
249
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,072
...and you'll see the Dalai Lama of guy
do his thing.
250
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:38,473
Oh, hey. Remember, ladies,
I do weddings and bar mitzvahs.
251
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,755
- Yes, ma'am.
- Could you give this to the cute one?
252
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,750
Why, if you were a woman, I'd...
253
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,429
Did you get any more phone numbers,
Mr. Casanova Bundy?
254
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,317
Well, Peg, I was thinking about
what you were saying...
255
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:23,195
...you know about being
jealous and all and...
256
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,630
So for you...
257
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,400
...I gave up my topless career.
258
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:33,279
And wrote "go home" on my chest.
259
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,311
You got fired, huh?
260
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,228
Yes, I did.
261
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:45,956
Jefferson took all my women,
and now there's nothing in my pants.
262
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,796
You have no money,
and you want me to console you?
263
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,798
God, what a woman you are.
264
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,194
Well, Al, I have some good news
and some bad news.
265
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,913
It's not a good time now, Peg.
266
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,348
I understand.
267
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,155
Anyhow, Seven coughed,
so I took him to several doctors.
268
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,475
Specialists, actually.
269
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,477
The good news is he's fine.
270
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:13,309
But the bad news is
those specialists were very expensive.
271
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,034
But don't worry, honey,
I took care of it myself.
272
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,071
I just took money
out of that envelope...
273
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,431
...that you were gonna use
for your car insurance.
274
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,110
Damn Dodge.
275
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,592
Gee, honey,
that might have been your Dodge.
276
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,554
Well, maybe I can get
my old job back.
277
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,070
Unbelievably enough,
the position has not been filled.
278
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,793
Oh, my God,
I'm a shoe salesman again.
279
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,712
Oh, Al.
280
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,514
Well, honey,
if it's any comfort at all...
281
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:56,236
...no matter how bad it gets,
at least you won't be alone.1
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,111
Peg, you're down here.
2
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:24,389
I must've been dreaming you ran off
with that dwarf down at the bookstore...
3
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,797
...and that I'm living in sin
with a Playmate centrefold...
4
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,275
...and her eight roommates...
5
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,552
...who can speak, but choose not to.
6
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,314
Al, that is so insulting.
7
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,030
You know, you sound as if you think
women have nothing interesting to say.
8
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,073
That is so untrue.
Take me, for example.
9
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,113
I have lots of interesting
observations to share.
10
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,675
For instance,
who but me would tell you...
11
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,472
...that your teeth have evolved...
12
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,958
...into the same lovely shade
of yellow as your underwear?
13
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:04,551
Or that you have 10 times more
hair in your nose than on your head?
14
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,238
Or that over the years you have
shrunk several inches in height.
15
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,034
Gee, I... I wonder where they went.
16
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,157
There they are.
17
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,632
Which reminds me, Al.
18
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,876
- I want sex.
- So do I...
19
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,833
...but I see no reason
to drag you into it.
20
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,959
Al, there is nothing happening
in our bedroom.
21
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,913
Well, Peg, if it's working, don't fix it.
22
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,753
Al, this isn't normal.
23
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,996
Everybody else has sex.
24
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,714
Everybody else has sex.
25
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,070
What are you doing,
looking in windows?
26
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,029
Yes, I do.
27
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,754
And everybody else has sex.
28
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,396
Oh, God, I'm exhausted.
29
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,672
Sex, sex, sex all night long.
30
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,793
I know.
31
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,199
I told you I saw someone
doing the wave.
32
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,708
Coffee, Marcie?
33
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,273
I'd offer Jefferson some...
34
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,870
...but he doesn't need
anything to keep him going.
35
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,952
Well, Peggy, you seem grumpy.
36
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,752
That could mean two things:
37
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,428
You're not getting any...
38
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,960
...or even worse, you are.
39
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,037
The big goose egg.
40
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,312
- Again, that could mean two things.
- Oh, Marcie.
41
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,033
I don't know what happened.
42
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,196
Al used to be so passionate.
43
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:39,076
All I had to do was undo a button,
show some skin, and he was ready.
44
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:44,149
Yeah. Time was it was enough to be
naked in a car with music playing.
45
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,591
I could get any man that walked by.
46
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:52,110
Well, that is, if it was late enough.
47
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,030
But now men need all the help
we can give them.
48
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,755
I mean, think of men's sexual lives
like on a graph.
49
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,997
Their prowess increases to a peak...
50
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,077
...then they hit a certain age and:
51
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,238
Look at them talking about me again.
52
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,077
You know, it's easy to complain.
We're the ones that do all the work.
53
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,716
Many's the time I've thought, "Oh,
I'd like to just lay there, you know...
54
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:21,549
...and occasionally toss out
an, 'Oh, baby, oh, baby."'
55
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,635
You'd think my natural beauty would be
enough just to look at me, you know.
56
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:31,072
I mean, you don't ask
the statue of David to move a little.
57
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:36,837
Yep, it's a crime how men
get handsomer and women just age.
58
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:41,397
Oh, and sure, I 'd get excited too
if I was going to bed with me.
59
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,914
Well, no such luck.
60
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:49,078
Oh, time was I used to have
to think about baseball...
61
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,599
...just to slow things down.
62
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,554
Now I just wanna
think about baseball.
63
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,150
How many times can you
have sex with your hands like this:
64
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,433
Look, they're talking
about me again.
65
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,393
But you get used to it.
66
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,313
You know, Marcie,
that was really a wild nightgown...
67
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,794
...you had on last night.
68
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,274
Can I see it sometime?
69
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,318
No. Jefferson ate it.
70
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,798
- Oh, it was one of those edible things.
- No, but he was hungry...
71
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,911
...and we didn't wanna stop.
72
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,236
That's a nice button.
It goes with my zipper...
73
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,159
...that I found in my burrito
at Illegal Pete's.
74
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,278
God, Marcie, you just seem to have
no problem with Jefferson at all.
75
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,994
Yeah, right. You try fighting him
for the mirror.
76
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,872
But in the bedroom,
I know how to handle a man.
77
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,513
You see, men are like children.
78
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,188
They need to be amused.
They want a show.
79
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:56,075
So you have to dress it up, you know?
Entice them.
80
00:05:56,280 --> 00:06:01,115
I know you look at me and think,
"Marcie, you're a sex goddess.
81
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,631
Surely you need no help."
82
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:09,479
Yeah, I... I was thinking
something like that.
83
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,039
Yes, well, brace yourself.
84
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,798
For even one such as I...
85
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,356
...must resort to costumes
and desperate pleading...
86
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,313
...to have romantic, blinding sex.
87
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,478
What you should do is go down
to Hemphley's Department Store.
88
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,955
They have the best
lingerie department in town.
89
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,596
- Soon Al will be all over you.
- Well, then I better stop...
90
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,360
...and get him some soap
and a toothbrush and...
91
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,393
Oh, and an instruction manual.
92
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,798
Al.
93
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,197
Honey, I wanna
go shopping with Marcie.
94
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,879
Give me money.
95
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,513
No.
96
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,239
Gee, honey, that's too bad.
97
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,477
You know, I was thinking
of getting you a nice juicy steak.
98
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,477
Doesn't that sound good, honey?
99
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,030
Yeah, and Peg, and those...
Those little rolls...
100
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,198
...that when you open them up,
hot comes out.
101
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,834
Well, Al, hot is expensive.
102
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,076
Well, Peg, I've been
saving all my money...
103
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,397
...for the big anniversary issue
of Hooters In High Heels.
104
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,750
You know... You know, it's the issue
that deals with...
105
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,951
...hoo... Hooters
in high heels.
106
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,755
Well, I guess I don't have
to make you a chocolate cake.
107
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,635
Chocolate cak e, chocolate cak e
Eat so much you get a tummy ache
108
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,396
See you tonight, baby.
109
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,638
- He really believes you.
- And why not?
110
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,274
Marriage is a sacred trust.
111
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,869
See you for dinner, sweetheart.
112
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,470
You know, Jefferson,
I hope I made the right decision.
113
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:50,994
Hooters.
114
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,475
Chocolate cake. Hooters.
115
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,352
Chocolate cake.
116
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,834
Decisions, decisions. Well, I guess
that's all part of being an adult.
117
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,314
- Yeah.
- Jefferson?
118
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:02,839
What?
119
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,158
Choco-hooters.
120
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,559
You know, I think there might be
something to that.
121
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,348
Peg.
122
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,278
I'm home.
123
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,509
- Hi, Daddy.
- Yeah, sure.
124
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,479
Go away. I'm gonna eat.
125
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,319
I don't wanna feel bad about
not giving you any.
126
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,353
Before I go, can I ask a question?
127
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,074
What's the difference between
men and women?
128
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:40,632
One works...
129
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,751
...and the other's a woman.
130
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,237
So, Mrs. Darcy is a man?
131
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,032
Yes.
132
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:05,830
Then Mr. Darcy is a woman?
133
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:08,239
Yes.
134
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,429
No wonder you sell shoes.
135
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,313
Yes.
136
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,594
Oh, man, I'm gonna eat.
137
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:46,193
Just like they were 20 years ago
when I bought them.
138
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,558
- Al.
- It is I.
139
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,672
- And I am ready.
- Do you want it, Al?
140
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,711
Oh, I want it.
141
00:09:55,920 --> 00:10:00,198
- Do you need it, Al?
- I need it bad, baby.
142
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,916
Supper's served.
143
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,877
Where is it, Peg?
144
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,155
Where is it, baby?
Don't do this to me.
145
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,113
I'm wearing it, baby.
146
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,032
Well, take it off and fry it up.
I'm starving.
147
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,117
Al, it's not food.
148
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,639
It's just me.
149
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:45,630
But don't worry. I'll make you
forget all about food.
150
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,309
Well, honey,
you've already done that.
151
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,869
Al, can you honestly
look me in the eye...
152
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,310
...and tell me
that this does not turn you on?
153
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:02,308
Well, Peg, I can look you
in the anywhere and say that.
154
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,599
Can't be just me.
155
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,351
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe nobody has sex anymore.
156
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,797
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Bob.
157
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,592
Oh, Fong.
158
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,439
Oh, mailman.
159
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,835
Oh, God. Oh, Jefferson. Oh, God.
160
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,191
Oh, God. Oh, Jefferson. Oh, God.
161
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,468
You hear that, Peg?
Everybody in the neighbourhood...
162
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,148
...but me is eating.
163
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,592
Peg, I don't wanna be here.
164
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,349
I don't feel comfortable
in Undergarment World.
165
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,632
And the idea of you trying them on,
frankly, gives me the jimmies.
166
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,635
Al, just look around and tell me
if you see something you like.
167
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,032
Well, I like that.
168
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,199
Al, that is exactly
what I had on earlier.
169
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,118
No kidding?
170
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,598
Well, what, did you have it on
backwards or something?
171
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,433
So, what do you think, honey?
172
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,358
Well, what difference does it make?
173
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,437
We're married.
174
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,837
Well, maybe if that redhead
over there was wearing it.
175
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,914
Look, Al. Like I have pleaded with you
a thousand times in the bedroom...
176
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,918
...just look around. I'm sure
you'll find something you like.
177
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,634
Peg, I don't belong here.
This is not a place for men.
178
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,630
It's not healthy.
179
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,508
Case in point.
180
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,870
Now, I'm not just in college.
181
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,548
I'm in community college.
182
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,429
I saw this movie where
this mannequin came to life...
183
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,712
...so if you can talk, please do.
184
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,519
Bud.
185
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,073
Oh, my God.
186
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,236
You know my name.
187
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,639
Do you also know what I like?
188
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,432
Bud.
189
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,631
You sound like my mother.
190
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,352
Hi, guys. I was just trying out
some of my lines...
191
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,518
...that I use on my many
human co-ed dates.
192
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,313
Yeah, sure. Like having you guys for
parents had nothing to do with this.
193
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,792
Al, I think you better talk to him.
194
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,117
Well, you have ideas
about what I should say?
195
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,673
No.
196
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,388
Can I help you?
197
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,716
Not unless you can
take me back 20 years...
198
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,878
...and tell me not to marry
a shoe salesman.
199
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,435
Actually, I'd like to exchange
this for something...
200
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,995
...that will definitely
interest my husband.
201
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,272
Well, I don't know.
It would help if I saw your husband.
202
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,517
Never does me.
203
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,271
But brace yourself, there he is.
204
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,796
Here's one that might come in a
little handy, somewhere down the line.
205
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:25,755
I call it the Bundy
one-finger-bra-unhook.
206
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,956
My God. It's got me.
No. Help me, Bud.
207
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,555
Don't panic, Dad.
208
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,753
I mean, old peculiar stranger.
209
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,632
Help me, Bud!
210
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,711
Help me, Bud!
211
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,795
Does nothing please him?
212
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,832
What does a normal woman have to do
to keep her husband interested?
213
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,674
Not a day goes by...
214
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:26,348
...that I don't try to keep him happy.
215
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,115
God, I wish someone
would dust around here.
216
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,832
Hi, Mom.
217
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,232
Not that I really wanna know,
but how'd Dad like the outfit?
218
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,351
Well, he said what he really wanted...
219
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,597
...was the meat that used
to live under this baby.
220
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,308
I give up.
221
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,476
I'd better just resign myself.
222
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,433
I'm just not attractive
to your father anymore.
223
00:15:56,640 --> 00:16:00,474
Although I do excite myself.
224
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,876
But then, I was never the problem.
225
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,438
Well, you're still attractive, Mom.
226
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,200
Dad's just going through one
of those man phases.
227
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,834
I mean, it's probably not
that easy for him anymore.
228
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,759
What is he now? Seventy-five?
229
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,109
Daddy is the same age as I am.
230
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,835
You're 75?
231
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,119
God, you look good.
232
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,912
Thank you.
233
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,073
Oh, but don't get down, Mom.
234
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,316
Lots of guys find you attractive.
235
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,795
Really? Like who?
236
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,912
Well, like my friend
Buffy's grandfather.
237
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,438
All of his other friends
were drooling over Betty White...
238
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,039
...but he wouldn't hear of it.
239
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,038
He said that you were better.
And he was a very wise man, Mom.
240
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,231
He was 103.
241
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,590
You know, till he died.
242
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:53,351
In fact his last words were,
"Peggy hot, Betty not."
243
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,910
Gee, that's very flattering, honey.
244
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,678
- Anyone younger?
- Nope.
245
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,108
- You sure?
- Yep.
246
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,231
- You don't wanna take a minute?
- Nope.
247
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,193
Oh, my God. Then it's true.
248
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,960
It really is Daddy and me
for the rest of our lives.
249
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:15,150
I guess I have no choice
but to go back to that lingerie store...
250
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,157
...and buy something kinky this time.
251
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,872
Okay, if you must. But you shouldn't
work so hard with Daddy.
252
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:26,198
You have to remember,
attraction is a three-way street.
253
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,553
Or is it a one-way tunnel?
254
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,908
In any case, I do know
that it's a four-lane highway...
255
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,554
...and it takes two
to use the car-pool lane.
256
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,311
What I'm trying to say is, what
the younger generation has learned...
257
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,229
...is that there's absolutely nothing
for us to watch on CBS...
258
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,079
...and that you have to be yourself.
259
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,795
A man has to love you for you,
not for some costume.
260
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,195
He has to love who you are inside.
261
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,916
Oh, gosh.
262
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,993
Well, I guess it's back to Hemphley's.
263
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,873
Al.
264
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,718
What?
265
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,436
You can come out of there, Al.
I'm going out.
266
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,355
But will you be back?
267
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,189
Yes. But don't worry.
268
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,198
I'm gonna turn this costume in
and get you food.
269
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,755
No, you won't. It'll just
be another tight outfit...
270
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,428
...showing your skin and scaring me.
271
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,718
That's it now, Peg.
272
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,117
I'm putting my foot down
as the man of this closet.
273
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,755
- No more outfits.
- All right, Al.
274
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,918
No more outfits.
Tomorrow I'll get you food.
275
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,514
I knew it. No food downstairs.
276
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,075
Doesn't bother me at all.
277
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,952
Al not sad.
278
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,597
Come look under the covers, baby.
279
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,355
Now Al sad.
280
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,551
- I'll be in my closet.
- Oh, Al.
281
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,639
There's something under here
that might interest you.
282
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,279
This.
283
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,791
It's a steak, baby.
284
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,639
Doesn't it look good?
285
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,752
I love you.
286
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,915
Who wants a bite
of this nice, delicious steak?
287
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,838
I do, I do, I do.
288
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:40,358
Come and get it, baby.
289
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,514
Good boy.
290
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,837
Is my big boy happy now?
291
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,757
Come here, Al.
292
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,513
No.
293
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:06,948
Well, if you don't...
294
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:11,312
...you're gonna miss out on this.
295
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:18,270
A nice, juicy prime-rib bone.
296
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,878
All right, baby. Time for dessert.
297
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,558
Good boy.
298
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,590
Daddy's home.
299
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,358
What's for dinner, baby?
300
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,193
Nothing, honey.
301
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:01,958
Nut 'n Honey cereal?
302
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,474
No, Al. I mean nothing, honey.
303
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,029
Well... Well, that can't be.
304
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,552
Well, there's nothing appetizing
under there at all.
305
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,316
Now, Peg, if you expect me
to pleasure you...
306
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,193
...l'm gonna need the same
thing that Robert Mitchum needs.
307
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,995
A jowl tightening?
308
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,919
No. Beef, baby. Lay it on me.
309
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,113
Al, do you know
that I cooked 4 hours...
310
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,039
...for that 5 minutes of sex we had?
311
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,071
It's just not worth it.
312
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,517
Well, I... Well, I... I can get better.
313
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,030
I could probably get up
to six minutes.
314
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,437
Oh, honey, it's not that, it's j...
It's just too much trouble.
315
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,039
Oh, yeah?
316
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,071
Well, look at this.
317
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,514
That ought to be worth a pot roast.
318
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,676
Al, it's just not worth it.
319
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,758
- I'll be in the closet.
- I'll get another outfit.
320
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,633
I saw a little black one,
see-through, feathers on the side.
321
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,432
What do you say?
322
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,155
lt'll make my heinie
look like a little apple.
323
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,918
Come on, what do you say?1
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:21,433
Okay. Time for breakfast.
2
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,112
It's one for you...
3
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,949
...one for you, and one for me.
4
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,754
I got an orange star.
5
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:36,350
Hey, my yellow moon's
nothing to scoff at.
6
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:41,073
- No milk?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
7
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,796
What is breakfast
without some nice, cold milk?
8
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,312
Milk residue.
9
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:53,308
Why hold back?
10
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,957
Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.
11
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,515
Let us give thanks.
12
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,120
The pancakes, eggs and steak
were delicious.
13
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:07,799
But I couldn't finish my bacon.
14
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,678
Yours looks delicious.
15
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:20,274
You know, it's really a shame to waste
this nice, beautiful piece of bacon.
16
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,552
I love you both so much
I'm not sure who to give it to.
17
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,911
- Please, Peg, give it to me. Please.
- Give it to me. Me. Me.
18
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,829
I know who I love the best.
19
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,949
Come here, baby.
20
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,638
Well, gee, what was that for, honey?
21
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,956
I want that damn bacon.
22
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,831
Now, open your mouth. I'm going in.
23
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,554
- It's mine, now.
- No, it's magically delicious, Daddy.
24
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,478
It's lucky. I need luck. I'm starving.
25
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,433
- Yeah, but you just ate Mom's breath.
- I don't care.
26
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,839
- Hey, breakfast.
- Bud.
27
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,154
Very nice.
I know what you're all thinking.
28
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,590
Bud got all the brains
and looks in the family.
29
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,153
What does he need food for?
30
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,918
Well, when I get my degree...
31
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,874
...from an accredited
community college, I might add...
32
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,708
...l'll be the one with the Lucky Charms,
my friends...
33
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,708
...and I'll be eating them
out of Miss January's bra cups.
34
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,988
Here's to the future.
35
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,152
How many times do I
have to tell you?
36
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,749
When you're through with the milk,
fill it up again.
37
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,953
Did they ever find this Lindbergh kid?
38
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,358
See, how hard is that?
Now we have milk for tomorrow.
39
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,753
You'd starve if it wasn't for me.
40
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,313
Did something die in here?
41
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,715
That would be me.
42
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,556
It's my new cologne.
My own secret little recipe.
43
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,320
I call it A Touch of Bud.
44
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,790
Well, if anyone knew what a touch
of Bud was, it could only be you.
45
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,594
And nobody does it better.
46
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,917
Sniff it, baby. Drink it in.
47
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,199
I went to the school library...
48
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:35,155
...I got Vogue, Sassy, Seventeen, Lear's
and several other fine periodicals...
49
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,399
...and I cut out those
little fragrance inserts, and voil.
50
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,511
Bud, those are women's scents.
51
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,915
That's why I feel bold,
sassy, yet feminine.
52
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,635
This year I'm gonna get me a babe.
53
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,356
All right now, that's enough.
54
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,915
Soon he'll know we're laughing at him,
not with him.
55
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,795
Why does no one believe
this year's different?
56
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,958
Oh, come on, Bud. Every year
you come up with a different plan.
57
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,515
And every plan ends up
with you going to the prom...
58
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,188
...with a sweater,
putting it on the back of a chair...
59
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,073
...and telling people,
"My date's in the bathroom."
60
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,872
I know that sweater. I used to see it
sitting next to him at the movies.
61
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,832
You remember that one time he brought
the sweater home for dinner?
62
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:32,431
Daddy kept getting so angry because
it wouldn't come out of the bathroom.
63
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,399
Very nice.
64
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,909
Now you two have made him feel bad.
65
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,749
Well, all right, I'll take him out
for some ice cream.
66
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,235
This is not a boo-boo.
67
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,559
Ice cream won't do it.
I want a woman.
68
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:54,150
And "taking him for ice cream" does
not mean going to Baskin Robbins...
69
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,830
...letting me look at all the flavours
and then taking me home.
70
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:05,595
This time maybe I'll get you some free
samples with that little plastic spoon.
71
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,633
I want a cone, damn it.
72
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,348
And a girl.
73
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,869
You hear? A girl, a girl!
74
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:17,119
That's right,
Bud's starting his sophomore year.
75
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,118
Then it must be time for him to say:
76
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:23,359
"This year's gonna be different,"
eh, Bud?
77
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,391
It is. As God is my witness...
78
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,115
...this year there will be
a real girl in the bathroom.
79
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,397
And her sweater will smell
like real girl too.
80
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,239
Not Grandma.
81
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,713
Well, Peggy, I see that
your son is having a crisis.
82
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,672
But do you have a second
to help me out?
83
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:43,949
Sure.
84
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,118
Would you let Al go away
on a fraternity reunion?
85
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,233
You know, there is a question
that comes up every day.
86
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,035
Why, so many of Al's college clubs
and professional societies...
87
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,358
...call him up to lecture,
or just inspire the young.
88
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:03,109
So when Phi Beta Crapper calls...
89
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,076
Oh, you know what? That's right...
90
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,635
...AI didn't go to college.
91
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,592
What was it
you chose instead, honey?
92
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,268
Selling shoes.
93
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,789
And nobody does it better, baby.
94
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,878
Except everyone else who does it.
95
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,630
Gee, I don't regret
not having gone to college...
96
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,434
...because after all,
then I might not have married you.
97
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,232
Then what would've
become of me?
98
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,671
I would probably just lived a...
An empty, meaningless existence...
99
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,668
...ordering hookers and pizza
till I dropped dead...
100
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:38,715
...with a slice in my mouth
and a greasy hooter in my hand.
101
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:44,988
Hey, that's amazing.
102
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,636
You just described the theme
of our frat reunion party.
103
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,159
You're not going.
104
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,669
Oh, come on, Marcie.
It's just good, clean fun.
105
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,314
A bunch of drunken guys
looking at strippers.
106
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,359
And thinking of our wives.
107
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,233
Please.
108
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:08,070
Save your lies for those who think
you're a natural blond.
109
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,434
Don't you think I know anything
about fraternities?
110
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,668
Desperate girls,
coming from everywhere...
111
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,555
...trying anything to land a college man
before he becomes successful...
112
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,389
...and realizes he can get
a much better and bustier girl.
113
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,194
Not that it wasn't fun for me.
114
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,148
Doing anything with anybody.
115
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,558
My once demure dress
lying ripped and forgotten.
116
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,834
As forgotten as I was
when the sun came up.
117
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,555
Jim, you bastard!
Why don't you return my calls?
118
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,593
That was just a composite
of other women's stories.
119
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,916
Well, your girlfriends
are pretty accurate.
120
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:56,114
There is not a girl on earth
that wouldn't do it for a fraternity guy.
121
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,550
Oh, and then after
an incredible night...
122
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,716
...go back to
your high school sweetheart...
123
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,708
...tell him he's the only one
and plan the wedding.
124
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:10,198
Al, I was talking about my friends.
125
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,039
You're the only one, baby.
126
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,152
You too, baby.
127
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,712
All right, sure. There were girls...
128
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,275
...but that wasn't the only part
of a fraternity.
129
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,074
There's so much more.
130
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,748
No, actually, that was it.
131
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,028
That's it. That's what I'm gonna do.
132
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,754
What? Get a picture of Mr. D'Arcy
pasted to your face...
133
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,315
...and wear it to school?
134
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,159
No, human hand wash.
135
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,516
I'm gonna start me a fraternity.
136
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,278
And not just any fraternity.
137
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,711
The coolest fraternity
any community college has ever seen.
138
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,512
We'll have so many college girls...
139
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,792
...Woody Allen will
be knocking down our door.
140
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,271
Yeah. A fraternity.
141
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,869
And we're just gonna take
the cream of the school.
142
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,679
Well, we're all here.
143
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,438
Cream of the school, right, guys?
144
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,673
I'd like to welcome all you members
to the first meeting...
145
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,440
...of Alpha Gonna Get 'Em fraternity.
146
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,358
Remember our motto:
147
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:22,315
Looky, looky,
we're gonna get some nookie.
148
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:33,229
We'll do good on our tests
so we'll feel some breasts.
149
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,512
Now, if we can all join hands...
150
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,917
...for the Alpha Gonna Get 'Em
secret salute.
151
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,798
Honk, honk.
152
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,593
Hi, Dad.
153
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,270
We're having sort of
a secret ceremony here.
154
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,992
Not secret enough, son.
155
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,391
Now, Bud...
156
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,513
...remember when I told you
that if you ever had any problem...
157
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,678
...you could come
to your mother and I and talk about it?
158
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:33,999
Well, now please don't.
159
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,789
- It's a Greek thing, Dad.
- Yeah, I know all about that.
160
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,439
The old guy knocked over
our frat table.
161
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,359
I have seen him in
my neighbourhood convenience store...
162
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,199
...looking at nudie magazines.
163
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:56,076
He howls like a wolf
and pinches the paper bazoombas.
164
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:01,476
Gee, I don't know if there's gonna be
much room for us and the babes...
165
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,148
...with your father's car
in our frat house.
166
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:09,514
Mr. President, you promised us
we would be cool in a cool place.
167
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:10,948
Well, I'll tell you this.
168
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,678
I don't feel cool, my friend.
169
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,598
I think I speak for us all when I say:
170
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,155
I feel like pulling up my pants
and going home.
171
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,950
Maybe we should all
forget this fraternity...
172
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,434
...and do what my Dad does:
173
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,713
Stand underneath escalators
and look up the dresses of fat women.
174
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,277
Nobody goes anywhere.
175
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,313
You know why?
Because I'm gonna get us chicks.
176
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,274
How? Toga party, baby.
177
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,038
If you think we look cool now...
178
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,277
...wait till the chicks
get a load of us in sheets.
179
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:51,715
We will be as attractive to women
as my idol, the great Barry Manilow.
180
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:56,153
Now, that's the spirit that made
our convenience stores great, Ahmed.
181
00:12:56,360 --> 00:13:01,434
Guys, you can bet your virginity this
is the last time you'll be honking air.
182
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,748
Honk, honk.
183
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,110
Honk, honk.
184
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,396
So, what movie would we like to see?
185
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,591
Why do we have to go out, Peg?
186
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,997
Isn't it enough I know
I'm married to you?
187
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,919
Do we have to tell the whole world?
188
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,517
Oh, here's something
we could all enjoy.
189
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,996
A fine foreign film
about a young Peruvian girl...
190
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:30,591
...who lives in the rain forest
and dreams of having a bicycle.
191
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,470
Any hooters?
192
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,428
It is a Francois Lu Max film.
193
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,517
He explores the mind.
194
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,029
Well, I prefer
the Joseph Zipper production...
195
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,437
...of They Exploded
Out Of Their Bras.
196
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:01,039
Now, Marcie, you might like that one.
It's a film about women.
197
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,756
I wanna see a movie
with Mel Gibson's butt.
198
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,518
I want sensitivity.
199
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,517
- I want killing.
- I want boobies.
200
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:14,274
- Boobies, boobies, boobies.
- Sensitivity, sensitivity.
201
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:18,712
Boobies, boobies, boobies.
202
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,471
Hi, pumpkin.
203
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,317
I haven't heard anybody
chant that word...
204
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,909
...since me and my girlfriends
were standing around...
205
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,953
...and this old guy in this Dodge
drove by and...
206
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,511
Daddy.
207
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:45,312
Well, that must have been the time
when Bud borrowed the car.
208
00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,990
Hey, look, everyone,
it's Dorf on Golf.
209
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,192
How's the party going, honey?
210
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,718
Let me put this way:
211
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:12,994
Mom, Mrs. D'Arcy, would you guys
like to be the girls at my party?
212
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,358
If you do go,
I won't call you Mom, okay?
213
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,710
I'll call you Red.
214
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,720
Well, I guess they've heard
the legends.
215
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,753
- They might as well see the real thing.
- Yeah.
216
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,748
Let's give them a thrill.
How bad could it be?
217
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,275
They rejected you, huh?
218
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,478
- How about you, Kel?
- You know what?
219
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,796
I'd be delighted to help.
220
00:15:55,840 --> 00:16:00,152
Okay. For those of you who have never
actually been this close to one...
221
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,874
...I am a girl.
222
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,639
Indeed.
223
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:13,516
Now, all girls want men,
but before you get your hopes up...
224
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,676
...this is a man.
225
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:22,517
Now, can anyone tell me
what this man has that you don't have?
226
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,551
- Ahmed?
- Large ear lobes...
227
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:29,550
...which denote an enormous
pleasure-giving masculine force?
228
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,269
- That's one.
- What about caring and sensitivity?
229
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,153
Not in a guy, no.
230
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,239
Now, to continue the lesson.
231
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,396
Man.
232
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,113
Boys.
233
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,309
Kel, I think that'll be
just quite enough.
234
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,512
No. Wait. One second.
I'm not finished yet.
235
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,958
I'm Kelly Bundy, that 's my opinion.
Call me.
236
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,758
Thank you, Kelly Bundy.
237
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,669
As the song goes,
she goes "duh" for the money.
238
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,118
Now, look, guys. Now, I may not know
much about girls...
239
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,594
...but I do know this much:
240
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,678
If you put on a sheet,
even one with horsies...
241
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,759
Which, by the way, Francis,
looks just terrific on you.
242
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,479
- girls will come.
243
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,671
They will? They will.
244
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,552
Wait a second. I hear people now.
245
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,389
Guys, quick, look cool,
assume honk positions.
246
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,316
Quite a grotesque little tableau,
eh, Peg?
247
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,432
Yes, but at least they've got
their pants up this time.
248
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,551
Is this what your frat was like?
249
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:56,988
Sure was.
250
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,670
Except there was girls,
booze and a lot of fun.
251
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,276
Bud, honey.
252
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,872
I want you to look after Seven.
253
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,275
That is, of course,
unless he'd cramp your style.
254
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,913
Come on, let's go.
255
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,798
Party hearty, guys.
256
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,109
I'd love to hang with you guys,
but I got a date.
257
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,675
Later, gators.
258
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,553
Oh, come on, guys.
Don't be down.
259
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,274
They say that there is a girl
for every guy.
260
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,038
Of course, they just say that.
261
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,877
Look, let me help you
the best I can.
262
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,719
Guys, there's no shame in being gay.
263
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,791
Come on, guys.
She was only kidding.
264
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,877
If we were gay,
the food would be better...
265
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,959
...and there'd be plenty of girls here
making us dance against our will.
266
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,715
I am tragically disappointed.
267
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,037
This is supposed to be a party,
but still no large heinies...
268
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,391
...have presented themselves
to our honking hands.
269
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:34,151
Yeah. I joined this fraternity
to relive my youth.
270
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:38,592
Well, I am.
I wasn't getting anything then either.
271
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:45,431
Why, I could've gotten more tail playing
bingo with Mom and her friends.
272
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,232
Do they play as we speak?
273
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,032
I have found that an old woman...
274
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,835
...is as grateful as a small dog
when you pet it.
275
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:58,357
Just let me change my clothes
and I'll give you something to pet.
276
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,871
Not me, you ninnies.
277
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,833
I'm talking about girls.
278
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,116
My dad may have taken the chips...
279
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,038
...but we still have the dip.
280
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,993
And I'm gonna go get us
the hooters to go with it.
281
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,550
Double word score.
282
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,433
"NBC" is not a word.
283
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,558
It's a word. It's just not a network.
284
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,115
- Where is everybody?
- They went home.
285
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,038
Ahmed and Francis were bored...
286
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,676
...and Gus said his prostrate
was flaring up.
287
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,997
I can't believe this.
I got girls. Great ones.
288
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,395
But they're expecting fraternity guys.
289
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,556
I can't lose these girls, I just can't.
290
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,799
Oh, Bud? Where are the guys?
291
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,275
We wanna dance.
292
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,834
They'll be right there.
293
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,111
And they'll be
some dancing fools too.
294
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,598
Hey, Bud?
295
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,392
How did you get these girls to come?
296
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:29,999
I took your advice, Kel.
I told them we were gay.
297
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,993
Did you tell Dad and Mr. D'Arcy?
298
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,556
That's something for each man
to discover on his own.
299
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,632
It's sweet that they found each other.
300
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,159
I'm warning you.
301
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,669
I'm gonna show you
all it takes is a good woman.
302
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,471
Well, I've tried.
303
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,672
I could never find a girl
who could excite me.
304
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,634
Although you do, a little.
305
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,394
Well, how can we make it a lot?
306
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,233
I don't know. I'll think about it.1
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,738
Hotcha!
2
00:01:49,420 --> 00:01:51,775
Another penny closer to retirement.
3
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,849
Hey, Bundy, car broken down again?
4
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:57,858
Nobody will give you a ride, huh?
5
00:01:58,100 --> 00:02:01,729
Maybe I should have called your wife.
She always gives everybody a ride.
6
00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:09,213
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Bundy.
7
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:13,208
Did the new copy of
Girls With Big 'Uns come in yet?
8
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:16,376
Yeah, I just think I'll...
9
00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:19,174
...look before I purchase if...
10
00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:29,898
There you go, just...
11
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,216
I'll buy it tomorrow, Jim.
12
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,500
- Sign this petition and save the trees.
- Who cares?
13
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:39,976
Sign this petition to save the world
from nuclear holocaust.
14
00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:43,855
- Who cares?
- They're gonna raise beer tax two cents.
15
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,858
Oh, my God!
16
00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:47,613
This has to be stopped.
17
00:02:48,580 --> 00:02:50,571
Let us give you a beer
and tell you about it.
18
00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:52,413
Why ask why?
19
00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:59,970
Oh, wait, would you like to watch
our movie, The Story of Beer?
20
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,091
God, would I.
21
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,650
Beer.
22
00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:27,419
And even for people like you...
23
00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:29,935
...Election Day is very important.
24
00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:33,735
So I'm hoping you'll put up these
campaign signs outside your home.
25
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,652
That is a wonderful idea, Marcie.
26
00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:41,330
This one could cover the bird doody
on the front of the house.
27
00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:43,770
Oh, and this is a pretty one.
28
00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:47,256
We could put this on the porch
where the plaster's coming away.
29
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:50,577
You know, where Al likes to kick it
before he comes in.
30
00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:53,012
Wait a minute, Mrs. D'Arcy.
31
00:03:53,220 --> 00:03:55,734
"Support toxic waste dumps"?
32
00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:57,811
You'd never vote for this.
33
00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:02,372
Of course not. I've given you posters
of the issues that I oppose.
34
00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:05,094
Because if people think
the Bundys are for them...
35
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,337
...we know the whole neighbourhood
will vote the other way.
36
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:13,730
We like to call it "harnessing hate."
37
00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:18,019
Well, anything short of voting,
we'd be glad to help.
38
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,771
Peggy, you really should vote.
39
00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:23,778
This year we can
really make a difference.
40
00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:26,892
This is the Year of the Woman.
41
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,136
Everyone I know
is gonna vote for a woman...
42
00:04:29,340 --> 00:04:33,094
...regardless of her qualifications
or her stance on the issues.
43
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,217
Right, Jefferson?
44
00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:36,614
Sure.
45
00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:40,415
Actually, I wouldn't mind having
a woman as president...
46
00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:43,498
...especially if it was you, Marcie.
47
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:46,817
Because I'd make a great first lady.
48
00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:51,409
Yep, and I'd have
a big, important issue like...
49
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:53,292
...no littering...
50
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,058
...or nice hair for everyone.
51
00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:58,650
You know,
national hair-care centres.
52
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:01,775
God, how cool.
53
00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:07,097
Well, I think I could do a lot of good
being in bed with the president.
54
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:10,495
And I really believe that
if anybody could...
55
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,976
...I could make them forget
about Jackie Kennedy.
56
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:18,769
And you know I don't mind
prancing it for the voters.
57
00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,854
And then, when you get shot...
58
00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:31,218
...l'd marry a rich Greek.
59
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:35,220
Of course, she'd have to
shave her legs...
60
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:37,092
...and under her arms...
61
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,336
...oh, and her lip.
62
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:44,975
Then she'd die, leave me a fortune
and I'd become an editor.
63
00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:50,898
Well, what are you staring at?
64
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,694
Like you never thought about
being first lady?
65
00:06:02,140 --> 00:06:05,769
Honey, shut up and look beautiful.
66
00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:08,448
I'll sign that bill.
67
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:20,774
Hi, Peggy...
68
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:23,096
...Bud, Kelly, Jefferson...
69
00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:25,379
...Bud.
70
00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:29,413
I just found out
what's wrong with America.
71
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:34,410
And I seem to have lost
about three hours of my day.
72
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:37,729
Bought this bunch of bananas.
73
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,210
Kids, take those bananas upstairs...
74
00:06:40,420 --> 00:06:44,652
...with the tangerines Daddy bought
the last time he got whacked.
75
00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:50,453
God, I hate to see him like this.
76
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,811
I know. I don't like
to see him happy either.
77
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,731
Family, did you know that
along with an election coming up...
78
00:06:57,940 --> 00:06:59,498
...there's something big going on.
79
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:03,368
They're trying to sneak by
a two-cent beer tax.
80
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:04,774
Two cents!
81
00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,208
What really gets to me is...
82
00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:10,049
...that the money they're gonna raise
is gonna go for education.
83
00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:12,970
Well, I'll be damned
if I'm paying two cents...
84
00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:15,489
...for some moron
to learn how to read.
85
00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:17,778
I mean, where's it gonna end?
86
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:21,177
I mean, pretty soon
they'll be taxing income.
87
00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:26,169
Well, Al, it's nice to see you care
about something...
88
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:28,530
...besides wondering
whose back is hairier.
89
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,618
Yours or your dog's.
90
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:33,532
Or whose chest is hairier.
91
00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:35,935
Mine or yours.
92
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,651
Jefferson, can I depend
on your support?
93
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,334
Well, I'm sorry, Al,
I don't get a ballot.
94
00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:51,215
Marcie sends mine out absentee
so she's sure what I'm voting for.
95
00:07:51,420 --> 00:07:53,809
But I'm gonna be
first lady, you know.
96
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,450
Give 'em hell.
97
00:07:57,660 --> 00:08:01,255
Come on, Marcie, you above all people
should be concerned about this tax.
98
00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:05,692
I mean, after looking at yourself
in the mirror all day, you must drink.
99
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:11,571
I do not drink.
100
00:08:11,780 --> 00:08:14,294
I occasionally imbibe.
101
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:15,819
And only wine.
102
00:08:16,020 --> 00:08:17,897
And then only with a fine meal.
103
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,374
Or a good cheese.
104
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:22,014
Or to enhance sex.
105
00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:25,018
Or if I'm alone for 15 minutes.
106
00:08:26,180 --> 00:08:29,729
But luckily, they're not trying
to increase the tax on wine.
107
00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:31,419
That would be unfair to the rich.
108
00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:36,416
So wine is free, eh?
109
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:38,258
The workingman pays for everything.
110
00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:41,611
But a few French people and
a couple of guys that don't like girls...
111
00:08:41,820 --> 00:08:43,651
...they get off for free.
112
00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:46,772
Peggy, can you talk
some sense into him?
113
00:08:47,540 --> 00:08:52,216
I'm sorry, Marcie, but I have to agree
with Al, 100 percent.
114
00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:56,049
You see, if it wasn't for beer,
we probably wouldn't even be married.
115
00:08:57,060 --> 00:09:02,259
In fact, the only time Al touches me
is when he's had eight to 10 beers.
116
00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:05,213
Oh, and he's an animal.
117
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,977
Oh, God, I love it.
118
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:16,819
Would you excuse us?
119
00:09:23,820 --> 00:09:28,575
Oh, Al, you were magnificent!
120
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:36,009
Honey, no, you can't
go to sleep now.
121
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:38,893
We have company, come on.
122
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:46,454
Well, I guess I can't persuade you
on the beer tax...
123
00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:49,652
...since it brings you so many
seconds of pleasure.
124
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:53,176
But this is an important election.
125
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:55,450
It's all gonna come down to
just a few votes...
126
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:57,855
...so I need to mention
some of the other issues.
127
00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:02,770
For instance, a tax that will go
towards purifying Chicago's air.
128
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,649
They want me to pay so that
people like you can breathe fresh air.
129
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:09,334
- Peg, write that down.
- Got it.
130
00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:12,008
"No" on clean air.
131
00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:13,534
All right.
132
00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:18,018
Well, would you consider the plight
of the speckled songbird?
133
00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:20,017
To preserve its melodious tone...
134
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,609
...we must protect this area
from further development.
135
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:27,376
So those little bastards can sit outside
and sing all night and I don't sleep?
136
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:31,175
- Peg, write that down.
- "No" to nature. Got it.
137
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,736
Now, Marcie, how do
these moronic issues...
138
00:10:34,940 --> 00:10:36,658
...ever even come to the public?
139
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:39,130
Well, they're suggested
by your elected officials.
140
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:41,854
Your councilmen, your senators,
even your president.
141
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,853
So it goes right to the top, huh?
142
00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:47,177
Well, something has to be done.
143
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,696
Kids, get down here right away.
144
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,016
I have something
very important to tell you.
145
00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:56,935
Finally. He's gonna tell me
I'm not really his daughter.
146
00:10:57,420 --> 00:11:00,537
No, he's gonna tell me
I'm not his son.
147
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:02,776
But you look just like him.
148
00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:06,289
That was pretty low.
149
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:09,858
I'm sorry, I went too far.
150
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,176
I'm really sorry.
151
00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:16,251
Good luck, I hope you're not his.
152
00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:17,688
I hope you're not.
153
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:22,139
Dad, who's our real father?
154
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,290
Well, about a thousand
blood tests say it's me.
155
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:32,173
Now, kids, the U.S.A.
has been run too long...
156
00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:34,257
...by people who know the issues.
157
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:39,090
People that watch the news on TV,
read books, generally pay attention.
158
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:40,528
Well, no more.
159
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:45,052
Because now it's time that we
had a say in the future of America.
160
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,528
Family...
161
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,898
...the Bundys are gonna
elect a president.
162
00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:02,816
The polls have been open
across the nation for six hours...
163
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:06,729
...but it's now official
that not a single person in America...
164
00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:09,659
...has yet turned out to vote.
165
00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:12,059
Not only that, Bob...
166
00:12:12,260 --> 00:12:16,299
...but I understand that nobody's
even watching our election coverage.
167
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:22,374
So I've been told to do
whatever it takes to get you to tune in.
168
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:30,456
You won't see that on F Troop, folks.
169
00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:36,657
Now that I have
your attention, be aware...
170
00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:39,818
...if any people show up
to vote today...
171
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:45,014
...the future of this country
is in their hands.
172
00:12:45,780 --> 00:12:47,896
Voters coming through.
Make way, make way.
173
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,375
Voters coming through.
174
00:12:55,980 --> 00:13:00,019
Family, breathe the democracy.
175
00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:02,139
This is where it all happens.
176
00:13:02,380 --> 00:13:06,737
Yes, in a dry cleaner like this,
they elected Washington and Lincoln.
177
00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:10,336
And at a round table,
where this volunteer sits...
178
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,418
...they signed
the Declaration of Independence.
179
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,413
And from the looks of her,
she was probably there to see it.
180
00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:21,493
Peg, get a picture of me
and Betsy Ross here.
181
00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:26,008
All right.
182
00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:28,131
Now, down to business.
183
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,128
I'm Bundy...
184
00:13:30,340 --> 00:13:31,659
...AI Bundy...
185
00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:34,055
...and I'm here to serve my country.
186
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:38,213
Then please consider
a minty mouthwash.
187
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:46,098
Just give me a ballot, you crone.
188
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:52,009
Not there, Mr. Bundy,
that's the bathroom.
189
00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:53,818
That's all right, ma'am.
190
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:56,898
That's where he makes
all his big decisions.
191
00:13:57,660 --> 00:13:58,888
My name is Bundy...
192
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,328
...Peggy Bundy.
193
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,929
And I would strongly advise you
to learn the lesson...
194
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:05,449
...that my Uncle Harold
learned the hard way.
195
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:10,370
If you're wearing a pacemaker,
do not follow him into the bathroom.
196
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:13,893
- What's your name?
- Kelly.
197
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,374
Oh, you should be in the Ks.
198
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,332
Oh, thank you.
199
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,168
- Name?
- Bundy.
200
00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:22,336
Oh, you should be in the B's.
201
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:24,690
Oh, thank you.
202
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:26,293
- Your name?
- Kelly.
203
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,060
Then you should be in the Ks.
204
00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:32,098
They don't want me over there.
205
00:14:34,980 --> 00:14:37,540
- Your name, please.
- Bundy, Bud Bundy.
206
00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:40,340
Is this your first time?
207
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,171
What, are you kidding?
208
00:14:49,380 --> 00:14:52,611
Why does everyone look at me
and just assume I'm a virgin?
209
00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:55,048
Because I'm not.
210
00:14:55,260 --> 00:14:57,649
Could a virgin tell you the name
and last book read...
211
00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,454
...by every Playboy centrefold
in the last ten years?
212
00:15:00,740 --> 00:15:03,208
I've been there and back, baby.
213
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:07,529
I know the female body
like I know my own hand.
214
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,014
I mean, the back of my hand.
215
00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:17,018
"Bud, oh, Bud," they scream.
216
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,619
Why, once, I even took a girl...
217
00:15:18,820 --> 00:15:23,689
Sir, I just meant
is this the first time you're voting?
218
00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:30,051
I guess that's something
I can admit to. Yes, yes it is.
219
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:32,410
Tell me, where do I go
and what do I do with it?
220
00:15:32,660 --> 00:15:36,016
I bet that isn't the first time
you asked that.
221
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:44,256
I know what you're doing.
222
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,697
You're trying to tear me down
because you want me.
223
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,375
All girls do that.
224
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:55,652
I know you're twitching
under your girdle.
225
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,498
Well, dream on, Methuselah.
226
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:04,171
What's your name?
227
00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:08,416
Oh, honey, it's okay.
228
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,451
Here, take a ballot.
229
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:13,851
Hell, this is Chicago, take two.
230
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:20,370
Hey, is it yellow
in everybody's booth?
231
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:24,452
Oops, never mind,
just had hair in my eyes.
232
00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:26,573
Excuse me.
233
00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:29,977
Sorry, kids, I just have to
ask Daddy a question.
234
00:16:31,540 --> 00:16:33,656
Hey, woman,
what are you doing in here?
235
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,293
This is sacred.
236
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,253
Hey, no, Peg, that's sacred too.
237
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,688
Take me, Al.
238
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:43,609
Right here with the fate
of democracy in your hands.
239
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:52,378
And now for the election news.
240
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,497
Good news for those
who think Americans...
241
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,736
...no longer care
about the electoral process.
242
00:16:56,940 --> 00:16:59,898
In the largest turnout
in the last three national elections...
243
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:05,811
...a full one half of 1 percent of all
registered v oters actually did v ote.
244
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:07,578
Give 'em hell, America.
245
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,731
Now let's look at some local returns.
246
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:16,531
The beer tax passed,
25, 000 to 10, 000.
247
00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:18,608
And the closest race...
248
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:21,209
...the so-called Save the Earth
Clean Air Amendment...
249
00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:23,809
...passed by a v ote of five to four.
250
00:17:24,020 --> 00:17:27,490
And now we're gonna hear
from our president-elect...
251
00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:29,810
...as we tak e you live
to his campaign head...
252
00:17:30,020 --> 00:17:31,612
Incredible. We lost everything.
253
00:17:31,820 --> 00:17:34,254
Not one single thing
we wanted passed.
254
00:17:34,460 --> 00:17:36,371
I guess Bundys don't count.
255
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:38,013
Or add, nor read.
256
00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:41,132
- Or get a woman.
- Or a man.
257
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,854
What a waste of a day.
258
00:17:44,860 --> 00:17:47,090
It's all Dad's fault.
259
00:17:47,540 --> 00:17:51,010
I mean, he made us part
of the electrical process.
260
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:54,897
Once again we learned
that we mean nothing.
261
00:17:57,220 --> 00:17:59,734
Well, at least we tried.
262
00:17:59,940 --> 00:18:01,339
And failed as usual.
263
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:06,210
- Kid's right. Give up. We did.
- No, we can't quit.
264
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:09,173
- You saying we try again next year?
- No.
265
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,655
Tell you the truth,
I'm never voting again.
266
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:15,969
Like marriage, no matter
who you choose it turns out bad.
267
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:18,970
Unless you're rich.
268
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:21,296
They get everything they want...
Well, fine.
269
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,775
Let them have their birds
and their air and their...
270
00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:25,811
Even their presidents.
271
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:29,536
But we cared about beer,
and they took it away from us.
272
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,379
Yeah, sure, what do they care if a man
who sells shoes or fixes cars...
273
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,538
...or totes that barge,
or spears that doody in the park...
274
00:18:37,740 --> 00:18:40,777
...has to use his whole pay cheque
to buy one beer?
275
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,299
What do they care?
276
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:46,492
They're at their outdoor restaurants
eating their little pizzas...
277
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:51,012
...and drinking some fine wine
in a no-smoking section...
278
00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:54,690
...with their sexy,
skinny second wives...
279
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,368
...while we're breeding
with peasant stock.
280
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,737
No offence, Peg.
281
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:02,728
One thing I know...
282
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:05,693
...we're never going to win
through the system.
283
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:08,289
Voting has never been
the American way.
284
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,459
We didn't get away from
that pansy country England by voting.
285
00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:16,130
We did it by throwing their
stinking tea in our American harbour.
286
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:22,498
And why?
287
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:25,419
Because Americans don't like tea.
288
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,768
We like coffee.
289
00:19:27,980 --> 00:19:29,538
And Americans don't like wine.
290
00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:30,968
We like beer.
291
00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:33,569
- Yeah.
- Ice cold.
292
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:38,375
Ice cold, best in a bottle,
but fine anyway you can get it...
293
00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:42,016
...belching, burping,
wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer.
294
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,216
So let's show them
how a beer man votes.
295
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,490
Let's get blitzed
and take it to the streets.
296
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:54,728
Let's strike a blow
anywhere they dine alfresco...
297
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,369
...anywhere they eat Brie cheese...
298
00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:00,617
...and anywhere they wear their pants
up high around their waist...
299
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,731
...in the European way.
300
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:06,577
The only thing
that Americans understand...
301
00:20:06,780 --> 00:20:10,329
...is mindless Tom and Jerry
cartoon-like violence.
302
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:15,133
So let's go kick some elite butt.
303
00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:23,291
Give me beer, or give me death!
304
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:32,292
Or both.
305
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,336
Let's pillage.
306
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:50,496
And in the biggest
election-related story...
307
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,573
...people are being urged to eat
at home, or at a rib joint.
308
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:59,490
Whatever you do, stay away from any
restaurant that starts with "Chez."
309
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:04,296
Frenchmen, as if they had to be told,
should stay at home.
310
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:08,573
An angry mob led by
a balding madman screaming.
311
00:21:08,780 --> 00:21:12,011
"I sell shoes, damn it,
and I'm stinking drunk"...
312
00:21:12,220 --> 00:21:17,692
...has run amuck, and they've turned
the streets white with foam.
313
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:20,856
Beer forever.
314
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:26,131
Oh, that's lovely. Thank you.
315
00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:31,131
Anyway, the 2 percent beer tax
that was overwhelmingly v oted in...
316
00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:34,537
...is being reconsidered
in a special midnight session...
317
00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:37,049
...of a cowering city council.
318
00:21:40,540 --> 00:21:42,417
Well...
319
00:21:46,380 --> 00:21:49,690
...it looks like the little man
finally might have won one.
320
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,379
You know, it's amazing...
321
00:21:51,580 --> 00:21:54,890
...I feel more like an American now
than ever before.
322
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:58,490
By the way, does anyone know
who was elected president?
323
00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:01,377
What's the difference?
324
00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:03,931
But whoever you are...
325
00:22:04,140 --> 00:22:06,370
...read my lips.
326
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:12,213
Don't tax beer.1
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,118
Today is a great day for the Bundys.
2
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:23,838
Daddy paid the water bill.
How do you do it, Al?
3
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:29,034
As overseer of the vast Bundy fortune,
I came up with a bold financial plan.
4
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,310
I sold my blood.
5
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:42,033
All right. It is time to cut
the ceremonial ribbon.
6
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,037
Peg, as someone who's been...
7
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,879
...symbolically cutting
things off for years...
8
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,116
...will you do the honours?
9
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,471
I declare this the Al Bundy faucet...
10
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:58,596
...which, like its namesake, has been
dry lo these many months, open.
11
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,270
Okay, here we go.
12
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,756
It's the water! It's the water!
13
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,509
Oh, Al, it's so brown on the first day.
14
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,280
And crunchy too.
15
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,318
Now, don't waste any of this stuff.
16
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:30,072
This crunchy stuff is life-giving
vitamins, minerals and asbestos.
17
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,273
All right, who wants Bundy iced tea?
18
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,232
I do! I do!
19
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,829
Okay, here we go.
20
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,473
Oh, boy.
21
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:43,878
It's like Christmas, our birthdays
and the Fourth of July all in one.
22
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,354
Toast.
23
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:46,913
To Dad's blood.
24
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,588
And the poor sap who got it.
25
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,149
Well, it's brown, just like I like it.
26
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,954
I think I broke my tooth.
27
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,595
- There you go.
- God is good to us.
28
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,030
Yes, he is.
29
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,876
Must have been a washer.
30
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,520
- Lucky duck.
- Yeah, lucky indeed.
31
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,598
I got lumpy water
and you're the family that loves me.
32
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,234
Who could ask for anything more?
33
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,431
I could.
34
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:41,668
And I believe it's time for one of you
ingrown toenails to get a job.
35
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,677
So can I have a volunteer?
36
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,515
No one? Gee, really?
37
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,234
Wait a second. Something's missing.
38
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,159
Pretend I have money.
Everyone put their hands out.
39
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,390
Yep, there's a hand missing.
40
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,676
I'm late.
41
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,439
Congratulations, pumpkin.
You just volunteered.
42
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,551
Come on, kid. This could get ugly.
43
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,069
We're going to the park
to pick up some chicks.
44
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,955
You know the routine. Find a girl,
tell her I saved your life in Nam...
45
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,072
...and I no longer have
any feelings left in my hands.
46
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:26,114
The only thing that could bring it back
is the touch of a beautiful woman.
47
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:31,348
That's "woman." Let's not have any
stupid mistakes like last week, okay?
48
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,679
Hey, I'm 6.
49
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,189
- You should know better.
- So should you.
50
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,518
He was carrying a cat and singing
show tunes, for God's sakes.
51
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,788
Al, don't do this to my baby.
52
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,476
Oh, my God.
He's gonna ask me to get a job.
53
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,479
Don't do this, Al.
54
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,955
Throughout history,
Wanker women have done nothing.
55
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,752
And we're proud of it.
56
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,953
Why, we sat on pioneer couches
at the backs of wagon trains.
57
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,230
We slept late during Indian attacks...
58
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:06,558
...and had our hair done while
our husbands had theirs scalped.
59
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,713
You know, the West is speckled
with graveyards...
60
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,037
...filled with the bodies of men
who died before their time...
61
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,231
...supporting Wanker women.
62
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,477
Don't break the chain, Al.
Don't break the chain.
63
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,233
Pumpkin, I have something
that I have to tell you.
64
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,233
Oh, my God,
he is gonna ask me to get a job.
65
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,640
- It's okay, it's okay. Come on, sit down.
- Yes, yes, yes.
66
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:33,595
There, there, there,
my little leech, there, there.
67
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,397
Now, honey, let me explain this
to you by telling you...
68
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,398
...about the plough horse
that had to pull the heavy wagon.
69
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:44,156
- What was the horsey's name, Daddy?
- AI.
70
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,959
The horsey in your story
has your name, Daddy.
71
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,833
Yes, he did, pumpkin.
72
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,350
Anyway, he pulled and he pulled.
73
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:59,793
And then on the road,
a big red cow jumped onto the cart.
74
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,595
Wouldn't it be funny
if the cow's name was Peggy?
75
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:12,355
And before he knew it, little horsey
after little horsey jumped on the cart...
76
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:17,714
...until poor Al collapsed in a heap
and died a horrible, twitching death.
77
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,108
That was a good story, Daddy.
78
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,832
Indeed.
79
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,998
But, honey, the story doesn't
have to end that way.
80
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,997
If a little horsey would help out...
81
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,509
...maybe the Al horse
could save a few bucks...
82
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,156
...and then go
to the nudie horsey bar.
83
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:43,758
So in fact, your little story
is just a thinly veiled allegory...
84
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,633
...a Metamucil, if you will...
85
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:50,955
...to convince me by imagery
to get a job.
86
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,074
How coincidental
that it should come now...
87
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,716
...while I have been so busy thinking
about the emptiness of my existence.
88
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,956
I know I must have
a greater purpose.
89
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,798
Maybe I should get a job.
90
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,355
Now, now, red cow.
91
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:14,197
Sweetheart, all I can tell you is
you're gonna love work.
92
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,038
I do.
93
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,150
I really don't.
94
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:33,195
So you think you got what it takes
to be a burger waitress?
95
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,349
Let's see your application.
96
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,152
It's blank.
97
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,716
Well, you got what it takes
to be a burger waitress.
98
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,154
So is there any training
that I have to do?
99
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:54,433
Well, let's see.
Do you know what a plate looks like?
100
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,435
Excellent!
101
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,631
Do you know
what a table looks like?
102
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,758
Excellent!
103
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,350
Now, you take one to the other.
104
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,755
Do you know which one?
105
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,753
Well, the table would be too heavy
to take to the plate.
106
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,869
Ergo, as Shakespeare said,
the plate's the thing.
107
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,429
You are a find.
108
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,996
Feel good about yourself, missy.
You have chosen a profession...
109
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,954
...in which many great Americans
have rotted away their youth.
110
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,515
Now, smile.
111
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,996
- What was that for?
- That's a "before" picture.
112
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,719
- What is "harginher"?
- That's hamburger.
113
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:40,072
The H is silent, you illiteral.
114
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,913
Well, I assume "flies" means fries.
115
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:49,671
Now, what is this?
"Two balls and a chick quacker"?
116
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,880
That's two bowls of chicken soup...
117
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,071
...and quackers.
118
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,436
Well, "ugg" on my face, eh?
119
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,830
Well, listen...
120
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,999
...I just want to tell you, you're the
stupidest girl I've had working here.
121
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,909
And that says a lot,
that says an awful lot.
122
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,908
In fact,
you are one whopping moron.
123
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,310
So you wanna go out with me later?
124
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,114
I would rather stick my nose
in the deep fryer.
125
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,630
That is, if there's enough room for it
with the mouse in there.
126
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:29,318
Hey, I worked an hour
to get half of that out of there.
127
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,272
Besides, the people seem to like it.
128
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,756
We call them Cajun fries.
129
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,633
We're almost out.
Could you set a couple of traps?
130
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,195
And set them on "stun,"
they stay fresher.
131
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,352
There she is! There's my little girl.
132
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:48,074
The first Bundy woman
to have ever worked.
133
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:53,758
Jefferson, get a picture of me
and my little girl in her place of work.
134
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,389
Okay. Say "ptomaine."
135
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,997
Hey, didn't you take my picture once
when I was on a cruise?
136
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,873
I think I was
with Florence Henderson.
137
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,272
You think if I was that good-looking
guy from The Love Boat...
138
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,675
...l'd be doing this?
139
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,677
No, I'd be rich.
140
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,394
Another picture, captain?
141
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,353
I mean, Fonzie? Al.
142
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,718
Yes, yes, one right over here.
143
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,639
Oh, look at this.
This is my baby's first tip.
144
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,990
Get a picture of this.
145
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,270
Now get a picture of this.
146
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,388
Pumpkin, I want you to know that
this is the proudest day of my life...
147
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,239
...and will remain so until the day
your mother leaves me.
148
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,910
Let's go, Jefferson. I'll bet you can't
wait until your firstborn gets a job.
149
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,111
Well, by the time
my first kid is born...
150
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,232
...l'll have already been gone
eight months.
151
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:57,915
Children, this is the last stop for
our school program "Scared Smart"...
152
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:02,033
...in which we learn that being cool
in high school does not mean success.
153
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,156
To demonstrate, I give you
the former queen of our high school.
154
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,194
She was so pretty and so popular...
155
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,871
...and she dated all the male teachers
and my husband...
156
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:20,950
...and my boyfriend, who was only 16,
but God, did he earn that A.
157
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:25,309
Anyway, she learned nothing
in five years of high school...
158
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,954
...and you worshipped her for it.
159
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,991
You used to know her
as Kelly Bundy...
160
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:34,876
...but now she answers to the name
she'll carry for the rest of her life.
161
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,274
Hey, waitress!
162
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,477
- It is Kelly Bundy!
- Oh, my God.
163
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,194
I've got to get to the library!
164
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,115
Well, Ms. Bundy,
now that you're a waitress...
165
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,756
...l'd like to give you a tip:
Stay away from my new husband.
166
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,635
He's 18 and still peaking.
167
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,550
Well, he'd have to peek.
He wouldn't want to look at it dead on.
168
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,479
- I'm hungry!
- You know the rules.
169
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,716
Never eat
until your sister gets home.
170
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,070
Now we eat!
171
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,354
Man, look at the grease on this bag.
172
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,313
Always the sign of a fine restaurant.
173
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,359
Come on there, get in there.
174
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:32,077
Oh, man. Look how much some guy
left over from his hamburger.
175
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,516
The sap.
176
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,310
- Dad, want some mashed potatoes?
- Yes, I would.
177
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,829
Well, we'll get rid of that.
178
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,270
Buck, will you bring me
my fuzzy slippers?
179
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,588
Thanks, boy.
180
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,076
Hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't bring you anything.
181
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,552
God, I did him a favour.
182
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,991
The only thing worse
than serving the food is eating it.
183
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,912
Well, these fries are delicious.
184
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:21,079
Look, this one's curly
like a mouse's tail.
185
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,235
I want my mommy. Where is she?
186
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,877
Well, your mother's
kind of sad about something.
187
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,479
I don't know what it's about.
188
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,240
I didn't ask her
because then she'd tell me.
189
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,033
Say hello to your daughter.
190
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,633
I don't have a daughter.
191
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,593
If I had a daughter,
she would never work.
192
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,791
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
193
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,151
Nobody knows the sorrow.
194
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,189
Hey, food!
195
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,519
Daddy, I'm thinking
of quitting my job.
196
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,436
Pumpkin, no!
197
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,792
You can't quit your job.
198
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,878
And I say that not because
I'm giddy with nutrients...
199
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,310
...and starting to get feeling
in my right foot.
200
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:20,834
It goes deeper than that.
201
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,833
- Well, then why?
- For one reason, pumpkin.
202
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,634
Because Bundys are losers,
not quitters.
203
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:32,434
And I like to think that I recognize
a little bit of loser in you.
204
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,279
Oh, Daddy.
205
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,958
So that's it then, I'm a waitress.
206
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,673
Oh, God.
207
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,518
So pumpkin...
208
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,518
...you thought you were meant
for something more, didn't you?
209
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,188
- Yes.
- Me too.
210
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,677
But we weren't.
211
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,872
Hey, Bundy, wanna go
to a movie with me later?
212
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,072
Maybe. What's playing?
213
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,880
Hot Buttered Me.
214
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,277
That's a good one.
215
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,235
Oh, my God. What am I saying?
216
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,635
What did I almost just do?
217
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,230
What have I become?
What is to become of me?
218
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,192
What am I sitting in?
219
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,631
What is the meaning of life?
What is being and nothingness?
220
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,273
Why is everyone staring at me?
221
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,469
Oh, that's right. Because when
I talk like this, people can hear me.
222
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:45,915
When I talk like...
223
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,519
...l'm talking now...
224
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,234
...people don't hear me.
I have to remember that.
225
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,798
Hi, honey.
226
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,754
I came to tell you that I have forgiven
you for the terrible thing you've done.
227
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,551
- You mean working?
- Now, we don't have to say that word.
228
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,239
Save that kind of bad language...
229
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,273
...for when you're hanging around
street corners with the boys.
230
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,153
It's enough to say,
"A mother forgives."
231
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,910
Oh, great hair.
232
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,515
No, no, no, honey,
what you're doing now is thinking.
233
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,838
When thinking makes sounds
in your throat, then you're talking.
234
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,632
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
235
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,189
You weren't supposed to,
I was thinking.
236
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,352
Oh, you have really grown up.
237
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,277
Excuse me, aren't you Kelly Bundy?
238
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,114
Actually, I'm her younger sister.
239
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,796
Wow, you must have had a wild life.
240
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,032
Not lately.
241
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,675
I'm Kelly Bundy.
242
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,917
Wow, you must have had a wild life.
243
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,315
Well, not lately.
244
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,956
- So, what can I do for you?
- Well, you were always my idol.
245
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,513
I thought you might help me.
246
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,154
I've been grounded
and I've got this party to go to...
247
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,113
...and every kid in town with a tattoo
is gonna be there.
248
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,557
- The Rodriguez affair.
- Yeah.
249
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,429
But I can't go, and if I don't,
I'll be socially dead.
250
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,119
You must go.
251
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:27,678
Mom, she's grounded. And it is wrong
to openly defy your parents.
252
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,310
You're gonna have to sneak out.
253
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,759
But what if they check my room?
254
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,510
Well, before you sneak out,
tell your mother...
255
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,393
...she's looking like your father,
then tell your father...
256
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,956
...it's that time of the month, you've
got cramps and you wanna talk.
257
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,597
No one's gonna check your room,
talk to you or look at you for days.
258
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,709
Oh, wow, you're a genius.
How do you know all this?
259
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,633
How does the turkey
know how to fly?
260
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,870
He just knows.
261
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,353
I am so proud of you.
262
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,755
- Why?
- Well, two reasons.
263
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,598
First of all, during all this...
264
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,555
...these people have been starving
for food and you've just ignored them.
265
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,514
I think I see
a little bit of Peggy in you.
266
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:19,036
Second thing, honey, is I think
you have finally found your calling.
267
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,038
Why, this diner
is like a husband to you.
268
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,958
It gives you shelter and money...
269
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,914
...and you don't have to do anything
to earn either.
270
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:33,279
So this just might be the answer
to my quest for the holy pail.
271
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,791
My purpose is to pass on
my experience and knowledge...
272
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,274
...to the young.
273
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,597
Serving a burger
with a side of wisdom, if you will.
274
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,792
It's nice to know that despite
the fact that you've got parents...
275
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,230
...and teachers and brothers
and sisters...
276
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,477
...friends and guidance counsellors,
policemen and priests...
277
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,878
...that there is somebody that
you can go to when you need help.
278
00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:00,517
And that someone is Kelly Bundy,
philosopher waitress.
279
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,038
Hey, where's my food?
280
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,549
Drop dead.
281
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,751
And stay in school.
282
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,315
Okay, I'm gonna answer
your questions in order.
283
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,034
Sandy, always bring a toothbrush...
284
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:24,313
...because you can cheat on your
boyfriend, but not on your gums.
285
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,035
Miss Parker, if you insist
on going out with 18-year-olds...
286
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,437
...have enough sense
to bring along your own protection.
287
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,108
Safety is everyone's responsibility.
288
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,157
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
289
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:38,669
Good luck, girls.
290
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,272
Here you go, sir.1
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,317
Oh, here comes Daddy.
2
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,999
How do I look?
3
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,156
- Terrific, Mom.
- Good.
4
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,831
You know, every payday I like Daddy
to see what his last check went for.
5
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,993
Assume the position.
6
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,879
Hi. Nice to see you.
Good to be back.
7
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,877
If anyone needs me,
I'll be on the couch.
8
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,594
Goodbye. So long.
Don't write. Don't call.
9
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:44,110
Al, perhaps you didn't see us.
10
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,638
I think he's playing dumb.
11
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:51,958
No, honey. I've known him for years.
He's not playing.
12
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,155
- Where's the money, Al?
- I got robbed.
13
00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:00,309
I was driving home and I drove by the
bank, and the street was cordoned off.
14
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,114
So I knew I shouldn't
get out of the car, but I did...
15
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:04,912
...and that's when they jumped me.
16
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,588
- Muggers, Al?
- Worse.
17
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,392
Bankers.
18
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,596
Bill collectors,
electric-company reps...
19
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,598
...that wiry little woman
from the water company.
20
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,153
They were all there.
21
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,396
They threw me down,
forced a pen in my hand...
22
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,875
...and made me pay bills
against my will.
23
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,995
I felt so violated.
24
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,557
But I fought like a wildcat...
25
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,318
...and I think I felt a toe snap...
26
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,512
...when I bit through that
water-company babe's penny loafer.
27
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,234
And that gas guy's gonna be reading
meters out of one eye for a while.
28
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,155
Well, you know, this is my own fault.
29
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,191
The organ grinder
who owns the monkey...
30
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,834
...doesn't let him have the check.
31
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,793
You're the organ grinder, all right.
32
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,709
Hey, what's this?
33
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,639
Well, it was my handkerchief.
34
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,717
Here, boy.
35
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,508
Good boy.
36
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,678
Hey, kids, look at this.
37
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,953
It's a brochure announcing
a monthly shoe-sales contest.
38
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:15,551
And the winner gets a free
first-class trip to Hawaii.
39
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,513
Well, that's fine for the winner,
but what would Dad get?
40
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,354
So you bowel-constricting vampires
I call loved ones...
41
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,755
...think I couldn't possibly
be a winner, huh?
42
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,315
- No.
- Not really.
43
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,473
Oh, sure, I pulled the handle
on the slot machine of life...
44
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,194
...and come up with prune, lemon...
45
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,789
...and the lonely Mr. Cherry.
46
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,916
But I was a high school hero.
47
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,519
And I can do it again.
48
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,757
Any man who can score
four touchdowns in a single game...
49
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,269
...after a night with your mother...
50
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,789
...is surely capable of new glory.
51
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,958
Al Bundy will win this contest
and go to Hawaii.
52
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,071
- First class.
- How come the winner...
53
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,998
...only gets one ticket?
- Otherwise...
54
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,919
...he'd have to take his wife.
Where's the incentive there?
55
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,717
Here he comes.
56
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,070
He's coming in for a pit stop.
57
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,955
Sold 24 pair of shoes,
and I'm in third place.
58
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,192
Shower me.
59
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,437
Squeegee me.
60
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:27,588
Shoe me.
61
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,155
Fratella's in second place,
but I can take him.
62
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:34,194
He goes home at night to visit his wife.
The sap still loves her.
63
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,516
Luckily I don't have that problem.
64
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,235
No time for frivolity.
65
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,352
Freshen me.
66
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,238
Shirt me.
67
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,193
Shoe me.
68
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,036
Get away from me.
69
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,230
I am now ready to sell.
70
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,037
That should be Marcie
coming to buy shoes.
71
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,438
The strangest thing just happened.
72
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,868
I was taking a shower...
73
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,992
...and someone broke in
and stole all my shoes.
74
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,357
How odd.
75
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,392
I only hope that this is not a night
in which you need shoes.
76
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,352
Well, you know she does,
Al, I told you.
77
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,552
We have a big, important dinner
with the bank president, remember?
78
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,433
Marcie was in the shower,
you told me my hair was a mess...
79
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,950
...so of course, I ran off to fix it.
When I came back, you were gone.
80
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,912
You must have just missed
the burglar.
81
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,669
Anyway, hey, how's my hair?
82
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:41,948
Soft, yet manageable.
83
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,549
Now, Marcie, as a friend
who's also in the business...
84
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,035
...let me fix you up
with a nice pair of shoes.
85
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,993
Now, just sit down right here
and put your feet in my hands.
86
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,668
You're not gonna look up my dress,
are you?
87
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,510
I'm not going through
the rest of my life blind...
88
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,039
...just to sell you shoes.
89
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,992
Now, here, let me show you
a very nice set of pumps.
90
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,270
Two-inch heels, which,
by coincidence...
91
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,755
...match your dress exactly.
92
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,350
- They're perfect. I'll take them.
- Fine. That'll be $500.
93
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,232
Five hundred dollars?
94
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:18,793
Well, they came in a six-pack.
95
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,070
Apparently, they were
a family of cats...
96
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,236
...and we were asked
not to separate them.
97
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,635
But trust me.
They weren't killed for shoes.
98
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,956
They were all run over by cars.
99
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,194
That must be where they get
Hush Puppies.
100
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,793
Oh, spare me.
Just give me the shoes.
101
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,309
I'm tired of looking at myself
in your head.
102
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,350
Come on, Jefferson, we're late.
103
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,075
And remember, after dinner when
they serve the cigars and brandy...
104
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,430
...you go in the other room
with the wives.
105
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,154
All right, but I better get
a phone book for my pants...
106
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,237
...because every time
it's the same thing.
107
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,271
The lights "accidentally" go out...
108
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,472
...and I'm the helpless victim
of a gang-goose.
109
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,195
Look, those people
are important to my career.
110
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,311
You'll take it and like it, missy.
111
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,559
Marcie, come on. I need some help.
The wind has picked up.
112
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,116
Could be disastrous for my hair.
You know.
113
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,351
Mom. You know what I'm thinking?
114
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,118
That we should go upstairs
and split up Marcie 's shoes?
115
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,596
No, I was just wondering
what I was thinking, because I forgot.
116
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,958
Hi, Dad.
117
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,910
- This is Petal.
- It's part of a flower.
118
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:52,155
Isn't she great?
I met her in Quantum Physics.
119
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,228
Hold my calls.
120
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,469
There never are any, son.
121
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,591
Never mind that now, Dad.
122
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,597
See you tomorrow.
123
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,392
Young lady!
124
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,278
Young lady, you do realize...
125
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,835
...that's my son's bedroom
you're going to?
126
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,632
Yes.
127
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:29,110
Hey, nice shoes.
128
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,238
Dad, don't.
129
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,156
Come on, Dad. Dad, no.
130
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,396
Come on, Bud. Get over it.
131
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,592
What is one girl
in the grand scheme of your life?
132
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,109
Just your only chance.
133
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,475
Oh, come on, you're not alone in this.
134
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:56,309
I myself have never
had a woman, and I'm fine.
135
00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,357
And neither has Mom.
136
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,233
And lately, neither has your father.
137
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,638
Family.
138
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,556
Bask in the glory.
139
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,193
I did it.
140
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,595
I won the contest.
141
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,878
You're looking at
the shoe salesman of the month.
142
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,231
I'm going to Hawaii. First class.
143
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,715
And you know what they have
in first class?
144
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,354
Unlimited peanuts.
145
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,953
And a passenger-lavatory ratio
of only six to one.
146
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,628
Gee, I'm gonna miss you guys.
147
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,151
Well, hang onto
your haemorrhoids, honey.
148
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:43,588
I have news for you.
149
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,951
I called the airlines
and there's been a change of plans.
150
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,073
I traded your first-class ticket in
for four standbys.
151
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,999
We're all going to Hawaii together.
152
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,079
And, Dad...
153
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,669
...it was my idea.
154
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,872
Oh, that was so smart.
155
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,038
Well, standby isn't too bad.
156
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,959
I mean, how long can they
possibly make us wait?
157
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,991
Well, I checked on Seven.
158
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,838
Marcie found him where we left him.
159
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,076
In her guest room.
160
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:50,713
She said she'd look after him.
161
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,708
She's just amazed by the things
that happen when she's in the shower.
162
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,434
- Well, what about Buck?
- Oh, I took care of that.
163
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,517
I opened up six cans of dog food...
164
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,837
...and I told him to only
eat one each day.
165
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,760
And I could tell by the way
he dug into that first can...
166
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,712
...that he understood completely.
167
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,148
Some man...
168
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,588
...or men...
169
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,473
...are gonna be very lucky
to have you one day.
170
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,319
Attention, ladies and gentlemen.
171
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:22,230
In the first-class lounge
the champagne is now 42 degrees.
172
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:27,195
And, as always, unlimited peanuts
are now being served.
173
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,713
First class.
174
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,718
Champagne.
Peanuts flowing like wine.
175
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,478
That was supposed to be me.
176
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,710
Welcome to the first-class lounge.
May I see your ticket, sir?
177
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,950
This is standby.
178
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,116
You embarrass me and yourself.
179
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,478
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
180
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,830
It's John Sebastian.
181
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,312
Believe in magic, buddy.
182
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,230
I seem to have lost my ticket.
183
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,351
Oh, it doesn't matter, Mr. Sebastian.
184
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:26,270
We know you. Go right in.
As always, the peanuts are unlimited.
185
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,671
Life is good.
186
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,792
I should have said I lost my ticket.
187
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,675
Wouldn't have done any good.
You're not a rock star.
188
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,749
Oh, Richie Havens. Welcome, sir.
189
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:57,358
Spencer Davis. Good to see you.
190
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,517
Robby Krieger. I love the Doors.
191
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,397
- Mark Lindsay, always a pleasure.
- Thank you.
192
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,831
Peter Noone. Please come in.
193
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,998
Hey, man. Groovy there. Right on.
194
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,348
Peace, love...
195
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,791
...and women shouldn't
have to cook, man.
196
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,275
Dig it, I'm hip.
197
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,992
Try to keep the groupies off me
if you can.
198
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,113
Excuse me, excuse me.
199
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,880
- Ticket, please.
- Well...
200
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,517
...must've left it in the limo.
Rock 'n' roll always forgets.
201
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,511
I'm sorry, sir, but I don't recognize you.
You'll need a ticket.
202
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,876
Sebastian. John, my man.
203
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,071
Come here.
204
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:51,078
Hey, how you doing?
205
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,670
How they hanging, fellow rock bro?
206
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:59,873
Well, let's just say I can find them
when I need them.
207
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,638
Axle. Axle Bundy.
208
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,870
You know, from...
From Shoes and Socks, remember?
209
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,116
San Francisco, 1969.
210
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:18,359
I don't remember too much
about 1969.
211
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,357
Who does?
212
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,156
But seriously, you must remember me
from the big concert last year.
213
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,191
Live Aid.
214
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,356
Lemonade.
215
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,433
Kool-Aid, Ice Capade.
One of those.
216
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,678
Yeah, I remember.
217
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,233
Peter, look who's here.
218
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,152
Who's he?
219
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,238
Axle Bundy?
220
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,238
Oh, Axle, great. Hey, I'm a big fan.
221
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,716
I've got one of your records.
You remember the one that sold.
222
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,148
Have you still got...
223
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,351
...that tambourine-playing wife
in your band?
224
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,120
Still screeches
horrible backup vocals.
225
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,480
Hey, you must be...
226
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,035
Just call me yours.
227
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,116
Yeah, and we're Bombshell and Troll.
228
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,990
Hey, fab. Hey, come on in.
229
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,272
Unlimited peanuts for all in here.
230
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,631
Hey, you got something on your tie...
231
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,117
Sandwiches.
232
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,550
Could you imagine living
like this all the time?
233
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,433
No wonder Fergie's such a piglet.
234
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,196
Could life be any grander?
235
00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:00,188
Who'd have thunk it?
Living it up with the geezers of rock.
236
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,398
Speaking of geezers...
237
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,591
...son, have you seen your mother?
238
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,588
No, but if she's anywhere
on this stewardess, I'll find her.
239
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:15,030
You are who I think of
when I have sex with my husband.
240
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:23,234
You are who I think of
when I have sex with my husband.
241
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:31,395
You are who I think of
when I have sex with my husband.
242
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,116
You are who I think of when l...
243
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,556
When I clean up the floor
around the toilet.
244
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,436
Hey, Axle, come on
and join us over here.
245
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,312
We're jamming.
246
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,751
Yeah, come on, man.
It wouldn't be a jam without...
247
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,916
Who is that guy?
248
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,795
The name's Awful Grungy
or something.
249
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,710
I don't... I don't know him.
250
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:03,708
But I know that's Peggy,
and I believe we all remember her.
251
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,435
I think I remember him.
252
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,677
Didn't he use to be
the fifth Monkee?
253
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,594
Hey, Ankle, we're waiting on you.
Come on.
254
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,030
Come on, Daddy,
you never play at home.
255
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,073
Oh, I don't know.
256
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,030
- Hey, fellow rock bros.
- Hey.
257
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,277
- I just had me a groupie.
- All right.
258
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,879
Hey, why don't you jam with us.
259
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,592
Come on, Al, for old time's sake.
260
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,151
Hey, man, where'd you learn
to play pastrami like that?
261
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,555
A little after-hours deli
on the South Side.
262
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,355
Wild, man. You got cold cuts
in your blood, man.
263
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,358
By the way, a little mustard
on your pants.
264
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,552
Flight 107 to Tucson
now boarding Gate 4A.
265
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:27,988
That's us. Let's go.
266
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:30,868
Well.
267
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,911
Come on, time to go.
268
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,315
Say goodbye to first-class Axle...
269
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,238
...and hello to standby Al.
270
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,359
Hey, Axle.
271
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:42,788
Where you going?
272
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,513
Forgot my ticket.
273
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,075
Ticket? You don't need a ticket.
Everybody knows you.
274
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,874
Yeah, come on. We got
the whole first-class compartment...
275
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,275
...all to ourselves.
And we're doing a benefit...
276
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,789
...and we need all the big stars
we can get, Axle.
277
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,560
Yeah, there aren't many
bigger stars than you...
278
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,478
...Maxwell.
279
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:05,356
Come on, we need your blue-eyed,
bad-wigged soul.
280
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:06,879
Gee, why not, Al?
281
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,116
lt'd be just like singing
in the shower.
282
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,673
If you sang.
283
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,836
Or showered.
284
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,428
Come on.
285
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,868
Oh, all right. Let's go.
286
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,355
Wait a second, wait a second.
287
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,637
I need Lucille.
288
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,318
- Take no prisoners.
- Peanuts!
289
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,390
All right. And now, as promised...
290
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:39,388
...the world premiere
of the superstar video...
291
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,511
...for Old Aid.
292
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,517
We are the old
293
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,871
We've got arthritis
294
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,197
- Our gums are weak
- So weak
295
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,119
From gingivitis
296
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,432
We are the old
297
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,837
We've got arthritis
298
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:16,070
We are the ones who wear bifocals
And have bursitis
299
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,751
There are people younger
300
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,952
But we heed another call
301
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,436
We really need the money
302
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,679
Our accountants took it all
303
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,553
We sing to you
304
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,192
Those who have money
305
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,630
Once we was cool
306
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,913
But now we just dress funny
307
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,395
We need your help
308
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,149
So please, please dig deep
309
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,511
Don't call after 10
310
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,679
'Cause we'll be asleep
311
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,395
We have Medicare
312
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,751
And anti-gas pills
313
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:12,433
But without your help
We can't pay our alimony bills
314
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:13,993
Take it, Axle.
315
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,552
We are the old
316
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,273
They are the old
317
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:31,993
We have arthritis
318
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,679
They have arthritis
319
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,633
Once we were gods
320
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,035
Now golf excites us
321
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,798
Golf excites them.
322
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,149
So write a check
323
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:43,509
A really big one.
324
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,712
For our December
325
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,514
There's one more verse
326
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,269
But we can't remember
327
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,751
Sing this, Axle.
328
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,995
One more time.1
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,315
Isn't this great?
2
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,672
Look at the Duke.
3
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,757
One of his finest films:
4
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,633
I Shoot Them
Because They're Injuns.
5
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,318
As a woman viewer...
6
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,999
...what's your opinion, pumpkin?
7
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,873
Daddy, I would rather be reading.
Does that tell you anything?
8
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,391
It tells me you're a girl.
9
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,672
Which means your opinion
means less to me than the dog's.
10
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,433
Bud, what do you think?
11
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,870
I'm thinking this Duke guy
walks a lot like you...
12
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,355
...when you have to go
to the bathroom.
13
00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,268
I copied that walk.
14
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,436
I figured the reason
he does it like that...
15
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,598
...is because no one in these movies
ever goes to the bathroom.
16
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,951
That's what the folks in show biz
called subtext.
17
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:12,312
I wonder what kind of toilet paper
they used to use in the Old West.
18
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,877
Thank you for getting him
started on this.
19
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,555
Oh, my God. It's the Duke.
20
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,275
Now he's gonna start wondering
when they went to the bathroom.
21
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,070
And who invented the toilet bowl.
22
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,874
It'd make a better movie
than that damn Columbus.
23
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,032
After all, America was already here.
24
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,708
It takes some thought
to think up a toilet bowl.
25
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,958
Does this Duke guy
still make movies?
26
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,878
No.
27
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,877
Duke is dead.
28
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,757
And what about that guy, Daddy?
Does he still make movies?
29
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,516
Blackie Rabinowitz,
king of the bad guys.
30
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,631
Alas, he's dead too.
31
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,513
And what about the white guy
playing the Indian?
32
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,071
He's dead.
33
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,033
What about the white guy
playing the black guy?
34
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,108
Dead.
35
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,594
- And him?
- Dead.
36
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,438
- And him?
- Dead.
37
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,392
They're all dead.
38
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,753
Everyone in every movie I like
is dead.
39
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,237
Only me and Charlton Heston
are still alive.
40
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,037
Wait, look, it's Fuzzy.
41
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,028
See him, with his hat turned sideways?
That's how you know he's a sidekick.
42
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:33,148
Look at this, Fuzzy's riding his mule,
Dadgummit, backwards.
43
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,548
Fuzzy McGee,
the greatest of the sidekicks.
44
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,355
Now, look.
He's gonna chaw, then spit.
45
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,638
He's hitting that mule on the foot.
46
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,116
Now watch, now watch.
He's gonna go, "Whoa."
47
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,475
Fuzzy McGee, he's still alive.
48
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,238
Matter of fact, he's still working.
49
00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,476
He just made a commercial
just the other day.
50
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,877
You know, that one
for adult diapers, Soak 'Ems.
51
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,512
You remember. " For when you
just can't quite say 'whoa' anymore."
52
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,829
Oh, Fuzzy McGee. He'll outlive us all.
53
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:17,350
We interrupt Western Geezer Theatre
for a special announcement.
54
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,273
Chicago's beloved Fuzzy McGee...
55
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,278
...better known to our younger viewers
as Sheriff Soak 'Ems...
56
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,708
...died today.
57
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,799
Fuzzy is survived by his trusty mule,
Dadgummit.
58
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,958
I can't believe this.
59
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,230
Everybody's dead.
60
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,514
Makes you think about things, Peg.
61
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,551
Life and death...
62
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,718
...where we're headed,
what's it all mean?
63
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:49,519
Why, when a woman's shoe size
is nine, her sock size is 10 to 13.
64
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,234
It just doesn't make any sense.
65
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,199
I think that's the one
that bothers me the most.
66
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,628
Don't worry, honey.
67
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,070
You know, men have
confusing sizes too.
68
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:04,910
I mean, look how big
your thumbs are and yet...
69
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:11,868
Fuzzy McGee.
70
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,832
Fuzzy was married three times.
71
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,430
He had 10 children,
and 22 grandchildren.
72
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,757
Not to mention millions of fans
all around the world.
73
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,872
Never was a man so beloved.
74
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,877
Well, I guess we're all here.
75
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,233
Anyhow, he died.
76
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,431
So will you. So will I.
77
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,870
I'm depressed, I'm going home.
78
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,516
Well, boy, I guess...
79
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,551
...you and me
are the only one who cares.
80
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,155
Well, I guess it is up to I...
81
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,158
...to speak at Fuzzy's last roundup.
82
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,876
Fuzzy McGee.
83
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,271
There was a man...
84
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,040
...and a great sidekick.
85
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,280
Where are today's sidekicks?
86
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,596
Oh, the potential
of a young Rick Moranis...
87
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,995
...or a Steve Guttenberg...
88
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,111
...or Martin Short.
89
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,516
Oh, the goofy, limping,
word-mispronouncing sidekicks...
90
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,278
...they could be.
91
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,835
But instead they wanna be stars.
92
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,758
Good luck.
93
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:46,069
Short couldn't even hold his own
in Three Amigos.
94
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,992
But Fuzzy knew his place.
95
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,191
He was a sidekick.
96
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,915
He was a wuzzy-wuzzy sidekick,
wasn't he?
97
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,190
He really was.
98
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,233
Well, Fuzzman, this one's for you.
99
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,239
Excuse me, sir.
100
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,112
My grandfather died.
101
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,470
He loved "O Sole Mio."
102
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:20,954
Two dollars, you sing to him?
103
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,509
We're talking about cash, right?
104
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,430
Peg, good news.
105
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,712
They've raised minimum wage
for the bald?
106
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,073
You don't deserve it, but I'll tell you.
I've been singing...
107
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,157
...and my throat is parched.
108
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,631
Does a body good.
109
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,038
Wait a sec, got some milk
stuck in my teeth, Peg.
110
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,553
Peg...
111
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,716
...I need to talk to you.
112
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,956
After watching that movie,
it made me think...
113
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,958
...about where I wanna spend
my final resting place.
114
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,152
So I went right out today
and I bought a plot. I couldn't wait.
115
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,191
Because I've decided that I wanna...
116
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,995
...spend eternity next to someone
that I really, really love.
117
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,553
Oh, Al.
118
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,991
So I decided to be buried
next to old Fuzzy.
119
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,552
Oh, honey.
120
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,436
And the mule.
121
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,635
Oh, sweetheart.
122
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,436
You know, honey,
they really don't need their own plot.
123
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,312
Sweet of you to think
of them, though.
124
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,279
Hell are you talking about?
I'm gonna be buried...
125
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,916
...next to Fuzzy McGee
and Dadgummit the mule.
126
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,674
Well, what about me?
127
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:22,317
Come on, Al.
Let me be dead with you.
128
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,072
You know, we never do anything
together anymore.
129
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,236
If this is the way
you repay my love...
130
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,955
...when you die,
I'm gonna bury you in a dress...
131
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:36,230
...with white hose
that make your legs look thick.
132
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:38,948
- Hi.
- Hi.
133
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,549
We were just wondering,
do you know where Seven is?
134
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,638
- No.
- Well, let me put your mind at rest.
135
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,035
He's been living with us
for the last three days.
136
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,198
- He walked in and wouldn't leave.
- He's improving slowly.
137
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,119
He still can't read, write,
or use a knife and fork...
138
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:58,155
...but he has learned how to chant " Kill
the Bundys" with the other neighbours.
139
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:02,316
If you don't mind, we were thinking
of renaming him Henry, after my father.
140
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,751
- Sure, that's all right with me.
- What do we care, do what you want.
141
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,349
What we want is for you
to come and get him.
142
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,834
He's irritating.
143
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,953
He calls us Dad and Little Dad.
144
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,712
Marcie, we don't have time
for this now.
145
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,717
We are in the middle of an argument.
146
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,911
Al doesn't wanna be buried
next to me.
147
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,588
Isn't that the most ridiculous thing
you've ever heard?
148
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,552
Well, frankly, yes.
149
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,957
I think when two people
take the marriage vows, it's sacred.
150
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,833
That's why I'm going to be buried
next to my husband Steve.
151
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,110
My name is Jefferson.
152
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,828
And I'm your husband now.
And, oh... And by the way...
153
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,192
...we are not in bed, so there's
no excuse for calling me Steve.
154
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,836
He is your ex-husband.
155
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,678
Oh, don't take it personally.
156
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,190
Every woman screams out "Steve"
during sex. Don't they, Peggy?
157
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:57,631
Not me, it's too long a name.
158
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,990
Oh, now, don't pout.
159
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,873
You've got all this now,
you're already in heaven.
160
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,196
Oh, God.
161
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,831
Why worry about later.
162
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,235
Oh, so I'm just the one sharing
a bed with you...
163
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,556
...in these, your declining years.
164
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,910
I want you to take care of me
when I'm dead.
165
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,190
I want my hair done
by my own hairdresser...
166
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,038
...not the guy down at the mortuary.
167
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,913
You know,
the guy who does Al's hair.
168
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:29,834
I'm warning you, Marcie.
169
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,397
I'm not gonna soap up and dance
for you until this is provided for.
170
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,275
You have to tonight,
my mother's coming.
171
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:43,159
Marcie, I made that videotape for her
so she wouldn't have to come over.
172
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,992
Oh, I'm telling you,
I think I feel a headache coming on.
173
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,915
Oh, all right.
You know I can't say no to you.
174
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,031
- Oh, Steve.
- Steve?
175
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,280
All right, we are going home...
176
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:05,476
...and I am gonna rock the Steve
out of you, baby.
177
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,028
It always works.
178
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,712
Why don't you ever rock me, Al?
179
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,709
Because I'd rather stone you.
180
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,558
Peg, I've been thinking,
I've got one pair of clean underwear...
181
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,797
...from that three-pack you bought me
in the spring of '79.
182
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,550
I'd like to be buried in that.
183
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,079
Fine.
184
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:42,070
Impress Fuzzy with the underwear that
I bought you for our 13th anniversary.
185
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,397
You know, you male corpses
are all alike.
186
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,153
Never a thought for the woman...
187
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,511
...who spent her life
getting you into that grave.
188
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,836
You have no idea
what it's like out there.
189
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,951
A dead woman alone.
190
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,912
No man is interested
in a dead woman.
191
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,554
And if he is,
he wants a dead young woman.
192
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,352
Boy, my life is over.
193
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:06,314
I'm gonna be a dead woman
with children. Oh, my God.
194
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,400
Who will want to marry
a dead woman with children?
195
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,950
Maybe Mickey Rooney.
196
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:16,310
Yeah, by the time I'm dead,
I'll be lucky if it's Andy Rooney.
197
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,959
I'm not kidding, Al.
I wanna be buried with you.
198
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,472
- I feel a whine coming on.
- Oh, God, no.
199
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:28,672
- Yep, yep, I feel it coming.
- Hey, no.
200
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:34,716
Al!
201
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:40,438
Al!
202
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,995
I don't wanna be alone.
203
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,714
You don't love me.
204
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,229
Oh, all right, Peg!
205
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:53,158
You've already ruined my whole life,
you may as well ruin my death.
206
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,155
Oh, Al.
207
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,354
"Oh, Al," indeed.
208
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,558
- Here's a fine casket.
- Very nice.
209
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,718
And this one is top of the line.
210
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,717
Solid bronze...
211
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,117
...with a comfy velvet lining.
212
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,071
Oh, my God, there's a dead man in it.
213
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,919
Harry, he looks like
somebody dug him up.
214
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,233
How long was I out?
215
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,350
Gee, they must have smelled
you father's socks.
216
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,195
Mom, if I may be so bold...
217
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,755
...set aside the funds
you were gonna spend today...
218
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,873
...and trust us to handle the details
when the dark day comes.
219
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,033
I thought you said we were
gonna throw them on the grill...
220
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,674
...and flush their ashes
down the toilet.
221
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,192
Have you changed your mind?
222
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,755
What, are you getting soft?
223
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,278
You two scamps
certainly have a fine sense of humour.
224
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,232
Well, it's... Yeah.
225
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,114
Honey, we have to buy
and we have to buy today.
226
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,593
So you like this one?
227
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,075
- Yes, I do.
- Well, I don't.
228
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:18,793
I'd like to see something else.
229
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,592
We need a little more room up top.
230
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,074
You know, for my hair.
231
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,872
Oh, yes, well...
232
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,834
...with a little customizing,
we can give you a bubble top.
233
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,589
Designed to bring big hair
safely into eternity.
234
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,312
Gee, Al, I have a bubble top.
235
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,751
And you will as long as
they make strong bras.
236
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,954
- You love the guys.
- I do.
237
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,193
I must say, you two are planning
your funeral a bit early.
238
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,790
You must have
some terminal disease.
239
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:56,828
Yes...
240
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,678
...marriage.
241
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,837
Yes, we get quite a few of those.
242
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,837
Most people feel that marriage...
243
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,952
...eases the transition to death.
244
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,753
If you'll excuse me,
I see some customers.
245
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,633
- So we are gonna burn them?
- Yes, that's what I was trying...
246
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,354
Say, you kids dying?
247
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,154
No, virgins are just pale.
248
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,757
Thus, the healthy hue on her face.
249
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,356
So you're brother and sister.
250
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,233
Well, it's never too early
to plan you funeral.
251
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,318
With the world being what it is today,
let's face it...
252
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,193
...you kids don't stand a chance.
253
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,312
I can't say that I'm not pleased
about it, though.
254
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,754
A lot of young people
are planning their funeral nowadays.
255
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,916
It's the hep thing to do.
256
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,712
In the funeral business, we say:
257
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,717
"Can you dig it?"
258
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,594
Sir, you are one cool ghoul.
259
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,396
Yes, indeedy-oso.
Let's talk coffin, shall we?
260
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,639
This one just screams you,
young fellow.
261
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,356
This is our
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle coffin.
262
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,791
I understand Michael Jackson
got one for Macaulay.
263
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,391
It's a surprise.
264
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:19,152
Oh, my brother doesn't need a coffin.
You can just put him into a Trix box.
265
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,517
She only says that
because I do it like a bunny.
266
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:28,229
Kids, don't you think that Daddy should
wear his wedding ring when he's dead?
267
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:29,873
I married till death do us part.
268
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,469
Which means when I'm dead,
I'm free to date.
269
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,428
This is it?
270
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,956
This is your final resting place?
271
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,310
Well, there's no spot for me.
272
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,080
That's why it's called
a resting place.
273
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,869
Well, it sucks.
274
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,631
I wanna be buried above ground.
275
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,638
I don't like all those insects
bothering me.
276
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,159
They always bite me.
277
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,794
It's because I'm so sweet.
278
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:04,392
Maybe it's because of the 200 bonbons
she puts away every week.
279
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,799
I want another spot.
280
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,197
Fine, Peg, get yourself another spot.
But I have my spot.
281
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,436
I'm going to be buried
next to the Fuzzball.
282
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,870
You'd better let me know
if you don't want it.
283
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,356
Because Fuzzy McGee
was considered a genius in France.
284
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:22,758
I believe they called him
Le Grand Fuzz.
285
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,032
When news of his passing hits Paris,
this place will be swarming...
286
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,231
...with a lot ruder people
than you two.
287
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,635
I was smart to buy when I did.
288
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,156
Would you tuck that big hair
back into your nose.
289
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:40,119
Now do you see why
I ordered a bubble top for him too?
290
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,668
You know, by the way...
291
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:45,350
...I have heard that your nose hairs
continue to grow after death.
292
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,755
So could you bury him face up?
293
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,315
That way, the nose hairs can
sort of break through...
294
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,353
...and it'll be like
we have our own tree.
295
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,154
- And it'll be free.
- Yeah.
296
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,909
Anyway, I wanna be buried
next to Al.
297
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,473
This is what we're gonna do:
298
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,070
We're just gonna move Fuzzy over.
299
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,713
Who's got that one next to him?
300
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,150
That's reserved
for his beloved mule.
301
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,519
Well, certainly we can
move the mule.
302
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,153
We'll just chop him up...
303
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,715
...and bury him
in some crummy cans of dog food.
304
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,555
That way, everybody's a winner.
305
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,919
Then, we dig up the Fuzzster,
put him into the mule hole...
306
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,951
...and I will go here.
307
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,630
Then Al and I
can be together forever.
308
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,718
Hasn't it already been forever?
309
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:38,593
Honey, just pretend we're in bed,
and let me take care of everything.
310
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,476
How much for everything?
311
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,831
All right, let's see.
312
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:50,039
That's bubble tops,
digging up dead man...
313
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,708
...ignoring deceased's last wish...
314
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:56,993
...grinding up mule into pulp.
315
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,111
Tax plus tip.
316
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,356
Let's say $27,000.
317
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:06,439
Well, we might have to
cut out a few frills.
318
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,598
How much is it if it's just
for the two plots and you toss us in.
319
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,715
That depends. Are we
doing the digging, or are you?
320
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,594
Well, I figured the wife would.
321
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,630
Let's cut to the bottom
of the grave, sir.
322
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,115
What do you have to spend?
323
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,830
A hundred dollars.
324
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,917
You looky-loos.
325
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,317
It's people like you
who take the joy out of death.
326
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,471
Oh, say, you folks look real sick.
327
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,275
And your daughter looks like she'd be
mighty grateful to save a buck...
328
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,311
...if you know what I mean.
329
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,239
Peg, it's a shame.
330
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,193
We don't have enough money
to bury you.
331
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:50,959
But I'm gonna be dead alone.
332
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,549
Oh, man, I can't wait.
333
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,314
Well, what about me?
334
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,398
Well, Peg, I don't care about you,
you work it out for yourself.
335
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,955
Bury yourself wherever you want,
I'm not moving.
336
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,348
Well, Fuzzy, just me and you now.
337
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,393
Thank God, she'd have
driven you crazy.
338
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,757
And, by the way,
in case you overheard...
339
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,111
...I never would have let her move
Dadgummit, I love that damn mule.
340
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,790
Hey, by the way,
we might be getting a tree.
341
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,158
Oh, man, the time we're gonna have.
342
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,874
I'll tell you about
all my high school football stories.
343
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,470
You can tell me where they used to go
to the bathroom in the Old West.
344
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,593
My guess is it's by the horse,
so you could blame him.
345
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,995
Okay, Al.
We took care of everything.
346
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,670
- And it's only gonna cost you $100.
- It doesn't involve moving me?
347
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,950
Nope, you stay where you are,
next to Fuzzy.
348
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,071
Fine, then I don't care.
349
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,033
What are you doing, Peg?
350
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,435
Well, I'm just showing you
where I'm gonna be.
351
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,232
We're gonna share a grave.
352
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,670
They're gonna stack us.
353
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:05,154
Isn't that great?
354
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,999
And whoever dies first
is on the bottom.
355
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,031
Well, that'll be me!
356
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,629
I know!1
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,671
She has no idea what she does to us.
2
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,668
She's the hottest babe at this,
or any, bank.
3
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,633
I seem to have a run
in my stocking.
4
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,993
That's right, want me.
5
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,510
Dream on, teller boys.
6
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,355
If that's for me, baby,
put a little gravy on it...
7
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,950
...and I'll take it home,
because it looks finger-licking good.
8
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,792
This is a bank, Bud...
9
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,355
...not a sex shop.
10
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,717
So besides saving you the cost
of renting Basic Instinct...
11
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,069
...what can I do for you?
12
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:22,957
Well, other than saving you the cost
of renting Lethal Weapon...
13
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:26,512
...you can cash this.
14
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,320
Twenty-five thousand dollars?
15
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,910
What could you possibly do
that would be worth $25,000?
16
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,191
What's that on your chin?
17
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:45,439
Have some of the stronger boys been
rubbing your face in the dirt again?
18
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,871
It's called a beard.
19
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,548
Surely you've seen one before
in the mirror.
20
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,954
Anyhow, it's part of my new
lvy League image.
21
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,515
That cheque is a grant
from the Ridenaur Foundation.
22
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,474
I'm going all the way, all expenses
paid, to Tremaine University.
23
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:10,117
So because you've been a good girl,
I'll give you one final butt flex...
24
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:18,314
...and you can cash that.
And make it snappy.
25
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:23,071
- I've got cheques to write.
- Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy.
26
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,316
There are certain channels
we must go through.
27
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,796
First we must process the cheque,
then there's a waiting period, and...
28
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,072
Hey, baby.
29
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,078
Just got done
with my hair appointment.
30
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,909
Feel it, baby, feel it. Yeah.
31
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,793
Hey, Bud. High-five me, buddy.
32
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,037
Oh, wait. Nails aren't dry yet.
33
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,110
Air high-five.
34
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,954
Oh, you got a little dirt on your chin.
35
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,837
Look, babe, I don't have a lot of time.
36
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,429
I've only got about 20 minutes
till my massage.
37
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:06,317
So should we pop into the vault and
do the deed on the deeds, if you will?
38
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:11,716
Mrs. D'Arcy, before you perform
geriatric love gymnastics...
39
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,275
...l'd like to talk to you
about clearing my cheque.
40
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:18,996
All this business talk
is making me lose my edge, baby.
41
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,589
It's cleared. Here.
42
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,030
Here's a chequebook. Here's a pen.
43
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,391
That's still not a beard. Goodbye.
44
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,919
Hey, baby. Wanna go to lunch?
45
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,558
Did someone rub your face
in the dirt?
46
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,597
It's a beard.
47
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,915
You like the way it goes
with my chequebook?
48
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,271
Oh, sexy.
49
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,233
Yeah, and I love you for your mind.
50
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,792
Let's go.
51
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:08,431
I'm sorry, sir, but you can visit
your wife's ashes in 20 minutes.
52
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,599
Why don't you just keep her
under the mattress like normal people.
53
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,469
They won't let me see my wife.
54
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,592
Well, take a look at mine,
that ought to cure you.
55
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,319
You know, Peg, I feel good. I do.
56
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,318
I promised Bud I'd keep putting money
into his college fund...
57
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,272
...and I'm keeping my word.
58
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,829
I'd like to deposit this, thank you.
59
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,998
Are you depositing
the entire quarter?
60
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,868
Do I look Japanese?
61
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,514
I want 5 cents back, please.
62
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,076
And give it to me in ones.
63
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:53,478
You see, it's allowance day,
and we are a family of five.
64
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,036
You know, honey,
I am so proud of you.
65
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,390
We opened this account
when Bud was a baby...
66
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:04,152
...and now 20 years later,
with one deposit, you're doubling it.
67
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,759
Here's your receipt and your cash.
68
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,316
Would you like a bank guard
to escort us to the car?
69
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,115
Nah, we tip him and the valet guy,
we walk out of here with 3 cents.
70
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,193
Hey.
71
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:23,150
"Twenty-five thousand dollars
and 50 cents"?
72
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,352
Boy, that compound interest
really mounts up.
73
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,718
Wait a minute, Al.
Don't you get it?
74
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:34,675
The bank has made a mistake
in our favour.
75
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,273
Shut up. Now, just look normal.
76
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,350
All right, we have got to make
a withdrawal right away...
77
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,597
...before they find out
about their mistake.
78
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,109
Excuse me, please.
79
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,758
- We'd like to make a little withdrawal.
- I wanna say the number.
80
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,349
- I wanna say the number.
- Hush.
81
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,599
We would like to withdraw
25,000 dollars and 25 cents.
82
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,234
Yeah, and get that 25 cents
in pennies.
83
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,556
Not everybody can change a nickel
these days.
84
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,953
Ain't life grand?
85
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,995
What if the bank finds out
they made a mistake...
86
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,909
...and they want all their money back?
- That's why we bought perishables.
87
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,750
They can get it back all right,
but do they really want it?
88
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,195
Yeah, who'd want Daddy's tuxedo back
after it's been on his body?
89
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,115
Come and get it.
90
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,353
But what about
our shiny new appliances?
91
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,678
Well...
92
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,830
Not new anymore.
93
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,233
Now it's ours.
94
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,272
Now it's ours forever.
95
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,672
And so are you, pumpkin.
96
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,033
Gee, I wonder why Buck
would miss this meal.
97
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,116
What's going on here?
98
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,951
Park it, boy.
99
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,991
Come, my dear.
100
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,872
Gee, Bud, big news.
101
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:54,393
Not as big as mine.
Family, I'm moving out.
102
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,592
I'm going to Tremaine University
and I'm gonna live on campus.
103
00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,756
I got a $25,000 grant.
104
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,598
Peg, this run of luck is unbelievable.
105
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,472
He got $25,000 too.
What are the odds?
106
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,598
- Al...
- No, not now, Peg.
107
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,633
No, my boy just got into
a bigtime college...
108
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,435
...and time for him and his dad
to have a little talk.
109
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,279
Personally, though, I never
wanted to talk to my dad.
110
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:29,759
Well, I'm not really like a dad,
more like a cool older friend.
111
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,392
You know, son, I know you're
always proud of your old man.
112
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,197
You bet, Dad.
113
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,392
Nice mashed-potato stain.
114
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,513
Anyhow, son, now I'm proud of you.
115
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,554
Well, you were never
a great athlete in high school...
116
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,631
God, it must have been cold
there in my shadow.
117
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,838
But then I thought it'd give you
more time for the chicks.
118
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,952
Then your personality killed that.
119
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,117
Then you brought home
report cards with all A's.
120
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:15,678
I didn't say anything at the time,
but then I was truly ashamed.
121
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,079
A boy getting all A's, you know.
122
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,029
Boy, did I hear about that
from the boys down at the barbershop.
123
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,470
But now, son, you're going
to a bigtime college.
124
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,036
And you're gonna get a chance to do
something that I've only dreamed of.
125
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,468
Make business contacts?
126
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,274
No, who wants to hang out
with a bunch of smart little...
127
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,155
...sexually-deprived A students,
wouldn't know a breast from a football...
128
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,271
...because they never
touched either?
129
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,317
You know the type
I'm talking about, son.
130
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,715
Yeah.
131
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,029
Anyhow, the only reason
I ever wanted to go to college...
132
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,550
...was to experience
one good panty raid.
133
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,037
And now you're gonna
do that for me, son.
134
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,915
But son, heed your father's advice:
135
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,680
Stay away from the big panties.
136
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,554
You'll see enough of those
on the shower rod after you're married.
137
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,876
Go for the little ones, boy.
Go for the little ones.
138
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:24,231
Because you don't want a girl
who wears big underpants.
139
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,317
Because a girl who wears
big underpants...
140
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,637
...has big stuff under her pants.
141
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,628
Thanks, Dad.
142
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,832
If it weren't for you, I'd probably
grab the first pair I saw.
143
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,031
Probably would have been a big one.
144
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,153
Well, folks, normally I'd ask
where all this stuff came from...
145
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,669
...but since I'm moving out tonight...
146
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,475
...let's just leave that little secret
between you and the sheriff's office.
147
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,199
I'm gonna go pack.
148
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,437
Honey, wash your face.
You have some dirt on your chin.
149
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:08,308
It's a beard. Never mind,
I'll wash my chin.
150
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,750
The important thing is,
I feel like a grownup.
151
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,520
I wrote a cheque for a year's deposit
on my dorm room...
152
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,472
...and I wrote a cheque for my tuition.
153
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,319
I bought a new wardrobe
and a few things for my dorm.
154
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,195
Now I'm gonna take my chequebook
and go buy me a nice little car.
155
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,516
Guys...
156
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,473
...this is the happiest day of my life.
157
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,996
We're all proud of you, son!
158
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,708
I think we stole his money, Peg.
159
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,673
Now, we agreed we love Bud too much
to tell him what we did.
160
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,677
His cheques are bouncing
all over town...
161
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:56,078
...and even if he didn't see himself
on America's Most Wanted, Kelly did.
162
00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:00,273
So it's only a matter of time before she
realizes who he is and calls the feds.
163
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,836
Well, we just have to convince him
to quit school and come home with us.
164
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,759
Shouldn't be too hard.
The poor guy's probably homesick.
165
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,952
Longing for his mommy and daddy.
166
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,158
Who are you?
167
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,558
It's us.
168
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:21,151
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't call.
Get used to it.
169
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,552
Come on in.
170
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,676
Jumping Jehoshaphat, what a room.
171
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:36,476
Yeah. We can't let you live like this.
You better come home with us...
172
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,558
...where at least you'll have
someone to talk to.
173
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,914
Hi, Bud.
174
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,998
Hi, girls. I'm sorry,
I'm not properly dressed.
175
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,077
Just give me one sec.
176
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,668
Bud, are you gonna introduce us
to your little friends?
177
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,110
Nope, don't think I am.
178
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,352
What can I do for you lovely ladies?
179
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,677
We just wanted to tell you
we'll be in the shower right next door.
180
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,269
So no peeking, now.
181
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,077
Your grandpa got lost.
182
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:30,319
We'll see you later,
you cute old man.
183
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,232
See that, Peg? They think I'm cute.
184
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:39,389
Yes. Honey, they must think
you're that rapper, Ice Age.
185
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,160
And, Bud, why do you have girls
in your dorm room?
186
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,716
Just part of my new lucky streak.
See, all the guys' dorms were full...
187
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,071
...so they put me
in the women's dorm.
188
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,794
Luckily they knew I was
mature enough to handle it.
189
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,831
Excuse me one moment.
190
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,675
That's low, son.
191
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,792
It's too low, you'll be looking
at kneecaps. Move it up, boy.
192
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,752
Move it up.
193
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,869
- AI, we are here to talk to Bud.
- I am talking to Bud.
194
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,548
Come on, boy,
make a hole for Daddy.
195
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,828
Well, perhaps this, as well as every
other task traditionally for the male...
196
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,268
...is up to me.
197
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,598
What your father would say, if his
tongue wasn't stuck in that peephole...
198
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,951
...is that we think college
is too much pressure for you.
199
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,594
We believe that you belong
in the Army.
200
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,116
They'll pay you and prepare you
for a nice career driving tanks...
201
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,788
...or shining shoes.
202
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,434
Your father never went to college
and look at him.
203
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,910
She dropped the soap.
204
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,109
Pick it up, baby.
205
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,552
Got soap in my eye. Peg.
Peg, I got soap in my eye.
206
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,316
Perhaps your father
is a bad example.
207
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:15,669
Of everything.
208
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:20,393
Mom, Dad, it's been more of a thrill
than you know.
209
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:24,195
Now, look, Bud, if you should decide
that you wanna come home...
210
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,391
...or not necessarily want to,
but have to...
211
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,592
...just remember
that our door is always open.
212
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,074
I know you're in there!
213
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,118
Let me in!
214
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,518
Now aren't you glad
I made you change the locks?
215
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,234
It was genius, Peg.
216
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,715
By the way, when do I get my key?
217
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:57,109
Open up! I want your hides!
218
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,955
We got the TV on real loud in here
and we can't hear you.
219
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,872
Free pizza delivery.
220
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:12,712
- That's your son, you idiot.
- But, Peg, what if you're wrong?
221
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,708
All right, stand back! I'm coming in!
222
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,231
- Thanks, pal.
- No problem.
223
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,113
But next time can we start
with the helmet on?
224
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,715
Hey, Bud, what's shaking?
225
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,117
Come here. I think we need to chat.
226
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,911
We're busy over here now, Bud.
It's your mother and I's quality time.
227
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,758
Come here now!
228
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,748
Funny thing happened to me today.
229
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,512
I was in my dorm room studying
when a bunch of babes came in...
230
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,757
...and invited me to my first
college pyjama party.
231
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:05,319
But not just any pyjama party.
A bottoms-only pyjama party.
232
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,030
Save your pathetic high-five.
233
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,354
Because just as I was about to see
some Midwestern, corn-fed boobies...
234
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,714
...I was dragged away
by the campus police.
235
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:25,152
It seems that every single cheque
I wrote to the college bounced.
236
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,430
Do you have anything to tell me?
237
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,553
Well, it was your mother's idea.
238
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,192
- It was your father's.
- Your mother's.
239
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,799
- Your father's.
- Your mother's!
240
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,878
- It was your sister's.
- It was the girl's.
241
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,155
So you see, Bud, there's no reason
why we can't be friends.
242
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,116
Come on, Bud. We didn't mean
to do anything wrong.
243
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,880
We just thought we were stealing
from a bank.
244
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:57,074
Yeah, it was just one of those
madcap goofs that don't hurt nobody...
245
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,111
...except you.
246
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:03,478
Yeah. Well, I'm still gonna go
to Tremaine University.
247
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:08,151
I'll just live at home
and work off my $25,000 debt.
248
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,511
The good news is, after working
for 40 or 50 years...
249
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,915
...everything I earn will be mine.
250
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,316
Just like your father.
251
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,879
You're a real male Bundy now, son.
252
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,478
Come on, Bud. At least
you're getting an education.
253
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,389
You won't be stuck in some low-paying
waitress job like your sister.
254
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,792
Two hundred, 300, 400...
255
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,797
A one.
256
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,834
I am sure glad I didn't waste my time
in high school learning the three "arfs."
257
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,510
You know, something,
something and "arfrithmetic."
258
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,915
Well, I guess education works
for some people.
259
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,271
This guy came into the diner
who just graduated from your college...
260
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,755
...looking for a job as a busboy.
They said no.
261
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,793
We already had one from Harvard.
262
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,589
- Gee, honey, I'm really proud of you.
- You're not getting any.
263
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,678
Well, you need somebody
to help you count it.
264
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,233
That's true.
265
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:07,149
You'll need to open a bank account,
and I'll help you write cheques.
266
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,918
- Really?
- Yeah.
267
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,430
The first thing you need to know is
you need two names on the account...
268
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:17,077
...of people that can write cheques.
In case you forget your name.
269
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:23,759
Yeah. I don't want the same thing
to happen to me that happened to Bud.
270
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,237
Come on.
271
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,238
Yep.
272
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,434
You're down, aren't you, son?
273
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,195
Well, who could blame you?
274
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,709
What a catastrophe.
275
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,436
Yeah, there's no coming back
from this one.
276
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,119
It...
277
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,519
...was your mother's fault,
by the way.
278
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,392
And even though it wasn't my fault...
279
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,797
And always, always, please remember
it was your mother's.
280
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,555
- I'm gonna make up for it.
281
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,713
I'm gonna make sure, son, that you
get the real college experience.
282
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,032
Dad.
283
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,275
Big underpants.1
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,910
- Yeah!
- All right!
2
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:45,999
Give me a Jack and a beer back.
3
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,077
All right, out of here.
4
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,793
Come on.
5
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:53,913
You know the rules.
6
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,635
The elf bar's right down
the street by the cop bar.
7
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,835
You Santas stink.
8
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,871
Next Santa that talks down to me...
9
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,152
...is gonna be
"Ho, ho, ho-ing" in soprano.
10
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,628
Hey, who left
the ornament on the floor?
11
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,633
He's a high little kicker, huh?
12
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:36,108
- Hey, Bundy.
- Hey, Bundy.
13
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,880
Iskowitz. Gates. Braunstein.
14
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,311
- How's it going over at your mall?
- Well, I've been peed on...
15
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,397
...spit on, snotted on...
16
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,876
...drooled on and thrown up on,
and now it's Miller time.
17
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,915
Give me a beer.
18
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,350
Here's to the death
of Christmas forever.
19
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:02,829
Who are they?
20
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:08,117
Street-corner charity Santas.
They think they're better than us.
21
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,754
They're doing it out of goodness.
22
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,039
If you do good for others,
you are repaid tenfold.
23
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,034
- Why, you son of a...
- Hey.
24
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,870
Easy, big guy. It's not your fault.
He goaded you.
25
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,832
It's just this damn Christmas
has got me down.
26
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,917
Nobody cares what we want.
27
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,355
Anybody want me?
28
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,596
Well, I was gonna go see
Aladdin, but...
29
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,312
Now, there's a guy
with Christmas spirit.
30
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,478
You know, nothing makes you
feel like a kid again at Christmas...
31
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,513
...like opening a two-pack of hooters.
32
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,509
I'm gonna have a great time
with the extra money.
33
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,314
I gotta buy gifts for the family.
34
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,757
I used to have a foolproof
system for Christmas.
35
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,952
I invented it in 1974.
36
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,431
Hey, look, is that Daddy?
37
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,874
No. He won't be anybody's daddy.
38
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,069
Okay, kids, Daddy will be home
any second with our Christmas gifts.
39
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:43,114
He said if we were good,
we'd get gifts. And we've been good.
40
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,754
As far as he knows.
41
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,633
Now, little Bud, what would
you like for Christmas?
42
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,192
Playboys, hooters.
Playboys, hooters.
43
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,309
His first words.
44
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,748
How about you, Kelly?
45
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,872
Well, I want
peroxide and high heels...
46
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:05,278
...and a " Dy-no-mite
Jimmie JJ Walker" doll.
47
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,114
Playboys. Hooters.
48
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,878
Munchkin. Bed wetter.
49
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,877
Oh, now, now...
50
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,390
Honey, it's okay.
Those are the only words he knows.
51
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,637
Like hell.
52
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,636
Now, how about you, little Buck?
What would you like for Christmas?
53
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,077
I want that little chuck wagon
to run through the house...
54
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,271
...and put food in my bowl.
55
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,800
I sure hope Daddy hasn't spent
all our Christmas money...
56
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,357
...on new brakes for the car.
- Look out. No brakes. No brakes.
57
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,391
- Daddy's home.
- Presents.
58
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,079
- Presents.
- Hooters.
59
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,158
- Presents. Presents.
- Hooters. Hooters.
60
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:13,438
Oh, good. Marriage has yet
shrunk me another inch.
61
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,513
There's not much left
to spare, honey.
62
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,069
This is the last year
I'm working in a shoe store.
63
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,759
A fat woman
came into the store today.
64
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,752
Wanted some shoes
for a Christmas party.
65
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,520
Told her to stand on her hands,
put a star on her butt...
66
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,393
...and go as the world's
largest, ugliest tree.
67
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:37,196
Then she has the nerve
to get mad at me because she's fat.
68
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,556
- Daddy?
- What?
69
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,672
I forgot.
70
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,509
Oh, yeah. Daddy?
71
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,119
What?
72
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,831
I forgot again.
73
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,195
Don't say "what" next time.
74
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,636
- Okay, pumpkin.
- Okay.
75
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,432
Daddy?
76
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,438
Daddy?
77
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,797
Daddy?
78
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,358
What?
79
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,437
Now you made me forget again.
80
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,554
Al, do you wanna see
our Christmas lists?
81
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,272
Oh, yeah... Christmas.
82
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,438
Well, you know,
I don't have much money.
83
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,551
What with all that damn dog eats.
84
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:42,316
But it is Christmas, so...
85
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,193
...have you been good?
- Oh, yes, very good. Yes.
86
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,433
Well, that's too bad...
87
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,916
...because my present money situation...
Well, I could probably get...
88
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,793
...some, you know, crummy gifts...
89
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,390
...or one of you could get
one really nice gift.
90
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,154
You know, the kids really don't
like you anymore.
91
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,351
You know, the kids hate you.
92
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,312
It seems like none of you
have been very good.
93
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,158
Hooters?
94
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,393
Playboys.
95
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,632
- Playboys?
- Hooters.
96
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,153
Nah, not this year. Maybe next year.
97
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,033
- lf you're good.
- Daddy?
98
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,149
What good is this gonna do,
you're just gonna forget.
99
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,438
No, I won't.
100
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:36,868
Daddy?
101
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,472
What?
102
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:49,279
It was perfect.
103
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,951
It worked every year,
until two weeks ago.
104
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,277
So every year that Daddy
has any money at all...
105
00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,550
...he gets us to turn on each other.
106
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,352
Then we don't get any presents.
107
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,039
What are we gonna say
this year...
108
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,515
...when he tries to get us
to snitch on each other?
109
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,751
- Bud was bad.
- Kelly was bad.
110
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,996
- Let's tell on Mom.
- Kids, please.
111
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,952
Come on. Now, kids...
112
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,795
Now it's happening again.
We're turning on each other already.
113
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,831
That's why this year I have a plan.
114
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,510
For the two weeks before Christmas,
we are family.
115
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,159
And who's the enemy?
116
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,191
Daddy!
117
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,239
That's right.
Now, what do we want for Christmas?
118
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,271
- A CD player.
- Toys.
119
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,879
A new watch.
120
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,509
Playboys, hooters.
Playboys, hooters.
121
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,312
Look out. No brakes. No brakes.
122
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,311
Daddy's home.
123
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,828
This is the last year
I work at the shoe store.
124
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,109
A fat woman
came in the store today...
125
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,675
...said she wanted some shoes
for a Christmas party.
126
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,440
Told her to stand on her hands,
put a star on her butt...
127
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,029
...and go as the world's
largest, ugliest tree.
128
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,511
Daddy, you told us that one already.
It happened 18 years ago.
129
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:21,753
No, it didn't, it happened today.
I think.
130
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,589
Oh, my God. I'm telling the same
stories over and over again like...
131
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,997
Like Shelley Winters
on The Tonight Show.
132
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,952
I've gotta get out of
the shoe business.
133
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,668
Yeah, Dad. Senile around
with someone who cares.
134
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,110
We got our Christmas lists ready.
135
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:41,036
Oh, Christmas. Well, you know,
I don't have too much money.
136
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,437
Well, I could probably get
a bunch of crummy gifts for you...
137
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,428
...or one of you could have
one really nice gift.
138
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,272
Oh, a united Bundy front, eh?
139
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,118
Well, I've got bad news for you.
140
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,039
You can't outsmart Daddy
because I'm broke.
141
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,312
Rather than see your disappointed
faces on Christmas morning...
142
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,590
...Daddy will be at the nudie bar.
143
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,432
Now...
144
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,279
...who wants to get old Dad a beer?
145
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,193
Honey, you'll have plenty
of money for gifts this Christmas.
146
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,073
We're gonna help you out.
We all got jobs.
147
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,031
You all got jobs?
148
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,349
Oh, man, you guys are the greatest.
149
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,552
You got jobs? Well, what kind
of jobs did you get for yourselves?
150
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,075
No. Not for us.
151
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,350
For you.
152
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,600
- Let's tell him, kids.
- Okay.
153
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,949
With twelve days till Christmas
Your family got for you
154
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,720
- Twelve days fruit picking
- Eleven, off-ramp selling
155
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,309
- Ten, toilets cleaning
- Nine, digging graves
156
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,988
- Eight, snaking sewers
- Seven, spearing rats
157
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:57,512
- Six, training guard dogs
- Five, giving blood
158
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,433
- Four, crash-test dummying
- Three jobs roach killing
159
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:07,193
- Two jobs dog catching
- And one job Santa-ing at the mall
160
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,833
Merry Christmas, Daddy.
161
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,834
No, no, no.
162
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,670
Get him off of me.
163
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,110
Get him off of me.
164
00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:00,432
What's he want a pony for anyway,
to put between two slices of bread?
165
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,433
Next.
166
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,830
What do you want
for Christmas, little boy?
167
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,550
Well, I want an end to pollution.
168
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,591
Let's start here.
169
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,917
Always remember
that Santa hates you.
170
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,233
Yeah? What's he gonna do?
171
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,908
Make me a shoe salesman?
172
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,592
Next.
173
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,190
What would you like
for Christmas, little girl?
174
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,319
A husband to yell at and torture.
175
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,669
Well, I'm sure you'll get one.
176
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,877
What would you like for Christmas?
177
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,111
A cure for the measles.
178
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,439
Next.
179
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,157
Hi, Santa.
180
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,791
Did one of your reindeer
make a no-no?
181
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:11,076
I'm sorry. That must be
the Ghost of Foot Fungus Past.
182
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,033
You don't have to tell Santa
what you want for Christmas.
183
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,390
You want a pair of breasts.
184
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,154
Just like a grown-up woman.
185
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,158
But Santa says,
"Be happy with what you've got.
186
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,511
The body of a young boy."
187
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:36,158
Here, little girl, have a candy cane.
188
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,398
You giving out replicas now, Al?
189
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,716
Well, in that case...
190
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,159
Marcie?
191
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,998
I'm sorry, young fella.
192
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,599
Marcie?
193
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,160
Sorry. Thought you were my wife.
194
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,673
Excuse me, son.
195
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,677
Hey, Marcie.
196
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,271
Good, I've been looking
all over for you.
197
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,438
I found a store that carries
that pump-up bra you wanted.
198
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,915
Now you can pump them up
to be any size you want...
199
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,475
...and you won't have to take
Al's insults any more.
200
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:24,071
And the only one who will know
they're not real is you.
201
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,797
And me.
202
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,598
And me.
203
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,154
Look, Marcie, it's Al.
204
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,270
Oh, God. I'm glad I didn't say anything
that would embarrass me.
205
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,755
Oh, hey. I won't say nothing.
206
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,428
But I'd build her arms up first.
From what I can see...
207
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,632
...she needs to do a lot of pumping.
208
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,513
Hey, move the little boy.
209
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,597
Yeah, we're waiting.
210
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,273
Hey, kids. Santa gives us so much...
211
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,789
...what say we give him
something back?
212
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,831
Yeah!
213
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,117
And a-one, and a-two, and:
214
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,198
Bundy the no man
215
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,079
He's as bald as he can be
216
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,358
With hair in his nose
And rot on his toes
217
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,710
He's as bald as he can be
218
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,148
Just the boys.
219
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,152
Bundy the no man
220
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,238
- Just the girls.
- He's as bald as he can be
221
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,396
- Everyone.
- He's entered old age
222
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:28,794
Making minimum wage
223
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,956
He's as bald as he can be
224
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,388
And around.
225
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,828
Bundy the
226
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,268
- No man
- Bundy the
227
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,799
- No man
- Bundy the
228
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,274
- No man
- Bundy the
229
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,754
- No man
- Bundy the
230
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,269
Bundy...
231
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,392
So I did the 12 jobs in 12 days.
232
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,552
The worst was
the crummy Santa gig.
233
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,639
I had so many knees in my groin,
I thought I was in bed with the wife.
234
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,840
You better give me one more
for the road and then I'm...
235
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,110
I'm off to buy presents.
236
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,594
I'd get you for my son, Bud...
237
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,268
...but he wouldn't know
what to do with you.
238
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,433
"Bud."
239
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,359
"Peg."
240
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,593
"Seven."
241
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,638
"Kelly."
242
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,794
Ah, now, Buck, boy...
243
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,589
I forgot all about you.
244
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,196
Ah, but you're just
a dumb little dog.
245
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,039
You probably don't
even know it's Christmas.
246
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,789
That's okay.
I have a little something for you.
247
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,549
It's called pee,
and it'll be waiting in your slippers.
248
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,396
Yes, sirree, boy.
249
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,670
It's gonna be one fine Christmas.
250
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,274
I told you I smelled Daddy.
251
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,350
- Presents, you guys, we got presents.
- Presents!
252
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,472
- Presents!
- Look. Look. Look. It's me. Kelly.
253
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,636
It's me.
254
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:14,353
Oh, Al. You got me
the watch I always wanted.
255
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,599
Daddy, a CD player, and my first CD.
256
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,439
"Herman's Hermits."
257
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:26,270
"I Am Henry the V-I-I-I One Am."
258
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:31,515
Kel, that's, "I'm Henry Vlll, I Am."
259
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,315
Now, how could you possibly
get that from that bunch of letters?
260
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,428
Oh, Dad...
261
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,279
A "Build Your Own Hooters" kit.
262
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,478
With the lifelike plastic.
263
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,312
"Build them, look at them...
264
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,715
...feel them, trade them
with your friends.
265
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,798
Or put them on
and just scare your mother."
266
00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,833
God, did I need these.
267
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,555
Look, Mom. Hooters! Hooters!
268
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,558
Yes, they're very cute, dear. Here.
269
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:11,754
All right. Now, who's the best daddy
in the world?
270
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,952
Daddy!
271
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,276
Then it was all worth it.
272
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,153
It was all worth it.
273
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,234
It was all worth it.
274
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,631
Wake up, buddy. It's closing time.
275
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,438
I was dreaming.
276
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,870
I gave my son breasts.
277
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,319
That's a very cool dream, sir.
278
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,118
Well...
279
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,871
...how much I owe you?
- Nothing.
280
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,479
You already paid.
281
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,398
For everybody.
282
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:50,275
You were unconscious,
but I felt you wanted to pay.
283
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,914
You being Santa and all.
284
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,516
And now, "Ray"...
285
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,832
...can we talk?
286
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,358
Where's Daddy with our presents?
287
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,120
Look out. No brakes. No brakes.
288
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,718
You know, he hit pretty hard. I hope
nothing happened to our presents.
289
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,353
- Oh, presents.
- Presents?
290
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,312
Presents.
291
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,636
Here's Santa with your presents.
292
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,310
Let's see, now. What do we got here?
Bud. Son.
293
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,431
This is for you.
294
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,320
- "Ray's Bar"?
- Just take it and go away.
295
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,239
Now, let's see. Seven.
296
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,477
Here. Your very first beer steins.
297
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,713
Wow, much cooler than a bike.
298
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,872
- All right. Now, pumpkin.
- Is this for me? Is this for me?
299
00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,672
What do we have in here for you?
300
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,632
Here you are, sweetie pie.
301
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,638
Now, there you go.
302
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:10,517
Now, sweetheart, you never have to
learn how to read.
303
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,751
Even comes with
its own wall. Cool.
304
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,476
Best of all, it's a Ray's.
305
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,516
Ah, now, Buck, boy,
I forgot about you.
306
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,392
But you're just a dumb dog.
307
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,556
You probably don't even know
it's Christmas.
308
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:32,230
And you don't know about
the dead bird I left in your jack et.
309
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,233
Peg.
310
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,558
Try as I might, I couldn't
forget about you.
311
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,069
Oh, Al...
312
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,357
I can't believe it.
313
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,953
But, honey, it says "Ray."
314
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,317
Well, sure, honey.
That's because you're my little...
315
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,229
...ray of sunshine.
316
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,120
Oh, Al.
317
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,038
Oh, Ray.1
00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:23,131
Al.
2
00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:34,900
I knew you'd come back.
3
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,575
They all come back.
4
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,893
You're poison, Al.
5
00:01:41,420 --> 00:01:44,253
But you're my kind of poison.
6
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:46,650
I'm hip.
7
00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:48,532
Pleasure me, baby.
8
00:01:55,660 --> 00:01:58,618
Oh, Al.
9
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:10,813
How dare you wake me up that way.
10
00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:13,771
Who did you think you were kissing?
11
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,812
You.
12
00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,452
I want you to tell me the truth.
13
00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:26,456
Oh, all right.
I was kissing my dream girl.
14
00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:29,697
She was a magnificent young beast
with a great body...
15
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,050
...and luscious hooters.
16
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:37,415
Oh, Al. You do dream of me.
17
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:41,490
All too often.
18
00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,897
Now, honey,
you might wanna freshen up.
19
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,455
We're going to your cousin
Jimmy's wedding.
20
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:48,651
All right, open up.
21
00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:59,331
Missed a spot.
22
00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:06,170
There you are.
Now you're all minty fresh.
23
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:08,934
No tartar under my arms.
24
00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:11,448
Where's my suit?
25
00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:14,049
Oh, God. Men never know
where anything is.
26
00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:16,091
A woman always knows.
27
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,097
Get up, Buck.
28
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,860
Go on. Good boy.
29
00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:27,452
Well, at least it doesn't smell
like you were wearing it.
30
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:29,574
Where's my dress shirt?
31
00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:33,290
Where it always is, honey.
At the bottom of the hamper.
32
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,456
Let's see here.
33
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,612
All right. Okay. Oh, there we go.
34
00:03:40,860 --> 00:03:41,929
Here you are.
35
00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:44,495
I swear, if your head
wasn't attached to your body...
36
00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:46,458
Yeah, Buck could be sleeping on it.
37
00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:50,453
- This shirt needs to be ironed.
- I don't feel like ironing.
38
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,488
- But it's a wedding, Peg.
- Oh, all right.
39
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,418
Okay.
40
00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:11,578
All right. I hope you're happy.
I'm exhausted.
41
00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:14,169
- Now get dressed.
- What for?
42
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:16,894
You're gonna make yourself over
for three hours...
43
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,773
...till you look exactly the same way
you do now.
44
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:23,131
- Where's my socks?
- Right here, sweetheart.
45
00:04:23,340 --> 00:04:24,853
Here you go.
46
00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:28,090
But, Peg, they don't match.
47
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:30,860
And look here, look at this.
48
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:34,372
All right, well, let's see.
49
00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:37,540
There you go. Now they match.
50
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,689
Feels good to give something special
for a wedding.
51
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:44,892
Yeah. They're gonna love
this clock. It's an antique.
52
00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,859
Have you seen
our antique cuckoo clock?
53
00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:52,778
Do you have a warrant?
54
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:57,091
If my sister could form a thought...
55
00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:00,451
...what she meant was, we are sick
of being accused of stealing...
56
00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,015
...every time someone jimmies
open your back door...
57
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,609
...and takes a clock
and a pastrami sandwich.
58
00:05:06,580 --> 00:05:08,298
Now, we demand an apology.
59
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:11,856
Yeah, and it wouldn't hurt to have
pickles in your refrigerator either.
60
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:17,929
In other words, it wasn't us.
61
00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:21,252
Well, you know, Marcie,
we really don't have any proof.
62
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,410
It's Petey!
63
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:32,255
See, I told you they stole my clock.
64
00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:34,974
Jefferson, they must be punished.
65
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:37,648
Something cruel
and highly unpleasant.
66
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:41,773
How about you sit them down
and talk to them for a while.
67
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,739
That's something
they'll never forget.
68
00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:50,572
So you don't like our little talks?
69
00:05:50,780 --> 00:05:53,419
Well, we're just gonna
have to talk about that.
70
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:56,256
Admit it, you always hated Petey.
71
00:05:56,500 --> 00:06:00,891
Now, why would I hate something that
pops out every 15 minutes screaming:
72
00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:05,370
Every hour, every day, every week.
73
00:06:07,380 --> 00:06:08,779
It keeps me up half the night.
74
00:06:08,980 --> 00:06:11,778
I've seen Dionne Warwick
and her Psychic Friends Network...
75
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:15,814
...a thousand times
because of that clock.
76
00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:17,288
And look my eyes.
77
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,855
Look at them. You know how many
cucumbers it takes...
78
00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:22,779
...to keep the puffing
and the swelling down?
79
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:24,811
Well, I do.
80
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:27,369
So last spring...
81
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:31,619
...Petey didn't really just fall
into the toilet bowl, did he?
82
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,097
I hated that clock.
83
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:36,779
Yes, I tried to kill him!
84
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:41,178
I wanted him out of my life,
along with your Elvis plates...
85
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,213
...and your whips and your paddles,
and your big...
86
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:46,138
Okay, honey.
87
00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:51,893
I don't think that's appropriate talk
to have in front of the little thieves.
88
00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:53,255
Where are your parents?
89
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:57,489
Peg, leave it alone.
It happens to be mine.
90
00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:00,737
But it just hangs lifelessly.
91
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:04,172
Let me fiddle with it.
I'll straighten it out.
92
00:07:05,580 --> 00:07:08,617
For God's sake, Peg,
you're gonna pull it off!
93
00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:12,736
Now it's too long.
94
00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:16,373
Most women like it that way.
95
00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:20,096
I don't care what women like.
I'm the one gotta lug it around.
96
00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:25,417
How can these children
possibly know right from wrong?
97
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:28,054
They need a strong male figure
in their life.
98
00:07:28,260 --> 00:07:30,899
What are you gonna do, Marcie,
move in?
99
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:37,816
What exactly do you mean by that?
100
00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:39,248
Do you think I'm bossy?
101
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:42,497
Because I don't think I'm bossy.
Not bossy at all, missy.
102
00:07:43,660 --> 00:07:45,013
Are you calling me masculine?
103
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:48,018
Because I am not masculine.
I'm feminine!
104
00:07:48,220 --> 00:07:50,211
And my softness is out there
for all to see.
105
00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,980
Now, if you don't want
a hook to the liver, little man...
106
00:07:53,180 --> 00:07:55,819
...you'll pick up that clock
and march on home!
107
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,416
It's kind of heavy, Marcie.
108
00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:15,490
Just get the door.
109
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:26,612
I can lift it. Yeah,
and I'll be able to lift it tonight...
110
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:30,130
...when it comes time
to dump old Petey in the toilet.
111
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:36,017
Hey, Petey, surfs up.
112
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:41,015
Which shoes do you like better?
113
00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:43,378
I don't care.
114
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:47,736
- Which shoes do you like better?
- I don't care.
115
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,539
Come on, Al. I'm your wife.
116
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,971
I'm a reflection of you,
and I wanna look good for you.
117
00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:59,458
Besides, you are a shoe professional,
and I'd like your opinion.
118
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,298
Well, given the colour of your hair...
119
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,809
...the colour of your dress,
the time of the day...
120
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:11,738
...and the nature of the event...
121
00:09:11,940 --> 00:09:14,932
...it is my professional opinion that...
122
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,334
Like the gold.
123
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:19,333
Fine. Then I'll wear the black.
124
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,418
Now hook me up.
125
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:26,608
Why do women buy clothing
that fastens in the back...
126
00:09:26,820 --> 00:09:28,412
...so they need help to get dressed?
127
00:09:28,620 --> 00:09:30,611
You don't hear men
in the locker room saying:
128
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,334
"Hey, Fred, give me a hand
with this zipper."
129
00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:36,892
Yeah, they're just saying,
"Hey, Fred, smell this.
130
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:39,455
I don't need a shower, do I?"
131
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,211
So how do I look?
132
00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:44,532
You look nice.
133
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:46,253
Then I have to change.
134
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:49,216
I was only kidding you, Peg.
You look terrible.
135
00:09:49,420 --> 00:09:53,208
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
Come on, Peg, let's go.
136
00:09:56,540 --> 00:09:58,974
Listen, Kel, I need some help.
137
00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:01,256
There's gonna be some girls
at the wedding...
138
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:04,293
...and I'm planning
on buttering one up.
139
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:07,333
Now, what do you think
would be my best pick-up line?
140
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:11,617
All right. How about this:
141
00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:16,172
"Hey, Miss, I'm the Keebler elf.
Would you like some free cookies?
142
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,739
If you've got the time,
I've got the Hollow Tree."
143
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:25,055
Yeah, maybe I asked
the wrong person.
144
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:28,656
You're used to responding to,
"Yo, here."
145
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:35,379
Oh, okay, you little gibbon.
How about this?
146
00:10:35,620 --> 00:10:37,690
You see a girl,
but before she sees you...
147
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,414
...stand on her feet so she can't run.
148
00:10:41,260 --> 00:10:42,534
Then you say to her:
149
00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:45,049
"You are the most beautiful girl
I have ever seen.
150
00:10:45,260 --> 00:10:47,694
I'd love to share a night
of incredible sex with you.
151
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:52,928
No names, no questions, no regrets.
Come be one with me."
152
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,572
You really think that's better than:
153
00:10:57,780 --> 00:11:01,409
"Let's do it. I have my own bedroom
in my parents' house"?
154
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:08,649
- Hi.
- Hi.
155
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:12,296
- Oh, my God. You guys look so great.
- That dress looks so pretty.
156
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:16,175
The three of us are gonna make
one beautiful bridesmaid.
157
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:18,895
Hey, wait,
are we in different colours?
158
00:11:20,340 --> 00:11:23,173
Well, you'd know.
You're the smart one.
159
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:26,334
- Let's colour-coordinate.
- Okay.
160
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:31,333
Who's he?
161
00:11:31,540 --> 00:11:35,135
I don't know. From up here
he looks like an ant.
162
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,848
Hi.
163
00:11:45,060 --> 00:11:47,051
Where did Corky and Heidi go?
164
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:50,809
One of them had an idea,
and the others are crowning her queen.
165
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:53,137
They were supposed
to come right back.
166
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:54,739
I'm driving them to the church.
167
00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:04,291
See anything you like?
168
00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:07,171
Indeed I do.
169
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,898
I think you're the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.
170
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,853
I'd like to share a night
of incredible sex with you.
171
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,938
No names, no questions, no regrets.
172
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:28,812
Come be one with me.
173
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:32,178
What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
174
00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:34,735
I was distracted by the pain.
175
00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:36,817
You're standing on my foot.
176
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:43,529
Did anyone ever tell you how much
you look like the Keebler elf?
177
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:51,493
Well, you wanna come upstairs
and see how cookies are really made?
178
00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:01,495
What am I saying?
Of course you wouldn't.
179
00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:11,249
Let's go upstairs and bake.
180
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,137
You should come too.
181
00:13:22,220 --> 00:13:24,529
Now, thanks to me, we match.
182
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,970
I think we made an excellent choice.
183
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:40,935
Nothing says "bridesmaid" or "easy"
like short, black leather.
184
00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:44,011
Hey, Janie's not in the car.
185
00:13:44,260 --> 00:13:46,137
Well, we can't wait for her.
We'll be late.
186
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:49,770
Relax. They can't start the wedding
without her. She's the bride.
187
00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:59,575
Well, she couldn't have gone anywhere.
Her car's still outside.
188
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:04,579
I just called Information.
They are morons.
189
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:08,532
They didn't even know
that Janie was getting married.
190
00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:13,413
They didn't know anything.
They didn't even know who I was.
191
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:16,811
God, they should call themselves
Stupid-nation.
192
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,699
Well, where could she be?
193
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:22,376
She's in here with the time lady
and the weather guy...
194
00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:28,416
...and that jerk who just goes... when
you leave the phone off the hook.
195
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:32,249
Sometimes I wish I could yell real loud
so I wouldn't need a phone at all.
196
00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,580
Kel, I was talking about Janie.
197
00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:39,329
God, what could a bride be doing
before her wedding?
198
00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:46,898
Hi, guys.
199
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,739
Bud was just showing me
around the house.
200
00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:51,698
Wow, cool outfits.
201
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:55,575
Nothing says "bridesmaid" or "easy"
like short, black leather.
202
00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:59,090
Well, come on. Let's get me married.
203
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:02,099
Aren't you nervous?
204
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:05,770
Not anymore. I'm loose as a noodle.
205
00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:11,092
Bud?
206
00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:36,851
What did you do?
207
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:40,409
A gentleman never tells.
208
00:15:41,380 --> 00:15:43,530
I had sex.
209
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:47,891
With a girl.
210
00:15:49,460 --> 00:15:51,735
And I did it good.
211
00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:55,850
- Oh, my God.
- That's what she said.
212
00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:58,412
Twice.
213
00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:00,498
What? Once when you
got undressed...
214
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:02,895
...and again when you put on
your bunny slippers?
215
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:06,772
Save your barbs for someone
who's not getting any.
216
00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:08,698
Like Mom.
217
00:16:10,660 --> 00:16:13,174
I feel good. Yep, I do.
218
00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:16,895
Talk all you want.
Nothing can bring me down.
219
00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:20,691
You just had sex with your
cousin Jimmy's bride.
220
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,692
Well, that did it.
221
00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:28,975
God, I look great.
222
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:33,896
I am so glad I'm not one of those
women who needs a lot of makeup.
223
00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:38,812
Oh, please.
224
00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:42,979
Only Tammy Faye, Zsa Zsa
and Bozo use more.
225
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:48,175
Oh, come on, Al.
Admit it. I look great.
226
00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:51,736
Hey, I'd look great too
if I used makeup.
227
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:55,093
You know, I'd be one
dynamite-looking babe.
228
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,370
In a masculine way.
229
00:16:57,580 --> 00:17:00,492
I could highlight my eyes.
They're my best quality.
230
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,258
Baby blue.
231
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:05,691
Like Sinatra, Newman, the sea.
232
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,538
Well, maybe my second-best quality.
233
00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:10,453
Because I'm known
for my killer butt.
234
00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:13,732
Oh, yeah. It's very nice, honey...
235
00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:16,852
...and has more hair on it
than your head.
236
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:21,856
That's because my butt doesn't
wake up in the morning looking at you.
237
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:26,414
That's not your butt?
238
00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:30,855
Oh, God, we have
so much fun together...
239
00:17:31,060 --> 00:17:33,699
...especially when
we're belittling you.
240
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:35,458
But you know, I really do...
241
00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:38,538
I think I look as good as I did
the day we got married.
242
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:41,937
Well, that's your opinion.
You take the calls.
243
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,177
Now, come on, Grumpy.
244
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:47,496
You know you love me.
245
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,497
Go on. Say it.
246
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:52,295
I don't want to.
247
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,695
Come on, Al.
248
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:57,334
I love beer. I love bowling.
249
00:17:57,540 --> 00:18:00,054
I don't wanna cheapen
the meaning of the word.
250
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:04,178
All right, then. Don't say it.
251
00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:05,733
Just kiss me...
252
00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:07,976
...and make it a good one.
253
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:11,650
I'd almost kind of rather say it.
254
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:14,934
Oh, all right.
255
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:25,775
Oh, Al. Now you've ruined
my makeup.
256
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,096
Oh, I'll have to start all over.
257
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,972
I never thought you'd really kiss me.
258
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:33,371
- God, what an idiot.
- Oh, now, Peg...
259
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:39,931
Oh, my God.
260
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:42,856
I can't go to the wedding.
261
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:45,893
I must never ever see Janie again.
262
00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:47,972
Although she might kill herself...
263
00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:50,978
...when she finds out
she can never touch this again.
264
00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:55,135
I mean, I know I would
if I couldn't touch me again.
265
00:18:57,860 --> 00:18:59,134
Oh, God.
266
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:01,653
Oh, God.
267
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,211
Boy, that really is safe sex.
268
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:09,489
There's something I have to tell you.
What we did might have been wrong.
269
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,452
You know, with the wedding and all.
270
00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:14,811
Look, I made a mistake. I don't know
how I could have done this.
271
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:16,778
Don't blame yourself.
272
00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:19,335
Blame God for giving me this body.
273
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:22,579
No, it was my fault.
274
00:19:22,820 --> 00:19:26,449
I wanted a final fling with someone
I could never be interested in...
275
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,696
...or attracted to.
276
00:19:29,380 --> 00:19:30,972
And you were perfect.
277
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:33,778
Thanks, baby.
278
00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:35,978
I knew it was perfect.
279
00:19:36,180 --> 00:19:39,377
But you're right.
It can never happen again.
280
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,411
- For Jimmy's sake.
- And ours.
281
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:43,850
Since we both know
he's a psychopathic ex-con.
282
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,979
- I mean, 10 years for attempted murder.
- That's right. I heard he did a drive-by.
283
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:51,056
Well, I gotta go now.
284
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:53,379
Good luck.
285
00:20:01,740 --> 00:20:04,015
I knew you'd come back.
286
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:07,529
They always come back.
287
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:11,092
But they don't always
bring their sisters.
288
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,498
Al.
289
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:20,378
You again.
290
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,131
Come on, honey. Let's go.
291
00:20:23,380 --> 00:20:25,450
And they say women
are the slow ones.
292
00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:27,412
You know, this is an historical first.
293
00:20:27,620 --> 00:20:31,374
We are actually in the bedroom,
and I am waiting for you to finish.
294
00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:36,818
Peg, if I need the time,
I will take the time...
295
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:38,817
...because I care about
what I look like.
296
00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:52,058
I'm ready.
297
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,975
Honey, do you ever think
what it would be like...
298
00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:56,772
...if we never got married?
299
00:20:57,380 --> 00:20:59,735
Actually, I was thinking that
right now, Peg.
300
00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:01,932
Seriously, Al.
301
00:21:02,180 --> 00:21:04,250
Seriously, Peg.
302
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:08,573
Oh, come on. Your life would be hell
without me, and you know it.
303
00:21:08,780 --> 00:21:10,816
You couldn't find anyone
better than me.
304
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,853
Come on, admit it.
I'm your perfect mate.
305
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,568
- Admit it.
- No.
306
00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:19,809
All right, then. Why don't
you give me a picture...
307
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,090
...of what your ideal mate would be.
308
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:23,813
Fine.
309
00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:26,734
A magnificent young girl...
310
00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:30,410
...with a beautiful face, slim thighs...
311
00:21:30,620 --> 00:21:33,532
...and a firm apple of a heinie...
312
00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:37,050
...and a set of delicious,
scrumptious hooters.
313
00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:40,290
Oh, Al, it's me!
314
00:21:42,580 --> 00:21:45,856
Oh, honey,
you would marry me again.
315
00:21:46,060 --> 00:21:47,573
No.
316
00:21:53,460 --> 00:21:55,735
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
317
00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:06,018
What a beautiful bride.
318
00:22:09,540 --> 00:22:12,418
Looks like we'll have a little time
before the wedding.
319
00:22:13,580 --> 00:22:17,255
Good. I didn't like
this dress anyhow.1
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,037
It is 5 a.m.
2
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:26,438
And the morning sun is peeking
through the pines of Lake Chunky.
3
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:30,194
But it is no ordinary morning.
4
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:34,109
The fish must face more
than just the sun today.
5
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,511
The fish must face...
6
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,119
...AI Bundy...
7
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,311
...bass master.
8
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,793
Here it comes.
9
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,435
I shall now cast.
10
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,071
Sorry there, boy.
11
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:05,030
As Al lays his worm
upon the waters...
12
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,392
...a mighty hush
falls over the woodland.
13
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,637
What creature
would dare disturb him?
14
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,352
- Hi, honey.
- The loon, of course.
15
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,318
Al, are you going fishing?
16
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,796
Fishing? What makes you think that?
17
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:36,156
Oh, and, Peg, by the way...
And this is a totally unrelated topic.
18
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,358
- if you're looking for me next week,
I won't be around.
19
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,391
I'll be...
20
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,158
...at work.
21
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,434
Work?
22
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,194
It's a five-day, 24-hour,
daylight-moonlight-daylight...
23
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,119
...moonlight-daylight-moonlight
madness sale.
24
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,039
Well, then they did go
to the right man for the job.
25
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,118
Who but you could go daylight-
moonlight-daylight-moonlight...
26
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,313
...daylight-moonlight without
showering or changing his clothes?
27
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,358
Hey, the shoe game
ain't for sissy boys, baby.
28
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,154
Anyhow, in case you were gonna call,
which you never do...
29
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,920
...but which I know you would
just this once...
30
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,590
...all wives are strictly prohibited from
calling or coming anywhere near...
31
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,189
...the shoe store
for the entire duration of the sale.
32
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,073
Naturally, this has us shoe guys
up in arms, especially me.
33
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,794
Because, Peg, Lord knows,
you is my inspiration.
34
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,628
Al, wait a second, honey.
35
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,236
You just had a hair on your head.
Don't worry, I got it.
36
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,713
So now tell me
where you're really going.
37
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,552
You're not tough enough
to force it out of me.
38
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,636
I'm going on vacation.
39
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:44,871
Good boy. Now, where are we going?
40
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,548
Well, with any luck,
to an early grave.
41
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,195
But right now, I am going...
42
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,675
...to my boss's mountain cabin.
43
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,638
To fish and drink, and drink and fish.
44
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,515
And sometimes even
fish and drink, and drink and fish.
45
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,150
For one week, I am going to pretend
that I'm actually alive.
46
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,475
Oh, look, Peg, it's the paperboy.
47
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,471
Out of the way, shoe yeti.
48
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,468
Oh, Peggy, you'll never guess
what Jefferson did.
49
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,190
Misunderstood your cries
of "pluck me" to the butcher?
50
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:29,033
But clearly, your cries of "pluck me"
to the barber did not go unanswered.
51
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,910
Marcie, have the nerve to face me
when you're speaking to me.
52
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,195
You are. Hey, we gotta get you
a sign says "front" and "back."
53
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,831
Then we should get you one
for your pants, eh?
54
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,990
Listen to this.
Even though Jefferson has a job...
55
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,351
...he is still charging his lunches
on my credit card.
56
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,518
And you should see the size of the tips
he leaves the waitresses.
57
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,756
You know what he said
when I called him on it?
58
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,633
"Hey, babe, I'm good-looking."
59
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,673
That's his answer to everything.
60
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,273
What's his answer to cries of:
61
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,552
"Hey, there, where you going
with that little boy?"
62
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,469
Go pick your heinie.
63
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,319
Women are talking.
64
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,478
Anyhow, I refuse to spend
another minute alone with Jefferson.
65
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,875
I don't even wanna be
in the same house with him.
66
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,957
Then I think I have
the perfect solution.
67
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,117
Peg, if this is what I'm thinking...
68
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,117
...I shall have to unleash
my veto power.
69
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,117
You see, Al and I
are going on vacation...
70
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,915
Veto, I say. Veto. Veto. Veto.
71
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,271
Oh, stop pouting, Al.
72
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,916
If I don't see a smile,
I will forbid you to come with us.
73
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,557
- That's better. Now, come on.
- You didn't forget anything, did you?
74
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,113
Nothing that matters.
75
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,476
What's going on?
76
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,274
Cheese it, the kids.
77
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,156
- Vacation.
- Vacation.
78
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,319
Curse you!
79
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,397
I curse you to your worst nightmare:
80
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,160
An eternity of being together.
81
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,190
And you can't leave the bedroom.
82
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,470
And Grandma's there.
83
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,513
- And she's out of Depends!
- Bud.
84
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,628
What?
85
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,671
Mom and Dad just left us alone.
86
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,189
Alone, with no parental supervision.
87
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,749
And stay out.
88
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,150
Yes. Finally alone.
89
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,635
Free. Free to run amuck.
90
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,912
Oh, the hooters I'll be a-juggling.
91
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,478
Yeah, well, just don't hurt your hand
on the staples.
92
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,072
But don't worry, end-of-the-rainbow,
you can do anything you want.
93
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:02,114
I mean, we haven't been left entirely
alone since we were in diapers.
94
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,311
Bud, we're free, with no responsibility
to anyone but ourselves.
95
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,430
Hey, guys, what's for breakfast?
96
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,239
Curse you! Curse your mangy hides
and the horses you rode in on!
97
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,788
Look what they did to us.
98
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,912
They left us
with this little walking booger.
99
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:27,994
I'm hungry.
100
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,393
Well, Kelly's stupid.
Nobody's helping her.
101
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,039
Yeah.
102
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,471
And believe me, my mind
was a terrible thing to taste.
103
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,195
What if they didn't
leave us any food or anything?
104
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,868
Come on, Kel. I know Mom and Dad
aren't way up there...
105
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,514
...on the evolutionary scale,
but even dung beetles...
106
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,951
...wouldn't go on vacation
without providing for their young.
107
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,353
See?
108
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,639
Who wants some baking soda
on a cracker?
109
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,991
That's not a cracker.
110
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,311
It's a cockroach.
111
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,272
It's coming right at me!
112
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,072
To tell you the truth,
I'm not sure which was moving which.
113
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:16,038
Feed me,
or I'm gonna be really annoying.
114
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,435
What are we gonna do, Kel?
115
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,596
The parakeet trick.
116
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,991
It's what Mom used to use on you
when you got hungry during her soaps.
117
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,589
- What is it?
- Well, when a parakeet makes noise...
118
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,429
...you throw a blanket over its cage so
they think it's night. They go to sleep.
119
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,549
Come on, Kel.
Now, that can't possibly work.
120
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,115
Food. Food. Food.
121
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,319
Well, it's gonna be a week.
122
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,114
Maybe we should get him
a little mirror and a perch.
123
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,153
Well, it's fine for him.
What about us?
124
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,476
I mean, Mom and Dad
didn't leave us any money.
125
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:58,989
What are we gonna do for food?
126
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,516
Boy, this ought to teach Jefferson
a lesson.
127
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,234
He didn't even know
I slipped out of bed this morning.
128
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,671
Maybe he's still out cold,
having seen you slip into it.
129
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,638
Okay, Brunhildas.
130
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,633
Family meeting.
131
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,592
Let's go. Let's go.
132
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,552
Gather around.
133
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,113
All right, just stay there.
I'll come to you.
134
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,068
That's better.
135
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,670
Now, it's time to lay down
the ground rules of the house.
136
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,438
Rule number one:
137
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,039
There are two bedrooms.
138
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,231
I get one alone.
139
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,998
You two can share. Keep the
door closed while you're changing.
140
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,872
You don't wanna kill my bait.
141
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,636
Rule two:
142
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,319
Speaking to me.
143
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,997
Al, nobody is gonna speak to you.
144
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,590
Nobody wants to speak to you.
Nobody will speak to you.
145
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,990
That's why it's so great
that Marcie came along.
146
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,589
Women are much better
company for each other than men.
147
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,597
Men do just get in the way,
don't they?
148
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,197
Just think if they were all dead.
149
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,837
There'd be no more sports,
no burping, no Howie Mandel...
150
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,508
What a wonderful world it would be.
151
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,990
Yeah, but maybe we could keep
the gay guys.
152
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,909
They're so much fun at lunch
and really good with colour.
153
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,835
Well, without straight guys
to wrong you women...
154
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,315
...where would they get
those delightful stories...
155
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,556
...for those wonderful
made-for-TV movies?
156
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,910
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought him along.
157
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,236
- Thank God we have each other.
- I know.
158
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,715
- We're best friends and sisters.
- Goodbye.
159
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,957
And we will be forever. Women's
relationships throughout history...
160
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,355
...have been much more supportive
than those of...
161
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,032
My own room.
162
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,156
Look, Dad.
163
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,516
It's all mine.
164
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,430
Got my own bed.
165
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,353
Always wanted
to have a bed of my own.
166
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,790
How come I never had one?
167
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,028
Ozzie had his own bed.
168
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,676
Father from Father Knows Best
had his own bed.
169
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,713
Mr. Donna Reed had his own bed.
170
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,917
Well, Mr. Peggy Bundy
is gonna have his own bed.
171
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,712
I'm gonna go out there
and ask Peg...
172
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,990
...if I never
have to sleep with her again.
173
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,559
- How dare you call me irresponsible.
- The day I take orders from you is the...
174
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,917
- How dare you call me a freeloader.
- Nobody talks to me that way.
175
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:44,280
- I should have paid for my vacation.
- If I want advice from you, I'll ask for it.
176
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:49,158
- Oh, Al, do something.
- Oh, Al, do something.
177
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,119
- You evil snippet.
- Eat yellow snow.
178
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,676
Girls. Girls. Girls.
179
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,277
Girls? Who am I kidding?
Sea hags...
180
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,473
Now, what are you fighting about?
And it better not be stupid.
181
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,511
- It's not.
- Well, then go on.
182
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,075
Okay.
Without looking in the cupboard...
183
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,670
...tell me which way
should the coffee cups be facing.
184
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,228
And I thought it was just stupid.
185
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,597
What's stupid is a woman
who stacks them right-side up...
186
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,552
...so they collect dust.
187
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,998
Well, at home, in her defence,
we recycle dust to make hot cocoa.
188
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,272
And then in a few weeks,
it becomes porridge.
189
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,919
It's not about the cups at all, is it?
190
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,509
What's really bothering you
is the way my clothes...
191
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,756
...mould themselves to my body.
192
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:52,593
Spare me the voluptuous rap,
you sasquatchian nightmare.
193
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,074
Chill out, Chiclet chest.
194
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,750
- Turn your chair upside down...
- How dare you...
195
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,155
...so it doesn't collect dust.
- Visitors come...
196
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,511
- God intended them to be right-side up.
...for miles to see my cups.
197
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,392
Upside down.
198
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,875
- Let's ask Al.
- Let's ask Al.
199
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,471
Anybody home?
200
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,472
Hello?
201
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,315
- Feed me.
- Feed me.
202
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:44,748
- Feed me.
- Feed me.
203
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,871
Feed me. Feed me.
204
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,953
Yeah, I guess this would be unusual
in any other home.
205
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,391
But I think, all things considered...
206
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,273
...l'll just let this pass.
207
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,356
Hey, Bud, you seen Marcie lately?
208
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,989
I spent all day and night
in bed yesterday...
209
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,111
...cuddling with her pyjamas...
210
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,993
...till I realized she wasn't in them.
211
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,990
I was wondering why
she was so docile. I mean...
212
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,715
...she let me do anything I wanted.
213
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,111
You know, like have candy and stuff.
214
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:23,588
You know where she might be?
215
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,637
She went on vacation
with Mom and Dad.
216
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,308
Left us here to starve
with this miserable little grub.
217
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,956
Hey, who are you calling miserable,
you little...?
218
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,030
lmagine the nerve of that woman,
leaving me...
219
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,834
...just because she's mad at me
for using her credit card.
220
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,230
So what if I leave big tips
with her money?
221
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,112
What's the difference
what I do wrong?
222
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,311
I'm good-looking.
223
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,118
You know, the attractive
should have special rights.
224
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,834
I think we should have
our own parking spaces.
225
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,508
They could have a little circle
with a sparkly smile...
226
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,518
...because looking at us
makes people happy.
227
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,916
Ain't it the truth.
228
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:05,988
What?
229
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,430
What...? What are we attractive people
laughing at?
230
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,108
Oh, not you, good-looking.
231
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,636
- You ain't bad yourself.
- Yeah, no kidding.
232
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,478
How dare Marcie deny me anything.
233
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,717
Besides, I have every right
to use this credit card. Look at it.
234
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,798
It says right here, "Marcie D'Arcy."
235
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,468
D'Arcy, that's me.
236
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,635
You know, I have a thought.
237
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,237
It's almost as funny
as you being attractive.
238
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,238
Hey.
239
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,593
Oh, God, I needed that.
240
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,234
Anyhow, here's my idea...
241
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,552
I forgot it.
242
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,837
Oh, wait, but here's another one.
243
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,156
You should spend an enormous
amount of money.
244
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:56,759
So when your wife comes back...
245
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,155
...she'll appreciate how little
you spent before.
246
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,028
Yeah.
247
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,559
How mad can she get?
248
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,512
We're good-looking.
249
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,517
- What? What?
- Somebody stop him.
250
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,398
- Don't criticize my hair.
- When is the last time you got it cut?
251
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,319
You need a new hairdresser.
You're locked in the '70s.
252
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,990
It's disgusting.
I can't stand the sight of your hair.
253
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,557
For heaven's sake.
No, yours is horrible.
254
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,189
- Yours is. Yours is.
- Yours is. Yours.
255
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,709
- Yours. Al...?
- Yours.
256
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,434
- Would you settle an argument for us?
- No!
257
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,392
Thanks, honey.
258
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,989
Al, sweetie...
259
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,998
...which one of us has a loud,
obnoxious voice?
260
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,519
Me or Marcie?
261
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,915
Wait a second, "Al, sweetie"?
262
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,236
He's my husband.
I'll call him what I want.
263
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,989
Why not call him some of the things
you call him when he's not around.
264
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,437
Al, you know I'm not proud of you.
Why would I talk about you?
265
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,428
Oh, yeah? Who says, "What's
the difference between Al and an egg?
266
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,791
An egg takes three minutes
to be done"?
267
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,273
I said two minutes.
268
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,515
And I didn't say that.
269
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,711
- Believe me, she hates you.
- Al, she's lying.
270
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,070
- She hates you.
- She's not even your wife...
271
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,551
...but she is lying.
- Silence! Silence, feline beasts.
272
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,794
Now, we have been here for 10 hours,
and in that 10 hours...
273
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,036
...the two of you
have only been quiet twice.
274
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,670
Once, when I asked how come my
luggage forgot to be put in the car.
275
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,031
The other time, for the hour that
Oprah was on, which is remarkable...
276
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,276
...since we don't have a TV.
277
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,354
All right, Al.
But I just have one more question.
278
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,391
Which one of us
has the firmest heinie?
279
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,108
I'm blind!
280
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,276
I'm blind now!
281
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,798
Are you happy now, Seven?
282
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,198
Are you happy, Kelly?
283
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,918
How about you, Bud? You happy?
284
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,630
I will be soon.
285
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,113
May I see the back, please?
286
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,637
This is very unusual, sir.
287
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,035
Department stores
normally have lingerie shows...
288
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,435
...not guys in their living room.
289
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,950
But then you Kennedys
go your own way.
290
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,675
Please. Kennedy is so formal.
291
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,678
Just call me Bud-Bud.
292
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,349
That's right, six dozen roses.
293
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,913
That's right, from me.
294
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,236
That's right, to me.
295
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,559
Hey, what the hell.
296
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,637
Send another dozen
to a pair of pyjamas.
297
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,558
Same address.
298
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,596
Oh, Marcie, that was the most
relaxing vacation I've ever had.
299
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,518
You know, that's the thing
about women.
300
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,678
We can get in an argument,
then talk it through rationally...
301
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,872
...then work it out in a civilized manner
like the sisters we are.
302
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,036
- Oh, God bless us.
- He did.
303
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,356
He made us women.
304
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,878
But to tell you the truth,
I was just lost without my Jefferson.
305
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,911
I mean, so what if he tips big.
306
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,556
He's good-looking.
I can forgive him anything.
307
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:30,149
Jefferson D'Arcy,
I better not be paying for this.
308
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,437
Do you have anything to say
before I kill you?
309
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,351
Good night.
310
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,475
Jefferson!
311
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,557
Are...? Are you still mad, honey?
312
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,478
- Sweetie?
- Yeah.
313
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,272
Do you know what a melvin is?
314
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,959
No.
315
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,231
Then let me show you.
316
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,838
Oh, yeah,
we used to call them wedgies.
317
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,678
Kelly, I wanna talk to you
this minute.
318
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,316
- Yes, Mom.
- Sucker!
319
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,789
Rub, dear.
320
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,268
Hey, Mom.
321
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,311
Where's...?
322
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,797
What do we call him?
Starts with an L.
323
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,831
- Dad?
- Yeah.
324
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,719
- Where is he?
- Well, he kept complaining...
325
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,353
...how we ruined his vacation...
326
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,791
...so I decided to let him stay up there
by himself for two whole days.
327
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,356
I just left the key on the table
while he was out chopping wood.
328
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:51,074
I hope he's finally happy.
329
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:57,353
Well, folks, get ready
for another 8 feet of snow.
330
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,189
But we'll let the poor saps
who are outside worry about that.
331
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,152
Eh, folks?1
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,831
It's Friday, Friday, Friday, on NBC.
2
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,917
By the way, we're for sale.
3
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,594
So come on, folks,
dial the number on your screen.
4
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,155
Then press "one"
to buy the evening news.
5
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,351
Press "two"
for the entertainment division.
6
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,438
Press "three" for actual,
live TV executives...
7
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,710
...who will talk to you
about your fantasies.
8
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,590
Hello. I was wondering...
9
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,313
...if I buy the news division...
10
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,195
...do I get to use Tom Brokaw
any way I want to?
11
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,630
Bryant Gumbel?
12
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,151
You can keep him.
13
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,510
God, for once
I'm actually glad to be home.
14
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,393
A customer
comes in the store today...
15
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,636
Tall, willowy brunette.
16
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,709
Sits down, says she'd like
to try on a pair of size-12 pumps.
17
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,635
So I'm down there, you know,
just doing my job...
18
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,157
...and notice she's wearing
a garter belt, like I like.
19
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,118
And a nice pair of silk stockings.
20
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,193
All the time, she's smiling at me.
21
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,628
All of a sudden...
22
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,469
...she uncrosses her legs,
like in Basic Instinct.
23
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:58,959
You saw it all?
24
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,792
Yes.
25
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,510
It was a guy!
26
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,591
Oh, Peg. I tell you...
27
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,314
Does this mean
that I'm...? That I'm...?
28
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,471
Gay, Al?
29
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,470
No, Peg. Just because
I was vaguely excited...
30
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:22,753
...touching a man's calf
and I don't want to sleep with you, no.
31
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,758
I have no doubts about my sexuality.
32
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,871
No, what I was wondering was...
33
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,197
...am I too sexy
for my own good, Peg?
34
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,749
Now, I mean, I don't wanna
turn on men...
35
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,235
...so I come to the expert.
36
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,278
Peg, how do you
make them not want you?
37
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,433
Well, apparently you marry them.
38
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:51,357
Oh, come on, honey,
it's Friday night. Let's go out.
39
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,788
I hear there's a revival...
40
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,992
...of The Sound of Music
playing downtown.
41
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,671
I'm not gay.
42
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,270
Come on, honey.
Get that toe a-tapping.
43
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,311
I'm not gay!
44
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,356
God, what a day at the diner.
45
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,869
Damn vegetarians.
46
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,628
They're so damn picky.
47
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,877
I mean, they find
one cat's claw in the chopped salad...
48
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,038
And the way they scream you'd think
it was his head or something.
49
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:43,199
What are they complaining about?
A cat's practically a vegetable anyway.
50
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,509
And if that wasn't enough,
this transvestite comes in.
51
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,188
A really obvious one.
52
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,677
I mean, you could spot him
from a mile off. Those huge calves.
53
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:57,874
Like anyone wouldn't notice.
54
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,357
He wanted some shoes,
so I sent him over to your store.
55
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,638
I thought you could
use a good laugh, you know.
56
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,471
Honey, you're hurting
Daddy's feelings.
57
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,274
He was attracted to that man.
58
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,874
That wasn't my transvestite.
59
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,469
Mine was a good-looking man...
60
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,000
...and smelled vaguely of hyacinth.
61
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,358
You two can be so cruel sometimes.
62
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,956
I'm not gay!
63
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,837
Daddy's gay?
64
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,518
Yes, honey.
65
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,870
I'm bored. What say the three of us
go down to the male strip club...
66
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,958
...and we can watch Daddy
fight for the guys.
67
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,277
Oh, not tonight, Mom.
I'm too tired to go out.
68
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,913
Well, how could you be tired?
69
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,554
I've been sleeping all day.
70
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,957
How could she
understand what it's like...
71
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,152
...to live off the sweat of our bras?
- Yeah.
72
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,554
Yeah, or bending down all day long,
looking up men's dresses.
73
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,199
I want somebody to go out with me.
74
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,628
Well, why don't you ask Bud?
75
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,230
Something's gotta prepare him for
a lifetime of going out with his mother.
76
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,833
I mean, who taught Liberace?
77
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,075
Ask your father,
I'm sure he knows all about it.
78
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,394
I am not gay.
Would a gay man dress like this?
79
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,717
Or endure one moment
in a house this colour?
80
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,157
Excuse me, family,
while I say good night to my date.
81
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,715
Lulu, one for the road.
82
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,916
Good things do come
in small packages.
83
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,876
Well, then you should
have him turn around.
84
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,790
I almost forgot.
85
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,677
Yup.
86
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,913
Did you hear the news?
87
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,078
They discovered a bright, new,
shiny star in the heavens...
88
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,475
...and I do believe it's me.
89
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,312
I hit upon a grand scheme:
90
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,398
I volunteered as a nude model
for an all-girls art class.
91
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,758
Did you have to move around so that
they could do all seven dwarfs naked?
92
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,795
I'll talk to you when I need
a Coke and fries.
93
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,195
But when a girl wants
to draw a nude in positions...
94
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,278
...far too embarrassing for a guy
who cares what people think...
95
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,870
...well, that's when they
come to "Buff" Bundy:
96
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,914
Buttocks for Hire.
97
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,551
- Anything you wanna say to me, Dad?
- Actually, son, I wanna know...
98
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,354
...are you sure that was a girl?
Because...
99
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,555
...just because it looks like a girl
doesn't necessarily mean that it is one.
100
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,396
Dad, did you get lost
and go to the wrong nudie bar again?
101
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,716
How was I supposed to know what
that song "Macho Man" really meant?
102
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,911
Had a good beat,
everybody was dancing.
103
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,475
I thought all the girls
were in the restroom.
104
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,433
You know how girls
go together and everything.
105
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:00,993
Yeah. Sure, Dad.
106
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,236
You see, what matters here is...
107
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,149
...l'm finally peaking
while you're creaking.
108
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,797
Two old people on the couch.
109
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,877
Oh, sorry, Kel.
Make that three old people.
110
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,153
Come on, everyone, say, "Clapper."
111
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:30,839
That is just ridiculous.
112
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,076
I am not getting old.
113
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,312
There's something
terribly wrong here.
114
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,556
My brother's cooler than me.
115
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,115
My aged mother's cooler than me.
116
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,198
Even my new, gay daddy
is cooler than me.
117
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,235
It was just a harmless
calf caress, that's all it was.
118
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,796
Mom, give Dad a wine spritzer.
119
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,228
I'm in a crisis.
120
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,238
I've gotta do something wild.
Something out of control.
121
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,317
Something that reaffirms my youth.
122
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,069
I am gonna fight this
with every breast in my body.
123
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,557
Here we go, son.
124
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,119
Saturday afternoon,
working on the car.
125
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,794
Just like when you
were a kid, eh, son?
126
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,354
Sure is, Dad.
127
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,028
In fact, it's the same exact car.
128
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,197
You know, Bud, someday
this car is gonna be yours.
129
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,678
Thanks, Dad.
130
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,991
Please, please don't paint it, okay?
131
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,475
Yeah. It is cool.
132
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,996
These here are the sleekest,
sexiest lines...
133
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,555
...American engineers
could come up with.
134
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,752
Why just the name itself
bespeaks power and wealth:
135
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,832
"Dodge."
136
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,716
That about says it all. Check the oil.
137
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,234
Down a quart. Give me an O XY pad.
138
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,753
Yeah.
139
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,717
Gay, huh?
140
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,835
Let's see a gay guy do this.
141
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,197
Al, Kelly didn't go to work today.
142
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,470
Where could she be?
143
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,028
Look what I bought.
144
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,797
Kelly, you can't possibly
keep this motorcycle.
145
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,191
It is far too dangerous,
especially for you.
146
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:53,714
On a motorcycle, concepts like left,
right, and stop are more critical.
147
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,553
Well, I'm keeping my bike.
148
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,318
It's gonna keep me young.
149
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,516
Kel, it's not a time machine.
150
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,196
And it's not your body,
so keep your hands off it.
151
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,558
Honey, you have to get rid of it.
152
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,230
No one who loves you would want you
to endanger your life like this.
153
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,669
We saw the motorcycle.
154
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,269
We saw the motorcycle
and we rushed over.
155
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,708
Oh, Al.
156
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,832
We couldn't be happier
that you got one.
157
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,634
You know, there are a lot of myths
about motorcycles.
158
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,832
Like that "always wear
a helmet" thing.
159
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,077
But that's not for men like you.
160
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:40,319
Popping wheelies, going 90
the wrong way on the interstate...
161
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,677
...that's for cool
outlaw guys like you.
162
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,632
Ride like the wind, wild one.
163
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,630
Drive fast, drive often and drive
when you're really, really tired.
164
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,478
Marcie, it's not Al 's.
165
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,671
It's Kelly's.
166
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,032
Oh, God, get rid of it.
They're killers.
167
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,310
Give it to your father.
168
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,234
Ride like the wind, wild one.
169
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,950
I'm sorry, but I'm keeping my bike.
170
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,952
How could I take advice
from you people?
171
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,833
I mean, two of you are geeks
and two of you are my parents.
172
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,429
I'll let you decide who's who.
173
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,958
Well, maybe I can be of some help.
174
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,479
After all, Kelly...
175
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:23,151
...we both live under the rule
of older, dull, parental figures.
176
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,918
But sometimes
the fogies can be right.
177
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,317
Oh, I'm a living witness
to the real horror of the motorcycle.
178
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,397
Yeah. I had a bike once.
179
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,750
Oh, it seemed like fun.
180
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,033
But then, one day I was driving along
when suddenly it happened:
181
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:45,273
The wind whipped through my hair,
knotting it, splitting my ends.
182
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,748
It was chaos. I had to be airlifted
to a special hair clinic in Switzerland.
183
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,437
My head soaked in conditioner
for three solid weeks.
184
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,868
But on the good side...
185
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,833
...I did get to share a room
with Don King.
186
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,912
Kelly, you are just doing this
as an act of rebellion.
187
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,111
You're feeling old, aren't you?
188
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,709
Well, what you need to find
are some grown-up ways...
189
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,070
...to have fun
and make life interesting.
190
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,874
For instance,
when I'm feeling a little down...
191
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,595
...to brighten my day,
I cut all my hair off.
192
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,549
Then I wait for it to grow back
so I can cut it all off again.
193
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,637
Cut, cut. Snip, snip.
194
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,879
Then I take all the hairs up off the floor
and make little animals.
195
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,508
Okay. As you can see,
we've got quite a life going.
196
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,156
Okay, Marcie, let's go renew
your prescription at the drugstore.
197
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,398
You think this will
make a nice reindeer?
198
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,676
Well, it's been more fun than I can
describe with my limited vocabulary...
199
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,472
...but I'm gonna ride my bike now.
200
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,713
Kelly, honey, you know...
201
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,469
...I rode a few motorcycles
when I was young.
202
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,717
I remember the wind, the speed...
203
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,990
...the vibration...
204
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,071
...the whirring.
205
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:29,676
Oh, God, if only they made
stationary motorcycles.
206
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,031
How can I make
you people understand?
207
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,596
I mean, having a motorcycle's
gonna open up new vistas for me.
208
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,313
Things you can't do in a car.
209
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,873
You can ride alone.
210
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,196
You can ride in a group
of other motorcycles.
211
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,359
You can ride alone, but go to the place
where the group rode their cycles.
212
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,949
You can go to this place
and talk about motorcycles...
213
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,515
...and then you can get back on
and go home.
214
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,595
Plus, I can't return it, because
I can't remember where I bought it.
215
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,358
You're the king, baby.
216
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,677
Dad, will you help me
crowbar Mommy off my bike?
217
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,070
I must heed the call
of the open road.
218
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,999
I must fly like the beagle.
219
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,748
I'm gonna eat my Trix on Route 66.
220
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,669
Oh, the freedom.
I can ride my bike anywhere, anytime.
221
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,552
Nothing is gonna keep me off of it.
222
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,795
Rain. Daddy, can I borrow the car?
223
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,953
Thank you.
224
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,118
Mom...
225
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,075
Hi, honey. I was just looking at it.
226
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,510
Upstairs, Al. Now.
227
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,196
How could I talk Kelly out of this?
228
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,396
She doesn't listen to me.
229
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,160
I don't blame her.
Nobody does. I'm an idiot.
230
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,471
But I'm not gay.
231
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,318
I'm sensitive.
232
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,955
Yeah, I should've bought a motorcycle.
233
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,788
And I never would have
worn a helmet.
234
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,393
I have a lot to fear
from cracking my skull.
235
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,633
It takes a lot of brain-tongue
coordination to babble, "Size 9."
236
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,236
But it would've been great.
237
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,910
Yeah, but I have all this.
238
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,514
So long, everybody!
239
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,274
Oh, my God! What have I done?
240
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,510
Oh, Daddy, you were right.
241
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,392
The bike is dangerous.
242
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,956
What if it was me?
I could've been hurt.
243
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,591
What, Daddy?
244
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,954
"I won one"?
245
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,510
Nine-one-one.
246
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,755
Here's your gruel, Daddy.
247
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,153
You know, I learned
a valuable lesson:
248
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,828
Motorcycles are far too dangerous.
249
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,473
You're much safer in a car.
250
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,070
I mean, I didn't even feel
any impact when I hit you.
251
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,517
Get this out of the way.
252
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,512
What, Daddy?
253
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,599
Oh, goody, now we're playing pirate.
254
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,551
Where be the gold?
255
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,873
Oh, you're the coolest, Daddy.
And you're so smart.
256
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,469
I mean, you knew that
the only way to convince...
257
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,875
...an impetuous youth like myself
was to show me.
258
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,308
And you did that.
259
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,988
I guess you do love me.
Oh, don't you, you big lug?
260
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,151
Dirty scum.
261
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,073
Mommy? She's out taking care
of what's left of my bike.
262
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,670
Come with Mommy.
263
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,595
The cold garage is no place for you.
264
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:01,070
When you're done with Daddy,
just put him in the garage.
265
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,831
Well, for once, everybody's happy.
266
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,235
I love you, Daddy.1
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,678
So this is where they work the magic
that makes you look 55.
2
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,355
- Just stand still, Al.
- What? What?
3
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,836
I'm trimming your nose hairs.
4
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:46,113
You know, you have to keep them nice
and even or you'll get split ends.
5
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,068
All right, honey, give me money
and get out of here.
6
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,589
I can't possibly relax
with you around.
7
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,270
Besides, I don't bother you at work.
Don't bother me here.
8
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,239
Oh, that's what you call it now, Peg,
"work"?
9
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,513
Al, my job is to look good
and feel good.
10
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,393
You know how soft I am.
11
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,353
Well, actually, you don't.
12
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:12,269
But I know how soft I am,
and believe me, I'm a delight.
13
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,309
Oh, excuse me here.
I want to prepay.
14
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,832
How much for
the 100,000-mile overhaul?
15
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,992
While you're working on her,
can I get a loaner?
16
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,071
You got anything in the back
that has that new-hooter smell?
17
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,720
Just pay the man
and baboon away to work.
18
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:34,230
- That'll be $300, sir.
- Three hundred dollars!
19
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,830
She didn't cost that much
when she was new.
20
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,389
I'm gonna see
what people pay $300 for.
21
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,073
Great Caesar's ghost!
22
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,510
And I mean that, literally.
23
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:54,033
Well, now, this one's a little more
reasonable. A dollar a chin.
24
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,030
You people ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
25
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,750
Who but a woman would spend time
in a place like this?
26
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,238
Hi, Al.
27
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,549
- Hey, how about those Bulls.
- They'll be all right. They got Jordan.
28
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,236
No, no, not them. I'm talking about
those two under the dryers.
29
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,358
- What are you doing here?
- I'm getting the macho package.
30
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:23,792
You know, the hair, nails and facial.
We call it the Bogie.
31
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,989
I mean, I'm a topless dancer and the
smoke in the bar can wreak havoc...
32
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,112
...with the pH balance of my hair
and my skin.
33
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:38,077
Oh, once the hair and the skin goes...
Well, I don't have to tell you.
34
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,238
I've seen about enough.
35
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,032
Peg.
36
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,800
I'm going where a man belongs.
37
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:50,471
Crouched on his knees in front
of a fat woman, selling her shoes.
38
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:55,117
Rolling back the flesh of the ankle,
trying to find the foot.
39
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,869
Who cries for my pH balance,
Argentina?
40
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,509
All right. There you go.
Do what you can with her...
41
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,872
...and what you can't fix
just slap a coat of paint on.
42
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:16,517
Oh, God, I hope he never finds out
that half this money is legally his.
43
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,951
Of course I should get more.
I mean, I gave everything to him...
44
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,594
...including my virginity.
45
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,671
Hello, girls.
46
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,750
There we go.
47
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,115
When did you start drawing?
48
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,472
Oh, about an hour after
my pulsating showerhead broke.
49
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,477
A woman's gotta have something.
50
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,114
Of course, Al has given me
no encouragement.
51
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,073
Not even when I drew him
a picture of his favourite dinner...
52
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,111
...and left it on the table.
53
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,548
He ate it and said,
"Next time, draw it hot."
54
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,878
I swear, these men just think
that our lives are one big ball.
55
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,911
You know, we are so unappreciated.
56
00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,997
Now, take Marcie.
She's always complaining:
57
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,191
"Why isn't my dinner ready
when I come home?"
58
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,914
Hey, because I'm busy, bitch!
59
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,714
Mr. Jeffy. Mr. Jeffy.
60
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,318
Antoine.
61
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,875
Can you fit me in
for a 3:00 massage today?
62
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:22,119
Well, I do have a 3:00 appointment,
but let her stew.
63
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:26,677
Yeah, besides,
most women come after me anyway.
64
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,917
I'm really gonna miss Antoine.
65
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,759
I heard he joined the Marines.
66
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,676
Hi, everyone.
67
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,838
I'm Antoine's 3:00.
Is he ready for me?
68
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,554
I'm sorry, but Antoine
is backed up right now.
69
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:51,957
So I'm shunted aside for some
damn blond hussy, no doubt.
70
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,630
That damn Antoine.
I have had it with his mood swings.
71
00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:00,038
- I'll tell Antoine you're displeased.
- Oh, no, no, no. Please.
72
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:05,231
I've already had two warnings.
One more complaint and I'm out.
73
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,351
I'll wait like a good girl.
74
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,070
Hi, Peggy.
75
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,432
God, what's that horrible smell?
76
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,154
I have Al's wallet.
77
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:23,275
Great. Now I can find out whose face
is on the $100,000 bill.
78
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,114
- So, what's new?
- Well, Bertha just lost 35 pounds...
79
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,471
...on that
eat-nothing-bigger-than-your-head diet.
80
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,350
Peggy, that drawing is great.
81
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,278
It's Al.
82
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,358
Look how she's got
the hunch just right.
83
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,791
And those taters growing out
of his ears.
84
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,312
They go so well with the gravy
under his arms.
85
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,791
It is perfect, Peggy.
86
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,390
Look how you made his socks
kill all the flowers.
87
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,194
You know, I just can't get over this.
88
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:06,439
It's so real, the drawing needs
a shower.
89
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,511
It should be in a magazine.
You know...
90
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,950
...there's a new woman's magazine
just starting...
91
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:15,119
...that came into my bank for a loan.
I bet I can get them to use this.
92
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,595
What are you gonna call
your new cartoon?
93
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,679
Well, how about
Mr. Can't-Hit-the-Toilet?
94
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,272
That could be any man.
Be more specific.
95
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,875
How about:
Mr. Al-Can't-Hit-the-Toilet?
96
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,989
Eat your cone, Bertha.
97
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,716
Does it need a title?
98
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,629
I mean, just looking at him is enough
to make you laugh.
99
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:50,438
You know, Peg, you have the look of a
woman who just swallowed a canary.
100
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,313
Bertha, you have the look of a woman
who swallowed a cow...
101
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,351
...who swallowed a canary.
102
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,030
And, Marcie...
103
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,791
...you look like a chicken.
104
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,997
Enough charm.
What happened to my wallet?
105
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,270
- You took it, didn't you?
- Of course I did.
106
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,439
Who else but your wife would go
near the back of your pants?
107
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,352
I thought we had an agreement.
108
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,596
Every since I got deported
to Mexico...
109
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,917
...you promised to at least leave me
with a picture ID.
110
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,391
- Did something happen, Al?
- Well, l...
111
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,797
I don't wanna ruin it for you.
It'll be on TV tonight.
112
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,959
It seems that the TV show Cops
was filming in Chicago.
113
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,720
They have that new
oversized graphite nightstick...
114
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,309
...you know, with the bigger
sweet spot?
115
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,034
They've been waiting
to try it on anybody bold enough...
116
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,516
...to stop in the middle of the street
and cry, "My wallet's missing."
117
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,354
I'm on right after Todd Bridges.
Nice kid, by the way.
118
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,358
So, Peg, if it's not
too much trouble...
119
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,869
...don't ever leave me
with empty pants again.
120
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,148
That's it.
121
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,635
Al just named my cartoon.
122
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,957
Mr. Empty-Pants.
123
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,713
Hi, Peggy.
124
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,718
Here's the latest edition of
Modern Gal Weekly.
125
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,876
Mr. Empty-Pants is a smash.
126
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,277
- I hope you don't run out of material.
- Oh, not a chance.
127
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,313
The only thing that separates Al
from an actual cartoon...
128
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:20,999
...is that he has a thumb.
129
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,511
Oh, wonder how he feels
being portrayed as Mr. Empty-Pants.
130
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,279
Gee, you think
I should have told him?
131
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,313
Oh, what for. Al will never find out.
132
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,956
He wouldn't read a magazine
that has "woman" in the title.
133
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,596
Unless, of course, the O had
a little nipple in the centre.
134
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,468
Oh, great. Women are talking.
135
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,240
I guess you folks are wondering
why I don't leave.
136
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,677
Well, my head is stuck
and I can't get out.
137
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,952
Peg, everywhere I go, people
are pointing at me and laughing.
138
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,357
That can't be a recent thing.
139
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,999
Let me finish.
140
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,351
Now they're call me
Mr. Empty-Pants.
141
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:21,076
Is that some kind of new, hip,
rap term, you know, for "full pants"?
142
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,716
You know, sort of like how bad
means good, and this means that.
143
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,355
That's all, folks.
144
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,149
Hey.
145
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,794
Hey. What you doing, Peg?
146
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,913
Look at that guy
standing in dog doody.
147
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:41,712
Bird's doinking doody on his head...
148
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,674
...and then the others birds on them
branches coming out of his nose.
149
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,235
Boy, life really kicked the hell
out of him, huh? What a loser.
150
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,916
Who is he?
151
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,194
Hey, now, wait a minute.
152
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,279
Those sweat stains, that beaten look,
that dumb expression...
153
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,277
...that's Bud.
154
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,117
Peg. That's great.
155
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,073
Does the boy know you're
making fun of him? I won't tell him.
156
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,874
- It's just our little secret.
- It's you, Al.
157
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,232
Me?
158
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,670
That ain't funny.
159
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,955
I don't wanna be Mr. Empty-Pants.
160
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,639
Peg, you've ruined me.
161
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,512
Al, you're a shoe salesman.
162
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,473
How can you ruin a shoe salesman?
163
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,320
It's like dropping dirt on dirt.
164
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,557
Besides, it's just a little local
woman's magazine.
165
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,672
So a few people recognize you
on the street and laugh.
166
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,519
If Martha Raye and Joe Piscopo
can live with it...
167
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,029
...then so can you.
168
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:48,758
Besides, most people don't even know
it's you. Just relax and watch TV.
169
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,155
And on the local scene,
a comic-strip character...
170
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,999
...called Mr. Empty-Pants,
that started out...
171
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,829
...in a small area publication,
is catching on nationwide.
172
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,714
It's about a hapless loser
who just can't get it done.
173
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,433
News Team 56 has found out that
Mr. Empty-Pants is, in fact...
174
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,269
...a local shoe salesman
by the name of Al Bundy.
175
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:18,071
- Are you happy now?
- Not yet.
176
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,034
The cartoon was drawn by
a local woman, Peggy Bundy.
177
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,470
Now I'm happy!
178
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,630
Look, there's Mr. Empty-Pants!
179
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,555
Hey, Empty, my man.
180
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,073
Al, can't you handle the fame?
181
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,431
I mean, they still call
Carroll O'Connor "Archie."
182
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,870
They still call that Winky guy
"the Fonz."
183
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,755
And, you know, they still call
the fat girls on The Facts of Life...
184
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,599
..."the fat girls on The Facts of Life."
185
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,194
Oh, come on, honey.
186
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,154
How could you not get some joy out
of a busload of Japanese tourists...
187
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:12,388
...taking pictures and screaming out,
"Me rike Empty Pants"?
188
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,629
Well, they found out my pants weren't
so empty when I mooned them.
189
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,872
That ought to pay them back
for Pearl Harbor.
190
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,193
Daddy, I'm glad you're home.
191
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,073
You're sad because people
are laughing at you, aren't you?
192
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,396
Yes.
193
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,477
Well, that and...
194
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:49,356
...because I married your mother.
195
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,955
Well, I think that it's the name
that's hurting you.
196
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,756
You're embarrassed because people
are calling you Mr. Dirty-Pants.
197
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,712
No, it's Empty Pants.
198
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:03,110
That would mean a total absence
of genitalia.
199
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,476
Anyway, I just think that you're taking
the totally wrong attitude on this.
200
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,477
I mean, you're like the pessimist...
201
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:13,559
...who looks at his pants
and thinks they're half-empty.
202
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,111
You should be more
like the optometrist...
203
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,359
...who looks at his pants
and thinks they're half-full.
204
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,759
Get her out of here, Peg. Right now.
205
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,476
Honey, why don't you go downtown
to the Hall of Records...
206
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,955
...and find out what our address is.
207
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,197
Okey-dokey.
208
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,595
I'm tired of going down there.
209
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,395
This time, I'm gonna write it next to
the numbers on the front of the house.
210
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,431
Anyway, Daddy, if it helps any,
when I'm feeling down...
211
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,791
...I just think of this little poem,
and it always cheers me up.
212
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,714
Once upon a midnight dreary
As I wandered, weak and weary
213
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,117
Quoth the raven "Demi Moore."
214
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,191
Edgar Bergen Poe.
215
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,398
"Miss Empty-Head" didn't cross
your mind, did it?
216
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:12,874
Can't you be happy?
217
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,071
For years, you've been
absolutely nothing.
218
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,840
And now, you're the man behind
the woman.
219
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,312
I always stand behind you, Peg.
It's cooler in the summer.
220
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,753
Well, Al, I have a bit of news
that just might cheer you up.
221
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,638
What? Spotted owls swooped down...
222
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,195
...and pecked the eyes out
of some environmentalists?
223
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,634
No.
224
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,037
I have decided it is time
for Mr. Empty-Pants...
225
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,912
...to finally break his silence.
226
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,556
Now, it has to be something special.
Short but memorable.
227
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,318
A signature if you will.
228
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,714
So come on, honey...
229
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,196
...be like Homer Simpson and "d'oh."
230
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,994
I'm not a cartoon.
I'm almost a human being, damn it.
231
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,677
I want you to stop writing
Mr. Empty-Pants.
232
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,957
As a matter of fact,
I'm putting my foot down.
233
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,435
From this minute on, I'm no longer
Mr. Empty-Pants.
234
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,195
I am not... Not Mr. Empty-Pants.
235
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,873
Hello?
236
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,274
Yes, I am Mr. Empty-Pants.
237
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,517
I'll see you there.
238
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,239
Well, who was that on the phone?
239
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,233
That's Playgirl magazine, Peg.
240
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,236
They're gonna put Mr. Empty-Pants
in the centrefold. That's me, Peg.
241
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,193
They're saying
I'm the sex symbol of the '90s.
242
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,033
Did I miss the news?
243
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,152
Did every other man on earth die?
244
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,509
Where are you going?
245
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,797
Well, the shoot's next week.
I figured I'd shower now. Why wait?
246
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,632
Ladies...
247
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,991
...allow me to introduce myself.
248
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:21,552
I'm Loren Michaels, producer of
Mr. Empty-Pants, the movie.
249
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,878
Now, we' re casting
a very important part.
250
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,832
Buttocks.
251
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,515
You all qualify.
252
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,349
Now, rehearsals start
in the broom closet in five minutes.
253
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,269
Hey, wait a second. Just a minute ago
you were the body-makeup guy.
254
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:43,668
Hey, babe.
255
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,598
I'm going places.
256
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,952
Hopefully, this place, this place
and that place.
257
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,553
Make way for Mr. Empty-Pants.
258
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,834
He is empty.
259
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,393
Okay. E.P., these are the girls who'll
be doing the centrefold with you.
260
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,429
After the shoot, I'm going to shake
every one of your hooters.
261
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,237
The bigger the star,
the nicer the guy.
262
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:33,237
Well, Empty, look. Before we put you
on the bearskin rug with the ladies...
263
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,877
...we'd like a few shots, you know,
so we can capture the inner emptiness.
264
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,355
Meantime I think we need
some powder on the girls.
265
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,039
Makeup!
266
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,830
Those breasts are shiny.
267
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,678
Take off those tops.
268
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,714
And don't worry about me
getting excited. I'm gay.
269
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,309
All right, all right.
The boy's had enough fun.
270
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:56,794
Now let's go. Let's go.
271
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,036
I gotta get loose. Play my music.
272
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:00,639
Helps me shake my money-maker.
273
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,319
Okay, let's do the shot on the rug.
274
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,475
Okay. Hold it. Hold it.
275
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,836
Wrap the shoot. We...
276
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,632
We have to find another centrefold.
277
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,196
Mr. Empty-Pants has been killed
in the latest strip.
278
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,159
Okay, girls, let's take a break.
279
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,998
No. No, don't take my breasts away.
280
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,395
- Girls, let's go.
- No. No.
281
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,069
Excuse me, ladies.
282
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,710
Bud Bundy here,
Department of Makeup Safety.
283
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,751
If left on, that stuff can kill.
284
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,590
Yes, it must be licked off immediately.
285
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,190
Believe me, I'll receive no pleasure
from this, other than a job well done.
286
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,278
Now, quickly, de-top and meet me
on the mattresses in the alley.
287
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,029
And hurry. Hurry! Your chests are
ticking time bombs.
288
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:38,672
Can't believe it.
289
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,348
Just this close to being happy.
290
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,672
Who could have done this to me?
291
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,194
Hi, honey.
292
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,633
Peg, why did you do it?
293
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,317
I had to. I was jealous.
294
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,397
I wasn't getting
any attention anymore.
295
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,636
Suddenly everybody
was just talking to you...
296
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,558
...and nobody cared about me.
297
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,469
I couldn't handle your happiness.
So I killed you.
298
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,557
You're not mad, are you?
299
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,672
I mean, if it's any consolation
you always have me.
300
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,669
Peg, if it's any consolation to you,
it's no consolation to me.
301
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,074
How'd you kill me, Peg?
302
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:18,389
You were crushed by a meteorite
shaped like a lady's shoe.
303
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,596
- Did I suffer?
- Sure.
304
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,994
What do you say, Al?
305
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,033
How about a portrait of
Mr. and Mrs. Empty-Pants?
306
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,635
Why not? lt'll probably be
the last picture of us...
307
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,353
...with your head still on.
308
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,117
You know, Peg, I'm not surprised.
I knew I was gonna lose.
309
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,311
But I'll tell you
who the big losers are:
310
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,078
The women of America.
311
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,475
Because they could have had me
in the centrefold.
312
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,240
Now they're gonna settle for
some cheap imitation.
313
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,955
I mean, who are they going to get
that's as big a loser as me?1
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,350
Peg, it's getting kind of late.
2
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,949
Shouldn't you be getting to bed?
3
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,671
I'm not going to sleep without you.
4
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,475
We haven't been to bed
at the same time in 10 years.
5
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,589
And you notice we haven't had
any more children in 10 years.
6
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,875
So I must be doing something right.
7
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,039
Honey, just because
we had kids...
8
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,869
...doesn't mean you were doing
anything right back then either.
9
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,357
You're sexy
when you neuter me that way.
10
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,353
Oh, come on, Al.
11
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,516
We could have fun
going to bed together.
12
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,314
You know, doing those things
we used to do.
13
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,115
Like you rubbing my tushy
till I go to sleep.
14
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,637
Oh, that's what we can do, honey.
15
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,068
Oh, come on.
16
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:19,795
My tushy is yearning for you.
17
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:24,670
I wanna be rubbed by you
18
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:30,953
Just you and nobody else but you
19
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:32,679
Peg, I wouldn't rub your tushy...
20
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:36,156
...if Robin Williams popped out of it
and offered me three wishes.
21
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,952
Well, I'm not going to sleep
without you.
22
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,756
You know, Peg, I'm...
23
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,270
I'm a little worried about you.
You look exhausted.
24
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,472
Now, did you have those lines
in your face this morning?
25
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,990
Breaks my heart, Peg.
You look 100.
26
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,917
Why don't you get
a good night's sleep...
27
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,476
...and you'll wake up looking
not a day older than my grandmother.
28
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,510
Oh, my God,
we stayed up till dawn.
29
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,557
Hey, why are you two up
at the same time?
30
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,637
Oh, I know. Don't tell me.
31
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,274
Bud had a nightmare
and he crawled into your bed...
32
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,391
...and he went potty.
33
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,273
Honey, Bud is 20 years old,
and it's Saturday night.
34
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,675
Now, you know very well
that he's fast asleep...
35
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,348
...and has been since 8:00.
36
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,994
Oh, and by the way, Al, did you go in
and turn off his flashlight?
37
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,875
I wouldn't stick my hand
under those covers.
38
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,752
- Oh, my God.
- lf you know what I mean.
39
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,555
Now, now. Let's just keep it down.
We don't wanna wake him up.
40
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,752
He'll come down
and wanna talk about his problems.
41
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:11,357
Hey. Bud was out
on a Saturday night.
42
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:12,834
How did it go, son?
43
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,318
Oh, Bud.
44
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,512
It's 3 a.m.
You must have something to tell us.
45
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,349
Yes, Bud,
tell us of your travels in lonely land.
46
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,238
Well, aging maritime toy...
47
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,272
...I went where all cool guys go.
48
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,436
I headed to the Chippendales
parking lot...
49
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,995
...and waited for the horny old ladies
to come out.
50
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,434
Then I took off my shirt
and start gyrating under a lamppost.
51
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,789
Did you get any, son?
52
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:49,591
Yup. A face full of Mace
and a spinning back-kick to the groin.
53
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,799
But I think on the way down...
54
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,958
...I did manage to get
a fistful of withered heinie.
55
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,917
- AI, give Bud a high-five.
- No, I can't do it, Peg.
56
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,396
If I could fake it that good,
we'd be upstairs right now.
57
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,468
All right. Here's the plan.
58
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,717
Bud will be home soon.
When he comes in...
59
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,036
...we are gonna pretend
that it's Sunday night.
60
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,629
That way when he has no date,
he won't feel bad.
61
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,990
You know, because everyone
stays home on Sunday.
62
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,431
- Even cool people like us.
- Yeah.
63
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,432
Look, why don't we just get him
some starving Third World babe.
64
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,393
You know, like a mail-order bride.
65
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:36,511
If we stuff her with burgers,
she might even stay for a week.
66
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,633
I mean, how long do you
really want one anyway?
67
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,915
Well, why can't we just
let it happen naturally?
68
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,838
Some people are just late bloomers.
69
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,349
I myself was a late bloomer.
70
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,916
Well, whatever bloomed
must have got picked...
71
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:03,035
...because I'm looking at
some mighty arid country.
72
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,516
Al, we are talking about our son.
73
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,190
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I was looking at him.
74
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,632
Al, you've got a dilemma.
We're pretending it's Sunday...
75
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:23,912
...so theoretically you should be
changing your underwear.
76
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,434
Oh, or is this the week
you turn it inside out...
77
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,790
...and wear the clean side?
78
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,753
It's a big decision...
79
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,032
...because it also involves
taking off your shoes.
80
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,391
All right, come on, honey.
Now, look like it's Sunday.
81
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,628
That's right.
82
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:58,150
That says Sunday
better than skipping church.
83
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,592
Where's Bud? I wanted to tell him
that I've got a big date tonight.
84
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,268
I love ruining his Saturday nights.
85
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:12,755
Oh, my God, it 's Sunday?
86
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,398
I've gotta be at work.
87
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,909
How did I lose a day?
88
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,790
I must have magnesia.
89
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,072
What did Gilligan do
when he had magnesia?
90
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,276
Oh, my God, I don't remember.
91
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,189
Gadzooks, I'm losing
my short-term mammaries.
92
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,078
What's going on?
93
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,831
The old " let's convince Bud it's Sunday
to mask his shame" routine?
94
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,236
Well, Dad, before you hurriedly
change your underwear...
95
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,237
...I think you guys
should meet my date.
96
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,475
Why, she's just lovely, isn't she?
97
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,678
She must really like you, Bud...
98
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,235
...going out on a Sunday and all.
99
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:19,989
No need taking chances, eh, Bud?
100
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,836
Look, you morons...
101
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,349
...this is not another imaginary date.
102
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:30,154
I was gonna turn on the TV.
That's where you'll see her.
103
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,759
He had it bad for Ginger,
but now he likes Mary Ann.
104
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,357
Hush, fossils, and watch.
105
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,517
Thank you. Thank you.
Hi, I'm Adam Gold.
106
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,792
I'll bet my natural mother's sorry
she put me up for adoption now...
107
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,274
...aren't you, Mom?
108
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,799
Thank you.
Anyway, welcome to You Can't Miss!
109
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,913
...the show that guarantees that one of
our manly contestants can't miss.
110
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,076
So let's meet the guys.
111
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,558
Remember the rules: Only guys who've
had sex two times or less are eligible.
112
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,312
How can we prove it?
113
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,512
Well, wait till you see them.
114
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:25,633
Let's meet our first hunk.
115
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,910
He's a crossing guard
from Skokie, Illinois...
116
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,792
...Henry Fudderman.
117
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,992
Henry, tell us how many times
you've scored.
118
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,876
- Once.
- Okay, once.
119
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:45,839
Let's meet our next hunk.
120
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,476
He's a movie usher from Baraboo,
Wisconsin. Eugene Smelt.
121
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,192
Eugene, tell us how many times
you've done the deed.
122
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,195
One and a half, Adam.
123
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,518
But I'm not sure about the one.
124
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,111
Okay, Eugene.
125
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,596
And our final he-man
is an A student from Chicago...
126
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:16,270
...and the only one of our hunks
who still lives at home. Bud Bundy.
127
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,830
Okay, Bud, fill us in.
How many times have you had sex?
128
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,358
With actual people?
129
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:30,709
Two, Adam.
130
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,670
On the show
they actually believed that.
131
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,588
Welcome back to the show.
132
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,836
And now it's time
to meet tonight's tramp.
133
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,349
Say hi to Candy Lapinski.
134
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,834
Hi, Candy,
it 's great to have you with us.
135
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,792
Yeah, right.
136
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,718
Now, the rules to our show
are as easy as Candy.
137
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,470
After a brief
question-and-answer period...
138
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,513
...Candy will select a date
from among our three stallions.
139
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,513
For you viewers who may be wondering
why a woman like this...
140
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,792
...would go out with one of these
losers, the answer is very simple:
141
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,673
We give her a $1000.
142
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,272
And next week,
after her dream date...
143
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,029
...she'll have the opportunity to go to
Bermuda with one of our three nerds...
144
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,595
...or our very own Rodrigo.
145
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,795
I love you all.
146
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,231
Okay, Candy, it's question time.
Now, what is your first question?
147
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,473
Number one...
148
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,875
...how would you build
the perfect woman?
149
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,119
Let's see.
She'd have my mother's eyes...
150
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,710
...and my mother's breasts
and my father's...
151
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,155
Yucko.
152
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:14,914
Number two?
153
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,278
I already have built
the perfect woman...
154
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,914
...out of gummy bears.
155
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,348
You wanna see?
156
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,039
- Number three?
- Well, Candy...
157
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,993
...as far as I'm concerned,
you are the perfect woman...
158
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,838
...and I'm the perfect man.
159
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,792
So, what say we cut
the preliminaries...
160
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,390
...and create the perfect
simultaneous big-O.
161
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,152
Well, Candy,
what do you think about that?
162
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,555
Can I see Rodrigo again?
163
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,911
And that means we're out of time.
164
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,669
So it's decision time for you, Candy.
Who's it gonna be?
165
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,115
Hunk-a-rama number one...
166
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,031
...number two...
167
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,870
...or number three?
168
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,552
- Number three.
- Yes!
169
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:16,672
Candy, meet your date, Bud Bundy.
170
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,398
Dad, look where I am.
171
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,234
Like I give a damn what you think.
172
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,155
I've got a date with her
next Saturday night...
173
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,430
...and you'll be with each other.
174
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,153
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
175
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,113
I'm late for work. Oh, God.
176
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,869
Listen, if my boss calls,
for God's sakes...
177
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,470
...don't tell him I forgot what day it was.
I don't wanna get a stupid rep.
178
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,035
It's not good for my image
as a waitress.
179
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,789
You know, I wish somebody would think
to write down all the days in a row...
180
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,719
...on a big piece of paper
so you know what day it is.
181
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,429
You know, maybe even
put the month on it, you know...
182
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,154
...like a calendar or something.
183
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,278
Come to bed, Al.
184
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,994
We haven't slept for days.
185
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,590
I am not going...
186
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,674
...to bed unless you go with me.
187
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,953
And you, my friend,
are getting sleepy.
188
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,958
Look how heavy
those eyelids are getting.
189
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,596
It won't work, Peg.
190
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,791
Because much like
the rest of your body...
191
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,197
...your lids are drooping
more than mine.
192
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,438
You're drifting.
193
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,996
You're getting sleepy.
194
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,149
This has been the worst Sunday
of my life.
195
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,639
And Wednesday,
which I thought was Tuesday...
196
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,035
...was no picnic either.
197
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,277
I'm telling you, something's up.
198
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:43,708
It's Sunday...
199
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,671
...but I saw the mailman.
200
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,950
So I picked up a newspaper.
201
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,230
Said it was Saturday.
202
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,793
I got suspicious, so I went to church.
203
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,391
Nobody was there.
204
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,998
Which makes me think I'm right.
205
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,236
It is Sunday.
206
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:12,550
And yet, Meet The Press,
which I watch religiously, wasn't on.
207
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,832
I'm telling you,
it's a giant conspiracy.
208
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,828
You know, like who killed
that movie president guy, JFK.
209
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,032
The church. The feds. The networks.
210
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,674
They're all in on it.
But I'll get them.
211
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,950
The same way J. Edgar Hoover
got everybody:
212
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,549
By wearing a red dress.
213
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,554
Well, I'm back from
my game-show date.
214
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,276
Did you get any, son?
215
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,753
No.
216
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,518
But I'll be getting plenty soon...
217
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,349
...because it'll be me and Candy
on the dandy, sandy Caribbean.
218
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,915
All that's left is we have to go back
on the show...
219
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,079
...and she chooses between me
and that latent Latin, Rodrigo.
220
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:18,872
Honey, I have been chosen
to sensitively broach the question...
221
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,116
...which is on all our lips:
222
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:24,596
What on God's green earth
would make you think that anyone...
223
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,998
...including your mother,
would choose you over Rodrigo?
224
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,672
I'd choose Rodrigo.
225
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,115
Hell, I'd choose Rodrigo.
226
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,398
Hell, I'd choose Rodrigo
over your mother.
227
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,468
And now,
welcome to You Can't Miss!
228
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,918
Hey, this isn't supposed to be
on tonight.
229
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:04,075
Well, I'll just write them down
in my conspiracy book...
230
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,315
...right after Robin Leach.
231
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:09,913
Hi again, I'm Adam Gold...
232
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,510
...and we're here to see something
we've waited a whole week to find out.
233
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,190
Who will huge-knockered airhead
Candy Lapinski...
234
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,833
...pick for her pleasure cruise?
235
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,794
Bud Bundy
or our own beautiful Rodrigo?
236
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,632
Yeah, there's a tough call,
huh, folks?
237
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,797
Candy, haul it on out here for us.
238
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,392
Candy, you make a lovely couple.
239
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,189
- Candy, you remember Bud.
- No.
240
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,478
Okay, Bud, good luck to you.
And, Candy, your choice please...
241
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,989
...and you and Rodrigo
can be off to the Caribbean.
242
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:06,989
Hold your lousy consolation prize,
you poor man's Chuck Woolery.
243
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,750
Now, before the lovely Candy
makes her decision...
244
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,951
...I have something to say to her.
245
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,755
Well, talk about
the little engine that could.
246
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,068
Well, go for it, big guy.
247
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,795
But remember, no woman
has ever not chosen Rodrigo.
248
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,072
Enough, crones.
249
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,475
You too, Mom.
250
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,716
Candy, this is all I have to say:
251
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,514
Let's talk about women
and the wrong choices they make.
252
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:47,076
This is the wrong choice...
253
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,472
...and I'll tell you why.
254
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,478
He'll treat you like dirt.
He'll disappear for days.
255
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,035
He'll lie to you. He'll cheat on you.
256
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,152
Everything I would do
if I looked like him.
257
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,510
But I'm here for the duration, baby.
258
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,392
And the best thing about me is...
259
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,990
...l've never had anybody
as good as you. He has.
260
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,278
You know I haven't.
261
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,710
You don't have to worry about
where I've been...
262
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,195
...because I'm a two-time-or-less.
263
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,628
It's up to you.
264
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,354
Two minutes with a god
who will dump you...
265
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:23,439
...or a lifetime with a guy
who will worship you as a goddess.
266
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,359
Your choice is clear.
267
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,910
I'll take Rodrigo.
268
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,438
Enjoy your car wax, punk.
269
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,437
Hey. Who wants to see
some of my car wax?
270
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,633
I won it for making an ass out of myself
in front of 20 million people.
271
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,558
Cool, huh?
272
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:03,758
Bud, I can't believe it.
273
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,235
You've got messages. From girls.
274
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:07,668
A whole bunch. Look.
275
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,835
You were so pathetic on TV
that you actually touched people.
276
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,313
Pretty girls all over town
want you bad.
277
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,388
- Bud.
- Choose me.
278
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,957
Hi, Bud. I saw you on TV.
279
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:30,752
- Choose me.
- No.
280
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,839
Choose me and I'll hurt you
more than any of these girls.
281
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:41,158
Wait. It 's not just women
who make the wrong choices.
282
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,396
I think you're gorgeous.
283
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,115
You're my Rodrigo. Choose me.
284
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,756
She'll hurt you.
I'll be good to you.
285
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,838
She'll cheat on you.
I'll be faithful.
286
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,632
She'll spend your money.
287
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,638
You can spend mine.
288
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,751
I'll worship you...
289
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,999
...because I know how great you are
inside and out.
290
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,590
What's your choice?
291
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,158
Let 's go.1
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,952
Oh, baby, that's so good.
2
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,754
I never knew it could be like this.
3
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,030
- AI.
- Peg.
4
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,117
- AI.
- Peg.
5
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,958
Al.
6
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,071
Peg, shut up, will you?
7
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,157
I'm trying to sleep.
8
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:38,231
Oh, Al, I had
the most wonderful dream.
9
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,755
We were having sex.
10
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,439
Actually, I shouldn't say "we."
11
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,437
You weren't there.
12
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,559
Oh, yeah?
Then why were you calling, "Al"?
13
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,394
I wanted you
to see how it was done.
14
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,077
Mommy, I can't sleep.
Read me a story.
15
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,789
Hop on in. Come on, honey.
16
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,434
Good boy. There we go.
17
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,870
Peg, where am I supposed to sleep?
18
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,356
You know, this is why I always said
we should have a stable.
19
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,311
That would be like an invitation
for your mother to come stay with us.
20
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:13,919
You know, a place with straw...
21
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,793
...and a nice gate
she can rest her breasts on.
22
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:22,758
Well, I guess I'll have to go
to the only place I can truly call home.
23
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,835
Honey, you just make yourself
nice and snugly...
24
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,315
...and Mommy's gonna
find you a story.
25
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,270
Oh, well, I can't read you that.
26
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,639
Oh, I've been looking for this.
27
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,991
How did that get in there?
28
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,029
Oh, here's something.
29
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,470
How about a nice pirate story?
30
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,956
It's very exciting.
A Ship Called Passion.
31
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,674
Does it have a lot of
action and stuff?
32
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,792
Oh, yes, it does.
33
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,197
As a matter of fact, I was reading it
before I went to bed...
34
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,597
...and I had a very nice sleep.
35
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,473
Now, let's see here. Okay.
36
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,716
"The beautiful Princess Scarlet...
37
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,672
...looked o'er the bounding main...
38
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,429
...as she sailed from her father's
realm to meet her betrothed...
39
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,790
...Prince Paco the Magnificent...
40
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,797
...for the very first time.
41
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,470
The blue waves
lapped gently against the shore..."
42
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,557
A little problem, Peg.
43
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,555
This is a job for old Betsy.
44
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,189
Why do all plungers
have girls' names, Al?
45
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,113
Because the caveman used to hold
their women by the feet...
46
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,958
...for a job like this.
47
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,750
All right. Now, where were we?
48
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,315
"As day broke over Madagascar...
49
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,795
...so did the heart
of Princess Scarlet...
50
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:12,028
...for her ship was taken
by the vile pirate, Captain Courage."
51
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,029
The v oluptuous vixen
was a prisoner...
52
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,834
...not of love, but of evil.
53
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,838
If only they were better-looking.
54
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,074
Unhand me,
you ruthless rapscallions.
55
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:30,838
You'll pay dearly for this.
56
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,998
My betrothed,
Prince Paco the Magnificent...
57
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,839
...will have your
social-disease-ridden hides.
58
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,508
Now, where is your captain,
that I may spit in his eye?
59
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,393
Where he goes
after every great conquest:
60
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,797
To be alone
to work on the captain's log.
61
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,195
It is I, Captain Courage.
62
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,756
I had to swing in
because it's wet back there.
63
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,355
Where is the cabin boy?
64
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,713
How may I serve you, sir?
65
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,871
You can swab the deck
in my quarters...
66
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,958
...ye of cropped hair
and dubious sexuality.
67
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:26,391
Aye, aye, sir.
But I seem to have lost my mop.
68
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,592
May I use your nose hairs
as bristles?
69
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,192
Mock me if you will,
oh, cabin boy-girl.
70
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,913
Now, go, before I make you
walk the plank.
71
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,192
Or should I say, walk yourself?
72
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,757
I sense you are threatened
by my androgyny.
73
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,475
Perhaps it is that encounter that you
had with your strange uncle pirate...
74
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:50,908
...that haunteth you.
75
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,710
I am not gay.
76
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,631
Any man can
live with his mother till he's 40.
77
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,553
Captain...
78
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,911
...the men would like
a shot at Big Red.
79
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,628
Please, no.
80
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,198
Not now, Wilbur.
81
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,949
Methinks that Scarlet will bring
a bigger ransom as a virgin.
82
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,993
But these wenches are fair game.
83
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,670
And as usual, the first choice
goes to my first mate...
84
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,075
...Floovio the Handsome.
Ho, Floovio.
85
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,676
Hello, me pretties.
86
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:40,274
It's time to partake of a hot flagon
of Floovio. You there.
87
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,392
How would you like to play a game
of Hide the Hooters with Floovio?
88
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,073
Come, wenches.
89
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,669
Kiss me or kiss the sharks.
90
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,509
Floovio, how many times do I have
to tell you? Don't give them a choice.
91
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,473
Let us flee these waters...
92
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,911
...infested by my mortal enemy,
Rubio the Cruel.
93
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,912
We'll sail for our hideaway...
94
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,476
...where girls do our wishes
for bags filled with fishes.
95
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,151
Where is the ship's navigator?
96
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,199
Here, Captain Daddy.
97
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,590
I was playing fetch
with Long John Buck...
98
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,631
...and I forgot we were at sea.
99
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,155
Navigator, we're sailing
to our hideout. Do your job.
100
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,595
Okey-dokey, Captain Daddy.
101
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,597
Now, in case of an emergency,
please use the exits clearly marked...
102
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,473
...on the port and starboard
sides of the ship.
103
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,557
And in case of a water landing...
104
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,035
...Floovio has many
delightful flotation devices...
105
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,196
...already blown up in his cabin.
106
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:07,796
But please, don't grab their chests,
for the plastic is wearing thin.
107
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,758
Scarlet felt despair
creep over her body lik e the fog...
108
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,190
...or was that Black Bob?
109
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,471
"Either way, she held firm...
110
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,831
...saving her purity
for Paco the Magnificent."
111
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,996
It's worse than I thought in there.
112
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,512
It got old Betsy.
113
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,674
This is a job
for old Betsy's mother...
114
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,957
...real old Betsy.
115
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,317
I'm going in.
116
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,550
This time, it's personal.
117
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,878
Okay.
118
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:05,790
"Later that day, as the welcoming sun
caressed the curvaceous princess...
119
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,549
...she found herself alone
with Captain Courage."
120
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,718
I wanted to hate that man
and his rascal ways...
121
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,798
...but after a while,
I discovered something about him.
122
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,755
A zest for life, a je ne sais quoi
that was hard to resist.
123
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,349
The days became endless
and I became dizzy with wonder.
124
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,788
Where was I?
125
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,594
Where was Prince Paco,
my fearless rescuer?
126
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,510
Where was the Domino's Pizza ship?
127
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:48,076
Thirty days or less, my ass.
128
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,391
My senses were reeling.
129
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,309
On the ship of madness,
I yearned for a v oice of reason.
130
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,391
Land ho!
131
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,159
Funny-looking land.
132
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,636
Made of wood, sails, oars.
133
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,513
Oh, and a big steering thing,
just like us.
134
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,756
My goof. It was a ship.
135
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,269
Then, as I look ed up,
something golden struck my eye.
136
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,959
I thought it was the sun...
137
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:28,073
...but it was the golden mane
of Prince Paco the Magnificent.
138
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,351
Damn wind.
139
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,990
You there, find the dastardly
Captain Courage...
140
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,829
...and bring him here that he might pay
for abducting my bride-to-be...
141
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,077
...and causing me this uneven tan.
142
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,991
Though he did not know who I was...
143
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,191
...he was drawn to me lik e magic.
144
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:10,634
By your fiery hair
and your bodacious frame...
145
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:15,072
...you could be the only one
to tell me where my fair Scarlet is.
146
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,833
'Tis I,
you hunka hunka burning hair.
147
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,716
I am your fair Scarlet.
148
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:27,757
Well, I guess I could handle you.
149
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,798
Many have died trying.
150
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,355
That's why I'm still a virgin.
151
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,676
But let's give it a go.
152
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,192
Watch it, now.
153
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,868
How dare you disturb me
while I was perusing my copy...
154
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,469
...of Seagoing C-Cups.
155
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,436
Prince Paco, sir, may I remind you
you have a 3:00 at the beauty parlour.
156
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,278
Set sail!
157
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,550
We are deep in the waters
of Rubio the Cruel...
158
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,513
...who would stop at nothing
to cop our precious cargo.
159
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,995
And soon...
Soon we shall kill this Philistine...
160
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,236
...in a manner
befitting the way he lives.
161
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,556
Nothing will bother me as long as you
do not take me away from the sea...
162
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,990
...and saddle me with a wife
that doth not work...
163
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,395
...and kids that whilst not
leave the ship.
164
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,272
How about we cut off your head
and feed it to the maggots?
165
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,633
Better.
166
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,517
With the dangerous Captain Courage
tied to the mast...
167
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,551
...and Paco by my side...
168
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,116
...the threat of Rubio the Cruel
seemed far away.
169
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,515
My prince bared his soul to me.
170
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:41,554
He could talk for hours
about his deepest passions.
171
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,796
I'm a natural blond.
172
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,912
It's really healthy. No split ends.
173
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:53,554
All it takes is a hundred strokes
a day. That's the ticket.
174
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,432
One, two...
175
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,279
What woman
wouldn't want this man?
176
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,353
But if he was truly
the man of my dreams...
177
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,710
...why was I haunted by memories...
178
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,629
...of my days and nights
of Captain Courage?
179
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,435
But still, I was promised
to Prince Paco.
180
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,232
I couldn't break his heart.
181
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,034
It was obvious he loved me so.
182
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,991
Hey, Floovio.
183
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,630
Boy, I sure would like some of that.
184
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,472
What is it?
185
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,273
It is the cabin boy-girl, sir.
186
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:06,753
Oh, I am smitten
by that boyish kitten.
187
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,155
Ahoy, cabin boy.
188
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,989
I am strangely attracted to you
and your dubious sexuality.
189
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:18,479
And I to you and your easy,
pretty-boy manner.
190
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:22,514
So let me remove all doubt
and prove to you that I'm no boy.
191
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,553
How?
192
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,520
Look closer, you idiot!
193
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,992
Land ho!
194
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,554
I hope this doesn't
come out of my paycheck.
195
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,554
It was him, the demon of the seas...
196
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,034
...the dagger of deceit...
197
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,038
...the hardest-working pirate
in show business...
198
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,231
...Rubio the Cruel.
199
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,549
Ahoy, me mates.
It is I, Rubio the Cruel.
200
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,835
But enough good cheer.
201
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,710
Men, hide your women.
Women, hide your heinies.
202
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,354
For I'll bring you the unique
musical styling...
203
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,676
...of Rubio the Cruel.
204
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,074
Rubettes!
205
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,710
Now we all know
why he's called Rubio the Cruel.
206
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,074
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
207
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,077
You've been a wonderful audience...
208
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,716
...but now it's time to kill some people
and marry the princess.
209
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,115
Any objections,
you seagoing weenie?
210
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,108
Kill him, Paco. Rip his guts out.
211
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,595
Show him what I mean to you, baby.
212
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,395
I would, but I'm wearing
my good clothes.
213
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:07,674
Besides, I am
strangely attracted to this.
214
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,678
This girl. This girl.
215
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,871
Who wants to see?
216
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,476
Prepare my virgin.
217
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,354
Not that one.
I haven't been at sea that long.
218
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,189
I meant the red goddess.
219
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,879
You're not taking me anywhere.
220
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,036
I'm not gonna
spend one moment with you.
221
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,312
Not with that voice
and that limited repertoire.
222
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,073
Who's next?
223
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,156
Now, nothing will stop me from
marrying you, collecting your dowry...
224
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,510
...having my way with you
and killing you.
225
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,029
Not necessarily in that order.
226
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,791
Can this be my fate?
227
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,516
Married to a man who would butcher
both me and Gilbert and Sullivan?
228
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,960
Only one could save me...
229
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,912
...but he wasn't here.
230
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,269
Captain, save me,
and I will be your woman.
231
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,870
The sea and my girlie magazines
are my woman.
232
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,479
Yes, but can the sea
and your magazines...
233
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,272
...cook and clean for you?
234
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,517
I will. I just love that stuff.
235
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,039
Yeah?
236
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,958
And are you really a virgin?
237
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,550
As sure as I love cooking
and cleaning.
238
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,516
Well, what about kids?
I don't want no kids.
239
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,392
You don't have to worry about that.
240
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,477
I'll be too busy earning us a living...
241
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,513
...and bringing you kegs of ale
to have children.
242
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,598
Scarlet, you is my woman.
243
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,078
I can't break these chains.
244
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,157
Cabin boy-girl, come.
245
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,793
Show him your bosoms.
246
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,433
Verily, your flatness saved the day.
247
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,389
Floovio, my blade.
248
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,032
Cruel, hold on now.
249
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,233
If you want this woman,
you must go through me.
250
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,637
Let's rock.
251
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,391
You're making me look bad
in front of my woman.
252
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,877
At least she doesn't have to
look at the bits of corn in your teeth.
253
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,954
That corn is my teeth.
254
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,393
For that, you die.
255
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,034
You fool.
256
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,755
I was taught to fight by the greatest
teachers in the finest schools.
257
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,315
Yeah? Well, I was taught how to fight
in the street.
258
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:53,830
And Princess Scarlet
lived happily ever after.
259
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:58,872
He, on the other hand,
was not interesting ever again.
260
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,230
Get up, honey. Now go to bed.
261
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:05,919
Good boy. Go on.
262
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,315
Take me, Captain Courage!
263
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,748
Who?
264
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,632
Why?
265
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,149
Peg, no!1
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,110
Hey, Kel. Popcorn ready?
2
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:23,471
I don't know.
How do you know when it's done?
3
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,597
When it's as big as Mom's hair,
it's done.
4
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,958
Nope.
5
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,273
Nope.
6
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,078
It's Mom.
7
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,908
I just love movie night.
8
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:45,076
It's a chance for us all
to be together.
9
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,238
Except for the fact that Mom and Dad
are too cheap to take us.
10
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,476
So they go and then tell us about it.
11
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,313
Who wants to hear about the movie?
12
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,995
It's starting. It's starting.
13
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:07,159
I guess no one's gonna have to yell,
"Head down in front" to you, huh, Bud?
14
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,034
Like anyone's seen your head
in a movie in 10 years.
15
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,708
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know what it means.
16
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,871
Now, now, kids.
17
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,551
No fighting on movie night or
I'm not gonna tell you the movie.
18
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,677
That's better.
19
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:27,510
Okay, first the lights come down.
20
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,633
Then your father stumbles
over everybody, spilling Cokes.
21
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,396
Then comes on a commercial
for some newspaper.
22
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,711
And a plea for the environment.
23
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,518
- Oh, save the children.
- Poor Earth.
24
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,517
Who cares.
25
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,354
And now, our feature presentation:
26
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,118
A Few Good Men.
27
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,710
Well, in the beginning, Nicholson
is really tough and everything...
28
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,595
...but then 90 minutes later,
he gives up. For no apparent reason.
29
00:02:58,800 --> 00:02:59,869
The end.
30
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,198
Wow. What a great movie, Mom.
31
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,714
Just a little too long for me.
32
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,150
No military hooters, Dad?
33
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,353
I don't like starched hooters,
and I didn't spill Cokes...
34
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,790
...and I see no reason to go on living.
35
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,438
Daddy's in a mood.
36
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,599
The cashier at the movie theatre
thought he was 65.
37
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,750
Well, the cashier wouldn't have
thought it if you hadn't said it, Peg.
38
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,837
Well, I had to, Al.
39
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,470
They raised the price of tickets to
$7 and we didn't have enough money.
40
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,309
So then I saw a sign, it said,
"Half price for senior citizens."
41
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,557
So I called Daddy, "Daddy."
42
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,429
You know what upsets me, is that the
cashier didn't ask for my license.
43
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,074
She didn't even want any ID
or any proof.
44
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,078
She just believed I was 65.
45
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,038
Well, what did you expect, honey?
46
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:57,997
She saw a stooped-over prune
of a man with a young dynamite chick.
47
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,515
Hey, who were you standing
next to, Dad?
48
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,356
The Red Reaper.
49
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,278
Kids, I don't really look old, do I?
50
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,514
- Well...
- Let's check this out.
51
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,239
Oh, hey, Bud,
you gotta jiggle his teeth.
52
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,715
Hey, I see a white one.
53
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,388
No, no, that's... That's cheese.
54
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,273
I know the sure test.
Old men have no heinies.
55
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,997
There's proof positive. Well...
56
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,269
Well, look at that round little apple.
57
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,072
Cool, Dad.
58
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,597
Look at his pants.
They just go straight down.
59
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,238
Where do old guys' heinies go?
60
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:54,554
To that strange, far-off, magical place
called their bellies.
61
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,350
Hope I never lose my butt.
62
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,793
You wouldn't lose
your butt in prison.
63
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,996
Gee, I hope I live to see you at 30.
64
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,270
Or should I say...
65
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,232
...30.
66
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,118
Hi.
67
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,112
Hi there.
68
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,754
Jefferson and I
could use a little help.
69
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,712
We were watching
this old movie on TV...
70
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,799
...with this really great old actor, but
neither of us could think of his name.
71
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:32,039
So we decided to ask someone
from an older generation.
72
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:36,995
Al, In Holiday, who played
Cary Grant's best friend?
73
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,873
How would I know, I'm not old.
It's Edward Everett Horton...
74
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:44,039
...and if you say "Who's he?" you know
damn well I'll tell your real age.
75
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:48,319
Al, I wouldn't say anything
to embarrass you.
76
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,478
He got into the movies
as a senior citizen.
77
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,158
They thought he was 65.
78
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,836
Really? I thought he was 70.
79
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,997
You must mean IQ.
80
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,875
Well, then, yes, he's definitely 65.
81
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,753
Come on, now, Al isn't 65.
82
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,110
He just looks 65.
83
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,515
Now, you wanna see
a great looking 65-year-old...
84
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,518
...you come knocking
on my door in 40 years.
85
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,950
Oh, but don't come barging in...
86
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,311
...because I'm gonna be in there
with some young chick.
87
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,316
Thank you, honey.
88
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,318
Will you still be living there with us?
89
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,275
The question is,
will you still be living?
90
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,074
Peggy, you're so lucky.
91
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:47,513
Though yours is about as desirable
as Shredded Wheat without the milk...
92
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,075
...at least he's cheap to keep.
93
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,271
Al, why don't you go
out and get yourself...
94
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,313
...one of those senior citizen
discount cards?
95
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,796
Why, you could use the card
to have a nice " In by 2 p. m...
96
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,072
...out by 2:30" supper at Denny's.
97
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,392
No kidding?
98
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,198
That's pretty good because anything
I eat by 2 is out by 2:30 anyway.
99
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,631
Hey, where can I get
one of them cards?
100
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,509
Well, city hall.
But, Al, you can't seriously do this.
101
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,790
It would be dishonest.
It would be cheating.
102
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,112
Oh, right, I couldn't do
anything like that.
103
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,870
I'm gonna get me one
of them cards right now.
104
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,753
I'll use my senior movie pass as ID.
Oh, but...
105
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,350
...if I'm gonna fool people
to thinking I'm old...
106
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,552
...l'll have to figure a way to
cover up my sexuality.
107
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,630
What about one of those
little round Band-Aids, Al?
108
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,790
She's 60. There, I told.
109
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,191
I'm gonna get you. You better not
be saying things like that...
110
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,914
Mom, I'm a little worried about Dad.
111
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:51,997
I mean, for a change,
he's gone overboard.
112
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:56,313
Since his senior discount card, he's
mailing away for anything they offer.
113
00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,229
I think there's something different
about him, but you be the judge.
114
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,717
Family, look what I got for 42 cents.
115
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,036
If it wasn't for my
senior discount card...
116
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,437
...this ensemble would have been
in excess of $3.
117
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,830
Honey, not that we're not
gonna discuss your suit...
118
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,555
...but let's begin
where most things end. Your head.
119
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,470
The Grecian Formula, huh? Yeah.
120
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,477
I shampooed it in a little at a time...
121
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:48,470
...for gradual change, and now
no one knows it's not really my colour.
122
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,594
Yeah, Dad, it... It looks real natural.
123
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,832
I really think I did a nice job.
I put it in myself.
124
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,439
See.
125
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:04,468
I shampooed it in, and voil.
126
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:08,389
A new man. God, I'm cool,
and the chicks are loving it.
127
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,870
Can you imagine what it's like
to walk into a bingo parlour...
128
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,911
...hitch up your white belt...
129
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,078
...and know you can have
any woman in there?
130
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,232
Peg, by the way,
I won't be home Friday.
131
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,830
Sadie Blondstein's
making a nice brisket.
132
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,474
The only drawback is I
find myself talking to myself.
133
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,955
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
Why not? You're charming.
134
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,833
Hey, brisket on Friday. No kidding?
135
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,350
So let me know
if you catch me doing it.
136
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:41,070
Well, kids, can I get a "Whoa, asylum"?
137
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,880
Hey, let's see what we got
in the mail.
138
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,231
Hey...
139
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:51,274
I've been invited to compete in the
Chicago Area Athletic Championships.
140
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,755
Well, can't turn this down.
141
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,549
So scare the big spider off the mantel,
because there's a new trophy coming.
142
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,149
Nothing can stop me now.
143
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,633
Except getting it in the cup
during drug testing.
144
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,199
- Dad, did you read this?
- Sure.
145
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,516
It says, "See you
at the championships."
146
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,190
It says, "Senior Championships."
147
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,159
This is for people over 65.
148
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,872
Perhaps your hair
was leaking into your eyes.
149
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,678
Honey, you know, that's
10 events in two days.
150
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:31,555
You can't even handle
one event in two minutes.
151
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:33,389
Mom's 80.
152
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:41,792
Hey, Mom, when did you start going
through, you know, mental-pause?
153
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,988
Right after I had you, honey.
154
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,516
Dad, you can't possibly
beat these old guys.
155
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,312
They're in great shape.
156
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,988
For once in your life,
quit while you're still behind.
157
00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,953
- So you don't think I can win, eh?
- Oh, Daddy, I think you can win.
158
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,439
I made a joke.
159
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,791
That was good.
160
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,430
So an old woman, a gnome
and a dullard don't think I can win.
161
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,830
- No.
- No, we actually don't.
162
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,993
Well, I can, and I will
win these championships.
163
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,714
Bring me your tired,
your old, your wrinkled...
164
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,434
...old masses yearning
to ride the bus for free.
165
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,198
Bring them all on.
166
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,233
Your 70-year-olds, your 80-year-olds,
your 90-year-olds.
167
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:31,389
Bring them in their canes and walkers
and wheelchairs. I'll bury them all.
168
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,272
Because that's the kind of man
your daddy is.
169
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,952
Good boy.
170
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:23,115
Well, at least now I can say
I've been to a Dead concert.
171
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:27,599
Get your Maalox,
red-hot suppositories...
172
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,792
...stewed prunes,
already-chewed food.
173
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,670
Get on your marks.
174
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,153
Get set.
175
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,272
What?
176
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,158
Daddy's losing.
177
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:50,480
Well, be specific.
His hair, his teeth, the race? What?
178
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,152
And Bundy is fifth.
179
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,518
Hey, Mom, was Dad ever any good?
180
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,110
He talks about it all the time,
but was he ever really a great athlete?
181
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,357
Well, actually, kids,
he was really something.
182
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,710
I remember one play in particular.
183
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,275
Everybody thought Daddy
was really boxed in.
184
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,914
So he threw a fake,
broke four tackles...
185
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:20,079
...straight-armed a guy right in the
teeth and ran for daylight.
186
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,748
It was the best run I'd ever seen.
187
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,633
He'd still be running
if my uncle hadn't clubbed him...
188
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,628
...with the butt of his shotgun
and dragged him back to the wedding.
189
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,749
So, in answer to your question:
190
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:39,717
Yes, he was a great athlete,
but no, he was never any good.
191
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:46,195
Forty-seven feet. Next up, Al Bundy.
192
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,476
Six inches.
193
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,556
Measure it again!
194
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,950
Next up at the pole vault,
Al Bundy mak es his jump.
195
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,990
Get up, Al. Get up.
196
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,237
This had better not be
Sadie the brisket woman.
197
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,633
It's not. Sadie don't have no cat.
198
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,390
Oh, God, I hurt.
199
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,473
Honey. You should be pretty proud.
200
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,678
After one full day's events,
with men who, in some cases...
201
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:49,714
...are twice your age,
you're in 15th place.
202
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:51,953
Look on the bright side, Daddy.
203
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:57,792
You are the 15th best elderly athlete
in the entire Chicago area.
204
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,675
Yeah, Dad, we're all proud
the way you nailed that cat.
205
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,034
I took him out pretty good, didn't I?
206
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,510
You sure did, killer.
207
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,348
Why don't we cut the charade, Dad.
208
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,558
You know, we don't ask for much.
209
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,150
Just once, why don't you dig deep
and show us the man you really are?
210
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,191
Make us proud, big guy.
211
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,913
Quit.
212
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,916
- You'll always have the cat.
- Yeah, I guess I can't top that.
213
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,350
All right, I quit.
214
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,068
Can't beat those guys, anyway,
they got the edge on me.
215
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,350
Most of their wives are dead.
216
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,236
You know, Peg, if you loved me,
you'd be dead already too.
217
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,431
Yeah, if.
218
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,719
All right, but understand this:
219
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,797
I was a cinch to win that thing.
220
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,198
We know you were, Dad.
221
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,789
Yeah, Dad, you can do anything.
222
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,791
I made another joke.
223
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,913
Al, you could really use some
encouragement, couldn't you?
224
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,390
Yes, Peg, I could.
225
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,352
Good night, honey.
226
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,869
It didn't always used to be like this.
227
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,994
All right, boys.
We're down three touchdowns...
228
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,873
...we don't have a chance,
so let's quit.
229
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,709
Quit? Sorry, coach,
but I'm taking over now.
230
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,469
Okay, you guys, you give me
the ball and get out of my way.
231
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,433
Al Bundy doesn't quit.
232
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,870
Peg, wake up!
233
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,798
Oh, no, Al.
234
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:45,431
Are you reliving when you slapped
the coach and took over the team?
235
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,432
Peg, shut up.
236
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,035
Kids, get in here!
237
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,715
I have made a decision.
238
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,992
I am going back
to the competition tomorrow...
239
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,509
...and I want you there,
and I want you cheering.
240
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,029
And this time
I want you cheering for me.
241
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,914
Al Bundy is not a quitter.
242
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,118
Now get out.
243
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,073
No, not you.
244
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,596
This used to be my event too, baby.
245
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,868
Well, kids, he proved it
to me last night...
246
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,230
...and I want
the whole world to know:
247
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,159
Your father is a quitter.
248
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,679
Of course, he thinks he did good.
249
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:46,836
Probably because I screamed "Al"
when he jabbed his elbow into my eye.
250
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,353
- How am I doing?
- Oh, honey, I can't believe it.
251
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,959
You're in second place.
252
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,152
Now there's one more event.
The 1500-meter race.
253
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,669
Win that, and you take it all.
254
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,030
Al, we are so proud of you.
255
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,879
You're beating all the old men.
256
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,913
Beating them?
257
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,236
I'm killing them.
258
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,998
Well, it looks like it's gonna be
a duel between you and me.
259
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,633
It's gonna be rough.
260
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:54,153
I'm a long-distance man, but I'm gonna
win this event and take that gold.
261
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,793
Means a lot to me.
262
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,549
So much, I actually considered
competing before I was 65...
263
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,432
...just to get an edge.
264
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,074
Pathetic, huh?
265
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,550
Well, what kind of an example
would that be for the grandkids.
266
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,194
So I trained for a whole year.
267
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,312
And I'm gonna win it fair and square.
268
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,992
Good luck, honey.
You're gonna need it against that guy.
269
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,631
Do you think so?
270
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,910
Yeah, sure, he does
a lot of running...
271
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,792
...but stamina's my strong point.
272
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,195
Well, no, not with you.
273
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,995
With you, stamina's a bad thing.
It prolongs the agony.
274
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,995
I'm talking about something
that excites a man. Sports.
275
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,478
But you know, winning means
an awful lot to that old guy.
276
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,070
So, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna
run the race until I know I got it won.
277
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,794
Then I'm gonna slow up
and let him win because...
278
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,276
...l'd have to be pretty pathetic
to want glory bad enough...
279
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,473
...to cheat an old man out of a victory
he's dreamed of for years.
280
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,434
See you at the finish line, baby.
281
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,597
And if history
has taught us anything...
282
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,031
...you'll be asleep by the time
I get there.
283
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,636
Runners in the 1500,
tak e your marks.
284
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,068
- What? What?
- Get set.
285
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,032
What? What?
286
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,875
The hell with him.
That trophy's mine!
287
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:15,189
It's only cheating if you get caught.1
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,035
Oh, not you again.
2
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,436
Honey, now that you're up,
rub my tushy so I can go back to sleep.
3
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,596
Oh, Peg.
4
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,434
How come nobody
ever rubs my tushy?
5
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:12,992
Well, I'll tell you what.
This weekend, you mow it, I'll rub it.
6
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,639
Oh, Al, it just doesn't feel right.
7
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,513
Well, maybe I'm rubbing
against the grain.
8
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,791
Know what would
really help me go to sleep?
9
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:37,710
Yes, Peg, but I don't think we can get
Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.
10
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,836
No, Al.
11
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,395
Tell me a story.
12
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,556
Oh, all right.
13
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,239
Once upon a time
there was a princess named Peggy.
14
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,039
I like this one.
15
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,593
She had everything.
16
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,429
Beauty, charm, breeding, inbreeding.
17
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,839
A huge fat mother.
Everything a little girl could want.
18
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,434
Then one day she married a prince.
19
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,471
Bonny Prince Al.
20
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,878
- Were they happy?
- Not at first.
21
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,194
But then she brought over
four of her best girlfriends...
22
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,392
...with the most luscious hooters
you ever saw.
23
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,630
The princess went
into a deep, deep sleep...
24
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:26,589
...and Al and the eight hooters
lived happily ever after.
25
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,434
Don't you worry, guys.
26
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,234
No matter what he says,
he still loves you.
27
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:37,668
Tell them that you do, Al.
28
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,077
They know I do, Peg.
It's you I have the problem with.
29
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,237
Now I'm all tense.
30
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,556
But I know what you could do
to make me drowsy.
31
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,159
Oh, no.
32
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,915
Not that, Al.
That only puts you to sleep.
33
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,914
Could you go down and get me
a nice warm glass of milk?
34
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,439
But hurry back, honey.
You know I can't sleep without you.
35
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,469
It's always your tushy, your milk.
36
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,150
Your stinking orgasm.
37
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,555
What about me?
How come I don't get no tushy rub?
38
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,115
If there is one
desirable tushy in this house...
39
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,276
...it's the one right behind me.
40
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,156
Hey, this is all right.
41
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,670
Well, it's darn relaxing.
42
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,713
How come I spend
so much time like this...
43
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:42,237
...when this is
right around the corner?
44
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,750
Hey, wait a second.
45
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,195
I've got two hands.
46
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,591
Oh, good night, folks.
47
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:09,834
Hi, Daddy.
48
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,554
You know, you're twice as talented
as Michael Jackson...
49
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,990
...because he only uses one hand.
50
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,233
Well, that's great.
Now I won't fall asleep again.
51
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,113
Guess I'll try what I learned
from my dad when I was a kid.
52
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,992
Counting hooters.
53
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,110
Two, four, six...
54
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,072
Eight. Oh, no, now,
wait a minute. It's twins.
55
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,358
Twelve, fourteen...
56
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,911
- Are you gonna come inside?
- No.
57
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,749
Oh, I get it. You want me
right here, right now, on the floor.
58
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,392
Hell no.
59
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,075
Well, why'd you
walk me to my door, then?
60
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,670
Because it was the only way
to get you out of my car.
61
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,599
Dad, did you see that?
62
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,799
No.
63
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,271
Did you see this?
64
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,193
- No.
- Good.
65
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,391
- Well, good night, son.
- Good night.
66
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,398
Hey, son. Son?
67
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,277
Always remember...
68
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,516
...you've got two hands.
69
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,033
Thanks, Dad. I'll be needing them.
70
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,033
Yeah, yeah, kids are great.
71
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,390
They bring you so much pleasure.
72
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,396
That's why a man
should always have a dog.
73
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,555
Buck, boy,
bring me my slippers, boy.
74
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,079
That's all right, boy.
You don't owe me anything.
75
00:06:56,280 --> 00:07:01,229
Just your worthless, stinking one-step-
from-being-gassed-in-the-pound life.
76
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,396
All right, back to hooters.
77
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,633
Thirty, thirty-two,
thirty-four, thirty-six...
78
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:02,948
All right, Peg.
79
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:14,509
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey now!
80
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,472
Hey, you're not my wife.
81
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,113
What are you doing with my TV?
82
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,909
Nothing as bad as you
were doing with my butt.
83
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,990
Now, don't look for trouble, mister.
84
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,158
Just shut up and sit down.
85
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,396
This stuff ain't worth
losing your life over.
86
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,949
Hey, this is my house.
87
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,515
I don't let the bank in here
and they own the place.
88
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,433
Don't you take another step.
89
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,517
Sic him, boy.
90
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,434
Why don't you try
to be as smart as your dog, buddy.
91
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,877
I've tried.
92
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:52,913
It doesn't work.
93
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:08,716
And this is a really remarkable story
about a totally unremarkable man.
94
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,069
A ruthless intruder brok e into his
shabby home in search of loot...
95
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,432
...but instead found
one brave shoe salesman...
96
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,679
...who, for all of us,
finally said, "No more."
97
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:27,635
And that man is
Al "the Defender" Bundy.
98
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,353
Hey, Mom, you think Dad
can make money off this whole thing?
99
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,915
Honey, you heard
what your father said to the press.
100
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,031
This was an act of pure heroism.
101
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,073
Not to be cheapened
by crass commercialism.
102
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:50,159
And you know your father's word
is as good as his breath.
103
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,718
Yes, yes, yes.
104
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,315
I am an American hero.
105
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,670
And in the grand tradition
of American heroes...
106
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,872
...I will hawk more products
than Bill Cosby.
107
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,312
When he was hot.
108
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,834
That could be
the Jell-O pudding people.
109
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,112
Oh, wait. What if it's a burglar?
110
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,039
Then I'll answer it with this:
111
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,555
Wait a second.
Burglars don't ring doorbells.
112
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,432
What if it's somebody for charity?
113
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,751
Answer it with this.
114
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,114
Hey, Al. I saw you on television.
115
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,235
But how can I put this delicately?
116
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,398
You were as dull as women's golf.
117
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,311
Well, but... Look...
118
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,353
...I know that you're looking
for endorsements, you know.
119
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,312
But, I mean, let's face the facts.
120
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,592
You're limited by your
coarse and common look. So...
121
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,549
...we tell the advertisers
that I'm Al Bundy.
122
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,194
What company wouldn't
want me as their spokesman?
123
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,630
I've got it all. I'm the total package.
124
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,116
I'm non-threatening, superficial...
125
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,240
I am the '90s, babe.
126
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,830
Look, I even fit better
with your family.
127
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,832
You see how I can make
anything look better?
128
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,235
Oh, Al. Take a picture.
129
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,238
Mom will be so happy.
130
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,796
Oh, hello, officer. Did you mistake
our house for a doughnut shop?
131
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,193
Obviously not.
132
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,879
There's only one of me.
133
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,957
You cops.
134
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,992
Mr. Bundy, the guys
down at the station think you're great.
135
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,317
In fact, we've ripped up
all your parking tickets.
136
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:22,033
And we're covering up that little
incident down at the nudie bar.
137
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,359
But we got some bad news for you.
138
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,632
That burglar got out on bail
and he says he's coming to get you.
139
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,110
Ah, let him come.
I'm not afraid of him.
140
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,675
I took him when he had a crowbar,
I'll take him now.
141
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,110
What kind of weapon
has he got this time, a gun?
142
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,637
More deadly.
143
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,432
A lawyer.
144
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,473
He says you attacked him.
145
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,592
He's suing you for $50,000.
146
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,838
Peg?
147
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,918
Peg, I'm ready for court.
148
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,071
- Where are the kids?
- They're upstairs.
149
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,316
Honey, they have a surprise for you.
150
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,318
Kids! Come down and show Daddy!
151
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,519
Kids, you don't know
what this means to me.
152
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,314
You never said that in public before.
153
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,715
What do these things say, anyway?
154
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,594
What difference does it make?
155
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,951
The important thing is
it's gonna get us cars.
156
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,393
Well, now, kids, that won't come
until after the trial.
157
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:43,828
But don't worry about it.
158
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,439
You know your dad's a winner.
159
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,108
I'm warning you, Dad.
160
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,675
Ever wanna see these shirts again,
get a good lawyer.
161
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,474
What for? It's cut and dry.
162
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:01,877
Guy broke into my house.
I broke into his face.
163
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,958
Simple. So simple
a moron could defend me.
164
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,072
Your Honour, I am here
to defend my daddy.
165
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,675
D is for "Daddy."
166
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,036
A is for "Daddy."
167
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,749
D is for "Daddy."
168
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,148
Y is for "Daddy."
169
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,430
I is for Daddy. We is for Daddy.
170
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,119
The defence breasts.
171
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,073
Your Honour, if there
actually is a valid lawsuit here...
172
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,555
...it should be
Bundy v. The Board of Education...
173
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,274
...because she actually
graduated high school.
174
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,999
Now, if you don't mind,
I will now fire my daughter...
175
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,112
...and put my money
on another idiot: Me.
176
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,709
Objection stained.
177
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,188
Order in the court.
178
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,237
I'll have a cheeseburger.
179
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,078
I'm on trial, yet she walks free.
180
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,313
Your Honour, I motion that this case
be thrown out of court...
181
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,715
...so I can get money
for my endorsement deals...
182
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,480
...and give you whatever you think
is your fair share.
183
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,833
Mr. Bundy, I have a date
with a prostitute.
184
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:32,749
But there are certain procedures
that we must follow.
185
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,397
The case of
Richard Johnson v. Al Bundy.
186
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,989
Mr. Johnson's attorney,
please proceed.
187
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,073
Thank you, Your Honour.
188
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,590
Look at my poor client's
innocent face.
189
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,234
An obviously sweet man
who was attacked by this animal.
190
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,836
Verily, I feared for my life.
191
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,111
Your Honour, if you're
not touched by that...
192
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,039
...you're not the man
I slept with in law school.
193
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,438
Gee, Al, it's really going great.
194
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,829
Your Honour, I'd like you to take a look
at exhibits A, B and C.
195
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:17,795
The valuables that my client
allegedly stole from Mr. Bundy.
196
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,309
A plastic clown.
197
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,829
A vase in very poor taste.
198
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,838
And a copy of Big 'Uns.
199
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,313
Your Honour, that was
the Christmas issue of Big 'Uns...
200
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:36,035
...and they were all
decorated for the holidays.
201
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,150
He decorated them himself,
Your Honour.
202
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,596
Your Honour, the issue here
is not how sick I am.
203
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,593
The issue is that this man
broke into my house.
204
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,876
Your Honour, how do we know
that my client...
205
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,036
...broke into Mr. Bundy's house?
206
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,468
Mr. Johnson...
207
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,468
...did Mr. Bundy give any indication
that he did not want you in his home?
208
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,278
Quite to the contrary.
209
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,553
He fondled by bottom
with his bare hands.
210
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,831
Is this true, Mr. Bundy?
211
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,676
Well, yes. Yes, I did. But...
212
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:20,233
- I thought it was my wife.
- You should be so lucky.
213
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,830
My wife's heinie puts yours to shame.
And so does mine, I might add.
214
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,077
That's not the story
your hand told me.
215
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,756
So this is what you do
while I'm asleep.
216
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,833
Al, I want you to answer me this
and answer me right now.
217
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,077
Did this man get my warm milk too?
218
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,989
Peg, I swear I didn't feed him.
I only felt him.
219
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,355
Are you gonna see him again?
220
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,635
Your Honour, these people
obviously deserve their fate.
221
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,831
But my client does not.
222
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,998
So he had a few items
that didn't belong to him.
223
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,192
Perhaps he's a congressman.
224
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,798
Or perhaps they were love gifts...
225
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,037
...from the man who used him
and then threw him out.
226
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,393
I just know he got my milk.
227
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,474
What we're looking at here,
Your Honour, is an animal.
228
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,955
Not like the gentle creatures
we know and love...
229
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,948
...from Born Free or the timeless
Lady and the Tramp...
230
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,351
...but rather, a ferocious beast,
totally out of control.
231
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,154
Mr. Bundy, what if a Girl Scout
came by selling cookies?
232
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,078
Would you have
kicked her in the face?
233
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,590
I would, and have.
234
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:41,153
We're asking for $50,000
in compensation, Your Honour.
235
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,193
Not just for the medical costs
incurred by my client...
236
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,473
...but for the mental stress
that my client is going through.
237
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,875
Let's hear it in his own words.
238
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,553
"My life is in a..."
239
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,591
- Shambles.
- "Shambles."
240
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,473
"I am now afraid
to break into people's homes.
241
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,678
My career as a burglar
may well have been cut short...
242
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,758
...while still in the prime of my life.
243
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:12,953
I can no longer look at my own behind
with child-like innocence.
244
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:18,796
But 50,000 bucks will help a lot."
245
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,711
We rest our case.
246
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,915
Mr. Bundy, your statement, please.
247
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,718
Your Honour...
248
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,309
...even a man of obvious
limited intelligence...
249
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,875
...as yourself can judge this case.
250
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:38,032
I have been in court
on a thousand trumped-up charges.
251
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,708
Some real, some imagined.
252
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,197
The point is, I lost all of them.
253
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,748
I don't know the law...
254
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,269
...nor do I really know
how to pleasure a woman.
255
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,910
I have no interest in either.
256
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,831
But let me ask you
one important question:
257
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,634
How did we become a great country?
258
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:04,437
By kicking the heinies of anybody
who threatened our borders.
259
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,117
And that's what I was doing.
260
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:13,039
I was protecting my border.
261
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,514
A man comes into my house...
262
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,995
...he better be carrying
a summons or a pizza.
263
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,478
But this man wasn't...
264
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,989
...so I called in the Marines...
265
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,839
...and the 51 st Airborne.
266
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,195
So in conclusion, Your Honour...
267
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,110
...if you rule against me...
268
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:39,949
...you rule against every man
who fought for his country.
269
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,910
The boys at San Juan Hill
and the boys at lwo Jima.
270
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:48,079
Audie Murphy, Eddie Murphy,
Murphy Brown...
271
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,119
...brown-and-serve sausage...
272
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:55,199
...the cheap brown shoes that
every working man is proud to use...
273
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,473
...to kick the heinie of any man
who invades his home.
274
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,274
Your Honour, I await your decision.
275
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,273
Guilty.
276
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,988
Of course, of course.
277
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:20,153
The court rules you should
pay $50,000 to this man.
278
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,119
I'm going to Disneyland.
279
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:30,039
So for hitting this guy I get
charged $50,000 which I don't have?
280
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,038
Well, hell, I may as well
go for a hundred.
281
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,992
Oh, Al, you did it.
282
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,553
I'm so proud of you.
283
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:52,876
The system finally
came through for us.
284
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,914
Yeah, I sued him
for hurting my hand on his face.
285
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,956
Claimed I can't sell shoes.
286
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,594
As if you ever could.
287
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,630
But I can still do this.
288
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,833
As if you ever could.
289
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,357
Where is my damn cheeseburger?1
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,631
Hi, honey. How was work?
2
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,039
I didn't quite make it to work
this morning, Peg.
3
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,198
You may not have noticed,
since you were too busy sleeping.
4
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,710
The city towed my car away again
this morning.
5
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,798
They keep thinking
it's an abandoned car.
6
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,879
- Why, Peg?
- It's a Dodge, Al.
7
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,913
Any time you see a Dodge,
you think it's abandoned.
8
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,518
Hey, by the way, where's your neck?
9
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,551
Well, that's an amusing
little side story, Peg.
10
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,077
You see, when I got to
the impound lot...
11
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,635
...I saw my car was in line for
the wrecking ball.
12
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,912
So I ran over and jumped in,
tried to stop it.
13
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,877
But I was too late.
But I did get a free sunroof.
14
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:23,114
Both for my car and my head.
Straighten me out, for God's sake, Peg.
15
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,309
Thanks, Peg. You got any aspirin?
16
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,635
Oh, just two.
17
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,197
You know, your stories always
give me such a headache.
18
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,748
Hey, Dad, can I borrow your car?
I gotta go through a rough part of town.
19
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,554
I found if I turn my hat backwards
and drive your car...
20
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,513
...even the gangs cut me a wide path.
21
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,355
Dodge says something
very special about you.
22
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,876
Oh, yeah. It says,
"Damn right I failed."
23
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,190
- Are you okay, Mrs. D'Arcy?
- Well, I was...
24
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,470
...till I was swept up by
this huge machine...
25
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,558
...which now knows me
as few men have.
26
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,074
- Do you mind backing it up a bit?
- Sure, mister.
27
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,316
Marcy, I saw what happened.
I ran right over.
28
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,351
Nice bike.
29
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,512
- Aren't you gonna ask me how I am?
- I asked you this morning.
30
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,554
How many times a day do I have to
ask you how you feel? I care, okay?
31
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,435
Young man, do you have insurance?
32
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,833
- Of course not.
- Insurance?
33
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,274
Oh, I suppose having insurance
isn't cool anymore?
34
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,397
Come on, Jefferson.
35
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:04,477
I drove a moped in college,
so I understand the outlaw mentality.
36
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,879
But the next time you run over my wife,
you better have insurance, pally.
37
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,432
Nice bike.
38
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,473
Punk.
39
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,279
So did you have a good time today?
40
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,597
Yeah, I always have fun
watching sausages being made.
41
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,712
You know, I never knew
how many fingers went into them.
42
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,713
Listen, I wanted to take you
out tomorrow...
43
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,480
...because it's your birthday and all.
44
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,831
And they say that jail
hardens a man.
45
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,354
Oh, hi, Daddy.
Do you remember Frank?
46
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,755
I barely remember Bud.
47
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,113
- Your boss called. You're late for work.
- Whoops, I gotta run.
48
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:54,029
- Daddy, give Frank a kiss for me, okay?
- Of course, pumpkin.
49
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:59,431
Relax, Frank. I don't kiss anyone
who doesn't cook for me. Ask the wife.
50
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:04,389
Sir, I hope you don't mind I'm taking
your daughter out for her birthday.
51
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,068
No kidding? It's her birthday?
52
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:12,035
Well, what is she, 12, 30?
Who really cares.
53
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,352
Just take her someplace special.
Wait a minute.
54
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,951
There. Now beat it.
55
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,269
Al, that attractive young thug
has shamed us.
56
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:34,270
- We forgot Kelly's birthday again.
- So? Bundys don't celebrate birthdays.
57
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,358
Oh, sure it causes irreparable,
emotional scars...
58
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,710
...but saves a few bucks
in presents.
59
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,919
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Luscious hooters?
60
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,832
No, I wasn't thinking that.
I should've been, but...
61
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,276
I was thinking about
your sister's birthday.
62
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,994
And we're missing
a grand opportunity here.
63
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,760
I say we should ask
to take Kelly out.
64
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:07,238
She'll say she has plans
and she'll actually think we care.
65
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,512
And then we can just forget
Kelly's birthday forever.
66
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,711
Because if she complains, we'll say:
67
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,672
"Well, we offered to take you out...
68
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,953
...but you broke our hearts
when you turned us down."
69
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,436
Bud, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
70
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:27,834
- Kelly's a sucker?
- No. I was thinking of luscious hooters.
71
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,192
I'd moved on.
Kelly, come down here. Hurry up.
72
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:45,111
Smile all you want.
I am not pulling any of your fingers.
73
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,313
Well, I guess one surprise
will have to do, then.
74
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,791
Sweetheart, tomorrow
is a very important day.
75
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:57,630
- It's my little girl's birthday.
- Congratulations, Bud.
76
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,873
I'm just kidding. I mean,
who would care about his birthday?
77
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:07,277
- I can't believe you remembered mine.
- Not only did we remember it...
78
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,234
...but we want to celebrate it by taking
you to the movies. With the family.
79
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,638
Well, I have a date with Frank
and I really like him a lot.
80
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,559
Oh, she's busy.
81
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,795
It's all right, honey. We understand.
82
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,151
But I am going to cancel my date
and go to the movies with you.
83
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,079
I mean, you guys
are like a family to me.
84
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,753
Happy now, bonehead?
85
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,396
Now this one's gonna want something
for his birthday too.
86
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,111
Well, forget about it.
We don't even wanna know when it is.
87
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,799
Fortunately, he has no friends
to tell us.
88
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,434
He has no friends.
89
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,592
Eighteen movies in this Cineplex...
90
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,270
...and the only one not sold out is
Coffee Cups For Two.
91
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,990
I guess that must mean
it's gonna be real good.
92
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,795
- Oh, lordy.
- Hey, wait a minute, Peg.
93
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,833
- Wait. We can't afford that.
- Americans coming through.
94
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,600
- Bonbon.
- Peg, we're on a limited budget here.
95
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:25,755
Bonbon.
96
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,916
It's more expensive here
than anywhere else.
97
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,510
- Bonbon.
- Bonbon.
98
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,473
And I would like a...
99
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,914
And a large Diet Coke.
Yes, thank you very much.
100
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,589
That'll be $100.
101
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:56,869
But we don't need this dog here.
102
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,794
How dare you
try to sell us empty boxes?
103
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,556
I brought this from home.
104
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,079
Let's go.
105
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,072
You didn't see nothing, kid.
You understand me? Nothing.
106
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,073
Thank you, family. This is
the bestest birthday I ever had.
107
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,238
I can't believe he's here.
I am so upset.
108
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,630
Well, honey, it's kind of a family thing.
We couldn't leave Daddy home.
109
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,917
No, Mom. Look, it's Frank.
110
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,113
God, just because I broke our date,
he's out with another girl.
111
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,756
And he has that talking-about-
his-uncle's-sausage look on his face.
112
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,598
Oh, now, don't worry, honey.
113
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,598
You're gonna have a great time.
You're with your family.
114
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,959
Well, Dad, enough of this bonding.
I got a captive audience here.
115
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,594
I'm gonna go bother me some girls.
116
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,590
Hello.
117
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:21,679
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm your new boyfriend.
118
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,040
Well, I'm your new ex-girlfriend.
119
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,553
Call me.
120
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,639
Reginald Bundy, critic for the Times.
121
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,673
You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.
122
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,713
This time I wanna watch a film
exactly as the people do.
123
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,309
So, if you don't mind...
124
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,669
Oh, I see you're alone.
Well, don't worry...
125
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,634
...because me and my beard
make just an excellent friend.
126
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,750
Here's the popcorn you wanted, Lil.
127
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,438
You know, some boy was
bothering me before.
128
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,074
I wonder where he is now.
129
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,069
Well, let me know if you see him.
130
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:40,511
Damn. I'm sitting on
something lumpy.
131
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,351
Probably a Milk Dud.
132
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,592
You people have to
keep your feet down.
133
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,268
- Go chase yourself, peasant.
- Go on.
134
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,670
Thank you for your cooperation.
135
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,357
Ladies and gentlemen...
136
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,553
...our theatres are participating in a
Send a Kid to the Movies program.
137
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,639
An usher will be collecting at the end
of this feature. Thank you.
138
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:39,995
- Hey, the movie's starting. Shut up.
- Save my seat, Peg.
139
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,791
Gave me his popcorn.
140
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,874
And now our feature presentation.
141
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,353
Mom, did this ever happen to you
when you dated?
142
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,110
Yes. Once. I was out with your dad...
143
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:16,108
...and we saw this really cool boy
that I was dating out with another girl.
144
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,799
So I had your Daddy beat him up.
145
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:23,914
You know, that's what I love about your
dad. He's like a big, stupid guard dog.
146
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,040
He didn't even ask why
he was beating the guy up.
147
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,959
He just loved it so.
148
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,312
Honey, men are to be ignored.
149
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,717
Just pretend you're married to this guy.
You won't care what he does.
150
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:44,030
Well, it's not so easy.
I mean, I wear my heart on my sleaze.
151
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,238
Daddy, what makes men
cheat on women?
152
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,919
Women.
153
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,193
Pumpkin, don't take it personally.
See...
154
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:01,359
...men are different. We're loners,
rogues, great white hunters...
155
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,792
...roaming wild and free,
like our ancestors, the mighty monkey.
156
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,188
We need variety.
In fact, women like us that way.
157
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,992
They want us to be that way.
158
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,350
Women don't respect men
unless they cheat.
159
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,989
That's why your mother
doesn't respect me.
160
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:21,159
But, honey, if it'll make you feel
any better... Booby. I saw a booby.
161
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,910
Al, that is a forehead with a zit on it.
162
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,273
Put on your glasses.
163
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,833
This is too much.
164
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,917
I'm gonna get more popcorn
and complain...
165
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,190
...to the manager there's
not enough hooters...
166
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,391
...in this otherwise
undistinguished film.
167
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,749
God, I've never been
cheated on before.
168
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,393
Mom, am I losing it?
169
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:51,549
Oh, no, honey. You don't lose it
till you're like 50 or 60.
170
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,034
I mean, look at me.
171
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:58,758
I am getting sexier and, yes,
classier, every year.
172
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:06,632
I can't be losing it.
I gotta see something.
173
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,159
Excuse me.
Would you leave her for me?
174
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,437
You bet.
175
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,994
Thanks.
176
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,874
Well, that helped a little bit.
177
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:26,919
I hate men.
178
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,999
So does God.
That's why he made them want us.
179
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,079
Not to change the subject from men,
but where's your father?
180
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,359
Peg? Kids?
Where the hell are you?
181
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,834
Well, I complained to the manager
about the lack of hooters in this film.
182
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,957
You know, Peg, you're looking good
in this dim light.
183
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,479
Remember what we used to do
at the movies?
184
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:21,631
You're not Peg!
Peg! Peg, help me!
185
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,796
- AI?
- Peg?
186
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,389
- AI!
- Peg!
187
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:31,037
- AI, you're in the wrong theatre again!
- What?
188
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,274
Damn multiplexes.
189
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,310
Oh, my gosh. I think I see a booby.
190
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:43,517
Peg, wait. I'll be over in a minute.
I think I'm seeing hooters here!
191
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,836
I am seeing hooters here.
192
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:08,795
That was a beautiful, lovely movie.
I saw 22 hooters.
193
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,197
A bunch of guys were killed.
Had no story at all.
194
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,952
It had... It had everything.
195
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,271
Oh, my God. It's Mr. D'Arcy.
196
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,596
What, is everybody
cheating on everybody?
197
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,873
You know, I have got half a mind
to give him half a half of my mind.
198
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,714
You. Neighbour boy.
199
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,556
How dare you cheat on
your miserable, flat-chested...
200
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,435
...aged, skinny little wife
with this obvious slattern.
201
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,430
I mean, look at her.
That hair. That slutty dress.
202
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,754
Well, the dress is okay.
203
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,470
Go away, you idiot.
204
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:17,518
Oh, I see. You guys are role-playing.
205
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,269
Hey, Mom, Dad. The D'Arcys are
role-playing to get themselves hot.
206
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,949
How am I supposed to score
sitting with my parents?
207
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,235
I'm a cool guy and nobody knows it
because I'm with my parents.
208
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,431
Next time I'm gonna sit alone.
209
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:47,077
Yeah. Babes can't resist a guy
who sits alone at the movies.
210
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,680
Maybe I'll wear a raincoat.
211
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,318
How long is this thing?
212
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,516
She loves him. He loves her.
213
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,517
I can't tak e it.
214
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,196
I'm gonna run amuck
and start dismembering everyone.
215
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,278
And I'm gonna start with her.
216
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,914
Gee, this film has really touched Al.
217
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:29,476
I see a tear in his eye.
218
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,629
I think I actually may
get some tonight.
219
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:38,675
Thank you, Cosmo.
You really do know men.
220
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,473
I lik e the way my hair tastes tonight.
221
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,753
I can't take this anymore.
It's like Chinese waiter torture.
222
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,358
I have to talk.
223
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:09,112
- Hello, Frank.
- Kelly.
224
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,796
It's not what you think. You see,
I was planning on using her dentist...
225
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,116
...and I was just
checking out his work.
226
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:22,309
Well, I might have bought that if I didn't
know that you see an excellent dentist.
227
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,875
But, you know, it's okay.
228
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,789
I mean, at first I was hurt to see you
with someone else, but after all...
229
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,230
...I cancelled the date.
It's my birthday...
230
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,079
...and it is time
to handle my life maturely.
231
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,636
I want you to know that I understand
what happened and it's okay.
232
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,637
- Daddy, beat him up.
- Of course, pumpkin.
233
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:15,919
And that's why cable will never replace
the moviegoing experience.1
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,756
Oh, Lord...
2
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,429
...if I ever meant anything to you...
3
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:32,156
...please let me fall asleep
before she thinks of sex.
4
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,635
Al...
5
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,148
You are a woman, aren't you?
6
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,318
Peg, we just did it last month.
7
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,756
A man can't just roll over
and do it again.
8
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,520
We have to rest in between.
9
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,674
Al, you can't wear
that cool V-neck T-shirt...
10
00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:03,433
...and those stained pyjama bottoms
and expect me not to want you.
11
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,396
They do show off the merchandise,
don't they.
12
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,550
Let's prepare ourselves.
13
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,515
Oh, Al, you're...
14
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,358
...done.
15
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,555
Thanks again, honey.
16
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,909
How you feeling, Peg?
17
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,590
I'm surprised you could make it
down those stairs this morning.
18
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,712
I know. I was pretty tired.
19
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:02,799
I hope that buzzing
didn't keep you awake last night.
20
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,313
Yeah, those damn bees.
21
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:14,913
You know, one must have stung you,
too, because I heard you scream.
22
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,516
You wanna do it again tonight?
23
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,756
Oh, Peg, I think if we do it again
too soon...
24
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,713
...it'll cheapen the experience.
25
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,229
Bask in the afterglow, baby.
26
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,476
Now, Peg, you're not glowing.
You don't have that...
27
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,434
...l've-been-satisfied-by-Al-Bundy look
on your face.
28
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,517
Maybe you should go
to your girlie doctor.
29
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,757
They say you should get checked out
every 50 years or so.
30
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,518
You know, put you up on the old rack,
check your belts and hoses.
31
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,112
Honey, there is nothing wrong
with my belts and hoses.
32
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,073
I just need to be taken out
and driven once in a while.
33
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,191
Well, that can't be a shot at me.
34
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,915
I'm Al "The Mailman" Bundy.
I deliver.
35
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:12,193
Yes, Al, but mailmen are slow.
And they deliver every day.
36
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,988
Yeah, but they don't always
have to go to the same house.
37
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,794
But seriously, Peg,
I mean, you weren't satisfied?
38
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,671
Well, let's put it this way:
I used to call you "the minuteman."
39
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,838
Now I long for those days.
40
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,237
But, you know,
Marcie was very comforting.
41
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,319
She said with you,
the sooner it's over, the better.
42
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,792
You told her?
43
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,479
Al, you...
44
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,069
You wanna throw around
the football?
45
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,756
There, are we done?
46
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,830
I think she might have told him.
47
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,389
Al, really, you shouldn't feel badly.
48
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,068
The reason you're so inept
in the bedroom...
49
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,396
...is because you've put
all of your energy...
50
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,717
...into your magnificent shoe career.
51
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,954
It's time someone spoke for Al.
52
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,591
Guess I was wrong.
53
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,633
Oh, Al's down.
54
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,274
I guess my work is done.
55
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,876
Well, let's leave
these two lovebirds alone.
56
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,197
They may wanna have sex
for a second.
57
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,589
Whoops, they're done.
58
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,431
Oh, relax, Al.
59
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,518
I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else.
60
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,876
Hey, Bundy, do me a favour.
61
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,310
Have sex with your wife 50 times.
62
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,954
We're cooking an egg.
63
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:01,794
Darly, why don't you use the time it
takes your son to get out of his dress?
64
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,638
Hiya, boy. How you doing?
65
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,879
Well, let's just say you won't hear
my bitch complaining to her friends.
66
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,438
Good boy.
67
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,034
Daddy, do you remember
my boyfriend T-Bone?
68
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,999
No, but he sounds delicious.
69
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,756
Oh, I'll tell him you said so.
70
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,033
We were all down at the Harley shop,
and he got into a discussion...
71
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,869
...about whether there should be a limit
to presidential campaign contributions.
72
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,548
Which, of course,
led to a knife fight.
73
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,868
And you should be proud to know
that when kids fight...
74
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,117
...they say, " I'm gonna waste you
quicker than Al Bundy."
75
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,399
What really bothered me...
76
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,955
...was that I didn't know
about this politics stuff.
77
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,991
Daddy, they called me stupid.
78
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,196
Am I stupid, Daddy?
79
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,118
Pumpkin...
80
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,070
Now, you see that tree out there?
81
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:13,554
Now, that tree grows and breathes,
just like you.
82
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,719
So, pumpkin, you're just as smart
as that tree.
83
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,952
Oh, you have to say that
because you're my father.
84
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,632
Hey, anybody on the street
would say that.
85
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,068
But now, pumpkin...
86
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,670
...if you want to impress
that psychopath that you're dating...
87
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,836
...here's what you should do:
88
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,235
Learn one thing really well.
89
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,317
Just pick some topic
that comes up often...
90
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,511
...among your friends
in conversation.
91
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,318
So politics or condoms?
92
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,595
Politics would be good.
93
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,195
You can start by learning
about all the presidents.
94
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,077
There's more than one?
95
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,231
Indeed.
96
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,477
So learn all about the presidents...
97
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,990
...and you'll fool your friends into
thinking you know other things too.
98
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,316
And you'll never have to impress
anybody again.
99
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,030
Thanks. I'm gonna go learn
about the presidents...
100
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,390
...quicker than Al Bundy.
101
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,157
Hi, honey.
102
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,673
You're gonna be so proud.
103
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,394
At the supermarket I heard
that they have changed...
104
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,636
...the 10-item-or-less express line...
105
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,149
...to the Al Bundy line.
106
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,235
Oh, honey, you look down.
107
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,273
Well, I got you a little present.
108
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,314
Aurora white...
109
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,512
...and a nice burrito.
110
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,190
Come on, Al, break them both open.
111
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,473
No.
112
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,193
My self-esteem, my sexuality...
113
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,631
...my whole manhood
has been taken from me.
114
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,197
I never want to go
to the bathroom again.
115
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:16,028
Well, maybe we can finally get
that curl out of the wallpaper.
116
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,074
And the birds will come back again.
117
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,552
Oh, honey,
this is really bothering you.
118
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,955
Well, I'm gonna fix it right now.
119
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,912
Okay.
120
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,679
Hello, Marcie.
121
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,953
Al and I just had a major sex-o-rama.
122
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:42,799
Yeah, Al Bundy.
123
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,030
He was magnificent.
124
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,232
Yes, Al Bundy.
125
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,512
Well, Marcie, l... I don't have
the strength to speak any longer.
126
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,392
But let's not tell anyone about this.
127
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,397
Except the girls
at the beauty parlour...
128
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,956
...because, you know,
we know we can trust them.
129
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,314
Al's got that look in his eye again.
130
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,279
Oh, no, Al.
131
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:11,752
Please have mercy. I... I...
132
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,309
Well, now you're a legend, baby.
133
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,273
- Feel better?
- No.
134
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,076
We know it's not true.
135
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,959
Come on, honey, have a burrito.
136
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,639
No.
137
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:39,636
Oh, come on, Al. It's off a truck.
138
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,957
- Well, maybe just one bite.
- Yeah.
139
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,317
Maybe just one roll.
140
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,956
Still hurting, though.
141
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,272
Wanna share some of that with me?
142
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,393
All right, honey. Now we are gonna
learn all about the presidents.
143
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:35,430
As a visual aid, we are gonna use
xeroxed copies of Daddy's money...
144
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,875
I have the originals.
145
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,390
- with pictures of our greatest
dead presidents on them.
146
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,354
Now, this is George Washington,
the father of our country.
147
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,828
I thought that was James Brown.
148
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,034
No, he's the Godfather of Soul.
149
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,238
I thought that was Don Corleone.
150
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,393
I think we've had enough
for one day.
151
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,636
Well, I still thirst for knowledge.
152
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,355
I'll go to the place that got me through
high school, the principal's house.
153
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,918
His door always was opened
for troubled girls.
154
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,588
Hey, Daddy, ask me
who's on the one-dollar bill.
155
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,392
Who's on the one-dollar bill?
156
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,278
George Jefferson.
157
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,036
So it was George Washington
that was married to Weezy?
158
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,870
Al, I was
at the beauty parlour today...
159
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,878
...and your name
is on everyone's lips.
160
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,038
Well, that and bonbon crumbs.
161
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,151
Everyone thinks you're a stud.
162
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,230
- But you don't.
- Sure, I do.
163
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:49,839
You do?
164
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,390
Okay, your relentless interrogation
has broken me.
165
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,352
I don't.
166
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,550
But either way, it doesn't matter.
167
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,070
Because you're mine and I love you.
168
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,629
Honey, I'm gonna go upstairs now
and take a shower.
169
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,230
My new nozzle, Jeffrey, just came in.
170
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,076
What happened to me?
171
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,157
I used to be good.
172
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,430
Everyone said I was good.
173
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,835
And girls don't lie.
174
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,956
Only women lie.
175
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,551
Maybe I should ask
some of my ex-girlfriends.
176
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,399
How desperate would I have to be
to have my ego boosted...
177
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,910
...by girls I slept with
and never called again?
178
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,152
Come on, Lois. So it's been 20 years
since I promised to call you.
179
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,476
I'm calling you now.
180
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,795
Now listen, this is a toll call
so let me get right to the point.
181
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,231
Remember that night in the back seat
of my old Dodge?
182
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,271
How was I?
183
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,989
I knew it.
184
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,711
"What kind of car am I driving now?"
I gotta go. Bye.
185
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,556
Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher?
186
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,433
Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brien now.
187
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,389
You're the husband. I see.
188
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,352
Well, could you do me a favour?
189
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,678
Yeah. My name's Al Bundy.
Could you ask her if she meant it...
190
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,111
...when she said she'd had them all,
but I was the best?
191
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,794
Oh, she's breast-feeding.
Hey, that...
192
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,560
That brings back memories.
193
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,553
So I was great.
194
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,671
The best!
195
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,789
Oh, come on, now.
You're making me blush.
196
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,911
Well, thank you,
Sister Mary Ignatius.
197
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,271
I knew I was good.
198
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,948
And if I was good once
I can be good again.
199
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,789
I'll just get back in shape
and show Peg I still got it.
200
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,990
Al, I'm gonna take a nap.
201
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,629
Yeah, rest up, baby.
202
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,750
And this time I may even kiss you.
203
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,715
Well, son, this is where
it all happens.
204
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,717
The Bundy gymnasium.
205
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,912
And until recently,
the place I came to cry.
206
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,675
But not today. Today we train.
207
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,110
Do a little bench press.
208
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,311
Do about 30 reps.
209
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,351
Count for me, son.
210
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,872
One.
211
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,552
Take the weight, son.
212
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,348
- What?
- Take the weight.
213
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,795
- Got it?
- Yeah.
214
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,238
Mommy!
215
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,710
- Get it off me! Get it off me!
- Okay.
216
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,151
I'm gonna... I'm gonna roll it, Dad.
I'm gonna roll it.
217
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,835
Not that way!
218
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,438
Other way.
219
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,278
Mommy!
220
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,397
How many was that?
221
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,598
One, Dad.
222
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,074
All right. Well...
223
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,317
...that's enough weightlifting.
Don't wanna get too bulked up.
224
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,676
Supple strength is what I need.
225
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,632
- We'll go hit the heavy bag.
- All right.
226
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,718
- I used to box in the Golden Gloves.
- Really, Dad?
227
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,757
Son, don't you think
if I actually had...
228
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,997
...l'd have told you about it
100,000 times by now?
229
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,713
All right.
230
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,718
You gonna be okay, Dad?
231
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,797
Maybe.
232
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,708
Well, I hope so, because...
233
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480
...it's a long way to get
a neighbour to give mouth-to-mouth.
234
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,473
You know, son...
235
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,671
...this has taught me
a valuable lesson.
236
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,313
I'm plenty strong enough...
237
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,351
...but it's endurance that I need.
238
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,993
Come, boy!
239
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,633
I'm going to run.
240
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,879
I need motivation. Show me the picture
of Grandma in her string bikini, please.
241
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,232
Come on, Dad. Come on.
242
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,715
Just two more steps.
243
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,272
Thanks for helping,
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.
244
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,677
We wouldn't have helped,
but he passed out on our lawn.
245
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:15,590
And I would have left him for compost,
but the flies started gathering.
246
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,149
It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy.
247
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,070
Well, it doesn't look like Zippy.
248
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,473
Well, you have to imagine him...
249
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,797
...with blood, bones,
and internal organs.
250
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,070
Squirrel killer.
251
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,350
Get him, Zippy.
252
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,479
Okay, come on. Marcie.
253
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,956
Marcie, come on.
Come on, let's go, honey.
254
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,709
I'll give Zippy a nice burial.
255
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,114
Cheer up, Dad.
So you killed a squirrel.
256
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,596
If it wasn't you it would have been
some cook at a Chinese restaurant.
257
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,549
Oh, Daddy, I'm glad you're alone.
258
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,318
Listen, I have great news.
259
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,994
You found your underwear
in the park?
260
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,634
No, but if I'm ever looking for it
I know you're wearing it.
261
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,310
Anyway, Daddy,
your advice worked out.
262
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,910
We were at the biker bar and everyone
started talking about what happens...
263
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,476
...when no presidential candidate
has a clear majority of electoral votes.
264
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,831
And I said that the last time
this happened was in 1824.
265
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,998
The House decided the election
and John Quincy Adams won.
266
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,875
Daddy, I wowed them.
Now everybody thinks I'm a genie.
267
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,193
Oh, thank you, Daddy. Now I know
I can overcome any obstacle.
268
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,038
I love you.
269
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,117
Where you going, Dad?
270
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,399
To the basement.
271
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,598
You gonna cry, Dad?
272
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,471
Yeah, I am.
273
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,270
But then I'm going to train.
274
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,995
Because if my little girl
can train herself to hold a thought...
275
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,597
...I can train myself to hold my wife.
276
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,113
Let's see what you got, punk.
277
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:49,156
Oh, Al!
278
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,798
Oh, Al!
279
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,111
Oh, Al!
280
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,714
And to all a good night.1
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:22,674
Well, kids, it's Friday afternoon.
You know what that means.
2
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,190
- We play Make-Believe Daddy. Yeah!
- We play Make-Believe Daddy. Yeah!
3
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,471
Hi, kids, I'm home.
4
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,796
- Daddy.
- Daddy.
5
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,077
Would you like your pipe
and slippers now, Daddy?
6
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,357
And what would you like,
beautiful?
7
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:54,712
Just hold me
in your powerful argyle arms.
8
00:01:55,800 --> 00:02:00,749
Kids, go put on some Johnny Mathis
and get out of here.
9
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,272
No, not the sock again.
10
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,392
How come he gets
a pipe and slippers?
11
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,558
I've had a cold for three days,
I gotta sleep in the garage.
12
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,074
It's for your own good, Al.
You know what they say:
13
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,238
"Starve a cold. Freeze a fever."
14
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,916
I've got a good mind not to tell you
what happened at work today.
15
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,276
And it was real interesting too.
16
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,669
Sock Daddy almost got stuck
in the lint filter today.
17
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,075
Yup, marriage stinks, have a kid.
Kid stinks, have another.
18
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,194
And everything will be all right.
19
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,755
Well, let Sock Daddy top this.
20
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,758
I've been offered early retirement.
21
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,557
They've offered to give me
a year's pay.
22
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,672
A check for $12,000.
23
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,077
- Daddy.
- Daddy.
24
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,078
Would you like your pipe
and slippers now, Daddy?
25
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,193
I don't get it, Al.
26
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,233
You mean, they're gonna pay you
just to sit around the house?
27
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,750
Yes, Peg. Quite a little novel idea
for you, isn't it?
28
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,838
But I don't know what I should do.
29
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,992
Well, that's never stopped you
from taking me.
30
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,760
Shouldn't stop you
from taking $12,000.
31
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,952
Oh, take the money, Al. I mean,
look what work has done for you.
32
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:44,513
You got lines in your face.
33
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,314
Your cheeks are sallow.
You lost all your hair.
34
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,359
Peg, that's what you've done to me.
35
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,910
But work can't be helping.
36
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,237
Besides, just think what we could do
with that money.
37
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,829
Al, we could pay off our Visa.
38
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,678
Oh, do it for me, baby.
39
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,758
I don't know how much longer
I can go without charging again.
40
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,589
I didn't work 20 years to pay off
a Visa bill.
41
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,360
Creditors don't get one penny.
42
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,030
How dare they expect us to pay
for five-year-old items.
43
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,034
I mean, if they're stupid enough
to give me credit...
44
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,118
...let them raise their interest.
Let honest people pay for it.
45
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,958
All right, we have had enough.
46
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,357
Every day, our paper is missing.
47
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,711
We never see you take it,
but we know it's you.
48
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,196
We have many signs
that point directly to you.
49
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,753
Our stoop smells.
50
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,679
Our roses have been used
as a restroom.
51
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,111
And I keep finding
all of these loose hairs...
52
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,673
...all over our porch...
53
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,316
...which look like they were
once here...
54
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,078
...here...
55
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,316
...or in there.
56
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,510
How dare you accuse me...
57
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,996
...or any member of
my law-abiding family.
58
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,430
I demand an apology.
59
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,311
That's a... That's a bad dog.
60
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:28,516
Yeah, I stole. But at least I wasn't
the one who wet the bushes.
61
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,757
Look, you don't have to worry
about us stealing anything anymore.
62
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,555
Al just got $12,000
for early retirement.
63
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,558
Oh, well, that's great, Al.
64
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,796
Why, you could live off the interest.
65
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,479
If you don't touch
your capital...
66
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,240
...your interest could earn
as much as $12 a week.
67
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,558
Really?
68
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,349
And you could use the time off,
old paint.
69
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,677
Don't wind up like my dad.
70
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,395
The man worked through his 70s,
every day of his life.
71
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,751
- His back bent from work.
- Was he a coal miner?
72
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,389
No, a gigolo.
73
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,589
He was always going to retire,
but then it was too late.
74
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,360
He tragically died
preparing for a job.
75
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,233
Burned to death in a tanning bed.
76
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,873
Well, at least he died the way
he always wanted to:
77
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,310
No tan lines.
78
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,311
Jefferson still has the cotton balls...
79
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:40,149
...that were between what used to be
his dad's toes.
80
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:45,116
I can't tan or eat a well-done steak
without thinking of that man.
81
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,916
My poor baby.
His was a close but tragic family.
82
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,997
His mother was an exotic dancer.
83
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,760
She was swallowed whole
by her snake during a break...
84
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,190
...at Airport Totally Nude.
85
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,914
I can't wear a belt or buy
an expensive pair of boots...
86
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,793
...without thinking she's in them.
87
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,996
Come, Jefferson.
In honour of your parents...
88
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,237
...come dance naked for me
and then pleasure me.
89
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,237
Yes.
90
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,437
Yes, I'll do it for Mom and Dad.
91
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,153
I just hope wherever they are,
they're watching.
92
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,198
I think we might be better off
if we bought our own newspaper...
93
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,914
...and get those people
the hell out of here.
94
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:46,511
But there's something to be learned
from Jefferson's extra-crispy dad.
95
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:49,839
There comes a time...
96
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,873
...when a man has accomplished
all he can do.
97
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,231
- I think you already have.
- I fear you're right.
98
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,153
But you know, it wouldn't be bad...
99
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,030
...to have a little extra money
in the bank around this time.
100
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:08,516
So I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna retire.
101
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,918
And then I'll have more time
to pursue my real hobby:
102
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,398
Hey, what are you doing out here?
103
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,957
We've got room for you too,
right here in retirement village.
104
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,756
Day-o
105
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,235
Day day-o
106
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,877
Daylight come and I working no more
107
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,311
Daylight come and I working no more
108
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,114
I see deadly red tarantula
109
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:59,519
But I sit here with my hand
In my pant-ula
110
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,392
- Happy, honey?
- Yeah.
111
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,592
Good, because I think you've had
enough time to relax.
112
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,916
You've slept late
and you've sat down.
113
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,720
Now it's time to get another job.
114
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,678
But, Peg, we got $12,000.
115
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,629
Honey, how long do you think
$12,000 is gonna last?
116
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,990
I mean, we've only had that money
for an hour...
117
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,668
...and already it's down to $10,000.
118
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,274
And that is just for hair, nails...
119
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,597
...and $1800 worth of junk.
120
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,311
Now, honey, am I gonna
have to spend all of this money...
121
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,512
...before you realize it's time to get
a new job?
122
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,915
But you know, it doesn't have to be
just any job.
123
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:44,112
It should be something you can
be proud of. A step up.
124
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,675
That's why I've made
an appointment for you.
125
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,030
You see, there's an opening
for a guy...
126
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,870
...to separate garbage
into paper, plastic and spit.
127
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,512
If you hurry, you can be that guy.
128
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,877
Oh, Peg, why can't getting a job
wait till tomorrow?
129
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,954
Al, there is a lot of competition
out there in the job pool.
130
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,559
Why, every day...
131
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:11,038
...more illegal immigrants,
some of whom speak English...
132
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,433
...are out there
flooding the job market.
133
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,393
Now, if you were a customer,
what would you rather hear:
134
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,830
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a slushy"...
135
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,430
...or, " Please, sir, I will gladly
serve you a slushy.
136
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,234
Thank you for not killing me."
137
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,636
Believe me, honey. I love you.
138
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,354
And I wouldn't hire you to put
phone-sex cards...
139
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,596
...under windshield wipers.
140
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,514
Besides, you know,
$10,000 is really...
141
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,915
Hello? Oh, yes,
I did place that order.
142
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,838
Thank you.
143
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,914
Nine thousand dollars...
144
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,918
...is really, really not a lot
in this day and age.
145
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,078
Especially since we put it in my name
to hide it from creditors.
146
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,550
Well, Peg, that reminds me.
Where is my money?
147
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,557
Yeah.
148
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,594
Like I'm really gonna tell you.
149
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,792
The way you just fritter it away.
150
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,071
That'll be for me.
151
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:16,155
I ordered the entire Elvis plate
collection from the Franklin Mint.
152
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,790
Now, there's no guarantee
that they'll go up in value...
153
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,479
...but all the others have.
154
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,758
And so, Miss...
155
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,472
..."Blaub"...
156
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,710
- Ms. Blaub.
- Yeah.
157
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,990
I'm sorry, your name
was partially obscured...
158
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,873
...by some errant flesh.
159
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,633
As I was saying, I'm just not going
to take anything...
160
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,434
...unlike you at a buffet.
161
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,080
So, what do you have for me?
162
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:02,471
Some Mennen Speed Stick
in my desk.
163
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,669
Well, let me give you a little tip.
It goes under your arms...
164
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,073
...if you could ever get them
horizontal.
165
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,148
Well, I can see that you are
a real people person...
166
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:21,114
...so let's get you the hell out of here
as quickly as possible.
167
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,198
How many years of college
did you have?
168
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,198
I was just entertaining myself.
169
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,628
Did you go to high school?
170
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,311
Polk High.
171
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,717
And while I find you fat
and repulsive...
172
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:43,239
...l'll gladly regale you with tales
of my four touchdowns in one game.
173
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,950
Oh, how rare it is to have someone
who played high school football...
174
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,116
...in an employment office.
175
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,828
- Look, blob...
- Blaub!
176
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:56,269
I know your name.
That was a descriptive term.
177
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,631
Now, look.
I'm putting myself...
178
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,833
...in your sweaty,
bloated hands here.
179
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,589
I'm looking for a career,
not just a job.
180
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,199
You know, like a doctor...
181
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,312
...or a guy who
plays with hooters all day.
182
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,872
That would be an anaesthesiologist.
183
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,594
Well, don't worry, I think we have
something perfect...
184
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,554
...for a man with your qualifications.
Tell me, do you have any skills?
185
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,998
Well, I'm naturally inquisitive.
186
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,236
For instance, I'm wondering
just how strong...
187
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,749
...that chair is, you're sitting in.
188
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,759
I have the perfect job for you.
189
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:47,310
Okay. Line up.
Customers will be coming in soon.
190
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,317
You guys ready?
191
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,039
All right, Bundy, meet the people
you'll be working with.
192
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,152
I like to call them
"the three Habibs."
193
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,955
That's management for you.
They're all alike.
194
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,639
Never get to know your real name.
195
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:18,111
No, it is true.
We are all named Habib.
196
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,357
Well, how do I tell you apart?
197
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,319
It is easy.
You just call us Habib...
198
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,556
...and point to the one
you wish to speak to.
199
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,113
That's what we do.
200
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,312
Is that not right, Habib?
201
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:35,832
Yes, it is, Habib.
202
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,429
Learn our names quickly, old one.
203
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,790
Soon we will be ownership Habibs.
204
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,072
The shoe store's for sale,
and we are saving our money to buy.
205
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,989
Ah, just go ahead
and play the lottery.
206
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,918
There's no money in shoes.
207
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,429
I was selling shoes
when you guys were a gleam...
208
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,473
...in a New York
taxicab driver's eyes.
209
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,876
Bundy, I've been called away
on urgent business.
210
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,311
One of the prostitutes I use is free.
211
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,595
I'm leaving you in charge.
212
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,878
The whistle is yours.
213
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:16,668
Management.
214
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,711
I'm the boss.
215
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:23,550
Finally, somebody's mistrust
in foreigners has put me in charge.
216
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,758
Okay. Huddle up.
217
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,756
All right, I'm running this team now.
218
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,111
And remember, there's no "l"
in "shoe store."
219
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,880
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna run a zone.
220
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,514
Habib, you cover running shoes.
221
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,234
Habib, you cover cross-trainers.
222
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,714
And Habib...
223
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:47,277
...you cover a hot dog with mustard
and you bring it back here.
224
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,918
Ready? Work.
225
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,230
I like this.
226
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,957
I like this so much,
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
227
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,469
I'm gonna buy this shoe store...
228
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,513
...and be the last American
in this country...
229
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,518
...to own his own business.
230
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,031
Hi. I'm Charlene Tilton...
231
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,993
...and I'd like to introduce you
to the Abdomenizer.
232
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,954
Hey, Mom, how did you ever get
Charlene Tilton...
233
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,912
...to come exercise
in our living room?
234
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,839
Well, I called to order
one of those things...
235
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,071
...but I wasn't sure
that I wanted to buy it.
236
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,714
So she rushed right over
to answer all my questions.
237
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,719
It's easy and fun.
238
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,753
You just described me,
you former Dallas cutie.
239
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:51,352
I like to call myself
"Abdomenizer B."
240
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,393
But I don't need no
stinking exerciser.
241
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,637
I get plenty of exercise
up in my room.
242
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,597
Yes, but with the Abdomenizer,
for the first time...
243
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,677
...you could have some company.
244
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,079
Peg.
245
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,510
Kids. Charlene Tilton.
246
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:16,673
Peg...
247
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,678
...I now know what's been
holding me back all these years.
248
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,076
That would be us.
249
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,473
I bet he has a new plan
to change his future.
250
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,149
I should have killed you years ago.
251
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,191
If you really wanna change
your future, start with your stomach.
252
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,789
Why, I wouldn't be here
if I didn't believe in it.
253
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,874
Oh, come on. You'd be here for
a slice of cheese and a Ritz cracker.
254
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,670
Now, Peg, I know
you could never guess...
255
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,233
...so I'm just gonna tell you.
256
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,431
I want to buy a shoe store.
It's a gold mine.
257
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,870
No, I do not want your opinion.
Give me the money.
258
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,918
Al, what woman would give
her husband his money?
259
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,839
Honey, it just isn't done.
260
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,834
Peg, I need it
and I need it now, baby!
261
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,555
Can't you see, Peg? I'm actually
really excited about something.
262
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,433
Well, believe me, Al,
I am the expert on this.
263
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,315
Wait about 30 seconds,
you won't be anymore.
264
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,149
Well, Peg, I'm not gonna beg for it.
It's my money, and I demand it.
265
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:24,597
Peg, I'm begging you for it.
Now, Peg, give me my money.
266
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,995
All right, fine. We'll have a vote.
267
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,838
Who doesn't want me
to have my money?
268
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,876
Now, that hurt, Charlene.
269
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,630
All right, I now know
what I have to do.
270
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,234
Oh, Al, you're so cute.
271
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,149
You're gonna try to earn it
by having sex with me.
272
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,111
No, Peg. Nope.
Gonna take my pants off...
273
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,197
...get a lawn chair...
274
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,915
...and sit in my underwear
over at your college.
275
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,274
Tell everybody I'm your father.
276
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,353
And then I'm gonna go to your diner,
where you work. Pull up my Hanes.
277
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,994
Tell them all I'm your father.
278
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,233
Then I'm gonna go prancing
around your beauty parlour.
279
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,228
Oh, and did I mention, by then
I won't be wearing any underwear?
280
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,273
And then, just for the heck of it...
281
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,710
...l'm gonna have
a big sign that says:
282
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,115
"I've been using the Abdomenizer
two years...
283
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,356
...and this is what I look like."
284
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,835
Now let's vote.
285
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,678
Who wants Daddy to get his money?
286
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,231
I knew you were
all behind me.
287
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,000
Now, Peg, help me out here.
What time is it?
288
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,753
Time to buy an Abdomenizer.
289
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,712
- It's 6:30, honey.
- All right, 6:30. That's fine. All right.
290
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,956
Stores are closed.
I have to go tomorrow.
291
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,720
Fine. Might be another buyer.
I have to get there early.
292
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,394
This is going to be the biggest day
of my life. Peg...
293
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,956
...the only thing you have to do, honey:
Make sure I wake up at 8:00.
294
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,636
- Can you do that for me, baby?
- I'll do it for you, baby.
295
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:19,911
You know, Charlene was really right
about this Abdomenizer thing.
296
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,671
It does work.
297
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,317
Peg?
298
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,548
Peg, thanks for waking me
right on time.
299
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,559
You know, it's 4:00 in the afternoon.
300
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:40,078
Well, honey, if I could handle
responsibility, I'd have a job.
301
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,597
Great, no harm done.
302
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:47,715
I called to see if they sold the place
without me and they did.
303
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,797
They sold it this morning.
How about that?
304
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,833
Well, who cares?
It was just a life dream.
305
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,036
You know what?
Next time you have a dream...
306
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,198
...let me know about it.
I'll wake you up.
307
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,708
But, you know, the guy also bought
my old shoe store.
308
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,912
So, you know, it's hard to find a guy
with 20 years' experience...
309
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:08,112
...who will work for minimum wage,
so I got my old job back.
310
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,915
Oh, yay, Daddy.
311
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,234
Well, at least the slow one is trying.
312
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,797
But you'll all be rejoicing
pretty soon.
313
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,592
Because I have $6000...
314
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,917
...and I'm going to invest it
for the future of my family.
315
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:27,234
Six thousand dollars worth
of lottery tickets, Dad?
316
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,870
- Think winner, son.
- We've just been handed a bulletin.
317
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,674
We have a winner in this week's
Illinois State Lottery.
318
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,030
The winner lives right here
in the Chicago area.
319
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:42,159
And who more deserving to win
the $60 million...
320
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:46,512
...than the lowest form of human life,
a shoe salesman.
321
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,429
- AI, I think it's you.
- It's me. It's me. I know it's me.
322
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,598
I know at last an American
can dare to dream.
323
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,631
And the winner is...
324
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,916
...Habib, Habib, Habib.
325
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,228
Hey, Dad.
I got a seven and an eight.
326
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:16,274
I think we won $5!
Five dollars!1
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,515
Kids! Tell your father
it's time for work.
2
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,234
And hurry,
we don't want him to be late.
3
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,192
Come on.
4
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,799
Peg.
5
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,719
I can't go to work,
I've got the chickenpox.
6
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,113
It hurts!
7
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,039
Al, it's just iodine.
8
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,596
Now, you tried that trick
on our wedding day.
9
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,916
You think if you really had
the chickenpox...
10
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,509
...we'd let you in the house?
11
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,757
Now, go to work.
12
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,479
Kids, encourage your father.
13
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,750
We love you.
14
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,511
Have a good day, Dad.
15
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,798
Good.
16
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,310
Now, here's the lunch
and the garbage.
17
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,152
Gee, Peg, I can't believe
you actually made my lunch.
18
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,273
Well, I just took the garbage
and separated it into two bags.
19
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,950
Give them shoe hell, Harry.
20
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:30,993
I'm going.
21
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,714
Going to work.
I'm gonna miss you, honey.
22
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,637
Holy moly! Yikes and gadzooks!
23
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,672
Peg. Peg, it's gone.
24
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,269
Somebody stole my car.
25
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,715
Don't be ridiculous, Al.
26
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,639
Who would steal the Dodge?
27
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:03,075
That would be like someone stealing
my engagement ring.
28
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,914
Or one of Kelly's ideas.
29
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,118
Or Bud.
30
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,439
- Flip a burger.
- Flood a bed.
31
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:17,788
I can't believe it.
32
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,514
I lost my Dodge.
It's really, really gone.
33
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,679
And it figures. Three weeks to the day
I wash the damn thing, it gets stolen.
34
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,791
- Somebody call the police.
- What for?
35
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,479
The call costs more than the car.
36
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,312
And it costs more than the condom...
37
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,954
...I should've used
the night you were conceived.
38
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,429
Yes, 911.
Yes, this is an emergency.
39
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,437
Put me on hold.
40
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,433
Yes, yes, yes, officer.
Yes, I'm still here.
41
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,592
Yes, I'll wait.
42
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,796
Yes, I'm still here. Yes, I want
some of your best men on this job.
43
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,673
The crime?
Someone stole my 1974 Dodge.
44
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,757
Hello? Hello?
45
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,790
Bribe-taking, doughnut-sucking,
trigger-happy...
46
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,752
Hello, officer?
47
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:36,831
Yes, officer.
Yes, I'd like to report a kidnapping.
48
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,749
How tall? Oh, about...
49
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:44,272
...4 feet tall, 5 feet wide...
50
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,677
...smoke belching out the rear,
weighs about two tons.
51
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,120
No, it's not Oprah.
52
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:58,078
No, it's not Delta Burke. Who would call
to complain if she was missing?
53
00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,998
No. It's my Dodge.
54
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,758
Hello?
55
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,790
Run six red lights, they're all over you.
Where are they when you need them?
56
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,874
You know, Dad,
this reminds me of the old saying:
57
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,870
I was sad when I had no Dodge,
until I saw the man who had one.
58
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,160
How did you grow up heartless
in this house?
59
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,111
I'm gonna miss the old Dodge.
60
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,231
I grew up in it. I went to school in it.
61
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:25,793
I feel like I was born in it.
62
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,392
Well, you certainly
were conceived in it.
63
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,636
I remember when you used to
lock me in it...
64
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,990
...because you couldn't find
a babysitter.
65
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,633
Yeah, but, you know, pumpkin...
66
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:40,992
...we always left the window open
just a little crack for you, didn't we?
67
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,839
Just like we did with Buck.
68
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,153
Al, you remember the time we tried
to outrun the cops in the Dodge?
69
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,588
Yeah.
70
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,554
But he eventually caught us, though.
He was pretty fast for a guy on foot.
71
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,549
Oh, but it's not just the car,
it's the precious items that it held.
72
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,994
My 8-track tape player.
73
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,714
The last great
American sound system.
74
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,630
That 8-track is to today's stereos
what a girlfriend is to a wife.
75
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,593
An earlier, better version.
76
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,277
Hey, look what we found
in the garbage.
77
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,040
Milly Bell, my 8-track!
78
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,588
We also found
your "Born To Be Wild" tape...
79
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,190
...Meet The Four Seasons...
80
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,197
...Meet The Supremes...
81
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,836
...and The Four Seasons
Meet The Supremes.
82
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,034
Well, now we know that this thief
is not only stupid...
83
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,514
...but has no taste in music.
84
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,188
Wait a second. Wait a second.
85
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,676
I wonder where Michael Bolton was
this morning.
86
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,673
If they don't arrest him for his singing,
they won't arrest him for this.
87
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,719
So someone stole your Dodge,
eh, Al?
88
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,353
Well, it's your own fault.
89
00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:00,553
You should know better than to leave it
parked out front on garbage day.
90
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:07,118
Hey, I bet somebody took it
to start a new limousine service.
91
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:11,472
You know, for those people who can't
quite afford the luxury of Greyhound.
92
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,514
Or to use as a pace car
for the Garbage Man 500.
93
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,953
You know, Marcie,
how can you be so unfeeling?
94
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,388
Didn't you ever get up...
95
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,751
...and suddenly realize that something
very, very important was gone?
96
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,919
Sure you do. You must every morning
when you open up your pyjama top.
97
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,834
Or your pyjama bottoms.
98
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,470
Yeah, right.
99
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,519
Peg, set her straight.
100
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,836
So there.
101
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,992
Now, I'm gonna have to notify
the insurance company.
102
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,713
They're not gonna be too happy...
103
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,070
...because this baby's gonna be
hard to replace.
104
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,631
Fifty dollars?
105
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,036
For a Dodge?
106
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,918
That car was a classic.
Why, everything in there was original:
107
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,793
The seats, the engine, the oil.
108
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,430
And what about my mental suffering,
huh? How much is that worth?
109
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,677
Oh, you say that's the major part
of the $50.
110
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,038
All right, let me think about it.
I'll get back to you.
111
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,717
Fifty dollars.
You can't replace a car for $50.
112
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,876
The worst part is
just five more payments...
113
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,469
...and the damn thing was mine!
114
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,713
Hey, hey look, Daddy.
115
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,832
We could get a Mercedes
for just 50 K's.
116
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,156
You don't even need money.
117
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,673
I have some spare K's
from those letters from school...
118
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,474
...saying that Kelly is an idiot.
119
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,109
Well, who's the idiot now, huh?
120
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,756
Peg.
121
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,395
That's great news, honey.
122
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,512
Why don't you run up
and get those K's?
123
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,072
You betcha.
124
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:11,033
Bud, you can help too.
You can get one out of the paper...
125
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:15,518
...because there's always one in there
about President Clinton and their cat.
126
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:22,755
And the current controversy
over campaign contributions.
127
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,669
Wow, that's
a veritable cornucopia of K's.
128
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,559
Look, Al. Al, you're not gonna settle
for 50 bucks, are you?
129
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,911
They pay you
for what's in the car as well.
130
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,680
Now, what did you have in the trunk?
131
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,915
I had parts of a carburettor
I had left over when I took it apart.
132
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,553
Had a salami that I was aging.
133
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,910
No, Al.
You tell them that you had jewellery.
134
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,556
Paintings. Cash.
135
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,149
And a salami.
136
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,710
Follow me, Al.
137
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,039
Two salamis.
138
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,674
I think I'm starting to get your drift.
139
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,910
I think I had a loaf of bread
in there too.
140
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,875
But how am I gonna prove
I had all that stuff?
141
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,638
Well, how can they
prove you didn't?
142
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:37,035
Dad, this is kind of illegal.
143
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,631
Oh, gee, that's right.
144
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,673
Guess I should rethink
the whole thing.
145
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,395
Little sissy.
146
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,556
Well, I mean, insurance companies
have been ripping us off for years.
147
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,320
Maybe we should get
our fair share, right?
148
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,635
I'm back in, eh, Dad?
149
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,598
You could really use the money, Al.
150
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:18,590
It should be your choice to walk around
with green teeth and yellow underwear.
151
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,598
Or sometimes vice versa.
152
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,159
You're right!
153
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,828
Now, I'm gonna make a list.
Peg, make a list.
154
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:31,038
How am I gonna tell this insurance guy
that I forgot to say I had all that stuff?
155
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,872
Tell him you had a lot on your mind.
156
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,719
How would they know
it's as empty as your trunk?
157
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,712
You're right.
He doesn't know I'm an idiot.
158
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,471
What am I gonna do for a car?
159
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,039
Marcie...
160
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,913
...I saw you had a third car out front.
Can I borrow it?
161
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,994
Well, actually, I borrowed it. I've been
thinking about getting a new car.
162
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,512
Dealerships are so desperate, they'll
let you try one out for a couple of days.
163
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,315
Gee, I'd like to do that...
164
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,513
...but I don't have the money to buy
a new car. And, of course, if I lied...
165
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,110
...then that would be cheating.
166
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,670
And we couldn't do that, could we?
167
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,870
That was good, right, Dad?
168
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:36,352
Pardon me.
Have you any Grey Poupon?
169
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:02,192
Hey, Kel, why are you watching
Spanish television?
170
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,552
Spanish?
171
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,678
I just thought they were English words
I didn't know.
172
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,834
Hey, don't sit on my K's.
173
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,111
I have 28 K's.
174
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,359
Now, I could probably get a Jeep,
but I have my heart set on a Mercedes.
175
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,155
So, what options
do you think I should get?
176
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,557
Maybe one of those
electronic brains.
177
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,189
Because something in the car
should have one.
178
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,755
- Who's Mom talking to?
- Oh, the insurance company.
179
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,997
She's taking care of things.
She was afraid Dad would go too far.
180
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:54,109
Yes, I realize it takes time
to authenticate the Stradivarius.
181
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,195
That's why I just don't know why
you don't take our word for it.
182
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,432
Yes, we are the same Bundys
that filed a claim...
183
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,599
...that our mansion had been
whisked away in Hurricane Andrew.
184
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,350
But I don't know what business
that is of yours.
185
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:15,111
That was an entirely different insurance
company we were trying to defraud.
186
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,675
Anyway, my husband
has empowered me...
187
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,111
...to come down off our original figure
of 6 million.
188
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,790
Yes. That's because
we found the Picasso.
189
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:31,116
It turns out it wasn't in the car at all,
it just fell into the hamper.
190
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,591
Liar?
191
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:39,157
You know, no one has ever
called me that in all my 24 years.
192
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,997
Oh, come on.
193
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,953
It's not like it's your money.
194
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,157
Hello?
195
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,789
Boy, you file
one multimillion-dollar claim...
196
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,278
...and all that "good neighbour" crap
just flies out the window.
197
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,350
Wow, Daddy,
you look good enough to bury.
198
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,950
Yeah, Al, you really look great.
199
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,835
You know, I'd marry you all over again
if I didn't know it was you.
200
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,195
But of course I do, so I wouldn't.
201
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,114
Where did you get that suit?
202
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,234
When the guys at the store
saw me pull up in my new car...
203
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,795
...they automatically opened
a charge account for me.
204
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,436
I guess they didn't know I was coming
in to bum a nickel for the meter.
205
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,751
Listen, honey, I'm having a little
trouble with the insurance company.
206
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,430
Did you know that the French claim
that the real Mona Lisa is theirs...
207
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,993
...just like we did?
208
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,397
Well, you know, it's a dark day...
209
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,797
...when someone will believe
the French over me.
210
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,988
That picture of the dogs playing poker,
did they say they have that one too?
211
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,555
Because I really did have that
in my trunk.
212
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,836
Daddy, can we take a ride
in the new Mercedes?
213
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,679
Well, pumpkin, I don't have
the new Mercedes anymore.
214
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,235
See, when I took it back
to ask for a free fill-up...
215
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,512
...they had the nerve to ask me
when I was gonna buy the damn thing.
216
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,518
Like I'd buy a foreign car.
217
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:20,948
I'm an American.
218
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,232
And if I'm gonna cheat somebody,
it'll be an American company.
219
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,275
Now, who wants to go for a ride
with me in my new loaner?
220
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,232
A Lincoln Town Car.
221
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,789
- I do. I do.
- I do. I do.
222
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,640
Then let's rock 'n' roll.
223
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,717
Gee, that was a great ride, eh, guys?
224
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,512
And it proves one thing for sure:
225
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,996
Old people can really jump out
of the way when there's 4000 pounds...
226
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,988
...of American engineering
barrelling right at them.
227
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,834
Hey, everybody,
our food's still hot...
228
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,555
...and so is that guy
at the Burger Boy drive-up window.
229
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,918
The fool actually handed me the bag
while I still had the $5...
230
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,429
...dangling in front of the window.
231
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,472
Oh, look, Bud, it looks like your bed.
232
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:18,589
Look, Kel.
233
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,268
This will fit your finger
when you're 30.
234
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,517
Now, Bud,
I have told you a thousand times...
235
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,518
...don't play with your food
or I'm gonna give it to the dog.
236
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,156
And if the dog plays with it,
I'm gonna give it to your father.
237
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,155
Hello, ma'am.
238
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,472
Joe Orton from Uninsurable "We'll
Insure Anybody" Insurance Company.
239
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,079
I've come to settle your claim.
240
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,830
- It's our 5 million dollars.
- Yeah.
241
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:47,795
Well, I see why you kept the Mona Lisa
in the trunk.
242
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,592
And my salami.
243
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:55,032
Oh, I mean, my two salamis.
How much money you gonna give me?
244
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,911
We'll give you $25,000.
245
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,318
Just wait one second, please.
246
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,038
Family meeting.
247
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,550
What are we meeting for?
Let's take the 25,000.
248
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,830
Wait a minute, Al.
That's not how it's done.
249
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,679
This is just their starting offer.
Go bargain with him.
250
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,474
No. We don't want Dad to negotiate.
He's a moron.
251
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,478
I am. I am.
252
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,910
I am a moron.
Damn, what should I do?
253
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,519
Just remember the old saying:
254
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:31,190
A bird in the hand
is worth a foot in the tush.
255
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,872
What are you saying?
256
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,798
I don't know.
257
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,272
- What should I do?
- Negotiate.
258
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,948
- Take the money.
- Buy a vowel.
259
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,992
Look, Al, whatever your instincts are,
just do the opposite.
260
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,873
Can I buy a vowel?
No, I mean... I'll take the money.
261
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,749
Good news, Mr. Bundy.
262
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,513
They're making
edible nightsticks now?
263
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,268
I wish.
264
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,790
No. I meant good news for you.
We found your Dodge.
265
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,831
It was parked around the corner
where the engine fell out.
266
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,479
We might have found it earlier...
267
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,717
...but we barely care
when there's a major crime.
268
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,951
Did they jimmy open the trunk,
officer?
269
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,350
- Nope.
- What a relief.
270
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,279
The Mona Lisa is safe.
271
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,475
Well, I gotta be going too.
There's an armed robbery in progress...
272
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,752
...and I'm gonna go park
under the freeway and take a nap.
273
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,596
Wait, Daddy,
there might be some K's in there.
274
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,189
Pumpkin, there are no K's in "broke."
275
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,913
But you know what?
276
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,680
I'll tell you something.
I'm glad they found my Dodge...
277
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,031
...because that's my car,
and I hate change.
278
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,829
Well, you know,
it would be like losing one of you guys.
279
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,112
Or, Peg, it'd be like trading you in
on a brand-new blond...
280
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,438
...with shiny, new, smooth,
factory-warranted hooters, you know.
281
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,590
Sure, the first few rides would be nice
and everything, but, you know...
282
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:33,237
...in the long run... And this, Peg,
is what depresses me every day.
283
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,431
- I realize...
284
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,551
...that you're the one I want.
285
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,553
- Oh, Al.
- I wish you wouldn't touch me that way.
286
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:50,676
Kids, let's say we jump
in the old Dodge and go for a spin.
287
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,029
- Okay.
- Let's go.
288
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,832
Hello?
Yes, I saw your ad in the paper...
289
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,953
...and I'd like to buy a Mercedes
and I just wanna verify the price.
290
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,197
How much for the new model
with everything?
291
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,556
Fifty G's?
292
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,992
Well, I don't have that kind of letter.
293
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,200
Or 50 big ones.
294
00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,749
How big do they have to be?1
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:23,190
You know, Peg, it's kind of nice
sitting here like this with you.
2
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,878
How many beers did you have
tonight, Al?
3
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,913
Ten.
4
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:35,753
So I guess we're about a six-pack
short of sex, huh?
5
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,317
At least.
6
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,793
Do I have juicy gossip.
7
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,110
It's about cousin Jimmy.
8
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:56,917
Did he find out our little Bud slept
with his bride on their wedding day?
9
00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,874
He must have. I heard he's getting
a divorce and coming to see Bud today.
10
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,436
I think he's gonna squish
the little love critter.
11
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,635
Well, here's the footstool of love now.
12
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,719
Family, this is my lucky day.
13
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,469
I was at school and there was one
of the great parties in all of history.
14
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,592
A wet T-shirt contest.
15
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,473
Large-hootered Midwestern
farm girls were sliding down...
16
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,319
...this beer chute half-naked.
17
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:36,798
There was dancing. There was loving.
My first big frat party.
18
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,912
Just a great bunch of guys having
the time of their lives.
19
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,270
And it took them a full 15 minutes
to see me...
20
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,677
...peeking in the window
and kick me out.
21
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,598
Dad, you should have seen them.
22
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,951
There were big 'uns.
There were little 'uns.
23
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,035
Round 'uns.
24
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,800
Pear-shaped 'uns.
25
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:02,391
Here an 'un, there an 'un,
everywhere an 'un-'un.
26
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,351
Sure, like I'm the only Peeping Tom
in this family.
27
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,829
Well, I guess you deserve to know,
tiny dancer.
28
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,873
Cousin Jimmy is on his way over
to have a little chat with you.
29
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,715
Wha...? What do you think he wants?
30
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,593
Your bu... Butt in a sling.
31
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:29,838
Oh, my God, that must be Jimmy.
You better run.
32
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,276
- Hi, Jimmy.
- Hi, cousin Bud.
33
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,711
Hi, cousin Kelly. Hi, Uncle Al.
Aunt Peggy.
34
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,036
Hello, cousin Buck.
35
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,152
It's too bad we only get together
at weddings and funerals.
36
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,555
Step outside, Bud.
37
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,313
Oh, all right, I'll handle this.
38
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,511
Come on in, Jimmy.
39
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,993
We heard the news. Congratulations.
40
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,078
Anybody can eat 100 Whoppers.
41
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,840
No, I'm talking about the breakup.
42
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,510
Let's face it. You had the honeymoon,
that's the best part of the marriage.
43
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,836
If it goes any longer,
they turn into this:
44
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,950
Then, if you're really unlucky,
you get these:
45
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,072
Then you turn into this:
46
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,478
Yeah, but she was
the perfect woman.
47
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,992
She was beautiful. She was rich.
And her parents are dead.
48
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,435
Boy, you must really wanna
kill that guy.
49
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,200
Kill him? I want to rend him.
50
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,437
I want to rip off his arms,
shove one of them down his throat...
51
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,756
...and have him tear out
his own heart.
52
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,033
Anyway, Bud,
I need to talk to you. Bud?
53
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,997
You crack me up.
Now get outside.
54
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:55,508
I'll be right with you.
55
00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:01,272
Dad, I don't want him to pull
my arms off and rip out my heart.
56
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,473
All I did was sleep with his wife.
What does he want from me?
57
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,558
Now, Bud, just relax.
I know how to handle this.
58
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,399
I met a lot of big, stupid bullies
when I was growing up.
59
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:16,276
Al, when you were growing up,
you were the big, stupid bully.
60
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,789
Yeah, I was.
61
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,912
I was good at it too.
But I wasn't just big and stupid.
62
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,951
I was also mean.
63
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,551
I used to scare people
like your mother scares me.
64
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,313
Dad, can you ox around later?
I'm facing death over here.
65
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,876
All right, all right.
Now, here's what you do.
66
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,911
As soon as he opens his mouth...
67
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,157
...you punch him in the breadbasket
with everything you got.
68
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,557
He'll drop faster than a stock
after I buy it.
69
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,675
- Thanks, Dad.
- All right, now go get him. Go get him.
70
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,793
Peg, looks like there will just be
three of us for dinner.
71
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,195
Bud, I've got a dilemma.
72
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,834
This thing's really eating me up.
73
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,111
I gotta kill the guy
that did this to me.
74
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,989
If only I knew who he was.
75
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,270
So you don't know?
76
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,954
All I know is that it's someone
on this block.
77
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:39,517
I need your help. Find him for me.
It'll be just like when we were kids...
78
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,950
...and someone was mad at you
and I'd beat him up.
79
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,038
When he was unconscious
you'd come along and kick him.
80
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,832
We were a great team then.
Can I count on you?
81
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,554
- She really didn't tell you anything?
- No.
82
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,435
I mean, not even that this guy was
the best she ever had?
83
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:56,914
That he was good?
84
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,317
Or at least even better than
a really tight pair of pants?
85
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,398
No, she said it really
wasn't worth mentioning.
86
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,156
That bitch.
87
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,920
You're really mad, aren't you, Bud?
88
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,872
That touches me.
89
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:21,198
You let me know when you find
this guy, because I want him bad.
90
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,078
Me too.
91
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,515
Jimmy doesn't have a clue.
92
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,472
He doesn't even know it was me.
93
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,035
And the greatest thing is,
he's never gonna find out.
94
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,673
I mean, who's gonna tell him?
95
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,599
- Not me.
- Not me.
96
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:03,071
Now, remember, Bud,
that's 100 strokes.
97
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,512
Right, Kel.
98
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,076
Eight, nine...
99
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:15,308
...16, 44...
100
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,080
...99, 100.
101
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,759
Okay.
102
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,790
It's a good thing you didn't cheat,
because I was counting along with you.
103
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,035
You're a good slave
and a damn fine eunuch.
104
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,276
You're not gonna tell Jimmy, right?
105
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,870
Not as long as my little leprechaun
keeps granting my wishes.
106
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,471
Now, don't forget to pick up
my cleaning...
107
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,318
...hang up my pantyhose...
108
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,990
Oh, and try not to get tangled up
in them this time.
109
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,115
Hey, you do good work.
It's hard to believe you're straight.
110
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,875
Very hard.
111
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,717
Thanks for letting me use
your flea brush, Buck boy.
112
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:07,154
No problem. I've been using
your toothbrush for years.
113
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,033
Son, are we alone?
114
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,719
- Yeah, Dad.
- Good.
115
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,309
Then you're the only one
I have to get rid of.
116
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,109
Dad, I need to talk to you.
117
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:30,154
Why is it always me? Get a friend.
118
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:36,151
Dad, cousin Jimmy's going crazy.
He says if I don't find out who it is...
119
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,113
...he's gonna go up and down the block
and beat everyone up.
120
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,915
I put the whole block in danger.
Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?
121
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,236
Don't ever say that, son.
122
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:50,117
The Bundy proud name was built
on a philosophy of lying.
123
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,555
Well, lying and owing money.
124
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:56,953
And perhaps beer.
Yes, lying, owing money, and beer.
125
00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,311
Only thing that separates us from
the Kennedys is they have the money.
126
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:07,117
Son, always remember
the Bundy credo:
127
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,675
Lie when your wife is waking
128
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,872
Lie when your belly's aching
129
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,719
Lie when you know she's faking
130
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:20,954
Lie, sell shoes, and lie.
131
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,433
- So that really is our family credo?
- No.
132
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,949
No, actually the family credo is:
133
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,993
Hooters, hooters
Yum, yum, yum
134
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,796
Hooters, hooters
On a girl that's dumb
135
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,999
But the father in me felt you needed
a wholesome message at this time.
136
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,760
So lie to anyone you want
as long as nobody gets hurt.
137
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,079
Dad, I'm afraid somebody will.
138
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,078
Well, then someone in the family
doesn't get hurt, that's all.
139
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,840
- Cousin Jimmy is family.
- Well, then the immediate fam...
140
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,759
See? This is why I don't like
talking to you.
141
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,598
So do anything you want
with anyone you want...
142
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,236
...just as long as you don't
wear a dress.
143
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,273
Your cousin Jimmy beat me up.
144
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,956
And he tore my little horsy.
145
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,990
He thinks I slept with his wife.
146
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,078
Well, let him sleep with yours.
That ought to be the end of him.
147
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,679
Look, he's your relative.
Do you know anything about it?
148
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,916
Son, the Bundy credo.
149
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,194
Hooters, hooters
Yum, yum, yum
150
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,390
Hooters, hooters
On a girl that's dumb
151
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,879
No, no.
152
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,993
See, the boy means that
we don't know anything.
153
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,438
It was the other credo, you idiot.
154
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:02,673
Are you okay, Mr. D'Arcy?
155
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,195
Never underestimate me.
I can handle myself. I'm an athlete.
156
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,709
I run a lot, you know,
to stay in shape.
157
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,390
So after he hit me a couple times,
I took off.
158
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,394
He chased me,
but I was too much man for him.
159
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,079
Left him in the dust.
160
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,829
The last time I saw him,
he was puffing and panting.
161
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:30,034
Yeah, you pay when you go up
against Jefferson D'Arcy.
162
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,036
What made him think you were
the guilty one?
163
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,992
He said he was looking
on the block...
164
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,590
...for a great-looking guy
women find irresistible.
165
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,670
Sometimes I wish
I looked like you two.
166
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,630
No, that's not true.
167
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,114
You slut.
168
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,077
Tramp. Hussy. Libertine.
169
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,430
I heard the whole story
from that young man.
170
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,996
How dare you do the good and plenty
with another woman.
171
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,636
And this is not the last thing
you're gonna lose.
172
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,479
Look, I'm innocent.
Marcie, think rationally.
173
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:20,912
If I wanted a young, pretty, sexy girl,
I never would've married you.
174
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,715
Yeah, why go out
for a succulent steak...
175
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,593
...when you got a dried-up strip
of beef jerky at home?
176
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,308
Marcie. Marcie.
177
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:39,792
I just had a couch-off
with Marilyn Strabits down the street.
178
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:44,676
She was telling everyone that
she could out-sit me on the couch.
179
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,559
But after about 20 hours...
180
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:51,390
...she started cramping and crying
about wasting her life.
181
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:52,954
Punk.
182
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,310
Peggy, Jefferson cheated on me.
183
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:02,195
Well, when you age and lose
your beauty, men cheat.
184
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,795
It's not your looks
that keeps me here, Peg.
185
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,558
It's mine.
186
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,393
I don't think I can get anybody.
187
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,551
Oh, I know I was asking for trouble...
188
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,876
...when I married
such a good-looking man.
189
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,197
I mean, what do I have
to keep a man like that?
190
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,518
This is where you, as my friend,
are supposed to jump in...
191
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,759
...and say that I'm pretty and sassy
and spunky, and yes, sexy...
192
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,635
...in that late-70s, New York,
androgynous-band way.
193
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,399
Can't you at least say that I have
a pleasing personality?
194
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,068
You'd give that to any fat woman.
195
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,515
You have
a very nice personality, Marcie.
196
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,075
You bet your sweet ass.
197
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,354
But I know Jefferson cheated on me
with that girl.
198
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:55,754
It had to be him.
199
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,552
The only males around at the time...
200
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,672
...were Jefferson, Bud
and old man McGinty.
201
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,236
The old man can barely walk or go
to the bathroom by himself, but still...
202
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,069
...there's not a woman on the block
who wouldn't take him over Bud.
203
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,038
Hey, you wanna keep it down
over there?
204
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,708
How far away do you think I am?
205
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,793
Peggy, what would you do
if Al cheated on you?
206
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,877
Oh, that would never happen.
207
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,117
He's like a big old
faithful hound dog.
208
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,869
Nobody wants him
and he's not good for anything.
209
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,196
But I've had him
since he was a puppy...
210
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,278
...and he has his cute little ways.
211
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,471
Excuse me, Marcie, I have to go.
212
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,714
Hey, now, what do you want?
213
00:15:55,920 --> 00:16:00,072
You. You true-blue little pooh bear.
214
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,158
Take me. Take me in the rubble
that is our bed.
215
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,237
Well, I didn't do noth...
216
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,711
Well, mister, I'll tell you this:
217
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,799
You're not gonna be getting into
these pants ever again.
218
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,319
And I mean that literally.
219
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,478
I'm telling you, I'm not gonna let you
wear these pants.
220
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:32,597
Well, obviously, you two people have
a beautiful, healthy marriage.
221
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,998
But I can't be responsible
for breaking it up.
222
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,590
This man didn't cheat on you.
223
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,678
I'm the stud. The stallion.
224
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,030
The king of them all, y'all.
225
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:51,115
I, Bud Bundy, am the irresistible one
who broke up my cousin's marriage.
226
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,231
Ring, ring. Hello, Mr. Bud?
227
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,671
Yes, I do believe it's time
for my hair appointment.
228
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,950
I got dweeb goo in my hair.
229
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,832
I'm telling Jimmy.
230
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,634
Save your breath, Hungry-Man dinner.
231
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,868
You have no hold over me anymore.
232
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,277
I've decided to tell Jimmy the truth
and take what comes.
233
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,431
Oh, good, then I win twice.
234
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,916
You were my slave and now
you're gonna be dead. Yay me.
235
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,948
But, you know, this has been
very educational for me.
236
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,596
I always thought if you had sex,
it would be the girl who died.
237
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,232
I'll be right back, Peg.
238
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,353
I must speak to the boy
about his sin.
239
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,238
Bud, I must speak to you
about the Bundy philosophy.
240
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,749
You must always tell the truth.
241
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,392
Dad, I thought you said
the Bundy philosophy was to lie.
242
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,274
It is, son.
I'm lying to your mother right now.
243
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,396
I have to get ready to go bowling.
244
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:11,354
So every time I point at you,
say, "Yes, Dad."
245
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:16,236
And so I feel that:
246
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,153
Yes, Dad.
247
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:22,948
Yes, Dad.
248
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,994
Dad, I think what I did was wrong.
249
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,836
Good point, Dad.
250
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,917
Don't ad-lib, son.
251
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,156
Yes, Dad. Dad...
252
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,237
...I really don't feel good
about myself.
253
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,155
Dad, I will never take something again
that's not mine.
254
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:51,716
I swear this to you and the heavens
above. I'll never do it again.
255
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,674
Son...
256
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:57,997
...I see you're hurting...
257
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,510
...so I wanna say this to you
and I wanna say it sincerely:
258
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,756
Blah, blah, son.
259
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,274
We are not finished yet.
260
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,710
At least, I'm not.
261
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,919
Jimmy. I'm glad you're here.
262
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,553
I have something to tell you.
263
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,557
God, you're big.
264
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,034
I know who slept with your fiance.
265
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,231
- It was...
- Who cares?
266
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,238
The past is just a frown
turned upside down.
267
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,590
One must move on.
268
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,711
I have found my one true love.
269
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,832
Bud, meet Diana.
270
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:53,994
Dee Anna.
271
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,758
Whatever.
272
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,354
Isn't she great?
273
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,155
I don't know. I don't care.
I don't even look at girls. I don't know.
274
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,234
Honey, I need to talk to Bud alone
for just one second.
275
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,308
Bud, even though I just met her...
276
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,829
...l'm gonna go out and get her
an engagement ring.
277
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,429
I don't know if I'm just in love
with being in love...
278
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,837
...or if it's that I'm so stupid,
I refuse to learn from my mistakes.
279
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,316
Well, maybe you're just in love
with being stupid.
280
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,988
Yet a third possibility.
281
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,838
Listen, I gotta go...
282
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:29,396
...but I'm gonna leave her here
with you, where she's safe.
283
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,511
Because I can trust you.
284
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,750
You're my best cousin,
you're my best friend...
285
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,598
...and you're gonna be my best man.
286
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,069
Hey, you're getting pretty big.
287
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,871
Pretty soon, I'm not gonna be able
to do this anymore.
288
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,273
How come you aren't looking at me?
289
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,795
Don't you like me?
290
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,314
No, you're a girl. Yuck.
291
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,835
I find your indifference intoxicating.
292
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,076
Look at me.
293
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,838
No.
294
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,436
This is thrilling.
295
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,715
Take me. Take me now.
296
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,159
You're my best cousin...
297
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,750
...my best friend
and my best man.
298
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,679
Dad's right.
299
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,555
If she'll flirt with me,
she'll flirt with anyone.
300
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,635
She'll just hurt cousin Jimmy.
301
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,434
I know what I have to do.
302
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,071
You're not good enough
for my cousin Jimmy...
303
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,914
...but you're just perfect for me.
304
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,712
Strike.1
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:20,794
Al, why isn't anything happening?
2
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,709
It will, you just have to be patient.
3
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,197
Well, I don't want to be
disappointed again.
4
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,872
Any minute now, trust me.
5
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,119
I know how this works.
6
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:45,030
Al, you did it.
You did pay the electric bill.
7
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:52,756
Of course.
Happy anniversary, baby.
8
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,399
Thank you, Al.
9
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,798
It's the perfect present
for the gal who already has nothing.
10
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,391
Now, is there something
I can do for you?
11
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,149
Yeah. Get in position, baby.
12
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,594
Oh, Al.
13
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,838
I can still feel you, Peg.
14
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:25,351
- I love you, Al.
- Yeah, thanks.
15
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:28,714
Hey, Mom, Dad.
16
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,953
Kids, don't just burst in like that.
17
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,674
What if we'd been doing
something intimate?
18
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,638
No, we have to turn on
the television.
19
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,229
That lady Coco's on.
The one with the beauty empire.
20
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,635
Yeah, she said
she graduated from Polk High.
21
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,110
Supposed to be the most
famous Polk High graduate.
22
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,955
The second most famous graduate.
23
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,711
I don't think this Coco broad scored
four touchdowns in a single game.
24
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,353
Or would have played pro ball
if it wasn't for a bum knee...
25
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,120
...and an even bummer wife.
26
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,238
Oh, there she is.
27
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,758
I have to say, you look great.
Would you stand up for us?
28
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,795
So you attained this perfection by
dieting and using your own products.
29
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,228
I'm very lucky.
30
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,830
I can eat anything I want
and then get it all suck ed out.
31
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,998
But my beauty products
are just as good as surgery...
32
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,397
...and the money goes to me.
33
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,432
Oh, my God, I recognize her.
34
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:50,033
Her name isn't Coco,
it's Helen Granowitter.
35
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,990
Peg, you remember her, she was
a year behind us in high school.
36
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,670
I don't remember her.
You really know her, Al?
37
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,474
Well, I don't want to say anything
in front of the kids...
38
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:09,676
...but she co-piloted the starship Bundy
a couple of seasons.
39
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,918
What do you think
of your old dad now?
40
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,714
What?
41
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,234
Oh, come on, Dad.
42
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,591
You never had
a beautiful woman in your whole life.
43
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,394
Seriously, Mom. Could you picture Dad
with even a mildly attractive woman?
44
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,276
Really, Mom. Look at him.
45
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,031
What kind of woman
do you think he possibly could get?
46
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,709
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say, " He's got you...
47
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,753
...so why would he want
a beautiful woman?"
48
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,351
Get out.
49
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,957
What did I do?
I was just insulting Daddy.
50
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,433
They hear what they wanna hear.
51
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:04,399
Hey, somebody stop that guy,
he stole my lunch!
52
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,677
Oh, my.
53
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,394
Hi, beautiful.
54
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,551
Hi, baby.
55
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,558
It's...
56
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,718
...just soda. It'll dry soon
and leave a little stain.
57
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,753
Well, let's cut the charade.
We both know why you're here.
58
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,150
Why are you here?
59
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,508
I've travelled the world
trying to find a man...
60
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,871
...that can satisfy me
the way you did.
61
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,956
Wait a second, wait a second.
62
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,435
Something's going on in here.
Wait a minute.
63
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,195
Oh, it's just an ice cube.
I thought I was passing a stone.
64
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,149
God, you're a pig.
65
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,759
I love it. I want you, Al.
Travel the world with me.
66
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,635
Make love to me
the way that only you can.
67
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,312
- Excuse me, l...
- Get out!
68
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,912
- So you were saying?
- I want you.
69
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,879
Well, I wish
I could say I was shocked...
70
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,237
...and dry.
71
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,871
Look, l...
72
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,071
I know I look
much the same as I did...
73
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,158
...when I was a strapping,
sexy high school football star, but...
74
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,158
So it doesn't surprise me
when you say you want me, but...
75
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,078
Look closely
in the dead that are my eyes.
76
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,191
You'll see I'm married.
77
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,234
I'm sorry to hear it.
78
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,755
I'm sorry to say it.
79
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,517
But would you come home
and meet my family?
80
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,315
You know, tell them you know me.
You know, the sex stuff.
81
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,508
I'd like to impress the kids,
you know.
82
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:37,918
Sure.
83
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,551
Good. I want you
to come home for dinner.
84
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,552
We're having pizza.
85
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,796
You bring it.
86
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:54,914
So you are telling us that Coco,
world-famous millionaire...
87
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:59,796
...is madly in love with you
and bringing us a pizza.
88
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,395
It's not as hard to believe
as that I could've had...
89
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,398
...a beautiful millionaire and
instead ended up with you.
90
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,355
Lucky, huh?
91
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,913
Hello, Coco.
92
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,310
I'm so happy to see you.
93
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,396
Coco, meet the family.
94
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,114
Hey, you guys
have to touch these stockings.
95
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,039
I think they're really
made out of silk.
96
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,711
I'm not wearing stockings.
97
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,233
Come with us
into our formal dining room.
98
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,668
I told you extra cheese.
99
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,553
I never met a woman
could order a pizza right. Extra cheese.
100
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:25,988
How tough is it?
101
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:31,552
- You have a lovely home.
- Yeah, right.
102
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,110
Enough meaningless girl small-talk.
103
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,031
Tell her about the legend
of Al Bundy.
104
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,119
Tell them about OCD...
105
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,359
...One Cool Dude.
106
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,348
Al, you have a disgusting
piece of cheese on your chin.
107
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,711
Everything tastes better
from Al's mouth.
108
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,597
Catch me, Bud,
I think I'm gonna faint.
109
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,677
Okay, Kel.
110
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,639
Kids, please.
111
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:25,071
Not in front of rich,
world-famous company.
112
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,431
Coco... And I think I can call you
by your first name...
113
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,110
...since you just ate
off my husband's chin.
114
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,796
- tell me, why are you here?
115
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,999
Because no one has ever
satisfied me like your husband.
116
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,356
Catch me, Bud,
I think I'm gonna faint.
117
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,111
Okay, Kel.
118
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,195
I'll put this as plainly as I can.
119
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:03,474
I've still got the hots for the big lug,
and I want to buy him from you.
120
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:21,991
So let me get this straight.
You wanna buy him?
121
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,953
He's all that's missing in my life.
122
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,118
Well, he's missing
in everybody's life.
123
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,356
But nobody wants to buy him.
124
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,990
Now, wait a second. I think
we're missing what's important here.
125
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,555
You people are treating me
like a piece of meat...
126
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,911
...and I must say that I like it.
127
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,553
I'm sorry, girls,
I think I dropped a nickel.
128
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,518
Oh, my God.
129
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,309
I thought the moon
was made of green cheese, and it is.
130
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,118
Jealous little ironing board.
131
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,589
Hey, you're Coco, aren't you?
132
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,360
I buy all your products.
133
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:15,755
You've been on parts of my body
even she hasn't touched.
134
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,788
It's an honour to meet you.
135
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,197
I write you checks
for a thousand dollars every month.
136
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,597
I owe my man's softness to you.
137
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,116
My man's softness comes naturally.
138
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,788
I'm glad you're here.
139
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,879
I'm being driven to the brink
of madness by my dry thighs.
140
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,436
I cream, and I cream, and I cream...
141
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,838
...but still my pants
wanna stick to my thighs.
142
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,878
Perhaps you should let the cream dry
before putting on your pants.
143
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,515
I feel just like I did when I was
a little boy and my father said:
144
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,792
"Shake it, son,
and the women will pay."
145
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,557
You know,
we have 8 mm film...
146
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:07,355
...of his father
fan-dancing for J. Edgar Hoover.
147
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,878
Hey, she didn't come here
to talk shop.
148
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:17,074
She came here
to purchase me as a sex toy.
149
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,033
Oh, this is impossible.
150
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,470
Someone wants you for sex?
151
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,956
What, do you have
a pet orang-utan who's lonely?
152
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,991
And not picky?
153
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,469
Oh, I'm sorry. You two weren't
properly introduced, I don't think.
154
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,477
This is Marcie,
our next-door neighbour.
155
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,272
As you can see, she probably used...
156
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,278
...some of your vanishing cream
on her breasts.
157
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,988
See? Not a trace.
158
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,714
Jefferson, pretend you're a man.
What are you gonna do about this?
159
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,913
Well, I'm gonna do what every real man
ought to do for his woman.
160
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:07,148
I'm gonna let the cream dry
before I put on my pants.
161
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,318
Oh, yeah, I say the same thing,
but a celebrity tells you...
162
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,114
...and you run, don't walk, to cream.
163
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,949
- Suck-up.
- Bitch.
164
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,512
Take me.
165
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,309
You know, it could be worse.
166
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,598
Our neighbours could have been
Siegfried and Roy.
167
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,517
Let's cut to the chase.
I want to buy your husband.
168
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,439
I'll pay you $500,000.
169
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,630
Five hundred thousand dollars
for this?
170
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,671
I don't get it.
171
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,398
But then I haven't been getting it
for 20 years, so what's the difference?
172
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,670
We can't sell Daddy.
173
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,195
Mom, when you say "we"...
174
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,955
...I hope you mean "oui," as in French
for, " Hell, yes, we'll sell Daddy...
175
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,720
...and collaborate with the Germans."
176
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,629
Ergo... Which is French for,
"Yes, take our country...
177
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,798
...but please let us live
to make our creamy sauces."
178
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:25,431
- I say we take the 500,000
and bid Daddy adieu.
179
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,551
Which is French for a deer,
a female deer.
180
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,188
So in closing,
I'd like to say one thing.
181
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:41,277
S-E-L-L, sell Daddy!
182
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,311
Dad...
183
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,996
...take a long,
hard look at yourself, pal.
184
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,714
You tell me what other possibility
there is out there...
185
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,070
...for a man made of fudge.
186
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,997
Snap out of it, man.
187
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,556
Sell your worthless
damn body and soul.
188
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,638
It's better than selling shoes.
189
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,190
At least we'll finally be able
to tell people what you do.
190
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:21,679
You'll be Al Bundy, male hooker.
191
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,669
Now, Al, promise me
you won't do anything with Coco.
192
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,833
Hey, she paid 500 grand.
193
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,430
She wants the boodle, baby.
194
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,350
Well, then promise me when you're
in bed with her, you won't enjoy it.
195
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,552
Because I think
I can assure you that she won't.
196
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,758
Honey, this is a wonderful thing
you're doing for your family.
197
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,190
I want you to know
we're all very proud of you.
198
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,396
Mom, the limo's here.
199
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:57,509
Oh, Al, that's our limo
to take us to our new lakeshore condo.
200
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:02,350
Well, honey, don't be a stranger.
You know where we live.
201
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:06,758
Well, actually you don't. Oh, well.
202
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,518
Gee, I'll miss you, Al.
203
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,628
I'll miss you too, Peg.
204
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,593
Well, goodbye.
205
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,319
Oh, why, oh, why
was I cursed with these good looks?
206
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:42,715
This rock-hard body,
this "hold me" heinie.
207
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:48,069
Face that's a homing signal
for hooters.
208
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:55,512
You are one fine $500,000
piece of beef.
209
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,832
Hi.
210
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,393
I've waited a long time, Al.
211
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,476
You...
212
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,035
You're on my side of the bed.
213
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,512
- What's the difference?
- I don't know.
214
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,075
What if I roll out in the night
and get confused...
215
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,998
...and go to the bathroom
in the hall?
216
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,793
Okay. I'll move over.
217
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,793
Here. Is this better?
218
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,114
You got my pillow all warm.
I don't like that.
219
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,393
Fine.
220
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,194
Let's get down to business.
221
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,318
You know, maybe you could
get me a glass of water.
222
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,794
- Water?
- Yeah.
223
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,879
Okay, in a glass
or on the front of your pants?
224
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,959
We don't use glasses,
but a paper cup would be nice.
225
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:26,992
It's just me.
226
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,712
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I just forgot a few things.
227
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:50,873
He gets thirsty.
228
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,353
He likes his pillow cool.
229
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,799
Well, bye.
230
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:13,030
Oh, and I don't believe
that you bought my pillow.
231
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,794
Well, stud, giddyup.
232
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,192
All right, get up.
233
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,757
Get up!
That's my bed and my husband.
234
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,673
Here's your check and get out.
235
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,759
This isn't my check.
It's just a piece of paper.
236
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,672
Gee...
237
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:50,559
...it's amazing how a page out of
the TV Guide can look like a check.
238
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,313
Here.
239
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,876
Go buy yourself your own
ring-around-the-collar worker.
240
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,954
This big lug is mine.
241
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:09,229
It's times like this
I'm glad there's a Ben & Jerry's.
242
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:10,759
You're gonna buy ice cream?
243
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,798
No, I'm gonna
go buy Ben and Jerry.
244
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,233
Gee, Al,
I hope you're not mad at me.
245
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,512
I just couldn't stand the thought
of you with someone else.
246
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,188
Even if it meant
we were gonna get rich.
247
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,073
Well, I guess I couldn't
be with anybody else either, Peg.
248
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:40,717
Even though she had more to offer
than you in every possible way.
249
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,795
I guess we're just meant
to be together, huh?
250
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,116
Yeah, I guess.
251
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,760
You know what I wanna do right now?
252
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,475
Yes, I do,
and it's exactly what I wanna do.
253
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,719
I can still feel you, Peg.
254
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,276
I love you, Al.
255
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,357
Yeah, thanks.1
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:22,313
And in science news, researchers say
it may be true that after several years...
2
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,832
...dogs and their masters
begin to look alik e.
3
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,991
Yeah, right.
4
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,477
Hi, son.
5
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:43,628
Over here, Mom.
6
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,318
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
7
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,597
Your father'll be home soon,
and he'll be looking for dinner.
8
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,149
Tell him I hope he finds it.
9
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,678
I'm just going over to Marcie's.
10
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,638
But you'll miss
Dad's latest episode...
11
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,229
...of A Fat Woman Came
into the Shoe Store Today.
12
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,672
Actually, I already know how it ends.
13
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,673
He doesn't get the sale or a life.
14
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,239
Peg.
15
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:16,679
Bud.
16
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,277
Over here, Dad.
17
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,238
I'm sorry, son. Guess what happened
today at the shoe store.
18
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,598
Did a fat woman come in?
19
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,871
Enormous.
20
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,309
Wow, that was a spine-tingler.
21
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,917
Much better than yesterday's, "A fat
woman walked past the shoe store."
22
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,875
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg.
I must have forgot my manners.
23
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,315
How'd you do at work today?
24
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,919
I see.
25
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,795
This woman comes in,
and she is so fat...
26
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,879
...she actually has three smaller women
orbiting around her.
27
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:04,518
So I'm trying to force a pair
of size-13 shoes on her Jurassic feet...
28
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,154
...when she says to me
that her husband just left her.
29
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,236
The plot thins.
30
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,517
Pardon me, son, let's hear
about your day at work today.
31
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:17,874
That's interesting.
32
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,674
So this woman's telling me
about how her husband left her.
33
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,592
And she reaches into her purse...
34
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,479
...moves aside the pastrami sub...
35
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,469
...and produces
two $500 courtside tickets...
36
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,632
...to tonight's
All-Star Charity Basketball Game.
37
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,995
The one to send overprivileged
white kids to basketball camp?
38
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,634
Hands Across the Suburbs?
She gave you these tickets?
39
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,269
Sold them to me for $1 apiece,
which I didn't have...
40
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,397
And, Peg, thank you for that.
41
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,913
- but which I was able to borrow
at the mall fountain...
42
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,836
...and the charity mint box.
43
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:01,188
So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor
this Labour Day.
44
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,151
Now it's just a matter
of who I go with.
45
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:06,839
- Well...
- No.
46
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,799
And it's not because
I don't love you like a son, Buck.
47
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,836
- Bud.
- Whatever.
48
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,911
It's just that you can do
nothing for me.
49
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:21,114
Now, see, these are power seats.
I need to talk somebody with influence.
50
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,512
I wonder what the doorman
at the nudie bar's doing tonight.
51
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:30,478
Well, it's fall.
Maybe he's taking his shower.
52
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,715
Call him, Bud, he's on speed dial,
listed under Grandma.
53
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,918
Peggy.
54
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,314
Do I have the most romantic husband
or what?
55
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:52,109
- Guess where he's taking me tonight.
- On the kitchen table?
56
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:59,837
Better. He's taking me to see
The Captain and Tennille Unplugged.
57
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,995
Gee, you would've thought somebody
would've plugged them by now.
58
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:10,238
- It's their big reunion concert.
- Guess who's opening for them.
59
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,272
The Carpenter?
60
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,436
You saw it in the paper.
61
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,918
Yeah, these reunion concerts
are great.
62
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,236
They stir memories
of the good times you had...
63
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,192
...with the woman
you've always loved...
64
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,278
...and the great times you had
with the women you barely knew.
65
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:36,194
I honestly can't think of another place
I'd rather be tonight.
66
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,797
Please take me, Al.
Please. Please.
67
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,635
- What are those tickets to?
- Basketball.
68
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,279
What a snore.
69
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,431
It may not have the same
excitement...
70
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,355
...of "My Daddy Saw My Behind"
on Oprah Week...
71
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,074
...but it gives me a reason to live.
72
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,949
I want a reason too, Al.
What'll it take?
73
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,272
- What have you got?
- Marcie's Discover Card.
74
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,350
I'm over the limit on her Visa.
75
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,954
You're gonna be over the limit
on your health insurance deductible...
76
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:20,352
...if we're not arm-in-arm singing
"Muskrat Love" in a couple hours.
77
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,795
- I can't go, Al.
- I didn't invite you.
78
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,269
Al, how come we never go
to concerts?
79
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,353
It's because we don't like
the same people.
80
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,955
For instance, you like you.
81
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,068
Peg, I can promise you...
82
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,352
...the day they put Captain and Tennille
on a life-support system...
83
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,438
...we'll be among the first
to see them unplugged.
84
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,714
Well, if we didn't need them for sex,
they'd make great compost.
85
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,595
Well, in that case,
you can grind mine up right now.
86
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:03,234
Oh, Al, what is the big deal about
going to a basketball game anyway?
87
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,391
I mean, you watch it on TV
all the time.
88
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,154
Because there's nothing like
being there in person.
89
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,550
This All-Star Game
is a once-a-year thing.
90
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,439
I mean, it transcends basketball.
It's limos...
91
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,716
- It's bright lights.
- Celebrities.
92
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,394
Celebrities?
There's gonna be celebrities?
93
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,950
No, Peg. I meant celeries.
94
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:26,148
Celeries is the official vegetable
of the NBA.
95
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,072
Al, I think I wanna go to this game.
96
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:34,313
Peg, can't go.
Achmed the doorman is going.
97
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:36,999
Dad, Achmed can't make it.
98
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,800
It's Silicone Madness Night
at the nudie bar.
99
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,472
- Tonight? Damn!
- Tonight? Damn!
100
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,431
Well, then it's settled. I'm going.
101
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,672
You can't, Peg. There's a league rule.
No women allowed.
102
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,473
I'm gonna be late.
I'm going to the All-Star Game tonight.
103
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:08,599
Wait a second.
104
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,638
- How did you get a ticket?
- I don't need a ticket.
105
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,158
I'm young, available
and I look like this.
106
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,918
Kel, Kel.
When are you gonna give up?
107
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,390
Every year you try to marry
a basketball player...
108
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,636
...and every year you just get older.
109
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,355
And another crop of girls turn 18.
110
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,273
Soon you're gonna be
girding your loose loins in leather...
111
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,029
...and sitting in the pathetically-past-
their-prime section with Dyan Cannon.
112
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,075
Ho, ho, Pimple-stiltskin.
113
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:46,951
By the way, the Eagle Scouts called,
your merit badge in celibacy came in.
114
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,633
If I'm not back tonight,
then my mission was accomplished...
115
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:56,112
...and you may forever refer to me
as Mrs. Vlade Divac.
116
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:06,233
So, Al, what do you think
I should wear to the game tonight?
117
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:10,234
Peg, you can wear your robe
and your bonbon bib for all I care...
118
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:14,359
...because you're absolutely,
positively staying home!
119
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,430
Now, isn't this fun?
120
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:41,833
Look, Al. It's my very own
Patrick Ewing groin-pull doll.
121
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,871
That's nice, Peg. At least
you won't be doing that to me now.
122
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,275
This is the first time
you've been to a game...
123
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,715
...so let me explain the rules
of basketball.
124
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,838
Rule number one, no talking.
125
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,511
And when you break rule number one,
and you will...
126
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,871
...there's rule number two,
which is...
127
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,834
...if I look at pretty girls walking
up and down the aisles, and I will...
128
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,836
...you can't say,
"Are they prettier than me?"
129
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,992
Always know the answer will be,
"Yes, she is."
130
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,550
And in some cases, "Yes, he is."
131
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,068
I'm sorry, honey.
132
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,517
I was pulling on Patrick.
Did you say something?
133
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,912
- Not a word.
- All, please rise.
134
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:33,312
Tonight, singing our national anthem
is Ms. Tina Turner.
135
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,837
Oh, say can you see
136
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,435
There's more to see than this.
137
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:57,594
By the dawn's early light
138
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,513
But you'd be too tired to wake up.
139
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,873
What so proudly we hail
140
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,111
Who wrote this song?
141
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,759
- AI, doesn't that look like it could be...?
- Shut up, Peg.
142
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,435
At least it's better than Roseanne.
143
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:23,509
And the home of the brave
144
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,512
Call me, Vlade!
145
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,753
And that concludes tonight's
national anthem.
146
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:38,078
And now it's time to meet
your NB A All-Stars.
147
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,788
And Danny Ainge.
148
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,235
Al, I have to go to the bathroom.
149
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,156
Come on, Al,
I want you to go with me.
150
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,632
- Why?
- To keep the men from leering at me.
151
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:08,429
Peg, they're not leering at you,
they're laughing at me.
152
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,430
Honey, I really have to go.
153
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,554
All right, but I don't wanna
miss the start of the game.
154
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,877
I promise you won't.
Come on, hurry. We'll be quick.
155
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,428
What a game.
156
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:35,792
That was the most exciting quarter
and a half of basketball I've ever seen.
157
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,070
Not as exciting
as me almost getting arrested...
158
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,475
...for loitering
in front of the ladies' room.
159
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:46,079
Well, you know I told you about putting
your hands down your pants in public.
160
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,596
Well, it's the only fun I've had
in this game so far, Peg.
161
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,156
What I'd like to do
is watch the rest of it...
162
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,830
...in complete, total
and uninterrupted silence, okay?
163
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,952
Okay, sweetie.
164
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,116
Hey, Riley, nice hair.
165
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,233
What, are you using 30-weight now?
166
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:14,351
Hey, Barkley,
you're playing like a virgin.
167
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,753
Al, you're being obnoxious.
168
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,956
You're supposed to act
like that at a game.
169
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,954
The players love it.
It shows you appreciate the sport.
170
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,036
Hey, baldy.
171
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:34,637
Are you a real player,
or did Sinead O'Connor get a tan?
172
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,188
That's the wrong guy, Peg.
173
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,994
That's Xavier McDaniel.
They call him the X-Man.
174
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,959
Oh, he's coming this way, Peg.
You don't know me.
175
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,997
Excuse me, but I couldn't help
but overhear your little witticism.
176
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,031
He made me say it.
177
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,758
My mistake.
178
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,790
You know, Mr. X,
I might leave him alone.
179
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,678
He played high school football.
180
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,390
You'll hear it from me. You'll be leaving
the game on a stretcher.
181
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,029
Hey, couldn't we start things off
as friends?
182
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,953
Could you help me get
Shaquille O'Neal's autograph?
183
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,795
You know, it is better
being here in person.
184
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:47,476
That's the end of the first half,
with the score tied at 81-81.
185
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,829
That's good.
I came to at just the right time.
186
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,158
Hey, Al, could you change seats
with me? I can't see.
187
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,675
You can't see what, Peg?
It's halftime.
188
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,549
Yeah, but I think that's Joe Piscopo
over there.
189
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,793
Over there, Peg? That's an usher.
Wait a second, that is Joe Piscopo.
190
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,874
Honey, change seats with me. I won't
ask you for another thing. I promise.
191
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,308
Come on.
192
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,559
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to play Bask et-O-Cash.
193
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,997
Some lucky fan will get a chance
to shoot from the free-throw line...
194
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,232
...for $10, 000.
195
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,234
And tonight's lucky contestant
is sitting in section eight...
196
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,755
...row B, seat two.
197
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,039
That's me! That's me!
198
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,596
- It's me. It's you?
- Congratulations, miss. Right this way.
199
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,360
But wait a second. No, see, see.
She's not me. I'm her.
200
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,591
That was my seat. We switched.
Tell him, Peg.
201
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,831
It's me. It's me!
202
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,196
She doesn't have a chance
of making the shot.
203
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,317
That's the way we like it.
204
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,391
- Right this way.
- Oh, come on, let's go.
205
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:59,715
And now, the precision choreography
of our own All-Star cheerleaders.
206
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,716
Hi, Vlade. My name is Kelly.
207
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,313
I can make you very happy.
208
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,074
You can show me
how to set my VCR?
209
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,268
If necessary.
210
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,071
Here's my phone number.
211
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,676
- There's only six numbers.
- Well, come on, I'm not easy.
212
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,036
Call me, okay?
We can make it happen.
213
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,590
Ms. Bundy, we'll be shooting in
about five minutes. Here are the rules.
214
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,717
You get one shot
from the free-throw line.
215
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,070
Make it, and you win $10,000.
216
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,958
- Sounds easy.
- Any questions?
217
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,431
Yeah, just one.
What's a free-throw line?
218
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,598
Don't spend it all in one place.
219
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,479
She'll be ready, wise guy.
220
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,953
Shave your head, give me your hair,
I'm taking the shot.
221
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,316
Don't be ridiculous, Al.
222
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:47,394
I'm sure that if I practice, I can be just
as good as that Smoking Joe Louis...
223
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,949
...or any of those
other quarterbacks.
224
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,513
Another slow day, eh, God?
225
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,588
Okay, now, look, Peg.
226
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,913
- Now, pretend that I'm the basket.
- I don't know, honey.
227
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,878
I've pretended you're a lot of things:
228
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:09,393
A cowboy, a knight, Mr. T,
dead, but a basket...
229
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,349
Peg, concentrate. This is $10,000.
230
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,750
You know what I could do
with $10,000?
231
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,798
Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?
232
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,876
No, Peg. Just one great one.
233
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:28,238
All right, now, relax, take aim,
bend your knees...
234
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,553
...and let the ball roll slowly
off your fingertips.
235
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,516
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear
the first time.
236
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,553
Peg!
237
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:04,519
NBA action, it's fantastic.
238
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:11,037
And now it's time to play
Bask et-O-Cash.
239
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,511
Tonight's lucky contestant
is a woman.
240
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:21,037
From Chicago, Ms. Peg Bundy.
241
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,830
Ms. Bundy says she's married
to a successful doctor...
242
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,119
...and not to Al Bundy
the shoe salesman.
243
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,828
And now, presenting
the Bask et-O-Cash ball...
244
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,833
...a starting guard
for the Portland Trail Blazers...
245
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,992
...and proud member
of America's Olympic Dream Team...
246
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,073
...Clyde "The Glide" Drexler.
247
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,551
You know, anyone can do that.
248
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,950
I have to make it from here.
249
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:57,948
Don't worry about it.
250
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,754
Just think of the line
from that famous commercial.
251
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,558
Oh, you mean, "Just do it"?
252
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,110
Well, no.
I was thinking, "Leggo my Eggo."
253
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,430
But yours is better.
254
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,837
Okay. Good luck, Ms. Bundy.
255
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,991
Don't be nerv ous.
256
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:21,316
Ten thousand dollars
riding on this shot.
257
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:27,277
Ten thousand people rooting for you.
258
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,511
Or against you.
259
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,638
Ten...
260
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,312
Go ahead and shoot it, baby.
261
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,553
The court's all yours, Peg.
262
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,031
Ten thousand dollars.
263
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,238
Gee, I wonder if I could get
a cheerleader for that.
264
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,752
Ten thousand dollars.
265
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,993
Gee, I wonder if I could get
a player for that.
266
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:18,914
Hey, if we'd had her instead of Ainge,
we'd have won the championship.
267
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,237
Now, now, Peg. Now, that's all right.
268
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,516
You gave it your best shot.
269
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,519
- You're not disappointed, Al?
- Disappointed, Peg?
270
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,194
It's the only way it could be.
271
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,078
I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it.
272
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,669
How else could it have turned out?
273
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,914
- Then it's your fault.
- From the minute I said, I do.
274
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,795
You know, honey,
I'm really sorry about the money.
275
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,837
I guess basketball's
just not my game.
276
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,310
I guess not, Peg.
Come on, sweetheart, let's go.
277
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,039
Okay.1
00:01:26,857 --> 00:01:28,085
Hi, Peggy.
2
00:01:28,337 --> 00:01:31,409
We just came by to borrow
some lawn chairs.
3
00:01:33,737 --> 00:01:35,728
Jefferson's taking me to the beach.
4
00:01:35,977 --> 00:01:37,296
The beach, huh?
5
00:01:37,537 --> 00:01:40,449
Gee, I can't remember the last time
Al took me to the beach.
6
00:01:40,697 --> 00:01:43,336
Can't remember
the last time Al took me.
7
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:46,854
- Sure as hell wasn't at the beach.
- Oh, Peggy.
8
00:01:47,097 --> 00:01:51,249
It's such a shame you didn't marry
into your own species.
9
00:01:52,177 --> 00:01:54,975
Vertebrates love to go places
with their wives.
10
00:01:55,177 --> 00:01:57,896
- Take Jefferson.
- Like you wouldn't want him back.
11
00:02:00,257 --> 00:02:01,770
For example, I meant.
12
00:02:02,017 --> 00:02:04,611
In the book that I got him,
The Woman Is Always Right...
13
00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:13,646
...Jefferson has learned the ABC's
of any good marriage are...
14
00:02:13,897 --> 00:02:17,287
Appreciation, balance
and consideration.
15
00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:21,610
Well, you know, Al believes
in the ABC's of a good marriage too.
16
00:02:21,857 --> 00:02:24,451
Only his are air conditioning, beer...
17
00:02:24,657 --> 00:02:28,536
...and " Could you shut up so I can
enjoy my air conditioning and beer?"
18
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:40,608
Come on, Marcie,
your stuff's in the garage.
19
00:02:41,017 --> 00:02:44,248
Al, how come you never take me
to the beach?
20
00:02:44,857 --> 00:02:47,417
What's the point?
You'd just find your way back.
21
00:02:50,417 --> 00:02:52,453
I really wish
you two were coming with us.
22
00:02:52,697 --> 00:02:54,972
I hate seeing Al shirtless
as much as anyone...
23
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:58,493
...but there's no better way
to keep the flies off the food.
24
00:03:02,817 --> 00:03:04,694
On the bright side,
there's no lifeguard...
25
00:03:04,897 --> 00:03:08,287
...that would give her
mouth-to-beak resuscitation.
26
00:03:09,017 --> 00:03:11,485
Hey, guess what happened to me today
at the shoe store.
27
00:03:11,737 --> 00:03:15,412
A cop came in,
gave you a ticket for loitering?
28
00:03:15,937 --> 00:03:18,735
So no friends at all
are enough for you now?
29
00:03:19,697 --> 00:03:22,575
- I'm sorry, Al. Go ahead.
- Okay.
30
00:03:23,457 --> 00:03:26,096
Jefferson, was there ever a girl
in your life...
31
00:03:26,337 --> 00:03:30,728
...that you were so nuts about, so crazy
for, so unbelievably in love with...
32
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:32,933
...that you would do anything
she asked you?
33
00:03:33,537 --> 00:03:36,256
Yes, Marcie.
34
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:38,973
Really?
35
00:03:39,217 --> 00:03:42,175
Yep. Marcie McGuire,
my third grade teacher.
36
00:03:43,497 --> 00:03:45,727
I remember she used to wear
this certain skirt...
37
00:03:45,977 --> 00:03:49,890
...and sometimes if there was a lot
of static electricity in the air it would...
38
00:03:50,137 --> 00:03:52,776
Jefferson, this is my story.
39
00:03:56,817 --> 00:03:58,569
What would it do?
40
00:03:59,257 --> 00:04:01,327
Cling to her bottom.
41
00:04:05,097 --> 00:04:07,531
Anyway, there I was
in the shoe store...
42
00:04:07,777 --> 00:04:09,176
...and guess who I heard from?
43
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,328
Mary Ellen Listfield.
44
00:04:11,577 --> 00:04:13,613
My Marcie McGuire.
45
00:04:13,897 --> 00:04:15,046
You should've seen her.
46
00:04:15,257 --> 00:04:19,535
She was the most beautiful girl in
the neighbourhood. I was so in love.
47
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:21,011
So...
48
00:04:22,377 --> 00:04:24,174
...did you do her?
49
00:04:25,497 --> 00:04:28,170
You're a toad,
you know that, Jefferson?
50
00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:32,456
Why would I say I was in love with her
if I ever had sex with her?
51
00:04:39,577 --> 00:04:42,137
Good point, Al. You're right.
So go ahead. What happened?
52
00:04:42,377 --> 00:04:45,175
Well, she went off to college...
53
00:04:45,417 --> 00:04:49,092
...but before she went I told her
if she ever needed anything to call.
54
00:04:49,337 --> 00:04:52,647
- And today she did.
- So now you're gonna do her.
55
00:04:53,777 --> 00:04:55,813
My doing days are over, Jefferson.
56
00:04:56,017 --> 00:04:58,406
I'm done.
57
00:05:03,457 --> 00:05:04,731
But get this.
58
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:07,974
She's back in the neighbourhood
running her father's old soda shop.
59
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:11,055
Now, a few kids in the neighbourhood
are giving her a bad time.
60
00:05:11,297 --> 00:05:13,492
So I'm gonna go
straighten things out.
61
00:05:13,737 --> 00:05:17,491
- What're you gonna tell Peggy?
- Same thing I've told her my whole life.
62
00:05:24,297 --> 00:05:27,209
That what I do
is none of her damn business!
63
00:05:33,737 --> 00:05:35,932
Al, Al, Al.
64
00:05:36,137 --> 00:05:38,173
Have you ever read the book:
65
00:05:38,417 --> 00:05:40,214
The Man Is Always Right?
66
00:05:41,377 --> 00:05:43,732
No. Wife wouldn't let me.
67
00:05:44,457 --> 00:05:48,530
Well, in the chapter titled,
"My God, Is She Still Here?"...
68
00:05:50,977 --> 00:05:53,571
...it states that the longer
a couple has been married...
69
00:05:53,817 --> 00:05:56,456
...the less likely a man
can hide anything from his wife.
70
00:05:57,697 --> 00:06:00,655
There hasn't been a woman made yet
smart enough to read Al Bundy.
71
00:06:02,537 --> 00:06:04,095
Hi, Peg.
72
00:06:04,777 --> 00:06:06,733
What're you hiding?
73
00:06:07,937 --> 00:06:11,612
- I was at the shoe store today when...
- When, when...
74
00:06:11,817 --> 00:06:14,012
...when he realized
that he hasn't taken you...
75
00:06:14,257 --> 00:06:16,851
...on that second honeymoon
that you've always dreamed of.
76
00:06:17,057 --> 00:06:18,615
And now he is.
77
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,409
- Now I am?
- Oh, Al, you are?
78
00:06:22,657 --> 00:06:27,014
- You really do care.
- But Peg, I don't. I swear that I don't.
79
00:06:27,257 --> 00:06:29,725
I gotta go tell Marcie.
80
00:06:39,497 --> 00:06:41,852
Okay, I know what you're thinking.
81
00:06:42,297 --> 00:06:45,130
Then why aren't you
crossing your legs?
82
00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:53,089
Look, Al, don't you get it?
83
00:06:53,337 --> 00:06:55,487
Now she can't suspect anything.
84
00:06:55,737 --> 00:06:59,571
All you do is you just go get
a hotel near the old neighbourhood...
85
00:06:59,777 --> 00:07:05,932
...and after you take care of business,
then you can go take care of business.
86
00:07:06,177 --> 00:07:10,250
But that means
I have to sex with my wife.
87
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:15,332
Hey. Sometimes if you wanna win
the war you have to burn the village.
88
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,052
Al, this is so exciting.
89
00:07:23,297 --> 00:07:24,855
Look at this room.
90
00:07:25,097 --> 00:07:26,849
Look at this bed.
91
00:07:27,097 --> 00:07:29,486
And it's even made.
92
00:07:30,057 --> 00:07:31,729
Our second honeymoon.
93
00:07:31,977 --> 00:07:35,765
Just you and me together
for the whole weekend.
94
00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:46,649
Gee, Al, I wish
you could feel my heart.
95
00:07:47,257 --> 00:07:48,690
I wish I could feel your throat.
96
00:07:53,137 --> 00:07:55,014
But enough foreplay.
97
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:58,727
This is our honeymoon and I say we
shouldn't waste another minute of it.
98
00:07:58,977 --> 00:08:01,366
Oh, baby.
99
00:08:01,617 --> 00:08:06,372
Well, I haven't seen you like this
since Ginger week on Gilligan's Island.
100
00:08:07,417 --> 00:08:09,931
So, what'd you have in mind?
101
00:08:10,177 --> 00:08:11,769
First we get out of these clothes...
102
00:08:11,977 --> 00:08:16,493
...and then start things off
with a good, long, hard nap.
103
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,494
- Nap?
- Yes, Peg. Just you and me.
104
00:08:18,737 --> 00:08:22,969
- Or better yet, just you.
- But, Al, I wanted to fool around.
105
00:08:23,217 --> 00:08:27,051
Oh, Peg, that'd be just like
our first honeymoon.
106
00:08:27,537 --> 00:08:30,335
Well, not if we fool around together.
107
00:08:36,257 --> 00:08:38,612
- Just a quickie, Al.
- Peg.
108
00:08:38,857 --> 00:08:42,975
Please, just a quickie. I promise.
And then I'll go right to sleep.
109
00:08:44,817 --> 00:08:46,569
Oh, all right.
110
00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:49,889
But make it quick
because I'm not in the mood...
111
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:18,089
- Hey, buddy, can you help me out?
- No, sorry, I already gave at the wife.
112
00:09:28,617 --> 00:09:31,211
I'm here to see Mary Ellen.
113
00:09:31,457 --> 00:09:32,856
Oh, she's upstairs.
114
00:09:33,297 --> 00:09:37,848
- Hey, aren't you Al Bundy?
- Himself.
115
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:41,933
- How'd you know?
- Everybody knows you, Mr. Bundy.
116
00:09:45,777 --> 00:09:49,053
That's the thing about coming home,
they never forget you.
117
00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:03,247
Say, little girl, you look familiar.
118
00:10:03,497 --> 00:10:07,376
You wouldn't happen to be
Mary Ellen's daughter, by any chance?
119
00:10:07,617 --> 00:10:10,450
Me? No. I'm Jackie, her niece.
120
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:13,336
Yes! I knew it.
121
00:10:13,577 --> 00:10:15,932
My dream girl's still untouched.
122
00:10:16,177 --> 00:10:18,054
All Aunt Mary's kids are grown.
123
00:10:19,977 --> 00:10:21,649
Oh, well, what did you expect...
124
00:10:21,897 --> 00:10:24,730
...the same little virgin
you used to walk to school?
125
00:10:24,977 --> 00:10:29,016
So someone else touched her,
what difference does it mak e?
126
00:10:29,457 --> 00:10:31,766
Damn slut.
127
00:10:32,817 --> 00:10:35,536
- Hi, Al.
- Oh, Mary Ellen.
128
00:10:35,777 --> 00:10:39,816
Well, you don't look like a slut at all.
129
00:10:43,137 --> 00:10:44,809
Thanks, Al.
130
00:10:45,057 --> 00:10:47,525
You're not exactly
a sack of road apples yourself.
131
00:10:48,417 --> 00:10:50,806
Well, I try to keep in shape.
132
00:10:51,057 --> 00:10:54,845
- It's been a long time, Al.
- Yeah, it sure has.
133
00:10:57,377 --> 00:11:02,326
Hey, congratulations. Jackie tells me
you had some sex. I mean, some kids.
134
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:06,057
Yeah. Three, actually. How about you?
135
00:11:06,297 --> 00:11:09,687
No sex. Two kids.
Three dollars. Not on me.
136
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:12,326
Oh, but listen. I gotta be honest.
I can't stay long.
137
00:11:12,537 --> 00:11:15,927
The wife thinks I'm in the bathroom,
so I can only stay a couple of hours.
138
00:11:16,137 --> 00:11:19,846
Hey, you wanna tell me about
those kids who've been hassling you?
139
00:11:20,057 --> 00:11:25,689
Well, the main one's name is Ray Ray
and he's not a bad kid, actually.
140
00:11:25,937 --> 00:11:28,656
In a lot of ways he reminds me
of the way you were.
141
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,457
I don't wanna get him in trouble,
Al, I just figured...
142
00:11:31,697 --> 00:11:33,813
...with you guys
being so similar that...
143
00:11:35,217 --> 00:11:37,048
Here he comes.
144
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,128
What, this little punk?
145
00:11:39,377 --> 00:11:40,890
What's so similar about us?
146
00:11:49,537 --> 00:11:53,132
Hey, give me a couple
of steak and egg sandwiches, huh?
147
00:11:53,377 --> 00:11:57,131
In my day, when two people were
talking, a man would wait his turn.
148
00:11:57,377 --> 00:12:00,733
Yeah, well, in your day
there only were two people.
149
00:12:01,377 --> 00:12:03,607
Now give me a couple
of steak and egg sandwiches.
150
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,052
You never paid for the ones
you had last night.
151
00:12:06,297 --> 00:12:08,288
That's why I said "Give me."
152
00:12:22,977 --> 00:12:24,569
Do I know you, man?
153
00:12:24,817 --> 00:12:26,853
Ever hear of Al Bundy?
154
00:12:27,097 --> 00:12:28,576
Polk High. All City.
155
00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:31,251
Four touchdowns in one game.
156
00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:37,726
- No.
- Hey, wait a minute, Ray Ray.
157
00:12:37,977 --> 00:12:40,411
It's that bad check guy.
158
00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:43,694
Oh, yeah. Al Bundy.
Hey, what is up, Al?
159
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:47,247
I was king of these streets before
you were the gleam in the eyes...
160
00:12:47,457 --> 00:12:50,972
...of a couple of strangers
at an Eagles concert.
161
00:12:52,297 --> 00:12:55,130
And that lady you've been picking on
is a friend of mine.
162
00:12:55,377 --> 00:13:01,009
So as the former king of the streets
to a pretender to the throne...
163
00:13:01,257 --> 00:13:03,293
...we can handle this two ways:
164
00:13:03,537 --> 00:13:05,368
Either in here like gentlemen...
165
00:13:05,617 --> 00:13:08,529
...or out there like Ren and Stimpy.
166
00:13:09,737 --> 00:13:11,090
The choice is up to you.
167
00:13:24,577 --> 00:13:28,934
Begging your highnesses pardon,
but if I may suggest a third option.
168
00:13:33,497 --> 00:13:36,648
Al, are you okay?
169
00:13:36,897 --> 00:13:40,207
You've been in there
for almost two hours.
170
00:13:41,937 --> 00:13:43,450
Do you need any...
171
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,176
...help?
172
00:13:49,017 --> 00:13:51,167
Nope. I'm fine.
173
00:13:53,937 --> 00:13:56,656
Just savouring the moment.
174
00:14:00,817 --> 00:14:03,490
- AI, what happened?
- Cut myself shaving.
175
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,768
Hey, Peg...
176
00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:14,136
...I was king of the streets once,
wasn't I?
177
00:14:14,377 --> 00:14:17,449
Of course you were king
of the streets once, honey.
178
00:14:17,697 --> 00:14:20,655
You and your boys. You remember.
179
00:14:20,897 --> 00:14:22,330
Crazy Andy Goozick.
180
00:14:22,577 --> 00:14:24,454
Pete "The Beat" Rombalo.
181
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,211
Tony "The Tongue" McCullough.
182
00:14:27,457 --> 00:14:28,776
Wait a second, Peg.
183
00:14:29,017 --> 00:14:32,089
I never knew anyone named
Tony the Tongue.
184
00:14:37,337 --> 00:14:41,455
Well, I guess he must have been
one of my boys.
185
00:14:45,857 --> 00:14:47,893
Yeah, my boys.
186
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,128
That's what I need. My boys.
187
00:14:50,377 --> 00:14:52,254
Oh, no, you don't, Al.
188
00:14:52,497 --> 00:14:56,331
- You can do this all by yourself.
- Do what, Peg?
189
00:15:08,697 --> 00:15:10,892
Yo, Ray Ray.
190
00:15:26,297 --> 00:15:28,208
Okay, punk.
191
00:15:28,657 --> 00:15:31,012
- You okay, Skippy?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
192
00:15:31,257 --> 00:15:32,975
Good.
193
00:15:36,497 --> 00:15:39,091
What, do you got doughnuts
in that thing?
194
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:42,695
We walked from the car, okay?
195
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:45,090
As I was saying...
196
00:15:45,297 --> 00:15:47,174
...now that the odds
are a little fairer...
197
00:15:47,417 --> 00:15:49,647
...let's re-examine your options.
198
00:15:59,657 --> 00:16:02,012
What, are we supposed to be scared?
199
00:16:02,737 --> 00:16:06,491
Well, let me tell you something
about the king and his court.
200
00:16:15,097 --> 00:16:18,294
Well, this certainly sucks.
201
00:16:23,457 --> 00:16:25,095
But it's no time to panic.
202
00:16:25,337 --> 00:16:29,216
If you're still the king
just say what a king would say.
203
00:16:29,457 --> 00:16:32,415
Can't we all just get along?
204
00:16:47,177 --> 00:16:49,645
Oh, please let her be asleep.
205
00:16:51,697 --> 00:16:54,814
Oh, please. Oh, please. Oh, please.
206
00:17:01,777 --> 00:17:03,529
Thank you.
207
00:17:05,497 --> 00:17:08,136
Al.
208
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,051
Peg...
209
00:17:10,257 --> 00:17:13,772
...can't we all just get along?
210
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,365
Well, well, well.
211
00:17:37,937 --> 00:17:39,973
Kud. Belly.
212
00:17:41,097 --> 00:17:43,247
What are you four doing here?
213
00:17:44,737 --> 00:17:47,570
Daddy, we know what you've
been doing. It's all over town.
214
00:17:47,937 --> 00:17:50,735
That I've been having sex
with my wife? No, I'm ruined.
215
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:53,846
Not that, eggplant.
216
00:17:54,297 --> 00:17:57,130
We're talking about fighting
in the street with Ray Ray's boys.
217
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,937
Daddy, this is Chicago. 1990's.
218
00:18:00,177 --> 00:18:03,374
This is not some gunfight
at the "Okey" Corral.
219
00:18:04,737 --> 00:18:06,329
O.K.
220
00:18:06,697 --> 00:18:09,211
Yeah, I'm all right,
I'm just a little pissed.
221
00:18:12,177 --> 00:18:14,771
Now, kids,
I appreciate your concern...
222
00:18:15,017 --> 00:18:17,929
...but I have given my word
to a very dear old friend.
223
00:18:18,177 --> 00:18:22,090
And as soon as I can remember
her name and where she lives...
224
00:18:22,337 --> 00:18:24,373
...l'm going back there.
225
00:18:25,257 --> 00:18:27,088
Have I gone yet?
226
00:18:28,537 --> 00:18:32,325
- No, Dad.
- Well, then give me a push.
227
00:18:38,097 --> 00:18:40,691
Now help me up.
228
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:45,449
Yo, Ray.
229
00:18:48,337 --> 00:18:50,009
What is it with you, Bundy?
230
00:18:50,257 --> 00:18:53,249
You still not getting enough curb
in your diet?
231
00:18:53,577 --> 00:18:57,490
I mean, we knock you around,
you come back.
232
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,807
Why? Why do you do it?
233
00:19:01,097 --> 00:19:03,565
For the same reason
men climb mountains...
234
00:19:03,817 --> 00:19:06,490
...or sail across the sea alone.
235
00:19:06,737 --> 00:19:11,128
For the only reason that a rational man
would do an irrational thing like this.
236
00:19:11,377 --> 00:19:12,571
Pride.
237
00:19:12,817 --> 00:19:14,773
No. Women.
238
00:19:16,177 --> 00:19:18,896
I'm a moron, Ray Ray.
239
00:19:19,937 --> 00:19:23,532
We're all morons.
That's what comes from being a man.
240
00:19:23,777 --> 00:19:26,655
From the first little worm
they dare us to eat...
241
00:19:26,897 --> 00:19:30,890
...to the last big shovelful of snow
they convince us we can move.
242
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,729
We're nothing more to women...
243
00:19:32,937 --> 00:19:35,690
...than an amusement park ride
with life insurance.
244
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,372
Why else would we do
the idiotic things that we do?
245
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,016
For example:
246
00:19:45,537 --> 00:19:47,767
- You ski?
- No.
247
00:19:48,297 --> 00:19:51,653
Well, you will someday if a girl
wants you to. We all will.
248
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,768
We'd hurdle down
that mountain so fast...
249
00:19:53,977 --> 00:19:56,252
...that the crack of our bodies
hitting the tree...
250
00:19:56,457 --> 00:20:00,245
...wouldn't even resonate before
we'd pounce up and say, "I'm okay."
251
00:20:00,537 --> 00:20:02,289
They know we're not okay.
252
00:20:02,537 --> 00:20:04,528
Even if they missed
that pair of squirrels...
253
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,967
...running away
with our hacky sacks...
254
00:20:07,217 --> 00:20:11,130
...one glance at the colour of the snow
would hint there might be some trauma.
255
00:20:12,537 --> 00:20:16,291
We've all been to a weight room when
a girl walks by and said to ourselves:
256
00:20:16,497 --> 00:20:21,127
"Gee, I think I'll start today's warm-up
bench press with oh, nine tons."
257
00:20:21,777 --> 00:20:23,369
So you see, Ray Ray...
258
00:20:23,617 --> 00:20:25,335
...as long as there's women...
259
00:20:25,577 --> 00:20:28,887
...there'll be men around
doing stupid things to impress them.
260
00:20:29,137 --> 00:20:30,729
That's why I'm here.
261
00:20:30,977 --> 00:20:32,729
That's why you're here.
262
00:20:32,977 --> 00:20:34,615
That's why they're here.
263
00:20:34,857 --> 00:20:38,486
Now, someday you may evolve
beyond this...
264
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,614
...but it's too late for me.
265
00:20:41,297 --> 00:20:46,212
I'm too old, too married
and lost far too many hacky sacks.
266
00:20:50,577 --> 00:20:52,135
So...
267
00:20:52,577 --> 00:20:55,649
...it's either I split
so you look cool in front of your girl.
268
00:20:55,897 --> 00:21:00,448
Or you look cool in front of yours
and kill me.
269
00:21:10,577 --> 00:21:12,488
Let's rock.
270
00:21:36,177 --> 00:21:38,008
I owe you a lot of thanks.
271
00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:41,090
If you were telling the truth
about the reason you did this...
272
00:21:41,337 --> 00:21:44,534
...I guess I owe you an apology too.
273
00:21:44,777 --> 00:21:47,052
What for? For being a woman?
274
00:21:48,017 --> 00:21:49,245
Accepted.
275
00:21:49,497 --> 00:21:51,453
Hey, Mary Ellen,
let me ask you something.
276
00:21:51,697 --> 00:21:53,369
If I wasn't married...
277
00:21:53,617 --> 00:21:55,972
...and I did what I did for you...
278
00:21:56,217 --> 00:21:58,333
...would I get to nail you?
279
00:22:02,297 --> 00:22:03,776
No.
280
00:22:05,497 --> 00:22:06,725
Then it was all worth it.1
00:01:27,818 --> 00:01:31,811
I am fed out to here
with stupid people.
2
00:01:32,618 --> 00:01:36,133
A customer comes into the diner and
he asked for the Norwegian salmon.
3
00:01:36,338 --> 00:01:37,896
Then he wants to know
if it's fresh.
4
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,532
I said, " Hey, chucklehead,
this is Chicago.
5
00:01:40,738 --> 00:01:43,491
This is not Norwegia, okay?
6
00:01:44,298 --> 00:01:47,813
Nothing is fresh."
Well, I shouldn't say nothing.
7
00:01:54,978 --> 00:01:59,256
- Speaking of nothing, where's Bud?
- Well, it's fall.
8
00:01:59,458 --> 00:02:01,449
So you know another school year
is beginning.
9
00:02:01,738 --> 00:02:04,696
Which means your brother is upstairs
trying on another persona...
10
00:02:04,898 --> 00:02:06,650
...in hopes of attracting a girl.
11
00:02:07,338 --> 00:02:09,215
He has as much chance
of finding a date...
12
00:02:09,418 --> 00:02:12,615
...as the cast of Roc does
getting served at Denny's.
13
00:02:14,658 --> 00:02:16,933
I can't wait to see what kind
of Prince Charming...
14
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,971
...the little frog is gonna try
to mutate into this year.
15
00:02:36,818 --> 00:02:40,174
Let me guess: Billy Ray Bundy.
16
00:02:41,218 --> 00:02:43,368
Damn straight, missy.
17
00:02:43,938 --> 00:02:46,213
Country is in.
18
00:02:46,938 --> 00:02:49,293
Well, then what country are you?
19
00:02:50,058 --> 00:02:53,130
I'm going to ignore that,
human peepshow.
20
00:02:53,978 --> 00:02:55,934
Because this will work.
21
00:02:56,138 --> 00:02:58,698
Now, I've chewed my weight
in Red Man.
22
00:02:58,898 --> 00:03:00,490
I've learned my country sayings...
23
00:03:00,698 --> 00:03:04,452
...like "ornery"
and "I thought you was 18."
24
00:03:05,338 --> 00:03:09,297
So as I live and barely breathe
in these jeans...
25
00:03:09,498 --> 00:03:12,331
...l'll be riding
the country charts tonight.
26
00:03:19,858 --> 00:03:21,735
Well, I admit,
it's better than last year.
27
00:03:21,938 --> 00:03:24,008
Remember, he bought that wig,
gained 30 pounds...
28
00:03:24,218 --> 00:03:26,937
...and called himself
Joey Bud-afuoco?
29
00:03:37,578 --> 00:03:39,011
Peg, I must be hallucinating.
30
00:03:39,218 --> 00:03:43,131
I could have swore
that Yosemite Sam just passed me.
31
00:03:43,978 --> 00:03:47,766
- That was Bud.
- Then it must be fall.
32
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,367
Well, as you know,
I've had a wee peck of trouble...
33
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:52,614
...finding a alternator for my Dodge.
34
00:03:52,818 --> 00:03:56,697
Yes, and a deodorant
that your body won't reject.
35
00:03:57,298 --> 00:04:00,927
And a wife that my body won't reject.
36
00:04:01,138 --> 00:04:04,210
Anyway, after painstaking research
to find this part...
37
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:07,057
...a bum told me to call
Irv's World of Junk...
38
00:04:07,258 --> 00:04:08,896
...in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
39
00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:12,249
So you know what this means?
Means I'm gonna get my part.
40
00:04:12,458 --> 00:04:16,736
All I gotta do is call 800-head-on.
41
00:04:20,818 --> 00:04:24,777
- Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.
- Hey, Irv, it's Al Bundy here. I'd...
42
00:04:24,978 --> 00:04:27,970
If you'd lik e these instructions
in Spanish...
43
00:04:28,178 --> 00:04:31,295
...press 1. For French, press 2.
44
00:04:31,498 --> 00:04:33,568
Don't you love these things?
45
00:04:33,818 --> 00:04:36,776
For Cajun, press 4.
46
00:04:37,258 --> 00:04:40,136
And for English, press 5.
47
00:04:41,938 --> 00:04:45,817
You have pressed 5.
You speak English.
48
00:04:47,258 --> 00:04:50,614
If your car is Swedish, press 1.
49
00:04:51,778 --> 00:04:54,975
If your car is Japanese, press 2.
50
00:04:55,218 --> 00:04:58,767
If your car is Japanese,
but made in America...
51
00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:05,013
...in a patronizing attempt to pretend
we have a viable automobile industry...
52
00:05:05,258 --> 00:05:07,135
...press 3.
53
00:05:14,978 --> 00:05:18,129
What are the odds of running into
a Native-American-pride parade...
54
00:05:18,338 --> 00:05:21,011
...marching half a block
from our house?
55
00:05:21,578 --> 00:05:23,455
Bud, you're going about this
all wrong.
56
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,417
Now, you keep trying to change
the clothes that you wear...
57
00:05:26,658 --> 00:05:28,728
...but what you really need
is a new head...
58
00:05:28,938 --> 00:05:32,135
...and while you're at it,
a new body to put it on.
59
00:05:32,338 --> 00:05:35,853
No. Thanks for caring,
but this is it for me.
60
00:05:36,058 --> 00:05:39,687
I will neither seek nor accept a date
from any woman for the rest of my life.
61
00:05:39,898 --> 00:05:42,935
Instead, I shall live out the rest
of my days in the basement...
62
00:05:43,138 --> 00:05:45,527
...as the gnome
you've always said that I was.
63
00:05:46,498 --> 00:05:48,170
Goodbye forever.
64
00:05:54,058 --> 00:05:56,174
Gee, I feel kind of bad.
65
00:05:56,378 --> 00:05:58,528
Well, honey,
you were pretty hard on him.
66
00:05:58,738 --> 00:06:00,057
No, I'm fine with that...
67
00:06:00,258 --> 00:06:03,455
...but I think I should have told him
there's no third step.
68
00:06:06,978 --> 00:06:08,570
Oh, well, one less plate for lunch.
69
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:15,697
- AI, Bud is really upset.
- Bud's upset? Listen to this.
70
00:06:15,898 --> 00:06:19,811
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
71
00:06:21,378 --> 00:06:24,256
If your car is a Studebak er, press 62.
72
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:27,575
Honey, he said that he is never
dating again...
73
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,814
...and wants to live in the basement
forever.
74
00:06:30,498 --> 00:06:33,296
Sounds like a good plan.
Wished I'd thought of it.
75
00:06:33,538 --> 00:06:37,247
If your car is a Hudson Hornet,
press 67.
76
00:06:38,618 --> 00:06:42,657
Well, I guess it's time
to hang this outfit with the others.
77
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,928
Buderace.
78
00:07:08,418 --> 00:07:10,978
Thanks a lot for puberty!
79
00:07:11,978 --> 00:07:14,287
I'm staying down here forever!
80
00:07:14,498 --> 00:07:17,012
You hear that, family?
81
00:07:17,218 --> 00:07:19,686
No, don't all come down
at once now.
82
00:07:27,338 --> 00:07:30,728
If you build it, he will come.
83
00:07:33,498 --> 00:07:35,295
That you, Kel?
84
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:38,410
Mom? Dad?
85
00:07:38,618 --> 00:07:40,449
Buck?
86
00:07:40,658 --> 00:07:42,410
Oh, God.
87
00:07:42,618 --> 00:07:45,769
Is this how that rainbow-wig guy
got started?
88
00:07:49,898 --> 00:07:53,288
If you build it, he will come.
89
00:07:54,898 --> 00:07:58,857
If your car has zero
to 10, 000 miles...
90
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:04,406
...press 1.
91
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:07,610
Ten to 20, 000 miles, press 2.
92
00:08:10,938 --> 00:08:14,692
- Bud?
- Yeah, Ma?
93
00:08:14,898 --> 00:08:18,049
- What are you doing?
- Building.
94
00:08:18,258 --> 00:08:21,375
- What are you building?
- I don't know.
95
00:08:25,058 --> 00:08:28,368
- So why are you doing it?
- So he'll come.
96
00:08:34,578 --> 00:08:38,127
- So who'll come, dear?
- Him.
97
00:08:41,698 --> 00:08:45,327
I think we should call Janet Reno.
She'll know what to do.
98
00:08:47,498 --> 00:08:49,454
It's gonna be so wonderful, Mom.
99
00:08:49,658 --> 00:08:53,492
Once he gets here, everything's
gonna be much, much better.
100
00:08:57,378 --> 00:09:00,927
Well, honey, if you need anything,
you just let me know, okay?
101
00:09:04,098 --> 00:09:07,408
Move, Kel. Back up the stairs.
Back up the stairs.
102
00:09:09,778 --> 00:09:14,135
If your Dodge has between 100, 000
and 200, 000 miles...
103
00:09:14,338 --> 00:09:16,169
...press 11.
104
00:09:16,378 --> 00:09:18,687
Two hundred to 300, 000...
105
00:09:18,898 --> 00:09:20,775
...press 12.
106
00:09:24,378 --> 00:09:25,652
This is all my fault.
107
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:29,937
I knew when he was a baby, I should
have gotten him a proper sitter.
108
00:09:30,458 --> 00:09:34,053
But, you know, Buck was right there
and the price was right.
109
00:09:36,258 --> 00:09:39,295
Yeah, well, I'm at fault too.
When you said push him to the park...
110
00:09:39,498 --> 00:09:41,728
...I probably should have put him
in the stroller.
111
00:09:43,098 --> 00:09:46,613
And, you know, I shouldn't have given
him PEZ and said they were vitamins.
112
00:09:47,458 --> 00:09:49,255
Well, I bet girls would have
dated him...
113
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:52,575
...if I hadn't told everybody in school
that he only had one buttock.
114
00:09:53,938 --> 00:09:56,691
Well, look, don't worry, honey.
One thing is perfectly clear.
115
00:09:56,898 --> 00:09:58,968
Bud's problems
are all your father's fault.
116
00:10:01,258 --> 00:10:03,089
Al, you gotta do something
about the boy.
117
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,095
Wait a second, Peg,
I've gone this far.
118
00:10:05,298 --> 00:10:08,574
In just a few more minutes
I'm gonna have my alternator now.
119
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,413
If your Dodge is still on the road,
press 1.
120
00:10:13,818 --> 00:10:17,447
If your Dodge is on blocks, press 2.
121
00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:20,698
If your Dodge is on fire...
122
00:10:21,658 --> 00:10:23,171
...press 3.
123
00:10:29,898 --> 00:10:34,130
Bud, it's 1:00.
Do you wanna come to bed?
124
00:10:34,338 --> 00:10:37,489
Thanks, Mom.
I'm on a tight schedule here.
125
00:10:38,378 --> 00:10:40,096
I see.
126
00:10:40,658 --> 00:10:43,172
Well, honey, your father and I
just want you to know...
127
00:10:43,378 --> 00:10:47,496
...that we love you and we'll always
be there to protect you from harm.
128
00:10:47,698 --> 00:10:49,256
Thanks, Mom.
129
00:11:10,658 --> 00:11:12,330
Well...
130
00:11:12,538 --> 00:11:13,766
...I finally finished.
131
00:11:23,778 --> 00:11:25,370
It's done.
132
00:11:26,578 --> 00:11:28,409
What is it?
133
00:11:34,938 --> 00:11:36,337
It's me.
134
00:11:37,498 --> 00:11:40,331
No, it's not you.
135
00:11:40,938 --> 00:11:42,656
Let's chat, shall we?
136
00:11:48,658 --> 00:11:52,571
Well, what do you mean you're not me?
I mean, you look just like me.
137
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:57,215
Hey, don't insult me, all right?
I'm not you.
138
00:11:57,458 --> 00:12:00,097
Well, actually, I'm part of you.
139
00:12:00,298 --> 00:12:02,892
I'm the part of you that's cool.
140
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,214
Well, you're the rest.
141
00:12:05,938 --> 00:12:11,058
- Well, why are you here?
- Because I can't stand it anymore.
142
00:12:11,258 --> 00:12:14,694
I mean, every year you trot me off
to the ladies, full of hopes...
143
00:12:14,898 --> 00:12:17,696
...and every year we come back
with your tail between my legs.
144
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:21,452
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life...
145
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,330
...down here in this basement.
146
00:12:24,218 --> 00:12:26,254
So I'm here to teach you to be cool.
147
00:12:27,258 --> 00:12:29,374
Mommy!
148
00:12:30,098 --> 00:12:32,771
Oh, this is gonna be easy.
149
00:12:33,538 --> 00:12:37,850
If you are having trouble with our
automated-telephone system...
150
00:12:43,498 --> 00:12:46,774
...and would lik e a live operator
to assist you...
151
00:12:46,978 --> 00:12:48,855
...press 0 now.
152
00:12:49,058 --> 00:12:52,653
If not,
this recording will begin again.
153
00:12:57,058 --> 00:13:00,368
Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.
154
00:13:03,338 --> 00:13:06,853
Peggy, it's 2:00 in the morning.
155
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:16,646
I know, but this is an emergency.
I really don't know what to do.
156
00:13:16,898 --> 00:13:20,493
- I think Bud has lost his mind.
- Well, Peggy, don't worry.
157
00:13:20,698 --> 00:13:23,496
I'm sure all Bud needs
is a man to talk to.
158
00:13:25,098 --> 00:13:27,771
Where can we find one?
159
00:13:27,978 --> 00:13:31,175
Where can we find one?
Al, have you seen a man?
160
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:34,415
No, but I've seen a woman
who can make one sterile.
161
00:13:38,338 --> 00:13:40,806
Look, Peggy,
maybe you're overreacting.
162
00:13:41,018 --> 00:13:44,169
You know, he's right. Maybe Bud's
just going through a normal phase.
163
00:13:44,418 --> 00:13:46,090
Don't talk to me that way,
Bud Bundy.
164
00:13:46,338 --> 00:13:48,533
Who you calling Bud Bundy?
165
00:13:49,458 --> 00:13:53,167
Maybe you should just seal him up now
and cut your losses.
166
00:13:53,378 --> 00:13:55,096
Jefferson,
go down and talk to the boy.
167
00:13:55,298 --> 00:13:57,937
Why me? Why can't Al do it?
168
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:01,892
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
169
00:14:03,618 --> 00:14:06,610
If your car is a Studebak er, press 62.
170
00:14:10,178 --> 00:14:11,930
Well, how about Kelly?
171
00:14:12,138 --> 00:14:14,015
She's working the late shift
at the diner.
172
00:14:14,218 --> 00:14:16,573
- It's up to you, Jefferson.
- But, Marcie, he's nuts.
173
00:14:16,778 --> 00:14:18,416
And he could be dangerous.
174
00:14:18,618 --> 00:14:22,452
You go down there. You're the one with
the million-dollar life insurance policy.
175
00:14:24,818 --> 00:14:27,207
What million-dollar
life insurance policy?
176
00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:32,490
We'll talk later.
I gotta go help out the boy.
177
00:14:39,978 --> 00:14:41,650
Hi there, Bud.
178
00:14:42,978 --> 00:14:44,331
Hey, your mo...
179
00:14:44,538 --> 00:14:48,770
Your mother says there's a little
something that's bothering you.
180
00:14:48,978 --> 00:14:51,697
How about talking to old Jefferson
about it?
181
00:14:52,818 --> 00:14:54,854
He thinks I'm not cool.
182
00:15:00,778 --> 00:15:03,497
Well, we can't have that.
183
00:15:03,698 --> 00:15:06,337
Now, see here, Mr. Horsy.
184
00:15:07,498 --> 00:15:08,851
Bud Bundy is a friend of mine.
185
00:15:09,058 --> 00:15:12,289
You be nice to him
or there'll be no oats for you.
186
00:15:12,818 --> 00:15:16,527
"Please give me oats, Mr. D'Arcy.
187
00:15:17,258 --> 00:15:22,378
I won't be mean to Bud anymore."
188
00:15:25,178 --> 00:15:26,850
There, Bud.
189
00:15:27,058 --> 00:15:28,935
I've taken care of it.
190
00:15:29,658 --> 00:15:31,853
You know what I used to do
when I was your age...
191
00:15:32,058 --> 00:15:34,208
...and I was feeling down
and out like this?
192
00:15:35,058 --> 00:15:37,094
I'd get me a woman.
193
00:15:38,258 --> 00:15:41,375
And we'd do it like animals
in the car.
194
00:15:42,498 --> 00:15:44,614
It always made me feel better.
195
00:15:45,938 --> 00:15:47,894
You should try it, Bud.
196
00:15:50,458 --> 00:15:53,131
Here. It's on me.
197
00:16:00,218 --> 00:16:03,688
Just make sure it stays on you.
198
00:16:12,298 --> 00:16:14,016
- What a moron.
- What a moron.
199
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:17,970
Okay, back to cool school.
200
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,773
What you need to change
isn't your looks, it's your approach.
201
00:16:22,778 --> 00:16:24,370
Now, you listen, me.
202
00:16:24,578 --> 00:16:26,967
Now, sure I've made a few mistakes
with the babes...
203
00:16:27,178 --> 00:16:29,055
...but I've also had my share
of successes.
204
00:16:29,258 --> 00:16:33,934
Well, then, let's just look at some
of these successes, shall we?
205
00:16:34,138 --> 00:16:36,208
Roll the tape.
206
00:16:44,578 --> 00:16:46,375
Need some help?
207
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,010
One good turn deserves another.
208
00:16:53,058 --> 00:16:55,572
I saw this movie where
this mannequin came to life...
209
00:16:55,778 --> 00:16:58,850
...so if you can talk, please do.
210
00:17:00,218 --> 00:17:02,095
Bud.
211
00:17:04,658 --> 00:17:06,137
Oh, my God.
212
00:17:06,338 --> 00:17:08,374
You know my name.
213
00:17:09,258 --> 00:17:11,488
Do you also know what I lik e?
214
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:15,092
Reginald Bundy, critic for The Times.
215
00:17:15,298 --> 00:17:18,131
You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.
216
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:21,136
This time I wanna watch a film
exactly as the people do.
217
00:17:21,338 --> 00:17:23,932
So, if you don't mind...
218
00:17:28,778 --> 00:17:34,171
Well, guys, I guess you're on your own.
Monique wants to go upstairs.
219
00:17:34,378 --> 00:17:36,050
Later, gators.
220
00:17:40,338 --> 00:17:43,375
Why can't guys be lik e Bud?
221
00:17:43,578 --> 00:17:45,694
Let's face it.
222
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,014
We're with boys.
223
00:17:48,218 --> 00:17:51,927
Bud is a man. He knows
how to treat a lady.
224
00:18:14,938 --> 00:18:17,247
So, what's your point?
225
00:18:18,618 --> 00:18:22,054
My point is,
you have no respect for women.
226
00:18:22,258 --> 00:18:25,216
I mean, you treat them as objects
rather than real people.
227
00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:28,451
Look, I don't like it either, all right.
228
00:18:28,658 --> 00:18:32,014
But sometimes, to get the babes
to put out, you gotta pretend.
229
00:18:32,218 --> 00:18:33,697
Now...
230
00:18:33,898 --> 00:18:36,696
...l'm gonna give you
one last chance.
231
00:18:47,978 --> 00:18:50,048
Easy there, froggy.
232
00:18:50,258 --> 00:18:53,170
Go slow.
Show her what you've learned.
233
00:18:53,378 --> 00:18:56,495
And above all, respect her.
234
00:19:07,578 --> 00:19:10,297
Smooth move, Gilligan.
235
00:19:12,138 --> 00:19:15,050
I can't stand your bumbling
any longer.
236
00:19:15,258 --> 00:19:18,056
Look, let's face it...
237
00:19:18,618 --> 00:19:21,576
...your body isn't big enough
for the both of us.
238
00:19:22,618 --> 00:19:23,846
Your responses indicate...
239
00:19:24,058 --> 00:19:29,371
...that you own a burnt sienna,
mid-century Dodge with 800, 000 miles.
240
00:19:29,578 --> 00:19:33,332
To verify this information, press 1.
241
00:19:34,738 --> 00:19:37,013
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
242
00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:47,973
A live operator will be with you
in a moment.
243
00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:52,090
Peg, a real person's gonna be
on with me in a minute.
244
00:19:52,298 --> 00:19:55,847
- That's nice, dear.
- Help me! Help me!
245
00:19:56,098 --> 00:19:59,727
- He's trying to merge with me!
- I'll save you, baby.
246
00:19:59,978 --> 00:20:01,206
Al, call the police.
247
00:20:16,058 --> 00:20:19,653
- Bud? Do you need someone to talk to?
- Mom!
248
00:20:19,858 --> 00:20:22,213
Pull him off me!
He's taking over, Mom!
249
00:20:22,418 --> 00:20:23,692
Pull him off me!
250
00:20:23,898 --> 00:20:27,254
Well, I don't know, honey.
He's really, really big.
251
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,654
I better just go get your daddy
to help me.
252
00:20:30,858 --> 00:20:33,770
You hold him there. I'll be right back.
253
00:20:36,338 --> 00:20:38,056
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
254
00:20:38,258 --> 00:20:40,726
Operator? You're alive!
255
00:20:40,938 --> 00:20:44,647
Barely, but it beats selling
Time-Life Books.
256
00:20:44,858 --> 00:20:48,612
Now, if you'll give me your credit card
number, we'll send your part right out.
257
00:20:48,818 --> 00:20:51,048
Al. Al, you have to help our son.
258
00:20:51,258 --> 00:20:54,011
Not now, Peg. I got a live person
on the phone here. Oh, man!
259
00:20:54,218 --> 00:20:56,652
In a couple of hours
I'm gonna be tooling in my Dodge.
260
00:20:56,858 --> 00:20:58,769
Operator, I gotta go get my wallet.
261
00:20:58,978 --> 00:21:01,333
Out of the way, woman!
262
00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:08,217
Hi, Bud. How you doing?
263
00:21:09,138 --> 00:21:12,369
I'm cool. It's cool.
264
00:21:12,578 --> 00:21:14,489
Everything's cool...
265
00:21:16,138 --> 00:21:18,129
...now.
266
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:23,208
Bud, you know,
it's never too late to take vitamins.
267
00:21:23,418 --> 00:21:25,932
Oh, I had my PEZ this morning, Mom.
268
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:29,257
About that PEZ...
269
00:21:29,458 --> 00:21:33,246
Damn job. Damn life. Damn diner.
270
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:39,614
Daddy says never waste electricity.
271
00:21:41,538 --> 00:21:42,766
- Hi, pumpkin.
- Hi, Daddy.
272
00:21:42,978 --> 00:21:45,333
- I got a real person.
- Good, Daddy.
273
00:21:54,378 --> 00:21:56,528
If you build it...
274
00:21:56,738 --> 00:21:58,774
...he will come.
275
00:22:02,018 --> 00:22:04,691
If you want them to build it for you...
276
00:22:04,898 --> 00:22:06,650
...press 1.1
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,065
- Hi, Al. How was work?
- Horrible, Peg.
2
00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:33,268
- I fell off a ladder and I hurt my...
- Well, that's nice.
3
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:35,902
Because I want you in a good mood.
4
00:01:36,110 --> 00:01:39,500
Honey, I bought a new dress.
How do you like it?
5
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:45,227
Well, I don't know, Peg.
I'd have to see it without you in it.
6
00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:48,423
What do you need a new dress for?
7
00:01:48,670 --> 00:01:51,582
There's nobody inside the TV
looking at you.
8
00:01:53,150 --> 00:01:54,947
Well, I bought it so I'd be ready.
9
00:01:55,190 --> 00:01:58,899
See? My horoscope says:
"Buy a new dress.
10
00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:03,189
You're about to embark on a new and
unique undertaking." Isn't that great?
11
00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:06,861
Well, the undertaking
has a kind of a nice ring to it.
12
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:10,140
But Peg, I don't believe
in horoscopes.
13
00:02:10,990 --> 00:02:15,302
And yet you believe in a 19-year-old
in Playboy pouring honey on her tush...
14
00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:17,825
...is really interested
in saving the environment.
15
00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:19,549
I never said I believed her...
16
00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:22,862
...just that I supported her
and loved her very much.
17
00:02:25,390 --> 00:02:28,268
Let's just do your horoscope, Magoo.
18
00:02:28,510 --> 00:02:30,421
Now when's your birthday?
19
00:02:34,390 --> 00:02:35,903
It's two months after yours.
20
00:02:36,150 --> 00:02:38,823
The only difference
is that I have mine every year.
21
00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:42,220
Look, Al, you're a Cancer.
22
00:02:45,350 --> 00:02:47,261
Right back at you.
23
00:02:49,150 --> 00:02:51,664
Honey, you have
an amazing horoscope.
24
00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:54,748
It says... Now brace yourself.
25
00:02:54,950 --> 00:02:57,225
"Good luck's a-coming."
26
00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,423
Oh, well, that's a-different.
27
00:03:01,750 --> 00:03:03,980
I always thought horoscopes
were a lot of hooey...
28
00:03:04,190 --> 00:03:06,784
...but after hearing
"good luck's a-coming"...
29
00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:10,386
...I realize they're based
on hard scientific data.
30
00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:12,461
Tell me, does it say
anything in there...
31
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:15,582
...about "The wife is a-leaving"?
32
00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:24,347
"And the kids are a-with her"?
33
00:03:27,670 --> 00:03:29,308
Hey, Daddy.
34
00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:37,306
Daddy, I'm afraid I have
bad news for you.
35
00:03:37,870 --> 00:03:41,101
Well, pumpkin, that can't be.
36
00:03:42,070 --> 00:03:46,109
The horror with the scope here says,
"Good luck's a-coming."
37
00:03:48,390 --> 00:03:50,950
The health inspector's closing
the diner for two days.
38
00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:55,099
- Well, that's no so bad.
- Well, then they're tearing it down.
39
00:03:55,950 --> 00:03:57,588
Can you believe it? I'm unemployed.
40
00:03:57,830 --> 00:04:01,027
And it's all because
of those stupid raisin cookies.
41
00:04:01,510 --> 00:04:05,185
What, the raisin cookies
you were getting me free every day?
42
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:11,223
Yeah. You know, it turns out that only
half the raisins were actually raisins.
43
00:04:18,990 --> 00:04:21,379
Well, what was the other half?
44
00:04:22,150 --> 00:04:25,586
Oh, believe me, Daddy,
you do not wanna know.
45
00:04:26,630 --> 00:04:30,339
Oh, well, I guess I'm out of a J-O-D.
46
00:04:31,550 --> 00:04:36,180
All right. Well, now I guess you won't
have enough money to move O-U-L.
47
00:04:37,870 --> 00:04:39,223
Well, not necessarily.
48
00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:44,066
One of the guys from the extermination
company that deloused me...
49
00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:47,945
...remembered me as the Verminator
and want me to be their local mascot.
50
00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,947
Here's the part
that's important to you.
51
00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:53,426
You're going to tell me what the
other half of those raisins were?
52
00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:57,343
I can't, Daddy. The guys from
the Atomic Energy Commission...
53
00:04:57,550 --> 00:05:00,223
...said mum's the word on this one.
54
00:05:00,910 --> 00:05:03,140
Anyway...
55
00:05:03,350 --> 00:05:06,228
...the good news is,
I'll be making more than at the diner...
56
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:08,660
...and I'll be able to move
sooner than I thought.
57
00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:10,379
Well, I'd better get busy.
58
00:05:10,590 --> 00:05:13,582
I'm under court order
to burn this uniform.
59
00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:18,267
- Remember to take it off first, honey.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
60
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:24,421
All right, now won't you admit
that your horoscope is right?
61
00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:27,861
- Good luck is a-coming.
- Come on, Peg.
62
00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:30,140
Even if Kelly does leave,
Bud'll still be here.
63
00:05:30,350 --> 00:05:33,581
Having only one kid is like having
only one noose around your neck.
64
00:05:45,790 --> 00:05:48,509
Family, good news.
65
00:05:48,710 --> 00:05:50,143
I pledged a fraternity today...
66
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,705
...and if I'm accepted
I'm moving to the frat house.
67
00:05:52,910 --> 00:05:55,583
Al, did you hear that?
68
00:05:55,830 --> 00:05:59,982
I can't believe it.
I'm finally gonna be a cool frat dude.
69
00:06:00,590 --> 00:06:03,309
I'll have respect. I'll have honour.
70
00:06:03,510 --> 00:06:05,501
I'll be my own man.
71
00:06:08,070 --> 00:06:10,630
Dad, can I have some money?
72
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,863
I gotta go buy a tutu
with a trap door in it.
73
00:06:15,310 --> 00:06:18,859
They're gonna spank me on the corner
of 5th and Main for my initiation.
74
00:06:20,990 --> 00:06:22,708
Make me proud, son.
75
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,986
Bula bula, big guy.
76
00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:30,148
- Do you realize what this means?
- Yes, Peg, I do.
77
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:34,827
After Bud's arrested, all four of us will
have a record for indecent exposure.
78
00:06:35,030 --> 00:06:37,066
Honey, why is it so hard
for you to admit...
79
00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:39,062
...that you're having good luck?
80
00:06:39,990 --> 00:06:42,185
Peg, have you ever heard
of the Bundy curse?
81
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:45,790
You mean that foot odour thing?
82
00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:50,540
The other curse.
83
00:06:50,790 --> 00:06:53,020
See, the minute a Bundy
starts having good luck...
84
00:06:53,230 --> 00:06:57,109
...he immediately starts to build up
an equal amount of bad luck.
85
00:06:57,310 --> 00:06:59,904
It's simple Bundy-nomics.
86
00:07:00,910 --> 00:07:02,138
For example...
87
00:07:02,390 --> 00:07:05,382
...when I was 18 and scored
four touchdowns in one game...
88
00:07:05,630 --> 00:07:09,020
...I became the greatest football
player in the history of Polk High.
89
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,860
And what bad thing
happened after that?
90
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,942
Like I'm the one that said,
"Al, show no ambition.
91
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:23,626
We can live off of your income
of rocks and leaves."
92
00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:26,980
There is nothing wrong
with having good luck.
93
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:30,546
Yes, there is. And you know what's
worse than a Bundy having good luck?
94
00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:34,666
A Bundy wearing Speedos
while having good luck?
95
00:07:39,510 --> 00:07:41,546
Good guess, Peg. No.
96
00:07:41,790 --> 00:07:43,746
A Bundy admitting
he's having good luck...
97
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:45,946
...because that's
when the bad luck starts.
98
00:07:46,830 --> 00:07:50,379
Look, I don't care what you say.
Good luck is a-coming.
99
00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,459
- Peg, you won't believe this.
- I know, Al.
100
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,861
A fat woman came
in the shoe store today.
101
00:08:00,070 --> 00:08:02,868
No, actually, an attractive woman
came in today.
102
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:06,739
Nothing but attractive women
came in today.
103
00:08:07,110 --> 00:08:10,500
So, what you're trying to say
is that you had a good day?
104
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:13,139
No! You know I can't say that.
105
00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:16,826
It was okay, that's all.
106
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:20,820
I hit every green light.
107
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:26,149
All the songs on the oldie station
were some of my all-time favourites.
108
00:08:26,550 --> 00:08:29,383
A cop pulled me over
and told me my taillight was out.
109
00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:31,222
Gave me his.
110
00:08:36,230 --> 00:08:37,902
But I wouldn't say it was a good day.
111
00:08:38,790 --> 00:08:41,509
Well, here's some more good news
you won't wanna hear about.
112
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:44,423
It seems that Kelly is gonna
appear as the Verminator...
113
00:08:44,670 --> 00:08:46,388
...at Bud's homecoming rally.
114
00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:49,781
A few more gigs like this
and she will be able to move out soon.
115
00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:53,380
Yeah, well, how about Bud?
He didn't get in that fraternity, did he?
116
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:57,782
No. Fraternities have standards
and they have traditions, you know?
117
00:09:06,550 --> 00:09:09,018
Gamma gamma sigma pi
118
00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:11,704
Gonna, gonna get some thigh
119
00:09:15,590 --> 00:09:16,659
I'm in.
120
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:20,783
Words a male Bundy
has never uttered before.
121
00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:25,865
It's gonna be great.
122
00:09:26,070 --> 00:09:30,700
This time tomorrow I'll be into
the frat house and out of the rat house.
123
00:09:31,950 --> 00:09:34,942
- No offence.
- None taken.
124
00:09:35,670 --> 00:09:37,228
Oh, by the way, Dad.
125
00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:41,861
They made me scrub all the toilets
with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours.
126
00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:48,387
Well, at least the part about
the toothbrush was bad luck.
127
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,985
No, Peg, this is good luck.
128
00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:52,982
This is yours.
129
00:09:58,550 --> 00:10:01,018
All these good things happening,
the kids moving out.
130
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,586
I'm doomed.
131
00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:40,578
Hi, Daddy.
132
00:10:40,830 --> 00:10:42,229
Are things still going well?
133
00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:45,425
I'm afraid so, pumpkin.
134
00:10:46,190 --> 00:10:47,589
I'm sorry.
135
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:49,263
It's okay.
136
00:10:49,510 --> 00:10:51,899
I wish you would come
to the homecoming rally tonight.
137
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:55,785
Been working on a special entrance.
I'm gonna ride this Harley up a ramp...
138
00:10:55,990 --> 00:11:00,302
...jump over a bonfire pit and then
light the flames with my exhaust.
139
00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:05,580
Kelly, just exactly how did you learn
to do stunts like this?
140
00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:07,980
In your car, ditching the police.
141
00:11:10,350 --> 00:11:13,979
- How'd you learn to build a bunker?
- In bed, ditching your mom.
142
00:11:19,030 --> 00:11:21,305
Sweetheart, I really would love to go...
143
00:11:21,510 --> 00:11:24,183
...but with all this good luck
I'm afraid to leave the fort.
144
00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:28,827
Something good will happen and then
I'll be in for a fate worse than death.
145
00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:32,306
But considering I'm married to
your mother, a fate worse than life.
146
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,987
Well, I'll make you
proud of me, Daddy.
147
00:11:35,230 --> 00:11:38,540
You know what the great thing is?
Career-wise? This is just a start.
148
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:42,379
You know, like Michael Jackson
before he became Diana Ross.
149
00:11:47,390 --> 00:11:50,223
I mean, I know I'm just
a local mascot now...
150
00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:54,861
...but with a little luck I could be a
dancing fruit in somebody's underwear.
151
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:58,785
Well, better you than Bud.
152
00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:02,303
- Go away. Go away.
- Okay.
153
00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:06,426
Yeah, that'll be the Grim Reaper.
154
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,426
- Hey, Kel.
- Hi.
155
00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:19,261
- Break a leg.
- Pass a stone.
156
00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:23,948
Oh, Al. Remodelling?
157
00:12:24,150 --> 00:12:26,789
If you throw in a couple
of ears of corn and some mud...
158
00:12:26,990 --> 00:12:30,062
...you'd have a mighty fine sty.
159
00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:32,064
Jefferson, don't look now...
160
00:12:32,270 --> 00:12:35,740
...but something followed you home
from El Pollo Loco.
161
00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:42,904
I heard you've been having
a run of good luck lately.
162
00:12:43,150 --> 00:12:46,506
Too bad it hasn't extended
to the hair fairy.
163
00:12:47,950 --> 00:12:49,861
- Where's Peggy?
- Bud's leaving tonight...
164
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:54,222
...so she's upstairs converting his
room into a tabloid reading lounge.
165
00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:58,226
I'm gonna take this camera to her.
She wants pictures of Kelly tonight.
166
00:12:58,430 --> 00:13:00,227
What happened to my camera?
167
00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:04,019
What you refer to as "your" camera
was actually our camera.
168
00:13:04,270 --> 00:13:06,784
Much as what you refer to as your
garbage can...
169
00:13:07,030 --> 00:13:09,624
...is actually our backyard.
170
00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:13,465
Plucky little gal, isn't she?
171
00:13:14,230 --> 00:13:16,539
Yeah, but she makes money.
172
00:13:23,430 --> 00:13:26,979
Anyway, I've been a little worried about
this lucky streak you've been having.
173
00:13:27,190 --> 00:13:30,148
It might wear off before I've had
a chance to take advantage.
174
00:13:30,790 --> 00:13:33,862
- Hells bells, we can't have that.
- Agreed.
175
00:13:34,070 --> 00:13:37,665
So naturally, I just happen to know
a few well-heeled rubes...
176
00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:39,781
...always in the mood
for a poker game.
177
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:42,629
Oh, that's a good idea.
I'd better check my cash reserve.
178
00:13:42,870 --> 00:13:46,419
Well, maybe I'd better call my broker,
E.F. Nutton.
179
00:13:52,070 --> 00:13:54,823
Not to worry, Al. You are having
such a run of good luck.
180
00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:57,459
That's why Marcie and I
will be happy to stake you.
181
00:13:57,710 --> 00:14:01,180
All you have to do is not tell Marcie.
182
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:03,501
And you and I will split the winnings.
183
00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:06,947
- But Jefferson, I'm cursed.
- Fine. We won't tell Peggy either.
184
00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:10,102
No. But it's...
It's all this good luck I'm having.
185
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,944
See, if I won a big poker game
I'd be dead.
186
00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:15,988
I'm sorry, but I gotta
look out for number one here.
187
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,822
No amount of money is worth my life.
188
00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:21,187
- What if we get you a big-screen TV?
- I'm in.
189
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,264
Full house, cowboys over nines.
190
00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:30,828
Can you believe this guy's luck?
He ain't lost a hand all night.
191
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,186
I say we shoot him.
192
00:14:34,670 --> 00:14:36,865
Shooting these days is so childish.
193
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,670
I am up for a good beating though.
194
00:14:40,670 --> 00:14:43,787
Jefferson, is it me or are your friends
getting a little touchy?
195
00:14:44,030 --> 00:14:46,021
Relax, Al. I know these guys.
196
00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:49,666
- They talk big but never hurt anyone.
- Good.
197
00:14:49,870 --> 00:14:52,020
- Where'd you meet them?
- Prison.
198
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:55,627
- Hi, Peggy.
- Incoming.
199
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:57,189
I'm ready to go.
200
00:14:58,910 --> 00:15:02,266
Jefferson D'Arcy, are you gambling?
201
00:15:03,030 --> 00:15:05,385
No, honeybunch.
202
00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:09,589
I'm just having my environmental
sensitivity meeting.
203
00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:11,058
And as a matter of fact...
204
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:17,385
...this is our guest speaker, Dr. William
"The Weasel" Sullivan. Doc?
205
00:15:21,230 --> 00:15:25,382
Yes, ma'am.
Tonight our focus is on Oregon.
206
00:15:25,630 --> 00:15:29,384
Where the logging industry keeps
raping the old-growth forest...
207
00:15:29,630 --> 00:15:34,067
...which the endangered spotted owl
depends on for sanctuary.
208
00:15:39,110 --> 00:15:41,260
Jefferson, I'm so ashamed.
209
00:15:41,510 --> 00:15:43,307
How can I make it up to you?
210
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,626
Oh, I'll survive, Marcie.
211
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:48,589
It's the little owls I'm worried about.
212
00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:52,459
Well, I give a hoot.
Maybe this can help.
213
00:15:52,990 --> 00:15:56,539
Thanks, Marcy. I'll see that this
is put to good use.
214
00:15:57,030 --> 00:15:59,908
Oh, Peggy, come on.
These men have important work to do.
215
00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:02,903
All men do.
Too bad they aren't better at it.
216
00:16:06,150 --> 00:16:07,469
Hey, Weasel.
217
00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:10,588
I'm impressed. How'd you know
all that about the spotted owl?
218
00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:15,267
Well, we bury a lot of our guys
in the northwest.
219
00:16:15,990 --> 00:16:18,185
And we care.
220
00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:29,109
Well, I'm tapped.
221
00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,306
Come on, guys. Let's hit the road.
222
00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:33,825
I say we hit Bundy and then the road.
223
00:16:34,070 --> 00:16:36,459
Hey, hey, what are we,
a bunch of wimps?
224
00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:41,226
No. A bunch of pissed off ex-cons
who don't like people calling us wimps.
225
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:43,938
Okay, I'll tell you what.
226
00:16:44,190 --> 00:16:46,863
Least we can do is give you
a chance to even things out.
227
00:16:47,110 --> 00:16:49,624
How you gonna do that?
You got all our money.
228
00:16:50,230 --> 00:16:53,620
Yeah, but you still have
one thing left to get it back.
229
00:16:53,870 --> 00:16:55,019
Our guns?
230
00:16:55,950 --> 00:16:57,861
Okay, two things.
231
00:16:58,230 --> 00:17:01,267
I was thinking of your cars.
232
00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:07,429
Jefferson, this is something you should
know. I don't own the D-O-D-G-E.
233
00:17:08,950 --> 00:17:12,829
You don't need to.
Okay, boys, here's the deal.
234
00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:15,942
We'll play one hand.
All of Al's winnings...
235
00:17:16,190 --> 00:17:19,626
...against all of your cars.
What do you say?
236
00:17:21,070 --> 00:17:25,063
Jefferson. If I lose will you
still get me my big-screen TV?
237
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:27,426
Sure, buddy.
238
00:17:28,950 --> 00:17:30,781
The biggest.
239
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,063
All right, let the game begin.
240
00:17:33,310 --> 00:17:35,540
- I'm in.
- Me too.
241
00:17:41,550 --> 00:17:42,778
Hello Kitty?
242
00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:47,147
Well, yeah, it looks funny.
243
00:17:47,390 --> 00:17:49,904
But it feels really good in my pocket.
244
00:18:10,110 --> 00:18:11,509
Excuse me.
245
00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:22,862
I'm going to Disneyland!
246
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:37,706
Okay. Who needs cards?
247
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,861
- I'll take two.
- Two.
248
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:42,146
- Give me three.
- Three.
249
00:18:42,390 --> 00:18:43,379
- One.
- One.
250
00:18:43,630 --> 00:18:45,939
- And Al stands...
- Four.
251
00:18:47,510 --> 00:18:48,465
Excuse me?
252
00:18:49,430 --> 00:18:52,149
I had to. I was getting that
same feeling of dread I get...
253
00:18:52,350 --> 00:18:54,580
...when Peggy finishes
reading a romance novel.
254
00:18:54,790 --> 00:18:58,180
Nobody gets a hand like that. I'd have
been cursed for the rest of my life.
255
00:18:58,390 --> 00:19:01,188
All ten minutes of it.
Now give me four.
256
00:19:05,550 --> 00:19:07,984
- Two pair.
- Three tens.
257
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:12,269
I got you both beat. Flush. Bundy?
258
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:28,189
He's got four aces. I win! I win!
259
00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,825
Oh, God, I love you.
260
00:19:39,030 --> 00:19:42,067
I hope those are chips
in your pocket.
261
00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:49,747
Mostly.
262
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,903
Well, wait a second, Jefferson.
Look what happened.
263
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,220
I won and nothing bad happened.
264
00:19:57,470 --> 00:19:58,585
Nothing.
265
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:01,668
The curse is over.
For 40 years in the darkness...
266
00:20:01,870 --> 00:20:04,748
...finally I can lift my head up
into the light and proclaim...
267
00:20:04,950 --> 00:20:07,623
...to one and all
that Al Bundy is a winner!
268
00:20:10,670 --> 00:20:14,424
- Hands up. This is a raid.
- Of course.
269
00:20:15,310 --> 00:20:16,379
All right.
270
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:20,265
Who owns the Mercedes, the BMW
and the Porsche parked out front?
271
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,222
He does!
272
00:20:25,830 --> 00:20:29,186
Well, we're running a make
on the plates.
273
00:20:29,430 --> 00:20:31,660
I think they're all stolen.
274
00:20:31,910 --> 00:20:33,741
I'm sure of it.
275
00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:37,502
Officer, could you do me a favour
and turn on the TV?
276
00:20:37,710 --> 00:20:40,099
- Why?
- Just a hunch.
277
00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:44,587
Tonight our TV Ten cameras...
278
00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:48,505
...caught one of the most spectacular
accidents in Chicago history.
279
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:50,069
Here we go.
280
00:20:50,310 --> 00:20:52,824
A young girl dressed
as the Verminator...
281
00:20:53,070 --> 00:20:56,062
...was temporarily blinded
by a red-headed woman...
282
00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:59,541
...taking a flash photo of her
as she jumped over a bonfire...
283
00:20:59,790 --> 00:21:01,746
...on a motorcycle.
284
00:21:02,190 --> 00:21:04,579
Al Bundy, this is your life.
285
00:21:04,790 --> 00:21:05,859
Upon landing...
286
00:21:06,070 --> 00:21:09,028
...she crashed into a nearby
fraternity house, igniting a fire...
287
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:14,298
...which will force fraternity members
to move back home for the semester.
288
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:21,023
No one is sure at this time
which fraternity was destroyed.
289
00:21:21,270 --> 00:21:23,226
Oh, I'm sure.
290
00:21:23,830 --> 00:21:26,663
Fortunately,
the Verminator escaped injury...
291
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:28,741
...but since she had no insurance...
292
00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:33,825
...someone will be paying
for the damage for a long time.
293
00:21:34,910 --> 00:21:36,980
But not with those
winnings, eh, officer?
294
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:39,182
What winnings?
295
00:21:40,470 --> 00:21:41,983
My mistake.
296
00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:43,822
Let's go.
297
00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:47,899
Well, at least this curse is over.
I'm a free man.
298
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:49,908
Lock me up.
299
00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:53,706
And for tonight's weather.
Balmy and clear.
300
00:21:53,950 --> 00:21:56,066
A perfect Chicago night.
301
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:03,424
Except over one man's house.1
00:01:24,787 --> 00:01:28,416
Al, why you watching TV
with the sound off?
2
00:01:28,907 --> 00:01:30,260
It's the new rap channel, Peg.
3
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:33,465
I hate this when I hear it on the radio,
but now that I see it...
4
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:36,181
...I can appreciate
its profound statement.
5
00:01:39,547 --> 00:01:41,105
Well, what's that one called?
6
00:01:41,347 --> 00:01:43,497
It's called "Pump That Rump."
7
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,945
I'm really into it.
8
00:01:49,907 --> 00:01:54,537
Well, if history teaches us anything,
you'll be out of it in seven seconds.
9
00:01:56,387 --> 00:01:58,821
Oh, God, what a day.
10
00:02:03,787 --> 00:02:07,143
I made an appearance as the
Verminator at this elementary school.
11
00:02:07,387 --> 00:02:09,457
They make me walk
through this metal detector.
12
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:13,216
I've got enough poison strapped to
my back to dust an entire rain forest...
13
00:02:13,427 --> 00:02:16,419
...and they wanna know why
I'm carrying a toenail clipper.
14
00:02:16,907 --> 00:02:18,135
Then there's the pat-down.
15
00:02:18,387 --> 00:02:20,184
First by the principal...
16
00:02:20,427 --> 00:02:22,577
...then by the school nurse...
17
00:02:22,787 --> 00:02:25,984
...then again by the principal
while the school nurse watched.
18
00:02:26,827 --> 00:02:28,783
Finally, I make it into the classroom.
19
00:02:28,987 --> 00:02:31,581
After talking the substitute teacher
in from the ledge...
20
00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:35,700
...I go to the cafeteria where I taught
the kids how to kill roaches, rats...
21
00:02:35,907 --> 00:02:38,660
...and something they call
"sloppy joes."
22
00:02:38,907 --> 00:02:41,296
You know, it is a wonder
I got out of there unscathed.
23
00:02:46,987 --> 00:02:50,866
I'm telling you, that is the last time
I appear at a Catholic school.
24
00:02:56,987 --> 00:02:58,625
Peggy.
25
00:03:03,187 --> 00:03:04,905
Guess what happened
at the bank today.
26
00:03:05,147 --> 00:03:07,980
A hold-up man
gave you his mask to wear?
27
00:03:10,867 --> 00:03:13,825
Turn that disgusting thing off.
28
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:17,218
Here, watch this. Steel Magnolias.
29
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:20,459
What's Boris Karloff
doing in a dress?
30
00:03:21,507 --> 00:03:24,226
That's Shirley MacLaine,
you baco-bit.
31
00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:27,061
Well, I owe Boris an apology.
32
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,377
You owe everything an apology.
33
00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:32,664
Anyway, Peggy,
those wormless weasels at the bank...
34
00:03:32,907 --> 00:03:35,819
...want me to be the speaker
at the next shareholders' meeting.
35
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,739
Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?
36
00:03:37,987 --> 00:03:40,626
No. Not when you have to tell them
the bank's in trouble.
37
00:03:40,907 --> 00:03:42,181
How much trouble?
38
00:03:42,987 --> 00:03:45,740
We backed Last Action Hero.
39
00:03:46,987 --> 00:03:50,582
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Thanks.
40
00:03:50,827 --> 00:03:54,661
And to cut costs, we may even have
to lay off some employees.
41
00:03:54,907 --> 00:03:56,898
Marcie, as someone
who's been to your bank...
42
00:03:57,147 --> 00:03:59,707
...I certainly hope you keep
those 75 vice presidents...
43
00:03:59,947 --> 00:04:02,825
...and lay off those pesky two tellers.
44
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:07,226
You know, the ones who work
a cool half hour apiece on payday.
45
00:04:07,907 --> 00:04:11,297
You know, Al, you can avoid
the wait to cash your paycheque...
46
00:04:11,547 --> 00:04:16,257
...because the hot dog vendor outside
always has a coin dispenser.
47
00:04:21,827 --> 00:04:23,499
Marcie, why are you here?
48
00:04:24,707 --> 00:04:26,698
I wanted to talk to Peggy privately.
49
00:04:26,947 --> 00:04:29,336
No, no. Why here on Earth?
50
00:04:35,787 --> 00:04:37,300
I'll handle this, Marcie.
51
00:04:37,547 --> 00:04:39,583
You come in here to my house
and annoy me...
52
00:04:39,827 --> 00:04:43,820
...with your sad little hen...
There it is.
53
00:04:48,947 --> 00:04:51,507
There's no sound.
54
00:04:52,307 --> 00:04:55,026
No sound to us humans.
55
00:04:55,547 --> 00:04:57,458
Come on, Marcie.
56
00:04:57,707 --> 00:05:01,905
So tell me what's wrong with speaking
to the shareholders of the bank.
57
00:05:02,147 --> 00:05:04,263
Well, I'm terrified
of speaking in public.
58
00:05:04,747 --> 00:05:07,580
It all started
with a terrible childhood incident.
59
00:05:08,227 --> 00:05:10,946
This isn't your
Uncle No-Pocket story, is it?
60
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:12,895
No.
61
00:05:13,107 --> 00:05:15,701
This was in the first grade
when I had to give a talk...
62
00:05:15,947 --> 00:05:18,222
...on why I love
the Pledge of Allegiance.
63
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:21,857
Well, anyway, I was right
in the middle of my speech...
64
00:05:22,387 --> 00:05:25,663
...when I looked down and saw
the biggest, ugliest cockroach...
65
00:05:25,907 --> 00:05:30,298
...which ever spewed from the bowels
of the Earth, crawling up my little leg.
66
00:05:31,027 --> 00:05:32,824
Well, I screamed
like a lunch whistle...
67
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,297
...and ran around the room
tearing off my dress...
68
00:05:35,547 --> 00:05:39,381
...revealing my " Hey, hey, we're the
Monkees" panties to the entire room.
69
00:05:42,707 --> 00:05:44,777
Well, it may not surprise you...
70
00:05:45,027 --> 00:05:48,736
...that boys can be extremely cruel
at times like this.
71
00:05:48,987 --> 00:05:52,377
They spent the rest of the school year
following me around saying:
72
00:05:52,587 --> 00:05:54,976
"Can Davy come out and play?"
73
00:05:57,067 --> 00:06:00,582
But one night I showed them.
I showed them all.
74
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:03,580
There was a class field trip
to Mount Rushmore.
75
00:06:03,827 --> 00:06:07,137
I told them I was too sick to make it.
76
00:06:07,387 --> 00:06:10,424
The bus was barrelling down
a rain-slicked highway.
77
00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:15,104
It would have been hard to stop even
if the bus had functioning brakes...
78
00:06:16,587 --> 00:06:21,456
...but they never laughed at me
or my panties ever again.
79
00:06:28,907 --> 00:06:32,582
Well, that was a lovely story.
80
00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:35,978
I don't think you'll be needing
any more of this.
81
00:06:36,347 --> 00:06:40,022
Marcie, I know who could help you
with your public-speaking problem.
82
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,586
It's Dr. Angela.
83
00:06:41,827 --> 00:06:44,421
She is the best radio psychiatrist
in the city.
84
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:48,057
And has quite an informative
car-repair show too.
85
00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:50,867
She's helped me
with some of my problems.
86
00:06:51,107 --> 00:06:55,180
Although, obviously not all of them.
87
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,296
Yo, video channel?
88
00:07:03,827 --> 00:07:06,216
Yeah, do you take requests?
89
00:07:07,507 --> 00:07:09,418
I'd like "Rump Shaker"...
90
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:14,263
..."Gangster Booty"
and "Put More Ass on That Lass."
91
00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:20,495
My age?
92
00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:23,297
I'm 15.
93
00:07:24,147 --> 00:07:26,377
I need parental permission?
Just a minute, please.
94
00:07:26,627 --> 00:07:28,458
Tell him it's okay.
95
00:07:31,107 --> 00:07:32,620
It's okay.
96
00:07:32,867 --> 00:07:34,903
He's over 40.
97
00:07:38,427 --> 00:07:39,860
Why'd you tell him my real age?
98
00:07:40,107 --> 00:07:41,665
They already knew your real age.
99
00:07:41,907 --> 00:07:44,102
They wanted to know your IQ.
100
00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:46,900
But they will play them, right?
101
00:07:47,307 --> 00:07:49,582
Oh, wipe your chin.
102
00:07:51,107 --> 00:07:55,419
Peggy, I just got off the phone
with Dr. Angela. She was a great help.
103
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,500
Pig. Here. Watch this.
104
00:07:58,747 --> 00:08:00,977
Fried Green Tomatoes.
105
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:04,943
Well, what's Mel Torm
doing in a dress?
106
00:08:05,707 --> 00:08:08,824
That's Kathy Bates, you potted plant.
107
00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:11,627
Anyway, Peggy, Dr. Angela is a gem.
108
00:08:12,107 --> 00:08:14,462
I told her about my fear
of speaking in public...
109
00:08:14,707 --> 00:08:17,460
...so she asked is there any time
I'm not afraid of speaking.
110
00:08:17,707 --> 00:08:21,302
And I said, "Why, yes.
During sex I talk, yell, scream..."
111
00:08:21,547 --> 00:08:23,936
Hey, excuse me!
112
00:08:26,227 --> 00:08:29,697
You know, I'm planning
on having dinner later.
113
00:08:37,307 --> 00:08:39,821
Well, I plan on having sex later...
114
00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:43,423
...so I guess we'll both
be cooking for ourselves.
115
00:08:46,147 --> 00:08:48,183
Go on, Marcie. You were screaming?
116
00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:52,978
Oh, yes. So Dr. Angela suggested that
I try something called transference.
117
00:08:53,227 --> 00:08:55,616
Whenever I'm gonna have to speak
in a scary setting...
118
00:08:55,867 --> 00:08:57,823
...I just pretend
I'm in a more relaxed one.
119
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:01,184
Like my bedroom.
And presto, I can speak in public.
120
00:09:02,707 --> 00:09:05,346
Dr. Angela just told me
I should take a lover.
121
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,021
But I'm afraid we'd wake Al.
122
00:09:09,187 --> 00:09:11,860
Anyway, since you're the one
that helped me through this...
123
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:15,343
...it would mean a lot if you would
come and hear me speak Saturday.
124
00:09:15,587 --> 00:09:18,181
- Oh, I'd be delighted.
- Thanks.
125
00:09:19,427 --> 00:09:20,860
Now, see?
126
00:09:21,107 --> 00:09:23,667
I told you you'd like this movie.
127
00:09:23,907 --> 00:09:27,456
I'm glad to see
you're finally growing up.
128
00:09:28,347 --> 00:09:31,783
You know, Peg, that Kathy Bates
has a mighty fine butt.
129
00:09:32,907 --> 00:09:35,865
Why does she waste her time
making movies?
130
00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:47,702
So we still say, don't give up
on Last Action Hero just yet.
131
00:09:47,947 --> 00:09:51,860
It still hasn't been released
in Albania or Zimbabwe.
132
00:09:52,907 --> 00:09:56,377
Everything else, however,
seems to be fine.
133
00:09:56,627 --> 00:09:58,982
Wonderful. Never better.
134
00:09:59,227 --> 00:10:03,618
And now, delivering the emergency
state-of-the-bank address...
135
00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:06,904
...vice president in charge
of something or other...
136
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,098
...Miss Marcie D'Arcy.
137
00:10:16,987 --> 00:10:18,261
Good afternoon.
138
00:10:19,427 --> 00:10:22,464
My, there are a lot of you
out there today.
139
00:10:22,707 --> 00:10:24,902
The last time I saw
this many people in a bank...
140
00:10:25,147 --> 00:10:28,059
...I closed my window
and went to lunch.
141
00:10:33,627 --> 00:10:35,743
All kidding aside...
142
00:10:35,987 --> 00:10:39,184
...l'm here to report some bad news.
143
00:10:39,427 --> 00:10:42,464
Because of some
unfortunate investments...
144
00:10:42,707 --> 00:10:46,416
...the bank is being forced
to downsize.
145
00:10:57,267 --> 00:11:02,057
But the good news is
all indications suggest...
146
00:11:02,307 --> 00:11:07,984
...that the terrible economy is going
to get bedroom... Butter. Better.
147
00:11:11,387 --> 00:11:13,264
As you can see...
148
00:11:13,587 --> 00:11:17,626
...when the Federal Reserve Board
eases restrictions...
149
00:11:17,867 --> 00:11:24,181
...interest rates fall,
but when it tightens...
150
00:11:26,867 --> 00:11:30,780
...interest rates rise.
151
00:11:33,707 --> 00:11:35,743
Oh, my God.
152
00:11:42,987 --> 00:11:45,103
Al, something's wrong.
153
00:11:45,347 --> 00:11:47,019
I've never seen Marcie act like this.
154
00:11:47,227 --> 00:11:50,025
You wanna see acting, Peg,
check this out.
155
00:11:51,707 --> 00:11:54,426
For years, the Fed held back...
156
00:11:54,667 --> 00:12:00,378
...and interest rates rose
and rose and rose.
157
00:12:00,627 --> 00:12:05,064
Eight percent, 10 percent,
17 percent...
158
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,662
...up and up.
159
00:12:08,507 --> 00:12:11,658
Jefferson, have you ever seen Marcie
do this before?
160
00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:13,744
Not in public.
161
00:12:18,347 --> 00:12:21,339
Unless you count
the Skyway at Disneyland.
162
00:12:21,587 --> 00:12:25,421
- You mean that she's about to have...
- Big time.
163
00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:30,302
It must be that transference thing
that Dr. Angela told her about.
164
00:12:30,547 --> 00:12:33,539
I just hope she's near
the end of her speech.
165
00:12:33,747 --> 00:12:35,977
I guess not.
166
00:12:37,867 --> 00:12:42,224
Then when the rates rose as high
as they possibly could...
167
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:45,265
...and the economy
could take no more...
168
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:49,136
...suddenly the Fed began
pumping in money faster and faster.
169
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,587
- Here we go.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
170
00:12:59,827 --> 00:13:04,821
Oh, Jefferson! Oh, Steve!
Oh, Jamal.
171
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:27,541
I hope this news was as good for you
as it was for me. Good day.
172
00:13:36,627 --> 00:13:40,336
So that's what one looks like.
173
00:13:47,747 --> 00:13:50,705
Oh, Marcie, relax.
174
00:13:53,907 --> 00:13:56,216
It happened.
175
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,581
It could have happened to anyone.
176
00:13:59,827 --> 00:14:02,944
Well, it couldn't have happened
to me.
177
00:14:04,307 --> 00:14:09,381
Well, it could, but we can't afford
the pony rides anymore.
178
00:14:11,347 --> 00:14:14,180
Don't you understand my pain?
179
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,779
I'm a businesswoman.
180
00:14:17,027 --> 00:14:21,225
We're not allowed to go flopping
around on the floor like a mudskipper.
181
00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:25,103
At the very least,
it's considered unprofessional.
182
00:14:25,347 --> 00:14:28,419
You know, this is gonna
cost me my job. I'm ruined.
183
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:32,457
- Marcie, the bank just called.
- Oh, I knew it.
184
00:14:35,227 --> 00:14:38,025
You're getting a raise.
185
00:14:38,267 --> 00:14:40,303
And they're gonna loan you out...
186
00:14:40,507 --> 00:14:44,102
...to deliver bad news
to other corporations.
187
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:53,462
At $5000 a pop.
188
00:14:54,147 --> 00:14:55,466
So to speak.
189
00:14:58,347 --> 00:14:59,860
Well, I don't know.
190
00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,904
This goes against my principles.
191
00:15:02,147 --> 00:15:03,705
What do you think, Peggy?
192
00:15:03,947 --> 00:15:07,462
Marcie, for five grand,
not only would I do it...
193
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:11,216
...but I'd do it in the corn fields
on Hee Haw.
194
00:15:47,827 --> 00:15:51,456
Al, Marcie's making
another appearance today...
195
00:15:51,707 --> 00:15:55,063
...so, what do you say
we have a candlelight dinner...
196
00:15:55,307 --> 00:15:57,502
...and take in a speech?
197
00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:02,500
It doesn't work anymore, Peg.
198
00:16:04,587 --> 00:16:06,384
What doesn't work?
199
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,586
lt.
200
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,655
Well, how can you tell?
201
00:16:11,907 --> 00:16:16,617
I've been reading Playboy, Big 'Uns,
Little 'Uns, In Between 'Uns, nothing.
202
00:16:17,507 --> 00:16:20,544
Then I remembered it hasn't worked
since the afternoon...
203
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:24,820
...I saw Marcie do that horrible thing
at the bank meeting.
204
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:30,457
Marcie killed it, Peg.
205
00:16:33,627 --> 00:16:36,585
You made it sick, but Marcie killed it.
206
00:16:44,187 --> 00:16:47,065
Well, I guess then
we can just put it behind us...
207
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,104
...and get on
with the rest of our lives.
208
00:16:49,347 --> 00:16:51,736
Well, Peg, what will you do?
209
00:16:51,987 --> 00:16:53,625
Well, I'll be okay.
210
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:59,225
I'll just keep going,
and going, and going.
211
00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:09,735
Great news, Dad.
212
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,706
- Tuition is going up at school.
- How much?
213
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,417
Hundreds. Thousands. Who cares?
214
00:17:15,707 --> 00:17:20,827
The point is, Mrs. D'Arcy
is gonna give us the news. Oh, man.
215
00:17:22,987 --> 00:17:27,026
Now, son, you're talking about this
like it's a good thing.
216
00:17:27,267 --> 00:17:28,746
Remember when you were younger...
217
00:17:28,987 --> 00:17:33,777
...and I told you never to stare directly
at the sun or Grandma and you did?
218
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:39,258
Well, this is like
staring at Grandma in the sun.
219
00:17:39,907 --> 00:17:42,899
Or your father in the shower.
220
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,019
If we're speaking hypothetically.
221
00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:47,817
Peg, I'm trying to have a talk
with my son.
222
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,535
Isn't Oprah doing a show
on women with chafed thighs...
223
00:17:50,747 --> 00:17:53,056
...who cause forest fires this week?
224
00:17:56,747 --> 00:17:59,466
No. You made that up.
225
00:18:00,627 --> 00:18:02,299
Didn't you?
226
00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:05,095
I know you did.
227
00:18:07,347 --> 00:18:09,338
Well, I'm gonna go check
the Oprah hotline.
228
00:18:11,547 --> 00:18:12,866
Son.
229
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:15,542
Now, I realize that my advice to you
in the past...
230
00:18:15,787 --> 00:18:18,699
...has been, well, a little shaky.
231
00:18:19,227 --> 00:18:22,503
You mean like " Be yourself,
people will like you"?
232
00:18:23,907 --> 00:18:25,579
Exactly. But son...
233
00:18:25,827 --> 00:18:29,058
...you do not wish to see this woman
in the throes of passion.
234
00:18:29,307 --> 00:18:30,820
Please believe me.
235
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,342
It's killed before.
236
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,781
It will kill again.
237
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:41,621
Sorry, Dad, but I got a pack of condoms
and a girl who thinks Urkle's sexy.
238
00:18:41,867 --> 00:18:43,619
I'm going.
239
00:18:46,547 --> 00:18:49,345
Bud, got a question for you.
240
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,737
I don't know what to wear
to my speech tonight.
241
00:18:51,987 --> 00:18:55,343
I need something hip, cool, collegiate.
What do you suggest?
242
00:18:55,787 --> 00:18:58,699
Well, it depends.
Now, are you gonna be backlit?
243
00:18:58,947 --> 00:19:01,905
Can no one hear my cries?
244
00:19:03,827 --> 00:19:05,624
Okay, Marcie.
245
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:08,142
I'm ready to go to the college.
246
00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:11,341
- Honey, are you okay?
- No. I'm not okay.
247
00:19:11,587 --> 00:19:14,659
Look, Marcie, I'm a man.
I have needs.
248
00:19:14,907 --> 00:19:18,377
I am tired of everyone else
having sex but me.
249
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:21,906
And Al and Peggy.
250
00:19:23,187 --> 00:19:24,666
And probably Bud.
251
00:19:28,307 --> 00:19:31,379
Listen, Jefferson, if you're going to talk
about personal matters...
252
00:19:31,627 --> 00:19:33,538
...then let's go someplace private.
253
00:19:38,747 --> 00:19:39,975
Now, what's bothering you?
254
00:19:40,227 --> 00:19:43,139
You've been having
such a good time on stage.
255
00:19:43,387 --> 00:19:45,264
You've forgotten about us.
256
00:19:45,507 --> 00:19:47,816
Oh, Sugar Tush.
257
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:50,661
I always think about you
when I'm up there.
258
00:19:50,907 --> 00:19:53,979
But it's not the same.
259
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,819
Marcie...
260
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:59,104
...I miss our rodeo nights.
261
00:20:00,747 --> 00:20:05,457
The nights when you come out in
your teddies and your batting gloves.
262
00:20:07,427 --> 00:20:11,659
I have been neglecting
my little Fluff Bunny.
263
00:20:12,227 --> 00:20:15,219
Look, Marcie,
your speeches are your career.
264
00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:18,584
You're making good money.
I shouldn't stand in your way.
265
00:20:18,827 --> 00:20:20,624
I'll just go home...
266
00:20:20,947 --> 00:20:23,939
...and dream of you totally naked...
267
00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:31,625
...swarming all over me.
268
00:20:33,187 --> 00:20:34,506
I've got a better idea.
269
00:20:34,747 --> 00:20:37,102
Before I go to the college,
how about we go home...
270
00:20:37,347 --> 00:20:40,896
...and I give you
your own private little speech.
271
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:47,142
Would you talk to me, Marcie?
272
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:48,741
Talk to me.
273
00:20:48,987 --> 00:20:52,423
- Four score and seven years ago...
- Oh, yes!
274
00:20:53,027 --> 00:20:57,259
...our fathers brought forth
on this continent a new nation.
275
00:20:57,507 --> 00:21:01,500
Emancipate me! Set me free!
276
00:21:08,387 --> 00:21:10,947
Well, my body's dead...
277
00:21:12,587 --> 00:21:16,296
...but I suppose a detached head
could live on.
278
00:21:18,907 --> 00:21:22,058
So you had Dr. Angela
reverse the procedure?
279
00:21:22,307 --> 00:21:24,616
Yes. So I can no longer
speak in public...
280
00:21:24,827 --> 00:21:27,216
...but at least
I can please my Jefferson.
281
00:21:27,947 --> 00:21:30,177
- Where is Jefferson?
- In the emergency room...
282
00:21:30,427 --> 00:21:32,941
...being treated for dehydration.
283
00:21:34,347 --> 00:21:37,498
Yeah, I had my 15 minutes of fame
and made a lot of money...
284
00:21:37,747 --> 00:21:41,501
...but I guess, all things considered,
everything turned out okay.
285
00:21:44,467 --> 00:21:47,664
Yes, welcome back
to Dr. Angela's loser line.
286
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:50,023
Go ahead, next caller.
287
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,304
Yes, Dr. Angela.
288
00:21:54,707 --> 00:21:56,698
My name is...
289
00:21:56,947 --> 00:21:59,302
...Sal Undy.
290
00:22:01,747 --> 00:22:03,942
And I'm having a little...
291
00:22:04,187 --> 00:22:07,975
...ubble-tray with my enis-pay.1
00:01:28,148 --> 00:01:30,423
Well, we finished the errands, Mom.
2
00:01:30,668 --> 00:01:34,263
It's such a treat driving Dad's Dodge.
The noise, the rust...
3
00:01:34,508 --> 00:01:38,296
...the thrill of watching the open road
through the open floorboard.
4
00:01:38,548 --> 00:01:43,064
We got everything you wanted from
the store: bourbon-flavoured bonbons...
5
00:01:43,308 --> 00:01:45,105
...romance novels...
6
00:01:45,708 --> 00:01:48,097
...Kenny G CD.
7
00:01:48,948 --> 00:01:51,985
You and Dad are gonna have
quite a time tonight, huh?
8
00:01:52,188 --> 00:01:54,224
Batteries.
9
00:01:59,148 --> 00:02:02,026
You know, it seems like there's
something we forgot to do today.
10
00:02:13,588 --> 00:02:16,898
I guess my cries this morning
of " if you use the car...
11
00:02:17,148 --> 00:02:21,027
...please, I beg you, pick me up
from work" was a little vague.
12
00:02:21,948 --> 00:02:23,301
Al, would you shut up?
13
00:02:23,548 --> 00:02:26,460
We're trying to remember
what we forgot to do.
14
00:02:26,908 --> 00:02:29,342
How did I get home, you ask?
15
00:02:29,588 --> 00:02:32,898
Not having correct change
for public transportation...
16
00:02:33,148 --> 00:02:35,298
...nor the bills to get
correct change...
17
00:02:35,548 --> 00:02:38,665
...nor the job to get the bills
to get correct change...
18
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:43,663
...I got a ride from two fine gentlemen
who drive the road-kill truck.
19
00:02:44,588 --> 00:02:46,260
How was your day, Peg?
20
00:02:46,508 --> 00:02:49,705
Anything interesting happen
on the couch?
21
00:02:49,948 --> 00:02:51,779
- Well, actually...
- I don't care.
22
00:02:55,308 --> 00:02:57,344
Give me my car key.
23
00:02:59,548 --> 00:03:02,506
Last time you get to use the Dodge!
24
00:03:05,748 --> 00:03:08,740
- How will I get to school?
- Yead, Dad. How will I get to work?
25
00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:14,426
How will I get to the store to buy the
double issue of the National Enquirer?
26
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,940
And food and groceries.
27
00:03:18,228 --> 00:03:21,186
Dad, why don't you just get us a car?
28
00:03:21,428 --> 00:03:24,977
Jeez, Louise,
why didn't I think of that?
29
00:03:25,708 --> 00:03:28,176
New cars for everybody!
30
00:03:29,628 --> 00:03:32,381
Peg, would you like a BMW?
31
00:03:33,028 --> 00:03:35,223
I kind of see myself in a Jaguar.
32
00:03:35,868 --> 00:03:39,099
If only we could find one that hungry.
33
00:03:44,388 --> 00:03:48,097
Well, I have $400 saved from work.
I'll get a car myself.
34
00:03:48,348 --> 00:03:51,306
Hey, wait a second.
I have $400 saved too.
35
00:03:51,548 --> 00:03:54,779
We can pool our money
and share a car twice as nice.
36
00:03:55,028 --> 00:03:59,306
- Yeah. Not like Dad's piece of...
- Children!
37
00:03:59,628 --> 00:04:02,062
Oh, what the hell... Wolfen.
38
00:04:03,268 --> 00:04:07,580
Let me tell you something about
sharing. It can only come to trouble.
39
00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:11,747
Your mother and I shared a bed,
and nothing good came out of it.
40
00:04:13,028 --> 00:04:16,941
Well, maybe that's because
nothing good went into it.
41
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:23,062
It doesn't matter. You've only got $800.
42
00:04:23,308 --> 00:04:25,378
And $800 can't buy you a car.
43
00:04:32,308 --> 00:04:35,459
- Jefferson, tell them what $800 can buy.
- Well...
44
00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:38,176
...it could buy you a nice car.
45
00:04:39,308 --> 00:04:41,822
You know where we can
get a car for $800?
46
00:04:42,068 --> 00:04:46,266
Car auctions. You know, where they
sell cars seized by federal agencies.
47
00:04:46,508 --> 00:04:49,227
True. They may not be
in the best of shape.
48
00:04:49,628 --> 00:04:52,222
Bullet holes, blood stains...
49
00:04:52,468 --> 00:04:55,187
...the smell of rotting bodies.
50
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:58,898
But then you don't seem to mind
riding in the Dodge.
51
00:05:00,108 --> 00:05:02,827
There are no bullet holes in my Dodge.
52
00:05:03,508 --> 00:05:07,740
But that can be changed if
you're willing to crawl into the trunk.
53
00:05:08,428 --> 00:05:13,183
- Dad, take us to the auction. Please.
- We'll share.
54
00:05:18,348 --> 00:05:19,747
How'd the auction go?
55
00:05:20,108 --> 00:05:24,067
Do not touch the car. We don't know
where your hands have been.
56
00:05:24,308 --> 00:05:27,220
Then you better not sit in it!
57
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,825
Fine.
58
00:05:35,108 --> 00:05:37,941
As you can tell, the kids purchased
a car. And as you can see...
59
00:05:38,188 --> 00:05:41,146
...all my fears about them sharing
were unfounded.
60
00:05:42,228 --> 00:05:44,264
I warned you!
61
00:05:48,668 --> 00:05:52,343
But on the good side, I got them
to knock off another $100 on the car.
62
00:05:52,588 --> 00:05:55,819
Why pay for seat belts
if you don't have brakes?
63
00:05:59,988 --> 00:06:03,139
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- Give the money to me?
64
00:06:03,388 --> 00:06:06,141
Yes. To buy groceries.
65
00:06:07,428 --> 00:06:09,419
Groceries?
66
00:06:09,908 --> 00:06:14,186
Yes, Peg. The stuff you have to
wade through to get to the TV Guide.
67
00:06:14,428 --> 00:06:18,660
And I better be able to eat everything
in that bag, Peg. Just food.
68
00:06:18,908 --> 00:06:20,580
Just beef.
69
00:06:20,828 --> 00:06:22,739
Just do it.
70
00:06:24,348 --> 00:06:27,943
That's right, Peg.
God, they look so firm.
71
00:06:29,028 --> 00:06:31,781
Hold them up for me, baby.
72
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,661
Now let's see that pretty rump.
73
00:06:40,068 --> 00:06:41,296
Beautiful!
74
00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:50,301
Al, my blisters are hurting
from carrying that food...
75
00:06:50,508 --> 00:06:52,385
...to the checkout counter.
76
00:06:52,828 --> 00:06:54,147
If you'd been there before...
77
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:57,704
...you'd know the carts
in front of the store are for that.
78
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,745
I thought that was parking
for the homeless.
79
00:07:04,428 --> 00:07:06,464
You will never guess who I met.
80
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:11,065
The guy who plays Neuter the Cat
on the Tender Innards commercials.
81
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:13,380
You mean that one that says...
82
00:07:13,628 --> 00:07:18,577
..." If this meat were any fresher,
the jockey would still be riding it"?
83
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:23,227
He's so hot. He's the 10th most
recognizable cat in media history...
84
00:07:23,468 --> 00:07:26,346
...behind Heathcliff
and the late Miles Davis.
85
00:07:26,828 --> 00:07:30,184
Look, sweetheart. Daddy's got meat!
86
00:07:31,908 --> 00:07:33,546
That's great, Daddy.
87
00:07:33,788 --> 00:07:36,143
This guy could do wonders
for my career...
88
00:07:36,388 --> 00:07:38,822
...so I asked him on a date
in my new car.
89
00:07:39,028 --> 00:07:40,586
Not so fast, Pumpkin.
90
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,183
You're gonna need to be covered.
91
00:07:43,748 --> 00:07:46,216
Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?
92
00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:51,780
I'm talking about auto insurance,
you little...
93
00:07:54,788 --> 00:07:56,267
Oh, now, Pumpkin...
94
00:07:56,508 --> 00:07:59,978
...just so you didn't think
I didn't care, I got the best.
95
00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,700
South Forty Auto Insurance,
the farmer's friend.
96
00:08:03,948 --> 00:08:09,102
- But there are things you need to know.
- You registered it as a farm vehicle?
97
00:08:10,508 --> 00:08:15,184
Don't be surprised.
He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.
98
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:18,820
The next thing I register's
gonna be a handgun.
99
00:08:20,508 --> 00:08:23,261
Sweetheart, now that you drive
a farm vehicle...
100
00:08:23,508 --> 00:08:26,625
...there are a few restrictions
you need to know about:
101
00:08:26,868 --> 00:08:30,702
One, you must not drive
on paved roads.
102
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:35,379
Two, the Amish always have
the right of way.
103
00:08:35,588 --> 00:08:38,660
Three, since you always
must be on official business...
104
00:08:38,908 --> 00:08:41,468
...you must have this in your car
at all times.
105
00:08:47,988 --> 00:08:52,539
Hence the South Forty motto,
"No chicken, no check."
106
00:08:54,628 --> 00:08:57,017
Hey, Kel, great news. I got...
107
00:08:59,028 --> 00:09:01,588
South Forty Insurance, Dad?
108
00:09:02,548 --> 00:09:03,947
It's a damn fine company.
109
00:09:04,148 --> 00:09:08,585
Farmer's best friend,
next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.
110
00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:15,940
Anyhow, I got a date with a foreign
exchange student who's so easy...
111
00:09:16,148 --> 00:09:19,584
...she makes you look like
a calculus problem.
112
00:09:23,588 --> 00:09:28,298
Well, you can't have the car tonight
because I'm going out with Neuter.
113
00:09:29,628 --> 00:09:32,381
You can go out with Dad anytime.
114
00:09:36,228 --> 00:09:41,780
- I promised to take her to the drive-in.
- I'm taking my date there in my car.
115
00:09:42,028 --> 00:09:45,543
- I'm not giving up my date.
- I'm not giving up mine.
116
00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:04,386
American movies are so confusing.
117
00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:07,381
So much subtext. So much character.
118
00:10:08,868 --> 00:10:11,018
The important part to remember...
119
00:10:11,268 --> 00:10:14,340
...is that Elmer is mad at Bugs.
120
00:10:16,548 --> 00:10:20,780
You see, he tied his shotgun
into a bow earlier.
121
00:10:23,428 --> 00:10:25,146
Exchange student, huh?
122
00:10:25,628 --> 00:10:29,667
What did we send to her country,
a head of lettuce and some sand?
123
00:10:30,988 --> 00:10:33,138
What does she mean by that?
124
00:10:33,428 --> 00:10:35,464
Nothing.
125
00:10:35,828 --> 00:10:37,864
I'm just gonna get comfortable here.
126
00:10:40,828 --> 00:10:43,388
I'm sorry, Kel, if I hurt your legs...
127
00:10:43,588 --> 00:10:45,465
...or his hand.
128
00:10:50,428 --> 00:10:52,464
It's okay. Accidents happen.
129
00:10:52,708 --> 00:10:54,983
Which explains you.
130
00:10:57,228 --> 00:11:01,506
- Hey, shut up!
- We're trying to have sex over here!
131
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:04,546
So are we!
132
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,137
You know, I'm sure you
hear this all the time...
133
00:11:08,348 --> 00:11:11,260
...but your portrayal
of Neuter is staggering.
134
00:11:12,388 --> 00:11:13,662
Thanks.
135
00:11:13,908 --> 00:11:16,183
Have you seen my one where I say...
136
00:11:16,428 --> 00:11:20,057
..." My stomach hails
the taste of entrails"?
137
00:11:24,028 --> 00:11:26,144
Great date, Kel.
138
00:11:27,108 --> 00:11:30,225
What, was the 4000 Flushes guy busy?
139
00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:38,377
Well, I'm sorry if we were disturbing
you and Evita up here.
140
00:11:38,628 --> 00:11:44,146
It's just unusual for me to see you with
a date that doesn't require a patch kit.
141
00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:50,381
What does she mean by that?
142
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,940
Nothing.
143
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,216
Shut up!
144
00:12:03,748 --> 00:12:05,500
Come on. Come on.
145
00:12:05,748 --> 00:12:06,976
Let's go.
146
00:12:11,828 --> 00:12:15,343
All right, Kel, look.
We can't go on like this anymore.
147
00:12:15,588 --> 00:12:18,056
In order to make this
sharing thing work...
148
00:12:18,308 --> 00:12:21,380
...we have to coexist together
in the car, okay?
149
00:12:21,588 --> 00:12:23,704
Okay. Deal.
150
00:12:32,308 --> 00:12:33,536
Bud...
151
00:12:33,748 --> 00:12:37,457
...my loins are warm for you.
152
00:12:42,068 --> 00:12:43,979
Get out.
153
00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:46,187
No. I hate you.
154
00:12:46,428 --> 00:12:49,818
If you want the back seat,
get into someone else's car.
155
00:12:50,068 --> 00:12:51,706
That is really stupid.
156
00:12:53,308 --> 00:12:54,536
Hey...
157
00:12:54,788 --> 00:12:58,064
...wanna get into the back seat
of someone else's car?
158
00:12:59,108 --> 00:13:01,463
Or better yet, that pickup truck?
159
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,866
Isn't that dangerous?
160
00:13:04,508 --> 00:13:07,864
Well, "Danger" is my middle name.
161
00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:12,867
Franklin's his middle name.
162
00:13:14,148 --> 00:13:16,901
Watch. I'll show you how easy it is.
163
00:13:30,428 --> 00:13:32,305
It's all clear.
164
00:13:32,548 --> 00:13:34,664
Come and get it.
165
00:13:38,428 --> 00:13:40,578
Hit the floor.
166
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,658
Oh, look. He must really like you.
167
00:13:50,908 --> 00:13:53,706
He's wearing his underwear
with the hearts.
168
00:14:08,628 --> 00:14:11,779
Peg, what are you doing down there?
169
00:14:12,508 --> 00:14:14,305
I'm over here, Mongo.
170
00:14:14,668 --> 00:14:16,943
Well, Peg, where's my tri-tip?
171
00:14:17,268 --> 00:14:21,147
According to Jake, the refrigerator
couldn't handle that much food.
172
00:14:21,388 --> 00:14:23,618
So it just kind of OD'd.
173
00:14:24,228 --> 00:14:26,344
What are you saying?
That can't happen!
174
00:14:26,628 --> 00:14:28,778
Happened to Elvis.
175
00:14:29,948 --> 00:14:32,462
- Where's my food?
- I gave it to the poor.
176
00:14:32,708 --> 00:14:35,427
Well, then it's still around here.
177
00:14:36,188 --> 00:14:38,827
Get over it, Al. It's gone. And so am I.
178
00:14:39,068 --> 00:14:41,707
- I'm eating with the D'Arcys.
- What about me?
179
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,462
- They don't like you.
- I don't like them.
180
00:14:44,668 --> 00:14:46,545
But I'm willing to go.
181
00:14:51,028 --> 00:14:52,984
Why do I come here?
182
00:14:54,068 --> 00:14:56,901
Why doesn't Willie Nelson
do a benefit for me?
183
00:14:57,148 --> 00:15:00,185
He could call it "Al Aid."
184
00:15:00,388 --> 00:15:03,186
I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable.
185
00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:08,384
Marcie?
186
00:15:18,508 --> 00:15:20,544
There's a note.
187
00:15:20,948 --> 00:15:25,305
Dear Daddy. Due to circus dances...
188
00:15:26,228 --> 00:15:29,982
- Due to circumst...
- What Kelly is trying to say is...
189
00:15:30,188 --> 00:15:32,144
...we had to dump the chick en.
190
00:15:32,388 --> 00:15:37,382
P.S. By the time you read this,
I'll be getting some.
191
00:15:39,548 --> 00:15:41,937
Love, Bud.
192
00:15:43,828 --> 00:15:46,581
What am I supposed to do
with a live chicken?
193
00:15:53,508 --> 00:15:57,103
Welcome to the terror dome.
194
00:16:09,508 --> 00:16:13,899
Well, I went
to the nurse-slash-hotdog lady.
195
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,068
Did you know that
relish aids in clotting?
196
00:16:18,988 --> 00:16:21,297
Bud, you are so brave.
197
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:24,426
You let the dog rip you to pieces
for me.
198
00:16:24,668 --> 00:16:28,502
I resonate in my seat for you.
199
00:16:33,348 --> 00:16:35,862
Get out!
200
00:16:38,108 --> 00:16:40,668
People with futures
are talking here.
201
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:43,657
So you really brought your cat suit?
202
00:16:43,908 --> 00:16:47,821
Yeah. It helps me be myself.
203
00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:52,065
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm a little shy.
204
00:16:52,308 --> 00:16:57,621
I had a tough childhood. People think
the rich have it easy. Well, we don't.
205
00:16:57,868 --> 00:16:59,665
Rich?
206
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:02,778
I don't mean like trillionaires.
207
00:17:03,028 --> 00:17:05,383
Just a few billion.
208
00:17:09,388 --> 00:17:11,219
Anyway, I know it's strange...
209
00:17:11,468 --> 00:17:15,905
...but there are things I can say
in my costume that I can't say out of it.
210
00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,661
Like what?
211
00:17:18,148 --> 00:17:21,743
Like... inviting certain people I like...
212
00:17:21,988 --> 00:17:26,982
...to all-expense-paid trips
to certain island paradises that I own.
213
00:17:29,428 --> 00:17:31,783
Get out!
214
00:17:33,228 --> 00:17:36,186
Not this time, Fancy Feast.
215
00:17:41,148 --> 00:17:43,662
The worm has turned.
216
00:17:44,708 --> 00:17:47,268
You mean to tell me that a
couple seconds of cheap sex...
217
00:17:47,468 --> 00:17:49,663
...means more to you
than my happiness?
218
00:17:49,948 --> 00:17:53,065
A milk shake means more to me
than your happiness.
219
00:17:54,708 --> 00:17:57,176
Fine. Come on, Neuter.
220
00:17:58,708 --> 00:18:02,144
Let's walk amongst the pines
and empty tubes of ointment...
221
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:05,385
...and talk of the things you own
and will give me.
222
00:18:07,388 --> 00:18:10,425
If you'll just help me out of these
bandages here...
223
00:18:10,668 --> 00:18:13,580
...we can test the shocks on this baby.
224
00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:19,222
So this island that you own...
225
00:18:19,468 --> 00:18:22,778
...is it near the beach?
226
00:18:28,468 --> 00:18:30,106
Yes.
227
00:18:30,548 --> 00:18:33,506
Well, then put your head on
and let's talk.
228
00:18:38,148 --> 00:18:39,900
Kelly...
229
00:18:40,148 --> 00:18:44,187
...l've been alone
for a long, long time.
230
00:19:15,628 --> 00:19:17,425
Just one more bandage.
231
00:19:18,308 --> 00:19:21,584
Then I can really hurt you.
232
00:19:24,268 --> 00:19:27,146
It's been so long.
233
00:19:29,148 --> 00:19:32,538
Well, it's gonna be even longer,
King Tut.
234
00:19:33,948 --> 00:19:37,657
- What are you doing here?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
235
00:19:37,908 --> 00:19:40,103
Sit down, Neuter.
236
00:19:44,228 --> 00:19:45,502
I'm hungry.
237
00:19:45,748 --> 00:19:49,263
Bud, why don't you go to the nurse
and get us a hot dog.
238
00:19:50,548 --> 00:19:54,302
- Why don't you go?
- No. You go.
239
00:19:56,308 --> 00:19:58,583
Look. Let's just both go, okay?
240
00:19:58,828 --> 00:20:00,625
All right.
241
00:20:06,308 --> 00:20:07,502
Look, Kel.
242
00:20:09,268 --> 00:20:12,943
- I'm sorry about your friend, okay?
- Yeah, well, it's okay.
243
00:20:13,188 --> 00:20:17,500
It's just my luck. All the other cats
are either married or gay.
244
00:20:17,748 --> 00:20:19,261
Listen. Let's not fight.
245
00:20:19,508 --> 00:20:21,339
You and Sonja take the car...
246
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,900
...and Neuter and I will go hang out
in an alley. He's used to it.
247
00:20:26,148 --> 00:20:28,378
- Thanks, Kel.
- No problem.
248
00:20:28,708 --> 00:20:32,621
- Oh, Neuter!
- Oh, Sonja!
249
00:20:38,388 --> 00:20:40,982
You know what really hurts, Kel?
250
00:20:42,828 --> 00:20:46,821
Throwing meat in the car
and setting Cujo loose on them?
251
00:20:48,108 --> 00:20:50,338
You're way ahead of me.
252
00:20:50,588 --> 00:20:53,148
Then let's get it over with.
253
00:21:03,348 --> 00:21:05,418
Al, correct me if I'm wrong...
254
00:21:05,668 --> 00:21:09,377
...but didn't the insurance policy say
"no chicken, no check"?
255
00:21:11,108 --> 00:21:13,827
You hate to see me eat,
don't you, Peg?
256
00:21:14,068 --> 00:21:17,458
But it's too late.
It's in, and it's staying in.
257
00:21:17,948 --> 00:21:21,145
Yeah. I've heard that before.
258
00:21:26,028 --> 00:21:27,586
I'll get another chicken tomorrow.
259
00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:30,256
The chances of them
wrecking the car the one night...
260
00:21:30,508 --> 00:21:33,705
...the chicken isn't in it
is a billion-to-one.
261
00:21:34,228 --> 00:21:36,298
Daddy, we wrecked the car.
262
00:21:37,108 --> 00:21:38,336
On purpose.
263
00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:41,864
You were right.
Kelly and I aren't ready to share.
264
00:21:42,108 --> 00:21:44,668
So to get our money back,
we totalled it.
265
00:21:45,548 --> 00:21:48,142
All you have to do is toss
the chicken in the back seat...
266
00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:51,579
...before the insurance company
gets here and we're home free.
267
00:21:51,828 --> 00:21:53,784
You proud of us, big guy?1
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:19,599
All right. Now, let's review
this year's Halloween strategy.
2
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,637
This is the Miller house.
3
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,440
The Millers give away
nice, healthy fruit...
4
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:28,309
...so obviously we'll be egging
the Miller house.
5
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,750
Now, Mr. Grover here,
he doesn't believe in Halloween...
6
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:37,312
...but I say we ring his doorbell
over and over again anyhow.
7
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,109
- Well, how come?
- He's a Jehovah's Witness...
8
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,954
...and I want him to know
what it feels like for a change.
9
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:56,828
I'm sorry I'm late.
10
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,913
We had a Halloween party
down at the extermination company.
11
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,112
It was fun for a while, but we
all learned a very valuable lesson:
12
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,433
Never spray poison into
each other's mouths and play Twister.
13
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,989
People were dropping like flies.
14
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,869
Well, that just goes to show you,
you're never too blond to learn.
15
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,278
All right, kids. Let's put on our
costumes that we made last night.
16
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,669
I ran out of ideas.
17
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,638
All right, let's go.
18
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,351
Peggy.
19
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:46,673
I'm in terrible trouble.
20
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,115
How'd you know it was me?
21
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,993
Well, you told me
you were going as a princess.
22
00:02:55,680 --> 00:03:00,231
Anyway, I'm hosting a Halloween
charity fundraiser tonight...
23
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:04,678
...for women who killed their husbands
just to watch them die.
24
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,070
You can't imagine how hard it is
to find an appropriate theme party.
25
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,756
And then it hit me. What I needed
was a mega-star rock group.
26
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,276
And I did it. I got the hottest
rock group from the '70s.
27
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:18,999
The Village People.
28
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,150
Surely you've heard
of the Village People.
29
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,790
They were huge. They sold millions.
30
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,589
And they just called collect
and said they can't make it.
31
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:39,630
So now I've got a house full
of angry menopausal women...
32
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,553
...who have paid $100 a head
to see the Village People.
33
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,758
So as a favour to me, I'd like you all
to come over to the party.
34
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,956
Thank God. I thought
she was gonna ask us...
35
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:51,556
...to dress up as the Village People
and entertain.
36
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,076
And dress up as the Village People
and entertain.
37
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,836
- That's insane.
- We couldn't possibly pull that off.
38
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,470
What kind of idiot would set himself
up for a suicide mission like that?
39
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,468
I don't know, Marcie.
40
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,076
Are you sure the lead singer
wore his pants this tight?
41
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,630
The cow these came from
couldn't walk in this leather.
42
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,189
Jefferson, there are women
at our house...
43
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,750
...who have killed their husbands
for saying, "Where's my bacon?"
44
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:33,035
Now, do you wanna be the one
to tell them there's no Village People?
45
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,151
Now, go oil your pecs
and get macho.
46
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,518
I'll oil my pecs,
but no way I'm getting macho.
47
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,876
I have my dignity.
48
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,398
So any other volunteers?
49
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,949
- No way, Mrs. D'Arcy.
- No way I'm going over.
50
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,111
There's $500 in it for you.
51
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,555
Oh, how I hate Halloween.
52
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,517
Ask me how much I hate Halloween.
53
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,192
More than that.
54
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,720
Well, they make all us employees
put on these costumes...
55
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,428
...like some woman's gonna say,
"Gee, I wasn't gonna...
56
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,194
I wasn't gonna buy
any shoes today...
57
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,910
...but since I see you
in a dinosaur costume, I will."
58
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,430
And the ride home
wouldn't have been so bad...
59
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,398
...if the kids had actually got gas...
60
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,154
...instead of painting the needle
on the gauge full.
61
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,119
But I don't mind pushing
the Dodge through gang turf...
62
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,874
...because I'm a mighty stegosaurus.
63
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,875
By the way, did I mention
how much I hate Halloween?
64
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:07,798
Go away.
65
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,398
Dear Al,
trick-or-treat plans are cancelled.
66
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,870
We're at Marcie's house
being Village People.
67
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,348
Love, Peggy.
68
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,229
P.S. There's a plate warming
in the oven for you.
69
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,034
How does she find the time?
70
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,235
I hate life, life hates me
Soon I'll...
71
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:46,632
Quiet, Buck.
72
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,430
Good dog.
73
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,639
I saw you push into the driveway,
Bundy. Open up.
74
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,028
All right.
75
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,030
Pint-sized, greedy little
shakedown artist.
76
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,512
What the hell do you want?
77
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,758
What the hell do you think?
78
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:15,518
It's Halloween, I'm in a costume,
I have a bag.
79
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,950
I don't have any candy. Go away.
80
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,510
Say, are you one of those dinosaurs
that spits?
81
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,672
- No.
- Well, I am.
82
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,672
Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving,
Sunday through Monday...
83
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,639
...Halloween's gotta be the worst day
of the year.
84
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,550
Bundy is a doody-head
85
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,110
Bundy is a doody-head
86
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,550
I wish I was dead.
87
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,235
Unless you're Death, go away.
88
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,797
That's it.
89
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:18,837
Look, kid, I'm out of patience
and I'm out of candy, so beat it.
90
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,912
- How'd you do that?
- I'm Death.
91
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,709
That's the first thing they teach you
in Death school. Gotta have a gimmick.
92
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,831
Hey, you are Death.
93
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:45,595
Oh, you found my G-spot.
94
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,518
I'm just kidding...
95
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,832
...you nearly departed
hunk of beefcake.
96
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,230
You mind if I take this hood off?
97
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,996
It's hot as hell in here,
and I just had my hair done.
98
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,669
Perfect.
99
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,553
This?
100
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,870
I thought that might get you.
101
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,918
Actually, I can look any way I want.
102
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,116
I can be your greatest fantasy.
103
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,351
I could be your worst nightmare.
104
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,556
I could be my worst nightmare...
105
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,190
...but who'd wanna go around
looking like Sally Struthers?
106
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,754
- But why me?
- You've been calling.
107
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,116
I have not.
108
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:38,516
Well, let's just check
the Grim Beeper, shall we?
109
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,757
Isn't this your number?
110
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:47,433
Yes. Maybe I have called for death
once or twice or a hundred times...
111
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:51,719
...but you know, it's just something that
you say, that you don't actually mean.
112
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,679
You know, like, "How you doing?"
Or "I love you."
113
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,508
I knew it.
114
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:01,753
Another weenie turning yellow
in the face of eternal darkness.
115
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,116
You know, you people make me sick.
116
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,158
I didn't have this hard a time
with Elvis.
117
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:13,036
- Then Elvis really is...?
- Oh, please.
118
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:16,597
It took six of us
to get him out of there.
119
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:21,116
We had to take the bathroom door
off the hinges...
120
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,909
...slipping on Ho Hos all the way.
121
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,750
You wouldn't lick
the back of his postage stamp...
122
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,916
...if you'd seen what I saw.
123
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,150
Oh, please don't take me!
124
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,676
Take somebody who deserves it,
like Michael Bolton...
125
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,796
...or whoever wrote
that Facts of Life theme.
126
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,314
Okay, Bundy, you caught me
on a good night.
127
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:53,632
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll cut you a deal.
128
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,955
A deal. Yes, a deal. Anything.
I'll do anything, but please...
129
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,078
All right.
130
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,713
Tell you what.
131
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,190
Anytime between now
and midnight...
132
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:11,275
...if any member of your family
says that they need you in any way...
133
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,158
...l'll let you live.
134
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,954
All my family has to do
is say they need me?
135
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,238
That's right.
136
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:26,150
- Just once?
- Just once.
137
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,799
Then I'll get my suitcase.
138
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,549
Here's me with all six
of the Three Stooges.
139
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,068
My favourite was Curly,
so I took him out first.
140
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,751
Here's me with John Wayne.
141
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,195
Listen, I don't wanna be rude...
142
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,197
...but shouldn't someone
be next door...
143
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,675
...finding out if my family
said they needed me?
144
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,033
We don't have to go all the way
over there.
145
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,113
This is Death in the '90s, baby.
146
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,716
Death has its own cable network.
147
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,878
DTV.
148
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,711
Tonight, a bus crash in Texas...
149
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,639
...followed by Growing Pains.
150
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:32,476
But first, let's join the D 'Arcys.
151
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:38,908
We better hurry, Marcie.
152
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,630
I just saw one of them sharpening
her moustache comb into a shiv.
153
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,792
Come on, guys,
they're getting restless.
154
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,440
This is not going to work.
155
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,233
- It can't work.
- It will work.
156
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:10,189
- How?
- See, it's working already.
157
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,270
Now, all you have to do
is lip-synch to the record.
158
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,598
What's a record?
159
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,757
For you? A second date.
160
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,795
You know who I wish
were here to see this?
161
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,998
Me! Me! Come on, baby!
Say it, Peg!
162
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,310
The Supremes.
163
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,637
I'm much better at singing
"Love Child."
164
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,678
You know,
that's her pet name for me.
165
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:45,358
Yeah, see, sometimes I call her pookie
and then she calls me "The Supremes."
166
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:50,914
You'd lie to Death? Oh, how low.
167
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,677
"Macho Man"! "Macho Man"!
"Macho Man"!
168
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,918
Quiet, please.
169
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:03,393
And now the act you've all been
waiting for, the Village People.
170
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,508
Suppose my family lets me down...
171
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,150
...do you have any idea
where I might be going?
172
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:34,069
Well, you might want to bring along
a lot of sun block.
173
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,197
SPF one million.
174
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,551
Just kidding.
175
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,438
Maybe.
176
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,436
What's the next song?
177
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:08,231
There is no next song.
I just have the 45.
178
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,232
Look, this is degrading.
179
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,233
Worst of all, I don't even get to be
the sexy Village Person.
180
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,513
I quit.
181
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,113
Sing!
182
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,072
Hit it!
183
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,999
I know this isn't easy
for you, Bundy.
184
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,310
Death isn't easy for anybody.
185
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,836
Take Shakespeare, and I did.
186
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,112
Arguably the greatest writer
in history...
187
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,989
...and when it was his time,
all he could say was, and I quote:
188
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,753
Mondo disappointment for me.
189
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,308
Why, even Lincoln was able
to eek out a:
190
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,155
"Okay, okay. So let's not free them."
191
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,398
I'll tell you, this job sure isn't
as easy as it used to be.
192
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,392
Strike one.
193
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,917
How many times
have they sung that song?
194
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,388
I don't remember.
195
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:52,792
But I also don't remember the
Construction Worker having pimples.
196
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,793
And I don't remember the Indian
having boobies out to here.
197
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,710
And now the Village People will be
proud to take your requests.
198
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,155
Anything but "Y.M.C.A."
199
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,234
I heard "Y.M.C.A." Hit it, Villagers.
200
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,718
You know who I wish was here
to see this?
201
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,953
Say me, Al,
your ever-loving husband, Peg!
202
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,952
Cousin Wormy.
203
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,829
He has all
the Village People records.
204
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:40,517
Yes! But he doesn't have any nostrils,
does he, Peg?
205
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,750
Calm down, Bundy.
206
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,560
You'll give yourself a stroke.
207
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,953
Village People or not,
one more round of "Y.M.C.A."...
208
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,397
...and I say we hammer them
with their own tools.
209
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,310
Hey, Bud. I think these women
are getting mad.
210
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,358
We better throw them a crumb.
211
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,835
Hey, we're here.
212
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:28,273
Hey, by the way,
sorry about the Dodge out front.
213
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:32,832
- Why? Did you hit it?
- No, I'm just sorry about it.
214
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:38,155
That's the real Policeman.
I'd know that nightstick anywhere.
215
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,038
Don't make me use it.
216
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,033
Wait. If these are the real
Village People, who are they?
217
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,954
You frauds!
218
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,150
How dare you try
to pass yourselves off...
219
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,312
...as America's
best-loved disco kings.
220
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,312
Sorry we're late, everyone.
221
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,632
But it is Halloween,
and everybody gave us candy.
222
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,990
You've all been waiting,
so we'll kick it off...
223
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,749
...with a little something
that goes like this. Hit it, guys.
224
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,000
Guess that was my last chance, huh?
225
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,515
Now, now, Bundy.
226
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,274
It's still five minutes to midnight.
227
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,033
Have a little faith.
228
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,032
- Okay, kids, let's go.
- Wait, Mom, you gotta see this.
229
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,636
They hog-tied the Cowboy,
they handcuffed the Policeman...
230
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,668
...and they glue-gunned
the Construction Worker to the Indian.
231
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,873
Well, what about the other two?
232
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,753
They're TP'ing us.
233
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,675
They don't normally do this
till we sing "Feelings."
234
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,350
Hey, wait a minute.
They're throwing the good stuff.
235
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,512
Two-ply.
236
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,757
- No, that's one-ply.
- No, no, no.
237
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,389
- It's two-ply.
- Let's ask Dad.
238
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,437
Yeah, where is he
when we need him?
239
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,071
She said it. She said it.
My pumpkin said she needs me.
240
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,950
And for quite the noble cause,
might I add.
241
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,672
You know,
you are a lucky man, Bundy.
242
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,592
But I'll see you...
243
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,990
...day after you win the lottery.
244
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,356
Just kidding.
245
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,232
Maybe.
246
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,948
- Dad, wake up, wake up.
- Daddy, wake up.
247
00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,918
- Was I dreaming?
- No, Daddy, you were dying.
248
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,752
My Verminator tank sprung a leak...
249
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,072
...and you've been breathing
in toxic poison. Here, smell.
250
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,114
Oh, my God,
we were so worried about you.
251
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,351
He's okay, Mom.
Don't call an ambulance.
252
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,110
I'm not. I was ordering a pizza.
253
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,148
Poison?
254
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,870
- So Death and the Village People...?
- Oh, no, no, no. That really happened.
255
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,795
But just so you wouldn't feel left out,
we invited them over here.
256
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,359
- What?
- Yes.
257
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,033
Okay, guys, hit it!1
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:19,424
Hi.
2
00:01:19,785 --> 00:01:24,017
I'm Billy Ray Wetnap
from Pest Boys Exterminators...
3
00:01:24,425 --> 00:01:28,054
...where our motto is,
"There's no bug we can't plug."
4
00:01:28,705 --> 00:01:31,344
And to prove it,
our very own Verminator...
5
00:01:31,585 --> 00:01:33,894
...has volunteered
to get into this glass cage...
6
00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:37,182
...with 10,000
Peruvian stinging beetles.
7
00:01:37,945 --> 00:01:41,824
Stinging beetles?
You said they were gonna be ladybugs.
8
00:01:46,825 --> 00:01:49,817
Now, she is armed with nothing
but her Verminator spray gun...
9
00:01:50,065 --> 00:01:54,377
...filled with our new poison,
RU Dead 42.
10
00:02:00,225 --> 00:02:02,136
It's not working.
11
00:02:02,345 --> 00:02:05,223
The reason that the Peruvian
stinging beetle is so large...
12
00:02:05,465 --> 00:02:09,583
...is that 80 percent of his body weight
is pure D venom.
13
00:02:15,825 --> 00:02:20,615
They don't even lose their stingers
like them sissified African killer bees.
14
00:02:34,185 --> 00:02:38,895
Well, it looks like our very own
Verminator's in a little bit of trouble.
15
00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:44,221
But you won't be if you call Manny,
me or Ma at Pest Boys Exterminators.
16
00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,581
Call 1-800-LEGS-UP...
17
00:02:46,785 --> 00:02:51,063
...where our motto is,
"If you wish it, we will squish it."
18
00:02:55,465 --> 00:02:57,501
Well, Ma, it says right here:
19
00:02:57,745 --> 00:03:01,135
"The Peruvian beetle sting
can cause temporary insanity.
20
00:03:01,385 --> 00:03:03,979
But on the bright side,
it has a delightful mating call...
21
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,982
...and stays crunchy in milk."
22
00:03:07,425 --> 00:03:10,576
Well, the doctor said
she seems to be fine.
23
00:03:11,785 --> 00:03:14,936
The pods! The pods!
They're opening!
24
00:03:15,185 --> 00:03:17,494
Is that you, Napoleon?
25
00:03:18,785 --> 00:03:20,138
No, Rhett, it's me.
26
00:03:20,385 --> 00:03:25,095
And mark my words,
the South shall rise again.
27
00:03:26,545 --> 00:03:27,944
Peg.
28
00:03:37,305 --> 00:03:40,297
Peg. Bud.
Man, do I have good news.
29
00:03:40,545 --> 00:03:43,617
Al, aren't you forgetting someone?
30
00:03:45,065 --> 00:03:47,533
Oh, Peg, she's nuts.
31
00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:51,617
Nuts or not,
she is still our daughter.
32
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,776
Oh, all right, Peg.
33
00:03:54,865 --> 00:03:56,742
Hi, pumpkin.
34
00:03:58,065 --> 00:04:01,262
Isn't that cute. I used to call her
pumpkin, now she is one.
35
00:04:02,065 --> 00:04:04,943
But, Peg, anyway, like I was saying,
man, I got good news.
36
00:04:05,185 --> 00:04:07,335
Tomorrow, not only
will I be selling shoes...
37
00:04:07,585 --> 00:04:10,053
...I will be selling ladies' handbags.
38
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:16,373
That high school diploma
is really starting to pay off.
39
00:04:17,225 --> 00:04:19,056
Anyway, Kelly...
40
00:04:19,505 --> 00:04:22,417
...guess who has the job
of hiring the new employee?
41
00:04:22,665 --> 00:04:26,374
Oh, now, I wouldn't go
ploughing today, Brer Bear.
42
00:04:31,185 --> 00:04:34,382
Let me try this one more time
while the liquor stores are open.
43
00:04:34,625 --> 00:04:36,422
Al, are you trying to tell us...
44
00:04:36,665 --> 00:04:39,338
...that they're gonna put you
in charge of doing the hiring?
45
00:04:39,745 --> 00:04:43,943
Yes, I am. And let us hope I pick more
carefully than I've done in the past.
46
00:04:46,025 --> 00:04:48,016
I must be careful and selective.
47
00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:51,382
I must not hire the first boob
who walks in the door.
48
00:05:01,425 --> 00:05:02,744
You're hired.
49
00:05:04,745 --> 00:05:06,975
Shouldn't I fill out
an application first?
50
00:05:08,585 --> 00:05:10,064
Oh, good idea.
51
00:05:11,265 --> 00:05:12,857
Here you are.
52
00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:16,378
Right over here. Have a seat.
Get off.
53
00:05:18,665 --> 00:05:20,417
You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
54
00:05:20,665 --> 00:05:23,657
Threats don't frighten me.
I'm married.
55
00:05:24,945 --> 00:05:27,618
To my job,
not to some giant big redhead.
56
00:05:30,505 --> 00:05:32,302
Where it says "name,"
do you want mine?
57
00:05:32,545 --> 00:05:36,254
No.
Just a simple naked photo will do.
58
00:05:44,585 --> 00:05:46,860
Well, well, well.
59
00:05:53,305 --> 00:05:54,658
It's true what they say.
60
00:05:54,905 --> 00:05:58,534
Even in hard times
consumers still flock to quality.
61
00:05:58,785 --> 00:06:00,104
Excuse me, Al.
62
00:06:00,345 --> 00:06:02,381
Is this seat taken?
63
00:06:02,865 --> 00:06:06,574
Or this one? Or this one?
64
00:06:07,945 --> 00:06:09,742
Marcie, come here.
65
00:06:11,745 --> 00:06:14,782
Look. There's a woman.
66
00:06:15,665 --> 00:06:17,940
Aren't they something?
67
00:06:19,705 --> 00:06:21,377
So, what do you want?
68
00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:25,254
Jefferson has something to say.
Jefferson?
69
00:06:26,225 --> 00:06:28,102
Yeah, Al, I'm...
70
00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:31,178
I'm here to apply for the j...
71
00:06:31,745 --> 00:06:35,021
- For the j...
- Job! Job! Say it!
72
00:06:35,465 --> 00:06:37,217
I am tired of coming home
every night...
73
00:06:37,425 --> 00:06:40,417
...and finding you watching
the Home Shopping Network.
74
00:06:41,345 --> 00:06:44,223
Look, Marcie, I don't know
the first thing about selling shoes.
75
00:06:44,465 --> 00:06:46,854
Is this the right colour for me?
76
00:06:47,505 --> 00:06:50,861
Absolutely.
It brings out the violet in your eyes.
77
00:06:51,825 --> 00:06:53,861
I'll take 12.
78
00:07:01,545 --> 00:07:05,584
I'm sorry, Marcie. But the job
has already been filled by someone...
79
00:07:05,785 --> 00:07:07,059
...far more qualified.
80
00:07:07,305 --> 00:07:11,662
Mr. Bundy, where it says "date," do
you want his name or where we went?
81
00:07:15,105 --> 00:07:19,656
That's Heidi. She's dumb
as toast, but I'd kill for her.
82
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,418
And I'd start with you.
83
00:07:22,305 --> 00:07:24,944
You piece of algae.
84
00:07:25,465 --> 00:07:28,616
If you think that I am
going to stand idly by...
85
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:32,824
...and let you hire
some salute to silicone...
86
00:07:34,225 --> 00:07:38,013
...instead of an obviously qualified
person, then you're wrong, Al Bundy.
87
00:07:38,265 --> 00:07:42,338
I'll have my woman's group here so
fast it'll make your bulbous head swim.
88
00:07:42,585 --> 00:07:45,622
My Jefferson is
far more qualified than...
89
00:07:54,505 --> 00:07:59,295
I'm not just a shoe salesman.
I also direct movies for HBO.
90
00:08:03,785 --> 00:08:05,184
Let's go, Jefferson.
91
00:08:05,425 --> 00:08:07,620
Marcie, I thought you wanted me
to get a job.
92
00:08:07,825 --> 00:08:10,862
Your job is pleasing me,
and I am not pleased.
93
00:08:14,105 --> 00:08:15,902
That's my mom.
94
00:08:17,945 --> 00:08:20,505
"Sex." This could take a while.
95
00:08:20,705 --> 00:08:22,741
Can I write on the back?
The front's all full.
96
00:08:22,985 --> 00:08:25,977
Yes, yes. And feel free to move around
if you want to.
97
00:08:28,385 --> 00:08:30,660
I'm here to apply
for the shoe salesman's job.
98
00:08:30,905 --> 00:08:33,100
Job's taken. Get out.
99
00:08:35,185 --> 00:08:36,823
Polk High?
100
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,982
Oh, Polk you're the best
Of all the schools
101
00:08:41,225 --> 00:08:43,500
- For you we'll always cheer
- For you we'll always cheer
102
00:08:43,705 --> 00:08:45,980
- By day we learn to read and write
- By day we learn to read and write
103
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,534
- By night our team will fight, fight, fight
- By night our team will fight, fight, fight
104
00:08:48,785 --> 00:08:50,980
- No matter where we are
- No matter where we are
105
00:08:51,225 --> 00:08:53,261
- We'll always give a.
- We'll always give a.
106
00:08:53,505 --> 00:08:55,860
- For P-O-L-K
- P-O-L-K
107
00:08:56,105 --> 00:08:58,619
- Polk. Polk. Polk
- Polk. Polk. Polk.
108
00:09:00,145 --> 00:09:01,658
Aaron Mitchell. Class of '93.
109
00:09:01,905 --> 00:09:05,136
Al Bundy. All class, all the time.
110
00:09:11,225 --> 00:09:13,022
Wait a second.
111
00:09:13,225 --> 00:09:15,261
Al Bundy?
112
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,863
The All-State Al Bundy?
113
00:09:18,385 --> 00:09:19,613
I was.
114
00:09:20,705 --> 00:09:23,617
- I thought you died in Nam.
- No.
115
00:09:24,745 --> 00:09:27,134
Well, actually, I started that rumour.
116
00:09:27,385 --> 00:09:31,139
Yeah, see, I died here at home,
victim of Agent Red.
117
00:09:33,225 --> 00:09:36,183
Al Bundy. Do you know
what a hero you are to me?
118
00:09:36,425 --> 00:09:39,895
I presume you're referring
to my four touchdowns in one game.
119
00:09:40,145 --> 00:09:42,978
Well, that and the four holes
you drilled into the walls...
120
00:09:43,185 --> 00:09:45,176
...of the girls locker room.
121
00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:49,059
For years I didn't think
women had heads.
122
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:58,739
- Well, I see you play a little ball.
- No, no, no. You played ball.
123
00:09:58,945 --> 00:10:01,334
I was just All City.
I was lucky to get a scholarship.
124
00:10:01,545 --> 00:10:03,979
- I got a scholarship to college.
- And what happened?
125
00:10:04,305 --> 00:10:07,980
An injury. Tackle broke my leg.
Wife broke her water. The end.
126
00:10:09,345 --> 00:10:10,698
But...
127
00:10:10,945 --> 00:10:14,142
...all things considered, I think
things turned out pretty well.
128
00:10:14,385 --> 00:10:17,343
- Yeah.
- Excuse me.
129
00:10:27,265 --> 00:10:29,904
Well, sorry to hear the job's filled...
130
00:10:30,105 --> 00:10:33,222
...but you know, it was worth
the trip here just to meet you.
131
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:36,383
If it's any consolation, the players
didn't start making big money...
132
00:10:36,585 --> 00:10:38,815
...till after your career
would've been over anyway.
133
00:10:39,025 --> 00:10:42,540
Well, that big shoe money's
still coming down.
134
00:10:46,585 --> 00:10:48,098
Hey, Bundy.
135
00:10:48,505 --> 00:10:49,938
Go deep.
136
00:11:09,785 --> 00:11:12,424
What the hell. You got the job.
137
00:11:13,385 --> 00:11:14,784
Really?
138
00:11:18,625 --> 00:11:19,978
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
139
00:11:20,185 --> 00:11:23,700
Hey, I don't wanna impose,
but I got my football in the car.
140
00:11:23,905 --> 00:11:27,375
- Would you autograph it for me?
- Sure, kid. Go get it.
141
00:11:30,185 --> 00:11:32,141
Did I just hear you hire
someone else?
142
00:11:32,385 --> 00:11:36,298
Oh, yeah, you did.
143
00:11:36,785 --> 00:11:39,253
- What should I do?
- Well...
144
00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:42,063
Keep writing.
145
00:11:47,025 --> 00:11:48,822
Hi, honey.
146
00:11:49,345 --> 00:11:52,655
Al, I'll tell you,
we just got back from the doctor...
147
00:11:52,905 --> 00:11:54,975
...and he said that she's much better.
148
00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:01,424
Al, what's wrong?
Your face looks strange.
149
00:12:02,465 --> 00:12:05,184
Yeah, it's called a smile, Peg.
But don't worry about it.
150
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:08,178
I'm not taking it home with me.
Peg, you should see.
151
00:12:08,425 --> 00:12:11,098
I just hired the best kid ever
to help me out in the store.
152
00:12:11,345 --> 00:12:14,382
He's a football hero at Polk High
last year. You should see him.
153
00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:17,298
He's the son I always wanted.
154
00:12:18,585 --> 00:12:20,223
And who's that over there?
155
00:12:20,465 --> 00:12:23,377
Oh, that's the wife I always wanted.
156
00:12:30,305 --> 00:12:31,624
Daddy?
157
00:12:32,305 --> 00:12:34,773
Peg, why can't we just put her
in David Letterman's house...
158
00:12:34,985 --> 00:12:36,577
...and get it over with?
159
00:12:37,225 --> 00:12:39,181
Come on, Kelly.
160
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:43,782
- And how do we say goodbye?
- Alice, you're the greatest.
161
00:12:53,545 --> 00:12:55,342
I wanna thank you again, Mr. Bundy.
162
00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:57,894
- I really needed this job.
- That's okay. I know.
163
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,464
College is expensive.
164
00:12:59,705 --> 00:13:01,616
Actually, that's pretty much paid for.
165
00:13:01,825 --> 00:13:03,975
I'm using this money to buy a ring
for my girl.
166
00:13:04,185 --> 00:13:06,016
We're gonna get married.
167
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:15,655
What's wrong with getting married?
168
00:13:17,025 --> 00:13:18,504
Aaron...
169
00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:22,619
...sit down over here, son.
Let's have a chat.
170
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:26,502
Now, I too am a great believer
in love.
171
00:13:26,905 --> 00:13:29,294
I wanna find it myself someday.
172
00:13:30,425 --> 00:13:33,144
But let me give you
a little bit of advice.
173
00:13:33,385 --> 00:13:35,535
Bed them, don't wed them.
174
00:13:37,385 --> 00:13:39,615
Do them, don't woo them.
175
00:13:39,825 --> 00:13:41,816
Date them, don't mate them.
176
00:13:42,745 --> 00:13:44,303
But Angie's different.
177
00:13:44,545 --> 00:13:47,457
- Well, she...
- Always lets you pick out the movie?
178
00:13:47,705 --> 00:13:50,173
Doesn't mind when you wanna watch
a ballgame?
179
00:13:50,425 --> 00:13:53,940
Can recognize a kitchen appliance
two out of three times?
180
00:13:54,545 --> 00:13:55,773
That's her.
181
00:13:56,185 --> 00:13:59,939
That's all women before the day.
182
00:14:00,985 --> 00:14:05,217
Mr. Bundy, I appreciate your concern,
but I want to get married.
183
00:14:09,585 --> 00:14:11,815
I see now what I have to do.
184
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,618
Come with me.
185
00:14:15,945 --> 00:14:17,537
Where are we going?
186
00:14:17,785 --> 00:14:19,377
The mall lounge.
187
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:23,698
Or as we like to call it,
"the valley of the shadow of death."
188
00:14:36,825 --> 00:14:38,816
There they are, son.
189
00:14:39,665 --> 00:14:41,576
The lost souls.
190
00:14:41,825 --> 00:14:44,817
The meek, the miserable,
the married.
191
00:14:48,265 --> 00:14:51,223
And over here are the lowest
of the lows.
192
00:14:51,465 --> 00:14:54,457
The ones relegated to holding
their wives' purses.
193
00:14:59,025 --> 00:15:00,856
What's wrong with him?
194
00:15:01,345 --> 00:15:04,462
His wife is shopping
at Victoria's Secret.
195
00:15:04,705 --> 00:15:06,900
She tried on a garter belt last week...
196
00:15:07,145 --> 00:15:09,375
...they haven't seen it since.
197
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,859
And look over there
between Burt and Carson.
198
00:15:16,905 --> 00:15:19,180
Well, it's just an empty space.
199
00:15:19,705 --> 00:15:22,503
With your name on it, Aaron.
200
00:15:24,025 --> 00:15:25,663
Hey, come on, guys.
201
00:15:25,905 --> 00:15:28,703
What could be better
than two people loving each other...
202
00:15:28,945 --> 00:15:30,901
...and sharing the good times
and the bad?
203
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:32,897
A steak?
204
00:15:33,985 --> 00:15:35,259
Fellas...
205
00:15:35,505 --> 00:15:38,065
...what we've got here
is a non-believer.
206
00:15:39,145 --> 00:15:40,976
A little marrying music, please.
207
00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:53,177
My wife will never cook or clean
208
00:15:53,425 --> 00:15:55,461
Still my money's spent
209
00:15:56,065 --> 00:15:58,784
Who knew when I first chose my mate
210
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:01,539
That she would put on
That much weight
211
00:16:01,785 --> 00:16:03,980
More sex we'd lik e for sure
212
00:16:04,225 --> 00:16:06,693
If it only weren't with her
213
00:16:06,945 --> 00:16:10,017
Please K-l-L-L
K-l-L-L
214
00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:12,181
Me, me, me
215
00:16:22,145 --> 00:16:24,978
That's the marrying man's
fight song, son.
216
00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:27,022
That and taps.
217
00:16:29,465 --> 00:16:31,217
Good luck, Aaron.
218
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:50,535
Thanks. It's much easier to fill this out
with the light on.
219
00:16:51,465 --> 00:16:53,217
Take your time.
220
00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:56,943
Hello. Is Aaron here?
221
00:16:57,185 --> 00:17:00,655
- I just came by to bring his lunch.
- Oh, thanks.
222
00:17:03,465 --> 00:17:05,979
You must be Angie.
223
00:17:08,745 --> 00:17:11,384
- His fiance.
- Well, yes.
224
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:15,141
You don't have to say it. I know.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
225
00:17:15,385 --> 00:17:19,173
Oh, but not as lucky as he is,
I'm sure.
226
00:17:19,425 --> 00:17:23,976
Why, he tells me you don't mind
when he watches sports.
227
00:17:24,505 --> 00:17:26,894
Which I think is good
because there's...
228
00:17:27,145 --> 00:17:30,740
There's a game on tonight and
I thought maybe I'd invite him over...
229
00:17:30,985 --> 00:17:32,304
...to watch it.
230
00:17:33,305 --> 00:17:34,897
Oh, I'm sure he'd love to.
231
00:17:35,145 --> 00:17:38,262
I'd watch it with you,
but I have a cooking class tonight.
232
00:17:43,265 --> 00:17:46,894
You like football and cooking?
233
00:17:47,745 --> 00:17:49,975
Sure. What woman doesn't?
234
00:17:56,465 --> 00:17:57,784
But...
235
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:02,060
...l'll bet you like to eat, huh?
236
00:18:02,905 --> 00:18:05,180
Well, sure.
237
00:18:07,065 --> 00:18:08,896
You know, fruit, vegetables.
238
00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:11,940
My big weakness
is the Roy Rogers salad bar.
239
00:18:12,185 --> 00:18:14,301
Not that the food is bad,
I just feel guilty...
240
00:18:14,545 --> 00:18:17,105
...about spending $1.99 on myself.
241
00:18:25,945 --> 00:18:28,334
Don't take this personally,
but would you marry me?
242
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:31,975
My wife wouldn't like it,
but she doesn't like anything I like.
243
00:18:33,265 --> 00:18:35,017
You're cute.
244
00:18:36,385 --> 00:18:39,263
Well, I better go
or I'll be late for work.
245
00:18:43,945 --> 00:18:45,219
You work?
246
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:47,253
What else am I gonna do?
247
00:18:47,505 --> 00:18:51,180
Sit around the house all day
watching Oprah and eating bonbons?
248
00:19:01,345 --> 00:19:02,778
Well, at least I still have...
249
00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:07,263
A chair.
250
00:19:08,305 --> 00:19:12,537
Where a beautiful girl once sat.
251
00:19:14,465 --> 00:19:16,501
I need shoes.
252
00:19:20,585 --> 00:19:21,984
Peg?
253
00:19:23,385 --> 00:19:24,943
Oprah.
254
00:19:27,025 --> 00:19:29,016
You know, Peg, I made a mistake.
255
00:19:29,265 --> 00:19:32,894
This morning before I left I thought
that all women were totally useless.
256
00:19:33,145 --> 00:19:35,784
Now I realize it was just you.
257
00:19:37,025 --> 00:19:40,097
I thought all men were destined
to marry the worst possible mate...
258
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:43,781
...but I now realize it was just me.
259
00:19:45,425 --> 00:19:47,381
Oh, hi, Al.
260
00:19:48,345 --> 00:19:51,257
I didn't hear you.
I was watching Oprah.
261
00:19:51,505 --> 00:19:54,338
That's all right, Peg.
I was talking to Oprah.
262
00:19:55,105 --> 00:19:56,504
But, you know what
I'm going to do now?
263
00:19:56,745 --> 00:19:58,815
I'm going to live the life
I should have had...
264
00:19:59,025 --> 00:20:01,983
...vicariously through Aaron.
265
00:20:02,225 --> 00:20:04,693
And I'm going to live my sports life
through him.
266
00:20:04,945 --> 00:20:07,539
I'm going to have dinner
through him.
267
00:20:08,225 --> 00:20:12,741
And if he'll let me, I'm even
going to have sex through him.
268
00:20:15,345 --> 00:20:17,415
Oh, hi, Al.
269
00:20:18,185 --> 00:20:21,018
I didn't hear you.
I was watching Oprah.
270
00:20:21,265 --> 00:20:24,541
If only Oprah were on
when I said, "I do."
271
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:28,177
- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it, Daddy.
272
00:20:28,425 --> 00:20:30,222
- Oh, hi, pumpkin.
- Hi.
273
00:20:30,465 --> 00:20:33,855
- How you feeling?
- I'm fine. I'm all better.
274
00:20:34,105 --> 00:20:36,221
Thattagirl.
275
00:20:38,105 --> 00:20:40,335
- Hi.
- Hi. Is Mr. Bundy here?
276
00:20:40,945 --> 00:20:43,618
You're that good football guy
everyone's talking about.
277
00:20:43,865 --> 00:20:45,662
Yeah, and what's your name?
278
00:20:45,905 --> 00:20:47,736
Thumbelina!
279
00:21:00,545 --> 00:21:02,297
Book 'em, Dano.
280
00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:09,137
A great daughter.
You must be very proud.
281
00:21:10,305 --> 00:21:14,457
I'd sell her for scrap if I could.
What's going on?
282
00:21:14,665 --> 00:21:17,384
I just stopped by to thank you
for setting me straight.
283
00:21:17,625 --> 00:21:21,061
You made me realize that I shouldn't
jump into marriage.
284
00:21:21,305 --> 00:21:25,218
So I broke off my engagement
with Angie.
285
00:21:25,905 --> 00:21:30,023
And decided to go back to the girl
I dated all through high school.
286
00:21:30,265 --> 00:21:32,142
And I want you to meet her.
287
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:54,503
Mr. Bundy, I'd like you to meet Meg.
288
00:21:57,185 --> 00:21:58,857
Oprah!1
00:01:17,636 --> 00:01:19,354
Oh, quick, Bud.
2
00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:25,468
Change the channel.
It's sweeps month...
3
00:01:25,716 --> 00:01:28,469
...so Christian Slater's
gonna show America his butt.
4
00:01:30,036 --> 00:01:33,346
Kelly, now, this may come
as a surprise to you...
5
00:01:33,596 --> 00:01:35,746
...then again, the fact
that people can ride...
6
00:01:35,956 --> 00:01:39,187
...upright in the backseat of a car
came as a surprise to you.
7
00:01:39,556 --> 00:01:42,832
There are far more important things
than Christian Slater's butt.
8
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,346
Now, for instance, the president's
giving an important press conference.
9
00:01:46,596 --> 00:01:48,473
We interrupt the press conference...
10
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:52,225
...for live coverage
of Christian Slater's butt.
11
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:02,631
Move over, kids.
It's time for our favourite talk show.
12
00:02:02,876 --> 00:02:06,186
But, Mom, we were watching
the president's press conference.
13
00:02:07,396 --> 00:02:10,593
That jogging's
been doing him some good.
14
00:02:13,756 --> 00:02:15,235
Live, from Chicago...
15
00:02:15,476 --> 00:02:20,027
...it's Jerry Springer,
the masculine feminist.
16
00:02:21,676 --> 00:02:24,065
Good evening, women,
I'm Jerry Springer...
17
00:02:24,316 --> 00:02:27,547
...and I am proud to be living
in your world.
18
00:02:29,756 --> 00:02:34,272
Before we start, I wanna tak e a moment
to apologize on behalf of all men...
19
00:02:34,516 --> 00:02:38,350
...for the disgusting way
Burt has mistreated Loni.
20
00:02:41,756 --> 00:02:42,984
Good move, Burt.
21
00:02:43,236 --> 00:02:47,070
And Cop and 1/2? Good movie too.
22
00:02:47,956 --> 00:02:50,754
I mean, when are men
gonna realize...
23
00:02:50,996 --> 00:02:55,547
...that women are this world's
most precious natural resource?
24
00:02:55,796 --> 00:02:58,833
Except, of course, for our sponsor.
25
00:03:00,996 --> 00:03:03,271
I Can't Believe It's A Tampon.
26
00:03:06,516 --> 00:03:11,590
It feels so natural you're gonna wish
it was always that time of the month.
27
00:03:15,916 --> 00:03:18,430
A masculine feminist.
What does that mean?
28
00:03:19,076 --> 00:03:21,385
It means he likes show tunes.
29
00:03:23,196 --> 00:03:25,426
Would that they all did.
30
00:03:25,676 --> 00:03:27,951
Jerry has the hottest
talk show around.
31
00:03:28,356 --> 00:03:30,347
Is he gonna show his butt?
32
00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:33,032
Jerry is politically correct.
33
00:03:33,276 --> 00:03:36,666
He's keeping his butt
covered until all women are free.
34
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:39,626
I wish Al would.
35
00:03:40,156 --> 00:03:43,068
At least until all women
were warned.
36
00:03:43,396 --> 00:03:45,591
Well, Jerry's not just a talker.
He's a doer.
37
00:03:45,836 --> 00:03:49,146
Last week he found out there was no
bowling alley in this part of town...
38
00:03:49,356 --> 00:03:52,154
...with a ladies-only night.
So Jerry did something about it.
39
00:03:52,356 --> 00:03:53,471
We had a bloat-in.
40
00:03:56,876 --> 00:03:59,310
A hundred of us waited
until we were really grumpy...
41
00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:03,390
...then stormed the bowling alley and
chained ourselves to the ball returns.
42
00:04:03,636 --> 00:04:06,912
Which, in hindsight,
turned out to be an error.
43
00:04:07,756 --> 00:04:10,873
At least those little blower things
were kind of enjoyable.
44
00:04:12,916 --> 00:04:15,430
But what's important
is that Jerry helped women...
45
00:04:15,676 --> 00:04:18,065
...finally get a bowling night,
which is tonight.
46
00:04:18,316 --> 00:04:21,274
- Some guys lost their bowling night.
- Yeah, I wonder who.
47
00:04:26,036 --> 00:04:28,869
Hi, honey. I'm home.
48
00:04:36,996 --> 00:04:39,988
Why am I early
on what used to be my bowling night?
49
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:42,147
Good question.
Thank you for asking.
50
00:04:42,756 --> 00:04:45,793
Well, as I entered the bowling alley
ready for an exciting night...
51
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,992
...of bonding, brewskies
and barfing...
52
00:04:48,236 --> 00:04:53,674
...what did I see?
Women. Bowling. Overhand.
53
00:04:54,916 --> 00:04:57,555
Naturally, I went up
to one of these donut depositories...
54
00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,155
...and said in my nicest voice:
55
00:04:59,396 --> 00:05:02,866
"Wedge it out the door, beefalo,
it's my night to bowl."
56
00:05:03,396 --> 00:05:05,751
Instead of coming back at me verbally,
like I did...
57
00:05:05,956 --> 00:05:08,311
...they took their doughy fists
and they pounded on me...
58
00:05:08,556 --> 00:05:11,593
...until a mutual agreement
was reached that I leave.
59
00:05:12,236 --> 00:05:15,069
Anyway, when I regained
consciousness in a burning trash can...
60
00:05:15,276 --> 00:05:19,633
...I realized, A, Thursday nights
is now ladies' night...
61
00:05:19,876 --> 00:05:24,586
...and B, you don't wanna know
how a bum puts out a trash-can fire.
62
00:05:27,676 --> 00:05:29,871
Congratulations
to those fine women in Chicago...
63
00:05:30,076 --> 00:05:32,306
...for what they achieved
at Jim's Bowl-A-Rama.
64
00:05:32,796 --> 00:05:35,913
That's the pantywaist that cost me
my bowling night.
65
00:05:36,156 --> 00:05:39,944
Now we've gotta get the bowling alley
to enlarge the women's restroom.
66
00:05:40,196 --> 00:05:42,346
And what about mothers
who wanna nurse?
67
00:05:42,596 --> 00:05:45,190
I propose a lactation lounge.
68
00:05:46,916 --> 00:05:49,794
I propose a dairy farmer.
69
00:05:52,196 --> 00:05:54,073
Quiet, Klingon.
70
00:05:54,276 --> 00:05:55,675
Let's tak e some phone calls.
71
00:05:56,356 --> 00:06:00,031
Well, believe you me,
this outrage shall not go unavenged.
72
00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:03,427
- AI, don't you think women deserve...
- No!
73
00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:06,068
Just don't embarrass us, honey.
74
00:06:06,356 --> 00:06:09,075
- Is the caller there?
- AI Bundy here.
75
00:06:09,316 --> 00:06:10,635
Too late.
76
00:06:10,876 --> 00:06:13,948
Now, listen here, Jerry.
Bowling is a man's sport.
77
00:06:14,196 --> 00:06:17,347
If God had wanted women to bowl,
he would've put breasts on backs...
78
00:06:17,596 --> 00:06:20,713
...so we would have something to watch
while waiting our turn.
79
00:06:25,156 --> 00:06:28,546
And where are you
calling from, sir, 1952?
80
00:06:31,596 --> 00:06:34,952
I wish. Ike was in the White House,
women were in the kitchen...
81
00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:37,585
...and you were in the closet.
82
00:06:39,396 --> 00:06:41,512
And you forgot to mention
where you were, sir.
83
00:06:41,756 --> 00:06:47,035
I suspect in a zoo someplace, throwing
your faeces at a passing tourist.
84
00:06:48,316 --> 00:06:50,750
Once again, I wish.
85
00:06:50,956 --> 00:06:52,912
Enough of that call.
Let's tak e another one.
86
00:06:53,116 --> 00:06:54,549
You and your thundering herds...
87
00:06:54,796 --> 00:06:57,264
...may think you won,
but let me tell you something.
88
00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:59,865
Thursday nights have always been
men's bowling nights.
89
00:07:00,076 --> 00:07:03,148
And mark my words.
Next Thursday men will be bowling!
90
00:07:10,716 --> 00:07:12,035
All right, nice spare, Jim.
91
00:07:12,236 --> 00:07:14,227
If you shift
your weight to your rear foot...
92
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:17,149
This is ridiculous.
I worked hard all week.
93
00:07:17,396 --> 00:07:19,466
I'm not gonna sit home
on bowling night.
94
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:21,672
Well, we can't go back
to the bowling alley.
95
00:07:21,916 --> 00:07:23,554
Those women are too strong.
96
00:07:23,796 --> 00:07:26,754
We can't go home. We're too weak.
97
00:07:26,996 --> 00:07:28,634
Hey, I got it.
We can go to a movie.
98
00:07:28,876 --> 00:07:31,265
- Hey, yeah.
- Yeah.
99
00:07:31,836 --> 00:07:33,349
Hey, Peg.
100
00:07:33,596 --> 00:07:35,985
Peg, do we have a paper?
101
00:07:37,476 --> 00:07:39,068
Thank you.
102
00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,871
All right, let's see what's playing.
103
00:07:44,956 --> 00:07:47,151
Hey!
104
00:07:49,876 --> 00:07:52,151
Here's a gripping drama
about a newlywed couple...
105
00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:54,392
...waiting for their furniture to arrive.
106
00:07:54,596 --> 00:07:57,952
It's called, Where, Oh,
Where is the Mayflower Man?
107
00:07:58,676 --> 00:08:01,793
- Any boobs?
- William Hurt and Glenn Close.
108
00:08:01,996 --> 00:08:04,226
- Oh, jeez.
- Sounds like it blows.
109
00:08:04,436 --> 00:08:06,996
We could go to the newsstand
and buy a magazine.
110
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:10,626
- Yeah, but where could we hide it?
- How about in your wife's hair?
111
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,834
How about in your wife's chin?
112
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,508
- Come on, now!
- Come on.
113
00:08:17,756 --> 00:08:20,031
Come on, they're making us turn
against each other.
114
00:08:20,236 --> 00:08:23,945
- There must be something we can do.
- I know where we can go.
115
00:08:24,196 --> 00:08:28,030
To the last great bastion
for the American red-blooded male.
116
00:08:28,276 --> 00:08:31,188
Where there is no such thing
as ladies' night.
117
00:08:31,676 --> 00:08:35,794
At the nudie bar!
118
00:08:41,156 --> 00:08:43,511
Where a buck's enough
to see their stuff.
119
00:08:43,756 --> 00:08:45,951
At the nudie bar!
120
00:08:46,196 --> 00:08:49,472
Where the breasts may be fake,
but, man, do they shake.
121
00:08:49,716 --> 00:08:51,707
At the nudie bar!
122
00:08:51,956 --> 00:08:54,914
Where you swear like a sailor
and wish you could nail her.
123
00:08:55,156 --> 00:08:56,908
At the nudie bar!
124
00:08:57,156 --> 00:09:00,512
Where the cops are at the door
and there's a Kennedy on the floor.
125
00:09:00,756 --> 00:09:04,066
At the nudie bar!
126
00:09:09,756 --> 00:09:11,951
Nudie bar.
127
00:09:16,476 --> 00:09:18,865
Hey, this is great.
It's better than bowling.
128
00:09:19,116 --> 00:09:21,914
You can work up a sweat
without working up a sweat.
129
00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:25,668
You know, I haven't been in here
since they jazzed up the place.
130
00:09:25,916 --> 00:09:27,872
And they even put up a curtain.
131
00:09:28,116 --> 00:09:30,232
And the mirrors are gone.
132
00:09:32,356 --> 00:09:34,233
Well, some things don't change.
133
00:09:34,476 --> 00:09:37,786
Gentlemen, present dollars.
134
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:42,507
Hooters! Hooters! Hooters! Hoot...!
135
00:09:46,956 --> 00:09:48,184
Tonight...
136
00:09:48,396 --> 00:09:51,388
...I would like to dedicate
this poem...
137
00:09:51,636 --> 00:09:53,388
...to my ovaries.
138
00:09:59,196 --> 00:10:02,427
I don't think
we're in Kansas anymore.
139
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,669
My eggs, my eggs
140
00:10:06,116 --> 00:10:09,995
He begs, he begs
To be the father of my eggs
141
00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,674
My eggs, my eggs
142
00:10:17,156 --> 00:10:20,228
Oh, swim to meet my eggs
143
00:10:39,196 --> 00:10:42,632
Boy, they really hit us
where it hurts this time.
144
00:10:43,236 --> 00:10:46,592
Turning the nudie bar
into a coffee house.
145
00:10:46,996 --> 00:10:48,987
What're we gonna do
with our Saturday nights?
146
00:10:49,236 --> 00:10:52,831
We could play bonbon toss
with your wife.
147
00:10:53,556 --> 00:10:56,593
Yeah, we can play peanut toss
with the elephant you call your wife.
148
00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:02,828
Come on.
149
00:11:04,076 --> 00:11:06,909
Doesn't the Constitution
guarantee us the right to life...
150
00:11:07,156 --> 00:11:09,465
...nudity and the pursuit
of happiness?
151
00:11:10,596 --> 00:11:13,269
Are you sure that's "nudity"?
152
00:11:13,516 --> 00:11:16,633
Life, nudity, yeah.
153
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,104
This is the last straw.
154
00:11:18,356 --> 00:11:22,588
I say it's time we stood up
to the onslaught of this "womaninity."
155
00:11:22,836 --> 00:11:24,030
They've taken everything.
156
00:11:24,276 --> 00:11:27,746
I say it's time that we take
something away from them.
157
00:11:30,836 --> 00:11:32,235
Live, from Chicago...
158
00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:35,667
...it's Jerry Springer,
the masculine fe...
159
00:11:52,516 --> 00:11:54,905
Tonight's broadcast
of The Masculine Feminist...
160
00:11:55,156 --> 00:11:58,307
...has been commandeered
by the secret society "No Ma'am."
161
00:11:58,556 --> 00:12:03,107
National Organization of Men
Against Amazonian Masterhood.
162
00:12:11,036 --> 00:12:15,109
I would reveal my true identity,
but for political reasons, I cannot.
163
00:12:15,356 --> 00:12:16,835
But do not take me lightly.
164
00:12:17,076 --> 00:12:21,547
I once scored four touchdowns
in a single game for Polk High.
165
00:12:22,076 --> 00:12:25,785
Hey, Daddy once scored
four touchdowns too.
166
00:12:28,036 --> 00:12:31,187
That is Daddy, you mud flap.
167
00:12:32,996 --> 00:12:37,274
And that's Mr. D'Arcy,
and Mr. Anderson and Bob Rooney.
168
00:12:37,516 --> 00:12:41,953
Boy, if Marcie finds out about this
she'll be down there in a second.
169
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:44,551
Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
170
00:12:47,916 --> 00:12:49,827
Well, I guess so.
171
00:12:50,076 --> 00:12:52,385
Every day for the past 30 years...
172
00:12:52,636 --> 00:12:56,390
...you high-heeled pit bulls
have blamed us for everything.
173
00:12:56,636 --> 00:12:58,513
From not being able
to get into Harvard...
174
00:12:58,756 --> 00:13:01,748
...to not being able
to get into stretch pants.
175
00:13:03,996 --> 00:13:05,793
We've been called "pigs."
176
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:07,674
We've been called "scum."
177
00:13:07,916 --> 00:13:10,988
We've even been called
"plywood-bottom."
178
00:13:14,316 --> 00:13:16,591
Or at least I have.
179
00:13:16,836 --> 00:13:20,033
Well, we're sick and tired of this.
Now, we have a list of demands.
180
00:13:20,276 --> 00:13:24,667
If these demands are not met we are
going to take this masculine feminist...
181
00:13:24,916 --> 00:13:28,113
...and perform television's
first "sexorcism."
182
00:13:35,796 --> 00:13:38,071
Tell them what that is, Jefferson.
183
00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,836
- My name is Hank.
- Oh, right.
184
00:13:42,596 --> 00:13:45,588
- Sorry, Hank.
- That's okay, Al.
185
00:13:48,276 --> 00:13:49,948
Anyway...
186
00:13:50,556 --> 00:13:52,547
...if our demands go unheeded...
187
00:13:52,796 --> 00:13:57,392
...not only will we force Jerry
to watch hours of pro wrestling...
188
00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:01,106
...but we'll force him
to watch it in these.
189
00:14:01,356 --> 00:14:04,666
A stinky, yellowed undershirt...
190
00:14:05,196 --> 00:14:07,630
...and a pair of boxers which read:
191
00:14:07,876 --> 00:14:11,266
"It's all me."
192
00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:18,472
"It's all me" boxers,
courtesy of Mr. Bob Rooney.
193
00:14:18,716 --> 00:14:20,434
I mean, Dirk Rooney.
194
00:14:20,676 --> 00:14:23,395
Back to you, Al... Clyde.
195
00:14:23,636 --> 00:14:24,910
Hell.
196
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:26,589
Demand one:
197
00:14:26,836 --> 00:14:28,474
You gals want a ladies' night?
198
00:14:28,716 --> 00:14:31,389
Try having it in the kitchen,
cooking for a man.
199
00:14:35,996 --> 00:14:37,224
Demand two:
200
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,036
Don't put on a dress and ask us
if it makes you look fat.
201
00:14:40,236 --> 00:14:41,954
We hate that.
202
00:14:42,676 --> 00:14:45,031
Besides, it's not the dress
that makes you look fat.
203
00:14:45,276 --> 00:14:48,109
It's the fat that makes you look fat.
204
00:14:52,636 --> 00:14:53,910
Demand three:
205
00:14:54,156 --> 00:14:57,193
Don't ask us to talk
or cuddle after sex.
206
00:14:57,436 --> 00:15:02,226
Or before sex, or during sex.
You're lucky we take our pants off.
207
00:15:03,356 --> 00:15:05,506
You take your pants off?
208
00:15:06,316 --> 00:15:08,625
How do you get them
over your shoes?
209
00:15:09,236 --> 00:15:10,635
Demand four:
210
00:15:10,876 --> 00:15:13,913
Don't ask us to say I love you
over the phone.
211
00:15:14,156 --> 00:15:15,828
It's hard enough to say to someone...
212
00:15:16,036 --> 00:15:18,709
...we're paying a dollar
a minute to talk to.
213
00:15:20,516 --> 00:15:23,508
Demand five:
Stop talking about Fabio.
214
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,385
Yeah. With his long, flowing
blond hair and 48-inch chest...
215
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:31,390
...we're the ones
who should be talking about...
216
00:15:32,716 --> 00:15:35,310
Anyway, those are our five demands.
217
00:15:35,556 --> 00:15:36,909
We had five more written down...
218
00:15:37,156 --> 00:15:40,273
...but somebody couldn't
blow his nose without a hanky.
219
00:15:41,236 --> 00:15:42,874
So, ladies, you've got 30 minutes...
220
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:46,347
Which, of course,
is two hours in woman's time.
221
00:15:47,796 --> 00:15:50,833
- to address these demands,
or we'll...
222
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,350
We'll...
223
00:15:57,076 --> 00:15:59,465
- Ready.
- Break!
224
00:16:00,956 --> 00:16:03,550
Or we'll go for burgers.
225
00:16:05,036 --> 00:16:07,186
It didn't make any sense, did it?
Wait a minute.
226
00:16:12,796 --> 00:16:14,468
What about Berkowitz?
227
00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:17,150
We could change our name to that.
228
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:20,868
- No.
- Can't spell it.
229
00:16:22,756 --> 00:16:25,395
Let's see, what about...?
What about Borden?
230
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,547
Can't spell that either.
231
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:31,745
- What can you spell?
- Cat.
232
00:16:33,356 --> 00:16:35,631
So let's go to the K's.
233
00:16:38,716 --> 00:16:41,071
Now, I don't want everyone to think...
234
00:16:41,316 --> 00:16:43,466
...that we at No Ma'am
are totally anti-woman...
235
00:16:43,676 --> 00:16:47,112
...so we found a typical working
woman. I'd like to introduce her to you.
236
00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:51,827
Coming live to you from the Club
Squish, Miss Bubbles Double Dee.
237
00:17:02,556 --> 00:17:04,433
Ms. Dee.
238
00:17:05,276 --> 00:17:06,755
You're a working woman.
239
00:17:06,996 --> 00:17:08,987
What do you think of Roe v. Wade?
240
00:17:10,436 --> 00:17:12,711
Gee, I don't know
that much about boxing.
241
00:17:12,956 --> 00:17:15,993
But I'd like to go out to dinner
with whoever wins.
242
00:17:20,116 --> 00:17:22,505
Let's take some questions
from our audience, shall we?
243
00:17:22,756 --> 00:17:24,189
All right.
244
00:17:25,996 --> 00:17:28,066
Would you jump up and down?
245
00:17:28,516 --> 00:17:30,154
Yes.
246
00:17:34,236 --> 00:17:36,796
All right, next question.
247
00:17:38,356 --> 00:17:40,426
Can you do that again?
248
00:17:41,476 --> 00:17:43,512
I'll try.
249
00:17:48,756 --> 00:17:53,068
All right, all right, all right.
Now there, a typical working woman.
250
00:17:53,316 --> 00:17:56,194
Al Bundy, you sloth.
251
00:17:56,436 --> 00:18:00,475
You toad. You two-toed sloth.
252
00:18:00,716 --> 00:18:03,150
This is no man.
253
00:18:03,396 --> 00:18:06,627
This is Al "Oink Oink" Bundy.
254
00:18:07,036 --> 00:18:11,427
Why the mask, Al? Take it off.
Let the world see your snout.
255
00:18:11,676 --> 00:18:13,906
You call yourself a...
256
00:18:15,116 --> 00:18:17,027
Stop it.
257
00:18:17,356 --> 00:18:19,392
You call yourself a man,
but you're a coward.
258
00:18:19,636 --> 00:18:22,912
- You're all cowards.
- Yeah!
259
00:18:25,876 --> 00:18:27,753
- Honey, did you shut off the phone?
- Yes.
260
00:18:27,996 --> 00:18:30,066
- Stop the mail?
- Yup.
261
00:18:30,316 --> 00:18:32,511
- Did you cancel the newspaper?
- Yes.
262
00:18:32,996 --> 00:18:36,432
But won't the D'Arcy's be mad?
I mean, it's their paper.
263
00:18:37,436 --> 00:18:40,189
Honey, the D'Arcy's
have bigger problems.
264
00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:42,825
All right, Bud and Kelly Kat.
265
00:18:45,436 --> 00:18:46,915
Let's go.
266
00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:49,155
The Kat family.
267
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:52,786
Good choice, you blond airhead.
268
00:18:54,236 --> 00:18:56,352
Mom, do you know
where we're gonna live?
269
00:18:56,556 --> 00:19:00,435
No. But wherever it is
at least we'll be together...
270
00:19:00,676 --> 00:19:02,667
...unless I can find someplace great.
271
00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:09,392
Now, about your demand
to not talk during sex?
272
00:19:09,636 --> 00:19:11,547
The only reason we ask you to...
273
00:19:11,796 --> 00:19:14,708
...is so that we know
when you're finished.
274
00:19:15,836 --> 00:19:18,475
Oh, yeah? Well...
275
00:19:19,756 --> 00:19:23,715
- You're a chicken.
- Yeah!
276
00:19:27,156 --> 00:19:30,228
And if it's true we spend
so little time in the kitchen...
277
00:19:30,476 --> 00:19:33,832
...then how come you spend
so much time in the bathroom?
278
00:19:34,996 --> 00:19:36,668
Because...
279
00:19:36,916 --> 00:19:38,588
Because...
280
00:19:39,356 --> 00:19:42,428
...you're a chicken!
- Yeah!
281
00:19:46,316 --> 00:19:48,830
So in conclusion...
282
00:19:49,076 --> 00:19:50,873
...we don't wanna take over
everything...
283
00:19:51,116 --> 00:19:54,904
...we just want equality,
fairness, to be appreciated.
284
00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:59,672
After all, you need us
more than we need you.
285
00:20:04,556 --> 00:20:08,265
You're in No Ma'am's land now, baby.
286
00:20:13,156 --> 00:20:15,829
So let's set the record straight.
287
00:20:16,076 --> 00:20:21,070
You need us jar-opening,
oil-changing, spider-squishing...
288
00:20:21,316 --> 00:20:24,911
...furniture-rearranging men
a lot more than we need you.
289
00:20:25,156 --> 00:20:26,874
Yeah!
290
00:20:28,476 --> 00:20:30,273
All right, you have a point.
291
00:20:30,516 --> 00:20:33,553
There are some occasions
when women do need men.
292
00:20:33,796 --> 00:20:35,673
Yes!
293
00:20:35,916 --> 00:20:37,634
Well, like tonight for instance.
294
00:20:37,876 --> 00:20:40,436
I need some men
so I'm going to call them.
295
00:20:40,676 --> 00:20:41,995
Oh, gentlemen.
296
00:20:47,876 --> 00:20:50,265
You again, Bundy?
297
00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:54,070
Where were you when I got
mugged out in front of my store?
298
00:20:54,636 --> 00:20:58,788
Where were you last week when I
got mugged outside of your store?
299
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,547
Hi, honey. I just wandered in.
300
00:21:08,796 --> 00:21:10,866
- What's happening?
- Get in the car.
301
00:21:11,116 --> 00:21:14,347
- But Al and them made me...
- Get in the car.
302
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:21,949
Hey, aren't you Jerry Springer,
the masculine feminist?
303
00:21:22,196 --> 00:21:24,346
- Yes, I am.
- Tie him back up.
304
00:21:24,556 --> 00:21:26,035
What the...?
305
00:21:29,556 --> 00:21:31,626
I hate that guy.
306
00:21:31,876 --> 00:21:33,867
This may be the end
of No Ma'am for now...
307
00:21:34,116 --> 00:21:36,710
...but it's not the last
you'll here of it or me.
308
00:21:36,956 --> 00:21:40,187
Peg, kids, come and get me. Please.
309
00:21:49,356 --> 00:21:50,994
Who's that guy?
310
00:21:51,236 --> 00:21:53,352
Oh, he's doing community service.
311
00:22:00,036 --> 00:22:02,834
My eggs, my eggs
312
00:22:03,276 --> 00:22:05,346
Above my legs1
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,199
Oh, my God, Mom. I found it!
2
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,238
Oh, it must have been
decomposing down here for months.
3
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,717
What are we gonna do
when he gets it out?
4
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:27,157
Well, I guess we'll just say a prayer
and flush it down the toilet...
5
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,999
...like we did
when your goldfish died.
6
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,512
Okay, back, people! Back!
7
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,752
Now, give me some room!
Give me some room!
8
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,550
God, it stinks.
9
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,678
Did you find his other bowling shoe
down there?
10
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,159
No, just the eyelets.
11
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,996
I'm gonna go throw this thing
in the back yard.
12
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,755
That's a good idea, honey.
Just put it out with Buck's house.
13
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,834
You know how he likes to roll around
with your father's old things.
14
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,956
Well, I guess he's not finished...
15
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,948
...with your father's
"Home of the Whopper" jockey shorts.
16
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,670
Well, Peg, I got them.
17
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,633
Third row, centre aisle.
18
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,758
The best seats in the house
for the greatest show on earth.
19
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,752
What, Public Enemy?
20
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,312
Nirvana?
21
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,357
Carla and Her Disappearing
Vegetables?
22
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,674
l... I mean the rock group.
23
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,913
Not the blond stripper who's making
a squash disappear for Thanksgiving.
24
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,392
No, pig-in-training.
25
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,114
These are tickets
to The Jeffersons Live.
26
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,715
It's their "Moving On Up" tour.
27
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:05,632
What, was the Facts of Life
"Eating On Up" tour all sold out?
28
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,798
Oh, Marcie, I can't believe it.
29
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,190
We are actually gonna see
George and Weezy...
30
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,757
...perform episodes from their sitcom
live on stage.
31
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,231
Now, when you say "live"
do you mean...
32
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:23,157
...live as opposed to on TV,
or live as opposed to Daddy?
33
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,597
Look, we are talking
about the Jeffersons.
34
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,592
They made me understand
the greatness...
35
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,916
...of the African-American culture.
36
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,197
I used to think
I was a hip white chick...
37
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,596
...but then I saw George and Weezy...
38
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,469
...and they me realize
that I'm just a square honky peg...
39
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,188
...in a round, black world.
40
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:52,839
Well, I guess I can relate.
41
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:57,079
If Beavis and Butthead did a live show
90 years from now, I'd be there.
42
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,718
Kelly, Beavis and Butthead
are cartoons.
43
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,110
They prefer to be called
"dimensionally challenged," Bud.
44
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,670
- Why do I feel so alone?
- Because no one likes you?
45
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,153
Peg.
46
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,879
Peg, I got good news.
47
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,873
- So do we.
- No one cares.
48
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,438
Peg, I heard they're opening up...
49
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,710
...a brand-new sports bar
in the neighbourhood.
50
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,190
Finally, a place
a man can relax after work.
51
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,799
Well, what about home?
52
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,474
Finally, a place a man can relax
after work.
53
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,718
A place where women
bring you food.
54
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,111
Chips and pretzels,
nuts with sugar on them.
55
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,635
Al, you haven't even asked us
about our good news.
56
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,108
I'm sorry, Peg. What is it?
57
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,749
- We got four tickets...
- Another thing they'll have:
58
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,877
Twelve TVs,
each with a different game on.
59
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,394
Peg, I tell you, I'm so hot.
60
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,598
If Marcie wasn't here,
I'd take you on the floor right now.
61
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,631
Get out, Marcie.
62
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,795
Never mind. The mood has passed.
63
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,752
Well, all I can say is I'm glad
my man is evolved to the point...
64
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,912
...where he doesn't need
a sports bar to go to.
65
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,198
Hey, Al.
66
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,792
Did you hear
about the new sports bar?
67
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,272
Sure did.
68
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,636
Ickey Shuffle.
69
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,793
Did you hear they'll have a pair
of Ali's gloves on display?
70
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:51,716
- Yes, I did. And Mantle's spikes.
- Plus Michael Jordan's putter.
71
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,192
Yes, but are they gonna have the actual
door that George Jefferson slammed...
72
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,953
...in the Willis' face?
73
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,480
Speaking of Michael Jordan...
74
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:10,349
...I bet you don't know who was picked
ahead of him in the 1984 NBA draft.
75
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,558
- Sam Bowie. Went to the Trail Blazers.
- Good call, buddy.
76
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,559
All right, Al, I got one for you.
77
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,115
When was the last time the Cubs
won the World Series?
78
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,509
1908.
79
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,675
And you can't remember
the year we were married?
80
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,075
Same year, 1908.
81
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,791
Only difference is,
baseball's still interesting.
82
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:46,390
Well, maybe that's because
they score more than once a season.
83
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,832
Okay, Al.
84
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,312
I've got one that's gonna stump you.
85
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,637
All right, who was in the very first
light-beer commercial?
86
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,509
No problem. You're talking beer,
you're talking my language.
87
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,389
You're talking beer,
you're talking his belly.
88
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,589
Why do I have an uncontrollable urge
to play T-ball?
89
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,557
- The answer is Bubba Smith.
- Billy Martin.
90
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,792
Bubba Smith. Wore a blue shirt
with a black penguin on the pocket.
91
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,271
Hey, Al, what was I wearing
the day you met me?
92
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:27,589
Too much makeup.
93
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,237
- It was Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
94
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:32,754
- Billy.
- Bubba. Bubba.
95
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,035
- Bubba.
- Billy.
96
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,229
- Bubba.
- Billy.
97
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:40,395
Hello, Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms?
98
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,518
Yeah, I have an alcohol question.
99
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,955
Who was in the first light-beer
commercial? Now, I say...
100
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,833
Now, I say it was Bubba Smith,
but my friend here says it was...
101
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,359
Hello?
102
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,318
Hello?
103
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,555
He said it was Bubba.
104
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:03,993
- Billy.
- Bubba.
105
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,155
- Billy.
- Billy.
106
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,793
Bubba.
107
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,630
That's no fair.
You stole that from Bugs Bunny.
108
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,114
- Daffy.
- Bugs.
109
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,839
- Daffy. Daffy.
- Bugs. Bugs.
110
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:21,552
Hey, hey, why are you two introducing
yourselves to each other?
111
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,114
You guys have been doing this
for two days.
112
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,238
And we demand you pay us
some attention.
113
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,592
All right.
114
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,193
- Bubba.
- Billy.
115
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,668
You know what we can do?
116
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,950
We can ask them Friday night
at the sports bar.
117
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,191
- Yeah, great.
- Friday?
118
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,556
Friday night is our play.
119
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,833
What play?
120
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,436
The Jeffersons "Moving on Up" tour.
121
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,510
What are they moving on up to,
channel 99?
122
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,512
Al, we have been talking about this
for two days.
123
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,514
- You never listen to me.
- Well, why would I? I got a TV.
124
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:08,914
I know. It's the only thing
you've turned on in 20 years.
125
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,076
If you came with a remote
and mute button...
126
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,953
...I might turn you on too
every now and then.
127
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,038
Listen to me. I gotta be there opening
night. You know who's gonna be there?
128
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,475
Johnny Bench, Ernie Banks
and Joe Namath.
129
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,078
Yawn, gag and snore.
130
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,757
- Now, listen here, Peg.
- No, no, no, Al. You listen to me.
131
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,434
Now, you weren't there
when Kelly was born.
132
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,716
You weren't there
when Bud was born.
133
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,077
I don't think you were even there
when they were conceived.
134
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:46,830
Now, this play is important to me
and you will be there.
135
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,595
Do I even have to open my mouth?
136
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,228
Nope, nope. I'm there.
137
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:58,156
Moving on up to the East Side,
the West Side, all around the town.
138
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,068
Fine. Now that that's settled,
let's go buy some clothes.
139
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:07,108
Oh, you're right.
We must accessorize for the theatre.
140
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,192
Oh, God, how sad.
141
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,357
Anyway, Dad...
142
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,275
...I just heard the sports bar's opening
the same night as the Jeffersons tour.
143
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,592
Which one are you going to?
144
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,068
Yeah.
145
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:40,548
Kids, you wanna do old Dad a favour
before he kills you?
146
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,436
You know, they call Chicago
the second city...
147
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,995
...because we're supposed to
be inferior to New York.
148
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,949
But with theatre like this,
we have nothing to be ashamed of.
149
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,191
Let's open our
"Moving On Up" souvenir bags.
150
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,718
We can use them
when our dinner starts moving on up.
151
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,355
Okay, Al. Who am I?
152
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,397
Patrick Ewing?
153
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,877
No, you Philistine. I'm Weezy.
154
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,678
Well, I'm woozy.
155
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,997
Ladies and gentlemen, a brief
announcement before our show starts.
156
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:37,234
Tonight the role of Ralph the Doorman
will be played by Erik Estrada.
157
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,075
Well, he was Ponch.
158
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,108
There go the lights.
159
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,157
You know what we have to do.
160
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:59,076
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the Jeffersons.
161
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,955
Look at this, Jefferson.
Every sport known to man.
162
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,679
Baseball, football...
163
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,272
...girls in bikinis
wrestling in lettuce.
164
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,516
Jefferson, if I thought
heaven was like this...
165
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,274
...l'd have put a bullet
in my brain years ago.
166
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:04,832
If I thought you had a chance in hell
of getting in, I'd do it for you, buddy.
167
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,271
- Thanks, man. I love you.
- Yeah.
168
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,512
Al, Al. Over there.
169
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,958
It's Ernie Banks.
Gotta get a picture with him!
170
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,196
Wait a second. You can't just go up
to Mr. Cub and drool all over him.
171
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,795
That's a... That's a legend,
a Hall of Famer.
172
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,270
You gotta respect his privacy.
173
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,432
You know, you... Shoot it, damn it!
174
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,989
I'm blind.
175
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:39,836
You hit 512 homers. Imagine how good
you'd be if you could see.
176
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,752
We're just kidding, Ernie. You okay?
177
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,912
- Yeah, I guess.
- Good. Shoot, Al!
178
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,394
- Thanks, pal.
- Ernie Banks.
179
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,596
I can't see.
180
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,112
What a great guy.
181
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,554
Officer Dan. Let me guess.
182
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,472
Jeffersons Live.
183
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,395
I would have been here sooner,
but my kids showed up late.
184
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,079
Okay, watch this, Al.
185
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,756
Now, Florence is gonna hold up
a jock strap and say, "What's that?"
186
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,275
And then George is gonna say,
"That's my cup."
187
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:49,638
And she's gonna say, " How the heck
you gonna drink out of that?"
188
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,832
- What's that?
- Oh, that's my cup.
189
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,149
How the heck
do you drink out of that?
190
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,870
And you wanted to go
to a sports bar.
191
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,669
Hey, where's the guy
who says "Dynomite"?
192
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,828
No, that's the other show,
Gimme a Strok e.
193
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,792
This is the lowest thing
that I have ever done.
194
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,677
Okay, the lowest thing
I've ever been paid to do.
195
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:33,719
Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been
paid to do that I didn't enjoy.
196
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,593
If you ask me, the Willis'
were way ahead of their time.
197
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,238
Your hands are moist like mine.
198
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,234
But then watching The Jeffersons
always made me horny.
199
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:58,995
What say the next time the scenes
change and the lights go out, we...
200
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,356
What's wrong with women?
Don't they know what real fun is?
201
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:12,309
I know what you mean.
Check out Shaquille's foot.
202
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,670
The size of it alone
is better than anything...
203
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,717
...the Jeffersons have ever done.
- Yeah.
204
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,757
And look at that
massive hand imprint.
205
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,558
Who's is it? Wilt Chamberlain's?
206
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,633
"Martina Navratilova."
207
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,551
You know what they say
about big hands?
208
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,270
- Johnny Bench!
- Johnny Bench!
209
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,398
Quick!
210
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,231
Get a picture!
211
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,830
It's okay. He never won a pennant.
212
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,119
Or scored four touchdowns
in a single game, eh, John?
213
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,996
- Who is that guy?
- How do I know? I'm blind.
214
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,835
We never settled our bet about who
was in the first light-beer commercial.
215
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,789
Now, there must be somebody around
here that knows it was Billy Martin.
216
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,753
There must be somebody here
that knows it was Bubba Smith.
217
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,468
Wait a second.
I know just who to ask.
218
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,829
Yo, barkeep.
219
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,234
Joe Namath! Give me the camera!
220
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,836
I'm blind.
221
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,719
Joe...
222
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,871
Joe, l... I've followed your career
from Alabama to Super Bowl III...
223
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,590
...to that pain-ointment thing
you do now.
224
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,958
Thanks.
225
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,276
- You a shoe salesman?
- Yeah.
226
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,351
Told you.
227
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,114
You... You know, Joe,
I got just one question for you.
228
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,750
Oh, I know, I know. Did I really believe
I'd win the Super Bowl?
229
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,228
No, no.
230
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,749
Who was in the first
light-beer commercial?
231
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,199
Who cares?
232
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,428
See, he said Bubba.
233
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,033
It was Billy.
234
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,589
I couldn't help
overhearing you two...
235
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,879
...and after sucking down 20 cold ones
and a couple of warm ones...
236
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,714
...my memory and my bladder
have been jogged.
237
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,555
- It was Bubba Smith.
- Thank you.
238
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,555
And that's the law talking.
239
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,995
It was Billy Martin.
I know, I have it on tape.
240
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,708
Bubba Smith. I know,
I don't know anything except that.
241
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,273
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
242
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,198
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
243
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,749
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
244
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,874
I cannot believe
this actually worked.
245
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:54,318
Mom was so convinced I was Dad,
she picked my pocket during the show.
246
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,316
What are you complaining about?
At least you didn't get a hickey.
247
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,077
- Billy Martin!
- Bubba Smith!
248
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,072
- Billy Martin!
- Bubba Smith!
249
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:10,950
Fellas, fellas, fellas.
Now, what are we fighting about?
250
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,839
Here we are in the playground
of the gods.
251
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:17,152
We got bimbos on the tube,
we got the law on the floor...
252
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,630
...we got sugar on our nuts...
253
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,591
...and we got our wives
at The Jeffersons.
254
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,992
Who gives a rat's patoot who was
in the first light-beer commercial?
255
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,993
- He's right!
- Yeah.
256
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:35,153
Especially since we all know
it was Bubba Smith.
257
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,471
Sometimes I wish I was back
in the game, where it's safe.
258
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,199
You left the game?
259
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,749
Two years after my knees did.
260
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,675
Watch it, now! Watch it, now!
261
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,070
Watch it, now!
262
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,759
- Billy Martin!
- Bubba Smith!
263
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,752
- Billy Martin!
- Bubba Smith!
264
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,077
Jefferson, watch my camera!
265
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,116
I got it, Al.
266
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,908
You have the right to remain...
267
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,830
...unconscious.
268
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,277
I'll kill you. I'm gonna kill you.
269
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,799
Well, did you learn your lesson?
270
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,871
We have.
271
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,715
It was a pretty good sports-trivia
bar-fight, though, hey, buddy?
272
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,508
The best.
273
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,398
Give me five.
274
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:03,599
On second thought...
275
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,035
...give me one five times.
276
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,437
Well, boys,
we'll see you in about a week.
277
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,433
We're going to see
the "Moving On Up" tour in Milwaukee.
278
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:19,673
Yeah, we bought a "See America
With the Jeffersons" rail pass.
279
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,559
It includes transportation,
theatre tickets...
280
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,076
...and a box lunch with both Lionels.
281
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,232
Can we get you anything
before we go?
282
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:33,473
- As a matter of fact, my pain medicine...
- Gotta run. See you later.
283
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:39,148
Oh, well, at least they're gone
and we've got a game on the tube.
284
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:50,270
And now stay tuned for
our 24-hour Jeffersons marathon.
285
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:55,119
Starting with
"The Jeffersons Go to Hawaii."
286
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,510
Hey, now, kids. Hey, now!
287
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,557
Change the channel here!
288
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,233
Oh, my God.
It's Weezy in a bathing suit!1
00:01:25,086 --> 00:01:27,281
Hi, Kel. What are you listening to?
2
00:01:27,486 --> 00:01:31,081
Radio Love-Line.
It's listener-dedication hour.
3
00:01:31,286 --> 00:01:33,595
How many dedications did I get?
4
00:01:36,046 --> 00:01:37,604
Three, actually.
5
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,922
"Lonely Boy"...
6
00:01:40,206 --> 00:01:42,481
..."Like a Virgin"...
7
00:01:43,766 --> 00:01:47,361
...and "When A Man Loves
A Rubber Woman."
8
00:01:52,606 --> 00:01:54,801
And I suppose you got
your usual dedication:
9
00:01:55,006 --> 00:01:57,236
"She Works Hard for the Money."
10
00:01:59,966 --> 00:02:02,719
Well, whatever gave you the idea
that I am some cheap tramp?
11
00:02:02,926 --> 00:02:05,724
And now, dedicated to Kelly.
12
00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:08,201
"She Works Hard For..."
13
00:02:16,966 --> 00:02:19,844
Oh, hi, Mom. Bud broke your radio.
14
00:02:20,086 --> 00:02:22,554
That's okay. It was your father's.
15
00:02:22,766 --> 00:02:24,802
Hey, kids, look what just came
in the mail.
16
00:02:25,006 --> 00:02:28,919
It's my first Best of Oprah
videocassette.
17
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:33,764
"Volume one:
Mom's a Dad and I'm So Sad."
18
00:02:42,486 --> 00:02:45,319
If the world had only one throat...
19
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:49,719
A fat woman
sloshed into the shoe store today...
20
00:02:49,926 --> 00:02:52,565
...said she was retaining water.
21
00:02:52,766 --> 00:02:54,916
I said not to worry about it.
22
00:02:55,126 --> 00:02:56,844
The dam of cellulite
holding it back...
23
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:59,719
...should keep us all high and dry
for the next few years.
24
00:02:59,926 --> 00:03:03,043
Now, I don't know when they started
letting women carry stun guns...
25
00:03:03,246 --> 00:03:04,645
...but I'll tell you this...
26
00:03:04,846 --> 00:03:09,362
There he goes again.
On and on about his non-life.
27
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,803
Hey, news flash, people.
You have a dog.
28
00:03:13,046 --> 00:03:16,675
A dog who hasn't been brushed
or bathed in six years.
29
00:03:16,886 --> 00:03:19,446
Now I know how Willie Nelson feels.
30
00:03:20,886 --> 00:03:25,676
Hey, don't mind me. I'll just lick
my genitalia and go to sleep alone.
31
00:03:26,286 --> 00:03:28,720
Much lik e the boy.
32
00:03:29,686 --> 00:03:31,199
Hey, ever hear of affection?
33
00:03:31,406 --> 00:03:35,115
We love to be petted,
much lik e the girl.
34
00:03:36,326 --> 00:03:41,195
Well, that's it. I'm fed up.
I can tak es no more. I'm out of here.
35
00:03:42,246 --> 00:03:44,202
No, no, no.
Don't try and stop me now.
36
00:03:45,606 --> 00:03:48,120
Well, thank you.
37
00:03:49,566 --> 00:03:51,716
Okay, you'll be sorry.
38
00:03:56,646 --> 00:03:58,204
Boy, am I sorry.
39
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,523
Running away,
what the hell was I thinking?
40
00:04:01,726 --> 00:04:05,082
Hey, you. New dog.
What are you in for?
41
00:04:05,326 --> 00:04:08,523
I ran away from home
to teach my family a lesson.
42
00:04:08,766 --> 00:04:10,404
Well, you know what they say.
43
00:04:10,606 --> 00:04:13,837
"You can't teach an old family
new tricks."
44
00:04:14,406 --> 00:04:15,725
That's what you think.
45
00:04:15,926 --> 00:04:19,555
I'm sure right now my family's
beside themselves with grief.
46
00:04:21,166 --> 00:04:23,555
So then, this skinny woman
with a hook nose...
47
00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,842
...Olive Oyls into the shoe store...
48
00:04:26,046 --> 00:04:28,606
...and says, " I want something
to make me look sexy."
49
00:04:28,806 --> 00:04:32,037
So I say, "You'll have to wait
a long time before someone that ugly...
50
00:04:32,246 --> 00:04:34,806
...comes in to stand next to you."
51
00:04:37,686 --> 00:04:39,199
Excuse me, boy.
52
00:04:39,406 --> 00:04:44,480
Now, I don't know when they started
letting women carry nunchucks...
53
00:04:45,206 --> 00:04:48,960
Yeah, they're probably crying
their eyes out for me right now.
54
00:04:52,966 --> 00:04:55,639
Hey, what's the boxer in for?
55
00:04:55,886 --> 00:04:58,844
Oh, nothing, if you hear him tell it.
56
00:05:00,766 --> 00:05:03,519
I'm innocent. Innocent.
57
00:05:08,966 --> 00:05:11,764
You know I'm innocent, don't you?
58
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:16,325
Only in America
with our system of jurisprudence...
59
00:05:16,526 --> 00:05:22,761
...would this have happened
to an upstanding boxer lik e yourself!
60
00:05:23,806 --> 00:05:25,524
And who's that over there?
61
00:05:26,486 --> 00:05:29,683
Oh, that's Madonna's dog.
62
00:05:29,926 --> 00:05:33,635
After the book came out,
he turned himself in.
63
00:05:36,606 --> 00:05:39,882
So how does it work around here?
I mean, lik e, when do we eat?
64
00:05:40,126 --> 00:05:42,117
Eat? Let's see, it's almost 9...
65
00:05:42,326 --> 00:05:44,362
About three days from now.
66
00:05:45,526 --> 00:05:48,518
That soon? Hey!
67
00:05:49,606 --> 00:05:53,440
I think I'm gonna lik e this place.
Yeah, too bad I won't be here long.
68
00:05:53,646 --> 00:05:56,763
I mean, not with my family
out searching for me.
69
00:06:01,286 --> 00:06:04,437
So then, this woman comes in...
70
00:06:04,846 --> 00:06:07,201
...who doesn't speak English.
71
00:06:07,646 --> 00:06:11,525
She points at the shoes,
I point at the door.
72
00:06:12,046 --> 00:06:16,517
She points at the sky,
and knees me in the nay-nays.
73
00:06:17,966 --> 00:06:19,479
I said...
74
00:06:19,686 --> 00:06:21,438
- Come in!
- Come in!
75
00:06:24,366 --> 00:06:26,004
Hi, Bud.
76
00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:33,764
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
77
00:06:33,966 --> 00:06:35,194
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no. Not at all!
78
00:06:35,446 --> 00:06:37,516
- We're very excited to see you.
- Sit down.
79
00:06:37,726 --> 00:06:39,956
See you later. Bye.
80
00:06:42,166 --> 00:06:45,841
Hey, Al, when was the last time
you got some good news?
81
00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:51,324
Well, when I was 7
my mother told me I was adopted.
82
00:06:51,886 --> 00:06:55,720
Which turned out to be a vicious lie,
but it was good news at the time.
83
00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:58,276
Well, guess what's happening
in a week from now?
84
00:06:58,486 --> 00:07:03,719
The nudie bar is having their annual
Wrestle Till You're Raw Night.
85
00:07:05,326 --> 00:07:06,759
Is it that time of year already?
86
00:07:06,966 --> 00:07:10,276
God, time sure flies
when you're married and have no life.
87
00:07:11,606 --> 00:07:14,962
They're selling raffle tickets
for a drawing to see who gets to...
88
00:07:15,166 --> 00:07:16,918
...oil down the first girl.
89
00:07:20,246 --> 00:07:23,079
Yes, first oil.
90
00:07:24,046 --> 00:07:27,243
And you know who's gonna be
in the ring, don't you, buddy?
91
00:07:28,086 --> 00:07:31,237
Maria Cantalopes Meyers?
92
00:07:33,846 --> 00:07:38,636
Versus
Yolanda "Deep Shade" McSuade.
93
00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:41,680
Wow, truly a battle of the titans.
94
00:07:43,086 --> 00:07:47,602
Maria and the Shadester.
Four of my favourites.
95
00:07:49,726 --> 00:07:53,036
Jefferson, I have to be the one
to get that first oil.
96
00:07:53,246 --> 00:07:55,555
- How much are tickets?
- Twenty bucks a piece.
97
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,199
A little steep, huh?
98
00:07:59,806 --> 00:08:02,525
Yolanda and Maria.
99
00:08:02,846 --> 00:08:04,325
All right, well...
100
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:07,518
...turn around. I don't want you
to see where I hide the money.
101
00:08:16,566 --> 00:08:20,320
Gee, I wonder what's taking
the family so long.
102
00:08:20,526 --> 00:08:24,235
I mean, they sure act fast enough
when the blond girl gets lost.
103
00:08:25,086 --> 00:08:28,965
Of course, unlik e her
I've never got lost in the house.
104
00:08:30,726 --> 00:08:31,920
They'll be here.
105
00:08:35,926 --> 00:08:39,362
Poor fella.
I hate to see him suffer lik e that.
106
00:08:39,566 --> 00:08:40,965
Me too.
107
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:44,203
Shall we tell him he's gonna die?
108
00:08:45,126 --> 00:08:48,004
Yeah, why not. Hey, you, buckaroo.
109
00:08:48,206 --> 00:08:51,835
There's something you ought
to know about this place.
110
00:08:52,086 --> 00:08:56,477
Hey. Hey, hey, hey!
I'm not anyone's bitch, okay?
111
00:09:03,486 --> 00:09:06,637
No. No, not that.
112
00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:10,044
Too bad though, he is a look er.
113
00:09:10,966 --> 00:09:15,039
You better hope somebody comes in
to get you in seven days or less.
114
00:09:15,646 --> 00:09:17,602
What happens after seven days?
115
00:09:17,846 --> 00:09:21,236
Well, let's say you'll be drinking
out of God's toilet.
116
00:09:22,446 --> 00:09:25,040
You mean, I'll... I'll be dead?
117
00:09:25,246 --> 00:09:28,921
Whoa, that's certainly a cage soiler.
118
00:09:29,846 --> 00:09:31,404
Hey, but I'm not worried. I mean...
119
00:09:31,606 --> 00:09:34,120
...I got four people
scouring the city for me right now.
120
00:09:34,326 --> 00:09:35,725
Lik e, there's Bud, you know?
121
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,716
Well, if he can't even find
a two-legged dog...
122
00:09:40,926 --> 00:09:43,394
...why would I think
he'd find a four-legged one?
123
00:09:44,646 --> 00:09:49,276
Oh, but the girl...
The girl... is an idiot.
124
00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:54,041
I wouldn't have any use for her at all
if she didn't undress in front of me.
125
00:09:54,926 --> 00:09:56,200
Well, the redhead...
126
00:09:56,406 --> 00:09:57,805
She wouldn't know I was gone...
127
00:09:58,006 --> 00:10:01,601
...unless my picture
was on the side of a bonbon box.
128
00:10:02,286 --> 00:10:06,165
I guess my only hope is
the big dumb guy with the stinky feet.
129
00:10:06,926 --> 00:10:08,518
My pal Al.
130
00:10:08,726 --> 00:10:10,239
He won't let me down.
131
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:13,205
Besides, what else does he got going
in his life?
132
00:10:17,206 --> 00:10:20,198
But... But I don't wanna die!
I mean, I've got so much to live for.
133
00:10:20,406 --> 00:10:24,922
I got balls yet to catch,
and cats to tree, bones to bury.
134
00:10:25,126 --> 00:10:28,596
Gee, come to think of it,
we don't really do much, do we?
135
00:10:44,366 --> 00:10:46,721
How does he do that?
136
00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:51,444
Ever since his people had him fixed
he doesn't date much.
137
00:10:52,326 --> 00:10:53,725
Oh, I see.
138
00:10:53,926 --> 00:10:56,599
Hey, look, guys. I know
I'm only the new kid on death row...
139
00:10:56,806 --> 00:11:00,355
...but given what seems to be in store,
shouldn't we be knee deep in our own...
140
00:11:00,606 --> 00:11:04,884
Keep your fur on,
tall, dark and wormy.
141
00:11:05,086 --> 00:11:06,838
It's visitor's day.
142
00:11:07,086 --> 00:11:09,998
Why, we could get abducted.
143
00:11:14,526 --> 00:11:17,882
No, no. He means adopted.
144
00:11:18,086 --> 00:11:21,874
If a family comes in and lik es you,
you're sprung.
145
00:11:28,246 --> 00:11:31,716
Hey, pick me.
I'm really good with kids.
146
00:11:31,926 --> 00:11:34,235
Hey, hey!
147
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:43,762
Hey, lady. I'm a genius in French,
so you'll tak e me, please.
148
00:11:46,486 --> 00:11:48,556
I want this one.
149
00:11:48,766 --> 00:11:52,918
Oh, but, honey, he's old and ugly.
150
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:55,525
Yeah, well, from where I stand...
151
00:11:55,726 --> 00:11:58,798
...you're not exactly
Sharon Stone yourself.
152
00:12:03,686 --> 00:12:06,359
How about we forget the whole thing
and go get an ice cream?
153
00:12:06,566 --> 00:12:09,763
- Okay.
- Good boy!
154
00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:18,925
I am not giving up!
155
00:12:19,126 --> 00:12:22,357
If that family can look for a dog,
my family can look for a dog.
156
00:12:22,566 --> 00:12:26,241
Besides, I've got seven days.
No problem.
157
00:12:30,366 --> 00:12:32,926
Problem.
158
00:12:34,526 --> 00:12:39,156
Al, have you noticed anything different
around the house lately?
159
00:12:39,766 --> 00:12:43,520
You know, I just can't help but feel
that there is something missing...
160
00:12:43,726 --> 00:12:47,196
...and I am very observant
about these things.
161
00:12:47,486 --> 00:12:49,477
Eat up, boy.
162
00:13:01,446 --> 00:13:03,641
Well, Peg, what do you think?
163
00:13:04,486 --> 00:13:07,319
That is the most disgusting tie
I've ever seen.
164
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:11,318
I'm not talking about the tie,
I'm talking about the shirt.
165
00:13:11,966 --> 00:13:14,958
Look okay? I wanna look my best
for Wrestle Till You're Raw Night.
166
00:13:15,166 --> 00:13:18,522
You know, Larry Linville from M* A*S*H
is gonna be one of the judges.
167
00:13:20,726 --> 00:13:24,116
So did Lumber City
give him the week off?
168
00:13:24,926 --> 00:13:28,396
I'm going to the frat house.
How you doing, boy?
169
00:13:28,646 --> 00:13:33,197
Hey, Bud, have you noticed
anything missing around here lately?
170
00:13:34,886 --> 00:13:36,638
The van Gogh?
171
00:13:38,286 --> 00:13:40,481
Mom, Dad, you're never gonna guess
what happened.
172
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:43,325
Okay, I was out walking Buck.
173
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:45,600
When suddenly I realized...
174
00:13:45,806 --> 00:13:49,082
...that he wasn't stopping
at every tree and hydrant on the block.
175
00:13:49,966 --> 00:13:52,480
And that's when I looked down
at the end of the leash...
176
00:13:52,686 --> 00:13:55,200
...and saw that I was Buck-naked.
177
00:14:01,326 --> 00:14:03,078
I knew something was missing.
178
00:14:03,286 --> 00:14:06,323
He couldn't have been gone for long.
His food got eaten every day.
179
00:14:06,526 --> 00:14:08,323
Al?
180
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,318
Oh, Buck's gone.
181
00:14:16,526 --> 00:14:17,845
Okay now, kids...
182
00:14:18,046 --> 00:14:22,676
...go outside and look under the house
where your father usually hides.
183
00:14:22,886 --> 00:14:26,595
I'm gonna go get a flashlight.
We gotta find Buck.
184
00:14:31,326 --> 00:14:33,317
Buck's gone?
185
00:14:55,926 --> 00:14:57,484
- Nudie-mart!
- Nudie-mart!
186
00:14:57,686 --> 00:14:58,914
- All right!
- All right!
187
00:14:59,526 --> 00:15:01,357
Oh, bad news, Al.
188
00:15:01,566 --> 00:15:04,717
They didn't draw my number
for first oil but...
189
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:07,360
...they drew yours.
190
00:15:10,606 --> 00:15:12,483
Okay, you ready, Dad?
191
00:15:12,726 --> 00:15:16,036
- Ready for what?
- To go find Buck.
192
00:15:16,286 --> 00:15:19,562
Well, I'll keep my eyes peeled
from here to the nudie bar. Let's go.
193
00:15:19,806 --> 00:15:24,038
Dad! Buck is the family dog and
the whole family should look for him.
194
00:15:24,286 --> 00:15:26,083
Oh, pumpkin!
195
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,840
Now, if you were a dog,
where would you go?
196
00:15:29,086 --> 00:15:30,883
Well, that depends.
197
00:15:31,086 --> 00:15:33,475
Are you a dog too?
198
00:15:35,006 --> 00:15:38,157
Al, I am serious. Buck could be hurt.
199
00:15:38,406 --> 00:15:40,317
He could be lying in the gutter, Dad.
200
00:15:40,886 --> 00:15:44,845
Did it ever occur to any of you
that Buck might have just run away?
201
00:15:45,046 --> 00:15:47,958
I've thought of it myself
a million times.
202
00:15:48,286 --> 00:15:51,084
He could be eating a steak right now,
drinking a daiquiri...
203
00:15:51,286 --> 00:15:54,437
...or doing that little cocker spaniel
down the end of the street.
204
00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:56,485
Our dog Buck...
205
00:15:56,686 --> 00:16:00,565
...might for the first time in his life
be truly happy.
206
00:16:01,526 --> 00:16:03,323
Who cares? We want him back.
207
00:16:03,526 --> 00:16:04,754
Yeah, we want Buck.
208
00:16:04,966 --> 00:16:06,684
- Yeah, Dad.
- Dad, go find Buck.
209
00:16:06,886 --> 00:16:08,399
I don't wanna have to go get...
210
00:16:08,606 --> 00:16:12,201
Look, Al, I know you're in a bind,
but it's a quarter till.
211
00:16:13,246 --> 00:16:16,795
Go ahead. Try to hold off the pouring
of the first oil. I'll get in the car...
212
00:16:17,006 --> 00:16:20,203
...go around the block a few times
to find him. Shouldn't take long.
213
00:16:20,406 --> 00:16:22,397
I'd like to...
214
00:16:22,966 --> 00:16:25,844
Oh. Now, now, honey.
215
00:16:26,046 --> 00:16:29,436
It's okay. Daddy'll find Buck.
216
00:16:30,246 --> 00:16:33,397
Has he ever let you down before?
217
00:16:35,966 --> 00:16:38,355
Oh, it's okay, honey.
218
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:39,760
You know, just remember...
219
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,321
...Daddy loves Buck
just as much as we do.
220
00:16:42,526 --> 00:16:43,925
They're best friends.
221
00:16:46,686 --> 00:16:48,404
Well...
222
00:16:49,086 --> 00:16:51,475
...I found Buck. Now here, I gotta go.
223
00:16:52,046 --> 00:16:54,355
Hey, wait a second!
224
00:17:06,206 --> 00:17:08,003
This isn't Buck.
225
00:17:09,206 --> 00:17:12,721
Well, that may be, but I still gotta go.
226
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,634
Okay, Al. Now, look...
227
00:17:19,846 --> 00:17:21,723
...if pouring some oil
on some women...
228
00:17:21,926 --> 00:17:25,362
...that even Senator Packwood
wouldn't grope...
229
00:17:27,086 --> 00:17:28,519
...is more important to you...
230
00:17:28,726 --> 00:17:31,445
...than reuniting
your faithful and loving puppy...
231
00:17:31,646 --> 00:17:35,321
...with your faithful and loving family,
then just go.
232
00:17:35,526 --> 00:17:39,644
But know that we'll be here
crying our eyes out.
233
00:17:40,606 --> 00:17:43,518
Okay, okay.
234
00:17:44,206 --> 00:17:46,879
- Bye.
- Get back here.
235
00:17:47,086 --> 00:17:51,682
Well, Peg, Buck'll come home.
I always do.
236
00:17:52,006 --> 00:17:55,635
Don't you know
tonight is very important to me.
237
00:18:05,406 --> 00:18:08,079
Oh, not the theme to Lassie.
238
00:18:08,926 --> 00:18:11,884
Anything but the theme to Lassie.
You know how it chokes me up.
239
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:24,235
All right, let's go find him.
Let's go find Buck.
240
00:18:24,446 --> 00:18:26,721
And I really hate you guys for this.
241
00:18:26,926 --> 00:18:29,724
Well, not just for this,
but especially this.
242
00:18:32,006 --> 00:18:34,645
Oh, Lassie.
243
00:18:40,846 --> 00:18:43,280
They're not really gonna tak e me
to the green door?
244
00:18:43,526 --> 00:18:48,202
The Lord is my German shepherd,
I shall not want.
245
00:18:53,806 --> 00:18:56,400
Doesn't he know any other songs?
246
00:19:01,886 --> 00:19:05,925
- What was that?
- Be at peace, my son.
247
00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:08,805
Oh, put a sock in it, padre.
248
00:19:11,006 --> 00:19:12,962
If only my people
would come for me.
249
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:14,918
I promise, I'd never run away again...
250
00:19:15,126 --> 00:19:19,517
...or chew on their shoes, or pass wind
and watch as they blame it on the boy.
251
00:19:22,446 --> 00:19:24,004
It's... It's them!
252
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,919
What is it, Peg? Why we've been
to about 40 of these places.
253
00:19:27,126 --> 00:19:28,844
This is the last one, Al.
254
00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:31,680
They've come to rescue me!
255
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,877
Gosh...
256
00:19:34,646 --> 00:19:36,477
I knew they wouldn't forget me.
257
00:19:37,086 --> 00:19:38,678
Well...
258
00:19:39,046 --> 00:19:41,002
...he's not here.
259
00:19:41,766 --> 00:19:45,122
Hey! Hey, yes, I am!
Hey, look down, you moron!
260
00:19:45,366 --> 00:19:47,755
Well, are you sure, Al?
I mean, maybe we should...
261
00:19:47,966 --> 00:19:50,480
Peg, don't you think if Buck were here
he'd be barking?
262
00:19:51,326 --> 00:19:54,557
I know, because a man and his dog
have a bond.
263
00:19:54,766 --> 00:19:57,485
And if... Will you shut up, you mutt?
264
00:19:58,246 --> 00:20:01,238
Oh, look at the cute puppies.
Hey, Daddy, can we get a puppy?
265
00:20:02,806 --> 00:20:05,115
Oh, this one just licked my face.
266
00:20:05,326 --> 00:20:07,760
"This dog lick ed my face."
267
00:20:07,966 --> 00:20:11,163
You should have seen where
his tongue was a few minutes ago.
268
00:20:12,846 --> 00:20:15,201
Fools, I'm down here.
269
00:20:15,446 --> 00:20:17,755
Puppy'll cost you $15.
270
00:20:18,006 --> 00:20:22,397
And could you speed it up a little bit.
I got an execution to do.
271
00:20:25,646 --> 00:20:30,242
Wait a second.
This big one looks a little like Buck.
272
00:20:31,046 --> 00:20:33,116
Well, that couldn't be.
273
00:20:33,686 --> 00:20:35,199
You know the irony in this is...
274
00:20:35,406 --> 00:20:38,284
...they should be putting you guys
to sleep in 30 seconds.
275
00:20:39,326 --> 00:20:40,395
Well, wait a minute now.
276
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:41,755
- That is Buck!
- It is Buck!
277
00:20:41,966 --> 00:20:43,194
- Buck! Buck!
- It is Buck!
278
00:20:43,446 --> 00:20:45,482
Hey, hey, hey. That's our dog.
279
00:20:45,686 --> 00:20:48,723
- He'll cost you 20 bucks.
- Twenty bucks?
280
00:20:48,926 --> 00:20:52,077
Why, for 20 bucks
I can get a real good suit.
281
00:20:52,326 --> 00:20:56,524
The fathead losered his way
into the pound today...
282
00:20:57,726 --> 00:21:00,445
Well, I guess we'll take the old boy.
Yeah.
283
00:21:00,646 --> 00:21:02,602
And we're never gonna let this
happen again.
284
00:21:02,806 --> 00:21:05,604
Yeah. Everything's gonna be different
from now on, Buck.
285
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:08,161
That's right. We're gonna play
and we're gonna romp.
286
00:21:08,366 --> 00:21:10,561
We'll bathe you.
We'll even feed you, Buck.
287
00:21:10,766 --> 00:21:14,725
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Oh, Buck boy. So good.
288
00:21:23,966 --> 00:21:28,084
Kelly, the Best of Oprah. Volume Two
just came.
289
00:21:28,286 --> 00:21:30,277
Here we go.
290
00:21:30,646 --> 00:21:32,637
"The Cross and the double-cross.
291
00:21:32,886 --> 00:21:35,878
Catholic men
who dress like women."
292
00:21:37,406 --> 00:21:40,239
Hey, Ma, think Dad'll let me use
the car tonight?
293
00:21:40,446 --> 00:21:42,801
Well, depends on what mood he's in.
294
00:21:43,046 --> 00:21:47,722
I wish the world were a fly
and I was a giant rolled-up newspaper.
295
00:21:48,566 --> 00:21:49,635
Here we go.
296
00:21:49,886 --> 00:21:53,435
A fat woman clip-clopped
into the shoe store today...
297
00:21:54,006 --> 00:21:56,395
...and said, " I need something
I'd be comfortable in."
298
00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:59,040
I said, "Try Wyoming."
299
00:22:03,646 --> 00:22:07,480
Now, I don't know when they started
letting women carry chain saws...
300
00:22:07,966 --> 00:22:11,436
Oh, lik e your family's any better.1
00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:18,786
God, men are stupid.
2
00:01:24,630 --> 00:01:26,746
And then there's Al.
3
00:01:27,270 --> 00:01:30,103
I can't believe he is really
at the park playing football...
4
00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:32,426
...with Aaron and a bunch
of college boys.
5
00:01:32,670 --> 00:01:34,865
Well, why? He says he's in shape.
6
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:39,179
Oh, please. If Al didn't have to bend
over to steal our paper every morning...
7
00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:41,625
...he wouldn't get any exercise at all.
8
00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:47,069
Yeah, but, you know, in Al's defence,
football has always meant a lot to him.
9
00:01:47,310 --> 00:01:51,383
In fact, it's the only time
he can still go deep.
10
00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,986
Besides, what could go wrong?
11
00:01:57,510 --> 00:02:01,059
Mrs. Bundy, something's gone wrong.
12
00:02:01,470 --> 00:02:03,267
It's your husband's back.
13
00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:07,503
For the last time, I tell you, I'm fine.
I'm fine, I tell you!
14
00:02:08,550 --> 00:02:11,383
Easy, now.
15
00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:22,981
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
- Why, is the pain too much?
16
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,585
No, I see a nickel.
17
00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:30,783
All right, get me on the couch.
18
00:02:40,630 --> 00:02:43,144
Football is so stupid.
19
00:02:43,390 --> 00:02:46,860
Why don't you men do something
positive with your free time?
20
00:02:47,110 --> 00:02:50,022
Do you know what my women's group
and I were doing this morning?
21
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:54,024
Having "This side up" mowed
into the hair on their chests?
22
00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:59,739
No. Actually, we were
at an environmental seminar...
23
00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:03,665
...discussing ways to save
the nation's topsoil.
24
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:07,187
And I can see
by the back of your neck here...
25
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:10,024
...that you've already done
more than your part.
26
00:03:10,670 --> 00:03:11,898
How bad is it, Aaron?
27
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,378
We took him to my doctor.
28
00:03:13,590 --> 00:03:15,979
He says all Mr. Bundy needs
is a minor operation.
29
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:18,983
They make this little circular incision
in his lower back...
30
00:03:19,230 --> 00:03:22,108
...ease the pressure off his spine,
and he's good as new.
31
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,427
Good going, crazy legs.
32
00:03:24,670 --> 00:03:26,308
Now you need an operation.
33
00:03:26,550 --> 00:03:29,383
I'm fine! Don't you see, I'm fine!
34
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:33,502
Fine? Fine for what, Al?
35
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:38,028
Starring in the circus
as Bundo the Fiddler Crab Boy?
36
00:03:38,990 --> 00:03:42,619
Ringing bells in
a clock tower somewhere?
37
00:03:42,910 --> 00:03:47,188
Granted, they're both higher-paying
jobs than the one you have now.
38
00:03:47,430 --> 00:03:49,819
But I would imagine
that by the time you get home...
39
00:03:50,070 --> 00:03:52,459
...you'd wanna be fully erect.
40
00:03:54,390 --> 00:03:56,142
But then again...
41
00:03:57,790 --> 00:04:01,783
You know, our coach taught us some
great massage techniques for the back.
42
00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:03,429
Yeah, you wanna give it a try?
43
00:04:03,670 --> 00:04:05,262
Well, I don't mind...
44
00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:11,866
Oh, there goes my back again.
45
00:04:14,790 --> 00:04:17,543
Could you boys help me home
and up the stairs...
46
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:21,499
...and into my bedroom and out
of these uncomfortable clothes?
47
00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:24,184
Well, sure.
Only if it'll make you feel better.
48
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,785
Oh, it will. It will.
49
00:04:27,190 --> 00:04:29,704
You boys like pina coladas?
50
00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,463
Where you going, Peg?
51
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:39,305
I am calling the hospital
about your operation.
52
00:04:43,910 --> 00:04:45,263
Al...
53
00:04:45,510 --> 00:04:47,068
...look at you.
54
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:50,985
- You have got to get this taken care of.
- But I'm fine.
55
00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:52,902
You are going to the hospital.
56
00:04:53,150 --> 00:04:55,584
I am not going to the hos...
57
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:01,343
All I need is a hot shower
and a little bit of rest.
58
00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:04,548
You'll see, by tomorrow
I'll be my old self.
59
00:05:05,270 --> 00:05:07,147
Hello, operator.
60
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,426
I just have to get around
this couch here.
61
00:05:09,670 --> 00:05:11,740
I'd like the number
of the hospital, please.
62
00:05:11,990 --> 00:05:14,948
Up the stairs, wherever they are.
63
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,545
Which one? Oh, I don't know.
64
00:05:17,790 --> 00:05:19,906
What's the cheapest one?
65
00:05:25,390 --> 00:05:28,302
No, an ambulance
won't be necessary.
66
00:05:28,550 --> 00:05:30,939
A hearse may be good.
67
00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:36,458
No, Marce.
68
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:41,744
"Men Who Leave Their Wives for
IHOP Waitresses" is on Geraldo.
69
00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:46,420
Al? He's been in surgery
for about an hour now.
70
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:50,063
Look, ma'am, my wife
has just given birth to triplets.
71
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:54,025
Well, congratulations.
Who's the father?
72
00:05:54,630 --> 00:05:56,666
So anyway, Al just keeps going on...
73
00:05:56,870 --> 00:05:59,100
...about how something bad
is gonna happen to him.
74
00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:01,699
And I say,
"Look, it's a simple operation.
75
00:06:01,950 --> 00:06:04,828
What are the odds of
something horrible happening to you?"
76
00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:09,189
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something
horrible has happened to your husband.
77
00:06:10,030 --> 00:06:12,590
Marcie, can I call you back?
78
00:06:13,110 --> 00:06:16,227
She says no,
and can you speak louder?
79
00:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,621
There is some good news. He's alive.
80
00:06:19,710 --> 00:06:22,065
Well, how alive? Can he walk?
81
00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:25,063
Can he talk?
Will he ever be able to work again?
82
00:06:26,070 --> 00:06:28,630
He's a shoe salesman,
Mrs. Bundy.
83
00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:31,658
We could replace his brain
with a sock of popcorn...
84
00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:33,946
...he would still be able to work.
85
00:06:34,550 --> 00:06:36,905
See, this was one of those...
86
00:06:37,150 --> 00:06:39,584
...unfortunate accidents
due to simple human error.
87
00:06:39,830 --> 00:06:43,061
It seems our surgical team misread
your doctor's instructions.
88
00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:45,346
It said to give him
"a circular incision."
89
00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:49,825
Yeah. So how
could you misread that?
90
00:06:50,870 --> 00:06:54,021
We gave him a circumcision.
91
00:07:06,630 --> 00:07:08,461
Oh, dear.
92
00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:11,707
Where is he?
93
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:14,101
That's the other thing.
94
00:07:40,670 --> 00:07:43,707
Just when you thought all the disasters
that could happen to Dad...
95
00:07:43,910 --> 00:07:47,380
...have happened to Dad...
- Yeah, circumcision.
96
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:50,941
And we thought he was in a mood
when they cut his hair too short.
97
00:07:51,790 --> 00:07:54,304
Now we can't even tell him
it'll grow back.
98
00:07:55,710 --> 00:07:56,938
Can we?
99
00:07:58,350 --> 00:08:00,989
Yeah, why not?
We lied about his hair.
100
00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:04,227
I just hope we got
all Dad's magazines.
101
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:07,906
Mom said it was important to get rid
of anything that could turn Dad on...
102
00:08:08,150 --> 00:08:10,300
...before he's had a chance to heal.
103
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:16,825
Wow, 30 days without sex.
What's that like?
104
00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:20,587
Thirty days is nothing.
I mean, I've gone as f...
105
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:27,421
Well, I don't know.
106
00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:31,788
What was that?
107
00:08:34,110 --> 00:08:35,338
- Dad.
- Dad.
108
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:38,462
They're rounding the corner
up the street. Hurry up with those.
109
00:08:38,710 --> 00:08:39,938
What about this People?
110
00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:42,067
- Who's on the cover?
- It's Ross Perot.
111
00:08:42,310 --> 00:08:44,983
Hide it. Dad said
that his ears look like tiny hooters.
112
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:50,547
Dad is sick.
113
00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:00,702
Okay, where are they now?
114
00:09:00,950 --> 00:09:04,226
They're about to go over the hump
at the intersection.
115
00:09:06,710 --> 00:09:09,986
And now the three small potholes
in front of the McGinty's.
116
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:13,466
And now the big one.
117
00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,502
Hurry before they get
in the driveway.
118
00:09:17,710 --> 00:09:21,180
- You think Mom's gonna hit the curb?
- No.
119
00:09:21,390 --> 00:09:24,063
Oh, sweet baby Jane.
120
00:09:24,990 --> 00:09:28,619
- I'm ready. Where should I put them?
- In the basement.
121
00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:31,543
Okay. Wait a sec. How do you know
Dad won't go down here?
122
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:34,145
Because we never fixed the step.
123
00:09:37,630 --> 00:09:39,268
Here they come.
124
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:46,785
Well, Mr. Grumpy's home.
125
00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:59,144
Just a small word of warning.
126
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,382
Anyone who says,
"What's up?" goes down.
127
00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:08,143
It wasn't funny
when the doctor asked it.
128
00:10:08,630 --> 00:10:10,666
It wasn't funny
when the nurse asked it.
129
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:13,868
It certainly wasn't funny
when your mother asked it.
130
00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:16,983
But then again,
I've been asking for years.
131
00:10:20,510 --> 00:10:24,344
- Is that you, son?
- Yeah, Dad. What's up?
132
00:10:28,310 --> 00:10:29,709
Any other questions?
133
00:10:30,670 --> 00:10:33,343
Yeah. So how's your...?
134
00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:36,502
Your back?
135
00:10:37,350 --> 00:10:41,343
Fine. Not that they did
anything to it, but...
136
00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:45,180
For some odd reason
I feel less concerned about it.
137
00:10:47,630 --> 00:10:52,750
Peg, would you have any idea
why I'd feel less concerned about it?
138
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:56,502
I do, I do.
139
00:10:57,510 --> 00:11:00,149
- Pumpkin?
- Because you're in so much more pain...
140
00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:02,739
...from the circumcision.
141
00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:07,065
Correct. And while we're
on that subject, does anyone know...
142
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:10,700
...why such a wacky thing could have
happened to Daddy in the first place?
143
00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:18,818
Pumpkin?
144
00:11:19,030 --> 00:11:21,624
Because Mommy made you
go to the hospital?
145
00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:23,462
Close, sweetheart.
146
00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:27,988
Mommy married Daddy first,
then made him go to the hospital.
147
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:32,861
Son, you've come to just in time,
because here's something really funny.
148
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,702
Did you know that Daddy's nurse...
149
00:11:34,910 --> 00:11:38,061
...was a fat woman
who used to come to his shoe store?
150
00:11:38,270 --> 00:11:42,104
I say "used to" because her patronage
fell off one day when she asked...
151
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:45,939
...for something to make her foot
look small, and I said, "Try your ass."
152
00:11:52,950 --> 00:11:55,100
She remembered.
153
00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:57,748
And we laughed.
154
00:11:57,990 --> 00:12:02,620
Then she picked up a catheter the size
of a boa constrictor and charged.
155
00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:04,669
And all of a sudden...
156
00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:07,583
...for just a brief moment
in a land far away...
157
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:10,264
...there was Abraham,
Martin and Al...
158
00:12:10,510 --> 00:12:12,944
...saying if it wasn't for the wife...
- AI.
159
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:15,829
I am very, very sorry about this.
160
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:17,708
And if there's anything I can do...
161
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,429
Swim the deepest ocean...
162
00:12:19,670 --> 00:12:23,868
...climb the highest mountain.
- just tell me and I'll do it.
163
00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:27,138
How about a sandwich?
164
00:12:27,390 --> 00:12:29,779
A sandwich?
165
00:12:30,070 --> 00:12:31,628
Now?
166
00:12:33,350 --> 00:12:35,864
Kids, did Daddy tell you
he got some stitches?
167
00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:40,584
Okay. Okay.
I'll make you a sandwich.
168
00:12:40,830 --> 00:12:42,388
Thank you.
169
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:45,948
Now, it's over,
as far as I'm concerned.
170
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:48,658
Everything is back to normal.
171
00:13:00,830 --> 00:13:02,388
What?
172
00:13:04,470 --> 00:13:07,428
Well, how much
did they cut off, Dad?
173
00:13:09,430 --> 00:13:10,749
No, Kelly.
174
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:14,539
It's just that he won't be able
to wear anything tight for a while.
175
00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:17,145
So I brought him something
of Grandma's.
176
00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:23,179
Fortunately, all I needed
was the sleeve. I sent the rest back.
177
00:13:26,030 --> 00:13:28,828
And by the way, I don't want
anyone talking about this, Peg.
178
00:13:29,070 --> 00:13:30,822
Especially you.
179
00:13:31,070 --> 00:13:34,665
Oh, come on, Al. I'm as embarrassed
about this as you are.
180
00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:37,219
Besides, who would I tell?
181
00:13:37,630 --> 00:13:39,302
Hey, stubby.
182
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:51,988
We heard about what happened,
so we got you a card.
183
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:57,904
I talked her out of the "Ask me about
my circumcision" bumper sticker.
184
00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:02,940
We heard about your little loss
We know you'll mak e it through
185
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:07,741
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you
186
00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:11,186
And though they took
More than you'd lik e
187
00:14:11,390 --> 00:14:12,789
The good luck is, you see
188
00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:17,023
Another quarter inch'd been
A full lobotomy
189
00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:21,427
P. S:
190
00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:27,068
Kids, a lesson.
191
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:29,460
Whenever you receive
a card like this...
192
00:14:29,710 --> 00:14:32,668
...it must be answered immediately
by a thank-you note.
193
00:14:32,910 --> 00:14:37,540
So would you please go key one
in the side of Marcie's car for Daddy?
194
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:40,498
Sure, Dad.
195
00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:43,543
Whoa, whoa.
Now, wait a second here.
196
00:14:43,790 --> 00:14:46,941
You guys know that Marcie's
is the red Beemer, right?
197
00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:49,823
- Come on, we know.
- Mr. D'Arcy, we wouldn't do that to you.
198
00:14:50,030 --> 00:14:52,385
Okay. Go to it, then.
199
00:14:56,710 --> 00:14:58,780
Cranky, huh, old buddy?
200
00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:01,828
Well, I know exactly how you feel.
201
00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:04,186
I had to get circumcised myself once.
202
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:12,507
- How'd you deal with the pain?
- I don't know. I was only one day old.
203
00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:16,705
So, what's up?
204
00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:25,707
Oh, Marcie,
I feel just awful about this.
205
00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:28,066
The pain he must be in.
206
00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:30,585
And it's all my fault.
207
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,549
Well, just do what you can
to take his mind off it.
208
00:15:33,790 --> 00:15:35,826
Well, I do.
209
00:15:42,910 --> 00:15:47,825
It's just that for some reason,
he cannot seem to let go of it.
210
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:00,629
I don't know what to do.
211
00:16:00,870 --> 00:16:02,826
Well, just give it a few days.
212
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:06,699
Besides, I hear there are some benefits
to having a circumcised man.
213
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:09,259
They're healthier, the sex is better...
214
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,229
...they're less likely...
- Whoa.
215
00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:15,900
- The sex is better?
- For the woman.
216
00:16:16,150 --> 00:16:18,425
Well, that's all I care about.
217
00:16:19,150 --> 00:16:20,549
Go on.
218
00:16:20,790 --> 00:16:25,864
Well, they say it lasts longer
because the man is less sensitive.
219
00:16:33,750 --> 00:16:36,822
Of course, you're gonna have to wait
about a month to find out.
220
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:41,503
Hey, with Al I can do
a month standing on my head.
221
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,900
Sometimes I have to.
222
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:46,740
Sometimes I like it.
223
00:17:13,070 --> 00:17:15,026
Tonight our special report.
224
00:17:15,270 --> 00:17:17,943
Thong bikinis of Rio.
225
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,867
Thong bikinis of Hawaii.
226
00:17:23,550 --> 00:17:27,941
- Thong bikinis of the Caribbean.
- It's sweeps month.
227
00:17:28,190 --> 00:17:31,421
Gotta be something on
that's dull and boring.
228
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:36,501
Tonight on National Geographic,
stalking the wily prairie dog.
229
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:37,978
That's better.
230
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:41,626
But first, thong bikinis
of the Serengeti.
231
00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:45,549
Good one.
232
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,585
Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.
233
00:17:49,830 --> 00:17:52,469
But bingo was just
a madhouse tonight.
234
00:17:52,710 --> 00:17:54,223
So how's it going?
235
00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:57,985
Horrible, Peg.
Everything I see or hear is about sex.
236
00:17:58,430 --> 00:18:00,898
Oh, Al, that's just your imagination.
237
00:18:01,150 --> 00:18:04,267
There's plenty
of other things going on.
238
00:18:06,510 --> 00:18:07,909
Tell me about bingo.
239
00:18:08,310 --> 00:18:13,430
Well, we overheard this couple
going at it in the bathroom.
240
00:18:13,630 --> 00:18:16,144
Don't know how they thought
they could get away with it.
241
00:18:16,350 --> 00:18:18,818
I mean, you could hear her
a whole block away.
242
00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:22,107
"Oh, Al."
His name was Al too.
243
00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:26,104
"Oh, Al." On and on.
244
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,509
What was that sound?
245
00:18:30,870 --> 00:18:32,588
A stitch.
246
00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:41,506
Well, it's time to get
this couch reupholstered.
247
00:18:41,750 --> 00:18:46,619
I'm really glad I'm home.
I am so tired.
248
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:54,743
Peg. Do you mind?
249
00:18:54,990 --> 00:18:56,343
Mind what?
250
00:18:56,590 --> 00:18:58,945
When you shake your leg
like that it...
251
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:02,263
It makes your boobies
go back and forth.
252
00:19:06,030 --> 00:19:07,702
Sorry.
253
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:19,866
Would you stop putting your finger
in your mouth when you turn the page?
254
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:23,378
I always do that.
255
00:19:23,990 --> 00:19:27,505
It's the first time I've looked at you.
256
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,383
All right, Al. I'll stop.
257
00:19:39,190 --> 00:19:42,819
- What?
- You're breathing in and out.
258
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:45,578
This is ridiculous.
259
00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:49,027
I'm getting myself a snack
and then I'm going to bed.
260
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:51,101
You know, your problem is, Al...
261
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:55,229
...you just can't allow yourself
to think about anything else.
262
00:19:58,350 --> 00:20:01,228
You know, read a book,
watch a ball game.
263
00:20:01,470 --> 00:20:05,065
You know, my life is miserable too,
but you don't see me going nuts.
264
00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:09,867
By the way, honey...
265
00:20:10,110 --> 00:20:13,022
...do you want anything
while I'm in here?
266
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:17,902
Al?
267
00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:20,778
Al?
268
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:27,981
A shower?
269
00:20:28,230 --> 00:20:30,061
This early?
270
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:33,825
Gee, it's only
the 10th of the month.
271
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:40,183
Well, I don't like this, Marcie.
272
00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:42,701
He's been in the garage
past a month now...
273
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,623
...and I still can't get him
to come out.
274
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,259
I mean, suppose
something went wrong?
275
00:20:48,510 --> 00:20:51,786
He was really starting
to like those muumuus.
276
00:20:53,270 --> 00:20:55,261
Yeah, well, suppose he's all well...
277
00:20:55,510 --> 00:20:58,263
...and he just doesn't
want me anymore?
278
00:21:18,150 --> 00:21:20,425
Never mind.
279
00:22:00,430 --> 00:22:02,785
You know, it did last longer.
280
00:22:04,710 --> 00:22:07,543
And the best part is
I didn't feel a thing.1
00:01:28,350 --> 00:01:30,784
And now, for your Christmas
viewing pleasure...
2
00:01:31,030 --> 00:01:32,588
...Channel 2 presents...
3
00:01:32,830 --> 00:01:36,903
- Anything but It's a Wonderful Life.
...It's a Wonderful Life.
4
00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:39,386
It's a Wonderful Life.
5
00:01:39,630 --> 00:01:42,019
It's a Wonderful Life.
6
00:01:43,110 --> 00:01:47,023
- It's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
- All right!
7
00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:50,899
Right after It's a Wonderful Life.
8
00:01:52,430 --> 00:01:53,943
Dad, it's Christmas Eve.
9
00:01:54,150 --> 00:01:56,823
Shouldn't you be out
shooing the homeless or something?
10
00:01:58,150 --> 00:01:59,549
Quite the noble gesture, son...
11
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:03,299
...but Christmas Eve is a time that you
should spend with your loved ones.
12
00:02:06,590 --> 00:02:09,468
I'd say that's enough time.
Go away, I'm trying to watch TV.
13
00:02:10,590 --> 00:02:12,945
Dad, every year, you and Mom
sit here on the couch...
14
00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:15,260
...and end up fighting over
what to watch.
15
00:02:15,470 --> 00:02:18,303
Why don't you take her on down
to Almost Steak and treat her...
16
00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:21,388
...to the all-you-can-keep-down
Christmas special?
17
00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:25,189
Then where would we go
for our anniversary?
18
00:02:26,510 --> 00:02:30,139
- It's Christmas. There's nothing on.
- Of course there is. I got 40 channels.
19
00:02:30,390 --> 00:02:32,142
The spirit of Christmas
has gotta be on.
20
00:02:32,350 --> 00:02:35,740
And now live, the great ladies
of the Squared Circle present...
21
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,458
...Christmas oil wrestling.
22
00:02:41,790 --> 00:02:43,018
See that?
23
00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:45,660
Look at those chestnuts.
24
00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:59,741
He won't budge, Kel.
What are we gonna do?
25
00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:03,744
Well, you're the one who wanted to get
him a big old jukebox for Christmas.
26
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:06,418
Hey, if a really cool watch
had fallen off the truck...
27
00:03:06,630 --> 00:03:08,348
...I would've gotten him that instead.
28
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,102
I just hope they like it.
29
00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:14,387
Well, they should. It's got
all those geezer records on it.
30
00:03:14,630 --> 00:03:18,623
It's even got one from way back
when Cher used to sing with her son.
31
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:23,902
Well, we can't leave it
in this freezing garage all night.
32
00:03:24,590 --> 00:03:27,104
We can take it upstairs
and hide it in one of our rooms.
33
00:03:27,350 --> 00:03:31,229
Oh, no problem.
Just let me eats me spinach first.
34
00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:35,587
We'll do it together.
We'll just take it up behind Dad.
35
00:03:35,790 --> 00:03:39,749
Look, he's watching oil wrestling.
He seems to be pretty focused.
36
00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:42,501
She's down!
37
00:03:44,070 --> 00:03:47,380
Her breasts are touching!
Her breasts are touching!
38
00:03:50,510 --> 00:03:53,741
It's kind of nice to see Dad
getting in the Christmas spirit.
39
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:56,420
- Okay, come on, let's do it.
- Okay.
40
00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:09,542
Al, guess what I've got.
41
00:04:09,790 --> 00:04:12,258
You got a Christmas present
for me?
42
00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:13,829
No.
43
00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:16,459
But I could go back out again.
44
00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:18,298
Do you have any money?
45
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:21,860
Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
46
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,659
That can be from me.
47
00:04:27,950 --> 00:04:30,020
- Is this wrestling?
- No, Peg. It's C-SPAN.
48
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,625
That's Sandra Day O'Connor
and Ruth Bader Ginsburg...
49
00:04:32,830 --> 00:04:34,741
...settling their differences.
50
00:04:34,990 --> 00:04:36,901
Of course it's wrestling.
51
00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:40,387
- Well, you know, I don't really...
- Peg, I know what you're going to do.
52
00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:42,626
You're going to say,
"Is this all that's on?"
53
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:45,025
Then you'll change it
because you know I like it.
54
00:04:45,230 --> 00:04:46,822
Al, that's just not true.
55
00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:51,986
Is this all that's on?
56
00:04:53,390 --> 00:04:57,349
Yes, Peg. It's Christmas Eve.
It's all that's on, and I like it.
57
00:04:57,590 --> 00:04:59,706
- Well, change it.
- Fine.
58
00:05:00,230 --> 00:05:04,382
Oh, look.
It's a Wonderful Life.
59
00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:06,148
Peg, I hate this movie!
60
00:05:06,350 --> 00:05:08,147
How can you hate
It's a Wonderful Life?
61
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:10,699
Because it's a horrible life.
62
00:05:11,590 --> 00:05:13,262
You know why
they never made a sequel?
63
00:05:13,470 --> 00:05:15,779
Because when the guy came back,
he killed himself.
64
00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:18,667
And this time
he took that angel with him.
65
00:05:18,870 --> 00:05:22,988
This must be written by a woman.
This stinks. It bites. It blows.
66
00:05:24,230 --> 00:05:25,982
But if you wanna watch it, Peg...
67
00:05:26,670 --> 00:05:29,787
- Oh, never mind. Just turn it.
- Good.
68
00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:32,504
I told you there's nothing.
I'm going back to wrestling.
69
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,825
Honey, how come
you never wrestle with me?
70
00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:41,743
Because I end up on top of you
or you end up on top of me...
71
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,066
...and either way I lose.
72
00:05:47,630 --> 00:05:49,109
- Kel.
- What?
73
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,261
It's on my foot.
74
00:05:52,430 --> 00:05:54,421
Which foot?
75
00:05:55,430 --> 00:05:56,909
The one that's flat as your head.
76
00:05:57,110 --> 00:05:59,066
Help me back out the door
with this thing.
77
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:02,389
Your stocking's gonna be as empty
as your bed, young man.
78
00:06:10,030 --> 00:06:11,861
Damn carollers.
79
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:17,988
You know, I have just one thing
to say about oil wrestling.
80
00:06:18,230 --> 00:06:20,300
- What?
- Do we have to watch this?
81
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,023
You know, Peg.
82
00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:24,744
What is it? You look over,
you see a smile on my face...
83
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:26,588
...you say, "I can't have this"?
84
00:06:26,950 --> 00:06:31,228
No, Al. I just thought it would be nice
if we could enjoy something together.
85
00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:35,099
We tried that on our honeymoon, Peg.
Remember how we cried?
86
00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:38,225
- Just change the channel.
- Fine.
87
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:42,108
Oh, now, there you go.
You're going too fast.
88
00:06:42,350 --> 00:06:44,181
Come on, Al. What was that?
89
00:06:44,430 --> 00:06:47,103
What was that? What was that?
90
00:06:47,430 --> 00:06:49,421
A Bewitched with Dick York,
not Dick Sargent.
91
00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:51,780
A Gilligan where
the gorilla came to the island.
92
00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:55,187
A Full House Christmas story, where
they were snowed-in at the airport.
93
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:57,858
And a study of the Amazonian
catfish's mating habits...
94
00:06:58,070 --> 00:07:00,345
...with Philippe,
not Jacques Cousteau.
95
00:07:04,110 --> 00:07:05,907
You can see all that...
96
00:07:06,150 --> 00:07:09,745
...and yet you can't see
the rim around the toilet?
97
00:07:13,950 --> 00:07:16,510
I see what I wanna see, Peg.
98
00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:19,706
It's me.
99
00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:26,781
And I don't wanna see that.
100
00:07:26,990 --> 00:07:29,265
Marcie, are you having
a Christmas party this year?
101
00:07:29,510 --> 00:07:30,738
Nope. Sorry.
102
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,181
- By the way, can I borrow some ice?
- Sure. Help yourself.
103
00:07:34,390 --> 00:07:36,745
It's a shame you're not having
that Christmas party.
104
00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:38,508
I had a good time at that last one.
105
00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:42,066
Remember, I got 95 cocktail weenies
in my mouth?
106
00:07:42,510 --> 00:07:45,308
Yeah, that was real funny, Al.
107
00:07:51,110 --> 00:07:55,342
You know, I would've got 96 in there
if I didn't have to sneeze.
108
00:07:56,270 --> 00:08:00,422
Hey, you remember the look
on your boss's face?
109
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,664
I wish you were having a party.
I really enjoyed it.
110
00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:08,148
It's a shame too, because I got a whole
new batch of dwarf jokes this year.
111
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:12,187
That makes me all the sadder
that we're not.
112
00:08:12,430 --> 00:08:15,547
- Can I take this chair?
- Sure, go ahead.
113
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:19,980
Say, what are you guys
doing for Christmas?
114
00:08:20,230 --> 00:08:22,983
You know, I like to spend my time
with the less fortunate...
115
00:08:23,230 --> 00:08:25,869
...so I'll be staying home with Al.
116
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:30,265
- What about you guys?
- Oh, nothing.
117
00:08:30,470 --> 00:08:33,701
We'll just be at home
having a quiet evening.
118
00:08:37,270 --> 00:08:40,580
Hey, Marcie, great blowout!
119
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,420
Damn shame about that party.
120
00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:48,908
- Give me the remote.
- Here we go.
121
00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:52,460
I know what you're gonna do. You're
gonna go real slow and aggravate me.
122
00:08:52,670 --> 00:08:56,504
- Please don't do this, Peg.
- I'll go fast. I promise.
123
00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:58,184
This is PBS.
124
00:08:58,430 --> 00:09:00,785
And if you want more
bad English television...
125
00:09:01,030 --> 00:09:04,420
...that your friends will insist is better
than bad American television...
126
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:08,265
...please send your pledges in either
cash, cheque or canned food to...
127
00:09:08,470 --> 00:09:11,189
- Pookie.
- What, Al?
128
00:09:11,430 --> 00:09:13,944
Just out of curiosity,
why are watching this?
129
00:09:14,190 --> 00:09:16,579
- Well, you know, l...
- Turn it!
130
00:09:17,910 --> 00:09:19,582
Fine.
131
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:23,420
- There, I Love Lucy.
- I hate Lucy.
132
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:27,621
The real star was Fred. They should
have killed off Ethel and Lucy...
133
00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:30,105
...and that illegal alien.
134
00:09:33,550 --> 00:09:36,223
They should've made Fred single
and called it Mertz's World.
135
00:09:36,470 --> 00:09:38,108
But if you wanna watch it.
136
00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:44,864
All right, Kel, now look.
This is what we're gonna do:
137
00:09:45,110 --> 00:09:48,227
You're gonna tie this rope around
the jukebox. I'll go upstairs.
138
00:09:48,470 --> 00:09:51,348
- And when you're ready, I'll pull it up.
- Okay.
139
00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:54,980
We wouldn't be having this problem
if we had just used a seesaw.
140
00:09:57,270 --> 00:10:01,343
And I wouldn't be having this problem
if Dad had used a condom. Just tie it.
141
00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:17,509
God, is that Michael Bolton
screaming "Silent Night"?
142
00:10:18,390 --> 00:10:22,349
What's his next number gonna be?
"Hark! The Hairy Angel Sings"?
143
00:10:22,590 --> 00:10:26,344
- You know, you don't like anything.
- Starting with you!
144
00:10:27,430 --> 00:10:29,148
Merry Christmas.
145
00:10:30,270 --> 00:10:32,420
- Who's that?
- I don't know.
146
00:10:33,670 --> 00:10:37,026
Damn, I wish the D'Arcys were
having a Christmas party this year.
147
00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:39,468
Hey, Al.
148
00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,540
Do you mind if we borrow
the rest of these chairs?
149
00:10:48,790 --> 00:10:50,348
Oh, sure, buddy.
150
00:10:50,590 --> 00:10:54,424
- No Christmas party this year, huh?
- No, afraid not.
151
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:57,548
- Say, can we take the table?
- Sure.
152
00:10:58,510 --> 00:10:59,738
Any beer?
153
00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:03,459
Gonna have sex
with the wife tonight, huh?
154
00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:06,865
You'll need a couple of six packs then.
Want a bag?
155
00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:11,069
- No, I'll just carry it.
- No, I meant a bag for your wife.
156
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,104
No, no, thanks.
157
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:20,062
What are you gonna do?
Just stay home?
158
00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:23,700
Yeah, yeah.
Just me and the little lady...
159
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,145
...and your chairs
and table and stuff.
160
00:11:26,390 --> 00:11:28,028
See you.
161
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:33,786
You know, if I didn't know any better,
I'd swear they were having a party.
162
00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:37,303
All right, Kel.
163
00:11:37,550 --> 00:11:39,825
- Did you tie the rope on the jukebox?
- Yep.
164
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:42,345
Okay. Now toss it to me.
165
00:11:42,590 --> 00:11:44,660
The jukebox?
166
00:11:47,230 --> 00:11:49,107
The rope, you lug nut.
167
00:11:49,630 --> 00:11:51,666
Gotcha. Ready?
168
00:12:01,310 --> 00:12:03,028
Okay. Now...
169
00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:06,387
...pull on it and make sure it's tight.
- Oh, all right.
170
00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:21,504
Why did you pull on the rope
that way?
171
00:12:23,230 --> 00:12:27,781
Because I wanted to make sure
that it was tight on your end too.
172
00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:30,469
- Upstairs.
- But...
173
00:12:30,710 --> 00:12:32,940
- Get upstairs.
- Okay.
174
00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:39,899
Who's that riding in the sleigh?
175
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,699
Who's that firing along the way?
176
00:12:43,950 --> 00:12:47,704
Who's roughing up bums
On Christmas Day?
177
00:12:47,950 --> 00:12:49,861
- Psycho Dad
- Psycho Dad
178
00:12:50,110 --> 00:12:51,748
- Psycho Dad
- Psycho Dad
179
00:12:51,990 --> 00:12:54,709
- Psycho Dad
- Psycho Dad
180
00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:58,226
Look, Peg, it's the Christmas episode
of Psycho Dad.
181
00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:00,825
- Oh, not again.
- Peg, it's a classic.
182
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,828
This is where you get to know
how he got the reindeer heads...
183
00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,349
...on the walls of his cabin.
184
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,502
Merry Christmas.
185
00:13:11,110 --> 00:13:13,260
- Who was that?
- I don't know.
186
00:13:13,990 --> 00:13:16,788
- AI, I am not watching Psycho Dad.
- Peg!
187
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,942
- I'm turning it.
- Well, then I'm going to the bathroom.
188
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:23,147
And I really hate this commercial.
189
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,263
You know, Peg, I could swear I heard
noises coming from the D'Arcys'.
190
00:13:34,630 --> 00:13:37,269
I think they got a party going on.
191
00:13:37,510 --> 00:13:39,307
Oh, don't be silly, Al.
192
00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:42,701
You know if they had a party,
they surely would've invited you.
193
00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:44,941
Well, that's true.
194
00:13:57,590 --> 00:13:59,626
Say, Peg.
195
00:14:00,870 --> 00:14:04,180
Did you have that hat on
before I went to the bathroom?
196
00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:10,664
Why, yes. Yes, I did.
197
00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:13,265
You know, Al Bundy,
you never look at me.
198
00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:15,978
Yes, I do.
199
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,983
Yeah, I remember it now.
200
00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:22,545
Switch the channel, will you?
201
00:14:23,710 --> 00:14:26,508
The Christian Shopping Network.
202
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:31,028
Have your next supper
on our Last Supper plates.
203
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:36,344
Service for 13, only $49. 95.
204
00:14:42,110 --> 00:14:43,987
Okay, I'm ready.
205
00:14:44,230 --> 00:14:47,028
- Hey, what are you doing?
- I'm gonna retie your knot.
206
00:14:47,270 --> 00:14:49,181
Now, don't lift it until I say so.
207
00:14:49,510 --> 00:14:52,229
- Don't what?
- Lift it.
208
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,906
Kelly!
Kelly, let me down, you moron.
209
00:15:03,150 --> 00:15:05,027
Let me down!
210
00:15:05,270 --> 00:15:06,942
Okay.
211
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,661
Are you down?
212
00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,220
Yes. And so are you.
213
00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:29,106
Wait. Don't pull it, Bud.
I tied it to the...
214
00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:31,058
Dresser.
215
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:41,307
And now the Black Entertainment
Channel presents.
216
00:15:41,550 --> 00:15:43,347
It's a Malcolm Xmas.
217
00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:46,980
Oh, come on, Peg!
218
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:51,261
I can't stand it anymore.
Give me the remote.
219
00:15:52,230 --> 00:15:54,698
Al, you're going too fast again.
220
00:15:54,950 --> 00:15:56,349
Oh, this just isn't working.
221
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:59,343
I go too slow. You go too fast.
222
00:15:59,590 --> 00:16:01,820
Gee, what does that remind you of?
223
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:05,026
Let's just try this together, shall we?
224
00:16:05,830 --> 00:16:07,707
You're taking up
more than half the remote.
225
00:16:07,910 --> 00:16:10,549
Well, you're taking up
more than half the couch.
226
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,983
For those of you who missed
the first 53 airings...
227
00:16:14,230 --> 00:16:18,701
...NBC is proud to present
Cheers, the final episode.
228
00:16:18,950 --> 00:16:20,827
What does Cheers
have to do with Christmas?
229
00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:23,544
What does NBC
have to do with television?
230
00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:28,058
- Change it.
- Change it.
231
00:16:28,270 --> 00:16:31,785
No, not Sally Struthers
Feeds the Third World Channel.
232
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,258
Sally, open your purse up.
233
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:36,030
I'm sure there's enough
Ding Dongs and Ho Hos in there...
234
00:16:36,230 --> 00:16:38,790
...to start a new 7-Eleven.
235
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:42,708
That's all these starving kids need,
Sally standing there saying:
236
00:16:42,910 --> 00:16:44,582
"Are you gonna finish that?"
237
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,182
- Change it.
- Change it.
238
00:16:52,710 --> 00:16:57,465
Oh, this is the TV-movie version
of It's a Wonderful Life.
239
00:16:57,710 --> 00:17:02,147
It's from a female perspective.
Starring Suzanne Pleshette.
240
00:17:02,390 --> 00:17:04,346
Who plays the female?
241
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,463
Merry Christmas.
242
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:18,070
Okay, Al.
243
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:22,345
Guess who's under the mistletoe.
244
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:30,100
She pecked me, Peg.
245
00:17:31,230 --> 00:17:33,186
Now I know you're having
a party over there.
246
00:17:33,390 --> 00:17:35,540
I am too.
247
00:17:36,630 --> 00:17:39,098
Do you have any contraceptives?
248
00:17:39,630 --> 00:17:43,669
Well, I got a magazine
with Whoopi Goldberg on the cover.
249
00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:49,021
That'll do.
250
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,826
And to all a good night.
251
00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:04,786
I am almost positive that they're
having a party over there.
252
00:18:05,470 --> 00:18:09,349
Now on Home Shopping Channel, we're
offering this gold-plated necklace.
253
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,581
We've been offering it at $49...
254
00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:15,027
...but for the next 10 minutes
you can buy it for 49 cents.
255
00:18:15,270 --> 00:18:18,262
Look what they put on TV.
Look how hideous this stuff is.
256
00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:20,899
Do they actually think
that women'll go for this?
257
00:18:21,150 --> 00:18:23,983
Yes, I'd like three please.
258
00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:25,663
Yes.
259
00:18:25,910 --> 00:18:30,461
Oh, yes. I would love a Brazilian
Christmas-tree emerald ring.
260
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:35,147
How dare you try to sell this crap
to women who might actually wear it?
261
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:39,505
Hey, guys, you guys still got
that Pocket Fisherman?
262
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:43,787
Happy birthday.
263
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,863
- Who was that?
- Kelly.
264
00:18:49,590 --> 00:18:53,629
A&E, the Arts and Entertainment
Channel, presents.
265
00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:56,543
It's a Hitler Christmas.
266
00:18:56,790 --> 00:18:59,224
Arts and Entertainment Channel?
We had that blocked.
267
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:02,746
There's just a few stations left.
Let's keep going.
268
00:19:02,990 --> 00:19:07,780
Now available on CD,
cassette and yes, 8-track.
269
00:19:08,030 --> 00:19:09,622
It's a Country Christmas.
270
00:19:09,870 --> 00:19:14,625
Hear such hits as.
"Let's Put the Lights on the Trailer."
271
00:19:14,830 --> 00:19:19,187
Let's put the lights on the trailer
272
00:19:19,590 --> 00:19:23,265
"Is That Rudolph's Nose or Daddy's?"
273
00:19:23,910 --> 00:19:27,949
Is that Rudolph's nose or Daddy's?
274
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:32,263
"Grandma's Frozen
on the Porch Swing."
275
00:19:33,550 --> 00:19:37,589
Grandma's frozen
On the porch swing
276
00:19:45,870 --> 00:19:50,466
See, I told you it would be easier
if we both did the pulling.
277
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,063
Oh, great, Kel.
278
00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:54,943
Now who's gonna be upstairs
to lift it through the window...
279
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:58,062
...since we're down here?
- Oh, you're right.
280
00:19:58,310 --> 00:20:00,346
Hey, I'll go do it.
281
00:20:11,190 --> 00:20:15,024
- I was watching that.
- That's it. That's it. I've had it, Peg.
282
00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:18,228
Every year we sit here.
Every year it's the same thing.
283
00:20:18,470 --> 00:20:21,382
TV at Christmastime reeks.
I wish they should just shut it off.
284
00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:24,548
I wish there wasn't any
such thing as TV.
285
00:20:27,870 --> 00:20:30,543
Oh, my God, Peg, the power's off.
286
00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:34,622
What are we gonna do, Peg?
There's no TV!
287
00:20:35,350 --> 00:20:38,979
- Well, we could cuddle.
- Be serious, Peg!
288
00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:42,463
There's no TV. Now I'm sorry
I said that about the TV.
289
00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:44,905
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
290
00:20:47,870 --> 00:20:51,340
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
291
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,429
- What are we gonna watch?
- I don't know, there's nothing on.
292
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:57,508
Everything stinks.
They ought to just shut it off.
293
00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:05,543
Mom, Dad.
We have something to tell you.
294
00:21:05,910 --> 00:21:09,027
Yeah. We're really sorry...
295
00:21:09,230 --> 00:21:12,506
...but this is the only thing left...
- Hey, now.
296
00:21:13,630 --> 00:21:15,268
You kids bought us a record?
297
00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:20,148
- Yeah, we got you a record.
- Yeah, that's what we got for you.
298
00:21:20,790 --> 00:21:24,624
Oh, Nat King Cole
sings "The Christmas Song."
299
00:21:24,830 --> 00:21:29,028
It's been so long
since I heard Nat without Natalie.
300
00:21:29,270 --> 00:21:31,181
I'll put it on.
301
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:34,583
So did you get us anything?
302
00:21:35,830 --> 00:21:39,618
Why, yes, honey, we did.
There you go.
303
00:21:39,870 --> 00:21:42,259
- And, Bud.
- Yeah, Ma?
304
00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:46,103
Merry Christmas.
305
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:56,100
- Oh, kids.
- It really is a wonderful life.1
00:01:20,493 --> 00:01:22,165
Hello, Naomi.
2
00:01:22,893 --> 00:01:24,611
Count your lucky stars, babe.
3
00:01:24,853 --> 00:01:27,447
Bud Bundy's in the house.
4
00:01:28,853 --> 00:01:30,286
Bud Bundy?
5
00:01:31,253 --> 00:01:33,721
We met at the frat party
last weekend.
6
00:01:33,973 --> 00:01:36,328
I was the one who found
your underwear.
7
00:01:37,373 --> 00:01:39,364
On the ceiling, right.
8
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,645
Say, listen, seems I have
a last-minute cancellation...
9
00:01:42,893 --> 00:01:45,646
...in my social calendar
any night of the week...
10
00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:48,324
...and, well, I was wondering
if you'd like...
11
00:01:48,573 --> 00:01:50,803
You would? This Saturday night?
12
00:01:51,053 --> 00:01:53,772
Okay, Al. I'm ready.
13
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:56,402
I'm gonna call you
right back with the address, okay?
14
00:01:56,653 --> 00:01:59,372
My masseuse is just leaving.
15
00:02:08,413 --> 00:02:10,847
Let's go, Al.
16
00:02:11,893 --> 00:02:13,645
Oh, feeling any better, Bud?
17
00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:17,728
Is that you, Ma?
18
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:22,130
Oh, I just feel awful
that you and Kelly got sick...
19
00:02:22,373 --> 00:02:24,933
...and can't come with us
to my family reunion.
20
00:02:25,173 --> 00:02:27,562
And I really hate to leave you
in this condition.
21
00:02:27,813 --> 00:02:32,170
After all, I wouldn't want people
to think I'm an unfit parent.
22
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,211
Let's see this.
23
00:02:35,413 --> 00:02:38,052
Ninety-eight point six.
24
00:02:38,293 --> 00:02:39,772
Is that good?
25
00:02:41,493 --> 00:02:42,721
Nope.
26
00:02:42,973 --> 00:02:45,885
Oh, maybe I really should stay home.
27
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,169
I hate to miss out
on the festivities though.
28
00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:50,005
This year they're gonna celebrate...
29
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:53,250
...the first annual
Wanker County Olympic Games.
30
00:02:54,413 --> 00:02:56,404
Damn this fever.
31
00:02:58,093 --> 00:03:01,403
You and Dad
have a tire-hugging good time.
32
00:03:01,653 --> 00:03:06,727
Oh, we will.
Bye, Buck. Bye, house. Bye, couch.
33
00:03:06,973 --> 00:03:09,407
Oh, boy.
34
00:03:11,293 --> 00:03:13,363
Let's go, Al.
35
00:03:22,893 --> 00:03:27,364
- Oh, Peg, do I have to?
- Yes.
36
00:03:27,613 --> 00:03:29,410
As the only
non-blood relative invited...
37
00:03:29,653 --> 00:03:32,008
...they're counting on you
to officiate the Olympics.
38
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:36,292
Now, let's go before we miss
the ceremonial lighting of cousin Jeb.
39
00:03:37,413 --> 00:03:40,211
Oh, all right.
Have we got everything?
40
00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:43,047
- The water-purification tablets?
- Check.
41
00:03:43,293 --> 00:03:46,046
The meat-fish-grain
purification tablets?
42
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:49,444
- Check.
- The Wanker translation book?
43
00:03:49,693 --> 00:03:52,969
- You know, English to gibberish.
- Check.
44
00:03:53,213 --> 00:03:56,011
Dad, you want me
to take the bag to the car?
45
00:03:56,253 --> 00:03:58,209
No, she can walk.
46
00:04:01,133 --> 00:04:03,647
Listen, if you don't
hear from me at least once a day...
47
00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:07,727
...Aunt Skeeter probably violated parole
and baked me into one of her pies.
48
00:04:08,533 --> 00:04:10,171
In which case, call 911...
49
00:04:10,413 --> 00:04:13,883
...or as they say in Wanker County,
"Nine hundred and eleven."
50
00:04:15,413 --> 00:04:17,404
Hey, Bud, guess what?
51
00:04:18,813 --> 00:04:21,532
Damn this fever.
52
00:04:21,773 --> 00:04:23,365
When will it end?
53
00:04:23,613 --> 00:04:25,888
Oh, poor thing.
54
00:04:26,253 --> 00:04:29,165
Hey, Peg, I think I'm coming down
with something.
55
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:34,050
Yes. You're coming down with me
to Wanker County.
56
00:04:34,293 --> 00:04:37,490
Bags, then go.
57
00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:40,565
Come on.
58
00:04:46,173 --> 00:04:49,245
- Well, they're gone.
- For a whole week.
59
00:04:49,493 --> 00:04:50,812
And guess what, Kel?
60
00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:54,489
Saturday night I got a shot at a babe
who hasn't used the word "no"...
61
00:04:54,733 --> 00:04:58,282
...since the last time someone asked
her if she ever used the word "no."
62
00:04:59,453 --> 00:05:02,968
Well, what if I said that I needed
the house next Saturday night?
63
00:05:03,213 --> 00:05:05,408
What if you said you were on fire?
64
00:05:05,853 --> 00:05:08,128
I mean, either way
it means nothing to me.
65
00:05:08,973 --> 00:05:12,409
Then you'll have to tell the little
children they'll never learn to read.
66
00:05:12,653 --> 00:05:16,009
Kel, there's nothing
you can say to me right now that...
67
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:21,601
Tell what little children
they'll never learn to read?
68
00:05:21,853 --> 00:05:25,971
Well, you know that anti-illiteracy
campaign that I've been so active in?
69
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:31,930
- No.
- That's the one.
70
00:05:32,173 --> 00:05:33,401
You see, Budrick...
71
00:05:33,653 --> 00:05:36,167
...these kids look at me
as the Verminator...
72
00:05:36,413 --> 00:05:40,611
...and all they see is glamour
and bright lights and deadly poison...
73
00:05:40,853 --> 00:05:44,846
...but I'm more than just a sexy chick
who kills bugs. I'm a role model.
74
00:05:45,093 --> 00:05:48,369
So I volunteered to shoot a public
service announcement in the house...
75
00:05:48,613 --> 00:05:50,251
...to encourage them to read.
76
00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:57,406
But, Kel, you can't read.
77
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:02,450
Yeah, well, you can't score,
but you still have a bed.
78
00:06:06,573 --> 00:06:10,407
I just thought that it was time that I
gave something back to the community.
79
00:06:10,653 --> 00:06:14,328
Well, judging by the lines
at the free clinic you already have.
80
00:06:18,853 --> 00:06:20,764
You know, that's the sort of crack...
81
00:06:20,973 --> 00:06:24,682
...that would make the old Kelly call
you a "rubber-loving Barbie thumper."
82
00:06:26,773 --> 00:06:28,411
But that's the old Kelly.
83
00:06:28,653 --> 00:06:30,530
The new Kelly
is simply gonna ask you...
84
00:06:30,773 --> 00:06:32,729
...to let me have the house
next Saturday...
85
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:36,642
...so I can show these kids the beauty
of The Little Engine That Could.
86
00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,205
I loved
The Little Engine That Could.
87
00:06:39,413 --> 00:06:43,531
Yeah, we all did, Bud,
but some of us have moved on.
88
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:46,852
"'Puff, puff, chug, chug,'
went the little blue engine."
89
00:06:48,573 --> 00:06:52,168
"'I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can, I think I can.
90
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,722
I think I can."'
91
00:06:59,813 --> 00:07:03,488
You know, this would make a great
TV movie starring Robert Urich...
92
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:06,406
...or that brawny Facts of Life girl.
93
00:07:09,893 --> 00:07:13,169
Wait a second, what's that smell?
94
00:07:13,813 --> 00:07:15,132
It's you.
95
00:07:15,373 --> 00:07:18,126
Bud, you smell good. What's wrong?
96
00:07:18,933 --> 00:07:20,332
It's my brand-new scent.
97
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,291
Guaranteed to attract the ladies.
98
00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:24,171
Yeah? What's it called?
99
00:07:26,093 --> 00:07:28,084
"Simply Abe."
100
00:07:32,973 --> 00:07:37,603
And if that's not enough,
I got another buck taped to my thigh.
101
00:07:38,493 --> 00:07:40,848
- Well, good luck.
- Thanks.
102
00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:44,608
And have fun
doing your commercial.
103
00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:46,605
Thank you.
104
00:07:49,533 --> 00:07:51,683
- Bye.
- See you.
105
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:55,522
Okay. He's gone.
106
00:08:08,493 --> 00:08:12,088
Thanks. I was getting kind of bored
out there, so I took some pictures.
107
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:13,971
See?
108
00:08:16,613 --> 00:08:19,286
This one here's from the house
across the street.
109
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,251
It's nice. Thank you.
110
00:08:21,493 --> 00:08:24,565
Where the hell
does she find these guys?
111
00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:28,122
So you wanna fool around
on the couch?
112
00:08:28,373 --> 00:08:30,011
Relax, Gunther, we've got hours.
113
00:08:30,213 --> 00:08:32,681
I mean, Bud really thinks
I'm shooting a commercial.
114
00:08:33,733 --> 00:08:36,691
- What a Mormon.
- I know.
115
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,723
So you wanna fool around
on the couch?
116
00:08:41,973 --> 00:08:44,851
Gunther, you don't just come
into my house...
117
00:08:45,093 --> 00:08:47,288
...covered with oil,
smoking a smelly cigar...
118
00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:49,763
...and ask me to fool around
on my mother's couch.
119
00:08:50,013 --> 00:08:52,004
I mean, that would be a sign
of low breeding.
120
00:08:54,053 --> 00:08:56,931
Here, we'll fool around
on the floor behind the couch.
121
00:09:01,053 --> 00:09:03,726
Gunther, what did you forget to do?
122
00:09:03,973 --> 00:09:08,888
- Oh. Sorry.
- Well, take it out.
123
00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:16,484
- Is that better?
- Yes.
124
00:09:27,973 --> 00:09:30,009
I know this may not be
quite as comfortable...
125
00:09:30,213 --> 00:09:32,408
...as what you're used to, my dear...
126
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:37,325
...but personally,
I find making love indoors restrictive.
127
00:09:37,653 --> 00:09:41,282
So I'm glad that attendant
threw us out of his photomat.
128
00:09:41,693 --> 00:09:44,366
You're as broke
as a two-dollar wristwatch, aren't you?
129
00:09:44,613 --> 00:09:47,810
And hornier than a funeral
in New Orleans, baby.
130
00:09:52,613 --> 00:09:53,841
Shall we?
131
00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:57,765
- No.
- No?
132
00:09:59,173 --> 00:10:01,482
Where'd you pick up
that kind of language?
133
00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:05,525
Look, I don't know what kind of tramp
you think I am.
134
00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:07,963
Just because a man
can build a nest like a wren...
135
00:10:08,213 --> 00:10:10,852
...doesn't mean
I'll make out with him. Goodbye.
136
00:10:13,093 --> 00:10:16,483
But I'm wearing "Simply Abe."
137
00:10:27,973 --> 00:10:29,929
You know, Kelly,
I can't help but feel...
138
00:10:30,133 --> 00:10:34,206
...that this is, in some small way,
my fault.
139
00:10:35,653 --> 00:10:37,325
See you.
140
00:10:41,013 --> 00:10:43,925
Who's gonna tell Mom
you burnt up her couch?
141
00:10:44,333 --> 00:10:46,608
Wait, wait a second.
142
00:10:46,853 --> 00:10:50,323
I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can.
143
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:03,691
I can't believe you burned down
Mom's couch.
144
00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:08,370
Well, I can't believe you bought that
stupid "concern for illiteracy" crap.
145
00:11:08,613 --> 00:11:10,968
If you had doubted me
the way you're supposed to...
146
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:13,329
...this never would have happened.
147
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,882
Nice try, pyro-nymph.
148
00:11:17,773 --> 00:11:20,845
- Bud, you've got to help me.
- Oh, well, sure.
149
00:11:21,093 --> 00:11:23,926
If you don't mind living
a life of servitude and degradation...
150
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,852
...I hear Saudi Arabia needs blonds.
151
00:11:28,013 --> 00:11:31,403
I am not asking for me.
I'm asking for Mom.
152
00:11:31,653 --> 00:11:34,929
I mean, this couch is her life.
She can't go on without it.
153
00:11:35,173 --> 00:11:39,644
Bud, if she finds out about this
it could kill her.
154
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,445
Kelly, don't you think
you're exaggerating just a little?
155
00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:51,132
- Hello?
- Is my couch okay?
156
00:11:52,093 --> 00:11:55,608
Your couch?
Why, yes, Mom. It's fine. It's lovely.
157
00:11:55,853 --> 00:11:58,651
- Why do you ask?
- Well, the funniest thing...
158
00:11:58,893 --> 00:12:03,489
...for no reason, my rear end
suddenly got warm.
159
00:12:04,493 --> 00:12:06,529
Mom, what could have happened
to the couch...
160
00:12:06,773 --> 00:12:09,651
...that's worse than you and Dad
sitting on it, right?
161
00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:12,806
Yeah. I guess I'm just being silly.
162
00:12:13,053 --> 00:12:16,568
- Anyway, wanna say hi to your father?
- No.
163
00:12:17,973 --> 00:12:23,525
Last contestant in the rooster toss:
Cousin Zeke.
164
00:12:29,053 --> 00:12:32,841
Okay. That's 40 feet.
That's a winner.
165
00:12:33,093 --> 00:12:35,288
Congratulations, Zeke.
166
00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:40,766
We shall now have the ceremonial
running of the pigs.
167
00:12:42,853 --> 00:12:45,572
Not at me, you hillbillies!
168
00:12:48,533 --> 00:12:50,410
Well, you guys have fun...
169
00:12:50,653 --> 00:12:52,803
...and don't worry
about the couch, okay?
170
00:12:53,053 --> 00:12:57,331
- Say goodbye to Dad for me.
- AI, the kids said goodbye.
171
00:12:57,573 --> 00:13:00,133
Peg! To Serve Man...
172
00:13:00,373 --> 00:13:02,967
...it's a cookbook!
173
00:13:05,693 --> 00:13:09,686
- Bud, we're doomed.
- "We"? Wait a second.
174
00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:12,731
I didn't have anything to do with this.
I was out with a girl.
175
00:13:12,973 --> 00:13:15,726
And you really think
they're gonna believe that?
176
00:13:17,973 --> 00:13:19,929
Okay, I'll help.
177
00:13:20,693 --> 00:13:23,765
If we're gonna get a new couch,
we need is a picture of the old one.
178
00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:27,403
Great idea. Bud, you are a genius.
179
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,565
Alrighty. Now what?
180
00:13:35,693 --> 00:13:38,969
Now we send this to Ripley's
along with your picture.
181
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,528
I meant a picture before the fire.
182
00:13:45,773 --> 00:13:48,082
Okay, I'm gonna get
Mom's photo album.
183
00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:52,008
There's probably more pictures of
the couch in here than there are of us.
184
00:13:57,653 --> 00:13:58,881
I can't believe it.
185
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:01,727
Went to every store in town
and nobody had that couch.
186
00:14:01,973 --> 00:14:04,282
Well, I say we get
the Guadalajara Yellow Pages...
187
00:14:04,493 --> 00:14:06,484
...and start calling Goodwill.
188
00:14:07,253 --> 00:14:09,130
Well, I will not give up.
189
00:14:09,373 --> 00:14:12,171
The good thing is is that we still have
another week to look.
190
00:14:13,533 --> 00:14:14,761
Hello?
191
00:14:14,973 --> 00:14:18,682
Honey, we're coming home early.
Your father's had a little accident.
192
00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:22,209
Accident, my ass!
They skinned me alive, Peg.
193
00:14:23,373 --> 00:14:26,763
Well, you know, you know better than
to stand too close to cousin Blinky...
194
00:14:26,973 --> 00:14:29,328
...when he's filleting ferret.
195
00:14:30,093 --> 00:14:32,163
Anyway, Kelly,
we're coming home tomorrow.
196
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,244
And you know, I just can't wait to...
197
00:14:34,453 --> 00:14:36,045
Bud, they're coming home tomorrow.
198
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:40,002
Is there anyway that I can talk you
into taking full blame for this?
199
00:14:42,053 --> 00:14:45,170
Sure. You can get me a woman
who won't say no.
200
00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:50,289
So there's no way.
201
00:14:52,293 --> 00:14:54,249
Hey, guys.
202
00:15:00,613 --> 00:15:02,205
I got the scoop on your couch.
203
00:15:02,453 --> 00:15:05,126
I got some friends
in the furniture business.
204
00:15:05,373 --> 00:15:07,603
Well, actually they're in...
205
00:15:07,813 --> 00:15:12,204
...the "making false compartments
in the furniture" business.
206
00:15:12,413 --> 00:15:15,246
- But they gave me the lowdown.
- Oh, please, let this be easy.
207
00:15:15,493 --> 00:15:17,484
Please, please, please.
208
00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:20,805
This is not going to be easy.
209
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:22,851
This may come
as a surprise to you...
210
00:15:23,093 --> 00:15:26,802
...but your couch
wasn't exactly a popular item.
211
00:15:27,373 --> 00:15:29,762
How many were made?
What, a thousand? Five hundred?
212
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:32,129
- What?
- Two.
213
00:15:33,213 --> 00:15:36,523
- Well, how many did they sell?
- One.
214
00:15:37,253 --> 00:15:39,926
Great. Then all we gotta do
is find the one that they sold.
215
00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:41,885
How hard could that be?
216
00:15:45,613 --> 00:15:47,649
Boy, when your looks go,
you're dead.
217
00:15:50,453 --> 00:15:52,045
You're dead.
218
00:15:52,853 --> 00:15:55,287
Now, no one really knows
where the other couch is...
219
00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:57,967
...but I do know who made it
and where he lives.
220
00:15:58,213 --> 00:16:00,408
Oh, then at least let this be easy.
221
00:16:00,653 --> 00:16:03,451
This is not going to be easy.
222
00:16:03,693 --> 00:16:06,765
It seems the guy who built it
went insane.
223
00:16:07,013 --> 00:16:08,241
How insane?
224
00:16:08,493 --> 00:16:11,610
Well, he spackled in his naval.
225
00:16:11,853 --> 00:16:15,323
He built a shrine to Larry
of the Three Stooges...
226
00:16:15,573 --> 00:16:18,246
...and he moved
deep into the woods.
227
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:21,367
How deep into the woods?
228
00:16:41,253 --> 00:16:44,723
Hi. Are you Mary?
229
00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:47,487
My name is "Ma-ray." "Ma-ray."
230
00:16:48,213 --> 00:16:49,931
Oh, sorry.
231
00:16:50,173 --> 00:16:54,963
- How do you spell "Ma-ray?"
- M-A-R-Y.
232
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:06,407
- Well, then how do you spell Mary?
- M-A-R-Y.
233
00:17:10,053 --> 00:17:15,173
So are you busy or "bus-ay"?
234
00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:17,966
Depends.
235
00:17:18,213 --> 00:17:20,568
Are you from the escort service
I called in '79?
236
00:17:21,413 --> 00:17:24,052
No. I'm here to see a man
about a couch.
237
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:25,567
Well, come on in.
238
00:17:25,813 --> 00:17:28,691
But if the escort babe shows up
you're gonna have to leave.
239
00:17:29,053 --> 00:17:32,170
Besides, I don't know where you got
the idea that I have a couch.
240
00:17:36,053 --> 00:17:37,771
You want a couch, you go to a mall.
241
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:39,924
You want a chair, you go to a mall.
242
00:17:40,173 --> 00:17:42,892
You want to see teenage girls
ride up and down escalators...
243
00:17:43,093 --> 00:17:45,687
...with very short skirts,
you go to a mall...
244
00:17:45,893 --> 00:17:51,013
...but you wanna eat fried squirrel
off a dirt floor, you come here.
245
00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:53,847
- Can I get you anything?
- Cappuccino?
246
00:17:54,093 --> 00:17:55,321
- Decaf?
- Please.
247
00:17:55,573 --> 00:17:57,291
Coming right up.
248
00:18:01,653 --> 00:18:03,211
What kind of couch you looking for?
249
00:18:03,413 --> 00:18:07,725
Well, one with sturdy legs, you know,
that you could fall asleep on.
250
00:18:07,973 --> 00:18:10,362
That's what I ordered
from the escort service.
251
00:18:10,613 --> 00:18:12,126
Sit down.
252
00:18:13,213 --> 00:18:14,931
Not there.
253
00:18:17,253 --> 00:18:18,288
Not there.
254
00:18:18,813 --> 00:18:20,849
- Then where?
- Right here.
255
00:18:21,093 --> 00:18:24,881
This is my bed. Sorry it's not made.
I wasn't expecting company.
256
00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:32,651
Thank you.
257
00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:43,165
- Now, let's talk couches.
- Oh, great.
258
00:18:43,773 --> 00:18:45,525
Here's the one that we're looking for.
259
00:18:45,773 --> 00:18:47,650
They say that you're the man
who made it.
260
00:18:48,373 --> 00:18:51,570
No. Not this one. I was desperate.
261
00:18:51,813 --> 00:18:54,885
My mother was sick.
We needed the money.
262
00:18:55,813 --> 00:18:58,168
Who are you to judge me?
263
00:18:58,413 --> 00:19:00,768
No, you don't understand.
We like the couch.
264
00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:04,130
Yeah, so do I. This is from my
"furniture for white trash" line.
265
00:19:04,373 --> 00:19:08,252
The "drunken hillbilly" collection.
My one attempt at commercialism.
266
00:19:08,493 --> 00:19:10,723
God, I hate America.
267
00:19:11,453 --> 00:19:14,047
Not the country. The rock group.
268
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,041
- Say, look, Mary...
- "Ma-ray!"
269
00:19:20,373 --> 00:19:23,922
Mary, "Ma-ray," madman...
270
00:19:24,533 --> 00:19:29,004
It's getting late and I'm kind of caught
short here without a silver bullet...
271
00:19:29,813 --> 00:19:32,088
...so can you help me
replace the couch or not?
272
00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:35,928
Well, I am sorry,
but I no longer build couches.
273
00:19:36,173 --> 00:19:39,529
Now I just visualize world peace
and occasionally re-enact...
274
00:19:39,773 --> 00:19:41,286
...The Unsinkable Molly Brown.
275
00:19:41,933 --> 00:19:44,447
However, I am willing to part...
276
00:19:44,693 --> 00:19:49,926
...with what is under this giant
spreading fungus over here.
277
00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:57,369
It's perfect. It's perfect.
278
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,969
- Even down to the stains.
- Made them myself.
279
00:20:02,293 --> 00:20:05,649
- How much?
- Don't insult me with money.
280
00:20:05,893 --> 00:20:08,771
Well, how can I insult you?
281
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:15,484
With something I've been needing
and wanting for a very, very long time.
282
00:20:15,773 --> 00:20:20,130
And you're just the person
who can give it to me.
283
00:20:23,773 --> 00:20:26,571
I can't believe what you did
to get this couch.
284
00:20:30,173 --> 00:20:32,767
Well, he really wanted it, Bud.
285
00:20:35,573 --> 00:20:38,167
I mean, it's been years.
286
00:20:39,093 --> 00:20:42,130
We're home.
And I missed you so much.
287
00:20:42,373 --> 00:20:44,887
Oh, we missed you too, Mom.
288
00:20:52,893 --> 00:20:54,406
It really is okay.
289
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:58,726
You know, this is the first time
my bottom has ever lied to me.
290
00:21:07,213 --> 00:21:09,773
- So how were the Olympics, Dad?
- Oh, fine, fine.
291
00:21:10,013 --> 00:21:13,926
You guys ever have a carrot peeler
run up and down your arms really fast?
292
00:21:14,853 --> 00:21:17,651
Of course you have.
What the heck, who hasn't?
293
00:21:17,973 --> 00:21:19,372
Well, I guess I'll go to bed.
294
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:22,605
I haven't had
a good night's sleep since...
295
00:21:22,853 --> 00:21:24,650
Well, since I got married.
296
00:21:24,893 --> 00:21:27,327
Yeah, you know, I'm really tired too.
297
00:21:27,573 --> 00:21:30,690
Oh, come on Peg,
I already got skinned once today.
298
00:21:30,933 --> 00:21:32,685
Oh, Al, don't flatter yourself.
299
00:21:32,933 --> 00:21:35,322
Not everything you do turns me on.
300
00:21:35,573 --> 00:21:38,963
Oh, baby.
The way you open your mouth.
301
00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:40,891
No, Peg.
302
00:21:44,373 --> 00:21:47,888
Kel, looks like
you're gonna get away with it.
303
00:21:48,133 --> 00:21:51,284
Though they're gonna find out
what you did to get this couch.
304
00:21:51,973 --> 00:21:54,851
Well, God knows
I didn't wanna do it...
305
00:21:55,453 --> 00:21:56,886
...but in today's world...
306
00:21:57,093 --> 00:21:59,846
...you gotta give something
to get something.1
00:01:32,750 --> 00:01:36,220
Okay, Enid, work with me here.
Pull it in.
2
00:01:36,470 --> 00:01:39,348
Pull in your talons.
We're almost there.
3
00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:48,146
See? I told you I was a four.
4
00:01:49,390 --> 00:01:54,066
No. "Fore" is what you'll have to yell
when the shoe pops off your foot.
5
00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:55,858
Now...
6
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,138
...are we finished here?
7
00:02:00,390 --> 00:02:03,302
Well, I'm not sure
I like this shade of blue.
8
00:02:04,590 --> 00:02:06,342
I'll tell you what I'll do then:
9
00:02:06,590 --> 00:02:11,459
We'll stand you in front of a mirror,
I'll begin strangling you.
10
00:02:12,350 --> 00:02:16,025
When you reach the shade of blue
that is satisfactory to you...
11
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:19,307
...you yell, "Moo" and I'll stop.
12
00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:23,948
That's it.
I'm taking my business elsewhere.
13
00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:26,067
May I suggest Jenny Craig?
14
00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:39,822
So how much do you figure
you owe this store in commissions?
15
00:02:40,230 --> 00:02:42,266
I'm not selling shoes
for the money, Aaron.
16
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:45,149
I'm in it to torture fat women.
17
00:02:45,670 --> 00:02:49,345
- Where have you been?
- To buy you a birthday present. Here.
18
00:02:53,030 --> 00:02:55,385
It's Hot Dog... The Movie.
19
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:59,305
I'd prefer hot dog, the hot dog.
20
00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:04,386
- That's due back at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
- Yeah, I know how it feels.
21
00:03:04,630 --> 00:03:07,508
At least you didn't sing
"Happy Birthday" to me. I hate that.
22
00:03:07,710 --> 00:03:10,861
Nothing to do but stand like
an idiot till the damn thing's finished.
23
00:03:11,070 --> 00:03:13,584
I hope I get through the day
without someone singing it.
24
00:03:33,510 --> 00:03:35,148
- Hey, Aaron.
- Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
25
00:03:35,390 --> 00:03:38,382
Anyway, Marcie and I just wanted
to wish you many happy returns.
26
00:03:39,230 --> 00:03:40,822
Actually, Marcie wanted to wish...
27
00:03:41,030 --> 00:03:44,306
...that you get caught downwind
from your own feet and die...
28
00:03:44,710 --> 00:03:47,429
...but I wanted to wish you
many happy returns.
29
00:03:47,670 --> 00:03:51,902
Well, thanks, Jefferson.
Oh, and if you see the wife, floor it.
30
00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:56,389
Here you are, buddy.
Happy birthday.
31
00:03:56,630 --> 00:03:58,382
- What's this?
- It's a car-wash coupon.
32
00:04:00,630 --> 00:04:04,589
Thanks, but you know they won't let me
go through the car wash in the Dodge.
33
00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:06,542
Not a regular wash, Al.
34
00:04:06,790 --> 00:04:08,906
This is a topless car wash.
35
00:04:15,070 --> 00:04:17,379
"Soapy Headlights:
36
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:21,781
Where only the cars wear bras."
37
00:04:26,790 --> 00:04:30,749
And it's conveniently located
just 70 miles out of town...
38
00:04:30,990 --> 00:04:33,504
...at the end of a long dirt road.
39
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:35,388
But I don't understand.
40
00:04:35,630 --> 00:04:38,827
Both of you are married. Can't you
just look at your wives topless?
41
00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:45,624
- Have you seen his wife?
- Have you seen his wife?
42
00:04:47,030 --> 00:04:50,067
Let me explain. When you've been
married as long as I have...
43
00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:52,989
...you do not want
to see your wife topless.
44
00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:56,188
Speechless, maybe.
Headless, naturally.
45
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:59,547
But never, ever topless.
46
00:05:01,070 --> 00:05:03,538
Come on, Al.
Marcie's car could use a good buffing.
47
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:06,224
As could I.
Come on, let's go now.
48
00:05:06,470 --> 00:05:09,189
I can't. I promised I'd go home
for my birthday party.
49
00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:12,103
That's where the kids are gonna
give me God-awful presents.
50
00:05:12,350 --> 00:05:15,387
Sometimes I think that there actually
might be a store out there...
51
00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:18,781
...with presents just for me
that's named "God-awful."
52
00:05:19,030 --> 00:05:23,262
The topper is, Peg's probably gonna
make me a cake as only she can.
53
00:05:32,270 --> 00:05:35,467
Cake looks good this year.
What kind is it?
54
00:05:35,910 --> 00:05:40,301
Well, it's either chocolate
or Uncle Ben's Minute Rice.
55
00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:43,822
- Now, do we have any candles?
- Nope.
56
00:05:44,070 --> 00:05:49,383
Dad said no candles this year,
because of last year's little mishap.
57
00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:53,745
Hey, I just thought that Roman candles
meant that they were imported.
58
00:05:55,510 --> 00:05:57,785
You know, from Romani.
59
00:05:59,630 --> 00:06:03,225
It's amazing.
Dad's looks and Buck's brains.
60
00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:09,542
At least I've never tried
to date one of my plastic toys.
61
00:06:12,390 --> 00:06:13,948
What did you get Dad
this year, Mom?
62
00:06:14,190 --> 00:06:17,466
Well, I was in the mall
and there it was.
63
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:20,941
There's this new photography studio
called "Sex You Up"...
64
00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:23,306
...and they specialize
in boudoir photos.
65
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:26,986
You know, where they, like, lay you
on a bed and dress you up real sexy.
66
00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:30,302
Oh, you mean like the picture
on Kelly's driver's license?
67
00:06:31,870 --> 00:06:35,226
That may be, but I've never gotten
a ticket, now, have I?
68
00:06:36,310 --> 00:06:37,902
Gee, I hope I did the right thing.
69
00:06:38,150 --> 00:06:40,584
He said what he really wanted
was an oil filter.
70
00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:44,618
But what's he gonna do
with a silly thing like an oil filter?
71
00:06:46,350 --> 00:06:47,544
Daddy's home.
72
00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:57,064
Is it him?
73
00:06:57,310 --> 00:07:02,145
I can't tell. It's either Daddy
or there's a new pope.
74
00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:08,067
Shut up!
75
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:21,659
Well, let's get this charade over with.
Where's my cardboard cake?
76
00:07:23,230 --> 00:07:24,663
It's over on the table, Dad.
77
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,782
Anybody wanna light the dog?
I'll make a wish.
78
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:37,345
Well, wait, Daddy,
you gotta open your presents first.
79
00:07:38,430 --> 00:07:40,660
"God-awful." I knew it!
80
00:07:41,790 --> 00:07:43,781
I really think
you're gonna love this, Daddy.
81
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,100
Happy birthday, Dad.
82
00:08:01,390 --> 00:08:03,062
Two of something I don't want.
83
00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:07,219
That's the second time
that's happened.
84
00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:14,303
Well, we can exchange them
for you, Dad.
85
00:08:14,550 --> 00:08:17,383
Okay, but I don't know
what good it's gonna do.
86
00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:28,868
Excuse us.
87
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,380
We can't be related.
88
00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:39,187
So, what did you get me this year, Peg?
My usual get-out-of-sex-free card?
89
00:08:40,150 --> 00:08:41,378
No, honey.
90
00:08:41,630 --> 00:08:44,542
This year I got you
something really special.
91
00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,702
Now, I'm a little nervous about this.
92
00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:50,346
Happy birthday, Al.
93
00:09:02,950 --> 00:09:04,941
Oh, Peg!
94
00:09:05,790 --> 00:09:09,021
- You like it?
- I love it.
95
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:11,182
Who is she?
96
00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:16,586
It's me.
97
00:09:16,910 --> 00:09:18,059
Now, come on, honey.
98
00:09:19,310 --> 00:09:21,062
Tell me what you really think.
99
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:24,666
Well, I think you look...
100
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:57,822
- nice.
101
00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:00,579
Oh, Al.
102
00:10:00,790 --> 00:10:04,100
Oh, now, Peg,
please don't touch me on my birthday.
103
00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:08,389
I want you to take this to work
with you and hang it up...
104
00:10:08,590 --> 00:10:10,308
...so I can be with you all day long.
105
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:13,866
That kind of defeats the purpose
of going to work, doesn't it?
106
00:10:15,790 --> 00:10:18,588
No more than your paycheque does.
107
00:10:19,950 --> 00:10:23,420
Oh, I'm just kidding,
you big birthday lug, you.
108
00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:27,265
Now, I'm gonna put this right here so
you can remember to take it with you.
109
00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:28,738
I'm not taking it!
110
00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:31,629
It's my birthday.
I'm putting my foot down.
111
00:10:37,950 --> 00:10:39,622
So, what's wrong with it?
112
00:10:39,870 --> 00:10:41,747
I think she looks...
113
00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:43,629
...nice.
114
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:46,502
It's not the point.
115
00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:49,065
You know why women want men
to hang their pictures?
116
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:51,301
- So we appreciate...
- No!
117
00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:53,541
It's to mark their territory.
118
00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:09,304
Are you sure you don't want
that picture up there...
119
00:11:09,510 --> 00:11:11,785
...so other guys
can't see how good she looks?
120
00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:17,306
Oh, yeah, that's it.
121
00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:21,980
You see, Aaron, I've been married
to Peg for over 20 years.
122
00:11:22,230 --> 00:11:24,983
I've seen her from the front
I've seen her from the back
123
00:11:25,230 --> 00:11:28,586
I've seen her in a chair
I've seen her in a sack
124
00:11:28,910 --> 00:11:30,741
I've seen her stand,
I've seen her crouch
125
00:11:30,950 --> 00:11:33,418
I've seen her on our stupid couch
126
00:11:33,670 --> 00:11:36,946
I do not lik e her in the mall
I do not lik e her in the hall
127
00:11:37,190 --> 00:11:41,229
I do not lik e her in my life
I do not lik e my big red wife
128
00:11:48,990 --> 00:11:50,742
You're single. You don't understand.
129
00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:53,140
Married men
are never jealous of their wives.
130
00:11:53,350 --> 00:11:56,660
That picture could be all over town.
Wouldn't mean a hill of beans to me.
131
00:11:56,870 --> 00:11:59,304
They could put it
on the side of a milk carton.
132
00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:02,462
They could put it
on the side of the Sears Tower.
133
00:12:04,110 --> 00:12:06,578
They could even put it
on the side of...
134
00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:10,584
Great Caesar's ghost!
135
00:12:20,350 --> 00:12:22,147
I'd do her.
136
00:12:28,670 --> 00:12:32,060
Oh, you're a guy with high standards.
You'd do Marcie.
137
00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:36,189
Jefferson, I gotta get them
to get that sign down.
138
00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:37,704
- How come?
- He's jealous.
139
00:12:37,950 --> 00:12:41,147
I'm not jealous. I respect other
men's rights not to turn to stone...
140
00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:43,625
...in front of my store, that's all.
141
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:46,185
Jefferson, I want...
Will you stop leering at my wife!
142
00:12:46,390 --> 00:12:47,459
I'm sorry.
143
00:12:47,670 --> 00:12:49,183
You're good at talking to people.
144
00:12:49,390 --> 00:12:52,462
You talked Marcie into believing
you married her for her looks.
145
00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:56,746
Go to that photographer
and get him to take that sign down.
146
00:12:56,990 --> 00:12:59,060
Maybe I can get him
to replace it with this:
147
00:13:00,110 --> 00:13:03,307
A picture I took of the girls
at the topless car wash.
148
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:07,463
- Where's your car?
- Oh, I took the bus over there.
149
00:13:08,430 --> 00:13:10,580
As long as I went... as I went
through it...
150
00:13:10,830 --> 00:13:12,422
...they didn't know the difference.
151
00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:13,858
- Get out.
- Okay.
152
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:16,789
It's very important that sign
come down before Peg sees it.
153
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:20,306
I want you to go outside and look
for her and yell when you see her.
154
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,860
No, not her picture!
Not her picture! Her!
155
00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:29,668
Hi, Al. Did you see it?
156
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:33,380
Yes, Peg, I saw it.
Ray Charles would see it.
157
00:13:33,590 --> 00:13:34,818
But why is it up there?
158
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:37,345
The photographer asked
to use one of my shots...
159
00:13:37,590 --> 00:13:38,864
...to advertise his business.
160
00:13:39,070 --> 00:13:41,140
I just didn't think
he was gonna make it that...
161
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:43,705
Shamu-lian?
162
00:13:44,670 --> 00:13:46,501
Well, I was gonna say "gorgeous."
163
00:13:47,190 --> 00:13:49,658
Kids, what do you think?
164
00:13:49,990 --> 00:13:52,185
Well, I think you look...
165
00:13:52,430 --> 00:13:53,943
...nice.
166
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,179
You could see her from space.
167
00:13:57,910 --> 00:13:59,582
You would know.
168
00:14:01,990 --> 00:14:07,064
Dad, we'd love to hang around
and share your proudest moment...
169
00:14:07,270 --> 00:14:09,579
...but anything just came up
and we gotta go.
170
00:14:09,830 --> 00:14:11,502
Oh, wait. But before we do...
171
00:14:11,710 --> 00:14:14,508
...we want to apologize
for yesterday's birthday boo-boo.
172
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:18,140
It's all fixed now. Here you go.
173
00:14:20,910 --> 00:14:24,505
Kids, come here. Come here.
174
00:14:29,790 --> 00:14:31,109
Get out.
175
00:14:31,350 --> 00:14:34,422
- Bye, Dad.
- Happy birthday.
176
00:14:35,590 --> 00:14:39,868
Now, Peg, I haven't asked for much
and God knows I've gotten it.
177
00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:43,347
But I think the picture ought to
come down. Now, I like it myself...
178
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,110
...but some people
have been complaining about it.
179
00:14:46,350 --> 00:14:48,420
Excuse me, miss.
180
00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:50,743
Hope I'm not too forward...
181
00:14:50,950 --> 00:14:54,579
...but you are truly one of the most
beautiful women I have ever seen.
182
00:14:54,830 --> 00:15:00,029
And now that I see you in person,
that photograph doesn't do you justice.
183
00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:05,989
It's been a pleasure
to bask in your presence.
184
00:15:06,230 --> 00:15:07,709
Good day.
185
00:15:10,830 --> 00:15:14,379
See, Peg, I told you
that people were complaining.
186
00:15:15,350 --> 00:15:16,783
You know what I think, Al?
187
00:15:17,030 --> 00:15:19,498
I think you're jealous.
188
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:22,662
Jealous, Peg?
I'll tell you what I'm jealous of.
189
00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:26,749
I'm jealous of any man who can come
home to a cold beer and a warm meal...
190
00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:28,469
...and a wife somewhat smaller...
191
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,907
...than the Bullwinkle balloon
in the Macy's Day Parade.
192
00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:35,780
But if you think for one second
that I'm jealous of that picture...
193
00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:38,703
...you're out of your 9-foot mind!
194
00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:42,665
Boy, I'd love to put the top down
and test-drive that for a weekend.
195
00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:46,909
Yeah, nice little air bags too.
196
00:15:48,350 --> 00:15:49,749
Excuse me, Peg.
197
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,547
With this jealousy garbage out
of the way, that picture comes down.
198
00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:13,899
Aaron, get a blowtorch.
199
00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:16,546
Only if you'll admit
that you're jealous.
200
00:16:16,790 --> 00:16:18,428
I'm not jealous!
201
00:16:18,670 --> 00:16:20,786
Fine. Then you won't mind if it stays.
202
00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:23,225
If it doesn't bother you,
it doesn't bother me...
203
00:16:23,430 --> 00:16:26,228
...other than the low-grade nausea.
204
00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:28,904
All right then. I'll be seeing you.
205
00:16:29,150 --> 00:16:31,710
And you'll certainly be seeing me.
206
00:16:43,510 --> 00:16:46,707
Why can't you
ever say nice things like that?
207
00:16:48,950 --> 00:16:52,738
Why don't you just tell your wife
you're jealous and get it over with?
208
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:58,105
Aaron, let me explain
something to you.
209
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,227
You don't know anything.
210
00:17:00,510 --> 00:17:04,219
Even if a man is jealous,
he can never, ever tell that to a woman.
211
00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:08,304
Well, that's like saying, " Here's
a hand grenade. Put it down my pants."
212
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:12,938
Once they know you're jealous,
they've got you by your Bobbitt.
213
00:17:13,390 --> 00:17:15,745
You will have lost
your last ounce of dignity.
214
00:17:15,990 --> 00:17:17,787
And like the once mighty
mahi-mahi...
215
00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:21,818
...you will end up on a pupu platter
in the tiki hut of life.
216
00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:29,738
Any questions?
217
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,661
- Do you want to lay down for a while?
- No!
218
00:17:32,910 --> 00:17:35,583
I don't have time to lie down.
Gotta get that picture down.
219
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,987
I know Jefferson can do it.
He can con anybody.
220
00:17:39,670 --> 00:17:41,103
Hey, Al, guess what.
221
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:42,863
The "Sex You Up" photographer...
222
00:17:43,110 --> 00:17:48,264
...said I've got the best cheekbones
this side of Rob and Fab of Milli Vanilli.
223
00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:51,344
He's giving me a thousand headshots
for half price...
224
00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:54,549
...and I'm not giving
any of them away.
225
00:17:57,390 --> 00:17:59,665
I know now what I have to do:
226
00:18:00,190 --> 00:18:03,660
Truly go where no man
has gone before.
227
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:18,067
Fellow Fangsters.
228
00:18:19,510 --> 00:18:23,025
I come before you this evening
not as a man...
229
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:32,981
...but as a friend who understands
the plight of today's feminist.
230
00:18:33,230 --> 00:18:37,223
True, we have had our differences
in the past...
231
00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,426
...but I have seen the light...
232
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:42,662
...and luckily,
there's not too much in here.
233
00:18:48,070 --> 00:18:51,028
But to prove to you
that I have changed...
234
00:18:51,270 --> 00:18:55,422
...I would like to extend
an olive branch of peace.
235
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:58,343
A symbol of truce.
236
00:18:58,590 --> 00:19:02,822
You ladies would recognize them
as moustache combs.
237
00:19:03,070 --> 00:19:06,699
Everyone gets one.
Everyone gets one.
238
00:19:12,190 --> 00:19:13,305
Anyway, ladies.
239
00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:17,909
We prefer
to be called "Gyno-Americans."
240
00:19:18,510 --> 00:19:21,502
Then "Rhino-Americans" it is.
241
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:26,859
Anyway, a grave injustice...
242
00:19:27,110 --> 00:19:30,227
...has been going on
down at the New Market Mall.
243
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:34,179
A real woman's body
is being exploited...
244
00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:36,227
...by men for profit.
245
00:19:38,150 --> 00:19:40,744
Hang on to your flannel panties...
246
00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:44,305
...there's still time to act.
247
00:19:44,630 --> 00:19:48,259
I want every "gynoceros"
in this room...
248
00:19:49,190 --> 00:19:52,307
...to charge down
to the New Market Mall...
249
00:19:52,550 --> 00:19:54,268
...and stop this dastardly deed.
250
00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:56,706
Show them, as only you can...
251
00:19:56,950 --> 00:19:59,384
...that a woman's body
is not to be appreciated...
252
00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:02,269
...but to be feared, reviled.
253
00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:06,901
And in the case of most of you,
kept totally covered at all times.
254
00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:11,066
Hurry, my sisters, down to the mall,
but remember...
255
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,778
...not more than three
in the elevator at one time.
256
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:21,580
What our hunting-and-gathering friend
here is trying to say...
257
00:20:21,830 --> 00:20:24,788
...is that we have
important work to do.
258
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:27,948
We must strike a blow...
259
00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:33,063
...for all women.
260
00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:35,983
This cannot be a slap...
261
00:20:36,910 --> 00:20:38,025
...on the wrist.
262
00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:40,949
It must be a punch...
263
00:20:42,550 --> 00:20:45,781
...in the labonza to all oppressors.
264
00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:49,466
And thank you for bringing this
to our attention, Al.
265
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,428
You're welcome.
266
00:20:52,430 --> 00:20:54,182
Skin him.
267
00:21:00,310 --> 00:21:01,459
And in other news...
268
00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:04,065
...crazed feminists charged
the New Mark et Mall...
269
00:21:04,310 --> 00:21:07,620
...and pulled down an oversized
boudoir photo they deemed sexist...
270
00:21:07,830 --> 00:21:10,025
...after storming
into a photographer's studio...
271
00:21:10,230 --> 00:21:12,221
...where local man Jefferson D 'Arcy...
272
00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:15,900
...was allegedly
posing nude on a bearskin rug.
273
00:21:16,630 --> 00:21:19,269
Mr. D 'Arcy was dragged
by an unnamed body part...
274
00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:23,503
...and flung into the mall fountain
by the howling women.
275
00:21:26,350 --> 00:21:31,140
Women. Can't live with them,
can't herd them all into Canada.
276
00:21:32,070 --> 00:21:35,824
Al, did you have anything to do with
those women taking down my picture?
277
00:21:36,790 --> 00:21:40,305
Peg, on your mother's life, no.
278
00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:44,983
If it's anything I hate,
it's women's bodies being exploited.
279
00:21:45,190 --> 00:21:46,828
It has to stop for all our sakes.
280
00:21:47,190 --> 00:21:49,909
How very liberated of you.
281
00:21:50,270 --> 00:21:53,342
- Where you going?
- To get the car washed.
282
00:22:09,270 --> 00:22:10,703
Dad.
283
00:22:12,070 --> 00:22:14,948
Happy birthday.
284
00:22:16,430 --> 00:22:18,148
Let me guess.
285
00:22:18,590 --> 00:22:20,228
Pants.
286
00:22:21,030 --> 00:22:22,702
Look like these?
287
00:22:23,910 --> 00:22:25,628
Mine kind of do.
288
00:22:27,990 --> 00:22:30,379
I told you he had pants.
289
00:22:30,630 --> 00:22:34,862
- You didn't tell me he had grey ones.
- Yes. I've seen him wear pants before.1
00:01:16,375 --> 00:01:19,447
Look at her swinging back and forth.
2
00:01:21,055 --> 00:01:23,523
The way the sunlight hits her skin.
3
00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:27,168
I'd sure like to have
that in my mouth.
4
00:01:28,335 --> 00:01:30,895
Al, you are talking about
a stupid apple...
5
00:01:31,095 --> 00:01:33,211
...swinging from a tree.
6
00:01:33,735 --> 00:01:37,011
You're missing the point,
my little lust-buster.
7
00:01:37,615 --> 00:01:40,175
I didn't even know
that was an apple tree.
8
00:01:40,415 --> 00:01:43,134
Wonder why it suddenly
decided to bloom.
9
00:01:46,175 --> 00:01:48,211
I've gotta quit eating
out of that dumpster...
10
00:01:48,415 --> 00:01:50,406
...behind the Mexican restaurant.
11
00:01:52,415 --> 00:01:54,485
Honey, why don't you
just go buy an apple?
12
00:01:54,735 --> 00:01:57,203
Or at least pick that one. It's ripe.
13
00:01:57,455 --> 00:01:58,808
No, it isn't, Peg.
14
00:01:59,055 --> 00:02:02,411
It says so right here
in Farmer lggy's Almanac.
15
00:02:03,695 --> 00:02:06,050
"Sow in summer, reap in fall.
16
00:02:06,295 --> 00:02:09,367
Bury your wife
when the wheat gets tall."
17
00:02:12,135 --> 00:02:15,923
Oh, excuse me.
That's his chapter on taters and loaf.
18
00:02:16,295 --> 00:02:20,288
Does it say anything in there like,
"Plant your barley, plant your rye.
19
00:02:20,495 --> 00:02:22,611
Sell a shoe before you die."
20
00:02:24,455 --> 00:02:26,685
No, Peg, it doesn't.
You must be confusing that...
21
00:02:26,895 --> 00:02:30,774
...with Farmer lggy's wife's book:
The U seless Crone's Almanac.
22
00:02:31,855 --> 00:02:34,449
Pumpkin, pumpkin,
I want you to do me a favour.
23
00:02:34,695 --> 00:02:37,448
Go to the hardware store
and get daddy some smudge pots.
24
00:02:37,815 --> 00:02:39,043
What are smudge pots?
25
00:02:39,295 --> 00:02:42,048
They keep your apples warm
so they don't get frozen.
26
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,251
You call them Marines.
27
00:02:49,535 --> 00:02:51,605
Son, I have an even
more important job for you.
28
00:02:51,815 --> 00:02:54,773
Go get me 50 pounds of manure.
29
00:02:56,735 --> 00:03:00,728
Oh, and Bud,
I need a jumbo box of tampons.
30
00:03:02,135 --> 00:03:04,729
And don't forget my 'rhoid cream.
31
00:03:06,655 --> 00:03:09,647
Anybody need anything embarrassing
while I'm at it?
32
00:03:10,175 --> 00:03:12,325
- Suppositories.
- Suppositories.
33
00:03:13,415 --> 00:03:15,451
I was just coming over to see you.
34
00:03:15,655 --> 00:03:17,327
Not right now.
I gotta go somewhere.
35
00:03:17,575 --> 00:03:20,214
- Oh, well, can I go with you?
- No.
36
00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:22,765
And don't follow me either.
37
00:03:29,655 --> 00:03:32,647
Well, Peg, I guess I'll go outside
and be alone with my apple.
38
00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:35,092
I'll just be here with my Oprah.
39
00:03:35,335 --> 00:03:39,089
I wish my apple would grow
as fast as your Oprah.
40
00:03:44,775 --> 00:03:46,731
My husband pays
too much attention to me.
41
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,927
He's always wanting sex.
What should I do?
42
00:03:50,135 --> 00:03:52,171
Send him over here.
43
00:03:53,615 --> 00:03:54,684
Peg!
44
00:03:54,895 --> 00:03:56,453
My apple's gone.
45
00:03:56,655 --> 00:03:58,213
This neighbourhood's going to hell.
46
00:03:58,415 --> 00:04:00,246
First the double homicide
and now this.
47
00:04:01,695 --> 00:04:05,051
I think there might be a connection.
There's a serial harvester at work.
48
00:04:05,295 --> 00:04:07,809
- Oh, Al, tell me you're not calling...
- Police.
49
00:04:08,055 --> 00:04:11,491
- Well, at least don't tell them you're...
- AI Bundy here.
50
00:04:12,815 --> 00:04:14,931
I'd like to report a missing apple.
51
00:04:15,175 --> 00:04:18,485
No, not some stupid computer,
I'm talking about a fruit.
52
00:04:19,055 --> 00:04:22,252
I know it's not a doughnut,
but it's important to me.
53
00:04:22,815 --> 00:04:26,285
He's transferring me
to the chief of stolen produce.
54
00:04:28,255 --> 00:04:30,007
Hey, guys.
55
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:34,766
Hello, who is this?
56
00:04:35,095 --> 00:04:37,211
Lieutenant Granny Smith.
57
00:04:38,055 --> 00:04:40,933
Wait a second. You sound like
that Officer Jalopy I talked to...
58
00:04:41,135 --> 00:04:43,126
...when I called to report
the Dodge missing.
59
00:04:43,415 --> 00:04:46,213
Okay, that's it. I'm calling the mayor.
60
00:04:47,095 --> 00:04:48,767
Who is the mayor?
61
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,565
McCheese.
62
00:04:53,655 --> 00:04:57,045
Okay, you're in trouble now, buddy.
I voted for him.
63
00:04:57,455 --> 00:04:59,411
And they say
you can't fight city hall.
64
00:05:04,815 --> 00:05:07,568
- Where'd you get that apple?
- Oh, it was in my yard.
65
00:05:07,815 --> 00:05:11,205
Oh, and it tastes
even better than it looks.
66
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:14,049
I don't wanna spoil my appetite.
67
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:18,408
Hey, that was my apple.
68
00:05:18,655 --> 00:05:20,850
- It was in my yard.
- But it was on my tree.
69
00:05:21,095 --> 00:05:22,767
The limb was hanging
over my property.
70
00:05:22,975 --> 00:05:25,205
Excuse me.
You don't have any property.
71
00:05:25,415 --> 00:05:28,293
Your wife has property,
some of which is you.
72
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:36,972
This from a man who steals our paper,
takes our bottled water...
73
00:05:37,215 --> 00:05:39,888
...and eats out of our bird feeder?
74
00:05:41,095 --> 00:05:44,405
Well, I wouldn't do that if you
didn't put out those tasty pecans.
75
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,848
Jefferson, I was writing out
a check to the workmen...
76
00:05:48,095 --> 00:05:52,327
...and I found there was only
one check left where 25 should be.
77
00:05:52,855 --> 00:05:56,325
- Did they all look like this?
- Yes.
78
00:05:56,575 --> 00:05:57,849
I'll look into it.
79
00:05:58,095 --> 00:06:00,734
Well, since you're both
in a check-writing mood...
80
00:06:00,975 --> 00:06:03,648
...l'd like to be reimbursed
for my apple.
81
00:06:04,295 --> 00:06:05,523
Pay no attention to him.
82
00:06:05,775 --> 00:06:09,245
The fence is on the property line and
the apple was on our side of the fence.
83
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,645
You can't go exactly
by where the fence line is.
84
00:06:11,855 --> 00:06:14,244
That fence was thrown together
with boards and nails.
85
00:06:14,495 --> 00:06:17,487
Peg, you remember
the slipshod way you built it.
86
00:06:18,575 --> 00:06:21,453
Yes, but at least
the fence stayed up...
87
00:06:21,695 --> 00:06:24,573
...which is more than I can say
for the foreman.
88
00:06:27,975 --> 00:06:31,331
And to think I had a stake
and didn't drive it through your heart.
89
00:06:32,695 --> 00:06:34,651
Jefferson, I'm suing you
for damages.
90
00:06:34,855 --> 00:06:36,925
Al, I'm suing you for mental stress.
91
00:06:37,175 --> 00:06:38,608
- Talk about mental stress?
- Yeah.
92
00:06:38,855 --> 00:06:42,291
How about the night your shade was up
and I watched your wife undress?
93
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:52,966
Well, how about us having
to see your son soap himself?
94
00:06:54,295 --> 00:06:57,685
Look, Jefferson, Bullwinkle.
95
00:06:57,935 --> 00:06:59,368
This is getting you nowhere.
96
00:06:59,615 --> 00:07:02,175
The way to settle
a property-line dispute is simple.
97
00:07:02,415 --> 00:07:04,565
- Get a survey done.
- That's a good idea.
98
00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:08,205
You ask 50 people, I'll ask 50 people,
and we'll just see who...
99
00:07:08,455 --> 00:07:11,925
Not that kind of survey,
you double-dip.
100
00:07:12,255 --> 00:07:15,850
- A property-line survey.
- Yeah.
101
00:07:16,095 --> 00:07:18,086
Yeah, then we'll find out
once and for all...
102
00:07:18,295 --> 00:07:19,808
...who's who and what's what.
103
00:07:20,055 --> 00:07:22,410
Good idea. But I warn you...
104
00:07:22,655 --> 00:07:24,691
...when this is all
said and done, you, sir...
105
00:07:24,895 --> 00:07:27,409
...will owe me an apple
and an apology.
106
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:29,805
And so will your husband.
107
00:07:33,575 --> 00:07:37,124
You know, Al, that surveyor
really looks familiar.
108
00:07:37,375 --> 00:07:39,969
Now, as I said...
109
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:45,974
...when parcel A and parcel B
were divided up originally...
110
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,206
...the records were destroyed by fire.
111
00:07:48,455 --> 00:07:50,047
But we do know that...
112
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:53,128
The little Partridge boy.
113
00:07:58,295 --> 00:08:03,164
Al, doesn't he look
exactly like Danny Partridge?
114
00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:07,052
Peg, please,
there's an apple at stake here.
115
00:08:07,495 --> 00:08:10,692
- He does.
- Well, I'm not.
116
00:08:10,935 --> 00:08:14,371
Now as I was saying, the Bundy land
was originally Indian land.
117
00:08:14,615 --> 00:08:17,493
Actually, it was Indian landfill.
118
00:08:17,895 --> 00:08:22,173
It's where they threw
their rotting moccasins.
119
00:08:22,415 --> 00:08:25,452
Now, it's because of that
that the real property line...
120
00:08:25,695 --> 00:08:29,404
...becomes very irregular and stinky.
121
00:08:29,695 --> 00:08:32,493
So who does the apple tree
really belong to?
122
00:08:32,735 --> 00:08:34,214
Does it really matter?
123
00:08:34,455 --> 00:08:36,923
The important thing
is that we're neighbours...
124
00:08:37,135 --> 00:08:38,363
...and we must get along.
125
00:08:38,615 --> 00:08:41,687
Well, in answer to your question,
the tree belongs...
126
00:08:41,895 --> 00:08:44,648
...to the D'Arcys.
- Yes!
127
00:08:50,455 --> 00:08:53,527
- Hey, are you sure that you aren't...?
- Yes, I'm sure.
128
00:08:53,775 --> 00:08:56,687
I've never been so sure
of anything in my entire life.
129
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,366
Let's go.
130
00:09:06,815 --> 00:09:10,728
Let's go, Danny. We gotta be
in Pittsburgh by midnight.
131
00:09:18,055 --> 00:09:19,647
Come on, get happy.
132
00:09:28,415 --> 00:09:31,327
I think since our fence line
has never been challenged before...
133
00:09:31,535 --> 00:09:34,652
...the next apple that grows
on that tree should be mine.
134
00:09:34,895 --> 00:09:38,251
Sorry, Al, you heard
what the man said.
135
00:09:41,215 --> 00:09:44,764
You mean to tell me you're gonna
believe what a crazy surveyor...
136
00:09:45,015 --> 00:09:47,370
...in a psychedelic bus says?
137
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,967
Look, Al, we agreed to abide
by the results of the survey...
138
00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,331
...and the survey says
that the tree is ours.
139
00:09:53,535 --> 00:09:54,809
That's right.
140
00:09:55,015 --> 00:09:59,452
What's yourn is yourn
and what's our'n is our'n.
141
00:09:59,695 --> 00:10:03,813
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have a little apple-celebrating to do.
142
00:10:04,055 --> 00:10:06,330
Adam and Eve style.
143
00:10:13,735 --> 00:10:15,726
I wish there was something
that I could do.
144
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:18,091
Oh, Al, just forget about the tree.
145
00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:21,850
And why don't we do something
Adam and Eve style?
146
00:10:22,335 --> 00:10:23,768
That's a good idea, Peg.
147
00:10:24,015 --> 00:10:27,325
You put a fig leaf over your face
and give me back my rib.
148
00:10:30,535 --> 00:10:32,969
Let me help you out with this, honey.
149
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:41,733
Well, here's to our new tree.
150
00:10:41,935 --> 00:10:43,209
What should we call it?
151
00:10:43,455 --> 00:10:45,571
How about firewood?
152
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,766
That's the beauty
of the law, Jefferson.
153
00:10:49,975 --> 00:10:52,694
It makes ownership specific
and unquestioned.
154
00:10:52,935 --> 00:10:55,085
I think that's what our ancestors
had in mind...
155
00:10:55,335 --> 00:10:58,407
...when they massacred the Indians
and wrote the Bill of Rights.
156
00:11:10,575 --> 00:11:11,974
Al.
157
00:11:12,215 --> 00:11:14,365
Al Bundy,
what do you think you're doing?
158
00:11:14,615 --> 00:11:16,845
Going blind if you stand up.
159
00:11:21,975 --> 00:11:24,284
Look, Al, this happens to be
a private party...
160
00:11:24,495 --> 00:11:26,884
...so we'd appreciate it
if you get out of our yard.
161
00:11:27,095 --> 00:11:28,528
But this isn't your yard.
162
00:11:28,735 --> 00:11:31,010
If you had read your map
a little more carefully...
163
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:34,127
...you would have seen
that this property belongs to me.
164
00:11:34,335 --> 00:11:37,691
Welcome to Bundiana.
165
00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:00,603
He's right.
166
00:12:00,815 --> 00:12:03,329
Our barbecue is on their property.
167
00:12:08,215 --> 00:12:12,049
Al, I didn't realize how much
that apple tree meant to you.
168
00:12:12,255 --> 00:12:14,052
It would be wrong of us to keep it.
169
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:17,565
So we'll give you your tree back
in exchange for our barbecue.
170
00:12:18,615 --> 00:12:20,048
Tell you what I'll do.
171
00:12:20,295 --> 00:12:23,173
I'll give you a part
of your barbecue back.
172
00:12:33,655 --> 00:12:34,883
Peggy Bundy.
173
00:12:35,095 --> 00:12:38,451
I would expect this kind of aboriginal
behaviour from the mud people...
174
00:12:38,695 --> 00:12:41,528
...but I'm surprised you're out here
supporting this outrage.
175
00:12:41,775 --> 00:12:43,367
I'm really sorry.
176
00:12:43,575 --> 00:12:47,648
But it's not often Al offers
to take us on a family picnic.
177
00:12:48,695 --> 00:12:51,209
No need to apologise,
is there, Marcie?
178
00:12:51,455 --> 00:12:54,128
After all, what's our'n is our'n...
179
00:12:54,335 --> 00:12:57,327
...and what's yourn is yourn.
180
00:13:06,175 --> 00:13:07,847
Excuse me, Mom.
181
00:13:12,535 --> 00:13:15,686
- Excuse me, but these are ours.
- Not anymore.
182
00:13:15,935 --> 00:13:18,244
Some never were.
183
00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:29,854
Don't worry, dear,
I'll take care of this.
184
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:42,243
Then when I opened
the bedroom door...
185
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:47,893
...I saw him making love
not only to a woman but a...
186
00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:50,644
What happened? What happened?
187
00:13:51,175 --> 00:13:52,608
Sorry, Peggy...
188
00:13:52,855 --> 00:13:56,643
...but your cable line seems
to have passed through our property.
189
00:13:56,975 --> 00:13:59,853
Al.
190
00:14:00,095 --> 00:14:03,167
They killed Oprah.
191
00:14:04,655 --> 00:14:06,930
Now, look.
Look what you've done to my wife.
192
00:14:07,175 --> 00:14:09,211
Don't you realize
that without cable TV...
193
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,610
...she'll wanna talk to me now.
194
00:14:13,015 --> 00:14:16,007
You should've thought of that
before you stole our barbecue.
195
00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:18,931
Two can play at this game.
196
00:14:20,135 --> 00:14:23,013
Get out of my way, gluteus minimus.
197
00:14:28,255 --> 00:14:30,211
Hey, hey, hey.
That's our phone line.
198
00:14:30,535 --> 00:14:32,491
It's on my property.
199
00:14:55,615 --> 00:14:57,207
Oh, good, our first customer.
200
00:14:58,735 --> 00:15:02,091
As you can see,
this driveway belongs to us...
201
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:05,008
...but we'll be glad to let you use it,
won't we, Jefferson?
202
00:15:05,215 --> 00:15:07,604
Sure, as long as he pays the toll.
203
00:15:07,855 --> 00:15:11,131
- How much is it?
- Fifteen-hundred dollars.
204
00:15:12,415 --> 00:15:14,087
Exact change, please.
205
00:15:14,335 --> 00:15:16,724
Fifteen-hundred dollars?
Are you crazy?
206
00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:21,292
Who you calling crazy, punk?
207
00:15:25,895 --> 00:15:27,533
Your wife.
208
00:15:27,735 --> 00:15:31,011
I don't need the stinking driveway.
I'll drive out through my yard.
209
00:15:44,815 --> 00:15:46,692
I wish they'd hurry up
and fix our cable.
210
00:15:46,935 --> 00:15:49,290
Me too. I hate nature shows.
211
00:15:49,535 --> 00:15:53,608
How much longer do we have to watch
the mating habits of the sea anemone?
212
00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:06,853
Well, at least it's better
than watching them act out Martin.
213
00:16:08,015 --> 00:16:12,452
I just didn't buy it when Bud
kept saying, "I gots to have it."
214
00:16:13,695 --> 00:16:15,492
I'll get it.
215
00:16:26,655 --> 00:16:30,330
Hi. I'm the building code inspector.
Are you the one that called?
216
00:16:30,575 --> 00:16:32,008
I am.
217
00:16:35,655 --> 00:16:37,134
- Aren't you...?
- No.
218
00:16:37,375 --> 00:16:39,252
Don't even ask. I'm not him.
219
00:16:39,495 --> 00:16:43,124
I've never been him.
I can't even stand the little creep.
220
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:47,772
Now, I understand you wanted
to report an illegal driveway.
221
00:16:48,015 --> 00:16:50,370
Yes, I did, inspector.
That one right out there.
222
00:16:50,615 --> 00:16:53,687
If you look carefully you can see
that it's built nowhere near code.
223
00:16:53,895 --> 00:16:57,729
I know because I built it myself
out of ground-up women's shoes.
224
00:16:58,535 --> 00:16:59,809
How much is the fine?
225
00:17:00,335 --> 00:17:03,691
Well, since you turned yourself in,
I think I'll let it go at $100.
226
00:17:03,895 --> 00:17:07,444
I see. What if I said I built it that way
just to make you look like an idiot?
227
00:17:08,575 --> 00:17:11,692
Then that would be $1500.
228
00:17:12,215 --> 00:17:16,003
And what if we called you
a moron to boot?
229
00:17:16,855 --> 00:17:18,607
Two thousand dollars.
230
00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:22,291
Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman
from Diff'rent Strok es?
231
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:25,127
No. I am not.
232
00:17:25,455 --> 00:17:28,367
Good. I hated that show.
233
00:17:29,335 --> 00:17:30,893
Five thousand dollars.
234
00:17:38,295 --> 00:17:40,251
Don't give it to me.
It's not my driveway.
235
00:17:40,495 --> 00:17:42,451
See, it belongs
to those people next door...
236
00:17:42,655 --> 00:17:44,247
...but they might not let you in...
237
00:17:44,495 --> 00:17:47,771
...because the only black person
they respect is Ted Danson.
238
00:17:50,775 --> 00:17:53,130
What you talking about, Bundy?
239
00:17:58,455 --> 00:18:00,923
Oh, hell, now I have to fine myself.
240
00:18:05,815 --> 00:18:08,613
That was great, Al. You got him.
241
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:12,928
Tune in next week
for another exciting episode of Cops.
242
00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:21,728
I hate playing the hairy drug dealer.
243
00:18:23,495 --> 00:18:25,167
Come in, Jefferson.
244
00:18:28,735 --> 00:18:31,010
Good one, Al. I gotta hand it to you...
245
00:18:31,215 --> 00:18:34,969
...you're a formidable adversary.
You've certainly won my respect.
246
00:18:35,575 --> 00:18:38,169
Does that mean I'll get the use
of my driveway back?
247
00:18:38,415 --> 00:18:40,770
Well, we've already taken
the toll booth down...
248
00:18:41,015 --> 00:18:43,734
...and I can promise
that you'll never have to worry...
249
00:18:43,935 --> 00:18:47,928
...about that little
driveway problem again.
250
00:18:49,375 --> 00:18:52,765
Three, two, one.
251
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,411
I guess I should have brought
some extra earmuffs with me.
252
00:19:03,655 --> 00:19:05,168
What?
253
00:19:05,935 --> 00:19:07,812
So long.
254
00:19:08,655 --> 00:19:10,885
What'd he call me?
255
00:19:12,015 --> 00:19:14,927
Why would I want any cheese?
256
00:19:16,215 --> 00:19:20,731
I never realized what a turn-on
handling heavy explosives could be.
257
00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:23,244
Well, you came to the right place.
258
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:27,090
My pyjamas are filled with dynamite.
259
00:19:32,535 --> 00:19:35,811
Jefferson, the earth
is moving for me.
260
00:19:36,055 --> 00:19:39,127
Hey, it's moving for me too.
261
00:19:39,375 --> 00:19:41,445
Damn, I'm good.
262
00:19:42,495 --> 00:19:44,770
You're not this good.
263
00:19:50,895 --> 00:19:52,613
Oh, my God. It's Al.
264
00:19:52,855 --> 00:19:55,210
He's jacking up the house.
265
00:20:02,415 --> 00:20:04,929
We're even now.
266
00:20:25,055 --> 00:20:28,206
Hello, Fred? Jefferson D'Arcy.
267
00:20:28,455 --> 00:20:32,971
Say, does your son
still have that rocket launcher?
268
00:20:51,415 --> 00:20:53,770
There's probably a lesson
to be learned from this...
269
00:20:53,975 --> 00:20:56,205
...but I'll be damned
if I know what it is.
270
00:20:59,455 --> 00:21:01,127
Hey, Al...
271
00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:03,087
...l've been doing a lot of thinking...
272
00:21:03,335 --> 00:21:06,566
...and I've decided to apologise.
- We both want to.
273
00:21:06,815 --> 00:21:09,773
Friendship is much more important
than material things.
274
00:21:10,055 --> 00:21:11,852
Oh, you're right, Marcie.
275
00:21:12,095 --> 00:21:14,609
I wanna be friends too. Al?
276
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,648
We're married, Peg,
we can't be friends.
277
00:21:19,415 --> 00:21:22,293
I think she meant
with the D'Arcys, Dad.
278
00:21:23,135 --> 00:21:26,013
Well, I guess it's all right
to try to mend our friendship.
279
00:21:26,255 --> 00:21:28,974
Dad, they blew out
the wall of our house.
280
00:21:29,215 --> 00:21:33,731
Bud's room is a mess.
There's rubber body parts everywhere.
281
00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:37,531
I know, pumpkin.
282
00:21:37,855 --> 00:21:40,733
But all the more reason
we should extend the hand...
283
00:21:40,935 --> 00:21:42,732
...of forgiveness.
284
00:21:42,975 --> 00:21:45,728
Our other neighbours
will hear of this grand gesture...
285
00:21:45,935 --> 00:21:47,527
...and be pleased.
286
00:21:47,935 --> 00:21:49,926
Then other communities will come...
287
00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:52,609
...to see the D'Arcys
and the Bundys...
288
00:21:52,815 --> 00:21:54,965
...living side by side in peace.
289
00:21:56,935 --> 00:21:58,971
Then whole cities will take note.
290
00:21:59,215 --> 00:22:00,728
Then countries.
291
00:22:00,975 --> 00:22:03,091
And who knows, maybe someday...
292
00:22:03,295 --> 00:22:04,808
...in a universe far away...
293
00:22:08,855 --> 00:22:11,369
- It's on my side.
- It's on my side. It's mine!1
00:01:18,174 --> 00:01:20,369
Hey, Mom. What you doing?
2
00:01:20,574 --> 00:01:24,567
I'm looking through the Valentines I've
gotten from your father over the years.
3
00:01:24,814 --> 00:01:27,931
He was really
quite the romantic in his day.
4
00:01:29,974 --> 00:01:32,613
"I lik e coffee
I lik e tea
5
00:01:32,814 --> 00:01:35,044
I lik e you
I lik e me"
6
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,250
He was really stuck on us.
7
00:01:43,774 --> 00:01:46,652
Oh, here's something
you don't see every day.
8
00:01:46,894 --> 00:01:49,727
What? A Valentine's for Bud?
9
00:01:51,374 --> 00:01:54,093
- Yes.
- Oh, wow.
10
00:01:54,774 --> 00:01:56,093
It's never even been opened.
11
00:01:56,294 --> 00:01:58,489
Well, hold it up to the light.
See who it's from.
12
00:01:58,694 --> 00:02:00,491
Oh, good idea.
13
00:02:10,094 --> 00:02:12,085
"Bernice Winchester."
14
00:02:12,294 --> 00:02:16,082
I remember this. Bernice gave it to me
and I was supposed to give it to Bud.
15
00:02:16,334 --> 00:02:19,246
- When?
- Six years ago.
16
00:02:19,894 --> 00:02:24,172
Well, you can just give it to him today,
unless he's gotten some new ones.
17
00:02:24,414 --> 00:02:27,724
Well, we'll know soon. I think
I hear him checking the mailbox now.
18
00:02:27,934 --> 00:02:29,572
Damn you!
19
00:02:30,254 --> 00:02:32,324
Damn you all!
20
00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:35,651
Damn the whole damned world!
21
00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:37,973
I'll give it to him today.
22
00:02:48,454 --> 00:02:50,684
I take it there's no mail.
23
00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:53,812
Well, actually,
you got a Valentine's Day card.
24
00:02:54,054 --> 00:02:55,487
Yeah, right.
25
00:02:55,734 --> 00:02:58,851
Bud, there really
is a card here for you.
26
00:02:59,374 --> 00:03:01,444
Really, Mommy? Really?
27
00:03:03,094 --> 00:03:05,562
It's not another one from Grandma?
28
00:03:07,014 --> 00:03:09,369
Or Buck?
29
00:03:12,014 --> 00:03:14,403
What? Dinner?
30
00:03:14,774 --> 00:03:17,163
No? Okay.
31
00:03:17,814 --> 00:03:20,328
Before you open it,
there's something I should tell you.
32
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,288
Now, I was supposed to give this
to you six years ago, but I forgot.
33
00:03:24,494 --> 00:03:27,213
Well, because quite frankly,
you repulsed me.
34
00:03:29,094 --> 00:03:31,085
Come on, it's just a stupid
Valentine's card.
35
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,933
It's not like you missed
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
36
00:03:34,174 --> 00:03:37,530
"Dearest Bud, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
37
00:03:41,014 --> 00:03:45,565
My parents won't be home tonight
and I need you more than anything.
38
00:03:51,134 --> 00:03:54,490
Please don't stand me up.
It would destroy me.
39
00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:56,685
Love, Bernice Winchester."
40
00:03:58,534 --> 00:03:59,967
Kelly...
41
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,324
...do you know
who Bernice Winchester is?
42
00:04:04,414 --> 00:04:08,009
Yeah. She's a girl we went
to school with who liked you...
43
00:04:08,254 --> 00:04:11,371
...and coincidentally got kicked
in the head a lot during soccer.
44
00:04:13,054 --> 00:04:15,932
Not quite, Miss Festival Seating.
45
00:04:18,694 --> 00:04:23,404
For your information, Bernice
Winchester is now Crystal Brooks.
46
00:04:23,894 --> 00:04:25,612
Crystal Brooks the pop star?
47
00:04:25,854 --> 00:04:27,367
And she likes our Bud?
48
00:04:28,974 --> 00:04:32,808
I mean, of course she likes our Bud.
49
00:04:33,014 --> 00:04:35,767
Who wouldn't? Bud sizzles.
50
00:04:38,414 --> 00:04:39,733
Well, I'm gonna find Crystal.
51
00:04:39,974 --> 00:04:42,727
I'm gonna find her
and tell her I never got her card.
52
00:04:47,214 --> 00:04:51,253
Peg, something weird's going on.
Daughters are going wild...
53
00:04:51,454 --> 00:04:55,606
...men are openly weeping and women
are storing chocolate in their cheeks.
54
00:04:56,094 --> 00:04:57,891
Is it winter?
55
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,449
Al, do you know
what day it is today?
56
00:05:02,654 --> 00:05:05,851
Well, sure I do.
It's... It's our anniversary.
57
00:05:06,934 --> 00:05:11,052
It's Valentine's Day.
I take it you got me nothing.
58
00:05:11,334 --> 00:05:13,564
Come on, Peg,
I knew it was Valentine's Day.
59
00:05:13,774 --> 00:05:16,891
I got you something right here.
60
00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:18,687
I got you this here dollar.
61
00:05:18,894 --> 00:05:22,603
Now, this dollar
is a special dollar, Peg...
62
00:05:22,854 --> 00:05:27,689
...because, if you see,
the serial number ends in a... D.
63
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:32,684
D means "Happy Valentine's Day."
64
00:05:40,814 --> 00:05:43,169
"Day," Peg.
65
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:47,928
You stink, Al. Stink.
66
00:05:49,214 --> 00:05:51,364
It's the smell of fear, Peg.
67
00:05:52,014 --> 00:05:55,165
Come on, honey.
You were so romantic in high school.
68
00:05:55,374 --> 00:05:56,853
Why, just look at this.
69
00:05:59,174 --> 00:06:03,167
"I love your hooters, I love your ass,
What say we meet after class?"
70
00:06:07,814 --> 00:06:11,443
I was the silver-tongued devil,
wasn't I?
71
00:06:13,174 --> 00:06:14,846
I want you to be like that again.
72
00:06:15,094 --> 00:06:18,689
Well, Peg,
I want you to be like that again.
73
00:06:19,614 --> 00:06:21,809
- Oh, never mind.
- What's the matter, Peg?
74
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:24,130
- I want romance.
- Well, what is romance?
75
00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:25,733
You figure it out.
76
00:06:25,974 --> 00:06:27,692
That takes me back
to the honeymoon.
77
00:06:28,814 --> 00:06:32,045
Don't tell me what's romantic.
I know what's romantic.
78
00:06:32,294 --> 00:06:33,693
Kelly, what's romantic?
79
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:38,849
Daddy, you know. Women like candy
and flowers and cards.
80
00:06:39,054 --> 00:06:41,090
Not with some naked fat chick
on it going:
81
00:06:41,294 --> 00:06:43,410
"I know it's around here somewhere."
82
00:06:44,054 --> 00:06:46,170
I like that one.
83
00:06:47,094 --> 00:06:52,214
Daddy, it's Valentine's Day. Women
like men to be sweet and sensitive.
84
00:06:52,894 --> 00:06:56,967
Whoa, babe, your knobs look huge.
85
00:06:58,294 --> 00:07:01,923
- You ready?
- Yes, and don't call me "babe."
86
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:05,485
Daddy, this is my Valentine's date,
Mayhem.
87
00:07:05,974 --> 00:07:07,692
Charmed.
88
00:07:09,534 --> 00:07:10,933
Bye.
89
00:07:19,894 --> 00:07:22,283
Oh, to be young and free.
90
00:07:22,534 --> 00:07:25,924
What the hell?
I'm good-looking and kept.
91
00:07:26,174 --> 00:07:28,529
Oh, Jefferson, you Judas.
92
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:30,850
You knew the beast of all holidays
was upon us.
93
00:07:31,054 --> 00:07:34,285
Now where can I go
get some Valentine Day crap?
94
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:40,372
Look, Al, it's 7:30 on Valentine's Day.
The malls are picked clean.
95
00:07:40,574 --> 00:07:42,644
- Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
- Hey, Bud.
96
00:07:42,854 --> 00:07:44,970
You tell Kelly
I found Crystal Brooks.
97
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,972
She's performing here
and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel.
98
00:07:48,214 --> 00:07:50,409
I'm gonna go see her
and set things straight.
99
00:07:50,614 --> 00:07:53,287
"Ha, ha, witchy woman. Bite me."
100
00:07:55,254 --> 00:07:56,846
Did you get that?
101
00:07:57,054 --> 00:08:00,012
Yeah. He wants Emperor Crystal
to bite him.
102
00:08:00,694 --> 00:08:02,412
Anyway, Al,
here's what you better do.
103
00:08:02,614 --> 00:08:04,525
You better get thee
to the Valentine store.
104
00:08:04,774 --> 00:08:06,492
Good idea.
105
00:08:16,414 --> 00:08:19,451
What's a Valentine store?
106
00:08:20,774 --> 00:08:24,005
Well, it's a specialty shop
that caters to rogue husbands like you.
107
00:08:24,214 --> 00:08:26,205
It's a little more expensive.
Their motto is:
108
00:08:26,414 --> 00:08:29,372
"You're so desperate,
we don't need a motto."
109
00:08:30,254 --> 00:08:34,247
Well, next time you ought to think
and shop ahead like me.
110
00:08:56,214 --> 00:08:59,286
Good day.
Good day, my good man.
111
00:08:59,694 --> 00:09:02,003
Would you be so kind
as to tell Miss Brooks...
112
00:09:02,214 --> 00:09:04,728
...that Bud Bundy's here at last?
Here at last.
113
00:09:04,934 --> 00:09:07,971
Thank God Almighty,
he's here at last.
114
00:09:13,294 --> 00:09:15,524
Well, I see someone's
Hooked-on-Phonics tape...
115
00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:17,292
...was lost in the mail.
116
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,686
No problem.
117
00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:27,933
You tell Miss Brooks
that Bud is here...
118
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,932
...and there's a cool nickel in it
for you.
119
00:09:33,174 --> 00:09:34,368
Now what do you say?
120
00:09:58,134 --> 00:10:00,773
Hello again, my good man.
121
00:10:00,974 --> 00:10:03,204
I think perhaps you mistook me...
122
00:10:03,414 --> 00:10:06,008
...for either one of Miss Brook's
eager young groupies...
123
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:08,330
...or something made by Wham-O.
124
00:10:09,054 --> 00:10:11,693
Now, if you'll notice...
125
00:10:11,894 --> 00:10:15,250
...I have here a handwritten card
from our Miss Brooks...
126
00:10:15,454 --> 00:10:18,446
...which should prove beyond a doubt,
not only do I know her...
127
00:10:18,654 --> 00:10:21,612
...but at one time
I could have even boinked her.
128
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:26,972
Now...
129
00:10:27,774 --> 00:10:29,605
...you have three seconds
to announce me.
130
00:10:30,094 --> 00:10:32,608
It's Bud Bundy.
131
00:10:41,454 --> 00:10:47,848
I have here this last box
of 12 bite-size assorted chocolates.
132
00:10:49,414 --> 00:10:53,202
The opening bid is $25.
133
00:10:53,454 --> 00:10:55,251
Get a move on, Omar, it's after 9.
134
00:10:55,494 --> 00:10:58,930
In that case, the opening bid is $35.
135
00:10:59,614 --> 00:11:01,923
Thirty-five dollars.
136
00:11:02,174 --> 00:11:04,768
- Do I hear 45?
- Forty-five.
137
00:11:05,014 --> 00:11:07,847
- Fifty-five.
- Do I hear 65?
138
00:11:08,094 --> 00:11:09,925
Sixty-five.
139
00:11:10,334 --> 00:11:13,406
- Seventy-five!
- Do I hear 85?
140
00:11:13,694 --> 00:11:14,809
I'll go...
141
00:11:19,614 --> 00:11:22,651
Sold to the... Shoe salesman?
142
00:11:24,014 --> 00:11:28,166
- Yes.
- For $75.
143
00:11:28,414 --> 00:11:32,851
I won! I won!
I bought chocolates for $75. Give me.
144
00:11:58,494 --> 00:12:01,213
Okay, Sasquatch...
145
00:12:02,374 --> 00:12:03,648
...it's checkout time.
146
00:12:08,814 --> 00:12:13,410
Oh, good, they sent
a cute one this time.
147
00:12:14,374 --> 00:12:15,693
What?
148
00:12:16,214 --> 00:12:19,968
Oh, for the love of God, no, no!
149
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:25,086
Help me!
150
00:12:34,934 --> 00:12:38,563
Mommy!
151
00:12:43,574 --> 00:12:47,613
Now serving number 2009.
152
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,207
That's mine.
153
00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:53,450
I'd like one dozen red roses.
154
00:12:53,694 --> 00:12:57,243
One bouquet of wallet breakers.
155
00:13:00,774 --> 00:13:03,686
Okay, sir,
now, how do you intend to pay?
156
00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:06,892
Cash, check or deed to your house?
157
00:13:07,734 --> 00:13:08,849
Do you take blood?
158
00:13:16,774 --> 00:13:18,890
What can I get for 50 bucks?
159
00:13:33,774 --> 00:13:36,208
Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.
160
00:13:41,494 --> 00:13:45,806
Well, it's about time you got here.
You must walk my Winky.
161
00:13:46,774 --> 00:13:50,733
I'm not your bellhop.
You can walk your own Winky.
162
00:13:51,454 --> 00:13:54,810
Pay you $50.
Here, Winky. Here, boy.
163
00:14:06,654 --> 00:14:08,724
Whoa, boy!
164
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,487
Winky!
165
00:15:38,214 --> 00:15:41,490
This is a good hotel.
166
00:15:48,454 --> 00:15:51,412
Mommy!
167
00:16:02,054 --> 00:16:03,612
Hi there.
168
00:16:03,814 --> 00:16:05,930
It's me. Bud Bundy.
169
00:16:07,374 --> 00:16:09,092
Well, I guess
you don't recognize me...
170
00:16:09,294 --> 00:16:12,172
...because I bulked up a little
since the last time you saw me.
171
00:16:14,894 --> 00:16:16,930
Let me refresh your memory.
172
00:16:17,134 --> 00:16:20,206
Six years ago,
you sent me a touching Valentine...
173
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:22,484
...which I never received until today.
174
00:16:22,694 --> 00:16:25,811
Now, I know we can never be lovers.
175
00:16:28,694 --> 00:16:33,688
Look, if it's any consolation at all,
I would have come over that night...
176
00:16:33,894 --> 00:16:39,173
...and we would have made beautiful,
passionate, hot monkey love.
177
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:45,765
Crystal, someone's here to see you.
178
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:54,213
Hi there.
179
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,974
It's me. Bud Bundy.
180
00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:59,883
- I guess you don't recognize me...
- I heard you, Bud.
181
00:17:00,094 --> 00:17:03,086
That was a long time ago.
I've moved on.
182
00:17:04,294 --> 00:17:06,410
Well, so have I.
183
00:17:06,614 --> 00:17:09,003
There are plenty of women
in my life too.
184
00:17:09,214 --> 00:17:13,048
Just five minutes ago,
I had group sex.
185
00:17:16,334 --> 00:17:20,122
Look, I just came to apologize.
186
00:17:21,414 --> 00:17:24,008
I guess there's nothing else to say.
187
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,687
Good luck with your career.
188
00:17:25,894 --> 00:17:27,964
I'm going to college myself...
189
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,967
...unlike people
who go to college together.
190
00:17:32,294 --> 00:17:33,647
No chance on that lover thing?
191
00:17:35,014 --> 00:17:36,003
Sorry.
192
00:17:39,294 --> 00:17:41,205
I guess I'll see you, huh?
193
00:17:42,934 --> 00:17:45,971
Don't bother. I'll throw myself out.
194
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:48,770
Well, right behind you.
195
00:17:51,614 --> 00:17:54,333
Oh, so what if Al forgot
Valentine's Day?
196
00:17:54,534 --> 00:17:57,844
He's not an elephant. He's a pig.
197
00:17:58,574 --> 00:18:00,929
Besides, Valentine's Day
is degrading.
198
00:18:01,134 --> 00:18:04,444
It's just another commercial holiday
made up by Merlin Olsen...
199
00:18:04,654 --> 00:18:08,249
...and the Hershey candy mob
to fatten their wallets on our guilt.
200
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:10,604
It's just disgusting.
201
00:18:11,054 --> 00:18:15,093
- Is Jefferson getting you anything?
- lf he knows what's good for him.
202
00:18:15,814 --> 00:18:17,406
I would have gotten him something...
203
00:18:17,614 --> 00:18:19,889
...but I seem to have misplaced
my credit card.
204
00:18:23,174 --> 00:18:25,130
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
205
00:18:25,374 --> 00:18:28,127
Oh, Jefferson.
206
00:18:29,054 --> 00:18:32,126
A crystal penguin.
207
00:18:32,574 --> 00:18:36,283
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
208
00:18:36,494 --> 00:18:37,722
Must have cost a fortune.
209
00:18:38,094 --> 00:18:40,847
Hey, price means nothing to me.
210
00:18:43,854 --> 00:18:47,529
Say, isn't that your credit card?
211
00:18:48,854 --> 00:18:53,450
Why, yes. Oh, this is my lucky day.
212
00:18:54,014 --> 00:18:59,213
Let's go home, honey, because I have
a special Valentine treat for you too.
213
00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:06,445
- What's that?
- Well, that all depends...
214
00:19:06,654 --> 00:19:10,203
...on whether or not this bird
was charged to my credit card.
215
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:15,363
Marcie, it's not me, it's the voices.
They compel me.
216
00:19:22,814 --> 00:19:26,124
Kelly, I thought
you were out with Maytag.
217
00:19:27,054 --> 00:19:29,773
Mayhem. He was my 8:00 date.
218
00:19:30,014 --> 00:19:32,812
My real date is Pinworm.
He's picking me up at 11.
219
00:19:33,014 --> 00:19:35,448
Well, if he makes bail.
220
00:19:36,894 --> 00:19:38,725
Happy...
221
00:19:39,694 --> 00:19:41,412
What is it?
222
00:19:41,734 --> 00:19:43,292
Valentine's Day.
223
00:19:43,854 --> 00:19:47,403
Valentine's Day.
Here's your...
224
00:19:47,774 --> 00:19:49,685
Here's your candy.
225
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:52,691
Here's your card.
226
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:58,046
And if you get this in the ground
by spring, here's your flowers.
227
00:20:01,254 --> 00:20:03,814
Bean sprouts.
228
00:20:04,054 --> 00:20:07,126
Oh, Al, you're wonderful.
229
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,163
You're a little slice of heaven
yourself.
230
00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:12,808
- Can I go now, Peg?
- Oh, let's go upstairs together.
231
00:20:13,014 --> 00:20:15,812
What? No, wait.
We had a deal. No sex.
232
00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:17,811
- That was on Easter.
- Well, what's this?
233
00:20:18,014 --> 00:20:20,812
- Valentine's.
- Oh, Peg!
234
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,212
Hey, Bud.
235
00:20:30,414 --> 00:20:31,927
What happened with Crystal?
236
00:20:32,134 --> 00:20:36,969
Well, I apologized, she understood...
237
00:20:37,174 --> 00:20:41,326
...and then her bodyguard Skee-Balled
me the entire length of the building.
238
00:20:41,934 --> 00:20:45,290
I did, however,
meet a lovely woman named Rita.
239
00:20:46,134 --> 00:20:47,533
And I learned something.
240
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:51,966
In space, no one really
can hear you scream.
241
00:20:54,094 --> 00:20:57,564
- Good night.
- Bud, I'm really sorry.
242
00:20:57,814 --> 00:21:01,568
If anyone gives me a love note for you
again, I promise I'll deliver it. Okay?
243
00:21:02,454 --> 00:21:05,446
You're not saying that
because you know I'll never get one?
244
00:21:17,414 --> 00:21:20,247
- Kelly? I'm Crystal Brooks.
- Oh, hi.
245
00:21:20,454 --> 00:21:22,524
- Is Bud here?
- Yeah, you want me to get him?
246
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:24,372
No, I've gotta get to my concert.
247
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:28,283
Howie Mandel opens for me
and the crowd hates it when I'm late.
248
00:21:28,494 --> 00:21:30,564
Would you please
give him this message?
249
00:21:30,774 --> 00:21:34,130
Tell him to meet me
at the hotel after the concert.
250
00:21:34,374 --> 00:21:35,602
- Okay.
- Please.
251
00:21:35,814 --> 00:21:38,374
- Don't worry. I will.
- lf he stands me up this time...
252
00:21:38,574 --> 00:21:40,246
...he's had it.
- Okay. Bye.
253
00:21:40,894 --> 00:21:43,362
- Hey, Bud.
- Yeah?
254
00:21:43,574 --> 00:21:47,169
Whoa, babe,
your butt looks bitching.
255
00:21:52,414 --> 00:21:54,211
- You ready?
- Yeah.
256
00:21:54,454 --> 00:21:57,730
Wait. There's something
I was supposed to do.
257
00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:01,294
Oh, my coat.
258
00:22:01,774 --> 00:22:04,686
I would forget my head
if it wasn't attached to...
259
00:22:05,094 --> 00:22:08,404
Well, I forgot what it was attached to.
Let's go.1
00:01:27,139 --> 00:01:31,610
Well, here we are, my dear.
"Casa de Bundy."
2
00:01:32,979 --> 00:01:36,255
Otherwise known as
"Home of the Whopper."
3
00:01:37,459 --> 00:01:39,973
I don't know, Bud.
What if your parents come in?
4
00:01:40,219 --> 00:01:42,494
Relax, babe. They're in Milwaukee.
5
00:01:42,699 --> 00:01:45,736
It's the first stop
on Oprah's "Fatapalooza Tour."
6
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:49,336
They're displaying the weight she lost
in giant glass jars.
7
00:01:49,619 --> 00:01:52,213
Many giant glass jars.
8
00:01:52,539 --> 00:01:54,097
They've taken the Dodge.
9
00:01:54,339 --> 00:01:55,772
Actually, it's "Dodgenstein."
10
00:01:56,019 --> 00:01:58,453
Made from the parts
of other dead Dodges.
11
00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,298
Now...
12
00:02:06,899 --> 00:02:10,528
Now, what say me and you
slip out of these dry clothes...
13
00:02:10,779 --> 00:02:13,213
...and into a wet me and you.
14
00:02:14,739 --> 00:02:16,377
But what if your sister comes in?
15
00:02:16,859 --> 00:02:20,374
I wouldn't worry about her.
I've given her a little task.
16
00:02:21,259 --> 00:02:23,090
Waldo?
17
00:02:29,699 --> 00:02:33,931
Okay, he's not in the garage.
That much we know.
18
00:02:34,339 --> 00:02:36,933
And you just keep looking, Kel.
You're doing a great job.
19
00:02:37,219 --> 00:02:38,698
I know. Maybe he's upstairs.
20
00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:40,858
Maybe so. Maybe no.
21
00:02:41,099 --> 00:02:43,977
That's what makes finding Waldo
such a great game.
22
00:02:44,619 --> 00:02:46,849
Yeah, well, he can run
but he can't hide.
23
00:02:47,099 --> 00:02:48,578
Because no one can outsmart me...
24
00:02:48,819 --> 00:02:51,128
...once I start using
the old grey mattress.
25
00:02:54,979 --> 00:02:56,492
That's my sister, Kelly.
26
00:02:56,739 --> 00:02:59,173
She's very special.
27
00:03:00,059 --> 00:03:02,289
Now, where were we?
28
00:03:05,659 --> 00:03:07,331
I'm scared, Bud.
29
00:03:07,579 --> 00:03:10,696
I mean, you don't know
how strict my dad is.
30
00:03:10,939 --> 00:03:14,409
Last time I got caught like this,
I was grounded for six months...
31
00:03:14,659 --> 00:03:16,854
...and the team couldn't go
to the Rose Bowl.
32
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:24,537
We can't get caught. Come here.
33
00:03:26,419 --> 00:03:29,172
Listen, why don't we put
those pretty little lips...
34
00:03:29,419 --> 00:03:32,377
...to something more useful, like me.
35
00:03:41,939 --> 00:03:45,978
Lisa Pruner. I am telling your father.
36
00:03:46,619 --> 00:03:49,008
Can't get caught, huh?
37
00:04:07,579 --> 00:04:10,855
Women. Can't live with them...
38
00:04:11,139 --> 00:04:12,731
...the end.
39
00:04:14,579 --> 00:04:15,853
What happened to the tour?
40
00:04:16,099 --> 00:04:18,738
Well, your father hit a speed bump...
41
00:04:18,979 --> 00:04:22,016
...and the Dodge couldn't make it
to the top.
42
00:04:22,979 --> 00:04:24,412
It was awful, Bud.
43
00:04:24,659 --> 00:04:27,173
We rolled backwards, uncontrollably.
44
00:04:27,419 --> 00:04:31,128
Sometimes reaching speeds
upwards of two miles an hour.
45
00:04:31,979 --> 00:04:36,177
Fortunately we were jolted to a halt
by an anthill...
46
00:04:36,419 --> 00:04:39,013
...which survived the impact.
47
00:04:40,019 --> 00:04:43,694
You know, Peg, I'm starting to sense
you're not too fond of the Dodge.
48
00:04:45,219 --> 00:04:49,007
No, Al. I'm not too fond
of war and injustice.
49
00:04:49,259 --> 00:04:51,295
I freaking hate the Dodge.
50
00:04:52,699 --> 00:04:55,418
Now, look,
I know I've said this before...
51
00:04:55,659 --> 00:04:57,536
...but this time I'm serious.
52
00:04:57,779 --> 00:04:59,815
I want you to sell that car.
53
00:05:00,059 --> 00:05:01,617
Sell the Dodge?
54
00:05:01,859 --> 00:05:03,417
My Dodge?
55
00:05:03,659 --> 00:05:05,217
I will never sell the Dodge, Peg.
56
00:05:05,459 --> 00:05:08,178
That car's tied with some
of the great memories of my life.
57
00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:11,530
Who can forget the tailgate party
before the Bears' championship game?
58
00:05:12,019 --> 00:05:15,898
Oh, the game we missed
because the engine caught on fire?
59
00:05:16,739 --> 00:05:18,855
Okay, well, how about Christmas
at the lake?
60
00:05:19,179 --> 00:05:21,852
You mean Christmas in the lake.
61
00:05:23,219 --> 00:05:25,130
When the brakes failed.
62
00:05:25,739 --> 00:05:29,448
Fine. Well, how did you get
to the hospital when Bud was born?
63
00:05:29,699 --> 00:05:31,212
Taxi.
64
00:05:31,939 --> 00:05:37,297
And why? Because I drove
to the pool hall in the Dodge.
65
00:05:37,779 --> 00:05:39,098
Daddy, I need your help.
66
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:42,251
Listen, I'm hot on the trail
of this weird guy named Waldo.
67
00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:44,091
Have you seen him?
68
00:05:53,659 --> 00:05:56,571
She's gonna be with us
until we die, you know.
69
00:06:00,099 --> 00:06:02,329
She's not important right now, Al.
70
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:06,367
Now, look, what is wrong
with getting a slightly newer car?
71
00:06:06,619 --> 00:06:10,089
I hear they're coming with all
these new, fancy options these days.
72
00:06:10,339 --> 00:06:13,012
You know,
like dashboards and paint.
73
00:06:13,819 --> 00:06:15,616
Just more things to go wrong.
74
00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:17,258
Listen to me, Peg.
75
00:06:17,499 --> 00:06:21,378
You can nag, you can cry,
you can whinny, bleat and moo...
76
00:06:21,619 --> 00:06:24,008
...but I will never sell the Dodge.
77
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:26,898
Finally selling the Dodge, huh?
78
00:06:28,419 --> 00:06:31,297
Yeah, it's like giving up
one of your children...
79
00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:33,296
...but none of the joy.
80
00:06:34,539 --> 00:06:37,531
Well, for my money you still
can't beat a European sports car.
81
00:06:37,779 --> 00:06:39,576
I mean, Marcie and I are nuts
about ours:
82
00:06:39,819 --> 00:06:43,129
Rack and pinion steering,
four-wheel independent suspension...
83
00:06:43,379 --> 00:06:45,847
...and 310
of the sexiest Euro-ponies...
84
00:06:46,099 --> 00:06:51,378
...that ever hurtled a Yankee
from 0 to 60 in under five seconds.
85
00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:56,218
Oh, man, what a car.
86
00:06:57,259 --> 00:06:59,693
- Where is it?
- It's in the shop.
87
00:07:01,499 --> 00:07:04,457
Still? Jefferson,
you've had the car five months.
88
00:07:04,659 --> 00:07:07,048
It hasn't been off the rack yet.
What's wrong with it?
89
00:07:07,299 --> 00:07:11,212
They don't know, but it's something
very sophisticated, very expensive...
90
00:07:11,459 --> 00:07:13,450
...and very, very Euro.
91
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,167
I'm telling you,
I'm on top of the world with that car.
92
00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:19,217
You can ask anybody on the bus
how happy I am.
93
00:07:23,459 --> 00:07:25,017
So how's your ad coming?
94
00:07:25,259 --> 00:07:26,772
Done. Here.
95
00:07:27,499 --> 00:07:30,889
"Used car of indeterminate year.
96
00:07:31,939 --> 00:07:35,011
Forced to sell by used wife.
97
00:07:37,099 --> 00:07:40,216
Also of indeterminate year.
98
00:07:41,459 --> 00:07:43,768
Four thousand dollars"?
99
00:07:44,379 --> 00:07:45,653
What?
100
00:07:46,019 --> 00:07:48,487
You don't think I can get $4000?
101
00:07:49,019 --> 00:07:52,056
I don't think you could get dollars.
102
00:07:53,259 --> 00:07:54,977
Jefferson, let me tell you something.
103
00:07:55,219 --> 00:07:57,096
Waldo?
104
00:07:57,419 --> 00:08:00,013
Waldo?
105
00:08:04,899 --> 00:08:06,935
Let me tell you something.
106
00:08:07,179 --> 00:08:10,137
I'm a salesman.
Consequently, I know sales.
107
00:08:10,379 --> 00:08:12,256
Now, when this ad
hits the papers, baby...
108
00:08:12,499 --> 00:08:15,616
...they'll be lined up
around the block. Trust me.
109
00:08:25,419 --> 00:08:29,298
Hi. We're a couple of winos.
110
00:08:29,539 --> 00:08:31,848
We don't wanna drink and drive.
111
00:08:32,099 --> 00:08:34,169
So we wanna buy a Dodge.
112
00:08:35,299 --> 00:08:36,857
Here's your 40 bucks.
113
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:38,327
Forty?
114
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,530
It was supposed to say 4000.
115
00:08:40,779 --> 00:08:43,816
Hey, we're not that drunk.
116
00:08:50,859 --> 00:08:52,212
Does your trunk leak?
117
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,410
We have no time to haggle.
118
00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:06,969
We want car
and directions to Sears Tower.
119
00:09:07,219 --> 00:09:08,698
Here's $40.
120
00:09:13,299 --> 00:09:17,087
Hi, I'm looking for a guy
named... Daddy.
121
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:20,411
Oh, boy, I thought
this house looked familiar.
122
00:09:27,139 --> 00:09:30,415
Dodge. American motorcar.
123
00:09:41,219 --> 00:09:43,528
This is going well.
124
00:09:44,219 --> 00:09:46,653
- You know what the problem is?
- Sure.
125
00:09:46,899 --> 00:09:49,015
The blind don't drive.
126
00:09:49,499 --> 00:09:52,093
Too bad the mute don't marry.
127
00:09:59,819 --> 00:10:02,970
Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis
from the Dodge Corporation.
128
00:10:03,219 --> 00:10:06,017
We just need to verify a couple
of things about your ad.
129
00:10:06,259 --> 00:10:08,773
I know what you're gonna say,
but it wasn't my fault.
130
00:10:09,019 --> 00:10:13,968
I clearly told them,
"Seat," comma, then "belts."
131
00:10:15,259 --> 00:10:18,490
- Oh, that's not important.
- I didn't think so either.
132
00:10:18,739 --> 00:10:20,172
Come on in.
133
00:10:22,379 --> 00:10:24,210
Hello, ma'am.
134
00:10:24,539 --> 00:10:29,408
Is it true
she's gone over 999,000 miles?
135
00:10:34,859 --> 00:10:38,215
He means the car, you wildebeest.
136
00:10:44,099 --> 00:10:47,569
I'll get right to the point, Mr. Bundy.
Congratulations.
137
00:10:47,819 --> 00:10:51,607
It's not every day that a Dodge
reaches a million miles.
138
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,089
This is something very special to us.
139
00:10:54,339 --> 00:10:56,295
You, Mr. Bundy,
are very special to us...
140
00:10:56,539 --> 00:10:59,053
...and we want to be there
on that momentous occasion...
141
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,819
...when your odometer
reads all zeros.
142
00:11:02,379 --> 00:11:05,257
You mean,
you want us to be in a commercial?
143
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,773
Yes.
144
00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:10,091
Oh, fine.
A lot of free publicity for you guys...
145
00:11:10,339 --> 00:11:11,852
...but what's in it for us?
146
00:11:12,219 --> 00:11:15,734
A 1994 Dodge Viper.
147
00:11:31,539 --> 00:11:32,892
Now, let me get this straight.
148
00:11:33,139 --> 00:11:35,937
When my Dodge
goes over a million miles...
149
00:11:36,139 --> 00:11:37,492
...you give me that car?
150
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:41,368
Well, first we want to film your car
crossing the one-million-mile mark...
151
00:11:41,619 --> 00:11:45,373
...but after that, Mr. Bundy,
the Viper is yours.
152
00:11:46,299 --> 00:11:51,054
Oh, Peg, I'm so happy,
I could shake your hand.
153
00:11:52,099 --> 00:11:55,091
Al, it only has two seats.
154
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,772
What about the kids?
155
00:11:57,219 --> 00:11:59,050
It's got a trunk.
156
00:11:59,939 --> 00:12:01,133
Bill, speaking of family...
157
00:12:01,339 --> 00:12:04,012
...who's gonna play my young
blond wife in the commercial?
158
00:12:04,219 --> 00:12:06,175
Hey, what about me?
159
00:12:06,419 --> 00:12:08,694
Well, you don't play my wife
in real life.
160
00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:11,214
And besides, you hated the Dodge.
161
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:17,210
- I did not.
- Weren't you the one...
162
00:12:17,419 --> 00:12:19,694
...that got me the license-plate holder
that said:
163
00:12:19,899 --> 00:12:21,810
"I'd rather be driving"?
164
00:12:22,939 --> 00:12:26,488
Well, that just shows you
how close I am to the Dodge.
165
00:12:26,739 --> 00:12:28,775
- We kid like that all the time.
- Oh, no, Peg.
166
00:12:29,019 --> 00:12:31,328
You laughed at the Dodge.
You mocked the Dodge.
167
00:12:31,579 --> 00:12:35,367
She shot the Dodge,
but she didn't shoot the deputy.
168
00:12:39,219 --> 00:12:41,016
- What does that mean?
- I don't know, Peg.
169
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,814
I'm just babbling like this
because I'm staring at her cleavage.
170
00:12:58,539 --> 00:13:00,052
Peggy, what's going on?
171
00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:04,497
Al has been driving
up and down the street for 12 hours.
172
00:13:04,939 --> 00:13:07,737
Well, the Dodge people told him
that when his odometer...
173
00:13:07,979 --> 00:13:11,608
...hit all nines to call them
and they'd send out a camera crew.
174
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,133
So much like in bed...
175
00:13:13,379 --> 00:13:16,416
...AI wants to get it over with
as quickly as possible.
176
00:13:16,819 --> 00:13:20,414
Well, I still say a foreign car
is the way to go.
177
00:13:20,659 --> 00:13:23,856
You've gotta see the new pictures
they sent of ours.
178
00:13:25,099 --> 00:13:27,852
Here's the diagnostic crew
waving at us...
179
00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:31,808
...in front of the big box they're gonna
send it back to Stuttgart in.
180
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,378
I did it, Peg.
181
00:13:34,619 --> 00:13:36,894
Nine hundred,
ninety-nine thousand...
182
00:13:37,139 --> 00:13:40,211
...nine hundred and ninety-nine
and nine tenths.
183
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:49,898
The Dodge is ready
for the commercial now.
184
00:13:50,139 --> 00:13:52,528
I even backed it into the garage.
Think of it, Peg.
185
00:13:52,779 --> 00:13:56,055
Tomorrow I will drive out, Al Bundy,
old-Dodge owner...
186
00:13:56,299 --> 00:14:00,895
...and drive back in,
Al Bundy, Viper Man.
187
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:09,208
Yeah, but the bottom line is
you'll still be Al Bundy.
188
00:14:10,059 --> 00:14:13,256
- Tragic, isn't it?
- Marcie, I didn't see you come in.
189
00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:16,138
Pull up an egg,
I'll be with you in a few minutes.
190
00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:22,256
Al Bundy here.
191
00:14:22,499 --> 00:14:26,174
The mighty Dodge is at all nines.
192
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:29,533
Great. See you in the morning.
193
00:14:31,019 --> 00:14:34,295
And now to bask
in the joys of anticipation...
194
00:14:34,539 --> 00:14:37,690
...sweeter, some say,
than the actual catch.
195
00:14:45,899 --> 00:14:48,936
You're so calm.
I mean, if it were my Dodge...
196
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,888
...l'd be worried lightning was gonna
strike it or a tree was gonna fall on it...
197
00:14:53,139 --> 00:14:55,175
...even before the camera crew
could get here.
198
00:14:55,419 --> 00:14:57,091
I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink.
199
00:14:57,339 --> 00:15:00,854
And here you've got 12 hours to go
and you're not even nervous.
200
00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:04,298
That's the difference
between you and me, Marcie.
201
00:15:04,539 --> 00:15:06,257
I'm not the worrying kind.
202
00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:10,617
That, and if I do this,
it appears that I have breasts.
203
00:15:18,179 --> 00:15:20,773
You don't need to do that.
204
00:15:26,499 --> 00:15:28,137
Al...
205
00:15:29,979 --> 00:15:32,891
- What are you doing?
- That damn Marcie.
206
00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:36,688
She's got me so worried something's
gonna happen to the car, I can't sleep.
207
00:15:38,139 --> 00:15:40,892
Well, I know
what would help you sleep.
208
00:15:43,779 --> 00:15:46,134
Thanks, Peg, now I can't eat.
209
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,491
This is going well.
210
00:15:49,739 --> 00:15:52,537
I'm surprised
you haven't called the police.
211
00:15:53,179 --> 00:15:55,693
Someone call the police?
We got a call about a shooting.
212
00:15:55,939 --> 00:15:57,338
Yes, I did, but I lied.
213
00:15:57,579 --> 00:15:59,490
See, I need someone
to guard the Dodge...
214
00:15:59,739 --> 00:16:02,299
...and a cop
is cheaper than a Doberman.
215
00:16:03,659 --> 00:16:08,687
Excuse me, I may need both hands
to pound this guy into hash.
216
00:16:09,739 --> 00:16:13,095
But if you ever take a shot
at my partner again, you're going in.
217
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:14,852
Gotcha.
218
00:16:15,739 --> 00:16:16,967
But you don't understand.
219
00:16:17,219 --> 00:16:20,291
I got a terrible feeling something's
gonna happen to my Dodge.
220
00:16:20,539 --> 00:16:22,769
Al, how long have I known you?
221
00:16:23,019 --> 00:16:25,214
What? Seven, eight years?
222
00:16:25,459 --> 00:16:29,657
I've arrested you,
what, 11, 12 times?
223
00:16:30,659 --> 00:16:33,935
You're a load in my pants,
you know that, Al?
224
00:16:35,419 --> 00:16:37,979
No one wants your crummy car.
225
00:16:38,219 --> 00:16:41,450
No one even believes
this house is occupied.
226
00:16:41,859 --> 00:16:44,976
Now, either go to bed,
or let me blow you away...
227
00:16:45,219 --> 00:16:47,096
...so I can go to bed.
228
00:16:51,659 --> 00:16:53,570
On second thought, I gotta go.
229
00:16:53,819 --> 00:16:56,208
I might have left something
at the doughnut shop.
230
00:16:56,459 --> 00:16:57,972
Hold it.
231
00:17:03,539 --> 00:17:05,257
Never mind.
232
00:17:08,699 --> 00:17:12,009
Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning.
I gotta take some tests tomorrow.
233
00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:14,853
Yeah, Dad, I gotta go
to the doctor's too.
234
00:17:15,899 --> 00:17:19,733
Kids, or should I say,
lackeys of the red devil...
235
00:17:19,979 --> 00:17:22,334
...I need your help.
The Dodge is in trouble.
236
00:17:22,579 --> 00:17:24,535
So who hasn't been?
237
00:17:24,859 --> 00:17:26,975
Come, my children...
And Kelly.
238
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,328
- to the garage.
239
00:17:28,579 --> 00:17:29,932
We'll guard the Dodge.
240
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,534
We proud Bundys three
will guard against those...
241
00:17:32,779 --> 00:17:35,532
...who will pillage and plunder
and joyride in the Dodge.
242
00:17:35,779 --> 00:17:38,498
- Do we get to drive the Viper?
- No.
243
00:17:39,299 --> 00:17:40,971
Why should we help
guard the Dodge?
244
00:17:41,219 --> 00:17:43,414
Because we're family, damn it.
245
00:17:44,259 --> 00:17:46,853
So are the Jacksons. Good night.
246
00:17:50,659 --> 00:17:53,731
Fine. I'll guard the Dodge myself.
247
00:17:58,299 --> 00:17:59,971
Four hours.
248
00:18:00,219 --> 00:18:01,891
I can do that.
249
00:18:02,259 --> 00:18:06,138
First I'll open the garage door.
Let a little fresh air in.
250
00:18:10,259 --> 00:18:11,487
Or out.
251
00:18:12,779 --> 00:18:15,930
There's nothing like a little music
to help pass the time.
252
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:29,609
Who was the genius that let
West Virginia become a state?
253
00:18:31,379 --> 00:18:33,449
Okay, no problem.
I'll just entertain myself...
254
00:18:33,699 --> 00:18:35,974
...with one of my many
challenging hobbies.
255
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,894
Marlon Brando.
256
00:18:51,459 --> 00:18:54,178
Alfred Hitchcock.
257
00:19:03,219 --> 00:19:04,891
Elvis.
258
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:09,529
"Refrigerator" Perry.
259
00:19:11,259 --> 00:19:13,454
Elizabeth Taylor.
260
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,174
Six a.m. I did it!
261
00:19:23,419 --> 00:19:25,171
I beat the night.
262
00:19:30,859 --> 00:19:33,009
They'll be here pretty soon.
263
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:35,375
I'll never have to work again.
264
00:19:36,499 --> 00:19:38,455
I'll just drive my Viper.
265
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:41,691
I'll drive it here and there,
to and fro...
266
00:19:41,939 --> 00:19:43,372
...out and about.
267
00:19:43,619 --> 00:19:47,897
And to my millions of fans,
I'll be known as Le Grande Vipe.
268
00:19:49,299 --> 00:19:51,051
I'll be famous.
269
00:19:51,699 --> 00:19:53,735
I'll fight crime...
270
00:19:54,339 --> 00:19:57,854
...if it doesn't scratch the paint.
271
00:20:08,259 --> 00:20:11,092
Oh, and he was so close.
What happened?
272
00:20:11,339 --> 00:20:13,011
Well, he fell asleep...
273
00:20:13,259 --> 00:20:15,773
...and then the Dodge rolled
out of the driveway.
274
00:20:16,019 --> 00:20:20,934
So now the odometer reads
"000,000 and nine tenths"...
275
00:20:21,139 --> 00:20:24,973
...which means no commercial
and no new car.
276
00:20:27,419 --> 00:20:29,694
Well, how did he finally stop?
277
00:20:37,099 --> 00:20:39,374
Well, luckily...
278
00:20:39,619 --> 00:20:43,134
...there was a brand-new foreign car
parked outside...
279
00:20:43,619 --> 00:20:46,770
...which had finally been fixed,
but never driven.
280
00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:51,578
Well, it's good to get that first
broadside out of the way.
281
00:20:52,179 --> 00:20:55,615
We still made it over a million miles.
Aren't they gonna give him anything?
282
00:20:55,859 --> 00:20:59,408
Well, yeah. They gave him
a car phone as a consolation prize.
283
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:02,298
And you know, there's one thing
you have to say about Al.
284
00:21:02,539 --> 00:21:06,327
He is determined not to let this
little setback beat him.
285
00:21:10,419 --> 00:21:13,013
Hello, Al? Is that you?
286
00:21:13,259 --> 00:21:15,136
Hello, Peg.
287
00:21:16,059 --> 00:21:19,768
I'm here in Burnt Scrotum,
New Mexico.
288
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:26,129
And guess what.
I'm over a thousand miles, babe.
289
00:21:26,379 --> 00:21:29,416
I'm gonna drive until I hit
another million.
290
00:21:30,499 --> 00:21:32,251
And then you'll be home, Al?
291
00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:35,093
Then I'll be home,
and the Viper will be mine.
292
00:21:35,339 --> 00:21:38,570
Do you hear me? Mine, I tell you.
293
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:41,856
Mine! Mine!1
00:01:21,308 --> 00:01:22,661
Hi, I'm the Verminator.
2
00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:24,899
And guess what I've got for you?
3
00:01:25,148 --> 00:01:27,059
Show can.
4
00:01:27,308 --> 00:01:29,060
Okay.
5
00:01:30,228 --> 00:01:33,186
That's "spray can," you spok es-idiot!
6
00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:34,656
I knew that.
7
00:01:34,908 --> 00:01:39,857
Anyway, we've got a brand new poison
and we lik e to call it...
8
00:01:44,308 --> 00:01:47,744
How new is it? It's so new
that it hasn't even been tested...
9
00:01:47,988 --> 00:01:51,344
...on unsuspecting
American citizens yet.
10
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,826
Just one spray of this,
on your dog or cat...
11
00:01:55,068 --> 00:01:56,979
...and they'll never have fleas again.
12
00:01:57,228 --> 00:02:02,177
And to prove it, I have v olunteered
my dog or cat, Buck...
13
00:02:06,388 --> 00:02:08,140
...to demonstrate.
14
00:02:08,388 --> 00:02:09,741
Are you ready, boy?
15
00:02:09,988 --> 00:02:11,944
Help me.
16
00:02:12,188 --> 00:02:14,179
Here we go.
17
00:02:18,428 --> 00:02:20,180
Isn't this great, Buck?
18
00:02:20,428 --> 00:02:22,623
And you didn't wanna do it.
19
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,066
Yeah, this is great.
20
00:02:29,308 --> 00:02:32,266
I look lik e Oprah
after she dropped the weight.
21
00:02:34,228 --> 00:02:35,900
Hi, Peggy.
22
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:42,266
Now, I don't want to rub this in...
23
00:02:42,508 --> 00:02:46,467
...because you're poor and married
to Al which is, of course, redundant.
24
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,699
But guess what? I'm rich!
25
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:51,536
Rich? Well, how'd you do that?
26
00:02:51,788 --> 00:02:53,904
- Maybe I could do it too.
- I worked for it.
27
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,538
You see, Trans-Mexican Motors...
28
00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:04,384
...has been looking for a place
to build their new car, the Haguar GT...
29
00:03:05,068 --> 00:03:08,504
...and I found them a piece of property
right next to Polk High School.
30
00:03:08,748 --> 00:03:13,344
It is a four hundred million-dollar
deal and I get a finder's fee.
31
00:03:13,588 --> 00:03:14,941
How much is that?
32
00:03:15,188 --> 00:03:18,863
One point three million dollars.
33
00:03:24,548 --> 00:03:28,541
Plus a brand new Haguar
for each of us.
34
00:03:29,428 --> 00:03:31,180
Don't think this is going
to change us.
35
00:03:31,428 --> 00:03:35,785
No. We'll still be the same
humble people we always were.
36
00:03:36,188 --> 00:03:38,383
Just in a better part of town.
37
00:03:38,628 --> 00:03:41,665
Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you.
We're moving!
38
00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:48,422
And we just came by to tell you
how sorry we are about leaving!
39
00:03:49,108 --> 00:03:52,100
Jefferson!
This is the happiest day of my life!
40
00:03:52,348 --> 00:03:53,827
Isn't this a great country?
41
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,457
This country sucks, Peg!
42
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:07,187
And I'll tell you why.
43
00:04:07,428 --> 00:04:11,137
We're giving it away faster than
we can take it from other people.
44
00:04:11,828 --> 00:04:15,138
I was driving by Polk High today
to catch a glimpse of the scoreboard...
45
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:19,904
...which once proclaimed my glory and
fight with the homeless for nickels...
46
00:04:20,148 --> 00:04:22,787
...and guess what sign
I saw on the school fence.
47
00:04:23,028 --> 00:04:26,543
"Life, 50, Al, zero"?
48
00:04:28,548 --> 00:04:31,620
Hey, Marcie,
I see they drink a lot at Zippy Cuts.
49
00:04:37,508 --> 00:04:41,581
The sign said
"Future home of the Haguar"...
50
00:04:41,828 --> 00:04:43,261
...which means, Peg...
51
00:04:43,468 --> 00:04:46,266
...they will be building
automobiles on the football field...
52
00:04:46,468 --> 00:04:48,857
...where I scored four touchdowns
in a single game.
53
00:04:49,308 --> 00:04:52,618
Where pert cheerleaders
in stuffed bras and short miniskirts...
54
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:56,941
...used to sing, " One, two, four, three,
Give the ball to Al Bundy."
55
00:04:59,628 --> 00:05:02,267
This is madness, I say!
How could this have happened?
56
00:05:02,508 --> 00:05:04,260
Two town meetings...
57
00:05:04,508 --> 00:05:08,899
...a suitcase full of unmarked bills
and it's pretty much a done deal.
58
00:05:09,148 --> 00:05:10,945
- You were involved?
- I was.
59
00:05:13,628 --> 00:05:15,698
Well, you're not going
to get away with this.
60
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:18,781
If it's a war you want,
it's a war you'll get.
61
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:23,180
But you and your fellow Haguaites
should know one thing:
62
00:05:23,428 --> 00:05:29,298
Al is the first word in "Alamo."
63
00:05:34,308 --> 00:05:37,937
Al, we lost the Alamo.
64
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:43,267
Peg, nobody remembers that.
65
00:05:49,828 --> 00:05:51,784
Hi. Verminator here again.
66
00:05:52,028 --> 00:05:54,303
Now, a few of you viewers
have expressed concern...
67
00:05:54,548 --> 00:05:58,257
...over alleged side effects
of our new bug poison.
68
00:05:58,508 --> 00:06:03,184
Springtime in Baghdad.
Now with pepsin.
69
00:06:04,748 --> 00:06:07,785
I'm here to tell you that these
allegations of genetic mutations...
70
00:06:08,028 --> 00:06:13,182
...are completely false, and to
prove it, my brother Bud here...
71
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,107
...who I love lik e a brother...
72
00:06:24,348 --> 00:06:26,987
...has graciously v olunteered
to be sprayed directly...
73
00:06:27,228 --> 00:06:29,503
...in the kisser with this stuff.
74
00:06:30,068 --> 00:06:31,296
Are you ready, Bud?
75
00:06:31,628 --> 00:06:33,425
I'll kill you...
76
00:06:35,348 --> 00:06:37,543
See, he can't wait.
77
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,665
Let's do it.
78
00:06:45,468 --> 00:06:47,345
You were great, Bud.
79
00:06:47,588 --> 00:06:51,547
People are gonna recognize you
wherever you go.
80
00:07:05,868 --> 00:07:08,940
Come on, Ma, tell the truth.
81
00:07:09,268 --> 00:07:11,577
You think these'll turn girls off?
82
00:07:12,788 --> 00:07:14,346
Oh, come on, honey.
83
00:07:14,588 --> 00:07:18,217
Don't let a little thing like a
couple of breasts get you down.
84
00:07:18,868 --> 00:07:20,665
It's not like they're permanent.
85
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:25,345
I mean, it's been a whole week and
look how much better Buck is getting.
86
00:07:28,268 --> 00:07:31,977
I sure hope this crap wears off
before Thanksgiving.
87
00:07:33,308 --> 00:07:35,424
Well, maybe you're right, Ma.
88
00:07:35,668 --> 00:07:37,784
I'll just hide for a while.
89
00:07:39,068 --> 00:07:42,140
It's not like
I had any plans this week.
90
00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:50,380
Hi, Bud.
91
00:07:50,628 --> 00:07:52,186
It's me, Sascha.
92
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:56,865
The girl you've wanted every day and
night of your life since the first grade.
93
00:07:57,108 --> 00:07:59,463
Well, I'm about to enter a convent...
94
00:07:59,708 --> 00:08:02,347
...and I wanted to be
with a real man...
95
00:08:02,588 --> 00:08:03,987
...for my first...
96
00:08:04,228 --> 00:08:05,456
...last...
97
00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:07,744
...and only time.
98
00:08:12,788 --> 00:08:15,097
Take me, Bud.
99
00:08:15,468 --> 00:08:18,221
Take me now!
100
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,942
You caught me at a bad time.
101
00:08:32,988 --> 00:08:34,546
Goodbye.
102
00:08:44,228 --> 00:08:45,820
Where are you going?
103
00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:48,741
To cop a feel and kill myself.
104
00:08:53,508 --> 00:08:54,736
Hey, Mom.
105
00:08:54,988 --> 00:08:56,262
Bud still have boobs?
106
00:08:58,148 --> 00:09:01,743
Then I'll be sleeping at Cindy's.
Where's Dad?
107
00:09:01,988 --> 00:09:03,865
Oh, he's down
at the City Council meeting.
108
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:07,418
You know, he's really steamed about
them paving over his football field.
109
00:09:08,268 --> 00:09:11,544
I just hope he doesn't make a testicle
out of himself.
110
00:09:15,628 --> 00:09:17,220
You mean spectacle, honey.
111
00:09:17,468 --> 00:09:20,346
No, I mean testicle.
112
00:09:21,668 --> 00:09:23,738
I'm used to the spectacle thing.
113
00:09:24,228 --> 00:09:28,585
Let's just hope that if he'll make a fool
of himself, he'll do it in his own home.
114
00:09:30,428 --> 00:09:33,465
And on the lighter,
more pitiful side of the news...
115
00:09:33,708 --> 00:09:36,745
...self-proclaimed football legend
Al Bundy is leading a protest...
116
00:09:36,988 --> 00:09:39,377
...against the proposed
trans-Mexican auto plant...
117
00:09:39,628 --> 00:09:44,463
...by handcuffing himself to a goal post
on his old high school playing field.
118
00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:48,826
He has v owed to stay chained
to this post...
119
00:09:55,188 --> 00:10:01,058
...until the project is moved
or, quote, "Marcie has lips."
120
00:10:02,508 --> 00:10:04,703
What a testicle.
121
00:10:14,908 --> 00:10:19,777
Bud, I'm glad you're here
to share my moment of triumph.
122
00:10:24,788 --> 00:10:27,427
You got someone
working crowd control, Dad?
123
00:10:28,268 --> 00:10:30,020
These things take time, son.
124
00:10:30,228 --> 00:10:32,537
You think people came
when Paul Revere rode nude...
125
00:10:32,788 --> 00:10:35,461
...through the town yelling
"The Beatles are coming"? No.
126
00:10:35,828 --> 00:10:39,616
He had to chain himself to the old north
wind and throw up in harbour first.
127
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:43,065
But like old Paul,
you'll be reading about me someday.
128
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:47,302
Yeah, once Time-Life comes out
with the "Great Idiot" series.
129
00:10:51,148 --> 00:10:54,538
Anyway, I just came over because Mom
was wondering if you wanted any food.
130
00:10:55,348 --> 00:10:56,576
Did you bring me something?
131
00:10:58,548 --> 00:11:00,903
No. She was just wondering.
132
00:11:01,868 --> 00:11:05,144
Well, you tell your mother
that my stomach is full of pride.
133
00:11:05,388 --> 00:11:09,381
Pride and the bologna sandwich
I ate a couple of weeks ago.
134
00:11:09,788 --> 00:11:12,666
By the way, it's warm out here tonight.
Why the coat?
135
00:11:16,668 --> 00:11:18,818
I was just coming down
with something.
136
00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:21,104
- Chest cold?
- No.
137
00:11:22,628 --> 00:11:25,825
No. This coat
just makes them sensitive.
138
00:11:29,748 --> 00:11:31,022
Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
139
00:11:31,268 --> 00:11:33,145
Help me pass out
the rest of those flyers.
140
00:11:33,348 --> 00:11:36,181
Take them to all the places
old high school athletes hang out.
141
00:11:36,428 --> 00:11:40,421
You mean like bars, unemployment
offices and pie-eating contests?
142
00:11:40,668 --> 00:11:43,057
Yes. And don't forget
freeway underpasses.
143
00:11:43,308 --> 00:11:46,857
Tell them to bring candles
and a cheeseburger.
144
00:11:47,428 --> 00:11:48,656
- Anything else?
- Yes.
145
00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:52,981
Take the keys to the handcuffs out
of my back pocket so I'm not tempted.
146
00:11:53,548 --> 00:11:55,220
Yeah, yeah.
147
00:11:57,748 --> 00:12:01,218
Dad, you sure this protest thing
is gonna work?
148
00:12:01,468 --> 00:12:04,619
Son, I'm not sure
of a lot of things in this life.
149
00:12:04,868 --> 00:12:07,541
I'm not sure why I was born.
150
00:12:08,068 --> 00:12:10,582
I'm not sure why you were born.
151
00:12:11,588 --> 00:12:14,421
I'm also not sure of why I felt
a pair of breasts on my back...
152
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,943
...when you took those keys
out of my pocket.
153
00:12:22,548 --> 00:12:25,506
But I am sure that this will work.
154
00:12:25,748 --> 00:12:30,026
Tonight, fuelled by the flames
of 10,000 candles...
155
00:12:30,268 --> 00:12:31,906
...and several cheeseburgers...
156
00:12:32,148 --> 00:12:34,423
...I will be victorious!
157
00:12:50,188 --> 00:12:51,985
I don't get it.
158
00:12:52,748 --> 00:12:56,627
A great historical landmark
is about to fall and no one turns out.
159
00:12:56,868 --> 00:13:01,259
Let some moron hit an ice skater in the
knee and a million reporters show up!
160
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,620
- Hi, Mr. Bundy.
- Aaron.
161
00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:09,462
I knew I could count on someone
who played for Polk High.
162
00:13:09,708 --> 00:13:12,745
- Well, I saw your flyers.
- Good. Then Bud is doing his job.
163
00:13:12,988 --> 00:13:17,027
He is, if you told him to stuff them
in a trash can about a block from here.
164
00:13:17,308 --> 00:13:19,026
All the guys are talking about it.
165
00:13:19,268 --> 00:13:20,701
Great. What are they saying?
166
00:13:20,948 --> 00:13:24,657
They hear Haguar pays $15.40 an hour
plus medical. They're really psyched.
167
00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:28,301
Doesn't anybody care
about preserving our heritage?
168
00:13:28,548 --> 00:13:32,621
Well, I thought selling out
to the highest bidder was our heritage.
169
00:13:33,228 --> 00:13:36,857
Not when it's our field!
Why is no one here?
170
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,827
Wait a second.
I know what the problem is.
171
00:13:40,068 --> 00:13:44,141
I just realized, I chained myself
to the visitors end of the field.
172
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:46,902
No one would ever recognize me
down here.
173
00:13:47,148 --> 00:13:49,059
Don't they change sides
after halftime?
174
00:13:49,308 --> 00:13:52,220
I never played after halftime!
175
00:13:52,468 --> 00:13:55,107
We were always too far ahead.
176
00:13:55,348 --> 00:13:58,738
Now, go get Bud and bring the keys
back here. I wanna switch goal posts.
177
00:13:58,988 --> 00:14:00,307
He gave the key to me.
178
00:14:00,508 --> 00:14:02,658
- Good. Give it here.
- Can't. I gave it to Kelly.
179
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,023
Why?
180
00:14:04,948 --> 00:14:07,746
It was bright and shiny
and she liked it.
181
00:14:09,468 --> 00:14:11,777
Go get her, bring her back here,
and hurry.
182
00:14:12,028 --> 00:14:14,496
I have to go to the bathroom.
183
00:14:24,068 --> 00:14:25,740
Well, what was I thinking?
184
00:14:25,988 --> 00:14:29,424
Have a Big Gulp,
then chain myself to the goal post.
185
00:14:30,108 --> 00:14:32,064
Good move, Al.
186
00:14:32,308 --> 00:14:36,142
Oh, no one's around.
Maybe if l... Maybe if I hurry.
187
00:14:55,308 --> 00:14:57,424
Hi, Daddy. Guess what?
188
00:14:57,668 --> 00:15:01,297
My dreams of having a daughter with
her own insect car finally come true?
189
00:15:02,148 --> 00:15:05,618
You guessed. It's called the bug-mobile
and the company said...
190
00:15:05,868 --> 00:15:09,383
...that I could take it whenever I want.
- That's great, sweetheart.
191
00:15:09,628 --> 00:15:12,347
- Could you unlock me now, please?
- Wait. First...
192
00:15:12,588 --> 00:15:13,987
...guess where I went today?
193
00:15:14,228 --> 00:15:16,867
- The moon?
- Better.
194
00:15:17,108 --> 00:15:19,941
The Chicago Institute
of Bugs and Vermin.
195
00:15:20,188 --> 00:15:23,100
They've some of the rarest and most
dangerous bugs in the world.
196
00:15:23,348 --> 00:15:26,784
Like, take these
African Ping Beetles here.
197
00:15:27,028 --> 00:15:29,701
There's only six of them in the world.
It's a good thing...
198
00:15:29,908 --> 00:15:32,661
...because one bite
will nuke your entire metabolic system.
199
00:15:33,428 --> 00:15:37,182
Could you back the jar up a little bit?
200
00:15:37,828 --> 00:15:39,147
Don't worry about it, Daddy.
201
00:15:39,388 --> 00:15:43,620
I made sure before I took them that
I made the holes too small for any...
202
00:15:45,228 --> 00:15:46,786
What?
203
00:15:47,508 --> 00:15:50,306
Did I say six? I guess I meant five.
204
00:15:50,668 --> 00:15:53,262
- So how was your day?
- Oh, just a typical day.
205
00:15:53,508 --> 00:15:56,261
Didn't sell any shoes,
didn't get to pee, you know.
206
00:15:56,508 --> 00:15:58,385
Could you please unlock me now?
207
00:16:00,908 --> 00:16:03,706
- Oh, no.
- Don't get mad, okay?
208
00:16:04,108 --> 00:16:06,542
Before the museum,
I went to the railroad tracks...
209
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:09,706
...with my friends and they
were putting pennies on the tracks...
210
00:16:09,908 --> 00:16:11,500
...and watching them get squished...
211
00:16:11,708 --> 00:16:14,825
...but I didn't do that, because
you told me never to waste money.
212
00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:22,419
But a key isn't money,
is it, sweetheart?
213
00:16:23,428 --> 00:16:25,578
No!
214
00:16:26,228 --> 00:16:27,627
Look.
215
00:16:27,868 --> 00:16:30,746
It's kind of awesome
when you think about it, huh?
216
00:16:31,348 --> 00:16:32,827
The pressure it took to do this.
217
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,622
But how am I gonna
get out of here now?
218
00:16:37,868 --> 00:16:39,301
I thought about that too.
219
00:16:39,548 --> 00:16:43,177
All we have to do is take the lock...
220
00:16:43,788 --> 00:16:47,224
...put it on the tracks
and squish that too...
221
00:16:47,468 --> 00:16:49,424
...and the key should fit.
222
00:16:55,788 --> 00:16:58,302
I have a better idea, sweetheart.
223
00:16:58,548 --> 00:17:02,018
Since the lock is attached
to the goal post...
224
00:17:02,268 --> 00:17:05,817
...why don't you go down,
stand on the railroad tracks...
225
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:09,981
...and try to get them
to bring the train over here?
226
00:17:12,468 --> 00:17:14,220
Gotcha.
227
00:17:15,228 --> 00:17:16,456
Oh, Daddy, one more thing.
228
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:20,178
If you see a brown bug
with three sixes on its belly...
229
00:17:20,428 --> 00:17:24,103
...that's the African Ping.
It's very deadly.
230
00:17:24,348 --> 00:17:27,738
So run for your life, okay? Bye.
231
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:39,547
Oh, well, one killer beetle
loose in a city this size.
232
00:17:39,788 --> 00:17:41,346
What are my odds of getting bit?
233
00:17:41,588 --> 00:17:44,785
I mean, even my luck
couldn't be that bad.
234
00:17:51,148 --> 00:17:52,376
Ladies and gentlemen...
235
00:17:52,628 --> 00:17:56,337
...announcing your all-time,
all-pro America's dream team...
236
00:17:56,588 --> 00:18:00,263
...quarterback Joe Namath,
halfback Jim Brown...
237
00:18:00,508 --> 00:18:03,784
...fullback Al Bundy!
238
00:18:07,388 --> 00:18:10,824
Al Bundy! Al Bundy! Al Bundy!
239
00:18:11,068 --> 00:18:13,377
- AI Bundy!
- AI Bundy!
240
00:18:13,628 --> 00:18:15,186
Al Bundy!
241
00:18:16,548 --> 00:18:18,778
Oh, Marcie.
242
00:18:19,028 --> 00:18:21,019
Thank God it's you.
243
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,180
I thought the goal post
had grown unsightly stubble.
244
00:18:26,268 --> 00:18:30,261
You know, I admire you, Al.
I didn't think you'd last this long.
245
00:18:30,508 --> 00:18:33,944
The groundbreaking is in a couple of
hours. A squirming shoe salesman...
246
00:18:34,148 --> 00:18:36,981
...under a bulldozer
will not look good in the papers.
247
00:18:37,228 --> 00:18:38,946
So we're prepared
to make you an offer.
248
00:18:39,188 --> 00:18:41,907
An offer? You mean money?
249
00:18:42,148 --> 00:18:44,901
Al Bundy is not for sale.
250
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:50,746
I'm not standing here
for myself alone...
251
00:18:50,988 --> 00:18:54,025
...but for every guy
that ever scored a touchdown.
252
00:18:54,268 --> 00:19:00,138
Oh, look, a double cheeseburger
with fries.
253
00:19:01,148 --> 00:19:03,901
For every Dad
that ever took his kid to a game.
254
00:19:04,148 --> 00:19:07,902
For every man that ever married
the wrong woman.
255
00:19:08,108 --> 00:19:10,338
Is there bacon in there?
256
00:19:10,628 --> 00:19:13,461
I don't even care
if those are curly fries.
257
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:15,380
Are they curly fries?
258
00:19:15,628 --> 00:19:18,426
Never mind! I stand fast.
259
00:19:18,668 --> 00:19:22,980
If you want to build a factory here,
you'll have to build it over me.
260
00:19:29,228 --> 00:19:30,707
Alrighty.
261
00:19:30,948 --> 00:19:33,143
Plough him under!
262
00:19:46,148 --> 00:19:47,945
I'll always have my memories.
263
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,621
- What is the offer?
- This burger.
264
00:19:49,868 --> 00:19:51,267
Done.
265
00:19:57,588 --> 00:20:01,661
Gee, Al, those insect bites
look pretty nasty.
266
00:20:02,428 --> 00:20:03,747
Insect bites?
267
00:20:03,988 --> 00:20:06,024
Oh, thank God.
268
00:20:06,268 --> 00:20:09,180
I thought they were hickeys
from that bum over there.
269
00:20:10,068 --> 00:20:12,662
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Insofar as I'm moving out...
270
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:15,780
...and will never see you again,
I'll take you to the hospital.
271
00:20:16,028 --> 00:20:18,861
- You'd do that for me?
- Sure. But I just had my car detailed...
272
00:20:19,068 --> 00:20:20,660
...so climb in the trunk.
273
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:25,537
And in an ironic twist of fate,
it took the near death...
274
00:20:25,788 --> 00:20:29,542
...of plant protester/women's
shoe salesman, Al Bundy...
275
00:20:29,788 --> 00:20:32,905
...to halt the construction
of the proposed Haguar plant...
276
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:35,861
...when it was determined
that the bites covering his body...
277
00:20:36,108 --> 00:20:39,464
...were caused by the rare
and poisonous African Ping Beetle.
278
00:20:42,428 --> 00:20:45,147
Though no one gave a damn
about Mr. Bundy's protest...
279
00:20:45,388 --> 00:20:49,301
...environmentalists insist that
Polk field must now be protected...
280
00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:51,823
...since this useless
but endangered insect...
281
00:20:52,068 --> 00:20:54,980
...has apparently established
a colony there.
282
00:20:55,228 --> 00:20:58,823
I can't believe it. I mean, how did these
beetles get here from Africa anyway?
283
00:21:01,868 --> 00:21:05,178
There's no way they could escape
from the Institute of Bugs and Vermin...
284
00:21:05,428 --> 00:21:08,181
...because that place is a fortress.
285
00:21:09,748 --> 00:21:13,218
Plans for the Haguar factory
have officially been moved to Canada...
286
00:21:13,468 --> 00:21:18,462
...with a loss to this community of
21, 000 jobs and millions of dollars.
287
00:21:22,188 --> 00:21:24,986
The plant would have benefited
every segment of the economy...
288
00:21:25,188 --> 00:21:26,667
...from housing to shoe sales.
289
00:21:26,908 --> 00:21:32,505
Truly this is a story
with no winners. Only losers.1
00:01:15,894 --> 00:01:18,089
Oh, Peg, I'm so excited.
2
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:22,009
It has been so long. So very, very long.
3
00:01:22,454 --> 00:01:24,012
But in just a few brief moments...
4
00:01:24,254 --> 00:01:27,929
...a brand-new baseball season
officially begins.
5
00:01:31,214 --> 00:01:32,932
Well, Al, as long as I live...
6
00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:36,206
...I will never understand
your fascination with baseball.
7
00:01:36,454 --> 00:01:39,605
Well, if you'd promise
not to live too long I'd tell you.
8
00:01:42,414 --> 00:01:44,484
I mean, baseball is so boring.
9
00:01:44,734 --> 00:01:47,532
How come they don't have
a Harlem Globetrotters baseball team?
10
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,652
They do. They're called the Mets.
11
00:01:52,974 --> 00:01:56,205
Hey, hey, hey.
12
00:02:02,574 --> 00:02:04,530
Do I smell trail mix?
13
00:02:04,774 --> 00:02:07,572
Fresh from under the sofa cushions.
14
00:02:08,894 --> 00:02:10,725
Grab a seat.
15
00:02:12,214 --> 00:02:13,727
Button.
16
00:02:14,854 --> 00:02:16,082
Oh, hey, before I forget...
17
00:02:16,294 --> 00:02:19,286
...Marcie wanted to invite you
to an April Fools' party tomorrow.
18
00:02:19,494 --> 00:02:22,133
Really? Man, I love April Fools' Day.
19
00:02:22,374 --> 00:02:26,333
Peg, remember Mrs. Quinn,
our Music teacher?
20
00:02:26,734 --> 00:02:28,804
Yeah. One April Fools'...
21
00:02:29,054 --> 00:02:33,491
...we faked a love note
from her to the female Gym teacher.
22
00:02:35,014 --> 00:02:38,893
And the school board
suspended her license.
23
00:02:39,454 --> 00:02:42,764
Just three days
before her retirement.
24
00:02:43,254 --> 00:02:46,451
And her husband divorced her,
left her penniless.
25
00:02:49,414 --> 00:02:52,611
Well, one April Fools' Day,
I called the operator...
26
00:02:52,854 --> 00:02:57,245
...said I couldn't get through to the zoo
because their lion was busy.
27
00:02:57,974 --> 00:02:59,726
You get it?
28
00:03:00,974 --> 00:03:02,646
Dad.
29
00:03:09,854 --> 00:03:11,128
Great news, Dad.
30
00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:13,410
Kelly and I wanna start up
our own business.
31
00:03:13,654 --> 00:03:16,214
So you'll loan us $5000?
32
00:03:17,094 --> 00:03:19,289
Well, sure.
33
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:24,045
Jody, Buffy, let me truck on over
here to the wall safe. Nobody look.
34
00:03:28,654 --> 00:03:31,566
Well, strike me blind
and call me Charlie.
35
00:03:31,814 --> 00:03:33,611
It's been took.
36
00:03:34,494 --> 00:03:35,722
Quick. After them.
37
00:03:35,974 --> 00:03:38,932
I'll wait over here by the ball game.
38
00:03:39,534 --> 00:03:41,286
I didn't even know
we had a wall safe.
39
00:03:42,894 --> 00:03:44,771
Too bad it's gone.
Your brains were in it.
40
00:03:47,014 --> 00:03:50,609
Now, kids, if your father had been
a successful shoe salesman...
41
00:03:50,854 --> 00:03:53,926
Or husband, or lover or anything.
42
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,012
- what business would it have been?
- A photography studio...
43
00:03:57,214 --> 00:04:00,092
...where lonely guys could get
pictures taken with pretty girls.
44
00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:04,293
Hey, now, that's not a bad idea.
How did you come up with that?
45
00:04:04,534 --> 00:04:07,924
Well, Saturday night and everyone
was out partying and everything...
46
00:04:08,174 --> 00:04:11,769
...so obviously Bud was upstairs
in his room looking at underwear ads.
47
00:04:12,014 --> 00:04:13,242
- Look.
- And I figured...
48
00:04:13,494 --> 00:04:16,167
It's not important
how she got the idea.
49
00:04:16,414 --> 00:04:18,484
The point is we need $5000.
50
00:04:19,174 --> 00:04:22,166
Well, a good panhandler
can pull in $500 a day.
51
00:04:22,414 --> 00:04:24,405
Five hundred dollars a day?
52
00:04:24,654 --> 00:04:26,690
We'll have Bud and Kelly's
open in no time.
53
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,609
Hey, wait a minute. It was my idea.
We're gonna name it after me.
54
00:04:31,294 --> 00:04:33,250
There's already a place
called "In-N-Out."
55
00:04:43,454 --> 00:04:45,490
The game's starting.
56
00:04:45,734 --> 00:04:48,294
- Who are those guys?
- They're just a bunch of VIPs...
57
00:04:48,494 --> 00:04:49,847
...nobody cares about.
58
00:04:50,094 --> 00:04:51,573
That's the owner of the team.
59
00:04:51,814 --> 00:04:54,487
He's introducing a new guy
who just bought 10 percent of it.
60
00:04:55,574 --> 00:04:58,805
- That's him.
- Huh, that's who?
61
00:04:59,054 --> 00:05:00,851
That's him, Walter Traugott.
62
00:05:01,094 --> 00:05:03,528
I gotta go.
63
00:05:03,774 --> 00:05:06,652
Wait a second, Jefferson.
Come back here. What's wrong?
64
00:05:06,894 --> 00:05:09,010
Was it something Peg did?
65
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:13,404
Because if it was, she'll be in
the basement until the All-Star break.
66
00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:20,162
Now who am I gonna
watch the game with?
67
00:05:20,614 --> 00:05:23,526
- Another thing about this baseball...
- No.
68
00:05:23,774 --> 00:05:26,368
Now, why does that guy
get to walk to the base?
69
00:05:26,614 --> 00:05:29,208
Because he got four balls.
70
00:05:39,574 --> 00:05:42,611
- Well...
- Don't even say it, Peg.
71
00:05:44,014 --> 00:05:47,051
If your mouth must open
and close, do it on this.
72
00:05:47,254 --> 00:05:49,814
If you paid as much attention to me
as you do to this...
73
00:05:50,014 --> 00:05:53,563
...I probably wouldn't mind so much.
- I do pay attention to you, Peg.
74
00:05:53,894 --> 00:05:55,691
No, he was safe.
75
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:58,848
Al, I think I broke my tooth.
76
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:00,772
He was safe.
77
00:06:01,734 --> 00:06:06,091
Safe. Safe. Safe.
78
00:06:20,454 --> 00:06:23,764
Please, Marcie,
I am not in the mood for this tonight.
79
00:06:24,414 --> 00:06:29,408
But, Jefferson,
it has been almost eight hours.
80
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,245
Look, there's something
I have to tell you.
81
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:37,282
Tonight I was watching the ball game
with Al and who do I see on the TV?
82
00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:39,923
Walter Traugott,
the new owner of the team.
83
00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:43,807
Odd that the owner
would be at the game.
84
00:06:44,774 --> 00:06:46,412
Mount me.
85
00:06:51,214 --> 00:06:53,682
Look, there's something else
I have to tell you.
86
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:58,007
I haven't been completely honest
with you about my past.
87
00:06:58,254 --> 00:07:03,726
You mean you're not permanently
disabled and can work?
88
00:07:06,854 --> 00:07:08,924
No. Not that.
89
00:07:09,174 --> 00:07:13,247
Look, my real name
isn't Jefferson D'Arcy.
90
00:07:13,494 --> 00:07:15,883
I used to work for the CIA.
91
00:07:16,134 --> 00:07:18,807
And a few years ago
I was involved in a covert operation...
92
00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:22,205
...that sent a lot of bad people
to prison for a long time.
93
00:07:22,454 --> 00:07:25,969
But there was this one guy
that got away.
94
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:29,251
The only person in the world
who can blow my cover.
95
00:07:29,494 --> 00:07:31,371
Walter Traugott.
96
00:07:33,054 --> 00:07:37,093
Well, thank God. I thought you
were gonna tell me you dated Cher.
97
00:07:41,214 --> 00:07:44,012
Well, I did, but...
98
00:07:44,734 --> 00:07:48,932
It wasn't part of the job,
it was just my turn.
99
00:07:52,734 --> 00:07:54,645
Now, I know you'll be upset.
100
00:07:54,894 --> 00:07:57,283
You'll probably go through
the classic...
101
00:07:57,534 --> 00:08:00,970
...denial, guilt, depression,
anger, acceptance syndrome.
102
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,693
That is preposterous.
103
00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:05,732
Admit it. It's all my fault.
I should just kill myself.
104
00:08:05,974 --> 00:08:08,408
Or kill you, you son of a bitch.
105
00:08:09,134 --> 00:08:11,204
But I love you, whoever you are.
106
00:08:11,454 --> 00:08:12,682
What do we do now?
107
00:08:15,174 --> 00:08:16,402
I don't know.
108
00:08:16,654 --> 00:08:20,329
But if Traugott finds me,
I'm as dead as network TV.
109
00:08:21,574 --> 00:08:24,805
Maybe it's just a coincidence
that Traugott's in Chicago.
110
00:08:25,014 --> 00:08:26,970
I mean, Chicago is a big town.
111
00:08:27,214 --> 00:08:30,445
It's not like he's gonna come
through the window and get you.
112
00:08:36,694 --> 00:08:38,491
Jefferson.
113
00:08:39,374 --> 00:08:41,012
Gabby.
114
00:08:44,174 --> 00:08:46,847
Oh, my tooth.
115
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,562
Jefferson, I can't stand to hear
Peg in so much pain.
116
00:08:49,814 --> 00:08:51,611
- You have any Novocain?
- No.
117
00:08:51,854 --> 00:08:55,529
Al, it's getting worse.
118
00:08:55,774 --> 00:08:58,004
How about some duct tape?
119
00:09:03,534 --> 00:09:05,331
- Hello?
- Hello.
120
00:09:05,574 --> 00:09:08,008
Yes, Golden Sunset
Retirement Home?
121
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,444
Yes, I'm with the phone company.
122
00:09:10,694 --> 00:09:13,162
We've got a man
working on your phone lines...
123
00:09:13,374 --> 00:09:17,049
...so would you not pick up the phone
for the next five minutes or so...
124
00:09:17,254 --> 00:09:19,609
...or he'll be electrocuted.
125
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,525
- Okay?
- Okay.
126
00:09:22,774 --> 00:09:24,526
Bye.
127
00:09:30,854 --> 00:09:32,845
Hello?
128
00:09:44,254 --> 00:09:46,973
Oh, I love April Fools' Day.
129
00:09:48,014 --> 00:09:49,572
Hello, Chicago Memorial Hospital?
130
00:09:49,814 --> 00:09:52,374
Yes. Coronary Care unit, please.
131
00:09:52,974 --> 00:09:56,569
Room 410.
132
00:09:57,734 --> 00:09:59,008
I don't understand it.
133
00:09:59,254 --> 00:10:01,131
Well, we both look
desperate and homeless.
134
00:10:01,374 --> 00:10:04,650
Yet they give you all the money
and spit all over me.
135
00:10:05,174 --> 00:10:06,402
Why is that?
136
00:10:06,654 --> 00:10:08,690
You don't get it, do you?
137
00:10:10,654 --> 00:10:11,973
Look.
138
00:10:14,134 --> 00:10:16,853
This is not a fun-house mirror.
139
00:10:19,414 --> 00:10:22,565
This is actually what you look like.
140
00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:26,324
Now, on the other hand,
this is what I look like.
141
00:10:37,534 --> 00:10:41,766
And that is why
we're opening Kelly and Bud's.
142
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:44,404
Spare change?
143
00:10:52,454 --> 00:10:54,763
- AI Bundy?
- Yes, officer?
144
00:10:54,974 --> 00:10:58,523
I'm innocent. I was abused.
145
00:10:59,294 --> 00:11:02,331
No, Mr. Bundy.
My name is Walter Traugott.
146
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:04,686
Oh, the baseball-team owner.
147
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:07,607
Yeah, I saw you on TV last night.
What are you doing here?
148
00:11:07,854 --> 00:11:12,291
I've got something to discuss with you
of a rather personal nature.
149
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,126
Well, don't worry about it, Troggy.
150
00:11:14,334 --> 00:11:17,007
Your secret's safe with me.
I'll just go close the blinds...
151
00:11:17,214 --> 00:11:20,490
...and you can try on
anything you like here.
152
00:11:25,054 --> 00:11:28,444
For season tickets, I'll call a friend
of mine over at Victoria's Secret...
153
00:11:28,694 --> 00:11:31,731
...and you can coordinate.
154
00:11:36,774 --> 00:11:40,653
Thank you. No, Mr. Bundy,
I came here to ask you a question.
155
00:11:40,894 --> 00:11:44,603
Specifically, do you know
the man in this picture?
156
00:11:47,654 --> 00:11:49,929
Or this one.
157
00:11:53,894 --> 00:11:55,805
Or maybe this one.
158
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:01,528
I'll cut to the chase.
159
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:04,726
This man is one of the most
dangerous people in the world.
160
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,283
Joey Bishop?
161
00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:09,968
I always suspected that.
162
00:12:10,214 --> 00:12:12,489
- That one.
- Him?
163
00:12:12,734 --> 00:12:16,852
- Why, that looks like...
- Like who, Mr. Bundy?
164
00:12:17,094 --> 00:12:19,483
Hey, now, If you're a cop,
I don't talk to the law...
165
00:12:19,694 --> 00:12:22,891
...I don't listen to the law,
I don't watch L.A. Law.
166
00:12:26,614 --> 00:12:29,287
Let me level with you.
The man I'm asking you about...
167
00:12:29,494 --> 00:12:32,691
...is a spy, Mr. Bundy.
A dangerous spy.
168
00:12:32,934 --> 00:12:36,051
And we want him. This is my card.
169
00:12:36,294 --> 00:12:39,127
I'll be in Chicago for two more days.
170
00:12:39,374 --> 00:12:43,333
Not that you'd put financial gain above
your country's national security...
171
00:12:43,574 --> 00:12:47,408
...but there is a reward for information
leading to the arrest of this man.
172
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:51,131
Oh, rewards mean nothing to me.
173
00:12:51,734 --> 00:12:55,170
- How much is it, by the way?
- Fifty thousand dollars.
174
00:12:58,094 --> 00:13:00,130
I'll be talking to you.
175
00:13:05,694 --> 00:13:08,527
All right, Peg. I made the appointment
with the dentist.
176
00:13:08,774 --> 00:13:12,084
This better still hurt when we get there
because dentists aren't cheap.
177
00:13:13,614 --> 00:13:15,093
Hey, guys, what's up?
178
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:17,212
Oh, nothing.
179
00:13:18,454 --> 00:13:21,924
Or as they say in the Kremlin,
"nyet."
180
00:13:24,574 --> 00:13:27,042
- AI.
- Peg, please just go wait in the car.
181
00:13:27,294 --> 00:13:29,250
- I'll be right there.
- Promise me, Al?
182
00:13:29,494 --> 00:13:30,973
Yes, I promise, Peg.
183
00:13:31,214 --> 00:13:35,605
- You swear to me, Al?
- Damn your hide, yes, I promise.
184
00:13:35,894 --> 00:13:37,964
Wait in the freaking car.
185
00:13:39,054 --> 00:13:42,933
Jeez, the things that women make
you say to show them you love them.
186
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:45,651
- What do you want, buddy?
- Oh, nothing.
187
00:13:45,894 --> 00:13:49,091
It's just that I didn't get a chance
to talk to you much yesterday...
188
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:53,407
...and I was just, you know,
wondering what was up, you know?
189
00:13:54,174 --> 00:13:56,404
- Nothing.
- Me neither.
190
00:13:56,654 --> 00:13:58,292
So...
191
00:13:58,814 --> 00:14:00,770
...ever been a spy?
192
00:14:03,774 --> 00:14:05,446
I beg your pardon?
193
00:14:05,694 --> 00:14:07,650
Okay. Okay.
194
00:14:08,574 --> 00:14:10,530
Let's get right to the point.
195
00:14:10,854 --> 00:14:13,766
Who won the World Series in '76?
196
00:14:14,534 --> 00:14:16,331
The Reds.
197
00:14:16,934 --> 00:14:21,212
- What?
- Interesting choice-ski, comrade.
198
00:14:23,974 --> 00:14:26,249
Look, shouldn't you be taking
Peggy to the dentist?
199
00:14:26,494 --> 00:14:29,133
Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
200
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,564
- Do you know what I'm gonna do?
- What?
201
00:14:31,814 --> 00:14:35,250
I wanna play
Name the American Presidents.
202
00:14:37,174 --> 00:14:39,893
- You gotta be kidding.
- Afraid not.
203
00:14:40,134 --> 00:14:41,965
You go first.
204
00:14:42,894 --> 00:14:45,203
Okay. George Washington.
205
00:14:45,454 --> 00:14:48,332
- Eisenhower.
- John Adams.
206
00:14:48,574 --> 00:14:50,804
Eisenhower.
207
00:14:53,774 --> 00:14:55,002
Thomas Jefferson.
208
00:14:56,294 --> 00:14:58,171
Eisenhower.
209
00:15:00,374 --> 00:15:02,330
James K. Polk.
210
00:15:02,574 --> 00:15:06,533
Dwight D. Eisenhower.
211
00:15:07,894 --> 00:15:11,045
Al, we have run through
the presidents 15 times.
212
00:15:11,294 --> 00:15:14,650
Just one more question.
213
00:15:17,734 --> 00:15:19,770
Big 'Uns magazine...
214
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:23,966
...Hooters of the Month.
215
00:15:26,014 --> 00:15:28,289
November '88.
216
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:31,048
Kimberly Nicholson. Born 1969.
217
00:15:31,294 --> 00:15:34,650
Turn ons: fast cars, walks
on the beach and young Rod Stewart.
218
00:15:34,894 --> 00:15:39,524
Turn offs: Men who smoke,
war and old Rod Stewart.
219
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:41,602
Right?
220
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,893
What's that?
I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
221
00:15:50,854 --> 00:15:53,732
All right, let's say
you're an American.
222
00:15:53,974 --> 00:15:55,851
Of course I'm an American, Al.
223
00:15:56,094 --> 00:15:58,369
Look, what is going on here?
224
00:15:59,254 --> 00:16:03,293
Walter Traugott came into the store
today, told me you were a spy.
225
00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:06,924
Said he'd give me a $50,000 reward
if I turned you in.
226
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:09,573
Did you?
227
00:16:11,174 --> 00:16:15,087
Do I look like I'm in Rio
without the wife and kids?
228
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,765
Although there is a plane
leaving at 6.
229
00:16:19,014 --> 00:16:20,413
All right.
230
00:16:21,054 --> 00:16:25,093
- All right. Look, Al, I was a spy.
- Thank you.
231
00:16:30,694 --> 00:16:33,731
But for us.
Traugott's the bad guy.
232
00:16:33,974 --> 00:16:37,171
Besides, Al, you have known me
for three years.
233
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,813
You know I'm an American.
234
00:16:39,054 --> 00:16:43,252
Well, so am I, that's why it's so hard
to turn down free money.
235
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:48,650
I've got another reason for you
not to turn me in, Al.
236
00:16:49,054 --> 00:16:50,612
Because you're a Bundy...
237
00:16:50,854 --> 00:16:55,325
...and if you put a D
where the N is, you're a buddy.
238
00:16:58,054 --> 00:17:01,091
If you put the N where the D is,
I'm a bunny. What's your point?
239
00:17:06,574 --> 00:17:08,007
Look, I'm not gonna turn you in.
240
00:17:08,214 --> 00:17:13,925
There are three things a Bundy will
never be: rich, a snitch or regular.
241
00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:17,163
So relax. Your secret's safe with me.
242
00:17:17,414 --> 00:17:19,848
- Thanks, Al.
- One last question.
243
00:17:21,694 --> 00:17:27,291
Who was the vice-president
under President Eisenhower?
244
00:17:27,894 --> 00:17:29,646
I have no idea.
245
00:17:30,534 --> 00:17:32,490
You are an American.
246
00:17:39,534 --> 00:17:41,092
- AI.
- Oh, yeah, the dentist.
247
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:44,371
- All right, let's go.
- I've already been, you kumquat.
248
00:17:44,614 --> 00:17:46,491
Here's the bill.
249
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:49,453
- How am I supposed to pay this?
- Don't look at me.
250
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,924
If only it were that easy.
251
00:17:55,454 --> 00:17:58,048
Dad, got some bad news.
252
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,683
The traditional Bundy greeting.
253
00:18:01,654 --> 00:18:03,929
The police confiscated
our beggings.
254
00:18:04,174 --> 00:18:07,484
And we're being sued
for impersonating the homeless.
255
00:18:08,134 --> 00:18:09,567
You know what the worst part is?
256
00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:13,124
That it's too late to adopt
the Menendez boys?
257
00:18:17,774 --> 00:18:21,608
No. The photo studio
would have been a success.
258
00:18:21,854 --> 00:18:24,652
Panhandling. This is what we get
for listening to Mr. D'Arcy.
259
00:18:24,894 --> 00:18:27,613
Yeah. Boy, I wish
we had something on him.
260
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:35,084
Fifty thousand dollars.
261
00:18:35,334 --> 00:18:37,564
Fifty thousand dollars.
262
00:18:37,814 --> 00:18:39,884
Fifty thousand dollars.
263
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:52,562
Hi, Al.
264
00:18:52,814 --> 00:18:56,489
Hey, I got some great stuff
for the April Fools' party tonight.
265
00:18:56,694 --> 00:18:59,003
Check it out, fake vomit.
266
00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:08,210
And fake doggie doo-doo.
267
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:13,404
Humans.
They really know how to party.
268
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,371
I've been thinking about it
and I can't go to the party with you.
269
00:19:18,254 --> 00:19:19,482
Why not?
270
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:22,851
Oh, it's the lame
April Fools' gags, huh?
271
00:19:23,094 --> 00:19:26,006
Well, that and I could get killed
hanging out with you.
272
00:19:26,254 --> 00:19:29,291
See, I don't wanna go that way.
I wanna go the way all Bundys go.
273
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:31,331
I wanna hang myself
in my own basement...
274
00:19:31,574 --> 00:19:33,690
...by jumping off my workbench.
275
00:19:34,734 --> 00:19:37,123
Not that I have it planned out
or anything.
276
00:19:37,374 --> 00:19:39,126
But nobody knows who I am, Al.
277
00:19:39,374 --> 00:19:41,444
Unless you told.
278
00:19:41,854 --> 00:19:43,890
Now, why would I do that?
Who would I tell?
279
00:19:44,134 --> 00:19:47,968
Paging Mr. Traugott.
Paging Mr. Walter Traugott.
280
00:19:50,414 --> 00:19:54,123
Now, that page
could have come from anybody.
281
00:19:54,374 --> 00:19:58,253
Mr. Al Bundy paging Walter Traugott.
282
00:19:59,774 --> 00:20:03,767
What? Jefferson, now, I swear
I didn't have nothing to do with that.
283
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,245
I see now what I have to do.
284
00:20:07,494 --> 00:20:10,167
But I didn't have
nothing to do with that.
285
00:20:15,974 --> 00:20:17,726
You would think
after a few years...
286
00:20:17,974 --> 00:20:21,205
...you could count on a friend
to take him at his word.
287
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:27,208
But I guess you just never know
who you can really trust, hey, buddy?
288
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:31,170
That's bunny.
289
00:20:33,614 --> 00:20:36,651
With two N's.
290
00:20:40,974 --> 00:20:43,613
Don't grovel, Al.
Look, if you have to say anything...
291
00:20:44,414 --> 00:20:47,804
...I want you to take a deep breath...
292
00:20:48,054 --> 00:20:49,282
...and tell me...
293
00:20:51,454 --> 00:20:54,730
...who's the best damn April Fooler
in the whole world?
294
00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:11,090
- April Fool?
- That's right.
295
00:21:11,334 --> 00:21:13,564
April Fool.
296
00:21:14,174 --> 00:21:16,051
What about that guy
that came to my store?
297
00:21:16,974 --> 00:21:20,410
Walter Traugott? He's an old friend
of the family from D.C.
298
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:23,009
I sent him into your store
with that story, Al.
299
00:21:23,254 --> 00:21:26,963
And you bought it
hook, line, and sinker.
300
00:21:27,414 --> 00:21:30,770
Oh, yeah? Well, you better not use
your phone for the next five minutes...
301
00:21:31,014 --> 00:21:33,892
...because someone's gonna be
working on your lines.
302
00:21:38,174 --> 00:21:40,085
Nice try.
Come on, let's go to the party.
303
00:21:40,334 --> 00:21:42,564
But you mean
none of that spy stuff was true?
304
00:21:42,814 --> 00:21:45,089
Oh, come on, Al.
305
00:21:45,334 --> 00:21:47,450
If I was really involved espionage...
306
00:21:47,654 --> 00:21:50,851
...couldn't I have just made one
phone call and had Traugott taken out?
307
00:21:51,094 --> 00:21:53,483
- I guess.
- Well, then, what do you think?
308
00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,774
And that's a ground out to third.
309
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:03,286
Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen...
310
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:07,083
...Walter Traugott fell to the ground
from an upper deck luxury box.
311
00:22:22,814 --> 00:22:24,884
And now some other scores
around the league.
312
00:22:25,094 --> 00:22:28,052
In the fifth, Milwauk ee is leading
the White Sox 6 to 1.
313
00:22:28,254 --> 00:22:31,644
And in Los Angeles,
the Dodgers still suck.1
00:01:17,915 --> 00:01:20,987
Does this look like pink to you?
2
00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:23,305
I said pink!
3
00:01:23,555 --> 00:01:26,023
Pink, you bone top!
4
00:01:30,875 --> 00:01:34,424
A thousand pardons,
my little carbuncle.
5
00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:40,751
With this attitude, you're gonna be
working here for the rest of your life.
6
00:01:41,915 --> 00:01:44,031
Take a gander
into the seat next to you...
7
00:01:44,275 --> 00:01:46,664
...if you wanna see
what your future looks like.
8
00:01:53,115 --> 00:01:54,434
Come, Penelope.
9
00:01:54,675 --> 00:01:57,906
Let's go someplace
where they treat us with respect!
10
00:01:58,155 --> 00:02:01,352
Try the moon,
you'll weigh less there.
11
00:02:12,635 --> 00:02:14,990
What the hell happened
to my lunchbox?
12
00:02:18,035 --> 00:02:19,593
Mr. Bundy?
13
00:02:20,115 --> 00:02:22,265
I'm Dexter, the temp you ordered.
14
00:02:22,635 --> 00:02:24,068
Well, that can't be.
15
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,347
No, I wanted someone
with a 44-inch chest.
16
00:02:27,595 --> 00:02:29,187
- D cup?
- Yeah.
17
00:02:29,435 --> 00:02:31,073
That's me.
18
00:02:32,595 --> 00:02:34,233
Have you ever sold shoes before?
19
00:02:34,475 --> 00:02:36,067
Nope.
20
00:02:36,755 --> 00:02:38,029
You?
21
00:02:40,155 --> 00:02:41,588
Nope.
22
00:02:42,235 --> 00:02:44,271
Welcome aboard. Grab a seat.
23
00:02:44,475 --> 00:02:47,273
Sorry I'm late, but there's a
line around the block out there.
24
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:51,872
Those are for tickets for a rock group
called Burned Beyond Recognition.
25
00:02:52,115 --> 00:02:55,232
What kind of moron would wait in line
all day for a rock group?
26
00:02:58,675 --> 00:03:01,712
I gotta get back in line, Dad.
Thanks for the bathroom.
27
00:03:01,955 --> 00:03:06,904
Son, you and Kelly have been
waiting in line for three days.
28
00:03:07,155 --> 00:03:10,511
Dad, Burned Beyond Recognition
is the coolest band in the world.
29
00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,315
Burned Beyond Recognition.
30
00:03:13,555 --> 00:03:17,025
Why can't these rock groups have
cool names, like when we were kids?
31
00:03:17,275 --> 00:03:21,029
Groups like 1910 Fruitgum Company.
32
00:03:21,915 --> 00:03:24,270
Yeah, that was back in the '60s,
wasn't it?
33
00:03:24,515 --> 00:03:26,073
We learned about that in history.
34
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,433
Yeah, you laugh.
35
00:03:29,675 --> 00:03:33,031
But at least we could have sex
without being wrapped in a tire.
36
00:03:39,115 --> 00:03:42,107
I'm sorry to bring up
that sex thing, son.
37
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:43,993
What's so special about this band?
38
00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:48,389
Oh, the lead singer's been known to
vomit and urinate on the audience.
39
00:03:48,635 --> 00:03:51,024
Pee-per-view.
40
00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:54,548
Yeah, and if you smile up at Dung,
the lead guitarist...
41
00:03:54,795 --> 00:03:57,184
...he'll headbutt you
right in your teeth.
42
00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,104
There's nothing like
someone taking a running start...
43
00:04:00,315 --> 00:04:02,704
...and diving onto you, face first.
44
00:04:04,115 --> 00:04:05,673
Actually, there is.
45
00:04:05,915 --> 00:04:08,190
Wife calls it courting.
46
00:04:22,475 --> 00:04:25,512
Hey, no cutting ahead.
I've been here for three days.
47
00:04:25,755 --> 00:04:27,188
Oh, I'm sorry.
48
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,347
Say, you are one beautiful girl.
49
00:04:30,595 --> 00:04:33,553
Right. And the check is in my mouth.
50
00:04:35,115 --> 00:04:38,425
I know the guys backstage
would love to meet you.
51
00:04:38,675 --> 00:04:40,188
You have backstage passes?
52
00:04:40,435 --> 00:04:42,027
You have to get me back there.
53
00:04:42,275 --> 00:04:46,063
No problem. Just trade places in line
with me, and they're yours.
54
00:04:46,315 --> 00:04:49,546
Well, okay.
55
00:04:49,755 --> 00:04:52,588
Boy, Bud's gonna be so proud of me.
Where's your place in line?
56
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:56,111
You know where the end of the line is?
Past that.
57
00:05:04,235 --> 00:05:06,624
Hello, losers.
58
00:05:07,715 --> 00:05:10,912
Me and my sister
are way, way, way...
59
00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:13,794
What the hell
are you doing back here?
60
00:05:14,235 --> 00:05:15,827
I got us backstage passes.
61
00:05:16,075 --> 00:05:18,430
All I had to do
was trade places with some guy.
62
00:05:19,795 --> 00:05:22,434
Kelly, these are bus transfers.
63
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:28,984
Hey, not only can we get backstage,
we have a way to the concert.
64
00:05:31,035 --> 00:05:33,071
You can't be this dumb.
65
00:05:34,395 --> 00:05:37,467
I can be anything I wanna be.
It's the '90s.
66
00:05:39,155 --> 00:05:40,793
Never mind.
67
00:05:41,915 --> 00:05:44,668
I wish Mom would hurry up
with the food. I'm starving.
68
00:05:44,875 --> 00:05:46,945
But there's no way
I'm leaving this line again.
69
00:05:47,195 --> 00:05:51,427
She's probably pulling into the parking
lot right now. You can depend on Mom.
70
00:06:01,275 --> 00:06:04,347
Peggy. Peggy. Peggy!
71
00:06:08,155 --> 00:06:10,066
Quick! Turn on the radio.
72
00:06:10,315 --> 00:06:13,910
It's the Rick Dees show.
He is in rare form today.
73
00:06:14,155 --> 00:06:16,544
- What's he doing?
- Performing a public service.
74
00:06:16,795 --> 00:06:20,151
Humiliating and destroying men
on the air.
75
00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:25,383
Hi, I'm Rick Dees
and welcome to Berate Your Mate.
76
00:06:25,595 --> 00:06:27,392
Today, ladies,
we're gonna have fun by...
77
00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:31,270
...making your husbands sing
the world's most insipid love song.
78
00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:36,031
- Of course, that insipid love song is.
- "Wind Beneath My Wings"?
79
00:06:36,275 --> 00:06:39,187
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
80
00:06:40,195 --> 00:06:44,108
Too bad it's not "Wind Beneath
My Pants." Al would be a shoo-in.
81
00:06:45,395 --> 00:06:48,432
Now, if you can get your husband
to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings"...
82
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:51,394
...on the air,
without telling him it's a contest...
83
00:06:51,595 --> 00:06:53,745
What kind of woman
would do that to her husband?
84
00:06:53,995 --> 00:06:58,785
- you'll win a $ 200 gift certificate
to Victoria's Secret.
85
00:07:00,435 --> 00:07:03,108
- Yep?
- AI, it's me.
86
00:07:03,355 --> 00:07:07,792
- You know what I'd lik e right now?
- A chocolate couch?
87
00:07:10,315 --> 00:07:14,593
Well, yeah, but right now,
I want you to sing to me.
88
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,268
Come on, Peg, I'm working here.
89
00:07:16,795 --> 00:07:19,355
- Hook it! Hook it!
- Hold it.
90
00:07:19,675 --> 00:07:21,427
Hold it. Hold it.
91
00:07:21,795 --> 00:07:23,945
But, Al, I'm feeling a little lonely...
92
00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:27,107
...and nothing would cheer me up more
than hearing you sing:
93
00:07:27,355 --> 00:07:29,346
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
94
00:07:29,595 --> 00:07:30,948
Just a second here, Peg!
95
00:07:31,195 --> 00:07:34,312
God! Get this thing on there.
96
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,034
Dexter, get the tranquilizer gun.
97
00:07:36,235 --> 00:07:38,874
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to tag and release this one.
98
00:07:43,115 --> 00:07:47,745
Come on, Al. I really wanna hear
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
99
00:07:48,155 --> 00:07:50,749
Well, then jump off the roof, Peg.
100
00:07:52,715 --> 00:07:55,149
Oh, you're hurting my baby toe!
101
00:07:58,635 --> 00:08:03,663
Ma'am, there ain't a damn thing
on your body that's baby.
102
00:08:12,315 --> 00:08:15,910
- What's keeping Mom?
- Why don't you go look for her?
103
00:08:16,355 --> 00:08:18,949
Leave you here,
so I can come back and hear you say:
104
00:08:19,155 --> 00:08:22,625
"Bud, I traded our place in line
for these magic beans."
105
00:08:28,635 --> 00:08:32,025
No, you go look for her. I'm gonna
stay here and guard our place.
106
00:08:32,235 --> 00:08:33,668
Fine.
107
00:08:35,035 --> 00:08:38,664
Backstage passes.
She'd fall for anything.
108
00:08:43,235 --> 00:08:45,590
Hi, there, cutie. Can I cut in line?
109
00:08:46,875 --> 00:08:48,672
Absolutely.
110
00:08:50,075 --> 00:08:52,225
Would you mind if
a few of my friends joined us?
111
00:08:53,035 --> 00:08:54,514
Are they as good-looking as you?
112
00:08:56,395 --> 00:08:57,714
I think so.
113
00:08:58,475 --> 00:09:00,466
Let the games begin.
114
00:09:00,835 --> 00:09:02,712
He said okay.
115
00:09:16,795 --> 00:09:18,194
Please, Al.
116
00:09:18,435 --> 00:09:20,266
Yeah, I know you, Peg.
117
00:09:20,515 --> 00:09:24,428
If I start singing, you'll get as horny
as the cape of the same name.
118
00:09:25,635 --> 00:09:26,863
Well, sing to me.
119
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,910
Oh, all right.
120
00:09:38,755 --> 00:09:40,871
Help!
121
00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:45,188
She's fallen and I can't get up.
122
00:09:47,155 --> 00:09:48,986
- Gotta go, Peg.
- Sing first.
123
00:09:49,235 --> 00:09:50,873
Gotta go, Peg!
124
00:09:53,795 --> 00:09:55,706
Dexter! Are you all right?
125
00:09:55,955 --> 00:09:58,344
I think I'm done for.
126
00:09:59,195 --> 00:10:01,106
Just shoot me.
127
00:10:01,795 --> 00:10:04,389
And tell Laura I love her.
128
00:10:04,795 --> 00:10:09,744
I'll get help. Just to try to find
an air pocket in there someplace!
129
00:10:10,915 --> 00:10:13,065
Now, now, Mrs. Bundy,
don't give up on him.
130
00:10:13,315 --> 00:10:15,226
I'm gonna give you
a second chance to win.
131
00:10:15,475 --> 00:10:19,468
How'd you lik e dinner for two
at the best restaurant in town?
132
00:10:19,835 --> 00:10:22,508
Ed's Tacos and Liquor?
133
00:10:23,275 --> 00:10:28,065
No. We're gonna send you to a place
with a roof and tables. Umbertos.
134
00:10:28,555 --> 00:10:30,068
- Umbertos?
- Oh, it's great.
135
00:10:30,595 --> 00:10:32,631
Okay, Rick. What do I have to do?
136
00:10:37,235 --> 00:10:39,305
What is it now, Peg?
137
00:10:39,675 --> 00:10:43,384
Al, this is very, very important.
138
00:10:43,635 --> 00:10:45,705
You know my boobs?
139
00:10:47,435 --> 00:10:50,871
Yeah, they're standing in line
for concert tickets.
140
00:10:57,515 --> 00:11:00,951
Not those boobs. My chest.
141
00:11:01,195 --> 00:11:03,504
I need you to say over the phone...
142
00:11:03,755 --> 00:11:06,508
...that cute little nickname
that you have for them.
143
00:11:09,595 --> 00:11:10,823
What is it, Peg?
144
00:11:11,035 --> 00:11:14,186
Your One Week to a Dead Husband
kit come in?
145
00:11:14,835 --> 00:11:17,065
I'm trying to work here!
146
00:11:17,315 --> 00:11:18,714
Clear!
147
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,634
Oh, come on, Al.
148
00:11:23,875 --> 00:11:26,343
You know what you call them.
Just say it.
149
00:11:26,595 --> 00:11:28,870
Peg, do you think Mrs. lacocca
calls Lee and says:
150
00:11:29,115 --> 00:11:31,185
"Lee, before you go back
into the boardroom...
151
00:11:31,435 --> 00:11:34,791
...what's that cute little nickname
you have for my ass?"
152
00:11:37,795 --> 00:11:41,105
Now, look, Al, you just don't
understand. This is extreme...
153
00:11:41,355 --> 00:11:42,913
Clear!
154
00:11:47,155 --> 00:11:49,305
Hang in there, Dexter.
155
00:11:49,995 --> 00:11:52,225
Mrs. Bundy,
we're gonna give you one last chance.
156
00:11:52,475 --> 00:11:56,832
You'll win a trip to Tahiti
and $10, 000 in cash...
157
00:11:57,075 --> 00:11:59,987
...if you can get your husband
to come home.
158
00:12:00,235 --> 00:12:03,068
- I can do that.
- I mean, in the next 60 minutes.
159
00:12:03,315 --> 00:12:06,625
- I can do that.
- For a nooner.
160
00:12:11,555 --> 00:12:14,228
Do you have any consolation prizes?
161
00:12:23,115 --> 00:12:24,468
Do you have anything sexy?
162
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,706
No, do you?
163
00:12:40,115 --> 00:12:42,390
It's a good job.
164
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,114
Hello.
165
00:12:48,715 --> 00:12:50,228
It's for you.
166
00:12:50,675 --> 00:12:52,984
Guess who this is.
167
00:12:53,595 --> 00:12:55,984
My brain on drugs?
168
00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:01,666
Al, it's me.
169
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:05,794
I want you to come home
for a nooner.
170
00:13:08,915 --> 00:13:10,507
A nooner?
171
00:13:10,995 --> 00:13:12,223
Yeah.
172
00:13:12,555 --> 00:13:15,228
- Well, sure. What time?
- Now!
173
00:13:15,435 --> 00:13:16,424
I'll be right there!
174
00:13:17,715 --> 00:13:18,943
Dexter, mind the store.
175
00:13:19,195 --> 00:13:20,628
But I can't work the register.
176
00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:23,787
Well, do what I do. Pocket it.
177
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,548
I'm getting me some nooner!
178
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,868
- Nooner?
- Yeah. Yeah, you know, like lunch.
179
00:13:39,115 --> 00:13:41,265
You want me to bring you
back some?
180
00:13:43,835 --> 00:13:48,386
Al, nooner is when you have sex
in the middle of the day.
181
00:13:53,595 --> 00:13:56,905
You just agreed
to make love to your wife.
182
00:13:58,595 --> 00:14:01,667
Great jumping horny toads!
183
00:14:04,115 --> 00:14:06,868
- I did it. I did it.
- Not yet, Mrs. Bundy.
184
00:14:07,115 --> 00:14:08,548
We gotta k eep you on the line...
185
00:14:08,755 --> 00:14:11,667
...and see if your husband
really does come home before 1.00.
186
00:14:11,915 --> 00:14:13,348
Oh, he'll be here.
187
00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:16,553
And by the way,
could you define "sex"?
188
00:14:16,795 --> 00:14:20,868
I mean, it doesn't have to last long
or feel good or anything, right?
189
00:14:21,115 --> 00:14:26,587
No, Mrs. Bundy, just as in football,
all he has to do is break the plane.
190
00:14:28,155 --> 00:14:29,986
Oh, Marcie, I'm so excited.
191
00:14:30,235 --> 00:14:33,033
I'm gonna have sex and go to Tahiti.
192
00:14:33,235 --> 00:14:34,463
Al's never been there.
193
00:14:34,715 --> 00:14:36,751
I bet he's never been to Tahiti either.
194
00:14:45,915 --> 00:14:47,314
Kelly.
195
00:14:50,995 --> 00:14:51,950
Back here.
196
00:14:56,355 --> 00:14:58,311
Let me guess.
197
00:14:58,595 --> 00:15:00,631
A girl, right?
198
00:15:02,115 --> 00:15:03,753
Look, look.
199
00:15:03,995 --> 00:15:06,828
Sometimes a person's just so sexy
that you fall in love...
200
00:15:07,035 --> 00:15:09,595
...and if they want
to cut ahead of you, then so be it.
201
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:19,547
Great. Now I owe Dad 10 bucks.
202
00:15:20,075 --> 00:15:21,554
Shut up, okay?
203
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,952
If we can manage to stay right here,
we're still gonna get our tickets.
204
00:15:25,155 --> 00:15:28,704
The box office for Burned Beyond
Recognition is now open.
205
00:15:28,955 --> 00:15:32,072
Remember, no line-cutting allowed.
206
00:15:32,315 --> 00:15:34,146
Hey, wait a minute!
207
00:15:44,315 --> 00:15:45,953
I'm starving.
208
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,789
It's obvious Mom's not gonna
bring us any food.
209
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:52,789
And I can't leave you here. You'd give
away our place to anything in a skirt.
210
00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,108
Well, I'm not leaving you here.
211
00:15:55,315 --> 00:15:58,068
You'd give your skirt away
to anyone in the place.
212
00:16:01,595 --> 00:16:03,825
Who are we gonna get
to stand in line for us?
213
00:16:07,275 --> 00:16:09,630
Hey, Dad, you're not doing anything.
214
00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:14,509
I'm selling shoes.
215
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,189
Yeah, and we're writing
a screenplay.
216
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,033
What's it about?
217
00:16:24,475 --> 00:16:26,147
Come on, Dad. Please?
218
00:16:26,395 --> 00:16:27,874
Oh, all right.
219
00:16:28,115 --> 00:16:29,992
I'm not really selling shoes.
220
00:16:30,195 --> 00:16:31,753
- Thanks. Appreciate it.
- Thank you.
221
00:16:31,995 --> 00:16:35,624
- Hey, you want anything?
- Yeah, I'd like an egg sal...
222
00:16:36,755 --> 00:16:40,065
Hey, are they selling
Wayne Newton tickets too?
223
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:44,914
Well, at least Wayne never had to pee
on his audience to gain their respect.
224
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:50,593
I don't know, maybe he did.
I can't explain his popularity.
225
00:16:51,435 --> 00:16:53,665
Al? Al, what are you doing here?
226
00:16:53,915 --> 00:16:55,712
Paying the price for having kids.
227
00:16:56,675 --> 00:16:59,633
No, you should be home
having sex with your wife.
228
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:04,950
- Why?
- Because I heard Peggy on the radio.
229
00:17:05,195 --> 00:17:07,425
If you get home before 1:00
for a nooner...
230
00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:12,425
...you win $10,000
and a trip to Tahiti.
231
00:17:14,715 --> 00:17:17,070
$10,000 and a trip to Tahiti,
just for sex with Peg?
232
00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:18,503
Yeah.
233
00:17:18,755 --> 00:17:20,507
Well, this is a toughie.
234
00:17:22,795 --> 00:17:25,070
Yeah, well, it could be worse.
235
00:17:26,355 --> 00:17:30,143
Look at the mountain
I gotta climb 12 times a year.
236
00:17:31,235 --> 00:17:33,590
Go. Go.
237
00:17:38,155 --> 00:17:41,033
Hey, Dad, you got
a couple of bucks we could...?
238
00:17:42,355 --> 00:17:45,791
He's gone. Our place.
239
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,993
Look, we'll sneak
in right behind this guy.
240
00:17:55,595 --> 00:17:58,109
Hey, lemon head.
241
00:17:58,395 --> 00:18:00,272
You just cut right in front of me.
242
00:18:00,595 --> 00:18:03,348
Oh, yeah?
You got something to say?
243
00:18:03,595 --> 00:18:05,267
Say it to him.
244
00:18:05,555 --> 00:18:07,034
Don't say it to me. I didn't do...
245
00:18:16,675 --> 00:18:18,552
It's a good life.
246
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:23,274
Well, Mrs. Bundy,
you've got less than a minute left.
247
00:18:25,035 --> 00:18:28,869
Listen, Mr. Dees, Al's home.
248
00:18:34,715 --> 00:18:36,546
Hi, honey.
249
00:18:37,715 --> 00:18:42,345
I may be insipid
and smell like rotting flesh...
250
00:18:43,235 --> 00:18:46,864
...but I'm home for sex. Burp.
251
00:18:48,355 --> 00:18:51,108
Let's bump uglies.
252
00:18:52,075 --> 00:18:55,784
- Oh, Al.
- Oh, Peg.
253
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:58,265
Oh, right.
254
00:18:59,115 --> 00:19:02,630
Look, this isn't Oprah, ladies.
I'm sorry, your time is up.
255
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:05,435
But for playing along,
you'll get a consolation prize.
256
00:19:05,675 --> 00:19:07,666
This is Rick Dees...
257
00:19:07,915 --> 00:19:09,394
Did we win? Did we win?
258
00:19:09,635 --> 00:19:12,707
I had to stop off at the drugstore
and get some marital aids.
259
00:19:12,955 --> 00:19:16,311
I got breath mints for you
and Wild Turkey for me.
260
00:19:22,475 --> 00:19:24,113
Let's do it! Are we too late?
261
00:19:24,355 --> 00:19:27,313
- Well, actually...
- Actually, no, we're not.
262
00:19:27,555 --> 00:19:31,833
We still have three minutes left.
We could do it six times.
263
00:19:32,915 --> 00:19:35,713
Great. Great, Peg. You go upstairs,
I'll put the chicken out.
264
00:19:42,395 --> 00:19:47,264
Al, hurry.
We only have two minutes left.
265
00:19:52,955 --> 00:19:54,547
I can't believe it.
266
00:19:54,835 --> 00:19:57,827
The guy ahead of us gets
the last ticket, and what do I get?
267
00:19:58,075 --> 00:20:00,589
I spend three days of my life
with you.
268
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:05,913
Three days! Oh, sure,
it might be fun for the Navy, but...
269
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,147
Like you had anything better to do...
270
00:20:11,355 --> 00:20:14,870
...than dunk your girlfriend in water
to see where the leak was.
271
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:20,429
Hey, at least she has an excuse
for having air in her head.
272
00:20:23,115 --> 00:20:25,709
That is, if I had a rubber girlfriend.
273
00:20:33,835 --> 00:20:36,030
Which I don't.
274
00:20:40,555 --> 00:20:42,591
Not anymore.
275
00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:48,708
I just know if we had gotten in,
Dung would have bashed in my teeth.
276
00:20:48,955 --> 00:20:50,388
This is all Dad's fault.
277
00:20:50,595 --> 00:20:52,313
I'm not gonna let him
get away with it.
278
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:55,831
I say we stay home tonight
and we make his life miserable.
279
00:21:08,915 --> 00:21:10,189
Where are you guys going?
280
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,268
To the Burned Beyond Recognition
concert.
281
00:21:13,515 --> 00:21:17,064
It was our consolation prize
from the Rick Dees show.
282
00:21:17,955 --> 00:21:21,550
Wait, Dad's the reason we don't
have tickets. We should have them.
283
00:21:21,795 --> 00:21:23,194
Are you kidding?
284
00:21:23,435 --> 00:21:26,507
You don't know what I had to
go through to get those tickets.
285
00:21:29,675 --> 00:21:31,870
You don't know where I've been.
286
00:21:32,395 --> 00:21:36,149
And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
287
00:21:40,835 --> 00:21:42,473
You guys don't even like BBR.
288
00:21:42,955 --> 00:21:47,028
Well, I don't like
S-E-X with M-O-M either.
289
00:21:48,035 --> 00:21:50,833
But it's my J-O-B.
290
00:21:51,595 --> 00:21:53,870
- Let's go, Peg.
- Oh, Al, I'm so excited.
291
00:21:54,115 --> 00:21:55,673
- Front-row seats.
- Yeah.
292
00:21:55,915 --> 00:22:00,352
Just remember to smile big at the band
and show them your teeth.
293
00:22:05,235 --> 00:22:06,987
Honey, you think they'll really notice?
294
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,345
Oh, I hope so, Peg.1
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:19,237
Next up
on the Home Shopping Network...
2
00:01:19,477 --> 00:01:22,913
..."Boyfriends of Cher
Collector Plates."
3
00:01:26,077 --> 00:01:28,716
Who'd wanna eat off
of Gregg Allman?
4
00:01:44,397 --> 00:01:46,592
You won't believe
what they're doing at the mall.
5
00:01:46,997 --> 00:01:51,673
Putting a sign in front of the shoe store
that says, "Over two pairs sold"?
6
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:54,835
That hurts, Peg.
7
00:01:55,077 --> 00:01:59,116
Not as much as seeing you first thing
in the morning, but that still hurts.
8
00:01:59,797 --> 00:02:02,755
Anyway, they're making us
all car pool.
9
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:06,387
Damn, this cleaner, greener
Chicago program.
10
00:02:06,637 --> 00:02:09,549
Do you realize that they even want us
to conserve water?
11
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:14,313
Well, did you tell them about
how much water you save on showers?
12
00:02:14,997 --> 00:02:16,635
I did.
13
00:02:17,397 --> 00:02:20,230
You know, this conservation crap
has gone a little too far.
14
00:02:20,477 --> 00:02:24,356
What did we take this country from the
Indians for if we're not gonna use it?
15
00:02:25,357 --> 00:02:27,871
Do you know the kind of people
that are doing this, Peg?
16
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:35,869
People who won't chop
down one tree...
17
00:02:36,077 --> 00:02:39,274
...but mow their heads
are the kind of people behind this.
18
00:02:39,837 --> 00:02:44,035
Al Bundy, why would you leave
that landfill you call a car running...
19
00:02:44,277 --> 00:02:45,676
...after you come home?
20
00:02:45,917 --> 00:02:48,829
I didn't. It just takes a while to stop.
21
00:02:51,557 --> 00:02:55,106
I mean, when you cut a chicken's
head off it still runs around the room.
22
00:02:59,317 --> 00:03:01,228
There. It's off.
23
00:03:01,917 --> 00:03:05,910
Well, it's cars like yours that make
car pooling necessary...
24
00:03:06,157 --> 00:03:09,672
...which is why I'm glad my bank is one
of the cleaner, greener sponsors.
25
00:03:09,917 --> 00:03:14,433
Marcie, it is a man's God-given right
to drive alone in his car.
26
00:03:14,677 --> 00:03:16,872
A man's car is his castle.
27
00:03:17,117 --> 00:03:19,426
Well, I thought a man's home
was his castle.
28
00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:22,828
It is, if he can slay the dragon
that's living there.
29
00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:28,077
Besides, too many people
in one car spells trouble.
30
00:03:28,277 --> 00:03:30,108
What do we do
when someone cuts us off?
31
00:03:30,317 --> 00:03:32,785
Are we all supposed
to give him the finger?
32
00:03:34,037 --> 00:03:38,076
No, just whichever one of you
can get it out of his nose first.
33
00:03:38,917 --> 00:03:42,307
A man's nose is also his castle.
34
00:03:42,717 --> 00:03:46,756
In my America, a man's car
and his nose is his castle.
35
00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:49,636
Well, in my America...
36
00:03:49,877 --> 00:03:51,276
...there's one giant bus...
37
00:03:51,517 --> 00:03:55,226
...that the whole world gets on
to ride to work together.
38
00:03:55,477 --> 00:04:00,187
And on this bus I greet people
from different lands...
39
00:04:00,517 --> 00:04:03,554
...each in their own native language.
40
00:04:03,997 --> 00:04:06,113
You're talking about the city bus.
41
00:04:08,717 --> 00:04:13,507
Well, I can see this is certainly falling
on a pair of deaf and furry ears.
42
00:04:13,757 --> 00:04:17,227
Well! This car pool outrage
will not go unchallenged.
43
00:04:17,477 --> 00:04:21,311
You wanna get something cleaner
and greener? Wash my underwear!
44
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,592
Hey, wait a second,
that was a shot at me.
45
00:04:34,117 --> 00:04:37,154
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
it can be from me.
46
00:04:38,277 --> 00:04:41,030
Peg, remember the time
when a man could burn a tank of gas...
47
00:04:41,277 --> 00:04:43,472
...backing out of his own driveway?
48
00:04:43,677 --> 00:04:48,193
A man took a hooker to a steak house
and no one would even blink an eye?
49
00:04:48,837 --> 00:04:51,715
Peg, why can't we go back
to simpler times?
50
00:04:52,277 --> 00:04:54,632
Al, but look at this place.
51
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,869
Any simpler and we'd be bushmen.
52
00:04:58,837 --> 00:05:02,034
You know who I really feel for,
don't you? The kids.
53
00:05:02,237 --> 00:05:03,829
What's the point in being young...
54
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,835
...if you can't get in a big old car
with a really dumb girl?
55
00:05:08,197 --> 00:05:09,630
Dad...
56
00:05:14,637 --> 00:05:17,993
...I got straight A's
and made the dean's list.
57
00:05:18,397 --> 00:05:21,514
Son, I wish you could have been
alive back when I was.
58
00:05:21,797 --> 00:05:24,630
Of course, I probably wouldn't
have let you hang out with me...
59
00:05:25,037 --> 00:05:28,916
...back when a time when a man could
be a man and a car could be a car.
60
00:05:29,157 --> 00:05:32,069
When we had one hand on the wheel
and one hand on the girl...
61
00:05:32,317 --> 00:05:34,273
...and one hand on the stick.
62
00:05:34,997 --> 00:05:37,750
That's what I liked about the old days.
We...
63
00:05:38,277 --> 00:05:40,108
...had more hands.
64
00:05:44,437 --> 00:05:46,473
Mom, I made the dean's list.
65
00:05:46,717 --> 00:05:48,833
Oh, and I'm very proud of you.
66
00:05:49,077 --> 00:05:50,396
Now tell me, honey...
67
00:05:50,637 --> 00:05:52,992
...who is this dean?
68
00:05:53,957 --> 00:05:56,187
Is he a nice boy?
69
00:05:58,077 --> 00:05:59,829
Mom. Dad.
70
00:06:06,077 --> 00:06:10,229
I am getting a raise
at the extermination company.
71
00:06:13,357 --> 00:06:16,827
I was also voted
Employee of the Month.
72
00:06:17,037 --> 00:06:19,995
So Pest Boys will hold an awards
ceremony for me in a few weeks.
73
00:06:20,197 --> 00:06:22,267
- Oh, I gotta go tell my friends.
- Oh, honey.
74
00:06:22,517 --> 00:06:26,146
They might even put my name
on the golden fly swatter.
75
00:06:27,597 --> 00:06:32,193
Oh, Al. Our little girl is all grown-up.
76
00:06:33,357 --> 00:06:37,066
Kind of puts this dean's thing
in perspective, don't it?
77
00:06:39,277 --> 00:06:42,189
Kind of puts my genetic makeup
in perspective.
78
00:06:42,437 --> 00:06:45,315
Listen to that, Peg.
Now he's using makeup.
79
00:06:46,557 --> 00:06:50,345
First this dean thing and now this.
80
00:06:51,037 --> 00:06:54,746
Now look what you've done! You get
out of here! You've upset your mother!
81
00:06:58,917 --> 00:07:01,147
Don't answer it, Peg.
He's from the mall.
82
00:07:01,397 --> 00:07:03,957
They're coming to tell me
who I have to car pool with.
83
00:07:04,197 --> 00:07:06,870
As far as I'm concerned,
they can rot out there.
84
00:07:07,397 --> 00:07:09,353
Come in.
85
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,872
Or they can rot in here with me.
86
00:07:13,397 --> 00:07:15,035
Hi.
87
00:07:18,797 --> 00:07:20,230
Are you Al Bundy?
88
00:07:24,837 --> 00:07:27,192
Why, yes, I am.
89
00:07:29,677 --> 00:07:34,592
Oh, and that's my...
My... My housekeeper, Consuela.
90
00:07:37,677 --> 00:07:41,113
Oh, Consuela, upstairs-oh.
91
00:07:43,717 --> 00:07:45,150
I'm his wife.
92
00:07:45,397 --> 00:07:48,036
It's a marriage of convenience.
93
00:07:48,277 --> 00:07:51,349
Unfortunately not mine.
I'm deporting her.
94
00:07:51,957 --> 00:07:55,267
Can I get you a drink
or a condominium?
95
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:57,350
No, thanks, Mr. Bundy.
96
00:07:57,597 --> 00:08:00,031
My name is Naomi
and I'm with Victoria's Secret.
97
00:08:00,277 --> 00:08:02,472
Oh, I love your work.
98
00:08:03,197 --> 00:08:06,473
I know. I've seen
your face prints on the window.
99
00:08:06,797 --> 00:08:10,995
The mall sent me over here to ask you
if you would join us in our car pool.
100
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:12,995
I'm in.
101
00:08:13,837 --> 00:08:17,147
Let's go. Adios, Consuela!
102
00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:21,393
Actually, I'm not driving, but several
of our models do live in the area.
103
00:08:21,637 --> 00:08:23,309
They do?
104
00:08:23,917 --> 00:08:25,987
Oh, Consuela...
105
00:08:27,837 --> 00:08:31,386
...we live model adjacent.
106
00:08:32,437 --> 00:08:34,393
Blot your chin...
107
00:08:34,677 --> 00:08:36,668
...and your pants.
108
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:40,954
So when do my models
come to get me?
109
00:08:41,197 --> 00:08:44,269
- Seven a.m.
- Good, I don't have to be there till 10...
110
00:08:44,477 --> 00:08:50,746
...which gives me a lot of time for
coffee, cartwheels and a cold shower.
111
00:08:51,357 --> 00:08:54,429
He's just kidding about the shower.
112
00:08:54,717 --> 00:08:56,833
- Here are your models' names.
- Why, thank you.
113
00:08:57,077 --> 00:08:59,352
- Bye.
- Bye.
114
00:09:07,357 --> 00:09:11,145
Alexis, Monique and Paulina.
115
00:09:11,757 --> 00:09:13,429
Oh, my.
116
00:09:14,517 --> 00:09:17,156
Alexis, Monique and Paulina.
Oh, my.
117
00:09:17,397 --> 00:09:20,309
Alexis, Monique and Paulina.
Oh, my.
118
00:09:32,077 --> 00:09:37,231
Alexis, Monique and Paulina.
Oh, my.
119
00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:43,951
So they tell me you girls are models
for Victoria's Secret.
120
00:09:44,197 --> 00:09:45,425
Oh, we are.
121
00:09:45,677 --> 00:09:48,669
We're Victoria's big secret.
122
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:54,235
Well, Victoria couldn't keep
a secret this big.
123
00:09:55,917 --> 00:09:58,477
It's a new line of lingerie
for the full-figured woman...
124
00:09:58,677 --> 00:10:02,590
...because you know what they say.
"You're never too big to be sexy."
125
00:10:03,117 --> 00:10:05,677
Oh, and do you know who says that?
126
00:10:06,877 --> 00:10:08,674
Fat girls.
127
00:10:11,317 --> 00:10:16,152
So do you always go to work wearing
a suit and smelling of High Karate?
128
00:10:16,797 --> 00:10:21,075
No. Do you always go to work wearing
curtains and smelling of Mars Bars?
129
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,076
Sounds to me like you're full
of self-hate, Mr. Bundy.
130
00:10:27,477 --> 00:10:30,071
Well, at least I'm full.
131
00:10:31,157 --> 00:10:35,708
Would you mind turning on the radio,
I feel a crying jag coming on.
132
00:10:36,077 --> 00:10:38,272
Say please.
133
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,111
There's a Chunky in it for you.
134
00:10:47,477 --> 00:10:49,308
Oh, I love this song.
135
00:10:49,557 --> 00:10:51,991
It reminds me of that summer
in Hawaii with Tony.
136
00:10:52,237 --> 00:10:53,750
God, what a lover.
137
00:10:54,117 --> 00:10:57,234
Oh, man, he could do it
all night long.
138
00:10:57,997 --> 00:11:00,591
Did I ever tell you about that time
me and Johnny Klog...
139
00:11:00,837 --> 00:11:02,873
...joined the mile-high club?
140
00:11:03,117 --> 00:11:06,712
I was wearing this frilly little skirt
and not much underneath.
141
00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:09,391
- Well...
- Pull over!
142
00:11:13,557 --> 00:11:17,266
- What?
- Pull over, I've gotta heave.
143
00:11:20,237 --> 00:11:22,876
Shut up, or I'll pound you like
a scaloppini.
144
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:25,312
We're almost there.
145
00:11:27,637 --> 00:11:29,548
The police. What did we do?
146
00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:33,073
Well, I don't know.
Maybe we missed the truck scale.
147
00:11:40,357 --> 00:11:41,790
But on the positive side...
148
00:11:42,037 --> 00:11:45,825
...maybe they'll get me out of here
before I turn into a diamond.
149
00:11:47,197 --> 00:11:50,269
- What seems to be the problem?
- Hi, I'm Alderman Johnson.
150
00:11:50,517 --> 00:11:54,351
- Would you four be car pooling?
- No, I'm their lunch.
151
00:11:55,797 --> 00:11:58,311
- What's up?
- Well, we were following you...
152
00:11:58,557 --> 00:12:01,515
...and laughing and pointing.
153
00:12:01,757 --> 00:12:04,225
And as it turns out,
despite our best efforts...
154
00:12:04,477 --> 00:12:08,186
...you're the only people car pooling
in all of Chicago.
155
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:11,952
We're also the only people eating
snickerdoodles by the gallon.
156
00:12:12,437 --> 00:12:15,509
Well, we'd like you and your friends
to represent the city...
157
00:12:15,757 --> 00:12:19,227
...in its new media campaign,
"Everybody into the car pool."
158
00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:22,150
Forget it. You got the wrong guy.
159
00:12:22,357 --> 00:12:25,827
Well, that's too bad, because your
first promotional appearance...
160
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:29,712
...would have been courtside
at the Chicago Bulls playoff game.
161
00:12:34,637 --> 00:12:38,152
Say cheesecake.
162
00:12:42,717 --> 00:12:44,867
Oh, here comes your daddy.
163
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,268
Hi, I'm Al Bundy...
164
00:12:52,517 --> 00:12:55,111
...but many of you know me as...
165
00:12:55,677 --> 00:12:57,508
...AI Bundy.
166
00:12:57,997 --> 00:13:01,273
There was a time I scored four
touchdowns in one game on this field...
167
00:13:01,477 --> 00:13:03,354
...but now I can't run four feet...
168
00:13:03,597 --> 00:13:06,065
...without being tackled
by someone else's garbage.
169
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,871
Be a part of my team.
170
00:13:13,077 --> 00:13:17,434
Two, four, six, eight
Pick up litter, clean your plate
171
00:13:17,677 --> 00:13:21,716
Yay, Keep Chicago Clean!
172
00:13:27,837 --> 00:13:30,431
Score a touchdown for mother earth.
173
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:33,987
Let's help keep Chicago
green and clean.
174
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,145
Please.
175
00:13:43,597 --> 00:13:45,633
What a load.
176
00:13:46,917 --> 00:13:49,989
Mom, isn't Dad being just
a tad hypocritical?
177
00:13:50,237 --> 00:13:54,276
That was the first time I've seen him
walk the field without taking a whiz.
178
00:13:54,837 --> 00:13:57,271
Since he's been on billboards
and the side of buses...
179
00:13:57,517 --> 00:14:00,236
...he has been an insufferable pig.
180
00:14:00,717 --> 00:14:02,833
Whoa, that was a big word.
181
00:14:04,957 --> 00:14:08,916
There are no big words,
just little heads.
182
00:14:10,437 --> 00:14:13,986
Now, kids, maybe we should give
your father the benefit of the doubt.
183
00:14:14,237 --> 00:14:15,556
Maybe he's learned something.
184
00:14:15,797 --> 00:14:18,550
Maybe he really does care
about the environment.
185
00:14:18,797 --> 00:14:22,710
I'm in the money
I'm in the money
186
00:14:32,757 --> 00:14:36,067
Did I tell you about the cutest thing
Paulina did at the mayor's office?
187
00:14:36,317 --> 00:14:39,787
We don't wanna hear
about your fat friends.
188
00:14:40,557 --> 00:14:41,831
They're not fat.
189
00:14:42,077 --> 00:14:45,035
They just eat way, way too much.
190
00:14:45,957 --> 00:14:50,030
I don't get it. Everyone in this town
loves what I'm doing but you guys.
191
00:14:50,517 --> 00:14:52,553
You swine.
192
00:14:53,277 --> 00:14:55,552
And our next-door McNugget.
193
00:14:58,917 --> 00:15:00,430
Do you realize...
194
00:15:00,677 --> 00:15:04,955
...that you have cost me
my job at the bank again?
195
00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:08,792
They have demoted me
to drive-up teller again!
196
00:15:09,037 --> 00:15:10,516
What happened?
197
00:15:10,797 --> 00:15:12,833
Al called the bank president
and asked:
198
00:15:13,077 --> 00:15:15,432
"How can you say
you're environmentally correct...
199
00:15:15,677 --> 00:15:19,750
...and yet have an employee who would
disconnect her car's smog device?"
200
00:15:19,997 --> 00:15:23,592
I'll have you know that
I religiously get my car tuned up...
201
00:15:23,837 --> 00:15:26,351
...and I will expose you
for the liar that you are!
202
00:15:26,597 --> 00:15:29,157
I will prove myself innocent
of these false allegations!
203
00:15:29,397 --> 00:15:31,115
My car is no gas-guzzler!
204
00:15:31,357 --> 00:15:33,587
- It is clean as a wh...
- Marcie...
205
00:15:35,077 --> 00:15:37,432
...I disconnected your smog device.
206
00:15:41,957 --> 00:15:43,515
Did you?
207
00:15:45,637 --> 00:15:49,107
If I maybe so patient as to ask why?
208
00:15:49,477 --> 00:15:51,274
I'm a guy.
209
00:15:53,637 --> 00:15:56,788
Well, just come with me...
210
00:15:57,037 --> 00:15:59,870
...and we can disconnect that too.
211
00:16:02,117 --> 00:16:06,269
Al, I told you that in the strictest
confidence. What're you doing?
212
00:16:06,797 --> 00:16:08,310
Blabbing.
213
00:16:11,077 --> 00:16:12,749
The smog device
can be put back on...
214
00:16:12,997 --> 00:16:15,306
...if you just give me your credit card.
Please!
215
00:16:15,957 --> 00:16:17,709
Man, I love this gig.
216
00:16:17,957 --> 00:16:20,232
I never realized
how much power I've got.
217
00:16:20,557 --> 00:16:23,390
But, Dad, if you don't
really believe in this ecology stuff...
218
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:27,789
...then doesn't that make you
a lying bag of sleaze?
219
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:33,066
Yes, son, but a rich
lying bag of sleaze.
220
00:16:34,677 --> 00:16:38,955
You see, we celebrities don't really
believe the stuff we're paid to say.
221
00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:41,267
- Well, then why do you do it?
- To make money.
222
00:16:41,517 --> 00:16:42,745
And get out of the house.
223
00:16:42,997 --> 00:16:46,353
That is the American dream,
and by God I'm living it!
224
00:16:46,597 --> 00:16:49,350
I'm so happy, I could almost cry.
225
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:53,306
In fact, I am crying.
226
00:16:58,237 --> 00:17:00,387
My friends and I
are doing the right thing.
227
00:17:00,637 --> 00:17:01,956
Why?
228
00:17:02,197 --> 00:17:04,392
Because we're car pooling.
229
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:10,508
- Good morning, ladies.
- Morning, Al.
230
00:17:10,757 --> 00:17:12,952
When I'm off to work,
I'm not selfish...
231
00:17:13,197 --> 00:17:16,712
...because I drive to work with my...
232
00:17:17,477 --> 00:17:19,229
My friends.
233
00:17:19,917 --> 00:17:24,627
- How about some doughnut holes, Al?
- Thank you, Monique.
234
00:17:25,237 --> 00:17:26,670
That's enough.
235
00:17:27,037 --> 00:17:31,076
As you can see, when you have
a lot riding on your tires...
236
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:34,832
...you help not only the environment,
but you mak e friends.
237
00:17:35,477 --> 00:17:38,674
And after a leisurely breakfast
of doughnut holes and sorghum...
238
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:41,715
...you can sit back
and enjoy the ride.
239
00:17:46,197 --> 00:17:48,392
Mother Nature says, "Hey."
240
00:17:49,397 --> 00:17:52,275
Father Time says, "Yikes."
241
00:17:52,517 --> 00:17:56,590
Don't worry, you'll have your moment
when they start couch pooling.
242
00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:00,237
The girls are coming
to discuss next week's itinerary.
243
00:18:00,477 --> 00:18:03,116
Remember, no fat jokes.
244
00:18:03,357 --> 00:18:05,587
But they're fat.
245
00:18:06,437 --> 00:18:09,986
They're not fat.
They just have cream filling.
246
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:12,676
Come in, ladies.
247
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:14,873
Hi.
248
00:18:15,117 --> 00:18:17,631
- Got any munchies?
- Right over there.
249
00:18:17,877 --> 00:18:19,788
Come on in, everybody.
250
00:18:20,037 --> 00:18:22,267
I'll get some milk.
251
00:18:24,557 --> 00:18:25,990
Here.
252
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,869
Al, wait'll you hear this.
253
00:18:32,117 --> 00:18:35,826
We've been invited to Los Angeles.
We're gonna be on Vicki.
254
00:18:36,077 --> 00:18:39,911
And do guest voices
on Captain Planet.
255
00:18:41,357 --> 00:18:43,552
I haven't been this happy since...
256
00:18:43,797 --> 00:18:46,675
You installed seats
in your refrigerator?
257
00:18:52,517 --> 00:18:55,554
Allow me to introduce my family.
This is my wife, Peggy...
258
00:18:55,797 --> 00:18:58,630
...this is my son, Shecky.
259
00:18:58,877 --> 00:19:01,345
Oh, Al, we're going to L.A.
260
00:19:01,597 --> 00:19:03,394
Just think of the things to see.
261
00:19:03,637 --> 00:19:06,435
Wendy's. Winchell's.
Der Weinerschnitzel.
262
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,826
It's so exciting!
263
00:19:15,437 --> 00:19:17,075
Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.
264
00:19:17,317 --> 00:19:20,548
You and your gals have practically
put Chicago on the map.
265
00:19:20,797 --> 00:19:23,994
Hey, Chicago
was already on the map.
266
00:19:25,037 --> 00:19:26,993
- Do you vote?
- No.
267
00:19:27,237 --> 00:19:28,590
Then I wasn't talking to you.
268
00:19:32,677 --> 00:19:34,793
Now, before you go to L. A...
269
00:19:35,037 --> 00:19:37,312
...we'd like you to kick off
our new campaign...
270
00:19:37,557 --> 00:19:40,913
...by making a speech in front
of the most toxic plant in Chicago.
271
00:19:41,157 --> 00:19:44,991
We want you to tell the world
that our program is going nationwide...
272
00:19:45,237 --> 00:19:48,149
...that polluters like this
may soon no longer exist.
273
00:19:48,357 --> 00:19:49,585
What do you say?
274
00:19:49,837 --> 00:19:52,067
- Will there be shrimp?
- There will.
275
00:19:52,597 --> 00:19:54,428
We're there!
276
00:20:00,917 --> 00:20:02,430
Daddy.
277
00:20:02,677 --> 00:20:04,793
In here, pumpkin.
278
00:20:05,277 --> 00:20:09,065
Tomorrow I'm giving a speech and with
you getting employee of the month...
279
00:20:09,317 --> 00:20:13,595
...and Bud on the queen's list...
- That's dean's list.
280
00:20:15,597 --> 00:20:18,111
Yeah, like there's a difference.
281
00:20:18,437 --> 00:20:20,712
It's gonna be a banner day
for the Bundys.
282
00:20:21,317 --> 00:20:24,275
Well, that's just it, Dad.
I may not be employee of the month.
283
00:20:24,517 --> 00:20:27,395
See, tomorrow
a certain environmental group...
284
00:20:27,637 --> 00:20:30,105
...will speak
in front of the extermination company.
285
00:20:30,357 --> 00:20:32,632
And when they find out that
a certain spokesman...
286
00:20:32,877 --> 00:20:36,995
...is related to a certain verminator,
I'm gonna lose my job.
287
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:40,866
Oh, no. I'm speaking
at a horrible toxic-waste plant.
288
00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:43,307
What the hell do you think we are?
289
00:20:43,557 --> 00:20:46,230
I mean, until last week
that's how we advertised.
290
00:20:46,477 --> 00:20:48,786
- But, pumpkin.
- Pumpkin?
291
00:20:49,037 --> 00:20:51,187
Pie? Where?
292
00:20:57,717 --> 00:21:00,754
Al, you know what you have to do.
293
00:21:14,397 --> 00:21:17,195
You are the greatest daddy
in the whole world.
294
00:21:17,437 --> 00:21:20,349
You gave up all your dreams for me.
Why?
295
00:21:20,597 --> 00:21:24,146
- Well, I l...
- Love me?
296
00:21:24,397 --> 00:21:27,673
No, pumpkin,
I was gonna say I lost my mind.
297
00:21:28,557 --> 00:21:30,991
So I don't get my 15 minutes of fame.
298
00:21:31,237 --> 00:21:34,070
That just means
Pauly Shore gets a half-hour.
299
00:21:34,557 --> 00:21:38,027
- He is funny, isn't he?
- No.
300
00:21:38,677 --> 00:21:42,465
But, pumpkin, my job as a parent
is not to be famous...
301
00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:44,235
...but to do the best that I can...
302
00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:47,588
...so that my children
can have the things I never did.
303
00:21:47,837 --> 00:21:49,793
The world I leave behind.
304
00:21:50,037 --> 00:21:53,154
That is my legacy to you.
305
00:22:09,477 --> 00:22:11,388
You first, sweetheart.1
00:01:16,331 --> 00:01:18,003
- Great sandwich, Mom.
- Oh, yeah.
2
00:01:18,251 --> 00:01:20,401
We should all be grateful
to late Aunt Stumpy...
3
00:01:20,611 --> 00:01:23,284
...for leaving us her refrigerator
full of food.
4
00:01:24,491 --> 00:01:26,721
Well, she didn't exactly
leave it to us. I mean...
5
00:01:26,931 --> 00:01:30,321
...we took it off the back porch
while everyone else was at the funeral.
6
00:01:31,971 --> 00:01:33,723
Shouldn't we tell Dad
about the fridge?
7
00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:35,962
Oh, no. I'm sure he made out fine.
8
00:01:36,211 --> 00:01:39,760
It was an open casket.
He probably got the watch.
9
00:01:41,411 --> 00:01:45,563
Well, refrigerator's hidden in the
garage. Dad will never know it's there.
10
00:01:45,811 --> 00:01:49,406
It's concealed so well, even
a clever man wouldn't be able to find it.
11
00:01:58,891 --> 00:02:01,963
I hate those complaint boxes
they put in at the mall.
12
00:02:02,211 --> 00:02:03,610
A woman comes in the store...
13
00:02:03,851 --> 00:02:06,923
...so huge she's protected
by Greenpeace...
14
00:02:07,491 --> 00:02:10,085
...and asked for a size-four shoe.
15
00:02:14,131 --> 00:02:18,409
So I ask her if she wants to eat
them there or take them home.
16
00:02:18,651 --> 00:02:22,326
And she has the nerve to complain
about my performance.
17
00:02:22,571 --> 00:02:26,405
Honey, I complain about
your performance all the time...
18
00:02:26,651 --> 00:02:28,243
...and you don't care.
19
00:02:28,491 --> 00:02:31,130
Sometimes, you don't even wake up.
20
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:35,967
Unlike sex with you,
this is important to me.
21
00:02:37,651 --> 00:02:41,724
The mall manager is threatening to take
away the only joy I have at work.
22
00:02:42,051 --> 00:02:44,167
They're shutting off the plumbing?
23
00:02:46,211 --> 00:02:49,840
The other joy. They're threatening
to take away my parking space.
24
00:02:50,051 --> 00:02:53,760
The one that's closer than the others,
because I've been there the longest.
25
00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:58,044
Oh, so you'll have to walk
an extra half mile. It won't kill you.
26
00:02:58,531 --> 00:03:00,681
Oh, no, Peg, it won't kill me.
27
00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,080
That's your job.
28
00:03:03,931 --> 00:03:06,365
But I earned that parking spot.
It's mine.
29
00:03:06,651 --> 00:03:08,881
I started at the end of the lot
by the street...
30
00:03:09,091 --> 00:03:11,286
...where it helps to speak Spanish...
31
00:03:11,531 --> 00:03:15,524
...and 10 years later,
or should I say diez aos...
32
00:03:16,331 --> 00:03:18,606
...they finally put my name
on the best spot.
33
00:03:18,851 --> 00:03:21,001
"Al Budny."
34
00:03:21,771 --> 00:03:24,524
I was so happy.
But now if I insult one more woman...
35
00:03:24,731 --> 00:03:27,199
...before the end of the month
they'll take my spot.
36
00:03:27,451 --> 00:03:30,602
Maybe you should just call in sick
for the next 27 days.
37
00:03:30,851 --> 00:03:33,411
Oh, no, no, no. We can't afford that.
38
00:03:33,651 --> 00:03:34,970
Then they'd dock his pay...
39
00:03:35,211 --> 00:03:38,044
...and we'd be out hundreds
and hundreds of loose change.
40
00:03:38,291 --> 00:03:39,610
Loose change.
41
00:03:39,851 --> 00:03:43,161
Well, all I know is I am not giving up
my parking space without a fight.
42
00:03:43,411 --> 00:03:45,686
Anyone can go three weeks
not insulting a woman.
43
00:03:45,931 --> 00:03:47,523
Betcha $5 you can't.
44
00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:51,844
I will take that bet,
you bonbon-binging bozo!
45
00:03:59,491 --> 00:04:03,200
Mr. Bundy, since you lose your parking
spot if you get one more complaint...
46
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:06,727
...maybe I should take care of some
of our women customers today.
47
00:04:06,971 --> 00:04:08,484
It's not necessary, Aaron.
48
00:04:08,731 --> 00:04:11,325
I've decided to be nice to women
for the next three weeks.
49
00:04:11,571 --> 00:04:13,482
And no one on God's foul earth...
50
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:16,484
...will come between me
and my slab of tar.
51
00:04:22,091 --> 00:04:24,480
Don't you have anything else to do?
52
00:04:26,571 --> 00:04:29,039
- All right.
- Hi, Al.
53
00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:32,727
Peggy told me about
your little complaint problem.
54
00:04:32,971 --> 00:04:36,327
- No problem. I'm still under my quota.
- Oh, well, that's very good.
55
00:04:36,851 --> 00:04:40,446
Of course,
I don't see any customers here yet.
56
00:04:40,851 --> 00:04:42,079
Nope.
57
00:04:42,291 --> 00:04:45,408
No one here but us chickens.
58
00:04:50,411 --> 00:04:54,040
Actually, I was just on my way
back from the supermarket.
59
00:04:54,291 --> 00:04:57,089
It seems I was all out of eggs.
60
00:05:04,051 --> 00:05:05,962
Some of the girls will stop by later...
61
00:05:06,211 --> 00:05:08,771
...for what I guess
you could call a hen party.
62
00:05:12,411 --> 00:05:16,245
Oh, come on, Al. You know
you can't keep this up all month.
63
00:05:16,491 --> 00:05:19,881
Eventually, some poor,
calorically challenged woman...
64
00:05:20,131 --> 00:05:23,521
...is gonna come through those doors
and you're gonna insult her...
65
00:05:23,771 --> 00:05:25,762
...because you don't know
the first thing...
66
00:05:25,971 --> 00:05:28,531
...about politically correct behaviour.
67
00:05:29,251 --> 00:05:32,482
What does that have to do
with obnoxious fat women?
68
00:05:34,291 --> 00:05:37,761
Today's obese woman simply feels
that it's her right to be heavy...
69
00:05:38,011 --> 00:05:39,729
...and does not want to be insulted.
70
00:05:40,171 --> 00:05:44,005
So when some moo-cow
thunders in here...
71
00:05:44,251 --> 00:05:46,560
...with a pie under each chin...
72
00:05:47,171 --> 00:05:50,481
...I shouldn't ask if that's the
Star-Spangled Banner she's belching...
73
00:05:50,731 --> 00:05:53,120
...so I know whether to sit or stand?
74
00:05:54,251 --> 00:05:56,082
All I'm saying...
75
00:05:56,331 --> 00:05:59,004
Oh, ye of little deodorant.
76
00:05:59,571 --> 00:06:02,768
- is that you must learn
to treat all people the same.
77
00:06:03,291 --> 00:06:05,327
- Everyone?
- Everyone.
78
00:06:05,571 --> 00:06:07,527
Even midgets?
79
00:06:08,651 --> 00:06:11,211
Everyone, you wienerhead.
80
00:06:11,451 --> 00:06:16,320
Now, I would really love to stay and
see you go down for the third time...
81
00:06:16,571 --> 00:06:18,209
...but I have to get home.
82
00:06:18,451 --> 00:06:21,523
I promised Jefferson...
83
00:06:23,131 --> 00:06:25,929
...l'd cook him a fryer for a dinner.
84
00:06:30,251 --> 00:06:33,641
I so wanted it to be me.
85
00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:36,049
- That was close.
- Yeah.
86
00:06:36,291 --> 00:06:38,521
Oh, no, I'll take care of this one.
87
00:06:38,771 --> 00:06:42,969
Go in the back room and do whatever it
is you do back there for hours on end.
88
00:06:43,211 --> 00:06:46,920
- It's called inventory.
- You call it whatever you want to.
89
00:06:49,251 --> 00:06:52,209
Excuse me, madam.
How may I serve you?
90
00:06:52,451 --> 00:06:55,045
- Do have this in an eight AA?
- Well, let me check.
91
00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:58,442
Oh, well, you'll have to hurry.
I don't have much time.
92
00:07:22,211 --> 00:07:24,361
Excuse me, Miss.
93
00:07:25,171 --> 00:07:27,639
Are you sitting on someone?
94
00:07:28,571 --> 00:07:31,847
- What?
- Oh, oh, no, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
95
00:07:32,171 --> 00:07:33,843
How may I serve you?
96
00:07:34,411 --> 00:07:37,642
How do you think
this would look on me?
97
00:07:38,011 --> 00:07:40,889
I wear a size four.
98
00:07:49,131 --> 00:07:53,283
I have tiny toes, don't you think?
99
00:07:55,411 --> 00:07:57,845
Oh, yes indeed.
100
00:07:59,571 --> 00:08:01,163
For sausages.
101
00:08:01,411 --> 00:08:05,643
Sausages. Sausages.
Sausages. Sausages.
102
00:08:08,931 --> 00:08:11,604
Now, before we get
to the main topic of tonight's meeting...
103
00:08:13,091 --> 00:08:16,845
...which is why can't a man speak his
mind without losing his parking space?
104
00:08:17,091 --> 00:08:18,444
Yeah. That's right.
105
00:08:18,691 --> 00:08:21,410
We'll hear the minutes
of our last meeting.
106
00:08:21,651 --> 00:08:23,926
- Jefferson.
- Thank you.
107
00:08:24,611 --> 00:08:26,602
The meeting was called
to order at 8:00.
108
00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:31,606
We discussed the pros and cons
of the single urinal versus the trough.
109
00:08:33,571 --> 00:08:36,005
At 8: 15 we voted on
whether or not we'd rather do...
110
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:39,009
...Ann-Margret or Alan Arkin.
111
00:08:42,051 --> 00:08:44,406
That should be Ellen Barkin.
112
00:08:47,411 --> 00:08:50,244
Damn. Dad's in the garage
with a bunch of his friends.
113
00:08:50,451 --> 00:08:52,521
How are we supposed to get
to our refrigerator?
114
00:08:53,171 --> 00:08:55,162
- Are they all men?
- Yeah.
115
00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:57,003
No problem.
116
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,481
There are several
genetic flaws in all men...
117
00:09:02,731 --> 00:09:06,087
...that can be acted on
for reasons of distraction.
118
00:09:06,411 --> 00:09:09,369
I shall demonstrate
the strangest one.
119
00:09:12,971 --> 00:09:15,883
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you guys were in here.
120
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,410
Oh, look.
121
00:09:18,651 --> 00:09:20,323
A football.
122
00:09:39,571 --> 00:09:43,041
Oh, well, come on. We have
important business to discuss.
123
00:09:44,691 --> 00:09:46,010
Now...
124
00:09:48,451 --> 00:09:50,521
Now, as you know...
125
00:09:50,771 --> 00:09:55,003
...I lost my beloved parking space
just because I chose to speak my mind.
126
00:09:55,251 --> 00:09:56,366
- Yeah.
- That's wrong.
127
00:09:56,611 --> 00:09:59,921
Why today, you're supposed to write
to the Organization of Bald People...
128
00:10:00,131 --> 00:10:02,087
...to ask if we can call them
chrome-domes.
129
00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:04,003
- Yeah.
- They're bald.
130
00:10:04,251 --> 00:10:06,765
Then you're supposed to fax
the Fatso Society...
131
00:10:07,011 --> 00:10:10,128
...and ask permission
to assign zip codes to each thigh.
132
00:10:10,331 --> 00:10:11,480
Ridiculous.
133
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:13,285
Excuse me.
134
00:10:13,531 --> 00:10:17,240
Dad, I just thought you guys might
wanna see this paper airplane I made.
135
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:20,403
Son, we've all seen
a paper airplane before.
136
00:10:20,651 --> 00:10:22,960
Made out of Miss January?
137
00:10:33,011 --> 00:10:35,809
Hey! Hey! Hey, Roger.
138
00:10:36,051 --> 00:10:37,689
This looks like your wife.
139
00:10:37,931 --> 00:10:40,604
- You think so?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
140
00:10:41,131 --> 00:10:45,761
No, I was looking at this picture
of Dick Butkus on the back.
141
00:10:49,211 --> 00:10:51,645
Come on, guys,
we're in a meeting here.
142
00:10:51,891 --> 00:10:55,042
He's right. We've got work to do.
143
00:10:55,411 --> 00:10:56,764
Now...
144
00:10:59,891 --> 00:11:01,927
What we need to do...
145
00:11:02,171 --> 00:11:04,605
...is to find someone
who can tell us...
146
00:11:04,851 --> 00:11:07,081
...how to fight this insanity.
- That's right.
147
00:11:07,331 --> 00:11:09,003
- We need a man's man.
- Right.
148
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,367
Someone who's always called
his own shots.
149
00:11:11,611 --> 00:11:13,841
A leader to lead us through the '90s.
150
00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:16,127
A man among men.
151
00:11:18,251 --> 00:11:20,845
Ironhead Haynes!
152
00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:22,763
Who's Ironhead Haynes?
153
00:11:23,011 --> 00:11:25,844
The gruffest, toughest man
to ever graduate from Polk High.
154
00:11:26,091 --> 00:11:29,163
He had a beard in the seventh grade.
155
00:11:29,851 --> 00:11:31,648
And a wife.
156
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:35,961
Took out his own appendix
with a Pocket Fisherman.
157
00:11:36,531 --> 00:11:38,999
He'd have been a great
football player for Polk High...
158
00:11:39,251 --> 00:11:42,243
...but he refused
to take off his spurs.
159
00:11:42,811 --> 00:11:44,767
He wore boots to play football?
160
00:11:45,011 --> 00:11:48,083
No boots, just spurs.
161
00:11:48,931 --> 00:11:53,447
Well, you know, they can't all be
football stars like we were.
162
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:57,004
Or cheerleaders, like I was.
163
00:11:59,891 --> 00:12:03,281
Hey, I did some
very dangerous flips.
164
00:12:06,451 --> 00:12:07,770
And I...
165
00:12:08,011 --> 00:12:10,445
I helped fire the cannon
after each touchdown.
166
00:12:10,691 --> 00:12:12,443
- Yeah?
- Was that you?
167
00:12:14,731 --> 00:12:17,484
Well, where can we find
this Ironhead Haynes?
168
00:12:17,731 --> 00:12:19,642
Rumour has it he lives alone...
169
00:12:19,891 --> 00:12:23,566
...on top of the highest mountain
in Illinois.
170
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,644
Well, then we'll go tomorrow...
171
00:12:25,891 --> 00:12:28,200
...and seek his guidance.
- Good idea.
172
00:12:28,451 --> 00:12:34,083
Al, I need someone to move the
clothes dryer away from the wall!
173
00:12:34,331 --> 00:12:37,801
- Coming, dear.
- Okay, we're out of here.
174
00:12:45,011 --> 00:12:46,524
Hey, wait a second.
175
00:12:46,771 --> 00:12:49,604
We don't have any clothes dryer!
176
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:53,287
Did I say clothes dryer?
177
00:12:53,531 --> 00:12:57,001
I meant, "Take out the trash."
178
00:13:07,851 --> 00:13:09,489
Hey, wait.
179
00:13:09,731 --> 00:13:13,804
Look, how do we know that Ironhead
Haynes is even up there?
180
00:13:14,051 --> 00:13:16,565
Yeah. This legend
could just be made-up.
181
00:13:16,771 --> 00:13:17,999
That's true, Al.
182
00:13:18,211 --> 00:13:21,283
He could be as phoney
as your wife's hair colour.
183
00:13:22,611 --> 00:13:25,125
Or as real as your wife's
hair colour, Roger.
184
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:28,283
I know it's real because
it matches her moustache!
185
00:13:28,971 --> 00:13:31,849
Okay, okay, come on, come on!
186
00:13:35,131 --> 00:13:36,689
Look, guys...
187
00:13:36,931 --> 00:13:38,762
...are we going on or not?
188
00:13:39,011 --> 00:13:43,084
Of course we're going on. Name me
one good reason why we shouldn't.
189
00:13:46,171 --> 00:13:49,243
- Well, I'm going on!
- Yeah, well, I'm...
190
00:13:49,491 --> 00:13:51,209
Staying here.
191
00:13:51,451 --> 00:13:55,763
- We'll see you when you get back.
- Yeah, have a nice trip.
192
00:13:56,011 --> 00:13:57,569
Thank you...
193
00:13:57,811 --> 00:14:00,166
...candy-asses.
194
00:14:06,171 --> 00:14:10,289
Oh, well, I don't know about you guys,
but I'm no candy-ass.
195
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:14,806
Well, think we'll ever see him again?
196
00:14:15,131 --> 00:14:16,530
It's hard to say.
197
00:14:16,771 --> 00:14:18,762
This mountain has killed before.
198
00:14:19,011 --> 00:14:20,524
It could kill again.
199
00:14:22,931 --> 00:14:24,683
- Trail mix, anyone?
- Yeah.
200
00:14:25,251 --> 00:14:26,843
Raisins are mine.
201
00:14:43,171 --> 00:14:47,881
- Well, you must be Ironhead Haynes.
- Yep. And you must be some idiot...
202
00:14:48,091 --> 00:14:51,720
...that don't know there's a road
on the other side of this mountain.
203
00:14:55,971 --> 00:14:57,768
Al Bundy. Polk High.
204
00:14:58,011 --> 00:14:59,285
And I brought you some gifts.
205
00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:02,967
Me and my buddies wanted to give
you a token of our esteem.
206
00:15:03,211 --> 00:15:05,600
In here I got some Beer Nuts...
207
00:15:05,851 --> 00:15:08,319
...and there's a tire gauge.
208
00:15:08,571 --> 00:15:13,087
And here's the football that I scored
my first touchdown with at Polk High.
209
00:15:13,331 --> 00:15:15,640
So go on, go out.
210
00:15:16,011 --> 00:15:17,285
Ready?
211
00:15:21,091 --> 00:15:24,845
- Not my game.
- Well, then...
212
00:15:25,211 --> 00:15:26,724
...the Beer Nuts can be from me.
213
00:15:26,971 --> 00:15:29,929
Oh, and here's something here...
214
00:15:30,171 --> 00:15:32,401
...Jefferson didn't know
what to get you so...
215
00:15:32,651 --> 00:15:35,609
...he got you a silk shirt, you know.
216
00:15:36,651 --> 00:15:39,211
I've never had one of these before.
217
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:46,842
It's not bad.
218
00:15:47,651 --> 00:15:49,323
Now, what can I do for you?
219
00:15:49,571 --> 00:15:51,163
Well, Ironhead...
220
00:15:51,411 --> 00:15:55,689
...things have gotten pretty rough
for us freethinkers back in civilization.
221
00:15:55,931 --> 00:15:58,684
Old people getting mad at you
if you call them old.
222
00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:02,287
Foreign people getting mad at you
if you tell them to go home.
223
00:16:02,611 --> 00:16:06,490
You'd be surprised. The slightest
thing will set a gimp off these days.
224
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:09,086
I suppose that's why
you moved up here, isn't it?
225
00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:13,685
No, I moved up here to get in touch
with my feminine side.
226
00:16:16,211 --> 00:16:18,930
I'm kidding. I'm just teasing.
227
00:16:19,171 --> 00:16:21,890
Well, unfortunately,
many can't move to a mountain...
228
00:16:22,091 --> 00:16:25,049
...because they're married to one.
229
00:16:25,291 --> 00:16:30,604
But we need your wisdom to help guide
up through our daily hell.
230
00:16:30,851 --> 00:16:33,160
Tell us what you believe.
231
00:16:33,411 --> 00:16:37,404
Well, I believe that when you gotta spit,
you gotta spit.
232
00:16:37,651 --> 00:16:39,369
And right now I gotta spit.
233
00:16:39,611 --> 00:16:41,249
Oh, this is good stuff.
234
00:16:50,411 --> 00:16:53,130
And I believe that everybody's
that got more money...
235
00:16:53,371 --> 00:16:56,647
...than they can hold in both hands
ought to give it all to me.
236
00:16:57,691 --> 00:17:03,163
I believe that all animals were put
on this earth to make faces at me.
237
00:17:04,411 --> 00:17:08,962
I really believe that that damn doctor
didn't have to put this plate in my head.
238
00:17:09,531 --> 00:17:11,362
Well...
239
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,961
...doctor knows best.
240
00:17:15,211 --> 00:17:18,840
But tell us, what can we do
to fight back?
241
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,926
Well, I don't know,
maybe this song will say it the best.
242
00:17:28,011 --> 00:17:29,922
Nothing
243
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,205
That...
244
00:17:38,651 --> 00:17:41,609
That's it? That's the message?
245
00:17:41,851 --> 00:17:45,446
That's it. You know,
men like us are dinosaurs.
246
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,728
Real, live, dead dinosaurs.
247
00:17:48,971 --> 00:17:52,850
Listen, I got buddies down here waiting
for you to give us a plan of action.
248
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,362
My football.
249
00:17:56,811 --> 00:17:58,483
I can't just tell them it's all over.
250
00:17:58,691 --> 00:18:00,443
That life as we know it is gone.
251
00:18:00,691 --> 00:18:02,249
And we'll never be like this again.
252
00:18:02,491 --> 00:18:05,688
Well, if it isn't Mr. Sunshine.
253
00:18:06,291 --> 00:18:09,886
The only problem with being a dinosaur
is there ain't no future in it.
254
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,725
But there is one hell of a past.
255
00:18:12,971 --> 00:18:16,486
Now, what you need to do this act
like the mighty tyrannosaurus...
256
00:18:16,731 --> 00:18:18,528
...and leave deep prints.
257
00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:22,282
Leave deep prints.
258
00:18:22,931 --> 00:18:26,048
That's it. Let them know
that you've been there.
259
00:18:26,291 --> 00:18:27,644
I got it!
260
00:18:27,891 --> 00:18:31,008
But wait a second. What if my
buddies don't believe that I met you?
261
00:18:31,251 --> 00:18:35,085
Is there something here that you can
give me to prove that we met?
262
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,765
Well, how about that sack of flour?
263
00:18:38,011 --> 00:18:42,209
Well, anything without
mealy bugs in it?
264
00:18:43,251 --> 00:18:45,207
I guess that leaves my beard out.
265
00:18:46,371 --> 00:18:48,487
All I got left now is this guitar...
266
00:18:48,731 --> 00:18:52,883
...that my dearly beloved,
departed grandmother left me.
267
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:56,521
And my Victoria's Secret catalogue.
268
00:18:59,691 --> 00:19:02,159
Here, I can't give up
my sunshine.
269
00:19:06,051 --> 00:19:10,044
Well, thank you, Ironhead.
270
00:19:10,291 --> 00:19:12,566
And I'll see to it
that your legend lives on.
271
00:19:12,811 --> 00:19:15,769
You're still my idol
because you're afraid of nothing.
272
00:19:16,011 --> 00:19:18,764
Well, now,
that's not necessarily true.
273
00:19:19,011 --> 00:19:21,650
I'm deathly afraid of magnets.
274
00:19:21,891 --> 00:19:26,123
If a big one was to roll by here right
now, my head is history.
275
00:19:26,371 --> 00:19:29,283
I suggest that you get on back down
that mountain in a hurry.
276
00:19:29,531 --> 00:19:31,283
Why? Is it gonna rain?
277
00:19:31,531 --> 00:19:35,160
No, but I do feel
another spit coming on.
278
00:19:41,811 --> 00:19:44,200
You think something horrible's
happened to Al?
279
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,045
Why would you say
such a terrible thing?
280
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:51,364
Well, because if he's dead,
we could eat his croissant.
281
00:19:51,611 --> 00:19:53,647
- He's dead.
- He's dead.
282
00:19:56,371 --> 00:19:59,841
Don't eat the croissant!
283
00:20:13,731 --> 00:20:15,961
Al, is that you?
284
00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:18,163
It is I.
285
00:20:18,411 --> 00:20:21,369
I have come from Ironhead Haynes...
286
00:20:23,691 --> 00:20:25,568
...with words for hardworking people...
287
00:20:25,811 --> 00:20:29,440
...who don't give a rat's ass
about political correctness.
288
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,723
Rule number one:
289
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:37,884
It's okay to call hooters "knockers"
and sometimes "snack trays."
290
00:20:40,691 --> 00:20:44,286
Rule two: It is wrong to be French.
291
00:20:46,731 --> 00:20:52,124
Rule three: It is okay to put all bad
people in a giant meat grinder.
292
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:55,882
Rule four: Lawyers, see rule three.
293
00:20:58,011 --> 00:21:02,687
It is okay to drive a gas guzzler
if it helps you get babes.
294
00:21:03,211 --> 00:21:06,840
Everyone should car pool except me.
295
00:21:07,411 --> 00:21:10,483
Bring back the word "stewardesses."
296
00:21:10,731 --> 00:21:14,121
Synchronized swimming
is not a sport.
297
00:21:14,971 --> 00:21:17,804
Mud wrestling is a sport.
298
00:21:18,051 --> 00:21:21,088
Those are your 10 commandments.
299
00:21:22,011 --> 00:21:23,763
But, Al, that's only nine.
300
00:21:24,771 --> 00:21:28,047
Those are you nine commandments.
301
00:21:28,691 --> 00:21:30,010
Well, I can live with that.
302
00:21:30,251 --> 00:21:32,719
I say we all go back
and spread the word.
303
00:21:32,971 --> 00:21:36,850
And help Al get what appears
to be flour out of his hair.
304
00:21:37,091 --> 00:21:38,843
It's stupid to start back now.
305
00:21:39,091 --> 00:21:41,400
It'll be pitch-black
before we reach the bottom.
306
00:21:41,651 --> 00:21:44,245
If we're gonna stay here
we'd better keep this fire going.
307
00:21:44,451 --> 00:21:47,045
Now, does anybody have something
we can throw on the fire?
308
00:21:47,251 --> 00:21:49,719
All I have is my Victoria's Secret
catalogue.
309
00:21:49,971 --> 00:21:52,439
- Yeah, me too.
- Me too.
310
00:21:52,691 --> 00:21:56,127
Well, then all we have is these...
311
00:21:56,371 --> 00:21:59,488
...or these sacred commandments.
312
00:21:59,971 --> 00:22:01,689
Yeah. Give me that back.
313
00:22:01,931 --> 00:22:05,446
Sinners, blasphemers,
heathens, sinners...
314
00:22:05,891 --> 00:22:07,802
...hooters. Hooters.1
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,710
Hello, Jefferson, are you busy?
2
00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:38,109
You're having sex with Marcie.
3
00:01:39,679 --> 00:01:41,749
What, is she holding a gun?
4
00:01:42,839 --> 00:01:44,591
Okay, I'll wait.
5
00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:49,149
Let's go, let's go.
6
00:01:49,399 --> 00:01:52,550
Now, look, it's my day off and the
Brute channel is gonna show Hondo.
7
00:01:52,799 --> 00:01:54,551
John Wayne's greatest movie
of all time.
8
00:01:54,799 --> 00:01:58,587
Now, I know Peg wants me to fix
the basement steps, so I need a favour.
9
00:01:58,839 --> 00:02:02,229
Come over and hide in the bushes,
then I'm gonna open the door...
10
00:02:02,439 --> 00:02:05,192
...and say, " My, the clouds
are looking fluffy today."
11
00:02:05,399 --> 00:02:08,357
That's your excuse to come in
having an appendicitis attack...
12
00:02:08,559 --> 00:02:10,436
...and need me to rush you
to the hospital.
13
00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:13,028
Then we'll go to your house
and watch Hondo.
14
00:02:15,319 --> 00:02:18,834
What do you mean, "Faster, faster"?
I'm talking as fast as I can. Hello?
15
00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:26,510
Sex in the morning.
16
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:30,555
Sex with Marcie.
17
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,479
Sex in the morning with Marcie.
18
00:02:36,079 --> 00:02:37,637
Hi, honey.
19
00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:44,757
It's time to get some chores done.
20
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:49,675
Now, to be fair, we'll both pick
from the job jar. I'll pick the red one.
21
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,910
Well, that's where I went wrong.
22
00:02:53,559 --> 00:02:56,073
"Continue sitting on couch."
23
00:02:56,319 --> 00:03:00,358
Oh, lucky. All right, Al. Your turn.
24
00:03:01,359 --> 00:03:04,590
Gee, I wonder what it will be.
25
00:03:06,599 --> 00:03:08,157
All right.
26
00:03:10,039 --> 00:03:12,109
"Fix basement step."
27
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,714
Tough break, honey.
28
00:03:15,559 --> 00:03:18,119
Well, a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.
29
00:03:18,359 --> 00:03:21,715
Excuse me, Peg, I'm just gonna
get a little fresh air first.
30
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:29,548
My, the clouds
are looking fluffy today.
31
00:03:36,119 --> 00:03:40,431
My, the clouds
are looking fluffy today.
32
00:03:45,919 --> 00:03:50,276
I said, my, the clouds
are looking fluffy today...
33
00:03:50,479 --> 00:03:52,913
...you earless moron.
34
00:03:55,039 --> 00:03:57,189
Al. Al.
35
00:04:03,079 --> 00:04:06,708
It's an emergency. I need you to...
36
00:04:08,199 --> 00:04:10,838
- What?
- Rush you to the hospital?
37
00:04:11,079 --> 00:04:14,833
Yes, yes. I'm in great pain.
38
00:04:15,079 --> 00:04:16,558
What's wrong, Jefferson?
39
00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:20,510
It's an appendicitis, Peg. See?
40
00:04:22,399 --> 00:04:25,232
Thank God it's not a groin pull.
41
00:04:25,639 --> 00:04:27,675
Yeah, I'm a paramedic.
I heard the yelling.
42
00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:31,514
Good thing I was parked on the street,
avoiding my supervisor.
43
00:04:32,719 --> 00:04:35,233
Come on, we'll have that appendix
out in no time.
44
00:04:35,439 --> 00:04:37,316
No, no, no, you see.
You don't understand.
45
00:04:37,519 --> 00:04:39,794
I was helping Al. Tell him I was...
46
00:04:45,479 --> 00:04:47,993
Well, honey, now you can fix
the basement step.
47
00:04:48,239 --> 00:04:50,799
Peg, Hondo's coming on at 3:30.
48
00:04:52,799 --> 00:04:54,437
Hondo, Peg.
49
00:04:54,679 --> 00:04:58,388
John Wayne's best movie.
It only comes on once every 17 years.
50
00:04:58,639 --> 00:05:01,437
Oh, Peg, please let me watch Hondo.
51
00:05:01,679 --> 00:05:04,591
Oh, now, Al. It's only 9:30.
52
00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:08,149
You can fix the step
and watch your stupid Hondo.
53
00:05:08,399 --> 00:05:10,594
All right, I'll fix the step.
Where are my tools?
54
00:05:10,839 --> 00:05:13,433
Well, in the tool chest.
55
00:05:18,399 --> 00:05:22,517
You know, there is something else
that needs fixing down there.
56
00:05:27,079 --> 00:05:30,788
- Light bulb out?
- Yeah, that's it.
57
00:05:31,639 --> 00:05:33,675
Would you get me
the flashlight, Peg?
58
00:05:33,919 --> 00:05:37,753
Now, how am I supposed
to do my job and yours?
59
00:05:37,999 --> 00:05:41,594
I tell you.
Now I know how Hillary feels.
60
00:05:45,079 --> 00:05:47,639
All right, Al, I've got it. Now what?
61
00:05:47,879 --> 00:05:49,995
Well, you can shove it up...
62
00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:53,677
- Never mind.
- Come on, hurry, Al...
63
00:05:53,879 --> 00:05:57,189
...this flashlight weighs a ton.
- It's not the flashlight.
64
00:05:59,079 --> 00:06:01,468
Wait a minute, Peg, it doesn't work.
65
00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:05,598
Peg, do me a favour. Go to the store
and get me some D batteries.
66
00:06:06,119 --> 00:06:07,438
Well, what are you gonna do?
67
00:06:07,679 --> 00:06:09,954
Don't worry, I'm not gonna
be having a good time.
68
00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:11,592
I'll do what I can in the dark.
69
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,558
Oh, like during sex?
70
00:06:15,359 --> 00:06:17,475
No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.
71
00:06:36,319 --> 00:06:38,958
Hey, Kel, we got any D batteries?
72
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:42,396
Yeah, I think there's some
in the tool chest.
73
00:06:52,159 --> 00:06:54,229
- Find it?
- Yeah.
74
00:06:54,919 --> 00:06:57,877
Kel, check this out.
It's Buck's birth certificate.
75
00:06:58,119 --> 00:07:01,031
Wow, according to this,
he was born 10 years ago.
76
00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:04,794
God, that would make him
10 years old.
77
00:07:06,599 --> 00:07:09,397
And they wanted to neuter me.
78
00:07:10,079 --> 00:07:11,751
Hey, I've got an idea.
79
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,354
Please don't say
"Let's do something nice for him."
80
00:07:14,599 --> 00:07:17,193
Let's do something nice for him.
81
00:07:17,599 --> 00:07:19,157
What can we do though?
82
00:07:19,359 --> 00:07:21,827
Food would be nice.
83
00:07:22,079 --> 00:07:23,990
Let's take him out for some exercise.
84
00:07:24,239 --> 00:07:27,675
Oh, good,
the very thing you need food for.
85
00:07:28,759 --> 00:07:31,273
- Hey, we can take him to that park.
- Yeah.
86
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:34,033
You mean
where the Rottweilers hunt?
87
00:07:34,439 --> 00:07:37,078
Come on, boy,
we're gonna have the time of your life.
88
00:07:37,319 --> 00:07:38,911
But I hate Rottweilers.
89
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:43,471
Hey, can't I play with the drug-sniffing
dogs? You know, they're so laid back.
90
00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:48,670
Okay, Al, I got your batteries.
91
00:07:50,039 --> 00:07:52,314
Peg, these are A's. I needed D's.
92
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:55,153
A's, D's, what's the difference?
93
00:07:55,599 --> 00:07:56,873
They're too small.
94
00:07:57,119 --> 00:07:59,394
Then use a lot of them.
95
00:08:00,199 --> 00:08:02,155
Better yet, I'll exchange them...
96
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:03,957
...for bullets.
97
00:08:04,719 --> 00:08:07,108
- I'm going with you.
- lf you go, you'll wanna shop.
98
00:08:07,319 --> 00:08:09,071
I'm just gonna get the new batteries.
99
00:08:09,319 --> 00:08:12,629
I was just at that store. There is
absolutely nothing I want there.
100
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:16,036
- Now let's go.
- But, Peg, Hondo's coming on.
101
00:08:28,519 --> 00:08:32,273
Peg, do we really need
Christmas icicles? It's May.
102
00:08:33,519 --> 00:08:35,396
Well, you'll thank me in December.
103
00:08:35,639 --> 00:08:38,153
Only if you leave me in November.
104
00:08:42,599 --> 00:08:48,037
Oh, look, Al.
They're doing a Full House in 3-D.
105
00:08:48,839 --> 00:08:51,399
Is the third dimension
the funny one?
106
00:08:52,759 --> 00:08:54,477
Gee, I don't know.
107
00:08:54,719 --> 00:08:57,313
But these glasses are annoying.
108
00:08:58,159 --> 00:09:00,195
Well, at least you look stupid.
109
00:09:01,319 --> 00:09:04,516
I'm bored. I'm gonna go get some
ice cream and wait in the car.
110
00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:06,715
Don't put back those icicles.
111
00:09:06,959 --> 00:09:08,711
I won't.
112
00:09:18,359 --> 00:09:20,031
Excuse me.
113
00:09:20,279 --> 00:09:25,353
My 26 cats are waiting
for these three cans of Liver Feast.
114
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,396
Do you mind if I cut in?
115
00:09:28,199 --> 00:09:31,032
Well, age before beauty.
116
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,158
Thank you, beauty.
117
00:09:33,759 --> 00:09:36,034
You're welcome, age.
118
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,957
Hey, lady. You know,
Hondo's coming on pretty soon.
119
00:09:46,199 --> 00:09:48,269
You know, it's a story
about the Wild West.
120
00:09:48,519 --> 00:09:51,397
You remember the Wild West,
don't you?
121
00:09:51,919 --> 00:09:56,435
Aren't you that mean shoe salesman
at the mall?
122
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,637
No. You must have me mistaken
for someone else.
123
00:09:59,879 --> 00:10:03,394
Check stand two is now open.
124
00:10:04,199 --> 00:10:06,269
Yes, I am that shoe salesman.
125
00:10:06,519 --> 00:10:11,115
And I don't need your stinking place
in line. Eat shoe and die.
126
00:10:17,959 --> 00:10:20,314
Gotta see Hondo. Gotta see Hondo.
127
00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:22,948
Sir, would you let me
in front of you, please?
128
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,638
Don't call me "sir," you cliff dweller.
129
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,347
- Bad enough you ruined my morning.
- Yeah?
130
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:36,592
You think hearing you scream " Ride me
like a show horse" did me any good?
131
00:10:38,279 --> 00:10:42,397
Let me go in front of you and
I'll be out of what's left of your hair.
132
00:10:43,359 --> 00:10:47,875
Just relax. This is what it's like
to be a part of civilization.
133
00:10:48,479 --> 00:10:49,798
Wait, I have a coupon.
134
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:54,032
Un-freaking-believable!
There's always one.
135
00:10:54,839 --> 00:10:58,036
- No, don't worry. I'm paying cash.
- Thank God.
136
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:02,634
Yeah, my wife and I put a penny in
every time we make love.
137
00:11:02,959 --> 00:11:05,075
We're like rabbits.
138
00:11:05,519 --> 00:11:08,317
Good. On Easter,
I'll dip you both in chocolate...
139
00:11:08,519 --> 00:11:10,430
...and break your heads off.
140
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:21,071
We don't see that much Confederate
money around here anymore.
141
00:11:24,159 --> 00:11:25,990
What happened
to just paying and leaving?
142
00:11:26,239 --> 00:11:28,150
People just have too many options.
143
00:11:28,399 --> 00:11:29,991
Next.
144
00:11:30,599 --> 00:11:33,636
This vaporizer is 39.99 here...
145
00:11:33,879 --> 00:11:38,953
...but I found it somewhere else for
39.98 and you say you'll beat any ad.
146
00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:46,035
That'll be $753.84.
147
00:11:51,239 --> 00:11:55,278
Every time my husband and I
make love.
148
00:11:58,359 --> 00:12:01,476
My wife bought the wrong batteries.
Since I can't exchange her...
149
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,715
...l'd like to exchange these for these.
150
00:12:05,919 --> 00:12:09,036
In my day, you just push them buttons
a bit, the register went:
151
00:12:09,239 --> 00:12:10,718
And the drawer popped out.
152
00:12:10,999 --> 00:12:14,435
That's a fascinating story, sir.
153
00:12:14,839 --> 00:12:16,318
These days we have computers.
154
00:12:16,519 --> 00:12:19,272
They make things a lot easier
and quicker.
155
00:12:22,279 --> 00:12:25,112
Computer's down.
Sorry, sir, you'll have to wait.
156
00:12:30,479 --> 00:12:32,276
I can't wait
for the computer to come on.
157
00:12:32,479 --> 00:12:34,470
I gotta get home for Hondo.
Just add it up.
158
00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:37,756
- I can't do that.
- You can't add?
159
00:12:37,999 --> 00:12:39,955
Good career choice.
160
00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:45,196
I don't have to take this.
If I knew how, I would call Security.
161
00:12:48,239 --> 00:12:50,514
Well, don't learn a new skill
on my account.
162
00:12:50,759 --> 00:12:54,115
Just keep the stinking batteries.
I'm taking my business elsewhere.
163
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:00,267
Open these doors.
164
00:13:00,519 --> 00:13:03,431
Can't.
The computer controls them too.
165
00:13:04,319 --> 00:13:06,071
And you just lost your place in line.
166
00:13:09,719 --> 00:13:11,994
That was fun.
It's good to get out, watch Buck run.
167
00:13:12,199 --> 00:13:14,315
Yeah. He must have had a great time.
168
00:13:17,879 --> 00:13:19,995
Call 911.
169
00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:23,228
K-911.
170
00:13:24,239 --> 00:13:26,833
Well, now what do you want
to do with him?
171
00:13:27,119 --> 00:13:28,711
Hey, I know. Let's play...
172
00:13:28,959 --> 00:13:30,756
Anything but Frisbee.
173
00:13:31,239 --> 00:13:32,467
...Frisbee.
174
00:13:32,719 --> 00:13:36,678
No, not the disk of death.
175
00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:39,433
Oh, look at his eyes light up.
176
00:13:40,199 --> 00:13:43,987
I'd tear out both your hearts if my teeth
weren't in a glass in my doghouse.
177
00:13:45,279 --> 00:13:46,712
Come on, boy.
178
00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:50,909
You know, in these stressful times...
179
00:13:51,119 --> 00:13:54,555
...it's nice to have a quiet moment
to get to know each other.
180
00:13:56,359 --> 00:14:00,796
I want out!
It's 90 minutes to Hondo.
181
00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:06,030
Al, are you gonna be long?
Hondo's on in 90 minutes.
182
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,474
I know, Peg. The doors won't open.
183
00:14:08,719 --> 00:14:11,711
I know the stores are open.
184
00:14:11,959 --> 00:14:14,678
That's where I got this lovely dress.
185
00:14:14,919 --> 00:14:16,989
No more. No more.
186
00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:21,471
What's that? Buy more? Buy more?
187
00:14:22,359 --> 00:14:24,315
Don't buy anything.
188
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,789
Buy a dinner ring?
189
00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:28,950
I haven't thought
about jewellery before...
190
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:31,275
...but I guess l...
- No. Don't buy.
191
00:14:31,519 --> 00:14:33,350
Bye.
192
00:14:35,639 --> 00:14:39,427
My wife is out there,
unsupervised, with credit cards.
193
00:14:39,759 --> 00:14:41,238
Where's your computer expert?
194
00:14:41,759 --> 00:14:44,068
Out there. He can't get in.
195
00:14:50,399 --> 00:14:53,994
Okay, Buck. Here it comes, boy.
Catch it.
196
00:14:56,239 --> 00:14:57,991
Why didn't you jump?
197
00:14:58,399 --> 00:15:00,629
I did.
198
00:15:01,399 --> 00:15:05,278
You know, Kel. I think the problem
is Buck's getting too old to jump.
199
00:15:05,519 --> 00:15:07,475
Yeah. I know.
200
00:15:07,719 --> 00:15:10,187
- You throw it to him and I'll lift him.
- All right.
201
00:15:10,439 --> 00:15:12,430
This will be good.
202
00:15:14,399 --> 00:15:17,152
Okay, Buck. Here it comes, boy.
203
00:15:22,439 --> 00:15:23,952
Kelly?
204
00:15:24,319 --> 00:15:26,913
Kelly? Speak to me.
205
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:30,909
Come closer.
206
00:15:31,159 --> 00:15:33,036
What? What is it?
207
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:39,195
Oh, come on. She's never gonna
get that Frisbee to fit there.
208
00:15:42,079 --> 00:15:44,752
Well, I'll be damned.
209
00:15:52,679 --> 00:15:56,558
Someone hasn't been eating
their fibre.
210
00:16:02,679 --> 00:16:06,035
Hey, come on, fella.
Put the bat down.
211
00:16:06,239 --> 00:16:08,628
Come sit around the hibachi.
Swap some stories, huh?
212
00:16:10,039 --> 00:16:11,950
You want a story?
213
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,948
I got a story for you.
214
00:16:15,479 --> 00:16:18,551
About a little place
I like to call America.
215
00:16:18,839 --> 00:16:25,153
Before scanners and bar codes
and computers and wives.
216
00:16:41,359 --> 00:16:44,317
Can I help you,
pretty-but-fallen lady?
217
00:16:44,839 --> 00:16:47,956
I hope so. They want me to do
the cancan down at the saloon...
218
00:16:48,159 --> 00:16:51,435
...so I guess I'm gonna need
some cans.
219
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:55,317
You got yourself
some fancy book learning, ain't you?
220
00:16:57,999 --> 00:17:01,912
Howdy, my honest
young merchant friend.
221
00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:04,548
I need a few things.
222
00:17:04,799 --> 00:17:07,518
I need a deck of marked cards,
some loaded dice...
223
00:17:07,719 --> 00:17:11,314
...and some genuine
cowhide condoms.
224
00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:14,278
Although in these simpler times,
we don't need them...
225
00:17:14,479 --> 00:17:17,596
...but heck, they feel so good
we don't need the woman either.
226
00:17:18,519 --> 00:17:21,511
Hey, not in front of the boy,
Mr. D'Arcy.
227
00:17:21,759 --> 00:17:24,353
You'll put ideas in his head.
228
00:17:25,319 --> 00:17:27,879
Next thing you know,
he'll be out behind the barn...
229
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,876
...with his wooden woman.
230
00:17:31,639 --> 00:17:34,153
Hey, order me up
a couple of jugs too.
231
00:17:39,679 --> 00:17:42,477
Ma, now, you know
you scare the customers...
232
00:17:42,759 --> 00:17:44,636
...when you stare
into that box like that.
233
00:17:44,879 --> 00:17:48,667
Yeah, I know. But I just get
this feeling that one day...
234
00:17:48,879 --> 00:17:52,554
...there's gonna be people
small enough to fit in there.
235
00:17:58,519 --> 00:18:01,795
Afternoon, barefoot bumpkins.
236
00:18:02,199 --> 00:18:05,191
Afternoon, Miss Evil Bank President.
237
00:18:05,759 --> 00:18:09,434
It has come to my attention
that these simple times...
238
00:18:09,639 --> 00:18:12,790
...are going far too easy
for you folks.
239
00:18:13,039 --> 00:18:17,749
Let's see if that changes
when you have to use this.
240
00:18:18,679 --> 00:18:21,398
What in tarnation is that?
241
00:18:22,319 --> 00:18:24,549
It's a computer!
242
00:18:25,199 --> 00:18:29,431
And we're gonna make you use them
whether you like it or not.
243
00:18:32,399 --> 00:18:35,277
Now hold on a second, pilgrim.
244
00:18:43,919 --> 00:18:46,228
What is that gizmo?
245
00:18:46,479 --> 00:18:49,835
That's not a gizmo, it's a computer.
246
00:19:07,999 --> 00:19:10,388
Now it's a gizmo.
247
00:19:11,919 --> 00:19:16,151
Now, you take your prairie-chicken
hide and cluck on out of here.
248
00:19:16,399 --> 00:19:21,427
Well, I'll be back,
and next time, I'm bringing Muzak.
249
00:19:25,759 --> 00:19:27,351
Thanks, Bundo.
250
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:30,557
Oh, Bundo, you are just
the kind of man we need...
251
00:19:30,759 --> 00:19:32,989
...in these sweet and innocent times.
252
00:19:33,239 --> 00:19:35,116
Now, if there's anything
I can do for you...
253
00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:37,993
Well, there is one thing.
254
00:19:38,879 --> 00:19:40,995
Take a powder, boy.
255
00:19:44,079 --> 00:19:50,314
Not that. No, I'm looking for a copy of
that new girlie magazine, Bare Ankle.
256
00:19:50,719 --> 00:19:54,997
I hear they're corning out
with a new 3-D issue.
257
00:20:01,639 --> 00:20:03,869
So I say...
258
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:06,952
...we should do
what John Wayne would have done.
259
00:20:07,319 --> 00:20:11,517
Let's show these machines
who's running things.
260
00:20:11,759 --> 00:20:15,911
I say we kick some computer butt.
261
00:20:24,479 --> 00:20:27,198
For Hondo!
262
00:20:35,399 --> 00:20:37,993
Oh, my head.
263
00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:44,518
What time is it? Hondo!
264
00:20:46,399 --> 00:20:49,869
And that's the conclusion
of the classic western Hondo.
265
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:55,147
Join us February 18, 2011
for the encore showing of...
266
00:21:00,999 --> 00:21:02,830
Well, I might have missed Hondo...
267
00:21:03,079 --> 00:21:05,547
...but at least I stood up
for what I believed in.
268
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:07,551
Honey,
you better sit back down again...
269
00:21:07,759 --> 00:21:12,355
...because that computer you destroyed
is gonna cost $4000.
270
00:21:12,719 --> 00:21:17,395
Well, thank God
I make that much in a year.
271
00:21:18,839 --> 00:21:21,911
Mom, Dad, you guys seen Buck?
272
00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:24,235
We were gonna
take him Rollerblading.
273
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,428
He's in the basement. Let's get him.
274
00:21:28,639 --> 00:21:29,992
You...
275
00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:39,030
I may be old, but I can still
throw my v oice with the best of them.1
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,359
Hi, Al Bundy here.
2
00:01:18,724 --> 00:01:21,192
I got any income tax
refund and I wanna blow it all.
3
00:01:22,564 --> 00:01:25,840
How much for a subscription
to "Hot New Boats?"
4
00:01:27,244 --> 00:01:29,235
Gee, that's a little steep.
5
00:01:29,484 --> 00:01:32,078
You gonna have an issue
of "Hot New Hooters?"
6
00:01:33,884 --> 00:01:35,112
Hello?
7
00:01:35,604 --> 00:01:38,277
You know, Al, I know
how you could spend that refund.
8
00:01:38,524 --> 00:01:42,358
I saw this nice bonbon maker
on the Home Shopping Network.
9
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:44,674
It would make my life a lot easier.
10
00:01:45,124 --> 00:01:49,003
Peg, if your life was any easier
you'd be in an urn in the garage.
11
00:01:50,524 --> 00:01:52,401
You know, you're gonna
change your tune...
12
00:01:52,604 --> 00:01:55,072
...when my homemade bonbons
go national.
13
00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,042
I've even got a slogan.
14
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,844
"Put A Wanker In Your Mouth."
15
00:02:02,964 --> 00:02:06,161
No offence, but I wanted to use
my maiden name.
16
00:02:06,764 --> 00:02:08,402
Should use
your mother's maiden name.
17
00:02:08,604 --> 00:02:11,038
"Put An Entire Side of Beef
In Your Mouth."
18
00:02:12,884 --> 00:02:14,476
All right, Al, now close your eyes.
19
00:02:14,724 --> 00:02:18,876
I want you to tell me which one
of these bonbons you like better.
20
00:02:20,084 --> 00:02:23,121
Now, I'm not gonna tell you
which one is mine.
21
00:02:26,364 --> 00:02:29,561
- Not bad.
- Okay.
22
00:02:29,804 --> 00:02:31,760
Now...
23
00:02:32,364 --> 00:02:34,275
...this one.
24
00:02:54,244 --> 00:02:55,757
So, what do you think?
25
00:02:56,004 --> 00:02:57,437
Well, it's...
26
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,755
...got a lot of tang.
27
00:03:00,324 --> 00:03:04,317
Well, it should.
I used a whole jar of it.
28
00:03:06,164 --> 00:03:09,634
All right now, Al.
Tell me what you think, and be honest.
29
00:03:09,884 --> 00:03:12,273
Don't quit your day couch, Peg.
30
00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:15,356
You suck.
31
00:03:15,604 --> 00:03:18,038
I'm gonna go find Marcie.
Get a woman's opinion.
32
00:03:18,284 --> 00:03:20,320
Why, does she know one?
33
00:03:22,404 --> 00:03:24,235
Hey, Al.
34
00:03:29,924 --> 00:03:33,121
- Look, I really need to talk to...
- Hey, Jefferson, come here a minute.
35
00:03:33,364 --> 00:03:36,959
I want you to try
one of my homemade bonbons.
36
00:03:37,204 --> 00:03:39,672
- Okay.
- Okay.
37
00:03:46,324 --> 00:03:47,962
Where is it?
38
00:03:48,284 --> 00:03:50,400
In this meteorite?
39
00:04:00,164 --> 00:04:01,882
Fruity.
40
00:04:02,124 --> 00:04:04,922
Light. It's the most delicious thing...
41
00:04:05,164 --> 00:04:07,200
Peg's gone.
42
00:04:13,564 --> 00:04:17,113
- What's new?
- Oh, Al, you gotta help me.
43
00:04:17,364 --> 00:04:19,195
I have done something terrible.
44
00:04:19,444 --> 00:04:22,038
I know. I was at the wedding.
45
00:04:23,084 --> 00:04:24,881
Not that.
46
00:04:25,084 --> 00:04:28,042
You know how Marcie's always saying
I'm irresponsible with money?
47
00:04:28,284 --> 00:04:30,718
You mean because you haven't
had a job in three years.
48
00:04:32,604 --> 00:04:37,200
Just because I'm a house-husband
doesn't mean I don't work.
49
00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:43,359
Excuse me, Mr. Jefferson,
I have ironed your socks.
50
00:04:43,604 --> 00:04:47,483
May I please have my five minutes
for lunch now?
51
00:04:48,724 --> 00:04:50,077
No.
52
00:04:51,244 --> 00:04:52,916
Thank you.
53
00:04:57,044 --> 00:04:59,604
Oh, I'm in real trouble, Al.
54
00:04:59,844 --> 00:05:03,280
See, I wanted to prove to Marcie
that I was good with money.
55
00:05:03,524 --> 00:05:08,393
So when her $3000 tax refund came in,
I took it and I invested it.
56
00:05:08,644 --> 00:05:09,872
In what?
57
00:05:10,124 --> 00:05:11,603
Clothes.
58
00:05:12,804 --> 00:05:15,602
Look, Al, I've only got
a couple of hundred left.
59
00:05:15,844 --> 00:05:18,756
I need a good solid 15-to-1 shot.
60
00:05:19,204 --> 00:05:20,557
Well, it's a 15-to-1 shot...
61
00:05:20,764 --> 00:05:24,040
...the next time I'm having sex
Peg will ruin it by walking in on me.
62
00:05:25,484 --> 00:05:28,442
No, not good enough.
I need a sure bet.
63
00:05:28,684 --> 00:05:30,879
Well, it's a sure bet
that this time next year...
64
00:05:31,084 --> 00:05:33,723
...Marcie will be a member
of the Hair Club For Men.
65
00:05:39,284 --> 00:05:40,876
Forget it. I'll just ask somebody...
66
00:05:41,084 --> 00:05:43,837
...who knows more about money
than a shoe salesman.
67
00:05:46,444 --> 00:05:48,435
Yo! Paper boy.
68
00:05:57,764 --> 00:06:00,756
Dad, I gotta ask you a question.
69
00:06:00,964 --> 00:06:04,195
Because we get horny
and don't have the sense to say no.
70
00:06:06,404 --> 00:06:09,635
No. Not that question, Dad.
71
00:06:09,884 --> 00:06:13,035
Well, that's the only one
I have an answer to, Son.
72
00:06:13,484 --> 00:06:16,362
Dad, why is life so unfair?
73
00:06:16,604 --> 00:06:18,595
I mean, I go to college
and get good grades.
74
00:06:18,844 --> 00:06:22,234
- Yes, you do, Son.
- I'm certainly good looking.
75
00:06:25,604 --> 00:06:28,402
Yet some imbecile football player,
with the I.Q. of Buck...
76
00:06:28,644 --> 00:06:30,475
...gets girls, while I get nothing.
77
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:35,479
The secret of attracting the opposite
sex is in the mutual sniffing of butt.
78
00:06:37,524 --> 00:06:39,560
Bud, let me tell you something.
79
00:06:39,804 --> 00:06:42,398
I was once that imbecile.
80
00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:46,000
I was once that football player.
81
00:06:46,244 --> 00:06:50,795
And if it makes you feel any better,
I am what becomes of them.
82
00:06:53,164 --> 00:06:57,760
They have jobs like mine, houses
like mine and children like mine.
83
00:06:58,884 --> 00:07:00,840
I am your revenge.
84
00:07:02,084 --> 00:07:04,598
So you'd trade places with me?
85
00:07:04,804 --> 00:07:06,032
Are you kidding?
86
00:07:09,924 --> 00:07:11,152
Well, I'm gonna get ready.
87
00:07:11,404 --> 00:07:14,316
Chad's gonna be here
in a few minutes to get tutored.
88
00:07:16,444 --> 00:07:20,278
The pig says, "Oink."
89
00:07:21,324 --> 00:07:23,394
Today is biology.
90
00:07:31,404 --> 00:07:33,474
Thank you, ladies.
Thank you, ladies.
91
00:07:33,724 --> 00:07:38,081
It's time for my lesson now,
but I'll be walking home in an hour.
92
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:46,237
Don't you hate women hanging
all over you everywhere you go?
93
00:07:46,484 --> 00:07:49,044
Good thing we're at our sexual peak,
hey, buddy?
94
00:07:51,684 --> 00:07:53,322
Sure is.
95
00:07:57,524 --> 00:07:59,560
Chad Dowling.
96
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,558
- Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.
- Yes, sir.
97
00:08:02,804 --> 00:08:04,681
Pleasure to meet you, son.
98
00:08:04,924 --> 00:08:06,152
Al Bundy.
99
00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:08,872
I hope you don't mind me
calling you "son."
100
00:08:09,124 --> 00:08:10,637
No offence...
101
00:08:12,884 --> 00:08:15,193
- Bud.
- Bud. Yeah.
102
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,394
I'm sure my son here
has told you all about me.
103
00:08:19,604 --> 00:08:22,437
Al Bundy. Polk High.
Four touchdowns, one game.
104
00:08:22,764 --> 00:08:25,324
Actually, he told me
more about his real father.
105
00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:29,842
The green beret who got lost
in that recon mission over in Nam.
106
00:08:32,484 --> 00:08:38,081
Yeah, well, his real mother,
the late Totie Fields, took that hard.
107
00:08:38,564 --> 00:08:39,963
Took that real hard.
108
00:08:40,204 --> 00:08:43,594
Well, come on. Let's sit down, son.
Let's talk a little football.
109
00:08:43,884 --> 00:08:45,033
Excuse me, Dad.
110
00:08:45,244 --> 00:08:47,200
You know, Mr. Bundy,
if you're such a fan...
111
00:08:47,404 --> 00:08:49,964
...you ought to come
to our homecoming game this weekend.
112
00:08:50,164 --> 00:08:54,203
We're playing our traditional rival, the
Sonora Screaming Desert Tortoises.
113
00:08:55,004 --> 00:08:57,279
Hey, I hear they're tough this year.
114
00:08:57,524 --> 00:08:59,799
- We got a lot of work...
- You ought to be there.
115
00:09:00,044 --> 00:09:02,274
- We're gonna kill them.
- You're that good, huh?
116
00:09:02,524 --> 00:09:05,800
No. Probably shouldn't
tell you this...
117
00:09:06,044 --> 00:09:09,878
...but I just found out their quarterback
will be out on academic probation.
118
00:09:10,124 --> 00:09:14,037
Man, if we were allowed to cash in the
free cars the alumni gave us and bet...
119
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:16,878
...l'd put the farm on this one.
120
00:09:17,564 --> 00:09:20,237
Especially before the word gets out.
121
00:09:24,644 --> 00:09:28,557
The cow says, "Moo."
122
00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,522
What is it, Al?
123
00:09:31,764 --> 00:09:32,992
- Jefferson?
- Yeah?
124
00:09:33,204 --> 00:09:35,877
- Look over there. You see that kid?
- Yeah.
125
00:09:36,124 --> 00:09:38,035
That's your 15-to-1 shot.
126
00:09:38,284 --> 00:09:43,836
If a cow says, "Moo,"
does a moose say, "Cow?"
127
00:09:48,604 --> 00:09:51,880
What am I betting,
that one day he'll sell shoes?
128
00:09:54,084 --> 00:09:56,678
That's Chad Dowling,
Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.
129
00:09:56,924 --> 00:09:59,313
He told me that the quarterback
for the opposing team...
130
00:09:59,564 --> 00:10:02,874
...is out on probation and won't play
in the big game on Saturday...
131
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:05,843
...but the best part is...
132
00:10:06,084 --> 00:10:08,552
...nobody knows about it yet.
133
00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:10,517
Are you sure about this, Al?
134
00:10:10,764 --> 00:10:13,995
Because if you're not,
Marcie's gonna hurt me bad.
135
00:10:15,764 --> 00:10:22,203
Jefferson, do you think I would bet
my $17.34 tax refund if I wasn't sure?
136
00:10:22,444 --> 00:10:25,038
I don't know much,
but I know football.
137
00:10:25,724 --> 00:10:27,555
You're right on both counts.
138
00:10:27,804 --> 00:10:31,433
Oh, Al, you're the last friend
I've ever had.
139
00:10:31,684 --> 00:10:33,800
I gotta go call my bookie.
140
00:10:34,044 --> 00:10:36,717
Okay, Chad, look,
we covered a lot of ground today...
141
00:10:36,964 --> 00:10:38,636
...so just go home and get some rest.
142
00:10:38,844 --> 00:10:40,436
Yeah, I'm beat.
143
00:10:40,684 --> 00:10:43,152
It's like when you've had
so much sex you can barely...
144
00:10:43,404 --> 00:10:45,395
Just get out, okay?
145
00:10:47,044 --> 00:10:48,682
It was nice to meet you, Mr. Bundy.
146
00:10:48,924 --> 00:10:51,358
And by the way,
why didn't you ever play college ball?
147
00:10:51,604 --> 00:10:54,880
Well, that's a long, sad story, Chad.
148
00:10:55,124 --> 00:10:56,477
Excuse us.
149
00:10:58,884 --> 00:11:00,875
It was 20 years ago...
150
00:11:01,124 --> 00:11:03,319
...Polk High's big game.
151
00:11:03,564 --> 00:11:06,237
My girlfriend at the time...
Well, later became my wife...
152
00:11:06,484 --> 00:11:08,600
...but that's another tragic tale.
153
00:11:09,444 --> 00:11:12,595
- had this little habit of shouting at me
while I was in the game.
154
00:11:12,844 --> 00:11:15,517
Of course, I hated that, so of course,
she shouted at me...
155
00:11:15,764 --> 00:11:17,720
...one time
when a 300-pound linebacker...
156
00:11:17,964 --> 00:11:19,875
...was barrelling down on me...
157
00:11:20,124 --> 00:11:23,560
...and when I came to,
I had two kids and was selling shoes.
158
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:27,201
- Whoa, tough luck.
- Well, but I bounced right back.
159
00:11:27,444 --> 00:11:30,197
I mean, when I'm 65
I'll get the golden shoehorn.
160
00:11:30,444 --> 00:11:34,278
Which I can sharpen
and fall onto when I'm 66.
161
00:11:34,644 --> 00:11:38,876
So, what I'm trying to say, son,
is learn from my mistakes.
162
00:11:39,124 --> 00:11:42,116
Don't ever let a woman
take over your life.
163
00:11:42,364 --> 00:11:45,401
Oh, you don't have to worry
about me, Mr. Bundy.
164
00:11:45,644 --> 00:11:48,442
I'm way too young to fall in love.
165
00:11:49,004 --> 00:11:51,154
Hey, Daddy, guess what?
166
00:12:07,124 --> 00:12:09,160
Oh, pumpkin?
167
00:12:10,284 --> 00:12:12,240
Oh, Chad?
168
00:12:13,324 --> 00:12:15,155
Oh, no!
169
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:24,593
So anyway, Marcie,
I just tripled a few of the ingredients.
170
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:29,998
Well, actually, I tripled the sugar
and added a little bit more caffeine.
171
00:12:30,564 --> 00:12:33,124
So tell me,
do you think it's too much?
172
00:12:33,364 --> 00:12:35,275
No, I think they're great.
Give me more.
173
00:12:35,524 --> 00:12:38,994
I don't care what the scientists say
about sugar, they lie. I hate them all.
174
00:12:40,244 --> 00:12:42,235
Al's home. I hate you.
Welcome home, Al.
175
00:12:42,484 --> 00:12:44,202
How was your day?
I've had a great day.
176
00:12:44,404 --> 00:12:46,964
Haven't got my tax refund.
It'll come soon. Gonna be big.
177
00:12:47,204 --> 00:12:50,162
Have you tasted Peggy's bonbons?
I wonder what's on TV tonight.
178
00:12:50,364 --> 00:12:53,356
It's Sunday. Oh, no, Carlin's on.
Al's home. Hi, Al.
179
00:13:01,604 --> 00:13:04,994
Who put the battery
in the Energizer Chicken?
180
00:13:06,604 --> 00:13:11,280
Gee, maybe I made this batch
a tad too sweet.
181
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,480
Here, Buck, what do you think?
182
00:13:13,724 --> 00:13:16,033
Peg, have you seen Kelly and Chad?
183
00:13:16,284 --> 00:13:17,797
Yeah. They went to the zoo.
184
00:13:18,044 --> 00:13:20,000
Yeah, but I heard
he missed practice today.
185
00:13:20,244 --> 00:13:23,077
- So?
- So? Peg, don't you understand...
186
00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:24,552
...if Chad doesn't...
187
00:13:29,164 --> 00:13:32,839
You know, it's not gonna be
a pretty sight when she crashes.
188
00:13:34,164 --> 00:13:35,392
Or when he does.
189
00:13:35,644 --> 00:13:39,000
I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna wait
until they're asleep, then kill them.
190
00:13:39,204 --> 00:13:42,958
Then I'm gonna eat them. Kill them,
eat them, then bury their bones.
191
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,357
I knew this would happen.
192
00:13:45,604 --> 00:13:48,721
Kelly's making it hard for Chad
to concentrate on the game.
193
00:13:48,964 --> 00:13:52,195
Relax, Al.
They're just a couple of kids in love.
194
00:13:52,444 --> 00:13:54,833
They remind me of us
when we were that age.
195
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,757
That's exactly why
I have to put a stop to it.
196
00:14:02,044 --> 00:14:05,957
I used to have such pretty hair.
197
00:14:06,204 --> 00:14:10,641
Where, oh, where is my pretty hair?
198
00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,357
I'm getting old.
199
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:18,153
I knew it when I stopped
lifting my leg to pee.
200
00:14:20,044 --> 00:14:23,161
My God, I'm peeing right now.
201
00:14:29,404 --> 00:14:33,716
Help me, bonbon lady,
please help me.
202
00:14:33,964 --> 00:14:36,239
Oh, come on, Marcie.
203
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:38,475
Maybe shopping
will make you feel better.
204
00:14:38,724 --> 00:14:42,603
Well, it would
if my income tax would come.
205
00:14:42,844 --> 00:14:47,201
By the way, do you know
that your dog is wetting the floor?
206
00:14:47,444 --> 00:14:52,438
Yeah, but in his defence,
at least he wasn't aiming for the toilet.
207
00:14:55,244 --> 00:14:58,680
You know, I feel really good
about this biology exam.
208
00:14:58,924 --> 00:15:02,997
I mean, with all this knowledge
of animals, maybe I'll be a veteran.
209
00:15:06,124 --> 00:15:07,682
It's not "veteran."
210
00:15:07,924 --> 00:15:10,074
It's "vegetarian."
211
00:15:12,204 --> 00:15:15,196
God, you're smart.
212
00:15:15,524 --> 00:15:17,799
God, you're wonderful.
213
00:15:18,044 --> 00:15:19,602
I have to go upstairs for a minute.
214
00:15:19,844 --> 00:15:21,721
Daddy, will you entertain
Chad for me?
215
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,000
Certainly, pumpkin.
216
00:15:26,164 --> 00:15:30,760
- She's beautiful, isn't she?
- Yes, she certainly is.
217
00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:33,598
What do you think
you're doing, Chad?
218
00:15:34,004 --> 00:15:35,801
You missed football practice today.
219
00:15:36,044 --> 00:15:37,602
There was practice today?
220
00:15:37,844 --> 00:15:39,721
Man, time just stops
when I'm with Kelly.
221
00:15:40,404 --> 00:15:42,713
Chad, you do not want Kelly.
222
00:15:42,964 --> 00:15:47,003
From the moment she was conceived
she's ruined men's lives.
223
00:15:47,764 --> 00:15:51,677
All men.
Swaggart, Bakker, Kennedy...
224
00:15:52,404 --> 00:15:54,634
...Kennedy, Kennedy...
225
00:15:56,284 --> 00:15:58,354
...Swaggart again.
226
00:15:58,764 --> 00:16:01,437
- Please don't make me relive this.
- But, Mr. Bundy...
227
00:16:01,684 --> 00:16:03,356
...Kelly is very special to me.
228
00:16:03,604 --> 00:16:06,357
And it's not just a physical thing.
229
00:16:06,604 --> 00:16:08,959
Well, it's mostly physical.
230
00:16:09,444 --> 00:16:10,877
Listen to me, Chad.
231
00:16:11,124 --> 00:16:16,198
You must forget about Kelly
and concentrate on the game.
232
00:16:16,444 --> 00:16:17,923
Chad?
233
00:16:20,884 --> 00:16:22,761
Chad?
234
00:16:24,004 --> 00:16:26,996
If I was younger and didn't
have a 20-pound bonbon in my belly...
235
00:16:27,244 --> 00:16:29,121
...l'd play that game myself.
236
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,355
What game?
237
00:16:33,764 --> 00:16:37,074
- Hi, Chad.
- Hi, Kelly.
238
00:16:47,044 --> 00:16:48,875
I missed you so much.
239
00:16:49,124 --> 00:16:50,557
I'll never leave you again.
240
00:16:50,804 --> 00:16:53,364
Oh, except when I have to go
to the bathroom.
241
00:16:53,604 --> 00:16:56,596
- Oh, Kelly.
- Oh, Chad.
242
00:17:07,244 --> 00:17:10,600
So I'm out $17.34.
243
00:17:10,844 --> 00:17:13,722
So I'll just take it
from the register tomorrow.
244
00:17:15,004 --> 00:17:17,199
Al, you're the greatest.
245
00:17:17,444 --> 00:17:20,004
When I told my bookie
this inside information...
246
00:17:20,244 --> 00:17:23,281
...he bet a hundred grand
of his own money.
247
00:17:23,884 --> 00:17:27,354
Even the jukebox guys are in on it.
248
00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:33,124
With their 500 grand,
my 200 and your $17.34...
249
00:17:33,364 --> 00:17:35,241
...we're gonna make a killing.
250
00:17:35,484 --> 00:17:38,157
You're gonna be a hero, Al.
251
00:17:38,404 --> 00:17:40,679
You're gonna be kibble, Al.
252
00:17:42,164 --> 00:17:45,713
Now, pumpkin, I want you to know
that I'm very fond of Chad...
253
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:49,434
...and I know that you're very happy
with him...
254
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:53,234
...but I think maybe it's time
you started seeing other guys.
255
00:17:53,484 --> 00:17:56,999
Daddy, I do see other guys.
256
00:17:58,284 --> 00:18:02,243
They're everywhere. I see them driving,
I see them walking, at the park.
257
00:18:02,484 --> 00:18:04,839
Pumpkin!
That's not what Daddy meant.
258
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:10,363
I meant, I think it's time you
started to date other guys.
259
00:18:10,604 --> 00:18:13,277
Daddy, I am mature enough
to make my own decisions.
260
00:18:13,524 --> 00:18:15,594
You do anything to stand
between me and Chad...
261
00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:17,920
...I am gonna hold my breast
until I turn blue.
262
00:18:18,124 --> 00:18:20,035
Okay.
263
00:18:21,324 --> 00:18:22,598
Okay, okay.
264
00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:27,076
If Chad is what you want,
I will not stand in your way.
265
00:18:29,604 --> 00:18:34,473
I said if Chad is what you want,
I will not stand in your way.
266
00:18:41,284 --> 00:18:43,639
Well, glory be...
267
00:18:43,884 --> 00:18:48,116
...pumpkin, look,
it's your old boyfriend, Stab Wound.
268
00:18:49,684 --> 00:18:52,073
Hey, Stab,
well, what are you doing here?
269
00:18:52,324 --> 00:18:54,235
Well, you called, and...
270
00:18:55,204 --> 00:18:57,718
How long has it been, Stab?
About five years?
271
00:18:57,964 --> 00:19:01,161
- Three. Good behaviour.
- Come on in here.
272
00:19:01,404 --> 00:19:05,158
Kelly, you remember Stab Wound,
don't you?
273
00:19:07,924 --> 00:19:10,484
Say hello, Kelly.
274
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,040
- Get out.
- Okay.
275
00:19:22,524 --> 00:19:24,799
Well, that was 20 bucks well spent.
276
00:19:25,804 --> 00:19:28,602
All right, look, pumpkin,
I'm gonna level with you.
277
00:19:28,844 --> 00:19:30,641
At tomorrow's game...
278
00:19:30,884 --> 00:19:34,081
...there's gonna be some very powerful
men who will not breathe easy...
279
00:19:34,324 --> 00:19:35,882
...until Chad wins the game.
280
00:19:37,004 --> 00:19:41,361
Well, maybe if they used both nostrils
they'd breathe easier in the first place.
281
00:19:42,124 --> 00:19:46,640
Pumpkin, do you wanna go trolling
in Lake Michigan for your Daddy?
282
00:19:46,884 --> 00:19:48,476
- No.
- All right.
283
00:19:48,724 --> 00:19:51,682
Then you have to make sure
that Chad's team wins.
284
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,757
Understand? Chad's team has to win.
285
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,397
Gin. I win again.
286
00:19:59,644 --> 00:20:02,954
Yeah, this sure beats the hell
out of having sex.
287
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:04,842
Well, I better get off to the game.
288
00:20:05,084 --> 00:20:06,961
How about a kiss goodbye?
289
00:20:07,364 --> 00:20:11,357
No sugar
until after you win the game.
290
00:20:18,724 --> 00:20:21,761
- Right after?
- Right after.
291
00:20:22,004 --> 00:20:25,314
Man, I'm gonna smoke that team.
292
00:20:27,364 --> 00:20:28,922
Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
293
00:20:29,164 --> 00:20:31,598
I have a good-luck charm for you.
Daddy, is it okay?
294
00:20:31,844 --> 00:20:34,677
- It's fine, pumpkin.
- Oh, good. Come on.
295
00:20:37,284 --> 00:20:41,038
Now, wait here. It's a surprise.
296
00:20:42,204 --> 00:20:43,637
I gotta hand it to you, Al.
297
00:20:43,884 --> 00:20:45,761
Now I'm gonna be able
to prove to Marcie...
298
00:20:45,964 --> 00:20:48,353
...that I am financially responsible.
299
00:20:48,604 --> 00:20:50,515
- Where is Marcie?
- In jail.
300
00:20:50,764 --> 00:20:54,962
She slapped an IRS agent
for not giving her a refund cheque.
301
00:20:55,844 --> 00:20:59,917
- Okay, here it is.
- This is your good-luck charm?
302
00:21:00,164 --> 00:21:01,483
Yeah. His name is Skittles.
303
00:21:01,724 --> 00:21:04,636
And as long as he's near you
nothing bad can happen to you.
304
00:21:04,884 --> 00:21:06,112
Here.
305
00:21:07,804 --> 00:21:08,953
Wait...
306
00:21:09,164 --> 00:21:10,802
...the pig is my good-luck charm.
307
00:21:11,044 --> 00:21:13,274
That's my evil giraffe, Gonzar!
308
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:19,282
Chad! Chad!
309
00:21:19,524 --> 00:21:22,561
- Say something, Chad!
- I think I broke my arm.
310
00:21:22,804 --> 00:21:25,079
Say something else.
311
00:21:25,324 --> 00:21:27,315
I know I broke my arm.
312
00:21:27,564 --> 00:21:29,680
Al! The bet!
313
00:21:29,924 --> 00:21:32,154
What are we gonna do?
314
00:21:38,884 --> 00:21:41,796
And that's the final score.
The Tremaine Jacksons. 56.
315
00:21:42,044 --> 00:21:44,797
The Sonora Screaming
Desert Tortoises. 3.
316
00:21:45,044 --> 00:21:48,514
We did it! We did it! I'm rich.
317
00:21:48,764 --> 00:21:51,403
How about that performance
from the Windy City Condoms'...
318
00:21:51,604 --> 00:21:54,516
...player of the game,
the quarterback, Chad Dowling?
319
00:21:55,964 --> 00:21:58,239
Chad, come on over here, buddy.
Let me talk to you.
320
00:21:58,964 --> 00:22:03,401
Now, you threw for five touchdown
passes, you ran for two more...
321
00:22:03,644 --> 00:22:05,362
...you set a new collegiate record.
322
00:22:05,604 --> 00:22:08,118
Tell me, what are you gonna do now?
- Well...
323
00:22:08,364 --> 00:22:10,924
...l'm going to Disneyland.1
00:01:37,777 --> 00:01:40,052
You wouldn't know this,
but it's tough out there...
2
00:01:40,257 --> 00:01:43,135
...for those of us without a couch
growing out of our butt.
3
00:01:45,697 --> 00:01:48,848
A fat woman Godzilla's
into the shoe store today...
4
00:01:49,097 --> 00:01:52,055
...asks for something she could wear
to walk in the woods.
5
00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:54,527
Jokingly, I suggest she wear a sign
that says:
6
00:01:54,737 --> 00:01:57,490
"Don't shoot.
From the front I look human."
7
00:01:59,097 --> 00:02:02,055
You'd think a woman could take
a little good-humoured teasing...
8
00:02:02,257 --> 00:02:03,485
...but what does she do?
9
00:02:03,737 --> 00:02:06,126
Complains to the owner,
gets a gift certificate...
10
00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:08,214
...for $200 worth of free shoes.
11
00:02:08,457 --> 00:02:11,017
And you know whose pay cheque
that's gonna come out of.
12
00:02:11,737 --> 00:02:12,965
- Kelly's?
- Damn right...
13
00:02:13,177 --> 00:02:15,645
...if I could find out
where she hides her purse.
14
00:02:17,497 --> 00:02:19,533
Now for something I wanna look at.
15
00:02:19,777 --> 00:02:21,608
And now on Fox.
16
00:02:21,857 --> 00:02:24,655
It's the new adventures
of Psycho Dad.
17
00:02:24,897 --> 00:02:26,888
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
18
00:02:27,137 --> 00:02:30,288
- Who is the tall dark stranger there?
- There
19
00:02:30,537 --> 00:02:34,007
The one with the gun
And the icy stare
20
00:02:34,257 --> 00:02:37,932
The one with the scalp
Of his ex-wife's hair
21
00:02:38,177 --> 00:02:39,929
- Psycho Dad
- Pyscho Dad
22
00:02:40,177 --> 00:02:43,567
- Psycho Dad, Pyscho Dad
- Psycho Dad, Pyscho Dad
23
00:02:43,817 --> 00:02:48,288
He's a durn good pa
But he hates the law
24
00:02:48,497 --> 00:02:50,692
- Chopping Reno to eat it raw
- Raw
25
00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:54,646
- Psycho Dad!
- Psycho Dad!
26
00:03:00,137 --> 00:03:02,651
Now with less violence,
but more kinky sex and nudity...
27
00:03:02,857 --> 00:03:04,449
...for a cleaner and saner America.
28
00:03:04,657 --> 00:03:06,454
Oh, Peg, I'm so excited.
29
00:03:06,697 --> 00:03:08,574
Al, I hate Psycho Dad. Can't we just...?
30
00:03:08,817 --> 00:03:10,489
There's nothing
in heaven and earth...
31
00:03:10,697 --> 00:03:13,257
...that will stop me
from watching Psycho Dad.
32
00:03:21,617 --> 00:03:25,007
So this God person,
what do you think she looks like?
33
00:03:33,697 --> 00:03:36,052
Hey, it smells like
something's cooking in here.
34
00:03:36,297 --> 00:03:38,492
Our TV set blew up.
35
00:03:38,737 --> 00:03:41,012
"Buy a second-hand TV," you said.
36
00:03:41,257 --> 00:03:44,169
"For 10 bucks you can't go wrong,"
you said.
37
00:03:44,697 --> 00:03:48,656
Well, now look. Twenty years later
and the damn thing's broken.
38
00:03:51,697 --> 00:03:54,973
Al, what is the big deal?
Just go out and buy a new one.
39
00:03:55,817 --> 00:04:00,572
We'll just buy a new one. Well, spank
my bottom, why didn't I think of that.
40
00:04:00,897 --> 00:04:03,775
Hello, Wally's World of free TVs?
41
00:04:04,017 --> 00:04:07,930
What do you have on sale today
for absolutely nothing?
42
00:04:08,897 --> 00:04:10,569
Guys, I got a solution...
43
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:14,173
...though God knows
it's not for all your problems.
44
00:04:15,897 --> 00:04:18,775
They have tryouts for a new
game show called Touchdown Trivia.
45
00:04:19,017 --> 00:04:23,568
First prize is $10,000 and there's
no one who knows more about sports...
46
00:04:23,777 --> 00:04:26,371
...or is more trivial than you, Al.
47
00:04:27,577 --> 00:04:29,852
$10,000?
With that, I could buy a big screen...
48
00:04:30,057 --> 00:04:31,809
...a satellite dish, have money left...
49
00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:34,895
...to change the locks in the house
and watch all this in peace.
50
00:04:36,337 --> 00:04:38,407
I'm going to those auditions.
51
00:04:39,657 --> 00:04:42,012
- Don't wait up for me.
- I wasn't going to.
52
00:04:43,097 --> 00:04:45,292
I was talking to Jefferson.
53
00:04:51,017 --> 00:04:54,089
First, let me congratulate you
on passing the written test.
54
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:57,170
For the finals, we'll play
a simulated game of sports trivia...
55
00:04:57,377 --> 00:04:58,605
...both national and local.
56
00:04:58,817 --> 00:05:00,535
- Any questions?
- I'd like to know...
57
00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:02,893
Yeah, places please.
58
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:10,485
Now we will introduce our host,
Travis James.
59
00:05:21,697 --> 00:05:25,087
Man, I hate rehearsals.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
60
00:05:25,337 --> 00:05:27,726
First contestant is Al Bundy.
61
00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:29,535
Yes, Travis. I was born...
62
00:05:29,737 --> 00:05:33,252
Then we go to our second contestant,
Max Weinberg.
63
00:05:33,497 --> 00:05:35,727
Max... That's short for...
64
00:05:37,177 --> 00:05:38,974
Nothing. Fine. Okay.
65
00:05:39,217 --> 00:05:42,971
- Our third contestant is Mike McKenzy.
- Hi, Travis.
66
00:05:43,257 --> 00:05:46,613
Don't speak to me, Mike.
It's just a rehearsal, okay?
67
00:05:46,857 --> 00:05:50,088
Now it's time for Touchdown Trivia.
68
00:05:50,337 --> 00:05:51,690
Okay, contestants...
69
00:05:51,937 --> 00:05:54,895
...we're all familiar with the famous
running back O.J. Simpson.
70
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:58,254
For five yards,
what do the initials O.J. stand for?
71
00:05:58,977 --> 00:06:01,445
- AI.
- Orenthal James.
72
00:06:01,697 --> 00:06:03,892
That's correct!
73
00:06:10,177 --> 00:06:12,452
Eat my dust.
74
00:06:13,697 --> 00:06:17,167
Okay, the second question.
What was the World Bowl?
75
00:06:18,377 --> 00:06:20,732
- AI.
- Title game of the now defunct...
76
00:06:20,937 --> 00:06:24,612
...World Football League.
Travis, excuse me.
77
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:26,045
Do you want me to rush...
78
00:06:26,257 --> 00:06:29,488
...or you want me to pretend
that I have to think about these?
79
00:06:32,337 --> 00:06:35,647
Here's a 10-yard question.
What occupational oddity is shared...
80
00:06:35,897 --> 00:06:39,446
...by Henry Aaron,
Willie Mays and Babe Ruth?
81
00:06:39,697 --> 00:06:42,769
- Mike.
- They're all baseball players.
82
00:06:43,017 --> 00:06:46,976
Been in this country long, Mike?
Be a little more specific, please.
83
00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:50,932
- Max.
- All Hall of Fame baseball players.
84
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:53,850
Dress a Barbie, Max.
85
00:06:54,697 --> 00:06:57,370
Let a real man answer this.
86
00:06:57,617 --> 00:07:00,973
They all started and ended
their careers in the same city...
87
00:07:01,217 --> 00:07:04,846
...but for different teams.
- That is correct.
88
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:15,293
Next question. Can you name one
of two women golfers to win...? Max.
89
00:07:15,537 --> 00:07:17,016
- Mickey Wright.
- Correct.
90
00:07:18,857 --> 00:07:21,655
Women's golf is not a sport.
91
00:07:23,857 --> 00:07:26,735
Neither is spitting for distance.
92
00:07:26,977 --> 00:07:29,172
But it can be.
93
00:07:29,777 --> 00:07:31,051
Women's golf.
94
00:07:31,297 --> 00:07:35,210
All right, next question. What famous
Native American midget wrestler...?
95
00:07:35,457 --> 00:07:36,890
- AI.
- Skylo Low.
96
00:07:37,097 --> 00:07:38,291
That's correct.
97
00:08:24,777 --> 00:08:30,056
Okay, Mr. Bundy, our final question
pertains to a local sporting event.
98
00:08:31,657 --> 00:08:36,014
What high school has won the most
city championships in baseball?
99
00:08:36,377 --> 00:08:40,052
- The O'Leary Bucket Kickers.
- Correct.
100
00:08:45,137 --> 00:08:48,493
Congratulations to have mastered
that amount of sports knowledge...
101
00:08:48,697 --> 00:08:51,575
...I can only assume
you have absolutely no life.
102
00:08:51,817 --> 00:08:54,251
None whatsoever, Travis.
103
00:08:54,697 --> 00:08:58,656
By the way, when do you guys want
me to come back for the real thing?
104
00:09:01,817 --> 00:09:05,332
Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Bundy,
we won't be having you back at all.
105
00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:09,286
What? Well, how come? I won.
106
00:09:09,937 --> 00:09:14,567
Well, according to our researchers, you
scored extremely low in personality.
107
00:09:16,537 --> 00:09:18,573
Oh, how...? How low?
108
00:09:18,817 --> 00:09:23,129
Well, let me put it to you this way. It
was somewhere between Joe Piscopo...
109
00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:26,449
...and the fat kid who played
on Head of the Class.
110
00:09:27,137 --> 00:09:30,095
Look, you know what?
If I liked you at all, I'd really be sorry.
111
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,249
Well, but wait a second.
You can't do this to me. I'm a legend.
112
00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:36,933
I scored four touchdowns in one game
at Polk High.
113
00:09:41,257 --> 00:09:44,249
Four touchdowns
in high school football.
114
00:09:44,497 --> 00:09:46,089
Wow.
115
00:09:47,017 --> 00:09:49,133
Look, Mr. Bundy,
we're looking for people...
116
00:09:49,377 --> 00:09:51,891
...that are young, smart
and energetic.
117
00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:03,335
Or if you really want to be a shoe-in,
someone with sex appeal.
118
00:10:13,577 --> 00:10:17,126
I can't go on a sports-trivia show.
I don't know anything about sports.
119
00:10:17,337 --> 00:10:20,966
Well, so you went to class every day,
you don't know anything about school.
120
00:10:21,697 --> 00:10:23,688
Oh, yeah?
Then how come they gave me a thing?
121
00:10:23,897 --> 00:10:25,125
- A diploma?
- Yeah.
122
00:10:25,337 --> 00:10:28,170
Because you tried.
Sweetheart, please.
123
00:10:28,417 --> 00:10:30,055
It's for a new TV.
124
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:33,767
Come on. I'll tell you what,
I'll order the cartoon channel for you.
125
00:10:34,697 --> 00:10:36,653
Okay.
126
00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:40,487
I'll go upstairs and call in sick
for today. My boss isn't gonna like it...
127
00:10:40,737 --> 00:10:43,205
...but at least somebody's
appreciating me for my mind.
128
00:10:55,457 --> 00:10:56,731
It's the basement.
129
00:11:00,017 --> 00:11:03,248
Bud, now listen, you've helped
Kelly with her schoolwork.
130
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:07,854
Tell me, is she capable of,
you know, anything?
131
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:12,296
Oh, sure. You just gotta work
within her limitations.
132
00:11:13,177 --> 00:11:14,974
Kelly's brain...
133
00:11:16,297 --> 00:11:18,049
Kelly's brain...
134
00:11:18,857 --> 00:11:20,085
...can hold anything.
135
00:11:20,297 --> 00:11:22,891
You just gotta make sure
of two things before you start.
136
00:11:23,137 --> 00:11:24,536
One, that it's totally empty.
137
00:11:24,777 --> 00:11:27,007
Well, we know that.
138
00:11:28,697 --> 00:11:31,848
And two, you gotta feed
her information slowly.
139
00:11:32,097 --> 00:11:34,406
A drop at a time until she's full.
140
00:11:34,657 --> 00:11:36,090
Full?
141
00:11:36,377 --> 00:11:40,006
Oh, yeah.
Kelly's brain can actually get full.
142
00:11:40,777 --> 00:11:42,335
Then you gotta be really careful...
143
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:46,650
...because each new fact after that
will totally replace an old one.
144
00:11:47,697 --> 00:11:51,849
That's how come she forgot to put on
a blouse the day she took driver's test.
145
00:11:52,897 --> 00:11:56,446
No wonder why her license
expires every 60 days.
146
00:11:57,737 --> 00:12:00,615
Daddy, they said okay.
What do I have to do?
147
00:12:00,897 --> 00:12:04,367
All right. Good, sweetheart. First, tell
me everything you know about sports.
148
00:12:05,097 --> 00:12:08,169
I know that you scored four
touchdowns in one game for Polk High.
149
00:12:08,697 --> 00:12:10,733
Very good. What else?
150
00:12:12,097 --> 00:12:15,328
Golf spelled backwards is flog.
151
00:12:19,857 --> 00:12:23,486
All right. I thought
this was gonna take a long time.
152
00:12:23,737 --> 00:12:25,853
Don't worry.
You just sit down right here.
153
00:12:26,097 --> 00:12:28,611
In 48 hours, you're gonna know
so much about sports...
154
00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:30,967
...you're gonna be like the son
I always wanted.
155
00:14:12,497 --> 00:14:16,934
And now on to yachting.
156
00:14:17,697 --> 00:14:19,369
Daddy?
157
00:14:28,777 --> 00:14:30,688
I'm full.
158
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,849
Thank God.
159
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:36,732
Well, we've got two hours
to catch up on our sleep.
160
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:41,016
Now, don't learn anything new
until this game show is over.
161
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,452
How am I supposed to do that?
162
00:14:43,777 --> 00:14:45,768
Follow your mother around.
163
00:14:57,657 --> 00:14:59,170
Welcome to Touchdown Trivia.
164
00:14:59,377 --> 00:15:02,653
Here's the star of our show,
Travis James.
165
00:15:07,737 --> 00:15:10,854
Okay. Okay, I know we're anxious
to win some money...
166
00:15:11,057 --> 00:15:15,130
...so let's get started, shall we?
Our first question in Touchdown Trivia:
167
00:15:15,337 --> 00:15:18,488
What national league batter
set the all-time record for strikeouts...
168
00:15:18,697 --> 00:15:21,973
...in a single season
despite batting over.300?
169
00:15:22,457 --> 00:15:24,368
- Mike.
- Bobby Bonds.
170
00:15:24,617 --> 00:15:27,450
One hundred
and 89 strikeouts in 1970.
171
00:15:27,657 --> 00:15:29,409
- That's correct.
- Yes.
172
00:15:32,257 --> 00:15:34,487
Hey, my buzzer didn't work.
173
00:15:34,737 --> 00:15:38,525
You've gotta squeeze the buzzer,
honey, don... Don't jerk it.
174
00:15:41,097 --> 00:15:43,247
Thanks. I learned something.
175
00:15:43,497 --> 00:15:46,330
Gee, so did I.
176
00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:50,728
Oh, no, Peg.
Travis put a thought into Kelly's head.
177
00:15:50,977 --> 00:15:53,730
That means she lost a fact.
178
00:15:53,977 --> 00:15:56,650
For another five yards.
What national hockey league team...
179
00:15:56,857 --> 00:15:59,246
...won only one game
in franchise history?
180
00:16:00,057 --> 00:16:02,730
- Kelly.
- Montreal Wanderers, 1917.
181
00:16:02,937 --> 00:16:05,246
Won their opener, lost five,
their stadium burned.
182
00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:07,169
Absolutely correct.
183
00:16:09,097 --> 00:16:11,213
Yes.
184
00:16:12,297 --> 00:16:15,255
All right, our next question
is in professional basketball.
185
00:16:15,497 --> 00:16:17,965
In the NBA,
who had the highest percentage...
186
00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:19,974
...of free throws in a single season?
187
00:16:20,697 --> 00:16:22,255
- Kelly.
- Calvin Murphy...
188
00:16:22,457 --> 00:16:25,654
...of the Houston Rockets
with a whopping 95.8 percent.
189
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:28,252
Right again.
190
00:16:32,497 --> 00:16:36,649
Now for 10 yards.
What do Karl Marx, Bob Dylan...
191
00:16:36,897 --> 00:16:39,457
...and heavyweight champion
Sonny Liston have in common?
192
00:16:40,137 --> 00:16:42,935
- Tony.
- They're all communists.
193
00:16:43,177 --> 00:16:46,567
No, that's not what we're looking for.
194
00:16:46,777 --> 00:16:48,130
Mike.
195
00:16:48,337 --> 00:16:50,532
Mamie Van Doren.
196
00:16:52,337 --> 00:16:53,850
Judges?
197
00:16:54,057 --> 00:16:57,288
No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Kelly.
198
00:16:57,537 --> 00:17:00,688
They're all on the cover of the
Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album.
199
00:17:01,057 --> 00:17:03,332
Slide that head.
200
00:17:09,977 --> 00:17:13,128
Oh, baby,
you're getting some tonight.
201
00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:17,611
Now before we continue,
let's meet our contestants.
202
00:17:17,857 --> 00:17:19,449
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?
203
00:17:19,697 --> 00:17:21,096
Travis might ask a question...
204
00:17:21,297 --> 00:17:25,051
...or worse, tell her something she
doesn't know. She'll lose another fact.
205
00:17:25,737 --> 00:17:28,092
- Our first contestant...
- I'm from Young...
206
00:17:28,337 --> 00:17:32,569
- is Kelly Bundy, a poison disseminator
from right here in Chicago.
207
00:17:32,817 --> 00:17:36,253
- So tell me, Ms. Bundy...
- She's married.
208
00:17:36,817 --> 00:17:40,526
Okay, that's enough chitchat,
let's get back to our game.
209
00:18:15,377 --> 00:18:18,653
Okay, contestants,
you're all even with 10 yards to go.
210
00:18:18,857 --> 00:18:20,893
You all have a chance
at the big money.
211
00:18:21,137 --> 00:18:25,016
This is for all the marbles.
The big enchilada.
212
00:18:25,257 --> 00:18:26,975
Here's the question.
213
00:18:28,177 --> 00:18:31,374
Who led the Chicago Bulls
in scoring six straight...
214
00:18:31,737 --> 00:18:33,614
- Tony.
- Michael Jordan.
215
00:18:33,897 --> 00:18:35,888
No, no, that's incorrect.
216
00:18:36,137 --> 00:18:38,093
Let me finish the question.
217
00:18:38,337 --> 00:18:43,127
Who led the Chicago Bulls in scoring
six straight seasons in the '70s?
218
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:45,927
- Kelly.
- Bob "Butterbean" Love.
219
00:18:46,177 --> 00:18:49,806
For 10 yards,
that's correct for the game.
220
00:18:57,377 --> 00:18:58,776
She did it. She did it.
221
00:18:59,017 --> 00:19:03,488
Oh, Al, can I have
some tomorrow night too?
222
00:19:03,857 --> 00:19:06,496
Not if I get that TV.
223
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:11,089
Now, Kelly, as you know, our bonus
question is always in local sports.
224
00:19:11,337 --> 00:19:13,532
You have $1000 that you can keep...
225
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,496
...but if not, you can go
for the run back question...
226
00:19:16,737 --> 00:19:22,016
...and a chance
at a check for $10,000.
227
00:19:30,697 --> 00:19:33,257
- Let's rock.
- Okay.
228
00:19:38,097 --> 00:19:42,375
Al, aren't you afraid they're gonna
ask her the one fact she lost?
229
00:19:42,577 --> 00:19:43,805
What are the odds of that?
230
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:47,248
I taught her more local stuff
than national, Peg. We can't lose.
231
00:19:47,497 --> 00:19:51,376
Okay, Kelly, for $10,000.
232
00:19:51,617 --> 00:19:53,892
In local high school football...
233
00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:57,607
...who scored four touchdowns
in one game...
234
00:19:57,857 --> 00:20:01,372
...for Polk High School
in the Chicago City Championship?
235
00:20:05,857 --> 00:20:09,770
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
236
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,414
- AI?
- This proves a personal theory of mine.
237
00:20:14,657 --> 00:20:17,217
The longer you suffer,
the greater the rewards.
238
00:20:17,457 --> 00:20:19,891
That's how the gods work.
239
00:20:20,337 --> 00:20:23,374
Then why won't the gods
let her answer?
240
00:20:27,257 --> 00:20:29,327
Polk High?
241
00:20:29,577 --> 00:20:31,647
Four touchdowns?
242
00:20:36,617 --> 00:20:38,335
Red squeeze buzzer?
243
00:20:39,657 --> 00:20:42,967
Oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
244
00:20:46,937 --> 00:20:49,212
The correct answer was, audience?
245
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,733
Al Bundy!
246
00:20:52,977 --> 00:20:54,376
You won't go empty-handed...
247
00:20:54,577 --> 00:20:56,852
...we have plenty of
consolation prizes for you...
248
00:20:57,057 --> 00:21:00,447
...and thanks for playing
Touchdown Trivia.
249
00:21:08,857 --> 00:21:10,529
Al?
250
00:21:10,817 --> 00:21:12,614
Yes, Peg.
251
00:21:12,937 --> 00:21:15,326
Am I still getting some?
252
00:21:16,737 --> 00:21:18,489
No, Peg.
253
00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:22,525
In fact, when we get home,
I just might take some back.
254
00:21:25,297 --> 00:21:29,176
Well, it's not 10 grand, but a new TV's
not a bad consolation prize.
255
00:21:29,417 --> 00:21:30,645
So you mean I did good?
256
00:21:31,217 --> 00:21:32,445
No.
257
00:21:33,937 --> 00:21:38,806
Oh, come on, Al.
You're proud of her. Now admit it.
258
00:21:39,937 --> 00:21:45,011
Well, you did your best, pumpkin,
so, yeah, I'm proud of you.
259
00:21:45,257 --> 00:21:47,009
Can we watch something
on the new TV?
260
00:21:47,257 --> 00:21:48,690
Sure, son.
261
00:21:48,937 --> 00:21:51,326
You know,
it doesn't get any better than this.
262
00:21:52,337 --> 00:21:55,807
Who's that ridin' across the plain?
263
00:21:56,057 --> 00:21:57,410
Who's lost count of the wives
264
00:21:57,617 --> 00:21:59,608
- He's slain?
- Slain?
265
00:21:59,857 --> 00:22:03,486
Who is the man who's plum insane?
266
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:06,928
Pyscho Dad
Psycho Dad
267
00:22:07,177 --> 00:22:10,613
Psycho Dad!1
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,716
Hi. I'm Billy Ray Wetnapp
for Pest Boys Extermination.
2
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,750
And I'm Kelly, your friendly
neighbourhood Verminator.
3
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,228
And if you're lik e me...
4
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,951
...there's nothing you love more
than a good old-fashion cook out.
5
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,634
But if there's one thing
that fries my frankfurter...
6
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,839
...it's sharing my buns
with a bunch of pesky insects.
7
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,310
Well, if bugs are making you sizzle...
8
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,677
...just pick up a can
of our newest insect repellent...
9
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,753
...Pure-T-Poison.
10
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,753
And to demonstrate
just how effective it is...
11
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,673
...we've sprayed the Verminator's
left arm with it...
12
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,390
...and if she wants her paycheque,
she'll have to stick that left arm...
13
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:07,031
...into this cage of ravenous
Samoan dragon beetles and tak e it.
14
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,236
- Left?
- Right.
15
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,993
Got you.
16
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:22,509
Boy, I tell you, I'd rather
have my ass caned in Singapore...
17
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,268
...than get bit by one of them.
18
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,078
Somebody shoot me!
Shoot me, please!
19
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,233
It's Manny, me and Ma
here at Pest Boys, where our motto is:
20
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,954
"The only good bugs
is named Bunny."
21
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,351
Although, we'd kill him too
if you paid us.
22
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,792
"Left? Right. Got you"?
23
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,190
You know, if you were any dumber,
my IQ would go down.
24
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:02,395
Bud, spare me your icky boy opinions
and let's get back to the side effects.
25
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,595
Look, all it says...
26
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,156
...is that Samoans use these beetles
to make a kind of truth serum.
27
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,753
Truth serum?
28
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,673
Yeah, you know,
it makes it impossible for you to lie.
29
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:16,112
For instance, if someone was to ask
you, "How much is two plus two?"
30
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,590
Now, you would have to be honest
and answer:
31
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,075
Oh, yeah?
32
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,635
Well, I may insult you back,
but deep down inside...
33
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,150
...I envy your intelligence
and hope you can't see through me.
34
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:39,189
Well, this could certainly be fun.
35
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,519
What am I gonna do?
36
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,718
- Hello?
- Hi, Bud.
37
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,918
Hi, Mom. How's everything
in Wanker County?
38
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,913
Oh, fine.
Grandma's doing much better.
39
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,789
It was just a mild heart attack,
but it took us all by surprise.
40
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,268
Oh, please.
41
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,717
Jupiter's got moons that weigh less
than she does.
42
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,390
By the way, Mom, Kelly's been
real anxious to talk to you.
43
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:08,868
Yeah. Hold on a second.
44
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,793
- No, I don't wanna... I don't wanna talk...
- Take the phone!
45
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,395
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
46
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,279
- How is everyone?
- All right, I guess.
47
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:22,514
Dad's at the shoe store
and Bud is holding his own.
48
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,398
- And how are you?
- Well, fine.
49
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:33,315
Especially considering
what a horrible role model you were.
50
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,235
But then again...
51
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,876
...you were too busy watching TV
and dyeing your hair, so...
52
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,320
I'll see you in a few weeks, Mom.
Yeah.
53
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,708
Oh, my God. Those stupid beetles have
me telling the truth to my own mother.
54
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,269
That is a squaw
that stroked the camel's sack.
55
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:03,035
Why can't I have a job I love
like everybody else?
56
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,277
Oh, God, I hate my job.
57
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,793
- Hey, Al?
- I'm back here, Jefferson!
58
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,909
Oh, hey, Al. What are you doing?
59
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,914
I'm doing some inventory.
What's going on with you?
60
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,995
Oh, Marcie's in another one
of her foul moods. PMS.
61
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,069
- You know, post-MasterCard syndrome.
- Yeah, I know.
62
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,033
I mean, she can charge anything
any time she wants...
63
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:52,035
...but let me buy one stinking
ivory-inlaid pool table...
64
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,276
Oh, well. You wanna come over...
65
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:59,513
...see what the limit on a Platinum card
looks like before they haul it away?
66
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,435
No, to tell you the truth, I'm looking
forward to a great night of sex.
67
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:08,352
- I thought Peggy was out of town.
- She is, that's what makes it so good.
68
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,997
Good one.
69
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,272
Do me a favour, hand me that box
of sandals over there, would you?
70
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:18,833
Oh, sure.
71
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,918
Hey, you know, maybe Marcie
could use a pair of sandals...
72
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,997
Hey!
73
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,712
- Jefferson, are you okay?
- I think I got whiplash.
74
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,235
I don't have no insurance.
75
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,549
Well, then I don't have whiplash.
76
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,470
Now, wait a second, Al...
77
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,039
Wait a second. There's a bunch
of boxes back here, Al.
78
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,196
- Give me a hand.
- Move them over here.
79
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,995
- Check this out.
- Man. What the hell?
80
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,638
Hey, Jefferson,
maybe this is Al Capone's treasure.
81
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:00,674
Why would Al Capone hide his treasure
in the wall of a women's shoe store?
82
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,150
Maybe he was dating
J. Edgar Hoover.
83
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,237
Come on, let's get this stuff outside.
84
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,435
It's pretty heavy.
85
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,513
Oh, please let it be money.
86
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,512
It's gotta be money.
I know it's money.
87
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,075
- I know it, I know it, I know it...
- It's shoes.
88
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,072
I knew it.
89
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:30,995
Shoes. Al, what kind of numskull
would hide shoes in a shoe store?
90
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,117
Me.
91
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,750
I didn't like doing inventory
in the '70s either.
92
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,398
The '70s.
93
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,154
The clothes, the shoes, the music.
94
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,675
Boy, did they suck.
95
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,631
Come on,
help me wall this stuff back up.
96
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,110
Oh, no, no, no. Wait a second, Al.
97
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,510
Don't you know what's going on
in the world?
98
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,070
Oh, look at me, Jefferson.
You know that I don't.
99
00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,034
Al, '70s fashions
are back in style now.
100
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,875
These shoes, my friend,
are worth a lot of money.
101
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,749
Yeah, right. These shoes cost
less than 20 bucks back then.
102
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:13,630
I know those shoes.
They were called Foxy Ladies.
103
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,872
I'll give you $200 for those.
Who do I pay?
104
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,832
Oh, yeah.
105
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,675
Jefferson, 100 bucks each.
You know what this means?
106
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,031
You have to put great sex off
for some other night?
107
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,390
Put it off?
Hell, I'm having it right now.
108
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,356
Hi, I'm Terry Murphy
with What's Hip in Chicago.
109
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,875
And today I'm standing
in what used to be called...
110
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:03,198
...Gary's Shoes and Accessories,
but thanks to the genius of one man...
111
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,000
That's... That's two men.
112
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,351
Two men.
- The hip, the trendy and pathetic...
113
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,677
...are flocking
to Al Bundy's House of Sole.
114
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,435
And now I'd like you to meet
the shoe guru himself...
115
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,518
...Mr. Al Bundy.
116
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,309
Four touchdowns in one game,
you say?
117
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,791
My, isn't that something?
118
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,474
But for the few viewers we have left,
Mr. Bundy...
119
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,473
...what inspired you to create
this environment?
120
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,109
Well, you see, Terr...
121
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,237
You don't mind if I call you Terr,
do you?
122
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,549
Yes, I mind.
123
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,752
Oh, well, you see, Terr,
I think that the...
124
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,197
I think the '70s symbolizes
the very best in America.
125
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,439
Take The Avengers, the Shelby Cobra,
"Bad Moon Rising."
126
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,148
That was the '60s.
127
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:26,516
Well, take Miami Vice, the DeLorean,
"Ebony and Ivory."
128
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,478
That was the '80s.
129
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,716
Well, what happened in the '70s?
130
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,469
The Ford Pinto, Diff'rent Strok es
and Billy Beer.
131
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,432
This is Terry Murphy
for What's Hip in Chicago...
132
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:47,514
...wishing I were Terry Murphy
for What's Hip in L.A.
133
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,354
Diff'rent Strok es, really?
134
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:55,319
Back to you, Bob. Cut.
135
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,397
Well, Dad, as near as I can count...
136
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,354
...you got 30 crates back there
with 10 pair of shoes per crate.
137
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:17,834
Oh, man.
138
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,993
That's 30 times something shoes.
139
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,990
That's exactly what Kelly said.
140
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,754
Right after, she said
your lack of parental guidance...
141
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,349
...was directly responsible
for her low self-esteem...
142
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,028
...and has coloured her relationship
with all men.
143
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,394
Oh, and your feet stink.
144
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,713
But she's still gonna model for me,
isn't she?
145
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,871
- Yeah.
- Then what are you bothering me for?
146
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,433
Go count some shoes.
147
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,189
Hey, Al.
148
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,557
We've cleared over 5 grand
today already.
149
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,439
And the more we raise the price,
the more they want them.
150
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:56,908
Oh, man.
151
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,793
- Oh, women are idiots.
- Yeah.
152
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,516
- You gotta love them.
- Yeah.
153
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,108
I gotta have some.
154
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,317
Not now, Marcie, I'm working.
155
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:22,109
Not you, a pair of these shoes.
156
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,716
Do you know what I was doing the last
time I was wearing shoes like these?
157
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,317
Inspiring Helen Reddy to write
her new song "I Am Poultry"?
158
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,638
Sitting with my friends
in a room full of incense...
159
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,917
...singing protest songs
like "Who'll Stop the Rain"...
160
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,835
..."Everyday People,"
"Kung Fu Fighting."
161
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,758
Our generation wasn't hung up
on material things.
162
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,673
- Do you have these in a nine?
- Give me those, they're mine!
163
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,115
Hey. Hey, now. Whoa, now.
Ladies. Ladie...
164
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,788
Now, my little super freak.
165
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,191
Now, there's a lot more
where this came from.
166
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,710
Kelly, a pair of Honey Wests, please.
167
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,149
Kelly, those shoes are so far-out.
168
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:21,554
They're trippy, they're groovy,
they're uptight, out of sight.
169
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,028
What do you think?
170
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,072
- Truthfully?
- Of course.
171
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,509
Well, since you asked, I think that
there's nothing more pathetic...
172
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,393
...than trying to relive your glory days
through your feet.
173
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,513
Much like your hairstyle, Mrs. D'Arcy,
the '70s are history.
174
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,029
It's just you
and Alvin the Chipmunk now.
175
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,879
At least he has a pleasant voice.
176
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,915
You'll have to forgive Kelly
for that Alvin crack.
177
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,357
Personally, I think your voice
sounds like Simon.
178
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,030
So, what are you gonna do
with your share, Al?
179
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,350
I always said
if I came into a little money...
180
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:13,075
...I'd spread it around the community.
You know, give a little to charity.
181
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,950
Of course, I just said that.
182
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:21,399
Yeah, I'll probably spend it all
on hookers and booze.
183
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,991
Or her.
184
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,115
Al. Al, that's Dominique...
185
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,828
...the highest-paid lingerie model
in the world.
186
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,755
Page 36, Soft and Slinky catalogue.
187
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,673
The plum-Lycra teddy?
188
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,635
I didn't recognize her
not straddling a cannon.
189
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,309
- Hi. Can somebody help me?
- Yes.
190
00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:01,673
My name is Al Bundy,
and I was born to rock your world.
191
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,355
Well, that answered
none of my questions.
192
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,034
I'm booked to appear on a TV special
this weekend...
193
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,879
...and I need some really funky shoes
to wear.
194
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,599
This is where you talk.
195
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,029
Oh, shoes? Oh, we got shoes.
196
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,589
Yeah, here's some shoes.
197
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,309
Oh, I like these.
198
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,279
- How much?
- For what?
199
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,078
- Oh, shoes?
- The shoes.
200
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,556
Oh, we got shoes.
Here's some shoes.
201
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,074
How much?
202
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,232
Well, for you I could probably
let them go for...
203
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,913
Free.
204
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,716
I wouldn't feel comfortable
just taking them.
205
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:56,238
No. I wouldn't feel comfortable
just giving them to you.
206
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,755
No, no, they're yours...
207
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:03,596
...providing, when you're on the show,
you mention where you got them.
208
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:04,994
That sounds fair.
209
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:10,189
You know, that's very, very kind of you.
I'll do it. Al Bundy's House of Sole.
210
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,558
Yeah, where the shoes are free
and the salesmen are morons.
211
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,435
What the hell did you do that for?
212
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,956
Al, it's a plug on network television.
213
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,589
Network, it means the whole country.
214
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,155
Not if it's NBC.
215
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,319
Look, Al, don't you see?
216
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,358
If she mentions the name of the store
on TV...
217
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,273
...we can sell these shoes
for anything we want.
218
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,796
This could be the biggest thing
that ever happened to you.
219
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,994
Bigger than high school football?
220
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,517
Even bigger than that.
221
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,035
God.
222
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:58,472
- Dad, you're out of shoes.
- Of course.
223
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,633
- Are you sure about this, Bud?
- What do I look like, an idiot?
224
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,150
You're still out of shoes.
225
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,914
And you still look like an idiot.
226
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,389
All right, no problem.
227
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,990
Now, there's gotta be dozens
of shoemakers in the phone book.
228
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,431
We'll just... We'll call one,
have him copy the shoes we have...
229
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:27,389
...and we'll say they're authentic.
230
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,676
Jefferson, won't making
all these new shoes...
231
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,632
...cost more money
than we already have?
232
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,594
No sweat.
We'll refinance your house.
233
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,792
Yeah, that should be easy
to get a sixth.
234
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,198
I gotta hand it to you, Jefferson...
235
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,635
...these knockoffs look just like
the originals.
236
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,031
Well, if you want the best,
you've gotta go to the best.
237
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,794
If it wouldn't be too much trouble
for thee...
238
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,077
...might I have a little
air conditioning?
239
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,714
No, thee may "noot."
240
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,310
Now, any more complaints out of you,
I'm gonna have your buckboard towed.
241
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,511
Now, get back in there to work.
242
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,276
Please, I gotta have these.
How much?
243
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,754
Oh, we don't know yet, ma'am.
244
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,389
The price won't be fixed
for a few more minutes.
245
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,918
All right, ladies, it's shoe time.
246
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:36,432
Excuse me.
247
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,948
Live at the Kennedy Center...
248
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:46,354
...welcome to Fox's first annual
Lingerie Award.
249
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:51,071
And here's our host, Dominique.
250
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,797
Not the body, you idiots, the shoes.
Show the shoes.
251
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,632
Before I present the first award...
252
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,230
...I'd lik e to thank a very special man
who has shoed my world.
253
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,550
- We're rich.
- Goodbye, Peg.
254
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,473
Hello, everybody else.
255
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,916
These shoes were a special gift...
256
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:16,113
...given to me by Al Bundy
of Al Bundy's House of Sole.
257
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,112
- Yes!
- Yes!
258
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,078
Methinks the price be fixed now.
259
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,435
And now, for the category
of Best Supporting Bra...
260
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,877
...in a comedy, musical
or news special...
261
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,914
Oh, my God, Dominique just fell
into the orchestra pit.
262
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,559
Ladies and gentlemen...
263
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,548
...the heel of Dominique's shoe
has fallen off.
264
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:44,351
It appears she has,
at the very least...
265
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:49,588
...brok en her leg in one, two,
three places.
266
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,876
Hello, Peg.
267
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,475
Goodbye, everybody else.
268
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,314
And it's all because
of one shoddy shoe...
269
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,795
...from Al Bundy's House of Sole.
270
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,837
You know,
why don't they just spell it?
271
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:09,632
That's A-L B-U-N-D-Y apostrophe S
House of Sole.
272
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,190
Serving number one.
Serving... Serving number two.
273
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:20,514
Serving... Serving three through 99.
274
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:25,077
Serving life
without the possibility of parole!
275
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,510
So it is true that one of thy shoes...
276
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,433
...hast broken the leg
of fabulous supermodel Dominique?
277
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,749
Afraid so.
278
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,111
Thou art waist-deep
in the big muddy.
279
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,232
Waist-deep and upside down.
280
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,153
Go raise a barn, Hiram.
281
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,390
Well, listen, Al...
282
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,269
...if there's anything I can do,
you just name it.
283
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,829
- Well, Jefferson, you...
- See you.
284
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,999
Well, I guess there's nothing
left to do...
285
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,918
...but close up.1
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,279
Life with the wife out of town.
2
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,155
Now, this is marriage.
3
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,878
Forgot something.
4
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,393
But now that things
are going so good...
5
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,392
...I know what's going to happen.
6
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,629
Dad.
7
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,511
Dad, I need $700.
8
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,228
No problem. We'll sell the house.
9
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,392
Of course, we'll have to come up
with 500 bucks more.
10
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,077
Dad, I'm serious.
11
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,312
My entire academic career
depends on it.
12
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,916
I wanna go to Oktoberfest
in Milwaukee with the fraternity.
13
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,358
We're gonna ogle women
and eat sausages.
14
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:41,434
Well, aside from the women and
sausages, you can do that right here.
15
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,158
- Dad, everybody's going.
- Everybody's not going.
16
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,359
I'm not going, Buck's not going
and you're not going.
17
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,516
I don't care what anyone says.
I'm going.
18
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,591
Now, son, there are other ways
of getting money without asking me.
19
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,875
Yeah, but Mom's not here
and I don't have a body like Kelly's.
20
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,638
I was talking about a job.
21
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,034
Job?
22
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,590
God, you look just like your mother
when you say that.
23
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,831
Have you forgotten
that I'm in college?
24
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,513
No, son, and I'm proud of you.
25
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,070
But if you want money, you should do
what a wise man once said:
26
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,191
"Get a job."
27
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,631
Okay. Fine. Fine.
28
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:42,237
But this, much like your honeymoon,
will come back to haunt you.
29
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,032
Now, where were we?
30
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,311
Hello, Peg.
31
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,916
- Hello, Peg.
- How'd you know it was me, Al?
32
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,038
I actually heard God laugh.
33
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,034
Honey, I have great news.
34
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:21,192
Mom has taken her first step
since her heart attack.
35
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,590
Did you alert Tokyo?
36
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,712
You know, she never liked you, Al.
37
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,599
That's because I'm not cream-filled.
38
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,391
Goodbye, Peg. Thanks for calling.
39
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,039
- AI.
- What?
40
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,111
Honey, now that Mom
is feeling better...
41
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,555
...she wants to try to improve her
appearance.
42
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,268
What about aluminium siding?
43
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,074
No, Al.
44
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,840
I wanna get her some of the nail polish
that she wants...
45
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,076
...but I can't remember
what shade she likes.
46
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,833
Chocolate?
47
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,514
Honey, it's in the catalogue
that she sent me.
48
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,591
What catalogue, Peg?
49
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:05,197
It's called X.X.L.L. Bean.
50
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,791
And I put it with the mail.
51
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,395
Where is the mail, Gracie?
52
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,872
Where it always is, Al. In the oven.
53
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,314
You know, Peg, I hope there's
nothing important in here.
54
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,039
Come on, Al, don't you know...
55
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,800
...if there's something important,
I'm gonna to tell you.
56
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,239
"Free tickets to the Chicago Bulls '91
playoff game."
57
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,113
"Notice: Local drinking water
contamination."
58
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,874
I thought you said there was
nothing important in here.
59
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,238
You meant for you.
60
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,676
- All right, I found the catalogue.
- All right.
61
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,397
Turn to page eight.
I've circled the nail polish.
62
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,912
"Minimizing Red"?
63
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,276
Oh, that's it.
64
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,159
Thanks, Al.
Hey, you want me to put Mom on?
65
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,674
Yeah.
66
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,869
"Driver's license renewal notice.
67
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,236
Send this form in 10 days...
68
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,995
...and we'll automatically renew
your driver's license."
69
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,558
Here's a second notice.
70
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:21,513
"Send completed test within five days
or your driver's license will expire."
71
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,069
Gee, here's the third.
72
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,150
"When at a four-way stop,
who has the right of way?
73
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,233
A, the guy on the left,
B, the guy on the right...
74
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,836
...or C, the guy
not driving the Dodge?"
75
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,956
Let me see that. It doesn't say that.
76
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,872
It does say that.
77
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,757
All right, next question,
"When towing a trailer..."
78
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,673
Skip it!
They never ask trailer questions.
79
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,990
If it's in the book,
it could be on the test.
80
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,151
Test, test, test... If it wasn't for Peg...
81
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,191
...I wouldn't have to take the test.
82
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:06,718
Expired driver's license.
Why can't a marriage license do that?
83
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,159
Ask me the next question.
84
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,836
- "What's your blind spot?"
- Two beers and a redhead.
85
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,193
Could life suck enough?
86
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:32,953
What's wrong, pumpkin?
87
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:37,155
Look what they want me to wear
on my next Verminator commercial.
88
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,713
It's just humiliating.
It's totally beneath me.
89
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,717
I don't wanna do commercials
in a bikini.
90
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,669
I wanna do films
where I'm totally naked...
91
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,717
...or at least
with that "Hey, Vern" guy.
92
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,951
Daddy, I'm afraid
if I keep doing this...
93
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,476
...people are gonna think
that I'm all body and no...
94
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,837
Mind?
95
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,798
No, I don't mind, go ahead.
96
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,518
I tried to talk to my boss about it...
97
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,757
...but all he wanted to do
was buy me more drinks.
98
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,433
Daddy, what should I do?
99
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:30,313
I think what Al means is...
100
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,152
...you have to be firm.
101
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,631
When my boss orders me to do
something that I don't agree with...
102
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:39,236
...I honestly say what I want
and then I threaten to quit.
103
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,309
Well, then
what does Mrs. D'Arcy say?
104
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,948
Usually, "Was that it?"
105
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,828
But the point is that
you are the Verminator.
106
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,911
You hold the cards.
107
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:01,836
You have to demand that your employer
take you seriously or else.
108
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,116
You're right. Thank you, Mr. D'Arcy.
109
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,715
- My pleasure.
- Thanks, Daddy.
110
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,153
- Is she gone?
- Yeah.
111
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,039
- And the boy's gone, right?
- Yup.
112
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,671
Thank God I only had sex
with Peg twice.
113
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:26,071
Well, time to take my test.
114
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,551
Hey, Al, aren't you gonna pack
a lunch for that long wait in line?
115
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,349
No, because I had the foresight
to make an appointment.
116
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,909
I spit on the line!
117
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,995
I just arrive in country.
118
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,912
Can I take test now?
119
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,473
Of course.
120
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,874
I just arrive in country.
121
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:16,833
Can I take test now?
122
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:18,913
I'm sorry, sir.
123
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,957
You have an appointment.
124
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,359
Al Boondy.
125
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:42,070
- That's... That's Bundy.
- Sorry.
126
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,756
Anyway, Mr. Boondy,
you've made it to the written test.
127
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,228
What language do you speak?
128
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,909
Speak the same language
as everybody in this country.
129
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,957
Oh, Spanish.
130
00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,110
I don't speak Spanish, you idiot!
I speak American.
131
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,878
American?
132
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,998
American. American...
133
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,755
Here's one.
134
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,035
Whoa, I hope you know a lot
about towing trailers.
135
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:22,919
Congratulations, Mr. Boondy,
you've failed.
136
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,079
Oh, come on, this is my third time.
Can't you just pass me?
137
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,669
We are very serious
about who we give licenses to.
138
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,275
Here's your new license.
139
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,475
And here's yours.
140
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,314
And here's yours.
141
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,791
But all is not lost, Mr. Boondy.
142
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,634
There still may be a license
with your name on it...
143
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,348
...if you pass the driving test.
144
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,198
A driving test, eh?
145
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,750
I'll have you know, I've been driving
the mean streets of Chicago...
146
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:05,431
...for 30 years, in the same mean car
with the same mean wife.
147
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,391
So go ahead, give me your best shot.
148
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,234
Show me the moron
who dare not pass me.
149
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:17,393
Boondy? Al Boondy.
150
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:27,917
Well, congratulations, Bud.
This looks like a great place to work.
151
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,271
Oh, yes, Dad. You haven't lived
until you've given a driving test...
152
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,950
...to a 97-year-old Lithuanian woman
who quaintly brought her...
153
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,953
Who quaintly brought
her lucky cheese with her.
154
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:47,788
The thrill of riding the expressway
at 17 miles an hour...
155
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,717
...slamming on the brakes
for every single car that passes us.
156
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,796
But the best part was high noon
in said un-air-conditioned car...
157
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:02,192
...when both cheese
and woman ripened nicely.
158
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,275
Oh, yeah, Dad.
159
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,357
It's a great place to work.
160
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,790
That's good. That's good, son.
161
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,589
So why don't you just pass me
and I'll see you when you get home.
162
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,631
Oh, I could do that...
163
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,910
...but then I wouldn't be
doing my job now, would I?
164
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,993
And you know
how important a job is, don't you?
165
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,639
- You really gonna make me do this?
- As sure as your name is Boondy, fella.
166
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,429
All right, you son
of a woman from Wanker.
167
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,958
You wanna drive?
168
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,352
Let's drive.
169
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:57,919
Kelly, you sounded so upset
on the phone that we came right over.
170
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,991
Well, we stopped
for a sandwich first...
171
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,437
...and then we came right over.
What's wrong?
172
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,955
No, I just wanted to thank you
for all your advice.
173
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,593
I did what you told me to do.
174
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:11,236
I marched into my boss's office,
I said, " I am the Verminator.
175
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:12,833
I hold all the cards."
176
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,036
You should have seen
the look on his face...
177
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,719
...when he said those two words.
178
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,234
- "I'm sorry"?
- "You're fired."
179
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,919
I'm sorry.
180
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,358
Fired?
181
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,437
You dispensed job advice to her?
182
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:28,036
You who thinks
a W2 is a bingo number?
183
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,868
I know it's not a bingo number.
184
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,237
It's that stuff you spray
on squeaky hinges, right?
185
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,874
Well, life is certainly taking
an upward turn for me.
186
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,590
I'm 23 years old, I have no money
and I'm still living at home.
187
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,718
I'm kind of like Dad
with blond highlights.
188
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,632
Do you realize that I have classmates
getting alimony from two ex-husbands?
189
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:57,274
Kelly, I respect the fact
that you really wanna work...
190
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,909
...unlike deadwood over here.
191
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,192
Perhaps we can find something
at the bank to tide you over.
192
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,755
Yeah, but I don't know
anything about high finance.
193
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,560
I'll get to use my mind, right?
I won't be a showpiece.
194
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,153
Trust me, Kelly.
195
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,999
As a feminist and a leader
in the financial community...
196
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,317
...I promise
you will not be window-dressing.
197
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,636
Son, you know we've been driving
for about three hours now.
198
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,319
Don't you think
we ought to head back soon?
199
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,952
Five points off for complaining.
200
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,030
How much do you mark down
for crushing in your face?
201
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,630
Look, Mr. Boondy, this is my job...
202
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,589
...and I am merely being a professional
civil servant and I've taken an oath.
203
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,674
Hooters! Hooters! Stop the car!
Pull over! Pull over!
204
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,393
I'm Heidi and I'm from Bavaria.
205
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,473
Could you direct me
to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee?
206
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,395
Oh, yeah, this could happen.
207
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,838
Get in, Heidi.
208
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:22,119
We just happen to be going that way.
209
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,034
By the way, Dad,
I'm taking off five more points.
210
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,919
You should never
pick up hitchhikers.
211
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,754
Now, look, son. I didn't say anything
when you told me...
212
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,679
...to cut off that motorcycle gang
or told that lady cop...
213
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,393
...to put them on the glass.
214
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,631
But there's no way, no how,
I'm taking you...
215
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:42,072
...and your Wiener schnitzel over there
to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee.
216
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,471
I had the best time. How about you?
217
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,349
Oh, mein Schatzi, I do so appreciate
you and your chauffeur...
218
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,114
...taking me to the Oktoberfest.
219
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,157
How can I ever repay you?
220
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,471
Oh, that's right, baby...
221
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,958
...pretend like my pants are France
and invade me.
222
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,472
There's a five-point deduction
for that.
223
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,117
Hey, nice assets.
224
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,314
Oh, good one, sir.
225
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,518
That's even funnier
the 100th time I've heard it.
226
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,994
- How's it going, Kelly?
- Fine.
227
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,559
Great location for a bank.
228
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,916
Right next to a bar.
229
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,072
Well, that's how we got
the Kennedy account.
230
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,509
Yeah, but I feel like some cheap slut.
231
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,957
Well, that's how we're hoping
to get the Clinton account.
232
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,316
Besides, we all
have to start somewhere.
233
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:09,834
Yeah, where did you start?
234
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,553
Well, I'm different.
235
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,315
I'm a college graduate with a double
major in business and economics.
236
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,472
Hey, D'Arcy, time for my back rub.
237
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,676
Coming.
238
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,077
Excuse. Miss.
239
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,550
No, you can't check out my assets.
240
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,189
No, you can't see
my prime interest rate...
241
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,319
...and yes, there is a severe penalty
for early withdrawal.
242
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,837
My name Achmed.
243
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,356
I'm in big hurry
and car is still running. Here is note.
244
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,875
You must bring me this much money.
245
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:51,074
Right away, Mr. Med.
Or can I call you Ach?
246
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,113
Why don't you wait over there
and I'll get someone to help you.
247
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,918
A thousand thank you very muches.
248
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,549
- Now hurry, please!
- Okay.
249
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,194
Mrs. D'Arcy, I think
that man's gonna rob the bank.
250
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,755
He gave me this note.
Says he wants $50,000.
251
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,079
Now, let me handle this.
252
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,992
It's a very complicated procedure...
253
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,153
...requiring months
of intense robbery prevention training.
254
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,438
Bank robber! Bank robber! Help!
255
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,399
Get him! Get him!
256
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,072
I may even get a promotion
out of this.
257
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,953
What seems to be the trouble?
258
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,272
Just another robbery attempt
I was able to thwart, sir.
259
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,988
Well, good, because the son
of our largest depositor...
260
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,394
...is on his way in.
261
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,712
Now, his name
is Sheik Achmed Heb Abib.
262
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,149
He'll be making
a $50,000 withdrawal.
263
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,709
Please, don't hurt me.
Please, don't hurt me.
264
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,599
So I trust you'll give him
the VIP treatment.
265
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,674
I want him to remember
his banking experience here.
266
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,791
Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure he will.
267
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,190
Well, let's see how you did.
268
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,798
Apter score, 98, 99... Wait a second.
269
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,758
That's my score.
270
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,871
We had a good time. Well...
271
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,715
You had a good time,
mine pretty much blew chunks, but...
272
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,353
I'd like to remind you,
while you're figuring out my score...
273
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,836
...that if I don't get my driver's
license that means I can't drive.
274
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,992
If I can't drive
that means I can't go to work.
275
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,313
If I can't go to work
that means I'll have to stay home...
276
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,838
...and I'll be home all the time.
277
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,193
Day and night.
278
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,516
When you bring your dates over...
279
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,911
...I will be in my underwear.
280
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,516
You know the underwear,
don't you, son?
281
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,633
Not the ones that read:
282
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,269
"If you lived here,
you'd be home now"?
283
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:11,478
And I'll be clipping my toenails
and eating Cheez Whiz out of the can.
284
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,111
Now, let me ask you, son.
285
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,749
How did I do?
286
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,154
- You passed.
- Oh, goody.
287
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,839
Thanks, son.
And you did a nice job too.
288
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,310
Of course, you have a nice job.
289
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,755
Well, anybody would
compared to me.
290
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,470
Is there anybody
with a worse job than mine?1
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,599
Boy, what's the matter
with sitcoms these days?
2
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,478
Where's the new Arnold the Pigs?
3
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,033
The new Barney Fifes?
4
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,356
Where's the Gradys
from Sanford and Son?
5
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,229
Take this guy.
6
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:36,035
All he's done for the last 20 minutes
is talk about which toothbrush is his.
7
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,556
Yeah, like a real man
would use a toothbrush.
8
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,997
See what else is on.
9
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:44,833
Well, this looks good.
10
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,112
This is the new Barnaby Jones
reunion show.
11
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,835
Dad, that's the new
Rolling Stones video.
12
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:57,196
That's not Buddy Ebsen,
that's Keith Richards.
13
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,591
I thought he looked
a little old for Buddy Ebsen.
14
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,158
The Home Shopping Network.
Boy, this is a good idea for women.
15
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,550
It was a little too tough
driving to the mall...
16
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,591
...with a couch strapped to their ass.
17
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,237
Which reminds me,
Peggy's still in Wanker County, right?
18
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:20,629
Yep, but not for long.
19
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,753
Not since the doctor put her mom
on a no-salt-lick diet.
20
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,109
She should be back on all fours
any minute now.
21
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:34,030
That's good.
Oh, look, white-trash collector plates.
22
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,959
I'm glad Peg's not here to see this.
23
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:41,278
Our first call is from Wank er County,
Wisconsin.
24
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:47,229
Yes. I'd lik e to order the Roger Clinton
service for eight, please.
25
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:51,035
Now, that comes
with matching spittoons, right?
26
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,238
It's amazing. They don't even
have gravity in Wanker County...
27
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,908
...but they get
the Home Shopping Network.
28
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,433
Yes, and I'd also lik e
the Gillooly soup tureens.
29
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,788
Now available,
original tapes of the British TV series...
30
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,275
...The Avengers.
31
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,833
That butt.
32
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,474
I'd know that butt anywhere.
That's Emma Peel.
33
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,478
Those are... Those are Peel cheeks.
34
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,639
Peel. Peel. Peel.
35
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,479
Emma Peel's the one
that wore the really tight jumpsuits.
36
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,312
And kicked really high.
37
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:33,509
Thereby allowing us to see every
single nuance and fold in her body.
38
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,797
- Jefferson, I've gotta order this.
- To the phones.
39
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,991
Has it occurred
to either of you rutabagas...
40
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,475
...that the woman
may be pushing 200 by now?
41
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,756
Pounds and years.
42
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:46,832
That's why you look at them on tape.
43
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,635
If I only had to look at your mother
on tape, I'd still be having sex with her.
44
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,392
Hey, Daddy.
45
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,116
- Can I have $200?
- No, you can't, pumpkin.
46
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,436
We have to save everything
for the essentials.
47
00:03:58,640 --> 00:03:59,914
You know, food, clothing...
48
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,675
Hello? Yes, I'd like to order
the new Emma Peel tape, please.
49
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,031
And do you have one
where she kicks really high?
50
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,434
Bud?
51
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,153
Do I look like I'm made of money?
52
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,309
Well, just that roll of dimes
you keep in your pants.
53
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,680
Those are quarters. I mean...
54
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,555
I don't... I don't know
what you're talking about.
55
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,672
Please, it's only $200.
56
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,112
Kelly, I work at the Department
of Vehicle Services.
57
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,596
How much money do you think I make
riding around in a car all day?
58
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,994
And remember...
59
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,589
...I'm upright and in the front seat.
60
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,438
Please? I need it to help me
get a beer commercial.
61
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,910
- Budweiser?
- No. Ice Hole.
62
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,756
- Just asking, slut.
- No. No.
63
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,758
Ice Hole is the name of the beer.
64
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,231
It's one of those
new microbrewery beers.
65
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,113
They're having auditions
for spokesmodels in a couple days.
66
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,197
This could be
the biggest thing in my life.
67
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,994
And before you know it,
I'll be living it up in Hollywood.
68
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,714
Getting in slap fights
with Shannen Doherty...
69
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,957
...and having my ass grabbed
by Bob Barker.
70
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,949
Yeah, yeah, do you have one
where she's soaking wet?
71
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,953
Or one where she's freezing,
freezing cold?
72
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,835
Why, yes, I do sell women's shoes.
How did you know that?
73
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:37,192
Listen. The pictures are only $300
and I only have $100.
74
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,675
- You have a hundred bucks?
- Yes.
75
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,353
I know where you might
get your pictures done for 100 bucks.
76
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,309
Yeah, me too,
but I don't wanna be in Jugs Magazine.
77
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,433
Okay. Okay.
78
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,437
I know another place.
79
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,790
You know, I just might be able
to help you out.
80
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,029
Well, okay.
81
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,949
But remember, these have to be the
kind of pictures that bring out my best.
82
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,710
And smile.
83
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,669
Beautiful. I love it. Turn, turn.
84
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:09,992
Beautiful.
85
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,274
Very sexy. Very beautiful.
86
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,038
Oh, yeah.
87
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,234
Bud.
88
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:23,919
Bud.
89
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,759
You know what today is?
90
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,988
National blue shirt
and brown pants day?
91
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:31,753
Really?
92
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,157
That's not gonna affect the mail, is it?
93
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,874
Because I'm expecting
my Emma Peel tape today.
94
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,870
Did I tell you
she could kick really, really high?
95
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,593
Daddy.
96
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,637
Daddy, I got the commercial!
97
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,070
I'm the new Ice Hole girl.
Isn't that exciting?
98
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,959
It sure is. Sweetheart,
did you see the mailman out there?
99
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,513
This could be my big break.
Aren't you even gonna be excited?
100
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,035
Honey, yes, I'm excited for you,
but you know me...
101
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,959
...I don't get all gushy
and emotional.
102
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:06,515
The tape's here.
103
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,270
Give me that! Give me!
104
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,352
Wait a second, Jefferson.
This isn't an Emma Peel Avengers.
105
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,518
This is a Linda "We-Couldn't-
Get-Anybody-Else-to-Do-the-Show"...
106
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:22,789
...Thorson Avengers.
107
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,158
Jefferson, we've been hornswoggled.
108
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:26,715
To the phones.
109
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,596
You know, Kel, it's a wonder
we turned out as well as we did.
110
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,394
Well, I guess it's just me
and Buck now.
111
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,278
If I could call a cab,
it would just be you.
112
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,230
Well, listen here, you carpetbaggers.
113
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,874
It's been over two weeks
and I'm still without Peel.
114
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,150
Now, I'm going to whoever
regulates you people.
115
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,237
Who is that anyway?
116
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,830
"Absolutely no one."
117
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,876
What is their number?
118
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:15,114
"1-800-Bite-Me."
119
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,118
Gotcha.
120
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,509
Daddy, I'm ruined.
121
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,792
My life is even more worthless
than yours.
122
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,155
Well, how could that possibly be?
123
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,032
Well, what about the commercial?
124
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,073
- There's not gonna be a commercial.
- Why?
125
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,754
I've got a zit.
126
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,958
Look at it, Daddy.
127
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,033
It's the size of the Earth itself.
128
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,196
This is the first zit
I've had in my life...
129
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,595
...and the commercial's
the day after tomorrow.
130
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,997
Don't worry, Kelly.
You can hardly see it.
131
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,953
- You mean it?
- Yes, pumpkin. Trust me.
132
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,799
- No one will ever notice it.
- Okay.
133
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,034
Whoa, look at the size of that zit!
134
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:19,995
Before that baby blows...
135
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,078
...better warn the villagers
living at the base of your feet.
136
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,353
Bud, don't you see
that your sister's in pain?
137
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,198
Try to be a little more sensitive.
138
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,631
Sweetheart, that thing's not gonna leak
all over Daddy's shirt, is it?
139
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:36,116
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
140
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,991
I probably got this from you,
you know.
141
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,838
What else am I gonna get from you?
142
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,157
What, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow
and my bed's gonna be wet...
143
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,079
...and I can't find
my jammie bottoms?
144
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,159
If you really wanna go on TV...
145
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,672
...you could draw a little face on your zit
and go on Montel as Siamese twins.
146
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:01,515
Al?
147
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,871
Jefferson, can't you see that I'm trying
to comfort my daughter here?
148
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,954
- It's about Emma Peel.
- Excuse me, pumpkin.
149
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,475
What's up?
150
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,592
They admitted that they don't have
an Avengers with Emma Peel...
151
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,392
...but they did offer a substitute.
152
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,437
No. No deal.
153
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,359
- It's Peel or nothing.
- It's The Three Stooges.
154
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,395
Oh, happy day.
155
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,598
Pick two.
156
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,193
Well, you're obviously
in good hands here.
157
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,992
I'm gonna go
and start my homework...
158
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,510
...before they start grabbing
each other's noses with pliers.
159
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,158
Too late.
160
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,351
- Aren't you gonna answer that?
- No.
161
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:05,189
- I was happy, that means it's Peg.
- Well, you don't know that.
162
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,875
Hello? It's Mom.
163
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,717
Hi, Mom, I'm so glad you called.
164
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,512
How's everything going, honey?
165
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,075
It's terrible. I've got a huge pimple.
166
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,829
An actual Bud Bundy growing
from my forehead.
167
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:26,513
Well, you know, Uncle Sticky's
getting out of the pen today.
168
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,837
You want him to make you up
a batch of his pimple potion?
169
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,398
I thought Uncle Sticky's potion
is what got him sent to prison.
170
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,235
It did. But I thought
you were desperate.
171
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,835
No, no, no. I am, I am.
How soon can you get it here?
172
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,195
Tomorrow.
173
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:45,393
Cousin Zimo is running a truckload
of illegal fireworks to Peoria.
174
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,398
- I'll have him drop it off in the morning.
- Cool.
175
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,830
- You wanna talk to Grandma?
- Sure.
176
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,673
Hey, Dad.
177
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,834
Dad.
178
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,156
Mom's gonna send me some
homemade pimple stuff.
179
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,834
From Uncle Sticky, sweetheart?
180
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,031
You remember Uncle Sticky's face,
honey?
181
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,748
It's where we used to keep our keys.
182
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,072
Pumpkin, I'm afraid you're gonna have
to not do this commercial.
183
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,477
- Yeah, how much would you be losing?
- Two thousand dollars.
184
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,995
You will do this commercial
if it kills you.
185
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,919
Remember, nothing good
ever came out of Wanker County...
186
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,235
...including your mother.
187
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,557
So, now, here. Listen.
This is all the money that I've got.
188
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,911
Go to a pharmacy
and get some real medicine.
189
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,479
Outside?
190
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,636
But, Dad,
what if somebody sees my pimple?
191
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,440
Pumpkin, it's dark.
No one's gonna see the pimple.
192
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,392
I guess you're right.
193
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,956
I guess I'm just being, silly, huh?
194
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,835
Whoa, look at the zits
on the blond chick.
195
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,679
Thank God he didn't see the pimple,
huh?
196
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:58,676
Two grand and The Three Stooges.
For a dead man, I'm awfully happy.
197
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,359
You know my women's group and I
are going to protest.
198
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,875
What? The Stooges?
199
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,116
If you don't like them, how come you
keep getting your hair cut like Moe?
200
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,518
Not that, you primordial ooze.
201
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:21,759
It has come to my attention
that Kelly is the new Ice Hole Beer girl.
202
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,714
Now, you have done
some low things before...
203
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,469
...but to allow your own daughter
to flaunt her body to sell beer...
204
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,557
...that's low even for you.
205
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,354
Jefferson.
206
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,474
She's right, Al.
207
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,073
Marcie, let me explain
something to you:
208
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,550
Oh, that's very funny.
209
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,916
She's right, Al.
210
00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:00,712
But unlike evolution,
I am not letting you off the hook, Al.
211
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,713
Now, can you please tell me...
212
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,798
...what a woman's body
has to do with selling beer?
213
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,795
All right. Number one...
214
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,353
...if it wasn't for beer...
215
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:14,030
...there'd be at least three people who
probably wouldn't even be married.
216
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,393
Me...
217
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,393
...Jefferson...
218
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,797
...and probably Lisa Marie Presley.
219
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:32,795
And number two...
220
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,399
...since men buy beer...
221
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,398
...advertisers have to cater
to what we want, and...
222
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,114
Hold on to your corncob pipe.
223
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,550
- We like pretty women.
224
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:48,437
Ergo, pretty women sell good products,
ugly women sell... tennis rackets.
225
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:53,438
Pretty women, cars.
Ugly women, mini vans.
226
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,232
Pretty women make us buy beer...
227
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,671
...ugly women make us drink beer.
228
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,952
And if you were any more of a pig...
229
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,958
...kids would be putting coins
in your back.
230
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,953
Now, I promise you,
this will not go unanswered.
231
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,470
My women's group and I
will be on the Ice Hole set to protest.
232
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:23,111
Will they be wearing dainty little
overalls and matching caterpillar caps?
233
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,114
Some will.
234
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,436
Will you be wearing
your usual foot odour...
235
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,995
...with matching aura of failure?
236
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,278
Pick two.
237
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,711
One, two.
238
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,713
Jefferson, you don't think I'm wrong
for having Kelly do this, do you?
239
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,629
Well, Al, she'll probably be parading
around half-naked...
240
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:51,311
...to sell cheap beer to a bunch
of leering, screaming yahoos.
241
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,593
You know, you're right, buddy,
it's a tough call.
242
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,359
You wanna go to the nudie bar
and think about it?
243
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,599
Okay.
244
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,589
Well, there's only
one thing left to do.
245
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,715
Remember...
246
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:57,833
...nothing good
ever came out of Wank er County.
247
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,635
Yeah, but how often are you right?
248
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,637
Good point.
249
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,237
U se our minds, not behinds
U se our minds, not behinds
250
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,958
U se our minds, not behinds
U se our minds, not behinds
251
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,079
Well, let me see.
What part are you gonna be playing?
252
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:36,034
Handsome romantic lead or Eskimo?
253
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,438
Take a guess.
254
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,676
Welcome aboard, Nanuk.
255
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,200
- Let's see, where's that...?
- Hi, there.
256
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,471
You're not here for the handsome
romantic lead, are you?
257
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,711
I don't play that at home.
258
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,195
Look, we're running late here.
Has anybody seen the Bundy babe?
259
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,992
Women are not babes.
260
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:02,352
I thought we nixed the sea lions
for this commercial.
261
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,913
We heard that.
262
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,119
Listen, don't mind them.
I keyed their pickups on the way in.
263
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,551
I'm Al. I'm Kelly's father.
264
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,991
She had a blemish.
It made her a little nervous.
265
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,549
And against her father's wishes...
266
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,716
...she used some stuff
that was cooked up...
267
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,833
...by my idiot wife's idiot relatives and,
well, there were some mild side effects.
268
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:27,316
Nothing that can't be solved
with creative lighting, but...
269
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,592
Well, you guys are the experts,
so why don't you tell me.
270
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,074
Pumpkin.
271
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,110
Well, that was a short day.
272
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,433
This is our spokesmodel? This?
273
00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,474
We're selling beer here, fella,
not Lucky Charms.
274
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,399
I need someone gorgeous
to sell this crap.
275
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,794
Thank you.
276
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,314
This should be a slam-dunk...
277
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,193
...multi-million-dollar
discrimination lawsuit.
278
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,312
- Discrimination suit?
- Yes. I am Marcie D'Arcy...
279
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,796
...here on behalf of the Coalition
for the Aesthetically Challenged.
280
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,439
"Challenged"?
281
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,394
I'd say, " Defeated, exiled
and left for dead."
282
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,956
You mind repeating that?
283
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,197
As a matter of fact...
284
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,356
...I do.
285
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,992
Anyway, you will use Kelly
in this commercial, as she is...
286
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:42,159
...or we will slap the biggest lawsuit
on you that you have ever had.
287
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,800
Could they possibly do that?
Sue on behalf of the ugly?
288
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,797
How can they win that?
289
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,519
Four words:
290
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,793
Attorney General Janet Reno.
291
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,117
When your wife looks lik e this...
292
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,790
...you might as well dive
into an Ice Hole.
293
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:07,679
Ice Hole Beer.
294
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,316
When it's 2 a.m.
And you gotta do something.
295
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,519
Coming up next on
Business Week In Review:
296
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,872
The mark eting geniuses behind
the successful media campaign...
297
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,310
...for Ice Hole Beer.
298
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,156
I'm finally on my way
to fame and fortune.
299
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,875
When this beer takes off nationally
and takes Kelly with it, I'll be rich.
300
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,317
Oh, you mean we'll be rich?
301
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,476
Yeah. Yeah. We'll be rich.
302
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,598
Me and Kelly.
303
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,233
For once... And I'm not afraid to say it.
304
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,510
- AI Bundy can't lose.
305
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,510
Well, I was fired.
306
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,071
- Can't win, either.
- What happened?
307
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,677
Well, once my hair grew back
and the beard fell off...
308
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,633
...they said I was too pretty
to be doing beer commercials.
309
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,195
Advertisers are so afraid
of good-Iooking people...
310
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,550
...that the producers
won't even touch me.
311
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,149
Well, they'll touch me,
they just won't hire me.
312
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,118
Dad.
313
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,032
What are we gonna do
about the money?
314
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,316
Well, don't worry,
we'll just ugly her up.
315
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,353
Call Uncle Sticky, tell him
we need something more permanent.
316
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,956
Sweetheart,
don't worry about a thing.
317
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,116
When we get done
with your face this time...
318
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,834
...you'll be giving warthogs dry heaves.
319
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,869
Oh, that's so sweet, Daddy.
320
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,958
But it's too late. They already
hired my ugly replacement.
321
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,549
Already? Who?
322
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:32,078
See for yourself.
Here's the commercial.
323
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,793
Hello. Remember me?
324
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:43,272
Oh, my God, she's a hundred.
325
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,477
And she's still kicking high.1
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,109
I'm so glad you're
my physics lab partner, Breezy.
2
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:36,438
Sure, I could've gotten an easy A
teaming up with a Korean kid...
3
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,468
...but I prefer a challenge.
4
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,870
Oh, Bud.
5
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,954
I've watched you every day
in Quantum Mechanics.
6
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,431
I just love the way
you glide your fingers sensuously...
7
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,552
...over your Texas Instruments.
8
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:57,913
Take me.
9
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,150
Another dream, Dad?
10
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,315
Another dream, son.
11
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,916
- Why didn't you stop me?
- There's a game on.
12
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,036
Sorry about that, Dad.
13
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,999
I haven't slept much because
I'm studying for a scholarship.
14
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,518
The test is tomorrow and if I ace it,
I'll get to study at Oxford.
15
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,151
You have heard of Oxford?
16
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,711
Heard of it?
Hell, I've been selling them for years.
17
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,516
Actually, Dad,
Oxford is a university in Eng...
18
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,035
Cheerleader routine, son.
19
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,114
Fine, but I gotta study,
so can you try to keep it down?
20
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,157
Gotcha.
21
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,075
Cut to the left. Cut to the left.
22
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,834
Now. Go for the end zone.
23
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,877
I thought you were watching
cheerleaders.
24
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,271
I am. Damn cameraman's
shooting their faces.
25
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,591
Dad, remember, the scholarship?
26
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,116
Son, remember, your room?
Why don't you study upstairs?
27
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,115
Because Kelly's
blasting music in her room.
28
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,432
Some band she wants to see,
Otitis Media.
29
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,990
- What a stupid name.
- Otitis Media?
30
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,191
No, Kelly.
31
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:39,716
Never liked that name.
Always wanted to call her Spike.
32
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,551
Of course, I wanted a son.
Never got one. Damn wife.
33
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,952
Dad, can you stop
"seniling" around...
34
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,549
...and turn this game off
long enough for me to study?
35
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,360
This game is important.
The Bears are playing the Rams.
36
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,154
If you lose to the Rams,
you get thrown out of the league.
37
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,433
Why am I fighting?
38
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,274
I know where the quietest place
in the world is.
39
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,274
Bud, I've come to make love to you.
40
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:35,638
I want you to rub my tootsies and
then show me something in a size six.
41
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,109
I only carry a nine.
42
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,911
This is so exciting for me,
mon cheri.
43
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:09,271
Now, if you'll allow me
to nibble on your love grapes.
44
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,839
I found this in back, if you want to
make the one you got jealous.
45
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,032
- Who are you?
- Name's Griff. I work here.
46
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,517
That's funny. Dad never told me
he hired another guy.
47
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,877
- And who are you?
- Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
48
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,118
That's funny.
He never told me he had a son.
49
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,348
- Daughter?
- Nope.
50
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,630
- Wife?
- Not living.
51
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,268
- Four touchdowns in one game?
- Oh, hell, yeah.
52
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,432
That's why I told him to go home.
I couldn't stand it anymore.
53
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,478
Look, this is not what you think.
54
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,230
I've been studying so hard for this
scholarship that I tend to fall asleep.
55
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,517
If you're looking for some
peace and quiet, I won't bother you.
56
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,077
I'm just here because
I don't have any other place to go.
57
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,354
I used to have a place to go.
58
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,676
Then I got divorced.
Now I got two places I don't go.
59
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,436
Yup, divorced.
60
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,796
She got the house,
the car, the money.
61
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,639
I got the right to remain silent.
62
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,109
But that's fair, I guess.
63
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,078
Of course, what really ticks me off...
64
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,078
...is that even Michael Jackson's
married and I'm not.
65
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,311
But I'm not bitter.
66
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,596
You go on back to your studying.
67
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:10,998
Dad, I've got to study, all right?
68
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,549
Go ahead. Who's stopping you?
69
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,071
Get that, will you?
70
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,718
Why do I suddenly feel
I'm in the presence of great evil?
71
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,439
Hi, Mom.
72
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,715
Hi, Bud.
Look, I can't talk long, honey.
73
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,070
I just called to give you
a Grandma update.
74
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,548
The doctors have told us...
75
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,433
...that she can take those
long walks in the woods again...
76
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,871
...as long as she wears
the orange drop cloth.
77
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,870
Oh, yes, and Aunt Sadie is
making you the cutest sweater.
78
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,997
You know,
her eye has stopped leaking now.
79
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,156
Of course, her ear has started to.
80
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,912
And we're hoping, with any luck...
81
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,271
...they'll be able to
separate the twins next Friday.
82
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,078
So, honey, what's going on there?
83
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:55,354
There's this scholarship...
84
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,393
Time's up. Gotta go.
85
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,556
Daddy, guess what I just heard.
86
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,793
Otitis Media is in concert right here
and I have to go.
87
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,554
Please?
It's only a couple hundred dollars.
88
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,711
Kelly, at least have the decency...
89
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,394
...to take the headphones off
when I say no to you.
90
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,953
Please, Dad, I have to go.
It's the greatest band in the world.
91
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,518
Kelly, will you be quiet?
Your brother's trying to study.
92
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,470
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
93
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,278
Guess what. We're going to have
a new addition to our family.
94
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:44,559
Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it,
waiting for it to hatch?
95
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,199
Mrs. D'Arcy,
you're gonna have a baby?
96
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,319
Better. We're gonna have a teenager.
97
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,228
Well, then, can I strongly recommend
that you have a caesarean?
98
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:07,548
No, Kelly.
99
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:12,271
My niece, Amber, is coming from
Los Angeles to stay with us for a while.
100
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:17,514
Bud, you met Amber six years ago
when she was 13. You remember?
101
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,431
Well, I think she's beautiful.
102
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,877
Yeah, but you think Jefferson works.
103
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,594
I don't know about you...
104
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,719
...but when I sweat and don't enjoy it,
I call it work.
105
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,992
Anyway, Amber's parents think
she's been hanging out...
106
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,192
...with the wrong crowd in L.A.,
getting a little too wild...
107
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,949
...so I'm going to teach her
traditional Midwestern values.
108
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,751
What? Wearing print dresses, serving
lots of tuna casserole and getting fat?
109
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,998
Exactly.
110
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,392
And while she's here, you, Al Bundy,
are not to offend her in any way.
111
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,155
And that includes going outside
with your shirt off.
112
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,720
Or bending over
and showing us that vertical smile...
113
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,990
...we've come to know and love.
114
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,750
If you don't like it, why don't you put
her on the other side of your house?
115
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,355
Because our second bedroom
is the only place for her.
116
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:20,319
Excuse me, Marcie,
but that's my billiard room.
117
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,991
Not anymore.
118
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,195
Even my little solarium
where I sit by the window...
119
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,670
...and watch people go to work?
120
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,837
I wave to you each morning
until you've rounded the corner.
121
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,197
You'd take that joy away from me?
122
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,828
What am I gonna do?
123
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,717
Get a job?
124
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,868
No, really. What am I gonna do?
125
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,598
It's Amber's room.
126
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,953
Oh, this is just great.
Now everybody's got a room but me.
127
00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,352
Kelly's got a room,
Bud's got a room, Al's got...
128
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,238
So now I'm no better off than Al?
129
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,392
Hold it up, people! Enough!
130
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,558
I'm gonna put a stop
to this right now.
131
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,637
He's got a gun!
132
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,392
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
133
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,551
This is all the money I have.
134
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,308
So, Dad, here, take some money
and go to the nudie bar.
135
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,153
- The game's not over.
- And the Rams tak e the field.
136
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,470
Okay, it's over.
137
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,072
Thanks, son.
138
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,995
Kelly, go get yourself
some concert tickets.
139
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,629
Thank you, Bud.
If you weren't my brother, I would...
140
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,469
You'd be surrendering your body for
an ice cream and a pony ride. Get out.
141
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:51,078
Mrs. D'Arcy, take Amber to
the groomers. I mean, the movies.
142
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:01,110
- Bud?
- Yeah?
143
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,715
Could I go to the nudie bar with Al?
144
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,995
Oh, finally, some quiet.
145
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,471
It's just you and me now, Buck boy.
146
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,757
I've seen porno films
that start lik e this.
147
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,748
What is it?
148
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,477
Hi, I'm Marcie's niece, Amber.
149
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,792
- You're Amber?
- Yeah. I'm hiding from my aunt.
150
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,589
Do you mind if I get out of these
sticky clothes and take a shower?
151
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:11,677
So now that you've showered
and lotioned up...
152
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,754
...and eaten a banana in front of me...
153
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,873
...what brings you to Chicago?
154
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,953
Aunt Marcie sent me
first-class plane tickets.
155
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,475
- It must have been a great trip.
- It was.
156
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,229
I cashed them in and hitchhiked.
157
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,954
But believe me, hitching across
the country is not as safe as it sounds.
158
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,677
I mean,
there were some people so freaky...
159
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,559
...I almost didn't
get in the car with them.
160
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,511
For instance, there was this one guy
who picked me up outside El Paso.
161
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,915
Not that I mind sharing...
162
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,155
I guess I should have dressed up.
163
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:24,917
Hey, it's my fantasy.
You'll wear what I want you to wear.
164
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,758
Again, it's my fantasy.
165
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,035
So I said:
166
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:54,233
"There must be something besides
my blouse you can use as an oil rag."
167
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,230
Look at the time. I gotta go.
168
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,318
If Aunt Marcie caught me here,
there's no telling what she'd do.
169
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,238
But I'm sure it would be boring.
170
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,553
- See you.
- See you.
171
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,749
Cute girl.
What happened, wrong house?
172
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,149
No, Dad, that was Mrs. D'Arcy's niece.
That was Amber.
173
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,072
Marcie's niece?
174
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,437
Must be from the unfeathered
side of the family.
175
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,279
Dad, think she and I could ever...?
176
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,954
Not a chance, son.
177
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,832
- Thanks, Dad.
- Hey, what's a father for?
178
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,793
Looking on the bright side,
Amber's living right next door.
179
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,833
So sooner or later,
you'll probably get to see her naked.
180
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,233
But whatever you do,
don't look at Marcie.
181
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,435
I did one time and was clinically dead
for an hour and a half.
182
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,074
Damn leaky rubber woman.
183
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,754
Bud, it's me, Amber.
184
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,720
Amber?
What are you doing over here?
185
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,552
Well, I had to go somewhere.
186
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:37,830
And since Aunt Marcie said never ever,
ever to come over here, here I am.
187
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:47,394
I hurt my neck climbing over the fence.
Could you rub it?
188
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,270
With my hands?
189
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,031
Surprise me.
190
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,997
Wait a minute.
I know what's happening.
191
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,312
I'm dreaming again. Yeah, that's it.
192
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,348
As soon as I touch her,
I'll be in school without my pants on.
193
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,830
Come on, Bud, rub me. Hurry.
194
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,835
Hey, this is great.
195
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,955
Gee, I hope I don't wak e up
with the whole family staring at me...
196
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,552
...again.
197
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,197
Your hands feel so strong...
198
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,799
...especially the right one.
199
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,151
Do you work out?
200
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,758
Kind of.
201
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:53,189
Odd. I don't normally
mak e fun of myself in my dreams.
202
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,879
Still, this can't be real.
203
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,271
Oh, well, there's only one way
to know for sure.
204
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,956
Amber, want to have sex?
205
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,794
Sure.
206
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,992
Yup, it's a dream, all right,
but who cares.
207
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,436
It was my first dream
where the girl actually said yes.
208
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,759
Hi, Bud.
209
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,953
Amber?
210
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,431
It's 3 a.m.
211
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,555
Look, I've gotta go...
212
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,078
...but I just want you to know that you're
by far the best lover I've ever had.
213
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,195
It's like you really know your body.
214
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,277
Yeah, well, you can
chalk that up to experience.
215
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,951
I mean, with women.
216
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:30,030
Not that I lay here at night
and feel myself up.
217
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,671
Because that would be
really pathetic and dumb.
218
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:49,308
- Well, I better get back.
- Amber?
219
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:51,275
Can I see you tomorrow?
220
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,593
We'll see.
221
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,912
Kelly?
222
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,952
Next window.
223
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,152
I can't believe it.
224
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:25,113
After I went out of my way to be quiet
so you could study...
225
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,390
...you didn't even
get the scholarship.
226
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,078
Now you'll be here forever,
like your mother.
227
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,797
Like me.
228
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,670
- Don't forget me, Daddy.
- And like Spike here.
229
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,360
You were supposed to be
the Bundy that made it.
230
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,632
Yeah. The Great White Pope.
231
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,514
Don't help Daddy, pumpkin.
232
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,389
Why do you think
we even had a second child?
233
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,235
We knew that nothing
was gonna happen here.
234
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,038
I guess I should be punished, then.
235
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,272
Yes, you should. But how?
236
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,593
I say we put him in a sack
and throw him off the Sears Tower.
237
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,920
Where the hell am
I gonna get a sack?
238
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,676
Dad, whatever you do,
just don't send me to my room...
239
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,235
...especially for a whole week.
240
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:26,988
That would kill me.
241
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,551
You go to your room.
242
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,950
For one week.
243
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,113
You're a cruel but fair man.1
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,313
All right, Bundy.
We've gone right. We've gone left.
2
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,074
I'm gonna send you right up the middle.
Can you do it?
3
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:23,878
I think so, coach.
4
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,076
Give me the shoe.
5
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,352
On one. Break!
6
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,599
Hut.
7
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:47,631
See? I told you I was a size five.
8
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,471
I'll take them. How much?
9
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,392
Thirty bucks for the shoes...
10
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,915
...130 for labour.
11
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:00,030
- All I've got is 20.
- Deal.
12
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,592
Oh, by the way, can we interest you
in our extended warranty?
13
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,028
It's 50 bucks extra...
14
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,435
...but if you get stuck
and can't get them off...
15
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,796
...we'll tow your big ass back here
for free.
16
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,428
Size five.
17
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,438
Why can't women ever admit
to being anything over a size five?
18
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,392
- Yeah.
- That's the good thing about men.
19
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,750
We don't lie about size.
20
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,556
Of course, I don't have to.
21
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,557
Well, neither do I.
22
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,679
Well.
23
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,672
Neither do I.
24
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,878
Contest?
25
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,839
Let's rock.
26
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,949
May I show you something?
27
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,748
It better be shoes.
28
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,395
- I got this one.
- It's my shoe store.
29
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,993
It's Gary's shoe store.
30
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:19,437
And Gary begat me and I begat you,
so you begat away from me.
31
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,558
Of course.
32
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,395
Hello, Peg.
33
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,909
Hi, honey. I've got good news.
34
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,759
Mom's feeling better
and she can get around on her own.
35
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,679
So can a planet, Peg.
What's that to me?
36
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,718
I'm coming home tomorrow night.
37
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,070
I expect you to pick me up
at the train station.
38
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:41,599
All right, all right.
39
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,712
Now, my train arrives at 8 p.m. On...
40
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:53,391
These are nice, but I was looking
for something supple and long-lasting.
41
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,596
That would be me.
42
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,434
I'll be over at 8.
43
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:09,394
Hey, Griff. I thought since your divorce
you gave up on women.
44
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,633
That's not a woman.
That's a stripper I got a shot with.
45
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,230
She's dancing tomorrow night
at Club Gooey.
46
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,237
You wanna come?
47
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,876
No, I got something
gooey coming in on the train.
48
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,269
- Can I get you some shoes?
- I'm just looking.
49
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,190
Well, how about some duct tape?
50
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,319
He's just hungry.
51
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,279
Well, I'm hungry too,
you don't see me crying.
52
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,795
At least not on the outside.
53
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,670
- Is it okay if I feed him?
- Sure, go ahead. I'm just kidding.
54
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,992
While you're at it,
throw a little something on for me.
55
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,233
What in sam hill are you doing?
56
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,791
- I'm breast-feeding.
- Well, why?
57
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,156
Because he can't cook.
58
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,350
You just told me
it was all right if I fed him.
59
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,149
Well, I meant to give him something
healthy, like an Orange Bang.
60
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,628
You're gonna have to... You're
gonna have to shut that thing off and...
61
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,474
Ooze on down the road.
62
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:30,948
Let's go, Eric.
63
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,879
But believe me, this isn't the last
you've heard of this.
64
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,432
So much for milk doing a body good.
65
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,396
What is happening to this country,
when a woman of the opposite sex...
66
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:50,189
...can just waddle into your place
of business, your holy sanctuary...
67
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,237
...and bare her breasts?
68
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,277
- That's disgusting.
- It's repulsive.
69
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,429
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
and thank you for riding Am Train...
70
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:26,912
...where our motto is,
"I think I can, I think I can."
71
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,469
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you mind if I sit here?
72
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,275
- Do you sell women's shoes?
- God, no.
73
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,159
I transport radioactive sludge
across the country.
74
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,759
Well, as long as you don't sell
women's shoes.
75
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,638
Thank you.
76
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,716
So you're taking that
to a toxic-waste dump?
77
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,349
Yeah. Los Angeles.
78
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,434
Isn't it dangerous to be carrying
that stuff on the train?
79
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,200
I wouldn't concern myself
in the least about that, ma'am.
80
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,437
We are the United States government.
We know what we're doing.
81
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,318
Toxic spill. Run for your lives.
82
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,717
Now, you're sure these shoes aren't
made with any animal byproducts.
83
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,753
Not unless you've come across
a Naugahyde-asaurus lately.
84
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,310
Good. Because
it's against my belief...
85
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,557
...to upset the balance of nature
in any way.
86
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,598
That's why I haven't washed my feet
since I converted.
87
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,311
I hope I haven't offended you.
88
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,438
You've got to have lunch
before you lose it.
89
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,996
How come you always get
the normal people...
90
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,510
...and I always get
the sideshow folk?
91
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,389
Tell you what, Al,
the next one that walks in here...
92
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,517
...you can watch me work.
93
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,355
Hello, honey.
94
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,238
My name is Griff.
95
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,596
I own this mall.
96
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,468
Yeah, did you notice his luxury
Geo Metro...
97
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,109
...with the "Po Boy" vanity plates...
98
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,638
...parked in the executive level Z?
99
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,118
Hey, Dad?
Listen, we just got a call from Mom.
100
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,874
Well, don't blame me,
I didn't give her the number.
101
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,908
Well, we have some good news
and we have some bad news.
102
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,912
There was a train wreck,
but Mom's okay.
103
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,910
So, what's the good news?
104
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,357
She wants you to pick her up
at 1 a. M...
105
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,195
...which is in the morning,
but I'm not sure what time.
106
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,634
Well, for you, that would be
five guys past midnight.
107
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,753
Come to think of it,
we do have some garter belts.
108
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,992
But I'll have to take you in the back
for a fitting.
109
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,111
Isn't it dark back there?
110
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,749
Why, yes, I believe it is.
111
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,358
Okay, Erik and Lyle...
112
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,199
...what else have you got
to put me out of my misery?
113
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,915
Well, I just got another acting job.
114
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,673
Khalil's False Eye Emporium...
115
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,196
...is shooting their commercial
for their Peter Falk birthday sale.
116
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:20,638
And they want me
to be their wink-wink girl.
117
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,039
You must be very proud.
118
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:27,717
I'll say. This could be the springboard
to my own sitcom on Fox.
119
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:32,435
Well, usually that comes
before the Khalil eye job.
120
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,915
Anyway, I just need $100
for wardrobe and makeup.
121
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,917
- I promise I'll pay you back.
- All right.
122
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,430
Just buy me a nice headstone.
We'll call it even.
123
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,032
You got it, big guy.
124
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,350
We're not going to buy him
a headstone, are we?
125
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,758
No. Mom already sold him
to that medical school in Mexico.
126
00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,438
So how's that garter belt
working out?
127
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,148
I can't tell. There's no mirror in here.
128
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,437
Well, that's why
I brought this Polaroid.
129
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,875
Well, the wife's away
and the kids are gone.
130
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,712
There's no one here to annoy me.
131
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,832
- AI Bundy.
- No.
132
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,916
Did you banish this woman and
her child from your store yesterday?
133
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,115
I did.
134
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,118
How dare you deny her
her God-given right to nurse her baby...
135
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,590
...whenever Mother Nature calls.
136
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,357
Breast-feeding
is a natural biological function.
137
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,797
So is peeing, but you don't see me
doing that in public.
138
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,632
Well, the last time I looked,
the side of my garage was in public.
139
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,278
Marcie.
140
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,909
You may have noticed
that this is a place of business.
141
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,391
Are you going to allow this woman
to nurse or not?
142
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,274
Marcie, in the words
of your own people:
143
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,590
"Cluck no."
144
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,717
Then you leave me no choice.
145
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:21,158
Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left, right.
146
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,392
Company halt!
147
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,234
Present babies.
148
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,193
Express milk.
149
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,599
We apologize
for our little toxic incident...
150
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,673
...but feel free to k eep
your souvenir decontamination suits...
151
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,036
...and thank you for riding Am Train...
152
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,239
...where we care
and we settle out of court.
153
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,396
Do you mind if I sit down?
154
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,831
Is that a pie you're carrying?
155
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,550
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, park it, granny.
156
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,430
Decontamination
sure takes a lot out of you.
157
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,592
Not that the barium wasn't fun.
158
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:20,630
Would you like to have a piece
of banana cream pie?
159
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,996
Well, I'm on a diet...
160
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,151
...but I'm sure bananas are on it.
161
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,920
That'll be $50.
162
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,632
Forget it. I'll just wait
until they serve dinner.
163
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,872
All right.
Who ordered the kosher meal?
164
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,918
Anyone? Anyone?
165
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,191
Okay. Here's your 50 bucks.
Now give me.
166
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:46,473
Have you got a fork?
167
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,995
It'll cost you.
168
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:53,319
Well, never mind.
I'll just eat it just like this.
169
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,235
Attention, Am Train surviv ors.
170
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,313
We seem to have run
into some minor difficulty.
171
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,198
Have you got a napkin?
172
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,072
Well, yes.
173
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,880
Twenty dollars.
174
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,950
Dad, I hate to bother you again, but...
175
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,716
Well, there's a Kodak moment.
176
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,873
So, what do you want, son?
177
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,680
Mom wanted me to tell you
she was in another train wreck.
178
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,709
Son, your mother is a train wreck.
179
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,949
Now, as you can see,
I'm busy with suckle-palooza here.
180
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,040
Is there any part of your story
that's of interest to me?
181
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,556
Just that Mom's coming in at 3 a.m.,
and she expects you to be there.
182
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,233
See you.
183
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,678
Well, the train station at 3 a.m.
184
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:07,755
It'll just be me and Streisand picking up
our loved ones from Wanker County.
185
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,476
So, Al. Now that you see
how serious we are...
186
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,557
...are you ready to listen
to our demands?
187
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,159
Not yet.
188
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,511
Now I'm ready.
189
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,388
Fine.
190
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,593
Hit it, girls.
191
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,712
We shall not, we shall not be moved
192
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:29,875
Go ahead, sing.
193
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,753
We shall not
We shall not be moved
194
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,752
Sing and nurse, nurse and sing...
195
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,190
...but mark my words,
you shall not win this one.
196
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:38,668
Men will rally around me.
197
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,917
They'll march through the shadow
of the valley of your immensity...
198
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,792
...see the righteousness
of my cause.
199
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,791
For men are trustworthy, loyal and...
200
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,632
We shall not be moved
201
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,633
We shall not
We shall not be moved
202
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,515
We shall not
We shall not be moved
203
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,911
We shall not
We shall not be...
204
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,032
Jefferson, you little wuss.
205
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,595
How could you do this
to your own breed?
206
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,159
Marcie made me do it.
207
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,960
She said she didn't have enough
women for her protest...
208
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,873
...so it was either this or get a job.
209
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,195
- Oh, how low.
- A job? I agree.
210
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,517
Not that, J. Edgar... Give me this doll.
211
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,790
You know what I've a good mind
to do with this?
212
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,429
Give it back to the little girl
I took it from?
213
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,951
Exactly.
214
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,790
There, sweetie. That's a good girl.
215
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,996
Jefferson,
you know what this means?
216
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,673
No, don't tell the guys.
217
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,276
I couldn't take another night
of a thousand wedgies.
218
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,277
All right, there's one way
you can buy my silence.
219
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,513
That's cruel. That's horrible.
That's evil.
220
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,591
I'll do it.
221
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,514
Now that we've weeded
one traitor out of the ranks...
222
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,958
...let's see if we have any more
Mrs. Doubtfires here.
223
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,671
You're a woman.
224
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,391
And you're a comet.
225
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,629
One, two, three, four
We will breast-feed in your store
226
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,395
One, two, three, four
We will breast-feed in your store
227
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:02,111
Well, Bob, this is
Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...
228
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:07,913
...live at the mall, where the so-called
Chicago lactathon is still going strong.
229
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:12,870
But yet, Mr. Bundy,
you seem strangely unmoved. Why so?
230
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,792
Well...
231
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,917
...Miranda.
232
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:20,550
First of all, I know
that I'm on the side of good.
233
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,950
And secondly...
234
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,873
...I need the overtime.
235
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,236
Nonetheless, I can see
that this protest...
236
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,948
...has completely
paralysed your business.
237
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,988
I can see you've never shopped
in the store before.
238
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,073
Be that as it may,
you can't let this go on forever.
239
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,639
What do you plan to do?
240
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,110
Well, all I can say is,
Al Bundy never says "die."
241
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:46,592
Well, he says "die,"
he just never does.
242
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,876
If you'll just bring your cameras
this way...
243
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,270
...you will see the master at work.
244
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:54,839
Now, Marcie.
245
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,432
Before I unleash
my ultimate weapon...
246
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:02,037
...I'm going to be gracious and give you
and your Milk Duds there...
247
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,874
...a chance to hoof it on out of here.
248
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,633
What do you say?
249
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,633
No way, Old Smeller.
250
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:15,270
We have drawn our line in the sand
and we shall not be moved.
251
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,988
- Yeah!
- Fine.
252
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,800
If you want an all-out war...
253
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,230
...you've got one.
254
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,949
No Ma'am heavyweight division,
company halt.
255
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,519
Present...
256
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:38,948
...beer bellies!
257
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,760
Boogie down.
258
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,112
What the hell is going on here?
259
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,271
Counterprotest. We're dancing.
260
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,590
Hell, that ain't dancing.
261
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,909
This is dancing.
262
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,632
One, two, three, four
We will breast-feed in your store
263
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,711
One, two, three, four
We will...
264
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:31,709
Bud, wake up.
265
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,836
Oh, La Toya.
266
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,557
Did you foresee
our love in advance?
267
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,550
Bud, wake up.
268
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,791
You were dreaming again.
269
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,110
Was it the Judds?
270
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,955
No, the Jacksons.
271
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,676
It wasn't Tito, was it?
272
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,917
I'm afraid so.
273
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,916
He was just teaching me
how to dance.
274
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,594
Who cares. My commercial's coming
on for Khalil's False Eye-Emporium.
275
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,353
Hi, I'm Kelly for Khalil's...
276
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,160
We now bring you
this important news bulletin.
277
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:20,628
Just my luck.
278
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,513
Every time I get a commercial,
some stupid war breaks out...
279
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,075
...in some stupid country
I can't even pronounce.
280
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,515
That could be France.
281
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,156
I said "country."
282
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,437
One, two, three, four
We will breast-feed in your store
283
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,353
I'm Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
284
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,750
...still here at Gary's Shoe Store...
285
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,997
...because, quite frankly,
I have a mortgage to pay.
286
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,073
It's really anyone's guess
how this one will turn out.
287
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,311
But my guess is, since it is 4 a. M...
288
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,269
...you're either watching
Gilligan's Island or you're on it.
289
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:56,993
Another late-breaking story.
290
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,350
An unidentified woman
waiting for her husband...
291
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,318
...was chased
from the train station...
292
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,988
...by a gang of people
at 3 a.m. This morning.
293
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,877
But then again, this is Chicago,
so that's not really news.
294
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,553
Back to you, Miranda.
295
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,789
What kind of woman would hang out at
the train station at 3:00 in the morning?
296
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,631
Hi, kids. I'm home.
297
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,189
So where's your father?
298
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:42,479
- This better be good.
- Oh, it is.
299
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,473
One, two, three, four
We will breast-feed in your store1
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,272
Last time on Married With Children...
2
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,040
...I was neither fed, walk ed
or had a close-up.
3
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,593
That's better.
4
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,512
Last time on Married With Children...
5
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,911
...AI was having a typical day
at the shoe store, when suddenly:
6
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,958
Oh, what in Sam Hill are you doing?
7
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,511
- I'm breast-feeding.
- But why?
8
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,830
Because he can't cook.
9
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,070
You just told me it was all right
if I fed him.
10
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,949
Well, I meant to give him something
healthy, like an Orange Bang.
11
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,074
Al made the lady leave,
but only temporarily.
12
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,153
How dare you deny her
her God-given right to nurse her baby...
13
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,510
...whenever Mother Nature calls!
14
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,357
Breast-feeding is a natural
biological function.
15
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,160
So is peeing, but you don't see me
doing that in public.
16
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,431
Al stuck by his guns on this one...
17
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,995
...so you know his life could've
only gotten better.
18
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,272
Company halt!
19
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,193
Present babies.
20
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,073
Express milk.
21
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:21,669
So, Al had no choice...
22
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,440
...but to counterprotest
in his usual classy manner.
23
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,199
Present.
24
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,396
Beer bellies.
25
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,268
Boogie down.
26
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,068
And now, despite
my vehement objections...
27
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,231
...Married With Children continues.
28
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,199
One, two, three, four
We will breast-feed in your store
29
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,750
Two, four, six, eight
Hide your breasts or...
30
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,719
Wait, what rhymes with eight?
31
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,112
- Get a date?
- Guess my weight.
32
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,998
Urinate.
33
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,954
Well, this past week there have been
two fires, a flood and a mass murder.
34
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,237
Unfortunately, none of them here
at Gary's Shoes...
35
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,995
...where I, Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
36
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,391
...have been since
this breast-feeding protest began.
37
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:22,959
But since I am here...
38
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:26,317
...I might as well speak to the leader
of the counterdemonstration.
39
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,996
A former high school football player,
current shoe salesman...
40
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:34,552
...and future food-stamp abuser,
Al Bundy.
41
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,236
Mr. Bundy, what is your group trying
to achieve here?
42
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,829
We wanna show that men have
a God-given right...
43
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,918
...to live
in a breast-free environment.
44
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,068
Don't get us wrong.
45
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,590
We're not some of those sissy marys
who don't like breasts.
46
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,035
I mean, I'm not.
47
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,553
Of course, I can't vouch
for these other guys.
48
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,952
Our point is breasts have no place
in a women's shoe store.
49
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,158
Unless they're on a pinup calendar
in a bathroom.
50
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,829
Or in one of them pens
where the bathing suit disappears.
51
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,839
Mr. Bundy, sorry to break up
the Mensa meeting...
52
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,709
...but how does your wife feel
about this protest?
53
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,951
Oh, I'm not married.
54
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,468
But if I was married,
I'm sure she'd be here for me.
55
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,594
Hi, Al.
56
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:38,549
Hello, woman I've never seen before.
57
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,951
Oh, yeah, here you wear the bag,
but in bed...
58
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,948
If you two don't mind, I'll head over
to the other wing of the asylum.
59
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,357
- Here she comes, girls.
- Look fertile and oppressed.
60
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,872
Hi, honey. Brought you your lunch.
61
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,556
It's just three pieces of bread, Peg.
62
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:02,275
Yeah, it's a club sandwich,
hold the "club."
63
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,834
Oh, I'd like to hold the club, Peg.
64
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:10,119
Oh, well, I guess it's better
than yesterday's hot-dog bun on rye.
65
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,710
Now, look, Al, I know I'm not supposed
to ask you about your business...
66
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:14,955
...or your future...
67
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,470
...or why there's never a pair of your
dirty underwear in the hamper...
68
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,035
...but just how long
is this protest gonna continue?
69
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,197
Until we've made our point, Peg.
70
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,597
Which shouldn't be long once these
women realize how united we men are.
71
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,554
- Food!
- Hey, burgers! Come on!
72
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,790
What...?
73
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,594
Hey, you're supposed to bring
the food back to us...
74
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,432
...not eat it all yourself.
75
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,148
I hit a red light on the way back.
76
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:45,353
Now, look, Al, you've been gone
a week and I miss you.
77
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,312
There's no one to take
the trash out...
78
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,279
...and sex without you
just isn't the same.
79
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,670
Well, actually it is.
80
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,917
I want this protest
to be over right now.
81
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,196
Marcie, get over here.
82
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,512
Now, how long have
we been friends?
83
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,234
What, me and you, or me and her?
84
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,431
You and soap.
85
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,277
Why don't you just drop
this whole thing?
86
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,596
Don't worry, Peggy,
this will all be over soon.
87
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,992
Al and I have already found a way
to settle our differences.
88
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,878
Our philosophical ones.
89
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,469
The physical ones
are still too close to call.
90
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,957
Actually, the key was
to find someone...
91
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,151
...who could track down
what the law says.
92
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,960
Someone neutral,
with no more loyalty to Al than to me.
93
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,555
So we picked your son, Bud.
94
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,552
And when he gets back,
we'll find out...
95
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,116
...that this is still the United States
of America, where men have rights.
96
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:40,393
That's why George Washington chopped
down that tree, called it macaroni.
97
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,670
That's why George Hamilton
and Raymond Burr...
98
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,950
...fought their famous duel.
99
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,715
And that's why a lot of other guys
did a lot of other stuff.
100
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:53,354
Believe me, Marcie, my government
would never rule against me.
101
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,068
Dad, they ruled against you.
102
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,994
Damn George Washington!
I wish he was dead!
103
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,913
- We won! We won! We won!
- We won! We won!
104
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,230
Well, it looks like Sucklegate...
105
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,189
...much like my career,
has finally come to an end.
106
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,477
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
107
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,759
...saying good night and yikes.
108
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,718
Oh, gee, Al, I know you really put
a lot into this protest.
109
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,359
I'm sorry you lost.
110
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,630
Thanks, Peg.
I knew that you'd understand.
111
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,553
You know what I love
about America in the '90s?
112
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,836
Jockey for Her?
113
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,753
No. It's that people like you
never get what they want.
114
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,194
It's so amusing to watch.
115
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,472
You try, but things
just never go your way.
116
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,597
That's what makes
this country great.
117
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,518
I don't care what the law says!
I do what I want, Marcie!
118
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,069
I laugh at the law!
119
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,635
Hello, officer.
What brings you here?
120
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,273
The law.
121
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,715
You know, that thing
you were just laughing at.
122
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,791
Come on, Dan, you're a guy.
123
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,758
I'm a cop first, Al.
124
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,912
Well, actually I'm a cop about 11 th.
125
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,948
I'm a lover first,
and then a bowler...
126
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,236
...then a lover again.
127
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,432
And then sometimes late at night
I like to pretend I'm Barney...
128
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,636
...on Mission Impossible.
129
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,111
But anyway, I'm here to uphold the law.
It's the job I've sworn to do.
130
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,070
Officer! Someone's being mugged
in the food court!
131
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,595
Tell someone who cares.
132
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,915
Anyway, the law says you can't stop
a woman from breast-feeding.
133
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,116
Sorry, Bundy, but we live in an age...
134
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,515
...where everyone's rights
have to be respected.
135
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,551
Especially mine.
136
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:11,231
That's why I've got seven citations here
for indecent exposure.
137
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,639
But there's only six of us.
138
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,440
I know. I gave you two.
139
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,630
Come on.
What's he talking about, "indecent"?
140
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,519
I mean, we don't look so bad.
141
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,998
When did being born a man
become a crime?
142
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,710
Well, according to
The People of Illinois v. Baby Hayes...
143
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,793
...it was May 12th, 1992.
144
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,069
Baby Hayes?
145
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,237
Yeah, he was born naked.
146
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,634
The nurse didn't like it,
sued him for sexual harassment.
147
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,677
They tried him as an adult...
148
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,595
...and gave him
the electric highchair.
149
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,955
You'll be seeing it on Fox.
150
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,994
In all honesty, why are you surprised
in having to see breast-feeding?
151
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,350
I mean, after all,
this is a women's shoe store.
152
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,637
It is, isn't it?
153
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,270
Yeah, Dad, and hold onto your hairline,
you are a woman's shoe salesman.
154
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,358
I am, aren't I?
155
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,517
Well, that's enough for today.
156
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,832
I'll break the Dodge and Mom
to you some other time.
157
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,836
Son, you just gave me a great idea.
158
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,514
I know how to get
around the law, Marcie...
159
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:41,038
...and her cud-chewing comrades
permanently.
160
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,431
- Hey, Griff.
- Hey.
161
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:55,874
- Dad.
- Son...
162
00:10:56,080 --> 00:11:00,232
...welcome to Gary's Shoes
and Accessories for Today's Man.
163
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,233
It even says so on the sign. See?
164
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,475
Dad, the imprint of the W and the O
are still there.
165
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,797
Well, that's the way
it is with women, see?
166
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,710
Their imprint is always there.
167
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,309
But, son, don't you see the genius
of what I've done?
168
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:22,278
Now that I just sell men's shoes...
169
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,637
...I never have to worry about women
coming in the store at all.
170
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,036
I need shoes!
171
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,350
Sorry, ma'am,
but this is now a man's shoe store.
172
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,909
- I need shoes.
- Right this way.
173
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,472
Well, at least we know
she's not gonna breast-feed.
174
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,629
But my idea is genius.
Just listen to the silence.
175
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,037
Hey, Al.
176
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:54,673
Listen, I came by to warn you...
177
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,110
...Marcie's as mad
as a wet hen about this.
178
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,875
Well, that means somewhere out there,
there's a wet hen as mad as Marcie.
179
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,310
Look, you know
she's not gonna give up on this.
180
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,557
I mean, when she sinks her teeth
into something...
181
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,909
Well, if you wanna step
in the backroom, I'll show you.
182
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:30,710
No! That's okay,
I'll do a silent scream from here.
183
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,194
But I'm glad she's mad at me.
184
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,676
That'll teach her
to get into a milking contest with me.
185
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,668
Get that, son.
186
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,839
Oh, and if it's your mother, tell her
I've remarried and she gets the kids.
187
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,557
I feel good. Yep, I do.
188
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:50,035
Hey, Al, aren't you afraid
that Gary will find out...
189
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,390
...that you turned this
into a men's shoe store?
190
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,272
Who's Gary?
191
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,990
You know, Gary of Gary's Shoes.
192
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,390
Jefferson, I've worked here
20 years...
193
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,433
Twenty years?
Where the hell has my life gone?
194
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:12,199
But anyway, I've never even seen Gary.
I don't even know if the Gary exists.
195
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,592
But I haven't been this happy in years.
Let me just sit back and revel in it.
196
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,515
Dad, that was Gary's office
on the phone.
197
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,630
Gary's flying in the day after tomorrow
to take a personal look at the store.
198
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,751
Hello, La Crappe Shoe Distributors?
199
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:44,594
Yeah. I'm Al Bundy.
I returned $20,000 worth of shoes.
200
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,990
Okay, 20,000 pesos.
201
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:49,632
Look, I need them back today.
202
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,070
Three weeks?
Look, you don't understand. My boss...
203
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,431
Hey, don't "ay caramba" me
in that sarcastic tone!
204
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,434
Now, I need those sh... Hello?!
205
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,355
Oh, Dad, so you traded
your women's shoes...
206
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,636
...for men's shoes
without telling your boss.
207
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,519
It's not like when you bought
that $200 bowling ball...
208
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,472
...and you didn't tell Mom.
209
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,949
Now, that would be trouble.
210
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,474
Well, thank you, pumpkin.
211
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,319
You just spoiled
your mother's birthday present.
212
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,189
And let's not spoil
your father's birthday present.
213
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,039
He's getting a cocktail dress.
214
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,754
Quiet down, the two of you!
I gotta think.
215
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,037
Leave the wife. Leave the wife.
216
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,111
Gary's coming. Gary's coming.
217
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,557
Peg, you just gave me an idea.
You have shoes. Lots of shoes.
218
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,360
I can sell them. Give them to me.
219
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,191
No! I need them.
220
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,159
Well, what does a woman need
with over 200 pairs of shoes?
221
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,719
Well, let's start with the black ones.
222
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,474
You know, black is a basic,
so you need all the styles.
223
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,918
I have black flats for casual outfits,
black mules for lounging...
224
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,991
...black clogs for that retro look...
225
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,629
...oh, and my black heels
for dressy occasions.
226
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,154
- Kelly, come with me.
- Okay.
227
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,353
And then there's the black boots,
cowboy boots for boot cut jeans...
228
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,512
...English riding boots
for tweedy suits and skirts...
229
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,558
...and yes, shoe boots,
for when you want that boot look...
230
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,593
...but you just can't commit
to the whole boot experience.
231
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,360
I tell you,
and then it goes on from there...
232
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,155
How do I do it?
233
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,792
I am a genius.
234
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,310
Would you have known
that five minutes ago...
235
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,078
...this was a man's shoe?
236
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,190
Well, yeah.
237
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,992
I defy anyone else to tell me
that these aren't real ladies' shoes.
238
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,798
Pumpkin, let me explain again
what I want you to do here for me.
239
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:07,114
Now, when Gary comes in, I want you
to act like you're a customer.
240
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:12,514
If you do a good job, Gary will think
that these are really ladies' shoes.
241
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:19,075
And then Daddy won't have to wrestle
old women for government cheese.
242
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,436
Can you do that
for Daddy, pumpkin?
243
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,350
Well, I don't know.
How tough are these old women?
244
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,116
You know,
I really think we can pull this off.
245
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,993
Even if women can tell
that these aren't women's shoes...
246
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,589
...Gary won't know the difference.
He's a man.
247
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,798
Hi, I'm Gary. I own this store.
248
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,317
Of course.
249
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,591
Excuse me, Mr. Shoe Daddy...
250
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:54,196
...what a wonderful selection
of women's shoes.
251
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:58,429
I think I'll take
this lovely wiener pair.
252
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:08,469
They're so women's.
253
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:13,829
Well, that's probably because
this is a woman's shoe store.
254
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,394
How much do I owe you?
255
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:20,150
Oh, you could never repay me.
256
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,836
- Miss...?
- Bundy.
257
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,508
Anyway, as a satisfied
woman customer...
258
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:37,517
...in this, a women's shoe store,
I insist that I pay.
259
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,914
Five, ten, fifteen.
260
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,469
What are you doing?
261
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,755
Waiting for my change.
262
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,232
Get out.
263
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,998
I guess I'll see you at home then.
264
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,753
You bet.
265
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,632
Now, do me a favour and leave
the oven on for Daddy, would you?
266
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,637
Okay.
267
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,598
- Mr. Bundy?
- One second, please.
268
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,831
Let me say one thing.
269
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,831
Please. Please, don't fire me.
270
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,879
I'm just a major stroke away
from a comfortable retirement.
271
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,874
Mr. Bundy, I have holdings
all over the world.
272
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,157
I own airlines,
I own oil wells, I own men.
273
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,794
Well, I'm for sale.
274
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,838
- I said men.
- Sorry.
275
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:57,799
Anyhow, I almost made
the Forbes 400 last year.
276
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,396
I was number 401. You know why?
277
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,474
You're too beautiful to be perceived
as a successful business woman?
278
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,116
That's what I thought.
279
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,434
But, no.
It's because of this shoe store.
280
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,318
That was my second guess.
281
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:19,349
This is the only holding I have that
has never ever made me any money.
282
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,711
And I think I know why.
283
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,760
Please, don't fire me!
284
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,748
It's because of these shoes!
285
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,390
Did you know that underneath...
286
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,272
...this patina of jaw-breakers
and double-sided tape...
287
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,114
...these are men's shoes?
288
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,916
The hell, you say!
289
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:48,432
- Oh, of course you knew.
- Oh, I did.
290
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,511
I'll get my lunchbox.
291
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:55,595
And obviously, you had the acumen
to know that men's shoes don't sell.
292
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,589
Bundy, we're going to turn this store
into a moneymaker.
293
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,475
- And you know how?
- Tear it down, put up a Gap?
294
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,473
No.
295
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,792
We're going to turn it
into a women's shoe store.
296
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,553
A really cheap one.
297
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,279
And we'll cater to their needs.
298
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,632
There will be bidets
and Michael Bolton music...
299
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,356
...and a place
where they can breast-feed.
300
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,279
Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.
301
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,557
You're going to sell women's shoes
for the rest of your life.
302
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,435
You have such a wonderful store.
303
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,150
I'm going to have to tell all the women
in my cheesecake club about it.
304
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,070
Oh, Al, I'm so glad to see you
finally dragged your knuckles...
305
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,629
...into the 20th century.
306
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,068
What came over you?
307
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,832
It certainly wasn't a clean T-shirt.
308
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,272
That's right, Marcie, feed the bears.
309
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,714
Excuse me, sir, but do you have
a place I can put this dirty diaper?
310
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,829
No, I do not.
311
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,914
And this is where I draw the line.
312
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:33,152
There will be no dirty diapers
in my shoe store!
313
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,197
Oh, no?
314
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,155
Oh, no.
315
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,796
Ladies, present loads.1
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,316
And now, stay tuned for the show
too good for television.
2
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,755
- Wings?
- Wings!
3
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,355
We now return to Wings.
4
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,909
Our Wings marathon.
5
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:32,914
Wings.
6
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:39,518
I'd cancel my cable
if I wasn't stealing it from the D'Arcys.
7
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,598
Hey, Dad.
8
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:50,112
I've got a problem.
I did something really stupid.
9
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,955
Well, son, you didn't marry, did you?
10
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,593
God, no.
11
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,308
No, I volunteered
for this program at college.
12
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,193
They assign you community
service work for extra credit.
13
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,073
Well, I was hoping to get
Save the Brazilian Rainforest.
14
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,038
Why? What do you care?
15
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,279
I wanted to see
naked women from Rio.
16
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:15,028
Well, you can do that during
wet gaucho night at the nudie bar.
17
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,838
Well, the Brazilian course
got filled by the football team...
18
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,958
...so they assigned me to
the only charity they had left open.
19
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,553
Which is?
20
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,078
I can't even tell you.
It's too humiliating to talk about.
21
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,392
I'm just thankful
the word hasn't hit the streets yet.
22
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,672
Hey, Daddy, guess what.
23
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:39,948
Bud has been assigned
to the Virgin Hotline.
24
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:48,035
Well, we do know, however, that word
has hit the old mattress behind the Y.
25
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,030
Virgin Hotline?
What the hell is a Virgin Hotline?
26
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,472
Bud.
27
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,796
Well, Dad,
you probably don't know this...
28
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,355
...but today, there's a big movement
toward celibacy.
29
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,068
Know it? Hell, I started it.
30
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,190
No, Dad.
This is no sex before marriage.
31
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,793
See, the hotline was set up...
32
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,755
...so that when virgins felt in danger
of losing their innocence...
33
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,672
...they could call someone to be...
34
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,388
Nipped in the bud.
35
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:24,393
Or counselled, for those of us
who breathe through our noses.
36
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,392
Ask him what the phone number is,
Dad.
37
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,269
Now, now, sweetheart, the least
we can be is a little sensitive here.
38
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,273
What is the phone number, pumpkin?
39
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,515
1-800-ZIPP-UP.
40
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:46,590
Yeah, that's right, Gomer and Pyles.
Yuck it up.
41
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,913
Now, if I can ask a favour,
can we please keep a lid on this one?
42
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,833
My answering the phones
is gonna be completely anonymous...
43
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,594
...and I'd just as soon
no one else knew it was me.
44
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,153
Hey, Bud.
45
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:02,075
I heard on the radio.
You're on the Virgin Hotline.
46
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,391
They said Bud's name on the radio?
47
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,835
Well, actually, it was a jingle.
48
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,957
Let me see, how did it go?
49
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,636
If you're a virgin
With hormones surging
50
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:18,431
Keep on your undies
And call Bud Bundy's
51
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,432
Virgin Hotline
52
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,511
That's catchy.
53
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:30,759
Thank you.
54
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,672
And with self-esteem intact...
55
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,115
...I'm gonna get ready
for my orientation now.
56
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,759
Kelly.
57
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,554
Would you be kind
as to insult me up the stairs, please?
58
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,113
My pleasure.
59
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,750
Now, when people call up,
do you merely talk them out of sex...
60
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,070
...or do you send them
a picture of yourself...
61
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,918
...and scare the pants back on them?
62
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,517
Hey, Al, guess what.
63
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,228
They're having a sale
at the video store.
64
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,313
See? Right here.
65
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,839
So, what do I care?
Then go to the video store.
66
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,559
Well, I want you to come with me.
67
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,433
Oh, no.
That's why we have cable, Peg.
68
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,353
You can see the best
and never leave your house. Watch.
69
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,875
Tonight, Tom Selleck in
Mr. Baseball.
70
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,680
Then John Goodman is King Ralph.
71
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,593
But first, Wings.
72
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,996
I'll drive.
73
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,478
Hey, you guys mind if I hang out?
74
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:33,032
If I go home, Marcie will know I'm not
at my Unemployed Anonymous meeting.
75
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,990
- Have a good time.
- Thanks.
76
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,715
Welcome to The Naked
Jell-O-Wrestling Championship.
77
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,996
Hey, that's a...
78
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:04,314
Hi. I'm here for the Virgin Hotline.
79
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,472
- I'm...
- Bud Bundy. I know.
80
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,312
Your face has chastity
written all over it.
81
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,795
Really? Damn Kelly.
82
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,431
My name is Ms. Hardway.
I am the founder of Virgin Hotline.
83
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,035
Not that I haven't had opportunities.
84
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,397
It's just that I prefer to
save myself for marriage.
85
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,038
Whose?
86
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,439
People don't understand
virgins these days, Mr. Bundy.
87
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,753
They don't realize that we can have
just as much fun as they do...
88
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,117
...while remaining vertical,
with our toes uncurled...
89
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:49,230
...and the saliva of our passions held
firmly in our proud, unsullied mouths.
90
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:58,790
And there are so many more exciting
things to do besides having sex.
91
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:03,352
Have you ever felt the soft down
of a newborn baby duck?
92
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:07,270
Ever collect little ceramic unicorns?
93
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,033
Ever play Yahtzee?
94
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,198
No, you see, I'm not a virgin.
95
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,111
Oh, come now, Mr. Bundy.
96
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,669
Here is your Virgin Hotline
handbook.
97
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,559
Memorize its pithy wisdom.
98
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,913
"Reach out and touch yourself"?
99
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,591
I love the '90s.
100
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,435
Time to take calls. You man line one.
It's our busiest.
101
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,398
And remember, Mr. Bundy...
102
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,473
...you will be counselling these people
in their weakest moment.
103
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,838
You must be their shelter in a storm,
their anchor in rough seas.
104
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,916
Their cold shower during heavy
Jimmy Smits reruns of L.A. Law.
105
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,913
You, Mr. Bundy,
are their last line of defence.
106
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,388
Can you do it?
107
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,357
You know,
with a little more mak eup...
108
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,718
...and her hair done
and some soft music...
109
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,236
Mr. Bundy?
110
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,434
Can you do it?
111
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,592
Well, if the room was real dark,
I might...
112
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:25,069
Oh, you mean the phones.
113
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,312
Yeah, I can do the phones.
No problem.
114
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,752
Watch.
115
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,758
Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline.
116
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,470
This is your counsellor, Eugene.
117
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:43,029
Hi. My name is Isis J. Blowup Doll.
118
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:50,077
And my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been
able to k eep his hands off me...
119
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,118
...ever since I came out of the box.
120
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,717
Now, should I try to stay firm...
121
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:02,033
...or just explode and go to pieces?
122
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,840
Very funny, Kel,
but don't let me keep you.
123
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:08,038
I'm sure the trucker paid
for the whole hour.
124
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,677
Crank call.
125
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,595
Yes, we occasionally get those too.
126
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,469
Usually from mean people
who have had sex.
127
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,996
But remember, Mr. Bundy,
they mock us because they envy us.
128
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,556
Yeah, right.
129
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,759
Virgin Hotline.
130
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,633
Hi, this is Buck.
131
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,796
I'm wearing nothing but my fur.
132
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,395
I miss you, Bud.
133
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:53,515
I miss our special times together.
134
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,671
Kelly, Kelly, please!
135
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,310
Oh, now, come now, Mr. Bundy.
Chin up.
136
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,791
People used to call me
and say they were my showerhead.
137
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,949
What's the matter, Kelly?
Is your bed closed for repairs?
138
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,159
Is this the right number?
139
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:29,035
My name is Esther and I thought
I was calling the Virgin Hotline.
140
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,953
Really? This is a real call.
141
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,310
Yeah, you're on the Virgin Hotline.
142
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,437
I've been trying to wait
until marriage...
143
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,717
...but everywhere you look
is sex, sex, sex.
144
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,952
Well, where exactly are you?
145
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,112
Home, watching TV.
146
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:51,751
Oh, God, they're doing
a Bugle Boy jeans commercial.
147
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,597
Oh, you're losing her, Mr. Bundy.
Quick, do a TV talk-down.
148
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,159
TV talk-down?
149
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,356
Okay, Esther, now, listen to me.
150
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,795
We're gonna have to
take your mind off of sex.
151
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,595
Now think of the guy
from the Zima commercials.
152
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,673
I can't.
Now Melrose Place is coming on.
153
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,954
Billy's taking his shirt off.
154
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,078
Mr. Bundy, we have a code red.
We're going to have to act fast.
155
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,271
I'll keep her talking.
You go to her house.
156
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,397
- What?
- Don't argue. Take your handbook...
157
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,910
...and your "Never Had It, Never Will"
Virgin Hotline cap.
158
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,638
Hurry, or I'm gonna have to
call my boyfriend.
159
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,917
Take my car.
I'll call with the address.
160
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,830
And, Bud,
you have a really cute tush.
161
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,954
It's Friday night
and what am I doing?
162
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,919
Talking a girl out of sex.
163
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:57,596
Oh, my God.
I am my father's Oldsmobile.
164
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,193
Well, let's get this over with.
165
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:10,356
Esther. With a name like that,
I should have brought a chew toy.
166
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,199
Hi. I'm Esther. Save me.
167
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,874
Now, all we have to do is find
one movie that we can both watch.
168
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:53,316
Hey, here's one.
Die, Scum-sucking Pig, Die.
169
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:58,512
Ray Walston and Sherman Hemsley
in a haunted house, Peg.
170
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,350
Al, you have rented that
25 times already.
171
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,114
Well, it's good.
172
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,636
Oh, how about this?
Four Weddings and a Funeral.
173
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,713
That's kind of like five
of the same thing, isn't it?
174
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,230
Hey, how about
WrestleMania bloopers?
175
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,953
You could have taped
our honeymoon for that.
176
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:24,111
You know, Al, maybe you should
go your way and I'll go mine.
177
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:29,669
Really? After all these years?
Thank you, Peg.
178
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,435
No, I mean in the video store.
179
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:39,435
Now go find a movie we can both enjoy,
and be serious, Al.
180
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:42,990
Hey, Dorf on Skiing.
181
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,352
So. Virgin, huh?
182
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,479
I just can't tell you how tough it is
for a woman to maintain her chastity.
183
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,996
Every single girl I know
is just preoccupied with sex.
184
00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:01,997
They'll have it with anyone,
anywhere, anytime.
185
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:11,873
Really? Well, if you'd just give me
their names...
186
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,193
...their photos
and their phone numbers...
187
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,349
...I'll get to the bottom of them.
188
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:26,553
I mean, of it. Bottom of it.
189
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,394
No, Bud, please don't leave
before my mother gets home.
190
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,076
If I take my eyes off you,
I know I'll get all horny again.
191
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,548
I'm glad to be of service.
192
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,236
Can I get you something to drink?
193
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:47,798
Well, you got anything
fresh squeezed?
194
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,079
I'll see.
195
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,153
I'm really sorry to drag you out
on a Friday night like this...
196
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,550
...but I can't tell you
how much I appreciate...
197
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,671
...an organization like yours, Bud.
198
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,229
I don't understand
what's wrong with the world.
199
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,711
Everywhere you look, temptation.
200
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,838
Zima guy, Zima guy.
201
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:19,677
No, no, I mean, I mean,
I mean Roseanne, Roseanne.
202
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,873
Peg.
203
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,473
Diesel Head.
204
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:30,157
"A man and a monster truck
exchange brains"?
205
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,118
Like Emilio Estevez
would make a bad movie.
206
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:41,278
Look, Al, you have said no
to every movie that I've chosen.
207
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,432
Because every movie
you choose sucks.
208
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:49,151
- Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
- Yes.
209
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,997
Now, look, obviously,
we are not gonna agree on anything.
210
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,629
I mean, why should movies be
any different than sex?
211
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,270
Well, can't eat popcorn
when you're having sex, Peg.
212
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,873
Al, let's just find something
to please both of us...
213
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,315
...and do not go
into the adult section.
214
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,950
I don't even know
where the adult section is.
215
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,550
Here are the classics.
216
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,720
Schindler's Lust.
217
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,435
Booty and the Beast.
218
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:32,036
And my favourite, Forrest Hump.
219
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,110
- Oh, excuse me.
- No problem.
220
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,595
- Marcie!
- AI.
221
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,119
It's not what you think.
222
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,511
Well, that's good,
because I think I'm gonna heave.
223
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,710
I've just been monitoring porn
for my women's group.
224
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,832
We are sick of films that exploit
and degrade women...
225
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,957
...and we are not going
to take it anymore.
226
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,350
Here are the tapes you asked us
to hold for you.
227
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:09,829
Silence of the Loins
and The Joy Slut Club.
228
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,150
Shall I just charge those
to your house account?
229
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,112
Fine.
230
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:21,590
I'm taking these home to erase them.
That'll show you men.
231
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,229
Do you have condoms?
232
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,158
Oh, Al, look what I found.
233
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,358
Lik e Water for Chocolate.
It's a love story.
234
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,160
What a coincidence, Peg,
I found a love story too.
235
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,914
Mrs. Assfire.
236
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,713
- Water.
- Fire.
237
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,148
- Water.
- Fire.
238
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,839
All right, Al, that's it.
239
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,877
You get what you want,
I'm going home.
240
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:46,038
Oh, now, wait, Peg.
This could be good.
241
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,273
Big 'Uns magazine guide
gives this two things up.
242
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,158
Al, I am not checking out porn.
243
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:02,429
Now, you would think that,
in a video store of 10,000 tapes...
244
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,154
...we could find at least one movie
that we would like...
245
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,309
Butch Cassidy.
246
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,473
Oh, Al.
Now, here's a movie we can agree on.
247
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,792
You remember when we were dating
and we saw this at the drive-in?
248
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,032
I remember that we saw half of it.
249
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:27,396
You know, I still have the imprint
of the Dodge logo on my back.
250
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,076
I can't believe you still have that car.
251
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,839
Well, I can't believe I still have you.
252
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,796
- Where were we, Peg?
- Sharing a tender moment.
253
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,268
Oh, yeah.
254
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:45,318
You remember how they kicked us out
for making too much noise?
255
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,790
Well, you were hurting me, Peg.
256
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:54,232
Well, we certainly made up for it
that night, in my father's hall closet.
257
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,435
- Oh, Al.
- Yeah?
258
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,557
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
259
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,390
Mrs. Assfire?
260
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,080
- No.
- All right, Butch Cassidy it is.
261
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,909
Oh, good.
I heard it has a happy ending.
262
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,555
All right, spread them, thief.
263
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:16,633
Look at that, Peg.
264
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,950
You know, some people
just have no respect...
265
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,430
...for the personal property of others.
266
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:24,200
Nothing at all, I tell you.
267
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:32,236
M-E-L-O-N-S. Melons.
268
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,436
Your turn.
269
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,393
So, what have you got?
270
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,074
Nothing I can use.
271
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,799
Hi, honey, I'm home.
272
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,600
Hi, Mom. This is my new friend Bud.
273
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,230
- He's from...
- I know. The Virgin Hotline.
274
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,631
I saw your picture
on the side of a bus.
275
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,508
Great. You wouldn't happen to know
where that bus is...
276
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,637
...so I could throw myself
in front of it?
277
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,916
Oh, they're everywhere, hon.
278
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,233
And I'm so glad that you were here
to help Esther in her time of need.
279
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,631
Now, young lady,
it's time for you to do your homework.
280
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,075
Okay, Mom.
281
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,515
And thank you, Bud.
282
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,956
Keep in touch.
283
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,314
Well, I didn't mean with me.
284
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,516
I meant with herself.
285
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,915
Well, not with herself,
with her schoolwork.
286
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,990
- See you.
- Well, I'd like to thank you too, Bud.
287
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,754
If there had been a Virgin Hotline
when I was her age...
288
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,878
...I might have known
who her father was.
289
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,350
Well, knowing who your father is
isn't all it's cracked up to be.
290
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,355
Is there any way I can repay you?
291
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,556
No, ma'am, no.
No, according to the book...
292
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,149
...we're not allowed
to take any kind of compensation.
293
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,272
Even if it's these?
294
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,114
Didn't say anything about tips.
295
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,071
Mom, Dad, I'm going out!
296
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,029
Mom? Dad?
297
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,673
Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid.
298
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,559
Now, why would you rent a movie
and not watch it?
299
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,429
It's like renting a hotel room
and not ripping off the honour bar.
300
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,193
Old people do the dumbest things.
301
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,512
Thank you.1
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,234
- Hi, Daddy.
- Look at this.
2
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,948
The bad guy shoots Superman
a dozen times...
3
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,357
...see the bullets bounce off,
so they throw their guns at him.
4
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:37,753
It's like they can't kill him...
5
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,599
...so they think they can give him
a bad bruise.
6
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,875
What a bunch of morons.
7
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,271
Daddy, do you notice
anything different about me?
8
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,272
No, son.
9
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,951
Daddy, it's Kelly.
10
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,271
Tell her to come in.
11
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,157
I am already in.
12
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,432
And I am wearing a brunette wig.
13
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,279
"Why?" you ask.
14
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,557
Because I got picked to do
a public service announcement.
15
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,950
I decided that I should do it
as a brunette...
16
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,993
...since blonds have a reputation
for being dumb.
17
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,752
Which we all know
is just a stereo system.
18
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,153
Pumpkin, Daddy is watching
a very important program.
19
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,436
It's called Superman.
20
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,719
What's the big S stand for?
21
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,552
Straight.
22
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,555
Can't be too careful when you take
your pants off in a phone booth.
23
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,878
Now go away, honey,
I'm studying this kryptonite thing.
24
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,516
If it'll stop Superman,
it might just work on your mother.
25
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,395
Fine. You never pay any attention
to me.
26
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,029
It's why I seek the cash
and affection of older men.
27
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:04,035
That's nice, pumpkin.
And I do pay attention.
28
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,318
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Peg.
29
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,672
It's me, Dad.
30
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,791
I got to tell you about my day.
31
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,600
I had to give a driving test
to a woman who was so fat...
32
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,389
...they had to shoot her license photo
with the Hubble Telescope.
33
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,752
Listen to me. I don't have time...
34
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,757
...for your shaggy, fat-woman stories.
35
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,556
- You never listen to anyone.
- I listen to Superman.
36
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,832
He and Clark are very wise.
37
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,673
You're a sick man, Dad.
38
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,512
Hey, you're not a sick person
just because you watch Superman.
39
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,719
You're a sick person
if you think you really are Superman.
40
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,953
Hey, Al.
41
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,312
Jefferson.
42
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,350
Peg kept me up half the night.
43
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,718
Yeah, well, you're lucky.
Marcie kept half of me up all night.
44
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,110
Hey, I'm on my way
to a memorabilia auction.
45
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,749
Wanna buy Marcie one
of those original Barbie dolls...
46
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,552
...for her birthday. You wanna come?
47
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,512
No. I don't care much
for memorabilia.
48
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,156
I live my life in the present.
Dragnet is on.
49
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,832
Al.
50
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,634
Guess what I won at bingo.
51
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,991
A concertina.
52
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,757
Come on, Jefferson,
we'll be late for that auction.
53
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,676
Do I have another bid?
54
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:59,314
Sold for $3200.
Michael Jackson's original nose.
55
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,477
Well, I hope the Barbie bidding
stays low.
56
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,636
I only brought 2 grand.
57
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,950
Two grand for a Barbie doll?
58
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,555
A real woman isn't worth that much.
59
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,350
And the next item up for bid,
still in its original wrapper...
60
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,559
...the first issue of Big 'Uns.
61
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,880
Twelve hundred dollars.
62
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,038
Sold.
63
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,759
- You don't have any money.
- You got 2 grand.
64
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:38,514
Al, that is money I took from Marcie
for her birthday present.
65
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,672
Jefferson, this is the first issue
of Big 'Uns.
66
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,799
There's 40 pages. That's 80 "uns."
67
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,628
Okay. Maybe I can find
a Barbie for 800.
68
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,316
You won't be able to find
Woodstock Barbie for that.
69
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,474
- "Woodstock Barbie"?
- Oh, yes.
70
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,472
As any Barbiephile would know...
71
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,353
...Woodstock Barbie comes
with elephant-like bell-bottoms...
72
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,232
...and in a poor boy top.
73
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,278
I'm prepared to go as high as 10,000.
74
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,072
And I'm prepared to call
America's Most Wanted.
75
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:19,991
I was lucky to get this Nurse Barbie
for $800.
76
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,312
Look. They put a bellybutton on her.
77
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,836
I guess they want little girls to know
how the human body really looks.
78
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,237
That's why married Ken
has no genitals.
79
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,836
Well, Jefferson,
I'll see you next week.
80
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,673
Oh, hi, honey.
81
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,435
Hey, Jefferson,
I have your auction catalogue here.
82
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,956
You know, I can't believe
what people pay for these Barbies...
83
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,476
...especially the ones with mistakes.
Look.
84
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:54,834
A Barbie head on a Ken body
goes for $8000.
85
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,635
And look at this.
86
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:01,516
Fifty thousand dollars
for a Nurse Barbie with a bellybutton.
87
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,512
I'll tell you, the things people
spend their money on.
88
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,034
Well, if anybody wants me...
89
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:14,199
...I'll be upstairs
in my new tanning bubble.
90
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,237
Jefferson, it's $50,000.
91
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,950
Well, what are we gonna do?
92
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,917
We...
93
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,399
...say goodbye to you...
94
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,596
...and catch a plane to Aruba.
95
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,796
Al, it's Marcie.
96
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,674
Jefferson Milhouse D'Arcy.
97
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,593
Open this door right now.
98
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,912
I can't give bellybutton Barbie
to Marcie.
99
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,720
It's more valuable than she is.
100
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,913
Hey, wait. Wait. I got an idea.
Go let her in. Go, go.
101
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,470
Hey, Marcie,
I thought I heard some pecking.
102
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,758
Out of my way, swamp gas.
103
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,231
That's Mr. Swamp Gas to you.
104
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,797
I'm sorry about the door, honey.
105
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,389
I just didn't want you to see
your birthday present...
106
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,955
...before I got the price tag off.
107
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,112
Happy birthday.
108
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,675
A rawhide bone, Jefferson?
109
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,039
Now give me back my bone...
110
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,879
...or I'm ripping everybody
a new bellybutton.
111
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,597
Jefferson.
112
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,268
An original Nurse Barbie.
113
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,988
I've wanted this doll all my life.
114
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,310
My parents never let me
have a Barbie.
115
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,156
Instead they bought me
a Chinese backscratcher.
116
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:17,672
I put clothes and makeup on it,
but it just wasn't the same.
117
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,991
Oh, thank you, honey.
118
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,357
I'm never letting her out of my sight.
119
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,512
Me, neither.
120
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,748
Hey, here comes Popeye.
121
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,310
Hey, Al, you want to try
my squeeze box?
122
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,268
No, Peg, you blew this man down
a long time ago.
123
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,872
Peg? Kelly?
124
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,872
Bud?
125
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,079
Good. Bring on the Big 'Uns.
126
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,390
- Hey, Dad.
- Of course.
127
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,593
Well...
128
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,756
Today, while I was giving
a driving test...
129
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:35,679
...I learned that windshields are made
from this stuff called safety glass.
130
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,278
That's so no one else will get hurt
when I go flying through it.
131
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,672
Now look, son.
132
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,149
Son, look, it's not that I don't care.
133
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,675
Oh, sure that's part of it.
134
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:52,789
But the main thing is...
135
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,230
...I've got something very important
to do.
136
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,998
Big 'Uns?
137
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,472
Some bigger than your entire body.
138
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,877
Now, son, you've got two choices.
139
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:15,113
Get out or get the hell out.
140
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,634
Fine.
141
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,990
You never pay any attention to me.
142
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,273
Is it any wonder I seek the affections
of sleazy bar maids...
143
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,550
...and 25-cent movies?
144
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,755
Gee, now I feel bad.
145
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,755
Yep, now I feel good.
146
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,110
Look, Daddy, I changed my mind.
147
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,920
I decided that it is not
the colour of the hair...
148
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,670
...but the head that it's stuck to,
that is important.
149
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,439
Ergo, I have decided
to do the announcement...
150
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,434
...proudly wearing this blond wig.
151
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,275
But, pumpkin,
that's your real hair colour.
152
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,436
They don't know that.
153
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:25,238
That's a good point, sweetheart.
Now, you leave Daddy alone now.
154
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,434
Okay.
155
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,835
I don't think Daddy was
listening to me.
156
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,992
I'll bet he's got a Big 'Uns
under the couch.
157
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,036
Oh, well, the important thing
to remember...
158
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:41,956
...is I'm going up the stairs,
up the stairs. Wait.
159
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,392
Where was I going?
160
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:50,151
Oh, yeah. Up the stairs, up the stairs.
161
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,153
I got a big problem, Al.
162
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,277
Marcie hasn't let go
of that Barbie doll...
163
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,391
...since I gave it to her.
164
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,479
I need you to do me a little favour.
165
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,518
Can I do it
while I'm reading my magazine?
166
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,309
You know, that magazine
still belongs to me...
167
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,829
...until you've paid me for it.
168
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,557
What is the favour?
169
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,834
I need you to sleep with Marcie.
170
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,997
I don't mean sleep with her.
171
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,840
Just lie next to her
so I can switch that Barbie...
172
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,678
...with the regular Nurse Barbie.
173
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,956
The Barbiephile
that we saw at the auction...
174
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,390
...will give me $50,000
and the substitute.
175
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,672
It'd just take an hour
until I make the trade. How about it?
176
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:43,633
Jefferson. Peg might wake up
and notice me gone...
177
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,550
...and then it might ruin
an otherwise-sickening marriage.
178
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,793
Hey, look, Al. She's dancing.
179
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,600
Oh, all right, I'll do it.
180
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,671
Al, I'm so glad you're home.
181
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,510
Gladys has just taught myself
and the entire neighbourhood...
182
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,389
..."John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."
183
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,238
I'll leave my pyjamas
under the weeping willow tree.
184
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,792
Good move.
185
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,390
Hit it, girls.
186
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,878
What took you so long?
187
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,712
You haven't lived until you heard...
188
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,798
..."Itsy Bitsy Spider"
played on a concertina.
189
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,388
And speaking of things
I'm afraid of with hairy legs...
190
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,750
...let's get this thing over with.
191
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,239
- You're sure she won't wake up?
- Positive.
192
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,278
We just had sex three times.
193
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:18,077
And I did her real good.
194
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,039
Okay, I switched the Barbie
with a Chinese backscratcher.
195
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,872
One hour, Jefferson.
You better be back here in one hour.
196
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,111
One hour.
197
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,108
And if you hear a noise
coming from across the hall...
198
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,799
...that's Marcie's niece, Amber.
199
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,436
Anything else I should know?
200
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:48,389
Well, Marcie likes me to sleep
with my hand on her tush.
201
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,549
It'll keep her from waking up.
202
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,031
Jefferson, where are you?
203
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,595
Well, Jefferson isn't back yet.
There's a shock.
204
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:40,030
Fifty grand in his pock et
and me with his wife.
205
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,151
Gee, who came out ahead?
206
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,440
To hell with this,
I'm getting out of here.
207
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,955
Hello? Peggy?
208
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,397
I'm worried about Al. He's missing.
209
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,471
I thought maybe
he was with Jefferson.
210
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,395
No, my Jefferson's right here.
211
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,912
Gee.
212
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,079
You know, his remote is cold.
213
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,238
And the toilet seat is dry.
214
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,673
Where do you think he could be?
215
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,832
Well, maybe
he's with another woman.
216
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,839
Listen, don't you worry, Peggy...
217
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,793
...if we hear anything,
we'll let you know.
218
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,309
Jefferson.
219
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,358
You want to take me again?
220
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,311
Come on, I don't mean to criticize...
221
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,479
...but you didn't really satisfy me
earlier.
222
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,951
Aunt Marcie,
do you have a heating pad?
223
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,431
There's one in the nightstand.
Are you sick?
224
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,148
I'm on my period.
You know how it is.
225
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,958
Yeah, I know the feeling.
226
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,875
I've gone to the super tampons
lately myself.
227
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,189
The things that happen...
228
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,597
...when you forget to pack
your cyanide pill.
229
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,594
Even my breasts are swollen.
230
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:32,949
Want to see?
231
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,829
Not here. We don't want to wake
Uncle Jefferson.
232
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,996
Jefferson, rub my back.
233
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,990
That's my chest.
234
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,076
I can't get back in bed with her.
235
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,390
But on the good side,
soon Marcie will get up,
236
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,398
I'll see her pluck ed nak ed
and drop dead.
237
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,759
I'm sorry I'm late, buddy.
238
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,911
I swapped the Barbie's,
I got the 50 thou.
239
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:35,033
I was on my way back
when I got the urge to gamble.
240
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,952
I felt a lucky streak coming on...
241
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,355
...so I decided to run
my 50 thou into 100.
242
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,115
- Well, did you?
- No, I lost it all.
243
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,997
So did I. I wouldn't go
in your bathroom if I were you.
244
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,319
Your shirt is all wet.
You even sweat in bed?
245
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,074
Those are tears, Jefferson.
246
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,191
Jefferson?
247
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,476
- She's waking up. Go. Go.
- I'm going.
248
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,349
- Did you hear someone screaming?
- Yeah.
249
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,551
It was probably Al falling
from the window...
250
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,194
...after having slept with you.
251
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,349
Al Bundy, where have you been?
252
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,315
Sleeping with Marcie.
253
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,595
Don't you lie to me.
254
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,270
You have been
at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack.
255
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,118
Haven't you?
256
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,428
And I've been up all night,
worried sick.
257
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:04,878
Pacing, fretting, cleaning...
Which I should do more often.
258
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,839
Do you know that I found a magazine
underneath that couch...
259
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,519
...that was over 40 years old?
260
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,671
Oh, no.
261
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,673
Where is it?
262
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,353
I threw it out.
263
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:24,276
Oh, Peg. Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.
264
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:29,674
Oh, honey, you want Big 'Uns?
265
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:34,994
- I'll give you Big 'Uns.
- No, I said, Big 'Uns. Not those ones.1
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:18,516
Good evening, family.
2
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:23,271
And welcome to the first annual
Bundy-financial-crisis summit meeting.
3
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,270
Hello, Shop at Home network?
4
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,029
Yes, I'd like to order
your Brazilian amethyst dinner ring.
5
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,312
And can I get a dinner
to go with that?
6
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,629
While I have your attention...
7
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,991
...let's go over
some of last month's bills.
8
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:50,754
I'm sure we'll find a little fat
here in our budget.
9
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,388
"Renewal notice for Big 'Uns."
10
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:02,953
Let's try another one here.
11
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,914
"The Larry Storch School of Acting."
12
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:11,039
Al, becoming an actress
is very important to Kelly...
13
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:15,153
...and you will not break her heart
by telling her she can't do it.
14
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,870
All right, Peg. In that case,
you get a job to help pay for it.
15
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,711
Poor Kelly.
16
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:27,153
By the way, you could do your part by
cutting down on this shopping network.
17
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,595
Hey, I don't shop that much.
18
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,512
Hey, Mom, the stuff
you ordered is here.
19
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,000
Oh, goody!
20
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,990
Hey, Dad, guess what happened.
21
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,634
I am up for a role in a sitcom.
22
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,154
It's called Pease in a Pod.
23
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,237
It's about this family
named the Peases...
24
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,670
...and they live in this house,
and their lives...
25
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,429
...and what goes on in their house
and their lives.
26
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,118
Fox?
27
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,069
Yeah, how'd you know?
28
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,355
Oh, joy!
29
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:08,314
My Boxcar Willie tapes are here.
30
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,356
And my tiara.
31
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:16,395
I tell you, it is just like Christmas,
except with presents.
32
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,117
- What else you got in...?
- This is Mommy's stuff. Get out of here.
33
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,598
Anyway, I'm up for the role
of the daughter.
34
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,392
How's this for cosmic irony?
35
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,160
In real life, I actually am one.
36
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,191
What are the odds?
37
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,638
- Indeed, but, pumpkin...
- Daddy, I have to get this part.
38
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,354
I am perfect for it. Look.
39
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,472
"Blond...
40
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,068
...perky...
41
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,111
...lit..."
42
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,592
"Literate."
43
00:03:55,880 --> 00:04:01,079
Plus, add that to the skills
that I learned at Larry Storch's...
44
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,353
...and I'm a shoo-in.
45
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,597
Hey, Bud, tryouts are tomorrow.
Come help me rehearse my lines.
46
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,631
What's in it for me?
47
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,990
I'll let you touch a picture
of my friend Cindy.
48
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,433
Where?
49
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,955
Well, let's see. I have an unemployed
actress for a daughter...
50
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,877
...a son who'd have sex
with a fire hydrant...
51
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,157
Oh, happy day.
52
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:37,150
My TV Guide-cover
collector plates are here.
53
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:39,633
That.
54
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,749
I wonder where the next
bolt of lightning will strike?
55
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,351
I guess this isn't a good time
to tell him...
56
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,950
...I haven't been comfortable
with my sexuality lately.
57
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,271
"Snap, crackle, pop"?
58
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,710
Mom, why do they always say that?
59
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,313
I mean, the snap, okay...
60
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,398
...and maybe the crackle,
but you never hear the pop.
61
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,750
And what's the deal with Trix...?
62
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,315
That'll be fine, Miss Bundy.
63
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,475
Thank you.
64
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,439
Well, you know, I can do the scene
a couple different ways.
65
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,069
Can any of them be funny?
66
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,194
Okay, Half Dome.
67
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,596
We all know
I'm not gonna get this part...
68
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,075
...but before I go,
I have to ask you one question.
69
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:30,990
I swear, Miss Bundy, we would keep it
just as cold in here if you were a man.
70
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,671
And wearing a bra.
71
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,598
No, not that.
72
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,598
I was just wondering,
when did television get so weird?
73
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,234
I mean, nobody eats breakfast
at the table anymore.
74
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,271
And cereal...? I mean, come on...
75
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,950
...when I was growing up we were lucky
if we got toaster leavings.
76
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,916
"Toaster leavings"?
77
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,948
No, "leavings." The Q is silent.
78
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,912
They're the crumbs that you find
at the bottom of a toaster.
79
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,509
We were practically raised on them.
80
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,437
"Toaster leavings..."
81
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:11,431
I like it. Write that down.
82
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:15,599
Come on, Ron. I'm a pro.
I'm not taking notes from some kid.
83
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,917
Would you rather go back
to Full House?
84
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,919
"Toaster leavings," you say?
85
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,392
Tell us some more
about your family life, Miss Bundy.
86
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,595
Okay.
87
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,756
Well, first there's my father.
88
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,552
Now, you know how
you have the dad...
89
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,637
...and he's all happy
and glad to be home?
90
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:38,230
Well, in my family,
it's not really the case.
91
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,469
Well, then of course, there's me.
92
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,596
And that's what it's like
to be a part of my family.
93
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,992
Well, thank you, Miss Bundy.
94
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,758
That was enlightening.
95
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,560
So you mean I get to be
on Pease in a Pod?
96
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,752
No, but...
97
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,316
...I am casting for the lead
in The Mother Teresa Story.
98
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,798
Would you mind disrobing
and saying, "Oh, the children"?
99
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:17,715
Good evening, family.
100
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,308
And welcome to the second...
101
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:26,516
...first annual Bundy-financial-crisis
summit meeting.
102
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,274
Hey, guys.
103
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:33,629
Hey, Daddy...
104
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,159
...guess what today is.
105
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,597
The pathetic continuation
of yesterday?
106
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,071
No. It's the premiere
of Pease in a Pod on Fox.
107
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,193
Hey, let's turn it on. I gotta see
that bimbo they got to play my part.
108
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,992
Fox network viewing positions.
109
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,633
Peg...
110
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,478
...hit the button.
111
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:12,959
Tak e a mom and a dad
And two kids and a dog
112
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,796
Put them all in a house
With a mouse
113
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,878
You've got
Pease in a pod
114
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,590
Pease, Pease, Pease
Pease in a pod
115
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,631
Well, this certainly looks
like another winner.
116
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:33,594
Wow, that room looks familiar.
117
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,118
You know those sitcoms,
they all look alike.
118
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,676
Will you look
at that God-awful couch.
119
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,349
Hey, that's funny.
120
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:46,189
In the scene that I read, it started
with everybody eating breakfast.
121
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,712
Boy, does my life suck.
122
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,360
Thank God, I got the house
to myself.
123
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,152
Hey, Chuck.
124
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,754
And they call me stupid.
125
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,278
I just hope Patty
left some dinner for me.
126
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:18,875
What's this?
127
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,638
Dear, Mel. I'm at the neighbours'.
128
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,400
Dinner's at the grocery store.
129
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,999
Wait a minute, I don't remember this.
130
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,639
Hey, you know something, Peg?
131
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,513
This show is pretty good.
132
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,549
Stupid wife.
133
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,469
Now what am I supposed to eat,
toaster leavings?
134
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,150
Boy, does my life suck.
135
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:17,108
Al...
136
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,995
...don't you notice something familiar
about that Mel character?
137
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,794
Yeah, both of our lives suck.
138
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,869
Well, I guess it could
be a coincidence.
139
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,235
Hi, Mel, I'm home.
140
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,480
Look what I got
from the Shop at Home network.
141
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,877
A whole week's worth of bonbons.
142
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,631
Where are we supposed to put them?
143
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,359
Well, I'm supposed
to k eep them cool.
144
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,279
How about your side of the bed?
145
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,831
Hey! His side of the bed!
146
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,359
Well?
147
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,313
Well, I told them about my family.
148
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,273
I didn't think
they were gonna steal it!
149
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,633
And what, pray tell,
did you tell them about me?
150
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:35,635
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
151
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,434
- Hi, Ben.
- Hi, Naomi.
152
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,234
Can she and I
go to the movies tonight?
153
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,078
Son, don't you think it's time
you got a real girlfriend?
154
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,231
Dad, I do have a real girlfriend.
155
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,749
It's just that this one puts out.
156
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,553
It's a doll, Peg!
157
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,875
How pathetic!
158
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,035
- Are you guys watching this new show?
- This is the greatest.
159
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,915
It's like watching a family
of chimps that can talk.
160
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,318
No, it's not. It's us.
161
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,437
Kelly went down to try out
for the show...
162
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,837
...she told the writers about us
and got plagiarized.
163
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:26,589
I did not! They just took my idea.
164
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,035
Well, even so...
165
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,596
...I'd say it's time we start looking
at ourselves and laughing more.
166
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:37,078
Yeah. Personally, I'd be flattered
if somebody satirized us on TV.
167
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:46,714
Mel Pease, did you back your Rambler
into our trash cans again?
168
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,279
Oh, hi, Marla.
169
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,198
Were those trash cans?
170
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:54,029
I thought the feed store dropped off
another load of pigeon chow.
171
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,799
- I am not a pigeon!
- She's a pigeon.
172
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,870
Washington, are you going to let him
talk to me lik e that?
173
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,075
- Hit him!
- What?
174
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,157
And break a nail?
175
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:17,909
Oh, so, what am I now?
176
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:22,079
Just some mindless, pretty-boy,
gold-digging gigolo?
177
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,396
You're darned right, I'm not!
178
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,310
What you tell them about yourself?
That you graduated from Yale?
179
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:38,875
Harvard.
180
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:46,035
Oh, come on. Just be thankful at least
one of our reputations is still good.
181
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,510
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Carrie.
182
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,269
I'm just gonna spend the night
with a few of my school chums here.
183
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,909
Okay, buttercup, but don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
184
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,874
Which, in Mel's case,
means don't do anything.
185
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,839
Al, we've got to do something!
186
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,110
- What?
- Sue!
187
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,874
Sue Fox? To get what?
188
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,432
What, an NFL mug
or a lunch date with John Madden?
189
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,393
No, well, an apology would be nice.
190
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,672
I say we go down there right now
and call them on it, Daddy.
191
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,871
- "We"?
- Please.
192
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,878
They took my creative virginity.
193
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,756
Yeah, she's got a point there, Dad.
She could have still had that.
194
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,598
We'll go down there, but I'm
warning you if they replace this...
195
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,678
...with Don Rickles again
I'm gonna hold you all responsible.
196
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,753
Oh, Al, a real
show-business sound stage.
197
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,396
- A real show-business security guard.
- I'll handle it, pumpkin.
198
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,915
Sorry, folks, this set is off limits.
199
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,872
How'd you get by the guard
at the gate?
200
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,190
They were busy searching
Joe Piscopo.
201
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:22,555
What?
202
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,593
Piscopo's here again?!
203
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,713
Now, what do we do?
204
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,037
Well, find that Ron Michaels guy,
I guess.
205
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,798
Hey, there he is.
206
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,395
You know, I got a good mind
to just go over there...
207
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,556
...and give him a piece of it.
208
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,512
Although, if somebody had
a good mind...
209
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,553
...why would they wanna share it
with someone they didn't like?
210
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,038
I mean, that would kind of be like
having your cake and meeting it too.
211
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,839
And what is the deal with Trix?
212
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,793
- You know, I've always wondered...
- Pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin.
213
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,389
Perhaps I ought to handle this.
Now, you just relax...
214
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,830
...and save your energy for the...
215
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,110
For the ride home.
216
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,476
Excuse me, Mr. Michaels.
I'm Al Bundy.
217
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,355
Here. It's the black Cadillac
with the gold trim...
218
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,028
...and I want it detailed
inside and outside this time.
219
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,269
No, no, no. I'm here to...
220
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,993
Cadillac?
221
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,958
That's right.
222
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,918
Anyway...
223
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:35,479
I would just like to say that
I'm a huge, huge fan of the show.
224
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,079
The acting, the writing...
225
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,075
- Hi, Ron.
- Hi, Ron.
226
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,074
The gratuitous use
of girls in short skirts.
227
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,631
Everything is just great.
228
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,637
Look, if I need someone to suck up
to me, I'll go to my writers.
229
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:55,795
What do you want?
230
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,628
Well, about a month ago...
231
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,116
...my daughter Kelly auditioned
for the part of Carrie, didn't get it.
232
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,437
But when she watched the premiere,
she thought you stole her idea...
233
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,790
...and trashed my family.
I'm the kind of guy...
234
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,468
...who can roll with the punches,
but as you can see...
235
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,114
...my wife and kids
are pretty broken up about it.
236
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,712
Bundy...
237
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,118
...I've been in this business
since my wife was a baby.
238
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,758
I've worked with the greats:
239
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,919
Bertinelli, Danza,
Lenny, Squiggy. All of them.
240
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,678
You know what I've learned?
241
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,235
- What?
- Nothing.
242
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,158
That's how TV works, Bundy.
243
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:41,588
No rhyme. No reason.
244
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,190
We learn less doing it
than you folks learn watching it.
245
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,833
Look...
246
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:51,193
...between you and me, I'd rather be
doing Shakespeare or Keats, but hey...
247
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,960
...a hit is a hit no matter
where it comes from.
248
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,155
Now, look here.
249
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,830
You betrayed the trust of my little girl
and I think she deserves an apology.
250
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,032
I mean, not one of those
phoney-baloney, show-biz types...
251
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,708
...but I mean a really, truly heartfelt...
252
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,799
How's 500 an episode and I never
see your wage-slave faces again?
253
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:10,508
Done.
254
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,435
Thank you, Mr. Michaels.
255
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,154
Oh, Dad. I saw that.
256
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,237
I thought we were gonna stand
on principle.
257
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,358
Well, we could, but I found out
you can reach a little higher...
258
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,516
...when you're standing
on a bunch of money.
259
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,790
Come on, family.
It will be a lot of money too.
260
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,992
This show is gonna be a hit.
It could run forever.
261
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,512
Oh, look, it's the Peases.
262
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,518
Let's go. Let's go.
263
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,910
Hi there, I'm...
264
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,116
I'm Al Bundy.
265
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,635
Red Viper.
266
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:54,310
And I want the inside and outside
detailed this time.
267
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,198
Here's a Cadillac for you,
sweetheart.
268
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:17,796
Just think of it as an apology that goes
zero to 60 in seven seconds.
269
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,038
Hello, Shop at Home network?
Yes, I'd like to order...
270
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:26,199
...your Playmate of the Month
action figure set, please.
271
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:31,196
Don't you think you ought to wait
until the show's been on for a while...
272
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,472
...before spending
a year's worth of profits?
273
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,750
Called royalties, babe.
274
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,199
And no.
275
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,476
Hey, guys, it's almost time
for it to come on.
276
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,877
Fox network viewing positions,
please.
277
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,514
All right, Peg, hit the button.
278
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:51,835
Tonight on Fox:
279
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,314
Stay tuned for...
280
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,118
...The Family Keats.
281
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,639
What?
282
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,715
Hi, guys, have you heard the news?
They cancelled Pease in a Pod.
283
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,552
What?
284
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,679
But why? I thought it was a hit.
285
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,878
Well, some woman in Michigan
didn't like it.
286
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,796
She also didn't like football,
so that's gone too.
287
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,595
On the bright side,
I hear some wonderful things...
288
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,472
...about this Keats-family thing.
289
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:26,352
In the 18th century
Was a man wrote poetry
290
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,354
And he had a family
It's the Family Keats
291
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,118
Starring Don Rickles.
292
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,593
Peg, hand me the remote, please.
293
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,676
Dad, you have it pointing
the wrong way.
294
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,514
Not if there's a God, pumpkin.1
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,270
I once was lost
2
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:27,832
But now I'm found
3
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,116
Was blind
4
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:36,071
But now I see
5
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:41,396
Who would like to say a few words
on behalf...
6
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,870
...of our dear departed teammate,
Skippy?
7
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,633
I would.
8
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,518
Who's paying for this?
9
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,758
Well, the corpse of honour.
10
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,519
Where were we?
11
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,752
- Saying something nice about Skippy.
- Why don't you do it, Al?
12
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:19,272
After all, you're the one that found him
wedged in the bathroom stall.
13
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,472
Oh, all right,
like I haven't suffered enough.
14
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,074
Skippy was a pal...
15
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,316
...and our centre.
16
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,632
And he was pound for pound the...
17
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,748
Well, he's the fattest guy I knew.
18
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:42,070
Hey, Al, could you hurry it up?
Halftime's almost over.
19
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,874
And in conclusion, the end.
20
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,153
All right, let's get a little life in here!
21
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,275
Let's party!
22
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,432
- Boy, I sure am gonna miss old Skippy.
- Yeah, what a guy, huh?
23
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,153
Weighed 400 pounds.
24
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,157
How could a guy let himself
go that way?
25
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,316
I don't know.
26
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,718
Hey, guys, the game's back on.
27
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:22,708
And welcome back on to the Fox game
of the week here on Fox.
28
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,196
But before we here at Fox return you
to the Fox game of the week...
29
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,512
...we'd lik e to remind you
that you're watching Fox.
30
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:35,590
We now return you to the Fox game
of the week already in progress on Fox.
31
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,755
You know, if I could go back 30 years
in time, you know what I would do?
32
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,428
Buy a second pair of pants?
33
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,839
No, I'd come up with my own
little celebration in the end zone.
34
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,593
Like the Ickey Shuffle.
35
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,792
Earnest Givens' Electric Slide.
36
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,879
In fact, if I was going to name my
All-Bundy dream team, every guy on it...
37
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,913
...would have to know
how to party in the end zone.
38
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:05,194
Like Billy "White Shoes" Johnson,
or Andre Rison, Butch Johnson...
39
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,913
...and of course...
40
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,032
Of course, me.
41
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,552
Oh, what I wouldn't have given...
42
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,435
...just to have been able to
spike the ball in, just one time.
43
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,437
But I guess I have to
settle for being...
44
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,552
...on the greatest undefeated team
in city history, hey, boys!
45
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,916
- Hey! Hey!
- Number one!
46
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,873
You guys weren't so great.
47
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,713
You know, fella, there's already
one funeral in here today.
48
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,800
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
49
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,436
I said, undefeated.
50
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,274
You wouldn't have been
if you'd played us that year.
51
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,272
Oh, yeah?
52
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,591
And who are you?
53
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,115
Jack Franklin.
54
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:09,069
I was halfback
at George S. Patton High.
55
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,436
Patton High.
56
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,153
What's the deal with Patton High?
57
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,749
They were the only other
undefeated school in the league.
58
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,996
We were supposed to play
for the city championship...
59
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,918
...but the game got cancelled.
- Why?
60
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,833
Why? Because they were cheaters,
that's why.
61
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,473
They used ringers.
62
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,910
Guys 25, 30 years old.
63
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:28,235
You had guys that old.
64
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,517
They were there honestly.
They were stupid.
65
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,953
Well, I think you're
all a bunch of pansies.
66
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,428
Pansies?
67
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,557
Pansies.
68
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,672
Hey, didn't they just change
Patton High's name...
69
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,519
...to Jacqueline Onassis High?
70
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:52,989
Yeah.
71
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,751
Yeah, and isn't the team now
known as the Jackie O First Ladies?
72
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,389
First Ladies?
73
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,758
I say we still would have
beaten you guys.
74
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,474
And there is only one way
to settle it.
75
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,633
And that is?
76
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,230
So this Sunday we're going down
to the park, play football...
77
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,750
...and settle this thing once and for all.
Isn't that great, Peg?
78
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,592
No, Al.
Great would be if you flossed.
79
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,437
Dad, not that the pride of watching
a middle-aged shoe salesman...
80
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,995
...and friends
geezer up and down a football field...
81
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,510
...until they vomit dust
won't be enough...
82
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,995
...how are you gonna convince
anybody else to play?
83
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:45,233
Yeah, that's true, Daddy. What if
the other teammates have lives?
84
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,635
I wouldn't worry about that, pumpkin,
if I were you.
85
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,159
These guys all look up to me.
86
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,676
- Not really.
- No.
87
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,912
And besides, the pride of the team
is at stake here.
88
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,838
Most of the guys
are already here, Peg.
89
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,993
You know Rodent and Bob Rooney
and Buster and Speedy.
90
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,670
I called Thad, our quarterback, in
California. He's flying in this morning.
91
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,917
Dad, aren't you
forgetting something?
92
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,436
Well, I'm trying to, son,
but she's sitting right there.
93
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,633
I meant your centre, Dad.
Who's big enough to replace Skippy?
94
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,718
That, I am proud to say,
is something I have thought of.
95
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,152
Hup one, hup two!
96
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,633
I gave him some of your mother's
sweat pants she grew out of, Peg.
97
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,797
I even think
I'm gonna break my old record.
98
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,073
And this time
I'm gonna spike the ball!
99
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,558
I just hope our quarterback, Thad,
still has his throwing arm.
100
00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:00,275
What am I saying? Thad's
the kind of guy that never changes.
101
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,518
Hi, Al, it's me, Thad.
102
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,871
Al, you look...
103
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,397
...just great.
104
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,471
Thad, you look...
105
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,709
...like a freaking woman.
106
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,398
- Thad.
- Peggy.
107
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,068
I thought you dropped off
the face of the earth.
108
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,794
Well, not all of me did.
109
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,279
I just love your dress.
110
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,040
And I just love your hair.
111
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,269
- Darling.
- Darling.
112
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,718
So, what are you guys gonna do
with the extra cup?
113
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,998
Oh, I get it.
114
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,395
It's a gag!
115
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,310
Oh, you always were a joker.
116
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,159
That's a good one, Thad.
Well, the ball's in my court now.
117
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,919
Oh, Thad.
118
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,751
I had to do it, Al.
119
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,599
All those years, I felt like a woman
trapped inside a man's body.
120
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,155
I just got so tired of it.
121
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,709
Yeah, but, we...
We all get tired of our cars too...
122
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,474
...we don't rip the doors off.
123
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:41,558
Now, how are we gonna beat
the First Ladies without a quarterback?
124
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,510
Jack Franklin.
125
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,234
What brings you
to the undefeated neighbourhood?
126
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,716
We heard your quarterback
is a woman.
127
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,549
Not bad.
128
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,518
Kind of overdid the ta-tas, though.
129
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,318
That's not our quarterback.
130
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,755
Then who is she?
131
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,956
I don't know.
132
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,750
I'm Thad.
133
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,000
I'm sure.
134
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,672
Still got your arm, Thad?
135
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,553
You make the call.
136
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,274
- Sunday, Bundy.
- We'll be there!
137
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,795
With bells on.
138
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,072
- How are you feeling, Al?
- Feel good, feel strong.
139
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,838
Nothing can stop me today.
140
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,270
Oh, Al.
141
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,596
I feel bad, I feel weak.
142
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,312
Now, honey,
how long is this game gonna take?
143
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:15,748
And I mean long for me.
144
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,554
Not long for you, which is about
three and a half minutes.
145
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,520
You see, Peg,
the thing is it's meant to be fun.
146
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,312
I mean fun for me,
not fun for you...
147
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,990
...which is shouting instructions
with a mouth full of crackers.
148
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,759
And what's she doing here?
149
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,675
I am here in support
of my sister-in-arms, Thad.
150
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,838
I hope that she wins
and somehow you don't.
151
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,476
I'm sorry, little boy.
Did you lose your parents?
152
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,432
Hey, Daddy.
153
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,790
I have that cheer
you wanted me to write.
154
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,878
Finally, someone here
who's on my side.
155
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,469
- Let's hear it, pumpkin.
- Okay.
156
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,793
Daddy!
157
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,712
To think you weren't planned.
158
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:16,829
All right, Kelly. Let's go find our seats
before all the good ones are taken.
159
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:21,631
I am so glad my Jefferson doesn't have
to prove his manhood in this way.
160
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,230
- Where is he?
- At home dyeing my shoes.
161
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,669
Well, if it isn't Jerk and the Fatman.
162
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:37,273
- Ready to get your ass kicked, Bundy?
- Nice colours, Franklin.
163
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,391
You look like
a box of Good & Plenty.
164
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,275
Good & Plenty.
165
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,590
Let's get it on.
166
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,278
Hey, wait for me.
167
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,591
Okay, Franklin, now remember
this ain't high school.
168
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,758
- No cheating, no ringers.
- Same for you guys too.
169
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,872
All right, let's get the referee here.
Yo, ref!
170
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,990
Okay. The coin toss, gentlemen.
171
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,518
Ready, son... Bud... Ref.
172
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,068
Where's the coin?
173
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,312
Damn, and I left my purse in the car.
174
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,470
We can't start the game
if we don't flip a coin.
175
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,716
- Call it in the air.
- Oh, God.
176
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,911
Tails.
177
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,030
Tails it is.
178
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,032
It's your kick.
179
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,272
Hey, Al, don't some of the First Ladies
seem a little big to you?
180
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:50,708
Well, age will do that.
181
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,559
You know, look at Barbara Bush.
182
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:57,635
Seeing Daddy out on the field of honour
like the first time you ever saw him...
183
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,717
...it must be really exciting for you.
184
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,950
Next on Oprah...
185
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,160
I got it! I got it!
186
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,434
Daddy caught it, Ma.
He's at the 20.
187
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,278
He is in the 20.
188
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,278
He's under the 20.
189
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,393
- Way to block, guys.
- We...
190
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,830
We thought you were gonna go
all the way.
191
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,076
Your helmet did.
192
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,352
Thank you.
193
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,511
Al, there's something wrong.
I don't think these are the First Ladies.
194
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,070
Of course they're the First Ladies.
Who the hell else would they be?
195
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,272
Excuse me.
196
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,716
Anybody here lose
a Super Bowl ring?
197
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,238
Excuse me, sir. I lost one.
198
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,957
All right now, boys, remember,
the honour of Polk is at stake here.
199
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,752
Besides,
we can't let our fans down.
200
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,073
Al, it's cold.
We're gonna go home, okay?
201
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,470
Peg, we're trying to huddle here.
202
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,511
You never wanna huddle with me.
203
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,718
Well, put a helmet and a face mask on
and we'll talk about it.
204
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,591
All right, the hell with our fans.
This one's for us and...
205
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,758
And Baywatch's Pamela Anderson.
206
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:42,196
Hey, number 56.
You don't look like Morty Fishbein.
207
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,032
Well, I am, you schmuck.
208
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,037
Who'd ever thought
little Morty Fishbein...
209
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,276
...would grow up to look like
Lawrence Taylor?
210
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,637
Think that's something, Eddie Yim
grew up to look like Bubba Smith.
211
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,791
Shut up.
212
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,234
Same old Eddie.
213
00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,069
Except now he appears to be
a giant black man.
214
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,554
Hey, Al.
I'd swear that's Rod Martin...
215
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,155
...Hacksaw Reynolds
and Kenny Stabler over there.
216
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,834
Jefferson, there's nobody over there
but pink punks.
217
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,838
And what do Polk High Panthers do
to pink punks?
218
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,469
Pulverize the powder puffs!
219
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,633
Let's rock.
220
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,990
- Had enough, Bundy?
- I have not.
221
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,431
Neither have I. Who said that?
222
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,793
Come on, Al. You okay?
223
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,594
Two-minute warning.
224
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,158
Look, Al, I may not know anything
about the First Ladies...
225
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:04,670
...but I know a ringer when I see one.
226
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:18,239
And you, sir, are a ringer!
227
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,552
- Bubba!
- Oh, no.
228
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,315
So just going out
for some milk, huh?
229
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,279
Well...
230
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,791
The Snake, L.T. And Hacksaw
were gonna play.
231
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,752
If I didn't play...
232
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,713
...they'd call me a sissy
and give me the business.
233
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:39,873
Holy moly, here come the wives.
234
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,116
Talking about
your fearsome foursome.
235
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:43,634
Well?
236
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,713
Baby, have I told you lately
how pretty your eyes look?
237
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,555
Oh, really?
And what colour would they be?
238
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,310
So you are Lawrence Taylor.
239
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,272
And you are Kenny Stabler.
240
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,869
And you are Hacksaw Reynolds.
241
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,071
And you are Rod Martin.
242
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,316
And you are...
243
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,519
...Eddie Yim.
244
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,156
Franklin, you cheating pink weenie.
245
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,828
- So you did use ringers.
- Like we needed them.
246
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,793
You guys couldn't score
with your own wives.
247
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,716
And we're proud of that.
248
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,998
We can score on you.
249
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,476
New game. Sudden death.
And I don't care if it takes all night.
250
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,192
Excuse me, Dad. Your permit
for the field runs out in 10 minutes.
251
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:38,556
And I don't care if it takes 10 minutes,
which is nine more than I need.
252
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,119
If I don't personally score on you...
253
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:47,354
...I will dance totally nude at the sports
bar in front of everybody...
254
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:53,196
...except Thad and the wife.
255
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,193
Then we both win.
256
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,639
I did it. I did it! Polk rules!
257
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,428
- Dad...
- Out of my way, son.
258
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,911
- You're in my spotlight.
- You spiked it on the 5-yard line.
259
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,599
What?
260
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,953
What is it with you football guys?
261
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,038
You pound on each other,
you abuse your own bodies...
262
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,958
...why do you do it?
263
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,398
- It's a man's thing.
- Yeah.
264
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,954
- Commitment to excellence.
- And it gets you out of the house.
265
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,110
But most of all, we do it for pride.1
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,440
Hear ye. Hear ye.
2
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,638
I now call to order this meeting
of NO MA'AM:
3
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:31,317
National Organization of Men
Against Amazonian Masterhood.
4
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,911
Brother Jefferson will read the minutes
of our last meeting.
5
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,552
8:01, 8:02...
6
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,075
...8:03.
7
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,197
The same damn joke every week.
8
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:52,353
Hey, every time Bob Rooney
plays the armpit tuba, you all laugh.
9
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,189
Well, that's funny. Let it rip, Bob.
10
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,632
Anyway, last meeting we bitched
about the baseball strike...
11
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,235
...drank beer, peed...
12
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,313
...drank more beer, peed again...
13
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,397
...then hurried home
to drink beer and pee.
14
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,510
Thank you, brother Jefferson.
Now on to new business.
15
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:29,551
As you know, a new member,
our very own Griff, is being initiated.
16
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,952
So, Sergeant at Arms Ike,
would you bring the plebe in?
17
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:42,429
- Rookie.
- New guy.
18
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:48,872
Now, Griff, you've survived
the other initiation rites.
19
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,430
The purchasing of panty shields
in broad daylight.
20
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:58,236
The attending of a Julio concert in wig
and matching ensemble.
21
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,829
Are you ready for the third
and final challenge?
22
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,589
Hey, I've got an ex-wife
and I work in a shoe store.
23
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,956
I feel no pain.
24
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:14,475
Then Sergeant at Arms Ike,
please escort Griff to the bath.
25
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:19,236
Excuse me. I mean the chamber
of the damned, please.
26
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,714
Hey, Al, are you sure we should put
Griff through this?
27
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,714
Yeah, the human mind
is only made of flesh and bone.
28
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,359
Hey.
29
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,950
NO MA'AM isn't like California.
You can't just walk in.
30
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,275
Our standards have to be tough.
31
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,636
If a man can't stand
a two-hour videotape...
32
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,398
...of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman...
33
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,160
...he's not strong enough
to be in NO MA'AM.
34
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,318
Now on to new business.
35
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,832
Men, we have got to do something
about this baseball strike.
36
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,112
- Amen.
- It's affecting the way we live.
37
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:05,875
Yeah. I had to take my wife
to the beauty parlour.
38
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,079
I had to take my wife to the opera.
39
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,673
I had to take my wife.
40
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:24,910
Make the Indians kill her, please.
Make the Indians kill her.
41
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,037
Now, if the players
don't want to play...
42
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,390
...I don't give a damn,
we don' t need them.
43
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,234
We can play with ourselves.
44
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,755
So the meeting is dismissed?
45
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,429
Ike, go in there with Griff.
46
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,836
So we're gonna play baseball?
47
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,509
- We are.
- Where?
48
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,796
How about Wrigley Field?
49
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,430
Yeah. The Cubs ain't using it.
50
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,680
They weren't using it
before the strike.
51
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,915
- Oh, my God.
- They're bathing at the river.
52
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,277
So, what if they don't let us use
Wrigley? It's private property.
53
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:18,149
Oh, come on. Who's gonna stop
a bunch of great American guys...
54
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,836
...from playing
the great American pastime?
55
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,713
Well, I mean, except for the police.
56
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,950
Well, at least it was great to hear
the crack of the bat again.
57
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,430
That was a nightstick.
58
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,677
But you know, it was good
to get outside and play a little baseball.
59
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,233
We pitched well, we hit well.
60
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,193
And man, Jefferson,
I didn't realize you could run so fast.
61
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:56,434
Well, you run faster
with a police dog in your back pocket.
62
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,031
Well, well, well.
63
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,589
Hey, Officer Dan.
What are you doing here?
64
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,717
Same thing you do
at the shoe store, Al.
65
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,918
- Waiting for quitting time?
- Exactly.
66
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,637
And it's ribs night.
67
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,310
So, hear you were busted
for climbing the vines at Wrigley Field.
68
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,319
We miss baseball.
69
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,156
I miss good sex.
70
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,793
You don't see me climbing my wife.
71
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,432
Anyhow, I came to tell you
you've been sprung.
72
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,716
What? By who?
73
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,077
I am so sick of coming down here.
74
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,311
The wives.
75
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:48,153
There they are. The roids of summer.
76
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,513
No conjugal visits.
77
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,308
Jefferson D'Arcy.
78
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:59,873
Now, I expect Al to be involved in some
receding "hair-brained" scheme...
79
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,519
...but what are you in for?
80
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:07,958
- I was... I was on my way to a...
- Job interview.
81
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,118
- Job interview when suddenly I was...
- Kidnapped.
82
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,670
- Kidnapped by a gang of...
83
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,150
- Chickens.
- Chickens.
84
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,432
But real chickens, not you.
85
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,873
You know, Al, I've thought about
letting you spend the night in jail.
86
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,396
Well, thank you.
You know, it's ribs night.
87
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,071
Not tonight.
We have tickets for the theatre.
88
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:44,353
That's right.
Tonight it's Ace Ventura: The Musical...
89
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,879
...starring Nell Carter, Joyce DeWitt
and that guy that played Horshack.
90
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,917
He's Ace.
91
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,958
I confess to killing
a bunch of people...
92
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,356
...and eating them.
93
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,512
Then you've already had your ribs.
94
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,231
Breaking into Wrigley Field.
How else could you embarrass me?
95
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,472
Well, I could pull up the shade
when you're taking a shower.
96
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,429
Daddy.
97
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,349
I am so proud of you.
98
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:31,116
Now I can tell all my friends my dad's
an ex-con instead of a shoe salesman.
99
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,750
You see that, Peg? She's proud of me.
100
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:38,790
Yeah. She's also proud
of her shiny, shiny shoes.
101
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,230
They're shiny. Look.
102
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,956
Come on, Peg. So we had a little fun.
103
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,191
It's not like anybody knows
about this.
104
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,670
Hey, Dad, look.
105
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,236
You made the headline
on the Sports page. Look.
106
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,795
"Loons invade Wrigley Field."
107
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,598
What?
108
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,589
Damn press.
Look, they misspelled my name.
109
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,308
"Al Burdy."
110
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,955
Al Burdy?
111
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,709
Al Burdy.
112
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,633
I like it.
113
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,235
Peggy Burdy.
114
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,635
I really like it.
115
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,994
Hi, I'm Joe Morgan.
116
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,996
- Are you Al Burdy?
- No, no.
117
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,113
I believe the Burdy you're looking for
is the dodo over there.
118
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,311
Peg, that's Joe Morgan.
119
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,438
Kids, that's... That's Joe Morgan.
120
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,915
Mike Piazza, that's Joe...
121
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:51,033
Joe Morgan, that's Mike Piazza.
122
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,352
Well, what are you guys doing here?
123
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,114
Just trying to make an honest buck.
124
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,076
And with just about
every sport on strike...
125
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,430
...you guys are the biggest
news story going.
126
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:09,468
- Mind if I do a little interview?
- No problem.
127
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:14,271
He tries to sell shoes.
He tries to satisfy his wife.
128
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,149
He does neither. Back to you, Joe.
129
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,396
And who is this lovely lady?
130
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,915
That's my daughter, Kelly.
131
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,869
The redhead here
is her mother, Rodan.
132
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,394
Oh, sure, go ahead, Joe.
Interview away.
133
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,712
- Turn on the camera.
- How does this thing work again?
134
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,555
Turn it on where I'm talking, off when
you think you have something to say.
135
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,199
Got it.
136
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,398
We're here with the leader
of the Wrigley Field break-in boys...
137
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,353
...AI Burdy.
- That's Bundy.
138
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:56,996
Burdy, let me ask you this. Why?
139
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,395
I've asked him that myself
over the years.
140
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,999
He says he's either too tired...
141
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,988
Pay no attention
to the big red machine, Joe.
142
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,835
Why did we play baseball?
143
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,991
For the love of the game.
144
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,800
Just like every American husband.
145
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,838
It's all right seven months
out of the year...
146
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,594
...to sit on the couch
with a bowl of pretzels...
147
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,310
...and a frosty cold one
and watch baseball.
148
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,870
Since that right has been violated...
149
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,470
...and the owners and players have not
been able to resolve their differences...
150
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:37,669
...we just simply decided
to play the game ourselves.
151
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,594
Unfortunately, our audience
might have missed that...
152
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,515
...since the camera's
suddenly shooting Baywatch.
153
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,548
Anyway, Al,
it seems that you're not alone.
154
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,030
Are you aware that a challenge
has been issued...
155
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,153
...by another group of out-of-shape
fat guys from St. Louis?
156
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,599
What? Wait, you mean
another team of geezers...
157
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,314
...wants to play my dad's geezers?
158
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,232
Well, that couldn't possibly happen.
159
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:09,319
- We have tickets for the theatre...
- Silencio, Consuela.
160
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,549
Well, Al, do you accept the challenge
from St. Louis?
161
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,510
In a word, Joe, abso-freaking-lutely.
162
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,679
There you have it, sports fans.
163
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:30,117
This year's Major League Baseball
season may be at an end...
164
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,193
...but the game continues on.
165
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,550
I was just trying
my auto-focus thingy.
166
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,709
Baseball is America's game.
167
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,873
It belongs to the people
and the people is us.
168
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:53,908
So I, Al Burdy, say,
let there be baseball.
169
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,958
Let there be life.
170
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:05,029
You know, I can't believe Dad and
the rest of the Bad News Butt Cracks...
171
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,037
...are trying to form
their own league...
172
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,073
Trying to form their own league
and tour across the country.
173
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,192
Well, they did beat Street Louis.
174
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,040
That's St. Louis, honey.
175
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,719
I guess this league of his
is gonna be a success after all.
176
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,434
Bud, this is your father
we're talking about.
177
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,513
When has he ever done
anything successful?
178
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,872
Family...
179
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:40,798
...guess what you're looking at.
180
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,071
The sultan of sweat?
181
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,518
That's right, Peg. Charge the mound.
182
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,118
But they're lining up for us.
This thing could really be big.
183
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,753
We've even got a sponsor.
184
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,230
Who would be stupid enough
to sponsor you guys?
185
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,393
- Only the wealthiest man in Chicago.
- Michael Jordan?
186
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,433
Wealthier.
And my guy can hit the curve ball.
187
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,429
Family, allow me to introduce to you
the owner of our team...
188
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,676
...the Chicago Cleavage...
189
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,755
...and the owner
of the best damn nudie bar in town...
190
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,151
...Akbar Johnson.
191
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,276
Greetings all.
192
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,552
Bud?
193
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,352
Your team is sponsored
by a nudie bar?
194
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:41,513
Yeah. Not just our team, Peg,
but every team in the league.
195
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,149
The Boston Bazooms...
196
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,834
...the New Jersey Nay-Nays...
197
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,072
...the Buffalo Bodacious Ta-Tas...
198
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,437
...and the San Francisco Guys.
199
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,272
And you know
what the best part is, Peg?
200
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,074
Your uniform has a trap door?
201
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,513
If only the couch had one, Peg.
202
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,191
All our games will be away games.
203
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,000
I'll be gone six weeks.
I made up the schedule myself.
204
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,079
Isn't that great, Peg?
205
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,754
You mean, we won't be together
for six weeks?
206
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,439
Yes.
207
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,036
It's like the second honeymoon
I've always wanted.
208
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:23,154
And, kids, I haven't forgotten you.
I have a special surprise.
209
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,915
- We have to go with you?
- Hell, no.
210
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,989
No, but if this thing works out, Daddy
will be gone for many, many years.
211
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,232
And there's something very important
I need you to do.
212
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,073
What?
213
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,799
Something about this makes me want
to tell old high school football stories.
214
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:53,316
Well, you're lucky.
I have a sudden urge to read Big 'Uns.
215
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,878
I don't care what anybody says.
216
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,190
This has gotta be the worst job
in the world.
217
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,079
No, I've got the worst job
in the world.
218
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,754
Kelly, it's Bret Saberhagen.
219
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,911
Well, then why does his nametag
say Bobby Bonilla?
220
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,796
He called in sick.
221
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,318
Hey, Saberhagen, is that your
pizza truck in the red zone?
222
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,439
If I don't get this here in 30 minutes,
they'll take it out of my cheque.
223
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,519
At least you get a cheque.
I get paid in mall dollars.
224
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,592
Danny, can I bribe you with a pizza?
225
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,354
Let me check
my security guard handbook.
226
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,433
Yup.
227
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:54,151
- Hey, wait a minute. That's our pizza.
- Tell it to the commissioner.
228
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:34,515
Burdy. Burdy. Burdy.
Burdy. Burdy. Burdy.
229
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,591
That's Bundy.
230
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:40,196
Burdy. Burdy. Burdy. Burdy.
231
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,839
- Can I have a break now?
- No.
232
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:04,990
- Can I have a break now?
- Absolutely.
233
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:08,994
Thanks. Where the hell's Saberhagen
with my lasagne?
234
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,599
How does this thing work again?
235
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,389
That's it.
Next time, I'm hiring a hockey guy.
236
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,392
A fat woman
came into the shoe store today.
237
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,953
And Bud still looked up her dress.
238
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:39,913
Yeah, like I could help it.
239
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,152
Her dress, it was everywhere.
240
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,395
Hi, Mom. You look nice. How come?
241
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,713
Well, today is the end
of your father's road trip...
242
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:55,192
...and hopefully the beginning
of his seven-minute home stand.
243
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,992
So, Mrs. Burdy,
this must be a big moment for you.
244
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:00,753
I bet you miss the big guy.
245
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,434
Oh, yes.
246
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,474
I also miss my husband.
247
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,831
You know, the point is, that when
a man has been gone this long...
248
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,038
...any man,
it's just good to have him back.
249
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,198
Mom, that 's not Dad,
that's Dave Winfield.
250
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,715
- Mind your business.
- Mind your business.
251
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,637
Oh, the places I've been,
the people I've seen.
252
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,509
But when you get right down to it,
there's no place like home.
253
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,876
Come to Papa.
254
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,518
Look out.
255
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:53,829
Oh, Dave, I missed you so much.
256
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,118
We've gotta do something
about this strike.
257
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,188
Welcome home, Al.
258
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,631
It's refreshing to see someone
who plays just for the love of the game.
259
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,872
Well, it isn't just me, Joe.
260
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,032
I mean, kids who play sandlot ball,
do they play for money?
261
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,955
College kids without scholarships,
do they play for money?
262
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,071
Anything you do for love, Joe...
263
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,271
...money should never be
a consideration.
264
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,916
So the fact that Akbar
and the other owners...
265
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,475
...sold the TV rights
for your championship game...
266
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,591
...for $3 million doesn't bother you?
267
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,395
Not in the slightest, Joe.
And I've said this many times before.
268
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,076
I've always played the game for...
Three million dollars?
269
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,629
Does Akbar not take the risk?
270
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,398
- Does Burdy not bring in the fans?
- The owners are going broke.
271
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,551
- Show us your books.
- No.
272
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,159
We're the players. You need us.
273
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,759
We are the owners. You need us.
274
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,076
- Players. Players.
- Owners. Owners.
275
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,872
- Players. Players.
- Owners. Owners.
276
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,354
Players.
277
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,358
Well, it was made official today.
278
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,154
The owners and players
of the National Nudie Bar League...
279
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,828
...failed to reach agreement
on player compensation...
280
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,917
...for the upcoming
championship series...
281
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:06,193
...prompting yet another in a string of
unfortunate season-ending walk outs.
282
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,797
So to recap, baseball is on strik e.
Hock ey is on strik e.
283
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,713
And Saturday Night Live
just won't end.
284
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,475
That's three strik es and we're out.
I'm Joe Morgan.
285
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,992
We now join Filipino slap fighting
already in progress.
286
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,518
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
287
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,678
I now call to order this meeting...
288
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:35,000
...of the National Organization of Men
Against Amazonian Masterhood.
289
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,391
Brother Jefferson will read
the minutes of the last meeting.
290
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,872
- 8:01, 8:02...
- No.
291
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:47,069
...8:03, 8:04, 8...1
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,789
Disodium guanylate.
2
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,599
Diacetyl tartaric acid.
3
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,358
I don't feel good about this, Bud.
4
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,235
I mean, I know we're mad at Dad for not
letting us have a party and everything...
5
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,032
...but even he doesn't deserve this.
6
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,471
This is cool
and unusable punishment.
7
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,988
Desperate times
call for desperate measures, Kel.
8
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,677
Now, just a little
pyridoxine hydrochloride...
9
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,672
...and voila.
10
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,956
Snack mountain.
11
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:59,356
Now, once Dad washes this down
with tonight's episode of Psycho Dad...
12
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,597
...he'll say yes quicker
than you do on a first date.
13
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,630
Sure hope you're right.
14
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,793
Oh, good morning, kids.
15
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,639
Gee, you guys are up early.
What time is it?
16
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,472
Five p.m.
17
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:26,473
Oh, darn,
I slept through my afternoon nap.
18
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:27,709
So, what are you up to?
19
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,639
Oh, just trying to bribe Daddy
into letting us have a party.
20
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,439
You know, that could be tough.
21
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,636
I don't think he's forgotten
the last one.
22
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:40,398
You know, the nightsticks,
the sirens, the strip-searches...
23
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,469
Not to mention what happened
after the police got here.
24
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,997
Mom, a woman only turns 12 once.
25
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,710
I'm much more of an adulteress now.
26
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,278
So you think Dad'll go for it, Ma?
27
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,158
Well, I don't know...
28
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,951
...but at least you have his two favourite
food groups here. Greasy and salty.
29
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,870
And to seal the deal,
Psycho Dad's on tonight.
30
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,958
Yeah, for the sake of the party,
I hope he still likes the show.
31
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,875
Who's that riding into the sun?
32
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,390
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
33
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,876
Who's the man who kills for fun?
34
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:37,070
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad
Psycho Dad
35
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:46,478
Hi, Bud. Hi, Kelly.
Hi, couch monster.
36
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,079
Anybody know what night it is?
37
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,871
The night the rest of your body
secedes from your armpits?
38
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,155
Peg, how do you think of those
and fight gravity at the same time?
39
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,072
Anyway, tonight there's a very special
episode of the Dad on.
40
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,279
He caught his wife and the schoolmarm
teaching his son housework...
41
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,478
...but he's only got one cartridge left.
What does he do?
42
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:11,749
What would any of us do?
43
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,036
Dad, did you...? Did you notice
we made you some Psycho Dad vittles?
44
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,758
Yes, a veritable coronary-copia
of your favourites.
45
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,069
I'm sorry, but they were out
of the twice-fried gristle logs.
46
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,959
You two are the best kids
any father accidentally ever had.
47
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,711
Now, come on, beat it.
Psycho Dad's coming on.
48
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,716
- When do we ask him about the party?
- Okay, as soon as Psycho Dad is over.
49
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,520
- Okay.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen...
50
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,359
Psycho Dad!
51
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,152
- Will not be seen tonight...
52
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:55,155
...so we may present
the All Barbara Special.
53
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,678
Stay tuned as Barbara Walters
interviews Barbra Streisand...
54
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:03,038
...Barbara Bush,
and then Barbra Streisand again.
55
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,111
No Psycho Dad?
56
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,591
How can this be, Peg?
What moron is behind this?
57
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,991
Who's the guy whose show is done?
58
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,636
Whose TV hero's on the run?
59
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,156
Who'll be watching VH1?
60
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:34,997
Loser Al, Loser Al
Loser Al
61
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,354
Marcie, I don't think
this is a very good time.
62
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,750
Are you kidding?
This is a great time.
63
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,073
My women's group finally helped
get Psycho Dad cancelled.
64
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,518
Cancelled? You got it cancelled?
65
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,154
Indeed-y do.
66
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,789
- Okay, now can we ask him?
- No.
67
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,589
Why not?
The show couldn't be more over.
68
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,558
Why, Marcie?
69
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:09,357
Because Psycho Dad
was the most violent programme on TV.
70
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,791
Did you know that they portrayed
an average of 84 killings...
71
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,508
...per one-hour show?
72
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,153
Well, a man's got to reload.
73
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,119
My point, earwig...
74
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,750
...is that violence on TV
desensitizes people.
75
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,310
Well, so does marriage,
and they haven't cancelled that yet.
76
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:36,959
Despite all my letters.
77
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,476
And I don't want to hear any of that
politically-correct rooster poop...
78
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,314
...that television is the cause
of all our problems.
79
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,633
People don't act a certain way
just because it's on TV.
80
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:52,868
You know, that's true.
Al watches a lot of sex on HBO.
81
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,998
And Peg watches a lot of Models Inc.
82
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,829
Al, violence has no place
on the streets or on TV.
83
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:07,194
And we've got to start somewhere.
Today Psycho Dad, tomorrow...
84
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,198
...everything else that men enjoy.
85
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,270
Okay, now can we ask him?
86
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,959
Are you for real...
87
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,795
...or has someone switched you
with a pod from the planet Bimbo?
88
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,632
And if so, are...?
Are there more like you?
89
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,957
Hey, Al, what gives?
90
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:46,351
Yeah. Yeah. Did they take off
Psycho Dad on your TV too?
91
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,032
Oh, hey.
92
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,832
Hey.
93
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,471
Ranch style.
94
00:07:54,920 --> 00:08:00,074
Stand back, kids.
Huey, Dewey and Ewey are here.
95
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,348
Men, listen up.
96
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,598
They've cancelled Psycho Dad.
97
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,796
- What?
- Yes.
98
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,354
And you know who's behind it?
99
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,158
- Women?
- No.
100
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,437
Marcie D'Arcy, chicken-at-large.
101
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,111
Well, I say there's no way
we'll give up our Psycho Dad.
102
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,112
- What can we do?
- We can write letters.
103
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:27,388
- Well, real men don't write letters.
- They do to Penthouse.
104
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,508
They got letters in Penthouse?
105
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,990
Of course they have letters
in Penthouse.
106
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,549
So you have something to do
right after you...
107
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,878
Right after you...
108
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,673
You finish reading the interviews.
109
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,149
They got interviews in Penthouse?
110
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,590
All right, come on, everyone, think.
111
00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:01,755
We're men. Let's use the power
of our giant manly brains.
112
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,915
Ma, they've been like that
for hours now.
113
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,635
Should we get the jumper cables?
114
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,911
No need.
115
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:39,076
I got it! We'll picket the TV stations.
116
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,912
Once word gets out, men will come...
117
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,839
...from every part of the country.
Men, gather the troops.
118
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,112
This will be the biggest demonstration
Chicago has ever had.
119
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,952
Yeah.
120
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:11,275
- Hey, Al.
- Yeah?
121
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,990
You remember that
letter-writing idea I had?
122
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:26,718
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
123
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:32,353
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
124
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:36,513
Bring back the feeling in my feet.
125
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,513
All right, take a two-minute break.
126
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,792
- How long have we been here?
- Counting the break...
127
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,591
...2 and a half minutes.
128
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,274
Say, Al, don't think that
I'm not grateful...
129
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,750
...for your dragging me out
of a warm pool hall...
130
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,639
...to picket
on this balmy winter morn.
131
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,757
But are you sure
that anyone is giving...
132
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,788
...oh, say, a rat's patoot about this?
133
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,554
Boy, you don't know anything
about America, do you?
134
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,473
Its landscape
will be littered with frozen dead guys...
135
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,836
...if we don't get the hell out of here.
136
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,788
Well, for your information, ladies...
137
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,793
...this country was founded
on the power of protest.
138
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,635
From the Boston Tea Party
to the March of Dimes.
139
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,108
The strong and the brave...
140
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,193
...have always stood up
to make their voices heard.
141
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,829
Well, Al Bundy, too,
will make his voice heard.
142
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,514
I will stand, I will fight, I will...
143
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,753
Boys, here comes the cops.
Ditch the signs.
144
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,032
Well?
145
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,196
Hey, Officer Dan.
146
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,990
How's the wife and kids?
147
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,752
Warm.
148
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,797
Why aren't I?
149
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,355
Well, if by that you mean...
150
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,398
...what are we doing here, well, we...
151
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,476
Tell him, Jefferson.
152
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,750
Al made us come.
153
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,914
- Thanks, Jefferson. Nice cover.
- Okay.
154
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,958
Okay, boys,
let's head for the squad car.
155
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,031
Aren't you even gonna search us?
156
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,714
It's 13 degrees out here.
157
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,555
I don't even care
what I've got concealed.
158
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,512
Oh, come on, Dan. Give us a break.
159
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,796
We're just protesting, that's all.
160
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,237
Protest or no protest.
You just can't gather a...
161
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,512
Psycho Dad?
162
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,913
They took off Psycho Dad?
163
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:43,232
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
164
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:48,793
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
165
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,350
I don't understand it. The press must
have gotten wind of this by now.
166
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:56,513
- What could be keeping them?
- Polar bears, maybe?
167
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,991
All right, a couple of more times
around and we'll take a few...
168
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,111
...months off.
169
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:07,308
Hey, look, I think I see
another protestor coming.
170
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,988
Okay, snap to, boys.
Make him feel welcome.
171
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:15,712
- Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let your kids have a party.
172
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:21,512
- Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let your kids have a party.
173
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,957
Bring back Psycho Dad.
174
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,390
- Let...
- Hey now!
175
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,350
Sergeant at Arms Ike...
176
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,788
...eject the infidel.
177
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,195
- Yeah, get him.
- Get him, Ike! Get him!
178
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,431
Hey, Al, I've got an idea.
179
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,671
Bob Rooney's got a heated garage.
180
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:47,550
Yeah, and he's got the profile
of a manatee too. What's your point?
181
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,678
Well, we could protest there
and be warm.
182
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,679
Protest in Bob Rooney's garage.
183
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,514
But how can we be sure our message
will reach the people?
184
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,313
We'll leave our signs outside.
185
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:03,913
Genius.
186
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:12,835
Now, let's see. It's 40 degrees below
zero with 20 mile an hour winds.
187
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,390
Who do we send outside today?
One of our many Aryan anchormen...
188
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,076
...or the woman from a country
named after the equator?
189
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,436
- You're on.
- Hi.
190
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,514
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal.
191
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,912
And we are here live
outside the studios of WHBZ...
192
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,754
...where some sort
of pro-violence demonstration...
193
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,718
...was supposed to be held.
194
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,918
But the only evidence
we could find is a crumpled copy...
195
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,554
...of Penthouse Magazine...
196
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:46,072
...and the name "Al"
mysteriously written in the snow.
197
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:50,518
So once again,
it seems the joke's on me.
198
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,671
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal saying:
199
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,677
I'd have that anchor job by now...
200
00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:01,311
...if I had just slept with Peter Jennings
instead of Andy Rooney.
201
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,031
Hi, Daddy. How are you feeling?
202
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,916
Well, let's see.
203
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,351
I'm dead.
204
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:26,596
Oh, good.
Now, what would you say if I told you...
205
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:30,076
...that Bud and I got
Psycho Dad back on the air?
206
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,750
You got Psycho Dad back on the air?
207
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,032
You better not be kidding or you're
gonna have to outrun the Dodge.
208
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,997
Rush Limbaugh
can outrun the Dodge.
209
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,352
No, seriously, Dad, if we could get
Psycho Dad back on the air...
210
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,552
...would you let us throw a party?
- Lf you got Psycho Dad back...
211
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:54,515
...on air, not only would I let you throw
a party, I'd provide the fake vomit.
212
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,954
Well, break out the barf, Dad,
because we got Psycho Dad...
213
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,589
...back on the air,
and it's on right now.
214
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,797
But close your eyes first, Dad...
215
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,232
...because there's a few minutes left
of Saved by the Bell, The Prison Years.
216
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:24,915
And now, the return
of your favourite Western, Psycho Dad.
217
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,634
Well, shut my mouth
and call me Mary.
218
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,990
That is Psycho Dad.
219
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,237
That is Psycho Dad.
220
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,397
- What...? What's wrong?
- Just my stinking luck. It's a rerun.
221
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,033
- A rerun?
- Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode.
222
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,555
This is the part
where he's gonna shoot his wife...
223
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:52,032
...she ducks and he accidentally kills
President Lincoln instead.
224
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,076
Damn women.
225
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,394
That's no problem. I'll just fast-forward
the tape to the part you don't remember.
226
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,032
Dad, we only did this
to make you happy.
227
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,669
It wasn't to trick you
into letting us have a party...
228
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,519
...or that nifty vomit thing
or anything.
229
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,873
I knew it was too good to be true.
230
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:19,716
- So can we have a party?
- Begone, children of the corn.
231
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,197
Way to go, VCR Minus.
232
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:30,113
Well, like they say in France,
comme ci, comme di.
233
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,911
Al, turn on the TV. Psycho Dad's on.
234
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,832
Yeah, and my wife and kids...
235
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,470
...are just figments
of Stephen King's imagination.
236
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,678
No, really. It's on the news.
He's holding a press conference.
237
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,959
He is? He is. I knew he wouldn't
take this lying down.
238
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,953
- Hey, I bet he got my letter.
- You wrote Psycho Dad a letter?
239
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,515
Not actually a letter,
but I cut out some letters...
240
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,156
...from the newspaper
and taped it in, you know.
241
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,392
Like the way Psycho Dad did
when he kidnapped the circuit judge...
242
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,995
...so there couldn't be no wedding.
243
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:08,633
I knew the Psychster
wouldn't let his biggest fans down.
244
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:14,200
Sure the cancellation was a shock.
I felt hurt, I'd been rejected.
245
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,159
I thought,
"Well, nobody cares anymore...
246
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:22,076
...about a simple saga
of a guy run amok in the old West."
247
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,755
The man's a freaking poet.
248
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,872
And while I was at my lowest,
this letter arrived.
249
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,711
Maybe that's my letter.
250
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,833
It came postage due.
251
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,516
It is my letter.
252
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:48,274
I'd lik e to read it to you now.
"Dear, Syk o Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O.
253
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,037
What? You try to find
P's and H's in USA Today.
254
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,717
"Hi, my name is Al.
I'm just a regular Joe.
255
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,635
Sure I scored four touchdowns
in a game once.
256
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,788
But that's not the point.
The point is...
257
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,396
...I lik e you, Psycho Dad,
I really, really lik e you.
258
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,154
No, not in that way.
259
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,197
So please don't let them
tak e you off.
260
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,115
I beg you, fight this thing
lik e you would fight a varmint...
261
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:31,399
...or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al.
262
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:36,031
P.S., What does Barbara Eden
look lik e nak ed?"
263
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,317
- Barbara Eden?
- She's 1000.
264
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,512
I didn't mean now.
265
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,718
Ladies and gentlemen,
this letter has made clear to me...
266
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:51,636
...that if Psycho Dad elicits
this kind of response from the public...
267
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,589
...there's only one thing I can do.
- Fight! Fight!
268
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,677
- Quit.
- What?
269
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,148
Yes, quit.
270
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,871
Quit, apologize, and renounce forever
the character of Psycho Dad.
271
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,509
If this is the kind of following
that I inspire...
272
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,752
...then I'm afraid I must stop leading.
273
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,749
However, since the network's
offering me big bucks...
274
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,389
...be sure to watch me
in my new show:
275
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:21,191
Lefkowitz, Special Education
Teacher's Aide.
276
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:22,999
Thank you.
277
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:28,793
And to you, Al,
goodbye and get help.
278
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,468
I can't believe Psycho Dad
would sell us out.
279
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,472
That's not Psycho Dad talking.
280
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:41,354
He doesn't use words like "character"
or "education" or "Lefkowitz."
281
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,717
He's been brainwashed by people
like Marcie and her do-gooders.
282
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,428
Well, we've got
to think of something.
283
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,111
Use the power
of our giant manly brains?
284
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,590
No, that would take too long.
285
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:59,832
Yeah. What would Psycho Dad do
if he were one of us?
286
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:04,835
He would... He'd take some women
hostage and make them do laundry.
287
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,037
No, Psycho Dad
don't have no laundry.
288
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,192
He's been wearing
the same Psycho suit for 7 years.
289
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,755
And now he's hanging it up for good.
290
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,594
Well, we can't just sit here
and let it happen.
291
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:20,994
What do you want us to do? We're not
going back to ice station Zebra again.
292
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,028
No. I'm taking this fight to the place
that stands for liberty.
293
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:29,034
- That stands for freedom of expression.
- The nudie bar?
294
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,154
No. Well, maybe first.
295
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,277
Then we're going
to our nation's capital.
296
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,559
Gentlemen, NO MA'AM
is going to Washington!1
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,478
Washington, D.C., here I come.
2
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,398
See you, Son.
3
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,757
Bye, Dad.
4
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,552
See you, pumpkin.
5
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,711
Bye-bye, daddy.
6
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,713
Come here.
7
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,078
Oh, God.
8
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:21,192
Well, I can see by the stars on the wall,
it's time to go.
9
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,268
- See you, Kelly.
- Come on.
10
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,752
Thanks a lot, Dad.
11
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,230
Now I'll never know his name.
12
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,633
Pumpkin, you have to understand.
13
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,873
Part of being a parent
is protecting the morals of my children.
14
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,918
Okay, move. No, don't move.
15
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,798
Okay, move.
16
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,510
Wait, wait. Damn.
17
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,038
Now, pumpkin, as you know...
18
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,876
...as you know,
Daddy's going to Washington...
19
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,873
...to make America safe
for Psycho Dad.
20
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,679
Now, when your mom wakes up...
21
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:13,832
...and she will
because she knows I hate that...
22
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,635
...remember, you haven't seen me.
23
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,518
So it's like I'm doing you a favour?
24
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,552
Exactly.
25
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,791
Hey, Bud, did you hear that?
26
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,874
Dad wants us to do him a favour.
27
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,673
I'll call you. I mean it. I love you.
28
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,110
What he means is,
is that if we do you a favour...
29
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,112
...then we should get one in return.
30
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,715
You know, squid pro quo.
31
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,911
No party.
32
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,954
- Mom...
- Oh, wait, pumpkin.
33
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,269
Just try to keep the party
small this time.
34
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,471
Oh, thank you, Daddy. I promise.
35
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,395
Well, I mean, how much fun
could it be? Bud's gonna be there.
36
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,151
Tell me about it.
37
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,320
- AI?
- Oh, no.
38
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,674
Al, it is 5 in the morning.
39
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,195
- Where are you going?
- Fishing, Peg.
40
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,078
Ice fishing, to be exact.
41
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,754
You never used to like ice fishing.
42
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,834
Am I not permitted to grow
as a human being, Peg?
43
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,518
Well, I don't know, Al.
44
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,548
Well, if you don't believe me,
here's one of my ice-fishing friends.
45
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,396
Hey, buddy.
46
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,188
You ready to go deer hunting?
47
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,115
You mean ice fishing, don't you,
Jefferson?
48
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,669
- I voted no on ice...
- Come on.
49
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,713
Did I say deer hunting?
50
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,599
- I meant ice fishing.
- Yeah, Peg.
51
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,469
See, Jefferson forgot that a big part
of ice fishing is getting the bait...
52
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,750
...and in this case...
53
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,158
...it's deer.
54
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,477
Fish love deer.
55
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,190
Well, let's go.
56
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:25,433
Hey, guys, ready to go skiing?
57
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,274
Excuse us one minute, Peg.
58
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,558
Ready, break.
59
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,958
So you see, Peg,
after Jefferson gets the deer bait...
60
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,789
...Griff has to ski it
down to the lake...
61
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,472
...where Ike has set up camp...
62
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:08,071
...and Bob Rooney scuba dives it
into the lake...
63
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,511
...to see which fish
are the hungriest...
64
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,838
...telling Officer Dan...
65
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:19,995
...so he in turn
can smoke signal the information...
66
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,477
...back to me so I can ice fish...
67
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,076
...with utmost confidence.
68
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:38,197
Of course. Have a nice time, boys.
69
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:42,592
Let's go. Move them out. Mush.
70
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:51,071
- Catch a big one, Al.
- Oh, I already have, Peg.
71
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:04,428
Hello, Marcie.
Yeah, they just left for D.C.
72
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:09,952
All right. I'll meet you at the airport
around noonish? Great. See you.
73
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,318
Here we are, boys:
City of Brotherly Love.
74
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,716
No, that's Philadelphia.
75
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,999
- Well, what's Washington?
- A team without a quarterback.
76
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,637
You guys are so cynical.
77
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,037
Here we are in the capitol of
the greatest nation in the free earth...
78
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,953
...and you can't even appreciate...
Everybody down.
79
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,079
Nice room you got us.
80
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,392
Was the John Hinckley Arms booked?
81
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,349
Relax,
we're not gonna be here that long.
82
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,160
Tomorrow we address the Senate,
get Psycho Dad back on...
83
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:22,996
...strap some fish on the hood
of the Dodge and back in Chicago.
84
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,912
The Big Apple.
85
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,631
I don't want to rain
on anybody's parade...
86
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:33,196
...but what makes you think we can get
into Congress without credentials?
87
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,356
Sonny Bono did.
88
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,396
Besides, Jefferson said
he can get us in.
89
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:45,189
And you gotta trust the guy
that's named after a president.
90
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,474
I thought you were named
after Sherman Hemsley.
91
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,553
- Yeah, you know...
- Guys, guys, guys. Let's not argue.
92
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,549
We're in Washington. Let's take
advantage of what it has to offer.
93
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,273
Griff, check out room service.
94
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:03,268
Ike, fix that TV, so we don't have
to pay for the porn channel.
95
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,629
Hey, Al, don't you wanna call home,
make sure Peg and the kids are okay?
96
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,678
Relax, Jefferson.
Nothing's gonna happen.
97
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,799
Late word today from Chicago...
98
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,759
...where a simple house party
has spread lik e a virus...
99
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,912
...in what's being described
as a Woodstock without the music.
100
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,873
Police have been put
on tactical alert.
101
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:32,394
Oh, Santa, I've been very, very bad.
102
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,439
Hey, guys, we got porn on the TV.
103
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,309
We got the clothes on our back.
We got the beds to ourselves.
104
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:44,913
Dare I say it?
105
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,873
It doesn't get any better than this.
106
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,713
What took you so long?
107
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,957
Ice fishing, huh?
108
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,077
Well, we were on our way...
109
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:07,034
...and Ike said he had never seen
the Washington Monument.
110
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,876
Speaking of
the Washington Monument...
111
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,235
What is that?
112
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:21,552
C-SPAN is broadcasting
the Senate page tryouts.
113
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:25,993
Hey, and what are you doing here?
114
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,708
We came to stop you
from embarrassing yourselves.
115
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,478
Too late.
116
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,915
Now, what makes you guys think that
the Congress of the United States...
117
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,714
...could possibly care
what you have to say?
118
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,872
Don't you head lice realize...
119
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,919
...that the people of America
have spoken...
120
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,835
...and America is definitely
anti-violence. Look out!
121
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,199
Damn postal workers.
122
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,352
Hey, we're from Chicago.
123
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,869
Don't you know
we invented random violence?
124
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,476
I still say that you will never
get in to the Senate.
125
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:37,434
We will so. Jefferson said
he knows people in high places.
126
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,274
Jefferson knows jack.
127
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,590
When are you gonna stop
telling the buffoons...
128
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,995
...these fanciful Bondian tales
of derring-do.
129
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,270
If you were half as creative
with your resume...
130
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,268
- Good evening, Bullwinkle.
- Hello, Chopper. Geronimo.
131
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,199
- Long time no see.
- What's up?
132
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,034
Iraq, Iran, I married.
133
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,434
- So, what time do you need the bird?
- 0600 will be fine.
134
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:06,868
- Cool. Over.
- Out.
135
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,996
You know, we are really going to
have to talk about your past someday.
136
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,075
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the United States Senate.
137
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,318
Look at it, guys.
138
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:45,749
This is where it all happens.
The power, the intrigue, the chicks.
139
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,357
Look, guys,
there is no way the U.S. Senate...
140
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,711
...is gonna put aside the important
business of running this nation...
141
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,798
...to discuss something as moronic
as Psycho Dad.
142
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:09,188
We'll have to table this debate
on the Arab-Israeli peace accords.
143
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:15,153
The men from NO MA'AM are here
to lobby on behalf of Psycho Dad.
144
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:25,313
Oh, we are really going to
have to discuss your past.
145
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,030
Would the group approach the chair
and take a seat, please?
146
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,720
Hey, wait a second now.
147
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,589
- Where are you two going?
- Well, up there with you.
148
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,752
You can't think that we're gonna let you
fight for Psycho Dad...
149
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,757
...without us having our say, do you?
150
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,349
Oh, Bullwinkle...
151
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,391
Good morning, gentlemen.
My name is Senator Furman...
152
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:11,355
...and I am chairman of the Presidential
Subcommittee for Taste in Television.
153
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,074
Hey, Al. "Taste in Television."
154
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,039
- T-l...
- Shut up.
155
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,073
You six are here to argue
on behalf of a television show...
156
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,033
...that was recently cancelled
due to excessive violence...
157
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,834
...namely Psycho Dad.
158
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,992
- Now, who will begin?
- I will, sir.
159
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,470
Remember, Al, short and to the point.
160
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,598
Yeah, and don't say anything
that'll make us look stupid.
161
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,796
No problem.
162
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,032
Senators and senatorettes.
163
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,836
Since man has evolved
from the mighty atom...
164
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,676
...he has searched endlessly
for two things...
165
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,310
...the other is entertainment.
166
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:02,874
Entertainment was easy
for the simple caveman.
167
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,398
Man brought home food,
woman burn it.
168
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:13,391
Giant pterodactyl swoops down,
chases woman, she falls in mud.
169
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,871
A good laugh was had by all.
170
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,470
- Sit down, Mr. Bundy.
- Yes, Your Majesty.
171
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,671
Anyone else?
172
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,670
You there with the moons.
173
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,479
Yes, sir.
174
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,758
Well...
175
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,880
...we just think you should
bring back Psycho Dad...
176
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:45,989
...because he symbolized everything
that's great about this country.
177
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:49,994
I mean, like, take the time he went
charging into that Indian village...
178
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,954
...that was filled with unarmed women
and children. So he's blasting away...
179
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,070
What the total stranger standing
beside me is trying to say...
180
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,078
...is nobody talks
about the good side of Psycho Dad.
181
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,436
Gentlemen, is it not true...
182
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:09,315
...that the lyrics to the Psycho Dad
theme song, in part, reads:
183
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,751
"He's quick with a gun
But he loves his son
184
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,356
So he killed his wife
'Cause she weighed a ton"?
185
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,154
In Psycho Dad's defence...
186
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,075
...when he married her,
she wasn't fat, Your Bigness.
187
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,713
Sir.
188
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,953
As a peace officer
who's proud to be a NO MA'AMer...
189
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,033
...I think we have to distinguish
between real violence...
190
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,468
...and cartoon violence.
191
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,029
Yeah, like last night...
192
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,511
...when Dan here emptied his.38
into a crowd of punks?
193
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,196
They knew this man
and his hot lead were for real.
194
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:57,116
Now, a cartoon Dan, in the first place,
would have to be much better looking.
195
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,837
- I submit this sketch.
- You...!
196
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,110
- Is there anything else, gentlemen?
- Yeah.
197
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,069
Look, I know we could have been
a little more articulate...
198
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,511
...if we had taken notes
like I wanted to do...
199
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,679
...instead of staying up all night
watching The Panty Clause.
200
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:28,153
But our point here is we know
where real violence comes from...
201
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:33,235
...and it's not from that magic box
I like to call TV.
202
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,557
Oh, sure, the tube
can be blamed for a lot of things.
203
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,030
Brent Musburger.
204
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,072
Full House.
205
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,793
Any show where overweight
female cops dress up as hookers.
206
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,117
But violence, that's too easy.
207
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,830
We've been brought up on Road Runner
cartoons and The Three Stooges.
208
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,878
But how many of us have run a saw
across a bald guy's head?
209
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,353
How many of us have drawn a tunnel
on the side of a mountain...
210
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,677
...only to watch our loved ones
smash themselves into it?
211
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,039
And you know why?
212
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,795
Because we had parents,
ladies and gentlemen.
213
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,589
Parents who said,
"Don't do what TV tells you to do.
214
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:18,311
Do what we tell you to do,
or it's five across the eyes..."
215
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,516
Anyway, I say if there's a problem
with TV today...
216
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,598
...it's because parents
aren't saying that anymore.
217
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,479
Take my kids, please.
218
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,429
Thanks for the joke, Jefferson.
219
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,194
Kennedy's on the floor.
220
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,274
Kennedy's always on the floor.
221
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,555
Anyway,
my kids may not be angels...
222
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,473
...but when they screw up,
I don't blame TV.
223
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,952
I put the blame squarely
where it belongs, on their mother.
224
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,357
- And rap music.
- And rap music.
225
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,790
- I like rap music.
- No. No, no.
226
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,312
Guys, guys, I'm talking to the Senate.
227
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,478
So in conclusion, I'd like to say...
228
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,433
...the next time you want to find
the source of violence...
229
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,200
...try looking
on the other side of the screen.
230
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,311
Thank you...
231
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,797
...and God save the queen.
232
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,835
- What happens now?
- Well, unfortunately, Griff...
233
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,237
...the wheels of justice
move very slowly.
234
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,439
We've reached a decision, Mr. Bundy.
235
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,391
Violence is not acceptable
in a civilized society.
236
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,677
Psycho Dad's gone
and this meeting is adjourned.
237
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,071
Take it easy, Griff.
238
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,190
We might have lost Psycho Dad,
but we will win the war.
239
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,271
It's not that.
240
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,035
To tell the truth,
I never even liked Psycho Dad.
241
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,595
Well, what is it then?
242
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,311
I really thought
we were going ice fishing.
243
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,588
- AI, if it means anything...
- It won't.
244
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,830
- Let's go.
- We will win this thing, Peg.
245
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,311
- Common sense will prevail.
- I know, dear.
246
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,472
Hey, Peg, hey look at that.
247
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,032
Well, thank you, Mr. Bundy.
248
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,158
I would have been lost
without my Discover card.
249
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,310
Is there anything I can do for you?
250
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,155
Well, you can try
to put guys like that in jail.
251
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:07,070
Or cancel Blossom. Maybe that's
where he got the idea to wear the hat.
252
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,077
And in our continuing coverage
of the mother of all parties...
253
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,191
...the Chicago blowout
has now engulfed...
254
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,436
...a major portion
of the upper Midwest.
255
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,069
The National Guard
has begun setting backparties...
256
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,953
...in hopes of containing the melee.1
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,151
Here we go.
2
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:21,999
Fresh from the oven.
3
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,792
Not that I bake, mind you.
4
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,356
It's just that that's where I hide it
from Al and the kids.
5
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,717
I'll get the forks.
6
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:34,431
Now, let's see.
Where do I keep the good plastic?
7
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,676
We couldn't wait.
8
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,993
Glad I'm not made
of buttercream frosting.
9
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,039
Mom.
10
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,198
What is the best news
that you could possibly hear?
11
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,000
They're making men in flavours?
12
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,352
Yeah. I got a commercial.
13
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,471
Now, it's not just any commercial.
14
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:16,151
I am going to be
the new Waist Away Diet girl.
15
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,317
Honey, that is terrific.
16
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,596
Waist Away. That's a good diet.
17
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,473
I've lost hundreds of pounds
on that one.
18
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,709
You know, I am one of those people
that can't lose weight no matter what.
19
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,434
I don't know.
You know, slow metabolism, I guess.
20
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,198
I don't know.
21
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,397
Mom, don't you see
what this means?
22
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,710
This could be my springboard
to Hollywood.
23
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:46,033
TV, movies, made-for-TV movies.
24
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,754
Movies made from old TV.
25
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,119
Mom, I'm finally on my way.
26
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,153
Hey, Buck, I'm finally on my way.
27
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,558
Mr. Clock, I'm finally on my way.
28
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:06,308
Bud and the rubber woman,
I'm finally on my way.
29
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:13,309
I take it Al and his NO MA'AM herd...
30
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,273
...had a meeting tonight?
- Yeah. Why?
31
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,040
Because there's a bumper sticker
on my car which says:
32
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,392
"Support feminists.
Hairy women need love too."
33
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,153
So tell me, where
is the little knuckle-walker?
34
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,553
With the rest of the husbands
down at the Jiggly Room.
35
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,352
The Jiggly Room?
36
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:37,754
Isn't that a strip club?
37
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,276
No, it's a school of science
and industry.
38
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,392
Do you all mind if I ask a question?
39
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,796
Do we have to stop eating?
40
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,631
Why do you let your husbands
go to places like that?
41
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,831
Think about the message
that they're sending.
42
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:57,119
They're saying, you don't turn us on,
so we'll just get stimulated elsewhere.
43
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,914
Well, that's sick. It's disgusting. It...
44
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,839
Oh, my God,
is that John F. Kennedy Jr.?
45
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,154
It's downright insulting.
46
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,155
Marcie, what is the big deal?
All men go to strip clubs.
47
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,152
Not my Jefferson.
48
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,794
You may let the eyes
of your men wander...
49
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,878
...but I am more than enough woman
for mine.
50
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,159
Did you see the headlights
on that last stripper?
51
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,349
How about the tail lights
on the one with the tattoos?
52
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,396
No. No, no, no.
Those weren't tattoos.
53
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:48,828
Those were my fingerprints.
54
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,558
Okay, you guys go ahead on in.
55
00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,395
Now, in case Marcie's in there,
remember, I wasn't with you.
56
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,473
I was working security at...
57
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,512
Wong's Dry Cleaning.
58
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,238
Okay, guys, it's time to face
the wives.
59
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,595
All right, now remember this,
men.
60
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:18,994
Just as a man's eyes...
61
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,998
...must adjust to the light
when he's been in the dark...
62
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,760
...so, too, must a man's eyes
adjust to his wife...
63
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,718
...when he's been in the nudie bar.
64
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,439
Ergo, do not look directly at them.
65
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,592
Let's do it.
66
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,153
Hey, Peg.
67
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,474
Hi, guys. How was the club?
68
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,792
The same thing.
You know, it's no big deal.
69
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:00,908
Just a minute.
70
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,953
Now, tell me, what do you guys
get out of going to strip clubs?
71
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,679
We get out of the house.
72
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,791
Seriously, Al.
73
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,037
Come on now, Peg.
Don't let Foghorn Leghorn here...
74
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,390
...make an issue out of this.
75
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:19,959
It's no big deal.
76
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,958
Oh, hey, guys.
77
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,590
I just got back
from guarding stuff.
78
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,039
- Where have you been?
- Jefferson.
79
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,675
They went to a strip club.
80
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,999
You make me sick.
81
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,433
Jefferson thinks it's a big deal, Al.
82
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,717
So tell us. What do you do there?
83
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:53,995
Nothing. Sit and watch ladies
dance and jump.
84
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,797
- And are they naked?
- No!
85
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,950
No, they're wearing those...
86
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,754
- What-you-call-its.
- Shoes?
87
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,193
Well, all I can say is that
if I ever caught my Jefferson...
88
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,073
...going into a place like that,
I would do things to him...
89
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,875
...that would make Lorena Bobbitt
toss her cookies.
90
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,556
And what do you do
with those strippers?
91
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,718
- Do you touch them?
- No!
92
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,035
No, we don't do anything with them
that we wouldn't do with you.
93
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,634
And you know we don't touch you.
94
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,198
That's just the point.
95
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,073
Marcie says the only reason
you go there...
96
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,669
...is because we
don't turn you on anymore.
97
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,751
Oh, she does, does she?
98
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,873
Well, how ridiculous is that?
You people don't turn us on anymore.
99
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,191
Anyway, ladies...
100
00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,392
...while it may seem that the nudie bar
is a place where men go...
101
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,036
...to watch surgically-altered hooters
sway oddly to bad music.
102
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,719
In reality...
103
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:10,118
...it is a place where men go
to relax and unwind and...
104
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,790
...watch surgically-altered hooters
sway...
105
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,434
...oddly to bad music, Peg.
106
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,518
Gee, Al, I guess we were misled.
107
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,553
- Sounds like totally innocent fun.
- You're right.
108
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,394
So I guess you wouldn't mind
if we joined you?
109
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,751
- Join us?
- At the nudie bar?
110
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,510
Well, sure.
We wanna relax and unwind too.
111
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:37,755
From what?
112
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,748
Tearing open them packages
of Ho Hos with your teeth all day?
113
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,711
Exactly.
114
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,036
I mean, no!
115
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,353
Take it or leave it, Al.
116
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,915
Either you take us with you
the next time you go...
117
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,475
...or you are never
going there again.
118
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,560
And just how are you gonna stop us?
119
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,712
We won't give you any money.
120
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,192
Well, that'll do it.
121
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,276
Al, are you nuts?
Taking the wives to the nudie bar?
122
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,790
They're gonna see how we act.
They'll kill us.
123
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:29,076
Jefferson, first of all, what makes
you think I'm afraid of my wife?
124
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,397
The fact that we're whispering
about this in your garage.
125
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,557
Listen, I got this thing all worked out.
126
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,910
We're going to take them
on Thursdays.
127
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,949
Thursday night?
That's our bowling night.
128
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,957
And why do we go bowling
on Thursday night?
129
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,234
Because at the Jiggly Room,
it's always...
130
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,789
A-cup night.
131
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,229
There's not a doctored yummy
in the house.
132
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,709
Hence, we won't get excited.
133
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,598
But what if we do?
134
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,759
Well, then try to imagine
Jefferson's wife up on stage...
135
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,718
...with no clothes on.
136
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,155
If that doesn't work, try to picture
Jefferson up on stage with no clothes.
137
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,798
What if that doesn't work?
138
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,390
Then you're out of the club.
139
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,790
Hi, I'm here for the commercial.
140
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,036
I'm Kelly Bundy, the Waist Away Girl.
141
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,309
Are you the hairdresser?
142
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:51,595
No. I'm a professional wrestler
they've nicknamed "The Hairdresser."
143
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,678
Oh, okay.
144
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,119
When the hairdresser gets here...
145
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,198
...tell him that I'm supposed
to be peppy for this commercial...
146
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,356
...so I'd like kind of
a windswept look.
147
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,710
Not too far off the face,
but with the sides...
148
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,434
...with a little bit more texture. Okay?
149
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,073
Done.
150
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,192
Thanks.
151
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,319
Excuse me.
152
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,158
I'm looking for the dressing rooms.
153
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,551
Oh, they're over
in the producer's office.
154
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,076
But he's really stupid.
155
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,795
He had me try on 30 different outfits
before he made up his mind.
156
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,832
Thanks.
157
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,993
Kelly Bundy to the set, please.
158
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,313
Hi, Kelly. I'm your director.
159
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,838
Okay. Okay.
160
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,873
When I say action, I want you
to turn away from the fridge...
161
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,433
...Iook into the camera, say:
162
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,676
"And, baby, look at me now,"
then sip, go...
163
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:01,279
...and say the flavour.
Can you do that for me?
164
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,036
Is a bear Catholic?
165
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,632
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
166
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,111
Places, please.
167
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,033
Oh, how will I know
what the flavour is?
168
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,708
- From the taste.
- Okay.
169
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,752
Waist Away Diet Ad, take one.
170
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,632
Action.
171
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,277
And, baby, look at me now.
172
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,518
Cow pie.
173
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,317
That's cherry.
174
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,878
You taste it.
175
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:51,039
I have. Look, from now on
we'll just label the cups.
176
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:55,677
Cups? How much of this bile
do I have to drink?
177
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,518
Action.
178
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,997
And, baby, look at me now.
179
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,157
Kiwi.
180
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,190
Cabbage.
181
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,672
Salmon.
182
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,432
Cut.
183
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,275
Well, this is it, dear.
This is where I go.
184
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,790
- Go right this way.
- Right this way, ladies. Right this way.
185
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,669
- Jeez, what a dump.
- Oh, I don't know.
186
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,276
It's better than some
of the restaurants Al's taken me to.
187
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,792
Jefferson, I still don't understand
why you have to dress like that.
188
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,230
I'm a pillar of the community, Marcie.
I shouldn't be seen in places like this.
189
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,678
- Oh, hi, Jefferson.
- Hello, Mai Lin.
190
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,349
That's a relief.
191
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,949
I thought I was the only
dry-cleaner security guard...
192
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,957
...working undercover tonight.
193
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:50,235
Gee, Al, I can't believe you spend time
in places like this.
194
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,795
I mean, what kind of example is this
for our son?
195
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,992
I gotta go.
196
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,516
Another emergency bypass,
Dr. Bundy?
197
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:14,272
Yes. Yes, it appears my beeper has
just gone off.
198
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,952
Also.
199
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:23,995
I'll see you tomorrow.
200
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,513
"Good evening, patrons.
201
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,191
And welcome to the Jiggly Room...
202
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,470
...where we present the finest...
203
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,990
...in yada-yada-yada.
204
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:44,519
Our first A-cup tonight
is a delectable little dish...
205
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,917
...we like to call Shay Shay."
206
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,834
Now, let's see. Where did we
leave off last week?
207
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,878
We were discussing
health-care reform, I believe.
208
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,918
Oh, yes. I think...
209
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,755
Oh, excuse me, ma'am,
I believe you dropped this.
210
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,789
We were weighing the benefits
of medical malpractice torts...
211
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,357
...against across-the-board
employer insurance contributions.
212
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,833
Yes. I'd like a bowl...
213
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,794
...of your freshest
air-popped popcorn, please.
214
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,993
And I'd like an unflavoured
mineral water with a lemon wedge.
215
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,112
Two beers.
216
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,635
Gee, Al, I have to admit...
217
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,354
...this isn't anything
like I thought it would be.
218
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,028
I know. Usually it's a little more
civilized in here...
219
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:46,398
...but when talk turns to health care,
damn it, I become an animal!
220
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,992
Ginger or Mary Ann?
221
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,478
Mary Ann.
222
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,950
Gilligan or Mrs. Howell?
223
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,313
Well, that depends. How long
we been on this island?
224
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,233
Al, we have to apologize.
225
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,954
I really thought you came down here
to ogle these women.
226
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,436
But if this is how you're gonna act,
you can have it. Come on, girls.
227
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,835
Oh, no, no, Peg.
No, now wait a minute here.
228
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:29,716
Don't go. Ike is about to start
a conversation on auto repair.
229
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,356
Now you just stay seated here,
the night's still young.
230
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:38,515
"And now, the Jiggly Room
presents a very special treat.
231
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,115
She is usually here on Saturdays...
232
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,835
...but this week
she'll be getting married.
233
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,352
To me.
234
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:54,518
And here she is, the two,
the only Rocki Mountains."
235
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,875
Oh, my God.
236
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:20,713
Helen, you still here?
237
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,238
Go home.
238
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:37,236
Would someone please tell me
who on earth would find that sexy?
239
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,878
Men, get ahold of yourselves.
Get a grip.
240
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,351
Who's man enough
to climb the Rockies?
241
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,558
I can't take it anymore!
242
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,479
It's party time!
243
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,873
Boy, Louise is gonna kill him
when he gets home, huh, Helen?
244
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:25,236
Hey, Al, you think the wives will ever
let us come back to this place again?
245
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:32,354
It'll be where they dump the bodies
after they gut us in our sleep.
246
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,035
We can't go on dancing
like this forever.
247
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,912
What'll we do?
248
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,634
What we all know we have to do.
249
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,032
- You mean...?
- I'm afraid so.
250
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,640
Oh, Charlie.
251
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,599
Oh, Ike.
252
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,038
Oh, Bob Rooney.
253
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,913
Oh, Al.
254
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,952
Oh, Mr. Lincoln.
255
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,592
Hey, buddy...
256
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,793
...you up for the Jiggly Room
tonight?
257
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,231
No, Jefferson, I'm all jigglied out.
258
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,796
Hey, guys, guess what it's time for.
259
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,911
Armageddon?
260
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,753
No, better. It is the world premiere
of my Waist Away Diet commercial.
261
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,190
Man, when people see my face
in this commercial...
262
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,029
...the offers are gonna rain down
like halves and pogs.
263
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,994
I'm... I'm gonna be huge.
264
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,998
Will Waist Away work for you?
265
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,595
Ask former heavyweight,
Diane Graham.
266
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,751
Other diets let me down.
267
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,633
So I tried Waist Away.
268
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:57,113
And, baby, look at me now.
269
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,356
That's not my head.
270
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,870
They didn't use my head.
271
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,790
And remember,
I'm not just a Waist Away client...
272
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,117
...I'm the president
of the company's daughter.
273
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:21,789
Now, now, pumpkin, you know
that life is full of little setbacks. Now...
274
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,275
You... You just have
to stand tall and...
275
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:28,189
And learn to face them
with courage and... And dignity, huh?
276
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:34,838
Oh, Al, look what we got
at the Hungry Undie?
277
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,440
Your favourite, Jefferson.
278
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,955
Butterscotch.1
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,396
Cut it out.
2
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,395
Cut it out, Bud.
I'm just not in the mood right now.
3
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,238
How could you not be in the mood?
4
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:40,115
When we did it a month ago, you said it
was the best three minutes of your life.
5
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:46,792
It was. I'm just not ready
for an encore yet.
6
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,435
I like to take my time.
It makes it special.
7
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,396
You know,
if it gets much more special...
8
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,398
...I won't be able to guarantee
a full three minutes.
9
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:04,034
Trust me. It'll be better
when we both really want it.
10
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:10,838
Okay. Okay, fine.
I'm not an animal. I can wait.
11
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,991
Mental note:
Sleep on stomach tonight.
12
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,992
I give up.
13
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,953
Today was the worst day of my life.
14
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,758
Worse than the day you found out...
15
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,554
...that big brush in the bathroom
wasn't for your teeth?
16
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,154
Okay,
the second-worst day of my life.
17
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,590
I went to go read
for this great movie part...
18
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,076
...but before I had a chance to audition,
they gave it to somebody else.
19
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,710
- Who?
- Meryl Streep.
20
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,668
Now, come on, what does she have
that I don't have?
21
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,713
What? You mean,
besides the Oscars, the fame...
22
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,514
...and the command
of the English language?
23
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,757
- Yeah.
- Well, it begins with a T.
24
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,398
I got those.
25
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,551
Talent, Gump.
26
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,832
See, in short, Kel, the problem with
your acting career is that...
27
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,316
...well, you stink. You reek.
28
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,954
What you should be reading for
is the girl who says:
29
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,390
"If you're under 18,
please hang up now."
30
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,553
Not that I would ever use
those things.
31
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,515
Sometimes you just misdial
calling the Library of Congress.
32
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,833
The numbers are so similar.
33
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,717
You don't think I'm good enough
to be an actress?
34
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,434
You're hardly a believable Kelly.
35
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,511
So you ready?
36
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,557
You should be ashamed of yourself.
37
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,957
I am. You ready?
38
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,349
No, I'm not ready.
39
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,912
I can't believe I let you have
what you claimed was sex with me.
40
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,795
You are just so mean to your sister.
41
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,911
Yeah. So? You ready?
42
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:30,913
A good, caring brother
would help build her self-esteem.
43
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,555
I thought you were different
from other guys.
44
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,432
I thought you were sensitive.
45
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,311
I'm sensitive. I am. Honest.
46
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,195
I come from a long line of caring,
sensitive, Bundy men.
47
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,875
Where's my shotgun?
48
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,878
Where's my shotgun?
I'm gonna blow his freaking head off.
49
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,840
Don't you think you're overreacting
just a little?
50
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:05,396
Some bird chirps on my side
of the window every night for a week.
51
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,194
Just because I want to pump
6 pounds of buckshot...
52
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,159
...into its 3-ounce body,
I'm overreacting?
53
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,275
I said we were sensitive, not sane.
54
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,633
Woman, my aught-six.
55
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:23,634
I don't have your aught-six anymore.
I gave it to the mailman.
56
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:28,277
He was so depressed about losing
his job, I thought it might cheer him up.
57
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,953
Well, what am I gonna do, Peg?
I can't sleep.
58
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,991
That can be deadly
in my line of work.
59
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,156
What if a fat woman tries
a pair of heels...
60
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,557
...and I'm not alert enough to
shift my body before she topples?
61
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,796
Amber, you're here.
62
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,191
Didn't I warn you about this house?
63
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,278
Remember the story,
The Bundyville Horror?
64
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,630
This is the place.
These are the people.
65
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:58,071
And this is the church
and this is the steeple.
66
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,957
Marcie, despite your annoying flapping
of both lip and wing...
67
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,878
...I'm glad you're here.
68
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,389
I'm having a problem with birds.
69
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,637
Perhaps you can speak to them
in their native tongue.
70
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,390
They're keeping me up.
71
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,790
What's their secret?
72
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,713
They look the same as they did
in high school.
73
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,274
Well, if you really want to scare them
away, an owl will usually do it.
74
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,948
An Al? I'm an Al.
75
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,836
An owl, you dolt. You know:
76
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,314
What?
77
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,676
- Not "huh."
- "Not huh," what?
78
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,632
Not huh. Not what.
79
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:40,558
Who, Al who?
80
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:44,355
Not "Al who." Owl:
81
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,956
Oh, an owl.
82
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,231
Why didn't you say so?
I need to get me an owl.
83
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,192
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
84
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:57,791
Al, either you're going to the zoo
at midnight, or come to bed.
85
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,876
Well, since she put it that way,
to the zoo!
86
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,354
Let's go, Amber.
87
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,028
And I want you to take a shower
the minute we get home.
88
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,954
Look, Amber, maybe we just got off
on the wrong foot.
89
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,276
How about just a little kiss?
90
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,955
We can settle in for some CNN.
91
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,715
Okay, Bud.
92
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,959
In a perverted sort of a way,
I kind of respect your opinion.
93
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,311
So before I kill myself,
would you mind telling me...
94
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,670
...is there anything that I'm good at?
95
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,672
Kel, if there were anything--
96
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,155
I thought you were special.
97
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,430
--wrong with you,
I'd have told you long ago.
98
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,392
Like, take your acting.
99
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:57,833
You see, when I said you stink, I meant
you stink at choosing your roles.
100
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,952
You know, like anyone from
the Saturday Night Live cast.
101
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:06,555
Well, those who can, do.
Those who can't, do not.
102
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:13,636
Yeah. Look, what I meant was, there
are much better jobs out there, Kel.
103
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,876
For instance,
I was just dating this actress.
104
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,152
Well, she plays topless
Lady Macbeth at the nudie bar.
105
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,829
She happened to mention to me there's
a commercial audition for Fryer Tuck's.
106
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,349
You know, the fast-food place
with the merry menu?
107
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,915
I bet you I could get you an audition.
108
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,515
Bud, you are an angel.
109
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,473
I don't mean like someone
who died without ever having sex...
110
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,193
...although I could.
111
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,796
I mean an angel
who does good deeds.
112
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:44,319
Why are you being so nice to me
all of a sudden?
113
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,950
Well, I've matured.
114
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:52,153
And I now realize there's a satisfaction
to be gained by helping others.
115
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,869
Amber won't give you any, will she?
116
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,193
No.
117
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,513
Yup, Amber, I got Kelly an audition.
118
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,029
And I am at my most sensitive.
119
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:18,152
So I was thinking,
how about topless poetry in my room?
120
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,879
Hello? Hello?
121
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,799
Mom, can you tell me
something about love?
122
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:36,230
Yeah. It's a many-splendored thing.
123
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,436
Have you seen my toenail clippers?
124
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,153
I mean,
what makes a woman want a guy?
125
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:46,273
I mean, you actually wanted Dad
at one time, for some reason.
126
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,113
Well, then you're not talking love,
you're talking hard liquor.
127
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,795
Oh, Bud, I'm just kidding.
128
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,436
There was a time when your father
was a very desirable man.
129
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,912
Guess who.
130
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,957
Now is not one of those times.
131
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:18,436
Dad, tell me you didn't rent an owl suit
to sit in a tree and scare birds.
132
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,631
I did not.
133
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,036
I bought this baby.
134
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,595
Talked him down to 400 bucks...
135
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,473
...and he threw in
the night vision goggles. See?
136
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,470
Now do you wonder
why I took my name off the mailbox?
137
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,836
I almost got a live owl at the zoo...
138
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,713
...but I found out something
very important last night.
139
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,879
Never try to sneak past a rabbit hutch
with an owl in your pants.
140
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,151
Even though they can't see,
they just know.
141
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:51,793
Time to go to work.
142
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,036
Honey, are you sure about this?
143
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,913
Relax, Peg. The guy who sold it
to me gave me a guarantee.
144
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,394
- Money-back?
- No.
145
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,512
He just said it would work,
put a closed sign on and drove away.
146
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:06,748
Hey, don't worry. I gave him a cheque.
It's not good or traceable or anything.
147
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,559
Did you get the Fryer Tuck job?
148
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,873
No, not yet.
It's down to me and another girl.
149
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,752
But in order to get the commercial...
150
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,110
...I have to learn how to shoot
a bow and arrow.
151
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,072
You know, architecture?
152
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,159
What am I going to do?
153
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,272
The other girl is already
a good architect.
154
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,997
How long do you have
before the callback?
155
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,630
A week.
I can't learn to shoot in 10 days.
156
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,197
Oh, Bud, will you help me, please?
157
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,119
Oh, the things I do for love.
158
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,038
Not you.
159
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,634
Marcie's niece, what's-her-tush.
160
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,276
Okay, let's begin.
161
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,632
Okay, let's stop.
162
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,398
Start over.
163
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,750
Remember what the guy
in the archery store said?
164
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,753
"Jump up and down
while I take these pictures"?
165
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,988
After that. Remember?
166
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:34,753
Look, feet apart, relax,
breathe slowly. Left arm, straight.
167
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,632
Okay, no, you're way too low now.
Aim higher.
168
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:04,909
Dad, before you get mad, just please try
to encourage her. She's just learning.
169
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,798
Fine. I'll keep the bleeding internal.
170
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,952
Thanks, Dad.
171
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,955
Look, this is not gonna work.
I mean, let's face facts.
172
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,151
If God wanted people to shoot a bow...
173
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,999
...he wouldn't have invented
assault weapons.
174
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,831
Look, that last shot wasn't your fault,
okay?
175
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,634
No bird has a butt that big.
176
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,755
- Now let's just try this again, all right?
- Okay.
177
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,072
Just relax. All right?
178
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,992
Will the arrow.
179
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,270
Use the force.
180
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,232
Told you.
181
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,832
Relax, relax.
182
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,838
Remember, there's nothing
to worry about. Okay?
183
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:02,471
You just keep saying to yourself,
"I am an architect."
184
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:04,878
Got it.
185
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,392
- So where's your competition?
- Over there.
186
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:18,357
Now, Kelly doesn't exactly have
to win this thing for me to score, right?
187
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:25,350
Well, might as well introduce myself.
No sense in being a bad sport.
188
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,470
Hi. I'm Kelly.
May the best girl win.
189
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,433
Bull's-eye.
190
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,670
What a quaint custom.
191
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,872
Here's one my mom taught me.
192
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,789
Hello, ladies.
How are my finalists today?
193
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,592
- Fine, Mr. Tuck.
- Fine, Mr. Tuck.
194
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:52,113
Oh, please, "mister" is so formal.
You can just call me "Sugar Daddy."
195
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,758
Now, as you girls know,
you are so close in talent...
196
00:14:55,960 --> 00:15:00,909
...the only legal way to decide
who gets this role is with a shootout.
197
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,519
You have any questions?
198
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,759
- Actually--
- Good, then let's scoot and shoot.
199
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,079
How do we know who goes first?
200
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,471
I mean, should we flip a coin
or draw straws or--?
201
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,116
How about if I go second?
202
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,830
Okay. All right.
203
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,395
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is
the last shot of the competition...
204
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,477
...and at the request of Miss Bundy...
205
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:54,434
...we will now flip a coin
to see who goes first.
206
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,391
Your turn, lame aim.
207
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,750
Bud, I cannot beat that.
208
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,349
Yes, you can. You can do anything.
209
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,915
You're just saying that
to score with Amber.
210
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,352
Yes, I am.
211
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,273
But you can win this
and I'm gonna help you.
212
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:26,913
- Really?
- Yes, of course.
213
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,872
You just tell me
what you want me to do.
214
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,439
Okay.
215
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:37,193
For my final shot, I am going to
shoot an apple off my brother's head.
216
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,873
Now, wait, wait, wait a sec now.
I'm her brother.
217
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,272
Kel, don't you think this apple thing
has been done to death?
218
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,232
Not yet.
219
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:57,630
Bud, I think it's so sexy,
what you're doing for your sister.
220
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:06,033
How sexy do you think it is
on a scale of one to do-l-get-some?
221
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,791
Let's do it.
222
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,069
- Isn't Bud the greatest?
- Yeah.
223
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,714
Damned if I'd do this for him.
224
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,439
What am I doing?
225
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,315
Am I so desperate for sex
that I'd risk certain death?
226
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,513
Why, yes. Yes, I would.
227
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:32,389
Okay. Stand still.
228
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,828
You know, I am really touched
that Bud is doing this.
229
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,473
For the first time in my life...
230
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,797
...it's like someone in my family
really believes in me.
231
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,437
God, I'm actually tearing up,
which is totally not good for Bud...
232
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,313
...since now he's nothing but
a blur from here.
233
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,911
Oh, what do I need to prove?
234
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,998
Having a family on your side
has got to be more important...
235
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,839
...than having some
fried-chicken typhoon...
236
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,237
...telling me I'm finger-licking good
every morning.
237
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,755
I can't do this.
I don't need to be the Fryer Tuck girl.
238
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,635
I'm just proud enough
to be that horndog's sister.
239
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,590
Thank you, God. Thank you.
240
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,914
I'm out of the contest.
The job's yours.
241
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,349
Couldn't do it, could you?
Candy ass.
242
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,268
Candy this.
243
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,272
Yeah, that was pretty amazing.
244
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,438
I haven't seen
an emerald-crested night thrush...
245
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,359
...since I took bird-watching
in college.
246
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,789
You know, to meet chicks.
247
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,158
But when I heard
this little fella's distinctive call...
248
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,711
...I knew I had to notify
the authorities.
249
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:19,799
To think, in Al's yard,
two endangered thrush eggs.
250
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,396
Well, I'm just glad they stopped him
before he could eat the other one.
251
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,150
I am gonna miss him, though.
252
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,511
Yeah, but it's not like you can't see him
whenever you want.
253
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,599
Well, time to go watch Kelly
taping her Fryer Tuck's commercial.
254
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,638
Will Bud be okay?
255
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,354
Oh, sure. He's been changed.
256
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:55,036
And besides, when is a turnip
ever really not okay?
257
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,390
Bud, we're leaving.
258
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:04,393
Mommy go. Daddy, tree.
Bud-Bud, sofa.
259
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,910
Oh, isn't that cute? His first words.
260
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,954
Soon, he'll be eating solid foods
and walking again.
261
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,993
They do grow up fast, don't they?
262
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,552
Bud, Aunt Marcie won't be back
for hours.
263
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,591
I want you, bad.
264
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,276
Girl. Yucky. Cooties.
265
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,519
Men.
266
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,631
- Oh, well, it could be worse.
- Oh, well, it could be worse.
267
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,434
- At least I'm not Dad.
- At least I'm not Bud.1
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,272
Okay, Kel, let's go over the plan
just one more time, all right?
2
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:23,195
Now, you can't go to Wanker County
with Mom and Dad because...?
3
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,510
I have to do a commercial
for traffic safety.
4
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:30,550
That's right. And I can't go to Wanker
County with Mom and Dad because...?
5
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,678
A rubber sheep is demanding you
take a blood test?
6
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,275
Fine. No, fine. Fine.
We'll go to Wanker County.
7
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,789
Don't come to me when they ask
why you're single...
8
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,639
...when you have
a perfectly good brother.
9
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,759
Come on, Bud, I was just kidding.
I can do this.
10
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,310
Daddy might have been able to break
me when the police brought me home...
11
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,512
...at 2 in the morning,
but I am not 11 anymore.
12
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,555
Okay, there's the Dodge
early-warning system. Let's go.
13
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,237
- Now, remember the plan.
- Gotcha. What plan?
14
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,516
Just kidding.
15
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,473
Al, why are you in such a bad mood?
16
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,234
Some men like going shopping
with their wives.
17
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,072
Sure, for coffins.
18
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,954
I hate buying stuff
for the Wanker folk, Peg.
19
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,509
Well, they like stuff from the big city.
20
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,398
We just have things they can't get.
21
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,790
Let's make sure we got it all.
22
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,197
Wax.
23
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,798
String.
24
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,190
Things that go click.
25
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:52,758
And to think, they bestowed
their highest honor on you.
26
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,228
Well, that's understandable.
27
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,233
I'm the only person they ever saw
who doesn't have a shell.
28
00:02:57,920 --> 00:02:59,148
Scoff all you want.
29
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,470
But I think being named
the grand marshal...
30
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,030
...of the Wanker County
Bicentennial Parade is a big deal.
31
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,999
Yeah, Dad. Come on,
they're celebrating 200 years.
32
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:12,233
Since what?
They crawled from the oceans?
33
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,797
No way was it that long ago.
34
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,554
Two hundred years ago,
it was bought from the Indians.
35
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,553
Not the legend
of Wanker County again.
36
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,918
Wanker County was originally
called Obi Luba Possa Wadamy.
37
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,869
Which means,
Land of the Big Gassy Possum.
38
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,952
Which explains why Disney has no
interest in putting a theme park there.
39
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:41,349
Look, I for one
am very excited to be going.
40
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:51,359
I said, I for one am very excited
to be going to Wanker County...
41
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,795
...with my sister.
42
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,675
Come in.
43
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,429
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
44
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,150
I've got something I have to tell you.
45
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:09,075
I'm afraid that Bud and I won't be able
to go to Wanker County.
46
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,597
You see, I just got a commercial
for traffic safety.
47
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,912
And Bud, since he works for
the Department of Vehicle Services...
48
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,196
...is going to consult.
49
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,232
The end.
50
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,119
Well, bye.
51
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,679
Hold it.
52
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,598
Pumpkin.
53
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,710
I want you to look Daddy in the eye.
54
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,957
Okay, it was a lie.
55
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,952
But it was all Bud's idea.
56
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,390
That's right.
57
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,518
I wanted to go to Wanker County.
58
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:59,151
And not only that, last Tuesday
Bud drank milk right from the carton.
59
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,552
And when he was 11,
he smoked a cigarette.
60
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,554
When I think of the pain...
61
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:11,157
...and the suffering that I went through
for you to be conceived...
62
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:19,910
You should be ashamed of yourself
for deceiving your family this way.
63
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,668
Al.
64
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:32,477
The home office just ordered us to
have a 24-hour emergency shoe sale.
65
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,233
The fat women have landed.
You gotta come.
66
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,876
Dash it all.
67
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,711
I was going to Wanker County.
68
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:51,351
- I'm sorry, Peg.
- Just a second.
69
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,477
Griff.
70
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,950
Look me in the eye.
71
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,153
There really is no shoe sale.
72
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,110
It was all Bud's idea.
73
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,356
And he dialed some 976 numbers
from the shoe store.
74
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:20,149
And he took a handful
of cerebral-palsy mints without paying.
75
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,035
And you know what he did
when he was 11, right?
76
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,191
Goodbye, Griff.
77
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:31,116
- See you when you get back, Al?
- Oh, you can count on it, buddy.
78
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,879
Now, aren't you three ashamed
of yourselves?
79
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:47,079
You mean in general, or because
of this Wanker County hooey?
80
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,073
We are all going and that's final.
81
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,920
It's not gonna work, Buck.
82
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,394
It was all Bud's idea.
83
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:08,032
Now, like I was saying, we're all
gonna go and we're all gonna have fun.
84
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:09,793
- Right?
- Right, Mom.
85
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,917
No.
86
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,355
Okay. Now, let's stop at the car wash.
87
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:15,788
Car wash? What for?
88
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,991
So the Dodge will look nice
in the parade.
89
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,553
How nice do we have to look?
90
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,349
This year's theme is thumbs.
Show them if you got them.
91
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,075
You know, Peg, I hate car washes.
92
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,835
That Dodge is a finely tuned
precision instrument...
93
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,152
...and I don't want some stranger's
rough hands all over it.
94
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,753
Sir, we need the keys.
95
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,871
Now, you keep your hands
off my CD player.
96
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,712
Al, we don't have a CD player.
97
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,554
We would have, Peg,
if you hadn't have said that.
98
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,432
Would you just calm down?
99
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,238
This is supposed to be fun.
100
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,118
Let's buy a car air freshener.
101
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,715
Do they have a scent
called "New Wife"?
102
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,909
Peg, your trouble
is you spend money in a frivolous--
103
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,951
Oh, a racing stripe.
104
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,996
The Dodge does not need
a racing stripe.
105
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,789
It couldn't hit 60
if you dropped it out of a plane.
106
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,635
No, but you could, Peg.
107
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,078
Oh, Peg, look. Car bras.
108
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,837
The Dodge does not need a car bra.
109
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,355
Well, it's not for the Dodge, Peg.
110
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,755
No, it's for your mom.
111
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,837
See, it's even in her size.
112
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,758
Astrovan.
113
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,234
You know something, Kel?
114
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,959
I always wondered...
115
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,432
...you think hot carnauba wax really
comes out when the light goes on?
116
00:08:56,680 --> 00:09:01,276
Bud, maybe you should save those
mind-bending insights for a date...
117
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,833
...or perhaps a willing rubber ear.
118
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,910
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the only
talking that goes on on your dates is:
119
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,270
"Keep the line moving."
120
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,348
Look at this place.
121
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,670
What kind of loser
works at a car wash?
122
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,871
Marcie, I don't wanna work
in a car wash.
123
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,635
Look, I am tired of coming home
after a hard day's work...
124
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,350
...and hearing you say, "Honey,
guess who was on Oprah today."
125
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,239
It's like being married to Peggy.
126
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,432
Come on, this is the most
embarrassing thing in the world.
127
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,513
There is nothing wrong
with an honest day's pay.
128
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,389
Besides, who is gonna see you?
129
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,435
Oh, my God! It's the ex!
130
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,671
Quick. Hide.
131
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,359
- Steve.
- Marcie.
132
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,637
- Steve.
- Marcie.
133
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,597
So, what brings you to the car wash?
134
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,556
Well, my car was dirty and they do
such a lousy job of cleaning it...
135
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,672
...down at the batting cages,
I thought I'd bring it here.
136
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:46,071
Well, it's nice to see you're
still such a sarcastic twit, Steve.
137
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,710
Besides, I thought you were
in the desert protecting the wildlife...
138
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,430
...and performing Guys and Dolls
with your little cactus friends.
139
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,710
That, much like our marriage,
was just a phase.
140
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,116
I did the environmental thing, and then
decided I wanted to find myself.
141
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:07,512
And what I found
was myself likes money.
142
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:12,151
So did Mr. Marcie let you out alone?
143
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,991
Have you been here long?
144
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:25,270
I guess for a little while. It takes a long
time to detail a Lincoln Town Car.
145
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,310
You're driving a Town Car?
146
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,837
I live in town.
147
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,752
So...
148
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,309
...where is the new, unimproved,
unemployed me?
149
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,755
At home watching Richard Bey?
150
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,075
If it's Jefferson you're referring to,
I'll have you know he's...
151
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,276
...at the office.
152
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,795
You know, where he's busy
working on his--
153
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,474
- Tan?
- Career.
154
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,951
- So, what'd you get, Al?
- Nothing.
155
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,509
I saw you over there
by the audio cassettes.
156
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,955
- What'd you get?
- Nothing.
157
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,632
"Ned Beatty Sings The Blues"?
158
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,117
He's got a right.
159
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,870
I'm gonna put this back.
160
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,391
Now, let's get the car.
161
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,676
They better not have screwed up
my Dodge, Peg.
162
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:23,674
They are not gonna screw up
the Dodge, Al. They're professionals.
163
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,276
Mr. Bundy, I don't know
how to tell you this...
164
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,590
...but we can't find your car.
165
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,351
What do you mean
you can't find my car?
166
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,397
I saw it go in.
167
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:40,233
Me too. But it never came out.
168
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,749
That'll be 8.95, please.
169
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,957
Hi, I'm Mikey. I'm the manager.
170
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,994
Of what, the Mets?
171
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,310
I don't take lip from shoe salesmen.
172
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,836
What do you want?
I have a book report due tomorrow.
173
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,279
Well, I want my car.
It never came out the other end.
174
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,119
Are you sure you brought a car?
175
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,716
No, I drove the wife.
176
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:23,190
Of course I brought a car,
you zit farm.
177
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,352
Hey, Daddy.
I'm afraid I got some more bad news.
178
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,477
I thought I'd check
the lost and found.
179
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,636
Oh, this ought to be good.
180
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,355
There were no Dodges.
There was a nice Plymouth, though.
181
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,397
Oh, Al.
182
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:42,792
I don't want a Plymouth, Peg.
I want my Dodge, dagnab it.
183
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,190
"Dagnab it"?
184
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,069
What'd you do, get the Hooked on
Phonics: Yosemite Sam tape?
185
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,112
This is ridiculous.
How can our car just disappear?
186
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:58,108
Well, Siegfried and Roy
make that tiger disappear.
187
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,954
Well, we all know where that goes.
188
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:07,110
Look, Bundy, we don't want you
to go away a dissatisfied customer.
189
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,477
So here's a card
good for one free car wash.
190
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,958
Now, this is ridiculous.
191
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,713
I'm gonna retrace my steps.
192
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,873
Somewhere in this car wash
is a Dodge with my name on it.
193
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:24,633
Gee, I didn't know
they made a Dodge Loser.
194
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,158
Hey, wait a minute. I have an idea.
195
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,318
Let's have Buck go search for it.
He's a dog.
196
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,437
Oh, come on, he's 100.
197
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,714
He misses
when he tries to lick himself.
198
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,389
Oh, so do you.
199
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,677
But a dog never loses
his sense of smell.
200
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,832
Go find the Dodge, mighty Buck.
201
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,032
Go.
202
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,111
Go.
203
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,713
What's he doing?
204
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,232
He's going.
205
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,789
Maybe I should have said "leave."
206
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,156
I still would've gone.
207
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,912
I say, there's got to be
a logical explanation for this.
208
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:16,953
Hey, maybe somebody stole it.
209
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,397
We would have seen somebody
driving off in our car.
210
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,391
It's not like we're not observant.
211
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:33,993
I mean, there are four of us.
212
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,754
One of us would have had
to see something.
213
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,713
Well, if that car is still here,
it's not gonna get past me.
214
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,350
Yeah. Let's just keep our eyes peeled.
Come on.
215
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,511
I know what you're doing, you know.
216
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,593
Sitting there like some soulless,
money-grubbing snob...
217
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,070
...because you know it turns me on.
218
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,832
Well, it's not going to work.
219
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:11,358
I already have a man and
he's even more materialistic than you.
220
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,432
And how much
of that material is yours?
221
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,348
Are you implying
that I support Jefferson...
222
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,830
...and that he's never earned
a penny in his life?
223
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,031
Because you don't know
the half of it--
224
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,475
Are those Gucci loafers?
225
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,998
Yes. They do look smashing on me,
don't they?
226
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,550
Well, they do distract
from the rest of you.
227
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,879
Same old Marcie.
228
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,031
Flat and to the point.
229
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,589
For being in the women's restroom,
we're gonna dock you a week's pay.
230
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,236
Well, there goes that yacht
I was gonna buy.
231
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,714
You're already on thin ice...
232
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,356
...Mr. Ivy-League-Pervert-in-the
Bathroom-Looking-Up-Women's-Skirts.
233
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,551
I don't want any more
shenanigans out of you.
234
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,593
I want you buffing the next thing
that comes out of here.
235
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,040
Al, what are you doing here?
236
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:20,751
I was on my way to Wanker, thought
I'd stop and walk through the car wash.
237
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,030
- Wasn't the wax hot?
- Yes.
238
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,795
But that's the price you pay
if you wanna wear a bikini.
239
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,516
Do you mind?
240
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,948
Very nice, Al.
241
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,191
You are here
dilly-dallying with Jefferson...
242
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,038
...and we're looking for the car.
243
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,508
Peg, what is it with you?
244
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,756
You can change six D batteries
in the dark...
245
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,595
...but you can't find a 2-ton
automobile in broad daylight.
246
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:56,150
Let's not start talking about
who can't find what in the dark.
247
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,238
All right, all right!
Here's what we'll do.
248
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,232
We'll split up.
249
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,588
Then what?
250
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,956
That's it. Just split up.
251
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,240
I should've thought of this
years ago.
252
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,913
Dad, what about the car?
253
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,913
Look, I say we each take
a different path and circle the lot.
254
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,515
- I mean, the Dodge has gotta be here.
- Bud's right.
255
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,753
But when we find it,
we still get to split up, don't we?
256
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,831
Well, Marcie,
I see the Town Car is ready.
257
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,559
Anyway...
258
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,070
...I'm sorry I didn't get to see that busy
executive husband of yours.
259
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,589
That's right. He is busy.
260
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,671
Doing what an executive does.
261
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:40,516
Interfacing, networking,
making multi-million-dollar decisions.
262
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,196
Hey, Willy, towel or sponge
on the hubcaps?
263
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,037
I see he's in the middle
of a power wash.
264
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:54,231
Okay, so maybe he's not
on the Forbes 400, or 4000...
265
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,995
...or maybe he wouldn't even be
a rich man in Peru...
266
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,708
...but he's got something
you will never have.
267
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,837
A Windex holster?
268
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,508
Class.
269
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,473
Which, I might add, money can't buy.
270
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,750
Jefferson doesn't need
to make a lot of money.
271
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,992
I'm happy with him
just the way he is.
272
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,554
Marcie, I got soap in my eye.
273
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,069
Shut up. Let's go.
274
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,675
- I thought you wanted me to work.
- I do.
275
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,595
It's just that I have another position
in mind for you.
276
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,197
Maybe two.
277
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,593
Here, you dropped your hat.
278
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,116
- Come on, get in the car, let's go.
- Yes, sir.
279
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,353
Hey, hey, hey.
280
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,518
- Aren't those my shoes?
- Yes, sir.
281
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,352
I had them polished for you.
282
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,429
You know, I can't believe it.
It's gone.
283
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,511
The Dodge is really gone.
284
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,433
Maybe the earth opened up
and swallowed it.
285
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,797
No. Then it would have
spit it back up.
286
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,754
You know,
it's not so much the Dodge...
287
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,752
...as what was inside it.
288
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,718
What was in it?
289
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,188
Stuff.
290
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,112
- Big 'Uns?
- I'm not saying.
291
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,749
Bundy, I just got off the phone
with the owner.
292
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,150
He wants to do something
to make this up to you.
293
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,237
- What?
- We're gonna buy you another car.
294
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,271
- I don't want another car!
- Shut up, Al.
295
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,512
- But, Peg, there's still stuff in that car.
- Shut up.
296
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:39,994
How does a new Hyundai sound?
297
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,475
Like an old lawn mower.
298
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,119
I want my car!
299
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,555
Would you shut up
and just take the car before--?
300
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,633
- Mr. Bundy, we found your car.
- Of course.
301
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,233
- Where was it?
- On the lot.
302
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:55,109
Yeah, when we washed all the dirt off,
we found it was a different color.
303
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:02,714
Gee, Al, maybe if we got you to take
a shower, we'd find out you were black.
304
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,636
But then again...
305
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,951
- Hey, what color was it?
- Red.
306
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:14,149
Hey, come to think of it,
I remember buying a red Dodge.
307
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,271
Look at her, family,
isn't she a beaut?
308
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,715
Look at him, family,
isn't he a shoe salesman? Let's go.
309
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,235
Wait. I gotta check
and see if my stuff's in here.
310
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,948
- What stuff?
- Oh, you know. Big 'Uns.
311
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,395
It's not Big 'Uns, Peg.1
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:17,779
Today on Oprah:
2
00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:22,855
Qualified experts speak rationally
about relevant social issues.
3
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:24,254
What?
4
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:26,576
Just kidding. Today's topic:
5
00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:29,817
Sluts who hang out at 7-Eleven.
6
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,820
Congratulations, Peggy.
7
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:43,574
Happy 25th wedding anniversary.
8
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:44,974
How do you do it?
9
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:46,528
Well, I don't.
10
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:47,968
Well...
11
00:01:48,260 --> 00:01:51,536
...I do,
but only after Al goes to sleep.
12
00:01:52,260 --> 00:01:53,579
To tell the truth, Marcy...
13
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:56,414
...I don't think Al knows
that today is our anniversary.
14
00:01:57,660 --> 00:02:00,333
Well, I hope you're not planning
anything special for him.
15
00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:01,768
Of course I am.
16
00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:05,729
I'm getting him the sweat socks that
Michael Jordan wore in his last game...
17
00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:09,615
...signed and unwashed, for $500.
18
00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:12,811
Now why would you go
to all that trouble...
19
00:02:13,020 --> 00:02:14,772
...when you know
he's not getting you anything?
20
00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:17,978
Because then I will own him.
21
00:02:19,020 --> 00:02:22,330
I will have something to lord over him
for the rest of his...
22
00:02:22,540 --> 00:02:27,694
...hunched-over, minimum wage-earning,
fat lady-pleasing, shoe-selling life.
23
00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:38,529
Well, at least you are going to get one
great anniversary present because...
24
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:43,451
...I am taking you to one of Chicago's
finest massage and beauty spas.
25
00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:46,572
Antoine's Under the EI.
26
00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:51,693
I bought the all-day
soak and poke package.
27
00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:56,932
A massage?
28
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:58,334
Well, I don't know, Marcy.
29
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:01,896
You know, I'm not comfortable taking
my clothes off for total strangers.
30
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,539
They'll be men.
31
00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:07,093
What are we waiting for?
32
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,376
Oh, it took forever for them to leave.
33
00:03:28,620 --> 00:03:32,090
Yeah, but much like a 'roid,
they come back with a vengeance.
34
00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:38,693
That's one thing I learned
from my first 800 years of marriage.
35
00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:42,538
Well, where'd you hide Peggy's gift?
36
00:03:42,740 --> 00:03:45,334
In a place she'd never think to look.
37
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:55,855
Diamond necklace.
38
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:02,693
All part of my master plan
to avoid having sex with the wife.
39
00:04:03,620 --> 00:04:06,180
See, first I take her to Denny's.
40
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:10,540
She stuffs herself
so full of popcorn shrimp...
41
00:04:10,740 --> 00:04:12,935
...she lists to one side.
42
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,694
And just before she's ready to belch,
"I love you"...
43
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:18,379
...I lay this on her.
44
00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:21,572
Between the combination of shrimp,
necklace...
45
00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:25,739
...and the NyQuil Mickey
I'll be slipping in her pia colada...
46
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,733
...she'll be unconscious...
47
00:04:27,980 --> 00:04:30,619
...I'll be home
watching midget wrestling...
48
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:34,490
...and the only hand down my pants
will be my own.
49
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,974
Dad, I got a problem.
50
00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:56,331
We were out walking Buck
when we ran into old Mrs. Stewart.
51
00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:58,576
And she was wearing her
yellow rain slicker...
52
00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:02,011
...and I guess Buck must have thought
she was a fire hydrant.
53
00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:06,219
So, in a butt-shell...
54
00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:09,733
...here is your cleaning bill
and a court date.
55
00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:13,892
Daddy, what's wrong with Buck?
56
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:16,409
Well, now, kids, come here.
57
00:05:17,140 --> 00:05:20,894
I never thought I'd be having
this conversation, because frankly...
58
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:24,251
...I didn't think
I'd still be alive on this...
59
00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:27,418
...my 40,000th anniversary.
60
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,811
But it's time we all faced facts.
61
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,651
Buck's getting old.
62
00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:34,811
Is he gonna die?
63
00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:36,893
Yes.
64
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:41,494
Go play.
65
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,619
What?
66
00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:45,538
Kelly...
67
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:49,898
...what Father Teresa
is trying to say...
68
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,170
...is that just because
Buck is getting old...
69
00:05:52,380 --> 00:05:54,496
...it doesn't mean
he's gonna die immediately.
70
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:56,975
The important thing
is that you just treat him...
71
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:59,774
...like any other member of the family
when they get old and senile.
72
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,250
Oh, you mean steal their food
and mix up their medicine.
73
00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:11,856
I don't want Buck to get old and senile.
74
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:15,695
Pumpkin, sweetheart, let me explain
the aging process to you.
75
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,016
I, too, was a young man.
76
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:19,653
Oh, no.
77
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:23,734
Young enough to score four touchdowns
in a single game.
78
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:32,254
Then darkness cast
her giant red shadow over the land.
79
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,693
It was...
80
00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:37,215
...the wife age.
81
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:40,409
And he thinks I'm getting old.
82
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,370
I never wanted children.
83
00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:45,775
I wanted to just
work on car engines...
84
00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:49,017
...and make kissing sounds
when women walked by me.
85
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:52,333
The wife never shared my dream.
86
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,048
I've got to prove to him
that I'm not senile.
87
00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:57,296
I know. I'll bury a bone.
88
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,058
That'll show him.
89
00:06:59,260 --> 00:07:02,252
Now if I can just find a bone.
90
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:08,819
Oh, excuse me, madam.
91
00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:12,618
There's a bone.
92
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,817
Now to take it to the back yard.
93
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,534
Will you stop following me?
94
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,570
Twenty-five years?
95
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,213
How can that be?
96
00:07:28,420 --> 00:07:31,332
I was just in high school.
97
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:35,370
Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
98
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:42,976
So this is how women
who didn't marry shoe salesmen live.
99
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:44,892
And it only gets better.
100
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:49,930
We're starting with the Tibetan
sensuous massage with cactus fronds.
101
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:52,856
Is that good for you?
102
00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:54,694
Oh, it's great.
103
00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:58,017
It takes off the first four layers
of dead skin.
104
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:00,532
Well, what if your skin isn't dead?
105
00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:02,657
It will be.
106
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:05,571
Mrs. D'Arcy.
107
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,494
- How lovely to see you again.
- Oh, Sven.
108
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:10,850
This is Peggy.
109
00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:20,850
Peggy, Sven is mine.
110
00:08:21,340 --> 00:08:23,456
Chance, your masseur,
will be with you shortly.
111
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:27,739
Mrs. D'Arcy,
are you prepared to be pricked?
112
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:33,212
Am I.
113
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,732
Oh, Chance?
114
00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:40,177
No, I'm Dave. I'm straight.
And I run the gift shop.
115
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:45,377
Hi. I'm Peggy. I'm celibate
and it's my 25th wedding anniversary.
116
00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:47,378
Anniversary? No.
117
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:49,616
I would have thought
it was your 25th birthday.
118
00:08:52,340 --> 00:08:54,137
I'll take five.
119
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:55,899
I haven't shown you anything yet.
120
00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:58,615
Oh, yes, you have.
121
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:01,568
Well, then, why don't
we just step into my office.
122
00:09:01,780 --> 00:09:03,896
Well, I guess I could do that
for a minute.
123
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:05,931
I'm waiting for my cactus treatment.
124
00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:07,573
Oh, Peggy...
125
00:09:07,820 --> 00:09:09,697
...now, I may be way out of line here...
126
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,812
...but I feel that your skin
is much too delicate...
127
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,454
...to be subjected
to the cactus smacking.
128
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:17,696
Now, I have a toner here...
129
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:20,619
...than can produce that same rosy glow
without the pain.
130
00:09:20,820 --> 00:09:22,970
And it's only $50.
131
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:25,780
Mrs. Bundy, I'm Chance.
Your masseur.
132
00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:29,450
Are you ready to join your friends
in pleasure?
133
00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,738
Hold your fronds, Chance.
134
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,660
Only $50, you say?
135
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:46,215
You're a bad boy.
Bad boy.
136
00:09:46,540 --> 00:09:49,418
Buck, don't you know you're not
supposed to track mud into the house?
137
00:09:49,660 --> 00:09:50,775
No problem.
138
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:54,814
Next time I'll just fly around the room
until my paws dry on their own.
139
00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:11,619
Kids...
140
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,937
...look what Daddy rented for $8.
141
00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:23,891
Did it come with the matching
Urkel glasses?
142
00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:27,251
Laugh all you want.
143
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,337
Shut up.
144
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,373
Now...
145
00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:33,138
...with the money I saved...
146
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,808
...I was able to buy your mother...
147
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:37,968
...this.
148
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:44,459
A hairy Abba-Zaba?
149
00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:48,739
All right, kids.
150
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,658
Where's your mother's necklace?
151
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:52,691
We don't know, Dad.
152
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,460
I had it in a white box
with a red ribbon around it.
153
00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:57,019
Odd.
154
00:10:57,220 --> 00:11:00,895
I buried a white bone
with a red ribbon around it.
155
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:03,770
I put it right there
under that cushion.
156
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:09,173
This won't look good
on the old rsum.
157
00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:13,579
Okay, I'll just go dig it up
and put it back where I got it.
158
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:15,691
How easy is that?
159
00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:18,691
What am I looking for?
160
00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:26,011
Pardon me, sir.
161
00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:28,736
All right,
let me explain something to you kids.
162
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:32,098
If I don't get that necklace,
then I can't give it to your mother.
163
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,018
If I can't give it to your mother...
164
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:36,893
...then I have to give it
to your mother.
165
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,133
And if I have to give it
to your mother...
166
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:44,535
...I'm going to give it to you.
167
00:11:45,860 --> 00:11:49,296
Well, another mystery solved.
168
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:53,177
I think someone owes someone else
an apology.
169
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:54,853
Wait a sec, Dad.
170
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:57,295
Is that the ribbon from the box?
171
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:58,819
Well, that's the ribbon.
172
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:00,612
But the necklace is still gone.
173
00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:04,213
I'm going invisible now.
174
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:08,015
There. I'm invisible.
175
00:12:16,340 --> 00:12:18,979
Damn ribbon gave me away.
176
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,970
- Dirt-eating mutt.
- Buck, you gotta find it.
177
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,330
- I knew you were a bag of bones.
- Find it.
178
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:31,373
Whoa, people, one at a time.
179
00:12:31,980 --> 00:12:35,529
You moron, fleabag,
pitiful excuse for a dog.
180
00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:37,776
Where is that necklace?
181
00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:41,017
- I don't think he's gonna tell us, Dad.
- Why not?
182
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:42,932
He's a dog.
183
00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:47,255
Oh, Buck, come on.
Find the necklace, boy.
184
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,732
This is going nowhere. I look in his
eyes, all I see the other side of the yard.
185
00:12:53,020 --> 00:12:55,329
We're just gonna have to
start digging.
186
00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:57,816
Dad, he's not even dead yet.
187
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:03,895
For the necklace,
you cartoon character.
188
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,818
Okay, let's see what we've got.
189
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,580
The Margaret Chow chin wrap...
190
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:14,570
...the Rosewood paddle fanny toner...
191
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:18,331
...and the Tommy Lee Jones
crater spackle.
192
00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:22,095
Which comes to $300.
193
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:23,928
But for you, Peggy...
194
00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:26,250
...I'm going to take off 15 percent.
195
00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:28,337
Then add 15 for gratuity...
196
00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:30,417
...which brings us to--
197
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:32,690
Let's just round this off to $300.
198
00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:36,852
How do you people
make any money?
199
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,130
Mrs. Bundy, it's getting late.
200
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:43,128
It's time for your Mexican pepper facial
and spine pull.
201
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:48,735
Very refreshing.
202
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,011
Hey, look. Here's 5 bucks.
203
00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:52,613
Go get yourself some pogs.
204
00:13:52,860 --> 00:13:55,328
Gee, thanks, Mrs. Bundy.
205
00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:59,135
All right, Dave, show me more.
206
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:01,577
What's in that bag?
207
00:14:01,820 --> 00:14:03,253
Oh, that's just my lun--
208
00:14:03,460 --> 00:14:06,133
New line of cosmetics.
209
00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:08,137
Oh, but it's only for celebrities.
210
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:09,938
What's your favorite TV show?
211
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:11,653
Oprah.
212
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:14,294
What a coincidence.
Oprah uses this line.
213
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:17,491
Oh, please, I must have that.
214
00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:19,492
Oh, and so you shall.
215
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:28,449
Stupid, useless,
meat by-product of a dog.
216
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:32,616
You think he could at least be decent
enough to help the people who love him.
217
00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:34,458
Daddy, don't be mad at him.
218
00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:37,493
I mean, I'm sure he feels bad
in his own sort of way.
219
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:52,409
Buck, come into the light.
220
00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:57,292
Daddy?
221
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:06,175
- Hey, hey, I think I hit something.
- That's my foot.
222
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:09,657
No, not that.
223
00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:12,853
This.
224
00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:14,573
What is it?
225
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:18,853
It's either the fruitcake that Grandma
Wanker gave us last Christmas...
226
00:15:19,060 --> 00:15:22,211
...or it's the black box
from my wedding night.
227
00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:24,894
How pathetic...
228
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:28,172
...a grown man burying things
in the back yard.
229
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:42,133
Bud?
230
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:48,410
Bad dog.
231
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:51,772
- Bad, bad dog.
- All right now, kids.
232
00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:54,096
Now, can we focus on my shame?
233
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:56,291
We've got to find this necklace.
234
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:58,736
Come on, Buck,
you know where it is.
235
00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:00,658
Just show us what you got, boy.
236
00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:14,980
Buck, come into the light.
237
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:18,252
It's all goodness and love.
238
00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:21,573
Mommy?
239
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,615
Plum essence eye toner...
240
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:32,699
...the albacore and mayonnaise
pore rejuvenator...
241
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:36,656
...and the Famous Amos facial disk.
242
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:38,852
She's done.
243
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:44,015
I feel so wonderful.
244
00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,492
So relaxed.
245
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:48,850
So paralyzed.
246
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,614
You look 20 years younger.
247
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:53,697
Then I'll live with it.
248
00:16:55,380 --> 00:17:00,056
Peggy, I can't lift my head any higher,
but I'm sure you look fabulous.
249
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:01,534
You certainly smell good.
250
00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:05,375
Oh, yeah. That must be my
Baby Ruth body balm.
251
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:07,493
Shall we go get Al's present?
252
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,818
Can't. I spent all his money
on stuff for me.
253
00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:12,658
But it's no big deal.
254
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:14,930
Maybe if I don't mention it,
he won't either.
255
00:17:15,140 --> 00:17:17,734
- Let's go get dressed.
- By the by, Sven.
256
00:17:17,940 --> 00:17:19,976
Will I be able to walk again?
257
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:23,775
When you look this beautiful,
the world will come to you.
258
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:27,778
Am I smiling?
I can't feel my face.
259
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,373
Look, Dad.
260
00:17:38,580 --> 00:17:40,536
Dad, we've been digging for hours.
261
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:42,418
I don't think we're gonna find
the necklace.
262
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:45,374
No problem.
I've still got two plans.
263
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:50,859
Plan A, I drive to a jewelry store,
steal a necklace, shoot my way out...
264
00:17:51,140 --> 00:17:53,973
...and get back here
before your mom gets home.
265
00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:58,018
Mom's home.
266
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:02,299
Plan B, I lay down in the hole,
you cover me up with dirt.
267
00:18:10,980 --> 00:18:12,174
What's that?
268
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:14,371
"Daddy, please don't kill yourself"?
269
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:17,250
Oh, well, maybe Peg forgot
about our anniversary.
270
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:20,452
I mean, it's not a topic
that'd be on Oprah or Geraldo.
271
00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:25,612
I know, maybe if I don't say anything,
she won't.
272
00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:28,778
But if she does, I can count on you two
to kill me, right?
273
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,090
You can count on us, Dad.
274
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:35,330
Good.
Then that's present enough for this...
275
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:38,532
...my 1-billionth anniversary.
276
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,494
Hi, Al.
277
00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:57,178
Hi, Peg.
278
00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,573
You watching TV?
279
00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:02,173
Yep.
280
00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:06,496
Don't you think you should turn it on?
281
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:09,419
Nope.
282
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:18,858
So, Peg...
283
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:22,057
...what'd you do all day?
284
00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:24,694
Oh, nothing.
Went out with Marcy...
285
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,858
...spent a bunch of your money.
You know, same old, same old.
286
00:19:28,060 --> 00:19:30,415
- What'd you do today?
- Oh, nothing.
287
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:33,496
Rented a tuxedo...
288
00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:35,770
...dug up the yard.
289
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:39,610
You know, same old, same old.
290
00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:48,136
Isn't it nice to have an absolutely
nothing-out-of-the-ordinary kind of day?
291
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:51,339
Yeah, I was just
thinking the same thing, Peg.
292
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:55,573
Happy Absolutely Nothing
Out of the Ordinary Day, Peg.
293
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:58,095
Back at you, Al.
294
00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:01,776
Want to go upstairs?
295
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:04,815
Why not? I'm already dirty.
296
00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:17,610
This isn't for anything special, right?
297
00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,976
Oh, no.
298
00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:22,011
I just thought that the best way...
299
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:25,212
...to end an absolutely
nothing-out-of-the-ordinary kind of day...
300
00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:27,456
...was by doing absolutely nothing.
301
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:30,015
I agree, Peg.
302
00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:36,137
I found it.
I found the necklace.
303
00:20:36,340 --> 00:20:37,534
I didn't bury it.
304
00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:39,537
It was in my bowl.
305
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:43,939
Odd, no one spotted it under
the two pieces of Kibble.
306
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:45,694
Oh, guys?
307
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,618
Guys?
308
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:52,095
Buck, don't tell me
you forgot our second anniversary.
309
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:53,894
Forget?
310
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,692
Why no.
311
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,890
Bibi.
312
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:01,098
Of course.
313
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:05,339
I didn't recognize your face.
I so rarely see this end of you.
314
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:13,654
Well, did you get me anything?
315
00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,454
Did I get you anything?
316
00:21:16,940 --> 00:21:18,612
Oh, Buck.
317
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:22,574
Oh, it's beautiful.
I'm so happy.
318
00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:27,258
Great. Can I take you to a toilet,
buy you a drink?
319
00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:30,731
Oh, Bucky.
320
00:21:30,940 --> 00:21:33,500
Do you wanna go upstairs?
321
00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:36,778
After you, my dear.
322
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:44,059
Oh, Bibi. Now I remember.
323
00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:48,579
And they call me senile.1
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,711
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
2
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,839
Kelly, I am so glad you're home.
3
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,513
I'm entering this new contest...
4
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,393
...and I need you to think
of something clever.
5
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,479
- Bud, is something wrong?
- Yeah.
6
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,910
You just asked someone
with the IQ of mustard...
7
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,917
...to think of something clever.
8
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,638
I will have you know,
oh, winged monkey man...
9
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,398
...that I am just as smart
as anybody else in this room.
10
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,269
So you don't need to spell out "iquee"
around me.
11
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,430
Bud, I'm so glad you're home.
12
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,315
You see,
this feminine-hygiene company...
13
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,308
...is looking for a sidekick for their
new mascot, Tubey the Tampon.
14
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,548
You got any ideas?
15
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,552
Mom, in Bud's defense, you're talking
about an area he knows nothing about.
16
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,514
Now, if it had been for hand wigs
or, say, finger lingerie--
17
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:30,276
Hey, hey, I think that's quite enough,
Kelly.
18
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,517
I thought Dad banned you from
entering all these magazine contests.
19
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:38,919
I don't enter that many contests.
I don't even get that many magazines.
20
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,475
Mail call!
21
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,995
Well, let's see what came today.
Doll Maker.
22
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,754
Lizard Quarterly.
23
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,951
Look here, Ebony.
24
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,760
Esther Rolle moved, Peg.
25
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,996
- Where?
- Closer to the fridge.
26
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,596
Oh, now, what have we here?
Amish Weekly.
27
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,830
New spring color: black.
28
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,597
Mom, are you sure
anybody ever wins these contests?
29
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,876
Would Ed McMahon lie?
30
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,116
Gee, I don't know, would he drink?
31
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,558
Would he laugh at something
that's not funny?
32
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,597
Would he tout the taste of dog food...
33
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,473
...if he thought he could make
a stinking buck?
34
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:40,518
Peg, I'm telling you that nobody ever,
ever wins these contests.
35
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,558
Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack.
36
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,869
Let me in,
I'm gonna blow your mind out.
37
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,392
Anybody here join a record club?
38
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,030
Well, you know,
I'm talking about 30 years ago.
39
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,831
No, I'm here to lay something good
on you.
40
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,710
You guys have just won
our $1-million grand prize.
41
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,472
I can't believe it!
42
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:24,753
Peg, Peg, if you weren't my wife,
I'd kiss you.
43
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,998
Congratulations, Mrs. O'Sullivan.
44
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,355
- Well, my name isn't O'Sullivan.
- Mine is!
45
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,160
Top of the morning to you,
Wolfman, me lad.
46
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,355
Listen, Lojack.
47
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,558
That's Wolfman Jack.
48
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,234
Yeah. Yeah, much cooler.
49
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,473
Listen, our name is Bundy.
50
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,111
Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.
51
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:56,952
Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy.
52
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,192
You have just won
first-class accommodations...
53
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,472
...on our luxury cruise
to the Caribbean.
54
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,674
How come only she won?
55
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:14,710
Because she wrote the most inspiring
essay for New Widows magazine.
56
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,956
New widows, Peg?
57
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,109
So you do share my dream.
58
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,508
But, you know, I don't wanna
go on a cruise by myself.
59
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,675
Hey, Mr. Wolfman...
60
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,031
...don't you think you could just
bend the rules so that Al can come?
61
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,952
- No!
- Please?
62
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,799
This man is unimpeachable,
his character beyond reproach.
63
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,033
He combines the best qualities
of both wolf and man.
64
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:41,988
There's 50 bucks for you.
65
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,873
Sold. I tell you what,
I'll take this first-class ticket...
66
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,036
...and I'll change it in
for two economies.
67
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,838
Peg, I don't wanna go on a cruise.
68
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,230
All that rocking up and down,
side to side.
69
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:52,873
I'll be throwing up all night.
70
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,072
And then there's the motion
of the boat.
71
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,030
Wow, a Caribbean cruise.
72
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,111
- Sounds romantic.
- Oh, it is.
73
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,118
- Al must hate it.
- He does.
74
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,232
Oh, it sounds like such fun.
75
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,869
I wish Jefferson and I could
do something like that.
76
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,356
Maybe I could trade these two tickets
for four less-expensive ones.
77
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,798
- Do you think they'd do that?
- Well, let's find out.
78
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,831
Mr. Man?
79
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,957
Do you think that you could trade
these two really good tickets...
80
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,116
...for four just-okay ones?
81
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,069
Hey, anything's possible.
You got 50 bucks?
82
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,077
- Marcie?
- Oh, why not?
83
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,313
You know, if I don't spend it,
Jefferson will.
84
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,475
- Here.
- Here you go.
85
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:01,193
"Sub-subeconomy class."
86
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,879
I wonder what that is?
87
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,954
Well, the love barge.
88
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,068
- Thanks for bringing me, Peg.
- Oh, it's not so bad.
89
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,357
No, it's like
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea...
90
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,831
...except I'm married
to the giant squid.
91
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,389
- Why must you always be so negative?
- Why did you cross the road?
92
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,836
All right, so the room's
a little cramped.
93
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,116
Most of the time
we're gonna be up on deck...
94
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,278
...eating, dancing,
living the good life.
95
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,273
- So who's the entertainment?
- Gilbert Gottfried.
96
00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,671
Besides, who cares about the room?
This is a singles cruise.
97
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,996
That means wall-to-wall women...
98
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:08,268
...who will be sunning themselves
with their tops unfastened.
99
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,478
What are you guys laughing at?
100
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,796
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
101
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,433
We're just happy to be here
with the women we love.
102
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,916
And you guys.
103
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,391
Well, I'm just glad you're looking
on the bright side of things.
104
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,833
Me too, Peg. In fact, I can't remember
when I've been so happy.
105
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,868
Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light,
the high-fun, low-fat vacation...
106
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,036
...for women who want to watch
the whales...
107
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,435
...instead of being mistaken
for them.
108
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,436
Now, wait a second.
109
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,677
Now, you're telling me
that every passenger on this ship is--
110
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,070
How can I put this?
111
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,357
--an island unto herself?
112
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,073
Well, maybe now.
113
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,748
But by the time we're done
with our deprivation diet...
114
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:11,916
...and non-stop exercise program,
we'll look as beautiful as those two.
115
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,236
What two?
116
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,511
She means us, poop deck.
117
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,396
Oh, my God,
she does mean the wives.
118
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:35,031
Jefferson, we're on the voyage
of the damned.
119
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,713
Why didn't you tell me
this was a cruise for fat women?
120
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,270
Because you didn't ask me.
Well, I gotta go.
121
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,358
I'm getting my hair done for free
by Mr. Maurice.
122
00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:00,758
- You know who that is?
- A man with a lot of cats?
123
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,831
No. He is the stylist to the stars.
124
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,275
Who do you think
does Sandra Bernhard's hair?
125
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,351
Ray Charles?
126
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,953
- Let's go, Peggy.
- We should've left them at home.
127
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,714
Should've left us at the altar.
128
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,717
Hey, Al, you know what I'm thinking?
129
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,517
How long it'd take us to swim home
from here?
130
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,870
- Don't answer that. That's a trap.
- What kind of trap?
131
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,991
They say, "Yoo-hoo,"
you open the door...
132
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,236
...they slap two pieces of bread
around you...
133
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,271
...and you're never heard from again.
134
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,071
Hello, is there anyone in there?
135
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,519
I don't know. She sounds thin.
I'm gonna open it.
136
00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:00,034
- Hi, my name's Gretchen.
- Hi, my name's--
137
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,196
Wait a second,
I can't remember my name.
138
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,949
- Quick, Al, what's my name?
- Captain No-Nads.
139
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,952
You two are very funny.
Are either of you Gilbert Gottfried?
140
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,077
- He is.
- He is.
141
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,835
Well, I wanted to find out if either
of you will be taking aerobics classes.
142
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,439
- You taking them?
- I'm teaching.
143
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,278
We're taking them.
144
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:33,390
Excuse me, Gretchen, but I thought
that all the passengers were...
145
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,111
...Jurassic.
146
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,432
I mean jolly.
147
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,312
May I share something with you?
148
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,239
Sure. Jefferson,
would you step outside?
149
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,633
What I meant was, since you're
not part of the diet group...
150
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,400
...you can participate
in our after-hours activities.
151
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,916
What kind of after-hour activities?
152
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,720
Well, after our 6:30 roundup
and lockdown...
153
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,717
...for our larger passengers...
154
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,191
...we put away the celery
and those disgusting, chalky shakes...
155
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,075
...and bring out the real food.
Tonight is Carnival:
156
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,312
"Couscous
and clothing-optional lambada."
157
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,399
Jefferson, I'm dreaming. Pinch me.
158
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,874
I said, pinch me!
159
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,149
Now, let me get this straight.
160
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,196
At 6:30, you herd all the buffaloes
back to their cells...
161
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,838
...you lock them up...
162
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,352
...and then a wild orgy
of scantily clad crew and us...
163
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,788
...take over the ship?
164
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,270
Right. Is that okay?
165
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,839
Yes. That's fine.
166
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,670
- Thank you.
- Great. I'll see you guys there.
167
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,515
You know the trouble
with rock 'n' roll today?
168
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,029
Took out the bubble machine?
169
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,671
Mr. Jack-Man...
170
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,873
...it's not that we haven't enjoyed
your cute little stories...
171
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,993
...about things that happened
even before Dick Clark was born...
172
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,958
...but you've been here for a week.
173
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,633
I mean...
174
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:46,796
...shouldn't you be out cruising
with the ho-dads or the ho-moms...
175
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,834
...or whatever ho's you guys
run around with?
176
00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:00,916
There's a lot more to Wolfman Jack
than just, "Hi, here's your prize."
177
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:05,870
You ever listen to Wolfman Jack on
the radio live from Planet Hollywood?
178
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,236
Look, whatever he says,
just say yes.
179
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,031
Yes.
180
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,118
I also wrote a book,
my autobiography.
181
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,555
Would you like me to read you
a little bit of it?
182
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,469
- Yes.
- You're the best.
183
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,111
Oh, Al.
184
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,670
This is the best vacation
I have ever been on.
185
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,558
Thank you.
186
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,910
You beaked me!
187
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,838
- Have you been drinking?
- Not since I had a drink.
188
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:07,031
- What do you want?
- Oh, Al, it is amazing out there.
189
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,713
The women may be huge...
190
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:14,313
...but the male crew can swab my deck
any time.
191
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,589
Well, that shouldn't take long.
192
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,037
- Where's Peg?
- Oh, she's still getting her hair done.
193
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,071
But I don't know why...
194
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:33,393
...because it always looks
really silly.
195
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,634
Don't tell Al.
196
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,158
Anyway, Al...
197
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:50,599
...at 6:30, I am going back upstairs
for aqua aerobics.
198
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,037
The male crew members
are gonna pretend to be dolphins...
199
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,750
...and I get to pet their dorsal fins.
200
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,913
And vice versa.
201
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,714
Don't tell Jefferson.
202
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,876
Marcie, did you happen to notice...
203
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,595
...if any of the female crew members
are gonna pretend to be dolphins?
204
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,875
No. I think they're gonna
be mermaids...
205
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,835
...or whatever it is you call it
when you swim around topless.
206
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,597
I better go see
what's keeping Peggy.
207
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,510
Heigh-ho, Flipper, away!
208
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:56,514
- Are you ready to roll, buddy?
- Ten seconds till lockdown.
209
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:02,553
- Five, four, three, two, one.
- Five, four, three, two, one.
210
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,833
It's samba time.
211
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,996
Well, Al, what do you think?
212
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,070
About what, Peg?
213
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,794
- My hair.
- Oh, your hair. Oh, it's...
214
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,516
Fine, Peg.
215
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,390
If you're Lyle Lovett.
216
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,478
Shut up.
217
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,679
No, no, he said that, "Al love it."
218
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,878
- You ready to go, Peg?
- Yeah, I guess.
219
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,197
Well, it's kind of cool up there,
you better wear a bag.
220
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,555
A hat, a hat, I meant a hat.
221
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,394
I can't go out in public like this.
222
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,637
No, I know you can't, sweetheart.
I know you can't--
223
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,910
- Come on, Jefferson.
- You can't go either.
224
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,594
Why? My hair don't look like crap!
225
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,752
Oh, what's the matter now, Peg?
226
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,355
Why don't I just go check things out.
You just call me if you need me, okay?
227
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,836
- I need you, I need you!
- Oh, hold me, Al.
228
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,640
I wanna go to the party!
229
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,839
You don't mind staying in with me,
do you, Al?
230
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,349
No.
231
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:09,588
I'd much rather be in here
than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.
232
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,235
Good, because I am never
leaving this room.
233
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,594
- Al?
- What?
234
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,198
Make love to me.
235
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,432
Why? I didn't screw up your hair!
236
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,789
It's just that I feel so unattractive...
237
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,237
...especially with those aerobics girls
bouncing around up there.
238
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,756
I know you'd rather be on deck
rather than staying in here with me...
239
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,155
...and I really do appreciate it.
240
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,834
You know, Al,
I know that I don't say it very much...
241
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,952
...but you are a great guy.
242
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,957
Al?
243
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,634
Smell that salt-hallway air.
244
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,310
Fine. If you'd rather be up there
partying...
245
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,637
...while your wife is here,
who needs you, just go right ahead.
246
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:12,949
Thanks. Bye.
247
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,800
- We're going down!
- What, you mean the party's moved?
248
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,713
No, the ship is sinking!
249
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,309
One of the fat women
smelled the jerk chicken...
250
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,239
...and tried to cut through the floor
with a blowtorch!
251
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,149
- Oh, my God, we're really sinking?
- Come on.
252
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,830
If we were really sinking, you think
I could look in this porthole and see--?
253
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,308
Fish!
254
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,552
Oh, my God, we're going to die!
255
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,713
Thank you, Peg,
for booking me on the Titanic!1
00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:17,852
Previously on Married with Children:
2
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:20,614
The family who never feeds me
went on vacation.
3
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:22,088
Oh, it's not so bad.
4
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:25,098
No, it's like 20,000 Leagues
Under the Sea.
5
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:28,697
Except I'm married
to the giant squid.
6
00:01:29,780 --> 00:01:32,499
Exacerbating the situation
was the fact that by day...
7
00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:35,618
...the cruise was geared
towards women who ate like mastiffs.
8
00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:38,051
But by night...
9
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,414
...Al was happy
for a brief moment until--
10
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:45,128
I can't go out in public like this.
11
00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:48,258
It's all right. No, you can't, sweetheart.
I know you can't--
12
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,695
- Come on, Jefferson.
- You can't go either.
13
00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:52,658
Why? My hair don't look like crap!
14
00:01:54,060 --> 00:01:56,858
And if that shipwreck wasn't enough,
get a load of this one.
15
00:01:57,100 --> 00:02:01,332
- Oh, my God, we're really sinking?
- Oh, come on.
16
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,970
If we were sinking, you think
I could look in this porthole and see...
17
00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:07,692
...fish!
18
00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:11,171
And now back
to Buck, King of All Dogs.
19
00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:14,651
Also known to humans
as Married With Children.
20
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:30,774
Did I thank you for inviting me
on this cruise, Peg?
21
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:35,011
Well, as a matter of fact,
you haven't.
22
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:39,048
Then maybe a simple stake
through the heart would suffice.
23
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,812
All right, look,
this is no time to turn on each other.
24
00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:44,812
We're alone
in the middle of the ocean.
25
00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:47,853
It's a perfect time
to turn on each other.
26
00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:50,052
Why don't you look
on the bright side.
27
00:02:50,260 --> 00:02:54,378
It's a balmy summer day,
we're on vacation.
28
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:57,731
Well, now we know
who we're going to eat first.
29
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:01,734
Dibs on the thighs.
30
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:10,413
Look, you cookie-aisle of a woman.
31
00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:14,177
If you hadn't gnawed
through 12 inches of bulkhead...
32
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:17,770
...to inhale some jerk chicken,
none of us would be here.
33
00:03:18,020 --> 00:03:21,171
So if anyone's gonna feed
on my husband's dead thighs...
34
00:03:21,380 --> 00:03:23,132
...it's gonna be me.
35
00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:25,971
Thanks, gumdrop.
36
00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:28,017
I can't stand this
for one minute more.
37
00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:31,218
Oh, come on, Al.
It's a perfectly calm sea.
38
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,298
It's not the sea, Peg. It's...
39
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:36,413
...Gilbert Gottfried.
40
00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:52,090
So I'm on a cruise.
My agent says to me:
41
00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:56,379
"Go on a cruise.
You don't have to follow Sinbad.
42
00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:59,339
And you don't have to follow
Carrot Top.
43
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,974
And you get to eat with the captain."
44
00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:05,815
So am I eating with the captain?
Am I eating?
45
00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:12,249
Am I even on a cruise anymore?
Somebody get my agent!
46
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:16,297
Somebody get my spear gun.
47
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:21,289
- I think he's funny.
- Make it two spear guns.
48
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:25,612
- So, what do we do now?
- We bob around in the sea...
49
00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:29,051
...until the sun bakes us
like cookies.
50
00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:31,332
Cookies?
51
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,814
Quiet, sea hags.
52
00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:38,611
Now, first thing we have to do
is pick a leader.
53
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:40,532
Who knows the most about the sea?
54
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,850
David Hasselhoff.
55
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:46,859
Okay, Gilbert's disqualified.
56
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:50,012
- Anyone else?
- Oh, what difference does it make?
57
00:04:50,260 --> 00:04:55,573
We're just gonna wind up with sea gulls
pecking out our salt-encrusted eyes.
58
00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:58,175
Thank you, Kathy Lee Gifford.
59
00:04:59,780 --> 00:05:02,374
Well, you know, Al really doesn't know
much about the sea.
60
00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:05,936
- So I think we're gonna have to--
- Excuse me, Loch Ness Hairdo.
61
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:09,733
I know two things about the sea.
62
00:05:09,940 --> 00:05:11,976
Number one, when you flush,
it ends up here.
63
00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:20,098
And two, I watched all 3000 episodes
of Gilligan's Island.
64
00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:24,015
- How do you find the time?
- I don't have sex with you.
65
00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:27,731
All right, then it's decided.
Al's captain.
66
00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:30,050
Well, captain, now what?
67
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:34,653
Well, as my first official act, I'm
declaring my marriage null and void.
68
00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:39,571
And secondly, I think
we should strike out for land.
69
00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:44,733
Which way is land?
70
00:05:44,980 --> 00:05:47,255
I think it's back there...
71
00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:51,051
Good. Then we're on our way.
72
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:57,057
Look, this is useless, Al couldn't find
land if he was skydiving.
73
00:05:57,540 --> 00:06:00,259
We're in the hands
of a blithering idiot.
74
00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:03,533
That's Captain Blithering.
75
00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:10,336
Look, perhaps a brief comic interlude
will help lighten the moment.
76
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:15,210
I hope you can hear my jokes
over the rumbling in my stomach.
77
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:18,810
Is this thing on?
78
00:06:19,660 --> 00:06:25,132
Right before we went down, I took
a bunch of serving trays as props.
79
00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:28,099
Oh, much better than taking food.
80
00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:31,009
Why couldn't have Gallagher
been the entertainer?
81
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:34,411
I mean, at least then
we could have had watermelon.
82
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:37,540
Yeah, like we'd have gotten any.
83
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:43,816
Well, anyway, Mickey Mouse on acid.
84
00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:49,129
I'm freaking out. Somebody help me.
85
00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:52,452
I'm having a bad trip.
86
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:58,136
A midget putting a dime
in a payphone.
87
00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:03,136
Clark Gable.
88
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:06,089
Vincent van Gogh.
89
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,095
Peg, you wanna give this one tug?
90
00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:14,410
Ironside.
91
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,889
No, no. No, Bugs,
don't go into that deserted mine.
92
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,568
Yosemite Sam
just threw dynamite in there.
93
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,573
Oh, God, I hope this is rerun.
94
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,853
God, I hope you marry
someone with money.
95
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,609
Now move over,
I wanna watch the news.
96
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,853
And in close-to-show-biz news,
radio personality...
97
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,255
...and ex-pimple cream spokesman
Wolfman Jack...
98
00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:44,496
...was found bound and gagged
in a dumpster...
99
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:47,260
...behind Planet Hollywood
last night.
100
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:59,168
Police found several clues, but instead
opted to go inside where it was warm.
101
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,252
That's the last time
I let you hit someone with a shovel.
102
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:06,890
In another late-breaking story,
the luxury cruise liner, Sea Dodge...
103
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:10,934
...went down last night in calm waters
somewhere in the Caribbean.
104
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:13,057
Kelly, that's the ship
Mom and Dad are on.
105
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:16,013
The passengers have been
accounted for except one lifeboat...
106
00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:18,609
...purportedly carrying comedian
Gilbert Gottfried...
107
00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:23,177
...and some other people, including
a woman with really silly red hair.
108
00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:30,256
Oh, my God, Gilbert Gottfried
and one of the Judds are lost at sea.
109
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:35,532
It's not one of the Judds,
you Zagnut.
110
00:08:35,860 --> 00:08:38,658
Kelly, do you know what this means?
111
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:43,295
Mom and Dad.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?
112
00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:47,328
How are we gonna eat?
How are we gonna pay the mortgage?
113
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:49,616
Our lives are gonna be...
114
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,970
...exactly the same.
115
00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:55,658
We can't just sit here. We gotta get
to the Caribbean somehow.
116
00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:57,134
Okay.
117
00:08:57,380 --> 00:09:00,656
Don't forget to leave
some food for the dog.
118
00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:04,132
- How long are we gonna be gone?
- I don't know. Maybe weeks.
119
00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:07,053
Yo, dog here. Yo.
120
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:09,893
I'm from the Chicago Examiner.
121
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:12,375
Are you the people
whose parents are lost at sea...
122
00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:15,140
...with the voice of lago, the parrot,
Gilbert Gottfried?
123
00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:16,932
- Yeah.
- Soup's on.
124
00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:18,659
- Let's go.
- Come on. Get in there.
125
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:21,328
- Wait a minute.
- Don't miss that beat. Get around here.
126
00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:23,178
- Let's go.
- What's going on here?
127
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:26,651
You. We're here to bring the country
live minute-by-minute coverage...
128
00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:29,374
...of your anguish
at the loss of Gilbert Gottfried.
129
00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:31,576
And your parents.
130
00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,488
They might still be alive.
131
00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:35,656
Yeah. And Hoffa's eating at Denny's.
132
00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:39,334
Now, wait a second now.
133
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:42,572
You people can't just barge in here
and invade our privacy.
134
00:09:42,820 --> 00:09:44,139
Kelly, show these people out.
135
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:47,690
We'll pay you a million dollars
for your exclusive story.
136
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,295
Kelly, get these people a Snapple.
137
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:11,776
It has been 24 hours. I'm starved.
138
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:14,130
Me too.
139
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:16,258
Hey, Al, why aren't you hungry?
140
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,617
Because I've got
a natural appetite suppressant.
141
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:23,294
Twenty-five years of marriage.
142
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:28,176
Yeah, and since he doesn't brush,
he can always mine his teeth for food.
143
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,773
Well, I'm starting to get hungry.
144
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,536
Big surprise.
145
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:36,899
Some captain you are.
146
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:40,058
If you're not gonna go down
with the ship, at least do something.
147
00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:42,490
Oh, excuse me,
Miss We-Never-Do-Anything-Together.
148
00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:45,937
Well, we're dying together, Peg.
Are you happy now?
149
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:51,849
Well, just don't look at me
to cheer anybody up anymore.
150
00:10:52,180 --> 00:10:54,933
You bent my props.
151
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:06,894
As far as I'm concerned,
we can float out here sans comedy...
152
00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:12,294
...and die a miserable,
humorless death.
153
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:17,691
Now look what you've done, Al.
You've upset the entertainer.
154
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:20,337
Good. Maybe he'll walk.
155
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:25,169
Hey, I know.
We could try to catch a fish.
156
00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:28,497
How? We got no rod,
we got no hooks, we got no bait.
157
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,774
We got no rod and hooks.
158
00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:42,451
- Honey, we got this.
- Peg. Peg. Peg. That's a flare gun.
159
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,976
We only use that
when the rescuers try to find us.
160
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:49,849
Oh, but I don't want them
to see my hair.
161
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:57,256
Well, now I know why Jacques
Cousteau only has men on the Calypso.
162
00:11:58,220 --> 00:12:00,415
That's not why.
163
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:10,498
Hey, hey, we've got an oar.
164
00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:13,453
And there's dozens of little fish
swimming around the boat.
165
00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:17,619
We just hit them with the oar
and dinner is served.
166
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,130
Without cooking it?
167
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:26,860
Why bother? I mean,
cooking just makes them smaller.
168
00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:33,778
Al, just go hit a fish.
169
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:38,292
Oh, all right. It's always,
"Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny."
170
00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:42,538
Why can't it for once be,
"Al, wake up, it's Cindy Crawford...
171
00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,731
...I'm hungry and horny."
172
00:12:47,780 --> 00:12:51,409
- What are you waiting for?
- A red one.
173
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:56,770
There it is. Gotcha!
174
00:12:57,740 --> 00:12:59,617
Hey, where'd she go?
175
00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:02,849
Where all dead fish go.
176
00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:05,695
To the Red Lobster?
177
00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:09,770
No, nimrod, to the bottom.
178
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:15,336
Hey, Al, you know, I just remembered
the one thing I knew about the sea.
179
00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:20,700
If you beat a fish to a bloody pulp, it
tends to attract other fish, bigger fish.
180
00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:23,659
Fish with no known enemies.
181
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:41,773
Well, this is nice.
182
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,610
Does anyone know
how to repel a shark?
183
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:47,570
Go ahead, Gilbert,
do your impressions.
184
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,697
Okay, Jerry Lewis.
185
00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:54,774
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, drum roll.
186
00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:57,653
How much money did we raise?
187
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:08,811
Hello, this is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal.
188
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:14,014
Live at the home
of Kelly and Bud Bundy...
189
00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:15,978
...who are anxiously awaiting news...
190
00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:18,819
...of whether their parents
will be found alive...
191
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:22,496
...or if their decomposing corpses
will be found weeks later...
192
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,612
...in some South Florida bog.
193
00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:29,250
Bud and Kelly, I know
that this is a difficult time for you...
194
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,377
...but can you tell me
how you're feeling?
195
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,492
And please be as graphic
as possible.
196
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,370
We refuse to answer
this line of questioning...
197
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:39,298
...until we find out if they're alive.
198
00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:41,929
Well, I apologize
if I seemed insensitive.
199
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,899
So tell me, did your parents
ever abuse you?
200
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:48,293
No.
201
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:51,817
Surely your father
must have seen your heinie?
202
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:55,332
Well, yeah, when I was a baby.
203
00:14:56,740 --> 00:14:59,618
Did Michael Jackson
ever touch you?
204
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,260
Did Bob Barker ever touch you?
205
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,138
- Tom Arnold?
- Roseanne?
206
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,092
George Plimpton?
207
00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:12,215
What is the matter with you, people?
208
00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:15,054
Whatever happened to the noble image
of the fourth estate?
209
00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:17,649
People like Edward R. Murrow
and then Walter Cronkite?
210
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:19,213
Who?
211
00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:21,768
Walt-- Walter Cronkite?
212
00:15:22,820 --> 00:15:24,458
Don't know that name.
213
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:28,090
Was he ever touched
by Michael Jackson?
214
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:31,333
Get away from me, you ghouls.
215
00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:34,048
What was I even thinking,
letting you people in here?
216
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:38,179
Me and my sister will not sell
our parents out for money. Right, Kel?
217
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:43,335
Well, then Daddy had Senator
Packwood chase me around the bed.
218
00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:48,332
Or was it Senator Mike Tyson?
219
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,969
Yes, yes, it was both of them.
220
00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:56,849
Okay, Jerry Seinfeld.
221
00:15:57,620 --> 00:16:01,169
Why do people ride buses?
222
00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:09,653
Who are these people?
223
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:14,691
And where do they find
exact change?
224
00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:18,409
- Hey, can you do Ted Kennedy?
- Sure.
225
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:21,174
Anyone wanna hold my pants?
226
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:23,569
Hold my pants.
227
00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:27,090
Look, Peg, it's obvious
we're not gonna be rescued...
228
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:29,695
...and it's even more obvious why.
229
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:33,979
Now look, one of us has gotta swim
for help. Any volunteers?
230
00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:40,658
Okay, okay. We should draw straws.
231
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:43,897
- Did anybody bring straws?
- I have straws.
232
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:48,492
Thank you.
233
00:16:52,140 --> 00:16:53,892
All right.
234
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:55,859
Whoever picks the short one--
235
00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:58,733
Like we don't know
who that's gonna be.
236
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:00,931
--swims for help.
237
00:17:11,140 --> 00:17:13,654
Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
238
00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:18,218
Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time I've said that.
239
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:25,734
Oh, Al, I'm just kidding,
this is the bravest thing I've ever seen.
240
00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:27,857
You know, honey,
we've been through a lot.
241
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:31,336
Good times and bad times. And,
you know, if I never see you again...
242
00:17:31,540 --> 00:17:34,293
...I just really want you to know
that I love--
243
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:41,618
- Boy, he's a fast swimmer.
- Yeah, look at him go.
244
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:45,810
Well, what do we do now?
245
00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:49,097
Well, there is the matter
of my cheque.
246
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,416
You see,
just because the boat sinks...
247
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:54,259
...doesn't mean a comic
has to work for free.
248
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,773
Put a tray in it, Gilbert.
249
00:17:58,180 --> 00:18:01,570
Well, he's right, sweetheart.
Give the man a 20.
250
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,770
Fine. Get me my wallet.
251
00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:09,979
- Okay. Where is it?
- On the ocean floor.
252
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:14,777
Don't you realize that we are stuck
out here a million miles from nowhere.
253
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:18,171
It's gonna be weeks
before we see any sign of life.
254
00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:20,012
Ahoy there.
255
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:24,173
We're a yacht full of congressmen
wasting out constituents' tax dollars.
256
00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:27,890
You need any help,
or liquor or anything?
257
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,058
We're saved!
258
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:32,931
That's enough. Go away.
259
00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:35,980
It's been two days
since you were rescued, Mrs. Bundy...
260
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:38,330
...and they still haven't found
your husband.
261
00:18:38,580 --> 00:18:42,653
How do you feel about that?
Cry if you can.
262
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:46,610
Well, of course, we all want Al back.
263
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:48,771
We thought he'd washed up
onto the beach...
264
00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:52,336
...but it turned out to be
just a giant jellyfish.
265
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:58,494
Mrs. Bundy,
if you're husband does turn up dead...
266
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:01,168
...we're willing to pay you
for your exclusive story.
267
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:03,411
Really? Well, how much?
268
00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:05,730
Depends.
What did he do for a living?
269
00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:08,050
He was a shoe salesman.
270
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:13,294
Fifty bucks.
Unless, of course, he abused you.
271
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:16,693
- How much is that worth?
- $500,000.
272
00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:20,850
Well, you know he did make us drive
around in that Dodge.
273
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:23,409
And he made us live in this house.
Is that enough?
274
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:26,094
- Oh, God--
- God, yes. Awesome.
275
00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:28,649
How did you put up with it
all this time?
276
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:30,891
Daddy!
277
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:33,096
Daddy!
278
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,812
Thank you.
279
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:42,973
Oh, Al... vin.
280
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:47,816
Alvin Bundy.
My late husband's identical twin.
281
00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:51,894
How nice of you to drop by
on such a sad occasion.
282
00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:54,291
How much, Peg?
283
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:58,137
Enough to make it worth your while
to walk out and never come back.
284
00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:00,132
Five dollars?
285
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:04,934
- Nice try, Mrs. Bundy.
- And Mr. Bundy.
286
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:07,017
Who's for rooting through
Oprah's trash?
287
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:14,128
Well, perhaps some of our viewers
who sit way too close to the screen...
288
00:20:14,340 --> 00:20:16,695
...might find your rescue story
interesting.
289
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:18,658
Well, it-- It is, really.
290
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:23,337
I swam for hours and then when
I didn't think I could go on any longer...
291
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:27,129
...suddenly I was surrounded
by a school of man-eating sharks...
292
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:30,816
...when miraculously
some dolphins chased them away...
293
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,857
...swam me to safety.
294
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:38,094
Man and dolphin, working together
against a common enemy.
295
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:41,738
And did any of them abuse you?
296
00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:47,730
No, they saved my life.
297
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,936
Turn the camera off.
298
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:53,249
- Hey, where you going?
- It's sweeps, guys.
299
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,298
Unless that dolphin
was Michael Jackson's love child...
300
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:57,694
...we've got nothing.
301
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:02,929
Peg, by the way,
thanks for the all-out effort...
302
00:21:03,140 --> 00:21:05,051
...to find me after you were rescued.
303
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:09,612
You know, I wanted to wait to find you,
but I was outvoted five to nothing.
304
00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:12,010
I mean, four to one.
305
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:15,209
Mom, you shouldn't talk like that
to Dad's twin.
306
00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:17,456
You know he's gonna tell.
307
00:21:22,020 --> 00:21:25,217
Peg, I'm only gonna say this once
because I'm tired and I--
308
00:21:25,460 --> 00:21:28,179
I think I have a clam in my shorts.
309
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,730
Don't flatter yourself.
310
00:21:30,980 --> 00:21:33,175
No more magazine contests.
311
00:21:33,420 --> 00:21:36,378
As I've said before,
no good can come of it.
312
00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:47,454
Congratulations. I'm Gilbert Gottfried
and you've just won one--1
00:01:15,780 --> 00:01:18,010
Hello. Shop at Home Network?
2
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:22,219
Yeah, I'd like to order your
NYPD Blue naked-butt...
3
00:01:22,420 --> 00:01:24,490
...salt and pepper shakers.
4
00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:26,617
Mom. Don't you think
you should wait...
5
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,175
...until Dad gets the raise
before you spend it all?
6
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:32,611
Bud, if I waited to have things
till your father could afford them...
7
00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:35,175
...you'd still be on layaway.
8
00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:40,693
Besides, I have a very good feeling
about this.
9
00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:42,817
I'm in the money
10
00:01:52,020 --> 00:01:56,059
- No raise, right, Al?
- That's right, Peg.
11
00:01:57,020 --> 00:02:00,490
And to prove that every dark cloud
has a silver bullet...
12
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:05,137
...my boss, Gary, put both me
and Griff on commission.
13
00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:06,608
Commission?
14
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:11,336
So you mean our budget is now just a
percentage of shiny rocks and sticks?
15
00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:14,897
Thanks for that unwavering
vote of confidence, son.
16
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:18,177
Now, Peg, since you were the one
who badgered me...
17
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:21,054
...to ask Gary about the raise,
let's hear your ideas...
18
00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:24,058
...to keep the cash flow
coming into the house.
19
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:35,218
Well, I'll take that under advisement.
20
00:02:35,460 --> 00:02:38,452
But as usual, I have a plan.
21
00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:43,655
Good. Just as long as it's not one of
those stupid midnight-madness sales.
22
00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:46,573
Where the employees dress up
in those ridiculous costumes...
23
00:02:46,780 --> 00:02:49,169
...that have nothing to do
with what they're selling.
24
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:57,935
Bud, your father would never do
something stupid like that.
25
00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:02,134
So, Al, what's your idea?
26
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,258
I'm not telling you.
27
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,695
Hey, Mom, Bud, listen.
28
00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:19,254
I have been named
student of the month...
29
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,418
...at the Larry Storch
School of Acting.
30
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:26,130
Honey, I couldn't be
more proud of you.
31
00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:29,375
Who's Larry Storch?
32
00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:33,216
He played Corporal Agarn
on the TV show F Troop.
33
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:36,852
- Was he the one with the big--?
- No, no, no.
34
00:03:37,060 --> 00:03:38,971
That was Forrest Tucker.
35
00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:42,538
And not only do I win dinner
with Mr. Storch...
36
00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:45,169
...but I get to do a scene
with him on-stage...
37
00:03:45,380 --> 00:03:47,336
...in front
of very important producers.
38
00:03:47,580 --> 00:03:49,775
Larry and I are
gonna be a team, you know...
39
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,210
...like Wally and the Beavis.
40
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:58,290
Kelly, what producer
worth his cellular phone...
41
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,139
...would give a tinker's damn
about you and Larry Storch?
42
00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:03,052
Larry Storch?
43
00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,576
Did I hear somebody say,
"Larry Storch"?
44
00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:12,048
That's right, Daddy.
45
00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:15,935
The Larry Storch
is coming over here for dinner.
46
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,057
Everybody's favorite corporal?
47
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,656
Coming here to
my least favorite place?
48
00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:25,690
Finally the rewards
of a righteous life.
49
00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:32,972
What is the big fuss
about this Corporal Egg-Roll guy?
50
00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:36,809
Corporal Agarn,
you blasphemous heathen.
51
00:04:37,340 --> 00:04:39,296
You don't understand
the genius of the man.
52
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:42,776
In F Troop, when one of the idiots
in his regiment would make him mad...
53
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:45,653
...he'd go walking over to him
like only he could walk...
54
00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:48,090
...and give him a whack
on the head with his hat.
55
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:50,530
You just don't see that anymore.
56
00:04:50,780 --> 00:04:53,658
There's a lot of things
I don't see anymore.
57
00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:59,734
Especially if they're more than
100 feet from the couch.
58
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:04,655
- When's he coming?
- Next Tuesday night.
59
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:09,496
Gadzooks. That's the same time
as my midnight-madness shoe sale.
60
00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:18,051
That's if I was having one.
61
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:21,651
All right, I'll just make Griff
do everything. Sweetheart...
62
00:05:21,860 --> 00:05:24,772
...I've got to have a picture of Larry
hitting me with his hat.
63
00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:28,495
- Do we have any film?
- Besides the one on your teeth?
64
00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:32,528
If only I had a hat...
65
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,255
...with a big rock in it.
66
00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:48,411
Tell me again what werewolves
have to do with shoes?
67
00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:50,338
Again?
68
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:53,252
Wolves.
69
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:54,979
Night.
70
00:05:55,860 --> 00:05:57,578
Moon.
71
00:05:58,780 --> 00:06:00,452
Shoes.
72
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:07,057
See, wolves are nocturnal.
73
00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:09,091
They hunt at night.
74
00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:12,935
Hence, wolves. Night.
75
00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:15,814
- Moon. Shoes.
- Moon. Shoes.
76
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,098
Now back up, you're about to see...
77
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,734
...the midnight-madness shoe sale
at its ugliest.
78
00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:23,732
And perhaps...
79
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,131
...at its fattest.
80
00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:36,694
You know, if these were real,
I'd rip you to shreds.
81
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:43,013
Hurry up, Kelly.
Mr. Scorch will be here any minute.
82
00:06:43,260 --> 00:06:44,978
Oh, Mom.
83
00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:53,372
I am so excited.
I mean, just imagine...
84
00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:56,892
...me and Larry Storch
on the stage together.
85
00:06:57,140 --> 00:07:00,928
Tonight, I become a lesbian.
86
00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:08,293
I think you mean a "thespian," dear.
87
00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:11,128
Yeah, well, the reviews aren't in yet.
88
00:07:12,380 --> 00:07:16,089
So how do I look?
89
00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:25,611
Like a limited-edition,
condom-packing Barbie.
90
00:07:32,340 --> 00:07:36,174
Bud, you look nice.
Hey, by the way, can you say:
91
00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:38,615
"You'll never get me, Batman."
92
00:07:44,060 --> 00:07:47,530
Hey, kids, stop it. No fighting.
93
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:49,577
That's what your father is for.
94
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,650
Mom, I'm just trying
to make her understand...
95
00:07:52,860 --> 00:07:56,375
...that this whole Larry Storch
School of Acting thing is a fraud.
96
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,453
Just like the Larry Storch
School of Karate.
97
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,416
Or the Larry Storch School of Heating
and Air Conditioning Repair.
98
00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,612
Larry Storch is not a fraud.
99
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,693
Now, before I started
his acting school, I was untrained...
100
00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:13,013
...I was undisciplined,
I was un- a bunch of things.
101
00:08:14,980 --> 00:08:18,814
But since I've been studying
at his wise and wonderful feet...
102
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:22,769
...I now can soar with the beagles.
103
00:08:24,980 --> 00:08:30,452
I am a moth
and Larry Storch is my flame.
104
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:39,578
You know, she's one small step
from selling Watchtower.
105
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:47,289
There's your father
and his Dodge.
106
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:51,539
No, that's Larry Storch
and his Dodge.
107
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:56,973
Now, listen, Bud, tonight
is very, very important to me.
108
00:08:57,220 --> 00:09:01,133
Just try to treat him with the respect
a man of his stature deserves, okay?
109
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,813
Hi.
110
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:16,298
Anybody wanna buy a Dodge?
One owner, one gear, $1.
111
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:19,498
One bullet.
112
00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:23,531
Hi, Mr. Storch.
I'd like to introduce you...
113
00:09:23,740 --> 00:09:26,698
...to my lovely family,
but we'll just go with what's here.
114
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,697
- This is my mom, Peggy.
- How do you do?
115
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:33,098
How do you do, Mr. Storch.
I just loved you in D Cup.
116
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:37,777
That's F Troop.
117
00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:41,536
- And this is our dog, Buck, over here.
- Charming.
118
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:44,135
- There's our favorite clock.
- Look at that.
119
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:47,850
And here's the hat my dad bought so
you could hit him over the head with it.
120
00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:50,733
And here's our favorite can opener--
121
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:52,333
And there's my brother, Bud.
122
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:56,535
The kid with the rubber woman.
123
00:09:57,420 --> 00:10:00,571
Kelly did a brilliant,
brilliant monologue in class...
124
00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:05,416
...depicting your sad, pathetic life.
I laughed, I cried.
125
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:08,254
And now that I meet you,
I'm laughing again.
126
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,852
Well, if I could just borrow some
jumper cables, why, we can...
127
00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:14,494
- ...get this show on the road.
- Not just yet.
128
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:17,851
You see, my husband really wants
to meet you and he's still at work.
129
00:10:18,060 --> 00:10:20,210
- He's a huge fan of yours.
- Really?
130
00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:23,975
In his defense,
he's also a shoe salesman.
131
00:10:26,540 --> 00:10:29,612
So when's the old shoe-slinger
coming home?
132
00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,249
Well, you see,
he's having this madness sale.
133
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:36,015
You know: wolf, night, moon, moron.
134
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:40,094
He's probably just in
a selling frenzy right now.
135
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,777
I'll get it.
136
00:10:56,820 --> 00:10:58,697
I ate a fly.
137
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:00,937
Well, deal with it.
138
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:03,896
- Hello?
- Al, it's me.
139
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:07,536
Larry from G Spot is here.
140
00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:16,490
Great, Peg. Keep him there.
141
00:11:16,740 --> 00:11:20,016
Well, all right. But, honey, hurry.
And on your way home...
142
00:11:20,220 --> 00:11:22,893
...do you think you could pick me up
some of those little--
143
00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:27,772
Griff, the Agarn has landed.
144
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,295
- I gotta get home.
- But what if we get a customer?
145
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:34,852
Don't be silly. Who's gonna come in
here? We're dressed like wolves.
146
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:37,859
No one is gonna stop me
from meeting my TV hero.
147
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:40,170
Al, Gary.
148
00:11:40,420 --> 00:11:42,729
Gary's not gonna keep me
from meeting him either.
149
00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:45,574
You know what your trouble is?
You're afraid of the boss.
150
00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:49,011
Yeah. Just because
Gary's built like a man...
151
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:54,696
...doesn't mean she can hit like one.
Let her come in here and sell shoes.
152
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:58,894
I'm out of here!
153
00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:07,609
Please don't fire me.
154
00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:22,050
Mr. Storch, that was Al. Something's
come up at the shoe store...
155
00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:24,251
...and he wants us
to bring you down there.
156
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,138
Wait. But, Mom, we gotta rehearse.
157
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:29,332
After dinner, we're doing our big scene
from Phantom of the Opera.
158
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:35,410
Kelly, the very first rule of acting:
Never disappoint your public.
159
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:37,730
No, actually,
that's the second rule of acting.
160
00:12:37,940 --> 00:12:41,569
The first rule is never have
the chile relleno before you do Hamlet.
161
00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:44,896
Well, where's Al working?
162
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,779
Maybe we can just stop by
and see him before dinner.
163
00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:51,569
No. Then he'll want to eat with us.
I know what we'll do.
164
00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:54,931
We'll all go out to dinner, then Bud
will take you down to meet Al...
165
00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:57,256
...and Kelly and I
will go on to the theater.
166
00:12:57,500 --> 00:12:58,853
Gee, thanks, Ma.
167
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:02,809
Can I pick you up a nice big box
of panty shields while I'm out?
168
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:07,934
- Now that you mention it, I actually--
- Kelly, to get to the theater...
169
00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:11,775
...you must first go through
the Larry Storch School of Acting...
170
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:17,856
...and then you must proceed to
the Larry Storch Performing Art Center.
171
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:24,654
So you mean crawl through the vent
into the old movie house next door?
172
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:27,017
Bingo.
173
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,179
Isn't this exciting?
And I thought the theater was dead.
174
00:13:30,420 --> 00:13:33,457
No, no. It just smells that way.
175
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:36,210
But you'll get used to it.
176
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,773
So this is really today's take?
177
00:13:44,180 --> 00:13:47,138
Actually, ma'am,
that's yesterday's take.
178
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,812
We were gonna bring it to the bank, but
they have a 50-cent minimum deposit.
179
00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:55,059
Luckily we haven't taken
our commission out yet.
180
00:13:57,460 --> 00:14:00,816
Which, of course, we're going to plow
right back into the business.
181
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:06,054
I did not amass my considerable
personal fortune by giving up.
182
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:09,849
I am determined to turn this place
around and I'll tell you why.
183
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,056
Years ago,
in my first business venture...
184
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:15,133
...I went with what I thought
was a sure thing.
185
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:19,658
But it turned out that my partner
was a shyster. I lost my shirt.
186
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,892
- You still had your bra, didn't you?
- Shut up.
187
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:27,972
From that day forward,
I vowed two things:
188
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:31,974
One: That I would never again
have a failing business venture.
189
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:36,816
And two: I would exact my revenge
from the guy that ripped me off.
190
00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:38,334
What kind of business was it?
191
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:44,298
The Larry Storch School of Heating
and Air Conditioning Repair.
192
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,810
Larry Storch is in the house.
193
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:51,092
Hit the deck.
194
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:04,819
This is great. This is great.
What are we gonna do now?
195
00:15:05,060 --> 00:15:08,370
Don't worry about it. Give him to me.
196
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,372
Bring him over here.
197
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,570
What are we gonna do?
Give him mouth-to-mouth?
198
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,248
No, no, no. You are.
199
00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:20,691
But first, take our picture.
200
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:23,216
Come on, Dad.
Forget about Larry Storch.
201
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:25,934
This is Kelly's big night.
She's waiting at the theater.
202
00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:27,738
You gotta do the right thing, Dad.
203
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:29,976
And I intend to.
204
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,091
What right thing?
205
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:48,375
- So glad you could join us.
- We're thrilled to be here.
206
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:51,936
Yeah. Wild horses
couldn't have dragged us away.
207
00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:55,536
I'd be happy if one kicked me
in the head right about now.
208
00:15:58,580 --> 00:16:02,619
Well, it's about time you showed up.
Hey, where's Larry?
209
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,018
Well, he's in his dressing room.
210
00:16:05,260 --> 00:16:07,216
- You just go get ready, all right?
- Okay.
211
00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:13,092
I am so excited. Today, Chicago.
Tomorrow, Saturday.
212
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,939
Bud, what took you so long
at the shoe store?
213
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:24,172
Nothing, nothing. Everything's fine.
214
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:27,048
You did leave the car running,
didn't you?
215
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:34,531
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Larry Storch Players present...
216
00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:39,854
...A Larry Storch production of
Larry Storch's Phantom of the Opera...
217
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,489
...coming to you in Surround Storch.
218
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:48,133
Starring Larry Storch and his student
of the month, Ms. Kelly Bundy.
219
00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:58,499
Thanks.
220
00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:03,175
Of all the opera joints
in all the world...
221
00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:06,651
...he had to walk into mine.
222
00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:15,253
I care not that his face
stoppeth a clocketh.
223
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:22,456
'Tis the heart that beats beneath
the face that I desire to see.
224
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:26,056
I would not forsake you,
O my ghostly one.
225
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:31,215
I shall search for the E.
226
00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:36,698
That's "thee," you idiot.
227
00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:44,613
I shall search for thee, you idiot.
228
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:52,056
Well, I think I'll go get
some refreshments.
229
00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:57,175
You will stay here and you will like it.
Now, Larry's about to come on.
230
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:18,013
If only I wasn't
hideously disfigured.
231
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:28,216
I can't believe Christine
could love me.
232
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:36,254
I'll just sit here
and play with my organ.
233
00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:44,292
This one.
234
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:52,099
Is it me, or has Larry turned
into a beaten-down...
235
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,609
...defeated old man?
236
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:57,940
Now, that is the power
of a great actor.
237
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,933
You can almost smell his plight.
238
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,456
Smells like feet.
239
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:10,732
Larry.
240
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:16,496
Larry, you're supposed to play here.
241
00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:32,094
Charge!
242
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:48,576
There he is. I shall now unmask him.
243
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:57,331
Verily, I would love
to show you my face, but I cannot.
244
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:01,813
I haveth a headache.
245
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:05,417
But, Phantom, I must unmask you.
246
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:09,938
It doth further our love
and my career.
247
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:14,219
So oose-lay the asketh-may.
248
00:20:15,660 --> 00:20:19,050
No can doeth-ay.
249
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,531
- Come on. Give me the mask.
- No, I say.
250
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:25,251
Give me the damn mask.
251
00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:45,459
Tail. Moons. Feet.
252
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,736
Al.
253
00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:51,695
Wait. Mr. Storch.
That's the emergency exit.
254
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:53,453
No.
255
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:57,017
Ladies and gentlemen,
the police will be arriving shortly.
256
00:20:57,260 --> 00:20:59,649
Please exit single file
through the decorative drapes.
257
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:03,529
We hope you enjoyed
your theater experience.
258
00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:08,180
Well, Daddy, it was really nice of you
to try to help me.
259
00:21:08,420 --> 00:21:12,015
I mean, it would have been nicer
if you had succeeded...
260
00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:15,010
...but at least it shows you care.
261
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:18,180
Well, you're not mad at me
because I screwed up?
262
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:21,611
Not really. Mom and Bud
probably are...
263
00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:25,699
...because you wouldn't front them
the 35 bucks to spring them from jail.
264
00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:29,896
And Larry Storch probably is,
because he got knocked out.
265
00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:31,812
And the D'Arcys probably are, but--
266
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:35,450
Pumpkin, enough with
the pep talk, now.
267
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:38,893
You know who I really feel bad for,
though, is Griff.
268
00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:45,010
I'd go down there and help him out,
but it's late and I'm dodging an APB.
269
00:21:48,060 --> 00:21:50,255
That's right. Step right up.
270
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:55,051
Have your picture taken
with TV legend Larry Storch.
271
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:59,929
Larry Storch was always my favorite.
272
00:22:00,180 --> 00:22:04,651
Every day I watched and hoped
he'd get off the island.
273
00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:11,452
I was a big fan.
274
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,691
Who wasn't?
275
00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:21,020
All right, everybody smile.1
00:01:15,770 --> 00:01:17,681
Look at it, Jefferson.
2
00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:21,769
The elegance, the form,
the sheer grace of motion.
3
00:01:21,970 --> 00:01:24,643
The triumph of the human spirit.
4
00:01:24,850 --> 00:01:28,081
And now, on Monster Trucking:
5
00:01:29,450 --> 00:01:35,320
Tyrannosaurus Wreck will attempt
to mow over nine flaming prison buses.
6
00:01:36,410 --> 00:01:41,723
Boy, PBS has really changed
since the Republicans took over.
7
00:01:42,850 --> 00:01:44,408
Hey.
8
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:51,161
- Mail's here.
- What'd we get?
9
00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:54,089
Well, you've got bills.
10
00:01:54,730 --> 00:01:56,766
I got fan mail.
11
00:01:57,690 --> 00:02:00,045
Oh, and I think we all know
what little handyman...
12
00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:01,882
...gets Self Touchers Quarterly.
13
00:02:04,730 --> 00:02:06,800
And this is for you.
14
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:12,449
Oh, a letter from
the Office of Bingo Affairs.
15
00:02:12,690 --> 00:02:15,045
No doubt a part
of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco...
16
00:02:15,250 --> 00:02:17,844
...and Useless
Blood-Sucking Spouses.
17
00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:25,008
Al, I have been invited
to the Windy City Bingo Invitational.
18
00:02:25,210 --> 00:02:26,962
You know what this means?
19
00:02:27,170 --> 00:02:29,843
The couch is in danger
of flying away?
20
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,164
This is the World Series of bingo.
21
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:36,567
Top prize is $10,000.
22
00:02:36,810 --> 00:02:38,528
Well, I think it's exciting, Peggy.
23
00:02:38,770 --> 00:02:41,045
So you'll come to the tournament
with me?
24
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:44,401
Oh, well, I would...
25
00:02:44,610 --> 00:02:49,365
...but I can't. You see, bingo
brings up sad memories for me.
26
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,528
I had a dog named Bingo once...
27
00:02:53,050 --> 00:02:55,883
...who died a tragic death.
28
00:02:56,250 --> 00:02:59,162
I thought you had a cat named Gringo
that lived to be a hundred.
29
00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:05,358
Well, then I guess I can go.
30
00:03:05,610 --> 00:03:07,805
Thank you so much, honey pot.
31
00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:12,760
Peggy, do I have time to go home
and freshen up and amend my will?
32
00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:16,521
Sure. The tournament
isn't until next Tuesday.
33
00:03:16,770 --> 00:03:20,558
Don't worry, Al, this isn't
gonna cost you one red cent.
34
00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:22,038
Good.
35
00:03:22,250 --> 00:03:24,366
Give me $300.
36
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:26,478
What for?
37
00:03:26,690 --> 00:03:28,442
- Bingo clothes.
- You--
38
00:03:30,970 --> 00:03:33,245
Here, you Denver boot of a woman.
39
00:03:36,690 --> 00:03:38,408
Hey, Peg, don't forget about dinner.
40
00:03:39,130 --> 00:03:42,167
Steak? Sounds great. Thank you.
41
00:03:43,370 --> 00:03:47,602
Bingo invitational.
Jeez, the things that excite women.
42
00:03:47,850 --> 00:03:52,799
And now a word from our sponsor,
Girlie Girl Beer.
43
00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:57,519
The official beer of NO MA'AM.
44
00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:00,159
I hope this where
the girls are washing their cars...
45
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:02,247
...and they turn their hoses
on each other.
46
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,725
I hope it's the one
where the girls are studying...
47
00:04:04,930 --> 00:04:07,398
...and then they turn the hoses
on each other.
48
00:04:08,970 --> 00:04:12,724
Hi, I'm Yoko Ono...
49
00:04:13,130 --> 00:04:17,282
...the new spokeshuman
for Girlie Girl Beer.
50
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:21,367
Because we care
about the environment...
51
00:04:21,570 --> 00:04:25,324
...Girlie Girl Beer will donate
one nickel per case...
52
00:04:25,530 --> 00:04:28,522
...to save our vanishing rain forests.
53
00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:33,599
And now, a song I've written.
54
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,527
Jefferson, give me the remote.
55
00:04:54,010 --> 00:04:56,080
It wasn't enough breaking up
the Beatles.
56
00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:58,679
Now she's ruined our beer.
57
00:04:58,930 --> 00:05:01,569
Jefferson, call an emergency meeting
of the troops.
58
00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:05,598
NO MA'AM must pick a
new official beer.
59
00:05:26,130 --> 00:05:27,483
What's going on in the garage?
60
00:05:27,690 --> 00:05:33,162
Your father and the flab four are trying
to come up with a new official beer.
61
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:36,641
You mean they finished their search
for the official pork rind?
62
00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:39,562
Peg?
63
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:46,685
We need something to cleanse
the palate between beers.
64
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:49,763
Have you tried toothpaste?
65
00:05:50,010 --> 00:05:53,923
No, Peg. Toothpaste is for people
who kiss, smile or eat.
66
00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:57,762
Well, if you kissed, you might eat.
67
00:05:58,850 --> 00:06:01,045
Yeah, but I wouldn't smile.
68
00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:06,647
"Do not sell after 1989."
69
00:06:11,210 --> 00:06:13,565
Hell, I'm not selling, I'm eating.
70
00:06:15,010 --> 00:06:17,240
Hey, listen, Dad.
71
00:06:17,490 --> 00:06:19,162
As an outsider of NO MA'AM...
72
00:06:19,530 --> 00:06:21,805
...and if there's a God, this family...
73
00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:25,320
...why do a bunch of guys who are bleary
when sober need an official beer?
74
00:06:25,530 --> 00:06:27,088
Bud.
75
00:06:27,330 --> 00:06:29,890
While NO MA'AM
may look like a loose assortment...
76
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,843
...of foot pads, rakes
and rapscallions...
77
00:06:33,050 --> 00:06:36,599
...we are, in fact,
a proud order of dignified men...
78
00:06:36,810 --> 00:06:40,723
...who serve our community
with honor and panache.
79
00:06:41,330 --> 00:06:43,161
Hey, Al. Come quick.
80
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,565
Ike's got an atomic fireball
stuck up his nose!
81
00:06:45,770 --> 00:06:50,560
Again? Didn't he learn his lesson
from the corn dog?
82
00:06:51,250 --> 00:06:53,127
- Get the video camera.
- And the Dirt Devil?
83
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,161
No, she's reading.
84
00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:58,321
Al.
85
00:07:00,010 --> 00:07:03,764
Just how long are you guys gonna be
Jim Carreying around in there?
86
00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,682
I need a ride
to the bingo tournament.
87
00:07:05,930 --> 00:07:09,127
No, Peg. We're picking a beer.
88
00:07:09,370 --> 00:07:13,045
Can't you hitch a ride
on Marcie's poultry wagon?
89
00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:16,649
Al, the church is in
a very dangerous neighborhood.
90
00:07:16,890 --> 00:07:19,802
What could happen, Peg,
a drive-by plucking?
91
00:07:20,610 --> 00:07:22,168
Fine. Then don't take me.
92
00:07:22,370 --> 00:07:24,964
But I'm gonna just bust up
your little beer party here...
93
00:07:25,210 --> 00:07:27,360
...and ask some stupid questions
about sports.
94
00:07:27,610 --> 00:07:30,443
Oh, get in the car, Peg.
95
00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:33,365
And don't forget.
You gotta pick me up at 9:00.
96
00:07:33,570 --> 00:07:37,040
- Fine.
- Al! Look!
97
00:07:39,690 --> 00:07:41,601
We've got British ale.
98
00:07:41,850 --> 00:07:45,445
Men, don't forget.
British ale must be served warm.
99
00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:56,926
This is charming, Peggy.
100
00:07:57,130 --> 00:07:58,722
Thanks for inviting me.
101
00:07:58,930 --> 00:08:02,889
And the women are wearing
my favorite scent: dust.
102
00:08:03,410 --> 00:08:05,844
Oh, just relax, Marcie.
This is gonna be fun.
103
00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:09,480
Sit down and soak up the ambiance.
104
00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:17,967
There is now an open chair
at table nine.
105
00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:27,881
Maybe I'll just play
with one of these.
106
00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:30,289
Touch that marker...
107
00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:33,800
...and you're gonna be eating
through a straw like the rest of us.
108
00:08:35,810 --> 00:08:37,926
Oh, well...
109
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:43,119
...I guess I'll just sit here
until Al comes to pick us up...
110
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:46,165
...seven hours from now.
111
00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:52,038
Squeak that chair one more time...
112
00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:55,879
...and you'll wish you were never born
like the rest of us!
113
00:08:58,610 --> 00:09:00,805
I-28.
114
00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:10,922
Peggy, I'm feeling a little
uncomfortable around Brunhilda here.
115
00:09:11,730 --> 00:09:13,527
Oh, that's just Ceil.
116
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:15,806
She's really nice
once you get to know her.
117
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:17,648
Offer her a potato chip.
118
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:21,081
G-57.
119
00:09:21,610 --> 00:09:23,043
Would you like a chip?
120
00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:38,649
Back to business.
121
00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:43,966
Beer will be judged by nose,
body, taste and color of exit.
122
00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:49,961
And remember, no drinking.
123
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:53,719
We will sip, swish and spit.
124
00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:58,246
I'll sip and spit,
but I ain't gonna swish.
125
00:09:59,610 --> 00:10:01,965
You'll swish and like it.
126
00:10:02,610 --> 00:10:05,363
We will now commence with
the official NO MA'AM beer tasting.
127
00:10:05,610 --> 00:10:09,205
Jefferson, would you do
the honors, please?
128
00:10:09,530 --> 00:10:11,919
Gladly.
129
00:10:12,210 --> 00:10:15,839
Now, our first candidate
comes from Asia Minor...
130
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:20,362
...is made from agave
and bladderwort.
131
00:10:40,050 --> 00:10:41,768
All right.
132
00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:47,163
Our next beer is a fine Afghani ale...
133
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:52,525
...whose name loosely translated
means "yellow mountain runoff."
134
00:10:55,370 --> 00:10:57,247
Oh, hey, look.
135
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:59,645
There's a prize in every can.
136
00:10:59,890 --> 00:11:02,563
I'd be careful about that prize stuff.
137
00:11:02,770 --> 00:11:05,762
Remember what fell out
of that Chernobyl beer.
138
00:11:08,810 --> 00:11:12,689
What? That was an olive, right?
139
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:17,322
Sure, with an eyebrow.
140
00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:21,758
All right, all right, all right, all right.
141
00:11:22,010 --> 00:11:24,683
Let's forget about
this wimpy foreign beer.
142
00:11:24,890 --> 00:11:27,450
We're Americans.
Let's drink American.
143
00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:30,805
What's our first American beer?
144
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:32,723
Dos Equis!
145
00:11:38,810 --> 00:11:41,882
N-41.
146
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:46,640
Peggy, I don't think
I can sit here any longer.
147
00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:48,886
Shut up.
148
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:53,165
Just relax, Marcie.
This is the last game.
149
00:11:53,370 --> 00:11:56,168
Whoever wins this one
gets the big jackpot.
150
00:11:56,410 --> 00:11:58,287
Shut up!
151
00:11:59,330 --> 00:12:02,606
G-58.
152
00:12:05,690 --> 00:12:08,568
Look, Peggy, all you need
is one more square.
153
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:12,285
Yeah. But I never win anything.
I just play for fun.
154
00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:15,641
N-33.
155
00:12:15,890 --> 00:12:18,324
Bingo! Bingo!
156
00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:21,687
Oh, my God, bingo!
157
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:25,127
Congratulations, Peggy!
158
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,281
Shut up!
159
00:12:28,650 --> 00:12:32,609
Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of the $10,000 grand prize...
160
00:12:32,850 --> 00:12:35,045
...Mrs. Peggy Bundy.
161
00:12:39,690 --> 00:12:43,569
Oh, Peggy, what are you gonna do
with $10,000?
162
00:12:43,810 --> 00:12:46,324
Well, I think I'll give it to the needy.
163
00:12:46,530 --> 00:12:48,725
Of course, I "needy" it all.
164
00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:55,247
It's 9:00.
Al should be pulling up soon.
165
00:13:02,890 --> 00:13:04,926
Wait, Al, look it's 9:00.
166
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:08,327
When are we gonna stop sipping
and start drinking some of this stuff?
167
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:12,722
Yeah, all this beer foreplay
is making me thirsty.
168
00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:15,521
What's foreplay?
169
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,685
About 10 seconds.
170
00:13:21,970 --> 00:13:23,198
Then what's sex?
171
00:13:27,210 --> 00:13:30,805
All right, men. Focus, men, focus.
172
00:13:31,290 --> 00:13:34,407
All right, from now on
we'll each drink a little beer.
173
00:13:34,610 --> 00:13:38,125
But remember,
we must still show decorum.
174
00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:43,680
- Claudia Schiffer.
- Pamela Anderson.
175
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,848
- Claudia Schiffer.
- Pamela Anderson.
176
00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:52,966
What is the problem?
177
00:13:53,170 --> 00:13:56,560
You guys haven't thrown
a frigging punch.
178
00:13:57,930 --> 00:14:01,445
Hey, Al. I don't wanna box anymore.
179
00:14:01,690 --> 00:14:04,443
Let's dance.
180
00:14:05,410 --> 00:14:07,970
When you were dancing,
you wanted to box.
181
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:10,644
Oh, but-- But when I was dancing...
182
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,205
...I didn't get to lead.
183
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:19,040
Get out there, you big happy boy.
184
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:26,727
Hey, Jefferson, I got a bad feeling.
185
00:14:26,930 --> 00:14:29,285
Well, heck, you had about 40 beers.
186
00:14:29,490 --> 00:14:31,720
It's-- It's a wonder
you can feel anything.
187
00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:37,681
No, I think I was supposed
to do something around 9:00.
188
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:39,638
What time is it?
189
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:45,842
- It's 10:15.
- Oh, then I probably already done it.
190
00:14:47,730 --> 00:14:52,201
Hey, Bob Rooney. Go to the kidneys.
Go to the kidneys.
191
00:14:52,730 --> 00:14:56,359
Go to the bathroom.
Go to the bathroom.
192
00:15:04,690 --> 00:15:07,568
Well, staying true
to his performance in bed...
193
00:15:07,810 --> 00:15:12,167
...I think it's safe to say
that Al has let me down again.
194
00:15:13,090 --> 00:15:14,967
Unfortunately, in this case...
195
00:15:15,170 --> 00:15:18,242
...I can't just reach into the night stand
and get myself home.
196
00:15:24,210 --> 00:15:27,600
Well, thank goodness
we're in the comfort of a church.
197
00:15:27,850 --> 00:15:30,523
Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.
198
00:15:31,450 --> 00:15:33,088
I thought this was a sanctuary.
199
00:15:33,330 --> 00:15:37,369
Yeah, until 11. After that,
it's just another crime scene.
200
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:41,088
You don't understand.
We don't have a ride home...
201
00:15:41,330 --> 00:15:43,366
...and we're carrying
$10,000 in cash.
202
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:46,721
Now, if you make us leave, there's
no telling what will happen to us.
203
00:15:46,930 --> 00:15:50,002
Oh, I know exactly
what would happen to you.
204
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:55,241
But luckily, doctors today
can reattach almost anything.
205
00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:58,320
Take me.
Would you believe this isn't my real--?
206
00:15:58,570 --> 00:16:01,721
Peggy! I think we should call a cab.
207
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,128
You'll never get a cab
this time of night.
208
00:16:06,650 --> 00:16:08,208
You could get one in the morning...
209
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,964
...if you wouldn't mind shacking up
with me.
210
00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:16,606
I got a hot plate
and some macaroni and cheese.
211
00:16:17,770 --> 00:16:18,998
Marcie?
212
00:16:20,970 --> 00:16:23,279
Look, dream date.
213
00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:27,130
There's gotta be another way
out of here.
214
00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:30,999
There is one other way.
My cousin Elmo drives a gypsy cab.
215
00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:34,566
He can come and get you for $200.
216
00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:38,685
I can't believe you are ripping us off
in a sacred place.
217
00:16:38,890 --> 00:16:40,482
God is gonna get you.
218
00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:44,641
Yeah, there's so much more
he can take from me.
219
00:16:46,370 --> 00:16:52,127
Well, we are not paying $200 for a cab,
you cave-dwelling pirate.
220
00:16:52,330 --> 00:16:54,605
Suit yourself, bucko.
221
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,161
Sorry for the bumpy ride.
222
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:12,646
It's hard to steer
when you're coming off drugs.
223
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:15,884
Hey, watch out!
224
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,640
Damn jogger.
225
00:17:21,410 --> 00:17:24,402
Don't you think
you should turn your headlights on?
226
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:28,888
Nope, but feel free to turn on yours.
227
00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:33,642
I should report him. What's his name?
228
00:17:34,410 --> 00:17:37,641
"Dan Rostenkowski"?
229
00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:43,765
Why are you stopping?
230
00:17:43,970 --> 00:17:46,882
Well, you see this thing here
on my leg?
231
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:49,724
I go two more blocks,
I'll violate my parole...
232
00:17:49,930 --> 00:17:52,239
...we all explode together.
233
00:17:52,890 --> 00:17:54,881
Which is something
I've been hankering for...
234
00:17:55,090 --> 00:17:58,719
...since you two hot mamas
slid into my cab.
235
00:17:59,610 --> 00:18:01,680
- I think we'll just get out here.
- Fine.
236
00:18:01,890 --> 00:18:04,882
My buddy Abdula
will take you the rest of the way.
237
00:18:08,530 --> 00:18:12,159
I find driving to be
a really Zen experience.
238
00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:16,080
I think the faster you go,
the faster you get there.
239
00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:21,800
I never knew a Geo Metro
could go 140 miles an hour.
240
00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:27,049
Yeah. They corner great too. Watch.
241
00:18:32,170 --> 00:18:35,242
What a relief to be in a normal cab.
242
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,128
You seem like a nice person.
243
00:18:37,330 --> 00:18:39,890
Well, I love my work.
244
00:18:40,850 --> 00:18:45,207
- How long have you been driving?
- Seventy-two hours... straight.
245
00:18:47,090 --> 00:18:49,888
Driving's helped me forget about
the two-timing dirty dog...
246
00:18:50,090 --> 00:18:52,684
...who left me and took everything.
247
00:18:53,690 --> 00:18:56,523
I'll have the last laugh
when he finds out I wrapped his cab...
248
00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:59,449
...around a telephone pole,
wearing his favorite shirt.
249
00:19:00,610 --> 00:19:04,239
I got your,
"She was only making the bed."
250
00:19:23,170 --> 00:19:26,048
So where's Dad
and the rest of the lawn sprinklers?
251
00:19:27,130 --> 00:19:30,566
Well, the last time I saw,
Buck was giving them all sleigh rides.
252
00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:36,242
The horror.
253
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:39,169
The unspeakable horror.
254
00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:52,845
- Claudia Schiffer.
- Tastes great.
255
00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:59,964
Oh, look, my children.
256
00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:04,440
What's-her-name and
Don't-worry-about-me-I'm-on-the-pill.
257
00:20:07,930 --> 00:20:09,682
Bud. Kelly.
258
00:20:09,890 --> 00:20:13,439
When your mother asks about this,
and she will...
259
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:18,844
...you tell her we just tasted one beer
and went right to sheep.
260
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:23,287
What if she asks
why you didn't pick up your wife?
261
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:25,805
You just tell her
because she was too heavy.
262
00:20:34,570 --> 00:20:36,526
Hey, pookie.
263
00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:38,969
How was bingo?
264
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:42,685
It was great, Al. I won the $10,000.
265
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,081
Ten thousand dollars, Peg?
266
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,558
Let me see it.
267
00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:55,967
This is only three bucks.
268
00:20:56,890 --> 00:20:59,882
Well, that's all we had left...
269
00:21:00,130 --> 00:21:05,045
...after fighting our way north
via the underground railroad!
270
00:21:06,810 --> 00:21:10,485
- Thank your father, kids.
- Thanks, Dad.
271
00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:13,483
All this for new official beer.
272
00:21:14,170 --> 00:21:16,559
That's what we forgot to do.
273
00:21:16,810 --> 00:21:18,721
Pick a new official beer.
274
00:21:20,890 --> 00:21:22,482
How about Girlie Girl?
275
00:21:22,730 --> 00:21:24,880
- Hear, hear!
- Good choice.
276
00:21:26,090 --> 00:21:28,524
Hey, boy, that was easy.
277
00:21:29,410 --> 00:21:30,968
Where were we?
278
00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:35,402
Hey, I know. You guys stay put.
279
00:21:35,650 --> 00:21:37,402
I'll be right back.
280
00:21:37,690 --> 00:21:40,727
Al, it's 9:00. Where are you going?
281
00:21:41,130 --> 00:21:44,122
Yeah. I gotta go pick up the wife.1
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,078
Hey, Mom.
2
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,791
Oh, Kelly, something horrible
has happened.
3
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,032
Okay, don't worry, Mom.
I'm gonna call 911.
4
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,516
Oh, my God, I forgot the number.
Oh, God!
5
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,358
Oh, God. Oh, God.
6
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,192
Oh, Kelly, it's okay.
7
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,716
It's just that none
of my shows are on. Look.
8
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:43,669
I turn to Oprah,
and I get Monster Truckin'.
9
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:48,311
I turn to Phil,
and it's midget wrestling.
10
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:53,475
And look, I turn to Richard Bey
and it's a wet T-shirt contest.
11
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:58,718
Oh, wait a second.
That is Richard Bey.
12
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,397
Who could have done this to me?
13
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,118
Hi, Peg.
14
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,471
How was Oprah?
15
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,950
Oprah wasn't on today, Al.
16
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,512
And she won't be on tomorrow
either, Peg.
17
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:35,834
Why? Because I had
the cable company take her off. See?
18
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,314
The "Guy Package"?
19
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,429
With femme block.
20
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,070
See, it's a new service
they offer men...
21
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,073
...and some female tennis players...
22
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,869
...who are tired of watching
girlie crap.
23
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,997
See, Peg, it's my week off...
24
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,629
...and I want to spend it
watching quality TV.
25
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,317
You mean like monster movies,
jiggly shows and The Three Stooges?
26
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,516
Certainly.
27
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,310
And now, the exciting conclusion...
28
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:14,594
...of the Centerfold Weed-Whacker
Murders, on The Guy Channel.
29
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,114
That's it. I'm going over to Marcie's.
30
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,635
Tell her I said:
31
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,108
God, Daddy, you can really be
insensitive sometimes.
32
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,392
I know. Keep it down, pumpkin.
33
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,995
This is where the camp
counselor sprains her knee...
34
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,832
...running away
from the lizard king.
35
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,640
She doesn't have any bandages
so she has to cut strips...
36
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,832
...from her already too short skirt.
37
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,991
Now, this is the part
I gotta ask you to leave, pumpkin.
38
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,956
- Guy package, Dad?
- With femme block, son.
39
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,591
Kelly, guess what?
40
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,798
I've been chosen to be in a research
study about human behavior.
41
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,914
So where do you fit in?
42
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,953
Well, unlike you,
in the front seat of a car.
43
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,828
That's another story.
44
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,150
The point is, they're paying me
300 bucks...
45
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,750
...which should earn me first-class
passage on the old Amber airlines.
46
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,555
Yeah, like she's really knocking
down the door...
47
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,833
...to see you again after your little
movie-theater-popcorn trick.
48
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,716
Hi, Bud.
49
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,950
- Hi, Kelly.
- Hi, Amber, what's up?
50
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,679
Your mom needs her TV Guide.
51
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,673
She says it's in the room
of broken promises.
52
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,480
That would be in her bedroom. Okay.
53
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,118
Amber, my sweet.
54
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,673
It has come to my attention...
55
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,952
...that I may have been
a bit forward with you in the past.
56
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:58,199
You mean like when you grabbed
my shirt and went:
57
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,548
Yeah.
58
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,270
And I was thinking that maybe
I could make it up to you this weekend.
59
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,476
Your pants or mine?
60
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:12,116
You're amazing. Where do you learn
this kind of behavior?
61
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,318
No, you can't hide under
the tree stump.
62
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,480
He can burrow.
63
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,559
Don't you see? He's half mole!
64
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,672
Well, anyway.
For your information...
65
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,553
...a woman is more than a loose
assortment of body parts...
66
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,512
...put here for your entertainment.
67
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,159
We have minds too.
68
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,114
Hey, guys. This is so funny.
69
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,470
What a great idea. Look.
70
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,998
Beverly Hills, 90,210.
71
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,632
Boy, they must be really dumb.
72
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,912
That far in the future
they're still in high school.
73
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,952
Look, Amber. I do respect your mind.
74
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,954
I'd just respect it even more if it would
bounce gently when you walk.
75
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,032
Smooth.
76
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,840
Kelly, what am I missing?
77
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,152
Well, why don't we make this quicker
and talk about what you've got.
78
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:16,154
- Okay. Well, then, what have I got?
- Nothing. See how quick that was?
79
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,554
Oh, God.
80
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,714
Save me, Al.
81
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:31,192
I walk in the door after a hard day
of billiards and what do I see?
82
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,557
Peggy and Marcie sitting on the couch
watching, on Oprah...
83
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,671
..."Women Who Support Men."
84
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,230
Where do they find these losers?
85
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,916
- You got anything to eat?
- Check the traps.
86
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,714
Hey, Al, you know,
I've always been meaning to ask you...
87
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,279
...what does this switch do?
88
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,909
I don't know.
Get over here and sit down.
89
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,077
- That's your problem, you know that?
- What?
90
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,032
You don't know how to relax.
91
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,432
What the hell does that switch do?
92
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,037
Jefferson?
93
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,309
See what happens
when you pull this blue wire.
94
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:31,193
Two-point-six billion men on the planet
and we didn't marry any of them.
95
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,350
Come on, Al. Call an electrician.
96
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,079
I will not.
97
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,880
Just because someone
calls himself an electrician...
98
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,193
...doesn't mean he knows any more
about electricity than the average guy.
99
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,596
Just as I thought.
100
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,230
Mr. Bundy, I'm Sandy.
101
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,869
Welcome to our study
on human sexuality.
102
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,355
We're going to be exploring
your deepest desires...
103
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,034
...in our cybersex experiment.
104
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,671
We are?
105
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,638
Well, if that's okay.
106
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,673
Because some people are shy and--
107
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,356
Aren't we an eager beaver.
108
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,234
Now, I have something
for you to put on.
109
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,198
Well, no need.
I'm already wearing one.
110
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,314
I think we're a tad confused, Bud.
111
00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:02,715
You see, you will be wearing this
as you enter a world of virtual reality...
112
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,990
...and based on your answers
to our survey...
113
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,152
...we will create
your ideal sexual experience.
114
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,072
I see. I see.
115
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,757
So technically speaking,
who will I be boinking?
116
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,995
Your image of the perfect mate.
117
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,715
That shouldn't be a problem.
118
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,395
But who's gonna hold the magazine?
119
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,151
Okay, one more wire
and we'll be all hooked up.
120
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,075
We're hooked up.
121
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,153
This is Dr. Kessler.
He created this experiment.
122
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,550
Dr. Kessler, this is Bud Bundy.
123
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,349
Look, Dr. Kessler,
I don't mean to doubt...
124
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,070
...your little pleasure pouch here.
But, see, you're dealing with a guy...
125
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,159
...who's had the real thing more times
than there are stars in the sky.
126
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:03,354
Well, there are more than four stars
in the sky, Mr. Bundy.
127
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,990
Once you get away from the city
and you can...
128
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,272
We'll monitor his vital signs
from the next room.
129
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,790
I have a feeling
it could get ugly in here.
130
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,994
Doc, the point is...
131
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,031
...nothing can duplicate
the real thing.
132
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,516
I mean, there's not a machine in
the world that can actually re-create--
133
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:29,558
Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.
134
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,713
Oh, big surprise. I'm alone.
135
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,633
My perfect mate is myself.
136
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,830
Last time I tell the truth
on a sex survey.
137
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,470
- Amber?
- Surprised to see me...
138
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,831
- ...in your fantasy, Bud?
- No.
139
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,190
No, not at all.
140
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,718
I mean, it is my fantasy.
141
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,033
So now what do we do?
142
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,111
We have sex.
143
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,438
We do?
144
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,074
You mean just like that?
145
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,117
None of that pretending
to respect you...
146
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,232
...or any of that other junk women
devote entire magazines to?
147
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,193
Nope.
148
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,113
Do with me what you will.
149
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,117
Oh, I recognize this. It's foreplay.
150
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,591
Either that or he has a spastic colon.
151
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,318
Oh, baby, what you do.
152
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,313
Yeah, it's his colon.
153
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,919
Let's get a second opinion.
154
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,157
Hey, Bruno.
155
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,518
What does this look like to you?
156
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:54,477
Looks like I'm gonna need
a bigger mop.
157
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,874
- Jefferson?
- Yeah?
158
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,758
See what happens when I do this:
159
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,471
Good. So we got power upstairs.
160
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,877
You know, I bet we could teach them
to smoke cigars and ride tricycles.
161
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:43,030
Al, are you ready to call
an electrician?
162
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,037
I will not. I'm gonna find out
what this darn switch does...
163
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,033
...if it kills me and Jefferson.
164
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,838
Our secret weapon.
165
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,799
Now we'll get to the bottom
of this, Peg.
166
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,750
Let's do it.
167
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,631
Bob Rooney? He's a butcher.
168
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,191
Hence the genius of it.
169
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,916
You see, he owns the entire Time Life
series on household wiring.
170
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,751
Actually, Al,
I don't have those anymore.
171
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,552
My wife made me send them back.
172
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,068
Not before you read them
in the john, right?
173
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,916
Do you know me, or what?
174
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,108
Okay.
175
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:40,275
- Tell us where the circuit box is.
- Outside.
176
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,633
Thank God for Bob Rooney.
177
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,034
We could have been inside for days.
178
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,316
Guys, please call an electrician.
179
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,755
We will not!
180
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,319
I don't know.
181
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,313
Maybe I was too hard on Bud
the other day.
182
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,796
I mean, he is sort of cute,
don't you think?
183
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:16,155
Well, yeah, in a crypt-keeper
kind of a way.
184
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,194
Look, Amber,
I know that he really likes you.
185
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,709
Well, maybe I should
give him a break.
186
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,274
Oh, hi, Bud.
187
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,957
I've been thinking about your
invitation, and I'm free Friday.
188
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,156
Oh, good. Good.
189
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,119
You can spend it
hanging with Mr. Cooper.
190
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,193
As for me, I'm kind of busy.
191
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,559
I'll see you tomorrow.
192
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,395
- In your dreams.
- Yeah, you betcha.
193
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:02,349
Al, there is not an eyebrow
left among you.
194
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,915
- Please call someone.
- I will not.
195
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,994
All we have to do, Peg, is find out
where the last few of these wires go...
196
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,708
...and I can start my vacation anew.
197
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,313
And what about Bob Rooney?
198
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,397
You know, he's been
missing for two days.
199
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,999
Bob Rooney's not missing.
200
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,112
- Right, Bob Rooney?
- Right, Al.
201
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,113
He's in the wall.
202
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,875
- He is stuck in our house, Al.
- Like he's the only one.
203
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,396
Hey, good news, Al.
204
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,511
Griff thinks he's traced
the problem. Here.
205
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,075
Hang onto this dead wire
while we go to the basement.
206
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,793
Alrighty.
207
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,033
Odd.
208
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:55,432
I see my entire life
flashing before my eyes.
209
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,875
And that only happens right before--
210
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,555
Hey, Daddy, we need to talk.
211
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,311
What's that smell?
212
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,915
Some hair. Some skin.
213
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,039
- What's up?
- It's Bud, Dad.
214
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,798
He hasn't showered in four days.
215
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,629
He disappears at night and he has no
interest in the opposite sex anymore.
216
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,235
And the problem is?
217
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,835
Daddy, he's like that
and he's not even married.
218
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,359
Pumpkin...
219
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:41,031
...if there was something up with Bud
don't you think I would know it?
220
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,598
Son, are you okay?
221
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,671
Oh, yeah.
222
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,392
See? Father always knows best.
223
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,309
Now, excuse me. There's two guys
in the basement I've gotta kill.
224
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,077
Hey, Bud. What's in the box?
225
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,676
Just some old things
I don't need anymore.
226
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,195
Your porno magazines
and your rubber dolls.
227
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,351
Okay, Bud, I don't understand.
228
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,238
First you blow off Amber.
229
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,792
The only woman who's ever touched you
without saying, "Excuse me, sonny."
230
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,798
And now this?
231
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,999
Look, Kelly. I don't need Amber, okay.
I have her.
232
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,674
Dr. Kessler introduced me
to cybersex...
233
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,519
...and I can create Amber
any time I want.
234
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,751
But she's not the real Amber.
235
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,318
She's better.
236
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,996
She does what I want,
whenever I want it.
237
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,913
This is the breakthrough
that men have been waiting for...
238
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,156
...since the beginning of time.
239
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,909
You know what? It looks like
you and your cross-legged...
240
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,390
..."let's talk," gift-expecting...
241
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,876
...ordering-the-most-expensive-thing-
on-the-menu, "what about me?"...
242
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,510
...bimbo sapiens
are about to be made obsolete.
243
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,359
Amber, yes.
244
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:09,759
Excuse me.
245
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,673
Aren't you the world-famous
Dr. Keebler?
246
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,558
Kessler.
247
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,670
And you are?
248
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,799
Dr. Von Bundy.
I specialize in nuclear dentistry.
249
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,512
I've never heard of that department.
250
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,396
Well, it's a top-secret program
between the CIA and Crest...
251
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,712
...but, anyway, enough about me.
252
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,393
Tell me about your work.
253
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,353
Well, I first began
my sexual-behavior studies...
254
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,670
...10 years ago
on the lower primates.
255
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,717
That's these disks here.
256
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:46,078
With my more recent experiments
I've moved up the evolutionary ladder.
257
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,157
Somewhat.
258
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:52,988
I see. Fascinating.
259
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,834
So scientifically speaking:
260
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,710
Yes, well, my goal is to prove that the
human male's psycho-sexual needs...
261
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,916
...can be fully satisfied
with my machine.
262
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,754
Thereby eliminating
the embarrassment of rejection.
263
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:11,237
Do you really think
that you can make this obsolete?
264
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,472
Would you care to discuss this
over a moonlit stroll?
265
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,790
But I have a patient...
266
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:28,679
...who is now on autopilot.
267
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,159
Yes.
268
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,910
That's the spot.
269
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,673
You know what I like.
270
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,917
You bet I do.
271
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,510
Hey, what happened?
272
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,319
Enjoy, big boy.
273
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,837
God! Oh, God!
274
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,319
Good going, Al.
You have wrecked the house...
275
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,870
...Jefferson and Griff now look like
fried green tomatoes...
276
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,634
...and you still don't know
where that switch goes.
277
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,189
Have you anything at all
to say for yourself?
278
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,550
Al...
279
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,153
...bake me.
280
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,637
- Good night, kids.
- Good night.
281
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,830
- Good night, Bob Rooney.
- Night, Al.
282
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,232
You shake it.
Yeah, you shake it, baby.
283
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,910
That's the Bud I remember.
Good job, Kelly.
284
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,197
Yeah, well, I can't take all the credit.
285
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,198
Yeah, yeah, you.
Yeah, you're the one. Yeah.
286
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,711
That's it.
287
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,637
You shake that booty, baby.
288
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,190
You know what I like.
289
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,669
Al, you better not be fooling
with that switch again.
290
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,309
I'm not, pookie.
291
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,799
What the hell does this thing do?
292
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,388
Man, I gotta find out
where the switch to this light is.1
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:17,793
Hi, Mom.
2
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,077
Hi, Bud. How was work?
3
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,713
You know the line on the floor
of the vehicle services office...
4
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,275
...that takes you from the eye test
to the road test?
5
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,272
I like that line.
6
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,918
Well, last week my boss
hired his nephew to repaint it.
7
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,152
- That sounds easy.
- Yeah, sure...
8
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,272
...for those of us who aren't
20 minutes out of rehab.
9
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,873
The glue-meister, however,
decided to paint his line...
10
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,470
...straight from the front door
right to automatic renewals.
11
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,518
I just hope we caught it
before it caused any real damage.
12
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,115
And today on
the Eisenhower Expressway...
13
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,151
...there was a 78 car pile-up...
14
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,750
...caused by a 5-year-old
manning a cement mixer.
15
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,595
The driver, who was identified
only as Timmy, was not arrested...
16
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,951
...because he had
a valid driver's license.
17
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,232
Hey, Peg.
18
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,397
Did you see the horrible news?
19
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,438
Yeah. A 78 car pile-up.
20
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,198
No, not that news. Shoe News.
21
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:36,240
Shoe News is the only publication that
reaches the entire shoe community.
22
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,239
Well, that and Big 'Uns.
23
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,717
But look,
Luke Ventura got his name...
24
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,753
- ...and his picture in it.
- Who's Luke Ventura?
25
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,560
He's some guy who used to work
with me at Gary's Shoes.
26
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,918
He was always sucking up to the boss
and brownnosing.
27
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,714
He worked overtime,
he was polite to the customers...
28
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,872
...and he actually sold a shoe
from time to time.
29
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,113
Yeah.
30
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,270
But look at the luck
the SOB is having.
31
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,193
Peg, that should be
my picture in there.
32
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,752
Hey, guys.
33
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,353
Guess what we're doing down
at the Larry Storch School of Acting?
34
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,312
Merging with
the Slappy White School of Acting?
35
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,273
Oh, Bud, you're home.
36
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,552
I didn't see your Big Wheels
parked out in the driveway.
37
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,035
Anyway, Larry gave us
this great assignment.
38
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,593
I get to make a movie.
39
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:41,355
Do the words, "Does Dallas,"
appear anywhere in the title?
40
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,955
Aren't you late for your nightly lurk
around the newsstand or something?
41
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:57,000
Anyway, Larry says that it's as good
to be behind as well as in front...
42
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,676
...of the camera.
43
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,394
But I can't start my movie
until I have an idea.
44
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,716
Hey, Daddy, do you know anything?
45
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:13,034
I know that Luke Ventura
is in Shoe News and I'm not.
46
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,637
I should be there and he should
be here being your daddy.
47
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,873
There's no shot of that,
is there, Mom?
48
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,830
Come on, Dad,
you have to know something else.
49
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,349
Pumpkin, I don't have time
to know anything else.
50
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:30,235
It's a full time job just keeping
the tears in my head.
51
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,270
Now we're a two-job,
no-income family.
52
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,630
I gotta find an idea for my movie.
53
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,068
Movie.
54
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,316
That's it.
That will get me into Shoe News.
55
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,637
A movie about shoes.
56
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,720
If only I had an idea.
57
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,154
If only I had a camera.
58
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,074
If only I had a hammer.
59
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:06,510
So Al and Kelly actually
made a movie about shoes?
60
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,872
Yeah, but they prefer to call it
a shoe-cumentary.
61
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,758
I'm kind of worried
about Kelly, though.
62
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,032
How is she gonna get to the next
level at the Larry Storch School...
63
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,958
...if she doesn't pass
this assignment?
64
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,948
The Larry Storch School
has a next level?
65
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,994
Yeah, next year
is acting from the waist up.
66
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:34,192
Great news, Peg.
We just edited our film.
67
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:38,632
We cut it from eight hours
to a clean three-and-a-half minutes.
68
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:43,514
Well, seven of those hours we didn't
know the camera was on, so...
69
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,672
Al, may I speak with you in private?
70
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,359
Is this about your rose bushes?
71
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,552
- If it is, I heard a dog barking out there.
- Not that.
72
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,158
How could you use your own daughter
to make a stupid movie about shoes?
73
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,315
Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy,
but our shoe movie is not stupid.
74
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:00,748
It is genius.
75
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,270
We even entered it into
the Hammond Indiana Film Festival.
76
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,759
We're gonna be the biggest show biz
family since Betty and Barry White.
77
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,354
Wait a minute,
that film festival is sponsored by...
78
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,596
...the National Endowment
for the Arts.
79
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,792
They're offering $10,000
to the best film...
80
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,434
...which will be ours.
81
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:25,634
Al, those grants were intended
for starving and destitute artists.
82
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,831
Well, we are starving.
83
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,115
I'm not a destitute.
I've never taken money for--
84
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,555
Guard the film, pumpkin.
85
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:41,157
Look, Al, I'll grant you the NEA has
done some silly things in the past...
86
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:47,230
...but no way, no how, will they accept
a ridiculous movie about shoes.
87
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,671
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
88
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:55,476
...the world premiere of Shoes.
89
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:05,953
Shoes is a taut and gripping film
in the Warhol tradition.
90
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,077
Oh, please.
91
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:12,353
Will the gentleman in the third row
please sit down and stop heckling.
92
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:20,113
Now you've done it. Now you've gone
and ticked off my husband.
93
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,554
Shut up.
94
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:32,509
Millions of years ago,
man emerged from the ocean...
95
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,838
...and took his first steps
on dry land.
96
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,390
This of course was to
escape from women...
97
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,160
...and other blood-sucking
sea creatures.
98
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,350
Sheos.
99
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,959
Shoes.
100
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:13,359
Remember?
E before O except before E-I-E-I-O.
101
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,232
This is beyond redemption.
102
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,230
Peg, is that a yellow M&M
down there on the floor?
103
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,833
Well, I don't see an M&M, Al.
104
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:30,114
The cave people had to put
something on their feet.
105
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,959
They tried many things.
106
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,038
Tried many things.
107
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,475
Tried many things.
108
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,271
Many things.
109
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,557
Those are my dummies.
110
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,273
Oh, please.
111
00:09:55,200 --> 00:10:00,399
And then one day, legend has it,
the great shoe man in the sky...
112
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:05,720
...who once scored four touchdowns
in a single game, intervened.
113
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,033
When this is over,
try to stay at least 10 feet from Al...
114
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,959
...that way you won't get hit
by the first burst.
115
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:18,558
Some claim there was no great
shoe man in the sky.
116
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:23,436
Others say the answer won't be known
until the other shoe drops.
117
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,279
Rosebud.
118
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,192
- Bravo.
- Bravo.
119
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,550
- Bravo.
- Bravo.
120
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,792
Bravo.
121
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,793
They won?
Sheos, the movie, actually won?
122
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,710
Yup. First place.
123
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:18,074
The NEA actually gave Al and Kelly
a cheque for $10,000.
124
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,353
This is an outrage.
125
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,233
That money could have gone
for something much more useful...
126
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,795
...like jailing the homeless.
127
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,516
Well, it's not like it's theirs to waste.
128
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,314
They have to use the money they won
to make another movie.
129
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,278
Another one?
130
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:39,553
Yeah. But, of course, Al didn't realize
that until he'd spent a $1000 on beer.
131
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,356
Thanks for signing my inner thigh,
Mr. Bundy.
132
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,228
Now, now, Babette...
133
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,877
...we promised not to speak of
such things in front of Les Miserables.
134
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:12,800
So the NEA actually
gave you $10,000.
135
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,390
They did.
136
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,717
- This is exactly why I'm a Republican.
- Oh, really?
137
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,476
I thought it was because of the drinking
and wife-swapping parties.
138
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,756
That's never been proven.
139
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,198
Al, I thought you did this
to get into Shoe News.
140
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,113
Oh, no, Peg.
141
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,959
No, this is much bigger
than Shoe News.
142
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:41,119
Well, see, Peg, all my life, I've always
wanted to find something that--
143
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,356
That I was good at.
144
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,918
And the other night in that theater...
145
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:52,914
...when I heard the applause,
felt the love...
146
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,874
...I knew then what my true calling
would be.
147
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,997
Zoo exhibit?
148
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,110
Cheap and tawdry film.
149
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,237
And if all goes according to plan,
I'll be leaving for Hollywood.
150
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,876
Where when a guy has
a successful film, he leaves the wife.
151
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,988
Hey, Daddy,
I have these storyboards ready.
152
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,514
Good work, pumpkin.
153
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:22,190
All right, now as you recall,
the name of our new movie...
154
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,675
...is A Day in the Life
of a Shoe Salesman.
155
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,832
Yes, but aren't you gonna start
with the short cartoon...
156
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,510
...A Day in the Sex Life
of a Shoe Salesman?
157
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,793
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Peg.
158
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,795
Well, not if I buy a scope.
159
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,837
- Go ahead, pumpkin.
- All right.
160
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,511
Now these stick figures represent what
you go through in the course of a day.
161
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,990
That's good, pumpkin,
but, you know, it just doesn't say Al.
162
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,711
If you shorten that stick there,
it will.
163
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,672
You know, Peg, have I told you today
how much I love you?
164
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,798
- No, Al.
- Okay.
165
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,754
See, pumpkin, what I was saying,
it needs something.
166
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,236
It's too linear and too straight.
167
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,479
Needs bigness. Roundness.
168
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,674
Fullness.
169
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,077
Firmness.
170
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,512
Oh, God, I could die right now.
171
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,909
You would if Mom was here.
172
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,315
Why do we have to be in bikinis,
Mr. Bundy?
173
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,276
My dear, I'm not going to lie to you.
174
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,068
The integrity of the scene
calls for it.
175
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,792
Okay.
176
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,198
That and the crew really loves it.
177
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,913
Daddy? Yeah.
178
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,714
I just finished looking over
your rewrite of the script.
179
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,876
Now granted I'm not here every day...
180
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,674
...but how often do four women
in bikinis...
181
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,440
...just kind of wander on in
to buy shoes?
182
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,070
About as often as the guy
with an IQ of 16...
183
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,589
...gets to meet
a bunch of presidents.
184
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,788
What's your problem?
185
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,354
Daddy, the point is,
is that when we did Sheos...
186
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,677
...we were being true
to our subject and to ourselves.
187
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,030
Now this is not art.
188
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,310
I may not know art,
but I know what I like.
189
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,510
Sorry, ma'am, but we're closed.
190
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,472
Well, how come
they're buying shoes?
191
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,951
Why, look at them.
192
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:01,710
I see. So if I come back wearing
a bikini, you'll sell me some shoes?
193
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,390
Ma'am, if you get into a bikini,
I'll give you some shoes.
194
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,077
Deal.
195
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,269
Bye-bye.
196
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,829
Al, we gotta hurry.
197
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,714
All right now, girls,
here is the scene.
198
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,434
You're in the shoe store...
199
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,190
...you're laying down.
200
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,919
Why are we laying down?
201
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,998
Well, you're tired.
202
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,952
You've been shopping all day.
203
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,031
That makes perfect sense.
204
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,320
Daddy, what does this have to do
with selling shoes?
205
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,829
Everything. Now go away.
206
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,950
Yo, Bob Rooney here.
207
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,390
Hi, it's me, Ike.
208
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,751
- Hey, Ike. What's up?
- Nothing much.
209
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:54,430
Hey, listen, I thought of a catch phrase
for the movie poster:
210
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,313
Hasta la vista, shoe man.
211
00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,590
Loving it. Loving it.
212
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,109
I'll run it past the big guy.
213
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,392
Excuse me.
214
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,879
- Hello?
- Al.
215
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,354
Ike just called with an idea.
216
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,950
I know, he's right here,
you scrub brush.
217
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,516
What was I thinking of
when I bought you guys phones?
218
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,553
Hey, I didn't get a phone.
219
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,398
All I got was this beeper.
220
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,836
"Call Griff."
221
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,275
- Hey, Al, can I use your phone?
- No!
222
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,835
- I got a--
- No, no, no, no!
223
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,190
Guys, focus, focus!
224
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,278
Places, everyone, places!
225
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,029
A Day in the Life--
226
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,073
A Day in the Life
of a Shoe Salesman, take one.
227
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,797
And action.
228
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,797
Cut!
229
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:02,833
See, Alderman Kuczxynski.
230
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,395
This is exactly where
our tax money is going...
231
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:09,519
...to finance stupid films like this
made by idiotic filmmakers like him...
232
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,995
...and Steven Seagal.
233
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,790
Hi, sugar cakes. Remember me?
234
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,278
Sugar cakes is my given name.
235
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,552
Well, aren't you going to stop this?
236
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,193
No, he is not, Marcie.
237
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,870
You see, the NEA gave me money
for me to make a movie of my life.
238
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,957
If you want to see
a movie of your life...
239
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,596
...I suggest you go rent
Rooster Cogburn.
240
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,271
Where did you learn
to light a breast?
241
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,430
That's it. I'm calling Washington.
242
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,319
Bite me.
243
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,548
All right, places, everyone.
244
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,593
Places, please. Places.
245
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,833
A Day in the Life of a Shoe Salesman,
take two.
246
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,110
And action.
247
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,117
I'd like to buy some shoes
and then make love to you.
248
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,514
Fine, but first...
249
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,110
...I must make love
to these three here.
250
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,750
- Hold the phone.
- What is it now?
251
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,918
Daddy, we're selling out.
252
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,991
Now as co-bigwig
on this production...
253
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,158
...I cannot allow this abuse of power
to go on any longer.
254
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,518
- I'm all set, Mr. Bundy.
- Take your place.
255
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,153
Who's that?
256
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,749
He's playing the mall terrorist.
257
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,631
And action.
258
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,029
In local news...
259
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:59,314
...an 84 car pile-up was caused by
a blind man or his German shepherd...
260
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,195
...one of whom was apparently
driving an ambulance.
261
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:08,509
Again, no charges were filed
as both had valid driver's licenses.
262
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,518
Hey, family.
263
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,038
Jefferson.
264
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,750
Rhode Island Red.
265
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,159
Do we know yet how much the NEA
loved my movie?
266
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,628
Not yet, Al.
267
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,111
Funny, I sent it in over a month ago,
I wonder what could have happened.
268
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:32,353
Yeah. They wouldn't treat
Francis Ford Coppertop like that.
269
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,672
Yeah. You know, they're probably
passing it around Washington...
270
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,952
...and Clarence Thomas got ahold of it
and won't give it up.
271
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,272
They burned it, you cretin.
272
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,950
They put on their golf shoes
and jumped up and down on it.
273
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,237
Oh, Al, you know how slowly
the government works.
274
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:52,592
Remember last year? I didn't get
Marcie's tax refund cheque until June.
275
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,994
I thought you said I owed.
276
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,828
Why does it always
have to be about you?
277
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:06,948
Look, Daddy, don't worry.
278
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:09,913
Speaking as a student
of the Larry Storch School of Acting...
279
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,873
...I can guarantee you
that the NEA is gonna love it.
280
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:17,955
Today in the first unanimous decision
by Congress in 105 years...
281
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,836
...the NEA has been dismantled
due to their sponsorship of the film...
282
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,271
...A Day in the Life
of a Shoe Salesman.
283
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:34,993
Didn't you hear the news, Dad?
284
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,832
Yup.
285
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,233
Then why are you smiling?
286
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,476
Why, Peg?
287
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,194
Because it doesn't
matter anymore, see?
288
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,153
I made Shoe News!1
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,793
Bud, you said tonight
was going to be special...
2
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,356
...but all we've done
is watch bass fishing.
3
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,514
April, this is special.
4
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,598
This is Bassapalooza.
5
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,159
Okay, I admit it.
6
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,635
I had another reason
for asking you here tonight.
7
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,955
Will you go with me
to the spring formal at Trumaine?
8
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,350
- That'll be great.
- You don't have to apologize.
9
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,630
I don't even know why--
10
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,318
- You'll go?
- Yeah.
11
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,158
Well, why?
12
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,911
Bud, I've liked you from the first time
you walked up to my window...
13
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,473
...at Mrs. D'Arcy's bank.
14
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,069
You weren't one of those jerks
who carries quarters...
15
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:21,271
...in their front pocket
just to impress me.
16
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,753
How immature.
17
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,557
One thing, though. Do not tell
Mrs. D'Arcy about the dance.
18
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,832
Friday she's giving me
my final teller-trainee exam.
19
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,190
If she hears I'm gonna ditch it,
she'll kill me.
20
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,038
I won't say a word.
21
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,869
- See you on Friday?
- Yeah.
22
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,950
I did it, Buck. I got a date, boy.
23
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,156
You call that a date?
24
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,957
Meet me and the Johnson's schnauzer
behind the 7-Eleven tonight...
25
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,991
...and I'll show you a date.
26
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,478
Daddy, thank you for a great meal.
27
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,518
Yep, I love the Beef Bistro.
28
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,473
How many places are left
if you don't want the vegetable...
29
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,069
...they substitute another steak?
30
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,749
Now, Al, don't go to sleep.
31
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,188
You know our deal.
32
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,437
When you get beef, I get beef.
33
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,870
Peg, when you get beef,
I get the heebie-jeebies.
34
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,478
Mom, I have big news.
35
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,716
I just asked April
to my spring formal.
36
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,439
And she said no.
37
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,235
Honey, you don't have to explain.
It's okay.
38
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,955
What you need right now
is a nice hot cup of cocoa.
39
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,357
Al, make the boy some cocoa.
40
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,633
Well, I guess you're not getting
any cocoa...
41
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,077
...but then again,
I'm not getting any beef.
42
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,595
Mom, where you going?
43
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,473
Upstairs to get
some Hamburger Helper.
44
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,516
- This is Oliver Cole--
- And Mark Campbell.
45
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,951
--here on the voice
of Trumaine College, W-H-I-P Radio.
46
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:37,311
And for those of you on
the football team, that spells "whip."
47
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,398
This is The Mark and Oliver Show...
48
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,798
...where our motto is, "Together,
we're still not as fat as Rush Limbaugh."
49
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,113
Now, remember, we're gonna be
giving away free limo service...
50
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,992
...to this Friday's spring formal...
51
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,590
...to the student with the most
pathetic reason for wanting it.
52
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:56,909
You're on the air.
53
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,510
- Yeah, this is Bud Bundy, I'm trying--
- Bud Bundy?
54
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,516
We have our winner.
55
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:12,308
Tune in Saturday for our informative
interview with Trumaine's new dean.
56
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,994
Informative?
Hell, it's gonna be pure sleaze.
57
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,310
We've dug up enough dirt
on this mystery man...
58
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,353
...to make a luau pit
for Anna Nicole Smith.
59
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,595
- We have?
- Yes. We have.
60
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,878
Mark, you can't slander the dean
like this. You could get expelled.
61
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,796
You're right. Where the heck would I be
without you, buddy? Thanks.
62
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,873
Remember, folks, my partner Oliver
will be dissing the dean...
63
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,116
...right after
the Trumaine basketball game...
64
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,869
...featuring the debut of our Chechen
superstar center, Nickolai Pushkin.
65
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,514
He's big. He's bad. He's a commie.
66
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,797
Guess what. He's right here.
67
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,718
Hey, Nickolai...
68
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,388
...Mark didn't mean
anything by that commie crack.
69
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,672
Guys, I need help.
I have painful female problem.
70
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,196
I hear cranberry juice
will clear that little puppy right up.
71
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,590
No, I mean,
I have trouble with girl I date.
72
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,432
She is so cute.
73
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,995
Such good teeth.
74
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,397
- You said "teeth," right?
- Yes.
75
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:17,195
Breasts are a dime a dozen.
Good teeth are hard to find.
76
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,674
But I find out my girl
go to spring formal with other guy.
77
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:21,869
What I should do?
78
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,559
You should forget about her.
I mean, look at you, man.
79
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,392
You're the biggest hunk in Chicago.
80
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,354
You should be bagging more panties
than a clerk at Victoria's Secret.
81
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,148
Or if you don't wanna be
popping penicillin for life...
82
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,114
...you ask your special girl if she'll
go steady and hope she says yes.
83
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,349
Oh, she will.
84
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,393
Next time you see Nickolai,
he will be going steady with April.
85
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,670
Later, radio dudes.
86
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,997
Do they let everybody
into this country?
87
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,593
Why, hello, Dean Rhoades.
88
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,230
Hello, boys, I just heard your show.
89
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,516
- You thought it was funny?
- Not remotely.
90
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,555
Before I came here,
I looked up your grades.
91
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,751
Now, that's entertainment.
92
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,554
Look, this is gonna be my first
radio interview at this college...
93
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,320
...and I don't want you future fry cooks
to screw it up.
94
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:24,999
That's why I'm here.
95
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:29,273
Well, that and the cheerleader tryouts
in the quad.
96
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:34,428
So before they get
to the cartwheels...
97
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,757
...I wanna give you the spontaneous
questions you'll be asking me.
98
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,235
You want us to do a sham interview?
99
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,874
We may only be students,
but we have principles.
100
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,269
Me too. Never be late
for cheerleader tryouts.
101
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:54,071
Oh, and it's windy too.
102
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,394
All right.
103
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,108
Say, "Toes."
104
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,390
- Toes.
- Toes.
105
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,234
Why toes?
106
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,392
Well, in Wanker County,
that's where cheese comes from.
107
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,428
That's our limo.
108
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,792
April...
109
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,196
...tonight you are my queen.
110
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,358
And the man on the other side
of this door is our humble lackey.
111
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,556
You're driving a limo?
112
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,153
It was Marcie's idea.
113
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,432
She promised I'd be rubbing
shoulders with major celebs.
114
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,513
So far, it's just been a bunch
of horny college boys...
115
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,075
...that think it'll help them get lucky.
116
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,990
What a crock.
117
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,516
- Does it work?
- Yep.
118
00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,312
Especially when they--
When they tip me to run out of gas...
119
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,432
...just as a good Barry White song
comes on.
120
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,153
Cool.
121
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:10,997
April, tonight
I'm gonna sweep you off your feet.
122
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,113
Thank you, Mr. D'Arcy.
123
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:27,873
Hey, remember our deal.
124
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,594
You won't tell Mrs. D'Arcy
where I was tonight...
125
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,793
...and I won't tell her you slow-danced
with the homecoming queen.
126
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,992
Where am I?
127
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,996
Is the dance over?
128
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,716
It is for you.
129
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,318
Did I have a good time?
130
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,755
Sure, if you consider
having one beer...
131
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,394
...and passing out in the refreshments
a good time.
132
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,999
Bud...
133
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:07,194
...while you were hurling picante sauce
into the ficus...
134
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,273
...Nickolai asked me to go steady.
135
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,117
Nickolai Pushkin?
136
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,750
The basketball player
with the huge feet?
137
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,790
I knew I'd never have a shot
at going steady with you.
138
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,199
You wanna go steady?
139
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,438
Yeah.
140
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,358
Yeah, I do.
141
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,032
So-- So, what do you say?
142
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,598
I say...
143
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,315
...before I commit to either of you
I need some time to think.
144
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,918
Okay, I understand.
145
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,680
We all have to be adults about this.
146
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,077
By the way, Russians have tails,
you know.
147
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,672
Look it up.
148
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,555
Okay, boys, remember:
149
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,513
Stick to my prepared questions
and you'll live to graduate...
150
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,551
...and move back home
with your parents.
151
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,039
Ready?
152
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,357
This is Oliver and Mark,
live with Dean Rhoades.
153
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:13,794
What up, collegians?
154
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,790
So tell me, dean...
155
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:24,550
..."how does it feel to be so powerful
and yet so damned good-looking?"
156
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,393
Feels good. Feels damn good.
157
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,389
April, before my post-game
radio program...
158
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,433
...I must find a way to show you
how much you mean to Nickolai.
159
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,396
Nickolai, you sent me flowers?
160
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:47,554
Excuse me. Excuse me.
These flowers are from me, Bud.
161
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,832
You see, the card reads,
"I love you truly."
162
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,993
Not, "Nice kitty, rough tongue."
163
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,832
Bud.
164
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,435
April, I need to know.
165
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:07,350
Do we go steady, or must I nail
many cheap sluts to forget you?
166
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,713
April, I mean--
167
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,433
April...
168
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,469
...I need to know.
169
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:16,999
Are we gonna go steady...
170
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,909
...or must I watch many cheap sluts
on Baywatch to forget you?
171
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,314
Well...
172
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,349
There you are, young lady.
173
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,548
You have been dodging my calls
since last night.
174
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,228
Now, how do you explain
skipping the teller exam...
175
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,271
...to go to a party with Bud?
176
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:42,310
Well, I skipped the teller exam
to go to a party with Bud.
177
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,152
Look, April, you cannot be
a successful banker...
178
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,873
...if all you think about is men.
179
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,915
You have to find yourself first...
180
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,475
...and then you can look
for a boyfriend...
181
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,159
...or Bud.
182
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,591
Now, come with me,
I'll give you a makeup exam.
183
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,030
Oh, my God, that's my ex-husband.
184
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,478
That's Steve.
185
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,473
For our next spontaneous question,
dean:
186
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,393
"Was it your impressive rsum
that got you this job...
187
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,272
...or your penetrating blue eyes?"
188
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,872
It was a ragout of eyes and rsum,
with a dash of rapier wit.
189
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,433
Please, I did some checking.
190
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,672
Two months ago, you were
the chauffeur for the college president.
191
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,916
How do you explain
your meteoric rise?
192
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,518
That's not one
of the spontaneous questions.
193
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,589
I don't suppose it had anything
to do with this picture you took...
194
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:51,033
...of said president showing
his school spirit to the team mascot.
195
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,158
This interview is over.
196
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,157
Consider yourselves expelled.
197
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,516
You will never
study in this town again.
198
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:04,076
Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.
199
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,756
Oh, no.
200
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,357
I can't believe you are pushing
18-year-olds around.
201
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,118
What will you do for an encore?
202
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,359
I think I'll look at our wedding photos
and try to find your breasts.
203
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,792
You're gonna have
to look pretty hard...
204
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,390
...because they're hidden
under your gorgeous cousin's hands.
205
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,710
You're not gonna let my ex
get away with this.
206
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:34,071
Of course not. We're gonna go about
our lives as if none it happened.
207
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,317
Hello, Starbucks?
You got any openings?
208
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,430
Yeah, well, in the '60s, we would have
protested this kind of injustice.
209
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:44,757
You know, bar the doors.
Seize the mikes.
210
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,428
Tear the roof off this sucker.
211
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,035
What do you say, Mark?
212
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,198
I'm not sure. I might have to go
to coffee school in the morning.
213
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,469
That's a yes.
214
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,956
Well, what are we waiting for?
To the airwaves.
215
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:06,478
Honest students
and scum-sucking administrators.
216
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:11,196
Two righteous bros have been
expelled just for exposing the truth...
217
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,833
...which we have proof of.
218
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:16,237
So we have liberated this station
and we will broadcast non-stop...
219
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,998
...until they are back in school...
220
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,716
...and ex-limo flunky Steve Rhoades
admits he's a weenie.
221
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,279
Steve Rhoades,
give in to our demands now.
222
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,598
The students have been mobilized.
You are surrounded.
223
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,430
So these are your radicals?
224
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:42,993
Odd.
225
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,239
I don't hear anyone chanting,
"Attica, Attica."
226
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,516
Attica! Attica!
227
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,678
One guy.
228
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,631
Don't worry. They will come.
229
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,358
One guy.
230
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,113
Shall we discuss the terms
of our surrender?
231
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,908
No, Mrs. D'Arcy, this is my fight.
232
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,550
Well, actually it's your fight,
I just stupidly got caught up in it.
233
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,877
But I'm ready to take it.
I'm gonna light up these phone lines.
234
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,358
That's great. That gives me time
to get a gas mask and a mocha latte.
235
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:34,678
Students, faculty,
people whose radio dials are stuck.
236
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:39,277
Let me quote for you the bylaws
of our besieged radio station.
237
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:43,109
In article B, section two:
"Procedures for Binding Arbitration."
238
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:44,554
He's killing us.
239
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,830
Yeah, well, you should
see him on a date.
240
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,634
Why don't you stay here while I think
of a way to get our audience excited.
241
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,398
Solid.
242
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,992
I just don't know who to choose.
I mean--
243
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,995
Nickolai, you're so strong...
244
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,232
...and, Bud, you're so cute.
245
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,511
Is Nickolai not cute?
246
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,033
Oh, yes.
247
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:20,028
And my body melts
from your searing kisses.
248
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:25,791
--pursuant to FCC code 117-V,
paragraph six.
249
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,031
But I don't have to tell you that.
250
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,077
What about my kisses?
251
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,508
They sear.
252
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,597
You can ask anybody I've kissed.
253
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,279
Ask--
254
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,273
- Ask--
- Your mother?
255
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,956
Let's do it, punk.
256
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,518
I accept your apology.
257
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,550
They have come.
258
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:52,077
Get out of here.
What's the matter with you people?
259
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:53,828
April.
260
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,308
Before I met you...
261
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,433
...a hot date was when my rubber woman
got her thigh stuck on the radiator.
262
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,396
In Chechnya, we can't afford
rubber woman.
263
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,478
We have to draw happy face
on inner tube.
264
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,677
I don't blame you.
I've seen Russian women.
265
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,029
As long as you say you're sorry.
266
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:24,748
April, I'm 21 years old
and I've only had sex four times.
267
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,599
You told me you've been involved
with hundreds of women.
268
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,597
But they weren't real--
269
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,868
--ly important to me. Like you are.
270
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,075
Mr. Bud?
271
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,078
Hey, you'll get your shot,
Hoop Dreams.
272
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,712
April, please choose me.
273
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,876
I'm tired of sitting home
Saturday nights...
274
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,436
...moaning in two different voices
so my sister won't tease me.
275
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,640
- Bud.
- What is it?
276
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,518
We are on the air.
277
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,470
Yes, you are.
278
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,592
Of course.
279
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,074
You've been listening
to Hot Talk With...
280
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,952
- April.
- ....April.
281
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,152
If you'd like to keep this program
on the air, call the station...
282
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,511
...or better yet, come down here
and get in Dean Rhoades' face.
283
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,439
April, will you take some calls
for us here?
284
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,993
You're on the air with April.
285
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,876
Hi, my name is Sandy and I really
think you should choose Nickolai.
286
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,588
Thank you. Next.
287
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,315
Yeah, my name's Jill
and I think you should choose Bud.
288
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,832
Thank you.
289
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:39,674
You're on Hot Talk.
290
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:43,873
Yeah, hi. My name is Kelly Bundy
and I think you should choose Nickolai.
291
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,672
Look, Nick, Bud,
I know you want my answer...
292
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:53,871
...but it's such a hard choice.
293
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:58,477
I mean, if I choose Nick, I would be
the envy of every girl in Chicago.
294
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,438
If I choose Bud...
295
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,632
...Nick would beat you
to a bloody stump.
296
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,508
I wouldn't care.
297
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,830
Oh, you would care.
298
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,678
The people are with us.
We've raised their consciousness.
299
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,553
Power to the people!
Power to the people!
300
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,995
Take off your shirt!
301
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,315
Well, guys, I think Mrs. D'Arcy
may just be right.
302
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:28,838
I mean, maybe I need to find myself
before I find a boyfriend.
303
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,196
- Do you understand?
- Perfectly.
304
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,311
What did she say?
305
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,075
She's dumping us both, man.
306
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,794
- Let's go have a beer.
- Okay.
307
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,629
But an O'Doul's for you, little friend.
308
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:46,989
Hot Talk! Hot Talk! Hot Talk!
Hot Talk! Hot Talk!
309
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,718
Well, it's working.
They're hanging the dean in effigy.
310
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,515
That's not effigy.
They're really stringing him up.
311
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:59,719
I've decided, out of my own sense
of decency, to give into your demands.
312
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,593
Mark and Oliver are back at school
and on the radio station.
313
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,156
But you have not heard
the last of me.
314
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,953
April, I heard what you said
about me being right.
315
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,799
So I guess this means
you want to be a banker?
316
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,035
Not exactly.
317
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,550
I wanna go to Trumaine
and work at this radio station.
318
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,751
But you've only done that
for five minutes.
319
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,468
And look, I'm really good at it.
320
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:26,356
Fine. Then I'll just find someone else
to work under me.
321
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,716
Oh, Nickolai!
322
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:38,238
And the fact that Trumaine
is a land-grant college...
323
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,516
...protects the station's
freedom of speech...
324
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,314
- ...along with assembly...
- Oliver. Oliver.
325
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,715
- ...religion--
- Oliver, you can stop now.
326
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,797
Dean Rhoades has given in.
327
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,075
You mean, I did it. I won. I moved
them with my compelling oratory?
328
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,356
Yeah, you're the man.
329
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,239
Guess what else?
330
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,034
Our little radio station has found
an audience, my friend.
331
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,549
You know what that means?
We are a hit.
332
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,758
Well, this is great news.
333
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,111
But now that we have power,
we must be careful not to abuse it.
334
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,550
Oh, we won't.
335
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,949
- This is Mark Campbell.
- This is Oliver Cole.
336
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,718
And this is April Adams.
337
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,952
Tune in tomorrow, when we'll make
surprise phone calls...
338
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,072
...to wives of professors
who sleep with students.
339
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:27,355
We have names.
We have numbers. We have...
340
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,712
...arrived.1
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:19,079
And now live from the Cayman Islands,
the Home Swapping Network.
2
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,470
Where you can swap
that old crap you bought...
3
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:26,510
...from some other shopping network
for some entirely new crap from us.
4
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,911
And they say there's nothing
good on TV.
5
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,236
Hi, guys. You wanna catch
a Woody Allen movie with me?
6
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,633
I don't know. Woody Allen's
never really done it for me.
7
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,155
But then again,
I'm not his step-daughter, so...
8
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:47,796
You know, besides, Al, Jefferson,
and the rest of the fat pack...
9
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,828
...will be home soon
from losing their bowling semi-finals.
10
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,156
Yeah, I wonder if they let Bud play
this year.
11
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,750
- Why wouldn't they?
- Well, he's an alternate.
12
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,195
Yeah, and he stinks.
13
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,831
Well, that's not fair. He sucks.
14
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,949
But-- But in his defense, he blows.
15
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,998
Well, here they come.
Now, if you listen very carefully...
16
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,357
...you can actually hear
the footfalls of failure.
17
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,548
Al, you won?
18
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,912
We are festooned and beribboned,
are we not?
19
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,199
"Best of Breed"?
20
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,915
Well, Teddy's Veterinarian Clinic
donated them.
21
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,670
Last year's winners got shots.
22
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,633
Last year's losers got neutered.
23
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,714
I thought you guys
were last year's losers.
24
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,916
Hey, speaking of neutered,
did Bud get to bowl?
25
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,269
Well, actually, pumpkin, he helped us
in much more important ways.
26
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,433
Hi.
27
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,754
No, no, you guys, just relax.
Relax, I got it.
28
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,592
No, let me help you there, son.
29
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,590
Just put them down there anywhere.
30
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,918
That's the best damn alternate
in the league.
31
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,193
Well, men...
32
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,392
...one more victory and we bring home
the Puggy Weaver Cup.
33
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,556
- The Puggy Weaver.
- Can't wait.
34
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,189
Who's Puggy Weaver?
35
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:50,479
Only the most honored bowler
in the history of Jim's Bowlerama.
36
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:51,789
He's dead now.
37
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,675
But he symbolized the Olympian ideal
of pure competition.
38
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,309
- How did he die?
- He choked to death...
39
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,949
...trying to swallow eight waffles.
40
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:06,999
We tried to stop him at seven,
but he was going for the record.
41
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,750
What an athlete.
42
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,600
Get a grip, Bob Rooney.
43
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,720
All right, in 10 days we bowl
for the championship...
44
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,229
...which means we start
intense training.
45
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,908
Twinkies, Ding-Dongs
and beer are in.
46
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,680
Protect your bowling arms
at all times.
47
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,110
Sex before the match is out.
48
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,190
Unless, of course, you can keep it
secret from the wives.
49
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,311
Lock it down!
50
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,916
For the eighth and final time,
what are you morons doing?
51
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,915
Well-- Well, ma'am,
if you had taken the time...
52
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,270
...to read page 19
of the sports section...
53
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,948
...beneath the high school
track and field results...
54
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,754
...you would know that we,
Gary's Angels...
55
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,270
...are bowling against A.J.'s Casketeria
next week...
56
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,189
...for the prestigious
Puggy Weaver Memorial Cup.
57
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:11,476
Good, because I thought this was
the worst puppet show I've ever seen.
58
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,754
Now, what size am I?
59
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,909
Well, I'm no expert,
but from where I sit, I'd say...
60
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,473
...too big for shoes.
61
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,760
I'll have your jobs for this.
62
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:32,350
Fine. If we can trade
for what's in your fridge.
63
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,399
You know, this wouldn't be a bad job
if people didn't come in here.
64
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,070
Hey, Al, do you mind
if I knock off early?
65
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,276
Sure. Go ahead, buddy.
66
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,076
But remember, no sex.
67
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,553
Farthest thing from my mind.
68
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,153
I guess I'll tidy up around here
a little bit.
69
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:08,351
Of course, there's not much you
can do with one hand up in the air.
70
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,988
Except put the other one up.
71
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,518
Al?
72
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,314
Oh, you're in the bathroom, huh?
73
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,998
Al!
74
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,834
Your arm is down!
75
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,839
Wait, wait, wait a second.
76
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,394
What happened, Al?
Were you robbed?
77
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:59,790
No, Kathy Ireland came in here, tied
me up and we had wild sex all night.
78
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,159
Cool.
79
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,749
Same thing happened to me.
80
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,912
Untie me, you moron!
81
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,871
Hey, Al...
82
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,389
...your arm is down.
83
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,156
Hey. Hey, what happened?
84
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:25,313
- Well, apparently Kathy Ireland came--
- Shut up!
85
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,957
Jefferson, it was awful. Some guy
came in here and tried to rob me.
86
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,912
He tried to make me
open the register...
87
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,839
...and it had been so long
I'd forgotten how.
88
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,550
Then he took me in here and he tied
me up and I had to sit here all night...
89
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:42,151
...surrounded by shoes.
Oh, it was awful.
90
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,830
Hey. Hey, I just had a thought.
91
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,514
Have you ever heard
of stress-related illnesses?
92
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,113
No. What are those?
93
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,914
They're bull, but they've made
people millions of dollars.
94
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,678
All you have to do...
95
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,757
...is say that you've been
traumatized...
96
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,793
...and you can't work around shoes
anymore and then sue.
97
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,237
- Sue? Sue who?
- Everybody.
98
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,357
Believe me.
Al, malls across America...
99
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,348
...set aside millions of dollars
for just this type of frivolous lawsuit.
100
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:15,109
It's the American way, Al. And if these
millions are not spent on lawsuits...
101
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,517
...they go to social security,
then nobody gets it.
102
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,357
Jefferson, I'll do it.
103
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:31,269
Damn.
I wish I'd been tied up and robbed.
104
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,028
Well, actually, I did get tied up.
105
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,519
But I didn't get robbed.
106
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,719
Hey, wait a minute!
107
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,752
Hey, Peg, guess what.
108
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,515
Al, before you go to work
would you take out the trash?
109
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,871
No, Peg, you don't understand.
110
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,877
I've got something important
to tell you.
111
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,116
I know it's not as important
as Richard Bey...
112
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,517
...running around with a condom
on his head, but it's all I got.
113
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,791
- What is it, Al?
- I'm suing the mall, Peg.
114
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,195
All I gotta do is pretend
I'm afraid of shoes...
115
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:13,393
...and not get caught wearing them,
and they give me a bunch of money.
116
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,516
Bad news, Al.
For some ungodly reason...
117
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,110
...they seem to be cracking down
on frivolous lawsuits.
118
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,669
The mall just hired
a private investigator.
119
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,873
He trailed me here.
I tried to shake him at the nudie bar--
120
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,830
I mean...
121
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,510
I got here as soon as I could.
122
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,190
Look, they just wanna be sure
that you're really afraid of shoes.
123
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,072
So how convincing can you be?
124
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,355
How convincing can I be?
125
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:04,273
Now, it may appear
that I enjoyed that...
126
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,592
...when in actuality,
I'm choking on my own bile.
127
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,476
You fooled me.
128
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,957
That's him.
Okay, remember, stay cool.
129
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,873
Our lives are in your feet.
130
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,394
That's why life stinks.
131
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,034
Hi, I'm Leslie Baum,
private investigator.
132
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,631
I represent the New Market Mall in your
frivolous $4-million lawsuit.
133
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,793
Charmed.
134
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,917
Look, Bundy,
I'll tell you straight out...
135
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,678
...I think you're a fraud.
136
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,359
Oh, yeah?
137
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:46,235
Well, with a name like Leslie,
I think you're a sissy.
138
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,075
What was that?
139
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,033
"Come on in.
Stay a week and try to disprove...
140
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,277
...my cockamamie little shoe story"?
Don't mind if I do.
141
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,633
Hey, Baum,
you can't just barge in here.
142
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,359
Well, why don't you just put on
your shoes and kick me out?
143
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,713
You're damn right I will!
144
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,597
Will not...
145
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,439
...because...
146
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,392
...I'm afraid of shoes, you see?
147
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,469
Tell you what, Mr. Bundy.
148
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,956
You have one week to convince me
that you are afraid of shoes.
149
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:33,153
I have one week to prove
that you're the biggest fool alive.
150
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,794
Right now, my money's on me.
151
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,598
So feeling lucky, Bundy?
152
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,517
Let's rock.
153
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,833
Today on Geraldo:
154
00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,552
People who survived
being on Jenny Jones.
155
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:08,316
Mrs. Bundy, I couldn't help but notice
that you're really attached to your TV.
156
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,593
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.
157
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,189
My TV was talking.
158
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,834
You know, if you're willing
to help me out here...
159
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,237
...there just might be
a 40-incher in it for you.
160
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,877
Mr. Baum.
161
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,230
I meant a big-screen TV.
162
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:43,119
You mean, you want me to sell out
the man that I've been married to for--?
163
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,028
Is that picture in a picture?
164
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,673
Well, I can't. I won't.
165
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:54,509
I'm telling you, Mr. Baum,
Al really is afraid of shoes.
166
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:59,316
Look, Mrs. Bundy, I can spot a liar
a mile away and I'll prove it.
167
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,875
For instance, take your son there.
168
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,550
Looks like he's reading, but if you'll
notice, his eyes aren't moving.
169
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,318
That usually denotes
that he's looking at a picture.
170
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,433
From the little beads of sweat
on his forehead, I think it folds out.
171
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,516
He should be heading upstairs
any time now.
172
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,676
Al, you gotta be careful.
This guy is good.
173
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:49,236
Don't worry, Peg, all I gotta do
is go three more days.
174
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,591
If I can serve 20 years with you,
I can--
175
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:57,959
I can handle 72 hours
with squirrel boy.
176
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,273
Al, quick, grab the bags.
They moved the finals to tonight.
177
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:06,999
Zounds.
178
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,919
Well, we better hurry.
Bud, ready our balls!
179
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,997
Men, to the alley.
180
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,116
One little problem, though,
Mr. Bundy.
181
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,312
Don't you usually bowl in shoes?
182
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,597
He's right, Al.
183
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,279
It's time to:
184
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,833
He said, "Lose the scam."
185
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,629
It's not a scam.
Don't worry, men.
186
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,474
I know a way to get my 4 million
and the Puggy.
187
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,353
Al Bundy will not fail.
188
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,152
I wonder if Bundy and the shoe flies
are even gonna show.
189
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,039
I don't know. In the high-pressured
world of shoe sales...
190
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,959
...you just don't wake up and go.
191
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,468
Wait a minute.
Who's bringing their work home?
192
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,597
Oh, it's just Bundy with no shoes on.
193
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,831
That's cute, Milt.
194
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,957
How's business?
195
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,076
- Dig up a new wife?
- Come on. All right, come on.
196
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,555
We'll settle this
on the alley of honor.
197
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,438
Fine, Bundy.
We're gonna bury you.
198
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,359
And then we're gonna steal
your watch.
199
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,356
Let's bowl, dead boys.
200
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,477
Okay. So, Al...
201
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,114
...what's this brilliant master plan
that can't fail?
202
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,920
I am going to bowl...
203
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,952
...barefoot.
204
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,148
And?
205
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,273
That's it.
206
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,799
- Well, that's better than nothing.
- That is nothing.
207
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,753
Don't worry about it.
This championship is as good as ours.
208
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,551
You need shoes.
209
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,394
Why can't I bowl barefoot?
210
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,915
Because we had a guy in here
who bowled barefoot...
211
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:18,159
...fell, got a splinter,
and sued us for $1 .5 million.
212
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,955
So the new rule is, you need shoes.
213
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,918
What are we gonna do?
214
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,759
Well, we're gonna have to go
with our alternate.
215
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,919
Bud.
216
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,554
But he stinks.
217
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,791
He's my son!
218
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,468
Don't you think I know he stinks?
219
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,277
But he's a Bundy.
I'll give him a pep talk, he'll bowl fine.
220
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,233
Bud boy. I need to talk to you, son.
221
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:49,592
What? Someone need to wipe
their hands on the back of my shirt?
222
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,513
Son.
223
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,593
Remember that time you didn't make
the Little League team...
224
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,075
...and you came home crying...
225
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,635
...and I said it was okay
because you did your best?
226
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,798
- Yeah.
- Well, that was a crock.
227
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,232
I was ashamed of you then
and remain so to this day.
228
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,148
I'm gonna give you a second chance.
I need you to bowl.
229
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,830
I need you to bowl well.
I need you to win.
230
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,948
Can you do that for your pa?
231
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,749
- I haven't bowled for a while. I don't--
- He's in!
232
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,230
All right! Yes!
233
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,313
Go take a practice throw, son.
234
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,159
You see, that's the good thing
about being a Bundy.
235
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,272
Even though the chips may be down
and things look bad...
236
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,392
...every time we-- Incoming!
237
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,713
God, you stink!
238
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,589
Look, Bundy, I like you...
239
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:55,432
...so I took the liberty
of securing you a pair of these.
240
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,229
Why, those are
Air Earl Anthony 5000s.
241
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,395
The finest bowling shoes made.
242
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,477
Put them on.
243
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,956
Don't do it, Al. It's $4 million.
244
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,628
Let the games begin.
245
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,874
Now, son, listen to me
very carefully.
246
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,718
Last frame.
247
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,911
We're down by nine.
248
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:11,188
You have two shots to knock
all 10 pins down and we win.
249
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,431
Can you do it, son?
250
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,710
- Dad, I'm a little rusty. I don't--
- Piece of cake!
251
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,678
Come on, Bud. Come on.
252
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:25,273
Okay, Bud. Okay.
Whatever you do don't leave a split.
253
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,598
Gee, I wonder what's
gonna happen now.
254
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,836
Yes. He left a six-seven-ten.
255
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,838
He'll never be able to pick up
the six-seven-ten. We won.
256
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,393
We're resurrected.
257
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,952
Stop!
258
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,876
Daddy's got a new pair of shoes.
259
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,360
Yes! Yes!
260
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,158
Yes!
261
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,833
You're the man.
262
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,433
Look, Peggy, the Puggy.
263
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,272
Can you feel the excitement?
264
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,439
No, Al.
265
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,633
As usual, when you're excited,
I feel nothing.
266
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,515
It's the 4 million, isn't it?
267
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:03,874
Why did you do it, Al?
268
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,594
Why did you snuff out any hope at all
for a better life?
269
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,076
Well, it's a guy thing, Peg.
270
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,036
I couldn't let a couple of bucks come
between me and my friends...
271
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,277
...they wouldn't talk to me anymore
and then I'd just have...
272
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,238
...you.
273
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,316
Hey, Al, hurry up.
The winner's ball is starting.
274
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:29,230
Oh, and Griff has already eaten
the crust off all the pies.
275
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,397
Oh, Peg, can life be better?
276
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,108
Sadly...
277
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,275
...pathetically...
278
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,118
...no.1
00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,215
Steak again, Peg?
2
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:27,092
Well, that's four nights in a row.
3
00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:28,375
Oh, I'm sorry, Al.
4
00:01:28,580 --> 00:01:32,414
But steak is all
that Kelly's secret admirer sent over.
5
00:01:33,580 --> 00:01:36,538
I thought we had a lobster
around here.
6
00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:38,492
Wonder what could have
happened to it.
7
00:01:47,460 --> 00:01:51,339
No drawn butter?
What do they think I am?
8
00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:55,413
Bud, would you like
some crme brle?
9
00:01:55,660 --> 00:01:59,289
- No, I don't want any crme brle.
- Good. More for me.
10
00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:03,291
Aren't you two curious
about who is sending all this stuff?
11
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,889
I mean, some mystery guy
sees Kelly on a commercial...
12
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,852
...starts lavishing us with presents.
13
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:10,176
- He could be a maniac.
- Oh, Bud.
14
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:14,134
Maniacs don't send nice gifts
like roses and chocolates...
15
00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:17,138
...and Chanel No. 5.
16
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,816
I, for one, will not gorge myself
on my sister's misfortune.
17
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:24,772
As you say.
18
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:31,618
Hey, guys.
19
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,459
Guess what my secret admirer
brought for me today.
20
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,976
Twelve long-stem roses.
21
00:02:43,260 --> 00:02:45,820
Al, how come
you never send me roses?
22
00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:48,335
I don't like you, Peg.
23
00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:53,373
Anyway, Mom, I was at my audition
for Easy-Off Jeans.
24
00:02:53,580 --> 00:02:57,493
The jeans so tight, you're the only one
who knows you're wearing pants?
25
00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:01,898
Now, this is a nationwide commercial.
I mean, all 13 colonies.
26
00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:04,731
So naturally I was really nervous.
27
00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:08,694
Then all of a sudden this delivery guy
brings me these flowers.
28
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,856
Any pork?
29
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,174
No, Daddy, but the card said...
30
00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:19,089
...that my secret admirer is gonna
come over here today at 5:30.
31
00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:21,171
Tell him to bring pork.
32
00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:23,977
Dad, don't you know
what that means?
33
00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:25,619
He's stalking her.
34
00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:28,374
I know, I've done this to women.
35
00:03:33,260 --> 00:03:34,932
I mean, I mean, I know...
36
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:37,938
...I watch a lot
of Eric Roberts' movies.
37
00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:41,818
Budkenstein, first of all...
38
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:46,019
...following your hand to bed
is not considered stalking.
39
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,256
And second of all,
stalkers don't invite you to the opera.
40
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:54,654
Look.
41
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,930
"L.A. Boom."
42
00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:01,291
That's La Bohme, you pincushion.
43
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:05,618
Mom, are you really letting Kelly go off
with a complete and total stranger?
44
00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:08,169
Look, Bud, I am a woman.
45
00:04:08,420 --> 00:04:12,299
And we felines have a way
of picking the right guy.
46
00:04:12,540 --> 00:04:15,418
That's why nobody has picked you.
47
00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:18,618
Now, trust me. I know a Mr. Right
when I see him.
48
00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:21,419
Kelly.
49
00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:25,699
- Stitch, what are you doing here?
- Kelly...
50
00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:30,538
...I fear the chrome on the ball hitch
of our love is flaking.
51
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:34,294
So tell me,
you seeing someone else?
52
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,489
Is there a Kelly Bundy here?
53
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:39,651
- I'm Kelly Bundy.
- I'm Kelly Bundy.
54
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,172
Thanks.
55
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:47,259
Just tell me, Kelly. I can take it.
Are you seeing someone else?
56
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,818
Look, Stitch, it's nothing personal.
57
00:04:51,020 --> 00:04:54,456
It's just that I found someone
who knows how to treat me like a lady.
58
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:59,490
Hey, when we go out to dinner
don't I let you talk in the clown's head?
59
00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:05,011
Listen, Stitch, what my daughter
is trying to say is that...
60
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:14,496
...she may not be ready
for a commitment just yet.
61
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:23,217
But don't take it personally.
Hey, I like you.
62
00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:27,009
If you'd be happy with a friendship,
instead of a relationship...
63
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,688
...you can come here
whenever you want to.
64
00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:47,335
I can't believe you guys are cleaning
for a total stranger.
65
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:50,773
Hey, you find some rich guy
who keeps us knee-deep in steaks...
66
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:52,811
...we'll clean for him too.
67
00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:57,295
Hey, Al, I think this thing is broken.
68
00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:03,448
Unlike many of your other devices...
69
00:06:03,660 --> 00:06:05,935
...that one doesn't need batteries.
70
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,092
See, you plug that in.
71
00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:13,492
But where?
72
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,813
Well, I could think
of some places, Peg.
73
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:23,289
That must be
Kelly's gentleman caller.
74
00:06:23,940 --> 00:06:26,215
Oh, Al, a limo.
75
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,058
Take me.
76
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,939
Come on. Peg, I just ate.
77
00:06:32,020 --> 00:06:34,215
He's here. He's here.
78
00:06:39,180 --> 00:06:41,296
I have never been
so nervous in my life.
79
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,491
I'm on the edge of my feet.
80
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:46,692
Kelly. Kelly.
I'm gonna try this one last time.
81
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:50,057
- Please think about what you're doing.
- Okay.
82
00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:52,933
I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
I'm doing.
83
00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:04,415
Hello, Miss Bundy.
My name is Robby Bennett.
84
00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,214
I believe you're accompanying me
to La Bohme.
85
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:14,974
- You're my secret admirer?
- That's right.
86
00:07:19,980 --> 00:07:24,337
Oh, you are one cool guy.
87
00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:34,739
Robby, my man.
Come on in, buddy. Have a seat.
88
00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:38,935
Can I get you a drink?
Yoo-hoo with a Bosco back?
89
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,416
A soda would be cool.
90
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:45,659
And for you, little missy,
shall I warm your ba-ba?
91
00:07:47,060 --> 00:07:49,813
Get away from me, demon seed.
92
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:51,894
Excuse me, Opie.
93
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:54,773
- Robby.
- Of course.
94
00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:56,533
Mom, Dad, what am I going to do?
95
00:07:56,740 --> 00:07:59,891
Well, charm him and conveniently
forget to sign the prenup.
96
00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:01,459
Mom?
97
00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:04,254
Well, he's kind of cute.
98
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,616
He's a fetus.
99
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,573
Here you go.
100
00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:20,415
Well, Robby,
just between you and me...
101
00:08:20,660 --> 00:08:22,571
...Kelly always did like
a man in uniform.
102
00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:26,574
So are you in the Cub Scouts
or Little League or anything?
103
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:28,811
Get over here, dung beetle.
104
00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:30,652
Now, what am I going to do?
105
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:35,257
Okay, just answer me three questions,
all right. One, how funny is this?
106
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,930
Two, who the man?
107
00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:41,777
And three, how funny is this?
108
00:08:47,780 --> 00:08:50,897
Somehow, some way,
I will get you for this.
109
00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:55,213
Robby, hi.
I think we need to talk.
110
00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:59,294
Isn't that cute, Al?
They want to be alone.
111
00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:07,176
Maybe we should go outside.
112
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:19,137
Kelly, before you say anything.
113
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:30,615
Would you excuse me
for just a second?
114
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,094
As I was saying...
115
00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:40,495
...you're the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
116
00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:43,658
And I'd like to take you
to my graduation dance.
117
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:45,452
Oh, Robby.
118
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:48,260
This is all very sweet
and everything...
119
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:51,975
...but, you see,
our love could never be.
120
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:56,577
I mean, it's a maturity thing.
I mean, what are you, like 3?
121
00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:58,853
Twelve and a half.
122
00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:01,176
Well, Robby, I can't date
a 12-year-old.
123
00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:04,730
I mean, sure, when I was 6,
but it's different now.
124
00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:07,617
- Do you understand?
- No.
125
00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:11,495
- I don't understand.
- Well, good, I'm gla-- What?
126
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:15,210
Do you think I gave you beef
and roses just to get blown off?
127
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,337
The Bennett family motto is:
128
00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:21,010
"We see it, we want it, we get it."
129
00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:27,380
Well, the Bundy family motto is:
130
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:31,619
"It sees us, insults us,
we kick its ass."
131
00:10:39,780 --> 00:10:42,214
Do you know who my dad is?
132
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,377
Sure. Your father.
133
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,214
Well, yeah.
134
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:51,652
But he also owns Bennett Enterprises,
which owns Easy-Off Jeans.
135
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:56,134
So here's the deal.
136
00:10:56,380 --> 00:10:59,531
You're on my arm at the prom
and you get the commercial.
137
00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:02,698
You turn me down
and I promise you...
138
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:05,619
...you'll never work
in this town again.
139
00:11:12,260 --> 00:11:13,409
Bud, you're my manager.
140
00:11:13,620 --> 00:11:15,531
You're supposed to be opening
doors for me.
141
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,334
Now, what am I paying you
55 percent for?
142
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,811
How was I supposed to know you were
gonna start saying no to men?
143
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,858
All right, so you dance with a guy
who comes up to your navel.
144
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:30,779
It'll prepare you for later on
in your showbiz career...
145
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:35,775
...when you're dancing
with Stallone or Cruise or k.d. lang.
146
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,692
Well, I guess you're right.
147
00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:43,977
I mean, it's obvious
that this kid has some power, so...
148
00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:46,171
...I might as well go
to the dance with him.
149
00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:48,894
- There you go.
- And what's the big deal, anyway?
150
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,330
Lots of starlets go out
with younger guys, right?
151
00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:55,613
Cher, Madonna, Liberace.
152
00:11:57,380 --> 00:11:59,132
I mean, it's just a junior prom.
153
00:11:59,340 --> 00:12:03,015
I can do this with my eyes closed
and my hands tied behind my back.
154
00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:06,172
That's sort of like
one of your real dates then, right?
155
00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,617
You're fired.
156
00:12:31,180 --> 00:12:33,933
Whoa, look what Robby brought.
157
00:12:37,860 --> 00:12:40,818
She's huge for a sixth-grader.
158
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:44,816
I heard her talking outside.
I think she just got held back.
159
00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:49,974
I bet you they're fake.
160
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:56,091
- Fun punch?
- Groin kick?
161
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,409
Okay, Robby,
this is how it's going to be.
162
00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:03,979
You have two hours.
163
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:07,013
No talking, no touching.
164
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,370
If you ever call me
your "main squeeze" again...
165
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,253
...you will not live to see
your face clear up.
166
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:15,057
Fine. I only have one rule.
167
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,376
You have to dance
every dance with me.
168
00:13:17,620 --> 00:13:19,895
- Then do I get the commercial?
- Deal.
169
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,453
And wait till you hear the DJ.
170
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:23,890
I found him in one of those hip-hop
dance clubs.
171
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:25,658
I hear he's slamming.
172
00:13:34,660 --> 00:13:37,936
Now, you don't mind
if I make a few adjustments...
173
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:40,051
...to your song list now, do you?
174
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:44,049
Hello, departing graduates
of Gale Sayers Middle School.
175
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:47,337
Hello, Principal Alburton.
176
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:49,417
Oh, Robby. Nice catch.
177
00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:58,337
And now, please welcome
tonight's happening rapping DJ...
178
00:13:58,540 --> 00:14:00,531
...Rockafella.
179
00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:10,969
Yo, yo, yo.
DJ Rockafella's in the house.
180
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,895
Hold the bus. I know that house.
181
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:18,815
Now, tonight, instead of the usual
phat beats and bass lines...
182
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:22,848
...I thought we'd slow it down a little
as a tribute to the Walrus of Love...
183
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:25,415
...Mr. Barry White.
184
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:35,177
Let's dance.
185
00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:39,857
- But this is a slow song.
- You said, every dance.
186
00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:51,259
DJ Rockafella's sending shouts-out
to all the players over there...
187
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,257
...and all the fly honeys over here.
188
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:56,094
But I'm giving mad props
to my boy Robby...
189
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,211
...and to his lady of the night.
190
00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:03,013
I mean, of tonight.
191
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:15,818
Bud, you've got to help me.
192
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:18,620
Hey, I would like to,
but you fired me.
193
00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:21,772
And I only took this gig
to make ends meet.
194
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:25,936
Okay, okay, you're unfired.
Now just get me out of this.
195
00:15:26,140 --> 00:15:28,529
- Play something fast.
- Okay.
196
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,498
But I want 80 percent.
197
00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:33,857
And I want a photo of you
and Robby together.
198
00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:35,814
Why?
199
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,488
In case someday I want 90 percent.
200
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:41,218
Okay, okay, just--
201
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:02,659
You know, Kelly,
I have a birthday party coming up...
202
00:16:02,860 --> 00:16:05,294
...and I bet you look pretty hot
in a swimsuit.
203
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,094
I think I just might keep you.
204
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:12,298
Look, Macaulay, this is America.
205
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:17,453
And nobody owns anybody
in America.
206
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:21,619
Except for maybe the guy
who is married to Anna Nicole Smith.
207
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,531
You certainly do not own me.
208
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:29,092
Well, then I guess you don't care
about your career.
209
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:33,214
Not if it means kissing
your little Power Ranger butt.
210
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:39,773
You know, I have a mind
to tell your father about this.
211
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:43,376
Go ahead. My father has
no control over me.
212
00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:48,370
I'm almost 13. I do and say
what I want, when I want.
213
00:16:48,620 --> 00:16:52,295
And now, boys and girls,
Principal Alburton.
214
00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:54,610
I'd like to introduce
a very special guest...
215
00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:59,291
...and the power behind King Robby,
his dad, Bennett J. Bennett.
216
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,811
Hello, son.
217
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,817
Hi, Dad.
218
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:10,770
- New tie?
- Yup.
219
00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:13,329
Same old belt though.
220
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:23,848
But we'll talk about that later.
221
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,939
Thanks for the phone call, homey.
222
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:31,372
- Word up.
- I owe you.
223
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:35,329
Hey, listen, Kelly gets that jeans gig
and we'll call it even.
224
00:17:35,580 --> 00:17:37,411
Done.
225
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:39,574
Let's go, son.
226
00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:42,892
Another time-out, Dad?
227
00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:46,815
Maybe. If the belt unravels.
228
00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:54,173
Hey, thank you, Bud.
229
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,173
Any time, Kel.
230
00:17:56,380 --> 00:17:59,099
Hope I didn't embarrass you
too much out there.
231
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:02,738
- It's okay.
- Really?
232
00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:04,891
Well, let's try this then.
233
00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:08,820
Now, boys and girls, I'd like to read
a little excerpt...
234
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,215
...from Queen Easy's royal diary.
235
00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:18,980
"November 43rd.
236
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:25,856
Today I developed a rather
embarrassing personal problem."
237
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,770
Won't you at least
have a pork chop, Bud?
238
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:35,540
No, I don't want any
of your tainted pork.
239
00:18:36,620 --> 00:18:40,374
Does no one but me worry
that Kelly's now dating Robby's dad?
240
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,331
The guy's 20 years older than her.
241
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,014
Are you never happy?
242
00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:04,419
Thank you for taking me
to Madame Butterfly, Bennett.
243
00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:08,289
It's kind of disappointing though.
I mean, there was no caterpillar...
244
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,172
...there was no cocoon...
245
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:13,895
...there was no struggle to break free
in the spring.
246
00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:16,335
God, you're beautiful.
247
00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:22,178
- Oh, Al, isn't this sweet?
- The sweetest.
248
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:26,688
Anyway, Kelly, I just want to say...
249
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:29,653
...that I've really fallen for you
these last few weeks.
250
00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:31,896
You're everything
I've ever wanted in a woman.
251
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:36,252
You're young and blonde and young.
252
00:19:38,380 --> 00:19:39,574
Will you marry me?
253
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:48,089
Would you excuse me
for just a minute?
254
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:53,208
Mom, how do you know
if someone is Mr. Right?
255
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:57,055
Well, when you're with him
do you hear bells?
256
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,858
No.
257
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:03,178
Oh, it doesn't matter.
He's rich, marry him anyway.
258
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:05,536
- Daddy, what do you think?
- Gary.
259
00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:08,015
Yeah. Al Bundy. Remember me?
260
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:11,292
I used to work for you
when we were poor.
261
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:14,494
Yeah, we're moving on up.
262
00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:19,417
That's right, to the east side.
263
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:28,375
Well, how about it, Kelly?
264
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:31,370
Will you be my wife?
265
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:34,931
- Well, I--
- Kelly.
266
00:20:36,420 --> 00:20:38,934
Something is still not right.
267
00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:43,215
I can't shake this feeling
that there's someone else.
268
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:48,692
But in case our love can never be...
269
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:50,777
...I wanted you to have this.
270
00:20:57,820 --> 00:21:01,779
Oh, Stitch, you are much man.
271
00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:08,132
I'm sorry, Bennett.
272
00:21:08,340 --> 00:21:13,095
But as the Chinese philosopher
Unconscious once said:
273
00:21:14,820 --> 00:21:17,971
"It is better to have loved and lost...
274
00:21:18,180 --> 00:21:21,377
...than to have never seen
Lost In Space at all."
275
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:33,018
Well, in seven years
she would have been 30.
276
00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:38,096
Think we should tell Dad?
277
00:21:38,420 --> 00:21:41,332
No, I mean, look at him.
278
00:21:41,620 --> 00:21:44,293
When will you ever see him
that happy again?1
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:26,674
Bud, have you ever
done this before?
2
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,480
What? You mean have sex?
3
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,716
Yeah. Hundreds of times.
4
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,958
Well, l mean, with someone.
5
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,315
Well, girls don't usually ask me that
until after the deed.
6
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:48,592
l'm sorry, l'm just a little nervous,
what with your parents right next door.
7
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,115
Look, Jamie...
8
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,237
...you see these locks?
9
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,552
l have never, ever been caught
doing anything with myself.
10
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,918
Look, no one can possibly
disturb us.
11
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:08,996
l guess l'm just being paranoid.
And the truth is, l do want you.
12
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,037
Badly.
13
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,516
Then that is how you shall have me.
14
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,876
Hi, son.
15
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,556
Don't mind me.
Just keep on doing what you're doing.
16
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,034
l can't find my Big 'Uns.
17
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,720
You haven't seen any Big' Uns
have you, son?
18
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,039
No, Dad.
19
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,869
And, obviously, l won't be seeing
these "'Uns," either.
20
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,029
Yeah. See, it's a special edition:
Big 'Uns Behind Bars...
21
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,596
...and, in my humble opinion,
best damn magazine ever published.
22
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,835
Why would l need that kind of stuff?
You know l slay the babes.
23
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,196
Yeah, l see that.
24
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,233
Here it is. My Big 'Uns.
25
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,591
" Chain gang."
26
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,759
So...
27
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,113
...where were we?
28
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,750
l was just buttoning up my cut-offs
and saying goodbye...
29
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,791
...until you got your own place.
30
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,679
Jamie, Jamie, no, no. Listen, listen.
31
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,798
Listen, the reason
l'm living at home...
32
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,795
...is to help out with dad.
33
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,871
See...
34
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,429
...he hasn't been himself...
35
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,796
...well, since Desert Storm.
36
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,750
He was there?
37
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,718
No...
38
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,713
...but he watched
the whole thing on CNN.
39
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,358
l am so sorry.
40
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,470
Take me now.
41
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,188
Bud, have you seen my red bra?
42
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,749
We got the stuff out of your son's room.
Where do you want to move this junk?
43
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,076
Don't know, don't care.
44
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,276
The boy said he'd have
an apartment by 6:00.
45
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:29,190
So, in the words of his loving mother,
" Keep moving until l tell you to stop."
46
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:33,399
Or, in the words of my loving husband,
"The sooner it's out of here the better."
47
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,879
Al, l can't believe our baby boy
is finally moving.
48
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,156
Baby boy, Peg?
49
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,472
He's older than you tell people
you are.
50
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,678
l was very young when l got married.
51
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,195
And l was very drunk.
52
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,719
So where's the cool guy who is ready
to leave home and bag some babes?
53
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,792
Right here.
54
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,475
Please, you can't even bag
your own wife.
55
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:14,358
l can bag her, but it doesn't do me any
good, l remember what she looks like.
56
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,038
Marcie, fruit.
57
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,078
Peggy, this basket
is a gift for Bud.
58
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,913
lt's very thoughtful.
59
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,157
But l'm sure he wouldn't want it
if l touched it.
60
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,073
Or coughed on it.
61
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,790
Or throw dirt all over it.
62
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:47,034
Gee, l can't imagine
why Bud would ever want to leave here.
63
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,596
But, God, l do remember
my first apartment.
64
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,274
My roommate and l were both single.
65
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,836
Bursting with ripe,
flowering womanhood.
66
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:02,949
The sexual revolution was in full swing,
and we were a-happening.
67
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,313
l bet you were having sex
all the time.
68
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,278
No.
69
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,593
That cheap slut of a roommate
stole all my boyfriends.
70
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,308
l've never forgiven Mom for that.
71
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:24,189
Well, let me tell you a little bit about
my own swinging bachelor pad.
72
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,591
Mirror ball on the ceiling,
waterbed on the floor...
73
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,837
...fake medical degrees on the wall.
74
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,398
God, l have fun at that place.
75
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,959
Have?
76
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,079
Jefferson, you don't still own
that place, do you?
77
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:52,231
No. And it's not where l go Thursdays
when l say l'm playing racquetball.
78
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,509
Hey, you guys,
here comes Bud across the lawn.
79
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,990
Everybody get down, be quiet.
80
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,073
l think it'd make him feel good
if we all yelled, "Surprise."
81
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,316
Forget that.
We are gonna yell, "Get out!"
82
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,631
Get out!
83
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:09,594
What?
84
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,637
Yeah. Turn in your key.
All your stuff is in the street.
85
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,957
Here is a lovely fruit basket
from your mother and father.
86
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,114
Hold on to your filthy grapes, Dad.
87
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,396
l couldn't find an apartment
l could afford.
88
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,719
You know, son, the best way to ruin
a heartfelt goodbye party...
89
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,309
...is to stay where
you're not wanted.
90
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,791
Now, we bought you a lovely cake.
91
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,190
The least you could do is get out.
92
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,917
The most you can do
is take your mother with you.
93
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,551
Al, you cannot just throw him out
in the cold.
94
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,518
No, no, no. Dad's right.
95
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,832
He deserves to be " Menendez-ed"
but he's right.
96
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,629
No, l can't go on living upstairs.
97
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,996
l guess l'll just go find
a box somewhere.
98
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,037
Fine.
99
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,674
Oh, Bud, don't be so down.
100
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,037
Listen, l have the perfect place
for you to move into.
101
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:12,115
lt's lonely, it's grungy,
it's creepy, it's you.
102
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,918
The basement.
103
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:16,954
Kelly...
104
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,037
...you may have
just hit on something.
105
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,714
And for once it's not a married man.
106
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,350
The basement. Lots of cool guys
live in the basement, right?
107
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,397
Yeah, the coolest.
108
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:33,077
Uncle Fester. Cousin ltt.
109
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,313
That silly guy with the butterflies
from Silence of the Lambs.
110
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,030
lt's gonna be the coolest pad
in town.
111
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:44,159
lt's gonna be the Mecca of chick-dom,
the North Pole of nookie.
112
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,630
l'm gonna put in new carpets,
new lights-
113
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:50,395
-New third step.
-Oh, my God!
114
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:58,238
So, Peggy, what are you gonna do
with Bud's old room?
115
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,835
Well, you know,
l've always wanted someplace...
116
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,996
...l could just stretch out
and do nothing.
117
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,399
Well, get in the car.
l'll take you to the morgue.
118
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,598
Come on, Al. You should be proud...
119
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,189
...that your son is moving out
and becoming a man.
120
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,750
My son is burrowing down
and becoming a mole.
121
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,231
Besides, as bad as this is, you know
something worse is gonna happen.
122
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,671
Don't you know that all horrible things
happen in threes?
123
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,512
Celebrity deaths.
124
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,910
Pauly Shore movies.
125
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,230
Wilson Phillips.
126
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,633
And, in my own case, marrying Peg.
127
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,475
Bud not moving out.
And three, two, one:
128
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,075
Al, something horrible
has happened.
129
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,470
The hell you say.
130
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,117
That was Dad.
He and Mom had this big fight.
131
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,158
And now Mom left
and he can't find her.
132
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,755
Did he look behind the Rockies?
133
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,958
Excuse me, oink-boy.
134
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,871
But aren't you concerned about your
mother-in-law's whereabouts?
135
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,908
l know where the blubbering beast
doth blow.
136
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,398
Where?
137
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:29,150
Margaret, open the door!
lt's your mother, and l'm hungry!
138
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:46,917
You know, Peg, l hate it
when your mom weebles down here...
139
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:52,310
...for her little midnight snacks
which last till 9 in the morning.
140
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,513
Mom does not eat between meals.
141
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,955
No, Peg. Because in order to eat
between meals...
142
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,958
...the first meal has to end.
143
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,800
Al, don't you know how traumatic
this is for me?
144
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,508
l now come from a broken home.
145
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,398
As do l.
146
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,788
Give Mom a break, she's distraught.
147
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,429
She is humongous.
148
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,597
l'm just retaining water.
149
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,718
The Hoover Dam is retaining water.
150
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,475
She is retaining Skittles.
151
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,712
Did someone say Skittles?
152
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,117
Al, l don't wanna come
from a broken home.
153
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,909
Mom said she'd take Dad back
if he'd come here and apologize.
154
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:40,393
Please, go to Wanker County
and bring my daddy home. Please.
155
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,108
Peg, you know l hate going to
Wanker County.
156
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,999
l could end up as pie filling.
157
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,471
Did someone say pie filling?
158
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,315
On the other hand,
same could happen upstairs.
159
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:53,999
Okay, l'll go, Peg.
160
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,070
You know what, Bud?
l've gotta hand it to you...
161
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,555
...your new room looks pretty good.
162
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,069
When Jamie gets here,
she'll wanna sleep with me?
163
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,799
Well, no.
164
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,396
l said your room looks good.
You still look like you.
165
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:15,073
Kelly, could you help me
give grandma a pedicure?
166
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,112
Sure, Mom.
167
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,716
What's the point? lt's not like grandma
can even see her feet.
168
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,990
Bud, what was so important
that l had to drop everything-
169
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,589
Which happened to be my
baby brother.
170
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,950
and rush right over here?
171
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,475
l did it, l found a new place...
172
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,838
...and l was hoping you and l could
christen it, if you know what l mean.
173
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,875
Bud, that sounds great.
174
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:06,073
l hope it's by the lake. l used to date
this guy that lived by the lake...
175
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,550
...and every time l went through
the front door...
176
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:14,636
...all l wanted to do is rip off
my clothes and make love.
177
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,594
So where is your place?
178
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,756
lt's by the lake.
179
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,196
Let's go.
180
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,273
We can't.
181
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:32,029
The bidet, it's not firing properly.
182
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,476
But l have an equally romantic
suggestion.
183
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:37,994
Let's do it right here?
184
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,151
You're such a kidder.
185
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,158
Call me when your place is ready.
186
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,632
Hey, Efrum, how much do you want
for this here reading lamp?
187
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,876
That ain't no reading lamp, Twitchy.
188
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,237
That is my wife's old eating lamp.
189
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,599
She used to use it at night
while l was asleep.
190
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,549
l'd be counting sheep
and she'd be eating them.
191
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,189
Okay, how much do you want
for this here eating lamp?
192
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,668
lt ain't for sale.
193
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,475
lt's my wife's, and l miss her.
Give it to me.
194
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,038
No, no. Please, no.
195
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,755
Who the hell would put a bear trap
in an outhouse?
196
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:40,193
They wouldn't. lt isn't no bear trap.
That's a human trap.
197
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,078
Why would you want
to trap a human?
198
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,670
l don't know, ask the bears.
They was the ones who put it in there.
199
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,470
Can you get it off me, Efrum?
200
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,599
The bear trap or that tarantula
you got there on your neck?
201
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,229
That works every time, don't it?
202
00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:01,558
So, Al, what do you hear
from my bigger half?
203
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,313
Plenty.
204
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,312
She's moved in with me.
205
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,475
Well, l might have known.
206
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,110
She always thought
you were hot stuff.
207
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,717
Mr. City-Slicker, with your shoes.
208
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,631
Efrum, l'm not dating her.
209
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,996
No, l'm caging her.
210
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,158
Hey, Efrum, how much do you want
for that wading pool?
211
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,960
That ain't no wading pool.
212
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,272
That's my little darling's shower cap.
213
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,471
lt isn't for sale, you son-of-an-onion.
214
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,154
Efrum, if you're not selling anything
of your wife's...
215
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,233
...what the hell are you having
a divorce sale for?
216
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,870
Well, because l'm lonely.
217
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,271
And my psychotherapist told me
that either l should try this...
218
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:02,951
...or get up on that water tower
and start picking off cousins.
219
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,118
You know, Efrum...
220
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,036
...it's my impression that, A, you've got
some serious toxins in your well water.
221
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,317
Or, B, you still miss the wife.
222
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:21,839
Well, A, l don't drink nothing
but sour mash and Robitussin.
223
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,911
And, B...
224
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,229
...when it does wear off,
l do kind of miss her.
225
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,955
Of course, l don't cough no more.
226
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,030
There is still light
at the end of the tunnel.
227
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,999
She swallow a comet again?
228
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,515
No, she misses you
and she wants you back.
229
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,438
All you gotta do is say you're sorry.
230
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,712
l'm sorry.
231
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,553
Not to me, you corn nut.
232
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,351
To her. You just come on back
with me, say you're sorry...
233
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,950
...she'll take you back and
l'll even throw in a pair of my shoes.
234
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:04,792
-Show me how they work too?
-Sure.
235
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,712
What are we waiting for? Let's go.
236
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,036
Efrum, hang on there a second.
237
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,430
You know, you're a braver man
than l am.
238
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:16,390
lf my wife left me, l'd be dancing on
the deck of the good ship hooter-pop.
239
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,630
With a smile on my face
and my face on a smile.
240
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,874
God, the times that l've had.
But you know...
241
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,157
...in a strange way,
l have to respect your loyalty.
242
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,510
lt's not every man
who would stand by a woman...
243
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,518
...who is large enough
to have her own fire escape.
244
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,470
No, Efrum,
l've gotta hand it to you...
245
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,798
...you're gone.
246
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,070
Efrum, get back here,
you son-of-an-onion.
247
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,508
Bear trap.
248
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,156
Hi, Peg, l'm back. Good night.
249
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,828
Al, where's Dad?
250
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,755
He's not coming, Peg.
251
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,754
-Good night.
-Hey, what happened?
252
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:09,232
Peg, he was all set to come back...
253
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,115
...and then, somehow or another,
someone- l'm not saying who.
254
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,596
-said something
about good ship hooter-pop.
255
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,395
Before you know it,
a 70-year-old hillbilly...
256
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,636
...was popping wheelies
on a thresher...
257
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,798
...and saying how he'd never
marry a family member again.
258
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,433
This is all your fault.
259
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,148
You have ruined
a perfectly happy marriage.
260
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,073
Yet, l remain
in a perfectly dreadful one.
261
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,477
lf you men only knew what we do
to keep a marriage alive.
262
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,553
Watching Oprah all day so that
we have something interesting...
263
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,230
...to talk to you about.
Dressing like this to keep you excited.
264
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,313
Taking beauty naps
to reverse the aging process...
265
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,758
...and spending all your money
so you feel like a good provider.
266
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,240
That is how l sacrifice
for you, Al Bundy.
267
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,950
lt is a thankless, exhausting job,
but l do it...
268
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:08,516
...and the only thing l ask in return
is that you bring Dad back here...
269
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:09,994
...and you failed.
270
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,639
You know what this means?
271
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,111
No, Peg. Not sex now, Peg.
272
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,754
No, Peg. Peg, no.
273
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,919
Peg, please, l just need
a little more time. l'll find him.
274
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,435
l want you to help me
give Mom a sitz bath.
275
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,389
Can't we have sex instead?
276
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,678
-Later. Right now Mom needs her bath.
-Okay.
277
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:49,676
-Would you ever leave me, Al Bundy?
-First chance l get, Peg.
278
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,710
Fine. Then you can scrub her front.
279
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:05,154
Can't you just feel the mist
from the lake?
280
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,233
Can l take this off now?
281
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:15,908
Allow me.
282
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:19,157
l meant my blindfold, you horn-dog.
283
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,631
Not yet. lt will spoil the surprise.
284
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:28,876
Okay, now we're in the lobby walking
past my trusted doorman, Rodney.
285
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,554
Rodney, this is Jamie.
286
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:36,598
Rodney, you lout. Take that.
287
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,312
Sorry, Lord Bundy.
288
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:46,911
Okay, now we're getting
into the elevator here.
289
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,879
Bud, it doesn't feel like it's going up.
290
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,997
Oh, it is.
291
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,596
So, what do you think?
292
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,073
l think you did a great job
fixing up your parent's basement.
293
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,198
When did you know?
294
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,596
When you put the blindfold on me,
sat in the driveway, and went...
295
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,716
...for 20 minutes.
296
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,912
But l think what you did
was very sweet...
297
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:40,073
...and to tell you the truth,
it turns me on.
298
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,997
And it is private.
299
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:47,028
So as they say at the lakefront,
let's do the wiggly.
300
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,194
Everybody duck and cover,
grandma got out of the tub...
301
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,510
...she's about to shake herself dry.
302
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,959
There she blows.1
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,958
Mom, turn off Oprah for a second.
l need to talk to you.
2
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,272
Mom.
3
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,478
-Girlfriend.
-ln the house.
4
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,636
You're not Oprah.
5
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,916
Mom, l had a horrible day.
6
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,116
l could really use
some motherly advice now.
7
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,316
Shut up, Bud.
8
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:47,234
Oprah is doing a show on mothers
who don't pay attention to their sons.
9
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,511
Next, a word from Earth Pads...
10
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:56,153
... the only feminine-hygiene product
recycled from yesterday's garbage.
11
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,429
-Now can we talk, Mom?
-Oh, okay.
12
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:02,914
But make it quick.
13
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,351
When Oprah comes back on,
l wanna be rested.
14
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,635
l was working at
the Department of Vehicle Services.
15
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,831
l noticed this long line
for new licences.
16
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,032
When l opened up a second window,
my supervisor comes up and says:
17
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,518
"Son, l see you're a real go-getter.
We hate that here. You're fired."
18
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,552
l need your help getting a new job.
19
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:28,590
Oh, look, Stouffer's has a new
Apple Brown Betty.
20
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,670
l can't expect you
to pay any attention to me...
21
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,713
...since l don't have an antenna
coming out of my ass.
22
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,509
Peg, l need to talk to you.
23
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,839
Peg.
24
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,197
-Girlfriend.
-ln the house.
25
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,555
Like you'd be anywhere else.
26
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:21,312
Hey. What'd you do?
27
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,593
What is that thing?
28
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,515
lt's a remote-control override, Peg.
29
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,272
They're on sale
at the Real Man Shop.
30
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,191
Well, while you were there,
why didn't you pick up a real man?
31
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:41,468
Don't push it, Peg.
32
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:46,555
lt also overrides all your other
hand-held electronic devices.
33
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,718
Even Otis?
34
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,755
Especially Otis.
35
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,595
Now, listen, Peg, the store next to me
at the mall has gone out of business...
36
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,870
...and Gary wants to rent
the empty space.
37
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,917
Al, is this gonna take long?
38
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,436
You know how l hate it
when the TV set cools.
39
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,556
Now you know how l feel during sex.
40
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:13,116
Anyway, Peg, Gary's having a contest
for the best new-store idea.
41
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,032
lt's open to all the employees.
42
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,192
That's me and Griff.
43
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,831
But if l can just think of an idea,
there's a cool $10 in it for me.
44
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,391
Al, l happen to have an incredible idea
for a store.
45
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:35,030
Peg, this isn't gonna be really,
really stupid, is it?
46
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,916
No, it's not.
47
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,357
lt's an all-Oprah store.
48
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,991
l call it the Grand Old Oprah.
49
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:52,194
You know, we'll sell Oprah T-shirts,
Oprah corn holders...
50
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,034
...Oprah minivan covers...
51
00:04:55,280 --> 00:05:00,479
...and, Al, my very favourite,
Oprah Soap on a " Roprah."
52
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,079
Gee, and l thought
it was gonna be stupid.
53
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,398
Well...
54
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,797
...l'm back from aerobics class.
55
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,715
Although, you know, l didn't really feel
the burn until the bus ride home.
56
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,229
Almost every man on the bus
offered me his seat...
57
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,910
...although nobody was willing
to stand up to let me have it.
58
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,599
Oh, and then
this delightful turban-clad chap-
59
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:33,554
We'll just call him
Man of a Thousand Boils.
60
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,360
-asked me if l wanted to rub
his magic lamp...
61
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,755
...and see a genie come out.
62
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,553
There was no genie.
63
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,154
God, l wish that there was
an aerobics studio near here.
64
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:53,588
Pumpkin, would you be quiet?
65
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,519
l'm trying to think of an idea
for a business near here.
66
00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,275
All of my beautiful friends wish that
there was just a good gym in the area.
67
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:05,196
Something in the area
that caters to beautiful women.
68
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,911
l mean, let's face it, there is
no good place for an aerobics studio.
69
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,388
Let's face it...
70
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,677
...l'm not gonna be able
to think of an idea for a business.
71
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,750
Nobody around here
has been eating lead-paint chips.
72
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,677
Al, you should've been here
two hours ago.
73
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,434
-Why? What happened?
-We opened.
74
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,791
While you were
wasting your time opening...
75
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:34,272
...l came up with a ripsnorting idea
for Gary's new-store contest.
76
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,910
What would be better
right next door...
77
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,310
...than an aerobics studio?
78
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,438
-A topless aerobics studio?
-No, no.
79
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,309
Don't be a pig, Griff. This is serious.
80
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:50,473
We can finally get rid of this facade
of working and sit around all day...
81
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,478
...looking at beautiful girls in spandex
doing lunges.
82
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,069
-With a honk, honk here
-And a honk, honk there
83
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:57,639
-Here a honk
-There a honk
84
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,035
-Everywhere a honk, honk
-Everywhere a honk, honk
85
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,274
Come on, Al.
You know Gary won't go for that.
86
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,751
Whenever you make a suggestion,
she does exactly the opposite.
87
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:13,989
l hear you, l hear you.
88
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,237
So when l bring this up to her,
l gotta be very clever.
89
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,953
Bundy.
90
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,998
What's your big idea
for the new store?
91
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,073
l'm in a hurry
and l'm bloating like a bandit.
92
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,192
Now, l'm only going to say this once.
93
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,758
Anything but an aerobics studio.
94
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:44,632
You called me down here to suggest
anything but an aerobics studio?
95
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,111
lndeedy do. What do you say?
96
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:53,354
l'd say "You're fired" if l weren't sure
you'd make more on unemployment.
97
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,071
Look, Gary, l have an idea...
98
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,635
...and l think it's exactly
what you're looking for.
99
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,515
Here it is: anything but Al's idea.
100
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,069
So you're saying an aerobics studio?
101
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,550
-lndeedy do.
-l love it.
102
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,712
Congratulations, you won the prize.
Here's $10.
103
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,313
Hey, don't l get anything?
104
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,997
Yeah, here's $5.
Go get me some Earth Pads.
105
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,313
-There you go.
-Oh, nice, nice.
106
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:30,312
-Gentlemen, l'd like to propose a toast.
-Hear, hear.
107
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,633
ln the course of human history,
there have been four great inventions:
108
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,233
-The bikini.
-Yes.
109
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,675
The thong bikini.
110
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,036
The really itchy thong bikini.
111
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,832
And Al's idea to put an aerobics studio
next to the shoe store.
112
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,268
-Hear, hear.
-Speech. Speech.
113
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,199
-Speech.
-Speech.
114
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,556
lf l have seen far...
115
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,509
...it's because l have stood
on the shoulders of giants.
116
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:04,356
Einstein, Magellan, Heineken.
117
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:11,310
lt is my goal
to uplift the human spirit.
118
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,398
Gentlemen, to your holes.
119
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,669
Oh, man,
we're gonna see some jiggling!
120
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,312
Oh, my God, l'm blind.
121
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,196
They're all fat.
Have they no shame?
122
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,877
Well, Al, this was your idea.
Now what do we do?
123
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,157
Well, we'll just patch up the holes.
124
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:57,871
Oh, man. Move it, big mama.
125
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,680
-Baby's got backs.
-Hey.
126
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,440
Hey. Hey. Get over there.
127
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,792
Now, like l was saying,
if you can't see them...
128
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,871
...how much trouble
can fat women be?
129
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,759
Okay, girls, do the Dumbo drop.
130
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:43,312
l don't understand it.
l was a size 6 before aerobics class.
131
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:47,155
All that jumping
must've expanded my foot.
132
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,758
Then l see you must've fallen
on your butt a time or two.
133
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,274
How dare you say that to my face?
134
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,712
Well, l'd say it behind your back, but
my car's only got half a tank of gas.
135
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:07,433
-What'd l say?
-Maybe it was more your tone of voice.
136
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,398
Well, who wouldn't be grumpy?
137
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,672
The aerobics studio is the worst thing
that could've happened to us.
138
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,509
That was my last Sweet Tart.
Cough it up!
139
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,559
No, that's the worst thing
that could've happened to us.
140
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:21,715
-Hi, Al.
-No.
141
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,718
That's the worst thing
that could've happened to us.
142
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,955
Jefferson told me
that it was your idea...
143
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,948
...to put in a metabolically challenged
aerobics studio next door.
144
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,509
-l am so proud of you.
-Here it comes.
145
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:39,988
So to help you out...
146
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,749
...l have made up these fliers
advertising Gary's Aerobics Studio...
147
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:48,795
...and l've given them to all of
my full-figured banking customers.
148
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,589
You know, they're gonna get
really hot and sweaty...
149
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,718
...and they're gonna come in here
to buy aerobics shoes.
150
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,837
And remember, shoe man...
151
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,153
...women that large have
a really tough time finding underwear.
152
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,559
Marcie, why are you
doing this to us?
153
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,273
Because l don't like either of you.
154
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,595
Oh, look, there's two of my gals now.
Hi, Rebecca, Arlene.
155
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,917
You look fabulous.
156
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,270
Thanks for your tips
about the aerobics classes.
157
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,637
Yeah, l mean,
l really think l'm starting to tone.
158
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,917
Me too. Corn dog?
159
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,796
Didn't they tell us
not to eat before class?
160
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,150
That was during class.
161
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,999
Well, all right, then.
162
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,348
Well, l'm off.
163
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,036
l've got to leave these fliers
in der Wienerschnitzels...
164
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,869
...and finer girdle shops
all over town.
165
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,830
Not the StairMaster, Bertha.
166
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,157
Anything but the StairMaster.
167
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,677
Well, guess what l'm doing
for money now.
168
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,798
Playing the very young Mr. Lincoln?
169
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,832
No. But then at least l could
look forward to being shot in the head.
170
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,194
No, what you're looking at
is an apprentice chimney sweep.
171
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,795
l'm a regular one,
but they call me an apprentice...
172
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,309
...so they don't have to pay
my health benefits.
173
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,350
Oh, Dad, this is the worst job
l've ever had.
174
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,879
Can you please help me?
175
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,710
Well, like my father used to say
when l came to him with my problems-
176
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,234
"Get out"?
177
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,991
No, actually, it was, " l'm leaving you
and your mom for this hooker."
178
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,952
But now that you mention it-
179
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,192
Al, guess what's under the sheets.
180
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:16,797
Peg, if l don't like that game in bed,
why would l like it under the lights?
181
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,835
No, speedy.
182
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,955
lt's a scale model of Oprah Land.
183
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,070
See? The tongue
is a moving sidewalk...
184
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,471
...which carries people
into her mouth.
185
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,156
Like so many
unsuspecting McNuggets.
186
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,836
Now, once inside
her climate-controlled head...
187
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:52,437
...a moving Barcalounger whisks you
past animatronic Oprahs...
188
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,558
...in all her different weights.
189
00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,475
l call it " lt's a Big World After All."
190
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:05,154
Then, after a light lunch
of waffles and gravy...
191
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:09,075
...you disembark, tell a studio audience
your innermost secrets...
192
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,790
...and snarf down
a whole fried chicken.
193
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,270
Amazing. All this detail,
yet when l ask you for a sandwich...
194
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:23,029
...you can't figure out
bread, meat, bread.
195
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:29,437
Big talk from someone who's yet to get
lift, pee, flush.
196
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:40,393
You leave that head here,
l'll show you lift, pee, flush.
197
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:49,190
Well, ready for my bus ride
to aerobics class.
198
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,556
This here is my pinch-proof padding.
199
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,518
Oh, pumpkin.
200
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,590
Honey, l've gotta ask you some-
201
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:03,073
With a high-voltage
anti-fondling device.
202
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:04,753
-Turn it off.
-What?
203
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,752
Turn it off.
204
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,553
l can't understand you, Daddy.
l'm gonna have to turn this thing off.
205
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,751
Well, serves me right
for touching a family member.
206
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,990
Pumpkin, why do so many
beautiful women...
207
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,794
...travel so far
to go to your aerobics studio?
208
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,357
Two words:
209
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,238
Ramon.
210
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,515
He is a prince.
He's actually more than a prince.
211
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:49,231
He's an aerobics teacher
formerly known as prince.
212
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,391
Come with me.
l'm gonna drive over there.
213
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,433
l wanna see
if Ramon will change affiliations.
214
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,558
l think he's kind of happy
with women, Daddy.
215
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,356
Well, that makes one of us.
216
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:15,710
God, look at all this mondo talent
and all these micro bikinis.
217
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,714
All l ask
is for just one seam to burst.
218
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,193
-Hey, Ramon.
-Hey, Kelly.
219
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,237
Who's your daddy?
220
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,230
Oh, this isn't my daddy,
this is my father.
221
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,715
Daddy, meet Ramon.
222
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,757
Kelly, why don't you
warm up the class?
223
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,871
Should we stretch or run in place?
224
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,117
No, just show them one of those
big posters of me in Speedos.
225
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,112
Oh, okay.
226
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,716
Your daughter
is making remarkable progress.
227
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,111
Tell her mother.
l'm here for something important.
228
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,673
l just can't remember what it is.
229
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,114
-Fat-free muffin?
-You certainly are.
230
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,272
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
231
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:09,399
-That was delicious.
-Sure.
232
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,114
Ramon, if it wouldn't be
too much trouble...
233
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,515
...could we talk in private?
234
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,272
There's this
state-of-the-art aerobics studio...
235
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,478
...and we'd be very, very happy
if you would teach there.
236
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,234
Actually, l'm very comfortable here.
237
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,835
What do you have
that could possibly lure me away?
238
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,833
l'm offering a free membership
to NO MA'AM...
239
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,958
...Chicago's most exclusive
men's club.
240
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,079
With the membership comes-
Hold on to your green card.
241
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,315
luxury boxes at WrestleMania...
242
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,348
...free use of a classic Dodge,
when it's working...
243
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,788
...and a key to the Big 'Uns
reading room in my garage...
244
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,117
...when we get the bowl unclogged.
245
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,518
Well, Mr. Bundy,
as tempting as your offer sounds...
246
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,589
Yeah, you've said a mouthful.
247
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,708
Well, l'll be going.
248
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:19,159
Don't bother to get the elevator.
l'll just jump out the window.
249
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,038
Don't land on the Porsche.
250
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,991
What does he got that l don't have?
251
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,879
We're both virile men
in the prime of our lives.
252
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,116
Except he's not saddled
with a lazy wife...
253
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,356
...worthless kids,
a prostate like a melon...
254
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,916
...and worst of all,
l sell women's shoes.
255
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,477
Shoes? You sell shoes?
256
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,998
-Yeah, right next to an aerobics studio.
-Did you hear that, Ramon?
257
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:44,719
He sells shoes.
258
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,918
There's not a shoe store
within miles of here.
259
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,870
Yeah, you never buy us shoes.
260
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,754
Do l not leave the curtain open
when l change?
261
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,276
That's not shoes. We want shoes.
262
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:02,396
We wanna work out
next to the shoe guy.
263
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,951
Formerly known as Al.
264
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:09,751
Oh, and by the way, l was just joshing
about that melon thing.
265
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,236
-We're getting shoes.
-Shoes.
266
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,192
Shoes.
267
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,914
Okay. Okay, Bundy, you got me.
268
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,994
You shoe salesmen, you're so lucky.
You get all the women.
269
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,835
Luck has nothing
to do with it, Ramon.
270
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,758
You see, since the dawn of time...
271
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:31,829
...women and shoes have gone together
like alcohol and firearms.
272
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,993
Oh, sure, we men of the foot
might have a slight PR problem...
273
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,869
...but once you've tried shoe,
you never go back.
274
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,348
Who loves you, baby?
275
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,951
Whoa, wait a minute, now.
276
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,831
Gentlemen, would you prefer
a front or rear view?
277
00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,799
What do you recommend?
278
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,239
Well, the rear view is fresh tonight...
279
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,755
...but the locals swear by
the front, so...
280
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,275
Two fronts, please.
281
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,070
Front it is.
282
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,280
-Hey, great work, Griff.
-Thank you.
283
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,313
-The place looks swank.
-Yeah, but we're not finished.
284
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,632
Next week, we put in zoom peepholes
and chin rests.
285
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,955
-Yes.
-Now you're talking.
286
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,510
Gentlemen, to your holes.
287
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,275
-Oh, man.
-Coming through.
288
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,951
Oh, man, Al, are you checking out
that one in red?
289
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,915
Actually, no.
290
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,196
Could someone roll me to a hole?
291
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,429
Oh, sure, buddy.
292
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,908
Oh, this is much better.1
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,951
lt was a lovely funeral, Peggy.
l'm sure Buck would have been proud.
2
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,112
l know. l just can't believe he's gone.
3
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,796
You know, it seems like only yesterday
he was chewing up the furniture...
4
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,831
...and peeing on the floor.
5
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,476
That was yesterday.
6
00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:00,433
Your father seems to be taking it
especially hard.
7
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,557
Poor guy.
8
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,557
Twelve hundred bucks for a funeral.
9
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,158
They buried King Tut for less...
10
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,473
...and he got to take his wives
with him.
11
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,674
l cannot believe
how cheap you are, Al.
12
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,509
l mean, Buck was more than family.
He was someone we loved.
13
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,509
That may well be, Peg,
but at $1200 for a 70-pound-dog...
14
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,792
...do you realize how expensive
your mom's gonna be?
15
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,273
l'd say bury her at sea
but then we'd have one less sea.
16
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,193
All right, Al, you can say
what you want about Mom-
17
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:42,753
Okay. She's a great big pile of-
18
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,518
but...
19
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,795
...l want you to be careful what you say
about Buck around Kelly.
20
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,752
She was closer to him
than any of us...
21
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,679
...and she's gonna need
some extra love and attention.
22
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:56,433
Sorry l'm late.
23
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,513
l stopped over at Hallmark
to see if l could get a nice...
24
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,832
..."Thanks for leaving me
at the pet cemetery" card.
25
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,108
Naturally they were all sold out,
so l'm gonna make up my own.
26
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:13,037
What rhymes with " May you all heave
and gag on your own chunks"?
27
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:19,674
Well, let's see.
There's punks, drunks, hunks.
28
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,633
So how did you get home, Kel?
29
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:26,078
Oh, l got a ride from lgor,
the guy who drives the doggy hearse.
30
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,835
You know, the one that Dad was too
cheap to spend the extra 40 bucks on?
31
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,197
There's nothing wrong with the trunk
of the Dodge.
32
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,717
Buck always liked
going for a nice ride in the car...
33
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,876
...and he looked so peaceful...
34
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,998
...with his head propped up
on the spare tire.
35
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:45,998
So how are you feeling, Kelly?
36
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,674
Oh, l'm better, l guess.
37
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,077
l think l'm over Buck's death now
and l'm ready to get on with my life.
38
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,880
Attagirl, pumpkin.
39
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,633
l admire your courage.
40
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,952
Now help me clean up the yard
and we'll burn Buck's old toys.
41
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,712
And to think, l could have had
any man on the football team.
42
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,829
Peg, you've had them all.
43
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,629
Now, pumpkin.
Now, you know that l loved Buck...
44
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,354
...more than l love anyone
in this room.
45
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,278
Way, way more than some.
46
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,239
But, sweetheart,
let's not dwell on sad things.
47
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,950
Daddy, what do you think
Buck's doing right now?
48
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,910
Well, gee, l don't know, sweetheart.
49
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,270
He should still be dead,
shouldn't he?
50
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,031
Oh, Buck.
51
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,589
Buck, where for art thou, Bucky-o?
52
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,792
Where? Where?
53
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,798
Well, I'll be damned.
54
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,679
I really can see my house from here.
55
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,036
Bundy? Bundy?
56
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:11,113
Buck Bundy?
57
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:19,393
-That's me.
-l'm Thomas, your guide.
58
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:21,754
Where exactly am I?
59
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,639
You're where animals go
when they die.
60
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,519
I'm in Oprah's refrigerator?
61
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,038
No, Buck,
you're in the animal afterlife.
62
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,032
Well, then what are you doing here?
63
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,430
Computer error.
64
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,675
l was the mascot
for a baseball team...
65
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,195
...the Cleveland Chickens.
66
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,192
l had this really great bit...
67
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,552
...where l'd find some guy
bald as an egg and sit on his head.
68
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,518
A scream, l tell you.
69
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,231
Until one day l met a bald guy
who was a tad sensitive about it.
70
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,393
-Oh, what did he do?
-Shot me in the face six times.
71
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,594
-What's that?
-Gabriel's beeper.
72
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,991
That means it's time for the judge
to determine your fate.
73
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,236
lf you've been good,
you'll be reincarnated...
74
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,998
...as the animal of your choice.
75
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,557
Well, in that case,
I'd lik e to come back as an eagle...
76
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,836
...soaring proud and free.
77
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,991
How patriotic.
78
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,437
But if you do come back as an eagle,
do yourself a favour.
79
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:32,071
-What's that?
-Don't land on any bald guys with guns.
80
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,151
So, pumpkin...
81
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,678
...just know that Buck
is in a happier place now.
82
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,476
He has to be. He's not here.
83
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,352
And as long as you carry him
in your heart...
84
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,074
...a part of him will ways be with you.
85
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,398
That was beautiful, Daddy.
l feel a lot better now.
86
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,750
-Thanks.
-No problem, sweetheart.
87
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,073
Bud, help me chop up the doghouse
for firewood.
88
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,272
What now?
89
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,717
Daddy, we are not going to get rid
of anything that was Buck's.
90
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,157
He will ways be a part
of this family, always.
91
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,710
l think you're gonna
have to get a replacement.
92
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,316
Are you serious? Where am l
gonna get another daughter?
93
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,793
Dad, l think she meant
a replacement for Buck.
94
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,871
l can't afford a pet
since Peg's mom...
95
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,271
...a.k.a. Free Willy,
beached herself upstairs.
96
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,558
l am not beached.
97
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,837
l can roll over if l want to.
98
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,957
Don't!
99
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,874
Hey, l've got a great idea.
l have a friend who owns a pet store.
100
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,236
Well, actually he's a crooked
customs agent...
101
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,273
...who smuggles in
endangered species...
102
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,512
...and some really great
imported porn.
103
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,476
l mean corn.
104
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,078
Wait a second,
how much does this porn, l mean-
105
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,432
How much is this pet gonna cost?
106
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,514
Gee, l don't know, Al.
107
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,638
What's the spending limit
on Kelly's peace of mind?
108
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,431
Eleven bucks.
109
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,559
No, you don't, Al Bundy.
110
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,836
You're not gonna Scrooge your way
out of this.
111
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,917
Kelly is your only daughter.
112
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,833
This is my only $11, Peg.
113
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:47,352
All right. l promise to get her
a pet that she'll love.
114
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:54,954
So, Kelly...
115
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,954
...tell me which one of these cool pets
is gonna be the new Buck?
116
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,158
Oh, forget it, Daddy.
117
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,755
l can't take a goldfish on a walk.
118
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,958
l can't scratch a moth
behind its ears...
119
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,670
...and l can't teach an ant farm
to pee in Bud's shoes.
120
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,758
Kelly, have we got the pet for you.
121
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,355
-What is it this time?
-A bird.
122
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,795
lt takes one to buy one.
123
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,232
But this isn't just any bird, Kel.
124
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:32,199
This is a genuine Venezuelan
emerald-crested cockatoo.
125
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,112
He does great celebrity impressions.
126
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,716
And he knows
over 150 different words.
127
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,918
That's got your father beat
right there.
128
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,472
Yeah, but he's not Buck.
129
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,233
Can he roll over and play dead?
130
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:46,754
Buck couldn't do that.
131
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,797
Until now.
132
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,117
Look, Kelly, l know he's not Buck
but you should give him a chance.
133
00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,713
We got him on approval...
134
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,639
...so if you don't want him
after a week, he goes back.
135
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,711
Look.
136
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,679
Kelly pretty, Kelly pretty.
137
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:13,040
Well, he is awfully cute and smart.
138
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,755
Hey there, cute little guy.
139
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,430
-How much?
-A thousand dollars.
140
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:28,399
Well, l'll give him a try.
141
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,438
l just hope it's okay with Buck.
142
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,350
I'm gonna be an eagle.
I'm gonna be an eagle.
143
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,559
lf the judge decides
that you've been good.
144
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,075
Oh, he will. Everybody loves me.
145
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,756
All rise for the Honourable
Judge Felix D. Katt.
146
00:10:56,360 --> 00:11:00,831
Well, I just hope I get a defence lawyer
who can stand up to a cat.
147
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,399
Buck Bundy?
148
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,473
Ira Mousek ewitz.
I'm your court-appointed attorney.
149
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,753
Houston, we have a problem.
150
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,757
l hope Tweety likes the gifts
we got him.
151
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,672
Yeah, it will be just like Christmas.
152
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,196
Yeah, except Dad's sober
and somebody's getting presents.
153
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,759
Well, l guess it's true
what they say.
154
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,878
Nothing brings a family together
like a new pet.
155
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:46,314
-Al, you busted Tweety's bird food.
-That's no problem.
156
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:50,149
l was on my way back to town
to have a hernia operation anyway.
157
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,955
Can l get anybody else
a hundred pounds of anything?
158
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,430
Jujubes.
159
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,994
l'm gonna give Tweety
his cuddle bone.
160
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,149
-Hey, where'd he go?
-Somebody left the cage open.
161
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,676
-He must have flown upstairs.
-Upstairs?
162
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,513
Oh, no.
163
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,040
Oh, my God, a feather.
164
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:23,995
Gee, l was wondering
why Mom sent out for white wine.
165
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,074
What do you mean
you thought it was a chicken?
166
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,471
When was the last time
you heard a chicken...
167
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,432
...doing a Marlon Brando impression?
168
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,559
Tweety.
169
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,951
Well...
170
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,793
...l've got some good news
and got some bad news.
171
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,351
The good news is
Tweety knew over 150 words.
172
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,472
Well, what's the-?
What's the bad news, Dad?
173
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,878
Bad news is none of them were
" Please don't eat me."
174
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,034
Oh, there, there, sweetheart.
175
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:21,558
-Daddy will get you a new Tweety.
-Like hell Daddy will.
176
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,477
l don't want another Tweety.
177
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,429
l don't want another anything.
l just want Buck back.
178
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,478
-Now, look Kel-
-No, leave me alone!
179
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,518
-Al, l've got another idea.
-Forget about it, Marcie.
180
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,476
There's no pet in the world
wouldn't fit in that woman's mouth.
181
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:45,030
She can unhinge her jaw
like an anaconda.
182
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,636
Kelly's problem is that
she needs closure...
183
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,713
...to reconcile herself
to the fact that Buck is really gone.
184
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,030
She needs to communicate with him.
185
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,635
But he's dead.
186
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,872
He may have crossed over
to the other side...
187
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,270
...but he's not out of reach.
188
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,911
Come on, Marcie. Let's get
this doggy seance on the road.
189
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,750
Father, we're ready.
190
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,033
Well, the house is blessed...
191
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,159
...except for that big, fat
ugly she-demon up there.
192
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,279
Father Sarducci,
can we talk to Buck now?
193
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,798
Soon, my child with the diary
in the top drawer.
194
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,834
Are you clairvoyant?
195
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,878
No, l was just
going through your things.
196
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,634
Let us all join hands.
197
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,594
Al, you're not joining hands.
198
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,798
What's the matter, Mr. Bundy,
you don't believe in the afterlife?
199
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:03,279
No, it's not that, Father. lt's just that
l don't wanna hold my wife's hand.
200
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,956
Come on, now. Calm down.
201
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,113
lt is not easy to contact a dead dog.
202
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,638
Fortunately, l have
my dead-dog whistle with me.
203
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:21,999
Won't be long now.
204
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,830
Maybe gonna try something else.
205
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,873
l got this idea.
How about everybody concentrate?
206
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,190
Okay, concentrate.
You just have to...
207
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,795
Buck Bundy, Buck Bundy.
208
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,316
Yeah, l know.
209
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,478
But in bed
l hardly have to do anything.
210
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,388
-Silence?
-No, hardly. She's quite the screamer.
211
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,552
He wasn't talking about that.
212
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,552
Actually, l was.
213
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,913
We are gathered here tonight
to contact a friend...
214
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,519
...a departed friend,
who still carries heartstrings...
215
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,799
...for his grieving companion,
the blond chick.
216
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,030
-Kelly.
-Kelly.
217
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,317
Buck, Buck...
218
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,590
...hear me, Buck.
219
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,034
Fill me up with thy spirit.
220
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,874
My body is your vessel.
221
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,396
Fill me up, Buck.
222
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,710
Fill me up.
223
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,991
Am l the only one
getting turned on here?
224
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,714
What is it, Father?
What do you feel?
225
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,473
Great fear.
226
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,234
l think Buck's in trouble.
227
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:08,395
Buck Bundy, I understand you have
waived your right to an attorney.
228
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,756
Yeah, after you ate him.
229
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,832
Strik e that from the record.
230
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:18,675
Thomas shall now read aloud
from The Book of Life.
231
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:25,114
Let's see. "Total number of cats
chased up trees, 15."
232
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:28,193
It was harmless fun.
It's not lik e anyone got hurt.
233
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:34,788
"Total number of cats chased under
the wheels of Mack trucks, 197."
234
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,957
I'm truly sorry about that.
235
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,829
I was a young pup
and I did it to impress the bitches.
236
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,717
And finally,
"Total number of cats eaten...
237
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,754
...this morning
in heaven's waiting room, three."
238
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:55,509
-Well, dog?
-You know, I don't have to be an eagle.
239
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,957
I'll settle for a finch with huev os
lik e an eagle.
240
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,556
This court will recess for one hour...
241
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:08,636
... while I contemplate the appropriate
sentence in my litter box.
242
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,751
Well, this certainly sucks.
243
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,709
Be one with me, oh, spirit.
244
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,757
Join with me, Buck.
245
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,798
Join with me.
246
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,793
Now, look here, La Toya.
247
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,558
lt has been over an hour.
248
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,116
Get to the part where Buck is fine
and Kelly's happy.
249
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,079
What, you want me to lie?
What do you take me for?
250
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,278
A lot less than you're taking me for.
Now go ahead.
251
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,795
Okay, l will again
attempt to break through.
252
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,917
l broke through.
253
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,239
Buck?
254
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,916
Yes, it's me, Buck.
255
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,713
Daddy...
256
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,235
...Daddy, Buck's ltalian.
257
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,231
The afterlife is in ltaly.
258
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,238
-l miss you Buck.
-l miss you too, Kelly...
259
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,038
...but l think it's time
for both of us to move on.
260
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,590
Go forth, my child,
and get yourself another dog.
261
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,397
A cheap dog.
262
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,313
And, Kelly, share yourself
with others...
263
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,109
...like you have shared yourself
with me, Buck.
264
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,634
l'll do that.
265
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,633
l will share myself with others.
266
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:45,998
lf she shared herself any more...
267
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,794
...she'd be traded on
the New York Stock Exchange.
268
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:56,399
Now, before we say goodbye
is there anything l can do for you?
269
00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:01,118
Well, Buck would like
to have a little hug.
270
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,520
Oh, of course.
271
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,313
And maybe a little kiss.
272
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,398
Okay.
273
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,271
No, Buck would really like to have
his tongue involved.
274
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,234
Would Buck like to have
a little shoe up his blowhole?
275
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,598
The spirit has departed.
276
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,230
Hey, hey, wait.
While you're still out there...
277
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,278
...l used to have a pet goldfish
named Winky.
278
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,715
Not on my dime you didn't, buddy.
279
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:45,111
Hey. Hey, wait a minute, you guys.
Now, you heard what Buck said.
280
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,912
He wants me to get another dog.
281
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,588
But, pumpkin, it's after 9:00.
Daddy's broke.
282
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,434
There's no way in the world
we can find another-
283
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,437
Hey, wait a minute. What's that?
284
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:04,993
Look, it's a puppy.
285
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:06,993
Where did it come from?
286
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,549
lt's a sign, a sign from Buck.
287
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,711
That's ridiculous-
288
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,670
Entirely possible.
289
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,269
Oh, look how cute he is.
290
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,312
Wait a minute, I'm not an eagle.
291
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,348
I'm a dog.
292
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:29,828
What should we name him?
293
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,993
l know, let's call him Lucky,
Lucky Bundy.
294
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,630
Gee, l was saving that name
for my tombstone.
295
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,114
Those v oices sound oddly familiar.
296
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,670
If I could just get these newborn eyes
to focus...
297
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:55,518
No!1
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:22,917
Order, order, order.
2
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,594
This meeting of NO MA'AM...
3
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,633
...National Organization of Men
Against Amazonian Masterhood...
4
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,398
...will now come to order.
5
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,475
Brother Jefferson will read
the minutes.
6
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:36,116
Al, he's just gonna do
his stupid 8:01, 8:02 joke again.
7
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,198
No, l won't, and it's not stupid.
8
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:46,232
The minutes of the last meeting
are 8:01, 8:02, 8:03, 8:04!
9
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,310
Forget about the minutes.
Go sit down.
10
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,631
Now, last meeting,
we argued about...
11
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,469
...which Big 'Uns centrefold was sexier,
July or August.
12
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,636
We couldn't decide,
so we ripped them out...
13
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,115
...put them down our pants,
and danced around.
14
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,271
Then we each drank about 30 beers.
15
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,279
Now, wait a second.
That's how we started the meeting.
16
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,430
That's the only reason
we had the meeting.
17
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,432
That's right.
Then let's get underway.
18
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,035
Treasurer Bob Rooney,
pass out the liquid gold.
19
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,238
Hey, this isn't our regular beer.
20
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,357
Yeast N Stuff?
21
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,791
Sorry, guys,
but they raised the beer tax again.
22
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,359
So this is it.
23
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:36,229
Unless we wanna go back and have sex
with our wives for more beer money.
24
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,879
No way.
25
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,910
Beer is beer. We didn't become
NO MA'AMers by being discriminating.
26
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,156
-Or employed.
-Or happy.
27
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,278
-Or bathed.
-Or documented.
28
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,833
Down the hatch.
29
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:12,157
Hey, if l wanted to reek of cheap booze,
l'd just go kiss my wife.
30
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,348
So l gather things
didn't go so well at the lawyer's.
31
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,630
lt was a disaster.
32
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:21,190
He said my marriage
to Franny is legal.
33
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,795
lt can't be legal. You were married
in a hot tube by a nudist...
34
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,958
...who called himself
Reverend Flashback.
35
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,753
Not only
is Reverend Flashback legal...
36
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,959
...he is now one of the
Forbes 500 richest televangelists...
37
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,272
...right between the pope
and Dionne Warwick.
38
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,354
How can a nudist reverend
be so rich?
39
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,478
Yeah,
and where does he keep his wallet?
40
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:50,753
Same place you keep your head.
41
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:59,158
Guys, come on. lt's simple.
Reverend Flashback has mega bucks...
42
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,278
...because churches
have tax-exempt status.
43
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,149
Can you imagine all the good we could
do if we didn't have to pay taxes?
44
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,352
-Hey, hey, we could buy real beer.
-And maybe some ale.
45
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,318
-Ale sucks.
-Suck this.
46
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,917
Gentlemen, focus, focus.
47
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:22,756
-Now, where were we?
-ln your garage.
48
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,878
-l meant where were we-?
-All right. Look.
49
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:29,311
l'm gonna call a lawyer friend of mine
and find out more about this.
50
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,916
lf Reverend Flashback can call himself
a church and not pay taxes...
51
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,269
...then why can't we?
52
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,193
Our wives would take the money
and waste it on charities...
53
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,675
...health insurance, lingerie.
54
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,951
Then we'll keep it a secret.
Jefferson, not a word to:
55
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,918
You got it, buddy.
56
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,388
Then it's settled.
57
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,668
We will become a church, a sacred
organization of peace and brotherhood.
58
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,234
l'll drink to that.
59
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,510
Hey, he's got good beer.
60
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,751
Hold him down.
Hold him down for me.
61
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:12,070
Hey, Lucky sounds hungry.
You better feed him, Bud.
62
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:17,155
l don't feed him. l walk him.
You're supposed to feed him.
63
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:21,831
No, l'm not.
l bathe him and vacuum him dry.
64
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,232
Okay, then who feeds him?
65
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,595
Nobody.
66
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,588
If it weren't for the girl's
edible underwear, I wouldn't eat at all.
67
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,750
Hi, kids.
68
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,112
Hey, look what you got me
for my birthday.
69
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,516
All you have to do is wrap it.
70
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:49,309
Wrap it?
Oh, do you need a card too?
71
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,471
-l hate your birthday.
-l know.
72
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,917
What happened to the days when you'd
give us money to buy you a cake...
73
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,156
...and then we'd eat it
before you got home?
74
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,310
Peg, did Jefferson call?
75
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,472
No, Al, and guess what Friday is.
76
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,756
Oh, Peg, you know l hate
when you do this.
77
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,356
l hate when you do anything,
but especially this.
78
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,076
lt's my birthday.
79
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,959
-You know what that means.
-Okay, Peg. Get a blanket.
80
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,072
l'll get a Big 'Uns
and l'll meet you behind the furnace.
81
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,473
Not sex, Al.
82
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,477
Okay, but l offered,
and that counts for one.
83
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,800
l wanna go on a date.
84
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,116
Fine. Go.
85
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,519
With you.
86
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,275
lt's my birthday and l want dinner,
dancing and a show.
87
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,870
Okay. l'll go,
but only because l'll be getting some.
88
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,514
-Oh, Al.
-Some dinner.
89
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,753
God, how sad.
90
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,315
You know what l'd do
if my lover lost interest in me?
91
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,070
You'd sleep with his patrol officer?
92
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,668
We're in, buddy.
The lawyer says we can be a church.
93
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,633
Jefferson, you know how women
hate to see us happy. Look sad.
94
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,389
Al, we'll never have to pay taxes
on anything.
95
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,713
Oh, Jefferson, that is just awful.
96
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,028
We can get tanked for pennies.
97
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,672
A toast to our leader,
a true man of the froth.
98
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,759
Gentlemen,
in the history of mankind...
99
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,230
...there have only been
a few truly good scams.
100
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:43,632
Loch Ness monster, Canada.
101
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,475
And now the tax-free
Church of NO MA'AM.
102
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:58,198
You know, beer tastes better
when it's tax-free.
103
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:03,151
Yeah, and Big 'Uns look bigger
when they're tax-free.
104
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,030
That's why we started
this bogus church in the first place.
105
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:13,035
Men, there's nothing
but good times ahead.
106
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:21,395
Not so fast,
Reverend Half Moon Pits.
107
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:27,633
This is no man of the cloth.
This is Al "Scratch-and-Sniff" Bundy.
108
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:32,189
And now,
l've exposed his stench for all to see.
109
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,671
You go, girl. Take it.
110
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:43,392
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal.
111
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,513
As you have just witnessed...
112
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,996
...chauvinism and religious quackery
are alive and well...
113
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,192
...right here in Al Bundy's garage.
114
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,715
-calling themselves
the Church of NO MA 'AM...
115
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:59,630
... in a shameless and clearly
illegal attempt to av oid paying taxes.
116
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,590
l have defrocked you, Al Bundy.
117
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,952
l have destroyed
the Church of NO MA'AM.
118
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:11,318
l won, l won, l won.
119
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,597
l won, l won, l won.
120
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,910
Are you that NO MA'AM guy
on the news?
121
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,152
He's also Arnold the pig
on Green Acres.
122
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:24,232
All of these letters are from guys
that support your cause.
123
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,990
-How would you know that?
-We open them.
124
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,157
And the guys at work are prepared
to put down their mail pouches...
125
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:38,394
...and assault weapons
and follow you anywhere, Reverend Al.
126
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,190
Reverend Al?
127
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,238
That's who all these letters
are addressed to.
128
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:50,913
We've gone national.
129
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:55,039
You know what this means,
Reverend Al?
130
00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,469
Ka-ching.
131
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,558
This is incredible.
132
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,110
-Another $10.
-Hey, that's my dough.
133
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,991
Man, everybody's trying to get a ticket
on the NO MA'AM express.
134
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,674
Hey, why not?
Hey, listen to this one.
135
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,435
"Gentlemen,
although l cannot reveal my identity...
136
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,353
...l am also under the iron rule
of a woman.
137
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,955
Here's $10 for your cause.
138
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,317
Your friend, B. Clinton.
139
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,868
Don't tell H., not her real name."
140
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:44,275
Hey, our phony church
is becoming a real religion.
141
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,031
And like other great religions,
we have a sacred obligation...
142
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,994
...to make a lot of money
and open our own theme park.
143
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,357
NO MA'AM's Land.
144
00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,470
Guys, am l the only one who thinks
we're getting a little carried away?
145
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,199
Yes.
146
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,668
Don't you see?
147
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,316
Real religions have commandments,
beliefs, values...
148
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,353
...traditions that have been formed
over thousands of years.
149
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,875
No problem.
We'll make some of them up.
150
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,513
And now,
onto the burning question...
151
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,439
...that has plagued
the great religions for centuries.
152
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,591
ls there an afterlife?
153
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,512
Hell, no.
154
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,354
How do we keep these suckers
hemorrhaging cash?
155
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,399
We'll do it like the pros.
156
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:35,156
Rent a hall, buy some dirt-cheap
time on cable TV or Fox...
157
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:40,874
...give a fire-and-brimstone speech,
and suck their bank accounts dry.
158
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,271
-Oh, Al.
-What is it, Tammy Faye?
159
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,476
Have you forgotten what day this is?
160
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:55,589
Come-as-your-favourite
Hee Haw-character day at Kmart?
161
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,432
lt's my birthday.
162
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:04,748
So your birthday and Hee Haw-
character day are the same?
163
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,476
What are the odds?
164
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,269
-Come on. Get dressed.
-Oh, Peg, no, not tonight.
165
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,909
Tonight, our monster truck,
the Ford Taurusaurus...
166
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,032
...is jumping 1000 Geo Metros.
167
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,109
lf they don't make it, there could be
hundreds of dollars worth of damage.
168
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,920
Look, Al, if you don't want to see
something else...
169
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,789
...tiny and underpowered
get squashed...
170
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,349
...you will get dressed
and come with me.
171
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,632
All right, gentlemen. l guess this
meeting of NO MA'AM is adjourned.
172
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,151
We will convene tomorrow
and talk about...
173
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,518
..."eecing-flay the ongragation-cay."
174
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:54,238
Oh, Al. l'm just so excited.
This is just like before we got married.
175
00:12:54,880 --> 00:13:00,557
Oh, Al, is that money in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?
176
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,157
lt's money, Peg.
177
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,828
Just like before we got married.
178
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,588
Let's get this over with.
179
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,671
" Eecing-flay the ongragation-cay?"
180
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:33,597
Should l order my new Cadillac
with cloth or leather seat covers?
181
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:37,196
l'm getting leopard,
so they match my underwear.
182
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,994
Guess l won't have any seat covers.
183
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,070
You know,
it's not too late to call this off.
184
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,316
What is with you, Griff?
185
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,630
We're gonna make a fortune tonight.
186
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,952
The last time l felt this queasy
in church is when someone said:
187
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,555
"You may kiss the bride."
188
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,759
Griff, will you relax, all right?
189
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:06,556
l'm sure Al is gonna handle this
with respect and dignity.
190
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,630
Brothers.
191
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:19,635
For years, we have been tortured by
the shrill voices of our nagging wives...
192
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,917
...but at last, we have found a man.
193
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:27,711
A man who speaks to us all.
A man who married for our sins.
194
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:34,479
Let's everybody give it up
for the Reverend Al Bundy.
195
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,069
Can l hear it for my alter vixens
Halla and Luyah?
196
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,350
Believers, guests...
197
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:12,476
...those of you with the deep pockets
that got the cushioned seats up front...
198
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,318
...let me tell you a little story.
199
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,877
God created man.
200
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,109
Everything was going great, then
Eve came around and said, "Apple?"
201
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,028
The one time they offer us
something to eat...
202
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,196
...we wind up selling women's shoes.
203
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,675
Now, l know that a lot of you
are wondering...
204
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,116
...what the Church of NO MA'AM
is all about.
205
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:41,999
Hooters!
206
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,678
Yes, but we are also about making
the world something it used to be...
207
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,635
...back when men were men
and women were ribs.
208
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,429
Tell it, Reverend Al.
209
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,909
When a driver's-side air bag
was called a mother-in-law.
210
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,353
When a frank conversation with
the wife used to begin with:
211
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,916
"What's for dinner?" and ended with
"You call that dinner?"
212
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,876
Would you like a squeeze?
213
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,917
Oh, yes.
214
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,792
-Wipe your brow?
-Bless you, my child.
215
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,838
Though l see
you've already been blessed.
216
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:38,316
But it is our mission to bring back
the natural order of things.
217
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,154
-Guy things.
-Amen.
218
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,394
Like barber shops, hardware stores...
219
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,757
...those calendars, you lift
the cellophane, she's naked in there.
220
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,394
l want to bring us back
to those times.
221
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,072
This is an engine
that runs on money.
222
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,995
l'm not talking about that unleaded,
eco-friendly...
223
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,676
...tree-hugging,
girlie-jiggling money.
224
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,309
You go, preacher man.
225
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:21,639
l'm talking about beer-guzzling,
truck-driving, low-riding...
226
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,513
...belching, biting, folding money.
227
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:39,073
Now, if no one wants to testify,
we will pass the collection plate.
228
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,910
l wanna testify.
229
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,912
A woman!
230
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,510
Now, now, now,
let us not jump to conclusions.
231
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,072
Want me to take her down,
Reverend Al?
232
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,751
That will not be necessary,
Brother Archimedes.
233
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,678
The days are over
when a woman could...
234
00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,757
...whoop us like
a nation of Gerry Cooneys.
235
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,192
Actually, l have very little to say.
236
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,352
Amen.
237
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,672
l'd like to thank the Reverend Al...
238
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:14,839
...for giving such a stirring,
pork-laden speech.
239
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:21,671
Hurry up, Marcie.
l'm about to be born again, and again.
240
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:29,559
You're gonna be laughing out the other
side of your pipe organ in a minute.
241
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,356
My women's group
has commandeered the video booth.
242
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,550
There's something we'd like to show
you to put a smile on your snouts.
243
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,950
Girlie porn?
244
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,151
Even better.
245
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,914
Let's go on a date with Reverend Al.
246
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,558
Roll it, girls.
247
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:55,548
Here he is, dancing with his wife.
248
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,956
Take her down, Archimedes.
249
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,869
Take him down, Dot.
250
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,272
Damn.
251
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,751
You a lot of woman.
252
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,558
l'm a lot of everything.
253
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:32,030
And here's your man's man at a
restaurant call Potpourri, eating quiche.
254
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,677
Now, l can explain that.
255
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,595
l had ordered a meatball sandwich,
extra ball.
256
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,551
Let's see where they went next.
Bowling, perhaps? Why, no.
257
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,876
They're attending
a performance of Cats...
258
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:57,515
...with all proceeds
going to the Chicago Ballet.
259
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:03,516
And finally, behold your beloved
Reverend Al and the missis...
260
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,992
...outside
the Rock'Em Sock'Em Motel.
261
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,118
So there you have it...
262
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:16,514
...your leader on a date with his wife,
deeply in love.
263
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,469
Say it ain't so, Reverend Al.
264
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:27,592
Tell us you were with a hooker,
or at least a guy dressed like one.
265
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,989
Oink your way out of this one,
Reverend Fatback.
266
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,633
l have sinned.
267
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,988
l have consorted with my wife.
268
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,357
But it's not like l enjoyed it.
269
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,751
l mean, you know,
it was her birthday, for heaven's sake.
270
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:06,394
Hold it. Let he who is without wife
cast the first stone.
271
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:07,988
Thanks, Griff.
272
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,112
Here's your presents, Mom.
273
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,920
Open mine first, Mom.
l can't wait to see what l got you.
274
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:24,989
Oh, kids, this is the best birthday
l've ever had.
275
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:28,710
Well, bicentennials
are always special.
276
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,040
Al, don't be such a grouch.
277
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,350
l mean, sure you lost
your congregation...
278
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,114
...your pride,
and every last shred of dignity...
279
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:42,069
...but at least the lRS
isn't after you for tax fraud.
280
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,194
l wonder who that could be.
281
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,913
Reverend Al Bundy, this is the IRS.
282
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,675
Put up your hands
and throw out your wallet.
283
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,992
l'll be back in 20 years.
284
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,115
-Bye, Dad.
-See you.
285
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,799
Don't wait up.1
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,028
Peg.
2
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,599
Bud.
3
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,274
Would you get the door?
My arms are full.
4
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,316
-Coming.
-Coming.
5
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,114
There's no place like home.
6
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,240
Al, if you're gonna come in,
could you shut the door?
7
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,393
Peg, if you're gonna live here,
could you shut your mouth?
8
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,958
You know, Peg, this dog is chewing
a hole in our budget.
9
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,079
Look at these.
Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.
10
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,710
Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.
11
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,276
Oh, why didn't you say so?
12
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:26,799
Oh, food.
An escape from this hellhole.
13
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:30,593
Bud, you're in college.
14
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,752
l mean, you don't go to parties
or get laid or anything...
15
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,556
...but you did take classes, right?
16
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,718
-ls there a point to this barrage, Dad?
-ls there?
17
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,315
Oh, that's right, you're smart.
18
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,115
Where the hell is
my paycheck going?
19
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:49,035
Luckily, Dad, l've put all the family
finances right here in this computer.
20
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,273
You put something l don't have
into something l don't understand.
21
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,237
You know, that reminds me
of our sex life.
22
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,351
That's putting something l have
in something l don't like.
23
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,593
Dad, look.
24
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:16,237
Look, here's a list of all the salaries
of all the occupations in the world.
25
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:20,155
And here is what you make.
26
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,513
That's what l make?
27
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,069
l'm a paperboy.
28
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:31,192
Oh, no, Al, paperboys
can afford bicycles.
29
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,671
There must be someone out there
that makes less than l do.
30
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,675
Mom, Dad, Bud.
31
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,235
You'll never guess what l got.
32
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,838
A better game would be
Guess What You Haven't Got.
33
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,311
l'll take Virginity for $100.
34
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,993
Oh, that's funny. Nobody will take
yours for less than a thousand.
35
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,958
Anyway, l got a part in a TV movie.
36
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,639
Who are you gonna play, honey?
37
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,236
Madame Curie.
38
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,077
To prepare for the part, l thought
l'd get some firsthand experience...
39
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,838
...of what it's like to be Madame.
40
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:19,508
Does anyone know where there's
a brothel around here?
41
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,072
Well, there's Howie's down by
the airport but-
42
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,076
l mean, Madame Curie's
not a hooker.
43
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,073
No, she's a famous French chemist
who discovered radium...
44
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,675
...down by the airport.
45
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,434
Now, what am l gonna do?
46
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,796
l still have to research
Madame Curie...
47
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,514
...but l don't know anything
about "science."
48
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,712
Kel, that's science, not "science".
The C is silent.
49
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,358
l knew l should have stayed in...
50
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,192
...shool.
51
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,751
Look, Bud, you're my manager.
52
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,197
Please do something to earn
your 75 percent.
53
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,513
Peg, come here.
54
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,917
A Pakistani dirt vendor makes
more than l do.
55
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,471
Yeah, and he probably smells better.
56
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,836
Probably has reason to.
57
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:30,989
l got it, Kel. l got it.
58
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,953
l'll set you up with this scientist
l know at the university.
59
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,957
All you do,
pretend you're a professor.
60
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,590
Okay, but, l mean, l think l'd make a
more convincing Ginger or Mary Ann...
61
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,119
...don't you think?
62
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,996
You must be the new professor.
63
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,515
You must be Gilligan. Hi.
64
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,311
Kelly Bundy at your service.
65
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,677
So Bud tells me you're in aerospace.
66
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,592
Yeah, well...
67
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,878
...it's not rocket science,
but what is?
68
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,114
Right. So what are you
working on now?
69
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,677
Well, l just received a grant
from the Crayola company...
70
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,072
...to invent a new colour.
71
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,514
Bleen.
72
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,034
Bleen?
73
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,510
ls that a mixture of blue and green?
74
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,115
No, of blood and spleen.
75
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:30,109
You know, it's for the kids
who wanna draw accidents. Yeah.
76
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:33,989
Really? You would think that Crayola
would have enough colours already.
77
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,157
Well, not anymore.
78
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,233
See, they had to get rid
of black and white...
79
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,591
...you know, to be politically correct.
80
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,593
They were gonna mix the two together
and call it blite...
81
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:51,557
...but the guy who invented grey
back in '74 threatened to sue, so...
82
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,518
All right.
83
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:54,988
So, what's your field?
84
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,637
-Alchogorentology.
-Oh, right.
85
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,959
What's alchorathincology?
86
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,074
lt's a study of that age-old question:
87
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:10,394
How much booze can a rat drink
before he explodes?
88
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,879
-Kennedy grant?
-Exactly.
89
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,310
Now, this is your
lab station, right here.
90
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,993
Oh, great.
91
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,755
Just like a smaller version
of the one l have at home.
92
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,195
That reminds me.
93
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,153
Make sure you take all your findings
with you when you leave.
94
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,397
After all, this is academia.
Thievery runs rampant here.
95
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,149
l think l'm gonna like science.
96
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,914
lt's like shopping at the mall.
97
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,359
All right.
98
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,717
Now, here's someone who might
make less than your father.
99
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,679
Eskimo blubber-chewer.
100
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,599
Nope.
101
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:03,270
Check French deodorant salesman.
102
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,394
Not even close.
103
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,152
Hey, guys.
104
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,716
Today was my last day at the lab.
105
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,157
lt's a good thing too, because there
was nothing left to take.
106
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,309
But you know what?
l really got into my character.
107
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,714
And just like Madame Curie...
108
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,434
...l threw a bunch of cool,
deadly chemicals together...
109
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,996
...and l invented something.
The colour bleen.
110
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,918
Mom, check brain-dead blond.
111
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,310
They make way more
than your father.
112
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,799
Kelly, where exactly
is this colour bleen now?
113
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,669
Well, since it's a level three
biohazard...
114
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,797
...l had to put it where nobody
would go.
115
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,877
So l put it in Dad's shower.
116
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:13,318
You know, l never thought l'd say it,
but l really enjoyed that shower.
117
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,756
You didn't wash your hair,
did you, Daddy?
118
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,594
No, l'm wearing this towel...
119
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,519
...because l wanna get a job
as a New York City cabby.
120
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,029
You didn't use the bottle marked
" Bleen," did you?
121
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,918
Sure did.
122
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,910
lt's great. lt tingles.
lt's just like the commercial says.
123
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,311
My whole scalp feels alive.
124
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:43,189
Honey, when you only bathe once
every two months, your scalp is alive.
125
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,558
Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo.
126
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,872
lt's a bunch of deadly chemicals
that l mixed together at the lab.
127
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:55,352
lt's possible that this tingling you're
feeling could be a massive stroke.
128
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,069
Either way, l thank you.
129
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,589
l love Bleen.
130
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,279
What?
131
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,992
How do l look?
132
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,830
Jumping Jehoshaphat, l'm a hunk!
133
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,672
l'm a dude.
134
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,388
l'm a hunky dude!
135
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,758
Don't hate me because l'm beautiful.
136
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,516
Wow, Al, you have hair.
137
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,069
-How did that happen?
-Who cares?
138
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,278
All l know is that Kelly's Bleen
has grown...
139
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,075
...what 25 years of you
has withered away.
140
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,558
Kelly, man has been seeking
the cure for baldness...
141
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,797
...since the invention
of the younger woman.
142
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,632
This may make me rich!
143
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,875
But don't you mean make us rich?
144
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:31,792
No.
145
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,077
Well, it's Kelly's formula,
so l gotta cut her in, of course...
146
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,153
...but the rest of you mean
absolutely nothing to me.
147
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,948
Now, wait a sec, now,
l'm Kelly's manager.
148
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,270
l get 75 percent
of whatever she gets.
149
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,040
Kelly, listen very, very carefully
to Daddy.
150
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,629
Number one, Bud is fired.
151
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,430
Number two, do you remember
how to make Bleen?
152
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,148
And can you make lots and lots
for Daddy?
153
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,715
-Yeah.
-Oh, sweetheart!
154
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:04,119
lf you can make Daddy some Bleen,
l'll buy you an acting career.
155
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,153
You'll be the next Tori Spelling.
156
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:12,108
Okay. But prettier, right?
157
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,029
-Hell, Two-Face is prettier.
-Oh, l know.
158
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,232
Sweetheart, if you're going out,
would you get me some mousse...
159
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,113
-...and a scrunchie?
-Okay, Daddy.
160
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,239
You won't get away with this, Pop.
l'll sue.
161
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,710
Sue away.
162
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,671
You get in line
behind Sy Sperling...
163
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,997
...and his soon-to-be-defunct
Hair Club for Men.
164
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:40,792
Because when this comes out,
l'm gonna be one hairy millionaire.
165
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,470
Hey, Al, what about side effects?
166
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,553
You know, no one markets
a product without testing it.
167
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,677
Oh, no, Peg?
168
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,792
Cigarettes...
169
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,990
...Ford Pinto...
170
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,112
...that condom l used
on our wedding night.
171
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:04,117
Read my lips, Peg.
There are no side effects.
172
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,590
Okay, all right.
173
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,308
By the way, Peg, you look really good
this afternoon.
174
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:10,999
Who said that?
175
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:17,476
Al, that is the nicest thing
you've said to me in years.
176
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,109
You know, l have a sudden urge
to take you upstairs...
177
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,959
...and have sex with you-
Who said that?
178
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,195
Well, let's go.
179
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,318
Wait a second, Peg. Wait,
l better test this Bleen a little bit.
180
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,159
Wait a minute, Peg. Wait, wait.
God, you look beautiful.
181
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:37,434
Who the hell said that?
Oh, my God, somebody shoot me!
182
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,919
l now call this meeting of No Ma'am
to order, to announce the results...
183
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,715
...of the final tests
of Al Bundy's Bleen.
184
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,914
l mean, Kelly and Al Bundy's Bleen.
185
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:58,551
l now give you my wonderful daughter,
whom l love more than anything.
186
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,751
Thank you, Daddy.
187
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,836
Now, placebos were given
to the first group, group A.
188
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:08,514
Things to do:
189
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,755
Make will.
190
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,916
Cut family out of will.
191
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,957
Make tender love to wife,
with lights on.
192
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,513
What?
193
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:21,231
Now, as you can see
in the first group...
194
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,040
...there's been no hair growth at all.
195
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,431
By the way,
what was that placebo we took?
196
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:31,229
Birth control pills.
You're both dismissed.
197
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:38,638
Hey, is it just me, or are your breasts
getting bigger too?
198
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,953
No, but l have switched to Lightdays.
199
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:49,116
Now, everybody in group B
took Bleen.
200
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,958
Solid.
201
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,110
And the Bleen has worked
in every case.
202
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,999
l think the evidence
speaks for itself.
203
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,070
Kelly, go inside and alert the media.
204
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,714
Particularly those
with receding hairlines.
205
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,751
David Brinkley, Willard Scott...
206
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,752
...Barbara Walters.
207
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:37,993
Guys, am l the only one in the Bleen
group who's had this horrible urge...
208
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,232
...to do the girlfriend thing
with the wife?
209
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,914
Oh, thank God l'm not alone.
210
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,720
l carried the wife
across the threshold.
211
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,155
l told her that l loved her.
212
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,630
l even had foreplay.
213
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,315
Hey, so what?
214
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,957
Last night l pleasured my ex-wife
and paid her back alimony.
215
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,273
Yeah, well, that's nothing.
216
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,038
When l was making love to Marcie...
217
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,954
...l was fantasizing about...
218
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,475
-...Marcie.
-Oh, man, that's sick!
219
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,553
Settle, settle. Gentlemen!
220
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,758
Gentlemen, we are on the horns
of a dilemma.
221
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,629
By marketing Bleen,
we'll make millions.
222
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,711
Well, l will.
223
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,232
But we'll also be condemning mankind
to a lifetime of lights-on...
224
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,830
...bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
225
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,828
Okay, then it's settled.
We can't sell Bleen.
226
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,516
We'd be as hated as the guy
who invented the G-spot.
227
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,035
Hey, who was that guy?
228
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,550
l don't know. Kenny G?
229
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,230
Al, we gotta do something.
230
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,916
l mean, No Ma'am is turning
into Yes Ma'am.
231
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,233
He's right. l don't know how many
more times l can sex the ex.
232
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,192
Well...
233
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,316
...Kelly invented Bleen...
234
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,516
... maybe she can also invent
an antidote.
235
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,716
But she's gonna need a guinea pig.
236
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:08,915
No problem.
237
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,997
l'll take full responsibility.
238
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,310
A Bundy got you into this...
239
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,152
...a Bundy will get you out.
240
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,674
Okay, Bud, l think l found
the antidote.
241
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,115
Are you ready for the last test?
242
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,598
Hell, l'm ready for the last rites.
243
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,030
-Go ahead.
-Okay.
244
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,196
l want you, Bud.
245
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,478
What for?
246
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,551
lt worked! The antidote worked.
lt worked. lt worked.
247
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,398
There's gotta be someone out there
even more worthless than me.
248
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,074
Yeah, well, l'd like to meet him.
249
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,838
Well, here it is, Peg.
250
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,479
Occupation, none.
251
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,869
Skill, none.
252
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,314
Use, none.
253
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:50,076
Peg, say hi to Public Loafer
Number 1.
254
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,791
How you doing, son? How are you-?
255
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,793
-How are you feeling?
-Oh, just great, Dad.
256
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,156
Yeah, trying to find the cure
for Bleen...
257
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,911
...turned me into a bitter, sexless,
aging loser.
258
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,590
l might as well sell women's shoes.
259
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:25,868
Come on, Dad.
260
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,350
You gotta help me.
l can't stay like this forever.
261
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:33,037
Son, l- Yeah, l mean to tell you
something here.
262
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,993
See, son, l-
263
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,629
l still have some Bleen.
264
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,235
Yeah, l saved it, you know,
in case your mother...
265
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,911
...should accidentally tie herself up to
a railroad track and l'd be single again.
266
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,713
But since she'd probably just
derail the train, l-
267
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,156
l'm happy to give it to you.
lt's upstairs in my shower.
268
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,790
Thanks, Dad. l'll just run up
and go get it.
269
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,516
That Bleen made me so horny...
270
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,877
...I'm gonna rent me 101 dalmatians.
271
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,549
And I don't mean the movie.
272
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,550
Hey, you guys, it's starting.
My Madame Curie is on.
273
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,593
-Oh, what channel is it on, honey?
-Fox.
274
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,752
Assume Fox-viewing positions.
275
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,279
And now, from the mak ers of.
276
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:47,600
Buttafuoco: Misunderstood
Family Man or Giant, Fat Sleazoid?...
277
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,028
... we proudly present.
278
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,789
Madame Curie:
Misunderstood Scientist...
279
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,389
...or Syph-Ridden Whoremonger?
280
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,999
Sailor, is that radium
in your pock et...
281
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,754
... or are you just happy to see me?1
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,390
All right, Griff, get your horse
back in the gate.
2
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,793
ls my fly open again?
3
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,829
l'm talking about your shoe horse,
you big Airedale.
4
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,311
The blubber-aerobics class next door
is getting ready to start...
5
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,351
-...in a couple of seconds.
-All right.
6
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,556
So, what we got riding on this one,
big Al?
7
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,110
Loser gets to use the bathroom last.
8
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,789
Stinky seconds?
9
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,351
You bet.
10
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,037
Let's rock.
11
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,191
Three, two, one...
12
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,593
-...and they're off.
-Come on, Seattle Shoe.
13
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,677
-Go, Knockout, go.
-Come on, Seattle Shoe.
14
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,110
-Come on, Knockout.
-Come on, Seattle Shoe.
15
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,357
-Yeah. Come on.
-Papa needs a new pair--
16
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,314
-What happened?
-Well, the hungry hippos over there...
17
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,193
...worked out
for a whole seven seconds.
18
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,759
lt's probably time for a cheese break.
19
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,355
How are we gonna settle
this race now?
20
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,431
l got an idea.
21
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,909
Free jerk chicken
at the food court, man.
22
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,436
l won! l won!
23
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,557
l win.
24
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,837
l won the Shoetucky Derby.
25
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,071
But l was ahead.
26
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,719
Did you cheat?
27
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,793
ls this the face of a cheater?
28
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,957
Am l gonna have to check
that surveillance camera again?
29
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,790
All right. l cheated.
30
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,315
And l ate your lunch.
31
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,836
Drank your vanilla shake.
32
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,913
Al, that was Kaopectate.
33
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,151
Still the best lunch l've had in years.
34
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,392
Oh, will you look at those karate cows
hoofing it over to self-defence class?
35
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,633
Or, as they call it,
tae kwon doughnut.
36
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,430
Can you believe Gary's charging
250 bucks for that class?
37
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,240
lt's still less than a dollar a pound.
38
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,035
What a stupid waste of money.
39
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,396
Hey, speaking of waste of money.
40
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,196
Al, l need $250.
41
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,315
You're not taking
that self-defence class, are you?
42
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:04,431
No. l'm buying you
a very special gift.
43
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,554
Of course l'm taking
the self-defence class.
44
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,154
Marcie already signed me up.
45
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:16,714
Peg, l'm not wasting my money
like l wasted my youth, on you.
46
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,919
Self-defence is not a waste of money.
47
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,718
We live in a bad neighbourhood.
48
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,474
Peg, you live on the couch.
49
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,833
The only danger you face...
50
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,952
...is getting your head stuck
in a Haagen-Dazs carton.
51
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,678
Peg, let's face it, evolution
has only equipped you women...
52
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,713
...made you strong enough,
to roll out of bed in the morning...
53
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,593
...squeeze yourself into a girdle,
ooze down the stairs...
54
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,234
...and fry your man up a Pop-Tart.
55
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:47,473
Peg, the truth is
no woman could ever take a man.
56
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,314
You'd back me up on that,
wouldn't you, Hans?
57
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:51,993
You see, Peg...
58
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,992
...we men are bigger...
59
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,834
...we're stronger, we're tougher...
60
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,593
...we're--
61
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,590
Dead meat.
62
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,676
Al, guess what?
63
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,878
You got your black belt in nag fu.
64
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:20,556
Marcie and l have been promoted
to the advanced self-defence class.
65
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,472
Aren't you happy for me?
66
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,029
Do l look like a happy man?
67
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,319
You don't even look like
a happy tree stump.
68
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,754
l'm gonna go outside
and practice my kicks with Marcie.
69
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,197
Look, this self-defence class
of yours is taking up way too much...
70
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,476
...of your time and my paycheque.
71
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,439
l haven't been able to find my left shoe
in three days.
72
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,992
Now, as the breadwinner
and king of my castle, l demand--
73
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,795
To be left alone.
74
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,918
Good. Where's the shoe?
75
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,073
Dad, if you're looking for a place
to stick your head, l suggest the oven.
76
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,548
l'm looking for my shoe.
77
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,793
lt's a good thing we have Lucky.
78
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,877
-Maybe he can track it down for you.
-Yeah.
79
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,036
Let me get this old shoe
out of his mouth...
80
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,719
...and he'll be ready for action.
81
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,235
Oh, pumpkin, that's my shoe.
82
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,757
Oh, Lucky, you found it right away.
83
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,116
Good boy.
84
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:37,310
Now we know he can chew.
Maybe next time he'll go for my throat.
85
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,513
Oh, no, thanks. I don't eat pork.
86
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,512
Dad, you look sad. What is it?
87
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,069
-lt's your mother.
-What'd she do?
88
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:52,199
Well, the trouble started this morning
when l woke up...
89
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,398
...and so did she.
You know how much l hate that.
90
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,756
l think l know what it is, Daddy.
91
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,519
You're just feeling lonely...
92
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,154
...because ever since Mom
started taking her class...
93
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,112
...she hasn't paid you any attention.
94
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,471
lsn't that it, you big galoot?
95
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,470
No, l like that part. l also like the part
she's too tired at night...
96
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,557
...to wanna fool around.
97
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,391
l do kind of miss her
calling me bullet head, though.
98
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:29,432
Look, Daddy, a little lesson in women:
All Mom wants is just a little tenderness.
99
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,954
lf you really want Mom to stop
taking karate, you gotta take her out.
100
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,670
Well, don't you think l would
if l thought l could get away with it?
101
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,158
Dad, l think she means, you know,
take her out on a date...
102
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,516
-Yeah.
-...and show her some affection.
103
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,271
Romantic movies
always work for me.
104
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:56,308
A Happy Meal and a Hello Kitty pen set
works for you, Kelly.
105
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:05,955
Look, why don't you take Mom to go
see The Bridges Of Madison County.
106
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,237
Now, l heard there's a new director's cut
with 1 1 extra minutes...
107
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,750
...of Clint Eastwood
sponge-bathing Meryl Streep.
108
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,874
ls there no other way?
109
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,156
Well, you could make love to her
all night.
110
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,359
Well, either way, l'll be eating
Junior Mints and crying in the dark.
111
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,312
All right.
Bridges of Madison County it is.
112
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,949
Oh, that was so much fun.
113
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,596
Thanks for being
such a good sport, Jefferson.
114
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,831
No problem.
115
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,952
You know, just between you and me...
116
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,391
...these workouts
are starting to turn me on.
117
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:03,793
-So, what do you say?
-l say l need a flashlight.
118
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:08,312
l think some of my equipment
rolled under the house.
119
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,670
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
120
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,359
...reporting to you live at the premiere
of The Bridges of Madison County...
121
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,272
... The Director's Cut.
122
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,034
As you can see,
the re-release of this movie...
123
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,669
...has generated
unbelievable excitement.
124
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,673
l'm unbelievably excited, you know....
125
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,799
Oh, Al, isn't this romantic?
126
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:56,430
Finally you're taking me to a movie
that doesn't have the words '' Debbie'' ...
127
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,915
...or ''does'' in the title.
128
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:04,358
l just can't figure out why you insisted
on taking me the night of my class.
129
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,717
Pookie, tomorrow l may not be
in the mood to see Meryl and Clint...
130
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,599
...playing Hide the Loofa
in the bathtub.
131
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:15,391
Oh, my God, l'm in line to watch
Meryl Streep strip.
132
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,479
No bloody way.
133
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,472
Yeah, sure, go ahead,
take the easy way out.
134
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,360
l just hope
l don't fall behind in class.
135
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,478
Today was nunchak-to-the-nads day.
136
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,319
Don't you understand, Peg?
137
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,080
This women's self-defence
is against nature.
138
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,754
Take the mighty wildebeest,
for example.
139
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,669
He hunts while the wildebeestess
just stays on her couch...
140
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,593
...watching the Oprah-beestess.
141
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,717
Then there's the ant. She just
sits there all day and lays eggs...
142
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:56,071
...while the male is off dragging
those heavy Budweiser bottles...
143
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,508
...down that anthill.
144
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,230
-l'll give you another example--
-Hey.
145
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,676
This is the bravest thing
this reporter has seen...
146
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,350
...since Bill said,
'' Hillary, l beg to differ.''
147
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,878
This courageous woman
cold-cocked this low-life mugger...
148
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,911
...without any help whatsoever...
149
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:29,194
...from the weasely man
who dares to call himself her husband.
150
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,632
Well, you got to admit, it's pithy.
151
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,917
Jefferson, don't you understand
the problem?
152
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:54,319
lf this gets around town, people
are gonna start thinking l'm a nerd.
153
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:59,319
Well, technically, Al,
you're not smart enough to be a nerd.
154
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,634
No, no, you're more of a pantywaist...
155
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,991
...or a limp-wristed sissy boy.
156
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,671
Horse feathers, Jefferson.
l could have taken that mugger. l just--
157
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,319
l didn't have time to react.
158
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,272
Hey, l believe you, buddy.
lt's the rest of Chicago...
159
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,432
...that thinks Al is short for Alice.
160
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,151
You gotta understand, when l felt
that hairy hand go in my pocket...
161
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,510
...l naturally assumed it was Peg.
162
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,476
Don't worry, Al.
lt was just a little mugging.
163
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,075
l mean, how much more press
could it possibly get?
164
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,234
Great news, Al.
165
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,357
Good Morning, Chicago
wants to do an interview.
166
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,592
Fine. l'd like to set the record straight.
l am no wimp.
167
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,435
Could a wimp score four touchdowns
in one game?
168
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,797
Was that Pee Wee football
or Powderpuff?
169
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,039
l'm sorry.
We're here to interview your wife.
170
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,589
Would you be a doll
and brew us up some coffee?
171
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,832
And feel free to make
some herbal tea for yourself.
172
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,438
All right. Come on, Al.
173
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,877
Hey. Hey, l think l know
how to put an end to all of this.
174
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,235
Well, if you've got the tailpipe,
l've got the lips.
175
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,990
Let's assume for the sake of argument
that you are stronger than Peggy.
176
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,595
l am stronger, damn it!
177
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,799
Well, you know that
and l'm willing to play along.
178
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,430
-But you have to prove it to the public.
-You want me to fight Peg on TV?
179
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,278
-Love it.
-No.
180
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,355
No. No. You gotta fight someone else.
181
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,158
But can l still fight Peg?
182
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,518
No, Al. Look, we have to stage a fight
even you can win.
183
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,198
Okay. Look.
l have this stuntman friend.
184
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,352
His name is Thunder, okay?
You go to this bar, he comes up.
185
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,398
-He insults Peggy.
-And l buy him a drink?
186
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,949
Later. First, you hit him with your
best shot. He pretends to be hurt.
187
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,590
He falls down. You're out
of the Michael Bolton fan club.
188
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,918
That's a good idea.
189
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,549
That's a good idea.
And l can have Bud come in...
190
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,159
-...and video the thing.
-Yeah.
191
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,998
Then l'll fight Peg.
192
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,834
That will work, but how can l
recognise your buddy?
193
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:28,029
Oh, well, Thunder has a goatee,
wears a bandana...
194
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:32,034
...and he reeks of that cologne,
Obsession for Men.
195
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,038
Excuse me.
196
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,358
You may go.
197
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,356
Al, l thought you were taking me out
for a nice, romantic dinner.
198
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,591
We are, Peg. l just wanna...
199
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,673
...soak up the atmosphere here.
200
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,109
Obsession for Men?
201
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,911
Well, l experimented a little in college,
but it was just a phase.
202
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,276
Honey, l wanna go freshen up.
You think the ladies' room is free?
203
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:50,831
lt's free.
204
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,153
Dad, can we get this thing over with?
205
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,915
lt's kind of sleazy in here and,
frankly, it's a little scary.
206
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,230
l don't wanna be in here
any more than you do.
207
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:06,115
What kind of low-life loser would
voluntarily come in a dump like this?
208
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:16,239
Oh, this isn't the library.
209
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,479
We must be in the wrong place,
study buddy.
210
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,230
l thought we were gonna get hammered
and do it on the '' Pac-Man.''
211
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,634
But that book must be checked out.
212
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,235
Why don't we go to the other library
down the street?
213
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,550
The one with the Jell-O shots? Cool.
214
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,514
Well, she's moving on up.
She used to only date senators.
215
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,756
Bud, here comes your mother.
Go hide.
216
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,558
How am l gonna know when to start?
217
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,998
When l say to this guy, Thunder,
'' l'll tell you what l'm gonna do.''
218
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,718
Hey, Al, how come on the wall
next to the pay phone...
219
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,270
...it says, for a good time,
call our house?
220
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,954
Beats me. l never
had a good time there.
221
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,671
What will you have?
222
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:09,514
Did you call my wife an ugly, useless,
lazy, Oprah-watching...
223
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,433
...bonbon-eating couch loafer?
224
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,750
No, l said, ''What will you have?''
225
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,158
One of your finest beers.
Nothing for the wife.
226
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,235
You're cute.
227
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,038
Wanna ride a hog?
228
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:34,676
-Well, all right, then.
-No, no, no. Mommy, daddy!
229
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,149
Al, what are you doing?
230
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,915
You take me out at night
and sniff other men?
231
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,557
l'm not sniffing them, Peg.
232
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,918
lt's a male thing.
Shows dominance in the territory.
233
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,470
Well, you're not gonna lift
your leg on a chair, are you?
234
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,910
l'm Thunder. Sorry l'm late.
235
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,513
Your wife.
236
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:13,880
Your wife's a tacky,
chocolate-snarfing, couch-butted...
237
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:17,476
...beehive-headed parasite.
238
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:28,030
No one calls my wife a tacky,
chocolate-snarfing, couch-butted...
239
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:34,037
...beehive-headed parasite
who snores louder than a logging mill.
240
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,674
Al, he didn't say that.
241
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,480
No, but he was gonna say it
if l hadn't stopped him.
242
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,599
-So, what are you gonna do about it?
-What am l gonna do about it?
243
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,115
l'll tell you
what l'm gonna do about it.
244
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:53,393
Oh, no, please don't.
You're hurting me!
245
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,910
l said, l'll tell you
what l'm gonna do about it, Bud!
246
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,796
-Okay, Dad.
-Now...
247
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,472
...would you mind repeating
what you just said to my wife.
248
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,153
Well, l forgot.
249
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:17,075
-A chocolate-snarfing--
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
250
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,551
A couch-butted,
beehive-headed parasite.
251
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,313
All right?
252
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,274
You asked for this, pal.
253
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,312
One...
254
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,199
...two--
255
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,158
Three.
256
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,233
l got it. Good night.
257
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:57,193
You ever think about
just getting a perm?
258
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,477
And selling Mary Kay cosmetics?
259
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,234
They give you a pink car.
260
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:23,597
Tell me, Mrs. Bundy, has your husband
always been more Lois than Clark?
261
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,229
Now, look here, Miranda.
262
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,151
lf you really want some film at 1 1 ...
263
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,550
...why don't you follow me
down to the brewery.
264
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,911
l'll tie a bowling ball to my ankle,
dive in a vat of beer.
265
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:43,790
l'll leave this world the same way
l entered my marriage, dead drunk.
266
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,032
Hey, l thought you said l could have
your bowling ball when you die.
267
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,754
-Don't you push it, Jefferson.
-Hey, come on.
268
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,549
-Daddy?
-You wanna kick me while l'm down?
269
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,434
No, that's Mom's job.
270
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,873
Now, you remember Genghis
from the library, right?
271
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,517
Okay, go ahead Gengie.
272
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,311
Mr. Bundy...
273
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:23,554
...would you give me your hand
in daughter marriage?
274
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,639
You know, Genghis,
your timing couldn't be better.
275
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,279
You wanna do me a favour, son?
276
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:43,315
You wanna say what you just said to me
in front of the camera here?
277
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:45,073
Sure, Dad.
278
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,073
Hey, and better still,
hold my wallet.
279
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,799
Cool.
280
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,800
-Call my wife an idiot.
-Okay.
281
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:55,793
Mrs. Bundy...
282
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,831
...you're an idiot.
283
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,592
That's good.1
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,193
This is a man's world
2
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,879
This is a man's world
3
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,593
Baby!
4
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,752
-But it wouldn't mean nothing
-But it wouldn't mean nothing
5
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,393
Nothing
6
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,989
Without a woman or a girl
7
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,076
Well, tonight, my NO MA'AM brothers...
8
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,392
...while our wives are flirting
their lives away at bingo...
9
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,756
...we will be watching
the sport of kings:
10
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,195
-Wrestling.
-Yes.
11
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,999
Have we got the necessary snacks
from the Just Store?
12
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:48,516
-Yeah. l got Just Oreo filling.
-l've got Just jerky.
13
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,832
And l've got Just alcohol.
14
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,278
Okay, guys, let's party like Kennedys.
15
00:01:58,520 --> 00:01:59,509
Yes!
16
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,114
This is a man's wo--
17
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,189
Well, Peg, like l said
when l woke up this morning:
18
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,868
What the hell are you doing here?
19
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:18,431
We skipped bingo tonight to watch
the TV movie Old Man Older Woman.
20
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,429
They made a movie of our love life?
21
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:27,834
No. That would be
Young Redhead Younger Pizza Boy.
22
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,636
Old Man Older Woman
is the TV movie event of the season.
23
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,474
lt's an epic love story
spanning three generations...
24
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,678
...ages 7 0 through 1 00.
25
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,589
Starring Hume Cronyn,
Katharine Hepburn...
26
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,991
...and introducing Buddy Ebsen
as Junior.
27
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,154
-CBS?
-Of course.
28
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:55,988
Well, Marcie, l'm afraid
that you and the Joy Cluck Club...
29
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,789
...are going to have to miss
slipping denture theatre tonight...
30
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,270
...because me and the guys
are watching wrestling.
31
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:06,553
-Yeah.
-You'll watch it over my dead body.
32
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,279
Okay.
33
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,513
All right. All right.
Come on, guys.
34
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,035
Let's go back to my place.
We don't have to stay...
35
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,879
-...and take guff from the women.
-Hold it, mister.
36
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:21,159
You know the rules:
''Only one friend over at a time.''
37
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,273
But l did all my chores.
38
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,158
There must be somewhere
we can proudly watch wrestling.
39
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,119
How about your grown son's room
down in the basement?
40
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,873
Griff, you're a genius.
41
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,953
We'll watch it on Bud's TV.
42
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,558
'' Please do not disturb.
l'm getting some.''
43
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,277
The door is locked.
44
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,397
You really think
he's got a girl in there?
45
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,670
Five bucks says he doesn't.
46
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,750
Bud, l'm not like other girls.
47
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,228
l understand.
48
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,552
l only go all the way on the first date.
49
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,951
l'll be a son of a gun.
He does have a girl down here.
50
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,359
Excuse me. Excuse me.
l got a girl here.
51
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,513
l know. You just cost me 5 bucks.
Damn you.
52
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,951
Don't mind us.
We just gonna be watching wrestling.
53
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,710
-Just Cheetos' dust?
-Just stick it.
54
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,470
Thanks, Dad. Thanks.
55
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,589
That was Nasty Natalie.
56
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,391
She's the easiest girl in town.
57
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,471
Bud, if my father scared away
the easiest girl in my town...
58
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,989
...l'd never have gotten married,
nor had you kids.
59
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,236
l'd be upstairs watching TV
in my underwear...
60
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:09,873
...the way God had intended.
61
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,958
What's wrong with the TV?
62
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,430
You gotta stand behind it
with a clothes hanger...
63
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:19,914
...for the picture to clear.
64
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,998
Oh, hey. They're about to interview
King Kong Bundy.
65
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,198
Hey, Al, are you any relation
to King Kong Bundy?
66
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,238
No. But he did take Peg's nickname.
67
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,638
Check out King Kong's
''curvaliscious'' valet...
68
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,757
...Anytime.
69
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:39,873
Listen up, wrestling fans.
70
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,394
I'm King Kong Bundy.
71
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,838
And tomorrow, Halloween night,
live from Chicago's ''Dick-a-dome''...
72
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,116
...I'm going to tak e
that Captain Ecology...
73
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,073
...and tear him a new ozone hole.
74
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,548
Isn't that right, Anytime?
75
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:57,999
Oh, if you say so it must be so,
King Kong-o.
76
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,191
She's brilliant.
77
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,719
Remember, that's tomorrow night.
78
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,396
Right after
the Mik e Tyson, Macaulay Culkin fight.
79
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,390
King Kong Bundy is the greatest.
80
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,868
He's my idol.
81
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,031
Well, him and Yanni.
82
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,954
Hey, l think we should make
King Kong Bundy...
83
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,634
-...an honorary member of NO MA'AM.
-Good idea.
84
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,836
-That's a good idea.
-Wait a second.
85
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,435
l've been trying to get in
for six months now.
86
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,636
Why is King Kong Bundy
gonna get in over me?
87
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,273
Well, let's see.
88
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,636
King Kong is a man's man...
89
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,075
...and you're a human antenna.
90
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,159
Yeah, and you suck at it.
91
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,193
Wait a minute now, guys.
92
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,078
That's my son we're talking about.
93
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,073
The only one who gets
to make fun of him is me.
94
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,157
And most women.
95
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,675
Hey, if he wants to join NO MA'AM...
96
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,390
...l say let's let him pledge
our proud organization.
97
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,438
So, what do you have to do?
Chug beers until l puke?
98
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,556
No, son. That's reserved
for full members.
99
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,432
As a NO MA'AM pledge...
100
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,830
...you must perform
a challenging labour...
101
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,513
...to show you are one of us.
102
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,149
Something brave and heroic
to benefit mankind?
103
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:20,791
No. Something really, really stupid
that benefits no one.
104
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,036
Congratulations, son,
you're an official NO MA'AM plebe.
105
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,875
Now, tomorrow night,
you go down to Wrestle Palooza.
106
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,792
lf you can get your picture taken...
107
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,679
...with King Kong Bundy,
our idol, you're in.
108
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,239
Son...
109
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,357
...make me proud.
110
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,397
-What if l can't get the picture?
-Well, then you can still be...
111
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,353
...the official NO MA'AM bottle opener.
112
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,789
Okay. Come here.
113
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:04,395
Bud, the girls on the bus
were laughing with you, not at you.
114
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:23,028
Kelly, l asked you to rent me a costume
so l could pass as a wrestler...
115
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,352
...not one of
the Chuck E. Cheese players.
116
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,553
Bud, it's Halloween.
117
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,951
lt was either this or Pocahontas.
118
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:35,272
Frankly, l don't think you
have the cleavage for it.
119
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,113
-Hi.
-Hey.
120
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:40,998
Oh, let me guess.
121
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,514
Beauty...
122
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,637
...and the flea, right?
123
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,638
That's close, work release.
124
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,909
Listen.
125
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,037
l'm a wrestler known as...
126
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,032
...the Bumble Bee.
127
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,192
l don't see no insects
on tonight's card.
128
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,311
Well, that's because--
129
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,357
You see, l'm a backup wrestler.
130
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:17,275
So in case any of the regular wrestlers
can't perform their duties, then l--
131
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,476
He duties for them.
132
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,753
Kelly, that's him.
133
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,349
l need to get a picture with him
to get into NO MA'AM.
134
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,717
-Yo, Kong, how they clanging, man?
-l'm mad.
135
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,191
l'm madder than ma--
l'm freaking bananas.
136
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,513
Captain Ecology just backed out
of our match.
137
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:41,954
That sissy mary said:
138
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,352
'' lt's cloudy
and my solar car won't start.''
139
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,119
Excuse me, sir.
140
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,557
l was wondering if l could get
a picture with you?
141
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,277
lt would mean a lot
to my brain-dead father.
142
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,710
Sure, kid. l do a lot of work
on behalf of the stupid.
143
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:22,513
Just say, Cheez Doodles.
144
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,910
Cheez Doodle--
145
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,515
Wait a minute. l have an idea.
146
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:31,639
Now, since my brother here
is the backup wrestler...
147
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,395
...he could take the place
of Captain Proctology.
148
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,553
You know? She's right.
149
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,951
You can fight the Bumble Bee.
150
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,839
Everyone would be happy.
151
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,232
Everyone?
152
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,032
This is a man's world
153
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,552
This is a man's world
154
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,389
But it wouldn't mean nothing
155
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,158
Nothing
156
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,035
Without a woman or a girl
157
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,795
Men, tonight, while our wives are out
trick-or-treating...
158
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,510
...dressed as large, ugly women
and a chicken...
159
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:27,317
...we will be watching in colour,
on a full size TV...
160
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,120
...Wrestle Palooza.
161
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,148
Have we got our manly snacks
for tonight?
162
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,837
Well, all we have left are the pretzels
Bob Rooney sucked all the salt off of.
163
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,918
Come on. Hey, hey.
164
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,071
What are we going to eat tonight, then?
165
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:52,153
Trick or treat.
166
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,548
By God, for you kids had
a pretty darn good night, didn't you?
167
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,470
Don't we look scary?
168
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,150
No. This is scary.
169
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,349
l love Halloween.
170
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,751
You should. Your head is shaped
like a pumpkin.
171
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,399
Focus. Focus.
Gentlemen, focus.
172
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:32,868
Now.
173
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,638
Let us chew...
174
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:35,795
...and view.
175
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,270
This is a man's world
176
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:48,714
Well, we must have gone back in time
because l'm experiencing dej moo.
177
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:56,195
We are watching the rebroadcast
of Old Man Older Woman.
178
00:12:56,440 --> 00:13:01,309
So much of CBS' audience fell asleep,
they're showing it again.
179
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,556
Only this time they are airing it
earlier and louder.
180
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,109
Forget it. We're watching wrestling.
181
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,392
We went through too much trouble
to get snacks to let them waste.
182
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,672
Listen...
183
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,436
...jerk-o'-lantern.
184
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:23,356
Wrestling appeals to the dregs
of American society.
185
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:28,515
We women, however, appreciate
meaningful, uplifting entertainment.
186
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:34,310
Oh, my God, look at that wrestler.
187
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,472
l'd love to pin him to the mat.
188
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,358
Now, that is a real man.
189
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:46,993
Not some high school football hero
who got married and turned to mush.
190
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,830
Well, l guess it's true what they say,
you are what you marry.
191
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,315
That would make me a hoe.
192
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,557
Silence. Silence.
193
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,075
The king is entering the ring.
194
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,311
Oh, there's just something so sexy...
195
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,870
...about a big, oily man
in a sparkly cape.
196
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,510
My lke felt that way
about Elvis before he died.
197
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,913
He's alive l tell you.
198
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,556
-Alive, l say!
-Take it easy, lke.
199
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,399
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
200
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,756
I'm Jimmy Lennon Jr. and welcome...
201
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,515
... to the special Halloween edition
of Wrestle Palooza...
202
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,833
... where tonight's wrestlers
have costumes under their costumes.
203
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:40,119
Next main event features
the most feared man on Earth.
204
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:45,354
Introducing King Kong Bundy.
205
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:54,679
And tonight's challenger
hailing from parts unknown...
206
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,674
...the Bumble Bee.
207
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,518
And here are their gorgeous valets...
208
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:12,276
...Anytime and Honey.
209
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,480
-No, it's mine.
-l saw it first.
210
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,237
You boys understand the rules, right?
211
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,917
Yeah. l just--
212
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,191
l just have one thing to say.
213
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,714
Please don't kill me, man.
214
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,838
Please, please.
215
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,834
Don't worry, kid, you help me out.
l'll go easy on you.
216
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,754
lt's amazing. lt's astounding.
217
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,549
Look at the heinie on that Honey.
218
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,232
Oh, in the ring
King Kong Bundy is down.
219
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,869
One, two--
220
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,277
That's what l get for trying
to take it easy on you.
221
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,956
l expect that kind of chicanery
from the Fighting Florist.
222
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,713
But l assumed from your valet...
223
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,952
...you're the kind of guy
that liked girls.
224
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,909
-l do.
-Then prepare to become one.
225
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,829
Oh, God!
226
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,673
Wow, this is cool.
227
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:08,477
King Kong is twisting off
the Bumble Bee's stinger.
228
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,030
That's not his stinger.
229
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,233
Oh, girls, it's 7:00.
230
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,040
lt's time to switch
to Old Man Older Woman.
231
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:20,478
Are you insane?
And miss a televised '' Bobbitizing''?
232
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,070
Peg, you want to grab
my whatchamacallit?
233
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,879
Al, there's a lot of people around.
234
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:32,955
Okay.
235
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,230
No.
236
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,192
l meant this whatchamacallit,
you cherry Blow Pop.
237
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,556
Looks like the Bumble Bee
is making his move.
238
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,230
Kelly. Help Me. Kelly.
239
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,914
You're a bee, fly.
240
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,598
That's it, Bud.
241
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:58,789
Mom.
242
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,470
Oh, this is so much fun.
243
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,393
l think the Bumble Bee is dead.
244
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,709
Oh, Bob Rooney, you know
what all this grunting and sweating...
245
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,316
...and screaming reminds me of?
246
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,673
Thanksgiving dinner at your mother's?
247
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,078
l was thinking of what we do
after dinner...
248
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,676
...you big turkey baster, you.
249
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,959
Jefferson...
250
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,988
...do you know what these sweaty men
in tight spandex remind me of?
251
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,953
Thanksgiving dinner at your father's?
252
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,356
Well, yes.
253
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,871
But also--
254
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,798
Oh, lke...
255
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,749
...can little Elvis come out and play?
256
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:03,913
You know, Al...
257
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,718
...watching all this wrestling...
258
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,714
...reminds me of something
l haven't had in a long time.
259
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,758
What? Body slam?
260
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,116
Call it what you'd like.
261
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:29,831
I know I'm standing, yet I feel
lik e I'm in a warm bath.
262
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:33,634
Hey. Listen, Bud.
263
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,398
Try and get closer to King Kong...
264
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,636
...so l can get you both in the picture.
Okay?
265
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,157
-Okay.
-Okay.
266
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,072
Where did he go?
267
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,275
Bye-bye.
268
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,155
-One, two, three--
-Five.
269
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,516
--four, five.
270
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,996
And the winner of the match...
271
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,789
...King Kong Bundy.
272
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,398
Okay, smile.
273
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,632
Come on, my little Bumble Bee,
show me some teeth.
274
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,273
Good.
275
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,193
Dad?
276
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,957
Oh, good, you're out of the coma.
277
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,753
Where am l?
278
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,753
ls she gone? ls it over?
279
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,639
Yes, Dad.
280
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,110
Now save your strength.
281
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:04,873
The important thing is...
282
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:08,237
...l got my picture
with King Kong Bundy.
283
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,837
So now l'm in NO MA'AM, right?
284
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,709
No, son. We don't watch
wrestling anymore.
285
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,033
See, we learned tonight...
286
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,750
...that wrestling on TV leads
to wrestling at home.
287
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,230
And that ultimately leads
to sex with the wife.
288
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,789
So now NO MA'AM stands for...
289
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,079
...Numb Old
Men Anxiously Awaiting Morticians.
290
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,838
So all this was a waste of time?
291
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,991
Well for you, maybe.
292
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,073
This was the best meal
l've had at home in years.
293
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:50,716
This is a T-bone, mashed-potato drip
going in this arm, baby.
294
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,117
That's eating.
295
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:56,673
Hey, son...
296
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,275
...are you gonna finish yours?1
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,031
Margaret, what's in that box?
2
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,397
-ls it food?
-No, Mom.
3
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,712
lt's just some old toys
l'm collecting for charity.
4
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:29,556
Don't lie to your mother.
l smell garlic chicken.
5
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,518
lt's just Al's socks.
6
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,593
Hey, Peg.
7
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,868
Do l smell garlic chicken?
8
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,512
No, Al. But guess
what l found in the attic.
9
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,833
Hey, if l wanna keep a noose upstairs,
that's my business, Peg.
10
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,354
No, l dug up all these old toys.
11
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,592
They're for Marcie's
toys-for-guns exchange program.
12
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:12,199
Where do kids today get the idea
that a gun is something to play with?
13
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,154
What is going on here?
14
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,198
This is foreplay.
15
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,472
No, honey, this can't be foreplay.
l'm enjoying it.
16
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,510
And l'm in the room.
17
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,153
l can't believe you guys.
18
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,999
The whole point of this
toys-for-guns exchange program...
19
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,915
...is to give kids something else
to play with besides firearms.
20
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:57,598
For instance, l'm donating
this oil-covered Alaskan seagull.
21
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,871
Now, watch what happens
when l pull the string.
22
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,230
Kids, don't drink and drive
an oil tanker.
23
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,312
l smell fowl.
24
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,234
You certainly do.
25
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,352
Well, l'm gonna give the
disadvantaged youngsters these dice.
26
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,798
Jefferson, why would you
give a kid dice?
27
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,076
Oh, these aren't just any dice.
28
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,992
They're loaded.
29
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:38,229
Yup, the lucky gangbanger who
trades in his Uzi for these babies...
30
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,552
...will learn self-esteem
as he fleeces confused retirees...
31
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,155
...out of their social-security checks.
32
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,599
Thank you.
33
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,155
What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
34
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,356
l don't know. You married him.
35
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,520
Not that Mr. Potato Head.
36
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,513
The one that's actually
worth something.
37
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,956
l'm sorry, Marcie. l myself
once had a Mr. Potato Head...
38
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,350
...who meant a lot to me.
39
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,717
Well, my little sticky buns,
what happened to him?
40
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,077
Well, one night
my frat brothers and l...
41
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,714
...got stinko on Champale
and grenadine.
42
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,148
Next thing l knew...
43
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,830
...l was stuffing Mr. Potato Head's
heinie with cherry bombs.
44
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:33,550
We lit the fuse and blew
Mr. Potato Head into hash browns.
45
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,597
Oh, we laughed till we puked.
46
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,029
So, Peggy, do you have
any other kids' things?
47
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:48,431
Well, we have those
child-safety seats in the garage...
48
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,194
...that we never put into the car.
49
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,791
-Why not?
-Well, we found...
50
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,709
...that it was much easier
just to leave the kids at home.
51
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,036
-Let's get them.
-They're out in the garage.
52
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,117
-l'll show you where they are.
-All right.
53
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,912
-Come on, come on.
-Come on, Marcie.
54
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:19,150
Can you believe that tomorrow
is our five-year high school reunion?
55
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,555
That means we've been
out of school for, like....
56
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,955
For, like, years.
57
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,238
l hear people are coming
from all over for this reunion.
58
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,153
Even foreign countries like lndiana.
59
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,395
lndonesians are coming?
60
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,632
We better brush up on our Spanish.
61
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:49,116
Hey, Kelly, whatever happened
to your horny newt of a brother, Bud?
62
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:54,675
l always thought he was cute.
He can realign my molars anytime.
63
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,591
Please.
64
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,388
l heard Bud and his hand
are eloping.
65
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,108
So, Fawn...
66
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,351
...are you still making
your meteoric rise...
67
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,630
...through the hierarchy
of the 7-Eleven?
68
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,713
l'll have you know
that l am a buyer now.
69
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,279
Well, that's a change.
70
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,795
As l recall, back in school
you were a seller.
71
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,912
Hey, Bud, l'm getting my braces off
in a couple years.
72
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,388
Will you wait for me?
73
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,872
Well, sure.
Unless another hot mama...
74
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,958
...with a big, drooly overbite
comes along first.
75
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,357
Where's Ashley?
l thought she'd be here.
76
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,558
Yeah, me too.
Oh, and l've really missed her.
77
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,398
l wrote her all these great letters.
78
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,552
l can't wait until she gets here
so l can give them to her.
79
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,430
Oh, that must be her.
80
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,196
-Ashley!
-Kelly!
81
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:04,189
Kelly, l have missed you so much,
and l wrote you almost every day.
82
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:05,668
-Here.
-Oh, cool.
83
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,757
-Here.
-Thanks.
84
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,958
Now that we're all here,
let's all look through my yearbook...
85
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,993
...and trash everybody who isn't us.
86
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,350
Look at that geek.
87
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,389
He would do anything for me.
88
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,995
Do you remember the time
that he loaned me his car...
89
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,589
...and then l went joyriding in it
with another date?
90
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,109
And then we tried to steer it
with our butts...
91
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,715
...and we wrecked it,
and we broke our legs?
92
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,518
He was such an idiot.
93
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,196
-l swear.
-Wait, and then there's this other guy.
94
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,954
l can't remember his name,
but what a dweeb.
95
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,509
Okay. He asked me to the prom,
and l said yes.
96
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,354
So he rented this goony maroon tux
and a stretch limo.
97
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,438
When he showed up to my house
all he found was a note that said:
98
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,949
'' Bite me, nerd boy.''
99
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,157
Oh, l just wish l could remember
who that was.
100
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:00,988
That would be me.
101
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,751
Oh, yeah. That would be you.
102
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,788
l'm sorry, Bud.
103
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,157
You know, teenage girls
can be so cruel.
104
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,311
l just want you to know l apologize...
105
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,670
...and l hope somehow
l can make it up to you.
106
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,233
Really?
107
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,593
Maybe we can go out sometime.
108
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,193
Bite me, nerd boy.
109
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,355
See what suckers men are?
110
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,875
Sure, go ahead, make fun of me now.
111
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,236
But you'll come back to me
when you're 25...
112
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:40,149
...and gravity has pulled you apart
like a Stretch Armstrong.
113
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,316
Oh, Bud, don't feel so bad.
114
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,796
There was this guy in high school
who was an even bigger loser than you.
115
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,272
Eric Waters.
116
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,432
Even the tape on his glasses
had acne.
117
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,079
Anyway, he asked me out...
118
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,794
...this one chilly New Year's Eve,
and l said, ''Sure.
119
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,833
Meet me on the top of the Hancock
tower, stripped to the buff.''
120
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,672
Well, of course, l stood him up...
121
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,514
...but that toe they had to amputate
was a good lesson...
122
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:08,395
...on trying to date out of his league.
What a loser!
123
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,631
We did have a way with guys,
didn't we?
124
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,991
Yep, all we had to do
was give them the move.
125
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,118
l wonder if mine still works.
Let me see.
126
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,111
There's a four-alarm
down at the orphanage...
127
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,356
...but that can wait.
128
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,559
-Wanna ride on my truck?
-Sure.
129
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,199
Bye.
130
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,432
Man, l used to love Monopoly.
131
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,911
Buy a property,
put a bunch of poor people in jail.
132
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,316
Now you wanna build a hotel,
you gotta put up a homeless shelter.
133
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,837
That thimble guy lands
on your property...
134
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,792
...puts up a ''will work for food'' sign.
135
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,752
Ain't a damn thing
you can do about it.
136
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,558
Yeah, they even ruined Operation.
137
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,758
Used to be if you butchered
a guy's spleen, lose a turn.
138
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,877
Now they take away
your medical license...
139
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,548
...and you have to perform
black-market liposuctions...
140
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,557
...in the back of a Jiffy Lube.
141
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,798
Hey, you know. l have a good idea.
142
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:13,553
Why don't we play Bottoms Up
until the kids come home?
143
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,593
You know what, Peg,
l have an even better idea.
144
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,831
Why don't you and Marcie go hide.
145
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,833
Jefferson and l will come find you.
146
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:29,991
Good. l love to play hide-and-go-seek.
Come on, Peggy, l know just the place.
147
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:32,748
One thousand one...
148
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,916
-...one thousand two...
-One thousand two...
149
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,395
-...one thousand three...
-...one thousand three...
150
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,636
-...one thousand four.
-...one thousand four.
151
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,836
Thanks for being
my escort tonight, Bud.
152
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,600
You're welcome. And now that
my escort duties are over...
153
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,360
...l'm going to escort myself
to that redhead over there.
154
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,278
-See you.
-You'll be back.
155
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,950
And you'll be begging me
for a little flesh and metal.
156
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,916
lt feels good to be back
in the old gym again.
157
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:33,637
Look, the hoops
are in the same place.
158
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,516
Look, there are the bleachers.
159
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,274
And there's the clock.
160
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,070
And there's you.
161
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,589
-Come on. Let's sit down.
-Okay.
162
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,437
Big problem.
163
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,877
There's six chairs and five of us.
164
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,996
Well, maybe one of us
will show up again later.
165
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,239
Oh, gosh.
166
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,959
You guys, this is so much fun.
167
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,476
You know, l think we should have
a five-year reunion every year.
168
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,311
Look at all these losers.
169
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:15,109
To think that l slept with
every guy in this room.
170
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,188
What was l thinking that night?
171
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,838
Oh, my God.
172
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,873
Hang on to your thigh cream, girls,
prime veal at 4 o'clock.
173
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,758
Where?
174
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,229
No, no, guys. There.
175
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,511
He is cute.
176
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,637
lf l wasn't rocking
Bud's world tonight...
177
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,274
...l'd be wearing him
like a wet retainer.
178
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,393
You guys. You guys.
He's coming this way. Act cool.
179
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,232
He looks important.
180
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,590
Think l can nonchalantly
get my underwear off...
181
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,233
...by the time he gets here?
182
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,837
You're wearing underwear?
183
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,948
You really have changed.
184
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,200
Hi, girls. Remember me?
185
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,475
Aren't you the guy who was standing
over there just a couple minutes ago?
186
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,110
Maybe l can refresh your memory.
Does the Hancock tower ring a bell?
187
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,477
No, but l think there's a time
and temperature sign up there.
188
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,632
Although l can never figure out
which is which.
189
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,875
l can. l watched it go down
to minus 1 0 degrees...
190
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,590
...that New Year's Eve you stood me up.
l'm Eric '' Nine Toes'' Waters.
191
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,590
Eric Waters?
192
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,159
God, you....
193
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,793
You look so different.
194
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,238
lt's amazing how your looks
can improve with nice clothes...
195
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,278
...contact lenses,
and 1 0 million dollars.
196
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,275
Ten million dollars?
197
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,635
Oh, my God, he's the ex-husband
of my dreams.
198
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,829
Look, you guys. Look at all the loser
things Eric used to do in high school.
199
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,676
Computer club.
200
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,433
Future businessman of America.
201
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,797
Look, class valedictator.
202
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,911
Who would've thought
that a geek like that...
203
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,758
...would've ended up successful?
204
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,837
Hey, Kelly, you thinking
what l'm thinking?
205
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,116
Why don't things fall up?
206
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,634
No.
207
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,836
l'm thinking we should
have a contest.
208
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,508
A duel for Eric's affections.
209
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:41,988
You're on.
210
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,879
-Fine.
-Okay. Chose your weapons.
211
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,157
Damn, l knew l should have brought
my wet T-shirt.
212
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,638
Okay, l'll tell you what we'll do.
213
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,155
-We'll use the move at 40 paces.
-Fine.
214
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,516
-Fine, go ahead.
-Okay.
215
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,355
All right. Move over.
216
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,434
You've seen the rest,
now check out the best.
217
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,357
Wow, he ignored
both of their moves.
218
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,876
Yeah, it's like he's deaf
or something.
219
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,349
This has never happened before.
220
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,068
We need advice
from an expert on rejection.
221
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,709
-Can l have this dance?
-For the 1 5th time:
222
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,795
ls this a cool hickey or what?
223
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,515
lt's much better than
the ones you make at home...
224
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,478
...with the Dustbuster.
225
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,559
Bud...
226
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:15,555
...with these braces l could make
a hickey that would never heal.
227
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,757
Look, Bud, Kelly and l
can't get anywhere with Eric Waters.
228
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,952
You're somebody who keeps
trying even though he gets rejected...
229
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,833
...you know, time after time
after time after time--
230
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,640
Yeah, l get the point.
231
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,516
Okay. We need to get through to Eric.
What should we do?
232
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,159
Look, before you do anything...
233
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,233
...l'll go talk to him.
l'll see if there's any hope at all.
234
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,833
l'll go with you, Bud.
235
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,640
No. You stay here.
236
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,474
l'd rather admire you
from across the room.
237
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,870
Way, way across the room.
238
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:55,513
All right. Al, right hand blue.
239
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:02,348
What is it about this game
that's so sexy?
240
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,750
I'm touching Peg's rear...
241
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,117
...and for once it feels pretty good.
242
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,794
I feel someone touching my rear.
243
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,992
I think it's Al.
244
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,789
He's not as strong as Marcie,
but he knows what I lik e.
245
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,038
I love all these hands
groping my tush.
246
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:30,558
This game is just lik e sex
except I have a partner.
247
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,037
I hate this game.
248
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:39,038
No one's touching my rear,
and it's way, way up in the air.
249
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,028
Oh, and they have us neutered.
250
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,639
-Kelly, l need to talk to you for a sec.
-But--
251
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,872
Okay, but just don't touch me.
252
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:23,357
Look, l talked to Eric,
and he really likes you.
253
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,193
He does?
254
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,159
Oh, my God.
255
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,437
-He wants to meet you alone.
-He does?
256
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,235
Now, he's drawn this map
so you know where to go.
257
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,313
Be there in an hour
and don't tell anyone.
258
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,198
Even you?
259
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,997
Yeah, yeah, especially me.
260
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,037
l can never know.
261
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,477
Oh, thank you so much, Bud.
l owe you bigtime.
262
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,194
l'm not gonna, like, pay you
or anything, but l owe you.
263
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,315
-Ashley, l need to talk to you for a sec.
-Okay.
264
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,437
Just don't touch me.
265
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:13,195
Look, Eric told me
he really likes you.
266
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,714
He does?
267
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,074
He wants to meet you alone
under the bleachers.
268
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,754
You know, back where they retired
your number.
269
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,237
Thanks, Bud.
And l want you to know...
270
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,710
...out of all the nerd boys
l humiliated...
271
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,990
...you cried the best.
272
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,308
Thanks. l'll remember that.
273
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,269
You just remember,
under the bleachers, 1 5 minutes.
274
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,112
Okay, got it.
275
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:45,434
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi.
276
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,276
How many Mississippis are there
in 1 5 minutes?
277
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,559
Thanks, Eric.
l had a really good time.
278
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,109
Right back at you.
279
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,956
Nerd girl.
280
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,915
Well, we sure got our revenge.
281
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,995
Well, l certainly got mine.
282
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,197
l still don't know
what yours was, though.
283
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,908
Where did that map lead to
you gave Kelly?
284
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:45,156
Twenty thousand, two hundred
and thirty Mississippi.
285
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,834
Twenty thousand, two hundred...
286
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,555
...and thirty-one Mississippi.
287
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:56,632
God, that Bottoms Up was great.
288
00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,911
We should do that every night.
289
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,957
Right, Al?
290
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,591
lsn't that typical.
291
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,071
He falls asleep,
and l wanna play again.
292
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,792
Have you seen my Mr. Potato Head?
l can't find him anywhere.
293
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,793
Gee, l think l saw Jefferson
with it a minute ago.
294
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,835
Oh, look up in the sky.
295
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,470
lt's a bird. lt's a plane.
296
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,995
lt's Mr. Potato Head?
297
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,709
l'm starting to get the feeling
that Eric's not gonna show up.
298
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,190
Bud is gonna pay for this.
299
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:53,274
Oh, it was a mighty fine day
in the life of Bud Bundy.
300
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,589
Well, l guess l'd better find me
a ride home.
301
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,313
-What?
-lt's hickey time.
302
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,232
No. No, no!1
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,193
Look, J.B.
You see, l'm a reasonable man.
2
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,795
See, if you
don't give my client this audition...
3
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,753
...l'm gonna have to have 1 00 roses
delivered to your wife...
4
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,678
...in your girlfriend's name.
5
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,994
Thanks, babe.
l knew you'd see my way.
6
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,714
Hey. What is it?
Did you get me an audition?
7
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,793
You?
8
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:48,797
No, no, no, no.
l've discovered a major new talent.
9
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,075
l'll give you a hint.
10
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,874
He just peed on the D'Arcys' roses.
11
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,393
Dad?
12
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,279
No.
13
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,754
Lucky.
14
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:07,557
Yeah, but isn't it unprofessional
for agents to date their clients?
15
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:13,235
That's very funny,
Million Man March.
16
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,031
lt's a dog food commercial.
17
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,754
Now, all Lucky has to do
is learn a few simple tricks...
18
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,076
...and pretend to like the stuff.
19
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,469
No problem.
I lick your face and pretend to lik e you.
20
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,792
Gee, Al, l've never heard of
a three-day funeral.
21
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,673
Per chance you don't remember
our honeymoon?
22
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,076
Yes. Something certainly died
back then.
23
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,317
Unfortunately, it never got buried.
24
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,997
l just want you
to look me in the face...
25
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,237
...and tell me
that you are not going fishing.
26
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,953
Peg, l lie about a lot of things.
27
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,152
Who l'm married to, who my kids are.
28
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,155
What that smell was.
29
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:16,036
But l would never ever lie
about Aunt Betty's funeral.
30
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,470
l thought you said it was Aunt Nell.
31
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,148
lt's a double funeral, Peg.
32
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,997
Which is why it's gonna take
three days or four if they're biting--
33
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,795
l mean crying.
34
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,956
Okay, Al...
35
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,519
...you ready to go fishing?
36
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,995
What Jefferson means, Peg,
is that the family said:
37
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:45,115
'' ln lieu of bringing flowers
we should all bring fish.''
38
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,990
Let's go, Jefferson. No. No, Al.
39
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,919
No, my days as a cad
and a bounder are over.
40
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,918
l feel very strongly that you
should never lie to your wife...
41
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,714
...and for one very good reason.
42
00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,635
And what was it again, Marcie?
43
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,070
A lie may give you
temporary pleasure...
44
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,158
...but honesty will bring you
happiness at the end of the day.
45
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,636
And l was so happy that Jefferson
told me the truth about his trip...
46
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,991
...that l've given him
something very special.
47
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:16,113
Nobody wants to hear
about your filthy chicken love.
48
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,677
No, Al. Marcie gave me
this new telephoto lens for my camera.
49
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,233
Look. Trust me, Al.
50
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,557
l know honesty goes against
everything we guys stand for...
51
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,957
...but women eat it up.
52
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,596
All right. l'll give it a shot.
53
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:40,598
Peg, l'm going to be honest with you.
l'm going fishing this weekend.
54
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,997
And every Saturday
when l take the garbage out...
55
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,040
...l throw away one of your shoes.
56
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,193
Well, you know, Al,
l'm gonna be honest with you too.
57
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,834
l knew you were going fishing.
58
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,235
And at night when you're sleeping...
59
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,671
...l pluck out your hairs
so you'll bald faster.
60
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,835
Oh, God, l love this place, Al.
61
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,713
lt was a stroke of genius
having me cash in Marcie's lRA...
62
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,434
...to pay for this luxury vacation.
63
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,869
Jefferson, would you stop taking
pictures so we can enjoy this place.
64
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:39,478
Jefferson, would you start taking
pictures so we can enjoy this place.
65
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,356
We're your Swedish masseuses.
66
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,676
-l'm Helga.
-And l'm lnga.
67
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,348
And l'm Alga.
68
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,390
And l'm gaga.
69
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,998
-May we carry your bags?
-Yes.
70
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,953
May we carry yours?
71
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,754
Yeah, sure.
72
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:07,748
Jefferson, we died and went
to the land of milk and honeys.
73
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,634
Mr. Bundy and Mr. D'Arcy.
74
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,991
l'm Randolph the innkeeper, and
l've been trying to get ahold of you.
75
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,919
There's been a slight change
in your cabin assignment.
76
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,269
What's the change?
77
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,311
You don't have one.
78
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,515
That's okay,
we'll bunk in with Helga and lnga.
79
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,109
Yeah, sure.
80
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:34,436
Helga, lnga, you're late
for topless happy hour.
81
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,756
Yeah, sure.
82
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,672
Hey, look. You can't bump us.
83
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,314
See, we made our reservation
over a year ago.
84
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,988
Oh, so you did.
85
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,237
Let me explain something.
86
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,876
You're nobodies
and you had a reservation.
87
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,640
Shannon Tweed is a famous actress.
88
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,673
She didn't have a reservation.
89
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,029
Explanation over.
90
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,713
Shannon Tweed?
91
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,797
Star of Night Eyes II,
Night Eyes Three...
92
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,231
...and every fantasy l've ever had
since l got cable?
93
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,512
You know, Shannon Tweed got me
through many a long lonely night...
94
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,711
...of sex with Marcie.
95
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,590
Oh, Randolph?
96
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,478
Yes, Ms. Tweed.
97
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,831
Are those the two gentlemen
that had reservations for my cabin?
98
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,917
-Yes, Ms. Tweed.
-Oh, good.
99
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,236
l did so want to meet them.
100
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,671
l told you
she'd straighten this thing out...
101
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,270
...just like she straightened out
Andrew Stevens in Night Eyes Three.
102
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,389
Yeah. Well, just as l thought.
103
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,874
A mangy shoe salesman...
104
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:47,231
...and a chronically unemployed
aging pretty boy.
105
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,432
Have them thrown off
the property immediately.
106
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,833
Jeez, l can't believe she said that.
107
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,918
Me either. Aging?
108
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,552
Now, Redford, that's aging.
109
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,637
Now, gentlemen.
110
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,150
Just to show you
l'm not entirely without feeling...
111
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,588
...here's your deposit back.
112
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,759
Oh, and here are
your complementary mints.
113
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,236
l suggest Mr. Bundy have them both.
114
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,390
And you have exactly two minutes
to get off the premises.
115
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,192
Good day.
116
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,911
Well, who the hell
does he think he is?
117
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,792
He can't throw us out of here.
118
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,276
Well, l'm afraid he can, Al.
119
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,437
Private property.
120
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,632
l'll show him some private property.
121
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:55,755
Lucky...
122
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,350
...if you're gonna be in this commercial
you're gonna have to learn to sit.
123
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:00,879
Now, sit.
124
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,550
l'll never teach this dog how to sit.
125
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,110
What am l gonna have to do? Beg?
126
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,233
Hey.
127
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,720
Kelly, l cannot get this dog
to do what l want him to do.
128
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,195
Well, maybe you need a rubber dog.
129
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,714
Here, let me try.
l'll show him by example.
130
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,638
All right, Lucky, sit.
131
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,717
Kelly, please.
That's never going to work.
132
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,990
l've already tried doing all that--
133
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,031
Come on, Lucky. Let's go outside
and l'll teach you some more tricks.
134
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,073
Give me a bone with some meat on it,
I'll jump over the house.
135
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:55,030
So getting bumped from the fishing
cabin wasn't all that bad, was it, Al?
136
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,470
Well, nothing drowns
your sorrows better...
137
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,877
...than a three-day binge
at the nudie bar.
138
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:07,235
Wow, look at this picture
l took of the lake.
139
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,279
Here's the lodge.
140
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,789
Here's a nudie bar.
141
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,677
Wait a second, Jefferson. We didn't
take any pictures of the nudie bar.
142
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,557
Hey, you're right.
And the nudie bar isn't in the woods...
143
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:24,311
...and it doesn't have Shannon Tweed
and Randolph in the hot tub.
144
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,875
Holy Moses, Jefferson.
Do you know what this means?
145
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,038
Yeah. Cosby's right.
Kodak paper does make a difference.
146
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,670
Not that, you idiot.
147
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,110
lt's payback time.
148
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:40,392
Nobody bumps us, baby.
149
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,435
Shannon Tweed is about
to get bumped herself...
150
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,713
...right on to the front page
of the National Enquirer.
151
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,952
Yes.
152
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,351
Boy, look at this picture
of Shannon Tweed.
153
00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,154
Jefferson, isn't she a babe?
154
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,351
Oh, come on, Al.
155
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,348
l'll bet our wives,
in this beautiful mountain setting...
156
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:11,873
...with the steam rising up off
the hot tub would look just as good.
157
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,354
No way.
158
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,197
No way.
159
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,194
Jefferson...
160
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,437
...how much do you think this picture
of Shannon Tweed is worth...
161
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,153
...to the tabloids?
162
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:27,998
Well, let's see.
163
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,830
Your typical celebrity nude photo
brings in, oh, say, upwards of $1 000.
164
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:38,876
But, see, in this case it's a celebrity
doing the humpty dance with the help.
165
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,117
That's gotta fetch at least $1 0,000.
166
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:51,076
You see, but Jefferson, even though
we did get bumped from our cabin...
167
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,875
...but l mean, this is a little
heartless and cold even for us.
168
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,193
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Al.
169
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,756
You know, the honest thing to do
would be just throw this away...
170
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,678
...and pretend like it never happened.
171
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,872
-You got it.
-All right. Just--
172
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,195
Well, you feel better
about yourself now?
173
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,833
Much.
174
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,794
l'll see you later, buddy. You know,
l think since Peg's not home--
175
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,117
Peg's not home it's probably safe
to go up and take a little nap.
176
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:27,475
Well, Marcie is home so l think
l'll go back to the nudie bar.
177
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,353
-Later, buddy.
-Back at you, pal of mine.
178
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,316
-You the man.
-Oh, no.
179
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,072
No, no. You the man.
180
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,113
Next.
181
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,788
How dare you reject my dog!
182
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,549
He's Eddie on Frasier, you know?
183
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,955
Ma'am, Eddie is
a Jack Russell Terrier.
184
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,958
You're mutt is a near-blind bulldog.
185
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,717
Well, he looks different in person.
186
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,911
You're in the business.
187
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,475
You know
the camera adds 1 5 pounds.
188
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:21,229
And so will those donuts you stuffed
in your purse during the audition.
189
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:22,714
Now, get out.
190
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,430
Let's go, Eddie.
191
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,791
Jeez, you'd think there'd be
one half-starved mongrel in this town...
192
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,355
...who could make it through
this obstacle course.
193
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,675
Lucky can do it.
194
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,111
Oh, yeah? l suppose he plays Murray
on Mad About You?
195
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,350
Oh, no. He hates Paul Reiser.
196
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,596
ln that case l'll give him a shot.
197
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:47,158
Hungry Puppy dog food audition
number 207 3, take one.
198
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,070
Now, run the course.
199
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,719
Come on, Lucky.
200
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,638
Just get into character.
201
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,434
Be a hungry puppy.
202
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,676
Oh, there's a stretch.
203
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,708
Come on, Lucky.
204
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,718
Don't you want to be in the commercial
and make lots of money?
205
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,356
Oh, I know how this works. I get
in the commercial, you get the money...
206
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:13,314
...I end up sharing a jail cell
with the cast of Diff'rent Strokes.
207
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,999
-Next.
-No, wait, wait.
208
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,317
He can do it, l promise.
He just needs a little motivation.
209
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,556
Just watch and follow me.
210
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,878
Come on.
211
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,719
l love hungry puppy. Come on, say it.
212
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,595
Well, that was great.
213
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,028
The auditions are over.
214
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,515
We have our hungry puppy.
215
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,832
Thank you. There you go.
Have a seat.
216
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,951
Thanks very much.
217
00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,038
Attention, media whores--
218
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,870
l mean esteemed members
of the press.
219
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,311
The auction for the Shannon Tweed
hot tub photo is about to begin.
220
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,988
-Show us the goods then.
-Show us the stuff first.
221
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,998
All right, all right. All in good time.
222
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,077
Before l get
to the main event however...
223
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:20,195
...l would like to start with a genuine
picture of the Loch Ness monster.
224
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,755
-Let's see. Come on, show us.
-You gotta be kidding.
225
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,155
My God, Al, that's horrific.
What the hell is it?
226
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,033
lt's a picture of Peg's mom
in the bathtub.
227
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,916
l don't see a bathtub in there.
228
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,554
Trust me, Jefferson,
it's under there somewhere.
229
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,873
That's not the Loch Ness monster.
He's not that big.
230
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,432
So what? We'll slap Roseanne's head
on it and say she lost weight.
231
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,279
-l'll give you 50 bucks.
-Sold.
232
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:50,268
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the main event.
233
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,995
Shannon Tweed as you
have never seen her before.
234
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,715
-Now, we will start the bidding at--
-One thousand dollars.
235
00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:59,114
l got a $1 000 here.
236
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,311
-Do l hear more?
-Three thousand.
237
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:05,229
Oh, come on. You pay twice that much
for Brett Butler pulling out her wedgie.
238
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,351
Come on.
239
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,915
-l'll give you 5000.
-Make it 1 0.
240
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,953
Ten thousand dollars here.
We have $1 0,000 going once...
241
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,639
...1 0,000 going twice...
242
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,833
...so close to a sale.
243
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,234
Make it 1 2.5.
244
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,829
Jefferson, keep the fleecing going.
lf l'm not back...
245
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,636
...you send my mail to King Al,
hammock one, lsle of Yap.
246
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,714
Okay, 1 2.5, right?
247
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,997
Shannon Tweed here in my house?
248
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,239
Mr. Bundy, l know you're gonna
find this hard to believe...
249
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:47,877
...but l came by to apologize
for the way l treated you at the lodge.
250
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:52,229
Well, l-- Apology accepted.
l gotta go now. Bye.
251
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,556
Oh, no. Mr. Bundy, wait.
252
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,191
Look. You know,
being a famous actress...
253
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,995
...l guess l've gotten used
to having my own way...
254
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,988
...and, well, l might have forgotten
that other people have feelings too.
255
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,033
But without those people
l'm not a famous star.
256
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,357
l'm just an average woman.
257
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,917
With way-above-average hooters.
258
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:24,119
Well, thank you.
God and Dr. Markowitz have been kind.
259
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,869
Anyway, l felt so bad
after l got home, that l--
260
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:32,709
l talked it over with my shrink,
my herbalist...
261
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,833
...the counter boy at Starbucks,
and they all agreed.
262
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,634
''Shannon, you're a taker,'' they said.
263
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,831
''You've got to start giving.''
264
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,271
Well, you were giving pretty good
in that shower scene...
265
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,789
...in Indecent Behavior.
266
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,116
Well, thank you but that was acting.
267
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,719
This is real.
268
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,309
lf l only knew
that l've reached you in some way...
269
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,954
...l'd feel so much better
about myself.
270
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,031
Oh, you've reached me.
271
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,037
Oh, God, you're so sexy.
272
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,754
-lf you weren't married--
-Oh, l'm not married.
273
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,509
No, l live alone with
my redheaded mother.
274
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,997
What am l talking about?
275
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:23,352
There l go, selfishly giving in
to my insatiable lust for you.
276
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,313
lnsatiable lust?
277
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,758
-For me?
-Oh, yeah.
278
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,555
Well, that's understandable. You know,
l played a little high school ball.
279
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,989
lt really shows.
280
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,515
Shannon...
281
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,757
...you may not understand
what l'm about to do...
282
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:47,751
...but always remember
that l do this for you.
283
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,034
Al, what are you doing
with that envelope?
284
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,158
Did you swallow that whole thing?
285
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,873
Yep.
286
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,875
lt looked like
there was a photograph in it.
287
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,879
Yeah.
288
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,033
Of me in a hot tub?
289
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,471
Yeah.
290
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,677
You blue-collared...
291
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,714
...brown-panted, shoe-selling yokel.
292
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:28,311
Despite what Siskel and Ebert say
l am quite an accomplished actress...
293
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,318
...as you've so clearly
demonstrated today.
294
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,875
So the next time
you want to see me in a hot tub...
295
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,435
...you rent my upcoming
straight-to-video classic...
296
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,870
...Ernest Pays for Sex.
297
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,116
And don't forget to rewind.
298
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:58,552
Al. Al, l got them up to 25,000.
299
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,911
Now, l think we should make
like Waterworld and close immediately.
300
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,591
l'm choking.
301
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,199
Well, why are you joking?
302
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,278
-l said l'm choking.
-Oh, you're choking.
303
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,755
Okay, let me help you out.
304
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,955
There. Did you swallow
what was stuck in your throat?
305
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,754
-Yes, Jefferson. l did.
-Good, you're not choking anymore.
306
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,679
No, no. But you are.
307
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,638
Come on.
308
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:34,873
So how was the hospital?
309
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,752
Any luck getting the negative out?
310
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,430
No, Al's stomach acid dissolved it.
311
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,277
But they did find three quarters
of a commemorative Slim Jim...
312
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,233
...leftover from Super Bowl Xll.
313
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,399
That's what l've been tasting
all these years.
314
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,878
Well, despite losing the 25,000 and
the cost for the visit to the hospital...
315
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,638
...and the vintage Slim Jim....
316
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,910
On the bright side is
whenever you're down...
317
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,112
...there's always TV
to pick you back up.
318
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:04,715
Hey, everybody. Listen.
319
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,195
The Hungry Puppy commercial
is gonna come on.
320
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,879
Is your puppy hungry?
321
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,389
Then get him
Hungry Puppy dog food.
322
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,319
The only food that puppies prefer
to their own tails.
323
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:20,395
If doggy's nose is dry
And his tongue is black
324
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,115
And his ribs are showing
Through his back
325
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,029
Give him Hungry Puppy
A bite or two
326
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,676
And your starving mutt
Will be good as new
327
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,634
Give him Hungry Puppy
A bite or two
328
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:40,391
And your starving mutt
Will be good as new
329
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,238
l mean:
330
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,749
l love Puppy Hungry.
331
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,349
That's '' Hungry Puppy.''
332
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,154
Yeah, what he said.
333
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,116
Hungry Puppy
Hungry Puppy
334
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,675
Hungry Puppy1
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,039
Oh, Al...
2
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,113
...you even brushed your teeth.
3
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,515
Hey, you're not Al.
4
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,676
Yeah, and you're no Mars bar.
5
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:45,078
A fat woman creatured her way
into the shoe store today.
6
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,999
Let me guess, Al.
7
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,276
She sat down,
and then she couldn't get up?
8
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,353
No, Peg. That would be you.
9
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,553
Oh, honey. l can get up,
but why would l?
10
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,514
To give the cushions a breather.
11
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,352
Anyway, this three-times-a-lady...
12
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,279
...told me that
the Kyoto National Bank...
13
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,353
...was buying a new football
scoreboard for Polk High.
14
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:15,469
-Oh, much better than a new library.
-That's exactly what l said.
15
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:17,718
But the best part is, Peg...
16
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,552
...they're dedicating it...
17
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,194
...to the most famous
Polk High football legend.
18
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:26,194
A hint:
Four touchdowns in one game.
19
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,998
-You?
-Well, it's not official yet...
20
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,233
...but who else went to Polk scored
four times in one game besides you?
21
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,271
Al, why do you think you'd win?
22
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:43,110
l mean, Marcie works at the Kyoto Bank
and she hates you more than l do.
23
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:47,069
Oh, hold on, now, Peg.
Marcie and l have a lot in common.
24
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,310
Wrong house.
25
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,274
We both live on the same side
of the street. Both married deadbeats.
26
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,995
l eat chicken. She is one.
27
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,198
Dad, she's had you arrested
over 20 times...
28
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,908
...and you call her
''the little neighbour boy.''
29
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,592
Pet name. Listen, Bud.
30
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,832
l want you to go over there
and pick up that unsightly trash...
31
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,632
...that's accumulating on her yard.
32
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,236
Dad, you threw it there.
33
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,875
You wanna talk to me
a little bit outside?
34
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,553
Fine.
35
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,436
Just do it.
36
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,553
Didn't l tell you to--
37
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,839
That you are the most attractive,
vibrant woman l have ever seen.
38
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,312
Wrong house.
39
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,029
He thinks you're here
about the scoreboard.
40
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,955
-Well, as a matter of fact, l am.
-l told you, Peg.
41
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,472
The nominating committee...
42
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,990
...wants to dedicate the new
Polk High football scoreboard...
43
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,031
...to you, Al.
44
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,315
What a surprise.
45
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:03,799
Well, before you brush off
your good underwear...
46
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,951
...there is still one obstacle
that lies between you...
47
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,350
...and the eternal happiness
you seek.
48
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,353
You heard her, Peg. Get out.
49
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,192
Not her, Al.
50
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,839
Me.
51
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,954
You know, Marcie,
l used to call you a chicken...
52
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,474
...but in this light...
53
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,116
...you look more like
the stately peacock.
54
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:28,959
Save it.
55
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,794
l told that committee
that there had to be...
56
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,634
...a better football player
that came out of Polk.
57
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,440
So they've given me 24 hours
to find one.
58
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,797
They can give you 24 lifetimes,
and a new set of tail feathers.
59
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,270
You'll never be able to find
a better one.
60
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,548
Maybe so.
61
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,553
But l will not rest
until someone else's name...
62
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,990
...is on that scoreboard.
63
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,157
l finished cleaning up
the D'Arcys' yard.
64
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,278
-Where you want me to put this?
-Put it back where you found it.
65
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,231
Before you throw it over the fence,
light it on fire.
66
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,710
Here, Mr. D'Arcy.
Here are all the yearbooks...
67
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,036
...from my senior years
in high school.
68
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,956
Well, thanks, Kelly. So far we found
only one football player...
69
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,072
...in Polk High history who can hold
a candle to your father.
70
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:32,799
He's trying to reach him now.
71
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,679
Yeah, is Scooter MacPhee there?
72
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,840
He is not? He's where?
73
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,640
Leavenworth? That's great.
74
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,914
l mean, it's great that he's off
the streets. Bye-bye.
75
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,076
Jefferson, he killed
a whole mess of people.
76
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,595
He won't be out for months.
77
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,874
That scoreboard is mine.
78
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,397
Congratulations.
79
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,278
Oh, Daddy, this is so great.
80
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,956
lt's kind of like a real father
getting a promotion.
81
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:04,634
Only better, pumpkin.
82
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,150
Because l may not have a lot of money
or a job l can stand...
83
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,755
...or people l wanna come home to...
84
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,355
...but now l'm going to have
a scoreboard...
85
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,113
...that proudly bears my name.
86
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,555
See, that's my legacy, pumpkin.
87
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,997
And when l'm gone,
and l hope it's soon...
88
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,233
...you can look up and say,
''That fine-looking scoreboard...
89
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,557
-...is dedicated to--''
-Terry Bradshaw.
90
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,631
Terry Brad--
91
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,711
Terry Bradshaw?
92
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,793
l never had no nickname
Terry Bradshaw.
93
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,350
Not you, you chin strap.
94
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:46,115
l mean Super Bowl champion
and Hall of Fame quarterback...
95
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,032
...Terry Bradshaw.
96
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,759
What are you talking about?
97
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,831
Terry Bradshaw
never went to Polk High.
98
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,390
He did for two months in 1 965.
99
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,032
Just long enough
to join the chess club...
100
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,630
...and play Glinda
in The Wizard of Oz.
101
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:08,715
That is Bradshaw, right between
that munchkin and Dorothy.
102
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:09,949
Look at that.
103
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,915
Why are you doing this
to me, Marcie?
104
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:18,075
Because God's on vacation,
and he asked me to fill in.
105
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,676
Oh, don't worry, Al, we still want
you to come to the ceremony...
106
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,873
...and if you don't mind,
would you wear this T-shirt?
107
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,554
lt would be an inspiration
to all the students.
108
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,315
Daddy, this is an outrage.
109
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,872
This is just like the time
that Odie stole Garfield's lasagne.
110
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,235
Now, he earned that lasagne,
and you earned that scoreboard.
111
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:51,668
Do you know what?
112
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,031
All he had for dinner
was cold cat food.
113
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,717
l don't want that
to happen to you, Daddy.
114
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,480
l'm gonna go out there
and get that scoreboard for you...
115
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,234
...and nothing is gonna stand
in my way.
116
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,757
We're trapped.
117
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:15,759
Watch this, Jefferson.
118
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,148
Push, sweetheart.
119
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,637
Thank you, Daddy. Gotta go.
120
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,791
Quiet on the set.
121
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,399
And action.
122
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,992
l'm Terry Bradshaw
for Kyoto National Bank.
123
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,552
Give me a K, give me a Y,
give me an O-T-O.
124
00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:01,078
-And what does it spell?
-l have no idea.
125
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,551
Cut!
126
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,991
lt spells '' Kyoto,''
you home entertainment centre.
127
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,552
l'm sorry, Terry. l'll get another girl
down here who can spell.
128
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,430
-You do, l'm walking.
-Alrighty.
129
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,076
We're on a five.
130
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,709
Terry, l'll get makeup in here
to give you a touchup.
131
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,393
Excuse me for a few minutes.
132
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,359
l've got a lot to do
before tomorrow's dedication...
133
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,878
...and unlike you, l don't have anyone
on the sidelines calling in the plays.
134
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,757
l called my own plays.
135
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,353
That was Staubach.
136
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,558
l beat him in the Super Bowl twice.
137
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,271
Brad Clayshaw?
138
00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,911
Terry Bradpitt?
139
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,119
Hey, Mr. Football-Star-Guy.
140
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,231
Hi, l'm Kelly.
141
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,199
-l'm your makeup artist.
-Well, what happened to Christy?
142
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,193
Well, she's a little tied up right now.
143
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,712
-What happened to your arm?
-Oh, l broke my wrist.
144
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:19,431
No, no, no. The other one,
it's so much smaller and frecklier.
145
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,477
So you must be really honoured having
this entire field named after you, huh?
146
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:30,030
Well, l am but, l mean,
l'm not sure l deserve it.
147
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,154
l only went to Polk High
for two months.
148
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,631
l mean, l never even put on
a football uniform.
149
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,278
You played naked?
150
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,630
Maybe you do deserve this.
151
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,235
Actually, l didn't play at all.
152
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,391
Oh, that's funny.
153
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,030
Because, see, my father, Al Bundy,
he did play for Polk High.
154
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,238
ln fact, he scored
four touchdowns in one game.
155
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,919
lt was the highlight of his life.
156
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,313
He got married. Had you.
157
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,760
Four touchdowns.
158
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,594
That's impressive.
159
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,628
Yeah, well, apparently not
to the Bank of Coyote.
160
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,912
See, my father gave everything
he had to Polk High...
161
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:17,835
...and if you look at him now,
you'll know that that's all he had.
162
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,230
Look, Mr. Shawshank...
163
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,476
...you're a big football star. l mean...
164
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,035
...you know what it's like
to win the big one.
165
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,158
My father never even won
the little one.
166
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,473
So will you please just let him
have this one stupid honour?
167
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,792
Stop, please. He can have it.
168
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,838
You mean it?
169
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,514
Absolutely. l mean, don't worry.
l'll take care of it.
170
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,719
Tomorrow at the dedication,
your daddy's gonna know...
171
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,678
...what it's like to win the big one.
172
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,552
Terry freaking Bradshaw.
173
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,311
How come quarterbacks
get all the glory?
174
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,710
He never scored four touchdowns
in one game.
175
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:13,552
Dad, you just need to watch some TV
and take your mind off Terry Bradshaw.
176
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,552
Oh, maybe you're right.
177
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,429
I'll tak e Terry Bradshaw
for a thousand, Alex.
178
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:23,798
Tonight on Family Matters,
Urk el finds his long-lost father...
179
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,434
... Terry Bradshaw.
180
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:31,595
Tonight on PBS, the Three Tenors
and Terry Bradshaw.
181
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,152
Oh, man.
182
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,233
You wouldn't believe
the traffic out there.
183
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,119
Between the ticker-tape parades,
the autograph hounds...
184
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,311
...and the gorgeous babes
swooning for him...
185
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,795
...you'd think the pope was in town.
186
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,789
Let me guess. Terry Bradshaw.
187
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,031
You got it. Look,
he signed my sleeve.
188
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,032
Oh, yeah, he signed it.
189
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,430
Well, l guess Bradshaw
does need some happiness.
190
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,234
He only had those years
with the Steelers, endorsements...
191
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,476
-...the broadcasting career--
-Don't forget...
192
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,159
...those Cannonball Run movies...
193
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,113
-...he made with Mel Tillis.
-He got nominated for those.
194
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,833
Jefferson, the man won more
Super Bowls than l've had good days.
195
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,553
Now Marcie and her Hideo Nomo-loving
cronies down at the bank--
196
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,031
They wanna give him what's
rightfully mine. l can takes no more.
197
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,472
When a Bundy doesn't get
what is his...
198
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,636
...he makes sure
no one else gets it either.
199
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,996
l know now what we must do.
200
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,476
Kelly, this is where your father
used to do all his scoring.
201
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,030
Back in the prehistoric days
when we were dating.
202
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,034
When dinosaurs roamed the land
and not my bedroom.
203
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,470
Daddy, l am so glad
you decided to come.
204
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,518
l have a feeling you're gonna
get a big surprise later.
205
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,194
Oh, l'm sure someone will.
206
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,079
Hey, where's Bud?
He said he was gonna be here.
207
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,993
Oh, he's around here someplace.
208
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,758
Double-0 Shoe to Gold Digger,
do you read me?
209
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,671
Yeah, this is Gold Digger.
What's up, Al?
210
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,753
Code names, you idiot.
211
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:36,238
Sorry, Double-0 Shoe.
212
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,914
That's better.
213
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:42,391
Is Son of Frank enstein
down there with you?
214
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,479
Wait a sec. Can l please
have a better code name?
215
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,429
Okay. You be Gold Digger.
l'll be Son of Frankenstein.
216
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:54,355
Don't you mean
Bride of Frankenstein?
217
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,073
-Why, you little bolt-neck--
-Hey, don't touch me.
218
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,551
Focus, gentlemen. Focus.
219
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:06,597
We are on a mission that involves
precise timing and ruthless efficiency.
220
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,432
Now, l have checked the program...
221
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,752
...and determined
the optimum moment to strike...
222
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,072
...is when they play the fight song.
223
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,033
Al, you're not paying
any attention to me.
224
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,919
Well, l'm sorry, Peg.
You're looking quite...
225
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,390
...adequate today.
226
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,232
Oh, honey.
227
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,948
l can't wait to get you home and....
228
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,033
l always wanted to hear
a woman say that.
229
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,110
Just not my own mother.
230
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,999
Since Agent Orange
just breached my security...
231
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,800
...this is the last radio contact
we'll have.
232
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,157
We'll strike when they play
the school fight song.
233
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,870
Halfway through
there is a cymbal crash.
234
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,308
That is your cue.
235
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,596
-Do you read?
-Got it, Double-0.
236
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,717
Yeah, we're locked and loaded.
237
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,832
ls this on? ls this on?
238
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,399
lf you can hear me in the back,
please raise your hand.
239
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:21,918
l don't think that particular gesture
is appropriate...
240
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,992
...Al.
241
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,479
l'm Marcie D'Arcy,
and l'd like to welcome you all...
242
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:35,597
...on behalf of Kyoto National Bank...
243
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,756
...where, when you open
a savings account...
244
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,313
...we give you a free kimono.
245
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:43,711
Or a six-pack.
246
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:50,199
So without further ado, let's give
a traditional Polk High welcome...
247
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,755
...a big round of applause
for our honoured guest...
248
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,798
...Mr. Terry Bradshaw.
249
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:01,999
They're applauding.
250
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:06,153
Either Terry Bradshaw started speaking
or Mrs. D'Arcy stopped.
251
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,348
Well, it doesn't matter.
252
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:12,036
All we have to do is listen
for that cymbal crash.
253
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,513
Popcorn?
254
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,716
Don't mind if l do.
255
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,472
Purse?
256
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,795
So people often ask me...
257
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,833
...how l threw
what was considered by many...
258
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:45,757
...as the most famous pass of all time,
the immaculate reception.
259
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,234
l tell them, it was very much
like at my bachelor's party...
260
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:55,474
...where l just closed my eyes
and heaved.
261
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,040
Gee, Al, you're taking this
rather maturely.
262
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:07,353
Peg, l just figured it out that ultimately
everyone gets what they deserve.
263
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,672
Well, l'm sure
you'll get yours, Daddy.
264
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,876
You can say that again, pumpkin.
265
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:16,669
Well, l'm sure
you'll get yours, Daddy.
266
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,079
This award is truly a great honour...
267
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,471
...and that's why this scoreboard
should be dedicated to someone...
268
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:28,157
...that is as much a part
of Polk High football...
269
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:33,076
...as these bleachers or that goal post
or the low test scores.
270
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,874
What a blowhard.
271
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:42,792
That's why this scoreboard
can only be named after one man.
272
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,279
Al...
273
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:49,149
...'' Four touchdowns
in a single game'' Bundy!
274
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,515
Al, your name is on the scoreboard.
275
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:06,548
Oh, Peg. l'm a field.
276
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,758
Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.
277
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:16,912
Hey, hey, Bud, sounds like
they're chanting, '' Bundy, Bundy.''
278
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,152
Kelly probably just bent over
to pick up a quarter.
279
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,749
Hey, okay. There's the band.
280
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:34,597
Remember when we hear the cymbal,
we blow the scoreboard.
281
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,079
Oh, no.
282
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,429
No!
283
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,157
And in other news, hundreds
of organizations are claiming credit...
284
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,511
... for the bombing
of the Al Bundy scoreboard...
285
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,309
... including the National Organization
Of Women...
286
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,393
... the National Organization
of Fat Women...
287
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,359
...and the government of France.
288
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,758
Come on in.
289
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:50,953
Daddy...
290
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:55,079
...before Mr. Spamshank left...
291
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,716
...he wanted to talk to you.
292
00:20:58,360 --> 00:20:59,793
Al...
293
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,196
...l just wanted to say...
294
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,670
...that despite everything...
295
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,956
...l still respect you, man.
296
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,078
l mean, you are without a doubt...
297
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:14,359
...the greatest athlete
in Polk High history.
298
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,711
l mean, that incredible run
that you had today...
299
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,592
...just proved one thing to me, man.
300
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,998
That you could have been
a big star in the NFL.
301
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,470
l'll tell you something else, Al.
302
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,438
You're my MVP.
303
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,432
Push.
304
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,319
Now, l know that Daddy
can't see, but that...
305
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,472
...must have been
the new highlight of his life.
306
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,712
Oh, well, probably not.
307
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,394
He can't hear either.1
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,670
Margaret, l'm down
to my last bite of lunch.
2
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,195
Where the hell's my dinner?
3
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,668
Coming, Mom.
4
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:10,714
l'm just trying to add some fruit
to make sure you have a balanced diet.
5
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:18,558
Well, make it quick.
My stomach is starting to growl.
6
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,390
Hey, Bud, hurry up with that beer.
7
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,593
l don't think the foundation can hold
another one of Grandma's belly quakes.
8
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,632
She'll calm down soon. l put some
Valium in with the mixed nuts.
9
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,917
Hey, Grandma, pull it up
on the count of three. Okay?
10
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:41,630
-One, two--
-Hey, Grandma, hey!
11
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,991
Hey, kid, get off my ham.
12
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,152
Kelly!
13
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,998
Bud, if you wanna get from
Grandma's room to the basement...
14
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,634
...you should probably
use the stairs.
15
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,957
Hey, Peg.
16
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,835
You know what l was dreaming about
at work today?
17
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,873
Me, Al?
18
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,473
Yes, Peg.
19
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,829
-Was l in bed?
-Yes, you were.
20
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,953
ln fact, l tied you up.
21
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:30,076
Oh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al.
What were you doing?
22
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,231
Cindy Crawford.
23
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,949
Hey, Peg, where's my beer?
24
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,994
Maybe Cindy drank it.
25
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,916
Recycle those, please.
26
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,436
lsn't that great, Al?
She's trying to save the earth.
27
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,558
She is the earth, Peg.
28
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,269
Peg, l'm telling you...
29
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,631
...me and the floorboards
can't take any more of her.
30
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,071
Al, why are you so negative
about my mom?
31
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,471
l love her, and the kids
are thrilled that she's around.
32
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,553
Dad, we hate Grandma.
33
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,039
She must go.
34
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,191
That's it.
l'm calling a family meeting.
35
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,790
All in favour of getting rid
of Grandma raise your hands.
36
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,996
All opposed.
37
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,596
lt's unanimous, she goes.
38
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:30,918
Have a heart, Al.
39
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,588
lf it wasn't for Mom,
l wouldn't even be alive.
40
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,229
Look, the only way that you are getting
my mother out of this house...
41
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,954
...is if my daddy comes
and takes her home to Wanker.
42
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,158
Peg, l've asked that idiot
a million times to come take her back.
43
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,079
-He won't listen to me.
-Well, of course he won't.
44
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:53,676
Wanker elders
live by a very strict code.
45
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,150
'' Marry fat, marry family''?
46
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,436
No, Al. The code is:
47
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,070
''Only listen to someone
who is as much man as you are.''
48
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,231
So if you want Mom
out of this house...
49
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,432
...you are gonna have to find a way
to prove yourself to my dad.
50
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,238
Hey, wait, wait. l got an idea.
51
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,278
Now, what does Grandpa
love to do more than anything?
52
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,318
Stand by the roadside
and flash cars?
53
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,634
No, besides that. Go hunting.
54
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,879
Bud, will you come on?
You're slowing us down.
55
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:54,836
-Think you could help me out a bit?
-All right. Let me lighten your load.
56
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,751
This trail mix here,
now this is good stuff.
57
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,191
-You want some, Ephraim?
-No, no, no.
58
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,789
l always hunt on an empty stomach.
59
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,271
That way the alcohol hits you harder.
60
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,877
Well, what are we hunting today,
Ephraim?
61
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,951
Possum? Squirrel?
62
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,509
Some other one of your relatives?
63
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,638
No, Mr. Can't-Blow-His-Nose-
Without-A-Kleenex.
64
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,070
We are hunting bear.
65
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,639
Bear?
66
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,950
Call me stupid,
but why are we hunting bear?
67
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,589
Well, stupid...
68
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,638
...just asking them to kill themselves
doesn't seem to be working.
69
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,836
Dad, this is nuts.
70
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,430
lsn't there a nudie bar around Wanker
we could take him to prove we're men?
71
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:47,635
Son, there is.
72
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,673
But Wanker strippers are scarier
than anything in these woods.
73
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,238
Now, listen, son. l was raised
on the mean streets of Chicago.
74
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,634
Nothing scares me.
75
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:00,515
ln the darkest realm of night,
l've stared right in the face of hell...
76
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,116
...and l've said,
'' Peg, can't you get some sleep?''
77
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,351
So nothing scares me, boy.
78
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,831
You're right, Dad. You're right.
79
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,638
Let's go bag us a bear.
80
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,350
Let's show this country codger
what city smarts are all about.
81
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,355
Oh, l wouldn't venture
in there if l was you, boys.
82
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:24,352
Chill out, Grandpa, and make us a fire.
We're bringing home some dinner.
83
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:28,872
Judging from the way those branches
are broken, l'd say the bear is a--
84
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:33,678
-Oh, my God, we're gonna die!
-A bear! A bear!
85
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:46,919
l can't believe that worthless geezer
left us here on our own.
86
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,752
Well, to be fair, he left us a map.
87
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,675
Unfortunately,
it's a map of Epcot Center.
88
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,273
The important thing here, son,
is to get some rest.
89
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,556
First light, we'll find the car...
90
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,716
...we'll hit the road,
track Grandpa down...
91
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,751
...and turn him into road kill.
92
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,874
Good night, son.
93
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:20,838
Good night, Pop.
94
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,076
Jeez, it's lumpier
than sleeping with your mother.
95
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,432
How come you're so comfortable,
Bud?
96
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,516
Well, because l brought
an air mattress with me.
97
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,759
Dad.
98
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:04,589
l know we're city tough...
99
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,429
...and as an extra precaution
you hung your socks from the branch...
100
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,720
...but in case that bear
does come back...
101
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:14,918
...l just want you to know...
102
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,957
...l love you, man.
103
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,079
You're not getting my beer, Bud.
104
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,434
Now try and get some sleep.
105
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:32,117
l'd sleep a lot better if l knew
a little more about these woods.
106
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:33,713
Well, what's there to know?
107
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,919
You hid all the food from the bears
in your sleeping bag, didn't you?
108
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,439
Yeah, just like you told me.
109
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,759
Fine.
Then everything will be all right.
110
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,718
Good night, son.
111
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,239
Good night.
112
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,476
-What's that?
-Just an owl. Good night.
113
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,478
That's cool.
114
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,988
Just crickets, right?
115
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,033
That's right, nighty-night.
116
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,513
Good night.
117
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,750
Leave us alone!
118
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,071
Dad, l hit something.
119
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,072
l hit something.
120
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,317
-lt's a-- lt's a bear!
-lt's a bear!
121
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,636
-lt's a bear!
-lt's a big bear!
122
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,229
lt's dead. l killed a bear!
123
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,914
Son, do you realize
what this means?
124
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:17,516
This is an opportunity for us
to show Grandpa that we're men.
125
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,751
See, we track him down,
we show him the bear.
126
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,672
Then he's gotta take
Jabba the Hutt...
127
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,713
...back to that Star Wars bar
where she belongs.
128
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,039
Son, what are you doing with that?
129
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,715
Daniel Boone was a man
130
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,515
He was a big man
131
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,672
-Are we not men?
-We are manly men.
132
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,996
l can't wait to show Grandpa
what we got.
133
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,589
He's never gonna believe
we actually killed a bear.
134
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,836
Grandma Wank er was a woman
135
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,759
She was a big woman
136
00:11:55,120 --> 00:12:00,148
With the breath of a wino
And chins of a rhino was she
137
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,037
Daddy is gonna be so happy
we got him all this beer.
138
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,636
But l don't understand
why it cost 50 bucks.
139
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,474
Well, it was $20 for the beer...
140
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,872
...then there was the $30
that l tipped the clerk for carding me.
141
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,949
Hey, Mom, do you think
Dad's gonna be successful...
142
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,151
...getting Grandma
and Grandpa back together?
143
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,796
Yeah, l hope so.
They used to be so happy.
144
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,715
l mean, look. Here's a picture
of Grandpa on a seesaw.
145
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,236
Now, here's one of Grandma
getting on the seesaw.
146
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,473
Oh, and here's Grandpa flying
over the power lines.
147
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,717
-Oh, look, their wedding photos.
-Yeah.
148
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,196
There's Grandma taking the first bite
of the wedding cake...
149
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,557
...which also happened to be
the last bite of the cake.
150
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,115
Mom, do you think
that will ever happen to me?
151
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,912
What? Getting married?
152
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,197
No. Gaining 7 00 pounds.
153
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,237
Daniel Boone was a man
154
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,954
He was a big man
155
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,239
Look what we got.
156
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:10,359
Wow, cool, a wheelbarrow.
157
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,958
Oh, Daddy. Al did it.
158
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,720
-He convinced you he was a man.
-Yes, sir.
159
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,593
He proved to me
that he can tame wild animals...
160
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,031
...better than Siegfried and Roy
put together.
161
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:27,154
Which is a picture l'm trying
to get out of my head right now.
162
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,795
Peg, l killed him
with these bare hands.
163
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,590
Oh, Al.
164
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,719
l always knew that your feet
were lethal, but l had no idea.
165
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,959
Peg, Peg, please l've been
in the woods. l'm dirty enough.
166
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,520
Besides, Ephraim and l
had a little discussion...
167
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,631
...and he's decided to do something.
168
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,634
Margaret, l have come to pick up
my darling baby bride.
169
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,429
Oh, Daddy.
You really do miss her, don't you?
170
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,238
l do.
171
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:04,073
l wouldn't want to see her
in a bikini again, but l do miss her.
172
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,675
Yeah, that's why l've come...
173
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,156
...to hang a wide-load banner
on her backside and ride her on home.
174
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,676
Guys, we better get her packed
before Grandpa changes his mind.
175
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,438
Ephy, darling. ls that you?
176
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,229
Yeah, Mama.
l'm coming to free Willy.
177
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,354
Live bear.
178
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:38,878
Big live bear.
179
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,958
If I were Lassie, I'd bark real loud
and alert the family...
180
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:58,352
...but since I haven't been fed in weeks,
the hell with them.
181
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,753
Bye, bye, bear.
182
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,593
l guess that's
the last of the luggage.
183
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,070
l got the Fudgsicles here.
184
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,512
l got the Klondike bars.
185
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,228
l got the Eskimo Pies.
186
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,310
Well, l can hardly wait
to get the little woman home.
187
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:27,116
Yeah, you better leave
before her luggage melts.
188
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,511
Don't worry,
she'll have this scarfed down...
189
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,676
...before we get
to the end of the driveway.
190
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:37,190
Oh, Al, have you noticed something?
191
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,875
Big hairy animal.
192
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,868
Oh, darn, Bud. Thank you.
193
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,435
Peg, you got your hair done.
lt looks nice.
194
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,397
The bear is gone, Daniel Goon.
195
00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:00,956
Wait a minute, maybe Mr. He-Man,
didn't kill that bear after all.
196
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,758
Maybe he was just hibernating.
197
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,275
l know the difference
between hibernating and dead.
198
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,674
That bear was dead.
199
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,314
My wife is hibernating.
200
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,675
Hey, Marcie, did you see some guy
dragging off my dead bear?
201
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,276
He's not dead, you chucklehead.
202
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:26,434
He just violated my Mercedes.
203
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,596
How do you know?
204
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,998
Because we were in it.
205
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,590
-Marcie, are you okay?
-l'm all right.
206
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,037
A little in shock and a little jealous.
207
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,236
Jealous?
208
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:52,349
Well, you should have seen him
go and go and go and go.
209
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,638
Oh, my God, if a car could smile.
210
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,389
One thing l know for sure.
211
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:01,718
Tonight, Jefferson,
we're playing Buick and the Beast.
212
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,314
l don't know, Marcie.
l may need some counselling.
213
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,597
And l think you're gonna have to do
all the work for a while.
214
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,109
l'm not gonna do it....
215
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,316
Well, l'd like to hear a little more
about your menage bear...
216
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,519
...but Ephraim here has to forklift
his bride across the threshold.
217
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,159
Are you crazy?
218
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:26,075
Leave that horndog of a bear
rampaging this city?
219
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,033
Mama can wait.
We gotta track that bear down.
220
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,078
Hey, you guys,
l saw this documentary once...
221
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:37,633
...where the park ranger captured
the bear by putting out a picnic basket.
222
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:47,553
Kel, did this documentary perhaps
take place in Jellystone National Park?
223
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,555
Yeah. Did you see it too?
224
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,879
Well, since there's nobody here
who's man enough...
225
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,719
...l guess l'll have to track
that bear down myself.
226
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,837
Oh, and Al, promise me one thing.
227
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,359
lf anything happens to me...
228
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,233
...you take care of my bride
forever and ever.
229
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,910
Bud, get in the car.
We're going hunting again.
230
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,789
Hey, hey, Ephraim. Slow down.
231
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,712
We're not in the woods anymore.
232
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,077
What are you talking about?
Bear hunting is bear hunting.
233
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,472
Now, why don't you 1 0-fingered
nose-breathers just let me handle this.
234
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:44,514
All right? l can--
Wait a minute. There he is.
235
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,551
He's mine.
236
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,038
Pervert.
237
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,598
Get out of the way!
238
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,791
Beat it!
239
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,111
You know, something tells me
l'm not in Wanker anymore.
240
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,677
You can say that again.
This is the city, Ephraim, the big city.
241
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:15,358
My turf. Now, we're gonna
catch that bear my way.
242
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:35,629
Look.
243
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,671
The bear's been here.
244
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,034
Which direction did he go?
245
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,919
Dad, l think the guy
needs some help.
246
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,957
-Are you really stuck in there?
-Yeah.
247
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,917
He's close.
248
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,038
How can you tell?
249
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:16,273
Because no human could possibly
drink more then one Zima.
250
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,199
Hey, Dad, look, look, look.
251
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:26,028
Good evening, gentlemen.
l see you've met our friend.
252
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,150
Yogi's with us, man. So beat it.
253
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,238
-Yeah. Scram.
-Get lost, buddy.
254
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,236
Bud, hold my coat.
255
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,632
Hold our coats, Grandpa.
256
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,595
Oh, boy.
Al, why don't you let this one G-O?
257
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,594
There's plenty of other bears
in the W-O-D-S.
258
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,558
Ephraim.
259
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:52,755
My turf.
260
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,758
Any last words, punk?
261
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,389
Yeah, you're wife is good in bed.
262
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,876
So you're a liar too?
263
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,636
Go get them. Go get them.
264
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,871
Look out, Dad, over here.
265
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,556
Dad, look out. Look out.
266
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,672
-You all right?
-l'm all right, boy.
267
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,274
Wow, that was really something.
268
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,675
-Thanks, Ephraim.
-See you.
269
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,632
''See you''?
What do you mean, ''see you''?
270
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,632
We're going back
and collect your wife.
271
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,632
Oh, l'm not gonna do that, Al.
272
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,319
What do you mean not gonna do it?
273
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,795
Ephraim, didn't l prove to you
that l'm a real man?
274
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,798
Yeah, but you also proved
that l'm not one.
275
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,753
And until l can be a man
just like you...
276
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,430
...l don't deserve a little bride
like Mama.
277
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,428
Wait a second, Ephraim.
278
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,596
You're the most courageous man
l know.
279
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,751
Why, you've seen
that woman naked...
280
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,599
...and you're still around
to tell about it.
281
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:06,112
Hey, l seen her in a nightie one time,
my pupils are still dilated.
282
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:11,228
Those are kind words, Al,
but l know when l'm licked.
283
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,436
l'll come back for mama sometime.
284
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,275
ln the meantime, you just remember
she needs nine squares a day.
285
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,631
l knew we should have killed him
in the woods when we had the chance.
286
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,997
Wait a second.
Maybe all is not lost, look.
287
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,709
Well, that's good, son,
but we don't have any money.
288
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,520
l don't think we'll be needing any.1
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,148
Great, Carlos.
What time are you gonna come over?
2
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,989
There's no cinco on my watch.
3
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:33,515
Oh, 5.
4
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,711
Oh, okay! Okay, l'll see you then.
5
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,558
''Adidas.''
6
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,394
Hey, Bud. l need your help
with a date.
7
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,473
l'm not videotaping anything, Kel.
8
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,875
No, l'm finally going out with Carlos.
9
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,395
So, what, you need the Spanish
translation for '' it unhooks in back''?
10
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,232
No, l already know how to say that.
11
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,235
No, the problem is that his cousin
is coming in from the old country...
12
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,870
...and the only way that l can go out
with him is if my favourite brother...
13
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,675
...in the whole wide world
keeps Esmeralda company.
14
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,633
'' Esmeralda''?
15
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,950
Oh, that sounds promising.
16
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,192
Yeah, a lot of supermodels
are named Esmeralda.
17
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,358
Come on, Bud, Carlos is so hot.
18
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,994
Please, l will do anything.
19
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,430
That's public record, Kel.
20
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,477
Look, l'm not gonna dog-sit
Esmeralda.
21
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,193
l'll get you a date
with my friend Fawn.
22
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,598
Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on?
23
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,350
-That's the one.
-All right.
24
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,155
But she hates me.
25
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,473
Yeah, but she owes me
for going out with her goofy brother...
26
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,716
...who lives in the attic.
27
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,516
ln the attic? What a dork!
28
00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,229
Yeah, he'd be a lot cooler
if he lived in the basement like you.
29
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,390
Ain't gonna live no more
With no big, fat woman
30
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:10,474
Ain't gonna live no more
With no big, fat woman
31
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,837
Ain't gonna live no more
With no big, fat woman
32
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,390
Al, don't you think
you're jumping to conclusions?
33
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,717
All Dad said was that he's coming
over here with big news.
34
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,030
What could be bigger
than your mother?
35
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,434
ln captivity, that is?
36
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,033
That's probably Ephraim now.
37
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,238
Hey, Ephraim, get in here, you old--
38
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,998
Chicken.
39
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,555
Sorry, Marcie, l mistook you
for a 7 0-year-old hillbilly.
40
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,070
Well, l'm sure that you get that
all the time.
41
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,880
Al, not even you
could dull my spirits today.
42
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,238
Jefferson and l have just returned
from a blissful two days...
43
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,510
...at marriage-encounter camp.
44
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:57,315
'' Dr. Richelieu's love compound
and water park.''
45
00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,152
We've never been happier.
lsn't that right, Jefferson?
46
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,193
Love is all l need to make me happy.
47
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,111
Jefferson?
48
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,995
Are you in there, buddy?
49
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:19,315
What happened to you?
You used to be a man.
50
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,279
l am a man.
51
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,158
Then who's your favourite Stooge?
52
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,596
The Three Stooges are not funny.
53
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:32,237
You know who l think is funny?
That Elayne Boosler.
54
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,676
lt's a lot worse than l thought.
55
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,469
Luckily, l have something
for such an emergency.
56
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,878
Jefferson...
57
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,390
...l want you to get a load
of these Big 'Uns here.
58
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,152
lt's all coming back to me.
Moe! Moe, is my favourite Stooge!
59
00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,436
Those bastards, they almost got you.
60
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,432
Hey, who's the broad in the kitchen?
61
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,272
Well, that's your wife.
62
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,914
How the hell did that happen?
63
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,753
Let's go, Jefferson.
lt's almost time for my nooner.
64
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,829
Take two of these,
call me in the morning.
65
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,796
Better make it four.
66
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,833
Gee, Al, they seem so much in love.
67
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,237
Maybe this Dr. Richelieu could make
our marriage happier.
68
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,870
Oh, no, Peg. The only doctor
who could do that is Kevorkian.
69
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,951
Hi, Ephraim.
70
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,033
Come in. You hook up the harness
and l'll Crisco the doors.
71
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,435
We'll pop that little woman
right on out of here.
72
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,269
Wait. Wait a minute, Al.
l'm not here to pick up Mama.
73
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,910
l'm taking a trip around the world
with my travel agent.
74
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,031
Wait till you see this.
75
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,515
Hey, Pancake,
get your flapjacks in here, darling.
76
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,199
What'd l tell you, Al, huh?
77
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,914
Part-time travel agent,
part-time stripper...
78
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,715
...and full-time love machine.
79
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,228
Daddy, l can't believe
you could do this.
80
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,675
Oh, l could.
81
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,511
You are a married man.
82
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,990
Married? You told me
you were a college student...
83
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,919
...taking a year off
before law school.
84
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,036
Now, look at that. l gotta get me
another travel agent!
85
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,159
No, you don't. You are gonna go
up there and reconcile with Mom.
86
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,550
No, no, no.
That's not gonna work, Margaret.
87
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,910
We just can't communicate anymore.
88
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:52,033
Well, maybe that's because
you don't have a creamy-nougat centre.
89
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,070
Hey, l know.
90
00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:02,309
What if we take you and Mom
to this Dr. Richelieu's marriage retreat.
91
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,593
No, no. l don't believe in them
fancy-schmancy headshrinkers.
92
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,518
-lt's got a water slide.
-lt does?
93
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:12,508
Whoa, l'm there, dude!
94
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,518
l see you're wearing
your easy-access dress.
95
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,957
And l see you're wearing
your wonder briefs.
96
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,674
Look, if you still want me to babysit
Bowzer, you better be nice to me.
97
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,031
Her name is Esmeralda.
98
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,750
Yeah, l don't care what her name is.
She's not getting up on the furniture.
99
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,712
l still get my shot with Fawn, right?
100
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,394
Yes. She'll be here at 1 1 :00.
101
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,235
Just in time to tuck you in and tell you
about her other dates.
102
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,275
Hey, she can bring her other dates
for all l care...
103
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,675
...as long as l get my two minutes.
104
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,639
Carlos is here! Okay, okay, okay.
105
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,429
Hola, Kelly.
You look muy bonita tonight.
106
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,676
Thank you. You look
'' Bobby Bania'' too.
107
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,076
How charming.
One of your American jokes.
108
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,312
Speaking of American jokes...
109
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,477
...this is my brother, Bud.
110
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,951
This, this is my cousin, Esmeralda.
111
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,638
Damn.
112
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,398
l'm sorry, l didn't get a chance...
113
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,115
-...to change into some nicer clothes.
-Oh, no. Please don't worry.
114
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,158
You won't be wearing them
much longer.
115
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,078
Damn!
116
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,989
Carlos, Bud and l are going
to his room to play.
117
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,593
We are?
118
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,671
Thank you, God.
119
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:21,157
Well, Carlos, it's just you and me
and this big empty couch.
120
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,796
Yes, but when do l get to meet
your chaperons?
121
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,158
Well, soon if you play
your cards right, gosh.
122
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,834
No, no, no. l mean your parents.
123
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,110
Where is your father,
the village shoesmith?
124
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,598
He's with my mother,
the village shopper...
125
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,473
...and my Grandmother, the village.
126
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,990
Well, it was nice of you
to have your brother...
127
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,395
...look after my unsullied cousin,
Esmeralda.
128
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,830
Why, she's going to be a nun
you know?
129
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,109
Oh, God! Oh, God!
130
00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:00,030
You see?
They are praying together already.
131
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,313
Welcome...
132
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,030
...to Dr. Richelieu's
love compound and water park.
133
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,835
l am Dr. Richelieu.
134
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,354
Thank you.
135
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,596
No! No applause, please.
136
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:24,749
Now, l see before me today
many troubled couples.
137
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,314
Hey, Daddy, how's Mom doing?
138
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:32,953
She's still not talking to me...
139
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,119
...for lying and saying
l was taking her to lHOP.
140
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,151
Now, l know you all think
your problems...
141
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:44,433
...might be strange or...unique.
142
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,477
But believe me...
143
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,030
...l have seen it all
and nothing could--
144
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,516
Holy mother of gods!
145
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,070
Well, she's old enough.
146
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,151
And who might you be?
147
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,996
Well, l might be Brad Pitt, but you can
see by the chick on my arm, l'm not.
148
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,753
We're not here for counselling.
149
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,837
We're just here to drop off
my Mom and Dad.
150
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,272
Right, so l'll just unhitch the trailer
and bid everyone here a hidy ho.
151
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,159
Hey, wait, wait! Hold it, Al.
l got to talk to you.
152
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,749
Excuse me a minute, darling.
Would you--?
153
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,158
Listen now....
154
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,554
l gotta talk to you. lt's-- lt's Mama.
155
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,352
She's a little shy.
156
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,478
Of what, metric ton?
157
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:39,874
No, no, no. l think she's a little
embarrassed to be here.
158
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,435
You know, Al, maybe Daddy's right.
159
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,394
Maybe it'd make her feel better
if we stick around and participate.
160
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,193
Peg, l'd rather go synchronized
swimming with Angela Lansbury.
161
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,879
l'd rather have my neck shaved
by Ray Charles.
162
00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:01,316
l'd even rather have your picture
tattooed on the inside of my eye lids...
163
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,671
...than spend anymore time
with these clowns.
164
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,437
Look, Al, you leave now,
and you can forget about...
165
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,473
...Mama and l
patching things up here.
166
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,234
All right, l'll stay!
167
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,190
But l swear, l'm not touching that bozo
with the big red hair.
168
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,276
Or that guy.
169
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,233
I gave my love a cherry
170
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,989
That had no stone
171
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,515
Oh, that was great. Stop now, please.
172
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,389
-I gave my love a chick en
-Stop, please.
173
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,479
That had no bone
174
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,073
Carlos.
175
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,840
This is very romantic
and everything...
176
00:12:55,040 --> 00:13:00,239
...but l too can be strummed
and twanged.
177
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,437
l feel...
178
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,548
...completely refreshed.
179
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:21,191
Hey, sex is a lot more fun
with a live partner, isn't it, Bud?
180
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:23,556
Oh, you got that right--
181
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,314
You know, your petty, little insults
mean nothing to me now.
182
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,991
What's up with Julio?
183
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,792
Well, Carlos just likes
to take things slow.
184
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,190
He's a perfect gentleman.
185
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,591
What, no--? No touch? No kiss?
186
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:48,920
Not even my favourite yawn,
stretch, cheap feel?
187
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,869
Guys do that on purpose?
188
00:13:56,080 --> 00:14:00,517
Bud, you have rested long enough.
189
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:02,752
Damn!
190
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:10,232
I gave my love a baby
191
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,638
Yeah, right.
192
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,876
And now for the next exercise.
193
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,595
The most important thing
in any relationship is trust.
194
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,189
Now, is everybody blindfolded?
195
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,237
And gagged.
196
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,713
-That won't be necessary.
-You don't know the wife.
197
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,433
ln this exercise the husbands
will select either good...
198
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,198
...or bad-tasting food.
199
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,916
And the wives will trustingly eat
what is offered.
200
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,752
Al, l can feel you smiling.
201
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,276
Let's start with the Wankers.
202
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,277
Ephraim, make your selection.
203
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:58,470
Oh, boy. Can l talk to you a minute,
Dr. Looky-loo?
204
00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,669
Be right back, darling.
205
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:05,079
Listen, l'd like to pass on that
wife-feeding exercise you got there.
206
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,389
Why?
207
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,752
Because l have become
very attached to my hands.
208
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,239
lf you can't reach out to her
with a Weenie Tot...
209
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,432
...how will you reach out to her
with your heart?
210
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,153
Oh, all right.
211
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,436
l'll give her a shot.
212
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,109
Alrighty. Here l come, darling.
213
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,030
Here, sweetie. A little Weenie Tot
for you, my little hippo.
214
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,639
Come on, darling.
215
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,074
Here you go.
216
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,470
My finger!
217
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,509
Dr. Richelieu,
we need to comfort Mrs. Wanker.
218
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:09,077
She hasn't come back
since the...accident.
219
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:15,478
Accident?! That was no accident,
you slap-shoed son of an onion.
220
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,918
She'd have eaten my whole hand
if l hadn't have tickled her stomach.
221
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,275
Nevertheless,
Mr. Giggles has a point.
222
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,911
Ephraim, go find your wife
and give her some hug therapy.
223
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:33,676
Oh, shut up,
you touchy-feely hug freak.
224
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,070
l suppose you have a better way?
225
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,389
l do.
226
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,750
Men, gather round here.
227
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,277
l wanna talk to you.
228
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,757
Now listen here.
229
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,237
Take your wife on a midnight
stroll through the woods.
230
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,472
Let her ramble on about
how everything's your fault.
231
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,633
Then you say,
''You're right. l'm sorry.''
232
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,633
Marriage is fixed.
233
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,990
And they'll never know
that you were thinking...
234
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,350
...about Pamela Anderson
the whole time.
235
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,469
l'll give her a try, Al.
236
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,269
Say, what makes you
such an expert on love?
237
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:14,953
Well, Ephraim.
238
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,594
Call me a hopeless romantic...
239
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,758
...but l wanna fall in love
one day myself.
240
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,594
Come on, boys. We're off.
241
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,556
Al, why aren't we going to the woods
to save our marriage?
242
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,230
Well, you know my motto, Peg:
lf it's broke, don't fix it.
243
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,392
And this next slide
is a family portrait.
244
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,752
Look at that cute burro.
245
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,514
That burro is my Aunt Maria.
246
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,717
Well, the saddlebags threw me.
247
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,398
ls that a statue of Sally Struthers?
248
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,915
You're very perceptive.
249
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,838
She brought much food
to my country.
250
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,836
We're hoping the next time she comes
she'll share it with us.
251
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:12,435
l wonder how Bud and Esmeralda
are getting along.
252
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,831
Stop! Stop! You're killing me!
253
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,914
She must be telling him one
of her many amusing jokes, huh?
254
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,199
Well, l like jokes.
255
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:24,873
Really?
256
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:29,358
Oh, then soon you will be smiling.
257
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,798
Okay, a duck, a priest, and Fidel Castro
walk into a cantina.
258
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,673
The duck says to the bartender,
'' l would like a cerveza....''
259
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:37,714
Nice going, Mr. Bundy.
260
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,434
lt's been one hour,
and still no one has returned.
261
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:44,389
lf l wasn't the prophet of love,
l'd give you the thrashing of your life.
262
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:49,111
Thrash all you want,
Dr. Skip To My Lou, just don't hug me.
263
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,519
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
You saved our marriage.
264
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,593
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
You saved our marriage.
265
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,229
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
You saved our marriage.
266
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,071
Thanks a lot, Al.
267
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,075
Peg, pack your mother's bag.
She'll be moving on out.
268
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,508
Now, wait.
269
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,870
He saved your marriage as well?
270
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,795
No, you English muffin.
We're busting up for good.
271
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,758
Well, didn't you do what l told you?
272
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,956
Yeah, yeah,
and it worked out perfect. Yeah.
273
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,436
She wants me back now,
then l realized l got these tickets...
274
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:30,679
...for a trip around the world.
So l can take any babe l want.
275
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,037
Ephraim, you could have two tickets
around the entire galaxy...
276
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,916
...you gin-soaked waffle head.
No one's going with you.
277
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,913
You're going around the world?
278
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,030
l'll go with you.
279
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,077
Bye, baby.
280
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,274
Am l lucky?
Our first stop is Mexico...
281
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:56,153
...and she's got her own maracas.
282
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,552
Al, this is all your fault.
283
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,074
Everybody!
284
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,032
Then the duck says to the bartender:
285
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,710
'' l can't believe
you serve Cubans here.''
286
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,115
-Well, it's about time.
-Oh, you're right.
287
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,839
lt's almost Esmeralda's curfew...
288
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,715
...and this is the last night before
she enters the convent. Esmeralda?
289
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,830
-Yes, cousin Carlos?
-Say good night to your playmate, Bud.
290
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,193
Goodbye, Kelly.
291
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:02,069
lf it isn't being to forward,
l would like to kiss you good night.
292
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,118
Sure.
293
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,434
Esmeralda, come.
294
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:17,593
Can you believe that guy?
295
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,400
How dare he not put out.
296
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,275
You know what? l'm gonna tell
all my girlfriends...
297
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,038
...and ruin his reputation.
298
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:26,554
Kelly, this is great.
299
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,949
Now, you're desperate...
300
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,470
...and for the first time in my life,
l'm not horny.
301
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,436
Take me now!
302
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,039
That's what l'm here for.
303
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:44,758
-Fawn?
-Yup.
304
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,433
And l haven't had sex
in 1 5 minutes.
305
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,796
-Let's go.
-No, no, no!1
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,554
Family--
2
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,678
And l use that term
with great embarrassment.
3
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:20,390
--it is now time to unveil the contents
of the Bundy family Christmas club.
4
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,512
Oh, Dad.
5
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,796
You got a festive green one
this year.
6
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,157
Usually you just use one
of your old white socks.
7
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,712
Honey, that is one
of his white socks.
8
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,633
See how it matches his teeth.
9
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,710
Thank you,
Rudolf the Redhead Couch Wit.
10
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,391
Anyway, once a year...
11
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,154
...the working members
of the Bundy family, namely me...
12
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,920
...put aside a small percentage
of his paycheque--
13
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,151
Namely nothing.
14
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,870
--and at the end of the year,
opens it up to buy Christmas presents.
15
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,111
Namely garbage.
16
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,432
Dad, why do we go through
this pathetic charade every year?
17
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,468
You know Mom's jimmied the lock
and spent all the money on herself.
18
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,390
l didn't spend one penny
on myself this year.
19
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,791
Hey, maybe,
we will get some presents.
20
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,829
Then why is there nothing
but receipts in here, Peg?
21
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,308
Well, those aren't from me.
22
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,198
That's just stuff Mom needed.
23
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,716
Five hundred dollars
for JJ's House of Strudel.
24
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,155
Two hundred dollars
for a heavy-duty Buttmaster.
25
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,234
Everybody knows that strudel
goes straight to the butt.
26
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,358
-There goes your Christmas gift, Peg.
-What about us?
27
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,239
Oh, this doesn't affect
your gift, pumpkin.
28
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,711
Merry Christmas.
29
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,631
Merry Christmas. l ought to give you
one of these for Christmas.
30
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,274
Come on, Kel. Let's go.
31
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,240
We'll have to raise our own money
for Christmas presents.
32
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:56,873
You know what this means, right?
33
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,640
Yeah. The shell-shocked vet
and the blind-girl routine.
34
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,796
That's right.
35
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,919
And this year don't sit there
reading People magazine, all right.
36
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:13,076
l was not reading it.
l was looking at the pictures, okay?
37
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,951
Your mother's eating us
out of house and home.
38
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,630
l don't expect her to pull her weight.
That would be impossible.
39
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,274
But she's got to get a job.
40
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,512
She's a Wanker woman.
She's not used to working.
41
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,833
l will only put up with one worthless
Wanker woman in this house at a time.
42
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,230
Either she gets a job or you do.
43
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,473
Mom, we gotta talk!
44
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,551
Excuse me.
Do you have any pumps in my size?
45
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,076
Yes, l do, but the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes...
46
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,276
...would not allow me
to sell them to you.
47
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,350
Well, l hope you get coal
in your stocking on Christmas morning.
48
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,189
And l hope you get Slim-Fast
in yours.
49
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,836
Now, we're about to have
our Christmas party.
50
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,071
So would you mind eggnogging
on out?
51
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,072
-Happy Holidays.
-Merry Christmas.
52
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,914
Hey, guys, sorry l'm late.
53
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:22,108
l had to ditch Marcie down
at the employment office.
54
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,795
God, what a depressing place.
55
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,598
All those people out of work, huh?
56
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,552
No. All those people looking
for work.
57
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,275
Have they no pride?
58
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,829
l'll tell you, if Marcie is so dead set
on a two-income family...
59
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,435
...let her get a night job.
60
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,512
Yeah.
61
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,718
Jefferson, you don't really mean that
about Marcie, do you?
62
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,351
As sure as l'm skimming money
off her mutual funds.
63
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,719
Oh, l'll tell you,
it will be a cold day in hell...
64
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,878
...when my paycheque-in-heels
outsmarts me.
65
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:09,356
Well, then, prepare to make snow
angels with the Prince of Darkness.
66
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,478
Marcie?
67
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:19,230
Marcie! l can't believe you followed me
here from the employment office?
68
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,313
-Look, Jefferson--
-Oh, no, no, no. Don't apologize.
69
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,511
The damage is done.
70
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,472
Look, Marcie,
if l can't trust you not to follow me...
71
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,837
...how can l ever trust you
as a reference on a job application?
72
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,548
Well, l already got you a job...
73
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:42,032
...playing life-sized Ken in the Barbie
Christmas window at Marshall Field's.
74
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:52,039
Okay, but don't blame me, Marcie,
if your sick obsession with work...
75
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,708
...drives me into the arms
of a life-sized Barbie.
76
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,473
Merry Christmas.
77
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,511
Merry Christmas!
78
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,479
Well, now that the wives
and deadbeats are gone...
79
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,398
...let's start this Christmas party.
80
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,598
Yeah! Yeah! The tree is trimmed,
the halls are decked...
81
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,951
...and lke has dawned
his gay apparel.
82
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,989
Take that back,
you glorified night watchman.
83
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,949
Gentlemen, focus.
There'll be no brawling here.
84
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,469
This is a Christmas party,
not a wedding.
85
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:26,879
Besides, we can't start until Griff
gets here from his new part-time job.
86
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,030
Okay, kid,
if you let go of my leg...
87
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,277
...l'll bring you a pony
on Christmas morning.
88
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:43,958
Excuse me.
Why did you say that?
89
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,350
l specifically told you
he couldn't have one.
90
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:50,230
And l specifically told you
tips were encouraged.
91
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,552
Come on, Bobby.
The real Santa's at Kmart.
92
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,756
-Merry Christmas!
-Happy holidays!
93
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,599
Merry stinking Christmas.
94
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,310
Hey, Griff,
where's your Christmas spirit?
95
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:06,519
My ex-wife got it
in the divorce settlement.
96
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,758
Along with the house, the car...
97
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,236
...and my entire collection
of Pam Grier movies.
98
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,237
l knew you were feeling lonely
the last couple of weeks.
99
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,829
That's why l got you
this for Christmas.
100
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,514
'' 1 -900-YUMMY''?
101
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:30,237
''The bearer of this card is entitled
to 20 minutes of yuletide phone sex.''
102
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,193
-Al, you shouldn't have.
-Hey, it didn't cost me anything.
103
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,109
l just cashed in my frequent
hooter miles at the nudie bar.
104
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:48,679
Al, meaningless, no-strings-attached
sex is the last thing l want right now.
105
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,753
That's the only thing l've ever wanted.
106
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,999
-Oh, wait!
-Let me have it.
107
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,794
Hey, lke, give me that thing back.
Come on, lke!
108
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,235
Hey, lke! lke! lke!
109
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,313
Don't be selfish.
Put it on the speakerphone.
110
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,988
Hello, you're cooking with Butter.
111
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,110
Hey, Butter, this is...
112
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,392
...Hot Pants.
113
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,759
Oh, Hot Pants.
114
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:32,552
Why don't you come closer
and melt little old Butter.
115
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:39,195
Hold on.
l got to think about baseball.
116
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:46,476
Hey, hey, Butter.
This is Double-O-Shoe.
117
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,358
Listen, forget Hot Pants.
You need to talk to my good friend--
118
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:51,675
-Butcher Boy.
-Psycho Cop.
119
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,236
Not you, you potbellied porkers.
120
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,195
Al.
121
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,076
Hi, Butter.
122
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,030
This is...
123
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,840
...Shoehorn O'Plenty.
124
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,715
-Thanks for the ride home, Griff.
-Don't mention it.
125
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,797
Hey, l'm a Dodge man through
and through...
126
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,913
...but that Geo Metro of yours
is a lot easier to push up that hill.
127
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,716
Yeah, but if you want a car that will
just rust away on the front lawn...
128
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,592
...nothing beats your Dodge.
129
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,628
You got that right.
l'll give you that beer l promised.
130
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,273
There's nobody home.
131
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,189
Beer? l'll come down and join you.
132
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:39,434
Except my mother-in-law,
the Budweiser Clydesdale.
133
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,798
Al, l got to go anyhow, Al.
l promised Butter l'd call her at 6.
134
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,471
You wouldn't want to leave a phone-sex
operator waiting by the phone.
135
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:51,272
Wait a minute, Al. Butter is more
than just a $1 .99 a minute.
136
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:56,389
She's a real good listener
who really understands me.
137
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,433
And, boy, can she talk dirty.
138
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,275
Well, l still better go.
l got a long push home.
139
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,631
All right, take it easy, buddy.
140
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:20,588
1 -900-YUMMY.
141
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:52,356
1 -900-YUMMY.
142
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:03,872
Merry Christmas.
You're cooking with Butter.
143
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,150
Oh, no.
144
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,593
More.
145
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,433
Come on.
146
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,593
You know, this is fantastic.
147
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,115
l can't believe Grandma
bought us these presents...
148
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,548
...and this beautiful dinner.
149
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,991
lt's like she's an older married man
or something.
150
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,957
You know, Peg, who would've thought
that your mom's 1 -900 number...
151
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,355
...would have bought us
our first real Christmas?
152
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,472
You know, for a Bigfoot,
your mom's okay.
153
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,675
Oh, Al, let's invite her down
for Christmas dinner.
154
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,189
What, are you nuts?
155
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:12,036
Don't you know that the holidays are
the busiest phone-sex time of all.
156
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,076
Daddy, aren't you feeling just
a little guilty that most of the money...
157
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,750
...that paid for this food
came from your NO MA'AM friends?
158
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,592
Guilty, no. Hungry, yes.
159
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,199
What l mean is, is that...
160
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,751
...don't you think you should tell them
that Butter is really Grandma?
161
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:34,551
Pumpkin, unlike marriage,
phone sex is a victimless crime.
162
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,556
Why spoil the good time
of my dear friends...
163
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,955
...and derail our gravy train
at the same time?
164
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:46,034
Speaking of which, Peg, would you
pop open another can of gravy, please?
165
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,397
Attagirl.
166
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,514
Dad's right. What they don't know,
won't hurt them.
167
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:03,196
Besides, when you dial those 900
numbers, all you really care about is--
168
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,790
Getting your money back
for dialling the wrong number.
169
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,035
Who could that be?
170
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,835
Maybe one of the neighbours
found out we had food. Eat fast.
171
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:26,230
All right, l'll get it.
Just pretend like nothing's happened.
172
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,119
Shut up, now!
173
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,557
Coming.
174
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:44,392
-Hey, Al.
-Hey, Griff, how you doing?
175
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,716
So you're having another
imaginary Christmas dinner?
176
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,514
Yeah, well, it keeps them happy,
you know.
177
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,159
Thanks for stopping by, buddy.
178
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,635
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
l need your advice.
179
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,474
You know, l've been talking
to Butter a lot lately.
180
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:07,999
Al, she is more than just phone sex.
She is a beautiful human being.
181
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:13,916
l never thought l'd say this again:
l think l'm in love.
182
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,879
l think l'm about to blow gravy.
183
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,669
Al, l want to ask her to spend
the holidays with me.
184
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,917
Family meeting.
185
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,593
Al, what are we gonna do?
186
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,229
lf Griff finds out
that Grandma is Butter...
187
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,396
...then he and the guys
will stop calling...
188
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,068
...and we'll have to go back
to living on your income.
189
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,671
l hate him.
He's the Griff who stole Christmas.
190
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,792
-l'll kill this sucker first.
-No! No! No one kills anybody here.
191
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,679
Come here. l got a plan.
192
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,520
l want you two
to get some candy canes...
193
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,029
...and lure Grandma out of her room.
194
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,396
All of her, Dad?
195
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,395
Even the dark, mossy side?
196
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,789
Yes. Will you just go do it?
197
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:19,313
Peg, l want you to go upstairs
and talk dirty.
198
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:23,758
Oh, Al.
You mean like this?
199
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,475
Thank you, Peg.
200
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,434
The one meal l've had in months
and l won't be able to keep it down.
201
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,279
You said to talk dirty.
202
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:36,314
Not to me, you candied yam.
To Griff.
203
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:37,669
l want you to go upstairs.
204
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,031
When the phone rings, l want you
to answer it. Pretend you're Butter.
205
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,073
Then l want you to tell him
that your love can never be.
206
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,072
Well, what are you gonna do?
207
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,790
l'm gonna soften him up
with our finest liquid refreshment.
208
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,389
The man has gravy.
209
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,874
Not just for breakfast anymore.
210
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,711
Al, what if Butter won't go out
with me? What will l do?
211
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,552
-Not call her anymore?
-Nope.
212
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,836
Call her often,
and call her at peak hours...
213
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,508
...and talk for a long, long time.
214
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,314
But never ask to meet her.
215
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,556
Okay, Al.
216
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,998
This may be just the gravy talking,
but l trust your judgement.
217
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,837
Here goes.
218
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,191
Merry Christmas.
219
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,352
You're cooking with Butter.
220
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,712
Merry Christmas, Butter baby.
221
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,915
This is Shoehorn O'Plenty.
222
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,873
You sound a little different tonight,
Butter. What, you got a little cold?
223
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:02,551
Well, l did.
But l'm warming up now.
224
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,510
Look, Butter,
l know l've asked you this before...
225
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,188
...but this time l really have to know.
226
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,549
What do you look like?
227
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,758
Al, l am really uncomfortable with this.
l don't think l can go through with it.
228
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,714
Peg, Peg, Peg. Just do what we do
when we have sex.
229
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,673
Pretend we're with someone else.
230
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,235
Thanks, Fabio.
231
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,830
You're welcome, Ginger...
232
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,151
...and Mary Ann.
233
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,994
What do l look like?
234
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,835
Well, l am statuesque
with flowing red hair...
235
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,232
...and a booty that your hand
just aches to grab.
236
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,474
-Butter, you okay?
-Oh, yes. l'm fine.
237
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,679
lt's just that chronic pain
in the butt l live with.
238
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,629
Hey, Butter, l got to ask you this
before l lose the nerve.
239
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,231
Will you come spend
the holidays with me?
240
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:12,636
Oh, well, l'd love to, Mr. O'Plenty...
241
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,752
...but it's against company policy.
242
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,315
You see, we phone-sex employees...
243
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,599
...live by the highest moral
and ethical standards.
244
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:27,075
Yeah, well, l'd make it a Christmas
you'd never forget.
245
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,548
Dinner.
246
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,392
Dancing.
247
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:36,431
A sleigh ride to the airport Motel 6
where l would rock your world.
248
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,234
l'll be there in a half an hour.
249
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,718
Al, l'm leaving you.
250
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,313
Peg, under normal circumstances,
l'd help you pack.
251
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,711
But there's more at stake here
than our marriage, Peg, there's money.
252
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,069
Piles and piles of money.
253
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,033
l want you to get back on that phone
and do what you do best.
254
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,719
Shatter dreams.
255
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:11,317
Look, Horn, l've got to be
perfectly honest with you.
256
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,758
You see, l'm a happily married
woman with children.
257
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:20,039
Very, very young children. lnfants.
258
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,915
Hey, I don't mind messing around
with a married woman.
259
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,914
Al, l'll be back by New Year's.
260
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,952
Peg, he's a shoe salesman.
261
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,714
lt would be like leaving me for me.
262
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,199
Oh, yeah.
263
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,000
Thanks for talking me down, Al.
264
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,873
Listen, Mr. O'Plenty.
265
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,436
You know, it's easy to get
carried away on the phone.
266
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,995
l mean, but it's all just a fantasy.
267
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,390
You know my husband
may not be much...
268
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,835
...but he does keep me
in bonbons...
269
00:20:55,080 --> 00:21:00,712
...and l don't have to cook or clean
or even know where my kids are.
270
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,156
Yeah, well....
271
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,588
I guess, I can respect that.
272
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,678
Can we still fool around
on the phone sometimes?
273
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,751
Oh, yeah.
274
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,909
We can do it right now.
275
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,150
Al, you've got to listen to this.
276
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,152
No, l don't.
277
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,155
How'd it go, buddy?
278
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,796
Well, she won't go out with me,
but all is not lost.
279
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:36,477
She reaffirmed the value
of cheap and meaningless sex.
280
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,509
That's a gift l will always cherish.
281
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,359
Hey, hey, guys, listen,
since the wives are downtown...
282
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,630
...feeding Christmas dinners
to the homeless...
283
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,719
...shouldn't we be down at the nudie bar
feeding dollars to the topless?
284
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,433
-Great idea! To the nudie bar!
-Yes!
285
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,432
Where Christmas is nice
286
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,591
And lap dances are half price
287
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,990
To the nudie bar!
288
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,392
-Where you drink down the shooters
-And unwrap the hooters
289
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,471
At the nudie bar!
290
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,349
-Where eggnog's a-plenty
-And the girls are all 20
291
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,115
At the nudie bar!
292
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,629
l recognize those voices.
293
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:38,228
Butcher Boy, Psycho Cop,
Hot Pants, Ken Doll, Shoe Horn.
294
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,829
lt's me, Butter.1
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,590
God, l love the girl
in this commercial.
2
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,549
She almost makes me want to try
those feminine hygiene products.
3
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,835
Why don't you start
with a masculine hygiene product.
4
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,077
Like soap.
5
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,550
l just love the way she cartwheels
up and down the beach in that bikini.
6
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,756
Now, that's bouncing.
7
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,710
l mean, that's-- That's acting.
8
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,554
Do you notice anything else
about her?
9
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,599
Nope. Well, yeah, the product works.
10
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,391
She's not cranky.
11
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,353
But why should she be?
12
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,272
Her agent is out getting her jobs...
13
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,109
...while my agent is sitting here,
lusting after girls in commercials.
14
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,749
Hey, l'm doing research, babe.
15
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,597
Then won't you be needing
your blow-up assistant?
16
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,075
Look, Bud.
You start getting me better parts...
17
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,357
...or l'm going to find somebody else
who can, okay?
18
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,316
You can't threaten me.
19
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,950
What do you think?
You think you're my only client?
20
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,271
Perhaps now isn't the best time
to mention...
21
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:30,478
...I've left him
for the William Morris agency.
22
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,635
Al, even though it only happens
once every 1 0 years...
23
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,836
...why do you insist
on dragging me along...
24
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,389
...when you buy new underwear?
25
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,197
Well, you're the one that's got to
look at them when you wash them.
26
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,799
l don't look at them
and l don't wash them.
27
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,596
l just dry them.
28
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,958
Well, l thought you liked shopping.
29
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,397
Well, l do. But for me.
30
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,200
And you promised
we'd be home in time for Oprah.
31
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:16,069
Oh, and look. We missed
the opening shot of the audience.
32
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,199
Well, you better hurry, Peg. You're
a box and a half of bonbons behind.
33
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,830
You know how we can avoid
all these problems?
34
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,958
Heartfelt handshake,
we go our separate ways?
35
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,549
No. A satellite dish.
36
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,950
Fine, satellite dish,
go our separate ways.
37
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:39,078
Al, don't you get it?
lf we had a satellite dish...
38
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,074
...then l could watch Oprah
on East Coast or West Coast time...
39
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:47,199
...and l wouldn't be a slave
to this Central Time schedule.
40
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,675
So you can fit Oprah
into your busy schedule...
41
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,957
...of loaf, nibble, snore...
42
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,712
...watch, castrate husband...
43
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,279
...loaf, loaf, snore.
44
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,519
l knew you'd see it my way.
45
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,593
Peg, we got over 200 stations
on this cable thing now...
46
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,512
...and all you do all day
is watch TV.
47
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:14,912
lf we had had the satellite dish,
you'd watch TV all day and all night.
48
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,395
Let's do it, Peg.
49
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,312
You know, Ariel, when l saw you
doing cartwheels in that bikini...
50
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,788
...l said to myself:
51
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,635
'' Now, there is a girl
with an enormous pair of talents...
52
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,352
...that could use--
Could use better representation.''
53
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,828
Do you really think so?
54
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,790
Oh, my God. They talk.
55
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:01,310
l mean, yeah. That's--
That's why l brought you over here.
56
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,393
See, l think it's time you signed
with a successful agent...
57
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,631
...who'll send your career
to the next level.
58
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,279
lt's tempting...
59
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,999
...but if you're so successful...
60
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,913
...why is your office
in your parents' house?
61
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,749
l cut down on overhead.
62
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:22,632
See, that way, l can plough all my
profits back to where they should go:
63
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,757
Gifts for you.
64
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,278
Bud, you seem so honest
and sincere.
65
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,715
What do you say
we set up a trial arrangement...
66
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:35,033
...see how things go,
and seal the deal with some sex?
67
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,394
See--
68
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,108
See, what l had in mind....
69
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,028
What?
70
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,838
Now, are you sure you're good?
71
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,713
Oh, baby, you're gonna know
in about two minutes.
72
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,596
Bud, you are the worst agent
in the entire world...
73
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,354
...and the state of Chicago.
74
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,634
-Kelly?
-How could you send me out...
75
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,274
...on a Depend commercial?
76
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,878
You told me that it was for lingerie.
77
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:26,988
lt is.
78
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,037
lt's lingerie that...
79
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,157
...absorbs accidents.
80
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,999
Bud, you are fired.
81
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,151
l'm going to find myself a real agent.
82
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,395
l wonder who represents Pocahontas.
She's in everything.
83
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,835
So where were we?
84
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,713
You were about to go
to the refrigerator to get some ice.
85
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,079
lce?
86
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,392
-What for?
-Your black eye.
87
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:04,628
You just-- You just ruined the
best two minutes of your life.
88
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,358
Boy, is he a train to nowhere.
89
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,838
Peggy...
90
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,596
...l can't believe...
91
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:23,118
...you convinced Al
to spend $7 00 on a satellite dish...
92
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:27,399
...when he won't even shell out
3 bucks for deodorant.
93
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,998
Well, in Al's defence...
94
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:34,916
...unlike deodorant, there's actually
a shot he might use the satellite.
95
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:36,959
Oh, Marcie, look at this.
96
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,755
Look at all the Oprah specials
you can get on satellite.
97
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,070
The Making of Oprah.
98
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,914
Baking With Oprah.
99
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,670
The Pre-Oprah Show-prah.
100
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:53,477
Hey, Peg.
101
00:08:58,280 --> 00:08:59,872
Peg.
102
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,398
l was on my way to the store,
l said:
103
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,235
''What am l going to spend $7 00 for
on a thing l can get for $23.95...
104
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,710
...at Crazy Achmed's?''
105
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,793
And Achmed throws in
all the roasted goat you can eat.
106
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,078
No dinner for me tonight, Peg.
107
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,069
Yeah, like you were going to get some.
108
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,515
Back at you, Peg.
109
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,395
Are you sure that's the same quality
satellite as everyone else is selling?
110
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,836
That's why they call him crazy.
111
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:35,358
Well, that, and because
he also sells plutonium.
112
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,436
Actually, l don't care
where you bought it...
113
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,831
...as long as the installer
hooks it up in time for...
114
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:47,716
...Andrew Lloyd Webber's
Phantom of the Oprah.
115
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,555
That's the other great news, Peg.
116
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,510
Achmed convinced you that even
a shoe salesman can install it?
117
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,995
He didn't have to.
lt says that right here on the box.
118
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,111
Well, l'm going to go set up
the ladder.
119
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,870
l'm going to set up the funeral.
120
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,795
What are you two laughing about?
121
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,555
You don't think we can get it up?
122
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,796
Scoff all you want, Peg.
123
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,919
But in five minutes,
when l install this dish...
124
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,869
...then you'll be nagging out of
the other side of that couch, Peg.
125
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,636
Five minutes, Peg.
126
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,838
Jefferson, here we go.
127
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,149
Come on. Come on.
128
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,314
This is going to be so much fun.
l feel like a kid at Christmas.
129
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,194
Yeah, well, get ready
to open your present.
130
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:56,589
Five...
131
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,068
...four...
132
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,312
-...three--
-Watch it, Jefferson!
133
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,119
A little early.
134
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,438
-Five minutes, Peg.
-Al, l'm slipping!
135
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,755
Well, we did it. We did it.
136
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,990
You actually installed the dish?
137
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,834
No, we actually opened the box.
138
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:46,317
Yeah, we showed those five heavy
staples not to mess with real men.
139
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,714
What's Dumber doing?
140
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,717
He's up there laying the pieces out.
141
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,992
ls that such a good idea
on a pitched roof?
142
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,433
Marcie, l'm sure Al knows
what he's doing.
143
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,877
Hey, Al!
ls everything okay up there?
144
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,872
-Never better. Watch it.
-See what l--
145
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,992
Jefferson?
146
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:21,031
Jefferson, l heard a shattering sound.
Did the dish break?
147
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,912
No. That was my skull!
148
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:29,472
Good. Walk it off
and Frisbee the dish back up here.
149
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,516
Sorry, Al.
150
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,957
Mr. D'Arcy, l need some advice.
151
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,838
Kelly fired me as her agent.
152
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,753
lf l don't get her back,
l'll have to go and get a real job.
153
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,639
This is an emergency.
154
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,878
l'm slipping, Jefferson.
Help me, buddy.
155
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:09,669
Look, Bud, today's agent succeeds
by ripping off what's hot.
156
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:14,311
So you got to create your own project
and hire Kelly to star in it.
157
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,474
Help me. Help me.
158
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,118
Create my own project.
Now, that's a good idea.
159
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:27,433
But what kind of--?
What kind of projects?
160
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:32,515
Jefferson. Jefferson.
l can't feel your hands.
161
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,190
Well, let me think. Something--
Something sexy, something sleazy.
162
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,670
Something l would buy.
163
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,438
Hey, hey, hey. l got it, l got it.
164
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:46,952
A workout video full of gorgeous babes
jumping up and down.
165
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,713
A workout video? That's perfect.
166
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,793
l'll have Kelly do an exercise video.
167
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:54,788
Yeah, that would work.
168
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,390
Jefferson. Jefferson.
169
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,592
l'm hanging by my chin here!
170
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,710
All right. l'm gonna go to the bank
right now and get a loan.
171
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,313
Thanks so much, Mr. D'Arcy.
172
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,916
Hey, if l'm one thing,
l'm always there for my friends.
173
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,197
What are Shemp and Curly doing now?
174
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,398
They're measuring the roof.
175
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:24,995
Okay, Al, l've got the end of the tape.
Now, how far to the edge?
176
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,912
Four feet.
177
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,513
Five feet.
178
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,718
Six feet!
179
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,548
Five and a half feet.
180
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,233
Where are you, Al?
181
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,074
l'm right here, Jefferson.
182
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,593
Five more minutes, Al?
183
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,480
At the outside, Peg.
184
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,195
Well, listen. We're about to put up
the electrical wiring.
185
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,672
So whatever you do, do not watch
the TV. Don't turn it on, Peg.
186
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,752
Okay, Al.
187
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,549
l can't believe it. Every single bank
in Chicago turned me down.
188
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,599
So my faxes got through.
189
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,071
The guy on TV looks just like Dad.
190
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,428
Except this guy's on fire.
191
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,558
Oh, that's cool.
192
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,836
And now a word from our sponsor.
193
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,753
I'm Vito Capone. No relation.
194
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,319
If you're a worthless bum...
195
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,676
... who's been turned down
by every bank...
196
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:55,072
... then catch the bus or have your
mommy drive you down to Moneyland.
197
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,118
We turn down no one.
198
00:16:58,320 --> 00:16:59,548
So come on by.
199
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:03,759
We're conveniently located
in the trunk of my car.
200
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:08,671
So call 1-800-HORSEHEAD.
201
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,477
Horsehead.
202
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,433
Well, Bud, like so many women
have told you before...
203
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,114
...l have found somebody better.
204
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,797
l'm signing with a new agent.
205
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,349
He represents the Bay City Rollers...
206
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,352
...Milli Vanilli...
207
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,478
...the entire Buttafuoco family.
208
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,153
Except Joey.
209
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,231
Oh, that's too bad, Kel.
210
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,233
Just when l needed someone
to be in my new workout video...
211
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,670
...that l'm producing and directing.
212
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,480
Who, oh, who
will l ever get to star in it?
213
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,873
Me, me, me!
214
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,749
Oh, but dash it all,
l don't represent you anymore.
215
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,436
l could re-sign.
216
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,195
Kel, you have made
an excellent decision.
217
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,919
As your agent, l'll work hard...
218
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,994
...because opportunities like this
just don't drop out of the sky.
219
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,433
Hi, Mr. Bundy.
220
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,352
Hey, babes.
221
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,673
ls it...?
222
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,559
ls it cool in here or is it me?
223
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,513
lt's me.
224
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,591
lt's definitely you.
225
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,074
What are these people doing?
226
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,349
Kelly, they're background
dancercisers.
227
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:02,799
Thanks for the gift.
228
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:07,079
No one's ever given me panties
filled with potpourri before.
229
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,832
Where did you find them?
230
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,789
-ln the lingerie department at--
-Oh, not the panties, you idiot.
231
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,710
-The girls.
-They found me.
232
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,997
When word got out there was a
Bud Bundy-Moneyland co-production...
233
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,275
...they just came running.
234
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,636
Yeah, but l'm still the star, right?
235
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,711
Would your agent lie to you?
236
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,070
Hello, Mr. Director.
237
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,788
l'm ready for my video.
238
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,108
What is he talking about?
239
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,396
You did an excellent job...
240
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,438
...casting women who will
look longingly at my buttocks...
241
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,990
...as l stretch and bend.
242
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,757
Excuse us, uno pimento.
243
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,149
Okay, who's the lrish guy, huh?
244
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,439
You mean Raphael?
245
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,033
He's another background dancer.
246
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,113
Kelly, l just got him
so he could appeal to the women.
247
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,952
Really?
248
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,469
Would your director lie to you?
249
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,632
Excuse me. Mr. Scorsese?
250
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:26,153
Just call me by my nickname,
Bud Bundy. Everybody calls me that.
251
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,358
Who is the natural blond?
252
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,316
l don't see one.
253
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,549
That one.
254
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:40,318
The one who is rudely avoiding
the temptation to stare at me.
255
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,359
Her? That's--
256
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:46,593
That's Kelly. She's a dancer.
She's nothing. She's garbage.
257
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,276
l just got her
so she could appeal to the men.
258
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,834
Just as long as everyone knows
that Raphael is the star.
259
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,353
Would your producer lie to you?
260
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,716
Bud.
261
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,876
-Mr. Capone.
-Hey.
262
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,519
Welcome.
263
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,557
Nice.
264
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:13,476
And this is my sister, Kelly,
the collateral we spoke of.
265
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,231
-And that, there, is Rafael.
-You did a good job, Bud.
266
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,268
-This video will make us a lot of money.
-Yeah, you think so?
267
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,512
Would a guy who holds your
life in his hands lie to you?
268
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,589
-Good point.
-So l can expect my video at 5:00?
269
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:34,635
-l'd stake my life on it.
-Oh, so you read the contract.
270
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,796
What do you mean
that you're the star?
271
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,917
Bud told me that l was the star.
272
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,038
That's funny.
Bud told me you were garbage.
273
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,430
Raphael is the only star.
274
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:49,230
Well, if l am not the star,
then l am walking.
275
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,310
Oh, yeah? Well, either if Raphael
is not the star, he is walking.
276
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,516
Do not try and stop him.
277
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,358
Don't worry. They'll come around.
278
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,318
You know how temperamental
actors are.
279
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,630
lt may be a week.
May be-- May be a month.
280
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,074
You have until 5.
281
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,679
You got a great sense of humour,
Mr. Capone.
282
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,710
Yes, l do, Bud. Unfortunately...
283
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,520
...Gino, who l'm leaving here
to see you're on time...
284
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,991
...has no sense of humour whatsoever.
Yo, Gino!1
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,677
Previously on
Married With Children.
2
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,311
The only time I got petted was when
we were out of towels in the bathroom.
3
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,599
Also, Al got a satellite dish
and tried to install it himself.
4
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,268
Watch it, now!
5
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,275
And proving once again that the nut
doesn't fall far from his father...
6
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,796
...Bud decided to mak e
an exercise video starring Kelly.
7
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,031
Raphael is the only star.
8
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,989
Well, if l am not the star,
then l am walking.
9
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,031
However, Bud's biggest problem is...
10
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,800
...he borrowed money from a
little man named Capone...
11
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,073
... who left a big man named Gino
to see that the video is done by 5.
12
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,356
Yo, Gino!
13
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,352
And now, back to the
adventures of...
14
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,313
...Lucky: The Hungriest Dog
in the World.
15
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,269
Or as you humans call it,
Married With Children.
16
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,958
Remember, Bud, 5:00.
17
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,070
Look, Gino...
18
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,753
...let's say l don't make the--
19
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,070
Cutoff point?
20
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,550
Look, let's just say--
21
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,955
What happens if l don't
finish the video on time?
22
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,794
Vito said there was some kind
of easy-payment plan?
23
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:56,555
lt is easy.
You don't pay us, we kill you.
24
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,430
lt don't get no easier than that.
25
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,831
What do you got in there?
26
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:06,390
Vito said l had until 5.
lt's not 5:00 yet.
27
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,269
No! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
28
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,159
Take it easy, Spiel-bug.
29
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,277
l'm just checking my e-mail.
30
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,357
Oh, gee, a PowerBook?
31
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,397
l never thought computers were for--
32
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,710
Big, dumb thugs?
33
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,552
See, we use computers now because
the family is very much into recycling.
34
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,758
Oh, you mean, like
glass, papers, cans?
35
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,389
No. Body parts.
36
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,999
Say, for a hypothetical, it's 5:00...
37
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,992
...Vito walks in, he ain't got no tape.
38
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,156
So l look up in my PowerBook...
39
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,960
...and see that Jim in Jersey
needs a spleen.
40
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,317
So we recycle your spleen into Jim.
41
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,434
Problem, solution.
42
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,880
Can l live without a spleen?
43
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,954
Perhaps, but little Joey in New Haven
needs a brain.
44
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:14,799
Kelly, Raphael, it's showtime.
45
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,040
-Hi, Officer Dan.
-Break a leg.
46
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,992
Ante up.
47
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,034
Peggy, thank you so much
for having us over to watch...
48
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:29,792
-...our husbands fall off the roof.
-Yeah, my Dan does so little work...
49
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,673
...around the house l never get to
see him step on a nail...
50
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,316
...or accidentally shoot himself
cleaning his gun, or anything.
51
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,629
Well, at least you get to see
your husband's gun.
52
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:48,075
Okay, girls, now it's time to play
Who's Next to Fall...
53
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,109
...where we will bet on
which husband will fall next.
54
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,510
And where they'll land.
55
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,876
l'll take Al on the patio.
56
00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,553
Bring a book.
57
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:05,509
Oh, l'll take Bob Rooney
on the birdbath.
58
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,160
Give me lke on the garden rake.
59
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:15,478
Okay, l'll take Officer Dan on lke.
60
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:26,119
lke got the garden rake.
We have a winner!
61
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:39,195
Officer Dan on lke.
We have two winners!
62
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,669
Maybe l should just paint a target
on my back the next time.
63
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,395
Hey, gentlemen!
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
64
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,876
Now we've all hit the ground
at least twice.
65
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,638
-Well, l haven't.
-Well, give us a second.
66
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,197
All right, now.
67
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,874
Now that we've got that
out of our systems.
68
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,396
-No more fooling around.
-All right, all right. Let's see here.
69
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:24,111
l've got bracket S and washer T.
70
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,317
Hey, Dan, hand me screw U.
71
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,870
-What?
-l said, screw U.
72
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,712
Up yours, you--
73
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,993
Hey, focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus.
74
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,273
Now, we've all got a job to do.
75
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,152
Well, l guess Al won't be needing
this old antenna anymore.
76
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,868
Hey, wait, you can't tear that down.
77
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,078
This is the home
of a future baby bird.
78
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,474
The only future for this baby
is in an omelette for me.
79
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,553
You're making a big mistake,
Bob Rooney.
80
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,028
You touch an egg...
81
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,192
...that makes the mama bird
really mad.
82
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:15,393
Well, l don't see no
mama bird around.
83
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,073
Maybe not...
84
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,676
...but there's a B-52 with a beak.
85
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,197
Hey! Hey! Put me down!
86
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,273
Let me go!
87
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,079
Who would have thought a bird could
lift Bob Rooney 7 0 feet in the air?
88
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,071
Well, she won't make 1 00.
89
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,480
Oh, it's Bob Rooney on Griff.
90
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,075
Daily double.
91
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,111
Do you have '' Mortal Kombat'' in there?
92
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,670
Are you kidding?
l got the highest score in the mob.
93
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,229
Gino, good news.
94
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,436
l can kill you now?
95
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,239
No, l meant good news for me.
l patched things up...
96
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,670
-...between Kelly and Raphael.
-How?
97
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,990
l did what any respectable director
would do.
98
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,998
l lied to them and offered them points
in the film.
99
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,038
-Net?
-Of course.
100
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,074
Okay, guys.
101
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,550
lf we're ready, everybody
on their opening marks.
102
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,916
Places, babes.
103
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,918
Okay! Let's cue the music.
104
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,628
-Who brought the music?
-l did.
105
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,350
Raphael did.
106
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:45,879
This isn't a problem.
107
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,588
l'm gonna listen to them both
and choose the best one.
108
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,957
lf you don't use my music,
then l am walking.
109
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,351
lf you don't use Raphael's music,
he is walking.
110
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,353
And do not try to stop us.
111
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,199
Bud, l got good news.
112
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,000
You're gonna see Paris.
113
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,558
You're gonna send me to Paris?
114
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,597
No, just your eyes.
115
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,878
Look, guys, we said
we'd give it a try.
116
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,192
Raphael, l promised you your
name would come first...
117
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,000
...when l report him to the lNS.
118
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:44,354
And, Kelly, l promised you a star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
119
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,989
Right next to Garfield, right?
120
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,358
Okay.
121
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,990
Raphael will do it,
but he will not smile.
122
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,198
Okay. l will do it, and l will smile.
123
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,433
But when l am facing Raphael, l am
going to stick out my tongue like this.
124
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,032
Okay, okay. Now, that we're
all adults...
125
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,748
...can we please start
this damn exercise video?
126
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,833
Kelly, you won the toss,
we'll open the number with your music.
127
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,079
Okay, okay? Ready, and....
128
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,592
Cut! Cut! Cut!
129
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,798
Raphael.
130
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,639
What's the matter?
131
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,518
Raphael is much man.
132
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,718
He cannot work out to this noise.
133
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:56,238
He would much rather give
CPR to Rosie O'Donell.
134
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,235
Fine. Then let's see what you
have, munch man.
135
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,278
That is much man.
136
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,511
Not from here.
137
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,918
Okay, okay, okay. Fine.
138
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,596
Let's just dance
to Raphael's music, okay?
139
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,909
Ready. Five, six, seven, eight.
140
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,952
All right, stop the music!
141
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,599
Cut!
142
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:40,678
Now what?
143
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,310
ls it just me or does anybody else here
feel like sneaking into Canada...
144
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,954
...under the cover of darkness?
145
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,277
That is it.
146
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,999
We are walking.
147
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,515
So are Kelly.
148
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,116
Good teeth, Bud.
149
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,790
l like that in a dead guy.
150
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,439
Hey, Gino, how's the kid doing?
151
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,592
He's not that talented, Bebe,
but he's got a lot of heart.
152
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:21,277
That's good, because l got a guy
in Chattanooga that needs one.
153
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,309
Gino, you'll never guess what me
and Vito did.
154
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,993
You're gonna love this.
155
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,195
Guys, can we just--?
156
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,109
Can we just, please, work together
and decide on a song?
157
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,830
l mean, we're talking about something
even more valuable than your pride.
158
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,155
My life.
159
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,597
Raphael would rather have you die
a thousand deaths before he dances...
160
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,870
...to her trashy music.
161
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,588
Yeah? l would rather have him die
a million deaths...
162
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,310
...before l dance to your
coochie-hoochie music.
163
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,871
Then Raphael would rather beat him
to death with his very own hands--
164
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,718
-l'd rather--
-Thank you, thank you!
165
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,679
Look, before my internal organs...
166
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,555
...absolutely, positively
have to be there overnight...
167
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,797
...l just wanna say,
l hate you both. Okay?
168
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,070
Kelly, you want to dance
to your music? Fine.
169
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,396
Dance to your music.
170
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,590
And, Raphael, you can dance
to your music. Here.
171
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,751
Okay. Okay, guys,
you can kill me now.
172
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,956
But just do me one favour, okay?
173
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,953
Tell me where to stand so the bullet
goes through them too.
174
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,475
-Not a problem.
-lt would be a pleasure.
175
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,996
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
These musics sound good together.
176
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,275
l could dance to this.
177
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,438
Raphael could dance
to this musics too.
178
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,273
Hold it. Hold the killing.
179
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,431
They're dancing.
180
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,557
-Damn.
-Damn.
181
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:20,153
l can't believe those idiots still
haven't got that satellite working.
182
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,359
And look at this reception.
The more they try, the worse it gets.
183
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,875
Just like in bed.
184
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,957
Let's face it, girls, they are never
gonna get that dish hooked up.
185
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,318
Man, this satellite dish is great.
186
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,949
Look at all these
different channels. There's...
187
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,430
...the wrestling channel.
188
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,989
There's the oil-wrestling channel.
189
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,789
The mud-wrestling channel.
190
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,315
The violence channel.
191
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,029
And best of all, no wife channel.
192
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,711
The wives don't even realize
we've got the dish hooked up.
193
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:18,794
What a bunch of fools,
living down there, inside the house.
194
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,475
Hey. Hey, you know, Captain Kirk
was wrong.
195
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,872
The final frontier isn't space.
lt's the roof.
196
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,875
All those years lying on my back
staring at the ceiling...
197
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,270
...just praying my misery
would go away...
198
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,795
...how could l know
that my little bit of heaven...
199
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,753
...was a mere 1 0 feet
above my head?
200
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,594
How's it coming, Al?
201
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:44,195
Oh, about five minutes, Peg.
202
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,671
And cut it.
203
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,480
Oh, that was beautiful.
204
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,711
Great job, Kelly.
205
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,800
Great job, Raphy baby.
206
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,277
l just love you babes.
207
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:16,833
Listen, when the dim blond
and El Boy-o Loco leave...
208
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:22,279
...you guys stick around
and we'll make us a real movie.
209
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,039
All right, that's a wrap.
210
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,875
Except for you chicks,
who will soon be unwrapped.
211
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,116
Excuse me, but Raphael
never leaves a shoot...
212
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:40,639
...until he is certain the director
has featured his good buttock.
213
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,237
Whoa, there, stomach, settle down.
214
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,232
Well, since we finished
an hour early...
215
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,199
...l guess we have time
to replay my masterpiece.
216
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,998
Let's check it out.
217
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,512
Oh, man.
218
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,511
Hitchcock...
219
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,352
...if you have a free hand...
220
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,910
...would you mind rewinding the tape
so that we can see me dancing?
221
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,913
Or Raphael dancing.
222
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,309
Gino, you'll never guess what me
and Vito did.
223
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,039
You're gonna love this.
224
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,350
You remember Alderman Harris?
225
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,272
The guy that stiffed us for 20 G's?
226
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,476
Well, you know what our motto is.
227
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,917
He who stiffs us becomes one.
228
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,235
So Vito sends his kidneys to Texas.
229
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,153
-He killed him?
-Not yet.
230
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:05,233
Bud, l'm starting to get the feeling
that these guys may be, you know:
231
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,432
What, really annoying?
232
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,552
No. Mobsters.
233
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,916
Wise guys.
234
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,234
Jolly goodfellas.
235
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,597
Do you think, Kel?
236
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,675
lf they find out
we have this on tape...
237
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,797
...they will kill Raphael
in such a way...
238
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,753
... that he cannot have
an open-casket funeral.
239
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,274
Listen, we got one hour. All we have to
do is edit out the incriminating stuff...
240
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,869
...before Vito gets here,
and there's no problem.
241
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:44,078
Hey, Bud.
242
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,911
-Now there's a problem.
-l know l'm a little early...
243
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,032
...but l couldn't wait
to see the tape. Here, give me.
244
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,038
l would but....
245
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,069
Raphael, tell him why we
can't give him the tape.
246
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,359
Oh, well, you see, because--
247
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,154
Kelly, why don't you tell them
why we can't give the tape.
248
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,916
Because we recorded stuff about you
sending the guy's kidneys to Texas.
249
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,709
Way to throw them off track, Kel.
250
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:18,595
Do them.
251
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,234
And when you're done, Bebe,
do yourself.
252
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,993
Can do, boss.
253
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,993
Wait, wait, wait. Look, look,
Mr. Capone.
254
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:30,233
Please, look, l can understand you
wanting to kill us...
255
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,516
...but please spare my sister.
256
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,478
She's harmless.
257
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,272
l mean, she could never
identify you.
258
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,189
She can't even grasp the concept
of up and down.
259
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,669
Down yours, Bud.
260
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,879
Sorry, kid, but as they
say in Hollywood...
261
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,917
...you'll never work
in this town again.
262
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,116
Or any town.
263
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,670
Hold it, Capone! Police.
264
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,234
Put your guns down
and your hands against the wall.
265
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,119
-Frisk them, Farrah.
-You got it, Kate.
266
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,430
Come on, Jaclyn.
267
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,675
l'd thank you,
but it's not proper for stars...
268
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,992
...to associate
with background dancers.
269
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:29,238
Where could you have possibly
concealed those weapons?
270
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,038
l touched you all over.
271
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,193
We know. That's why you're
going to jail.
272
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,911
Soon you, too, will be
touched all over.
273
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,032
Wait, wait! No!
274
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,512
Good neighbour. Good neighbour.
275
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,674
All right, lights out. Watch the news.
276
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,997
And in local news,
three organized crime figures...
277
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,953
...whose names have been withheld
to protect their privacy...
278
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,555
... were convicted of murder
and rack eteering...
279
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:18,351
.. fined $1 0 and given 50 hours
of community service.
280
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:20,958
In a related crime story...
281
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,555
...video director
Bud Franklin Bundy...
282
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,156
... whose home address is
available upon request...
283
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,995
... was the first man to be given
a life sentence under the new...
284
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,318
... ''one strik e and you're out''
sexual-harassment law.
285
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,434
Don't worry...
286
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,638
...l have corrupt friends downtown.
287
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,188
Let's go get him out.
288
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:45,919
Hey, wait, guys.
289
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,479
l see hooters.
290
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,836
Hooters, hooters, hooters!
291
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:53,356
Hooters, hooters, hooters!1
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,111
Griff, what's with
all the stampeding women?
2
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,158
Well, either Enoch the janitor's
dancing bottomless again...
3
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,397
...or Babcock Shoes is having
another sale.
4
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:31,755
l don't get it.
5
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,912
l've been working in the same mall
with Babcock for 20 years.
6
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,549
What does his shoe store have
that this one doesn't?
7
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,839
-Do you have any black pumps?
-Nope, never carry them.
8
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,514
Then l'm going to Babcock's.
9
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,672
Why does Floyd's business
do better?
10
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,717
You know, Griff, l think it's location.
11
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,196
l doubt it. Babcock's is between
World of Carbuncles...
12
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,789
...and House of Floss.
13
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:03,039
Well, whatever it is,
just once l'd like to beat him.
14
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,510
Griff, l'm gonna
have to do something crafty.
15
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,990
Maybe you could slip him
a stick of dynamite...
16
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,437
...cleverly disguised
as a Cuban cigar.
17
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,315
You idiot. Where am l gonna get
a Cuban cigar?
18
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:23,635
Griff, is it me or is there the smell
of Old Spice and bacon in the air?
19
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,196
-Hello, Babcock.
-Bundy, glad you're here.
20
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,989
Though, if you weren't,
sales might improve.
21
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,474
lt's so busy at my store...
22
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,195
...that my son here, Little Floyd,
can't study.
23
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:40,193
lf you're looking for peace and quiet,
don't take him home...
24
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,836
...where the Chicago Bulls
are practicing lay-ups with your wife.
25
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,160
An adultery joke. You see, Bundy...
26
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,352
...that doesn't work on a guy
with two beautiful mistresses.
27
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,672
-You didn't hear that.
-Yes, Dad.
28
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,235
Come on, Babcock.
You didn't bring your boy--
29
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,790
Who suspiciously looks
like Dennis Rodman.
30
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,790
--you didn't bring him down here
just to study.
31
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,190
You're right.
This is more of a life lesson.
32
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:14,788
You see, my son, Little Floyd,
and your son, Little Nobody...
33
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,350
...are in the same Entrepreneurial
Studies class at Trumaine.
34
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,876
And we both have to come up with
a product and a marketing campaign.
35
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,594
And you brought Little Dweeb-o here
to the mall...
36
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,551
...to see how real businesses work?
37
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:35,476
Yes, and to your store
to see how they don't work.
38
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,679
So you see, son, when you create
your marketing product...
39
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,151
...what are you not going to do?
40
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:52,879
Don't worry, Bundy, you'll beat me
at something someday, maybe.
41
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,877
Just kidding.
42
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,712
Your wife's uglier than my wife.
43
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,713
-Oh, good one, Al.
-That's it.
44
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,192
lf l can't beat Babcock in business,
l'll beat him where it hurts.
45
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,749
ln the nads?
46
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,550
Close. His son.
47
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,117
Great. l'll keep the car running...
48
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,198
...while you hit that little guy
with a bag of oranges.
49
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,238
That's what they expect me to do.
50
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,079
No. l'll get my revenge...
51
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,875
...when Bud beats Little Floyd
in his marketing project.
52
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,112
Bud's product, whatever it is...
53
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,834
...will be pure genius.
54
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:39,114
And now,
the Bundy hands-free page-turner.
55
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,638
This is what you're planning
on marketing?
56
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,551
l don't know why l let you put yourself
through college.
57
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,437
Son, don't you understand?
This project is very important?
58
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,955
l didn't know you cared so much
about my education.
59
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,111
Well, l don't.
60
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,516
This is about me and Floyd Babcock.
61
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,075
See, l've never been able
to beat him in business.
62
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:21,116
Yeah, so order some nice shoes
and have a sale.
63
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,752
Why would l work that hard
when l have you?
64
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,918
See, Bud, his son and you
are in the same class.
65
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,755
Now, all you have to do is get a
higher grade than him on this project...
66
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,996
...and l'll have my revenge.
67
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,351
See, this is exactly
why l didn't play Little League.
68
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:42,593
No, son, you didn't play Little League,
because you threw like a girl.
69
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,152
What sells in the '90s...
70
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:50,193
...is the same thing that has sold
since the beginning of time.
71
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,317
-What, shoes?
-Well, sure, of course.
72
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,398
That's why we're living here
in the lap of luxury.
73
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,672
Bud, l'm talking about sex.
74
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,674
So, what, you want me
to become a pimp?
75
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,911
No, you'd have to be able
to protect your girls for that.
76
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:10,629
Well, what then, Dad?
77
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,839
Why do l have to think of everything?
You're supposed to be the smart one.
78
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,431
-Hello.
-Hi, Al.
79
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,835
-Peg?
-Yeah, it's me.
80
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,991
l'm just on my way out to find Dad.
81
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,349
Well, when did you leave?
82
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:30,715
Yesterday.
83
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,798
Well, no wonder the sex was good
last night.
84
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:39,109
Oh, but don't worry, Al,
l'll be home just as soon as l find Dad.
85
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:43,239
And believe me,
l am leaving no stone unturned.
86
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,756
-Where are you?
-Well, l just left Tiffany's.
87
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:50,549
You wouldn't believe how big
some of their stones are.
88
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,716
You ought to see some of mine.
89
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:57,398
l just felt a big one leave my kidneys
and head for my urinary tract.
90
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,075
Now, look, Peg...
91
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,909
...don't go using this trip as an excuse
to spend all my money.
92
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,749
Al, l am trying to save
my parents' marriage.
93
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,600
This is not about you
and your stupid money.
94
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,758
Now, look, l gotta go.
l'll call you later.
95
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,629
-That was Mom?
-Yeah.
96
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,672
Yeah, she left us.
97
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,390
-Mom's gone?
-Yeah.
98
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,069
-Was it something l did?
-l don't know.
99
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,758
Maybe.
100
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,037
But, look, Bud, the important thing...
101
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,800
...is that you come up with a good idea
for this project.
102
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,594
One that'll beat Little Floyd.
Son, you're my last chance.
103
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,189
My children are my only hope.
104
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,356
Hey, you guys.
105
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,715
My new calendar came in.
106
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,037
The Buns of '' USC.''
107
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,999
Looks like it's just down to you, son.
108
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,710
Oh, my God, look at these buns.
109
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,713
Oh, l knew l should have gone
to '' USC.''
110
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:11,632
Kelly, l think you just '' imbeciled''
onto a great idea.
111
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,356
What, sending me to '' USC''?
112
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,588
No. Making a calendar like this
for Trumaine.
113
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,872
You wanna make a calendar
of men's butts?
114
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,635
No. l'm talking about doing a calendar
of the girls of Trumaine.
115
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:28,350
See, all l'll need is a camera
and 1 2 beautiful women.
116
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:29,879
Well, let's see.
117
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:34,511
You have your Lieutenant Uhura doll.
118
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,596
Barbie.
119
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,918
lsis.
120
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,276
Strawberry Shortcake.
121
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:47,674
Oh, and that little pink sock
you put on your hand and call Missy.
122
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,596
Yeah, go ahead and scoff now, Kel.
123
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:55,549
But if l put out a casting call
and say l'm making movies for HBO...
124
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,113
...beautiful women will come.
125
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,272
Oh, yes, they will come.
126
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,678
Oh, cool.
127
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,718
Page-turner for my calendar.
128
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,150
That-- That was great.
129
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,233
-That was the best shoot of the day.
-Thanks, bud.
130
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,317
l was a little nervous
about doing this...
131
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,479
...because, well, all my friends say
you're a perverted horndog.
132
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:03,071
-But you're really not.
-Oh, well, thanks.
133
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,237
By the way, did you drop
your contact lens on the floor there?
134
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:11,069
l thought l saw your....
135
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,838
Hey, Bud.
136
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,838
Move, you're blocking my shot.
137
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,553
lt's okay, Jefferson.
138
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,433
l've got her covered from here.
139
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,153
Oh, man.
140
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,873
Hold it right there.
141
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,793
Well, l believe that we now
have photographed...
142
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,037
...the back of every shoebox
in Chicago.
143
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,832
Just as we intended...
144
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,390
...for that coffee-table book
of shoebox backs.
145
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,039
Well, to the Fotomat.
146
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,071
Run.
147
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,639
What is it?
Al, l'm trying to run a business.
148
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,871
But you wouldn't know
anything about that.
149
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:27,397
Yeah, like l wouldn't know about you
trying on women's shoes after closing.
150
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,315
You didn't hear that.
151
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,114
Babcock, l just brought you here
to show my genius son...
152
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,237
...and what his class project is.
153
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,591
lt's the calendar of the girls
of Trumaine. She's Miss November.
154
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,399
lt's not bad, Bundy,
but l'm sure my son can top that.
155
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,269
-What's your project Little Floyd?
-Okay.
156
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:49,629
l've invented a printer...
157
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,628
...that is simultaneously compatible
with both lBMs and Macintoshes.
158
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,872
lt'll revolutionize
the computer industry.
159
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,840
You win, Bundy.
160
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,396
How dare you take my name,
Little Floyd?
161
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:16,555
From this moment forth,
l shall refer to you only as Little.
162
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,519
That's funny,
that's how Mom refers to you.
163
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,475
You didn't hear that.
164
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,791
Damned if l didn't.
165
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:37,429
Hey, l just remembered something.
l don't wear contact lenses.
166
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,910
l'll see you
in Astrophysics tomorrow, Bud.
167
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,315
l'll be right behind you.
168
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:50,839
You guys think she's great?
169
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,231
l've got Crystal Clark
to be on the cover of my calendar.
170
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:58,433
-You got Crystal Clark?
-Who's Crystal Clark?
171
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,157
Right here.
172
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,470
Al, l've got an idea.
173
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,635
Divorce our wives...
174
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,195
...and move to Saudi Arabia
so we can marry Crystal?
175
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,072
No.
176
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,952
Yes.
177
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,112
But first, l propose we talk
to a publisher friend of mine.
178
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:19,069
We can take this calendar national,
make ourselves a fortune.
179
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:23,154
-But we still marry Crystal?
-Oh, sure, sure.
180
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,828
Well, how much are you willing
to invest?
181
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:27,475
Ten thou.
182
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,638
Great. l'll throw in 1 0 too.
183
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,714
So we'll have $20,000.
184
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:38,072
No, we'll have $1 0,01 0.
185
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,835
Oh, it was my son Bud's idea.
l want half.
186
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,355
Forget it. Look, Bundy,
l'm taking all the risk.
187
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,558
l mean, what if
this is a touched-up picture?
188
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,678
-Hi, Crystal.
-Hi, Bud.
189
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,831
Well, l'm touched.
190
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,639
And l'm up.
Let's go fax this to the publisher.
191
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,591
So are you ready
for your photo shoot?
192
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,951
Sure. Who were those two
drooling geezers with Little Floyd?
193
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,598
Those-- Those were our fathers.
194
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:14,516
That was Big Floyd and Big Void.
195
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,238
Crystal, remember how l said
this was gonna be a class project?
196
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,870
Well, l've got great news.
We are going national.
197
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,516
This is gonna be sold coast-to-coast
and all you can say is, ''Oh''?
198
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:34,157
l can also say l'm sorry, Bud,
l can't pose for your calendar anymore.
199
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,392
What do you mean
she doesn't wanna do it?
200
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,912
Don't you know how much money
l've got riding on this calendar?
201
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,954
-Oh, yeah, l know. You had $1 0, Dad.
-That's beside the point.
202
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,033
Don't you realize how many
hundreds of thousands of dollars...
203
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,510
...that $1 0 was going to earn?
204
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,075
You were gonna share how much
of that money with me?
205
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,033
Again we deviate from the point.
206
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,676
Look, Dad, l got her to come over.
l'll talk her into it, okay?
207
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,708
You better,
or l'm cutting you out of the will.
208
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,030
Wait a minute, that's no punishment.
209
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,753
l'm putting you in the will.
210
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,430
You'll owe millions.
211
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,678
Hi, Dad.
212
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,878
Kelly, l don't get it.
213
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,112
Why would Crystal not wanna be
in a national calendar?
214
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,956
l mean, if someone asked me
to pose in Speedos, l'd do it.
215
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,391
Gee, Bud, thanks for the visual.
216
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,512
Kelly, please help me.
Crystal's gonna be here any second.
217
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,598
l have no idea how l'm gonna
convince her to be in my calendar.
218
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,553
Well, why don't you try
being sincere?
219
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,991
What, you mean
like completely honest?
220
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,912
That goes against everything
l stand for.
221
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,270
That'd almost be like talking
to a guy.
222
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:02,151
Well, that's exactly how she'll feel.
Anyway, l'm gonna go upstairs...
223
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:06,876
...and finish reading my calendar
of the Buns of '' UCLA.''
224
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:15,153
-Hey, Bud. You wanted to see me?
-Yeah, Crystal.
225
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,949
l wanted to be sincere with you about
this calendar and what it means to me.
226
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,679
Okay.
227
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,712
Crystal...
228
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:32,393
...l don't talk about my brother much.
229
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,717
But, well, Judd and l...
230
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:44,156
...we were born Siamese twins.
231
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,631
We shared everything.
Well, we had to.
232
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:54,229
And then came that awful day
when we had to go our separate ways.
233
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,471
l went to school...
234
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,990
...and Judd went into a Mason jar.
235
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,077
We don't expect him
to live very long.
236
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:10,599
l mean, he's not much more
than an eye and a foot and some hair.
237
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:16,471
But you see,
l made him this solemn promise...
238
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,432
...that l would make him a calendar...
239
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,552
...of the best damn good-looking girls
at Trumaine.
240
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,268
So, Crystal,
if you can't do this for me...
241
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:29,514
...just do it for that little lost boy
in the Mason jar.
242
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:32,348
What do you say?
243
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,956
Okay.
244
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,950
The truth is, l really need you
to pose for this calendar...
245
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,752
...because without you,
it's nothing.
246
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:50,439
l'm sorry, Bud. l just can't pose
for a national calendar.
247
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,676
l mean, what if my parents saw me?
248
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,678
Yeah, but it's not like
you're gonna be nude or anything.
249
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,714
-Well, what would l be wearing?
-This.
250
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:06,148
-That?
-Yeah, yeah, it's a large.
251
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,394
l'm sorry, Bud, l just can't.
You don't understand.
252
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,870
Oh, Crystal, please, please.
253
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,157
Look, you've got nothing
to be ashamed of.
254
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,470
l mean, you got a great body.
255
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,915
And don't worry
about what your parents think.
256
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,674
Parents love their children
no matter what they do.
257
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,195
Damn you, Kelly!
258
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,038
You ate my last Hershey's Kiss!
259
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,110
-You're in the will!
-No, Dad, no!
260
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,279
Crystal, please.
261
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,353
You are the most beautiful woman
l've ever seen.
262
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,160
And l'm not just talking
on the outside.
263
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,868
l mean, you should be proud
of who you are.
264
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:53,870
You know, maybe doing this calendar
isn't such a bad idea after all.
265
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:58,193
l'll let my parents know
l've finally become a woman.
266
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,279
Thank you, Bud.
267
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,277
You don't know how much
this means to me.
268
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,550
And you don't know how much
that meant to me.
269
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:14,988
Yes.
270
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,599
Oh, man.
271
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:29,154
ls Crystal wearing
really, really short cutoff jeans...
272
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,472
...or does she just have
stonewashed skin?
273
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,830
lt doesn't matter.
274
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,473
Hey, Floyd, next time, let's do
the 1 2 Months of Crystal calendar.
275
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,712
All Crystal, all the time.
276
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,599
l think l can dig up about 5 bucks.
277
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,319
Dad, guess what.
278
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,711
l got an A-plus on my project.
279
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,353
l knew you wouldn't let me down,
son.
280
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,639
-How'd you do, Little Floyd?
-l got an A.
281
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,189
Come on over here, son.
282
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,317
Not you.
283
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,751
Our son, mine and Al's.
284
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,477
Hey, guess what.
There's more great news.
285
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,473
Crystal's going on Chicago Live
to publicize the calendar.
286
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,513
Floyd, can you say:
287
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,919
Oh, l'm telling you, Dads...
288
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,999
...she is so hot,
l think l'm gonna ask her out tonight.
289
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,596
You can marry her with me and Floyd
for all l care.
290
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,150
As long as she keeps making
these calendars, she's family.
291
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,794
Hey. Hey, guys, be quiet.
Chicago Live is on.
292
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:46,192
Now, Crystal, what made you decide
to do a calendar lik e this?
293
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,000
A wonderful man named Bud Bundy.
294
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:53,028
With his kind words, he convinced me
that l have nothing to be ashamed of.
295
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,431
And he's quite the kisser.
296
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:03,753
Yes! Everyone knows l kissed her.
l am a god.
297
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,349
Now, Crystal...
298
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,313
...you said there's something
you wanted to tell the world...
299
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,590
... live on our show.
300
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,195
She's gonna propose to me.
301
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,510
l do.
302
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,119
Yes.
303
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,995
lt's time for my family
and the rest of the world...
304
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,236
...to see the person l've become.
305
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,313
Bud Bundy has made me proud
to be a woman...
306
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,632
... who was born a man.1
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,391
Bad news, Mr. D'Arcy.
l'm afraid we're gonna have to operate.
2
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,636
-You do have insurance, don't you?
-Yes.
3
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,195
Well, then we will be
using anaesthesia.
4
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,030
And how are we today, Mr. O'Malley?
5
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,479
My heart hurts.
6
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,551
Good, good.
7
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,632
Tack on another grand
for the consultation.
8
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,478
Thank you.
9
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,798
Hey!
10
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,112
They can get away with anything...
11
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,517
...just because they changed
their first name to ''doctor.''
12
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,713
Man, when you lose your looks....
13
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,309
Hi, Mr. D'Arcy.
14
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,718
Wow, you look.... You look great.
15
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,756
Remind me on the way home
to pick up a black dress, okay?
16
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,152
Kelly.
17
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,951
Hey, Mr. D'Arcy. You look great.
18
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,794
Well, compared to that guy.
19
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,869
Hey, you guys.
Thanks for coming by.
20
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,680
Where's your dad
and the rest of my buddies?
21
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,350
They wanted to come,
but there was an emergency.
22
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,034
l thought they said
there was a game on.
23
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,314
There was an emergency game.
24
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,715
lt just broke out.
25
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,391
But they did send some candy.
26
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,158
Oh, where is it?
27
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,118
lt melted on the way over here.
28
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,271
Yeah, in our stomachs.
29
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:03,748
-Later, man.
-See you.
30
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,997
Hey, don't you guys
wanna know how l got here?
31
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,354
You promised we wouldn't
have to talk to him.
32
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,919
lt all started on the day
of my anniversary.
33
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,153
Al and the guys were having a
special NO MA'AM breakfast meeting.
34
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:24,798
Oh, Froot Loops and beer,
the breakfast of champions.
35
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,956
Don't you know that breakfast is
the most important meal of the day?
36
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,355
So just Fruit Loops for you?
37
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,356
No. Just beer.
38
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,715
Focus! Focus, gentlemen, focus.
39
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,838
We are here
on an important mission.
40
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,196
To save our brother, D'Arcy...
41
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:50,115
...from the fire-breathing,
lipless beak of his wife...
42
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,998
...on the day when all married men
need their friends the most:
43
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,310
Their wedding anniversary.
44
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:02,870
Brother Dan, has code name
KFC flown the coop yet?
45
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,068
No, but she's headed
for the living room.
46
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,630
Let's hope there's a man left to
rescue after Marcie's done with him.
47
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:14,317
Don't be ridiculous. Jefferson may look
like a pretty boy, but he's all man.
48
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:18,077
Oh, Lance, how I've longed for you.
49
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,675
Don't do it, Lance.
50
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,154
She's really your sister.
51
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:29,791
Jefferson, did you make me coffee?
52
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,470
Yes, dear.
53
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,988
Oh, a 3:00 job interview?
54
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,037
Fine.
55
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,230
Could you hold on?
l got another call.
56
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,590
Give me that.
57
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,959
You know what day it is today?
58
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,478
Today?
59
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,272
Of course, it's your--
60
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:07,911
lt's my--
61
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,551
lt's our?
62
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,030
lt's our....
63
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:16,670
What could we possibly
have in common?
64
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:22,195
lt's our anniversary,
you soap-addicted wastrel.
65
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:27,036
Oh, Marcie, l was gonna surprise you,
but now you've ruined it. l--
66
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,198
Don't talk. Just listen.
67
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:32,799
l'll go to work.
68
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,996
Then l'll come home.
69
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,239
l'll set the table...
70
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,436
...l'll cook the dinner...
71
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:44,759
...and tonight in bed,
l'll even do all the work.
72
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,793
All you have to do is look pretty...
73
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,428
...smell nice and stay away from Al...
74
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,313
...and those NO MA'AM idiots.
75
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:05,076
Marcie, why can't l play with Al?
76
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,830
lt's my anniversary too.
77
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:13,552
Look, l am tired of spending my
anniversary bailing you out of jail.
78
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,712
Now, you just shower and shave...
79
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,839
...and be here when l get home at 7.
80
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,358
-Jefferson.
-Hey, hey, hey.
81
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,551
Look, no, l know why
you guys are here...
82
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,439
...and whatever it is,
l just can't do it, okay?
83
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,398
l promised Marcie
l would stay home...
84
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,791
...and there's nothing you can say
to make me go back on that promise.
85
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,999
But it's foreign-exchange day
at the Jiggly Room.
86
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:50,389
Featuring hooters from our sister city,
Chihuahua, Mexico.
87
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,950
-Hey, why aren't you guys at work?
-We're sick.
88
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,988
Except for me, l'm working.
89
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,038
The mayor has been tak en hostage.
90
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,555
All available units--
91
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,157
Come on, let's go to the nudie bar.
92
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:12,871
No, no, no. Look, l just--
l can't do it, it's my anniversary.
93
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,190
Well, we know that.
That's our gift to you.
94
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:19,519
Yeah. And guess who
the featured dancer is.
95
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,069
Miss Sierra Madre.
96
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,835
Sixty-three triple-K.
97
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,392
Come on, Jefferson.
98
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,359
lt's just us, some liquor
and a bunch of Mexican strippers.
99
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,073
What could happen?
100
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:39,478
Well, you put it that way, okay.
Hey, but l have to be back by 7.
101
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,155
Well, that only gives us nine hours.
102
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,277
Arriba!
103
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,995
So the point is,
they practically forced me to go.
104
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,879
Hey, where are you guys going?
105
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,832
That was such a good ending,
we thought you were finished.
106
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,234
Heck, no. l was just getting started.
107
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:08,392
Nurse, l need a Q-Tip and a hammer.
108
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,878
Just pinch that tube,
he'll fall right asleep.
109
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,398
Cool.
110
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:27,319
So l went with Al and the guys
to the nudie bar with...
111
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,152
...only the best of intentions.
112
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,631
Each and every one of us
was a perfect gentleman.
113
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,193
Oh, baby.
114
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,477
Hey, l'm a village person.
115
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,313
Mr. D'Arcy...
116
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,718
...should l continue to charge the lap
dances on your wife's credit card?
117
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,717
Sure, it's her anniversary too.
118
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,514
Oh, and have one yourself, lqbal.
119
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,719
One thousand thank-yous.
And dollars.
120
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,913
Jefferson, you told me
to tell you when it's 6:00.
121
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,515
Thanks, Al. When is it?
122
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,672
About a half-hour ago.
123
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,999
-l gotta get home.
-l was about to take you there.
124
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:38,471
Oh, yeah, right. l gotta get
to my home away from here.
125
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:43,392
l still have to get a present for....
What day is it?
126
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,750
All chicken's eve?
127
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,991
Yeah. No.
128
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,078
Marcie's birth-a-versary.
129
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,073
Oh, man, what am l gonna do?
130
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,070
Everybody, huddle up, huddle up.
131
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,197
All right, fellas, when one of us
is in need, what do we do?
132
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,796
Try to help him out and in so doing
we make things worse.
133
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,150
Exactly. But now we need to think of
an anniversary present.
134
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,998
Any ideas?
135
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:19,109
Hey, you know,
lingerie is always nice.
136
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,715
This is for Jefferson's wife?
137
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,152
Yeah....
138
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,714
Al, what did you get Peggy
for your anniversary?
139
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,279
Well, it depends on the year.
140
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:33,069
The first year is paper,
so l put a big bag over her head.
141
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,520
l can't wait for the
plastic anniversary.
142
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,077
-l just had a thought!
-What?
143
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,870
Why don't you get a tattoo?
144
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,436
l had my boyfriend's name
tattooed on me...
145
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,511
...for his birthday.
146
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,194
-l don't see no tattoo.
-Oh, no?
147
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,590
lt's right here.
148
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,752
Oh, man, l'd love
to be her boyfriend.
149
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,757
l'd love to be her boyfriend's name.
150
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,999
All right, fellas, break. Break it up.
151
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,152
-Jefferson, you gotta get one of those.
-Oh, l don't know, Al.
152
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,555
lt's hard enough that Marcie
has to support me.
153
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,952
-Having another mouth to feed....
-Not the girl, you beer nut!
154
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,798
l'm talking about a tattoo.
155
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,279
Yeah. Yeah, l mean,
what could be more romantic...
156
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,830
...than having a woman's name etched
into your arm by an accomplished...
157
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,476
-...body illustrator?
-ls there a tattoo artist in the house?
158
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,948
Harris, of course.
This is your lucky day, Jefferson.
159
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,156
Harris can do this for you.
160
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,231
Shake it, baby, shake it!
161
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,315
Well, Jefferson, how'd it go?
162
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,118
Great. l got my tattoo...
163
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:07,393
...and Harris passed out right after,
so l didn't even have to pay him.
164
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,716
-Yeah, let's see it.
-Let's see it, come on.
165
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,632
-Wanna see it?
-Let's see it, come on.
166
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,751
-Nothing there.
-Okay.
167
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,837
That's blank, man.
168
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,434
-Maybe l didn't get a tattoo.
-Oh, man.
169
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,918
l got one.
170
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,037
All right, Jefferson, drop trou.
171
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,232
-Hang two.
-Here we go, come on.
172
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,433
Marcie's gonna love this.
173
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,395
l don't know, Jefferson.
174
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,394
l think he left out the C.
175
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,760
What are you talking about?
176
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,435
l hate to tell you this, buddy...
177
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,712
...but you might be married
to Marcie...
178
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:58,232
...but your ass says '' l love Mary.''
179
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:28,278
So the tattoo on my butt said
'' l love M-A-R-Y.''
180
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:32,030
So, what's the problem?
M-A-R-Y, Marcy.
181
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,271
There's a C in Marcie.
182
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,513
M-A-R-Y-C?
183
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,476
Oh, oh, yeah, the C is silent, right.
184
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,838
That's it. l'm gone.
185
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,549
-Shouldn't we do something?
-Yeah, you're absolutely right.
186
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,197
So there l was with '' Mary''
tattooed on my rump...
187
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,994
...and Harris was too drunk
to repair the damage.
188
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,151
And l had to get home to Marcie.
189
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,830
Then Al said if l could
stall Marcie for a while...
190
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,474
...maybe he could come up
with a good plan.
191
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,756
And he almost did.
192
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,636
Honey, come on. Dinner is served.
193
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,358
Jefferson...
194
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,718
...sweetheart, exactly how many
pairs of pants are you wearing?
195
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,511
Exactly three.
196
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,315
-Why?
-Well, because...
197
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:02,548
...the third anniversary
is the pants anniversary.
198
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,191
lt's our fifth.
199
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,196
Well, l'm also wearing
two pairs of underwear.
200
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,109
What is going on?
201
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:18,353
All right, Marcie,
l'll be honest with you.
202
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,516
l was looking forward
to a little game of...
203
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,633
...strip poker later...
204
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,715
...and l intend to win.
205
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:34,115
ln that case, let's just skip dinner
and shuffle the cards.
206
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,430
Baby, you're trembling.
207
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,350
Come on, take me on the
veal scaloppine right now.
208
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,028
Hang on. No. No.
209
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,759
No, not after you've...
210
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,798
...gone to all this trouble.
211
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,630
There you go, Mary.
212
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,150
What'd you call me?
213
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:04,875
Mary.
214
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,436
lt's my secret little pet name for you.
215
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:14,232
l mean, Marcie's gotta be
long for something like Mary.
216
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,870
l hate the name Mary.
217
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,111
Now sit down and eat.
218
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,878
l think l'll eat standing.
219
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,231
Why?
220
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,879
Because...
221
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,755
...l find the top
of your head so beautiful.
222
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,830
That and the name Mary are my
two favourite things about you.
223
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,750
Jefferson, sit.
224
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,872
Yes, dear.
225
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,558
Honey, why are you down there?
226
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,598
Because...
227
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,950
...l worship you.
228
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,316
Jefferson, eat your dinner now.
Save your knees for later.
229
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,071
Yes, dear.
230
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,709
This looks great.
231
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,359
Hurry up and eat your dinner...
232
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,915
...because afterwards we can
go upstairs and have...
233
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,951
...dessert.
234
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,236
Oh, boy.
235
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,310
Jefferson, enough.
236
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,158
Bed, now.
237
00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:03,113
Marcie, it's healthy to chew
every bite of food 2500 times.
238
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,589
-One. Two.
-Look...
239
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,354
-Three.
-...l am going upstairs to get ready.
240
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:14,594
When l come back down, l want you
out of food and out of your pants.
241
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,876
All of them.
242
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:28,671
Al, how's it coming?
243
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:33,038
Fine, fine. We're almost ready.
Call back in a few minutes.
244
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,750
No.
That doesn't look like a C either.
245
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:42,598
Hey, he's been trying for three hours.
There isn't much room left.
246
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,193
We're gonna have to shave
that other cheek.
247
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,550
Come on, Harris. For God's sake,
just make a C. How tough can it be?
248
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,911
-l need a shot.
-l'll give you a shot.
249
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,514
Al, is that you?
250
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,112
Al, I'm in Paris.
251
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,079
Everyone here
is so rude and smelly...
252
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,437
...l'm just thinking
about you all the time.
253
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,956
Oh, Al, l know you
think about me too.
254
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,475
l wish l could see
your face right now.
255
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,876
Oh, stop barking at me.
256
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,908
l know you're upset about the cost
of me taking the Concorde over here...
257
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,151
...but l'm hot on Dad's trail.
258
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,279
Yeah, he was spotted at
a Jerry Lewis film festival.
259
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,317
Bad dog.
260
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,232
That doesn't look like a C.
261
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,118
Lay off, will you?
262
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,999
C is a tough letter.
263
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,158
When your blood has more alcohol
than plasma, they're all tough letters.
264
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,512
Hello. Yeah, Jefferson, come on over.
He's as ready as he's gonna be.
265
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,191
Hold it, partner.
266
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,950
Going somewhere?
267
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,958
Me?
268
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,631
No, ma'am.
269
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,436
Say, l got an idea.
270
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,279
To enhance the pleasure...
271
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:25,389
...why don't you go up
and hide somewhere real sexy...
272
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:31,717
...and l'll count while you hide,
and when l find you, oh, baby....
273
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,671
One.
274
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,034
So then what happened?
275
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,512
Well, l made it over
to your dad's house.
276
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,199
Harris repaired the tattoo...
277
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,279
...and Marcie finally got her
anniversary present.
278
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,998
Well, so if the tattoo was fixed,
then why do you need surgery now?
279
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,438
Take a look.
280
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,556
Old-guy butt.
281
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,388
'' l love Marty''?
282
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,308
So l guess you're here
to have that thing removed, huh?
283
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:35,714
Well, yeah, that...
284
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,549
...and the other thing.
285
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,956
What other thing?1
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:21,195
Well, frat bros, tomorrow we leave
for spring break in Fort Lauderdale...
2
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,954
...and we show the babes
what kind of men we really are.
3
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,153
Hey, come on, guys.
4
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,994
Work with me, all right?
This is our big chance to score.
5
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,476
Now, the ratio of girls to guys
at spring break is 6-to-1 .
6
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,674
That's the same ratio
of girls to guys at our college.
7
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,115
We don't score there.
8
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,080
That's because those girls
know us already.
9
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:55,552
See, these girls will be total strangers,
and they'll be really drunk.
10
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:59,509
You are the coolest guy we know.
11
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:05,269
You have had live sex six times.
12
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,359
You must lead us.
13
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,676
And lead you l will, Achmed. Okay.
14
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,471
We got plane tickets.
15
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,790
We got hotel reservations.
16
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,314
Have we got protection?
17
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,913
-Hummer, what is this?
-lt's my sister's diaphragm.
18
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,556
You said to bring protection.
19
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,314
l wasn't talking about
that kind of protection.
20
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,678
What do we have here?
21
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,831
Who goes, '' Bud''?
22
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,268
Who goes, ''Weis''?
23
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,159
Who goes, '' Er''?
24
00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:00,359
You large-breasted girls
think you are so smart.
25
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,676
Guess where we're going
for spring break.
26
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,238
-Eunuch school?
-Gymboree?
27
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,948
The petting zoo in your pants?
28
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:12,748
Yeah, you wish.
29
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,468
Hey, we are flying
to Fort Lauderdale.
30
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,316
And staying in one very cool
hotel room overlooking the beach...
31
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,279
...where large-breasted girls
will be arching their backs...
32
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,836
...to make their breasts
seem even larger.
33
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:32,673
We will be thinking of you when we're
rubbing oil on large breasts.
34
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,593
Yeah, maybe Hummer's.
35
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,553
At least mine are real.
36
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,711
-Hey, ours are real!
-Hey! Hey!
37
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,310
Come on, guys.
Let's go down to the basement...
38
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,750
...and plan
our babe-scoring strategies.
39
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,155
l'll bring my diaphragm.
40
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,388
Yeah. Cool, man. Let's go.
41
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,792
You touch--
Don't even come near me. No.
42
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,032
This is so unfair.
43
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,316
We should be at spring break,
not them.
44
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,279
l mean, we're gorgeous,
and they're, like, gargoyles.
45
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:10,913
How do we get to spring break...
46
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,509
...when everything's booked,
and we don't have money?
47
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,597
That didn't stop us
from going to Vegas.
48
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,997
-Or Monte Carlo.
-Or the Arkansas Governor's Mansion.
49
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,515
l guess that was just me.
50
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,352
Well, we know what we have to do.
51
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,751
We just gotta figure out
who we're gonna do it with.
52
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:57,838
lt's your move, Griff.
53
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,194
You know what's really gonna make
this game better...
54
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,470
...is when we learn how to play.
55
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,832
Maybe.
56
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,278
Maybe not.
57
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,792
Hit me.
58
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,272
You didn't say, ''Simon says.''
59
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,111
Quick. l need something
l can wear with a bikini.
60
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,555
Well, that would be me.
61
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,439
Something in black
that goes with a bikini.
62
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,671
That would be me.
63
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,955
Miss, l'm not complaining
or anything...
64
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,634
...but isn't it a little cold
to be wearing a bikini?
65
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:01,150
Oh, it's not for here. We're going
to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.
66
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,311
Help yourselves to shoes, ladies.
67
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,080
We've also got a lot in back.
68
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,112
As do you girls.
69
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:17,150
-Do you take checks?
-Checks, cash, kisses.
70
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,555
Oh, spring break.
71
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,030
lt must be a beautiful sight, huh, Al?
72
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,670
How would l know?
My whole life's been a nuclear winter.
73
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,115
Only way l know it's spring
is when the snow melts...
74
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,880
...and l see my garbage
on Marcie's lawn.
75
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,080
-Thank you. Thanks for your help.
-Thank you so much.
76
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,548
-Thank you, girls.
-Bye.
77
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,318
Thank you. Bye-bye.
78
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:43,919
-Thank you. Bye.
-Bye-bye.
79
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,789
-Have a wonderful vacation.
-Bye-bye.
80
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,319
Why haven't we ever been
to spring break, Al?
81
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:03,189
Because we, in our infinite wisdom,
got married right after high school.
82
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,631
Junior high.
83
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,433
Think of all the things we missed
by getting married early.
84
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,148
Yeah. Chasing women...
85
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,358
...getting drunk
and vomiting every night.
86
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,520
Eating Vienna sausages
out of the can...
87
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:22,435
...over the sink, in the dark,
in your underwear.
88
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,709
What were we thinking?
89
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,990
Your turn to roll the dice.
90
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,919
Gee, Hummer...
91
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:44,349
...this couch is so small,
and your lap is so big.
92
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,794
ls there anyplace on it
for little old me?
93
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:58,150
lf it's all the same to you,
l'll just sit to the right of the mustard.
94
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:08,398
You know, it's such a shame,
us hitting it off like this...
95
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,633
...and you having to go away
for a whole week to Fort Lauderdale.
96
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,474
l don't have to go.
97
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,874
Oh, could you move
a little bit to the right?
98
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:20,997
l think my Pop Rocks are going off.
99
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,792
Well, we just have
one teensy-weensy little problem.
100
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:41,079
My boyfriend just hates it
when l sleep with other guys.
101
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,030
ls that your Pop Rocks again?
102
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,955
No, that's me.
103
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,432
Oh, if only l could send my boyfriend
away somewhere for a week.
104
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,189
You know, somewhere where there's
lots of girls so he won't miss me.
105
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,239
What? Fort Lauderdale, you say?
106
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,597
What a wonderful idea.
And you have a ticket.
107
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,229
Okay, meet me here tomorrow
at 4:00.
108
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,630
-Yeah.
-And don't tell anyone.
109
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,637
l won't.
110
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,715
lt'll be our little secret.
111
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,479
So, Ashley...
112
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,349
...you really wanna spend spring break
with me, down in my basement?
113
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:38,438
Nothing turns me on more than a guy
who lives in his parents' basement.
114
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,555
l knew it would pay off.
115
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,239
But first l have to get my insanely
jealous boyfriend out of town.
116
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:50,268
-l'll kill that sucker.
-No.
117
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,318
Because if you did, then l'd have
to take time away from us...
118
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,437
...to wear black panties
to his funeral.
119
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:59,434
And you know
how l hate to wear panties, Bud.
120
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,633
Hey, l have an idea.
121
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:14,117
Please to be sending your boyfriend
to Fort Lauderdale.
122
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,235
He could use $500 for new clothes.
123
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,829
Okay, guys, let's hit it.
124
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,877
Oh, wait a second.
125
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,348
l almost forgot.
126
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,313
You guys go on ahead.
l have to stay back...
127
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,228
...and feed the dog.
128
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,431
You, sir, are a liar.
129
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,871
And l have to go...
130
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:47,195
...to the bathroom,
for a very long time.
131
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,438
Okay, guys...
132
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,752
...l'll level with you.
133
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,678
l'm not going to spring break.
134
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,512
No, l'm gonna stay here with Ashley.
135
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,472
And l'm gonna have more sex
with her...
136
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:03,195
...than anyone has ever had with
anyone since the beginning of time.
137
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,800
That's where you're wrong.
Because me and your sister...
138
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:13,478
...are gonna have more sex
and curly fries than anyone ever.
139
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,959
No, no. Me and Mindy are gonna
run up the all-time high score.
140
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,151
You must all leave.
141
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:28,032
At any minute, Fawn is meeting me
here with her large, anxious breasts.
142
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,319
Wait a second. Wait a second.
143
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,074
So we're all getting some
right here in town?
144
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:34,633
What are the odds?
145
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,791
The girls should be here any minute.
146
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,190
-Any minute now.
-Yeah.
147
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,634
This is the life, huh, girls?
148
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,876
How come we never went
to spring break before?
149
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,958
-Because we never went to college.
-Oh, yeah.
150
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,232
Gracias, Hidalgo.
151
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:08,948
You know what, girls?
152
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,754
The only thing that would
make this trip any better...
153
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,030
...is if we could see
the looks on the faces...
154
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,073
...of Bud and those dust-heads
when they find out where we are.
155
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,868
Any minute now.
156
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,398
Hi, girls.
157
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,349
Say, we're on live TV.
Might wanna put those tops back on.
158
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:13,470
You might wanna
put those bottoms on too.
159
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,270
And you with the glasses...
160
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,948
...you might wanna get off the beach.
161
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:25,598
You probably recognize me.
l'm Dangerous Dan lnwood.
162
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,151
Rock-TV VJ Dan lnwood.
163
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,792
l was on General Hospital
two days last fall. Zipper mishap.
164
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,554
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
165
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,314
You were so funny.
166
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:41,988
Thanks.
167
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,158
l'm sure you heard that Rock TV
and Phi Alpha Delta Fraternity...
168
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,715
...are sponsoring the big
Miss Spring-Break Contest.
169
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,832
Well, we're just here from Chicago
to have a good time...
170
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,349
...and maybe wreck a home or two.
171
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,831
Well, you girls are from Chicago?
We need a contestant from Chicago.
172
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,036
-Oh, my gosh.
-Call it in the air.
173
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:00,474
-lt's a coin.
-You win.
174
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,432
Oh, my God.
175
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,239
Kelly, you're so lucky.
176
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,994
lt was right on the tip of my tongue.
177
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,031
Kelly? May l call you Kelly?
Good. l will.
178
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,032
Kelly, this is an exciting opportunity.
179
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,117
Yeah, well, l don't know about this.
180
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,669
See, l consider myself an actress.
181
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,598
l don't know if l could go parading...
182
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,872
...around a bunch of strangers
l haven't slept with yet.
183
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,757
First prize is a hundred thou
and a car, Kel.
184
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:31,989
l'm there.
185
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,630
The snow and ice storm
that knock ed out power...
186
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,832
... over much of Chicago yesterday
continues to paralyze the city.
187
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,190
Luckily, schools are closed
for spring break...
188
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,118
...and most employees
have the day off.
189
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,998
So just about everyone is at home...
190
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,351
... warm and toasty,
huddled around a roaring fire.
191
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,393
Throw another clog on the fire,
will you?
192
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,352
l thought we burned that phone.
193
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,910
No, don't you remember?
We tried. lt wouldn't burn.
194
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,112
Hello. Oh, hello, Peg.
195
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,794
Al, is it cold there?
196
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,237
lt's as cold as your feet
on my back, Peg.
197
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,597
-Where are you?
-Oh, l'm in New Orleans at Mardi gras.
198
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,114
lt's really warm here.
199
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,558
-ls your dad there, Peg?
-Well, how would l know?
200
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:52,396
There's 1 0,000 people here,
and they're all wearing masks.
201
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,552
So the only one who should be isn't.
Goodbye, Peg.
202
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,834
Why is everyone
in a warm climate but us?
203
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,550
Oh, come on, Al. Not everybody is.
204
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,518
Hey, guys.
205
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,873
Well, l'm off to spring break
in Fort Lauderdale.
206
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,395
Why do you get
to go to spring break?
207
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,756
Yeah, you're not a college student.
208
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,389
You're not a big-breasted blond.
209
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,835
God knows,
you're not married to one.
210
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,758
No, no.
But l do know one when l see one.
211
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,039
Which is why l'm needed in Fort
Lauderdale on official frat business.
212
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,272
l'll be judging a beauty contest.
213
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:44,913
What's Marcie say about that?
214
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,720
She said,
'' Have fun at computer camp.''
215
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,069
l told her l'd be job training. So if you
see her, you'll cover for me, right?
216
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,477
Not a chance.
217
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,794
Come on, Al. This is spring break.
218
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,759
You guys know what that's like, huh?
219
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:05,478
Well, actually, Jefferson, no.
No, we don't know.
220
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,439
Neither one of us has ever been.
221
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,997
This is really, truly sad.
222
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,153
Warm yourself by the fire, Jefferson.
223
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,196
Tell us what it's like.
224
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,078
Well...
225
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:27,029
...imagine yourselves
in a tropical paradise.
226
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,510
The palm trees swaying...
227
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:33,992
...the trade winds softly caressing
the hair of the gorgeous babes...
228
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:38,597
...bouncing up and down
in their micro-bikinis.
229
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,831
An ice-cold brewski in your hand.
230
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,719
And everywhere you look...
231
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,918
...there are nude sunbathers.
232
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,439
And that's before
you even leave the airport.
233
00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,273
l wish we could go.
234
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,715
Well, what's stopping you?
235
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,037
Nothing.
236
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,953
Oh, well, you will need some cash.
237
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,917
We got cash. We got cash
from that sale we made yesterday.
238
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,276
Good thing we didn't change clothes.
239
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,436
Hey, they're not coming.
240
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:47,035
Then l guess
l should take off my condom.
241
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:58,433
l believe it is the bad weather that is
preventing the girls from arriving.
242
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,079
Hey, wake up and smell
the Slim Jims, Achmed.
243
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,068
They're not coming.
244
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,675
They never intended to.
245
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,873
lt's a woman!
246
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,753
Guys. Guys. Hey, guys.
Please, back off.
247
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,560
lt's only Mrs. D'Arcy. Come on.
248
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,792
Boys.
249
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,759
Reminds me of my college days.
250
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,879
What are you doing here?
251
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:45,671
Well, your mother called from a float
somewhere on Bourbon Street...
252
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,878
...to ask me to make sure your VCR
was set to tape Oprah...
253
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,873
...because you were gonna be
in Fort Lauderdale.
254
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,953
But you're not. What happened?
255
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,958
We kind of got taken by some girls.
256
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,553
We're not really sure how.
257
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:03,157
We gave them our tickets,
and now they're not here.
258
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:11,114
And now, live from Fort Lauderdale,
the Spring-Break Dance Marathon.
259
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:15,558
All proceeds will be donated
to CBS to pay Bill Cosby's salary.
260
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,352
-That's our girls!
-They're having our fun.
261
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,830
We could be dancing
with those guys.
262
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,398
Don't feel too badly.
263
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:41,031
Girls like that are just
cheap one-night stands.
264
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,350
You all should be developing...
265
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:49,232
...full, trusting relationships,
like l have with my Jefferson.
266
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,351
Who even now is away at
computer camp trying to better himself.
267
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,388
Mrs. D'Arcy....
268
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,596
Road trip!
269
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,436
Destination: Fort Lauderdale.
270
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,278
Goal: Swift and terrible revenge.
271
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:27,479
But it is a blizzard outside,
and all the roads are closed.
272
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,596
l drive a Benz, and l'm pissed.
273
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,190
Come, my geeks.
274
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,873
Revenge will be ours!1
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:04,958
Previously on Married With Children:
2
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,829
Bud and his frat brothers
had tick ets to spring break.
3
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,709
Kelly and her girlfriends trick ed them
out of their tick ets to Fort Lauderdale.
4
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,197
Kelly's running for Miss Spring Break.
Jefferson is one of the judges.
5
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,870
Al and Griff didn't need
much convincing to join Jefferson.
6
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,675
Which inspired Marcie, Bud
and his cool friends to head south.
7
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,672
Road trip.
8
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,515
Destination, Fort Lauderdale.
9
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,190
So now thanks to
state-of-the-art graphics...
10
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,356
... courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Television.
11
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,319
Let's rejoin Married With Children.
12
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,958
Will you idiots shut up?
13
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,033
Sorry, Mrs. D 'Arcy, we're just trying
to tak e our minds off...
14
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,549
... what Kelly and the easy riders
did to us.
15
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,314
Well, it's a long drive
to Fort Lauderdale.
16
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,399
So I suggest
that you enjoy the beauty...
17
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,474
... of this great country of ours.
18
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,199
Thanks for the game of chicken.
19
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,839
See you guys at the hot tub.
20
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,270
-All right.
-All right.
21
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,075
Gentlemen,
is this not the greatest day...
22
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,191
...of our shoulders, necks
and backs?
23
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,673
This is the life.
24
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:09,675
A vacation paid for with money
from a fraternity-scholarship fund.
25
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,632
lt doesn't get any better than this.
26
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,469
lt just did.
27
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,957
Here you go, gents.
Compliments of the girls in the hot tub.
28
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:23,918
Hi there.
29
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:29,392
And here you go, miss.
30
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,400
Compliments
of some needy kid's education.
31
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,631
Now, see, that's my idea of marriage.
32
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,431
A gorgeous girl keeps me buzzed all
the time while the wife's out of town.
33
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,479
That settles it.
34
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,678
Al Bundy is moving
to Fort Lauderdale.
35
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,913
That's a nice fantasy, Al.
But what about your job?
36
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,072
Well, l'll just get
some other profession. l'll....
37
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,312
Here, l'll sell cans.
38
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,791
l'll make more money selling cans
than l ever made selling shoes.
39
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,593
You couldn't make less.
40
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:15,796
Hey, guys, l say we go up to our suite,
slap on a little more Hai Karate...
41
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,673
...and join the babes in the hot tub.
42
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,877
Hai Karate, the cologne
that chicks just can't resist.
43
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,396
What's that funky smell?
44
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,916
lt smells like geezer.
45
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,549
Hey, you guys,
l'm starting to get a little nervous...
46
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,159
...about this pageant tomorrow.
47
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,193
l mean, l've never been in one
that turned out to be real.
48
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,114
Kelly, the key
is to impress the judges.
49
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,352
Okay, first you walk prim and proper
down the runway...
50
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,154
...to show the judges
that you have class...
51
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,511
...and then you shake your
money maker to get their votes.
52
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,233
Okay, then what?
53
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,028
Talent.
54
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,310
l suggest how many licks
of a Tootsie Pop...
55
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,155
...does it take to make you
Miss Spring Break.
56
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,394
This also works if you're ever
pulled over for speeding.
57
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,793
Then they're gonna ask you
some politically correct question.
58
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,629
You just answer, '' l wanna save
the earth and the ozone layer.''
59
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:35,111
Okay. What's the ozone layer?
60
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,075
lt's between the N-zone
and the P-zone layer.
61
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,437
Yeah, we got to save that.
62
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,353
And the earth, too,
because once the earth goes...
63
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,716
...the planet's gonna be next.
64
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,199
There's guys coming.
65
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,071
Well, howdy, folks.
66
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,153
Parley Wayne, at your service.
67
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,756
Hi. My German-luxury sedan
is broken down...
68
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,952
...after running over
one of your state birds...
69
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,872
...the possum.
70
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,433
l'll be needing a tow truck.
71
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:29,030
Well, hell, l'd like a tow truck too.
72
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:33,354
l'd also like a new wife
and some more teeth.
73
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,637
Look, ZZ Top.
74
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,871
We have got to get to Florida.
75
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,832
You keep on calling me names
and you just might land there.
76
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,598
Look, Mr. Wayne--
77
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:53,555
No. Parley Wayne
is my first name.
78
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,108
Last name is Rockefeller.
79
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,792
l had to drop it though.
l couldn't spell it.
80
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,996
Look, there's got to be a way
out of here.
81
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,998
l mean, a car, bicycle...
82
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,636
...horse you're not dating
at the moment.
83
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,757
-You know, l do have a truck for rent?
-How much do you want?
84
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:21,512
A $1 000
and leave the fat boy here.
85
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,038
That is an outrage.
86
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,999
Yeah, we don't have $1 000.
87
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,833
The heck with him.
We'll just walk to the next mechanic.
88
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:45,072
-Now, where would that be?
-Memphis.
89
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,799
You know,
I sure am gonna miss Hummer.
90
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,878
Yeah, but on the bright side...
91
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,908
... the back seat will no longer smell
lik e Sweet Tarts.
92
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,790
You might remember me
from Desert Storm.
93
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,790
l'm former-presidential hopeful,
Colin Powell.
94
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,319
l was gonna throw my support
behind you.
95
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,120
Well, you still can.
96
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,557
Jefferson,
my life has never been better.
97
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,115
l already made 3 bucks
collecting cans.
98
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:33,717
The babes don't realize
that while l'm dancing, l'm working.
99
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,598
We are so cool.
100
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,560
-Excuse me, Kelly.
-lt's okay, Dad.
101
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,238
Pumpkin, what are you doing here?
102
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,392
l'm in the Miss Spring Break pageant.
What are you doing here?
103
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,553
l live here.
104
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,554
Hey, Kelly,
who are your dad's friends?
105
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,916
Well, we're Al's good buddies.
106
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,515
l'm Wesley Snipes.
107
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,876
And l'm...
108
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,116
...Woody Harrelson.
109
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,868
Oh, my God.
110
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,516
l loved you guys
in White Men Can't Jump.
111
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:24,078
Oh, my God, isn't that George Clooney
star of that hit TV show ER.
112
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,193
So, Daddy, are you gonna come see me
in the pageant tomorrow?
113
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,477
No, Kelly, l'm not.
No self-respecting can-man...
114
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:36,114
...would watch his only daughter
be gawked at...
115
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:40,114
...by a bunch of drunken riffraff
for cheap prizes.
116
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,319
lt means $1 00,000 to us, Daddy.
117
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,512
Here, take some cans.
Go buy yourself a bikini.
118
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,358
Man, you know, if l started this
right out of high school...
119
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,836
...imagine how many cans
l'd have by now.
120
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,548
What am l talking about?
l don't need cans.
121
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,634
Once you win this pageant,
l'm not gonna be Can-Man anymore.
122
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,269
l'm gonna be Hundred-Grand Man.
123
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:26,637
Well, Daddy, l feel good.
l feel strong. l think l can win.
124
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,235
Daddy, you got to do something.
125
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,073
Kelly...
126
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,875
...we met the cutest lifeguards.
127
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,632
And they want to share
a keg with us.
128
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,513
But only one because we're on duty.
129
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,114
Hey, how's it going, Can-Man?
130
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,715
Here. Just great.
131
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,428
Jefferson, l'm counting on you
to vote for Kelly.
132
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,280
Yeah, you got my vote, Al.
But there are five judges.
133
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,994
-She needs three votes to win.
-So who are the judges?
134
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,151
A couple
former pageant winners...
135
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,158
...and two of my fraternity brothers,
Wong and DeAngelo.
136
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,557
Well, that's no problem.
We slip them 50 each and Kelly's in.
137
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,673
Al, brothers Wong and DeAngelo
are beyond reproach.
138
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,474
Beyond reproach
and rounding second base.
139
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,234
Jefferson, you've got to name
me and Griff as judges.
140
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,511
l don't know.
The only way that can happen...
141
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,314
...is if two of the other judges
became incapacitated.
142
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,069
You might remember me from TV.
143
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,431
l used to play Theo
on The Cosby Show.
144
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,918
l love you.
145
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,879
l used to kiss the TV
whenever you came on.
146
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,556
Theo...
147
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,631
...l need to talk to you, alone,
right now.
148
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,150
Not now, Al,
l'm with my number-one fan.
149
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,358
This involves 1 00,000 bucks.
150
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,397
Bye-bye.
151
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,074
Excuse us, gentlemen. Would you come
here a second? Right this way, pal.
152
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,109
Thanks for coming back to get me,
guys.
153
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,636
Actually,
we just came back for gas...
154
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,434
...and you happen to be there
pulling a plough.
155
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,239
Wearing a bridal veil.
156
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,275
It was hot out.
157
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,072
Will someone turn on the radio?
158
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,990
Jim Dixson reporting from the Miss
Spring Break Pageant, Fort Lauderdale.
159
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,515
I'm with one of the judges.
What is your name, sir?
160
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,035
Jefferson D 'Arcy.
161
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,838
I'm single and free to mingle.
162
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,190
Welcome everyone to the 6th annual
Miss Spring Break Contest.
163
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:24,752
Sponsored by the new children's
breakfast cereal, Nothing But Sugar.
164
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,077
Now with Ritalin.
165
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:35,075
And l'm your MC, popular rock-TV VJ,
star of three busted pilots for Fox...
166
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,517
...Dangerous Dan lnwood.
167
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,119
Thank you.
168
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,308
Before we bring out the babes,
let's meet our judges.
169
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,154
Representing RTV are former
Miss Spring Break winners...
170
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,518
...Missy Cameron
and Tammy Grindstaff-Burke.
171
00:14:55,760 --> 00:15:00,356
What was first prize back then,
1 00 grand worth of chocolate coins?
172
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,157
Our next judge,
frat-boy extraordinaire:
173
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:12,315
Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy.
And ladies, he's single.
174
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,720
Thank you.
175
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,872
Our next judge comes to us
all the way from Taiwan...
176
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,713
...Mr. Miyagi Wong.
177
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,474
And our last judge,
from Fire lsland...
178
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:41,350
...an organizer of last year's,
Gay Prance on Washington...
179
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,670
...Carmine '' Cha-cha'' DeAngelo.
180
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,271
Now, let's meet our five contestants.
181
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,470
Miss New York, Claudia Harrison.
182
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,269
Miss Atlanta, Scarlett Turner.
183
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,116
Miss Detroit, Marla Strong.
184
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,149
Miss Beverly Hills, Angela Cohen.
185
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,550
Well, she's got my vote.
186
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,117
Sorry, Al,
it was a moment of weakness.
187
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,995
How much for a lap dance?
188
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,798
Hey.
189
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:43,152
And our final contestant,
Miss Chicago, Kelly Bundy.
190
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,119
Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly.
191
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,351
All right.
192
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,831
Let's begin
with the talent competition.
193
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:51,509
Ladies and gentlemen, may l direct
your attention to the centre stage...
194
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:57,232
...Miss Chicago
will now blow a bubble.
195
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,997
And now, Miss Beverly Hills...
196
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:22,392
...will eat a banana.
197
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,070
Maybe she's got a cute brother,
Cha-cha.
198
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,352
Okay, ladies, you've proven yourselves
to be incredibly beautiful...
199
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:45,834
...as well as very talented.
200
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,476
So now let's see
what you've got upstairs.
201
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:54,034
No, no, no, no, no, no. No. No.
No, l mean, let's move...
202
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,674
...to the question-and-answer part
of the competition.
203
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,838
We'll begin with you, Miss Detroit.
Now, your question is:
204
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,679
''What would you do
to end world hunger?''
205
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,956
l would tell the hungry people
of the world...
206
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,078
...to take smaller bites
and chew your food thoroughly.
207
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,471
That way, your food will last longer.
208
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,719
Now, Miss Chicago,
your question is:
209
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,839
''What world leader
do you most admire?''
210
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,434
l would like to save the earth
and the ozone layer. Thank you.
211
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,716
No. Thank you.
212
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,231
Well, now, let's keep things bouncing
with the swim suit competition.
213
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,352
We'll begin with Miss Beverly Hills.
214
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:47,875
Vote for me and l'll marry you.
215
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:55,278
Al, l'm voting for Angela, my new wife,
and don't try to stop me.
216
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,909
Now, look what happened to you.
217
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,549
You see what you made me
go and do?
218
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,552
l didn't want to do it.
219
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:09,915
And, now, this year's
Miss Spring Break is...
220
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,435
...Kelly Bundy.
221
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,559
No more cans for me.
222
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,031
From now on,
l just pick up champagne bottles.
223
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:26,876
And here to present you with your
prize, TV heartthrob Joey Lawrence.
224
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,272
You know, Joey, without make up...
225
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:45,109
...you kind of look like
my dorky brother, Bud.
226
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,749
l am Bud, you beach-blanket bimbo.
227
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,829
Yeah, you and the three slut-kateers
thought you could just rip us off...
228
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,071
...and leave us freezing in Chicago?
229
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,272
Well, yeah.
230
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,832
Well, think again. No one plays
Bud Bundy and gets away with it.
231
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,958
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Could you cry about this later, Bud?
232
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,077
l'm about to be crowned
Miss Spring Break.
233
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,714
So get off the stage
so l can get my prize.
234
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,917
Okay, sure. l'd be happy to,
but first...
235
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,391
...ladies and gentlemen, l want
to apologize for taking up your time.
236
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:28,558
l, Joey Lawrence, would just like
to congratulate you, Kelly Bundy...
237
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,793
...and judges Wong,
DeAngelo and D'Arcy...
238
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:38,717
...otherwise known as her father,
his shoe-selling sidekick...
239
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,520
...and our soon to be choked out
next-door neighbour.
240
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,432
ls that better, Kel?
241
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:56,793
Well, l guess my brother,
Martin Lawrence...
242
00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,872
...has thanked just about everybody.
243
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:04,073
So l guess it's time for me
to collect my prize...
244
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:08,114
...and sing my coronation song, right?
Okay.
245
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,713
There they are. Let's get them.
246
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,988
Mr. Bundy, you're being charged
with fraud and assault.
247
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:30,552
-Would you like a lawyer?
-Do you know any that take cans?1
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,709
The great thing about your mother
being out of town...
2
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,673
...aside from the fact
that she's not here...
3
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,920
...is the three of us
get a chance to bond.
4
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,231
Dad, as long as we're bonding...
5
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,153
...you know, l'm going to be graduating
from college soon...
6
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,915
-...and l got some pretty serious life--
-Bud, shut up.
7
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,153
Family Matters is on now.
8
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,955
lf you got anything to learn about life
you can learn it from Urkel...
9
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,880
...and his fat cop neighbour.
10
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,279
l hate this show.
11
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,198
How could you not love Urkel?
12
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:34,672
l mean, with his glasses
and those pants and the suspenders.
13
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,829
Speaking of annoying neighbour boys
in suspenders....
14
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,948
Everyone, l have great news
that you will all want to hear--
15
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:54,113
Marcie got a promotion at the bank that
will take her to Japan once a month.
16
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,836
Jefferson, you stole my thunder.
17
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,949
Oh, l'm sorry, dear.
lt won't happen again.
18
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,033
-Okay. l--
-She's gonna be vice president.
19
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,910
Vice president in charge
of all transactions...
20
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,475
...between her branch
and the home office in Japan.
21
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,075
-Are you finished?
-Almost.
22
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,912
With her salary increase, she'll never
have to worry about money again.
23
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,759
Well, you will if you don't shut up.
24
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,316
Guys, l'm just so happy
for both of you.
25
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,318
What say we celebrate
by you getting the hell out of here...
26
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,795
...and me watching my TV.
27
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,032
My treat.
28
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,078
Technically, l don't have the job yet.
29
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,515
So celebrating
would be a bit premature.
30
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,672
You see, the bank president
is flying all the way from Japan...
31
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,632
...to have dinner at my house tonight.
32
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:49,549
Now, once he approves of me,
the job is as good as mine.
33
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,758
Oh, l love this show. That Urkel...
34
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:54,834
...what an actor.
35
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,309
See, Bud, l'm not alone.
36
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,833
No, as long as there's a sailor
and an ice-cream cone...
37
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,792
...you'll never be alone.
38
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:12,271
So, Al, the reason that l'm here
is that l need your help...
39
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:17,150
...with just one little thing
to make tonight's dinner perfect.
40
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,994
l need you to leave
the neighbourhood.
41
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,678
You see, l don't want my boss
to be repulsed by you...
42
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,871
...and your children. No offence.
43
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,072
None taken.
44
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,118
So you'll do it?
45
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,232
l meant none taken...
46
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:35,793
...yet.
47
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,950
All right, Al. What's your price?
48
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,556
One night, all expenses paid...
49
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:48,076
...in a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.
50
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,834
Oh, Hobo's.
51
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,395
Where every bed
is shaped like a boxcar.
52
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:06,475
Or so l hear from my slutty friends
who go there all the time.
53
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,552
Not me.
54
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,552
We also want passes...
55
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:17,232
...to the Hobo's
Friday's all-you-can-eat clam buffet.
56
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:27,511
Well, Al, you drive a hard bargain
and a rusty Dodge.
57
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:32,637
But l think l can spring
for 5 more dollars. Live it up.
58
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,878
So, Mr. Shimokawa,
did you like the sushi?
59
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,392
lt was wonderful. Thank you.
60
00:05:55,000 --> 00:06:00,279
How original, serving sushi
to a Japanese man in America.
61
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:06,275
It's lik e Gilligan getting off the island
and being offered a coconut.
62
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,072
You know...
63
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,915
...l find the Japanese culture
to be fascinating.
64
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:20,915
l mean, the art, the literature.
l just loved The Joy Luck Club.
65
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,432
That was Chinese.
66
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,511
Well, the Kamasutra.
67
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:29,872
That is lndian.
68
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:37,595
In my country, this man would
be filling water glasses at Denny's.
69
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:42,992
So now that we've finished with dinner,
can l offer you some--?
70
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,549
Let me guess. Tea.
71
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,313
--tea?
72
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,359
Would you like something in it?
Milk? Sugar?
73
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,912
Whisk ey.
74
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,431
Now, who could that be?
75
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:05,111
Please let it be Domino's.
I'd kill for a pizza.
76
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,791
Look, honey, it's our favourite
neighbours: the Bundys.
77
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:17,068
Kelly, Bud, Peggy, Al.
78
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:24,631
Mr. Shimokawa, this is Al Bundy,
an Acura salesman.
79
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,557
Peggy, his wife, a homemaker.
80
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,270
Their son, Bud,
who's home from medical school...
81
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:37,473
...and their daughter, Kelly,
who's a violin prodigy.
82
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,077
This isn't too patronizing.
83
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,709
l just wanted to thank you again,
Marcie san...
84
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,157
...for the home loan you got for us.
85
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,632
She is truly the Japanese
businessman's best friend.
86
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:56,032
Well, thanks, Bundys, for stopping by.
87
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:11,077
Mrs. D'Arcy, l had a wonderful time,
but l must really be going.
88
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,515
To a liquor store.
89
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,830
Oh, no, no, no. No, you can't go yet.
90
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,634
The best is just ahead.
91
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:24,471
Oh, good.
They're going to hang themselves.
92
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,280
Karaoke.
93
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,909
Oh, no. I'm going to hang myself.
94
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,238
If only I could forget.
95
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,750
The job is mine. I can feel it.
96
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,558
What was that?
97
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,752
-Nothing.
-No, that was not nothing.
98
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:20,317
That was a 1 97 1 Dodge.
99
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:23,480
The one l need
to complete my collection.
100
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:27,030
Oh, you collect
classic American cars?
101
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,750
No, l collect classic American junk.
102
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,909
Yes, l have a Gremlin and a Pacer...
103
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:39,233
...an old yellow school bus
with no brakes or no seat belts.
104
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:43,029
l have everything except that one.
105
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,635
That is real junk.
106
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:54,237
Mrs. D'Arcy, the car's
very important to me. l must have it.
107
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,632
Well, don't you worry, Mr. Shimokawa,
l'll take care of everything...
108
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:03,351
...and l'll even leave my Jefferson here
to entertain you.
109
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,437
Clam me, Bud.
110
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,159
Hey.
111
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:32,708
Here are the rest of the Hobo's clams
from the trunk.
112
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,153
The corn's keeping warm
in the muffler.
113
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,350
What are you people doing here?
l bought you a room.
114
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,477
They kicked us out.
115
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,189
And l have a good mind to sue them
for false advertising.
116
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,955
That sign clearly said
''all the clams you could eat'' ...
117
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,317
...not ''all the clams you can eat
right now.''
118
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,398
So how are things going
with your boss?
119
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:03,714
Oh, great, great. Just great.
Until you three Mothra'd on home.
120
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:09,552
As it turns out Mr. Shimokawa collects
junk cars and he wants to buy yours.
121
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,758
l don't have any junk cars.
All l have is the Dodge.
122
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,114
-You don't mean--
-Oh, come on, Al.
123
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,268
He'll probably offer you
twice what it's worth.
124
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,592
l mean, you might even get $50.
125
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,636
Well, Marcie, me and that Dodge
have been together a long time.
126
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,475
Well, so have you and your hair,
but you got rid of that.
127
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,149
Way to bargain, Marce.
128
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,352
l love that car
more than anything that l have.
129
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,916
Dad, what about us?
130
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,596
You need a Q-Tip?
131
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,874
Marcie, like l said before,
l'm not selling that car.
132
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,912
Especially not to some Japanese
bigwig...
133
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,116
...who gets rich by flooding
our market...
134
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,510
...with fuel-efficient affordable cars...
135
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,275
...that don't fold up
like a tin can on a front-end collision.
136
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,748
Like that's important.
137
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,714
And all the while they're buying up
all our American classics.
138
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:23,319
Please, Al, my job is on the line.
139
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,914
Oh, well, that changes nothing.
140
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,112
l'm not selling that car to your boss.
141
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,039
That car was born a Bundy.
By God, it will die a Bundy.
142
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,112
More than life itself.
143
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,631
Mrs. D'Arcy.
So did you get my Dodge?
144
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:19,032
You know, his price was too high.
lsn't that just like the poor?
145
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,038
Always trying
to take advantage of the rich.
146
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,795
God, l hate them.
So l tell you what we're going to do.
147
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,389
Tomorrow, l'm gonna take you
down to a dealership...
148
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,556
...and we're going to get you
a better one.
149
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:35,357
Do you not realize
how rare those Dodges are today?
150
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,194
l mean, half of them were recalled.
151
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,351
The other half dissolved in the rain.
152
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,949
This may be the only one left.
153
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:49,273
Well, Mr. Shimokawa,
l just don't think he wants to sell.
154
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,431
Bottom line, Mrs. D'Arcy,
you will get me that Dodge...
155
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,513
...or l will get me
a new vice president for my bank.
156
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,989
So, Al, to thank you for being
so understanding about my boss...
157
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,630
...l thought it only right
to treat you to dinner and a show.
158
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:28,834
Mrs. D'Arcy, l thought, as a feminist,
you wouldn't like places like this.
159
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,593
Oh, no, no, no.
160
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,753
Feminism is about protecting
a woman's rights in the workplace.
161
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,151
Now, where that workplace
happens to be is none of my concern.
162
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,277
Lap dance?
163
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,076
Split, bitch.
164
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,310
So, Al, let's talk about your future.
165
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:55,076
Sure, you're making
tens of dollars now...
166
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,229
...but you can't work forever.
167
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,392
And somehow l seriously doubt...
168
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,791
...that your children
will be there to support you.
169
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,596
Move into my parents' basement
with me, babe.
170
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,831
We'll live on love.
171
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,840
Well, that and welfare.
172
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,194
So it occurs to me
that you could use a nest egg.
173
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:29,719
Say, somewhere
in the neighbourhood of $3000?
174
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,316
-Marcie, the car's not for sale.
-Oh, come on, Al.
175
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,028
You know that car's not worth $3000.
176
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:40,472
Why are you being such an ass--
Astoundingly stubborn human?
177
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,032
Marcie, see. lt's a-- lt's a man's thing.
178
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:51,628
Unlike you leg-shavers, we men--
We men like our things broken in.
179
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:57,750
You know, old things.
Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans.
180
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,834
A 30-year-old toothbrush
with chunkets of Reggie bar in them.
181
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,518
See, now, the Dodge is like that.
182
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,556
Dodge is just like that.
183
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,553
Over the years, l moulded that car...
184
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,469
...to fit every nook and cranny
of my body.
185
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,473
And l tell you the truth,
l don't have the life left over...
186
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,990
...to break in another car.
So my answer still must be:
187
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,597
What was l saying?
188
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,956
Never mind. You, Al Bundy, are a pig.
189
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,912
l repeat, a pig.
190
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,196
We're leaving. Jefferson?
191
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,679
-Jefferson, we're going home.
-Why? What's wrong?
192
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,832
Because l can't stand another minute
in this hideous, horrible--
193
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,594
Oh, Mr. Shimokawa.
194
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,555
What brings you to the Jiggly Room?
195
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,473
Quite honestly, the jiggly.
196
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,676
So, Mrs. D'Arcy,
did you secure my Dodge?
197
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,314
Well, yes-- Well, no.
198
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,437
Actually, l'm still negotiating.
199
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,593
You see, my husband
wasn't feeling very well, and--
200
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,473
How can l trust you
to negotiate banking deals...
201
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:33,953
...when you can't even buy a rusting
hunk from a rusting shoe salesman?
202
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:39,035
l can see everything
with my x-ray onion eyeglasses.
203
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,317
Please, Mr. Shimokawa,
give me another chance.
204
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,596
l will find his price.
205
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,913
Five thousand dollars.
206
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,798
No.
207
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,634
Seventy-five hundred.
208
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,677
No.
209
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,798
-Ten thousand?
-No.
210
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:29,477
Hello, Officer Dan.
What can l do for you?
211
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,473
We got a call
about an indecent sex act.
212
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:38,160
l assure you l have no indecent sex act
in my establishment.
213
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,510
Then get one.
214
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,516
We didn't ditch that drug stakeout
for nothing.
215
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,194
Al, l don't understand you.
216
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,273
You have turned down $1 0,000.
217
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,630
Now, that is more money
than you would make...
218
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,116
...if you live to be 1 0,000.
219
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,831
Marcie, it's not the money,
it's the sentiment.
220
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,676
All right,
what is the sentimental value?
221
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,559
-Twenty thousand.
-Twenty thousand?
222
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,519
-That is ridiculous--
-My car.
223
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,592
All right. l'll ask.
224
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,309
Don't you think $20,000
is a little much to ask...
225
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,552
...for a car that's made
mostly of string and paper?
226
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,550
Son, l've got Marcie
exactly where l want her.
227
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,948
Dad, at the risk
of sugarcoating this...
228
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,670
...l'll just say that when it comes
to finances, you're an idiot.
229
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,275
All right. All right.
You got your 20 grand.
230
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,592
Daddy.
231
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,476
-Do we have a deal?
-Yes...
232
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,233
...on one condition.
233
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,752
Well, Mr. Shimokawa,
you got yourself a car.
234
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,517
l told Mrs. D'Arcy every man
has his price.
235
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,911
We do.
Just like every woman has hers.
236
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,038
Well, good news, Mr. Shimokawa.
You got your car.
237
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,555
And the job is yours, Mrs. D'Arcy.
238
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,356
Because of my great
negotiating skills?
239
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,479
No, because you know
how to shake it, baby.
240
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:57,232
Well, in that case,
consider this my resignation.
241
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,272
lsn't this nice?
242
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,034
Quiet evening alone
with my loved ones.
243
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,555
Oh, Daddy, that's so sweet.
244
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,475
Oh, don't gush it up.
He's talking about his clams.
245
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,153
In other news, the president
of the largest bank in Japan...
246
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:37,520
... was arrested yesterday for starting
a riot in a Chicago nudie bar.
247
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,433
At least Mrs. D'Arcy didn't get demoted
to drive-up teller this time.
248
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,672
Yeah, but now she's the ATM beeper.
249
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,513
What's that?
250
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,479
You know when you punch
in your code and it goes...?
251
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,393
-Yeah?
-Yeah, that's her.
252
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,600
Daddy, l'm sorry
you didn't get your money for your car.
253
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,995
-l got my clams.
-Yeah.
254
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,235
Dig in.
255
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:12,158
In other news, a rare strain of botulism
was discovered and traced back...
256
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:17,275
... to the all-you-can-eat clam night
at the Chicago's Hobo's Motor Lodge.
257
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,080
Fortunately, most of the tainted
shellfish was stolen...
258
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:24,592
...by a family of homeless thieves
living in a Dodge.1
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:25,075
You miserable, girl-bladdered,
insomniac, roach of a dog.
2
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,512
Buck could hold it for days.
Why can't you?
3
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,912
I am Buck,
you shoe-peddling moron.
4
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,192
Dad.
5
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,319
l thought l heard something.
Was there an intruder?
6
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,710
No, Hef.
7
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,879
lt was probably Lucky,
scratching on the door to get out.
8
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:52,075
No, l heard that.
9
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,438
This sounded more like
breaking glass.
10
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,354
Oh. no, those were my tears...
11
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:02,149
...freezing in midair,
then shattering on the sidewalk.
12
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,078
-ls it really that cold out there?
-Let me show you.
13
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,511
Pervert.
14
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,353
You know, a girl can't even come
home from her prayer meeting...
15
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:26,349
...without someone trying to stick
their tongue down her throat.
16
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,911
Kids, this is the perfect time
for a family meeting.
17
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,879
-Oh, my--
-And the topic of our family meeting...
18
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,957
...is the little member of this family...
19
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,993
...who can't make it through the night
without wetting himself.
20
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,557
Dad, right in front of him?
21
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,311
l think he meant the dog, Kel.
22
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,753
Didn't you, Dad?
23
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,834
Don't you understand that,
since your mother left...
24
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,793
...l've been handling
all the maternal responsibilities.
25
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,150
Do you think it's easy lounging
on this couch...
26
00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,477
...growing out of my clothes
and begging myself for sex?
27
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,236
l simply don't have time
to walk the damn dog.
28
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,030
All right, Dad, l'm sorry.
29
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,955
We promise, starting tomorrow,
we will take care of Lucky.
30
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,991
Bud?
31
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,550
Miserable, flee-infested
geyser of a dog.
32
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,039
I didn't see you lift your leg
into a minus 20 wind chill.
33
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,438
Bud!
34
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,079
Or should l say Boy Wonder?
35
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,351
Dad, what are you doing up?
36
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,513
l was awakened by a nightmare that
your mother was kissing me all over.
37
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,513
Then l realized it was Lucky
because his breath was sweet...
38
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,076
...his feet were warm,
and just a little bit more furry.
39
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:06,911
Then l thought, '' lt's 3: 1 5 in the
morning, with hail the size of softballs.
40
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,628
Let's take Lucky out
for a little dump.''
41
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,754
God, do l have to spell it
out for you?
42
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,958
G-N-O spells '' no.''
43
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,072
l gave the two of you one more chance.
You failed miserably.
44
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,551
Tomorrow night, Lucky spends
his evening in the yard.
45
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,515
Dad, you can't put a dog outside
in the middle of winter.
46
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,512
-lt's inhumane.
-No, Bud.
47
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,076
lnhumane would be to force him to work
at a shoe store for minimum wage...
48
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:46,239
...and then have him come home
to a redheaded Shih Tzu.
49
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:49,949
Hey, Daddy...
50
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,630
...if you're gonna put Lucky outside,
you're gonna have to build a doghouse.
51
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,599
We can even build it together,
as a family project.
52
00:05:56,840 --> 00:06:01,072
You mean like that perfect family
on Party of Five?
53
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,389
Dad, their parents were killed
in a fiery car crash.
54
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,949
Exactly.
55
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,629
Bud, do you wanna hand me
that hammer, son?
56
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,432
Thank you.
57
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,237
Oh, no, pumpkin, that's all right.
58
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,870
Daddy already drank
too many ice-cold beers.
59
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,037
Hey, buddy.
60
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,596
What you--? What you doing?
61
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,037
l'm building a doghouse
with my loving family.
62
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,590
You know, they come ready-made.
63
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,199
You mean, l didn't have to
have sex with the wife?
64
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,793
The doghouses, Al.
65
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,591
But why spend the money
and miss the satisfaction...
66
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,593
...of creating a house
for your beloved pooch...
67
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,558
...working with your bare hands?
68
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,392
Right, kids?
69
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,039
Al, l don't see Bud and Kelly.
70
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:13,913
Do you?
71
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,193
Who needs them?
72
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,557
Everybody should work every day
outside, with their hands.
73
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,190
Whether you're sticking nails
under your neighbour's tires...
74
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,716
...or digging that grave
you can't wait to jump into...
75
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,511
...l'm just glad l have a friend like you,
who's willing to help out.
76
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:35,355
And that's important, Jefferson,
because we have to stick together.
77
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,909
l mean, we're a vanishing breed.
78
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,718
You wanna hand me--?
79
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,517
Kelly, what is Dad hammering
out there?
80
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,070
Apparently, himself.
81
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:58,269
Damn nail. Damn thumb.
Damn dog!
82
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:01,588
Bud, after months of trying...
83
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,395
...l think l finally found a way to show
Carlos how much l care about him.
84
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,756
A pinata full of condoms?
85
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,152
No, Little Engine That Couldn't.
86
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,436
l needed to know
what kind of women he liked.
87
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:19,310
So l wrote to his brother back
in the old country of San Di-- San--
88
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,232
What does this say?
89
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:27,834
-Diego.
-Yeah, where they speak spinach.
90
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,239
So he sent me these pictures of his old
girlfriends and they're all plain-looking.
91
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:37,508
l mean, they have no makeup,
no jewellery, no bras.
92
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,516
Let me see that.
93
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,233
So you know what l'm gonna do?
94
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:47,998
l am gonna go to Pierre's Salon
Au Natural, where, for only $500...
95
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,829
...l can look like l haven't
spent any money on myself at all.
96
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,989
You are your mother's daughter.
97
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,476
Well, duh.
98
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,556
Listen, Carlos is coming over
in a little bit.
99
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,509
lf he gets here before l get back,
keep him away from Dad.
100
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,991
Don't let him talk to him.
Don't even let him look at him, okay?
101
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,231
All right. But why?
102
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,277
Make way!
103
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:31,515
Howdy, neighbour. What you doing?
104
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,639
Well, let's see.
l got a saw, l got me some wood...
105
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:39,077
...l got me a
How to Build a Doghouse manual.
106
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,397
l'm Jet-Skiing.
107
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:47,237
Well, l am trying to go over
some records for bank deposits...
108
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:51,598
...though l suppose
that concept is lost on you.
109
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,432
Much as a strapless bra
would be on you.
110
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:05,036
Do you suppose that you could
keep the noise down just a hair?
111
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:07,992
Okay.
112
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,073
Thanks, Al. Just two hours of quiet,
that's all l need.
113
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,160
She didn't say what two hours.
114
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:28,155
And now we return
to Red Shoe Diaries.
115
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,314
Hi, you don't know me...
116
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:36,588
...but would you wine me, dine me
and have your way with me?
117
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,349
Well, I'd love to.
118
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,511
Yeah, right.
119
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,073
l can't count how many times
that's happened to me.
120
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,512
Hi.
121
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,959
You don't know me...
122
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:06,955
...but would you wine me, dine me
and have your way with me?
123
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:17,077
l'm dreaming. Better pinch myself.
124
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,032
What am l, an idiot?
125
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:26,233
-Let's go, baby.
-Hello, Bud. ls Kelly here?
126
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,271
No. l'm supposed to
tell you something.
127
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,273
Hi, you don't know me,
but would you wine me--?
128
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,118
Never mind. Never mind.
129
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,114
Just go ask my dad.
130
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,477
You must be Kelly's father.
131
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,515
You must be here
to take advantage of my daughter...
132
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,632
...live off me,
like my worthless wife and family.
133
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,150
Mr. Bundy,
money is of no concern to me.
134
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,958
l come from a very wealthy family.
135
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,993
Son.
136
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:10,513
-Please, please, call me Carlos.
-No, no, l prefer son.
137
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,910
Do you know anything
about building houses?
138
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,037
My family built our entire village.
139
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,397
We even built a tunnel
from my country to yours.
140
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,554
Then you should know how
to work one of these.
141
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,234
-Of course.
-Do you know how to make it go louder?
142
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,237
You mean like this?
143
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,193
Hey, Marcie,
how's that bank report coming along?
144
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,389
What's that?
l'm sorry. l can't hear you.
145
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,029
What did l ever do to you?
146
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,316
You were born.
147
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:58,599
And you live here and l don't know
what you did to my birdbath...
148
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,712
...but the little birdies
won't go there anymore.
149
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,677
You started this. You came over here
and you told me to be quiet.
150
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,438
What did you expect?
151
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,231
Don't complain to me.
Do what l did and complain to him.
152
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:18,156
This is lnspector Fitzpatrick of the
Department of Housing and Zoning.
153
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,628
How do you do, Mr. Bundy?
154
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,628
-Nice doghouse you've got there.
-Why, thank you.
155
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,074
Tear it down.
156
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,915
What do you mean,
this doghouse has to come down?
157
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,759
Me and my son Carlos just put it up.
158
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,879
You have no permit.
159
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,112
-lt's a doghouse.
-You say it's a doghouse.
160
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,432
What's to stop you
from renting it out to a family?
161
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,030
The fact that it's 2 feet by 2 feet.
162
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,430
Sorry, Bundy.
No permit, no doghouse.
163
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,558
No doghouse, no brain.
164
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,634
Perhaps-- Perhaps this can be
resolved without a bludgeoning.
165
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,917
Well, you could always try going
down to the Building Department...
166
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,510
...standing in line all day long with
people from Eighth World countries...
167
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,837
...carrying sausage in their clothing,
pay your 30 bucks.
168
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,038
Or you could pay me 50,
l could give you the permit right now.
169
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:18,748
-Carlos, l'm a little short.
-How much do you need, Mr. Bundy?
170
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,071
Seventy.
171
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,068
What are you doing now?
172
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,198
l'm a building inspector.
l'm inspecting your building.
173
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:37,875
What?
174
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,236
This house is too close
to the main dwelling.
175
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,471
You're going to have
to tear it down.
176
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:46,190
What do you mean, tear it down?
Why can't we just pick it and move it?
177
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,670
lt's illegal to move
an unsafe dwelling.
178
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,951
But it might be a little safer
with a 50 in your pocket, huh?
179
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,952
-Carlos?
-Seventy?
180
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,591
Better make it 80.
181
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,518
Ordinarily, l'd take your money...
182
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,109
...but Mrs. D'Arcy's already
paid me much more...
183
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,194
...and, well, call me old-fashioned,
but l'm a one-bribe kind of guy.
184
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,955
Besides, it will be fun watching you
build the doghouse all over again.
185
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,395
lt sure will.
186
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,389
Oh, yeah?
Well, don't hold your breath.
187
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:23,189
No, do it until you're blue, because
we're not rebuilding this doghouse.
188
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,396
Carlos, we're going bowling.
189
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,039
l don't know how to bowl.
190
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:32,789
Well, you got money, don't you?
Well, that's half the game, right there.
191
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:37,474
But, Mr. Bundy, doesn't your dog
need someplace to go?
192
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,319
l don't care where he--
193
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:48,635
Damn dog. Damn neighbour.
Damn day l was born.
194
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,632
Here. Easy.
195
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,393
Yeah, l'd like to throw this--
196
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:03,393
Carlos, what are you doing out here
with the yard man?
197
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,357
No, Kelly. This man is your father.
198
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,511
That hasn't been proven.
199
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:11,628
Come on, let's go inside.
200
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,593
But why? l'm having
a wonderful time here with your father.
201
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,193
Carlos? Don't you notice anything
different about me?
202
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:32,233
Oh, no. You're the same lovely Kelly
l worship as a chaste goddess.
203
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:37,356
Damn. l knew l should have gotten
the complete make-under.
204
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,153
l'm going back to the salon.
l need a couple hundred dollars.
205
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,552
Carlos?
206
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,797
Thank you, Daddy.
207
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,754
All right.
That ought to do it, inspector.
208
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,389
Well, let's see.
209
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,072
Looks to be the proper distance
from the house.
210
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:09,118
-But...
-But what?
211
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,032
...no foundation.
212
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,590
All right, come on back.
Come on back.
213
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,470
All right, boys,
pour me a foundation.
214
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,118
That's it?
215
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:34,510
My future son-in-law spent $7 00
for one stinking blob of concrete?
216
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,634
l'm sorry, but we've got
a one-truckload minimum.
217
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,791
Do you have someplace
to pour the rest?
218
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,156
How about the dog?
219
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:47,434
Very funny. Check your sock drawer.
220
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,639
Well, it's your cement.
221
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:54,589
When you figure where you want
the rest of it, just give me a call.
222
00:17:56,280 --> 00:18:01,308
Now, listen. Before we rebuild
this doghouse yet another time...
223
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,870
...any more surprises in
that magic little codebook of yours?
224
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,595
No, not a thing.
225
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,759
What? What's wrong now?
226
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,276
No plumbing.
227
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,752
Excuse me.
228
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,868
Now, why would a dog
need plumbing?
229
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,588
He doesn't wash himself
after he marks a tree.
230
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,354
lf he's dirty, he just drags himself
along the ground...
231
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,672
...like l'm going to do to you,
if you don't approve this doghouse.
232
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:54,598
Page 49, Mr. Bundy.
No plumbing, no doghouse.
233
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:08,833
Well, the pipes are up and running.
l even filled his waterbed.
234
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,116
Let me see this.
235
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,432
All right. Plumbing passes.
236
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:20,912
But where's your handicap access?
237
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,831
Okay, bring on
the three-legged dogs.
238
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:47,554
Okay, Bud.
After six hours at the salon...
239
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:51,190
...l think my natural look
is finally complete.
240
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,948
What do you think?
241
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:57,239
Well, you no longer look
like a North American slut.
242
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,078
Now you look
like a South American slut.
243
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,596
That's exactly the look
l was going for.
244
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,472
Excuse me, old homely,
housekeeper woman.
245
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:17,157
Have you seen the beautiful,
sweet and excitingly-trashy Kelly?
246
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,193
Carlos, you see, this is Kelly.
247
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:25,069
You just don't recognize her
with her clothes right-side out.
248
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:30,435
So, Carlos,
what do you think of my new look?
249
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:35,199
l spent $7 00 to achieve the look
of the women of your village.
250
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,911
l spent $7 000 to come to America to
get away from the women of my village.
251
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:45,109
Kelly, l have decided you are not
the Angora sweater-wearing...
252
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,118
...pointy-breasted woman who'll
frost my Duncan Hines cakes...
253
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,995
...while bearing my 2.6 children
as l watch wrestling on TV.
254
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,435
Carlos, you never wanted
those things before.
255
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,639
Oh, yes, but l never spent the day
with your father before.
256
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:05,150
He is a very wise man.
He reeks of wisdom...
257
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,751
...and something else
l cannot identify.
258
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,751
Heed his words, Kelly.
259
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,911
Now l must take my leave.
260
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:20,191
Wait, wait, Carlos, l am a slut.
l can be a big slut. Huge slut.
261
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,237
Hello, pumpkin.
262
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,678
-Daddy, you have ruined my life.
-Well, that makes us even.
263
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,996
Oh, come on, pumpkin, cheer up.
So you lost Carlos.
264
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,471
Hey, at least, we're going
to the basketball game together.
265
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,199
Me and you, Dad?
266
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,749
No, me and Carlos.
267
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,910
Gee, what a guy. You know,
it's funny how things work out.
268
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,869
l spent $1 2,000 of Carlos' money
on a doghouse...
269
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,117
...that Lucky refuses to set foot into.
270
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,591
Then why are you so happy?
271
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,628
Because 6000 bucks
of it's in my pocket.
272
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:05,319
Hey, l also figured out where to pour
that leftover truckload of wet cement.
273
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,271
-We're getting a swimming pool?
-Better.
274
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:13,593
Jefferson,
have you seen my car keys?
275
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:23,156
Hey, you in the truck,
get that spout away from my Mercedes.
276
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:28,670
-Okay, boys, let her rip.
-No!1
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:02,388
And now, Friends,
followed by The Making of Friends.
2
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,477
And then, on the 1 0.00 news...
3
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:09,874
... the cast of Cheers discusses
their fav ourite episodes of Friends.
4
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:14,913
Kelly, can we please watch
something else? This is a rerun.
5
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:19,472
No, it's not.
l've seen this one a million times.
6
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,675
Hey, Dad, you're off work early?
7
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,751
l'm always off at this time.
8
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,197
l just never came home before
because your mother was here.
9
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,437
-What are you watching?
-Friends.
10
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,796
Friends.
Don't have them, don't need them...
11
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,230
...sure as hell
don't wanna watch them.
12
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,431
How can anyone not love this show?
13
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,070
l mean, there's nothing on TV
quite like Friends.
14
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,279
Now, stay tuned for Buddies.
15
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,549
Next up, Homeys.
16
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,712
Geezers, starring Bill Cosby.
17
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:09,919
Welcome back to Friends.
18
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,835
Sponsored by the new Friends
Las Vegas Hotel and Casino.
19
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,196
l wanna go. Oh, l wanna go.
20
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,750
Well, that satellite dish
was money well spent...
21
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,629
...like the wedding ring
and the smoke detectors.
22
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,353
Yeah, l'm going down to my room.
23
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,676
l have absolutely no interest
in this show.
24
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,673
Yeah, well, you would
if it was called Rubber Friends.
25
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,756
Daddy, can you get that?
lt might be the door.
26
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,913
My kingdom for a drive-by.
27
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,839
-l've got something for a Peggy Bundy.
-So do l.
28
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,872
Oh, then l guess you don't want...
29
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,311
...these Big 'Uns centrefold
Popsicle moulds either?
30
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,192
Are you crazy?
l ordered those. Give me.
31
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,035
Yeah, you're gonna love them,
and here's a tip:
32
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,512
lf you only fill the trays to the neck,
they come out without heads.
33
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,028
-Hi there.
-Hi.
34
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,231
-What you watching?
-Friends.
35
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:22,833
Friends.
36
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,991
-Mind if l sit here anyway?
-No.
37
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:26,832
No, make yourself at home.
38
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,953
l'd get you a beer, but l don't
wanna be caught empty-handed...
39
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,310
...when the gardener
and chimney sweep drop by.
40
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:40,791
Well, my dad's gone.
You can sit a little bit closer.
41
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,798
''Tom.''
42
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,952
That's a great name.
Were you named after anybody?
43
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,237
-Yeah, yeah, my father.
-Oh, cool. What's his name?
44
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,276
l'm Kelly. l don't wear a nametag.
45
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,630
l wasn't looking for one.
46
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,076
-Well, then, what were you looking for?
-This.
47
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,269
What was that? A lip alarm?
48
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,391
Sort of. See, l'm being paged
by my girlfriend, Shannon.
49
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,750
lf l don't check in with her
every 1 5 minutes...
50
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,190
...she gets this crazy idea
l'm cheating on her.
51
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,633
Question Number 1 2:
52
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,432
How many times this week...
53
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:35,394
...has your man come home late
with a lame excuse?
54
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:40,794
Hi, sweetie. Sorry l'm late.
55
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:45,313
l got the clock in my truck
confused with the speedometer.
56
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,192
Seven.
57
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,792
Oh, hell.
She's taking the Cosmo quiz.
58
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,268
What is it this month, baby?
59
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,318
'' How to kiss your way
into his living will''?
60
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,358
No. lt's called,
'' How to tell if you and your man--''
61
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,513
That's you.
''--are in a dying relationship.''
62
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,116
-Well, are we?
-Well, l'll know in a minute.
63
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,039
-Hey, what's seven times four?
-Twenty-eight.
64
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,550
Oh, yeah, we're dead.
65
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,635
Come on. You can't trust Cosmo.
They hate men.
66
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,078
Well, you know, Tom,
it's not just the quiz.
67
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,072
l followed you this afternoon.
68
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,356
l thought you were doing
makeovers at Macy's.
69
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,957
Yeah, l was. But l told them
that l needed a personal stalking day.
70
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,400
Anyway, l saw you go
into a cute blond girl's house.
71
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:40,750
So? Come on. l'm a delivery guy.
l go into people's houses.
72
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,594
Sometimes they're girls.
Sometimes they're cute.
73
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,916
-Sometimes you sleep with them.
-Yeah.
74
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:53,437
But not today.
Today, l was faithful to you.
75
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,716
You just don't get it, do you?
76
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,951
Not since you subscribed
to Cosmo, no.
77
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,310
Oh, yeah? Well, it's a lot better
than those lovemaking tips...
78
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,636
...you get from Popular Mechanics.
79
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,428
-Hi.
-Hi.
80
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,677
Nice mood.
Did my brother cheat on you again?
81
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,912
Yes. Tom and l
are in the middle of the biggest fight...
82
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,475
...we've had since yesterday.
83
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,075
Then why are you bothering
to wax your legs?
84
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,397
Don't they teach you anything
at night school?
85
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,872
lf Tom and l make up, we'll end up
in bed, and he'll want smooth legs.
86
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,759
lf we break up, l'll end up in bed
with somebody else...
87
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,552
...and he'll want smooth legs.
88
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,236
So either way,
waxing is the key to my happiness.
89
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,910
Bastards!
90
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,152
Well, good evening, ladies.
91
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,756
You know, after a long, hard day,
there's nothing like a relaxing shower.
92
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,913
Jackson, why do you need a shower?
You don't work.
93
00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,313
l get just as dirty watching TV
as you do working.
94
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,155
Sure. Now that you've unscrambled
the porn channel.
95
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,038
At least l have a sex life.
96
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,431
Which reminds me,
you're out of liquid soap.
97
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,316
Look, Shannon,
l'm sorry about our fight.
98
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:29,031
And to make up for it,
l bought you a present.
99
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,193
lt better be good.
100
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,960
-What are those?
-Hey, it's 9:00 at night.
101
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,112
lt was either this
or a Polish sausage.
102
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:49,157
Look, Tom, l'm sure, in your eyes,
these were a very sweet gesture.
103
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,111
l need more than a gesture.
104
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,797
l knew l should've gone
with the sausage.
105
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,632
Look, Tom...
106
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,030
...Cosmo says
that l'm an under-dater.
107
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,635
No problem.
Tonight, you can be on top.
108
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:12,868
What l mean is,
is that a girl like me has big dreams.
109
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,510
l shouldn't be dating you.
l should be dating your boss.
110
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,550
You did date his boss.
111
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:22,675
You did?
112
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,110
Yeah. How do you think
you got your promotion?
113
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,954
l thought it was
because l dated his wife.
114
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,556
You know, l don't know
what keeps me here...
115
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,877
...when there's a city
full of middle-aged rich men...
116
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,436
...just one drink away from infidelity.
117
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,755
l know what keeps you here.
118
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,314
Forget it, Tom.
119
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,030
You know, the TV Guide horoscope
was right.
120
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,073
l have no business
living with a Libra.
121
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,992
We are so through.
122
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,078
You can't leave like this.
123
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,317
We haven't had sex today.
124
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,394
Speak for yourself!
125
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:22,876
Tom, l know you're feeling upset
about Shannon leaving...
126
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:27,790
...but you'll feel better
if you stop sulking and do something.
127
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,157
-You're right. l do feel better.
-What did you do?
128
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,550
Smashed her porcelain cat
collection.
129
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,676
Look, Tom, obviously
you're feeling hurt right now.
130
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,191
Hurt?
Come on, that's a girlie thing.
131
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,631
l'm feeling the guy version
of hurt: horny.
132
00:10:55,120 --> 00:11:00,035
You know, that's also the guy version
of happy, curious, and sleepy.
133
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:04,519
ln fact, is there ever a moment
when you guys aren't horny?
134
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,316
Prostate exams.
135
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,510
And the '' lt's a Small World'' ride.
136
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,435
No, just prostate exams. l forgot
about those little Polynesian girls.
137
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:24,039
You know what? You're no better
than your skirt-chasing father.
138
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,795
Hey, it was your mother who walked
into a married man's house...
139
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,797
...in that little maid's outfit.
140
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,759
She was the maid, you idiot.
141
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,039
Still, l am not like him.
142
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,875
l know the first name of almost
every woman l've ever slept with.
143
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:43,635
And with any luck,
l'm about to learn a new one.
144
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,629
Keiko, pick up.
145
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,600
All right. All right.
Give it to me. l got it.
146
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:11,079
Wow, Jefferson,
this is a real soul experience.
147
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,073
Not some fake yuppie hangout.
148
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,232
We are down with the people.
149
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,670
You're not wearing
that Rolex l gave you, are you?
150
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,111
Oh, no, no. l sold that long ago.
151
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:31,550
l mean, it's too precious
to ever wear.
152
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,750
Yo there, bro.
153
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,475
We're new to the 'hood.
154
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,639
What can you recommend?
155
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,715
The hamburgers.
156
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,998
Well, we were hoping
for something a little bit more...
157
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:00,835
...down home.
158
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,199
You know, like collard greens,
oxtails, moon pies.
159
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,829
l'm glad you've seen Martin...
160
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:15,272
...but here, we serve hamburgers.
161
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:16,948
Listen, homes.
162
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:25,312
lf you insist on dissing
your customers...
163
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,234
...in that manner...
164
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:31,194
...then we are just going to have to
ease on down that road.
165
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,634
Word.
166
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:48,993
Well, then, l guess
you want your order to go.
167
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:55,913
There.
168
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,276
Your mama.
169
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:10,599
George, hi.
l've never been a waitress before.
170
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:14,913
When customers leave money
on the table, who is it for?
171
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,032
lt's for me.
172
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,516
lt's their way of showing appreciation
for the guy who cooked the food.
173
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,118
l have so much to learn.
174
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:39,514
-George, meet Kelly.
-Oh, hey, Kelly.
175
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,153
Welcome to George's Diner.
176
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,112
Place where
everybody knows your name...
177
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,276
...but is rude to you just the same.
178
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,790
Just like my house.
179
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,234
So, Tom.
180
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,357
-Excuse me.
-Oh, sure.
181
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,033
Did you and Shannon break up...
182
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,589
...or is she just out of town?
183
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,671
No, she's in town.
184
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:03,118
No doubt crying into a pint
of Chunky Monkey over losing me.
185
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,435
Hi, Tom.
186
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,399
Hi, Shannon. What brings you here?
187
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,835
A Jaguar.
188
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,071
Owned by Henry.
189
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,712
l'm Henry.
190
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,754
My other car is a yacht.
191
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,389
So you gonna introduce me
to your little friend?
192
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,598
-Kelly, meet Shannon.
-Oh, hi.
193
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,196
She's the woman l used to go home to
after my dates.
194
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,909
Henry, meet Tom. He's the guy
who thought l stayed home...
195
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,270
...while he went out
with other women.
196
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,871
lt's good to see
that people can break up...
197
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,958
...and still remain such good friends.
198
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,914
-So where did you two meet?
-At Macy's.
199
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,878
l was there to buy a gift for my wife.
200
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,072
And l thought l'd pick up
a little something for me.
201
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,150
Excuse me, George,
Kelly and l would like a table for two.
202
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,153
Henry and l
would like a table for one.
203
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,197
And l'd like to pass
a health inspection.
204
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,556
So good luck to all of us.
205
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,713
Kelly, when l'm with you...
206
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,713
...l feel like you're the only woman
in the world.
207
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,552
She's holding his hand,
right in front of me.
208
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:51,430
So what? l thought l was
the only woman in the world.
209
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,954
l'm sorry, did you say something?
210
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,198
Excuse me.
211
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,556
People eat there.
212
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:11,751
Oh, Henry. l'm really turned on.
213
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,395
Let's make love.
214
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,399
Shall we do it in the Jag,
or do you wanna go to my condo?
215
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,753
No. Let's go someplace
really romantic.
216
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,275
The bathroom.
217
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,592
Come on.
Let's go to the bathroom too.
218
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,036
Okay, l'll try,
but l don't think l have to go.
219
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:48,352
Oh, Henry. Please blow on my neck.
220
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,876
Not you.
221
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:56,591
Oh, yes. Right there.
222
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:01,192
You know, in this light, you remind me
of my fourth wife's daughter.
223
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,589
Oh, Kelly, you're the best.
224
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,639
This is really fun.
225
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,879
But could you wait outside
because now l really have to go.
226
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,680
Hold on. l'm not done
impressing Shannon.
227
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:28,117
Well, let me know if there's anything
l can do to just hurry it along.
228
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:31,318
Oh, Henry.
229
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,074
Look. You can moan like Shannon.
230
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,880
Oh, Henry.
231
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,434
-''Oh, Henry''?
-''Oh, Henry''?
232
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:51,708
l mean, oh, Tom.
233
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:57,199
-Oh, Kelly, lower.
-Oh, Henry, higher.
234
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,516
Oh, Edwin. Take me to the bathroom.
235
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,428
That's it.
236
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,796
No. That's it.
237
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,350
-l'm there.
-No, l'm there.
238
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:21,388
You can't be there. l'm the only one
who can take you there.
239
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,798
You know, l'll tell you one thing.
240
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,595
l am not going on a second date
with Tom.
241
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,038
No, you shouldn't.
242
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:46,028
A woman like you deserves a man
who respects women.
243
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,432
Nice legs.
244
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,078
You wanna get in my Jag
and go shopping?
245
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,117
Sure.
246
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:55,833
Could you just wait one minute?
247
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,077
Because l really
have to use the bathroom.
248
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,472
Daddy...
249
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,598
...l want you to meet Henry.
250
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,476
Pumpkin, what did we say
about talking to Daddy?
251
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,792
l'm watching
my new favourite TV show.
252
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,632
Friends?
253
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,676
Dad, l thought you hated this show.
254
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,512
l do.
255
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,115
But if you mute the sound...
256
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,590
...and watch with binoculars...
257
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:42,514
...you can see that Jennifer Aniston
isn't wearing a bra.
258
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,112
This really is must-see TV.1
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,833
Thanks for inviting me over
to play strip study, Bud.
2
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:14,718
Well, just like it says on the box,
'' lt's a game with no losers.''
3
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,191
Okay, Ariel.
4
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,914
'' Ulysses S. Grant was a general
in which war?''
5
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,230
The war on drugs?
6
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,157
-Oh, close.
-Oh, man.
7
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,630
No, the correct answer
is the Civil War.
8
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,397
They named a war
after '' Civil'' Shepherd?
9
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,632
Oh, man.
10
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,918
Now, you know the rules.
11
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,993
For each wrong answer
you must remove one piece of clothing.
12
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:56,109
Gee, if l'd known the rules,
l would have worn underwear.
13
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,271
Okay. ''Who was the first president
of the United States?''
14
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,954
-George Washington.
-Wrong.
15
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,955
Gosh, Bud, l'm not that smart.
16
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,760
l can't figure out
why you'd want to study with me.
17
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,153
Well, you make every
subject come to life.
18
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,033
Bud, finals are a week away...
19
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,795
...and every time we try to study,
we end up having sex.
20
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,995
Trust me, Ariel. ln two minutes,
we'll be right back to studying.
21
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,909
Bud, wake up.
22
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,315
What is it?
23
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:57,991
George Washington was the first
president of the United States.
24
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,993
Oh, my God.
Do you know what time it is?
25
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,593
Six o'clock?
26
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,355
-No, it's 8:00.
-Damn.
27
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,830
No, we're not playing that game
anymore, Ariel. lt's morning.
28
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,514
What am l gonna do?
lf l don't pass these exams...
29
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,632
...l won't graduate.
Come on, we gotta get out of here.
30
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:27,077
Won't it be awkward when your family
sees me coming out of your room?
31
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,993
No, l have girls over here
all the time.
32
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,639
They won't even bat an eye.
Come on. Let's go.
33
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,229
That's my boy!
34
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:48,671
Congratulations, son.
Your first sleep-over date.
35
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,352
And with a girl too.
36
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,513
Unless it's one of those
Crying Game kind of things.
37
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,798
How did you guys
know Ariel was here?
38
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,076
Well, for once the cries of:
39
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,756
''Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud,''
wasn't just you throwing your voice.
40
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,557
Yeah, and then about 1 a.m.
you suddenly yelled out the window:
41
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,950
'' l just got busy.''
42
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,872
Now, being down with the lingo
you youngsters use today...
43
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:22,629
...l knew that you had just done
the function at the junction.
44
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,149
So you spent the night
with my brother, Bud.
45
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:33,035
Could you--? Could you bend
your head forward, please?
46
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,635
Nope, no air nozzle.
47
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,197
Will you leave her alone?
48
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,358
The girl just had
the best sex of her life.
49
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,916
l didn't say it was the best.
l said you did your best.
50
00:05:54,960 --> 00:06:00,080
So, Bud, shall l study your brains out
again tonight?
51
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,156
No, no, no.
l really have to study alone.
52
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:09,751
l have to get my diploma
so l can get the hell out of this house.
53
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,072
Bud, come here a second, son.
54
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:17,193
You're gonna do the right thing
by this girl now, aren't you?
55
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,512
-You mean marry her?
-No, l mean never call her again.
56
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,475
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for the advice, Dad.
57
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:31,358
Look, Ariel, l really need
to get my grades up, all right?
58
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,717
So until finals are over,
l'm swearing off sex.
59
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,278
That's a good idea.
l'm gonna get my grades up too.
60
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,399
So you'll swear off sex also?
61
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,950
No. l'm gonna sleep
with all my teachers.
62
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,392
Thanks.
63
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,716
E equals MC...
64
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,359
...cup.
65
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,189
l have to concentrate.
66
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,912
And....
67
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,269
She's still too sexy.
68
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,393
Bud?
69
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,636
What the hell is that?
70
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:38,237
-Dad, l'm trying to study.
-What, why presidents marry ugly?
71
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,998
But, son, actually,
l'm glad you're studying...
72
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,231
...because you'll be quiet
while l watch TV.
73
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:48,319
Today's the premiere of the new
Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N.
74
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,555
Or BUN.
75
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,955
Why do you have to watch it
down here on my small TV?
76
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,237
We're not watching the BUN
on your small TV.
77
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,557
You guys wanna give me a hand here
with Marcie's TV?
78
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,678
-Sure.
-Put it right there.
79
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,198
Dad, l'm not gonna be able to study...
80
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,595
...with you guys sitting there
watching bimbo TV.
81
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,839
They're not bimbos.
They're '' hooteracious'' Americans.
82
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,876
And secondly, son, you're not even
gonna notice that we're here.
83
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,679
Welcome to the premiere
of the Big 'Uns Network.
84
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,750
I'm former Senator Bob Packwood...
85
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,597
...and this is a real
dear-diary day for me.
86
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,471
Yeah, shake them. Shake them.
87
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,992
This is ridiculous. l'm gonna have
to find a place to study...
88
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,760
...where there's absolutely
nothing that can turn me on.
89
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,594
Why, Bud, what was that for?
90
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,311
Just for being you, Miss Hardaway.
91
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,596
You're so cute.
92
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,838
What can l do for you?
93
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,476
Be as creative as you like
with your answer.
94
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,032
l would just like...
95
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,033
...the reserved reading
for these classes, please.
96
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,355
By the way, do you have
a poster of yourself...
97
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,551
...l could hang up over my desk?
98
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,832
Well, l don't have
a poster of myself...
99
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,508
...but l was featured
in this magazine.
100
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,549
''Library 'Uns''?
101
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,550
l'm the centrefold.
102
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,868
Here are the books.
103
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,755
l've marked the parts you're supposed
to read and l've taken the liberty...
104
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,594
...of putting my home phone number
on the bookmark.
105
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,674
Oh, Bud, if you're looking
for a quiet place to study...
106
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:03,277
...try that reading room there.
lt's very private.
107
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,554
Thanks. l'll give it a try.
108
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,274
Oh, this is perfect.
109
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,152
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
110
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:21,319
Now l can finally forget about sex...
111
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,988
...and concentrate on my studies.
112
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:28,637
Oh, l guess l'll start
with Shakespeare here.
113
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,629
''Her breasts, lik e iv ory globes
circled with blue...
114
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,877
...a pair of maiden worlds
unconquered. ''
115
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:41,879
God, what I wouldn't give
for a pair of globes right now.
116
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,354
Okay. l've gotta calm down.
117
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,430
Okay, what could be less stimulating
than Biology?
118
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:11,030
''The woman indicates
her readiness by--''
119
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,315
''When the female has reached
peak arousal.... ''
120
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,550
Oh, I'd lik e to peak at some arousal.
121
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,471
Okay, no sex. No sex.
122
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,995
No sex. No sex.
123
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,471
Okay, Anthropology
will definitely cool me down.
124
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:34,077
'' Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders.'' Okay.
125
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,551
The women use coconut shells
as clothing.
126
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,358
Hey, those aren't coconut shells.
127
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,960
But those are coconuts.
128
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,117
A man can only take so much.
129
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,797
l wonder what's up with Bud.
130
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:24,795
This is Senator Packwood
live from the Big 'Uns Olympics.
131
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,270
The officials are on the field
measuring.
132
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,317
It's a new world record.
133
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:34,394
Seventy-two and one half inches.
She's won the gold.
134
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:38,599
Yes. Yes, l knew
she had what it takes.
135
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:40,994
What event is it, long jump?
136
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,800
No, they're just measuring her chest.
137
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,473
Dad, l need to talk to you.
138
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,036
The university
just put me on probation.
139
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,475
Way to go, son.
140
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,674
What did you do,
paint the school mascot?
141
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,876
Go on a panty raid?
142
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:04,078
l was caught
having sex in the school library.
143
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,230
All right-o. That's my boy.
144
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,990
Who's the lucky girl?
145
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,071
You're shaking her.
146
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,679
Dad, l'm gonna be tried
by the university deans.
147
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,879
l might not be able to graduate.
Would you give me a hand?
148
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,836
Obviously, you have too many
as it is.
149
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,590
Dad, if l don't graduate,
l might just live here forever.
150
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,278
Son...
151
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:52,753
...you need the best defence
no money can buy.
152
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,675
We will now try the case
of Trumaine College v. Bud Bundy.
153
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,150
We have convened here
at the scene of the crime.
154
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:12,874
You're not going to re-create it,
are you?
155
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,713
No, that was not my intention,
Dean Markwand.
156
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:20,276
But l cannot speak for Mr. Bundy.
157
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,394
Perhaps he should be handcuffed
during these proceedings?
158
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,915
That will not be necessary.
159
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,874
l am confident that my client
can control himself.
160
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,714
Then obviously you haven't seen
the videotape.
161
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:40,710
l think l can defend Mr. Bundy
without viewing the tape.
162
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:46,114
ln fact, that was the one condition
on which l agreed to take the case.
163
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,232
Bud Bundy, how do you plead?
164
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,870
Absolutely 1 00 percent not guilty.
165
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,272
Yeah, it was really nice of Bud...
166
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,109
...to let us watch the Big 'Uns
Extreme Games in his room.
167
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,877
By the way, where is your son?
168
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,315
l have no son.
169
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,508
Haven't you heard?
170
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,035
Bud was caught
in the Trumaine library...
171
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,511
...doing what will soon be
referred to as...
172
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,831
...''The Bundy.''
173
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,949
Try to raise a kid
with values and decency--
174
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,634
Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall.
175
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,474
You don't need a parachute
when you've got 'Uns.
176
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,515
lt's enough to make you
wanna do ''The Bundy.''
177
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,149
Oh, l give Bud credit.
The library's a pretty creative place.
178
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,868
Most creative place l ever did it
was on an airplane.
179
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,758
You did it in a bathroom on a plane?
180
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,232
Who said anything
about a bathroom?
181
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,597
And so in light
of the videotape evidence...
182
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,549
...and the eyewitness account
of the now-traumatized student...
183
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,873
...who had the misfortune of opening
the door at exactly the wrong moment...
184
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:06,837
...we must conclude that Bud Bundy
is absolutely 1 00 percent guilty.
185
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,791
Does the defence possibly have
anything to say...
186
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,959
...other than the obvious
'' l'm so, so sorry''?
187
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,077
We do not dispute the evidence
of this case.
188
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:22,675
Then you admit
the defendant committed this crime.
189
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:27,675
He committed the act.
There was no crime.
190
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:32,277
Allow me to quote
from your official student handbook.
191
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,799
''Abstinence saves lives.''
192
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:43,353
And what guarantees abstinence
better than self-love?
193
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,309
Constant, never-ending self-love.
194
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,239
l ask you to look
at this young man.
195
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,631
Would you rather
he do what he did...
196
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,632
...or be out there breeding?
197
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,632
And l did the Bundy
at the lce Capades.
198
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:09,669
During my driving test.
199
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,515
Watching Shaft.
200
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,195
On my honeymoon.
201
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,029
-On your honeymoon?
-That doesn't count.
202
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,078
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
203
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:31,108
l think l may have been
a little it too harsh on my son.
204
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,192
The only thing he really did wrong was
going to the library in the first place.
205
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,154
The rest is totally understandable.
206
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,312
l mean, we men have our needs.
207
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:50,272
lt's women who tell us
these things are wrong.
208
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,157
And why? Because they wanna take
away the only good sex we have.
209
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,360
l know now what we must do.
210
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:06,995
And so in conclusion,
l say if touching yourself is a crime...
211
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,949
...then who among us
does not deserve the chair?
212
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,958
All right.
213
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:25,275
We concede that what Bud did
was not in itself a crime.
214
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,876
But how do you explain
doing it in the library?
215
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,792
Well, l'm glad you asked that.
216
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:35,318
Bud, how the hell do you explain it?
217
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,918
Easily.
218
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,151
l was set up.
219
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,834
l direct the attention of the court
to Miss Hardaway...
220
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,157
...who has had a crush on me
for years.
221
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,953
ln fact, at this very moment...
222
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,351
...she's thinking about
what l must look like under my clothes.
223
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,838
That is a tight little lie.
224
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,709
l-- l mean a little white lie.
225
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,516
Can you deny
that on the night in question...
226
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,790
...you gave me
your home phone number?
227
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,673
This number?
228
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,235
Did you not tell me
which study room to sit in...
229
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,438
...knowing full well it had
a surveillance camera?
230
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,830
And did you not give me
erotic textbooks...
231
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,110
...with all the good parts marked?
232
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:35,670
You gave him Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders?
233
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,192
-l did.
-My God.
234
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,193
The boy is only human.
235
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:52,072
So you see l was entrapped...
236
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:58,992
...by a middle-aged librarian who saw
a hot little tushie and wanted more.
237
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:01,678
That is not true.
238
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:07,358
l dare you to take a look at this
and still deny your feelings.
239
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,238
All right, l confess.
240
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,192
l am in love with Bud Bundy.
241
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,957
Whenever he comes in the library...
242
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:22,557
...l turn the heat up so he'll have to
strip down to his tank top.
243
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:28,391
When he returns a book late,
l always hope he'll say:
244
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,871
'' l've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway.
245
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,994
Spank me hard.''
246
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,510
The court will excuse me if l heave?
247
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,790
l've read every book
on loving in this library.
248
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:53,079
l could do things to him
he's never even dreamed of.
249
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,313
Really?
250
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,280
l think we have a unanimous verdict.
251
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:09,991
We will dismiss this case,
allow Mr. Bundy to graduate...
252
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,754
...and seal the records...
253
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:18,313
...so as to maintain the good name
of the Michael Milken Library.
254
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,758
Oh, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy.
255
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,228
Oh, you were great.
256
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,916
And best of all, nobody's ever gonna
know about this ugly little incident.
257
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,593
Free the Bundy one!
258
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,230
Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one
259
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,790
Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one
260
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,237
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
261
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,795
...broadcasting live
at Trumaine College...
262
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,309
...where the group called NO MA'AM
is picketing...
263
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,433
...in support of Bud Bundy's
inalienable right as an American...
264
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,672
...to touch himself in the library...
265
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,833
...or anywhere else for that matter.
266
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:06,755
Four, three, two, one
Bud's alone but he has fun
267
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,992
Two, four, six, eight
It's his only steady date
268
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,073
One, two, three, four
He shouldn't have to lock the door
269
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,151
Free the Bundy one!1
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,156
All right, l've had it.
2
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,113
l'm sick of coming home,
seeing you holding down the couch...
3
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,993
...watching Oprah
and stuffing your face full of bonbons.
4
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:28,360
Now, you either get your lazy ass in the
kitchen and cook me a meal or get out.
5
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,275
Come on, Al, Marcie won't let me back
in the house until l have a job.
6
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:40,559
lf you kick me out too,
where will l go?
7
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,191
Don't know, don't care.
8
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:47,714
Sure, you working people don't know
how tough it is to find a job these days.
9
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,354
Kelly, l got you another job.
10
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,516
Damn, l'm a good agent.
11
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,196
lf l was a hot young chick,
l couldn't keep my hands off myself.
12
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,436
Well, l guess that makes you
a hot young chick.
13
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,440
Just for that, l'm not gonna tell you
who got the part...
14
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,471
...in the next Romantic Roast
commercial.
15
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,629
Oh, please, Bud, please tell me.
16
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,434
Well, she's blond.
She's standing right next to me...
17
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,598
...and she doesn't have a brain
in her head.
18
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,753
Could you be
a little bit more specific?
19
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,234
-You, you dullard.
-What?
20
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,119
-l got the job? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-You got the job.
21
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,117
All l did was read lines
at the audition.
22
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,550
l mean, l didn't even have to
uncross my--
23
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,715
My fingers or anything.
24
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,469
Look, you start shooting tonight.
25
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,156
Congratulations, pumpkin.
But what exactly is Romantic Roast?
26
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,119
lt's this brown powder stuff
that when you add hot water...
27
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,117
...it becomes coffee.
28
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,318
l know. l know, l didn't believe it either,
but it's true.
29
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:08,075
That settles it. lf someone with
the lQ of a french fry can get a job...
30
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:09,952
...you can too.
31
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,113
Yeah.
32
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,351
Wait-- Hey.
33
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,239
Now, listen, Jefferson.
34
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,199
l also want you to drive these kids
anywhere they wanna go.
35
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,158
You want me to be a chauffeur?
36
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,588
That's humiliating.
37
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,879
No, Jefferson, sleeping
in Peg's couch dust is humiliating.
38
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,112
This is just a job
so Marcie will take you back.
39
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:35,150
Look, l appreciate that, Al,
but l can't take money from your kids.
40
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,749
Sure you can.
You're stronger than the boy.
41
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,592
Just shake him down
when the girl's not looking.
42
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:50,033
Okay, folks,
Romantic Roast commercial, take one.
43
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,916
Yep, Lance, the really cute
building super, is on his way up...
44
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,954
...so l've cleverly jammed
the disposal.
45
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,959
Yep, l put ABBA's greatest hits
on the stereo...
46
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:10,234
...and, well, of course,
l made two cups of Romantic Roast.
47
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,552
l'll let you know how it goes.
Okay, bye.
48
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,879
l'm here to fix the disposal.
49
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,633
Cut.
50
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,431
Very amusing Mike Tyson
impression.
51
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:37,360
This time, could you try it in a register
everyone can hear, not just dogs?
52
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,429
And of course,
l made two cups of Romantic Roast.
53
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,638
l'll let you know how it goes. Bye.
54
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,469
l'm here to fix the disposal.
55
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,119
Cut.
56
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,272
l'm curious.
57
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,830
Exactly what part on Baywatch
did you play?
58
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,917
Well, the voice of Lex,
the friendly dolphin.
59
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,036
All right, Lex, you're fired.
60
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,750
Okay. Let's just call it a day,
shall we?
61
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,558
Bite me.
62
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,876
Mr. Director...
63
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,797
...look, l think l know
who can play Lance.
64
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,556
Oh, l don't think you're right
for the part. You look like he sounds.
65
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,798
l heard that.
66
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,188
Not me.
l'm talking about my other client.
67
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,399
Yeah, and put 50 bucks
on Agile Angus to place.
68
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,073
Yeah.
69
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,198
Mr. D'Arcy, l think l can get you a job
in this commercial.
70
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,914
Why? What have l ever done to you?
71
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,553
lt's a job so Mrs. D'Arcy
will let you back in the house.
72
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,472
Hey, yeah. Maybe you're right.
73
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,508
l mean, you know,
it's not really work.
74
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,396
lt's acting.
75
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:13,073
And of course,
I made two cups of Romantic Roast.
76
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,836
Okay. I'll let you know
how it goes. Bye.
77
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,831
I'm here to fix the disposal.
78
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,118
You know, I can't figure out
what happened.
79
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,589
I see this all the time.
80
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,110
Can I thank you
with a cup of coffee?
81
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,279
Romantic Roast?
82
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,036
Romantic Roast.
83
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,871
Long after the coffee's gone...
84
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,759
... the romance lingers on and on.
85
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,356
Romantic Roast.
86
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,113
Congratulations, pumpkin.
87
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,476
As you know,
acting careers are fleeting.
88
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,593
So you should give me your money
so l can invest it wisely for you.
89
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,509
Oh, Daddy, you do love me.
90
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,318
l do now.
91
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,394
This commercial is the best thing
that happened to us.
92
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,710
Well, for once, Al, we agree.
93
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,953
With Jefferson employed,
our relationship has never been better.
94
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:34,232
There he is. lt's Lance,
Mr. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.
95
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:43,670
Excuse me. Excuse me. But you know,
l'm Mrs. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.
96
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,791
Only on TV.
97
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,271
l'm the real
Mrs. Romantic-Roast-Coffee-Guy.
98
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,518
Oh, you're his mother.
99
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,630
No, you twit. l'm his wife.
100
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,634
That's impossible. This map to
the star's homes says he lives alone.
101
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,871
Give me that.
102
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:11,513
What lowlife would sell you this?
103
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,760
Two hundred seventy-five, 300...
104
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,594
...350.
105
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,636
Al, you've got to do something...
106
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,718
...about this ruthless exploitation
of our families.
107
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,239
You're right, and l will.
108
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,909
There you go.
109
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,432
May l present
the autographed Lance pump.
110
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,110
Price: 79.95.
111
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,435
Price Gary thinks
we're selling it for: 9.95.
112
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,834
Let the purse-jacking begin.
113
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:02,559
Ma'am, groping Lance
will cost you 1 00 bucks.
114
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,148
Grope on.
115
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,437
Jefferson?
116
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,953
-There you are.
-How did you find me here?
117
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,468
Bud was also selling maps...
118
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,309
...to ''where the stars are making
whorish public appearances.''
119
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,991
Did you know that Michael Cane is
down at Orange Julius as we speak?
120
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,958
Why would you sell
your good name...
121
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,833
...to line the polyester pockets
of the lowest man on earth?
122
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,390
And you wonder
why stars leave their wives.
123
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,518
Look, Marcie,
this is all harmless fun.
124
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,194
This is just Jefferson's
1 5 minutes of fame.
125
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,115
Yeah, it will be over
before your hair grows out.
126
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,670
Mr. D'Arcy, great news.
127
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,992
The people from Romantic Roast called
and they want you and Kelly...
128
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,236
-...for two more commercials.
-Hey, no way!
129
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,638
Lance, why don't you finish
your Romantic Roast...
130
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,798
... while it's still hot and steamy.
131
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:14,148
Lila, that's not the only thing
that's hot and steamy.
132
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,552
Oh, Lance.
133
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,395
Oh, Lila.
134
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,749
Oh, shoot me.
135
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,192
Romantic Roast,
what Juan Valdez drinks...
136
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,994
... when the missus is out of town.
137
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,509
Al, don't you see where this is going?
Jefferson is getting famous...
138
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,915
...and more women
are throwing themselves at him.
139
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,317
He'll be gone. l'll be all alone.
lt will be just like when Steve left.
140
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,114
lt's a very scary thing.
Do you understand?
141
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:56,432
Yes, l do, Marcie, and to help you out,
l made a top 1 0 list of things...
142
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,552
...to make you more attractive
for your--
143
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,279
For your sex-symbol husband.
144
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:12,716
Number 1 0, wear traditional lslamic
garb, covering all but the eyes.
145
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:18,072
Number nine,
feather-removing electrolysis.
146
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,400
Number eight, ski mask.
147
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,594
Number seven,
sew up holes in ski mask.
148
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,309
Number six, hire attractive woman
to stand in front of you at all times.
149
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:34,836
Number five, beak job.
150
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:39,279
Number four,
put paper bag over ski mask.
151
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,352
Number three, shave head...
152
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,711
...tattoo Cindy Crawford's face
on back of head...
153
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,672
...learn to walk backwards.
154
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,879
Number two, poke out eyes
of every man on earth.
155
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:03,310
Number one, get president
to make every day Halloween.
156
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,116
Yeah, l don't understand you, Al.
157
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,072
Although perhaps that's the fault...
158
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:17,239
...of that cow-sized tongue
inside your peanut-sized head.
159
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,514
Hey, do l make fun of you?
160
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:29,069
Doesn't it bother you
that your daughter and my husband...
161
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,316
...are living a soap opera romance?
162
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,788
No, Marcie.
163
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,355
But the difference
between me and you, Marcie...
164
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:39,673
...outside the fact that my feet
aren't a Chinese delicacy...
165
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,552
...is that l know the difference
between fact and fiction.
166
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,836
Well, l'm glad you feel that way, Dad.
167
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,749
Because l was worried you might have
a problem with this next commercial.
168
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,959
-Why? What's in this commercial?
-Well, Mr. D'Arcy and Kelly have to--
169
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,589
-They have to kiss.
-What?
170
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,351
l'll kill him first.
171
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,479
Dad, it's only a commercial. One
that's gonna make us a lot of money.
172
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,995
Bud, there's some things
more important than money.
173
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,476
Kelly's lips are never gonna go
where Marcie's lips have been.
174
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,756
Yeah? Well, my Jefferson's lips
are never gonna go...
175
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,428
...where everyone else's lips
have already been.
176
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,912
That's right!
177
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,670
Hey, what are you hinting at?
178
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,998
l'll break it to you later.
Now let's deal with this situation.
179
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,317
Oh, well, what are we worried about?
Kelly will never go for this.
180
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,112
Hey, did you hear the good news?
181
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,916
We're gonna kiss on television.
182
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,679
Jefferson, honey,
can l have a word with you...
183
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:55,192
...in our own kitchen
by the recently sharpened knives?
184
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,950
-Goodbye, Lila.
-Bye, Lance.
185
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,390
Kelly, we have to have a talk.
186
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,030
As her agent, l strongly advise
my client not to listen to you.
187
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,312
Shut up or it's five across the eyes.
188
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,915
Kelly, l've given you
good fatherly advice in the past.
189
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,720
Daddy, you have never given me
fatherly advice.
190
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,599
Then here's some advice
from someone 1 00 pounds heavier...
191
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,509
...with an eight-inch reach advantage.
You are not kissing the neighbour.
192
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,469
Daddy, l am grown up. And you can't
tell me what to do anymore, so:
193
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,156
Kelly, l know you're grown up
even though you still live at home...
194
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,517
...and occasionally pick up the phone
thinking it's the doorbell...
195
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,348
...but, sweetheart, look.
196
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:42,633
Why do you think l carry
your baby picture in my wallet?
197
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,871
That's not me, Dad.
198
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,233
That's the picture
that came with the wallet.
199
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,234
Hey, when l bought this wallet, l had
a choice. A little boy or a little girl.
200
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:57,355
-l picked a little girl. She's symbolic.
-She's Chinese, Dad.
201
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,237
That's what l was hoping
you would be.
202
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,719
Daddy, l'm sorry l'm not Chinese.
l didn't mean it.
203
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,230
Oh, sweetheart, all right.
That's all right, now.
204
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,555
Daddy, what is really the problem?
205
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,395
Well, because
l wanna keep you pure.
206
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,588
Well, we better call Mr. Peabody
and the WABAC machine.
207
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,479
Daddy.
208
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,915
This commercial is just pretend.
209
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,436
And of course l'm gonna stay pure
until l meet the right man.
210
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,033
ln the meantime, why don't you
come to the set tomorrow...
211
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,037
...and you'll see how innocent it is.
212
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,033
And if you don't like what you see,
you know what you can do.
213
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,231
Beat everybody up?
214
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:54,993
You are my daddy.
215
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,193
Actors on the set for the reading.
216
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,676
So, what kind of kiss
do you think it will be?
217
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,711
There's only one kind.
218
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,757
Man faces woman, closes his eyes...
219
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,713
...imagines he's with someone else,
just like sex.
220
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,359
You truly are a Neanderthal.
221
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:19,832
l mean, there's all kinds of kisses.
Open mouth, closed mouth, tongues.
222
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,672
Tongues?
223
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,550
The tongue has no place in passion.
224
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,589
Hey, excuse me, Mr. Director.
225
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,593
l'd like to talk to you
about this kissing with tongues.
226
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,310
Wrong set. They're casting
Show Boys down the hall.
227
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:41,236
No, no. Kelly's my daughter. l wanna
make sure this kiss is quick and clean.
228
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,631
Oh, well, they're not going to kiss
anymore. We did some research...
229
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:49,072
...and the audience felt that kissing
after the third date was too '80s.
230
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,069
l'm glad this country
has finally come to its senses.
231
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,157
So, what are you gonna
have them do?
232
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,757
What's that bed for?
233
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,715
Oh, come on, Mr. Bundy.
You're a married man.
234
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,393
Yeah?
235
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:12,917
What's that bed for?
236
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,634
We, in the business, call it sex.
237
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,792
l don't care what you call it.
My daughter's not doing it.
238
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,790
Mr. Bundy,
they're not really having sex.
239
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,278
ln fact, the commercial takes place
after sex, when they're having coffee.
240
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,512
How can someone drink coffee
in their sleep?
241
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,035
l'll handle this, Magilla. Look...
242
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:51,438
...my husband is not having
postcoital coffee with anyone.
243
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,272
l don't care how much you pay him.
244
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,796
How does $50,000 sound?
245
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,710
Quiet on the set.
246
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,478
-Dad, did you hear that?
-l just still can't figure it out.
247
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,752
Sex, then coffee. lt's just wrong.
248
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,957
Okay, l know you just got
these new lines.
249
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,236
So we're gonna have
a cold reading on set...
250
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,668
...and see what we've got.
251
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,110
Good morning, darling.
252
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:26,319
Wow, Lance,
you sure fixed the squeak in my bed.
253
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,917
You're wonderful.
254
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,709
So the sex
was good for you too, huh?
255
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,190
No, it was awful...
256
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,155
...but the coffee
makes it all worthwhile.
257
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,512
Then you sip, and then you smile
and then we're done.
258
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,318
Great. How do those lines feel?
259
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,995
-Brilliant.
-Encore.
260
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,949
Problem over here. Look.
261
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:56,433
What exactly does she mean,
'' lt was awful''?
262
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,030
-She means you're bad in bed.
-l am not.
263
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,350
Okay, Lance is bad in bed.
264
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,473
You don't seem to understand.
265
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,319
To millions of women out there,
l am Lance.
266
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,915
Okay? l can't have them thinking
that l'm bad in bed.
267
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,839
Now, how about if l'm good,
and she's bad?
268
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,196
That's the way it is in real life.
269
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,148
You're gonna have to
rewrite this script, pal.
270
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,472
We can't do that. See, this commercial
is geared towards women...
271
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,956
...and we all know
they can never be satisfied.
272
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,356
-That's true.
-That's true.
273
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,313
Which works for us. Because if men
really were good in bed...
274
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,318
...women wouldn't need
flavoured coffee.
275
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,758
Look, pal, l'm a real man...
276
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,039
...and l can't pretend
to be anything less.
277
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,950
Marcie, could l have a ride home?
278
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,833
Take the bus
with the other real men.
279
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:07,878
Wait, Mr. D'Arcy. This happens
to older married men all the time.
280
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,030
l've-- l've heard.
281
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,070
Well, that's a wrap.
282
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,353
Actors.
283
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,478
Maybe we should rethink
this whole campaign.
284
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,153
l've got it.
285
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:27,996
Frogs. Coffee-drinking frogs.
286
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,872
Mr. Director, listen.
287
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,190
Before you go with frogs,
hear me out.
288
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:34,999
Action.
289
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:40,598
Wow, Vance, you fixed the squeak
in my bed. You're wonderful.
290
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,393
So the sex was--
What? What's the line?
291
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,153
Good for you.
292
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,710
So the sex was good for you?
293
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,677
No, it was awful.
294
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,838
But that's what makes the coffee
all worthwhile.
295
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,595
Cut. Cut.
296
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:09,638
So the sex was good
for you too, huh?
297
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:15,557
No, it was awful.
298
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,949
Cut. Cut.
Thank you. That's enough.
299
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,316
l'm going home. Someone get me
some frogs and some bourbon.
300
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:45,871
So the sex was good for you too?
301
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,595
No, it was awful.
302
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,315
But that's what makes the coffee
all worthwhile.
303
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,509
Hey, how was that?
304
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,952
Great.
305
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,236
Let's try it again, Al.
306
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,557
So the sex was good for you too?
307
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,711
No, it was awful.
308
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,356
But that's what makes the coffee
all worthwhile.
309
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,156
Well, that was good for me.
Was that good for you, Al?1
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,919
Okay, Griff.
2
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,430
ln 1 960, Cassius Clay
won the Olympic gold medal...
3
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,676
...by defeating what boxer?
4
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,235
Let's see.
5
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,713
lt's on the tip of her tongue--
l mean, my tongue.
6
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,109
Give me that.
7
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,239
He defeated this guy.
8
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,148
Come on, Griff.
9
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,954
The winner of the sports radio contest
gets two tickets...
10
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,832
...to the summer Olympics in Atlanta.
11
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,553
That's me and you, buddy.
12
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,155
l never knew you were a big fan
of the Olympics, Al.
13
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,915
l'm not, but l'm a huge fan
of leaving home.
14
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,750
You know all the answers,
why don't you call in?
15
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,309
Because l was banned
from the radio station...
16
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,636
...for making one innocent comment.
17
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,394
What did you say?
18
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,636
l simply said,
we can put a man on the moon...
19
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,150
...but we've yet to build
an attractive woman golfer.
20
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,313
And?
21
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:14,351
Okay. Who holds the world record
for the longest standing broad jump?
22
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,269
Me, if she doesn't move.
23
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,674
l was wondering, if l said
you had a beautiful body...
24
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,235
...would you hold it against me?
25
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,228
Are we near the airport, or is that
the sound of my heart taking off?
26
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,109
What's your sign?
27
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,029
Yeah, she wants me.
28
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,792
Okay, this baby
is our ticket to Atlanta.
29
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,598
What the hell is this?
30
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,798
l got this from the ClA surplus store.
31
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:56,393
This bad boy blocks all phone calls
to the radio station except mine.
32
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,912
l'm Calvin Farquhar.
33
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,875
And it's time for Sports Radio 600
Olympic trivia contest.
34
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,277
Answer three questions correctly,
you and a friend are off to Atlanta.
35
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,159
lt's showtime, Griff.
36
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,635
You do it, Al.
They can't hate you that much.
37
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,838
This contest is open to everyone
except Sports Radio employees...
38
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,554
...and Al Bundy.
39
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,912
You're mouthing with Calvin.
Who's this?
40
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,548
Griff.
41
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,518
Griff, my man, you have a last name?
42
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,038
X, Griff X.
43
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,438
Are you Muslim, as in Malcolm X?
44
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,959
No, l'm divorced,
as in screwed over by the ex.
45
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,714
She got everything, you know?
46
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:04,998
Keep your problems
to yourself, man.
47
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,878
This isn't Frasier.
48
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,878
Okay, first question.
49
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,396
Who was named the outstanding boxer
in the 1 988 Olympics...
50
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,200
... despite being cheated
out of a gold medal?
51
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,233
Roy Jones Jr.
52
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,037
Correct.
53
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,157
Now name the first American city
that hosted the Summer Olympics.
54
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:29,908
St. Louis.
55
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,798
St. Louis.
56
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,951
Correct again.
57
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:39,674
Griff, you can quit now and k eep the
El Pollo Loco 1 2-piece chick en dinner.
58
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,278
l mean, 1 1 -piece chicken dinner...
59
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,511
...or risk everything
and go for the gold.
60
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,115
Do side dishes come
with that chicken?
61
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,632
l mean, we'll go for the gold.
62
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:54,679
We?
63
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,797
You are alone, aren't you, Griff?
64
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,678
Al Bundy's not there, is he?
65
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,470
No. Absolutely not.
66
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,678
Then name the only man in Olympic
history to win a gold medal...
67
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,350
...in both Summer and Winter games,
and name the event.
68
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,315
Eddie Eagan, boxing...
69
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,829
...and--
70
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,191
Bobsledding.
71
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,632
Was that Al Bundy?
72
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,072
No. That was me, Griff.
73
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,518
When l get excited,
l sound Caucasian.
74
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,830
You know, like that guy
from Hanging With Mr. Cooper.
75
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,432
Well, congratulations, Griff.
You're going to Atlanta, man.
76
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,958
We'll catch men's boxing.
77
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,875
Then Shaq and the Dream Team take on
the always impressive Kuwaiti Five.
78
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,110
Sometimes it's fun to root
for underdeveloped countries, Al.
79
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:00,673
Speaking of underdeveloped.
80
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,953
Hello, Griff. Hello, whiff.
81
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,116
Listen, in preparation for your trip...
82
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,880
...l've put together
some brochures of sights to see...
83
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,275
...and things to do
while you're in Atlanta.
84
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,398
Martin Luther King Junior Memorial...
85
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:24,997
...Peachtree Plaza, and look,
the Jimmy Carter Peanut Museum.
86
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,314
Thank you, Marcie,
and we will put this to good use.
87
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,191
Wobble's gone.
88
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,678
And yet the weeble's still here.
89
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,989
Come on, Jefferson.
l'm going to Victoria's Secret.
90
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,435
What in the world for?
91
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,912
l mean, l'll meet you there.
92
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,752
Bye-bye.
93
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,116
All right, look, guys.
94
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,669
Here's how to see
the real sights in Atlanta.
95
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,589
Their official illustrated guide
to the nudie bars.
96
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,317
The South shall rise again.
97
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,434
And so shall we.
98
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,637
Well, Marcie's gonna be
wondering what happened to me.
99
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,871
ls Victoria's Secret
still down that way?
100
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,116
-Yes.
-Thanks.
101
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,276
Al, here comes
that sports-radio guy. Hide.
102
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,630
Not to worry. He knows my voice,
not my face.
103
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,032
Excuse me.
104
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:38,639
l'm Calvin Farquhar
and are either of you Griff X?
105
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,318
-l'm Mr. X.
-Nice to meet you.
106
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,956
You'll have to excuse my friend,
Al-- Fredo.
107
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,313
Alfredo. He doesn't talk much.
108
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,590
Lost his tongue in the war.
109
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,910
And a few other things too.
110
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,716
Well, Griff, if you'll just
sign for these tickets.
111
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:02,070
Sure. Have a seat.
112
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,357
Hey, Dad.
113
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:13,116
Can l go to Las Vegas
this weekend with....
114
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:20,394
What was your name?
Oh, it doesn't matter. Can l go?
115
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,111
Oh, well, thanks, Dad.
l won't get married or anything stupid.
116
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,398
You're gonna let Kelly go to Vegas?
117
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,834
You're not the Al Bund--
118
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,870
Griff, the added bonus...
119
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,510
...is that you get to carry
the Olympic torch through the mall.
120
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,552
Well, that's quite an honour.
121
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,711
But...
122
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:14,357
...l'd rather let my friend
Alberto here carry it.
123
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,630
You mean Alfredo, don't you?
124
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,077
Yeah, Alfredo Alberto.
125
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,871
He's an ltalian exchange salesman.
126
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,033
Well, you are the winner,
and it's your choice.
127
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,113
-Can we take a picture, please?
-Sure.
128
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,431
Thank you very much,
and congratulations.
129
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,073
Thank you.
130
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,199
Griff, thanks to you, l will realise
one of my life's dreams:
131
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,356
To carry the Olympic torch.
132
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,031
l thought your life's dream
was to feel up Barbara Eden.
133
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,670
Yeah, but l did that.
134
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:01,112
Stroking the big screen at Sears
doesn't count.
135
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,916
The point is, carrying that torch...
136
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:08,159
...for me, will be like
scoring my fifth touchdown.
137
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,833
Griff, there is a rumour
that's got me tingling all over.
138
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,589
l hear you're carrying
the Olympic torch.
139
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,752
Yes, l am.
140
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:34,435
Excuse me, oh, back-stabber X.
141
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,637
What do you mean
you're carrying the torch?
142
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,718
Al, look at her. What would you do?
143
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,394
Girls like that are a dime a dozen.
144
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,118
There's my dime. Bring me a dozen.
145
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,592
-What about friendship?
-What about my dime?
146
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,629
Al, look.
We're still going to Atlanta.
147
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,991
Besides, you're the only one who
gives a damn about that stupid torch.
148
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,277
Are you the guy
carrying the Olympic torch?
149
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:19,798
-For God and country.
-l thought you said that nobody had--
150
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,629
We'd like to take pictures,
give you endorsements...
151
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,070
-...and a free car.
-Sure.
152
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,919
But as long as l can share it all
with my best friend.
153
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,714
A person without whom
none of this would be possible.
154
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,997
Yo, momma, baby,
they wanna give us a car.
155
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,435
lf l kill Griff, get sentenced
to life in prison...
156
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,471
...l'll be out in a couple of weeks.
157
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,358
But l'll miss canola night
at the Jiggly Room.
158
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,836
But they gotta have
the equivalent in prison.
159
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,031
So l guess it will be worth it.
160
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,915
Dad, l see you're still a little upset
about this Griff thing.
161
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,078
Son, the TV is a thing.
162
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,880
Your mother is a thing.
163
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,319
But betrayal by your best friend
is high treason.
164
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,319
Come on, Daddy, cheer up.
Let's watch some TV.
165
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,988
-Maybe there's something good on.
-Watch a little tube.
166
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,792
All right.
167
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,074
Coming up on BET,
Griff asks O. J. the tough questions.
168
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,710
Oh, we love Griff
Griff loves us
169
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:25,273
That's not fair. That should be me
hugging that big purple idiot.
170
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,318
My whole life has been
leading up to that moment.
171
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,318
Dad, you said your life was leading up
to you leaving Mom.
172
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,158
Well, it was.
173
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,919
lt was, but l want to combine the two.
174
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,634
Once l had that torch in my hand,
l would have just...
175
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,315
...kept on running.
176
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:49,195
-Daddy, you wanna know what l think?
-Oh, this should be good.
177
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,193
Now, like a great
Eastern religion says...
178
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:58,594
...it's all about striking a balance
between the ping and the pong.
179
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,475
Go get my noose, boy.
180
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,235
-l'll get two.
-Now, Dad, listen.
181
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,075
Your misery, or the ping...
182
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,193
...is what makes other people happy,
or pong.
183
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,672
Pumpkin, Daddy's feeling
a little ping right now.
184
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,234
Well, good.
185
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,750
That means that somebody
somewhere must be really pong.
186
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,389
Maybe it's me.
187
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,630
She's been eating Wite-Out again,
hasn't she?
188
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,034
Dad, Griff's your friend.
189
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,838
Why can't you be happy for him?
190
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,917
When was the last time
you saw me happy...
191
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,951
...for anyone, about anything?
192
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,794
Dad, Griff is a shoe salesman,
all right?
193
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:47,556
He makes no money.
He drives a sardine can on wheels...
194
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,835
...and he paints his ankles
so we'll think he can afford socks.
195
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,794
The guy's got no life.
196
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,554
But, son, that's my life.
197
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,877
Then you can understand why
he deserves a little bit of happiness.
198
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,712
Pumpkin, maybe you're right.
199
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,071
Maybe l haven't been
such a good friend.
200
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,750
Or a father.
201
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,796
But maybe there's still something
l can do to make up for it.
202
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,600
Dad, wanna go outside
and throw the ball a little bit?
203
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,354
Not you.
204
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:23,477
Griff, he's like family to me-- Better,
because he doesn't even live here.
205
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,472
Tomorrow, l'm going
to the shoe store.
206
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,240
l'll tell him he's my best friend
and l'm happy for him.
207
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,590
Oh, Daddy, you're so good.
208
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,833
l'm sure in your next life
you're going to be reincarcerated.
209
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,636
Excuse me. l'm Roy Jones Jr.
210
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:58,475
Undefeated, two-time world champion,
former Olympian Roy Jones Jr?
211
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,597
l prefer to think of myself...
212
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:05,476
...as '' pound for pound the best boxer
in the world'' Roy Jones Jr.
213
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:12,836
Well, l prefer to think of myself as
'' high school football star'' Al Bundy.
214
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,395
But unlike you, l got married.
Now my life...
215
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,830
...is all screwed up.
216
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,396
Well, enough about you.
ls Griff here?
217
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,029
No, Griff's stretching,
getting ready for his big run.
218
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,789
l'm his best friend, you know.
And l'm very happy for him.
219
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,272
Well, you should be.
l mean, after all, he is America's hero.
220
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,715
Give me that. America's hero?
l'm the one who--
221
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,109
l'm the one who's his best friend...
222
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,436
...and l'm very, very happy for him.
223
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,274
Get your official
''Go Griff'' T-shirts here.
224
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,913
Here you go. Hey. Thank you.
225
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,469
Here you go. There you go.
That's it, right.
226
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:58,231
Jefferson, l am so proud of you.
You finally got a job.
227
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,472
Marcie, this isn't a job.
No, l'm giving away these T-shirts...
228
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,636
...to promote global unity.
229
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,152
Oh, you're such a good man.
230
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,553
Excuse me.
231
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,950
Aren't you Bruce Jenner?
232
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,395
No, l am not.
233
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,471
Are you sure?
234
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,430
Don't make me knock you out.
235
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:38,231
-Oh, can l get a Griff shirt?
-Oh, sure, you can. Come on over here.
236
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,718
Alfredo, look who l got to help me
cover the Griff torch run.
237
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,076
Super Bowl MVP Larry Brown.
238
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,117
-Larry Brown.
-That's me.
239
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,598
lt's a miracle.
Alfredo, the tongueless man, speaks.
240
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,474
Aren't you Bruce Jenner?
241
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,438
Can l have your autograph, please?
242
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,790
Can l have your autograph, please?
243
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,839
l'm Al Bundy. Did you come
because you got my letter?
244
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,632
Yeah, right.
245
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,469
l'm not here to see you.
l'm here to see Griff.
246
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,278
But why? You're a Super Bowl hero.
247
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,115
Even though that bum O'Donnell
threw those two passes right to you.
248
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:31,276
Hey, l know that and you know that,
but Disneyland and the Raiders don't.
249
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,276
And you know, l'd give it all up
to be in Griff's shoes today.
250
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,114
Why? He's just a divorced
shoe salesman...
251
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,029
...who's carrying a flaming stick
through a mall full of fat women.
252
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:47,793
But l am his best friend
and l'm very happy for him.
253
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,628
You ought to be.
254
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:55,830
Hey, Larry, you wanna buy one
of these limited-edition, autographed...
255
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,793
-...''Go Griff'' T-shirts?
-Sure.
256
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:05,270
l don't have any cash on me right now,
but hey, how about a Super Bowl ring?
257
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,478
Sure.
258
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,478
Wow, l'll always treasure this.
259
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,598
Me too. l'll never let it go.
260
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,115
Anyone wanna buy
a Super Bowl ring?
261
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:36,511
-Excuse me, pal.
-Hey, you're Flint Guccione...
262
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,433
...publisher of Big 'Uns magazine.
263
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,998
Right you are.
264
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,391
Who would have thought an lnstamatic,
drunken family reunion...
265
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,478
...and 50 bucks could start an empire?
266
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,558
Don't tell me you came
to shake Griff's hand.
267
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,797
l did that yesterday when l presented
him with his lifetime key...
268
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,150
...to the Big 'Uns brothel.
269
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:01,592
And today we're gonna make Griff
Big 'Uns Man Of The Year.
270
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,553
Oh, Al, you're the man of the year.
271
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:27,517
No. You're the man of the century.
272
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,234
You're twice the man Griff is.
273
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,870
That's why l cloned myself.
274
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,952
Hey, everybody, it's Griff.
275
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,195
Hey, he's got the torch.
276
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,909
Those were my answers.
That should be my torch.
277
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,348
l will be the flaming one.
278
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,554
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
279
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,639
...live at the New Market Mall
where national hero, Griff X...
280
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,991
...has just run by
with the Olympic torch.
281
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,992
Wait a minute.
282
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,600
Someone is chasing Griff.
283
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:25,118
lt appears to be local hooligan
Al Bundy.
284
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,272
Oh, no. He has knocked the torch
from Griff's hand...
285
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,836
...and sent it hurtling
into the mall fountain.
286
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,034
For the first time in 3000 years...
287
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,437
... the Olympic flame
has been extinguished.
288
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:48,437
The torch must now be relit in Athens
and run around the world once more.
289
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:52,958
The Summer Olympics
have been postponed indefinitely.
290
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,388
Thanks again...
291
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:58,713
... to now international hooligan
Al Bundy.
292
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,671
l guess you can look
on the bright side, Dad.
293
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,189
From now on, when people think
of Olympic shame...
294
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:15,353
...they'll think of Al Bundy first
and then Tonya Harding.
295
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,594
Daddy, do you think it's safe
to go out for food now?
296
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,518
Oh, pumpkin,
l wouldn't worry about it.
297
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:28,635
You know, when it comes to scandals,
Americans have short memories.1
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,669
l now call this meeting
of NO MA'AM to order.
2
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,235
ln honour of brother Griff's
one-year anniversary...
3
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,396
...as a member of NO MA'AM...
4
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,717
...we must now think of a practical joke
to play on him.
5
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,599
l don't remember anybody
pulling a practical joke on me.
6
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,635
Remember on the expressway
when your brakes failed...
7
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,512
...and you almost died?
8
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,438
That was us.
9
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,396
All right, gentlemen, gentlemen.
10
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,397
Brother Dan, it was your job...
11
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,955
...to keep brother Griff
away from tonight's meeting.
12
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,078
l don't remember anybody keeping me
away from any meeting.
13
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,795
Remember when Dan accidentally
shot you in the back...
14
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,074
...and you were hospitalized
for seven weeks?
15
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,719
That was us.
16
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,796
Good one, guys.
17
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,553
So what did you do to Griff?
18
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:06,558
-Oh, l just had him arrested.
-What's the charge?
19
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,158
lndecent exposure, murder,
cannibalism.
20
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,078
Great work, brother Dan.
21
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,676
And that'll give us a lot of time
to think of a great joke to play on him.
22
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:23,391
Now, l think it's only fitting
that the joke come from me...
23
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,795
...since l am
the king of practical jokes.
24
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,632
No, l'm the king.
25
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,719
Wearing a quilted robe
and sitting on a throne all day...
26
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,876
...doesn't make you a king.
27
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:38,559
l say we have 1 0 pizzas sent
to brother Griff's apartment.
28
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,075
How does he do it?
29
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:46,551
l say that we hire a cross-dresser
to pick up Griff...
30
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,639
...and seduce him
while we get it on tape.
31
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,434
That doesn't compare to pizzas.
32
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,955
All those who are in favour
of my practical joke?
33
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,717
-All those in favour of mine?
-Yeah!
34
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,030
Well, Al, l guess it's obvious
where we go from here.
35
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,955
Yes, it is. You know what? Get the hell
out of my house! Meeting is adjourned.
36
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,353
-Sore loser.
-Anyway....
37
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,751
Oh, well. l guess l better
go spring Griff from jail.
38
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,190
Well, it's doughnut night
at the nudie bar.
39
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,029
Every hooter is either glazed
or jelly-filled.
40
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,916
Griff can wait.
41
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,830
l was robbed.
My pizza joke was better.
42
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:34,119
Yeah, yeah. You're right, Al.
You the man. Let's shake on it.
43
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,115
l gotcha!
44
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,632
You got me, buddy. You're right.
You're the king of practical jokes.
45
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,831
-Nuts?
-Oh, thanks.
46
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,437
Gotcha!
47
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,756
Okay. Okay, Al.
48
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,757
l challenge you to a duel.
49
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,514
May the best joker win.
50
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,951
Let's rock.
51
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,078
This news bulletin just in.
52
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:09,159
The Chicago Cannibal has been
arraigned for over 1 00 murders.
53
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,271
The cannibal, shown in this picture...
54
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,518
...says he's innocent,
claiming there is no evidence.
55
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:23,714
The D A responded by saying,
''evidence, schmevidence. ''
56
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,273
Hey, Bud. Guess who's been arrested
for eating people?
57
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,836
Who, Tommy Lasorda?
58
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,597
Listen, Kelly, can you please explain
to me the outgoing message...
59
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,995
...on our new answering machine?
60
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,636
Hi, you've reached Kelly.
Please leave a message at the tone.
61
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:45,628
If you're a girl calling for Bud,
hi, Mom!
62
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,400
That's not very funny
to me anymore--
63
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,030
You should see what l just did.
64
00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,994
l just had 1 0 pizzas sent
to Jefferson's house.
65
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,510
l am the king of practical jokes.
66
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,870
Oh, my God. lt's Webster!
67
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,911
-Webster! Webster!
-Oh, my God!
68
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,955
l don't think so.
69
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,596
Al Bundy, l was sent here
from Publishers Sweepstakes...
70
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,951
...and you've just won $1 0 million!
71
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,878
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
72
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,920
And your mother's not here
to share our joy.
73
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,192
-Could life be any better?
-No!
74
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:55,068
Oh, what's going on?
75
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,716
Urkel here just gave me
1 0 million bucks.
76
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,359
Congratulations. What are you
gonna do with all the money?
77
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,353
l'm gonna quit my job,
burn down this house...
78
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,120
...and live out my days
on Hooter lsland.
79
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,430
Well, on an occasion like this,
there's only one thing to say:
80
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,910
Gotcha!
81
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,191
All right, cannibal,
we know you ate those people.
82
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:30,549
Now confess!
83
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,473
l haven't eaten anyone!
84
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,760
l don't even like ribs.
85
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,318
Call my ex-wife.
86
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,551
We did.
She said she once caught you...
87
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,877
...pouring chocolate syrup
on her best friend.
88
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,990
That wasn't cannibalism,
that was adultery.
89
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,314
Look. Let me call my friend Al.
He'll prove l'm innocent.
90
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,190
And will you please stop erasing
the messages before l hear them...
91
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,312
...you human futon.
92
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,394
Bud, you didn't get any messages.
Believe me.
93
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,239
With my eagle ears,
l listen very carefully...
94
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,228
...to each and every message
before l erase them.
95
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:29,239
Al, it's Griff. You gotta help me.
I'm in--
96
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,594
Besides, Bud,
your girlfriends can't call you here.
97
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:40,510
You have to call them,
and it costs $3.95 a minute.
98
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,475
Kids, kids.
99
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,357
l just pulled the ultimate practical joke
on Jefferson.
100
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,512
What? You sent him 20 pizzas?
101
00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,033
No, that'd be stupid. He's full.
102
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,750
No, l put superglue
on his toilet seat.
103
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,477
Oh, what kind of moron
would fall for that old gag?
104
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,395
Mark my words, Al,
as soon as l can sit down...
105
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,513
...and think of something,
you will pay!
106
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:30,758
Damn it, Kelly, today l know
l had a message because....
107
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,073
Because l called myself.
108
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,553
Well, then you already have
a date for tonight.
109
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,796
Home, sweet hell.
110
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,669
Kids are fighting, dog's a-biting...
111
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,672
...and a good-looking babe
in the kitchen cooking me dinner.
112
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,557
A woman cooking me dinner? Kids?
113
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,956
Oh, she said
she's an old friend of Mom's.
114
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,720
What the hell did you let her in for?
115
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,232
Al, l'm June Morgan.
116
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,877
l ran into Peggy in Barcelona, and she
told me you were all alone in Chicago.
117
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:26,518
So l thought l would come by
and fix you a gourmet dinner.
118
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,399
Oh, Weenie Tots.
119
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,878
You know, Al, looking around...
120
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,833
...l can see several things
that could use a woman's touch.
121
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,349
lf you know what l mean?
122
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,714
With vittles as classy as these,
you can stick around...
123
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,070
...and touch anything you want.
124
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,910
Okay, l will.
125
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,753
Daddy!
126
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,030
You can't let that woman
spend the night here.
127
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,800
-What about Mom?
-What about her?
128
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,868
Body's not even cold yet.
129
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,032
You've obviously never slept
with your mother.
130
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,709
Oh, come on, kids. Don't you get it?
June's not a friend of your mom's.
131
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,832
She's all part
of Jefferson's practical joke.
132
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,271
You know, like Rerun
and that phony check.
133
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,393
So you'll call Mr. D'Arcy
and tell him you're on to his joke?
134
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,989
No. l'm gonna beat him
at his own game.
135
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,917
Oh, you're gonna pretend to like
Mrs. D'Arcy and take all her money?
136
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:35,950
No, l'm gonna let June seduce me.
But first, we're gonna eat like royalty.
137
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,118
-Yeah.
-Weenie Tots. Come on, come on!
138
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,000
l didn't eat nobody.
139
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,958
In national news, with the capture
of the notorious Chicago Cannibal--
140
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:17,151
-Daddy, guess who's in prison?
-Unless it's Pauly Shore, l do not care.
141
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,874
Bud, get up here.
142
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,869
All right, now, this is the plan.
143
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,197
When June comes down here,
she's going to try to seduce me.
144
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,829
You two will be outside videotaping.
145
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,390
What about--?
What about the walls, Dad?
146
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,115
Because we can't shoot
through the walls.
147
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,032
Bud, you will be videotaping.
148
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:50,314
Now, Jefferson thinks
that l will only go so far with June.
149
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,397
At which point,
he will declare victory...
150
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:56,070
...and tell everyone that l'm not man
enough to cheat on my wife. lnstead...
151
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,477
...l will go on the attack,
making June back up.
152
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,830
At which point,
l will declare victory...
153
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:06,113
...and proudly tell everyone that l am
man enough to cheat on my wife.
154
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,674
Now, let's go get set up.
155
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:13,199
Come on.
156
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,517
At least when l get married,
l get to change my name.
157
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,196
Yeah, this time you should try
to change it to one you can spell.
158
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,595
Al, it's me, Peggy.
159
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,711
Honey, I just ran into June Morgan...
160
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,309
...an old rival of mine
from Wank er County.
161
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,437
She's held a grudge
against me for years...
162
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,950
...just because I stole her fiance
on her wedding day.
163
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,709
I've seen 1 5 Murder, She Wrotes
that started lik e this.
164
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:46,589
And get this.
165
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:51,669
She swears she's gonna get even
by stealing you away from me.
166
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,151
Alsy?
167
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,598
Can you believe it?
l forgot to pack a dress.
168
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,200
Well, we all make mistakes.
169
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,997
l forgot to ice down this six-pack
of champagne tallboys.
170
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,596
For you, my sweet.
171
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,319
What's going on?
172
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,518
Well, Dad just poured
a can of champagne into his hand.
173
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,030
Oh, l've made men do that.
174
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:45,315
-Your arms, they're so strong.
-Well, l sell women's shoes.
175
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,195
Yeah, l can tell.
176
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,552
All right. l think we've had about
enough foreplay.
177
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,758
What's happening now?
178
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,555
She's got Dad's entire face
in her mouth.
179
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,312
Take me, Al.
Take me in the worst way!
180
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,597
That's the only way l know how.
181
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,075
-June.
-What?
182
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,191
June, we-- We can't do this.
183
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,992
Why not?
184
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,356
Yeah, why not?
185
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,471
I can't let Jefferson win.
186
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,558
But he's hired someone so good,
I have to think of something...
187
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:42,709
...so horrible, so vile, so disgusting
she'll run screaming from the house.
188
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,717
I know.
189
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,039
June, June.
190
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,071
Marry me.
191
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,629
You can't do it, can you?
192
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,719
No. You're already married to Peggy.
193
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,628
Was married.
194
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:09,277
Yeah, she got
a quickie Spanish divorce.
195
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,830
That's why she's in Spain.
196
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,638
So what is your answer?
197
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,715
Yes! Yes, l'll marry you!
198
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,832
Today's trial of the Chicago Cannibal
made history.
199
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,958
In only eight minutes...
200
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:34,312
...he was tried, convicted,
and sentenced to die tonight.
201
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,228
Well, this is great.
202
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,159
Everybody's here but my best man.
Where's Griff?
203
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,038
Griff? Griff?
204
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,276
Wasn't there something
l was supposed to do?
205
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,755
Hell with it.
lt's not a matter of life and death.
206
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,994
Hey, preacher man, you made it.
207
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,670
Are we lucky or what?
208
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:11,351
lsaac from The Love Boat
is also an ordained minister.
209
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:17,918
And look, Free Willy
is also the dork of honour.
210
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,636
Let's get this freak show
on the road.
211
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,153
-Hey, Jefferson.
-Hey, Al.
212
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,595
How come you're not dressed
for a wedding?
213
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,114
What wedding?
214
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,312
Didn't your friend June
tell you all about it?
215
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,080
lf that's her real name.
216
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,318
l don't know any June.
217
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,236
Of course you don't.
218
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,998
Hey, lke. lke, who's getting married?
219
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,708
Oh, you are good. You are real good.
220
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,277
We are gathered here today...
221
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,552
...to join this couple...
222
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,273
...in holy matrimony.
223
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,710
Yadda yadda yadda, June,
blah blah blah, Al...
224
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,195
...blah blah blah, sight of God.
225
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:44,753
Oh, this is so beautiful.
226
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,150
l want my first wedding
to be just like it.
227
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,909
June, do you take Al to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
228
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,273
Here it comes.
229
00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,119
She'll never say ''I do. ''
230
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,117
l do.
231
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,077
She do.
232
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,395
Al, do you take June to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
233
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,590
What do you want me to say,
Jefferson?
234
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,833
You want me to say you're king?
l won't say it. l'm not gonna say it.
235
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,473
Admit that this is your little joke!
236
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,317
lt's not.
237
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,318
This is my joke.
238
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,159
Hi, Al.
239
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,279
-Mom!
-Mom!
240
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,432
l do.
241
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,475
-Who is this woman?
-She's nobody.
242
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,434
Just my wife.
Hurry up with the ring, boy!
243
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:10,399
-What is going on here?
-Well, Peg, it all started with 1 0 pizzas.
244
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,073
Shut up, Al.
245
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,551
June Morgan, how dare you?
246
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,314
Well, you stole my fiance
at the Wanker wedding hole.
247
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,199
Get over it. We were 1 2.
248
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,949
All right, here's the last
of the duty-free doodie.
249
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,029
Al, l'm gonna go hitch a winch...
250
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:42,030
...up to Mama's girdle
and twang her on out of here.
251
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:47,194
What the hell's going on here?
252
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,677
lt's Jefferson's fault.
He told me l won $1 0 million.
253
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:54,589
Yeah, well, you superglued
a toilet seat to my ass.
254
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,750
What's a toilet seat?
255
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,433
Didn't you get the message
l left you on the answering machine?
256
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,074
What's an answering machine?
257
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:07,471
No, no. Nobody seems to get the
messages off that answering machine.
258
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,752
-Oh, so this is all my fault, then?
-Oh, no, honey.
259
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,195
Once again,
this is your father's fault.
260
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,637
You know what you're gonna have to do
to make this up to me, don't you?
261
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,394
Oh, no, Peg!
262
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,709
Not upstairs!
263
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:27,159
Oh, no, honey.
We're gonna do it standing up.
264
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,108
Right here in front of everyone.
265
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:46,350
For the 37th time, Bundy, do you take
this woman to be your wife?
266
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,397
For the thirty-seventh,
-eighth and -ninth times:
267
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,837
No, no, no.
268
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,073
Come on, Al. lt's not like
we're really getting married.
269
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:04,671
We're just renewing our vows.
Besides, Dad's got you covered.
270
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,232
Just like old times, eh, Ephraim?
271
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,195
Only this time, the gun is loaded.
272
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,155
And so am l.
273
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,108
-Well, Bundy?
-l'm not saying it.
274
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,392
The drunken hillbilly's gonna
have to kill me before l say it again.
275
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,911
-Say what?
-'' l do.''
276
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,913
-Gotcha!
-No, Peg, that doesn't count!
277
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,350
Oh, Al.1
00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,552
Hey, Peg.
2
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:25,911
A fat woman hedgehogged
her way into the shoe store today...
3
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:33,389
Popcorn air freshener.
That could only mean one thing.
4
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,070
-Bundy night at the movies!
-Bundy night at the movies!
5
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:44,319
Oh, Peg, you even got the floor sticky,
just like at the theatre.
6
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,397
You know what else we do
at the theatre?
7
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:50,070
You're not gonna put M&M's in
your lap and make me hunt for them?
8
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:54,433
By the time l get there,
they've melted and it gets all gooey.
9
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:58,839
Well, you know, if you'd get there
sooner, they'd melt in your mouth.
10
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,710
Oh, Peg, it just doesn't get
any better than this. l owe you one.
11
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:07,630
-Well, maybe after the movies, Al-
-l said owe, Peg, as in " not pay."
12
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,072
-Hey.
-Dad.
13
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:19,469
Have anything l could use to create the
impression we're having a windstorm?
14
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,319
Yes, but he's sitting on it.
15
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,069
See, my date really gets turned on
by scary situations.
16
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,238
Apparently, taking his clothes off
isn't enough.
17
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,116
So l decided
to create a fake tornado.
18
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,356
You know,
my own little natural disaster.
19
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,235
Oh, like one of your
hand-lotion tsunamis?
20
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:46,199
Now, let's not tease Bud.
He might turn out weird.
21
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,034
You know,
l really did see something on Oprah...
22
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:55,119
...that said women really do get turned
on by life-threatening situations.
23
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,038
-l know l do.
-Me too.
24
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,993
Why don't you go upstairs
and slip into a dry-cleaning bag...
25
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,679
...see what that does for us?
26
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,232
l'm getting all hot
just thinking about it.
27
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,158
And you wonder
why l have problems with women.
28
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,432
-No, we don't.
-No, we don't.
29
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,912
Looks like we made it just in time,
Ariel.
30
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,671
That tornado's gonna hit
any second now.
31
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,189
But there's not a cloud in the sky.
32
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,398
Well, haven't you ever heard
of the calm before the storm?
33
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:15,357
No. But then, l just realized
the Olsen twins are two people.
34
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,470
Look, why don't you just
take a look outside...
35
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,398
...and you tell me what you see,
okay?
36
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:41,117
Wait a minute. Doesn't
lightning come before thunder?
37
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,909
Yeah, sure,
except in very bad storms...
38
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,830
...when the positive and negative ions
make everything, you know, kooky.
39
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,118
Wow, it's getting really
windy out there, Bud.
40
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,995
You'd better bring those fans in
before they blow away.
41
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,951
l just put those fans out there to
create a counter-vortex to the tornado.
42
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:12,118
Bud, you are so smart and sexy.
43
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,754
l don't know what you see in me.
44
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,396
Hopefully me, in a minute.
45
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,837
These shoes are too big.
l'm swimming in them.
46
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,396
Well, that would explain
the life preserver under your dress.
47
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,149
l'm gonna go out on a limb here.
48
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,352
You've never been
employee of the month, have you?
49
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,872
That's right, but if l were you,
l wouldn't be going out on any limbs.
50
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,116
Look, l told you, l'm a five.
51
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:50,474
And you are going to sell me a five
if l have to sit here all night.
52
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,113
So because you're mad at me...
53
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,756
...you're going to take it out
on a perfectly innocent chair...
54
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,511
...a chair that
has suffered enough already.
55
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,473
Well, l have just about
had enough of you.
56
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,672
You wouldn't say that if l came
with fries and a medium drink.
57
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,553
You know medium,
the size between small and you.
58
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:20,438
l'm not leaving here
until you help me.
59
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,598
l don't know what l could do that God
and Deal-A-Meal couldn't...
60
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,950
...but l'll give it a shot.
61
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:32,670
Griff, you got any aspirin?
Or a harpoon?
62
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:34,915
l'm not talking to you.
63
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,396
l can't believe you're still whining
about that little practical joke.
64
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,716
You sent me to death row.
65
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,750
You made a few close friends.
66
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,396
And they gave you a cool nickname,
Black Beauty.
67
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,754
Mrs. Black Beauty.
68
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,076
You said you wanted to remarry.
69
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,670
Yeah, but not to a 250-pound Filipino.
70
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,518
Since when are you prejudiced?
71
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:04,150
-They strapped me in the electric chair.
-We'd have rescued you sooner.
72
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,511
But when you order a burger well-done,
it ought to come well-done.
73
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,188
Another few seconds,
you could have cooked it on my lap.
74
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:14,712
Well, then, where would
Mr. Black Beauty sit?
75
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,431
Excuse me, but am l invisible?
76
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,550
Possibly from Pluto.
77
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,118
Wow, with the money Bud spent
to get those trees to bend...
78
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,073
...he could have just paid for sex,
like any normal person.
79
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,273
We interrupt Oprah for live coverage
of a local twister.
80
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,672
You know, you gotta give Bud credit.
81
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:47,557
l mean, those live power lines really
look like they hit that school bus.
82
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,669
Kelly, that really is a twister.
83
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,236
Those kids really are trapped
on that bus.
84
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,910
-Cool.
-Cool?
85
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,634
How could you be so insensitive?
86
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,308
This storm could preempt Oprah.
87
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,435
Peggy, Kelly.
88
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,678
As your civil defence block captain,
l'm taking charge.
89
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,519
You are to follow my orders
without asking any questions.
90
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,917
So we're supposed to act
like Mr. D'Arcy?
91
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,350
l said no questions.
92
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,635
First, unplug all the appliances.
93
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,149
Oh, l did that when we moved in.
94
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,878
Okay. Then we've got to get
to the safest place in the house.
95
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,752
Oh, well, that would be Bud's room...
96
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,076
...because nothing ever happens
down there.
97
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:42,269
All right, well, hurry.
98
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,631
You've only got time to grab your
most precious, personal possession.
99
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,111
Can l take two?
100
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,393
Somebody help me.
101
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:08,912
Hey, Al, the wind is really kicking up
on the food court!
102
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,873
This tornado is great.
103
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,239
l'll take a falafel.
104
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,275
l'll bet you would.
105
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,714
All right, now, look.
All right, that's it. Just a minute.
106
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,876
A little bit to leeward.
107
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:40,589
There. All right, now, do me a favour.
Don't stand up till l get my-
108
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,789
Oh, these feel great.
109
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,912
Do they have a special gel lining?
110
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:55,557
Yes, that's the blood spurting
from my severed digit.
111
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:59,878
Well, these are perfect
for my flamenco class.
112
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:12,158
Help me. Help me. Help me.
113
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,113
Al, we gotta go.
lt's getting real scary out there.
114
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,835
Not as scary as it is down here.
115
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,390
Don't worry.
l won't leave you, Buddy.
116
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:29,273
Help! Help! Help me!
117
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,436
See you, buddy!
118
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:41,116
l wonder what could happen
to make this situation any worse.
119
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,550
l have to go to the bathroom.
120
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,109
Okay, Marcy.
121
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:14,871
l opened all the windows, tied down
the rose bushes, turned off the gas...
122
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,595
...and cut your underwear
into tiny little pieces.
123
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,035
Why'd you do that?
124
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,596
Because l wanted to be
the block captain.
125
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,030
Well, you're not.
126
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,834
Hey, Mom, do you think Dad's safe
from the tornado?
127
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:34,239
Oh, honey, l'm sure he's protected
by his "cone of smell."
128
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,470
Yeah, but what if
it's like The Wizard of Oz?
129
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,036
Kelly, what are you thinking?
130
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,392
Daddy's gonna get sucked up by a
tornado, spin around in the air...
131
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,239
...and then land smack
on some wicked witch?
132
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,914
Help!
133
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,590
l'm home.
134
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:06,954
Well, l guess all we need now
is to have a house fall on us.
135
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,592
Cool.
136
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,116
l told you l was a size five.
137
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:39,197
Well, Al, so much
for your little threesome fantasy.
138
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,790
Oh, that was no threesome, Peg.
That was a fivesome.
139
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,433
Oh, why, oh, why,
did l have to land here?
140
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,996
Why couldn't it have been
a nice toxic waste dump?
141
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,952
Well, it is.
142
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,319
l think l might have cracked
my pelvis.
143
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,750
-Quit whining, Al.
-Hey, you.
144
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:02,158
l just survived Operation Dumbo Drop.
l don't wanna have no lip from you.
145
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,949
Come on, Al. The women are depending
on us for emotional strength.
146
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,709
lt's coming, Marcy!
Do something, quick!
147
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,359
What did you do that for?
148
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:26,189
Well, Marcy did it
and she's the block captain.
149
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,075
Well, she certainly
has the haircut for it.
150
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,593
People, people, don't panic.
Everything will be fine...
151
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,349
...if we just all move into the basement
in an orderly fashion.
152
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,751
Me! Me!
153
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,435
Hey, hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
154
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,278
Now, aren't we forgetting
something?
155
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,391
Wage-earners
before couch potatoes?
156
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,909
No. l mean Lucky. Where is he?
157
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,590
Same place we always put him
during bad weather. Outside.
158
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,358
Come on, let's get in the basement.
159
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,875
Well, l'm not going anywhere
until l get Lucky.
160
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,117
Well, that should take
about 30 seconds.
161
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:07,236
Kelly, you take this walkie-talkie
with you and call us if you need help.
162
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,839
Okay. Oh, you know what?
163
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,679
l better take this one,
just in case this one breaks.
164
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,389
Well, good luck and Godspeed. And
remember, we're all in this together.
165
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,278
Hey! Let me in!
166
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:22,752
l am your block captain.
167
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,555
l am your leader.
You will die without me.
168
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,878
l am in charge.
169
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,799
You will die without a leader.
170
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,197
Let me in.
l'm gonna break this door down.
171
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:41,077
One, two, three!
172
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:57,355
Attention. l hate you people.
173
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,917
Yeah, well, imagine how l feel.
174
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,678
We're in the middle
of something here.
175
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,193
This is an emergency.
176
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,597
Please put on your pants.
There's a twister coming.
177
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,468
No, there isn't.
178
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,389
l just rigged up some hoses and fans
to trick Ariel into sleeping with me.
179
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,110
Yes, Bud, but in the meantime,
a real storm blew in.
180
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,390
So l went to all this trouble
for nothing?
181
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,194
Bud, you're obscene.
182
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,551
Who could possibly get turned on
in the face of disaster?
183
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,119
Oh, l'm not turned on.
l just need shelter.
184
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,595
You could be a tree or a garage or-
185
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,075
Or a laundry-folding wimp.
186
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:03,268
Women, be brave. There is no reason
to lean on us or touch us in any way.
187
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,672
For once, l agree with Al.
188
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:10,908
As your civil defence block captain,
there will be no sex during the storm.
189
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,554
No. No. No.
190
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,357
Help us, Al! Do something.
191
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,797
Don't do that. Not that way.
192
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,157
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
193
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,512
Well, l guess it's safe enough
to go upstairs now.
194
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,349
But be careful.
There could be loose beams.
195
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,719
Oh, damn door is jammed.
196
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,356
Move aside, Marcy.
Let the men handle this. Jefferson?
197
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,628
-Bud.
-All right, Dad.
198
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:15,156
What? What? No, no! Wait! No!
199
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:24,348
Damn door. Damn Bud's head.
Damn soft spot that never healed.
200
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,636
Try it again.
201
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,316
Al, put him down.
202
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,954
All right. Get out of here.
203
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,271
Furniture must be blocking the door.
204
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,675
l hope my couch is okay.
205
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,270
There must be another way
out of here.
206
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,113
Hey, Al,
how about the secret way out?
207
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,070
lt's a secret.
208
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,113
-Now, don't panic, Jefferson.
-You're right.
209
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,470
After all,
Kelly knows we're down here.
210
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,796
Right.
And as soon as she remembers...
211
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,077
-Help! Help!
-Help! Help!
212
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,879
Come on, Lucky. Come here, Lucky.
Please, stop. Come on, Lucky.
213
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:15,511
That's weird. l can outrun a tornado,
but l can't catch the damn dog.
214
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,951
Maybe l'll try chasing the tornado
for a while. Yeah, okay.
215
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,152
Here, twister. Come on, twister.
Here, twister.
216
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,873
Well, since we're stuck here,
we might as well play Mad Libs. Okay?
217
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,149
l need a verb.
218
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,153
Cluck.
219
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,598
Okay.
Somebody give me a command.
220
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,631
Cluck you?
221
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,436
l like you.
222
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,715
You know, perhaps Mad Libs is just a
little too advanced for you people...
223
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,833
...so let's just play 20 questions,
okay? Who'll ask the first question?
224
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,792
Go to hell.
225
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,916
That's not a question.
226
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,148
Why don't you go to hell?
227
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,110
l really like you.
228
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:08,509
Well, l'm good at games,
except l always lose at strip poker.
229
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,679
Game time is over.
230
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,158
Perhaps this would be a good time
to hand out the food.
231
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,430
Okay. But supplies are limited.
232
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,313
So we're gonna have
to pace ourselves.
233
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,470
Good powdered turkey.
234
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,158
Dad, you're supposed to dissolve it
in water first.
235
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,071
Yeah, l thought the turkey
was a little dry this year.
236
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,509
Peg, open up the powdered yams.
237
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,152
Al, l can't believe you'd expect me
to cook at a time like this.
238
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,799
Well, it's not over yet, folks.
239
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,198
That tornado that hit Cook County is
expected to double back at force five.
240
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:01,916
Force five? That's five times
stronger than the last one.
241
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,390
Dear God, no.
l can't live through that again.
242
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:15,993
Oh, the darkness, the cold,
the awful suction!
243
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,318
-l'm not talking about the tornado, Al.
-Neither am l.
244
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,557
Hey, Al, l know that we swore
on a stack of Big'Uns...
245
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,797
...to keep the secret way out
a secret, but...
246
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:38,757
You're right, Jefferson.
This is a matter of life or sex.
247
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,949
-You got your key?
-Always.
248
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:48,398
On my mark.
249
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,558
Okay, Jefferson. Hurry up.
250
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,070
You realize
we may never see our wives again.
251
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,716
l know.
252
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,398
-l think we made it, Jefferson.
-Yeah.
253
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,313
We're in heaven.
254
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,356
lt's not fair.
The Cowardly Lion got courage...
255
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,275
...the Tin Man got a heart,
and you got a brain.
256
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,275
-What did the Wizard give you?
A physical.
257
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,794
Hey, cut it out!1
00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:13,381
Big day today, Peg.
l'm getting a raise.
2
00:00:13,593 --> 00:00:17,108
Al, you haven't had a raise
since our honeymoon.
3
00:00:17,993 --> 00:00:19,984
And even that was below minimum.
4
00:00:24,153 --> 00:00:25,791
What's for breakfast today, Peg?
5
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,712
Scrambled nothing
or nothing over easy?
6
00:00:29,513 --> 00:00:32,505
You know, Al, l've been a little
concerned about your cholesterol.
7
00:00:32,713 --> 00:00:36,183
So l've switched to Nothing Beaters.
8
00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:40,865
Besides, your paycheque is so small,
we can't afford the luxuries of life.
9
00:00:41,073 --> 00:00:44,907
Gee, Peg,
is a shotgun considered a luxury?
10
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:52,512
Maybe. But unlike you, Al, a shotgun
can go off more than once a month.
11
00:00:54,273 --> 00:00:55,865
lf l had something worth stuffing...
12
00:00:56,073 --> 00:00:58,633
...maybe l'd take my gun
in the woods more often.
13
00:01:03,953 --> 00:01:06,706
Mom, have you seen
my lucky audition blouse?
14
00:01:06,913 --> 00:01:09,950
-What does it look like?
-lt's see-through.
15
00:01:11,033 --> 00:01:13,388
Maybe that's why l can't find it.
16
00:01:19,393 --> 00:01:22,749
Hi, there. l have a free gift for Peg
Bundy, Home Shopper of the Month.
17
00:01:24,873 --> 00:01:27,433
Kelly, give the man a tip.
18
00:01:27,753 --> 00:01:31,632
l get dressed with the curtains
open every morning.
19
00:01:32,713 --> 00:01:35,591
l know.
Why do you think l picked this route?
20
00:01:35,833 --> 00:01:37,266
Bye.
21
00:01:54,113 --> 00:01:55,865
What is it?
22
00:01:57,353 --> 00:01:59,309
lt's a microwave oven.
23
00:01:59,513 --> 00:02:03,267
What kind of cruel joke is this?
Send it back.
24
00:02:03,513 --> 00:02:05,663
Wait. No, no, no.
l've heard about these.
25
00:02:05,873 --> 00:02:10,025
Now, whenever you want hot food,
all you have to do is press the buttons.
26
00:02:12,553 --> 00:02:13,872
So it's like the phone.
27
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:17,066
Hello.
28
00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:58,030
l'm telling you, buddy,
hard as we work, we deserve a raise.
29
00:02:58,233 --> 00:03:01,270
Let us in!
30
00:03:02,873 --> 00:03:05,148
Oh, Griff, it's your turn.
31
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,628
All right.
32
00:03:19,553 --> 00:03:22,989
You know, l could get a trained chimp
to do your job...
33
00:03:23,193 --> 00:03:25,832
...but it'd be a waste
of a perfectly good trained chimp.
34
00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:30,185
Yeah, but it's such a nice vacation
for him to get out of your bedroom.
35
00:03:31,873 --> 00:03:35,991
By the way,
l think that is one lucky chimp.
36
00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:40,663
This year,
we're going to have a sales contest.
37
00:03:40,873 --> 00:03:42,750
First place gets the raise.
38
00:03:42,953 --> 00:03:46,150
Second place
gets a swift kick in the ass.
39
00:03:46,353 --> 00:03:49,743
Why don't you give us a real incentive?
Let the winner kick you in the ass.
40
00:03:55,153 --> 00:03:58,304
lnstead of kicking my butt,
you should be kissing it.
41
00:03:58,513 --> 00:04:02,506
Hey, what do you think l look like,
your monkey?
42
00:04:06,833 --> 00:04:10,303
-That stinks.
-Yeah. Sorry, it's a tough break, buddy.
43
00:04:10,513 --> 00:04:12,424
What are you talking about?
44
00:04:12,633 --> 00:04:15,511
Well, come on, Griff,
you can't compete with my charm.
45
00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,385
l'm a natural-born salesman.
46
00:04:17,593 --> 00:04:19,231
-Excuse me-
-Hey!
47
00:04:19,473 --> 00:04:23,227
Do l come to the hag shop,
bother you when you're working?
48
00:04:26,473 --> 00:04:30,466
This contest is no contest.
You're going down, Bundy.
49
00:04:30,673 --> 00:04:33,141
Let's rock, fat boy.
50
00:04:35,313 --> 00:04:37,190
Your mama.
51
00:04:38,113 --> 00:04:40,388
My wife.
52
00:04:42,393 --> 00:04:44,065
You win.
53
00:04:46,473 --> 00:04:48,429
No, l don't.
54
00:04:50,393 --> 00:04:52,748
Mom, l'm telling you,
this microwave is broken.
55
00:04:52,953 --> 00:04:57,151
Now, l keep pressing the popcorn
button and no popcorn's coming out.
56
00:04:58,233 --> 00:05:01,987
Well, try pressing lamb, pork or veal.
57
00:05:04,193 --> 00:05:06,309
Wonder which one it will be.
58
00:05:10,593 --> 00:05:13,630
Excuse me, Betty and Moronica.
59
00:05:16,313 --> 00:05:18,873
You gotta put food in it first.
60
00:05:19,073 --> 00:05:21,189
Well, then what good is it?
61
00:05:21,993 --> 00:05:25,144
Oh, look, wait. l found something
way here in the back.
62
00:05:28,313 --> 00:05:30,224
lt's a little turtle.
63
00:05:32,273 --> 00:05:34,548
Timmy Turtle?
64
00:05:36,473 --> 00:05:38,270
You said he went to go live
on a farm...
65
00:05:38,473 --> 00:05:41,704
...where he had more room
to romp and play.
66
00:05:42,393 --> 00:05:46,386
Well, honey, actually,
Timmy Turtle had a terrible disease...
67
00:05:46,593 --> 00:05:50,222
...and we decided to freeze him
until we could find a cure.
68
00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:54,231
He has no head, Mom.
69
00:05:55,793 --> 00:05:58,227
Well, that was his disease.
70
00:05:58,713 --> 00:06:01,022
Well, do they have a cure
for that yet?
71
00:06:02,073 --> 00:06:05,190
Well, when they find a cure for that,
you'll be the first to know.
72
00:06:06,313 --> 00:06:08,269
See you soon, Timmy.
73
00:06:09,153 --> 00:06:11,303
Oh, look, here's a meatball.
74
00:06:11,513 --> 00:06:13,902
Oh, put that in. Come on.
75
00:06:18,593 --> 00:06:22,711
Oh, my God. That meatball has eyes.
76
00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,023
Timmy!
77
00:06:39,713 --> 00:06:41,749
-Well, that was fun.
-Yeah.
78
00:06:41,953 --> 00:06:44,751
l wonder what
a bigger head would do.
79
00:06:51,873 --> 00:06:54,068
That's your father.
Quick, hide the microwave.
80
00:06:54,273 --> 00:06:57,629
lf he smells turtle brains,
he's gonna want dinner. Go on.
81
00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:09,828
Something smells good.
82
00:07:10,273 --> 00:07:12,582
Oh, gee, Al, l saw that on Oprah.
83
00:07:12,793 --> 00:07:18,265
Smelling things that aren't really there
is the first the sign of a brain tumour.
84
00:07:18,473 --> 00:07:19,667
Gee, Peg, l thought...
85
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:22,831
...that watching Oprah was
the first sign of a brain tumour.
86
00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:29,946
There you go.
87
00:07:30,553 --> 00:07:31,702
There it is, ma'am.
88
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:38,706
No waiting at Register 2.
89
00:07:44,473 --> 00:07:45,542
Free shoes.
90
00:07:45,753 --> 00:07:49,541
-Can you help me?
-Madam, l would be delighted.
91
00:07:49,753 --> 00:07:53,587
Do these shoes make me look fat?
Be honest.
92
00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:59,384
No, they make you look very...fat.
93
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:02,587
l'm sorry, l'm new at this.
94
00:08:02,793 --> 00:08:04,545
May l add, that's a lovely broach...
95
00:08:05,073 --> 00:08:07,951
...or is it cud stain?
96
00:08:10,873 --> 00:08:14,946
Score one more
for the Griff Express!
97
00:08:16,073 --> 00:08:18,826
You know, Griff,
because l respect our friendship...
98
00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:21,308
...l'm willing to split that raise
right now.
99
00:08:21,513 --> 00:08:23,105
Like l'm gonna fall for that.
100
00:08:23,313 --> 00:08:26,669
Come on, Griff. We ought to
make Gary give us both a raise.
101
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:28,909
-How?
-Well, l mean...
102
00:08:29,113 --> 00:08:31,707
...she must be doing
something illegal.
103
00:08:31,913 --> 00:08:34,381
Yeah, but will the monkey
wear a wire?
104
00:08:38,513 --> 00:08:40,344
Sign here for shoes
from the sweatshop.
105
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,703
Not now, kid.
We're trying to blackmail someone.
106
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:45,746
Please, hurry. lf l am late
getting back to the sweatshop...
107
00:08:45,953 --> 00:08:49,184
...they'll make we watch
Caroline in the City.
108
00:08:50,353 --> 00:08:52,184
Kid, we're talking here.
109
00:08:52,393 --> 00:08:55,783
Now, what can we
blackmail Gary with?
110
00:08:56,273 --> 00:09:00,107
Excuse me, but l have to get back
to Gary's sweatshop.
111
00:09:00,833 --> 00:09:04,951
Hey. This kid just gave me
a great idea.
112
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,872
Long John Silver's for lunch?
113
00:09:08,473 --> 00:09:12,546
No. Don't you get it?
Sweatshop, blackmail.
114
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,506
-Gary's going down.
-Yeah!
115
00:09:31,273 --> 00:09:34,151
Okay. We got the camera,
the lapel mike...
116
00:09:34,353 --> 00:09:36,708
...and the bullet-proof underwear.
117
00:09:37,193 --> 00:09:40,742
Hey, you didn't tell me
to bring any special underwear.
118
00:09:40,953 --> 00:09:43,911
Yours are already bullet-proof.
119
00:09:44,993 --> 00:09:48,065
Right. Hey, this spy stuff
makes me hungry.
120
00:09:48,273 --> 00:09:51,788
-Did you bring the Cheetos?
-No. Too crunchy.
121
00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:53,826
l brought gummy bears.
122
00:09:57,353 --> 00:10:00,584
This is the most humiliating thing
l have ever done.
123
00:10:02,913 --> 00:10:06,872
You obviously don't remember
your Little League tryouts.
124
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,303
ls the sombrero-cam ready?
125
00:10:16,393 --> 00:10:22,343
Bud, go in there and get pictures of the
horrible, squalid working conditions.
126
00:10:23,073 --> 00:10:24,825
Go on, go on, go on.
127
00:10:32,513 --> 00:10:35,311
Keep it in your hat, Budro.
128
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:41,186
Now, l'm wearing the wire.
129
00:10:41,393 --> 00:10:43,304
l'll get this guy
to incriminate himself.
130
00:10:43,513 --> 00:10:47,711
All right, all right. l'll go search
the office for damaging evidence.
131
00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:48,948
Jefferson.
132
00:10:50,673 --> 00:10:52,743
These two gummy bears are doing it.
133
00:10:59,193 --> 00:11:00,865
Hi. l'm Bob Thompson.
134
00:11:01,073 --> 00:11:04,827
Welcome to Happy Soles Footwear.
What can l do for you?
135
00:11:06,473 --> 00:11:09,590
-Gummy bear?
-Thank you.
136
00:11:10,673 --> 00:11:15,269
l have an underage worker for you.
Are you interested?
137
00:11:16,313 --> 00:11:18,702
So you would be interested...
138
00:11:18,913 --> 00:11:23,862
...in exploiting this child
in your highly illegal sweatshop.
139
00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:29,703
You wanna clarify that?
140
00:11:31,073 --> 00:11:32,904
He's nodding.
141
00:11:33,913 --> 00:11:38,703
Would you care to add anything before
we strike this highly illegal bargain?
142
00:11:38,913 --> 00:11:40,790
Yeah.
These bears appear to be doing it.
143
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:42,984
l said that!
144
00:11:44,873 --> 00:11:47,262
-Hey!
-Who was that?
145
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:51,148
Why, that's Manny.
He's our VP of human resources.
146
00:11:51,353 --> 00:11:53,787
He's in charge of orientation.
147
00:11:56,553 --> 00:11:58,191
That seemed a little harsh.
148
00:11:58,393 --> 00:12:01,749
Well, here's your finder's fee.
149
00:12:05,713 --> 00:12:07,112
Dad!
150
00:12:07,313 --> 00:12:10,623
Well, spare the prod, spoil the child.
151
00:12:10,993 --> 00:12:13,382
Hey, are you interested
in buying an older redhead?
152
00:12:13,593 --> 00:12:16,903
Now, she's not go a good worker,
but she's a good breeder.
153
00:12:17,113 --> 00:12:19,911
l wouldn't breed her,
but somebody could.
154
00:12:20,113 --> 00:12:22,627
We're full up.
A pleasure doing business with you.
155
00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:24,824
Yeah, you too. Hey, in the future...
156
00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:27,263
...if l should come here
for my sweatshop needs...
157
00:12:27,473 --> 00:12:30,545
...should l go directly to you
or to your boss...
158
00:12:30,753 --> 00:12:34,712
...Gary, from Gary's Shoes?
159
00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:36,302
Whatever.
160
00:12:36,513 --> 00:12:39,107
He said, "Whatever."
161
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:44,229
Al, Al, look at the slave wages
they pay these poor people.
162
00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:46,389
They make more than me!
163
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:50,108
And they get gruel.
164
00:12:52,153 --> 00:12:58,103
Dad-o! Help-o! Lots of blood-o!
165
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:03,183
You chuckleheads, this better be good.
l'm in the middle of a facial.
166
00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:05,987
Well, turn around.
Let's see how it's going.
167
00:13:06,593 --> 00:13:08,948
Look, we know you run a sweatshop.
168
00:13:09,153 --> 00:13:13,066
And we've got the proof.
169
00:13:13,273 --> 00:13:15,707
All right.
You caught me with my pants down.
170
00:13:15,913 --> 00:13:18,586
Hey, enough about your facial.
171
00:13:19,153 --> 00:13:22,145
Now, we have demands.
We want shorter working hours.
172
00:13:22,353 --> 00:13:25,550
Al, that means you'd have to spend
more time at home.
173
00:13:25,753 --> 00:13:27,948
We demand longer working hours.
174
00:13:28,153 --> 00:13:30,428
No, we don't. We want money.
175
00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:32,305
Okay, you got me over a barrel.
176
00:13:32,513 --> 00:13:34,663
Hey, who's blackmailing who, here?
177
00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:40,303
What l'm saying is:
You can have anything you want.
178
00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:51,391
Two hundred and fifty bucks.
179
00:13:53,073 --> 00:13:54,665
Each?
180
00:14:01,553 --> 00:14:03,225
Yes.
181
00:14:04,633 --> 00:14:05,702
l'll do it.
182
00:14:05,953 --> 00:14:09,263
-l'll bring you the money tomorrow.
-Today.
183
00:14:10,113 --> 00:14:13,150
Okay, but l'll have to miss
my electrolysis.
184
00:14:15,993 --> 00:14:17,631
-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow.
185
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:23,304
lt's almost ready.
186
00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:27,103
Mom. Mom, look at the clock.
187
00:14:27,313 --> 00:14:29,873
l think we're going backwards
in time.
188
00:14:31,073 --> 00:14:35,385
Well, maybe it can take us
back to before l met Al.
189
00:14:36,513 --> 00:14:39,107
Then l wouldn't have been born.
190
00:14:39,673 --> 00:14:41,709
Not necessarily.
191
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:46,789
There's your Dad.
Hide the microwave.
192
00:14:46,993 --> 00:14:49,791
-Where?
-Put it on my side of the bed.
193
00:14:49,993 --> 00:14:52,746
Lord knows,
he'll never find anything there.
194
00:14:52,953 --> 00:14:54,784
Hold on.
195
00:15:00,513 --> 00:15:01,628
Now, now, Peg.
196
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:05,030
Peg, l swear l smell food.
197
00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:08,623
Now, you haven't been eating around
on me behind my back, have you?
198
00:15:09,353 --> 00:15:12,584
Al, l can't even breathe
behind your back.
199
00:15:13,673 --> 00:15:16,028
Hey, what is that?
l heard a ding.
200
00:15:17,273 --> 00:15:18,228
Ringing in your ears.
201
00:15:18,433 --> 00:15:20,264
That's the second sign
of a brain tumour.
202
00:15:20,473 --> 00:15:21,701
You must be terminal.
203
00:15:22,313 --> 00:15:25,862
Peg, you don't have to cheer me up.
l've had a great day.
204
00:15:32,713 --> 00:15:37,264
Well, Marcy, congratulations.
l didn't know you were expecting.
205
00:15:46,433 --> 00:15:49,470
Peggy, my oven is on the fritz...
206
00:15:49,673 --> 00:15:52,346
...and l was hoping
you could warm my giblets.
207
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:56,989
l thought that was your husband's
unfortunate job.
208
00:15:57,993 --> 00:16:01,906
No. lt's my job to stuff the bird.
209
00:16:05,993 --> 00:16:09,508
You know, Al, there are so many things
that l could point out right now.
210
00:16:09,713 --> 00:16:13,342
Your receding hairline,
your depraved children-
211
00:16:13,553 --> 00:16:17,387
Your chronically unsatisfied wife.
212
00:16:17,913 --> 00:16:21,428
Thank you, Peggy,
but l just think l'll keep it simple.
213
00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:24,101
You're a shoe salesman.
214
00:16:24,993 --> 00:16:30,545
Make that
shoe salesman/extortionist.
215
00:16:31,153 --> 00:16:35,465
Al's boss runs an illegal sweatshop
and he's blackmailing her.
216
00:16:35,673 --> 00:16:39,427
Al Bundy,
l have never been so ashamed of you.
217
00:16:39,633 --> 00:16:41,942
Oh, except for last night.
218
00:16:42,353 --> 00:16:44,469
We'll just keep that
between ourselves...
219
00:16:44,673 --> 00:16:47,426
...which was something
you weren't able to do...
220
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:50,864
...but let's not get into it, which
you know you also had trouble with.
221
00:16:51,073 --> 00:16:52,347
Okay, Peg.
222
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,386
All right. l'm sorry, Al.
l won't bring it up again.
223
00:16:55,593 --> 00:16:57,424
Of course, up-
224
00:17:01,673 --> 00:17:04,870
Al Bundy,
you are a despicable human being.
225
00:17:05,073 --> 00:17:06,950
And you, Jefferson,
will be slaving away...
226
00:17:07,153 --> 00:17:09,986
...in your own little sweatshop
tonight.
227
00:17:11,193 --> 00:17:13,661
Well, Peg, since my ship came in,
l'm going out.
228
00:17:13,873 --> 00:17:16,433
l think l'll bowl a few frames.
229
00:17:17,393 --> 00:17:21,989
Honey, why don't you just
stay home and bowl me over?
230
00:17:24,353 --> 00:17:28,505
Because, Peg, l prefer a place
where my balls are returned properly.
231
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,225
Hi, pumpkin.
232
00:17:40,673 --> 00:17:42,391
Hey, Daddy.
233
00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:48,183
What are you doing in the closet?
234
00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:54,743
This isn't the closet.
This is the... lt's the elevator.
235
00:17:56,153 --> 00:17:57,791
Alrighty.
236
00:18:02,393 --> 00:18:04,270
Going up.
237
00:18:10,033 --> 00:18:12,866
Boy, this day just keeps getting
better and better.
238
00:18:15,593 --> 00:18:17,549
All right, beat this.
239
00:18:17,753 --> 00:18:22,747
Over the fountain, off the Gap sign...
240
00:18:22,953 --> 00:18:27,549
...and right into that woman grazing
the Hickory Barn sample bag.
241
00:18:29,713 --> 00:18:33,103
What do l get if l knock the salami
out of her mouth?
242
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,622
A grateful salami.
243
00:18:38,753 --> 00:18:41,870
Hey, no fair banking it
off her forehead.
244
00:18:42,073 --> 00:18:43,665
Oh, my God. lt's Gary.
245
00:18:46,913 --> 00:18:49,347
Which one of you morons
threw this shoe?
246
00:18:49,553 --> 00:18:51,111
-He did.
-He did.
247
00:18:52,193 --> 00:18:53,911
All right, you idiots.
248
00:18:54,113 --> 00:18:57,628
Here's your hush money.
Where's the evidence?
249
00:19:01,153 --> 00:19:02,472
Hey, this is fake money.
250
00:19:02,673 --> 00:19:05,710
There's no such thing
as a hundred dollar bill.
251
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,706
Here they are.
252
00:19:09,513 --> 00:19:13,028
This is Miranda Vera Cruz
de la Hoya Cardinale.
253
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:18,267
Thanks to news tipster,
Marcy D'Arcy...
254
00:19:18,473 --> 00:19:22,864
...we have just discovered that
Gary's Shoes uses sweatshop labour.
255
00:19:23,073 --> 00:19:24,904
And if that isn't bad enough...
256
00:19:25,113 --> 00:19:28,185
...these shoes are hideous
and poorly constructed.
257
00:19:28,393 --> 00:19:31,385
Speaking of hideous
and poorly-constructed...
258
00:19:31,593 --> 00:19:34,630
...meet Gary,
owner of Gary's sweatshop.
259
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:37,472
You are the one
who's exploiting these children?
260
00:19:37,673 --> 00:19:39,504
What do you have to say
for yourself?
261
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,543
You can say l'm ugly.
262
00:19:42,993 --> 00:19:46,349
You can say l'm untalented.
263
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:51,702
But don't you dare say
l don't care about the children.
264
00:19:56,353 --> 00:19:58,787
Frank Gifford gave us more.
265
00:19:58,993 --> 00:20:02,030
That's my money. l blackmailed
that money, fair and square.
266
00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:03,552
Give up, Al.
267
00:20:04,273 --> 00:20:06,389
What about me, huh?
l'm exploited.
268
00:20:06,593 --> 00:20:09,471
l'm overworked, underpaid
and malnourished.
269
00:20:09,673 --> 00:20:12,141
l've got a brain tumour.
270
00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:16,511
Al, three things. First:
271
00:20:19,353 --> 00:20:23,471
Second, to have a brain tumour,
you have to have a brain.
272
00:20:24,313 --> 00:20:26,508
And third, this is not about you.
273
00:20:26,713 --> 00:20:30,547
This is about these poor,
victimized children.
274
00:20:30,753 --> 00:20:34,268
-Thank you, senora.
-Watch the hook, Paco.
275
00:20:35,153 --> 00:20:37,223
This is cashmere.
276
00:20:39,393 --> 00:20:42,624
Oh, thanks, idiots.
l couldn't buy publicity like this.
277
00:20:42,833 --> 00:20:45,108
-So you're gonna give us the raise?
-Forget it.
278
00:20:45,313 --> 00:20:48,271
Since l've been busted,
l'm cutting your salaries in half.
279
00:20:48,473 --> 00:20:50,987
Back to work, morons.
280
00:20:52,873 --> 00:20:57,628
You heard the man. Back to work.
281
00:20:57,913 --> 00:20:59,551
Across the Orange Julius...
282
00:20:59,753 --> 00:21:02,790
...to the Sunglass Hut,
to the NordicTrack store...
283
00:21:02,993 --> 00:21:06,269
...and right up
Gary's monkey-loving butt.
284
00:21:28,833 --> 00:21:31,905
What kind of trashy tramp
would wear these?1
00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,775
Man, l love COPS.
2
00:00:12,978 --> 00:00:14,855
Yeah, definitely the best show on FOX.
3
00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,128
Yeah, like that's saying much.
4
00:00:18,778 --> 00:00:20,814
The American justice system
at work.
5
00:00:21,018 --> 00:00:24,328
Beating the crap out of people
before judges let them go.
6
00:00:28,578 --> 00:00:31,615
Almost makes me want to pay taxes.
7
00:00:32,058 --> 00:00:33,810
Or vote.
8
00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:36,855
You know, l could have been
a great cop.
9
00:00:37,058 --> 00:00:39,811
Well, with my catlike reflexes
and keen senses.
10
00:00:40,018 --> 00:00:42,851
l got eyes in the back of my head,
you know.
11
00:00:43,058 --> 00:00:48,576
Peg. Peg, could you keep it down?
We're trying to watch TV, here.
12
00:00:53,498 --> 00:00:57,889
Do you believe that show is still
on the air?
13
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,853
lt's a classic. l love it.
14
00:01:07,058 --> 00:01:10,289
-Except for the stupid neighbours.
-Yeah.
15
00:01:48,218 --> 00:01:51,847
So use Extra extra virgin olive oil.
16
00:01:52,218 --> 00:01:56,097
lt's 100 percent pure like me.
17
00:01:58,058 --> 00:01:59,810
Not pure enough. Next.
18
00:02:01,178 --> 00:02:02,452
Are you kidding?
19
00:02:02,658 --> 00:02:05,491
Kelly is the perfect spokesmodel
for your olive oil.
20
00:02:05,698 --> 00:02:07,256
No one is more innocent.
21
00:02:07,458 --> 00:02:11,451
Hey, time out, boys.
My thong is riding up.
22
00:02:14,098 --> 00:02:16,487
lt's a chastity thong.
23
00:02:16,698 --> 00:02:19,690
Young man, this is a national
advertising campaign.
24
00:02:19,898 --> 00:02:23,413
Our spokesperson has to be as pure
as the oil itself.
25
00:02:26,138 --> 00:02:28,891
Sister Claire, l assure you,
Kelly is so pure...
26
00:02:29,098 --> 00:02:32,408
...she makes Mother Teresa
look slutty.
27
00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:35,815
l could tell you stories.
28
00:02:36,018 --> 00:02:37,167
Really?
29
00:02:38,138 --> 00:02:41,847
Sister, l hate to play hard ball
with you but-
30
00:02:42,058 --> 00:02:45,255
Sonny, l spend every day
wrestling with Beelzebub.
31
00:02:45,458 --> 00:02:47,767
l think l can take your best shot.
32
00:02:47,978 --> 00:02:51,254
Well, Kelly's got a firm offer
from the Jehovah's Witnesses...
33
00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:53,369
...to be their new watchtower girl.
34
00:02:53,578 --> 00:02:54,727
So, what's it gonna be?
35
00:02:54,938 --> 00:02:55,893
Sold.
36
00:02:56,098 --> 00:02:59,727
l love putting the screws
to those jerks.
37
00:03:01,338 --> 00:03:02,691
Deal?
38
00:03:03,418 --> 00:03:05,648
But she will have to sign
this morals clause.
39
00:03:05,858 --> 00:03:11,490
And remember, l will be watching.
And so will he.
40
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:16,212
Hey. So did you get me the job?
41
00:03:16,418 --> 00:03:17,817
ls the Pope Catholic?
42
00:03:18,018 --> 00:03:21,533
How should l know?
Hello, l'm not really a nun.
43
00:03:24,498 --> 00:03:27,058
No, but you play one on TV.
44
00:03:27,258 --> 00:03:28,577
-You got the job.
-Oh, my God.
45
00:03:28,778 --> 00:03:31,895
-You got the job.
-We're gonna be rich. Yeah me.
46
00:03:32,098 --> 00:03:35,056
But, unlike your bra, there's a catch.
47
00:03:36,018 --> 00:03:38,452
See, you're gonna have to sign
this morals clause.
48
00:03:38,658 --> 00:03:39,886
You have to be chaste.
49
00:03:40,098 --> 00:03:42,293
Well, do l get a head start?
50
00:03:43,418 --> 00:03:46,091
Kelly, to get a head start,
you have to have a head.
51
00:03:46,578 --> 00:03:49,456
But my point is, until the sister
goes back to the convent...
52
00:03:49,658 --> 00:03:52,092
...you have to act like
you're not interested in men.
53
00:03:53,498 --> 00:03:56,456
This is gonna be
my most challenging role yet.
54
00:03:56,658 --> 00:04:00,253
Except, of course, when l played Dino
in Flintstones in the Park.
55
00:04:00,458 --> 00:04:01,573
Oh, yeah, big stretch.
56
00:04:01,778 --> 00:04:03,609
You jumping a guy
and licking his face...
57
00:04:03,818 --> 00:04:05,695
...as soon as he walks
through the door.
58
00:04:05,898 --> 00:04:10,096
Excuse me. l had to play
a hyperactive dinosaur.
59
00:04:10,298 --> 00:04:13,813
That bitch Pebbles
kept trying to upstage me.
60
00:04:15,458 --> 00:04:17,369
Kelly, can you please try
and concentrate?
61
00:04:17,578 --> 00:04:20,934
lf you can do this,
we can make $20,000.
62
00:04:21,138 --> 00:04:23,208
Who needs men?
63
00:04:23,418 --> 00:04:26,012
Except for this one over here.
64
00:04:26,218 --> 00:04:27,571
Hey.
65
00:04:27,778 --> 00:04:30,338
What? You expect me to quit
cold turkey?
66
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:33,450
l think l'm gonna need a patch
or something.
67
00:04:34,898 --> 00:04:36,126
So let me get this straight.
68
00:04:36,338 --> 00:04:38,488
You were sitting not more than
four feet away...
69
00:04:38,698 --> 00:04:40,768
...while a criminal bound
and gagged your wife?
70
00:04:40,978 --> 00:04:43,048
l feel terrible about it.
71
00:04:45,898 --> 00:04:49,049
He took my lucky bowling shirt.
72
00:04:50,778 --> 00:04:52,530
The one you've never washed?
73
00:04:52,738 --> 00:04:55,730
You sure it didn't just walk off
on its own?
74
00:04:56,458 --> 00:04:59,211
No, l think the shoulders
were a little broader.
75
00:04:59,418 --> 00:05:03,491
The jaw was a little more chiselled,
and there was a dimple.
76
00:05:03,698 --> 00:05:05,256
There, that's him.
77
00:05:05,458 --> 00:05:08,973
So you were robbed by a pirate
who looks like Brad Pitt?
78
00:05:09,818 --> 00:05:11,888
Are you sure this is who we're
looking for?
79
00:05:12,098 --> 00:05:15,374
Well, he's who l'm looking for.
80
00:05:16,378 --> 00:05:20,576
Okay. For your insurance report,
we got you down for a bowling shirt...
81
00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:23,087
...a Maserati and a Picasso.
82
00:05:23,978 --> 00:05:27,129
Make that two Picassos.
Write one down for yourself.
83
00:05:28,858 --> 00:05:29,973
Thanks, buddy.
84
00:05:30,178 --> 00:05:31,327
Hey.
85
00:05:31,538 --> 00:05:33,256
And speaking of objects de art...
86
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:37,167
...l'll see you at the Jiggly Room
on Saturday.
87
00:05:37,618 --> 00:05:40,212
l can't go. l'm on duty.
88
00:05:40,418 --> 00:05:41,851
What do you mean you can't go?
89
00:05:42,058 --> 00:05:45,255
lf you're not there,
we can't do the strip searches.
90
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:50,892
l know. But that stupid show COPS
is following me around.
91
00:05:51,098 --> 00:05:52,770
COPS?
92
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,491
You're gonna be on COPS?
93
00:05:54,698 --> 00:05:56,973
lt's my life's dream to be on COPS.
94
00:05:57,178 --> 00:05:59,772
But, Al, l work alone.
95
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:01,690
You lose three partners in a week...
96
00:06:01,898 --> 00:06:04,617
...and suddenly nobody wants
to ride with you.
97
00:06:05,378 --> 00:06:09,166
l do. See, every great cop
works with another guy.
98
00:06:09,378 --> 00:06:11,016
Starsky and Hutch, two guys.
99
00:06:11,218 --> 00:06:12,936
Jak e and the Fatman, two guys.
100
00:06:13,138 --> 00:06:15,652
Cagney & Lacey, two guys.
101
00:06:20,738 --> 00:06:21,932
-l don't know.
-Hey, Dan.
102
00:06:22,138 --> 00:06:26,529
Does the captain know you rent
the patrol car out for prom dates?
103
00:06:26,738 --> 00:06:28,490
Pick you up at 8.
104
00:06:29,938 --> 00:06:33,567
How did you develop
such a rich fantasy life?
105
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,690
How do you think?
106
00:06:48,578 --> 00:06:51,217
Gee, thanks for such a fun evening,
sister.
107
00:06:51,418 --> 00:06:54,296
l don't know Apostle Bingo
could be so exciting.
108
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:56,454
Well, tomorrow night we're going to
play...
109
00:06:56,658 --> 00:06:59,252
...the mother superior's favourite game.
110
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:01,767
What? Spin the Candle Stick?
111
00:07:01,978 --> 00:07:04,731
No. Messiah Mystery Date.
112
00:07:04,938 --> 00:07:09,614
Will he be a dud,
or will he rise again?
113
00:07:14,698 --> 00:07:17,371
Come on, sister,
l'll drive you back to your hotel.
114
00:07:17,578 --> 00:07:20,968
lf you're not home by midnight,
you might turn into a Protestant.
115
00:07:22,138 --> 00:07:26,768
That would never happen.
l am a Bride of Christ.
116
00:07:26,978 --> 00:07:30,414
Wow, that must have been
a fancy wedding.
117
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:34,610
She's not the brightest bead
on the rosary, is she?
118
00:07:38,818 --> 00:07:40,171
Oh, God.
119
00:07:40,378 --> 00:07:42,050
Thank God.
120
00:07:45,858 --> 00:07:49,055
-Oh, hi, sweetie.
-Hi, Mom.
121
00:07:49,258 --> 00:07:50,611
Hey, is something wrong?
122
00:07:51,898 --> 00:07:53,570
Well, you wanna talk about it?
123
00:07:54,658 --> 00:07:57,536
Oh, come on. Let's have
a little mother-daughter moment...
124
00:07:57,738 --> 00:08:00,093
...just like they do on TV.
125
00:08:00,498 --> 00:08:01,692
Thanks, Mom.
126
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,809
lt's really personal...
127
00:08:04,018 --> 00:08:05,497
...and it's kind of embarrassing.
128
00:08:05,698 --> 00:08:08,895
Oh, honey, you got your period.
129
00:08:10,898 --> 00:08:12,968
Mom, l'm 25.
130
00:08:13,178 --> 00:08:16,534
Well, don't be ashamed.
Every woman develops differently.
131
00:08:16,738 --> 00:08:18,888
You're just a late bloomer.
132
00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,895
Mom, it's not my period.
133
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:24,091
Well, don't worry. lt'll come.
l'm glad we had this talk.
134
00:08:24,298 --> 00:08:27,449
No, no, Mom. Wait, that's not it.
135
00:08:27,658 --> 00:08:29,250
Well, don't tell me you're pregnant.
136
00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:30,891
What would the neighbours think?
137
00:08:31,098 --> 00:08:33,737
Me, a grandmother at 35.
138
00:08:35,378 --> 00:08:38,017
Mars to Mom. l am not pregnant.
139
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,652
Well, honey, then what is it?
140
00:08:40,858 --> 00:08:42,052
Bulimia?
141
00:08:42,258 --> 00:08:44,135
Anorexia?
142
00:08:44,338 --> 00:08:46,806
You found out about Santa Clause?
143
00:08:47,578 --> 00:08:49,489
What about Santa?
144
00:08:50,258 --> 00:08:51,850
Oh, nothing.
145
00:08:52,538 --> 00:08:53,732
Okay.
146
00:08:53,938 --> 00:08:56,088
lt's about not having sex.
147
00:08:56,298 --> 00:08:59,335
Oh, my God, you got married.
148
00:09:03,018 --> 00:09:04,371
No, Mom.
149
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,808
lt's just that l'm having
a really hard time...
150
00:09:07,018 --> 00:09:09,168
...with that morals clause
l told you about.
151
00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:11,448
l miss boys.
152
00:09:11,658 --> 00:09:12,773
Well...
153
00:09:12,978 --> 00:09:16,095
...you know what Grandma Wanker
always said.
154
00:09:17,578 --> 00:09:19,569
Pass the gravy?
155
00:09:20,658 --> 00:09:21,886
No.
156
00:09:22,418 --> 00:09:24,568
You gonna eat that skin?
157
00:09:25,458 --> 00:09:26,413
No.
158
00:09:26,618 --> 00:09:30,691
But, actually, what's she's talking about
is chocolate.
159
00:09:30,898 --> 00:09:34,129
That's right. Whenever you feel
the urge, you just take two of these...
160
00:09:34,338 --> 00:09:36,932
...and call QVC in the morning.
161
00:09:37,138 --> 00:09:39,777
Thanks, Mom, but l think it's gonna be
a long time...
162
00:09:39,978 --> 00:09:42,617
...before l become that desperate.
163
00:09:47,418 --> 00:09:49,886
These bonbons are great.
164
00:09:50,338 --> 00:09:54,217
But you know, l can't get my leg
to stop twitching.
165
00:09:54,738 --> 00:09:56,330
Oh, you get used to that.
166
00:09:57,178 --> 00:09:58,372
Freeze, bitches.
167
00:10:03,338 --> 00:10:06,648
l haven't thought about men once,
l swear.
168
00:10:07,098 --> 00:10:11,728
Damn. l always get this place confused
with the crack house.
169
00:10:22,898 --> 00:10:25,776
Oh, baby.
170
00:10:25,978 --> 00:10:29,607
ls that a night stick
or are you just happy to see me?
171
00:10:30,938 --> 00:10:34,647
lt's a night stick, Peg,
and l'm not afraid to use it.
172
00:10:36,138 --> 00:10:39,175
Al, l thought we agreed
you weren't gonna carry a gun.
173
00:10:39,378 --> 00:10:42,370
Well, don't worry,
l know how to handle this thing.
174
00:10:44,218 --> 00:10:46,652
That's what he said
on our honeymoon.
175
00:10:50,098 --> 00:10:51,053
Let's ride.
176
00:10:57,018 --> 00:10:58,167
This is great.
177
00:10:59,378 --> 00:11:01,972
Car 54, where are you?
178
00:11:02,178 --> 00:11:05,056
Al, we're car 54.
179
00:11:05,978 --> 00:11:07,889
Hi. l'm Mike from COPS.
Nice to meet you.
180
00:11:08,098 --> 00:11:11,249
Just act natural
and pretend l'm not here.
181
00:11:19,058 --> 00:11:20,377
So why did you become a cop?
182
00:11:20,578 --> 00:11:23,490
lt's in the blood.
183
00:11:23,698 --> 00:11:26,974
My pop was a cop.
Top cop just like his pop.
184
00:11:27,178 --> 00:11:28,770
Grandpop. Both top cops.
185
00:11:29,978 --> 00:11:31,889
Make me stop.
186
00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:35,886
As a cop, you're a flop.
187
00:11:37,098 --> 00:11:39,817
So when did your partner
get shot in the head?
188
00:11:40,618 --> 00:11:43,086
ln about 30 seconds.
189
00:11:43,298 --> 00:11:47,007
Just like all good cops we start
every shift with an equipment check.
190
00:11:47,218 --> 00:11:50,574
Right. First, we check
to see if the safety's on.
191
00:11:53,458 --> 00:11:55,096
lt's not.
192
00:11:59,098 --> 00:12:02,135
Sometimes
we have to make an example.
193
00:12:02,338 --> 00:12:03,293
To who?
194
00:12:03,498 --> 00:12:06,808
The remaining two spotted owls
in this hemisphere?
195
00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:09,612
lt's kill or be killed.
196
00:12:10,418 --> 00:12:11,817
Let's ride.
197
00:12:15,258 --> 00:12:18,056
-Hey, Kel, how's it going?
-lt's going great.
198
00:12:18,258 --> 00:12:20,931
l haven't thought about men once.
199
00:12:27,258 --> 00:12:28,816
You know, Mom was a big help.
200
00:12:29,018 --> 00:12:31,691
She said all l have to do
is just channel my frustrations...
201
00:12:31,898 --> 00:12:33,616
...into arts and crafts.
202
00:12:33,818 --> 00:12:35,490
Finished.
203
00:12:37,698 --> 00:12:41,293
l call it Death of a Shoe Salesman.
204
00:12:42,898 --> 00:12:45,287
You're doing great, Kelly.
l really am proud of you.
205
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:46,453
Thanks, Bud.
206
00:12:47,178 --> 00:12:49,817
Hey, you been working out?
207
00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:02,536
Thank God.
208
00:13:05,458 --> 00:13:06,527
Sister Claire.
209
00:13:06,738 --> 00:13:09,491
l just dropped you off at the hotel.
What are you doing here?
210
00:13:09,698 --> 00:13:13,816
l was sitting in my hotel room
when l had a haunting vision of sin.
211
00:13:14,018 --> 00:13:16,248
You shouldn't have ordered
pay-per-view.
212
00:13:17,738 --> 00:13:21,526
l mean, l thought there might be
sinning going on here.
213
00:13:21,738 --> 00:13:24,127
Oh, what could make you
think such a thing?
214
00:13:24,338 --> 00:13:29,537
Oh, we make these
by the thousands at the convent.
215
00:13:29,818 --> 00:13:31,968
-May l?
-Oh, of course.
216
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:35,215
The Pope has one
of my space needles.
217
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,735
Excuse me, sister,
the meter's running.
218
00:13:38,938 --> 00:13:40,257
Do you want me to go or stay?
219
00:13:40,458 --> 00:13:42,130
-Stay.
-Go.
220
00:13:42,338 --> 00:13:44,374
Hi. l'm Kelly.
221
00:13:44,578 --> 00:13:46,136
And l'm off-duty.
222
00:13:46,338 --> 00:13:48,806
Please, this commercial
could mean national exposure.
223
00:13:49,018 --> 00:13:51,134
Oh, this is all the exposure l want.
224
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,966
Oh, my God.
225
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,817
Oh, no.
226
00:13:57,018 --> 00:13:59,657
Look, l made Stonehenge.
227
00:14:00,258 --> 00:14:05,207
Dear Lord, l thank thee for my talents,
which are considerable.
228
00:14:07,578 --> 00:14:09,330
And Lord...
229
00:14:09,858 --> 00:14:11,610
...bless these good, decent Bundys.
230
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:15,652
Lead them not into temptation
and deliver them from evil. Amen.
231
00:14:20,218 --> 00:14:21,890
Sinners.
232
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:24,176
No, sister, this isn't what you think.
233
00:14:24,378 --> 00:14:26,938
Hey, Bud, get your hands off of him.
l saw him first.
234
00:14:27,138 --> 00:14:29,527
Lady, you are fired.
235
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:33,208
Wait, sister, sister.
She's not my only client.
236
00:14:33,418 --> 00:14:35,409
Can you act?
And will you wear a dress?
237
00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:37,893
No and yes.
238
00:14:41,658 --> 00:14:44,775
l've seen more action
in a shoe store.
239
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,970
Not- Not-
Not that l work there.
240
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:49,738
No, l mean, l'm a cop
and a damn good one.
241
00:14:49,938 --> 00:14:54,329
Attention patrol car 54,
there's a 6-3-3 in progress.
242
00:14:54,538 --> 00:14:55,937
Finally.
243
00:14:56,138 --> 00:14:59,289
We're on it. Floor it, Danno.
244
00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:01,375
Wait. Wait. Wait.
245
00:15:01,578 --> 00:15:03,967
Let's be careful out there.
246
00:15:06,898 --> 00:15:10,288
Help. Help. Someone help.
247
00:15:13,458 --> 00:15:15,130
Help.
248
00:15:18,778 --> 00:15:21,338
Ma'am, what seems to be
the problem?
249
00:15:21,538 --> 00:15:24,098
lt's my Stanley. He's going to jump.
250
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:28,450
We've got a jumper.
Everybody stay calm.
251
00:15:29,818 --> 00:15:32,252
ls your husband depressed?
252
00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:34,972
l'll say. He's dead.
253
00:15:35,818 --> 00:15:38,537
We've got a dead man up a tree.
254
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:41,127
No. Stanley's my cat.
255
00:15:41,338 --> 00:15:43,169
A- A cat?
256
00:15:43,378 --> 00:15:46,051
l became a cop to rescue cats?
257
00:15:46,258 --> 00:15:48,328
Be careful. He's very high-strung.
258
00:15:48,538 --> 00:15:51,496
Ma'am, just step aside.
Let me handle this.
259
00:15:53,138 --> 00:15:54,332
Call for backup.
260
00:15:56,978 --> 00:15:58,491
Officer down. Call 911.
261
00:15:58,698 --> 00:16:00,450
Officer down. Officer down.
262
00:16:00,658 --> 00:16:04,970
Quit, Stanley.
Stop playing with that, it's dirty.
263
00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:07,407
Don't pull.
264
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,415
Don't pull.
265
00:16:14,578 --> 00:16:18,287
Man, how many doughnuts
can your partner eat?
266
00:16:19,658 --> 00:16:21,728
l think he's near his record.
267
00:16:21,938 --> 00:16:25,897
You can tell because the buttons
on his shirt are just about to pop.
268
00:16:26,098 --> 00:16:28,134
You might wanna take cover.
269
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:35,017
Man, talk about the ugly underbelly
of society.
270
00:16:35,658 --> 00:16:37,853
All right, that's it. l'm out of here.
271
00:16:38,058 --> 00:16:41,448
l haven't been on a shoot this lame
since COPS in Amish Country.
272
00:16:42,618 --> 00:16:44,609
You mean, l'm not gonna be
on COPS?
273
00:16:44,818 --> 00:16:46,695
Any available unit.
Burglary in progress...
274
00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:48,854
...at 9766 Jeopardy Lane.
275
00:16:49,978 --> 00:16:51,047
Hey, that's my neighbour.
276
00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:53,613
That must be that punk
who stole my bowling shirt.
277
00:16:55,658 --> 00:16:57,489
Aren't you gonna wait for your partner?
278
00:16:57,698 --> 00:17:00,053
lf you were in trouble,
would you want me to wait for him?
279
00:17:00,258 --> 00:17:02,613
You, specifically? Yeah.
280
00:17:03,618 --> 00:17:08,487
Strap yourself in, camera boy.
We're going for a ride.
281
00:17:33,978 --> 00:17:37,254
Hi. This is Jefferson.
282
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:38,527
And Marcy.
283
00:17:42,178 --> 00:17:45,409
Officer? Officer?
284
00:17:46,258 --> 00:17:47,930
Don't shoot.
285
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:50,288
We just saw the burglar
right next door.
286
00:17:50,498 --> 00:17:53,808
You mean he tied you up and
smeared you with marshmallow fluff?
287
00:17:54,018 --> 00:17:55,770
Oh, that is sick.
288
00:17:55,978 --> 00:17:57,457
Yeah.
289
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,167
The pervert.
290
00:18:05,178 --> 00:18:06,213
Al...
291
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:09,296
...is that you?
Why are you dressed-?
292
00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:18,136
She was hysterical.
Clearly needed to be subdued.
293
00:18:18,338 --> 00:18:22,092
Yeah, whatever you say, chief.
This is gonna look great on COPS.
294
00:18:22,298 --> 00:18:27,167
Wait a minute. You mean, l'm gonna be
on TV all covered in fluff?
295
00:18:30,218 --> 00:18:32,573
Our work here is done.
296
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,133
Let's go get that punk.
297
00:18:41,018 --> 00:18:46,490
Hey. Extra extra virgin olive oil
now available virgin-free.
298
00:18:46,698 --> 00:18:49,371
Take some home tonight.
299
00:18:49,578 --> 00:18:52,251
This is Sodom and Gomorrah.
300
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,496
And l am not hiring
any of your harlot clients.
301
00:18:56,098 --> 00:18:57,577
Hey.
302
00:18:57,778 --> 00:19:00,690
Hey, Tina Yothers is not a harlot.
303
00:19:01,578 --> 00:19:04,456
She was the best thing
on Family Ties.
304
00:19:04,658 --> 00:19:07,252
l preferred Skippy.
305
00:19:08,578 --> 00:19:11,775
Young man, l insist you take me
back to my hotel.
306
00:19:11,978 --> 00:19:15,050
Thanks, but you're not my type.
307
00:19:15,258 --> 00:19:17,931
Caught you, you dirt bag.
308
00:19:18,698 --> 00:19:22,247
Give me back my bowling shirt.
309
00:19:22,458 --> 00:19:25,177
Mike, you getting this?
This is my good side.
310
00:19:25,378 --> 00:19:27,972
Are you kidding? Nuns in an orgy.
311
00:19:28,178 --> 00:19:31,488
Do you have any idea
what Hard Copy will pay for this?
312
00:19:33,418 --> 00:19:35,727
There he is, officer. Arrest him.
313
00:19:35,938 --> 00:19:39,328
-Yeah, book him.
-No, not him. Him.
314
00:19:39,538 --> 00:19:42,450
He destroyed my home,
he shot my cuckoo...
315
00:19:42,658 --> 00:19:44,296
...and he's not even a real cop.
316
00:19:44,498 --> 00:19:45,931
Or a real father.
317
00:19:46,138 --> 00:19:47,491
Or much of a host.
318
00:19:47,698 --> 00:19:49,097
Or very photogenic.
319
00:19:49,298 --> 00:19:52,415
Doesn't it mean anything that
l apprehended this vicious criminal?
320
00:19:52,618 --> 00:19:56,657
Yeah. lt means, that you're going
away for impersonating an officer.
321
00:20:00,218 --> 00:20:03,813
-l hope you fry.
-Back at you.
322
00:20:07,218 --> 00:20:09,891
-Officer, can l have a ride?
-Wait, wait, sister.
323
00:20:10,098 --> 00:20:12,089
l just thought
of the most brilliant idea.
324
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,448
l have the perfect client
for your olive oil.
325
00:20:14,658 --> 00:20:17,730
-That's what you said before.
-No. This time, l'm telling the truth.
326
00:20:17,938 --> 00:20:20,133
l mean, she's beautiful,
her schedule is open.
327
00:20:20,338 --> 00:20:23,648
And l promise you complete
and total abstinence.
328
00:20:24,218 --> 00:20:28,257
So use Extra extra virgin olive oil.
329
00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:32,610
lt's 100 percent pure. Like me.
330
00:20:33,698 --> 00:20:35,495
l can't believe it. You were right.
331
00:20:35,698 --> 00:20:37,689
She is perfect.
332
00:20:37,898 --> 00:20:38,887
So the deal's still on?
333
00:20:39,098 --> 00:20:40,736
Absolutely.
334
00:20:44,298 --> 00:20:46,254
Next.
335
00:20:46,938 --> 00:20:47,927
Ma.
336
00:21:01,938 --> 00:21:03,815
What kind of agent are you?
337
00:21:04,018 --> 00:21:07,055
That commercial was perfect for me
and you sent in your mother?
338
00:21:08,658 --> 00:21:11,331
Tina, baby, l got bigger plans for you.
339
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,688
Right, like that last great job
you got me...
340
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:16,935
...playing Pebbles
in Flintstones in the Park?
341
00:21:18,298 --> 00:21:20,493
Well, you said you wanted to return
to the stage?
342
00:21:20,698 --> 00:21:23,371
That was a lame gig.
lt rained all week.
343
00:21:23,578 --> 00:21:27,127
And that bitch Dino
kept trying to upstage me.
344
00:21:28,378 --> 00:21:30,972
l've had it with you. You're fired.
345
00:21:32,738 --> 00:21:35,411
Tina, l thought
you were happy with me?
346
00:21:36,498 --> 00:21:39,649
Bud, l'm sure this isn't the first time
you've heard this.
347
00:21:39,858 --> 00:21:41,735
l faked it.1
00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:21,725
Any mail for me?
2
00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:25,445
Oh, come on, Bud.
You know Newsgeek comes tomorrow.
3
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,129
Then what's behind your back?
4
00:00:27,930 --> 00:00:29,522
Couch.
5
00:00:31,290 --> 00:00:34,760
-Did we get a cereal sample?
-No.
6
00:00:34,970 --> 00:00:37,962
-Then why do l smell riboflavin?
-Oh, come on, Bud, it's mine.
7
00:00:38,170 --> 00:00:42,322
-You got the last sample.
-That was a bottle of Midol.
8
00:00:42,530 --> 00:00:45,044
-Well, you look a lot less bloated.
-Just give me that.
9
00:00:45,250 --> 00:00:46,444
Oh, look what you did.
10
00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:54,645
Kids, we have an emergency.
11
00:00:54,850 --> 00:00:56,761
An emergency? What is it?
12
00:00:56,970 --> 00:00:59,643
An unforeseen circumstance
that calls for immediate action.
13
00:00:59,850 --> 00:01:01,249
That's not the point right now.
14
00:01:01,450 --> 00:01:04,806
Come on!
The love of my life's in trouble.
15
00:01:05,010 --> 00:01:07,046
Oh, my God.
Something's wrong with Mom.
16
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:10,606
No, you idiot. lt's the Dodge. Hurry.
17
00:01:49,130 --> 00:01:52,281
Bud, eight quarts of antifreeze, stat.
18
00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:57,324
Kelly, less suction.
19
00:01:58,330 --> 00:02:00,525
Bet you haven't heard that
in a while.
20
00:02:03,930 --> 00:02:06,524
l'm gonna hook up the scope.
21
00:02:08,890 --> 00:02:11,768
Oh, damn. The pressure's low.
22
00:02:11,970 --> 00:02:14,689
Bud, 3-quarter-inch socket wrench.
23
00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:18,719
l said 3-quarter.
Stay with me here or get out of my way.
24
00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:22,802
Kelly, try to start the car.
25
00:02:25,050 --> 00:02:26,802
Bud, cables.
26
00:02:30,170 --> 00:02:31,285
Clear.
27
00:02:34,490 --> 00:02:36,003
Nothing, Dad.
28
00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:39,043
Again! Clear!
29
00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:45,645
-Damn!
-Nothing.
30
00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:48,922
-Maybe we should call it, Dad.
-Bud we can't. l'm gonna open her up.
31
00:02:49,130 --> 00:02:51,007
Open-gasket massage?
32
00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:55,362
-lt's a risk, but we have no choice.
-But, Dad, you've never done it before.
33
00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:59,006
l know, l know.
But l observed it once at Pep Boys.
34
00:03:26,050 --> 00:03:30,840
-All right. She's holding her own.
-Just like you, Bud.
35
00:03:32,810 --> 00:03:35,563
But we need to get a specialist
over here. Bud, call Detroit.
36
00:03:35,770 --> 00:03:37,169
lt's gonna cost a ton of money.
37
00:03:37,370 --> 00:03:39,884
Well, then we'll have to dip
into the college fund.
38
00:03:40,090 --> 00:03:42,445
Oh, we had a college fund?
39
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,881
l just graduated.
40
00:03:45,090 --> 00:03:48,048
Well, then you won't be needing any,
will you?
41
00:03:54,090 --> 00:03:56,126
There, there.
42
00:03:56,890 --> 00:03:58,369
You'll be okay.
43
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:02,562
That's it. That's it. You cough it up.
44
00:04:14,490 --> 00:04:16,799
l'll just empty this out.
45
00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:21,683
Hey, you want to watch some TV?
They're showing monster trucks.
46
00:04:22,370 --> 00:04:25,168
Hi, Al. How's she doing?
47
00:04:25,370 --> 00:04:29,648
She's idling on life support, Peg.
She's in a coma.
48
00:04:31,050 --> 00:04:36,920
Al, you need to get some rest,
or help of some kind.
49
00:04:37,370 --> 00:04:40,726
Peg, you don't understand the bond
between a guy and his car.
50
00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,045
lt's sacred.
51
00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:45,128
Well, you mean kind of like the bond
between a husband and wife?
52
00:04:45,330 --> 00:04:48,128
Don't trivialize it, Peg.
53
00:04:48,970 --> 00:04:52,201
This was my first car.
This is part of my youth.
54
00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:56,085
Yeah, and like your youth,
it should be long gone.
55
00:04:56,330 --> 00:05:00,164
All right, Peg. Let me put this
into words that you'll understand.
56
00:05:00,370 --> 00:05:02,486
You remember your first couch?
57
00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:07,846
l still miss it.
58
00:05:08,770 --> 00:05:10,806
Well, that's how l feel about this car.
59
00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:15,003
Me and my dad had our best days
working on it.
60
00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:19,843
l can't believe
you bought this piece of junk.
61
00:05:20,050 --> 00:05:22,120
Hand me that screwdriver.
62
00:05:25,570 --> 00:05:27,606
Not this one.
63
00:05:28,770 --> 00:05:30,886
The one with ice in it.
64
00:05:35,650 --> 00:05:37,527
How are you gonna pay
for this scrapheap?
65
00:05:37,730 --> 00:05:41,962
l got a job down
at that ladies' shoe store.
66
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:46,842
You're gonna sell ladies' shoes?
What are you, a fruit?
67
00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:50,243
Oh, Dad, it's just for the summer.
68
00:05:52,170 --> 00:05:54,400
Hey, is the car gonna be ready
tonight?
69
00:05:54,610 --> 00:05:57,204
Well, it will if you shut up
and hand me that screwdriver.
70
00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:03,685
Which one, Dad?
71
00:06:04,290 --> 00:06:06,520
Which one do you think?
72
00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:09,925
l can't fix a car with a drink.
73
00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:12,402
Well, anyway, that's good...
74
00:06:12,610 --> 00:06:16,967
...because l'm taking my date to the
Rolling Stones farewell concert tonight.
75
00:06:17,850 --> 00:06:20,728
Long-haired limey fruits.
76
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:26,802
Yeah, but she wants to go and
she's the grooviest chick in school.
77
00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,166
Peggy Wanker.
78
00:06:31,130 --> 00:06:34,122
Be careful, son.
Don't let her get her hooks into you.
79
00:06:34,330 --> 00:06:35,888
Don't worry about me, Dad.
80
00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:38,206
Peggy would never stand
in the way of my dream.
81
00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:41,607
She worships the ground
that l walk on.
82
00:06:42,730 --> 00:06:46,245
The best part is
she really listens to me.
83
00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:54,322
Are you listening to me, Peg? Peg?
84
00:06:54,530 --> 00:06:58,239
Oh, yeah. Oh, great story, Al.
85
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,360
-Mr. Bundy?
-Yes?
86
00:07:01,570 --> 00:07:03,208
l'm Dr. Fisher, the specialist.
87
00:07:03,410 --> 00:07:06,083
Oh, thank God you're here, doctor.
88
00:07:06,330 --> 00:07:08,286
-Doctor?
-Yes, ma'am.
89
00:07:08,490 --> 00:07:11,846
Doctor of automotive engineering,
Quaker State.
90
00:07:14,610 --> 00:07:15,929
l'll need to see her chart.
91
00:07:16,130 --> 00:07:20,726
Oh, yeah. See, here.
Her air-to-fuel ratio is 180 over 90.
92
00:07:21,770 --> 00:07:26,286
-That's a little high.
-ls she going to be all right, doctor?
93
00:07:26,490 --> 00:07:29,050
Yes, l'm sure she'll be fine.
94
00:07:33,850 --> 00:07:35,681
Oh, dear God.
95
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:39,405
-What? What?
-lt's exactly what l feared, Mr. Bundy.
96
00:07:39,610 --> 00:07:40,565
The fuel pump.
97
00:07:42,770 --> 00:07:43,725
What have you fed her?
98
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:46,490
She has the hoses of a car
with twice her mileage.
99
00:07:46,690 --> 00:07:50,524
Well, l didn't always buy her
the best gas when she was young.
100
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,044
Don't blame yourself.
101
00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:55,799
lf we only knew then
what we know now about octane.
102
00:07:58,730 --> 00:08:02,518
Oh, well. Look, the bottom line
is you need a transplant.
103
00:08:02,730 --> 00:08:04,163
A whole new pump.
104
00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:06,440
That's not all he needs.
105
00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:11,643
Now, unfortunately, finding a donor
pump will be nearly impossible.
106
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:16,207
Oh, yeah? lf it was Larry Hagman's car,
you'd find a donor pump.
107
00:08:16,890 --> 00:08:19,927
You should realise that these parts
are worth a lot of money.
108
00:08:21,890 --> 00:08:22,925
Be reasonable, Al.
109
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:25,803
There are lots of other Dodges
out there suffering.
110
00:08:26,010 --> 00:08:28,729
Mr. Bundy, l know this is difficult...
111
00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:32,843
...but we should harvest these parts
now while they're still lubricated.
112
00:08:33,050 --> 00:08:34,768
Are you nuts?
113
00:08:35,370 --> 00:08:40,490
You're not a doctor, you're a butcher.
Get out of here, you Jiffy Lube reject.
114
00:08:40,690 --> 00:08:44,922
Yeah. Get out of here, you oink.
115
00:08:45,850 --> 00:08:48,762
-Quack.
-Moo!
116
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:51,441
Woof! This is fun. Meow!
117
00:08:51,650 --> 00:08:53,800
Kids, kids, kids.
118
00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:57,764
Now, Daddy needs a part for his car
and you're gonna help him get it.
119
00:08:57,970 --> 00:08:59,244
Now, are you with me?
120
00:08:59,450 --> 00:09:01,725
-Oh, l'm so tired.
-How long have you known us?
121
00:09:01,930 --> 00:09:05,127
l'll take that for a yes,
but don't fake it, because l can tell.
122
00:09:05,690 --> 00:09:07,760
Sure you can, Al.
123
00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:12,084
Don't you worry, sweetheart.
124
00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:15,721
Whatever's wrong with you,
Daddy's gonna fix.
125
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:24,526
She can't keep anything down, Peg.
126
00:09:27,050 --> 00:09:30,838
Son, did you find my fuel pump yet?
127
00:09:31,050 --> 00:09:34,520
No. l've surfed the lnternet all night.
l still can't find anything.
128
00:09:34,730 --> 00:09:38,564
What are you doing with a picture of
Pamela Lee naked on a Slip 'n Slide?
129
00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:43,521
Nothing, yet.
130
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:47,928
Keep working.
131
00:09:54,930 --> 00:09:57,319
Well, Al,
according to these magazines...
132
00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:02,399
...all the cars like yours have
either been recalled or exploded.
133
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,568
Oh, but don't worry.
Kelly's combing the classifieds.
134
00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,328
No luck, yet, Daddy.
135
00:10:15,930 --> 00:10:18,524
You know, family,
l've gotta tell you...
136
00:10:18,730 --> 00:10:22,484
...l'm really touched by the fact that
you stayed with me through this crisis.
137
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:25,329
l mean, we've pulled together,
and gosh darn it...
138
00:10:25,530 --> 00:10:29,489
...l just got to say,
you're like family to me.
139
00:10:29,690 --> 00:10:33,239
-Oh, Al-
-Don't touch me, though.
140
00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:36,720
Hey, do l smell gas?
141
00:10:36,930 --> 00:10:39,000
-lt was the dog.
-lt was the dog.
142
00:10:42,210 --> 00:10:44,644
No, l meant the car.
143
00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:46,769
Her hoses must be haemorrhaging.
144
00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:50,763
He's gone.
145
00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:56,247
Okay.
What are your bids on the carburettor?
146
00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:59,522
Okay. A Dodge collector in Toledo
will offer us 200.
147
00:10:59,730 --> 00:11:04,008
Oh, wait a second, wait a second.
Vancouver will offer us 250.
148
00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:06,599
l don't think so.
Hold on one second, please.
149
00:11:06,810 --> 00:11:11,326
This idiot in Zurich offered to buy
the pistons for 1000 francs.
150
00:11:11,530 --> 00:11:16,081
As if. l mean,
where would we get the buns? Hello?
151
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:27,487
Will he throw in some baked beans,
Kel?
152
00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:31,242
Good thinking. l'll check.
We want beans...
153
00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:36,126
Oh, Bud, when your father and l die,
you'll watch after her, won't you?
154
00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:41,041
Mom, l'll have my own wife and kids
to think about then.
155
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:43,684
Oh, yeah.
156
00:11:47,370 --> 00:11:49,645
Hey, Dad's coming!
157
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:57,400
Well, l've got her stabilized,
but she's lost a lot of fuel.
158
00:11:57,610 --> 00:12:01,319
Oh, God, l don't know
what l'm gonna do without her.
159
00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:03,805
Get to places on time?
160
00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:06,570
Oh, Peg, how can you say
a thing like that?
161
00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:10,809
Don't you remember the good times
we had in that car?
162
00:12:18,050 --> 00:12:22,646
Oh, Al. That was incredible.
163
00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:25,159
Peggy, you drive me wild.
164
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:28,919
-l could go all night long.
-Oh, Al.
165
00:12:29,130 --> 00:12:33,169
You're better than
the whole football team combined.
166
00:12:33,690 --> 00:12:36,124
Not that l'd know.
167
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:41,918
-Hey. Chocolates?
-Oh, no. l hate candy.
168
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,159
You know, Al,
you were really amazing tonight.
169
00:12:45,370 --> 00:12:48,043
l mean, four touchdowns
in a single game.
170
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:51,287
Oh, babe, that's no big deal.
171
00:12:51,490 --> 00:12:55,449
l mean, it's not like it's gonna be
the highlight of my life or anything.
172
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:02,888
Oh, l know, honey.
Sky's the limit for you, and me too.
173
00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:06,924
Well, you know, today, while
l was napping in my Home Ec class...
174
00:13:07,130 --> 00:13:10,884
...l had the greatest idea for
a way people could shop at home...
175
00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:13,360
...using the television.
176
00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:20,609
Oh, babe. That's an even sillier idea
than your phone-without-a-cord thing.
177
00:13:20,810 --> 00:13:22,562
Peg, don't you worry.
178
00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:26,046
A girl as pretty as you are
will never have to work.
179
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:31,165
Oh, Al, you are so far out.
180
00:13:31,370 --> 00:13:34,282
And you are foxy.
181
00:13:34,570 --> 00:13:36,481
-Again?
-Hey.
182
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:40,524
-Four is my new lucky number, baby.
-Oh, right.
183
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:43,369
And my backfield's in motion.
184
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:51,602
Obviously, you don't remember
what else happened that night.
185
00:13:51,810 --> 00:13:53,323
No.
186
00:13:54,450 --> 00:13:56,088
-Oh, Al.
-Oh, Peg.
187
00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:58,485
Oh, Al.
188
00:13:59,050 --> 00:14:02,167
-What?
-l think it broke.
189
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,965
Oh, my God.
How could that have happened?
190
00:14:06,170 --> 00:14:07,967
l don't know.
191
00:14:08,170 --> 00:14:10,604
lt worked before.
192
00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:14,208
You used the same one?
193
00:14:14,410 --> 00:14:17,004
Hey, they're expensive.
194
00:14:17,530 --> 00:14:19,327
Al, this is terrible.
195
00:14:19,530 --> 00:14:23,762
You're telling me.
Now l'm gonna have to buy a new one.
196
00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:33,006
You know, Peg, my dad was right.
You really did get your hooks into me.
197
00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:35,246
Oh, right, Al.
198
00:14:35,450 --> 00:14:39,602
l trapped you
so l could have all this.
199
00:14:40,850 --> 00:14:43,603
Oh, wait a minute, now.
200
00:14:53,930 --> 00:14:56,000
Hey, l'm sorry to hear about the car.
201
00:14:56,210 --> 00:15:00,601
All the guys chipped in
and we got you this.
202
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:06,168
Hey, an air freshener.
l'll hang it on her rear-view mirror.
203
00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:09,089
Well, actually, you should hang it
around your neck.
204
00:15:09,610 --> 00:15:11,965
We got this for the car.
205
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:14,008
l'm sure she'll love them.
206
00:15:14,210 --> 00:15:18,328
Look, Al, God forbid,
she doesn't make it...
207
00:15:18,530 --> 00:15:20,964
...the important thing is
you get back on the horse.
208
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,364
Well, thanks, Jefferson...
209
00:15:22,570 --> 00:15:25,368
...but how's sex with my wife
gonna make me feel any better?
210
00:15:27,450 --> 00:15:32,126
You know, Al. l mean,
you should go out and buy a new car.
211
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:35,402
l don't need a new car, because
l'm gonna find the part to this one.
212
00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:39,000
There's a rumour that
the fuel pump you need is in Cuba.
213
00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:40,768
Good luck getting it out of there.
214
00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:45,600
Damn Castro. Damn Khrushchev.
Damn Steve Allen.
215
00:15:47,410 --> 00:15:50,163
Dad,
what's Steve Allen got to do with it?
216
00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:53,009
Nothing. l just hate him.
217
00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:58,680
Oh, Cuba.
218
00:15:58,890 --> 00:16:01,882
Sultry, seductive Cuba.
219
00:16:02,090 --> 00:16:05,878
Where the jungles are friendly
and the women are easy to hide in.
220
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,559
-Or was it the other way around?
-Listen, thanks, buddy, for stopping by.
221
00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:13,488
l don't know how l can repay you.
222
00:16:13,690 --> 00:16:16,727
Just keep wearing the air freshener.
Thanks.
223
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:22,205
Dad, give it up.
The car's a lost cause.
224
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:25,800
So's my family,
but you don't see me giving up on you.
225
00:16:26,450 --> 00:16:30,284
That Dodge is
part of the Bundy family history.
226
00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:37,559
Oh, Bud, my little man.
The boy l always wanted, Peg.
227
00:16:37,770 --> 00:16:40,045
Now, Al, you're gonna hurt
little Kelly's feelings.
228
00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:44,559
You know, Phil Donahue says
that if a father ignores his daughter...
229
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:49,082
...she could develop
an abnormal craving for male attention.
230
00:16:50,890 --> 00:16:54,121
Phil Donahue is full of crap.
231
00:16:55,490 --> 00:16:59,449
Mommy, Daddy,
Bud's touching himself.
232
00:17:02,210 --> 00:17:04,087
Oh, don't worry about that, Kelly.
233
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:07,327
That's just a phase he's going through.
He'll grow out of it.
234
00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:12,285
Why don't you give him one of your
rubber dollies to play with instead?
235
00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:16,319
Yeah, l don't know if
that's such a good idea, Peg.
236
00:17:16,690 --> 00:17:18,362
Oh, come on, Al.
237
00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:22,848
You and your gender stereotypes.
What difference does it make?
238
00:17:23,050 --> 00:17:24,881
You're right.
239
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:29,241
Mommy, Daddy, did you know...
240
00:17:29,450 --> 00:17:35,002
...the possums are the only indigenous
marsupial to North America?
241
00:17:37,410 --> 00:17:39,844
Gee, that's great, sweetheart.
242
00:17:40,890 --> 00:17:43,643
What the hell did she just say?
243
00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:45,729
l don't know.
244
00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:48,046
You know,
l'm kind of worried about her, Al.
245
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:51,879
You ever notice how she's always
got her head buried in a book?
246
00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:55,960
Yeah, she's not like us, is she, Peg?
247
00:17:56,170 --> 00:17:58,047
Of course, on the bright side,
you know...
248
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,366
...she'll grow up and go to college...
249
00:18:00,570 --> 00:18:04,563
...get a great job
and support us in our old age.
250
00:18:05,690 --> 00:18:06,759
Al, look out.
251
00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:11,443
Damn Japanese cars.
252
00:18:11,850 --> 00:18:16,605
So small, you can't even see them.
They'll never catch on.
253
00:18:19,410 --> 00:18:21,446
Kelly, are you all right?
254
00:18:28,330 --> 00:18:32,642
Look! Shiny, shiny shoes.
255
00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:43,523
You see? That car's been with us
in good times and bad times.
256
00:18:43,730 --> 00:18:46,164
And when are we getting
to the good times?
257
00:18:46,370 --> 00:18:48,930
When you're on life support.
258
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:53,883
She needs her brake fluid.
259
00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:59,520
Okay. Unbelievable.
260
00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:03,245
A collector in Dusseldorf will give us
five grand for the entire engine.
261
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:06,010
Forget it. Dad will never take the car
off life support.
262
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:09,361
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Tell Gunther he's got a deal.
263
00:19:18,850 --> 00:19:19,919
She's still running hot.
264
00:19:21,930 --> 00:19:24,683
Well, this will cool you down now.
265
00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:30,487
Al. Honey,
this is no kind of life for her.
266
00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:32,282
Let her die with dignity.
267
00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:34,128
Peg, that is not up to us.
268
00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:38,528
That is up to the man upstairs
and maybe Lee lacocca.
269
00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:40,681
Now, look, Al.
l am going to say this...
270
00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:44,360
...in the most supportive
and loving way that l possibly can.
271
00:19:44,570 --> 00:19:47,130
You are insane
and l am killing this car.
272
00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:50,402
Never. Never.
273
00:19:55,330 --> 00:19:58,128
No, don't leave me alone.
274
00:19:58,890 --> 00:20:02,803
l hope you're happy, Peg. She's gone.
Her oil is on your hands.
275
00:20:03,010 --> 00:20:04,966
Her oil is all over town.
276
00:20:05,890 --> 00:20:11,203
Oh, why couldn't it have been me
or you?
277
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,640
Oh, honey, let it go.
278
00:20:13,850 --> 00:20:16,967
Yeah, Dad. You did all you could.
279
00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:20,447
Hey, l know we're supposed to be sad,
but l can't cry.
280
00:20:20,650 --> 00:20:22,402
What should l do?
281
00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:24,760
Just pull a nose hair.
282
00:20:27,650 --> 00:20:29,402
Well, you said to pull a nose hair.
283
00:20:30,570 --> 00:20:35,166
Oh, no, son. No, no, no.
284
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:40,643
She's in a better place now, son.
285
00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:42,408
What, a German chop shop?
286
00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:47,525
No. Daddy's Dodge is in
that big parking structure in the sky.
287
00:20:47,730 --> 00:20:52,201
Where the gas flows free
and the traffic lights are always green.
288
00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:54,526
l'm sorry, Dad.
289
00:20:54,850 --> 00:20:58,399
-Yeah. We love you, Daddy.
-That's all right, kid.
290
00:20:58,610 --> 00:21:00,123
Just give me a moment.
291
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:04,323
All right, Al. But, you know,
we're here if you need us.
292
00:21:20,170 --> 00:21:22,968
Drive towards the light, old friend.
293
00:21:24,330 --> 00:21:25,843
Drive towards the light.1
00:00:02,055 --> 00:00:05,843
Last time on Married with Children,
there was a death in the family.
2
00:00:06,055 --> 00:00:07,807
Clear!
3
00:00:11,255 --> 00:00:14,884
lt's exactly what l feared, Mr. Bundy.
The fuel pump.
4
00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:18,252
Now, unfortunately,
finding a donor pump...
5
00:00:18,455 --> 00:00:20,764
...will be nearly impossible.
6
00:00:20,975 --> 00:00:24,729
There's a rumour that
the fuel pump you need is in Cuba.
7
00:00:25,695 --> 00:00:27,811
Cuba.
8
00:00:28,015 --> 00:00:31,212
Sultry, seductive Cuba.
9
00:00:31,455 --> 00:00:32,649
Unbelievable.
10
00:00:32,895 --> 00:00:37,093
A collector in Dusseldorf will give us
5 grand for the entire engine.
11
00:00:38,095 --> 00:00:41,610
Oh, no, don't leave me alone.
12
00:00:42,135 --> 00:00:44,888
Drive towards the light, old friend.
13
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,530
Drive towards the light.
14
00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:33,886
Nice turnout, isn't it, Peg?
15
00:01:34,575 --> 00:01:39,603
Well, it's not every day the village idiot
buries his car in the backyard.
16
00:01:46,735 --> 00:01:49,966
l can't believe
we're actually in mourning.
17
00:01:50,335 --> 00:01:54,647
Well, l don't know about you,
but over here it's 3:00 in the afternoon.
18
00:01:57,135 --> 00:01:59,046
Marcy, you're here.
19
00:01:59,255 --> 00:02:00,290
l'm touched.
20
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,134
Well, l'm just glad that eyesore
is finally gone.
21
00:02:03,335 --> 00:02:07,169
Now, if we can just find
someplace to bury your house.
22
00:02:07,535 --> 00:02:10,891
How about the same place
l'm about to bury my foot?
23
00:02:11,495 --> 00:02:13,884
You know, Al, my Mercedes
sends her sympathy.
24
00:02:14,095 --> 00:02:19,010
She wanted to come, but the Bergmans'
Volvo is having a bar mitzvah.
25
00:02:20,695 --> 00:02:24,608
Al, we've had some
great times in this car.
26
00:02:25,015 --> 00:02:29,293
l think my favourite was the time
we tried to run down my ex-wife.
27
00:02:31,095 --> 00:02:34,724
She outran us,
but the Dodge gave it her best shot.
28
00:02:35,775 --> 00:02:38,130
Mrs. Peg Bundy
would now like to say a few words.
29
00:02:38,335 --> 00:02:40,974
Thank you, Peg.
30
00:02:41,975 --> 00:02:46,127
My husband is a moron. Thank you.
31
00:02:47,615 --> 00:02:50,527
That was beautiful, Mama, really.
32
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:53,693
See how you do
when Oprah checks out.
33
00:02:59,695 --> 00:03:04,849
Twenty-five years ago, a young man
of endless promise was going places.
34
00:03:06,255 --> 00:03:09,088
All he needed
was a way to get there.
35
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:13,289
He found it on a used-car lot
on Route 12.
36
00:03:13,855 --> 00:03:17,609
And through the years, the journey
had some unexpected turns...
37
00:03:17,815 --> 00:03:20,613
...and some unwanted passengers.
38
00:03:22,775 --> 00:03:26,211
There are several kinds of love.
39
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:29,293
One kind of love begins with...
40
00:03:29,895 --> 00:03:32,284
...misplaced lust.
41
00:03:32,935 --> 00:03:38,168
And degenerates into a raging hell
of misery and despair.
42
00:03:41,935 --> 00:03:43,971
But l digress.
43
00:03:45,095 --> 00:03:47,973
Then there's the kind of love
that only turns on when asked...
44
00:03:48,175 --> 00:03:50,325
...and performs beautifully.
45
00:03:50,575 --> 00:03:55,330
The kind of love that makes you
feel young when you go for a ride.
46
00:03:56,935 --> 00:04:01,645
Farewell, my sweet chariot of youth.
47
00:04:10,455 --> 00:04:14,494
Don't you think throwing dirt
on the Dodge is a bit redundant?
48
00:04:20,935 --> 00:04:24,484
Why? Why? Why?
49
00:04:34,855 --> 00:04:36,686
Hi, Peg.
50
00:04:41,855 --> 00:04:43,891
l'm gonna plant these on her grave.
51
00:04:44,135 --> 00:04:46,205
You never bring me flowers.
52
00:04:46,455 --> 00:04:48,525
l would if you died.
53
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,929
Hello? Oh, Gunther.
54
00:04:58,135 --> 00:05:01,571
Look, l told you for the last time,
l can't get you that engine.
55
00:05:01,775 --> 00:05:06,053
Yeah, the dummkopf buried it
in the backyard two days ago.
56
00:05:06,495 --> 00:05:11,046
Ten thousand dollars?
On Monday? Deal.
57
00:05:11,375 --> 00:05:14,526
Oh, l gotta go. Auf Wiener schnitzel.
58
00:05:15,095 --> 00:05:17,404
Hey, l want a car that talks.
59
00:05:17,615 --> 00:05:20,254
Look, this one knows 20 words.
60
00:05:20,455 --> 00:05:22,685
That's 10 more than you, Kel.
61
00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:28,246
That's not true, Bud Bundy,
you stupid little...
62
00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:31,170
...pervert.
63
00:05:32,975 --> 00:05:35,648
Dad, you should see
some of these new cars in here.
64
00:05:35,855 --> 00:05:37,811
Ghouls.
65
00:05:38,935 --> 00:05:41,972
Can't you at least wait
until the body is cold?
66
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,369
Come on, Daddy.
67
00:05:43,575 --> 00:05:46,135
Don't you think the Dodge
would want you to be happy?
68
00:05:46,335 --> 00:05:47,370
Yeah, Dad.
69
00:05:47,575 --> 00:05:50,692
l mean, she'd want you to get out there
and see other cars.
70
00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:54,371
Yeah, Al. You know, if l died,
l'd want you to remarry.
71
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:57,766
Yeah, like l'm gonna
make that mistake twice.
72
00:05:59,215 --> 00:06:01,410
Besides, we can't afford a new car.
73
00:06:01,655 --> 00:06:03,566
Oh, that's not necessarily true, Dad.
74
00:06:03,775 --> 00:06:06,573
l took liberty of giving your records
to a financial advisor.
75
00:06:06,775 --> 00:06:11,724
Now, Bud, you know l don't like people
poking around into my private stuff.
76
00:06:12,215 --> 00:06:16,652
Boy, if l had a nickel for every time
l've heard you say that.
77
00:06:18,495 --> 00:06:19,644
Dad, don't worry.
78
00:06:19,855 --> 00:06:23,211
l gave them to someone
who has your best interest at heart.
79
00:06:23,935 --> 00:06:25,653
Hi, everybody.
80
00:06:28,095 --> 00:06:31,974
Well, Al, l've gone through
your financial records...
81
00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:35,850
...and on behalf of the entire
banking profession, let me just say:
82
00:06:41,295 --> 00:06:44,526
Well, l'm glad l was able to give
your banking buddies a good laugh.
83
00:06:44,775 --> 00:06:49,053
Not just bankers, Al. Everybody down
at the supermarket and the car wash...
84
00:06:49,255 --> 00:06:51,815
...even the homeless guy
that lives on the corner.
85
00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:53,846
Oh, that reminds me.
86
00:06:54,055 --> 00:06:56,649
Sad Willie wanted you to have this.
87
00:06:57,775 --> 00:07:00,050
But don't worry, Al,
l've crunched the numbers...
88
00:07:00,255 --> 00:07:04,885
...and l think l've come up with the
best means of transportation for you.
89
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:17,647
You missed me, you missed me
90
00:07:23,855 --> 00:07:26,813
I got you, I got you
91
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:30,288
How dare she tell us
what we can or cannot afford.
92
00:07:30,495 --> 00:07:34,613
lt is my God-given American right
to rack up as much debt as possible.
93
00:07:34,815 --> 00:07:36,806
Kids, to the auto mall.
94
00:07:38,975 --> 00:07:41,808
Now, kids, stand back
and watch the old man work.
95
00:07:42,015 --> 00:07:44,973
You know,
sales is the ultimate duel of wits.
96
00:07:45,175 --> 00:07:46,528
Dad's dead.
97
00:07:46,775 --> 00:07:48,367
Howdy. l'm Cal.
98
00:07:48,575 --> 00:07:49,928
Hi, Cal. l'm Al.
99
00:07:50,135 --> 00:07:53,730
Listen, Cal, before you start
your dog-and-pony show...
100
00:07:53,935 --> 00:07:58,372
...you should know that l've been
in ladies' shoes for well over 25 years.
101
00:07:58,615 --> 00:08:01,254
Well, l'm wearing panties,
so let's deal.
102
00:08:02,175 --> 00:08:06,134
No, l meant that l sell ladies' shoes.
103
00:08:07,935 --> 00:08:10,529
l was just pulling your leg.
104
00:08:11,015 --> 00:08:13,688
Well, you're not gonna pull
anything of mine.
105
00:08:14,095 --> 00:08:17,531
Now, look, Cal, all l need here
is basic transportation.
106
00:08:17,775 --> 00:08:19,811
Oh, well, l got just the car for you.
107
00:08:20,015 --> 00:08:23,974
The all-new '97 Kiwi.
108
00:08:27,415 --> 00:08:31,693
Look, Bud, it's perfect for you
and Mrs. Thumb.
109
00:08:32,535 --> 00:08:34,730
lt gets great gas mileage.
110
00:08:34,975 --> 00:08:38,888
Yeah, Dad, if you do run out of gas,
just pick it up, take it home.
111
00:08:39,615 --> 00:08:42,413
lt's a lot roomier than it looks.
112
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:44,771
Cal, l'm starting to cramp up here.
113
00:08:44,975 --> 00:08:46,727
Could you get me out of here?
114
00:08:47,535 --> 00:08:48,729
Oh, what was l thinking?
115
00:08:48,935 --> 00:08:52,769
A man of your strapping
muscular physique in a Kiwi.
116
00:08:53,695 --> 00:08:56,004
Hey, did you play pro ball?
117
00:08:56,255 --> 00:08:59,247
Well, l could have,
but l had a career-ending accident.
118
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,884
-Knee?
-Marriage.
119
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:06,286
No, but l played four years
at Polk High.
120
00:09:06,495 --> 00:09:08,292
"Touchdown" Bundy,
they used to call me.
121
00:09:08,535 --> 00:09:11,368
Polk High's Al Bundy?
122
00:09:11,575 --> 00:09:13,486
You, sir, were my idol.
123
00:09:13,695 --> 00:09:17,529
And because of that, l'm gonna
give you our red-carpet lease.
124
00:09:17,775 --> 00:09:19,527
Now, Cal. Now, wait a minute, now.
125
00:09:19,735 --> 00:09:22,249
No, you're not gonna
sucker me into no lease.
126
00:09:22,455 --> 00:09:24,173
Oh, that's too bad...
127
00:09:24,375 --> 00:09:27,367
...because with a lease,
you could afford...
128
00:09:27,575 --> 00:09:31,568
...the all new Testica 2000.
129
00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:44,685
You know,
with all due respect to the Dodge...
130
00:09:44,895 --> 00:09:47,329
...these brakes sure come in handy.
131
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:51,045
Yeah, it's nice not having to
throw out the anchor.
132
00:09:51,295 --> 00:09:54,731
And you can choose
which way you're gonna turn.
133
00:09:55,855 --> 00:09:58,653
Now, what do they call
this fancy sound system?
134
00:09:58,855 --> 00:10:00,493
FM.
135
00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:04,575
Man, l can't wait to hear
what the chicks have to say...
136
00:10:04,775 --> 00:10:07,209
...when l pull up in this babe magnet.
137
00:10:07,415 --> 00:10:08,609
Well, my guess would be:
138
00:10:08,815 --> 00:10:12,854
" Hey, look at that pathetic little dweeb
driving his dad's car."
139
00:10:14,575 --> 00:10:16,884
Al, nice wheels.
140
00:10:17,095 --> 00:10:21,373
But you have to realise,
stealing cars is a felony.
141
00:10:21,935 --> 00:10:24,768
So is pretending to be that kid
on Home Improvement.
142
00:10:30,815 --> 00:10:34,091
Hey, Mrs. D'Arcy,
it has seat warmers.
143
00:10:34,295 --> 00:10:36,889
Really. Feel my tush, it's warm.
144
00:10:37,615 --> 00:10:39,606
l'll take a rain check.
145
00:10:39,815 --> 00:10:42,090
Hey, you better grab it
while you can.
146
00:10:42,735 --> 00:10:44,612
lt's her busy season.
147
00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:47,494
No offence, Al...
148
00:10:47,695 --> 00:10:51,734
...but how can a shoe-selling moron
afford a Testica 2000?
149
00:10:51,975 --> 00:10:54,887
Well, your Kentucky friedness...
150
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:59,884
...l leased it.
Got a real good deal too.
151
00:11:00,135 --> 00:11:01,250
For them.
152
00:11:01,455 --> 00:11:05,209
You signed a 20-year lease
with a balloon payment at the end.
153
00:11:05,455 --> 00:11:09,130
Well, my pal Cal
said that smart people lease.
154
00:11:09,375 --> 00:11:11,684
Yeah, to stupid people.
155
00:11:13,015 --> 00:11:14,846
Oh, she's just jealous, Daddy.
156
00:11:15,055 --> 00:11:18,331
She wishes she had
a shiny red testicle.
157
00:11:24,055 --> 00:11:26,250
That's Testica.
158
00:11:33,935 --> 00:11:37,325
So where's my keys to the car?
159
00:11:37,575 --> 00:11:40,214
l don't even like you
having a key to the house.
160
00:11:40,695 --> 00:11:44,290
Now, go on, get out of here.
You're using up all the new-car smell.
161
00:11:47,695 --> 00:11:49,765
Alone at last.
162
00:11:50,215 --> 00:11:53,173
Who would have thought a punk kid
from the streets of Chicago...
163
00:11:53,375 --> 00:11:56,253
...would wind up
with a beauty like you.
164
00:11:56,695 --> 00:11:59,573
We're gonna live happily ever after.
165
00:12:03,695 --> 00:12:05,845
Don't panic, kids.
166
00:12:06,095 --> 00:12:08,893
Daddy bought a lime.
167
00:12:12,735 --> 00:12:15,727
And he fathered a vegetable.
168
00:12:21,255 --> 00:12:24,804
l think l can fix it,
but l gotta look in the owner's manual.
169
00:12:25,055 --> 00:12:29,094
Why don't you try looking
under X, for exorcism?
170
00:12:29,775 --> 00:12:33,563
l bet you anything he forgot
the seat warmers were stuck on broil.
171
00:12:38,255 --> 00:12:39,768
Good night, Daddy.
172
00:12:40,015 --> 00:12:42,006
Bud, help me.
173
00:12:42,255 --> 00:12:43,768
l would, Dad, but you-
174
00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:46,933
You told me to keep
my hands off your Testica.
175
00:12:50,775 --> 00:12:54,609
I've been working in the backyard
176
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:58,569
All the livelong day
177
00:12:58,815 --> 00:13:00,726
Hey, Mom.
178
00:13:01,775 --> 00:13:03,288
Oh, hi, kids.
179
00:13:03,535 --> 00:13:05,571
What are you doing there, Mom?
180
00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:08,046
Sleep-shovelling.
181
00:13:08,935 --> 00:13:11,733
Hey, we're not supposed to
wake her up.
182
00:13:14,175 --> 00:13:16,006
Yeah, l know what's going on here.
183
00:13:16,215 --> 00:13:17,728
That dealer in Germany called...
184
00:13:17,935 --> 00:13:20,130
...and upped his offer for the engine,
didn't he?
185
00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:24,931
Hey. Now, either you cut us in
or l'm gonna tell Mom.
186
00:13:26,535 --> 00:13:29,652
-Dad.
-Him too.
187
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:33,529
You're blackmailing
your own mother?
188
00:13:34,095 --> 00:13:36,928
Oh, kids, l'm so darn proud of you.
189
00:13:37,135 --> 00:13:40,923
There's no way you're getting
your grubby little mitts on my loot.
190
00:13:41,135 --> 00:13:43,091
-Dad.
-Dad.
191
00:13:43,335 --> 00:13:46,247
All right, all right.
Just get in here and start shovelling.
192
00:13:46,455 --> 00:13:48,764
We've got 12 hours
to get that engine to Germany.
193
00:13:48,975 --> 00:13:50,124
Come on.
194
00:13:59,295 --> 00:14:01,729
Damn seat warmers.
195
00:14:02,335 --> 00:14:05,168
Now, folks,
this is a perfect family car.
196
00:14:05,375 --> 00:14:06,808
Put a roof rack on it...
197
00:14:07,015 --> 00:14:10,690
...and this little tyke can ride in style.
198
00:14:11,815 --> 00:14:14,807
Excuse me, Cal, remember me?
Al Bundy.
199
00:14:15,015 --> 00:14:18,132
-Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
-No-
200
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,690
Touchdown Bundy,
you know, Polk High.
201
00:14:20,895 --> 00:14:22,294
You said l was your idol.
202
00:14:22,535 --> 00:14:24,093
You?
203
00:14:24,735 --> 00:14:26,487
Excuse me, sir, l'm with a customer.
204
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:30,205
Excuse me, Cal,
but, see, you sold me a lemon.
205
00:14:30,415 --> 00:14:32,485
Oh, that's impossible.
206
00:14:33,055 --> 00:14:36,286
All the hair on my butt's burned off.
207
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:40,691
l'm telling you, the electrical system
in that car's all messed up.
208
00:14:40,935 --> 00:14:44,132
No problem, sir. That's covered
by the extended-warranty contract.
209
00:14:44,375 --> 00:14:48,607
No, but see, l was too smart to buy
the extended-warranty contract.
210
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:51,369
Oh, Al, you should have
listened to Cal.
211
00:14:51,615 --> 00:14:52,730
l did listen to you.
212
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:55,927
Now l've got a worthless Testica!
213
00:14:56,935 --> 00:14:58,254
-Calm down.
-l am calm.
214
00:14:58,455 --> 00:15:00,252
But l'm demanding
you look at my Testica.
215
00:15:00,495 --> 00:15:02,850
lf you don't calm yourself,
you'll have to leave.
216
00:15:03,095 --> 00:15:05,973
Well, l'm not leaving here
empty-handed.
217
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:09,212
Oh, well, l wouldn't think of that.
218
00:15:13,055 --> 00:15:16,013
Now, Cal, l'm telling you,
if you don't give some satisfaction...
219
00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:19,446
...this is gonna be
your panty-wearing head.
220
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:06,288
Jefferson, my old adversary.
221
00:16:06,895 --> 00:16:09,250
Fidel, mi compadre.
222
00:16:09,455 --> 00:16:10,604
Still with the ClA?
223
00:16:10,815 --> 00:16:13,454
No, no. When l couldn't kill you,
they fired me.
224
00:16:13,655 --> 00:16:17,489
Oh, sorry.
But you still got the moves.
225
00:16:17,695 --> 00:16:19,925
That's what the wife says.
226
00:16:24,015 --> 00:16:26,813
You married the kid
from Home Improvement?
227
00:16:30,975 --> 00:16:33,011
l guess l did.
228
00:16:33,215 --> 00:16:35,729
Oh, well. She's got money,
she buys me things.
229
00:16:35,935 --> 00:16:38,847
So did Russia,
and look what that got us.
230
00:16:39,655 --> 00:16:42,044
El presidente...
231
00:16:43,495 --> 00:16:47,249
...you still have a bunch of old
American cars lying around the island?
232
00:16:47,495 --> 00:16:49,804
Thousands. Damn trade embargo.
233
00:16:50,015 --> 00:16:51,368
Damn Kennedy.
234
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:53,964
Damn Steve Allen.
235
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:56,844
What does Steve Allen got to do
with trade embargo?
236
00:16:57,095 --> 00:16:59,404
Nothing. l just hate him.
237
00:17:00,295 --> 00:17:02,570
Listen, l've got a friend,
his name's Al Bundy.
238
00:17:02,775 --> 00:17:06,131
He's got an old Dodge
and he needs a new fuel pump.
239
00:17:06,335 --> 00:17:08,007
May l ask your people's help?
240
00:17:08,255 --> 00:17:10,052
What's in it for me?
241
00:17:10,255 --> 00:17:13,008
America's greatest export.
242
00:17:13,215 --> 00:17:14,443
SnackWell's.
243
00:17:14,655 --> 00:17:18,330
Oh, l've heard about these.
244
00:17:21,695 --> 00:17:26,610
Comrades, mi familia,
l need your help.
245
00:17:26,815 --> 00:17:30,888
There is a man,
Al Bundy is his name.
246
00:17:31,095 --> 00:17:35,293
A poor man, a needy man.
247
00:17:35,735 --> 00:17:37,646
Needier than us?
248
00:17:37,855 --> 00:17:42,292
S, he's middle-aged
and sells shoes at the mall.
249
00:17:45,695 --> 00:17:48,209
What is a mall?
250
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:50,246
lt's a large group of stores...
251
00:17:50,455 --> 00:17:53,208
...with an endless supply
of affordable merchandise.
252
00:17:53,415 --> 00:17:55,133
And a food court.
253
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:57,530
We want a mall!
254
00:18:00,935 --> 00:18:03,688
Now you see what you made me do?
255
00:18:03,895 --> 00:18:07,934
Fidel, l can't believe you could have
somebody shot just by doing that.
256
00:18:13,975 --> 00:18:15,613
Oh, no. Dad's home.
257
00:18:15,815 --> 00:18:17,726
Well, stall him.
258
00:18:20,095 --> 00:18:22,245
Hey, Dad.
259
00:18:23,495 --> 00:18:25,565
Damn Testica.
260
00:18:25,975 --> 00:18:28,091
l miss the Dodge.
261
00:18:28,655 --> 00:18:30,373
l think l'll go pay my respect.
262
00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:32,845
No, Dad, Dad. Let it go.
263
00:18:33,055 --> 00:18:37,685
lt's just a shell out there.
What's inside has gone up to heaven.
264
00:18:40,295 --> 00:18:42,855
We got it. We found your fuel pump.
265
00:18:43,095 --> 00:18:45,973
You did? You're gonna bring
the Dodge back to life?
266
00:18:46,215 --> 00:18:50,174
l'm a Dodge specialist, not
a miracle worker, but l'll do all l can.
267
00:18:51,215 --> 00:18:54,412
Dad, it's too late. Just accept it.
268
00:18:54,615 --> 00:18:58,005
Now, Mr. Bundy, l need to get to the car
as fast as possible.
269
00:18:58,335 --> 00:19:02,374
Bud, Bud, get your mother
and your sister. Start digging.
270
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,213
Good work.
271
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:13,490
What is taking so long?
272
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:15,572
l wish there was something
l could do.
273
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:19,372
You could take me
to the emergency room.
274
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:23,095
l'm seeing double.
275
00:19:23,535 --> 00:19:26,652
Here, here, here, here.
Read a Big 'Uns.
276
00:19:28,215 --> 00:19:31,013
Oh, four 'uns.
277
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:35,645
l can't believe l lost $10,000.
278
00:19:35,855 --> 00:19:38,210
l thought you said it was 7.
279
00:19:38,495 --> 00:19:40,213
Whatever.
280
00:19:43,335 --> 00:19:45,644
Well, Mr. Bundy, l did all l could.
281
00:19:45,855 --> 00:19:48,608
-Now it's up to her to pull through.
-Can l see her?
282
00:19:48,815 --> 00:19:52,603
Of course,
but she may not recognise you.
283
00:19:55,655 --> 00:19:57,850
She's been through a lot, you realise.
284
00:19:58,055 --> 00:20:00,569
Her appearance may shock you.
285
00:20:01,135 --> 00:20:04,810
Doc, you see
what l wake up to each morning.
286
00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:10,212
Now, remember, she'll need plenty
of garage rest and a low-octane diet.
287
00:20:10,615 --> 00:20:13,083
Jefferson, no matter what happens...
288
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,093
...l can never repay you
for what you've done.
289
00:20:16,335 --> 00:20:18,451
Just buy me a six-pack of beer.
290
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:22,244
Which part of " never repay"
don't you understand?
291
00:20:32,935 --> 00:20:36,211
Mr. Bundy, l'm sorry.
292
00:20:36,615 --> 00:20:37,684
l failed you.
293
00:20:37,935 --> 00:20:39,129
What do you mean, failed?
294
00:20:39,335 --> 00:20:42,452
She hasn't sounded this good
since the day l bought her.
295
00:20:42,695 --> 00:20:47,291
Why? Why? Why?!
296
00:20:47,535 --> 00:20:49,014
l'm so glad you're back.
297
00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:55,165
And l just want you to know,
l never loved that flashy red hussy.
298
00:20:55,375 --> 00:20:57,935
Or the new car either.
299
00:21:14,895 --> 00:21:17,693
Hey, Cal.
300
00:21:23,775 --> 00:21:27,893
Your pal Al
has a little present for you.1
00:00:03,251 --> 00:00:06,049
You know, Peg,
l hate to be a needy husband...
2
00:00:06,251 --> 00:00:10,608
...a demanding husband,
and your husband...
3
00:00:11,971 --> 00:00:15,008
...but where the hell
is my Thanksgiving pie tin?
4
00:00:15,211 --> 00:00:19,443
Why don't you check under the couch
where l keep the other dirty dishes?
5
00:00:19,931 --> 00:00:22,604
Once again, Peg, way to homemake.
6
00:00:23,531 --> 00:00:25,681
You see, now, l can't quite reach.
7
00:00:25,891 --> 00:00:27,609
Well, here.
8
00:00:27,811 --> 00:00:30,723
You wanna try my bonbon retriever?
9
00:00:31,371 --> 00:00:33,726
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
l got something.
10
00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:39,283
Hey, it's from Bud's nursery school.
11
00:00:42,411 --> 00:00:45,687
He failed his T.B. test, Peg.
12
00:00:46,811 --> 00:00:49,245
l told him to study.
13
00:00:55,291 --> 00:00:58,567
Damn cough. l just can't shake it.
14
00:01:00,091 --> 00:01:02,286
Happy Thanksgiving, all.
15
00:01:02,691 --> 00:01:05,080
Vacuuming for lost hair, Al?
16
00:01:06,131 --> 00:01:10,090
Why don't you take your
shrivelled-up gourds on out of here?
17
00:01:11,091 --> 00:01:13,525
And your cornucopia too.
18
00:01:14,731 --> 00:01:18,087
Wow, corn. Thanks, Mrs. D'Arcy.
19
00:01:22,331 --> 00:01:25,562
Those are shellacked, you aphid.
20
00:01:27,371 --> 00:01:31,125
Peggy, aren't you gonna cook a turkey
for your family this Thanksgiving?
21
00:01:31,611 --> 00:01:34,842
You expect me to cook on a holiday?
22
00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:37,884
Homemaking a job too, you know.
23
00:01:38,091 --> 00:01:40,605
Why don't you apply for it, Peg?
24
00:01:45,491 --> 00:01:48,528
Hey, l found it.
25
00:01:49,691 --> 00:01:53,730
Oh, good. Now you can put
that metal plate back in your head.
26
00:01:55,731 --> 00:02:00,088
Although, that's a lot like putting
a lid on an empty jar.
27
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,646
Or a bra on you.
28
00:02:08,491 --> 00:02:10,846
This pie tin is worth 25 cents...
29
00:02:11,051 --> 00:02:14,885
...towards one of Aunt Maddie's
famous sweet potato pies.
30
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,405
lf she's so famous,
how come l haven't heard of her?
31
00:02:19,611 --> 00:02:22,921
l don't know. Maybe because
she doesn't make chicken pies.
32
00:02:27,571 --> 00:02:29,801
Please don't get him started
on Aunt Maddie.
33
00:02:30,051 --> 00:02:34,727
Bud, unlike the happy childhood
we provided for you...
34
00:02:34,931 --> 00:02:38,162
...l didn't have such a fortunate
upbringing.
35
00:02:38,531 --> 00:02:43,969
Oh, well, l'm sure
Mr. and Mrs. Sasquatch did their best.
36
00:02:45,091 --> 00:02:48,970
But we did have one holiday tradition
that we cherished.
37
00:02:49,171 --> 00:02:51,685
Mom would serve Dad
the traditional Wild Turkey...
38
00:02:51,891 --> 00:02:54,644
...and then chug
the rest of the bottle.
39
00:02:55,811 --> 00:02:59,440
We'd weave on down to Aunt Maddie's
and pick up a sweet potato pie...
40
00:02:59,651 --> 00:03:01,881
...then go back home,
the folks would pass out...
41
00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:06,209
...and l'd have me that sweet potato pie
all to myself.
42
00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:10,047
Sort of makes you all warm
and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?
43
00:03:10,251 --> 00:03:13,561
That's what Mom said
about that Wild Turkey.
44
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,928
Yeah. Shake it, baby.
45
00:03:55,971 --> 00:04:00,487
Oh, hey, that Miss Piggy is always
a hit in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
46
00:04:00,931 --> 00:04:04,367
And, kids, looks who's coming up:
Betty Boop.
47
00:04:04,571 --> 00:04:06,766
Oh, she's fine.
48
00:04:08,571 --> 00:04:10,641
Oh, Bud.
49
00:04:15,011 --> 00:04:17,081
l'm a dead man.
l couldn't get the turkey.
50
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,407
Marcy's gonna kill me.
51
00:04:20,171 --> 00:04:23,083
Whoa, check out Betty Boop.
52
00:04:24,091 --> 00:04:26,651
Those have gotta be fake.
53
00:04:27,371 --> 00:04:30,329
That's nothing. Miss Piggy's dress
got caught on a traffic light.
54
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:32,283
l saw everything.
55
00:04:32,491 --> 00:04:33,560
Everything.
56
00:04:33,771 --> 00:04:37,081
Oh, the parade.
57
00:04:37,291 --> 00:04:41,967
Hey, when did they get
a Rush Limbaugh balloon?
58
00:04:42,291 --> 00:04:45,442
No, Mom. That-
That is Rush Limbaugh.
59
00:04:46,971 --> 00:04:48,324
Peggy. Peggy, help.
60
00:04:48,531 --> 00:04:50,726
Look, Thanksgiving
is Marcy's favourite holiday.
61
00:04:50,931 --> 00:04:53,809
lf l ruin it,
she's gonna cut off my giblets.
62
00:04:54,851 --> 00:04:58,048
l thought she did that
a long time ago.
63
00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,805
Will you sell me your turkey?
64
00:05:00,051 --> 00:05:02,963
Well, l'd give him to you,
but he's out getting pie.
65
00:05:04,891 --> 00:05:09,169
l'm dead. There's not a single turkey
left in all of Chicago.
66
00:05:16,571 --> 00:05:18,323
Hey, you guys.
67
00:05:18,931 --> 00:05:22,446
Look at this fat chicken
that followed me home.
68
00:05:23,211 --> 00:05:24,724
l'm gonna name him Hank.
69
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,244
Hello. Hello.
70
00:05:32,491 --> 00:05:34,721
Aunt Maddie, open up.
71
00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:36,848
Hey, Al, they're closed.
72
00:05:37,051 --> 00:05:38,848
Says there's been a death
in the family.
73
00:05:39,051 --> 00:05:43,249
Oh, God, no. Does that mean
no pie this Thanksgiving?
74
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:44,680
Can l help you folks?
75
00:05:44,891 --> 00:05:47,405
Yeah, l need to find Aunt Maddie.
You know where she is?
76
00:05:47,611 --> 00:05:50,728
-Oh, she's down at the church, son.
-And where is that?
77
00:05:50,931 --> 00:05:54,367
Now, you go down to the end
of the block and you make a right.
78
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,768
Go past the barber shop,
and you take your first right.
79
00:05:57,971 --> 00:06:00,485
Go another block,
make another right...
80
00:06:00,691 --> 00:06:04,445
...then one more right,
and it's on your right.
81
00:06:06,291 --> 00:06:08,759
Well, wouldn't it be easier
just to cross the street?
82
00:06:08,971 --> 00:06:12,441
Sure.
But l need a ride to the barber shop.
83
00:06:19,371 --> 00:06:21,168
How you doing?
84
00:06:22,411 --> 00:06:24,288
Turkey on Thanksgiving.
85
00:06:24,491 --> 00:06:26,686
This could catch on.
86
00:06:28,131 --> 00:06:29,689
Kelly.
87
00:06:30,131 --> 00:06:31,450
Look at the-
88
00:06:31,651 --> 00:06:34,643
Look at the nice bed
we made for Hank.
89
00:06:38,851 --> 00:06:41,319
Listen, honey,
when he's all snuggled in...
90
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,726
...we'll kiss him goodbye.
91
00:06:43,931 --> 00:06:45,967
l meant, good night.
92
00:06:46,171 --> 00:06:50,483
And then we're gonna put him
into his little house.
93
00:06:50,731 --> 00:06:54,406
Well, l don't know if he's gonna like it.
Hank's afraid of the dark.
94
00:06:54,611 --> 00:06:59,366
Oh, but see, if l turn this little dial...
95
00:07:00,011 --> 00:07:03,526
...his house fills up with a pretty
blue light.
96
00:07:04,451 --> 00:07:09,002
Yeah, and- And he'll be real comfy
sleeping on these bread crumbs.
97
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:12,601
And, honey, l made him a blanket.
98
00:07:16,491 --> 00:07:18,721
Wait a minute.
99
00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:20,848
l know what you guys
are trying to do.
100
00:07:22,731 --> 00:07:26,121
You're trying to get Hank
to like you more than me.
101
00:07:27,731 --> 00:07:31,201
Well, l am sorry.
We're too smart to fall for that.
102
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,362
All right,
this is what we're gonna do.
103
00:07:33,571 --> 00:07:36,244
l'll distract her,
while you snap the neck.
104
00:07:37,451 --> 00:07:39,487
Couldn't you snap her neck?
105
00:07:39,891 --> 00:07:42,485
l mean, after all, she is my sister. l-
106
00:07:43,851 --> 00:07:47,002
Kelly, honey,
l'm getting a little concerned.
107
00:07:47,211 --> 00:07:49,771
Yeah, you're getting
very attached to Hank...
108
00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:52,405
...and the life span of a turkey
is very short.
109
00:07:52,611 --> 00:07:55,045
Especially this time of year.
110
00:07:55,251 --> 00:07:58,766
Kelly, what are you doing?
These are my pants.
111
00:07:59,251 --> 00:08:03,324
l know, but you and Hank
are about the same size.
112
00:08:04,131 --> 00:08:08,204
What-? What are you doing
with your hands around Hank's neck?
113
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,920
Just checking his pulse.
114
00:08:12,971 --> 00:08:14,609
He doesn't look too good.
115
00:08:14,811 --> 00:08:17,120
Could be turkey pox.
116
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:20,960
Maybe we should check
his temperature with this.
117
00:08:23,691 --> 00:08:25,204
Yeah.
118
00:08:25,531 --> 00:08:29,444
But first, we better take off
his feathers and examine him.
119
00:08:29,651 --> 00:08:31,403
Wait a minute.
120
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,966
l know what you guys are up to.
121
00:08:34,171 --> 00:08:37,083
You just wanna see Hank naked.
God.
122
00:08:41,331 --> 00:08:43,128
Excuse me. l'm-
123
00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:44,764
l'm looking for Aunt Maddie.
124
00:08:45,891 --> 00:08:47,722
Here she comes now.
125
00:09:00,371 --> 00:09:04,080
l don't know how l can live
without the warmth and sweetness.
126
00:09:04,291 --> 00:09:06,009
We're all gonna miss her.
127
00:09:06,531 --> 00:09:10,922
That unforgettable, spicy flavour...
128
00:09:11,531 --> 00:09:14,603
...and buttery bottom.
129
00:09:18,691 --> 00:09:22,081
Good Lord,
is he talking about Aunt Maddie?
130
00:09:22,291 --> 00:09:26,045
l think Aunt Maddie had jungle fever
with this man.
131
00:09:29,011 --> 00:09:30,763
So...
132
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,121
...you come here often?
133
00:09:34,171 --> 00:09:38,323
Do you mind?
l'm overwhelmed with grief.
134
00:09:38,531 --> 00:09:41,648
Well, how would you like
to be overwhelmed by Griff?
135
00:09:45,331 --> 00:09:47,891
Gentlemen, excuse me.
l don't believe we've met.
136
00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:51,806
l'm James Brown,
Aunt Maddie's nephew.
137
00:09:56,371 --> 00:10:00,284
-Aren't you that guy on TV?
-The the host of NFL on Fox?
138
00:10:00,491 --> 00:10:03,210
Why, yes, l am.
But you know, l also cover hockey.
139
00:10:03,411 --> 00:10:06,050
Yeah, but who cares about that?
140
00:10:06,251 --> 00:10:07,889
So you knew my Aunt Maddie?
141
00:10:08,531 --> 00:10:10,249
l have very fond memories
of your aunt.
142
00:10:10,451 --> 00:10:13,966
My mother and father use to take me
to her pie store every Thanksgiving.
143
00:10:14,211 --> 00:10:17,123
l'd try to steal a cookie and
she'd slap me upside the head.
144
00:10:17,371 --> 00:10:20,363
Then she'd give me a cookie anyway.
She was a wonderful woman.
145
00:10:20,571 --> 00:10:23,290
Wait a minute.
Don't tell me you're Al Bundy?
146
00:10:23,491 --> 00:10:26,244
-Yeah, did she talk about me?
-Oh, my goodness. All the time.
147
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:29,443
As a matter of fact,
l'm where l am today because of you.
148
00:10:29,651 --> 00:10:30,845
Really?
149
00:10:31,051 --> 00:10:33,690
Yeah. l can hear her now.
She used to always say:
150
00:10:33,891 --> 00:10:37,406
"James, do your homework
or you'll wind up like Al Bundy."
151
00:10:42,571 --> 00:10:45,039
Yeah, l'm glad l could help.
152
00:10:45,251 --> 00:10:48,004
So you're staying for pie?
153
00:10:49,451 --> 00:10:50,804
-Pie?
-Pie?
154
00:10:51,011 --> 00:10:52,444
Of course. After the service...
155
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:58,123
...we're all gonna have a bit
of Aunt Maddie's last sweet potato pie.
156
00:11:00,051 --> 00:11:06,524
Hallelujah
157
00:11:10,891 --> 00:11:14,679
Hanky, your bubble bath's ready.
158
00:11:18,651 --> 00:11:20,926
Okay. Let's kill him.
159
00:11:21,131 --> 00:11:24,168
Hanky, Pooky, are you down here?
160
00:11:24,571 --> 00:11:26,880
Hey, what are you doing?
161
00:11:27,091 --> 00:11:28,888
Oh, this is ridiculous.
162
00:11:29,091 --> 00:11:31,525
Kelly, look, l know you love Hank.
163
00:11:31,771 --> 00:11:34,569
So l'm gonna say this
as gently as possible.
164
00:11:34,771 --> 00:11:36,489
We're gonna cut
that bird's head off...
165
00:11:36,691 --> 00:11:39,330
...stuff his butt full of bread,
and eat him.
166
00:11:39,891 --> 00:11:42,530
Oh, get away! Get away!
167
00:11:42,731 --> 00:11:45,006
You are not gonna kill Hank.
168
00:11:46,811 --> 00:11:49,484
Kelly? Honey, it's your mother.
169
00:11:49,691 --> 00:11:51,807
You know l'm on your side.
170
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:54,889
How many heart-to-hearts
have we had through this door?
171
00:11:55,091 --> 00:11:57,685
Mom, that's the linen closet.
172
00:12:00,131 --> 00:12:02,247
We have a linen closet?
173
00:12:03,811 --> 00:12:05,039
Open up.
174
00:12:05,251 --> 00:12:07,446
Go away, you turkey-haters.
175
00:12:07,651 --> 00:12:10,609
Kelly, l promise he won't feel a thing.
176
00:12:10,811 --> 00:12:13,962
This isn't one of your dates, Bud.
177
00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:17,567
l'm sorry, Hank.
178
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:20,080
l really wanna keep you...
179
00:12:20,291 --> 00:12:22,009
...but it's not safe here.
180
00:12:22,211 --> 00:12:24,679
l'm gonna have to set you free.
181
00:12:25,691 --> 00:12:29,969
Oh, me too. l'll never forget you.
182
00:12:34,931 --> 00:12:36,967
Fly away, Hank.
183
00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,805
Fly like the wind!
184
00:12:47,571 --> 00:12:50,927
l meant fly up, Hank!
185
00:12:52,051 --> 00:12:54,087
Gonna lay down my sword and shield
186
00:12:54,291 --> 00:12:56,088
Down by the riverside
187
00:12:56,331 --> 00:13:04,443
Down by the riverside
188
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,448
Oh, that was inspirational!
189
00:13:06,651 --> 00:13:08,448
Let's do another one!
190
00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:10,960
Amen, brother Griff.
191
00:13:11,171 --> 00:13:13,446
-What?
-l've been waiting for one year...
192
00:13:13,651 --> 00:13:15,084
...for a taste of that pie...
193
00:13:15,291 --> 00:13:18,363
...so if you don't wanna make this
a double funeral, stop singing.
194
00:13:18,571 --> 00:13:22,166
He's got the whole world
In his hands
195
00:13:22,371 --> 00:13:25,647
He's got whole wide world
In his hands
196
00:13:25,851 --> 00:13:29,764
He's got the whole world
In his hands
197
00:13:29,971 --> 00:13:33,327
I want that whole pie
In my hands
198
00:13:33,531 --> 00:13:37,160
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Reverend Hightower.
199
00:13:37,371 --> 00:13:42,047
Now, this glorious music has ridden on
angel's wings to Aunt Maddie's ears.
200
00:13:42,251 --> 00:13:47,245
But now it's time to celebrate her life
by sharing this...
201
00:13:47,811 --> 00:13:49,483
...heavenly pie.
202
00:13:49,691 --> 00:13:52,080
Hallelujah.
203
00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:55,681
Brother Al's deep love
for Aunt Maddie's pie...
204
00:13:55,891 --> 00:13:58,963
...should be an inspiration to us all.
205
00:13:59,531 --> 00:14:03,809
Well, not to us all.
There's only one pie.
206
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:09,084
Brother Al used the word " heavenly,"
and he is right.
207
00:14:09,291 --> 00:14:10,406
Yes.
208
00:14:10,611 --> 00:14:14,684
He's so right that we cannot,
we should not...
209
00:14:14,891 --> 00:14:18,679
...we must not divide this pie.
210
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,129
Hallelujah.
211
00:14:21,331 --> 00:14:26,246
Because only one is worthy of it.
212
00:14:28,011 --> 00:14:30,764
l think they're gonna give me
this pie.
213
00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:34,690
As brother Al suggests...
214
00:14:34,891 --> 00:14:38,964
...this pie should go
to our heavenly Father.
215
00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:40,809
-Yes, sir.
-Amen.
216
00:14:41,011 --> 00:14:43,764
Him? Him? Why him?
217
00:14:43,971 --> 00:14:46,644
He can get a pie
any time he wants to.
218
00:14:47,131 --> 00:14:50,282
No, wait, wait. Please, don't take it.
219
00:14:50,491 --> 00:14:51,526
You're right.
220
00:14:51,731 --> 00:14:54,325
We can't take it, brother Al.
221
00:14:54,531 --> 00:14:57,523
Only Aunt Maddie can take it to him.
222
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:00,569
-That's right.
-Yes.
223
00:15:00,771 --> 00:15:02,363
Let's us bow our heads in prayer.
224
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,766
Yes, let us pray.
225
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:15,205
Aunt Maddie, excuse me...
226
00:15:15,411 --> 00:15:19,370
...but l just know
you'd want me to have this last pie.
227
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:24,086
So if you could,
would you just give me a sign?
228
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,486
Any sign at all.
229
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,164
Even if the sign is no sign.
230
00:15:40,051 --> 00:15:41,609
Good.
231
00:15:42,771 --> 00:15:47,049
Then the sign is no sign at all.
232
00:15:53,811 --> 00:15:57,201
You know, she was-
She was getting cold.
233
00:15:58,651 --> 00:16:02,485
That no-count Bundy boy
is stealing Aunt Maddie's pie.
234
00:16:02,691 --> 00:16:03,806
Get him.
235
00:16:44,851 --> 00:16:48,127
Well, who knew
that turkeys couldn't fly?
236
00:16:49,611 --> 00:16:50,600
l did.
237
00:16:50,811 --> 00:16:52,130
-Me too.
-Ditto.
238
00:16:56,251 --> 00:16:58,640
Jefferson,
thanks for my Thanksgiving turkey.
239
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,682
Well, you really have to thank Kelly.
240
00:17:00,891 --> 00:17:04,884
l mean, she's the one who threw him
to his neck-snapping death.
241
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:09,811
l'm so sorry, Hank.
242
00:17:10,971 --> 00:17:13,201
You're talking into his butt.
243
00:17:16,131 --> 00:17:18,122
His head's in the garbage.
244
00:17:20,811 --> 00:17:23,245
You guys are really
being insensitive.
245
00:17:23,451 --> 00:17:25,407
-Honey, it was an accident.
-Right.
246
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,727
lt wasn't your fault.
247
00:17:28,691 --> 00:17:32,889
Hi. Mr. McGuinty told me
you found my turkey. Where is he?
248
00:17:33,931 --> 00:17:36,081
She killed him.
249
00:17:36,971 --> 00:17:38,450
You killed Timothy?
250
00:17:38,651 --> 00:17:40,050
l'm sorry.
251
00:17:40,251 --> 00:17:43,323
l threw him out the window
because l thought he could fly.
252
00:17:43,851 --> 00:17:46,319
What are you, an idiot?
253
00:17:47,331 --> 00:17:51,165
l raised him from an egg.
We won a 4-H ribbon together.
254
00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:52,804
l'm really sorry.
255
00:17:53,731 --> 00:17:55,483
lt's not fair.
256
00:17:55,691 --> 00:17:58,285
l wanted to kill him.
257
00:18:00,851 --> 00:18:04,002
l didn't even get to chop off
his head.
258
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,604
Well, it-
259
00:18:06,971 --> 00:18:10,680
Hey, it wasn't much fun. l mean,
he didn't run around or anything.
260
00:18:11,451 --> 00:18:13,567
Ladies and gentlemen.
261
00:18:13,771 --> 00:18:15,443
Marcy.
262
00:18:23,371 --> 00:18:25,248
l got my pie.
263
00:18:25,451 --> 00:18:28,011
Now, if you'll excuse me,
l'm going to enjoy it.
264
00:18:28,491 --> 00:18:32,086
Al, we had a horrible Thanksgiving.
265
00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:33,724
l killed my pet turkey.
266
00:18:33,931 --> 00:18:35,922
l forgot to reserve a turkey.
267
00:18:36,131 --> 00:18:37,883
l didn't get to eat turkey.
268
00:18:38,091 --> 00:18:40,525
l saw Ms. Piggy's woo-woo.
269
00:18:43,131 --> 00:18:45,691
l mean- l mean, we're starving.
270
00:18:46,731 --> 00:18:48,164
Are you kidding me?
271
00:18:48,371 --> 00:18:50,805
Do you know what l had to go through
to get this pie?
272
00:18:51,851 --> 00:18:53,489
Al.
273
00:18:55,851 --> 00:18:57,728
How could you leave without me?
274
00:18:57,931 --> 00:19:00,047
You weren't in the car?
275
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,444
No.
276
00:19:02,651 --> 00:19:05,324
Do you know how hard it is
for a bloody black man...
277
00:19:05,531 --> 00:19:08,489
...to get a cab on Thanksgiving?
278
00:19:08,691 --> 00:19:12,127
l'm sorry, buddy. Thanks a lot
for running interference for me.
279
00:19:12,331 --> 00:19:14,003
Well, if you really wanna thank me...
280
00:19:14,211 --> 00:19:16,167
...you can just give me
a piece of that pie.
281
00:19:16,371 --> 00:19:19,204
No, no. lt's a Thanksgiving tradition.
282
00:19:19,411 --> 00:19:21,800
No, l never share my pie.
283
00:19:22,011 --> 00:19:25,686
Al, l think Aunt Maddie
would want you to share.
284
00:19:25,891 --> 00:19:29,201
Peg, the only thing l'm sharing
is this Thanksgiving wish for all of you:
285
00:19:29,411 --> 00:19:31,288
Get out.
286
00:19:33,931 --> 00:19:36,286
Al Bundy.
287
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,688
Down here, boy.
288
00:19:42,731 --> 00:19:43,720
Aunt Maddie?
289
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:49,847
Al Bundy, what did l always say?
290
00:19:50,051 --> 00:19:53,487
" lf you want that cookie,
you gotta pay for it"?
291
00:19:54,691 --> 00:19:55,840
No, the other thing.
292
00:19:56,051 --> 00:19:59,009
" My pies are always sweeter
when you share 'em"?
293
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,725
Right.
294
00:20:00,931 --> 00:20:04,003
Now, you share that pie
with your family and friends.
295
00:20:04,211 --> 00:20:06,805
Don't make me hit you
upside the head.
296
00:20:10,571 --> 00:20:14,928
Come on, Al, it's Thanksgiving.
Share with us.
297
00:20:17,611 --> 00:20:19,681
No.
298
00:20:22,011 --> 00:20:24,286
Al Bundy.
299
00:20:26,131 --> 00:20:27,962
Okay.
300
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:33,127
-Anybody wanna share my pie?
-Yes. Thank you, Daddy.
301
00:20:33,331 --> 00:20:35,686
-Al, l knew you'd come through.
-Happy Thanksgiving.
302
00:20:35,891 --> 00:20:37,324
Good boy.
303
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:40,290
Happy Thanksgiving, Aunt Maddie.
304
00:20:46,771 --> 00:20:49,410
Don't go away. We'll be right back.
305
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:54,527
Wow, JB, l can't believe
that you got smoked by Al Bundy.
306
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:57,962
l mean, my God, the man's
a middle-aged shoe salesman.
307
00:20:58,171 --> 00:21:00,446
Guys, let's check this out
and go to the replay.
308
00:21:00,651 --> 00:21:01,606
Let's do it.
309
00:21:02,171 --> 00:21:04,731
Hey, check out the missed tackle
by Ms. Eunetta.
310
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,842
Now, that's just sloppy.
311
00:21:07,051 --> 00:21:10,088
Now Bundy heads for daylight.
Oh, and who's there to stop him?
312
00:21:10,291 --> 00:21:15,126
That's right. Our own James
"Fold up Lik e a Blank et" Brown.
313
00:21:15,371 --> 00:21:18,886
Where's the flag? I told you
they should bring back instant replay.
314
00:21:19,091 --> 00:21:23,562
Man, he ran over you
lik e a woman in a shoe sale.
315
00:21:23,771 --> 00:21:25,807
l'll tell you what,
it looked like Al Bundy...
316
00:21:26,011 --> 00:21:27,888
...wanted it
just a little more than you.
317
00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:32,249
Wait a minute.
Who asked you, four eyes?
318
00:21:32,451 --> 00:21:34,760
ls he talking to me?
You want some of me, Harvard?
319
00:21:34,971 --> 00:21:37,246
Hey, hold on. Come on.
Let's just get along here-
320
00:21:37,451 --> 00:21:38,725
-Stay out of it, baldy.
-Stay out of it, baldy.
321
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:40,000
What are we-?1
00:00:07,998 --> 00:00:10,558
Hey, Al,
have you seen my curling iron?
2
00:00:10,758 --> 00:00:12,794
Now, Peg, think.
3
00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:15,956
Why would l take something
that makes you look better?
4
00:00:17,998 --> 00:00:20,671
Now, stop bothering me.
l'm on vacation.
5
00:00:20,878 --> 00:00:23,870
You know, that one week out of
the year l get to sit on my butt...
6
00:00:24,078 --> 00:00:26,911
...allowing yours to experience light
and air.
7
00:00:28,078 --> 00:00:31,195
You know, honey, what we need to do
is take a family vacation.
8
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:34,151
Don't you want your kids
to have at least one happy memory...
9
00:00:34,358 --> 00:00:36,235
...besides your funeral?
10
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,036
Peg, you gonna bury me
when l'm dead?
11
00:00:40,238 --> 00:00:43,674
Dead, napping, not looking.
12
00:00:44,518 --> 00:00:46,474
Once again...
13
00:00:50,238 --> 00:00:52,149
...l have to deliver your mail...
14
00:00:52,358 --> 00:00:55,555
...just because the mailman
is afraid of getting attacked.
15
00:00:56,238 --> 00:00:57,387
Our dog doesn't bite.
16
00:00:57,598 --> 00:00:59,668
lt's not the dog he's afraid of.
17
00:01:01,318 --> 00:01:03,036
Oh, Peg, not again.
18
00:01:03,238 --> 00:01:06,514
We just got the pizza boy
to drop the charges.
19
00:01:09,238 --> 00:01:11,513
Oh, look, my travel brochure came.
20
00:01:11,718 --> 00:01:13,754
Why would you send away
for a travel brochure?
21
00:01:13,958 --> 00:01:16,074
You know l never take you anywhere.
22
00:01:17,318 --> 00:01:20,071
Al, l wanna go to Branson, Missouri...
23
00:01:20,278 --> 00:01:24,430
...entertainment capital of Missouri.
24
00:01:26,518 --> 00:01:29,669
Peg, l can't take you
on a vacation now...
25
00:01:29,878 --> 00:01:32,756
...because Larry, there,
would miss us.
26
00:01:33,238 --> 00:01:35,308
That's Lucky.
27
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,990
And l'd be happy to feed him.
28
00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:40,711
To what?
29
00:01:42,998 --> 00:01:45,512
Do you think that if l could
afford a family vacation...
30
00:01:45,718 --> 00:01:47,356
...l would take this family?
31
00:01:48,438 --> 00:01:50,793
Come try our vein-clogging...
32
00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:54,911
...heart-stopping, all-fried buffet.
33
00:01:55,118 --> 00:01:56,915
All-fried?
34
00:01:58,038 --> 00:01:59,915
Even the lettuce?
35
00:02:00,118 --> 00:02:02,188
Oh, but look, Al, l guess we can't go.
36
00:02:02,398 --> 00:02:05,595
The rooms only have twin beds.
37
00:02:08,558 --> 00:02:11,630
Peg, saddle up, lasso the young'uns,
we're Branson-bound.
38
00:02:51,478 --> 00:02:52,593
Yeah.
39
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:56,871
l told you we'd make it to Branson
on less than a gallon of gas.
40
00:02:57,238 --> 00:02:58,307
Oh, please.
41
00:02:58,518 --> 00:03:01,749
You chained our car
to the back of a Greyhound bus.
42
00:03:06,398 --> 00:03:11,518
Dad, why can't we just have suitcases
like normal people?
43
00:03:11,918 --> 00:03:15,911
Well, we did, till the handles came
off those detergent boxes.
44
00:03:18,958 --> 00:03:22,155
Howdy.
Welcome to the Deliverance lnn.
45
00:03:22,358 --> 00:03:26,112
You'll squeal like a pig
at our hospitality.
46
00:03:28,158 --> 00:03:29,989
Especially you.
47
00:03:35,838 --> 00:03:37,191
We're on a family vacation...
48
00:03:37,398 --> 00:03:40,310
...and we want
the best accommodations 20 bucks...
49
00:03:40,518 --> 00:03:42,827
...and these aluminium cans will buy.
50
00:03:43,038 --> 00:03:47,156
May l suggest the Ned Beatty suite?
51
00:03:47,358 --> 00:03:49,997
There's a back door.
52
00:03:55,158 --> 00:03:57,797
Dad, l wanna go home now.
53
00:03:57,998 --> 00:04:00,353
What do you mean,
you wanna go home? lt's great here.
54
00:04:00,558 --> 00:04:03,789
We've only been here 10 minutes,
you made a new friend.
55
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:06,353
We'll take it. Where's my wallet?
56
00:04:06,558 --> 00:04:09,436
Howdy, y'all.
57
00:04:10,478 --> 00:04:12,787
Oh, God, the gift shops.
58
00:04:12,998 --> 00:04:15,114
Al, it is worth all your money.
59
00:04:15,318 --> 00:04:18,116
The salesgirl says
it's a Bransonie original.
60
00:04:18,318 --> 00:04:19,467
One of a kind.
61
00:04:28,838 --> 00:04:30,191
Now, what are we gonna do?
62
00:04:30,398 --> 00:04:33,515
First, thank your mother
for finding a new way to ruin our lives.
63
00:04:33,718 --> 00:04:35,788
Thanks, Mom.
64
00:04:36,118 --> 00:04:37,836
And second, this vacation is over.
65
00:04:38,038 --> 00:04:40,268
Now, help me push the car back
to the bus station.
66
00:04:42,838 --> 00:04:44,908
When does
the next bus to Chicago leave?
67
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,437
Tomorrow.
68
00:04:46,638 --> 00:04:51,951
6Which means you can join us
for our complimentary canoe trip.
69
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:59,788
l can't believe
they didn't lock their door.
70
00:04:59,998 --> 00:05:02,307
Would you lock a landfill?
71
00:05:03,318 --> 00:05:04,876
Oh, poor Lucky.
72
00:05:05,078 --> 00:05:09,196
Look, he's so hungry,
he's chewing on one of Peggy's bras.
73
00:05:09,718 --> 00:05:12,312
Yeah, well,
he's probably looking for crumbs.
74
00:05:16,078 --> 00:05:18,467
Well, Jefferson, let's go home.
75
00:05:18,678 --> 00:05:21,954
lt's Saturday night,
and you know what that means.
76
00:05:23,638 --> 00:05:26,994
The Romanian coach
and the limping gymnast?
77
00:05:31,038 --> 00:05:32,949
We did that last week.
78
00:05:35,758 --> 00:05:37,749
Hey, hey,
how about Woody and Soon-Yi?
79
00:05:37,958 --> 00:05:40,267
-Too much talking.
-Yeah.
80
00:05:41,318 --> 00:05:44,390
l wanna do something
really different.
81
00:05:44,998 --> 00:05:47,876
Something dirty...
82
00:05:48,198 --> 00:05:49,995
...and trashy...
83
00:05:51,678 --> 00:05:53,236
...and cheap.
84
00:05:56,598 --> 00:05:57,872
Peg.
85
00:06:08,278 --> 00:06:10,234
l'm home.
86
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,827
Hi, Al.
87
00:06:21,198 --> 00:06:23,587
Gee, where's dinner?
88
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:28,187
Working its way
through my small intestine.
89
00:06:29,198 --> 00:06:32,508
l'm surprised any part of your body
is willing to work.
90
00:06:35,998 --> 00:06:39,195
Whoever thought being them
could be so much fun?
91
00:06:40,078 --> 00:06:42,546
Al.
92
00:06:43,718 --> 00:06:45,356
l want you to come upstairs...
93
00:06:45,558 --> 00:06:49,392
...and try to last longer
than a new Fox sitcom.
94
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:54,511
Peg, l don't want to.
95
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,231
Who cares what you want?
96
00:06:56,438 --> 00:06:58,508
Pleasure me, shoe drone.
97
00:07:06,598 --> 00:07:08,714
Okay.
l got some more pennies, Dad.
98
00:07:08,918 --> 00:07:10,795
Forget the pennies,
go for the quarters.
99
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,556
There's a silver dollar out there.
100
00:07:12,798 --> 00:07:14,311
Go on out there and get it, Bud.
101
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,634
-Go out there and get it.
-Dad, l'm drowning!
102
00:07:16,838 --> 00:07:17,987
You big baby.
103
00:07:18,198 --> 00:07:21,907
Brain damage doesn't set in
for four minutes. Ask your sister.
104
00:07:23,638 --> 00:07:26,436
What kind of idiots would throw
good money into a fountain?
105
00:07:26,638 --> 00:07:29,835
l hope we meet somebody
really famous...
106
00:07:30,038 --> 00:07:32,916
...like Tammy Wynette.
107
00:07:42,518 --> 00:07:45,590
Spit out the fish.
Spit it up.
108
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,390
Either we all eat
or none of us eat.
109
00:07:47,598 --> 00:07:48,792
l can't breathe.
110
00:07:48,998 --> 00:07:51,637
l know CPR.
111
00:08:01,238 --> 00:08:02,910
Dollar ninety-eight...
112
00:08:03,118 --> 00:08:04,836
...dollar ninety-nine.
113
00:08:05,038 --> 00:08:08,428
Gentlemen, start your fryers,
l'm buffet-bound.
114
00:08:09,598 --> 00:08:12,158
Hey. Hey, you.
115
00:08:12,438 --> 00:08:14,554
Mama, l'm hungry now.
116
00:08:14,758 --> 00:08:17,556
Well, get out your snack, dumpling.
117
00:08:21,278 --> 00:08:24,156
Haven't you ever heard
of sugarless gum?
118
00:08:24,358 --> 00:08:27,748
Oh, no, Mama says
that's the devil's candy.
119
00:08:32,198 --> 00:08:34,189
Sorry, folks, we're closed.
120
00:08:34,398 --> 00:08:36,673
What do you mean you're closed?
You let them in.
121
00:08:36,878 --> 00:08:39,950
And now we've reached
our weight limit.
122
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:44,752
Oh, Peg, l'm starving. This is just like
being at home but with fringe.
123
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,756
Oh, now, Al, so we don't get to eat.
124
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:51,155
l mean, this is Branson. l'm sure we
can find something else fun to do.
125
00:08:51,358 --> 00:08:54,794
Like what?
Like sneaking into Hicks on Ice?
126
00:08:56,558 --> 00:08:58,037
Where are we gonna sleep tonight?
127
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,512
l'm cold, l'm soaked.
128
00:08:59,718 --> 00:09:02,869
The desk clerk just offered
to blow-dry me.
129
00:09:07,078 --> 00:09:10,115
Well, you guys are on your own.
l'm covered.
130
00:09:12,838 --> 00:09:15,477
Sweetheart, l'm surprised at you.
131
00:09:15,678 --> 00:09:17,589
Where have you been?
132
00:09:19,118 --> 00:09:21,313
Come on, Daddy,
l'm not that kind of girl.
133
00:09:21,518 --> 00:09:24,430
l was just gonna slip them a Mickey
and roll them.
134
00:09:24,918 --> 00:09:26,351
That's my pumpkin.
135
00:09:26,558 --> 00:09:28,913
Hey, now, wait a minute.
Nobody's rolling anybody.
136
00:09:29,118 --> 00:09:30,836
We're on vacation.
137
00:09:32,398 --> 00:09:35,117
Look, they're having
a country music talent contest tonight.
138
00:09:35,318 --> 00:09:38,037
Yeah, and the first prize is $500.
139
00:09:38,238 --> 00:09:41,389
-Why don't we enter?
-Because we don't have any talent.
140
00:09:42,198 --> 00:09:43,995
Dad, what are you talking about?
141
00:09:44,198 --> 00:09:46,393
Bud, here, does a solo act
every night.
142
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:53,826
Although he hasn't won a contest
for it since the Cub Scouts, but...
143
00:09:55,758 --> 00:09:58,636
Hey, Al, this talent show
could save our vacation.
144
00:09:58,838 --> 00:10:01,477
We don't know anything
about country music.
145
00:10:01,678 --> 00:10:03,714
We're just poor, simple folk...
146
00:10:03,918 --> 00:10:06,273
...with busted dreams
and a broken Dodge...
147
00:10:06,478 --> 00:10:09,151
...driving down the turnpike of tears.
148
00:10:12,638 --> 00:10:14,947
Let's have a hand for our last entry.
149
00:10:15,158 --> 00:10:19,993
A new mother and daughter
singing sensation, the Juggs.
150
00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:21,278
Well, pickle my eggs.
We got us a winner.
151
00:11:21,478 --> 00:11:24,675
-The Juggs.
-We won, we won.
152
00:11:24,878 --> 00:11:26,630
They won, they won.
153
00:11:26,838 --> 00:11:29,910
Three, four, five hundred dollars.
154
00:11:30,118 --> 00:11:33,474
Actually, l handle the Juggs.
l'm Pa Jugg.
155
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,916
l- l created the Juggs.
156
00:11:36,118 --> 00:11:40,908
Hey, Jughead, l had to sleep
with these jugs to create that jug.
157
00:11:41,278 --> 00:11:44,429
Not only are you gonna open
for Tammy Wynette tomorrow night...
158
00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:47,232
...in the big room,
but if she takes a shine to you...
159
00:11:47,438 --> 00:11:49,952
...she'll take you
on her next world tour.
160
00:11:50,158 --> 00:11:52,831
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
l always wanted to drive to Europe.
161
00:11:53,038 --> 00:11:53,993
Oh, my God.
162
00:11:54,198 --> 00:11:58,589
And l'm gonna make millions
and see the Great Mall of China.
163
00:11:59,638 --> 00:12:02,027
l'll audition the backup singers
and learn to say...
164
00:12:02,238 --> 00:12:05,355
..." Can we try it topless?"
in 40 different languages.
165
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,991
Hey, in Japanese it's:
166
00:12:21,918 --> 00:12:23,476
Al.
167
00:12:23,678 --> 00:12:26,556
-Get me some bonbons.
-Get them yourself.
168
00:12:30,798 --> 00:12:33,995
-Pathetic loser.
-Human tar pit.
169
00:12:34,478 --> 00:12:35,433
Take me.
170
00:12:42,198 --> 00:12:44,871
Oh, l finally understand
why they're still married.
171
00:12:45,078 --> 00:12:48,309
Yeah. Okay, l think we've hit
all the Bundy basics.
172
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,349
-What's left?
-Well...
173
00:12:50,558 --> 00:12:56,394
...we haven't let the dog detail
the D'Arcy's Mercedes lately.
174
00:12:57,358 --> 00:12:59,314
Let's do it. Who's gonna stop us?
175
00:12:59,518 --> 00:13:02,271
That candy-ass Jefferson?
176
00:13:04,638 --> 00:13:07,914
Or Marcy,
that pinstriped henpecker.
177
00:13:12,318 --> 00:13:15,435
Do you ever wonder
why that lazy parasite, Jefferson...
178
00:13:15,638 --> 00:13:18,152
...can never hold down a job?
179
00:13:20,678 --> 00:13:24,034
Other than being Marcy's
human rotisserie, and trust me...
180
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:27,150
...whatever she's paying him,
it's not enough.
181
00:13:28,678 --> 00:13:31,988
Jefferson,
you went past the safe place.
182
00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:36,998
Oh, l'm sorry, lambykins.
183
00:13:37,198 --> 00:13:40,634
You're so good at this,
l got carried away.
184
00:13:41,118 --> 00:13:44,633
-So you were just role-playing?
-Of course.
185
00:13:45,518 --> 00:13:46,837
Get away from me, Peg.
186
00:13:47,038 --> 00:13:49,950
You hopeless Oprah-holic.
187
00:13:51,078 --> 00:13:53,751
-Oh, Al.
-Peg-
188
00:13:55,438 --> 00:13:56,553
Oh, Peg.
189
00:13:57,198 --> 00:14:01,237
There's my little musical meal ticket.
190
00:14:04,118 --> 00:14:05,949
Now, look what l had
made up for you.
191
00:14:07,318 --> 00:14:08,546
They're great, Daddy.
192
00:14:09,158 --> 00:14:11,592
Compliments
of Ms. Tammy Wynette.
193
00:14:11,798 --> 00:14:14,073
You know, Al, l'm so excited
about going on tour...
194
00:14:14,278 --> 00:14:17,236
...but l hate the thought of leaving you
at home for a year.
195
00:14:17,438 --> 00:14:21,716
Your career comes first, pooky.
l don't mind sacrificing.
196
00:14:23,278 --> 00:14:25,587
Mom, Kelly...
197
00:14:26,078 --> 00:14:27,750
...Tom Arnold.
198
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,433
Hey, he earned his money.
199
00:14:35,758 --> 00:14:38,989
l, as your agent, your creator,
the sole reason you exist...
200
00:14:39,198 --> 00:14:41,632
...would like to present to you
your future.
201
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,153
Oh, my God.
202
00:14:46,358 --> 00:14:49,475
Ninety-nine cent shrimp cocktails.
203
00:14:50,118 --> 00:14:53,076
Hey, what's the big deal?
Anybody can put up a sign.
204
00:14:53,278 --> 00:14:56,156
l got your name mentioned
in the Branson Bugle.
205
00:14:56,358 --> 00:14:58,155
Let me see this.
206
00:14:58,758 --> 00:15:00,589
This is so low.
207
00:15:00,798 --> 00:15:03,710
You're both six months pregnant
by Billy Ray Cyrus.
208
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:09,832
Really? Well, then how come
Mom's showing and l'm not?
209
00:15:11,798 --> 00:15:13,356
l am not showing.
210
00:15:13,558 --> 00:15:14,991
And you're grounded.
211
00:15:15,198 --> 00:15:17,507
Calm down, Mom.
lt's bad for the baby.
212
00:15:17,718 --> 00:15:18,753
Hello?
213
00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:20,994
Kelly, you're not really pregnant.
214
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:24,227
We squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?
215
00:15:25,438 --> 00:15:27,394
Bud, you got that sign all wrong.
216
00:15:27,598 --> 00:15:29,236
l shouldn't be your mother.
217
00:15:29,438 --> 00:15:31,952
That's what child welfare said.
218
00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:34,674
Why can't Kelly be the mom?
219
00:15:34,878 --> 00:15:36,106
l can't be your mother.
220
00:15:36,318 --> 00:15:38,548
l mean, that would make me
my own grandmother.
221
00:15:38,758 --> 00:15:42,194
Well, we are in Branson.
These things happen.
222
00:15:42,998 --> 00:15:44,431
Why are you taking her side?
223
00:15:44,638 --> 00:15:46,947
Now, you told me l was the talented,
pretty one.
224
00:15:47,158 --> 00:15:51,117
Hey, and you told me that that stupid,
cheap blond was holding me back.
225
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,752
Wait, you added a stupid,
cheap blond to the act?
226
00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:55,232
Why wasn't l told? Hello.
227
00:15:55,438 --> 00:15:58,828
Now, see, that's the reason
why you shouldn't be the manager.
228
00:15:59,038 --> 00:16:02,713
You are driving a wedge
between the Juggs.
229
00:16:06,118 --> 00:16:07,267
You're fired.
230
00:16:07,478 --> 00:16:08,911
You can't fire me.
231
00:16:09,118 --> 00:16:10,517
Only they can fire me.
232
00:16:10,718 --> 00:16:12,788
-You're fired.
-You're fired.
233
00:16:13,518 --> 00:16:14,746
Fine. And you know what?
234
00:16:14,958 --> 00:16:16,869
You can go on the road with them,
Dad.
235
00:16:17,078 --> 00:16:20,115
You see, it's bad ideas like that
got you fired.
236
00:16:31,438 --> 00:16:34,987
l'm Tammy Wynette, and l wanted to
stop by and meet my new opening act.
237
00:16:35,198 --> 00:16:36,313
Hi.
238
00:16:36,518 --> 00:16:38,031
Which Jugg are you?
239
00:16:38,238 --> 00:16:40,229
She's the junior Jugg.
240
00:16:40,438 --> 00:16:42,508
And she's the Jurassic Jugg.
241
00:16:42,718 --> 00:16:44,515
Now, girls, girls, girls.
242
00:16:44,718 --> 00:16:45,992
l'm Colonel Jugg...
243
00:16:46,198 --> 00:16:48,428
...and it's a thrill to meet you,
Ms. Wynette.
244
00:16:48,638 --> 00:16:50,629
Oh, yeah. We just love your music.
245
00:16:50,838 --> 00:16:54,353
As a matter of fact, Al and l can't
make love without listening to your CD.
246
00:16:54,558 --> 00:16:55,991
As long as you're listening.
247
00:16:56,198 --> 00:16:59,713
Well, she listens.
l stare at your picture.
248
00:17:00,558 --> 00:17:04,267
l'm delighted and disgusted
at the same time.
249
00:17:04,478 --> 00:17:08,266
Well, now you know
what sex with Al is like.
250
00:17:08,678 --> 00:17:11,431
l think it would be cute to have a
mother and daughter duo...
251
00:17:11,638 --> 00:17:12,673
...to open up my show.
252
00:17:12,878 --> 00:17:16,473
Well, you know, actually,
we're more like a sister act.
253
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:19,590
Oh, you do comedy too?
254
00:17:20,718 --> 00:17:22,356
Colonel, handle this.
255
00:17:22,558 --> 00:17:25,152
Hey, you guys, l have an idea.
256
00:17:25,358 --> 00:17:27,314
Ms. Wynette can be our mother.
257
00:17:27,518 --> 00:17:29,395
-Yeah.
-No, l can't.
258
00:17:29,598 --> 00:17:31,270
You don't have to decide right now.
259
00:17:31,478 --> 00:17:34,834
Take them on the road for a year.
Give them a try, free of charge.
260
00:17:35,038 --> 00:17:37,836
Hey, what kind of manager are you?
261
00:17:38,038 --> 00:17:39,073
Yeah, Daddy.
262
00:17:39,278 --> 00:17:41,872
You're fired. Bud, handle this.
263
00:17:46,278 --> 00:17:48,917
Tammy, babe.
264
00:17:50,558 --> 00:17:52,674
Let me put it to you this way.
265
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,108
You give my girls your best shot...
266
00:17:55,318 --> 00:17:58,310
...and l'll give you my best shot.
267
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:02,756
But l thought you were dating
the desk clerk.
268
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:05,711
l read it in the Branson Bugle.
269
00:18:12,238 --> 00:18:14,513
Damn you, Dad.
270
00:18:15,038 --> 00:18:18,428
Tammy, the colonel has a better idea.
Why don't you just take me?
271
00:18:18,638 --> 00:18:21,914
l can't dance, sing, or play an
instrument, but how tough can that be?
272
00:18:22,118 --> 00:18:23,949
Besides, l look great in this outfit.
273
00:18:24,158 --> 00:18:26,035
Forget it, forget it. The deal's off.
274
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:28,706
Oh, Lord, save me
from the wannabes.
275
00:18:28,918 --> 00:18:30,636
Now, you can call us a lot of things.
276
00:18:30,838 --> 00:18:33,955
You can call us worthless, lazy,
sloppy- And that's just the wife.
277
00:18:34,158 --> 00:18:35,352
Right.
278
00:18:35,558 --> 00:18:38,675
But the one thing you can't call us
is wannabes.
279
00:18:38,878 --> 00:18:41,108
We may not be
big country superstars...
280
00:18:41,318 --> 00:18:46,346
...with a big fancy house
or a car that runs or food or...
281
00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:49,595
Oh, my God, we don't have anything.
282
00:18:50,158 --> 00:18:51,273
Not true, son.
283
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:54,072
Lady, we have something
that you'll never have.
284
00:18:54,278 --> 00:18:58,032
What?
Worse foot odour than Boxcar Willie?
285
00:18:58,678 --> 00:19:00,987
Okay two things.
The odour, of course...
286
00:19:01,198 --> 00:19:04,395
...but more importantly,
the security of knowing...
287
00:19:04,598 --> 00:19:08,989
...that we can never fail
because we never try.
288
00:19:13,598 --> 00:19:17,227
You people are nuttier
than a pecan log at Stuckey's.
289
00:19:20,598 --> 00:19:21,553
Now what do we do?
290
00:19:21,758 --> 00:19:23,874
l suppose you're going
to blame this on me.
291
00:19:29,078 --> 00:19:30,306
Excuse me, folks.
292
00:19:31,878 --> 00:19:35,154
Seeing as how you're no longer
on Miss Wynette's tab...
293
00:19:35,358 --> 00:19:37,713
...how do you propose
to settle this bill?
294
00:19:51,078 --> 00:19:53,353
Great vacation, Peg.
295
00:19:54,278 --> 00:19:56,792
The highlight had to be begging
for gas on the corner...
296
00:19:56,998 --> 00:19:59,387
...of Tony Orlando and Dawn.
297
00:20:00,278 --> 00:20:01,427
Quit complaining.
298
00:20:01,638 --> 00:20:04,869
At least you didn't have to take
a canoe trip with the desk clerk.
299
00:20:07,158 --> 00:20:09,388
By the way, Bud,
l gave him our address.
300
00:20:09,598 --> 00:20:11,190
Well, he said he wanted
to write you.
301
00:20:11,398 --> 00:20:14,993
Well, as soon as someone
learns him his letters.
302
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:21,986
You know,
l thought it was great vacation.
303
00:20:22,198 --> 00:20:25,270
l mean, we went to Branson
and told off Tammy Wynette.
304
00:20:25,478 --> 00:20:28,993
lt's kind of like going to Disneyland
and giving Mickey the finger.
305
00:20:30,238 --> 00:20:32,229
Al.
306
00:20:32,438 --> 00:20:35,669
Get back here.
We're not finished yet.
307
00:20:43,518 --> 00:20:45,986
Yes, we are.
308
00:20:47,358 --> 00:20:48,791
Hi.
309
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,317
What you doing?
310
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,636
Oh, it's...
311
00:20:53,838 --> 00:20:57,194
...just a long, boring story.
312
00:20:58,398 --> 00:21:01,868
Does it end with,
"We're degenerate perverts"?
313
00:21:03,758 --> 00:21:05,476
Oh, so you've heard this one. Bye.
314
00:21:08,318 --> 00:21:10,991
Hey, Mom, Dad, wait up. Wait-
315
00:21:11,198 --> 00:21:12,472
Kelly!1
00:00:17,306 --> 00:00:19,422
Dear Lord...
2
00:00:19,706 --> 00:00:24,575
...l know we haven't talked to you
since the 4th of July blowout sale...
3
00:00:25,866 --> 00:00:29,700
...but with three more shopping days
until Christmas...
4
00:00:30,226 --> 00:00:32,421
...we ask you to protect us...
5
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:37,182
...as we stare into the valley
of the shadow of thighs.
6
00:00:40,586 --> 00:00:42,497
-Amen.
-Amen.
7
00:00:47,346 --> 00:00:50,304
Can let go of my hand now, Griff.
8
00:00:50,506 --> 00:00:52,303
Do l have to?
9
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:54,785
Sorry.
10
00:00:54,986 --> 00:00:56,499
All right.
11
00:00:57,546 --> 00:01:00,299
Let's unlock and load.
12
00:01:04,066 --> 00:01:08,059
Help me. Easy. Easy. Easy.
13
00:01:10,066 --> 00:01:13,376
Don't take it. No-
14
00:01:59,546 --> 00:02:02,697
l love Christmas.
Keep them coming, kids.
15
00:02:02,906 --> 00:02:04,897
Oh, could you pass down
some butter?
16
00:02:05,146 --> 00:02:06,784
-Mom.
-You're not supposed to eat it.
17
00:02:08,146 --> 00:02:09,738
Oh, honey.
18
00:02:14,226 --> 00:02:16,615
-How was work?
-Oh, swell, Peg.
19
00:02:16,826 --> 00:02:19,056
You wanna give me
a little hand here?
20
00:02:25,266 --> 00:02:27,860
Say, looks like my size.
21
00:02:28,066 --> 00:02:29,818
Where's the other one?
22
00:02:30,146 --> 00:02:32,057
You don't want to know.
23
00:02:33,546 --> 00:02:35,616
God, l hate Christmas.
24
00:02:35,826 --> 00:02:39,375
Then l guess this wouldn't be
the best time to ask about a tree.
25
00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:42,658
Now, why would l want something
that just sits in the living room...
26
00:02:42,866 --> 00:02:45,460
...and takes up electricity?
l have you for that.
27
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,055
Come on, Daddy.
We want a Christmas tree.
28
00:02:48,266 --> 00:02:50,655
Yeah. Yeah, and l'm not letting you
hang ornaments...
29
00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:52,538
...on me again this year either.
30
00:02:53,466 --> 00:02:56,264
Do Bundy traditions mean nothing
to you people?
31
00:02:56,466 --> 00:02:58,457
So you got a little rash
from the tinsel.
32
00:02:58,666 --> 00:03:00,622
You were beautiful, son.
33
00:03:07,426 --> 00:03:09,303
Oh, no.
34
00:03:13,186 --> 00:03:15,746
Merry Christmas, all.
l just made some Christmas cookies.
35
00:03:15,986 --> 00:03:18,420
Hey, now, give me those.
36
00:03:23,626 --> 00:03:25,696
You ate my sleeve.
37
00:03:31,866 --> 00:03:33,265
Button.
38
00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:38,265
Well, l just came by to tell you...
39
00:03:38,466 --> 00:03:41,026
...that this year,
l am finally going to win...
40
00:03:41,226 --> 00:03:43,376
...the neighbourhood
decorating contest.
41
00:03:43,586 --> 00:03:46,783
What, are you gonna stand out front
and be the Little Drummer Boy?
42
00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:53,456
No, Stench Who Stole Christmas.
43
00:03:54,266 --> 00:03:57,861
l have imported a hand-carved
nativity scene from Bavaria.
44
00:03:58,106 --> 00:04:00,017
Cost me 5 grand.
45
00:04:00,226 --> 00:04:03,298
Don't you think that money would be
better spent on a needy family?
46
00:04:03,506 --> 00:04:05,144
You know, like us?
47
00:04:06,266 --> 00:04:08,939
Just 25 cents a day would make
a world of difference...
48
00:04:09,146 --> 00:04:11,501
...in this little boy's life.
49
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:17,540
Forget it. My holy family is going to
kick every Yuletide ass on the block.
50
00:04:19,466 --> 00:04:21,775
Now, that's some Christmas spirit.
51
00:04:22,026 --> 00:04:24,938
You know, maybe we ought to have
some traditions around here.
52
00:04:25,146 --> 00:04:28,536
-What, Peg, like Christmas dinner?
-Oh, no.
53
00:04:28,786 --> 00:04:31,175
That's been done to death.
54
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:34,982
You know, l saw a gingerbread house
on Oprah today.
55
00:04:35,186 --> 00:04:37,381
Maybe l ought to make one of those.
56
00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:40,305
Does she know
that would require baking?
57
00:04:40,786 --> 00:04:43,061
Not to mention standing up.
58
00:04:43,266 --> 00:04:45,063
l'll show you guys.
59
00:04:45,306 --> 00:04:49,697
l'm going in this kitchen right now
and l'm gonna start baking.
60
00:04:51,106 --> 00:04:55,622
All right. Now, just tell me which one
of these things is the oven?
61
00:04:56,986 --> 00:04:59,022
Tough day, huh, Griff?
62
00:05:02,346 --> 00:05:05,941
-Griff?
-Well, it's a shame the toes don't fit.
63
00:05:08,026 --> 00:05:11,382
Merry Christmas, jingle boobs.
64
00:05:11,826 --> 00:05:13,339
To stop your whining...
65
00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:15,264
...l've got you some holiday help.
66
00:05:15,466 --> 00:05:20,017
Boys. Al, Griff, meet Hal, Biff.
67
00:05:23,226 --> 00:05:25,456
Do they remind you of anyone?
68
00:05:26,746 --> 00:05:29,260
Hootie and One Blowfish?
69
00:05:32,906 --> 00:05:36,103
Okay, teach them
everything you know.
70
00:05:36,306 --> 00:05:39,981
And when those five minutes are up,
get this place straightened up.
71
00:05:41,386 --> 00:05:43,104
Let's huddle.
72
00:05:45,106 --> 00:05:48,223
Hey, l said huddle, not cuddle.
73
00:05:50,146 --> 00:05:54,059
l'm sorry.
Holidays are a lonely time for me.
74
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:58,703
All right. Listen, we've got two young,
eager boys hanging around us.
75
00:05:58,906 --> 00:06:01,943
-You know what that makes us?
-Michael Jackson?
76
00:06:09,426 --> 00:06:12,896
No! Management.
77
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,778
And you know
what management does?
78
00:06:14,986 --> 00:06:16,897
Takes long lunches
and leaves early?
79
00:06:17,106 --> 00:06:18,903
Exactly.
80
00:06:19,106 --> 00:06:21,062
We've trained our whole lives
for this.
81
00:06:24,866 --> 00:06:28,415
-Smells good in here.
-Oh, a gingerbread house.
82
00:06:28,626 --> 00:06:30,742
Oh, no, no. That's not for eating.
83
00:06:30,946 --> 00:06:33,744
This is what you call decorative.
84
00:06:35,946 --> 00:06:37,140
Oh, that's great.
85
00:06:37,346 --> 00:06:40,383
The first time you cook something,
and you won't let us eat it.
86
00:06:40,586 --> 00:06:42,975
Hey, Mom, there's a big crack in it.
87
00:06:43,226 --> 00:06:46,423
Well, yeah. That's because
it's our house.
88
00:06:47,026 --> 00:06:48,744
You see that cotton candy?
89
00:06:48,946 --> 00:06:51,141
That's asbestos.
90
00:06:51,866 --> 00:06:54,175
Hey, that's cool. Can l help?
91
00:06:54,386 --> 00:06:57,901
Well, sure. Why don't you separate
these eggs.
92
00:07:08,106 --> 00:07:11,178
Peggy, oh, my God.
Something horrible has happened.
93
00:07:11,426 --> 00:07:14,224
Mary and Joseph
have been kidnapped...
94
00:07:14,426 --> 00:07:16,576
...from our nativity scene.
95
00:07:17,506 --> 00:07:19,019
Have you guys seen anything?
96
00:07:19,226 --> 00:07:21,615
-No, nothing.
-No, l haven't seen anything.
97
00:07:21,866 --> 00:07:25,700
Well, they pinned this note
on the donkey.
98
00:07:27,746 --> 00:07:32,217
Pay us $500,
or it's drapes for the holy family.
99
00:07:32,866 --> 00:07:34,777
lt's curtains.
100
00:07:37,066 --> 00:07:39,421
That's what they meant. Curtains.
101
00:07:45,826 --> 00:07:48,818
Well, it sounds like
they mean business.
102
00:07:49,026 --> 00:07:52,382
-Are you gonna pay?
-Well, of course we're gonna pay.
103
00:07:52,586 --> 00:07:56,261
-But first we're gonna call the cops.
-No. No cops!
104
00:07:58,426 --> 00:07:59,984
l mean, you don't wanna risk it.
105
00:08:00,186 --> 00:08:02,495
Kidnappers don't like it
when you call the cops.
106
00:08:02,706 --> 00:08:05,459
l'm sure they forgot to put that
in the note.
107
00:08:08,026 --> 00:08:09,015
Bud, Kelly.
108
00:08:09,226 --> 00:08:11,820
-Yeah?
-What?
109
00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:14,494
Will you help us put these up
around the neighbourhood?
110
00:08:19,226 --> 00:08:21,342
Here are your burgers, sir.
111
00:08:22,106 --> 00:08:23,585
They're still warm.
112
00:08:23,786 --> 00:08:25,538
-Well done.
-Thank you, sir.
113
00:08:25,746 --> 00:08:28,419
l said l wanted them well done.
114
00:08:29,746 --> 00:08:32,260
Damn public school system.
115
00:08:32,466 --> 00:08:35,264
You see, this is exactly why
l don't pay taxes.
116
00:08:38,346 --> 00:08:41,224
So, Bundy,
how are your protgs doing?
117
00:08:41,426 --> 00:08:43,815
Well, they're still slightly inflamed...
118
00:08:44,026 --> 00:08:46,779
...but the new employees
are doing well.
119
00:08:49,786 --> 00:08:53,222
Good. You two are fired.
120
00:08:53,426 --> 00:08:56,145
What? What did we do?
121
00:08:56,346 --> 00:08:59,019
lt's what you didn't do.
Will you look at this?
122
00:08:59,226 --> 00:09:01,979
These two kids have done more work
in the last three days...
123
00:09:02,186 --> 00:09:04,541
...than you've done in 25 years.
124
00:09:05,506 --> 00:09:08,225
Well, l pace myself.
125
00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:11,062
-Hal, Biff, you're in charge now.
-Oh, okay.
126
00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:13,734
Fine. You want us out of here?
Fine. Let's go, Griff.
127
00:09:13,946 --> 00:09:17,097
There's gotta be other jobs out there
that pay a lot more than this.
128
00:09:33,186 --> 00:09:36,019
Okay, now, remember,
we don't want them to recognise you.
129
00:09:36,226 --> 00:09:39,855
What, do you think l'm an idiot,
Bud? God.
130
00:09:49,226 --> 00:09:50,659
Hello?
131
00:09:51,226 --> 00:09:55,538
lf you ever want to see
Mary and Joseph alive again...
132
00:09:56,426 --> 00:09:58,462
...drop $500...
133
00:09:59,986 --> 00:10:02,580
...outside the ooz at 9:00.
134
00:10:03,946 --> 00:10:06,665
That's the zoo at 6:00, you moron.
135
00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:10,939
That's the zoo at 6:00, you moron.
136
00:10:12,026 --> 00:10:15,939
Okay. We'll do it, but how do we know
you haven't hurt them?
137
00:10:16,146 --> 00:10:18,023
Tell them to put the statues
on the phone.
138
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:21,582
Good idea. Put the statues on the-
You idiot.
139
00:10:23,906 --> 00:10:25,817
-We're rich, Bud. We're rich!
-What?
140
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:29,257
This is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
141
00:10:29,626 --> 00:10:32,982
Oh, l knew you kids
would get the Christmas spirit.
142
00:10:33,186 --> 00:10:35,780
Hi, Mom. l thought you finished
our gingerbread house.
143
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,300
Well, l did.
144
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:42,785
But l had so much fun that l decided
to bake the whole neighbourhood.
145
00:10:48,586 --> 00:10:50,497
That- This is incredible.
146
00:10:50,706 --> 00:10:53,379
Hey, look. There's old man
Maginty's house.
147
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:57,215
You even got the telescope he uses
to watch me shower.
148
00:10:58,746 --> 00:11:00,498
Mom, what are those two
marshmallows...
149
00:11:00,706 --> 00:11:02,503
...in your bedroom window?
150
00:11:02,706 --> 00:11:05,857
Oh, well, that's Daddy mooning
the D'Arcys.
151
00:11:18,626 --> 00:11:20,105
Bless you.
152
00:11:22,466 --> 00:11:24,616
You know, l'm tired of looking out
for the cops.
153
00:11:24,826 --> 00:11:27,499
l wanna get down to that mall
employment office. Wanna come?
154
00:11:27,706 --> 00:11:29,697
No, l'm fine.
l've got some money put away.
155
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:32,101
What kind of job you gonna find
on Christmas Eve?
156
00:11:32,306 --> 00:11:36,299
Whatever kind of job it is, it can't be
any more humiliating than this.
157
00:11:47,346 --> 00:11:49,780
Hey, mister, are you Santa?
158
00:11:51,266 --> 00:11:53,700
Do l look like Santa?
159
00:11:53,906 --> 00:11:55,817
Well, you're fat.
160
00:11:57,586 --> 00:12:00,020
Well, you're walking.
161
00:12:07,546 --> 00:12:09,855
Al, is that you?
162
00:12:10,066 --> 00:12:13,297
Man, you make one ugly hobbit.
163
00:12:13,506 --> 00:12:16,703
l happen to be the elfineer.
164
00:12:17,626 --> 00:12:20,459
-At least l got a job.
-Well, l got a job.
165
00:12:20,666 --> 00:12:22,418
l thought
you had money put away.
166
00:12:22,626 --> 00:12:25,743
Well, l did, but then l got a corn dog
and a kiddie coke...
167
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,743
...and there went my nest egg.
168
00:12:29,506 --> 00:12:31,064
Well, what kind of job you doing?
169
00:12:31,266 --> 00:12:35,020
l got an executive position
in the overnight-delivery business.
170
00:12:35,226 --> 00:12:39,777
Hey, Blitzen, get your tail back over
to the sled.
171
00:12:40,586 --> 00:12:42,736
Hi, l'm Prancer.
172
00:12:48,306 --> 00:12:50,058
No kidding.
173
00:12:50,626 --> 00:12:54,380
Come on, Blitzen.
lt's time to get into our harness.
174
00:12:57,946 --> 00:13:02,462
What kind of reindeer games
you playing over there, Griff?
175
00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:07,544
One more crack out of you
and l'll kick your curly-toed butt.
176
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:11,216
Well, now, Griff, don't be bitter just
because my job's better than yours.
177
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,579
Mister...
178
00:13:14,786 --> 00:13:17,539
...l don't feel so good.
179
00:13:17,746 --> 00:13:21,898
Son, son, l'm an elf, not a doctor.
180
00:13:25,986 --> 00:13:27,339
This is all your fault.
181
00:13:27,546 --> 00:13:30,504
What were you doing sticking
the statues out the car window?
182
00:13:31,746 --> 00:13:34,977
Well, what were you doing
driving through a tunnel?
183
00:13:35,986 --> 00:13:37,863
l don't know what
the big deal is, Bud.
184
00:13:38,066 --> 00:13:39,704
You don't know what the big deal is?
185
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,579
We beheaded Mary and Joseph.
186
00:13:43,186 --> 00:13:46,019
We're going to jail.
We're going to hell.
187
00:13:48,746 --> 00:13:51,306
Now, this is what
we're gonna do, see?
188
00:13:52,946 --> 00:13:55,619
Now, we're sticking
to our story, see?
189
00:13:56,106 --> 00:13:59,337
We don't know nothing
about no holy family, see?
190
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,815
Well, we'll do time.
191
00:14:03,026 --> 00:14:06,177
No one's sending me up the river
on no nativity rap.
192
00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:08,218
See?
193
00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:10,861
Oh, my God.
194
00:14:11,986 --> 00:14:13,578
Now, keep your yapper shut.
195
00:14:15,426 --> 00:14:17,781
We waited for over an hour
in the snow...
196
00:14:17,986 --> 00:14:19,817
...and those creeps didn't show.
197
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:23,018
lt's- lt's just a contest.
You still have Christmas.
198
00:14:23,226 --> 00:14:26,218
To hell with Christmas. l wanna win.
199
00:14:26,826 --> 00:14:27,975
You see this money?
200
00:14:28,186 --> 00:14:30,859
This is the closest those kidnappers
are gonna to get to it.
201
00:14:31,066 --> 00:14:35,537
l'm gonna hunt that scum down
if it takes every last cent she has.
202
00:14:36,906 --> 00:14:39,466
l'm sure they're very, very sorry.
203
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:41,418
No.
204
00:14:43,106 --> 00:14:45,540
They'll be sorry, all right.
205
00:14:45,746 --> 00:14:50,740
Because when we find them,
l'll tear out their fingernails.
206
00:14:51,426 --> 00:14:53,986
Rip their guts out.
207
00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:57,186
And skin them alive.
208
00:14:58,426 --> 00:15:00,735
We did it.
209
00:15:01,666 --> 00:15:03,338
lt was us.
210
00:15:03,546 --> 00:15:05,423
lt was her!
211
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,784
You're not pinning this one
on me, rat boy.
212
00:15:09,866 --> 00:15:12,858
You stole our statues?
213
00:15:13,066 --> 00:15:15,978
Hey, now, now, now,
calm down, sister.
214
00:15:16,186 --> 00:15:19,735
-We still got your lousy statues.
-Good.
215
00:15:19,946 --> 00:15:23,336
Because if so much as one hair
is missing from their heads-
216
00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:26,900
They don't have any heads.
217
00:15:28,786 --> 00:15:31,300
l can't believe these don't come
in a lower heel.
218
00:15:31,506 --> 00:15:34,737
Oh, they will. Just stand up on them.
219
00:15:45,586 --> 00:15:50,740
Hey, look. lt's Santa's village idiot.
What are you doing here?
220
00:15:51,106 --> 00:15:54,303
l have to use the bathroom, punk.
221
00:15:54,506 --> 00:15:57,862
Don't they have one on the train?
222
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,100
Oh, sure. You guys think you're funny,
don't you?
223
00:16:01,306 --> 00:16:04,218
Well, let me tell you something.
You're looking at your futures.
224
00:16:04,426 --> 00:16:06,576
l don't think so, elf boy.
225
00:16:06,786 --> 00:16:09,619
-This is just a-
-Temporary job.
226
00:16:09,826 --> 00:16:13,785
-Yeah, because we're gonna go to-
-College.
227
00:16:14,066 --> 00:16:17,183
You got a girlfriend?
l'll bet it's a redhead.
228
00:16:17,386 --> 00:16:19,456
How did you know that?
229
00:16:20,386 --> 00:16:22,263
Lucky guess.
230
00:16:22,466 --> 00:16:25,026
Congratulations, boys,
you've peaked.
231
00:16:25,226 --> 00:16:29,902
You're gonna slave away here
day in, day out, year in, year out.
232
00:16:30,106 --> 00:16:32,984
Until one day you'll be close to 50...
233
00:16:33,186 --> 00:16:36,974
...and you'll be an elf
driving a choo-choo.
234
00:16:44,026 --> 00:16:45,698
Oh, my God. What if he's right?
235
00:16:45,906 --> 00:16:48,261
-We gotta get out of here.
-Come on.
236
00:16:48,786 --> 00:16:50,014
What?
237
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,215
-We quit, lady.
-We quit, lady.
238
00:16:51,426 --> 00:16:53,496
What? Wait!
239
00:16:53,706 --> 00:16:56,140
Ladies, please, please.
240
00:16:56,626 --> 00:16:59,220
-Bundy, l gotta talk to you.
-What? You want to rub it in?
241
00:16:59,426 --> 00:17:02,782
Well, that's fine, because firing me
was the best thing you could've done.
242
00:17:02,986 --> 00:17:08,140
Because l have a better job now, with
more responsibility and a big hat too.
243
00:17:08,706 --> 00:17:11,140
So you can take your shoe-store job
and shove it...
244
00:17:11,346 --> 00:17:14,383
...because l have something
that's even more important:
245
00:17:14,586 --> 00:17:17,146
My self-respect.
246
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:25,017
-You can have your job back.
-Thank you.
247
00:17:26,866 --> 00:17:30,176
Excuse me.
We've all been waiting forever.
248
00:17:30,386 --> 00:17:34,618
-But first, a few demands.
-Anything. Just get back to work.
249
00:17:34,826 --> 00:17:37,101
All right. l want you to give
Griff his job back.
250
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,979
Although he's a proud man,
he may not take it.
251
00:17:40,186 --> 00:17:42,336
l'll take it.
252
00:17:51,826 --> 00:17:55,182
-What else, more money?
-Hey, l'm making the demands here.
253
00:17:56,226 --> 00:17:58,217
l also want...
254
00:17:58,466 --> 00:18:00,104
...more money.
255
00:18:00,706 --> 00:18:02,936
And that tree.
256
00:18:04,946 --> 00:18:06,220
No more money.
257
00:18:06,426 --> 00:18:08,337
You can have the tree
after Christmas.
258
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,104
No, no!
259
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,501
Before Christmas.
260
00:18:12,706 --> 00:18:15,459
l'm going to put my foot down.
261
00:18:18,986 --> 00:18:22,695
You drive a hard bargain for a Smurf.
262
00:18:23,506 --> 00:18:25,622
He's an elf.
263
00:18:25,826 --> 00:18:28,579
That's ex-elf.
264
00:18:34,066 --> 00:18:36,057
Damn, it's cold.
265
00:18:41,266 --> 00:18:44,463
l'm freezing my frankincense off.
266
00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:47,578
This is all your fault, "mistletoad."
267
00:18:47,786 --> 00:18:51,415
-Mom, please make her let us go.
-No.
268
00:18:51,626 --> 00:18:53,503
What you did was wrong.
269
00:18:53,706 --> 00:18:58,177
You had no intention of sharing
that ransom money with me.
270
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:02,543
-Here come the judges.
-Merry Christmas, D'Arcys.
271
00:19:02,746 --> 00:19:05,897
l see you've outspent yourselves
as usual.
272
00:19:06,106 --> 00:19:09,064
lt is a beautiful display, though.
273
00:19:09,266 --> 00:19:11,575
So lifelike.
274
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:17,785
Yes, but Mary looks a bit trampy.
275
00:19:20,066 --> 00:19:23,775
Well, l hate to say it,
but l think we may have a winner.
276
00:19:23,986 --> 00:19:26,454
Yes, l won. l won!
277
00:19:26,706 --> 00:19:29,982
Oh, l bought the spirit of Christmas.
278
00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,780
l think she means she brought
the spirit of Christmas.
279
00:19:32,986 --> 00:19:35,136
Oh, yes, to you lovely people.
280
00:19:35,346 --> 00:19:36,779
Wait a minute.
281
00:19:36,986 --> 00:19:39,500
Look at the Bundys' window.
282
00:19:39,706 --> 00:19:42,266
ls that our neighbourhood?
283
00:19:42,466 --> 00:19:45,936
l made it myself out of gingerbread.
284
00:19:46,146 --> 00:19:50,776
Look, Marge, isn't that your father
with his telescope?
285
00:19:53,906 --> 00:19:57,455
Congratulations, Mrs. Bundy.
Here's your trophy.
286
00:19:57,666 --> 00:20:00,624
And a hundred dollars.
287
00:20:04,506 --> 00:20:05,939
Well, thanks.
288
00:20:06,146 --> 00:20:11,345
You know, l haven't won anything
since l was Miss Teenage Wanker.
289
00:20:12,706 --> 00:20:17,018
And you get second prize,
a fruitcake.
290
00:20:20,346 --> 00:20:23,099
Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.
291
00:20:26,386 --> 00:20:28,342
We'll take it.
292
00:20:29,746 --> 00:20:32,658
Yeah, we love fruitcake.
293
00:20:44,626 --> 00:20:46,378
This special report just in.
294
00:20:46,586 --> 00:20:49,180
Hundreds of people are flocking
to the Dan Ryan tunnel...
295
00:20:49,386 --> 00:20:50,785
... to see a Christmas miracle.
296
00:20:50,986 --> 00:20:54,058
Witnesses are saying that the heads
of Joseph and the Virgin Mary...
297
00:20:54,266 --> 00:20:57,383
...appear to be embedded
in the tunnel wall.
298
00:21:01,586 --> 00:21:04,259
Merry Christmas.
299
00:21:07,226 --> 00:21:10,855
Oh, Al, you got a tree.
300
00:21:11,066 --> 00:21:14,058
Oh, Daddy, and before Christmas.
301
00:21:14,266 --> 00:21:17,019
-Oh, honey, how was your day?
-Oh, same old thing, Peg.
302
00:21:17,226 --> 00:21:20,696
Started out in the shoe store,
you know, ended up in the shoe store.
303
00:21:20,906 --> 00:21:22,897
You know, this is the best
Christmas ever.
304
00:21:23,106 --> 00:21:27,304
We got a tree and l won
the neighbourhood decorating contest.
305
00:21:27,506 --> 00:21:30,464
And l- l still have nine toes.
306
00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:32,264
Eight.
307
00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:35,900
Merry Christmas.1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,793
Okay, kids, you know what today is?
2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,117
Mom, don't ask Kelly
tough questions like that.
3
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,117
l know what today is.
4
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,915
lt's the bright sunny part
before tonight.
5
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:20,230
l guess l shouldn't have cleaned
her crib with Easy-Off.
6
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,196
Listen, Slow White...
7
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,638
...it's Dad's birthday.
8
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,274
For I'm a jolly good fellow
9
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,518
For I'm a jolly good fellow
For I'm a jolly good fellow
10
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,154
Who never zips up his fly
11
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,037
Al, l thought
you didn't like birthdays.
12
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,196
Your birthday, Peg.
13
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:54,071
See, l like getting older, because that
means l'm one year closer to death.
14
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:59,433
And it means l'm one year closer
to my successful second husband.
15
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:03,189
-Stepdaddy, yeah.
-Oh, stepdad, stepdad.
16
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,630
Come on, tell us, Mom.
What's he gonna be like?
17
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,239
He's gonna be real cool, right?
18
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,557
And l'll have lots of young
hot stepsisters?
19
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,109
Now, kids, you know the rules.
20
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:17,996
No talking about Lance
until Daddy's on the respirator.
21
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,473
Now, if you're done, l'd like to discuss
the three cardinal rules of my birthday.
22
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,150
Leave me alone, leave me alone,
no sex.
23
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:31,870
Gee, Bud,
sounds like your prom night.
24
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:38,480
As much as l appreciate last year's
lavish gift, a bar of lrish Spring--
25
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,148
With instructional video.
26
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:45,831
l thought it was the perfect gift,
Soap-On-A-Dope.
27
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:51,190
--this year, all l want is to be alone,
having breakfast with my loved ones.
28
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,234
-Oh, Daddy, that's so sweet.
-At the Jiggly Room.
29
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:02,480
Then after work, l'm going to cash in
my free birthday coupons.
30
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:06,277
You're supposed to be under 6
to get this ice cream.
31
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:11,270
Well, if that was in inches,
you could get a double scoop.
32
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,793
Laugh all you want, Peg.
33
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:19,028
Oh, thanks, Al. But after sex last night,
l'm all laughed out.
34
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,112
Speaking of a pig in a blanket...
35
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,117
...l have an lHOP coupon here
l'm not sharing with anybody.
36
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,390
God, old daddy's mean.
37
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,955
Let's make a birthday card
for our new daddy, Lance.
38
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,639
All right.
39
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,558
Oh, boy, that Jiggly Room,
that serves a good breakfast.
40
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,878
Oh, yeah. The melons,
the muffins, the sticky buns.
41
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:22,073
Hey. And the food wasn't bad either.
42
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,276
You guys went to the Jiggly Room
for breakfast?
43
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:26,435
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
44
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,552
We brought you back
an Egg McBig'Un.
45
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,800
Now, that's a Happy Meal.
46
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,192
Yeah, but now
you won't want my gift.
47
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,480
Lunch at the Jiggly Room.
48
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,639
-That's great.
-Yeah, what are we waiting for?
49
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,751
-Come on. lt's almost 1 1 :00.
-Let's go.
50
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,399
Where do you think you're going?
Aren't you open?
51
00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,309
Sorry, ma'am, but unlike your mouth,
we occasionally close.
52
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,552
l want my money back.
53
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:08,436
These shoes fell apart after one day
and l want to know why.
54
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,599
Well, you see, ma'am,
this is a plaid heel with a cork filling.
55
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,588
Whereas you are a giant seal
with a pork filling.
56
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:21,388
You haven't heard the last of this.
57
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,239
What goes around comes around.
58
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:28,149
Well, considering your orbit,
looks like l have about 1 0 more years.
59
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,038
How does this place stay open?
60
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,037
lt doesn't.
61
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,109
-Wow, great birthday cake, Mom.
-Oh, thanks, Bud.
62
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,552
l've been slaving over it for hours.
l'm almost done.
63
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,115
So, what did you get Daddy
for his birthday?
64
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,834
We're gonna tint the windows
on the Dodge.
65
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,950
Great, then no one will know
we're in the car with him.
66
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,678
And what are you gonna get
the man who has nothing?
67
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,111
Me, the gift that keeps on buying.
68
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,952
Mom, you get him that every year
and every year, he returns it.
69
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,874
Actually, he never even unwraps it.
70
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,833
This year, the birthday boy is
gonna take me out to dinner...
71
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,837
...with those stupid coupons he got.
72
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,473
l'm gonna go take a bath.
73
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:24,750
With the cake?
74
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,789
lt's a sponge cake.
75
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,390
Lance loves my sense of humour.
76
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,634
Bud, quick,
somebody stole Dad's car windows.
77
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,513
Come on. Come on.
78
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:49,636
Wild idea here, Kel, but maybe
the windows are in the doors.
79
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,476
What idiot would steal the windows
and then put them in the doors?
80
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,391
God, people call me stupid.
81
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,431
Not just people.
82
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,919
Haven't you seen the way
the dog looks at you?
83
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,235
And you remember that time
your sea monkey spelled ''moron''?
84
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,716
Man, that was great.
85
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,832
But, Al, you're not 62 years old.
86
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,077
l am when l'm being spanked
by a topless birthday clown.
87
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,878
Speaking of spanking, that reminds me.
l got a big date tonight.
88
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:31,675
Well, take off. l'm gonna stick around
till 3:30 and get my overtime.
89
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,998
Damn, these one-hour days
are killing me.
90
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,516
Remember me, Bundy?
91
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,553
-No.
-The one you insulted.
92
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,150
l'm sorry, ma'am. You're gonna have
to be a little more specific.
93
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:52,672
You made fun of my weight.
You called me a giant seal.
94
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,997
Well, let's see. l had four elephants.
95
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,597
l had a rhino
who wanted some flip-flops.
96
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,438
l had a manatee.
97
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,390
No, no, don't remember any seals.
Can you jog my memory?
98
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,555
You know what jog is.
99
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,638
That's what you do
when the ice cream truck is pulling out.
100
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,553
-That's it.
-What? What did l say?
101
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:19,355
Al Bundy, you are charged
with crimes against obesity.
102
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,989
Two, four, six, eight,
don't mak e fun of our weight.
103
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,556
Two, four, six, eight,
don't mak e fun of our weight.
104
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:35,356
One, two, three, four,
you're gonna fall through the floor.
105
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,310
Okay. l get it.
106
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,193
The NO MA'AM guys
sent you guys over here, didn't they?
107
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,879
lt's a birthday gag.
108
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,150
One of you is supposed to
jump out of a cake...
109
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,197
...but you ate it on the way over,
right?
110
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,753
Bundy, we are activists.
111
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,236
Oh, l'd say not quite active enough.
112
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,918
lt so happens we marched yesterday,
shoe schmuck.
113
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,590
ln what, the Million Pound March?
114
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,038
What, Hams Across America?
115
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:17,038
Joke all you want, Bundy.
We've got all night.
116
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,118
l'd love to invite you all
to the Lobster Hut with me...
117
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,835
...but l don't think
l have any coupons for krill.
118
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,868
You're not going anywhere.
119
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:33,519
And just how do you girls
propose to stop an all-city fullback?
120
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,154
Ladies, l believe
we can work this out.
121
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:53,514
You're not grasping the gravity
of the situation, Mr. Bundy.
122
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,508
Oh, l think gravity
has its hands full right now.
123
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,950
We are putting you on trial.
124
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,914
When you are found guilty,
you will be punished.
125
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,439
Yeah!
126
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:07,959
Dip him in chocolate!
127
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,948
lt's my birthday.
l wanna use my coupons.
128
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:16,278
You should have thought about that
before you called me a rhino.
129
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,111
How do you like your flip-flops?
130
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,552
They broke.
131
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,478
l'll get you a new pair right now.
132
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,275
He's making a break for it!
133
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,837
Hey, how come
you get to the read the directions?
134
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,469
Because l can. Now, get in the car.
135
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,798
Kelly.
136
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,273
l know this may be
a new experience for you...
137
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,675
...but why don't you try
the front seat?
138
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,994
Oh, wow, this is so cool.
139
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:01,231
All these knobs and these buttons
and this big wheel.
140
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,757
Does that look
a little more familiar now?
141
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,918
Oh, yeah.
142
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,720
Just get out of the car, okay?
143
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,639
All right.
144
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,797
Now, you put the tint on.
145
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,871
After l roll up the window.
146
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,474
Did l tell you
how pretty you look today?
147
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,473
No.
148
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,877
Good, then the blood
is still reaching my brain.
149
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,675
You're not gonna get away with this,
especially not with juror number two...
150
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,156
...leaving a trail of tamale hots
from the food court.
151
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,718
Do you want us to gag you?
152
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,912
You're already doing that,
but l would like to be blindfolded.
153
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,231
We will now hear
from our first witness.
154
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,877
My name is Matilda
and that man is fatophobic.
155
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,548
-And ugly!
-Look at his hair!
156
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:07,954
Order.
157
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,798
-Big Mac.
-Filet-O-fish.
158
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,752
Steamed vegetables.
159
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:17,557
Okay. A meatball sandwich.
l'll start tomorrow.
160
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:23,034
l first came to Gary's
about two years ago.
161
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,873
l don't understand it.
162
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,878
l was a size 6 before aerobics class.
163
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,595
All that jumping
must have expanded my foot.
164
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,278
Then l see you must have fallen
on your butt a time or two.
165
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,715
How dare you to say that to my face?
166
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,356
l'd say it behind your back, but my
car has only got a half a tank of gas.
167
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,355
What do you say to that, Bundy?
168
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:56,430
Well, l'd say l used heroic restraint,
much like the witness's girdle.
169
00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:02,030
For every insult,
you lose a free meal.
170
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,673
Oh, come on. l didn't mean it.
171
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:07,156
Haven't you ever had something
just slip right out of your mouth?
172
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,470
l suppose not.
173
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,913
Come on,
it's not like l say this stuff all the time.
174
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,714
Are we finished here?
175
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,912
Well, l'm not sure
l like this shade of blue.
176
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,917
l'll tell you what l'll do then.
177
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,429
We'll stand you in front of a mirror.
178
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,995
l'll begin strangling you.
179
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:33,589
When you reach the shade of blue
that is satisfactory to you...
180
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,917
...you yell ''moo'' and l'll stop.
181
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,512
That's it.
l'm taking my business elsewhere.
182
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,676
May l suggest Jenny Craig?
183
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:51,270
With this attitude, you're gonna be
working here for the rest of your life.
184
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,595
Well, take a gander
into the seat next to you...
185
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,189
...if you wanna see
what your future looks like.
186
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:04,919
Come, Penelope.
187
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,396
Let's go some place
where they treat us with respect.
188
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,717
Well, try the moon.
You'll weigh less there.
189
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,359
Just a second here, Peg.
190
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,518
Dexter, get the tranquiliser gun.
191
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,280
l'm afraid we're gonna have to tag
and release this one.
192
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,991
Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
193
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,553
l want a balloon.
194
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,035
You've already got one.
195
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,957
No more. No more.
l can't take any more.
196
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,118
Feeling bad, aren't you, Mr. Bundy?
197
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,436
My coupons.
198
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,151
You are incorrigible.
199
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,193
All right.
l am ready to announce my verdict.
200
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,233
Now, just a second, Judge Cheeto.
201
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,872
Now, l demand equal time.
202
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,072
Speaking of Equal,
you really ought to try some.
203
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,795
l would give you equal time...
204
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:09,278
...but who would be so loathsome
and horrid as to defend you?
205
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,436
Oh, Al.
206
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,200
Peg, thank God you're here.
207
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,951
Gee, Al, you really are tortured
by your customers.
208
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:24,029
We are trying to teach this man that his
behaviour towards us is unacceptable.
209
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,232
But a better use of time would be
to teach each other the words:
210
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,556
'' No, thank you, l'm full.''
211
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,273
Does he ever stop?
212
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:34,959
Only in bed.
213
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,720
-But he never really gets started so--
-Peg...
214
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,310
...Peg, tell them about the time
l let your mother come live with us.
215
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,795
l'll take care of this.
216
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,638
You can't believe
how rude he was to her.
217
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,990
So she's big-boned as well.
218
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:54,992
You know, inside her, there's
a thin woman just dying to get out.
219
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,236
We all say that.
220
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,671
No, there really is.
221
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,754
Last Thanksgiving,
she ate my Aunt Edna.
222
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,950
l told her not to stand
so close to the pies.
223
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,037
That happens.
224
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,711
l lost a kindergarten class that way.
225
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,356
And l'm on trial.
226
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,517
Okay, now brace yourself.
l'm gonna pull it off on three, okay?
227
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,392
Three!
228
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,032
All right.
Should we try the blowtorch again?
229
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,550
Anything but that again.
230
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,357
All right. Well, l still think that
the razor worked the best.
231
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,311
l don't have any eyebrows left.
232
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,359
Sure you do. Here you go.
233
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,878
Look, Dad's gonna be home
any second.
234
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,310
We gotta get these bubbles out.
235
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,799
Fine.
236
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,679
Good, Bud, nice time for a nap.
237
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:33,511
Bud? Bud, wake up.
238
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,359
Darn it.
239
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:48,991
Bad Bud. Bad Bud.
240
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,989
Mrs. Bundy,
has your husband ever shown...
241
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,112
...any compassion
towards large women?
242
00:16:55,320 --> 00:17:00,872
Well, he did like that big mom
on What's Happening...
243
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,436
...but then, he even made fun of her.
244
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,437
Traitor!
245
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,198
Al, l'm under oath.
246
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,279
Oath?
You swore on a stack of pancakes.
247
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,436
l've heard enough.
248
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:20,589
Al Bundy, l find you guilty
of excessive cruelty to large women.
249
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,439
You should see
what he's like with midgets.
250
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,030
The proper term is '' little people.''
251
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,949
Well, that's the proper term
for anyone standing next to you.
252
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,758
That's it.
253
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:40,034
Hey. That's our dinner coupons,
you fat cow.
254
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,438
No, no, no,
we don't like to be called fat.
255
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,029
Then stay home.
256
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,232
You go girl.
257
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,436
Let the punishment begin.
258
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,873
Since it's your birthday and you love
the Jiggly Room so much...
259
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,789
...we decided
to bring the Jiggly Room to you.
260
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:22,870
But all the wrong things are jiggling.
261
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:30,556
No, stop. Stop. Stop.
262
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:35,119
l have a confession to make.
263
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,990
l was once overweight.
264
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,832
Yes, it's true.
265
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,634
l was in my early teens.
266
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,391
'' Blubber-Butt Bundy,''
they called me.
267
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,512
They used to stick notes
to the back of my husky pants...
268
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,110
...draw mean pictures of me,
put a cowbell around my neck.
269
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,550
Kids can be so cruel.
270
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,035
Those were my parents.
271
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,673
So l guess what l'm trying to say
is that l make fun of you...
272
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,312
...because l'm trying to deny
my own pain.
273
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:22,471
Al Bundy, we are dropping
all charges against you.
274
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:27,549
Thank you,
my metabolically-challenged chums.
275
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,795
ln fact,
we are gonna put out the word...
276
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,470
...that Gary's Shoes
is a friend to the large.
277
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,433
Oh, you don't have to do that.
278
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:45,749
lt's just nice to realise that we really
are no different from each other.
279
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:50,511
You're right. We're exactly the same.
280
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,430
You know,
the only difference is l stopped eating!
281
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,788
Oh, Al, l never knew that about you.
282
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,116
Peg, l lied.
283
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,276
Just like l tell you
your hair isn't ridiculous.
284
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,675
l should be furious at you.
285
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,155
But since it's your birthday,
let's just go home...
286
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,316
...and l'll tuck you in with
some Big 'Uns.
287
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:20,554
Oh, Peg, my Big 'Uns or yours?
288
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,948
Your Big 'Uns, Al.
289
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,230
Thanks, Peg.
290
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,752
Peg, you know, l gotta tell you...
291
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,918
...spending eight hours
looking at fat women...
292
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,990
...you don't look half bad.
293
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,191
Oh, honey.
294
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,199
Oh, Al.
295
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,233
Oh, Peg.
296
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,671
Oh, Lance.
297
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,911
How did you replace
Dad's window so fast?
298
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,838
Jefferson, get out of the tanning bed.
299
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,191
Someone stole the window
to my Mercedes.
300
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,595
Happy birthday!
301
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,157
Hey, thanks, kids.
302
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,796
Hey, this turned out to be
a pretty great birthday after all.1
00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:06,649
You know l'm not one
to beat around the bush.
2
00:00:06,860 --> 00:00:08,691
Unless, of course, you're in it.
3
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:11,933
So l'll make this fast.
4
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,694
Like you know any other way.
5
00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:18,971
l'm planning a get-together for the guys
and you're going to help me.
6
00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:22,456
Oh, God, Al.
Didn't l just get all dressed up...
7
00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:25,732
...so l could go to some tired party
and impress your friends?
8
00:00:25,980 --> 00:00:28,778
That was the senior prom, Peg.
9
00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:32,493
And you were only in your dress
for 20 minutes.
10
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:35,294
Now, there's a big wrestling show
on cable Saturday night.
11
00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:37,496
-ls it pay-per-view?
-No.
12
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:39,452
lt is now.
13
00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:43,773
Oh, come on, Peg. You want me
to look stupid in front of my friends?
14
00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:49,338
The same friends who use Silly Putty
to give Nancy and Sluggo hooters?
15
00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:53,572
Well, at least those hooters
are fun to play with.
16
00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:58,690
Look, Al, it's not like l don't want
to help you, but l'm very busy.
17
00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:00,777
You think l just sit here all day long?
18
00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:02,777
No, no, Peg. No.
19
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:07,531
From the potholes in the couch,
l'd say you sit here, and you sit here.
20
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:12,018
l don't sit there,
that's where l put my food.
21
00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:53,779
Caramel corn on the cob.
22
00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:56,454
Needs more butter.
23
00:01:57,340 --> 00:02:01,538
Today on Oprah,
a clean house is a safe house.
24
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:02,809
Yeah, right.
25
00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:32,978
l'm home.
26
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:36,411
Oh, Peg, don't-- Don't get up.
27
00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:40,618
What's that? A beer? Sounds good.
28
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,415
No, let me get it.
29
00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:46,055
Way to home-make, Peg.
30
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,737
What am l complaining about?
There's food and her mouth is shut.
31
00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:06,374
For future reference,
the next time a producer asks you...
32
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:10,289
...what your method is,
please don't say the sponge.
33
00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:15,738
Well, at least my form of birth control
isn't Miss Piggy sheets.
34
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:17,976
-l do not use Miss Piggy sheets.
-Yes, you do.
35
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:23,419
Kids, kids. Keep it down. Keep it down.
Your mother needs her rest.
36
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,816
The house is a mess,
and the family's starving.
37
00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:29,215
Her work here is done.
38
00:03:29,860 --> 00:03:32,055
Dad, Mom doesn't look so good.
39
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,134
You should see her
without her mask.
40
00:03:36,820 --> 00:03:41,610
Look at this TV Guide. The last
chocolate stain was at 3:00 today.
41
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:44,415
She's obviously been
unconscious for hours.
42
00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:48,573
Hey, and look. There's a dent
on the coffee table like--
43
00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:52,170
Like it's been hit
by a big, hard hairdo.
44
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:57,050
Listen, Nancy Drool
and Hardly Boy...
45
00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,930
...it's impossible for your mother
to have fallen.
46
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:04,179
That would mean that at some point,
she would have to have been standing.
47
00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:08,497
Mom stands. l saw her the other day.
48
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:13,293
That was just to shake
the crumbs out of her cleavage.
49
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:17,615
Dad, look, a bonbon stain.
50
00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:20,215
Mom must have slipped on one.
51
00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,339
l got it.
52
00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:28,774
Nice try, punk.
53
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:32,775
Hey, Mom needs one of those guys.
54
00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:36,859
The ones that make you take your
clothes off when you go to their office.
55
00:04:37,340 --> 00:04:38,898
Principal?
56
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,695
Your mother doesn't need a doctor.
She's breathing. She's fine.
57
00:04:45,940 --> 00:04:49,489
Now relax
and let Daddy enjoy his weekend.
58
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,330
Oh, my God.
59
00:04:58,300 --> 00:04:59,813
Damn.
60
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:05,536
Am l in hell?
61
00:05:06,460 --> 00:05:08,610
No, if you were in hell,
you'd be on a throne...
62
00:05:08,820 --> 00:05:11,050
...and the devil would be packing.
63
00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:16,739
Who are you people?
l don't recognise you at all.
64
00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:22,575
Well, in that case,
thanks for stopping by. See you soon.
65
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:30,859
Hey, l don't even know who l am.
l don't know anything.
66
00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:33,130
Only thing you have to know
is Route 55...
67
00:05:33,340 --> 00:05:35,251
...is the quickest way out of town.
68
00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:41,216
Oh, my God. Mom has lndonesia.
69
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:43,810
Now, now, Kelly,
don't bother the nice lady.
70
00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:45,533
She's just on her way out.
71
00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:48,777
-Where am l going?
-You're going to see your family.
72
00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:51,540
They must miss you.
You seem like a very nice person.
73
00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:55,653
-Have a nice life.
-Oh, no. Now Dad's got it.
74
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:58,255
No, no. We are your family.
75
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,968
See, l'm your daughter, Kelly...
76
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:05,856
...and this is your son, Quasimodo.
77
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:10,450
Speaking of humps...
78
00:06:11,460 --> 00:06:14,054
...why don't we tell Mommy
your nickname?
79
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:15,693
The Little Fur Maid.
80
00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:21,171
You know,
l don't remember any of you.
81
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:24,372
But if you say you're my family,
l guess it's true.
82
00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:29,091
Why would we lie about something
the courts have ruled on repeatedly?
83
00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:31,253
Feeling better, Mom?
84
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:34,532
Well, Quasi, my head kind of hurts...
85
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,336
...and l'm starving.
86
00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:38,655
Aren't you guys hungry?
87
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:41,095
You know we're hungry.
88
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:44,497
Well, why don't l make
some dinner then?
89
00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:51,928
Mom's cooking?
l'm going to call the doctor.
90
00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:54,700
Touch that phone, l'll kill you.
91
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,698
Kids, now that
we've retrained Mommy...
92
00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,812
...l've come up with a schedule
to maximise her productivity.
93
00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:03,659
There are three of us.
94
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:07,091
Mommy can only work
24 hours a day.
95
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,773
Why?
96
00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,610
There are two of us.
97
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,931
So let's divide this up evenly.
98
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:23,496
l get Mommy for 23 hours.
99
00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:27,528
You get her for one.
100
00:07:28,420 --> 00:07:30,376
Well, that's not fair.
101
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,969
l-- l love Mommy more.
102
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:34,974
No, l love Mommy more.
103
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:38,769
But l'm the only one
who had to love Mommy.
104
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,816
There's not even time
for Mom to go to bed.
105
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,659
Now you see
the brilliance of my schedule.
106
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:50,498
Hey, you guys have got to see how
clean Mom got the bathroom upstairs.
107
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:53,851
Did you know
that there's a window above the sink?
108
00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:58,808
Kell, there's--
There's no window in the bathroom.
109
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,499
Yes, there is.
110
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:02,452
lt looks into the house next door.
111
00:08:02,660 --> 00:08:07,415
You know, there's this girl there
who looks exactly like me.
112
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:15,049
Every time l look over there,
she's always staring at me.
113
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,736
Maybe she's a lesbian.
114
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,576
Maybe she's an idiot.
115
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:34,775
She does kind of have
this really stupid look on her face.
116
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:39,129
Come on. l'll show you.
l hope she's home. Come on.
117
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:43,689
Hi, Al. l got all the stuff
for your wrestling party.
118
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:46,778
Oh, except those
special french fries that you love.
119
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:50,097
l thought l'd just crinkle-cut them
myself. ls that okay?
120
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:54,259
Well, l'll let it slide, Peg,
since you're still recovering.
121
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,809
You know, l am a little tired.
122
00:08:57,020 --> 00:09:00,251
Are you sure that l don't
sleep at all?
123
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,734
-Ever?
-lt's odd, isn't it?
124
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:10,295
Well...
125
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,810
...there's just so much to relearn.
126
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:17,976
Let's see, l think l've got it though.
l love housekeeping.
127
00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:20,535
l hate shopping,
except for groceries...
128
00:09:20,780 --> 00:09:24,898
...and l can't stand
that stupid Oprah Winfrey Show.
129
00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:29,974
Very good, honey.
Now, there's just one more thing.
130
00:09:30,180 --> 00:09:31,932
You hate sex.
131
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,774
Don't want it. Have no use for it.
132
00:09:36,060 --> 00:09:39,291
l know it's tragic, but l've learned
to live with it many years ago.
133
00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:42,380
That's why you have to go
to the Jiggly Room.
134
00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:44,053
That's it.
135
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:47,852
-To spare you.
-Al, you are such a good husband.
136
00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:51,735
You have been so patient with me.
And l got you a copy of Big 'Uns.
137
00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:55,899
l cut out all the articles,
so they won't slow you down.
138
00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:04,212
Oh, baby, you're the greatest.
139
00:10:18,820 --> 00:10:22,495
How does she get them
so crinkolicious?
140
00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:26,654
l could really learn
to love that woman.
141
00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:29,258
Hey, Daddy.
142
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:32,611
You-- You might not remember this...
143
00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:35,857
...but before your accident...
144
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,938
...you had promised me a new car.
145
00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,577
Pumpkin,
you might not remember this...
146
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:48,410
...but Mommy is the vegetable
in the family.
147
00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:52,012
Oh, right.
148
00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:57,848
Well, the other one.
149
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,977
Pumpkin, can you see
who's at that door?
150
00:11:11,340 --> 00:11:13,012
No.
151
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:16,650
Maybe l need glasses.
152
00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:22,337
Okay, Al.
153
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,378
l'm here.
154
00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:32,817
Hey, hey, hey, do l smell...
155
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:34,214
...food?
156
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,568
Jefferson, my man,
l got more food stuck in my teeth...
157
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,658
...than my colon's seen
in many a year.
158
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,816
Thanks for sharing that, Al.
159
00:11:44,020 --> 00:11:46,375
Oh, l'm not sharing it.
160
00:11:47,420 --> 00:11:49,331
You-- You seem happy, Al.
161
00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:52,333
lt's a miracle, buddy. Behold.
162
00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:54,496
Oh, Peg.
163
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,977
Excuse me,
while l just rinse out these gloves.
164
00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:02,297
You know, considering
what a good housekeeper l am...
165
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,651
...that shower drain was just filthy.
166
00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:07,657
There's a drain?
167
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:11,375
What's going on?
168
00:12:11,580 --> 00:12:15,368
Head injury, amnesia, reprogramming,
crinkle fries. Don't tell Marcy.
169
00:12:16,020 --> 00:12:19,410
Oh, Peg, this is our
next-door neighbour, Jefferson.
170
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:22,811
Oh, the free-loading gigolo.
171
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:26,019
Would you like to try some bologna
l made from scratch?
172
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:31,453
lt's part of the cavalcade of cold cuts
l'll be serving at Al's wrestling party.
173
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:37,132
Hey, is that radish carved
in the shape of Hulk Hogan?
174
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,815
Well, nothing's too good for my Al.
175
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:44,779
Speaking of that, l'm about to do
another load of underwear.
176
00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:47,414
Did you give me all your yellows?
177
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:51,810
Sure did, honey.
178
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,495
Hey, where do l have to hit Marcy
to make her like that?
179
00:12:57,980 --> 00:13:00,619
Just hit her a new place every day.
180
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,532
Jefferson...
181
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,897
...you worthless cabana boy.
182
00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:17,614
l told you six times to wash
the Mercedes and it's still filthy.
183
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,456
ls that pine freshness?
184
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:24,134
Hey, my shoes aren't sticking.
185
00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:25,449
What's going on?
186
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,260
-ls someone else here?
-No, not really, Peg.
187
00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:32,738
l was just-- Just tipping the paperboy.
Thank you, sonny.
188
00:13:36,340 --> 00:13:38,217
Now, don't be rude, Al.
189
00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:41,856
Perhaps the paperboy would like
some homemade peach cobbler.
190
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:44,089
Okay.
191
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:48,976
l know l'm not in a parallel universe
because Jefferson would be working...
192
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:52,377
...and Al's fly would be zipped.
193
00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:54,611
So, what the hell is going on?
194
00:13:54,860 --> 00:13:56,054
Oh, well, it's very simple.
195
00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:58,694
l bumped my head,
and now my loving husband Al...
196
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:02,336
...is helping me to regain
my former personality.
197
00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:05,528
-Really?
-Here we go.
198
00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:07,538
Al, you monster.
199
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,977
Look, l can't let this happen.
There's something you have to know.
200
00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:14,092
Yes, there is. l forgot to tell you
that among other things...
201
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:18,498
...you love to wash and detail cars,
especially Mercedes.
202
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:21,373
Right, Marcy?
203
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:27,851
Right.
204
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:38,090
Oh, Peggy, you don't have to do that.
Chamois lint.
205
00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:42,653
Sorry. Oh, and l'm sorry
l didn't finish re-glazing your bathtub.
206
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,532
l'll do it when you're sleeping.
207
00:14:44,740 --> 00:14:48,050
Do you sleep?
Because Al says good women don't.
208
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:52,456
Oh, l can't stand this another minute.
Look, Peggy...
209
00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:54,457
...Al has brainwashed you.
210
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,453
You are not cheerful, tidy
and hard-working.
211
00:14:57,660 --> 00:15:00,174
You are rude, mean and sloppy.
212
00:15:01,580 --> 00:15:05,539
You're a horrible wife, a worse mother,
and proud of it.
213
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,658
l beg your pardon?
214
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,937
Peggy. And l say this with love.
215
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,133
You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.
216
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:25,097
And you are a bitter woman,
Marcy D'Arcy.
217
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,894
You see my loving,
picture-perfect family...
218
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:30,819
...and suddenly, your pretty boy
husband and foreign car...
219
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,176
...don't seem so spiffy, do they?
220
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:37,612
Well, your jealous lies aren't going
to get to Mrs. Al Bundy. Good day.
221
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:42,094
Peggy, wait.
222
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:46,532
And for future reference,
my Al prefers his paper on the porch...
223
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,930
...not in the bushes.
224
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,612
Remember that,
or we'll tell your supervisor.
225
00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:59,819
Hey, nice job peeling these grapes,
Peg.
226
00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:03,738
Al, l have been lied to
and manipulated.
227
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:06,973
l can explain, Peg.
228
00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:10,051
l can't believe what Marcy just said.
229
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:12,649
How can anybody
be so vicious and cruel?
230
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:16,176
She lies, Peg. She lies.
231
00:16:17,180 --> 00:16:20,729
l know, Al. She's trying to tear apart
our happy family.
232
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:23,977
You know, l think she wants you.
233
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:28,258
She has been stalking me, Peg.
234
00:16:28,460 --> 00:16:31,896
You may have to kill her.
There's a chain saw in the garage.
235
00:16:33,140 --> 00:16:34,892
Oh, Al, l'm so mad.
236
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,809
l'm just so mad l could bake.
237
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,777
May l suggest...
238
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:45,011
...pudding in a cloud?
239
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:49,975
Eat up, boys. The little woman's
bringing plenty more.
240
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:52,933
So you finally dumped Peg, huh?
241
00:16:53,620 --> 00:16:57,010
Better. l tamed the shrew.
242
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,494
Welcome, everyone.
243
00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:06,499
What's wrong?
244
00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:08,571
Do l need to freshen
the weenie tots?
245
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:11,618
Oh, no, no, no.
Everything's great, honey.
246
00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:14,090
Yeah. lt sure is, Peg.
247
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,212
Say, how did you get
these margaritas so frothy?
248
00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:21,612
Well, l have this battery-operated
cocktail stirrer.
249
00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:25,495
l found it in my nightstand.
250
00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:33,975
Here we go.
251
00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:42,574
Wow, look what happened to Marcy.
252
00:17:43,820 --> 00:17:48,530
l don't know what you guys are doing,
but please come do it to my wife.
253
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:53,851
This isn't Marcy. This is Sally.
She's going to be our ring girl.
254
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:56,568
What is going on here?
255
00:17:56,860 --> 00:17:59,169
Al, l hate to accuse you of this...
256
00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:03,339
...but did you sleep with Peggy?
257
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:07,457
Are you crazy? That would violate
our first commandment.
258
00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:11,050
Thou shall never covet thy own wife.
259
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:16,300
Oh, hey, hey,
the undercard's starting, everybody.
260
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:21,730
Here we go. Oh, yes, yes.
261
00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:25,178
l think you better rearrange those.
262
00:18:31,460 --> 00:18:35,089
-How's that?
-Oh, better. Much, much better.
263
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:37,818
Oh, Al.
264
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:42,252
-She's every man's fantasy, huh?
-She sure is.
265
00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:45,938
Hey, Peg.
266
00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:49,773
-What are you doing?
-Greasing my muffin tins.
267
00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:52,369
Hey, can l grease a couple?
268
00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:53,979
Thanks, honey. But, you know...
269
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,292
...you have to spread them just right
or they won't rise.
270
00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:00,856
Well, that's not going to be
a problem.
271
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,419
Come on, Al.
272
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:08,011
Fat Snoopy Schwartz just bit the nobs
off the human trash compactor.
273
00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:12,936
Boy, you sure know your way
around a rolling pin.
274
00:19:13,140 --> 00:19:14,778
Oh, it's easy, Al.
275
00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:16,811
You just grab it with both hands...
276
00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:21,969
...and go back and forth,
back and forth.
277
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:25,536
Peg. You're driving me crazy.
Let's go upstairs.
278
00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:29,090
Oh, Al, you're terrible.
We're hosting a party.
279
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,531
Besides, you told me
that l don't like sex.
280
00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:34,492
l'll make it quick.
281
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,849
Wow, you just got out of prison?
282
00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:48,172
That means you haven't had sex
for a long time.
283
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:53,698
Nothing that l care to discuss.
284
00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:03,818
-Oh, Al.
-Oh, yes.
285
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:06,849
Oh, yuck.
286
00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:11,258
-Oh, Al.
-Oh, yes.
287
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:14,333
Oh, Al.
288
00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:17,293
Oh, Al.
289
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,536
Don't move.
290
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,537
She's back. Grab your weenie tots
and run for your lives.
291
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:27,979
l'm gonna kill you.
292
00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:29,733
How could you brainwash me?
293
00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:34,491
l can't believe l've actually cooked,
and cleaned, and crinkled.
294
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:37,260
Al Bundy, l feel so violated.
295
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:40,460
Al-- Al Bundy? ls that my name?
296
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:43,535
Who are you?
297
00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:45,810
Gosh, you're a pretty woman.
298
00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,495
Nice try, Al.
299
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:50,772
There is only one punishment
severe enough for you.
300
00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:53,659
No smiley face
on my omelette tomorrow?
301
00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:56,250
No omelette, just toast?
302
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:58,298
No toast at all?
303
00:20:58,500 --> 00:20:59,649
Upstairs.
304
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:01,896
Why, Peg, why?
305
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:05,456
-There's no-- There's no food upstairs.
-Oh, don't worry, Al.
306
00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:08,458
When l'm done with you,
you won't have any appetite at all.
307
00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:10,491
l know.
308
00:21:17,620 --> 00:21:20,373
Don't go away. We'll be right back.
309
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:25,615
Hey, Bud,
l'd like you to meet the girl next door.1
00:00:10,998 --> 00:00:12,272
Peg, l got a problem.
2
00:00:12,478 --> 00:00:14,708
Nails drying.
3
00:00:14,918 --> 00:00:18,991
For once, why couldn't it be
pie cooling, bread baking?
4
00:00:19,958 --> 00:00:22,347
Divorce pending?
5
00:00:23,758 --> 00:00:28,673
Look, Al, l am up from noon till Oprah,
solving this family's problems...
6
00:00:28,878 --> 00:00:30,789
...and now l'm tired. l need a nap.
7
00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,432
Kelly, come hold my hands up.
8
00:00:35,558 --> 00:00:36,991
Dad.
9
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,030
Now, l'll listen to your problem
if you help me with mine.
10
00:00:41,238 --> 00:00:45,311
Son, your problems are simple.
Just avoid liquids past 9:00.
11
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:50,312
Dad, l'm not 16 anymore, all right?
12
00:00:51,038 --> 00:00:55,270
Life is a little more complicated.
l'm having serious girl trouble.
13
00:00:55,478 --> 00:00:57,946
Well, me too, Bud,
and it's going to remain that way...
14
00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:01,753
...unless the couch suddenly
develops a taste for human flesh.
15
00:01:02,318 --> 00:01:06,675
Dad, please. Now, lately l can't get
any girl to go out with me.
16
00:01:06,878 --> 00:01:10,473
Oh, now, Bud, l find that
hard to believe. l mean, look at you.
17
00:01:10,678 --> 00:01:13,590
But then again,
looks aren't everything.
18
00:01:14,358 --> 00:01:17,794
Personality is important,
so we'll skip that.
19
00:01:19,158 --> 00:01:21,547
So basically,
you have nothing to offer a woman.
20
00:01:21,758 --> 00:01:24,955
Son, what you have to do is lower
your standards. Think desperate.
21
00:01:25,158 --> 00:01:30,186
Think a single version of your mother.
22
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:35,868
Thanks, Dad, thanks. Now l never, ever,
ever want to have sex again.
23
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,828
Welcome to the club, son.
24
00:01:40,478 --> 00:01:44,073
Let's talk about my problem.
My boss, Gary, is crankier than ever.
25
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:47,793
She's been riding me
like a cheap carnival pony.
26
00:01:47,998 --> 00:01:51,388
"Wait on the customers,
ring up the bills, don't steal."
27
00:01:52,118 --> 00:01:54,268
What a shrew.
28
00:01:55,038 --> 00:01:58,155
Bud, this father-son stuff ain't bad.
We ought do this more often.
29
00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:51,276
So are you going to settle on those,
ma'am? They look beautiful on you.
30
00:02:51,478 --> 00:02:55,471
Don't try those high-pressured
sales tactics on me.
31
00:02:56,718 --> 00:03:00,188
l really thought this mule
would look better in white.
32
00:03:00,398 --> 00:03:03,310
l bet that's what her husband said
on her wedding day.
33
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,754
Do you have it in black?
34
00:03:06,958 --> 00:03:09,313
Ma'am, l would really
love to help you now...
35
00:03:09,518 --> 00:03:13,033
-...but l just went on break.
-Well, what about him?
36
00:03:13,238 --> 00:03:15,911
Sorry, ma'am, l'm still on break.
37
00:03:16,678 --> 00:03:20,671
And just when exactly
is your break over?
38
00:03:20,878 --> 00:03:22,834
Well, it was gonna be
another 30 seconds...
39
00:03:23,038 --> 00:03:26,428
...but now that l just helped
a customer, l got to start all over.
40
00:03:28,318 --> 00:03:30,115
Rules are rules.
41
00:03:35,558 --> 00:03:38,994
You know what we need, Griff?
A break room.
42
00:03:39,198 --> 00:03:42,156
So we won't be bothered
by these hammertoed hags.
43
00:03:42,358 --> 00:03:45,316
-Men, l need to speak with you.
-See what l mean?
44
00:03:45,998 --> 00:03:48,637
Oh, let me take a wild guess.
You're on a break?
45
00:03:48,838 --> 00:03:52,035
Don't interrupt us,
or we'll have to start over.
46
00:03:52,238 --> 00:03:56,834
-You two are completely useless.
-We've noticed that ourselves.
47
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,632
We don't feel
that we're properly motivated.
48
00:04:00,838 --> 00:04:02,715
Do you know
what would motivate us?
49
00:04:02,918 --> 00:04:04,874
A cattle prod?
50
00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:08,317
Well, yes, that, of course...
51
00:04:08,518 --> 00:04:11,635
...but l was thinking
more in the line of a break room.
52
00:04:11,838 --> 00:04:14,955
Oh, yes, a break room.
53
00:04:15,158 --> 00:04:18,036
And l could throw in a big screen TV
and a fridge full of beer.
54
00:04:18,238 --> 00:04:23,153
Hey, you're the boss.
55
00:04:24,678 --> 00:04:28,830
Yes, l am. And before l build you
that dreamy break room...
56
00:04:29,038 --> 00:04:33,793
...we're going to find out why
sales are down 500 percent this year.
57
00:04:35,158 --> 00:04:37,308
Could it be the strength
of the deutsche mark...
58
00:04:37,518 --> 00:04:39,748
...in today's international economy?
59
00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:44,551
Women are walking less?
60
00:04:48,878 --> 00:04:52,188
Nice try. Sit down, shut up.
61
00:04:52,398 --> 00:04:54,753
We three
are going to go over the books.
62
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,636
Boy, that was close.
We almost got busted.
63
00:04:58,838 --> 00:05:01,875
Yeah. Good thing
we don't keep any books.
64
00:05:03,078 --> 00:05:04,591
Come on.
65
00:05:10,638 --> 00:05:13,106
Dad, l'm here.
66
00:05:30,878 --> 00:05:32,914
Looks good from here.
67
00:05:36,038 --> 00:05:37,437
l was just looking for my dad.
68
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:39,708
lnteresting place to look.
69
00:05:43,318 --> 00:05:46,788
-Maybe l should go find him.
-Oh, no rush. No rush.
70
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:50,786
Well, well, well,
young Bud Bundy. Let's see.
71
00:05:50,998 --> 00:05:54,627
l haven't seen you since l threw
your family out of the company picnic.
72
00:05:56,558 --> 00:06:00,710
You have certainly turned
into a handsome young man.
73
00:06:00,918 --> 00:06:03,876
Your girlfriend
is a very lucky woman.
74
00:06:06,638 --> 00:06:08,754
Actually, l don't have a girlfriend.
75
00:06:08,958 --> 00:06:10,630
Really?
76
00:06:11,278 --> 00:06:12,267
l would have guessed...
77
00:06:12,478 --> 00:06:16,266
...that the ladies would be jumping
all over a studmuffin like yourself.
78
00:06:18,518 --> 00:06:21,157
Well, you know, l bag my share.
79
00:06:24,638 --> 00:06:27,436
You know,
l don't really want to be tied down.
80
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,277
Well, don't knock it
till you've tried it.
81
00:06:38,878 --> 00:06:40,789
l think l hear my daddy calling me.
82
00:06:43,438 --> 00:06:48,512
Where's the fire,
besides in my secret places?
83
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,196
What are you doing?
84
00:06:56,078 --> 00:06:57,591
You.
85
00:06:59,678 --> 00:07:02,715
-But-
-Don't fight it, Bud.
86
00:07:08,918 --> 00:07:11,227
Well, you could fight it a little.
87
00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:21,507
You are a genius, Al.
l can't believe that that worked.
88
00:07:21,718 --> 00:07:24,357
When you tell a retired couple
their house is on fire...
89
00:07:24,558 --> 00:07:27,470
...finishing their breakfast
just isn't a priority.
90
00:07:30,838 --> 00:07:33,796
Mom, Dad.
What are you two doing up?
91
00:07:33,998 --> 00:07:38,867
Looks like somebody
had a slumber party last night.
92
00:07:40,318 --> 00:07:42,354
So it looks like
you took your dad's advice...
93
00:07:42,558 --> 00:07:45,231
...and found yourself
a desperate one, huh?
94
00:07:46,278 --> 00:07:49,111
-What makes you think that?
-Beer and Tang.
95
00:07:50,438 --> 00:07:52,633
Bundy mimosas.
96
00:07:54,518 --> 00:07:57,476
Must be a classy chick, son.
97
00:07:58,318 --> 00:08:00,627
Yes, and she's painfully shy.
98
00:08:00,838 --> 00:08:04,831
So why don't you two head on upstairs,
and you can have breakfast in bed.
99
00:08:05,038 --> 00:08:09,589
Oh, he thinks
we're going to embarrass him.
100
00:08:09,798 --> 00:08:12,107
Come on, son,
we're not going to scare away...
101
00:08:12,318 --> 00:08:15,196
...a girl who's kind enough
to hang out with you.
102
00:08:15,958 --> 00:08:17,835
Hurry up with these mimosas,
Love Bud.
103
00:08:18,038 --> 00:08:20,347
l want to get out of here
before your pa-
104
00:08:28,678 --> 00:08:32,910
Daddy. Daddy, wake up. Daddy.
105
00:08:33,118 --> 00:08:35,473
-Honey, let me do it.
-Daddy.
106
00:08:39,758 --> 00:08:41,430
Al, wake up.
107
00:08:43,518 --> 00:08:46,669
Son touchy monster in jammies.
108
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,186
Daddy, don't worry about it.
109
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:54,233
Now, Bud is downstairs helping Gary
into her corrective undergarments.
110
00:08:54,798 --> 00:08:57,551
lt's naked in the basement.
111
00:08:57,758 --> 00:08:59,237
Al, would you relax?
112
00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,315
You told Bud
to find somebody desperate.
113
00:09:01,518 --> 00:09:05,955
Well, when l said "aim low,"
l didn't think he'd excavate the tar pits.
114
00:09:08,318 --> 00:09:10,070
l don't know what the big deal is.
115
00:09:10,278 --> 00:09:12,951
l mean, lots of old rich people
like to date younger men.
116
00:09:13,158 --> 00:09:17,913
Look at Cher,
Roseanne, Richard Simmons.
117
00:09:21,838 --> 00:09:23,908
You're doing this to hurt me,
aren't you, Gary?
118
00:09:24,118 --> 00:09:25,836
You had it in for me since day one.
119
00:09:26,038 --> 00:09:30,111
Bundy, as much as you deserve it,
l am not doing this for revenge.
120
00:09:30,318 --> 00:09:35,267
l am doing it because
l am genuinely attracted to Bud.
121
00:09:38,158 --> 00:09:41,389
Oh, right,
like l'm supposed to believe that.
122
00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:47,790
You obviously don't know your son.
He's a wonderful human being.
123
00:09:47,998 --> 00:09:49,795
Who's his real father?
124
00:09:50,998 --> 00:09:56,072
Well, it's Al, but you know, that night
l was thinking about Lyle Waggoner.
125
00:09:57,558 --> 00:10:01,437
Old people always try to destroy
what they can't understand.
126
00:10:01,638 --> 00:10:05,187
Man, parents just don't get it,
do they?
127
00:10:08,078 --> 00:10:11,673
-lt's all my fault.
-Oh, honey, don't blame yourself.
128
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:12,947
You're right, Peg.
129
00:10:13,158 --> 00:10:17,754
lt's all your fault.
You scarred him, Peg.
130
00:10:17,958 --> 00:10:22,554
How could l have scarred him?
l don't even remember talking to him.
131
00:10:23,678 --> 00:10:26,511
Peg, l'm telling you, he's looking
for the mother he never had.
132
00:10:26,718 --> 00:10:28,515
Oh, that's ridiculous.
133
00:10:28,718 --> 00:10:30,231
Blow.
134
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,948
Good boy.
135
00:10:39,558 --> 00:10:44,348
So l told that punk son of my mine
and his gargoyle girlfriend...
136
00:10:44,558 --> 00:10:46,628
...l never wanted
to see them together again.
137
00:10:46,838 --> 00:10:48,988
You better not turn around.
138
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:58,033
Looks like Bud can't get enough
of that hot gargoyle love.
139
00:10:58,798 --> 00:11:00,993
Bud is dead to me.
140
00:11:01,798 --> 00:11:07,031
Damn. Al, look at your son go.
141
00:11:07,238 --> 00:11:08,830
l have no son.
142
00:11:10,438 --> 00:11:13,430
Those two were knocking boots
right in your basement?
143
00:11:13,638 --> 00:11:15,708
l have no basement.
144
00:11:17,238 --> 00:11:20,355
You guys on a break? Good for you.
145
00:11:21,318 --> 00:11:27,587
Oh, Piglet, l almost forgot.
l got you a present.
146
00:11:27,798 --> 00:11:30,073
Thank you, Pooh Bear.
147
00:11:35,238 --> 00:11:38,833
When they start talking about
the honeypot, l got dibs on the sink.
148
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,069
Monogrammed beeper?
149
00:11:42,278 --> 00:11:45,315
-What for?
-For when l need you.
150
00:11:46,838 --> 00:11:49,636
l may not be available.
l mean, l do have a life of my own.
151
00:11:49,838 --> 00:11:53,513
Oh, isn't that cute, Piglet.
152
00:11:53,718 --> 00:11:59,509
And just remember, when it reads 911,
Pooh Bear needs you bad.
153
00:12:02,838 --> 00:12:06,114
Say hello to Kanga and Roo for me.
154
00:12:08,998 --> 00:12:10,397
What'd you throw that for?
155
00:12:10,598 --> 00:12:13,829
Because the cash register's
bolted down.
156
00:12:14,038 --> 00:12:15,790
Al, lighten up.
157
00:12:15,998 --> 00:12:19,434
You didn't have a problem when Kelly
dated that wealthy older man.
158
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:23,267
l wouldn't have a problem
if Bud dated a wealthy older man.
159
00:12:23,478 --> 00:12:25,548
Anybody but Gary.
160
00:12:25,758 --> 00:12:27,635
Hey, Al.
161
00:12:31,678 --> 00:12:36,388
l was in the tanning bed
and l heard about Bud and Gary, huh?
162
00:12:36,598 --> 00:12:38,156
lt's all over the mall.
163
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,077
-Let me guess. You're all for it, right?
-Natch.
164
00:12:41,278 --> 00:12:44,873
Who cares if Gary's a tarantula
in Chanel? l've seen worse.
165
00:12:45,078 --> 00:12:48,434
-You married worse.
-Exactly.
166
00:12:48,638 --> 00:12:50,708
Don't you see the beauty of this?
167
00:12:50,918 --> 00:12:55,434
Now that Bud has hitched his trailer
to Gary's sagging bumper...
168
00:12:56,478 --> 00:12:58,514
...you're in for a long ride
on easy street.
169
00:12:58,718 --> 00:13:00,834
No, no, no good can come of this.
170
00:13:01,038 --> 00:13:02,994
Where do you want this fridge
full of beers?
171
00:13:03,198 --> 00:13:06,031
Wherever. You don't understand
a father's feelings.
172
00:13:06,238 --> 00:13:08,274
This is the worst thing
that's happened to me.
173
00:13:08,478 --> 00:13:11,436
-Where do you want the TV?
-l don't care. Put it near the fridge.
174
00:13:11,638 --> 00:13:13,913
l'm telling you,
there's not a power on Earth...
175
00:13:14,118 --> 00:13:16,234
...that would make me accept
this unholy union.
176
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,557
Gary sent us here
to build you guys a break room.
177
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,827
But on second thought...
178
00:13:21,038 --> 00:13:23,677
...who am l to get in the way
of two crazy kids in love?
179
00:13:25,958 --> 00:13:27,311
Cheers!
180
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:35,913
Oh, no. Maybe this
Bud and Gary thing is all my fault.
181
00:13:36,118 --> 00:13:40,987
Look, it says right here,
"What a mother does affects a child."
182
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:46,670
Kelly, was l a bad mother?
183
00:13:46,878 --> 00:13:49,597
l don't know. Whose mother are you?
184
00:13:49,798 --> 00:13:54,155
-Yours.
-Oh. Then were you terrible.
185
00:13:56,038 --> 00:13:59,508
Who are you to judge?
Hey, don't you remember that time...
186
00:13:59,718 --> 00:14:01,993
...l made you
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
187
00:14:02,198 --> 00:14:04,917
Mom, it was petroleum jelly.
188
00:14:06,718 --> 00:14:10,836
Yeah, and you didn't get chapped lips
that whole winter.
189
00:14:11,038 --> 00:14:13,268
And l always took care of you
when you were sick.
190
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:14,672
Oh, please, Mom.
191
00:14:14,878 --> 00:14:17,676
The time l had chickenpox,
you slapped makeup on my face...
192
00:14:17,878 --> 00:14:19,789
...and sent me off to school.
193
00:14:19,998 --> 00:14:24,833
And you met your first little boyfriend
that day, now, didn't you?
194
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:28,235
Yeah, Mikey Clemmons.
195
00:14:28,438 --> 00:14:32,033
Boy, naptime
was a lot more fun after that.
196
00:14:33,078 --> 00:14:35,069
Then l guess
l was not such a bad mother.
197
00:14:35,278 --> 00:14:38,873
l guess not with me. But, you know,
you really screwed up Bud.
198
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:43,113
Peg, great news.
199
00:14:43,798 --> 00:14:47,837
You know Bud's horrible, perverted
affair with Gary that you caused?
200
00:14:49,158 --> 00:14:51,672
Yeah. l feel so guilty.
201
00:14:51,878 --> 00:14:55,632
Like l should be on Court TV
with a blue dot on my face.
202
00:14:55,838 --> 00:14:58,636
And yet in the bedroom
you complain about the paper bag.
203
00:14:59,478 --> 00:15:01,355
Anyway, Peg, don't worry about it...
204
00:15:01,558 --> 00:15:04,834
...because it's turned out to be
the greatest thing that happened to us.
205
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,266
What are you talking about?
206
00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:09,356
l'm talking about
a break room, Peg, at work...
207
00:15:09,558 --> 00:15:12,356
...with massage tables
and a fridge full of beer.
208
00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:15,789
As long as Bud
keeps Gary happy, l'm happy.
209
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:20,150
And as long as l'm happy, l'm happy.
210
00:15:21,078 --> 00:15:24,832
-Yeah, well, what about me?
-Don't be selfish, Peg.
211
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,116
Well, what about Bud's welfare?
212
00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:30,594
lsn't this an unhealthy relationship
for our son?
213
00:15:30,798 --> 00:15:33,870
Look what else Gary
put in our break room.
214
00:15:34,078 --> 00:15:36,797
Belgian bonbons.
215
00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:41,389
Well, you know,
l always liked that Gary.
216
00:15:42,998 --> 00:15:48,118
Oh, look, Al, l'm using the good china
with the dividers.
217
00:15:48,318 --> 00:15:51,355
Good idea, Peg. Gary's a millionaire.
She's used to classy things.
218
00:15:51,558 --> 00:15:53,276
Now, if this relationship continues...
219
00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:55,434
...we're gonna be
eating off paper plates...
220
00:15:55,638 --> 00:15:57,594
...and then just throwing them away.
221
00:15:57,798 --> 00:16:01,996
Hey, which side
does the salad Spork go on again?
222
00:16:02,198 --> 00:16:06,714
-On the left. Who raised you?
-No one.
223
00:16:07,278 --> 00:16:10,076
How come you don't put out
the good plastic for my boyfriends?
224
00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:13,270
Because your boyfriends
don't use utensils.
225
00:16:13,918 --> 00:16:15,397
l'm so sick of this.
226
00:16:15,598 --> 00:16:18,271
You know, l'm the oldest.
Bud's always been your favourite.
227
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,276
Just because he walked first,
and he talked first...
228
00:16:21,478 --> 00:16:23,708
...and he can name all 20 states.
229
00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:27,308
l will tell you-
l'll tell you what else he did first.
230
00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:28,951
He found himself a sugar daddy.
231
00:16:29,158 --> 00:16:31,718
Something we thought
you would do, young lady.
232
00:16:31,918 --> 00:16:36,628
Face it, Kelly, Bud beat you.
The dark horse came in first.
233
00:16:36,838 --> 00:16:38,829
Oh, now you got Bud a horse?
234
00:16:39,038 --> 00:16:41,074
Hey, l was the one
who always wanted a horsey.
235
00:16:41,278 --> 00:16:43,872
-Dad-
-Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, concentrate.
236
00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:47,548
lf you help us tonight,
maybe Gary will buy you a horsey.
237
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:51,387
Oh, no. lf she's that rich
l want a unicorn.
238
00:16:51,598 --> 00:16:53,111
Fine.
239
00:16:59,598 --> 00:17:04,991
Somebody call heaven.
There's an angel missing.
240
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:09,669
Oh, very, very nice, Bud.
ls this Baby Armani?
241
00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:14,872
Doesn't he look great, Al?
242
00:17:15,078 --> 00:17:17,911
You know, you remind me
of a very handsome young man...
243
00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:20,074
...that was once
madly in love with me.
244
00:17:20,278 --> 00:17:23,793
-You mean Daddy?
-Honey, l said handsome.
245
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:26,673
And in love with her.
246
00:17:30,398 --> 00:17:32,548
l appreciate all the trouble
you went to...
247
00:17:32,758 --> 00:17:35,272
...but l'm not sure l feel right
about Gary and me.
248
00:17:35,838 --> 00:17:37,749
What are you talking about, Bud?
249
00:17:37,958 --> 00:17:41,348
You and Gary
are perfect for each other.
250
00:17:41,558 --> 00:17:43,833
Dad, she's getting more
and more possessive.
251
00:17:44,038 --> 00:17:45,710
l mean, we don't even talk anymore.
252
00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:48,478
l feel like all l am to her
is a piece of meat.
253
00:17:48,678 --> 00:17:50,270
My area. Let me handle this.
254
00:17:54,558 --> 00:18:00,633
Okay, Bud. So you're feeling
like a cheap sex toy, huh?
255
00:18:00,838 --> 00:18:04,114
Yeah. lt's demeaning.
How do you handle it, Kel?
256
00:18:05,078 --> 00:18:08,832
l just accept it. l mean, come on.
Fish, they gotta swim.
257
00:18:09,038 --> 00:18:12,713
The birds gotta fly. Cookie Monster's
gotta eat whatever the hell he eats.
258
00:18:12,918 --> 00:18:15,113
You know what l mean? You know?
259
00:18:15,878 --> 00:18:17,391
No.
260
00:18:17,598 --> 00:18:21,113
Dad, how am l supposed to stay with
somebody who doesn't respect me?
261
00:18:21,318 --> 00:18:23,309
Honey, if marriage
was based on respect...
262
00:18:23,518 --> 00:18:26,555
...your father and l
would have never gotten together.
263
00:18:26,758 --> 00:18:27,986
That's right, pookie.
264
00:18:28,198 --> 00:18:29,187
Excuse me.
265
00:18:29,398 --> 00:18:32,310
-Who said anything about marriage?
-Well, Bud, you love Gary.
266
00:18:32,518 --> 00:18:36,193
-No, l don't, Dad.
-Don't talk back to your father.
267
00:18:37,318 --> 00:18:40,310
And love and marriage
go together like-
268
00:18:40,798 --> 00:18:42,754
Peg, what do love
and marriage go together?
269
00:18:42,958 --> 00:18:44,869
How the hell would l know?
270
00:18:45,878 --> 00:18:48,551
lf you two are so happily married
let's see you kiss.
271
00:18:51,238 --> 00:18:53,115
Well, sure, we could do that...
272
00:18:53,318 --> 00:18:56,435
...but l think that years of love
and commitment...
273
00:18:56,638 --> 00:18:59,914
...can best be represented
by a hearty handshake.
274
00:19:02,678 --> 00:19:05,238
l said a kiss. That means lips.
275
00:19:05,438 --> 00:19:07,235
Sure.
276
00:19:10,718 --> 00:19:14,108
Oh, come on, Daddy,
you can do it. Just close your eyes.
277
00:19:22,438 --> 00:19:25,635
Bud, Bud, Bud, don't ruin this for me.
278
00:19:26,758 --> 00:19:31,752
Piglet, l've been paging you for over
an hour. Why didn't you call me back?
279
00:19:31,958 --> 00:19:34,074
Well, l turned off the beeper.
280
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:40,189
-How dare you?
-Bud, you're grounded.
281
00:19:41,798 --> 00:19:43,675
What is it, Piglet?
282
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:47,348
You know, we've had
some great times together...
283
00:19:47,558 --> 00:19:52,632
...and l appreciate everything
you've done for me, and to me.
284
00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:55,796
l think we should just be friends.
285
00:19:55,998 --> 00:19:58,831
-Do not listen to him.
-Wait a minute.
286
00:19:59,038 --> 00:20:00,676
You're dumping me?
287
00:20:00,878 --> 00:20:06,111
Without me, you will spend
the rest of your life in this hellhole.
288
00:20:06,318 --> 00:20:09,867
-No offence.
-None taken. Shall we have dinner?
289
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:13,309
l can get out of this on my own.
l don't need to be anybody's boy toy.
290
00:20:13,518 --> 00:20:15,509
l'm going to make it
on brains and talent.
291
00:20:15,718 --> 00:20:19,074
Oh, Peg, we're never
going to get rid of him now.
292
00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:23,466
Go ahead, scoff.
At least l've got my dignity.
293
00:20:31,838 --> 00:20:34,068
Well, Bundy,
l guess you know what this means.
294
00:20:34,278 --> 00:20:36,951
Generic beer
in the break room fridge?
295
00:20:37,158 --> 00:20:39,035
Guess again.
296
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,149
Less attractive masseuses?
297
00:20:41,358 --> 00:20:47,149
Try no beer, no massages.
ln fact, no break room.
298
00:20:47,358 --> 00:20:50,953
And l'm installing a pay toilet.
299
00:20:51,158 --> 00:20:53,308
Oh, that's not right.
300
00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:55,827
l can't believe
l'm not going to get my unicorn.
301
00:20:56,038 --> 00:20:59,110
Oh, l can't believe
l polished Sporks for her.
302
00:20:59,318 --> 00:21:02,151
l can't believe l almost kissed you.
303
00:21:04,278 --> 00:21:06,872
This means that
Bud's not the favourite now, huh?
304
00:21:07,078 --> 00:21:08,272
Damn right.
305
00:21:09,318 --> 00:21:11,354
So that means
l'm the favourite now, right?
306
00:21:11,558 --> 00:21:12,911
Sure, why not?
307
00:21:13,118 --> 00:21:15,348
Look, Gary's gold card.
308
00:21:16,078 --> 00:21:21,516
Hey, forget the fried chicken.
Tonight it's fried lobster.
309
00:21:21,718 --> 00:21:24,755
Oh, wait a second.
Shouldn't we wait for Bud?
310
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:27,756
What does he need lobster for?
He's got dignity.1
00:00:13,637 --> 00:00:15,946
Okay, Peg.
l tried to use our ATM card.
2
00:00:16,157 --> 00:00:17,306
l stuck it in.
3
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,348
lt spit it out.
4
00:00:20,677 --> 00:00:22,269
And it laughed at me.
5
00:00:24,077 --> 00:00:26,193
Sound familiar?
6
00:00:27,677 --> 00:00:29,349
How many times have l told you, Al?
7
00:00:29,557 --> 00:00:32,196
You got to stick it in the right way.
8
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:36,112
And, you know, pressing
the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.
9
00:00:36,317 --> 00:00:38,194
Peg, you got to stop wasting
all our money.
10
00:00:38,397 --> 00:00:40,865
l'm not wasting it.
l'm investing it.
11
00:00:41,077 --> 00:00:43,272
Yes, Peg,
and nothing appreciates faster...
12
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:47,026
...than these Little Rascals
Last Supper commemorative plates.
13
00:00:48,397 --> 00:00:51,787
Doesn't Alfalfa make a haunting Judas?
14
00:00:51,997 --> 00:00:54,306
You know, these aren't available
in any store.
15
00:00:54,517 --> 00:00:57,395
Whereas food,
which often appears on the plate, is.
16
00:01:00,757 --> 00:01:04,193
Forgive him, Buckwheat,
he knows not what he does.
17
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:07,594
Peg, this home shopping
has got to stop.
18
00:01:07,797 --> 00:01:09,389
Okay, Al.
19
00:01:09,597 --> 00:01:10,916
Where are you going?
20
00:01:11,117 --> 00:01:13,585
l am going
to Shopaholics Anonymous.
21
00:01:13,797 --> 00:01:17,346
-Good.
-But first l need a new dress.
22
00:01:18,997 --> 00:01:20,350
Hey.
23
00:01:24,077 --> 00:01:28,116
Daddy, l need 100 bucks for something
really, really, really important.
24
00:01:28,317 --> 00:01:31,912
Pumpkin, you're not going to buy
another bridge, are you?
25
00:01:33,517 --> 00:01:36,190
What would l do with six bridges?
26
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,435
No, it's for my acting career.
27
00:01:38,637 --> 00:01:41,629
l'm taking an improve class.
28
00:01:41,837 --> 00:01:45,307
You know, improvisation
where you make things up.
29
00:01:46,077 --> 00:01:48,545
Why don't you make up 100 bucks?
30
00:01:48,757 --> 00:01:50,475
Okay. Thanks.
31
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,555
Wait a minute. How am l supposed
to make up money l don't have?
32
00:01:53,757 --> 00:01:55,270
Ask your mother.
33
00:01:56,837 --> 00:01:58,953
Great news, everybody.
34
00:02:03,237 --> 00:02:04,386
lt's official.
35
00:02:04,597 --> 00:02:07,316
Oh, lllinois finally recognized...
36
00:02:07,517 --> 00:02:10,270
...the sacred bond
between you and your hand.
37
00:02:11,477 --> 00:02:13,229
Just like the sacred bond
between you...
38
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:15,712
...and anyone
with a shiny new penny.
39
00:02:16,477 --> 00:02:19,275
Dad, l just got a big infomercial
for one of my new clients.
40
00:02:19,477 --> 00:02:23,675
Hey, hey, hey, now, does that mean
that you're making money?
41
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:26,596
Well, not like you tried to do
at Kinko's but-
42
00:02:27,077 --> 00:02:30,786
That would have worked
if l'd sprung for the colour copies.
43
00:02:30,997 --> 00:02:32,669
Anyway, l'm earning my money.
44
00:02:32,877 --> 00:02:36,187
Well, son, if you're earning money,
that means you can pay some rent.
45
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,595
Rent?
46
00:02:39,037 --> 00:02:41,392
Now, son, it was one thing
when were you in school...
47
00:02:41,597 --> 00:02:43,827
...which, by the way,
l never approved of.
48
00:02:44,917 --> 00:02:45,906
Why me?
49
00:02:46,117 --> 00:02:48,312
Why don't you charge Kelly rent?
Or Mom?
50
00:02:48,517 --> 00:02:51,748
Well, son,
Kelly hasn't slept here in years.
51
00:02:53,157 --> 00:02:57,992
lf l try to charge your mother rent,
she might expect things.
52
00:02:58,797 --> 00:03:01,595
No way am l paying rent
for that dump.
53
00:03:01,797 --> 00:03:04,595
Well, then you know the drill, Bud.
54
00:03:11,677 --> 00:03:14,987
The best shopping carts
are at Foodtown.
55
00:03:53,477 --> 00:03:55,229
Hey, Daddy?
56
00:03:58,357 --> 00:04:01,429
l need to do some homework
for my improve class...
57
00:04:01,917 --> 00:04:03,873
...so give me a situation.
58
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,796
Daddy's watching the baseball game.
59
00:04:07,437 --> 00:04:08,870
Got it.
60
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,714
Now daddy's mowing the lawn.
61
00:04:29,117 --> 00:04:32,871
Damn lawn. Damn kid. Damn wife.
62
00:04:34,117 --> 00:04:36,870
Forget it, Peg, no sex tonight.
63
00:04:40,877 --> 00:04:44,153
Okay, honey. Just as well.
64
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:46,795
lmprov class?
65
00:04:46,997 --> 00:04:50,148
Yes, best money l ever spent,
with all due respect...
66
00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:53,667
...to the My Three Sons
Holy Trinity serving tray.
67
00:04:56,677 --> 00:04:58,827
Damn thing.
68
00:05:07,757 --> 00:05:09,110
Well, where have you been?
69
00:05:09,317 --> 00:05:11,706
l slept in Lucky's doghouse.
70
00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:14,556
You have any idea what it's like
sleeping with somebody...
71
00:05:14,757 --> 00:05:16,873
...who's constantly panting
and licking you...
72
00:05:17,077 --> 00:05:19,466
...and wagging their tail
all in your face?
73
00:05:19,677 --> 00:05:21,315
Welcome to my world, son.
74
00:05:23,797 --> 00:05:25,196
This isn't fair, Dad.
75
00:05:25,397 --> 00:05:27,308
You didn't charge me
when l lived upstairs.
76
00:05:27,517 --> 00:05:30,031
Well, that's because
that was a less desirable location.
77
00:05:30,237 --> 00:05:32,467
That was near your mother.
78
00:05:33,317 --> 00:05:36,229
All right, fine. How much rent
do you think would be fair?
79
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:39,395
Son, l got that all figured out.
80
00:05:39,597 --> 00:05:41,633
lt's based on
a very complicated formula...
81
00:05:41,837 --> 00:05:44,590
...that l've been working on
since day that you were born.
82
00:05:44,797 --> 00:05:48,790
Oh, look, it's Bud's baby book.
83
00:05:48,997 --> 00:05:51,352
Hey, l didn't know
you kept one of those for me.
84
00:05:51,557 --> 00:05:53,115
Why, sure.
85
00:05:53,317 --> 00:05:57,151
Oh, now look at this:
Baby's first expense.
86
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,633
Yeah, one broken condom.
87
00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:08,876
Oh, and look, Bud,
your first pacifier.
88
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,749
A sock?
89
00:06:12,277 --> 00:06:15,189
lf we gave him a little more rubber
when he was teething...
90
00:06:15,397 --> 00:06:17,433
...he wouldn't be dating it now.
91
00:06:20,317 --> 00:06:23,548
Oh, look, Bud, your first words.
92
00:06:24,877 --> 00:06:27,232
" Bud need food."
93
00:06:29,437 --> 00:06:31,792
" Bud want food."
94
00:06:32,157 --> 00:06:33,636
"Ouch"?
95
00:06:34,277 --> 00:06:37,587
Nobody likes a whiny baby, Bud.
96
00:06:38,877 --> 00:06:44,634
-Why aren't there any pictures of me?
-Frankly, son, you were one ugly baby.
97
00:06:45,837 --> 00:06:47,793
l thought you were beautiful.
98
00:06:47,997 --> 00:06:51,353
Oh, come on, Peg,
you used to diaper his face.
99
00:06:52,277 --> 00:06:53,790
That's because he was colicky.
100
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:57,433
Oh, now, son,
it's all here. Every fond moment...
101
00:06:57,637 --> 00:07:01,789
...and every cent that you cost me
from the time you were born.
102
00:07:03,197 --> 00:07:05,995
One soda. That's 65 cents.
103
00:07:06,517 --> 00:07:07,996
You're still writing it all down?
104
00:07:08,197 --> 00:07:09,755
Oh, no. We're way beyond that.
105
00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:24,913
This is insane.
106
00:07:25,117 --> 00:07:27,756
Okay. Okay. Fine.
107
00:07:28,117 --> 00:07:29,516
l'll pay you 200 a month...
108
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:33,505
...but l want to make it legal.
Here's a check and here's a lease.
109
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,909
That's a deal.
110
00:07:37,117 --> 00:07:40,632
Great. Now that l am paying you,
you can make the repairs.
111
00:07:40,837 --> 00:07:42,031
What repairs?
112
00:07:42,237 --> 00:07:43,306
Look, l know my rights.
113
00:07:43,517 --> 00:07:46,395
As your legal tenant, l can report you
to the Housing Authority.
114
00:07:46,597 --> 00:07:50,146
And as your legal father,
l can give you five across the eyes.
115
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:54,190
There's absolutely nothing wrong
with that basement.
116
00:07:54,397 --> 00:07:57,628
This basement is condemned.
117
00:07:59,037 --> 00:08:01,835
On what possible basis?
118
00:08:02,197 --> 00:08:06,076
For one thing,
l'm standing in raw sewage.
119
00:08:06,637 --> 00:08:10,073
Ma'am, your control problems
are not my concern.
120
00:08:14,877 --> 00:08:16,071
What about these rats?
121
00:08:16,277 --> 00:08:18,711
Well, how did they get in here?
122
00:08:18,917 --> 00:08:20,953
They're trying to get out.
123
00:08:21,557 --> 00:08:24,913
This wiring is clearly substandard.
124
00:08:25,117 --> 00:08:28,268
Well, now that's impossible.
l did the work myself.
125
00:08:30,837 --> 00:08:34,432
Mr. Bundy, you've had a month
to get this place in shape.
126
00:08:34,637 --> 00:08:38,073
You had your whole life to get in shape.
You don't see me condemning you.
127
00:08:42,637 --> 00:08:44,070
That's it.
128
00:08:44,277 --> 00:08:47,667
Mr. Bundy, you are a slumlord
and by the power vested in me...
129
00:08:47,877 --> 00:08:50,949
...by the Department of Housing,
you're confined to this basement...
130
00:08:51,157 --> 00:08:53,113
-...until you agree to make repairs.
-What?
131
00:08:53,317 --> 00:08:54,306
What if there's a fire?
132
00:08:54,517 --> 00:08:57,236
Those wires are clearly substandard.
133
00:08:57,997 --> 00:09:00,113
What the-
What the hell are you doing?
134
00:09:00,317 --> 00:09:02,956
This is an electronic
mobility limitation device.
135
00:09:03,157 --> 00:09:05,193
lt'll prevent you from leaving
the premises.
136
00:09:05,397 --> 00:09:07,752
Much like your hips in a turnstile.
137
00:09:09,557 --> 00:09:13,470
lf you come within two feet
of this device or 10 feet from it...
138
00:09:13,677 --> 00:09:15,030
...you will be shocked.
139
00:09:15,237 --> 00:09:17,307
Yeah, right. Like that scares me.
140
00:09:17,517 --> 00:09:20,554
Like this collar is going to keep me
in this hellhole.
141
00:09:23,517 --> 00:09:25,985
Come get me. Come on. Come on.
142
00:09:37,637 --> 00:09:39,389
lt's fascinating.
143
00:09:39,757 --> 00:09:41,827
Despite three hours
of negative conditioning...
144
00:09:42,037 --> 00:09:44,790
...the subject continues to go
for the food.
145
00:09:46,677 --> 00:09:48,633
Son of a bitch.
146
00:09:50,397 --> 00:09:52,228
What an idiot.
147
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:55,071
You know, l think Daddy needs
some exercise.
148
00:09:55,277 --> 00:09:57,871
No. We are not letting him out.
149
00:09:58,077 --> 00:10:00,637
Oh, no. l was thinking
about getting him one of those...
150
00:10:00,837 --> 00:10:02,714
...you know,
those giant hamster wheels.
151
00:10:02,917 --> 00:10:05,033
Just to keep him running.
152
00:10:05,277 --> 00:10:07,916
Where do you think
you're going to get one of those?
153
00:10:08,117 --> 00:10:11,268
Duh? At the giant hamster store.
154
00:10:15,077 --> 00:10:19,434
" Note to journal
regarding long-term subject:
155
00:10:19,677 --> 00:10:22,316
lQ still plummeting.
156
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:24,710
No sign of bottom."
157
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,634
Dad, are you gonna make
the repairs?
158
00:10:31,837 --> 00:10:35,432
No, you degenerate little ingrate.
159
00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:37,629
Hey, now.
160
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:40,715
That language might have been okay
when l was a child...
161
00:10:40,917 --> 00:10:44,956
...but now that l'm paying rent,
l expect to be treated like an adult.
162
00:10:45,157 --> 00:10:46,795
An adult?
163
00:10:46,997 --> 00:10:49,113
You still live at home.
164
00:10:49,677 --> 00:10:51,190
You still work at the mall.
165
00:10:51,397 --> 00:10:52,591
Yeah, well, listen.
166
00:10:52,797 --> 00:10:55,630
Pay up because l'm up
for assistant manager.
167
00:10:56,357 --> 00:10:57,870
lf l can ever get out of here.
168
00:10:58,277 --> 00:11:00,154
You can get out
when you make the repairs.
169
00:11:00,357 --> 00:11:01,995
No way. lt's a matter of principle.
170
00:11:02,197 --> 00:11:03,710
Maybe l can bribe my wait out.
171
00:11:03,917 --> 00:11:06,477
How about a hundred bucks?
172
00:11:06,677 --> 00:11:09,237
That's Kinko's money. Forget it.
173
00:11:11,117 --> 00:11:12,709
Okay, 200.
174
00:11:12,917 --> 00:11:14,873
-Three hundred.
-No way.
175
00:11:15,077 --> 00:11:19,514
What do you think, this stuff is free?
Every hundred dollar bill costs 8 cents.
176
00:11:20,837 --> 00:11:25,513
-Where's the original?
-l left the original in the copy machine.
177
00:11:30,437 --> 00:11:34,112
" ldiocy, obviously hereditary.
178
00:11:37,877 --> 00:11:39,993
ln females."
179
00:11:40,957 --> 00:11:46,111
Oh, Al, you promised
to take out the garbage.
180
00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:48,273
Gee, l'm sorry, Peg, l'd love to.
181
00:11:48,477 --> 00:11:52,470
But one more shock
and my liver will be medium well.
182
00:11:52,677 --> 00:11:56,636
But then who's going to rub
my bottom?
183
00:11:57,397 --> 00:11:59,831
Peg, l'm sorry, but the law is the law.
184
00:12:00,037 --> 00:12:03,268
l did the crime,
so l should do the time.
185
00:12:05,477 --> 00:12:06,876
Al.
186
00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:08,476
Hey.
187
00:12:09,517 --> 00:12:11,235
Jefferson.
188
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:13,428
l'm stuck.
189
00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:17,270
Well, divorce her.
Just leave me out of it.
190
00:12:17,477 --> 00:12:20,196
l came here to rescue you...
191
00:12:20,837 --> 00:12:23,397
...but there's a really big spider...
192
00:12:23,597 --> 00:12:26,509
-...coming right towards me.
-Hey, getting stuck down here is...
193
00:12:26,717 --> 00:12:28,594
...the best thing
that ever happened to me.
194
00:12:28,797 --> 00:12:31,948
What are you talking about, Al?
This is a prison.
195
00:12:32,157 --> 00:12:35,832
This isn't prison. Upstairs is a prison.
That's hard time.
196
00:12:36,037 --> 00:12:39,347
Warden Red is always threatening
to stick me in the hotbox.
197
00:12:39,837 --> 00:12:42,590
Okay. Let me get this straight.
198
00:12:42,797 --> 00:12:45,516
Al is stuck here.
199
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,632
And l get to torture him.
200
00:12:54,637 --> 00:12:56,593
Here's another hundred.
201
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,830
Now, you enjoy yourself.
202
00:12:59,037 --> 00:13:00,629
Remember, you gotta be out by 2.
203
00:13:00,837 --> 00:13:04,193
You'd be surprised at
how many people want to torture Dad.
204
00:13:04,757 --> 00:13:06,588
No, l wouldn't.
205
00:13:09,077 --> 00:13:10,954
So, Dad.
206
00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:12,749
Are you sure you're having fun?
207
00:13:12,957 --> 00:13:14,106
Yup.
208
00:13:14,317 --> 00:13:18,105
Well, in that case,
let's play Wheel of Torture.
209
00:13:19,237 --> 00:13:21,626
Our first contestant hails
from next door.
210
00:13:21,837 --> 00:13:26,911
She's a banker, an avid golfer
and quite a screamer in bed.
211
00:13:29,837 --> 00:13:32,112
You live next door, you hear things.
212
00:13:33,317 --> 00:13:36,946
Well, what's she going to do,
Bud, pick my eyes out?
213
00:13:37,277 --> 00:13:39,711
Sit on me till l crack?
214
00:13:42,037 --> 00:13:43,072
Al...
215
00:13:43,277 --> 00:13:48,192
...did l ever tell you
about how l became a feminist?
216
00:13:51,037 --> 00:13:53,710
lt all started when l read
The Feminine Mystique...
217
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,033
...and l threw away my Lady Schick.
218
00:13:56,237 --> 00:13:58,387
Well, that's two mistakes.
219
00:14:00,197 --> 00:14:01,949
Did you ever notice...
220
00:14:02,157 --> 00:14:03,954
...how the nipples
in that poster seem...
221
00:14:04,197 --> 00:14:05,676
...to follow you around the room?
222
00:14:09,597 --> 00:14:12,634
That is so degrading to women.
223
00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:18,995
Anyway...
224
00:14:21,637 --> 00:14:24,197
My true awakening occurred...
225
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:28,390
...when l decided
to take charge of my own orgasms.
226
00:14:28,597 --> 00:14:31,236
You know, Al,
how my womanhood blossomed.
227
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,986
Oh, God, how my stomach
is churning.
228
00:14:35,877 --> 00:14:37,629
You know, l couldn't have done it...
229
00:14:37,837 --> 00:14:40,067
...without the support
of my women's group.
230
00:14:40,277 --> 00:14:43,667
One day, we all sat in a circle...
231
00:14:43,877 --> 00:14:46,914
...naked, but non-judgemental...
232
00:14:47,717 --> 00:14:52,347
...and then all six of us pulled out
our hand mirrors...
233
00:14:53,957 --> 00:14:55,629
...and guess what happened?
234
00:14:59,237 --> 00:15:02,070
Forty-two years of bad luck?
235
00:15:03,597 --> 00:15:07,954
That day inspired an epic poem.
236
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,830
I think that I shall never see
237
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,353
My G-spot smiling back at my me
238
00:15:24,517 --> 00:15:26,553
l got to give you credit, big guy...
239
00:15:26,757 --> 00:15:29,476
...l can't believe
that didn't break you.
240
00:15:29,677 --> 00:15:33,192
You forget who l'm married to.
Torture is my middle name.
241
00:15:34,197 --> 00:15:36,836
Well, then,
let's meet guest number two.
242
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:40,154
She's an aspiring actress,
an annoying sister...
243
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,348
...and she's just mastered
the alphabet.
244
00:15:42,557 --> 00:15:46,072
Kelly Bundy, come on down.
245
00:15:51,757 --> 00:15:53,827
How, Daddy.
246
00:15:55,717 --> 00:15:59,596
Kelly will now improv
the history of the United States.
247
00:16:00,597 --> 00:16:02,155
Enjoy.
248
00:16:02,957 --> 00:16:06,347
ls that your real name, John Smith?
249
00:16:06,557 --> 00:16:10,186
Me thinkum this one big kiss-off.
250
00:16:13,637 --> 00:16:16,993
Sorry, Chief Thunder Pants.
251
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:21,110
What a glorious day
for our new country.
252
00:16:21,317 --> 00:16:26,152
We defeated the British
and l have a new baby boy.
253
00:16:27,357 --> 00:16:30,747
l'm going to name him Bob Dole.
254
00:16:32,997 --> 00:16:34,669
General Sherman...
255
00:16:34,877 --> 00:16:38,631
...you have lit more
than Atlanta on fire.
256
00:16:38,837 --> 00:16:44,469
As God is my witness,
l will never be horny again.
257
00:16:45,997 --> 00:16:50,513
Houston, we have a problem.
258
00:16:51,117 --> 00:16:53,756
We can see Uranus.
259
00:16:56,117 --> 00:17:01,032
We seem to have an asteroidal flap.
260
00:17:03,237 --> 00:17:05,671
Hey, is this thing on?
261
00:17:11,037 --> 00:17:13,107
He still won't make the repairs.
262
00:17:13,317 --> 00:17:14,830
He is so stubborn.
263
00:17:15,037 --> 00:17:17,597
You should see him on bath night.
264
00:17:18,717 --> 00:17:21,390
Well, l did my best
with the Chinese daughter torture.
265
00:17:21,597 --> 00:17:25,306
All right. Somehow we gotta come up
with the perfect torture for Daddy.
266
00:17:25,517 --> 00:17:29,715
Now, what does he find
really repulsive and unbearable?
267
00:17:39,277 --> 00:17:41,552
Why are you looking at me?
268
00:17:52,317 --> 00:17:55,707
Boy, in a couple of years,
this stuff really builds up.
269
00:18:07,997 --> 00:18:10,557
You know,
it's not half bad down here.
270
00:18:10,837 --> 00:18:13,670
A couple of repairs,
a fellow could live down here.
271
00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:23,956
Who's there?
272
00:18:33,957 --> 00:18:35,913
Oh, Al...
273
00:18:36,117 --> 00:18:40,395
...it's time for your conjugal visit.
274
00:18:42,477 --> 00:18:44,866
Okay. Bud, help me.
275
00:18:48,037 --> 00:18:53,111
Shut up, Al. You're my bitch now.
276
00:18:54,997 --> 00:18:57,431
Oh, the horror.
277
00:18:58,197 --> 00:19:00,313
The horror.
278
00:19:01,837 --> 00:19:04,397
No, no, Peg. No, l can't.
279
00:19:04,597 --> 00:19:06,315
My knees are all skinned.
l'm bruised.
280
00:19:06,517 --> 00:19:09,668
l got a press-on nail
stuck in my butt.
281
00:19:10,637 --> 00:19:12,707
Relax, Dad.
282
00:19:12,917 --> 00:19:14,145
Oh, son, thank God.
283
00:19:14,357 --> 00:19:17,952
Son, get me out of this thing
before that thing comes back.
284
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:20,315
You promise to make the repairs?
285
00:19:20,517 --> 00:19:24,430
Okay, son, you win. You win.
286
00:19:24,637 --> 00:19:25,752
Gee, Dad.
287
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:29,154
Mom left teeth marks
all over your neck.
288
00:19:29,357 --> 00:19:32,713
No, son. That was me.
l tried to sever my own jugular.
289
00:19:36,157 --> 00:19:38,193
Damn clotting.
290
00:19:39,357 --> 00:19:42,394
Okay. l'll let you go,
but you got to promise...
291
00:19:42,597 --> 00:19:45,794
-...to give me a head start?
-Why, sure, son. What do you think?
292
00:19:45,997 --> 00:19:48,192
l'm going to track you like a dog
and kill you?
293
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:52,276
Sure, a normal father would do that,
but we're Bundys.
294
00:19:52,997 --> 00:19:56,307
Oh, God, what does that mean?
You're going to eat me?
295
00:19:57,477 --> 00:19:59,707
No, Bud.
296
00:19:59,917 --> 00:20:03,114
l want to give you a pat
on the back. See, son, l-
297
00:20:03,317 --> 00:20:05,194
l never thought
you took much after me.
298
00:20:05,397 --> 00:20:08,389
l always thought you were more
of a Wanker than a Bundy.
299
00:20:08,837 --> 00:20:09,826
Why?
300
00:20:10,037 --> 00:20:13,427
Well, you know, your laziness,
your sloping forehead...
301
00:20:13,877 --> 00:20:16,835
...your ability to catch flies
with your tongue.
302
00:20:17,397 --> 00:20:19,547
-This what you call a pat on the back?
-No, son.
303
00:20:19,757 --> 00:20:24,433
Now you got mad like anybody would,
but you got mad and even.
304
00:20:24,637 --> 00:20:25,752
See?
305
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:28,949
That makes you a part
of the grand Bundy tradition.
306
00:20:29,157 --> 00:20:31,876
You know, l'll never forget
my old man. Sweet guy.
307
00:20:32,077 --> 00:20:34,716
Sold my Schwinn
for the price of a drink.
308
00:20:35,477 --> 00:20:39,595
l was so mad at him, before he knew it,
l enlisted him into the army.
309
00:20:40,517 --> 00:20:42,872
When he came back from Korea,
he was so ticked off...
310
00:20:43,077 --> 00:20:45,227
...it's a good thing
he was in a wheelchair.
311
00:20:47,517 --> 00:20:48,472
Beautiful story, Dad.
312
00:20:48,677 --> 00:20:51,635
The point is, l think that deep down
my dad was proud of me.
313
00:20:51,837 --> 00:20:52,952
Why, he said that?
314
00:20:53,157 --> 00:20:56,786
Not in so many words,
but he blinked twice for "Yes."
315
00:20:57,637 --> 00:21:00,834
So you're saying you were proud
of me for the way l tortured you?
316
00:21:01,037 --> 00:21:03,107
That l am, Bud.
317
00:21:04,317 --> 00:21:06,273
Guess l learned from the best.
318
00:21:06,477 --> 00:21:08,115
Son.
319
00:21:08,957 --> 00:21:10,595
Dad.
320
00:21:16,797 --> 00:21:17,752
Hey, pal...
321
00:21:17,957 --> 00:21:20,915
...what do you say
we fix this place up together?
322
00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:23,392
-All right. Let's go get a burger first.
-Fine.
323
00:21:23,597 --> 00:21:26,157
-On me.
-All right.1
00:00:04,916 --> 00:00:08,829
You know,
something really stinks in here.
2
00:00:09,716 --> 00:00:11,911
We are watching Fox.
3
00:00:13,236 --> 00:00:15,147
Al, did you take out the trash?
4
00:00:15,356 --> 00:00:18,507
l'll take it out
when there's enough for a whole load.
5
00:00:23,476 --> 00:00:24,625
Okay.
6
00:00:24,836 --> 00:00:27,953
l know you people are used to living
in a cesspool.
7
00:00:28,156 --> 00:00:31,353
So you're probably not even bothered
by this garbage strike.
8
00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:35,430
Wait a minute.
How can trash go on strike?
9
00:00:37,436 --> 00:00:40,189
Hang up your fishnets
and stay in all night.
10
00:00:42,636 --> 00:00:45,309
But on behalf
of the entire neighbourhood...
11
00:00:45,516 --> 00:00:47,188
...l demand that you do something...
12
00:00:47,396 --> 00:00:50,069
...to improve the look of things
around here.
13
00:01:03,756 --> 00:01:05,747
Now, l've done my part.
14
00:01:06,756 --> 00:01:08,075
Marcie is absolutely right.
15
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,585
We have to get together
to get rid of this garbage.
16
00:01:10,796 --> 00:01:12,354
Now, l'll hand you the bags.
17
00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:14,353
You throw them over
in the D'Arcys' yard.
18
00:01:54,436 --> 00:01:57,075
Go, go, go.
19
00:01:57,276 --> 00:02:00,712
Oh, man, these guys don't hustle.
20
00:02:00,916 --> 00:02:03,225
Lazy bums.
21
00:02:04,756 --> 00:02:06,826
Bums is right.
22
00:02:11,596 --> 00:02:13,791
Al, can you hand me that beer?
23
00:02:18,476 --> 00:02:20,387
Can't reach.
24
00:02:22,436 --> 00:02:24,427
Atten-hut!
25
00:02:28,756 --> 00:02:30,155
As you were.
26
00:02:30,356 --> 00:02:33,746
You are looking at 2nd Lieutenant
D'Arcy, National Guard Reserves.
27
00:02:33,956 --> 00:02:36,550
More like Gl-joke.
28
00:02:38,396 --> 00:02:41,945
Hey, this action figure
is anatomically correct.
29
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:46,869
After living with Marcie all these years,
l doubt it.
30
00:02:48,756 --> 00:02:49,871
What's the scam?
31
00:02:50,116 --> 00:02:52,152
No scam.
l'll just say goodbye to Marcie.
32
00:02:52,396 --> 00:02:54,785
-There's the scam.
-There's the scam.
33
00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:56,151
Hey, it's a great deal.
34
00:02:56,356 --> 00:02:59,029
One weekend out of every month,
you get three hots in a cot.
35
00:02:59,236 --> 00:03:02,034
You get to party with a bunch of guys
and you get paid.
36
00:03:02,276 --> 00:03:04,471
Sounds like my ex-wife's job.
37
00:03:04,676 --> 00:03:08,225
Uncle Sam will pay me to leave Peg
and the kids for the weekend?
38
00:03:08,476 --> 00:03:10,592
You have to go through
basic training first.
39
00:03:10,796 --> 00:03:12,866
But you don't have to go
to your regular job...
40
00:03:13,076 --> 00:03:14,873
...and your boss still has to pay you.
41
00:03:15,116 --> 00:03:18,665
l am suddenly feeling the need
to serve my country.
42
00:03:19,516 --> 00:03:22,588
Oh, wait a minute.
Aren't we too old to join the reserve?
43
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,509
Well, you're pretty much too old
for everything.
44
00:03:26,396 --> 00:03:28,352
But with my connections,
l can get you in.
45
00:03:31,956 --> 00:03:33,992
That's the fighting spirit
we're looking for.
46
00:03:34,236 --> 00:03:35,589
We'll be the few, the proud-
47
00:03:35,796 --> 00:03:38,549
We'll be the best that we can be.
48
00:03:39,916 --> 00:03:42,874
No, guys,
the National Guard's motto is:
49
00:03:43,076 --> 00:03:45,431
" lf it happens on a weekend...
50
00:03:46,316 --> 00:03:48,034
...we'll be there."
51
00:03:52,156 --> 00:03:54,750
l'm open. l'm open.
52
00:03:56,156 --> 00:03:58,511
Eight touchdowns.
53
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:05,347
Hey, hey, let's do top bunks
versus bottom bunks now.
54
00:04:05,596 --> 00:04:07,507
Al, l think it may be time
to hit the hay.
55
00:04:07,756 --> 00:04:09,075
What? Are you old?
56
00:04:09,276 --> 00:04:11,028
Yeah.
57
00:04:11,596 --> 00:04:13,314
Me too.
58
00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:17,153
Oh, man, this pillow is lumpy.
59
00:04:17,396 --> 00:04:20,593
At least it doesn't have red hair
and begs for sex.
60
00:04:23,556 --> 00:04:26,150
Man, this is the life.
61
00:04:31,516 --> 00:04:33,984
Rise and shine, ladies.
62
00:04:34,196 --> 00:04:36,505
Hope you had a good night sleep...
63
00:04:36,716 --> 00:04:40,186
...because your nightmare
begins now.
64
00:04:40,396 --> 00:04:44,230
-Do you hear me?
-Sir, yes, sir.
65
00:04:46,436 --> 00:04:48,472
Am l disturbing you, private?
66
00:04:48,676 --> 00:04:50,029
Al Bundy.
67
00:04:50,236 --> 00:04:51,749
Al Bundy, sir.
68
00:04:52,236 --> 00:04:54,875
Well, no one's called me sir
in a long, long time.
69
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:58,308
How about moron?
They've called you that, haven't they?
70
00:04:58,556 --> 00:05:00,990
Sir, yes, sir.
71
00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:02,951
Ladies' shoe salesman.
72
00:05:03,156 --> 00:05:05,226
Well, you're in the reserve now.
73
00:05:05,436 --> 00:05:09,031
-You're not in some candy-ass mall.
-You haven't seen my customers.
74
00:05:09,236 --> 00:05:11,591
Every day it's the battle of the bulge,
right, Griff?
75
00:05:11,836 --> 00:05:13,906
Who's Griff?
Somebody here called Griff?
76
00:05:14,756 --> 00:05:18,351
Drop and give me 50, mall scum.
77
00:05:18,596 --> 00:05:21,394
All l got here is this five.
78
00:05:21,876 --> 00:05:23,468
Pushups, you idiot.
79
00:05:24,756 --> 00:05:28,032
And your little buddies here too.
80
00:05:31,876 --> 00:05:36,870
Okay. Top 10 reasons we're glad
your father has gone to boot camp.
81
00:05:37,116 --> 00:05:40,233
Number 10, your father is gone.
82
00:05:42,756 --> 00:05:45,668
Number nine,
he took his socks with him.
83
00:05:47,156 --> 00:05:50,751
Number eight,
we don't have to hide the food.
84
00:05:50,956 --> 00:05:51,945
Good.
85
00:05:52,156 --> 00:05:56,946
Number seven, the drains flow free.
86
00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:03,592
l think you know why l'm here.
87
00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:07,793
All the flies in the neighbourhood
have named you queen?
88
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:13,234
Peggy,
this is just some of the garbage...
89
00:06:13,436 --> 00:06:16,155
...your obnoxious children
have dumped in my yard.
90
00:06:16,396 --> 00:06:19,911
How dare you accuse
my obnoxious children?
91
00:06:20,116 --> 00:06:22,994
There's no way that you can prove
that that's our garbage.
92
00:06:25,356 --> 00:06:28,029
Colour Me Cheetahs by Clairol.
93
00:06:30,916 --> 00:06:32,713
Go, Dog, Go!
94
00:06:34,196 --> 00:06:38,155
l can't believe you threw this out.
l haven't even finished it yet, Bud.
95
00:06:40,076 --> 00:06:43,955
Bunch of dogs, big party,
nothing happens, the end.
96
00:06:44,476 --> 00:06:46,387
Sounds like one of your dates.
97
00:06:47,676 --> 00:06:50,315
Okay. You have two choices.
98
00:06:50,516 --> 00:06:53,588
l can either bury you headfirst
in my compost heap...
99
00:06:53,796 --> 00:06:56,469
...or you come with me
and pick up every piece of garbage...
100
00:06:56,676 --> 00:06:58,268
...that you have dumped in my yard.
101
00:06:58,516 --> 00:07:01,553
You mean since the garbage strike,
or since you've moved in?
102
00:07:04,036 --> 00:07:06,596
You're not worthy of the Guard.
103
00:07:06,796 --> 00:07:08,946
We're not worthy of the Guard.
104
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,756
You're out of shape
with butts of lard.
105
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,271
We're out of shape
with butts of lard.
106
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,785
Oink off, three, four.
107
00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:20,472
-Oink off.
-We're sore.
108
00:07:23,236 --> 00:07:25,830
l swear, you two are slower than snails
in molasses.
109
00:07:26,076 --> 00:07:29,989
That's a good one. Coming from a guy
whose girlfriend starred in Babe.
110
00:07:32,676 --> 00:07:34,587
l wish.
111
00:07:38,596 --> 00:07:39,585
Oh, Griff.
112
00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:42,554
l can't take it anymore.
113
00:07:42,756 --> 00:07:43,745
l quit.
114
00:07:43,956 --> 00:07:47,505
Al, you can't quit.
lf you quit, you've got to go home.
115
00:07:53,036 --> 00:07:55,470
Hey, wait a minute.
116
00:08:10,836 --> 00:08:12,064
l can't climb this wall.
117
00:08:12,276 --> 00:08:16,394
Sure you can, buddy. Don't quit.
Let me show you how it's done.
118
00:08:18,836 --> 00:08:21,304
l can't.
119
00:08:23,396 --> 00:08:24,749
lt can't be done.
120
00:08:31,276 --> 00:08:33,153
Nobody can possibly use skills
like that-
121
00:08:33,356 --> 00:08:35,745
Running through tyres,
waving your arms up in the air?
122
00:08:35,956 --> 00:08:37,912
lt's like screaming,
"Shoot me. Shoot me."
123
00:08:38,156 --> 00:08:40,386
Don't tempt me, shoe boy.
124
00:08:40,596 --> 00:08:42,507
Sir, good afternoon, sir.
125
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:45,389
And may l add your medals
are particularly shiny today, sir.
126
00:08:45,596 --> 00:08:47,905
Why are you sucking up to this guy?
127
00:08:51,196 --> 00:08:53,505
Oh, l get it.
128
00:08:54,196 --> 00:08:55,549
So, high heel...
129
00:08:55,756 --> 00:08:58,350
...are you going to finish this course
or not?
130
00:08:58,596 --> 00:09:00,712
Can't, sir. Tired, sir.
131
00:09:00,956 --> 00:09:03,345
Then let me help you rest.
132
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,190
Well, good news, ladies.
133
00:09:10,436 --> 00:09:13,234
You're getting that well-deserved
psychiatric leave, sir?
134
00:09:13,476 --> 00:09:15,706
No, l've used them all up.
135
00:09:16,036 --> 00:09:20,393
The news is basic training
is cut short.
136
00:09:20,636 --> 00:09:22,752
Thank God. l'll pack.
137
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,065
l'll warm up the car.
138
00:09:24,316 --> 00:09:26,432
Not so fast, maggots.
139
00:09:26,636 --> 00:09:28,706
This unit's been activated.
140
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:30,907
We're going on a mission.
141
00:09:31,436 --> 00:09:32,835
Permission to know where, sir.
142
00:09:33,076 --> 00:09:35,306
Denied. Now go home...
143
00:09:35,516 --> 00:09:37,154
...make love to your widows...
144
00:09:37,356 --> 00:09:41,952
...and report back here
at 1600 hours.
145
00:09:44,116 --> 00:09:45,310
Al, l'm scared.
146
00:09:45,516 --> 00:09:46,631
You're scared?
147
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,145
l gotta go home
and make love to Peg.
148
00:09:53,756 --> 00:09:54,791
We're in business, Kel.
149
00:09:54,996 --> 00:09:57,874
l got the fan belt off
of Mrs. D'Arcy's Mercedes.
150
00:09:58,076 --> 00:10:00,988
lt serves her right for making us
take our garbage back.
151
00:10:01,196 --> 00:10:03,585
Okay.
l left the D'Arcys' attic window open.
152
00:10:03,796 --> 00:10:05,991
-Are you sure this thing is aimed right?
-Yeah.
153
00:10:06,196 --> 00:10:08,312
Now, l've calculated the exact
trajectory...
154
00:10:08,516 --> 00:10:11,872
...taking into account mass, angle,
velocity and wind speed.
155
00:10:12,116 --> 00:10:15,188
And, of course,
your complete lack of sex appeal.
156
00:10:16,196 --> 00:10:19,745
-What does that have to do to with it?
-Well, l had so many variables.
157
00:10:19,956 --> 00:10:22,231
l needed one constant.
158
00:10:24,036 --> 00:10:27,551
lt's amazing how you can figure out
a difficult mathematical equation...
159
00:10:27,756 --> 00:10:30,793
...but yet you can't find your way out
of a frat house.
160
00:10:32,036 --> 00:10:33,992
l can too.
161
00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:35,470
l just yell, " l'm pregnant."
162
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:38,270
And the next thing you know,
l'm out in the alley.
163
00:10:39,396 --> 00:10:40,795
Okay. Let's let her rip.
164
00:10:40,996 --> 00:10:42,349
Okay.
165
00:10:43,316 --> 00:10:45,432
And here we go.
166
00:10:45,676 --> 00:10:47,587
Pull.
167
00:10:47,996 --> 00:10:49,668
Yeah.
168
00:10:51,996 --> 00:10:53,793
What are you kids up to?
169
00:10:53,996 --> 00:10:55,793
Recycling.
170
00:10:56,716 --> 00:10:59,514
Well, family,
l'm off to fight the forces of evil.
171
00:10:59,716 --> 00:11:01,229
That's nice, dear.
172
00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:02,869
Will someone pay attention here?
173
00:11:03,076 --> 00:11:07,149
They're having me go out to fight
horrible people, probably the French.
174
00:11:07,596 --> 00:11:09,905
You may never see me again.
175
00:11:10,116 --> 00:11:12,266
Dad, maybe l should join the Army.
176
00:11:12,476 --> 00:11:14,467
l hear women
are attracted to men in uniform.
177
00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:15,865
lt's not the uniform, son.
178
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:19,785
lt's knowing that he's been trained
to obey orders and eat crap.
179
00:11:20,996 --> 00:11:23,635
Oh, no, Daddy is going away again?
180
00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:27,073
Now,
this time he's joined the Post Office.
181
00:11:28,476 --> 00:11:29,465
Don't worry, pumpkin...
182
00:11:29,676 --> 00:11:33,271
...Daddy is not going to any place
as dangerous as that.
183
00:11:33,516 --> 00:11:37,270
Kel, l thought you of all people would
recognise a man in a military uniform.
184
00:11:37,756 --> 00:11:41,544
This is what they look like on?
Oh, my God. They're so cute.
185
00:11:41,796 --> 00:11:44,230
Honey, you shouldn't say things
like that to Daddy...
186
00:11:44,436 --> 00:11:47,155
...after he's just been trained
to use a gun.
187
00:11:47,796 --> 00:11:49,309
Peg.
188
00:11:49,636 --> 00:11:51,513
Don't you want to kiss me goodbye?
189
00:11:51,716 --> 00:11:54,549
Tonight,
l may be standing in harm's way.
190
00:11:54,796 --> 00:11:59,506
Al, l don't care where you're standing
as long as it isn't in front of Ricki Lake.
191
00:12:00,796 --> 00:12:01,945
Bud...
192
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:05,273
...until l come back, you're going to be
the man of the family.
193
00:12:05,476 --> 00:12:06,704
Make me proud, son.
194
00:12:06,956 --> 00:12:09,231
l will, Dad, and don't worry.
195
00:12:09,436 --> 00:12:12,269
l'll keep all your Big 'Uns safe
and sound until you get back.
196
00:12:12,516 --> 00:12:13,665
That's not necessary, son.
197
00:12:13,876 --> 00:12:16,948
What the hell do you think
l got in this bag?
198
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,426
Daddy, be very careful.
199
00:12:20,676 --> 00:12:22,314
Oh, Kel, what are you worried about?
200
00:12:22,516 --> 00:12:26,225
The National Guard is nothing but a
bunch of Boy Scouts with beer bellies.
201
00:12:26,476 --> 00:12:30,105
You take it all for granted, don't you,
you little pinkos?
202
00:12:30,476 --> 00:12:31,909
Well, keep this in mind.
203
00:12:32,116 --> 00:12:34,152
The National Guard
is the thin green line...
204
00:12:34,356 --> 00:12:36,665
...that separates you
from total anarchy.
205
00:12:36,876 --> 00:12:40,425
And l'm damn proud to do anything
my country asks of me.
206
00:12:41,156 --> 00:12:45,388
l'm not doing it.
You can't make me pick up garbage.
207
00:12:45,996 --> 00:12:49,955
You do what l tell you to do
and any more lip out of you and l'll-
208
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,315
Tell.
209
00:12:53,756 --> 00:12:56,190
l wouldn't have done this
if it wasn't for you guys.
210
00:12:56,396 --> 00:12:59,354
"Join the Reserve. See the state."
211
00:12:59,596 --> 00:13:00,551
Excuse me.
212
00:13:00,756 --> 00:13:02,792
ls this mission interfering
with your whining?
213
00:13:03,636 --> 00:13:06,673
Now, these strikers are angry.
Watch your backs.
214
00:13:06,876 --> 00:13:09,106
Oh, like l'm afraid of them
garbage men.
215
00:13:09,316 --> 00:13:11,955
What are they gonna do?
Make noise early in the morning?
216
00:13:19,076 --> 00:13:21,715
Run away. Run away.
217
00:13:24,916 --> 00:13:27,032
Told you so.
218
00:13:28,396 --> 00:13:30,864
And hit.
219
00:13:31,756 --> 00:13:33,474
That was a good one, Kel.
220
00:13:33,676 --> 00:13:36,349
You know, l kind of wish
Daddy was here to enjoy this.
221
00:13:36,596 --> 00:13:37,870
Oh, l know.
222
00:13:38,076 --> 00:13:41,273
l can't believe
he hasn't even written since he left.
223
00:13:41,916 --> 00:13:44,589
Mom, he's only been gone
for four hours.
224
00:13:45,916 --> 00:13:49,955
Well, in that case,
l guess l better get on with my life.
225
00:13:50,276 --> 00:13:52,506
Maybe you should
throw over your father's clothes.
226
00:13:52,716 --> 00:13:55,514
l could really use the closet space.
227
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,904
Look. l'm gonna have to adjust
this tension. Okay?
228
00:13:59,116 --> 00:14:00,390
-Okay.
-Now-
229
00:14:00,596 --> 00:14:02,951
Whatever you do,
don't touch that lever.
230
00:14:03,196 --> 00:14:04,231
What, this one?
231
00:14:12,916 --> 00:14:14,429
Cool.
232
00:14:17,476 --> 00:14:20,036
Way to navigate, Jefferson.
233
00:14:20,636 --> 00:14:24,549
l am your commanding officer.
l should be addressed as sir.
234
00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:28,425
But if l called you sir,
what would l call your wife?
235
00:14:30,516 --> 00:14:33,269
And for your information,
we're not lost.
236
00:14:33,476 --> 00:14:37,264
Now, according to this map, we can't
be more than a finger away from base.
237
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:39,865
Which finger? This one?
238
00:14:40,156 --> 00:14:42,351
Oh, very nice.
239
00:14:42,676 --> 00:14:47,545
You owe the good people of Waukegan
an apology for that little gesture.
240
00:14:47,796 --> 00:14:51,994
Lieutenant D'Arcy, l want to say this
in the most respectful way possible.
241
00:14:52,196 --> 00:14:55,108
Get us home
or we're gonna frag your ass.
242
00:14:57,556 --> 00:14:59,035
Come in, Ziploc team.
243
00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:01,875
Are you out there? Over.
244
00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:03,871
We read you, over.
245
00:15:04,076 --> 00:15:07,068
Listen up, men. The Hefty team
is taking a big dumpster.
246
00:15:07,276 --> 00:15:11,428
We need backup at 23rd and Addison.
Copy?
247
00:15:11,676 --> 00:15:14,190
Roger. On our way. Over. Okay.
248
00:15:15,036 --> 00:15:17,630
Okay.
We have to go through the auto yard.
249
00:15:17,836 --> 00:15:19,633
-Griff, you should go first.
-Good idea.
250
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,986
l don't think so.
251
00:15:22,236 --> 00:15:23,715
Let me rephrase.
252
00:15:23,916 --> 00:15:25,827
l'm ordering you to go first.
253
00:15:26,076 --> 00:15:29,273
Then let me rephrase. Bite me.
254
00:15:30,836 --> 00:15:32,394
Haven't you ever seen a war movie?
255
00:15:32,596 --> 00:15:35,793
The black man always gets it first.
256
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:38,985
What do you mean?
257
00:15:39,196 --> 00:15:40,948
Jim Brown in The Dirty Dozen.
258
00:15:41,156 --> 00:15:43,147
Laurence Fishburne
in Apocalypse Now.
259
00:15:43,356 --> 00:15:45,870
Bubba in Forrest Gump.
260
00:15:46,876 --> 00:15:49,595
Any black man in Star Trek.
261
00:15:49,796 --> 00:15:51,991
We go in, test the waters,
get killed...
262
00:15:52,196 --> 00:15:54,994
...and you white guys
go home to your families.
263
00:15:56,036 --> 00:15:58,027
See, we both lose.
264
00:16:02,676 --> 00:16:05,065
Will you two pipe down.
The strikers will hear us.
265
00:16:05,276 --> 00:16:06,709
Now, come on. Let's move out.
266
00:16:13,716 --> 00:16:15,513
Come on, Griff.
267
00:16:15,716 --> 00:16:17,513
Look out.
268
00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:21,914
-Man down.
-Cover us. Cover us.
269
00:16:22,116 --> 00:16:23,708
Gotcha.
270
00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:27,991
Oh, Griff.
271
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:31,984
Griff, why? Oh, why? Oh, why?
272
00:16:32,876 --> 00:16:35,629
That shell was meant for me.
273
00:16:35,836 --> 00:16:37,064
Oh, listen, Al.
274
00:16:37,276 --> 00:16:39,915
-Would you do something for me?
-Anything, buddy.
275
00:16:40,156 --> 00:16:43,671
lf l don't make it, would you look up
my ex-wife and-
276
00:16:43,876 --> 00:16:45,389
And tell her that you love her?
277
00:16:45,596 --> 00:16:49,145
No, tell her that she's a bitch.
278
00:16:52,196 --> 00:16:54,756
You'll be able to tell her that in person,
buddy.
279
00:16:56,316 --> 00:17:00,628
Oh, my God, a grenade. Take cover.
280
00:17:00,876 --> 00:17:03,993
lt's an avocado, Jefferson.
281
00:17:05,556 --> 00:17:09,151
Why don't you throw yourself on it
and we'll have guacamole.
282
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:14,109
l can't take the pressure.
l want my Marcie.
283
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,904
Come in. Anyone.
284
00:17:19,116 --> 00:17:20,071
Help.
285
00:17:20,276 --> 00:17:23,313
I can't help you, Ziploc. I'm alone.
286
00:17:23,516 --> 00:17:26,508
I'm pinned under a dumpster
on the other side of the wall.
287
00:17:26,716 --> 00:17:27,910
What should we do?
288
00:17:28,116 --> 00:17:31,347
Pull out. Save your candy-asses.
289
00:17:32,516 --> 00:17:33,790
You heard him. Let's go home.
290
00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:38,149
l got some yolk in my ear,
but l think l can drive.
291
00:17:42,036 --> 00:17:43,549
l'm going in after them.
292
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:44,911
Are you crazy?
293
00:17:45,156 --> 00:17:46,271
Maybe so.
294
00:17:46,476 --> 00:17:50,947
But l'm going to show that sergeant
that High Heel Bundy is no candy-ass.
295
00:18:11,076 --> 00:18:12,509
l'm coming, sarge.
296
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:14,911
Forget it, High Heel,
you'll never make it.
297
00:18:17,036 --> 00:18:18,788
The hell l won't.
298
00:18:25,436 --> 00:18:27,427
-Sorry, sarge.
-You're a fool.
299
00:18:27,636 --> 00:18:29,513
You'll never move this dumpster.
300
00:18:29,716 --> 00:18:30,785
Oh, yeah?
301
00:18:30,996 --> 00:18:33,749
You're looking at a man
who pried a 500-pound woman...
302
00:18:33,956 --> 00:18:35,435
...from a size six pump.
303
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,712
Well, Private Bundy...
304
00:19:00,916 --> 00:19:02,986
...you followed my orders
and saved the sarge.
305
00:19:03,196 --> 00:19:05,790
Nice try, Panty Waist.
306
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:10,512
lf anyone's a hero around here,
it's Bundy.
307
00:19:10,876 --> 00:19:12,992
Gee, thanks, sarge.
308
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:16,789
I don't know but I've been told.
309
00:19:17,036 --> 00:19:20,665
Garbage stinks when it gets old.
310
00:19:20,876 --> 00:19:23,948
Let's go have a beer that's cold.
311
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:27,268
And leave the Guard
Because we're too old.
312
00:19:27,516 --> 00:19:29,632
-Sound off.
-One, two.
313
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,828
-Sound off.
-Three, four.
314
00:19:36,396 --> 00:19:38,910
Bud, it's a good thing that you landed
on Mrs. D'Arcy...
315
00:19:39,116 --> 00:19:41,505
...or you could have really
gotten hurt.
316
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:44,865
l am hurt, Kelly.
317
00:19:45,516 --> 00:19:46,551
Stop whining.
318
00:19:46,756 --> 00:19:49,350
The first time in months
you've been on top of a woman...
319
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,512
...and she even screamed.
320
00:19:55,116 --> 00:19:57,107
Damn, l'm good.
321
00:19:57,596 --> 00:20:00,269
You know, Bud,
according to this insurance policy...
322
00:20:00,476 --> 00:20:03,274
...if your father comes home
looking half as bad as you...
323
00:20:03,476 --> 00:20:04,909
...we'll make a fortune.
324
00:20:13,116 --> 00:20:18,110
The garbage strike is over
because Corporal Bundy struck back.
325
00:20:18,356 --> 00:20:21,507
-Oh, Daddy.
-Oh, Al, you're home...
326
00:20:21,716 --> 00:20:23,911
...and all in one piece.
327
00:20:24,116 --> 00:20:25,549
How are my girls?
328
00:20:25,796 --> 00:20:29,311
Bud, you bulked up
since l've been gone.
329
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:34,115
l'm in a body cast, Dad.
330
00:20:34,356 --> 00:20:36,187
Well, it looks good on you.
331
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,475
Come on, Bud, l think Mom and Dad
would like to be alone.
332
00:20:39,676 --> 00:20:41,428
Okay. Okay.
But just don't touch my-!
333
00:20:41,636 --> 00:20:43,911
Don't touch my hand!
334
00:20:46,396 --> 00:20:49,069
Oh, Al, l'm so proud of you.
335
00:20:49,276 --> 00:20:52,109
You ended the garbage strike.
And you got a promotion.
336
00:20:52,316 --> 00:20:55,672
Yeah, Peg,
l was awarded the Bronze Dumpster.
337
00:20:56,396 --> 00:21:00,275
You know, Al, all wars are followed
by a baby boom.
338
00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:02,194
Let's repopulate.
339
00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:04,154
Oh, Peg, l can't.
340
00:21:04,356 --> 00:21:06,790
l was injured in battle.
341
00:21:07,956 --> 00:21:10,311
l'm not the man l was.
342
00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:11,905
Oh, great.
343
00:21:12,116 --> 00:21:15,074
One injury
and it's a pre-existing condition.
344
00:21:34,756 --> 00:21:36,986
lncoming!1
00:00:03,912 --> 00:00:06,187
Why are we doing this, Peg?
2
00:00:06,392 --> 00:00:09,225
The last time we had a party,
it was a disaster.
3
00:00:09,552 --> 00:00:11,668
lt was our wedding.
4
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:16,388
l rest my case.
5
00:00:17,232 --> 00:00:19,985
Give me one good reason
why l should go through with this.
6
00:00:20,392 --> 00:00:23,270
l won't make you have sex
for the rest of the month.
7
00:00:23,752 --> 00:00:25,265
Deal.
8
00:00:29,712 --> 00:00:32,465
Just my luck. One month without sex,
and it's February.
9
00:00:32,672 --> 00:00:35,345
l'm tacking on two extra days, Peg.
10
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,584
Hi.
11
00:00:45,352 --> 00:00:47,149
l brought shrimp balls.
12
00:00:47,352 --> 00:00:50,901
Well, l can see that,
but what's in the bowl?
13
00:00:53,992 --> 00:00:56,665
l always feel so welcome
when l come into this house.
14
00:00:56,872 --> 00:00:59,511
Gee, l must be doing
something wrong.
15
00:01:00,632 --> 00:01:01,860
Shrimp balls.
16
00:01:02,472 --> 00:01:05,908
Those will go great
with the ketchup l'm serving.
17
00:01:06,712 --> 00:01:10,785
Oh, l see someone's been watching
Martha Stewart.
18
00:01:15,192 --> 00:01:18,423
-Hi, hi, hi.
-Hey, buddy.
19
00:01:24,272 --> 00:01:25,546
Who's your date, Griff?
20
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:26,980
This is...
21
00:01:27,552 --> 00:01:29,065
..." Nancy."
22
00:01:29,992 --> 00:01:32,506
Okay.
Who's up for some Passion?
23
00:01:32,712 --> 00:01:35,272
She takes her clothes off,
l'm out of here.
24
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:38,703
lt's a party game, you idiot.
25
00:01:38,912 --> 00:01:42,905
Yeah. lt tests how much you know
about the person you love the most.
26
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:45,872
Fair enough.
l'll take John Wayne for 20.
27
00:02:28,992 --> 00:02:31,108
What are you doing?
28
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:34,783
Bud, l have been climbing
these stairs for over an hour.
29
00:02:34,992 --> 00:02:37,460
l am not getting any higher.
30
00:02:40,352 --> 00:02:43,105
Kelly, this chick-boxing movie
could be your big break. Okay?
31
00:02:43,312 --> 00:02:44,984
-l know.
-You gotta stay in shape.
32
00:02:45,192 --> 00:02:47,990
-Look. Let's run some lines, all right?
-Yeah.
33
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:49,621
You're crazy, kid.
34
00:02:49,832 --> 00:02:52,027
No one can beat Big Mama O'Grady.
35
00:02:52,232 --> 00:02:54,985
Yo, Nicky, l know l can take her.
36
00:02:55,192 --> 00:02:58,548
That mother of two is going down.
37
00:02:59,592 --> 00:03:00,627
She'll murder you.
38
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:03,824
She's a jungle tigress
and you're just a pussy cat.
39
00:03:04,032 --> 00:03:07,263
Well, let me tell you something
about this cat.
40
00:03:07,472 --> 00:03:09,542
-She has claws.
-She has claws.
41
00:03:10,952 --> 00:03:13,785
Skank alert.
42
00:03:14,192 --> 00:03:15,386
That's Heather Talrico.
43
00:03:15,592 --> 00:03:17,901
She's always going after my parts.
44
00:03:18,112 --> 00:03:20,706
l wish she'd go after mine.
45
00:03:22,752 --> 00:03:26,108
Well, well.
lf it isn't the little bimbo that couldn't.
46
00:03:27,152 --> 00:03:31,384
Well, well.
lf it isn't the human ThighMaster.
47
00:03:31,872 --> 00:03:35,911
You know what, Bundy? l'd love to shut
that black hole you call a mouth.
48
00:03:36,112 --> 00:03:39,582
With what?
That planet you call an ass?
49
00:03:45,512 --> 00:03:47,662
Why even bother to show up
for this part, Kelly?
50
00:03:47,872 --> 00:03:49,385
You know l'm gonna get it.
51
00:03:49,592 --> 00:03:51,310
l always get everything you want.
52
00:03:51,512 --> 00:03:53,423
Your jobs, your boyfriends.
53
00:03:53,632 --> 00:03:55,145
l could even have him.
54
00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:57,627
Hey, you wanna be my brother?
55
00:04:00,912 --> 00:04:02,550
God, yes.
56
00:04:05,232 --> 00:04:07,746
Drop dead, sicko.
57
00:04:08,152 --> 00:04:09,221
Look, Heather.
58
00:04:09,432 --> 00:04:13,903
l am going to get this role
for two reasons.
59
00:04:17,152 --> 00:04:21,828
Number one,
l am better at actressing than you are.
60
00:04:22,032 --> 00:04:24,751
And number two, l can box.
61
00:04:24,952 --> 00:04:26,590
Really? You want a piece of me?
62
00:04:27,352 --> 00:04:29,946
There's an exclusive club.
63
00:04:30,552 --> 00:04:33,589
Okay. Just you and me in the ring.
64
00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:39,150
Fine. And the loser,
which will be Y-O-U...
65
00:04:40,352 --> 00:04:42,468
...won't try out for the part.
66
00:04:42,672 --> 00:04:44,663
You're on, frat-house toy.
67
00:04:44,872 --> 00:04:47,306
Be here Sunday, 4 sharp.
68
00:04:47,512 --> 00:04:48,581
Oh, wait. l can't.
69
00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:50,703
That's when l get my manicure
from Matteo.
70
00:04:51,152 --> 00:04:54,701
-Don't you just love him?
-Oh, l know. He's so great.
71
00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:57,545
Make it 3, then.
72
00:04:57,912 --> 00:05:01,143
l'm gonna give you a knuckle salad.
73
00:05:02,192 --> 00:05:03,989
Sandwich.
74
00:05:04,192 --> 00:05:05,591
No, thanks. l'm in training.
75
00:05:10,152 --> 00:05:15,590
Okay. Marcy's favourite song is...
76
00:05:15,792 --> 00:05:17,350
..."You Light Up My Life."
77
00:05:21,992 --> 00:05:25,143
You light up my life, Jefferson.
78
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,948
Oh, look, love bug.
79
00:05:28,152 --> 00:05:30,950
We're about to go from First Kiss
to Eternal Bliss.
80
00:05:33,352 --> 00:05:36,105
l'm about to go from " up" to "chuck."
81
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:43,628
Okay. Griff.
82
00:05:43,832 --> 00:05:49,065
What is Nancy's idea
of a perfect romantic evening?
83
00:05:49,272 --> 00:05:52,582
Of course, we just met,
so l'm just guessing here.
84
00:05:52,792 --> 00:05:57,183
But l'll say pepperoni pizza, a foot rub
and a pile of kung-fu movies.
85
00:06:01,272 --> 00:06:02,705
We're getting our butts kicked.
86
00:06:02,912 --> 00:06:05,346
We're still on First Date Drive.
87
00:06:05,552 --> 00:06:07,508
Okay, Jefferson.
88
00:06:07,712 --> 00:06:10,545
What was Marcy's childhood dream?
89
00:06:12,232 --> 00:06:15,304
My princess
wanted to be a princess.
90
00:06:19,872 --> 00:06:24,024
l bet Nancy's dream was to be
Mrs. Jimmy "JJ" Walker.
91
00:06:24,232 --> 00:06:25,984
Dy-no-mite!
92
00:06:29,592 --> 00:06:30,866
All right, Al.
93
00:06:31,072 --> 00:06:34,747
Now, use that beer sponge
you call a brain.
94
00:06:34,952 --> 00:06:37,989
Well, since "sucking the life out
of my husband and leaving him...
95
00:06:38,192 --> 00:06:41,468
...an empty husk"
is too long for the card...
96
00:06:41,672 --> 00:06:45,028
...l'll say a cowgirl.
97
00:06:48,552 --> 00:06:49,746
Try again.
98
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,945
A cow?
99
00:06:56,072 --> 00:06:58,108
How many times have l told you?
100
00:06:58,312 --> 00:07:01,827
When l was a little girl,
l wanted to be a ballerina.
101
00:07:03,192 --> 00:07:04,341
Ballerina?
102
00:07:04,552 --> 00:07:08,340
Well, you sure are my nutcracker.
103
00:07:16,832 --> 00:07:21,508
Al, making fun of your soul mate's
childhood dream.
104
00:07:21,712 --> 00:07:24,146
Go back two spaces.
105
00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:25,827
Nice going, Al.
106
00:07:26,032 --> 00:07:28,421
Now we're not even on the board.
107
00:07:28,872 --> 00:07:32,023
All right, buddy.
Let's try an easy one.
108
00:07:32,592 --> 00:07:34,423
When is Peg's birthday?
109
00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:42,151
l know this one because it's a month
that has a vowel in it.
110
00:07:43,792 --> 00:07:47,785
-How long have they been married?
-Hey, one question at a time here.
111
00:07:47,992 --> 00:07:50,267
l'd say M-
112
00:07:51,352 --> 00:07:53,308
March 12th.
113
00:07:53,512 --> 00:07:54,627
April 12th.
114
00:07:54,832 --> 00:07:57,904
Hey, hey, now.
For a shot in the dark, that was close.
115
00:07:58,552 --> 00:08:03,068
That's what you say in the bedroom
at night. lt doesn't work there either.
116
00:08:04,872 --> 00:08:05,987
l can't believe you, Al.
117
00:08:06,192 --> 00:08:09,264
How is it that you know the ninth play
of your championship game-?
118
00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:11,542
Forty-two Blast on two.
119
00:08:13,712 --> 00:08:16,226
And yet you don't know
my favourite movie...
120
00:08:16,432 --> 00:08:19,151
...my birthday,
or the colour of my eyes.
121
00:08:19,352 --> 00:08:22,230
Well, we should have got
partial credit for bloodshot.
122
00:08:26,752 --> 00:08:27,901
All right, guys.
123
00:08:28,112 --> 00:08:29,989
Guys, we're gonna give you
another chance.
124
00:08:30,192 --> 00:08:32,501
All right. Al.
125
00:08:32,712 --> 00:08:36,148
Where did you and Peggy...
126
00:08:36,392 --> 00:08:38,144
...first make love?
127
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,190
Yes!
128
00:08:40,392 --> 00:08:42,667
We're back on the board, Peg.
129
00:08:42,872 --> 00:08:45,181
How could anybody forget that night?
130
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,110
lt was so hot.
131
00:08:47,312 --> 00:08:49,303
We were out of control, huh, babe?
132
00:08:49,512 --> 00:08:54,302
l'll never forget that Ping-Pong table
in your uncle's rumpus room.
133
00:08:58,352 --> 00:09:01,742
My uncle does not have
a Ping-Pong table.
134
00:09:05,432 --> 00:09:07,582
Does he have a rumpus room?
135
00:09:09,672 --> 00:09:13,267
l think Al's remembering
the wrong rumpus.
136
00:09:14,392 --> 00:09:18,021
lt was on a crate
behind the Tastee Freez.
137
00:09:18,232 --> 00:09:21,065
And it was beautiful.
138
00:09:25,112 --> 00:09:27,421
Anyone wanna play Twister?
139
00:09:28,232 --> 00:09:31,542
l can't believe that you'd forget
the most romantic night of our lives.
140
00:09:31,752 --> 00:09:33,310
Well, l remember, sweetheart.
141
00:09:33,512 --> 00:09:35,946
And then we shared a Mr. Softy.
142
00:09:36,152 --> 00:09:37,107
Oh, yeah.
143
00:09:37,312 --> 00:09:40,463
And we've been sharing one
ever since.
144
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:46,987
What, Peg?
145
00:10:02,832 --> 00:10:04,470
Good.
146
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:06,628
Come on. Come on.
147
00:10:07,312 --> 00:10:08,665
Good.
148
00:10:12,032 --> 00:10:15,945
Body blow. Body blow.
Go ahead. Come on. Go ahead.
149
00:10:33,312 --> 00:10:35,223
Come on, now. Come on.
150
00:10:35,432 --> 00:10:37,184
Come on, Bundy. That's all you got?
151
00:10:37,392 --> 00:10:38,984
You hit like a girl.
152
00:10:39,192 --> 00:10:41,752
Yeah, well, you pee like one.
153
00:10:43,752 --> 00:10:47,062
That was a temporary
medical condition.
154
00:10:48,192 --> 00:10:49,625
-Come on.
-Hey.
155
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:57,186
Hey. Hey, pumpkin, don't box.
You can get brain damage.
156
00:10:58,472 --> 00:11:00,190
Oh, yeah, right.
157
00:11:01,352 --> 00:11:03,263
Let me teach you the famous
Bundy combo.
158
00:11:03,472 --> 00:11:06,191
Now, you stomp
on your opponent's foot.
159
00:11:06,392 --> 00:11:07,745
You hit him with an uppercut.
160
00:11:07,952 --> 00:11:09,863
You mean like this?
161
00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:11,630
Thattagirl.
162
00:11:11,832 --> 00:11:13,629
But next time, put your weight into it.
163
00:11:13,832 --> 00:11:16,027
-Okay. Weight into it.
-Bud, quit playing around.
164
00:11:16,232 --> 00:11:19,110
-Okay, l think l got it. l think l got it.
-She hurt my nose.
165
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:22,145
Bingo! Thattagirl!
166
00:11:22,352 --> 00:11:23,990
Well, that was fun, Daddy.
Thank you.
167
00:11:24,192 --> 00:11:26,706
-What's in the box?
-Oh, it's a present for your mom.
168
00:11:26,912 --> 00:11:27,981
We had a big fight.
169
00:11:28,192 --> 00:11:29,307
l'm in the doghouse.
170
00:11:29,912 --> 00:11:33,029
Oh, Daddy, that's terrible.
Where did Lucky sleep?
171
00:11:34,672 --> 00:11:37,266
Look, Sugar Ray Tard.
172
00:11:37,912 --> 00:11:39,345
lt's a figure of speech.
173
00:11:39,552 --> 00:11:42,020
No, l actually was in the doghouse.
174
00:11:42,232 --> 00:11:44,666
These Snausages are good too.
175
00:11:45,432 --> 00:11:48,071
See, and look, no tartar.
176
00:11:55,592 --> 00:11:56,707
Peg.
177
00:11:56,912 --> 00:11:58,186
Peg.
178
00:11:59,192 --> 00:12:02,309
Peg, l got you something.
179
00:12:02,512 --> 00:12:05,663
-Oh, Al.
-l hope you like it.
180
00:12:06,152 --> 00:12:08,347
See, it matches the couch.
181
00:12:12,512 --> 00:12:14,787
You actually thought
that this would fit me?
182
00:12:14,992 --> 00:12:17,187
Yes. No.
183
00:12:17,712 --> 00:12:19,862
Well, maybe.
Whatever the right answer is.
184
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,427
Come on, Peg.
A guy doesn't know things like this.
185
00:12:22,792 --> 00:12:25,022
Jefferson knows Marcy's dress size.
186
00:12:25,232 --> 00:12:27,792
That's because Jefferson
wears them.
187
00:12:30,872 --> 00:12:32,066
Al, you stink.
188
00:12:32,272 --> 00:12:35,981
Peg, l can't help that.
lt's because of the Snausages.
189
00:12:36,192 --> 00:12:38,706
What else can l do? l know.
l'll take you to the movies.
190
00:12:38,912 --> 00:12:40,664
The Great Escape's
playing at the Bijou.
191
00:12:40,872 --> 00:12:41,941
No, thank you.
192
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:43,267
l'd rather be alone.
193
00:12:48,112 --> 00:12:50,182
Gee, for 25 years,
l've dreamed of this moment.
194
00:12:50,392 --> 00:12:51,950
How come l'm not happy?
195
00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:56,183
Just like her to ruin this for me too.
196
00:12:58,432 --> 00:12:59,831
Doesn't Al understand?
197
00:13:00,032 --> 00:13:02,182
l just wanna spend more time
with him.
198
00:13:02,392 --> 00:13:05,464
Doesn't Peg understand
l just wanna be left alone?
199
00:13:06,872 --> 00:13:10,023
You know, and he's been
less attentive in bed.
200
00:13:10,232 --> 00:13:12,826
ls that possible?
201
00:13:13,032 --> 00:13:14,670
Oh, Marcy, what should l do?
202
00:13:14,872 --> 00:13:16,544
Leave him.
203
00:13:17,112 --> 00:13:19,785
l'm sorry,
l was thinking about what l would do.
204
00:13:20,632 --> 00:13:22,907
Or any sane woman.
205
00:13:23,112 --> 00:13:25,387
Listen, have you thought about
seeing someone?
206
00:13:25,592 --> 00:13:29,346
Well, l have had my eye
on the UPS guy.
207
00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:34,622
No. l mean you and Al
should see a marriage counsellor.
208
00:13:34,832 --> 00:13:38,461
Yeah, but then wouldn't l have
to tell him about the UPS guy?
209
00:13:38,672 --> 00:13:41,903
Trust me.
Going to counselling will open Al up.
210
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:46,628
Trust me.
Going to counselling will shut Peg up.
211
00:13:47,672 --> 00:13:51,062
Come on, Jefferson. Let's go home
and leave these two alone to talk...
212
00:13:51,272 --> 00:13:54,309
...or grunt,
whichever the case may be.
213
00:13:56,432 --> 00:13:59,071
Thank God
we have a normal marriage, huh?
214
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:02,469
Let's go home and play
Fullback and the Tramp.
215
00:14:04,032 --> 00:14:06,671
l'll meet you
behind the Tastee Freez.
216
00:14:07,512 --> 00:14:08,945
Sorry.
217
00:14:10,552 --> 00:14:13,146
Where do they come up
with this sick stuff?
218
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,185
Al, we need to talk.
219
00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:21,104
Honey, l wanna go
to a marriage counsellor.
220
00:14:21,312 --> 00:14:23,189
So go.
221
00:14:23,392 --> 00:14:25,223
Al.
222
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,150
Why won't you go to therapy?
223
00:14:27,352 --> 00:14:30,867
Maybe it's you who don't know me.
Because if you knew me, Peg...
224
00:14:31,072 --> 00:14:33,950
...you'd know that there are
certain things l do not do.
225
00:14:34,152 --> 00:14:36,712
l do not floss.
226
00:14:37,272 --> 00:14:39,945
l do not eat vegetables.
227
00:14:40,152 --> 00:14:43,781
l do not like French pastry.
l do not like the French.
228
00:14:45,312 --> 00:14:46,984
l do not cry at movies.
229
00:14:47,192 --> 00:14:52,107
Except, of course, Old Yeller,
because we know it was very sad.
230
00:14:52,312 --> 00:14:54,507
But most importantly, Peg...
231
00:14:54,712 --> 00:14:59,069
...l will never, ever,
under any circumstances...
232
00:14:59,272 --> 00:15:00,864
...go to a head shrinker.
233
00:15:01,072 --> 00:15:03,427
-But, Al-
-You go, Peg.
234
00:15:03,632 --> 00:15:07,750
There is no threat vicious enough,
no torture terrible enough...
235
00:15:07,952 --> 00:15:10,341
...to ever make me change my mind.
236
00:15:17,672 --> 00:15:18,787
Hello, Mom?
237
00:15:18,992 --> 00:15:20,869
Al's being mean to me again.
238
00:15:21,072 --> 00:15:23,028
Could you come stay
for a few months?
239
00:15:23,232 --> 00:15:24,267
No, Peg.
240
00:15:24,472 --> 00:15:25,825
Peg, no, Peg.
241
00:15:26,032 --> 00:15:28,307
Peg, no, Peg.
242
00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:30,901
l'll go. l'll go.
243
00:15:32,792 --> 00:15:34,862
Okay. She's all yours, Kelly.
244
00:15:35,072 --> 00:15:38,781
And hopefully, after you beat
her brains to mush, she's all mine.
245
00:15:39,152 --> 00:15:42,110
Float like a horsefly,
sting like a flea.
246
00:15:42,312 --> 00:15:45,622
No one can touch me, l'm Kelly.
247
00:15:47,792 --> 00:15:49,225
That movie role is mine.
248
00:15:49,432 --> 00:15:51,582
You're going down, street meat.
249
00:15:52,232 --> 00:15:54,302
Let's rock.
250
00:15:56,712 --> 00:15:58,668
-l hate you. Oh, hey.
-Watch it, Kel.
251
00:16:00,832 --> 00:16:02,550
Kelly, duck!
252
00:16:07,552 --> 00:16:09,747
Hey. Nobody hits my brother.
253
00:16:09,952 --> 00:16:11,908
At least, not without dating him first.
254
00:16:12,112 --> 00:16:13,989
You know,
you fight as bad as you act.
255
00:16:14,192 --> 00:16:17,264
Yeah, well, you fight as bad
as Brooke Shields acts.
256
00:16:18,192 --> 00:16:20,342
That's it, Bundy. l'm taking you out.
257
00:16:20,552 --> 00:16:22,702
No, thanks. l already have plans.
Come on.
258
00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:24,341
Come on. Come on.
259
00:16:42,792 --> 00:16:45,431
One, two.
260
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:50,669
The winner and star
of Catfight.: The Movie...
261
00:16:50,872 --> 00:16:54,581
...the Blond Bomber, Kelly Bundy.
262
00:16:58,432 --> 00:17:00,309
-l'm gonna be a movie star.
-Yes.
263
00:17:00,512 --> 00:17:03,151
l can't wait to see my face
on the big screen.
264
00:17:10,272 --> 00:17:13,230
l can tell right away
this counsellor's an idiot, Peg.
265
00:17:14,392 --> 00:17:16,826
Why couldn't we have gone
to that guy l saw on TV?
266
00:17:17,032 --> 00:17:20,911
Al, l am not going to a drive-through
marriage counsellor.
267
00:17:21,952 --> 00:17:24,830
Dr. Back-in-the-Sack
looked quite nurturing, Peg.
268
00:17:25,032 --> 00:17:27,830
And they wash your car
after every session.
269
00:17:28,592 --> 00:17:30,548
Hi. You must be the Bundys.
270
00:17:30,752 --> 00:17:32,105
l'm Dr. Longo.
271
00:17:32,472 --> 00:17:34,702
Please, won't you sit down?
272
00:17:35,912 --> 00:17:37,630
So how are you today?
273
00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:41,901
Those trick questions
won't work on me, doc.
274
00:17:42,112 --> 00:17:44,387
You can probe around in my head
all you want.
275
00:17:44,592 --> 00:17:46,503
You ain't gonna find anything
in there.
276
00:17:48,312 --> 00:17:50,109
l believe you.
277
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:56,150
But the whole point of therapy
is to discuss our problems.
278
00:17:56,352 --> 00:17:58,229
Oh, no, we're not gonna talk
about me.
279
00:17:58,592 --> 00:18:00,742
Well, l'm not the one with a problem.
280
00:18:01,192 --> 00:18:03,752
Okay. Well, then...
281
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:06,466
...we could talk about my problems.
282
00:18:06,672 --> 00:18:10,904
But l don't think a discussion
of my vinyl fetish will help any of us.
283
00:18:11,112 --> 00:18:13,501
Although l might enjoy it.
284
00:18:13,712 --> 00:18:15,589
Okay. l'll talk.
285
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:20,627
You know, l'm not one to cast blame,
but this really is all Al's fault.
286
00:18:20,832 --> 00:18:23,471
He just doesn't pay any attention
to me anymore.
287
00:18:23,672 --> 00:18:26,027
lsn't that true, Al?
288
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,149
Al?
289
00:18:29,832 --> 00:18:32,824
Mr. Bundy, l sense a reluctance
to communicate here.
290
00:18:33,032 --> 00:18:37,264
Well, that's gonna make your job just
a little bit tougher, isn't it, vinyl boy?
291
00:18:38,432 --> 00:18:40,184
Go ahead.
292
00:18:40,392 --> 00:18:42,189
Make me talk.
293
00:18:43,512 --> 00:18:49,109
Well, we have heard Mrs. Bundy
complain that you don't pay attention.
294
00:18:49,312 --> 00:18:52,224
So, Mr. Bundy- Mr. Bundy?
295
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,583
Can l have my balls back?
296
00:18:58,992 --> 00:19:01,631
Welcome to my world, doc.
297
00:19:08,672 --> 00:19:11,425
So other than the obvious...
298
00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:14,465
...what would be your main complaint
about your wife?
299
00:19:14,672 --> 00:19:18,551
l don't have any complaints about Peg.
Well, maybe just one tiny, little thing.
300
00:19:18,752 --> 00:19:20,947
Oh, great.
Now we're gonna hear about how...
301
00:19:21,152 --> 00:19:24,303
...if he hadn't gotten married, he would
have been a pro football player.
302
00:19:24,512 --> 00:19:26,787
Well, that's true.
l should be retired right now...
303
00:19:26,992 --> 00:19:30,268
...selling my autograph on QVC
and addicted to the finest painkillers...
304
00:19:30,472 --> 00:19:32,064
...money can buy.
305
00:19:35,392 --> 00:19:37,144
l gave up a lot too, you know.
306
00:19:37,352 --> 00:19:40,310
l know, down at the docks.
307
00:19:40,792 --> 00:19:43,590
l am referring to the fact
that l could have been married...
308
00:19:43,792 --> 00:19:47,068
...to Vito Leonetti
and been a successful Mafia wife.
309
00:19:47,272 --> 00:19:48,751
l don't think so, Peg.
310
00:19:48,952 --> 00:19:53,503
Mafia wives have to cook. You think
the heads of the Five Families...
311
00:19:53,712 --> 00:19:56,465
...are gonna be sitting around
tasting your tuna surprise?
312
00:19:56,672 --> 00:19:59,391
They don't like surprises, Peg.
313
00:20:00,352 --> 00:20:04,311
You know, l'm wearing a vinyl surprise
right now...
314
00:20:05,072 --> 00:20:06,824
...and it feels great.
315
00:20:11,632 --> 00:20:14,021
You happy now, Peg?
316
00:20:14,232 --> 00:20:16,029
We just wasted 15 bucks.
317
00:20:16,232 --> 00:20:19,030
That's half a day's wage
to listen to this nut job...
318
00:20:19,232 --> 00:20:21,871
...talk about his plastic pants.
319
00:20:22,072 --> 00:20:23,824
Excuse me. They're vinyl.
320
00:20:24,352 --> 00:20:26,707
-Shut up.
-Shut up.
321
00:20:26,912 --> 00:20:29,949
Another good choice, Peg. l don't know
why l even put up with you.
322
00:20:30,352 --> 00:20:34,664
Well, if l'm so difficult to put up with,
why don't you just leave?
323
00:20:35,272 --> 00:20:36,466
Well, maybe l will.
324
00:20:36,672 --> 00:20:38,310
So go.
325
00:20:38,512 --> 00:20:40,104
Walk out that door.
326
00:20:40,312 --> 00:20:44,430
Turn around now,
you're not welcome anymore.
327
00:20:45,832 --> 00:20:49,620
l will survive.
328
00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,550
This is great.
329
00:20:51,752 --> 00:20:54,266
lt sure is. l'm moving out, Peg.
330
00:20:54,472 --> 00:20:57,350
And much like that empty promise
to shave those shoulders...
331
00:20:57,552 --> 00:21:00,112
...l'll believe it when l see it.
332
00:21:00,312 --> 00:21:04,100
You'll be wishing you had
these shaggy shoulders to cry on, Peg.
333
00:21:07,112 --> 00:21:08,545
Same time next week?
334
00:21:08,752 --> 00:21:10,629
We just broke up.1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,398
Previously on Married with Children.:
2
00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,558
l can't believe you'd forget
the most romantic night of our life.
3
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,034
l remember, sweetheart.
4
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,959
And then we shared a Mister Softee.
5
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,039
Oh, yeah. And we've been
sharing one ever since.
6
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,432
Oh, Marcy, what should l do?
7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,119
You thought about seeing someone?
8
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:26,194
Well, l have had my eye
on the UPS guy.
9
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,918
No, l mean you and Al should
see a marriage counsellor.
10
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,633
Well, if l'm so difficult
to put up with...
11
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,159
...why don't you just leave?
12
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:37,994
Well, maybe l will.
13
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,832
So go.
14
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,598
Walk out that door.
15
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,952
Turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
16
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,631
l will survive.
17
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,957
Yeah, well, Marcy, of course.
He's always threatening to leave.
18
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,435
But somewhere
between the house and the Dodge...
19
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,791
...he realises
he'd have to break in a new toilet seat.
20
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,312
Damn, l never thought
he'd think of that.
21
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:47,749
Let me call you back.
22
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,312
So where do you think you're going?
23
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,552
To live the life l should have had.
24
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,790
So, what corner
will you be washing windshields on?
25
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,190
Wouldn't you love to know.
26
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,788
Okay, Al.
27
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,831
Go on. Just go.
28
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,031
But don't take anything
out of this house.
29
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,193
Well, l did kind of want the couch,
but then your butt would have to go too.
30
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,872
Wait a minute.
What am l thinking about?
31
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,116
l almost forgot
the two most important things.
32
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,878
What are we gonna do
about custody?
33
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,395
Well, obviously,
they should stay with me.
34
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,750
l'm the one who spends
the most time with them.
35
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,190
While l worked
to put a roof over their heads...
36
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,119
...but still had time
to listen to their stories...
37
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,754
...to laugh with them,
to cry with them?
38
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,793
Yes, but who stayed up with them
all night?
39
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,319
Oh, God.
40
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,636
l just don't think
l can live without them.
41
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,108
Well, me either.
42
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,437
Well, we'll just have to split them.
43
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,108
You take the little coloured one.
44
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,790
l can't watch football
on that little TV.
45
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,597
-Kelly, shovel the snow.
-l don't have to.
46
00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,236
Oh, no, Al, the kids.
This could scar them for life.
47
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:04,069
Don't worry. lf they can survive seeing
your mother's bathing suit fall off...
48
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,918
...they can get through this.
49
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,399
-What's going on?
-Nothing much.
50
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,797
Your mother and l are breaking up.
Take care of yourselves.
51
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,591
Don't forget to write...
52
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,995
...or colour me a pretty picture.
53
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,708
Hey, why do l get them?
54
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,996
That's the natural order of things,
Peg.
55
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:33,034
You birth them, suckle them,
take care of them.
56
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,032
We hunt.
57
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,916
Al Bundy, you are making
the biggest mistake of your life...
58
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:44,989
...not only because you are a brainless,
spineless, soapless idiot...
59
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,158
...but because you have no money.
60
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,072
Oh, yes, l do, Peg.
61
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,989
We husbands always have
our hidden little nest eggs.
62
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:58,995
Yes. And we wives always know
about that little nest egg.
63
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,192
You know the one you hid
in the vacuum? l bought a new dress.
64
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,796
And l found all the quarters
that you hid in Bud's mattress.
65
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,632
So that's why my mattress
was so lumpy.
66
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:16,151
l kept dreaming that l was sleeping
on tiny little breasts.
67
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,837
That jingled.
68
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,232
Well, you got me, Peg.
69
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,716
All my little hidey-holes
have been found out...
70
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,309
...except this one.
71
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,757
Fiendishly clever.
72
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,519
You imbeciles.
73
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,918
Don't you realise that's the only reason
we men ever lift the seat?
74
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,630
-Come on, Bud, let's go.
-l'm with you, Pop.
75
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:47,594
No, you're not. l just need someone
to help me push the car.
76
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,709
Thanks, Al.
77
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:56,710
For the first time in our marriage,
you're leaving me satisfied.
78
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,953
We wanna send a special
home-shopping hello to Peggy Bundy.
79
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,674
It's been a long time, Peggy.
80
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,233
And speaking of time...
81
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:12,149
... look at this lovely Martin Lawrence
cuck oo clock.
82
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,158
lsn't that cute?
83
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,999
The second hand has a gun.
84
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,993
It's 3.:00, bitch.
85
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,920
Hey, Mom. How you doing?
86
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,192
Oh, not bad for an over-the-hill...
87
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,837
...discarded, stringy-haired loser.
88
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,794
l don't think your hair
looks that stringy.
89
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,598
l'm all alone.
90
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:45,754
Don't worry, Mom.
91
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,872
-We'll never leave you.
-Oh, no.
92
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,039
l haven't seen her like this...
93
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,277
...since a kid at McDonald's asked her
if she was Ronald's mother.
94
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:00,229
Bud...
95
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,153
...she really misses Dad, huh?
96
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:04,713
Well, don't you?
97
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,758
l mean, remember when he...
98
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:12,677
Oh, and the cute way that he-
He...
99
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,638
But then on Christmas,
when he used to...
100
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,800
What the hell is she crying about?
101
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:22,668
l don't know.
102
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,155
-l hate to see her like this though.
-l know.
103
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,192
What do you do
when you get depressed?
104
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:32,030
Well, go out and find a rich man
to buy me stuff.
105
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,998
-Stepdaddy!
-Stepdaddy!
106
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,680
-We better hurry. Time is our enemy.
-Yeah.
107
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:42,955
So is gravity.
108
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:56,349
Al Bundy's gone away
I'll have a gag-free day
109
00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:00,872
It always pays to pray
I've never felt so gay
110
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,389
My life is over,
and you're setting off fireworks?
111
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:10,394
Well, actually, that was old man
McGinty and the rest of the block.
112
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,956
Oh, that reminds me.
The parade's at 2.
113
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,791
l am riding in the big shoe float.
114
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,993
Marcy, think about my feelings.
115
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,079
l mean, imagine if Al was your husband
and he ran off and left you.
116
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,912
l am.
117
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:30,675
l'm sorry.
118
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,312
You know, Peggy...
119
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,909
...l know this may come
as a shock to you...
120
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,839
...but l never really cared
for your ex-husband.
121
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,715
-We're not divorced.
-Think positive, Peggy.
122
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,230
Well, l can't. l'm all alone.
123
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,193
You know, l've always had a man
to take care of me.
124
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,833
First, my father...
125
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,270
...then my Aunt Bob...
126
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,317
...and then Al.
127
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,397
But now l have no one.
128
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,239
Who's gonna rub my bottom?
129
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:04,595
Marcy, l'm scared.
130
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,395
You know, l've never had a real
paycheque or balanced a chequebook.
131
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,510
Well, so neither has Al.
132
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,750
Look, Peggy,
you're in the prime of your life.
133
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,349
Your early 40s.
134
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,556
Late 30s?
135
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,594
Mid...?
136
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,074
Early...?
137
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:26,918
Twenty-nine?
138
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,913
See? You've got your whole life
ahead of you.
139
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,714
lt's your turn, girlfriend.
140
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,029
Gee, Marcy...
141
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,435
-...l'm starting to feel better already.
-Good.
142
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,712
Now, you should do what l did
after Steve left.
143
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,754
Pick up men at the airport?
144
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,479
After that.
145
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,197
ls this Al's?
146
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,632
You try.
147
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,151
Boy, l do feel better.
148
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,470
You know,
l have always hated this thing.
149
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,916
l gave you that.
150
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,038
Sorry.
151
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,715
Marcy, this is really helping me out.
152
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,993
Well, listen. After the buzz fades,
just remember that wherever Al is...
153
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,954
...that ungrateful baboon
will be feeling 10 times worse.
154
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,314
Hey.
155
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,071
Look at that.
156
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,112
You've got the moves.
157
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,629
Or the runs.
158
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,514
l'll tell you what.
159
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,672
This is the life.
You know what l did today?
160
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:06,949
l made breakfast.
161
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,309
Peg lied.
162
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,557
You don't have to make Pop Tarts
from scratch.
163
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,997
-Pretty snazzy place you got here.
-Yeah.
164
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,668
Vista del O'Hare.
165
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,590
Used up my nest egg,
but it's got a pool, it's got free cable...
166
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,870
...and it's conveniently located
right by the-
167
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:36,793
Airport?
168
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,194
Yeah. Yeah.
169
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,994
But the neighbours don't even hear
the planes anymore.
170
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,959
That's because they're deaf.
171
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,189
Hey.
172
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,153
You guys think
l ought to get Marcy a waterbed?
173
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,794
Yeah.
May l recommend Lake Michigan?
174
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,079
All right, all you babes
in the Tri-County area...
175
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:04,398
...get ready because
Dr. Al is ready to operate.
176
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,200
Not dressed like that, you're not.
177
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,960
We got to get this man
a new look, stat.
178
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:14,150
George Clooney, eat your heart out.
179
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,477
You are the money.
180
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,908
You sure women
like these contour briefs?
181
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:33,354
Oh, absolutely.
You see how they lift and separate?
182
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,028
lt's like a Wonderbra for your ass.
183
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,557
Well, they do kind of move
with you...
184
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,228
...and no visible panty line.
185
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,351
Damn, l'm hot.
186
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,594
Hey, son, come on in.
187
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,355
Hey.
188
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,553
Pretty cool pad for a rest home.
189
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,759
Son, come on over here.
Let me give you the tour.
190
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,151
Well, that's it.
191
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,355
-Hold me tight, son.
-Oh, Dad. You miss me?
192
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:13,597
No, it's the 8: 15 from Bangkok.
193
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:24,835
Nice pad, Dad.
194
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,998
Listen. Mom wanted me to bring over
some of your stuff.
195
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,592
Oh, look.
196
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,237
She shredded my Big 'Uns
into Little 'Uns.
197
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,711
Look on the bright side, buddy.
198
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,469
lt'll make a great jigsaw puzzle
on a rainy day.
199
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,952
Look, Miss July's toe.
200
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,554
Doesn't take much to get
him going, does it?
201
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,070
Son, let's me and you
go pick up some foxes.
202
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,273
Gee, Dad, l'd love to...
203
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,438
...but between your new hair
and new ass, l don't stand a chance.
204
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,958
-You got that right.
-Yeah.
205
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,992
Oh, yeah.
206
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,556
You know, l haven't been
in a singles bar in 15 years.
207
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,389
Mom, you've been married
for 25 years.
208
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,398
Gee, l hope l remember what to do.
209
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:40,038
Oh, yeah.
lt's all coming back to me now.
210
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,674
Mom, you can't act so pushy.
211
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,791
Kelly, it's the '90s.
212
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,355
Women are supposed
to be the aggressors.
213
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,357
Yeah, if they're losers.
214
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:54,429
All you have to do is sit back, unbutton
a button, and they'll all come to you.
215
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,039
That is just sick.
216
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,515
You are setting yourself up
for a domineering...
217
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,711
...sexually aggressive relationship.
218
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,518
Well, duh.
219
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,950
Well, what do you suggest we do?
220
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,311
Lie naked on the hood of a Trans Am
out in the parking lot?
221
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,755
No, not till last call.
222
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,073
Just watch and learn.
223
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,752
See you.
224
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:28,117
You know, l taught her that
the first day of junior high.
225
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,753
Oh, l'm so proud.
226
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,428
l just hate this place.
227
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,232
Maybe it would be best to just...
228
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,637
...go home
and get in bed with Jefferson.
229
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,430
Well, l'll try anything once.
230
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,836
l mean, you're right.
231
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,473
This place isn't for us.
232
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,148
Look at all these hot young things.
233
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,837
That gorgeous redhead
with that little blond boy.
234
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,235
That's us, Peggy.
235
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,713
Talk about your babe watch.
236
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,672
Make way, boys.
237
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:20,749
Lifeguard Al
is about to do a little body surfing.
238
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,190
Traffic school, my ass.
239
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,472
l'll fix his ticket.
240
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,115
You're busted.
241
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,594
Her bust?
242
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,995
Yeah, isn't it great?
243
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,430
l tell you, if Marcy
had headlights like these...
244
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,517
...l wouldn't have to go
to traffic school.
245
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,230
Of course, my 4th touchdown
was really my best.
246
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,590
l faked out Porlogo...
247
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,028
...went to the right...
248
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,630
...and sprinted 75 yards
up the middle of the field...
249
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,149
...and then l scored.
250
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,635
Unlike tonight.
251
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,709
Now, why would a lesbian
even go to a straight bar?
252
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,758
l never thought this could happen.
253
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,191
l've actually met somebody
as beautiful as me.
254
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,118
You have a big ego.
255
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,392
lt matches my wallet and my car.
256
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:54,789
Anything else?
257
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,752
Quick, call the paramedics!
This old guy's having a heart attack!
258
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,757
lt looks like his diaper
is coming off.
259
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,551
God, l love Mom's new boyfriend.
260
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,393
l don't miss that-
261
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,512
That guy who used to live here at all.
262
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,672
Here, hold this.
263
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,752
Hello.
264
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,029
Daddy?
265
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,312
No, l'm sorry, he's not here right now.
Can l take a message?
266
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,832
lt's Daddy, pumpkin.
267
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,674
" Daddy Pumpkin."
268
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,198
And a number where he can reach you,
Mr. Pumpkin?
269
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:54,551
Sweetheart, is there someone there
l can talk to with a brain stem?
270
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,236
Put your brother on.
271
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,839
Okay.
272
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,952
Hey, Bud, you're really handsome.
273
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,111
l did it, Dad.
274
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,919
Well, thanks for calling, Daddy.
275
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,838
Oh, before l forget...
276
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,634
...a Mr. Pumpkin called for you.
277
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:18,998
Okay?
278
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,877
All right. l love you, Daddy. Bye.
279
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,398
-Hey, Al.
-Hey.
280
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,635
Come on, Al.
281
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,391
Let's put on those contour briefs
and shake our money makers.
282
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,318
No, l think l'll just stay in tonight...
283
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,590
...and wash my hair.
284
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,075
Wash it?
285
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:52,478
Just run a DustBuster through
that puppy and let's be on our way.
286
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,478
l've been out every night this week.
287
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,557
l'm tired.
288
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,548
Tired of going out, shelling out
and striking out.
289
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,515
Yeah, well, maybe Al's right.
290
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,678
-Nobody wants to go out every night.
-l do.
291
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,229
Sure you do, because you're married.
292
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,597
Come on, Al.
You're just depressed...
293
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,031
...because you've been turned down
by a few hundred women.
294
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:20,715
Last night, one kicked me in the groin
with her leg. Her wooden one.
295
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,348
That's because you still got
Peggy's scent on you.
296
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,790
Most women are sensitive
about those things.
297
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,877
Who needs them?
298
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,557
All we really need in life
is our buddies...
299
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,591
...our beer...
300
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,356
...an occasional dirt bath.
301
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,995
And women condition us
to think we need them. We don't.
302
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,156
All we need are each other.
303
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,673
Hi.
304
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,473
l'm one of your neighbours.
305
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,669
Are you busy?
306
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:57,798
Get out.
307
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,230
-Out.
-You mean you're throwing us out?
308
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,317
-l thought we were your buddies.
-You are.
309
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,193
That's why l'm throwing you
out the door and not the window.
310
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,155
l'm sorry to bother you,
but l broke a heel...
311
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,635
...and l heard
you were in the shoe business.
312
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,751
-Can you fix this?
-Oh, of course l can.
313
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,393
l fix these all the time.
314
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,398
My wife-
l mean, my former wife.
315
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,870
wears shoes just like these.
316
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,997
Are you divorced?
317
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,231
l can be.
318
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,516
-What's she like?
-Oh, l'd rather not say.
319
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:31,349
She wouldn't want me talking about her
in front of another woman.
320
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,630
She's the fiery type,
wiggles when she walks...
321
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,717
...can't get enough of me in bed.
322
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,038
Am l talking about her again?
323
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:39,755
That's okay.
324
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,030
l still talk about my ex-boyfriend.
325
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,390
Would you like to know
what he's like?
326
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,076
Hey, well, let me guess.
327
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,311
Big, mean, built like an ape.
328
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,753
Thanks for fixing my shoe.1
00:00:02,486 --> 00:00:04,875
Previously on Married With Children.:
2
00:00:05,086 --> 00:00:10,001
Thanks, Al. For the first time in our
marriage, you're leaving me satisfied.
3
00:00:10,206 --> 00:00:13,437
That satisfaction, however,
was short-lived.
4
00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:17,195
Don't worry, Mom.
We'll never leave you.
5
00:00:18,726 --> 00:00:22,321
Meanwhile, Al reinvented himself.
6
00:00:24,446 --> 00:00:26,880
And while Peggy's luck
turned for the better...
7
00:00:27,086 --> 00:00:31,477
-You have a big ego.
-lt matches my wallet and my car.
8
00:00:31,686 --> 00:00:34,519
...Al's luck, well...
9
00:01:23,566 --> 00:01:25,522
Oh, Al, that's a beaut.
10
00:01:25,726 --> 00:01:28,240
l haven't seen a shiner that bad
since l told my wife...
11
00:01:28,446 --> 00:01:31,119
...she was starting to look
like Al Roker.
12
00:01:31,326 --> 00:01:33,681
Well, it looks like Marcy was right.
13
00:01:34,126 --> 00:01:35,878
She said
it was only a matter of time...
14
00:01:36,086 --> 00:01:38,759
...before some woman
beat the holy hell out of you.
15
00:01:39,286 --> 00:01:42,961
l'll have you know
l got this black eye last night...
16
00:01:43,166 --> 00:01:45,157
...explaining to a jealous boyfriend...
17
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:48,199
...how the little lady
would rather stay with me.
18
00:01:49,126 --> 00:01:51,003
Well, where is she?
19
00:01:51,206 --> 00:01:53,515
l sent her out shopping
for a new waterbed.
20
00:01:53,726 --> 00:01:57,321
This one has a leak,
and l worry so when she bounces.
21
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:02,160
So you just tell Marcy that
l'm doing just fine with the ladies.
22
00:02:02,366 --> 00:02:05,085
That Al Bundy is not only
moving in the fast lane...
23
00:02:05,286 --> 00:02:08,323
...he's doing wheelies in it, baby.
24
00:02:09,766 --> 00:02:11,802
ls that true, Al? About the girl?
25
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:13,439
Every word of it.
26
00:02:13,646 --> 00:02:16,444
Except the guy's name was Sasquatch,
the girl left with him...
27
00:02:16,646 --> 00:02:19,319
...and there's an odour
coming from that bed scares even me.
28
00:02:21,846 --> 00:02:23,438
Are things really that bad?
29
00:02:23,646 --> 00:02:25,716
Yes, things are that bad.
30
00:02:25,926 --> 00:02:30,078
Married men can never go back to
being single. See, there's this gene...
31
00:02:30,286 --> 00:02:33,517
...it's called the single gene.
lt's in us when we're born...
32
00:02:33,726 --> 00:02:37,241
...but as soon as we marry,
it mysteriously disappears.
33
00:02:37,446 --> 00:02:40,722
Nobody knows why,
but l suspect it's removed...
34
00:02:40,926 --> 00:02:45,317
...chromosome by chromosome
by our wives.
35
00:02:46,046 --> 00:02:48,355
And how would they go about this?
36
00:02:48,566 --> 00:02:52,479
Do we really know
why they own so many tweezers?
37
00:02:53,486 --> 00:02:56,046
So, Al,
if they don't like us being single...
38
00:02:56,246 --> 00:02:58,521
...why do they keep kicking us
out of the house?
39
00:02:58,726 --> 00:03:00,796
That's part of their cruel tricks.
40
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:03,679
See, without the single gene,
we're helpless.
41
00:03:03,886 --> 00:03:07,959
We just wander around,
smelling of Rogaine and gin...
42
00:03:10,446 --> 00:03:15,725
...until finally,
we fall off our toilets and die.
43
00:03:23,366 --> 00:03:24,594
Well, lookie here.
44
00:03:24,806 --> 00:03:27,400
You know, l would have thought
grocery shopping for you...
45
00:03:27,606 --> 00:03:30,245
...would involve swinging from trees.
46
00:03:30,446 --> 00:03:32,835
l'd love to stand here
and chat with you, Marce...
47
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,719
...but l'd think standing this close
to the fryer section...
48
00:03:35,926 --> 00:03:38,076
...would make you a little nervous.
49
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,197
So l guess l'll just mosey along.
50
00:03:40,406 --> 00:03:42,442
Fine. l was gonna
talk to you about Peggy...
51
00:03:42,646 --> 00:03:44,796
...but you wouldn't
be interested anymore.
52
00:03:45,006 --> 00:03:47,474
-Peg? ls Peg here?
-No.
53
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:50,405
She's getting her hair done
for a little dinner party...
54
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,005
...that she's throwing tonight.
55
00:03:52,206 --> 00:03:55,357
-Oh, Peg is throwing a dinner party.
-That's right.
56
00:03:55,566 --> 00:03:59,400
She has a date
with a wealthy, gorgeous man.
57
00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:01,642
She asked me
to pick out a nice wine for us.
58
00:04:01,846 --> 00:04:05,316
Oh, excuse me.
Do you have a hearty Bordeaux?
59
00:04:05,526 --> 00:04:10,042
Wine is aisle four.
Just step over Mrs. Bradley.
60
00:04:10,246 --> 00:04:14,034
Oh, excuse me. l'm spending
the evening with a supermodel...
61
00:04:14,246 --> 00:04:18,125
...and are these
all the condoms you have?
62
00:04:23,286 --> 00:04:24,560
Of course not.
63
00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:28,839
l have more in back,
right next to the reality pills.
64
00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:30,035
Let me get them.
65
00:04:31,686 --> 00:04:34,803
Well, Al,
have fun with your supermodel.
66
00:04:35,006 --> 00:04:37,839
Try not to get any paper cuts.
67
00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:43,318
Okay, bullet head.
We both know what's going on here.
68
00:04:43,526 --> 00:04:45,835
l don't have a date tonight,
and Bonbon Betsy...
69
00:04:46,046 --> 00:04:47,604
...isn't giving any dinner party.
70
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,838
Right, Al.
71
00:04:50,846 --> 00:04:53,565
Yeah, the truth is,
is that Peggy was hoping...
72
00:04:53,766 --> 00:04:55,563
...that you could come
to dinner tonight.
73
00:04:55,766 --> 00:04:58,405
l tried to talk her out of it,
but you know how stubborn-
74
00:04:58,606 --> 00:05:00,597
How about l get there around 6?
ls that okay?
75
00:05:01,326 --> 00:05:04,443
Perfect. See you at 6.
76
00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:11,522
" Ribbed for her pleasure."
77
00:05:14,086 --> 00:05:16,156
They're never happy.
78
00:05:22,846 --> 00:05:26,361
Hey, this isn't even warm.
79
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:28,599
-Well, we'll help you out.
-Yeah.
80
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:31,320
After all, we wanna make
a good impression on Stepdaddy.
81
00:05:31,526 --> 00:05:33,517
-That's right.
-Which you are...
82
00:05:33,726 --> 00:05:38,242
...since you are currently in Brazil,
saving the rainforest.
83
00:05:38,446 --> 00:05:41,836
We are? l hope we meet Sting.
84
00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:45,726
Mom, why don't you want us
to meet this guy?
85
00:05:45,926 --> 00:05:48,804
Same reason you never wanna bring
your dates home to meet me.
86
00:05:49,006 --> 00:05:53,204
Stepdaddy's a lazy,
bonbon-swilling Opraholic?
87
00:05:53,726 --> 00:05:58,004
Do you know how difficult it is for
a single working mom to meet a man?
88
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:01,205
Wait a minute. Let's see.
You don't work...
89
00:06:01,406 --> 00:06:03,442
...and technically, you're not single.
90
00:06:03,646 --> 00:06:06,638
And you've never really
been much of a mom.
91
00:06:07,606 --> 00:06:09,005
Bud, how could you say that?
92
00:06:09,206 --> 00:06:13,165
She raised two kids who are
about to save the rainforest. Hello?
93
00:06:16,086 --> 00:06:17,644
Let me put it this way:
94
00:06:17,846 --> 00:06:21,475
Either you get out of here, or l'm gonna
send you to live with your father.
95
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,716
So would anyone
like some more potato salad?
96
00:06:28,246 --> 00:06:29,235
No, no.
97
00:06:32,966 --> 00:06:36,879
Well, l hope
you're all enjoying your meal.
98
00:06:37,726 --> 00:06:41,401
l've been enjoying this bite
for half an hour.
99
00:06:41,926 --> 00:06:46,442
What is this delightful
crunchy coating?
100
00:06:46,646 --> 00:06:49,444
Well, that's rust from the pan.
101
00:06:51,646 --> 00:06:54,604
You know,
iron is really good for you.
102
00:06:54,806 --> 00:06:56,478
l hope you saved room for dessert.
103
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,555
Oh, God.
l wonder what dessert's gonna be.
104
00:07:10,766 --> 00:07:12,757
Phlegm brule?
105
00:07:14,006 --> 00:07:15,041
l'll go find out.
106
00:07:15,246 --> 00:07:20,479
Bruce, why don't you tell Jefferson
about those car dealerships you own?
107
00:07:20,686 --> 00:07:23,439
Suck up to him, honey.
lt could mean a job.
108
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,562
Have you heard
about the new Korean car?
109
00:07:27,766 --> 00:07:30,883
lt's got a Sun Myung Moon roof.
110
00:07:32,406 --> 00:07:35,921
Rich and funny. God, l'm a catch.
111
00:07:39,486 --> 00:07:40,635
Oh, he's wonderful, Peggy.
112
00:07:40,846 --> 00:07:43,758
He reminds me of Jefferson,
except with his own credit cards.
113
00:07:45,606 --> 00:07:50,964
-l know. You know, he is perfect, but l-
-lf you don't want him, l'll take him.
114
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:54,283
-Well, what about Jefferson?
-Who's Jefferson?
115
00:07:56,686 --> 00:07:58,916
Are you all right?
116
00:07:59,606 --> 00:08:03,884
All right, all right, here we go.
Up, up. Come on, up.
117
00:08:20,846 --> 00:08:23,883
Jefferson must really want a job.
118
00:08:34,006 --> 00:08:37,316
lf you didn't like it, you could have
just spit it up into your napkin.
119
00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:39,039
No, no, no, that was wonderful...
120
00:08:39,246 --> 00:08:42,761
...it's just that l hate to see you
slaving away in the kitchen.
121
00:08:42,966 --> 00:08:44,843
From now on, we eat out.
122
00:08:45,966 --> 00:08:48,605
Can we go to one of those
fancy French places?
123
00:08:48,806 --> 00:08:52,879
Well, my darling,
if this year-end Yugo-palooza sale...
124
00:08:53,086 --> 00:08:56,556
...goes as well as l expect,
l'll be taking you to dine in Paris.
125
00:08:56,766 --> 00:08:59,200
Ever made love in the Eiffel Tower?
126
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:03,957
Well, no, but once l frenched a guy
in the Sears Tower.
127
00:09:22,446 --> 00:09:25,643
Al. Well, what are you doing here?
128
00:09:25,846 --> 00:09:27,802
l invited him.
129
00:09:28,006 --> 00:09:32,045
Al, l'd like you to meet
Peggy's new boyfriend...
130
00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:35,837
...Bruce.
131
00:09:39,926 --> 00:09:42,998
Look, Jefferson,
we have our Christmas card.
132
00:09:45,366 --> 00:09:49,678
Gee, Peg,
you really have a new boyfriend.
133
00:09:51,126 --> 00:09:53,276
Well, this is an awkward moment.
134
00:09:53,486 --> 00:09:57,161
Fortunately, l'm so self-centred
it's not gonna bother me.
135
00:09:58,006 --> 00:09:59,564
Well, me either.
136
00:10:01,966 --> 00:10:05,402
The only reason l accepted
Marcy's invitation was an excuse...
137
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,597
...to see my dog.
138
00:10:08,886 --> 00:10:11,525
Hey there, fella.
How you doing there?
139
00:10:11,726 --> 00:10:16,163
Hey, l brought you
some bonbon biscuits here.
140
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:19,642
You can't imagine
how l miss this guy.
141
00:10:19,846 --> 00:10:22,121
Didn't he used to be bigger?
142
00:10:23,646 --> 00:10:24,601
That was Buck.
143
00:10:26,046 --> 00:10:28,037
Well, goodbye, all. l gotta be going.
144
00:10:28,246 --> 00:10:31,443
Frankly, coming back to this house
is giving me the willy-squidgets.
145
00:10:32,246 --> 00:10:37,923
Oh, well, let me show you out.
This is the happiest day of my life.
146
00:10:38,126 --> 00:10:40,686
Hey, no problem.
147
00:10:40,886 --> 00:10:42,239
Well, that went well.
148
00:10:42,446 --> 00:10:44,801
Here's some flowers for you.
149
00:10:52,566 --> 00:10:55,876
l can't believe
we finally get to meet Stepdaddy.
150
00:10:56,086 --> 00:10:59,920
Now, remember, he's gonna be trying
to buy our affection.
151
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,084
So to really rake it in,
l suggest we play hard to get.
152
00:11:03,286 --> 00:11:04,844
Play what?
153
00:11:08,766 --> 00:11:10,597
Hard to get.
154
00:11:15,126 --> 00:11:18,198
lt's like when you have a date
and you decide to wear a bra.
155
00:11:18,406 --> 00:11:21,204
-Oh, right. Okay, baby, l got it.
-Yeah. There you go.
156
00:11:22,286 --> 00:11:25,358
Kids, Bruce will be here any minute.
157
00:11:25,566 --> 00:11:29,400
Now, remember:
Put your best foot forward.
158
00:11:32,966 --> 00:11:36,117
What's she talking about?
They look exactly the same.
159
00:11:37,366 --> 00:11:41,837
-That's him. He's here.
-Now, remember: hard to get.
160
00:11:45,286 --> 00:11:46,241
-Hi. l'm Bruce-
-Hi.
161
00:11:46,446 --> 00:11:48,880
We love you, Stepdaddy.
162
00:11:49,686 --> 00:11:52,962
Kelly, Kelly.
That's not playing hard to get.
163
00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:55,122
lt is for me.
164
00:11:56,286 --> 00:11:57,321
Nice to meet you.
165
00:11:57,526 --> 00:12:00,962
Yeah, l thought you two would be
in Brazil, saving the rainforest.
166
00:12:01,166 --> 00:12:05,079
Oh, well, we had to come back
because we forgot our umbrellas.
167
00:12:05,286 --> 00:12:07,356
lt was, like, raining,
you know what l mean?
168
00:12:07,566 --> 00:12:09,363
Actually, we live here.
169
00:12:09,566 --> 00:12:12,399
You ought to know that Kelly and l
are extremely protective...
170
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:15,439
...of our dear mother.
We want only the best for her.
171
00:12:15,646 --> 00:12:16,635
Oh, me too.
172
00:12:16,846 --> 00:12:20,156
That's why l've been thinking
that maybe you two should be leaving...
173
00:12:20,366 --> 00:12:22,561
...this split-level Porta-Potty...
174
00:12:22,766 --> 00:12:25,439
...and taking responsibility
for your own lives.
175
00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:35,004
He's a wicked stepdaddy.
176
00:12:36,086 --> 00:12:38,919
Kelly, hug him hard, and don't let go
until you got his wallet.
177
00:12:43,526 --> 00:12:48,805
Well, l see you've met my daughter.
Are we still dating?
178
00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:52,840
Yes, of course. Yes.
179
00:12:53,046 --> 00:12:55,640
But this would make
a great Penthouse letter.
180
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,599
-You have to dump him.
-Yeah.
181
00:13:00,806 --> 00:13:06,085
-He's a bad man. He's a very bad man.
-He doesn't like us.
182
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,641
Yeah, but most people don't.
183
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,441
Have you ever thought
that it might be you?
184
00:13:12,566 --> 00:13:15,364
Mom, he's trying
to take you away from us.
185
00:13:15,566 --> 00:13:18,558
l know that,
and don't you try to stop him.
186
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,045
All right, all right.
187
00:13:21,246 --> 00:13:25,797
We didn't wanna have
to tell you this, but he's a woman.
188
00:13:27,686 --> 00:13:30,837
And he touched me.
189
00:13:36,326 --> 00:13:38,123
You wish.
190
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:42,559
Now, look,
l know that Bruce isn't perfect...
191
00:13:42,766 --> 00:13:46,122
...and he doesn't have
your father's animal magnetism...
192
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:51,036
...or his animal scent
or his hairy knuckles...
193
00:13:51,246 --> 00:13:53,316
...but what he does have is money.
194
00:13:53,526 --> 00:13:56,040
Enough to turn me
into a lady of leisure.
195
00:13:56,246 --> 00:14:00,159
Mom, if you were any more leisurely,
you'd be unconscious.
196
00:14:01,206 --> 00:14:03,674
Yes, but l'd be unconscious
on a suede couch...
197
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,399
...with a big-screen TV...
198
00:14:05,606 --> 00:14:09,042
...and a maid serving me bonbons,
right, Bruce?
199
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:16,201
l get it now. He's just using Mom
to get his green card.
200
00:14:18,006 --> 00:14:20,520
Should you do me the honour
of becoming Mrs. Right...
201
00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:23,240
...l'm sure you'll wanna learn
how to cook and clean.
202
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:26,324
Why can't l have a maid? You're rich.
203
00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:29,040
And l plan to stay that way.
204
00:14:29,726 --> 00:14:33,275
l certainly
don't wanna end up like this.
205
00:14:35,246 --> 00:14:37,806
What about eating out
all around the world?
206
00:14:38,006 --> 00:14:41,078
Oh, we can do that
while we're courting.
207
00:14:41,286 --> 00:14:43,322
But as we say in the car business...
208
00:14:43,526 --> 00:14:47,155
...you don't have to kiss ass
once you close the deal.
209
00:14:48,606 --> 00:14:52,485
And just what makes you think
that l wanna close the deal?
210
00:14:52,686 --> 00:14:54,756
l just assumed that.
211
00:14:54,966 --> 00:14:57,196
l mean, a top-of-the-line model
like myself...
212
00:14:57,406 --> 00:15:00,557
...doesn't stay long
on the showroom floor.
213
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:04,520
And although
you are very attractive...
214
00:15:04,726 --> 00:15:06,921
...we can't turn your odometer back.
215
00:15:09,246 --> 00:15:12,841
Excuse me, but nobody talks
to my mother like that.
216
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:15,640
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it, junior?
217
00:15:16,406 --> 00:15:17,998
Kelly?
218
00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,761
lf you're in the market
for a used car, call me.
219
00:15:34,966 --> 00:15:36,922
Get out of here.
220
00:15:41,966 --> 00:15:44,036
You know what Dad would do
if he was here now?
221
00:15:44,246 --> 00:15:45,759
He'd lead us in a "Whoa Bundy."
222
00:15:46,286 --> 00:15:51,280
Yeah, but he's not here,
so it's a " No Bundy."
223
00:15:53,726 --> 00:15:56,240
What are you saying, Mom?
You miss Dad?
224
00:15:56,446 --> 00:15:59,961
More than words can say.
225
00:17:01,406 --> 00:17:02,725
l told you.
226
00:17:02,926 --> 00:17:07,920
Technically, my rent is not due
until after the 15th of the- Hi, Peg.
227
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:11,755
-Hi, Al. Can l come in?
-ln here?
228
00:17:11,966 --> 00:17:15,800
Oh, yeah. Just a minute, Peg.
Excuse me.
229
00:17:34,566 --> 00:17:35,681
Come in.
230
00:17:35,886 --> 00:17:41,756
Sorry the place is a little bit
of a mess here, but, well...
231
00:17:41,966 --> 00:17:44,321
...l live here.
232
00:17:45,126 --> 00:17:49,881
Oh, that's okay.
You know, l just came over...
233
00:17:50,966 --> 00:17:52,604
...to talk about the kids.
234
00:17:53,686 --> 00:17:56,041
Yeah. Sorry, Peg,
l'd take the kids off your hands...
235
00:17:56,246 --> 00:17:59,283
...but the manager here
says that he won't allow pets or kids...
236
00:17:59,486 --> 00:18:03,479
...and Bud and Kelly
fall in there somewhere.
237
00:18:04,486 --> 00:18:07,125
Oh, it's not that. lt's just that-
238
00:18:08,446 --> 00:18:10,755
Well, you know,
l'm worried about Bud.
239
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:14,561
He's been getting into fights lately, and
l thought you should know about that.
240
00:18:14,766 --> 00:18:18,281
Well, l certainly should.
l am still the boy's father...
241
00:18:18,486 --> 00:18:23,162
...and if he's getting in fights,
l should be there to congratulate him.
242
00:18:23,366 --> 00:18:25,243
l'll stop over
tomorrow right after work.
243
00:18:26,846 --> 00:18:28,598
Okay.
244
00:18:29,206 --> 00:18:32,437
So how is work?
245
00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:36,605
Oh, you know, can't complain.
246
00:18:36,806 --> 00:18:38,762
Well, you could try.
247
00:18:38,966 --> 00:18:41,878
You know, the kids and l
kind of miss your little shoe stories.
248
00:18:43,606 --> 00:18:48,475
Well, there was this woman
who came in the store today...
249
00:18:48,686 --> 00:18:51,041
...tried on every black high heel
we had in stock...
250
00:18:51,246 --> 00:18:53,441
...and then told us
she was just browsing.
251
00:18:53,646 --> 00:18:55,716
So just as she was leaving...
252
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:58,963
...someone plugged her right in the ass
with a 7 EEE clog.
253
00:18:59,166 --> 00:19:00,804
Don't know who.
254
00:19:03,006 --> 00:19:07,284
Someone who could rifle a football
40 yards downfield, l'll bet.
255
00:19:07,486 --> 00:19:09,556
Could be.
256
00:19:14,046 --> 00:19:16,480
So how are things with you, Peg?
257
00:19:16,686 --> 00:19:21,316
Oh, pretty good.
Marcy sends her hate.
258
00:19:22,206 --> 00:19:26,916
Marcy. An amazing amount of spunk
for a stick figure.
259
00:19:28,566 --> 00:19:32,241
You know what, Al?
l brought you something.
260
00:19:32,446 --> 00:19:36,917
See? lt has your name
right on the label.
261
00:19:37,126 --> 00:19:39,356
"A. Bundy."
262
00:19:39,566 --> 00:19:42,797
You bought me my own TV Guide.
263
00:19:43,006 --> 00:19:45,998
Well, you know,
we have been married for 25 years.
264
00:19:46,206 --> 00:19:50,404
Since you were 18 and l was 9.
265
00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:56,638
Yeah. Boy, we had
some good times, didn't we, Peg?
266
00:19:58,326 --> 00:19:59,884
Didn't we?
267
00:20:01,726 --> 00:20:06,675
Gee, l haven't
given it much thought. Probably.
268
00:20:08,486 --> 00:20:11,637
Well, l guess l better be going.
269
00:20:11,846 --> 00:20:14,440
Oh, what am l thinking?
l don't have a ride.
270
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:16,364
Kelly and her date dropped me off.
271
00:20:16,566 --> 00:20:20,559
Oh, well,
l suppose l could give you a ride.
272
00:20:20,766 --> 00:20:24,964
-lf it wouldn't be too much trouble.
-No, no trouble.
273
00:20:25,926 --> 00:20:27,962
Well, Peg, here we are.
274
00:20:28,806 --> 00:20:32,560
-Here we are where?
-Come on, Peg.
275
00:20:32,766 --> 00:20:38,523
Don't you remember Maple Lane?
And the maple tree on Maple Lane?
276
00:20:38,726 --> 00:20:44,084
Oh, Al. This is where we parked
the very first time we-
277
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,197
Yep.
278
00:20:46,406 --> 00:20:49,000
The first time we ever had a fight.
279
00:20:49,686 --> 00:20:54,043
l don't remember much about the fight,
but l sure do remember making up.
280
00:20:55,526 --> 00:20:56,675
Oh, Al.
281
00:20:56,886 --> 00:21:01,641
Since this was our biggest fight ever,
will we have our biggest makeup ever?
282
00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:04,316
You got that right, babe.
283
00:21:04,526 --> 00:21:08,917
Just like this car, we're built to last.1
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,510
Everybody limbo.
2
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,392
How low can you go?
3
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:18,673
l made it.
4
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,711
l didn't.
5
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,275
Lower the bar, boys.
l'm playing to lose.
6
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,357
Stop the music.
7
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,551
l have good news, No Ma'amers.
8
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,991
This Tuesday will be amateur night
at the Jiggly Room.
9
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:41,829
-Cool.
-Kind of like open pole night.
10
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,750
A Hooter coming-out party.
11
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,874
Hey, lqbal, that's just one
of your schemes to make money.
12
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,230
Remember he tried to make us pay
a cover charge?
13
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,908
Then an " uncover" charge?
14
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,831
Too bad you're such Negative Neds.
15
00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,077
l was just going to ask
if you'd judge the contest.
16
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,918
-Hey.
-Yeah.
17
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,588
You know, lqbal, for a guy with
an 18-drink minimum...
18
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,472
...you're all right.
19
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,673
Raise the bimbo,
it's time to limbo!
20
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,036
Forget it, Bud.
21
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:03,830
There is no way that l am going to be
the " before" girl for a diet ad.
22
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,077
Kelly, you'll look great in the "after"
shots. What's the big deal?
23
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,192
The big deal is that l have to gain
30 pounds in one week.
24
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,517
l mean, that's like a pound a day.
25
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,158
lt's not possible.
26
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,395
Yes, it is, Kelly.
27
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:22,115
Grandma Wanker gains that much
every time we go to Sizzler.
28
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,512
Well, if the camera adds 10 pounds...
29
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,188
...why can't they just use
three cameras?
30
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,991
Kelly, listen.
31
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,668
Lots of famous actors
gain weight for their parts.
32
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:36,111
Robert De Niro, Tom Hanks.
33
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,915
And you know Free Willy?
34
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,871
He used to be Flipper.
35
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,072
Really?
36
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,880
He sure let himself go.
37
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,515
Hi.
38
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,593
Oh, pork rinds.
39
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,991
These will put your father
in a romantic mood.
40
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:06,912
Come on, Kelly, let's get out of here.
41
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,469
l don't want you to lose
your appetite.
42
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,758
Hi, Peggy.
43
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,359
Here are the CDs you wanted.
44
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,591
l recommend Kenny G.
45
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:23,549
lt really hits the spot,
if you know what l mean.
46
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,076
Well, that's good,
because Al never does.
47
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:44,080
Well, Al. Who knew you could look
almost human?
48
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,754
There's a lot of things
you don't know, Marcy.
49
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,595
Like how to satisfy a man
without leaving the room.
50
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,119
Oh, Al, l can't believe
you got all dressed up.
51
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,357
Well, sure, Peg. l'm going to be
a judge at the Jiggly Room.
52
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,956
Future Hooters of America
are in my hands.
53
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,998
Well, l thought we agreed
to have a romantic evening.
54
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,189
Well, sure we did, Peg.
55
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:10,039
But l don't remember
the word "together" mentioned.
56
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,954
Al, l want to have sex.
57
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,191
That's what l'm talking about.
Sex.
58
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,790
But, Peg, in the state of lllinois,
that's illegal.
59
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,158
No, it's not. We're married.
60
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,915
But you still need
two consenting adults.
61
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,589
l'm going to make a great judge.
62
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:36,871
Peggy, l can't believe
you let Al treat you this way.
63
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,951
And where's Jefferson tonight?
64
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,151
Well, he's judging too.
65
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,790
But l had him meet me
in chambers first.
66
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,471
Oh, gosh. l just feel so lonely.
67
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,598
lt's been so long
since someone touched me.
68
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,271
Poor Peggy. l'm so sorry.
69
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:09,314
You know, Marcy,
that boyish cut really becomes you.
70
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,712
Well, Peggy, there must be something
you can do. With Al.
71
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,672
Oh, he doesn't care about me.
72
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,071
All he cares about are those stupid
strippers down at the Jiggly Room.
73
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,840
That's because
they're anonymous objects.
74
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,433
Men like mystery.
75
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,318
They like fantasy.
76
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,632
They like hiney-shaking hussies
with more plastic in them...
77
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,229
...than a Coca-Cola bottling plant.
78
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,791
-Wives just can't compete.
-l know.
79
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,749
Husbands like to see us as maids
and dishwashers and-
80
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,833
What do you call those people
who cook?
81
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,908
-Cooks?
-Yeah, them.
82
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:55,639
You know what l'm gonna do?
83
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,950
l'm gonna get out of
these frumpy clothes...
84
00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,758
...go down to that Jiggly Room...
85
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,833
...and prove to Al that l am
just as trampy...
86
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,395
...as any of those strippers.
87
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,031
Even trampier.
88
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,392
But wait. Won't Al recognise you?
89
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,756
l'll wear a veil.
90
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,912
lmagine, me as a stripper.
91
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:23,278
Well, l guess my guidance counsellor
was right after all.
92
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,914
Gentlemen, minors,
lady golfers...
93
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:33,517
...welcome to Hooter Search '97.
94
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,916
l'm your host, lqbal.
95
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:46,393
And now a man
whose selfless devotion to nudity...
96
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,200
...is an inspiration to us all.
97
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,395
Al Bundy.
98
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,998
Thank you.
99
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,516
Tonight's contestants will be judged
by two categories:
100
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,479
The left one and the right one.
101
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,388
And in the event of a tie,
the winner will be decided...
102
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,956
...by peanut butter wrestling.
103
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,151
Oh, there will be a tie...
104
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,834
...and Griff's got the Jif.
105
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,589
The votes will be tabulated
by lke and Bob Rooney...
106
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:28,191
...from the accounting firm
lke and Bob Rooney.
107
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,919
Please take your hands
out of your pants...
108
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:37,875
...for Chesty LaRue.
109
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,918
Don't worry, men,
l haven't lost a step.
110
00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:00,511
l'm as sexy as l was
when l entertained the troops.
111
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,555
Union or Confederate?
112
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,912
Oh, Lord, l think l'm blind.
113
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,718
Well, you're one of the lucky ones.
114
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,075
l used to do this number for FDR.
115
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,676
He invented the lap dance,
you know.
116
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,478
Oh, the humanity.
117
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,270
Who would have ever thought
of putting taps there?
118
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,919
l think we have a winner.
119
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,111
Chesty.
120
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,633
Wait just a curry-picking minute.
121
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,075
We have a late entry.
122
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,118
The Belle of Beirut, Jasmine.
123
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,872
Where have you been all my life?
124
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,079
She is one gorgeous stripper.
125
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,952
She's not a stripper.
126
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:42,432
She's an angel who slid down
from heaven on a brass pole.
127
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,472
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
128
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,951
l'm not ashamed to admit
that it's my personal favourite.
129
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,474
Jasmine.
130
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,958
l want to show you something.
131
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,511
And l want to see it.
132
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,395
But l need to get home to my wife.
133
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,039
Damn.
134
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,714
You only gained four pounds.
135
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,997
All right. Hurry up and finish this.
136
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,911
l'll get the pork chops
out of the Fry Daddy.
137
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,155
-Come on.
-Come on, Bud.
138
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,994
l have been eating non-stop
for three hours.
139
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,189
l'm stuffed.
140
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,517
Kelly, if you wanna be an artist,
you have to suffer for your craft.
141
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,432
Which reminds me. lt's cheese time.
142
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,757
-No, it's not cheese time. No, it's not.
-lt's cheese time.
143
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,353
-Eat.
-Hi, kids.
144
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,999
Bye, kids.
145
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,232
Okay. Now that we're done
with the cheese course...
146
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,910
-...let's have some dessert.
-Oh, okay.
147
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,794
Oh, my God.
148
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,918
This is the worst vanilla ice cream
l've ever had.
149
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,712
That's not ice cream. lt's...
150
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,279
...Crisco.
151
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,518
No, Kelly. Don't run.
152
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:07,869
You're burning calories.
153
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,469
Hi, Bud.
Bye, Bud.
154
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,352
Oh, hi, Al.
155
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:16,669
No talking. Turned on.
156
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,598
Need you. Now.
157
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,633
That was the best night since...
158
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,598
...ever.
159
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,912
There's plenty more
where that came from, babe.
160
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,352
Peg.
161
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,315
-Oh, Peggy, l am so proud of you.
-You should be.
162
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:54,071
l raked in $240 in tips last night.
163
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,437
Not to mention a watch.
164
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,393
Someone put a watch
down your G-string?
165
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,755
That's appalling.
166
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,394
Actually, it's a Timex.
167
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:11,270
Anyway, l meant you have
struck a blow for wives everywhere.
168
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,913
Now, tell me. What did Al say...
169
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,951
...when you showed him
you were Jasmine?
170
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,957
Actually, l didn't.
171
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,350
-What?
-Well, l was going to.
172
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,798
But then he just jumped on me
like a human Weenie Tot.
173
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,831
lt was so romantic.
174
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,112
Peggy, now you're not any better
than those cheap strippers.
175
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,793
Well, yes, l am.
176
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,639
l won that contest.
177
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,879
No. l mean you have set
the women's movement back 50 years.
178
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,035
Who cares?
179
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:46,711
Last night this woman's movement
was fantastic.
180
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,714
Peggy, last night Al
was not making love with you.
181
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,599
ln his head, he was
making love with some slut.
182
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,553
That's what he always does.
183
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,948
But, you see,
this time the slut was me.
184
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,670
And that makes me feel very good
about myself.
185
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,836
So now you're going
to be a stripper?
186
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,032
Actually, we call it exotic dancing.
187
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,356
lt's an art form.
188
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,999
Now, if you'll excuse me.
189
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,590
l have to go upstairs
and die my boobs for Easter.
190
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,352
Peg. Turned on again.
191
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,551
Need you. Now.
192
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,392
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
193
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,909
Daddy's home from the nudie bar-
194
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,752
Oh, hi, Al.
195
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,672
Peg, where have you been?
196
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:38,192
Well, l was just over at Marcy's,
borrowing a raincoat.
197
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,994
-No talking now, Peg. Clothes off.
-Oh, no, no, no.
198
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,236
Don't you want
to brush your teeth first?
199
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,317
Before sex?
200
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:46,879
Just for me.
201
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,759
Oh, all right, Peg.
202
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:52,472
Hey, Peg?
203
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,876
l can't find my toothbrush.
204
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,429
Well, just gargle.
205
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,471
All right.
206
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,714
Peg, that blue stuff tastes awful.
207
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,315
Honey, the red stuff is gargle.
208
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,269
The blue stuff is Tidy Bowl.
209
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,477
Oh, no. My veil.
210
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,432
Oh, no. Jasmine's veil.
211
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,114
It must have dropped
out of my pock et.
212
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,435
I better distract him.
213
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,116
I better distract her.
214
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,230
-I know. I'll turn the lights off.
-I know. I'll turn the lights off.
215
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,516
-Good idea.
-Good idea.
216
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,798
Oh, Al.
217
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,632
Oh, Peg.
218
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,552
Oh, Al.
219
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,870
Oh, Jasmine.
220
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,029
What?
221
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,437
Oh, God. I called her Jasmine.
She's going to kill me.
222
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,631
I better do that thing she lik es.
223
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,880
He called me Jasmine.
224
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,669
I'm gonna kill him.
225
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:29,232
He's doing that thing I lik e.
226
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,514
You mean Al actually
called out Jasmine's name in bed?
227
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:35,988
Can you believe it?
228
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,879
This is really not turning out
the way l'd hoped it would.
229
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,116
Who'd have thought tricking
your husband...
230
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,552
...into falling in love with a stripper
would be bad for your marriage?
231
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,910
You think Al's falling in love
with her?
232
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,430
Yup. Better watch out
or they might run away together.
233
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,753
Over my dead body.
234
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,149
Oh, my God.
235
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,670
That bitch Jasmine
is ruining my marriage.
236
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,838
Peggy, that bitch is you.
237
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,155
Well, l know that.
238
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,793
l've created a monster.
239
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,191
Although, she does make
300 bucks a night.
240
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,992
So are you gonna stop stripping?
241
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,430
l can't just stop stripping.
242
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,269
lf Jasmine just disappears,
Al will never get her out of his head.
243
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,149
No, l've got to destroy
the mystique of Jasmine.
244
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,231
Plus, one more night of this...
245
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,557
...l can buy this really cute
pair of boots.
246
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,830
Bud, l am going to kill you...
247
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,595
...and then l'm going
to bury you alive.
248
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,394
Kelly, it's not my fault
they fired you.
249
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,313
How was l supposed to know
you wouldn't gain weight evenly?
250
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,397
Well, if you would have let me
stand up...
251
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,750
...it wouldn't have all gone
to my butt.
252
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,959
Your butt's not that big.
253
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,474
lt is so.
254
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,711
l went to the grocery store,
l turned around.
255
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,992
l knocked over the
entire Pringles pyramid.
256
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,472
My career is over.
257
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,199
l wish l was dead.
258
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,638
So does that squirrel
you sat on at the park.
259
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,068
l didn't see him.
260
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,676
You were fighting him for nuts.
261
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,590
Well, my blood sugar was low.
l almost fainted.
262
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,836
That would be disastrous
for those toddlers...
263
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,156
...who tried to hide under you
for shade.
264
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,435
They were so mean.
265
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,069
They called me a Weeble.
266
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,630
Kelly, l hate to be critical.
267
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:40,759
But if you'd cut out the snacking,
you might feel better about yourself.
268
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,197
You are so dead.
269
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,799
Come on.
270
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,554
You can't even get up.
271
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,037
Kelly. Kelly. Kelly.
272
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,952
Look, there's someone
chasing you too.
273
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,754
Oh, that's just your ass.
274
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,199
Cheer up, Kel. Now, you people
are supposed to be jolly.
275
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:09,600
Help! Help!
276
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,798
You know, l think
you still got the moves.
277
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,709
Too bad some of them
are involuntary.
278
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,472
Hey, cutie.
279
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,872
Once you go grey, you'll never stray.
280
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,077
Al, where did you get
all that money?
281
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,514
From Peg's dresser.
282
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,752
Suddenly she's got all kinds
of spare cash lying around.
283
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,479
Oh, boy.
284
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,032
Oh, yeah.
285
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,835
Here she comes,
like a beautiful mirage.
286
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:03,989
l bet you'd like to take a ride
on her magic carpet.
287
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:10,156
l think Jasmine has a little crush
on Aladdin here.
288
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,874
Shut up, both of you.
You're being very immature.
289
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,150
l think l just saw her bellybutton.
290
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,029
You know, Al, you two make
a cute couple.
291
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,231
No, no, she's out of my league.
292
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,948
The worst part is she probably lives
with some loser...
293
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,798
...who doesn't appreciate her.
294
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,993
l'll tell you. lf l had a woman like that,
l would never leave home.
295
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:41,833
-You're moving now.
-Go, baby. Go, baby.
296
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,068
You know, you're much prettier
than the cartoon Jasmine.
297
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,475
Don't look.
298
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,554
You'll see it all very soon.
299
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,515
Can you see it all, boys?
300
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,555
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
301
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,356
l don't want to tell you
that l don't enjoy that a lot...
302
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,997
...but l think you ought to know
that l'm a married man.
303
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,639
Well, l don't care.
304
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,916
Neither do l.
305
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,712
You know, Jasmine,
l'd like to tell you...
306
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,633
...that l want you to tie up
the rest of my body and all...
307
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,037
...but l really gotta go
see my wife now.
308
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,236
What do you want
to see me about, Al?
309
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,159
What did you do with Jasmine?
310
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:47,433
-l didn't do anything with her.
-You killed her, didn't you, Peg?
311
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,074
Because you couldn't stand
to see me happy.
312
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,999
l am Jasmine, you idiot.
313
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,519
You can't be Jasmine.
314
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,314
Jasmine's a beautiful,
alluring woman.
315
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:01,354
While you're- You're just a wife.
316
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:02,709
That's right, Al.
317
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:07,033
And now your wife and your fantasy
are one and the same.
318
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:11,512
So now every time you have sex,
you'll think about me.
319
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,318
No!
320
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,309
Hey, Al.
321
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,069
-You want to fool around?
-Oh, all right, Peg.
322
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,113
Could you get the veil?
323
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,311
Oh, sure, honey.1
00:00:03,155 --> 00:00:04,952
You know, Al...
2
00:00:05,155 --> 00:00:07,828
...l think l wanna get a TV
in the bedroom.
3
00:00:08,515 --> 00:00:11,632
Good idea, Peg. Then we'll instal
a fridge in the nightstand...
4
00:00:11,835 --> 00:00:13,826
...and you won't need legs at all.
5
00:00:15,355 --> 00:00:18,586
You know, if body parts fell off
because of lack of use...
6
00:00:18,795 --> 00:00:21,229
...you'd be a Ken doll.
7
00:00:22,315 --> 00:00:23,794
Kelly...
8
00:00:26,475 --> 00:00:28,511
What? l don't know what
you're so upset about.
9
00:00:28,715 --> 00:00:30,706
lt was a perfectly good role.
10
00:00:35,595 --> 00:00:40,032
Oh, yeah. The kind
you can really sink your teeth into.
11
00:00:40,235 --> 00:00:42,032
You gotta be willing to pay your dues.
12
00:00:42,235 --> 00:00:46,353
l am, but l can't be
a cheese hostess forever, Bud.
13
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,872
Of course you can't.
You have an expiration date.
14
00:00:53,155 --> 00:00:58,183
Look at me. My career's a joke.
Come on, help me out of this thing.
15
00:00:58,395 --> 00:01:03,025
-All right, pumpkin, we'll help you.
-Oh, it's okay, we love you.
16
00:01:05,115 --> 00:01:07,470
We'd like you more with crackers.
17
00:01:09,875 --> 00:01:12,264
You know, Bud, next time
she gets a job like this...
18
00:01:12,475 --> 00:01:14,431
...maybe it could be as a bonbon girl.
19
00:01:14,835 --> 00:01:16,985
There won't be a next time...
20
00:01:17,195 --> 00:01:21,313
...because another agent has called me
from the Almost Artists Agency.
21
00:01:21,955 --> 00:01:25,391
That would be a big mistake, Kel.
They'll treat you like a piece of meat.
22
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:28,025
Hear that, Peg?
We're gonna get meat.
23
00:01:29,795 --> 00:01:33,185
Fine. Then you have one week
to get me a decent job.
24
00:01:33,395 --> 00:01:34,874
And that means nothing edible.
25
00:01:35,075 --> 00:01:36,303
Kel, what's the big deal?
26
00:01:36,515 --> 00:01:39,348
l mean, you've been playing
a vegetable all your life.
27
00:01:40,195 --> 00:01:44,746
Oh, now, young lady, young lady.
We're not finished with you yet.
28
00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:47,423
-Yeah, honey.
-Would you two stop?
29
00:01:47,635 --> 00:01:51,594
Now, go stand someplace cold.
l may want a sandwich after a while.
30
00:02:54,195 --> 00:02:57,312
Al, you been working out?
31
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,988
Al, l'm lonely.
32
00:03:05,195 --> 00:03:07,868
Wait a minute, Peg. Wait a minute.
33
00:03:08,515 --> 00:03:12,110
Get up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!.
34
00:03:12,315 --> 00:03:16,103
-l just got a big part on a TV show.
-Oh, hey...
35
00:03:16,315 --> 00:03:18,704
Honey, that's great,
but it's midnight, you know...
36
00:03:18,915 --> 00:03:20,792
...and your father and l
want our privacy.
37
00:03:20,995 --> 00:03:24,192
Hey, now, wait a minute, Peg.
The kids are trying to share.
38
00:03:24,395 --> 00:03:27,034
You can't just phone
that parent stuff in.
39
00:03:27,235 --> 00:03:30,193
Listen, Kelly's filling in
for the Princess of Puppet Land...
40
00:03:30,395 --> 00:03:32,625
-...on Uncle Dudley's Playpen.
-Hey...
41
00:03:32,835 --> 00:03:36,225
Oh, Kelly,
that was your favourite show.
42
00:03:36,435 --> 00:03:39,711
You know, when you were little,
l used to put you in front of that TV...
43
00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:43,032
...and Uncle Dudley would entertain
you when l went out shopping...
44
00:03:43,235 --> 00:03:47,228
...or to the movies,
or went away for the weekend.
45
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,471
He was my favourite babysitter.
46
00:03:49,675 --> 00:03:52,269
He never told when
l used to put worms in Bud's ears.
47
00:03:52,955 --> 00:03:54,434
What?
48
00:03:55,595 --> 00:03:59,588
My pumpkin is becoming a princess.
49
00:03:59,795 --> 00:04:03,231
Gee, if l could only trade my cow
for some magic beans.
50
00:04:03,995 --> 00:04:07,305
Al, the last thing
you need are beans.
51
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,710
-Come on, Bud, let's go.
-What?
52
00:04:09,915 --> 00:04:13,032
So listen. lf Kelly's gonna be
on Uncle Dudley's Playpen...
53
00:04:13,235 --> 00:04:15,624
...l definitely
need a TV in the bedroom.
54
00:04:15,835 --> 00:04:18,303
But, Peg,
that show comes on at 10 a.m.
55
00:04:18,515 --> 00:04:21,029
Can't you drag your butt
to the living room before that?
56
00:04:21,235 --> 00:04:24,113
-l know it's a tough commute, Peg.
-Al.
57
00:04:24,315 --> 00:04:26,590
You're gonna start nagging
about this, aren't you?
58
00:04:26,795 --> 00:04:30,993
-l do not nag!
-All right, Peg, all right.
59
00:04:31,195 --> 00:04:34,983
You can have a TV in the bedroom.
l mean, that thing l can mute.
60
00:04:36,995 --> 00:04:39,463
But l'm gonna want
something myself, Peg.
61
00:04:41,195 --> 00:04:44,790
Sure, tiger. Surprise me.
62
00:04:53,155 --> 00:04:55,430
Okay, everybody,
we're back in five...
63
00:04:55,635 --> 00:04:58,433
...four, three, two, one.
64
00:04:58,635 --> 00:05:02,992
Okay, kids.
Ready for our Manners Minute.
65
00:05:03,195 --> 00:05:05,345
Excuse me.
66
00:05:05,595 --> 00:05:07,950
What for, Fredrick?
67
00:05:09,395 --> 00:05:10,623
For that?
68
00:05:13,035 --> 00:05:18,393
You know, that little Fredrick
is almost as talented as Uncle Dudley.
69
00:05:18,595 --> 00:05:21,393
Yeah, yeah. He's good enough
to go out on his own.
70
00:05:21,595 --> 00:05:22,869
Oh, yeah.
71
00:05:23,115 --> 00:05:25,504
And we'll be right back.
72
00:05:25,715 --> 00:05:27,671
Come on.
l'll introduce you to Uncle Dudley.
73
00:05:27,875 --> 00:05:30,673
Kelly?
Please, please don't embarrass me.
74
00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:33,833
Bud, l know
how to behave on a set.
75
00:05:34,035 --> 00:05:35,468
-Nice to meet you.
-Oh, my God!
76
00:05:35,675 --> 00:05:39,224
l can't believe it's really you!
You look just like yourself, only older.
77
00:05:39,435 --> 00:05:41,824
l've been watching you for years.
l love you so much.
78
00:05:42,035 --> 00:05:45,027
And we're back in five, four...
79
00:05:45,235 --> 00:05:46,509
Welcome back, kids.
80
00:05:46,715 --> 00:05:49,309
Now, we all remember
that Princess Babs...
81
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:53,144
...is away having elective surgery.
82
00:05:53,355 --> 00:05:56,904
So let's give a great,
big happy hello...
83
00:05:57,115 --> 00:06:01,950
...to substitute, Princess Kelly.
84
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:08,510
Hi, goys and birls.
85
00:06:09,515 --> 00:06:13,110
That's a good one, Krincess Pelly.
86
00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:17,469
Thanks, Duncle Udley.
87
00:06:19,235 --> 00:06:22,386
That's the joke, don't wear it out.
88
00:06:23,635 --> 00:06:25,785
Today's Puppet Land story...
89
00:06:25,995 --> 00:06:29,988
...is " Curious George
Converts to Judaism."
90
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:35,312
" Curious George
was crossing Delancey...
91
00:06:35,515 --> 00:06:39,793
...when the wind
blew off his yarmulke into the gutter."
92
00:06:40,755 --> 00:06:44,509
Did it land
next to Uncle Dudley's career?
93
00:06:44,715 --> 00:06:46,751
Shut up, you dummy.
94
00:06:46,955 --> 00:06:48,354
Make me, tubbo.
95
00:06:48,595 --> 00:06:51,234
Why, you rotten piece of driftwood.
96
00:06:51,435 --> 00:06:54,347
Oh, you talentless burnout.
97
00:07:10,675 --> 00:07:13,143
Kids. Kids. Kids?
98
00:07:13,355 --> 00:07:18,554
Now, Uncle Dudley and Fredrick,
they're really best friends...
99
00:07:18,755 --> 00:07:22,145
...and sometimes friends say things
to each other that they don't mean...
100
00:07:22,355 --> 00:07:23,834
...and they lose their heads.
101
00:07:26,515 --> 00:07:27,470
No, no.
102
00:07:27,675 --> 00:07:29,233
l'm fine, kids. Just a scratch.
103
00:07:32,835 --> 00:07:34,712
Where's Uncle Dudley?
104
00:07:34,915 --> 00:07:37,383
Well, he's gone to rest...
105
00:07:37,595 --> 00:07:40,871
...in the Sleepytime Kingdom.
106
00:07:41,075 --> 00:07:45,307
lt's a big castle with soft walls...
107
00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:49,269
...and magic potions that are gonna
make him feel all better, okay?
108
00:07:49,475 --> 00:07:51,784
So say goodbye, Fredrick.
109
00:07:51,995 --> 00:07:53,348
Goodbye, Fredrick.
110
00:07:58,355 --> 00:07:59,424
Clear.
111
00:07:59,835 --> 00:08:01,063
Kelly, you were brilliant.
112
00:08:01,275 --> 00:08:02,947
-l was?
-Yeah, she was?
113
00:08:03,155 --> 00:08:05,350
l mean, she was.
114
00:08:05,555 --> 00:08:08,831
That's why Kelly Bundy should host
the show until Uncle Dudley recovers.
115
00:08:09,035 --> 00:08:10,912
-Great idea. You're hired.
-l am?
116
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,390
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Bud, l'm a star!
117
00:08:13,595 --> 00:08:16,871
-You're a star. You're a star.
-l'm a star. l'm a star!
118
00:08:24,835 --> 00:08:26,985
Good night, pookie.
119
00:08:28,315 --> 00:08:32,228
Al, l don't like these twin beds.
lt's unnatural.
120
00:08:32,435 --> 00:08:35,711
Anything involving you
and a bed is unnatural, Peg.
121
00:08:36,915 --> 00:08:39,873
Just put on your snore strap
and go to sleep.
122
00:08:40,675 --> 00:08:42,427
Al Bundy,
you're gonna pay for this.
123
00:08:42,635 --> 00:08:44,273
Peg, we made a deal.
124
00:08:44,475 --> 00:08:46,943
You have your TV,
which will help you get to sleep...
125
00:08:47,155 --> 00:08:50,465
...and l don't have you,
which will help me get to sleep.
126
00:08:51,075 --> 00:08:52,633
Nighty-night.
127
00:09:50,155 --> 00:09:53,704
Peg, wake up. Peg, wake-
128
00:09:54,515 --> 00:09:56,028
This ought to jump-start her.
129
00:09:56,235 --> 00:09:58,305
Attention, home shoppers.
130
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:02,713
Call now for this fabulous
Fabio shower massager.
131
00:10:08,355 --> 00:10:09,788
You know, Al...
132
00:10:09,995 --> 00:10:12,668
...this kind of reminds me
of how we were in high school...
133
00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:16,231
...and you used to sneak into my room
late at night.
134
00:10:16,435 --> 00:10:18,551
l never snuck in your room
in high school.
135
00:10:21,195 --> 00:10:23,106
l think Kelly's show is on.
136
00:10:27,315 --> 00:10:29,909
Oh, Bobby Beaver.
137
00:10:30,835 --> 00:10:33,144
Won't you ever learn?
138
00:10:34,795 --> 00:10:37,628
Oh, you know,
she is really good with kids.
139
00:10:37,835 --> 00:10:41,384
-She got that from me, you know.
-Oh, yeah, right, Peg.
140
00:10:41,595 --> 00:10:45,554
After this commercial, she's gonna
feed them diet pills for breakfast.
141
00:10:46,195 --> 00:10:51,030
You know, those diet pills saved us
a fortune in school lunches.
142
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:55,353
Kids, did you know
that Princess Kelly has a little brother?
143
00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:57,352
Well, he's here with us today.
144
00:10:58,035 --> 00:11:01,914
Boys and girls,
l'd like you to meet Budrick.
145
00:11:11,155 --> 00:11:14,431
Hi, kids, I'm Budrick.
146
00:11:15,835 --> 00:11:19,953
lsn't that sweet of Kelly?
She has Bud on the show.
147
00:11:20,435 --> 00:11:23,427
Seems a little stiff though, huh, Peg?
148
00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:28,148
Well, you know,
Kelly is the talented one.
149
00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:32,071
Budrick is the saddest little boy
in Puppet Land.
150
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:35,347
None of the girl puppets
will play with him...
151
00:11:36,835 --> 00:11:38,951
...so he has to play with himself.
152
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:50,514
So remember, kids,
don't be a Budrick, be a Goodrick.
153
00:11:53,675 --> 00:11:55,313
Clear.
154
00:11:57,155 --> 00:11:59,225
Kelly, don't you think
you should've cleared...
155
00:11:59,435 --> 00:12:02,586
-...the Budrick puppet with me first?
-Bud, l am the star of the show.
156
00:12:02,795 --> 00:12:04,786
l don't have to clear anything
with anybody.
157
00:12:04,995 --> 00:12:08,829
Kelly, why did you cut
my giant cupcake sketch?
158
00:12:09,035 --> 00:12:11,185
l don't know,
l thought it was kind of childish.
159
00:12:11,395 --> 00:12:13,192
l am a child.
160
00:12:15,395 --> 00:12:19,468
Do you believe that?
That beaver is such a diva.
161
00:12:20,275 --> 00:12:22,948
Kelly, you can't just go cutting out
the other characters.
162
00:12:23,155 --> 00:12:24,508
You're gonna ruin the show.
163
00:12:24,715 --> 00:12:26,592
You saved the show.
164
00:12:26,795 --> 00:12:29,229
The ratings are holding steady
ages two to 11...
165
00:12:29,435 --> 00:12:33,587
...and they're through the roof
with men 18 to 99.
166
00:12:34,235 --> 00:12:36,749
Whatever you want, you got it.
167
00:12:36,955 --> 00:12:40,027
Did you hear that, Bud?
Anything l want.
168
00:12:40,235 --> 00:12:41,190
Oh, which reminds me.
169
00:12:41,395 --> 00:12:44,307
l was kind of thinking about
changing the title of the show.
170
00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:47,427
How about Princess Kelly's Castle?
171
00:12:48,075 --> 00:12:50,953
Where the drawbridge never closes.
172
00:12:52,915 --> 00:12:56,351
Watch it, Bud. l don't need
to take that from my assistant.
173
00:12:56,555 --> 00:12:57,783
l'm your agent.
174
00:12:57,995 --> 00:13:00,634
lf you need a new agent,
l can make some calls.
175
00:13:01,835 --> 00:13:04,952
Find out who represents
the 101 Dalmatians.
176
00:13:05,155 --> 00:13:06,668
l mean, they're everywhere.
177
00:13:08,715 --> 00:13:10,148
lt's the same old story, huh?
178
00:13:10,355 --> 00:13:13,347
l make you a star, and suddenly
you start treating me like dirt.
179
00:13:13,555 --> 00:13:17,343
That's not true.
l've always treated you like dirt.
180
00:13:17,555 --> 00:13:19,671
You won't get away with it.
We have a contract.
181
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:21,547
You can't prove that's my "X."
182
00:13:21,755 --> 00:13:23,632
-Security.
-What?
183
00:13:23,835 --> 00:13:26,588
Wait a second. Hey, now. Hey-
184
00:13:28,355 --> 00:13:33,110
Excuse me. Who put
Captain Bananas in a pink tutu?
185
00:13:33,315 --> 00:13:35,067
Think, people. He's a male.
186
00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:36,833
He needs a blue tutu.
187
00:13:37,035 --> 00:13:39,344
What, am l working alone here?
Come on, let's go.
188
00:13:41,915 --> 00:13:44,907
You shouldn't have slept
on top of me, Peg.
189
00:13:45,755 --> 00:13:49,270
My spine is cracking
like a plumber's ass.
190
00:13:52,635 --> 00:13:57,072
Don't be silly, Al.
You don't have a spine.
191
00:14:00,195 --> 00:14:03,426
Your daughter is a rotten,
ungrateful witch.
192
00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,751
No, that's your mother, Bud.
193
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,991
Your sister is a princess,
and don't you forget it.
194
00:14:10,195 --> 00:14:11,628
She fired me.
195
00:14:11,835 --> 00:14:14,986
Honey, that's because
Kelly is a star now...
196
00:14:15,195 --> 00:14:19,666
...and you don't represent stars.
You represent cheese.
197
00:14:20,835 --> 00:14:24,066
Dad, Kelly humiliated me
on the air with that puppet.
198
00:14:24,275 --> 00:14:26,914
Yes, l know.
199
00:14:27,115 --> 00:14:31,631
And that was wrong, son,
but it's only a puppet.
200
00:14:31,835 --> 00:14:33,826
The whole thing
is probably forgotten by now.
201
00:14:34,035 --> 00:14:36,230
Yeah. They were selling these
on the way home.
202
00:14:39,635 --> 00:14:41,387
ls that an extra large?
203
00:14:42,075 --> 00:14:45,863
All right, son. So you tried your best
and you failed miserably.
204
00:14:46,075 --> 00:14:47,667
You're a Bundy.
205
00:14:47,915 --> 00:14:50,145
But l fully expect you
to kick this curse.
206
00:14:50,395 --> 00:14:52,386
l have faith in you.
207
00:14:52,595 --> 00:14:56,110
You're right, Dad. l'm not gonna end up
some middle-aged shoe salesman...
208
00:14:56,315 --> 00:14:58,226
-...making minimum wage.
-Okay, Bud.
209
00:14:58,435 --> 00:15:00,630
Slaving away 20 years,
never getting a promotion.
210
00:15:00,835 --> 00:15:02,427
All right, Bud.
211
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:07,390
No respect, no raises,
no reason to live, no hair.
212
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,309
-This father-son talk is over.
-Yeah, it's a good talk, Dad.
213
00:15:12,515 --> 00:15:16,474
l'm gonna go out, and l'm gonna sign
the biggest star l can find.
214
00:15:17,675 --> 00:15:22,544
Good luck, Budrick.
215
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:26,707
What do you wanna
represent me for? l'm a failure.
216
00:15:27,275 --> 00:15:31,587
A failure? Aren't you the same guy
who taught every kid in Chicago...
217
00:15:31,795 --> 00:15:33,672
...how to make a hat
out of a milk carton?
218
00:15:33,875 --> 00:15:35,024
You saw that?
219
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,386
Why, sure. l mean, we didn't have milk
so l used a cigarette carton...
220
00:15:38,595 --> 00:15:40,233
...but it was still fun.
221
00:15:41,075 --> 00:15:43,748
No, no, no. No, l can't go back.
222
00:15:43,955 --> 00:15:47,504
l frightened all the children,
and they can never forgive me.
223
00:15:47,715 --> 00:15:49,068
That's not true.
224
00:15:49,275 --> 00:15:52,551
As Freddy Frog always says,
" Frog-give and frog-get."
225
00:15:53,355 --> 00:15:56,950
-How's Freddy doing, anyway?
-Princess Kelly fired him.
226
00:15:57,155 --> 00:15:58,304
Oh, my God.
227
00:15:58,515 --> 00:16:01,473
How will he support Frieda
and the tadpoles?
228
00:16:02,315 --> 00:16:05,352
You see? You have to go back
and save Puppet Land.
229
00:16:05,555 --> 00:16:06,590
You're right.
230
00:16:07,035 --> 00:16:10,072
But what about
that nice Princess Kelly?
231
00:16:10,275 --> 00:16:12,231
She's about to get a royal flush.
232
00:16:18,875 --> 00:16:20,354
You know, Al...
233
00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:25,231
...when l said l wanted you on top
of me, this is not what l had in mind.
234
00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:29,029
You're never satisfied,
are you, Peg?
235
00:16:29,435 --> 00:16:34,509
Oh, yeah, l'm satisfied sometimes.
You're just never around to see it.
236
00:16:35,755 --> 00:16:38,553
You know, Peg,
these bunk beds are comfy.
237
00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:41,105
That's nice, honey.
238
00:16:41,315 --> 00:16:43,875
Let me rock you to sleep.
239
00:16:51,515 --> 00:16:53,745
You know, you were right, Al.
240
00:16:53,955 --> 00:16:56,674
Bunk beds are fun.
241
00:16:57,675 --> 00:16:59,905
What are you, a fool?
242
00:17:00,115 --> 00:17:02,549
Well, yeah.
243
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:08,432
l said l wanted
only purple M&M's. Purple, royal.
244
00:17:09,155 --> 00:17:11,988
But they don't make
purple M&M's, Kelly.
245
00:17:13,515 --> 00:17:16,552
-Kelly?
-Your Highness.
246
00:17:16,755 --> 00:17:20,509
You know, Uncle Dudley
was always nice to the fools.
247
00:17:20,715 --> 00:17:21,830
l am nice.
248
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,031
lf l was a prince,
l'd be a perfectionist...
249
00:17:24,235 --> 00:17:26,112
...but because
l'm a princess, l'm a bitch.
250
00:17:26,715 --> 00:17:30,025
We're back in five, four, three...
251
00:17:37,635 --> 00:17:40,672
Welcome back
to Princess Kelly's Castle.
252
00:17:40,875 --> 00:17:44,709
Oh, look, l think it's time
for the royal milk and cookies.
253
00:17:44,915 --> 00:17:48,544
Here comes our old friend,
Bobby Beaver.
254
00:17:54,475 --> 00:17:56,386
Yummy.
255
00:18:04,475 --> 00:18:07,194
Hi, Princess Kelly.
256
00:18:07,395 --> 00:18:09,465
Fredrick, what are you doing here?
257
00:18:09,715 --> 00:18:11,307
l invited him.
258
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:18,944
Excuse me, Uncle Doodey,
but l'm trying to do my show.
259
00:18:19,155 --> 00:18:22,113
That's Uncle Dudley,
and it's our show.
260
00:18:22,315 --> 00:18:24,510
But we'd love to share it with you.
261
00:18:25,915 --> 00:18:30,386
Kids, sharing is for losers.
This is my show now.
262
00:18:31,035 --> 00:18:34,710
Hey, what are you doing that for?
What are you booing me for?
263
00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:36,906
He's the one
who just went to the funny farm.
264
00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:39,185
Princess Kelly, that wasn't very nice.
265
00:18:39,395 --> 00:18:42,705
l am too nice, you ************!
266
00:18:43,475 --> 00:18:46,785
There was nothing happy
about that thought.
267
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:49,145
Hey, what are you-?
Why are you taking me away?
268
00:18:49,355 --> 00:18:52,825
-He's crazy. l'm not crazy.
-Come on, Freddy, let's get her.
269
00:18:53,035 --> 00:18:54,673
Stop biting me!
270
00:18:55,035 --> 00:18:58,152
See you tomorrow, boys and girls.
271
00:19:03,755 --> 00:19:05,188
And we're out.
272
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:08,432
Uncle Dudley,
thank God you're back.
273
00:19:08,635 --> 00:19:11,274
Starting tomorrow,
everything's back the way it was.
274
00:19:11,475 --> 00:19:12,988
Not so fast.
275
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:16,744
My client is entertaining several offers,
and we'll get back to you.
276
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,946
Wait, whatever they're paying,
we'll double.
277
00:19:19,155 --> 00:19:21,066
That sounds like a happy thought.
278
00:19:21,315 --> 00:19:22,589
And here's another one:
279
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,548
Budrick, you're fired.
280
00:19:32,435 --> 00:19:35,268
Don't go away, we'll be right back.
281
00:19:40,235 --> 00:19:43,591
ls it time for my pain medicine yet?
282
00:19:44,635 --> 00:19:47,547
Quiet, Al,
l'm trying to watch Uncle Dudley.
283
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:54,315
Thanks, kids. It's great being back.
284
00:19:54,515 --> 00:20:00,272
And I owe it all to Bud Bundy,
the best agent in Chicago.
285
00:20:00,475 --> 00:20:03,911
l can't believe
they picked Uncle Doodey over me.
286
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:08,393
Well, in Uncle Dudley's defence,
they can pay him in cheap gin.
287
00:20:09,195 --> 00:20:11,584
Darn you, Bud.
You ruined my career.
288
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:16,471
Oh, now, now, young lady.
Bud represents stars.
289
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:20,111
You're just an expired cheese.
290
00:20:21,035 --> 00:20:24,664
Yeah, someday the girl
will get married, the boy will move out.
291
00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:28,993
Peg won't be able to mak e it up
the stairs if I loosen a few floorboards.
292
00:20:29,635 --> 00:20:33,150
And I'll have my bed all to myself.
293
00:20:33,355 --> 00:20:35,471
Someday, l'll be that lucky.1
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:10,869
Okay.
2
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,197
Somebody broke
into my piggy bank again.
3
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:18,553
The long strand of red hair...
4
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,752
...and these bonbon wrappers...
5
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:25,351
...clearly indicate that you, Mother,
saw who did it.
6
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,109
Now, who was it?
7
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,471
Oh, gee, honey, l really don't know.
8
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:34,875
Hey, look at
this lovely Don Knotts hologram...
9
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,479
...l got from QVC.
10
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,671
Don't try to distract me, Mom.
11
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,792
lt's shiny.
12
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,398
Mr. Furley.
13
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,511
Barney Fife.
14
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,399
Furley...
15
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,999
...Fife. Did you see that?
16
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,153
Peg?
17
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,516
l hope one of these bills is
for a coffin...
18
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,712
...because your shopping is
killing me.
19
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,632
Something shiny.
20
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,189
-l got you one, Al.
-l'm not interested in that...
21
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:18,873
...Pe-
22
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,558
Ginger.
23
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,432
Mary Ann.
24
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:25,949
Ginger.
25
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,276
Oh, cut this out.
26
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,630
Not only is this QVC thing useless...
27
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:34,515
...but you've bought a membership
to the Buff and Tuff Health Club.
28
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,030
Well, how else am l supposed
to stay young and attractive for you?
29
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:39,753
Buy a time machine.
30
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,834
Peg, l'm cutting off your shopping
cold turkey.
31
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,792
Right now.
32
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,592
Traitor.
33
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,950
Oh, Al, don't make me stop shopping.
34
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,912
You'll destroy my life.
35
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,190
Good, then we'll be even.
36
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,391
Yeah, l like this one
even better than...
37
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,398
...that clog cabin we built last week.
38
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,229
lt is stunning.
39
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,953
We ought to go into business.
40
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,878
Oh, what business would that be,
Griff?
41
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,197
The shoe box lid
house-building business?
42
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,638
-Not much demand for that.
-Well, l beg to differ.
43
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,593
l think you're overlooking
the homeless dwarf problem.
44
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,513
Now, somebody has got
to clean that up.
45
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,239
Hey, guys.
46
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,799
Hey.
47
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:26,195
Well, Jefferson, l see you're having
your typically hard day at the office.
48
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,834
You know, looking this good is
a full-time job.
49
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,669
You think these pores
just exfoliate themselves?
50
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:34,953
You better watch out, Jefferson.
51
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,037
Now you're heading
for the big 4-0...
52
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,550
...Marcie might trade you in
for a new model.
53
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,672
Yeah, when you hit 40,
everything starts going to hell.
54
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,678
Your alignment gets all out of whack...
55
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,394
...then your tyre start
to get a little bald and then...
56
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,996
...comes that horrible day
when you realise...
57
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,077
...no matter how hard you turn
that knob...
58
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,669
...that antenna
is only coming half way up.
59
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,234
Then you start getting
that uncontrollable backfiring.
60
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,429
Well, don't tell me you don't have
that problem!
61
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,877
Well, that may hold true
for you old clunkers...
62
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,231
...but l look the same today
as l did 20 years ago.
63
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,000
l've been looking for you forever.
64
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,914
And l hope l was worth the wait.
65
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,992
Sorry, sir,
l thought you were my dad.
66
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,955
Hey, hey.
67
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,595
Happy birthday, Mr. D'Arcy,
happy birthday.
68
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,394
Oh, sure, rub it in, you brats.
69
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,914
Gee, old man D'Arcy is getting
pretty cranky, huh?
70
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,439
Dad, guess what?
71
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,313
Gary hired us to shoot a commercial
for the store.
72
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,078
Well, why would she hire you two?
73
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:56,352
Well, because she wanted somebody
fast and cheap.
74
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,110
Which explains our actress.
75
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,837
l, on the other hand, will be directing.
76
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,110
lt will be 30 seconds of pure magic.
77
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,835
Oh, now, Bud, don't waste
your best pick-up lines on dad.
78
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,196
We've got the setting.
We've got the customer.
79
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,914
Now, all we need is
a shoe salesman.
80
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,633
Well, how much does it pay?
81
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,398
Four hundred dollars a day.
82
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,397
Earth days?
83
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:26,308
Hey, l'm your man for the job.
Nobody sells shoes better than me.
84
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,071
Bud, did l ever mention to you
that l played Dorothy...
85
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,669
...in my high school production
of The Wiz?
86
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,950
-All-male school?
-No.
87
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,439
You want to see great acting?
88
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,552
How about those seizures
l used to throw at lHOP?
89
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,992
All right, Dad, so you scammed us...
90
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,919
... a few Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity breakfasts.
91
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,475
lt doesn't exactly make you
Oscar material.
92
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,716
Hey, you didn't seem to mind
my performance...
93
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,559
...when you were shoving pancakes
in your pockets.
94
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,554
l'm really good.
95
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,830
Hoover High School Gazette says
my Dorothy was...
96
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:05,318
..."captivating, charming
and strangely intimidating."
97
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,513
Oh, Griff, how pathetic are you?
98
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,793
A man your age hanging on
to faded high school glory.
99
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,673
What?
100
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,713
Frankly, l don't buy either one of you
as a shoe salesman...
101
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,992
-...but if you want to try out for the part-
-Listen, Mr. Director.
102
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:29,876
l think that you and l should see
eye to eye on this thing.
103
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,989
l think we found our star.
104
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,396
So...
105
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:52,437
What do you want for your birthday,
my little boy toy?
106
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:58,195
ls that all l am to you, a boy toy?
107
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,918
Jefferson, it's just an expression.
108
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,032
Like, freeloader...
109
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,558
...or trophy husband.
110
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,793
Honey...
111
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,391
Do you notice any little lines
around my eyes?
112
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,272
You have to come in close to see.
113
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,357
You mean, those crow's feet?
114
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,591
They are not crow's feet.
115
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,677
They are laugh lines.
116
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,829
Honey, nothing is that funny.
117
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:40,029
Oh, don't pout.
118
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,470
l know something...
119
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,633
...that will make you feel a lot better.
120
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,838
l don't feel like playing Hop on Pop.
121
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,436
No, l'm talking
about the perfect birthday gift:
122
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,029
A health club membership, huh?
123
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,635
Night-night.
124
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,598
Do you really think l need it?
125
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,952
l'm sure my thighs jiggle a little
when l settle into the tanning bed...
126
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,116
...but whose don't?
127
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,994
l'm just worrying over nothing,
right?
128
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,758
l mean-
129
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,158
l still turn you on, don't l, Marcie?
130
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,878
Last chance to buy
this lovely Tom Jones lock et...
131
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,356
... containing his actual chest hair.
132
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,436
Well, if that's not unusual.
133
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,229
Twenty-five seconds.
134
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,510
Twenty-two seconds.
135
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,918
Damn you, Al.
136
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,438
Hey, Peggy.
137
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,473
l brought over Marcie's tool belt
like you asked.
138
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,989
Oh, you're a life saviour.
Needle nose.
139
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,439
Hey...
140
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,119
Peggy.
141
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:02,870
Do you ever have a fear
that Al is gonna leave you?
142
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,993
Well, l wouldn't call it a fear
so much as a fantasy.
143
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,672
Screwdriver. Why do you ask?
144
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,952
Well, l know that-
145
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,396
You know, l haven't confided
in you much.
146
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,750
And l appreciate that.
147
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,712
But lately l'm just feeling so old
and unattractive...
148
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,798
...and unloved and l just wondered-
149
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,638
How do you handle it?
150
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,278
Well, usually l just thank God...
151
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,074
...l'm not that aging gigolo
that lives next door.
152
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,316
See, if Marcie thinks
l'm losing my looks...
153
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,875
...it's just a matter of time
before she dumps me...
154
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,672
...for some younger guy.
155
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,269
-Stripper.
-Maybe.
156
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,398
With her money
she could have anyone.
157
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:56,868
Well, l tell you what.
158
00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,356
Why don't you just spend
all her money...
159
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,869
...and then she can't afford
to trade you in?
160
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,277
-Think that would work?
-Absolutely.
161
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,029
-Do you have a credit card?
-Yeah, l have one right-
162
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,197
Oh, platinum.
163
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,229
The good stuff.
164
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:18,839
What's Marcie's limit?
165
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,838
On a good night, six or seven.
166
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,952
The card.
167
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,474
lt doesn't have a limit.
168
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,632
Let's do some home shopping.
169
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,558
Wait a minute. lsn't that addictive?
170
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,389
Oh, no. You can stop
any time you want.
171
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:39,995
What's that for?
172
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,794
So we don't drop the phone.
173
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,631
Hi, baby, mama's back.
174
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,108
"Gary's Shoes," take 28.
175
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,152
And action.
176
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,513
Excuse me, kind sir.
177
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,188
Do you have any purple pumps?
178
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,997
Certainly, we have purple pimps.
179
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,119
At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.
180
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,878
Cut.
181
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,916
Okay, Dad, that was-
182
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,554
lt was good
but you're still a little stiff.
183
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,799
Any stiffer, you could wax him
and use him as a toboggan.
184
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,673
Could you keep the gofer quiet?
185
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,998
All right. Look, let's just try it again,
all right?
186
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,714
Take 29.
187
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,434
lf anybody's still counting.
188
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,519
And action.
189
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:41,835
Excuse me, kind sir-
190
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,598
Certainly, we pump your purple...
191
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,190
...at Gary's Shoes,
where we treat your feet.
192
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,674
-Cut.
-What?
193
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,313
Those are the right words.
194
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:51,999
But they were in the wrong order.
195
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,432
Well, can you edit them together?
What kind of a director are you?
196
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,633
You know, l give up.
Okay? You talk to him.
197
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,114
Okay.
198
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:03,753
So-
199
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,520
Nice weather we're having, Daddy?
200
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,517
l mean, about the part.
201
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,597
Oh, oh, l'm sorry. Okay.
202
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,994
That was perfect, Daddy.
203
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:16,432
But l think that you need
to emphasise certain words. Like this.
204
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,315
Here at Gary's Shoes,
we treat your feet.
205
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:21,953
-See what l'm saying?
-Like this.
206
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,229
Okay.
207
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:28,116
Here at Gary's Shoes,
we treat your feet.
208
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,955
That's- lt's much, much better,
Daddy. Really.
209
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,597
Can his ass.
210
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,753
Bud, l'm starting to get the hang of it.
211
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,837
l'm rolling with it.
l'm grooving with it.
212
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,918
-Dad, you're fired.
-l know. Fired up, ready to go.
213
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,917
No, Dad, it's over.
214
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,272
Over, my stage fright is over.
l'm ready to go. Action. Roll them.
215
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,589
Listen to me.
216
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,316
You're fired. You're out.
You're finished. You must flee TV.
217
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,593
Wow, that came out of nowhere.
218
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,038
Why the sudden change of heart?
219
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,471
No, no, it's not sudden.
Your acting sucks.
220
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:17,639
lt sucked when we started.
lt sucks now. lt will always suck.
221
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,673
Well, that's just one person's opinion,
isn't it?
222
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,916
-lt sucks.
-lt sucks.
223
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,670
lt sucks.
224
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,837
Attention, shoppers,
Al Bundy sucks.
225
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,233
Oh, look.
A genuine faux leopard muff.
226
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,237
Let's not wait for the price.
Just dial.
227
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:45,668
Okay. Okay, but-
228
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:49,236
Tell me again how this stuff is going
to keep Marcie from leaving me.
229
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,238
-ls that a liver spot?
-Okay...
230
00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,879
What?
231
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,878
Don't you play dumb with me,
Peggy Bundy.
232
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,435
You've always been
a shopping junky.
233
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:10,269
But now you've turned into a pusher
and corrupted my innocent Jefferson.
234
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,198
lnnocent?
235
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,630
Yeah, l may have provided
the TV and the phone...
236
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,274
...but he did his own dialling.
237
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,590
Jefferson, is that true?
238
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,030
-Yes.
-Well, that's it, mister.
239
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,071
Your freeloading days are over.
240
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,748
And you're going to pay back
every cent.
241
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,478
How am l supposed to do that?
242
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,159
Three little words.
243
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,476
l love you?
244
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:38,559
Try again.
245
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,591
Hop on Pop?
246
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,751
Get a job.
247
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:09,837
You know, this exercise stuff
is really challenging. Yeah.
248
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,828
l think l'm starting to "feel the burn."
249
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,436
That's heartburn.
250
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,229
You think you could stop chewing
for one second...
251
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,351
...and help me out of this mess
you got me into?
252
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,599
Oh, yeah, like it's my fault
you're not aging well.
253
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,117
Don't get your varicose veins
in a knot.
254
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,914
There must be some job
that you're qualified for.
255
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,111
l'm just not good at anything.
256
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:37,871
All right. And launch and twirl.
And launch and-
257
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,919
All right. Fine. Stay fat.
258
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:54,116
At Gary's Shoes, we treat your-
259
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,792
Cut.
260
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:01,795
Dad...
261
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,513
...we're trying to work here.
262
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:04,869
So am l.
263
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,390
Al, you haven't vacuumed
in 25 years.
264
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,955
Then it's high time, isn't it?
265
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,673
Anyway, that was great, Griff.
266
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:17,112
Great. Great.
You couldn't even tell he was acting.
267
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,556
Let's just do it one more time.
Okay?
268
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,671
Fine. Fine.
269
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,157
Take 32, which is three more
than it took me by the way.
270
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,430
That's because you've ruined
every one of mine.
271
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,471
lt's because we had a couple
of accidents.
272
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,592
Oh, dropping a light on Griff's head?
273
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,431
Freak occurrence.
274
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,551
The fire in the stock room?
275
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,796
Act of God.
276
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,433
Rollerblading through here
with your pants down, playing a tuba?
277
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,754
Hey, what l do on my break
is my business.
278
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:52,191
Admit it, Dad. You're trying
to sabotage the commercial.
279
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,389
Get out of here.
280
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,795
-Don't come back until we're finished.
-Fine.
281
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,434
You Hollywood types are so touchy.
282
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,953
-Ready?
-Yes.
283
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,799
And action.
284
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:09,069
Excuse me, kind sir,
do you have any-?
285
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,119
Peggy?
286
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:17,958
What in the world are you doing
here?
287
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:20,958
Working out.
288
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:27,275
Excuse me, you can't just walk
into a Jefferson D'Arcy class.
289
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,232
Are you on the list?
290
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,158
Well, no...
291
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,679
...but l'm his wife.
292
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,630
Nice try, honey.
We get four wives a day...
293
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,035
...and a couple of husbands.
294
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:43,712
Well, maybe if you gave up your spot
they'd all fit.
295
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,995
You just better be glad
l am weak from dieting...
296
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,719
There he is.
297
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,469
Jeffersize. Jeffersize.
298
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,910
Hello, all you lovely ladies.
299
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,839
Are you ready to get hot
and bothered?
300
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,997
Okay, here we go and on our right-
301
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,394
Jefferson. Hi, honey.
302
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,712
Oh, hey, Marcie. Gee, what a surprise.
Okay. Here we go and-
303
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,992
Bend and stretch.
Reach for me, ladies. That's it.
304
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,839
Okay, here we go, grapevine and...
305
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,236
That's it. Beautiful.
306
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,238
That's it.
307
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,238
She won't let me through.
308
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,159
Hey, Marcie, l have a secret weapon.
309
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,193
My Snickers slipped.
310
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,838
Here we go.
311
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,789
One, two-
312
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,149
Hey, Marcie, thank you so much
for making me get this job.
313
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,112
l'll be able to pay you back
in no time.
314
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,197
Well, honey,
you don't have to pay me back.
315
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,118
Consider it a birthday present.
316
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,117
lt's Jeffie's birthday.
317
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,038
Spanking machine.
318
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,391
Oh, no. Oh, no- Okay.
319
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,318
Yes, yes, yes.
320
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:06,034
Jefferson, l hate to see you like this,
slaving away at a job you hate.
321
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:13,559
Jeffie, can you massage
my cramp again?
322
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,352
l'll give you a cramp.
323
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:19,708
Jefferson.
324
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,229
l want you to quit your job.
325
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,635
But why, Marcie?
lf l keep working here...
326
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,991
...l'm going to have the body
that you've always wanted me to.
327
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,191
-That l've always wanted?
-Yeah.
328
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,630
Jefferson, l love the way you look.
329
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,796
The reason l sent you
to a health club is...
330
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,037
...that l thought you were feeling
insecure about yourself.
331
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,910
Well, l was. l'm-
332
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,838
l'm getting older. l just-
333
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,751
l thought you were gonna...
334
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,712
...trade me in for someone new.
335
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,151
Oh, booberry.
336
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,357
l don't want anybody new.
337
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,279
lt took me years to break you in.
338
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:01,352
You mean, you'll still love me
even when l'm old and grey?
339
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,798
Of course, just like you'll still love me
even if l lose all my money?
340
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,678
Right.
341
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,159
You know, this is great.
342
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:18,148
l always wanted
my own personal trainer.
343
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,029
Well, well, well.
344
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:27,030
Looks like my commercial
has made me a few fans.
345
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:33,478
Yeah, l knew TV added 10 pounds.
l didn't realise it all went to your head.
346
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,797
You're even cuter in person
than you are on TV.
347
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,752
You're a shoe hunk.
348
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,632
Al, help me.
349
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,359
Yeah, they are all yours, shoe hunk.
350
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,710
Think l'll just ease on down the road.
351
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,799
Ladies, please, please.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
352
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:57,596
Hey, hey, that is not for sale.
353
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,638
Don't go away we'll be right back.
354
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,070
Oh, l don't believe this.
355
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,033
-We'll take it.
-We'll take it.
356
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,435
l told you so.
357
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,393
Hey, weren't you Dorothy
in The Wiz?
358
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:29,874
Yes, l was.
359
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,311
l was the mayor of Munchkin Land.
360
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,475
Your honour.1
00:00:04,277 --> 00:00:06,427
Hey, pass me the chips.
2
00:00:06,877 --> 00:00:09,152
Sure. Go long.
3
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:11,712
-Three eighty-five. Hut, hut.
-Face left.
4
00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:14,670
Face left. One, two, three.
He goes for the Hail Mary.
5
00:00:19,837 --> 00:00:23,546
-Al? Al, are you all right?
-l'm fine. l'm fine.
6
00:00:24,837 --> 00:00:27,112
Come on, buddy.
The NFL draft is on.
7
00:00:27,317 --> 00:00:29,751
Let's go, let's go.
8
00:00:29,957 --> 00:00:32,152
In the first round,
the San Francisco 49ers...
9
00:00:32,357 --> 00:00:35,349
...select Jamal Sanders
from Texas A&M.
10
00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,548
Oh, man, look at that.
That could've been me.
11
00:00:38,837 --> 00:00:42,625
l guess we'll never know because
you only played high school ball.
12
00:00:42,837 --> 00:00:45,556
Hey, at least
l was man enough to suit up for it.
13
00:00:45,757 --> 00:00:48,590
Hey, l suited up,
and l played at every game.
14
00:00:48,797 --> 00:00:51,755
You were in the band.
15
00:00:51,957 --> 00:00:54,755
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
And more than once, l played hurt.
16
00:00:54,957 --> 00:00:58,267
You know, the glockenspiel
is a cruel mistress.
17
00:00:59,717 --> 00:01:02,868
Al. Honey, you broke the-
18
00:01:04,077 --> 00:01:05,908
The flat thing.
19
00:01:07,237 --> 00:01:08,829
lt's the dinner table, Peg.
20
00:01:09,037 --> 00:01:11,835
You know, as in cooking dinner
and serving it to your family.
21
00:01:13,197 --> 00:01:16,985
Well, in that case,
thanks for getting rid of it, honey.
22
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:20,316
Man, what l wouldn't give to play
for the Chicago Bears.
23
00:01:20,517 --> 00:01:23,793
l would sell my soul
to play for the Bears.
24
00:01:28,557 --> 00:01:29,785
Good afternoon.
25
00:01:32,197 --> 00:01:34,028
l'm here to fix your television.
26
00:01:34,437 --> 00:01:35,916
Nothing wrong with my television.
27
00:01:41,837 --> 00:01:44,749
You know, my wife needs
some fixing too.
28
00:02:22,557 --> 00:02:26,596
lf you're a repairman,
where's your butt crack?
29
00:02:27,517 --> 00:02:29,189
My tail's covering it.
30
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,747
l'm Lucifer.
31
00:02:33,157 --> 00:02:34,875
Peg, one of your relatives.
32
00:02:38,037 --> 00:02:39,550
Peg?
33
00:02:40,277 --> 00:02:41,471
Jefferson?
34
00:02:41,677 --> 00:02:44,749
They can't hear you.
l've frozen them.
35
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,346
Hey, these are two
of the laziest people on Earth.
36
00:02:47,557 --> 00:02:50,549
You want to impress me?
Make them get jobs.
37
00:02:50,957 --> 00:02:53,676
l'm the devil, not a genie.
38
00:02:56,237 --> 00:03:00,116
l still don't think
he's seeing my point.
39
00:03:00,317 --> 00:03:02,672
Maybe this will help.
40
00:03:07,597 --> 00:03:09,747
Oh, so you're the devil.
41
00:03:12,277 --> 00:03:13,232
What do you want?
42
00:03:13,757 --> 00:03:15,793
Your soul, Mr. Bundy.
43
00:03:17,237 --> 00:03:18,670
Deal.
44
00:03:19,637 --> 00:03:22,834
Gee, Tom Arnold put up
more of a fight.
45
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,307
Okay. So you can have my soul...
46
00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:27,508
...but l get to play
for the Chicago Bears...
47
00:03:27,717 --> 00:03:29,912
...and take them to a Super Bowl.
48
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:37,994
Before l go, l'd better unfreeze them.
49
00:03:38,237 --> 00:03:40,148
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
50
00:03:54,237 --> 00:03:55,716
Go ahead.
51
00:03:59,637 --> 00:04:01,628
Oh, Jesus.
52
00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:06,395
ls something burning?
53
00:04:06,597 --> 00:04:08,747
Has Mom been ironing?
54
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:11,027
No, nothing as unusual as that.
55
00:04:11,277 --> 00:04:14,508
l sold my soul to the devil.
56
00:04:14,717 --> 00:04:17,436
Cool. For riches and diamonds?
57
00:04:17,637 --> 00:04:21,027
Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
58
00:04:21,237 --> 00:04:23,307
For a Canadian penny?
59
00:04:24,477 --> 00:04:25,432
No, pumpkin.
60
00:04:25,637 --> 00:04:29,789
Daddy's gonna be the new star fullback
for the Chicago Bears.
61
00:04:30,317 --> 00:04:36,187
Right. And l sold my soul so l could
be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
62
00:04:36,397 --> 00:04:40,276
You'd have to sell every soul
in China for that, Peg.
63
00:04:40,957 --> 00:04:43,187
Guys, look. Daddy's on TV.
64
00:04:43,397 --> 00:04:44,625
And in the first round...
65
00:04:44,837 --> 00:04:48,386
... the Chicago Bears select,
from James K. Polk High School...
66
00:04:48,597 --> 00:04:50,189
...Al Bundy.
67
00:04:56,157 --> 00:04:58,273
Hey, guys, l hope you're not
still mad at me...
68
00:04:58,477 --> 00:05:00,274
...for making you look bad
at practice.
69
00:05:00,477 --> 00:05:02,115
Okay. So you had a few good days.
70
00:05:02,317 --> 00:05:05,389
You're still old and flabby.
And you smell like BENGAY.
71
00:05:07,357 --> 00:05:10,030
And because of you,
we all have jock itch.
72
00:05:18,837 --> 00:05:21,590
Hey, look. Look, there's Daddy.
73
00:05:23,517 --> 00:05:25,553
Everybody wave.
74
00:05:25,757 --> 00:05:29,466
This is the last time
we'll see Al walking.
75
00:05:30,517 --> 00:05:31,950
You are so lucky, Peggy.
76
00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:34,876
You're finally going to get
handicap parking.
77
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,593
Get your Red Hots.
78
00:06:25,797 --> 00:06:27,355
Devil dogs.
79
00:06:27,557 --> 00:06:31,345
Devilled eggs. Devilled ham.
80
00:06:34,597 --> 00:06:35,916
Smokey.
81
00:06:36,117 --> 00:06:38,711
Yogi. Boo Boo.
82
00:06:39,237 --> 00:06:41,387
What are you doing?
83
00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:43,986
Trying to get the Bears' attention.
84
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:46,550
No, no, no. l'm sorry.
85
00:06:46,757 --> 00:06:50,352
Shoehorn Bundy will not endorse
any products he doesn't use.
86
00:06:50,557 --> 00:06:54,106
No, it's not just your deodorant,
it's any deodorant.
87
00:06:54,317 --> 00:06:57,627
Hello, PoliGrip?
Yeah. What's your best offer?
88
00:06:57,837 --> 00:06:59,793
l said, "Show me the money."
89
00:06:59,997 --> 00:07:02,352
You're not even
showing me the wallet.
90
00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:24,109
Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.
Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.
91
00:07:24,317 --> 00:07:27,309
So, Al, it's the final moments
before the start of the Super Bowl.
92
00:07:27,517 --> 00:07:29,473
You've had a miraculous
Cinderella season.
93
00:07:29,677 --> 00:07:30,951
The whole world is wondering:
94
00:07:31,157 --> 00:07:34,513
-How did you do it?
-l sold my soul.
95
00:07:35,437 --> 00:07:36,711
Dedication.
96
00:07:36,917 --> 00:07:40,990
Well, to you young people watching
out there, and to you old people too...
97
00:07:41,197 --> 00:07:44,906
...anything is possible
if you put your soul into it.
98
00:07:45,117 --> 00:07:48,473
-Give them hell, Shoehorn.
-Thanks, J.B.
99
00:07:50,797 --> 00:07:54,073
Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.
You did it.
100
00:07:54,277 --> 00:07:56,427
Thanks to you, Lu,
l'm realizing my dream.
101
00:07:56,637 --> 00:07:58,548
l'm playing in the Super Bowl.
102
00:08:01,077 --> 00:08:03,671
As l'm sure your wife has said to you
many times before...
103
00:08:03,877 --> 00:08:06,789
...Mr. Bundy,
not so fast.
104
00:08:07,477 --> 00:08:11,186
-What?
-l agreed to let you take the Bears...
105
00:08:11,397 --> 00:08:14,514
...to the Super Bowl.
l didn't agree to let you play in it.
106
00:08:14,717 --> 00:08:16,036
But that's not fair.
107
00:08:18,317 --> 00:08:20,831
l'm the devil.
108
00:08:21,037 --> 00:08:23,756
Well, l'm playing,
and you can't stop me.
109
00:08:23,957 --> 00:08:27,154
Well, go ahead. But you'll be playing
without my help.
110
00:08:27,357 --> 00:08:28,790
l don't need your help.
111
00:08:28,997 --> 00:08:31,750
l'm Al "Shoehorn" Bundy,
NFL Rookie of the Year...
112
00:08:31,957 --> 00:08:35,267
...and spokesman for Super PoliGrip,
now available in barbecue.
113
00:08:36,957 --> 00:08:41,030
lt's your funeral.
Win one for the Reaper.
114
00:08:46,397 --> 00:08:49,833
-Hey, you okay, Bundy?
-l'm fine.
115
00:08:50,477 --> 00:08:53,549
Okay, 36 blast on three.
116
00:08:53,757 --> 00:08:55,076
Who's talking?
117
00:08:55,277 --> 00:08:58,155
Kramer, is that you?
118
00:08:58,357 --> 00:08:59,551
Speak up.
119
00:09:00,197 --> 00:09:02,870
Okay. Everybody got that?
Ready? Break.
120
00:09:05,917 --> 00:09:09,796
Set. Blue 48. Hut, hut.
121
00:09:16,397 --> 00:09:19,230
Gosh, what a bone-crushing hit.
122
00:09:19,437 --> 00:09:22,156
Oh, but, you know, you hate to see
something like that.
123
00:09:22,357 --> 00:09:24,507
Hey, let's take a look at the replay.
124
00:09:26,197 --> 00:09:29,075
-He's not moving.
-Oh, my God.
125
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,747
He's either dead or having sex.
126
00:09:46,197 --> 00:09:47,676
That was a hell of a hit.
127
00:09:47,877 --> 00:09:51,267
lronic choice of words.
128
00:09:54,837 --> 00:09:55,792
What's happening?
129
00:09:55,997 --> 00:09:58,272
We're in the hell-evator.
130
00:09:58,477 --> 00:10:00,945
Going down.
131
00:10:01,157 --> 00:10:04,354
But l was supposed to go
to Disneyland.
132
00:10:10,917 --> 00:10:13,875
Jeez, it's hot as hell down here.
133
00:10:16,477 --> 00:10:18,274
Oh, yeah, right.
134
00:10:18,477 --> 00:10:22,868
As a frequent liar, you' re eligible
for our express check-in.
135
00:10:23,597 --> 00:10:26,953
And how long will you be staying?
Oh, forever.
136
00:10:29,517 --> 00:10:31,872
l hope you enjoy your room here
at Club Dead.
137
00:10:32,077 --> 00:10:34,545
lt overlooks the cesspool.
138
00:10:34,757 --> 00:10:36,713
And here's your complimentary
Bloody Mary.
139
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:41,666
Careful. l think some bone
got through the juicer.
140
00:10:44,597 --> 00:10:49,990
Now for my favourite part,
your itinerary of eternal torments.
141
00:10:50,957 --> 00:10:52,151
For the next millennium...
142
00:10:52,357 --> 00:10:56,270
...you'll be dining exclusively on
the most hideous food known to man:
143
00:10:56,477 --> 00:10:58,991
Weenie Tots.
144
00:10:59,717 --> 00:11:00,786
l love those.
145
00:11:01,997 --> 00:11:03,066
Really.
146
00:11:03,277 --> 00:11:06,667
Well, what you don't know
is that a steady diet of Weenie Tots...
147
00:11:06,877 --> 00:11:11,792
...will cause you to spend eternity
in the bathroom.
148
00:11:12,197 --> 00:11:14,427
Why do you think l love them?
149
00:11:17,197 --> 00:11:21,987
All right, Mr. Bundy.
Since you find hell such a picnic...
150
00:11:23,157 --> 00:11:25,113
...how about this?
151
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:30,437
For the rest of eternity,
you'll never see your family again.
152
00:11:31,597 --> 00:11:33,588
This is heaven.
153
00:11:41,677 --> 00:11:45,670
Could it be the letter P?
154
00:11:46,197 --> 00:11:48,870
Hangman. l win.
155
00:11:49,717 --> 00:11:52,993
lt's French fries, you idiot.
156
00:11:53,197 --> 00:11:55,347
You're not too smart, are you, Nap?
157
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:07,388
Mr. Bundy, your permanent
accommodations are now ready.
158
00:12:07,637 --> 00:12:10,151
Oh, great, great. l'm ready, Lu.
159
00:12:10,357 --> 00:12:13,986
Oh, hey, Lu. What's down there?
160
00:12:15,237 --> 00:12:17,432
Speciality suites for lRS auditors...
161
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:21,789
...meter maids,
infomercial producers, mimes.
162
00:12:23,597 --> 00:12:26,475
Well, here we are.
l hope this is to your liking.
163
00:12:26,677 --> 00:12:27,826
Oh, l'm sure it will be.
164
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,030
Hey!
165
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,192
What are you guys doing down here?
166
00:12:37,437 --> 00:12:40,395
Well, we were taking your body
to the dump-
167
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:43,793
l mean, the cemetery.
168
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:46,067
-when the brakes went out
on the Dodge.
169
00:12:46,277 --> 00:12:48,268
Al Bundy, this is all your fault.
170
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:52,709
l should be in heaven right now
having sex with young Elvis.
171
00:12:52,917 --> 00:12:55,750
Then it wouldn't be heaven for him
anymore, though, would it?
172
00:12:56,717 --> 00:12:58,753
Are you happy now?
173
00:12:58,957 --> 00:13:02,666
No. Not until you're as miserable
as you can possibly be.
174
00:13:02,877 --> 00:13:05,869
How can it get
any more miserable than this?
175
00:13:06,797 --> 00:13:09,186
Of course.
176
00:13:11,077 --> 00:13:12,305
What happened?
177
00:13:13,037 --> 00:13:17,110
Well, l was dancing
next to your grave...
178
00:13:17,317 --> 00:13:21,310
...l slipped on some confetti,
and the next thing you know, here l am.
179
00:13:21,517 --> 00:13:22,916
How'd you get here?
180
00:13:23,877 --> 00:13:25,868
There was a conga line...
181
00:13:28,397 --> 00:13:31,514
Lu, listen to me. l'm begging you.
Can't you put me somewhere else?
182
00:13:31,717 --> 00:13:34,993
Hey, l hear J. Edgar Hoover
has a queen-size bed.
183
00:13:37,197 --> 00:13:39,392
Have a nice eternity.
184
00:13:41,957 --> 00:13:43,948
You go to...
185
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,955
...here, you bastard.
186
00:13:55,477 --> 00:13:57,752
Peg, l'm home.
187
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:02,789
Al, shut the door.
You're letting all the flames in.
188
00:14:04,997 --> 00:14:05,986
Okay, home shoppers.
189
00:14:06,197 --> 00:14:11,590
Call now to get in on this lifetime
supply of bonbons for only five cents.
190
00:14:16,557 --> 00:14:17,876
Damn hooves.
191
00:14:18,077 --> 00:14:20,875
They're just a pain in the ass.
192
00:14:21,557 --> 00:14:24,355
Tell me about it, Peg.
193
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:34,356
l don't know how much more
lsis can take.
194
00:14:34,557 --> 00:14:37,867
lt's hard being gentle with claws.
195
00:14:41,677 --> 00:14:44,145
Well, here they are
for the 7 millionth...
196
00:14:44,357 --> 00:14:49,033
...nine hundred and sixteenth
thousand, forty-second time.
197
00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:51,195
Come on, Al, you know the drill.
198
00:14:51,397 --> 00:14:54,912
We can't leave
until you repeat the insult.
199
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:59,396
Okay. Look who's crossed the road.
200
00:14:59,597 --> 00:15:02,794
l'd say it was a chicken,
but it doesn't have any breasts...
201
00:15:02,997 --> 00:15:05,352
...just nuggets.
202
00:15:06,477 --> 00:15:10,550
And it takes 10 of them
to make a decent meal.
203
00:15:18,757 --> 00:15:20,076
Hey, is Kelly home?
204
00:15:20,437 --> 00:15:22,029
l'm ready. l'm ready.
205
00:15:29,717 --> 00:15:32,470
Hey, l still have a nice body.
206
00:15:33,997 --> 00:15:36,306
God, l hate being a gargoyle.
207
00:15:36,517 --> 00:15:39,475
lf anybody needs me,
l'll be perched on the roof.
208
00:15:40,637 --> 00:15:43,310
l can't take this anymore.
209
00:15:51,277 --> 00:15:55,555
No, these plans
for the O.J. plaza are all wrong.
210
00:15:56,477 --> 00:15:58,308
The F. Lee Bailey bar goes here...
211
00:15:58,517 --> 00:16:01,668
...and the Kato Kaelin lounge
goes over there.
212
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,072
Get it right.
213
00:16:05,117 --> 00:16:08,314
Hey, Lu, l want my soul back.
214
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,430
" l want my soul back.
l want my soul back."
215
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,629
That's all l hear from you
and Tiger Woods.
216
00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:17,192
Tiger Woods sold his soul?
217
00:16:17,397 --> 00:16:21,276
Of course. You don't think
anybody's really that good, do you?
218
00:16:22,077 --> 00:16:24,386
-Red Hots?
-Oh, thanks.
219
00:16:24,597 --> 00:16:26,952
Hey. You like to play games.
220
00:16:27,157 --> 00:16:31,070
Football, one on one, me against you,
winner take all.
221
00:16:31,717 --> 00:16:32,866
l don't know.
222
00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:37,751
So the big, bad,
fire-spitting devil is all talk.
223
00:16:42,637 --> 00:16:45,595
Not that l don't respect
a little fire spitting.
224
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:49,392
Look, Bundy, l've been pretty easy
on you up until now.
225
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:52,270
But if you want me
to turn up the heat...
226
00:16:52,477 --> 00:16:54,468
...you're going down.
227
00:16:55,357 --> 00:16:57,825
l'm already down.
228
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,428
Let's rock.
229
00:17:04,237 --> 00:17:06,307
l thought this was just between
you and me.
230
00:17:07,677 --> 00:17:10,987
Allow me to introduce my team.
231
00:17:11,877 --> 00:17:15,267
Erik the Red, Attila the Hun...
232
00:17:15,477 --> 00:17:18,389
...Genghis Khan, Brutus...
233
00:17:18,597 --> 00:17:21,111
...and my favourite, Goliath.
234
00:17:22,677 --> 00:17:24,668
These guys aren't football players.
235
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,994
l know. They just hurt people.
236
00:17:28,997 --> 00:17:30,828
That's not fair.
l don't have a team.
237
00:17:31,037 --> 00:17:33,835
Oh, sure you do, Al.
238
00:17:34,517 --> 00:17:36,906
Hey, Daddy. All right.
239
00:17:38,437 --> 00:17:40,507
Like l said, l don't have a team.
240
00:17:42,117 --> 00:17:45,348
Okay, guys.
Now, this is sudden death.
241
00:17:47,957 --> 00:17:49,834
No kidding.
242
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,192
All we have to do
is score the first touchdown...
243
00:17:53,397 --> 00:17:54,466
...and we get to go home.
244
00:17:54,677 --> 00:17:57,145
So give me the ball
and stay out of my way.
245
00:17:57,357 --> 00:18:00,827
-Can l get a "whoa, Bundy"?
-Whoa, Bundy!
246
00:18:03,797 --> 00:18:05,116
Ready.
247
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:06,386
Hut one.
248
00:18:10,197 --> 00:18:11,915
Yes.
249
00:18:13,277 --> 00:18:14,915
Okay, a new plan.
250
00:18:15,117 --> 00:18:19,827
Stay out of my way,
but stay in their way.
251
00:18:20,277 --> 00:18:22,268
Can l get a "whoa, Bundy"?
252
00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:24,672
Whoa, Bundy.
253
00:18:31,917 --> 00:18:33,350
All right.
254
00:18:33,557 --> 00:18:34,910
New plan.
255
00:18:35,437 --> 00:18:39,146
They're expecting me to get the ball.
Let's change all that.
256
00:18:39,357 --> 00:18:40,870
Can l get a "whoa, Bundy"?
257
00:18:41,517 --> 00:18:42,950
All right.
258
00:18:43,277 --> 00:18:47,190
-Hut one. Jefferson. Jefferson.
-What? What? Hey, hey.
259
00:18:47,397 --> 00:18:48,546
l don't want it.
260
00:18:56,957 --> 00:18:59,187
Having some fun now,
huh, Bundy?
261
00:18:59,397 --> 00:19:03,276
Maybe when hell freezes over,
we can play hockey.
262
00:19:04,797 --> 00:19:06,833
All right. This is our last chance.
263
00:19:07,037 --> 00:19:10,234
Jefferson, it's time
for the Hail Mary.
264
00:19:11,957 --> 00:19:14,755
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
265
00:19:14,957 --> 00:19:18,313
Not the prayer. The pass.
266
00:19:18,517 --> 00:19:20,872
-Ready. Break.
-Break.
267
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:22,556
Hold on.
268
00:19:23,677 --> 00:19:28,671
Three eight five! Three eight five!
Six hut.
269
00:19:57,637 --> 00:20:00,390
Hey, l was about to catch that.
270
00:20:01,397 --> 00:20:04,469
Are you sure you want to?
271
00:20:04,677 --> 00:20:06,907
You see, Al, if you catch the ball...
272
00:20:07,117 --> 00:20:10,393
...l send you all back together
as we agreed.
273
00:20:10,597 --> 00:20:13,395
However, if you drop the ball...
274
00:20:14,077 --> 00:20:17,308
...l'll still send you back,
not with them...
275
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,155
...but with them.
276
00:20:23,837 --> 00:20:26,226
-Come on, Al.
-Yeah, you can do it.
277
00:20:26,437 --> 00:20:28,792
-You can do it.
-Come on.
278
00:20:29,357 --> 00:20:32,508
-Come on, Al.
-Yeah, you can do it.
279
00:20:37,357 --> 00:20:38,312
Al?
280
00:20:38,517 --> 00:20:39,950
Al, come on. Are you all right?
281
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:42,034
Get up. Come on.
282
00:20:42,957 --> 00:20:44,595
l'm home. l'm-
283
00:20:44,797 --> 00:20:46,196
l'm really home.
284
00:20:46,397 --> 00:20:48,274
Well, of course you're home.
285
00:20:48,477 --> 00:20:50,832
Where the hell else would you be?
286
00:20:51,037 --> 00:20:54,871
Exactly. l was in hell.
And you were there...
287
00:20:55,077 --> 00:20:58,228
...and you were there,
and you were there, and...
288
00:20:58,437 --> 00:21:01,315
And, of course, you were there.
289
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:03,593
He's fine.
290
00:21:03,797 --> 00:21:05,833
Nice going with
the dinner table, Al.
291
00:21:06,037 --> 00:21:08,267
Yeah. Now what are we
not gonna eat on?
292
00:21:09,637 --> 00:21:13,152
l can't believe you went to hell
and didn't even bring me a souvenir.
293
00:21:15,117 --> 00:21:17,551
Hey, Al, the NFL draft is on.
294
00:21:17,757 --> 00:21:20,225
lt must have been a dream.
295
00:21:26,277 --> 00:21:29,030
There's no hell like home.1
00:00:02,843 --> 00:00:04,356
Hey, Ma.
2
00:00:05,003 --> 00:00:06,152
Hey, you guys...
3
00:00:06,363 --> 00:00:09,241
...l think we haven't been paying
enough attention to Lucky.
4
00:00:09,683 --> 00:00:11,401
Who's Lucky?
5
00:00:12,283 --> 00:00:14,717
Any guy who goes out on a date
with Kelly.
6
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:22,640
Well, hasn't anyone else noticed
that he seems kind of depressed?
7
00:00:22,843 --> 00:00:25,073
Well, what makes you think
something like that?
8
00:01:03,883 --> 00:01:05,475
-Now, easy. Easy now.
-l'm going, l'm-
9
00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:07,560
-Watch it.
-We're gonna have so much fun...
10
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,037
...with this damn thing, Bud.
11
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:13,436
Watch it. You're gonna nick
the side of the box.
12
00:01:13,643 --> 00:01:16,111
You are never gonna get
that big, stupid thing in here.
13
00:01:16,323 --> 00:01:19,520
That's what l said when l carried you
over the threshold.
14
00:01:20,803 --> 00:01:23,795
Hi, neighbours. Look, we brought you
some things to munch-
15
00:01:24,923 --> 00:01:28,199
-Hey. Hey.
-Watch it. l'll kill you for that!
16
00:01:31,083 --> 00:01:33,722
Told you we should've used
the feed pole.
17
00:01:34,643 --> 00:01:37,680
Well, enjoy. And there's plenty more
where that came from.
18
00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:42,240
All you have to do is stay inside
the entire weekend, okay?
19
00:01:42,443 --> 00:01:44,035
Why?
20
00:01:45,723 --> 00:01:48,840
Well, my cousin Mandy
is coming for a visit.
21
00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:50,874
And how can l put this nicely?
22
00:01:51,083 --> 00:01:53,802
l don't want her
to be repulsed by you.
23
00:01:54,363 --> 00:01:56,672
You know, not that you're repulsive.
24
00:02:04,563 --> 00:02:06,440
Enough said.
25
00:02:07,723 --> 00:02:10,191
But, you know, it's been years
since l've seen Mandy...
26
00:02:10,403 --> 00:02:12,075
...and we were once very close.
27
00:02:12,283 --> 00:02:14,399
ln fact, we're identical.
28
00:02:14,603 --> 00:02:17,515
So she's as obnoxious as you?
29
00:02:18,083 --> 00:02:20,836
ldentical cousins.
There's no such thing.
30
00:02:21,043 --> 00:02:22,635
Well, sure there is.
31
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:26,119
Samantha and Serena,
Patty and Cathy.
32
00:02:26,323 --> 00:02:27,392
Exactly.
33
00:02:27,603 --> 00:02:32,154
We walk alik e, we talk alik e
Sometimes we even something alik e
34
00:02:33,363 --> 00:02:36,594
So there's another one out there
exactly like you?
35
00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:39,194
Well, not exactly.
36
00:02:39,403 --> 00:02:41,439
l am a little prettier.
37
00:02:42,323 --> 00:02:45,918
lf she's the pretty one,
imagine what the cousin looks like.
38
00:02:46,603 --> 00:02:49,242
Do you see l'm trying to eat here?
39
00:02:50,803 --> 00:02:52,919
Watch it now. Watch it now. Watch it.
40
00:02:53,123 --> 00:02:56,513
He fakes, he shoots, he scores!
l win again.
41
00:02:56,723 --> 00:02:59,078
Relax, Dad. lt's just foosball.
42
00:02:59,283 --> 00:03:01,114
Just foosball, son?
43
00:03:01,323 --> 00:03:03,996
This is the greatest invention
ever made.
44
00:03:04,363 --> 00:03:07,514
Edward Foos
was a boy with a dream.
45
00:03:08,123 --> 00:03:10,683
A dream to invent a game
that everyone can enjoy...
46
00:03:10,883 --> 00:03:13,443
...no matter how out of shape
or drunk you are.
47
00:03:15,803 --> 00:03:18,158
The boy's not right, Peg.
48
00:03:18,403 --> 00:03:21,679
l knew that the day we dropped him
on his head and he didn't scream.
49
00:03:27,683 --> 00:03:29,241
-Hi, l'm Man-
-Nice wig, Marce.
50
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:32,116
Hey, Peg, look here. The fifth Beatle.
51
00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:41,512
l'm not Marcy.
l'm Mandy, Marcy's cousin.
52
00:03:43,443 --> 00:03:46,515
You and Marcy
really do look alike.
53
00:03:46,723 --> 00:03:48,793
You think so?
l know l'm no supermodel...
54
00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:51,676
...but l never really thought
l looked like a chicken.
55
00:03:52,883 --> 00:03:54,202
l like her.
56
00:03:54,643 --> 00:03:57,396
Marcy and Jefferson
went to meet you at the airport.
57
00:03:57,843 --> 00:03:59,834
Well, my flight was early,
so l took a cab.
58
00:04:00,043 --> 00:04:03,194
-You mind if l wait here?
-No, not at all. Not at all.
59
00:04:03,403 --> 00:04:05,314
Of course, here in the Windy City...
60
00:04:05,523 --> 00:04:09,516
...it's customary to tip people
who let you into their home.
61
00:04:11,123 --> 00:04:13,079
You must be Al.
62
00:04:13,443 --> 00:04:15,752
Sadly, he must.
63
00:04:16,483 --> 00:04:18,951
Hey, foosball. You any good?
64
00:04:19,203 --> 00:04:21,637
ls your cousin flat-chested?
65
00:04:23,123 --> 00:04:24,715
Oh, score!
66
00:04:24,923 --> 00:04:26,072
l'm ahead.
67
00:04:26,283 --> 00:04:29,798
Lucky shot. That was a lucky shot.
68
00:04:30,443 --> 00:04:32,195
-Now can l play?
-Not now, Peg.
69
00:04:32,403 --> 00:04:34,758
Score! l win.
70
00:04:35,323 --> 00:04:37,678
We couldn't find my cousin at-
71
00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:41,115
-Mandy!
-Marcy!
72
00:04:47,003 --> 00:04:51,394
-You look great.
-So do you.
73
00:04:51,723 --> 00:04:52,997
What are you doing here?
74
00:04:53,763 --> 00:04:55,162
We didn't go out. She came in.
75
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,912
Which reminds me, we're-
We're out of onion dip.
76
00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:04,317
Mandy, this is my Jefferson.
77
00:05:04,923 --> 00:05:07,756
Don't you wish you had one
just like him?
78
00:05:07,963 --> 00:05:10,796
You mean
there's another one of him too?
79
00:05:11,803 --> 00:05:14,601
Wow, you're even better looking
than Marcy said.
80
00:05:14,803 --> 00:05:16,202
Oh, so are you.
81
00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:21,551
Honey, why did you say
you were the pretty one?
82
00:05:23,443 --> 00:05:26,674
Come on now.
We're right in the middle of a game.
83
00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:29,235
Marcy...
84
00:05:29,683 --> 00:05:34,074
...if you guys are identical,
how come she has...?
85
00:05:34,283 --> 00:05:35,921
lmplants.
86
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,402
Really?
87
00:05:40,563 --> 00:05:42,315
Not that l like...
88
00:05:42,563 --> 00:05:44,155
...big, luscious breasts.
89
00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:48,801
They just get in the way.
90
00:05:51,083 --> 00:05:54,473
Those pills the vet gave Lucky
really have pepped him up.
91
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:59,113
Don't you think
that he's a little bit too hyper?
92
00:06:02,243 --> 00:06:06,031
No. No, he's fine.
93
00:06:06,243 --> 00:06:08,473
Hey, he's burying a bone.
94
00:06:14,483 --> 00:06:17,395
You know, we should give
some of those pills to Mom.
95
00:06:17,603 --> 00:06:21,073
l did. How do you think
she got off the couch?
96
00:06:23,963 --> 00:06:26,602
-Hey.
-Hi. Hi, Peggy.
97
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,555
l got your bonbons.
98
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:33,917
Guess what. l am making Jefferson
his favourite supper tonight.
99
00:06:34,123 --> 00:06:37,798
-Why?
-Because if a wife doesn't do it...
100
00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:41,279
...then some other woman might
come along and steal him away.
101
00:06:41,483 --> 00:06:45,032
Even someone you least expect,
you know, like a cousin.
102
00:06:46,523 --> 00:06:49,754
You know, a cousin that all the boys
like best because she's such fun.
103
00:06:49,963 --> 00:06:53,000
Boys like Jimmy Miller, who showed
Mandy his baseball cards...
104
00:06:53,203 --> 00:06:56,161
...and played keep away
with little Marcy's undershirt.
105
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,801
Marcy, l'm really worried.
106
00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:02,632
Maybe we shouldn't have let Mandy
spend the day with Al and Jefferson.
107
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,351
Why, Peggy Bundy.
108
00:07:04,563 --> 00:07:07,555
lf l didn't know better,
l'd say you were jealous.
109
00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:10,722
What a game.
110
00:07:10,923 --> 00:07:14,040
-What was the final score?
-Thirty-seven to 14.
111
00:07:14,243 --> 00:07:16,313
That doesn't sound
like a baseball score.
112
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:19,321
lt's not. That's how many beers
and hot dogs we had...
113
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:22,196
...before we decided
to pants Jefferson.
114
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:24,312
Yeah, you kidders.
115
00:07:24,523 --> 00:07:28,072
Luckily, it was Souvenir Towel Day
at the ballpark.
116
00:07:28,283 --> 00:07:30,717
Hey, Marce, got you a T-shirt.
117
00:07:31,123 --> 00:07:34,399
-Keep away!
-Keep away from Marcy!
118
00:07:38,163 --> 00:07:40,040
Mandy! Mandy! Mandy!
119
00:07:40,243 --> 00:07:42,916
-Mandy! Mandy!
-Mandy! Mandy!
120
00:07:43,123 --> 00:07:46,195
You guys are so immature!
121
00:07:46,403 --> 00:07:48,792
Give it back or l'm telling.
122
00:07:54,243 --> 00:07:57,394
Hey, look what Jefferson gave me.
He caught a foul ball.
123
00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:01,232
Well, actually, it was a home-run ball,
but, you know, no big deal.
124
00:08:01,443 --> 00:08:05,118
He's been trying to catch one
of those his whole life. Excuse me.
125
00:08:05,323 --> 00:08:06,881
Al, new deal.
126
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:11,156
How would you like
a nice juicy pot roast for supper?
127
00:08:11,363 --> 00:08:12,762
With those little potatoes?
128
00:08:12,963 --> 00:08:15,636
And biscuits and gravy...
129
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:16,798
What do l gotta do?
130
00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:19,995
All you have to do
is keep Mandy away from Jefferson...
131
00:08:20,203 --> 00:08:21,841
...until she leaves tomorrow.
132
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:22,998
l can do that.
133
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,842
Mandy, you wanna stay
for dinner tonight?
134
00:08:26,043 --> 00:08:29,080
Jefferson and l need a little
alone time. Come on, honey.
135
00:08:29,283 --> 00:08:32,195
Wait, you know, l think l'll just stay
and hang out with Mandy.
136
00:08:32,403 --> 00:08:34,394
Or l could come now.
137
00:08:36,163 --> 00:08:37,198
Hey, Peg...
138
00:08:37,403 --> 00:08:40,873
...how would you like a pot roast
dinner tonight with all the fixings?
139
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:43,313
-Where are we going?
-The kitchen.
140
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,479
l'm not cooking.
141
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,877
l'll do it. l love to cook.
142
00:08:49,203 --> 00:08:51,080
Why can't you be
more like Mandy, Peg?
143
00:08:51,283 --> 00:08:52,796
She likes foosball, baseball...
144
00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:55,358
...she likes to cook.
She's just like a wife...
145
00:08:55,563 --> 00:08:57,235
...but fun.
146
00:08:58,323 --> 00:09:00,314
So marry her.
147
00:09:03,923 --> 00:09:05,402
How about it, Mandy?
148
00:09:05,603 --> 00:09:07,400
Me and you in Vegas...
149
00:09:07,603 --> 00:09:10,515
...a honeymoon
at football fantasy camp.
150
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:14,279
-lt sounds fun, Al, but l'm involved.
-Yeah?
151
00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:18,194
-Who's the lucky guy?
-Barbara.
152
00:09:19,323 --> 00:09:20,278
Barbara?
153
00:09:20,483 --> 00:09:24,442
Well, that sounds like he might
be a little light in the loafers, huh?
154
00:09:24,843 --> 00:09:28,233
Well, actually, she's a little heavy
in the construction boots.
155
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:29,796
She?
156
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,642
Yes. Al, l'm gay.
157
00:09:38,763 --> 00:09:40,435
Gay?
158
00:09:41,723 --> 00:09:44,556
l can see that you're shocked, Al.
159
00:09:44,763 --> 00:09:47,197
Why do you think l went with you
to the Jiggly Room?
160
00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:49,871
l thought you were being
a good sport.
161
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:54,233
Why do you think l was blowing kisses
to all the strippers?
162
00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:56,399
l thought you were aiming at me
and missing.
163
00:09:58,083 --> 00:09:59,801
Did any of them kiss back?
164
00:10:01,523 --> 00:10:03,320
But not Lolla, huh?
165
00:10:03,963 --> 00:10:05,794
Of course not. Lolla's a guy.
166
00:10:06,003 --> 00:10:09,359
-What? What?
-Calm down, Al.
167
00:10:09,563 --> 00:10:11,440
That can't be.
168
00:10:13,403 --> 00:10:15,553
How did a thing like this
happen to you?
169
00:10:15,763 --> 00:10:17,993
What, did you get stood up
for the prom...
170
00:10:18,203 --> 00:10:20,319
...or you went to prison?
171
00:10:20,923 --> 00:10:23,391
l know. lt was
summer camp, wasn't it?
172
00:10:23,603 --> 00:10:25,719
You sprained
a muscle skinny-dipping...
173
00:10:25,923 --> 00:10:27,754
...and the beautiful,
blond counsellor-
174
00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:29,954
Let's call her Betty.
175
00:10:30,523 --> 00:10:33,242
-carried you back to her cabin
and gave you a massage.
176
00:10:33,443 --> 00:10:34,796
And before you knew it...
177
00:10:35,003 --> 00:10:39,440
...you were a love slave
in an all-girl sex cult.
178
00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:44,119
Yeah, that's what happened.
179
00:10:44,923 --> 00:10:47,198
You saw that in a video,
didn't you, Al?
180
00:10:47,403 --> 00:10:50,679
Yeah. My favourite.
181
00:10:51,363 --> 00:10:53,001
Mine too.
182
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:58,436
So you don't have a problem
with two women being together?
183
00:10:58,643 --> 00:11:00,395
No.
184
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:03,197
As long as there's a guy watching.
185
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:13,242
Well, l've told everyone in the family
except for Marcy.
186
00:11:14,203 --> 00:11:16,717
-How do you think she's gonna take it?
-Are you crazy?
187
00:11:16,923 --> 00:11:19,073
She's done a lot weirder sex stuff
than that.
188
00:11:19,683 --> 00:11:21,036
l shouldn't be surprised.
189
00:11:21,243 --> 00:11:23,711
She used to have to pay boys
to kiss her.
190
00:11:23,923 --> 00:11:25,879
She still does.
191
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:33,514
So, Al, has your little friend
finally gone home...
192
00:11:33,723 --> 00:11:35,315
...or do you want her to sleep over?
193
00:11:35,523 --> 00:11:39,072
Peg, you don't have to worry
about Mandy.
194
00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,877
Why? Because you only
have eyes for me?
195
00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:43,960
No.
196
00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:45,835
No, Peg...
197
00:11:46,763 --> 00:11:48,276
...Mandy's gay.
198
00:11:48,483 --> 00:11:51,441
-She is?
-Yes, Peg.
199
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:55,841
l'm surprised you couldn't pick it up.
l never miss a thing like that.
200
00:11:56,043 --> 00:11:58,034
Gaydar.
201
00:12:03,643 --> 00:12:06,111
Good thing the vet took Lucky
off those puppy uppers.
202
00:12:06,323 --> 00:12:10,111
Yesterday he was chasing cars
and passing them.
203
00:12:10,883 --> 00:12:14,000
Well, the vet said that the pills
were just masking his pain.
204
00:12:14,203 --> 00:12:16,239
l think he's depressed
because he's lonely.
205
00:12:16,443 --> 00:12:19,640
So l set up this little date for him.
206
00:12:20,723 --> 00:12:24,352
Kelly, only an idiot
would help a dog to date.
207
00:12:27,323 --> 00:12:30,395
l'm Bud.
l'll be your waiter this evening.
208
00:12:31,803 --> 00:12:34,954
Hey, Elaine. Hey, Frisky.
209
00:12:35,163 --> 00:12:37,882
Frisky, that's Lucky.
210
00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:40,961
And this is loser.
211
00:12:42,123 --> 00:12:43,317
-Hi, Kelly.
-Hi.
212
00:12:43,523 --> 00:12:45,354
Bye, Kelly.
213
00:12:51,723 --> 00:12:54,681
So Frisky and Lucky.
214
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,156
Let's hope
that also describes their owners.
215
00:12:59,963 --> 00:13:02,158
l can't believe
you went to so much trouble.
216
00:13:02,363 --> 00:13:05,355
l love that you love your dog
this much.
217
00:13:05,563 --> 00:13:10,398
We want to do whatever it takes
to get our furry little friends together.
218
00:13:38,723 --> 00:13:43,114
Oh, l'm sorry. l'll be more gentle.
219
00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:46,998
That wasn't me.
No, l don't make that noise until later.
220
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,919
Lucky, be nice. She's company.
221
00:13:54,123 --> 00:13:57,320
Your dog doesn't like my dog
very much.
222
00:13:57,523 --> 00:14:00,560
Sure he does.
He's just playing hard to get.
223
00:14:08,243 --> 00:14:10,677
Okay, so she's not your type.
224
00:14:10,963 --> 00:14:14,512
Can't you just close your eyes
and pretend she's Lassie?
225
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:16,634
lt's worked for me.
226
00:14:19,963 --> 00:14:22,761
l can't believe how rude your dog is.
227
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,921
Me neither. l'll have him put to sleep.
228
00:14:29,163 --> 00:14:31,233
We'll just play with your dog.
229
00:14:34,283 --> 00:14:37,992
l have a better idea.
Why don't you play with yourself?
230
00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:51,514
-Al, get the door.
-l'm trying to, Peg.
231
00:14:53,763 --> 00:14:55,594
Well, so much for honesty.
232
00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:57,361
What, she kicked you out?
233
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,600
Well, not right away.
First she started screaming...
234
00:15:00,803 --> 00:15:03,601
...and babbling something
about an undershirt.
235
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,398
l hate to impose,
but can l crash on your couch?
236
00:15:06,603 --> 00:15:09,561
Well, that depends.
Won't turn it gay, will it?
237
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,562
-No, l don't think so, Al.
-Just checking.
238
00:15:13,763 --> 00:15:16,231
Well, l better get on upstairs.
239
00:15:18,323 --> 00:15:20,518
l trust you're enough of a lady
not to whistle...
240
00:15:20,723 --> 00:15:23,317
...at my tight little behind
as l go up the stairs.
241
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,721
-Al, l told you, l'm gay.
-That may well be...
242
00:15:26,923 --> 00:15:29,835
...but there are some things
no woman can resist.
243
00:15:39,483 --> 00:15:41,678
Hey, Mandy, l have a question.
244
00:15:41,883 --> 00:15:44,636
Do you just like certain women?
245
00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:46,993
Or would you sleep
with any woman on Earth...
246
00:15:47,203 --> 00:15:49,239
...before you'd sleep with a man?
247
00:15:49,603 --> 00:15:51,878
Well, it depends.
Give me a "for instance."
248
00:15:52,403 --> 00:15:54,155
For instance...
249
00:15:55,123 --> 00:15:57,000
...you're on a desert island.
250
00:15:57,203 --> 00:15:59,558
Who would you rather be with,
me or Cindy Crawford?
251
00:15:59,763 --> 00:16:00,878
Cindy.
252
00:16:02,363 --> 00:16:04,081
Me...
253
00:16:04,643 --> 00:16:07,441
-...or Phyllis Diller?
-Phyllis.
254
00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:10,521
Me...
255
00:16:10,723 --> 00:16:13,317
...or Marge Schott?
256
00:16:14,603 --> 00:16:16,798
You. But the whole time
we'd be doing it...
257
00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:19,392
...l'd be thinking of Phyllis Diller.
258
00:16:25,883 --> 00:16:30,320
-Al, get the door.
-Yes, my queen.
259
00:16:32,883 --> 00:16:35,272
Oh, Jefferson,
what the hell do you want?
260
00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:37,314
A place to sleep.
261
00:16:38,963 --> 00:16:40,396
Hey, wait a minute. What-?
262
00:16:40,603 --> 00:16:44,642
What are you two doing down here
together in your pyjamas?
263
00:16:45,243 --> 00:16:48,838
l thought you were gay.
264
00:16:51,363 --> 00:16:53,194
l am.
265
00:16:54,123 --> 00:16:57,957
-Does Peggy know about this?
-Peggy sent me down here.
266
00:16:58,243 --> 00:16:59,722
You people are...
267
00:16:59,923 --> 00:17:01,436
...sick.
268
00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:07,239
Yes, we are, Jefferson. Sick enough
to turn your head into a gravy boat...
269
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,161
...if you don't get out of here.
270
00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:10,512
l can't leave.
271
00:17:10,723 --> 00:17:15,399
Marcy's mad at me just because
l called out Mandy's name in bed.
272
00:17:17,163 --> 00:17:18,881
Excuse me.
273
00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:23,355
You know, for a lesbian,
you sure spend a lot of time with men.
274
00:17:23,683 --> 00:17:25,799
And what are you doing here
in your pyjamas?
275
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,915
Oh, l'm sorry, Peggy.
Marcy kicked me out.
276
00:17:29,123 --> 00:17:31,114
And she threw away our ball.
277
00:17:31,323 --> 00:17:32,961
Al Bundy, this is all your fault.
278
00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:36,712
-Why is it all my fault?
-lt just is. Get up.
279
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:38,322
l want you to go to Marcy's...
280
00:17:38,523 --> 00:17:40,878
...and tell her to get her relatives
out of my house.
281
00:17:41,083 --> 00:17:42,357
Oh, that's a good idea, Peg.
282
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:45,521
Because when l see Marcy
in her pyjamas, l'll have a seizure.
283
00:17:45,723 --> 00:17:48,556
On my way to the hospital,
between the blaring of the sirens...
284
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:52,199
...and the paramedics yelling " Clear,"
maybe then l can get some sleep.
285
00:17:55,643 --> 00:17:57,713
Hate Mandy. Hate Mandy.
Hate Mandy.
286
00:17:57,923 --> 00:18:01,552
-Hate her. Hate her. Hate her.
-Marcy.
287
00:18:04,763 --> 00:18:06,082
What are you doing up here?
288
00:18:06,283 --> 00:18:10,162
Oh, you know me. Can't keep me out
of a shrill woman's bedroom.
289
00:18:10,363 --> 00:18:12,035
-Go home.
-l'd like to.
290
00:18:12,243 --> 00:18:15,997
But my living room is full of women,
men and your cousin.
291
00:18:16,403 --> 00:18:17,882
Why is that, Marcy?
292
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:21,359
Because l hate Mandy,
and l never wanna speak to her again.
293
00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:24,600
That's understandable. No one
should have to speak with family.
294
00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:27,112
lf l were king, l'd make it a law.
295
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,518
You're the tree-hugging bra-burner
around here.
296
00:18:29,723 --> 00:18:31,202
What do you care if she's gay?
297
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:35,042
l don't hate Mandy
because she's gay.
298
00:18:35,243 --> 00:18:39,759
l hate Mandy because everyone
likes her better than me!
299
00:18:47,003 --> 00:18:50,279
All our lives,
Mandy was the talented one.
300
00:18:50,483 --> 00:18:51,962
Mandy was the popular one.
301
00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:53,482
And the pretty one?
302
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:59,401
She stole all my boyfriends,
and now l've found out...
303
00:18:59,603 --> 00:19:01,878
...she didn't even want them!
304
00:19:06,483 --> 00:19:11,318
Why does everyone like her
better than me?
305
00:19:11,963 --> 00:19:15,876
Well, for starters, she never
blew her nose in my pyjama top.
306
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:21,958
l know l'm not perfect,
but l do have some good qualities.
307
00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:24,438
Sure, if you say so.
308
00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:29,996
-Name one?
-Oh, jeez, l don't know.
309
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:33,434
Well, you've got
a high school diploma...
310
00:19:33,883 --> 00:19:36,716
...and you never let your eyebrows
grow together.
311
00:19:36,923 --> 00:19:39,517
Perfect height for a lawn jockey.
312
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,678
Wait a minute. l got it.
313
00:19:42,883 --> 00:19:46,432
l'll bet you're the reasonable one.
314
00:19:47,243 --> 00:19:49,518
-Me?
-Yes.
315
00:19:49,843 --> 00:19:51,993
You're big enough
and wise enough...
316
00:19:52,203 --> 00:19:55,161
...to sit down with Mandy-
Over here.
317
00:19:55,883 --> 00:19:58,351
and talk this thing out.
318
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:03,153
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Al.
319
00:20:03,363 --> 00:20:06,082
l am the reasonable one.
320
00:20:09,283 --> 00:20:11,274
-Al?
-Yeah?
321
00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:15,756
Are we alone together in my bedroom
hugging in the middle of the night?
322
00:20:22,163 --> 00:20:24,518
See you at the All-Star Game.
323
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,237
One more game of foosball?
324
00:20:28,083 --> 00:20:31,075
l'd love to, Al, but Marcy's waiting
to take me to the airport.
325
00:20:31,283 --> 00:20:36,311
Oh, yes. And we wouldn't want Mandy
to miss her plane.
326
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,081
You know, Peg, l'm really sorry...
327
00:20:40,283 --> 00:20:42,672
...that we didn't get to know
one another better.
328
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:45,278
l think l know enough.
329
00:20:46,683 --> 00:20:49,151
Well, there's one thing
you may not know.
330
00:20:49,483 --> 00:20:51,997
-Oh, really?
-Yep.
331
00:20:52,203 --> 00:20:53,841
l think you're gorgeous.
332
00:20:57,363 --> 00:20:59,354
Oh, really?
333
00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:09,517
Don't be a stranger.
334
00:21:11,123 --> 00:21:13,683
Remember, she was my friend first.
335
00:21:13,883 --> 00:21:15,555
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
336
00:21:15,763 --> 00:21:18,800
Hey, guess what.
Lucky's not depressed anymore.
337
00:21:19,003 --> 00:21:20,675
Found a little friend in the park.
338
00:21:24,483 --> 00:21:26,360
His name's Spike.
339
00:21:26,563 --> 00:21:28,633
l think they're in love.1
00:00:10,433 --> 00:00:12,788
l can't believe Dad's
kicking us out of the house...
2
00:00:12,993 --> 00:00:14,665
...just to watch some stupid movie.
3
00:00:14,873 --> 00:00:16,147
Oh, it's okay, honey.
4
00:00:16,353 --> 00:00:19,982
You and l are gonna have
a terrific time at this strip show.
5
00:00:20,193 --> 00:00:24,152
lt'll be just like your 12th birthday
all over again.
6
00:00:24,713 --> 00:00:28,262
Okay, but this time
you're the designated driver.
7
00:00:28,473 --> 00:00:30,464
All right, let's check our equipment.
8
00:00:30,673 --> 00:00:32,982
-Ones and fives.
-Check.
9
00:00:33,193 --> 00:00:35,991
-Wesson oil.
-Check.
10
00:00:36,513 --> 00:00:39,471
A driver's licence,
just in case l get carded.
11
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,868
That's a good one, Mom.
12
00:00:43,993 --> 00:00:46,109
l mean, check.
13
00:00:57,793 --> 00:00:59,749
lt was a bad day today, Peg.
14
00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:04,025
One minute, the biggest woman
in the world was in front of me.
15
00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:08,670
l was trying to wedge a size four
on her foot with my lucky shoehorn...
16
00:01:09,353 --> 00:01:11,423
...the next minute, she was gone.
17
00:01:11,993 --> 00:01:14,461
The woman died in your store?
18
00:01:14,673 --> 00:01:17,904
Not the woman, Peg, the shoehorn.
19
00:01:19,273 --> 00:01:21,184
Look at it, Peg.
20
00:01:22,993 --> 00:01:25,382
Crushed like a beer can
at a Raiders game.
21
00:01:26,993 --> 00:01:27,982
l'll tell you, Peg...
22
00:01:28,193 --> 00:01:32,311
...the only thing that kept me going
was knowing that tonight is the night.
23
00:01:32,513 --> 00:01:34,265
Oh, don't worry, honey.
24
00:01:34,473 --> 00:01:37,909
We will be gone
by the time your little movie starts.
25
00:01:38,113 --> 00:01:41,423
Death Wish 6 is not a little movie.
26
00:01:41,633 --> 00:01:43,589
lt is a once-in-a-lifetime...
27
00:01:43,793 --> 00:01:47,866
...3-D, splatter-vision,
pay-per-view event.
28
00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,312
Guys...
29
00:02:05,073 --> 00:02:06,825
...l need the house to myself tonight.
30
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:09,228
My pen pal, Starla,
just got out of prison...
31
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:11,583
...and she's coming here to see me.
32
00:02:11,793 --> 00:02:13,146
What does she look like?
33
00:02:13,353 --> 00:02:16,186
Supposedly, like Cindy Crawford,
but who cares?
34
00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:19,982
She's under 30 and hasn't
been touched by a man in years.
35
00:02:20,193 --> 00:02:23,310
Oh, she's just like me.
36
00:02:23,513 --> 00:02:27,631
Except that your crimes continue
to go unpunished.
37
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:30,305
Go away.
38
00:02:31,273 --> 00:02:32,911
Dad, Starla and l need some privacy.
39
00:02:33,113 --> 00:02:35,502
She's gonna do a body search.
40
00:02:36,433 --> 00:02:38,708
And l've hidden things.
41
00:02:39,873 --> 00:02:43,149
You all have exactly 12 and a half
minutes to vacate the premises.
42
00:02:43,353 --> 00:02:46,345
l have every movement timed
down to the final second...
43
00:02:46,553 --> 00:02:48,191
...including this one.
44
00:02:53,953 --> 00:02:55,181
Come on, Mom, let's go.
45
00:02:55,393 --> 00:02:58,226
We want to get a pole-side table,
don't we?
46
00:02:58,433 --> 00:03:00,901
Wait a minute, honey.
Come help me find my punch card.
47
00:03:01,113 --> 00:03:03,946
l think l'm due a free lap dance.
48
00:03:13,713 --> 00:03:16,511
l'm looking for Bud Bundy.
49
00:03:16,713 --> 00:03:18,192
l'm Bud.
50
00:03:18,393 --> 00:03:20,588
And you must be Starla?
51
00:03:20,793 --> 00:03:23,785
You don't look like Brad Pitt.
52
00:03:25,713 --> 00:03:28,625
And you don't look like
Cindy Crawford either.
53
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:30,266
No.
54
00:03:30,473 --> 00:03:32,031
But l've got a gun.
55
00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:34,224
This is a holdup.
56
00:03:35,313 --> 00:03:37,702
-Come on.
-l hope you don't think l'm weird...
57
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:40,427
...but this is kind of turning me on
a little bit.
58
00:03:40,633 --> 00:03:42,430
Sicko.
59
00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:46,505
You told me you lived
in a French provincial estate.
60
00:03:46,713 --> 00:03:48,908
My cell is nicer than this dump.
61
00:03:49,113 --> 00:03:52,150
Starla, l lied to you because l knew
l wasn't good enough for you.
62
00:03:52,353 --> 00:03:54,230
And we don't-
We don't have any money.
63
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:57,391
And l don't play for the Bulls either.
64
00:03:58,553 --> 00:04:00,669
l ought to beat you up.
65
00:04:01,473 --> 00:04:03,828
Would you mind
putting on a nightie first?
66
00:04:04,593 --> 00:04:07,585
All right, guys. Oh, hey. Bye.
67
00:04:07,793 --> 00:04:09,306
Oh, good, your friend came.
68
00:04:09,513 --> 00:04:11,469
-You guys have a great time.
-Hey, hey, hey.
69
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:14,908
l'm on the run,
l've got nothing to lose.
70
00:04:15,113 --> 00:04:18,628
Either you and your sisters cooperate,
or someone's gonna get hurt.
71
00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:20,585
Sisters?
72
00:04:22,953 --> 00:04:24,306
l like her.
73
00:05:02,673 --> 00:05:04,106
Mom, l'm scared.
74
00:05:04,313 --> 00:05:06,986
Don't worry, honey. She doesn't know
that Daddy's upstairs.
75
00:05:07,193 --> 00:05:09,104
He's our secret weapon.
76
00:05:09,633 --> 00:05:12,511
Yeah, if he leaves
the bathroom door open.
77
00:05:13,433 --> 00:05:14,752
Yoo-hoo.
78
00:05:16,393 --> 00:05:18,623
What are you doing?
l told you to wait in the car.
79
00:05:18,833 --> 00:05:20,186
Thought you might need help...
80
00:05:20,393 --> 00:05:22,543
...carrying that picnic lunch
your friends made.
81
00:05:22,753 --> 00:05:26,143
Howdy, l'm Lonnie.
l'm Starla's boyfriend.
82
00:05:26,553 --> 00:05:29,192
Starla, where did you get that gun?
83
00:05:29,393 --> 00:05:31,429
Wake up, Jethro.
84
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,301
She's escaped from prison.
85
00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:39,985
She didn't escape.
l was right there, picking her up.
86
00:05:40,193 --> 00:05:43,629
They let her out that special
drainpipe exit in the woods.
87
00:05:44,353 --> 00:05:47,072
So the media wouldn't harass her.
88
00:05:47,913 --> 00:05:49,551
Mom...
89
00:05:49,993 --> 00:05:53,065
...l can't believe she dumped me
for this guy.
90
00:05:53,393 --> 00:05:54,951
He's a total moron.
91
00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:07,462
Now, we're gonna need a getaway car.
We are taking the Porsche.
92
00:06:07,673 --> 00:06:10,062
No, not the Porsche.
93
00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:11,467
Give Lonnie the keys.
94
00:06:20,353 --> 00:06:21,911
Thank you.
95
00:06:22,113 --> 00:06:23,831
l'm Kelly.
96
00:06:24,713 --> 00:06:27,273
The garage is through that door.
97
00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:38,705
Now, we're gonna need some food
for the road.
98
00:06:38,913 --> 00:06:40,426
You.
99
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,749
Go cook us something.
100
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,903
You animal.
101
00:06:48,993 --> 00:06:51,109
Don't think about
trying to poison us either.
102
00:06:51,313 --> 00:06:53,747
Yeah, she doesn't have
to think about it...
103
00:06:53,953 --> 00:06:55,750
...it just sort of happens.
104
00:06:56,313 --> 00:06:58,827
All right. lt's okay, Mom,
that's okay, it's okay.
105
00:07:03,393 --> 00:07:06,066
Now, l may not be
the best mechanic in town...
106
00:07:06,273 --> 00:07:08,867
...but l'm pretty sure
that's not a Porsche.
107
00:07:10,913 --> 00:07:13,188
May not even be a car.
108
00:07:14,513 --> 00:07:16,629
He's so smart.
109
00:07:19,153 --> 00:07:21,986
lt's Jefferson. ls anyone home?
110
00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:23,262
That's our neighbour.
111
00:07:23,473 --> 00:07:26,545
You better surrender now
because he used to be with the ClA...
112
00:07:26,753 --> 00:07:28,471
...and he is a trained killer.
113
00:07:39,273 --> 00:07:42,663
Sorry to just " barge" in.
114
00:07:44,393 --> 00:07:46,429
Oh, Marcy and l had to show you
our costumes.
115
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,705
We're going
on a charity masquerade cruise.
116
00:07:52,273 --> 00:07:55,185
Little Bo Peep
has lost her sheep and-
117
00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:58,590
Oh, sorry, l didn't know
you had company.
118
00:07:58,793 --> 00:08:01,944
Wow, are you guys going
on the cruise too?
119
00:08:02,153 --> 00:08:05,145
What great costumes.
Wait, let me guess.
120
00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:08,590
Grease monkey and...
121
00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:11,546
...psychotic trailer trash, right?
122
00:08:13,113 --> 00:08:15,468
-Marcy-
-Oh, l love your props.
123
00:08:15,673 --> 00:08:17,948
They're so lifelike.
124
00:08:19,473 --> 00:08:21,429
Eat lead, street scum.
125
00:08:21,633 --> 00:08:24,386
-Shoot her.
-Shoot her.
126
00:08:24,593 --> 00:08:26,982
Bang, bang, you're dead.
127
00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:29,065
This is such fun. There you go.
128
00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:31,025
Don't give her the gun.
129
00:08:31,233 --> 00:08:34,623
No, fun is busting a cap
in Little Bo Peep's ass.
130
00:08:36,153 --> 00:08:38,462
Marcy, this is Starla.
131
00:08:38,673 --> 00:08:41,267
She's broken out of prison,
and she's here to rob us.
132
00:08:41,473 --> 00:08:43,065
Of what?
133
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:46,070
Everybody in the corner.
134
00:08:46,273 --> 00:08:48,070
Jefferson, do something.
135
00:08:48,273 --> 00:08:49,786
Okay.
136
00:08:51,353 --> 00:08:53,742
Exactly which corner would you like?
Right.
137
00:08:53,953 --> 00:08:55,625
Everybody, shut up, l gotta think.
138
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:58,950
Yeah, Starla really surprised me
with this whole thing.
139
00:08:59,153 --> 00:09:02,304
l didn't even have time
to learn how to speak Canadian.
140
00:09:03,513 --> 00:09:05,026
Yeah, l know what you mean.
141
00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:08,703
l always wanted to go to Australia,
but l don't speak a word of Australian.
142
00:09:08,913 --> 00:09:12,349
Oh, except for " koala."
143
00:09:14,393 --> 00:09:16,463
l love koalas.
144
00:09:16,673 --> 00:09:18,903
l got one tattooed on my...
145
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:23,424
Starla doesn't like it.
She says it makes me look cheap.
146
00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:25,351
What are you doing
with her anyway?
147
00:09:25,553 --> 00:09:28,147
l mean, don't you think
she's kind of trampy?
148
00:09:28,353 --> 00:09:30,708
Well, that's my type.
149
00:09:30,913 --> 00:09:34,701
Besides, Starla said it'd be real hard
for me to find another girlfriend...
150
00:09:34,913 --> 00:09:36,392
...on account of how ugly l am.
151
00:09:38,513 --> 00:09:39,468
Get away from her.
152
00:09:39,673 --> 00:09:41,584
She's very moody.
153
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:45,182
We have got to get
the gun away from her.
154
00:09:45,393 --> 00:09:48,703
Now, we need someone big
and strong and expendable.
155
00:09:48,913 --> 00:09:50,744
Where is your father?
156
00:09:50,953 --> 00:09:53,706
Hey, you told me
your father was dead.
157
00:09:53,913 --> 00:09:55,426
That's right, he died.
158
00:09:59,753 --> 00:10:02,426
Before he could fix the plumbing.
159
00:10:02,633 --> 00:10:05,022
Old Charles Bronson had a gun
160
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:07,667
Eee-eye-eee-eye-oh
161
00:10:08,033 --> 00:10:10,467
With this gun he killed some scum
162
00:10:10,673 --> 00:10:11,628
Eee-eye-eee-eye-
163
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,107
Oh.
164
00:10:14,753 --> 00:10:17,062
You're from the cable company,
aren't you?
165
00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:20,788
Al, she's not from
the cable company.
166
00:10:20,993 --> 00:10:23,791
She's Bud's pen pal,
and she's come here to rob us.
167
00:10:23,993 --> 00:10:27,542
You see, that's why we don't allow you
to have friends, Bud.
168
00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:33,472
Now, listen, you're obviously
disappointed in Bud. We are too.
169
00:10:33,753 --> 00:10:36,313
But, you see,
l already paid for this movie...
170
00:10:36,513 --> 00:10:41,507
...and l had to buy a 200-ounce
bladder buster to get these here.
171
00:10:41,713 --> 00:10:43,590
So why don't you just go-
172
00:10:43,793 --> 00:10:46,671
Oh, my God.
173
00:10:46,873 --> 00:10:49,182
My baby.
174
00:10:57,073 --> 00:11:00,622
Oh, why, why, why?
175
00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:05,593
Poor Clicky.
176
00:11:06,313 --> 00:11:11,307
So young and so many
channels left to change.
177
00:11:11,513 --> 00:11:15,392
Oh, yeah, big, tough broad picking on
a helpless little remote, aren't you?
178
00:11:16,193 --> 00:11:18,343
Wouldn't be tough without that gun,
would you?
179
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,828
No, you idiot, that's why l've got it.
180
00:11:21,393 --> 00:11:22,746
Kind of what l said, isn't it?
181
00:11:26,993 --> 00:11:29,985
Oh, Al, l'm afraid. Hold me.
182
00:11:30,193 --> 00:11:31,865
Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here...
183
00:11:32,073 --> 00:11:34,871
...it's important l maintain
my will to live.
184
00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:39,468
Okay, Dad...
185
00:11:39,673 --> 00:11:42,745
...we've got to come up with a plan.
What would Charles Bronson do?
186
00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,830
Well, he'd usually
go on a revenge spree...
187
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:47,672
...after his loved ones
were brutally slaughtered.
188
00:11:48,393 --> 00:11:50,861
-Think of something else.
-All right.
189
00:11:51,073 --> 00:11:52,665
All right, l've come up with a plan.
190
00:11:52,873 --> 00:11:55,262
lt's dangerous and risky,
l'll need a volunteer.
191
00:11:55,473 --> 00:11:56,906
-Croquet injury.
-Stubbed my toe.
192
00:11:57,113 --> 00:11:58,228
Thanks a lot.
193
00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,469
Lucky. Lucky, here, boy.
194
00:12:00,673 --> 00:12:02,903
Go get the cops, go get the cops.
195
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,671
Good boy.
196
00:12:05,393 --> 00:12:08,510
What a good dog.
Loyal, strong and brave.
197
00:12:13,113 --> 00:12:15,502
We may need an alternate plan.
198
00:12:15,713 --> 00:12:16,748
l've got another idea.
199
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:22,585
Are you going to command a squadron
of flies from your hamper to attack?
200
00:12:23,153 --> 00:12:27,351
lf l could command those flies,
do you think you'd still be alive?
201
00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:31,227
Al, please do something.
202
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:32,752
l'm about to, Peg.
203
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,706
l'm toting around 200 ounces
of Mr. Pibb.
204
00:12:37,113 --> 00:12:38,910
Hey, girlie...
205
00:12:40,033 --> 00:12:41,671
...mind if l hit the can?
206
00:12:41,873 --> 00:12:44,262
All right. Lonnie, go with him.
207
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:47,033
Lonnie, where the hell are you?
208
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,144
Still looking for that Porsche.
209
00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:53,625
Were you back there with Lonnie?
210
00:12:53,833 --> 00:12:56,063
Kelly, are you crazy?
211
00:12:56,273 --> 00:12:58,662
You guys, we were just talking.
212
00:12:59,673 --> 00:13:01,789
We happen to have a lot in common.
213
00:13:01,993 --> 00:13:05,781
We both hate green eggs and ham,
but we think the book is pretty funny.
214
00:13:07,073 --> 00:13:08,108
Now, remember...
215
00:13:08,313 --> 00:13:14,149
...no matter how she threatens us,
do not tell her about the Mercedes.
216
00:13:14,353 --> 00:13:16,344
Hey, what are you whispering about?
217
00:13:16,553 --> 00:13:19,306
We have a Mercedes next door.
Take it, here are the keys.
218
00:13:19,513 --> 00:13:22,107
No, l won't let you.
219
00:13:27,793 --> 00:13:29,351
-Give me the keys.
-No, Starla.
220
00:13:29,553 --> 00:13:32,465
You know, it's not too late
to turn your life around.
221
00:13:32,673 --> 00:13:36,712
So you were gonna blow away
the Bundys. What's that, a $10 fine?
222
00:13:36,953 --> 00:13:38,944
But grand theft auto...
223
00:13:39,153 --> 00:13:40,552
...you're better than that.
224
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:44,189
lnside you is a confused,
misunderstood person...
225
00:13:44,393 --> 00:13:48,432
...who doesn't need a Mercedes,
just a second chance.
226
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:51,670
Yeah, l'll think that over
when l'm ditching your car in a lake.
227
00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:53,989
l hope you fry!
228
00:13:54,913 --> 00:13:56,949
There's not enough voltage
in lllinois...
229
00:13:57,153 --> 00:14:00,589
...and l'm gonna shave your head
when they strap you to the hot-
230
00:14:02,113 --> 00:14:05,230
Now, everybody,
down on the floor, now!
231
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:09,947
Do you know how long it's been
since these floors were washed?
232
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,429
Come on, Lonnie,
we gotta make a break for it.
233
00:14:15,153 --> 00:14:16,108
What's going on?
234
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:19,862
" Cotton balls" over there handed
over the keys to their Mercedes.
235
00:14:21,073 --> 00:14:22,870
They're wool.
236
00:14:25,313 --> 00:14:27,065
Mercedes.
237
00:14:27,273 --> 00:14:28,501
That's a good idea.
238
00:14:28,713 --> 00:14:30,669
May l suggest you take a hostage
with you?
239
00:14:30,873 --> 00:14:32,989
Perhaps the registered owner
of the car.
240
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,585
That would be her.
241
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:43,271
Before you go, one thing.
Did you and the girls ever pass time...
242
00:14:43,473 --> 00:14:45,862
...by spanking each other
with licence plates?
243
00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:51,106
Oh, l'm really gonna miss you.
244
00:14:55,913 --> 00:14:59,622
l said cops, not crops.
245
00:15:02,273 --> 00:15:06,061
ls it me, or is that dog really stupid?
246
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:10,986
Yeah, but, you know,
he's kind of cute.
247
00:15:18,593 --> 00:15:19,867
We're out of here.
248
00:15:20,073 --> 00:15:23,748
-Al, has the movie started?
-Hit the floor, butt head!
249
00:15:27,673 --> 00:15:31,029
Oh, man, l missed the beginning.
250
00:15:31,633 --> 00:15:33,271
Damn.
251
00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:38,991
This 3-D is incredible.
252
00:15:39,193 --> 00:15:42,185
Take off the glasses, Griff.
253
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:46,742
Sorry, wrong house.
254
00:15:46,953 --> 00:15:49,786
That Negro family,
where do they live? Next door?
255
00:15:50,553 --> 00:15:52,430
Sit down and shut up.
256
00:16:02,793 --> 00:16:06,149
Didn't you see the " Help" sign
l hung out of the bathroom window?
257
00:16:06,353 --> 00:16:10,028
Al, you've been hanging " Help" signs
ever since l've known you.
258
00:16:11,393 --> 00:16:13,304
l'm not really good
at writing letters...
259
00:16:13,513 --> 00:16:16,505
...especially the capital ones...
260
00:16:16,713 --> 00:16:19,625
-...but for you, l'll do anything-
-Lonnie, move your ass!
261
00:16:19,833 --> 00:16:22,472
l will see you losers in hell.
262
00:16:22,993 --> 00:16:27,384
Super-premium unleaded only,
please.
263
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:31,623
Jefferson, l feel so violated.
264
00:16:32,673 --> 00:16:33,662
Me too.
265
00:16:48,273 --> 00:16:51,504
-ls everybody okay?
-Yeah, l-
266
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:53,112
Then get out.
267
00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:02,467
All right, get down and shut up.
Oh, this sucks.
268
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:05,665
The minute l set foot in this dump,
my life went straight to hell.
269
00:17:05,873 --> 00:17:07,829
So did mine.
270
00:17:12,153 --> 00:17:13,188
Hello?
271
00:17:13,393 --> 00:17:15,304
lt's the police.
272
00:17:15,513 --> 00:17:18,471
Yeah, Starla's here,
but she's busy holding us hostage...
273
00:17:18,673 --> 00:17:20,789
...but can l take a message?
274
00:17:21,513 --> 00:17:23,788
-Just give me the phone.
-What?
275
00:17:23,993 --> 00:17:26,223
Hello? This is Bud Bundy.
276
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:28,424
Yeah, the guy with the dolls.
277
00:17:32,473 --> 00:17:34,225
Now, listen up, pigs.
278
00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:38,028
l want a car to the airport,
l want a plane to Brazil...
279
00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:40,872
...and $50,000 cash.
280
00:17:41,073 --> 00:17:43,906
l demand the same thing.
281
00:17:50,633 --> 00:17:53,227
And l need more Mountain Dew.
282
00:17:57,153 --> 00:17:59,951
Oh, Lord, l've never been in trouble
with the police before.
283
00:18:00,153 --> 00:18:01,142
Yeah, me neither.
284
00:18:01,353 --> 00:18:04,982
Well, except for graduation night
at the academy.
285
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,906
Kelly, there's something
l've been meaning to tell you...
286
00:18:09,113 --> 00:18:11,104
...for several minutes.
287
00:18:12,353 --> 00:18:13,786
You make me feel all funny...
288
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:17,144
...like my insides turned into
whipped cream.
289
00:18:17,993 --> 00:18:21,872
Well, when l look at you, my-
My legs turn to Jell-O.
290
00:18:22,073 --> 00:18:25,270
You know, whipped cream and Jell-O,
they go real good together.
291
00:18:25,473 --> 00:18:28,192
Oh, you're making me hungry.
292
00:18:28,993 --> 00:18:30,949
Come out with your hands up.
293
00:18:31,713 --> 00:18:34,705
Well, that's it.
l am gonna start offing people.
294
00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:38,349
Then you're gonna have to off me first,
Starla, because we're finished.
295
00:18:38,553 --> 00:18:40,191
l don't want a life of crime.
296
00:18:40,393 --> 00:18:42,349
But you want a life of trash?
297
00:18:42,553 --> 00:18:46,671
lf that trash's name is Kelly Bundy,
then yes, ma'am, l do.
298
00:18:51,313 --> 00:18:53,668
l love you, Kelly.
299
00:18:56,913 --> 00:18:58,983
You happy now, Peg?
300
00:18:59,193 --> 00:19:03,072
You drove both our children
into the arms of criminals.
301
00:19:03,473 --> 00:19:07,261
Well, l just wanted them
to do better than l did.
302
00:19:08,073 --> 00:19:09,392
Lonnie...
303
00:19:09,593 --> 00:19:12,471
...l don't usually say this
fully clothed...
304
00:19:12,673 --> 00:19:14,709
...but l love you too.
305
00:19:15,793 --> 00:19:18,068
Oh, well, thank you very much,
blondie.
306
00:19:18,273 --> 00:19:21,629
You made it real easy for me
to decide who's getting it first.
307
00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:22,868
Starla, no!
308
00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:36,589
Al's been hit.
309
00:19:36,793 --> 00:19:38,146
Al, say something.
310
00:19:38,353 --> 00:19:39,422
Get out of the way.
311
00:19:39,633 --> 00:19:40,952
l know CPR.
312
00:19:41,153 --> 00:19:43,383
l'm fine.
313
00:19:44,553 --> 00:19:46,191
l'm fine.
314
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:48,588
Oh, Al, we thought you were shot.
315
00:19:48,793 --> 00:19:51,148
Well, l was, Peg.
316
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:55,984
l think my little lucky shoehorn
must have had a little luck left.
317
00:20:00,193 --> 00:20:01,706
All right, we're here.
318
00:20:01,913 --> 00:20:06,748
Sir, please dismount the suspect.
319
00:20:09,193 --> 00:20:10,512
Sir!
320
00:20:10,913 --> 00:20:13,746
-All right.
-Get off!
321
00:20:13,993 --> 00:20:15,506
You saved my life.
322
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:17,749
Move, Dad!
323
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:20,712
Hey, Kelly, who's gonna have...
324
00:20:20,913 --> 00:20:23,950
...the imprint of a shoehorn
in his chest the rest of his life?
325
00:20:24,153 --> 00:20:27,543
Daddy, this is no time for riddles,
okay?
326
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:29,506
Lonnie almost died.
327
00:20:29,713 --> 00:20:30,748
Let's go, dirtbags.
328
00:20:30,953 --> 00:20:31,942
Wait, wait.
329
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:34,863
Can we still be pen pals?
330
00:20:35,273 --> 00:20:36,831
Oh, what the hell.
331
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:39,183
Write to me in care of the hole.
332
00:20:39,393 --> 00:20:41,065
Wait, wait!
333
00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:45,152
Kelly, this is not how l dreamt
of this moment.
334
00:20:45,793 --> 00:20:48,990
But neither could l have dreamt
of meeting someone as beautiful...
335
00:20:49,193 --> 00:20:52,265
...and perfect and smart as you.
336
00:20:52,673 --> 00:20:54,311
Kelly Bundy...
337
00:20:54,513 --> 00:20:55,741
...will you marry me?
338
00:20:57,553 --> 00:20:59,509
l thought you'd never ask.
339
00:21:02,313 --> 00:21:04,588
-l'll wait for you.
-l will too, my darling.
340
00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:09,224
No matter whose wife l am in prison,
l'll always be your husband.
341
00:21:16,073 --> 00:21:19,588
That is the sweetest thing
l've ever heard.
342
00:21:19,793 --> 00:21:22,751
Oh, Al, our little girl's
getting married.
343
00:21:22,993 --> 00:21:25,951
lsn't life wonderful?
344
00:21:26,473 --> 00:21:28,543
Damn you.1
00:00:03,424 --> 00:00:08,452
Dear Starla,
how are things in solitary?
2
00:00:09,784 --> 00:00:13,572
Is it true that they throw you
in the hole nak ed?
3
00:00:15,344 --> 00:00:19,257
Anxiously awaiting your reply, Bud.
4
00:00:20,064 --> 00:00:23,340
Daddy, l love Lonnie.
And l'll die if l can't have him.
5
00:00:23,544 --> 00:00:27,059
Suit yourself.
A funeral's cheaper than a wedding.
6
00:00:27,264 --> 00:00:30,859
Dad, don't worry. Kelly can't wait
for Lonnie to get out of prison.
7
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:34,500
l mean, she cheats on a guy
if he takes too long in the bathroom.
8
00:00:35,784 --> 00:00:36,739
Good point, son.
9
00:00:36,944 --> 00:00:40,220
Besides, he's a vicious criminal.
They probably locked him up for life.
10
00:00:40,424 --> 00:00:42,460
They turned me loose.
11
00:00:42,664 --> 00:00:45,815
They said the prison
was too overcrowded.
12
00:00:46,024 --> 00:00:49,653
God forbid prisoners don't
have enough legroom.
13
00:00:49,864 --> 00:00:53,220
Oh, look how much he loves her.
14
00:00:53,424 --> 00:00:54,903
The man just got out of prison.
15
00:00:55,104 --> 00:00:57,857
He'd be happy kissing anything
without stubble.
16
00:00:58,064 --> 00:01:02,137
Sir, l have come to ask
for your daughter's hand.
17
00:01:02,344 --> 00:01:03,618
ls that all?
18
00:01:03,824 --> 00:01:08,056
Yeah, why stop there?
No one else does.
19
00:01:08,264 --> 00:01:12,940
Sir, l may not be the smartest man
in the world or the most successful...
20
00:01:13,144 --> 00:01:16,420
...but l love your daughter
and l would give my life for her.
21
00:01:16,624 --> 00:01:17,613
Deal.
22
00:01:17,824 --> 00:01:21,055
Dad, what are you doing?
Get your hands-!
23
00:01:23,024 --> 00:01:24,776
He tried to strangle me.
24
00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:28,533
Well, that's just how
we show affection.
25
00:01:34,504 --> 00:01:35,459
Hey, Mom.
26
00:01:35,864 --> 00:01:38,139
Do you see that shade of blue
that Dad's turning?
27
00:01:38,344 --> 00:01:41,700
Don't you think that would be a good
colour for the bridesmaids' dresses?
28
00:01:42,384 --> 00:01:45,581
Actually, l was thinking
a little more purple-y.
29
00:01:46,304 --> 00:01:48,295
There, that's it.
30
00:01:51,384 --> 00:01:53,978
Oh, speaking of the wedding,
l almost forgot.
31
00:01:54,184 --> 00:01:57,813
Kelly, this is for you.
32
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:04,174
That is the biggest cubic zirconia
l've ever seen.
33
00:02:04,384 --> 00:02:07,421
Genuine cubic zirconia? Oh, Lonnie.
34
00:02:07,624 --> 00:02:09,580
Oh, my God.
35
00:02:14,264 --> 00:02:17,222
You stole my daughter
an engagement ring...
36
00:02:17,424 --> 00:02:20,143
...and it's not even a real diamond?
37
00:02:22,384 --> 00:02:23,737
Sir, l love Kelly very much...
38
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,254
...and l promise you, she'll be
very happy as Mrs. Lonnie Tot.
39
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:34,020
Wait a second.
Did you say your name was Tot?
40
00:02:34,224 --> 00:02:36,260
l don't know. Did l?
41
00:02:37,544 --> 00:02:41,457
Tot, as in the Tots,
owner of Tot lndustries...
42
00:02:41,664 --> 00:02:44,974
...maker of Weenie Tots,
nature's most perfect food?
43
00:02:46,344 --> 00:02:47,572
Yeah, that's us.
44
00:02:47,784 --> 00:02:52,574
Al, Al. This ring is real.
45
00:02:53,144 --> 00:02:56,022
-Son!
-Dad!
46
00:03:33,544 --> 00:03:37,173
Or perhaps you would prefer
our platinum elite account?
47
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,182
Now, that requires
$100,000 minimum balance...
48
00:03:40,384 --> 00:03:44,775
...but you get free cheques
and a SaladShooter.
49
00:03:45,624 --> 00:03:48,536
-l love you.
-l love you.
50
00:03:48,744 --> 00:03:52,578
-l love you.
-l love you.
51
00:03:53,864 --> 00:03:55,582
l love you both.
52
00:03:56,584 --> 00:04:00,133
Kelly. Kelly.
53
00:04:00,344 --> 00:04:02,141
Kelly.
54
00:04:04,024 --> 00:04:05,093
Hey, isn't that Big Bird?
55
00:04:05,304 --> 00:04:06,896
-Where?
-Where?
56
00:04:07,544 --> 00:04:09,057
You missed him.
57
00:04:09,264 --> 00:04:12,142
Now, Kelly, honey,
on this very special occasion...
58
00:04:12,344 --> 00:04:17,054
...l want you to wear the dress that
l wore on the happiest day of my life.
59
00:04:17,264 --> 00:04:20,256
Unfortunately,
the football team kept it.
60
00:04:20,984 --> 00:04:25,057
But l do have my wedding dress.
61
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:28,574
And it is very nice too.
62
00:04:28,784 --> 00:04:30,661
Gee, Mom, it's...
63
00:04:31,224 --> 00:04:32,179
What is it?
64
00:04:32,384 --> 00:04:37,094
Genuine snow leopard.
lsn't it stunning?
65
00:04:39,544 --> 00:04:42,263
Peggy, as the wedding coordinator...
66
00:04:42,464 --> 00:04:46,742
...may l suggest
something a little less whorish?
67
00:04:48,504 --> 00:04:49,539
Oh, come on, Kelly.
68
00:04:49,744 --> 00:04:51,700
We better go colour
our wedding invitations.
69
00:04:51,904 --> 00:04:53,815
-Dibs on magenta!
-Dibs on magenta!
70
00:04:56,464 --> 00:05:00,218
My God.
Their children will be rutabagas.
71
00:05:00,424 --> 00:05:04,576
Yeah, it's possible.
Root vegetables run in my family.
72
00:05:04,784 --> 00:05:06,263
Now, about the wedding dinner.
73
00:05:06,464 --> 00:05:11,333
l was thinking an open bar,
hors d'oeuvres and six courses.
74
00:05:11,544 --> 00:05:16,459
Yeah, well, Al was thinking
a cash bar and a cover charge.
75
00:05:17,504 --> 00:05:20,337
Well, that's what we're planning
for his funeral.
76
00:05:27,944 --> 00:05:29,582
Thanks.
77
00:05:29,784 --> 00:05:34,574
l can't believe how cheap they are.
They got me a bowl with holes in it.
78
00:05:35,704 --> 00:05:39,299
Honey, don't be silly.
That's not a bowl.
79
00:05:39,504 --> 00:05:41,142
lt's a hat.
80
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,340
Oh, okay.
81
00:05:45,224 --> 00:05:48,341
Yeah! Thanks.
82
00:05:48,544 --> 00:05:51,820
Kelly,
you really shouldn't be wearing that.
83
00:05:52,384 --> 00:05:54,852
Oh, yeah, right. Bad luck, huh?
84
00:05:56,304 --> 00:06:00,217
Anyway, you know, it's so nice
of you guys to give me this shower...
85
00:06:00,424 --> 00:06:02,733
...and l wanna give something to you.
86
00:06:02,984 --> 00:06:06,943
My little black book.
87
00:06:14,784 --> 00:06:20,256
Johnny Parker, David Petrocelli,
Max Pullman.
88
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:22,819
Hey, that name sounds familiar.
89
00:06:23,024 --> 00:06:24,821
That's your father.
90
00:06:27,864 --> 00:06:30,856
And Mr. Owens,
our chemistry teacher?
91
00:06:31,064 --> 00:06:34,340
Yeah, well, l passed, didn't l?
92
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:41,180
l love Lonnie so much that
it's worth giving up all those guys.
93
00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:43,939
Even page 41.
94
00:06:46,504 --> 00:06:50,543
You know, honey, l never wanted
another man after l met your father.
95
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:54,453
Every time he would look at me,
l'd get butterflies in my stomach.
96
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,416
Well, does that still happen?
97
00:06:56,624 --> 00:07:00,663
Well, now it's more like a churning.
98
00:07:01,184 --> 00:07:03,573
But at least
something's going on down there.
99
00:07:03,784 --> 00:07:05,661
You guys are still in love, aren't you?
100
00:07:05,864 --> 00:07:07,297
Absolutely.
101
00:07:07,504 --> 00:07:11,179
You know, after 25 years,
we may not be as lovey-dovey...
102
00:07:11,384 --> 00:07:13,295
...but at least two times a year...
103
00:07:13,504 --> 00:07:17,941
...your father makes me feel
like a teenager all over again.
104
00:07:18,144 --> 00:07:20,612
That's because he has no money
and a bad car.
105
00:07:22,424 --> 00:07:25,496
True, but he's still
my Prince Charming.
106
00:07:28,024 --> 00:07:30,413
Behold the power of Beercules.
107
00:07:38,304 --> 00:07:41,216
Damn, you've blown
a lot of dough, Al.
108
00:07:41,424 --> 00:07:45,861
l've never seen you buy a drink,
even for yourself.
109
00:07:46,584 --> 00:07:49,542
Well, when you're part of one
of America's wealthiest families...
110
00:07:49,744 --> 00:07:52,178
...it's your responsibility
to show a little class.
111
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:55,535
Hey, Cheez Doodles for everyone,
the puffy kind.
112
00:07:57,024 --> 00:07:59,060
No one listens, just like at home.
113
00:08:00,464 --> 00:08:02,694
Some guy must have
more money than you.
114
00:08:02,904 --> 00:08:06,055
Who'd have more money
than a Tot-in-law?
115
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:11,094
A Tot in heat.
116
00:08:12,864 --> 00:08:15,424
Hey. What are you doing here?
117
00:08:15,624 --> 00:08:18,775
Dad, l'm here every Friday night.
l can't believe l've never seen you.
118
00:08:19,024 --> 00:08:22,300
Oh, well, Friday is full-price night.
119
00:08:23,264 --> 00:08:26,176
But l'm surprised at you,
a soon-to-be-married man.
120
00:08:26,384 --> 00:08:28,944
Well, you're here, Dad,
and you've been married, what...
121
00:08:29,144 --> 00:08:30,941
...50, 60 years?
122
00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:33,423
At least.
123
00:08:33,624 --> 00:08:35,933
Yeah, but that's my whole point.
l've earned it.
124
00:08:36,144 --> 00:08:38,339
See, your future wife
deserves more respect.
125
00:08:38,544 --> 00:08:39,772
Well, what about your wife?
126
00:08:39,984 --> 00:08:44,614
That's different. My wife is my wife,
and your wife is my daughter.
127
00:08:44,824 --> 00:08:46,496
Get out.
Don't let me catch you again.
128
00:08:46,704 --> 00:08:50,743
-But l already paid for a lap dance.
-Don't worry, l'll put it to good use.
129
00:08:57,384 --> 00:09:00,854
The sacrifices l make for this family.
130
00:09:04,704 --> 00:09:09,016
Oh, Al, we got a welcome-to-the-family
present from the Tots.
131
00:09:09,224 --> 00:09:12,660
Remind me to send them
a go-to-hell thank-you card.
132
00:09:13,024 --> 00:09:14,901
There will be no wedding, Peg.
133
00:09:15,104 --> 00:09:19,700
l saw our former future son-in-law
tonight at the nudie bar.
134
00:09:19,904 --> 00:09:21,462
He's a dog, Peg.
135
00:09:21,664 --> 00:09:25,339
Al, you go to the nudie bar all the
time and you don't cheat on me.
136
00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:28,854
That's right, because l show
the nudie bar its due respect.
137
00:09:29,064 --> 00:09:33,535
A man looks, drools, dreams,
but does not cheat.
138
00:09:33,984 --> 00:09:36,293
Technically,
they're not even married yet.
139
00:09:36,504 --> 00:09:39,098
They're engaged,
and that's the same thing.
140
00:09:39,424 --> 00:09:44,418
An engagement ring is circular.
lt means "out of circulation."
141
00:09:46,344 --> 00:09:49,017
Well, it's all hooked up.
142
00:09:49,224 --> 00:09:51,738
Dad, did you see our gift
that our new in-laws sent us?
143
00:09:51,944 --> 00:09:54,139
They're not going to be our in-laws.
144
00:09:54,784 --> 00:09:56,900
You lie.
145
00:09:57,104 --> 00:10:00,699
Your father thinks
that Lonnie's cheating on Kelly.
146
00:10:01,624 --> 00:10:03,774
Mom, Dad...
147
00:10:03,984 --> 00:10:08,341
...there's a rumour floating around town
that Kelly herself is no longer a virgin.
148
00:10:08,544 --> 00:10:11,695
A rumour that's been
a-floating since '79.
149
00:10:12,624 --> 00:10:16,458
l know that Kelly has sown
a few wild oats...
150
00:10:16,664 --> 00:10:19,337
...among God knows
what other things.
151
00:10:19,544 --> 00:10:21,853
But l cannot knowingly allow
my pumpkin...
152
00:10:22,064 --> 00:10:24,453
...to marry a rogue and a scoundrel.
153
00:10:24,664 --> 00:10:30,694
He's not, Dad. He can't be.
He's a Tot. Tots are good people.
154
00:10:30,904 --> 00:10:36,501
Would bad people send us
a gift like this?
155
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:38,298
What is it?
156
00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:41,701
lt's a big-screen projector, Dad.
157
00:10:41,904 --> 00:10:47,774
lsn't that worth the small sacrifice
that we laughingly call Kelly?
158
00:10:47,984 --> 00:10:49,576
No, Bud, your dad's right.
159
00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:55,893
We can't sacrifice our only daughter's
happiness, even for a big-screen TV.
160
00:10:56,104 --> 00:10:59,540
Exactly. How big?
161
00:11:00,584 --> 00:11:02,779
lt's 10 feet wide, Dad.
162
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,416
Ten feet?
163
00:11:06,064 --> 00:11:08,703
And they sent over
a LaserDisc player too...
164
00:11:08,904 --> 00:11:12,340
...with a movie, Dad,
a John Wayne movie.
165
00:11:13,064 --> 00:11:14,702
The Duke?
166
00:11:15,984 --> 00:11:20,057
Well, l'm sorry. They're just
going to have to send it back.
167
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,334
Let's not lose our heads here, Dad.
168
00:11:23,544 --> 00:11:26,058
Now, do you have any proof
of your accusations?
169
00:11:26,264 --> 00:11:27,982
Well, no.
170
00:11:28,184 --> 00:11:32,541
Shame, Dad. Shame, shame, shame.
171
00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:35,022
You know, Bud's right, Al.
172
00:11:35,224 --> 00:11:38,455
Well, l'm not sure.
173
00:11:39,264 --> 00:11:41,539
Let's just ask the Duke.
174
00:11:47,944 --> 00:11:50,014
My Lord in heaven.
175
00:11:50,224 --> 00:11:51,862
Oh, l've seen this one.
176
00:11:52,064 --> 00:11:56,501
This is where the Duke kills a bunch of
lndians who are really asking for it.
177
00:11:57,864 --> 00:11:59,616
Hello, family.
178
00:11:59,824 --> 00:12:00,939
Look who's here.
179
00:12:01,144 --> 00:12:04,216
Kelly, l think Dad has something
he'd like to say to you.
180
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:07,780
-What is it, Daddy?
-Kelly...
181
00:12:13,064 --> 00:12:15,259
Kelly, go to your room.
182
00:12:15,464 --> 00:12:19,093
All of you, go to your rooms.
183
00:12:26,664 --> 00:12:29,053
Friend of the bride.
184
00:12:31,944 --> 00:12:35,539
Friend of the bride.
l think you know where to sit.
185
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:43,418
Wedding video,
Kelly's First Marriage.
186
00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:48,614
Un film de Jefferson D'Arcy.
187
00:12:51,464 --> 00:12:55,139
Yes. Luckily, l have my bazoom lens.
188
00:13:01,464 --> 00:13:04,854
There's the villain of our little story.
189
00:13:07,224 --> 00:13:09,499
Al, l don't see
any of my relatives here.
190
00:13:09,704 --> 00:13:13,140
-Didn't you send out the invitations?
-Well, of course l did, pookie.
191
00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:17,455
Hey, hey,
what do you got there, boy?
192
00:13:20,064 --> 00:13:22,897
Al, Peggy,
l'd like you to meet the Tots.
193
00:13:23,104 --> 00:13:24,457
l've just been telling them...
194
00:13:24,664 --> 00:13:29,215
...about the wonderful investment
opportunities at Kyoto National Bank.
195
00:13:29,824 --> 00:13:34,614
There's a line to kiss their ass,
and it starts behind me.
196
00:13:34,824 --> 00:13:39,102
So while you're back there,
why don't you kiss mine too?
197
00:13:40,744 --> 00:13:42,575
Enjoy the wedding.
198
00:13:42,784 --> 00:13:46,060
-Hi. l'm Earl Tot.
-And l'm Pearl Tot.
199
00:13:46,264 --> 00:13:48,095
And l'm Al Bundy.
200
00:13:48,304 --> 00:13:51,102
-Who's this pretty little creature?
-Where?
201
00:13:52,544 --> 00:13:54,899
This creature. Well, this here's Peg.
202
00:13:55,624 --> 00:13:57,376
You have such a lovely home.
203
00:13:57,584 --> 00:14:00,576
lt reminds me of when we started out.
204
00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:06,654
Earl had nothing but 2 pounds of cow
lips, a bucket of nitrates and a dream.
205
00:14:07,104 --> 00:14:11,495
You know, that's funny. Al had all that.
Except for the dream.
206
00:14:11,704 --> 00:14:13,820
And the bucket.
207
00:14:14,624 --> 00:14:18,822
Well, just being here
just brings tears to my eyes.
208
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,219
Al, l told you to close your hamper.
209
00:14:22,984 --> 00:14:25,737
So, Lonnie, tell me again.
What does your sister look like?
210
00:14:25,944 --> 00:14:29,459
Well, kind of like her,
but with bigger waloobies.
211
00:14:30,144 --> 00:14:32,897
l think we may just be related twice.
212
00:14:33,104 --> 00:14:35,459
Oh, Mama, Daddy, this is Bud.
213
00:14:35,664 --> 00:14:39,179
Remember? He's the one l told you
would be perfect for Tatum.
214
00:14:41,064 --> 00:14:42,782
Here's my little sugar bear now.
215
00:14:44,224 --> 00:14:47,102
-Lonnie!
-Tatum!
216
00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:52,743
l thought you said
she had big waloobies.
217
00:14:52,944 --> 00:14:56,903
Oh, she does. ln my family, waloobies
is a pet name for butt cheeks.
218
00:14:58,744 --> 00:15:03,260
You're right, Lonnie. He's a cutie-pie.
219
00:15:07,224 --> 00:15:10,022
Now, don't they make
a darling couple?
220
00:15:10,544 --> 00:15:14,014
She makes a darling couple
all by herself.
221
00:15:15,224 --> 00:15:19,502
Al, if we can get both our kids hitched,
l'd have to make you a partner.
222
00:15:20,064 --> 00:15:24,262
Attention, everyone. l would like to
announce the engagement of my son.
223
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,984
Damn you, Dad.
224
00:15:30,944 --> 00:15:32,935
Come on, people.
We have a wedding to do.
225
00:15:33,144 --> 00:15:34,418
Al, go check on the bride.
226
00:15:34,624 --> 00:15:39,220
And remember, when you walk
down the aisle, try to walk upright.
227
00:15:39,424 --> 00:15:42,063
No problem.
l only double over when l see you.
228
00:15:43,264 --> 00:15:46,893
Oh, Marcy. l have more butterflies now
than l did for my own wedding.
229
00:15:47,544 --> 00:15:50,775
l would have thought you would have
been nauseous for your wedding.
230
00:15:51,264 --> 00:15:54,973
Well, l was that too.
But that was from morning sickness.
231
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:59,373
Hey, Peg, you look great.
Can l take you out now?
232
00:16:00,424 --> 00:16:03,939
Griff, we have a wedding to go to.
233
00:16:05,384 --> 00:16:07,534
But you can call me tomorrow.
234
00:16:08,624 --> 00:16:10,933
l was talking about
taking you to your seat.
235
00:16:13,824 --> 00:16:15,303
Sure.
236
00:16:16,824 --> 00:16:20,260
Now, where is my best man
and my maid of honour?
237
00:16:20,464 --> 00:16:24,139
Oh, God! The horror! The horror!
238
00:16:24,344 --> 00:16:27,973
Come back here
and let me finish that hickey!
239
00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:33,655
She moves a lot faster
since she lost all that weight.
240
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,420
Oh, here. Let me help you with that.
241
00:16:36,624 --> 00:16:40,060
Okay, that's good.
Gee, you look very handsome.
242
00:16:40,264 --> 00:16:43,734
Well, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy.
You look handsome too.
243
00:16:44,744 --> 00:16:47,258
-Pretty.
-Well, thank you again.
244
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,455
You look pretty too.
245
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:51,379
Listen, Lonnie.
246
00:16:51,584 --> 00:16:54,860
l want you to know that l wanna be
more than just your banker.
247
00:16:55,064 --> 00:16:56,292
l wanna be your friend.
248
00:16:56,504 --> 00:16:59,940
So if you ever need or want anything,
l'm available.
249
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,180
Well, that's good,
because l gotta tell you...
250
00:17:02,384 --> 00:17:07,174
...there's something about a little
bony banker that really turns me on.
251
00:17:10,624 --> 00:17:13,775
What are you, crazy?
You're about to get married.
252
00:17:14,264 --> 00:17:18,462
That'll only take about 10 minutes.
What are you doing after?
253
00:17:19,544 --> 00:17:21,500
Not you.
254
00:17:37,464 --> 00:17:40,695
Your sister looks beautiful, Bud.
255
00:17:40,904 --> 00:17:43,896
The white dress is a bit of a stretch.
256
00:17:44,744 --> 00:17:47,258
lt wouldn't be on me.
257
00:17:47,464 --> 00:17:50,183
No, l think it would be.
258
00:17:57,264 --> 00:17:58,413
Dearly beloved...
259
00:17:58,624 --> 00:18:03,061
...we are gathered together to join
this man and woman in holy matrimony.
260
00:18:03,704 --> 00:18:07,777
And if anyone can show just cause
why they may not be joined together...
261
00:18:07,984 --> 00:18:11,101
...let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
262
00:18:12,104 --> 00:18:15,301
Okay, that's it. This wedding's off.
263
00:18:15,984 --> 00:18:21,263
Well, good. l still have time to make
the Edelstein funeral.
264
00:18:21,704 --> 00:18:23,979
Daddy, you're ruining my wedding.
265
00:18:24,184 --> 00:18:27,699
He's ruining your wedding.
How dare you?
266
00:18:27,904 --> 00:18:29,974
How dare he what?
267
00:18:30,184 --> 00:18:34,177
l now have proof that
this no-good idiot jailbird...
268
00:18:34,384 --> 00:18:38,093
...while coming from a fine,
upstanding weenie family...
269
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,375
...is a two-timing snake.
270
00:18:40,584 --> 00:18:41,619
Hear, hear.
271
00:18:41,824 --> 00:18:45,897
What are you yammering about?
Our son has done nothing wrong.
272
00:18:46,104 --> 00:18:51,622
Your boy, madam,
who l like to refer to as Dummard...
273
00:18:52,024 --> 00:18:54,458
...is still hitting on
good-looking women.
274
00:18:54,664 --> 00:18:55,733
Thanks, Al.
275
00:18:55,944 --> 00:18:58,981
And on top of all that, he just
hit on one who looks like a man.
276
00:19:01,184 --> 00:19:06,178
ls that all? Lonnie here is just-
Oh, you know. -fickle.
277
00:19:06,384 --> 00:19:08,454
Sure. Who cares?
278
00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,092
Well, l care.
279
00:19:10,304 --> 00:19:12,659
-You do?
-Yeah.
280
00:19:13,384 --> 00:19:17,377
Well, now that l think about it,
it kind of upset my other wives too.
281
00:19:18,504 --> 00:19:22,861
Your other wives? His other wives?
282
00:19:23,064 --> 00:19:26,101
Yeah, well, l said he was fickle.
All of us Tots are.
283
00:19:26,304 --> 00:19:28,295
l've been married five times myself.
284
00:19:28,504 --> 00:19:30,972
And l got a boyfriend.
285
00:19:34,504 --> 00:19:38,543
So that's the kind of lowlife scum
you people are.
286
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:42,623
No respect for the torturous
sanctity of marriage.
287
00:19:42,824 --> 00:19:44,815
Well, let me tell you something.
288
00:19:45,024 --> 00:19:47,333
We Bundys may have our faults-
289
00:19:47,544 --> 00:19:49,580
-Oh, yeah.
-You said it.
290
00:19:49,784 --> 00:19:52,935
-but we believe that marriage
should be forever.
291
00:19:53,144 --> 00:19:55,533
No matter how pitiful
or disgusting it may be...
292
00:19:55,744 --> 00:19:59,054
...to wake up to the same
horrifying face each day...
293
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:02,176
...that's what the marriage vows
are all about.
294
00:20:02,384 --> 00:20:06,821
And anyone who can't stand
the nagging, bonbon-eating heat...
295
00:20:07,024 --> 00:20:11,336
...should stay out of the
whining, sex-starved kitchen.
296
00:20:12,584 --> 00:20:14,700
You tell them, Al.
297
00:20:15,304 --> 00:20:18,694
Mom, he just called you
fat and whiny.
298
00:20:19,224 --> 00:20:22,375
Well, l just heard the part
about staying out of the kitchen.
299
00:20:23,344 --> 00:20:26,575
Lonnie, we do not have to take this.
We are Tots.
300
00:20:26,784 --> 00:20:31,414
Gee, l'm sorry, Kelly. Are you sure
you don't wanna be a Tot?
301
00:20:31,624 --> 00:20:33,854
You know,
l never thought l'd ever say this...
302
00:20:34,064 --> 00:20:36,624
...but right now,
l'd rather be a Bundy. So:
303
00:20:42,144 --> 00:20:43,133
Thanks, Dad.
304
00:20:43,704 --> 00:20:49,017
There went my last chance
at unlimited wealth. Unless...
305
00:20:51,184 --> 00:20:53,300
l just can't do it.
306
00:20:55,904 --> 00:20:57,462
Are you okay, honey?
307
00:20:57,944 --> 00:21:02,381
Yeah, l guess so.
l mean, l'm gonna miss Lonnie...
308
00:21:02,584 --> 00:21:05,656
...but at least l have something
that'll always remind me of him.
309
00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:08,856
A $10,000 wedding debt?
310
00:21:09,584 --> 00:21:12,781
No, Daddy, that's yours.
311
00:21:13,744 --> 00:21:15,735
l've got this.
312
00:21:15,944 --> 00:21:19,380
And, of course,
my loved ones to console me.
313
00:21:20,144 --> 00:21:21,497
We're here for you, Kel.
314
00:21:21,704 --> 00:21:23,695
Not you.
315
00:21:25,544 --> 00:21:27,182
Them.1
00:00:10,627 --> 00:00:11,696
These aren't bad.
2
00:00:11,907 --> 00:00:13,545
Great. l'll ring them right up.
3
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,305
But l don't love them.
4
00:00:15,507 --> 00:00:18,863
Let's put them in the "maybe" pile.
5
00:00:19,067 --> 00:00:21,297
Ma'am, my back is killing me.
6
00:00:21,507 --> 00:00:24,977
Unfortunately, not fast enough.
7
00:00:25,187 --> 00:00:28,065
l just don't see anything l like.
8
00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:30,383
You ought to be sitting on this stool.
9
00:00:35,307 --> 00:00:38,060
Got more shoes
for our delightful customer.
10
00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:39,416
She's gone.
11
00:00:39,627 --> 00:00:41,697
Picky bitch.
12
00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:47,457
-Are you talking to me?
-No, no, no. l'm talking to him.
13
00:00:47,667 --> 00:00:49,385
Picky bitch.
14
00:00:51,587 --> 00:00:55,023
Well, l see, as usual, you have outdone
yourselves with the store display.
15
00:00:55,227 --> 00:00:57,058
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
16
00:00:57,267 --> 00:01:00,179
Listen, morons,
l've decided to restock the store.
17
00:01:00,387 --> 00:01:02,742
So l'm donating
all of these old shoes...
18
00:01:02,947 --> 00:01:05,222
...to poor Filipino orphans.
19
00:01:05,427 --> 00:01:08,339
Well, they made them,
why would they want them back?
20
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:10,625
Just pack them up.
21
00:01:10,827 --> 00:01:12,419
Excuse me, l've got to go shopping.
22
00:01:12,627 --> 00:01:15,619
l'm going on a cruise,
and l wanna look good.
23
00:01:15,827 --> 00:01:20,821
For her to look good, she'd have
to stand next to a real ugly tuna.
24
00:01:21,947 --> 00:01:23,426
Hi, got your lunch.
25
00:01:23,627 --> 00:01:25,458
-Oh, good.
-Thank you.
26
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:28,261
-Griff, give her the money.
-l don't have any money.
27
00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:29,695
Well, l don't have
any money.
28
00:01:29,907 --> 00:01:33,616
Well, you know,
l could take those sandals instead.
29
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,022
You know, a little trade?
30
00:01:36,227 --> 00:01:37,216
Hey...
31
00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,066
-You got a deal.
-Cool.
32
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:42,100
And while you're at it,
take yourself a pair of Peds.
33
00:02:23,187 --> 00:02:27,499
All right, Lucky,
the dishes are all done.
34
00:02:32,667 --> 00:02:35,659
Now it's time to do Al's laundry.
35
00:02:42,707 --> 00:02:46,256
Oh, yeah? Well, anyone who doesn't
think Delta Burke is a major talent...
36
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,901
...is someone
l don't wanna do business with.
37
00:02:50,867 --> 00:02:52,186
Hey.
38
00:02:56,627 --> 00:02:59,380
Guess what.
l finally got my masseuse licence.
39
00:02:59,587 --> 00:03:00,861
You know what that means?
40
00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:04,020
You can rub men
and finally get paid for it?
41
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:08,938
No, master of self-massage...
42
00:03:11,147 --> 00:03:14,696
...it means, as a licensed masseuse,
l can make some money-
43
00:03:15,347 --> 00:03:18,100
Oh, yeah, l guess you're right, huh?
44
00:03:18,987 --> 00:03:22,138
So, Mom, you look pretty stressed.
Do you wanna go first?
45
00:03:25,427 --> 00:03:27,338
Well, l guess Mom can wait.
46
00:03:27,547 --> 00:03:28,696
How about you?
47
00:03:28,907 --> 00:03:30,101
Well, l am a little tense.
48
00:03:30,587 --> 00:03:33,579
Getting Delta Burke a job isn't as easy
as l thought it would be.
49
00:03:33,787 --> 00:03:36,017
Here, hop on the table. Come on.
50
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,061
-All right.
-All right, let's see.
51
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:41,899
Okay.
52
00:03:42,547 --> 00:03:43,900
Oh, Kelly, that feels good.
53
00:03:44,107 --> 00:03:46,701
Yeah. See, the key to it is pressure.
54
00:03:46,907 --> 00:03:49,944
Because if you press
in the wrong place, you could-
55
00:03:53,027 --> 00:03:56,099
You could really hurt someone.
Here, let's try this one.
56
00:03:56,307 --> 00:03:59,219
-No, stop. Kelly, stop. Please.
-lt's really a good one though.
57
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:05,576
Well, there's a sound
l haven't heard before.
58
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:08,017
Oh, my God. l can't move my legs.
59
00:04:08,227 --> 00:04:10,457
l can't move my legs.
60
00:04:12,387 --> 00:04:14,059
That's not true.
61
00:04:14,267 --> 00:04:16,462
They're twitching.
62
00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:20,579
l really, really think
l'm gonna need some help here.
63
00:04:20,787 --> 00:04:24,336
Okay. Well, l guess l better
go take another lesson then, huh?
64
00:04:24,547 --> 00:04:26,299
-Okay, bye.
-No, Kelly. Don't leave!
65
00:04:26,507 --> 00:04:28,065
Kelly, don't leave, please!
66
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:29,582
Mom!
67
00:04:42,747 --> 00:04:45,545
You know, this bartering stuff is great.
68
00:04:45,747 --> 00:04:49,706
l wonder why people didn't think
of this thousands of years ago.
69
00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:51,659
You know, it's kind of hard
to barter...
70
00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:53,937
...when you got a T. rex
chasing your ass.
71
00:04:57,027 --> 00:04:58,176
Hey.
72
00:04:58,387 --> 00:04:59,979
This here looks expensive, huh?
73
00:05:02,467 --> 00:05:05,379
My back is killing me.
74
00:05:05,587 --> 00:05:07,703
The view is killing me.
75
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,416
Hey.
76
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:12,140
How come this chair...
77
00:05:12,347 --> 00:05:14,656
...has an on-and-off switch?
78
00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:18,655
Because that
is the Swedish Ecstasy 5000.
79
00:05:18,867 --> 00:05:20,983
This massage chair is so amazing...
80
00:05:21,187 --> 00:05:23,906
...other massage chairs sit in it
when they want to relax.
81
00:05:25,907 --> 00:05:27,101
Some people say...
82
00:05:27,307 --> 00:05:31,220
...the Swedish Ecstasy 5000
is almost as good as sex.
83
00:05:31,827 --> 00:05:33,783
They're crazy.
84
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:36,583
lt's much better.
85
00:05:38,187 --> 00:05:41,702
-We'll take it.
-Well, that will be $3000.
86
00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:42,896
Three thousand dollars?
87
00:05:43,107 --> 00:05:45,940
For that we could have actual sex
with Swedish girls.
88
00:05:46,147 --> 00:05:47,136
Yeah.
89
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,942
Yes. Well, maybe we couldn't,
but some guys could.
90
00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:53,703
That's another great feature
of this chair.
91
00:05:53,907 --> 00:05:55,659
-lt will never say no to you.
-Yeah.
92
00:05:55,867 --> 00:05:59,177
Spit on you and call you a shoe man.
93
00:05:59,387 --> 00:06:00,945
Or lard butt.
94
00:06:01,147 --> 00:06:03,058
Or spoon-billed.
95
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:04,859
Well, that only happened once.
96
00:06:06,227 --> 00:06:08,457
My friend, you're in luck.
97
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,658
We're in the barter business.
98
00:06:10,867 --> 00:06:14,496
Now, how many shoes would you take
for this here chair?
99
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:18,017
One. As long as there's
$3000 stuffed in it.
100
00:06:18,227 --> 00:06:20,695
Come on. We're both mall guys.
101
00:06:20,907 --> 00:06:22,818
What would you take for that chair?
102
00:06:23,027 --> 00:06:27,703
Well, it's too bad you guys don't work
in the sporting goods store...
103
00:06:28,227 --> 00:06:31,185
...because l'd trade that chair
for a set of graphite golf clubs.
104
00:06:31,907 --> 00:06:32,976
That can be arranged.
105
00:06:35,987 --> 00:06:37,261
So, what do you say?
106
00:06:37,467 --> 00:06:39,935
l say l'll give you the clubs...
107
00:06:40,147 --> 00:06:43,059
...for 50 pairs of stiletto heels.
108
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:45,178
Size 12.
109
00:06:53,867 --> 00:06:55,346
Don't ask.
110
00:06:57,307 --> 00:06:59,980
Who are we to judge?
111
00:07:01,427 --> 00:07:03,543
And a push-up bra.
112
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,702
Maybe we'll judge a little.
113
00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:12,026
Deal.
114
00:07:15,307 --> 00:07:16,456
Okay.
115
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,020
Now, Bud...
116
00:07:18,227 --> 00:07:20,263
...can you feel this?
117
00:07:24,507 --> 00:07:26,418
No.
118
00:07:28,227 --> 00:07:29,660
All right.
119
00:07:30,307 --> 00:07:31,581
How about this?
120
00:07:34,267 --> 00:07:36,622
That's good. That's good.
lt means it hasn't spread.
121
00:07:37,947 --> 00:07:41,383
Kelly, l'm in a lot of pain here.
122
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,020
Oh, and l'm not?
123
00:07:43,227 --> 00:07:46,139
Do you have any idea
what watching Oprah at this angle...
124
00:07:46,347 --> 00:07:48,781
...is doing to my neck?
125
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:52,737
Mommy, please call the doctor.
126
00:07:52,947 --> 00:07:55,336
Oh, what good's a doctor, Bud?
All they're gonna do...
127
00:07:55,547 --> 00:07:57,936
...is stick you with needles
and check your temperature.
128
00:07:58,147 --> 00:08:00,103
Speaking of which...
129
00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:05,782
Well, if you were a pot roast,
you'd be done by now.
130
00:08:06,867 --> 00:08:08,698
Don't worry, Bud.
131
00:08:13,187 --> 00:08:14,222
l'm here to help.
132
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,703
l've been in more massage parlours
than anyone in the world.
133
00:08:18,827 --> 00:08:20,738
All right, l think l have an idea.
134
00:08:20,947 --> 00:08:22,539
Put Bud on the table.
135
00:08:22,747 --> 00:08:23,702
-All right.
-All right.
136
00:08:23,907 --> 00:08:25,977
Why-? What-? No, l don't-
137
00:08:27,787 --> 00:08:29,345
Okay. Now what?
138
00:08:29,547 --> 00:08:32,141
Nothing. l just wanted the couch.
139
00:08:34,187 --> 00:08:35,142
All right, Bud.
140
00:08:35,347 --> 00:08:38,737
Here we go. Here we go.
Now, this is a little something...
141
00:08:38,947 --> 00:08:42,303
...that l picked up in a massage parlour
in the Far East.
142
00:08:42,507 --> 00:08:46,102
Well, actually, l picked up
a few things in that massage parlour...
143
00:08:46,307 --> 00:08:49,219
...but this is one
that l can pass on to you.
144
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,585
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
145
00:08:52,787 --> 00:08:56,541
Okay, now, Bud, l am going
to manipulate your vertebrae...
146
00:08:56,747 --> 00:08:58,624
...while twisting your neck clockwise.
147
00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:00,658
-Oh, be careful.
-Here we go. And...
148
00:09:03,787 --> 00:09:06,585
Or was that counter clockwise?
149
00:09:09,707 --> 00:09:13,416
Oh, God, now l can't move at all!
150
00:09:15,707 --> 00:09:19,336
Well, on the plus side, you clot well.
151
00:09:21,347 --> 00:09:25,101
Al, don't you think all this trading
is getting a little out of hand?
152
00:09:25,307 --> 00:09:26,820
What do you mean?
153
00:09:36,987 --> 00:09:40,104
Oh, just a hunch.
154
00:09:40,307 --> 00:09:42,457
Very simple, Griff.
155
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:45,181
To get the chair,
we had to get the golf clubs.
156
00:09:45,387 --> 00:09:47,981
To get the golf clubs,
we had to get that push-up bra.
157
00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:51,259
To get the push-up bra,
we had to give them the kayak...
158
00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:54,618
...and that apology for the detour
through the fitting room.
159
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:59,180
Now all we need to do
is get this driving mower to the Gap...
160
00:09:59,387 --> 00:10:02,265
...and Mr. Zippy the chimp
to Hickory Farms.
161
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:07,701
l hope they don't let him roll
the cheese logs.
162
00:10:09,147 --> 00:10:12,105
Hi, l need a pair of shoes.
163
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:14,104
Well, what are you doing here?
164
00:10:16,187 --> 00:10:19,065
You need shoes,
you go to the Hallmark store.
165
00:10:19,907 --> 00:10:22,785
And if you need pantyhose,
you gotta go to the Beef Bowl.
166
00:10:24,987 --> 00:10:26,545
Good day.
167
00:10:29,907 --> 00:10:32,216
Al, are you sure
this is gonna work out?
168
00:10:32,427 --> 00:10:35,624
Trust me. l've thought of everything.
Nothing can go wrong.
169
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:39,297
-Freeze.
-You're busted.
170
00:10:44,547 --> 00:10:46,936
What did we do?
171
00:10:47,827 --> 00:10:53,299
You're in violation of Mall Code 274,
illegal bartering.
172
00:10:53,947 --> 00:10:55,744
Bar- Bar- Bartering?
173
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:58,415
But who's bartering?
174
00:10:58,827 --> 00:11:00,818
Then what's all this merchandise
doing here?
175
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:01,982
Well, if you...
176
00:11:02,547 --> 00:11:06,620
...wipe the Clearasil
out of your eyes, officer...
177
00:11:06,827 --> 00:11:08,704
...you would have seen
that the sign says:
178
00:11:08,907 --> 00:11:11,660
"Gary's Shoes and Accessories."
179
00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:15,098
See, all this stuff,
they're accessories.
180
00:11:16,347 --> 00:11:17,905
A barbecue grill?
181
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,223
Well, sure, maybe to you...
182
00:11:20,427 --> 00:11:24,579
...but to a discriminating consumer,
this is...
183
00:11:24,787 --> 00:11:27,255
...a foot warmer.
184
00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:30,618
All right, that makes sense.
185
00:11:32,827 --> 00:11:34,863
But what about this?
186
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:36,500
That is...
187
00:11:36,707 --> 00:11:39,062
That's for our customer lounge.
188
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:42,827
Welcome to the shoe room,
gentlemen.
189
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:46,023
Any requests?
190
00:11:49,747 --> 00:11:51,100
Come on, Bundy.
191
00:11:51,307 --> 00:11:52,899
Hey, hey, hey.
Keep your voice down.
192
00:11:53,107 --> 00:11:54,540
There's no reason to shout.
193
00:11:58,907 --> 00:12:01,182
Come on,
we all work in the same mall.
194
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,820
Why are you giving me the shaft?
195
00:12:10,627 --> 00:12:13,300
Let's take five, Little Stevie.
196
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,025
Now, listen, l know that you guys
are just doing your job...
197
00:12:17,227 --> 00:12:20,344
...you know,
between doughnut runs...
198
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,937
...but let's talk about
a little payola, you know?
199
00:12:23,147 --> 00:12:24,944
A little greasing of the wheel.
200
00:12:25,147 --> 00:12:27,866
A little something
for the widows and orphans fund.
201
00:12:28,987 --> 00:12:30,659
No way, Bundy.
202
00:12:30,867 --> 00:12:32,300
We want free stuff.
203
00:12:32,747 --> 00:12:33,782
And...
204
00:12:34,507 --> 00:12:37,419
...Griff plays
at the Mall Policeman's Ball.
205
00:12:38,587 --> 00:12:40,179
Deal.
206
00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:43,902
As long as it's not on Saturday.
See, l booked me a bar mitzvah.
207
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:47,100
Stop that!
208
00:12:47,307 --> 00:12:49,059
Come on, Bud,
you have to cooperate...
209
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:51,542
...or we're not gonna take you
to the chiropractor.
210
00:12:51,747 --> 00:12:53,977
Oh, are you sure he's good?
211
00:12:54,187 --> 00:12:56,621
Of course he's good.
His office is in the mall.
212
00:12:56,827 --> 00:12:58,977
-Come on, let's hurry up.
-Here we go.
213
00:12:59,187 --> 00:13:00,984
Okay, okay.
214
00:13:01,227 --> 00:13:02,216
-Okay.
-That's good.
215
00:13:02,427 --> 00:13:05,100
There you go, buddy.
lt should work.
216
00:13:05,307 --> 00:13:09,539
Need l remind you people
that we have to go through a tunnel?
217
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:12,864
Someone's cranky.
218
00:13:13,547 --> 00:13:15,822
All right. Let's put him in the trunk.
219
00:13:16,027 --> 00:13:17,221
-Yeah.
-Okay. Here we go.
220
00:13:17,427 --> 00:13:19,702
No, no, no.
That's not a good idea.
221
00:13:19,907 --> 00:13:21,738
Why, you can't even feel your legs.
222
00:13:21,947 --> 00:13:24,336
-The trunk is not a good idea.
-Yes, it is.
223
00:13:24,547 --> 00:13:26,822
Come on, Bud, you didn't mind
going in the trunk...
224
00:13:27,027 --> 00:13:32,420
...when we had to go to the drive-in
or grandma's or California.
225
00:13:32,627 --> 00:13:34,219
-Get the trunk.
-Well, push over.
226
00:13:34,427 --> 00:13:36,941
Stop, l don't want-
l'm not getting in the trunk.
227
00:13:39,547 --> 00:13:41,777
No. Don't even-!
228
00:13:44,787 --> 00:13:45,981
l'm sorry, Bud.
229
00:13:46,707 --> 00:13:48,106
Let me out.
230
00:13:48,427 --> 00:13:50,895
His legs are moving.
231
00:13:51,107 --> 00:13:53,223
You big faker.
232
00:13:54,627 --> 00:13:56,504
All right, look. l have a better idea.
233
00:13:56,707 --> 00:13:58,060
Take him out of the trunk.
234
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:00,064
-All right.
-Come on.
235
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:02,861
Come on, Bud. Oh, jeez.
236
00:14:03,587 --> 00:14:04,940
Hey, this is a great idea...
237
00:14:05,147 --> 00:14:07,502
...tying Bud to the roof.
238
00:14:07,707 --> 00:14:10,585
-You said tie him to the roof?
-Yeah.
239
00:14:10,787 --> 00:14:13,585
l thought you said put him in a tie.
240
00:14:14,907 --> 00:14:16,625
Oh, no.
241
00:14:20,987 --> 00:14:23,785
Slow down.
242
00:14:24,547 --> 00:14:25,775
What'd he say?
243
00:14:25,987 --> 00:14:29,423
-l think he said stop.
-Okay.
244
00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:35,141
Oh, that had to hurt.
245
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:45,303
Well, l hope you enjoy
your Bustisizer.
246
00:14:46,827 --> 00:14:48,419
l sure have.
247
00:14:51,987 --> 00:14:55,297
Al, your chair is here.
248
00:14:58,427 --> 00:14:59,576
Gary's Shoes.
249
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,417
Well, Gary's.
250
00:15:04,107 --> 00:15:06,575
Hello, chair.
251
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,865
Al, we're in big trouble.
That was Gary.
252
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:15,184
She found out that retro was in,
and she wants all the shoes back.
253
00:15:15,387 --> 00:15:17,662
But we gave all those shoes away.
254
00:15:18,027 --> 00:15:19,460
-Calm down.
-Calm down?
255
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,180
This is all your fault, Griff.
256
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:24,663
My fault? This was all your idea.
257
00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:27,700
Hey, now, let's not place blame here.
258
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:29,866
How we gonna get the shoes back?
259
00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:32,058
Well, we've gotta trade
for everything back.
260
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:33,416
lncluding the chair.
261
00:15:33,627 --> 00:15:35,936
-Not the chair.
-Al...
262
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:39,140
...what good is a massage chair
gonna do you in prison...
263
00:15:39,347 --> 00:15:42,145
...when a guy named Lava Joe
has just made you his bride?
264
00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:51,056
l love this store.
265
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,337
What about the chiropractor?
266
00:15:53,587 --> 00:15:56,101
Bud, you saw those prices.
267
00:15:56,307 --> 00:15:58,263
We're not made out of money,
you know.
268
00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,980
Oh, look.
269
00:16:00,187 --> 00:16:02,906
A titanium showerhead.
270
00:16:03,107 --> 00:16:05,416
Oh, and it's only $400.
271
00:16:05,627 --> 00:16:07,822
l'll take it.
272
00:16:08,027 --> 00:16:11,064
This is the worst day of my life.
273
00:16:11,507 --> 00:16:13,225
Well, l guess it's okay to tell you...
274
00:16:13,427 --> 00:16:15,987
...that Delta Burke called
and she fired you.
275
00:16:16,227 --> 00:16:17,660
l'm sorry.
276
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:21,945
lt doesn't get any lower than that.
277
00:16:23,427 --> 00:16:25,736
Hey, Bud...
278
00:16:25,947 --> 00:16:28,256
...you know what l do...
279
00:16:28,907 --> 00:16:31,102
...when l'm feeling blue?
280
00:16:31,307 --> 00:16:33,025
l tan my troubles away.
281
00:16:33,227 --> 00:16:34,342
Oh, that's a good idea.
282
00:16:34,547 --> 00:16:36,503
There you go, sweetie.
There you go.
283
00:16:37,187 --> 00:16:38,984
l don't know
if this is such a good idea.
284
00:16:39,187 --> 00:16:41,303
See, l'm fair-skinned.
285
00:16:42,987 --> 00:16:44,215
Foosball.
286
00:16:44,427 --> 00:16:45,462
Best three out of two?
287
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,305
-You're on.
-Okay.
288
00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:52,541
Hey, Bundy...
289
00:16:52,747 --> 00:16:53,975
...love the clubs.
290
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,621
Hey, that's good.
Give them back to us.
291
00:16:56,827 --> 00:16:59,625
No way. They've taken
eight strokes off my game.
292
00:16:59,827 --> 00:17:02,819
But see, we traded back everything
we traded for for the chair.
293
00:17:03,027 --> 00:17:06,383
Even Mr. Zippy the chimp,
who didn't wanna go.
294
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:11,015
And l'm not ashamed to say it,
l'm gonna miss the little fellow.
295
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,507
So be a pal, help us out.
296
00:17:14,707 --> 00:17:16,982
But we're not pals.
297
00:17:17,187 --> 00:17:19,860
l don't like you.
298
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,786
But l like you.
299
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,580
Beat it.
300
00:17:30,587 --> 00:17:31,940
Hey, Peg.
301
00:17:32,147 --> 00:17:33,296
What are you doing up?
302
00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:35,225
Well...
303
00:17:35,427 --> 00:17:37,941
...one of us has to be
an attentive parent.
304
00:17:38,147 --> 00:17:41,901
Bud is in serious trouble. He's-
305
00:17:44,707 --> 00:17:46,459
He's burning.
306
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,420
Sorry, Bud, we...
307
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:53,063
Oh, we kind of lost track of time.
308
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,425
But...
309
00:17:57,027 --> 00:17:58,426
Gee, you...
310
00:17:58,627 --> 00:18:00,618
You look great.
311
00:18:02,587 --> 00:18:05,021
You smell like chicken.
312
00:18:06,307 --> 00:18:07,740
Bud boy?
313
00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:09,778
Daddy. Dad?
314
00:18:09,987 --> 00:18:13,059
They're trying to kill me,
you know?
315
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:16,259
Welcome to my world, son.
316
00:18:21,307 --> 00:18:23,867
All right.
What did you do to the boy?
317
00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:26,497
Well, l massaged him and then-
318
00:18:26,707 --> 00:18:28,265
And now he can't walk.
319
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,185
You massaged him...
320
00:18:30,387 --> 00:18:32,776
...and now he's paralysed.
321
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:35,936
Great. l got a good idea.
Help me here.
322
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:38,183
-Bud, come here, son.
-What are you doing?
323
00:18:38,387 --> 00:18:40,343
Don't worry.
We'll take good care of you.
324
00:18:40,547 --> 00:18:42,583
Get him over to the chair.
Come on over here.
325
00:18:42,787 --> 00:18:45,620
Easy, boy. There.
326
00:18:45,827 --> 00:18:48,261
Attention, mall shoppers.
327
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:50,935
You see what this chair
did to my only son?
328
00:18:51,147 --> 00:18:53,058
lt paralysed him...
329
00:18:53,267 --> 00:18:55,827
...and it burned him.
330
00:18:56,627 --> 00:18:58,936
Cut him down in his prime.
331
00:18:59,147 --> 00:19:01,741
All thanks to this evil chair.
332
00:19:01,947 --> 00:19:04,666
What the hell
are you guys trying to pull?
333
00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:07,984
l'm trying to save
my sorry son's life.
334
00:19:08,707 --> 00:19:09,696
Hey, Dad...
335
00:19:09,907 --> 00:19:12,057
...l think l'm starting to be able
to move here.
336
00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:16,820
Oh, my spine!
337
00:19:17,027 --> 00:19:18,585
All right. All right.
338
00:19:18,787 --> 00:19:21,699
Take the clubs.
Just get the hell out of here.
339
00:19:21,907 --> 00:19:23,056
Come on, Griff, let's go.
340
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:26,418
A pleasure doing business
with you, sir.
341
00:19:31,747 --> 00:19:34,420
My skin is fried.
342
00:19:35,627 --> 00:19:39,586
Well, here,
maybe this will cool you off.
343
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,106
That's not gonna work.
344
00:19:41,307 --> 00:19:42,820
Here.
345
00:19:43,027 --> 00:19:44,426
No-
346
00:19:44,627 --> 00:19:46,185
Kelly!
347
00:19:49,707 --> 00:19:53,620
Thank you, Kelly. That felt real good.
348
00:20:11,147 --> 00:20:12,978
Well, just as l suspected...
349
00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:16,862
...you two slugs haven't moved
a muscle since l left.
350
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:19,535
Jeez, you guys could get
some exercise.
351
00:20:19,747 --> 00:20:23,820
lt's just that your beauty
has left us breathless.
352
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:26,220
You'll have to wait in line...
353
00:20:26,427 --> 00:20:30,306
...because l met a special someone
on that cruise. He's picking me up.
354
00:20:30,507 --> 00:20:32,702
l just need a minute
to make myself pretty.
355
00:20:36,107 --> 00:20:38,985
She's gonna need a little bit more
than a minute, huh?
356
00:20:40,787 --> 00:20:43,255
Al, you sure you cleared out
all that stuff back there?
357
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:44,695
Yes, l'm sure.
358
00:20:54,507 --> 00:20:57,658
That's one desperate
little chimp, huh?
359
00:21:06,547 --> 00:21:09,459
Don't go away, we'll be right back.
360
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,056
l told you, l'm in a hurry.1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:28,434 --> 00:01:31,734
Let go of my hair,
you little psychopath!
21
00:01:31,734 --> 00:01:34,000
Die, commie bimbo.
22
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:38,400
Now, Bud, I thought
we talked about this before.
23
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,000
What's that, Mom?
24
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,000
Sneaking up
behind your sister,
25
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,834
pulling her hair,
pretending to kill her.
26
00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:46,434
Remember the effect
it had on Grandma?
27
00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:50,234
Nobody likes it,
nobody thinks it's funny.
28
00:01:50,234 --> 00:01:51,767
So cut it out, okay?
29
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:52,868
Sure, Mom.
30
00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:54,267
Now go to school.
31
00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:56,567
[HORN HONKS]
32
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,267
I hate you.
33
00:01:58,267 --> 00:01:59,300
Good.
34
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:03,267
Hey, hon.
Anything going on?
35
00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:04,300
Nope.
36
00:02:05,934 --> 00:02:08,934
Sweetie, is this
your little cactus?
37
00:02:08,934 --> 00:02:10,267
Uh-huh.
38
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:11,634
Any particular reason
39
00:02:11,634 --> 00:02:15,701
you put it where
the alarm clock used to be?
40
00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:20,234
I thought it would dress up
the room a little bit.
41
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:22,167
Gee, I meant to tell
you to be careful
42
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:24,367
before you slammed your hand
on the alarm this morning.
43
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:25,534
Well, you didn't.
44
00:02:25,534 --> 00:02:26,667
Sorry.
45
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:27,834
That's okay.
46
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:30,701
I stopped the bleeding
with your slip.
47
00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:33,834
Where are the kids?
48
00:02:33,834 --> 00:02:35,133
They've left.
49
00:02:35,133 --> 00:02:38,601
By the way, Bud has
show and tell at school today.
50
00:02:38,601 --> 00:02:40,567
The subject is,
"What does daddy do?"
51
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,033
So when you come home tonight,
52
00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:43,467
if there's a can
of beer missing,
53
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,300
and you can't find
the remote control,
54
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,734
that's where they are.
55
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,267
I hope he brings
that stuff back tonight.
56
00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:50,934
The Bulls are playing on TV.
57
00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:53,200
Oh, my God.
You're kidding.
58
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,701
It's not as exciting as your
Cookin' with Clyde the Cajun,
59
00:02:56,701 --> 00:02:59,901
but at least it gives me
a reason to come home.
60
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:03,033
Al, do you have to leave
the refrigerator door open?
61
00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:05,200
I'm getting a draft.
62
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,567
I'm sorry. Maybe I should look
for some food in the dishwasher.
63
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,400
We have no juice.
64
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,400
I didn't buy any.
I didn't have time.
65
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,701
That happens.
I understand.
66
00:03:16,701 --> 00:03:21,267
You don't have a job
or anything, do you?
67
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:24,267
Well, I do sandpaper the stains
out of your shirts
68
00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:25,734
and battle your socks
and underwear
69
00:03:25,734 --> 00:03:27,567
into the washing machine,
70
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:30,133
but I guess that is more
of an adventure than a job.
71
00:03:30,133 --> 00:03:32,000
What has that got
to do with juice?
72
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,367
Al, there's a store
on your way home from work.
73
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:36,501
I'm sorry.
Why didn't I think of that?
74
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:39,000
Sure. I don't mind
doing the shopping too.
75
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,534
Anything else I can do
to make your life easier?
76
00:03:41,534 --> 00:03:43,434
You could shave
your back.
77
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:49,033
Hey, that hair is there
for a reason.
78
00:03:49,033 --> 00:03:51,901
It keeps you off
of me at night.
79
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,701
Al, let's not start.
80
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,234
We were having
such a nice morning.
81
00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:58,634
Yeah, I'm sorry.
You're right.
82
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:01,067
It's just that I got
a hard day ahead of me
83
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,834
and nothing to eat
to get me going.
84
00:04:02,834 --> 00:04:05,300
I'm sorry, honey.
It's my fault.
85
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:09,467
Tonight, I promise,
there will be food in the house.
86
00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:10,534
And juice.
87
00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:11,734
Right.
88
00:04:11,734 --> 00:04:12,901
Those kids.
89
00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:15,834
I hate wasting food.
90
00:04:17,567 --> 00:04:19,667
Yes, my little baby.
91
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:25,067
Have a nice day, honey.
92
00:04:30,968 --> 00:04:33,834
There better be juice
when I get home.
93
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:44,167
I don't care what
your little ruler says.
94
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:47,534
I've been a 7 since I graduated
from high school.
95
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,133
Well, these are 7s.
96
00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:53,133
The box says 9
because, well, uh...
97
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:55,300
Look, lady.
You're a 9.
98
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:59,400
I can accept it.
Why can't you?
99
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,167
You're very fresh!
100
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,501
No, ma'am,
that's impossible,
101
00:05:02,501 --> 00:05:04,133
because
for the last hour,
102
00:05:04,133 --> 00:05:06,267
I've been trying to squeeze
your foot into a shoe,
103
00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:08,968
when I really should have
been easing them into the box.
104
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:11,367
I'd say I'm anything
but fresh.
105
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:13,868
By the way, you want
to tell John Henry there
106
00:05:13,868 --> 00:05:16,868
to give the $100
pumps a rest?
107
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:20,234
Your ad says
"Courteous service."
108
00:05:20,234 --> 00:05:22,167
That's not my ad, ma'am.
109
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:23,667
That's the former owner's.
110
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:26,167
He was killed, tragically,
on this very spot
111
00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:29,667
when a size 9
exploded in his face.
112
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:32,167
Come on, Arnold.
We're leaving.
113
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:33,667
I want a balloon.
114
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,033
You've already
got one.
115
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,968
Hey, Al. You mind
if I go to lunch?
116
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:45,968
You just came
from lunch.
117
00:05:45,968 --> 00:05:47,234
Yeah, technically.
118
00:05:47,234 --> 00:05:50,133
Biologically, I was
in bed with some broad.
119
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,667
Luke, how can
you be happy
120
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:55,167
sleeping with every
woman you meet?
121
00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,300
I don't know,
but I am.
122
00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,901
I'll tell you,
as your friend,
123
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,801
I can't wait till you
get married.
124
00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:04,801
Yeah. A wife and kids
who adore you.
125
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:05,968
A wife...
126
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:07,133
Kids...
127
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,634
The list goes on and on.
128
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:11,868
It's just seeing their faces
light up in the morning
129
00:06:11,868 --> 00:06:13,234
when they see you.
130
00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:15,100
They can't do enough for you.
131
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,300
It's heaven on earth.
132
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:18,300
No, Al. That is.
133
00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:22,968
Luke Ventura,
at your feet.
134
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,701
Do you work here,
135
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,701
or are you
just loitering?
136
00:06:29,701 --> 00:06:31,200
I'm sorry.
Can I help you?
137
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,501
I'd like to see
some shoes, please.
138
00:06:35,534 --> 00:06:36,968
Uh, let me guess.
139
00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:39,501
Uh...size 7s.
140
00:06:39,501 --> 00:06:41,467
Yes. How did you know?
141
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,234
All women are 7s.
142
00:06:46,634 --> 00:06:49,634
I know you've been
told this before,
143
00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:52,234
but you have the instep
of a movie star.
144
00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:54,300
Really?
145
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,300
Hey, Al. Meet Tawny.
146
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,634
Al's married.
147
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,534
[BOTH LAUGH]
148
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,067
Listen, Al,
I forgot to tell you.
149
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:05,167
I got an extra ticket to
the Bulls/Lakers game tonight.
150
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:06,767
Court level.
Want to go?
151
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:07,934
Hell, yeah!
152
00:07:07,934 --> 00:07:09,400
Sure your wife
will let you?
153
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:10,667
Let me tell you something.
154
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,868
No woman tells
Al Bundy what to do.
155
00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:15,467
Hey, you.
Get my shoes.
156
00:07:15,467 --> 00:07:16,501
Yes, ma'am.
157
00:07:19,334 --> 00:07:22,334
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
We're here today
with our staff anthropologist,
158
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:26,834
Dr. Jim, who discovered
a tribe of women in the Amazon
159
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:28,834
who, like the praying mantis,
160
00:07:28,834 --> 00:07:31,367
devour their males
after mating season.
161
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:32,534
Oh, my God.
Ladies?
162
00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:33,901
[APPLAUSE]
163
00:07:36,634 --> 00:07:37,667
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
164
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:42,767
[TURNS VACUUM ON]
165
00:07:52,701 --> 00:07:54,167
Hi, honey.
166
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:57,100
Hi. Working hard?
167
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,334
Oh, yeah.
168
00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:01,834
You know I like
to keep the house clean.
169
00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:02,901
Whew! Hard day?
170
00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:04,234
Yeah. You?
171
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,534
Oh, yeah.
172
00:08:06,534 --> 00:08:09,400
Yeah, it must have been.
Even the TV's sweating.
173
00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:13,167
Hey, get me
some juice, okay?
174
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:16,167
Oh, that's what
I forgot to do.
175
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:17,834
That's okay.
Juice isn't important.
176
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:20,434
Listen, honey,
I know you've been busy
177
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:22,100
around the house all day.
178
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:24,367
so you don't have to bother
making me dinner tonight.
179
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,400
I got a little
surprise for you.
180
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,934
I'm going to the
ball game tonight.
181
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,434
Al.
Hm?
182
00:08:30,434 --> 00:08:32,000
You're not going
to the game tonight.
183
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,100
Sure, I am.
184
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,534
See, let me explain
something to you.
185
00:08:34,534 --> 00:08:36,133
I work all day.
186
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:39,367
And when somebody works all day,
they need to have fun at night.
187
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:41,868
I don't actually expect
you to understand,
188
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:45,033
but trust me. I'm your husband.
I know best.
189
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,868
Isn't staying home
with me fun?
190
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,934
Don't wait up.
191
00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,701
Al, you're not
going to the game tonight.
192
00:08:57,701 --> 00:08:59,000
I see you misunderstood me.
193
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,367
You must have
thought I said,
194
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:02,701
"Is it okay with you
if I go to the game?"
195
00:09:02,701 --> 00:09:04,701
You know,
like a question.
196
00:09:04,701 --> 00:09:06,434
There's no question
about this.
197
00:09:06,434 --> 00:09:07,934
No, there isn't.
198
00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:09,400
You cannot go
to the game tonight.
199
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:10,567
Why not?
200
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:11,801
Because I invited
company over.
201
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,901
Company?!
202
00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:15,534
Who the hell would want
to come over here?
203
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:17,334
You know that honeymoon couple
that moved next door?
204
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:18,400
No.
205
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,234
I invited them over.
I thought I told you.
206
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:21,400
You didn't.
207
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,801
Look, I worked hard
all day.
208
00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:24,300
The last thing
I want to do
209
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,200
is spend the evening
with people I don't know.
210
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,767
Now, look. They are new
in the neighborhood.
211
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,200
They have lived here
for two months,
212
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,601
and they have no friends.
213
00:09:31,601 --> 00:09:33,100
We have lived here
for 15 years,
214
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,767
and we have no friends.
215
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:37,834
Al, I want to have
some friends.
216
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:39,200
Are you implying
217
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,934
that it's my fault
you have no friends?
218
00:09:40,934 --> 00:09:44,801
Oh, no. It's me who sits in
front of the TV set burping,
219
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:47,367
with my hand
thrust down my pants.
220
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,133
You keep it cold
in this house, Peg.
221
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:55,167
Al, every night
when the kids go out,
222
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:57,167
it's just you and me.
223
00:09:57,167 --> 00:10:01,934
Can't you see how boring
that is for me, honey?
224
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,534
Look, all I am asking
225
00:10:03,534 --> 00:10:05,934
is that we have
some people over for one night
226
00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:07,701
and for you
to be nice.
227
00:10:07,701 --> 00:10:09,200
Oh, I'm gonna be nice.
228
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,434
How's this for nice?
I'm not even gonna be here.
229
00:10:11,434 --> 00:10:13,100
I'm going to the game.
230
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,100
All right, Al. Fine.
But before you go,
231
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,868
I would just like to say
three things.
232
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,901
The bank book
is in both our names,
233
00:10:20,901 --> 00:10:23,901
the credit cards
are in both our names,
234
00:10:23,901 --> 00:10:26,267
and the stores
are still open.
235
00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:39,868
Why didn't you
get me juice?
236
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,734
Kids gone?
237
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:58,434
Yeah.
But they'll be back.
238
00:10:58,434 --> 00:11:01,934
I can't believe you invited
these people over tonight.
239
00:11:01,934 --> 00:11:03,334
I hate company.
240
00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:05,334
Would you for once
think about me?
241
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:07,334
I am at home all day,
alone.
242
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,834
You're out there around people
all the time.
243
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:12,033
You know,
I need some fun too.
244
00:11:12,033 --> 00:11:14,067
Too? Oh, sure,
on the surface
245
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:15,534
selling women's shoes
is fun.
246
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:16,868
But once you cut through
247
00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:18,534
all the hype, the myths,
the glamour,
248
00:11:18,534 --> 00:11:23,100
it's really very much like any
minimum-wage-paying slow death.
249
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:28,267
Hi, Mom.
250
00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:29,934
Dad, can I
have $5.00?
251
00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:32,400
When I was a kid,
I had to earn my money.
252
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,501
Did you ever once think about
trying to earn your money?
253
00:11:35,501 --> 00:11:36,667
Okay, Dad.
254
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:38,167
Do you want to know
255
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:40,667
who Kelly was with
this afternoon?
256
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,701
Who?
257
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:50,234
You know the kid
they call Cobra,
258
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:52,734
the kid with the sore
on his mouth?
259
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:54,234
Good job, son.
260
00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:55,400
Thanks, Dad.
261
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,601
Where are you going?
262
00:11:56,601 --> 00:11:58,067
Joey's dad's
waiting for me outside.
263
00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:00,067
We're going
to the basketball game tonight.
264
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,767
Mom said it was okay.
Bye.
265
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:03,601
The Lakers
are in town.
266
00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,334
He really wanted
to go.
267
00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:08,334
Hi, Mom.
Dad, can I have $10?
268
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:10,267
Who were you
with today?
269
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:11,334
Nobody.
270
00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:13,400
Does nobody
have a name?
271
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,868
You know, Tom, Dick, Cobra
with a sore on his mouth?
272
00:12:16,868 --> 00:12:19,300
Oh, Dad. It's not
that kind of a sore.
273
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,501
He just fell asleep
with a cigar in his mouth.
274
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:22,868
What?
275
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:25,868
You gave some to Bud,
you have to give to Kelly too.
276
00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:27,033
Remember, Al.
No favoritism.
277
00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:29,534
Peg, she's going out
with a guy
278
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:30,634
named after a reptile.
279
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:32,667
His real name
is Stanley.
280
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:35,400
They only call him Cobra because
he has one painted on his van.
281
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,868
And you find this
acceptable?
282
00:12:36,868 --> 00:12:39,801
I've met him,
and he's a very nice boy.
283
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:40,968
[TIRES SQUEAL]
284
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,667
[HORN PLAYING]
* Dum de dum dum *
285
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,000
That's his horn.
Isn't it great?
286
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,300
I guess that's why
I fell in love with him.
287
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,701
Bye, Mom.
288
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:51,000
Bye, honey.
289
00:12:52,801 --> 00:12:55,801
You know, we must have
done something right.
290
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,734
We raised
two great kids.
291
00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:01,067
[TIRES SQUEALING]
292
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:04,067
I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't hear you.
293
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:07,100
I was just thinking
of killing myself.
294
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,601
Not tonight, honey.
295
00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:10,934
We have company
coming over.
296
00:13:10,934 --> 00:13:13,434
Look, it's time
for the pre-game show.
297
00:13:13,434 --> 00:13:15,834
Oh, no, you don't.
Every time we have company,
298
00:13:15,834 --> 00:13:17,200
you turn on this TV
299
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,868
and immediately
separate yourself.
300
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:21,634
Not tonight. You can always
watch a basketball game.
301
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,534
Oh, but I couldn't always
meet our next-door neighbors.
302
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:24,634
Now I see.
303
00:13:24,634 --> 00:13:25,734
[DOORBELL RINGS]
304
00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:27,534
That must be Steve and Marcie
from next door.
305
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:29,601
Steve and Marcie?
I'm gonna miss a game
306
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,467
for people named
Steve and Marcie?
307
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:34,400
What's their
last name, Gorme?
308
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,901
And that is another thing, Al.
309
00:13:35,901 --> 00:13:38,934
When they're in here, I do not
want you making snide comments.
310
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:41,734
That is why we have
no friends.
311
00:13:41,734 --> 00:13:44,234
Excuse me, Peg.
I thought we had no friends
312
00:13:44,234 --> 00:13:46,100
because I put my hands
down my pants.
313
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:47,200
[Doorbell rings]
314
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,567
Now, that's them.
315
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:50,701
Another thing. Do not
eat or drink anything.
316
00:13:50,701 --> 00:13:53,701
One of them may have to use
the bathroom after you.
317
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:55,734
I'm gonna hate
these people.
318
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,701
You will not hate them
They are very nice.
319
00:13:57,701 --> 00:14:00,701
If they were nice, they'd
be dead and I'd be at the game.
320
00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:02,968
Get the door.
Get my juice.
321
00:14:04,734 --> 00:14:06,234
Hello.
I'm Marcie.
322
00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:07,400
I'm Steve.
323
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,868
You have
a beautiful home.
324
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:11,067
Yeah, so do you.
Come on in.
325
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:13,767
Howdy, neighbor!
326
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:16,100
Yeah, yeah.
I hate these people.
327
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,601
Why don't
we sit down.
328
00:14:17,601 --> 00:14:19,634
Gee, you know,
I'm kind of embarrassed.
329
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:22,467
I have nothing
to serve you.
330
00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:24,033
Listen,
if you're hungry,
331
00:14:24,033 --> 00:14:26,400
there's a store
a few blocks away.
332
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,400
If you're going,
get me some juice, okay?
333
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,801
Al's only kidding.
334
00:14:30,801 --> 00:14:32,200
He's just upset because
335
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,901
I didn't have time
to do the shopping.
336
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:35,901
You know,
Steve and I
337
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:38,734
decided to share
the household chores.
338
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:40,400
Gee, that's great.
339
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,300
You see, Al.
Steve helps around the house.
340
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:44,868
Way to go, Steve.
341
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:48,334
Say, listen,
who do you like
342
00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:51,033
to win the NBA championship
this year?
343
00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:54,334
Well, Al...
to tell you the truth,
344
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:56,701
since we got married,
345
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,701
I don't watch
much sports.
346
00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:00,200
Marcie doesn't like it,
347
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,400
and we decided we'll only
do things we both like.
348
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:08,100
I feel that sports glorify
violence and competition,
349
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,601
and I don't think it's
psychologically healthy.
350
00:15:10,601 --> 00:15:13,234
When we have a child,
we don't want it to grow up
351
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:15,534
with that "winning
is the only thing" attitude.
352
00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:19,934
A child is better off
not being exposed to sports.
353
00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:21,634
You gonna neuter him too?
354
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,601
Do you two have any kids?
355
00:15:27,601 --> 00:15:28,601
Two.
356
00:15:28,601 --> 00:15:29,901
Where are they?
357
00:15:29,901 --> 00:15:31,267
I don't know.
358
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,667
So, Steve...
359
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:40,100
looks like life is really
shaping up for you two.
360
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,601
How long you two crazy kids
been married?
361
00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:44,067
Two months, Al.
362
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,667
Well, Marcie,
looks like you got
363
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:49,534
a heck of a piece of clay
to work with.
364
00:15:51,801 --> 00:15:54,133
We've been married
15 years.
365
00:15:54,133 --> 00:15:55,868
Well, what's
your secret?
366
00:15:55,868 --> 00:15:58,100
Oh, no secret, really.
367
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:01,200
Just to be considerate, accept
each other for what you are,
368
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,834
don't point out the fact
369
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:04,701
that the hair
he's losing on his head
370
00:16:04,701 --> 00:16:06,267
is now growing
out of his nose.
371
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,467
And his ears.
372
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:19,000
And accepting the fact
that nowadays
373
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,501
it's harder to figure out
where her chest ends
374
00:16:22,501 --> 00:16:23,868
and her stomach begins.
375
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:29,234
I'll get us
some coffee, Marcie.
376
00:16:29,234 --> 00:16:30,367
I'll help.
377
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:31,400
Me too.
378
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,901
Hey. You know
another thing
379
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:36,067
that makes women
such a blessing to us?
380
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:38,567
It's like when you're
sitting somewhere,
381
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:41,067
and they come over
and they say to you,
382
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:43,100
"What are you
thinking?"
383
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,601
And you
start thinking...
384
00:16:44,601 --> 00:16:47,100
"You know, if I wanted
you to know,
385
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,467
I'd be talking."
386
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:56,434
Isn't that
an awful lot of coffee
387
00:16:56,434 --> 00:16:57,934
you're putting in there?
388
00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,167
Yes.
389
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,634
That's for them.
390
00:17:00,634 --> 00:17:02,133
Ours will be good.
391
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:03,901
You see,
if they enjoy
392
00:17:03,901 --> 00:17:05,634
eating and drinking
at home too much,
393
00:17:05,634 --> 00:17:07,400
they never
take you anywhere.
394
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,501
With men, if you ask them
for something,
395
00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:13,000
you are never
gonna get it.
396
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,000
But if you
do some damage
397
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,501
to their
internal organs,
398
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:17,868
you got a shot.
399
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:21,634
And if it
doesn't work...
400
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:23,067
what have you lost?
401
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,434
Could you fill this
with tap water, please.
402
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:29,701
Well, I have
to be honest.
403
00:17:29,701 --> 00:17:32,968
So far, Steve has been
the ideal husband.
404
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,167
Oh, really?
405
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:36,400
I bet the first couple
of weeks you were married,
406
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,968
you went to bed
at the same time.
407
00:17:38,968 --> 00:17:40,267
Oh, yes.
408
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,934
Have you noticed how
in the last month or so,
409
00:17:42,934 --> 00:17:46,334
he seems to be going to bed
a little later and later?
410
00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:47,868
Why, yes.
411
00:17:49,734 --> 00:17:52,300
How did you know?
412
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:54,934
You're letting him
slip away, Marcie.
413
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:57,567
You've got
a good thing going.
414
00:17:57,567 --> 00:18:00,534
Don't start letting him
have a good time alone.
415
00:18:00,534 --> 00:18:03,033
But we still have
a good time together.
416
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:05,434
Then why is he
staying up?
417
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,901
I'm telling you,
your son is gonna be a sissy
418
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:14,901
if you let that woman
419
00:18:14,901 --> 00:18:16,267
take away your sports.
420
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,634
I used to love sports.
421
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,067
Of course you did.
422
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:25,567
You're a man.
423
00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:27,501
But, Steve...
424
00:18:27,501 --> 00:18:29,501
you can love it again.
425
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:32,667
Start with me
right now, Steve.
426
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:35,667
Turn on that TV.
427
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:38,167
I can't do it
for you.
428
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:39,901
Turn it on...
429
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,300
Settle back...
430
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:42,367
Relax...
431
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:45,434
and watch sports.
432
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,567
[CROWD CHEERING]
433
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,501
You know, lately...
434
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:05,634
he's been getting up
earlier than me too.
435
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:08,100
Mm-mm-mm.
That's not good.
436
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,968
Do you have PMS?
437
00:19:09,968 --> 00:19:11,267
No.
438
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:12,367
Get it.
439
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,534
Steve!
440
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:20,601
Shh!
Hey!
441
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:22,934
I thought we agreed:
442
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:24,267
No sports.
443
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:25,634
Nice shot.
444
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,601
[COUGHS]
445
00:19:34,734 --> 00:19:37,567
I demand to know
what you do late at night
446
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,400
after I've
gone to bed.
447
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,167
Are you
having fun alone, Steve?
448
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:48,067
No. I just like
to stay up and think.
449
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:51,234
What are you thinking?
450
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:54,701
Well, if I wanted you
to know, I'd...
451
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:04,601
Oh, just about...
452
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:06,601
how much I love you.
453
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:10,100
I'm going to the game
next week with Al.
454
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,734
My mother's coming over
next week.
455
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:15,767
Oh, yeah? She gonna
teach you how to bury me
456
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:18,167
like she buried
her three husbands?
457
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:22,868
Steve!
458
00:20:24,634 --> 00:20:26,634
Are you implying
that their suicides
459
00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:29,067
had something
to do with Mother?
460
00:20:32,801 --> 00:20:34,234
Oh.
461
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,234
Well, if that's
your attitude,
462
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:39,400
then maybe I should just pack
my bags and move in with her.
463
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,133
Great. Then I could
go to bed at a normal hour.
464
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:47,200
All right, Steve Rhoades,
let's go.
465
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,734
We're going home.
466
00:20:48,734 --> 00:20:51,734
It's time to redefine
our relationship.
467
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:52,934
Okay.
468
00:20:52,934 --> 00:20:55,968
Al, I'll see you
next week at the game.
469
00:20:55,968 --> 00:20:58,934
Peggy, I think we'll be spending
a lot of time together.
470
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:00,100
Come on, Steve.
471
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,767
We've got to talk.
472
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:03,734
Make it quick.
I'm gonna watch boxing.
473
00:21:03,734 --> 00:21:05,567
You'll watch
nothing!
474
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:16,100
Yeah!
475
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:19,000
It's gonna be
rough for them.
476
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,801
Yeah. Well, it was rough
for us, and we made it.
477
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,067
Hey, you know what?
478
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,467
Bud got an A
in school today.
479
00:21:28,467 --> 00:21:30,267
No kidding?
Yeah.
480
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:38,100
Hey, let's go out
Saturday night.
481
00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:40,667
You know, to eat.
Just me and you.
482
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,200
Sure, if you want to.
483
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,367
We haven't been
484
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:45,067
to The Captain's
Table in a long time.
485
00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:47,067
We always
like it there.
486
00:21:47,067 --> 00:21:49,601
They have
such a nice menu.
487
00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:50,934
Yeah.
488
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:55,100
You want to go
upstairs?
489
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:58,267
I thought you wanted
to watch the game.
490
00:21:58,267 --> 00:21:59,501
Nah!
491
00:21:59,501 --> 00:22:00,801
Who cares?
492
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,968
You know, I like
the coffee there too.
493
00:22:25,534 --> 00:22:28,868
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:19,534
WOMAN ON TELEVISION:
Excuse me, Mr. Bosley.
Isn't this demeaning?
21
00:01:19,534 --> 00:01:22,300
MAN ON TELEVISION:
Demeaning?
Demeaning, Patsy?
22
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:25,801
Is it demeaning for a woman
to serve a man?
23
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:27,734
What do you
think, girls?
24
00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,067
No.
WOMEN: No.
25
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:31,133
Now, everybody,
let's get started.
26
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,701
[SYNTHESIZED MUSIC PLAYING]
27
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,067
What you watching?
28
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:36,934
Patsy: Portrait of a Stewardess
in Training.
29
00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:41,234
Mr. Bosley!
30
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:44,767
And I thought that was
a flotation device.
31
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:49,901
Oh, Al. Why do you
watch these things?
32
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,868
It's educational, Peg.
33
00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:55,033
I mean, we all fly,
but do any of us really know
34
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,701
what these young
ladies go through
35
00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:57,801
to become stewardesses?
36
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:01,467
Ooh.
37
00:02:03,434 --> 00:02:05,767
Their dresses
are awfully short.
38
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:09,267
Would you like me
to get one of those?
39
00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:10,300
Why?
40
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:13,267
[DOORBELL RINGS]
41
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,601
Get that, hon.
42
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:15,934
I'd be honored, Al.
43
00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:16,801
Shh!
44
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:22,434
I hope we're
not interrupting.
45
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,434
Oh, no. Come on in.
46
00:02:24,434 --> 00:02:26,367
I was just making coffee.
47
00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:29,367
Al's watching Gullible Girls
Week on Channel 3.
48
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:31,934
Al, we have company.
49
00:02:35,234 --> 00:02:37,100
It's Steve
and Marcie.
50
00:02:40,734 --> 00:02:44,734
If a maniac broke in this house
right now and shot me dead,
51
00:02:44,734 --> 00:02:46,534
Al wouldn't even know.
52
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,033
I'd know.
53
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:52,634
I can't believe
you let your husband watch
54
00:02:52,634 --> 00:02:54,501
this mindless
exploitation of women.
55
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:56,868
It's not mindless.
56
00:02:56,868 --> 00:02:59,033
Come on, Marcie.
You want coffee and cake?
57
00:02:59,033 --> 00:03:00,033
Sure.
58
00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:01,367
Good.
Did you bring cake?
59
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:02,367
No.
60
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:03,801
Well, we'll use ours.
61
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:05,334
Hey, Al,
doesn't it bother you
62
00:03:05,334 --> 00:03:08,400
to watch this kind of smut
in front of your wife?
63
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,234
Yeah.
64
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:12,234
You know what
we learned last Tuesday
65
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,234
in Marcie's
women's club meeting?
66
00:03:14,234 --> 00:03:16,334
I don't care.
67
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,334
You can't
honestly tell me
68
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,801
you don't
enjoy watching this.
69
00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:21,300
I mean,
look at that leg
70
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,300
draped over that
flotation device.
71
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,167
You don't find
that pleasurable?
72
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:29,000
I used to love smut.
73
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:33,300
Oh, wait a second, Al.
We went through this before.
74
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,234
You got me
in a lot of trouble.
75
00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:37,267
Damn it, Steve,
we're men.
76
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:38,767
It's our
God given right
77
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,767
to watch
sports and smut.
78
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:43,400
Since when do we have
to apologize for that?
79
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,267
I think since the '70s.
80
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,434
Cake?
81
00:03:48,434 --> 00:03:49,734
No, thanks.
82
00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:53,434
Doesn't it bother you that
he watches things like that?
83
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,767
Not really.
84
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,367
I couldn't stand it.
85
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:58,767
Men shouldn't look at women
like pieces of meat.
86
00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:00,267
Well, what actually
bothers me
87
00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:02,767
is that he doesn't
look at me
88
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:05,267
like a piece
of meat anymore.
89
00:04:05,267 --> 00:04:07,767
He used to,
but it's been 16 years,
90
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,634
and I guess it's hard
to stay interested.
91
00:04:09,634 --> 00:04:11,067
That's ridiculous.
92
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:13,801
If they can follow the same
sports team all their lives,
93
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,868
they can stay interested
in the same woman.
94
00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:18,367
In our women's group,
95
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:21,367
we have a couple
married 47 years.
96
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:24,167
They still fool around
four times a week.
97
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:28,234
A week?
98
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:35,400
Al doesn't even brush his teeth
four times a week.
99
00:04:39,534 --> 00:04:43,601
You know, maybe Al just doesn't
find me attractive anymore.
100
00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:45,234
What would you say
if I told you
101
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:47,133
I had the answer
to all your problems?
102
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:48,467
I don't know.
103
00:04:48,467 --> 00:04:52,000
I bought one of those,
and it's just not the same.
104
00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:59,567
Not that.
105
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,567
I've been
reading this book,
106
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:03,567
Thinnergy For Thinness
And Energy.
107
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:04,567
A diet?
108
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,567
Oh, it's more
than just a diet.
109
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:07,868
It's a way of life.
110
00:05:07,868 --> 00:05:09,367
Certain foods
add to your energy,
111
00:05:09,367 --> 00:05:12,367
while other bad foods
can actually drain your energy.
112
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:15,100
This book helps you
eliminate the bad foods.
113
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,868
You wake up
with energy.
114
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:20,067
You go to bed
with energy.
115
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:24,267
What foods
drain your energy?
116
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:26,701
AL:
Hey, Peg, we got
any more chips?
117
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,868
Potato chips
are draining.
118
00:05:28,868 --> 00:05:29,901
No, Al.
119
00:05:31,701 --> 00:05:33,667
You really ought
to give it a try.
120
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:37,167
You'll radiate an aura
of energy and sexuality
121
00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:39,868
that even Al
can't resist.
122
00:05:39,868 --> 00:05:43,334
I can only tell you
it worked for me.
123
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:46,868
How well did it
work for you?
124
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:50,234
Every 36 hours.
125
00:05:55,601 --> 00:05:57,267
Whoo!
126
00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,801
There he is.
127
00:05:58,801 --> 00:06:02,000
My little
Mount St. Helens.
128
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:09,567
Steve...
Hm?
129
00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,234
I think we should
go home now
130
00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:12,901
and go to bed.
131
00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:14,400
I don't know.
132
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,567
I don't really
feel like it.
133
00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:18,434
Come on, Steve.
Let's go.
134
00:06:18,434 --> 00:06:20,734
Well, if you're gonna
go to bed,
135
00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:23,234
I think I'll stay up
and watch some PBS.
136
00:06:23,234 --> 00:06:25,701
Al, what channel does PBS
come on in this neighborhood?
137
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:27,200
Thank you.
138
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,033
Did you talk
any sense into Al?
139
00:06:30,033 --> 00:06:31,901
I don't
think so, Patsy.
140
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,234
[CRUNCH]
141
00:06:42,534 --> 00:06:44,200
Isn't this over yet?
142
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,234
Almost. They're
cramming for finals.
143
00:06:51,534 --> 00:06:55,067
Al, don't you think those girls
are a little skinny?
144
00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:57,868
You know, shouldn't a woman
have some meat on her bones?
145
00:06:57,868 --> 00:07:01,033
You have to have something
to grab onto.
146
00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:03,667
I don't know, Peg. A lot of guys
have been grabbing that one,
147
00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:06,367
and nobody's missed yet.
148
00:07:08,801 --> 00:07:13,467
PEG:
* I'm in the mood for... *
149
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:17,133
[GARGLING]
150
00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:18,968
* Love *
151
00:07:18,968 --> 00:07:23,801
* Bum, ba, da, dum
Da, da, da *
152
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:25,667
* Hmm
Ba, da, da... *
153
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:29,968
Al! Al, are you
coming up?
154
00:07:29,968 --> 00:07:31,501
AL:
In a minute.
155
00:07:31,501 --> 00:07:32,868
Okay.
156
00:07:32,868 --> 00:07:35,234
* Bum, ba, da, dum *
157
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,467
Ew.
158
00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:45,567
Al!
159
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:46,601
In a minute!
160
00:07:46,601 --> 00:07:50,133
* In a minute
Just a minute **
161
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,467
Bud, this could be
162
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:23,801
the end of life
as we know it.
163
00:08:23,801 --> 00:08:25,801
Oh, don't worry
about it, Kel.
164
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:28,267
If you think Dad's gonna
put up with this diet,
165
00:08:28,267 --> 00:08:31,501
they should've held you back
another grade.
166
00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:34,467
[CAR APPROACHING]
167
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:35,834
Oh, that's him.
168
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,501
Oh, wow! His sweat stains
are giant,
169
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:46,000
and he hasn't even
said hi to Mom yet.
170
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,300
This is gonna
be great.
171
00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:52,334
Hi, Dad. Hungry?
172
00:08:52,334 --> 00:08:54,400
Starving. I didn't
have time for lunch,
173
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,000
got caught
in a traffic jam,
174
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,701
and had to sit for 10 minutes
staring at a billboard
175
00:08:58,701 --> 00:09:01,100
of the best looking burger
on the rope I've ever seen.
176
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:02,868
Let's eat.
177
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:04,033
Hi, hon.
178
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:05,934
Hi, Al. I made
something different.
179
00:09:05,934 --> 00:09:07,067
I don't care.
180
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:09,267
Just slide it in front of me,
and plenty of it.
181
00:09:09,267 --> 00:09:11,734
Okay. Here it comes.
182
00:09:13,534 --> 00:09:15,367
I'll just skip
the salad.
183
00:09:15,367 --> 00:09:16,534
Let's just eat, okay?
184
00:09:16,534 --> 00:09:17,701
That's dinner, Al.
185
00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:19,200
You've got
your riboflavin,
186
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,067
folacin, iron and magnesium,
all right there.
187
00:09:24,534 --> 00:09:27,334
Come on, Peg.
Where's my food?
188
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,501
That's it, Al.
189
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,868
You finish that,
190
00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:33,300
and you can have a granola bar
for dessert.
191
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:37,033
Ooh, beats the heck out of the
pie we usually have, huh, Dad?
192
00:09:37,033 --> 00:09:38,901
Okay, Peg.
What did I do?
193
00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:40,400
Nothing.
It's good food.
194
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,834
It's going to make us
much healthier
195
00:09:42,834 --> 00:09:44,367
and much more energetic.
196
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:45,367
Try it.
197
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:47,534
Sure.
198
00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:56,334
Gee, you know,
you're right.
199
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:57,834
I doubted you,
200
00:09:57,834 --> 00:10:00,834
but I feel
a burst of energy coming.
201
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,534
Here it comes now.
202
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,601
Here comes another wave.
203
00:10:07,601 --> 00:10:10,334
What are you doing to me?
I work. I want food.
204
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:11,534
You know what food is?
205
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:13,200
It's hot stuff
you put in your mouth.
206
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,601
It smells good, you swallow it,
and you want more.
207
00:10:15,601 --> 00:10:17,000
That's what food is.
208
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,534
Al, the children are here.
209
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:19,901
Oh, I'm sorry.
210
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:26,868
Now, I'm gonna watch the news.
211
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,167
And when it's over,
212
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:30,300
I want some form
of dead animal on my plate.
213
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,834
MAN WITH FRENCH ACCENT:
And the melted cheese
marries itself
214
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:38,033
to the juices
of this succulent steak.
215
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:40,534
And I want
that dead animal
216
00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:42,300
to be succulent, Peg.
217
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:45,567
We have nothing succulent, Al.
I threw it all out.
218
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,400
You threw away my food?
219
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,634
That I love, that I pay for?
220
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:51,934
Kids, I think you ought
to go upstairs for a while.
221
00:10:51,934 --> 00:10:54,367
Mom, we would, but we
don't have the energy.
222
00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:55,901
Get upstairs!
223
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,200
You were saying
that you threw out my food?
224
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,868
Excuse me for trying to improve
the quality of our lives.
225
00:11:02,868 --> 00:11:05,067
You're excused.
Now, give me meat.
226
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:06,734
Al, I am going on this diet.
227
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,534
If you don't want to,
you don't have to.
228
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,634
I don't want to.
You're going on this diet.
229
00:11:10,634 --> 00:11:11,968
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
230
00:11:11,968 --> 00:11:13,601
Oh, no, I'm not.
Oh, yes, you are.
231
00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:14,667
I can't believe it.
232
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,567
This is all
just happening
233
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:18,067
because Mom
wants affection.
234
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:21,934
Then why doesn't she just go
to the mall, like you?
235
00:11:35,334 --> 00:11:36,467
You know...
236
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:39,767
this carrot is delicious.
237
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,767
Did you know that carrots
have a natural sweetness?
238
00:11:42,767 --> 00:11:45,634
It's much better
than what you're eating.
239
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:48,734
And this water here?
240
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:51,234
It comes
from a natural spring.
241
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:52,734
It is the perfect
complement
242
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:55,734
to the natural sweetness
of this carrot.
243
00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:59,167
I guess that's why
I feel so good.
244
00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,100
What do you kids
want for supper?
245
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:02,400
Pizza.
246
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,000
With meatballs.
247
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,367
I'm having grapefruit.
248
00:12:06,534 --> 00:12:07,901
With water.
249
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:10,567
Natural spring water.
250
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,701
Get out.
251
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:28,767
Hey, Luke.
252
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,100
Hey, Al.
253
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,968
Hey, Al, let me
ask you a question.
254
00:12:34,968 --> 00:12:37,000
If you came home at night
255
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,968
and found your wife
in bed with another guy,
256
00:12:38,968 --> 00:12:40,400
would you get mad?
257
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,100
I'd kill him.
258
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:43,534
Oh...
259
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:46,234
So I guess this guy
didn't overreact.
260
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:49,434
You look a little
peaked, Al, babe.
261
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:51,434
All-night romp
with the little lady?
262
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:52,834
More or less.
263
00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:55,200
She's been yelling at me
since 1:00 this morning.
264
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,968
Yeah, she's on
some stupid diet.
265
00:12:56,968 --> 00:12:58,667
I guess
it makes them moody.
266
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,300
Well, I can't
sympathize.
267
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:01,801
There's a shock.
268
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:05,534
See, I can eat whatever I want
and never gain a pound.
269
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:08,534
My body's great.
I can abuse it
270
00:13:08,534 --> 00:13:11,467
and it keeps
coming back for more.
271
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:13,701
Hey, you know what else
is great about me?
272
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:14,567
Shut up.
273
00:13:15,834 --> 00:13:17,834
Can someone
help me, please?
274
00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:18,934
Yes, miss.
275
00:13:18,934 --> 00:13:21,167
The modeling agency's
a few doors down.
276
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,801
Oh, no,
I'm not a model.
277
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,601
I just need shoes.
278
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,133
Ho, ho. My mistake.
279
00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:28,634
Let me help you.
280
00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:30,000
Sit right here.
281
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,601
Al! Al! Hi, uh...
282
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:38,133
Listen,
I haven't got much time.
283
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:40,033
I'm on my break.
284
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:43,200
Do you remember that movie we
were watching the other night?
285
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,334
Patsy: Portrait
of a Stewardess in Training.
286
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,033
Thank you.
Wait a second.
287
00:13:48,033 --> 00:13:49,701
I got to ask you
a question.
288
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:51,868
Look, I've only got
five more minutes on my break.
289
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:53,367
I gotta get
to the tape store.
290
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:54,701
This'll only
take a second.
291
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:57,234
Your wife
gave my wife a book.
292
00:13:57,234 --> 00:13:59,234
Now my life is hell.
293
00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:01,534
A-ha. Thinnergy.
294
00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,567
Yeah, that's the one.
Does Marcie hate me that much?
295
00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:05,234
Well, yes, Al, she does,
296
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:08,467
but that's not why
she gave Peggy the book.
297
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:09,901
It was to help you guys.
298
00:14:09,901 --> 00:14:11,067
And you are looking thinner.
299
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,400
I'm not on
the stupid diet.
300
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,834
Ooh, Al, you have to.
301
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:18,334
She can't go
through this alone.
302
00:14:18,334 --> 00:14:21,200
She needs support.
Your support, big guy.
303
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:26,701
If you were to try this diet
for even one week,
304
00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:28,701
you would show her
that you care.
305
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,634
Then if you were both on it,
306
00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:33,133
you could go
off it together.
307
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,968
Together is the key word, Al.
308
00:14:34,968 --> 00:14:38,467
So all I gotta do is starve
and be miserable for a week,
309
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:43,133
then my life will go back to
the normal hell it always was?
310
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,367
I firmly believe that, Al.
311
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:48,667
See, today's
woman is strong,
312
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:52,701
but now and then, even she
needs a little assurance.
313
00:14:52,701 --> 00:14:55,100
Hey, guys,
come here a second.
314
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,234
Sandy's on her way
to a job interview.
315
00:14:57,234 --> 00:14:59,100
She's a little
self-conscious.
316
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,701
Can you tell
she's not wearing a bra?
317
00:15:05,868 --> 00:15:08,100
No, I can't tell.
No.
318
00:15:13,534 --> 00:15:17,434
I can't believe he's been
on this diet two days.
319
00:15:17,434 --> 00:15:19,467
Yep. Two days, 10 fights,
320
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:22,667
and they haven't even
got to radish day yet.
321
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:26,267
KELLY:
I really hate
to see them like this.
322
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,767
Then why don't you try
and talk some sense into them.
323
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,267
They'll listen to you.
324
00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:31,367
Yeah.
325
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:33,133
That's worth a try.
326
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:38,033
Mom, Dad--
327
00:15:38,033 --> 00:15:40,234
[IN UNISON]
You're grounded.
328
00:15:41,868 --> 00:15:45,167
Well, I'm going out now.
See you, Kel.
329
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,667
I'm hungry too,
330
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,968
but you don't see me
biting anyone's head off!
331
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,300
More kale, dear?
332
00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:58,567
Did I ask
for more kale?
333
00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:01,300
More broccoli?
334
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,767
Did I ask
for more broccoli?
335
00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:07,567
You know, Al,
the book says
336
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,033
we're gonna go through
grouchy periods
337
00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:10,734
as the toxins
leave our bodies.
338
00:16:10,734 --> 00:16:14,234
Yours, of course,
has a longer trip than mine.
339
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,834
But anyway,
the book says
340
00:16:16,834 --> 00:16:18,801
that when we feel
an argument coming on,
341
00:16:18,801 --> 00:16:21,367
we are supposed to stop
and share a nice memory.
342
00:16:27,434 --> 00:16:28,601
Hey...
343
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:31,601
Remember that time
when we were dating,
344
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:33,601
and we
took that walk
345
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:35,968
on Oak Street Beach
at sunset?
346
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,200
The wind was blowing
through your hair,
347
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,767
and you got cold,
348
00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:45,567
so I gave you back
your jacket.
349
00:16:48,434 --> 00:16:50,434
And we fed
the pigeons...
350
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,434
and held hands.
351
00:16:52,434 --> 00:16:54,968
We watched
the moon come up.
352
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,801
Oh, yeah.
353
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,334
More kale, dear?
354
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:13,033
You wanna watch Carson?
355
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,634
It's a special show.
356
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,934
It's a repeat of his salute
to Charles Nelson Reilly.
357
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,634
Al, did I
ever tell you
358
00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:24,400
the sound of your voice
irritates the hell out of me?
359
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,133
No, honey, you didn't.
360
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:28,434
In that case, there's only
one thing I'll have to do.
361
00:17:28,434 --> 00:17:30,267
I'll just have
to shut up.
362
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:32,267
Yep, I'll just
have to be quiet,
363
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:34,300
because if there's one thing
I don't want to do,
364
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:35,667
it's irritate you.
365
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,667
Not my little Peggy.
366
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:39,167
Because
if she's irritated,
367
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:40,667
then I'm irritated,
368
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:43,667
and if she's unhappy,
then I'm unhappy.
369
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:46,534
Al, sweetie,
what's that song you hate?
370
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,100
Don't do it, Peg.
371
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:52,100
* See the tree
How big it's grown *
372
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:53,200
No, Peg, please.
373
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,934
* Friend,
It hasn't been too long *
374
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:56,667
* It wasn't big *
All right.
375
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,667
* I laughed at her
And she got mad *
376
00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:00,601
* The first day
That she planted it *
377
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,701
* It was just a twig *
378
00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,200
* And honey-- *
379
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,734
Ugh.
380
00:18:05,734 --> 00:18:08,567
* And honey
I miss you *
381
00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:10,734
* And I'm being good *
382
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:13,033
* And I'd love
To be with you *
383
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:15,300
* If only I could **
384
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,234
* I am woman
Hear me roar *
385
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,400
* In numbers
Too big to ignore *
386
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,067
* And I've gone
much too far-- **
387
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,567
All right! You win!
388
00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:30,167
It's a low blow,
but you win.
389
00:18:39,767 --> 00:18:41,767
* Dominique, nique, nique *
390
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:43,267
* Over land
She walks along **
391
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:44,767
Peg! You won.
392
00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:47,634
There's no need
to spike the ball.
393
00:18:50,701 --> 00:18:53,200
You've been acting
very snippy lately.
394
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,434
Have I?
395
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:57,234
Yep, and I think
I know what you need.
396
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,934
Oh, really?
Uh-huh.
397
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:02,467
Something that always
makes you feel better.
398
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:05,701
Why don't you make
yourself comfortable?
399
00:19:05,701 --> 00:19:07,200
Right here.
400
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,701
That's right.
401
00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:10,567
Lie down.
402
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:14,601
I'll be right back.
403
00:19:16,033 --> 00:19:18,100
Don't go away.
404
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:22,434
[HUMMING]
405
00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:26,801
* In a minute *
406
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:28,133
* Just a min-- **
407
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,934
Close your eyes,
honey.
408
00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:52,534
Eat it!
409
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:54,067
Eat it all!
410
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,000
Eat it!
411
00:19:56,534 --> 00:19:59,067
Oh, Al,
that's disgusting.
412
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:01,901
Mmm.
413
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:06,534
Al, this is not
what I wanted.
414
00:20:06,534 --> 00:20:08,033
You ruined everything.
415
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:09,534
What do you mean,
ruined everything?
416
00:20:09,534 --> 00:20:11,000
Our lives
are already ruined.
417
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,267
Give me some of that.
418
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:13,467
Get your own.
419
00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:19,567
Peg, I don't know why
you went on a diet anyway.
420
00:20:19,567 --> 00:20:22,067
You don't need
to lose any weight.
421
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:24,067
I had to do something.
422
00:20:24,067 --> 00:20:26,567
You don't find me
attractive anymore.
423
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:27,934
So?
424
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:32,567
So? So you don't find me
attractive anymore?
425
00:20:32,567 --> 00:20:34,067
Oh, gee, Peg,
of course I do.
426
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,067
I think you're
great-looking.
427
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:39,067
Then why haven't we,
uh...you know?
428
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:41,567
It's been
a long time, Al.
429
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,067
Aw, honey.
That again.
430
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,234
Come here a second,
will you?
431
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:47,567
Let me
tell you something.
432
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,801
Now, just because I don't
go to bed with you
433
00:20:49,801 --> 00:20:52,033
doesn't mean
I don't love you.
434
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,534
I mean, let's face it,
435
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:58,534
even if you were beautiful
like that girl on TV,
436
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,400
I'd still ignore you...
437
00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:04,033
because you're my wife.
438
00:21:04,033 --> 00:21:06,033
Don't stiffen on me, Peg.
439
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:09,033
Let me tell you
what I mean.
440
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:11,667
You remember
that baseball glove
441
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,534
my dad gave me
when I was a little kid?
442
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:16,033
I loved that glove.
443
00:21:16,033 --> 00:21:19,033
Yeah, it's old,
and the web's loose,
444
00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:21,901
but it's special to me.
445
00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:26,801
That's how I feel
about you, Peg.
446
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:32,567
I may not tell you
all the time,
447
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:33,868
but I love you.
448
00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:38,067
I wouldn't do anything
to change you.
449
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:41,934
I think you're great
just the way you are.
450
00:21:48,067 --> 00:21:49,868
So is my glove.
451
00:21:51,501 --> 00:21:55,501
I'll have to take it out more
and play catch with Bud.
452
00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:58,400
Oh, I like that.
Oh, that feels good.
453
00:22:00,033 --> 00:22:02,901
Hey, remember the American
League play-offs last year?
454
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:09,534
You know, a lot of fly balls
were popping out of gloves
455
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:11,033
for home runs.
456
00:22:11,033 --> 00:22:14,901
I think it's because
the modern gloves are too big.
457
00:22:16,534 --> 00:22:19,534
That never would have
happened to Willie Mays.
458
00:22:19,534 --> 00:22:21,033
Know why?
459
00:22:21,033 --> 00:22:22,901
Willie had a small glove.
460
00:22:25,534 --> 00:22:27,901
Just like mine.
461
00:22:49,834 --> 00:22:52,701
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:22,467
Oh, God, the world
is ugly in the morning.
21
00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:23,968
Oh, Al.
It's our anniversary
22
00:01:23,968 --> 00:01:26,501
and the kids wanted
to fix us breakfast.
23
00:01:26,501 --> 00:01:28,000
Yeah, they're
great kids.
24
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,000
By the way,
happy anniversary.
25
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,000
Did you brush
your teeth this morning?
26
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,501
No. You?
27
00:01:34,501 --> 00:01:36,400
No.
28
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,701
Happy anniversary, honey.
29
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,267
I could eat a horse.
30
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,767
Me too.
I'm hungry.
31
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:44,767
I don't smell
anything cooking.
32
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:46,767
I don't see
anything cooking.
33
00:01:46,767 --> 00:01:48,868
I'm gonna go out
on a limb here--
34
00:01:48,868 --> 00:01:50,701
Nothing's cooking.
35
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,300
I bet they made
something ahead of time
36
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,100
and they're hiding.
37
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:57,467
[LOUDLY]
Ready to surprise us.
38
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:58,801
Oh.
39
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,968
I'm starving.
What's for breakfast?
40
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:02,467
Kids!
It's our anniversary.
41
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,901
I thought you wanted
to get up early
42
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:06,000
and fix us breakfast?
43
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,267
Oh, no.
Was that today?
44
00:02:08,267 --> 00:02:09,701
Uh-huh.
45
00:02:09,701 --> 00:02:11,400
I'm sorry.
46
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,400
Happy anniversary.
47
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,267
What's
for breakfast?
48
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:18,267
I'll fix us something.
What would you like?
49
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:21,267
I'd like some
fried eggs over easy,
50
00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:24,267
I'd like couple of pieces
of crisp bacon,
51
00:02:24,267 --> 00:02:26,767
I'd like a glass
of fresh juice, squeezed,
52
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:30,267
and I'd like a couple of pieces
of toast with jam.
53
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:31,667
Where's the Tang?
54
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,734
You are so immature.
55
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:42,667
Bud, stop playing
with your clothes.
56
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:46,534
Well anyway,
happy anniversary, dear.
57
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,100
Can you believe
it's been 16 years?
58
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,467
Yeah, they just
flew by.
59
00:02:51,467 --> 00:02:54,801
Let's see,
now which one is the 16th?
60
00:02:54,801 --> 00:02:58,133
I know the 10th is tin.
61
00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,801
The 15th is crystal.
62
00:02:59,801 --> 00:03:01,467
What's the next one?
63
00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:02,634
Brimstone.
64
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:06,501
Gonna get me
a tie again?
65
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:07,734
Yeah.
66
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:09,100
Getting me shoes?
67
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,234
Yeah.
68
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:11,567
From your store?
69
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:12,901
Yup.
70
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:16,033
Why don't we just forget
about presents this year?
71
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:17,400
Fine with me.
72
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,033
I mean, after all, anniversaries
are about being together.
73
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,267
Yeah, you're right.
74
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:22,767
I'll come home tonight.
How's that?
75
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,801
Yeah, I'll be here,
you'll be here,
76
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:28,200
the TV will be here.
77
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,901
Let's not make a big deal
about it this year, all right?
78
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:32,968
Yeah. We don't need
a bunch of silly presents
79
00:03:32,968 --> 00:03:35,467
to show we love
each other.
80
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,434
I know that I love you.
81
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:38,934
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
82
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:40,434
I said that I love you.
83
00:03:40,434 --> 00:03:43,334
I said yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got to get ready for work.
84
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:45,868
Listen, Al, since you're not
gonna get me a present,
85
00:03:45,868 --> 00:03:47,534
do you think you could
take my car
86
00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:48,868
and have a radio installed?
87
00:03:48,868 --> 00:03:50,534
Peg, I don't have the time.
88
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:52,868
Yeah, but I'm out all day long,
you know, running errands.
89
00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,667
What am I supposed
to listen to?
90
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,167
Your own
beautiful voice.
91
00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:59,033
If God didn't want
other people to hear it,
92
00:03:59,033 --> 00:04:00,968
he wouldn't
have made it so shrill.
93
00:04:00,968 --> 00:04:02,901
I'm going
to take a shower.
94
00:04:02,901 --> 00:04:04,501
Yeah, I gotta do the laundry.
95
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:06,734
When you do the laundry,
you use all the hot water.
96
00:04:06,734 --> 00:04:09,601
If God had wanted you
to have hot water,
97
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:12,534
he wouldn't have
given me laundry.
98
00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:17,000
Dad, are you really not
gonna get Mom a present?
99
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:21,434
Whoo, bad move.
No matter what she says,
100
00:04:21,434 --> 00:04:22,834
if you don't
get her a present,
101
00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:24,400
you're gonna break her heart.
102
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,234
Yeah. Then she'll
take it out on us.
103
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:30,501
Dad, even Meg's father got
her mom an anniversary present,
104
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:32,367
and he shot at her.
105
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,000
This is a secret.
And I mean a secret.
106
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,501
I am getting
your mom a present--
107
00:04:39,501 --> 00:04:41,501
One of those
expensive watches
108
00:04:41,501 --> 00:04:43,934
she's always
harping about.
109
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:46,968
Oh, Dad, that's great. She'll
love it, you're the greatest.
110
00:04:46,968 --> 00:04:48,968
Yeah, but listen, don't say
a word to your mother.
111
00:04:48,968 --> 00:04:50,767
Because I want this to be
a surprise, understand?
112
00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:51,968
Not a word.
113
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:53,934
Right, Dad.
114
00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:59,467
Oh, Mom, guess what?
115
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,033
Dad's getting
you a great watch.
116
00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:05,934
That is supposed
to be a surprise, butthead.
117
00:05:05,934 --> 00:05:07,367
It's one of those
expensive ones
118
00:05:07,367 --> 00:05:08,367
that you're always
harping about.
119
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,067
Ohh...
120
00:05:10,067 --> 00:05:12,868
What a sweet man.
121
00:05:14,234 --> 00:05:18,267
Yeah, that sweet man
would get me a great gift,
122
00:05:18,267 --> 00:05:20,834
and I'll be sitting there like
a jerk with nothing for him.
123
00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:24,267
Well, I'm gonna go out
and get him something.
124
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:26,634
What is it
he's really wanting?
125
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:28,801
That blond
down the street.
126
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:32,634
Did he tell you that?
127
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:34,033
No, I just
assumed it
128
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,434
by the way
he bites his fist
129
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:38,834
whenever he
drives by her house.
130
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:40,567
He's just kidding
when he does that.
131
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:43,133
Excuse me. One second.
132
00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:47,534
AL:
Aah!
133
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:52,000
Oh, I'm just kidding
when I do that.
134
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,801
You kids go ahead
and get ready for school.
135
00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:57,100
AL:
Aah!
136
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
137
00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:01,601
Sorry, Al.
I had a huge load of laundry.
138
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,033
Happy anniversary!
Happy anniversary!
139
00:06:09,033 --> 00:06:11,167
Ohh, how thoughtful!
140
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:14,400
Look, we even put your name
on the label.
141
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,767
Oh, that's too bad.
142
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:18,000
It would have been nice gift
for us to give somebody,
143
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,567
but thanks anyway.
144
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,067
So...
145
00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:25,267
I guess you guys have
a big evening planned, huh?
146
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:26,767
Oh, pretty much.
147
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:29,100
I'll fix dinner.
We'll exchange presents.
148
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,968
Then he'll watch
midget wrestling.
149
00:06:30,968 --> 00:06:33,000
Ooh. What time
does it come on?
150
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,601
Steve! We hate wrestling.
151
00:06:35,601 --> 00:06:38,534
I know. I just
want to know
152
00:06:38,534 --> 00:06:42,167
how late midgets
got to stay up.
153
00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:43,167
Now, Peggy...
154
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:46,067
This is a special
night for you.
155
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:47,868
And you shouldn't
spend it cooking.
156
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:50,367
Listen. I know
a great caterer.
157
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,167
Let them do the work.
158
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:53,367
A caterer?
159
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:56,334
Yeah. We use them
for all our anniversaries.
160
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:58,467
The first day we met.
161
00:06:58,467 --> 00:06:59,868
First day we kissed.
162
00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:02,467
The first day
we went out.
163
00:07:02,467 --> 00:07:04,734
The first day
we stayed in.
164
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,767
The first day
you brought me flowers.
165
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:08,367
The first day you
talked dirty to me.
166
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:09,367
I love you, Steve.
167
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:10,901
I love you too,
Marcie.
168
00:07:16,901 --> 00:07:18,267
Do they make veal?
169
00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:21,868
Here we are, sir.
170
00:07:21,868 --> 00:07:23,567
Oh, I think my wife
would like that.
171
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:25,767
I think she will too,
it's a very nice frame and--
172
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:28,734
I'm Al Bundy. I called
about that expensive watch.
173
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:30,734
Ah, yes.
174
00:07:30,734 --> 00:07:32,267
Here you are, sir.
175
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:33,767
It's my last one.
176
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,767
Well, wrap it up, and...
177
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,634
Leave the price tag on.
178
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:40,601
Well, yes, sir.
179
00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:43,133
Will that be
cash or charge?
180
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:44,934
Charge, and, uh...
181
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:47,133
Don't get cute
with my carbons.
182
00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:52,367
Wait a second.
I was here first.
183
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:54,234
Yeah. So were
the Indians.
184
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:57,033
See, I'm in sales myself.
185
00:07:57,033 --> 00:07:59,033
I know how
these guys think.
186
00:07:59,033 --> 00:08:01,868
They see me,
they see a big commission.
187
00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:04,300
They see you,
they see me.
188
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:06,467
Well, if you're in sales
you should know
189
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:08,601
each customer counts
as much as the next.
190
00:08:08,601 --> 00:08:11,200
Yeah right, that's why he let
me butt right in front of you
191
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,534
like you were never born.
192
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,434
What's that?
193
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:17,033
It's an anniversary
present for my wife.
194
00:08:17,033 --> 00:08:18,400
You gonna get that?
195
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,400
Yeah.
196
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,601
How many years
you been married?
197
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,734
One.
198
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:24,734
Well, see, that explains it.
199
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:27,133
See, you're obviously new
to the married game.
200
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,467
Let me help you out.
201
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,901
See, the first thing I learned
on my 16-year tour of duty
202
00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:35,234
was that women
live for presents.
203
00:08:35,234 --> 00:08:37,534
Now you take the most ornery
woman in the world.
204
00:08:37,534 --> 00:08:39,801
We'll call her...Peggy.
205
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:43,968
You bring
a crappy present home,
206
00:08:43,968 --> 00:08:47,667
like, uh...
that picture frame,
207
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:50,534
and your life
will be a living hell.
208
00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:52,567
Well, my wife
and I agreed
209
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:55,434
we wouldn't spend too much
on our anniversary.
210
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:58,400
We decided we'd save our money
for more important things.
211
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,601
There is no more important thing
than your anniversary.
212
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:04,400
See, an anniversary
is something special.
213
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,200
It's not like
other holidays
214
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,501
when other people
are celebrating too.
215
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:10,701
It's just between
the two of you.
216
00:09:10,701 --> 00:09:13,801
See, it's a day
when you can show
217
00:09:13,801 --> 00:09:16,501
how you feel the rest
of the year,
218
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:19,167
but you don't,
because you're a man.
219
00:09:20,968 --> 00:09:22,634
That's beautiful.
220
00:09:22,634 --> 00:09:24,267
To know me is to love me.
221
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:29,133
Here comes
how I feel right now.
222
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,133
Sir, your card's
been rejected.
223
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:32,300
Why?
224
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:35,033
I don't care. Next.
225
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,534
Wait a second.
It's my anniversary.
226
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,968
Happy anniversary.
227
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,033
Next.
228
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,400
I'll take the watch.
229
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:48,901
Wow, I wish I could make
stuff like that.
230
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:51,968
Maybe you can.
Would like to be a chef?
231
00:09:51,968 --> 00:09:54,467
No, I'd rather
be a man.
232
00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:06,367
Don't touch my rosin.
233
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:08,601
Don't ever touch my rosin.
234
00:10:08,601 --> 00:10:10,601
Sorry.
235
00:10:10,601 --> 00:10:12,534
Gee, you're kind of touchy.
236
00:10:12,534 --> 00:10:14,534
Kind of like a clown
at a birthday party.
237
00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:17,234
Yeah? You ever see
a clown do this?
238
00:10:17,234 --> 00:10:19,467
Ow!
239
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:20,634
Bobo!
240
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:22,667
Shut up. I'm not
doing that anymore.
241
00:10:28,434 --> 00:10:29,734
Peggy.
242
00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:32,200
What a beautiful dress.
243
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,767
Thanks. I bought it
this afternoon.
244
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,133
I didn't really like it,
245
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:39,100
but I didn't feel like changing
back into what I had on.
246
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,701
We were just admiring
your wedding album.
247
00:10:41,701 --> 00:10:43,534
We videotaped
our wedding.
248
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:45,934
Of course, Polaroids
are nice too.
249
00:10:45,934 --> 00:10:47,501
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
250
00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:49,100
That's Daddy's car.
251
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:51,667
Okay, that's my watch.
Everyone hide, quick.
252
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:54,000
In there.
Go on, go on.
253
00:10:58,801 --> 00:11:01,334
Happy anniversary, honey!
254
00:11:01,334 --> 00:11:03,234
See what Steve
and Marcie sent us?
255
00:11:03,234 --> 00:11:05,033
Yeah, gee,
that's great.
256
00:11:06,634 --> 00:11:09,067
As long as I don't have
to put with them in person.
257
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,367
Surprise!
Surprise!
258
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:14,000
Happy anniversary!
259
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,734
Peg, I thought
we said no big deal.
260
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:17,133
Oh, it's not big deal.
261
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:19,634
It's just us and a few
of our closest friends.
262
00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:27,968
And a violinist.
263
00:11:27,968 --> 00:11:29,634
And a few others.
264
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:30,801
Time for presents.
265
00:11:30,801 --> 00:11:33,133
Peg, I thought
we said no presents.
266
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,200
Well, I know, but it's our
anniversary.
267
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,000
And I couldn't resist.
268
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,133
You didn't tell
your mom
269
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,968
I was gonna get
her a present, did you?
270
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,868
It was Kelly, Dad.
271
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:44,634
I know she's your daughter,
272
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:47,167
but I think she's got to go.
273
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:52,267
Okay, Mom and Dad,
open mine first.
274
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:54,567
You brought me
a present too?
275
00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:57,634
Sure, I wasn't gonna be the only
one here without a present.
276
00:12:04,033 --> 00:12:07,000
ALL:
Ooh.
277
00:12:09,634 --> 00:12:11,400
A picture frame.
278
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,834
Do you know
how much it cost?
279
00:12:12,834 --> 00:12:14,267
Yes, I do.
280
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,834
The perfect
anniversary gift.
281
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,767
Mine next.
282
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,267
Oh... A diary.
283
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:28,868
Yeah. It's Kelly's.
284
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:33,868
I heard you say you'd give
anything to take a look at it.
285
00:12:33,868 --> 00:12:35,701
You little wad!
286
00:12:35,701 --> 00:12:36,834
You thief!
287
00:12:36,834 --> 00:12:40,601
You little Nazi
fascist psychopath!
288
00:12:40,601 --> 00:12:42,200
Mom, can I have
that back please?
289
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,133
Of course, dear.
290
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:45,601
They're your
private moments,
291
00:12:45,601 --> 00:12:47,501
and Bud had
no right to take it.
292
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:51,834
It was a nice thought,
though, Bud.
293
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:54,767
You open wound!
294
00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:57,167
Here, we got you two
295
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,801
one of our favorite books.
296
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:02,100
My Partner,
My Wife, My Life.
297
00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:06,400
My God.
298
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,200
Well, that's all
for the presents.
299
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,467
Thank you very much.
300
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,834
Good night,
and drive safely.
301
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:13,567
No! It's my turn.
302
00:13:13,567 --> 00:13:16,267
Peg, were you here this morning
when we said no presents?
303
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:18,934
Oh, Al.
304
00:13:22,033 --> 00:13:23,300
Here!
305
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,067
Ohh.
306
00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:37,701
ALL:
Ooh!
307
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:43,501
The power tools
I've been wanting.
308
00:13:43,501 --> 00:13:45,801
Boy, it's going to be
tough to top this.
309
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:47,534
So why try?
310
00:13:47,534 --> 00:13:49,667
Good night, everybody!
311
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:51,501
We all know what
it's time for now.
312
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:53,934
Yeah, come on, Dad.
Whip out that watch.
313
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,000
[DOORBELL RINGS]
314
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,801
Ah! The door!
315
00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:00,567
Luke, you're here.
316
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:01,834
Look, everybody,
it's Luke,
317
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:03,033
and he doesn't
have a present,
318
00:14:03,033 --> 00:14:05,934
but we're not going to hold
it against him, are we?
319
00:14:05,934 --> 00:14:08,934
I'd have to be a pretty big
piece of scum
320
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:10,601
not to bring
a present.
321
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,667
You didn't have
to bring a present.
322
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:17,701
Yes, I did, Al.
Peg hates me.
323
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:22,667
Thank you, Luke.
324
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:26,100
Hey, Al, your daughter's
really blossomed.
325
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,400
Where's the eats?
326
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,567
Not now, Luke.
327
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:35,901
We still have one more thing
we have to do.
328
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,734
Yeah, Dad.
Get Mom's present.
329
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:39,234
Right. Right.
330
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:40,567
Uhh...
331
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,234
It's out in the car.
I'll go get it.
332
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,834
[ENGINE STRUGGLING]
333
00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:56,200
[ENGINE STRUGGLING]
334
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,067
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
335
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,334
Happy anniversary!
336
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:06,868
A can of motor oil.
337
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:07,968
40-weight.
338
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:09,100
And, uh...
339
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:13,400
A road flare.
340
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,968
Bless our happy home.
341
00:15:22,234 --> 00:15:23,801
You didn't
get her anything, huh?
342
00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:26,234
I tried to get her
a watch, but...
343
00:15:26,234 --> 00:15:28,467
Who is this guy?
344
00:15:28,467 --> 00:15:31,501
That's Bobo.
345
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:35,300
Peg, I tried
to get you the watch.
346
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,501
There was some kind of a mix-up
with the credit card.
347
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:38,834
I'll fix it tomorrow.
348
00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:41,033
Tomorrow is not
our anniversary.
349
00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:42,534
You're taking this well.
350
00:15:42,534 --> 00:15:45,501
Well, gifts aren't really
important, are they?
351
00:15:45,501 --> 00:15:46,767
The important thing
352
00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:49,000
is that you've been
together all these years.
353
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,567
Isn't that what anniversaries
are all about?
354
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:53,901
Steve, you would
never show up
355
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:55,968
without a present
for our anniversary, would you?
356
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:58,934
Of course not.
I care about you.
357
00:15:58,934 --> 00:16:02,300
CHEF:
Dinner is served!
358
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:05,434
Maybe we ought
to be getting on home.
359
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,801
Oh no, you don't.
I paid for this dinner,
360
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,267
and I'm going
to enjoy it.
361
00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,167
Now sit down.
362
00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:13,767
Nice going, Dad.
363
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:16,133
Yeah, Dad. Nice.
364
00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:25,667
You know, Peg,
I really tried--
365
00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:28,834
I don't want to hear
anymore about it.
366
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:29,834
Caviar, anyone?
367
00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:32,567
Bud, Kelly, Steve?
368
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:37,634
Marcie, Luke?
369
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:39,968
You know, Peg I tried
to get you the watch.
370
00:16:39,968 --> 00:16:40,968
It's not my fault.
371
00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:42,234
It's never your fault.
372
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:44,701
There's gotta be a reason.
I paid the bill.
373
00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:47,734
You were here, I sent the check
in a couple weeks ago.
374
00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:48,734
Give it up, Al.
375
00:16:48,734 --> 00:16:50,267
There's nothing wrong
with the card.
376
00:16:50,267 --> 00:16:54,934
I've used it to pay
for this dinner today...
377
00:16:54,934 --> 00:16:58,634
Including this caviar, which
you now have your elbow in.
378
00:16:58,634 --> 00:17:01,133
Well, there's gotta
be some reason.
379
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:02,901
I've got one.
You're cheap.
380
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:04,467
Yeah, but not today.
381
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:07,467
I mean, didn't the guy give you
a hard time about the card?
382
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:08,968
No, Al. Not at all.
383
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:11,133
Me, neither,
Daddy.
384
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:12,901
You paid with the
credit card too?
385
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:17,300
Of course, I wasn't
going to spend my allowance.
386
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,067
And Peg, sweetie,
387
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:22,601
those power tools
that cost a pretty penny,
388
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:25,567
was that pretty
penny plastic, Peg?
389
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:26,801
Of course it was, Al.
390
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:28,467
I see.
391
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:33,367
So I guess the dinner
and the presents...
392
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:39,434
Old Mr. Skinflint here kind of
paid for everything, didn't he?
393
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,334
In fact, the only thing
I didn't pay for
394
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:43,334
was my present to you,
and you wanna know why?
395
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:46,634
Because maybe you stuffed
the credit card so much,
396
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:50,067
that when I tried
to use it, it threw up.
397
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:51,801
Blecch!
398
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:56,434
No, no, no!
399
00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:59,534
Eat. Enjoy. Relax.
400
00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:01,033
I'd like
to thank everybody
401
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:05,234
for their understanding
in my hour of need.
402
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,434
I'm going
to take my tools,
403
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:08,434
which I paid for,
404
00:18:08,434 --> 00:18:10,868
and celebrate
in the garage,
405
00:18:10,868 --> 00:18:12,467
which I'm
still paying for.
406
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,734
Would you pass
the veal?
407
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:26,367
You know, Peggy,
408
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:27,534
as a woman,
409
00:18:27,534 --> 00:18:29,701
I never thought I would say
this to another woman,
410
00:18:29,701 --> 00:18:31,934
but you're totally wrong.
411
00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:34,767
I know.
412
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:35,901
Aren't you
going to apologize?
413
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:38,467
Well sure,
but not right now.
414
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:40,067
He won't be
expecting me yet.
415
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:44,033
See, this is where he likes me
to stew in my own juices.
416
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:46,634
Could you pass
the sauce?
417
00:18:46,634 --> 00:18:48,834
But you are going to tell him
you're sorry, aren't you?
418
00:18:48,834 --> 00:18:50,234
Ha! No.
419
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:52,334
You know, that's
the really nice thing about Al.
420
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:54,534
Whenever we have
a major argument,
421
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,300
he never makes
me apologize.
422
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:57,901
He always always
cuts me off right before
423
00:18:57,901 --> 00:19:00,400
I have to say the S-word.
424
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,968
It's sort of a shorthand.
425
00:19:01,968 --> 00:19:03,400
It comes
with 16 years of marriage.
426
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,367
Aw, honey, I hope that we grow
so close that I never have
427
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:07,801
to apologize to you.
428
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:08,834
Steve, you're interrupting.
429
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:10,467
I'm sorry.
430
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:22,734
And another thing,
where did you get that dress?
431
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:25,300
I've had this
for years.
432
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:29,501
You never notice
what I wear.
433
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:32,934
What are you
doing out here?
434
00:19:32,934 --> 00:19:35,334
You know.
435
00:19:35,334 --> 00:19:36,567
Look,
I didn't realize
436
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,534
that I put you
over your credit limit.
437
00:19:38,534 --> 00:19:40,133
That's just one
of those things that happen
438
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,567
when you charge
too much.
439
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:43,567
And?
440
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:46,067
And after all,
it's your money.
441
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,334
And?
442
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:48,834
And I don't work.
443
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:51,067
Feel free to cut me off here
anytime you like.
444
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,067
Not this time,
445
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:53,934
because I didn't
do anything.
446
00:19:53,934 --> 00:19:55,701
And I want to hear
you say it.
447
00:19:55,701 --> 00:19:56,934
What, Al?
448
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:59,801
It.
449
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:03,934
Come on, Al.
We both know I am.
450
00:20:03,934 --> 00:20:06,667
Am what, Peg?
451
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,567
It.
452
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:10,434
Very it.
453
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:14,367
You're
really serious.
454
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:15,801
Yep.
455
00:20:15,801 --> 00:20:18,501
You see, I thought I finally
saved up enough money
456
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:21,200
to get you a nice present
that you deserve.
457
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,534
I felt bad walking
in the house without it,
458
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:28,501
but it was worse thinking
you didn't think I tried.
459
00:20:31,067 --> 00:20:32,767
Yeah. You're right.
460
00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:33,968
You always
do try to do
461
00:20:33,968 --> 00:20:36,234
something nice
for our anniversary.
462
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:37,767
Mm-hmm.
463
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:40,801
And even if you hadn't tried
to buy me that watch,
464
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:42,968
if the 16 years
we've been together
465
00:20:42,968 --> 00:20:44,667
isn't enough to say
"I love you,"
466
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:48,200
well, what good would
a stupid watch do?
467
00:20:49,868 --> 00:20:51,667
Oh, Al.
468
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,701
I really--
469
00:20:52,701 --> 00:20:56,701
We're supposed
to get some rain.
470
00:20:59,868 --> 00:21:01,300
Would you like me
to make soup
471
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,067
for your lunch
tomorrow?
472
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:04,067
Naw, that's okay.
473
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,834
Last time I cut
my hand on the can.
474
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:13,667
You know, I really did, feel bad
about not getting your present.
475
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:16,434
So, I thought of a present
I could get you
476
00:21:16,434 --> 00:21:18,467
that you didn't have
to put on a credit card.
477
00:21:18,467 --> 00:21:21,601
No, not that.
478
00:21:21,601 --> 00:21:24,534
No, because after all,
I wasn't wrong in this.
479
00:21:29,968 --> 00:21:32,968
Anyway, there it is.
480
00:21:32,968 --> 00:21:37,200
Oh, gee, you tore up
my dashboard. Thanks.
481
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,467
Yeah, but look where
the dashboard used to be.
482
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:41,968
Oh, a radio!
483
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:44,901
Yeah, I took it out of my car
and put it in yours.
484
00:21:44,901 --> 00:21:46,968
Happy anniversary.
485
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,400
That's so sweet.
486
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,701
I fixed the bass control so
it doesn't vibrate your tush.
487
00:21:54,701 --> 00:21:58,968
Actually,
I kind of like that.
488
00:21:58,968 --> 00:22:04,634
Oh, Al, I can't tell you
how much this means to me.
489
00:22:04,634 --> 00:22:06,400
What's that thing
on the front seat?
490
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,734
Oh, that's your
air conditioner.
491
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:14,901
Hey, listen, you know,
we haven't been alone all day.
492
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:18,000
Want to sit out here and listen
to the oldies station?
493
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,701
Yeah, sure.
494
00:22:21,033 --> 00:22:24,300
* Aha, aha
War! Hooh! *
495
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:25,601
Our song!
Our song!
496
00:22:25,601 --> 00:22:27,801
* What is it good for? *
497
00:22:27,801 --> 00:22:29,334
*Absolutely
Nothing *
498
00:22:29,334 --> 00:22:30,934
* Say it again, y'all *
499
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:33,300
* War! Hooh!
Look out *
500
00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:36,067
* What is it good for? *
501
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:38,801
* Absolutely nothing
Listen to me *
502
00:22:38,801 --> 00:22:43,300
* Ahh War! I despise *
503
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:46,067
* 'Cause it means
Destruction **
504
00:22:48,567 --> 00:22:50,501
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:19,067
GAME SHOW HOST:
And for $100, name the chief
export of the United States.
21
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:20,501
Wheat.
22
00:01:20,501 --> 00:01:21,701
WOMAN:
Machinery.
23
00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:23,067
Machinery is correct.
24
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:25,234
Now, which state produced
the most U.S. presidents?
25
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:26,234
Illinois.
26
00:01:26,234 --> 00:01:27,234
Virginia.
27
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:28,501
Virginia is correct.
28
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:30,334
Which side of the brain
29
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:31,901
controls
analytical thinking?
30
00:01:31,901 --> 00:01:32,901
The right.
31
00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:33,901
The left.
32
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:35,400
The left is correct!
33
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,701
And we'll be right back after
this brief commercial message.
34
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,033
MAN:
Hey, America.
35
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,067
Who do you call when
you don't want to cook?
36
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,334
Ahab's.
37
00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:45,167
Ahab's is correct.
38
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,601
Yes. Ahab's
for fish and fowl.
39
00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:48,934
Yes, opening soon
40
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:51,033
in an economically
depressed area near you.
41
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:52,467
[CAR APPROACHING]
42
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:53,534
Daddy's home. Come on.
43
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,901
Hi, honey. How was your day
at the shoe store?
44
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,267
I'll tell you
something, Peg.
45
00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:05,968
Feet and the return
of warm weather
46
00:02:05,968 --> 00:02:08,434
sure makes for
a deadly combination.
47
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:12,534
Well, you knew that
going in, Al.
48
00:02:12,534 --> 00:02:15,133
Yeah. My back is so tight.
49
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,467
I wish I had
somebody to rub it.
50
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:20,968
Like a wife.
51
00:02:22,834 --> 00:02:24,801
Hey, there's one now!
52
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,400
How about my back?
53
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,968
You know, Al, I work hard
all day too.
54
00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:32,300
Yeah? Doing what?
55
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:37,801
Ahh!
56
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,100
Ohh, that feels good.
57
00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,434
How good?
58
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:52,367
Where are the kids?
59
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:53,467
Upstairs.
60
00:02:53,467 --> 00:02:55,334
What if they come down?
61
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:56,767
I'll take care of that.
62
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,000
Bud, Kelly!
63
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,868
You want to come down
and help me in the kitchen?
64
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,434
[DOORS SLAM]
65
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,868
There. That should
buy us about 10 minutes.
66
00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:09,434
Seven more
than we'll need.
67
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:14,934
Where were we?
68
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:19,000
We're here, Bundy!
69
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:23,734
Bundy, Bundy,
don't you know
70
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:26,467
you shouldn't leave
your door unlocked?
71
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:29,868
It's an invitation
to intruders.
72
00:03:29,868 --> 00:03:31,901
What are they
doing here?
73
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:34,968
They're the neighborhood watch.
I invited them.
74
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:36,434
To watch this?!
75
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,367
Uh, hi, Peggy. Al.
76
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,634
I hope we're not
interrupting anything.
77
00:03:42,634 --> 00:03:45,734
Nah. Just gonna have
a little sex with the wife.
78
00:03:48,868 --> 00:03:51,267
What the heck.
There's always next month.
79
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:54,734
Our house was robbed
this afternoon.
80
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:58,033
Gee, that's too bad.
You wanna hand me my shirt?
81
00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:00,267
What did
they steal?
82
00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:02,000
Mostly small stuff.
83
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,501
Our radio,
Marcie's earrings,
84
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,501
our cameras,
our answering machine.
85
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,868
God only knows
who called.
86
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,334
Well, at least they didn't
take anything valuable.
87
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:13,734
Yeah, this time.
88
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:15,400
But I know how
these vermin think.
89
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,734
They take your little crap,
90
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:19,934
then come back later with
a truck for your big crap.
91
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:21,934
Not gonna happen
in my house.
92
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:23,234
I'm ready for them.
93
00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:25,868
I got 50,000 volts going
through my window bars.
94
00:04:25,868 --> 00:04:29,467
I got a bucket of battery acid
hanging over the back door
95
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:32,334
and I got a .30-aught-6
rigged to the front doorknob.
96
00:04:32,334 --> 00:04:34,300
How do you get into
your house?
97
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,133
Wouldn't you
like to know?
98
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:40,067
Now, the question
before us is:
99
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:42,801
What are we gonna
do about it?
100
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:45,200
I say we hunt
the scum down,
101
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,567
and then we run them over
with our cars.
102
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,434
Then we get out
these fishhooks--
103
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:50,434
Marcie!
104
00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:51,501
I'm sorry.
105
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,634
I don't know
what came over me.
106
00:04:54,634 --> 00:04:56,834
It's just that
I feel violated.
107
00:04:56,834 --> 00:04:58,701
Someone's been in my home,
in my bedroom.
108
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,167
I feel so helpless.
109
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:04,334
We'd all feel helpless
in your bedroom, Marce.
110
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:06,434
You got
any more beer?
111
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:07,634
No.
112
00:05:07,634 --> 00:05:10,634
And in all the excitement,
I forgot to ask--
113
00:05:10,634 --> 00:05:13,534
Why are you meeting
in my house?
114
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:16,667
Because our wives
didn't want you in ours.
115
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:20,033
Hi. Did I
miss anything?
116
00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:23,067
You want me
back on my wife?
117
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:24,434
Not on my account.
118
00:05:24,434 --> 00:05:26,501
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry you got robbed.
119
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:28,100
It wasn't me.
It was them!
120
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,501
Yeah, it was you.
121
00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:31,234
Somebody smashed
your car windshield,
122
00:05:31,234 --> 00:05:32,467
stole your radio,
123
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:35,067
and wrote "wash me"
on your hood.
124
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:37,267
My car!
They stole my radio?
125
00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:39,100
Hey, Bundy.
The thieves have a point.
126
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,734
You really ought
to wash your car.
127
00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:42,501
Get out!
128
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,968
Out! Out!
129
00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:48,000
Pretend there's a keg
on the lawn.
130
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:48,968
Out! Out!
131
00:05:52,634 --> 00:05:55,501
I can't believe
they stole my radio
132
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:57,367
right in front
of my house!
133
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:58,834
I know how you feel.
134
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:01,434
If you did, Steve,
you wouldn't be touching me.
135
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:03,868
Maybe we should
get more involved
136
00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:05,467
with the
neighborhood watch.
137
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:07,901
Look. You can't depend
on anybody but yourself.
138
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,567
I've put this off long enough.
139
00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,267
I'm buying a gun.
140
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:12,968
A gun is not the answer.
141
00:06:12,968 --> 00:06:15,467
You can't curtail
the criminal element
142
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,367
by sinking
to their level.
143
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:19,467
Oh, excuse me,
Miss Let's-run-them-over
144
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:21,567
and-get-out
the-fishhooks.
145
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,901
I was upset.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
146
00:06:23,901 --> 00:06:25,901
Yes. She wasn't
using the left,
147
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:27,601
or analytical,
portion of the brain.
148
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:33,067
I'm definitely
getting a gun.
149
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,767
And I'd advise you
to do the same.
150
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,868
Now, come on. There's got
to be a more humane way
151
00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:39,767
to protect our home
and possessions.
152
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:40,901
There is.
153
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,534
We'll get a dog.
A good watch dog.
154
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:46,734
A dog. That's a great idea.
I've got a dog.
155
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:49,400
Buck, look!
Strangers in the house!
156
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,501
Kill them, Buck.
Go kill them!
157
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,667
Whoa, big fella.
158
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:57,400
I don't mean
a stupid dog.
159
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,968
I'm talking
about a real dog.
160
00:06:59,968 --> 00:07:01,434
A guard dog.
161
00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:02,434
A Doberman.
162
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:03,934
Steve,
first thing tomorrow,
163
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:07,367
we're going to one of
those deadly doggy places.
164
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:09,467
Yes, Al, because
we're against guns
165
00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:11,968
and the violence
they stand for.
166
00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:13,968
That's right. A dog.
167
00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:16,601
A vicious dog
with sharp teeth
168
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:18,534
that will go
through a jugular
169
00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:21,467
like a hot knife cutting through
butter on a warm, summer night--
170
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:22,801
Come along, dear.
171
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:25,434
So that the next guy who tries
to get in my bedroom uninvited
172
00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:28,000
will walk out
on bloody stumps.
173
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,701
[DOG BARKS]
174
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,601
When was the last time
you called
175
00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:34,734
to complain
about the dog?
176
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:37,167
Yesterday. But Marcie
said to stop calling.
177
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,000
She said the ringing
makes him bark.
178
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,267
Everything
makes him bark.
179
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:43,000
Hey, Dad, it's been
two weeks,
180
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,234
and you haven't even
let me see the gun yet,
181
00:07:45,234 --> 00:07:47,100
let alone pick off
a pigeon or two.
182
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,567
Bud, guns are not toys.
They are lethal weapons
183
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:53,567
and should only be handled
by responsible adults.
184
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:55,801
When Dad was practicing
his quick draws
185
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:57,400
at the TV
during Donahue--
186
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,467
Bud, number one,
shut up.
187
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:01,801
Number two,
it was Phil's salute
188
00:08:01,801 --> 00:08:05,033
to the Huge and Fat
Women's Caucus.
189
00:08:05,033 --> 00:08:07,968
Number three, there
were no bullets in the gun.
190
00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:11,000
Your mother took them out
and hid them for safety reasons,
191
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,567
and she won't tell me where.
192
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:13,767
Guns, guns, guns.
193
00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:16,434
Can't anyone talk
about me for a change?
194
00:08:16,434 --> 00:08:19,534
Okay, Kelly.
Where were you last night?
195
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:22,801
So, Dad, what kind
of gun did you buy?
196
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
197
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,501
[DOG BARKS]
198
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:26,601
Coming!
199
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,868
Hi, Peg.
200
00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:37,467
Borrow
a cup of kibble?
201
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:40,434
We ran out, and
the dog's still hungry.
202
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:41,667
What's the matter?
203
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:44,467
The neighbor's cat
didn't fill him up?
204
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:47,601
That cat was
taunting him, Al.
205
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:50,133
Gee, you two
look cute.
206
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:54,367
I can't get Al
to dress unisex at all.
207
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,067
This is protective gear.
208
00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:57,968
You see, Bella still
hasn't accepted us
209
00:08:57,968 --> 00:08:59,501
as his rightful owners.
210
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:02,167
You named that dog
after Bela Lugosi?
211
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,400
No. Abzug.
212
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,033
We thought
it was kind of cute.
213
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:10,000
But he won't
wear the hat.
214
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,601
Oh, listen Al,
by the way,
215
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:14,400
we want to apologize
about your fence.
216
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,767
What happened
to my fence?
217
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:16,968
Bella ate
through it.
218
00:09:16,968 --> 00:09:18,501
Wow!
219
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:19,834
It was just
a little piece.
220
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:21,200
Yeah, not much, really.
221
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,601
About the size
of a human face.
222
00:09:23,601 --> 00:09:26,601
Rhoades, what are we
going to do about this?
223
00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:29,133
Look, we'll handle this
the same way
224
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,634
we dealt with
the cat incident.
225
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:33,634
Get estimates,
and we'll make it good.
226
00:09:33,634 --> 00:09:36,100
Look, we know Bella
can be loud and annoying,
227
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:39,000
and the whole neighborhood
hates his guts,
228
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,834
but at least
he's a good protector.
229
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,901
Gee, Mom, that's just
what you say about Dad.
230
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:48,801
Mount up! They just
hit the Johnsons.
231
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:50,501
TV and major appliances.
232
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:53,501
We're meeting
at the Bowl and Brew
233
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,100
to calm
ourselves down.
234
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,501
Ha! See that!
235
00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:58,501
They didn't
hit our place.
236
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:02,200
That's what a good dog
will do for you.
237
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,033
Come on.
Grab the meal and the mace.
238
00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:07,367
It's time
to feed our doggy.
239
00:10:08,634 --> 00:10:10,534
[SNORING]
240
00:10:15,601 --> 00:10:17,501
[GLASS BREAKS]
241
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:18,834
[SNORING]
242
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,534
Peg, did you
hear that?
243
00:10:23,534 --> 00:10:26,901
How could I hear anything
the way you snore?
244
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:29,634
[THUMP]
245
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:31,167
What was that?
246
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:32,534
I don't know.
247
00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:33,534
[GLASS BREAKS]
248
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:35,534
Don't worry.
I'll go check.
249
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:37,033
No, Al!
Call the police.
250
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,067
For noise?
251
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:41,033
It might be a burglar.
Call the police.
252
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:44,901
I can't.
Kelly's on the phone.
253
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,968
What are you doing?
254
00:10:47,968 --> 00:10:49,234
Getting my gun.
255
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,100
You gonna tell me
where you hid the bullets,
256
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,634
or are you gonna wait
till the kids
257
00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:53,767
see our pictures
in the paper?
258
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,567
Come on, Al.
I had to hide the bullets
259
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,067
so Bud wouldn't find them.
260
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:58,133
Where are they?
261
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,033
They're in
the finger holes
262
00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:01,767
of your new
bowling ball.
263
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,534
Oh, this is real easy, Peg.
264
00:11:06,534 --> 00:11:08,734
This is much better
than keeping them handy.
265
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:12,767
Even an axe-wielding maniac
deserves an even break.
266
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:14,067
Hurry, Al!
267
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:15,868
Where's Buck?
Shouldn't he be barking?
268
00:11:15,868 --> 00:11:17,067
I don't know.
269
00:11:20,734 --> 00:11:23,501
You shiftless,
worthless, dirty...
270
00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:38,167
Peg, stay at the top
of the stairs.
271
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,868
If anything happens,
272
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:41,767
get the kids,
lock yourself in a room.
273
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:45,267
And if Kelly's off the phone,
call the police.
274
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,133
[RUSTLING]
275
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:50,801
It's coming
from the patio.
276
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:51,934
Oh, be careful.
277
00:11:51,934 --> 00:11:52,834
I will.
278
00:12:05,033 --> 00:12:05,934
Aah!
279
00:12:17,434 --> 00:12:19,767
Okay, creep!
I see you!
280
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:22,367
Freeze,
or I'll shoot!
281
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,133
[GUNSHOT]
282
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,901
Oh, my God! Al! Al!
283
00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:28,267
Oh!
284
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,067
Al, are you
all right?
285
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,167
Yeah.
286
00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:34,667
What happened
out there?
287
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,167
I just shot Steve
and Marcie's dog.
288
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,634
How could you
shoot a dog?
289
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:51,767
He didn't look
like a dog, Peg.
290
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:54,467
All I seen were these
two yellow eyes
291
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:57,133
staring at me from the bushes
and I told him to freeze,
292
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:59,868
and then I thought it
made a move at me
293
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,567
and I panicked.
294
00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:04,267
You couldn't tell the
difference between a dog
295
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,901
and a human being?
296
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,701
He was wearing a hat.
297
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:11,968
Kelly, honey,
298
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:14,567
I was trying
to protect our family.
299
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:15,667
That's right.
300
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:17,467
Dad did a good thing.
301
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,634
Can I go out
and see the body?
302
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:20,934
You're disgusting.
303
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:24,200
And you're failing
five classes.
304
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,467
Hey, hey,
kids.
305
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,067
Listen to me.
306
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:30,033
We can all learn
something from this.
307
00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:31,133
What, Dad?
308
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:33,601
I don't know.
Go to bed.
309
00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:34,968
Aw, Dad!
310
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:36,467
I wouldn't argue
with him, Bud.
311
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,367
He's already
killed once tonight.
312
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,868
You were
very brave, Al.
313
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:43,133
Aww...
314
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:46,801
Wasn't anything
that anybody else
315
00:13:46,801 --> 00:13:49,200
with the heart of a lion
wouldn't have done.
316
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,534
I mean,
you should've seen me.
317
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:51,834
Yeah, I was
a little nervous,
318
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,934
but I got him right
between the eyes,
319
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:57,801
and I'll tell you, there's not a
lot of space between those eyes.
320
00:14:01,968 --> 00:14:04,367
It was
a nice shot, Al.
321
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,868
You want to go
upstairs?
322
00:14:06,868 --> 00:14:07,801
Yeah.
323
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,767
[DOORBELL RINGS]
324
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:15,934
You don't suppose
that's Steve and Marcie?
325
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:17,634
MARCIE:
Peggy, Al,
it's us!
326
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,934
It's them. What are you
gonna tell them?
327
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:22,400
I don't know.
But if they don't bring it up,
328
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,234
we don't bring it up.
329
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,467
Hey! Steve and Marcie.
330
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:32,968
What brings you two
crazy kids over here?
331
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:34,467
We heard a shot.
332
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,968
Peg, look who's here.
333
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:38,734
It's Steve and Marcie
from next door.
334
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:40,667
They heard a shot, Peg.
335
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,968
Are you going
to say anything tonight, Peg?
336
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:48,934
Uh...what was that
you came over here for?
337
00:14:48,934 --> 00:14:50,934
We thought we heard
a shot, Al.
338
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,934
They thought they
heard a shot, Peg.
339
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,634
Did you hear a shot?
340
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,734
Say something, Peg!
341
00:14:57,734 --> 00:15:00,234
I think if there
had been a shot,
342
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:02,634
their dog would have
started barking.
343
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:11,100
Look, guys, I'm really sorry
about that barking.
344
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:13,100
Oh, hey, forget
about that.
345
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,601
Listen, we're friends
and neighbors here.
346
00:15:15,601 --> 00:15:19,300
We're not gonna let some
stupid dog come between us.
347
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,801
Why isn't
Bella barking?
348
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:24,434
I haven't heard him
in a while.
349
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:26,067
Al, tell them.
350
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:27,100
Okay.
351
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,467
See...
352
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:33,467
I tell you,
I really love you guys.
353
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:36,334
Do you love me,
huh?
354
00:15:37,634 --> 00:15:39,133
Well...sure, Al.
355
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,467
You know...
356
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:42,501
Not really.
357
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:46,000
Tell them, Al.
358
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,934
I'm not going
to tell them anything
359
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:50,868
till they tell me
they love me.
360
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:52,400
What's
going on here?
361
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,567
All right.
362
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:54,901
Okay.
363
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:58,300
But you got to promise me
that you'll let me finish.
364
00:15:58,300 --> 00:15:59,767
Sure, Al.
365
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:01,968
I shot your dog.
366
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:04,801
I'm finished.
367
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,434
Bella!
368
00:16:09,434 --> 00:16:10,434
Is he...
369
00:16:10,434 --> 00:16:11,601
Alive?
370
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:12,767
Yes.
371
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:13,801
No.
372
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,267
Where is he?
373
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,267
He's out in my yard.
374
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:20,767
You can't miss him.
375
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,133
I didn't.
376
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,133
You stay here.
377
00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:27,734
I'm gonna check on Bella.
378
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:30,200
You shot my puppy.
379
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,701
Look, I'm sorry.
380
00:16:31,701 --> 00:16:33,667
We had a prowler
stalking our yard.
381
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:35,701
Your dog came
to my defense.
382
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:39,133
The burglar, he took a shot
at me, and I fired back
383
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,133
and poor Bella
got in the way
384
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,634
and was killed
in the crossfire.
385
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,634
We only heard one shot.
386
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:47,634
It was
a simultaneous exchange.
387
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,133
I don't know.
388
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,634
It happened so fast.
389
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,200
It's all a blur.
390
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,000
You shot my dog
391
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,868
in the middle
of a bowel movement?
392
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,667
Steve, is he
really dead?
393
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:11,834
Yes, dear.
394
00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:13,334
How do you know?
395
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:16,334
Number one, he didn't respond
to any of my commands.
396
00:17:16,334 --> 00:17:17,501
And number two,
397
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,701
his brains are
in the begonias.
398
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,267
You killer!
399
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,534
Anyone for cake
or coffee?
400
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:30,467
Now, listen.
I said that I was sorry.
401
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:32,133
Let me make it
up to you.
402
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:33,501
Let me get you
another dog.
403
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:35,200
For what,
target practice?
404
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,734
We told them not
to get a gun.
405
00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:40,667
We told you not
to get a gun.
406
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:43,200
But you had to go out
and be Mr. Macho.
407
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,300
Now you've taken
an innocent life.
408
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,567
Now, wait a second.
This is not a defense,
409
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,067
but that dog was
anything but innocent.
410
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,734
I mean, he bit you.
He ate a cat.
411
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,667
Given enough time,
he'd have robbed a bank.
412
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,334
How much you
want for him?
413
00:17:56,334 --> 00:17:58,133
$1,000.
414
00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:02,133
$1,000 for a dog
that just sat there
415
00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:04,934
and let me
shoot him?
416
00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:07,000
You want to
get off cheap,
417
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,467
next time,
go plug a squirrel.
418
00:18:08,467 --> 00:18:09,634
All right!
419
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,133
Forget the money.
420
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:14,000
You know what I want?
421
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,000
Yes, I do,
and you're too late.
422
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,133
Peg's already got him.
423
00:18:19,133 --> 00:18:20,634
Your gun, Al.
424
00:18:20,634 --> 00:18:22,801
Give me your gun.
425
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,334
All right!
426
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:27,334
I want to take it and throw it
in the Chicago river,
427
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:29,801
so it'll never
hurt anyone again.
428
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:30,901
Here.
429
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:37,367
And from now on,
we're just neighbors.
430
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:41,400
Now I know why we got
our house so cheap.
431
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:48,367
Well, that's done.
Where were we?
432
00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:50,167
We were going
upstairs...
433
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,334
Deadeye.
434
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:57,968
Well, all done.
435
00:18:57,968 --> 00:19:00,834
Old Bella's on his way
to the landfill.
436
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:08,033
It cost me $20 and a six-pack
for the garbage man.
437
00:19:08,033 --> 00:19:10,567
You'd think the dollar
I give him at Christmas
438
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,033
would be enough.
439
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:14,100
Yeah. Oh, by the way,
440
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,501
I washed
your killing clothes.
441
00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:17,501
Have a nice day,
honey.
442
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:18,868
[DOORBELL RINGS]
443
00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:27,667
Hi.
444
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,834
Hi, Al.
445
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,200
Uh, listen, uh...
446
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:33,000
Some words were said
last night,
447
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,501
and I just wanted you to know
we talked it over,
448
00:19:35,501 --> 00:19:38,000
and we understand
you didn't do it on purpose.
449
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,801
You didn't do it
on purpose, did you, Al?
450
00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:45,033
Steve,
I'm a pet owner myself.
451
00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:48,467
Anyway, we decided to let it go
and forgive you.
452
00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:49,968
Thanks, buddy.
453
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:53,968
So I guess if you'll just
give me Bella's body,
454
00:19:53,968 --> 00:19:56,968
we can forget
about the whole thing.
455
00:19:56,968 --> 00:20:00,234
We want to give him
a decent burial
456
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:03,234
you know, in our yard
under that big tree
457
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:05,234
where he did
his business.
458
00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:08,234
Except, of course,
for that last one.
459
00:20:08,234 --> 00:20:11,734
Gee, I don't know
what to say, Steve. Uh...
460
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:14,067
Yes, I do.
I can't let you do it.
461
00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,634
See, Peg and I
talked it over
462
00:20:15,634 --> 00:20:18,334
and we realized
that since I'm at fault,
463
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:19,734
I should handle
everything.
464
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:22,701
So let me take care
of all the arrangements, huh?
465
00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:24,501
Well, if it'll make
you feel better,
466
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:26,133
I guess that would
be all right.
467
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,367
Marcie will like that.
468
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:29,767
We'll do it tonight
after work.
469
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,133
See you then.
470
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:34,934
Thanks, big guy.
471
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:35,968
Oh, uh...
472
00:20:38,601 --> 00:20:40,267
Listen, uh...
473
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,767
Can you bury him
with this?
474
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,300
He really loved
this bone.
475
00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:51,234
Sure, buddy.
476
00:20:56,434 --> 00:20:57,601
Hey, Peg!
477
00:20:57,601 --> 00:20:59,100
I'm late for work.
478
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,601
Can I ask you
to do me a little favor?
479
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:04,267
[HUMMING "AMAZING GRACE"]
480
00:21:17,934 --> 00:21:19,200
How much
for the crate?
481
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,667
$150.
482
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:22,701
$150?!
483
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:25,567
Al, I didn't have time
to comparison-shop.
484
00:21:30,968 --> 00:21:33,801
Now I'd like
to say a few words
485
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:36,567
about the dearly
departed.
486
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:38,067
As you know,
487
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:42,067
Bella was more than a dog
to Marcie and me.
488
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:43,567
He was family.
489
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:45,567
One of us.
490
00:21:45,567 --> 00:21:47,067
Bella
will be missed,
491
00:21:47,067 --> 00:21:50,234
but his death
was not in vain.
492
00:21:50,234 --> 00:21:53,334
He taught us about
the value of life
493
00:21:53,334 --> 00:21:55,501
and that guns
and violence
494
00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:59,067
are not the answer
to society's ills.
495
00:22:00,534 --> 00:22:03,534
And we can take consolation
in the knowledge
496
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:07,534
that while he only lived
one year in dog's years,
497
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,534
he lived seven
in people years.
498
00:22:10,534 --> 00:22:12,934
[WHISPERING]
What a great job.
499
00:22:12,934 --> 00:22:15,167
I got to
hand it to you.
500
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,300
That box even
feels heavy enough
501
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,467
to have a dog in it.
502
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:21,534
What did you put
in there anyway?
503
00:22:21,534 --> 00:22:24,400
Some rocks and
your bowling ball.
504
00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:30,534
But knowing
that he's...
505
00:22:30,534 --> 00:22:31,868
right here...
506
00:22:31,868 --> 00:22:34,400
in the back yard,
507
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,534
where he was
so happy,
508
00:22:37,534 --> 00:22:41,434
makes us all feel
a little less grief.
509
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,033
[***]1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:08,334
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,868
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,868 --> 00:00:22,767
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:25,067
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,767
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,868
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:30,868 --> 00:00:33,534
* Without the other *
9
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,868
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:38,567
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:40,267
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,267 --> 00:00:42,534
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,534 --> 00:00:46,200
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:50,601
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:50,601 --> 00:00:55,767
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:59,234
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,234 --> 00:01:04,467
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:06,601 --> 00:01:08,267
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:10,400
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:26,367
Oh, Al, were you
watching Shane again?
21
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:28,734
Nah.
22
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:30,601
Phone company commercial.
23
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,200
It had this father
and his kid.
24
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,701
They were walking down
this country road,
25
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,601
or alley or something.
26
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,767
And they were
kicking this rock
27
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:44,968
or pine cone
or something,
28
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:48,767
and then the father was old,
and the kid was grown-up and...
29
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,767
He called him. Oh, man.
30
00:01:54,801 --> 00:01:57,934
You know, Peg, I wish Bud lived
far away, so I could call him.
31
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:02,701
How many beers did you
have tonight, Al?
32
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:04,334
I don't know.
33
00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:06,267
Kids grow up so fast.
34
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:09,567
Sometimes I don't think
we spend enough time with ours.
35
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:14,100
Have dinner with them,
touch them, kick things...
36
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,300
I miss that.
37
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:17,300
Bud!
38
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,934
Bud, come down here.
39
00:02:20,801 --> 00:02:21,968
What did I do, Dad?
40
00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:23,801
Nothing...
41
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:27,834
It's just that I don't get to
talk to you too much anymore.
42
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,634
How's the fourth grade?
43
00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:32,968
Fifth grade, Dad.
44
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:34,601
How about that, Peg?
45
00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:37,968
Bud, where are you
going tonight?
46
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:40,667
I'm going down the block
to Joey's house and watch TV.
47
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:42,200
That's fine.
Oh, uh, Bud?
48
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,834
Yeah, Dad?
49
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:46,100
If you're going to be late...
50
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,367
call.
51
00:02:54,033 --> 00:02:57,000
That's a moment
he'll always remember.
52
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,133
Hey, Al, let's go out tonight.
To a restaurant, or something.
53
00:03:00,133 --> 00:03:01,501
Aah!
54
00:03:01,501 --> 00:03:05,000
Come on. When we were dating,
we used to go out all the time.
55
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,033
Eating costs a fortune, Peg.
56
00:03:07,033 --> 00:03:10,200
Besides, we have
other expenses right now.
57
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,567
In a couple of years,
58
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,300
our kids are probably going
to want to go to college.
59
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:20,701
All right, where do you
want to go eat?
60
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,734
Oh, good.
61
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:22,834
[DOORBELL RINGS]
62
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,033
That must be Steve and Marcie
63
00:03:24,033 --> 00:03:25,434
I told them we'd eat with them.
64
00:03:25,434 --> 00:03:27,167
You just lost yourself
a meal, Peg.
65
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:29,033
Oh, Al.
66
00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:30,334
Hey, neighbors.
67
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:32,501
Ready to put on
the old feed bag?
68
00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:33,901
What do you feel like tonight?
69
00:03:33,901 --> 00:03:36,067
Japanese, Thai...
70
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,133
Moroccan?
71
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,167
Oh, Al only eats plain food.
72
00:03:39,167 --> 00:03:41,467
You know,
like burgers and pizza.
73
00:03:41,467 --> 00:03:43,300
Come on, Al.
Live a little.
74
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,601
You can't go through life
75
00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:46,133
ordering food
through a clown's head.
76
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:49,200
Oh, yeah?
77
00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:51,934
[YELLING]
Cook some food!
78
00:03:57,634 --> 00:03:59,267
Let's go out
to eat, honey.
79
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,100
Aw, what the hell?
I ain't paying for it.
80
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:02,868
That's my man.
81
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,467
[HORN HONKS]
82
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:06,234
Got a date. Got to run.
83
00:04:06,234 --> 00:04:07,267
Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
84
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:09,033
Hold it a minute!
85
00:04:09,033 --> 00:04:11,133
Some guy honks his horn,
you come running?
86
00:04:11,133 --> 00:04:12,434
I want to meet him.
87
00:04:12,434 --> 00:04:14,200
You can't.
88
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,634
Roger doesn't meet parents.
89
00:04:15,634 --> 00:04:17,067
It's his policy.
90
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,067
Roger sounds like
a very nice boy,
91
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:20,901
but I think
I'll meet him anyway.
92
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:22,534
By the way,
what's his last name?
93
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:24,734
I don't know.
94
00:04:24,734 --> 00:04:27,133
But don't make him drive off,
because I love him.
95
00:04:29,534 --> 00:04:31,133
Maybe I better go out there
96
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:32,801
and make sure Al
doesn't do anything stupid.
97
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,200
This is so embarrassing.
98
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,300
I just know Dad's going
to misinterpret
99
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,133
the dog collar
around Roger's neck.
100
00:04:45,834 --> 00:04:48,267
I can't believe they've been
out there for over an hour.
101
00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:52,367
What could they be doing?
102
00:04:52,367 --> 00:04:55,400
It is a long time for two people
with nothing in common
103
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,501
to be spending together.
104
00:04:57,634 --> 00:04:59,167
But then again,
105
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:01,968
Steve went out to make sure
Al doesn't do anything stupid.
106
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,968
That could take a while.
107
00:05:06,534 --> 00:05:07,868
Can I go now, Dad?
108
00:05:07,868 --> 00:05:10,133
Sure, honey. Go ahead.
109
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:12,367
Have a good time,
sweetheart.
110
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:14,334
Sure. I'll have a great time.
111
00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:18,901
The big windows at school
are probably smashed by now.
112
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,701
Al, we're starving.
113
00:05:20,701 --> 00:05:22,868
What were you two doing
out there for so long?
114
00:05:22,868 --> 00:05:26,200
Peg, we just outsmarted
a teenage boy.
115
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,334
We sure did.
116
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:29,234
Honey, you wouldn't
believe it,
117
00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:31,100
but underneath all that rust,
118
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:34,367
that kid was actually driving
a '65 Mustang.
119
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:36,167
That's what you were doing
for an hour?
120
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:38,200
Looking at a 20-year-old
rusted pile of junk?
121
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,968
No, of course not.
122
00:05:41,968 --> 00:05:42,934
We bought it.
123
00:05:45,534 --> 00:05:48,267
You made a major purchase
without consulting me?
124
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,667
It's a car, honey.
125
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:53,067
For us hombres,
right, Al?
126
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,667
You betcha, Steverino.
127
00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:59,767
Tell me...Steverino.
128
00:05:59,767 --> 00:06:03,501
Did it ever occur to you
that we don't need another car?
129
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:06,300
It's not just a car, honey.
It's a piece of history.
130
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:09,467
A 289 with dual carbs
and a pony interior.
131
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:12,334
Steve. Where did you learn
to talk like that?
132
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:15,567
Hey, come on, honey.
133
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:17,801
After all, I was a guy
before I met you.
134
00:06:22,634 --> 00:06:24,234
He was, honey.
Do you believe it?
135
00:06:26,234 --> 00:06:28,400
He had a Mustang
when he was in college.
136
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,567
I always wanted one,
but I could never afford it.
137
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:33,100
I hate to break this to you,
but we still can't.
138
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,634
Sure, we can.
139
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:39,133
The car we bought
is a total piece of junk.
140
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:40,567
Yeah. Besides, we split it.
141
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,367
We're going to restore it,
make it worth a lot of money...
142
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:44,968
And never sell it.
143
00:06:44,968 --> 00:06:45,968
Come on, Steve.
144
00:06:45,968 --> 00:06:47,534
Let's get out in that garage
145
00:06:47,534 --> 00:06:49,234
and strip the rust
off this baby.
146
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,033
Hey, what about taking us
to dinner?
147
00:06:51,033 --> 00:06:52,434
Yeah.
148
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,667
Honey, we can't afford
to eat out now.
149
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:56,968
We just bought a car.
150
00:07:01,868 --> 00:07:03,100
Good night, Mom.
151
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,767
I thought you had a date.
152
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:08,934
Roger said he sold his car
to a couple of idiots.
153
00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:10,534
Do you think
I'm going to be seen
154
00:07:10,534 --> 00:07:12,467
walking with a guy
who wears a dog collar?
155
00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:17,200
[HAMMERING AND WHIRRING]
156
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:19,501
Ooh.
157
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:22,234
I hate that car,
158
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,267
and everything
it stands for.
159
00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:25,767
Well, you have to admit,
160
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:27,534
the boys have been
getting along this week.
161
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,267
Oh, who cares?
162
00:07:30,734 --> 00:07:33,534
That car is beginning
to take over our lives.
163
00:07:33,534 --> 00:07:35,701
This morning I brought it
to Steve's attention
164
00:07:35,701 --> 00:07:37,200
that his fingernails were dirty.
165
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,534
Do you know what he said?
166
00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:39,901
He said, "It's not dirt.
167
00:07:39,901 --> 00:07:41,934
It's Mustang juice, baby."
168
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:51,367
Well, Al is reawakening certain
ugly, manlike qualities
169
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:54,734
in Steve, but this could work
to our advantage.
170
00:07:54,734 --> 00:07:58,334
You see, they bought something
that we hate without asking us,
171
00:07:58,334 --> 00:07:59,734
and that is bad,
172
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:02,834
but now we have the right to
go out and buy whatever we want
173
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:03,934
without asking them,
174
00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:05,067
and that is good.
175
00:08:07,601 --> 00:08:08,701
It's in the Bible.
176
00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:13,167
But we can't afford
to buy anything.
177
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:14,434
Well...
178
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:16,434
Then let's just be
mean as hell.
179
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,167
Peg, Marcie,
we just wanted you to know
180
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,400
we rebuilt one of the
carburetors in the Mustang.
181
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:27,601
Yoo-hoo, road warriors.
182
00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:31,100
We're bored.
183
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,734
And mean as hell.
184
00:08:32,734 --> 00:08:34,667
You want to come
out in the garage
185
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:35,968
and use one of the sanders?
186
00:08:35,968 --> 00:08:37,067
Not on the car.
187
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,767
You still owe us a dinner.
188
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:42,934
That's right.
189
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:43,934
We've been patient.
190
00:08:43,934 --> 00:08:45,968
We can't force you
to go to bed with us,
191
00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:49,534
but we insist you
take us out to eat.
192
00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:50,968
Okay.
193
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:52,300
Steak place
okay with you, buddy?
194
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:53,300
You got it.
195
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,701
Steve, we're vegetarian.
196
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,467
You don't eat meat.
197
00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:59,667
Honey, I'm working on a car.
198
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:04,868
[MOUTHING]
Honey, I'm working on a car.
199
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:07,534
I'm sorry I neglected you
all week, Marcie.
200
00:09:07,534 --> 00:09:09,100
I don't know
what got into me.
201
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,601
It was the car, Steve.
202
00:09:12,634 --> 00:09:14,834
But it has brought you
closer to Al,
203
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:17,300
so at least we don't have
to suffer that uneasiness
204
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,834
whenever we come over here.
205
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:20,634
KELLY: You can't be serious.
206
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:21,968
I have to stay with Bud,
207
00:09:21,968 --> 00:09:23,300
so you can go out
208
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:25,167
with those creepy, boring people
that live next door?
209
00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:26,234
PEG: Yes.
210
00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:28,367
I have to lose a night
of my glory days
211
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:29,834
for a couple of complete orthos.
212
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,868
[SWEETLY]
Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
213
00:09:33,868 --> 00:09:35,934
It's nice to see you,
as always.
214
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:42,701
BUD: Kelly, could you please
bring me a tissue?
215
00:09:42,701 --> 00:09:45,033
Get one yourself,
you little zit!
216
00:09:46,334 --> 00:09:47,567
Never mind.
217
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,567
I found a whole bunch of them
in your bra.
218
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:54,534
Excuse me.
219
00:09:59,634 --> 00:10:01,634
You're still on the
pill, aren't you?
220
00:10:05,601 --> 00:10:07,367
Sorry to keep you waiting.
221
00:10:07,367 --> 00:10:10,634
We had to dig through the hamper
to find a shirt for Al.
222
00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:15,667
Peggy, did you make
the reservation?
223
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,868
Oh, yes. And we're going
to get a great table.
224
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,467
We made it under
the name of Dr. Bundy.
225
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:23,701
By the way, Marcie, we told them
it was your birthday
226
00:10:23,701 --> 00:10:26,033
so we'd get a free cake.
227
00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:28,400
Just play along
when the waiter starts singing.
228
00:10:29,968 --> 00:10:31,267
Well, I could eat a horse.
229
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:32,367
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
230
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,534
I won't be, will I?
231
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:35,501
Kelly, we're leaving!
232
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:37,734
The phone number's
on the refrigerator,
233
00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:39,667
and make sure Bud
is asleep by 10.
234
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,133
He's already sleeping, mom.
235
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:42,300
[MUFFLED YELLING]
236
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,334
Aw, I love you too, Bud.
237
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:45,667
We're ready to go.
238
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:46,968
Great news!
239
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:48,934
I got an original ashtray
for the car.
240
00:10:48,934 --> 00:10:50,200
An ashtray?
Yeah.
241
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,100
We got to go now.
He's got another offer.
242
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:53,133
Forget it.
243
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:54,567
That's right.
We're going to dinner.
244
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:56,634
The restaurant will hold
our reservations
245
00:10:56,634 --> 00:10:59,667
because, after all, it's your
birthday and I'm a doctor.
246
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:02,267
Come on, girls,
we're going to the ghetto.
247
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,400
It's beautiful.
248
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,601
Look at it, Steve.
It's a virgin.
249
00:11:14,601 --> 00:11:17,667
There has never been
a cigarette in that ashtray.
250
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,701
Are you irritated because
we left you in the car
251
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:30,534
while we went upstairs
to haggle over the price?
252
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:32,801
Oh, no.
I had a great time.
253
00:11:32,801 --> 00:11:36,200
I like sitting in a car that's
being rocked back and forth
254
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:40,067
by grown men yelling "Hubba
Hubba, my name is Bubba!"
255
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,634
But I think Marcie's
a little ticked.
256
00:11:46,267 --> 00:11:49,234
This is the worst birthday
I've ever had.
257
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,934
I've never been so humiliated.
258
00:11:53,934 --> 00:11:57,868
What about me?
They offered me $20.
259
00:11:57,868 --> 00:12:01,601
They offered me 30.
260
00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:04,834
That was for both of us,
pretty mama.
261
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:06,968
I got them to leave,
didn't I?
262
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,501
Oh, yes, you did, honey.
263
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:10,200
And you were so clever.
264
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,133
I wish I had thought of throwing
my purse down the street.
265
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:19,000
Nothing I do is ever
good enough for you, is it, Peg?
266
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,734
Hey, I'm going to go
put the ashtray in the car.
267
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:23,000
I'll help.
268
00:12:27,701 --> 00:12:29,400
I swear to God,
269
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,601
as soon as Steve
goes to sleep tonight,
270
00:12:31,601 --> 00:12:35,133
I'm going to smash that car
into little bits.
271
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:37,200
Except for the ashtray.
272
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,434
I have special plans for that.
273
00:12:41,267 --> 00:12:44,601
Well, maybe we've been
too hard on the guys.
274
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:46,234
Cars are in their blood.
275
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:47,968
You see, with men,
276
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,701
they hear the engine, and
they think it's their engine.
277
00:12:50,701 --> 00:12:53,467
They see the sleek
and smooth lines of the car,
278
00:12:53,467 --> 00:12:55,601
and they think
they're sleek and smooth.
279
00:12:55,601 --> 00:12:59,100
Then they reach for
that stick shift, and...
280
00:12:59,100 --> 00:12:59,968
Well...
281
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:03,033
You know what I mean.
282
00:13:08,634 --> 00:13:11,968
I don't know, there's something
about a stick shift.
283
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:14,634
Yeah. I don't know what it is.
284
00:13:14,634 --> 00:13:16,267
That's a nice one, isn't it?
285
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:17,667
You got the ashtray ready?
286
00:13:17,667 --> 00:13:19,033
Yeah, right here.
Be my guest.
287
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,234
Ahh.
288
00:13:26,834 --> 00:13:28,100
You know something?
289
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:32,033
It doesn't get
any better than this.
290
00:13:32,033 --> 00:13:35,067
You know, Steve, you're not
my kind of guy or anything,
291
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,968
and I don't want
to hang around with you,
292
00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:41,234
but you know your cars.
293
00:13:41,234 --> 00:13:42,701
Well, thanks, Al.
294
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:45,234
Remember, I used to have
one of these babies.
295
00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:48,167
Oh, gee, I loved that car.
296
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:49,934
Those were the days.
297
00:13:49,934 --> 00:13:51,868
Being alive really meant
something then.
298
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:53,701
You used to buy a car
to have fun.
299
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:56,200
Now you worry
about four doors, mileage,
300
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,400
whether or not you'll survive
a head-on collision.
301
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,601
I mean, who cares?
302
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:03,834
Looking cool and going fast.
303
00:14:03,834 --> 00:14:05,734
That's what cars
should be for.
304
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:10,734
Hey, Al?
305
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:14,133
You think, uh,
we'll still look cool?
306
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:16,400
What are we, old men?
307
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,767
[LAUGHING BECOMES COUGHING]
308
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:22,033
These things are classics.
309
00:14:22,033 --> 00:14:24,868
Everybody looks cool
in these things.
310
00:14:24,868 --> 00:14:27,133
Oh, wait till we get
this thing finished.
311
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:31,067
[STEPPENWOLF'S
"BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYING]
312
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,667
* Get your motor runnin' *
313
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:48,100
* Head out on the highway *
314
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:51,434
* Lookin' for adventure *
315
00:14:51,434 --> 00:14:54,868
* And whatever comes our way *
316
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:59,067
* Yeah, darlin'
Go make it happen *
317
00:14:59,067 --> 00:15:02,000
* Take the world
In a love embrace *
318
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,701
Yeah, it's going
to be great, buddy.
319
00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:13,501
* ...at once and *
320
00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:16,200
* Explode into space *
321
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,701
* I like smoke and lightning *
322
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:21,701
* Heavy metal thunder *
323
00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:25,167
* Racin' with the wind *
324
00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:28,100
* And the feelin'
That I'm under *
325
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:33,334
* Yeah, I gotta go
And make it happen *
326
00:15:33,334 --> 00:15:36,434
* Take the world
In a love embrace *
327
00:15:36,434 --> 00:15:39,234
* Fire all of our guns
At once and *
328
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:42,601
* Explode into space *
329
00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:45,567
* Like a true Nature's child *
330
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:48,634
* We were born
Born to be wild *
331
00:15:48,634 --> 00:15:50,934
* We can climb so high *
332
00:15:50,934 --> 00:15:54,234
* I never wanna die *
333
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,567
* Born to be wild *
334
00:16:03,033 --> 00:16:06,501
* Born to be wild **
335
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,534
There's nothing like
a nice healthy salad.
336
00:16:20,534 --> 00:16:21,801
[UNENTHUSED]
Yeah.
337
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:24,133
It's much better than going
to some restaurant
338
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:26,067
where you can
sit back and relax
339
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:28,334
while some peon
serves your every need.
340
00:16:29,601 --> 00:16:30,868
No beverage?
341
00:16:32,501 --> 00:16:33,667
Sorry.
342
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:39,767
I never thought
I could have this much hate
343
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:41,267
for an inanimate object.
344
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,267
You mean Al?
345
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,467
Yeah.
346
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:45,767
And that car.
347
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:47,400
Well, you know, Marce,
348
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,601
the love of a nice automobile
is not just a guy thing.
349
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:52,801
You can't say tell me
you never dated a guy
350
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:53,834
because of his car.
351
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:56,400
Never.
Come on.
352
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,701
Well...
353
00:16:57,701 --> 00:16:59,501
Don't tell Steve,
354
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:01,667
but there was this guy
in high school.
355
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:03,100
He had a GTO.
356
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,267
A black one.
Mmm.
357
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,767
But I finally had
to break up with him, because--
358
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:10,400
This is so disgusting--
359
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,067
He wanted to, you know...
360
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:15,033
get me in the back seat
of the car.
361
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:18,467
So did you?
362
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:19,868
Of course not.
363
00:17:19,868 --> 00:17:22,434
It's so dirty and tawdry.
364
00:17:22,434 --> 00:17:23,868
No, it isn't.
365
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:27,567
You did that?
366
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:29,267
Well, sure.
367
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:32,634
It gets expensive chipping in
for a hotel every few days.
368
00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:37,000
I just never could.
369
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,133
Steve wanted to,
but I'm glad we didn't.
370
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:42,067
It's still our family car.
371
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:45,167
We put groceries back there.
372
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:51,033
Well, good news, girls.
We got the ashtray in.
373
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:52,267
Where's Steve?
374
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:54,868
He's still out there
playing with the top.
375
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,801
You know, he gets carried away.
376
00:17:56,801 --> 00:17:58,000
I'm going to go get him.
377
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,367
It's late,
378
00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:01,133
and we have to pick out
his clothes for tomorrow.
379
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,200
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
380
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,534
Hello?
381
00:18:06,534 --> 00:18:08,334
Albany?
382
00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:10,133
Collect?
Hell, no, I'm not--
383
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,234
We'll pay for the charges!
384
00:18:12,234 --> 00:18:13,234
Hello?
385
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:15,534
Dr. Mustang?
386
00:18:15,534 --> 00:18:16,701
You got the ornament?!
387
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:17,968
He got the little horse.
388
00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:19,534
Yee-ha.
389
00:18:19,534 --> 00:18:22,133
Yeah. You got
yourself a deal.
390
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:24,801
I'll send the check
in the morning.
391
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,801
Best to Mrs. Mustang.
392
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,501
Wow! The little horse!
393
00:18:28,501 --> 00:18:29,934
We got to go tell Steve.
394
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,734
Don't you two
want to be alone for this?
395
00:18:33,601 --> 00:18:34,734
Nah.
396
00:18:36,934 --> 00:18:37,868
[SIGHS]
397
00:18:48,434 --> 00:18:51,000
Aw, isn't that sweet?
398
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,934
It's their first time in a car.
Come on, honey.
399
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:55,567
Okay.
400
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:58,100
Wait a minute, Peg.
401
00:18:58,100 --> 00:18:59,467
Hey, Steve!
402
00:18:59,467 --> 00:19:01,367
We got the horse!
403
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:02,634
STEVE: All right!
404
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:10,901
Well, it's almost time
for the unveiling.
405
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:13,067
To tell you the truth,
I'm kind of curious.
406
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,234
I haven't seen it
since they painted it.
407
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:16,567
[SIGHS]
408
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,534
Aren't you getting excited?
409
00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:19,968
What's that supposed to mean?
410
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,534
Come on, Marce.
It's been three weeks.
411
00:19:24,534 --> 00:19:25,934
You can look me in the eye.
412
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,167
I can't help it.
413
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:32,834
I'm still so embarrassed,
especially around Al.
414
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:34,167
He doesn't say anything,
415
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:35,968
but I know every time
he looks at me,
416
00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:38,634
he's thinking about
how he caught us in that car.
417
00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:41,534
Believe me, I've known him
a long time,
418
00:19:41,534 --> 00:19:44,701
and when Al's not talking,
he is not thinking.
419
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:49,901
Girls, time for the unveiling.
420
00:19:49,901 --> 00:19:51,133
Big deal.
421
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:52,834
Well, it will be
for you, Marce.
422
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:55,100
This is your big chance
to see the outside of the car.
423
00:19:58,501 --> 00:19:59,601
[MOUTHING]
Let's go.
424
00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:08,834
[SARCASTICALLY]
Gee. It's beautiful.
425
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:10,133
Shut up, Peg.
426
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:12,067
This is a big moment,
427
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:13,667
and I want to make sure
it's right.
428
00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:15,133
Okay! Ready!
429
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:24,000
Oh, Al, it really
is beautiful.
430
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,667
Yeah, we know.
431
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:27,834
Come on. Let's take
this baby for a spin.
432
00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:29,133
Girls, get in the back seat.
433
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,167
Peg, Marcie can
show you the way.
434
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,167
Steve, I'll drive.
435
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:38,000
We'll take a nice spin
out in the country.
436
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,501
You sit and lean coolly
out the window.
437
00:20:40,501 --> 00:20:42,234
We'll pretend
these are our mothers.
438
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:52,133
* Born to be-- *
* Born to be-- *
439
00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:53,567
[ENGINE WON'T START]
440
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:03,000
[ENGINE STARTS]
441
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,367
* Wild **
* Wild **
442
00:21:12,334 --> 00:21:14,434
I'm sorry about the car, honey.
443
00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:16,601
You couldn't have known
it was stolen.
444
00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,501
I think Al might have gone
a little overboard
445
00:21:20,501 --> 00:21:22,100
starting the fight
with that policeman.
446
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:24,033
Now, Al just had it
in his head
447
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:27,200
that the cop might
have been an impersonator.
448
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,767
Sorry I put that
in your head, Al.
449
00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:32,334
[OVER-ENUNCIATING]
By the way, Al?
450
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:35,167
They say the effects
of the stun gun
451
00:21:35,167 --> 00:21:36,934
will wear off
in a few hours.
452
00:21:38,868 --> 00:21:41,300
Yeah, you know, you were
really holding your own
453
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,601
until that angry mob showed up.
454
00:21:43,601 --> 00:21:46,400
I wonder where those farmers
got their stun guns.
455
00:21:47,968 --> 00:21:50,334
Well, there goes
our dream, old buddy.
456
00:21:52,133 --> 00:21:54,234
Al?
457
00:21:54,234 --> 00:21:56,567
They impounded the car.
458
00:21:56,567 --> 00:22:00,100
We'll never see it again,
except at the trial.
459
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:04,300
Well, at least one good thing
came out of this.
460
00:22:04,300 --> 00:22:06,501
We found out we could all have
a good time together,
461
00:22:06,501 --> 00:22:08,634
and that's more important
than any car.
462
00:22:08,634 --> 00:22:09,634
Hear, hear.
463
00:22:09,634 --> 00:22:11,167
It's still early.
464
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:13,200
Why don't we go out
and get some dinner,
465
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,200
kick back,
and lick our wounds?
466
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,234
Yeah. Let's go eat.
467
00:22:17,234 --> 00:22:18,834
How about Japanese?
468
00:22:18,834 --> 00:22:21,100
Thai? Moroccan?
469
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:22,834
Whatever.
Al won't know the difference.
470
00:22:35,601 --> 00:22:39,100
* Born to be wild **1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,734
Okay, everybody.
Gather round.
21
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:23,367
I want you to watch me
pay these bills.
22
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:25,767
Aren't you gonna
dress in rags
23
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:27,801
like you did
last month?
24
00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:31,767
That was to prove
a point, Peg.
25
00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:34,767
A point that obviously
wasn't taken too seriously.
26
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:37,701
Now, the Bundy household
is going to cut down
27
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:39,200
on unnecessary
expenditures.
28
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,601
What can we do to help?
29
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:47,200
For starters, we can cut down
on our electricity.
30
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,300
Bud, are we
in the living room?
31
00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:52,701
No, Dad.
32
00:01:52,701 --> 00:01:54,701
Then turn out
the light.
33
00:01:54,701 --> 00:01:55,701
Sure, Dad.
34
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,467
Dad?
35
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:58,467
What?
36
00:01:58,467 --> 00:02:01,400
I'm in the
living room now.
37
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,734
You're also on thin ice.
38
00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:05,234
Turn out the light.
39
00:02:05,234 --> 00:02:08,234
Like it or not,
this family will learn to save.
40
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:10,400
Where the hell are
the rest of the bills?
41
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,734
On the coffee table,
42
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:15,200
under your new $75
glow-in-the-dark tackle box.
43
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,767
Okay. Everybody
gather round.
44
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:21,734
Would somebody please
turn a light on in here?
45
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:23,734
I can't see a thing.
46
00:02:23,734 --> 00:02:24,601
Sure, Dad.
47
00:02:25,834 --> 00:02:29,567
Kelly, are we
in the kitchen?
48
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,934
No, Dad.
49
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,334
Then what do we do?
50
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:35,834
We'll learn.
51
00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:37,200
We'll all learn.
52
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,701
Look at this.
53
00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:41,701
Everybody in the world
gets a tax refund. Not me.
54
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:44,701
Me, I work in hell,
I earn nothing.
55
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:47,701
Bud, where else
aren't we?
56
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,567
In a good neighborhood?
57
00:02:51,701 --> 00:02:54,701
Go on upstairs and
turn out those lights.
58
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:55,701
And, Kelly...
59
00:02:55,701 --> 00:02:57,200
Let me guess.
60
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,701
You want me to go outside
and beg for cheese.
61
00:03:00,701 --> 00:03:03,200
No, I want you to cut down on
your entertainment expenditures.
62
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,634
You know, records,
movies...bleach.
63
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:10,234
Fine, but I'm
warning you.
64
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:13,934
I'll steal bleach before
I give up my blondness.
65
00:03:13,934 --> 00:03:15,601
Good girl.
66
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
67
00:03:19,167 --> 00:03:20,667
You want
to get that, Al?
68
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:24,667
Who spent $39.95 at a place
called 10 Little Toenails?
69
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,033
I'll get it.
70
00:03:30,634 --> 00:03:33,467
Hi. We've been nut picking
and we brought you a bag.
71
00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:34,801
Got a nutcracker?
72
00:03:34,801 --> 00:03:37,100
You're looking at her.
73
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:41,033
I've got one somewhere.
74
00:03:41,033 --> 00:03:42,734
Would you close the door.
75
00:03:42,734 --> 00:03:45,267
You're letting out
the heat.
76
00:03:50,234 --> 00:03:51,601
Is that what you make?
77
00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:58,234
You're gaining
a little weight there,
78
00:03:58,234 --> 00:03:59,601
aren't you, Marce?
79
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:04,734
I found
the nutcracker.
80
00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:07,100
Do you think
I'm gaining weight?
81
00:04:08,234 --> 00:04:10,400
Eh...
82
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,767
[DOORBELL RINGS]
83
00:04:11,767 --> 00:04:14,200
Al, would you get the door
for once in your life?
84
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:18,234
Who the hell spent
$60 on granular facial scrub?
85
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:19,634
I'll get it.
86
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:26,033
Hi. Hi, Al.
87
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,767
What do you want?
88
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,267
I missed Marcie.
89
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,434
Aw, look at that, Al.
90
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:32,501
It's only been a few minutes,
and he misses her.
91
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:34,634
Why don't you
just kill me?
92
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:38,701
Close the door.
The heat's getting out.
93
00:04:38,701 --> 00:04:41,200
If you want to cut down
on your heating bills,
94
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,334
do what we did.
95
00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:43,834
Install extra insulation.
96
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:45,767
Not only is it
a monthly savings,
97
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:48,367
but we got a nifty little
rebate from the government
98
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,501
for energy
conservation.
99
00:04:49,501 --> 00:04:51,334
Believe me,
it had a lot to do
100
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:54,067
with that big tax refund
we just got.
101
00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:56,801
The only thing is, we don't
know what to do with the money.
102
00:04:56,801 --> 00:04:58,801
Why don't you
have a couple of kids.
103
00:04:58,801 --> 00:05:01,801
They'll suck it up
like a Hoover.
104
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,801
That's a vacuum
cleaner, Peg,
105
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,801
in case you want to do
something different
106
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:08,267
with your afternoons.
107
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,868
Did we come
at a bad time?
108
00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:11,067
Don't mind Al.
109
00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,934
It's just his time
of the month.
110
00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:15,634
Bill time.
111
00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:17,634
So, what are you gonna spend
your refund on?
112
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:21,067
We were thinking about taking
a romantic trip to Paris.
113
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:23,567
I've always wanted
to go to Paris.
114
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:26,834
Oh, yeah, Paris.
Where they hate Americans.
115
00:05:26,834 --> 00:05:29,033
Where they won't let
our bombers fly overhead.
116
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:30,701
Oh, yeah, until
they get invaded.
117
00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:32,834
Then they come crawling back
to us, beret in hand,
118
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:35,133
for us to bail them out
with my tax dollars.
119
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:37,367
That's where you
want to go?
120
00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:40,133
No. We just said that
to kid you.
121
00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:43,934
We hate the French.
122
00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:46,133
Know what I'd do
if I had a few extra bucks?
123
00:05:46,133 --> 00:05:48,200
Bomb the French?
124
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,300
No, I was talking about
a little extra money.
125
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,300
Anyhow, I'd like to add on
to our house,
126
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,300
you know, just to have
a little room for me.
127
00:05:57,300 --> 00:06:01,200
Somewhere I could go, relax,
sit back, read the paper.
128
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,167
Another bathroom, huh?
129
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:08,300
Actually, we considered
adding on to our house
130
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:09,634
when we bought it,
131
00:06:09,634 --> 00:06:11,400
But we'd need you
to sign a variance
132
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,834
to give us permission to build
that close to the property line
133
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:15,100
and it seemed
like an imposition.
134
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,801
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
135
00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:18,801
We're friends.
Aren't we, Al?
136
00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:20,667
Who, you and me? No.
137
00:06:21,801 --> 00:06:23,234
Would you really
consider it?
138
00:06:23,234 --> 00:06:24,934
I mean, there would be
some extra noise
139
00:06:24,934 --> 00:06:26,334
and dust for a while.
140
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:27,834
Ah, why not?
141
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:30,567
It's something we can
hold over your heads.
142
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:31,767
Come on, Steve.
143
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,834
Let's go look through
our dream house file.
144
00:06:33,834 --> 00:06:35,133
Hey, thanks, you guys.
145
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,267
That was nice of you.
146
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,267
Yeah, I'm a nice guy.
147
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:43,267
What is this?
$16 for chopped sirloin?
148
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:45,767
You never make me
chopped sirloin.
149
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:48,634
Who the hell got
the chopped sirloin?
150
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:53,801
Why do you give Buck
chopped sirloin,
151
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:55,367
and I get tuna?
152
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:56,801
Why doesn't he get tuna?
153
00:06:56,801 --> 00:06:59,167
Because tuna
makes his breath smell.
154
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:03,334
And yours is hereditary.
155
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,300
Dad.
156
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:12,801
I just wanted
you to know
157
00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:14,300
that I've listened
to you.
158
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,801
And I haven't spent
any money today.
159
00:07:16,801 --> 00:07:17,801
Good boy.
160
00:07:17,801 --> 00:07:20,367
Yeah. I sure hope
Kelly hasn't.
161
00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:23,300
Oh, my God!
162
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,467
Kel, what's
in the bag?
163
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,701
I bought some new jeans.
164
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:29,801
Dad, you told me
to buy new jeans.
165
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:32,033
You said that you hated
the way these looked.
166
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:33,234
Oh, all right.
167
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:34,701
Tough luck, maggot.
168
00:07:35,801 --> 00:07:37,267
[DOORBELL RINGS]
169
00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:39,767
Hey, Al.
What can I do for you?
170
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,267
Steve, come on in.
Sit down.
171
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:44,067
What are you doing?
172
00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:47,234
Everybody's doing this.
173
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:50,267
And yes, if everyone
was jumping off of buildings,
174
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:51,434
so would I.
175
00:07:52,734 --> 00:07:57,834
Kel, collect call for you
from Australia.
176
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,934
Excuse me.
177
00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:05,267
There must be some sort
of a misunderstanding.
178
00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:09,300
I thought
we had code words
179
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:10,801
for things like this.
180
00:08:10,801 --> 00:08:13,000
We're late
on our code payments.
181
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:18,801
Well, a couple of years,
they'll be gone.
182
00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:21,801
So, Steve,
how's the addition?
183
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,300
Well, we just talked about it
last night.
184
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:27,467
We haven't had much time
to do anything about it.
185
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:28,968
Yeah, good, good.
186
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:31,801
I was thinking that while
the girls are at the gym,
187
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:34,300
this would be
a good opportunity
188
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:37,167
for us to just kind of
sit around and shoot the bull.
189
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,834
Hey, great.
190
00:08:38,834 --> 00:08:41,200
Well, yesterday
at the bank--
191
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,834
Ha ha ha ha!
192
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,334
Great story, Steve.
193
00:08:44,334 --> 00:08:47,334
Listen, you know
the kind of room
194
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:50,267
I think you and Marcie
really need?
195
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:52,934
A poolroom for you and me.
196
00:08:52,934 --> 00:08:55,234
I don't know.
197
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:57,734
I think Marcie and I should
get a room we both like.
198
00:08:57,734 --> 00:09:01,567
She's got one.
She's got the kitchen.
199
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:04,501
You need something
to fill up your life
200
00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:06,367
and I think this room
is the perfect thing.
201
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:09,133
See, Steve, remember how great
it was when you were a kid
202
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,667
and you had your own room,
203
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:13,868
and you had the privacy
to do whatever you wanted to?
204
00:09:13,868 --> 00:09:16,300
You can do
those things again.
205
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,367
I don't need
to do that anymore.
206
00:09:18,367 --> 00:09:20,100
I've got a wife now.
207
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,968
And a terrific little wife
she is too.
208
00:09:21,968 --> 00:09:25,701
She would never stand in the way
of you wanting your poolroom.
209
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:27,200
Listen, think of it, Steve.
210
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,701
A little refrigerator
for your beer.
211
00:09:29,701 --> 00:09:32,200
A little powder
on your hands.
212
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,701
That feeling
of the cue stick
213
00:09:34,701 --> 00:09:35,968
sliding through your fingers.
214
00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:37,300
That squeak of the chalk.
215
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,734
But most of all,
216
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:41,801
that feeling of adrenaline
coursing through your veins
217
00:09:41,801 --> 00:09:45,334
as you make that
two-cushion bank shot,
218
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,868
8-ball in the side pocket.
219
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,434
[SIGHS]
220
00:09:57,601 --> 00:09:58,934
Gee.
221
00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:00,901
That was a great workout.
222
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,734
You want some pie?
223
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:05,534
Sure.
224
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:07,834
It really does give you
an appetite, doesn't it?
225
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:11,534
Ah, the boys are at your house,
talking about your new room.
226
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:14,934
So, what kind of room
is this going to be?
227
00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:16,667
An all-purpose room.
228
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:18,133
What a waste.
229
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:20,300
Why not build a room
with a purpose?
230
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:23,467
Like an exercise room
for you and me.
231
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:24,801
Ice cream?
232
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:26,200
Sure.
233
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,667
Gee, an exercise room
would be great.
234
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:31,701
Then we wouldn't
have to wait in line
235
00:10:31,701 --> 00:10:32,934
to use their equipment
236
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:36,767
and be laughed at
by women with good bodies.
237
00:10:36,767 --> 00:10:38,167
Chocolate sauce?
238
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:39,767
Okay.
239
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:42,200
I don't know, Peggy.
240
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,000
Steve and I wanted a room
we could both use.
241
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,000
Oh, Steve has
his own room.
242
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,734
He has the kitchen.
243
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:52,501
Besides, aren't you sick
of dragging me along each week
244
00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:54,734
to be your free guest
at the health club?
245
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:57,567
I mean, they know
I'm not gonna join.
246
00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:59,067
Doesn't that
embarrass you?
247
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,667
Well, not as much
as you stealing towels.
248
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,734
Hey. That sign said:
249
00:11:03,734 --> 00:11:05,634
"Guest towels. Take one."
250
00:11:05,634 --> 00:11:08,667
Look, Marce, if you build
an exercise room,
251
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:11,167
not only will you
look better,
252
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:12,667
but you'll live longer.
253
00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:15,767
And isn't that
the best possible present
254
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:17,033
you could give Steve?
255
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:21,934
Whipped cream?
256
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:23,234
What the heck.
257
00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:26,133
I'm gonna have
an exercise room, right?
258
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:27,567
Right.
259
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,334
Now, this exercise room should
have a little refrigerator
260
00:11:37,334 --> 00:11:39,334
for our juice
and other healthy things.
261
00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:43,234
Listen, honey, I think this
is a great move, adding a room.
262
00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:45,000
Listen, you guys,
263
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,133
thanks for
suggesting it.
264
00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:47,634
What are
neighbors for?
265
00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:49,133
Our pleasure.
266
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:51,634
Steve, let's start getting
bids from some contractors.
267
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:52,868
And architects.
268
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:54,767
And designers.
I want to move on this thing.
269
00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:56,534
I love you, Marcie.
I love you, Steve.
270
00:11:56,534 --> 00:11:58,033
I hate them, Peg.
271
00:11:58,033 --> 00:12:00,701
They hate you, Al.
272
00:12:00,701 --> 00:12:03,701
Yeah, but they're gonna
have a nice little room
273
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:07,400
where I can go and shoot pool
and have fun.
274
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,701
I hate to break
this to you,
275
00:12:09,701 --> 00:12:12,801
but that room is gonna be
an exercise room for me.
276
00:12:12,801 --> 00:12:15,634
Oh, and Marcie, I guess,
if she can find the time.
277
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,033
I don't think
she will, personally.
278
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:19,634
Forget it, Peg.
I'm getting a poolroom.
279
00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:21,534
I'm getting
an exercise room.
280
00:12:21,534 --> 00:12:22,767
Not a chance!
281
00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:24,767
Look, Marcie
is on my side.
282
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,834
She makes the money,
she's got the power.
283
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:30,501
Yeah? I make the money,
and I have no power.
284
00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,033
Why is that, Peg?
285
00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:33,534
Well, we'll deal
with that tomorrow.
286
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:35,534
The important thing is,
I want that poolroom,
287
00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:37,934
and Steve's
gonna get it for me.
288
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:39,601
Marcie will run
right over him
289
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:41,400
like a tractor
over a road apple.
290
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,667
Not this time, Peg.
291
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:43,767
This time, he's gonna be
292
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:45,100
the little road apple
that could.
293
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,234
Ha, ha!
294
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:47,767
Oh, yeah?
Call him back here
295
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,567
and we'll settle this
once and for all.
296
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,200
All right, fine.
297
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:56,601
Steve-- Oh.
298
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:59,968
Excuse me.
Could you come back in?
299
00:13:02,601 --> 00:13:04,834
We want you
to settle an argument
300
00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:06,167
between me and Peg.
301
00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:08,133
Now, is that addition
gonna be a poolroom
302
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:09,634
like Steve wants
303
00:13:09,634 --> 00:13:12,634
or an exercise room
like Peg wants?
304
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:14,133
You want
a poolroom?
305
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:16,133
You didn't say anything
about a poolroom.
306
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:18,634
Well, you didn't say anything
about an exercise room.
307
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:21,634
I thought we weren't gonna
make any decisions
308
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,634
without consulting
our life partner.
309
00:13:23,634 --> 00:13:26,634
Well, it looks like
you made one
310
00:13:26,634 --> 00:13:29,033
without consulting
me, Ms. La Lanne.
311
00:13:29,033 --> 00:13:32,634
How do you like
my little road apple now?
312
00:13:32,634 --> 00:13:35,834
It ain't over until
the fat lady sings.
313
00:13:35,834 --> 00:13:38,167
You don't even
play pool anymore.
314
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:39,534
At least I exercise.
315
00:13:39,534 --> 00:13:43,133
So I can be healthy
and live longer for you.
316
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:45,334
Oh, Marcie.
317
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:47,801
* La la **
318
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:50,767
But I suppose I could
exercise at the club,
319
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:53,267
rather than have you risk
injury or disease
320
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,601
at the local pool hole.
321
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,100
No, your body
is much more important
322
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,601
than my having
a good time.
323
00:13:59,601 --> 00:14:01,601
We'll build
your exercise room.
324
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:04,601
I don't want you
to be unhappy.
325
00:14:04,601 --> 00:14:06,467
I don't want you
to be unhappy.
326
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:07,834
Look, it's obvious
327
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:10,601
that things are heating up
here a little bit too much.
328
00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:13,634
Why don't we take a minute,
relax, sit down and cool off.
329
00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:16,634
Now, Steve will
cool off right here.
330
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:19,501
Come on, Marcie. Let's make you
a cup of coffee and calm down.
331
00:14:21,634 --> 00:14:23,133
How you doing, Steve?
332
00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:24,634
Are you comfortable?
333
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,033
Sure, Al.
334
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:29,133
How could you be
without a backbone?!
335
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,634
You know damn well
336
00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:33,634
you and me wanted
this pool table.
337
00:14:33,634 --> 00:14:36,000
How come she's the one
racking the balls?
338
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,968
Al, it wasn't worth
fighting about.
339
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:43,067
Oh sure, our rights
are not important?
340
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:46,601
Anything a woman says
is fine with us.
341
00:14:46,601 --> 00:14:49,601
When did men
become such losers?
342
00:14:49,601 --> 00:14:53,601
It used to be so great
to be a man.
343
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,033
Women were there
to please us.
344
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:56,434
They'd look after the kids
345
00:14:56,434 --> 00:14:59,234
and we'd go out
and have a good time.
346
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:01,534
That's the natural
order of things.
347
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,000
What happened, Steve?
348
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,133
Well, Al--
349
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:05,868
I'll tell you
what happened, Steve.
350
00:15:05,868 --> 00:15:09,601
Somebody told women they should
start enjoying sex too.
351
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,601
That was the beginning
of the end.
352
00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:16,100
Now they like it,
but it's work for us.
353
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:17,601
Everything's work for us.
354
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:19,634
It's this equality thing.
It's killing us.
355
00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:21,200
You know who I blame?
356
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,501
The French?
357
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,501
I think it's this Curie guy
started the whole thing.
358
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:30,133
He's the guy
that let his wife
359
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:32,501
take the credit
for discovering radium.
360
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:34,667
But she did
discover radium.
361
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,634
Probably because
he left it out one night.
362
00:15:37,634 --> 00:15:39,634
That never would
have happened
363
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,367
if he had his own room.
364
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:42,767
Einstein had his own room.
365
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:46,067
You think Einstein invented
the theory of relativity
366
00:15:46,067 --> 00:15:47,801
in his wife's
exercise room?
367
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:50,801
No. He was in his own room
with the door closed.
368
00:15:50,801 --> 00:15:52,400
Now, you make
a decision, Steve.
369
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,767
But make the right one.
370
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:56,434
Remember, a man's castle
is his pants.
371
00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:03,934
Why is it men always
get what they want?
372
00:16:03,934 --> 00:16:06,434
Steve's not getting
what he wants.
373
00:16:06,434 --> 00:16:08,434
He will.
They always do.
374
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,934
And we let them.
375
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:12,434
You know, no matter
how far we've come,
376
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:14,434
we are still subservient.
377
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:16,434
It all started with Adam.
378
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,434
You know, when he said,
379
00:16:18,434 --> 00:16:22,434
"Yo, Eve. Get me an apple,
would you, babe?"
380
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:23,968
And she did.
381
00:16:23,968 --> 00:16:27,634
And now you are gonna repeat
that same mistake
382
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:29,868
by giving Steve
a pool table.
383
00:16:29,868 --> 00:16:31,734
You can't draw
parallels there.
384
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:36,467
That's like comparing
apples and pool tables.
385
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:38,033
We're talking
symbols here,
386
00:16:38,033 --> 00:16:40,434
and what they
do to men.
387
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,033
You see,
they start out normal,
388
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:44,033
and then puberty happens.
389
00:16:44,033 --> 00:16:47,033
And suddenly, they're
acting like peacocks
390
00:16:47,033 --> 00:16:48,701
and thinking
they're Italian.
391
00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:51,334
You know,
a lot of people
392
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:54,200
say that puberty
has to do with hormones.
393
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,701
I blame it on poolrooms.
394
00:16:56,701 --> 00:16:58,734
You see, that's where
they hang out,
395
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,734
elbow each other,
smoke cigars,
396
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:04,767
and make up names
for boobs.
397
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:07,667
But Steve seems
to really want this room.
398
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:11,734
Yeah. Just like Al really wanted
the basement for his room.
399
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:14,234
You know, that's why
we bought this dump.
400
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,734
Because it had a basement.
401
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,734
I wanted a sewing room.
402
00:17:17,734 --> 00:17:20,200
You know, someplace
I could go and drink wine
403
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,601
and hide from the kids.
404
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:26,400
Al wanted to build a boat.
405
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,400
A boat he'll never finish.
406
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,734
So once again,
407
00:17:29,734 --> 00:17:33,267
a woman gives up
her dream for a man.
408
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:34,767
Don't do it, Marcie.
409
00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:38,267
Ruin Steve's dream now
for the both of us.
410
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:41,133
I'm not sure that's
the best solution.
411
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:46,767
Marcie, I didn't want
to have to tell you this,
412
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:48,767
but the women
in the neighborhood
413
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:50,634
really look up to you.
414
00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:52,000
Really?
415
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,534
Mm. They know they
can't do what you do
416
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,701
because they're married
to men like Al,
417
00:17:58,701 --> 00:18:03,567
men who look at their own
ear wax and smile with pride.
418
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,234
But you give us hope.
419
00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:09,234
You and your
Susan B. Anthony--
420
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,234
or should I say,
421
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:14,033
Marcie B. Rhoades
Aerobics Studio?
422
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:16,634
I had no idea.
423
00:18:16,634 --> 00:18:18,601
I know you didn't.
424
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,067
You've got to do it, Marcie.
425
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:24,067
Let the women look to you
and admire you,
426
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:27,067
oh, except for those two women
who live in the brown house
427
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:28,567
and say they're sisters.
428
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:31,434
Don't let them
admire you too much.
429
00:18:33,734 --> 00:18:35,234
I don't know.
430
00:18:35,234 --> 00:18:39,200
Steve's so unselfish
and kind and sharing.
431
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:42,133
Is he?
432
00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:51,200
Come on, Steve.
Let's go home.
433
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,701
I think we have something
to talk about.
434
00:18:53,701 --> 00:18:55,200
Yes, we do.
435
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,200
I've decided
I want a pool table.
436
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,200
Ha! And a bag of apples
too, I suppose.
437
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,067
I'd like to think
I can have apples if I want to.
438
00:19:09,701 --> 00:19:11,200
They're coming,
439
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,234
and they've
made a decision.
440
00:19:13,234 --> 00:19:14,734
Here they come.
441
00:19:14,734 --> 00:19:17,234
Marcie's walking in front,
and she's got the plans.
442
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,601
Yeah, but Steve's
eating an apple.
443
00:19:25,234 --> 00:19:27,234
Well, we've been
talking for hours,
444
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,100
and we've reached
a decision.
445
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:36,234
Well, what's it
gonna be?
446
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:38,567
We decided to build
447
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:41,501
an all-purpose room
for both of us.
448
00:19:41,501 --> 00:19:43,968
It's going to be
a sitting room
449
00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:45,601
where we can escape
450
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,267
the pressures
of the living room,
451
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:50,701
where we can be
alone together
452
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:52,167
for uninterrupted
quality time.
453
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:53,734
It's going to have
a bay window,
454
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,634
a love seat,
and a loom.
455
00:19:55,634 --> 00:19:59,467
Yes, because we've always
wanted a loom with a view.
456
00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:04,601
I guess all that's left
457
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:06,667
is for you guys
to sign the variance.
458
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:09,200
Uh...I don't know.
459
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,200
What do you think, Peg?
460
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,701
I don't know.
461
00:20:12,701 --> 00:20:14,000
It's an awful lot
of digging
462
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,701
and hammering
early in the morning.
463
00:20:15,701 --> 00:20:16,868
And the dust.
Oh.
464
00:20:16,868 --> 00:20:18,601
Yeah, I gotta be honest
with you guys,
465
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,434
It seems like
a lot of trouble to us,
466
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:22,234
and for what?
467
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:24,000
You don't need
another room.
468
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,267
I can't believe
you would entice us
469
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:28,734
with a room
that we might enjoy
470
00:20:28,734 --> 00:20:31,234
when all you wanted was for us
to sign the variance.
471
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:34,734
We don't like
to be manipulated.
472
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,734
I feel so used.
473
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:39,167
I think you two
better leave.
474
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:41,734
You're the ones who said
we should build a room.
475
00:20:41,734 --> 00:20:43,734
Little late for
an apology now.
476
00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:45,234
I expected
better of you.
477
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:46,734
But we ordered
a loom.
478
00:20:46,734 --> 00:20:48,467
That was a little presumptuous,
wasn't it, Marcie?
479
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:50,100
Now just a second, Al,
480
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:51,667
because I've reached
my boiling point.
481
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,701
Easy, honey.
482
00:20:52,701 --> 00:20:54,200
Not this time.
483
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,267
I listened to
your Einstein theory,
484
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,534
I listened to your
"Man's castle is in his pants,"
485
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,067
and I watched while your wife
486
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:02,934
tried to shatter
my wife's hourglass figure.
487
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:05,734
And now you are gonna hear
what I have to say.
488
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,067
STEVE:
Vive la France!
489
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,701
The nerve
of those two, eh?
490
00:21:15,701 --> 00:21:17,400
I guess I'll
have to go on
491
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,067
being her guest
at the health club.
492
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,334
Hey, Peg. You think
there's any room
493
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:28,534
for a pool table
in our basement?
494
00:21:28,534 --> 00:21:30,734
Yeah, if you wanna
get rid of the boat.
495
00:21:30,734 --> 00:21:33,234
Oh, honey,
we can't do that.
496
00:21:33,234 --> 00:21:35,133
We're gonna sail
the Great Lakes
497
00:21:35,133 --> 00:21:37,734
on that baby someday,
498
00:21:37,734 --> 00:21:39,234
just you and me.
499
00:21:39,234 --> 00:21:41,234
The freedom of the sea.
500
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:44,234
I'm gonna finish it
too, Peg.
501
00:21:44,234 --> 00:21:45,734
I know you will, Al.
502
00:21:45,734 --> 00:21:48,601
And I'm gonna
vacuum someday too.
503
00:21:50,167 --> 00:21:53,167
I know you will, Peg.
504
00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:54,968
Hey, honey...
505
00:21:54,968 --> 00:21:57,167
I thought of a great
name for the boat.
506
00:21:57,167 --> 00:21:59,567
You know what
I'm gonna call it?
507
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,067
The Al Bundy.
508
00:22:04,601 --> 00:22:06,734
I'm think I'm gonna
go down in the basement
509
00:22:06,734 --> 00:22:08,067
and look at it right now.
510
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,701
Bud, are we
in the basement?
511
00:22:17,701 --> 00:22:19,067
No, Mom.
512
00:22:19,067 --> 00:22:20,901
Then what do we do?
513
00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:26,000
[AL SCREAMS]
514
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:26,934
[THUDDING]
515
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,734
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:40,534
Kelly, breakfast!
21
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,067
And be quiet, honey!
22
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,801
Don't wake your father!
23
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,968
Oh, Bud, you eat so fast.
24
00:01:47,968 --> 00:01:51,133
That's because
you cook so good.
25
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,601
Bye, Mom.
26
00:01:52,601 --> 00:01:54,901
Not so fast.
You're not going anywhere
27
00:01:54,901 --> 00:01:56,567
without a good,
healthy breakfast.
28
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,133
Mother, I'm 15.
I'm old enough
29
00:01:58,133 --> 00:02:00,868
to know how to use
a vending machine.
30
00:02:00,868 --> 00:02:02,667
Get over here
and eat.
31
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:05,601
God, I hate
to eat sitting down.
32
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:09,334
I think she should
clean her plate like I did.
33
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:10,434
Sure, Mom.
34
00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:17,434
I'm stuffed.
35
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:19,968
They're waiting for me
at the mall.
36
00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:21,634
What do you do
at the mall, anyway?
37
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:22,801
Nothing.
38
00:02:22,801 --> 00:02:25,400
You know
what they do?
39
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,968
Sometimes they look
in the shoe store...
40
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:30,100
and laugh at Daddy.
41
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:33,968
Well, all the kids do.
42
00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:36,801
It's not like
they know he's my father.
43
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:38,234
And they never will,
44
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:41,767
if you want to live
to hang your next rat.
45
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:44,801
I'd ground
both of you,
46
00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:48,000
but then that would mean
you'd be here all day.
47
00:02:50,234 --> 00:02:53,100
So, your punishment is
you're grounded tomorrow
48
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:56,067
when your father's home,
and I'm out shopping.
49
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:58,534
Can I go now?
50
00:02:58,534 --> 00:02:59,634
Please.
51
00:02:59,634 --> 00:03:01,701
Where's my miniature
golf coupon?
52
00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:03,167
It's in the drawer.
53
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:08,767
What's this
with the fake engraving?
54
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:10,267
Oh, that's
the invitation
55
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,267
to your cousin
Harriet's wedding.
56
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,267
Oh, puke.
57
00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:14,534
Harriet.
58
00:03:14,534 --> 00:03:17,267
You don't
have to go.
59
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:21,267
The thing is, your father and I
have to go out of town for it.
60
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,133
Bud, who can you stay with?
61
00:03:23,133 --> 00:03:26,434
I'm not allowed
in anybody's house.
62
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:29,300
Well, we'll
find someone.
63
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,100
[AL COUGHS LOUDLY]
64
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,601
Daddy's up.
65
00:03:33,601 --> 00:03:35,601
Well, we'll
see you later.
66
00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:36,934
Okay. Be home by 6.
67
00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,567
Oh, and Bud,
don't bite anyone.
68
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,567
And Kelly, don't
get anything pierced.
69
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:41,501
Yeah, Mom.
70
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,467
Morning.
71
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:56,734
Coffee.
72
00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:57,934
In the pot.
73
00:03:57,934 --> 00:04:02,100
Boy, I love it when you
get up before I do,
74
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,100
and I got the bed
all to myself.
75
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:07,234
Gee, you'd never know it,
76
00:04:07,234 --> 00:04:11,868
the way you put your foot
on my behind and push.
77
00:04:11,868 --> 00:04:13,267
Here's your
breakfast, honey.
78
00:04:13,267 --> 00:04:16,033
Mmm. Oh, just
how I like them.
79
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:21,534
Ah, you dirty,
shiftless bag of--
80
00:04:21,534 --> 00:04:24,501
Al, don't feed that
to the dog.
81
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:27,200
The cholesterol
is very bad for him.
82
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:33,300
Bacon?
83
00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:36,868
Boy,
I hate Saturdays.
84
00:04:36,868 --> 00:04:41,000
Damn kids come to the mall
and make fun of me.
85
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:44,100
Yeah.
Wouldn't it be nice
86
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:47,033
if we could go off together,
just the two of us?
87
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:48,601
Not really.
88
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:53,234
You know where
I'd really like to go?
89
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:54,234
Where?
90
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:55,400
Milwaukee.
91
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,167
I smell your family
coming on.
92
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,734
What's up, Peg,
Beer Fest '87?
93
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,200
Is it time
for your mother
94
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,534
to defend her
keg-sucking crown?
95
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,968
Is she moving up
96
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:11,167
into the heavyweight division
this year?
97
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:13,400
Can't stand
that a woman won, huh?
98
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,234
Hey, there were
a lot of people there
99
00:05:15,234 --> 00:05:18,267
demanding
chromosome tests.
100
00:05:18,267 --> 00:05:20,234
Just you and Dad.
101
00:05:20,234 --> 00:05:22,200
I don't care, Peg.
102
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,234
I'm not going to one
of your family gatherings.
103
00:05:24,234 --> 00:05:25,767
It's not a gathering,
it's a wedding.
104
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,267
Who's getting married?
105
00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:28,267
Harriet.
106
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,434
Harriet?
107
00:05:29,434 --> 00:05:31,734
You mean someone
answered the ad?
108
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,767
Some people
will do anything
109
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,501
to keep
from being deported.
110
00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:39,801
Hey, Jose
is a very nice man,
111
00:05:39,801 --> 00:05:43,300
and his English
is coming along just fine.
112
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,634
Me habla not going.
113
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:48,400
Al, we have to go.
114
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,734
The whole family
is coming.
115
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:53,234
Oh, really. How about Elmo,
the human surprise?
116
00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:55,234
Are they bringing him?
117
00:05:55,234 --> 00:05:57,200
You know, he makes
a very good living.
118
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,868
Well, they won't have his cage
at the wedding, Peg.
119
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,334
Well, you have to admit,
120
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:03,200
there's one good thing
about my family.
121
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,033
They gave you me.
122
00:06:05,033 --> 00:06:07,334
Getting me sentimental
ain't gonna work with me, Peg.
123
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:08,934
Now, you send Harriet
a card,
124
00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:11,100
you give Jose a copy of
the Pledge of Allegiance,
125
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,133
but I'm not going.
126
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,567
Yes, you are.
127
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,000
No, I'm not.
128
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,567
Oh, yes, you are, and you cannot
walk out on this argument.
129
00:06:18,567 --> 00:06:19,634
Watch me.
130
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:20,901
Fine, but when you come home,
131
00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:22,300
we're picking up
where we left off.
132
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,300
That's fine.
Then I'm not coming home.
133
00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,300
Eh, you'll
be coming home,
134
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:34,267
and Mr. and Mrs. Bundy
will be attending.
135
00:06:34,267 --> 00:06:39,267
* You're once, twice
Three times a lady **
136
00:06:39,267 --> 00:06:40,868
See, I told you.
137
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,267
You can dance
in these shoes.
138
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:45,767
Well, I'll take them.
139
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,200
Luke, what
are you doing?
140
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,801
Selling shoes, man.
141
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:56,634
You work on commission,
you go the extra mile,
142
00:06:56,634 --> 00:06:58,834
And that, my friend,
is the extra mile.
143
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:05,200
Thank you.
144
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,701
My pleasure.
145
00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:10,300
Oh, your son
is very nice.
146
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,200
Yeah, she must have been
something 1,500 years ago.
147
00:07:18,801 --> 00:07:20,334
Get away from me, Luke.
148
00:07:20,334 --> 00:07:22,467
Hey, Al. You know,
149
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:24,801
there's something
I've learned over the years,
150
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:27,868
Whenever someone yells at me,
it's not me.
151
00:07:27,868 --> 00:07:29,234
How could it be?
152
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:30,267
So, what's wrong?
153
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:33,234
I had a fight
with my wife.
154
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:34,968
I knew it wasn't me.
155
00:07:34,968 --> 00:07:36,400
How bad was it?
156
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,601
Well, I got pretty mad.
So I laid down the law.
157
00:07:39,601 --> 00:07:41,801
I told her
I'm not coming home!
158
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:46,501
So, uh...where can I
get some flowers, cheap?
159
00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:49,067
I thought you said
you weren't going home.
160
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,801
Let's face it. I've got
no choice. I have to.
161
00:07:51,801 --> 00:07:53,133
That's the trouble
162
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:55,300
when you're married
with children.
163
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,067
They know
you're coming home.
164
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,234
Al.
165
00:08:00,234 --> 00:08:01,234
What?
166
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:05,834
What do you think I should
have for lunch?
167
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:08,934
Hey, I'm pouring out
my heart here.
168
00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:10,767
I'm sorry.
I thought you were done.
169
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:12,133
No, I'm not.
170
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:13,534
I'm not at all.
171
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,400
I gotta find
a place to stay.
172
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,400
I can't afford a hotel.
173
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,133
If I go home,
then I'm saying I'm sorry,
174
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,167
so I can't go home,
I gotta...
175
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,267
make her wonder,
make her...worry,
176
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:26,734
make her...miss me.
177
00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:29,868
Then I can go home,
so she can yell at me.
178
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:31,467
Where am I gonna stay?
179
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:34,267
Everybody comes
to the answer man.
180
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,334
The choice
is obvious, Al.
181
00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:40,334
You set up a cot
in the stock room.
182
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:43,000
I'm staying
with you, Luke.
183
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,100
For free?
184
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,267
Yes.
185
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:47,033
You know, I haven't done
something like this
186
00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:48,400
in a long time.
187
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,834
Yeah, kick back with a buddy
and a six-pack and be men.
188
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:53,601
You know, Luke, I...
189
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,767
This is really helping me out.
Thanks a lot.
190
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:59,267
Hey, the day Luke Ventura
can't help a friend,
191
00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:02,701
that's the day he's got
something better to do.
192
00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:10,534
MAN:
The divorce judge
will now render his verdict.
193
00:09:10,534 --> 00:09:14,000
JUDGE:
Mr. Gannon, your lovely bride
of eight months
194
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,501
deserves far better
than you.
195
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:20,100
I can't grant her that,
but I can grant her...
196
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:23,033
93 percent
of your net worth...
197
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:26,834
your Ferrari
and your stocks.
198
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,801
And you, Mr. Gannon...
199
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:32,267
you get the children.
200
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:35,234
This court is adjourned.
201
00:09:35,234 --> 00:09:36,767
What a great show!
202
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:39,667
Oh, yeah. You know,
that's a real judge.
203
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,434
More coffee?
Okay.
204
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:44,200
Listen, Marce,
205
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,100
Al and I have to go out of town
to a wedding next week.
206
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:49,033
Do you think you
could watch the house?
207
00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:51,234
Sure.
I love weddings.
208
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:52,934
Where are
they registered?
209
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:55,968
Department
of Immigration.
210
00:09:55,968 --> 00:09:57,100
How '80s.
211
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,167
Well, if you can't
find anything there,
212
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,300
we have a lot
of good gift catalogues.
213
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,267
Why don't you and Al
come over later?
214
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:05,634
Better yet,
come over without Al.
215
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,200
I'm afraid I'd have to.
216
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,868
He's mad at me
about the wedding.
217
00:10:08,868 --> 00:10:10,033
We had this big fight.
218
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:12,000
He was so cute.
219
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,100
He said
he wasn't coming home.
220
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,634
You don't
seem too concerned.
221
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:20,567
Marcie, this is Al.
222
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:21,868
I mean, where's
he gonna go?
223
00:10:21,868 --> 00:10:23,667
He might drive around
for a while
224
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:27,234
till he has to use
the bathroom and eat.
225
00:10:27,234 --> 00:10:29,701
Then he'll come
slinking back,
226
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:31,667
pretending
nothing happened,
227
00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:34,934
and we'll go to bed,
and nothing will happen.
228
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:39,067
Well, I'd be worried if Steve
threatened not to come home.
229
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:42,100
According to my book,
Man and Other Primates,
230
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,534
after a marital spat,
231
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:47,934
the man is most vulnerable
to outside stimuli.
232
00:10:47,934 --> 00:10:50,400
What does that mean?
233
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,534
There are a lot of man-hungry
barracudas out there.
234
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:54,834
The first little wink,
235
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,033
his shoes
will be under her bed.
236
00:10:57,033 --> 00:11:00,434
Well, that should
end it right there.
237
00:11:03,901 --> 00:11:07,167
Here it is,
home of the big boy.
238
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,434
I can't believe
you live in a building
239
00:11:13,434 --> 00:11:15,501
where all your neighbors
are stewardesses.
240
00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:18,200
I used to live in a building
with a lot of married people.
241
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,334
Sure, the sex was great
during the day,
242
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,734
but it got lonely
at night.
243
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:26,100
Take a load off.
Sit down.
244
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,234
No TV?
245
00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:30,534
It's in the bedroom
with the cameras.
246
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:33,667
You want a drink?
247
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:36,234
Yeah, uh...
got some scotch?
248
00:11:36,234 --> 00:11:38,133
I got everything.
249
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:43,067
One of the many benefits
of living in a stew zoo.
250
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:52,601
You want a deck of cards
or a barf bag or something?
251
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,033
Nah, I'm cool.
252
00:11:54,033 --> 00:11:57,534
Peggy must be
eating her heart out.
253
00:11:57,534 --> 00:11:59,167
If she could see me now.
254
00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,067
What a night,
huh, buddy?
255
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:02,634
I'm gonna kind of
get comfortable.
256
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,133
You make yourself
at home, buddy.
257
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:05,100
Yeah.
258
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,868
Eat your heart out, Peg.
259
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:23,868
* By the time
I get to Phoenix *
260
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:27,200
* She'll be risin' *
261
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:32,701
* Hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hmm hmm hmm her hair *
262
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,534
[DOORBELL RINGS]
263
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,267
Hi.
Hi.
264
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,834
We're the Cherry
sisters.
265
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,501
Terry and Sherry
Cherry.
266
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:57,634
I'm, uh...
uh...
267
00:12:57,634 --> 00:13:00,601
Al! Al Bundy.
That's right.
268
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,400
Luke!
Luke!
269
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,868
Cherries!
270
00:13:09,601 --> 00:13:11,534
We brought you this.
271
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:15,334
Our mother taught us never
to go anyplace empty-handed.
272
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,767
Or without a dime
for a phone call.
273
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:20,968
Oh, we didn't
bring anything for you.
274
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:23,033
Would you like our dime?
275
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,701
Aren't they sweet, Al?
276
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:29,400
Uh, Al! Al Bundy.
That's right.
277
00:13:32,634 --> 00:13:35,534
Ladies, I'd like you
to meet my friend,
278
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:37,667
Al "The King" Bundy.
279
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,667
LUKE:
Let's get
comfortable here.
280
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:40,901
Come on.
281
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:42,501
Ooh,
you redecorated.
282
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,067
Oh, I love it.
283
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,667
It's kind of
a Wild Kingdom feel.
284
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,033
I like it.
285
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,067
Luke, you know,
Sherry and I were just talking,
286
00:13:57,067 --> 00:14:00,801
and I really need
a man's opinion.
287
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,100
Okay.
Come sit on my lap.
288
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,267
Sure.
289
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:11,267
I don't know
what to do.
290
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,100
My boyfriend wants
to move in with me,
291
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,634
but he still wants
to see other people.
292
00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:17,033
Let me tell you something.
293
00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:18,601
You don't let him move in
294
00:14:18,601 --> 00:14:20,634
unless he's willing
to make a commitment.
295
00:14:20,634 --> 00:14:21,801
Thanks, Luke.
296
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:24,801
So you wanna go
in the bedroom?
297
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:27,000
Sure, as long as I'm here.
298
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:32,267
Everyone comes
to the answer man.
299
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:41,400
* You're once, twice
Three times a lady *
300
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,634
* And I love... *
301
00:14:46,234 --> 00:14:48,167
* You **
302
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,033
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
303
00:15:04,968 --> 00:15:07,501
So, what do you
do, Al?
304
00:15:07,501 --> 00:15:09,601
Oh, I'm a, I'm a...
305
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:11,534
You know, a shoe thing.
306
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:17,601
They're gonna
be in there a while.
307
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:20,367
Looks like
you're stuck with me.
308
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,367
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
309
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:30,601
Hello.
310
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,400
Oh, hi, sis.
311
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,167
Gee, you and Harriet
must really be excited.
312
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,767
Oh, I wanted to tell you
313
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:39,367
that Al and I
are coming to the wedding.
314
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:43,667
Well, don't cry.
I have to bring Al.
315
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,534
Jose called off
the wedding?!
316
00:15:46,534 --> 00:15:48,501
Why?
317
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:50,968
He won the lottery?
318
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:56,868
Oh, poor Harriet.
319
00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,968
Well, I'll tell Al.
320
00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:01,834
He'll just be devastated,
321
00:16:01,834 --> 00:16:04,868
but maybe we'll see you
for Schnitzel Week.
322
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:06,534
Love you too.
323
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,601
[PEG SIGHS]
324
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:09,734
Hi, Kel.
325
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:10,868
Hi, Mom.
326
00:16:10,868 --> 00:16:12,868
Is Dad
in the bathroom?
327
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,200
No.
328
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,567
If he's not
in the bathroom
329
00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:16,868
and he's not
watching television,
330
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,100
where else
could he be?
331
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,601
I think your father's
working late.
332
00:16:20,601 --> 00:16:23,100
The shoe store
closed hours ago.
333
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,701
You had a fight,
didn't you?
334
00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:28,667
Of course not.
What would we fight about?
335
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,667
The fact that you
have no money
336
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:34,801
and Bud and I are
great disappointments to you.
337
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:36,300
You are not
disappointments.
338
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:39,300
Look, we did have a fight,
but don't worry.
339
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,667
Your father
will be home soon.
340
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,167
Well, I hope
wherever Dad is,
341
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:47,000
he's nowhere near
another woman.
342
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,400
Mom,
I hate to tell you,
343
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,167
but as a boyfriend
stealer myself,
344
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,734
the best time
to get them
345
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:55,667
is right
after a fight.
346
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:58,868
Oh, who would
want your father?
347
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:00,868
Mom, let me tell you...
348
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:04,367
When a woman gets
to be around your age,
349
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:05,901
they get real desperate.
350
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:11,534
I've seen them
at the mall.
351
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:14,534
Their hungry, vacant eyes
scanning the escalators,
352
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,534
pretending to shop
near the men's dressing rooms,
353
00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:20,033
praying that
some man, any man,
354
00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:22,033
will walk up and say,
355
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:26,100
"Does this tie
go with this shirt?"
356
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,033
I don't have
to tell you what's next.
357
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,801
Can I have
Dad's chicken?
358
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,801
Sure, honey. Why don't you
take it upstairs.
359
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:36,300
Oh, look.
Don't worry about Daddy.
360
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,801
He'll be home soon,
361
00:17:37,801 --> 00:17:40,300
and I know where he is.
362
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,300
He's over at Telly's Bar
363
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:46,300
having a beer, watching the game
on the big screen,
364
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:49,167
lying about how many
shoes he's sold.
365
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,567
Hello, Telly?
366
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,601
Is Al Bundy there?
367
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,300
Well, could you
check the bathroom?
368
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,767
So my sister and I
got jobs as stewardesses
369
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:10,968
because we thought
370
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:14,601
that's the way
to become pilots.
371
00:18:14,601 --> 00:18:15,968
[TOILET FLUSHES]
372
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,767
The reason she's in first class
and I'm in coach
373
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:25,267
is 'cause she's much
smarter than I am.
374
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,767
One time I went
into the cockpit
375
00:18:27,767 --> 00:18:30,767
and I actually saw her
sitting on the pilot's lap
376
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:32,767
helping him fly
the plane.
377
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,767
She must have
been very good,
378
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:37,634
because he told
the copilot to get out.
379
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:43,801
You know, you have
very strong forearms.
380
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:44,968
Yeah.
381
00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:47,834
It must be from
all that flushing.
382
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:51,734
Well, that and,
you know, working out.
383
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:55,234
Yeah. You know, men are
always making passes at me
384
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:57,734
because they think
stews are easy,
385
00:18:57,734 --> 00:18:59,234
but we're not.
386
00:18:59,234 --> 00:19:00,701
TERRY:
Oh, Luke!
387
00:19:00,701 --> 00:19:03,400
Luke, Luke!
388
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,267
He's not
out here, sis!
389
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:16,367
Let me ask you
something, Al.
390
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:19,968
What does a nice guy
look for in a girl?
391
00:19:19,968 --> 00:19:22,300
Uh...you.
392
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:24,968
Really.
You're beautiful,
393
00:19:24,968 --> 00:19:26,467
and you're blond,
394
00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:27,767
and, uh...
395
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,133
you're facing me.
396
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:34,767
I like that in a woman.
397
00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:37,300
Don't worry. The right guy
is going to come along.
398
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,367
You know, I really feel
comfortable with you,
399
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:42,801
like I can talk to you
and be myself.
400
00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:44,267
I don't have to live up
401
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,133
to any of those
stereotyped expectations
402
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:47,601
everyone has
of a stewardess.
403
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:49,300
You know,
always waiting on people,
404
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:50,634
attending to their needs.
405
00:19:50,634 --> 00:19:52,734
Would you care
for a beverage?
406
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:53,901
No, thanks.
407
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,300
I'm looking for
a serious commitment,
408
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:58,000
Someone who'll
stay the night.
409
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,167
Then I gotta think there's
some guy out there for you.
410
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:07,300
I hope so.
411
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,434
See, I'm not like
my sister.
412
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,734
I need a man
to make me whole.
413
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:12,801
Ooh...
414
00:20:17,734 --> 00:20:21,267
Well, I think
I'd better get going.
415
00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:23,434
You want a massage?
416
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:24,634
Sure.
417
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,100
Ooh, you're tense.
418
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:33,100
And there are
tears in my eyes.
419
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:36,434
Well, I better
get going home.
420
00:20:36,434 --> 00:20:38,434
Can I come with you?
421
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:41,300
What are my chances
Peg's in a coma?
422
00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:44,501
No.
423
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:48,000
Listen, I know that
I'm in a bachelor's pad,
424
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,434
and that I've got
the forearms of a Java man,
425
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,968
but I gotta tell you...
426
00:20:53,968 --> 00:20:55,734
I'm married...
427
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,567
with children.
428
00:20:57,567 --> 00:20:58,767
That's okay.
429
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:01,767
Excuse me.
430
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,934
Uh, listen, you're
really, really great,
431
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,934
and any guy would be lucky
432
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:16,133
I mean, jackpot lucky,
to be with you,
433
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,834
but I hope
you'll understand.
434
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:19,434
See, I've been married
a long time,
435
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,434
and it just
wouldn't be right.
436
00:21:21,434 --> 00:21:23,934
You got any pictures
of yourself?
437
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:29,434
No. No, that wouldn't
be right either.
438
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:31,434
Listen, I gotta go.
439
00:21:31,434 --> 00:21:32,667
Take care.
440
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:34,667
You are so honorable.
441
00:21:34,667 --> 00:21:38,334
Your wife must be
really wonderful.
442
00:21:38,334 --> 00:21:40,133
Well, she's a pip...
443
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,067
But she's my pip.
444
00:21:45,934 --> 00:21:47,501
Hey, guys.
445
00:21:47,501 --> 00:21:49,567
You wanna make a movie?
446
00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:52,400
Yes, I do.
447
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,234
Goodbye.
448
00:21:57,701 --> 00:21:59,100
Yes, I do.
449
00:22:09,734 --> 00:22:11,601
[CAR PULLS UP]
450
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:20,701
Oh, gee, Al,
451
00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,467
I'm so glad you're home.
452
00:22:25,067 --> 00:22:26,267
Wear this.
453
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,000
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:20,400
[HUMMING "WHISTLE
WHILE YOU WORK"]
21
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,767
[DOORBELL RINGS]
22
00:01:25,934 --> 00:01:27,834
Hi, Marce. Thanks.
23
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,534
So I'm not crazy.
24
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:31,133
You did just call and say,
25
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,868
"Please bring over
your garbage"?
26
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:35,434
Yeah. This'll save me
a lot of work.
27
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:37,801
This garbage I'm making
doesn't smell.
28
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:40,634
Yours doesn't either.
29
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:44,033
Of course not.
We're vegetarian.
30
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:45,534
Well, that's okay.
31
00:01:45,534 --> 00:01:49,033
I'll just add a pair
of Al's socks.
32
00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:51,033
Peggy, what
are you doing?
33
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:52,901
I'm getting
myself a VCR.
34
00:01:54,534 --> 00:01:55,667
I see.
35
00:01:55,667 --> 00:01:56,968
No, you don't.
36
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,567
You're not a housewife.
37
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,067
You have your own money.
38
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:02,000
I have to use strategy.
39
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,667
You see,
when you first get married,
40
00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,567
you can withhold sex,
41
00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:08,067
but then they get
to like that,
42
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,067
so you have to put
a little spin on the ball.
43
00:02:12,434 --> 00:02:14,567
You see, I have to
pretend to clean
44
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,367
to remind Al
how hard my work is.
45
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:18,701
He'll come in that door
any minute,
46
00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,634
sit down on the couch,
47
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:22,567
put one hand
down his pants
48
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:25,501
and the other hand here,
on this VCR ad.
49
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:27,067
Excuse me, Peggy,
50
00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:30,133
but why don't you just say,
"Honey, I want a VCR"?
51
00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:32,601
Because Al works very hard
for his money,
52
00:02:32,601 --> 00:02:35,601
and he deserves me
to work equally as hard
53
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:38,534
to get him
to spend it on me.
54
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:41,534
To continue... He'll say,
"Why do we need a VCR?
55
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:44,901
Because you want to watch Phil
and tape Oprah?" Ha!
56
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,033
I mean, everyone knows
57
00:02:48,033 --> 00:02:50,868
that you watch Oprah
and tape Phil.
58
00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:55,033
Men. God love 'em.
59
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:57,534
They're just children
with paychecks.
60
00:02:57,534 --> 00:03:00,033
So I'll grovel
for a while,
61
00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:01,901
and I'll get my VCR.
62
00:03:01,901 --> 00:03:04,100
But don't you find
this demeaning?
63
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:07,701
Just the part where
I have to explain it to you.
64
00:03:07,701 --> 00:03:09,067
[DOOR SLAMS]
65
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,567
Ooh, there's his car.
66
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:12,300
I better get going.
67
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:13,701
Oh, no.
Stick around.
68
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:17,267
You might lose your job someday
and have to be a woman.
69
00:03:22,801 --> 00:03:24,300
Oh, hi, honey.
70
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,801
I didn't hear
you pull up.
71
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:28,300
How was your day?
72
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,300
I sell shoes, okay?
73
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,167
Jeez, it stinks in here.
74
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,467
Oh, well.
What's for dinner?
75
00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:41,267
What's this?
76
00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:42,767
Gee, I don't know.
77
00:03:42,767 --> 00:03:43,934
Let's see.
78
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:45,434
Son of a gun.
79
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,767
They're having
a sale on VCRs.
80
00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:49,267
What are those?
81
00:03:49,267 --> 00:03:50,767
Video Something
Recorders.
82
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:53,367
That's a good price,
isn't it?
83
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,567
It's not bad.
84
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,701
You know, if we had
one of these,
85
00:03:56,701 --> 00:03:59,033
you could tape the Cubs game
while you were at work.
86
00:03:59,033 --> 00:04:01,767
Come on. You just want one
because Phil and Oprah
87
00:04:01,767 --> 00:04:04,267
are on at the same time,
88
00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:05,868
and it's killing you.
89
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:08,767
Oh, please, Al.
Please, can I have one?
90
00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:09,934
Well...
91
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:12,300
Stop, please!
I can't stand any more.
92
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,801
Then maybe you should
go home. Please, Al.
93
00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:16,367
Al, this is so simple.
94
00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:17,801
Peggy wants a VCR,
95
00:04:17,801 --> 00:04:19,734
but she's afraid
you'll say no.
96
00:04:19,734 --> 00:04:21,667
Then she's smarter than you.
97
00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:25,801
Peggy, you don't have
to stand for this.
98
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:29,234
It is the tragedy of our times
that a housewife has to beg
99
00:04:29,234 --> 00:04:30,801
for what
she's entitled to.
100
00:04:30,801 --> 00:04:34,801
Just because Peggy Bundy's
contribution is in the home
101
00:04:34,801 --> 00:04:36,534
doesn't mean
it's any less valuable
102
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:38,133
than Al Bundy's
in the workplace.
103
00:04:38,133 --> 00:04:40,267
You can't have
a VCR.
104
00:04:41,567 --> 00:04:45,100
What gives you the right
to make that decision?
105
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:48,133
Because the name
on this check says Al Bumby.
106
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:51,100
Al Bumby?
107
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:52,601
Well, that's not important.
108
00:04:52,601 --> 00:04:55,601
What's important is
that I can cash it... maybe...
109
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:57,100
because I earned it,
110
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,501
and that's the bottom line.
111
00:04:58,501 --> 00:04:59,667
[DOORBELL RINGS]
112
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,000
I'll get the door,
113
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,467
and when I get back, Al,
we'll discuss this
114
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:05,300
while I spit-shine
your shoes.
115
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:08,367
Oh, hi, Steve.
Hi, Peggy.
116
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:11,100
Honey, I just wanted to tell you
This Old House is coming on.
117
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,033
Bob's gonna test
for a septic tank.
118
00:05:13,033 --> 00:05:16,601
Just a second, Steve.
I'm settling an argument here.
119
00:05:16,601 --> 00:05:21,200
Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive
throwback of a human being.
120
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,234
So, what's the argument?
121
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:27,968
Peggy, if Al doesn't appreciate
your contributions,
122
00:05:27,968 --> 00:05:29,701
then it's time
to take them elsewhere.
123
00:05:29,701 --> 00:05:32,467
You want a VCR,
I have the solution.
124
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:34,567
You're going
to get a job.
125
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:41,267
She's not getting a job.
126
00:05:41,267 --> 00:05:43,968
You know, Al, it's probably
none of my business,
127
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:46,100
but there are advantages
to having a working wife.
128
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:48,100
For one thing,
it gave us enough money
129
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,467
to buy the house
next to yours.
130
00:05:50,467 --> 00:05:52,667
No, wait,
that's a disadvantage.
131
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,067
But there are some advantages.
132
00:05:54,067 --> 00:05:56,400
Like what?
You tell him, Al.
133
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,734
Well, for one thing, you'll have
two paychecks coming in.
134
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,200
It sure helps around bill time.
135
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,367
I don't care.
136
00:06:01,367 --> 00:06:03,567
In the history
of the Bundy family,
137
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:05,067
no wife has ever worked
138
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:07,467
outside or inside
the home.
139
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,667
I'm not about to change.
140
00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,133
Think of Peggy.
141
00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:14,434
What, do you think she
wants to sit around all day
142
00:06:14,434 --> 00:06:15,634
just watching TV?
143
00:06:17,934 --> 00:06:20,601
Women aren't
like that anymore.
144
00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:23,601
You know, I talked
with a customer today
145
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:26,367
who had a job that would
be perfect for Peggy.
146
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:29,300
Oh, gee, guys.
I already have a job.
147
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:30,801
My family needs me.
148
00:06:30,801 --> 00:06:33,634
Kelly, honey, you want me
to make you some dinner?
149
00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,634
Oh, no, Mom. I'm gonna eat
at Joanie's house.
150
00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:37,434
Her mom makes
homemade stuff.
151
00:06:37,434 --> 00:06:38,834
Oh. Well, be careful.
152
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:41,067
You never know
what they put in that.
153
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:45,467
15 is the most
crucial age of all.
154
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:47,300
You really have to
keep after them.
155
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:49,801
Oh, and, Bud, my baby.
156
00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,801
Excuse me,
but I promised Bud
157
00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:53,601
I'd help him
with his homework.
158
00:06:53,601 --> 00:06:55,167
It's all done, Mom.
159
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:56,901
Oh, and I wrote that letter
for you
160
00:06:56,901 --> 00:06:59,133
to get you
out of jury duty.
161
00:06:59,133 --> 00:07:01,133
Well, you must be tired.
162
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:02,701
Do you want something to eat?
163
00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:05,467
No thanks. I don't have time
to cook right now, Mom.
164
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:10,601
Peggy, the kids
are obviously old enough
165
00:07:10,601 --> 00:07:12,601
to take care
of themselves.
166
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:14,601
And Al, well,
he'll learn.
167
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,601
Just put an L and an R
on each of his shoes,
168
00:07:17,601 --> 00:07:20,300
and he should be fine.
169
00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:21,834
Careful, Steve.
170
00:07:21,834 --> 00:07:24,934
Someone's gonna steal
this one away.
171
00:07:24,934 --> 00:07:28,267
I think we're overlooking
the most important thing.
172
00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:29,767
And that is,
what does Peggy want?
173
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:31,801
Yes. What does
Peggy want?
174
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:33,300
I want a VCR.
175
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:35,834
And the only way
to get it
176
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:37,300
and feel good
about yourself
177
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,300
is to get this job.
178
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:42,167
You do want to work,
don't you?
179
00:07:44,634 --> 00:07:46,133
Then it's settled.
180
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,634
I'm so excited.
181
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,834
I can't wait to go home
and call about the job.
182
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,300
Come on, Steve.
183
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:53,100
Welcome to
the work force, Peg.
184
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,901
Now, remember, kids,
185
00:08:01,901 --> 00:08:03,901
this is your mother's
first day at work.
186
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,934
She's probably a little nervous,
a little insecure.
187
00:08:05,934 --> 00:08:07,767
So when she comes down
those stairs,
188
00:08:07,767 --> 00:08:09,934
I want everyone to stand
behind her like a family.
189
00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:11,601
Try not to laugh.
190
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,467
[DOORBELL RINGS]
191
00:08:16,934 --> 00:08:19,801
Hi, Al. Came to pick Peggy
up for work.
192
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,467
Well, how do I look?
193
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:29,567
You look great.
194
00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:30,567
Fabulous.
195
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:31,567
Super.
196
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:32,567
Fabulous.
197
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,567
Groovy.
198
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:34,601
Fabulous.
199
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,100
That's enough.
200
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,367
All right, Peg.
A few words of advice.
201
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:41,667
As soon as you walk
out that door,
202
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:43,067
you'll feel
a warm sensation
203
00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:44,634
on your head
and shoulders.
204
00:08:44,634 --> 00:08:47,501
Don't panic. That's just
our friend, the sun.
205
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:53,968
And Al, if you should feel
a sudden sharp pain
206
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,467
where you sit,
207
00:08:55,467 --> 00:08:58,334
that's just your friend,
my foot.
208
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:02,467
Come on, Peggy.
You're gonna love this.
209
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,033
You're gonna
come home tonight
210
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:05,734
with a real sense
of accomplishment.
211
00:09:05,734 --> 00:09:06,868
Yeah, you're right.
212
00:09:06,868 --> 00:09:08,601
I've been cooped up
in this house
213
00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:10,167
much too long.
214
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:12,801
It's time to say goodbye
and move on.
215
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,501
Goodbye, Bud.
216
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:19,200
[STRAINED]
Mom, please,
you're a strong woman.
217
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,501
Goodbye, Kelly.
218
00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:23,868
Mom, my hair.
219
00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:34,200
Well, Al,
I'm off to work.
220
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:39,367
Thank you, Al.
You have a good day too.
221
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:40,834
Don't worry, Peggy,
it'll be fine.
222
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,167
It's gonna be
a great job,
223
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:44,701
and you'll
be surprised
224
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:47,067
at just how quickly
the day goes by.
225
00:09:48,634 --> 00:09:50,501
[CLOCKS TICKING]
226
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:53,701
[HUMMING QUIETLY]
227
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:17,167
Do you have any clocks?
228
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:18,901
No.
229
00:10:24,367 --> 00:10:26,367
Oprah's doing
a whole week
230
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:27,467
on "Transsexuals:
231
00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:29,367
Which bathroom
should they use?"
232
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,367
Really?
Phil's doing a show
233
00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:34,367
on "Male Potency:
A thing of the past."
234
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:37,367
You know,
nowadays
235
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:38,701
you really need
a VCR.
236
00:10:38,701 --> 00:10:40,601
Yeah.
Let's buy one.
237
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:42,067
Let's get two.
238
00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:47,033
Oh, hello. I'm Mr. Pond.
Ernst Pond.
239
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:49,033
I'm one
of your superiors.
240
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:51,167
You have many.
Now, let's see...
241
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:53,567
is it Miss Bundy
or Mrs.?
242
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:54,567
Ms.
243
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:56,100
Ah. Then it's Miss.
244
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,400
It's Mrs.
245
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,501
Hey, look.
246
00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:00,400
Do you have any openings
in the TV department?
247
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,067
You just
don't start in TV.
248
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:04,567
You rise to it.
249
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:07,567
Besides, we prefer to put men
in the TV department.
250
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,300
We find women tend
to waste a lot of time
251
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,133
watching Oprah.
252
00:11:12,133 --> 00:11:14,667
Or is it Phil?
I get them confused.
253
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,667
Hey, did you love
that training film?
254
00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:20,234
Muldin's:
The First 100 Years.
255
00:11:20,234 --> 00:11:24,200
How in the world did you get
William Shatner to narrate?
256
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,834
We gave him a VCR.
257
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:30,200
Didn't you love
that aerial shot
258
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,701
of all the employees spelling
out the name Muldin's?
259
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:36,701
Yeah. Wasn't it the top
of your head I saw
260
00:11:36,701 --> 00:11:38,067
dotting the I?
261
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,868
It was.
262
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:43,667
Now I leave you
to your happy task, Mrs. Bundy
263
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:45,067
And don't forget.
264
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,367
Tomorrow is daylight
savings time
265
00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:49,367
so you have to reset
all the clocks.
266
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:50,734
Have a Muldin's day.
267
00:11:56,868 --> 00:12:00,200
WOMAN:
And 1 and 2
and 3 and 4.
268
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,367
On your back
and 2 and 3 and 4.
269
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:08,801
Like a dog
and 2 and 3 and 4.
270
00:12:08,801 --> 00:12:10,234
[DOORKNOB RATTLES]
271
00:12:10,234 --> 00:12:11,734
[CHANNEL CHANGES]
272
00:12:11,734 --> 00:12:13,367
[CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING]
273
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,234
Hi, Bud.
274
00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:17,234
Hi, Mom.
275
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:20,100
So how was your
first day at work?
276
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,667
Much like my first day
as a mother.
277
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,234
Where's your sister?
278
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:26,067
Kelly!
279
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,934
Mom's home.
280
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,901
Mom!
281
00:12:30,901 --> 00:12:35,434
Oh. I missed you
so much.
282
00:12:42,634 --> 00:12:44,133
Well, I better go.
283
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:45,367
I have someone
waiting for me.
284
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:46,868
Can I have $5.00?
285
00:12:46,868 --> 00:12:48,067
Yeah.
286
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:51,067
Thanks, Mom.
287
00:12:57,701 --> 00:12:59,234
Where's your daddy?
288
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:00,534
He went out in the garage.
289
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:03,367
What did he make you
for dinner?
290
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,334
Marshmallows.
291
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,734
Well, where's the dog?
292
00:13:07,734 --> 00:13:09,334
He's out
barfing marshmallows.
293
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:12,734
It looks like winter
out there.
294
00:13:12,734 --> 00:13:14,167
Go clean it up.
295
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:15,200
Right, Mom.
296
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,334
You look beat.
297
00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:25,534
Fix me some dinner, okay?
298
00:13:26,634 --> 00:13:28,667
Forget it, Al.
I'm too tired.
299
00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:30,167
Well, I'm tired too,
300
00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:33,000
but I made dinner
for the kids.
301
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,334
Marshmallows, Al?
302
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,667
Hey, we
toasted them, Peg.
303
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:38,133
I am not cooking
dinner, Al.
304
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,434
I work now.
305
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:40,968
And I'm glad that you do.
306
00:13:40,968 --> 00:13:42,968
Because now that you're
bringing in some extra money,
307
00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:44,567
we can get
some stuff we need.
308
00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:45,801
New bike for Bud,
309
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:47,300
a tutor for Kelly,
310
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,701
and maybe some
fishing gear for me.
311
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:52,467
Hey, wait a minute, Al.
What about my VCR?
312
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,467
This is my money
we're talking about now.
313
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,467
How come when I make it,
it's our money,
314
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:59,968
but when you make it,
it's your money?
315
00:13:59,968 --> 00:14:02,300
Well, we'll leave that
to the historians.
316
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,634
But in the meantime,
anything you make is our money,
317
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:06,300
and we're getting
fishing gear.
318
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:07,901
I don't want fishing gear.
319
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:10,801
Hey, I didn't want new clothes
for the kids,
320
00:14:10,801 --> 00:14:12,334
but I gave in.
321
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:14,334
And what's good
for the goose
322
00:14:14,334 --> 00:14:16,834
is good for
the goose's wife.
323
00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:18,167
Great to be working
isn't it?
324
00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:19,501
[DOORBELL RINGS]
325
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:21,200
Get the door, Al.
I work now.
326
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,767
You get the door.
I work too.
327
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:23,934
I got home last.
328
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:25,300
I work longer.
329
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,868
Then you should be used to it.
Now, go see who it is.
330
00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:34,367
It's Marcie.
331
00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:43,934
Hi, Peggy.
How was your first day at work?
332
00:14:43,934 --> 00:14:45,467
I hate working.
333
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,334
That's why
I got married.
334
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:51,300
And now I'm not even
getting a VCR.
335
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,801
Oh, the kids are getting
what they want.
336
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:55,801
Al's getting
what he wants.
337
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:56,968
But me? Hmph.
338
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:59,934
I miss Phil.
I miss Oprah.
339
00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:02,367
I miss my empty life.
340
00:15:03,534 --> 00:15:04,868
Congratulations,
Peggy.
341
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:08,167
You've learned what it is
to be a woman of today.
342
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,667
The freedom to make
your own choices.
343
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,167
You tried work.
344
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:12,501
You hate it.
345
00:15:12,501 --> 00:15:14,000
Now you can
choose to quit.
346
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,501
No, I can't.
347
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:17,000
You see,
Al comes home every day,
348
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,868
and if I ask him
to do something for me
349
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:22,200
or to me,
350
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,033
he says he's
too tired from work.
351
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:26,534
So if I quit,
352
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,734
then he'll know that I know
that work is hard.
353
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:29,934
And that'll be the end
354
00:15:29,934 --> 00:15:32,601
of any fun
I'll have in our marriage.
355
00:15:32,601 --> 00:15:34,601
No. The only way out
356
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:37,300
is to get Al
to make me quit.
357
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,534
Then you're gonna
keep the job?
358
00:15:39,534 --> 00:15:41,033
I have to.
359
00:15:41,033 --> 00:15:43,367
Well, I meant
what's best for you.
360
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:45,300
I think it'll
work out fine.
361
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,634
And don't think I don't
appreciate it, Marcie.
362
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:58,667
Hello, Pizza Shack?
363
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,667
I'd like 15 of your
Gutbucket pizzas
364
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:03,534
delivered to
Marcie Rhoades.
365
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:08,334
Oh, free garlic bread
with every order?
366
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,634
No, thanks.
We'll pay for it.
367
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,400
Okay, kids!
Marshmallows are ready!
368
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,334
Marshmallows again?
369
00:16:23,334 --> 00:16:24,834
They're fresh today,
370
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:27,367
we don't
have to toast them,
371
00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:30,067
and they're on a bun.
372
00:16:32,734 --> 00:16:34,634
Dad,
it's been a week.
373
00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:36,200
Why don't you just
break down
374
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,367
and go to the supermarket
and buy some actual food?
375
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,701
You know, the kind
Mom used to defrost.
376
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:41,868
No.
377
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:43,367
I hate the supermarket.
378
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:47,367
I always wind up in the
2000 Items or Less aisle
379
00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:50,868
behind some ugly lady
in a muumuu and curlers.
380
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:52,868
And when everything
is totaled up,
381
00:16:52,868 --> 00:16:54,367
then they go for
the checkbook,
382
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:57,000
like it never occurred to them
that they have to pay.
383
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,400
And then they always
turn around
384
00:16:58,400 --> 00:16:59,701
and ask me,
"What's the date?"
385
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:01,234
Like it matters to me.
386
00:17:01,234 --> 00:17:04,367
All they gotta do is look
at the date on their milk.
387
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:06,734
and add one.
388
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,734
Come on. Let's have
some enthusiasm here.
389
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:11,901
Campfire burgers
for everybody.
390
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:14,334
Buck! Dinner!
391
00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:17,901
Where is
that stupid dog?
392
00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:19,000
[DOORBELL RINGS]
393
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,400
Come in!
394
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,901
Al, you know your dog just
jumped the fence into my yard?
395
00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:26,267
He's coughing up
little white puffs.
396
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,267
All right, then,
there's more for us, eh, kids?
397
00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:36,434
All right.
Go get him back.
398
00:17:36,434 --> 00:17:37,767
How, Dad?
399
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:40,434
Well, I was saving this
chocolate bar for me,
400
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,067
but he is
the family dog.
401
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,501
Don't give it to him.
402
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:45,200
Just draw him
with the scent.
403
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,067
Go on. It's the only protein
in the house.
404
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:58,234
That's all right.
I got 15 more pizzas at home.
405
00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:03,534
So, Al...
406
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:05,968
How's Peggy's new job
working out?
407
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:07,400
Oh, great, Steve.
408
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,400
Yeah, she's pulling in
a clear 90 bucks a week.
409
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,400
Of course she's spending
400 bucks a week.
410
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,434
Yeah, she needed
a new smock at Muldin's,
411
00:18:15,434 --> 00:18:17,901
then, of course,
she needed some new clothes.
412
00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:19,567
And then she wanted
some new shoes.
413
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:21,968
Well, that's no problem.
You sell shoes.
414
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,734
No, she wanted
good shoes.
415
00:18:24,734 --> 00:18:26,334
So the way I figure it,
416
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:27,834
if she keeps working
any longer,
417
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:29,701
we'll all be living
in the gutter.
418
00:18:29,701 --> 00:18:31,601
Actually, I won't
be living in the gutter.
419
00:18:31,601 --> 00:18:35,234
I'll be in prison
for killing your wife.
420
00:18:35,234 --> 00:18:39,434
Well, before you go down
that long, lonesome road, Al,
421
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:41,434
why don't you
try this?
422
00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:42,934
Ask Peggy to quit.
423
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:44,367
No, I can't do that.
424
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:48,033
See, the truth is,
I like having her at home.
425
00:18:48,033 --> 00:18:49,934
Well, she'd love
to hear that.
426
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:51,434
Yeah, I'm sure
she would,
427
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,434
but I'm not
gonna tell her.
428
00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:57,200
Because then I'd have
nothing to complain about,
429
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,634
and I love complaining.
430
00:18:58,634 --> 00:19:00,133
No, if I got her to quit,
431
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,701
she'd lord it over me
for the rest of my life.
432
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:05,200
She'd say, "I wanted to work,
but you want me home,
433
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,133
so now I'm home,
so shut up!"
434
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:11,767
And that would be the end
of all my fun in the marriage.
435
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,968
No, I gotta think
of another way.
436
00:19:13,968 --> 00:19:15,133
Ah, gee, Al,
437
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,801
I don't like to butt
into your business--
438
00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:19,167
No, go ahead.
Pretend you're your wife.
439
00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:26,901
Okay. I think you have
to take into consideration
440
00:19:26,901 --> 00:19:28,467
what's best for Peggy.
441
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,033
Why would I do that?
442
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:47,167
Oh, hi, hon. I didn't
hear you come in.
443
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:51,434
Gee, you made it all the way
to the couch this time.
444
00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:53,434
How's work?
Are you still enjoying it?
445
00:19:53,434 --> 00:19:54,767
What's that noise?
446
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:55,934
What noise?
447
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,300
I hear ticking.
448
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,767
Oh...it's you.
449
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:04,634
Me?
450
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:12,267
I'll tell you an interesting
thing about this watch, Peg.
451
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:15,267
You put it in water,
you ruin it.
452
00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:18,300
Is there anything
you want to tell me, Peg?
453
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,133
No. Anything you
want to tell me?
454
00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:22,300
No.
455
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:26,801
Oh, the dog
has the runs.
456
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:29,801
Are you gonna do
any housework tonight, Peg?
457
00:20:29,801 --> 00:20:31,801
I have a job, Al.
458
00:20:31,801 --> 00:20:34,300
Unless you want me
to quit.
459
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:35,300
No.
460
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,300
Unless you want
to quit.
461
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:40,300
Well, then, I guess
we're both kind of happy, huh?
462
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,167
Yep.
463
00:20:42,801 --> 00:20:44,067
Mom. Dad.
464
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:47,200
There's something we have
to talk to you about.
465
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,067
We really miss you
around the house, Mom.
466
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:52,601
Yeah. No offense
to you, Dad,
467
00:20:52,601 --> 00:20:54,534
but we're starving
and we're dirty.
468
00:20:57,100 --> 00:21:00,200
I think we need you
to take care of us, Mom.
469
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,868
I know we're at an age
470
00:21:01,868 --> 00:21:04,300
where we ought to be able
to take care of ourselves,
471
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:05,801
but we can't.
472
00:21:05,801 --> 00:21:07,434
We want you
to quit your job.
473
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,434
What do you
say, Peg?
474
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:12,367
Well, the kids
have to come first.
475
00:21:13,701 --> 00:21:14,934
Okay.
476
00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:16,100
I'll quit.
477
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:18,601
But only because
I love you.
478
00:21:18,601 --> 00:21:20,100
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
479
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:21,434
You hear that, kids?
480
00:21:21,434 --> 00:21:23,634
Your mother
is quite a lady.
481
00:21:23,634 --> 00:21:25,634
Now, Peg, are you gonna
go shopping tomorrow
482
00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:26,667
and get some groceries?
483
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,767
If I have time.
484
00:21:27,767 --> 00:21:29,667
What do you mean,
if you have time?
485
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:30,901
You don't do
anything else.
486
00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:32,634
Okay, Al.
I'll go shopping.
487
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:36,567
But if I do, I'll miss Phil,
and I'll miss Oprah
488
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:37,968
and the Cubs game.
489
00:21:37,968 --> 00:21:39,467
But that's all right, Al.
490
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:42,501
You'll get me a VCR
when you're ready.
491
00:21:43,968 --> 00:21:47,133
Are you ready, Al?
Please, please, please.
492
00:21:47,133 --> 00:21:50,567
Well, since you
put it like that...
493
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:53,000
Sure. Why not?
494
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,734
AL:
Hey, we can go
to Muldin's.
495
00:21:54,734 --> 00:21:57,901
We can still use
your employee discount.
496
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,434
Oh, I don't
think so, Al.
497
00:21:59,434 --> 00:22:01,934
I think they're kind of
mad at me.
498
00:22:01,934 --> 00:22:04,601
I kind of damaged
some merchandise.
499
00:22:04,601 --> 00:22:07,601
That'll be a nice gift
for Steve and Marcie.
500
00:22:07,601 --> 00:22:08,467
Oh, yeah.
501
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:16,434
Well, we did it.
502
00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:19,434
Yep. Does Mom know
Dad paid us?
503
00:22:19,434 --> 00:22:20,767
Nope.
504
00:22:20,767 --> 00:22:24,100
Dad know
Mom paid us?
505
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:25,133
Nope.
506
00:22:26,767 --> 00:22:29,767
Does Mom know
about your phony ID?
507
00:22:29,767 --> 00:22:31,000
Nope.
508
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,934
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:17,934
[DOORBELL RINGS]
21
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:19,434
One minute!
22
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:21,801
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
23
00:01:24,968 --> 00:01:27,467
Will you please
turn it down?
24
00:01:27,467 --> 00:01:29,968
[ROCK MUSIC
CONTINUES TO PLAY]
25
00:01:29,968 --> 00:01:31,167
Thanks.
26
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:40,767
Turn it off!
27
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,934
[MUSIC STOPS]
28
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:44,801
I'm sorry.
29
00:01:44,801 --> 00:01:47,200
You have no idea
what it's like
30
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,133
having music
blaring all day long.
31
00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:50,634
Yes, we do.
32
00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:52,667
That's why we came over.
33
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:53,868
I'm sorry.
34
00:01:53,868 --> 00:01:55,300
It's just that the kids
35
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:56,667
were home sick
from school today.
36
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,501
Nothing serious,
I hope.
37
00:01:58,501 --> 00:02:01,167
No, just one of those bugs
that goes around.
38
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,033
You know, where they're sick
for two hours,
39
00:02:03,033 --> 00:02:06,000
then they make you sick
for the rest of your life.
40
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,501
Coffee?
41
00:02:07,501 --> 00:02:09,000
No.
No.
42
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,400
Steve and I can't wait
until we have kids.
43
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,901
Giving birth
to a child must be
44
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:16,400
one of the most
beautiful experiences
45
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,300
in God's universe.
46
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:19,901
I wouldn't know.
47
00:02:19,901 --> 00:02:22,267
I was unconscious
for a week.
48
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:25,968
I kind of miss that.
49
00:02:27,901 --> 00:02:29,400
BUD:
Mom!
50
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,434
Kelly tied my face
to the speaker!
51
00:02:32,434 --> 00:02:34,934
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
52
00:02:34,934 --> 00:02:36,434
Ma!
53
00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:37,734
Excuse me.
54
00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:45,367
The mistakes she's making!
55
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:49,367
Maybe we should loan her
some of our child-rearing books!
56
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:50,868
I don't know,
Marcie!
57
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:53,367
I don't think Al and Peggy
read much!
58
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:55,734
[MUSIC STOPS]
59
00:02:57,467 --> 00:03:01,868
I wish we could spend
more time with Bud and Kelly.
60
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:02,934
I just know we'd have
61
00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:05,467
such a positive, creative
influence on them.
62
00:03:05,467 --> 00:03:08,334
PEG:
And if I hear another peep
out of you two,
63
00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:11,801
I am gonna tie
your throats together.
64
00:03:11,801 --> 00:03:13,601
Well, that's
pretty creative.
65
00:03:13,601 --> 00:03:16,100
I'm sorry you had
to be here for this.
66
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:18,100
I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.
67
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,601
Kids aren't so bad.
68
00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:21,467
I remember,
one Mother's Day,
69
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,734
they surprised me
with the sweetest...
70
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:26,234
Oh, no,
that wasn't them.
71
00:03:26,234 --> 00:03:27,901
I saw that on TV.
72
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:31,067
Oh, Peggy.
73
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:33,567
You know, it sounds like
you need to get away.
74
00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:34,834
I thought about that,
75
00:03:34,834 --> 00:03:36,501
but then Al and the kids
76
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:39,601
would just hunt me down
and drag me back.
77
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:42,133
No, I meant
for a vacation.
78
00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:44,634
Hire a babysitter
and take off for the weekend.
79
00:03:44,634 --> 00:03:46,634
We used to have
babysitters,
80
00:03:46,634 --> 00:03:49,467
but word of mouth
kills you.
81
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,934
What about your relatives?
82
00:03:50,934 --> 00:03:53,701
Again, it's that
word of mouth thing.
83
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,701
Well, if you really want
to get out of town,
84
00:03:55,701 --> 00:03:57,901
we wouldn't mind taking
the kids for a weekend,
85
00:03:57,901 --> 00:03:59,000
Would we, Steve?
86
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,701
Well, I...
The ones upstairs?
87
00:04:00,701 --> 00:04:02,200
It would be fun.
88
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:06,200
It would be good practice
for when we have children.
89
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,701
You wouldn't mind?
90
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:11,868
Of course not.
91
00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:17,200
Oh, hi, honey. Look,
Steve and Marcie are here.
92
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,634
Yeah, I know.
93
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:20,634
I've been
circling the block
94
00:04:20,634 --> 00:04:23,467
waiting for them
to leave,
95
00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:26,467
but I finally
ran out of gas.
96
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,901
Well, they've agreed to take
the kids for the weekend.
97
00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:31,133
Great!
98
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:33,534
Yeah, so you and me
can go away by ourselves.
99
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,634
You mean
we have to leave?
100
00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:38,567
Gee, it sounded good
for a second.
101
00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:41,067
Come on, Al, we never get
to go anywhere.
102
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:44,100
Honey, if I wanted to
go away, even with you,
103
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:46,100
it wouldn't be
this weekend.
104
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,601
The fight's on Saturday.
105
00:04:47,601 --> 00:04:48,601
Oh, Al.
106
00:04:48,601 --> 00:04:50,100
You always
watch sports.
107
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,601
Well, not this weekend!
108
00:04:51,601 --> 00:04:53,100
We're going away.
109
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,601
I'm watching the fight.
110
00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:56,100
You're not watching
the fight.
111
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,601
I'm watching the fight!
112
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,067
You're not watching
the fight, Al.
113
00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:00,467
Oh, really, dear?
114
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,767
It's not being carried
on network TV.
115
00:05:04,767 --> 00:05:06,267
It's only on cable.
116
00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:07,801
Ha! And we don't
have cable TV.
117
00:05:07,801 --> 00:05:09,267
Well, that settles it.
118
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,767
Come on, Marcie,
let's get the phone book
119
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:14,033
and pick a nice, cheap
little love nest.
120
00:05:15,434 --> 00:05:16,934
This was your idea?
121
00:05:16,934 --> 00:05:18,167
No.
122
00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:19,667
I can't believe it.
123
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:22,033
The entire weekend I have
to spend alone with my wife.
124
00:05:22,033 --> 00:05:23,667
Steve, you are
the biggest--
125
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:25,167
By the way,
do you have cable?
126
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,367
No.
127
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:29,033
The biggest idiot
I ever met!
128
00:05:30,434 --> 00:05:31,968
You got me into this.
129
00:05:31,968 --> 00:05:33,834
The entire weekend
alone with my wife.
130
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,400
Al, why don't you just go.
Relax. Enjoy yourself.
131
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,400
Steve, look out
in the kitchen there.
132
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,767
You see that redhead?
133
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:45,667
Try to picture her
in heat.
134
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,400
I'm sorry, Al.
135
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,334
Yeah. That and a dime will
get you a cup of coffee.
136
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,334
Where, Al?
137
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:57,601
Shut up.
138
00:05:57,601 --> 00:06:00,000
I gotta think. I gotta find
a place to watch the fight
139
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,567
so I can get out
of this.
140
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:04,334
Al, I got the answer
to all your problems.
141
00:06:04,334 --> 00:06:06,601
Well, not all your problems,
but this problem.
142
00:06:06,601 --> 00:06:08,968
The fight is being carried
on Spectravision,
143
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,667
and I know
who's got it.
144
00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:11,934
This little place
145
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:14,334
right across the state
line in Wisconsin,
146
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:16,334
the Come 'n' Go motel.
147
00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:22,467
How would you know
about a place like that?
148
00:06:22,467 --> 00:06:25,334
I've come and gone
a few times.
149
00:06:25,334 --> 00:06:26,367
With Marcie?
150
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:27,834
Well, actually,
before Marcie.
151
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,968
You dog, you.
152
00:06:29,968 --> 00:06:31,868
Now, don't say anything
to Marcie.
153
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:33,400
I wouldn't want her
to find out
154
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,467
about some of the wild oats
I sowed.
155
00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:37,234
So this is
just between us, okay?
156
00:06:37,234 --> 00:06:38,734
Sure. Hey, Peg,
157
00:06:38,734 --> 00:06:40,834
Steve just recommended
this little place,
158
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,567
the Come 'n' Go motel!
159
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,834
He says it's
a real passion pit!
160
00:06:46,234 --> 00:06:49,467
I don't remember us
going there, Steve.
161
00:06:51,234 --> 00:06:52,701
Marcie!
162
00:06:52,701 --> 00:06:56,100
I can't believe
you forgot that night.
163
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,601
I don't know
where my mind is.
164
00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:03,100
I'm sorry, Steve.
165
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:05,701
I should hope so.
166
00:07:07,834 --> 00:07:09,200
But I forgive you.
167
00:07:12,434 --> 00:07:14,434
You're really
gonna love this place.
168
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,934
Oh, gee,
it sounds great.
169
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,467
I'm gonna make
the reservation right now.
170
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:19,934
That was beautiful,
Steve.
171
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:22,868
Oh, thanks, Al. And thanks
for selling me out too.
172
00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:24,167
No problem.
173
00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:26,467
Now, listen, this is gonna
work out great for me,
174
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,534
except for one thing.
175
00:07:28,534 --> 00:07:31,767
She's gonna want some sex.
176
00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:35,367
Now, do I watch the fight first,
then give her a jump?
177
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:40,367
No. No, that's no good,
because with that on my mind,
178
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:41,868
I'll be all anxious
and tense.
179
00:07:41,868 --> 00:07:44,000
I won't be able
to enjoy the fight. No.
180
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,033
Best thing to do would be
to bed her down first.
181
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:49,834
That way, I'll enjoy
the rest of the day.
182
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,767
Now, let's see...
Fight comes on at 5:00,
183
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,667
figure a half-hour
for the drive,
184
00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:54,868
check-in, 10 minutes,
185
00:07:54,868 --> 00:07:57,100
another five minutes
to go to the bathroom,
186
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:59,467
then I pleasure Peg.
187
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:00,934
That should give me
enough time
188
00:08:00,934 --> 00:08:03,701
to shower, eat, and get ready
to have a good time.
189
00:08:03,701 --> 00:08:05,467
I love you, Al.
190
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:08,300
Right back at you.
191
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:16,100
I'm really looking
forward to this.
192
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,334
I think we'll learn a lot
about raising children
193
00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:20,501
and they'll learn a lot
about being themselves,
194
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,534
and if we run into any problems,
we'll get the answer.
195
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:25,367
One thing's for sure.
196
00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:27,601
It will be a nice change
for the kids.
197
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:29,968
AL: You have no vote!
You're staying with them!
198
00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:34,667
KELLY:
But, Dad, they're gross.
199
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,133
AL: It's not my fault
they moved in next door.
200
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:42,000
PEG: Shut up, Al.
They have their uses.
201
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:45,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
202
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:54,834
This is very nice
of you two.
203
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,200
Oh, it's
our pleasure.
204
00:08:58,334 --> 00:09:00,834
The dog too.
205
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:03,133
Better and better.
206
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,100
Now, Marcie, here's a list
of dos and don'ts.
207
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,701
And a very special don't:
No parties.
208
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:10,000
Mom.
209
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,300
Especially Kelly.
210
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,234
It's a promise
we made the police.
211
00:09:14,534 --> 00:09:17,434
Come on, Peg. We should've left
two minutes ago.
212
00:09:17,434 --> 00:09:18,934
Ooh, you're anxious.
213
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,801
More than
you can imagine.
214
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:27,868
Well, kids, I think your parents
are really gonna miss you.
215
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,367
[CAR ENGINE REVS]
216
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,234
PEG:
Al, wait for me!
217
00:09:33,868 --> 00:09:35,868
[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
218
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,367
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
219
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,734
[CAR SPEEDS AWAY]
220
00:09:40,868 --> 00:09:43,367
Now, Bud, Kelly...
221
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:45,167
don't think of us
as babysitters.
222
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,100
Think of us
as best friends.
223
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:49,267
Steve, would you like
to tell our best friends
224
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:50,667
what we have
for them?
225
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,434
Not really, Marcie.
226
00:09:52,434 --> 00:09:53,934
Then I will.
227
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:55,434
We have art projects
228
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:58,434
and a game recommended
by Psychology Today.
229
00:09:58,434 --> 00:10:00,934
It's a game
of role playing.
230
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,267
I'm gonna
make a call.
231
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:04,801
I'm gonna use
your bathroom.
232
00:10:06,734 --> 00:10:09,467
We're having some fun now,
huh, Marce?
233
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:11,834
I hope you're not gonna
be this way
234
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:13,033
with our children.
235
00:10:13,033 --> 00:10:16,234
I'm hoping our children
will like us.
236
00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:18,367
These children
like us.
237
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:21,534
No, I'm at
these dorks' house.
238
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:24,067
Yeah, give everybody
this number.
239
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:26,067
They can call as late
as they want to.
240
00:10:26,067 --> 00:10:27,334
It's like death here.
241
00:10:28,601 --> 00:10:30,100
Well,
all in all,
242
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,434
I think it's gonna
turn out just fine.
243
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:34,801
Hey, Kelly, look!
244
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:38,934
Even Mrs. Rhoades has
a bigger bra size than you.
245
00:10:46,734 --> 00:10:49,734
Oh, gee!
The room is beautiful.
246
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:51,567
Get in
the bed, Peg.
247
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,667
Al!
248
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:56,167
Peg, it's almost 5:00.
249
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,434
I can't believe
the traffic.
250
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:58,801
Why does everybody
always stop
251
00:10:58,801 --> 00:11:00,234
and watch somebody
change a tire?
252
00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,767
When I wait in traffic
that long,
253
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:03,767
the least they can show me
is some mangled bodies.
254
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:05,200
Get in the bed, Peg.
255
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,300
Take it easy, honey.
256
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,801
We have all night.
257
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,300
But I love you, Peg,
and time's a-wasting. Let's go.
258
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:13,234
Wait. Let me check
one thing.
259
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:14,734
Ah! Spectravision.
260
00:11:14,734 --> 00:11:16,734
Okay, I'm ready.
Let's go.
261
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,434
Wait, wait.
We promised the kids
262
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:20,100
we'd call them
when we got here.
263
00:11:21,734 --> 00:11:23,234
I don't know.
264
00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:24,734
The mood is fading.
265
00:11:24,734 --> 00:11:27,701
Gee, I've been
there before.
266
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:29,133
I'm ready.
267
00:11:32,267 --> 00:11:35,267
You know, Peg, this is nice,
just the two of us.
268
00:11:35,267 --> 00:11:37,267
We don't have to rush
269
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:40,267
because we're worried the kids
are gonna be coming in.
270
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,701
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
271
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,634
Would you please rise
for our national anthem?
272
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,767
"I am the father
of French impressionism.
273
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,067
Who am I?"
274
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,067
Now, Marcie, let's give
the kids a chance.
275
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:01,501
Marcie?
276
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:04,234
Edouard Manet.
277
00:12:04,234 --> 00:12:05,667
Right.
278
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:10,100
Marcie and I have
200 points each
279
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,601
and you have none.
Ha, ha.
280
00:12:11,601 --> 00:12:13,968
This sucks, Marcie.
281
00:12:13,968 --> 00:12:15,634
Oh, very good, Steve.
282
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,000
Did it ever occur
to you
283
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,033
that you're setting the tone
for the entire day?
284
00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:20,868
If you're negative,
they'll be negative.
285
00:12:20,868 --> 00:12:23,300
If I leave,
will they leave?
286
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:27,033
You, my friend, are losing
fatherhood points.
287
00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:29,534
Besides, they're not
bothering anybody.
288
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:32,434
Come on, Buck!
Time to play fox hunt!
289
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:36,100
That's my fur!
290
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:39,100
That's my fur!
291
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:42,234
Your engagement present?
292
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:44,234
Bud, get out here!
293
00:12:44,234 --> 00:12:46,734
Now, Steve,
let me handle this.
294
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:49,601
You're just upset
because you paid for it.
295
00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:57,167
Now, Bud, you know what you did
was wrong, don't you?
296
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:59,133
Yes, ma'am.
297
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:01,667
Good.
That will be all.
298
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:03,067
That will be all?
No.
299
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:05,033
Just wait until
I get this belt off,
300
00:13:05,033 --> 00:13:06,701
and that
will be all.
301
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,200
Steve! We're sorry.
302
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,701
We're sorry.
You bet we're sorry.
303
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,701
Sorry we ever
moved next door
304
00:13:11,701 --> 00:13:13,567
to the devil's
spawning ground.
305
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,434
Can I go play now?
306
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:17,534
Yes, sure.
307
00:13:17,534 --> 00:13:19,033
Come on, Buck!
308
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:20,534
Time for pearl diving!
309
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:21,901
Pearl diving?
310
00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:25,167
Bye,
Mr. Rhoades.
311
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,634
Whoa.
Where you going?
312
00:13:26,634 --> 00:13:28,300
Out, where
there's life.
313
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:29,601
No, you're not.
314
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:32,000
Your mother said if you were
too sick to go to school,
315
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,200
you're too sick to go out.
316
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,567
Well, how about
if I have a party over here?
317
00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:37,200
No parties.
318
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,234
I think I saved most of
our valuable stuff, Steve,
319
00:13:41,234 --> 00:13:43,934
And the rest
I'm sure will dry.
320
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:46,567
Um, Mrs. Rhoades,
321
00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:49,200
Mr. Rhoades said that
if it's okay with you
322
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,367
that I can have a party.
323
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,167
Oh, nice, Steve.
Make me the bad guy.
324
00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:59,667
You heard Peggy say
no parties.
325
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:02,501
You have me deeply
concerned, Steven.
326
00:14:02,501 --> 00:14:04,200
Well, if I can't have
a party,
327
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,267
can I at least have
a couple of friends over?
328
00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:07,767
I don't see
the harm in that.
329
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:08,767
Do you, Steve?
330
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:10,267
Yes, I do.
331
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,801
Sure. Go ahead
and call them.
332
00:14:11,801 --> 00:14:13,400
[DOORBELL RINGS]
333
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:14,868
I already did.
334
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:19,033
Listen, I really like
one of these guys.
335
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,100
He's real nice,
336
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,133
but don't make
any sudden moves, okay?
337
00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:27,567
I guess I can
dial 911 slowly.
338
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,534
Hi.
339
00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,200
Hey.
Hey.
Hmm.
340
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,701
This is Sean,
Debbie, and Dweep.
341
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,701
Dweep just
got out.
342
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:41,634
Human life
means nothing to me.
343
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:43,067
Marcie.
344
00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:47,234
It's nice
to meet you.
345
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:50,133
Just let me spread
out some paper,
346
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:52,133
and we can all
sit down.
347
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:57,167
Hey, we was playing
eyesies closies driving in.
348
00:14:57,167 --> 00:15:00,300
I think you need
a new mailbox.
349
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,367
Uh, Marcie, I think
we're low on milk.
350
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,200
I'm just gonna run over
to Wisconsin
351
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,267
and pick some up.
352
00:15:08,267 --> 00:15:09,534
Freeze!
353
00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:14,834
Come on, Ramirez!
Hook him!
354
00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:17,334
Low! High! Cross!
You got him!
355
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,734
You got him!
356
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,133
Get up!
357
00:15:22,434 --> 00:15:23,767
Come on, get up!
358
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:25,634
Attaboy! He's up!
359
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,100
Oh!
360
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,801
ANNOUNCER:
Ramirez never
should have got up.
361
00:15:29,934 --> 00:15:30,934
Eight...
362
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:31,934
Nine...
363
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:33,100
10.
364
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,534
It's over!
Wow, what a fight!
365
00:15:37,701 --> 00:15:39,701
* 10 cents a dance *
366
00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:42,100
* That's what
They pay me **
367
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,434
Hi, Al.
368
00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:46,434
I found a lot
of nice things today.
369
00:15:46,434 --> 00:15:49,434
You know, I know
we have Kmarts at home,
370
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:50,934
but there is
something so special
371
00:15:50,934 --> 00:15:53,501
about going out of town
to shop at one.
372
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,901
This is great, honey.
373
00:15:56,901 --> 00:15:58,067
Yeah.
374
00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:00,567
I think
the national anthem
375
00:16:00,567 --> 00:16:03,434
should be our song
from now on.
376
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:08,067
When they hit
"the rockets' red glare,"
377
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:12,067
you were an animal, Al.
378
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,934
I love
this country, Peg.
379
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,901
You know, it's so nice
being here alone,
380
00:16:17,901 --> 00:16:19,901
just the two of us.
381
00:16:19,901 --> 00:16:21,901
I know. But you
know something, Al?
382
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:24,400
I never thought
I'd say this this soon,
383
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,434
but I miss the kids.
384
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:27,601
What kids?
385
00:16:27,601 --> 00:16:30,100
Ours. The boy
and the girl, remember?
386
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:32,100
Listen, honey,
we've had a great time,
387
00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:34,100
but we don't need
to stay the night.
388
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:36,100
Why don't I call
Steve and Marcie
389
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,667
and tell them
we're coming home early.
390
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:41,300
Unless you want
to do it again.
391
00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:44,801
Sorry.
392
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,200
Well, Dweep,
sure it's a nice ring,
393
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,200
but I think
that's why
394
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,067
they lock cemeteries
at night.
395
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,801
Shall we change
the subject?
396
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,133
Debbie--
397
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:05,300
Sean, where are you
planning to attend college?
398
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:08,133
Oh, well, I was hoping
to get a government job,
399
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:09,968
you know, so I could
sell secrets.
400
00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:11,467
I love you, Sean.
401
00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:15,133
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
402
00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:16,634
So, what's
the plan?
403
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:18,634
Are we just supposed
to sit here
404
00:17:18,634 --> 00:17:21,734
and wait for these two
to doze off or something?
405
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:22,901
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
406
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:24,801
I'll get it!
I'll get it!
407
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,400
Hello.
408
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,033
Peggy! Hi!
409
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,901
Yeah, we're still here.
410
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:33,300
How are you doing?
411
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:36,100
You are?
That's great!
412
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,267
What?
413
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:38,767
They're coming home!
414
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,767
Oh, thank goodness!
Thank goodness!
415
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:43,434
You'll be home
in an hour?
416
00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:45,534
Hold on one second.
417
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:51,267
I'm back.
418
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:55,033
No, no. It's been
our pleasure.
419
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:56,367
They've been
little angels.
420
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,267
No problems at all.
421
00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:04,734
Don't rush.
422
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,300
Yeah!
423
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:10,968
Don't rush, Steve?
424
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:12,467
Look at them.
425
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,267
It'll be dark
in an hour.
426
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,200
Doesn't matter.
They're coming home.
427
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,968
They're gonna take
these little heathens away!
428
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:27,167
I can't believe you
told Peggy, "No problem."
429
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:28,467
What do you think's gonna happen
430
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,567
the next time
they wanna go out of town?
431
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:33,400
They'll expect us
to take the kids again
432
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,234
because we did
such a good job.
433
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:38,767
Next time, it might be
for a week.
434
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:40,267
Then a month.
435
00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:43,634
And then one day,
they won't come back at all.
436
00:18:44,934 --> 00:18:46,434
We'll just say no.
437
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:48,934
And then we'll be
the bad guys,
438
00:18:48,934 --> 00:18:50,434
the bad neighbors.
439
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:51,868
No. They have to see
440
00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:54,701
we're not fit to care
for the little demons.
441
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:57,400
We're bored.
Why can't we have a party?
442
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,968
Because your mother
specifically said no parties.
443
00:18:59,968 --> 00:19:01,467
That's right. She did.
444
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:03,968
And if we were
good babysitters,
445
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,968
the kind
people use again,
446
00:19:05,968 --> 00:19:07,300
we'd have to say no.
447
00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:11,434
Yes, of course
you can have a party.
448
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:14,968
Can you get one together
in less than an hour?
449
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:16,133
Sure.
450
00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:17,634
Well, go for it.
451
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:20,133
Uh, Marcie, tell me
this is your plan:
452
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,133
You're gonna get them
all together
453
00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:24,267
and blow them up, right?
454
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:26,267
No. This
is better, Steve.
455
00:19:26,267 --> 00:19:27,767
Just as the party's
starting,
456
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,267
Al and Peggy will be here.
457
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:31,367
And they'll see this wild party
starring Dweep,
458
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,133
and they'll know
we're unfit.
459
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:34,501
And they'll never ask us
460
00:19:34,501 --> 00:19:36,634
to care for their
precious offspring again.
461
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,567
Good news. Raven and
the Bloody 10 are coming.
462
00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:40,467
Gee, they're tough!
463
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:43,467
All right!
All right!
464
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:46,434
You get everything?
465
00:19:46,434 --> 00:19:47,934
I think so.
466
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:49,434
You take the towels?
467
00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:50,601
Of course.
468
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:52,033
Hotel pads and pens?
469
00:19:52,033 --> 00:19:53,534
Yeah. And the soap.
470
00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:55,033
Good. And the ashtrays?
471
00:19:55,033 --> 00:19:56,968
Yeah. I think
we got everything.
472
00:19:56,968 --> 00:19:58,801
Before you close
the suitcase,
473
00:19:58,801 --> 00:20:00,234
you wanna grab
theYellow Pages.
474
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:01,801
Al, it's Wisconsin.
475
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,434
Hey, you roll them up,
they make a great log.
476
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,767
Ah, gee. We had
a great time, honey.
477
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:10,100
Yeah.
478
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,100
You know, this is the first time
we've been in a motel room
479
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,601
since our honeymoon.
480
00:20:14,601 --> 00:20:16,968
Yeah. We still have
those towels.
481
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,300
Sixteen years
and you haven't changed a bit.
482
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,234
You know, you look
exactly the same
483
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:24,868
as you did the day
we were married.
484
00:20:24,868 --> 00:20:26,334
Yeah, I know.
485
00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:30,601
Aren't you gonna say
the same about me?
486
00:20:30,601 --> 00:20:31,868
Well, honey, I bowl.
487
00:20:31,868 --> 00:20:33,100
You don't do anything.
488
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,567
Oh.
489
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,067
Oh, hey, Peg,
you look great.
490
00:20:37,067 --> 00:20:40,000
Much too good for
an old guy like me.
491
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,000
Oh, old guy?
Come on, Al.
492
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,501
You're in great shape.
493
00:20:43,501 --> 00:20:46,501
I bet you could have handled
either one of those bums
494
00:20:46,501 --> 00:20:48,234
that fought today.
495
00:20:48,234 --> 00:20:49,667
You know what,
I think you're right.
496
00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:50,734
Yeah.
497
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,701
You know, I got
a pretty good left jab...
498
00:20:52,701 --> 00:20:53,901
for a shoe salesman.
499
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:56,100
I tell you what I would have
done with that Gonzales.
500
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,701
I'd have waited
till he dropped his hands.
501
00:20:57,701 --> 00:21:00,100
He always does that
when he doubles up with a hook.
502
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,200
Then I'd have
stepped inside,
503
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,701
hooked to the head,
504
00:21:02,701 --> 00:21:04,200
uppercut, uppercut,
uppercut.
505
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,701
If that don't work,
506
00:21:05,701 --> 00:21:07,701
I'd take the legs out!
507
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,000
[BOTH LAUGHING]
508
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,634
PEG:
Aah, ha, ha.
509
00:21:11,634 --> 00:21:14,100
AL:
Aaah.
510
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,133
Mmm.
511
00:21:16,601 --> 00:21:19,601
Maybe we should call
Steve and Marcie
512
00:21:19,601 --> 00:21:20,734
and tell them
513
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:22,467
we're not coming home
tonight.
514
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:27,868
Why bother? They said
it's no trouble.
515
00:21:29,634 --> 00:21:31,968
Oh, Al.
516
00:21:31,968 --> 00:21:36,667
* And the rockets'
Red glare **
517
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:41,734
* Things keep happenin'
I can't explain *
518
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:46,434
* I love to sweat
And suck on the stain *
519
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:52,234
* Well, I went to bed drunk
With a girl named Flo *
520
00:21:52,234 --> 00:21:56,067
* I woke up sober
With a buffalo *
521
00:22:00,501 --> 00:22:03,133
* I'm a fugitive
I only live *
522
00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:06,267
* To pummel *
523
00:22:06,267 --> 00:22:07,767
This will show them.
524
00:22:07,767 --> 00:22:09,267
Any minute now,
525
00:22:09,267 --> 00:22:11,767
they'll be pulling
into their driveway.
526
00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:12,968
[CRASH]
527
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,801
You know, dear, they really
are wrecking our home.
528
00:22:18,801 --> 00:22:22,801
I know, but Peggy and Al
will be home any minute.
529
00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:25,801
I can't wait
to see their faces.
530
00:22:25,801 --> 00:22:28,400
Yep. Any minute.
531
00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:33,801
* I'm a fugitive
I only live *
532
00:22:33,801 --> 00:22:39,634
* To pummel *
533
00:22:39,634 --> 00:22:42,567
* I'm a fugitive
I only live *
534
00:22:42,567 --> 00:22:46,000
* To pummel **
535
00:22:51,868 --> 00:22:55,300
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,000
Al, I'm doing
the lottery.
21
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,501
I need a number.
22
00:01:21,501 --> 00:01:22,501
Twenty-three.
23
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:24,033
I don't like 23.
24
00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:27,033
Why? It was
your waist size...
25
00:01:27,033 --> 00:01:28,234
once.
26
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,334
Come on, Al.
Give me a real number.
27
00:01:31,334 --> 00:01:32,734
Twenty-three
is a real number.
28
00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:34,133
What have you got
against 23?
29
00:01:34,133 --> 00:01:36,200
Well, you were born
on the 23rd
30
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,267
and we married
on the 23rd.
31
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:40,133
Seventeen.
32
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,634
No, Kelly
already picked 17.
33
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,100
I need something
closer to 20.
34
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,133
Yeah, so do I.
35
00:01:46,133 --> 00:01:48,801
Okay, fine.
I'll pick it myself.
36
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:50,801
But I'm telling
you something,
37
00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:53,300
when we win
the $38 million,
38
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,801
I am keeping every penny.
39
00:01:54,801 --> 00:01:57,334
Yeah, you'd live
a long time, Peg.
40
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:58,701
What are you reading?
41
00:01:58,701 --> 00:01:59,901
I'm not gonna tell you.
42
00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,334
Every time I'm
reading a magazine,
43
00:02:01,334 --> 00:02:03,334
and I see something
I think you might like
44
00:02:03,334 --> 00:02:04,767
and I say,
"Peg, look at this,"
45
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:06,100
you know what you do?
46
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:08,334
You take the magazine,
you look at what I showed you,
47
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:09,934
then you sit down
and read the magazine
48
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:11,334
and I never
get it back.
49
00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:13,334
Not this time.
50
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,834
Ah, Peg,
look at this.
51
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:19,167
Oh, another
fishing catalog.
52
00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:21,234
What am I looking at, Al?
53
00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:22,834
The apron that says,
54
00:02:22,834 --> 00:02:25,334
"He catches 'em,
I cook 'em,
55
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:27,834
he eats 'em,
I love him"?
56
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:30,834
You'd wear it,
but you wouldn't mean it.
57
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:32,801
I was talking
about the 5 1/2 foot
58
00:02:32,801 --> 00:02:34,701
linear graphite
bait casting rod
59
00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:37,133
with the high-speed
star drag level wind reel.
60
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:39,801
Yippy skip.
61
00:02:39,801 --> 00:02:41,801
And a mere $275.
62
00:02:41,801 --> 00:02:43,801
Oh, Al, let's buy it.
63
00:02:43,801 --> 00:02:47,701
We can do without food
and heat for a year.
64
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,467
You wouldn't mind?
65
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:51,300
Al, you want everything.
66
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:54,100
When was the last time
you bought me something?
67
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:57,167
Oh, I suppose these pots
and pans are mine.
68
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,801
I'm sorry, Al.
69
00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:02,801
It's been so long
since I wore them dancing,
70
00:03:02,801 --> 00:03:05,701
I forgot they
were even here.
71
00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:07,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
72
00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:08,634
I'll get it.
73
00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:12,167
Ooh, they have clothes
in here.
74
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,734
Morning.
Hi, Steve.
75
00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:18,067
Hi, Al. Glad I caught you
before you left for work.
76
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,434
I need a ride
home tonight.
77
00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:21,067
Why can't
Marcie take you?
78
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,868
Saddle in the shop?
79
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,934
Marcie needs the car tonight
for a women's group meeting.
80
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:30,200
What do they do, all pile in
and look for men to run over?
81
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,367
Room for one more?
82
00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:34,834
What do you say, Al?
83
00:03:34,834 --> 00:03:37,367
Ah, sure, why not.
Meet me at the store.
84
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,033
Oh, wait a second, Steve.
I can't.
85
00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:40,801
I'm coming home late.
I'm playing poker tonight.
86
00:03:40,801 --> 00:03:42,467
Oh, gee, Al, that's great.
87
00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:44,934
Another night I don't get
to go out and do anything.
88
00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:46,067
Thank you, honey.
89
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:48,634
Honey, you don't want to go out
on Friday night.
90
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:51,501
Everyone and his wife
is out on Friday.
91
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:56,300
Well, if it's okay with you,
I don't mind tagging along.
92
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:57,501
Since we moved in, I haven't
93
00:03:57,501 --> 00:03:59,601
met a lot of guys in the
neighborhood, besides you.
94
00:03:59,601 --> 00:04:03,667
And it might be nice to meet
somebody...besides you.
95
00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:06,801
Fine. And you might pick
up a few pointers
96
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:09,868
watching
the old master play.
97
00:04:09,868 --> 00:04:12,868
Oh, yeah. Why don't you
ask the old master
98
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:14,834
about the time
they picked him so clean,
99
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:18,367
he had to push
the old car home.
100
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:20,934
Peg, now, I was off
my game that night.
101
00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:23,133
I was nervous, I couldn't
concentrate on my cards
102
00:04:23,133 --> 00:04:25,434
what with you
being in the hospital
103
00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:26,667
having Bud and all.
104
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,467
This time will
be different.
105
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:29,934
This time
I have a goal.
106
00:04:29,934 --> 00:04:31,334
See, all the money
that I make
107
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:33,133
is gonna go towards
that fishing rod and reel.
108
00:04:33,133 --> 00:04:35,334
You ought to see it, Steve.
Peg, give me the catalog.
109
00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,834
I'm reading it, Al.
110
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:38,834
You ought to see it.
111
00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:41,834
It's great, Steve,
and it's only $275.
112
00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:43,767
Al...
113
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:46,300
This is none of my
business or anything,
114
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:48,801
but if you really
want something,
115
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:51,801
I've found the best way
to get it is through saving.
116
00:04:51,801 --> 00:04:54,801
At the bank we have
a little saying:
117
00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:56,968
"If you want
to save money...
118
00:04:56,968 --> 00:04:59,968
Save money."
119
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,834
Thank you, Steve.
120
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:04,901
You're so much wiser than all
the other tellers I've met.
121
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:08,968
All except
the automated ones.
122
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,901
I'm not gonna be
a teller for long.
123
00:05:12,901 --> 00:05:15,267
You may laugh at me--
And I do.
124
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:17,501
but I have a way
with money.
125
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:19,501
I know how to save,
I know how to invest
126
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,133
and I know how
to make money grow.
127
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,701
Give me five dollars,
128
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:27,000
and I can find opportunities
other people miss with hundreds.
129
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:31,100
Yeah, give Al five dollars and
you've just cashed his paycheck.
130
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:36,868
Yeah. Anybody been
to Gus' Diner lately?
131
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,868
The new waitress.
132
00:05:38,868 --> 00:05:41,167
Yeah, like, what is she,
man, like 25?
133
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:42,567
Yeah, it's
a great age.
134
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:44,567
Just before
their butts start to sag
135
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:47,400
and they start
wearing Reeboks.
136
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,467
Bet a dollar.
137
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,200
She's perfect.
138
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,200
She's great,
but not perfect.
139
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,701
Her eyes are a little
too close together.
140
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:58,367
They're vacant enough,
but they're not perfect.
141
00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:01,434
Pair of queens bets.
142
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:02,868
Yeah, if you want
a perfect woman
143
00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:04,367
you gotta build her
in your head.
144
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:06,200
It gives you something
to do
145
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,234
when you're
making love to your wife.
146
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:11,501
I like that Connie Chung.
147
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:16,868
I like Connie Mack, too,
148
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:20,300
but neither one have any
place in this conversation.
149
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,300
Now, for the
perfect woman...
150
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:24,534
Let's start out
with...the legs.
151
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:25,968
Catherine Bach.
152
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,701
I'd say Tina Turner.
153
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:30,334
A little too
muscular for me.
154
00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,567
Jamie Lee Curtis.
155
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:34,834
Ah!
Ah!
156
00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:36,834
Okay, now
let's talk tush.
157
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,334
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
158
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:39,501
Sigourney Weaver.
159
00:06:39,501 --> 00:06:42,267
Nope, nope.
Monster touched it.
160
00:06:44,467 --> 00:06:46,834
Jamie Lee
Curtis.
161
00:06:46,834 --> 00:06:48,901
Ah!
Ah!
162
00:06:48,901 --> 00:06:50,901
Okay, it's hooter time.
163
00:06:50,901 --> 00:06:52,100
My favorite.
164
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,300
My time, baby.
165
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,033
Jacqueline Big-set.
166
00:06:55,033 --> 00:06:57,634
A young Brigitte Bardot.
167
00:06:57,634 --> 00:07:00,033
Ah!
Ah!
168
00:07:00,033 --> 00:07:02,100
Now that's
our perfect woman.
169
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,634
Nope. Got
to have a brain.
170
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,434
Why?
A brain?
171
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:13,367
Vanna White!
Vanna White!
172
00:07:17,801 --> 00:07:19,434
I fold.
173
00:07:19,434 --> 00:07:21,033
$5.00.
174
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:22,033
I'm out.
175
00:07:22,033 --> 00:07:23,567
You're bluffing,
Barney.
176
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:25,734
Al, he's got
two pair showing.
177
00:07:25,734 --> 00:07:27,234
E.J.'s got his 10
178
00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:29,234
and both queens
are gone.
179
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:32,968
No way he's got
that third 10.
180
00:07:32,968 --> 00:07:34,901
I call.
181
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:37,033
Say hi
to the third 10.
182
00:07:40,534 --> 00:07:42,767
I'm getting another beer.
Who wants one?
183
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:45,767
You've given me
enough already, Al.
184
00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:47,767
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
185
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:49,267
Russ here.
186
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:51,133
Gee, Al, you stink.
187
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,267
Thanks a lot, pal.
188
00:07:54,267 --> 00:07:57,267
Come on. I can't believe
you are losing to these guys.
189
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:58,667
I've only been watching
for an hour,
190
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:00,467
I got the whole rhythm
of the game down.
191
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:01,534
What rhythm?
192
00:08:01,534 --> 00:08:02,667
It's pretty obvious.
193
00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:06,300
Take Russ.
Whenever he's got a bad hand,
194
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:09,033
he shuffles his hole card as if
he thinks it's gonna change.
195
00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:11,634
Whenever Barney bluffs,
he taps his chips.
196
00:08:11,634 --> 00:08:13,701
Dead giveaway.
Norris? He never bluffs.
197
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:16,801
He won't stay in the game
unless he's got three of a kind.
198
00:08:16,801 --> 00:08:18,601
And you, Al. You stink.
199
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,734
Gee, Steve, you're a real
Cincinnati kid.
200
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:26,234
I think he walked home
after a game too.
201
00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:29,267
If we're such suckers,
why don't you sit in?
202
00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:31,300
Oh, no. I just cash
my paycheck
203
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,000
and I give that money
to Marcie.
204
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,234
The mortgage
is due Monday.
205
00:08:34,234 --> 00:08:35,634
Besides,
I don't gamble.
206
00:08:35,634 --> 00:08:38,634
Steve, we're married men.
We all gamble.
207
00:08:40,267 --> 00:08:42,267
I got to run, guys.
208
00:08:42,267 --> 00:08:45,067
Uh...wife is real sick.
209
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,868
Ah, bull!
Listen to this!
210
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:48,234
Where are you going?
211
00:08:48,234 --> 00:08:49,868
BARNEY:
Come on, come on.
What is it?
212
00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:54,234
I promised my wife
I'd take her to the ballet.
213
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:02,734
The ballet, huh?
Better take Norris along.
214
00:09:02,734 --> 00:09:03,968
Show them what you do
215
00:09:03,968 --> 00:09:05,868
when they're up in the air
doing those splits.
216
00:09:05,868 --> 00:09:07,434
[HUMS BLUE DANUBE WALTZ]
217
00:09:07,434 --> 00:09:08,934
[MAKES FARTING SOUND]
218
00:09:18,234 --> 00:09:21,167
RUSS:
It's up to you, Steve.
219
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,400
Uh, excuse me.
220
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,868
Oh, uh, look,
I'm not playing.
221
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:27,100
I don't believe
in gambling.
222
00:09:37,534 --> 00:09:38,767
I'm in.
223
00:09:40,868 --> 00:09:42,934
Sure you wouldn't
like some cake or something?
224
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:44,434
No, thanks.
225
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:47,400
After our meeting, we stopped
at Gus' Diner for a bite.
226
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,400
They have the dumbest
waitress I've ever seen,
227
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,901
wiggling around
in this short skirt,
228
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:55,033
as if anyone was looking.
229
00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:58,067
She got our orders wrong,
she got our change wrong.
230
00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:00,567
Thank God our club president
had enough nerve to complain
231
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,400
and get her fired.
232
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,901
What are you doing?
233
00:10:06,901 --> 00:10:09,400
Oh, Al was admiring
this fishing rod this morning.
234
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,400
So when he comes in
broke from poker,
235
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,400
I like
to leave it out,
236
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,901
you know,
just to remind him
237
00:10:15,901 --> 00:10:18,934
of yet another thing
he'll never get.
238
00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:21,434
I hope they
get home soon.
239
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:23,467
Steve and I usually go over
our budget tonight.
240
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:25,367
It's getting late.
Maybe we should call.
241
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,968
Mm. We can't. Al says
there's no phone there.
242
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:33,868
Well, I'm glad Steve's out
having a good time.
243
00:10:33,868 --> 00:10:35,868
I know he doesn't
gamble or anything,
244
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,367
but it's good that he's out
there trying to meet new people.
245
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:41,234
Maybe he'll invite some of
the guys over to our house.
246
00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:42,868
Ha, ha. Oh, yeah.
247
00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:45,367
That would make for quite
a stimulating evening.
248
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:48,367
I wonder which one
he'll bring home.
249
00:10:48,367 --> 00:10:49,534
Let's see.
250
00:10:49,534 --> 00:10:51,567
There's Norris,
who can make
251
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,567
obscene sounds
with his armpit.
252
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:56,501
He is naturally
a welcome guest
253
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,400
at any occasion.
254
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,901
Oh, and then
there's Barney,
255
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:02,400
the man no deodorant
could tame.
256
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,901
And if you're
really lucky,
257
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:07,901
you'll get Russ,
the invincible.
258
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:11,267
He hasn't met a toilet yet
he couldn't overflow.
259
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,434
Poor Steve.
260
00:11:18,901 --> 00:11:22,334
Yeah. These guys are
a real bunch of losers.
261
00:11:22,334 --> 00:11:24,834
Well, then, Steve will just
have to find friends elsewhere.
262
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:27,868
Because if there's
one thing my Steve is,
263
00:11:27,868 --> 00:11:29,400
it's a winner.
264
00:11:30,868 --> 00:11:32,868
How you doing,
Steve?
265
00:11:32,868 --> 00:11:35,367
Are you okay?
266
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:36,868
Come on, Steve.
267
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:39,868
You had a good time,
you met some good people...
268
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:43,567
and you lost $300
to a good friend.
269
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:50,901
I can't believe I lost my share
of the mortgage payment.
270
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,133
What am I gonna
tell Marcie?
271
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:55,734
Steve, you're a man.
Lie like a dog.
272
00:11:55,734 --> 00:11:59,000
Tell her you got mugged.
We got jumped by four guys.
273
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,267
I fought off three,
274
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:02,033
but the little guy
beat you silly
275
00:12:02,033 --> 00:12:04,100
and took your money.
276
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,067
You're enjoying this,
aren't you, Al?
277
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:09,100
Well, you're the one had
the rhythm of the game.
278
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:12,234
Wasn't my fault you couldn't
stop mouthing your hole card.
279
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,467
I gotta tell
her the truth.
280
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:15,534
I got no choice.
281
00:12:15,534 --> 00:12:16,834
Well, I wouldn't.
282
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:18,267
I have to.
She's gonna ask.
283
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:19,634
Here's what I do.
284
00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:22,100
I walk in the door,
before Peg can say a word--
285
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,734
which means
I gotta be quick--
286
00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:25,467
I tell her
how great she looks.
287
00:12:25,467 --> 00:12:26,601
Then if it's real rough,
288
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:28,767
I grit my teeth
and throw her a quick one.
289
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:31,801
She's so grateful, she forgets
what she's gonna ask me,
290
00:12:31,801 --> 00:12:34,667
and even if she says something
later on, I'm asleep.
291
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,634
Can't do it.
292
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,934
Our relationship
is based on honesty.
293
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,434
And the buns
of Mel Gibson.
294
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:50,467
Ooh!
295
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,934
That is our
perfect man.
296
00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:56,934
Wait,
we need a brain.
297
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,901
Why? It's a man.
298
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:03,701
PEG:
Hi, honey!
299
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:04,868
Steve!
300
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,901
I was worried
about you.
301
00:13:06,901 --> 00:13:09,234
Did you have
a good time?
302
00:13:09,234 --> 00:13:10,901
Well, you know...
303
00:13:10,901 --> 00:13:12,400
Kinda...
you know...
304
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,767
Considering...
305
00:13:14,901 --> 00:13:16,267
Oh.
306
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:19,501
Well, I'm sure it was hard
on you being the only one there
307
00:13:19,501 --> 00:13:21,234
with the strength
not to gamble.
308
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,100
Marcie...
309
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,167
I have to tell you
something.
310
00:13:36,601 --> 00:13:38,801
You look
beautiful.
311
00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:41,801
More beautiful than
I've ever seen you.
312
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,968
Oh, Steve.
313
00:13:43,968 --> 00:13:47,834
Your lips are like wine,
and I want to get drunk tonight.
314
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:52,734
Badly.
315
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:55,234
But Steve, we need
to finish our budget.
316
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:58,400
Damn the budget!
A man has needs.
317
00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,501
Oh, Steve!
318
00:14:07,734 --> 00:14:10,734
Has all this talk done
something for you, Al?
319
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:13,634
Yeah. I'm thirsty.
Get me a beer.
320
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,100
Oh, Al.
321
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,100
So how'd you do
tonight?
322
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,601
Lose as usual?
323
00:14:20,601 --> 00:14:21,767
Yeah.
324
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:22,934
Oh, darn.
325
00:14:22,934 --> 00:14:25,934
Now you won't
be able to buy
326
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,434
that beautiful fishing
pole you wanted.
327
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:29,801
[BOTH LAUGHING]
328
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:35,934
When will I ever learn?
329
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,267
No!
330
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:44,767
Look, you don't
seem to understand me.
331
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:47,801
I want something that
goes with this dress.
332
00:14:48,968 --> 00:14:50,467
A bubbling caldron?
333
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:54,934
You've got a lot
of nerve.
334
00:14:54,934 --> 00:14:58,434
I need it to get
this close to your feet.
335
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,801
Uh...hi, Al.
336
00:15:07,801 --> 00:15:09,200
Hi, Steve.
How's it going?
337
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,534
Hey, did Marcie ever
bring up the budget again?
338
00:15:11,534 --> 00:15:13,033
Yes, Al, she did.
339
00:15:13,033 --> 00:15:14,534
And every time she did,
340
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:17,901
I told her how
beautiful she looked.
341
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,467
And showed her.
342
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:23,634
I showed her till
8:00 this morning, Al.
343
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,968
She's out cold,
344
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,601
and I don't remember
how I got here.
345
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:31,601
Then it worked.
346
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,968
Yeah, but I'm afraid
it'll never work again, Al.
347
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,000
I don't know how
to ask you this,
348
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,067
but I gotta ask you
for a big favor.
349
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,534
Whoa, Steve, I can't!
350
00:15:44,534 --> 00:15:45,868
She's your wife!
351
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,801
I don't like
touching mine.
352
00:15:52,434 --> 00:15:55,434
Al, I know this is something
that isn't normally done,
353
00:15:55,434 --> 00:16:00,200
but I was wondering if you could
kind of give me my money back.
354
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,200
Wait a second.
This is over the line.
355
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,701
Okay. How about this?
356
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:05,501
Just loan it to me.
357
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:08,100
You're just gonna take it back
to the poker game next week
358
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,901
and lose it,
because you stink.
359
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:12,067
I stink? I tell you
what we'll do, Steve.
360
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,400
You're real good
with money.
361
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,434
You know how to invest it
and make it grow.
362
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,434
How much was it
you said you needed
363
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:20,434
to find those opportunities
other people miss?
364
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:21,567
$300, Al.
365
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:23,701
No, it was
$5.00, Steve.
366
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:25,167
Make it grow, buddy.
367
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,968
This is how
you treat me?
368
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:30,534
This is how you treat
a neighbor,
369
00:16:30,534 --> 00:16:31,901
a man who calls you friend?
370
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:33,334
Yes, it is, Steve.
371
00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:34,934
Give me the 5.
372
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,767
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
373
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:40,634
I need a plan.
Let's see.
374
00:16:40,634 --> 00:16:42,634
I work in a bank.
If I took a quarter
375
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:43,667
out of every
quarter roll...
376
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:45,167
Why don't you do this?
377
00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:47,234
Why don't you go home,
wake up Marcie,
378
00:16:47,234 --> 00:16:50,734
say, "I lost all my money.
I screwed up.
379
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:52,734
I'm sorry.
What's for dinner?"
380
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:55,734
That's what being
a man's all about, Steve.
381
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,601
Making mistakes
and not caring.
382
00:16:59,133 --> 00:17:00,934
Well, I do care, Al.
383
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:04,300
Excuse me. Could you
spare some change
384
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,667
for a decent meal?
385
00:17:09,167 --> 00:17:10,467
Thank you.
386
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:11,801
Hey,
wait a minute.
387
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:15,834
Thanks.
388
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:17,334
Thanks a lot.
389
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:18,267
Sure.
390
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,100
Well, Steve, you're
a real decent guy.
391
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,968
You're about as sharp
as a bag of wet hair,
392
00:17:24,968 --> 00:17:27,100
but you're a decent guy.
393
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,400
You know, Al,
394
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,567
that $5.00 wasn't going
to do anything for me,
395
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:33,501
but it'll do a lot
of good for him.
396
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,701
You see...
397
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,200
I believe
something, Al.
398
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,200
I believe that if you
do something good,
399
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:46,367
something good will always
happen to you in return.
400
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:48,200
You'll see, Al.
401
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,601
You'll see.
402
00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:06,901
Steve, it's been real nice
having you here all day.
403
00:18:08,901 --> 00:18:10,801
So, uh, as the hostess here,
404
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:12,834
I guess it's up
to me to ask...
405
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:15,968
What are you doing here?
406
00:18:15,968 --> 00:18:18,000
Waiting for something
good to happen.
407
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,367
And it will too.
408
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,434
I walked around
most of the morning.
409
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,734
Nothing good happened.
410
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:25,234
But I know that when Al
gets home,
411
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,801
something good
is gonna happen.
412
00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:29,901
Well, that'll be a first.
413
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:32,901
You know, I haven't seen
Marcie all day.
414
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:34,767
Is she okay?
415
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:37,133
Sure. I did
all the work.
416
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,200
Are you okay?
417
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,367
Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
418
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:45,868
Marcie decided
to sleep in today,
419
00:18:45,868 --> 00:18:50,167
And me...I'm happy
as a duck in orange sauce.
420
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:52,167
Oh, Marcie's light
just came on.
421
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:53,534
She must be up.
422
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,133
Peg, listen very
carefully to me.
423
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:06,200
[WHINING]
I lost my paycheck
to Al in the poker game.
424
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,534
He won't
give it back.
425
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:10,033
Marcie's gonna
kill me,
426
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:12,133
if she
hasn't already.
427
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:18,901
How much did he win?
428
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,467
$300. Oh.
429
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:23,968
I haven't had a new
bra for two years,
430
00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:27,701
and that baboon
is sitting on 300 bucks?
431
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:30,634
I'm gonna have to tell Marcie.
It's the right thing to do.
432
00:19:30,634 --> 00:19:33,501
Yeah, you go tell Marcie,
and then bring her over here.
433
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:34,801
Al will be home soon,
434
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:36,667
and believe me,
you'll get your money back.
435
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,434
I'll see to that.
436
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:40,167
Really?
437
00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:41,734
Oh, thank you, Peggy.
Thank you.
438
00:19:41,734 --> 00:19:42,901
See?
439
00:19:42,901 --> 00:19:45,300
I knew something good
was gonna happen.
440
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:50,701
So you lost again
at poker, huh, Al?
441
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:53,634
So I can buy a new bra
442
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:56,200
when we can afford it,
huh, Al?
443
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,567
Enjoy Daddy's dinner.
444
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,767
Hi.
445
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:06,100
What's for supper?
446
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:07,367
Filthy pig!
447
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:09,534
We had that last night.
448
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:15,467
Al, Steve told me that you won
his money in the poker game.
449
00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:17,367
You cannot
keep the money.
450
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:20,033
Where did this rule
come from?
451
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,033
When I lose, I lose.
452
00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:24,767
You don't play cards and then
sit down and when it's finished
453
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,701
you say, "Hey, give me
my money back."
454
00:20:26,701 --> 00:20:27,901
That's no fun.
455
00:20:27,901 --> 00:20:29,334
If that's
the way it worked,
456
00:20:29,334 --> 00:20:31,868
I may as well
stay home with you.
457
00:20:31,868 --> 00:20:33,801
You know, it's bad enough
458
00:20:33,801 --> 00:20:35,701
you lied to me
about winning the money,
459
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:38,868
but, Al, these are
the only friends I've got.
460
00:20:38,868 --> 00:20:40,667
I like having people
to talk to.
461
00:20:40,667 --> 00:20:43,067
You know, people that will
come over to the house
462
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,367
even though you're here.
463
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,367
That makes them
special, Al.
464
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:51,267
Now, I want you to give him
back his money, for me.
465
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:52,968
I can't. I spent it.
466
00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:54,734
Oh, Al, you are
the lowest!
467
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:57,334
Now, what did you waste
that money on?
468
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,200
I got you this.
469
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,367
Ohh!
470
00:21:02,367 --> 00:21:04,534
Oh, Al!
471
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:06,033
It's beautiful.
472
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,534
I love it.
473
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:10,033
Oh, honey, I don't
deserve this.
474
00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:14,534
I felt kind of bad about
not ever getting you anything.
475
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:18,367
Oh, you are
the sweetest man...
476
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:19,868
in the whole world.
477
00:21:19,868 --> 00:21:23,367
Now, honey, I'm just gonna go
upstairs and try this on,
478
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:26,200
and then I'll come make you
a nice juicy steak,
479
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,501
just like the dog had.
480
00:21:43,634 --> 00:21:46,133
PEG:
Oh, it's
priceless, Al!
481
00:21:46,133 --> 00:21:48,334
[QUIETLY]
No. It was 15 bucks.
482
00:21:50,234 --> 00:21:53,567
But you, my love,
were 275.
483
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,033
Peg, I'll be down
in the basement!
484
00:21:58,033 --> 00:21:59,067
Okay, honey!
485
00:22:02,601 --> 00:22:04,934
You better get
that money back!
486
00:22:04,934 --> 00:22:06,767
It's all
taken care of.
487
00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:08,133
[DOORBELL RINGS]
488
00:22:12,601 --> 00:22:14,467
[RING]
489
00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:18,801
Al? Peggy?
490
00:22:20,167 --> 00:22:22,300
Ha, ha...
491
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,234
Guys?
492
00:22:27,534 --> 00:22:28,868
It's me!
493
00:22:28,868 --> 00:22:30,300
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
494
00:22:31,868 --> 00:22:33,601
MARCIE:
Where's our money,
Steven?
495
00:22:34,734 --> 00:22:36,734
STEVE:
Marcie!
496
00:22:36,734 --> 00:22:38,100
You look beautiful!
497
00:22:53,267 --> 00:22:55,100
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:22,400
Mom, you're cooking!
21
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,567
Well,
it's not every year
22
00:01:24,567 --> 00:01:27,434
Kelly gets promoted
to the next grade.
23
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,267
You know, Kel, for a while there
I was catching up with you.
24
00:01:32,267 --> 00:01:33,501
Another couple of years
25
00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:36,434
and we'd have been
in the same grade.
26
00:01:36,434 --> 00:01:40,133
You could have gone out
with my friend Moosie.
27
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,501
Oh, I couldn't.
28
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,367
Word around school
is that you're dating him.
29
00:01:45,534 --> 00:01:48,033
Come on now, kids.
We're Bundys.
30
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:50,901
How often do we
get to be happy?
31
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,400
Kelly, I'm so proud of you.
32
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,434
I remember your
first day of school,
33
00:01:57,434 --> 00:01:58,934
How we both cried.
34
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:00,434
And then you discovered boys,
35
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:02,434
and I discovered
daytime television.
36
00:02:02,434 --> 00:02:03,634
You know one of these days
37
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:05,434
you're gonna marry one
of those boys,
38
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:07,801
and then you'll discover
daytime television.
39
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:12,434
Is it okay if
I have a life first, Mom?
40
00:02:12,434 --> 00:02:14,801
Sure, give it a try.
41
00:02:16,734 --> 00:02:18,067
Hi, honey.
42
00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:21,300
Peg, I heard some bad news
on the radio driving home.
43
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:24,167
If you don't use it,
you lose it?
44
00:02:27,434 --> 00:02:30,534
What do I care?
You already got it.
45
00:02:30,534 --> 00:02:33,968
Hey, you know Gary,
the guy who owns the shoe store,
46
00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:35,467
well, he was in a plane
47
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:39,033
that crashed into the ocean
off the coast of Hawaii.
48
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:41,901
Gee, everybody gets
to go to Hawaii but us.
49
00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:46,000
Peg, for a change,
you don't understand.
50
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,100
A human life has
just been snuffed out.
51
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,534
Who's going to sign
my paycheck?
52
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:51,033
What's to sign?
53
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,901
They just hand you
a roll of nickels.
54
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,234
Well, it isn't anything compared
to what you bring home,
55
00:02:58,234 --> 00:03:02,200
like the swine flu you brought
back from your family reunion.
56
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,567
Look, I could end up
unemployed here.
57
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:07,300
Now, how am I gonna
pay my bills?
58
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,801
Well, if Kelly
ever graduates,
59
00:03:08,801 --> 00:03:10,701
we're gonna have
a heck of a lawsuit
60
00:03:10,701 --> 00:03:13,667
against the board
of education.
61
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:18,467
We can't count on that, Bud.
62
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:21,634
You know, they already
call us the Poor Bundys.
63
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:24,200
I mean, what will they call us
when we have no money?
64
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,634
Those darn poachers?
65
00:03:28,634 --> 00:03:32,467
Eh, what am I worried about?
They're not gonna fire me.
66
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:35,801
I got experience, I got...
67
00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:38,300
They're not gonna fire me.
68
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:41,334
You know what really bothers me
about this death thing?
69
00:03:41,334 --> 00:03:44,767
Here's a guy lying dead
at the bottom of the ocean.
70
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,868
And he never even took
the time to meet me.
71
00:03:47,868 --> 00:03:52,334
Well, I bet he's sorry now, Al.
72
00:03:52,334 --> 00:03:54,234
Yeah, you bet.
73
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,033
You know, I worked
for this guy for years
74
00:03:56,033 --> 00:03:58,000
and he never even knew
that I was alive.
75
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,601
You know, I never thought
of this before,
76
00:03:59,601 --> 00:04:01,934
but I deserve
some recognition.
77
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,801
Everybody deserves a pat
on the back every now and then.
78
00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:06,934
Yeah,
what about me, Al?
79
00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:10,934
I'm sorry, honey. I was talking
about people who work.
80
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:14,868
Now there will be new owners
that will ignore me.
81
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:19,200
Well, you know, after the family
stops bereaving and all.
82
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,601
You know, Al,
maybe we should send
83
00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:22,834
something special
to the family.
84
00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:25,567
Yeah? How about scuba gear
and a body bag?
85
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,334
No, you're right, Peg.
86
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:34,267
We ought to get something
big and expensive.
87
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:37,267
I don't think they'd
appreciate your father,
88
00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:40,133
so, uh...we'll have
to do with flowers.
89
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:42,133
Al, you never even met Gary.
90
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:43,634
That's the whole point.
91
00:04:43,634 --> 00:04:45,667
When they see
my present,
92
00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:47,267
they'll
remember Al Bundy.
93
00:04:47,267 --> 00:04:48,767
Well, if you wanted that,
94
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:51,968
why don't you just
send them your socks?
95
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:56,234
Mom, how do we know
this tuna isn't dad's boss?
96
00:04:56,234 --> 00:04:58,467
Because we bought it
last year.
97
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,434
I'm gonna call
the florist right now.
98
00:05:02,434 --> 00:05:06,434
You know, Al, all this talk
about death makes you think.
99
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:09,434
I mean, one minute
the breadwinner is still alive,
100
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,934
and then the next...
101
00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:13,734
You have insurance,
don't you, Al?
102
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:18,501
Kelly, the guys
in here are naked.
103
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:22,501
If I ever see anything like this
in your room again,
104
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,501
you can just
kiss it goodbye.
105
00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:25,534
Hello!
106
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:31,667
Well, they sent
the flowers out.
107
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,667
I sent
so many flowers,
108
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,167
they'll forget
about Gary.
109
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:38,167
Did you ever think
about sending me flowers, Al?
110
00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:41,667
Why would I do that?
You're still alive.
111
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,300
Well, they should've been
delivered by now.
112
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,801
Stay off the phone.
113
00:05:45,801 --> 00:05:47,701
The family will probably
be calling any minute.
114
00:05:47,701 --> 00:05:49,534
For 300 bucks,
they better.
115
00:05:49,534 --> 00:05:53,801
$300? Al, where
did you get $300?
116
00:05:53,801 --> 00:05:55,300
Our vacation money.
117
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:59,000
Oh, Al, I was planning
on spending that on clothes.
118
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,501
It's all right.
119
00:06:00,501 --> 00:06:02,267
Our future begins
with Gary's death.
120
00:06:03,701 --> 00:06:05,200
Come on, phone, ring.
121
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,701
Tell me
you got the flowers.
122
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,701
"What a guy! We're gonna
give you a raise."
123
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:11,067
Come on, ring.
124
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
125
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:13,267
Hello.
126
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:16,400
Al, it's
the door.
127
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,901
Get it.
I'm on the phone.
128
00:06:18,901 --> 00:06:19,934
Hello.
129
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,334
Hi.
Hi.
130
00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:26,334
Hey, Al, did you
hear about Gary?
131
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:29,167
Yeah, he's dead.
Great tragedy, and all that.
132
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:30,567
Stay off my phone.
133
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:31,734
[RING]
134
00:06:31,734 --> 00:06:33,400
Hello.
135
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,567
That's the oven
timer, Al.
136
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:36,834
You cooked?
137
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:39,701
No, it's just
a reminder to order dinner.
138
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,834
Don't use my phone.
139
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:44,334
Gary's widow
is gonna call.
140
00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:45,834
No, she's not, Al.
141
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:47,334
Gary's not dead.
142
00:06:47,334 --> 00:06:49,267
We just heard it
on the news.
143
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,601
He's alive?
Are you sure?
144
00:06:52,834 --> 00:06:55,834
Your boss
is quite a guy, Al.
145
00:06:55,834 --> 00:06:57,334
A self-made millionaire.
146
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,868
He was flying
his own jet,
147
00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:02,367
had an equipment failure,
bailed out,
148
00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:05,534
and washed ashore
at a topless hula school.
149
00:07:05,534 --> 00:07:09,033
They made him a litter
from their grass skirts
150
00:07:09,033 --> 00:07:11,033
and nursed him to health.
151
00:07:11,033 --> 00:07:13,033
They think he's a god.
152
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,400
So do I.
153
00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:17,234
Aw, gee, isn't
that great news, Al?
154
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:20,100
You just spent $300
on flowers for a millionaire
155
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,968
so that your family
could starve
156
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:24,467
and your wife
could go naked.
157
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:25,901
Believe me, Peg,
158
00:07:25,901 --> 00:07:28,901
I'd kill before
I let you go naked.
159
00:07:28,901 --> 00:07:31,901
And no jury would
convict me, either.
160
00:07:31,901 --> 00:07:36,434
All right, all right, so this
guy's still alive. Fine, good.
161
00:07:36,434 --> 00:07:38,234
So, when he gets home,
he'll see the flowers,
162
00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:40,200
see how much I care,
163
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,400
and I'll still
get my raise.
164
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,434
This'll be the best 300 bucks
I ever spent.
165
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,434
I don't think he's going
to see your flowers, Al.
166
00:07:45,434 --> 00:07:47,734
They said the family sent
all the flowers
167
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,133
out to his favorite
charities.
168
00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:51,133
Oh, well, gee,
I hope they send some
169
00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:53,634
to the poor
and stupid home,
170
00:07:53,634 --> 00:07:55,634
'cause that's where
we'll be in a few years.
171
00:07:55,634 --> 00:07:59,000
I told you we're not going
to live with your mother.
172
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:05,567
Well, Al, at least you have
a boss who is still alive.
173
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,067
Stand back.
It's Mardi gras time.
174
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:11,567
I got the same stinking
job I always had,
175
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:13,467
but I'm out 300 bucks.
176
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:14,667
The only thing
I ever wanted
177
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,300
out of this death
was a little recognition.
178
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:19,467
Now, not only
is Gary not dead,
179
00:08:19,467 --> 00:08:21,200
he still doesn't
know I'm alive.
180
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,734
But you know, honey,
sometimes at night,
181
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:25,067
I'm not sure, either...
182
00:08:26,968 --> 00:08:28,334
But then you burp.
183
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,968
You know, Peg, why
don't we just get you
184
00:08:31,968 --> 00:08:34,968
a pointed hat
with a bell on top?
185
00:08:34,968 --> 00:08:37,968
Then you could
squirt me with seltzer.
186
00:08:37,968 --> 00:08:39,901
Doesn't anybody understand
what I'm talking about?
187
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,701
I work for a guy who wouldn't
spit on me if he saw me.
188
00:08:42,701 --> 00:08:44,167
Aw, come on, Al.
189
00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:45,367
Don't be so hard
on yourself.
190
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,801
I'm sure he'd spit
on you if he saw you.
191
00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:50,033
Yeah, I'm sure you're out there
shooting hoops
192
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:51,234
with Mr. Savings and Loan.
193
00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:53,501
Look, I don't know
the guy who owns the bank.
194
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:55,133
Who knows his boss today?
Who cares?
195
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,634
Well, I do.
196
00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:58,634
I'm going
to meet my boss.
197
00:08:58,634 --> 00:09:00,133
He owes me that.
198
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:01,634
I'm tracking him down.
199
00:09:01,634 --> 00:09:04,133
I'm going
to give Gary 30 days
200
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:07,133
to meet me face to face
in Chicago.
201
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:09,133
He's going to shake my hand,
he's going to say,
202
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:11,167
"Thank you, Al Bundy.
Nice job."
203
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,667
What if he doesn't?
204
00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:14,534
Then I'm going to quit.
205
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:24,067
[HUMMING]
206
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:27,501
Mom, what are
you humming about?
207
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:31,000
This is the day Dad said
he's going to quit.
208
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,467
So young, so young.
209
00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:36,167
Your father's
not going to quit.
210
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,767
From the time he gets home
to the time he goes to sleep,
211
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:40,367
he hasn't talked
about anything else.
212
00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:42,167
Yes, but have you notice,
in the last week,
213
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,868
he hasn't mentioned it at all?
214
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:47,434
That's just your father's
way of saying, "Oops!"
215
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:48,834
Don't worry, honey.
216
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,467
Your father's
not going to quit.
217
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:53,234
I don't know.
He's a proud man, Mom.
218
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:54,567
Of what, dear?
219
00:09:56,234 --> 00:09:57,801
I don't know,
220
00:09:57,801 --> 00:09:59,734
but in case
you're wrong,
221
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:02,734
I figured out a couple
of ways for us to cut back.
222
00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:05,234
Oddly enough, they
all involve Kelly.
223
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:08,234
I say we make
a clean break right now
224
00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:10,834
before we become
attached to her.
225
00:10:12,968 --> 00:10:14,434
Bud, she's my daughter.
226
00:10:14,434 --> 00:10:18,067
She's my sister and I'm willing
to give her up.
227
00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:23,701
All right. Who put
this ad in the paper?
228
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,968
"Cheap blond,
16, looks 30...
229
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,000
"seeks job out of state,
230
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,133
No reading
or writing, please."
231
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:40,033
Now listen, the day
that I have to get a job,
232
00:10:40,033 --> 00:10:42,033
is the day that I walk
out of this house.
233
00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:44,734
I feel the same way.
234
00:10:44,734 --> 00:10:46,734
Dad's not really
going to quit is he?
235
00:10:46,734 --> 00:10:49,234
I mean, it's like
you always tell me--
236
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:52,601
"If a man doesn't work,
he's no use at all."
237
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:55,601
Don't you think
your father knows that?
238
00:10:55,601 --> 00:10:58,601
Just don't say anything
to anyone about Gary,
239
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,601
and I'm sure this
whole thing will blow over.
240
00:11:00,601 --> 00:11:03,100
As long as no one knows,
241
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,934
your father
will never quit.
242
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:08,801
Five, four, three, two, one!
243
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,868
Goodbye, Al!
244
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:17,634
So long, shoe man.
245
00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:19,634
You guys
are pretty jolly.
246
00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:22,734
Don't you understand
I'm doing this for us,
247
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:24,100
the little guys...
248
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:26,701
And one large woman.
249
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:31,167
If I can meet my boss,
maybe you can meet yours.
250
00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:34,067
I don't want
to meet my boss, Al.
251
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,033
I steal.
252
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:39,300
Hey, we came
to see you leave.
253
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,634
Don't let us down.
254
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,234
I'm going.
I'm going.
255
00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:44,634
Wait a second.
256
00:11:46,934 --> 00:11:50,434
Have you seen any sign of a rich
guy in the parking lot?
257
00:11:50,434 --> 00:11:53,434
A helicopter, a plane,
a guy in a suit, anything?
258
00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:54,934
Let me check.
259
00:11:54,934 --> 00:11:58,467
Hey, Ed, do you see
the rich guy coming?
260
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,634
I can't quite hear you.
261
00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:02,968
Some guy in a ski mask
262
00:12:02,968 --> 00:12:06,834
just set off his car
alarm trying to get in.
263
00:12:08,868 --> 00:12:12,467
Hey, mister, no need
to break that window.
264
00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:15,334
I got a coat hanger
you can use.
265
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:18,334
Look, I got
another appointment.
266
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:19,701
So if you're not gonna leave,
267
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:23,067
at least impale yourself
on your shoehorn.
268
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:26,133
I said I was going,
and I'm going,
269
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:28,634
but let me
tell you something.
270
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:30,634
I'm not going
to just disappear.
271
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:32,167
You'll see me again.
272
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:35,167
Wherever a fat woman
shoves a smelly foot
273
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:38,033
in front of some
poor guy's face...
274
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:41,000
I'll be there.
275
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,501
Whenever someone
comes into the store
276
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,934
and tries to exchange
a pair of shoes
277
00:12:45,934 --> 00:12:47,934
he's been wearing
for three months,
278
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,434
I'll be there.
279
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:50,934
Whenever
kids come in,
280
00:12:50,934 --> 00:12:52,934
take off
their old shoes,
281
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:55,734
and try to sneak out
with new ones,
282
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,100
I'll be there too.
283
00:12:58,934 --> 00:13:00,100
Madam...
284
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,601
When Shamu needs a mate,
285
00:13:02,601 --> 00:13:04,033
you'll be there.
286
00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:29,467
Gee, Al, it's almost
3:00 in the afternoon.
287
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:32,467
You think you might
want to get dressed?
288
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:33,734
What for?
289
00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:36,300
Aesthetics, and so
you'll look more dignified
290
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,567
when you go beg
for your job back.
291
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:42,467
I can't do that. You know what
would happen if I went back?
292
00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:45,133
Yeah, I could go back
to enjoying my days.
293
00:13:45,133 --> 00:13:48,400
What do you think I like
being here with you?
294
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,901
It's not like I haven't
checked out the want ads.
295
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:52,167
Look at this.
296
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:56,133
All these jobs want a college
degree or computer skills,
297
00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:58,167
or worse-- references.
298
00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,367
What am I supposed to do?
299
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,534
Stoop as low as this
cheap blond
300
00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,300
who can't read or write?
301
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:10,033
I don't know.
302
00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:13,033
Maybe I should have gone
into my father's line of work.
303
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:16,367
Al, they have automatic
pinsetters now.
304
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:22,000
Ah, it's probably
just as well.
305
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,501
I remember many's a night
he'd wake up in a cold sweat
306
00:14:25,501 --> 00:14:26,801
yelling, "Wait! Wait!"
307
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:33,133
Hey, kids, your father
just moved.
308
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:35,868
What are you doing?
309
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:37,267
I'm gonna watch the ballgame.
310
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:40,267
Excuse me. Spell That Word
is coming on.
311
00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:42,667
And Al, during the day,
312
00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:45,234
this remote control
is mine.
313
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:48,968
And now, for the His
and Her Car Wax--
314
00:14:48,968 --> 00:14:51,901
Uh-oh, this
is a long one--
315
00:14:51,901 --> 00:14:55,000
Spell newspaper.
316
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,934
[NO AUDIO]
317
00:15:04,267 --> 00:15:06,667
Take me, Trevor,
take me.
318
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,467
Take me.
319
00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:09,501
Where?
320
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:12,067
Who's that?
321
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:14,534
That's Jade, the one
with the haunted past.
322
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:16,467
I thought Iris has
the haunted past.
323
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:19,000
That's another show.
324
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,667
Ooh, this really
is better, Jane.
325
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:22,834
Who's that?
326
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:24,834
All, that's the lady
who sells soap.
327
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:26,000
It's a commercial.
328
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,000
I can't stand this anymore.
329
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,000
You've been home for one day.
330
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,501
And you are
driving me crazy.
331
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:34,000
What did I do?
How am I driving you crazy?
332
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,000
Who's that?
333
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,501
Oh...
334
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:38,501
Go back to work!
335
00:15:38,501 --> 00:15:41,033
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Who's that?
336
00:15:45,501 --> 00:15:47,000
Hello.
Hi.
337
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,934
We brought you
some leftovers.
338
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:52,334
Vegetarian fajitas
and tofu croquettes.
339
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:55,300
Now don't get
the wrong idea, Al.
340
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:56,367
We are
not doing this
341
00:15:56,367 --> 00:15:57,734
because you're
out of work.
342
00:15:57,734 --> 00:15:59,968
It's just a coincidence,
we happened to make too much.
343
00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:02,467
You'd really be
doing us a favor
344
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:04,467
taking it off
our hands.
345
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:06,968
Ah, who are we kidding?
It's charity.
346
00:16:06,968 --> 00:16:08,534
So, how you doing buddy,
347
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,467
enjoying your first day
out of work?
348
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:12,968
Ooh, nice pajamas.
349
00:16:12,968 --> 00:16:16,567
Unemployment's really agreeing
with you, big guy.
350
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:18,968
Well, it all comes down
to priorities.
351
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:21,567
What's more important,
pride or money?
352
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:22,667
Money, Al.
353
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:23,968
I love it.
354
00:16:23,968 --> 00:16:26,334
I love
to look at it,
355
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:28,667
be around it,
and count it.
356
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:30,501
That's why I went
into the bank biz.
357
00:16:30,501 --> 00:16:33,501
But that's me,
and you're out of work.
358
00:16:33,501 --> 00:16:35,334
But hang in there,
there's plenty of work
359
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:37,834
for a man with
your qualifications.
360
00:16:37,834 --> 00:16:42,000
Did you ever try
to shoe a horse, Al?
361
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:46,000
You know, you are tall enough
to be Goofy at Disney World.
362
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,501
Of course, you'd
have to relocate,
363
00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:51,133
But they have real nice
trailer parks there.
364
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:53,467
You're enjoying
yourself, aren't you, Steve?
365
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:56,501
Remember what you
did to my dog, Al?
366
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:58,033
Yes, I do.
367
00:16:58,033 --> 00:16:59,534
To continue, then.
368
00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:02,033
You could get yourself
some flowers and sell them
369
00:17:02,033 --> 00:17:03,534
at the expressway
off-ramp.
370
00:17:03,534 --> 00:17:05,033
Now, Steve.
371
00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:07,534
Oh, can't I
do one more?
372
00:17:07,534 --> 00:17:08,901
Well...okay.
373
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,601
You could
sell your blood, Al.
374
00:17:12,601 --> 00:17:15,467
They give you juice
and cookies afterwards.
375
00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:19,534
Gee, Al, if you could
stagger home
376
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:21,033
without spilling the juice,
377
00:17:21,033 --> 00:17:23,067
that would be dinner
for the family.
378
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:27,234
Personally, Al,
I admire your conviction.
379
00:17:27,234 --> 00:17:28,868
Throughout history,
many men,
380
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:30,601
considered great
in retrospect,
381
00:17:30,601 --> 00:17:33,634
had to stand alone
for their beliefs.
382
00:17:33,634 --> 00:17:36,434
Although I think Al's
the first shoe salesman.
383
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:43,000
We're gonna go upstairs
and listen to some records.
384
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,567
Who's the guy
in the pajamas?
385
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:47,567
Is that your dad?
386
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,567
Are you kidding?
387
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:52,501
No, no.
My father's in prison.
388
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:54,501
Um...
389
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:57,501
That's just
my mom's boyfriend.
390
00:17:57,501 --> 00:17:58,701
Oh, cool.
391
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:02,801
Do they
have to be here?
392
00:18:02,801 --> 00:18:05,734
Yes, Al. Until the state
takes them from us.
393
00:18:07,534 --> 00:18:08,534
Hey, Dad.
394
00:18:08,534 --> 00:18:10,200
This is Teddy.
395
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,033
His dad's been unemployed
for seven years.
396
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:14,534
So he's gonna drop by tomorrow
397
00:18:14,534 --> 00:18:18,033
and teach you how to play
a game called three-card monte.
398
00:18:18,033 --> 00:18:21,033
Yeah, it really gets us through
some hard times,
399
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,234
and it doesn't interfere
with welfare.
400
00:18:25,534 --> 00:18:28,567
Oh, kids, juice and cookies
for supper tomorrow.
401
00:18:30,534 --> 00:18:33,534
I'm sorry, Peg, but after 16
years of marriage,
402
00:18:33,534 --> 00:18:36,534
I have no blood
left to give.
403
00:18:36,534 --> 00:18:38,567
I have no choice,
I'm going back to work.
404
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:40,067
Oh, that's wonderful, Al.
405
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,567
I'll tell you what, I'll
bring the kids down tomorrow.
406
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:44,567
You can buy us lunch.
407
00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:47,934
I just love you so much more
when you're not at home.
408
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,167
Poor Al. He really
thought he was somebody.
409
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:56,501
We knew he wasn't.
410
00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:59,501
Gee, I guess we
should have told him.
411
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,501
You think we should
tell him now?
412
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:02,868
Yeah.
413
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:09,701
Al, you're
not somebody.
414
00:19:09,701 --> 00:19:11,968
But then,
neither are we.
415
00:19:11,968 --> 00:19:13,934
Sure, we made
fun of you,
416
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:15,534
but deep down
we were really hoping
417
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:17,534
the rich guy
would show.
418
00:19:17,534 --> 00:19:20,067
All of us mall guys
feel that way.
419
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:22,534
You were right, Ed.
420
00:19:22,534 --> 00:19:25,534
He came crawling back
after one day.
421
00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:27,033
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
422
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:30,033
Hey, I guess they
ran out of bags
423
00:19:30,033 --> 00:19:31,534
at the jewelry store.
424
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:35,567
These two guys are carrying
the stuff out loose.
425
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,567
Hey, slow down, boys.
426
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:41,100
It's too hot to be running
in this heat.
427
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:48,434
God, this is ugly.
428
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:51,567
That's your
reflection, Kel.
429
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,067
Hi, honey. I was going
to bring you a sandwich
430
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:56,667
you know, to save some money,
but then I figured, why bother?
431
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:57,667
Let's go eat.
432
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,167
Well, well, well.
433
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:01,167
Prince of
the Penny Loafers.
434
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:05,868
King of the Canvas-backed
High Tops.
435
00:20:05,868 --> 00:20:07,367
He's back.
436
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:08,868
You're back.
437
00:20:08,868 --> 00:20:12,234
Well, where's
your pride now, shoe man?
438
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,367
Hey, Al,
isn't she the one
439
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:18,767
that got wedged
in the escalator?
440
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,200
You must be the wife.
441
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:26,100
And you must be why
they're starving in China.
442
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:31,467
Is Al Bundy around?
443
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:32,467
Over there.
444
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:33,501
Another spectator.
445
00:20:33,501 --> 00:20:35,868
Go ahead.
Take your shot.
446
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,334
I'm not sure what
you're talking about.
447
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:40,167
I just want to meet
Al Bundy and shake his hand.
448
00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:41,634
Just who are you?
449
00:20:41,634 --> 00:20:44,400
Gary. Gary Patterson.
I own this place.
450
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,501
You're Ga--
451
00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:46,667
You're Gary?
452
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:49,501
Our Gary from Gary's
Shoes and Accessories
453
00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:51,267
for Today's Woman?
454
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:52,534
I'm Al Bundy.
455
00:20:52,534 --> 00:20:53,968
You know something?
I got your letter,
456
00:20:53,968 --> 00:20:55,968
and it really
affected me.
457
00:20:55,968 --> 00:20:57,968
After years of sleeping
with beautiful women
458
00:20:57,968 --> 00:21:00,467
and living life
just for fun,
459
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,968
I thought I'd
visit the trenches,
460
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:05,767
say thanks, and get
back to the beach.
461
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:09,133
You know, I know a great beach
over at my house.
462
00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:12,033
Uh, Gar, as you
might have guessed,
463
00:21:12,033 --> 00:21:13,167
this is the wife.
464
00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:17,834
Hit the showers,
Peg.
465
00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:22,467
Al, I want you to know
466
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,801
I appreciate what
you're doing here.
467
00:21:24,801 --> 00:21:28,667
One day, I would like
to have you on my yacht.
468
00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:30,100
Of course I won't,
469
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,000
but I want you to know that the
next beautiful woman I bed down
470
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,834
is dedicated to you.
471
00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:37,534
Could you make it
a blond?
472
00:21:37,534 --> 00:21:40,501
They make life
worth living, don't they?
473
00:21:40,501 --> 00:21:43,501
I wouldn't know.
474
00:21:43,501 --> 00:21:45,501
How about
showing me around?
475
00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,000
Sure.
476
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,000
Yeah, well, over here
we have some shoes.
477
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,434
And over here's
more shoes.
478
00:21:52,434 --> 00:21:54,934
Eh, here's
an old bag.
479
00:21:54,934 --> 00:21:57,434
Back here in the stockroom
480
00:21:57,434 --> 00:22:00,734
is where we keep
the rest of the shoes.
481
00:22:00,734 --> 00:22:02,300
Gee, he did it.
482
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:04,834
He actually
got the owner here.
483
00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:06,968
You should
be proud, kids.
484
00:22:06,968 --> 00:22:09,968
There's a very special
man in there,
485
00:22:09,968 --> 00:22:12,467
and he's talking
to your father.
486
00:22:12,467 --> 00:22:16,200
You see, Daddy
really does count.
487
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,300
Twenty-three, 24, 25.
488
00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:22,133
The deal was for 50.
489
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:23,467
Worth every penny.
490
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:26,300
They really thought
you were Gary, Nick.
491
00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:29,133
I've got alimony.
I'll do anything for money.
492
00:22:29,133 --> 00:22:33,200
Twenty-six, 27... excuse me.
493
00:22:52,133 --> 00:22:53,734
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:20,901
Al, come on down!
It's time for work!
21
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,901
Come on, honey.
22
00:01:25,901 --> 00:01:28,901
I'm making you
a nice, hot breakfast.
23
00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:32,400
Just listen
to that bacon sizzle.
24
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,868
[DOORBELL RINGS]
25
00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:37,300
Keep it hot, Peg.
26
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,801
I'll be down
in a minute.
27
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,501
Sure, I will.
28
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:42,501
Peggy, I've got
some great news.
29
00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:45,000
Two men came
to our house--
30
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,000
Al, I'm going
over to Marcie's!
31
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,367
They're gone now.
32
00:01:50,601 --> 00:01:52,167
Al, Marcie's here.
33
00:01:52,167 --> 00:01:55,167
Nice try, Peg,
but I'm still hungry.
34
00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:56,667
Where's my breakfast?
35
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,300
The dog ate it.
36
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:02,901
I see he put the pots
and pans away too.
37
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:06,901
Al, I was just telling Peggy
about this great idea.
38
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:09,901
You know that little hole
in your driveway,
39
00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:11,901
the one all the neighborhood
children splash and play in
40
00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:13,901
after it rains?
41
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,501
These guys just finished
a major repaving job
42
00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:17,400
a couple of blocks from here.
43
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,901
And they offered to redo both
our driveways for only $500.
44
00:02:20,901 --> 00:02:22,467
Isn't that great?
45
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:23,968
I don't know.
46
00:02:23,968 --> 00:02:26,968
I tried to get Al to fix
the driveway a long time ago,
47
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:28,467
But his philosophy is
48
00:02:28,467 --> 00:02:32,467
"Why improve a home you're
only going to live in anyway?"
49
00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:36,167
Al, can you think
of a better way
50
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:38,033
to raise the value
of your home
51
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:39,634
and save a little money
in the bargain?
52
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,968
Sure.
Pack your bags, hon.
53
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,701
Look they said we have
to do this right away
54
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:46,701
or they'll be gone.
55
00:02:46,701 --> 00:02:48,400
And I think
it's a great deal.
56
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,033
Uh-huh.
What does Steve think?
57
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,534
Well, he's in Buffalo
at a meeting
58
00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:55,367
of Tellers
Against the Penny.
59
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:56,767
Steve firmly believes
that the one-cent piece
60
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:57,934
is a thing of the past.
61
00:02:57,934 --> 00:03:00,634
Well, I'm sure the feeling
is mutual.
62
00:03:00,634 --> 00:03:02,133
Come on, Al, make a decision.
63
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:05,133
These guys are leaving
the neighborhood.
64
00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:06,334
Of course they're leaving
the neighborhood.
65
00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:07,467
These guys are crooks.
66
00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:08,868
First you gotta believe
they just happen
67
00:03:08,868 --> 00:03:10,367
to be in the neighborhood.
68
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,501
And second, we have to believe
69
00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:13,868
these two guys see Marcie,
70
00:03:13,868 --> 00:03:15,801
and they're willing
to come back.
71
00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,400
I mean, is there
nothing so stupid
72
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,567
that some woman
won't fall for it?
73
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:23,434
I fell for you,
sweetie.
74
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,567
How could you marry
75
00:03:26,567 --> 00:03:28,567
such a chauvinistic,
sexist man?
76
00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:29,901
A dare.
77
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,634
Look, I'm not sexist.
78
00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:35,634
I'm just saying women
don't know nothing.
79
00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:38,667
Asphalt and finances
are male-oriented fields.
80
00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:43,167
Since Steve is as close
to a male as you have,
81
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:45,200
he should be in
on the decision.
82
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,567
I'll have you know
I have a degree in economics
83
00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:51,067
and work as a loan
officer in a bank.
84
00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:52,501
So if anything,
I am more qualified
85
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:55,267
to make financial
decisions than you are.
86
00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:58,934
As good as you bankers
may be at saying,
87
00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:00,434
"We're sorry,
Farmer Brown,
88
00:04:00,434 --> 00:04:02,434
we're foreclosing.
Go sell pencils,"
89
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:04,934
in this house,
I'm the boss,
90
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:07,501
and I make
the financial decisions.
91
00:04:07,501 --> 00:04:11,334
And what a shrewd financial
decider he is too.
92
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:14,501
Come on, honey.
Tell her about the time
93
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,667
you shrewdly decided not
to buy into that property
94
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:21,000
that some sucker
built the Sears Tower on.
95
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,501
Don't forget, Peg.
96
00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:24,501
The money
we saved there
97
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:27,501
allowed us to buy
that 2/3 acre
98
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,000
on lake Chicamacomico.
99
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,501
It may not look
like much now,
100
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:31,701
but when they figure
out how
101
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:34,501
to keep plants
and animals alive there,
102
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:36,234
that's gonna be quite
a little paradise.
103
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:39,934
I'll bet. But Al, I know
a good thing when I see it too.
104
00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:42,133
And even without you,
the deal is still a good one,
105
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:43,901
and I'm going to do it.
106
00:04:43,901 --> 00:04:46,734
Well, you are woman.
Go out and roar.
107
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,434
Mmm. I'm full.
108
00:04:52,567 --> 00:04:54,934
Peg, as usual,
every day's Thanksgiving.
109
00:04:56,634 --> 00:04:58,901
I'm going to work.
110
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,534
Marce, I'll see you tonight.
111
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,901
What for?
112
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,300
Well, after these guys
rip you off,
113
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,167
you'll be back
to tell me I was right.
114
00:05:05,167 --> 00:05:06,634
Because I will be.
115
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:09,267
You're that sure of yourself?
116
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,400
Marcie, I'd bet
my retirement property on it
117
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:17,067
if the Army didn't
have it padlocked.
118
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:20,200
Peggy, I cannot for the life
of me understand
119
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,634
how you live with that man.
120
00:05:21,634 --> 00:05:23,801
Well, in Al's defense,
121
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:27,367
what with overtime,
television, and the bathroom,
122
00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:29,634
I really don't
see him very much.
123
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,467
See you later.
124
00:05:35,033 --> 00:05:37,767
Mom, big news down the block.
125
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:40,067
The cops just arrested
these two guys
126
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:42,300
trying to pull
the old asphalt scam.
127
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,501
They what?
128
00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:45,100
Yeah, you know the one where
they offer
129
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,367
to redo
your driveway real cheap,
130
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:48,367
but they just use oil,
131
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,400
so when it rains,
it all washes away.
132
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,400
You have to be a real feeb
to fall for that one.
133
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:02,167
Who are you calling?
134
00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:05,667
Al's mother. I told him
I'd invite her for the summer
135
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:07,501
the next time he was right
about anything.
136
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,400
Well, how do you think
he'll take it?
137
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,467
Take what?
138
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:12,267
Hello?
139
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:15,067
My having to tell Al
he was right.
140
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:18,033
You're not seriously
going to do that are you?
141
00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:19,133
Hello?
142
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:21,033
Well, I have to.
He's bound to find out
143
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:22,601
if he hasn't already.
144
00:06:22,601 --> 00:06:24,667
Marcie, let me
tell you something.
145
00:06:24,667 --> 00:06:26,000
Peggy, is that you--?
146
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,968
In the 16 years that
I've been married to Al,
147
00:06:29,968 --> 00:06:31,968
I've learned there are certain
things never to ask for.
148
00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:35,300
Never approach him for sex
during Wide World of Sports.
149
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:40,000
Oh, unless women's gymnastics
are on, then you got a shot.
150
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,000
Never approach him
for sex in the morning.
151
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,000
He thinks that
is just disgusting.
152
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,467
And never ever
tell him he's right.
153
00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:48,601
Why?
154
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,834
Because he's a man, Marcie.
155
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,100
And the only thing uglier
156
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,667
than a man who thinks
he's right is Al.
157
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,534
Believe me, I know this
from experience.
158
00:06:59,534 --> 00:07:01,934
Let me tell you a story.
159
00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:03,334
A few years after
we were married
160
00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:06,033
I told Al that I could
hold up a fender
161
00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:08,167
so he could fix
the flat tire.
162
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:12,033
He said, "No, let a man do it."
I said I could.
163
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:14,534
So to make a long
story short,
164
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:17,534
a man had to set
his leg that night.
165
00:07:17,534 --> 00:07:20,968
But, to this day, whenever I ask
Al to do something for me,
166
00:07:20,968 --> 00:07:22,167
that he doesn't want to do,
167
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:24,467
he lifts up that leg
and says he can't
168
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:26,467
and that it's my fault.
169
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:29,467
The worst part
about it is, he's right.
170
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:32,868
Marcie, don't let him
lift his leg on you.
171
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:43,167
AL: Guess, I'll see you
tonight, Marce.
172
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:44,334
MARCIE:
What for?
173
00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:46,267
AL: To tell me
I was right.
174
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,267
PEG: You're not seriously
going to do that, are you?
175
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,334
AL:
Tell me I was right.
176
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:52,834
I was right.
177
00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:54,367
STEVE:
Marcie, I'm back!
178
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,667
Steve?
179
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:02,167
I thought you weren't due back
till tomorrow night.
180
00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:03,534
I missed you.
181
00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:08,701
I'm sorry I didn't call.
182
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:11,400
So you want
to fool around?
183
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,868
Well, sure.
184
00:08:16,701 --> 00:08:19,067
I'm so glad to hear that.
185
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:27,734
[DOORBELL RINGS]
186
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:35,133
I haven't slept
in 18 hours.
187
00:08:35,133 --> 00:08:39,467
Oh, Steve's
not back yet.
188
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,667
You have those
empty bed blues, huh?
189
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:44,467
Well, yes and no.
190
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:47,067
Peggy,
do you ever dream?
191
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:50,367
Nah. Why dream,
when I have all this?
192
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,000
No, I mean do you
ever have dreams?
193
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,367
Nightmares? I had
a real doozy last night.
194
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:01,868
What about?
195
00:09:01,868 --> 00:09:02,868
Al.
196
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:04,033
Al?
197
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:05,567
My Al?
198
00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:07,901
Yeah. See,
I was asleep--
199
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,367
Did he have feet?
200
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,400
Beg pardon?
201
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,701
It's funny.
202
00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:16,701
In my dreams,
Al never has any feet.
203
00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:19,534
Oh, well. Go on.
204
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:21,934
In my dream,
Steve came in
205
00:09:21,934 --> 00:09:27,167
and asked me if I wanted
to fool around.
206
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,367
And when I said yes,
he turned and it was Al.
207
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:30,501
My Al?
208
00:09:30,501 --> 00:09:32,601
Well, then what happened?
209
00:09:32,601 --> 00:09:33,767
Nothing.
210
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:35,634
Yep, sounds like my Al.
211
00:09:38,334 --> 00:09:40,601
I hope you're
not upset, Peggy.
212
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:43,100
About a dream?
Don't be silly.
213
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:46,634
Plus, if you dreamed that
Al was in your bedroom,
214
00:09:46,634 --> 00:09:49,300
I should be
apologizing to you.
215
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:50,334
Thanks, Peggy.
216
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:54,067
Oh, but could you
do me a favor?
217
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,534
Please don't
tell Al about this.
218
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,033
Oh, don't worry.
219
00:09:58,033 --> 00:10:00,534
But could you do
something for me?
220
00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:03,033
If you ever dream
about Al again,
221
00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:06,033
could you check and see
if he has any feet?
222
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:07,534
That really bothers me.
223
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:08,801
Sure thing.
224
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:11,734
Hi, Marce.
Hi, Peg.
225
00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:13,968
Bye, Peggy...Al.
226
00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:19,400
What's with her?
227
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,567
She had a dream she slept
with you last night.
228
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,567
Oh, yeah?
229
00:10:27,701 --> 00:10:29,067
She's a lucky gal.
230
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:35,734
STEVE:
Marcie, I'm home.
231
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:38,634
Steve?
232
00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:39,801
Yeah.
233
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,467
Sorry I'm late, honey.
234
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:45,467
The pro-penny people
pelted us with nickels.
235
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:49,000
Did I wake you?
236
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,334
Steve, it is you.
237
00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:52,834
Of course it's me.
238
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,167
Give me a hug.
239
00:10:55,734 --> 00:10:57,234
Did you miss me?
240
00:10:57,234 --> 00:10:58,400
Mm-hmm.
241
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,567
Don't worry.
242
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,501
Daddy's home.
243
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,434
And Daddy's going
to make it all better.
244
00:11:11,734 --> 00:11:13,367
STEVE:
Marcie, I'm home.
245
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:19,200
Hon, you wouldn't believe
the traffic over O'Hare tonight.
246
00:11:22,334 --> 00:11:23,767
I swear...
247
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:27,767
Someday that's where they're
going to find Amelia Earhart.
248
00:11:30,701 --> 00:11:31,734
But...
249
00:11:32,868 --> 00:11:34,534
The eagle has landed.
250
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:39,634
You want to fool around?
251
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,067
Pizza's here.
252
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:57,234
Kelly, you know that's not
the way to hold a pizza.
253
00:11:57,234 --> 00:11:59,467
Mom, have you ever tried
to carry one of these things
254
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,167
sitting on the back
of a Harley going 60
255
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:04,267
while trying to hold
onto a fat guy
256
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,234
who's wearing nothing
but chains and black leather.
257
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:10,133
Yes, I have, and that is
not the way to do it.
258
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:17,267
Mom, are we gonna do anything
different this summer?
259
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:20,267
Well, Daddy got seats
for the ballgames again.
260
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,434
Oh, puke.
261
00:12:21,434 --> 00:12:23,133
I thought
you liked the Cubs.
262
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:25,133
I do, I just hate watching
them from the roof
263
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:28,434
of that apartment building
where Dad always gets his seats.
264
00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:29,834
Well, honey, maybe someday
they'll forget about
265
00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:32,634
that fan interference call
266
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:35,634
that kept the Cubs
out of the World Series
267
00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:38,167
and let Daddy back
into the stadium.
268
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:40,367
I hope so,
because it looks so stupid
269
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:43,634
with just us and the Polaskis
doing the wave.
270
00:12:43,634 --> 00:12:45,133
[DOORBELL RINGS]
271
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:54,234
Marcie, you're a wreck.
272
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:57,267
Oh, I see.
273
00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:58,767
Steve got back,
274
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:02,767
and you two were at it
all night, huh?
275
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,234
No.
276
00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:06,267
I had
that dream again...
277
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,634
With Al.
278
00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:13,167
See, this is the part where
you're supposed to make a joke
279
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,767
about Al being quick
in the sack
280
00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:16,167
so I can laugh
and see that
281
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:17,534
you're not really mad
or anything.
282
00:13:17,534 --> 00:13:18,934
Marcie, that's two nights
in a row.
283
00:13:18,934 --> 00:13:22,100
Al hasn't been quick
in the sack with me
284
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:24,667
for two nights
in a row in years.
285
00:13:24,667 --> 00:13:26,701
Hey, you think
I'm enjoying this?
286
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:29,067
I was throwing up
all night.
287
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,934
Well, so did I at first,
but it passes.
288
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:39,100
Whatever happened to "It's only
a dream. Don't worry about it?"
289
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:42,100
Peggy, can't you see what hell
my life's becoming?
290
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:44,601
I haven't slept
in 48 hours.
291
00:13:44,601 --> 00:13:46,100
Steve's mad at me
292
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:49,067
because every time
he brings up sex, I get sick.
293
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:51,033
And now you're
yelling at me.
294
00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:52,534
And why not?
295
00:13:52,534 --> 00:13:55,501
You're the one dreaming
around with my husband.
296
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,334
Hey, Peg.
297
00:13:57,334 --> 00:13:58,367
Ha!
298
00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:01,767
Hey, Marce.
299
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:07,634
I tell you,
what a day.
300
00:14:13,267 --> 00:14:16,267
All day long,
it's pick up the shoes.
301
00:14:16,267 --> 00:14:19,267
Put down the shoes.
Pick up the shoes.
302
00:14:19,267 --> 00:14:22,767
Tomorrow ought to be
a good day for you.
303
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:24,767
Tomorrow
I wash the car...
304
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:26,634
in my t-shirt.
305
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:31,601
I can't believe
you told him.
306
00:14:31,601 --> 00:14:33,467
I can't believe
you dream about him.
307
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:35,467
I can't believe
everybody doesn't.
308
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,834
I'm mortified.
309
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,200
Well, get happy.
310
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:50,734
Well, Peg, it looks
like another little filly
311
00:14:50,734 --> 00:14:52,601
in the old
Bundy stable.
312
00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:55,534
Get me a beer, will ya?
313
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:58,167
Al, what are you doing
in Marcie's dream?
314
00:14:58,167 --> 00:15:00,534
Ruining her
for all other men.
315
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,200
You are doing something
to cause those dreams.
316
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,200
Now I don't know what it is,
but I want you to cut it out.
317
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,501
I'll cut it out, Peg,
just tell me what to do.
318
00:15:10,501 --> 00:15:12,334
What should I do,
stop wearing t-shirts?
319
00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:16,000
Stop oozing sex
from every pore?
320
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,267
That isn't sex, Al.
321
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:21,300
What should I do, Peg?
322
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,300
Well, you could
come upstairs
323
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:26,300
and be my dreamlover
for a while.
324
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,801
Peg, not tonight.
325
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:30,167
This leg has
been acting up.
326
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:34,601
Ever since that night
with the car...
327
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,667
Fine, fine.
328
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:37,100
Then let's discuss
who else's dreams
329
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,100
you've been
gallivanting around in.
330
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,601
Perhaps Mrs. Pritchard
across the street.
331
00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:46,601
I've seen how she looks
at you over her walker.
332
00:15:46,601 --> 00:15:48,400
If you think...
333
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:56,934
* If you want my body *
334
00:15:56,934 --> 00:15:58,901
* And you think I'm sexy *
335
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:02,100
* Come on, sugar
Let me know *
336
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:07,200
* If you really
Need me *
337
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,234
* Just reach out
And touch me **
338
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,734
Steve, please.
I'm trying to read.
339
00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:13,601
You don't have to stop.
340
00:16:13,601 --> 00:16:15,501
Just get me a hammer
and I'll just nail
341
00:16:15,501 --> 00:16:16,434
that sucker to the ceiling.
342
00:16:17,734 --> 00:16:18,734
Steve!
343
00:16:18,734 --> 00:16:20,234
I have a question.
344
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:21,968
Do you think
it's possible
345
00:16:21,968 --> 00:16:24,234
to dream that you're
interpreting a dream
346
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,968
or must you be
awake to do this?
347
00:16:25,968 --> 00:16:27,968
And what are dreams anyway?
348
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:30,534
Could we just be the dream
of some greater sleeping being?
349
00:16:30,534 --> 00:16:34,267
And if so, are we then
in fact real?
350
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:37,467
I want sex, Marcie.
351
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,133
I think I'm
getting nauseous.
352
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:46,601
All right. That's it.
353
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:50,834
Look, I've asked more
than a couple of women
354
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:53,234
to go to bed with me
in my time.
355
00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:54,634
While I admit some
of their responses
356
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:56,601
may have been somewhat cruel,
357
00:16:56,601 --> 00:17:02,167
not very many jumped up and
stuck their heads in the toilet.
358
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:04,000
Now something strange
is going on here,
359
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,300
and I demand
to know what it is.
360
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,801
Don't toy with me, Marcie.
361
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:10,667
I'm horny,
and I've been to Buffalo.
362
00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:17,801
Well...okay,
I'll tell you,
363
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:21,300
but you have to promise
not to get angry.
364
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:22,801
Fine.
365
00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:25,133
Well, it's
like this...
366
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:28,267
STEVE:
Al?!
367
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:32,100
And where are you
when I dream, huh?
368
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:34,634
Where were you when
I dreamt I was drowning?
369
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:36,267
How could I swim?
370
00:17:36,267 --> 00:17:38,701
You said I have no feet.
371
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:43,200
If you loved me,
you would have paddled.
372
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:47,000
[DOOR SLAMS]
373
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,334
Ah.
374
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:49,767
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
375
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,267
Who is it?
376
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:54,300
Steven
Bartholomew Rhoades.
377
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:57,667
Bartholomew?
378
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:04,968
Al, I'm horny. What are you
going to do about it?
379
00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:10,133
Get in there.
380
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,133
Don't go yelling
things like that.
381
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,133
I've got kids up there
382
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,467
Or out there...
383
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:17,000
Somewhere.
I don't know.
384
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,501
Did she tell you, Steve?
385
00:18:20,501 --> 00:18:21,667
Yes, Peggy.
386
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,801
He's an animal.
387
00:18:25,801 --> 00:18:29,167
I don't know what happened,
I go out of town for one day,
388
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:31,300
I come back,
my wife's throwing up
389
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:34,133
and dreaming she's sleeping
with your husband.
390
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:37,834
I guess that's why they
call it the blues.
391
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:39,834
I'm getting
out of here.
392
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,834
You two can go on
blaming me
393
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:44,834
for the dreams
of an insane woman.
394
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:46,667
I'm going to a hotel.
395
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,667
Better make it the Y.
396
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:51,400
I don't want
any women to see me.
397
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:57,133
Well, look who's here.
The dream weaver.
398
00:18:58,767 --> 00:19:01,767
Why can't you have
normal dreams like me?
399
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:04,267
You know, where
you're Maharajah Bundy
400
00:19:04,267 --> 00:19:07,834
and women with four breasts
feed you ding dongs?
401
00:19:10,434 --> 00:19:12,167
Is Steve in there?
402
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,968
No. There are no
other men in my dream.
403
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:17,968
Just Phil Donahue, and we feed
him to the lizard people.
404
00:19:17,968 --> 00:19:21,334
No, I meant is Steve
in your house?
405
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:22,634
Oh, yeah.
406
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,801
He and Peg
want me dead.
407
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,167
You just want me.
408
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:29,467
Sit down, Al.
409
00:19:32,501 --> 00:19:35,100
You're not going to be looking
at my butt or anything, right?
410
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,300
I think
I can guarantee that.
411
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,834
Sit down, Al.
412
00:19:38,834 --> 00:19:39,834
All right.
413
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:44,801
What is it?
414
00:19:44,801 --> 00:19:49,000
I know now why I was
having those dreams.
415
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,434
Remember the driveway repavers
you said were gonna rip me off?
416
00:19:52,434 --> 00:19:55,434
They were, Al,
but I never told you.
417
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:59,267
And the guilt I had manifested
itself in my dreams.
418
00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:00,767
I thought that--
419
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,267
That I desired you?
420
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,334
No, Al.
421
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:06,400
I was being punished,
422
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,767
much as sex with you
must actually be like.
423
00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:14,601
So now, in order to rid
myself of the guilt
424
00:20:14,601 --> 00:20:16,601
and those horrible,
horrible dreams,
425
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:19,534
I've come to say
you were right.
426
00:20:19,534 --> 00:20:21,300
You hear that, Al?
427
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,634
You were right,
and I was wrong.
428
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:26,467
You're the man,
and I'm the woman.
429
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:29,300
And in this case,
the man was right.
430
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:32,133
The man knew better
than the woman.
431
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:34,167
The woman should have
listened to the man.
432
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:35,968
Satisfied, Al? Is that
what you want to hear?
433
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,968
Wait a second,
hold on a second.
434
00:20:37,968 --> 00:20:39,834
You didn't desire me?
435
00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:45,167
You didn't
even have feet.
436
00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:50,067
Marcie, I thought
I heard you out here.
437
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:51,400
What's going on?
438
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,367
Nothing. Just purging
myself, that's all.
439
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:56,934
Oh, honey, not again.
440
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:58,267
Not that.
441
00:20:58,267 --> 00:20:59,934
Everything's fine now.
442
00:20:59,934 --> 00:21:01,767
Let's go home.
443
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:03,934
You mean home as in...
444
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:06,467
Last one up has
to read the ceiling.
445
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,067
I'm going
to have sex, Al.
446
00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:18,767
What's everybody
talking about?
447
00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:20,133
I got feet.
448
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:26,968
Al, Steve and I
were talking
449
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:29,601
about you being in
Marcie's dream, and...
450
00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:33,300
I was right about it
being stupid to blame me.
451
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:36,434
You're not gonna lord this
over me, are you?
452
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:38,567
Sure, I am, Peg.
453
00:21:38,567 --> 00:21:40,400
Well, I'm going up
to bed now.
454
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,334
Good.
455
00:21:44,634 --> 00:21:46,434
Why don't you come
on up and show me
456
00:21:46,434 --> 00:21:49,067
what dreams
are really made of?
457
00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:51,934
I'll be up in
a little bit, Peg.
458
00:22:01,767 --> 00:22:04,033
Well, at least
it's all over.
459
00:22:06,934 --> 00:22:08,267
PEG:
Al!
460
00:22:08,267 --> 00:22:09,934
Al, you coming up?
461
00:22:09,934 --> 00:22:13,300
I said I'd be
up in a second, Peg.
462
00:22:25,767 --> 00:22:28,467
I said
I'd be right up.
463
00:22:29,767 --> 00:22:31,934
Well, don't
wait too long...
464
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,501
tiger.
465
00:22:33,501 --> 00:22:37,000
AL:
Aah!
466
00:22:48,667 --> 00:22:51,300
[***]1
00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:17,901 --> 00:01:19,234
[DOORBELL RINGS]
21
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,934
Oh, why doesn't
somebody move this?
22
00:01:27,434 --> 00:01:28,934
Hi!
Hi!
23
00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:30,701
Have you seen Al?
24
00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:32,601
Too many times.
25
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:35,033
I can't believe
he's not here yet.
26
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:37,167
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure he's okay.
27
00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:38,901
Who cares if he's okay?
28
00:01:38,901 --> 00:01:40,534
We've got 25 minutes
29
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:43,000
to get to the closing
of Johnny B. Goode's.
30
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,767
They're tearing it
down tomorrow morning.
31
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:46,334
The burger place?
32
00:01:46,334 --> 00:01:48,334
Oh, it is much more
than a burger place.
33
00:01:48,334 --> 00:01:49,834
They've got fries.
34
00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:52,334
You know,
it's really a shame
35
00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:55,334
that they would tear down
a landmark like that.
36
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:58,367
People come from miles around
just to get a burger...
37
00:01:58,367 --> 00:02:00,868
and to look at the grease
stain on the wall
38
00:02:00,868 --> 00:02:03,634
where Al used
to rest his head.
39
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:06,400
And to think some people
waste their time
40
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,067
going to Yellowstone.
41
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,067
It's really gonna be
a night to remember.
42
00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:13,067
After all the people
who have tickets get in,
43
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,834
they're gonna
close all the doors.
44
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:18,067
Then people all over town
are gonna honk their horns
45
00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:19,567
in a fond farewell.
46
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:22,934
Sort of like Al does
in a funeral procession.
47
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:26,400
It sounds like you've got
a lot of memories there.
48
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,868
More than
anywhere else.
49
00:02:27,868 --> 00:02:29,367
After all,
it's where I met
50
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:32,901
the man I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with.
51
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:35,267
And I met Al there too.
52
00:02:36,467 --> 00:02:38,567
Where could he be?
Oh, well.
53
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:39,968
He wouldn't miss this.
54
00:02:39,968 --> 00:02:43,567
This is one of the few places
that still lets him in.
55
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,267
So I see you're all ready
for your big night.
56
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,434
Well...
57
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:49,367
it's not just
my big night.
58
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:51,400
I hope my dinner
party goes well.
59
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,501
See, if I get the
manager's position
60
00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:55,067
at Kyoto National,
61
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,667
then Steve is in line
for my old job at our bank.
62
00:02:57,667 --> 00:03:00,200
I was hoping they'd
give it to a woman,
63
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,968
but out of respect for Steve,
I'm staying neutral.
64
00:03:02,968 --> 00:03:04,834
That's nice.
65
00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,701
It was so
nice of you to let us
66
00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:08,934
keep our poached salmon
in your refrigerator.
67
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:10,567
Ours was so full already.
68
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:12,567
Al didn't touch it,
did he?
69
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,601
No. He actually liked
having it around.
70
00:03:15,601 --> 00:03:18,100
He said it gave
the refrigerator
71
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:20,200
kind of a foody smell.
72
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,300
Well, I'm off
to cement our future.
73
00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:25,501
Oh!
74
00:03:30,968 --> 00:03:32,467
Look at my dress!
75
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:33,968
Look at my fish!
76
00:03:33,968 --> 00:03:35,467
Look at my floor!
77
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:38,000
I've got to go home
and change.
78
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,501
Keep an eye
on my fish.
79
00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:43,000
It's keeping
an eye on you.
80
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,033
Oh!
81
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:47,000
Oh, my God!
82
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,968
The bankers
just pulled up.
83
00:03:48,968 --> 00:03:50,334
You sure it's not Al?
84
00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:52,434
Al doesn't drive
a Mercedes
85
00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:54,934
with the license
plate "YEN MEN."
86
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:57,367
I can't go over there
like this!
87
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,901
You could wear
something of mine.
88
00:03:59,901 --> 00:04:02,467
Maybe I can go
over there like this.
89
00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:05,467
No, I can wash this out by hand
and throw it in your dryer.
90
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,200
That should only take
15 minutes.
91
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,501
What about your company?
92
00:04:08,501 --> 00:04:10,501
Oh, Steve can stall
for that long.
93
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,534
He'll just show them
our river-rafting slides.
94
00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:14,133
Got any Woolite?
95
00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:18,501
Oh, yeah. I got some
as a gag gift for my birthday.
96
00:04:18,501 --> 00:04:20,601
It's upstairs
in the bathroom.
97
00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:21,834
Thanks!
98
00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:23,334
You can keep it,
99
00:04:23,334 --> 00:04:25,467
but just leave me the bow.
100
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,934
Al...
101
00:04:29,934 --> 00:04:32,100
loves...
102
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:34,767
Peggy.
103
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:38,300
Sorry I'm late,
but I was in such a rush,
104
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:39,667
I sideswiped a car
105
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,667
parked out in front
of Steve and Marcie's house.
106
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:44,200
Well, if they can afford
to buy a Mercedes,
107
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,067
they can afford
to pay for it.
108
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:48,400
Didn't you leave a note?
109
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,734
Sure I did. I said,
"Next time, buy American."
110
00:04:52,734 --> 00:04:54,234
Come on, Peg, hurry up.
111
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:55,934
We gotta get
to the restaurant.
112
00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:58,167
We're in the group
that's going in first.
113
00:04:58,167 --> 00:04:59,534
Number eight.
114
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:02,801
You're kidding. How did you
get such a low number?
115
00:05:02,801 --> 00:05:04,434
You know how Bud's
always complaining
116
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,167
I don't let him
stay out late enough?
117
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,667
So I told him he could sleep
on the sidewalk last night
118
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:11,067
at Johnny B. Goode's,
and he got us number eight.
119
00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,133
Bud wasn't home
last night?
120
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:17,968
Oh, well. At least he was
doing something worthwhile.
121
00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:20,968
Man, I'm starved.
I can't wait to sink my teeth
122
00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:22,667
into one of those burgers
one last time,
123
00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:23,767
and those great fries.
124
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,167
I still hold
the record.
125
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:27,434
I think I can still eat
10 bags in one sitting.
126
00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:29,901
Oh, you are great, honey.
127
00:05:32,801 --> 00:05:34,300
It stinks in here.
128
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,300
What's that thing?
129
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,901
Oh, that's Marcie's fish.
130
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:39,534
She spilled it
on her dress.
131
00:05:39,534 --> 00:05:41,501
She's upstairs
washing it out
132
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:44,300
Look.
I wrote you something.
133
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,834
Aww...
134
00:05:45,834 --> 00:05:49,100
"Al loves Piggy."
135
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:51,133
That ought to be
an E, Al.
136
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:52,434
I'll fix it.
137
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:53,901
I think I got
the stain out.
138
00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:58,868
Oh, Al, I didn't know
you were here.
139
00:05:58,868 --> 00:06:00,701
Well, there goes
my appetite...
140
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,000
and my favorite towel.
141
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,033
Marcie, I'll put that
in the dryer for you.
142
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,667
Who's been playing
in my fish?
143
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:15,767
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
144
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:18,100
After they get past number
eight, we can't get in!
145
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,667
Oh, I'm ready, Al.
146
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:22,167
I'm sorry, Marce,
but we gotta go.
147
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,534
I'll be okay. Does the dryer
buzz when it's finished?
148
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:25,901
How would I know?
149
00:06:27,234 --> 00:06:29,400
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
150
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,901
Okay! Okay! Okay!
151
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,701
My life is over.
152
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:36,200
That's nice, honey.
153
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,200
If you're hungry, there's
sandwiches on the table
154
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,734
and little fish bits
on the floor.
155
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,601
Life stinks.
156
00:06:43,601 --> 00:06:45,601
Yeah, well, it doesn't
get any better.
157
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:47,968
We'll be at
Johnny B. Goode's.
158
00:06:47,968 --> 00:06:49,534
Wait a minute, Al.
159
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:52,868
We can't go
with Kelly like this.
160
00:06:52,868 --> 00:06:53,934
Why not?
161
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:55,534
Life will stink
tomorrow.
162
00:06:55,534 --> 00:06:57,334
I know mine will.
163
00:06:59,033 --> 00:07:00,434
All right.
164
00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:01,968
Kelly, this usually
takes an hour.
165
00:07:01,968 --> 00:07:03,968
I say,
"What's the matter?"
166
00:07:03,968 --> 00:07:06,400
You say, "Nothing."
I say, "Come on, honey,
167
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,968
I know something's
wrong. What is it?"
168
00:07:07,968 --> 00:07:09,467
You say, "Nothing."
169
00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:11,901
So let's cut the crap.
What's wrong?
170
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,067
Nothing.
171
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:15,234
Come on, honey,
172
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:17,534
I know something's wrong.
What is it?
173
00:07:17,534 --> 00:07:20,467
And keep in mind I haven't
eaten anything all day.
174
00:07:20,467 --> 00:07:21,534
Okay.
175
00:07:21,534 --> 00:07:22,767
Well, Judy's having a party
176
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:23,968
for all the kids who count,
177
00:07:23,968 --> 00:07:25,133
and I wasn't invited.
178
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:27,133
Well, honey, if they
were really friends--
179
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:29,133
BOTH:
...they would have
invited you.
180
00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,367
Well, thanks
a lot, Mom.
181
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,834
So what you're trying to tell me
is I have no friends.
182
00:07:32,834 --> 00:07:35,667
That's great. Why don't
you really cheer me up
183
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:38,667
and tell me again
how lucky I am
184
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,300
to have inherited
the Bundy forehead?
185
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,767
I can't believe it.
186
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:43,300
I just have to face it.
187
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,601
I'm not popular anymore.
188
00:07:44,601 --> 00:07:47,968
And I've got the forehead
of a dolphin.
189
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,400
Hey, that's
one smart fish.
190
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,634
Oh, I'm ruined!
191
00:07:53,701 --> 00:07:56,033
Well, at least we'll know
where she is tonight.
192
00:07:56,033 --> 00:07:58,033
I'd better go up
and talk to her.
193
00:07:58,033 --> 00:07:59,534
Peg, we got number eight.
194
00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:01,534
We got seven minutes
to get there.
195
00:08:01,534 --> 00:08:03,534
If she starts crying,
give her some money.
196
00:08:03,534 --> 00:08:05,567
That always works
with you.
197
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:07,234
I don't know.
198
00:08:07,234 --> 00:08:09,567
My parents never talked to me
when I had a problem,
199
00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:11,067
and I turned out fine.
200
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,400
We're never gonna make it.
201
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,901
I got an idea.
202
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:16,400
Do you see a fish eye?
203
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,267
No, but I see
a chicken leg.
204
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:26,501
Hello, Johnny B. Goode's?
Who's this?
205
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:28,701
Hey, Spike, it's Al.
You got a minute?
206
00:08:28,701 --> 00:08:31,801
The hell with the
People magazineinterview.
207
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,167
You gotta do me a favor.
208
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:34,701
You know my friend
Fat Charlie?
209
00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:36,200
Yeah, the fat one.
210
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,234
He's got number 50,
and I got 8.
211
00:08:39,234 --> 00:08:41,234
Would you mind
if I traded with him?
212
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:43,734
Great. Would you go out
in the parking lot and tell him?
213
00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:46,234
I'll get there
when I can, okay?
214
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,734
Rock 'n' roll forever.
215
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,434
Come on, Peg.
216
00:08:49,434 --> 00:08:51,234
The fries aren't
getting any younger.
217
00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:52,767
Neither are you.
218
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:55,267
Marcie, I got three questions
for you.
219
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:57,801
What are you doing
in a towel,
220
00:08:57,801 --> 00:09:00,734
what am I supposed to do
with the Takahashi brothers,
221
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:03,601
and why didn't you tell me
you mixed our rafting slides in
222
00:09:03,601 --> 00:09:07,100
with the ones of your sister
giving birth to the twins?
223
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:10,634
Well, number one,
I spilled.
224
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:14,968
Number two, get out our camera
and ask them how to use it.
225
00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,601
And number three,
226
00:09:16,601 --> 00:09:19,701
it's for a lecture I'm giving
at our women's group,
227
00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:21,367
"Childbirth
and River Rafting:
228
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:24,100
Two of Nature's
Bumpy Rides."
229
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,200
Now go home,
go upstairs,
230
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,701
get me a dress,
and hurry!
231
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:29,868
Which dress?
232
00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:31,367
The power dress.
233
00:09:31,367 --> 00:09:32,400
Now, go!
234
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:38,067
Peg, does the phrase,
"Hurry the hell up"
235
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:39,667
mean anything to you?
236
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,567
I've taken care
of everything.
237
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:43,067
We are one phone call away
238
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:45,601
from this whole thing
being settled.
239
00:09:45,601 --> 00:09:47,100
[RINGS]
240
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,601
Hello.
241
00:09:48,601 --> 00:09:50,033
Kelly, it's for you!
242
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,000
That should do it.
243
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,501
Marcie,
make yourself at home.
244
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:56,501
Watch TV if you'd like.
245
00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:58,501
Oh, and don't
pet the dog.
246
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:00,868
He might expect it
from us.
247
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,167
Come on, Peg.
Hurry up.
248
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:06,667
People magazine's
down there.
249
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:09,167
We might get
our picture taken.
250
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,534
Oh! Oh! Oh!
251
00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:15,200
Come on!
252
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:17,667
KELLY:
Mom!
253
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:19,133
How could you?
254
00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:21,634
You made her mother
invite me?
255
00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:24,634
It was bad enough not being
invited in the first place.
256
00:10:24,634 --> 00:10:26,133
Now I'm the crybaby
257
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:29,133
who had her mother call
and beg to invite the nerd.
258
00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:31,234
That's what I am now.
The nerd.
259
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:34,133
I spent 15 years bleaching
and dying and piercing
260
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,133
just to create
this awesome image,
261
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:38,501
and it is shot to hell
with one phone call.
262
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:41,367
Oh, Daddy!
263
00:10:44,467 --> 00:10:46,334
But I was number 50!
264
00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:50,934
Honey,
265
00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:53,701
I know how you're
feeling right now,
266
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:56,701
but look, things aren't
as bad as they seem.
267
00:10:56,701 --> 00:10:58,200
Even nerds get married.
268
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,701
Look at Marcie.
269
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:03,701
Great. That's just how
I want to spend my life.
270
00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:06,701
Sitting there
in my natural hair color,
271
00:11:06,701 --> 00:11:08,067
fondling a dead fish.
272
00:11:10,968 --> 00:11:13,267
Let me handle this, Al.
273
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:16,300
Kelly, honey, your friends
are mad at you now,
274
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,834
but you'll
be a celebrity
275
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:20,100
when they see the picture
of Daddy and me
276
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,501
in People magazine.
277
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:23,801
I'll be there with my hands
tied behind my back,
278
00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:25,267
eating bags of fries.
279
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:27,067
Yeah, and I'll be
leading the crowd,
280
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:30,767
cheering, "Chug a spud!
Chug a spud! Chug a spud!"
281
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:34,234
Oh, how proud I'll be.
282
00:11:34,234 --> 00:11:36,834
Look, you guys go
and have a good time.
283
00:11:36,834 --> 00:11:38,133
I'll be okay.
284
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:41,467
If I'm gonna be a nerd, fine.
I can deal with it.
285
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:45,033
In fact, I'll start
practicing right now.
286
00:11:47,901 --> 00:11:51,567
Read any good books
lately, Mrs. Rhoades?
287
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:54,467
As a matter of fact,
I have.
288
00:11:55,801 --> 00:11:57,934
It's called
The Living Planet.
289
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,968
Would you kill me
with it, please?
290
00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:03,601
No, look,
you guys just go.
291
00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,100
I mean, after all,
292
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,000
if I had a chance
to have fun,
293
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,300
I wouldn't let one of your
problems stop me from going.
294
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,200
Of course,
I'm not a parent.
295
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,033
Our little Kelly
is really growing up, Al.
296
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:19,100
Sit up, dear.
297
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:22,100
That's how you get
the Bundy forehead.
298
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:25,100
Come on, Peg. We're
running out of time!
299
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,601
Hi, Dad. Mom.
300
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:29,100
Honey, there's dinner
on the table
301
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,267
right next to
your sister's head.
302
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:33,567
Where'd you put my car?
What car?
303
00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:35,067
Dad, tonight's the finals
304
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,901
for the Run 'em
and Wreck 'em Rally.
305
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:39,434
I've got post position
in an hour.
306
00:12:39,434 --> 00:12:42,234
Are there gonna be
any nerds there? I'll come.
307
00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:45,434
You weren't invited,
Kel.
308
00:12:45,434 --> 00:12:48,300
Bud, are you sure
I promised you?
309
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,367
Dad, you said
you'd fix it last night
310
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:53,000
if I'd sit on the cold pavement
in front of Johnny B. Goode's
311
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,501
with a bunch of sad old geezers
singing Beach Boys songs.
312
00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:58,000
But did I promise?
313
00:13:01,501 --> 00:13:02,868
Get the car, Bud.
314
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,634
We're never
gonna make it.
315
00:13:06,634 --> 00:13:09,033
I probably don't have
enough time to fix the car.
316
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:12,767
Here, Peg. You go
and have a good time.
317
00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:14,133
Aw, that's sweet, Al.
318
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:15,868
But I can't go
without you.
319
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:19,567
My memories of Johnny B. Goode's
are of us being together.
320
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,133
I'm glad to hear
you say that.
321
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,267
Because I had no intention
of giving you this ticket.
322
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,067
Hurry up, Bud!
323
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,667
Never wanted to get married.
I'm married.
324
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:29,167
Never wanted to have kids.
I got two of them.
325
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,501
How the hell
did this happen?
326
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:36,534
Hello, Spike? Al.
327
00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:38,567
Listen,
is No-Jaw McKenzie there?
328
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:41,067
Yeah, the one
with no jaw.
329
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:42,567
Is she there?
330
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:45,067
Great. Listen,
she's got number 110.
331
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:49,000
Tell her I'll trade
my number 50 for it, okay?
332
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,100
Yeah, thanks. Rock 'n' roll--
Yeah, something.
333
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,934
Give me the car.
334
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,701
Get out of my way.
335
00:13:57,501 --> 00:14:00,501
Nice to spend these father/son
moments together, Dad.
336
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:03,167
Shut up.
I'm trying to read.
337
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,167
Oh, great.
This is Japanese.
338
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:06,667
Oh, here we go.
339
00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:08,667
Uh, "Achtung!
Ihr hapft dikaf--"
340
00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:10,167
These
aren't instructions.
341
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:12,901
It's the history
of World War II.
342
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,868
Oh, here it is.
343
00:14:15,868 --> 00:14:17,367
Uh, "Attention.
Vous avez--"
344
00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:20,234
Hell. More people
we should have killed.
345
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:22,868
Where's American?
346
00:14:22,868 --> 00:14:24,367
Oh, here it is.
347
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:25,868
Here it is.
348
00:14:25,868 --> 00:14:27,367
"Battery check before--
349
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,868
To put cable on,
be sure--"
350
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:31,868
Will you
hurry up, Al?
351
00:14:31,868 --> 00:14:34,868
Yeah, I'll quit lollygagging
here any minute.
352
00:14:34,868 --> 00:14:37,868
Bud, here. Put these
batteries in something.
353
00:14:37,868 --> 00:14:39,234
See if they work.
354
00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:45,734
Dad, can I ask you
something real quick?
355
00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:47,200
Yeah, okay. What?
356
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,868
What's Mrs. Rhoades
doing in our living room
357
00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:50,000
wearing your favorite towel?
358
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,901
You want to hear
a long, boring story
359
00:14:51,901 --> 00:14:53,367
about a short,
boring woman,
360
00:14:53,367 --> 00:14:55,601
or you want
your car fixed?
361
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:58,667
All right.
"Put the red terminal
362
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:01,934
in the...
leconduizez."
363
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,434
Oh. My friends
the French again.
364
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:06,501
"The conductor."
365
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:09,567
Why don't they just say,
"Put the red wire in the hole"?
366
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:12,701
Oh, here it is.
"Put the red wire in the hole."
367
00:15:12,701 --> 00:15:14,067
So typical.
368
00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:16,601
Over there solving
the male child's problems
369
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:18,634
while your daughter
takes the back seat.
370
00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,968
You should be
used to that, Kel.
371
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:29,067
I know there was a mix-up
in the maternity ward.
372
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:31,067
Somewhere
in a game preserve,
373
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:33,067
two orangutans
are picking lice
374
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:35,601
off the head of my
real baby brother.
375
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,033
Al, talk to Kelly.
376
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:38,901
How was
your day, honey?
377
00:15:38,901 --> 00:15:40,734
You're standing
in my light, Kelly!
378
00:15:40,734 --> 00:15:41,934
Daddy...
379
00:15:41,934 --> 00:15:44,968
You wanted advice,
I gave you advice.
380
00:15:44,968 --> 00:15:47,934
You didn't want advice,
I left you alone.
381
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:49,400
Ok. Here's my advice--
382
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,167
I'm not a monkey.
383
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,801
We know, son.
384
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,934
Is my dress ready yet?
385
00:15:57,934 --> 00:15:59,300
For your body? No.
386
00:16:00,434 --> 00:16:02,934
I'll go check on it.
387
00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:05,934
Kelly, there were plenty
of parties I wasn't invited to
388
00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:07,434
when I was a kid.
389
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,000
There's a mystery.
390
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,367
Here's another-- What the
hell's holding that towel up?
391
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,434
So to continue, Kelly.
392
00:16:19,434 --> 00:16:20,934
I just showed up.
393
00:16:20,934 --> 00:16:23,934
I just stood there,
big smile on my face.
394
00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:25,467
I said, "I'm here"
395
00:16:25,467 --> 00:16:27,968
and went straight
for the food.
396
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:30,267
They didn't want me,
but I had a great time.
397
00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:31,968
And if they didn't,
too bad.
398
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:34,968
If you want
to be there, be there,
399
00:16:34,968 --> 00:16:36,968
even if they hate you.
400
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:39,968
You're a Bundy.
Start acting like one.
401
00:16:39,968 --> 00:16:42,467
I'm going to my room.
402
00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:44,434
That's a girl,
go where you want to go.
403
00:16:44,434 --> 00:16:46,467
I'm taking the binoculars.
404
00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:48,467
If I can't be there,
at least I can see
405
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,467
the lights from my room...
406
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,667
If I can fit the strap
over my forehead.
407
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:59,000
Dad, I sure hope you're better
at fixing cars than lives.
408
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,367
You call these lives?
409
00:17:01,534 --> 00:17:03,000
Almost ready, Marce.
410
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,000
How long does it take
to dry a dress?
411
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,501
In the machine's defense,
412
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:09,000
Al fixed that too.
413
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,501
I have an announcement.
414
00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:11,667
Shut up.
415
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:14,367
Where's Steve?
416
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,200
How long does it take
to find a dress?
417
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,000
It's not like he's
going through his stuff.
418
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,000
His stuff has to be all
folded very carefully
419
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,801
and neatly put away
in his drawers, all color-coded
420
00:17:23,801 --> 00:17:26,701
like his stupid socks.
421
00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:28,067
Does Al
have a sock drawer?
422
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,367
Yeah. It's
called the floor.
423
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,534
RADIO: Johnny B. Goode's
is sure hopping tonight.
424
00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:34,534
Batteries work, Dad.
425
00:17:34,534 --> 00:17:35,868
Shh!
426
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:38,701
Yes, it's closing night
at Johnny B. Goode's,
427
00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:41,033
But we're having fun,
aren't we?
428
00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:42,534
Yeah!
429
00:17:42,534 --> 00:17:44,000
Now stand away from the doors.
430
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,400
We're getting ready
to let people in
431
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,968
with numbers
from 100 to 150.
432
00:17:47,968 --> 00:17:50,467
Aw, Peg!
I traded for 110!
433
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:51,968
What am I gonna do?
434
00:17:51,968 --> 00:17:53,968
I'll call
your friend Spike.
435
00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:56,467
And I'll tell him to trade
with my friend Easy Edie,
436
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:59,968
you know, the one that turned
you down in high school?
437
00:17:59,968 --> 00:18:02,734
She's got number 198.
438
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:06,501
Okay, we're almost ready
for the fry-eating contest!
439
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:10,000
Chug a spud! Chug a spud!
Chug a spud!
440
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Those people
are morons, Dad.
441
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,501
Give me the batteries.
I'm done with the car.
442
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:18,000
What are all those
extra parts?
443
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,501
They're--
they're extra parts,
444
00:18:19,501 --> 00:18:21,968
for Koreans
or something.
445
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,367
Steve, where
have you been?
446
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:26,334
I got halfway
out the back door,
447
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:29,000
And Mr. Takahashi said,
"Hey, where you go?"
448
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,000
So I couldn't
just leave.
449
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,334
We started
talking baseball.
450
00:18:33,334 --> 00:18:35,000
Then we got into the sake.
451
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,567
I wrote a haiku.
452
00:18:39,968 --> 00:18:41,033
Give me this.
453
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:44,501
You call this
a power dress?
454
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:46,534
I can't wear this
among bankers!
455
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:49,434
I was in a hurry, I grabbed
the first thing I saw.
456
00:18:49,434 --> 00:18:51,501
I did that once,
that's how I got Peg.
457
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:56,767
Marcie, there's nothing
wrong with that dress.
458
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:59,934
Okay. We got number 198.
459
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:01,767
Ooh! Nice dress.
460
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:04,934
Sorry.
461
00:19:04,934 --> 00:19:06,434
[DRYER BUZZES]
462
00:19:06,434 --> 00:19:08,934
Never mind.
My dress is dry.
463
00:19:08,934 --> 00:19:10,934
Go back
and stall them.
464
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:12,467
Right. Uh, let's see.
465
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:14,968
Ooh! They mentioned
their new Mercedes.
466
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:17,667
I'll have them
show it to me.
467
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:19,334
Ok! Here it is!
468
00:19:25,968 --> 00:19:27,334
There it goes.
469
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,968
I saw that.
470
00:19:30,968 --> 00:19:32,968
Okay, okay, must be something
wrong with the batteries
471
00:19:32,968 --> 00:19:34,334
in the remote control.
472
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,534
Are you sure it couldn't be
one of those extra parts.
473
00:19:36,534 --> 00:19:39,467
You said that about
our real car, didn't you Bud?
474
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:40,968
And it's running fine.
475
00:19:40,968 --> 00:19:42,968
I mean, it's running good enough
that it can slam
476
00:19:42,968 --> 00:19:45,467
into a $40,000 Mercedes
and keep on going.
477
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,934
RADIO: Chug a spud!
Chug a spud! Chug a spud!
478
00:19:48,934 --> 00:19:51,934
That's a record
so far tonight, eight bags.
479
00:19:51,934 --> 00:19:55,934
Once there was a guy
who could eat 10 bags--
480
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,434
Al "The Pig" Bundy.
481
00:19:57,434 --> 00:20:00,934
He wouldn't pay for them,
but he'd eat them.
482
00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:03,234
Well, it looks like
they're going to be
483
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:05,434
seating the last group
in about 10 minutes.
484
00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:07,434
That means
it's last call...
485
00:20:07,434 --> 00:20:08,934
For cholesterol!
486
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:12,434
Remember, you can still
be a part of history.
487
00:20:12,434 --> 00:20:15,934
When we announce the doors
are closed for good,
488
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:18,968
We want people all over Chicago
to honk their horns
489
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,834
to say goodbye
to Johnny B. Goode's.
490
00:20:27,968 --> 00:20:30,701
I wish I were dead.
491
00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:32,567
I wish I was blind.
492
00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:38,968
I guess I can just
kiss this job goodbye.
493
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:42,467
They're trust their bank
to some harlot.
494
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:45,467
I might as well
put on go-go boots
495
00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:47,801
and sing
Nancy Sinatra songs.
496
00:20:47,801 --> 00:20:49,400
Well, I like it.
497
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,901
I think you
should be proud.
498
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,133
Just go on in there
and show them what you got.
499
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,400
That's how Peg got me.
500
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,234
I'd never let any real people
see me in this.
501
00:20:59,234 --> 00:21:00,501
That's it!
502
00:21:00,501 --> 00:21:03,434
I just saw Judy's trying
to steal back the boyfriend
503
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:04,934
I stole from her.
504
00:21:04,934 --> 00:21:07,934
I'm not letting her
get away with it.
505
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,434
I'm a Bundy.
506
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,434
I'm going right over there
and knock her teeth out.
507
00:21:11,434 --> 00:21:13,300
Nice dress,
Mrs. Rhoades.
508
00:21:15,434 --> 00:21:19,434
Well, if she can do it,
I can do it.
509
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,934
I'm not a Bundy--
Thank God--
510
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:24,434
But I'm going home
right now
511
00:21:24,434 --> 00:21:25,834
and getting that job.
512
00:21:28,167 --> 00:21:31,334
There. I think they were
just put in wrong.
513
00:21:38,501 --> 00:21:40,467
It's working.
Get out.
514
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:41,634
Thanks, Dad.
515
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:46,133
Peg, as much as I hate
to see you run, run.
516
00:21:46,133 --> 00:21:48,934
How much time
have we got, Al?
517
00:21:51,901 --> 00:21:54,767
[HORNS HONKING]
518
00:21:59,934 --> 00:22:01,934
Well, Johnny be gone.
519
00:22:01,934 --> 00:22:04,934
We just missed
the end of an era.
520
00:22:04,934 --> 00:22:05,801
Yep.
521
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:09,934
Well, we'll start a new era.
522
00:22:09,934 --> 00:22:12,434
How? We don't
have any traditions.
523
00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:13,801
We're Bundys.
524
00:22:13,801 --> 00:22:15,934
We still have one tradition.
525
00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:17,501
Remember what
we used to do
526
00:22:17,501 --> 00:22:20,334
when we came back
from Johnny B. Goode's?
527
00:22:20,334 --> 00:22:22,167
In my parents'
living room?
528
00:22:22,167 --> 00:22:23,300
Yeah.
529
00:22:30,234 --> 00:22:32,033
[TURNS ON TELEVISION]
530
00:22:46,667 --> 00:22:49,200
[***]1
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,667
Hey, Chicago,
2
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,733
what a day for a daydream.
3
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:22,101
Show me an unhappy man today,
and I'll show you a--
4
00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:34,133
A shoe salesman, Jim.
5
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:37,066
Twentieth-century blacksmith,
a working man,
6
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:38,800
an idiot.
7
00:01:38,834 --> 00:01:41,767
I'll feel better after
I have a nice cup of coffee.
8
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:06,567
Life is good.
9
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,300
Hi, honey.
10
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:11,033
Heh-heh.
Did you miss me?
11
00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:13,334
With every bullet so far.
12
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,500
Well,
13
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,266
maybe you need
a bigger gun, sweetheart.
14
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,633
Not that I don't love
your itty-bitty one.
15
00:02:23,734 --> 00:02:26,033
What got you up
before noon, Peg?
16
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,733
Oh, a foul, evil wind.
17
00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:32,867
You were snoring through
your nose, mouth and ears.
18
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:35,733
But I forgive you
because today is the day
19
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:39,633
the new fall preview issue
of TV Guide comes out.
20
00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:42,567
Oh, look at it, Al.
It's still warm.
21
00:02:42,601 --> 00:02:43,567
Mm-hm.
22
00:02:43,601 --> 00:02:45,733
Well, pass it over
my coffee.
23
00:02:45,767 --> 00:02:48,066
Are you so jaded
that even the new TV season
24
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,667
doesn't get you going?
25
00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,533
I mean, look
at these new shows.
26
00:02:51,567 --> 00:02:53,700
"Everything's
Comin' up Maggie.
27
00:02:53,734 --> 00:02:55,900
High jinks ensue
when Maggie-- "
28
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:57,468
Chastity Bono.
29
00:02:58,734 --> 00:03:00,500
"-- accidentally
becomes vice president
30
00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:01,966
of the United States."
31
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,633
Saturdays.
32
00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:05,366
Ooh, and look.
33
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,133
"We Are Family.
34
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:10,567
A Chinese family
with three children."
35
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:14,600
Oh. I get it.
36
00:03:14,634 --> 00:03:17,101
We Are Fami-Lee.
37
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:22,066
Ah, Jesus.
38
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,633
It's here!
It's here!
39
00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:29,133
My high school diploma.
40
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,834
I couldn't wait
for the mailman to come,
41
00:03:30,868 --> 00:03:33,500
so I just took it
out of his truck.
42
00:03:33,534 --> 00:03:36,468
I am a high school graduate.
43
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:38,800
Read it to me, Mom.
44
00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:41,900
What does it say?
What does it say?
45
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:44,433
Oh, Al,
isn't this exciting?
46
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,667
Oh, leave me alone.
47
00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:53,966
Good morning,
everybody.
48
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,867
Any chicks call for me
this morning?
49
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:57,966
Yeah, the, uh,
50
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,667
Malaysian mail-order bride
company called.
51
00:04:01,701 --> 00:04:02,667
No takers.
52
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,433
Apparently,
even poor, hungry women
53
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:08,334
from the Third World
think they can do better.
54
00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:12,900
Yuck it up,
future welfare mother.
55
00:04:15,467 --> 00:04:17,600
The babes will be
calling aplenty soon.
56
00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:19,334
I'm a senior now.
57
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:23,066
A mover.
A shaker.
58
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:25,366
I'm the man.
59
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,133
I've got the juice.
60
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,400
Yup.
61
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:30,533
When I was a freshman,
62
00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:33,033
they flushed my head
down the toilet.
63
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,467
When I was a sophomore,
64
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:36,966
they flushed my head
down the toilet.
65
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,366
When I was a junior,
I was getting cool,
66
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,101
so they let me
flush it myself.
67
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:47,834
But now, I'm a senior
and ready to rule.
68
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:51,066
This year, he's back.
69
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:54,967
He's cool. He's dry.
70
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,667
Until he goes to sleep.
71
00:05:03,534 --> 00:05:06,700
Oh, Al, our little man.
Heh-heh-heh.
72
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,334
Go away.
73
00:05:09,467 --> 00:05:11,633
I'm home!
74
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,834
Marcie,
you don't live here.
75
00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:19,233
I know.
76
00:05:19,267 --> 00:05:22,133
No one actually
lives here.
77
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:25,334
I meant I'm back
from my two weeks' vacation.
78
00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,900
You didn't know
I was gone?
79
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:37,266
So you didn't remember
to air out my house,
80
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:41,101
or water the plants,
or feed the goldfish?
81
00:05:45,167 --> 00:05:47,934
Oh, well. At least
my life is back on track.
82
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:50,033
I spent my two weeks off
at a seminar:
83
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,066
"You Are What You Were."
84
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:55,234
So you are a chicken.
85
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:59,867
With a bad haircut.
86
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:03,266
You know, that would have
bothered me before,
87
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:04,567
when I was what I'm not.
88
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:07,066
But now that I am
what I was,
89
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,767
I was what I am.
90
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:12,033
Stand back, she's getting ready
to eat spinach,
91
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:14,867
and then her tattoo
will get all big.
92
00:06:14,901 --> 00:06:19,600
You moron, it's not
I yam what I yam.
93
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:20,867
That's '80s.
94
00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:22,700
The point is, I'm confident
95
00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:23,700
and renewed.
96
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:25,099
So confident,
in fact,
97
00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:28,966
that I stopped by my bank
and demanded my old job back.
98
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:33,099
And after 20 minutes of frugging
on my boss' desk in my slip,
99
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:36,366
while the other tellers
tossed quarters at me,
100
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,934
I am once again
what I was:
101
00:06:38,968 --> 00:06:41,734
a dignified bank manager.
102
00:06:44,801 --> 00:06:46,533
Ah, gee, Al,
isn't this great?
103
00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:48,800
Everybody has the start
of a whole new life,
104
00:06:48,834 --> 00:06:51,734
except for you and the dog.
105
00:07:04,334 --> 00:07:07,999
Well, that all but throws
the dirt in my face.
106
00:07:08,033 --> 00:07:10,400
Everybody,
I have an announcement.
107
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:12,099
Your happiness
108
00:07:12,133 --> 00:07:14,767
sickens me.
109
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:17,467
Everybody but me
is looking at good times.
110
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:18,900
But for me,
it's been one
111
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:21,733
long continuous year
since I got married.
112
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:24,099
Actually,
one long month.
113
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:26,366
Helluary.
114
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,467
But I'm not bold enough
to expect happiness.
115
00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:30,333
I know that wasn't meant
for me.
116
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,767
But what I'd like one time
in my life
117
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:34,834
is for something new
to happen to me.
118
00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:36,333
Something special.
119
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:38,300
You're right, honey.
120
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:39,999
You know what you need?
121
00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:42,468
A good night job.
122
00:07:45,834 --> 00:07:47,533
Is that all I am to you?
123
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,533
An oxen to be worked
in the field
124
00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:51,567
until he drops dead?
125
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:53,333
Well, gee, honey.
126
00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:55,834
What did you think
you were to us?
127
00:07:55,868 --> 00:07:58,133
Well, perhaps husband,
128
00:07:58,167 --> 00:07:59,767
perhaps father.
129
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,467
Perhaps the man who's
about to run amuck
130
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:04,700
with a meat cleaver
if he doesn't have any fun!
131
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:08,266
Now, family,
I've just made a decision.
132
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:10,767
We're going on a Labor Day
vacation.
133
00:08:10,801 --> 00:08:11,767
Oh, no way.
Aw.
Aw.
134
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:14,001
Shut up.
135
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:18,767
But, honey, what about
the new TV season?
136
00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:20,733
I do not want to miss
the special premiere
137
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,333
of Grandmaster
and the Gopher.
138
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:26,266
"It's an hour drama
with comic overtones
139
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,934
"about a rapper who goes
to the center of the Earth
140
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:32,133
and raps
with the mole people."
141
00:08:32,167 --> 00:08:35,867
Oh, and look.
Sally Struthers is the queen.
142
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,434
Oh, Mom.
143
00:08:39,033 --> 00:08:41,300
I am talking
about vacation,
144
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:43,500
litter of my loins.
145
00:08:44,634 --> 00:08:47,033
Now, I shall tell you
where we will holiday.
146
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,667
We're gonna go where people
pretend they want to go
147
00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:52,166
when they can't afford
to go someplace good.
148
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,500
We're gonna see America.
149
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,800
We take no map,
we'll follow the sun.
150
00:08:56,834 --> 00:08:58,433
We'll stay in cheap motels
151
00:08:58,467 --> 00:09:01,767
and steal what we need
along the way.
152
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:03,233
We go west,
153
00:09:03,267 --> 00:09:06,166
past the cheese factories,
where the air is fresh,
154
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,733
sky is big,
155
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:11,533
and a man can still kill
his dinner with his car.
156
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:15,166
Guys, tomorrow,
we put the pedal to the metal,
157
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,967
and we ride with the wind.
158
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:40,867
Gee, Al, uh,
think you could slow down?
159
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:47,366
My hair is just
whipping in the wind.
160
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,300
He's not scaring you,
is he, kids?
161
00:09:50,334 --> 00:09:51,567
Sorry, Mom.
162
00:09:51,601 --> 00:09:55,500
I couldn't hear you
over the roar of the engine.
163
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:57,500
Come on, leave Daddy alone.
164
00:09:57,534 --> 00:09:58,966
I mean, how could
he possibly know
165
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,234
that there would be
a traffic jam on Labor Day?
166
00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:05,567
Shut up.
167
00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:09,834
Al, we have not moved
an inch in two hours.
168
00:10:09,868 --> 00:10:12,567
Peg, I can hear
that in our bedroom.
169
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:18,500
Now, just shut up
and let me enjoy myself.
170
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:22,034
I could hear that
in our bedroom too, honey.
171
00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:28,066
Ah, I'm not gonna let you
ruin this for me, Peg.
172
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:32,201
Yep, this is my vacation,
and I'm havin' fun.
173
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,934
I'm lovin' this.
174
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,099
Move! Move!
175
00:10:40,133 --> 00:10:42,133
I can't take anymore.
176
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,066
Oh, God, you're killing me.
177
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,368
Move! Move!
178
00:10:57,934 --> 00:10:59,700
Daddy?
179
00:11:00,501 --> 00:11:02,300
What?
180
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:04,800
Are we there yet?
181
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,066
If you don't shut up,
182
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,366
I'm gonna put the car
in park and just sit here.
183
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,200
Oooh!
184
00:11:14,234 --> 00:11:17,401
Peg, could you control them?
I'm trying to drive.
185
00:11:18,033 --> 00:11:20,700
Will we be back
by next Thursday, honey?
186
00:11:20,734 --> 00:11:21,767
Look.
187
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:22,900
"Nun of This.
188
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,334
"About a nun
who's had enough.
189
00:11:27,434 --> 00:11:29,900
"Karen Valentine
is Sister Lash.
190
00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:32,600
a nun with a gun."
191
00:11:32,634 --> 00:11:34,700
Enough, woman!
192
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:37,233
Now, I know what'll take
our minds off this.
193
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:39,099
How 'bout
a family sing-along?
194
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,300
Well, I don't know, honey.
195
00:11:40,334 --> 00:11:41,567
You sure you can sing
196
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,900
and pay attention to the road
at the same time?
197
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:46,966
Don't make me
pull over, Peg.
198
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,433
Okay. With me.
199
00:11:49,467 --> 00:11:52,033
* Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
200
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:54,200
* Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
201
00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:56,200
* The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
202
00:11:56,234 --> 00:11:58,366
* And the farmer said
It would do no harm *
203
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,300
* Second verse
Same as the first *
204
00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:02,166
* A little bit louder
But a little bit worse *
205
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,600
Everybody.
206
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:06,133
* Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn-- *
207
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:07,200
Hey!
208
00:12:07,234 --> 00:12:09,767
Would you shut
the hell up!
209
00:12:12,033 --> 00:12:13,934
Are you talking
to me?
210
00:12:13,968 --> 00:12:16,433
No. I'm yelling
at you.
211
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:18,368
Shut the hell up!
212
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,800
* Oh *
213
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,066
* The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
214
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:24,667
* The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly *
215
00:12:24,701 --> 00:12:26,734
* In the barn *
Hey, I said...
216
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,667
shut up!
217
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,999
And if I don't?
218
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:36,234
Then you'll be gummin'
"The Cow Kicked Nellie."
219
00:12:37,701 --> 00:12:40,301
Take the wheel, Peg.
220
00:12:42,534 --> 00:12:43,633
Now, look, pal,
221
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,934
if you want trouble
with me, you--
222
00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:47,500
Honey!
223
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,099
Al!
224
00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:52,733
Honey, we are in the middle
of the expressway.
225
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:54,800
Yes, Gerry, don't you have
anything better to do
226
00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:57,633
than to pick a fight
with a moron?
227
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,800
Just who are you
calling moron?
228
00:13:01,834 --> 00:13:04,600
Your husband,
you painted huss--
229
00:13:05,934 --> 00:13:06,934
Fight!
230
00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:09,167
Whoo! Yeah!
231
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:25,700
Gerry!
232
00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:28,101
Gerry! Gerry!
233
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,133
Al!
234
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:34,234
We're moving!
235
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,101
Come on, honey.
Let's go.
236
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:44,134
Here we go.
237
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,934
Is that it?
238
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,033
Yeah.
239
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,600
Let's go.
240
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,200
Honey, I'm just gonna
reason with him.
241
00:14:01,234 --> 00:14:04,234
After all, we're human beings,
right? We're not animals--
242
00:14:23,734 --> 00:14:25,633
Oh, please.
243
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,834
What's wrong
with you people?
244
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,700
All right, so I made
a teeny little mistake
245
00:14:29,734 --> 00:14:31,999
actually leaving
on Labor Day, but it's done.
246
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:34,567
We're in hell,
let's enjoy it.
247
00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:37,300
It's our vacation,
for God's sake.
248
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,266
Just look around.
249
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,234
Tell me what you see.
250
00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:45,567
I can see our house.
251
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:48,500
Great, Dad.
252
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:51,700
Five hours on the road
and we're almost home.
253
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,200
Dope.
Idiot.
254
00:14:53,234 --> 00:14:54,233
Buffoon.
255
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:55,700
I- I got another idea.
256
00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:58,633
Oh, put up the top,
so we don't get a windburn?
257
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:00,667
That's it! I'm flooring it
right into this bus!
258
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:01,733
Dad, no!
No, Dad!
259
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:02,900
No, no, no, Al!
260
00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:04,633
Honey, no, no, it's okay.
We love you.
261
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:06,066
What's your idea,
sweetie?
262
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:08,400
We love you, Daddy.
263
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:11,567
Well, uh, I was gonna say,
let's play geography.
264
00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:13,400
You know, I'll name
a state or a country,
265
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:14,966
and the next person
names one
266
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,300
that begins with the letter
the last one ended with.
267
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,767
Sound good?
268
00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:19,999
Sounds great.
269
00:15:20,033 --> 00:15:21,700
Oh, man,
let's play.
270
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,867
You start, Daddy.
271
00:15:22,901 --> 00:15:24,700
Okay.
272
00:15:24,734 --> 00:15:26,700
Alaska.
273
00:15:26,734 --> 00:15:28,733
A.
274
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,301
Peg?
275
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:32,300
Asia.
276
00:15:32,334 --> 00:15:34,266
Bud? A.
277
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,266
Africa.
278
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:38,800
Kel? A.
279
00:15:41,601 --> 00:15:44,434
Honey,
she's really trying.
280
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,900
I know. I know.
281
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:50,467
Hey, we need
some music.
282
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:51,800
That'll get us
out of this.
283
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:54,600
How 'bout some good old
American road music?
284
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:14,834
Al?
285
00:16:14,868 --> 00:16:16,633
What?
286
00:16:17,534 --> 00:16:19,934
Honey, I have to go
to the bathroom.
287
00:16:19,968 --> 00:16:21,200
But don't you worry
about it.
288
00:16:21,234 --> 00:16:22,900
I-- I'm just gonna run
back to the house,
289
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:24,434
and I'll be right back.
290
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:34,099
Alabammer.
291
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:36,600
Daddy. R.
292
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,033
Hello.
Heh-heh-heh.
293
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,567
Hi.
294
00:16:52,601 --> 00:16:54,633
Oh.
295
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,301
Boy, that takes me back.
296
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:08,500
Oh, hello, everybody.
297
00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:10,333
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
298
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:13,600
But I, uh--
I took a nap and ate and--
299
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:16,999
Oh, watched the premiere
of All-Night Security Dude.
300
00:17:17,033 --> 00:17:19,500
You know, I think it's
the part that Erik Estrada
301
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:21,500
was born to play.
302
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:23,533
Did I miss anything?
303
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,600
Yes, Peg, you did.
304
00:17:25,634 --> 00:17:28,667
Kids, show Mommy
what she missed.
305
00:17:28,701 --> 00:17:30,800
This sucks, Daddy!
You'll rot in a lowly grave!
306
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,934
Why don't you take us home?
You're not my father!
307
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,234
We wanna go home!
We wanna go home!
308
00:17:36,634 --> 00:17:40,099
About four hours of that, Peg,
that's what you missed.
309
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:42,867
And you couldn't
wait for me, huh?
310
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:43,900
All right, look.
311
00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:45,733
It's almost 9:00.
312
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:48,133
Traffic always thins out
about now.
313
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,900
So everybody buckle
your seat belts up,
314
00:17:50,934 --> 00:17:53,300
'cause any minute now,
315
00:17:53,334 --> 00:17:55,767
we ride.
316
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:05,134
Okay, kids,
rise and shine.
317
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,200
Where are we?
318
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:11,134
No sense in starting the day
with stupid questions.
319
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,101
Al, we haven't moved.
320
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:19,900
That's it. Come on, kids.
We're going home.
321
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:21,467
Now, wait a second.
Where you going?
322
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,567
You'll miss
all the fun.
323
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:26,201
Al, you reek.
324
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:29,800
I reek?
325
00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:31,400
I?
326
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:32,667
I,
327
00:18:32,701 --> 00:18:35,333
who only wanted to share
in the joy and brotherhood
328
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:38,099
of a family outing,
reek?
329
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:40,733
Well, let me tell you
what reeks,
330
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:42,834
okay?
331
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:50,600
Now, what reeks
332
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:55,233
is this facade
that we call Labor Day.
333
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,667
Honk if you hate Labor Day!
334
00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:01,900
You know what else reeks?
335
00:19:01,934 --> 00:19:03,500
Families reek.
336
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:06,201
Honk if you hate families!
337
00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:13,467
Because they are truly
the reason Labor Day reeks.
338
00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:14,999
Once a year,
339
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:17,366
they're on
these highways and byways.
340
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,567
And what do they say?
341
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:21,166
"We hate this."
"We hate you."
342
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,200
"Idiot."
"Moron."
343
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:25,366
"Buffoon," Daddy.
344
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,733
"Buffoon, Daddy."
345
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,667
But what about us?
346
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,333
The ones who truly labor?
347
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:32,300
We're on
this stinking road every day,
348
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:33,700
choking and wheezing,
349
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:37,200
marching along like lemmings
to a horrible, screaming death.
350
00:19:37,234 --> 00:19:41,234
Who cries for us, Argentina?
351
00:19:41,868 --> 00:19:43,133
Not our families.
352
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,934
Well, we can't expect that.
353
00:19:44,968 --> 00:19:48,133
The yoke on the oxen
feels no guilt.
354
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:50,667
But what we can expect
355
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:53,633
is that on our one
lousy, stinkin' day off,
356
00:19:53,667 --> 00:19:54,867
traffic can move us
357
00:19:54,901 --> 00:19:58,133
to our lousy, stinkin',
pathetic destinations.
358
00:19:58,167 --> 00:20:00,934
To our polluted beaches,
359
00:20:00,968 --> 00:20:02,500
our burning forests,
360
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,300
our wheezing grandmas,
361
00:20:04,334 --> 00:20:05,667
to our family barbecues
362
00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:08,733
with Uncle Otto
and his runny eye.
363
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:11,600
But does the highway department
prepare for us?
364
00:20:11,634 --> 00:20:13,767
Are they out here
helping us?
365
00:20:13,801 --> 00:20:15,667
Are they out there
in front of us,
366
00:20:15,701 --> 00:20:18,800
by that first damn car
that caused this traffic jam,
367
00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:21,533
saying,
"Step on the gas, you moron!
368
00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:23,600
Let the 20 million
people pass!"
369
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:25,233
They are not.
370
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,233
Why?
371
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:30,066
Because they don't care.
372
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:35,468
And that, my friends,
is what really reeks.
373
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,800
So let's face it.
We're not moving.
374
00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:48,999
We're just lining up to die.
375
00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:50,600
But let's show them
376
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:53,500
that the American spirit
is not dead.
377
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:55,500
So join me, will you,
378
00:20:55,534 --> 00:20:58,567
on this, our Labor Day,
379
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:00,700
and get out of your cars
380
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:04,101
and tear this highway to bits!
381
00:21:05,067 --> 00:21:06,900
Go into your trunks!
382
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:08,166
Get your tire irons
383
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,567
and your road flares!
384
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,500
Burn, baby, burn!
385
00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:14,600
Vengeance is ours!
386
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:21,700
Al! We're moving!
387
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:23,366
Huh?
388
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,867
Uh, we are...moving.
389
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:26,300
Everyone!
390
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:28,366
We are moving.
391
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:29,366
In your cars.
392
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,066
In your cars.
393
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,834
Kids, let's go.
Let's go.
394
00:21:32,868 --> 00:21:34,467
See? I told you
to stick with me.
395
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:35,600
Now, buckle up.
396
00:21:35,634 --> 00:21:37,834
Now,
397
00:21:38,501 --> 00:21:41,134
we ride.
398
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:45,134
Flat tire.
Everyone out.
399
00:21:46,567 --> 00:21:48,200
I'll see you
next Tuesday, Al.
400
00:21:48,234 --> 00:21:49,700
Come on, kids,
we can still catch
401
00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:52,800
Mark Spitz and Greg Louganis
in Swim Gyms.
402
00:21:54,033 --> 00:21:55,800
It's a story
about synchronized swimmers
403
00:21:55,834 --> 00:21:58,966
that solve crimes
in their spare time.
404
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,867
Fine. Go.
I don't need ya.
405
00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:03,034
I got my people.
406
00:22:04,901 --> 00:22:06,900
People.
407
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,500
I've got a flat tire.
408
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:10,767
Who will help me?
409
00:22:10,801 --> 00:22:13,934
Move that car!
410
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:17,099
Now-- Now, there's no--
411
00:22:17,133 --> 00:22:18,999
There's no reason
to throw things.
412
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:20,600
Now, get--
Get back in your cars.
413
00:22:20,634 --> 00:22:21,600
Stay calm!
414
00:22:21,634 --> 00:22:23,934
All right,
let's get him!1
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:23,333
So are you really sick?
2
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:26,800
You're not just trying to get
out of going to see my mother?
3
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,567
Now, Peg, that hurts.
4
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:35,368
You know how much I love
that huge, fat woman.
5
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:39,533
Yeah, we're
really sick, Mom.
6
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:42,401
I think we have
Monte Cristo's revenge.
7
00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:45,001
Well...
8
00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:48,133
Mom is gonna be
really disappointed.
9
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,133
You know, ever since her dog,
Rusty, died,
10
00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:52,266
the only comfort she has
11
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:55,233
is patting your head
till she falls asleep.
12
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:57,166
I am not
a Labrador retriever.
13
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,166
And I never bought the fact
that a full-grown dog
14
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,166
could accidentally wrap itself
in bacon
15
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,099
and fall
in a microwave oven.
16
00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:07,966
Well, what other explanation
could there have been?
17
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,500
Well, maybe he could
have told us
18
00:02:09,534 --> 00:02:13,767
if his mouth hadn't been
accidentally toothpicked shut.
19
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:17,567
You know, I don't know.
20
00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:19,233
They find one flea collar
in your bed,
21
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:21,900
and you're branded
for life as a dog-eater.
22
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,133
Oh, well.
23
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,567
Gee, I wonder
what's taking Bud so long.
24
00:02:25,601 --> 00:02:27,333
You know, I sent him
to the magazine stand
25
00:02:27,367 --> 00:02:30,467
to get Mom some of those
"larger women" romance novels.
26
00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:33,234
She wanted
The Pie Man Always Rings Twice.
27
00:02:36,968 --> 00:02:38,099
Well...
28
00:02:38,133 --> 00:02:39,900
they were all out
of thePie Mansaga.
29
00:02:39,934 --> 00:02:41,800
So I got her another
old favorite:
30
00:02:41,834 --> 00:02:45,134
The Red Fudge
of Courage.
31
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,500
Wait a second.
32
00:02:48,534 --> 00:02:49,667
What's with them?
33
00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,767
We're sick,
so we're not going.
34
00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:53,266
Hah!
35
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:54,800
I mean...
36
00:02:56,934 --> 00:02:58,900
So that's it.
37
00:02:58,934 --> 00:03:01,733
Mom, I'm telling you,
they're not sick.
38
00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:03,300
I saw them whispering
and plotting
39
00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:06,500
in clipped
and hushed tones.
Hm.
40
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:10,001
They don't love Grandma
as much as I do.
41
00:03:10,334 --> 00:03:12,600
Why was I
not included?
42
00:03:13,601 --> 00:03:14,567
Come on, Bud.
43
00:03:14,601 --> 00:03:15,667
Let's go.
44
00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:17,166
You gonna miss me,
honey?
45
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:20,001
Well, I can't
until you leave.
46
00:03:24,801 --> 00:03:26,966
Well, you know,
I left you plenty of food.
47
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,767
It's at the supermarket.
48
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:33,401
Have a good time,
Junior Mint.
49
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,600
Damn you.
50
00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:38,001
Damn you both.
51
00:03:38,601 --> 00:03:40,368
Damn your eyes.
52
00:03:41,033 --> 00:03:42,533
Come on, Bud!
53
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:45,468
Grandma needs
a sitz bath!
54
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:52,400
If it takes me a thousand years
and a thousand lives,
55
00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:54,500
I'll make you pay
for this.
56
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,167
This I vow.
57
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,633
Have a good time
at Grandma's.
58
00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:02,734
Yeah, tell her we said moo.
59
00:04:08,968 --> 00:04:10,533
They're gone!
60
00:04:17,834 --> 00:04:19,166
Now, Kelly,
61
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,366
we're gonna be spending
a whole week together.
62
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,600
And you might hear a "yippee"
or a "yeow" from me.
63
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:27,099
That doesn't mean
I don't miss your mama.
64
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,900
Just like changing
of the locks don't mean
65
00:04:28,934 --> 00:04:31,200
I don't want her back.
66
00:04:31,234 --> 00:04:35,066
Just adults, uh, express
their sadness in different ways.
67
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,533
And I express mine
by doing the Bump.
68
00:04:40,801 --> 00:04:42,900
Ah, life is good.
69
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:45,200
To me.
70
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:47,468
To us.
71
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:52,633
I meant...
72
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:57,734
Two beers for you
and none for me.
73
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:08,033
Daddy, you know, we're gonna
have a week to ourselves,
74
00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,733
and I thought
that it would be a good idea
75
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,066
if we did something together.
76
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,333
You know,
we never have.
77
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:13,999
Well, sure we did.
78
00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:17,767
Well, the day you were born,
I carried you from the hospital.
79
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:20,500
And, uh, 10 years later,
we had ice cream,
80
00:05:20,534 --> 00:05:23,800
and, uh, now, here we are.
81
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:27,033
Okay, well, how about
if we just talk?
82
00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:28,366
Great.
83
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,099
So, uh...
84
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:31,099
How's school?
85
00:05:31,133 --> 00:05:32,333
I'm out of school,
Daddy.
86
00:05:32,367 --> 00:05:35,066
Good. Good. Um...
87
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,867
So, uh...
88
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:39,700
How old are you?
89
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:43,733
Well...
90
00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:45,433
Going by the number
of birthday parties
91
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:48,633
that you've thrown
for me, I'm...3.
92
00:05:49,868 --> 00:05:52,101
God, how the years go by.
93
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:54,700
You don't know much
about me, do you?
94
00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:56,467
I do know I carried you
from the hospital
95
00:05:56,501 --> 00:05:57,633
the day you were born.
96
00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,433
I remember 'cause
I accidentally left you
97
00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:01,401
on the top of the car.
98
00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,667
I was about to drive away
99
00:06:04,701 --> 00:06:06,667
when I heard this sad,
little voice say,
100
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,966
"Stop. You're forgetting me."
101
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,333
So I got out,
let your mother in,
102
00:06:10,367 --> 00:06:13,234
and there you were.
103
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:18,300
Oh, Daddy, I've never felt
so close to you.
104
00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:19,800
So this week,
let's make sure
105
00:06:19,834 --> 00:06:21,467
that we never see
each other, okay?
106
00:06:21,501 --> 00:06:23,366
That would bring us
even closer together.
107
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,767
Okay. Aw.
108
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,633
All right, I'll see you
next week. Bye, Dad.
109
00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:28,468
Whatever.
110
00:06:34,434 --> 00:06:36,066
At last.
111
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:37,600
Single with TV.
112
00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:39,567
Ah.
113
00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:42,667
Pa? Pa, can I really
keep the pig
114
00:06:42,701 --> 00:06:43,900
I raised as a pet?
115
00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:45,500
Sure, you can, son.
116
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,967
Now, uh, run along
and do your chores.
117
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:56,334
The boy sure is dumb.
118
00:06:57,634 --> 00:07:00,800
* Who's that ridin'
Into the sun? *
119
00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:04,033
* Who's the man
With the itchy gun? *
120
00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:07,133
* Who's the man
Who kills for fun? *
121
00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:08,966
* Psycho Dad *
122
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,467
* Psycho Dad *
123
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:12,934
* Psycho Dad *
124
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:14,966
* He's quick with a gun *
125
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,834
* But he loves his son *
126
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:20,999
* Killed his wife
'Cause she weighed a ton *
127
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:23,667
* Psycho Dad! *
128
00:07:29,334 --> 00:07:30,867
* Psycho Dad *
129
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:32,733
* Psycho Dad *
130
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:36,067
* Psycho Dad *
131
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,467
Sorry, Peg,
132
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:46,033
but I'm gonna have
to leave you there
133
00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:49,101
as a lesson to other women
who don't cook for me.
134
00:07:52,234 --> 00:07:53,433
Yeah.
135
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,067
Ah...
136
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:02,533
Hey.
137
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:07,500
Yeah.
138
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,733
Al.
139
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,201
Al.
140
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:29,133
Leave me alone, Peg.
141
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:30,200
Al,
142
00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:32,567
let's fool around.
143
00:08:32,601 --> 00:08:36,266
Go away.
144
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:38,033
Please?
145
00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:39,600
You know,
pleading got you married,
146
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,934
but it's not gonna get you--
147
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:49,633
Well...
148
00:08:49,667 --> 00:08:51,667
Hello.
149
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,400
Are you gonna make me beg?
150
00:08:56,434 --> 00:08:57,633
Oh, you will do things,
151
00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:01,166
but begging will not be one
of them.
152
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,667
Daddy!
153
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:08,066
Daddy?
154
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:11,200
Mm. Hm-mm.
155
00:09:11,234 --> 00:09:14,234
Daddy?
156
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,834
It's not what you think.
157
00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:22,333
It couldn't be.
158
00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:24,266
By the way, what the hell
are you doing here?
159
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,967
I'm sick.
160
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,533
I wonder
161
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:33,734
what Psycho Dad would do
in a case like this.
162
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,301
There, there, pumpkin.
There, there.
163
00:09:46,267 --> 00:09:48,301
Ugh.
164
00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:53,934
God, what a day
in the shoe store.
165
00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:56,767
We had a clearance sale.
166
00:09:56,801 --> 00:10:01,133
We had to get rid
of all our size 13DDDD's.
167
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,500
Store was packed with women.
168
00:10:03,534 --> 00:10:05,567
Well, there were actually
only two in the store,
169
00:10:05,601 --> 00:10:08,368
but it was wall-to-wall.
170
00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:10,166
You know, you'd think--
171
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,934
You'd think that women
with big, fat feet
172
00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:13,300
would be slim and beautiful,
173
00:10:13,334 --> 00:10:16,468
but surprisingly...
174
00:10:16,934 --> 00:10:18,400
Daddy, I'm sick.
175
00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:20,033
Will you make me
some toast?
176
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:22,333
Well, Kelly,
you were here all day.
177
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,633
Couldn't you make
some yourself?
178
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,066
No.
179
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:29,366
Heh, you are your mother's
daughter, aren't you?
180
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,800
Would you mind telling me
why you couldn't make some?
181
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:34,133
Isn't it obvious?
182
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,667
Because I am sick,
183
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,533
and if I touched the bread,
then I would get my germs on it,
184
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:41,734
and then I would be eating
my own germs.
185
00:10:45,534 --> 00:10:48,434
Oh, and another reason is
we don't have any bread.
186
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:51,033
Well, if we don't have
any bread,
187
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,067
how can you expect me
to make toast?
188
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:56,266
Aw, no.
189
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:57,767
Why didn't you call me
at the store,
190
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,567
so I could have picked
some bread up?
191
00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:02,067
Isn't it obvious?
192
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,834
Because if I used the phone,
then I'd be getting germs on it,
193
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,700
and then I would be talking
to my own germs.
194
00:11:11,434 --> 00:11:13,467
Come on, get me
some bread, Daddy.
195
00:11:13,501 --> 00:11:16,368
Wait, I'm just waiting
to hear something.
196
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,633
Now, I can go.
197
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,366
Are you okay, Daddy?
198
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,900
Oh, great.
199
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:38,500
Lucky for me,
the hailstones stopped
200
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:41,368
just as I pulled
into the garage.
201
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:43,834
What are you doing?
202
00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:45,133
Eatin' pizza.
203
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:46,366
Some for me?
204
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,166
Oh, no, it's all gone, Daddy.
205
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,433
Too bad, 'cause it was
a real good one too.
206
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:53,966
Who the hell is this?
207
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,700
I'm Artie
from Pizza by Jake.
208
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,400
You owe me 7.50,
plus a tip.
209
00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:04,301
I'll give you a tip.
210
00:12:12,968 --> 00:12:15,434
Doors are hard.
211
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:18,900
Keep the change.
212
00:12:25,601 --> 00:12:27,066
Pumpkin,
let me ask you something.
213
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:28,966
If you couldn't call me
at work for bread,
214
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,166
when did you decide
you could call for pizza?
215
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,733
Well, I was thinking,
and I remembered that old rhyme:
216
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:38,467
Feet are cold,
starve for pizza.
217
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:39,767
No, wait, or is it:
218
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:44,266
Starve a pizza,
eat cold feet.
219
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,433
Well, at least we know
220
00:12:45,467 --> 00:12:47,734
your fever's shot
right past your IQ.
221
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:49,667
Now,
222
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:52,067
I guess we can--
223
00:12:54,901 --> 00:12:56,967
We can use that bread
a little later.
224
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,066
So, what do you wanna do, Dad?
225
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:03,567
Well, we could lower our heads
and run into each other.
226
00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:06,333
Daddy, you're so funny.
I love you.
227
00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:07,533
Do you love me?
228
00:13:07,567 --> 00:13:09,333
Well, love, hate--
Look, we're a family.
229
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:11,266
What's the difference?
230
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,433
Now, Kelly, go be sick
in your room.
231
00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:15,366
Daddy wants to watch
tube-top wrestling.
232
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,467
No, but you can't,
Daddy.
233
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:20,266
Because tonight is the big
music video countdown.
234
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:24,400
It's the top 10,000
classic videos of 1989.
235
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:26,200
Oh, come on.
Watch with me, Daddy.
236
00:13:26,234 --> 00:13:27,900
Maybe you'll see
one of your favorites.
237
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,966
Uh, well, I-- I really like
the oldies. Youknow:
238
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:34,934
See me, touch me, feel me
Marry me, kill me
239
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:38,066
Good night, pumpkin.
240
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:39,333
Oh, one more thing, Daddy.
241
00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:41,366
Wh-- ? Why, did you hear
a tornado's coming?
242
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,200
You want me to go out
for pantyhose?
243
00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:45,733
Daddy, you know
I haven't worn pantyhose
244
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:48,433
since I was 7.
245
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:51,667
Anyway, while the pizza boy
was going through the drawers,
246
00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:54,133
he found this.
247
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,500
What's that?
248
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:58,166
It's a bell.
249
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,366
Remember?
250
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,366
Mom got it last April Fools'?
251
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,500
She'd ring it,
252
00:14:02,534 --> 00:14:03,966
and you'd think
dinner was ready,
253
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,600
so you'd come
running down the stairs
254
00:14:05,634 --> 00:14:06,867
with a big smile
on your face.
255
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:08,567
And then when there'd be
nothing to eat,
256
00:14:08,601 --> 00:14:10,066
we'd all be laughing
and pointing.
257
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,633
And then-- Then you'd go on
upstairs all sad and hungry.
258
00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:17,834
Please stop, Daddy.
259
00:14:17,868 --> 00:14:20,266
If I laugh,
I'm gonna cough.
260
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,800
But I was starving.
261
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:25,867
"I was starv-- "
262
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,633
Oh, God,
you crack me up.
263
00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:33,166
Anyway, I just thought
that it would be a good idea
264
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,800
to call you
when I need something.
265
00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:36,366
But don't worry,
I'm not gonna use it
266
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,567
unless it is really,
truly necessary, okay?
267
00:14:45,834 --> 00:14:48,334
What? What?
268
00:14:48,901 --> 00:14:50,233
Oh, hi, Daddy.
269
00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:52,633
Oh, I was just playing along
with the video.
270
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:55,733
And for the lack
of one condom,
271
00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:58,167
an entire life was ruined.
272
00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:09,334
Honey, I'm home.
273
00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:14,667
How was your day?
274
00:15:14,701 --> 00:15:18,099
Well, a wealthy executive's
life is a busy one,
275
00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:20,401
but why should I
bore you with that?
276
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:23,468
Here's my paycheck.
277
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:26,867
So, what did
you do today, dear?
278
00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:29,500
Well, I watched TV
279
00:15:29,534 --> 00:15:32,266
and drank beer.
280
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:34,400
You're so clever.
281
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,733
I do what I can.
282
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,900
Well, do what you can with me.
283
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,468
Daddy!
284
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:51,067
Daddy-y!
285
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,999
Daddy!
286
00:16:00,033 --> 00:16:01,333
What is it?
287
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,600
What is it?
288
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,600
I can't sleep.
289
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:09,266
Well, have you tried
counting something?
290
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:12,867
Like the seconds
you have left to live?
291
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:16,734
I want you to tell me
a bedtime story.
292
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:21,034
You know, like you never did
when I was a child.
293
00:16:21,734 --> 00:16:22,800
Please?
294
00:16:22,834 --> 00:16:24,734
That's not going to work.
295
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,200
Please?
296
00:16:26,234 --> 00:16:28,368
Okay.
297
00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:37,533
It's not a happy story.
298
00:16:38,334 --> 00:16:41,999
It's a story
of great sadness and woe.
299
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:45,266
Once upon a time...
300
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:49,500
there was a man
who sold shoes.
301
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:50,500
He was a good man,
302
00:16:50,534 --> 00:16:52,200
but, somehow,
303
00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:56,099
good things never came
to him.
304
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:59,733
Did I mention he was
a great athlete in high school?
305
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:01,834
People cheered him.
306
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,733
That was before the...
307
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:07,434
red thing appeared.
308
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:13,166
Darkness fell
on Shoetown.
309
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,800
Who would take on
the red beast?
310
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:17,999
Who would battle?
311
00:17:18,033 --> 00:17:20,767
Who would marry it?
312
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:25,366
The little shoe man
stepped forward.
313
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,967
Or perhaps the others
just stepped back...
314
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,867
At any rate,
315
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:35,767
an unholy union was born.
316
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:39,333
So were two unholy children.
317
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:41,366
And the lowly shoe man,
318
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,467
who once had been a mighty
athlete in high school
319
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:45,266
and scored four touchdowns
in one game
320
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,033
and had many offers
to junior colleges
321
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:50,134
and could have made something
of his life...
322
00:17:54,133 --> 00:17:55,934
laid down...
323
00:17:55,968 --> 00:17:58,301
and died.
324
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:01,900
The end.
325
00:18:08,634 --> 00:18:11,267
Al.
326
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,267
As in,
Alnight long?
327
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:22,900
As in, AlI want.
328
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:27,900
Well, then,
Alyou shall have.
329
00:18:28,868 --> 00:18:32,134
Honey, I'm home!
330
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,967
Al Hercules Bundy!
331
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:38,567
Who is this person?
332
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:41,167
Who's this, Alzy?
333
00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:42,767
Well?
334
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:45,800
Well?
335
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:50,001
Well, obviously,
I'm having a hell of a dream.
336
00:18:51,968 --> 00:18:53,099
Rather--
337
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,867
Rather than take time
and explain it all,
338
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:58,567
why don't you two just fight
over me right here on the bed
339
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:01,267
while I watch
and take pictures.
340
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,366
And the winner
341
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,301
gets to have me first.
342
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,133
And third,
343
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:12,567
and fifth.
344
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,301
You may begin.
345
00:19:21,701 --> 00:19:23,201
Girls.
346
00:19:23,934 --> 00:19:26,368
There's not enough hair
whipping around.
347
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:41,233
Al, this is really no fun
unless you...
348
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:43,266
join us.
349
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:46,667
Yes, please join us.
350
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:48,999
Well...
351
00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:50,867
Okay.
352
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,401
Here comes Daddy.
353
00:20:15,701 --> 00:20:16,900
Oh, I just wanted you
to see
354
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:20,667
how cute Buck looked
with the bell.
355
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:38,434
Oh, Daddy,
one more thing.
356
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:43,734
What do you want?
357
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,800
I want--
358
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:50,067
I want--
359
00:20:53,868 --> 00:20:55,633
I wanna say good night.
360
00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:05,966
God, I feel great.
361
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,900
I am so glad
I'm over with that cold.
362
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,533
It was death.
363
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,767
So how are you today,
Daddy?
364
00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:12,900
Mm.
365
00:21:12,934 --> 00:21:17,500
I'm better.
My fever is down to 120 now.
366
00:21:17,534 --> 00:21:19,133
Well, I just wanted
to thank you
367
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:20,633
for taking care
of me all week.
368
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:22,433
That was very sweet
of you, Daddy.
369
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,099
And if there is anything
that you want,
370
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:25,900
you just ask.
371
00:21:25,934 --> 00:21:27,266
Well, thank you,
honey.
372
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:30,067
I could use maybe
a little crust of--
373
00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:33,034
Oops. I gotta go.
Goodbye.
374
00:21:33,434 --> 00:21:35,101
Fine. Go.
375
00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:42,201
No eat, no drink,
no money have I none.
376
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,433
Well, at least
there's one thing
377
00:21:46,467 --> 00:21:49,067
they can't take away
from me.
378
00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:55,867
Al.
379
00:21:55,901 --> 00:21:59,267
Al.
380
00:22:00,634 --> 00:22:02,767
Coming.
381
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,667
It's enema time!
382
00:22:13,968 --> 00:22:17,001
Someone ring the bell.
383
00:22:19,501 --> 00:22:22,500
Oh, God!
I can't wake up!
384
00:22:24,701 --> 00:22:27,867
Help me!1
00:01:28,701 --> 00:01:30,333
What's wrong
with Daddy?
2
00:01:30,367 --> 00:01:33,166
Ah, he's just
payin' bills.
3
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,934
Nothin' to concern us.
4
00:01:35,968 --> 00:01:37,600
Just be happy he's
not banging his head
5
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:39,533
against the table.
6
00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:47,533
Well, I'm signing now, Lord.
7
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:51,167
Please just smite me
before I get to the Y in Bundy.
8
00:01:51,734 --> 00:01:54,166
Oh, give me
that pen.
9
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,600
"Bundy."
10
00:01:55,634 --> 00:02:00,600
Heh. Yet another thing
you start that I finish.
11
00:02:01,267 --> 00:02:03,266
Well, now that
that's done,
12
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:04,934
how 'bout taking us
to the movies?
13
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:06,200
Well, perhaps you were fooled
14
00:02:06,234 --> 00:02:10,233
by the opulent luxury
of our home.
15
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:12,266
You see, believe it or not,
we're broke.
16
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,133
Now, I know I've said
we're broke before,
17
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:17,900
and you've all been
very brave and spent anyway,
18
00:02:17,934 --> 00:02:20,366
but it's really time
to tighten our belts.
19
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,500
Now, Peg, what can you
do without?
20
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:25,101
Apparently an orgasm.
21
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,368
Heh.
22
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:33,468
Way to get one.
23
00:02:35,033 --> 00:02:36,533
Kelly, and you?
24
00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:40,234
Well, I think that we all
could do without war, Daddy.
25
00:02:41,868 --> 00:02:44,467
Now do you think you
should have gained
more than five pounds
26
00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:47,333
when you were pregnant
with her?
27
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,500
Now, there must be
somebody around here
28
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:51,366
that can think of some way
to save money.
29
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,999
Hey, Dad, I got my license.
30
00:02:54,033 --> 00:02:56,468
Can I have a new car?
31
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:57,800
Daddy's broke.
32
00:02:57,834 --> 00:02:59,166
You're gonna have
to ask Mommy
33
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,900
to get one for you.
34
00:03:00,934 --> 00:03:02,433
Mommy, can I have a new car?
35
00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:04,468
Sure you can.
36
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:07,733
Oh, what the hell,
new cars for everyone.
37
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:09,834
That's wonderful!
38
00:03:09,868 --> 00:03:13,099
Quiet,
you morons!
39
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:15,366
There's gonna be no new cars
and no new drivers.
40
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,166
I already can't
afford insurance,
41
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,834
what with Kelly here
and the U-turn queen.
42
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,900
You know, it's not my fault
that they always put the sales
43
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:28,166
on the other side
of the street.
44
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,700
Dad, all my friends
are driving.
45
00:03:30,734 --> 00:03:32,767
Well, if all your friends
were getting married,
46
00:03:32,801 --> 00:03:35,400
would you do that too?
47
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:36,467
Look, forget a car.
48
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:37,767
There's no reason
to take one
49
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:41,134
when you can take
a perfectly good bus.
50
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,966
Oh, yeah. I'd look
real cool picking up
51
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,999
that special date
in the old bus.
52
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,567
Hey, you know what
all the guys say:
53
00:03:48,601 --> 00:03:52,334
"For a handful of girl,
give the bus a whirl."
54
00:03:59,033 --> 00:04:01,033
Oh, come on, Al.
55
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,900
You were worried
about Kelly driving,
56
00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:04,133
and in the past year,
57
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:07,334
she's only gotten
two or three tickets.
58
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:09,966
And it would
have been four
59
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,334
if I hadn't outran
those last cops.
60
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:15,867
Yep, they were fast enough
to keep up with me
61
00:04:15,901 --> 00:04:17,934
goin' the wrong way
on the expressway,
62
00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:22,433
but when it came time
to jump that drawbridge,
63
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:25,767
they just didn't have
the guts.
64
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,433
Well, I guess that solves
the mystery
65
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,734
of the bullet hole
in my gas tank.
66
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:32,400
Look, Bud,
how 'bout this?
67
00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:34,667
Whenever you want to go
someplace, I'll take you.
68
00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:36,133
Huh? It'll be fun.
69
00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:37,600
And that way
the skirts will think
70
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:40,201
I'm just one
of your cool friends.
71
00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:41,834
Oh, yeah.
72
00:04:41,868 --> 00:04:43,934
Then you could even have
a cool nickname,
73
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:46,633
like Jowl Boy.
74
00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:48,999
Son, let this be
a lesson to you.
75
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:50,500
Never do tequila shooters
76
00:04:50,534 --> 00:04:53,500
within a country mile
of a marriage chapel.
77
00:05:10,234 --> 00:05:12,533
Fly.
78
00:05:16,701 --> 00:05:19,067
Tapeworm.
79
00:05:27,534 --> 00:05:28,800
What's that?
80
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:31,066
Oh, that's Dad's
car stereo.
81
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:32,667
Since we've been
cruisin' together,
82
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:35,200
he let me fix it up
a little.
83
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:38,867
Fifteen-hundred watts
and no volume control.
84
00:05:40,968 --> 00:05:42,066
With the right song,
85
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:44,966
you can drop a bird
at a hundred yards.
86
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,667
Cool.
87
00:05:47,367 --> 00:05:49,600
Hey, Daddy, can I use
the car tonight?
88
00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:51,700
What?
89
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,533
What?
90
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:55,767
Mom, Daddy's
deaf again!
91
00:05:55,801 --> 00:05:58,834
Oh, I'll fix it.
92
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,767
Is that your way
of telling me, uh,
93
00:06:11,801 --> 00:06:13,434
we're out of Q-tips?
94
00:06:14,267 --> 00:06:16,266
Oh, honey, if it's good enough
for the toilet,
95
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:19,400
they're good enough
for you.
96
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:20,733
So how was your day,
sweetie?
97
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,033
Oh, fine.
98
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:24,500
Just me cruising around,
listening to the oldies channel
99
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,867
at 1500 watts.
100
00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:29,533
Made a lot of new friends.
101
00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:32,800
Take, uh, Officer Lewis,
for example.
102
00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:35,867
Unfortunately, I couldn't hear
his siren at first, but luckily,
103
00:06:35,901 --> 00:06:38,099
police cars are now equipped
with rammers
104
00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:41,467
that gently ease me
into the rail.
105
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,166
Luckily, the cop liked oldies,
106
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,567
so he beat me
with his nightstick
107
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:47,201
to the tune of "Hey Jude."
108
00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:51,633
Then he wrote me up 18 tickets.
109
00:06:51,667 --> 00:06:55,934
Including the one
for bleeding on his pad.
110
00:06:55,968 --> 00:06:58,600
How was your day?
111
00:06:58,634 --> 00:07:00,934
Quit whining, Dad.
112
00:07:00,968 --> 00:07:04,067
Put on the Bon Jovi hair,
and let's roll.
113
00:07:12,901 --> 00:07:14,733
Gee, honey,
114
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,967
you look like Tarzan.
115
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:20,867
If he was old and gay.
116
00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:25,400
Well, Peg,
if you were Jane,
117
00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:28,001
believe me,
he would be.
118
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,366
Come on, son.
Let's roll.
119
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,633
No way.
120
00:07:34,667 --> 00:07:36,400
The car's mine tonight.
121
00:07:36,434 --> 00:07:37,567
Come on, Daddy.
122
00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:39,433
If not, I have to stand
on a street corner
123
00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:41,834
and listen to guys yell
insulting and degrading remarks
124
00:07:41,868 --> 00:07:43,900
and make kissing sounds.
125
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:47,667
I'm sorry, honey.
We didn't know that was you.
126
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,133
No, forget it, Kel.
127
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:55,867
That car
is mine tonight.
128
00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:56,999
Mine.
Mine!
129
00:07:57,033 --> 00:07:58,066
Mine!
130
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,800
Now, that's enough,
devil dogs.
131
00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:02,600
Now, I can't take
any more of this.
132
00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:04,200
I'm gonna get
car insurance for him,
133
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,134
and you two can fight
over the car to the death.
134
00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:17,500
Hello. Jim's Fish, Chips
and Insurance?
135
00:08:17,534 --> 00:08:19,633
Al Bundy here. Hi, Jim.
136
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:23,066
Uh, listen, how much to put
my son on my insurance?
137
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,767
How old? Um...
138
00:08:24,801 --> 00:08:25,834
Sixteen.
139
00:08:25,868 --> 00:08:28,667
Uh, he's 16.
140
00:08:28,701 --> 00:08:31,400
Whoa!
141
00:08:31,434 --> 00:08:32,966
If you think
I'm gonna pay that much,
142
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,934
you're as stupid as those cats
you trap and call "tuna."
143
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,133
You know, when you insult
my wife, Jim,
144
00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:44,600
you don't hurt me, pal.
145
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,633
Well, what'd he say, Al?
146
00:08:49,667 --> 00:08:52,500
Nothing I haven't said myself.
147
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,467
Now, look, Jim,
148
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,700
if that's the best you can do
for a lifetime friend
149
00:08:56,734 --> 00:08:58,300
and someone who never told
the police
150
00:08:58,334 --> 00:08:59,966
what your "catch of the day"
really is,
151
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,166
then you can just take
my insurance and stuff it.
152
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,867
That's right, all of it!
153
00:09:05,467 --> 00:09:06,600
There, family.
154
00:09:06,634 --> 00:09:08,500
Al Bundy takes guff
from no one.
155
00:09:08,534 --> 00:09:10,999
Cheap, cheap, cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap...
156
00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:12,767
All right, I'm going
to give you the keys.
157
00:09:12,801 --> 00:09:14,033
It's mine.
Look out.
158
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,300
Out of the way.
Give it to me.
159
00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:16,400
Me! Me! Me!
Look out.
Me!
160
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:17,900
Look out.
Now, hold it!
161
00:09:17,934 --> 00:09:19,266
Just remember:
162
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,266
the one who drives,
be very careful,
163
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,133
because as you know,
we don't have any car--
164
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:24,233
Give me those!
Look out.
165
00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:25,433
Now, hold it!
166
00:09:25,467 --> 00:09:27,500
Be very careful
because we don't have any--
167
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,234
Ah, the hell...
168
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:36,033
Well, at least
my pain is gone.
169
00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:38,900
Al?
Oops.
170
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:43,166
Honey, you know, I may just be
the wife of a moron,
171
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,600
but isn't canceling
our insurance
172
00:09:45,634 --> 00:09:47,767
and giving the car keys
to two teenagers
173
00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:49,200
the work of, well,
174
00:09:49,234 --> 00:09:52,233
the Dalai Lama
of morons?
175
00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:54,166
Peg, we don't
need insurance.
176
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,433
Insurance
is like marriage:
177
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:57,533
You pay, pay, you never
get anything back.
178
00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,533
Besides-- Besides,
the car isn't worth more
179
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:02,467
than 100 bucks
with both kids in it.
180
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:04,500
Peg, I'm a real hero.
181
00:10:04,534 --> 00:10:06,700
For once, there's
one man brave enough
182
00:10:06,734 --> 00:10:09,734
to stand up and say he doesn't
need any stinking car--
183
00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:12,401
Oh!
184
00:10:14,434 --> 00:10:15,533
Is that my car?
185
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:17,500
Yeah.
186
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,900
Are the kids hurt?
187
00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:21,600
No. Whew.
188
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:25,067
Then I have
to do it myself.
189
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,966
Gee, what a wreck.
190
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,900
A 500SL Mercedes.
191
00:10:38,934 --> 00:10:42,099
You had to hit
a $100,000 Mercedes?
192
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:43,500
You know, it's amazing.
193
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:48,767
Your Dodge, with the high
Blue Book value of $70,
194
00:10:48,801 --> 00:10:53,233
sliced right through
that Kraut car like toast.
195
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,900
I'm tellin' you,
it is times like these
196
00:10:55,934 --> 00:10:59,099
that I am proud
to be an American.
197
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:01,700
Oh. That's good, Peg.
198
00:11:01,734 --> 00:11:03,400
Then it'll be your job
to make sure
199
00:11:03,434 --> 00:11:05,300
Old Glory is flying
high above our heads
200
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:08,301
as we wait in line
for free cheese.
201
00:11:09,133 --> 00:11:10,999
Oh, how much could it cost
to fix it, huh?
202
00:11:11,033 --> 00:11:13,600
A half a mil?
203
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:14,800
And you know he's gonna sue.
204
00:11:14,834 --> 00:11:16,500
That's the problem
with America today.
205
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:18,867
There's jerks out there
everywhere, suing for nothin'.
206
00:11:18,901 --> 00:11:20,266
He hit me, Dad.
207
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,434
We're suing.
208
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,233
Peg, get the kids
some neck braces.
209
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:27,999
But, Daddy,
we weren't hurt.
210
00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:30,533
Why can't you be more
like your brother? Huh?
211
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,999
You don't hear him
whining he's not hurt.
212
00:11:33,033 --> 00:11:36,366
Al. Honey, you know
we can't win a lawsuit.
213
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,567
Why, ever since
214
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:39,767
Bundy v. the Girl Scouts
of America,
215
00:11:39,801 --> 00:11:44,333
when you claimed to have choked
on a bone in a butter cookie,
216
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,500
no judge has ever believed
a Bundy.
217
00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:47,934
Like I ever had
a chance.
218
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,667
Peg, as God as my witness,
that judge's breath smelled
219
00:11:50,701 --> 00:11:52,667
of free chocolate mints.
220
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:54,366
Let's face it, Al.
221
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,400
Our only chance is
if we had a reliable witness.
222
00:11:57,434 --> 00:11:58,433
Oh, God.
223
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,999
You wanna hear something funny?
224
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:02,233
This car phone was lying
by my house,
225
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:03,999
and a policeman came over
and asked me
226
00:12:04,033 --> 00:12:05,533
which car I thought
it came from:
227
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,167
the Mercedes or the Dodge.
228
00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:12,600
He thought
it could be yours.
229
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:17,300
Oh, a shoe salesman
with a car phone.
230
00:12:17,334 --> 00:12:18,500
What's that?
231
00:12:18,534 --> 00:12:21,567
A woman across town
needs a 7 triple E?
232
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,900
I'm on my way.
233
00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:29,200
Oh.
234
00:12:29,234 --> 00:12:31,433
Who would have thought
seeing an accident like that
235
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:32,500
would be
so much fun?
236
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:33,633
You saw it?
237
00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:35,500
Yeah. I saw the whole thing
from the car
238
00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:37,200
while I was saying
good night to my date.
239
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,733
Oh, Al, a non-Bundy
as a witness.
240
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:41,133
They'll believe her.
241
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:42,533
But, Peg,
do you think a judge
242
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:45,368
will believe that
she had a date?
243
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:49,633
Honey, we could
actually be rich.
244
00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:51,867
All those years of pain
and suffering and--
245
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,934
And the humiliation
of having people call me
246
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:56,133
"Mrs. Bundy" to my face
247
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:57,533
are finally through.
248
00:12:57,567 --> 00:12:59,533
Oh, kids,
go to your sickbeds,
249
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:02,400
for tomorrow,
we sue.
250
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:05,867
Whoa, Bundy!
251
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,867
Good night.
We're gonna be rich.
252
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,400
Another accident case?
253
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:23,767
Great.
254
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:26,066
I just hope it's not one
of those frivolous lawsuits.
255
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,667
Make way. Make way.
256
00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:31,001
A crippled family
coming through.
257
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:41,034
Rum.
258
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,934
The case
of Bundy v. Fitzwilley.
259
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:53,066
And Dr. Fitzwilley
is suing the Bundys
260
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,867
for a million dollars.
261
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,333
The Bundys are countersuing
for...
262
00:13:57,367 --> 00:14:00,934
a jillion dollars.
263
00:14:03,868 --> 00:14:06,667
In cash, Your Honor.
264
00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:09,066
Mr. Bundy, before we begin,
265
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:11,934
could you tell me why your wife
is wearing a neck brace
266
00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:14,433
when she wasn't involved
in the accident?
267
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,233
Uh, let me answer that,
Your Honor.
268
00:14:16,267 --> 00:14:19,800
You see,
it's sex whiplash.
269
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:22,033
But it is accident-related.
270
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:24,266
You see, my husband
got so excited
271
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:25,667
over this jillion dollars
272
00:14:25,701 --> 00:14:27,900
that he, uh, just
lost control of himself
273
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:29,633
last night in bed.
274
00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:31,834
Ah.
275
00:14:31,868 --> 00:14:35,267
He kind of caught me
off guard. Heh-heh.
276
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,734
He moved. Heh.
277
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,533
Mr. Bundy,
opening statement?
278
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:50,133
Thank you, Your Honor.
279
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,400
And may I add that it's nice
to see a woman in a robe
280
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:56,900
who's not wearing fuzzy slippers
and a bag of Doritos in her lap.
281
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:00,867
And now--
282
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,567
-- on to the lawsuit.
283
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:08,200
While carrying canned goods
to their local church group,
284
00:15:08,234 --> 00:15:09,333
my beloved children,
285
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:14,099
Bud and, uh...
the girl,
286
00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:16,600
had their futures
maliciously torn asunder
287
00:15:16,634 --> 00:15:20,066
by the merciless destruction
of an Aryan super-car.
288
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,099
This, Your Honor,
289
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:24,734
is the nightmare
of your unified Germany.
290
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:26,633
Thanks to my witness,
291
00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:30,333
a professional banker
and brother woman,
292
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:31,999
we plan to prove
293
00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:34,200
that we deserve
a jillion dollars
294
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:35,767
in cash,
295
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:40,667
and we humbly await
your decision.
296
00:15:40,701 --> 00:15:41,966
So, Mrs. Rhoades,
297
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,266
you say you witnessed
the accident.
298
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,567
Yes, I did.
Mm-hm.
299
00:15:45,601 --> 00:15:46,934
And where were you?
300
00:15:46,968 --> 00:15:48,099
In my driveway.
301
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:49,966
I was saying good night
to my date in his car.
302
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,467
Mm-hm. And could you describe
303
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:52,800
how you saw the accident?
304
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:56,033
Well, we picked
our heads up, and we--
305
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:58,266
Picked your heads up.
306
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,500
Where were your heads
that you picked them up?
307
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,567
Well...
308
00:16:02,601 --> 00:16:04,267
Down.
309
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:07,400
Hey, I know
what you're thinking.
310
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,867
But let me set you straight.
It was not our first date.
311
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,533
And I would like
the record to show
312
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:14,934
that he bought me
dinner first,
313
00:16:14,968 --> 00:16:18,166
and he called me
the next day.
314
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,334
And who are you to judge me?
315
00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:29,900
You know what it's like
out there in the dating world,
316
00:16:29,934 --> 00:16:32,200
being smarter than the man
but being unable to show it?
317
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:34,733
Where is the harm?
Where is the harm?
318
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,066
So, Mrs. Rhoades,
319
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,300
you didn't really see
who was at fault, did you?
320
00:16:38,334 --> 00:16:40,066
No.
321
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,200
But the Mercedes had to be.
322
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:44,567
My ex-husband drove a Mercedes.
323
00:16:45,434 --> 00:16:47,567
You may step down,
Mrs. Rhoades.
324
00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:49,233
He left me like
the parsley on a plate
325
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:52,467
at a truck-stop diner.
326
00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:54,900
He loved that damn car
more than he loved me.
327
00:16:54,934 --> 00:16:55,966
Bailiff.
328
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,600
They have to stop making
those cars,
329
00:16:57,634 --> 00:16:58,700
don't you see?
330
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,467
They're evil.
They tell the man:
331
00:17:00,501 --> 00:17:01,867
"You don't need a wife.
332
00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:02,966
"You're a cool guy.
333
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,600
Look at that teenager
over there."
334
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:06,533
It's not the men.
It's the cars.
335
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,066
I'm warning you,
America,
336
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,066
keep your husbands
out of German cars!
337
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,999
Ask me what
fahrvergngen means!
338
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,301
I'll tell you! I--
339
00:17:19,601 --> 00:17:20,867
So, Miss Bundy,
340
00:17:20,901 --> 00:17:23,900
the accident cost you
your sight?
341
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,368
Yes. I am blind
like the mighty oak.
342
00:17:33,801 --> 00:17:35,533
Miss Bundy,
343
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:37,834
how many fingers
am I holding up?
344
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:40,333
Oh, you're not gonna
catch me with that one.
345
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,301
I'm blind.
346
00:17:43,968 --> 00:17:45,600
All right.
347
00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:47,433
Would you please
point out the man
348
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,099
who hit your car
and blinded you?
349
00:17:50,133 --> 00:17:53,266
Sure. It is that guy
right there with the gray suit
350
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:56,368
and the little Band-Aid
on his head.
351
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:03,434
You may step down.
352
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,934
Mr. Bundy--
353
00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:16,134
Uh, please, uh,
just call me Big B.
354
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,533
No.
355
00:18:19,334 --> 00:18:23,134
Mr. Bundy, I bet
you're a good driver.
356
00:18:23,801 --> 00:18:26,400
Ninety-eight
on the written test, babe.
357
00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:28,567
My boy's
a winner, Peg.
358
00:18:28,601 --> 00:18:31,533
Not like your girl.
359
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:34,834
Brush your teeth,
honey.
360
00:18:34,868 --> 00:18:39,201
Now, you're
a fine young man. Hm.
361
00:18:40,901 --> 00:18:42,366
Do you know what they do
362
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:46,034
to fine young men
in the big house?
363
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:51,867
That's right, Big B.
364
00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:55,300
And that's where you're headed
if you perjure yourself.
365
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,966
So I ask you one time
and one time only:
366
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,166
how did this accident occur?
367
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,733
We were playing Eyesies-Closies,
368
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,200
and my sister put her hands
over my eyes and I couldn't see,
369
00:19:05,234 --> 00:19:07,999
and I hit the gas,
and I heard a terrible crash.
370
00:19:08,033 --> 00:19:11,967
But the part about us being hurt
was the idea of that man.
371
00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,600
Come on, Al.
372
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:24,166
Ya only owe $50,000.
373
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,700
And you have a whole month
to pay it off.
374
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,500
Now, show some gumption.
375
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:31,999
You know what we say back home
in Wanker County?
376
00:19:32,033 --> 00:19:36,101
"Nothin' spells lovin'
like marryin' your cousin"?
377
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:39,467
No.
378
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:41,867
When times are tough,
we pull together.
379
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:43,099
So I'll tell you what,
380
00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:45,200
Bud and Kelly and I
are gonna go to the movies
381
00:19:45,234 --> 00:19:47,133
and leave you alone
to think in peace.
382
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,834
Come on, kids.
383
00:19:50,801 --> 00:19:52,600
Dad,
384
00:19:52,634 --> 00:19:57,201
I can't help but feel somehow
responsible for this.
385
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:00,867
Aw, son, come here
386
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:04,101
and let me choke you
till you feel better.
387
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:06,700
Well, you're not mad at me,
are you, Daddy?
388
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:08,233
No, pumpkin.
389
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:11,533
How many fists
am I holdin' up?
390
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,233
Oh, don't worry, Al.
391
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:16,099
We'll all pitch in
and help.
392
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:17,999
Why, Bud can
sell newspapers,
393
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,999
and Kelly can, uh,
394
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,834
twirl around
till she gets dizzy.
395
00:20:22,868 --> 00:20:25,366
And I can play
my accordion at parties.
396
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,567
And then all
you have to do
397
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:29,033
is come up with
the rest of the 50,000.
398
00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:30,900
You know, I really think
this is gonna bring
399
00:20:30,934 --> 00:20:32,366
our family
much closer together.
400
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,800
Mm-hm.
Come on.
401
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:35,667
Mom, do I really have
to sell newspapers?
402
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:38,500
No. I was just
sayin' that.
403
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:44,567
Fifty-thousand dollars.
404
00:20:44,601 --> 00:20:46,967
Thirty days.
405
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,333
Well, you know what they say.
406
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:55,700
When the going gets tough,
407
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:59,434
the tough runs like a thief
in the night.
408
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,500
Goodbye, Al Bundy.
409
00:21:03,534 --> 00:21:07,734
Hello to the mysterious stranger
in a logging camp.
410
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,767
See you on the other side, boy.
411
00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:15,366
Well, a loggin' man needs
a loggin' dog.
412
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,633
Come on, boy!
413
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:18,500
* North to Alaska *
414
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,667
* Where north
The rush is on *
415
00:21:20,701 --> 00:21:22,867
* Go north to Alaska *
416
00:21:22,901 --> 00:21:24,567
* Way north to-- *
417
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:26,834
Unh!1
00:01:16,801 --> 00:01:18,900
I can't believe
we lost again.
2
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:21,233
Well, it's not
your fault, honey.
3
00:01:21,267 --> 00:01:22,733
Youplayed great.
4
00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:24,400
You played great, too,
Mom.
5
00:01:24,434 --> 00:01:26,033
And you played
a good game too.
6
00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:27,999
Gee, if we all played
such a good game,
7
00:01:28,033 --> 00:01:30,067
I wonder why we lost.
8
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,201
What are you lookin' at?
9
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,067
Yeah, I know I made
a few errors.
10
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:46,334
For instance,
one, two and three.
11
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:52,433
I just have a couple
of nagging injuries, that's all.
12
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:53,934
I'll be fine
for next week's game.
13
00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:55,468
Trust me.
14
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:57,400
I'm still in my prime.
15
00:01:57,434 --> 00:01:59,001
Spasm! Help me!
16
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,200
Breathe through
the pain, Daddy.
17
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:06,066
Breathe through the pain.
18
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,600
Breathe.
19
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:10,167
Yes.
20
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,733
Aah.
21
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,500
Ah, that's better.
22
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:17,700
Okay, kids.
23
00:02:17,734 --> 00:02:19,533
Why don't you take
the bats downstairs.
24
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,099
Somewhere out
of Daddy's reach.
25
00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:23,734
You know,
next to success?
26
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,099
Honey, I just asked them
to leave
27
00:02:28,133 --> 00:02:30,033
because you know
I don't like insulting you
28
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,333
in front of the children.
29
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:32,600
But it was embarrassing,
30
00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:34,567
the way you missed everything
out there today.
31
00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:36,667
It was like you were
in the bathroom.
32
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:39,433
Peg, I told you.
33
00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:41,200
It's all injury-related.
34
00:02:41,234 --> 00:02:43,600
Believe me, when I heal,
I'll be batting.400 again.
35
00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:46,134
In both cases.
36
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,099
And I'll tell ya
something else.
37
00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:49,567
It wasn't me
who cost us that game.
38
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:51,934
It was those stupid calls
by that stupid umpire.
39
00:02:51,968 --> 00:02:54,867
I really believe
it was personal, Peg.
40
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,334
You stink.
41
00:03:04,133 --> 00:03:06,600
It was so much fun
calling you out.
42
00:03:06,634 --> 00:03:07,834
I know it was little,
43
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:11,700
compared to the big out
God called on you...
44
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:15,600
but still, it was worth
dressing up like a Ninja Turtle.
45
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:19,633
I'm glad you're happy,
rooster bait.
46
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,667
You're the reason
we lost.
47
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,800
Your bad,
10-minute-long calls.
48
00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:24,934
Hey.
49
00:03:24,968 --> 00:03:28,099
A lot of fans feel
I add color to the game
50
00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:32,134
with my patented
steeeee-rike!
51
00:03:32,701 --> 00:03:34,733
Besides,
52
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,467
it diverts attention
from you,
53
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:38,166
slinking back to the dugout
54
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,667
after yet another mighty whiff.
55
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:45,900
Marcie, Al's had
a rough day.
56
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:47,966
Why don't you just
sit down here,
57
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,533
and we'll talk
about something else.
58
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,500
You really stunk
today, Al.
59
00:03:57,534 --> 00:03:59,099
You know,
Al is so typical
60
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:00,867
of a man
when he gets his age.
61
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:03,233
In his head, he thinks
he's still young,
62
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:04,767
but look at him.
63
00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:07,767
Two hundred pounds
of hairless, mindless,
64
00:04:07,801 --> 00:04:10,800
aging monkey meat.
65
00:04:13,267 --> 00:04:14,700
And you know,
that's just the part
66
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:16,900
oozing between
the buttons.
67
00:04:18,901 --> 00:04:20,733
Oh, it's too bad
some men
68
00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:22,900
don't know how to give up
their sports gracefully,
69
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,400
instead of lingering on
like big babies.
70
00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:26,533
Yeah, doggone it,
71
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,400
if we could only be
comfortable with our age
72
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:31,233
like you darn gals.
73
00:04:31,267 --> 00:04:33,533
You know, I mean in the morning
you go in the bathroom--
74
00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:35,200
A little blush,
a little mascara.
75
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,467
-- and voil.
76
00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:40,001
You got an old woman
scared of rain.
77
00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:44,333
Then you try
to clean-and-jerk
78
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,368
your breasts
into a bra, and...
79
00:04:47,901 --> 00:04:49,567
ease some exercise pants
80
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:52,733
over that front
and back belly,
81
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:56,001
and go down to the market
and flirt with the bag boy.
82
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,366
I guess what I'm trying
to say is,
83
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,900
it's just pretty pathetic
84
00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:03,300
when we guys try
to cling to our youth.
85
00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:05,166
Well, I'll tell you
something about women
86
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,467
you may not know.
87
00:05:06,501 --> 00:05:08,767
We always get even.
88
00:05:08,801 --> 00:05:11,767
So let's just take a look
at who's umpiring
89
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:13,967
next week's
championship game.
90
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:15,600
Well, jeez, Louise.
91
00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:17,800
It's me.
92
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:19,166
It's a good thing
for you
93
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,368
I'm big enough not
to hold a grudge.
94
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,700
I'm gonna go home
and practice for the game.
95
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:27,633
You're out!
96
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,633
You'reout!
97
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,266
You, sir, stink,
98
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:33,400
andyou're out.
99
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,400
Out.
100
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,934
Out.
101
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,800
Out!
102
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,533
Al, when you were talking
about women,
103
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:50,034
you didn't mean me,
did ya?
104
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:54,734
I never do.
105
00:05:56,133 --> 00:05:57,400
Thanks, honey.
106
00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:58,667
Well...
107
00:05:58,701 --> 00:06:00,633
Ow!
108
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,200
I'm gonna go on upstairs
now and take a shower.
109
00:06:04,234 --> 00:06:05,200
What?
110
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:07,633
After only three ballgames?
111
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,001
Can't I take a shower
without there being a reason?
112
00:06:14,634 --> 00:06:15,966
And I don't want
to hear any more
113
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,600
about me losing that game.
114
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:20,166
People say I'm getting old.
I'm not getting old!
115
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,767
I can still do everything
I always did.
116
00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:26,334
God, how many more steps
are there?
117
00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:30,800
Well, we got the ice pack
on his back,
118
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:31,966
heat pack
on his neck
119
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,001
and a six-pack
down his throat.
120
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,500
So how is he?
121
00:06:36,534 --> 00:06:39,267
Sweaty, drunk and blue.
122
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,500
Gee, just like the night
we made you.
123
00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:54,867
Mrs. Bundy.
124
00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:56,500
Bundy children.
125
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:57,667
Is your husband here?
126
00:06:57,701 --> 00:06:58,700
Tsk.
127
00:06:58,734 --> 00:07:01,800
No. I'm cooking feet
for dinner.
128
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:02,800
Of course he's home.
129
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,233
You want me
to go call him?
130
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:06,700
No, no. We've got something
we want to talk over with you.
131
00:07:06,734 --> 00:07:09,700
As you know,
we still have high hopes
132
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,800
to win the league
championship next week.
133
00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:13,700
Don't worry, Daddy says
that he'll be ready.
134
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,099
Let's face facts.
135
00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:17,433
Your father stinks.
136
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:19,600
I say we should dump
the old dog.
137
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:20,934
Dump him?
138
00:07:20,968 --> 00:07:22,467
You can't.
139
00:07:22,501 --> 00:07:24,733
How 'bout if we just
move him to first base
140
00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:27,067
and not throw to him?
141
00:07:30,801 --> 00:07:34,867
What "The Say Duh Kid"
is trying to say...
142
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:37,099
is that you can't take
softball away from Daddy.
143
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,667
I mean why don't you
just lock him out
144
00:07:38,701 --> 00:07:40,433
of his own bathroom,
while you're at it?
145
00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:41,667
That's it.
146
00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:43,467
Leave the man with nothing,
why don't you?
147
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:45,400
Oh, now, now,
easy, dear.
148
00:07:45,434 --> 00:07:47,300
They can't get rid
of your Dad.
149
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,166
The championship game
is next week,
150
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,966
and they cannot play
with one man short.
151
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,467
As luck would have it,
152
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:55,333
we happened
on a replacement.
153
00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:57,200
We'd like you
to meet Sven.
154
00:07:57,234 --> 00:07:59,734
Oh, Sven!
155
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:14,700
He bats.380,
156
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:16,533
he's got a cannon
for an arm,
157
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:20,266
and he runs like children
from your husband.
158
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,233
Now, all those in favor
of dumping Bundy,
159
00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:24,767
raise your hand.
160
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,200
Oh.
161
00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:33,366
Gee.
162
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,234
How'd that get up there?
163
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:41,600
Mom.
164
00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:44,401
You're not really gonna
vote Dad out, are you?
165
00:08:46,267 --> 00:08:48,633
Honey, it's
for the championship.
166
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:52,600
It has nothing to do
with playing with Sven.
167
00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:56,767
His tensed buttocks
in his tight uniform.
168
00:08:56,801 --> 00:09:02,800
The autumn sun glinting on
his glistening, heaving pecs.
169
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,467
Come on, everybody.
170
00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:07,667
Let's welcome Sven
to the team.
171
00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:09,667
Ooh.
172
00:09:10,701 --> 00:09:12,734
Nice game, baby.
173
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:15,166
What do you say, young Bundys?
174
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,600
We need your votes.
175
00:09:16,634 --> 00:09:20,133
According to team rules,
the vote has to be unanimous.
176
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:24,167
It can be unanimous or out loud.
177
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,433
I don't care.
178
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,066
You're still
not getting my vote.
179
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,500
It's just like I wrote
in my fourth grade essay:
180
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:34,967
Daddy good, sleepy now.
181
00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:40,533
Yeah.
182
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:42,133
We don't care about winning.
183
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,767
Now, that man loves the game,
and we love that man.
184
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:46,333
Besides, if we voted
against him,
185
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:49,433
he'd kick the living crap
out of us.
186
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:51,366
You know, you'll have
to forgive the kids.
187
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,567
They still think of Al
as their father.
188
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:58,033
Hey, it's the team!
189
00:09:58,067 --> 00:09:59,700
Hey...
190
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,366
Ah, sorry, guys,
191
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,233
about that little slip-up
this afternoon,
192
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:04,533
but, uh, don't worry
about me.
193
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,834
I'll be there
for you next week.
194
00:10:06,868 --> 00:10:10,067
Who's the guy with the backpack
shaped like my wife?
195
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:19,200
Your replacement.
196
00:10:19,234 --> 00:10:20,433
Oh, good.
197
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:23,234
That way, I can concentrate
more on baseball.
198
00:10:26,968 --> 00:10:29,967
Watch that morning kiss, buddy.
199
00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:31,900
No-- No, Al.
200
00:10:31,934 --> 00:10:34,700
We meant your replacement
on the team. Uh--
201
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,166
How can we put
this gently?
202
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,500
Uh--
We think
ya stink.
203
00:10:37,534 --> 00:10:39,067
Yeah.
204
00:10:39,901 --> 00:10:42,333
Oh, stink, do I?
205
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,066
Let me paint
a picture for you.
206
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,633
May 6, 1982.
207
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:50,633
New Market Mallers,
0 and 10.
208
00:10:50,968 --> 00:10:52,600
But then,
209
00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:56,133
out of the shoe fields
came a fresh-faced kid,
210
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:59,700
with fire in his eyes
and thunder in his back.
211
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:01,368
Enter the Bundy era.
212
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,834
Let's remember
some great moments
213
00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:05,266
from the man
whose jockstrap
214
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:08,468
none of you
are fit to carry.
215
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:11,600
Or get within
100 yards of.
216
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,266
Remember with me,
if you will,
217
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,200
June 9, 1983.
218
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:20,999
Game on the line.
219
00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:23,266
The opposing team drills
one in to left field,
220
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,300
where you, Norris,
221
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:26,099
were standing frozen.
222
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:28,633
Bundy sprints to the fence
and spears it.
223
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:32,167
Mallers win.
And Bundy? MVP.
224
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,767
Let us remember now
Bundy on the base paths.
225
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:37,400
A little dribbler
226
00:11:37,434 --> 00:11:38,400
hit by you, Nessen.
227
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:39,667
Bundy,
228
00:11:39,701 --> 00:11:41,233
needing to score
to win the game,
229
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,333
lowered his head
230
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,999
intothe toughest catcher
in the game,
231
00:11:44,033 --> 00:11:46,867
and took out
Mrs. Shephouse.
232
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,567
Separating her shoulder
and ending her career.
233
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,066
Mallers win,
234
00:11:56,100 --> 00:12:00,633
and Bundy,
once again, MVP.
235
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,267
You still wanna
bench me?
236
00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:10,700
Yeah. You stink.
237
00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:12,133
Well, you can't.
238
00:12:12,167 --> 00:12:13,966
'Cause I know you need
a unanimous vote
239
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,366
to get me out
of next week's game.
240
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,133
And I happen to know
that my family here
241
00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:19,567
wouldn't do that
to their old man.
242
00:12:19,601 --> 00:12:21,133
Best your vote
could've been was,
243
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,999
uh...
244
00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:24,867
six to three.
245
00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:26,600
Seven to two.
246
00:12:26,634 --> 00:12:29,134
Why, Peg?
247
00:12:29,734 --> 00:12:33,267
Well, it was
for the good of the team.
248
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,700
Al, you gotta
feel this.
249
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,500
I'm gonna call
for one more vote, Bundy.
250
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:45,467
You can call your son home
from ballet school,
251
00:12:45,501 --> 00:12:47,667
for all I care.
252
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,600
I know I have the votes
of my children.
253
00:12:50,634 --> 00:12:51,966
All right.
254
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:56,200
I don't want to sway you,
but don't you youngsters
255
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:58,900
want to win
the first championship
256
00:12:58,934 --> 00:13:01,134
in Mallers' history?
257
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:03,533
Well, not if it's gonna hurt
my Daddy.
258
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:07,334
Well, what about free lunches
at my restaurant?
259
00:13:07,567 --> 00:13:10,366
Can we see a menu first?
260
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,999
Wait a minute!
261
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:14,300
Now, kids, before we vote,
262
00:13:14,334 --> 00:13:16,066
may I share a little rhyme
I learned
263
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:19,434
when I was both your ages?
264
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:25,366
* D is for de many pies
I made you *
265
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,900
* A is for the apple
In my eye *
266
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:36,099
* D is for de dish
You ate the pie in *
267
00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:40,400
* D is for de apple
Of my eye *
268
00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:43,934
Y? Because I love you.
269
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:47,633
* Put them all together *
270
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:50,500
* They spell Daddy *
271
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,667
I'm sorry.
272
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:55,700
Take your vote now.
273
00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:58,700
And starting for Al Bundy,
274
00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:01,234
Sven Hunkstrom.
275
00:14:02,701 --> 00:14:04,333
Oh, come on, honey.
276
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:05,867
Don't be bitter.
277
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:08,166
You can still be
of some use to the team.
278
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,900
Why, a few of us
would like ice cream.
279
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:15,333
Well, excuse me,
Mr. Long-Face.
280
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:18,500
Oh, don't you know we did this
because we care about you?
281
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:19,600
Oh, really?
282
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:21,200
Y- you know
what really hurts, Peg?
283
00:14:21,234 --> 00:14:23,066
It's the fact
that you didn't even bother--
284
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,468
Shh! Sven's up.
285
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,368
Boo.
286
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:33,233
* Born under a bad sign *
287
00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:37,266
* Been down since
I began to crawl *
288
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,567
* If it wasn't for bad luck *
289
00:14:39,601 --> 00:14:44,101
* I wouldn't have
No luck at all *
290
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:48,533
* Bad luck and trouble *
291
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:50,867
* Is my only friend *
292
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:52,999
* I been on my own *
293
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:56,066
* Ever since I was 10 *
294
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,834
* Born under a bad sign *
295
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:04,767
* I been down since
I began to crawl *
296
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:07,099
* If it wasn't for bad luck *
297
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:10,934
* I wouldn't have
No luck at all *
298
00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:13,900
* If it wasn't for bad luck *
299
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:18,468
* I wouldn't have
No luck at all *
300
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:21,934
Okay.
301
00:15:21,968 --> 00:15:23,200
Bases are loaded,
302
00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:24,667
and we've only got
one out.
303
00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:27,201
Bud, you're up.
304
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,834
Wish me luck, Dad.
305
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,301
That good enough luck
for you?
306
00:15:47,834 --> 00:15:49,633
Going...
307
00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:52,034
It's going...
308
00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:53,900
Caught on
the warning track!
309
00:15:53,934 --> 00:15:54,900
Tough luck.
310
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,834
Way to let
the team down.
311
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,300
Heeee's
312
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:00,834
out!
313
00:16:04,934 --> 00:16:07,233
What do we do now?
314
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,834
We have to have someone
to bat for him.
315
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:11,134
We've only one player left.
316
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,467
Excuse me.
317
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:21,500
Mrs. Bundy?
318
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:23,633
Oh, yeah.
319
00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:26,700
This'll be real easy.
320
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,201
Al...
321
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:32,767
Honey.
322
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:35,900
Hey, would you
go up there and bat?
323
00:16:35,934 --> 00:16:37,700
The guys would
really like it a lot.
324
00:16:37,734 --> 00:16:39,734
Really?
325
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,900
Gee, does everyone
want me?
326
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,667
I mean, even my family?
327
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,934
I mean, I'm--
I'm old, and I stink.
328
00:16:46,868 --> 00:16:49,967
What's it gonna take
to get you to go hit?
329
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:06,366
* D is for de many pies
You made us *
330
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,266
* A is for the apple
In his eye *
331
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:12,667
* D is for the dish
You made the pie in *
332
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:15,633
* D is for de apple
In his eye *
333
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:18,467
* Y? Because we love you *
334
00:17:18,501 --> 00:17:20,266
* Put them all together *
335
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,567
* They spell... *
336
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:24,101
Make me feel it.
337
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:28,101
* Daddy *
338
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,434
Hat.
339
00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:43,301
Thunder rod.
340
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:48,966
Batting for Sven Hunkstrom,
341
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,500
Al Bundy.
342
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:58,633
You know he's gonna
strike out.
343
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,201
Strike!
344
00:18:18,734 --> 00:18:20,233
What's he doing?
345
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,934
Framing his greatest failure.
346
00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:30,334
Strike two!
347
00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:32,133
Come on, kids.
348
00:18:32,167 --> 00:18:33,333
Daddy can get
a ride home
349
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:35,966
on the shoulders
of the opposing team.
350
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,034
Come on, Bundy!
351
00:18:41,934 --> 00:18:43,934
You can do it!
352
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,067
Come on, Bundy!
353
00:19:01,868 --> 00:19:02,999
It's going...
354
00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:04,834
It's going...
355
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,900
It's gone!
356
00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:15,368
We've done it!
357
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,333
Well,
358
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:20,533
you know, we're never gonna
hear the end of this one.
359
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:21,934
Gee, how can you tell?
360
00:19:21,968 --> 00:19:23,800
The way he's making
fire engine noises
361
00:19:23,834 --> 00:19:25,967
as he rounds the bases?
362
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,767
Well, look closely, kids.
363
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:31,200
Something you may
never see again.
364
00:19:31,234 --> 00:19:32,233
Behold.
365
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:35,734
A shoe salesman
in triumph.
366
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:42,101
All right, Dad!
367
00:19:44,634 --> 00:19:46,300
Well, cross the plate, Bundy.
368
00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:47,900
Cross the plate!
369
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:50,133
In due time.
370
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:52,101
Microphone, please.
371
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:02,233
Before I cross home plate
372
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:06,633
and bring home the first-ever
championship to the Mallers,
373
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:09,433
I would just like to say that,
374
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:12,468
today, today, today, today...
375
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,099
I consider you, you, you...
376
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,033
the luckiest team
377
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:20,101
on the face
of the earth, earth, earth...
378
00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:23,333
And in closing,
I'd like to say,
379
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:26,233
I hate you all.
380
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:29,433
I thank no one but myself.
381
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:33,600
As of today, I, Al Bundy,
382
00:20:33,634 --> 00:20:36,334
am finished with baseball.
383
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,633
M.
384
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,300
V.
385
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:44,834
P!
386
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,967
Move it!
387
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,166
Hey, kid,
how you doin'?
388
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,166
All right.
389
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,734
All right!
390
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,166
Boy, that center fielder's
gonna get burned
391
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,034
playing that shallow.
392
00:21:37,667 --> 00:21:39,167
Heads up!
393
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,366
Who is that guy?
394
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,800
I think it's him.
395
00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:47,300
Who's him?
396
00:21:47,334 --> 00:21:48,366
Al Bundy.
397
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,366
Did you ever
see him play?
398
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,900
I only heard about him.
Yeah...
399
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,201
I saw him play.
400
00:21:57,267 --> 00:21:59,166
He was the best.
401
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,233
Ran, threw, sold shoes.
402
00:22:02,267 --> 00:22:03,233
Heh.
403
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:05,767
He was the best.
404
00:22:05,868 --> 00:22:07,434
Is that him?
405
00:22:17,868 --> 00:22:19,500
Nah.
406
00:22:19,534 --> 00:22:21,034
That's not him.
407
00:22:21,701 --> 00:22:24,834
He said he'd had enough
of the game. Heh.1
00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:23,033
Kelly Bundy,
2
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:24,500
you have
just been elected
3
00:01:24,534 --> 00:01:27,033
president of
the United States.
4
00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:30,233
What message would you give
to the American people?
5
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,401
Let's dance.
6
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,066
Oh, no.
7
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,867
Not the president
dream again.
8
00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:46,800
Kel?!
9
00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:49,600
Who let the dog
in the White House?
10
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:52,867
I got a date tonight.
11
00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:54,033
Now...
12
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:55,567
I need you to smell me,
13
00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:57,334
and tell me
what you think.
14
00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:00,066
Ah.
15
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:03,767
That daring combination
of Noxzema and Vaseline.
16
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,700
You know...
it has that sexy
17
00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:10,367
"just out of
the hospital" smell.
18
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,900
It's Open Sesame,
you idiot.
19
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,934
The official cologne
of Buster Douglas.
20
00:02:16,968 --> 00:02:19,433
One shot, and you're
down for the count.
21
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:21,800
Face it, Bud.
22
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,867
You're a cootie.
23
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,567
So you have
two choices.
24
00:02:26,601 --> 00:02:27,667
You can either
go out
25
00:02:27,701 --> 00:02:29,667
with the female version
of yourself,
26
00:02:29,701 --> 00:02:32,767
a cootessa...
27
00:02:32,801 --> 00:02:34,767
or you could try
a human girl,
28
00:02:34,801 --> 00:02:37,401
in which case you're
gonna need money.
29
00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:44,934
I'm home.
30
00:02:44,968 --> 00:02:46,400
Money, money, money.
31
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,700
Back, you dogs!
Back, I say!
32
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:49,733
Sit! Down! Heel!
33
00:02:51,467 --> 00:02:53,366
I don't have any money,
I swear.
34
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,133
Money, money,
money, money.
35
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:58,200
No. No. No. Aah-ha.
36
00:02:58,234 --> 00:03:00,600
Jackpot.
37
00:03:00,634 --> 00:03:02,567
Kids, wait a minute.
Your old dad's starving.
38
00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:04,066
Could you please
just...
39
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,833
Ah, who cares?
40
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:09,300
I'll get my woman
to get me some food.
41
00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:12,100
I wonder where
the monster is.
42
00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:17,200
There's the coffin
opening now.
43
00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:27,467
You know...
44
00:03:27,501 --> 00:03:29,400
I really feel good.
45
00:03:29,434 --> 00:03:30,400
Eight hours at night,
46
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:32,200
eight hours
during the day.
47
00:03:32,801 --> 00:03:36,166
So you going to work,
coming home, what?
48
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,200
I'm never sure.
49
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:39,200
I just go where
the car takes me.
50
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:42,700
Al, what are we
gonna do tonight?
51
00:03:42,734 --> 00:03:43,800
Peg, I thought
tonight
52
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:45,366
we might do
something different.
53
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,633
You know
the newlywed couple
54
00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,800
at the end
of the block?
55
00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,700
I peeked
in their window.
56
00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:54,300
Oh, you're
so kinky, baby.
57
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,467
Peg...
58
00:03:56,501 --> 00:03:59,167
I want to do what
they were doing.
59
00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:01,233
Well, I'm game.
60
00:04:01,267 --> 00:04:02,433
What were they doing?
61
00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:04,367
They were eating!
62
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:10,667
Like everyone else
on the block.
63
00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:13,600
Like on every other block
all across the country.
64
00:04:13,634 --> 00:04:14,767
Feed me. Feed me.
65
00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:16,567
You don't have any food?
That's all right.
66
00:04:16,601 --> 00:04:19,733
Take an arm, cook it up,
pass the ketchup.
67
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,966
Just feed me.
68
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,966
You know what would
take your mind off of food?
69
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,900
Eating?
70
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,200
No, silly.
71
00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:29,667
Taking me out.
72
00:04:29,701 --> 00:04:30,934
Let's go
to the movies.
73
00:04:30,968 --> 00:04:32,900
I know one
we'd both enjoy.
74
00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:36,633
It's Shirley MacLaine,
Glenn Close, Meryl Streep
75
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:40,900
and Sally Struthers
in Woody Allen's, Oh, My Head.
76
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:44,666
Please feed me.
77
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:46,633
Get the door,
honey.
78
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:48,633
No.
79
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:52,733
It must be that pizza
I ordered for you.
80
00:04:57,133 --> 00:04:58,834
Hi, Al.
81
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,867
Well, it's flat and cheesy,
but it's no pizza.
82
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,999
Oh, pizza tonight,
huh?
83
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:14,834
Save up a few
paychecks, did we?
84
00:05:14,868 --> 00:05:18,533
Peg, it's for you.
It's Frosty the No Man.
85
00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:20,133
Now, where's my pizza?
86
00:05:20,167 --> 00:05:22,433
Oh. Honey, you couldn't
really believe
87
00:05:22,467 --> 00:05:24,733
I ordered you a pizza.
88
00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:29,366
God, you are
so funny.
89
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,633
What you doing
tonight, Peg?
90
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,266
Come on, Peg.
91
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:34,500
You really did order me
a pizza, didn't you?
92
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:38,566
Oh, of course
I did, honey.
93
00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:46,467
Well, you can see
myevening's entertainment.
94
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:47,467
What do you
got going?
95
00:05:47,501 --> 00:05:48,567
I'm going dancing.
96
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:50,233
Hey, since neither
of us has a man,
97
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,234
why don't you join me?
98
00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:56,066
Gee. I don't know.
99
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,733
You know, Peg,
the good thing about it:
100
00:05:57,767 --> 00:06:00,467
If he's more than 20 minutes
late, we get it for free.
101
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,934
Uh...
102
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,166
Dancing, you say?
103
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,667
Al, would you mind
if I went dancing with Marcie?
104
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:17,333
Peg, I don't care if you
marry her and move in with her.
105
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:19,700
Peg, did you remember
to order extra cheese?
106
00:06:19,734 --> 00:06:21,800
You know, Peg,
I love extra cheese.
107
00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:24,367
Yes, I know
you do, honey.
108
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:32,633
It's coming.
It's coming.
109
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,566
Oh, gee.
110
00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:48,633
I-- I don't know if I
should be here, Marce.
111
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:52,401
I feel guilty having fun
while Al's still alive.
112
00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:56,300
There is nothing wrong
with going out
113
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:57,800
every now and then
to a classy place
114
00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,567
for some good,
innocent fun.
115
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:02,467
Oh, boys.
116
00:07:02,501 --> 00:07:04,533
Incoming.
117
00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,133
Hey, Marcie.
118
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:09,800
You look terrific.
119
00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:14,633
Oh, look at
the desperation.
120
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:16,999
It's just everywhere.
Huh.
121
00:07:17,033 --> 00:07:19,934
Can people really be so
hard up for human contact?
122
00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:21,066
Wanna dance?
123
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,767
You bet.
124
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:26,833
Oh.
125
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:31,566
Gee.
126
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:35,200
You're so dry.
127
00:07:35,234 --> 00:07:37,266
I didn't know a man
could be so...
128
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:38,266
So dry.
Ha-ha-ha!
129
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,733
Well, I...
130
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,700
I never knew a woman
could be so red.
131
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:46,300
You know...
132
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:48,133
you dance divinely.
133
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,300
Oh, do you really
think so?
134
00:07:49,334 --> 00:07:50,966
Yeah. I just wonder
if maybe next dance
135
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,833
I could lead?
136
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:55,833
Oh.
137
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,500
Oh. Oh.
138
00:08:00,534 --> 00:08:02,333
You know, I haven't
done it in two years.
139
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,166
Oh, yeah. You haven't
danced in two years?
140
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,234
Well, I haven't danced
in 12years.
141
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:12,733
Ohh.
142
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,933
Ah.
143
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:19,099
Hmm. You know,
at first I thought
144
00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:20,433
you were just
being playful,
145
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,834
but I do believe
that's my wallet
146
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,733
you've got
in your hand.
147
00:08:27,934 --> 00:08:30,966
Oh. I'm sorry.
148
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,566
Ha-ha. Force of habit.
Heh-heh-heh.
Ah.
149
00:08:35,567 --> 00:08:37,167
So...
150
00:08:37,634 --> 00:08:39,733
where are we going?
151
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:43,401
Anywhere you want,
babe.
152
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,099
Now, I told you...
153
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,400
when you're with me,
154
00:08:46,434 --> 00:08:48,667
the world is
your oyster.
155
00:08:48,701 --> 00:08:51,533
I'm not getting
on a bus.
156
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,767
And I wanna get fed.
157
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,800
No problem.
158
00:08:58,868 --> 00:09:01,934
Dad, I need
20 bucks, fast.
159
00:09:01,968 --> 00:09:04,200
Look what I got
waiting for me.
160
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,666
She's a tramp.
161
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:21,767
I love
that cologne.
162
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:26,867
Yeah, right.
163
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:30,934
Hi, honey.
I ordered you a pizza.
164
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:33,166
Ah! No, I'm not falling
for that one.
165
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:34,633
I was at that window
so long,
166
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:37,099
the neighborhood kids thought
I was a jack-o'- lantern.
167
00:09:37,133 --> 00:09:40,099
Now feed me orfeed me
to something.
168
00:09:40,133 --> 00:09:42,934
I just want to be
part of the food chain.
169
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:44,934
Al, would you just
forget about food.
170
00:09:44,968 --> 00:09:46,600
Come dancing with me.
171
00:09:46,634 --> 00:09:47,633
It'll be fun.
172
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:49,366
You can hold me
like you used to.
173
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,600
Oh, come on, Peg.
174
00:09:50,634 --> 00:09:53,566
That was after a six-pack
and a dare.
175
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:55,900
Well, all right.
176
00:09:55,934 --> 00:09:57,900
I'll go dancing
by myself.
177
00:09:57,934 --> 00:09:59,300
But I'm
warning you.
178
00:09:59,334 --> 00:10:02,233
It's getting harder and harder
to fend off the men.
179
00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,567
Well, Peg, I trust you.
180
00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:05,934
But if you do meet another man,
you must promise me this:
181
00:10:05,968 --> 00:10:08,767
Don't feed him,
because that would really hurt.
182
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,500
You stink.
183
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:13,666
Wash my socks.
184
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,133
Dad?
185
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,867
How come you let Mom
go dancing all the time?
186
00:10:27,901 --> 00:10:30,266
Well, pumpkin, that's just
something married people do
187
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,366
now and then so they don't
have to see each other.
188
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,099
Well, every time
that Mom goes out,
189
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,500
she asks if
it's okay with you.
190
00:10:36,534 --> 00:10:38,400
It's because she
wants you to say,
191
00:10:38,434 --> 00:10:41,433
"Don't go. Stay here with me.
I love you."
192
00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:43,533
See, sometimes people
just test you
193
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:45,501
to see whether or not
you care.
194
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:48,667
Anyhow, um...
I'm going out.
195
00:10:48,701 --> 00:10:51,500
I've got a date
with three bikers.
196
00:10:51,534 --> 00:10:53,666
One of them just
got out of prison.
197
00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:55,600
I probably won't be home
198
00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:57,833
till about 3 or 4
in the morning.
199
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,267
Have a nice
time, honey.
200
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,267
Gee, I hope that wasn't
a desperate cry for help.
201
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:22,501
Oh, well.
At least I'm alone.
202
00:11:24,968 --> 00:11:27,467
Well, I hope that's
a Jehovah Witness...
203
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:33,600
wanting to discuss hours of
philosophical observation.
204
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,133
You Al Bundy?
205
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:40,333
Yes. Hold the applause.
206
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,333
What do you want?
207
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,867
I just think
you ought to know,
208
00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:45,933
that your wife has been
seeing my husband.
209
00:11:51,968 --> 00:11:54,933
Let me get this straight.
Pardon the expression.
210
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:01,533
You say that
your husband
211
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:02,966
is running around
with my wife.
212
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,066
Yes.
213
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,500
Your husband?
214
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:07,133
Yes.
215
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:10,234
You know you're
a guy, right?
216
00:12:10,634 --> 00:12:12,467
Yes.
217
00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:14,767
Well, then, we got three guys
that won't touch my wife.
218
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,666
What's the problem?
219
00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:19,233
It's Andy.
220
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:21,867
I'm afraid that he's
slipping away from me.
221
00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:24,966
You see,
before me...
222
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000
he had a woman.
223
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,900
Well, before my wife,
I had a woman too.
224
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,867
You don't understand.
This is serious.
225
00:12:34,901 --> 00:12:37,266
He's been leaving the house
every Tuesday and Thursday.
226
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,166
I trail him
in the station wagon.
227
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,133
They dance all night,
they giggle.
228
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:43,033
She dips him,
she lifts him.
229
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,567
She tosses him
around the room
230
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:46,999
like Godzilla
with a railroad car.
231
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,099
Oh, my God. What did I do
to deserve this?
232
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:52,700
Uh, easy, big fella.
Easy there.
233
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:55,700
I'm sure we can
figure out what happened.
234
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:59,000
Maybe your guy isn't getting
what he needs at home.
235
00:13:00,267 --> 00:13:01,633
Oh, no, our sex is great.
236
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:03,633
I don't want to
hear about that.
237
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:07,366
Do you cook
for him?
238
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:08,366
Every day.
239
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,433
My mother always said,
240
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:11,633
"A happy man
is a well-fed man."
241
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:15,367
And I do feed my man,
I'll tell you that.
242
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:22,800
Well...
243
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:24,066
No, yeah, yeah.
244
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,667
Uh...we'd like to know
what you make for him.
245
00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:29,333
Well, tonight,
for example,
246
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,501
I made him
a nice, juicy steak.
247
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:35,600
Mm-hm. And, uh,
what else?
248
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,834
Uh, nice baked potato.
249
00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:39,366
You made it yourself?
250
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,934
It's-- It's not the kind
where he has
251
00:13:40,968 --> 00:13:43,999
to go to the door and wait,
and the potato never comes?
252
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:45,533
Uh, no.
253
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:48,066
But that's terrible
when that happens.
254
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:49,867
Well...maybe he's
just tired
255
00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:50,867
of you sitting
at home
256
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:51,934
while he's out
working.
257
00:13:51,968 --> 00:13:53,033
No, I work.
258
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:55,433
I'm an office manager,
40 thou a year.
259
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:57,633
That bastard!
260
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:00,867
Guys like that
deserve what they get.
261
00:14:00,901 --> 00:14:01,900
He's getting your wife.
262
00:14:01,934 --> 00:14:04,467
Well, let the punishment
fit the crime.
263
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,500
I don't know.
264
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:12,200
Maybe it's my fault.
265
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:13,800
Andy's a man
about town,
266
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:15,333
whereas I just
like to stay home
267
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:16,500
and watch
a ball game.
268
00:14:16,534 --> 00:14:18,033
Wait a second.
269
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:19,800
Wait a second.
270
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,966
You-- You work,
you cook...
271
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,667
and you like
sports?
272
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:24,667
Yeah.
273
00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:25,900
Except for soccer.
274
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,666
I mean, that's not
really a man's game.
275
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,134
I love you.
276
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:47,034
You know, I just
don't understand it.
277
00:14:48,501 --> 00:14:50,966
I mean, I know that
Andy's crazy about me,
278
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,366
and yet he hasn't
made a move on me.
279
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,567
He's been
a total gentleman. Huh.
280
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:56,834
What's wrong with him?
281
00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:59,133
Oh, who cares?
282
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:02,134
You gotta see
this guy's tattoo.
283
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:04,434
It's a ship.
284
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:07,666
You should see
his sub.
285
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:14,533
You know, it's not like I wanna
do anything with Andy.
286
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:17,066
I just want to turn him on,
drive him wild,
287
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:20,000
make him sweat,
and then say no.
288
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:23,234
Just like I always meant to
in high school.
289
00:15:29,934 --> 00:15:32,533
Hiya, beautiful.
290
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,066
Oh.
291
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:41,600
So, uh, do you
find me...
292
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:43,667
beautiful?
293
00:15:43,701 --> 00:15:45,300
I think...
294
00:15:45,334 --> 00:15:46,700
you are
the most beautiful woman
295
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:47,733
I've ever known.
296
00:15:47,767 --> 00:15:48,767
Except for
my mother.
297
00:15:48,801 --> 00:15:51,367
And, of course,
Judy Garland.
298
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:58,100
Oh, Andy. You're
embarrassing me. Ha-ha-ha!
299
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:02,600
Um...I've got something
to tell you.
300
00:16:02,634 --> 00:16:05,933
I bet you do.
301
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,667
Ahh.
302
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,066
Well, I wanna
be honest with you,
303
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,834
because you've always been
honest with me, Lola.
304
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,767
Oh, Andy.
305
00:16:14,801 --> 00:16:16,934
I know what it is
that you have to say.
306
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:19,567
But before your passion
bursts into flame,
307
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:21,200
I have to tell you:
308
00:16:21,234 --> 00:16:23,999
You can't have me,
because, uh...
309
00:16:24,033 --> 00:16:26,334
I'm engaged.
310
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,999
Oh...all right.
311
00:16:30,033 --> 00:16:31,333
I'm married.
312
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:34,300
I have a confession
to make too.
313
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:35,633
I'm also married.
314
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,733
You pig.
315
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:40,200
You've got a lot of nerve
leading me on.
316
00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:41,433
I didn't mean to.
317
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,233
I just-- I just wanted
to have a good time,
318
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,733
and, you know,
get out of the house.
319
00:16:44,767 --> 00:16:46,400
Besides, just because
you're married
320
00:16:46,434 --> 00:16:47,600
doesn't mean
you're dead.
321
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:50,334
It doesn't mean
you're alive either.
322
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:55,800
Oh.
323
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:59,366
You know, the one good thing
about us both being married is,
324
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,834
it sort of takes the pressure
out of this flirtation.
Yeah.
325
00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:05,600
I mean, you don't have to
worry about turning me on,
326
00:17:05,634 --> 00:17:08,134
and I don't have to worry
about turning you on.
327
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,433
But if that
should happen,
328
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:19,733
then that's just something
you'll have to deal with.
329
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:36,099
Oh, I like to see a man
enjoying his food.
330
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:37,099
Mmm-um.
331
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:38,867
Want some cake?
332
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:44,966
Hey...
333
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,834
it's warm.
334
00:17:46,868 --> 00:17:48,700
Yeah. I just baked it.
335
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,366
I'm sorry about
using a dog dish,
336
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:51,800
but you have no plates.
337
00:17:51,834 --> 00:17:53,366
That's okay.
338
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,966
See?
339
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,434
It says my name
on the side.
340
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:05,099
What are you sitting
all the way over there for?
341
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:06,666
Come
over here.
342
00:18:09,601 --> 00:18:11,266
Mmm. Mmm.
343
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:12,999
Mm.
344
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:14,934
Al, you gotta help me.
345
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:16,800
I want my husband back.
346
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,501
Isn't there any way
you can talk to him?
347
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:23,833
Hm, uh, I don't know, Pete.
What about us?
348
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,333
Won't that interfere
with our quality time?
349
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,966
No. No, no, Al.
I'll make time.
350
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,700
I'll make time for you.
351
00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:34,300
We'll go to
a ball game.
352
00:18:34,334 --> 00:18:36,033
I'll make us
a picnic basket...
353
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,934
with crispy
fried chicken.
354
00:18:37,968 --> 00:18:40,366
Huh?
355
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,567
Huh?
356
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:44,233
I'll even get you
your very own bowl.
357
00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:46,266
My own dog bowl?
358
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:47,934
With just
my name on it?
359
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:49,667
It sounds too good
to be true, but--
360
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,533
You're not just saying that,
are you, Pete?
361
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,999
I'm not
a food tease, Al.
362
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,366
I'll fry for you,
363
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,800
if you can
get my man back.
364
00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:00,099
I'll do it.
365
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:01,967
To you, Al.
366
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,334
To us.
367
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:08,433
A shoe salesman?
368
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:11,733
Come on. Nobody's
a shoe salesman.
369
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:15,433
Well, he thought he'd
start at the bottom
370
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,000
and stay there.
371
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:19,600
Ah.
372
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:24,900
Oh, my God,
it's Al.
373
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:26,800
I'm out of here.
No, you're not.
374
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,066
Hold me tight.
375
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,133
Maybe he'll get jealous
376
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:30,700
and finally show me
some attention.
377
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:31,867
No. He's awfully big.
378
00:19:31,901 --> 00:19:33,166
Yes, and he's tough too.
379
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,666
But don't worry,
I won't let him hurt you.
380
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:38,366
How dare you.
381
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,533
Oh, Al.
382
00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:41,999
I'm so glad
you're here.
383
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:44,200
The things
he wanted me to do.
384
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,501
Kick a hole
in him, honey.
385
00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:49,633
Is your name Andy?
386
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:50,633
Yes, sir.
387
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,200
Get over there!
388
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,767
Ooh, Marcie.
389
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:56,700
Al's gonna kick the hell
out of Andy.
390
00:19:57,501 --> 00:19:59,200
He does care.
391
00:19:59,234 --> 00:20:02,134
Look, I don't care what
you're doing with my wife.
392
00:20:03,801 --> 00:20:05,233
But you got
a good man at home
393
00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:08,100
that any man would be
proud to call his wife.
394
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,633
He cooks, he cleans,
he works.
395
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:12,934
You've obviously
gotten over
396
00:20:12,968 --> 00:20:15,367
that little
"he's a man" thing.
397
00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:18,533
So, what else do you want
from the poor guy?
398
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:19,600
Oh, Marcie.
399
00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:22,233
Al's so cute
when he's jealous.
400
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:24,400
Now, I'm the one that
ought to be going out at night.
401
00:20:24,434 --> 00:20:26,433
I'm married to that
over there.
402
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:28,999
But you... You ought to be
home with a man
403
00:20:29,033 --> 00:20:32,100
who can bake a potato
like nobody's business.
404
00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:35,334
You had Pete's potato?
405
00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:40,266
I did.
406
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,066
And I would have had
his peach cobbler too,
407
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:44,566
if the damn dog didn't come
get his bowl back.
408
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:46,867
Now you go home
and tell
409
00:20:46,901 --> 00:20:48,666
your wife that
you love him.
410
00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:50,667
You're right, Al.
411
00:20:50,701 --> 00:20:52,233
And if you don't mind
my saying so,
412
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,999
you should go tell
your wife you love her.
413
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:56,467
Mind your own business.
Sorry.
414
00:20:57,868 --> 00:20:59,099
Well...
415
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,966
guess I've got a wife
to go talk to.
416
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,733
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
417
00:21:13,467 --> 00:21:16,834
Well...Mr. I-Don't-Care-
What-You-Do.
418
00:21:16,868 --> 00:21:18,467
Paint you green.
419
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:19,800
You were jealous.
420
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:21,834
Uh, I was not jealous.
421
00:21:21,868 --> 00:21:23,066
Was too.
422
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:24,333
Admit you care.
423
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,800
Oh...
424
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:27,567
Would that make you happy?
425
00:21:27,601 --> 00:21:29,333
Yes.
426
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:32,633
Uh. I care.
427
00:21:33,434 --> 00:21:34,700
I'm not convinced.
428
00:21:34,734 --> 00:21:37,367
That's because
I don't care.
429
00:21:37,834 --> 00:21:38,867
Come and dance
with me.
430
00:21:38,901 --> 00:21:40,400
Oh, I care,
I care.
431
00:21:40,434 --> 00:21:43,234
Too late. Too late.
432
00:21:47,634 --> 00:21:50,200
Gee, Andy was real
good-looking, huh?
433
00:21:50,234 --> 00:21:54,099
I'm trying to
count here, Peg.
434
00:21:54,133 --> 00:21:56,333
You know, this ought to be
a lesson to you, Al.
435
00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:59,033
If you don't want me,
there's plenty of guys that do.
436
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:00,767
Right, Peg.
437
00:22:01,434 --> 00:22:03,767
You should have seen
the way he looked at me.
438
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:06,333
He wanted me bad.
439
00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:08,700
Mm. Everybody wants
you bad, Peg.
440
00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:10,934
Every one of us.
441
00:22:10,968 --> 00:22:13,934
Oh, admit you're lucky
to have me as your wife.
442
00:22:13,968 --> 00:22:15,633
I could've had anyone.
443
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,867
I could've had Andy at
the snap of a finger. Heh-heh.
444
00:22:18,901 --> 00:22:22,033
He was sexy.
He was hot.
445
00:22:22,067 --> 00:22:23,567
He was...
446
00:22:23,601 --> 00:22:26,434
He was a homo,
Peg.1
00:01:16,801 --> 00:01:18,066
Marry me, Cherise.
2
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:19,999
You're the only one
for me.
3
00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:22,333
But, Blair, you said that
to the twins,
4
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:23,834
who are secretly
your daughters,
5
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:27,733
who you fathered
when you were in that coma.
6
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,834
You can't really have children
with a man in a coma,
7
00:01:29,868 --> 00:01:31,667
can you, Mom?
8
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:38,733
I think there have been
two recorded cases.
9
00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:41,900
I'm home, and I'm feeling foul.
10
00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:44,266
So let's have
a parting of the butts
11
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:46,401
so I can sit down.
12
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:51,467
Is the fun always over
when Daddy comes home, Mom?
13
00:01:51,501 --> 00:01:52,900
Well, it's just
suspended now.
14
00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:56,066
It's not officially over
till he takes off his shoes.
15
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:59,266
Kelly, honey, I know
you're a high school graduate,
16
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:00,934
but you may be unaware
of a new law.
17
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:03,066
Since 1989,
18
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:07,200
the government only permits
one human lump per family.
19
00:02:07,234 --> 00:02:09,200
So I'm afraid
the time has come
20
00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:11,700
for you to get a job.
21
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:13,400
Oh, no, Daddy,
you're wrong.
22
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,300
Mommy says that I don't
have to do anything.
23
00:02:15,334 --> 00:02:18,467
I'm a girl.
24
00:02:18,501 --> 00:02:22,066
Sweetheart, your mother is
the last of a vanishing breed:
25
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:25,233
the tyrannosaurus-
do-nothingnus.
26
00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:27,233
But there's still
hope for you, honey.
27
00:02:27,267 --> 00:02:29,133
You can still
get up off a couch
28
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,167
without it making
a suction noise.
29
00:02:33,534 --> 00:02:36,366
So join with Daddy,
won't you, please,
30
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,167
in actually earning
a living.
31
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:40,533
But, honey,
32
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,033
for Daddy's ego,
33
00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:44,966
try not to bring home
more money than he does.
34
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,500
So I'd say,
try returning pop bottles.
35
00:02:48,534 --> 00:02:49,999
But stop at 10.
36
00:02:50,033 --> 00:02:53,200
They're two cents apiece,
you know.
37
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:54,467
"Oh, gee, Your Honor,
38
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:58,234
I don't know where that shotgun
came from."
39
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:01,266
Now, Kelly, honey,
40
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:02,867
you're getting
old enough to know now
41
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:05,700
that you can't go on
mooching off society forever.
42
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:07,934
So go over
to Marcie's house,
43
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,567
steal her newspaper
44
00:03:09,601 --> 00:03:12,001
and bring back the section
with the want ads.
45
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,366
Al,
46
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,333
did you really mean
what you said about me?
47
00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,066
You really think
I do nothing?
48
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:20,733
Peg, if you did any less
around here,
49
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,834
it would be called
"haunting."
50
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,133
Well, then you have
a pretty short memory.
51
00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:29,967
It's me who brass-knuckles
your underwear into that hamper.
52
00:03:31,434 --> 00:03:33,300
And who invented
the broomstick
53
00:03:33,334 --> 00:03:34,800
with the piece of gum
on the end of it
54
00:03:34,834 --> 00:03:37,066
to pick up your socks?
55
00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,934
I believe it was I.
56
00:03:39,968 --> 00:03:42,200
Now, I do plenty around here.
57
00:03:42,234 --> 00:03:43,867
I want an apology,
58
00:03:43,901 --> 00:03:45,867
and I want appreciation.
59
00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:47,767
Until I get some,
60
00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,533
I, Peggy Bundy,
61
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:52,633
am officially on strike.
62
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,633
Look, Daddy,
63
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:59,200
I found a job.
Listen.
64
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:00,966
"Pretty girls needed.
65
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:01,966
"No skills.
66
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,467
"No talent.
67
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:06,300
"No experience.
68
00:04:06,334 --> 00:04:07,934
No redding."
69
00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:12,867
That's "reading,"
honey.
70
00:04:13,634 --> 00:04:15,033
No reading?
71
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:18,467
Where are they gonna
find anyone that stupid?
72
00:04:18,501 --> 00:04:19,633
No, but look.
73
00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:21,033
"Four hundred dollars
a month."
74
00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:23,200
Now, that should help out
the family, eh, Daddy?
75
00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:24,834
Well, uh, sweetheart...
76
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:27,633
Dear, this is an ad
for a modeling school.
77
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:31,368
See, I'd have to pay
$400 a month.
78
00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:33,999
So, what's the problem?
79
00:04:34,033 --> 00:04:37,500
Can you describe the difference
between paying and earning?
80
00:04:37,534 --> 00:04:39,934
What am I asking you for?
Of course you can't.
81
00:04:40,634 --> 00:04:42,700
Oh, come on, Daddy,
I wanna be a model.
82
00:04:42,734 --> 00:04:44,500
Hey, maybe I can get
one of those neat jobs
83
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,767
standing in a store window.
84
00:04:50,033 --> 00:04:51,900
Peg, you wanna
take this one?
85
00:04:51,934 --> 00:04:54,567
You wanna get down
on your hands and knees
86
00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:57,167
and admit
I'm everything to you?
87
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:02,999
Kelly, I'm not paying
$400 a month
88
00:05:03,033 --> 00:05:05,867
so you can walk around
with a book on your head.
89
00:05:07,234 --> 00:05:08,966
Hey, go ahead,
pout all you want.
90
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,967
It's not going to work.
91
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:20,234
I am a model.
92
00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:26,600
I'm not cooking tonight,
you know.
93
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:28,066
Uh-oh.
94
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:31,034
Then I guess I'll just
have to live on love.
95
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:34,934
Not with me.
I'm on strike.
96
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,133
Oh, no.
97
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:39,167
Then I guess
I'll just have to live.
98
00:05:39,968 --> 00:05:41,099
Look, Daddy.
99
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:44,234
And you thought that
your $400 was wasted.
100
00:05:46,634 --> 00:05:48,066
I'm okay, Daddy.
101
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,266
Sure you are,
sweetheart.
102
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:53,133
Honey, now, go sit
over there.
103
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:54,867
Sit down, dear.
104
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,468
I am a model.
105
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:06,200
Good, sweetheart.
106
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:09,066
But, honey,
you have been a model
107
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:10,800
for two weeks now.
108
00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:12,633
You know,
if the telephone rings,
109
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,533
I'm not gettin' it.
110
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,700
Well, darn, if I miss another
dinner with the Trumps
111
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:19,368
because of you, I'm gonna
take it out on the help.
112
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:23,733
Honey, this modeling thing
isn't working out.
113
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:25,467
But-- But I have an idea.
114
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:26,934
Why don't you take
the skills
115
00:06:26,968 --> 00:06:28,867
you've acquired
at modeling school
116
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:31,099
and get an important job.
117
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:34,600
One where you meet the public
and serve them French fries.
118
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:38,433
But, Daddy,
I can't stop now.
119
00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:40,400
Modeling is in my blood.
120
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,166
I mean, even my teacher said
121
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,166
that I am a natural-born
leg crosser.
122
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,700
Watch.
123
00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,233
I can do it at will.
124
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:53,800
What?
125
00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:55,333
Okay, Kel,
126
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:56,733
I did what you asked.
127
00:06:56,767 --> 00:06:58,900
I put all your Garfield cartoons
on cassette tape
128
00:06:58,934 --> 00:07:01,099
so you can listen to them
in the car.
129
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:03,134
Now can I meet
the modeling babes?
130
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:04,733
Isn't he pathetic?
131
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,733
Yeah, right. But don't
worry about him. Honey,
132
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:09,700
have you seen anything
down there Daddy might like?
133
00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:13,633
Yeah.
134
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,999
You know, maybe there's a job
for a runway model
135
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:17,867
with dirty underwear.
136
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:21,133
"And now, here's Al,
137
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:23,233
"looking frisky for fall
138
00:07:23,267 --> 00:07:26,633
"in his stained boxer shorts
139
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:30,267
"and matching
yellowing T-shirt.
140
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:32,934
"Oh, note the holes,
141
00:07:32,968 --> 00:07:36,834
"new this season,
for easy-access scratchin'.
142
00:07:37,901 --> 00:07:41,200
"Oh, thank you, Al.
143
00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:44,133
"Oh, and walking behind him,
144
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:47,201
"his socks.
145
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,633
"Resplendent
146
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:52,667
"in their
no-toe-or-heel look.
147
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,633
Thanks again, Al."
148
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:05,133
"Gee, officer, if I thought
my wife was missing,
149
00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:07,533
would I be in this bar,
drinking a beer?"
150
00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,533
Come on, Kel.
151
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:13,834
I'll do anything.
152
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,099
Well, actually,
you could help me study
153
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:18,099
for this job audition
at the auto show.
154
00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:20,234
Can you be a car?
155
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,233
Then will I get to meet
the babes?
156
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:25,334
Pretty ones
as dumb as you?
157
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:26,867
Dumber.
158
00:08:26,901 --> 00:08:29,266
Oh, man.
159
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,767
What kind of car am I?
160
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,134
A 280 Zit.
161
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,834
They better be mighty dumb,
Kel.
162
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:40,999
Okay, now,
163
00:08:41,033 --> 00:08:43,099
you just stand here
and "car."
164
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:44,333
Now, my job is to come up
165
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:45,934
with an interesting
and exciting way
166
00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:47,966
to introduce
the new Allant.
167
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,066
You ready?
168
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,400
Ready.
Okay.
169
00:08:50,434 --> 00:08:52,567
The new-- No.
170
00:08:52,868 --> 00:08:54,966
The new-- No.
171
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,034
The new...
172
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:06,500
Four hundred bucks.
173
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:08,567
Wait, I'm getting an idea.
I'm getting an idea.
174
00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:10,434
How 'bout this?
175
00:09:10,934 --> 00:09:13,467
The new...
176
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:15,366
Oh, what's the name
of the stupid car?
177
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,767
Kelly, why don't you just
write it on your hand
178
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:20,166
like you do your name.
179
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,066
No, wait.
180
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:25,101
Topeka, I have found it!
181
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:32,767
I-- I don't think
you mean Topeka, Kel.
182
00:09:32,801 --> 00:09:34,266
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I meant...
183
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,001
urethra!
184
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,667
How 'bout this?
185
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:48,301
The new Allant.
186
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:50,834
What do you think?
What do you think?
187
00:09:50,868 --> 00:09:53,368
I think you got it.
188
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:54,999
I know I've got it.
189
00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:56,800
I shall be the Allant girl,
190
00:09:56,834 --> 00:10:00,167
for I have invented
"the Bundy bounce."
191
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,733
Allant.
192
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:08,333
Allant.
Allant.
193
00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,700
Allant.
Allant.
194
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:13,200
Allant.
Allant.
195
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:15,900
Allant.
Allant.
196
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,533
Allant.
197
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:19,834
Wow!
198
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:22,099
I feel like I died
and went to Dad's happy box
199
00:10:22,133 --> 00:10:24,401
in the basement.
200
00:10:25,868 --> 00:10:28,700
I beg of you,
Pep Le Pew.
201
00:10:28,734 --> 00:10:31,400
Control your urges
and your scent, okay?
202
00:10:31,434 --> 00:10:33,366
I'm gonna go practice
my Allants.
203
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,233
Okay. I'm just gonna
wander around and...
204
00:10:36,267 --> 00:10:38,134
see what's bitin'.
205
00:10:40,734 --> 00:10:43,800
I do believe
I sees my supper.
206
00:10:46,868 --> 00:10:48,600
Hello.
207
00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:53,767
I know you models are always
watching your weight.
208
00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:56,167
Care for a "Bud light"?
209
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:07,166
I'm sorry, but I think
you've mistaken me
210
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:11,034
for someone who would speak
to someone like you.
211
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,900
Stee-rike one.
212
00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:19,201
Ooh.
213
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:24,934
Need some help?
214
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:29,967
One good turn
deserves another.
215
00:11:33,501 --> 00:11:36,167
Stee-rike two.
216
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,201
Allantum. No.
217
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:41,600
Allantos.
218
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:42,633
No.
219
00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:44,401
Aluminum.
220
00:11:45,534 --> 00:11:46,900
Kelly.
221
00:11:46,934 --> 00:11:48,233
No.
222
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:51,034
Allant.
223
00:11:51,701 --> 00:11:52,767
Hi, Kelly.
224
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:54,200
Been practicing?
225
00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:55,900
Nope, don't need to.
226
00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:58,166
I'm slam-dunking
this baby.
227
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,834
You seem pretty confident
for someone
228
00:11:59,868 --> 00:12:03,301
who got tension headaches
during smiling class.
229
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,500
So, what are you doing
for your audition?
230
00:12:09,334 --> 00:12:12,099
Well, I come after you,
231
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:13,333
so I guess
I'll have to wait
232
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,667
till the curly tail
disappears.
233
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:18,767
Oh, then, of course,
234
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:22,200
after the cries
of "sooey" die down,
235
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:25,334
I'll do my best to follow
in your hoofprints.
236
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,667
Slut.
237
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:34,633
Skank.
238
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,767
Tramp.
239
00:12:36,801 --> 00:12:39,434
Can't accessorize.
240
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,700
That hurt.
241
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:47,101
With you?
242
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,234
Foul tip.
243
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,166
Excuse me.
244
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:58,567
I couldn't help
but noticing you
245
00:12:58,601 --> 00:13:01,267
undressing me
with your eyes.
246
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,600
How'd you like
to hear my recipe
247
00:13:03,634 --> 00:13:06,500
for a love cocktail?
248
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,467
One cup of you,
two cups of me,
249
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:11,067
put it to boil,
and serve while hot.
250
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,733
Look, I'll let you
touch my hair
251
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:17,333
if you go away
and leave me alone.
252
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,233
I have to audition.
253
00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:20,900
You're wasting
your time, babe.
254
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,966
My sister's got it locked.
255
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,433
Who's your sister?
256
00:13:24,467 --> 00:13:25,567
Kelly.
257
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:28,333
Anyhow, what do you say to
"you and me
258
00:13:28,367 --> 00:13:31,500
and one of your friends
makes three"?
259
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:35,800
What exactly
is Kelly doing?
260
00:13:35,834 --> 00:13:38,267
She told me not
to tell anybody.
261
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,533
Not even me?
262
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:43,334
No one.
263
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:46,033
Not even...
264
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,800
me?
265
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:52,101
It's called "the Bundy bounce,"
and it goes like this:
266
00:13:52,868 --> 00:13:55,066
The new...
267
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,134
Allant.
268
00:13:57,801 --> 00:14:00,233
Thanks. That's all
I needed to know.
269
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:02,967
Wait, y-you said I could
touch your hair.
270
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,433
Allant.
Okay, everybody.
271
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,934
Ladies, attention.
272
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,834
Attention, ladies.
273
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:16,834
The client is here.
274
00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:19,300
Let's show him
what we can do, all right?
275
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:23,001
First up,
Rochelle Alpert.
276
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,133
The new Alpert.
277
00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:31,900
Oops. That's my name.
278
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:34,600
Allant.
Allant.
279
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,468
Very good.
Very good, Rochelle.
280
00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:42,633
Incense Berkowitz.
281
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:48,567
That's Incense Berkowitz.
282
00:14:48,601 --> 00:14:50,700
Next.
283
00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:55,767
Piper Bauman.
284
00:14:56,501 --> 00:14:59,734
Gosh, I'm so nervous.
285
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:03,434
Well, then perhaps you
should've worn underwear.
286
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:09,167
Just do the best you can,
sweetheart.
287
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,167
The new Allant.
288
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:18,567
Thank you.
I call it "the Bauman bounce."
289
00:15:18,601 --> 00:15:21,266
She stole my bounce.
290
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:24,166
Gee, how could that
have happened?
291
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,700
Excellent,
excellent.
292
00:15:25,734 --> 00:15:29,334
And now, as if there was
any need, Kelly Bundy.
293
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:38,401
The new...
294
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,867
Allant.
295
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:45,034
That was my bounce.
296
00:15:45,601 --> 00:15:46,834
Ah.
297
00:15:46,868 --> 00:15:49,066
Don't do anything, huh?
298
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,733
Well, we'll see.
299
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:54,034
I'll break him.
I'll break him.
300
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:56,467
How about you, boy?
301
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:59,500
Mommy does things
for you, doesn't she?
302
00:15:59,534 --> 00:16:01,467
You're not my mommy.
303
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:04,567
My mother has six nipples
and would lick my belly.
304
00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:10,934
You're the only one
who understands.
305
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:15,700
Hey, Peg.
306
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,166
You still on strike?
307
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,099
What does it look like?
308
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:22,867
You could be on fire
and I wouldn't know.
309
00:16:22,901 --> 00:16:25,200
This has been the best
two weeks of my life.
310
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,900
You know, the uncertainty
is gone.
311
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:29,467
Accepting your utter uselessness
has freed me.
312
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:31,166
Since I've been
taking care of myself,
313
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,567
the food's better,
the conversation is better,
314
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:36,800
and-- And without sex,
my hair's comin' back.
315
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,867
It's not coming back, honey.
316
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:45,999
It's just growing up
out of your nose.
317
00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:47,433
Ah, Peg.
318
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:48,999
Would it really
make you feel better
319
00:16:49,033 --> 00:16:50,366
if I told you I needed you?
320
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,034
Yes, it would.
321
00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:01,800
Well, I don't.
322
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:03,600
I got my food.
Got my drink.
323
00:17:03,634 --> 00:17:06,233
In a few minutes,
I got my ball game.
324
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,934
Uh-oh.
325
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:09,333
Remote.
326
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:10,333
Peg?
327
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:12,800
Yes, sweetheart?
328
00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:15,166
Ball game's coming on
in a few minutes.
329
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,333
Where's the remote control?
330
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:19,867
You mean
your shootin' iron?
331
00:17:19,901 --> 00:17:22,266
Your magic wand?
332
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:25,001
The only way you
could turn anything on?
333
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:27,633
Yes.
334
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,033
Have you seen it?
335
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:32,867
Well, you know, sweetheart, yes,
as a matter of fact, I have.
336
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:34,767
And I would love to tell you
where it is,
337
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,533
but, gee, I can't.
338
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,767
I'm on strike.
339
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,867
Fine. Don't need it.
340
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:45,001
I'll watch TV without it.
341
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:47,533
There, game's on.
342
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,533
We'll be back with the kickoff
after these messages.
343
00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,667
Mm.
344
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,500
We'll be back
with the second half
345
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:00,567
after these messages.
346
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,200
I'm an active gal.
347
00:18:02,234 --> 00:18:05,034
And as such,
I need maximum protection.
348
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,867
It's fine.
I don't need it.
349
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:13,400
I'm happy.
350
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:15,401
I have everything else.
351
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,533
I don't need TV.
352
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:26,867
How long has it been?
353
00:18:26,901 --> 00:18:28,567
It's been 10 seconds.
354
00:18:28,601 --> 00:18:30,567
All right, Peg. I give up.
355
00:18:30,601 --> 00:18:32,600
I'll do anything.
356
00:18:32,634 --> 00:18:35,101
Give me what I need,
baby!
357
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:40,366
Give me
my remote control!
358
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,600
And what will Daddy
give Mommy?
359
00:18:43,634 --> 00:18:45,433
Well, I already told you
I needed you.
360
00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:47,167
What else do you want?
361
00:18:48,267 --> 00:18:50,267
Aagh! No!
362
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,867
Oh, Peg, it's light out,
for God's sake.
363
00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:57,667
We'll be able to see each other!
You know I hate that!
364
00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:59,133
But, honey,
365
00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:00,999
we wouldn't want anything
to happen
366
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:03,166
to your remote control,
would we?
367
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,900
Okay, honey.
Just a quickie, okay?
368
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:08,633
No. I want the full
minute and a half.
369
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:10,266
But, Peg--
Peg.
370
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,233
And I want
the shoes off.
371
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:14,533
Oh, God!
372
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:21,133
How could she know
about "the Bundy bounce"?
373
00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:23,366
I mean, the only one who knew
besides me was you.
374
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,368
How could she find out?
375
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:32,266
Well, we may as well face it.
376
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:35,301
We may never be able
to piece this thing together.
377
00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:41,200
Hi, kids.
378
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:44,099
Did you know your father
is hanging from the window,
379
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:47,033
butt bare to the world,
screaming for help?
380
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:49,099
That's okay.
Mom's with him.
381
00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:50,600
Well, if you'll excuse me,
382
00:19:50,634 --> 00:19:53,166
someone stole an idea from me
and cost me a modeling job.
383
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,733
So I'm going to handle this
384
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:57,201
the only way that us Bundys
know how.
385
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,001
With swift
and blinding violence.
386
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,266
No, no. Now, wait a minute,
young lady.
387
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,400
If you've got a problem
388
00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:07,066
you think you can solve
with violence,
389
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,133
don't you think you should
talk to your parents?
390
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:10,934
You can run,
391
00:20:10,968 --> 00:20:13,467
but you can't hide!
392
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:15,700
Oh, Peg! Oh, no!
393
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,867
Could I perhaps help
in any way?
394
00:20:18,901 --> 00:20:21,700
Well, you could wait outside
with the engine running.
395
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:23,266
No, Kelly,
396
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,800
haven't you ever
heard the phrase,
397
00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:26,400
"You can catch more
flies with honey
398
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,733
than you can
with vinegar"?
399
00:20:27,767 --> 00:20:29,033
But if you pull their wings off,
400
00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:30,834
they'll eat whatever
you give them. Bye.
401
00:20:30,868 --> 00:20:32,033
No, Kelly, wait.
402
00:20:32,067 --> 00:20:33,533
Let me put this another way.
403
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:36,133
You're a woman now,
not a child.
404
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:39,300
You should solve your problems
in the mature, sophisticated way
405
00:20:39,334 --> 00:20:40,333
of the adult.
406
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:43,434
Call 911!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
407
00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:53,900
And if your parents
were adults
408
00:20:53,934 --> 00:20:56,066
instead of stick figures,
409
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:58,099
I'm sure they would agree
with me.
410
00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:00,400
So my advice to you
would be to go this person,
411
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:02,700
and appeal to her
sense of fairness.
412
00:21:02,734 --> 00:21:04,467
Explain how much
she hurt you.
413
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:08,133
And she'll respond
to your maturity with maturity.
414
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:10,033
For women, unlike men,
415
00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:12,099
have the capacity to feel.
416
00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:13,834
We talk things out.
417
00:21:13,868 --> 00:21:16,033
And when you tell her
a cheater never wins
418
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:18,934
and a winner never cheats,
she'll give you that job back.
419
00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:25,366
And now, the car of tomorrow.
420
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:29,034
The new Allant.
421
00:21:35,734 --> 00:21:38,967
Now, please follow me
to our next exhibit.
422
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,066
Thank you so much.
423
00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:43,366
Well, congratulations,
Miss Bundy.
424
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,600
But, uh, what happened
to Miss Bauman?
425
00:21:45,634 --> 00:21:46,800
Oh, stage fight.
426
00:21:46,834 --> 00:21:48,633
I mean, uh, fright.
427
00:21:49,667 --> 00:21:50,966
Well,
congratulations.
428
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,267
Thank you.
429
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:54,966
Oh, Bud...
430
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,567
I came. I saw. I bounced.
431
00:21:58,534 --> 00:21:59,999
Today, the Allant girl.
432
00:22:00,033 --> 00:22:03,600
Tomorrow,
slut in a Bon Jovi video.
433
00:22:06,067 --> 00:22:08,266
Reach for those stars,
eh, Kel?
434
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:09,733
You should feel
pretty proud too.
435
00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:11,433
You didn't even
have to read your hand.
436
00:22:11,467 --> 00:22:13,733
Yeah, but now is a time
I have to read my hand
437
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:15,867
'cause I wrote myself
a little note.
438
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:18,567
It says,
"The one who..."
439
00:22:18,601 --> 00:22:20,266
Oh, what's that word?
440
00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:23,633
"Told about 'the Bundy bounce'
was...
441
00:22:23,667 --> 00:22:25,301
See other hand."1
00:01:15,734 --> 00:01:18,133
Yeah, well,
I'm not goin'.
2
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:19,300
Me neither.
3
00:01:19,334 --> 00:01:21,867
Daddy doesn't like me
driving his car.
4
00:01:21,901 --> 00:01:24,233
Well,
I'm not going.
5
00:01:24,267 --> 00:01:27,333
He's your husband.
You should pick him up.
6
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,366
Kids, we have been arguing
like this
7
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,767
ever since your father called
and said he had a bad fall
8
00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:34,134
and hurt his head.
9
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:38,001
Now, one of us
has gotta go get him.
10
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:42,867
Any volunteers?
11
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,934
Well, I can wait
as long as you can.
12
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:00,433
Hi, honey.
13
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:03,600
We were just deciding who was
gonna go and pick you up.
14
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:06,800
Why didn't you use the method
you used on our wedding day?
15
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:09,300
You know, have a couple
of uncles baseball-bat my knees,
16
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:11,600
throw me in the trunk
of the car.
17
00:02:12,968 --> 00:02:14,966
Or were they stuck
in Wanker County,
18
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,567
where, as Einstein would put it,
everyone's relative?
19
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,166
You kids see why I didn't
wanna pick him up?
20
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,333
How was I injured,
you ask?
21
00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:27,867
Well, there I was,
22
00:02:27,901 --> 00:02:29,767
sloshing through
the mall's wishing pond,
23
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:32,001
looking for change.
24
00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:36,001
I spotted a quarter
way far out.
25
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:40,467
Why can't they just make a wish
and drop the quarter, huh?
26
00:02:40,501 --> 00:02:44,467
Why do they gotta whip it
way out there?
27
00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:46,999
Well, I guess they think
that dreams really come true
28
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:50,134
the closer you get
to the drain.
29
00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:51,934
Anyhow,
30
00:02:51,968 --> 00:02:54,233
this quarter was
just within my reach,
31
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:58,266
when I slipped
on some wishing pond slime
32
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,834
and took a header
right into the granite statue
33
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,867
of the goddess of the malls.
34
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,301
Half-offeus.
35
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:14,201
Kids, you almost lost
your daddy.
36
00:03:14,701 --> 00:03:17,368
Well,
did you get the quarter?
37
00:03:17,868 --> 00:03:19,266
No.
38
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,900
It was a pull-tab
from a beer can.
39
00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:24,133
Poor Al.
40
00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:27,366
After such a trying night,
you must be hungry.
41
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,366
Yes, Peg, I am hungry.
42
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,401
Very hungry.
43
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,667
Well, good night.
44
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:40,967
Good night,
sweetheart.
45
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:51,468
Peg.
46
00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:53,500
Peg.
47
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,966
Peg, I can't sleep.
48
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,099
I keep thinking of
all those dimes and nickels
49
00:03:58,133 --> 00:04:01,667
that I passed over
to get to that beer tab.
50
00:04:01,701 --> 00:04:03,567
It's so typical
of my life.
51
00:04:03,601 --> 00:04:06,867
I was just this close
to that quarter.
52
00:04:06,901 --> 00:04:08,533
God, my head hurts.
53
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,533
Well, honey, maybe next time
you'll wear a helmet
54
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:14,066
before you go a-coinin'.
55
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,067
Now, good night.
56
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:19,233
You know, uh,
what would feel good?
57
00:04:19,267 --> 00:04:21,133
A nice ice pack.
58
00:04:21,167 --> 00:04:22,767
Al,
59
00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,667
you always do this.
60
00:04:24,701 --> 00:04:26,366
You get the slightest
little injury,
61
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,099
and you get all whiny.
62
00:04:29,133 --> 00:04:31,600
You know, like last summer when
you were changing the tires
63
00:04:31,634 --> 00:04:33,767
and the car fell on you?
64
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:37,800
Boy, I really got a lot of sleep
that night.
65
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:42,101
"I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs."
66
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:49,834
You are such
a baby sometimes.
67
00:04:49,868 --> 00:04:51,366
Now, just go to sleep.
68
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,034
Some of us feel okay.
69
00:04:58,334 --> 00:05:01,800
Oh, I can't sleep, honey.
Rub my tushy.
70
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:25,067
Yep,
once a mighty athlete.
71
00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:34,800
Oh, Peg, look.
Look.
72
00:05:38,234 --> 00:05:39,867
There's nothing
there, Al.
73
00:05:39,901 --> 00:05:42,201
Now, go to sleep.
74
00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,200
Peg! Peg!
75
00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:31,667
Peg...
76
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,834
three little green aliens
came in here,
77
00:06:33,868 --> 00:06:34,934
and they--
78
00:06:34,968 --> 00:06:37,734
They stole my sock.
79
00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:43,734
Honey, were they green before
or after they touched your sock?
80
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:49,700
No, Peg. They stole my sock.
It really happened.
81
00:06:49,734 --> 00:06:53,999
Oh, Al, sweetheart,
you banged your head tonight.
82
00:06:54,033 --> 00:06:56,300
You are having
an hallucination.
83
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:58,300
You were probably
seriously hurt
84
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,567
and need medical attention.
85
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:03,101
Now, go to sleep.
86
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:23,633
Ooh, baby!
87
00:07:26,801 --> 00:07:30,834
Well, one of us
has got to go get
Daddy at the doctor.
88
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,900
Don't look at me.
I didn't marry him.
89
00:07:35,434 --> 00:07:38,267
Well, I barely
know the man.
90
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:40,266
Oh, hi, honey.
91
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,999
We were just deciding
who was gonna go--
92
00:07:42,033 --> 00:07:45,067
Well, don't bother.
I'm home.
93
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,633
You know, it's funny.
94
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,133
After a couple hours,
95
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,733
I realized you weren't
gonna pick me up,
96
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:54,066
so I thought, well, you know,
I'm dizzy and my head hurts.
97
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,667
What better time
to take the bus.
98
00:07:57,601 --> 00:07:59,633
So after five transfers
99
00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:02,066
and a quick jaunt
through gang country,
100
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:04,500
where, uh--
Where we stopped briefly
101
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:08,099
so all the white males
could be singled out and beaten,
102
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:09,934
I'm home at last.
103
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:12,700
Did you bring us
a TV Guide?
104
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:17,033
Yeah!
Gimme.
105
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:20,099
What did the doctor say,
you ask?
106
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,266
Well, don't worry.
107
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,166
Though it looks bad
and might have killed me,
108
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,099
it's just a painful,
nasty bruise.
109
00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:28,500
Anybody, uh--
Anybody like to see it?
110
00:08:28,534 --> 00:08:29,700
"Cheers & Jeers."
111
00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:32,034
Do the crossword.
112
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:36,334
Anybody call?
113
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,099
Yeah.
114
00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:41,733
The Loch Ness monster
and Bigfoot
115
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:44,700
wanted to know if you were still
on for poker tomorrow night
116
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:47,468
over at Darth Vader's house.
117
00:08:48,634 --> 00:08:51,134
The, uh-- The Klingons
are bringing the chips.
118
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,600
Thank you, Peg.
119
00:08:56,634 --> 00:09:00,368
Must you tell them everything
that goes on in the bedroom?
120
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,800
One thing happens
in five years,
121
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:06,834
and I'm not supposed
to talk about it?
122
00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:11,266
Honey, Cop Rock's on tonight,
so we're going to the movies.
123
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:14,001
Come on, kids.
124
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,133
We're just gonna go
pick up Marcie.
125
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:22,099
And, honey, we may be
a little bit late.
126
00:09:22,133 --> 00:09:25,366
It seems the octopus people
have run amuck downtown,
127
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,234
and you know
what that does to traffic.
128
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:32,900
Uh, Dad,
129
00:09:32,934 --> 00:09:34,900
if there's any trouble,
130
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:36,966
blow on this ring.
131
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,101
The alien police
will come and save you.
132
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,567
What the hell
are you looking at?
133
00:09:48,601 --> 00:09:50,767
Oh, I guess maybe
I didn't really see 'em,
134
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:52,333
'cause if a great dog like you
135
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,133
didn't sense their presence
and bark,
136
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:57,334
well, then...
I must be going crazy.
137
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:13,468
Oh, this is okay.
138
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,700
See, I--
139
00:10:16,734 --> 00:10:19,467
I've had a--
A head injury.
140
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:21,900
You're not really here.
141
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:25,867
Nope.
142
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:29,034
I don't see any--
Anyone at all.
143
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,900
Help me.
144
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:13,734
M- moon men have my socks.
145
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,633
Over.
146
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:26,533
Al!
147
00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:28,567
Al!
148
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,133
Well,
guess he's not home.
149
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:33,700
Well,
he couldn't be far.
150
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,900
The stench of failure
is still in the air.
151
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:55,200
Kids, I think you better
go upstairs and pack a bag.
152
00:11:55,234 --> 00:11:58,001
Your father
may be going away.
153
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,934
I just know he's gonna linger on
and eat away at our savings.
154
00:12:03,868 --> 00:12:05,400
Come on out of there,
sweetheart.
155
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:08,368
Come on.
Come on.
156
00:12:11,267 --> 00:12:13,234
Boo!
157
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,767
Well, now look
what you've done.
158
00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:23,067
Oh, he sells shoes.
What's the difference?
159
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,733
Come on,
sweetheart.
160
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:29,999
Marcie just did that
because she loves you.
161
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:32,934
No. I did it because he calls me
Sergeant Carter-Hair.
162
00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:34,233
Oh.
163
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:35,633
Come on, honey.
164
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,266
Come on over here
and sit on the couch.
165
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,099
And tell us what happened.
166
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,834
No.
167
00:12:40,868 --> 00:12:42,667
You'll laugh at me.
168
00:12:42,701 --> 00:12:45,468
We won't laugh at you.
169
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,099
Well, the--
170
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:49,867
The moon men came back
and took my socks.
171
00:12:52,901 --> 00:12:54,166
Oh.
172
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:58,234
Isn't it funny how UFOs
always visit idiots?
173
00:12:59,501 --> 00:13:01,767
Well, I guess they went up
to the last idiot and said:
174
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:04,667
"Take us to your leader."
175
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:05,999
Look,
you gotta believe me.
176
00:13:06,033 --> 00:13:08,233
They came in here, and they took
the socks off my feet.
177
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:09,567
Then they measured my head.
178
00:13:09,601 --> 00:13:11,366
Then they went through
the laundry basket
179
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,633
and took the socks out of that.
180
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,700
Does that sound like
the ramblings of an idiot?
181
00:13:17,267 --> 00:13:18,867
Ask Buck.
He was here.
182
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,233
Ask Buck?
183
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,133
Okay.
184
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,999
Uh, Buck,
185
00:13:27,033 --> 00:13:28,400
honey...
186
00:13:28,434 --> 00:13:32,001
why don't you tell us
what you and Daddy saw.
187
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,468
Uh-huh.
188
00:13:36,234 --> 00:13:38,500
Uh-huh.
189
00:13:38,534 --> 00:13:41,266
Well, he says he can
vouch for five aliens,
190
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:45,101
but, you know, he's nothing
without his calculator.
191
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,433
We're sorry, Al.
192
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,099
We shouldn't
have doubted you.
193
00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:51,433
You know, UFO Digest
has pledged to pay
one million dollars
194
00:13:51,467 --> 00:13:55,033
to anyone with real proof
of aliens having visited.
195
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,500
And with your dog's testimony
196
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:58,200
and your standing
in the community,
197
00:13:58,234 --> 00:14:00,334
why, that million's
as good as yours.
198
00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:05,066
All right,
laugh if you will,
199
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,999
but answer me this:
200
00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:08,966
If there weren't any aliens,
201
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,434
how do you explain these?
202
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,900
Well,
if we were in Russia,
203
00:14:16,934 --> 00:14:19,034
I'd say Chernobyl.
204
00:14:44,601 --> 00:14:46,400
Al.
205
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:49,300
Honey, when you fell
into that pond,
206
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:53,034
just exactly how long
were you underwater?
207
00:14:55,467 --> 00:14:56,934
Peg, haven't you learned yet
208
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:59,433
that nothing reveals itself
in this bedroom
209
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:02,167
when you're talking?
210
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,767
You know, honey,
you've been sitting there
211
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:07,567
for three hours doing nothing.
212
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:08,767
If you're gonna do that,
213
00:15:08,801 --> 00:15:12,134
why don't you get a job
at the post office.
214
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:18,067
Come on, boys.
Get me out of here.
215
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,734
Get off me, Buck.
216
00:15:46,267 --> 00:15:47,967
Ah, they're not comin'.
217
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:50,533
I give up.
218
00:16:11,801 --> 00:16:14,468
They have to be used,
huh?
219
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:23,001
Of course.
The other ones were new.
220
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:24,633
You, uh...
221
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:27,533
You guys mind
if I take your picture?
222
00:16:34,501 --> 00:16:36,633
Say, "Millions."
223
00:16:57,133 --> 00:17:00,633
* Kumbaya, my Lord *
224
00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:03,001
* Kumbaya *
225
00:17:12,434 --> 00:17:14,200
Go...
226
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:16,267
alien!
227
00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:21,533
Guys, just one more thing.
228
00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:23,033
You sure you don't want
the redhead
229
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,001
for your intergalactic zoo?
230
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:30,533
I don't blame you.
231
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,033
Well,
232
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,600
live long and prosper.
233
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:37,101
I know I will.
234
00:17:38,868 --> 00:17:40,066
I'm rich!
235
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,567
Ah, ha-ha! I'm gonna get
the millions!
236
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,099
Did the aliens come,
honey?
237
00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:46,200
Huh?
238
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,233
Um...
239
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,368
no.
240
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,633
Well, you woke me up.
241
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,734
Rub my tushy.
242
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,967
Rub it yourself.
243
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,966
* Day-o *
244
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,200
* Day-day-ay-ay-o *
245
00:18:02,234 --> 00:18:05,333
* Pictures come
And I never go home *
246
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:08,099
* Pictures come
And I never go home *
247
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:10,166
* One blond, two blonds *
248
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,667
* Three blonds
Ah! *
249
00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:14,600
* Pictures come
And I never go home *
250
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:16,667
Hey, Mr. Tallyman,
251
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:19,700
we don't need
the whole song.
252
00:18:20,734 --> 00:18:21,700
May I help you?
253
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:22,966
Give me my pictures.
254
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,966
I got planes to catch,
cars to buy
255
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,034
and families to leave.
256
00:18:28,234 --> 00:18:29,233
Name?
257
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:32,334
Bundy.
But it'll soon change.
258
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:34,266
Give me my pictures.
259
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:37,233
Bundy...
Bundy...
260
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:41,966
Is that Al Bundy, 36 exposures,
1600 ISO?
261
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,700
Yes! Yes!
262
00:18:43,734 --> 00:18:44,966
Uh-oh.
263
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,133
What?
264
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,133
You know, this has only happened
one other time
265
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,733
since we've been
at this location.
266
00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:50,934
What happened?
267
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:53,200
Well, do you know anything
about film developing?
268
00:18:53,234 --> 00:18:54,200
No.
269
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,468
Well, neither do we.
270
00:18:57,334 --> 00:18:58,900
But we learn as we go.
271
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:01,033
Today we learned
that when the machine jams,
272
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:04,800
you don't use a flashlight
around negatives.
273
00:19:05,534 --> 00:19:07,667
Were they
anything important?
274
00:19:13,033 --> 00:19:15,633
When's your court date, Al?
275
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,166
Thursday.
276
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,333
Congratulations.
277
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,233
It's not every day
a Bundy gets arrested
278
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:24,734
for assaulting
a Photorama clerk.
279
00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:27,567
Of course,
you were in the right.
280
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:31,567
I mean, he did lose your photos
of those little green guys.
281
00:19:31,601 --> 00:19:34,834
That's right.
Play with the piranha.
282
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,999
Honey, I'm gonna go
see your lawyer.
283
00:19:38,033 --> 00:19:40,300
He may not realize
that a previous judge
284
00:19:40,334 --> 00:19:43,333
already declared you
legally stupid.
285
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:45,167
It may help your defense.
286
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:51,733
What are you lookin' at?
287
00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:53,667
You know they were real.
You were here.
288
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:56,333
If you could talk,
you'd back me up, wouldn't you?
289
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:58,066
Yeah, right.
290
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,900
Mad men they lock up.
291
00:19:59,934 --> 00:20:02,834
Mad dogs they shoot.
292
00:20:05,801 --> 00:20:08,167
Of course.
293
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:12,533
You guys came to see
the pictures, didn't you?
294
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:17,767
Well, the Photorama guy
lost them.
295
00:20:23,934 --> 00:20:26,200
Oh, nah, nah.
No more pictures.
296
00:20:26,234 --> 00:20:29,700
No. I-- I broke my camera
over some guy's head.
297
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:31,066
You guys,
298
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,999
there's something
you gotta know about me.
299
00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:34,767
Even if I took
more pictures of you,
300
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,099
it wouldn't come out right.
301
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,800
Everything I do is wrong.
302
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:39,900
Nothing I do
seems to matter.
303
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:42,867
I don't know. I try,
but it just seems like Al Bundy
304
00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:45,667
wasn't meant to count.
305
00:20:49,934 --> 00:20:52,201
You want my socks.
306
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:58,301
Would you guys mind
coming on Geraldo with me?
307
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,934
Gotta go, huh?
308
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,967
I understand.
309
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:04,967
All right.
310
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:10,066
Oh, guys,
just one more thing.
311
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:11,667
Why my socks?
312
00:21:11,701 --> 00:21:14,267
Mizoozoo.
313
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:25,134
Mizoozoo.
314
00:21:34,667 --> 00:21:37,368
ANNOUNCER:
315
00:22:12,267 --> 00:22:15,434
Al Bundy.1
00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:23,633
Oh, yeah.
2
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,434
Aw, yeah.
3
00:01:38,667 --> 00:01:41,133
Excuse me, miss.
4
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:44,767
Is this man
bothering you?
5
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:54,800
Bud, I warned you
about eating all that cheese.
6
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,600
Where are
the old people?
7
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,233
Oh, uh...
8
00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:04,600
well, Dad's down at, uh...
the store.
9
00:02:05,467 --> 00:02:07,333
They're having that, uh,
midnight sale.
10
00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:09,400
You know, you probably heard it
on the radio.
11
00:02:09,434 --> 00:02:10,900
They keep playing
that old song:
12
00:02:10,934 --> 00:02:13,800
After Midnight We're Gonna Sell
A Lot Of Shoes.
13
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,733
Work's a bummer.
14
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:19,834
I'm glad I'm a pretty girl,
so I'll never have to.
15
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:22,567
Oh, that reminds me,
where's Mom?
16
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,166
Oh, uh, she went
to pick him up.
17
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,867
We got a call. Something about
him flipping out.
18
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:38,333
* After midnight *
19
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,201
* We're gonna sell
A lot of shoes *
20
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:43,133
Hi, Daddy.
21
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,133
Hello, miss.
22
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:46,700
You wanna buy
a lot of shoes?
23
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,133
Uh, I have shoes,
Daddy.
24
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,500
Uh, he doesn't
recognize you, honey.
25
00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:53,066
Shoes?
26
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:55,633
Come on, sweetheart.
Sit down over here.
27
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:57,600
Uh, we're home now,
sweetie.
28
00:02:57,634 --> 00:02:58,966
You remember.
29
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,767
Two kids, a dog,
30
00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:04,667
a room upstairs
where you disappoint your wife.
31
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:10,600
Well, there's only one way
to snap him out of this.
32
00:03:17,434 --> 00:03:20,301
That's how
I like to see you.
33
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,333
Oh, Peg,
it was horrible.
34
00:03:23,367 --> 00:03:26,333
Sixteen straight hours
of shoe-selling mayhem.
35
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:28,700
Last thing I remember,
I was down on one knee,
36
00:03:28,734 --> 00:03:31,734
waiting on an overflowing
glacier of a woman.
37
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:34,266
The first thing they teach you
38
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,867
when you're
a rookie shoe salesman
39
00:03:35,901 --> 00:03:39,834
is when you got a fat one
in the chair, never look up.
40
00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:42,700
I looked up, Peg.
41
00:03:42,734 --> 00:03:45,301
I saw underwear.
42
00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:49,934
It said, "Saturday."
43
00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:52,233
So what?
44
00:03:52,267 --> 00:03:55,134
Today's Wednesday!
45
00:03:58,334 --> 00:04:02,233
Anyway, the next thing I knew,
I was insane.
46
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:06,133
Take a good look
at your future, rat boy.
47
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:09,033
So, honey, tell us
what the doctor said.
48
00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,633
Well, he found
two interesting things.
49
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,500
Well, that's two more
than I've ever found.
50
00:04:13,534 --> 00:04:15,401
I wonder where
was he looking.
51
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:19,667
I'm just kidding, honey.
52
00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:21,166
We really do care.
53
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,633
So, what did
the doctor say?
54
00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:26,500
Well, he said
from your home cooking,
55
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,467
my stomach
is the size of a quarter,
56
00:04:29,501 --> 00:04:32,266
and that I suffer
from stress.
57
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,233
Stress?
58
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:36,333
How could you
get stress?
59
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:38,300
You don't do anything
but get up and go to work.
60
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:43,900
Well, maybe he got it
from a toilet seat.
61
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,800
It would've shown up
long before this, honey.
62
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:50,733
Stress?
Al, that is ridiculous.
63
00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:53,934
I mean, how in the world would
someone like you get stress?
64
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:59,234
Well, the doctor thinks
it might be the wife.
65
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,567
Well, very nice.
66
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,500
So now it's my fault
67
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:06,066
that you have
a go-nowhere job
68
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,333
and absolutely
no ambition at all.
69
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:11,500
Why, you know, if it wasn't for
me telling you day after day
70
00:05:11,534 --> 00:05:14,600
to get up, get to work,
and do something for God's sake,
71
00:05:14,634 --> 00:05:16,600
you wouldn't be bringing home
the chump change
72
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:17,700
that you already are.
73
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,600
Stress.
74
00:05:20,634 --> 00:05:23,099
Mom, don't you think that we
should be nice to Daddy,
75
00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:25,433
you know, with him
being out of his, uh...
76
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:29,101
M- I-N-E-D?
77
00:05:29,901 --> 00:05:32,099
Yes, honey,
you're right.
78
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,300
It is the woman's
lot in life
79
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,266
to always carry the man.
80
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:39,066
Always the helper,
never the helped.
81
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,500
So, what'd the doctor
say you should do,
82
00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:44,166
you big sissy?
83
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,900
Well, he said I should maybe
find myself a relaxing hobby.
84
00:05:47,934 --> 00:05:51,767
You know, uh, start
a vegetable garden.
85
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,099
A vegetable garden?
86
00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:57,468
Well, you started one of those
when you had Kelly.
87
00:06:06,968 --> 00:06:08,900
Hey.
88
00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:12,900
I thought we were supposed to be
making fun of Dad here.
89
00:06:12,934 --> 00:06:14,133
You're right, honey.
90
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:16,434
A vegetable garden.
91
00:06:17,834 --> 00:06:20,667
Oh, can you see your father
in a vegetable garden?
92
00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:23,733
Hey, I can see myself
in a vegetable garden.
93
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:26,633
Out in the open air,
working with the land.
94
00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:28,767
You know, growin' stuff
and eatin' it.
95
00:06:28,801 --> 00:06:30,900
Yep, that's what
I'm gonna do.
96
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:33,133
I'm gonna grow myself
the bestest vegetable garden
97
00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:34,300
in the world.
98
00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:36,700
I'm gonna grow me beans
and tomaters.
99
00:06:36,734 --> 00:06:38,633
Potaters.
100
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:41,800
Ham...corn...uh...
101
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:45,401
I'm gonna fish...fish them
little shrimps that I like.
102
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:48,200
And...bread.
Homegrown bread.
103
00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:49,200
And butter.
104
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:52,401
And pizza
with extra cheese.
105
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:56,166
Kids, does anyone else
sense doom around here?
106
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,999
* Dum dee-dee, dum dee-dee
Dum dee-dee *
107
00:06:59,033 --> 00:07:01,934
* Vegetable garden! *
108
00:07:03,434 --> 00:07:05,333
I think
we all sense it, Mom.
109
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:07,433
* Dum dee-dee, dum dee-dee
Dum dee-dee *
110
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:09,700
* Dum-dum, corn *
111
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:26,434
Kids, soon all this
will be yourn.
112
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:32,401
Well, golly.
113
00:07:33,901 --> 00:07:37,133
Hey, where'd you learn to farm
and speak like a hick, Daddy?
114
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:40,900
Well, kids, all you really need
for farmin' is the right tools,
115
00:07:40,934 --> 00:07:42,900
a farmin'
state of mind,
116
00:07:42,934 --> 00:07:47,067
and your very own copy
of Farmer Iggy's Almanac.
117
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:50,800
Let's see what the Igster
has to say this morning.
118
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:55,034
"Plant in the mornin',
vegetables a-bornin'."
119
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:01,266
Thanks a lot, Mom.
120
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:03,967
Keen choice o' dads.
121
00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:06,033
Look, Peg.
122
00:08:06,067 --> 00:08:09,633
The corn is as high
as an elephant's eye.
123
00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:12,733
Oh, honey, I couldn't
be prouder of you
124
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,934
if you thought
you were Napoleon.
125
00:08:14,968 --> 00:08:18,033
Come, look at my beans, Peg.
126
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:21,967
Been a long time since you seen
a bean that size, eh, babe?
127
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:25,500
Yeah, you sure know
how to grow 'em, honey.
128
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,999
Soon we will have
a bountiful harvest,
129
00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:32,233
and you'll be cookin',
a- cannin' and a-servin'.
130
00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:35,434
And I'll be eatin',
a- belchin' and a-purgin'.
131
00:08:36,534 --> 00:08:38,567
Yep, it's been a long time
132
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:42,633
since we've been
this happy, eh, babe?
133
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,800
Want a cheek
of Redman?
134
00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:49,467
You're still not well,
are you?
135
00:08:49,501 --> 00:08:52,200
Not by a long shot.
136
00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:53,700
But I'm happy.
137
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:56,300
Now get thee
in the house, woman.
138
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:57,867
As farmer Iggy says,
139
00:08:57,901 --> 00:09:01,967
"Wife standin' near,
soon comes a tear."
140
00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:10,099
Well, I thought
she'd never leave.
141
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:13,333
Now it's just you and me,
hey, guys?
142
00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:16,133
* Old McBundy had a farm *
143
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:17,867
* B-U-N-D-Y *
144
00:09:17,901 --> 00:09:20,366
* And on this farm
There was no wife *
145
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,867
* B-U-N-D-Y *
146
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:23,834
* With a no wife here
And a no kids there *
147
00:09:23,868 --> 00:09:27,134
* A hooker comin' over
On Friday nights *
148
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:32,567
* Big luscious hooters
And a pizza and a beer there *
149
00:09:32,601 --> 00:09:35,366
* Old McBundy had a farm *
150
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,800
* B-U-N-D-Y *
151
00:09:46,734 --> 00:09:49,700
I never felt so relaxed.
152
00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,233
Hey.
153
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,633
Rabbit, give me back
my carrots!
154
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,667
Ow!
155
00:10:03,701 --> 00:10:05,166
Bite me, will you?
156
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,767
Well, listen to this,
buddy.
157
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:10,334
No one bites Al Bundy
and lives.
158
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:15,967
Kiss your bonnie,
bunny butt goodbye, rabbit...
159
00:10:16,434 --> 00:10:19,001
'cause you're one dead--
160
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:25,001
Peg, he peed on me!
161
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:36,867
Hey, Kel, did you hear
about Billy's dad?
162
00:10:36,901 --> 00:10:40,800
He just made
vice president of his company.
163
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:43,700
Hey, Bud, did you know
that Holly's dad,
164
00:10:43,734 --> 00:10:45,667
after many long years
of work,
165
00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:48,467
started his own company?
166
00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:51,834
Well, this must be the year
of the successful dad, ha.
167
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:54,234
Let's see how yours
is doing.
168
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,700
Let's see if you can swim
as well as you can steal,
169
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:01,500
you bucktoothed
bandit.
170
00:11:02,634 --> 00:11:05,867
Is he not successful too,
who foams from the mouth
171
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:08,500
and lies sputtering
on the ground?
172
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,166
Gardening has calmed me down,
173
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,201
and you just can't stand it,
can ya?
174
00:11:13,701 --> 00:11:15,033
Well, you'll be cheering me
175
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:17,700
when this bunny
comes floating belly-up.
176
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:20,767
Yeah, you'll be
a real hero, Dad.
177
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:22,500
We can hear 'em
singing now:
178
00:11:22,534 --> 00:11:26,067
"Killed him a bunny
when he was 43."
179
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:29,266
No rabbit's foot for you,
young lady.
180
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,633
Dad, you've had the hose on
for four hours now,
181
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,166
and the ground
isn't even wet.
182
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,633
Where's all that
water going?
183
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:36,500
How the hell should I know
where it's going?
184
00:11:36,534 --> 00:11:38,200
I don't even know where
it's coming from
185
00:11:38,234 --> 00:11:40,368
when it comes out
of the hose.
186
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,433
I just-- I just wish
I could go with it.
187
00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:46,934
Shh! I hear
some squishing sounds.
188
00:11:54,934 --> 00:11:56,533
Oh!
189
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:58,800
What did you do?
190
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:02,166
Gee, Marcie,
what happened to you?
191
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,567
What happened to me?
192
00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,400
I finally got a date.
193
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:08,700
A successful man.
A handsome man.
194
00:12:08,734 --> 00:12:11,767
Sure, he was married,
but he was gonna leave her.
195
00:12:11,801 --> 00:12:13,333
He told me so.
196
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,633
He told me his wife
didn't understand him.
197
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,233
Like, what's so hard to
understand
198
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:18,333
about
a 40-year-old man
199
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:21,967
who likes to be
spanked for his sins?
200
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,934
Anyway, we get back
to my house,
201
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:28,700
I open the door, and step into
my living-room pond.
202
00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:32,366
It seems that some idiot
stuck a hose in the ground
203
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,467
and left the water on
all day.
204
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:35,667
So I was wondering,
205
00:12:35,701 --> 00:12:38,267
have you seen an idiot
with a hose anywhere?
206
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,667
Hey, Marcie, you've given me
a good idea.
207
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:42,400
Bring your head
over here by the hole.
208
00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:45,167
He'll think it's a cabbage,
and then we'll have him.
209
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:54,667
Look, Al, we all appreciate
the fact that you're insane
210
00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:56,900
and that you need
a relaxing hobby,
211
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:59,800
but maybe this gardening thing
is just a little too challenging
212
00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:01,500
at this point in your life.
213
00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:05,700
Have you tried Silly Putty
on the comics page?
214
00:13:05,734 --> 00:13:09,300
He has. He just couldn't get
the egg open.
215
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:11,500
Oh. Well.
216
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:13,934
I will be sending you
a bill for the damage.
217
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,300
And if you do not pay,
218
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:18,099
I will sue you
for everything you've got,
219
00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:23,001
and that includes
my garbage cans.
220
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,167
Great. That leaves us
with nothing in the will.
221
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:32,333
Well, I guess
we're just gonna have to make it
222
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:34,533
on our good looks.
223
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:37,201
See you on skid row,
bacon face.
224
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,533
We're all
getting cranky, Al.
225
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:44,433
Did you get
that rabbit yet?
226
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:45,834
Are you kiddin' me?
227
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:48,567
I must have poured a million
gallons of water down that hole.
228
00:13:48,601 --> 00:13:50,999
I flooded the whole block
and every living thing in it.
229
00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:53,099
Now, if that rabbit's
still alive,
230
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:56,034
I'm yours tonight.
231
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:06,166
You know,
the sad part is, I--
232
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,934
I don't
really want him. Hm.
233
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:13,167
But a promise
is a promise.
234
00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:16,133
Now look
what you've done!
235
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:18,633
You'll be screaming
worse than me, I'm telling you!
236
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:20,567
I'll get you for this!
237
00:14:20,601 --> 00:14:23,434
I'll make you pay for this,
I'm telling you...!
238
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,200
Okay, I'm all through
with the poison now.
239
00:14:42,234 --> 00:14:43,700
You can take off
your masks.
240
00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:47,267
Um, not you, Peg.
Uh, yours wasn't working anyway.
241
00:14:49,868 --> 00:14:53,967
Bud, Dad said that you could
take your mask off.
242
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:57,700
Eat Dad's okra.
243
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,667
Lick his onions.
244
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:01,533
Kids!
245
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:06,001
Kids, let's not forget
that Daddy is the enemy here.
246
00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:11,233
There, now,
that's better.
247
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,200
Honey,
do you think it's wise
248
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:16,333
to indiscriminately spray
poison on a windy day?
249
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:18,200
Peg, if you wanna make
a rabbit omelet,
250
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:20,467
sometimes you gotta
break some eggs.
251
00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:21,700
But don't worry about it.
252
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:23,500
I read the directions
very carefully.
253
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:26,834
It's nontoxic to everything
but rabbits.
254
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,733
Hi there.
255
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,900
Anyone been spraying poison?
256
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,166
Why do you ask?
257
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,500
Well, there I was,
out in our backyard,
258
00:15:46,534 --> 00:15:49,800
you know, drying my TV
from the flooding,
259
00:15:49,834 --> 00:15:53,166
when a bald eagle came to drink
from my bird feeder.
260
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,800
Wow. We haven't had a bald eagle
spotted in this area for years.
261
00:15:56,834 --> 00:15:59,133
I know. They're very rare
and beautiful,
262
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,800
except when they're twitching
and hacking their guts out
263
00:16:01,834 --> 00:16:03,900
on my lawn.
264
00:16:03,934 --> 00:16:05,300
You really should have seen it.
265
00:16:05,334 --> 00:16:07,333
It was quite
an excruciating death.
266
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,667
Way to go, Al.
267
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,834
Why don't you throw
one of your socks out the window
268
00:16:10,868 --> 00:16:14,099
and try for the last dodo?
269
00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:17,800
Well, I like to think
that I'm the last dodo, Peg.
270
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:20,200
But more importantly,
I'm gonna have some vegetables,
271
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:21,667
'cause there's no way
in the world
272
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:23,966
that rabbit could have
have survived that death cloud
273
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,234
I let loose
on the neighborhood.
274
00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:31,434
It lives.
275
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,633
Okay, fine.
276
00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:36,200
I didn't ask
for a hobby.
277
00:16:36,234 --> 00:16:37,966
I hate vegetables.
278
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,101
But I need that garden
to relieve my stress, damn it!
279
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,133
And I will have that garden
280
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:47,033
if I have to kill
every single living thing
281
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:49,467
in this entire,
stinking planet.
282
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:51,900
This is war.
283
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,900
Al, what are you doing?
284
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,734
Be vewy, vewy quiet.
285
00:17:16,901 --> 00:17:20,001
I'm huntin' wabbit.
286
00:17:23,033 --> 00:17:25,301
Oh, boy.
287
00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:28,166
Daddy, let me give you
some advice.
288
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,700
Um, I've been watching these
television show about rabbits.
289
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,934
Don't put the barrel of the gun
down the hole,
290
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,700
because what they do
291
00:17:38,734 --> 00:17:40,133
is they'll tie it in a knot
292
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:43,434
so that it explodes
in your face.
293
00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:47,533
Or sometimes
what they'll do
294
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,600
is they'll make it
really long and curved
295
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:52,500
so that it comes out
from a hole behind you,
296
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:55,934
and you shoot yourself
in the butt.
297
00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:03,034
To be forewarned
is to have four arms.
298
00:18:09,601 --> 00:18:14,067
Well, Princeton's loss
is The Gap's gain.
299
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,967
Oh, Mr. Wabbit!
300
00:18:18,834 --> 00:18:22,334
Come and get
a tasty cawwot!
301
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:27,934
Well, at least he didn't
shoot himself in the foot.
302
00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:30,067
Hmph.
Give him a minute.
303
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:33,533
Ah! Ow, my foot!
304
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:40,300
What's he doing now?
305
00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:43,600
Well, he's got
the flamethrower.
306
00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:46,233
He's aiming it
at the hole.
307
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:48,001
He shoots...
308
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,099
and misses.
309
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:54,166
Garden on fire?
310
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,133
Yup.
311
00:18:56,167 --> 00:18:59,201
And so is
Mrs. Rhoades' fence.
312
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:03,001
Whoa!
Look at her big tree go.
313
00:19:04,901 --> 00:19:07,200
Well, at least he didn't
shoot himself in the foot.
314
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:09,700
Hmph.
Give him a minute.
315
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:15,067
Ow, my foot! Ow, my-- Ow!
316
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,633
Oh, fire!
Ow, my foot!
317
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:20,600
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh!
318
00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:37,900
So this is how it ends,
eh, Mom?
319
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:40,266
As long as it ends.
320
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,101
Daddy?
321
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:44,368
What?
322
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,433
Nothing.
323
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:49,433
Good.
324
00:19:49,467 --> 00:19:52,999
Now, I put this down
his little hole,
325
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:54,400
and I light the fuse,
326
00:19:54,434 --> 00:19:56,767
and bye-bye rabbit.
327
00:20:08,467 --> 00:20:09,767
The fuse is lit,
328
00:20:09,801 --> 00:20:13,733
and we'll be hit by bunny bits
any second now.
329
00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:17,567
Now do you see the importance
of an education, kids?
330
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:18,934
Uh, Dad...
331
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,333
before your fingers
hit pay dirt,
332
00:20:21,367 --> 00:20:23,934
are you sure you didn't use
too much dynamite?
333
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,834
Son, if dynamite was dangerous,
334
00:20:25,868 --> 00:20:29,067
do you think they'd sell it
to an idiot like me?
335
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:31,266
Now, nothing can go wrong.
336
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,099
I've taken every precaution.
337
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:36,368
Including making sure
it was nowhere near a gas line?
338
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:46,067
Hit the dirt.
339
00:21:01,801 --> 00:21:05,700
You know, it's such
a beautiful day.
340
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:09,033
I hardly miss
the house at all.
341
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:12,733
It was a nice explosion,
wasn't it?
342
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:13,900
But on the good side,
343
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:17,600
the ensuing fire
did dry out my living room.
344
00:21:17,634 --> 00:21:19,366
But the sun
would have done that anyway,
345
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,167
since I no longer
have a roof.
346
00:21:22,901 --> 00:21:26,434
Well, that's odd.
We have two.
347
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:29,667
Yeah, one for each wall
in my room.
348
00:21:29,701 --> 00:21:33,400
Nobody's asked me
how my stress is.
349
00:21:33,434 --> 00:21:35,934
Oh, we're sorry.
350
00:21:35,968 --> 00:21:39,167
How's your stress,
lint-for-brains?
351
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:40,733
I'm mellow.
352
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:42,033
You know why?
353
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:45,099
You don't see a rabbit out here,
do you?
354
00:21:45,133 --> 00:21:46,567
Sure don't, honey.
355
00:21:46,601 --> 00:21:48,133
You did real good.
356
00:21:48,167 --> 00:21:50,934
That's all I wanted to hear.
357
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,600
You know,
I really feel good.
358
00:22:10,634 --> 00:22:12,533
Carrot?
359
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:18,201
That's Al, folks.1
00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:19,099
Yep.
2
00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:20,600
Finally,
3
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:22,500
a day off.
4
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:26,034
Boy, I'm gonna
have me some fun.
5
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,667
What?
6
00:02:02,767 --> 00:02:05,567
Hi, honey. Are you enjoying
your day off?
7
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:07,867
Peg, you know I am.
8
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,767
Now, how are you
gonna ruin it for me?
9
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:13,900
Sex, chores, what?
10
00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:15,733
Oh.
11
00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:18,233
Well, I guess we'll
just stick to chores today.
12
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:19,700
But I'll
give you a choice:
13
00:02:19,734 --> 00:02:22,368
shower or
fix the doorbell.
14
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,200
How much work is it
to fix the doorbell?
15
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,400
Well, unlike
taking a shower,
16
00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:31,567
you might have
to raise an arm.
17
00:02:32,567 --> 00:02:35,333
Oh, Al, it makes
this wheezing pathetic sound.
18
00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:37,600
I'm embarrassed to have
my girlfriends hear it.
19
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:39,467
Oh, come on,
they've heard worse.
20
00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:43,101
You know, "Move along,
bossy, no grazing here."
21
00:02:45,133 --> 00:02:48,101
Or, "Hey, how 'bout
sharing that cud?"
22
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:54,233
Excuse me.
23
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:56,533
That's the doorbell, Al.
24
00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,967
Come in!
25
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,500
Oh, hi.
26
00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:04,633
I'm Brenda.
I'm your new neighbor.
27
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,934
I just moved into the house
across the street.
28
00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:15,366
Oh, yeah.
29
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,166
The old Thompson house.
30
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,233
You know, he used to be
in charge of the soy trough
31
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,500
over at Mr. Egg Roll.
32
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,366
But then he got promoted
to the guy who says,
33
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,099
"What size drink with that?"
34
00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:26,934
So we knew he'd be moving
to a better neighborhood.
35
00:03:26,968 --> 00:03:28,200
Hi, I'm Peggy.
Hi.
36
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:31,333
If you want anyone to tell
a secret to, just tell me.
37
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:34,066
Oh, and if you need any gossip
on any of the neighbors,
38
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,667
just ask me.
39
00:03:36,267 --> 00:03:38,567
People tell me everything.
40
00:03:38,601 --> 00:03:40,633
Yeah, well, I've already heard
about the people
41
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:43,934
who live on the other side
the Bundys.
42
00:03:44,701 --> 00:03:47,266
Boy, the stories I've
been hearing about them.
43
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:49,800
They say the husband
will steal your paper,
44
00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:54,134
stalk your pets
and eat your garbage.
45
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:59,834
Hey, half a potato
is not garbage.
46
00:04:01,634 --> 00:04:04,166
Anyway, this moving in
is difficult.
47
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,767
It's harder because...
48
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:07,600
I don't have a man.
49
00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:09,567
Mm. I know.
50
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:12,733
Where do you find one
these days?
51
00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:15,600
Anyway, the movers,
they left my couch out
in front of my house,
52
00:04:15,634 --> 00:04:17,233
and I have
a job interview.
53
00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:20,567
I dance on tables for men
near airports.
54
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:25,966
So I was wondering if you
could watch it for me
55
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,400
until I get back?
56
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:30,066
Well, a quarter might
keep my eyes open.
57
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:31,667
Heh-heh.
You know, that's funny.
58
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:34,334
A quarter used to keep them
closed in high school.
59
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:37,934
Well, miss,
it's my day off,
60
00:04:37,968 --> 00:04:39,767
and as you can see,
I'm all alone.
61
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,300
So, uh,
62
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:43,834
I don't mind moving
that couch for you.
63
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:46,633
Well, it is
a big couch.
64
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:49,867
But then,
you're a big man.
65
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,099
Hi, I'm Brenda Kostrowski.
66
00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:59,368
Peggy, do you mind if I borrow
this big strong guy?
67
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:02,733
Yeah, okay.
68
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:05,333
Uh, just have him back
by tomorrow.
69
00:05:05,367 --> 00:05:07,633
He has to perform brain surgery
in the morning,
70
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:10,867
and he has a loafer sale
in the afternoon.
71
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,834
Eh, my mother worries so.
72
00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:20,133
After you, my rear.
73
00:05:20,167 --> 00:05:22,468
I- I mean, my dear.
74
00:05:23,501 --> 00:05:25,300
You are too tired
to fix the doorbell,
75
00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:27,400
and yet you can
go move her couch?
76
00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:29,101
Yeah.
77
00:05:32,734 --> 00:05:34,700
Let's, uh, hurry up
and get that couch inside
78
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:36,934
before Peg wants
to go sit on it.
79
00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:41,467
Why do we have
to fix the doorbell?
80
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:44,999
Well, Kelly, that's why
grownups have kids.
81
00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,333
They had me to fix things
and you to...
82
00:05:47,367 --> 00:05:50,500
say "What's that?"
every time you see an airplane.
83
00:05:52,033 --> 00:05:53,500
Now, you're sure
the power's off?
84
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:55,900
For the thousandth time,
85
00:05:55,934 --> 00:05:58,201
yes, the power is off.
86
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,334
Aaaaghh!
87
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:07,101
Help me!
88
00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:25,133
Kelly,
89
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,334
spell "off."
90
00:06:29,467 --> 00:06:32,034
Spell it!
91
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:36,401
"O"...something.
92
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:43,967
Well, I'm just gonna go
change the old underwear.
93
00:06:46,501 --> 00:06:48,900
And we'll start
this again.
94
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:51,433
Maybe next time
you can go the extra mile
95
00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:53,934
and put a bucket of water
for me to stand in.
96
00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:03,099
Peg!
97
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,700
Peg, come here!
98
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,433
Guess what happened.
99
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:09,334
Buck stood upright,
and he's taking over your job.
100
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,266
Yeah, like he could work
the register.
101
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,667
Oh, please, just tell me
what happened.
102
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:17,099
Well, after I moved
Brenda's couch,
103
00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:18,767
she said I was cute.
104
00:07:18,801 --> 00:07:21,734
Oh, Peg,
I think she likes me!
105
00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:26,133
Oh, honey.
106
00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:28,667
How could she?
107
00:07:28,701 --> 00:07:30,333
Oh, believe me, Al,
108
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:33,500
and I'm telling you this
as your wife and as your friend,
109
00:07:33,534 --> 00:07:35,767
no one likes you.
110
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,400
Face it, sweetie.
111
00:07:38,434 --> 00:07:39,999
I know you
better than anyone.
112
00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:41,133
And believe me,
113
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,767
she sees you
as the world sees you:
114
00:07:43,801 --> 00:07:45,767
as cheap labor.
115
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:47,734
Now, how 'bout a beer?
116
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:49,633
Hi, Mom.
117
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:52,133
Listen, um,
Bud needs this to stand in
118
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,967
while he fixes
the doorbell.
119
00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:57,633
I've gotta go tease my way
up and down the block.
120
00:07:57,667 --> 00:07:59,700
I just heard from the women
in the neighborhood
121
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:02,134
that there's a new stud
in town.
122
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,467
Um, Al,
123
00:08:04,501 --> 00:08:06,834
Kelly and I just have some
mother-daughter stuff to do.
124
00:08:06,868 --> 00:08:07,999
We'll be home by dark.
125
00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:09,200
What did you hear
about him?
126
00:08:09,234 --> 00:08:11,266
Well, they said
that he's big and strong
127
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:12,834
and good-looking.
128
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,633
Help me
get this ring off.
129
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,166
Okay, what else?
130
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,300
That's it.
131
00:08:19,334 --> 00:08:20,800
They were watching him
move a couch
132
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,333
into some house
across the street.
133
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:25,201
I wonder who he is.
134
00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:36,033
Kelly, uh,
heh-heh,
135
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:39,166
that stud used
to tuck you in
136
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,867
when you were a baby.
137
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:45,034
They were looking
at the garbage man?
138
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:54,066
Al, it was nothing.
139
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,300
She was a baby.
she was crying.
140
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:57,767
I was watching
the soaps.
141
00:08:57,801 --> 00:09:00,166
He just couldn't
stand the noise.
142
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,133
Kelly...
143
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,201
that stud is me.
144
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,200
You're funny, Daddy.
No, who is he?
145
00:09:09,234 --> 00:09:10,266
Tell her, Peg.
146
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,099
Tell her who
the good-lookin' stud is
147
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:13,733
who has all
the neighborhood women
148
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,900
shavin' their moustaches.
149
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:22,266
It can't be.
150
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,467
I'm going outside.
151
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:26,834
There's gotta be
someone else out there.
152
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,733
What did they say
about me?
153
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:34,366
Well, they said you had
the arms of a blacksmith
154
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,767
and the legs of a god.
155
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,333
Did they say anything
about my butt?
156
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,999
Oh.
Huh?
157
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:41,200
I was bendin' over
an awful lot out there.
158
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,401
Did anyone notice?
Did they? Did they?
159
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:45,667
They liked it,
Daddy.
160
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:48,301
Yes!
161
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:55,667
And do you know why
they liked it, pumpkin?
162
00:09:55,701 --> 00:09:57,733
'Cause you played
high school football, Daddy?
163
00:09:57,767 --> 00:09:59,966
'Cause I played
high school football.
164
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,600
It never really fades,
does it?
165
00:10:02,634 --> 00:10:05,767
You wanna see me
in my uniform?
166
00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:07,867
No.
167
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,600
But I bet you
Bud would.
168
00:10:09,634 --> 00:10:10,767
I'll just
go get him.
169
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:14,099
Oh, those poor Al-starved
neighborhood women.
170
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,834
Hey, if lovin' me
is wrong,
171
00:10:15,868 --> 00:10:17,767
they don't wanna be right.
172
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,467
Pumpkin,
can I ask you something?
173
00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:24,834
When two people are
as beautiful as we are,
174
00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:27,800
is it terrible to--
To flaunt what we have?
175
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:29,200
Terrible?
176
00:10:29,234 --> 00:10:31,867
It's an obligation.
177
00:10:31,901 --> 00:10:33,733
A duty.
178
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,099
I mean, it's like belonging
to whoever wins you
179
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:39,034
in a knife fight.
180
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:42,834
Yeah.
181
00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:44,433
But the important thing
182
00:10:44,467 --> 00:10:46,567
is to never let them
touch you.
183
00:10:46,601 --> 00:10:48,999
Remember, they will
never buy the cow
184
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:52,667
if they can get
the eggs for free.
185
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:57,533
I did.
186
00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:58,633
Anyway,
187
00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,233
I'm gonna do
a few push-ups
188
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:02,434
and go out there
and wash the car.
189
00:11:03,234 --> 00:11:05,334
Of course,
I'll need a rag.
190
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:14,700
Where are you goin'?
191
00:11:14,734 --> 00:11:17,333
Where does it look
like I'm goin'?
192
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:20,167
Mr. Pudding Belly
tryouts?
193
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:26,034
No, my little couch doily.
194
00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:28,500
I'm gonna wash the car.
195
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,600
This can't be happening.
196
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:46,266
They couldn't be
talking about him.
197
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:47,800
They just couldn't.
198
00:11:47,834 --> 00:11:49,700
And I don't know
what he's doing out there.
199
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:52,099
There is not a woman
to be found anywhere.
200
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:54,667
* Do it to them
One more time *
201
00:11:54,701 --> 00:11:57,133
* Oh, once is never enough *
202
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,999
* With a man like me *
203
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:01,767
* Whoa whoa whoa whoa
Whoa whoa whoa whoa *
204
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:03,099
He's back!
205
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:04,834
Look! He's washing his car!
206
00:12:04,868 --> 00:12:05,966
Oops!
207
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,900
Looks like I got
some suds in my pants.
208
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,834
Al, stop that!
209
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:15,733
Mind your own business!
210
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:17,301
Oh.
211
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,066
I don't know what
they're lookin' at.
212
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:23,633
Have they never seen flies
circle the head of a man before?
213
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,166
No, it's attitude.
214
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,500
I mean, for example,
215
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:32,500
let's just say
that there is somebody
216
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,733
so unattractive
in this room
217
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:38,333
that even the girl cats
won't let him pet them.
218
00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:41,300
Now, how would
this person--
219
00:12:41,334 --> 00:12:44,700
Well, let's just
call him Bub.
220
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,166
-- get attention?
221
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,633
Now, he could go on using
his Daddy's credit card,
222
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,500
you know,
calling date hotlines
223
00:12:50,534 --> 00:12:54,301
and saying that he's
Seor Pablo, U.N. diplomat,
224
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,333
or he could learn--
225
00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:01,533
Before he loses his hair
to reveal his head pimples.
226
00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:03,800
-- that if you think
you're hot,
227
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,034
other people will too.
228
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:09,201
Seor Pablo
will not forget this.
229
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,999
Should have seen it,
Peg.
230
00:13:14,033 --> 00:13:15,400
A million women
starin' at me,
231
00:13:15,434 --> 00:13:16,767
hooting and screaming.
232
00:13:16,801 --> 00:13:18,967
Now I know what
the Beatles felt like.
233
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,600
Sweetheart, there were
three women out there:
234
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,999
one was 60, one was 80,
235
00:13:25,033 --> 00:13:26,733
and one was older
than the tree they used
236
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:30,034
to cut for her wooden leg.
237
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:35,034
Hey, that's how
Tom Jones started, baby.
238
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,800
Excuse me, Mr. Bundy?
239
00:13:42,834 --> 00:13:44,433
I was trying
to wash my car,
240
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:46,800
but I'm just
a weak, little woman.
241
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:48,800
Would it be asking too much
for you to come over,
242
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:51,600
you know...
without your shirt,
243
00:13:51,634 --> 00:13:54,301
and, uh,
buff my bumpers?
244
00:13:58,868 --> 00:14:01,800
Hidy-hidy-hidy-ho.
245
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,700
Now, don't go getting
your nose hairs in an uproar.
246
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:10,867
You are not
goin' anywhere.
247
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,767
Now, I don't know
where this sexy,
248
00:14:12,801 --> 00:14:15,366
"I'm a human being"
nonsense came from,
249
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,800
but it's gonna stop
right now.
250
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:18,966
Too late.
251
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,533
The fuse is lit,
and the fire is on.
252
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:24,034
Burn, baby, burn.
253
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,767
It's an Al inferno.
254
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,134
Ssss.
255
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:50,400
Marcie, I tell ya,
this is serious.
256
00:14:50,434 --> 00:14:52,333
Something is going on.
257
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,134
He showered.
258
00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:58,099
In the morning.
259
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,300
Now, the only time
that Al used to shower
260
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,700
was right after
we had sex.
261
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:05,266
Immediately after.
262
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,767
Sometimes even during.
263
00:15:08,334 --> 00:15:09,999
And you know what else?
264
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:13,033
He bought a toothbrush.
265
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:15,900
With a rubber tip.
266
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:18,200
Oh, Peggy.
267
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,700
I know.
268
00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:21,700
I don't know what to do.
269
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,934
He's happy.
270
00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:25,066
He smells good.
271
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,600
He's even making more money
at the shoe store.
272
00:15:27,634 --> 00:15:29,934
And last night, when I was
rifling through his pants
273
00:15:29,968 --> 00:15:33,433
to get some of it,
I found these:
274
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,167
Tic Tacs.
275
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:40,867
Well,
276
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:42,867
according to the book
I've just read,
277
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,900
Keep Him Down,
Keep Him Down, Keep Him Down:
278
00:15:44,934 --> 00:15:47,368
A Woman's Guide
to Happiness,
279
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,467
you don't really
have to worry
280
00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:56,099
until a man stops buying
white underwear.
281
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:57,366
The time to sweat
282
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,567
is when men
buy underwear in a tube.
283
00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:01,099
You know,
the bright-colored ones
284
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:03,934
that fat European men
use as bathing suits.
285
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:08,467
Well, I don't have to worry
about that.
286
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:12,033
Al would never give up
his white Hanes underwear.
287
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:14,166
Size 34, three to a pack.
288
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,066
I know that because
I bought him a three-pack
289
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,266
a couple of years ago,
290
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,600
and he still has two
he hasn't even used yet.
291
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:33,033
Ladies.
292
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:36,667
Excuse me,
I should say, "Lovely ladies."
293
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,600
Hi, Al.
294
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,301
Shut up.
295
00:16:46,234 --> 00:16:48,333
What are you doing home
in the middle of the day?
296
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:50,400
Well, I just thought
I'd freshen up with a shower
297
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,533
and then go back
to work.
298
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:53,900
Oh, by the way,
299
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:56,267
have you seen my new underwear?
300
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,034
Zebra-striped.
301
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:07,966
Uh-huh.
302
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,368
He looks just as good going
as he does coming.
303
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,533
Marcie.
304
00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:17,033
Sorry. I don't know
what came over me.
305
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,033
Peg, you gotta come up
306
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,934
and check me out
in my new underwear!
307
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:23,166
Oh, you can bring
Marcie too!
308
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,468
Can we, Peggy?
Can we?
309
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:33,999
A large foot?
You, madam?
310
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:35,266
Oh, no.
311
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,101
You merely have
a full-figured foot.
312
00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:40,600
Oh, you.
313
00:17:40,634 --> 00:17:42,734
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
314
00:17:44,968 --> 00:17:47,567
Oh, please.
315
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:50,700
Now, how many ballet slippers
can I fix you up with?
316
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:55,134
You've been so delightful,
I'll just take them all.
317
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,366
This is for the shoes.
318
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,733
Thank you.
319
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:01,567
And this
320
00:18:01,601 --> 00:18:03,867
is for the cookie monster.
321
00:18:03,901 --> 00:18:05,800
Oh.
322
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:12,633
Well, serving number 57.
323
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,166
Me!
Me!
Me!
324
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,200
I'm number 57.
325
00:18:15,234 --> 00:18:16,333
Al! Al!
326
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:17,500
Take a number.
327
00:18:17,534 --> 00:18:19,266
Oh, it's you.
328
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:20,500
What's shakin', babe?
329
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:23,400
Every chin
in this store.
330
00:18:23,434 --> 00:18:24,533
Look, honey.
331
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:27,500
I went shopping for food.
Heh-heh-heh.
332
00:18:27,534 --> 00:18:29,900
And I brought you
some very special treats.
333
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:32,166
Bread and cheese.
334
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,600
Just picture them all nicely
laid out on a paper plate.
335
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:38,333
Oh, come home
with me, honey.
336
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,533
Ah, sweetheart,
you are a pearl,
337
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:42,800
but as you can see, I have
to be here for a long time.
338
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:45,133
I baked you a pie,
339
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,433
Mr. Bundy.
340
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:48,800
Well, thank you.
341
00:18:48,834 --> 00:18:50,700
Ju-- Put it over there
with the others.
342
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:52,700
Okay.
343
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,300
Anyhow, Peg, love the bread,
love the cheese,
344
00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:58,533
but I got my little
shoe store gig here.
345
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:01,633
So, uh, why don't you go on home
and run me a nice, warm tub.
346
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:04,166
And, uh, oh, by the way,
lay out my, uh,
347
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,234
leopard underwear.
348
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,800
Serving number 57.
349
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:15,267
I'm number 57.
350
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,200
Mom, Al's not home yet.
351
00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:26,067
Well, it's midnight,
and his tube is empty.
352
00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:31,667
Mom, could you try
not to eat corn
353
00:19:31,701 --> 00:19:33,633
while I'm talkin' to you.
354
00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:36,468
Right. I'll call you
in the morning.
355
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,066
Gee, kids, you know,
I know I've dreamt about it,
356
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:44,099
but what would I do if
your father actually does leave?
357
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:46,200
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
358
00:19:46,234 --> 00:19:49,633
I mean, you have the skills
and education to...
359
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:54,700
Well, you sit
a damn fine couch.
360
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,600
Daddy's home!
Hey, Dad!
361
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,099
Oh, gee, Al,
362
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:03,200
where have you been?
363
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:05,433
Oh, I was just...
364
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,900
walkin' around,
and I, uh...
365
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,999
Then I stopped.
366
00:20:10,033 --> 00:20:13,401
My underwear
was killin' me.
367
00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,366
Even in a mild wind,
368
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,267
you can freeze a cheek
in these babies.
369
00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:22,800
Well, what happened, honey?
370
00:20:22,834 --> 00:20:24,767
Well, this beautiful--
371
00:20:24,801 --> 00:20:26,667
Very beautiful girl
came in the store...
372
00:20:26,701 --> 00:20:30,366
and asked me to fly away
to the Greek islands with her.
373
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,267
Well, did you go, Daddy?
374
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:37,733
Yes, pumpkin, I went.
375
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:40,734
I'm sorry I didn't get
a chance to say goodbye.
376
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:46,266
Anyway, all she wanted
was a love toy.
377
00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:48,667
Yeah, I know the feeling.
378
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:51,999
Oh, please.
379
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,999
The only feeling
that you know
380
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:55,800
is Buck's fur
against your cheek
381
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:57,800
on a warm summer night.
382
00:20:57,834 --> 00:21:00,034
Oh, now.
N- now, kids.
383
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,033
It was every man's
fantasy:
384
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,800
to be kept by a woman
whose skirt is as short
385
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:10,468
as the life span of the man
that she chooses.
386
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:13,033
But I said no.
387
00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,500
Why?
388
00:21:17,434 --> 00:21:19,533
Well, because I realized
389
00:21:19,567 --> 00:21:21,633
that everything I'd been doing
up to now,
390
00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:23,300
the bathing, the brushing,
391
00:21:23,334 --> 00:21:26,233
the changing of the socks,
392
00:21:26,267 --> 00:21:28,567
the being nice to people,
393
00:21:28,601 --> 00:21:30,700
the trying to succeed,
394
00:21:30,734 --> 00:21:32,366
was all for nothing.
395
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,600
All those things
are designed to attract.
396
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,667
Why should I be attractive?
397
00:21:39,701 --> 00:21:42,134
I'm married with children.
398
00:21:55,300 --> 00:21:58,400
Mom, look at him.
399
00:21:58,434 --> 00:22:00,567
What's happening?
400
00:22:05,467 --> 00:22:07,333
I'm scared.
401
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,434
He's coming back.
402
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:13,567
My Al is coming back!
403
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:25,500
Hanes!
404
00:22:25,534 --> 00:22:27,401
He's back!1
00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:19,433
We'll be right back
2
00:01:19,467 --> 00:01:24,334
with more on Dateless Dude
Late Night Theater.
3
00:01:27,701 --> 00:01:30,734
Do you like to be spanked?
4
00:01:31,734 --> 00:01:33,966
Well, I'm looking
for some naughty boys
5
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,400
who need my special brand
of discipline.
6
00:01:36,434 --> 00:01:39,834
Just dial the number
you see on the screen.
7
00:01:39,868 --> 00:01:41,200
And remember, kids,
8
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:44,667
be sure to ask
your parents' permission.
9
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:48,368
Let's go!
10
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,066
Hello?
11
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:59,067
Yes, I-I've been bad.
12
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:03,333
Do what?
13
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:06,267
Well, if I have to.
14
00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:22,301
Pretty cool, Bud.
15
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:31,267
Uh...that was
Buck's mother.
16
00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:36,133
Well, he didn't wanna
talk to her so I just...
17
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:38,300
Yeah, save it
for the psychiatrist, Bud.
18
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:40,600
Now, why don't you
just go on upstairs
19
00:02:40,634 --> 00:02:42,966
andNick-at-Nite
yourself to sleep?
20
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,267
I need use
of the couch.
21
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:49,900
I was here first.
22
00:02:49,934 --> 00:02:52,266
And besides, last time
you and a victim used the couch,
23
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:53,800
we had to de-flea it.
24
00:02:55,434 --> 00:02:57,767
Or have you forgotten
about the Lester incident?
25
00:02:57,801 --> 00:03:02,867
Hey, I got a brother
named Lester.
26
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,500
Do you?
27
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:11,433
Look, Kel...
28
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:13,099
why should you
be stuck downstairs?
29
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:15,166
You're 18.
You can do what you want.
30
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,733
I mean, you don't have to use
the sofa
31
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:18,366
or the back seat of a car.
32
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,066
Or that dirty pile of laundry
33
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,600
you used last night
with Mongo.
34
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,567
No.
35
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:29,401
I got a brother
named Mongo.
36
00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:31,700
You're right.
37
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:33,266
I am an adult.
38
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,500
I mean, why am I sneaking boys
in the house?
39
00:03:35,534 --> 00:03:38,266
I'm not 12 anymore.
40
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:39,500
Come on, let's go upstairs
41
00:03:39,534 --> 00:03:41,200
and play Strip Nintendo
like adults.
42
00:03:41,234 --> 00:03:42,734
All right.
43
00:03:48,934 --> 00:03:50,066
Oh, hi, Daddy.
44
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,834
I'm 18, and I can do
whatever I want.
45
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:53,200
This is Jake.
46
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,400
Hi. We're goin'
to Kelly's room.
47
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:57,067
Hold my calls.
48
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,533
Hi, Jake. Uh, I'm sorry
Kelly didn't introduce us.
49
00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:11,233
But before you go
to the room,
50
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:13,333
let me, uh, introduce you
to the rest of the house.
51
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:16,266
This is the end
of the banister.
52
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,368
Oh, and, uh, meet my wall.
53
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:22,500
Now, what's that, Jake?
You say, "How do you get out?"
54
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:23,867
Well, how 'bout the door?
55
00:04:23,901 --> 00:04:25,500
No, please don't.
56
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:27,267
Oh, don't worry about it.
57
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:48,067
Don't be a stranger.
58
00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:50,733
Gee, Bud,
judging by where he landed,
59
00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:52,133
I'd say
I'm about 8, 10 inches
60
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,934
from my record toss
of 20 feet.
61
00:04:54,968 --> 00:04:56,133
I believe that was,
uh...
62
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,233
Uh, Larry.
63
00:04:57,267 --> 00:05:00,067
Hey, I got a brother
named Larry.
64
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,567
Daddy,
we have to talk.
65
00:05:04,601 --> 00:05:06,767
I'm 18,
and I have my rights.
66
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:08,934
Believe her, Dad.
She's heard them plenty enough.
67
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:10,433
She has the right
to remain silent,
68
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:11,800
the right
to an attorney...
69
00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:13,667
Don't you have to get
on your hands and knees
70
00:05:13,701 --> 00:05:15,234
and call somebody?
71
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,667
Come on, Daddy.
Why can't I do what I want?
72
00:05:20,701 --> 00:05:25,633
Al, honey,
I need my tushy rubbed.
73
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,567
You see what can happen
74
00:05:27,601 --> 00:05:29,400
when you sneak
into somebody's bedroom
75
00:05:29,434 --> 00:05:30,700
before you're married?
76
00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:32,934
Well, I want my rights
in this house.
77
00:05:32,968 --> 00:05:34,400
And I am gonna hold my breath
78
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:37,800
until you understand
that I am an adult.
79
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,900
I'm holding it.
80
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:45,467
I am not breathing.
81
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:48,233
I'm really serious
this time.
82
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:51,467
I think I'm blacking out.
83
00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:53,133
There, I've done it.
I've blacked out.
84
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:54,667
Are you happy now?
85
00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:58,400
She may need
mouth-to-mouth, Dad.
86
00:05:58,434 --> 00:06:01,101
Should I call
some street-corner bums?
87
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,166
It is just those kind
of inseminations
88
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,767
that make Daddy think
I'm a bad girl.
89
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:10,101
Oops, I breathed.
90
00:06:10,968 --> 00:06:12,433
God, this is hard.
91
00:06:12,467 --> 00:06:13,999
How do those guys
on submarines
92
00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:17,067
hold their breath
for so long?
93
00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:20,034
Uh, pumpkin...
94
00:06:20,434 --> 00:06:22,233
in order
for a house to be a home,
95
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:24,366
only one can make the rules.
96
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,600
And in this house,
those rules...
97
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:32,567
...are made by the man.
98
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,099
Daddy, if you won't listen
to reason,
99
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,733
then I am just gonna have to get
my own place to live.
100
00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:40,667
Sweetheart,
threats don't work on me.
101
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:45,067
No one's rubbing my tush!
102
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:52,101
You see, I've already
been to hell.
103
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,099
She's leavin', Al.
104
00:07:00,133 --> 00:07:02,233
Do you know
what that means?
105
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:04,099
It means we're old.
106
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,733
Old, Al.
107
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:07,233
It's not so hard for you.
108
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:10,066
You've been old.
109
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:13,033
I just never thought
this would happen to me.
110
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:14,900
Here it comes.
111
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,066
Am I getting old?
112
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:20,633
How would I know?
I never look at you.
113
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,366
Well, Dad...
114
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:31,033
I guess
this is au revoir.
115
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,233
Mom...
116
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:34,066
Adidas.
117
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,233
Oh.
118
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:38,934
All right now, there,
missy.
119
00:07:38,968 --> 00:07:42,033
I think we've played this
charade a little bit too long.
120
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:43,633
Now, you don't fool me
for one minute,
121
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:44,999
but look at your mother.
122
00:07:45,033 --> 00:07:46,266
You got her so worried,
123
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,366
she's looking
every bit her 50 years.
124
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,200
I'm sorry, Daddy,
125
00:07:51,234 --> 00:07:53,166
but if you won't respect me
as an adult,
126
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,734
I have no choice
but to be my own mistress.
127
00:07:58,033 --> 00:08:00,533
Hey, what do you mean, 50?
128
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:02,066
Where'd you get 50?
129
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:05,867
Well, 'cause 100 was taken
by your mother.
130
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:06,966
Now...
131
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:11,133
pumpkin, let me explain
something to you.
132
00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:14,500
Don't be fooled
by Couchise over here.
133
00:08:14,534 --> 00:08:15,767
In the real world,
134
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:17,867
you can't find a place to live
without money.
135
00:08:17,901 --> 00:08:19,200
I have money.
136
00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:21,867
Two hundred
and forty-six dollars.
137
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,433
She's leaving, Al.
138
00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:25,300
Say something to her.
139
00:08:25,334 --> 00:08:28,966
Pumpkin, could you loan
your old dad a couple of bucks?
140
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,567
There's this new
bowling ball I want.
141
00:08:30,601 --> 00:08:32,233
You know,
blue with a swirl?
142
00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:35,967
It's only $80.
You know I'm good for it.
143
00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,567
Goodbye, Mom.
144
00:08:39,601 --> 00:08:41,600
Oh!
145
00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:43,867
She's gone.
146
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:45,900
Al, our baby's gone.
147
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:47,467
Hold me.
148
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:50,333
Well, I didn't hold you when we
conceived her. Why start now?
149
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:53,234
Oh, Al.
150
00:08:56,267 --> 00:09:00,099
There, there, old one.
There, there.
151
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:03,800
Al, I'm really
gettin' worried.
152
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,366
Kelly promised
that she'd call.
153
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,300
And it's been
six hours.
154
00:09:08,334 --> 00:09:10,800
A- and yet you were okay
when she used to go to drive-ins
155
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:14,334
in a van that read
"Virgin Sacrifice Tour '90."
156
00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:17,834
You know, not everybody
in ripped jeans,
157
00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:19,600
no underwear
and a black hood
158
00:09:19,634 --> 00:09:21,867
is a bad influence,
honey.
159
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:23,800
Go away, Peg.
160
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:26,033
Al, was I
a good mother?
161
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:28,600
You're not even
a good smoke.
162
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:29,934
Oh, Bud,
163
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:31,066
my son,
164
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,366
where are you going?
165
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,266
Honey,
don't forget a jacket, heh.
166
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,233
Mom, it's
80 degrees outside.
167
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,233
Come here.
168
00:09:37,267 --> 00:09:39,467
Let me feel your head.
169
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:42,567
Gee, it's kind of lumpy,
heh.
170
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:47,134
I-- I never
noticed that before.
171
00:09:47,734 --> 00:09:50,533
Bud, was I
a good mother?
172
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:52,500
Well, you must
have been.
173
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:54,133
I was the only
8- month-old baby
174
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:56,166
who knew how to change
his own diaper.
175
00:09:56,200 --> 00:10:00,133
Well, I wish you
would have said something.
176
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,533
Anyhow, from now on,
177
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,400
I am really gonna be
a great mom.
178
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:07,633
You'll see.
We'll be just like pals.
179
00:10:09,968 --> 00:10:12,133
* Hush, little baby *
180
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:14,834
* Don't you cry *
181
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:20,900
* Mama's gonna give you
A pizza pie *
182
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:22,200
Uh, Dad?
183
00:10:22,234 --> 00:10:23,700
Oh, yeah.
184
00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,900
Yeah, I didn't see you
rushin' and helpin' me
185
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:30,234
when I was rubbin' her butt,
lo, those many years.
186
00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:34,767
There's a 10-spot
in it for you, Dad.
187
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,900
Oh, all right.
188
00:10:37,934 --> 00:10:39,533
Peg...
189
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,767
Leave the boy go.
190
00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:45,767
But I need someone
to hug.
191
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,700
You're on your own, son.
192
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:51,300
I'll get it.
193
00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:53,800
Oh, my baby.
194
00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:56,434
Oh.
Mom, I'm warning you.
195
00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:00,300
Hello?
196
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:01,834
Hi, Kelly.
197
00:11:01,868 --> 00:11:03,266
Okay, yeah,
I'll tell them.
198
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:05,467
Bye.
199
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:08,633
She got an apartment.
200
00:11:10,634 --> 00:11:15,867
* And if that pizza pie
Don't sing *
201
00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:22,434
* Mama's gonna buy you
A chicken wing *
202
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,900
My little baby.
203
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:38,934
Just a little, wittle,
wuddle, luddle man.
204
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:40,733
Open the hangar.
205
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:44,734
Here it comes.
206
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:51,400
Help me.
207
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:52,966
What are you
complainin' about?
208
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,800
At least you're eatin'.
209
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:58,133
You'll never leave
your mommy, will you?
210
00:11:58,167 --> 00:12:00,266
Why would I go out
with a girl my age,
211
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,266
when I can stay home
212
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:02,500
and be oiled
and powdered
213
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:04,667
by my insane mother?
214
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:09,733
Oh, Al, what will I do
when he's too big to cuddle?
215
00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:12,166
That's it.
That does it for me.
216
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,533
If you need me,
I'll be upstairs
217
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,567
writing
my soon-to-be-published...
218
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,267
How to Stay Cool
While Mommy Watches You Tinkle.
219
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:21,700
Pookie, can we talk?
220
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:25,500
Oh, sure. I just have
to mash 'nanas for Bud's lunch.
221
00:12:26,868 --> 00:12:28,567
Well, I didn't
wanna interrupt you
222
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:31,567
while you were, um,
emasculating our son,
223
00:12:31,601 --> 00:12:34,633
but, uh, Peg,
I suspect your mind,
224
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:37,700
uh, much like the lost
continent of Atlantis,
225
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:40,834
no longer appears
on any map.
226
00:12:40,868 --> 00:12:44,867
You know, Al,
kids grow up so darn fast.
227
00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:46,734
Let's have another baby.
228
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:49,600
Gee, Peg,
there's a couple of things
229
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:51,366
I'd rather do first.
230
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,867
Uh, I'd rather dive
off the Sears Tower
231
00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:58,001
headfirst
into a thumbtack.
232
00:12:59,467 --> 00:13:01,733
Or I'd rather
bait a crocodile
233
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,567
with my manhood.
234
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:08,667
Which, I believe,
is what got me into this mess.
235
00:13:08,701 --> 00:13:10,733
Oh, wait a minute.
I-- But I forgot.
236
00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:12,633
You're as loony
as a tune.
237
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,400
So of course,
we can have another child.
238
00:13:14,434 --> 00:13:15,400
Oh, look,
239
00:13:15,434 --> 00:13:16,800
here comes
our baby now.
240
00:13:16,834 --> 00:13:19,433
Let's call him
Insane-O.
241
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:21,400
The product
of our love.
242
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,500
You don't even miss Kelly,
do you?
243
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:25,433
Nope.
244
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,966
You are an unfeeling brute.
245
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,266
I must bathe my boy.
246
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,433
Oh, Bud?
247
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:33,033
Here comes Mommy.
248
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:38,401
Get out the ducky sponge.
249
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,400
I'm not
an unfeeling brute.
250
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,200
She's 18.
She oughta be gone.
251
00:13:57,234 --> 00:13:59,300
If I didn't get to lick
the mashed 'nana bowl,
252
00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:01,368
I'd be gone too.
253
00:14:01,968 --> 00:14:03,333
254
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:05,366
parents who just don't
give a damn
255
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,900
and grew old and depressed
256
00:14:06,934 --> 00:14:10,101
because their children
left and won't talk to them.
257
00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:11,966
Daddy, can I have
258
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,500
a Buddy Burger?
259
00:14:13,534 --> 00:14:15,533
No, honey, you've had
too many already.
260
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:16,667
Then I hate you,
261
00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:18,999
and I'm running away
forever.
262
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,667
Bonnie did run away,
263
00:14:20,701 --> 00:14:24,033
into the path
of a speeding truck.
264
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:26,300
The moral is, have us
scrape one off the grill
265
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:30,567
so you don't have to scrape one
off the street.
266
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:36,099
* Buddy Buddy
Buddy Burgers *
267
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,366
* Made with love *
268
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,434
And lard!
269
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:49,066
Excuse me, Al.
270
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,434
I'd like you to meet
my new boyfriend, Sam.
271
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:54,533
Al...
272
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:56,433
tell Sam what
you do for a living.
273
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:58,266
Well, I...
274
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,134
I sell shoes.
275
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:06,200
And how long
have you been doing this?
276
00:15:06,234 --> 00:15:08,301
Twenty years.
277
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,834
And finally, exactly how old
are the socks
278
00:15:13,868 --> 00:15:16,001
you're wearing
on your feet?
279
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:20,267
Not quite as old
as the hair on your legs.
280
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:27,934
I'm glad you're here, Marce.
281
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,200
I have to talk to you.
282
00:15:29,234 --> 00:15:31,934
Uh, you know Kelly,
don't you?
283
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:33,266
Blond, pretty.
284
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,934
Her boyfriends
sometimes climb
285
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:37,234
into my room
by mistake?
286
00:15:37,934 --> 00:15:39,567
Yes, believe I know
the young lady.
287
00:15:39,601 --> 00:15:43,166
Well,
if she had $246,
288
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,166
she could find a--
289
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,999
A nice place to live,
couldn't she?
290
00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:48,800
Two hundred
and forty-six dollars?
291
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:50,733
Well, with money like that
to throw around,
292
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:52,467
you gotta figure
she's either living
293
00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:55,400
in a Big Gulp cup...
294
00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:59,066
or she's sellin'
her body for Pez.
295
00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:00,266
Why do you ask?
296
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:02,233
Well,
she moved out.
297
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:03,567
Think I should
go get her?
298
00:16:03,601 --> 00:16:05,066
Absolutely not.
299
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:06,533
Now, this is
Kelly's first step
300
00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:08,033
towards independence.
301
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,500
I mean, even if she's starving
and freezing to death
302
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,533
and setting a rat
on fire for heat,
303
00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:14,467
she's still
better off.
304
00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:16,333
I mean, if you go
and rescue her,
305
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:17,800
you are only
going to reinforce
306
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:18,999
the traditional role
307
00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:21,533
of female subservience
to men.
308
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:24,934
And it's something
I find personally odious.
309
00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:26,934
Let's see some knee, babe.
310
00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:33,633
So don't worry.
311
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:35,500
It may not be
and easy road, but--
312
00:16:35,534 --> 00:16:37,633
Stop that,
you scamp.
313
00:16:38,834 --> 00:16:41,133
But I think Kelly
is perfectly capable
314
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,934
of surviving
on her own.
315
00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:47,067
On her own. On her own.
On her own.
316
00:16:51,834 --> 00:16:56,999
* You're the end
Of the rainbow *
317
00:16:57,033 --> 00:17:03,667
* My pot of gold *
318
00:17:03,701 --> 00:17:09,166
* You're Daddy's
Little girl *
319
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:14,333
* To have and hold *
320
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:20,066
* A precious gem *
321
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:23,900
* Is what you are *
322
00:17:23,934 --> 00:17:26,133
* And you're *
323
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:30,233
* Daddy's *
324
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:35,667
* Little girl *
325
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:41,233
* And you're Daddy's *
326
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:45,567
* Little girl *
327
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,733
So all I'm trying
to say here is,
328
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,066
with a little luck,
329
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:54,400
Kelly will
turn out to be
330
00:17:54,434 --> 00:17:56,366
as strong
and independent
331
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,600
as the woman you see
before you.
332
00:17:58,634 --> 00:18:00,800
Give me some lip,
baby.
333
00:18:06,934 --> 00:18:08,734
I'm coming,
pumpkin!
334
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:24,900
Daddy.
335
00:18:24,934 --> 00:18:26,433
Hi, pumpkin.
336
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:28,266
I came to see
how you're doin'.
337
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,967
Well, come in.
338
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:33,201
I, uh...
339
00:18:33,701 --> 00:18:36,334
I brought you somethin'.
340
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,433
Pez?
341
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:41,133
Yeah, I-I-I-- You know,
I didn't want you to have to...
342
00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:43,633
You know,
do anything for 'em.
343
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:46,966
Hey, this is some place.
This is--
344
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,934
Wow, a TV.
345
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,800
Is that a cable box?
Mm-hm.
346
00:18:50,834 --> 00:18:53,433
Wow.
347
00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:55,400
Gee, what's blowin'
on my neck?
348
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:57,099
It's the air conditioning,
Daddy.
349
00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:59,934
Ohhh.
350
00:18:59,968 --> 00:19:02,066
Well, what else
you got here?
351
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,867
Nice.
352
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,067
Great Caesar's ghost!
353
00:19:17,734 --> 00:19:19,700
You were worried about me,
weren't you, Daddy?
354
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:22,301
Move over, Kelly.
355
00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:27,033
You know, I'm really sorry--
Mustard.
356
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:29,967
I wanted to call--
Knife.
357
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,633
Mmmm.
358
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,167
Mm.
359
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,733
Uh, Kelly...
360
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:43,366
how do you afford
a place like this on only $246?
361
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,300
Well, I'm kind of sharing
the place.
362
00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:46,467
My roommate takes care
363
00:19:46,501 --> 00:19:48,500
of most of the bills.
364
00:19:49,601 --> 00:19:51,433
Honey, I'm here.
365
00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:54,434
Mm, don't you look nice.
366
00:19:54,934 --> 00:19:56,600
And, uh, who are you?
367
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,967
Oh, I'm the guy
that did this.
368
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,900
Daddy,
you don't understand.
369
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:02,900
Oh, I understand.
370
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,133
Old guy, young girl,
fancy apartment,
371
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:07,366
cold cuts
like there's no tomorrow.
372
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,733
I know what's goin' on.
373
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:12,368
I'm so upset, I can
hardly eat this sandwich!
374
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:14,700
Daddy,
375
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,333
what happened?
376
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:18,300
Dad, meet Brooke.
377
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:19,800
My roommate.
378
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:23,266
You killed my Daddy!
379
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,966
You mean,
you're not havin' an affair
380
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,400
with my daughter?
381
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:30,099
Of course not.
382
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:31,667
You really do care,
don't you?
383
00:20:31,701 --> 00:20:33,867
Well, sure, I do.
384
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:37,233
You're my little girl.
385
00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:39,468
Uh, I think
he's swallowing his tongue.
386
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:41,966
You know,
pumpkin,
387
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:42,966
maybe we can bend
388
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,500
a few of those old rules,
389
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:45,934
if you come home.
390
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:48,500
Can I have boys
in my room?
391
00:20:48,534 --> 00:20:52,667
Well, let's take that
on a case-by-case basis.
392
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:04,800
Well, obviously, neutering
doesn't do a damn thing.
393
00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:09,266
Hi, Kel.
394
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,500
Um, I was just scaring off
the cat
395
00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:13,567
that keeps calling here.
396
00:21:13,601 --> 00:21:16,767
Bud, either get a girl
or get a collar.
397
00:21:16,801 --> 00:21:19,400
Well, I guess you two
will be needing the couch.
398
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,233
Oh, Jake,
on your way out,
399
00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:23,934
check out our file
of free clinics nearby.
400
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,099
Thanks, dog boy.
401
00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:27,900
Well, we won't
be needing the couch.
402
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:29,366
Dad and I have
an agreement.
403
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,800
We're going to my room.
404
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,966
Are you sure?
405
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,433
My left eye still wanders
from the last time.
406
00:21:35,467 --> 00:21:36,467
Oh,
don't worry.
407
00:21:36,501 --> 00:21:39,034
Daddy is just
a big, old teddy bear.
408
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,099
Hi, Daddy.
We're going to my room,
409
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:44,166
as per our agreement.
410
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,967
Hi, Mr. Bundy. Remember me?
411
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,099
So long, Jake.
412
00:22:17,133 --> 00:22:19,368
So long, Al.
413
00:22:23,934 --> 00:22:27,334
I do believe
that's a record.1
00:01:17,901 --> 00:01:19,667
Why do we have go through
the family album
2
00:01:19,701 --> 00:01:21,733
and X out the dead guy?
3
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:25,266
Well, Dad said it helps
at Christmastime.
4
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,400
"Never send a present
5
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,867
to someone who won't
send one back."
6
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,967
Then we should X out
Mom and Dad.
7
00:01:33,934 --> 00:01:36,934
Soon enough, Kel.
Soon enough.
8
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:39,233
Well, I guess
it's buenos nachos
9
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,401
to Uncle Stymie.
10
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,934
Yup. Uncle Stymie
was the only Bundy
11
00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:46,099
to have died of
natural causes.
12
00:01:46,133 --> 00:01:49,334
And to be named
after a Little Rascal.
13
00:01:50,334 --> 00:01:52,567
I can't believe
this guy's actually rich.
14
00:01:52,601 --> 00:01:53,900
Was he a real Bundy?
15
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:55,800
Well, Dad explained it
to me.
16
00:01:55,834 --> 00:01:58,934
He was the only male Bundy
never to marry.
17
00:02:02,267 --> 00:02:04,567
I just hope Dad's
not too broken up over this.
18
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:07,600
I mean, Uncle Stymie was
his favorite.
19
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,600
Oh, God, why did it have
to be him?
20
00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:21,834
Why did it have
to be him?
21
00:02:21,868 --> 00:02:24,934
W- was that convincing, Peg?
22
00:02:24,968 --> 00:02:26,500
I wasn't pushing it
too much, was I?
23
00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:29,500
I mean, I don't wanna seem
greedy at the will reading.
24
00:02:29,534 --> 00:02:31,333
Well, then maybe
you shouldn't have asked
25
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:34,099
for dibs
on his gold fillings.
26
00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:36,200
What do you think, Peg?
Hankie? No hankie?
27
00:02:36,234 --> 00:02:38,200
Uh, better no hankie.
28
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:42,767
It's still crusty from that flu
that hit the family in '84.
29
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,433
Hey, what do you think
your uncle was worth, Dad?
30
00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:47,733
Bud, how can you
put a worth
31
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,934
on the life of a man
like Uncle Buckwheat?
32
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,467
Stymie, Al.
33
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:56,733
What's
the difference?
34
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:59,533
Neither one of them
were germane to the plots.
35
00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:01,533
The point is
he saved all his money,
36
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:02,633
and now, I'm gonna
get it.
37
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:04,334
Let's go, Peg.
38
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:06,934
Hey,
wait a minute.
39
00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:08,500
You two aren't going.
40
00:03:08,534 --> 00:03:09,667
Why?
41
00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:10,733
We loved Uncle Spanky
42
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:13,434
just as much
as the next man.
43
00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:16,366
You don't even know
his name.
44
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,700
Look, what Daddy means
45
00:03:17,734 --> 00:03:21,234
is that the sadness would just
be too much for you kids.
46
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,700
They're not
coming back.
47
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:29,767
They're taking the money
and leaving. I know it.
48
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:32,266
Now, kids,
do you really think
49
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,600
we could enjoy
this money
50
00:03:33,634 --> 00:03:36,600
without sharing it
with you?
51
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:41,167
We're going
to this funeral.
52
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:43,633
All right.
53
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,500
But before you do,
I think we should all have
54
00:03:45,534 --> 00:03:48,366
a moment of silence
for our dear Uncle, uh...
55
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,401
Gang.
56
00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:00,334
Amen.
57
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:04,500
We've been had.
58
00:04:06,634 --> 00:04:08,633
"And so the legacy
59
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:11,166
"I, Stymie C. Bundy,
leave you,
60
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,366
"the last surviving
male Bundys,
61
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:17,600
"is proof that a male Bundy
can achieve greatness.
62
00:04:17,634 --> 00:04:20,401
"Did I mention
that I never married?
63
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:21,867
"Well, regardless,
64
00:04:21,901 --> 00:04:23,099
"I'm sure you men
65
00:04:23,133 --> 00:04:27,033
"have all become successful
in your own ways.
66
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,900
"Iggy Bundy,
67
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,233
"I'm sure you became
68
00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:33,366
"the astronaut
you dreamed of.
69
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,700
"Lester Bundy,
70
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,266
"I'm sure
you achieved your dream
71
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:40,467
"of becoming
a brain surgeon.
72
00:04:40,501 --> 00:04:43,400
"Eugene Bundy,
73
00:04:43,434 --> 00:04:45,433
"I wonder if you
achieved your goal
74
00:04:45,467 --> 00:04:49,266
of becoming
bank president."
75
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,500
I did.
76
00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:54,266
"And last,
and most certainly least,
77
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:56,099
"Al Bundy.
78
00:04:56,133 --> 00:04:59,334
Al, get your hands
out of your pants."
79
00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:06,966
"You never really had
a dream,
80
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,500
"but I only hope you had
the sense
81
00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:12,800
"to dump that wild redhead
who stole my wallet.
82
00:05:14,601 --> 00:05:16,233
"In conclusion,
83
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:17,934
"rather than dividing
my estate
84
00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:19,999
"between all you vultures,
85
00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:23,133
I've decided to make
one Bundy really happy."
86
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:26,368
If it's you, Al,
I really love you.
87
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,301
If it's me, I--
I don't even know you.
88
00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:41,633
"Therefore,
it is my final wish
89
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,867
"that the first couple
to give birth to a Bundy male
90
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:46,999
"named after me
91
00:05:47,033 --> 00:05:49,468
"and born in wedlock...
92
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:53,266
"will receive
my entire estate.
93
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:58,134
That sum being $500,000."
94
00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:13,467
Uh, this may be
a stupid question,
95
00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:16,200
but why would you hide
your birth control pills?
96
00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:17,366
Safety precaution.
97
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,366
Oh. Kelly.
98
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,733
No. Al.
99
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,166
Heh.
100
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,667
He got ahold of them once.
101
00:06:23,701 --> 00:06:24,800
He thought
they were food
102
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:27,300
I was hiding in my purse.
103
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:29,366
So he ate them
while watching a ball game.
104
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,467
Heh.
105
00:06:30,501 --> 00:06:32,133
You know, he actually kind
of liked it,
106
00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:34,533
because he didn't have to
shave for a month.
107
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:37,166
I don't get it.
108
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,433
Why take birth control,
109
00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:40,900
when you could
get 500,000 bucks
110
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,800
for a Bundy baby boy?
111
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:45,167
Plus what the zoo
would pay you for it.
112
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,099
You know, I wouldn't
have another baby
113
00:06:49,133 --> 00:06:51,633
if gold dust dripped
out of its nose.
114
00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:54,300
I mean, sure,
the money would be nice,
115
00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:55,667
but I mean,
all that trouble.
116
00:06:55,701 --> 00:06:58,800
The screaming
and the crying and...
117
00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:02,600
changing those diapers
three or four times a week.
118
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:08,433
Well, at least that left
your weekends free.
119
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:09,966
You'd think. Heh.
120
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,934
But I mean, you go away
for the weekend,
121
00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:12,934
and when you come home,
122
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:16,800
they are never
where you left them.
123
00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:20,800
And then, of course, there's
that 10 months of pregnancy.
124
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,334
Ten?
125
00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:25,500
Male Bundys never
wanna come out.
126
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,333
Oh, and then once
they're out,
127
00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:29,834
they never wanna
go back in again.
128
00:07:36,534 --> 00:07:39,700
But, you know, for once,
Al is excited about sex.
129
00:07:39,734 --> 00:07:41,700
And I am not gonna dampen
his enthusiasm
130
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,533
with little details.
131
00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:46,800
So let me get
this straight.
132
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,633
You're turning down
half a mil
133
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,966
to have sex with Al
for free.
134
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,900
Mm-hm.
135
00:07:55,467 --> 00:07:57,767
Personally, I would rather
drive back and forth
136
00:07:57,801 --> 00:08:00,467
over a speed bump.
137
00:08:00,501 --> 00:08:02,166
But I guess
that's just me.
138
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,166
And every other woman
in the world.
139
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,567
By the way,
where is the stallion?
140
00:08:07,601 --> 00:08:11,200
Oh, he's out buying Playboy,
Penthouse, Biker Babes, heh.
141
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:14,434
You know, a little gas
for the engine.
142
00:08:14,601 --> 00:08:15,834
How disgusting
143
00:08:15,868 --> 00:08:18,400
that a man should need
outside stimulation.
144
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,667
It's so insulting
to a woman.
145
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,366
Who do you think of
when you're with Al?
146
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,567
James Bond.
147
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:29,468
All of them.
148
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,633
How about you?
149
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:34,800
Oh, I like to keep
my fantasies simple.
150
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:37,400
It starts with me in
a really tight, short dress
151
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,266
at the end of a bar.
152
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,333
At the other end,
153
00:08:41,367 --> 00:08:44,067
they're greasing up
Mike Tyson.
154
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,133
He's shadowboxing
and starting to sweat.
155
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:50,167
Then the scene changes.
156
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,166
It's now
Madison Square Garden.
157
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,166
A smoky crowd throbs
with anticipation.
158
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,834
"Go, Marcie," they buzz.
159
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:02,166
Tyson turns
into George Foreman,
160
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,533
who eyes me
like a basket of muffins.
161
00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:06,834
The bell rings.
162
00:09:06,868 --> 00:09:09,533
I try to fight,
but I'm powerless.
163
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:10,867
Then our eyes meet.
164
00:09:10,901 --> 00:09:13,200
He gives me
the old one-two.
165
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:15,066
The crowd is
on its feet cheering.
166
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,934
I'm down.
The count starts.
167
00:09:16,968 --> 00:09:19,733
The crowd's screaming,
"Get up!" But I can't.
168
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,900
I won't!
169
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:25,667
Take me, Mandingo!
170
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:37,234
And then...sometimes I get
a little kinky.
171
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:38,900
Peg...
172
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:40,300
tonight your name
is Guinevere,
173
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:42,600
and you were born in--
Yikes!
174
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:46,099
Now look what
you've done.
175
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:49,334
You might have
cost me $500,000.
176
00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:51,600
What are you
doing here?
177
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:54,834
Collecting smells
for the poor.
178
00:09:54,868 --> 00:09:56,400
You have so much.
179
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:58,999
Couldn't you please spare some
for those poor unfortunates
180
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:01,600
who have no odor
to call their own?
181
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,767
Peg, this is not
helping Lancelot.
182
00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:07,667
Marcie, I'll call you
when we're done.
183
00:10:07,701 --> 00:10:09,467
So you better run home
and get by the phone.
184
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,500
It'll be ringing
in about a minute.
185
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,700
Let's go, baby.
186
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:18,200
Well, what's wrong,
honey?
187
00:10:18,234 --> 00:10:20,867
Marcie looked at me.
188
00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:24,600
I might be shot
for the night.
189
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:26,700
I need some--
190
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:29,533
I need some incentive.
191
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,033
Incentive.
192
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:32,600
Incentive.
193
00:10:32,634 --> 00:10:34,166
Okay.
194
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,066
We're in
a boxing ring.
195
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,633
You're George Foreman,
and I'm, uh--
196
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:41,233
Oh, no, no, no.
That's my incentive.
197
00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:42,966
Okay. Uh, you want me
to run upstairs
198
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,166
and put on
a garter belt?
199
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,700
Ah...
200
00:10:45,734 --> 00:10:47,467
How about
my short pink teddy?
201
00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:50,201
You're not
helping me, Peg.
202
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:53,834
I need some real incentive.
203
00:10:53,868 --> 00:10:55,667
Okay. Okay, honey,
I got it.
204
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:57,366
Now, just picture this:
205
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,099
you're sitting
on the couch
206
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:01,767
in front of
a big-screen TV.
207
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:05,900
Forty-inch?
208
00:11:05,934 --> 00:11:07,366
I wish.
209
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,067
What?
210
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:15,667
I mean, yeah.
211
00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:16,934
So there you are,
212
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,733
in front
of this big-screen TV.
213
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:23,233
And on top of it is
this nice, shiny VHS.
214
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,834
Just look how clear
that picture is.
215
00:11:26,868 --> 00:11:30,500
Slow down, baby.
Slow down.
216
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:33,300
And every machine
in this house
217
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:38,301
is wired to one
remote control unit.
218
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,834
And that remote
control
219
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:45,134
is yours, big boy.
220
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:50,500
Let's go, Peg.
221
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,966
We got things to do,
eyes to blindfold,
222
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,166
and babies to make.
223
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,166
You know, it may not work
the first time, honey.
224
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,767
I don't care.
225
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:02,966
If it takes a million tries
and a million tears,
226
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,834
that young'un
shall be yours.
227
00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:08,333
And that money
shall be mine.
228
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:09,800
Come on, babe.
229
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,468
Let's go die a little.
230
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,133
"To test for pregnancy,
231
00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:26,333
mix sample A
with reagent B."
232
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:28,800
What's reagent B?
233
00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:31,099
Hi, Daddy.
What you doing?
234
00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:33,767
Uh, nothing you need
to know about, honey.
235
00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:36,368
Oh, a home
pregnancy test.
236
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:39,900
Let me show you.
237
00:12:40,734 --> 00:12:43,834
Now, you just fill
the dropper to the line...
238
00:12:43,868 --> 00:12:47,834
and then shake the mix
with the anti-HCG conjugate.
239
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,733
Put it back
into the stand,
240
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,333
add the litmus key...
241
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:53,200
And if the test area--
242
00:12:53,234 --> 00:12:55,033
not the control area
-- turns blue,
243
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,633
then you have
a positive reading.
244
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:03,633
I, uh...
245
00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:06,533
saw the professor do it
on Gilligan's Island.
246
00:13:08,934 --> 00:13:10,966
Oh, well, that's okay.
247
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,066
Now, it's clear.
248
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:13,266
What does that mean?
249
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:17,567
Well, it means that you
can still take PE.
250
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:20,700
Al.
251
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:23,301
Honey,
my temperature's up.
252
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:24,834
I can't believe it.
253
00:13:24,868 --> 00:13:26,667
Two weeks, and she's
not pregnant yet.
254
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:28,834
It's like having
two menial jobs.
255
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:33,967
Having fun, Dad?
Go on with you.
256
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,733
Any Bundys
get pregnant yet?
257
00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:39,733
Nope.
258
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,966
Good. I still
got a shot.
259
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,999
I just can't believe the babes
haven't been calling though.
260
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,867
I mean, I'm offering
me and a half million.
261
00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:49,333
I mean, I'll even
marry the broad.
262
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:50,733
What more could
a girl want?
263
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:53,567
A spine-crushing accident?
264
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,301
A bald spot?
265
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:58,099
A weekend in Des Moines
266
00:13:58,133 --> 00:14:01,900
with Orville Redenbacher
and his really cool grandson?
267
00:14:08,601 --> 00:14:10,467
I know you're
just kidding.
268
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,667
Because I'm cool.
269
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,633
I am.
270
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:16,533
I know I am.
271
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:19,301
I took the quiz
in Boys' Life.
272
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,033
Come on, Peg!
273
00:14:21,067 --> 00:14:23,133
Tell me what
I wanna hear, baby!
274
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:26,133
Five hundred thousand
dollars, baby!
275
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,101
Half a mil!
276
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,934
What if they do have
another baby?
277
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:35,500
It'll be so confusing.
278
00:14:35,534 --> 00:14:37,567
I mean, what would
that be to me?
279
00:14:37,601 --> 00:14:40,001
A tutor?
280
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:45,233
Well, I hope
they don't do it.
281
00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:49,133
I remember before you hatched,
I used to get some attention.
282
00:14:49,167 --> 00:14:50,934
I like to think that
if you were never born,
283
00:14:50,968 --> 00:14:53,600
that I would have been
the one who was able to read.
284
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:57,334
There, that should
have done it.
285
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:13,066
* He works hard
For the money *
286
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,667
* So hard for it
Honey *
287
00:15:16,701 --> 00:15:17,667
* He works hard *
288
00:15:17,701 --> 00:15:18,867
* For the money *
289
00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:20,166
* So you'd better *
290
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,134
* Treat him right *
291
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:27,200
* He works hard
For the money *
292
00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:30,767
* So hard for it
Honey *
293
00:15:30,801 --> 00:15:32,700
* He works hard
For the money *
294
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:37,800
* So you'd better
Treat him right *
295
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:38,800
* He works hard *
296
00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:40,066
* For the money *
297
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,400
* Hard for the money *
298
00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:43,600
* So hard for it
Honey *
299
00:15:43,634 --> 00:15:44,800
* Hard for it
Honey *
300
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:46,800
* He works hard
For the money *
301
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,066
* So you'd better *
* Better *
302
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:51,800
* Treat him right *
303
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:54,033
* He works hard, hard *
* Hard, hard *
304
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:55,834
* Hard for the money *
305
00:15:55,868 --> 00:15:57,400
* Hard, hard *
306
00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:58,867
* Hard for it
Honey *
307
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:00,800
* Hard for the money *
308
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,366
* So you'd better *
309
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,434
* Treat him right *
310
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,867
* He works hard, hard, hard *
311
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:12,600
* Hard, hard, hard, hard... *
312
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:23,066
Hi, Mom.
313
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:24,066
What are you doing?
314
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:27,033
Uh...
I'm, uh...
315
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,366
taking fertility pills.
316
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,767
There.
All fertile.
317
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:32,066
Where's Daddy?
318
00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:34,066
Oh, uh, he's out back
getting some exercise.
319
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,600
Hm.
320
00:16:48,534 --> 00:16:50,266
Al. Honey.
321
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:53,567
My temperature is higher
than it's ever been.
322
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:57,934
Daddy said he can't
do it anymore.
323
00:16:57,968 --> 00:17:00,233
You're killing him.
324
00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:02,667
Oh, come on, Al.
Just one more time.
325
00:17:02,701 --> 00:17:05,934
You'll never
have to do it again.
326
00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:10,201
Daddy says that he
can "snargly heathe."
327
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,900
Hardly breathe.
328
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:17,800
Al...
329
00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,999
It's half
a million dollars.
330
00:17:21,033 --> 00:17:24,533
You could get cable
with that kind of money.
331
00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:28,134
He says,
"Let's boogie."
332
00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:31,934
Do you want
your Gatorade, Daddy?
333
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,234
Okay.
334
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:44,001
Brace me.
335
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:47,234
God, he's light
as a feather.
336
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:51,999
Hello.
337
00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:54,301
I'm looking for
Mr. Al Bundy.
338
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,301
I was Al Bundy.
339
00:17:57,934 --> 00:17:59,567
I'm personally letting
the heirs know
340
00:17:59,601 --> 00:18:01,133
that the race is over.
341
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,500
Thank God.
342
00:18:02,534 --> 00:18:03,500
Who won?
343
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:04,867
I did.
344
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:06,033
You're not a Bundy.
345
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:07,300
I am now.
346
00:18:07,334 --> 00:18:09,467
Right after the will reading,
I married Eugene.
347
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:12,001
Come, Eugene.
348
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:18,300
This is the product
Stymie, Jr.
349
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:21,099
I got Eugene a kind of
work release program.
350
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,333
And work he did.
351
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:25,133
Honey, I'll--
I'll be out in six years.
352
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:27,133
You-- ? You'll hold the money
for us, won't you?
353
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:29,800
Of course, darling.
354
00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:32,999
Now, just don't get shot
trying to escape or something.
355
00:18:33,033 --> 00:18:35,633
Then what would I do?
356
00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:42,001
So long,
Uncle Eugene.
357
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:43,567
Well,
358
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:44,767
there's another fruitcake
359
00:18:44,801 --> 00:18:46,900
we won't have to
send at Christmas.
360
00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:48,867
Well, at least
it's over.
361
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:49,966
But I don't get it.
362
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,834
A thousand times,
and nothing.
363
00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:54,600
I barely touched her,
and I had you two.
364
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,301
Well, at least
my appetite came back.
365
00:18:57,801 --> 00:19:00,700
Al, it's planting time.
366
00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:04,401
I'd like to plant a shovel
right between her barren eyes.
367
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,333
But first, some food.
368
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:12,767
Then I'll be able to watch TV
sitting up again.
369
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:14,867
Hey,
I remember these.
370
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,066
Tasty, crunchy.
371
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,433
Good for snacking
right out of the box.
372
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:20,400
Daddy, don't
eat those.
373
00:19:20,434 --> 00:19:21,999
Those are
birth control pills.
374
00:19:22,033 --> 00:19:23,867
No, they're not. They're
fertility pills.
375
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:26,633
Mom's been
taking them.
376
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:32,767
Al, I'm waiting.
377
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:37,001
Leave me.
378
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:39,066
Uh, Dad--
379
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,334
Leave me.
380
00:19:44,634 --> 00:19:46,733
Be right there, punny.
381
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:50,166
I- I just wanna check
your last test first.
382
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,101
Gee, I hope
it's positive.
383
00:19:53,868 --> 00:19:56,633
Oh, I have a good feeling
about this one.
384
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:06,333
Oh, for joy.
385
00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:07,966
For joy!
386
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,867
We are blessed!
387
00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:13,133
We're what?
388
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:15,333
We're what?
389
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,166
We did it, babe.
390
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,433
Well, that's
impossible.
391
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,967
That can't be.
392
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,133
I mean, not that I'm
not really happy. I--
393
00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:26,233
Oh, God.
394
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:28,934
Ah, there, there,
my little baby oven.
395
00:20:28,968 --> 00:20:31,400
Don't you ever
touch me again.
396
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:33,300
Oh.
397
00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:36,533
Diapers and doodie.
398
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:38,700
Feed me. Wash me.
399
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:41,600
Unlock my door.
400
00:20:41,634 --> 00:20:45,034
Oh, my life is
truly over.
401
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:48,966
Well, at least
there's the money.
402
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,934
Oh, honey.
I forgot to tell you.
403
00:20:50,968 --> 00:20:54,700
I found out today that
someone beat us to it.
404
00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,500
But, honey,
why should we worry?
405
00:20:59,534 --> 00:21:02,134
We have a love child
on the way.
406
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:06,867
Wouldn't it be great
if we got twins?
407
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,900
I feel fat!
408
00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:13,266
Oh, honey, that means
just more of you to love.
409
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,001
Like 100 pounds.
410
00:21:16,801 --> 00:21:19,700
Gee, I hope you don't get
morning sickness again.
411
00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:23,600
You know. I-isn't it, like,
every day around this time?
412
00:21:23,634 --> 00:21:25,366
Gee, I don't feel
so good.
413
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,999
Ah, it's gonna be
lots of fun.
414
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:30,500
A- and you'll be beautiful,
what with that glow
415
00:21:30,534 --> 00:21:33,467
and the varicose veins, and...
416
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:37,034
your nose swelling up
like a Christmas wino.
417
00:21:37,467 --> 00:21:39,633
But, honey, as I recall,
418
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:42,133
pregnancy was the happiest
time of your life.
419
00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:44,166
Well, that
and the three years
420
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,134
it took you to
lose the weight.
421
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,867
Al, you are a pig.
422
00:21:48,901 --> 00:21:50,266
Yeah, but it won't be me
squealing
423
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:53,167
those 40 hours
during labor.
424
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,533
Wh-- ? What's
the matter, honey?
425
00:21:59,567 --> 00:22:01,066
You look kind
of pale.
426
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:04,134
H- how about some nice
clams and peas?
427
00:22:11,634 --> 00:22:14,767
Eh, tomorrow, I'll shrink
all her clothes.
428
00:22:16,801 --> 00:22:19,800
Oh, mother of God!
429
00:22:22,767 --> 00:22:25,368
Yeah, you can't buy that
for half a mil.1
00:01:14,868 --> 00:01:16,099
All the other parents
2
00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:17,834
are throwing a party
for my soccer team.
3
00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:19,900
All my friends are
having a graduation party.
4
00:01:19,934 --> 00:01:22,433
I deserve it. I graduated.
My soccer team says you suck.
5
00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:24,433
I want a party, now!
I want a party too!
6
00:01:24,467 --> 00:01:28,234
Money, money,
money, money, money!
7
00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:31,934
Mom, Daddy's
gone away again.
8
00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:36,400
Ah, he's just visiting
his retirement property.
9
00:01:36,434 --> 00:01:38,867
Well, how are we supposed
to know? He's always a veg.
10
00:01:38,901 --> 00:01:40,033
It's just as well.
11
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,468
I'm sick of lookin'
at him anyway.
12
00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:52,633
Oh!
13
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:55,368
Oh, Peg, not you.
14
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,867
I was in a hammock,
15
00:01:57,901 --> 00:02:01,533
mourning the anniversary
of your passing.
16
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:03,200
Where were we,
Daddy?
17
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:04,966
See, kids,
it was a dream.
18
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,800
You were replaced
by two six-packs
19
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:08,934
in the refrigerator.
20
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:13,166
Well,
weren't we cold?
21
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:16,368
I was.
You were empty.
22
00:02:17,234 --> 00:02:18,600
Oh, Al,
23
00:02:18,634 --> 00:02:21,166
it's gonna take you 20 years
to pay off that property.
24
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,066
And once it's paid off, I'm
never gonna let you go there.
25
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,300
Come on, honey,
26
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:27,400
take this "How well do
you know your mate?" quiz.
27
00:02:27,434 --> 00:02:28,700
No,
I hate those tests.
28
00:02:28,734 --> 00:02:31,266
They're designed
to bury men.
29
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:32,533
I'm not playing.
30
00:02:32,567 --> 00:02:33,767
Question one.
31
00:02:33,801 --> 00:02:36,266
Okay, you have to close
your eyes for this one.
32
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:39,301
What color is my hair?
33
00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:43,001
Red.
34
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,500
Well, good!
35
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:47,934
Question two:
36
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,966
"Who would you rather
spend the night with?
37
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,800
A, your wife,
or B-- "
38
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:53,500
B.
39
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:03,133
Peggy,
I need some advice.
40
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,468
Can we have
some privacy?
41
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:11,533
Open up, babe.
42
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:14,099
Tell us
what you got.
43
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:15,800
We're here for you.
44
00:03:16,634 --> 00:03:20,400
Well...I went to
a banking seminar this weekend.
45
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:21,999
And I guess
the whole world knows
46
00:03:22,033 --> 00:03:25,033
no one parties
like a banker.
47
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:27,733
Anyway, all I know is,
48
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:30,567
I woke up this morning
with a man in my bed.
49
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:32,200
I don't even know
who he is!
50
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:33,800
Well, that's easy.
He slept with you.
51
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:36,167
He's the stupidest man
on Earth.
52
00:03:39,534 --> 00:03:41,700
Al, we're talking
about sex.
53
00:03:41,734 --> 00:03:45,401
Leave it to those
who do it.
54
00:03:46,234 --> 00:03:47,867
Now, Marcie,
this is serious.
55
00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:50,966
I want you to steady yourself
and concentrate.
56
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,300
Was he any good?
57
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,867
I don't know.
58
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,433
I don't even know
what he looks like.
59
00:03:56,467 --> 00:03:59,167
All right!
60
00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,033
Well,
when I woke up,
61
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,667
his head was buried
in the pillow.
62
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:05,467
But I do know one thing:
63
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,966
Apparently,
I married him.
64
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,133
You got married?
65
00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:10,266
Oh, let's not panic.
66
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,200
If you married
everybody you slept with,
67
00:04:12,234 --> 00:04:15,633
you'd be Mrs. Paperboy,
Mrs. Insurance Man, Mrs. Navy.
68
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:20,934
No, idiot.
Ireallymarried him.
69
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,233
Look at this ring.
70
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,266
And then there's this:
71
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:28,166
"I went to Clyde's No Blood Test
Needed Wedding Chapel
72
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:32,401
And all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."
73
00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:36,633
Oh, God,
it's my husband!
74
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:37,834
Don't tell him
I'm here.
75
00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:40,800
She's here!
Come on in!
76
00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:53,900
I- I saw a woman
come over here.
77
00:04:53,934 --> 00:04:56,234
Are-- ? Are one of you
my wife?
78
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:06,966
All right!
79
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,267
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's go back to bed.
80
00:05:10,067 --> 00:05:12,001
Bye, Daddy.
81
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:13,700
No, no, no, no.
82
00:05:13,734 --> 00:05:15,700
You've made a mistake.
83
00:05:15,734 --> 00:05:17,999
I'm your wife!
84
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:20,567
Now we can go
back to bed.
85
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:22,500
Oh, shut up.
86
00:05:22,534 --> 00:05:24,867
It's me! It's me!
87
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:25,934
You?
88
00:05:25,968 --> 00:05:28,767
Oh, yeah!
I remember you now.
89
00:05:28,801 --> 00:05:30,200
You were the one on top
90
00:05:30,234 --> 00:05:33,166
of the all-girl
banker pyramid.
91
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,366
By the way,
my name is Jefferson.
92
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,966
I'm Marcie.
93
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,300
Yeah, I'm Al.
94
00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:40,433
So now that the Beatles
have been reunited,
95
00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:42,834
you can get the hell
out of here.
96
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:44,767
You know, despite
our rocky beginning,
97
00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:47,500
I've got a really good feeling
about our marriage.
98
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:49,567
What'd you say
your name was again?
99
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:56,800
Peggy,
can I talk to you?
100
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:59,001
Bud,
come here.
101
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,099
We have enough
information
102
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,433
to tell the neighbors now,
don't we?
103
00:06:04,467 --> 00:06:06,800
Tosellthe neighbors.
104
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,600
Do you do nothing
for free?
105
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,867
Peggy, I'm worried.
106
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:17,133
I don't know
my husband.
107
00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:20,467
Who does,
and who wants to?
108
00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:21,667
Face it, Marcie,
109
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:23,633
the average
man-woman relationship
110
00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:26,233
has, tops, three weeks
of happiness.
111
00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:28,166
You know,
it's the happiness you feel
112
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,266
when he still turns
away from you to burp,
113
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,333
rather than turning
towards you and saying,
114
00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:34,401
"Pull my finger."
115
00:06:35,901 --> 00:06:40,166
It's when he at least tries
to hit the toilet.
116
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,533
And when during sex,
you're not lying there thinking,
117
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:46,166
"What the hell
is he doing?"
118
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,667
You know, you're lucky.
119
00:06:47,701 --> 00:06:50,700
Your three weeks of happiness
are ahead of you.
120
00:06:50,734 --> 00:06:52,567
Who cares who he is?
121
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:55,099
Look at him.
He's gorgeous.
122
00:06:55,133 --> 00:06:58,099
I say, saddle up, ride.
123
00:06:58,133 --> 00:07:01,667
And if he breaks a leg,
shoot him.
124
00:07:01,701 --> 00:07:03,733
Now, Jeff,
all kidding aside...
125
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:05,934
run.
126
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:10,133
Run hard, run now,
run silent, run deep.
127
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:13,166
Run like Mexican water
through a first-time tourist,
128
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,133
but the key word here
is"run."
129
00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:19,999
Don't you think
she's cute, Al?
130
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:22,733
Run.
131
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,200
It's just that I can hardly
believe I'm now Mrs...
132
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:28,300
Darling?
133
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:29,867
What's your last name?
134
00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:32,134
D'Arcy.
135
00:07:39,801 --> 00:07:42,834
Marcie D'Arcy?
136
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:46,166
I'm now Marcie D'Arcy?
What have I done?
137
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,667
Maybe I should
start wearing
138
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,700
little dresses
with dots on them.
139
00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:53,099
Oh, what's the matter, Marcie?
140
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:55,099
Well,
aside from the fact
141
00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:58,567
that I now have the name
of a cartoon character,
142
00:07:58,601 --> 00:08:01,600
I'm married and I don't
even remember the wedding.
143
00:08:01,634 --> 00:08:04,834
You remember this,
don't you?
144
00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:13,999
Oh, Al.
145
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:15,767
Mmm.
146
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:21,867
Oh, Al!
147
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:24,934
Oh, Al!
148
00:08:24,968 --> 00:08:26,433
Oh, please.
They're two drunks
149
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:28,966
who haven't brushed
their teeth yet.
150
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,066
Cut that out you two.
151
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:33,233
We don't do that
in our house.
152
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,600
I refuse to let strangers
153
00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:37,533
lay their vile customs
at our doorstep.
154
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:41,667
And the Yankees
take the field.
155
00:08:41,701 --> 00:08:43,767
You know what
I was just thinking?
156
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:46,266
That hangovers
do come true?
157
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:47,867
No, actually, I was thinking
158
00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:50,366
if you wanna have a wedding
to remember, let's have one.
159
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,667
Let's have the grandest wedding
we can afford.
160
00:08:52,701 --> 00:08:54,033
Yes, let's!
161
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,767
I have $2,000 saved.
162
00:08:55,801 --> 00:09:00,066
Okay. And, uh, let's see, that
brings us to a total of, uh...
163
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,900
$2,040.
164
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,333
We can book a hall.
165
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:25,934
Oh, no.
You can't book a hall.
166
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:28,099
I won't hear of that.
How impersonal.
167
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:30,867
You'll have your wedding
in God's cathedral:
168
00:09:30,901 --> 00:09:32,667
our backyard.
169
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:36,333
Your backyard
is Buck's toilet.
170
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:40,966
No,yourbackyard
is Buck's toilet.
171
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,066
Now, what do you say?
172
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,834
I don't know.
173
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,300
Do you think
we can trust them?
174
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,567
Of course.
They look...
175
00:09:50,968 --> 00:09:54,033
Perfectly trustworthy to me,
and besides,
176
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,600
it's a closer trip
to the honeymoon suite.
177
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,468
Come on,
let's pace it off now.
178
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:07,600
Two thousand dollars
buys a lot of dreams, eh, babe?
179
00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:14,834
Oil you up again, ma'am?
180
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:17,233
I'm sorry your husband
fell into that volcano
181
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:20,500
so he couldn't enjoy Hawaii.
182
00:10:25,434 --> 00:10:28,600
They sure are a-bitin',
eh, Mr. Bundy?
183
00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:32,700
Too bad the wife
did a header into that quarry.
184
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:36,567
She sure would have loved
your retirement property.
185
00:10:38,234 --> 00:10:40,033
Oh, Al.
186
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:42,734
Oh, Peg.
187
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:48,400
Yeah, I want to cater
a wedding.
188
00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:50,233
Um, I'm expecting
about 60 people,
189
00:10:50,267 --> 00:10:53,733
so I'll need about
two pounds of cold cuts.
190
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:56,467
Yeah,
what's your cheapest price?
191
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,934
Uh-huh.
192
00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:03,400
And what kind of animal
would that be?
193
00:11:03,434 --> 00:11:06,800
Well, at 12 cents a pound,
it's pretty steep.
194
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:10,368
Anyway, could you throw
in some beaks and claws?
195
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:12,834
You got a deal.
196
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,066
Hi, Al.
197
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:21,033
Did you know there's
a little rain cloud
198
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:23,133
that only hangs
over your house?
199
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:27,166
Yeah, it showed up
after the kids were born.
200
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,400
What can I do for you?
201
00:11:28,434 --> 00:11:31,999
Listen, Al, if Marcie should
come by asking for me,
202
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,166
would you tell her I went out
to buy her a gift, okay?
203
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,767
You're running, huh?
204
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:38,834
It's never quite the same
when you're sober, is it?
205
00:11:38,868 --> 00:11:40,999
No, that's not it, Al.
You see,
206
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:44,600
I just haven't found a way yet
to tell Marcie that...
207
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:47,401
Well, I have to see
my parole officer.
208
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:50,867
You mean, like,
209
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,966
"If there's only a bucket
of beaks at the wedding,
210
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,567
you'll go crazy
and start slashing"
211
00:11:54,601 --> 00:11:55,966
kind of parole officer?
212
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,900
No, I don't want you
to get the wrong idea, Al.
213
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:58,934
I'm not a bad guy,
okay?
214
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,767
I... I just, uh...
215
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:02,633
You know...
216
00:12:02,667 --> 00:12:05,266
I stole a bunch of money
from people who trusted me.
217
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,900
That's all.
218
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:10,066
You're not gonna tell
anybody, are you, Al?
219
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,166
It's not something
I'm real proud of.
220
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,500
Especially since
I got caught.
221
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,233
Well...
222
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:17,700
Jeff,
I'll tell you something.
223
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:19,767
Telling Al Bundy
is just like telling the wind.
224
00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:21,467
Well, thanks, Al.
I appreciate it.
225
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:22,667
That's all right.
See ya.
226
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,301
Go ahead.
Take care.
227
00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:26,900
Peg!
228
00:12:26,934 --> 00:12:28,533
Peg!
229
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:33,834
* I know a secret *
230
00:12:33,868 --> 00:12:35,533
What? What?
231
00:12:35,567 --> 00:12:37,567
Guess who's been
mighty careful
232
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:39,467
not to drop anything
in the shower
233
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:41,300
the last couple
of years?
234
00:12:41,334 --> 00:12:43,999
Who? Who?
235
00:12:44,033 --> 00:12:46,033
Don't tell me!
Don't tell me!
236
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:49,334
Charades!
237
00:12:52,534 --> 00:12:54,200
All right.
238
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:56,133
This is about...
239
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:58,900
our new neighbor...
Jefferson.
240
00:12:58,934 --> 00:13:02,900
Jefferson!
Right!
241
00:13:02,934 --> 00:13:07,500
Now, the second part
is about...
242
00:13:07,534 --> 00:13:12,366
where he was
before he met Marcie.
243
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:17,266
Okay, now,
sounds like...
244
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,934
"Hisson."
245
00:13:18,968 --> 00:13:20,966
Hisson...
246
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,400
Misson...
247
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:24,033
Kisson...
248
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,433
Disson...
249
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,733
You're not listening
to what I'm saying.
250
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:29,567
All right,
now try this.
251
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:32,201
Two syllables.
First word.
252
00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:37,033
What do Jefferson,
Pete Rose,
253
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,700
and your cousin
all have in common?
254
00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:40,867
Prison!
255
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:42,733
Jefferson
was in prison!
256
00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:44,468
Yes!
257
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:51,233
Gee, that's great.
258
00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:52,433
Does Marcie know?
259
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,099
No, and we're not gonna
tell her either
260
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,867
because then she'll
cancel the wedding,
261
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:58,266
and I won't get to pay off
my retirement property.
262
00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,934
You mean our trip
to Hawaii.
263
00:13:59,968 --> 00:14:01,867
Yeah.
264
00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:03,733
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
265
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:06,467
Oh, kiss me, you fool.
266
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,001
Mmm-mwah.
267
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,633
Get your rice!
268
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:16,267
Get your wedding rice
here!
269
00:14:18,601 --> 00:14:19,800
Get your rice!
270
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:20,900
Al.
271
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:22,834
Honey, what is Bud's
soccer team
272
00:14:22,868 --> 00:14:25,099
and Kelly's model friends
doing here at the wedding?
273
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:27,400
Oh, I had to cut a deal
with the damn kids.
274
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:28,800
They said they'd
spill the beans
275
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,333
if I didn't
give 'em a party.
276
00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:32,500
They blackmailed me, Peg.
277
00:14:32,534 --> 00:14:34,867
This lack of ethics,
278
00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:35,867
where does it come from?
279
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:38,600
Well, I blame it
on TV myself.
280
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:41,999
You don't think this is gonna
cut into our profit, do you?
281
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:45,867
That's why I eliminated
some of Marcie's guests.
282
00:14:45,901 --> 00:14:47,500
Where's my mother?
283
00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:50,900
She won't be here,
284
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,567
and you should hear this
from a friend:
285
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,934
She doesn't love you
anymore.
286
00:14:53,968 --> 00:14:55,999
Get your red hots here!
287
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:57,266
Well,
and where's Aunt Mary?
288
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,867
Mary, Mary, Mary...
289
00:14:58,901 --> 00:14:59,999
Oh, she got got snowed in.
290
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,233
She lives in Phoenix.
291
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,166
Oh, yeah. that was Ida
who got snowed in.
292
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,834
No, Mary's the one
who, uh...
293
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:05,834
Who died.
294
00:15:05,868 --> 00:15:08,700
Get your wedding pretzels!
295
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:14,966
Welcome to my wedding.
296
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,267
Are you a friend
of the groom's?
297
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:22,700
Al, I think Marcie's
getting suspicious.
298
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:24,099
We better get
the show on the road
299
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:25,567
and get me to Hawaii.
300
00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:27,733
I wanna be there
for the running of the Samoans.
301
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:29,368
Okey-dokey.
302
00:15:31,033 --> 00:15:32,667
Well, what's that?
303
00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:34,999
That's the reverend.
304
00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:36,633
That's Captain Hank.
305
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,333
See, a lot of these
Church-affiliated,
306
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:39,467
land-lovin' reverends
307
00:15:39,501 --> 00:15:41,633
want money to perform
a wedding ceremony.
308
00:15:41,667 --> 00:15:42,867
But not old Captain Hank.
309
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,934
You give him a bottle
of redeye and a Playboy,
310
00:15:44,968 --> 00:15:47,101
and he'll marry
your mother to a cow.
311
00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:55,467
Retirement Property One
to Garbage Scow Toxica.
312
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:57,368
Come in.
313
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,166
Toxica here, Al.
314
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,467
We're heading
into a squall.
315
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:03,166
Let's kick this wedding
into gear, huh?
316
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,366
All right, everybody?
Take your places.
317
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,900
Places, everybody.
318
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:10,900
Where's Reverend Applebee?
319
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:13,934
Uh, he had an exorcism
in Akron. Let's go!
320
00:16:13,968 --> 00:16:15,600
Let's go!
321
00:16:15,634 --> 00:16:18,033
Daddy, this is
the bestest graduation party
322
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,467
a girl ever had.
323
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:21,034
Thank you.
324
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:26,600
She's so dumb she doesn't
even know she's at a wedding.
325
00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:28,700
Are you sure you spent
326
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:30,600
the whole $2,000
on the wedding?
327
00:16:30,634 --> 00:16:31,633
You can look at all this
328
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:34,267
and ask me a question
like that?
329
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,301
Well, the bridesmaid's
in place.
330
00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:49,033
That's not my sister.
331
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,567
Hey, unlike your sister,
332
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:52,366
at least he cares enough
to be here.
333
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,001
Now, bring on
the orchestra!
334
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:02,401
* Fun *
335
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,567
Honey,
enough of the music now.
336
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:10,633
Jefferson, Jeff--
Come this way.
337
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:14,101
You two approach
the speaker.
338
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,834
Captain Hank,
you still there?
339
00:17:18,033 --> 00:17:20,633
Yeah, but we're
takin' on water here.
340
00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,033
Have the couple join hands.
341
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:25,300
They're already
joined, Hank.
342
00:17:25,334 --> 00:17:27,533
Do you take this woman
to be your wife?
343
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:28,900
I- I do.
344
00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:29,900
I can't hear ya.
345
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:31,600
He did, Hank!
346
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,800
Now the broad.
Do you take-- ?
347
00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:37,368
I would now like to read
a poem I wrote to my love.
348
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:40,966
Jefferson
My sudden love
349
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,867
My love so true
My shining--
350
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:44,366
Can't hear ya, hon!
351
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,900
I do!
352
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,400
I now pronounce you--
353
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,033
Damn it, we just hit
a speedboat.
354
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,233
You're now
husband and wife.
355
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:54,034
Full astern.
Let's get outta here!
356
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,033
You may now
kiss the bride.
357
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:05,567
I may now
kill the host.
358
00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,333
This is the worst day
of my life!
359
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:09,600
Where are my guests?
Where's the photographer?
360
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:13,234
I-- I did better than that.
I got a wedding artist. Bud.
361
00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:27,700
Copies will take
a couple of weeks.
362
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,467
Al Bundy,
you will pay for this!
363
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:32,966
You're a cheat,
a thief and a liar!
364
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,266
Well, now...
365
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,700
Would it make you
feel any better
366
00:18:35,734 --> 00:18:37,066
if I gave you
a wedding present?
367
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:39,834
Well, it's a start.
368
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,667
Okay.
369
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:44,101
Your husband
was in prison.
370
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:53,099
You were in prison,
and you didn't tell me?
371
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,533
Well, I think it's time
to go to the airport.
372
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:59,234
Kids, turn on the sprinklers.
Wedding's over.
373
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:04,067
Son!
374
00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:09,533
You're looking at
the official owner of lot 31,
375
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:10,733
right across the highway
376
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:14,034
from a view of
Lake Chicamocomico.
377
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:15,966
Cool, Dad.
Where's Mom?
378
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,166
She's at the airport.
379
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,366
Oh, don't worry,
she can earn enough to get home.
380
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,500
She took her accordion
with her.
381
00:19:23,868 --> 00:19:25,266
Where's your sister?
382
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,567
Oh. She went to Wisconsin
with the bikers.
383
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,967
Okay.
384
00:19:30,033 --> 00:19:30,999
Al?
385
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:32,467
Hey, Jefferson.
386
00:19:32,501 --> 00:19:33,900
Where's the blushing bride?
387
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:35,266
She's jabbing a fork
388
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,900
into the eyes
of the little groom
389
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:39,133
that was on top
of our wedding Twinkie.
390
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:40,133
Ah.
391
00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:43,033
Good. Good, good, good.
392
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,999
Son, now look here.
393
00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:47,099
These giant
redwood trees?
394
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:48,633
They're over
a thousand years old.
395
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,266
I'm gonna cut me
one of these down,
396
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,667
use it for the base
of my satellite dish.
397
00:19:52,701 --> 00:19:55,166
Listen, Al, I just stopped by
to thank you
398
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,467
for utterly betraying
my trust.
399
00:19:57,501 --> 00:19:58,834
It was malicious
and foul,
400
00:19:58,868 --> 00:20:01,066
but I think it's gonna turn out
to be a blessing.
401
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,800
I mean, it helps
get our marriage off
402
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:05,400
to a honest, healthy,
harmonious start.
403
00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:07,033
Jefferson D'Arcy,
404
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:11,633
get your lying,
inmate ass over here now!
405
00:20:16,901 --> 00:20:18,266
Oh, no.
406
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,333
You know, in prison
I could have had her silenced
407
00:20:20,367 --> 00:20:22,133
for three cigarettes.
408
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:23,233
Oh, well.
409
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:24,700
Wait. By the way,
Mr. D'Arcy,
410
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:25,966
What were you in for,
anyway?
411
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,233
Nothing big.
412
00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:32,433
Just a scam to sell plots around
this toxic little waste pond
413
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,500
called Lake Chicamocomico.
414
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,800
The place
is so contaminated
415
00:20:42,834 --> 00:20:44,366
it won't be safe
for habitation
416
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,301
till the year
5 million.
417
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,934
Now, it hit the news
four years ago.
418
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,233
Would you believe it?
419
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:54,267
Some of the truly stupid are
still sending in payments.
420
00:20:55,934 --> 00:20:57,533
Ah, stupid.
421
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:23,834
Well, it beats going to Hawaii
with your mother.
422
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:29,533
And what's 5 million years
in the, uh...
423
00:21:29,567 --> 00:21:32,567
scheme of the life
of one man?
424
00:21:32,601 --> 00:21:34,333
Well, Dad,
425
00:21:34,367 --> 00:21:35,867
you always got
your dreams.
426
00:21:35,901 --> 00:21:37,867
Yeah, right.1
00:01:15,601 --> 00:01:16,966
Well, all right, Mom.
2
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,700
I guess we've talked about
everyone we care about, heh,
3
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:22,201
so there's no one left
to talk about.
4
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:24,667
Al?
5
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,600
Al who?
6
00:01:28,801 --> 00:01:30,600
Oh. Oh, Al.
7
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:33,900
Well, he's mad because
there's a streetlight out
8
00:01:33,934 --> 00:01:37,099
and there's a pothole right
in front of the driveway.
9
00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:41,266
Yeah, so naturally, I have to be
alert for when he comes home.
10
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:44,266
Well, when he beeps his horn,
I'm supposed to run out there
11
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:45,800
and shine this flashlight
12
00:01:45,834 --> 00:01:48,134
so that
he doesn't hit the pothole.
13
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:54,700
No. I don't mind doin'
those little things for him.
14
00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,900
You know, I mean,
he is my husband.
15
00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:07,733
Well, Mom, I better be goin'.
16
00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:09,834
Al will be home any minute.
17
00:02:10,367 --> 00:02:12,434
Okay. Bye.
18
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:29,934
Hi, honey.
19
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:32,266
Why'd you bring the steering
wheel into the house?
20
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,934
Well, I figured since it isn't
attached to the car anymore,
21
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:38,034
I thought maybe you'd like
to cook it up for dinner.
22
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:39,500
By the way...
23
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,600
I beeped, you know.
24
00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:43,700
Liar.
25
00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:45,467
You know,
you always do that,
26
00:02:45,501 --> 00:02:47,800
say you did something
when you really didn't.
27
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,368
And it's not
just sex either.
28
00:02:52,601 --> 00:02:54,033
Peg, when you married me,
29
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:57,233
was it premeditated
or a drive-by marriage?
30
00:02:57,267 --> 00:02:58,867
What difference
does it make?
31
00:02:58,901 --> 00:03:00,300
I missed.
32
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:02,333
Well, look, at least,
did you call the city
33
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:04,433
and tell them about
the pothole and the light?
34
00:03:04,467 --> 00:03:06,633
Al, I told you
I would do that
35
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:08,667
when I got off the phone
with Mom.
36
00:03:08,701 --> 00:03:10,633
I asked you that
this morning.
37
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:13,533
Well, I just got off
the phone with her.
38
00:03:14,334 --> 00:03:17,066
Thank you, my little
"air ball at the buzzer."
39
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,500
Thankfully,
I anticipated
40
00:03:19,534 --> 00:03:22,834
your chimpanzee-like
attention to detail,
41
00:03:22,868 --> 00:03:24,633
and I composed
this little letter
42
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:25,934
to the city.
43
00:03:25,968 --> 00:03:28,999
Well, gee. Where'd you
find time to do that?
44
00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:31,834
Wasn't today "Dusting
the Black Loafers" Day?
45
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,667
Ah, homework.
Can a man have too much fun?
46
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:37,533
Now, tell me
how this sounds.
47
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,767
See, the key to dealing
with the city is that
48
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:42,233
you have to subtly influence
their way of thought
49
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:45,834
by using the most
diplomatic language.
50
00:03:45,868 --> 00:03:49,034
"Dear maggots and
foul bureaucrats...
51
00:03:49,934 --> 00:03:52,001
...I pay taxes."
52
00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:55,567
They'll never check.
53
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:58,600
"You grafting pigs use my money
to wine and dine cheap bimbos,
54
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:02,366
"never once thinking to share
them with the rest of us.
55
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,133
"So please fix the hole
in my driveway
56
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:05,600
"and the streetlight
above it,
57
00:04:05,634 --> 00:04:07,233
"and for
the thousandth time,
58
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:08,233
"please...
59
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:11,101
"annul my marriage.
60
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:15,101
Signed, a voter."
61
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,633
They'll never check.
62
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:31,334
Mom, Dad, I am in love.
63
00:04:34,434 --> 00:04:37,099
He is the greatest guy
that I have ever met.
64
00:04:37,133 --> 00:04:38,300
Oh, right.
65
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:40,934
That's why
you're home at 9:00.
66
00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:43,633
Well, he likes to get me home
because he is a gentleman.
67
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:46,900
And he cares about me
because I am a nice girl.
68
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,467
Kelly, it's not that
we don't believe you,
69
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,700
it's just that...
we don't believe in love.
70
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,468
That's why
our marriage works.
71
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,201
That's enough
now, Peg.
72
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:08,267
Oh, but, honey,
maybe love will work for you.
73
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,700
Go ahead,
tell us all about him.
74
00:05:11,734 --> 00:05:14,166
Well, there isn't
really much to tell.
75
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,301
A- a-a-ahem, a-a-ahem, a-a-ahem.
76
00:05:19,634 --> 00:05:23,500
Once again my dear sister
is prone to understatement.
77
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:25,999
But if you want
this reporter's opinion,
78
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:29,334
I shall now open
the bidding at, uh, $10.
79
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:33,667
Shut up, Bud.
He's not that old.
80
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,133
Okay.
Spill your guts.
81
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,334
He's 41.
82
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:50,600
You are dating a man
old enough to be my father?
83
00:05:52,901 --> 00:05:55,567
Peg, she's not
dating Lincoln.
84
00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,600
Now, pumpkin, sit over
here next to Daddy.
85
00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:05,167
Honey, just how much
have you loved this man?
86
00:06:05,934 --> 00:06:09,099
Daddy, you know I'm not
that kind of girl.
87
00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:11,434
A- a-a-ahem--
88
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,700
Ahem...
89
00:06:15,267 --> 00:06:17,066
Now, don't get
the wrong idea.
90
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,500
He's not like you.
91
00:06:18,534 --> 00:06:21,433
He's a young 41.
92
00:06:21,467 --> 00:06:23,233
I mean, he can still
get out of a chair
93
00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:27,167
without going,
"Ugh, agh, ugh."
94
00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:30,467
And he's
really sweet.
95
00:06:30,501 --> 00:06:32,533
You know
what he calls me?
96
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:34,633
His "little
squeeze toy."
97
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,366
Gee, I'd love
to meet him.
98
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,500
You'll be nice to him,
won't you, Daddy?
99
00:06:46,534 --> 00:06:47,767
Uh, don't worry, pumpkin,
100
00:06:47,801 --> 00:06:49,633
I'll show him
the same kind of respect
101
00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:52,066
that any father would
show a 41-year-old man
102
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,133
who dates
his teenage daughter.
103
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:57,533
Daddy,
you're the best.
104
00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:02,133
Now, look, I've been on hold
for three hours,
105
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:05,468
listening to the Muzak version
of "Muskrat Love."
106
00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:10,233
Now, I voted for Mayor...
107
00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:12,934
McCheese
or whatever his name is...
108
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,900
...and I will wait no longer.
109
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,533
Now, I have a streetlight out
and a pothole.
110
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:20,567
I want you to put down
your nail polish
111
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:24,301
and sashay
your fat bureaucratic behind...
112
00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:29,767
That's right,
your fat bureaucratic behind
113
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:30,999
into His Honor's office
114
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,066
and you tell him
that Al Bundy is on the--
115
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,267
Hello?
116
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:42,233
Hello, operator?
This is Al Bundy.
117
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:43,266
I would--
118
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,267
Hello?!
119
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,966
Am I truly nothing?
120
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,067
Could the neighborhood children
be right?
121
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,066
Gee, what's
the matter, honey?
122
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,667
Well, I called
the mayor's office,
123
00:07:57,701 --> 00:07:59,366
and as soon as I told them
I was Al Bundy--
124
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,201
Where's the TV Guide?
125
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,300
Oh, honey,
126
00:08:05,334 --> 00:08:07,400
that's probably Kelly
with her new boyfriend.
127
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:10,633
Come on. Take care of him fast,
like you do me.
128
00:08:15,934 --> 00:08:18,300
Mom, Dad?
This is Harry.
129
00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:20,001
Kill him, honey.
130
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,166
I didn't know
Kelly had a sister.
131
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,368
Oh. Wait a second.
132
00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:28,334
Towel off, Peg.
133
00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:30,966
Hi, Harry. Uh...
134
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,400
Would you
lift your chin up
135
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:34,667
and move it slightly
to the right, please?
136
00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:37,166
You know, you got quite
a pothole in front, Al.
137
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,300
Yeah, I know. It's just
about to be filled.
138
00:08:39,334 --> 00:08:42,067
Why don't you let me
take care of it for ya?
139
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,366
This is Harry Ashland.
140
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,567
Look, there's a pothole
141
00:08:48,601 --> 00:08:51,200
in front of 9764 Jeopardy Lane.
142
00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:53,633
I want it fixed right away.
143
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,266
Consider it taken care of.
144
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,767
Yeah, right.
145
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:00,834
I been callin',
I been writin' letters.
146
00:09:00,868 --> 00:09:03,434
There's no way in the world
the city's gonna be--
147
00:09:08,334 --> 00:09:09,900
Hey, look,
everybody.
148
00:09:09,934 --> 00:09:12,567
It's the city.
They're workin'.
149
00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:14,400
Peg, they're fixin'
my pothole.
150
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,233
They must've got
one of my letters!
151
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:18,401
I knew I could do it!
152
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,667
Have a banana, Al.
153
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:22,999
How'd you do that?
154
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:24,266
I'm an alderman.
155
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,500
That's a priest.
156
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:31,500
No, actually, it's like
a city councilman.
157
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:35,234
Well, then, why did you want me
to call you "Father"?
158
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:43,201
Never mind that now.
159
00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:45,966
Wait a second.
I recognize this guy.
160
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,166
Hey, you're the guy
161
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,366
everyone says is gonna be
the future mayor.
162
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,300
Well...
Uh, gee, Al...
163
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:53,200
don't ya think it might be
against the law
164
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:55,934
to go beatin' up somebody--
Shut up, Peg.
165
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,999
Harry...
166
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,300
I got a streetlight out.
167
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:01,867
I'd hate to bother you
with it now,
168
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,600
but what the heck,
we're almost family.
169
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:04,600
Here, sit down.
170
00:10:04,634 --> 00:10:06,700
Peg, our finest
glass of Kool-Aid
171
00:10:06,734 --> 00:10:08,800
for the future mayor here.
172
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:11,567
Al, can I see you
for a second?
173
00:10:11,601 --> 00:10:13,200
I'll be right back.
Um...
174
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:16,267
Play with
our daughter.
175
00:10:16,868 --> 00:10:18,266
Kelly!
176
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,368
Dance for the man.
177
00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:22,767
What? What?
178
00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:24,099
You know,
I cannot believe
179
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,667
that you would put a pothole
before your daughter.
180
00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:28,966
Peg, we can always
have another daughter.
181
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,400
But as we both know,
182
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:32,934
this is the car I'm gonna have
for the rest of my life.
183
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,300
I must protect it.
184
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,400
Besides, this guy's
gonna be mayor.
185
00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:38,266
And if Kelly gets
in good with him,
186
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:42,200
who knows, maybe someday I'll
be the future mayor-in-law. Huh?
187
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:43,767
Think about it,
anything I want.
188
00:10:43,801 --> 00:10:46,033
Huh, Peg? Free doughnuts,
free parking.
189
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:48,134
Just like the police!
190
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,099
Well, we could speed
and make U-turns.
191
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:54,233
And litter.
192
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:55,934
And park
in the handicapped zone!
193
00:10:55,968 --> 00:10:57,767
Oh, Al.
194
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,033
Mom, Dad,
what do you think?
195
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,133
Isn't he great?
196
00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:02,733
We're gonna
go out now, okay?
197
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:05,333
Not dressed like that
you're not.
198
00:11:05,367 --> 00:11:06,867
Just a second.
199
00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:13,300
There you go.
200
00:11:13,334 --> 00:11:15,067
That's better.
201
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:23,600
Thank your husband
for getting our sewer fixed.
202
00:11:23,634 --> 00:11:25,733
It is a pleasure
to serve our neighbors.
203
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,266
Oh...
204
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,834
Ahhh...
205
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:36,266
You know...
206
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:37,667
it's amazing.
207
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:39,133
The city has
fixed the hole,
208
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,667
fixed
the streetlight,
209
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,333
picked up
our garbage,
210
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,934
planted the grass,
211
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:45,033
trimmed the hedges
212
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,533
and your daddy's
nose hairs.
213
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:51,500
And it's incredible
we have Kelly to thank.
214
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:53,366
You know,
all these years,
215
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,266
we thought that you would be
the success in the family.
216
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,867
Boy, was I wrong.
217
00:12:00,501 --> 00:12:02,900
Well, gee, maybe I should
throw on a pair of Speedos
218
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:05,767
and parade around
in front of Sandra Day O'Connor.
219
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:07,966
Hey! It might mean a condo
220
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,600
by the White House
for the family.
221
00:12:09,634 --> 00:12:11,066
Would that
make you guys proud?
222
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,999
Oh, we're proud
of you, uh...
223
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:16,800
uh...
224
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:18,667
Help me out here.
225
00:12:18,701 --> 00:12:19,934
Bud.
226
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:21,767
Yeah, whatever.
227
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,166
Here's my little girl.
228
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,700
Mom, I'm going out
with Harry.
229
00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:33,300
Uh, not dressed like that
you're not.
230
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:34,934
Come here.
231
00:12:34,968 --> 00:12:36,934
Let's see.
232
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:41,034
There.
233
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:42,400
That's better.
234
00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:43,900
Bye, Mom.
235
00:12:43,934 --> 00:12:45,667
Oh, uh, Bud,
236
00:12:45,701 --> 00:12:47,800
keep gettin'
those good grades.
237
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,468
It'll really pay off
in the real world.
238
00:12:53,601 --> 00:12:55,200
Ohhh...
239
00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:56,567
My little girl.
240
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,200
And to think,
because of her,
241
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:01,500
we may one day be living
in the mayor's mansion.
242
00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:03,200
Come on, he's not
gonna marry Kelly.
243
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:05,333
There's more to being
the mayor's wife
244
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:08,233
than dancing around
naked on tables.
245
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:10,200
Now, Bud,
don't be jealous.
246
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:12,166
You're both
our children.
247
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,900
It's just that Kelly's
our favorite now, that's all.
248
00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:33,567
Hi, Peggy. We were wondering
if we could speak with Al.
249
00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:34,999
Well, I don't know.
250
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:36,300
He's been awfully busy.
251
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:37,767
Oh, please.
He's done so much
252
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,700
for everyone else
in the neighborhood.
253
00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:41,366
If he could spare us
a little time.
254
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,233
Please,
please, please?
255
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:46,567
I'll speak to you.
256
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:35,067
Peg, picture, please.
257
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:42,166
Oh, Al.
Please help us.
258
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,400
The paperboy
shows us no respect.
259
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:45,999
Well, we've complained,
260
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,133
but still he throws our paper
in the sprinklers,
261
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:50,467
crushing the flowers
we planted with care.
262
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:53,800
He responds to our threats
with the bird.
263
00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:59,533
W- we have nowhere else
to turn, Al.
264
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,301
You never come
to me as a friend.
265
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,066
When your wife
baked a pie,
266
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,900
I got no slice.
267
00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:13,734
Now you want a favor.
268
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,533
We were wrong.
269
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,134
We want your friendship.
270
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:29,533
It is well-known when I get
food, I can deny no favors.
271
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,467
What can I do for you?
272
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:35,300
We seek no more
than justice.
273
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:36,800
An eye for an eye.
274
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:38,700
Kill him.
275
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:42,033
This does not seem fair
but, rest assured,
276
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:44,700
your paper will be on your porch
in the morning.
277
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:46,966
But remember...
278
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,467
someday I may ask you
for a favor.
279
00:15:49,501 --> 00:15:52,033
This day may never come,
but...
280
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:54,101
we both know
it probably will.
281
00:15:56,634 --> 00:15:57,700
When this day does come,
282
00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:00,201
you will respond
in true friendship.
283
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,267
Yes, Al.
284
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,633
Gee, that wasn't humiliating
or anything.
285
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,200
Well, what's
the difference?
286
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:18,201
That 12-year-old punk
is gonna get what he deserves.
287
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:22,333
Al, don't you think
you're carrying this thing
288
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:25,033
a little too far?
289
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,934
Never ask me
about my business, Peg.
290
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:33,400
But this thing
about the neighbors
291
00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:34,567
bringing over food--
292
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:37,333
Small potatoes, Peg.
293
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:39,133
What are you
saying, Al?
294
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:41,266
I'm saying pass
the small potatoes
295
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,468
Mrs. Ricketts
brought me.
296
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:48,633
I love these things.
297
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:51,200
Besides, Bundy favors
won't be comin' this cheap
298
00:16:51,234 --> 00:16:52,834
for very long, Peg,
299
00:16:52,868 --> 00:16:55,966
because the city shoe contract
is up for bid,
300
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,266
the meter-maid shoes,
301
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:01,266
and I, thanks to Kelly,
got the inside track.
302
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,099
Oh, Al.
303
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,900
You didn't come up with an idea
on your own, did you?
304
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:07,300
I did.
305
00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:10,433
I bought 10,000 pair
of meter-maid shoes.
306
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:11,467
I talked to Harry.
307
00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:13,733
The contract is
practically mine.
308
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:17,600
You're looking at the meter-maid
foot king of Chicago, baby.
309
00:17:21,767 --> 00:17:24,134
Excuse me, Mom...
310
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:27,033
but 10,000
meter-maid shoes?
311
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,600
Kelly dating
a smart politician?
312
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:32,033
You guys believing
an idea of this man
313
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,600
is gonna pay off?
314
00:17:33,634 --> 00:17:34,999
I mean,
am I the only one who sees
315
00:17:35,033 --> 00:17:37,434
the emperor has holes
in his underwear?
316
00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:41,567
Bud, I know you've seen
a Bundy failure
317
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:42,834
once or twice before,
318
00:17:42,868 --> 00:17:44,966
but, Bud, this time,
I'm telling you
319
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,333
it can't miss
because, Bud,
320
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:48,567
this time,
it's not just me.
321
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,900
It's me and Kelly.
322
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:57,934
I'll tell you what we'll do,
323
00:17:57,968 --> 00:17:59,099
let's go shopping
324
00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:00,567
and spend
some of that money
325
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,800
that's gonna come
rollin' in.
326
00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:05,567
Well, before we go,
327
00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,966
I guess
what's bothering me
328
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,700
is that no one's including me
in the plans anymore.
329
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:13,067
I mean,
I'm not Fredo.
330
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:16,667
Kelly's Fredo.
331
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:18,401
I'm the smart one.
332
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:21,166
Lately, you guys
have made me feel
333
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,767
like I'm not part
of the family anymore.
334
00:18:25,033 --> 00:18:26,900
So if you'll just
tell me I'm overreacting
335
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:29,800
just a little bit--
336
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,099
I'll tell you this,
337
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:36,700
I'm not letting you
take me fishing!
338
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,533
Look at it, Peg.
339
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:51,533
The Bundy empire.
340
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,166
Tomorrow
we make delivery,
341
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,867
and we pick up
a check for $20,000.
342
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:59,567
Oh, Al.
343
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,301
What's wrong, Peg?
344
00:19:02,801 --> 00:19:04,099
Nothing.
345
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:07,567
I think I just had
my first real orgasm.
346
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:22,900
H- here's your paper,
347
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:25,233
and thank you for not
costing me my job.
348
00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:27,333
What do I owe you?
349
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,600
Oh, nothing, nothing.
350
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,966
I- I paid for your paper
out of my own pocket.
351
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,468
This is good.
352
00:19:35,267 --> 00:19:36,233
Uh...
353
00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:39,468
forgetting something?
354
00:19:47,434 --> 00:19:49,733
A whole buck!
355
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:51,533
Get used to
living like this, Peg.
356
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,533
I'm tellin' ya,
I was born for this.
357
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,567
This is my decade.
358
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:55,900
This is the Bundy decade.
359
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,266
Aw, Al...
360
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,966
Shhh, quiet, Peg.
I'm ruminating.
361
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,066
I'm literally
drunk with power.
362
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,066
Al...
363
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:04,166
Ah, life is good.
364
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,334
But not for me.
365
00:20:07,434 --> 00:20:08,500
Look, Peg.
366
00:20:08,534 --> 00:20:11,368
More pictures on page three.
367
00:20:16,234 --> 00:20:17,733
Guess what, everybody.
368
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:21,066
I am on the front page
of the newspaper.
369
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:22,633
How great is that?
370
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:26,366
There are no words.
371
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,867
Well, you could have
thrown me for a Froot Loop
372
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:30,700
when I heard
he was married, but...
373
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:31,934
I guess the signs were there
374
00:20:31,968 --> 00:20:33,733
if you just know
how too recognize 'em.
375
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,233
The wedding ring,
376
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:39,500
the diapers in the back seat
of the station wagon.
377
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:41,800
The late-night calls from
that crazy woman going,
378
00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:43,400
"Stay away
from my husband,
379
00:20:43,434 --> 00:20:46,133
you homewrecking
little tramp."
380
00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:47,200
Oh, well.
381
00:20:47,234 --> 00:20:48,467
"Case of rum,
case of rum,"
382
00:20:48,501 --> 00:20:51,401
that's
what I always say.
383
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,133
But you'll be
glad to know
384
00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:57,233
that this time,
I am truly in love.
385
00:20:57,267 --> 00:21:00,468
I want you to meet
my new friend, Salt Water.
386
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:05,800
Show Daddy
what you can do.
387
00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:17,234
Can I call you "Dad"?
388
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,066
Isn't he great?
389
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:20,733
And don't worry,
Daddy.
390
00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:23,033
This one is single.
391
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:24,900
Bye.
392
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:34,600
Peg...
393
00:21:34,634 --> 00:21:36,366
I spent
everything we got
394
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,266
on this stuff here.
395
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:40,067
What am I gonna do?
396
00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:41,966
Well...
397
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,200
you could lead
the failure pride parade
398
00:21:45,234 --> 00:21:48,467
atop a float
of meter-maid shoes.
399
00:21:48,501 --> 00:21:49,533
Or...
400
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:51,700
is that getting
into your business?
401
00:21:51,734 --> 00:21:53,200
White crosses, sunlight,
402
00:21:53,234 --> 00:21:55,734
nothin' works on you
anymore, does it?
403
00:21:56,067 --> 00:21:58,233
But I tell you...
404
00:21:58,267 --> 00:22:00,999
there are other forces
at work here.
405
00:22:01,033 --> 00:22:03,800
Other dark, evil things.
406
00:22:03,968 --> 00:22:05,333
If I had my wish,
407
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,600
it would be
to get my hands
408
00:22:06,634 --> 00:22:09,999
on the foul, loathsome demon
that took those pictures
409
00:22:10,033 --> 00:22:13,600
and caused the downfall
of the Bundy family.1
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:26,567
Uh, no, thanks, boy.
I'm not hungry.
2
00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:30,633
Feed me,
you big, rumpled shoe salesman.
3
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:34,200
Yep. Quite a day,
isn't it, boy?
4
00:01:34,234 --> 00:01:36,767
Wife in Wanker County,
visitin' the relatives,
5
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:39,366
and ol' Dad here waitin'
for his favorite dessert
6
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,233
in the history of the world.
7
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,900
Yep, cherry cheesecake
8
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:46,233
from the famous
Chuck's Cheese Bowl.
9
00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:48,433
Can you feel
the excitement, boy?
10
00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:51,967
Feed me.
11
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:53,500
No breakfast for me today.
12
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:55,133
I want the first taste
in my mouth
13
00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:57,166
to be cherry cheesecake.
14
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,300
Yeah, you wouldn't want
that first taste
15
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:02,167
to be toothpaste
or anything.
16
00:02:03,701 --> 00:02:05,300
Oh, Bud,
I'm goin' to work.
17
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,433
Listen, uh, there's somethin'
I need you to do,
18
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:08,966
but I can't think
of what it is.
19
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,200
Feed the dog.
20
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:11,333
Feed the dog.
21
00:02:11,367 --> 00:02:13,099
Feed the dog.
22
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,200
Oh, yeah,
feed the dog.
23
00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:18,533
Yes!
24
00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:20,099
You want some food, boy?
25
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,467
Well, gee,
if you're done
26
00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:24,900
sifting
through your Playboys.
27
00:02:26,701 --> 00:02:29,167
Let's just see
what's in this stuff, huh?
28
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,767
Hm. "Beef byproducts...
29
00:02:33,801 --> 00:02:35,934
"chicken byproducts...
30
00:02:35,968 --> 00:02:39,234
corn meal."
31
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,467
Hey. Hey, stop that!
32
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:52,233
Oh, he's getting germs
all over it.
33
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:55,167
Oh, now it's ruined.
34
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:03,034
Well, you sleep with him,
you might as well eat like him.
35
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:05,133
I--
I wasn't eating anything.
36
00:03:05,167 --> 00:03:09,201
I-- I just thought I--
I heard something.
37
00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:12,967
Can the malarkey. Share.
38
00:03:14,734 --> 00:03:16,467
Well, would you look
at this?
39
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:17,567
This is a lot better
40
00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:21,066
than getting gassed
at the pound.
41
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,066
Listen, Kel,
42
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,633
I'm going
to play some soccer.
43
00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:26,567
Oh, uh, Dad told me
to tell you to feed the dog.
44
00:03:26,601 --> 00:03:30,067
Oh, no,
not the girl!
45
00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:37,033
What was
I supposed to do?
46
00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:40,533
I'm dead.
47
00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:42,600
Let's see.
48
00:03:42,634 --> 00:03:43,800
I woke up,
49
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:45,733
so that's not it.
50
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:48,767
I showered,
brushed, dressed,
51
00:03:48,801 --> 00:03:52,234
came home...
52
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,099
Well, my job's done.
53
00:03:55,133 --> 00:03:56,567
I guess it's time
to go to the mall.
54
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:58,700
Bye, boy.
55
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:00,700
Well, when
the going gets tough,
56
00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:03,633
the tough drink
outta the toilet.
57
00:04:08,701 --> 00:04:10,999
* I was born in the junkyard *
58
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:13,266
* A child of the streets *
59
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,533
* My dinner
Was cats and garbage *
60
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,200
* And other tasty treats *
61
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:20,333
* Police chased and caught me *
62
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:22,500
* I was in the pound alone *
63
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:24,200
* The Bundys came and got me *
64
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:27,167
* Didn't even bring a bone *
65
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,700
* I'm hungry out here *
66
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:33,301
* I ain't talkin' jive *
67
00:04:34,968 --> 00:04:37,767
* I'll eat anything *
68
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:41,001
* Even if it's alive *
69
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,834
* Don't want no fax machine *
70
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:48,166
* Got no use for phones *
71
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,366
* Don't even want
My belly rubbed *
72
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,967
* Just give me
A blood-stained bone *
73
00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:56,767
* I'm starvin' out here, mama *
74
00:04:58,267 --> 00:05:01,334
* Got no food to call my own *
75
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:07,300
* You better watch
Your wives and children *
76
00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:10,468
* I'm out here prowlin'
For a bone *
77
00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:19,200
Hey, the little tramp.
78
00:05:19,234 --> 00:05:21,966
Hey, I bet
you're hungry.
79
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,767
No, I just like
kissin' foreign butt.
80
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,200
How about
some meatball, yes?
81
00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:30,567
Meatballs?
82
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:33,368
Meatballs would
be very nice, sir.
83
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:35,834
Do not feed the dog.
84
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:38,133
It's the boss. Shh.
85
00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:42,099
I'm trying to run
Italian restaurant here.
86
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,067
That's tomorrow's special.
87
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,533
Oh, well,
there's always
88
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:53,233
the soul-food place
up the street
89
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:55,834
run by Koreans.
90
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:59,767
Whoa, mama!
91
00:06:00,801 --> 00:06:04,600
Look at the two pair
of legs on this bitch.
92
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,767
Hey, baby.
93
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,567
Did you get the message
I left for you
94
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:14,167
on the hydrant
down the street?
95
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,500
Oh, God,
not another jerk.
96
00:06:18,534 --> 00:06:19,999
Look,
I have no time.
97
00:06:20,033 --> 00:06:21,934
I'm getting ready
to run into traffic
98
00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:24,099
and kill myself.
99
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:27,633
Whoa, heavy.
100
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:30,533
Hey, uh, you wanna give me
a little somethin' first?
101
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:36,600
You know, that way you can die
with a wag on your tail.
102
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:41,167
I'd rather live.
103
00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:43,834
Well, aren't you
even gonna ask me
104
00:06:43,868 --> 00:06:45,300
why I'm gonna
kill myself?
105
00:06:45,334 --> 00:06:49,767
Uh, with my luck, I get
the one that wants to talk.
106
00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,900
Okay, baby.
What's the problem?
107
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:54,800
No one loves me.
I have no family.
108
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,800
It's tough
out here on the street.
109
00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,200
Uh, yeah, that's too bad.
110
00:06:58,234 --> 00:06:59,966
Hey, listen,
111
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,066
uh, you've got a little piece
of lint on your back.
112
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,366
Want me to get that
for ya? Heh-heh.
113
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:08,200
I'd rather give it up
to Garfield.
114
00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:10,900
Oh, baby, look, uh,
I know what you're thinkin',
115
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:12,767
uh, but I'm no street trash.
116
00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:14,166
I got me a crib
in the 'burbs,
117
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,733
you know?
118
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:16,934
Two bathrooms:
119
00:07:16,968 --> 00:07:19,934
one in the front yard,
one in the back.
120
00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:21,066
Come on, check it out.
121
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,700
Hm, well...
122
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:23,767
All right.
123
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:27,366
But keep it
holstered, okay?
124
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,633
Hey, you got it, baby.
125
00:07:32,334 --> 00:07:33,767
Mmm.
126
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:36,934
Must be jelly 'cause jam
don't shake like that.
127
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:41,900
Daddy, aren't you gonna eat
your burger?
128
00:07:41,934 --> 00:07:43,266
No.
129
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:47,201
I shall not soil my palate
until my cheesecake has arrived.
130
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,433
Can Dad's life
be so empty
131
00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:52,401
that a piece of cheesecake
is this important?
132
00:07:53,033 --> 00:07:56,401
Is this
your first day here?
133
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,201
It's my cheesecake!
134
00:08:06,534 --> 00:08:08,734
What the hell is this?
135
00:08:09,901 --> 00:08:11,433
Aw, look.
136
00:08:11,467 --> 00:08:13,999
Buck brought home
a little girlfriend.
137
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:18,434
No more of Dad's shoe
for you, huh, big boy?
138
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,201
No, from now on,
they're both yours.
139
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,366
Aw, isn't she cute?
140
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,966
My, God, the girl reeks
141
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,167
of construction workers
and peroxide.
142
00:08:36,901 --> 00:08:39,800
It's here! It's here!
143
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:41,433
Well,
we're back.
144
00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:42,567
Yeah,
we got it.
145
00:08:42,601 --> 00:08:44,734
You wouldn't
believe the trouble--
146
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,233
Do you know
what hell we went through
147
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:53,066
to get you that cheesecake?
148
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,333
We had to cut
our honeymoon short
149
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:57,133
so that we could make
a two-day trek
150
00:08:57,167 --> 00:09:00,767
through the dark side
of Wisconsin's cheese country.
151
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:04,733
Livin' off cheese wine,
nibblin' on cheese bread,
152
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:08,500
havin' to make
cheap cheese love.
153
00:09:08,534 --> 00:09:10,900
And we almost got lost
a thousand times.
154
00:09:10,934 --> 00:09:13,700
Well, that's why I sent Peg
with you as a guide.
155
00:09:13,734 --> 00:09:17,133
Yeah, thanks so much for sending
you wife on our honeymoon.
156
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:19,633
Without her playing pinochle
with us every night,
157
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:21,366
we don't know
what we would have done.
158
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,767
Well, she's been beggin'
159
00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:24,366
for a second honeymoon
for years,
160
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,834
so I figured,
better you than me.
161
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,834
Kids...
162
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,834
...here we go.
163
00:09:34,467 --> 00:09:36,166
Yeow! Ugh.
164
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,266
Jeez, there must be
a dead man in there.
165
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,633
Ah, boy, you know there's
no mistakin' real cheese.
166
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,900
And, you know, pumpkin,
they age this cheese six months.
167
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:46,400
Where,
in the belly of a bear?
168
00:09:46,434 --> 00:09:47,967
Ugh.
169
00:09:48,534 --> 00:09:50,034
Let's do it.
170
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:59,533
I'm going in.
171
00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:11,934
This is a horrible hoax!
172
00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:14,834
This isn't an authentic Chuck's
Cheese Bowl cherry cheesecake!
173
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:16,433
You went
to the wrong place!
174
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:19,066
I don't think there are
a lot of Chuck's Cheese Bowls
175
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:21,233
in Tanoose, Wisconsin.
176
00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:25,400
Just a belch and a holler
from Wanker County.
177
00:10:25,434 --> 00:10:27,066
Where we met
so many nice people
178
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:31,700
who said wise things like,
"I gots my own teeth."
179
00:10:31,734 --> 00:10:33,467
Yeah, and, uh,
180
00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:37,267
"I'll trade you my sister
for your Bic lighter."
181
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:41,099
Ah, yes, we had
such a great time.
182
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:42,500
We must show you
the slides
183
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,700
of me getting fondled
at the gas station
184
00:10:44,734 --> 00:10:49,167
by something that
was half-man, half-owl.
185
00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:52,900
Dad, they met
Cousin Hooty.
186
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:58,533
Well, anyway.
187
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:01,101
We saved the receipt
so you could repay us.
188
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,099
All right, I got the money
out in the car.
189
00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:05,099
Good.
190
00:11:05,133 --> 00:11:06,966
Thirty-four, ninety-five?
Right.
191
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,033
We'll make it a nice even $35
for your trouble.
192
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,700
Okay. Thanks a lot.
That would be good--
193
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:22,533
Like I'd really pay
for the wrong cheesecake.
194
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:24,600
Or the right one.
195
00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:27,434
Man, I'm starving to death.
Where's my burger?
196
00:11:30,334 --> 00:11:33,400
Hey, babe, I told you
I'd take care of you.
197
00:11:33,434 --> 00:11:35,266
Now, how about sharin'
some of that burger
198
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:38,900
with your sugar doggie?
199
00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:41,434
I would,
but he's in Mexico.
200
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,567
Come on, let's go play
with the new dog.
201
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:45,767
Did anybody
feed Buck?
202
00:11:45,801 --> 00:11:47,301
Who's Buck?
203
00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:54,101
You dirty son of a...
204
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:58,999
Come here, Buck.
205
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:01,400
Wrong cheesecake.
206
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:02,633
All I want out of life
207
00:12:02,667 --> 00:12:04,433
is a rancid piece
of Chuck's Cheese Bowl
208
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:05,600
famous cherry cheesecake.
209
00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:07,533
Can't even get it.
210
00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:10,233
I'm so depressed.
211
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:13,134
Why can't my life be
as good as yours, boy?
212
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:16,368
Ugh, take a shower.
213
00:12:20,868 --> 00:12:22,600
Well, if this
is Chuck's Cheese Bowl,
214
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:25,099
you should know
what his name is.
215
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:28,600
He was your chef
for 24 years.
216
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:32,800
No, I'm not the IRS.
217
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:37,200
Chitty Chitty Cheese Bang.
218
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,200
In Wisconsin.
219
00:12:39,234 --> 00:12:41,200
Thanks.
220
00:12:41,234 --> 00:12:43,266
I don't care if he was
a war criminal.
221
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:47,133
You had no right
to let him go.
222
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:51,233
Well, he made the best cherry
cheesecake in the free world.
223
00:12:51,267 --> 00:12:53,800
Just tell me
where he went.
224
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,600
Hans?
225
00:12:56,634 --> 00:12:58,533
Oh, it's you, Peg.
226
00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:00,166
Yeah, you miss me?
Yeah, who cares?
227
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,200
I'm busy, all right?
228
00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:04,834
Listen,
you French moron!
229
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:07,266
We saved your cowardly
wine-soaked behinds
230
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,834
in the war!
231
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:10,066
In all the wars!
232
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,767
Every stinkin' war
you ever been in!
233
00:13:12,801 --> 00:13:15,533
Now you tell me where you're
hidin' Hans before I-- !
234
00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:19,166
Hello?
235
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:23,066
They really are rude
to Americans!
236
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,567
Thank you.
Thank you! Thank you!
237
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:29,166
Kelly. Kelly.
238
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,767
I did it. I did it.
I found my cheesecake.
239
00:13:31,801 --> 00:13:33,366
You were doubting me,
but I was right.
240
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,600
There was something wrong
with that cheesecake.
241
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:38,200
See, it was the right place,
but the wrong chef.
242
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:39,900
The chef that made
my cherry cheesecake
243
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:41,400
left Chuck's Cheese Bowl.
244
00:13:41,434 --> 00:13:43,401
Daddy, you're
spitting on me.
245
00:13:44,501 --> 00:13:46,366
You can't me you're not proud
of your old dad.
246
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,400
'Cause I trailed Hans
all over Europe
247
00:13:48,434 --> 00:13:49,966
till I finally found him
in Germany.
248
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,600
See, he had gone there
to die,
249
00:13:51,634 --> 00:13:53,667
but he promised to ship me
one of his cheesecakes
250
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:55,667
if I saved it as a testimonial
to his greatness,
251
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,733
and I agreed, but...
252
00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,334
I'm really gonna eat it!
253
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:14,333
Hey, guys.
254
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:15,333
Watch.
255
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:16,834
This dog can do tricks.
256
00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:18,400
Sit.
257
00:14:18,434 --> 00:14:20,700
Foot.
258
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:22,234
Speak.
259
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:24,700
Hey.
260
00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:25,966
Hey, I can do
all that stuff.
261
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,033
Ask me somethin'.
Go ahead, ask me.
262
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,834
Buck, somersault.
263
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:32,834
Say what?
264
00:14:32,868 --> 00:14:36,633
Gee, why don't you just
ask me to drive a car?
265
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,233
Hey, you want a paw?
I can do that.
266
00:14:38,267 --> 00:14:40,733
Look. Here.
Here's my paw.
267
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,334
Look how stupid
Buck is.
268
00:14:43,601 --> 00:14:45,467
You know, kids, we, uh,
269
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,667
really can't afford
to keep two dogs.
270
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:50,400
Gee, I wonder
which one gets to stay.
271
00:14:50,434 --> 00:14:52,867
Aw, she's so pretty.
Aw, isn't she pretty?
272
00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:53,867
Hey,
273
00:14:53,901 --> 00:14:55,600
anybody want a paw?
274
00:14:55,634 --> 00:14:56,700
A paw?
275
00:14:56,734 --> 00:14:59,600
You know, a paw?
276
00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:08,567
Hey, where's
my slipper?
277
00:15:08,601 --> 00:15:10,233
Where's my Game Boy?
278
00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:11,633
I don't know.
279
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:15,001
I can't find my CD
or my best bra.
280
00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:30,300
There it is.
Buck.
281
00:15:30,334 --> 00:15:33,633
Huh? Huh? What? What, what?
282
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:34,966
That's my slipper.
283
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,133
Bad boy.
284
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:37,133
Wait a minute.
285
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:40,266
I was dreaming
about a roast.
286
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:41,733
Now, somebody set me up.
287
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:43,633
Who could have done this?
288
00:15:48,968 --> 00:15:51,433
Buck, would you like
to come back in now?
289
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,300
And what have we learned?
290
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,700
Th-th-that when you're
frozen solid,
291
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:58,468
you really don't think
about sex that much.
292
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,900
Okay,
you can come back in.
293
00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:03,900
Come on.
294
00:16:03,934 --> 00:16:05,700
Come.
295
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,366
Are you hungry, boy?
296
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:11,200
Yeah, it's a holdover
from a couple days ago.
297
00:16:11,234 --> 00:16:13,600
I'll get you
some food.
298
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:20,800
Is it possible
God's a cat?
299
00:16:20,834 --> 00:16:25,234
Cherry cheesecake
for Herr Bundy.
300
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:30,001
Well, I'm a Bundy,
and I'm here.
301
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:32,333
I'm--
A little bit of French humor.
302
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:33,567
I'll take it.
Yeah.
303
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:35,300
Uh, I'm Hans the chef.
304
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:37,533
I wanted
to deliver this myself
305
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:38,999
so I might
meet the man
306
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:41,900
who loved
my cheesecake so much.
307
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,200
I'm sorry,
but you missed him.
308
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:44,700
He would've loved
to have meet you.
309
00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:46,468
It's very cold out--
310
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:52,767
Ugh, one of Dad's
socks get free?
311
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:54,066
Ugh, I wish.
312
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,500
It's Dad's cheesecake.
313
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:01,033
I had to chase some sissy mary
in short pants
314
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:03,500
off our front lawn.
315
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,800
He was babblin' at me,
callin' me "Hair."
316
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:10,200
So I--
317
00:17:10,234 --> 00:17:12,700
I turned the hose on him.
318
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,567
With the wind chill factor,
319
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,767
he shouldn't make it
to the corner.
320
00:17:18,801 --> 00:17:20,533
What's that I smell?
321
00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:23,468
It's here.
322
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:29,333
I must open it
and let it breathe.
323
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:31,101
Yikes!
Yikes!
324
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:35,700
This is what memories
are made of.
325
00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:37,300
I must fetch
my cheese goggles.
326
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:40,333
Now, you two
may admire it,
327
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,099
but don't touch it.
328
00:17:42,133 --> 00:17:46,633
This cheese means more to me
than both of your lives.
329
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,767
Well, once again,
Dad has gone
330
00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:55,366
where no cartoon character
has dared to go.
331
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,400
Yeah, but he hasn't been
this happy
332
00:17:57,434 --> 00:18:01,033
since Charmin started coming
in an eight-pack.
333
00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:03,834
Well, we better
get out of here.
334
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:05,834
Once Dad cuts
into that cheese,
335
00:18:05,868 --> 00:18:08,966
neither of us will be
able to have children.
336
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,767
Aw, I didn't know you
and your pillow
337
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:13,134
were planning
a family.
338
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,233
Hey.
339
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,500
Hey, look
at that snowman
340
00:18:23,534 --> 00:18:25,834
in front
of the Henderson house.
341
00:18:25,868 --> 00:18:27,166
Looks like
a guy in shorts
342
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,066
givin' our house
the bird.
343
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,667
Wonder
how they did that.
344
00:18:32,701 --> 00:18:35,066
A nice nap.
345
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,266
Gee, that bed
was comfortable.
346
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:38,533
Hey,
you still here?
347
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:41,033
Heh, yeah,
but not for long.
348
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:42,433
The big dumb Bundy
went upstairs
349
00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:43,999
to get my leash.
350
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:45,733
And I think he's takin' me
to the pound.
351
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,999
Aw, the pound isn't so bad.
352
00:18:48,033 --> 00:18:50,066
Somebody'll take you home.
353
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,333
I hear there's a big demand
for 9-year-old dogs
354
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:56,368
who couldn't sit
if they had no front legs.
355
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,133
No doubt about it.
356
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,767
It's you they love.
357
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:01,433
They even got
that cheesecake
358
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:03,700
over there on the table
for you.
359
00:19:03,734 --> 00:19:05,700
I was hoping you'd
let me have a bite,
360
00:19:05,734 --> 00:19:07,966
sort of a last meal.
361
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,567
Hm, I'll tell you what.
362
00:19:09,601 --> 00:19:11,400
You did me a favor
by bringing me here,
363
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:13,099
so I guess
I can do you one.
364
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:14,967
You can watch me eat it.
365
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:26,301
What do you want,
ya dumb-- ?
366
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,033
Hi, Daddy.
367
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:33,700
So now what?
Rub me, wash me, walk me, what?
368
00:19:34,601 --> 00:19:36,867
Daddy?
369
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:38,834
Well, I've tried
to track down Hans,
370
00:19:38,868 --> 00:19:42,333
but nobody seems to know
where he is.
371
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:44,433
Jeez, I'm starving.
372
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:47,200
Nothin' in this house to eat,
not even dog food.
373
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,867
If I had a gun
and a thumb,
374
00:19:48,901 --> 00:19:51,468
you'd be dead.
375
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:56,233
Oh, tramp. No more.
376
00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,733
The boss will be mad.
377
00:19:58,767 --> 00:19:59,934
Okay.
378
00:19:59,968 --> 00:20:03,267
But this is
the last piece.
379
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:18,099
We have nothing. Go away!
380
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,500
And they keep saying
there's no recession.
381
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:25,733
Oh, no,
it's you, huh?
382
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,767
Gee, sorry I didn't
get a chance to say goodbye,
383
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,366
but sound doesn't
really travel well
384
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,267
as high up
as you got tossed.
385
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:35,767
Yeah,
I had it coming.
386
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,500
Well, I'm here
to apologize.
387
00:20:37,534 --> 00:20:39,733
I should have known
you were smarter than me.
388
00:20:39,767 --> 00:20:42,300
After all,
you're a male dog.
389
00:20:42,334 --> 00:20:43,300
Yeah.
390
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:46,099
You got that right.
391
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:48,433
You know, I could have done
those tricks too.
392
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:51,667
I just think
they're...demeaning.
393
00:20:51,801 --> 00:20:53,900
I see that now.
394
00:20:53,934 --> 00:20:55,834
I can't stand
that I hurt you.
395
00:20:55,868 --> 00:20:59,066
The only honorable thing to do
is to end it all.
396
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,834
If you think
of me at all,
397
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:04,333
know that I loved you
just a little.
398
00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:06,333
Arrivederci,
mon amour.
399
00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:08,500
Ohhh, wait.
400
00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:10,533
Come home with me.
I'll sneak ya in.
401
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:12,667
I'll find you some food too.
402
00:21:12,701 --> 00:21:15,266
But this time,
as soon as you eat,
403
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:18,167
I get some heat.
404
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:22,234
You're the boss.
405
00:21:22,868 --> 00:21:24,567
Damn right.
406
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,334
I'm the male dog.
407
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:39,066
* Woman makes you stupid *
408
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:41,233
* Every man's a hound *
409
00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:43,600
* She say
Her love's an ocean *
410
00:21:43,634 --> 00:21:45,934
* Then she pulls you in
To drown *
411
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:48,166
* Woman makes you stupid *
412
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,400
* Always playin'
With your head *
413
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,366
* Next time
You'll be smilin' *
414
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,633
* Is the day
You wake up dead *
415
00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:06,366
* Woman makes you stupid *
416
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,700
* When she show
A little tail *
417
00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:10,066
* I don't know why
We need 'em *
418
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:11,133
* Oh, yeah *
419
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:13,900
* A coffin needs a nail *
420
00:22:40,534 --> 00:22:42,800
* Woman makes you stupid *
421
00:22:42,834 --> 00:22:44,934
* When she show
A little tail *
422
00:22:44,968 --> 00:22:46,467
* I don't know why
We need 'em *
423
00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:47,500
* Oh, yeah *
424
00:22:47,534 --> 00:22:50,368
* A coffin needs a nail *1
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,900
Is it really
gonna happen today, Daddy?
2
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:20,533
Are we really gonna eat?
3
00:01:21,501 --> 00:01:23,033
That we are, kids.
4
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:24,800
And this time
it's no pipe dream.
5
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:26,600
I gave your mother
some money,
6
00:01:26,634 --> 00:01:28,400
towed her car
to the supermarket,
7
00:01:28,434 --> 00:01:31,667
tied her hands--
Tied her hands to the cart,
8
00:01:31,701 --> 00:01:32,934
put my foot on her rear,
9
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:36,767
and jump-started her
towards the meat department.
10
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:38,934
So get ready, kids,
'cause soon our mouths
11
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:42,266
will be alive with dead animals
from every race and religion.
12
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,333
Good.
Mm.
13
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:46,700
You make it sound
so good, Dad.
14
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:48,166
Tell us again
what supper was like
15
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,567
when you were a boy.
Yeah.
16
00:01:49,601 --> 00:01:51,333
Well...
17
00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:53,233
You young'uns never get tired
of hearing it.
18
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:54,233
No, no.
No.
19
00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:55,300
All right.
20
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:57,633
Well, back in the old days,
21
00:01:57,667 --> 00:01:59,633
whenever the sun would go down,
22
00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:01,733
we'd all gather at a table,
much like this one.
23
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,200
Wow.
24
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:06,366
Matter of fact,
it was this one.
25
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,966
And there before us,
26
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,366
stretched as far
as the eye could see,
27
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,667
was meat.
Mm.
28
00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:15,433
Oh, do I remember the meat.
29
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:16,834
I was only 5 years old,
30
00:02:16,868 --> 00:02:18,567
but I remember
my dad telling me,
31
00:02:18,601 --> 00:02:21,999
"Save your table scraps
for Mommy."
32
00:02:22,033 --> 00:02:24,633
Of course we never did.
33
00:02:24,667 --> 00:02:28,933
Oh, look, Dad,
your little boy's eating again.
34
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:32,166
Daddy, who made you
this meat?
35
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,633
Well, back then,
we called her mother.
36
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,834
See, kids, "mother" meant
"home cooking" then.
37
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:39,733
'Course back then,
"gay" meant "happy."
38
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:42,134
Well...
39
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,200
Dad, were there
any vegetables?
40
00:02:45,234 --> 00:02:48,066
Yeah, but we pushed them
off to the side.
41
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,066
Save room for the biscuits
and the butter.
42
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:53,867
And not that hard butter either
that cruelly rips the bread.
43
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:56,966
But soft butter
that spreads smooth
44
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,167
like your grandma's butt
on a barstool.
45
00:03:01,968 --> 00:03:03,566
Mm, mm, mm.
46
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,700
Ooh.
47
00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:41,167
Where's our meat,
woman?
48
00:03:42,501 --> 00:03:45,233
Al, did you get these kids
into a frenzy again
49
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,400
over this eating thing?
50
00:03:47,434 --> 00:03:49,033
You know,
you just won't be happy
51
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:52,367
till I'm as afraid to come home
as you are, will ya?
52
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:57,666
Well, this is a fine
how-do-you-doody.
53
00:03:59,534 --> 00:04:01,900
You with your fairy stories
about meat,
54
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,066
and you,
who goes to the market
55
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:05,567
and brings home what?
56
00:04:05,601 --> 00:04:06,966
Something with letters
57
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,933
that aren't even
in alphabetical order.
58
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,834
Which, I suspect,
are of use
59
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:16,233
for only those
who can read.
60
00:04:16,267 --> 00:04:18,366
Now, we were promised food.
And what do we get?
61
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,200
Just another meatless Monday.
62
00:04:20,234 --> 00:04:23,267
This is no fun day.
63
00:04:24,367 --> 00:04:25,867
It-- It's the meat D.T.'s.
64
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:26,900
Bud,
65
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,433
take your sister
for a walk.
66
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:29,767
And don't tie her
to a hydrant
67
00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:32,233
and go for a soda
like last time.
68
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:35,800
Just 'cause she can't think
doesn't mean she can't feel.
69
00:04:35,834 --> 00:04:39,600
Honey, it'd be good for you
to be seen with a pretty girl.
70
00:04:39,634 --> 00:04:40,966
Yeah, right.
71
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,833
They'll just think I paid
for her like everybody else.
72
00:04:50,701 --> 00:04:53,166
Look.
Buck has a bone.
73
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,600
Oh, God,
it's got meat on it!
74
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,467
Pookie.
75
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:00,934
Yes, honey?
76
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,533
Take all your clothes off
right now.
77
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,333
Oh, baby.
78
00:05:05,367 --> 00:05:07,366
You finally
wanna do it.
79
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,267
No, but I need something
to kill my appetite.
80
00:05:12,267 --> 00:05:15,867
Peg, what did you spend
the $20 on I gave you for food?
81
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:18,900
Well, I ate,
of course.
82
00:05:18,934 --> 00:05:22,266
And then I bought
this magazine, Amazing Homes.
83
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,133
Just look
at this house, Al.
84
00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:25,366
Why can't we have a house
85
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,966
with a name
like Chateau Paradise?
86
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,200
Well,
87
00:05:30,234 --> 00:05:32,266
maybe I'm mismanaging
my $3.20 an hour.
88
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:34,767
Let's see.
89
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,400
Well, I'm sure
that the shoe salesman
90
00:05:38,434 --> 00:05:40,266
that owns
this house is, uh--
91
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,266
Well, wait a minute.
92
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:43,533
No, it's not
a shoe salesman.
93
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:47,033
That's Bob "I'm a zillionaire"
Hope's house.
94
00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:49,533
Oh, wait. Maybe this really
big house is a shoe salesman's.
95
00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:52,933
No, dagnabit.
This is a drug lord.
96
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,867
Gee, I-- I feel so worthless.
You deserve so much more.
97
00:05:57,901 --> 00:06:00,266
I mean, your rear end
should be squashing a couch
98
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,300
much bigger than ours.
99
00:06:02,334 --> 00:06:03,400
Oh, honey.
100
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:05,934
You can be so sweet
when you want to be.
101
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:07,333
But don't feel bad.
102
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,966
I never expected you
to amount to anything.
103
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,733
You know, the guy
I fell in love with
104
00:06:11,767 --> 00:06:13,500
was just a crazy,
carefree guy
105
00:06:13,534 --> 00:06:16,700
with an easy smile
and a fast car.
106
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:19,767
'Course, he wouldn't marry me,
so I took you.
107
00:06:19,801 --> 00:06:22,166
But I've never looked back.
108
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,166
Ooh.
109
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,533
Except when we kiss.
110
00:06:25,567 --> 00:06:27,400
Well, don't look back
the next time I ask you
111
00:06:27,434 --> 00:06:28,999
to open the garage door
for me either.
112
00:06:29,033 --> 00:06:31,300
'Cause if you do, you might see
the mighty Dodge emblem
113
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,234
bearin' down on ya.
114
00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:38,867
Yeah, like I'd really stand
in front of your car.
115
00:06:38,901 --> 00:06:40,366
I'm telling you,
116
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,834
this magazine says
we can have a lovely home.
117
00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:45,633
And it says that
it doesn't cost very much money.
118
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:48,200
All it takes
is a decorator's eye,
119
00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:52,300
which I have,
according to Professor Lavar.
120
00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:55,867
Professor Lavar?
121
00:06:55,901 --> 00:06:57,733
How much, Peg?
122
00:06:57,767 --> 00:06:59,333
You're just
gonna love him, Al.
123
00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:00,633
He is the professor
124
00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:02,999
at the Cook County School
of Interior Design,
125
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:05,366
of which I am now enrolled.
126
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,867
How much, Peg?
Ooh.
127
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:08,600
I feel so good.
128
00:07:08,634 --> 00:07:11,067
Two thousand dollars.
129
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:14,366
I have finally found
my calling,
130
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,300
and I knew you'd be happy
for me, honey.
131
00:07:17,934 --> 00:07:19,633
Honey?
132
00:07:22,968 --> 00:07:24,433
Oh, Al, watch out.
133
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:26,800
Let me get your tongue.
134
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:34,966
You spent $2000
on a decorating school?
135
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,867
Uh-huh.
136
00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:39,166
Well, it must be my fault.
137
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,433
Sure, I'll take the blame.
I didn't have to say, "I do."
138
00:07:43,467 --> 00:07:44,633
I could've just taken
139
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:46,633
one of your uncle's
shotgun blasts in the back,
140
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,533
be done with it.
141
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:52,066
But then, honey, we couldn't
have had that great reception.
142
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:54,333
You know, where your father
whispered in my ear,
143
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,333
"If you like my son,
I'm twice as fun."
144
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,200
Ah...
145
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:02,200
Oh, come on, Al. Go with me
on this decorating thing.
146
00:08:02,234 --> 00:08:04,934
I'm really good at it.
You'll see tomorrow.
147
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:06,200
My homework assignment
148
00:08:06,234 --> 00:08:08,266
is to make one room
in this house
149
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:09,467
breathtakingly beautiful.
150
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:10,467
Peg,
151
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:12,366
this is my house.
152
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:16,000
If you want it
to look better, dust.
153
00:08:18,501 --> 00:08:21,433
If you want it
to smell better, cook.
154
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:25,733
If you want it
to be happy, leave.
155
00:08:28,534 --> 00:08:30,999
But do not touch
this house.
156
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:33,333
I am not a man
happy with change.
157
00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:37,533
Well, that explains your job
and your underwear.
158
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:40,633
Peg, I'm warning you.
159
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,400
Touch not a hair
in this house.
160
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:45,600
Do not redecorate.
161
00:08:45,634 --> 00:08:47,433
I won't.
162
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:49,033
A pox on you.
163
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,566
Like I'd notice.
164
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:05,200
Seems normal.
165
00:09:15,234 --> 00:09:18,334
Yep. Normal.
166
00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:22,134
Let me check upstairs.
167
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:28,800
She listened to me!
It's normal!
168
00:09:33,801 --> 00:09:37,467
Son, I'm glad you're here.
169
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:40,567
I wanna talk to you
about being a man.
170
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:41,633
See, son, a man--
171
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:43,500
I know
what you're getting at.
172
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:47,133
Do you think I want to be
home early on a Friday night?
173
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:50,200
You think I'm not trying
desperately to get a date?
174
00:09:50,234 --> 00:09:51,999
Do you think I like
hearing the chants:
175
00:09:52,033 --> 00:09:54,099
"Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit.
176
00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:55,500
Bud, Bud, will touch no-- "
177
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:58,467
I don't wanna talk about you.
178
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,800
I wanna talk about my great
victory over your mother.
179
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:06,333
Revel with me, son.
180
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:07,934
She listened to me.
I put my foot down,
181
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:09,300
and your mother listened
to me.
182
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,366
And you know why?
183
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,867
Because I am the man.
184
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:16,334
The chief.
The king. The boss.
185
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:23,333
Bob's Big Boy with fries.
186
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:26,567
Extra cheese,
maybe a little bacon.
187
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:28,966
God, I'm hungry.
188
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,266
But anyway, Bud,
189
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:34,467
always remember
that the man is the boss
190
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:37,033
because the man--
And it's proven the world over.
191
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:39,099
Any country you go to,
no matter what it is,
192
00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:42,334
there's always
a word for man.
193
00:10:43,234 --> 00:10:47,334
Dad, are you absolutely sure
you're my real father?
194
00:10:47,968 --> 00:10:49,633
Yes.
195
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:52,767
Don't you know I called
for an immediate blood test?
196
00:10:55,234 --> 00:10:59,033
Son, now I'm going
to go celebrate my victory
197
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:02,800
the way a man
celebrates his victory.
198
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,767
How long was I out?
199
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:38,533
A good 45 minutes.
200
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,200
Why didn't you come get me?
201
00:11:40,234 --> 00:11:43,533
Dad, you're always
in there for 45 minutes.
202
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:45,900
You did 45 minutes
in the bushes one time.
203
00:11:45,934 --> 00:11:49,834
That was the Jenkins' yard.
That was a good spot.
204
00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:53,067
Well, their roses won prizes
that year.
205
00:12:00,434 --> 00:12:02,400
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi, Bud.
206
00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:03,533
Hey, where's Kelly?
207
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:04,800
You know,
we haven't seen her
208
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:06,633
since you took her
for a walk.
209
00:12:09,534 --> 00:12:11,401
So I forgot.
210
00:12:12,734 --> 00:12:14,300
Well, don't worry.
211
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,999
I mean, how much trouble
can she get into
212
00:12:16,033 --> 00:12:17,567
double-knotted
to a telephone pole
213
00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:20,767
in front
of the Pussycat Theater?
214
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,033
Okay, Al.
215
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,800
Now, I know you seen
the bathroom.
216
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:27,033
What do you think?
217
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,433
Well, Peg,
218
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:32,000
it's just like your hair
got larger and became a room.
219
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:34,333
So you like it?
220
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:37,300
Peg, you took
my once-mighty Ferguson,
221
00:12:37,334 --> 00:12:40,834
and you put a little,
pink fuzzy thing on it.
222
00:12:40,868 --> 00:12:43,934
It cried out to me
in its pain, Peg.
223
00:12:43,968 --> 00:12:46,500
It's a toilet, Al.
It can't talk.
224
00:12:46,534 --> 00:12:49,500
Well, I've known it long enough
to know what it's thinking.
225
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:52,166
Now, you've desecrated
the toilet I call home.
226
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,934
Oh, Al.
227
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:55,900
There is plenty of you
left in that bathroom.
228
00:12:55,934 --> 00:12:57,033
Where's my shaving cream?
229
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,966
In the right cup
of the bra rack.
230
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,099
Where's my razor?
231
00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:03,067
In the tampon carousel.
232
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:06,900
Where's my deodorant?
233
00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:10,633
That is a trick question.
You don't use any.
234
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,099
You promised, Peg.
235
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:15,567
Well, I promised not to do
a room in this house.
236
00:13:15,601 --> 00:13:17,533
A bathroom is not a room.
237
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:18,834
Yes, it is a room!
238
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:22,099
"bath-room."
239
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:25,134
From the Greek,
bathroqopolis.
240
00:13:26,968 --> 00:13:29,266
A quiet oasis,
away from camels and women.
241
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:31,567
Now I have to machete my way
through your pantyhose
242
00:13:31,601 --> 00:13:32,900
to use the one upstairs.
243
00:13:32,934 --> 00:13:36,133
Oh. Gee, Al, I don't think
you wanna do that.
244
00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:39,966
You see, I did that one sort of
more like a woman's bathroom.
245
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,133
You know,
it has ballerina faucets
246
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:43,300
and a bidet.
247
00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:46,566
Oh. And a Mel Gibson
shower nozzle. Heh.
248
00:13:47,601 --> 00:13:50,566
It's shaped just
like his head.
249
00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:53,800
God, I feel so clean.
250
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,433
Gee, I-- I hope
Professor Lavar likes it.
251
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,533
Him and the entire class
are coming over tonight
252
00:13:58,567 --> 00:13:59,934
to grade me
on what I did.
253
00:13:59,968 --> 00:14:03,233
But, Peg, now I have no place
to go to the bathroom.
254
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:05,733
Oh, stop whining,
you big baby.
255
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:08,133
Look, why don't you at least
try the new bathroom.
256
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,333
I put a very special
feature on it.
257
00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:11,633
When you flush the toilet,
258
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,933
it plays
"We've Only Just Begun."
259
00:14:14,934 --> 00:14:16,999
Peg, you know that's
our wedding song.
260
00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:20,600
Every time I hear it,
it freezes up my innards solid.
261
00:14:20,634 --> 00:14:23,200
Oh, come on, honey.
262
00:14:23,234 --> 00:14:24,200
Look, just try it.
263
00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:25,633
If you don't like it,
264
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,033
you never have
to do it again.
265
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,300
I've heard that before.
266
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:31,367
If that was true,
explain Bud to me.
Oh.
267
00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:14,267
No! No! Oh!
268
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:22,066
Peg? I tried it,
I don't like it.
269
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:24,099
Change it back.
No.
270
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:28,366
Peg, a bathroom should be
cold, white, soothing.
271
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,934
It should say,
272
00:15:29,968 --> 00:15:32,867
"Step up to the bowl, pardner,
and make it a double."
273
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:39,033
But, Peg,
my toilet's not a man.
274
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:42,633
My Ferguson
has become...Fergie.
275
00:15:43,033 --> 00:15:44,233
Change it back, Peg.
276
00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:45,266
No.
277
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,500
I see we have--
What we have here.
278
00:15:47,534 --> 00:15:49,600
We have a battle of wills.
Well, that's fine.
279
00:15:49,634 --> 00:15:51,600
'Cause I will not bend,
I will not break.
280
00:15:51,634 --> 00:15:54,167
I will not sit,
I will not make.
281
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,767
Was that John Keats?
282
00:15:56,801 --> 00:15:58,334
That was Bundy.
283
00:15:58,701 --> 00:16:00,166
Al Bundy,
284
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,600
man.
285
00:16:01,634 --> 00:16:02,966
And I'm telling you, Peg,
286
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,600
if you don't change
my toilet back,
287
00:16:04,634 --> 00:16:06,633
there are plenty
of single women out there
288
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:09,934
that have just the kind
of bowls I'm looking for.
289
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:12,133
So test me, Peg,
290
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:15,233
and you'll see me sitting
in a bathroom
291
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:16,667
in a penthouse apartment
292
00:16:16,701 --> 00:16:20,467
with a blond with a match
waiting outside the door.
293
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:32,233
Mother-in-law
visiting again?
294
00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:34,066
Yeah. How about you?
295
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,633
My daughter's home
from college.
296
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,367
Ah, that's rough.
297
00:16:37,834 --> 00:16:39,366
Hey, new guy.
298
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,166
What are you in for?
299
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,066
Wife made the bathroom pink.
300
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:45,501
Ho!
Whoo!
301
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,800
Thanks, guys.
302
00:16:58,834 --> 00:16:59,834
What's it like in there?
303
00:16:59,868 --> 00:17:01,999
White, cool,
304
00:17:02,033 --> 00:17:03,266
graffiti disparaging women,
305
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,233
and a couple of boasts
from guys about how long
306
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,867
it would take them
to get Connie Chung pregnant.
307
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:14,401
Hey, you in there.
What'd you do, fall in?
308
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:18,501
Hey, the new guy's funny.
309
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,633
Hey, ya bum.
Ah!
310
00:17:37,801 --> 00:17:39,099
What do we do now?
311
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,567
Well, if you don't mind
the drive,
312
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,733
nothing beats Barney's,
on the Wisconsin border.
313
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:46,100
They don't even have gas pumps
anymore, just acres of toilets.
314
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:48,099
Well, wait a minute, guys.
315
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,800
I know I'm the new guy here,
316
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:52,567
and it's not my place
to speak up, but...
317
00:17:52,601 --> 00:17:54,233
what're we doing?
318
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:55,567
We're men.
319
00:17:55,601 --> 00:17:57,834
We were put
on this planet to--
320
00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,099
Well, I don't know what we were
put on this planet to do,
321
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:01,567
but we're here, damn it.
322
00:18:01,601 --> 00:18:02,999
And we're Americans.
323
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:04,333
And we have a right to use
324
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:06,800
the best toilet system
in the free world.
325
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:09,433
Are we to use a gas station
bathroom like some--
326
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:11,600
Some common Russki?
327
00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:14,200
We're being driven
from our homes,
328
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:15,433
room by room,
329
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:19,233
running like a Frenchman
from a cap gun.
330
00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:21,233
And from whom?
331
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,500
From our women.
332
00:18:23,534 --> 00:18:25,133
They've taken over
our closets,
333
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:28,434
driven us out of our bedrooms
by their very nakedness.
334
00:18:28,934 --> 00:18:30,700
Now, you guys can take it,
335
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:34,233
but not this Yankee
Doody Dandy.
336
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:38,133
Tonight, I'm reclaiming
my toilet bowl.
337
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:41,401
All right!
Yeah!
338
00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:49,166
So, what do we do now?
339
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,966
Well, how bad could it be?
340
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,401
I'm going in.
341
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:04,100
Gee, I've been needing
something for church. Heh.
342
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:11,633
Hi, honey.
343
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:12,966
What are you doing home?
344
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,633
I thought you were
out on the town,
345
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:16,833
marking your territory.
346
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:20,700
Woman, I have come to take back
what is rightfully mine.
347
00:19:20,734 --> 00:19:22,900
My bathroom.
348
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:25,099
Oh, not now, Al.
349
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,633
I'm really nervous.
350
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,999
This is the first thing
I've done that I'm proud of
351
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:32,733
since I got 'em to up
your MasterCard limit to $100.
352
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:36,567
Hello, Mrs. Bundy.
Hello.
353
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,367
Hi.
354
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:41,366
Class...
355
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:46,234
how many decorating
don'ts do we see?
356
00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:54,366
Oh, don't mind him.
357
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,133
He's just choppin' wood
for his dinner.
358
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:59,467
Come upstairs
and see my bathroom.
359
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:02,400
Change it, Peg,
or suffer the consequences.
360
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,366
Oh, what's the worst thing
that could happen?
361
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,933
Ya marry me?
362
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:13,434
Then I have no choice.
363
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:33,966
* Now, on the day
I was born *
364
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,300
* The nurses
All gathered round *
365
00:20:36,334 --> 00:20:38,667
* They gazed
In wide wonder *
366
00:20:38,701 --> 00:20:41,133
* At the joy
They had found *
367
00:20:41,167 --> 00:20:42,966
* The head nurse spoke up *
368
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,867
* Said leave this one alone *
369
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:48,233
* She could tell right away *
370
00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:50,733
* That I was bad
To the bone *
371
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:53,166
* Bad to the bone *
372
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,500
* Bad to the bone *
373
00:20:55,534 --> 00:20:57,999
* B-b-b-b-bad *
374
00:20:58,033 --> 00:21:00,433
* B-b-b-b-bad *
375
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,934
* B-b-b-b-bad *
376
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:05,333
* Bad to the bone *
377
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:07,900
* I broke a thousand hearts *
378
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,099
* Before I met you *
379
00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:12,567
* I'll break
A thousand more, baby *
380
00:21:12,601 --> 00:21:14,999
* Before I am through *
381
00:21:15,033 --> 00:21:17,300
* I wanna be yours
Pretty baby *
382
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:19,700
* Yours and yours alone *
383
00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:22,166
* I'm here to tell ya, honey *
384
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,700
* That I'm bad to the bone *
385
00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:27,033
* Bad to the bone *
386
00:21:27,067 --> 00:21:29,400
* B-b-b-b-bad *
387
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:31,900
* B-b-b-b-bad *
388
00:21:31,934 --> 00:21:34,134
* B-b-b-b-bad *
389
00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:36,800
* Bad to the bone *
390
00:22:08,534 --> 00:22:11,033
* Bad to the bone *
391
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:13,333
* B-b-b-b-bad *
392
00:22:13,367 --> 00:22:15,700
* B-b-b-b-bad *
393
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:18,434
* Whew!
I'm bad to the bone *1
00:01:16,501 --> 00:01:18,667
Do you, Peggy Wanker,
2
00:01:18,701 --> 00:01:22,066
take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?
3
00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:23,533
I do.
4
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:27,166
And do you, Mel Gibson,
take Peggy Wanker--
5
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,200
Oh, he does.
6
00:01:28,234 --> 00:01:30,734
He does, he does.
7
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:39,300
Peg, you'll never guess
what happened
8
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:40,633
at the shoe store today.
9
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,934
Tongue caught in
the shoe sizer again?
10
00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:45,700
You civilians never realize
11
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:48,099
what a highly sophisticated
piece of equipment that is.
12
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,099
All right.
Tell me what happened.
13
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:52,700
Well, you know that new aerobics
center up above me?
14
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:55,600
The one with the sign,
quarter ton discount?
15
00:01:57,267 --> 00:02:00,734
Well, today they played
Van Halen's "Jump."
16
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:05,400
And damned if
the whole herd didn't.
17
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:06,400
It was awful, Peg.
18
00:02:06,434 --> 00:02:07,567
The ceiling opened up,
19
00:02:07,601 --> 00:02:10,433
down they came,
blocking out the sun.
20
00:02:10,467 --> 00:02:13,234
I experienced cellulite winter.
21
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,600
God, the "humongity."
22
00:02:15,634 --> 00:02:17,500
Peg, I could have been killed.
23
00:02:17,534 --> 00:02:18,500
Well,
24
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:19,966
I think you got
what you deserved,
25
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,667
going by there
every morning,
26
00:02:21,701 --> 00:02:24,733
yelling "is that
a Milky Way on the floor?"
27
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:25,767
Hey, hey, hey.
28
00:02:25,801 --> 00:02:26,767
I was helping.
29
00:02:26,801 --> 00:02:27,999
They lost a lot more weight
30
00:02:28,033 --> 00:02:30,200
wrestling with each other
for that imaginary candy
31
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:31,433
than they did twisting
32
00:02:31,467 --> 00:02:33,834
to Hammer's
"Please Don't Hurt Me."
33
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:36,700
But, now, on to
the sadder side of the news.
34
00:02:36,734 --> 00:02:38,266
The shoe store
decided to lay me off
35
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:39,600
while they fix the ceiling.
36
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:40,800
And as an added bonus,
37
00:02:40,834 --> 00:02:42,266
as long as
the store is closed,
38
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,767
I don't get paid.
39
00:02:43,801 --> 00:02:46,066
Oh, my God.
40
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:49,167
Can the economy stand
the hit?
41
00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:52,267
Do you think that you can?
42
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,300
Anyway, don't worry.
43
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:56,867
I told 'em that
I might not be there
44
00:02:56,901 --> 00:02:58,066
when they call me back.
45
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,133
And what did they say?
46
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:01,834
They said that they'd--
47
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:04,900
They'd take that gamble.
48
00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:07,700
Oh, hi, kids.
49
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:09,966
I'm afraid I have
some bad news.
50
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,500
I'm afraid the wacky,
luxurious lifestyle
51
00:03:12,534 --> 00:03:15,099
we've become accustomed to
is no longer.
52
00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:18,733
The Bundys of Bel Air
are no more.
53
00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:21,467
Yes, Daddy's been laid off.
54
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,734
Well, we won't lose Tara,
will we?
55
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,066
Oh, Al.
56
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:34,266
Surely you can see the humor
in a man who makes no money
57
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:37,133
saying he lost his job.
58
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:38,333
Yeah, I mean,
come on, Dad.
59
00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:41,533
That's like Kelly saying
she lost her mind.
60
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,500
I don't get it.
61
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,834
Well, at least this time
it's not just us.
62
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:53,999
Everybody's feeling the pinch
of this recession.
63
00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:55,800
Money's tight all over.
64
00:03:55,834 --> 00:03:58,533
Come see
our matching BMWs.
65
00:03:58,567 --> 00:03:59,700
Well,
66
00:03:59,734 --> 00:04:01,266
they're not exactly matching.
67
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,033
My license plate
says "Love her."
68
00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:06,099
And mine says "Love him."
69
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:07,834
Al, why don't you get
a license plate
70
00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:09,633
that tells the world
how you feel?
71
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:14,034
Because "kill me"
was taken by your father.
72
00:04:15,734 --> 00:04:17,099
Uh, excuse me,
73
00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:19,300
but if only to if only
to rub this in my father's face,
74
00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:20,999
can you tell us
how you can afford
75
00:04:21,033 --> 00:04:22,500
two major cars
like those?
76
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:25,767
Well, as anyone with a little
bit of business savvy knows,
77
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:28,667
these are the times
that make millionaires.
78
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:31,134
And paupers.
79
00:04:31,767 --> 00:04:33,900
Anyway, I-- I can't
go into details,
80
00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:36,567
but through a little inside tip
in the stock market,
81
00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:39,033
I'd say I made
a penny or two.
82
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:43,300
You made $60,000,
you little honey puddle.
83
00:04:43,334 --> 00:04:44,999
I did not.
Did too.
84
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:46,567
Did not.
Did too.
85
00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:48,333
All right.
86
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:50,368
I did.
87
00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:51,834
Oh, yeah?
88
00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:54,400
Well, my Al here
made a penny or two.
89
00:04:54,434 --> 00:04:56,934
Literally.
90
00:04:56,968 --> 00:04:58,800
Of course, his is coming
from unemployment
91
00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:00,900
because he's lost his job.
92
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,166
So do you think you could
loan us a couple of bucks?
93
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,733
You know, just enough
to keep that Mary Kay lady
94
00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:08,767
from breaking my kneecaps.
95
00:05:09,367 --> 00:05:10,867
I can do better
than that.
96
00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:12,567
For as a wise man
once said,
97
00:05:12,601 --> 00:05:15,166
if you want a man to eat,
you don't hand him a fish.
98
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,266
You teach him
to be a fisherman.
99
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,767
So, what do you say, Al?
100
00:05:18,801 --> 00:05:20,166
You wanna come down
to my club
101
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,567
and bus tables
on fish night?
102
00:05:22,601 --> 00:05:24,533
It doesn't pay much,
but no one will be looking
103
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:25,999
if you want to take
a little butter
104
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:27,333
back to the wife
and kids.
105
00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:30,066
Daddy, please, please?
Please, please, Dad.
106
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:33,700
Get away from me,
you pride-less vermin!
107
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,500
I was not born
to be a bus boy.
108
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:39,800
I'm a shoe man,
born and bred, damn it.
109
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,200
And there's not a shoe store
in this town
110
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:45,266
that wouldn't pay
a dollar and a quarter an hour
111
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,133
to have the best.
112
00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:48,366
You hear my words.
113
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,999
I will not let
my family starve.
114
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:53,200
I will not.
115
00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:55,734
We're already starving.
116
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,033
Listen, Dad.
117
00:05:58,067 --> 00:05:59,567
There's something
at the school
118
00:05:59,601 --> 00:06:01,166
that you just might
be qualified for.
119
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,633
What? Principal?
120
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:05,201
Vice principal?
Dean of boys?
121
00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:34,934
Well, security guard's
not too bad.
122
00:06:34,968 --> 00:06:37,333
Got a cool uniform.
123
00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:40,867
A sense of independence,
little stick.
124
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,934
Let all wrongdoers beware.
125
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:47,800
Those who would perpetrate evil,
must answer to me.
126
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:49,567
Al Bundy,
127
00:06:49,601 --> 00:06:52,101
security dude.
128
00:06:57,434 --> 00:06:58,567
Oh, God,
129
00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:01,600
this can't be happening
to me!
130
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:06,200
Can this be true?
131
00:07:06,234 --> 00:07:09,734
Am I not a man
I laughed at as a child?
132
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,033
Hi, Dad.
133
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,034
Oh. Hi, son.
134
00:07:24,734 --> 00:07:26,500
It's not the way it looks.
I was just, uh,
135
00:07:26,534 --> 00:07:29,267
crying on the floor.
136
00:07:30,501 --> 00:07:32,533
Yeah, Dad, I know.
137
00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:34,900
Thought we were going
to a club.
138
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:36,834
And remember our deal.
139
00:07:36,868 --> 00:07:39,133
We go, you pay.
140
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,500
If I don't find anybody cool,
141
00:07:40,534 --> 00:07:44,034
I'll come sit next
to you for a while.
142
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,401
Dad, this girl
really likes me.
143
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,034
Can I have some money?
144
00:07:51,901 --> 00:07:53,467
Son, I know you see
the uniform,
145
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:55,333
and you think, uh,
another millionaire
146
00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:57,099
working school security
for kicks.
147
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,600
But, uh,
148
00:07:58,634 --> 00:08:00,999
once I wore
a different uniform.
149
00:08:01,033 --> 00:08:03,133
A prouder uniform.
150
00:08:03,167 --> 00:08:05,433
Once, I roamed
these halls like a king.
151
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:06,834
Dad, please.
152
00:08:06,868 --> 00:08:09,333
Look at that trophy
over there, son.
153
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:12,166
Polk High,
city championship, 1966.
154
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,400
I won that baby.
155
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:16,700
I still remember the day.
156
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,166
Not the story.
157
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,533
It was the last game
of the year.
158
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:24,567
Polk High versus
Andrew Johnson High.
159
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:27,334
Two great teams
of equal strength.
160
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,468
Dad, she's not wearing
a bra.
161
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,133
Finally, we met on
the field of battle.
162
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:37,033
Came down
to two great players.
163
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,733
Yours truly,
164
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:43,500
and a guy from Andrew Johnson
High they called "Spare Tire."
165
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:45,033
Why, because he was fat?
166
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:48,900
No. Because he wore one
with a chain around his neck.
167
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:50,133
Anyhow,
168
00:08:50,167 --> 00:08:53,033
finally, it came down
to the final seconds.
169
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:54,733
Scoreless game.
170
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,567
We had the ball
on the 6-yard line.
171
00:08:57,601 --> 00:09:00,233
They said, "Give
the ball to Bundy."
172
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:02,133
Everyone knew
I was getting it.
173
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,533
Hut one!
174
00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:05,533
Hut two!
175
00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:08,200
I got the ball, and I went
through that line
176
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:11,767
like Grandma through
a herd of cattle.
177
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:15,033
I was going
for a sure six--
178
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:17,400
when all of a sudden,
on the 1-yard line,
179
00:09:17,434 --> 00:09:21,066
loomed Spare Tire,
waiting for me.
180
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:24,301
We collided like
two bull elephants.
181
00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:26,667
When it was over,
182
00:09:26,701 --> 00:09:29,967
they were shouting only
one elephant's name.
183
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,134
Al Bundy.
184
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:36,034
I scored, son.
185
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,167
The winning touchdown!
186
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:46,001
Son...
187
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,500
that's the story
188
00:09:47,534 --> 00:09:51,368
of the greatest sport moment
in all of history.
189
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,333
You know, Dad,
190
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,400
some say your knee was down
before you crossed--
191
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:57,533
My knee was not down!
192
00:09:57,567 --> 00:10:00,633
That's a dirty,
stinking lie!
193
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,533
The victory was ours.
194
00:10:03,234 --> 00:10:05,800
For the school,
the championship.
195
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,700
For me?
196
00:10:07,734 --> 00:10:09,633
All-city.
197
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:12,001
And the legend.
198
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,800
And your mother.
199
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:18,334
The end.
200
00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,567
Oh, God!
201
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:26,900
You know, when my dad
got like that,
202
00:10:26,934 --> 00:10:29,434
we shot him.
203
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:31,999
You thought
he was my father?
204
00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:34,500
Heck, no,
Dad's his name.
205
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,900
You know, like, uh,
Pops the janitor?
206
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:39,434
Dad the security guard?
207
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:43,667
I'm telling you,
h- he's not my father.
208
00:10:43,701 --> 00:10:47,533
Does the term "sympathy feel"
mean anything to you?
209
00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:56,867
Oh, what the hell.
210
00:10:58,167 --> 00:11:00,334
All is well.
211
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:05,400
Oh, I guess it's time
for a little...
212
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:07,201
security-guard break.
213
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:32,200
* I'm a travelin' man *
214
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:35,300
* Made a lot of stops *
215
00:11:35,334 --> 00:11:37,099
* All over the world *
216
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:41,767
* And in every port, I *
217
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:45,001
* Meet one lovely girl *
218
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:53,034
Yeah, this john ain't so bad.
219
00:11:57,667 --> 00:12:02,266
* All but one man died *
220
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:06,900
* There at Bitter Creek *
221
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:12,200
* And they say he ran away *
222
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:13,200
* Branded! *
223
00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:16,900
* Scorned is the one who ran *
224
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:18,934
* What do you do
when you're branded *
225
00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:22,167
* And you know you're a man? *
226
00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:25,600
* Wherever you go *
227
00:12:25,634 --> 00:12:27,533
* For the rest of your life *
228
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:31,600
* You must prove *
229
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:35,134
* You're a man *
230
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:33,333
Gee, honey.
231
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:35,834
Think you might change
your shirt today?
232
00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:37,867
Why bother?
233
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:40,867
What can I do
when I'm branded,
234
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:43,900
and I know I'm a man?
235
00:13:45,834 --> 00:13:48,099
I must find my bowl.
236
00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:50,133
Oh, honey, you do
the best you can.
237
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:51,633
It's just that
it's dark at night,
238
00:13:51,667 --> 00:13:52,834
and you get groggy, and--
239
00:13:52,868 --> 00:13:53,867
Not that bowl,
240
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:57,401
you whinnying
ninny of a woman.
241
00:13:58,767 --> 00:14:00,800
My championship bowl.
242
00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,867
If only I had a clue.
243
00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:07,134
Get that, will you, Peg?
244
00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:14,200
Gee, Al.
245
00:14:14,234 --> 00:14:16,334
It's a note.
246
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:18,500
"If you want the trophy,
247
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:20,934
"come to Johnson High
at 8 tonight.
248
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:24,266
"Alone, or the trophy dies.
249
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:27,301
P.S. You stink."
250
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,600
Gee, honey, this must be
someone who knows you.
251
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:35,834
Peg, this sounds like
the clue I'm looking for.
252
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:38,468
This man sounds
like he knows something.
253
00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:42,334
I'm going after him, Peg.
254
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:46,201
I might not be coming back.
255
00:14:46,701 --> 00:14:47,900
Oh, honey,
256
00:14:47,934 --> 00:14:49,767
please come back.
257
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:52,333
You're worried about me,
aren't you, babe?
258
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:55,567
'Course, I'm worried.
259
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:56,966
Tomorrow's garbage day.
260
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,468
I'm not getting up early
to lug it out.
261
00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:15,034
You.
262
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,667
Spare Tire Dixon.
263
00:15:38,534 --> 00:15:41,233
Why'd you do it?
264
00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:44,401
Why'd you steal my trophy?
265
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:48,333
I took it
because it belongs to me.
266
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:50,567
That was
our championship.
267
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:53,600
You never made it past
that goal line.
268
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:57,633
I dropped you
like third-period French.
269
00:15:58,501 --> 00:15:59,800
Your knee was down.
270
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,200
Was not!
Was too!
271
00:16:01,234 --> 00:16:02,200
Was not!
Was too!
272
00:16:02,234 --> 00:16:03,200
Not!
Too!
273
00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:04,734
Not!
Too!
274
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:08,468
Wait a second,
what were we talking about?
275
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,066
Um...
276
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,533
Let's see,
I didn't get no dinner.
277
00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:14,500
Took the bus.
And I had come
through the door.
278
00:16:14,534 --> 00:16:16,867
Damn kids took
the car.
Ran out of gas.
279
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:18,567
Oh, yeah.
280
00:16:18,601 --> 00:16:20,066
Trophy!
281
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,733
The trophy you
cheated me out of.
282
00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:24,834
Should've been mine,
Bundy.
283
00:16:24,868 --> 00:16:26,867
Headline should've read,
284
00:16:26,901 --> 00:16:32,334
"Spare Tire crushes unidentified
white man at goal line."
285
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,600
I was supposed to play
college ball.
286
00:16:35,634 --> 00:16:37,266
But it never happened.
287
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,834
You know why?
288
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,368
You're too stupid?
289
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:43,834
No.
290
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:45,500
It was because
after that game,
291
00:16:45,534 --> 00:16:47,900
I fell into
a deep depression.
292
00:16:47,934 --> 00:16:50,366
And I turned where
too many kids before me
293
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,500
turned to drown
their sorrows...
294
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:54,034
pie.
295
00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:57,033
Come tryouts,
296
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,400
I could no longer get
in a three-point stance
297
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:02,867
unless there was
a pie on the floor.
298
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:05,099
My career was over.
299
00:17:05,133 --> 00:17:07,633
You stole the glory
that should have been mine.
300
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:09,867
I had a little bit of glory,
yeah, but you had pie.
301
00:17:09,901 --> 00:17:12,900
And I haven't eaten
in 19 years.
302
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:17,400
I'd give you that trophy
right now for a piece of pie.
303
00:17:17,434 --> 00:17:21,633
So pardon me if I don't
cry for you, Argentina.
304
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,767
But I sell women's shoes,
and I'm married.
305
00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:25,900
Oh, yeah?
306
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:27,600
Well, I'll bet
your mother-in-law
307
00:17:27,634 --> 00:17:29,334
doesn't look like this.
308
00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:39,333
No. My mother-in-law
looks like this.
309
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:41,867
Okay, okay.
310
00:17:43,133 --> 00:17:45,467
Let's talk quality
of life.
311
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:48,700
Let's talk my best pair
of socks.
312
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:53,433
Nice try, Spare Tire.
313
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:55,999
But get a gander
at my best socks.
314
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,034
Whoa!
315
00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:04,767
Now...
316
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:07,433
step aside.
317
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:09,966
'Cause I'm taking that trophy
back where it belongs.
318
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,133
To Polk High.
319
00:18:11,167 --> 00:18:14,033
And not for me,
but for the children.
320
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,600
So they can look
at that trophy
321
00:18:15,634 --> 00:18:19,401
and know that they too
can peak at 17.
322
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:22,434
Gimme my trophy.
323
00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:25,467
You want that trophy?
324
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:28,500
Well, here's how
you can get it.
325
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,934
There's the line, Bundy.
326
00:18:32,968 --> 00:18:35,633
The only way
you're taking this trophy
327
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:38,700
is by getting past me.
328
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,133
Come on, Bundy.
329
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:54,334
On the count of three.
330
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:59,434
Three.
331
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:11,434
Let's rock.
332
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:32,500
Nice run, Bundy.
333
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,133
Nice-- Nice hit,
Spare Tire.
334
00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:40,934
We were two pretty good athletes
back then, weren't we?
335
00:21:40,968 --> 00:21:44,134
Hey, we're still
great athletes!
336
00:21:44,901 --> 00:21:47,900
I'm hurt real bad,
you know.
337
00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:51,468
Me too.
338
00:21:51,868 --> 00:21:53,400
I can't get up.
339
00:21:53,434 --> 00:21:55,434
Me neither.
340
00:21:57,267 --> 00:21:59,267
Sleepy time now?
341
00:22:00,868 --> 00:22:02,667
Oh, yes.1
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,500
Ah!
2
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:28,934
The ever-lilting fragrance
of"Eau deBring 'Em All On."
3
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,667
Must be Friday, Kel,
'cause if it was Saturday,
4
00:01:33,701 --> 00:01:35,900
it would be
"Essence de Free Clinique."
5
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,533
Gee, Bud, it's date night.
6
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,433
Shouldn't you be upstairs
practicing your French kissing
7
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:46,001
on your stuffed
Ninja Turtle doll?
8
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,033
Saying...
9
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:51,234
"Oh, Donatello,
your shell is so soft."
10
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:55,667
Aren't we testy?
11
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:56,700
Ah.
12
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:58,733
Could it be that, uh,
your date isn't
13
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,533
the only thing
that's late?
14
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:06,034
He'll be here.
15
00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:08,400
I've had guys crawling
on their bellies
16
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:11,500
out of flaming auto wrecks
to go out with me.
17
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,834
Kelly...
18
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,099
...you might as well hear it
from someone who loves you.
19
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,867
You're hagged out.
20
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,600
Finished. Over.
21
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:26,700
But keep
your chins up, Kel.
22
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:29,533
Plenty of guys
will still call you.
23
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:32,201
They'll just call you,
"Hey, waitress."
24
00:02:32,734 --> 00:02:34,401
"Hey, you
with the broom."
25
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:37,166
"Hey, thief."
26
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,001
Oh, save it,
zit-tac-toe.
27
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,333
Your words
fall off me
28
00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:44,600
like water off
a duck's quack.
29
00:02:45,567 --> 00:02:48,133
Now, there is nothing wrong
with a guy being a little late.
30
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:50,001
Doesn't mean anything.
31
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:52,333
Kelly, you're home.
32
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:54,099
Oh, my God.
33
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,999
You've been stood up.
34
00:02:56,033 --> 00:02:57,366
Oh.
35
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,667
My poor baby.
36
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,033
I'll tell you what.
37
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:03,900
We'll get some Ovaltine,
watch the Home Shopping Network,
38
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,734
and I'll order you
a Clapper.
39
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:11,900
Hi, Al.
40
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,999
Honey, Kelly's been stood up.
41
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,401
Must bring back memories
for you, huh, Peg?
42
00:03:24,033 --> 00:03:28,033
Anyway, I was driving home--
God knows why
43
00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:30,400
-- and hear this old song on
the radio that I used to love,
44
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:31,667
but I can't remember the name.
45
00:03:31,701 --> 00:03:33,733
Now, why is it whenever
a song comes on the radio,
46
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:35,433
and you're waiting
to hear them name it,
47
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,767
it's always number six
of 40 in a row?
48
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,700
Well, stick
with it, honey.
49
00:03:39,734 --> 00:03:41,467
You figured out how
to flush the toilet,
50
00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:43,567
you'll figure
this one out.
51
00:03:43,601 --> 00:03:45,400
This is a burning question
of our time,
52
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,266
and I will not have it
trivialized by a woman
53
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,533
who thinks the TV show
Hunter is engrossing.
54
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,033
Anyhow, the DJ
finally comes on,
55
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,500
and instead of telling me
the name of my song...
56
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:58,600
he goes on and on about some
massive pile-up on the freeway.
57
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:01,134
"Twelve dead, 12 dead."
58
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,467
Then he kicks off
about 500 in a row
59
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:08,266
with Bobby Goldsboro's musical
sphincter lock known as"Honey."
60
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:12,767
Oh, God.
61
00:04:12,801 --> 00:04:15,200
This is what it's like being
home on a Friday night?
62
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:17,200
Bud, Bud.
Come here.
63
00:04:17,234 --> 00:04:18,700
Now, listen to this
very carefully
64
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,800
and tell me the name
of the song.
65
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:24,234
* Hm-hm-him *
66
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,133
I don't know what it is, Dad,
but if you get the name,
67
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:34,433
me and the gang would
sure like to boogie to it.
68
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:35,533
Get out of
my way.
69
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,166
Peg.
70
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,533
Peg, you're old.
You know it.
71
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,700
* Hm-hm-him *
72
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,067
Clip your nose
hairs, Al.
73
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:49,733
When you were
humming,
74
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:50,834
it looked like
a squid
75
00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:53,533
was trying to reach out
and grab the kids.
76
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:57,667
Gee, none of my,
uh--
77
00:04:57,701 --> 00:05:00,733
None of my family was
any help to me. How unusual.
78
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,033
Al, must we be
the spit bucket
79
00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:04,667
in the early-round
knockout
80
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:06,600
that is
your life?
81
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:09,633
As usual, you need
professional help.
82
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:14,767
So why don't you just call
the oldies station, K-Fossil...
83
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:16,266
and ask the DJ?
84
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:17,834
I already called.
85
00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:19,999
I got Rick Cool
himself.
86
00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:21,333
Gee, Rick Cool,
huh?
87
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:23,967
Did Bobby 23 Skiddoo
quit?
88
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:27,867
Al, the suspense
is boring us.
89
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,166
Tell us
what he said.
90
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,500
He said:
91
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,667
"The colors. The colors.
92
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:34,800
Has anybody seen
my good friend John?"
93
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,267
And he lit up a banana.
And then he hung up.
94
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:41,700
* Hm-hm-him *
95
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:45,333
Damn! Right on the tip
of my tongue.
96
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,567
Well, then it doesn't
have long to live.
97
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,633
I must have that song.
98
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,800
Maybe it's on the B-side
of a record I already have.
99
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:56,300
Peg, where's
my record collection
100
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:57,999
that I spent
my entire youth building?
101
00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,200
Well, they were
cluttering up your closet,
102
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:03,134
so I moved them downstairs
next to the furnace.
103
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:07,667
Good thinking.
104
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,667
Because nothing brings out
the luster of original records
105
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:14,267
better than intense,
searing heat.
106
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:19,201
Lousy, redheaded,
life-sucking mosquito.
107
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,533
That's my date,
tell him I am not home.
108
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:29,900
Why don't you
tell him?
109
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,101
Good idea.
110
00:06:37,334 --> 00:06:38,633
I am not home.
111
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:41,767
Oh. Then is it okay
if I wait?
112
00:06:46,501 --> 00:06:48,067
Mom.
113
00:06:48,868 --> 00:06:51,934
If my "mixed-up at the hospital"
theory is correct...
114
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:54,700
I'd say we just found
Kelly's natural brother.
115
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,834
So just where were you
116
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,400
while I was wasting
my life away with my family?
117
00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:04,600
Well, I wanted to
get you something nice.
118
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,867
Garfield Spoils the Picnic.
119
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:13,033
That crazy cat gets
into everything,
120
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:15,734
from the potato salad
to the sack races.
121
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:23,101
No boy's ever brought me
literature before.
122
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:29,600
"Say it with words."
123
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:34,999
I just have to
get my bag.
124
00:07:35,033 --> 00:07:36,300
Oh, by the way,
125
00:07:36,334 --> 00:07:37,567
this is my mom
126
00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:40,700
and, uh...the troll
that lives under our house.
127
00:07:42,901 --> 00:07:44,800
Well, it's nice
to meet you.
128
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:46,533
And, uh...
129
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,934
Excuse me, sir,
I was just wondering...
130
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,167
Doesn't it get lonely
under the house?
131
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,600
Um...
132
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,900
Not when you have
a bell and a hat.
133
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,166
Hi. I'm Peggy. And I know
what you're thinking.
134
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,533
How could a woman barely
out of high school herself
135
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:14,900
possibly be the mother
to a teenage daughter? Heh-heh.
136
00:08:14,934 --> 00:08:16,633
Actually, I was
wondering if
137
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,834
we had trolls
under my building.
138
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,166
I mean,
sometimes I hear noises.
139
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:27,001
My dad says it's the pipes,
but now I wonder.
140
00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:33,266
Look.
141
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,633
I am not a troll.
142
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:36,767
I'm a boy, you idiot.
143
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,600
Well, I-- I just
"poured" through
144
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:52,967
my record collection,
literally.
145
00:08:56,868 --> 00:08:58,734
Uh, hi, Mr. Bundy.
146
00:08:59,734 --> 00:09:00,767
Vinnie.
147
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,500
Vinnie Verducci,
Charlie's boy.
148
00:09:02,534 --> 00:09:03,834
Peg, you remember
Charlie.
149
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,400
Charlie. You met him
at our wedding.
150
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:08,201
Oh, yes. A lovely man.
151
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:09,934
When you see your father,
152
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:13,067
ask him if he's done with
my mother's cigarette lighter.
153
00:09:13,868 --> 00:09:17,099
You know, in defense of your
father, she was bending over.
154
00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:19,500
He might have thought that,
you know, someone had left it
155
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:21,468
in the folds of a couch.
156
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,600
Bud, you oughta start
hanging around with this guy.
157
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:31,067
The girls can't keep
their hands off him.
158
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:32,533
What brings you here?
159
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,101
He's taking Kelly out.
160
00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:38,067
Touch her, and I'll hang
you with your own colon.
161
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,400
Hey, Kel, come here.
162
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:44,201
Five bucks says this guy
won't even touch you.
163
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,433
You're on.
164
00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:50,267
No guy has ever gone out
with me and not touched me.
165
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:53,134
Vinnie, I'm ready.
166
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,900
* Hm-hm-him *
167
00:10:05,868 --> 00:10:08,101
* Hm-hm-him *
168
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:11,333
Well, honey, we're
finally alone. Heh.
169
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:12,767
I know what would
take your mind
170
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:14,166
off that record
for a minute.
171
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,834
You could make love
to me four times.
172
00:10:17,968 --> 00:10:20,433
Peg, when I said
I was after an oldie,
173
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:22,500
I meant, "but a goody."
174
00:10:27,534 --> 00:10:29,400
Now, surely there must be
someone around here
175
00:10:29,434 --> 00:10:30,667
old enough to know
that song.
176
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,934
Hi, Peggy.
Hi.
177
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:35,567
Listen, Jefferson and I are
thinking of going to the movies.
178
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:38,101
Well, I don't think
we can go with you.
179
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,301
Well, we didn't want you
to come with us.
180
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,433
But we need to know
what's playing,
181
00:10:43,467 --> 00:10:45,733
and Al stole our paper again.
182
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,233
How'd you know
it's me?
183
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:50,567
We found one of your straws
in our Sparkletts bottle.
184
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,800
Hey, listen,
while you're here...
185
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:55,400
Let me-- Let me ask you
a question. Um...
186
00:10:55,434 --> 00:10:57,934
See if you can--
See if you can name this song.
187
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,600
* Hm-hm-him *
188
00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:01,633
You know,
when he hums,
189
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:04,333
the hair in his ears
moves in and out
190
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:06,999
like a child's
party favor.
191
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,400
Oh, yeah, and the-- And the nose
hairs, they sort of spread
192
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:11,134
like a geisha-girl fan.
193
00:11:11,934 --> 00:11:15,734
That's right. Keep dancing
on the minefield.
194
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,200
Now, concentrate.
195
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:22,067
* Hm-hm-him *
196
00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:24,468
"Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
No.
197
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,800
"Go Tell Pharaoh."
No!
198
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:27,800
Come on.
199
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,266
This is a song
from my youth.
200
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,301
"Look, It's a Wheel"?
201
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:36,133
Peg, honey,
202
00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:39,066
before we're all
knee-deep in your blood,
203
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,200
um, why don't you go
over by the radio
204
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,999
and listen to see
if they play my song.
205
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,600
You are just determined
206
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:47,667
to win that Nobel "Putz" Prize
this year, aren't you, honey?
207
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,200
Listen, I have
the perfect plan
208
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:52,567
to figure
this whole thing out.
209
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:55,033
Now, what we'll do is,
we'll just sit here,
210
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:57,533
and we'll name every song that
was ever made until we get it.
211
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:58,567
Now, I'll start.
212
00:11:58,601 --> 00:11:59,900
"Mandy."
213
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:02,400
Uh... "Dem bones,
dem bones, dem-- "
214
00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:03,966
Oh, shut up.
215
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,834
I told you never
to play with this man.
216
00:12:07,868 --> 00:12:09,467
Now, give it up, Al.
217
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:11,934
I'm sure there is
no such song.
218
00:12:11,968 --> 00:12:15,066
It's probably
a shoe hallucination.
219
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:17,867
I mean, your face is
in feet all day long,
220
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:19,667
something's
gotta give.
221
00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:23,633
Why not something fragile,
like your mind?
222
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,934
It is a song.
Rick Cool played it.
223
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:26,934
I heard it.
224
00:12:26,968 --> 00:12:28,366
And I will find it
or die trying.
225
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,233
Peg, have they played
the song yet?
226
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,667
Shh!
227
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:34,500
Our next call on Why Me?
228
00:12:34,534 --> 00:12:36,533
comes once again
from Peggy B.,
229
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,800
calling from
the Bundy household.
230
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:42,066
You're on, Peggy.
What's Al done this time?
231
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:43,767
Well, he heard a song,
232
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:45,333
and he can't remember
the name of it,
233
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,300
so he's holding me
and the neighbors hostage.
234
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,300
Help us!
235
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:51,301
Help us! He's mad,
I tell you! Mad--
236
00:13:00,634 --> 00:13:02,433
Mad, am I?
237
00:13:02,467 --> 00:13:05,800
I'm not doing anything
any rational man wouldn't do.
238
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,133
Now, you get that oldies
station back on,
239
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:09,667
or the walls will be
your tombs.
240
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,368
All of you!
241
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,333
Oh, come on, Al.
242
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,934
The chances of them playing
that song are a million-to-one--
243
00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,200
* Go with him *
244
00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:20,834
"Go With Him!"
245
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,633
"Go With Him!"
246
00:13:24,234 --> 00:13:25,467
"Go With Him."
"Go With Him."
247
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,133
That must be
the name of my song.
248
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,133
Groovy song, wasn't it?
249
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,233
You know, a lot of people think
the name of that song
250
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:32,333
is "Go With Him,"
251
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:33,967
but it's not!
252
00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:36,533
What is it?
What is it?
253
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:40,567
Well, here's our third song
of 5000 in a row.
254
00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,200
We're going for
the world's record:
255
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:44,366
two full years
of uninterrupted music.
256
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,934
This is Rick Cool,
the fifth Monkee,
257
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:48,033
heading home to his depressing
studio apartment
258
00:13:48,067 --> 00:13:50,533
on the po' side of town.
259
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,700
* He's Rick Cool *
260
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:55,900
* For the middle-aged *
261
00:14:04,701 --> 00:14:07,667
Hey, look, Garfield got
his whiskers full of mayonnaise.
262
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,767
Uh-oh.
Here come the ants.
263
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:13,934
Oh, enough.
264
00:14:13,968 --> 00:14:15,834
I want to talk to you.
265
00:14:15,868 --> 00:14:17,366
Oh, look.
266
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,034
The ants are carrying off
the "la-sag-nee."
267
00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,533
Oh, grab her.
268
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,767
You've got worse
beatings for less.
269
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:40,934
What are you
looking at me for?
270
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:42,033
If I wasn't
so tiny,
271
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:44,301
I'd be wild-thinging her
myself.
272
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:47,300
You really think so?
273
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:49,066
Go. Go. Go. Go.
274
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,633
Go. Go. Go.
275
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:52,633
Go. Go. Go.
276
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,834
Oh, I hate
my life.
277
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:10,400
Can't eat, can't sleep,
278
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:13,267
can't bury the wife
in the back yard.
279
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:18,934
I'm beside myself
with depression.
280
00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:20,999
Did you ever have anything
281
00:15:21,033 --> 00:15:22,700
you were so close to,
282
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:25,166
it was literally
on the tip of your tongue,
283
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,166
but you just couldn't
quite get it?
284
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,101
Yes.
Yes.
285
00:15:30,634 --> 00:15:32,700
Al. Honey.
286
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:34,999
If you're gonna bring
Preparation H to bed,
287
00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:38,667
could you at least remember
to put the top back on.
288
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:42,200
I mean, God,
it just takes me forever
289
00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:45,234
to scrub it out of the sheets
with your toothbrush.
290
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,834
I got bigger things
on my mind now, Peg.
291
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:52,434
That song is
haunting me.
292
00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:54,200
You know, Mr. Bundy,
293
00:15:54,234 --> 00:15:55,934
if you're really
looking for a record,
294
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:59,099
my father knows
every oldie ever made.
295
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:01,500
Oh. No, Al.
Please.
296
00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:03,667
If my feelings
mean anything to you,
297
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:06,767
you will not invite
that man to my home.
298
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:09,767
* Go with him *
299
00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:13,200
Mighty familiar, Al.
300
00:16:13,234 --> 00:16:14,733
You came to the right guy.
301
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,099
Do you know the song?
302
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,667
No.
303
00:16:18,868 --> 00:16:21,099
But I do know
the complete theme
304
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:22,934
to The Patty Duke Show.
305
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:26,600
* Well, they're cousins *
306
00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:29,300
* Identical cousins
All their lives *
307
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:31,567
* They walk alike
They talk alike-- *
308
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:34,734
And why not?
They're both Patty Duke.
309
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:38,633
Gee, Charlie.
310
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:41,099
You're still the same clown
prince of unemployment
311
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,067
you were when those shoes
and shirt were in style.
312
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:48,300
It's that cigarette
lighter
313
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:50,900
that I found in a couch
at your wedding, right?
314
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:55,733
Let-- Let me explain
about that.
315
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:59,900
Ya see, to you, that lighter
was just a sterling silver,
316
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:01,366
antique cigarette lighter
317
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,433
with your mother's
initials on it,
318
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,533
in pure gold
with one diamond.
319
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:10,300
But to me, it was
a keepsake of the memory
320
00:17:10,334 --> 00:17:13,667
of the most beautiful
bride I'd ever seen.
321
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,600
A memory that remained
with me
322
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:18,034
long after
I hocked the lighter.
323
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,834
And if I may say so,
Peggy...
324
00:17:21,868 --> 00:17:25,834
that beauty has not
faded one bit.
325
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:28,433
Really, Charlie?
326
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,066
That's so sweet.
327
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,066
Hey.
328
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:32,500
It's right
from the heart.
329
00:17:32,534 --> 00:17:34,200
I mean, when I look
in your face,
330
00:17:34,234 --> 00:17:37,300
the only words
that come to my mind are:
331
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:38,867
Final Vinyl.
332
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,600
That's the store you have to
go to get that record, Al.
333
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:42,867
Final Vinyl.
334
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:45,467
Peg, didn't I tell you
that this man was great?
335
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:47,667
Oh, uh, by the way,
Charlie, uh...
336
00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:49,166
how about that 20 bucks
you owe me?
337
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,800
You know, it's
only been 10 years.
338
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,800
I must take
my leave now.
339
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:55,999
Come, Vincent.
340
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,533
Goodbye to you,
Al...
341
00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:00,600
and to your two
lovely daughters.
342
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:01,934
Charlie.
343
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,867
Yes, enchantress?
344
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,667
My watch.
345
00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:17,067
I was gonna get it
engraved for you.
346
00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:19,500
Till we meet again.
347
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:25,033
Did you get anything?
No.
348
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:27,401
Too bad. They got
some nice stuff.
349
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:30,800
"Green Door"
by Jim Lowe.
350
00:18:31,601 --> 00:18:33,767
* Mm-hm-mm
With the hm and a knife *
351
00:18:33,801 --> 00:18:36,800
"Wolverton Mountain,"
Claude King. Aisle three.
352
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:40,433
* Mmm-mm-mm flown
Yeah *
353
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:43,800
"Any Day Now," Chuck Jackson.
Aisle four.
354
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:50,200
Peg, this guy's
a genius.
355
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:51,767
We're home.
356
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,934
* Go with him *
357
00:18:57,467 --> 00:18:58,467
Never heard of it.
358
00:18:58,501 --> 00:18:59,467
Next.
359
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,800
What a surprise.
360
00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:04,733
Thank you.
361
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,468
Not even this, huh?
362
00:19:06,601 --> 00:19:08,266
What is it?
363
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,433
Is Oprah right?
364
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:12,600
Are you a big, fat woman?
365
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,567
All I wanted was a 45--
a stinking 45
366
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:20,133
-- the record or the gun.
367
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,533
I'll even settle
for the damn malt liquor.
368
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:26,934
Just this once can you show
that you can love even Al Bundy?
369
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,400
* Go with him *
370
00:19:31,434 --> 00:19:34,133
* Ah-ahh *
371
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:35,200
* But Anna *
372
00:19:35,234 --> 00:19:37,101
That's it!
That's my song!
373
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,966
Thank you,
thank you.
374
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,966
Uh-- I'll be back for
only one more request.
375
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,101
It involves
a thunderbolt and, uh--
376
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,733
That's my song!
That's my song.
377
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:49,700
That's "Anna."
"Anna" on the jukebox.
378
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:50,999
I want it.
How much is it?
379
00:19:51,033 --> 00:19:52,567
Well, since you're
a good customer,
380
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:54,533
and obviously a ranting,
raving loon,
381
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:55,867
you can have it
for $60.
382
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:58,066
Sixty dollars?
383
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,533
For a record?
384
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,900
Hey, look, you must look
at my husband and mistake crazy
385
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,133
for stupid.
386
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:06,066
He is not paying you
$60 for a record.
387
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,067
And if he does,
I will kiss your--
388
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:17,201
Peg, this is the best
$60 I ever spent.
389
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,533
Except for the day
before the day I met you,
390
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,767
this is the happiest day
of my life.
391
00:20:23,734 --> 00:20:26,366
Peg, I'm going to play
this record over and over again
392
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,633
until my ears bleed.
393
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:30,533
Honey, where's
my record player?
394
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:31,800
With all your stuff.
395
00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:33,900
In a box in the corner
of the basement.
396
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:36,366
Uh, honey. Come with me
while I get it.
397
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,033
I want to
share my joy.
398
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:40,066
After you, my love.
399
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:42,734
Well, at least you're acting
like a gentleman.
400
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:45,234
Just not sure why.
401
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,800
Thank you,
honey.
402
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,468
Uh, I-I couldn't remember
which step was loose.
403
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,468
Well, another
great night.
404
00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:04,633
Look. You have
to tell me right now.
405
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:07,033
Why do you keep asking
your shoulders
406
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:09,134
if you should go for it?
407
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:12,667
I mean, are they
magic shoulders?
408
00:21:12,701 --> 00:21:14,600
If shoulders are talking
about me,
409
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:16,266
I have a right to know.
410
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:18,900
No. There's nothing
on my shoulder.
411
00:21:18,934 --> 00:21:21,234
Some say
not even my head.
412
00:21:21,801 --> 00:21:23,600
But I digest.
413
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:25,166
Nothing.
414
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,934
'Tis just as the poet said:
415
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:28,733
'Twas the wind.
416
00:21:28,767 --> 00:21:29,800
No.
417
00:21:29,834 --> 00:21:32,133
'Twas the raven.
418
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,767
No.
419
00:21:34,267 --> 00:21:36,400
Actually,
'Twas a quoth.
420
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:37,700
Oh, enough.
421
00:21:37,734 --> 00:21:39,800
If I wanted intelligent
conversation,
422
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:41,967
I'd still be dating
my teachers.
423
00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:46,700
Now, kiss me,
or I will kill you.
424
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,633
Now, that didn't
hurt, did it?
425
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:55,633
No.
426
00:21:55,667 --> 00:21:57,099
Actually, it ranks
right up there
427
00:21:57,133 --> 00:21:59,434
with finding money
in the street.
428
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:03,966
Well, then, what
took you so long?
429
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,066
Well...
430
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,600
actually, I was afraid
of your father.
431
00:22:07,634 --> 00:22:08,900
But as we all learned
432
00:22:08,934 --> 00:22:11,934
from that moving
Jimmy Piersall story,
433
00:22:11,968 --> 00:22:15,034
you've nothing to fear,
but fear strikes out.
434
00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:18,166
Churchill, I believe.
Mm.
435
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,966
And besides,
your father likes me.
436
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,434
I think we're gonna be
great friends.1
00:01:27,901 --> 00:01:30,633
Oh, man. A fella
could get used to this.
2
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:36,401
Ah, I'll bet the peanut inside
is all warm and toasty.
3
00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:41,266
Oh, Lord...
4
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:44,500
bless this M&M...
5
00:01:44,534 --> 00:01:45,934
and the mighty cockroach
6
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:48,533
I slain in battle to get it.
7
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,301
Hi, honey.
8
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,667
You ruined my day,
you know.
9
00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,133
Well, Peg, it's your own fault.
10
00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,734
Stop asking me
if you look old in the morning.
11
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,200
Not that.
12
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:05,400
Thanks to you, I had
a humiliating experience
13
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:06,667
at the beauty
parlor.
14
00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:09,166
Your paycheck
fell out of my purse,
15
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,267
and everyone saw it.
16
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,266
I tried to pretend
it was Bud's,
17
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,133
but no one
believed me.
18
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:18,333
There it was,
just as plain as day:
19
00:02:18,367 --> 00:02:20,867
Al Bundy, 80 pesos.
20
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:23,600
So I pretended
to laugh
21
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:24,867
like I thought
it was funny,
22
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:28,533
but inside,
I was dying.
23
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:32,999
Mmm!
24
00:02:33,033 --> 00:02:35,567
The peanut's
all warm and toasty.
25
00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:45,934
Whoo!
26
00:02:45,968 --> 00:02:47,600
Oh, baby.
27
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,233
What brought that on?
28
00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:52,468
Well, I was trying
to get my dinner back!
29
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:55,166
Al, you're avoiding
the issue.
30
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,800
Now, let's face it.
You're past 40.
31
00:02:57,834 --> 00:02:59,467
It's time you started
bringing home
32
00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:01,334
more money than Opie.
33
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:05,767
Peg, Opie came home
to Aunt Bea's pies.
34
00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:09,533
Me, I come home
to Aunt Bea.
35
00:03:10,601 --> 00:03:12,366
Mom, Dad,
36
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,333
I've got some
great news.
37
00:03:14,367 --> 00:03:16,667
What, they're starting
an all-you-can-eat buffet
38
00:03:16,701 --> 00:03:18,900
at the men's shelter?
39
00:03:18,934 --> 00:03:21,033
Good talking
to you, Dad.
40
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,500
Mom, I've got
some great news.
41
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:26,300
I've been selected one of five
Chicago-area students
42
00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:28,867
to go to the White House
and meet the president.
43
00:03:28,901 --> 00:03:30,467
Peg, did you
hear that?
44
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,667
My boy's going to
meet the president.
45
00:03:32,701 --> 00:03:34,066
Son, do me a favor.
46
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,999
I- if you meet
the white-haired old lady--
47
00:03:36,033 --> 00:03:37,700
You know, Mrs. President...
48
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:40,433
She seems nice. Tell her
to go into the kitchen
49
00:03:40,467 --> 00:03:42,867
and fix something up,
and bring it home to old Dad.
50
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:44,533
And, uh, while you're
at it, uh,
51
00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:47,900
bring me back some of that
presidential toilet paper.
52
00:03:47,934 --> 00:03:52,001
Man, I'll bet
that stuff is smooth.
53
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,633
Yeah, sure, Dad.
54
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,667
Mom, you want me to
grab a lamp or anything,
55
00:03:56,701 --> 00:03:58,033
if I have
a hand free?
56
00:03:58,067 --> 00:04:01,133
Well, I wouldn't
spit at a painting.
57
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:04,400
Oh. Just Dad's
laundry, eh, Mom?
58
00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:07,233
Anyway, all I need
for the trip is 100 bucks.
59
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:08,934
Hundred bucks?!
60
00:04:08,968 --> 00:04:12,500
For 100 bucks, we can get
the president to come here.
61
00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:15,033
Ah, what the hell.
Peg, uh, give me my checkbook.
62
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:18,400
You want the personal
or the corporate account?
63
00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:21,033
I- I want the joint account.
64
00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:22,400
The one where
the checks say,
65
00:04:22,434 --> 00:04:23,400
"Mrs. Peggy Bundy and
66
00:04:23,434 --> 00:04:26,700
the nameless shoe salesman."
67
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,467
Look, that was supposed
to be a joke.
68
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:30,300
I had no idea
that they would actually
69
00:04:30,334 --> 00:04:32,101
put that on the checks.
70
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:38,401
But at least they left out
the "witless" part.
71
00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:45,001
"Nameless
shoe salesman."
72
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,300
Here you go, son.
73
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:51,301
Now, this is
the Bundys' last $100.
74
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,867
You're proud of me,
aren't you, Dad?
75
00:04:53,901 --> 00:04:56,767
I'm proud
of both my children.
76
00:04:56,801 --> 00:04:59,134
You guys,
I have great news!
77
00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:05,267
Was this couch
always here?
78
00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:09,533
Oh.
79
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:11,533
Anyway...I have a chance
80
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:14,366
to be
Miss Weenie Tot.
81
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,867
Do you know what that means?
82
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:17,233
It means that if I win,
83
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,966
I get to go
to supermarkets
84
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,767
and hold a tray of Weenie Tots
in front of a cold freezer,
85
00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:25,500
while a bunch of old men
look up my dress.
86
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:29,366
I have dreamt about this
since I was a little girl.
87
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,767
And, if I win, I get
a year's supply of Weenie Tots.
88
00:05:32,801 --> 00:05:35,034
Hey.
89
00:05:36,033 --> 00:05:37,500
What's a Weenie Tot?
90
00:05:37,534 --> 00:05:39,834
What's a Weenie
Tot?!
91
00:05:39,868 --> 00:05:42,066
Peg, a Weenie Tot
is a delicious,
92
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:43,433
little hot-dog-type
meat
93
00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:47,934
wrapped in a breaded shell
and deep-fried in pure lard.
94
00:05:48,734 --> 00:05:51,400
It's nature's
perfect food.
95
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,567
All I need is $100 for a new
dress to impress the judges.
96
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:56,600
Well, can the pathetic
dreams, Kel,
97
00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:58,300
'cause I got Dad's
last 100 right here
98
00:05:58,334 --> 00:05:59,900
to meet the president--
99
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,633
Can it be true?
100
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:03,867
My little girl,
101
00:06:03,901 --> 00:06:05,800
the symbol of
this country's superiority
102
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:07,533
in chemically-treated food?
103
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,567
And bringing home
those little weenies
104
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:11,433
to dear old Dad.
105
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:15,500
And maybe Daddy could share
these little weenies with Mommy.
106
00:06:18,868 --> 00:06:22,434
Listen...Gomez, Morticia.
107
00:06:23,367 --> 00:06:26,333
Surely you can't compare
bimboing around with pig parts
108
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:28,966
to my meeting the president
of our United States.
109
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,867
Well, we've only
got $100 left.
110
00:06:31,901 --> 00:06:33,600
It's a tough call.
111
00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:37,033
One...is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
112
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:38,767
And the other...
113
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,467
meeting the president.
114
00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:44,300
Gee, Al.
115
00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:46,967
What's a parent to do?
116
00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:01,600
I can't believe
I'm actually in the place
117
00:07:01,634 --> 00:07:04,401
where they make
Weenie Tots.
118
00:07:07,868 --> 00:07:09,400
Daddy, did you notice
119
00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:11,233
that there are
no garbage cans outside?
120
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:14,900
Well, a lot of places now
are into recycling, honey.
121
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:17,966
Attention, everyone.
122
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,700
Mr. Shnick, president
of Weenie Tot Incorporated,
123
00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:22,233
will be with you
in a moment.
124
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:24,667
He's just briefing
his vice presidents.
125
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:25,834
Okay. Okay.
126
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:27,667
The girls are gonna
be in here any minute.
127
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:30,366
Now, remember, remember.
You're all vice presidents.
128
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,400
Yeah, yeah.
Boobies!
129
00:07:31,434 --> 00:07:32,400
Boobies!
130
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:34,334
Johnson!
131
00:07:35,033 --> 00:07:37,333
Now, you calm down.
132
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:39,700
Okay, get them
in here, Flopsie.
133
00:07:40,801 --> 00:07:43,033
Oh, there they are.
Aren't they lovely?
134
00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:44,900
Come right in. Come right in.
Come right in.
135
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:46,400
Make yourselves
comfortable.
136
00:07:46,434 --> 00:07:48,133
Thank you, girls.
Thank you-- Thank--
137
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,800
Uh, whoa. Whoa.
138
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:52,800
Hey, I told you boys
in Janitorial,
139
00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:54,133
you wanna
look at the girls,
140
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:56,934
you gotta go around
and peek in the windows.
141
00:07:56,968 --> 00:07:58,667
Hey, I'm one of the parents.
142
00:07:58,701 --> 00:08:01,099
Uh, I'd just like to say
how much I love Weenie Tots.
143
00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:03,133
And, uh...
144
00:08:03,167 --> 00:08:05,767
What's the secret
ingredient?
145
00:08:17,033 --> 00:08:19,300
We're not allowed
to tell.
146
00:08:19,334 --> 00:08:20,633
Ah, well.
147
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:21,966
Kelly,
good luck, honey.
148
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,200
Mwah.
149
00:08:23,234 --> 00:08:26,567
I'm gonna go outside
and play with Flopsie now.
150
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,066
You may be
wondering
151
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,733
what a 25-year-old
millionaire
152
00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:37,900
is doing with
an 18-year-old daughter.
153
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,600
Not really.
154
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,767
Anyway...um...
155
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:42,834
both her parents,
156
00:08:42,868 --> 00:08:44,966
especially
her mother...
157
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,433
died in a flaming
car wreck.
158
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:50,134
Sir, you're
spraying me.
159
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:54,266
My name
is Butter Lefkowitz,
160
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,533
and I hope one day
to be a doctor.
161
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,867
My name is Rhonda Rose,
162
00:09:00,901 --> 00:09:04,867
and I believe
we must stop pollution.
163
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:09,567
I'm Kelly,
pronounced "Kel-ee," Bundy,
164
00:09:09,601 --> 00:09:13,800
and I think guys with hooks
for hands are cool.
165
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:20,033
And now for the all-important
talent competition.
166
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,734
Dance.
167
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:38,500
Armed with only
a long knife...
168
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:41,733
I slayed the beast
that crushed my wife
169
00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:44,767
and left me alone
in my mansion
170
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:47,067
with the world's
largest diamond.
171
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:51,700
Does it smell
like feet in here?
172
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:55,468
I don't smell anything.
173
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,967
Give me one!
174
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:08,200
Ok, here's the truth:
175
00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:10,767
I'm not 25.
176
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:13,266
I'm not a millionaire.
177
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:16,967
And, uh...those were my feet.
178
00:10:17,801 --> 00:10:19,300
But, uh...
179
00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:22,001
here's the real story.
180
00:10:22,501 --> 00:10:25,500
I'm Joe Namath.
181
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:30,001
'Sixty-nine Superbowl, babe.
182
00:10:30,634 --> 00:10:32,999
That was me.
183
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,800
Nineteen sixty-nine?
184
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:39,134
I wasn't even born yet.
185
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,468
Oh, Lord...
186
00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:04,266
I know I've come to you
a time or two in the past.
187
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:07,600
Of course...you've been
less than receptive.
188
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,767
Well, you know,
the wife thing,
189
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:12,266
the shoe thing,
the life thing...
190
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,999
But, Lord,
this time I have a chance
191
00:11:15,033 --> 00:11:18,266
at winning a year's supply
of Weenie Tots here.
192
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:19,533
You know
how good they are.
193
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:21,700
They're made up
of all your creatures.
194
00:11:21,734 --> 00:11:24,099
So...
195
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,333
please let Kelly win.
196
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:26,934
And if you do, I'll--
197
00:11:26,968 --> 00:11:28,867
I'll be nice to everyone I meet
198
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:30,500
forever and ever.
199
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:33,001
Amen.
200
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:37,767
Daddy, I won!
I won!
201
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,600
Oh!
202
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:44,500
Get out of the way,
behemoth!
203
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,633
And so continues
our special half hour
204
00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:55,934
on the four plucky,
Chicago-area youths
205
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:58,467
who have captured
the hearts of the nation.
206
00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:00,300
The meeting
with the president today.
207
00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:02,333
The ride inAir Force One.
208
00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:05,733
The gifts showered on them
from corporate America.
209
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:08,800
But you have to wonder about
the mysterious fifth youth
210
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:11,667
who didn't make the trip.
211
00:12:11,701 --> 00:12:16,434
Well...I guess he had
better things to do.
212
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,533
Hi, Bud.
213
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:21,633
Gee, why so glum?
214
00:12:21,667 --> 00:12:24,633
Is it that
president thing again?
215
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:29,133
Now, baby, come on.
216
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:30,733
There will be plenty
of other
217
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:33,133
once-in-a-lifetime
opportunities.
218
00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:35,467
Now, I know what would
make up for this.
219
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:37,966
Let's go get ice cream.
220
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,700
Ice cream?
221
00:12:39,734 --> 00:12:42,266
Do you think some lousy
chocolate sprinkles
222
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,633
can make up
for this?
223
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,366
I could've ridden
inAir Force One.
224
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,233
Could've had
a scholarship to Harvard.
225
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,700
I could've
been playing Nintendo
226
00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:53,001
with Dan Quayle
in the War Room.
227
00:12:56,534 --> 00:12:58,500
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened--
228
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:00,033
Guess what!
229
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:02,633
The Weenie Tots
are here!
230
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:08,533
This is
the greatest day
231
00:13:08,567 --> 00:13:10,033
in the history
of the Bundys.
232
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:11,999
Son, here.
No one can look glum
233
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:14,267
with a Weenie Tot
on their tongue.
234
00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:18,700
What's the matter
with him?
235
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:19,800
Oh, I don't know.
236
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,099
I know what would
cheer him up.
237
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,966
Let's take him out
for some ice cream.
238
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,767
Spare me your love.
I'm going out.
239
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:25,834
Where you going?
240
00:13:25,868 --> 00:13:28,500
Just to take
a nice nap in traffic.
241
00:13:28,534 --> 00:13:30,867
Well, don't forget
your jacket.
242
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,733
Peg...I gotta
get back to work.
243
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,834
But at least I've got something
now to put in my lunch box.
244
00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:45,500
Oh, look, Al.
Weenie Tots is running
245
00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:47,934
a new scratch-and-sniff
sweepstakes.
246
00:13:47,968 --> 00:13:50,300
"If your card smells
like a weenie,
247
00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:53,099
you win $50,000."
248
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,200
Hey, let's open them all up
and see if we won.
249
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:56,900
Peg, no.
250
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:59,099
Read the label.
251
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:00,166
"No nutritional value."
252
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,800
No, keep reading.
253
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:03,600
"This is not a food-- "
254
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,433
No, no, no.
The fine print.
255
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:10,066
"Do not expose
Weenie Tots to air.
256
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,999
"Will accelerate
disintegration process.
257
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:15,200
Enjoy."
258
00:14:15,234 --> 00:14:16,600
I want to know
if we won.
259
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:20,300
Well, I can tell you that.
We're Bundys. We didn't.
260
00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:22,366
Now, Peg,
I've got a year's supply
261
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,133
of my favorite mock food.
262
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:29,500
It, like me,
is highly unstable.
263
00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:31,633
Al, if you don't want me
to touch them,
264
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:33,467
just say "Don't touch them."
265
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:34,533
Don't touch them.
266
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,600
Then I won't.
267
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:53,201
The place smells
like rat droppings.
268
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:56,867
Oh, no!
269
00:14:56,901 --> 00:14:58,733
Woman,
what have you done?
270
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,300
My tots!
271
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:01,600
My tots!
272
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,967
My weenies
have been exposed!
273
00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:07,600
You've disintegrated
my tots!
274
00:15:07,634 --> 00:15:09,467
Al, we didn't
win.
275
00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:11,934
Look what you've done
to my tots!
276
00:15:11,968 --> 00:15:13,567
Would you think about me
for once?
277
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:15,099
I've ruined
my fingernails,
278
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:17,900
and I've had
six nosebleeds.
279
00:15:17,934 --> 00:15:20,934
Well, there's one box left.
I may as well open it.
280
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:22,467
Hm! Peg.
281
00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:24,033
Now, can we cut out
the usual charade
282
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:26,133
of "I forbid you,
and you totally ignore me"?
283
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:27,333
So how about this?
284
00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:29,066
Can I eat
the last box in peace?
285
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:31,600
Can you wait one stinking minute
while I go to the fridge
286
00:15:31,634 --> 00:15:33,200
and get a beer
to wash them down?
287
00:15:33,234 --> 00:15:36,401
Of course, honey.
288
00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:44,867
Congratulations, Peg.
289
00:15:44,901 --> 00:15:47,800
You just won
a trip to Disneyfist.
290
00:15:48,701 --> 00:15:49,867
Oh, my God!
What?
291
00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:51,500
We won!
Fifty-thousand dollars?
292
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,567
We won!
No!
293
00:15:57,801 --> 00:16:00,233
Peg. Peg. Where
do you wanna go?
294
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:01,400
Hawaii.
295
00:16:01,434 --> 00:16:03,166
Okay. Then I shall
go to Europe.
296
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,734
I love you.
297
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,233
We're wasting time.
Let's pack.
298
00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:11,067
Okay.
299
00:16:22,834 --> 00:16:23,867
What's
going on?
300
00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:26,366
Nothing.
301
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,434
Don't gimme
that.
302
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:33,133
Ah-ha.
303
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,133
You've won
the Weenie Tot Sniffstakes.
304
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:37,166
We were just coming out
to tell you--
305
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,967
Spare me
your pork-scented lies.
306
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:42,567
At this point,
307
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:45,667
I'm practically
raising myself anyway.
308
00:16:45,701 --> 00:16:47,066
So I'll tell you what.
309
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,066
Just give me the money you have
in your pockets right now...
310
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:51,967
we'll call it even.
311
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,166
Okay.
312
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,633
Ingrate.
313
00:17:03,634 --> 00:17:06,234
Goodbye, son.
314
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,134
Goodbye,
loving parents.
315
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:12,500
Oh!
316
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:13,900
By the way.
317
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:15,600
Here's a little something
to chat about
318
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:17,133
on the way back
from the airport.
319
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,500
You can't win.
You're ineligible
320
00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:21,500
because your
microbrained daughter
321
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:23,300
is now
a Weenie Tot employee.
322
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:26,301
We'll be poor
for the rest of our lives!
323
00:17:27,501 --> 00:17:29,401
Bite on that weenie!
324
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:39,867
Is he right, Al?
325
00:17:39,901 --> 00:17:42,066
I'm afraid he is, Peg.
326
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,633
Oh, what to do,
what to do.
327
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:47,101
Well, maybe Kelly
can help us out of this.
328
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,633
Boy, am I beat.
329
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:51,733
All day long,
330
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,533
cut the ribbon, wave.
331
00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:55,099
Cut the ribbon, wave.
332
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:59,533
Heavy is the head of she
who wears the crown.
333
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,667
Cut the ribbon, wave...
334
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:03,467
Well, this is
a fine mess.
335
00:18:03,501 --> 00:18:06,700
She's an idiot,
and the smart one's mad at us.
336
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:08,700
Hm...
337
00:18:08,734 --> 00:18:10,800
What we need is a dupe.
338
00:18:10,834 --> 00:18:13,900
Someone dishonest enough
to cash this ticket for us,
339
00:18:13,934 --> 00:18:17,733
yet...honest enough
not to run off with the money.
340
00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:19,433
In other words...
341
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:22,134
someone
mighty stupid.
342
00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:31,999
So we're talking
a 50-50 split.
343
00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:33,500
What do you say?
344
00:18:33,534 --> 00:18:36,733
This is the lowest idea
I have ever heard.
345
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,266
If you want someone to
cheat an American business,
346
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,099
then you have come to
the wrong people.
347
00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:42,867
What you need, Al Bundy,
is a criminal.
348
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:45,999
And I'm no criminal.
And I don't know anyone who is.
349
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:48,001
I'll do it.
350
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:54,567
What do you mean,
"I'll do it"?
351
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:58,467
What part of "I'll do it"
didn't you understand?
352
00:18:58,501 --> 00:19:00,300
Let's just put aside
353
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,633
the dishonesty
of this for a minute.
354
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:04,166
At least remember
355
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,900
that you are
a white-collar criminal.
356
00:19:06,934 --> 00:19:08,834
This man, at best,
357
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:11,999
is a ring-around-the-collar
criminal.
358
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:14,934
Now, honey, you don't
want to be in league
359
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:17,166
with someone whose
greatest accomplishment
360
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,066
has been putting shoes
on his knees
361
00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:21,567
and sneaking into
the movies as a child.
362
00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:23,999
Besides...
363
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:28,133
I don't wanna wind up Bonnie
to this man's "Clod."
364
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,700
Marcie, we're talking
about $50,000 here.
365
00:19:31,734 --> 00:19:35,067
That buys a lot
of motion lotion.
366
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,167
Deal.
367
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:45,266
And so, the four
Chicago wonder kids
368
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:48,066
arrived in Geneva for their
summit with Russian leader--
369
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:51,099
Come on. Let's get
some real news on here.
370
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:53,200
And now, the unusual story
371
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,700
of the winning
of the Weenie Tot Sniffstakes,
372
00:19:55,734 --> 00:19:58,101
which occurred
a short time ago.
373
00:20:05,601 --> 00:20:07,033
Hey...
374
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:09,200
it looks like
Jefferson's getting ready
375
00:20:09,234 --> 00:20:11,101
to blow town
with his wife.
376
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:14,767
He's supposed to
blow town with me.
377
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:17,567
I mean, us.
378
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:19,333
As Miss Weenie Tot,
379
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:23,200
I am pleased to present
this check for $50,000
380
00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:25,700
to Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy...
381
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:28,300
a man that I have
never, ever met before...
382
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:30,266
and, I might add,
383
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:31,966
does not live
next door to me,
384
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,733
and has
no prearranged plans
385
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:36,867
to split the money
with anyone in my family.
386
00:20:38,701 --> 00:20:40,633
So, what do you
plan to do
387
00:20:40,667 --> 00:20:43,468
with my daddy's money,
Mr. D'Arcy?
388
00:20:44,734 --> 00:20:46,966
What Mr. D'Arcy intends
to do with the money
389
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,500
is to make partial
reparations
390
00:20:48,534 --> 00:20:51,667
to the aged and stupid
people he defrauded
391
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:56,133
in the notorious Lake
Chicamakomoko land scandal.
392
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:59,567
Good. Good. I'm glad.
Glad, I say.
393
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:00,800
I knew this would happen
394
00:21:00,834 --> 00:21:04,200
the moment I heard
Al Bundy was involved.
395
00:21:04,234 --> 00:21:06,033
That's B-U-N-D--
396
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:08,266
Hey, hey. That's
my mother's bracelet!
397
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,500
I'm not the criminal.
398
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,967
Al Bundy
is the criminal.
399
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:19,400
Hi, Daddy.
400
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,934
Leave town-ay.
401
00:21:21,968 --> 00:21:24,767
The jig is up-say.
402
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:33,400
Gee, Al, uh,
403
00:21:33,434 --> 00:21:34,567
maybe I made
a mistake
404
00:21:34,601 --> 00:21:37,734
in letting Kelly
in on the plans.
405
00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:45,999
Well, honey,
at least it's over.
406
00:21:46,033 --> 00:21:49,201
Uh, no, Peg.
It's not over.
407
00:21:54,434 --> 00:21:57,700
Now it's over.
408
00:21:59,434 --> 00:22:02,366
What's for dinner tonight
in the slammer, guys?
409
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,600
Same thing
every night.
410
00:22:04,634 --> 00:22:07,167
Weenie Tots.
411
00:22:07,934 --> 00:22:10,468
Book me.1
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,200
So he said to me,
2
00:01:17,234 --> 00:01:19,066
"I just can't move my feet
like you do, Bud."
3
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:22,033
So I says, "Hammer,
please don't make me hurt you.
4
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:24,533
Now, just watch my feet."
5
00:01:24,567 --> 00:01:25,934
And the rest,
shall we say, is...
6
00:01:25,968 --> 00:01:27,967
A lie?
7
00:01:28,601 --> 00:01:29,567
Yes.
8
00:01:29,601 --> 00:01:31,166
Yes, my mouth
must be punished.
9
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,401
Kiss me, you minx.
10
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,966
Was it everything
I told you it would be?
11
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,001
No.
12
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,900
But it was everything
13
00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:49,434
the other girls
told me it would be.
14
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:54,633
Well, then, let's try
my patented gyro-tongue action.
15
00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:56,467
Look...
16
00:01:56,501 --> 00:01:59,099
before I cheapen
myself anymore,
17
00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,667
are you sure you can get
front-row tickets
18
00:02:01,701 --> 00:02:04,266
to the Vanilla Ice
concert?
19
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,633
Hey.
20
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,767
Now, I'm the one
who showed Ice, Hammer's steps.
21
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:18,234
Now, play that funky
lip music, white girl.
22
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,400
Hey, if I told
you punks once,
23
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:32,166
I told you
a thousand times.
24
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,734
Keep your hands
off my daughter.
25
00:02:35,901 --> 00:02:38,134
You little ninny.
26
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,234
Oh, I love it when
they come back for more.
27
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,468
Oh, hi, son.
28
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:57,500
Turn on the lights.
29
00:02:57,534 --> 00:02:58,966
What for?
30
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,034
Turn on the lights!
31
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:06,633
Does that look like
Kelly to you?
32
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,067
Does it?!
33
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:17,900
You mean...
34
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:21,334
that was you over there,
Bundyfying that girl?
35
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,900
All right, son.
36
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,300
Come on over here,
now.
37
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:31,433
Sit back down--
Here.
38
00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:33,133
Put your little arm
around her-- There.
39
00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:34,266
Hey, Peg!
40
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,567
Peg, get down here,
you gotta see this!
41
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:37,733
Bring
the camera!
42
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,667
I gotta go.
43
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,767
Call me when you get
the tickets.
44
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:45,600
And remember,
the closer I get to Ice...
45
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:49,101
the closer you get
to the heat.
46
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,934
Oh! What is it, Al?
What is it?
47
00:03:56,968 --> 00:03:59,467
Are Marcie and Jefferson
playing nude Jeopardy again?
48
00:03:59,501 --> 00:04:00,467
No, no.
49
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,266
No. More incredible.
50
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,101
Bud had a girl here.
51
00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:06,134
Yeah, right.
52
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,533
Al, I thought
we agreed
53
00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:11,401
not to make fun of him
to his face.
54
00:04:11,934 --> 00:04:13,400
Now, good night,
honey.
55
00:04:13,434 --> 00:04:14,600
And don't worry.
56
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:17,500
One day, it won't be
just a cruel joke.
57
00:04:18,701 --> 00:04:21,099
Does no one in this house
see my sex appeal?
58
00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:24,400
I mean, I see it.
These people must be crazy.
59
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:26,900
Well, luckily, I have a girl
who loves me now.
60
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:27,999
Buy the way, Dad,
61
00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,834
I need 60 bucks
to take her to a concert,
62
00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:33,734
or she's gonna go with someone
she finds genuinely attractive.
63
00:04:39,701 --> 00:04:42,900
Daddy? Have I told you
how much I loved you?
64
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,200
Oh, no.
65
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:46,200
How much, Kelly?
66
00:04:46,234 --> 00:04:48,066
A whole lot.
67
00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:50,300
No, I mean, how much
money do you want?
68
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:51,700
That's what I was
talking about:
69
00:04:51,734 --> 00:04:52,800
a whole lot.
70
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,033
Daddy, I need
this money so bad.
71
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:58,166
Our modeling school's going on
this really important field trip
72
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,633
to the old models
home...
73
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,600
to visit...Renee.
74
00:05:03,634 --> 00:05:06,733
She was the first model
who only had one name.
75
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:10,266
I mean, since Renee, models
from Iman to Cheryl Tiegs
76
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:13,301
have had only one name.
77
00:05:19,334 --> 00:05:20,500
Forget it, Kel.
78
00:05:20,534 --> 00:05:22,333
Dad works hard
for his money,
79
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,266
and I say we use it
only for necessities.
80
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,266
He's gonna give it to me
so I can get me some,
81
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:27,834
aren't you, Dad?
82
00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:34,233
Yep, both my kids
have legitimate requests,
83
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,099
so, uh, maybe I shall
solve this
84
00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:38,900
as the oh-so-wise Solomon
would.
85
00:05:38,934 --> 00:05:40,567
I shall keep my money
86
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:43,434
and go to the nudie bar
tomorrow.
87
00:05:45,601 --> 00:05:48,934
So it shall be written,
so it shall be danced.
88
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:51,934
Part the seas
of uselessness.
89
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:57,267
I must go sleep
with the red plague.
90
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,401
Well, maybe for a penny.
91
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:17,099
Get out of here,
you old rag.
92
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,101
Oh.
93
00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:29,266
What's wrong
with everyone, huh?
94
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:31,500
I mean, surely a quarter's
not too much to ask
95
00:06:31,534 --> 00:06:33,900
to rub your hands
over all this.
96
00:06:34,968 --> 00:06:37,934
Yeah, it's a real bargain.
97
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:40,567
You and I are
a lot alike, boy.
98
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,900
No.
99
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:44,301
I've had sex.
100
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:52,034
And at least I have the decency
to die at 13.
101
00:06:56,501 --> 00:06:57,800
I wonder how
Kelly's doing
102
00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,900
on her new roller-skating
waitress job.
103
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:02,667
Help me!
104
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:07,700
Open the door! Open the door!
Open the door!
105
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:16,066
Open the door, Bud!
Hurry!
106
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,034
Hurry!
107
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,533
Thank you.
108
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:29,167
But a trifle late.
109
00:07:29,868 --> 00:07:32,600
Help me down
the steps, Sneezy.
110
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:36,066
Dumb, stupid,
rotten job.
111
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:40,267
Roller-skating waitress
at Bill's Hilltop Drive-In.
112
00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:46,266
This is what I spent
all those years
113
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,101
learning my ABD's for?
114
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,966
How much money
did you make, Kel?
115
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,166
Nothing.
116
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,966
This is
my first order.
117
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,700
Stupid people put
their stupid restaurant
118
00:07:57,734 --> 00:07:59,999
on a stupid hill.
119
00:08:00,033 --> 00:08:02,366
So these people order
burgers and fries,
120
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,300
and then they load me
into this chute,
121
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:05,867
fire me towards the car.
122
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:07,467
And I'm doing fine.
123
00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:11,033
I'm also doing warp 10
zooming down the expressway
124
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:13,667
"It's a bird. It's a plane.
125
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:17,967
No, it's a girl going 90
with a dress over her head."
126
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:20,667
You know,
if mom hadn't made me stop
127
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,166
kissing for money
when I was 5,
128
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,900
I wouldn't be
in this pickle of a fish.
129
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:28,567
So...how'd you do?
130
00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:30,834
Well, you know, I haven't
actually started yet.
131
00:08:30,868 --> 00:08:32,600
Let me save you
a lot of grief.
132
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,834
Don't try the oil-me-up-
for-a-quarter bit,
133
00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:36,600
because you can feel
the Chihuahua
134
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:38,468
down the block for free.
135
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,433
Bud, I just can't miss
this bus trip.
136
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:51,633
I mean, if I do, I'll fall
behind the other models.
137
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:54,667
I'm already failing
Smiling 101.
138
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,966
Oh, my God.
Now I've done it.
139
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,167
My brain's beating faster.
Help me.
140
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:04,266
Easy now,
Breakfast of Champions.
141
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:06,667
Now, listen...
from here on in,
142
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:08,800
I'll do the thinking
for the both of us,
143
00:09:08,834 --> 00:09:10,600
and you do the working
for the both of us.
144
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,600
And we'll split it
30-70.
145
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,999
Wait a second,
wait a second.
146
00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:19,099
I'm doing
all the work, right?
147
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:22,067
So it's 30 for me.
148
00:09:23,234 --> 00:09:25,001
Okay.
149
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:31,400
Oh, God, I just love
going to the mall.
150
00:09:31,434 --> 00:09:34,468
And did you see how
I controlled myself?
151
00:09:36,133 --> 00:09:39,034
I couldn't be more proud
of you if you were dead.
152
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:41,600
You know, Peg,
153
00:09:41,634 --> 00:09:43,900
the least you could have done
was stand next to me in line
154
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:45,867
when they shredded
my credit cards.
155
00:09:45,901 --> 00:09:48,834
Well, it wasn't my stuff
that put us over the limit.
156
00:09:48,868 --> 00:09:51,500
It was that thing
you just had to have.
157
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:55,834
your Hanes underwear sewing kit.
158
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,633
So, what do you want
to do tonight?
159
00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:00,300
Same thing the Rockefellers do:
160
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:03,267
sew my underwear up
and cry.
161
00:10:03,534 --> 00:10:04,900
Come on, honey.
162
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:06,633
I wanna go out.
163
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:09,233
Peg, I just spent three hours
in your presence.
164
00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:10,733
I watched you buy lingerie
165
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,734
that I wouldn't sleep next to
even if you weren't in them.
166
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:19,434
So I don't want another
chalkboard screech out of you.
167
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:23,301
Al!
168
00:10:24,701 --> 00:10:27,368
Honey, I wanna
go out tonight.
169
00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:31,767
Hi.
170
00:10:31,801 --> 00:10:32,834
Hi.
171
00:10:32,868 --> 00:10:34,233
You know,
in this day and age,
172
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,133
I don't know why
you leave your door open.
173
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:38,900
A maniac could just walk in
and kill you.
174
00:10:38,934 --> 00:10:42,667
Yeah, like I ever
get what I want.
175
00:10:45,434 --> 00:10:48,467
Yeah, Al, uh, we'd kind of like
to rent a video tonight,
176
00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:50,133
pop it on the old VCR,
177
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:52,500
and spend a nice night at home.
178
00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:54,099
What are you telling me for?
179
00:10:54,133 --> 00:10:56,733
That's our VCR.
180
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:58,266
Yes, I guess
about a month ago,
181
00:10:58,300 --> 00:10:59,900
when you came over
to borrow a soda,
182
00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:01,733
and we said,
"Take whatever you want,"
183
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,567
you might have
misunderstood.
184
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:06,999
Which brings me
to our flatware.
185
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,800
Hey, I didn't steal
your bra.
186
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:14,034
Easy, Marcie.
187
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,233
Al, I know what
let's do.
188
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,200
Let's go over to their house
and watch videos.
189
00:11:20,234 --> 00:11:22,166
Marcie, that's
a great idea.
190
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,800
You'll bring the food
and the movies,
191
00:11:23,834 --> 00:11:25,834
and we'll bring
your VCR.
192
00:11:26,801 --> 00:11:28,366
Absolutely not.
193
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,099
Dad, I just got Kelly
a babysitting gig,
194
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:34,167
so tonight you have to stay
up in the bedroom with Mom.
195
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:37,368
Oh, Al...
196
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:41,733
We can break in
my new lingerie.
197
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:42,999
I know.
198
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:46,301
I'll wear
the mood panties.
199
00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:56,133
Hey!
200
00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:57,567
Let's do it!
Let's go!
201
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:59,900
Last one to your house
gets to sit next to the wife.
202
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:02,001
Come on.
203
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:05,900
Babysitting.
204
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,400
God, the degradation.
205
00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:10,633
You know, the last time
I babysat,
206
00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:13,400
it was for
this stupid little boy.
207
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,099
I got so sick
of his whining
208
00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:18,200
that I held him over the toilet
and I kept on flushing it...
209
00:12:18,234 --> 00:12:21,300
telling him that the next time,
he'd be in it.
210
00:12:21,334 --> 00:12:24,166
From then on, every time
he heard running water,
211
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,333
he freaked.
212
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:29,401
Too bad, I just can't remember
who that kid was though.
213
00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:38,366
Oh, well.
214
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,767
I'm sure he's
gotten over it by now.
215
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,368
That must be
the client now.
216
00:12:44,934 --> 00:12:46,700
Just can't figure it out,
though.
217
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:50,133
Why would people pay
$120 just to babysit one kid?
218
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:51,767
I didn't say one kid, Kel.
219
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,266
I said one family.
220
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,733
Which family?
221
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:58,600
The Hubbards.
222
00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:05,366
Kel, I got the money,
and I'm off to the concert.
223
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,900
Bud, don't leave me!
224
00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:08,400
I'm your sister!
225
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:09,500
What means more to you:
226
00:13:09,534 --> 00:13:12,001
your sister
or some little tramp?
227
00:13:15,968 --> 00:13:19,099
So...are we gonna be
good little boys and girls?
228
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:20,767
Destroy!
Kill!
229
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:21,767
Hate.
230
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,467
I went wee-wee.
231
00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:27,567
Help!
232
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,433
Okay, now,
here are our choices:
233
00:13:30,467 --> 00:13:32,733
Anna Karenina,
234
00:13:32,767 --> 00:13:34,567
Beaches,
235
00:13:34,601 --> 00:13:37,200
Madame Sousatzka,
236
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,900
or the one that was
already in the VCR,
237
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:43,067
Breast Monsters
From Jupiter.
238
00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:45,733
Well, I've already seen
Breast Monsters,
239
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:46,934
but I'll go around again.
240
00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:48,700
I won't spoil
the ending for you,
241
00:13:48,734 --> 00:13:51,234
but it involves breasts.
242
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:55,600
Oh, well, I'm game if
the ladies don't mind.
243
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,700
Or we could watch
that one second.
244
00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:02,266
No, let's watch
that Beaches one.
245
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,333
I wouldn't mind seeing
a couple of college babes
246
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,001
in string bikinis.
247
00:14:06,434 --> 00:14:07,999
Actually...
248
00:14:08,033 --> 00:14:11,033
a complex tale about
the enduring friendship
249
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:14,567
of two women
over a period of 18 years.
250
00:14:14,601 --> 00:14:17,633
Two girls swapping tans
on a beach for 18 years?
251
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:19,366
Pop it in.
252
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,900
You know, we can watch it
until they hit 30.
253
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:27,800
Then we watch
Breast Monsters From Jupiter.
254
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:30,834
Oh, relax, Al.
255
00:14:30,868 --> 00:14:33,099
You haven't even learned
how to capture breasts
256
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,567
on this planet yet.
257
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:38,600
He loves them,
you know...
258
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:41,134
but he doesn't know
how to handle them.
259
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:44,300
You know,
sometimes at night,
260
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:45,733
he'll grab my knee,
261
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:47,066
squeeze it, heh,
262
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,800
and say, "Go on, say it.
263
00:14:49,834 --> 00:14:53,301
Who's the king, baby?
Who's the king?"
264
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:59,600
Sometimes I laugh so hard,
I lose my place in my book.
265
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,066
Well, i--
In my defense,
266
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,900
uh, these days,
most things on her
267
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:08,067
orbit around
her knees.
268
00:15:08,901 --> 00:15:11,334
Shall we movie?
269
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:19,034
Honk, honk.
Oh!
270
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:21,400
You love it, baby.
271
00:15:21,434 --> 00:15:23,600
"'Honk, honk,'
said the goss..."
272
00:15:23,634 --> 00:15:25,800
"Goose."
273
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:31,567
Oh.
274
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:35,700
"Goose, as she swims
to find..."
275
00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:39,600
"A."
276
00:15:40,868 --> 00:15:43,333
"...a worm for dinner"?
277
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:44,867
Very good.
278
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:52,300
"Quickie she flopped
her winds..."
279
00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:53,433
Oh, God.
280
00:15:53,467 --> 00:15:57,567
Look...let me capsize
the story for you.
281
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,834
When the goose got
where it was going,
282
00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:06,900
she met this really cool
blonde goose...
283
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:08,966
who only had one name:
284
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,767
Kelly.
285
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:12,800
Cool, huh? Huh.
286
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:16,066
Anyway, she was a model.
287
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,033
Everybody thought
that she was dumb,
288
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,368
but she wasn't.
289
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:25,333
Anyway...
she was so beautiful
290
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:28,567
that all the boys
in Fairyland wanted her.
291
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:31,467
You know, like
Prince Charming and...
292
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:34,033
the guy with the pies
and the sheep...
293
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:37,300
the guy shaped
like an egg...
294
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:40,900
Dopey and Zeppo...
295
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:42,400
Curly and Moe,
296
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:45,366
and the other dwarfs,
et cetera.
297
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,366
But instead of going
to the fairy dance,
298
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,633
she had to babysit
299
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:53,433
a bunch of troll-like
snot monsters, who...
300
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,999
if one of them
squirts me with that gun,
301
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:58,366
will die a horrible,
screaming death,
302
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,200
along with his demon-seed
brother and sister Hubbards,
303
00:17:01,234 --> 00:17:04,767
at the hands of
the mighty dragon-beast Buck,
304
00:17:04,801 --> 00:17:08,368
who hasn't eaten
for a thousand years.
305
00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:12,733
The end.
306
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,700
So...what have we learned
from all this?
307
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:18,468
You die at dawn.
308
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:26,567
Isn't this
a good movie?
309
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:29,434
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, it's great.
310
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,066
Why did I marry?
311
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:34,033
All I ever really
wanted to do
312
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:36,500
was play racquetball
with the guys,
313
00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:39,467
maybe ride a motorcycle
across country,
314
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:43,434
go to California
and become a porno star.
315
00:17:45,234 --> 00:17:46,567
Ah...
316
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:49,467
But this is
almost as much fun.
317
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:51,433
What a life.
318
00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:52,733
Is this it?
319
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,600
Is this the end?
320
00:17:54,634 --> 00:17:58,133
Did it happen last night,
and no one told me?
321
00:17:58,167 --> 00:17:59,800
Gads.
322
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:01,233
It's Saturday night.
323
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,800
I should be out on the town,
dressed in leopard,
324
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:09,167
purring like a kitten in Karl
"The Mailman" Malone's lap.
325
00:18:10,033 --> 00:18:14,034
Ah, but this is
almost as much fun.
326
00:18:18,868 --> 00:18:22,234
Hey! Peg would
wanna see this.
327
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:29,066
I know what
328
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:32,734
Marcie has the smallest breasts
in the room.
329
00:18:33,801 --> 00:18:36,467
Well, I'm happy about it.
Happy, I tell you.
330
00:18:36,501 --> 00:18:39,633
They are perfectly symmetrical
for my frame.
331
00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:42,333
And I'm happy about it.
Happy, I tell you.
332
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:44,800
Besides, I'm smart.
333
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:47,834
I have a big brain.
334
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:49,900
That's what men really want.
335
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:51,200
Milk Dud?
336
00:18:51,234 --> 00:18:53,201
Tootsie Roll.
337
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:01,033
How long is this movie,
an eon?
338
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:03,834
There isn't a woman under 50
in this film.
339
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:08,400
About now on Jupiter,
340
00:19:08,434 --> 00:19:12,567
the breast gladiators would be
dueling with the liquid cheese.
341
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:18,434
But, gee, then I'd be missing
out on all this human feeling.
342
00:19:20,734 --> 00:19:23,267
God, what happened to me?
343
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,867
When I was young, I would have
beat the hell out of him
344
00:19:26,901 --> 00:19:29,800
and made his wife
hold my jacket.
345
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:33,700
And here I am
hanging out with them.
346
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:36,500
God, I was great
when I was a kid.
347
00:19:36,534 --> 00:19:38,333
A football hero.
348
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:42,667
Young, strong, fast,
indestructible.
349
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:46,600
* Memories *
350
00:19:46,634 --> 00:19:49,900
* Of the world
I left behind *
351
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:52,867
* Misty, water-colored
Memories *
352
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:56,234
* Of the way we were *
353
00:19:56,801 --> 00:19:59,467
* Shattered pictures *
354
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:03,633
* Of the smiles
I left behind *
355
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:08,233
* Smiles we gave
To one another *
356
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:12,800
* For the way we were *
357
00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:19,133
* Can it be that it was
All so simple then? *
358
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:24,934
* Or has time
Rewritten every line? *
359
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:29,300
* If we had the chance
To do it all again *
360
00:20:29,334 --> 00:20:33,066
* Tell me, would we? *
361
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:36,334
* Could we? *
362
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:40,733
* Memories *
363
00:20:40,767 --> 00:20:44,867
* May be beautiful
And yet *
364
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:50,300
* What's too painful
To remember *
365
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:55,200
* We simply choose
To forget *
366
00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:59,266
* So it's the laughter *
367
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:02,999
* We will remember *
368
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:07,900
* Whenever we remember *
369
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:12,300
* The way we were *
370
00:21:12,334 --> 00:21:18,967
* The way we were *
371
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:32,700
Hi, Kel.
372
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:35,401
The greatest thing.
373
00:21:35,934 --> 00:21:38,099
I got her front row.
374
00:21:38,133 --> 00:21:40,533
I got her backstage.
375
00:21:40,567 --> 00:21:42,867
I got her.
376
00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:49,234
I was so cool!
377
00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:51,867
Could you untie me,
please?
378
00:21:51,901 --> 00:21:53,467
Well, I'm not sure.
379
00:21:53,501 --> 00:21:55,767
Would you be mad if I said
I spent your share of the money
380
00:21:55,801 --> 00:21:57,301
on my date?
381
00:21:57,634 --> 00:21:58,999
I'd kill you.
382
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:00,934
Well, then...
383
00:22:00,968 --> 00:22:03,400
I'll see you in the morning.
384
00:22:03,434 --> 00:22:05,166
If you need me,
I'll be upstairs.
385
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,201
The bad thing
do make you sleepy.
386
00:22:11,601 --> 00:22:13,234
Oh, god.1
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,767
Ah. Ooh.
2
00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:41,201
Ah, it-- It hurts me
to see you in pain.
3
00:01:42,834 --> 00:01:45,667
See? All better.
4
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:48,500
What are you doing?
5
00:01:48,534 --> 00:01:50,834
Checking for my nipple.
6
00:01:55,634 --> 00:01:56,600
Where's Mr. Fluffy?
7
00:01:56,634 --> 00:01:57,800
Your cat?
8
00:01:57,834 --> 00:02:00,066
He was hungry, so I threw him
out the window.
9
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,667
Pop!
10
00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:06,467
Awww...
11
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:09,301
Mr. Fluffy.
12
00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:12,900
Pop, don't kid me
like that.
13
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:15,767
But I know you love
Mr. Fluffy.
14
00:02:15,801 --> 00:02:17,233
Now, go on,
kiss him.
15
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:18,800
I'll do better
than that.
16
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:21,333
I'll give him
grow wings.
17
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:22,900
Sit down.
18
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:25,368
I'm makin' breakfast
this morning.
19
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:37,800
W- w-wait a minute.
Use a napkin.
20
00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:46,300
You wouldn't perchance
be miffed at me
21
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,066
because I lost the fight,
would ya?
22
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,733
"Lost" is such
a harsh word.
23
00:02:50,767 --> 00:02:54,434
Let's just say
ya came in second.
24
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:57,033
Here.
25
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:59,334
I got a special treat
for ya.
26
00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:03,800
Hey, don't worry.
27
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:06,233
There are plenty of other
opportunities out there
28
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:08,633
for a smart guy
like me.
29
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:12,001
Uh, definitely,
definitely.
30
00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:16,667
Name any one
of the Great Lakes.
31
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:19,099
Lake Folbert.
32
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:21,099
Remember?
33
00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:23,633
Where you taught me
how to swim?
34
00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:26,734
What a great lake.
35
00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:30,667
Hey, I'm still gonna
make ya proud of me.
36
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:32,300
I used a couple
of your connections
37
00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:33,533
in the business world,
38
00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:36,700
and I got myself
a job as a busboy.
39
00:03:38,434 --> 00:03:40,733
A busboy?
Hey, that's great.
40
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:43,767
Say, bring me home
a half-eaten roll, will ya?
41
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:48,066
We need a new plan
for you.
42
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,600
I want more
for you than...
43
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:52,800
Than just being me.
44
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,368
As wonderful
as I am.
45
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:05,600
You know, Pop, you and Mom
were a lot alike.
46
00:04:05,634 --> 00:04:08,233
One of the last things
she said to me was,
47
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:12,867
"Whatever you be,
be more than your father."
48
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:19,267
Hi, Vinnie.
Hi, Mona.
49
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,400
Vinnie,
50
00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:26,767
why don't you
tell your father
51
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:29,400
that my mom needs everything
in her apartment fixed...
52
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:30,500
now.
53
00:04:30,534 --> 00:04:32,900
Everything
in her apartment? Why?
54
00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:37,600
Because then we can spend
the next two weeks alone.
55
00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:39,633
Hey.
56
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,800
Mona, Mona, Mona.
57
00:04:43,434 --> 00:04:44,733
Hoy! Hey-y.
58
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:46,400
Why don't you come back
a little later?
59
00:04:46,434 --> 00:04:47,867
Really? When?
60
00:04:47,901 --> 00:04:50,301
When you're
no longer a felony.
61
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:04,567
Where is he?
62
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:18,401
Charlie!
63
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:19,867
Hey, Al.
64
00:05:19,901 --> 00:05:21,500
Vinnie!
Heh-heh-heh!
65
00:05:21,534 --> 00:05:25,266
So, Al, did you happen
to watch the kid's fight?
66
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,300
Naw, naw, I listened to it
on the radio.
67
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:30,099
Naw, I was gonna watch it
on TV, but, uh, heh,
68
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:31,400
I don't have
one anymore.
69
00:05:31,434 --> 00:05:33,633
I bet it
on your kid.
70
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:38,700
Easy, Al.
Listen, Al.
71
00:05:38,734 --> 00:05:40,999
I know
that feels good,
72
00:05:41,033 --> 00:05:42,800
but, uh, it's not gonna
bring your TV back.
73
00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:45,200
No, that TV was
my baby.
74
00:05:45,234 --> 00:05:47,834
Got me through
a lot of rough times.
75
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:50,867
I watched it when
we conceived our two kids.
76
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:54,266
I still remember putting
my forearm in Peg's mouth
77
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,767
to shut her up,
so I could hear Get Smart.
78
00:05:58,701 --> 00:06:00,667
Yeah, for Bud...
For Bud I wised up.
79
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:02,133
Put her head
by the foot of the bed,
80
00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:04,201
so I could watch too.
81
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,567
Now it doesn't matter
which way I turn her,
82
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,800
the magic is gone.
83
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:13,633
Mr. Bundy,
I'll buy you a TV.
84
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:15,567
I got a new job.
85
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:17,467
Yeah.
Share my pride.
86
00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:20,067
He's a busboy.
87
00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:24,401
Al, you're not much more
than a busboy.
88
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:27,500
My kid's at
a difficult age,
89
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:29,734
where he just might
turn into a you.
90
00:06:32,033 --> 00:06:34,467
Help him out.
Give him some advice.
91
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:37,166
Don't marry.
92
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,233
Don't marry!
93
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,999
It's only good
for the woman.
94
00:06:43,033 --> 00:06:44,700
Yeah, see,
women got it made.
95
00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,400
They find some guy to marry,
96
00:06:46,434 --> 00:06:49,734
then they steal his youth,
his paycheck and his dreams.
97
00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:52,867
Oh, yeah,
then their butt gets big.
98
00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:56,333
Then you die,
their butt gets smaller
99
00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:58,167
till the next guy
comes along.
100
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,934
Oh, no,
next to being a dog,
101
00:07:00,968 --> 00:07:03,166
a beautiful woman
is the thing to be.
102
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,999
I'm sorry, Al, but you don't
have the butt
103
00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:06,200
to be a beautiful woman.
104
00:07:06,234 --> 00:07:09,867
Ehh, I let myself go.
105
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,500
Hey, don't run yourself down.
106
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,934
Ya still got
a beautiful smile.
107
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,166
Uh... Uh...
108
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,333
Do you two wanna be alone
or anything?
109
00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:24,467
Do you mind? He was just gonna
say something nice to me.
110
00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:26,433
Ah, the moment's past.
111
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:30,066
You know what we shoulda done
when we were young studs?
112
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,099
What?
113
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,400
Married us a couple
of rich babes.
114
00:07:33,434 --> 00:07:34,767
See, that way
all we'd have to do
115
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,099
is get up late...
Yeah.
116
00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:38,333
pump a little iron
to stay in shape...
Yeah.
117
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,366
let the robe pop open
a little to show the maid
118
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,900
what she could have
if she saved her pennies...
119
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:46,099
and settle back
on the couch,
120
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,733
get stinking drunk
and pick your feet
121
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:50,700
till the cows come home.
122
00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:54,800
I can't think of a fuller,
more satisfying life.
123
00:07:54,834 --> 00:07:58,266
Ah, but time
has passed us by.
124
00:07:58,300 --> 00:07:59,966
Young women today
don't understand it.
125
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,300
We don't wanna go right
to sleep after sex.
126
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:04,101
We have to.
127
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:08,368
Ah, I guess it's
a young man's world.
128
00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:17,134
I think I am getting
a new Verducci master plan.
129
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,266
No.
130
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,966
Please, no.
131
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,467
Yes.
132
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,900
Ooh, I love this plan.
133
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:25,233
For it to work,
134
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:27,633
you are gonna have
to meet a rich woman.
135
00:08:27,667 --> 00:08:29,333
No, no, no, I know
what you're gonna say.
136
00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:31,999
There's a shortage
of rich women in our tenement.
137
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:34,266
H- hey, Charlie.
138
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:36,133
I was thinking
about what you were saying,
139
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,033
but I don't have to
go to sleep after sex.
140
00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:41,400
Iwanna go to sleep
after sex.
141
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:44,034
I-- I welcome the darkness.
142
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:48,533
Anyhow, there'll be plenty
of rich women
143
00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:51,667
at that fundraiser
you were busboy'ing tonight.
144
00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:52,834
Here's my plan.
145
00:08:52,868 --> 00:08:55,200
We go, we have
a bite to eat,
146
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:57,366
and you marry
a millionaire.
147
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:58,934
You with me?
148
00:08:58,968 --> 00:09:00,700
No.
149
00:09:01,701 --> 00:09:03,400
He's so cute.
150
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:05,700
He thinks
he has a vote.
151
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,633
See?
152
00:09:14,667 --> 00:09:16,433
What's so difficult?
153
00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:19,333
Stand on a couple
of garbage cans,
154
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,600
you break a window...
155
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:27,300
...and you're
in high society.
156
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:30,700
Let's go charm the crap
out of these people.
157
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:34,200
Look...
158
00:09:34,234 --> 00:09:36,166
you don't have
to worry.
159
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,333
To prepare us,
I have read Trump,
160
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:41,266
The Wall Street Journal,
161
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:45,500
and a magazine called
Rich Babes in Chains.
162
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,667
Now, I have distilled
their wisdom
163
00:09:50,701 --> 00:09:52,200
into three key phrases.
164
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:55,066
So if you get confused,
simply say either,
165
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,733
"How about that market?"
166
00:09:57,767 --> 00:10:00,834
"Damn Democrats,"
167
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:04,900
or, "Punish me.
I've been very, very bad."
168
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:10,333
As for myself, I'm not worried.
'Cause, hey, I fit in anywhere.
169
00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:13,034
You, over here.
170
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,700
You call this a meatball?
171
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:24,600
Bet a couple of days ago,
it had a saddle on it.
172
00:10:24,634 --> 00:10:26,934
Be gone.
173
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:31,333
We're gonna get
thrown out of here.
174
00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:32,733
We don't belong.
175
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:34,900
See, Pop, it's like I learned
in high school.
176
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:37,999
This famous
philosopher--
177
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:39,467
I can't remember
his name.
178
00:10:39,501 --> 00:10:42,734
-- said, "The poor..."
179
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:47,366
Jeez, I don't remember
what he said either.
180
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,033
What'd he say?
181
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:50,300
I don't know.
182
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:52,900
The point is,
we're poor, they're rich.
183
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,366
That's the way
it should be.
184
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,633
They're just better
than us, that's all.
185
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,633
Hey, I know who it was.
186
00:10:57,667 --> 00:11:00,468
It was the Greek guy there,
Pluto.
187
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,533
Nelson!
188
00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:04,233
You were away
all summer.
189
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,099
Well, it gets
insufferably warm in August,
190
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,867
so we took the yacht
to the Greek islands.
191
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:08,966
Ah.
192
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,099
And then my Puffy just had
to go to Madrid
193
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,066
to pick some tapestries
for the new villa.
194
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,433
Yes, I know
how that is. Ha-ha!
195
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,099
Oh, look, uh...
The meatballs.
196
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:18,633
Huh.
197
00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:25,333
That's better than us?
198
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:27,333
Hey, they couldn't live
for one minute
199
00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,633
in our neighborhood,
200
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:31,434
but I could live
a lifetime in theirs.
201
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:33,800
And I intend to.
202
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:35,033
Pop.
203
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:36,999
No, Pop. Don't.
204
00:11:37,033 --> 00:11:38,900
Nelson!
205
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,999
Charles.
206
00:11:42,033 --> 00:11:43,999
Verducci.
207
00:11:44,033 --> 00:11:47,066
Greece, at
the yacht club.
208
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,767
Say, did Puffy get
those tapestries
209
00:11:49,801 --> 00:11:52,033
she was
talking about?
210
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:53,166
You know
that Puffster.
211
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,800
She always gets
what she's after,
212
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:58,934
and as I recall,
she was always after this guy.
213
00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:03,467
Same old Charles.
214
00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:05,800
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Same old Charles.
215
00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:10,834
Well, you boys seem
to be having fun.
216
00:12:10,868 --> 00:12:12,867
I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.
217
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:13,900
Well, allow me.
218
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:14,934
Uh, Kathleen Morgan,
219
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,999
meet my very dear friend,
uh-- Uh--
220
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:20,034
Charles Verducci,
what do you say?
221
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,133
Well, I see
by your shirt
222
00:12:24,167 --> 00:12:26,966
that you've been sampling
our meatballs.
223
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,867
And I see
by your shirt
224
00:12:28,901 --> 00:12:31,800
you got mighty
powerful buttons.
225
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:39,333
Okay, if he can do it,
226
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,867
I can do it.
227
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:43,633
I'm a rich guy.
I fit in.
228
00:12:44,801 --> 00:12:47,533
How 'bout that market?
229
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,234
What about it?
230
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,900
Damn Democrats.
231
00:12:57,934 --> 00:12:59,834
What about them?
232
00:13:12,868 --> 00:13:16,600
Uh, punish me.
I've been very, very bad.
233
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:23,567
United Chemical, that's where
I'm putting my money.
234
00:13:23,601 --> 00:13:25,066
Well, I think
it's overpriced.
235
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:28,800
Stick with the blue chip
IBM.
236
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,533
What do you like,
Charles?
237
00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:36,368
Long hair, short dresses
and big hooters.
238
00:13:43,434 --> 00:13:45,700
Hey, sweetheart.
How you doin'?
239
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:47,500
You-- You've been to a lot
of these things.
240
00:13:47,534 --> 00:13:48,567
Let me ask you something:
241
00:13:48,601 --> 00:13:50,300
Do I look like
I belong here?
242
00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:54,200
You look like you belong
anywhere you wanna be.
243
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,300
Well, where I wanna be
is in a cold place
244
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:57,800
holding a warm you.
245
00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:01,468
What do you say after this
fiasco, you and I go-- Ah!
246
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:04,934
What the hell
are you doing?
247
00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:06,867
We're not here
to bag a waitress.
248
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:08,533
I like waitresses.
249
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:10,233
I like waitresses too.
250
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,066
But tonight,
we're after bigger game.
251
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,800
Now, go mingle
with the rich.
252
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:15,033
Pop,
why is it always me
253
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:17,233
in the Verducci
master plan, huh?
254
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:19,033
I'm tired of being
the pawn
255
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,500
in your cosmic
game of checkers.
256
00:14:23,033 --> 00:14:24,500
Why don't you marry
a millionaire?
257
00:14:24,534 --> 00:14:25,500
Me?
258
00:14:25,534 --> 00:14:27,200
Yeah.
259
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,966
You got a real cute one
over there
260
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,034
giving you
the buffalo eye.
261
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:33,099
Oh, yeah? Who?
262
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,633
Over there.
263
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:44,233
Oh, would that
it could be.
264
00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:46,266
But that one,
see, she's married.
265
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,033
In fact, to two guys.
266
00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:49,500
So, hey, if one of 'em
drops dead,
267
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:50,999
I'm still out of luck.
268
00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:52,700
Huh? You get it?
I got it.
269
00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:53,999
Huh? You okay?
Yeah.
270
00:14:54,033 --> 00:14:56,133
Good. Now, so get back
to work, okay?
271
00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:59,600
And just think millionaire,
millionaire, millionaire.
272
00:14:59,634 --> 00:15:02,167
Millionaire.
Millionaire.
273
00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:05,099
Millionaire.
Millionaire.
274
00:15:05,133 --> 00:15:08,401
Did you know
I was a millionaire?
275
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:24,600
Miss, excuse me. I think
you dropped your purse.
276
00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:26,234
Oh.
277
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:31,200
Thank you.
278
00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:32,767
Thankyou.
279
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,334
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!
280
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:54,867
You just wanted to see me
bend over, didn't you?
281
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:57,099
What were you thinking?
282
00:15:57,133 --> 00:15:58,266
Well, let's just say
283
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:02,267
I retasted that meatball
I ate awhile ago.
284
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,467
Oh, your son seems
to be
285
00:16:04,501 --> 00:16:07,401
quite popular
with our young ladies.
286
00:16:12,501 --> 00:16:14,333
Kid's got
the Verducci charm.
287
00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:18,667
No, I've got
the Verducci charm.
288
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:22,967
You're not allowed
in the men's room, are ya?
289
00:16:23,501 --> 00:16:24,700
Of course not.
290
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,967
Well, that's
where I'll be.
291
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:33,133
It's an interesting point,
Nelson.
292
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:34,700
Very well put.
293
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:36,233
I don't want
to give my son a job
294
00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:38,999
in any of
my many companies.
295
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:41,467
That's no way
to learn responsibility.
296
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,567
So I'm wondering maybe,
you know, you can give him
297
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:45,366
some kind
of an executive position.
298
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,900
But, hey,
don't spoil the boy.
299
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:50,533
Start him off at, what,
three, four hundred thousand.
300
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:52,333
Dollars?
301
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:55,234
Go back to nodding.
302
00:16:55,701 --> 00:16:57,301
So, what do you say?
303
00:16:58,667 --> 00:16:59,966
Where did the boy
go to school?
304
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,934
Uh, P.S. 124.
305
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:04,166
Yale.
306
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,166
Oh, my son went to Yale.
Uh, let me call him over.
307
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,400
Did I say Yale?
Silly me.
308
00:17:09,434 --> 00:17:10,800
I meant to say
Harvard.
309
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:13,400
Now, my son went
to Harvard.
310
00:17:13,434 --> 00:17:14,500
Um, let me call
him over--
311
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,800
I didn't mean Harvard.
312
00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:18,900
Where did I go?
313
00:17:19,601 --> 00:17:21,333
Go over there.
314
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,900
Over there?
Yeah, over there.
315
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:24,633
Okay, I'll
be over here.
316
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:29,834
Okay, here's the truth.
317
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:35,066
Once, he was
a very promising scholar,
318
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,533
but then he had
this tricycle accident.
319
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,733
Okay, here's the truth.
320
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,567
Look, we know
each other for so long,
321
00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:44,867
we're such good friends, I feel
I can be honest with you.
322
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,867
Now, I should have
mentioned it in Greece,
323
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:48,999
but, you know, yacht,
324
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,934
tapestries, Zorba...
325
00:17:51,968 --> 00:17:53,633
So here it is.
326
00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:55,800
The kid's a genius,
327
00:17:55,834 --> 00:17:57,733
but he's lazy.
328
00:17:57,767 --> 00:17:58,966
So I'm thinking,
329
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,633
I'll cut him off,
you give him a job,
330
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:01,733
but he's gotta make due
331
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:04,999
on the lousy 400 grand
a year you pay him.
332
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:07,201
Let him suffer a little.
333
00:18:07,701 --> 00:18:09,767
It works.
334
00:18:11,033 --> 00:18:13,767
That's what my dad
had to do to me.
335
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:16,733
Now, I learned
my lesson.
Yeah.
336
00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:18,733
Well, then we're
in agreement.
Hm.
337
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:21,066
Oh, Charles.
338
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,633
Oh, I'm sorry
to drag him away,
339
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:25,133
but this is
very important.
340
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:27,033
Charles.
341
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:28,733
I was hoping
to see you
342
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:30,900
at the Littlefield
party next week,
343
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:33,900
but I checked and your name
is not on the guest list.
344
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:37,033
Oh, it's
a horrible oversight.
345
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,333
By the way, are, uh,
346
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,999
my dear friends Roger
and Nelson gonna be there?
347
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,066
Why, yes.
348
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:45,633
Well, then I must
be there too.
349
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:49,134
Oh, I'm afraid
it's just impossible.
350
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,266
Ah, what the hell.
351
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,334
I was a Marine.
352
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,368
The party's at 8:30.
353
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,600
How you doing, Pop?
354
00:19:21,634 --> 00:19:26,001
Great. I'm even starting to get
some feeling back in my tongue.
355
00:19:26,968 --> 00:19:28,099
You know,
it's amazing.
356
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,966
I was just musing
about our evening.
357
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,066
You know, the difference,
yet the sameness,
358
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,099
between the rich
and poor.
359
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,767
And as the philosopher--
360
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,366
I can't remember
his name.
361
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,366
-- said,
362
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,834
"The rich..."
363
00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:45,800
No, no. "The poor..."
364
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:46,934
No, wait.
365
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,834
Jeez, I don't remember
what the guy said.
366
00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:52,233
But I remember,
it shaped my young life.
367
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:55,033
What the hell
was it?
368
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:58,200
Doesn't matter.
You got the gist of it.
369
00:19:58,234 --> 00:19:59,600
The important thing is
370
00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:04,166
that through my God-given
charm and Verducciness,
371
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,066
my master plan is working.
372
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,400
And I got phone numbers
shoved in my pocket
373
00:20:08,434 --> 00:20:10,800
by every pretty girl
in that room.
374
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,333
So I guess
what I'm saying is,
375
00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:13,900
I won't be home nights
376
00:20:13,934 --> 00:20:16,600
for about a year.
377
00:20:16,634 --> 00:20:19,266
Wait a minute. You're not gonna
sleep with any of them
378
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,767
till we got a commitment.
379
00:20:24,801 --> 00:20:26,867
We gotta start
thinking like women.
380
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:30,633
No band on the hand,
no nookie for cookie.
381
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:35,900
Not even the one
382
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:39,134
who dots the I in her name
with her mouth?
383
00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:43,633
No.
384
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,300
You're just gonna
have to follow
385
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:47,099
the Verducci master plan,
386
00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:50,900
or bad things will happen
to Mr. Fluffy.
387
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:53,033
You wouldn't.
388
00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:55,533
Hey, as much as I love him,
if you say no,
389
00:20:55,567 --> 00:20:58,967
he's on a plate of noodles
in a Thai restaurant.
390
00:20:59,701 --> 00:21:01,066
Shh. Pop, come on.
391
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,667
You know
he understands everything.
392
00:21:02,701 --> 00:21:04,033
I hope so.
393
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:07,066
'Cause nothing is gonna
stand in the way of my dream.
394
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,999
You are gonna find yourself
a rich woman to marry.
395
00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:11,300
And even if you don't,
396
00:21:11,334 --> 00:21:14,033
only good things happen
when you're around money.
397
00:21:14,067 --> 00:21:16,333
Money gives money
good jobs.
398
00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:18,567
Money gives money
stock tips.
399
00:21:18,601 --> 00:21:19,800
And let's face it,
400
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:21,966
what the hell's the worst
thing that could happen?
401
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,034
Money could run over us
with its car.
402
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:29,033
Then we sue money's ass.
403
00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:31,066
Oh!
404
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:33,966
So are you with me?
405
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,366
I'm with you, Pop.
406
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,067
That's my boy.1
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,900
Hot enough for you,
folks?
2
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:19,767
It must be 1000 degrees
out there.
3
00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:21,767
Yep, it's
summertime,
4
00:01:21,801 --> 00:01:23,700
and the winos
are sizzling.
5
00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:25,767
Fish are popping,
and the DJ is high.
6
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,633
I hope you're all
as cool as I am.
7
00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:40,800
I wonder what the poor people
are doing today.
8
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:44,733
Dad, why don't you just
buy us an air conditioner?
9
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:46,333
Ah, you don't want
to be stuck inside
10
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,700
on a day like today.
11
00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:49,767
Come on, dive in.
12
00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:54,099
Be careful. It hasn't been
an hour since you've eaten.
13
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:56,099
Hey, don't
worry, Dad.
14
00:01:56,133 --> 00:01:57,400
Sometimes you just
gotta say
15
00:01:57,434 --> 00:01:58,600
what the hey
and go for it.
16
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,167
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
17
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:06,033
Daddy, I am sweating
cats and dogs.
18
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:07,700
This pool sucks.
19
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:09,700
If you two are bored,
20
00:02:09,734 --> 00:02:11,834
let's have a little
Jacuzzi action.
21
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:23,600
Hey, Peg...
22
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:26,366
a little Tang margarita,
s'il vous plat.
23
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,834
Coming right up.
24
00:02:37,801 --> 00:02:39,401
You forgot the Tang.
25
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:41,867
Look, Al.
26
00:02:41,901 --> 00:02:43,066
As much as
I applaud you
27
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:44,667
exposing yourself
to water,
28
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:47,133
don't you think it's time
we marched bravely into the '50s
29
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,600
and bought
an air conditioner?
30
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:50,667
Peg, can't
a hundred-degree day go by
31
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:53,033
without you bringing up
air conditioning?
32
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:54,467
Besides, as soon
as we get one,
33
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:56,366
they're just gonna
invent something new.
34
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,233
I'll be damned if I'll
have one in my house.
35
00:02:58,267 --> 00:03:02,468
That's the same thing
you said about the toothbrush.
36
00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:06,200
Look, Dad, I know
I'm no Psychology major,
37
00:03:06,234 --> 00:03:07,966
but, uh, could
the underlying reason
38
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,300
for your reluctance
to buy us
39
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:10,767
an air conditioner be
that, uh,
40
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:13,099
you're the cheapest
man on the planet?
41
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:15,066
Bud, if I was cheap,
42
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:17,201
would we have all this?
43
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,667
Now, I'll hear no more
about this.
44
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:22,700
Kelly...let's play
Sea Monster.
45
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,567
Aah!
A sea monster!
46
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:27,700
Aah!
47
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,334
Daddy.
48
00:03:32,968 --> 00:03:35,101
Mom, Dad scared me.
49
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:37,633
He scares us all,
honey.
50
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:39,233
Al.
51
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:42,301
* Oh, the shark bites *
52
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:46,733
* With his teeth big *
53
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:50,467
* And he keeps them
Pearly white *
54
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,066
Look, Al,
I am gonna
55
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,200
ask you one more time,
rationally.
56
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,333
Can we have
an air conditioner?
57
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:57,400
Peg...
58
00:03:57,434 --> 00:04:00,266
as long as I have
my pool to frolic in,
59
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,800
we don't need
an air conditioner.
60
00:04:02,834 --> 00:04:04,233
As I was saying...
61
00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:06,133
* Oh, this shark, unh *
62
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:08,567
* With his teeth bites, unh *
63
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:11,266
All right, kids.
It's time.
64
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,966
* Oh, invite
All the sharks, unh *
65
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,966
* To a party *
66
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,400
* Then they'll know *
67
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:19,433
* That Bundy's
Back in town, no *
68
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,101
Hey!
69
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:27,600
Oh! My pool.
My pool, Peg!
70
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:28,900
Nice shooting,
Mom.
71
00:04:28,934 --> 00:04:31,734
Not really.
I was aiming at Daddy.
72
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:37,034
Mom, can we throw
a couple more on?
73
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:41,700
Well, this is
the last of them.
74
00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:42,733
Hey, wait a second.
75
00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:44,166
There were four cubes
in the tray
76
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,500
the last time
that we checked.
77
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:47,567
No, there
were three.
78
00:04:48,601 --> 00:04:49,867
She's
cube hogging.
79
00:04:49,901 --> 00:04:52,500
I'll hold her, you get
the tongs of life.
80
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:56,800
Your daddy.
81
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:59,066
It's our
air conditioner.
82
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,233
Oh, God.
83
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:02,667
At long last, we're
all gonna be cool.
84
00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:05,800
Even you, Bud,
for the very first time.
85
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,333
Yeah, well,
it's a long time
86
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,567
since you had
a first time for anything.
87
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:14,467
But don't get
too cocky, Kel.
88
00:05:14,501 --> 00:05:16,266
Remember, Dad went himself.
89
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:18,133
Oh, it's just
an air conditioner.
90
00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:20,567
A moron could get
an air conditioner.
91
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:22,934
I could get
an air conditioner.
92
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:24,834
Ugh. Kids.
93
00:05:24,868 --> 00:05:26,533
Come and
help me here.
94
00:05:29,434 --> 00:05:31,900
I-- I can't see.
I can't see.
95
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:32,900
Have you got it?
96
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:34,500
Yeah, Dad.
97
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:35,834
All right.
Good.
98
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,300
All right,
easy here.
99
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:38,934
It's heavy.
Easy.
100
00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:40,333
Here we go.
101
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,066
Oh. Oh!
102
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:44,867
Oh.
Kids. you okay?
103
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:49,967
Fine.
104
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:54,033
Yes, family.
Look at it.
105
00:05:54,067 --> 00:05:56,533
It's a Kaiser.
106
00:05:57,267 --> 00:06:00,400
The pride of World War II
Germany.
107
00:06:00,434 --> 00:06:01,400
Look at it,
kids.
108
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:03,733
Doesn't it
just say cool?
109
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:06,934
Actually, it says,
"Property of Erwin Rommel."
110
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:08,834
You know, Al,
I thought you were
111
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,099
going to
a discount store
112
00:06:10,133 --> 00:06:11,767
to get one of
those Korean ones.
113
00:06:11,801 --> 00:06:14,333
You know, with names almost
like real products.
114
00:06:14,367 --> 00:06:16,999
Like our "Frigidoor"
refrigerator...
115
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:19,767
"RC-hey" TV.
116
00:06:19,801 --> 00:06:22,134
Or my
"beauti-fool" wife.
117
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:23,999
Kids...
118
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:25,567
what you're
looking at
119
00:06:25,601 --> 00:06:29,834
is the world-famous
Kaiser air-cooling blatz.
120
00:06:29,868 --> 00:06:31,667
The Jerries
swore by these.
121
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,033
But, more importantly,
122
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:36,633
they were at the forefront
of 1942 technology.
123
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,166
And now...
124
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,633
this baby's
ours, Peg.
125
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:45,034
This is the best damn
17 bucks I ever spent.
126
00:06:50,033 --> 00:06:52,967
God, I must have
loved you once.
127
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,233
You don't know
what love is
128
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:56,366
till you've
been kissed
129
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,467
by the cool lips
of a Kaiser.
130
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:01,200
Bud, help me out
in the car.
131
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:03,900
I wanna bring in
the main part. Ugh.
132
00:07:04,868 --> 00:07:06,867
And then we'll be
as cool
133
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:09,334
as I remember myself
in high school.
134
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:14,800
Gee, Mom.
135
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:17,700
Thanks for the precious
gift of life.
136
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,667
Bud! You got it
all spliced in?!
137
00:07:34,701 --> 00:07:36,400
Yeah, Dad.
138
00:07:36,434 --> 00:07:39,167
Right into the
city's transformer.
139
00:07:40,734 --> 00:07:42,966
Dad...is
this legal?
140
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,500
No!
141
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,667
So don't use
any names.
142
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,066
Bud, come down now.
143
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:51,967
Kelly, keep the flashlight on
till he gets all the way--
144
00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:56,467
Dad.
145
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:57,467
I got it.
146
00:07:57,501 --> 00:07:59,934
He's down,
Daddy.
147
00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:02,834
No names.
148
00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:05,834
Peg...
149
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:09,167
you wanna go upstairs and get
some blankets and sweater?
150
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,867
Oh, turn it on, mongo.
151
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:19,967
Nice fall, Bud.
152
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,834
Now...
153
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:24,266
we are
ready.
154
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:25,533
Peg...
155
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:27,800
would you do
the honors, please?
156
00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:38,966
Easy, Peg.
157
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,767
You're not
having sex with it.
158
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,233
Well...we'll know
for sure
159
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,900
if it quits
after 10 seconds
160
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:49,966
and asks what's on TV.
161
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,533
Ah.
162
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,733
You know,
this could be you.
163
00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:58,967
I don't feel a thing.
164
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,067
Just keep cranking.
165
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,633
There.
Listen to that.
166
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:07,099
The satisfying
hum
167
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:09,567
of fine German
engineering.
168
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,201
Brrr.
169
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,099
Is it just me,
170
00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:19,767
or is it getting
warmer in here?
171
00:09:19,801 --> 00:09:21,600
I guess that's because
I've got it on...
172
00:09:21,634 --> 00:09:23,834
uh, "der low."
173
00:09:24,534 --> 00:09:26,333
Let's turn this up.
174
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:29,600
I'll turn this up
to "blitzkrieg."
175
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:32,767
There. What do you
feel now?
176
00:09:32,801 --> 00:09:33,767
Anger.
Disgust.
177
00:09:33,801 --> 00:09:35,066
Loathing.
Disappointment.
178
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,001
All right. All right.
All right.
179
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:40,667
I'll just ease
this baby up to
180
00:09:40,701 --> 00:09:43,001
"der freezing
my heinie off."
181
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,934
Ugh. There, that ought
to shut you up.
182
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:49,066
It's gonna blow.
183
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:50,734
Whoa, run!
184
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,567
Brrr.
185
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,567
Good news, Dad.
186
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:01,934
It's not just
our house.
187
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:04,867
Oh.
188
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:07,300
The whole neighborhood's
gone dark.
189
00:10:07,334 --> 00:10:09,767
Well, at least they don't
know it's our fault.
190
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:11,800
Bundy did this!
191
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:14,733
Bundy. Bundy. Bundy.
192
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:16,200
God, where'd
they get the torches
193
00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:17,867
and the pitchforks
so fast?
194
00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:18,900
Shut up!
195
00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:20,366
Put your weight
against the door.
196
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,267
They're coming in.
197
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,633
Well,
Desert Fox...
198
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,934
Well, Desert Fox,
where will you lead us now?
199
00:10:43,968 --> 00:10:45,900
Ha-ha.
You fools.
200
00:10:45,934 --> 00:10:47,400
Do you think
I only had one plan
201
00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:49,333
to get us air conditioning
and keep us cool?
202
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:50,333
Ha.
203
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:51,366
No. Trust me.
204
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,066
Air conditioning
ye want,
205
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,800
air conditioning
ye shall have.
206
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:05,533
Ah.
207
00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:08,034
I wonder what the poor
people are doing.
208
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:19,201
Did I promise you
the good life?
209
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:21,767
Honey, if only
everyone could be
210
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:23,266
as happy as we are.
211
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,800
Everybody doesn't
have me, babe.
212
00:11:34,834 --> 00:11:36,600
Oh, that poor
woman.
213
00:11:36,634 --> 00:11:37,767
You know,
it just shows
214
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:39,266
that there can be
unhappiness
215
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:42,067
in even a grand
place like...
216
00:11:42,734 --> 00:11:44,667
What'd you call
this place again?
217
00:11:44,701 --> 00:11:47,034
Supermarket, babe.
218
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,266
Supermarket.
219
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:53,301
Wow.
220
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:57,667
A big building
with food.
Mm.
221
00:11:57,701 --> 00:11:59,800
What'll they
think of next?
222
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:02,934
Free sample?
223
00:12:03,834 --> 00:12:06,067
Uh, thank you,
cheese lady.
224
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:13,834
Listen, i-if you see
the lady
225
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:15,233
with the little
tray of weenies,
226
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:17,034
tell her
we've been waiting.
227
00:12:18,634 --> 00:12:20,667
Oh, my hands are
all greasy from eating.
228
00:12:20,701 --> 00:12:23,200
Wh-where's Kelly
with my damn towel?
229
00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:25,067
Here I am, Daddy.
230
00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:28,934
Daddy...
231
00:12:28,968 --> 00:12:30,967
what's this?
232
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,934
Looks like some kind
of vegetable, honey.
233
00:12:33,968 --> 00:12:35,533
Ew.
234
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,567
Uh, Bud. Go deep.
235
00:12:38,601 --> 00:12:40,099
Ha-ha! Ha!
236
00:12:40,133 --> 00:12:42,167
Ha-ha!
237
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,233
Excuse me here,
family, but, uh,
238
00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,800
as the only one among us
239
00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:52,333
who hasn't yet been
fingerprinted,
240
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:54,200
do you actually think
no one's gonna notice
241
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:56,700
we're living in aisle four
of a supermarket?
242
00:12:57,434 --> 00:12:59,233
Bud, we're
your parents.
243
00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:01,667
You let us worry about
what's right or wrong.
244
00:13:01,701 --> 00:13:03,600
Now, you go on over
to aisle 12
245
00:13:03,634 --> 00:13:05,333
and get Daddy
some slippers.
246
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,567
Oh, and while
you're at it,
247
00:13:06,601 --> 00:13:08,767
get Mom some perfume,
too, huh?
248
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,834
Oh, Al.
249
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:13,401
You remembered
my birthday.
250
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,500
Ahem.
251
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:19,500
Folks, excuse me.
252
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:20,767
What are you
doing here?
253
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,266
What does it look like
we're doing here?
254
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:25,368
We're shopping.
255
00:13:28,434 --> 00:13:30,867
You've been here
for four hours.
256
00:13:30,901 --> 00:13:32,966
Well, we're
conscientious shoppers.
257
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,134
Peg, you wanna read me
the ingredients in those chips?
258
00:13:38,033 --> 00:13:40,201
"Potatoes."
259
00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:46,366
Nah. It's not quite
what I'm looking for.
260
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,800
I may be
just a stock boy,
261
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:49,200
but I know the look
of a family
262
00:13:49,234 --> 00:13:50,867
without
an air conditioner.
263
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:52,633
I'm gonna have to
call the manager.
264
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,600
Ah, now. W-wait a second.
Wait a second there.
265
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,800
Uh, all right. You-- You look
like a smart young guy.
266
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:59,401
I, uh, think maybe
I can trust you.
267
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:01,500
Name's Bundy,
Al Bundy.
268
00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:04,667
I'm with the National
Supermarket Security Agency.
269
00:14:08,267 --> 00:14:09,366
There has been
a rash
270
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,166
of food-related
food thefts in the area,
271
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,033
and that's what--
That's what I'm here for.
272
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:15,200
Bundy.
I carry a whistle.
273
00:14:15,234 --> 00:14:17,700
Whoa. Really?
274
00:14:17,734 --> 00:14:19,700
Now,
act natural.
275
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,066
See that, uh,
woman over there?
276
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:22,700
Don't
look.
277
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:25,600
That's
Velveeta Annie.
278
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,733
The notorious blue-haired
cheese bandit.
279
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:33,266
I've been on her trail
since the Dakotas.
280
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:34,567
Mrs. Gillis?
281
00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:36,533
She's been shopping
here for years.
282
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:39,300
Kid, don't you know
that Gillis
283
00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:42,667
is the underworld name
for "cheese booster?"
284
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,233
Are you sure about this,
Special Agent Bundy-- ?
285
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:48,800
Don't-- Don't look
at her now.
286
00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:50,433
I-- I think she's
making her move.
287
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:52,001
Uh...
288
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:55,567
Let's
see what...
289
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:57,400
Yeah, I think
we got her now.
290
00:14:57,434 --> 00:14:59,733
Yeah, I think
the eagle has landed.
291
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,934
Uh, listen...I don't
want to make this bust
292
00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:02,934
and blow my cover,
293
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,133
so you take it,
kid.
294
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:06,900
Thank you,
Special Agent Bundy.
295
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:12,999
So...how do you like
our cheese, Gillis?
296
00:15:13,033 --> 00:15:15,266
Hopefully as much
as you like our jails.
297
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:16,266
Come along, baby.
298
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,434
Bobby, what's
come over you?
299
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:25,800
But-- But I was
your kindergarten teacher.
300
00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:27,368
Ohh!
301
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:33,767
Gee, Al, you think
we did the right thing?
302
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,433
Ah. So an old lady
goes to jail.
303
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,334
So who gets hurt?
304
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:40,500
This is living,
isn't it, babe?
305
00:15:40,534 --> 00:15:41,867
Yeah.
306
00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:43,033
Oh, look.
307
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,099
Isn't that the family
of poor people
308
00:15:45,133 --> 00:15:46,867
everyone says
is living here?
309
00:15:46,901 --> 00:15:48,900
Isn't it
pathetic?
310
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:51,368
Get a job,
buddy.
311
00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:55,366
Why, you little--
312
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,667
You know, I have half a mind
to move us to aisle six
313
00:15:57,701 --> 00:15:59,733
and not tell him.
314
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:02,066
Well, I'm bored.
315
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:03,934
I'm gonna go
boost us a radio.
316
00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:05,133
Does anyone want anything?
317
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,600
Well, how about
some plants?
318
00:16:06,634 --> 00:16:08,667
You know,
for ambience?
319
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,401
How about you,
Daddy?
320
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,467
Uh, miss?
321
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:22,234
Uh, excuse me. I-I think
you dropped something.
322
00:16:25,968 --> 00:16:28,101
Thank you,
market dweller.
323
00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:33,001
Daddy.
324
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,266
What?!
325
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,301
Do you want
anything?
326
00:16:37,801 --> 00:16:39,600
Mm. Yes, I...
327
00:16:39,634 --> 00:16:40,800
have a strange
yearning
328
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,867
for some melons.
329
00:16:47,033 --> 00:16:49,834
And a plucked chicken.
330
00:16:51,467 --> 00:16:53,966
Uh, I thought
I smelled shoes.
331
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,500
Well, if it isn't
the "Vanderbundys"
332
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:58,434
in their summer
home.
333
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:00,333
Hi, Marcie.
334
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,600
Are you having
a party?
335
00:17:01,634 --> 00:17:03,567
Uh, no.
336
00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:06,233
Thanks to Al, I and the rest
of the block
337
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:08,733
are sweltering to death
in our own homes.
338
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:10,233
A- are they still mad at me?
339
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:13,266
For blacking out
the entire neighborhood
340
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,966
on the hottest day
of the year?
341
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,266
Heck, no.
342
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,767
In fact, it's brought us
all closer together.
343
00:17:18,801 --> 00:17:21,099
Why, when we were
burning you in effigy,
344
00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:23,767
I ran into people
I hadn't seen in years.
345
00:17:23,801 --> 00:17:26,700
We sat around, we sang
our favorite folk songs,
346
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,300
like, "If I Had a Hammer,
347
00:17:28,334 --> 00:17:30,900
I'd Drive It Through
Al Bundy's Skull."
348
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:33,633
You know, Marcie,
we just feel terrible
349
00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:35,033
about this whole
mess.
350
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,600
Don't we, Al?
351
00:17:39,701 --> 00:17:40,667
Oh, miss,
352
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:43,001
I think you dropped
your corn.
353
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,366
Oops. Thank you.
354
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,434
Thank you.
355
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,266
Oh, miss.
356
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,700
Uh, you dropped
your flea fogger.
357
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:03,900
Oops.
358
00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:05,467
Thank you.
359
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:08,134
No, thankyou.
360
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:16,200
Uh, miss.
361
00:18:16,234 --> 00:18:18,767
Ooh-- You dropped
your broccoli spears.
362
00:18:18,801 --> 00:18:20,500
Oh.
363
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:22,800
Thanks again.
364
00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:24,800
No, thankyou.
365
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,800
Bud. Here's
something men do.
366
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:30,667
Quick. Get me
something.
367
00:18:35,734 --> 00:18:37,600
Excuse me,
miss.
368
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,567
Uh, you dropped
your, uh...
369
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:41,368
eggs.
370
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:44,266
Weren't you
the same guy
371
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,433
that was rubbing up
against me at the bus?
372
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:47,733
No.
373
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:49,800
I meant him.
374
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,034
You little...
375
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:00,900
He-he-he.
376
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:03,233
Cheese security?
377
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,366
I saw his credentials.
378
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,633
They say
he's the best.
379
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,500
I don't know.
380
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:11,101
I got my doubts
about this guy.
381
00:19:15,801 --> 00:19:19,333
I know I know
that face from somewhere.
382
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,099
What'd you say
his name was?
383
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:24,166
Bundy. Al Bundy.
384
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,633
I'm gonna
check him out.
385
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:39,633
Yellow alert.
Yellow alert.
386
00:19:42,601 --> 00:19:43,900
So...
387
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:45,966
you're
the dairy spy.
388
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,767
Why don't you just announce it
to the whole store.
389
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:50,767
You're on report,
buddy.
390
00:19:50,801 --> 00:19:51,767
Kelly...
391
00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:54,066
...give me a pen.
392
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,834
Blue or red?
393
00:19:55,868 --> 00:19:57,066
Uh...
394
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,467
Uh, blue.
395
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:01,067
Fine point
or husky?
Uh...
396
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,934
Never mind, pumpkin.
397
00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:05,999
Wait a minute.
Al Bundy.
398
00:20:06,033 --> 00:20:07,633
Of course.
399
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:09,767
You've been dribbling
checks all over town.
400
00:20:09,801 --> 00:20:12,300
Listen. Buy something
or get out.
401
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:13,533
Alrighty. Peg...
402
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:14,533
...checkbook.
403
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:15,966
No. Cash only, Bundy.
404
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,401
And I still want
two forms of ID.
405
00:20:20,501 --> 00:20:23,267
You just lost yourself
some business, buster.
406
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,300
Kids, let's go.
We're moving down
407
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:27,066
to the drugstore
down the street.
408
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,300
Buy something,
409
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:30,567
or you'll be moving
into the county jail.
410
00:20:30,601 --> 00:20:32,600
Alrighty.
411
00:20:32,634 --> 00:20:34,334
Family meeting.
412
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,867
Kids, you got
any money for old Dad?
413
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,133
Eighteen cents.
414
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:46,033
When I said I needed
a battery for the Kaiser,
415
00:20:46,067 --> 00:20:47,400
you said you didn't
have a dime.
416
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:50,667
No, we said we "didn't
give a damn."
417
00:20:50,701 --> 00:20:54,400
Boy, how soon they forget
the good times.
418
00:20:54,434 --> 00:20:56,300
All right, come on.
Let's see what we can buy.
419
00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:58,368
Peg, bring
the cart.
420
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:01,167
How do I work
this thing?
421
00:21:01,901 --> 00:21:03,133
The same thing
you do with me.
422
00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:05,867
You just get behind it,
and you shove.
423
00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:18,066
Uh, Marce,
listen.
424
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:20,066
Uh, I've only got
a pack of gum.
425
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:22,633
Uh, could I get
in front of you?
426
00:21:22,667 --> 00:21:24,700
Eat hot death.
427
00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:27,900
Oh, The National
Enquire.
428
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:30,233
"Steve Rhoades
Marries Cher."
429
00:21:30,267 --> 00:21:31,767
Where? Where?
430
00:21:39,534 --> 00:21:41,366
Congratulations,
sir.
431
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,600
You're our
one millionthcustomer.
432
00:21:43,634 --> 00:21:45,033
Well, w-what does
that mean?
433
00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:49,468
You've won a free $1000
supermarket shopping spree.
434
00:21:49,968 --> 00:21:51,733
Hey. I was
the next in line.
435
00:21:51,767 --> 00:21:53,400
Well, what are you
complaining about?
436
00:21:53,434 --> 00:21:55,067
You still are.
437
00:21:55,567 --> 00:21:57,533
We won.
We won.
438
00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:01,033
We won. We won.
We won. We won.
439
00:22:01,067 --> 00:22:02,700
We won.
440
00:22:03,334 --> 00:22:05,401
Oh,
we won.
441
00:22:06,601 --> 00:22:08,600
Oh,
we won!1
00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:17,700
We won!
We won!
We won!
2
00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:20,934
Oh, Al, listen
to my heartbeat. Oh.
3
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:26,133
It's incredible, Peg.
4
00:01:26,167 --> 00:01:28,366
I can hear it
from here.
5
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,667
Sir, your ear hair
is sticking me.
6
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,633
Get over here and celebrate
with your family.
7
00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:38,700
That man cut in front of me.
8
00:01:38,734 --> 00:01:41,366
I should have been
the millionth customer.
9
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,867
Bundy. Cut in front
of this woman?
10
00:01:44,901 --> 00:01:46,967
What woman?
11
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:51,533
Oh, you know it was me,
you gaggle of pirates.
12
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:54,099
Now, I have stood
mutely by for five years
13
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:56,166
and watched you
steal my paper,
14
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,633
siphon my gas,
15
00:01:57,667 --> 00:02:01,099
loiter in my bushes
doing God knows what.
16
00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:02,867
But I will not permit this.
17
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:04,834
This is
my $1000 shopping spree
18
00:02:04,868 --> 00:02:06,733
and I will have
my shopping spree,
19
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:09,533
if I have to carry my groceries
home in your skulls.
20
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:13,600
You want me
to clock her one, Daddy?
21
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,434
Let me handle this.
22
00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:23,867
You know what you need to take
your mind off this, babe?
23
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:28,101
A nice, cool Bud.
24
00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:37,667
And, uh, keep the biting
to a minimum.
25
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:40,034
It's a school night.
26
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,099
Excuse me. Coming through,
coming through.
27
00:02:49,133 --> 00:02:50,834
Hi, there.
I'm Mr. Foodie.
28
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:52,800
I'm here to congratulate
the lucky winner.
29
00:02:52,834 --> 00:02:54,266
By the way, who is it?
30
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,633
Me! Me!
31
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:57,900
What a lovely couple.
32
00:02:57,934 --> 00:03:00,099
Uh, I'm not married
to thisthing,
33
00:03:00,133 --> 00:03:02,034
I'm married
to that thing.
34
00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:07,567
Wait a second.
Aren't you Al Bundy?
35
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,600
Did you let this man pay
with a check?
36
00:03:09,634 --> 00:03:10,633
Hey.
37
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:12,433
The only thing wrong
with my checks
38
00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:15,867
is they're postdated,
like your milk.
39
00:03:15,901 --> 00:03:18,999
This man cut in front
of me and bought gum.
40
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:22,033
Now, I have been a faithful
customer of this store
41
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,266
for many years.
42
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,266
My checks are always good.
43
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:26,966
I have a preferred
customer card.
44
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,066
And I know the Foodies jingle
by heart:
45
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,066
* Foodies *
46
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,999
* We're a store with food *
47
00:03:33,033 --> 00:03:36,034
* And heart *
48
00:03:37,334 --> 00:03:39,300
Well, you know,
that only proves
49
00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:42,366
that you two have
little rhythm and no lives.
50
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,533
We, on the other hand,
have a receipt...
51
00:03:45,567 --> 00:03:47,700
and no lives.
52
00:03:47,734 --> 00:03:50,600
And besides,
we live here.
53
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:51,834
Hush, pumpkin.
54
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:54,834
Now, now, go wheel
your brother to the car.
55
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,834
All right, Foodie, now,
what are you gonna do here?
56
00:03:57,868 --> 00:03:59,767
Well, there's only
one fair way.
57
00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,366
Give us
both prizes?
58
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,133
No, I meant fair
for Foodies.
59
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:07,400
No, we'll let you compete for
the millionth-customer prize.
60
00:04:07,434 --> 00:04:09,467
Yes, you'll both be
in the shopping spree,
61
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:10,467
And whoever comes up
62
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,767
with $1000 worth
of groceries first
63
00:04:12,801 --> 00:04:14,300
gets to keep 'em.
64
00:04:14,334 --> 00:04:15,834
Well, what does
the loser get?
65
00:04:15,868 --> 00:04:18,900
Gets to congratulate
the winner.
66
00:04:21,634 --> 00:04:24,467
You know, Al,
I've been thinking.
67
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:28,233
What if we really do win
that $1000 worth of groceries?
68
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,099
Then what do we do?
69
00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:31,867
Well, Peg, I saw on
60 Minutes last week,
70
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:33,333
where some people found
with food
71
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:35,434
actually cook it up
and eat it.
72
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:39,433
I've never seen Morley
so shaken.
73
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:40,867
So I was right.
74
00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:42,867
I'm not the winner
in this at all.
75
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:45,467
You get all the food
and the glory,
76
00:04:45,501 --> 00:04:46,999
and I just get
endless hours
77
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:50,167
standing in front
of the big hot thing.
78
00:04:50,934 --> 00:04:52,400
No, Peg,
that's the stove.
79
00:04:52,434 --> 00:04:55,101
You're
the big hot thing.
80
00:04:58,334 --> 00:05:00,900
Peg, Peg,
I'll tell you what.
81
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:04,300
If we win this contest...
I get six hot meals.
82
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:05,934
Then we sell
the rest of the food,
83
00:05:05,968 --> 00:05:07,300
we get
an air conditioner.
84
00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:09,200
Really, Al? You mean it?
85
00:05:09,234 --> 00:05:10,800
We get an air conditioner?
86
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,734
Six meals, Peg.
87
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:13,767
One.
Four.
88
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:14,867
One.
Three.
89
00:05:14,901 --> 00:05:15,867
One.
Two.
90
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:17,401
One.
Done!
91
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:25,433
Mom, Dad, I think
we're in for some trouble.
92
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,633
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy are
out there doing wind sprints
93
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:28,934
around the neighborhood.
94
00:05:28,968 --> 00:05:31,033
Then they come to stop signs
and drop for pushups.
95
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:33,800
Yeah, Jefferson does 25
with Marcie on his back,
96
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,934
and then Marcie does 50
with Jefferson on her back.
97
00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:40,366
I'm not worried.
I'm a finely honed athlete.
98
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:41,733
And as for your mother,
99
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:44,267
Peg, show them what
a real pushup looks like.
100
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,733
All right, kids, I admit it.
I did not marry well.
101
00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:56,333
But...if you haven't
ever believed
102
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:57,667
anything I've ever told you...
103
00:05:57,701 --> 00:05:59,099
And we haven't.
104
00:05:59,133 --> 00:06:01,133
...believe this:
105
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:04,001
We will win
this contest.
106
00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:09,200
We will win.
We will win big.
107
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:11,333
We will win
in the Bundy tradition:
108
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,267
We will cheat
our heinies off.
109
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:17,966
Now, can I get
a "whoa, Bundy"?
110
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,434
Whoaaaa, Bundy!
111
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,500
Look, Marcie.
Best cart in the lot.
112
00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:38,867
The Foodies cart stunk,
113
00:06:38,901 --> 00:06:42,166
but I got this baby from
a bag lady across the street.
114
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,867
They always have
the best stuff.
115
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:48,099
You excite me like
no man I've ever met.
116
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,767
No mercy to the Bundys.
117
00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,834
No mercy.
118
00:06:56,601 --> 00:06:59,734
Let's see 'em
top this, baby.
119
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,334
Excuse me.
120
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:20,133
What is
this contraption?
121
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:22,834
That's Peg.
You know her.
122
00:07:23,334 --> 00:07:25,834
Not that,
Pillsbury Shoeboy.
123
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:30,467
This thing you're pushing,
this is not a regulation cart.
124
00:07:30,501 --> 00:07:33,633
Au contraire, buzz cut.
125
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,667
I found it right outside.
Didn't I, family?
126
00:07:35,701 --> 00:07:37,366
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, you did.
127
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,133
Mr. Foodie,
a ruling, please.
128
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,333
Hm?
129
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:43,333
Oh, I don't know.
130
00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:44,767
No, it's one of yours.
131
00:07:44,801 --> 00:07:46,633
See? It says "We love Foodies"
on the side.
132
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,333
Oh, I like that!
133
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:51,134
Here, let's-- Let's get
a picture of that baby.
134
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,400
But I'm not sure that
this cart is one of mine.
135
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,400
Well-- Hey...
136
00:07:57,434 --> 00:07:59,300
Doesn't wobble. Hm.
137
00:07:59,334 --> 00:08:03,434
Get these people
a regulation Foodies cart.
138
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,200
All right, contestants,
places, please.
139
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:20,433
Dad, where'd you get
this cart?
140
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:23,099
Made it myself in the garage
with parts of the lawn mower
141
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:25,700
and the side of the house
and your mother's car.
142
00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:27,200
See, it's aerodynamic,
143
00:08:27,234 --> 00:08:29,133
got your front and rear
sway bars,
144
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,133
rack-and-pinion steering,
145
00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,633
and genuine Ginsu spike
attitude adjusters
146
00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:35,167
on the hood.
147
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:40,500
It's also got some, uh,
antipersonnel device or two...
148
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:42,767
just for show.
149
00:08:48,534 --> 00:08:49,999
Damn that hair trigger.
150
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:52,966
There goes
my tiebreaker, Peg.
151
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,400
Well, what do you think?
152
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:55,733
You can do all this,
153
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:58,400
and yet you can't get
a better job than shoe salesman?
154
00:08:58,434 --> 00:09:00,300
I think
a little research will show
155
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:02,400
that most of your great
implements of death
156
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:06,167
are the result of zombied-out
daydreams of shoe salesmen.
157
00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:10,400
Well, now it's time to announce
the celebrity host
158
00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:14,200
of the Foodies millionth
customer competition.
159
00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:16,733
Well, you loved him
as the Beaver,
160
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:21,400
and...now, I guess, er,
as the new Beaver.
161
00:09:21,434 --> 00:09:23,333
So let's give a nice,
warm Foodies welcome
162
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,267
to Jerry Mathers.
163
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:37,300
Thank you very much.
164
00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:38,800
You're very kind.
165
00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:43,001
I, uh, think our agreement
called for cash in advance.
166
00:09:45,267 --> 00:09:46,733
Ladies and gentlemen,
167
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:50,233
it's certainly a pleasure
to be here at Foodies,
168
00:09:50,267 --> 00:09:56,233
the store with great food
and super low prices.
169
00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:57,433
Oh, merciful heavens,
170
00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:59,667
won't somebody please
shoot me?
171
00:09:59,701 --> 00:10:00,999
Somebody, please,
172
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:04,800
just put a bullet
through the ol' Beav's head.
173
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:07,066
Oh, Al, look at him.
174
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:10,700
He's brought so much pleasure
to so many.
175
00:10:10,734 --> 00:10:13,633
Can't you give him a job
at the shoe store?
176
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,300
Yeah, that's
all I need, Peg:
177
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:18,600
Work all day with the Beaver
and come home to you.
178
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,934
And, uh, now for the rules:
179
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:28,066
Whoever gets $1000 worth
of food first
180
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,600
gets to keep it.
181
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:32,934
Which, by the way, is more
than I'm getting for this gig.
182
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,934
Can it be true?
183
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:38,333
Can Match Game PM
not use another celebrity?
184
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:44,468
Am I truly lower
than Charles Nelson Reilly?
185
00:10:45,267 --> 00:10:48,533
Who is
this blubbering mess?
186
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:51,867
I think he was Opie.
187
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:57,368
Opie was Ron Howard,
you little fool.
188
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,533
I was--
189
00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:03,734
No, I am the Beaver!
190
00:11:04,534 --> 00:11:07,934
Thank you, Jerry Mathers.
Everybody. Everybody.
191
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,900
Spare me
your pity clap.
192
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,633
Sign this, Opie.
193
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,468
It's Jerry,
and it'll be two bucks.
194
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,667
Well,
what I think, uh--
195
00:11:25,701 --> 00:11:27,567
I think Mr. Mathers
means is, uh,
196
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:29,600
contestants,
wish each other good luck.
197
00:11:29,634 --> 00:11:30,600
Drop dead.
198
00:11:30,634 --> 00:11:31,767
Lick feet.
Eat dust.
199
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,867
Grow hair.
200
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:36,733
On your mark...
201
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:38,667
get set...
202
00:11:39,901 --> 00:11:41,500
...go!
203
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,800
Come on, Peg. Come on, Peg!
204
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:52,033
Follow me, Peg!
Follow me, baby!
205
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:55,099
Come on, Peg, follow me!
Just like we planned.
206
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:57,834
Just like we practiced.
Here's one.
207
00:11:57,868 --> 00:11:59,867
Here's two. Here's three.
208
00:11:59,901 --> 00:12:03,967
Peg! Peg!
Where is that damn woman?
209
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,500
Look, Al. "Do It To Me Red."
210
00:12:06,534 --> 00:12:09,033
They never have this
at my salon.
211
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:12,301
Look, if you want me,
I'll be in beauty supplies.
212
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,266
Hut!
Hut!
213
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,333
Hut!
Hut!
214
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:16,667
Hut!
Hut!
215
00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:17,867
Hut!
Hu--
216
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:19,366
Too cheap, honey.
We don't need it.
217
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,034
I know.
218
00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:32,400
Look, Al. I found
this really expensive--
219
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:34,400
Al?
220
00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:38,233
Al Bundy, would you stop
fooling around?
221
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:40,034
Come on.
222
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:43,867
Al!
223
00:12:43,901 --> 00:12:47,767
Uh, listen, could you settle
a bet between me and my sister?
224
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,966
Now, she says you frittered away
all your money
225
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,200
on booze and cheap women.
226
00:12:53,234 --> 00:12:56,967
I say doughnuts
and cheap booze.
227
00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:03,101
Give me a quarter
or just go away.
228
00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:18,267
Get it in there.
Let's go. Let's go.
229
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,734
Viva la Cart of Death!
230
00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:39,633
Mr. Beaver?
231
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:42,867
Could you settle another bet
between me and my brother?
232
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:45,900
He says that you're so low,
that for this nickel,
233
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:47,700
that you would stand
on this chair
234
00:13:47,734 --> 00:13:49,800
and bellow
like a moose.
235
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,800
Now, I say, if you could
bellow like a moose,
236
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,234
why would you be here?
237
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:57,033
Beav.
238
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,133
Oh, Beav.
239
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:01,066
Attention, contestants.
240
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,467
Our first totals are in.
241
00:14:02,501 --> 00:14:04,600
The Bundys, $210.
242
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:07,301
The D'Arcys, 270.
243
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:11,401
Eat
hot grocery death!
244
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,934
Al! Honey!
We're losing!
245
00:14:14,968 --> 00:14:16,700
Now, you're a pro at that.
Do something!
246
00:14:16,734 --> 00:14:17,834
Stay calm, Peg.
247
00:14:17,868 --> 00:14:19,467
We've been paying
too much attention
248
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:20,733
to what they
have been doing.
249
00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:22,200
From now on,
we play with our heads
250
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:23,567
instead of our hearts.
Come on.
251
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:24,567
Okay.
252
00:14:24,601 --> 00:14:25,567
Hut!
253
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:27,266
Hut!
254
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,867
Come on, Marcie.
Hut!
255
00:14:30,133 --> 00:14:31,900
Jefferson.
Huh?
256
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:41,233
See, Peg, if I was playing with
my heart instead of my head,
257
00:14:41,267 --> 00:14:42,999
I'd have waited
till Marcie was loading.
258
00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:44,633
Oh, you're a good man, Al.
259
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:47,201
And a pretty darn
good friend too.
260
00:14:49,734 --> 00:14:52,700
Come on, Peg!
Come on, Peg!
261
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:56,366
the D'Arcys, $720 worth.
262
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,567
The Bundys, $710.
263
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,700
Look, here's 50 cents.
264
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:04,767
It's all I have.
265
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:07,468
Just please,
leave me alone.
266
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,300
Just one last question,
267
00:15:10,334 --> 00:15:13,900
if all the autographs hounds
can stay back for a second...
268
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,800
Did you ever think of teaming up
with the Eddie Munster kid
269
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,301
for the Thoroughly
Pathetic Tour '91?
270
00:15:22,267 --> 00:15:24,867
Look...
271
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:27,099
let's get this over with
once and for all.
272
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:29,999
I may have to earn
a pathetic living
273
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:32,033
by donning the cap
of the Beaver
274
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,767
and appearing
at supermarkets,
275
00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:39,567
but at least my father doesn't
sell women's shoes.
276
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:50,800
Golly, that felt good.
277
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:32,767
That's my douche!
278
00:16:32,801 --> 00:16:34,401
Oh, yeah?
279
00:16:35,901 --> 00:16:37,934
Yeah? Well, you touched
my Girlie Fizz.
280
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:39,834
Come on, give me that.
It's mine and I want it.
281
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:42,166
Damn it, Al!
Now, we're both men.
282
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,333
There's plenty of room
in feminine hygiene
283
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:46,366
for the both of us.
284
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,067
All right?
Let's shake on it.
285
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:55,667
I'm blind!
286
00:16:55,701 --> 00:16:58,401
And I smell
like summer rain!
287
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:02,467
Peg! Peg, where are you?
288
00:17:02,501 --> 00:17:04,266
Right here, honey.
289
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,667
Damn Jefferson blinded me
with feminine goo.
290
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:09,934
He ought to take some home
and spray it in his own eyes
291
00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:11,333
before he gets in bed
with that--
292
00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:12,934
Ow!
293
00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:14,567
Ow!
294
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,433
Al, Al, honey, come on,
stop dilly-dallying.
295
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:19,633
We're behind!
296
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:20,900
Come on.
297
00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:23,034
Let's go.
298
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,700
Jefferson, bonanza!
299
00:17:24,734 --> 00:17:26,633
Imported water!
300
00:17:26,968 --> 00:17:28,934
Oh, my God, my contact.
301
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:31,101
I've lost my contact.
302
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:36,433
You know, the problem
with you, Al,
303
00:17:36,467 --> 00:17:39,033
is you're playing too much
with Jefferson and Marcie
304
00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:41,500
to pay attention
to what you're doing.
305
00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:45,967
I guess I'll just have to pay
attention for the both of us.
306
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:52,900
Jefferson, I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
307
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,166
Marcie? Marcie?
308
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,167
Where are you?
309
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:08,733
There you are.
310
00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:11,733
Look, Marcie.
Shallots from Italy.
311
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:14,133
You know how much
these babies are worth?
312
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:15,667
I don't know, honey.
313
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:18,733
You think now you could
dash over to the first-aid aisle
314
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:21,233
and see if you can find me
an artery clip?
315
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,500
Okey-dokey.
316
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:28,734
Ah, me.
317
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:36,567
That's me.
318
00:18:36,601 --> 00:18:38,667
I was the Beaver.
319
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,533
Who?
320
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:08,467
Our two families are running
neck and neck.
321
00:19:08,501 --> 00:19:11,233
The, uh, the D'Arcys, $990.
322
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:13,900
The Bundys, $979.
323
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:17,500
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's a horse race.
324
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:30,033
They've incapacitated
the Cart of Death, Peg!
325
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:33,166
Oh, no.
Al, we're gonna lose!
326
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,500
Not this time, babe.
327
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,967
Stee-rike!
328
00:20:16,968 --> 00:20:19,934
One thousand dollars!
The Bundys win!
329
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:23,533
We won! We won!
330
00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,733
Peg! Peg, where are you?
331
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,166
Where are you, Peg?
332
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,166
I'm comin', Al.
333
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,433
I'm comin'.
334
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:31,900
Gangway!
335
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,900
No, Peg, no! It's over!
336
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,934
Well, I married her.
337
00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:45,934
Well, throw another city
on the barbie, eh, God?
338
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:49,066
It's 112, so please remember
to crack the window
339
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,834
when you leave Grandma
in the car.
340
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:54,066
Oh, this is the life,
isn't it?
341
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,133
Mm-hmm.
342
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:57,266
Food and
an air conditioner.
343
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,966
Well, your father finally
came through for us.
344
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,500
So when's Daddy gonna be
able to enjoy all this?
345
00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:03,733
Well, I don't know.
346
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:05,266
The doctor says that cool air
347
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:07,900
isn't really good
for an exposed liver.
348
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,266
But don't worry,
Daddy's happy in his pool.
349
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:14,001
And I just brought him
a nice cool drink.1
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,433
Damn.
2
00:01:20,467 --> 00:01:24,033
I know that man has money
hidden here somewhere.
3
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,433
Well, I can't
find any,
4
00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:28,567
and I have searched
my eyes to the bone.
5
00:01:29,801 --> 00:01:31,900
Well, I know it's
here somewhere.
6
00:01:31,934 --> 00:01:33,867
Bud, you were downstairs
for two hours.
7
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:35,300
Didn't you
find anything?
8
00:01:35,334 --> 00:01:37,401
Uh-- Absolutely
nothing.
9
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:40,301
Hm?
10
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:46,468
I-- I brought these
down with me.
11
00:01:47,667 --> 00:01:49,667
Now, I know
he has hidden money.
12
00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:51,600
I got a sign
from above.
13
00:01:51,634 --> 00:01:55,567
This morning, the bacon strips
on my Grand Slam breakfast
14
00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:58,001
were in the shape
of dollar signs.
15
00:01:59,534 --> 00:02:02,134
You had
a Grand Slam breakfast.
16
00:02:02,267 --> 00:02:03,266
Oh.
17
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:05,434
Didn't I take
you two with me?
18
00:02:06,968 --> 00:02:08,200
Oh, I know.
19
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:10,800
I just ordered things
I knew you'd like.
20
00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:12,767
Did I have
the sausage?
21
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,966
A double order.
22
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,734
Ha.
23
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:20,567
Okay, kids.
Let's go back to work.
24
00:02:20,601 --> 00:02:22,600
I know he has money
here somewhere.
25
00:02:22,634 --> 00:02:25,134
Now, who wants to check
his underwear drawer?
26
00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:30,066
All right.
I'll check his underwear.
27
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,834
After all,
he has only one pair.
28
00:02:33,701 --> 00:02:35,166
Now, Bud,
you take the closet.
29
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,333
Appropriate
for you, Bud.
30
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:40,066
And, Kelly, honey, you take
the back seat of the car.
31
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:43,066
Appropriate
for you, Kel.
32
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:44,800
All right.
33
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:48,034
Whoa, money!
34
00:03:29,734 --> 00:03:31,234
Hi, Dad.
35
00:03:34,501 --> 00:03:37,334
Save the effort
for the bathroom, Dad.
36
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,066
I saw the money.
37
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,166
Pretty crafty hiding it
in the one place
38
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,500
that even Mom has always
feared to tread.
39
00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:47,166
It's not what you think.
40
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,167
Oh, then, you're not gonna
go somewhere without us?
41
00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:53,301
Well, then, it is
what you think.
42
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,800
But, son...
43
00:03:55,834 --> 00:03:58,533
I'm going to
a shoe convention.
44
00:03:59,634 --> 00:04:01,800
I thought after
your failed, beer-induced
45
00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:03,433
"shoe d'tat"
back in '87,
46
00:04:03,467 --> 00:04:05,834
you were barred from
the conventions for life.
47
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:07,633
I was.
48
00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,300
But Jim Thompson wasn't.
49
00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:11,333
And that's my new name.
50
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:12,934
Uh, Dad--
51
00:04:12,968 --> 00:04:14,533
Uh-- Call me Jim.
52
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,867
Jim, uh...
53
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:20,233
Surely even a dull man
has asked himself,
54
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:22,433
"Why would anyone wanna
go to a shoe convention?"
55
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:24,733
To stay on the cutting edge
of the shoe business, son.
56
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:26,567
To exchange
shoe information.
57
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:28,900
To find out
new shoe technology.
58
00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:33,401
To bounce shoe groupies
on my knee.
59
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:36,934
And more importantly--
60
00:04:36,968 --> 00:04:39,400
and this is something you must
never, ever tell your mother
61
00:04:39,434 --> 00:04:40,867
-- this year, it's in L.A.
62
00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:42,700
L.A.?
63
00:04:42,734 --> 00:04:47,234
Home of Hollywood, sunshine,
and huge, man-made hooters?
64
00:04:49,234 --> 00:04:52,900
And-- And let's not forget
their world-famous shoe stores.
65
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:57,267
Oh, and what about
the city's culture?
66
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,266
I've been saving up
all my money.
67
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,201
Oh, look what
I already bought.
68
00:05:06,234 --> 00:05:08,101
"Producer."
69
00:05:09,467 --> 00:05:10,733
I'm gonna-- I'm
gonna put it
70
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:13,468
on the front of the old Dodge
to trick the chicks.
71
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,133
Now, son.
72
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:18,033
Remember...you must
not utter a word
73
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,301
to any member
of the family.
74
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:22,366
I swear, Dad.
75
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:23,999
When do we leave?
76
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,567
We, son? Well--
77
00:05:25,601 --> 00:05:27,999
I seek fun,
I go alone.
78
00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:29,500
Now, remember, son,
79
00:05:29,534 --> 00:05:31,834
you're the man
of the house now.
80
00:05:31,868 --> 00:05:33,333
And remember...
81
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:36,134
silence for
the brotherhood of men.
82
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:39,133
Mom, Dad has
money!
83
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:41,334
He's planning to
spend it without us!
84
00:05:43,267 --> 00:05:45,867
I knew it.
I knew it!
85
00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:47,233
The bacon
never lies.
86
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,166
Yes. He's going
to L.A.
87
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:50,467
L.A.?
88
00:05:50,501 --> 00:05:53,234
We're going
to Long Island?
89
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,934
No, honey.
90
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:57,567
It's Los Angeles
we're going to!
91
00:05:57,601 --> 00:05:58,900
We're going to
Los Angeles!
92
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:01,533
No, you're not.
I'm going alone.
93
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:02,966
Can we drop in on Hef?
94
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:03,966
No!
95
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,266
Can we go to
Garfield's house?
96
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,633
No!
97
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:10,266
Oh, Al, can I buy a bra
at Frederick's of Hollywood?
98
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:12,334
Hell, no!
99
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:15,999
Now, hear me, all of you.
100
00:06:16,033 --> 00:06:17,500
I'm going alone.
101
00:06:17,534 --> 00:06:19,999
You can scream,
you can cry.
102
00:06:20,033 --> 00:06:22,001
Peg, you can threaten me
with sex.
103
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,600
You're not going.
104
00:06:30,634 --> 00:06:34,167
I, Jim Thompson,
have spoken.
105
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,934
* 99 bottles of beer
On the wall *
106
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:39,600
* 99 bottles of beer *
107
00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:41,633
* You take one down
You pass it around *
108
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,099
* 98 bottles of beer
On the wall *
109
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:45,033
Beautiful country, isn't it?
110
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:47,667
* 98 bottles of beer... *
111
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:51,767
It smells in this car.
112
00:06:52,701 --> 00:06:54,567
That's America
you're smelling, kids.
113
00:06:54,601 --> 00:06:56,667
Just look
at its majesty.
114
00:06:56,701 --> 00:06:59,066
* Toodle-lumma-lumma
Toodle-lumma-lumma *
115
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,733
* Toodle-ee-ay *
116
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:04,700
* I picked my bananas
All along the way *
117
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:08,233
* Singing toodle-lumma-lumma
Toodle-ee-ay *
118
00:07:08,267 --> 00:07:10,767
Daddy, are we there yet?
119
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:13,600
Don't bother your father
while he's driving, Kelly.
120
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,567
Are we, Al?
121
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,434
Al, wake up!
122
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:19,733
* 99 bottles of beer *
123
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:20,834
* Pass it along-- 98-- *
124
00:07:20,868 --> 00:07:23,034
Where are we?
125
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:35,600
Chill in the air,
eh, Zeke?
126
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:39,134
I thought
you were Zeke.
127
00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:46,067
Maybe I am.
128
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:51,567
Go on inside
and saut us up a varmint.
129
00:07:53,868 --> 00:07:55,366
Hey, look.
130
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,366
There's something
you don't see every day:
131
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,167
people.
132
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,300
Are we alive?
133
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:06,233
Ah, what do I know?
134
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,366
Last thing I know,
we're on Route 666,
135
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,867
and now we got
a broken axle on our car.
136
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:12,999
Nice driving,
pumpkin.
137
00:08:13,033 --> 00:08:14,867
It was not my fault.
138
00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:16,800
I saw a sign
that said "dip,"
139
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:20,001
so naturally,
I looked at Bud...
Oh.
140
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:23,233
The next thing I knew,
we were airborne.
141
00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:25,034
Look, Al.
142
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:27,433
Seems like
we happened upon
143
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:30,633
a shoe salesman
convention after all.
144
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:33,133
All right. All right,
let me handle this.
145
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:36,934
Uh, excuse me,
Six Tooth... Uh...
146
00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:40,600
You know where I can
get a car fixed?
147
00:08:40,634 --> 00:08:44,300
Gas station,
I reckon.
148
00:08:44,334 --> 00:08:46,133
Is there one
around here?
149
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,500
Oh, yeah.
You just can't see it
150
00:08:48,534 --> 00:08:50,934
for the hurly-burly
of the traffic.
151
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:53,201
But it's right across
the street.
152
00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:01,200
Peg, why don't you
do the talking?
153
00:09:01,234 --> 00:09:02,467
They speak
your language.
154
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:04,733
They're like
your relatives.
155
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:06,166
Look, gentlemen.
156
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,433
There is a cool 25 cents
in it for you
157
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:11,500
if you can haul
our car to a station.
158
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:15,500
Well...normally
it would be $400.
159
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:17,867
But we'll do it
for 200
160
00:09:17,901 --> 00:09:20,133
if you let us
take our picture with you,
161
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:22,167
leopardwoman.
162
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:26,233
Oh, Al.
163
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:28,233
The rubes
think I'm sexy.
164
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,233
Yeah.
165
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:30,700
Yeah,
I would too, Peg,
166
00:09:30,734 --> 00:09:33,434
if I drank whiskey
for breakfast.
167
00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:40,300
How much money we got?
168
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:41,366
Cash or in the bank?
169
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,467
Either.
170
00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,066
Including
the traveler's checks?
171
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:45,066
Yes.
172
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,834
Five dollars.
173
00:09:46,868 --> 00:09:48,633
Five dollars?
174
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,266
Where'd the rest
of my money go?
175
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,966
Well...I guess one of us
shouldn't have stopped
176
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,533
at Oklahoma Nude.
177
00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:57,333
Oh, pardon me
for seeing America.
178
00:09:57,367 --> 00:09:59,200
Well, I guess the only thing
left for us to do
179
00:09:59,234 --> 00:10:01,533
is to wire Marcie and tell her
we need some more money.
180
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,366
She may not take
too kindly to that though,
181
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,233
since we borrowed
her tires late last night
182
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,433
while she was sleeping.
183
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:08,667
Just tell her the kids
are sick and near death.
184
00:10:08,701 --> 00:10:10,099
Come on.
185
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:12,900
Daddy, we are
dying of thirst.
186
00:10:12,934 --> 00:10:14,567
Buy some pop.
187
00:10:14,601 --> 00:10:15,733
All right.
188
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:18,334
Look at this. A nickel.
189
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,967
How do these rubes
make any money?
190
00:10:23,133 --> 00:10:25,034
Let's see.
191
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,667
I don't see
any bottle opener.
192
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:34,700
You will,
when we see $5.
193
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:38,733
Five dollars for
a bottle opener?
194
00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:40,533
You people
are crooks.
195
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:41,834
Yep.
196
00:10:41,868 --> 00:10:44,533
But we ain't thirsty.
197
00:10:47,767 --> 00:10:49,767
Aw, here
you go.
198
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,700
Aw, kids,
this was a...
199
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:55,867
A good idea.
200
00:10:55,901 --> 00:10:57,966
God, it's hot.
201
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,267
Mm-hm.
202
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,800
Ah!
203
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,467
Oh, that's good.
204
00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:12,067
Ah.
205
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,233
Well, Marcie's money ought to
be here any minute now.
206
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:16,533
Oh. Let me
get these shoes off.
207
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:19,401
Get these dogs out.
208
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,767
Thank you.
209
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,400
Uh...
210
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:50,201
Have you considered
our proposal?
211
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,867
I couldn't possibly
marry you all.
212
00:11:53,901 --> 00:11:56,800
We didn't say marry.
213
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,900
You wouldn't survive
one night.
214
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:03,468
Guess not.
215
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:11,467
Hey. Nice catch there,
Young Zeke.
216
00:12:11,501 --> 00:12:16,201
Yep. But he killed
his better with his feet.
217
00:12:17,334 --> 00:12:19,434
Well, uh...
218
00:12:20,868 --> 00:12:24,101
What do you do around here
for fun, ZZ Tops?
219
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:41,333
All right,
Kelly. Kelly.
220
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:42,433
Hold it--
Hold it there.
221
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:43,500
All right.
222
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:45,300
All right, partners,
you wanna see more,
223
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:48,201
put another
nickel in.
224
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,200
Can we have
the little boy
225
00:12:52,234 --> 00:12:54,033
stand on his head
some more?
226
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:56,533
I can't get
enough of that.
227
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,467
Well, the boy's
a little dizzy, so, uh...
228
00:12:59,501 --> 00:13:02,400
I'm gonna have to
up the price to a dime.
229
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:04,101
Well...
230
00:13:04,901 --> 00:13:06,967
Bud, go ahead.
231
00:13:15,901 --> 00:13:18,433
That was only worth
a nickel.
232
00:13:18,467 --> 00:13:22,233
But you have the girl there
shake her behind again,
233
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:24,233
and we'll call it even.
234
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,366
Kelly.
235
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,734
Daddy, I have heat probation.
236
00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:32,667
When is Marcie gonna
wire us the money?
237
00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:34,734
It's been seven hours.
238
00:13:35,934 --> 00:13:37,033
Howdy, Zeke.
239
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,667
Hi.
240
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,333
Well, just made
the last trip
241
00:13:41,367 --> 00:13:44,001
I'm ever gonna take
to that mine.
242
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:46,934
Got plenty of money.
243
00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:50,867
All I needs now is a car
to get me to the big city.
244
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,934
Hey, $6 million enough
for a good city woman?
245
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,700
Barely.
246
00:13:58,334 --> 00:14:00,233
Ow, I-- I--
247
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:01,700
I got a rock
in my shoe.
248
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:04,967
Damn nuggets
are everywhere.
249
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,667
Hey, that looks like
real gold.
250
00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:10,300
Watch it, now!
251
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:13,200
Anybody here want to
take this here mine
252
00:14:13,234 --> 00:14:15,300
off my hands?
253
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,266
How about you,
Young Zeke?
254
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,333
Not me.
255
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:22,734
Accountant says I got to curtail
my spending this quarter.
256
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:26,433
How about you, Zeke?
257
00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:27,999
Not me.
258
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,333
Bad back.
259
00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:31,966
Can't bend over
and pick up gold anymore.
260
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,733
That's why I got
this here bottle opener.
261
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:40,166
Besides, I ain't
got a car to trade you.
262
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,300
Daddy, we have a car.
263
00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:42,700
Shh! Don't look
too anxious.
264
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:44,700
Dad, Dad, what
if it's a scam?
265
00:14:45,534 --> 00:14:48,267
Only one way
to find out.
266
00:14:55,868 --> 00:14:57,533
Gold!
267
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,733
Listen, mister...
268
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:05,333
all I got is the car, the kids
and the wife on my back.
269
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:07,099
Please, what do you say?
You wanna sell?
270
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:09,999
Well, I don't know.
You look like a nice fella.
271
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:12,467
Gold would just
ruin your life.
272
00:15:12,501 --> 00:15:14,366
And you've already
got it all.
273
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,900
A wife, kids...
274
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:20,099
Must have more than this.
275
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:23,300
Besides, you don't know
what gold does to a man's soul.
276
00:15:23,334 --> 00:15:25,300
It-- I-it turns families
into mobs.
277
00:15:25,334 --> 00:15:27,300
I- It brings hatred
and violence.
278
00:15:27,334 --> 00:15:31,500
Turns brother against sister,
and husband agin wife.
279
00:15:31,534 --> 00:15:33,200
So i-it'd be just like
my life now,
280
00:15:33,234 --> 00:15:34,900
except I'd have gold
in both fists,
281
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,467
and I'd be saying,
"Yippee, yippee."
282
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:40,066
Well. All right.
283
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,600
Like my daddy
used to say,
284
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:42,999
"You can lead a horse
to water,
285
00:15:43,033 --> 00:15:44,633
but you know
he'll make a mess."
286
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,433
What does that mean?
287
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:48,533
It means...
288
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:50,800
a horse is a horse,
of course, of course,
289
00:15:50,834 --> 00:15:53,867
but no one should drink
with a horse, of course.
290
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,600
Well, a couple of years
in them mountains,
291
00:15:58,634 --> 00:16:01,234
you'll be laughing
yourtuckusesoff at that one.
292
00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:04,066
Uh, Kelly, give
the nice man
293
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,867
Daddy's car keys.
294
00:16:06,834 --> 00:16:08,333
It's the Dodge
parked out back
295
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,333
with "producer"
on the license plate,
296
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:14,334
and an odometer that
reads 7 million miles.
297
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,133
Dodge is
a damn fine car.
298
00:16:17,167 --> 00:16:21,034
Ran over my wife
with a Dodge.
299
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:27,900
Well, I could
always
300
00:16:27,934 --> 00:16:29,233
buy a new Dodge
for that.
301
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:31,133
Come on, kids,
let's pick some gold!
302
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:32,567
Yes!
303
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,234
No, wait. Wait!
304
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:35,800
Wait, son!
305
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:39,266
You need mules and-- And picks.
And guns for bandits.
306
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:42,034
And a horse,
of course, of course.
307
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:45,200
You don't see
the humor, son?
308
00:16:45,234 --> 00:16:46,934
Well, you're gonna
need supplies,
309
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:49,368
and it's gonna
take money.
310
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,800
Uh-oh. It's Marcy
getting out of her cab.
311
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,133
Uh-- Kids,
cripple up.
312
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:01,067
Al, die.
313
00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:07,934
Oh, Peg. Peggy, we came
as fast as we could.
314
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:09,633
Are the children
all right?
315
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:11,934
Gee, I-- I thought you were
gonna wire the money.
316
00:17:11,968 --> 00:17:14,366
Well, we decided we should come
in case you needed help.
317
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,333
Yeah, but you did
bring the money, didn't you?
318
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,200
Yes, yes,
it's right here.
319
00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:20,467
Oh, my God.
320
00:17:20,501 --> 00:17:22,567
Poor Al.
321
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:24,966
Look, he's decomposing
already--
322
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,600
Gimme that!
323
00:17:27,534 --> 00:17:30,066
He's alive!
It's a miracle!
324
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:32,066
No, no. A miracle
would be like--
325
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,567
Like finding a rock
shaped like Ricky Schroder.
326
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:39,900
You mean to tell me
your kids aren't even hurt?
327
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,266
Uh, well, growing up
like this,
328
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,900
you can't exactly say
we're healthy.
329
00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:45,934
Uh, go play
with the Zekes, kids.
330
00:17:45,968 --> 00:17:49,533
How dare you call us
and tell us Al was killed.
331
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,999
The whole neighborhood
was dancing and singing,
332
00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:54,700
* Ding-dong
The shoeman's dead *
333
00:17:59,901 --> 00:18:01,800
It's a cruel hoax,
Peggy.
334
00:18:01,834 --> 00:18:04,867
Why would you
do such a thing? Why? Why?
335
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:06,834
For gold.
Heh.
336
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,834
Look, Marcie,
a gold nugget.
337
00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:13,600
Oh, don't tell me
you fools have gold fever.
338
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,066
It's the 1990s,
for God's sake.
339
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:18,133
What kind of idiot
still gets gold fever
340
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:20,067
in this day and age?
341
00:18:20,734 --> 00:18:22,967
Marcie...
342
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:25,066
It's real gold.
343
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,567
I love it. I kiss it.
344
00:18:26,601 --> 00:18:28,233
Mwah. I worship it.
345
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:31,167
And if it'll do me the honor,
I'll marry it.
346
00:18:32,334 --> 00:18:35,333
Oh, gold,
thou art my master.
347
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,667
Command me!
348
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,633
Well, I guess
it's real, all right.
349
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,767
Where'd you get this?
350
00:18:46,801 --> 00:18:49,133
From the man
with the flies.
351
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:51,468
Yeah. And I got it
off him.
352
00:18:52,868 --> 00:18:54,166
You see,
we bought the mine,
353
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,099
but we don't have enough
money for supplies.
354
00:18:56,133 --> 00:18:57,400
Huh.
355
00:18:57,434 --> 00:18:59,233
Look, uh...
356
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:01,467
Let me take care
of that. Okay?
357
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:03,167
Okay.
358
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:07,267
Whew!
359
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:39,433
I don't know, old-timer.
360
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:41,366
You know...
361
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,301
this nugget just doesn't look
like it's worth that much.
362
00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:50,401
It's really worth
a whole lot.
363
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:56,733
So...how many more are there
up there like this?
364
00:19:56,767 --> 00:19:58,366
Well, there's enough
to keep you
365
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,533
and your little
fella here...
366
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:08,667
in baseball cards
for the rest of his life.
367
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:14,468
Get your lice-ridden hands
off me, Festus.
368
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,467
I am his wife.
369
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:20,366
Oh.
370
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,099
Well, if I'm gonna
go to the big city,
371
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:25,101
I guess I'd better
get liberal.
372
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:29,366
So, uh, how much
you asking for
373
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,066
your prospecting
equipment?
374
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:35,200
Well, $200 and, uh,
the little lady's bracelet.
375
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,133
Oh. That's
my mother's bracelet.
376
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:38,233
It's
impossible--
377
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:39,834
It's done.
Done.
378
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:41,467
All right.
379
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,099
We're rich. Ha-ha.
380
00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:44,667
You're
half-rich.
381
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:46,500
We got the map,
you got the supplies.
382
00:20:46,534 --> 00:20:49,533
That means, uh...
we're partners, huh?
383
00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:55,099
Partners?
384
00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:56,099
Partners.
385
00:20:56,133 --> 00:20:57,934
Partners.
386
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,166
Well, it looks like the Bundys
and the D'Arcys
387
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,667
are off to them thar hills
to search for gold.
388
00:21:05,701 --> 00:21:07,467
Will Al strike it rich
389
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:10,233
and finally be able to
afford his own bathroom
390
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:14,600
with toilet paper as soft
as a mother's kiss?
391
00:21:16,601 --> 00:21:18,233
Will Peggy strike it rich
392
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:20,733
and be able to get
her own platinum credit card,
393
00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:24,900
carried in the loincloth
of a Nubian god?
394
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:31,434
Will Jefferson dump Marcie
and elope with his nugget?
395
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:36,233
Will Marcie ever
be able to detach
396
00:21:36,267 --> 00:21:39,934
Young Zeke's hound dog
from her leg?
397
00:21:42,734 --> 00:21:44,934
Will Kelly trade
all her gold nuggets
398
00:21:44,968 --> 00:21:48,134
for a shiny new nickel?
399
00:21:49,968 --> 00:21:52,734
Will Bud
steal her nickel?
400
00:21:56,834 --> 00:21:59,667
Will anyone find out
Buck had all his friends over
401
00:21:59,701 --> 00:22:01,567
while he had the house
to himself,
402
00:22:01,601 --> 00:22:03,567
and partied till he puked?
403
00:22:03,601 --> 00:22:05,633
We'll find out next week
404
00:22:05,667 --> 00:22:08,700
on Married With Children.1
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:18,300
Last week on
Married With Children,
2
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:19,567
the Bundys went on vacation,
3
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:22,667
and got stranded
in Lucifer, New Mexico.
4
00:01:24,467 --> 00:01:26,166
They met an old prospector
5
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,099
who offered to trade them
his gold mine
6
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:30,300
for the family's old Dodge.
7
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:32,433
Dodge is
a damn fine car.
8
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:35,400
Ran over my wife
with a Dodge.
9
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:37,266
Then the prospector
warned them
10
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:39,999
gold can turn families
against each other.
11
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,400
So it'd be just like
my life now,
12
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,900
except I'd have gold
in both fists,
13
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:44,467
and I'd be saying
"Yippee, yippee."
14
00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:46,800
With Al's car, and
Marcie's and Jefferson's money,
15
00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:49,366
they bought the mine and
set out to strike it rich.
16
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,366
Well, the plot's simple enough.
17
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,600
And now, Married
With Children continues.
18
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:05,567
See, son...
19
00:02:05,601 --> 00:02:07,433
I saved us
some money already.
20
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:10,101
We didn't need
no pack mules.
21
00:02:18,934 --> 00:02:21,133
Could somebody
help us out?
22
00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:22,500
Well, sure, honey.
23
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:24,800
Come on, you can
make it!
Come on.
24
00:02:24,834 --> 00:02:25,834
Go!
25
00:02:25,868 --> 00:02:27,300
Come on! You can do it!
26
00:02:27,334 --> 00:02:29,300
Hurry it up now!
Just a couple more steps!
27
00:02:29,334 --> 00:02:31,300
Thattaway!
There you go!
28
00:02:31,334 --> 00:02:33,333
Hey, all right.
That wasn't so tough.
29
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:35,500
Now, let's unpack
all these picks and shovels,
30
00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:37,900
and the rest of this
western crap...
31
00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:39,433
and start digging!
32
00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:40,633
Daddy, it is so hot,
33
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:42,967
you could lay an egg
on the sidewalk.
34
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,567
Look, Al...we just
got done lugging
35
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:52,567
all the mining supplies,
plus your necessities.
36
00:02:52,601 --> 00:02:56,401
You know, two 12-packs
of Aurora white...
37
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,600
a newspaper,
38
00:02:58,634 --> 00:03:01,734
and the Preparation H
with sunscreen.
39
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:04,834
We want a rest.
40
00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:06,033
Rest?
41
00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:07,400
There's still
three hours of--
42
00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:09,467
Of 100,000-degree
daylight left.
43
00:03:09,501 --> 00:03:11,700
Now, come on, let's go to work.
Let's go to work.
44
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:13,200
Let's go, Marcie.
45
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,600
There's gold
in them thar hills.
46
00:03:14,634 --> 00:03:16,200
Let's get off
our duffs.
47
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:17,767
Thank you,
honey.
48
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:21,234
Now, would you bend over
and give me a target?
49
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,533
You know, Al,
I've been thinking.
50
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,533
I believe we should
all just take a little rest.
51
00:03:25,567 --> 00:03:28,101
Oh. You tenderfeet.
52
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,934
Do you realize
where we're standing?
53
00:03:30,968 --> 00:03:32,433
Well, I don't know
about us,
54
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:35,700
but you're standing
in coyote doodie.
55
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,867
Aside from that.
56
00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:40,366
Now, look here.
57
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,867
We're in the wild,
wild West.
58
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:44,934
And I wanna see a little
pioneer spirit.
59
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:46,999
I wanna see me
a little gumption.
60
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:49,266
I wanna see me
a little-- Ladybug.
61
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,067
Get it off me.
Get it off me!
62
00:04:00,701 --> 00:04:02,999
Now, look here.
63
00:04:03,033 --> 00:04:04,467
I'm sick of
your female whining.
64
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:06,600
Yeah!
Yeah!
65
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,400
Now, we have a chance
to get rich here.
66
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:10,633
He who dares, wins.
67
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,467
He who seeks, finds.
68
00:04:12,501 --> 00:04:14,667
He who digs...
69
00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:16,366
golds.
70
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:17,900
Now, Peg...
71
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:19,333
we've seen it
with our own eyes.
72
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:21,099
There's nuggets
in this here mine
73
00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:23,500
as big as your mother's behind.
74
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:27,400
And-- And just like
your mother's behind,
75
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,401
it's there for the taking...
76
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,800
by anyone with the courage
to reach out and grab it.
77
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:38,600
Now, I feels like
getting rich.
78
00:04:38,634 --> 00:04:41,433
How many of you mangy
varmints are with me?
79
00:04:41,467 --> 00:04:43,567
I'm with you!
80
00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:44,600
Let's go!
Come on.
81
00:04:44,634 --> 00:04:45,667
Okay. Okay!
82
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:47,600
Pull that
cup down.
83
00:04:47,634 --> 00:04:49,266
All right, good.
84
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:50,633
Now, if anybody needs me,
85
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:54,201
I, uh...got a little work
to do myself.
86
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,867
Would you
look at him?
87
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:07,633
And we followed
him.
88
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:09,366
What were
we thinking?
89
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,834
He's never found
anything, you know.
90
00:05:11,868 --> 00:05:14,667
Not even change
in the street.
91
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:18,334
He can barely find his ear
with his finger.
92
00:05:19,634 --> 00:05:21,166
Yeah.
93
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,533
Or chew gum
at the same time.
94
00:05:28,634 --> 00:05:31,201
Should she be
out in the sun?
95
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:35,433
Hey, Peg, look!
It's a flip-top lid!
96
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,834
It was in there.
97
00:05:40,334 --> 00:05:42,900
Good, baby.
98
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:46,001
Uh, I am dying
of thirst.
99
00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:50,099
Ah.
100
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,400
Anyone else want
some water?
101
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,167
It's not water.
It's sweat.
102
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,401
Eureka.
103
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:03,099
O, mighty one
in the heavens,
104
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,967
who created the mountains,
the seas and beer...
105
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,600
40 years of
plague and darkness,
106
00:06:09,634 --> 00:06:11,333
and now finally a light.
107
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,300
A golden light.
108
00:06:13,334 --> 00:06:15,767
It's gold.
109
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:18,567
What'd you find,
Al?
110
00:06:18,601 --> 00:06:20,800
Nothing.
111
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,099
You know, this may be
just a hunchback,
112
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:29,434
but I think
Daddy found something.
113
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,633
Oh, my--
114
00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:34,433
It's gold,
all right!
Oh, my--
115
00:06:34,467 --> 00:06:36,266
The bozo found gold!
116
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,800
We're rich!
117
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,333
Get out of
there!
118
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:44,400
Hey. What
are you doing?
119
00:06:44,434 --> 00:06:47,401
Hey, hey!
I found it first!
120
00:06:54,968 --> 00:06:57,033
It's so good to be
alone with you, baby.
121
00:06:57,067 --> 00:07:01,767
Oh. I could hold you
like this forever.
122
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:15,101
This is for the apartment.
123
00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:19,201
This is for the Corvette.
124
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:23,567
And this is
for Miss February.
125
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:32,267
Is this gold?
126
00:07:32,834 --> 00:07:34,166
N- no, honey.
127
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,334
Darn it, I haven't
found any real gold.
128
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:40,101
I'll take that!
Hey!
129
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:47,500
I- if we found this much
in three hours,
130
00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:49,233
imagine how much
we'll find tomorrow.
131
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:51,834
Oh, God!
We're actually rich.
132
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:54,467
What are you gonna do
with your share, Marcie?
133
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:57,134
I'm gonna share mine
with the poor.
134
00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:00,900
No, really.
135
00:08:00,934 --> 00:08:02,300
What are you gonna
do with yours?
136
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:04,333
I'm gonna buy
a seal coat,
137
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,700
a diamond car
with condor floor mats,
138
00:08:06,734 --> 00:08:08,600
and a bald eagle hat.
139
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:11,300
What about you,
honey?
140
00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:13,966
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
141
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,767
I have everything
I want, and...
142
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:18,934
everyone I want.
143
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,667
Hm.
144
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:23,999
By the way...
145
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:26,667
would you be upset if
I got a place of my own?
146
00:08:29,601 --> 00:08:31,101
Hey, Dad.
147
00:08:31,734 --> 00:08:33,368
I know what I'm gonna do.
148
00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:34,667
I'm gonna get me
a place
149
00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:37,033
right next to the old
Playboy Mansion.
150
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,767
You know, Hef's parties might
have died down by now,
151
00:08:39,801 --> 00:08:41,966
but, uh, he can still
sneak over the fence
152
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,368
and get some young stuff
at Club Bud.
153
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:48,500
Here, let me get that
spittle for you, son.
154
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:49,800
Kelly.
155
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:52,133
What about you,
dear?
156
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,900
Is this gold?
157
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,201
No, pumpkin.
158
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,867
I'll take that too, Peg!
No, no. I got it! No!
159
00:09:01,234 --> 00:09:03,301
My eye! All right!
My eye!
160
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:05,867
Oh, Peg. Ahh!
161
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,467
What about you, Peggy?
What are you going to do?
162
00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:11,800
Oh, I don't know. I--
163
00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:14,134
Probably make
a few changes. Ha-ha.
164
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,467
SorryI'm late.
165
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:40,166
Oh, that's all right,
sweetheart.
166
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,667
Just take your shirt off
and put it on the moose head.
167
00:09:58,601 --> 00:10:00,366
You know, maybe, uh,
168
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,700
redecorate or something.
169
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:05,567
What about you, honey?
170
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:07,934
Honey?
171
00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:25,700
And so...that's how
I defeated the robots
172
00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:28,867
in the first intergalactic
Super Bowl.
173
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,733
So, what do you wanna
do now, girls?
174
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:34,767
We'd just like
to serve you,
175
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,533
beautiful
one.
176
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,033
Well...what's
on the menu?
177
00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:43,600
Massage?
178
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:45,700
Whipped cream bath?
179
00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:49,600
Spanking?
180
00:10:51,601 --> 00:10:53,600
Horsy ride?
181
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,033
Or shall we go back
in our cages
182
00:10:58,067 --> 00:10:59,867
and frug for you again?
183
00:11:01,033 --> 00:11:02,233
Well, girls...
184
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:04,201
it's your dream.
185
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,567
Sorry I'm late.
186
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,633
Oh, that's
all right, dear.
187
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,800
Just hang up your robe
on the moose head.
188
00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:37,800
Oh, you know me, Peg.
189
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:40,834
I probably won't even
get off the couch.
190
00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:44,934
Hey.
I have an idea.
191
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,633
How about if
we all put
192
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,166
our gold together
in one sack,
193
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,067
and then we divvy it up
when we get home?
194
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,667
Gee, that's a great idea
for you, Kelly.
195
00:11:53,701 --> 00:11:55,467
You have nothing.
196
00:11:55,501 --> 00:11:56,867
Yeah. I work
harder than you.
197
00:11:56,901 --> 00:11:58,966
Why shouldIgive you
my gold?
198
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,500
Because...
199
00:12:00,534 --> 00:12:02,300
I'm your daughter.
200
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:05,066
Well, y-- And you always
will be, pumpkin, but...
201
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,034
you ain't gonna
have no gold.
202
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:09,800
Hey, Dad.
203
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,433
Didn't that
old prospector
204
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,834
warn us all about greed?
205
00:12:12,868 --> 00:12:15,033
Fine. Then you give Kelly
some of your gold.
206
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,167
Yeah.
207
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:21,034
Catch you
at the mission, babe.
208
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:24,800
All right. Look.
Here's what we should do.
209
00:12:24,834 --> 00:12:27,433
Some of us are obviously working
harder than others.
210
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:30,633
So I say what everybody finds,
everybody keeps.
211
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,567
We're all responsible
for our own goods.
212
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:33,733
That makes
sense.
213
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,066
Well said, honey.
214
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:38,001
Touch my gold again,
and I'll slap you silly.
215
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,468
All right, let's
all turn in.
All right.
216
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:55,400
Ah! Ah!
217
00:12:55,434 --> 00:12:57,734
Oh.
218
00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:06,134
Must have been
a coyote.
219
00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:09,167
Yeah.
220
00:13:09,968 --> 00:13:12,200
Must have been.
221
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:14,400
Good night.
Night.
222
00:13:14,434 --> 00:13:16,134
Good night.
Good night.
223
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:33,101
Al.
224
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,500
What?
225
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:40,900
I think we should kill
Marcie and Jefferson.
226
00:13:44,501 --> 00:13:47,667
Peg, listen to what
you're saying.
227
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:50,667
They can work for days
and gather more gold.
228
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:57,934
And then...
229
00:13:57,968 --> 00:13:59,533
if they should
accidentally walk
230
00:13:59,567 --> 00:14:01,067
in front of my rifle...
231
00:14:04,267 --> 00:14:05,533
Oh, you're
so smart, honey.
232
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:07,099
Yeah. Ah,
good night.
Good night.
233
00:14:07,133 --> 00:14:09,301
Good night.
234
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:14,266
Al.
235
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:16,533
What?
236
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:18,867
I don't trust
the kids.
237
00:14:22,334 --> 00:14:25,200
What are you guys
talking about over there?
238
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:27,966
Nothing. Nothing.
239
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,533
You're not gonna
kill us, are you?
240
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:34,733
Now, we wouldn't
do that.
241
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:37,300
We love you.
242
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:40,667
We love you
guys too. Huh.
243
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:42,600
We gotta get
that shotgun
244
00:14:42,634 --> 00:14:44,134
away from Dad.
245
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,233
We will. We will.
246
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:49,667
All in due time.
247
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:56,301
We love you guys!
248
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,700
We're dead.
249
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,934
Kelly...
250
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,301
that's not
real gold.
251
00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:33,967
Darn it. I never get
any real gold.
252
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,166
Get this away from me.
253
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,767
Stupid.
254
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,368
Al!
255
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:15,066
What?
256
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,767
There's a deadly
tarantula
257
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,567
crawling on
your arm.
258
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,934
Yeah, right.
259
00:16:25,968 --> 00:16:27,467
I get up to check,
260
00:16:27,501 --> 00:16:31,034
a shovel crushes
the back of my skull...
261
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:34,333
and my gold is gone.
262
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:37,600
I'm not falling
for that one, Peg.
263
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,600
Okay, honey.
Good night.
264
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,267
Good night.
265
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,234
Peg...
266
00:17:12,267 --> 00:17:16,600
There's a tarantula on me.
267
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:20,333
I need some help here.
268
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,300
You didn't
believe me.
269
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:24,500
I'm not speaking
to you.
270
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:26,767
I believe you.
I believe you.
271
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:28,567
Too late.
272
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:30,767
Hey, what's going on?
273
00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:36,167
Daddy has a tarantula
on his arm.
274
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:38,233
Wow! Look at
that thing.
275
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,900
Dibs on Dad's gold!
276
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:44,167
Hey. I know how
we could save Daddy.
Huh?
277
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:46,733
Kelly.
278
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:48,200
Don't.
279
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,200
You might hurt
Daddy.
280
00:17:50,234 --> 00:17:51,834
We'll shoot it
off him.
281
00:17:51,868 --> 00:17:53,033
Yeah.
282
00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:55,467
Daddy...give us
your gun.
283
00:17:55,501 --> 00:17:57,966
No. But I'll give you
both barrels
284
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,867
if you don't get
this monster off my arm...
285
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:03,900
Oh. I'll take care
of this, you big baby.
286
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,433
I can't believe it.
It's just a stupid spider.
287
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:09,700
Oh, Peg.
288
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,467
Oh! It's hot!
Oh, it's hot!
289
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:16,467
Oh.
Oh, God!
290
00:18:16,501 --> 00:18:18,267
Get his gold!
291
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,700
Gold! Gold!
Gold!
292
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:28,133
Well, I guess we've
293
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:29,200
played this mine out.
294
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:30,233
Time to get our gold
295
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:31,233
and go home.
296
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:33,233
Ha-ha-ha.
Where's Daddy?
297
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,767
Gee, I don't know. I--
298
00:18:34,801 --> 00:18:37,468
I haven't seen him
since he went insane.
299
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:41,167
Here he comes.
300
00:18:42,634 --> 00:18:45,600
I killed this squirrel
for looking at my gold.
301
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,333
Good work, Dad.
302
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:54,433
Uh, Al...
303
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,967
Hm?
304
00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:01,999
I think Dad's shoe-selling
days are just about over.
305
00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:03,999
I think Dad's
shoe-wearing days
306
00:19:04,033 --> 00:19:06,133
are just about over.
307
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:07,433
Y- you know...
308
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:10,200
we can't very well
take him home like this...
309
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:11,266
can we?
310
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,033
Huh. I-I know
I'm the new guy,
311
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:14,867
but if I have a vote...
312
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,533
I'd say kill him.
313
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:17,533
I heard that!
314
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:19,267
It wasn't me,
it was Marcie!
315
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,800
You all thinkI'm nuts!
But I'm not!
316
00:19:22,834 --> 00:19:24,767
Hold on, mister!
Don't move!
317
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,334
Ho!
318
00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:33,500
Well, it's not like
he was once a whole man.
319
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:35,734
Claim jumpers!
Oh.
320
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:37,900
The old
prospector
321
00:19:37,934 --> 00:19:39,233
warned us
about these guys.
322
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,034
Huh. Just act
natural.
323
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:45,667
What are you people
doing here?
324
00:19:45,701 --> 00:19:46,667
Hm?
325
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:47,934
We're, uh--
326
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:50,066
We're seeing
America.
327
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,667
We're loving each other.
328
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:54,567
What do you want?
329
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:55,767
Well, this is
the third stop
330
00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:57,767
on the Hell Hole
National Park tour.
331
00:19:57,801 --> 00:20:00,633
What kind of
exhibit is this?
332
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:05,633
We can see these kind of
people in Miami.
333
00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:08,033
Don't worry,
folks.
334
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:10,133
We'll clean out the Bigfoot
family in a second.
335
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,433
Grab your pans
336
00:20:11,467 --> 00:20:14,200
and share the forty-niner
experience.
337
00:20:14,234 --> 00:20:16,900
Yeah? Grab your butts
and kiss 'em goodbye.
338
00:20:17,567 --> 00:20:19,333
We own this here mine.
339
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:20,900
We bought it...
340
00:20:20,934 --> 00:20:23,033
from some old guy...
341
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:24,667
Looked like John Byner.
342
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,233
Oh, old Zeke.
343
00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:31,267
Is he still selling
fake mines to rubes?
344
00:20:31,801 --> 00:20:34,500
Look, son, this is
a national park.
345
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:37,433
And what you've got there
is fool's gold.
346
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:39,900
We salt the mines
for the rubes--
347
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:41,533
Uh, tourists.
348
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,099
But if it would
make you feel better,
349
00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:44,800
you can each carry
a nugget home...
350
00:20:44,834 --> 00:20:47,333
because fun and rocks
are what we're all about
351
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:49,167
at Hell Hole
National Park.
352
00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:53,733
Thanks a lot,
Al.
353
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:55,900
Four days
in this intense heat
354
00:20:55,934 --> 00:20:57,066
for nothing.
355
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:58,900
You are truly
a numskull!
356
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:00,667
Dimwit.
Total thief.
357
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:01,667
Cretin!
358
00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:03,800
Bombastic simpleton.
359
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:09,267
And a bad, bad daddy.
360
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:13,934
We don't have any gold.
361
00:21:14,467 --> 00:21:16,368
Now, listen.
Listen.
362
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,400
Now, I came here
to get real gold.
363
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:20,467
And I ain't leaving
364
00:21:20,501 --> 00:21:22,800
till I get real gold.
365
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,999
Under the heading,
"Isn't that bizarre,"
366
00:21:37,033 --> 00:21:39,133
today's story comes
from New Mexico,
367
00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:41,233
where an inbred,
insane family--
368
00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:43,467
a man with two wives
and three sons
369
00:21:43,501 --> 00:21:45,066
-- held up a group
of tourists.
370
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:47,633
They left them
with cash and diamonds.
371
00:21:47,667 --> 00:21:50,366
All the family said
they wanted was gold.
372
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,233
The reportedly stole
an old Dodge
373
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,533
from a prospector
who looked like John Byner,
374
00:21:54,567 --> 00:21:56,467
and were last seen
heading west
375
00:21:56,501 --> 00:21:57,600
towards Los Angeles.
376
00:21:57,634 --> 00:21:59,033
Do not approach them.
377
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:00,900
They are insane...
378
00:22:00,934 --> 00:22:01,934
unbathed
379
00:22:01,968 --> 00:22:03,834
and dangerous.
380
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,067
What time is it,
gang?
381
00:22:09,133 --> 00:22:11,900
Five after 3!1
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,433
Come on, Al.
2
00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,966
Is that the best you can do?
3
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,567
Peg, I can't concentrate
4
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:24,800
if you're gonna keep
shouting instructions.
5
00:01:25,334 --> 00:01:28,433
Not like that, you moron.
6
00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:31,200
Who taught you
to do this, anyway?
7
00:01:31,234 --> 00:01:33,033
All right, that's it. I quit.
8
00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,934
Haven't we done enough
for one day?
9
00:01:34,968 --> 00:01:36,266
Oh, all right.
10
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,533
At least ya did something.
11
00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:47,867
I'm sick of spending
my day-off scooping doodie.
12
00:01:47,901 --> 00:01:49,300
Damn dog.
13
00:01:49,334 --> 00:01:52,999
Why can't he use Marcie's yard
like everybody else?
14
00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:55,500
Well, here's another "why"
for you to ponder, honey.
15
00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:57,867
Why'd you bring
the doodie in the house?
16
00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,099
Heh-heh-heh.
17
00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:02,266
For the fun part, Peg.
18
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:03,834
Watch this.
19
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:10,567
Yow!
20
00:02:10,968 --> 00:02:12,967
Sorry, ma'am.
21
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,967
I hit a power-walker, Peg.
22
00:02:20,167 --> 00:02:21,133
She's coming in.
23
00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:22,800
Oh, whoa!
24
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,400
Come on, Bud.
25
00:02:27,434 --> 00:02:29,099
My assignment
for modeling school
26
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,900
is to take a total wreck
of a human,
27
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:32,433
a complete fashion frog,
28
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:33,667
and do a makeover.
29
00:02:33,701 --> 00:02:35,533
Please, I need an absolute zero,
30
00:02:35,567 --> 00:02:39,034
and everyone says
that you'd be perfect.
31
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:43,300
Now, I have carefully crafted
my look over the years
32
00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:47,368
into the finely-honed babe train
you see before you.
33
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:51,468
To look at me,
is to love me.
34
00:02:56,868 --> 00:03:00,734
Sometimes love's
a hurtin' thing.
35
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:03,133
I am not like
the other girls you know.
36
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,333
I don't wanna change
your face or your body
37
00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:07,567
or your odious personality.
38
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,533
Just give me a shot
at your clothes.
39
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:13,734
And what is wrong
with my clothes, Kel?
40
00:03:18,667 --> 00:03:21,167
Nothing, Yoda.
41
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,066
If you're referring
to the jacket,
42
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:33,533
the salesgirl said Kevin Costner
swears by these jackets.
43
00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:35,333
And it is not a Yoda jacket.
44
00:03:35,367 --> 00:03:37,266
If it was, it wouldn't have been
up on the rack
45
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,633
next to
the Dick Tracy raincoats.
46
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,966
Oh, God.
47
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,099
I'm dressed like
an action figure.
48
00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:48,233
Kel, help me. Shoot me.
Dress me.
49
00:03:48,267 --> 00:03:50,767
There, there, Ewok.
50
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,433
Just trust me.
51
00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:53,667
When I'm through with you,
52
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,433
the only laughter
that you're gonna hear
53
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:58,633
is when you're
out of your clothes.
54
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:16,834
Oh, Al.
Take me again.
55
00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:19,934
I didn't even know
I was taking you then.
56
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,333
I tripped on a box,
57
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:24,533
and then I thought
the furnace fell on me.
58
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:31,500
Probably God,
personally delivering a plague.
59
00:04:33,601 --> 00:04:34,633
Excuse me.
60
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:37,500
Is this magnificent
beast yours?
61
00:04:37,534 --> 00:04:39,500
Yes, but she's very expensive.
62
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,066
Uh, no.
63
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,433
No, I meant the dog.
64
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:46,133
I don't know
that dog.
Not ours.
65
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:48,099
We chased it
off the lawn.
Oh.
66
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:49,834
If you could tell me
whom he belongs to,
67
00:04:49,868 --> 00:04:53,334
it might be worth $10,000
to the owner.
68
00:04:53,901 --> 00:04:55,366
Ah, look, Peg.
69
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:59,099
That's our beloved
family pet.
70
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:02,366
I'm interested in using
your dog as a stud.
71
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,401
Well, let me--
Let me ask the dog.
72
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,800
What do you say, boy?
73
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:11,066
Well, he's not the most
attractive man in the world,
74
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,700
but he's got a kind face.
75
00:05:12,734 --> 00:05:14,767
Don't you think you could
maybe do something-- ?
76
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:18,066
It's not for me,
you nitwit.
77
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,500
It's for my dog.
78
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:22,333
Oh, uh...
79
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,366
For your dog.
Yeah.
80
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,900
Uh--
81
00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:29,733
Peg, why don't you go upstairs
and get Buck's jacket
82
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:33,400
and his little collar, you know,
his-- His evening collar.
83
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,500
Yeah, and maybe I better
throw in his muzzle.
84
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:40,067
We wouldn't want the other dog
to get his hand bit.
85
00:05:42,501 --> 00:05:43,800
Perhaps I should explain.
86
00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:46,600
Uh, perhaps you should
do it from there.
87
00:05:47,801 --> 00:05:50,999
I am the proud owner
of grand champion
88
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:53,467
Astoria's Lady of Marseilles.
89
00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:54,966
Winner of the best of breed,
90
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,600
Edinburgh International
Dog Show.
91
00:05:57,634 --> 00:06:01,467
I believe she is
the best briard bitch
92
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:03,834
on the circuit today.
93
00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:05,533
And I'd want to mate her
with your dog,
94
00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:07,600
whose fine bones
I couldn't help but notice
95
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:12,133
as he, um, fell down
when he lifted his leg to pee.
96
00:06:12,167 --> 00:06:14,700
Well, that can happen
to a guy.
97
00:06:14,734 --> 00:06:16,500
Many's the time
my leg falls asleep,
98
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:20,034
before you know it, whoop,
you're on your side.
99
00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:22,733
Spare us, Al.
100
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,467
Relive some
old football memories
101
00:06:24,501 --> 00:06:25,700
in your head
or something.
102
00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:27,800
I'm gonna talk
to this man.
103
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,633
So how do we get
that 10 thou?
104
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:32,966
By breeding your champion
with mine.
105
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,001
I'll fly her in
from Munich,
106
00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:39,934
and upon successful breeding,
107
00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:44,200
I will pay the stud fee
of $10,000.
108
00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:45,200
Here's my card.
109
00:06:45,234 --> 00:06:47,600
Call me to arrange a date.
110
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:49,900
Oh, and by the way,
111
00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:53,500
my Astoria is
a very discerning dog.
112
00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:55,533
So, for God's sakes,
113
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:59,600
please, brush
your dog's teeth.
114
00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:02,867
Oh!
115
00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:05,034
Did you hear that, Al?
116
00:07:08,901 --> 00:07:10,934
Wake up, Gipper.
117
00:07:10,968 --> 00:07:12,500
Look at him, Al.
118
00:07:12,534 --> 00:07:15,166
Our home finally has
a breadwinner.
119
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,233
And he's a good boy too.
120
00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:19,600
He's a good little boy.
You're gonna get a lot of money.
121
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:23,134
Yes, you are.
I was All City,
you know, boy.
122
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:25,600
God, what is taking him
so long?
123
00:07:25,634 --> 00:07:26,633
Bud, come down here,
124
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,934
the girls from my class
are waiting.
125
00:07:28,968 --> 00:07:30,934
I'm not ready.
126
00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:31,966
Relax, Kel.
127
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,433
What do you care
about your grade?
128
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:34,800
You're getting
a cut of $10,000
129
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:35,867
from your dog anyway.
130
00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:37,033
Yeah, but I'm probably
131
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,934
gonna have to put that away
for my old age.
132
00:07:38,968 --> 00:07:42,633
You know the big two-five
is not so far away.
133
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:46,133
I'm ready.
134
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:49,433
Okay. Now, we all remember what
Bud looked like before, right?
135
00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:51,834
Sick.
Ew.
Ew.
136
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,700
Okay, yeah, well,
hold that thought
137
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:56,600
while I introduce you
to the new Bud light.
138
00:07:56,634 --> 00:07:58,633
Budrick?
139
00:08:15,234 --> 00:08:17,233
What do you think, ladies?
140
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:21,301
Early James Dean or
the bride of Leavenworth?
141
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,300
Well, you'll notice
how the attention
142
00:08:24,334 --> 00:08:27,366
has been subtly diverted
from the danger area,
143
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,999
his face,
144
00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:31,166
by the hat and
the plunging neckline.
145
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,999
Which, if he had a chest,
would now be exposed.
146
00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:37,967
Kelly, you're gonna get
an A for sure.
147
00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:39,533
I'm gonna go change
148
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,834
and hang myself
in the shower now.
149
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:44,633
Oh, please, not yet.
150
00:08:44,667 --> 00:08:46,533
Wouldn't you like
to go to the movies
151
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:49,333
or my dad's condo?
152
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:51,633
Hey!
153
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:53,099
I was gonna ask.
154
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,333
I always liked him.
155
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,667
Well, then wait till
I'm through with him.
156
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:58,567
Thank you, ladies,
157
00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:00,366
but the entertainment
is over for the day.
158
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,834
The clown must rest.
159
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:05,300
I don't believe
any of you for a second.
160
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:07,834
Well, would you
believe this?
161
00:09:10,734 --> 00:09:12,767
Well, how 'bout this?
162
00:09:14,934 --> 00:09:16,066
He's mine.
He's mine.
163
00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:17,934
I saw him first when
he came down the stairs.
164
00:09:17,968 --> 00:09:20,033
Please!
I'm better friends
with Kelly than you.
165
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,834
He was looking at me.
He was looking at--
166
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:24,066
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
167
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,400
Now, we're all adults here.
168
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,099
There's plenty of room
on this body
169
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:30,667
for all of your hands.
170
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,133
Uh, Kel.
171
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:40,300
Tell Mom I'll be home
in a couple of days
172
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:41,533
and to buy some food,
173
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:43,633
'cause I think
I'm gonna be hungry.
174
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,567
Mother.
175
00:09:54,601 --> 00:09:56,334
Father.
176
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,133
Hey, how did Buck do?
177
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,333
Did he and the girl dog
consummate?
178
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:06,800
Well, not exactly.
179
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:09,133
Buck got this really confused
look on his face,
180
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,533
like he had no idea
what to do.
181
00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:14,667
I know that look well.
182
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:16,366
If I've seen it once,
183
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,867
I've seen it once
every three months.
184
00:10:20,033 --> 00:10:22,966
Now, Peg, there's $10,000
at stake here.
185
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,667
Not nearly enough
for what I'm about to do,
186
00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:26,966
but if you want
to get rich,
187
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,366
sometimes you have
to get dirty.
188
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,300
Peg, let's go upstairs.
189
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:33,900
I want Buck to learn
from the best.
190
00:10:39,868 --> 00:10:40,834
Come on, Buck!
191
00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:43,368
Come on, boy!
192
00:11:03,367 --> 00:11:04,467
Come here, boy.
193
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:05,667
Gee, Al.
Come here, boy.
194
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:07,467
You were magnificent.
195
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:09,333
Where does he get it from?
196
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:11,200
You know, I don't think
I've ever seen a dog
197
00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:14,767
try to cover his eyes
with his paws before.
198
00:11:14,801 --> 00:11:16,767
Well, that's what
I don't understand, Peg.
199
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,233
If he could
copy that from me,
200
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,999
why couldn't he copy
the rest?
201
00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:23,667
Well, he does change
his underwear and socks
202
00:11:23,701 --> 00:11:25,368
as often as you do.
203
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,999
She's just kidding, boy.
204
00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:31,334
She knows as well as we do
that the man is the king.
205
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:33,800
What are you doing?
206
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:35,633
We're trying to make him
wanna have sex.
207
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:38,767
Isn't that
a good boy?
208
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,433
The man is the king.
209
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:42,966
He loves me
till I scream,
210
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:47,167
"Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
Please stop."
211
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,867
Hey, here's a proud beauty,
eh, boy?
212
00:11:56,234 --> 00:11:58,400
Legs that won't quit.
213
00:11:58,434 --> 00:12:01,700
Quite a saucy little lilt
to the tail.
214
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:05,400
Look at that come-hither look
on her snout.
215
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,099
Now, what I would do
if I were you,
216
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:09,934
next time you hop
that briard,
217
00:12:09,968 --> 00:12:12,066
I'd just close my eyes
218
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,600
and pretend I was
Bundyfying a poodle.
219
00:12:16,334 --> 00:12:18,500
Listen to him, Buck.
220
00:12:18,534 --> 00:12:20,567
He satisfied me.
221
00:12:20,601 --> 00:12:23,600
Look how happy I am.
222
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,266
Gee, Al.
223
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,233
Nice to see you
down on all fours,
224
00:12:29,267 --> 00:12:31,667
like your forefathers.
225
00:12:32,467 --> 00:12:35,200
Next, perhaps you could point
to a wheel and say,
226
00:12:35,234 --> 00:12:37,433
"Me no understand wheel thing.
227
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:40,468
Wanna buy some shoes?"
228
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:44,233
Well, it-- It looks
like something
229
00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:47,767
that come from the Colonel,
all right, but the, uh--
230
00:12:52,234 --> 00:12:54,400
But the, uh-- The legs
are picked clean,
231
00:12:54,434 --> 00:12:57,434
a- and I don't see
any breasts.
232
00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:02,099
That was a good one, eh, boy?
233
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:03,667
Well, from where I stand,
234
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:05,467
the brain has been picked clean,
235
00:13:05,501 --> 00:13:07,734
and I can't find any hair.
236
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:10,400
So, what's he doing,
237
00:13:10,434 --> 00:13:13,266
regaling Buck with his
high school football stories?
238
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:16,667
Ha! Buck's heard all
of those a thousand times.
239
00:13:17,634 --> 00:13:20,533
Don't you two people understand
that what this dog needs to see
240
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:24,533
is a strong, undisputed
male role model.
241
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,834
Ah, Gigi's home.
242
00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:34,066
Thank you, ladies,
243
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:37,600
but I think I can make it
the rest of the way myself.
244
00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:44,800
Ah!
245
00:13:44,834 --> 00:13:47,133
To be young again.
246
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:51,134
Buck, make sure no harm
comes to the ladies.
247
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,166
Uh, son,
248
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,934
those weregirls
you were with, right?
249
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,967
They're women now.
250
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,633
Now, look, son,
I didn't say anything
251
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:05,800
when you were, you know,
252
00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:07,966
lilac-ing around the house
the other day, or--
253
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,800
Or yesterday when you
were wearing that skirt.
254
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,233
Kilt, Dad.
255
00:14:13,267 --> 00:14:15,633
Sure, son.
256
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,467
But tell me something, Bud.
257
00:14:17,501 --> 00:14:20,767
Y- you will be playing
baseball again, won't you?
258
00:14:21,634 --> 00:14:22,934
Hey, Mom, Dad.
259
00:14:22,968 --> 00:14:24,834
Did Bud tell you yet?
260
00:14:24,868 --> 00:14:25,999
Well, not in so many words,
261
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,867
but we're not blind.
262
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,066
Not that.
263
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,333
I got an A
for making him over.
264
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:36,533
There was
some stiff competition too.
265
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:38,033
This one girl
brought in a chimp
266
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:41,533
who was wearing a baseball cap
and a pair of polka-dot speedos.
267
00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:43,867
But I got the A
because my teacher said
268
00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:47,301
that I had less raw material
to work with.
269
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,567
Well, human-for-a-day,
the assignment's over.
270
00:14:50,601 --> 00:14:54,233
I gotta get these clothes
back to La Petite Poof.
271
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:57,999
No way, meals-on-heels.
272
00:14:58,033 --> 00:14:59,767
I'm floatin' on
an ocean o' babes,
273
00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:02,467
and I needs my fishnets.
274
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:06,567
Do you realize that it costs me
$25 a day to rent this stuff?
275
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:09,800
Well, that's more
than it costs to rent you.
276
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:12,834
Hi, Kelly.
277
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,967
Hi, Kelly.
278
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,600
Ah, come on--
Don't worry, Al.
279
00:15:21,634 --> 00:15:22,767
He's just rebelling.
280
00:15:22,801 --> 00:15:24,333
I did it myself
for a while.
281
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:25,500
'Course, I just drank--
282
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:27,500
Drank beer
and smoked cigarettes.
283
00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:31,366
But then I wasn't rebelling
against heterosexuality.
284
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,800
You know,
speaking of which,
285
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:34,800
I think you've got
a problem with your dog.
286
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:35,966
Oh, we know
all about it.
287
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,800
Neither he nor his master
can perform.
288
00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:42,366
Oh, well,
I can't speak for Al.
289
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,700
The satisfied look
on Peggy's face does that.
290
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,600
But your dog is
a veritable windmill
291
00:15:51,634 --> 00:15:53,934
out on my yard with every dog
in the neighborhood,
292
00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:56,067
even the Hendersons' lawn elf.
293
00:15:57,234 --> 00:15:59,066
He's out there every day.
294
00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:01,767
You see, Peg, that's
this trouble with the briard.
295
00:16:01,801 --> 00:16:03,966
He's exhausted!
296
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,934
Well, I'll put a stop to this.
297
00:16:05,968 --> 00:16:09,201
Oh, gee. This should be
worth watching.
298
00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:11,099
'Cause I don't think it's wise
299
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:14,033
for Al to try and break up
a tryst between Buck
300
00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:16,366
and what appears to be
a very large rottweiler
301
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,368
with a spike collar.
302
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,300
Hey! Hey, not there!
303
00:16:20,334 --> 00:16:22,600
Not th--
Hey, watch it now!
304
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,300
Well, Buck's been locked
down in the basement
305
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:39,900
for two weeks now.
306
00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:43,500
With absolutely no female
contact whatsoever.
307
00:16:43,534 --> 00:16:46,034
God, how I envy him.
308
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,066
Watch this, Peg.
309
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,101
Buck!
310
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:52,834
Lady briard!
311
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,401
Lassie!
312
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,301
Nancy Reagan!
313
00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:15,001
See, that's why I never
believed that Sinatra story.
314
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:18,099
Let's get him back
in the mood again.
315
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,233
Buck!
316
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:22,434
Mommy's shoes!
317
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:26,633
I'd say he's ready.
318
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:29,333
Honey, are you sure you should
be going out so soon?
319
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:32,767
I mean, the lockjaw
just cleared up.
320
00:17:33,033 --> 00:17:33,999
Come on.
321
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:35,266
Here he is, Peg.
322
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,966
Looking unintelligent
as ever.
323
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,934
But I'll tell ya,
from the looks of my Playboys
324
00:17:38,968 --> 00:17:40,333
he shredded down there,
325
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,967
I'll say he's ready to rock
to the tune of 10 grand.
326
00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:45,333
Come on. There we go.
Come on.
327
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:46,867
Well, Al, be careful.
328
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:49,533
I heard that the McGintys'
poodle was in heat.
329
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:50,733
Heel, boy!
330
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:53,468
Heel! Heel! Oh, whoa, heel!
331
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:01,600
Oh, and you know,
332
00:18:01,634 --> 00:18:04,266
so is the Ritter's Irish setter
333
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,633
right across the street.
334
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:06,934
You're killing me, boy!
335
00:18:06,968 --> 00:18:09,234
Killing me, boy!
336
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:14,767
And also the Finleys' beagle
behind our house.
337
00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:16,767
Hey now, Buck! Hey now, Buck!
338
00:18:16,801 --> 00:18:18,800
Hey! Ah! Oh!
339
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:25,567
Yep, I used to play hockey,
340
00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:26,733
and I was great.
341
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:27,999
Then I said to myself,
342
00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:32,500
"Bud, you're an artist,
and very handsome.
343
00:18:32,534 --> 00:18:35,733
"Why would you let
your violent side take over?
344
00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:40,600
If you must swing a stick,
swing a stick for love."
345
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,333
That's beautiful.
346
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:45,767
Take me.
347
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:53,567
Well, it's been
a while since, uh--
348
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,133
Well, it's been a while
349
00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,066
since your daddy took
Buck to do the deed.
350
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:02,300
That 10,000 bucks
should be on the way.
351
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:03,567
Well, that's good,
Mom,
352
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,966
'cause I'm running
low on lam.
353
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:10,500
Did they reinstitute
the draft or something?
354
00:19:11,801 --> 00:19:12,800
He's here!
355
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:14,033
We're rich!
Yes!
356
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:16,467
Oh, Al, gimme
that check.
357
00:19:16,501 --> 00:19:19,500
Honey, this isn't
a check for $10,000.
358
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:22,400
This is a bill
for $10,000.
359
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:23,600
If you look closer,
360
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:26,800
you'll see it's a bill
for $100,000.
361
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:29,834
See, Buck was ready,
all right.
362
00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:36,033
A little bit more ready
than our Lady of Astoria.
363
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,834
Or should I say,
364
00:19:37,868 --> 00:19:40,867
the late Lady of Astoria?
365
00:19:41,868 --> 00:19:44,368
To death, Al?
366
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:50,201
And beyond, Peg.
367
00:19:51,601 --> 00:19:52,834
But don't worry,
368
00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:56,033
the hundred thou is payable
over a three-day period.
369
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:57,166
So I figure, you know,
370
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,966
a couple of busy days
at the shoe store,
371
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,301
maybe a lemonade stand manned
by my two daughters, here...
372
00:20:04,868 --> 00:20:06,533
...we'll be able to save up
enough money
373
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:08,633
to buy a chocolate bar
and maybe some nylons
374
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,600
for my new cellmate, Bruno.
375
00:20:12,534 --> 00:20:13,600
Daddy?
376
00:20:13,634 --> 00:20:15,133
If it'll help any,
377
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:20,067
you can have my share
of the $10,000.
378
00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:25,468
I'll miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.
379
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:27,500
Uh, excuse me.
380
00:20:27,534 --> 00:20:30,700
So you're not getting
a cut of $10,000?
381
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:32,200
Well, no, but...
382
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:36,067
what difference does that make
when we have what we have?
383
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,500
Have that.
384
00:20:39,801 --> 00:20:41,066
Fine!
385
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:44,001
There's plenty more
where you came from, babe.
386
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:47,733
I gotta see this.
387
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:49,133
He didn't get the money.
388
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,567
Let's burn him!
389
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:52,500
Yeah!
Whoo!
390
00:20:52,534 --> 00:20:54,300
Not there! Not there!
391
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:56,401
Kill him!
Watch it now!
392
00:20:58,701 --> 00:21:01,300
Aw, honey, don't be sad.
393
00:21:01,334 --> 00:21:02,934
The worst thing that happened
394
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:04,767
is that we owe
another hundred grand.
395
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:06,066
I mean, what are they
gonna do?
396
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,900
Garnish your paycheck?
397
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:13,600
Yeah. Or yours.
398
00:21:15,968 --> 00:21:18,934
You know, go into
the kids' college funds.
399
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:22,600
Or our retirement fund.
400
00:21:22,634 --> 00:21:24,633
We don't have any!
401
00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,767
Or our life insurance.
402
00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:33,667
We have nothing!
403
00:21:37,801 --> 00:21:41,633
Ah, you really know how
to make me feel better, Peg.
404
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:45,834
And you know what you could do
to make me feel better.
405
00:21:45,868 --> 00:21:47,834
Way ahead of you, babe.
406
00:22:13,634 --> 00:22:15,700
Hey, how 'bout that one?
407
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:17,800
You're the king, baby.
408
00:22:17,834 --> 00:22:20,334
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